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saiyomiya · 1 month
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Mamiya Review
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Man, I don't know many people who know what Mamiya is, and that's a shame. Hell, the only way I know it is because I checked Andrew Hodgson's portfolio the other day and was captured by the art.
People should REALLY check this out. It's like if Nisioisin and Subahibi and the bunker dream scene in Disco Elysium and your lingering yearning for whoever just came up in your mind just now had a love child with the brain the size of thousands of universes or something. Like is that not the most incredible sentence you've ever read? I'm me and I wrote that sentence but it would've made me want to read it.
Pros
Beautiful art
Incredibly curated freeware OST that made me a fan of Ludo for life
Great translation with beautiful and succinct prose
Incredibly well-paced and doesn't waste your time at all
Cons
There is some thematic messaging in the game that leaves a bad taste in my mouth which is obviously subjective but hey this is my review
Will probably leave you hanging and wanting more answers when you're done, maybe even a bit dissatisfied (warning: I am dumb and maybe something flew over my head, a single read is definitely not enough for this one)
Rating: It's good, great even. The part I don't really like about it is subjective and some/most people might be fine with it or understand something about it I don't. I tolerate it because the rest of the game is interesting and everything else about it is very up my alley. If you're interested, make sure you buy the DLC DoomsDayDreams as well. It contains the last chapter of the story.
Spoiler subjective rambling to myself below the cut. Warning: I am dumb and might be too stupid for this game
Steam | VNDB (Part 1)
Why this game is kino
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The settings are super interesting and the writing is beautiful. Honestly I would love to fine tooth reread it someday, maybe in Japanese. (Too bad Textractor can't since the engine uses Javascript).
The scope of the game is impressive and how verbose it is about all of those things is an incredible accomplishment. There is something universally accessible about Mamiya's message. You don't need to read a trove of philosophy books to understand what it wants to say. (Though obviously there are references.) You don't need to tolerate great horrors to get to the good parts. The pacing is good and it doesn't waste your time. It doesn't think you're stupid and believes in your ability to figure stuff out. There's a chance I'm jabbing at a kamige a lot of people revere that I also like for the most part but despise at the same time
MAMIYA (meme), Natsume, and the trichiliocosm are all very interesting and well handled themes. I've never really been able to word these feelings myself, so reading a story that builds something about concepts I've felt in my core was very freeing. It kind of makes you feel like an atom, if we could understand how a single atom feels. I think we all have thought about these things at least once. As humans, we all worry and think of the beyond every once in a while.
The effect this story has on you is genuinely beautiful. How can you feel so small and yet so important at the same time? Not only are you a body, you are your soul, you are your mind, and you have an existence before anyone knew what you are. Yet at the same time, we are all part of an infinitely expanding universe that is not only what we ourselves see, but what everyone else generates.
You feel so cherished and yet so insignificant at the same time.
I find MAMIYA so fascinating as well. To verbalize and personify the idea of yearning and admiring a ghost of a person is super interesting. Everyone has felt that for someone else, a longing to be with or to become a beloved. A lot of people grow out of that, but what happens when you don't? What happens when the scars that that yearning left are too deep? Being able to write a story about this concept, give it a mind of its own, and make it metatextually infect actual readers is brilliant.
It's kaleidoscopic in nature. It's a story that is so many things. It wants to be a literal read, it wants to be an abstract read, it wants to be meta, it wants to haunt you, like a ghost, like a veil, for the rest of your life. It's an incredibly unique and unforgettable experience. The only other game to make me feel similarly was Subahibi but I felt way less miserable while going through Mamiya.
That, on top of watching these characters face their weaknesses and ultimately conquer them with their own strength really tickles the Nisioisin fan in me. Like, all of this is incredible stuff. EX is incredible too, even though it hurts so bad. The bittersweet and vague and confusing endings for me leave me wanting more and someone smarter than me to explain what happened help
It leaves you with a love that is yours alone.
If you like the Pink House characters don't read this word vomit
(Vague Door 2 Fata Morgana spoiler mention)
Okay, time to get negative. I dislike almost all of the Pink House characters. I mean, that's definitely by design. All of them are groomers who succumbed to mental weakness and also nobody likes a groomer. It's pretty hard for me to view them just as characters because they did such horrible things to vulnerable children for their own self-satisfaction and weakness. Like brother I'm sorry but I can't just look at characters like this as just characters.
I fucking hate Osamu as a person. He's my least favorite character. To instill MAMIYA is to leave yearning, but damn, him leaving Ryou with his abusive mother and his biological daughter behind is just despicable. He is insufferable to everyone he talks to, he's ugly asf too, I'm gonna kill him, give me ten dollars. If you like him, more power to you, you're better than me, but my brain just can't run the calculations to tolerate him. Just a subjective thing.
Mayuri's relationship with their mother is relatable and I think their struggles with their inner child and self love are very interesting. However, what they do to Minato throughout DDD is despicable and unforgivable to me and it's very hard for me to look at them objectively. Like I totally get that's a me problem.
I mean, I get it though. There are people in my life who've done awful things to me, but I don't want them to die. Rather, I want them to live and be happy, but away from me. I don't wanna know how they're doing either. In this way, I really have nothing against the better ending Minato has with Mayuri, and I found their duel together interesting. It's well done, in my opinion.
Touma is the least offensive of all of them to me and I don't have much to complain about with him, at least from my understanding of his struggles and what he did overall.
Okay he did bad shit too but somehow it didn't leave as bad of a taste in my mouth than the other two. That too, is subjective.
Finally, Samejima is so boring to me. I never cared about Yukimasa from Fatamoru, so more of the same is more shit I don't care about. He's not very interesting to me on a personal level. I just never cared for characters with his narrative.
I guess for me, since ALL of Natsume's friends patch things up with the Pink House quartet it starts to feel very vaguely like, the way to handle your abuser is to understand why they abused you and then accept that it is a cycle and maybe get along with them and cheer them on. Saying that hilariously minimizes every arc but I mean, this was the vibe I got from all four of them just... more or less forgiving their abusers who put them through psychological and sometimes physical hell. It just didn't sit right with me. I think, for a game like this, having at least one character NOT be the "bigger" person and not be amicable, not forgive even after trying, would've made the message come across more clearly. Forgiveness and handling of abuse is messy and a bit of inconsistency among the cast would've garnered a bit more goodwill on my end.
Of course I might be missing the point or blind. I might be dumb as hell who knows. I would love to be enlightened otherwise. It just left a really bad taste in my mouth for a story I overall liked and became the hugest con about it for me.
Character rankings
Upper layer: Nidome > Mamiya > Natsume > Librarian > Senior
Nidome is cute even though he doesn't do much. I liked his design and I felt like this whenever he called Natsume a silly goose. Librarian and Senior are cool I just wish we saw more of them. The upper layer itself is really cool conceptually and I would love a story about it, but who knows if that's gonna happen.
Natsume and Mamiya are givens to like. I honestly can't tell if I like one or the other more.
Natsume's friends: Minato > Haruki > Ryou > Keito
Minato's narrative is relatable and I like them a lot, Haruki I liked more than expected, Ryou is fine, and I like Keito enough, but I feel like as I've gotten older I've had less patience for characters of his archetype. Or don't care about them. Like he's just there to me.
Pink House: Touma > Samejima >> Mayuri >>> Osamu
Touma is the least offensive of them to me (to the point that I would say that I like him), I don't like how Mayuri was handled and Osamu is just trash to me for reasons I spoke of earlier. I don't feel anything for or against Samejima. It's not his fault I don't care for his narrative archetype, but at least he's better than the other two behind him.
Natsume: Spectator/Idea/As a part of MAMIYA > Body
I'm just fucking around at this point
Conclusion
What can I say that I haven't said? It's good and I hope it gets more popularity someday. It certainly deserves it and I think it could be considered a kamige among VN enthusiasts if they gave it a try. People are just going to have to spread the word. I do think that most people would more positive than me even though I feel relatively positive about it, so go crazy and become the salespeople Kenkou Land deserves.
I still feel like I have so many questions and want so many answers for the main endings themselves. EX is both heartbreaking and yet so freeing at the same time, and the main ending is bittersweet and confusing.
It's as if I woke up to news to my dear friend Natsume Souichirou dying myself.
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Idk if you’ve answered something like this before but how does Grace fit into your modern AU?
I am so glad you asked, anon, I am excited people care about this au. Lol, I have a meme post in the works about this concept, which is that in every Avatar au no matter how many characters you decide lived, Grace has always gotta die so that Kiri can be a Sully. Oops lol.
I have vaguely touched on it, but I will expand even more lol.
-Norm, Tommy, and Jake were all in foster care together. Norm and Tommy clicked immediately, bonding over science and creativity, wanting to understand how every single thing worked. Jake just kind of fits, because he fits anywhere Tommy fits, and after a few years, he fits wherever Norm fits too. Jake calls himself dumb and a jock, but he is an excellent student. He can learn anything he puts his mind to, and Norm and Tommy know that. He just isn't interested in what they are, so sometimes he makes them play football or play video games. Norm and Jake are both deeply into movies and pop culture, while Tommy can't sit through a movie to save his life. They just all go together.
-Grace loves kids even though she hates wasting time. She thinks kids are smarter than adults a lot of the time, they ask questions regardless of how it'll make them look and actually state their intentions. They bring up points of view she hadn't thought of. So, even though she's been on tenure at the college she does research at for years, when she's on campus with her research students she holds a little week long summer camp for kids interested in science. Jake goes where Norm and Tommy go, and when they are thirteen they start attending.
-Norm and Tommy glue themselves to Grace from day one and she quickly learns the three are orphans and lowkey adopts them by the end of the week. She gives them her number and tells them they are welcome any time because they are so good at botany. They take this offer up all the fucking time. Jake is their little science bitch boy, just showing up and being asked to move a million different things. He knows so many science words he wishes he didn't. He likes visiting Grace though, because she always keeps a couch free for him to nap on.
-Norm and Tommy basically apprentice for Grace from thirteen on, Max calls them Pain and Panic, because they are like her little henchmen and because when they get stressed Tommy bangs his hand on a table and then always yells ow and Norm starts chewing off all his fingernails and freaking out.
-As soon as they graduate and get their degrees they go on research trip after research trip with her. One time during grad school a student who was having a hard time accused Norm of just getting his degree because Grace makes it easy for him and Tommy, and Norm laughed so hard he cried, because Grace is convinced that they learned the basics in middle school and makes their work harder.
-Norm gets into fostering because he wants to make life easier for the kids in the system like him and Tommy and Jake, and he knows how important the stable people like Grace and the twins were. After that he sticks in one place, teaching and going for a medical degree on the side, which is how he ends up volunteering at Mo'at's clinic.
-Tommy sticks with Grace, and that is why he is away on a research trip with her for four years in the jungle when Jake is paralyzed. This particular trip was the first Tommy's running and directing himself. This is why in my other post I mentioned Norm continuously threatening to tell Tommy what happened, because Jake didn't want to ruin his life's work because he knows Tommy would fly back right away. At first he was also totally embarrassed about what happened, sadly. Where I last left the au with the jeytiri post though, paralyzed, married, and now with a child on the way, now he's just too far deep in the hole.
-I think Tommy finds out, probably from Mo'at who got bored and decided to stir some shit up and tell Grace. Tommy's rage can be felt across oceans as he flies back instantly and leaves Grace to finish up the end of the trip. It's at the end of that trip that she dies, right after surprise Kiri is born and left in the custody of Jake and Neytiri. Grace had seen both of them grow up separately, and knows they are starting a family. What's one more kid?
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animentality · 10 months
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I haven’t read your books yet, you know how it is, money~, but I bet they’re pretty good and I am planning to buy and read them, they’re on The List, and I hold you in high regards as a person I kinda vaguely barely know. I say this first to preface, because, from the kindest most adoring place of my heart okay, this reminded me of you, no offense: https://www.tumblr.com/pjackk/721300009283420160/whats-up-tunblr-basically-i-just-wrote-this-book
Ouch.
Glad you preceded this with a compliment...
But brutal.
For what it's worth, I also hate having to reduce my books to tropes...and I try not to, with any of my promotional posts...
But uh...good to know this is how I come across :S
But in my defense...and in defense of other authors... it's super easy for people to make fun of how we have to promote our books, but in this terrible digital economy...I mean.
It's hard to keep people's attention, and it's hard to sell books.
It's not like selling art, doing commissions, making animations, or well-edited videos. Books are inherently harder to sell and market and build an audience for, because they're an investment of time and focus.
They aren't as easy to dive into and enjoy. A webcomic chapter you could read in twenty minutes. A pretty picture you can reblog, and you can commission the artist if you love the style. A Youtube video can be ten minutes of investment. Maybe an hour, tops.
But a book?
Books will always struggle more than shows or animations, because it takes a certain kind of person to read books, and in this day and age, attention spans are shorter than ever.
You spend fucking years writing your books, and you edit, and you revise, and write some more, and edit some more, and revise some more, and then you have to promote.
All the time, in every way you can imagine. Using whatever tools you have... all the time, every way.
Otherwise, you don't see any sales at all, and then it's like you wasted three years of your life fiddling around, while everyone you know is making bank on crypto or whatever the fuck.
If I was good at fucking BookTok? I wouldn't be fucking here promoting at all.
I could leave my blog as the little meme machine it's always been.
But I'm bad at fucking TikTok.
And I mildly resent being compared to a TikTok author, because if I was any good at that, I WOULD NOT BE HERE promoting my books at all.
Tumblr is the worst place to promote anything, ever.
That's part of why I like it...but at the same time, that's why it's such a torturous practice, trying to promote my novels here.
No one here gives a fuck. And I'm fine with that.
I'm ok with that.
But I can't throw away hard work without at least trying.
I don't really get the criticisms of authors in those comments anyway.
What have those people tried to put out into the world?
You think self published authors are just jokes, or that they aren't marketing themselves well?
Maybe both are true, but someone who makes something, no matter how shit, has still MADE something.
It's easy to tear others down. It's not easy to make something that you care about, and put out into the world for others to see and judge.
And for those people in the comments too, I have to ask.
Is a book only good, if it's published by a company?
Because books that are self published are actually a LOT LESS likely to be made up of tropes and cliches.
People who self publish tend to write weirder and more out of the box things. They RESORT to tropes because they feel you won't pay attention to their books without them.
they feel you won't give their concept a try, unless they dumb it down for everyone.
They pretend the book is something it's not, out of sheer desperation.
I market 7 Deadly Habits like it's a fucking adventure action romance comedy...?
It's actually pretty fucking dark and grim and sad.
the main character is fucked up, and so are all his exes. So is the entire world they live in.
It's really not a funny book. It has dark humor, but it's hinged on an unhinged concept, one that I find darkly interesting.
But I lie and say it's a funny adventurous romp of sex and violence.
Because that's how I have to market it.
I try other things, of course, but I have found most people would rather read a romance than an anti-romance, which is more of what it is.
People don't want to try new things. They want more of the shit they already have.
to make something new, or different, or non-conventional, is to accept that you will have to water it down when you're trying to offer it to people.
So yeah.
I get it. Authors who blaze their book promotions are desperate losers and weirdo freaks with very bizarre interests and isn't it funny, how hard they're trying?
But you know.
What else can we be?
Leigh Bardugo?
Trust me. I wish I was a good writer. I wish I wrote straight YA fantasy books that kids and adults and everyone can enjoy. I wish I had a literary agent and five star publishing houses giving me 20 million dollars for my next book.
I wish I was a multi millionaire white woman, in an industry of rich white women, who write sexy murder mysteries and cozy thrillers and steamy vampire eroticas.
But I am what I am, and that's a queer self published POC author, who has no one in my corner, but me. Whose only means of promotion is my own efforts.
So no, I don't really look at other self published authors with disdain or wry detachment.
I know how they feel.
I know how much it sucks.
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Submitted propaganda under the cut
Wren - 1
fuckin okay i get Save The Planet is noble or whatever but do you understand i'm MAYBE tired of being told to change Everything abt how I live when everything i could ever do is a drop in the ocean compared to corporations and i dont want to micromanage my entire life for the sake of the planet and its ALWAYS the leftist youtubers shilling it as The Best Most Selfless Thing you can do. like. dude. i am tired. i dont get paid enough to have the energy to care.
RAID shadow legends - 22
I caved and downloaded the app, played three levels and holy shit it’s so boring
I don't think I need to explain myself here.
Every Youtuber has been sponsored by them at some point and they are infuriating
It’s everywhere and it’s a shitty game that feels like the kind of low quality shit you’d see in a mobile add, because that’s exactly what it is
I have not seen a single sponsorship that makes this game sound like anything but a waste of time. Plus, their sponsorships are always sooooo long lol. At least a full minute, sometimes two.
the sponsorships and ads are everywhere yet ive never actually seen anyone outside of the ads enjoying it or even talking about it
They say the exact same thing every time so much that it's become a memorized phrase used as a meme
the art is mid, but not only that, but none of the characteers were designed by someone truly unhinged and horny. giving out that many free summons just makes them look like a scam, like those scammy crap gacha games with promo codes that have one digit repeated (example: 1111, 777, 888, and so on). there's nothing you can do there that other games haven't done better, and there's no overlying premise that draws in fans of stories (talk all the crap you like about food fantasy, at least the lore was fucking WILD). raid shadow legends is like fruit gushers in that it's massively mediocre and wildly overhyped. sure, you *COULD* inflict it upon yourself without hurting too badly, but why would you want to?
You KNOW why
Infamous
gaming.
Annoying, constant, bs, dumb, pay to play, badgering, I hate them. My friend ended up spending over a hundred dollars on this game bc their advertising occasionally works, and when it does, that's not great!
You KNOW WHY.
They don't pay the fucking people they ask to talk about them half the time. Also the game is ugly.
scammy as hell wtf is that game
Do I even need to explain? It's not a helpful product, it's just a dumb mobile game no one needs in their lives.
It’s bad
Everyone’s heard of it. Nobody likes it.
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giggly-squiggily · 1 year
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Amazing, Showstopping, Glamorous Blue Lock Headcanons That Are Definitely True Ego Told Me So #2
Whoops I tripped and fell into the Blue Lock Dub we're back at it again WHOOO!
Now with shippy bits because I can :P
Rin likes to say words of gratitude in English to his teammates because none of them speak/understand him. He'll say something like: "I appreciate you. Thank you for making my time here at Blue Lock that much more fulfilling." And Isagi will just be all: "What? Whatcha say?" He always bullshits them after though. "I said you suck." "OI-"
Nagi and Chigiri like to quote dumb memes/vines/tiktoks at the most inconvenient times. They mainly does it to annoy Barou; It drives the resident King up a wall when it's 2 am and all he hears is: "FrEsh LeMonAID, FrEShly Squeezed~" There had to be a "No memes" ban placed after Barou threatened to strangle Chigiri with his hairdryer and shove Nagi's phone up his-
Gagamaru and Raichi have an ongoing slap war. Whenever one passes the other they make it a point to cuff the back of that person's head and RUN. Currently Gagamaru's got the lead by height alone, but Raichi gets creative in his return smacks. Junichi doesn't participate; he's witnessed one too many beds breaking when Raichi's retreat plan flopped and Gagamaru attacked back.
Reo's entire playlist post Nagi's betrayal consisted of "Kill Bill" by SZA on repeat. One time Chigiri and Kunigami heard Reo crooning in the shower "I might kill my Nagi~ Where to hide the body?~"
Sae likes massages but refuses having his feet touched. A lot of people assume it's because he has a superstition about "Massaging them removes the luck within" (Shidou's BS), but really he's just stupidly ticklish there that even the attempt to grab them will make him giggle like a child. (And yes- Shidou knows abou this. Yes- he has walked out of a tickle fight with a broken nose because of it.)
Aryu despises spicy food. He can't take the heat and it makes him all sweaty. "So not glam" he whined after accidentally ordering too hot a bowl of ramen. He also hates milk- so it's a constant cycle of eating the spicy ramen as not to waste it, and then chugging milk to ease the burn, and then eating more spicy ramen to get the taste of milk out of his mouth, etc. etc.
Isagi was over the moon when he found out Chigiri's favorite song was "Blue Bird" by Ikimono Gakari. Then he felt beyond betrayed when said redhead told him he'd never seen an episode of Naruto in his life and heard the song on his sister's playlist one day; hence why he likes it.
Bachira cannot take compliments. He get's all flustered and shy when even the smallest praise is passed his way. "Bachira, you did amazing last game!" Cue our monster dribbler covering his face and waving off the kind words with a "Staaaaaap~" Isagi finds it absolutely adorable and constantly finds things to compliment him on just to make the usually whimsical player stammer and blush.
Isagi is the only person who's effectively made Rin laugh. It wasn't a big one; just a small puff after Isagi made an off-hand remark about Ego giving "Big cheese stick energy" Isagi holds onto that memory like a trophy, forever proud that he was the first to make Rin smile before the younger boy looked away and refused to meet his gaze.
Kunigami does the thing where he'll go: "Chigiri, look at me?" And when said redhead does, he'll gently take his chin and kiss him. It never fails to fluster his boyfriend, even when he's prepared for it.
Niko once wore his bangs pushed back from his face. Everyone lost their shit because they'd never seen his eyes before and thought he was another person. (Also might have made some people heart-squeeze because he's adorable??? Have you seen his eyes- they're so big and green HELLO???)
Barou knows the Nyan Nyan Dance from Macross Frontier, along with various other anime dances. His two younger sisters are obsessed with them and begged him to teach them any new ones they discover. He absolutely refuses to share this knowledge with anyone and if someone were to suspect it; he'd threaten to kill them.
Rin openly despises Danganronpa because everyone keeps saying he's the "Blue Lock Shuichi Saihara"; but secretly he's thrilled at the comparison because he rather enjoyed Danganronpa. (Maki was his favorite). If asked though he'll say it's dumb.
Tokimitsu gives fabulous hugs- you just have to occasionally reassure him he's doing fine else he panics thinking he's hugging too tight or too loose. He doesn't really talk much, but the gesture says everything in itself.
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hws-lceland · 7 months
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Who do you ship Denmark with?
A. A lot. But here's some I really like !
DenNor: :] I know it is predictable or whatever but their relationship is so special to me and is a big comfort ship and has been for so long I was talking about this on discord last night but the way Denmark loves Norway is just so sweet and genuine and it makes me so happy. And makes me want to cry. I also really like their history I think it makes it a very interesting pairing, though I am not the best when it comes to talking about historical stuff so I will leave that for now. I don't think it's a perfect relationship I think they have had their ups and downs but it works out.
I also think their dynamic is so funny is litterally this post
NedDen/DenNed !! : They're like college frat bros who are in love they're besties 4 life . I have a hard time explaining this in a way that I am satisfied with but they have a very very close friendship that is very intimate and romance/relationship wise their relationship is both. Very intimate but also very casual. Ned is generally the first guy Den goes to when he needs to talk to someone, especially during times where he might not be on the best terms with Sweden or the other Nordics. They get wasted and high together and bond over bike rides and having dumb stupid hair
Gutters is what initially got me shipping them and that definitely definitely influenced how I see their relationship.
Also I think it's funny their shipname is a palindrome
And those are like. My big two. Those are canon to me.
DenSu: I really love densu but my brain is too scrambled to be able to write a lot about it right now. I like the rivalry. I also like when they are just two old gay guys sharing a cigarette watching the sunset. Idk I want to talk more. About it because I DO have thoughts but I can't think my thoughts . Right now. But this one is also canon. to me also . Probably Top 3 Denmark ships .( I will have to come back to talk about this one another time.)
DenPru: Sorry to my one mutual who hates this ship (lighthearted) I just think they're fun. I don't have a whole lot of serious thoughts on it but I like that they're like Alfred's weirdo uncles. They're sad pathetic drinking buddies together.
DenEst: I have nothing to contribute to this one but man. I read someone in discord talking about their history together and I was hooked. It's very interesting!
DenIta: I thought about this one one time while I was high and I was like. Oh man I'm so smart. And then it just kind of stuck. Definitely a crack ship but one I have fun with.
It's basically like that one meme "This is Denmark. Denmark loves his personal space. This is Veneziano, he also loves Denmarks personal space."
And I am done typing now
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TO ANON HATERS
Let me tell you something, you don't know me and I don't know you but I want to know why are you doting on me with hatred toward me, you think I would just sit here and waste my whole life in Tumblr and you think I have no relationship no job whatsoever. Or any educational IQ because you're just hateful because you hate someone was happy and creative and trying their best to be improving. And of all you decided to make yourself feel better by talking down or looking down on anyone who was weaker than you.. and you thought of me I'm just a waste of space you want me gone because you hated me to be around.. you hated because of what I've done in the past whatever happens in the past is none of your business.. I made a mistake yes I was stupid and dumb in the past but that was all over, but you never ever let it go in the past. How would you like it with someone who sent you so much hate I reminded you what you did in the past? It'll be hurtful right? No the reason why I'm turning back on because there's a lot of good Anna's around here who give me an ounce of love.. I got a little bit of love for the past 10 years since I've been in a Tumblr, 10 f****** years that I'm trying to improve myself and you never see me change because you too damn blind of hatred towards me and a lot of resentments.. it's a shame that no one would ever sees it because they're too blind of ignorance, arrogance, and even more egotistic that I ever heard or seen in my life.. and for those who want me gone I'm not going anywhere, I just don't understand why you want me gone in the first place but I know this.. because you're just too afraid that I'll be just be better than you.. this ain't a competition, this is about creativity and having fun making stories and make a memes or whatever the hell you're going to do but this ain't no competition, and also don't you ever insulted me all because then I'm autistic.. yes I have Asperger's and I have OCD so what? Don't you ever insulted to people who are autistic, because that is the most offensive thing that you and haters would say to me.. you know I deserve better than this you know.. I deserve to be treated with respect because no one I mean no one is going to treat anyone like crap anymore.. if you don't like me just leave me alone.. but no instead you started to harass me.. but if I ever hear you and a hater is starting to insult me and my Saphira that's it I'm turning It Off until you get your s*** together because I'm done.. I'm done with Anonymous b******* and I'm done with any of you anonymous insults, if you want me to stay on you better show me some respect like I deserve because I am not put in with any b******* anymore I'm done.. now any questions anonymous and a nice ones as well
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riverguns · 2 years
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1 year 10 months 3 weeks 6 days
still clean and sober.
I've been scared the last week or so of this thing. Recently, it's been happening every day, multiple times a day. I sometimes start to create this scenario where, at the end, I'm nodding out and I feel better about everything. Not overwhelmed by the future or ashamed of what I've done. But that isn't the end. And I know what comes after that is a mountain of garbage, pain, nausea, more pain, and almost zero desire to live. So here we are. Still not using. Writing some bullshit on the internet to at least put it somewhere, rather than have it sit in my brain. Harmless enough, right?
In theory, I should make connections with people, have friends, talk to them, do stuff, etc. It's weird to ask for that. It seems extremely weak to ask for that. Also, who am I to ask for people's time? That's something we don't get back. Why do I deserve any of it? Also, if the statistics point to me eventually relapsing and dying of an overdose, why should I even bother having any connection with others? So because of all of that bullshit, my only social interactions recently have been work, telling my family "hi, how are you? I'm good, here's a meme" and a few instagram DMs. Clearly some garbage recovery going on here. I could opt to work on humility OR (I choose this option) open a dumb internet site and write some trash for no one to read that illustrates my being the worst fucking person on the planet with microscopic levels of humility and EXTREMELY LARGE levels of self centered thinking. Pathetic, isn't it?
The other sad part is, I do know what steps to take in order to get out of this and get back to normal. Why I'm not doing it is beyond me. Maybe a combination of fear and sheer laziness. See? Worst person ever. Hide, sulk, self pity, bullshit. But honestly, this will be fine with some time. As long as I keep putting off the starting to get high again part. Countless moments of "ok I'm done. I don't care if I die. No one else does either. I'm too scared. I'm too ugly and fat and stupid and will never be good at anything and waste my time training something that 6 year olds in various countries are better at..... etc." and then switching back to "but there are so many good things like trees, cats, connecting to people, staring at the floor. Maybe I could build a cool life. Maybe I can actually do this. I don't want to go back to living in hell and trying to claw my face off." It's like fucking ping pong. Like why not just shut the fuck up already? Why not just take action in one direction or the other? What's the point of this drama?
Ok now here's the childish vulnerable part. I feel sad and scared and lonely. I want a hug and to be reassured that I'm not vermin, I'm not going to be alone forever, and everything will be fine (and maybe even actually good!) But I'm going to have to improve everything regardless. And I can. So everything's fine. That's just where things are at. And hopefully the swelling in my wrist goes down soon. Then will just forget about all this and train handstands for 5 million years.
Maybe the point is to be able to deal regardless. Therefore dumb internet words. One last thing: people with a lot of clean time started using again. I don't want to do that. Scared. Maybe climate change will wreck life before that. Ok time to stop. Stupidity increased by 594 points.
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mavcriicks · 4 years
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tag drop. 
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exciting · 5 years
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Being a self actualised millennial with one’s own bank account is realising that one could fulfill all of one’s capitalist desires on aliexpress for almost always less than a tenth of the price and far less support to multi national corporations, but one will almost never do that due to the excessively long amount of time it takes for each item to ship, on the basis that capitalism dictates that I must have all my desires met NOW.
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ahtsumu · 3 years
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long shots ; miya osamu
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pairing: miya osamu x f!reader
synopsis: miya osamu is the teacher’s assistant for food chemistry i. you can’t stop thinking about him.
tag(s): college!au, slow burn, TA!miya osamu, grad student!reader, fluff, reader is a go-getter!! ; warning(s): profanity, suggestive themes, talk of insecurities and imposter syndrome ; wc: 5.6k
a/n: happy birthday to @starrysamu​! i love u. pls excuse any errors. i’ll weed them out later! btw this fic is not a sugar daddy au LOL
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HIS NAME IS Miya Osamu and he always looks like he has it all figured out. Comes in every class with his black hair perfectly tousled, the sleeves of his dark button-up rolled to his elbows, a cup of coffee in one hand and the strap of that black messenger bag in another.
“He drives a BMW, did ya know?” Isla says in your ear one morning. Your only friend in Food Chemistry I gives you a pointed look before sitting back in her chair in the lecture hall with a smirk on her face. “Saw it this morning. Bet he’s loaded.” The two of you watch the subject in question walk across the classroom and settle in his seat at the table in the corner.
“Shut up,” you whisper with wide eyes. A grin–– far from innocent–– makes its way onto your face. “Imagine being Miya Osamu’s sugar baby.”
“He’s not old enough to be a sugar daddy.” Isla looks at her nails disinterestedly. “And that’s too many AUs in one. He’s already the TA, for god’s sake. This isn’t some shitty Wattpad novel.”
A light giggle slips out of your lips. “I can see the title already. My Sugar Daddy is the TA?!”
Now, if anyone had been listening in on your conversation, they would’ve assumed many things about you. The first being that you’re both gold-diggers. This is untrue–– at least, in your case. Isla, you’re not so sure about, given how your friendship only goes back about one month. But she tags you in memes on Instagram so maybe it’s as real as real gets. Their second assumption would be that you have a big fat crush on your TA. That one’s complicated, mostly because it’s true, but only kinda. It all started in the second week of school when Isla caught you staring at Osamu and slipped you a post-it note with both your initials encircled in a heart. And, because you’re shameless with a good sense of humour, you made a show of kissing it while she was looking. And thus began your meaningless but incredibly entertaining, satirical, co-written fantasy about Miya Osamu.
It also didn’t help that on the first essay you got back, Isla’s paper had been marked up with “are you sure?”s and “this is a jump”s, while yours had “excellent reasoning” and “insightful analysis”. You’d even gotten a little comment at the bottom: y/n, fantastic work. you should speak up in class more often. –– OM
But Miya Osamu doesn’t play favourites because the next week you’d gotten another essay back, this time with another comment at the bottom: y/n, not your best work. you could’ve done better by connecting your first paragraph with the second using grant’s reading. conclusion lacked punch, too. all the best. –– OM
Every time you’d read the words scrawled in blue ink, you’d felt a pair of eyes on you. But you chalk it up to Osamu being a careful grader. A good TA. Someone who cares about his students.
Isla calls bullshit on that. You’re not really sure how to feel about her stance.
The classroom door opens and shuts again. You don’t have to look at your phone to know that it’s nine on the dot. Instead, you and Isla straighten your backs, pull out your notebooks, and focus. Your no-nonsense professor says “good morning” in her usual perky manner before jumping right into her keynote presentation.
“Did you all find the reading okay?” Professor Lee asks an hour into the lecture.
A chorus of “yes”s fill the air. You bite your lip, wondering if revealing that you didn’t understand shit will out you as the class idiot. Or maybe your silence is telling enough–– maybe the people in the seats beside you have noticed the grimace on your face and are having thoughts like ‘gee whiz, am I glad I’m not dumb like her’. Heat rushes to your cheeks. Sometimes you really wonder if you’re smart enough to be here. Occurrences like these do nothing to dispel your insecurities.
You vaguely hear her ask something like, “Any thoughts about the reading?” It’s not that you’re actually dumb. It’s just that this class is ridiculously hard for an introductory course, even for a graduate programme. From the start of the semester til now, fifteen people have dropped the class. There’s just twenty of you left. Guess a ridiculously hot TA can’t save a course’s drop-rate.
Before you can make your mind up on what to say, your professor moves on from her question.
As you look off to the side of the room for a break from your thoughts, you find a pair of blue-grey eyes pointed in your direction.
Everything about you, from the expression on your face to the way your muscles tense, makes you look like a deer caught in headlights–– even though he was the one caught staring in the first place. So maybe your shamelessness works on a scale.
Miya Osamu lifts one corner of his mouth.
And as if the exchange hadn’t happened at all, he looks back down at his laptop and continues typing.
The rest of the lecture goes through one ear and out the other.
“Everyone, I believe Osamu has something he wants to say,” Professor Lee says as everyone begins packing their bags.
The raven-haired TA slides out of his seat and sits on top of his desk. “Yeah.” Osamu clears his throat and crosses his arms over his chest. You notice how the muscles in his arms bulge from the movement.
“Whipped,” Isla mutters, grinning mischievously.
“Him for me,” you whisper back, though your eyes do travel back to his face where they should’ve been all along. Osamu catches your gaze and holds it. And then he looks away again.
“Now, I know you’re all Nobel prizewinners in the making,” he begins, garnering a round of snickers and giggles from your classmates. Most people say that cliques dissolve in college. That there’s no such thing as popularity amongst graduate students. That much, you agree with. But no one ever said anything about popular teacher’s assistants. Especially smart, attractive, witty teacher’s assistants like Miya Osamu. “But in case you didn’t understand the reading or would like to develop a deeper understanding of it, don’t hesitate to email me. I’ll try to host a review session all of us can attend.”
Professor Lee smiles appreciatively at Osamu, adding, “That’s a wonderful idea, Osamu. Guys, please take this opportunity if you struggled with the reading. I know eighty pages is a lot, but our next three classes are structured around the concepts in the reading and the mid-term next week will almost exclusively be about it, too.”
Well, shit.
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Hi Osamu,
I was wondering if I could get some help with the reading from last class. To be frank, I couldn’t make it past page 15 and I’m lost like a snot-faced five-year-old in a shopping mall on Black Friday. Sorry. Thanks in advance!
Regretfully,
Y/N
MS Candidate
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences
Haikyuu University
no problem. is 5 pm tomorrow at jack’s okay? we start on the concepts from the reading next class so i want to get you up to speed asap. let me know. thanks.
OM
PhD Candidate
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences
Haikyuu University
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It’s five minutes to five when you pull into the parking lot of Jack’s Diner. The shiny, retrofuturistic eatery is a university favourite but the empty parking lot tells you it’s completely deserted right now (and rightfully so–– who eats dinner before six?). The black BMW parked a few spots from your car, however, says that you’re not alone.
Osamu’s figure comes into view as you reach for the handle to the front door of Jack’s. The twenty-six-year-old sits by himself at one of the bright red tables in the back, typing away on his dark grey laptop.
His head lifts up at the sound of the opening door. Osamu calls out your name and waves you over.
“Hi,” you greet with a smile, sitting down across from him.
“Hey.”
You look around before leaning forward on the table. “Is anyone else coming?”
“No.” Osamu sits back in his seat. “I thought about hosting one big group, but then I realised that it’d probably be stressful for the staff here.” He nods his head in the direction of the kitchen. “And I had a hunch that everyone would have different questions. Forcing everyone to review concepts they already know is a waste of time.”
At first, you nod. That makes sense. But then you furrow your brows. “So how long have you been here?”
Osamu blinks. He hadn’t expected you to ask about him. “Hmm? Oh.” He taps his phone to check the time. “Just a while.”
Quirking a brow, you ask, “And how long is ‘a while’ to you?”
“Seven hours,” he admits, chuckling lightly when he sees your jaw drop. “A lot of people had questions. They just don’t act like they do. Anyway, time flies. Really, it does.” Quickly, he clears his throat and sits forward. “So, about your email.” He grins. “Not sure if you meant it to be funny, but it was.”
“I’m glad my distress was entertaining for you. Do you TA just to watch grad students suffer?”
“Perks of the job,” Osamu says. His grin widens when you giggle. He’s never heard you laugh before and he realises at that moment that it’s really nice. And then that same grin falters. Gracefully, of course, and imperceptibly to you. But not to him. Is it okay for him to be… thinking things like that? About a student? But you’re not really his student since he’s just the TA. Right? Osamu ignores the weird feeling that comes over him and clasps his hands together at the edge of his laptop. “Back to your email. Can ya tell me what you’re confused about?”
Three hours and two Impossible Burgers later, you suddenly understand everything about food molecules so well that you wonder why you’d even been confused in the first place. But besides that, you’ve also picked up things about Osamu. As a person and not an idea. Not that you’d been actively searching for fun facts about your TA. But they’d stuck to your brain like gum at the bottom of a desk. He likes to slip sarcastic quips into a conversation every now and then. Eats burgers upside down (“The right way,” as he’d said, smirking). Is friendlier than he looks.
“You’re really good at explaining things,” you comment as Osamu shuts his laptop closed.
“Well, I kinda have to be,” he says. And maybe it’s the mental fatigue catching up on him or the fact that he’s real fond of the reason why he can break big concepts down into morsels but suddenly, the rest of his thoughts spill out his mouth like wine. “I have a twin brother with potato salad for brains.”
“Oh?”
And before he can stop himself, he tells you about Miya Atsumu, the pro-athlete you’ve definitely heard of but never gave too much thought. And then you hold onto the fact that they were both on the volleyball team and you ask of which school, so then he tells you about Inarizaki, the high school he attended, and then his decision not to go pro to go to college, and then––
“Sorry,” he laughs, cheeks turning pink. “You probably didn’t need to hear all that.”
“No, it’s fine,” you say–– and you mean it. “Your life is interesting.”
Osamu leans back in his chair. “Well, I’m sure yours is, too.” He holds your gaze like it’s the key to your presence. It’s an invitation. The kind that comes from people who don’t really know if they want you around but also don’t want you gone.
You take it.
Osamu shouldn’t–– he really shouldn’t–– but he wonders about the things you didn’t tell him the entire drive home.
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Isla laughs when you tell her about what happened at Jack’s. You lay in bed with your phone next to you on speaker, your face turned on your pillow so that you’re staring out the window at the city below.
“He wants you,” she sings.
“Or he was just being nice.”
“Methinks not!” Isla giggles. “He’s intrigued, girl! You’re like that cute little new mystery in his life and he just wants to get to know you.”
“I think he was just being polite.”
“Or he’s crushing on you!”
“In your dreams.”
“You mean yours? Boo, you’re no fun today. Usually, you go along with the jokes.” Isla’s tone is playful on the surface but full of implications.
A few silent seconds pass. Yeah, you think, agreeing. I do.
“Girl,” Isla drags out the word in a high pitch, saying it like a scientist says ‘eureka’. “You’re not playing along anymore because it’s real now. You're actually catching feelings!”
“Am not!” you laugh.
“The Y/N I knew would’ve said ‘nah, bitch, he’s catching feelings’ and I think that says all there is to say.”
“Okay, I think he’s cute but it’s not a crush,” you concede, grinning. “And he’s the TA, Isles. It’d never happen.”
“Not while he’s still a TA in a class you take.”
“Isla.”
“Ask him out once this semester ends! Unless you’re chicken.”
“I’m not asking him out.”
“Knew you were––”
“Have you seen me? He’s asking me out.”
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Miya Osamu walks through the door at eight-fifty as usual that next morning, dressed in his usual button-up, holding his usual cup of coffee. But this time, as the rest of his tall frame passes through the doorway, Osamu’s eyes subtly scan the faces in the lecture hall, lingering for just a while over yours. The corners of your lips turn up. You hope he saw that.
“Bitch!” Isla whisper-screams. The students sitting around you turn around at the noise and grin at each other when they realise it’s just Isla being… well, Isla. She shoos them away jokingly.
“What?” you whisper back.
“Care to explain why our TA was literally eye-fucking you?”
“That was hardly eye-fucking,” you retort. “Maybe like an eye-handshake.”
“Yeah, a naked eye-handshake where his thang is handshaking your––”
He does it again the next class.
And the next.
And then he doesn’t. Miya Osamu walks through the door to Food Chemistry I at eight-fifty in the morning in a navy blue button-up with a cup of coffee in his hand and looks through the rows of seats in the lecture hall for your face, only to find it missing.
He debates pressing the matter.
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hey osamu,
i wasn’t in class today because i’ve been sick with the flu (no big deal, just feel like i’m dying). a classmate sent me pictures of the slides from today so i think i should be fine, but is it okay if i email you with any questions? thank you very much!
miserably,
Y/N
MS Candidate
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences
Haikyuu University
y/n,
of course. sorry to hear that you’re sick. let me know if i can do anything to help you. the midterm is next week. get well soon.
OM
PhD Candidate
College of Agriculture and Life Sciences
Haikyuu University
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“You writing that the midterm is next week did not offer me any peace of mind, by the way,” you say, spinning around in your chair as Miya Osamu enters your pod in the library.
He offers you a wry grin. “Hello to ya, too.”
“Was that an accent?” You thought you’d heard one at Jack’s, but you couldn’t be sure because it’d been so spotty.
Osamu slips into the seat beside yours and pulls out the laptop in his messenger bag. You catch a whiff of his cologne–– something spicy and woody, but clean. It suits him. “Nice catch. Yeah, I speak a regional dialect. Took me a while to smooth it over but it still resurfaces every now and then.”
“Why?”
“It just didn’t seem fitting for a PhD candidate, I guess,” Osamu explains, opening the slides from the class you missed. A day after your initial exchange, you’d emailed him again (with a much clearer mind) and asked if he could go over the slides with you in person.
i literally feel like i’ve been given the homework from russian lit, you’d written. except the russian has been translated to hieroglyphs and my task is to choreograph an interpretive dance based on the hieroglyphs.
Osamu had snickered when he saw your email. that doesn’t even make sense. must be the fever talking, he’d been tempted to write. But that strange feeling had come over him again, the one that’d screamed at him to keep it professional, goddamnit, so he’d played it safe instead and sent is eight pm at the main library okay? He hates that you’re getting a watered-down version of his personality. Osamu swears he’s a lot more interesting when he’s not, well, a TA.
“I think it’s fine,” you say, smiling. “I like it. It’s you.” And suddenly, you’re wondering if it’s okay to be complimenting your TA. If it’s okay to say that you like things about him, or if that crosses some grey, unclear line. Is it weird to treat your TAs like they’re your friends? It’s not like TAs are real teachers. Right?
A grin–– wide and genuine and almost excited–– grows on Osamu’s face. He rubs the back of his neck as his eyes flit over to the laptop screen. “Thanks. Really.”
You nod. But you feel like there’s more that he might want to say, so you wait.
“I got a lot of shit for it when I came here for my master’s, y’know. Not to my face, of course, but people would refer to me as ‘the guy with the accent’. A professor once said it made me seem crass. Said it’d hold me back in my career.”
“So you changed.”
“Adapted,” Osamu corrects. “It’s hard to admit but conforming is sometimes all you can do when you don’t have the power to change the system. Can’t really make everyone suddenly respect a dialect.”
“And after you’re finished with your PhD, you’ll go back to speaking in that dialect?”
Osamu looks out the window and smiles, probably imagining the plans he’s already made about the future. “Yeah.”
“What if you have to speak the standard language at your job? Like, your boss is all, ‘hey man, if you don’t speak––”’
“I’ll be the boss.”
“Oh?”
And with a little more prodding, Miya Osamu tells you about the restaurant chain he plans on opening after graduation, the slides about food additives left completely untouched.
The librarian knocks on your pod a few minutes before eleven to tell you they’re closing.
“Shit,” Osamu murmurs, running his hands through his hair. You’re still laughing about something he’d said before the librarian interrupted him–– one of his stories from high school–– and he thinks that you’ve completely forgotten that the reason you came to the library was to catch up on the material you were already behind on. And now you’re behind on that. But you look so carefree right now and, actually, you’re very pretty and you’ve got such a good heart and it’s a lot for him to process but he knows he just wants to see you happy a while longer. So Osamu just slumps back in his chair and laughs along with you.
He says your name as his chuckles grow softer. “It’s pretty late. How’re you getting home?”
“I’ve a bike,” you reply. It’s good for the environment and is a pretty solid form of exercise if you do say so yourself. Sometimes you just don’t feel like driving. 
Osamu presses his lips in a thin line. Would it be too much to offer you a ride? “I can drive you home. It’s really not safe for you to be alone outside, especially near midnight. You can get your bike tomorrow. Or I’ll get it for you.”
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He drives fast. Not the unsafe fast that speed demons drive at, but the kind of fast where you know he’s got some edge to his character. You bring it up to him–– especially since it’s nighttime, for god’s sake, he could hit something–– and all he does is remind you how there are lamps as bright as the sun lining the entire road to your dorm. And the fact that you live in the least accessible dorm on campus.
“A twenty-minute drive?” he’d exclaimed when he saw the GPS monitor.
“A bunch of roads are closed for construction. It’s a ten-minute bike-ride because I can cut through campus.” And suddenly feeling a little burdensome, you’d added, “Sorry. I can still bike––”
“No.” He’d held his hand out in front of you, gesturing for you to stay in the passenger’s seat. “It’s not a bother at all.” Because it wasn’t. Osamu was… happy. Not that he’d admit that.
“So this BMW,” you start in a teasing tone.
Osamu smirks. “A gift.”
“Can I guess from who?”
“Sure.”
“Atsumu.”
His brows rise. “Colour me impressed.” He hadn’t expected you to remember anything he’d said about Atsumu. Or maybe he had but told himself otherwise to lower his hopes.
“I’m smart like that.”
He snorts. “Not if you keep distracting me and using your review time to…” hang out with me, get to know me, tell me things about you… “…goof off.”
You grimace. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”
Osamu makes a turn down a familiar street. It dawns upon you that you're ten minutes away from your dorm and suddenly you wish he’d just make the wrong turn at the next intersection so that you could talk to him some more. It can even be about the health benefits of fish or the molecular makeup of kale–– you don’t mind. You just want to be around him longer.
“I think you’re really smart,” Osamu says quietly. “I think you’re not processing the readings because you’re distracted, or just not fully applying yourself. Obviously, last class’s slides are a different thing, since you were absent. But you really are smart. I’ve seen your papers.”
You bite your lip to hide your grin, feeling heat rush to your cheeks. “Thank you.” You look out the window, too jacked on dopamine to think straight. “I think I still need you, though.”
And that innocuous little sentence floats right out your mouth into the air, settling between you like a little wedge before either of you even realise it. Neither of you says anything. You marinate in the awkwardness before stuttering out a clarification. “To, um, to explain things. Y’know, since you’re, uh, so good at… explaining things.”
Osamu clears his throat and chuckles stiffly. There’s a slightly pink tinge to his cheeks. “Thanks,” he says, looking straight ahead. He can’t even look at you. Fuck. It’s so awkward. “I’ll try to keep… explaining things.” Fuck. What does that even mean?
A few uncomfortable minutes pass in silence. The night can’t end like this, you think. It can’t when everything else had gone so well. You still have to see him for a few more months. “Did you know,” you start, catching Osamu’s attention, “that Jack’s Diner has a location in Italy?”
“Oh?” he asks, making the final turn to the street where your dorm is. He actually hadn’t.
“Yeah. I asked the owner about the chain a while back. Have you ever been to Italy?”
Osamu shakes his head. “I’ve been to Paris, though. To see a friend. He’s a chocolatier.”
Now, if Osamu had been your friend, you would’ve said something like well, let’s go to Italy together, except he’s not. He’s your TA and you’ve been reminded that enough tonight. So instead, you say, “When you open that restaurant of yours in Italy, let me know.”
“That’s gonna take a while,” he laughs. He appreciates how you said ‘when’, though. And he tucks that little bit of confidence you have in him somewhere deep in his mind so that it doesn’t get lost.
“Isn’t that just seven hours?” you shrug, grinning. Osamu’s BMW pulls up outside your dorm and parks as he marvels at what you just said. You’re amazing. You unbuckle your seatbelt and turn to face your driver.
“Thank you for driving me,” you say, offering him a smile.
“Yeah,” he replies.
You stretch out your hand. With a puzzled look on his face, Osamu grabs it and shakes it. Firmly. You can’t help but notice how nice his hands are. Calloused for sure, but they feel nice.
“Goodnight, Osamu.”
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
He watches you jog into the building before driving away. And it’s like you’ve possessed his car or something because the smell of your shampoo and perfume is everywhere and it’s too much but it’s also not enough at the same time and he can feel your palm against his as he spins the steering wheel to make a turn and for the first time in his life he doesn’t turn on the radio to fill the silence in his car. Osamu replays everything you said in his head.
But he especially thinks about that part where you said you need him.
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Weeks melt into months. You turn in essays after essays for Food Chemistry I, each coming back with detailed commentary in an all-too-familiar blue scrawl. All your other classes go well–– extremely well, actually. You might just end the semester with a 4.0 if Food Chem doesn’t fuck you over. Isla still tags you in memes on Instagram. You still tell her about everything that happens with Osamu.
Speaking of.
“That’s the wrong equation,” he says behind your ear as he settles in the seat beside you. The sound of his low voice so close to your ear sends a small shiver down your spine. “You gotta switch the hydrogens.” Osamu knocks on your skull lightly. “What’s goin’ on up in there? Ya got somethin’ on your mind?”
You laugh and elbow him in the side. “Shut up, ‘Samu.” He’d told you during one of his office hours that he’d gone by that nickname because he had a teammate with a foreign name in high school. It sounded so cool, he’d said, grinning.
I think Osamu sounds pretty cool already, you’d teased.
And he’d replied, Let’s trade. I like yours, you like mine, why not share?
You teeter on the line between friends and less-than-friends and, oddly enough, more-than-friends. Sometimes you still play it safe. Sometimes he pauses between texts and real-time conversations, no doubt to scrap an instinctive reply for something more “professional”. Sometimes you say things that make him look at you with the ghost of a smile at the corners of his lips. Sometimes he calls Atsumu to scream about you.
“S’not a no,” Osamu points out. He’s dressed in a black sweater and grey trousers today. You’re suddenly reminded of how the weather’s been getting colder when someone opens the door to the university café and lets in a gust of chilly autumn air.
“Okay,” you admit, setting down the pencil. “I just… don’t really feel prepared for this next test.”
Osamu frowns and looks down at your worksheet. “Your process is correct, though.”
“Right, but… I don’t know. I’ve just not been feeling great about myself lately,” you laugh, looking down at your feet. “Food Chem’s the toughest class I’ve ever taken. And remember how I completely embarrassed myself in that class discussion last week? It’s not really making me feel like I belong here.”
“Imposter syndrome,” Osamu remarks.
“Correct-o.”
He says your name softly and puts a gentle hand on your shoulder. “Maybe you’re not the smartest, but you’re definitely smart. And you belong here. I’ve seen your papers. They’re just as great as anyone else’s and I don’t hand out compliments for nothin’. You’re gonna do some great things but ya can’t improve if you ever give up.” Osamu searches your eyes for a sign of your understanding.
There’re a lot of things you want to say but you don’t know how to put them into words. “Can I hug you?” you finally ask.
Osamu doesn’t even think about it. “Of course.”
He feels you smile against his chest and wonders if you can feel his heart beat faster.
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Isla camps out in your dorm as finals come around the corner.
“I don’t understand shit!” she wails, throwing her notebook into the air.
“Isles, it’s okay,” you laugh, slipping out of your chair and walking over to her nest in the corner. “You gotta chill, dude.”
“Not fair! I didn’t have a hunk holding my hand through this course all semester,” she retorts, humour glittering in her dark eyes. “I had the Organic Chemistry Tutor and his accent’s cute enough but, girl, you had Miya Fucking Osamu!”
“You’re literally the worst.” You giggle and sit down beside her. “Tell me what you’re confused about. I’ll try to explain it to you.” The way Osamu does.
You text him that you’d channelled his brains later that night.
His reply comes seconds later. all you, einstein.
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From: osamu
good luck on the exam
you’re going to kill it
To: osamu
would u like to divulge any… information about it? 😏 😏 😏
From: osamu
bye
To: osamu
i was kidding :(
From: osamu
fine. tip #1: write your name
To: osamu
not very helpful. 0/10
From: osamu
keep running your mouth and 0/10 is what your score’s going to be
i’m kidding
you got this, y/n
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“Holy fuck,” Isla groans as you cross the street to head to lunch at Jack’s. “If you don’t see me next semester it’s because I’ve gotten my grade back and decided to drop out.”
“What would you do?” you ask, amused.
“Maybe move to New Zealand. Raise some sheep. Marry a hot, blond shepherd and fuck off to a cliffside cottage.”
“Solid plan.”
“What about you?” she asks.
“What about me?”
“Remember that conversation we had at the start of the year? About your man?” The two of you reach another red light for pedestrians.
“We’re friends. He’s not my man,” you laugh. Though it pains you to. Something about being Miya Osamu’s friend doesn’t really sit right with you, but you don’t know how to not be his friend. You don’t know how to move out of the corner you’ve backed yourself into.
“But you wish he were! And now you can finally hit him with that ‘Hey, Osamu, I’ve been madly in love with you since the start of the semester, wanna fuck like rabbits and then open that store in Italy?’ and he’ll be all––”
A throat clears behind you. With wide eyes, the two of you turn around.
Holy fuck.
Miya Osamu stands behind you with his hands in his pockets and an enormous smirk on his face.
“He’ll be all what?” he asks, eyes fixed on you.
Isla murmurs an excuse and starts walking on her own to Jack’s.
“Um.” You swallow nervously and shrink in your coat. “You heard all of that, right?”
“Yep.” Osamu grins. He grins. He’s grinning. He’s smiling like he’s won the fucking lottery and you honestly don’t know what to do with that information.
“So, like,” you look down at the sidewalk and kick at a pebble, “what are your thoughts about that?” God, you could die. “‘Cause I know you’re a TA and it’d probably look pretty bad and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you because I like you and it’s cool if we just…”
Osamu interrupts you with a laugh. “My thoughts,” he says, “are that I want to kiss you.” His fingers lift your chin up. “What are your thoughts about that?”
Well, shit. “I think that’s pretty cool, yeah,” you breathe, eyelids fluttering shut as his face comes closer to yours.
He tastes like mint. And his lips move softly, slowly against yours like he’s savouring the moment. And then you feel his hands snake around your waist to pull you closer–– closer because you both are tired of forcing the distance between bodies that want to be near each other, closer because he’s thought about kissing you just like this for so long, closer because you remember the last time he’d touched you was three days ago and it was just a brush of his fingers against your arm and that feeling of wanting more haunted you for the entire night. But holy shit, Miya Osamu is kissing you. He’s kissing you.
And then he pulls away. His dark eyes flit over yours. “I,” he breathes, “I need your course load next semester.”
“What?” you ask, disbelief written all over your features, chest rising and falling as you try to steady your breathing. You just kissed, for God's sake, and he's––
“I need to know which courses not to apply to TA for,” he grins, cupping your face in his hands. “Can’t be teachin’ in a class with my girlfriend as a student.”
“So we’re official?” you ask, beaming.
“If you want,” Osamu replies with a smirk.
You grab the front of his coat and tug him down for another kiss. “Hell yeah, I want to be official.”
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The first tell was the body next to her. The second was the warmth. Her bed was never warm these days. The first two things had already clued her in that there was something off. Off was an understatement. She’s certain she passed out on her office floor clutching a bottle of alcohol and Jess was going to kill her in the morning. So, how the fuck-
The longer she stays there, eyes closed, feeling the breathing of a stranger, the more she’s convinced she’s suffered from amnesia. 
Beyond scared she opens her eyes, hoping, praying that she didn’t bring home some idiot from a cheap lesbian bar. Her eyes land on blonde hair and an all too familiar set of defined shoulders and Lena lets out a gasp of surprise. She sobers up, jerks upright. Jolting the pair of arms wrapped around her waist and making her companion wake abruptly. 
“Lena- Wha- Why’re you awake?”
“Kara-” That was all she was capable of as of the moment, because Kara was sitting up and flicking on the bedside lamp, letting Lena glimpse the small clock on the nightstand that read 4: 00 a.m. 
Kara’s voice was all raspy and sleep-laden and she was looking at Lena with concern. She was looking at Lena like they’ve done this all the time. And they did. 
Once. 
She remembers jerking awake screaming from nightmares and Kara holding her; remembers waking up to Kara’s screams and holding her. 
But this-
This wasn’t right. 
“Did you have a nightmare?” She asks, crinkle forming. And Lena just stares and stares and-
“Kara, this isn’t real.”
“What? Oh, baby, come here. That dream must’ve really done a number on you, huh?” Kara coos and she gathers Lena in her arms. Lena can do nothing but melt and follow Kara’s movements, her mind is still reeling. 
Trying to decipher the events that had led here. This wasn’t real. This-
A tremble shakes the bed. Lena’s heart rate ticks up, Kara seems to have heard because she’s tightening her embrace and more words come out of her lips, but Lena doesn’t hear a word of it.
“I’m here, you’re safe. I’m here.” 
Lena finally finds her voice and she slowly tries to extricate herself from Kara. She can feel her hesitating to let her go. 
“This isn’t real,” She repeats and Kara is ready to protest, “Please, Kara. Please listen to me?”
She nods. Kara was never one to deny Lena anything, anyway. Lena sighs a breath of relief. 
“Thank you. Uh- I think this isn’t real, Kara. I think I’m inside a Black Mercy induced dream.”
And as if it heard a cue, the bed and the rest of the room vibrates as if ashamed of being called-out so easily. 
“No, no, no. You aren’t. You’re real. I’m real, You-” Kara is scrambling for words, “Look- Here, feel this?” Kara frantically grabs her hand and presses it to her own chest, “Can you feel it? This is real. Don’t say it isn-”
Lena feels like sobbing, because it does feel real. The strong beats underneath her palm thundering through her very soul. It feels so so so fucking real. She’s never wanted something to be real as bad as this. She wants to believe, because Kara is looking at her with those baby blue eyes and she wants to say that ‘Yes, I believe it real. We’re real.’
She can’t.
“Kara, the bed is trembling. Can you feel it? This isn't real. You’re in my head.”
It was brutal. She watches Kara’s face fall. She retracts her hand back. 
“How are you so sure that this isn’t real?”
The question was asked with so much fear. 
“Because,” she starts shaky but certain, “I hurt you, Kara. And that is the one thing that I can never forget.”
It was true. She can never forget the way Kara crumpled to her feet. Can’t forget the way the Girl of Steel broke by Lena’s hands. Can’t forget the tear-stricken face. 
Can’t forget the pleas. 
“Don’t do this, Lena. Please, come on. Please, stay. Don’t leave. Not you, please I can’t-”
“Oh.”
The silence was deafening. She can’t look at Kara as she processes everything. So she takes the time to survey the room. And God, every inch of the room screams how much they’ve stitched their lives with the other. 
There were books haphazardly stacked in one corner, a painting easel in the other, Kara’s cape shining in the dim light of the lamp, Lena’s old MIT sweatshirt at the foot of the bed. 
A wedding portrait. They were married here. Fuck. 
Lena chances a glance at her left hand and not only does she find a ring but also a matching gold bracelet. A Kryptonian mating band. Now, she notices that Kara’s ring was worn on her neck next to her Mother’s necklace Lena supposes she wears it underneath the Super suit and a matching bracelet sitting on her left wrist. 
“I’m sorry,” Lena says ‘for everything.’ she wants to add but she remembers this isn’t her Kara. She doesn’t have a Kara. She doesn’t have any part of Kara. Not anymore.
“What are you sorry for? If anyone could figure out they were inside a parasite induced dream, it would be you.  You’re a genius but you’re dumb for apologizing. You should reject the fantasy now, Lena. You’ll die.”
Damn it, even here. 
Even here Lena is still hurting her and Kara still wants to save her. 
The tears finally fall. The sobs come next. 
“Oh, Lena. Come here. It’s okay. I’m here,”
“I- I know, I’ll die but God, Kara, I want to stay here. I- You’re my everything, you know?”
“I know, Lena. I’ve always known. You don’t have to die because I’ll always know. You need to get out of here now,” She whispers against Lena’s temple and Lena takes the time to breathe her in. God, even the scent smells real. 
“Y-you’re right. I should go, but-” Lena doesn’t know how to ask for what she wants. That was what her therapist had said the first time she booked an appointment.
“But what?”
“Tell me about our life here first?” At that Kara pulls away a bit to look into her eyes; gauging if this is really what Lena wants. 
It is, it’s what she wants but more than that it’s what she needs. The reassurance that somewhere out there, there was a world in which they made each other happy. That in a universe out there--whether real or not--the both of them had a taste of a happy ending.
“Okay, okay yeah. But first, promise me you’ll get out of here as fast as you can, once we’re done?” 
She was never one to deny Lena Luthor anything, remember? She was more than happy to recount the entirety of their love story to her.
“Thank you.” And Lena can’t help but press a soft kiss to Kara’s cheek. 
“Where do you want to start?”
“Do we have a dog?”
“Krypto,” Kara says with a shy smile as if she knows that Lena would laugh at the goofy sentimental name choice, “And a cat, Streaky Jr., you don’t allow pets in the bedroom so,”
“I’m impressed we have the time for pets,” Lena whispers as she shifts closer to Kara in the bed. Heart now beating in a steady calm rhythm, gone was the panic earlier, now replaced by a sense of security, no matter how false it is. 
“Well, you decided to distribute most of the workload to Jess--who you promoted to board member by the way, and to Sam. And since, Wednesday is my first day as Editor-in-Chief, my schedule’s not as busy as it was.”
It was nice to hear that. The way they have obviously chosen to grow into themselves together. She was glad that in her perfect world she hadn’t forgotten about Jess and Sam.
“Oh, and also you spend most of your days in our home lab with Jack anyway. So, the pets get plenty of love.”
“Jacky’s alive here?”
“Yeah, you reversed the nanotech matrix. You saved him.”
And the crying fest begins anew. 
“I miss him, so much.”
“I’m sorry.”
Lena doesn’t have to explain her reaction, Kara knows how to read her anyway.
At the reminder of Jack, Lena finds the courage to ask a question she’s never thought she would want to ask.
“What about Lex and Lillian?”
“Well, your brother’s probably drunk in an L-Corp gala somewhere and Lillian’s probably plotting about how she’s going to insult my next article-”
So, she still has her brother and it seems like Lillian’s not much of a xenophobe as she is in reality but she senses that she still is a bad mother with the way Kara talks.
“When did we get married?”
“Two years after we first met. We had two, actually.”
“I’m guessing I insisted on a Kryptonian wedding and you insisted on a human one?”
She knows that one, because she’s been thinking about it. Well, at least she was before everything went to shit. She wanted to give Kara a Kryptonian ceremony. She had wanted to show her that Lena would be honored to share everything Kara’s world had to offer.
“Are we-” she hesitated, “Are we happy, Kara?”
She wasted no time in answering, “The happiest. You make me the happiest soul alive in this universe and in any universe.”
Fresh tears fall down the side of her face and Kara wipes them away before speaking, “Can I ask you a question?”
“Well, I guess it’s only fair.” Lena sniffles and prepares her mind for what she knows will be an emotionally-charged exchange not that this has been an easy conversation thus far.
“Out there, are you happy?”
Lena’s air is stolen from her. Well, she doesn’t know how to answer that one. 
“Sometimes,” she whispers. She’s not happy most of the time but sometimes she is.
Sometimes, Ruby calls her to tell her about a science project or sometimes Nia sends her meme even though she hasn’t been to Game Nights for almost a year now, sometimes Brainy takes her out for a drink and she feels like she’s got a little brother to call her own. 
So yeah, sometimes. Because the thought of perpetual happiness without Kara in her life is impossible. 
“Only sometimes?” Kara asks, brow furrowing.
“Yeah, only sometimes. Not like it matters, anyway.”
“Well, of course it matters! Your happiness matters!” Kara exclaims, old habits die hard what can she say?
But then Kara takes a turn from defensive to curious again, “Am I happy? Out there? I mean?” 
“I- I have no idea.”
Lena waits for the answer to sink in to Kara. 
“What? What do you mean you have no idea?”
“Remember when I said I hurt you?” 
Kara gives her a nod.
“Well, I haven’t seen you for a long time. I’ve been avoiding you. Normally people tend to not seek out their exes, you know.” 
She’s trying to keep it lighthearted. She’s trying not to let this Kara see how much she craves her presence, how much she wishes she could see Kara again. Don’t get her wrong, Supergirl is plastered every minute on the news, but- 
That’s not who she wants to see. 
“She’s miserable,” Kara answers point-blank leaving no room for argument, “If you’ve been avoiding me, I’d be miserable.”
That has Lena speechless. 
Because miserable would be an understatement of how things had been ever since they ended things. 
Ever since Lena ended things. 
“I don’t like not being with you, you know?” Kara states as if Lena doesn’t feel the same.
“I- I don’t like that either.”
“I know.”
She has to go. Lena knows she has to go but Kara is looking at her so sincerely and she can feel the love and she knows this is nothing but an intricate trap formed by an alien parasite slowly killing her. She has to go but-
“Lena!” 
The both of them are startled and four eyes immediately land to-
Kara?! No, not Kara. Supergirl.
“Supergirl,” She says; surprise coloring her voice. She didn’t know Supergirl would go in and save her. Hell, she didn’t even know how she found her. But then again, she’s tried solving the puzzle that is Kara Zor-El but had never been able to piece it together. 
Supergirl takes a look at her doppelganger in bed with Lena; a scene so familiar to her. A scene she’s replayed again and again in her head. A scene that was once their reality then a memory and now an illusion. She takes a step closer.
“Lena, we have to go, please. Please believe me, this isnt-” 
“-real,” Lena finishes for her and Supegirl looks stunned, “I know, Supergirl. I know how to reject my own fantasy. I’ve had plenty of practice, after all.”
She aims for sarcasm, because fucking fucking hell, how the fuck does anybody expect her to function if there were two Kara’s in front of her?
That was asking for too much. 
Beside her, Kara had gone silent. It seems like she knows what comes next. She knows what Supergirl intends to do. They’re the same person after all. 
“It’s okay,” Lena hears Kara say and she breaks away from the hero’s gaze to find Kara looking at her with those eyes again.
“It’s okay, Lena,” She repeats, “It’s okay, Supergirl’s here. You’re gonna be safe. Stay safe for me, yeah?”
“Lena we have to go. Now,” Supergirl commands from the other side of the room. 
“Okay, yeah,” She whispers then she turns to Supergirl, “Just give me a chance to say goodbye, please?”
Supergirl stares at her for a moment then at Kara then she gives them both a nod and turns back to give them privacy.
“Last question?”
“Hit me.”
“What’s your surname?”
“Luthor.”
Fuck. She shouldn’t feel this surprised but damn, hearing Kara confirm it? Lena doesn’t know how to feel about that. She doesn’t know how to feel about all of this. 
“Just like you promised.”
“Just like I promised.” 
The words are echoed back to her and Lena hates the way she’s noticed how stiff Supergirl’s posture had become in her periphery. Ignores the fact that Supergirl has superhearing. 
“Thank you for indulging me, Kara.”
“Always.”
Goodbye, darling.”
And then everything fades to black.
author’s note: hiya lovely people send me an ask if i should write a follow-up for this.
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Just saw your post about the post phase 1 Marvel movies and the meme you used for CA:CW. So I'm here to ask and get you cancelled. What did you think about the movie? Are you Team Stark or Team Rogers?
........................................................I knew this day would come......okay, let's get me cancelled!
I hate this movie, I hate this movie with every fiber of my being. Watching it was torture, it as the longest 20hrs of my life. It was like living out one of those very confusing math problems I started this movie at 10am somehow 6pm rolls around and there are still 2hrs left! Coño cómo?! I watched this with my mom, and when we checked how much time was left we were left looking at each other like 'que carajo what twilight zone bullshit is this?' It's one of those Marvel movies that I am so glad I did not waste my money on, I wish I could get a refund for my time but I made my choice and I shall now have to deal with it.
I hate this movie for many reasons but I'm not gonna make y'all wait any longer for what you're really here for because I know what y'all really want to know is whether I am Team Iron Man or Team Captain America. When it comes to the political aspects ie. the Accords, I am Team Neither.
Now, I cannot get into a comprehensive debate about the Accords because the writers did a shitty ass job, in a 2 and a 1/2 hour movie that felt like a lifetime, at explaining what exactly the Accords are in the movie universe. Emphasis on the movie universe, because I have seen debates go on in this motherfucking fandom where some people will bring up aspects from the comics Registration Acts but we're not talking about the comics okay, we're talking about the movies! And they're two fucking different things! And the movie did a shitty ass job at explaining what the Accords are, and that's one of the reasons I hate this movie: that it's so badly written.
But back to the point, which is where I stand on the teams when it comes to the politics, I am Team Neither because ultimately they were both idiots on how they handled this, and I think they both have good points like yes the Avengers and other superheroes should 100% be held accountable if they fuck up, the fact that they are superheroes and the "good guys" doesn't mean that their actions shouldn't have consequences but at the same time Steve's mistrust of the government and concerns that the team and others could be weaponized are also valid so I think they both have good points when it comes down to it and the smart thing to do - and in my opinion what would have made a much better film- would have been to come together and make like a counterproposal, decide on amendments, try to ensure they can get a representative so they have a voice on the table.
So, there you go when it comes to the Accords I am Team Neither however when it comes to the characters and their actions I am 1,000% Team Tony. At the end of the day he wanted to do what was best for both people and for his team, he wanted to keep the team together because he knew they were stronger together, and he was thinking long term not short term.
And then there's Steve who is an asshole in this film and completely lacks self awareness, cause there's a scene in the film after they've found out about the Accords where Steve goes "that's because he already made up his mind" about Tony and I'm just like bitch so did you, pot meet kettle, Rogers you knew from the get go that you weren't going to sign those papers don't go acting different and then like- here's the thing Steve has some very good points when it comes to the Accords but one of his points is that the UN is filled with people with agendas and agendas change which true but also motherfucker you yourself have an agenda! The whole Sokovia mess is an example that they cannot be trusted to hold themselves or each other accountable because inevitably the time will come where they'll want to protect their team mate like we see in this movie Steve do with Bucky, or how he wanted to protect Wanda because he looks at her as if she were a child not an adult. Steve, you lot are not exempt from having your own agendas and biases.
And through pretty much the entire movie, he has this whole my way or the highway attitude like this man does not know the meaning of compromise in this film, and he has such tunnel vision for Bucky- and listen! listen, listeeeeeen, I get it, I don't judge Steve for making his bestie a priority; I understand that Bucky is incredibly important to Steve, that he's the one person who's gonna look at him as just Steve and not as the Steve Rogers, I get that he carries a guilt over what happened to his friend, I understand he misses him, I understand all of that and respect the ride or die game but goddamn he was so focused on being a good friend to Bucky that he forgot about everyone and everything else and was a shit friend to Tony.
Actually a lot of people in this film were shit to Tony for no goddamn reason but Steve was such a shitty friend not telling Tony about his parents, that was a shitty ass thing to do and listen! I know what some of y'all are thinking you're thinking some version of 'he wanted to protect Tony' shut the fuck up. No, no, that's an excuse and it's a cheap one, you know damn well that was a shitty thing for Steve to do and y'all know damn well you would have reacted the same way Tony did if someone who you thought was your goddamn friend knew about something horrible that happened to people that were important to you and they never told you; that kind of shit hurts, and finding out someone you thought of as a friend doesn't care about you as much as you care about them hurts.
And y'all know goddamn well how emotions work, you know emotions aren't gonna wait for the rational brain to kick in don't some of y'all go playing dumb as if you didn't know this shit. Same way deep down all of y'all know Tony was holding his punches, that man gave Thanos a fight and got some blood if he had wanted to kill Bucky he would have. Don't none of y'all motherfuckers try to play games and act like you don't know this info.
Steve was a shit friend to Tony. Period. The least he could have done is have some empathy or compassion towards Tony when he saw his parent's being killed- and I swear to motherfucking god to the person who is getting close to their keyboard thinking of saying he showed compassion by not killing him back the fuck away from your motherfucking keyboard what did I tell you about playing stupid, this is properly tagged, stay in your fucking lane. Some of y'all be acting as if it were still 2016 and we're gonna be talking about that too, anon wanted my opinion on this film so now I'm going off.
Back to what I was saying, in some ways Steve wasn't a perfect friend to Bucky either cause he kept looking at Bucky and thinking of the guy he used to know but Bucky's not that person anymore, he's been through a lot of shit and it feels at times like Steve didn't fully realize that.
I hate Steve in this movie, I wanna punch him in the throat; he's an ass, he thinks he's above the rules, he's unaware of his own flaws, he might be a good friend to Bucky but that's it. I don't blame Steve though I blame the writers cause they're the ones who wrote him this way; moving on from Steve, I wanna talk about Wanda real quick, I don't hate the character of Wanda but I do hate the way she was written in this film, I hate that the writers expect us as an audience to look at this adult and think of her as a defenseless child who should be exempt from consequences, I hate that instead of actually doing something with her and exploring some interesting dynamics they just give her an AI boyfriend and a pinterest quote which sounds nice but falls flat especially considering she says said quote as she uses her powers (which is what people are afraid of) to send her love interest down several floors of a building. They could have done so many cool and interesting things with her, shame they didn't.
Another thing I hate about this film is what it did to the fandom, and how it was promoted because it was very much promoted as a pick your fighter, pick a side type of movie and after this movie came out I feel like the divide between Tony fans and Steve fans grew toxically and the effects are still seen to this day like some people really do be acting as if it were still 2016 and attacking others for what side they went with or for who their fav between the two is, and I'll be very honest a lot of the hate I have seen has been directed towards Tony and Tony fans. I hate that, I hate when TPTB deliberately pits fans against each other cause it just encourages a toxic environment.
Let me think was there anything that I liked about this film- wait, oh my god talking about all these other things I hate almost made me forget the thing I hate the most about this movie: it's pointless. Its existence is unnecessary; the biggest aspect of this film isn't the politics of the Accords, it's Steve and Bucky and how far Steve is willing to go for Bucky and have him by his side...but Endgame exists. The end of Endgame turns this film pointless, because the only true point of this movie is the relationship between Steve and Bucky that's the biggest takeaway from the whole thing, but then you have the end of Endgame where Steve just leaves Bucky.
I hated this film before I saw Endgame but after.....I never plan to watch Civil War again but if I did I'm pretty sure I'd self combust cause I'd be so angry I'd scream every time Steve appeared cause that son of a bitch ends up leaving; tears the whole team apart only to end up leaving his friend behind in the end.
I hate this film, I hate everything about it, well that's not true I love the Tony and Peter stuff, but aside from a couple of things I hate this movie, someone give me time stone I'm eliminating it from the timeline.
So, there you go those are my thoughts on CA: CW.
In conclusion, I am Team Neither on the Accords, Team Tony on everything else, Steve I still like you but this movie demoted you in my eyes and makes me wanna punch you in the throat.
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sepublic · 3 years
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Kraid!
KKKKKRRRRAAAAAIIIIIIDDDDD
I was trying to avoid as much of Metroid Dread as possible to be surprised... But then I learned KRAID is back, in glorious HD as part of a mainline game and...
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Oh, he’s beautiful!
Seriously, I’ve always wanted to see more of Kraid! Dude was one of the OG Space Pirates alongside Mother Brain and Ridley, who are present throughout the series; And as someone who is apparently Ridley’s Brother-in-Arms, I’m just really curious on what he could be like?
I doubt we’ll get much if anything in terms of personality, but that’s how Metroid games work anyway! Hopefully we get more lore on Kraid, how is he still alive? Does he have regenerative abilities, is he just really incredibly durable? An X-parasite imitation? Fake Kraid has grown up and this is Sclayd? Did the Chozo clone him, maybe even somehow resurrect him from a dead body, or even the afterlife considering their borderline mystical abilities???
Either way, that’s clever of the designers to have Kraid be restrained, as a meta explanation as to why he doesn’t just charge forward- Thus allowing the developers to start off with a traditional take on the Kraid fight... But since he manages to break an arm free in the trailer, the fight might progress and get more deadly, as Kraid becomes more free.
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His neck brace will probably be the last to go, to show a sort of natural transition from the traditional style of Kraid fights, to a more modernized take and I am all FOR it! Everyone’s wondering if Ridley will return, but Kraid alone would MORE than make up for his absence, especially since Ridley is already so prevalent while Kraid has only gotten bread crumbs and the Brinstar Depths stage in recent years!
This is like a dream come true... And obviously Kraid is set up to fight Samus, but it’d be kind of neat to see an arc where him and Samus recognize a mutual enemy in the Chozo, and work with each other over it? Probably not, but I feel this would be more plausible than Samus and Ridley working together; A fun thought exercise I’d always entertained, but there really isn’t that personal vitriol between Samus and Kraid.
...I mean, there COULD be if Kraid takes Ridley’s death personally, but who knows, he might hold off on revenge just long enough for a practical escape! Regardless, I utterly adore just how gnarly and twisted this guy looks, it reminds me of Ridley’s Smash Ultimate renders that really modernize his look, breathe a new and alien life to it while still being the same! And the added, slimy body horror, borderline insectoid, like Smash Ridley!
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But yes, I appreciate Metroid Dread taking the opportunity to be new, instead of trying to cater to the mainstream audience as an official return to pull them back, especially since we already had Samus Returns do that, especially with Proteus Ridley being thrown in! And with how Proteus was by far the best Ridley fight in the series, I can’t WAIT to see how Mercury Steam gives a new action to a Kraid boss battle!
And it looks like there might be a passageway behind Kraid that he’s guarding... Kind of like his previous appearances, I love Kraid being a giant guard dog- His girth and weight alone makes him an impenetrable wall! Plus he gives immovable object vibes, VS Ridley as an Unstoppable Force.
Ridley moves fast and aggressively leads the charge, while Kraid is less mobile, can’t even fit through most passageways; But holds down the fort and line of defense, tanking damage and shrugging it off compared to someone who heals from it!
Seriously, this is great seeing this under appreciated Space Pirate represented! I’ve always been salty about Meta Kraid being left out of Metroid Prime... And Kraid’s got a distinct identity of his own as one of the biggest bosses in the entire series by a long shot!
His big, colossal, green and chunky frame, that brutishness to Kraid, the size and brawn- It’s a nice contrast and foil to Ridley’ who is memetically huge in general, but from a relative standpoint averagely-sized as a boss, and MUCH scrawnier than the Awakened Behemoth; But he makes up for it wit speed and agility, flight, etc.!
Plus the concept of taking on a full-on Kaiju of the series, Metroid’s Godzilla... I always felt like there was a wasted potential to Kraid and how he stood out as a counterpart to Ridley’ more of the lumbering mountain to scale compared to the acrobatic Cunning God of Death! His Kaiju size, the way the ground could easily tremble from each footstep like Jurassic Park...
If Ridley is a Xenomorph, make Kraid into Godzilla and Rexy and every giant monster whose sheer scale inspires a horror based in awe, one that is huge and grandiose and demands attention and seizes all of it, gloriously basking in full view, in contrast to the more stealthy and subtle Ridley!
They’re both reptilian Space Pirates who debuted with the franchise, serve Mother Brain alongside one another as the two guardians to Tourian. And just like Ridley taking one of the recurring boss themes from Super Metroid and adopting it as HIS theme, Kraid seems to have done the same by Zero Mission!
Plus, Brinstar Depths, AKA Kraid’s Lair, is SUCH a metal soundtrack! It doesn’t necessarily apply to Kraid himself, but I feel like there’s an enigmatic personality hinted with the eerie, melodic tune of this theme... So as someone who’s tried to write him, mostly in my head;
What kind of person is Kraid? What archetypes and roles would he fit? As a more casual type of arch-nemesis, compared to the personal intensity of Ridley? A dumb brute, or smart in his own way? What personality and vibes would make Kraid’s Lair fit as a theme for him?
At the very least, I wonder if we’ll get Space Pirate lore, maybe even origins as to Kraid and Ridley’s species? They’re both huge dragons who took over Zebes... Could there be a connection between Ridley’s species and the Chozo? Will we get a bit of sympathy for Kraid, seeing him captured like an animal by the Chozo, perhaps to test experiments upon and clone?
Will Dread encapsulate the realization of just how much of a bigger scope villain the True Chozo are, experimenting on Kraid the way the Galactic Federation did with Ridley’s clone, another parallel between them? Will we explore the dark past of the Chozo, and a potential tragic look into Kraid’s species- So Samus has a better understanding of how her people have been terrible in many ways, even if that doesn’t at all justify Kraid the person’s actions?
Just... Imagine a storyline where Samus realizes that Kraid was made by the Chozo, or his species was, or they were genetically augmented or massacred, or something like that. Just a twisted moment of realization that explains but doesn’t justify. Which could lead to Samus and Kraid teaming up for a prison breakout at a pivotal moment, Kraid’s girth would make him a helpful ally.
Perhaps Samus could weaponize Kraid in the background to take the brunt of the True Chozo’s attacks, while she takes on the leader? Could he help with environmental terrain, blind to the background as a colossal feature of the environment, a kaiju briefly on your side?
Could we get a Kraid fight where he attacks from the background, instead of to the right? Will he ultimately die helping Samus- More for his own gain and revenge, but still? Maybe even leading to a reluctant salute from Samus as she recognizes them both as people captured, as experimented upon by the Chozo? Apologies for all of the fanon conjecture, my mind is racing...!
I think there’s SO much potential with Kraid and seeing him full, unadulterated HD glory... It’s glorious. It’s magnificent! This is a dream come true, and I hope Kraid finally starts to get the recognition he deserves! Even if he’s just A boss fight, I’m already sated and content here- And I can only imagine the new wave of fan content that will spawn for Kraid, as he’s recognized a defining moment of Dread!
Plus, I’d love to see people characterize and give lore to Kraid... All in all I am LIVING and in triumph here!!! I know I keep using this meme but
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Literally this alone, just these shots... Are ALL I really want and need, in the end! Bless you Mercury Steam for this food, for breathing new life into this franchise while renovating what really needs it! I don’t even care if Kraid’s return is never really explained, I’m incredibly happy here!
This new design... It just FITS and works as a new, evergreen design for Kraid honestly! Compared to Ridley who is a lot more varied and arguably inconsistent, even with his Smash render... THIS is the new and definitive Kraid for me, now! I am having the time of my LIFE here!
Ridley the Cunning God has cheated death... is Kraid the Behemoth has reawakened!
(With the idea of Prime Kraid being reused for Metroid Prime 4... I’m wondering if we’ll begin to see an all new Kraid renaissance? 👀 More frequent content as Nintendo starts giving him and more appearances and attention, including in other media and advertising, alongside Ridley???)
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shatteredhourglass · 2 years
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☕️😂🤡😭
Do you drink anything when you write?
I am a horrible, terrible softdrink/cooldrink/soda addict. I've managed to switch to sugarfree but that doesn't change the fact that I drink an obscene amount of coke.
What’s the funniest comment someone has left on a fic of yours?
I have so many wonderful commenters that join me on every fic and my inbox is HUGE and full of comments so it's hard to pick a favourite, but this one got a laugh out of me:
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What’s the dumbest thing you’ve written?
it's fowl play, your honor is so dumb. so, so dumb. bucky is upset because clint has a massive pet turkey that he sleeps with. the conversation that spawned this fic (feat. @trashkingtater) was so goddamned funny and also i drew a very bad meme for it, apparently:
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Have you ever made yourself cry writing a fic?
Technically no, but when I killed Clint in finish this waste of a life (https://archiveofourown.org/works/35194822/chapters/87694312) I had to lie on my bed and contemplate life for an hour.
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kittyprincessofcats · 3 years
Text
She-Ra S5 E08 - Shot in the Dark
There might be spoilers for the rest of the season in this post!
I absolutely LOVE this episode, and at first, I couldn’t really put my finger on why I liked it that much. And then Noelle tweeted this:
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And yeah, that’s what it boils down to. This is the first *happy* Catra episode since... basically since “Once Upon a Time in the Waste” - and back then, the happiness didn’t last long.
(I also just think that story of AJ being so worried about Catra and Noelle reassuring her with every script is so adorable. I love to see how much they all care about these characters.)
Now let’s get into the episode!
- “Why does space hate me so much?” Yeah Glimmer, as I’ve said before, your powers don’t work in space because otherwise things would be way too easy and this show would be over way too quickly.
- “So, your plan is to, what? Ram through an armada of ships?” “No! ...Maybe!” 😂 I love Adora.
- The way Catra’s hands are shaking when she tells Adora they’re going to get caught... oh, baby 😢. And how Adora suddenly looks so worried... gosh, these two.
- Catra and Adora playfully arguing over whether or not Catra ‘defeated’ them in the past is so cute. I love this kind of ‘former enemies’ bickering and it’s why I was so glad they didn’t wait until the very end of the show to redeem Catra.
Bow: “Adora, Catra’s right.”
[Everyone’s eyes go wide.]
Bow: ... “That felt weird to say.”
😂 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Bring on all the ‘former enemies’ bickering, please!
- So, is this just because Wrong Hordak’s “brains were scrambled”, as Bow put it, or do all the clones randomly blurt out that Horde Prime has a weakness whenever they hear someone ask about it? I’m going to assume it’s the former. Also, the way he keeps blurting out more and then denying that Krytis exists is super funny.
- I like how they set Krytis up before with Catra having visions of it back in Taking Control - still pretty convenient that just hearing the name lets her make the connection, but I’ll take it. (Is it meant to be some lingering effect of being connected to the hivemind that she’s having visions of it again now, or is it just her remembering what she saw before?)
- I love the detail that Darla’s information on Krytis is locked and they need administrator clearance to access it. Shows again that the First Ones aren’t that different from Horde Prime - they were also ashamed of their failure to conquer Krytis and tried to hide the information on it.
- “In- In- In- Incorrect. It is located nowhere, because it does not exist, because Lord Prime destroyed it.” I honestly think this line should be a meme. When you want to hide something from someone (but you know it does exist), just quote that exact line (kind of like “There is no war in Ba Sing Se”). I once said it to my sisters when they asked about certain fanfics I wrote as a teenager. (“Nope, they are located nowhere, because they do not exist, because Lord Prime destroyed them.”)
- Changes in the opening: Micah, Spinnerella, Scorpia and Mermista are now standing mind-controlled around the Heart of Etheria in the villains’ shot. They’re also all missing from the final heroes’ card. In that final shot, Perfuma and Sea-Hawk both look sad now, and Netossa looks angry.
- Catra touching her neck when she sees the spire on Krytis... 😢. I’m here for the angst, but I also just need Catra to get lots of love and comfort after everything she’s been through.
- Can we talk about how absolutely ADORABLE her space suit is, though? Bow is absolutely right to coo over those ears. And when she tries to take it off with her foot? And Adora laughs about it? And Catra smiles when she sees her laugh? ❤️❤️❤️
- Wrong Hordak still denying that Krytis exists while currently being on Krytis is absolutely hilarious to me. It reminds me of flat-earthers or anti-vaxxers, or people who try to deny Covid exists (while others are currently dying from Covid) - not that any of those are funny, of course. I just mean that wrong Hordak nicely demonstrates how ridiculous they can sound.
- Catra calling out the Best Friend Squad on how dumb their plan is and then reacting with “Honestly, what did I expect?” is absolutely iconic. They really were missing her as the team’s braincell all along.
- Bow and Glimmer teasing Catra about her “first mission”, Catra grumbling that she’s going to kill Adora’s friends, Adora responding with a really calm “Please don’t” - everything about this is perfect. 🤣
- Also, small detail, but I love how Catra has a hard time walking in her spacesuit because she’s not used to wearing shoes.
- The remaining rebels looking around the destroyed camp is really sad. Frosta immediately trapping Castaspella in ice and checking her neck is great, though. That’s what they should have been doing all along. Why didn’t they also check Shadow Weaver’s neck, though? I know she’s intimidating and all, but there was no way of knowing if she’s chipped.
- “How did the rebellion lose so many of our finest members and yet we’re still stuck with you?” Castaspella’s asking the real questions! I like how literally no one in the rebellion likes Shadow Weaver. (Though honestly, I’m also glad she’s not chipped. Imagine how hard fighting a chipped Shadow Weaver would have been.)
- “But if you try anything, I won’t hesitate to strike you down.” Castaspella said ‘I won’t hesitate, b*tch!’
- Every single part of Wrong Hordak’s existential crisis (and Entrapta’s handling of it) is absolutely hilarious. I’m not going to quote all of it here, but pretty much every line of it is comedy gold. My favourite moment is probably “It seems Wrong Hordak has begun to question the meaning of life” (and everyone’s annoyed expressions at his crying) 😂😂. (On a more serious note, though: As much as it’s played for laughs, Wrong Hordak turning his entire worldview around in such a short amount of time is also pretty epic.)
- Catra just cutting through that door - damn, she’s strong! And I love Adora’s blush! (Yeah, the door was probably just an illusion, but my point still stands. She’s at least strong enough that it doesn’t seem completely weird that she'd be able to just cut through a door like that.)
- “You have an arrow that turns into a magnifying glass? I can’t believe we were losing to you guys.” 🤣🤣 Catra realizing the people she was fighting are actually idiots will never not be funny.
- It goes hand in hand with Bow realizing Catra is actually a cute kitty with an adorable sneeze. Good stuff. And the way her tail gets fluffy when she insists she’s not cute? D’awww. (Bow saying “The angrier you get, the cuter you are” reminded me of that scene in Steven Universe where Peridot loses her limb-enhances at the beginning of her redemption arc and Steven calls her cute and “an angry little slice of pie”.)
- Castaspella’s cape getting stuck in tree branches and the like is pretty funny, ngl. This is why Edna Mode said “No capes”.
- Shadow Weaver saying that her gifts are “far subtler” than mind-control is very fitting. Her thing is manipulation, after all. She doesn’t need to control people’s minds when she can just manipulate them and raise them in a way that’ll make them do what she wants. It’s scarier than mind-control in a way because it’s far more realistic. Mind-control doesn’t exist in real life, but manipulative parents (or just manipulative people) who will mess someone up emotionally? Very realistic.
- I like that you can tell that something’s off about Entrapta’s voice this time if you pay attention to it.
- “Seriously? How have you guys stayed alive this long?” Yup, the people you were fighting are idiots and you’re the braincell of the team now, Catra.
- I love the creepy music when Entrapta tells them it’s the first time they’ve talked since the last floor.
- Also, I love how Catra’s first instinct is to just launch herself at Melog, even though you could tell she was terrified just a moment earlier.
- I really like the moment where Glimmer realizes there’s magic on Krytis, especially since she doesn’t have her other powers right now.
- Melog bonds with Catra because they have the same sneeze ❤️❤️
- “Are you... are you petting the thing that’s been trying to kill us?” I love this whole moment 😹. I also love how Adora is so protective of Catra and immediately yells “Get away from her!” when Melog seems to get angry.
Catra: “I’m sorry. I got angry. It’s something I’m working on.”
Adora [with sparkling eyes]: “Aww, you are?”
Catra: “Yes! Now can you please...” [deep breath] “Yes. I am.”
I love everything about this. Catra genuinely working on her anger issues, Adora being so touched about it (remember back in Taking Control where she wished that Catra would ‘at least try’?), Catra having to hold back her anger because she realized Melog responds to emotions - perfect. ❤️😂👍
- Catra is so sweet when she calms Melog down. And the moment where they form their bond is really nice.
- So, can Catra understand Melog because of their bond, or because they’re both cats? I’m assuming it’s because of their bond?
- Melog’s backstory is really sad. But Adora offering to take them to Etheria is a really sweet scene.
- I like the parallel between the Best Friend Squad realizing that magic is Horde Prime’s weakness (and that the only planet he ever failed to conquer had wild magic) and Shadow Weaver telling Castaspella that the First Ones weakened Etheria’s magic and they have to set it free.
- “Stop me if I try to take the power for myself.” I’m not sure how I feel about that line. I like how SPOP has very much written Shadow Weaver as ambiguous so far. She’s not a good or nice person by any means, but is she at least on the side of the good guys and really trying to help now or is she still only after her own selfish goals? I very much did not want Shadow Weaver to get any sort of redemption or forgiveness, and I’ve always interpreted her as still being power-hungry. So, I have mixed feelings about this line. I like that it canonically acknowledges that Shadow Weaver is still tempted by power and might actually try to take the magic for herself, but asking Castaspella to stop her if she tries makes her look more selfless and like she’s taking precautions against it. (But then again, could Castaspella even stop her if she tried? I’m pretty sure Shadow Weaver is the stronger one of the two. So, you could still read this as Shadow Weaver being a master manipulator and only saying this so Castaspella will feel more inclined to trust her and go along with her plan - while knowing full-well that she could easily defeat Castaspella if it ever actually came down to it.)
Glimmer: “So, just to make sure I get it - We’re going to go running through a Horde blockade while relying on the magic of a creature we just met?”
Catra: “That about sums it up, yes.”
You know what this means - Catra’s a part of the Squad now!
- “Punch it, Darla!” I still love that the ship’s name is Darla. Also, all of their expressions when they fly through the blockade should be a “draw the squad” meme.
- Catra holding Adora’s hand and getting embarassed about it ❤️❤️ (while Adora is dumb and doesn’t even notice).
- I did not expect us to get a Glitra cheek kiss this season, but I’m not complaining! Also, Catra complaining while Glimmer and Bow are hugging her is such a cat thing; I love it.
- “We made it. We’re home.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is actually the first episode this season that ends on a happy / hopeful note and not on some kind of cliffhanger. And I really like that. This is where the “space arc” of season 5 offically comes to and end and I’m glad it has its own little happy ending. (And as much as I like the final episodes of the season, the space arc is still probably my favourite half of it.)
I love this episode, mainly because of what it means for Catra. She’s finally happy, she saved the day, she’s bonding with Bow and Glimmer and constantly flirting with Adora, and she has an amazing therapy cat now! I loved all the bickering between her and the others and how she’s starting to open up to them. Also, Wrong Hordak was absolutely hilarious in this episode and I commend Entrapta for having the patience to deal with his existential crisis. This was a really nice way to wrap the space arc up and bring the Squad back to Etheria.
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