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astaroth1357 · 3 years

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Hello!! Congratulations on your 1,500 followers!!! I was wondering if you could write hc's with the Demon brothers reacting or helping MC with daddy issues(if possible specifically the kinds with an absent father). If possible please make the female MC, but if you would prefer to make it Gender Natural than its awesome as well!! Thank you very much for your awesome work!!💖💖

A F!MC has an Absent Father (Mammon, Beel, Asmo, and Lucifer)

Okay, so this was a pretty tough request (part of the reason why I'm getting to it so late). Having an absent father can lead to a lot of different (very sensitive) issues for their daughters and I always want to try and be as respectful as possible while still producing accurate content… So instead of my usual 7 brothers format, I'll be shortening this to the brothers that I think could best handle the situation at hand. As always, I will try my best to be respectful to those who may be experiencing these struggles, but if anything I say comes across as harmful or triggering please let me know right away. I'll take down/edit the post if need be. Thank you.

Warnings: Absent Fathers, Eating Disorders, Body Image Problems, Depression, Abandonment, Divorce

Mammon

What kind of Dad wants nothing to do with his kids?? From Day One, Mammon just couldn't understand it...

Admittedly, he might have been a little biased. Ever since he watched his baby brothers grow up, he'd always had a little soft spot for anklebiters in general… They made for pretty sweet kids compared to their rude, spitfire-y current selves (even Satan had his moments). Mammon could see that same innocence in a lot of kids, human, angel, or demon.

So when the MC revealed to him that her own father walked out on her mother before she was born, he was just slightly (incredibly) outraged.

Though he'd like to believe the guy had his reasons for leaving, it just didn't sit right with him… Especially after getting to know the MC so well and seeing that she was such a great person!

Hadn't the guy been curious about her at all? Didn't he care?? What was stopping him now?? (You know, aside from being on a completely different plane of existence and all that. Like that would stop Marlin from finding Nemo… Yeah, he likes Pixar. What of it?)

Some people might have gone as far as to say that Mammon was waaay more upset about it than she was herself, which was nice but well… his heart was in the right place.

It was around the time when he offered to track the guy down, hogtie him, then leave him to drown in the 4th Circle that she had to take him aside and explain that, though she appreciated his anger on her behalf, she didn't need him to crusade for her…

She ultimately told him that if he really wanted to help, he could love her and be there for her. Words that he not only took it to heart, but he took very seriously.

She’d never had anyone be as reliable or faithful as Mammon was after that point. As far as he was concerned, he could be what her father never was for her: loving, caring, and present for no other reason than because he loved her!

You know, like you're supposed to be for the people you hold dear...

True, he didn’t always say the right things nor did he always manage to solve every problem for her when he tried to help but he never stopped trying to make her feel loved. He'd spend every Grimm he'd ever had if he had to. She deserved it.

Beelzebub

When you love someone, you usually want to get to know more about them. Things like their past… So it wasn’t unusual for Beel to ask the MC about her home back in the human world, especially after he shared his own past with Lilith and his brothers.

Unfortunately (or fortunately he'd suppose, depending on how you look at it), the intricacies of divorce were a little new to him... Sure, he knew what marriage was and that relationships can fail, but to be frank, he grew up in a very different sort of situation than that of humans.

He didn't even have a mother, much less and traditional father-son relationship. Lucifer filled in that spot for him like he had for everyone else and they left their father of their own accord...

But something about the way the MC talked about how her father left felt… upsetting. She seemed to use different sorts of tones when talking about the whole thing... At first, she spoke it with blank apathy, but then it changed to bitterness, then lastly… sadness. Like she was regretful about something that, for as far as he could tell, was completely out of her control…

He didn't want to pry into her past much more for that reason... Though he could tell something about it had hurt her, probably deeply, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable so he just waited for her to come to him instead...

And in time, she did.

And ever the patient listener, Beel let her get it all off her chest. He could tell that she felt a lot of different ways about it, and most of them weren’t positive, but he was never one to tell people how to feel about anything. Thinking back on it, he supposed that he’d feel pretty bad too if Lucifer just left the family one day, but even that wasn’t quite the same thing…

What he knew for certain was that it hurt him to see her so upset and, for once, he wasn’t really sure how to fix it… Can you even “fix” these things? Since he didn’t know the answers he just made a simple promise to himself in order to help make things better...

He probably couldn’t bring her father back, nor could he make his absence hurt any less, but he could be there for her instead. Not like a father, obviously, but as someone who could always love her whether or not she felt she needed it...

And from then on, he let his actions so the talking.

If she was upset and needed comfort, Beel was there. If she was feeling lonely or unloved, he’d be the first to notice and hold her close. Even if she tried to push him away to protect herself from any pain, he wouldn't just abandon her. He'd wait patiently for her to be ready to let him in.

He might not have known all the answers for her, but he wasn't going to let her feel all alone… He made sure of that.

Asmodeus

If he were telling the truth, Asmo was already pretty familiar with this sort of thing. Everybody has "Daddy Issues," himself included, and affects people in a lot of different ways in or outside the bedroom.

Which is why he found it particularly disheartening when he noticed some signs in his beloved MC…

The MC had once confided in him that her relationship with her father was… distant. Though he was physically in the family, she never felt like she could talk to him or get to know him… In a sense, he was never as involved in her life as he probably should have been.

That alone wasn't very uncommon for human families, or so he's heard, heck between his Heavenly-but-Distant Father and his Not-as-Distant-but-Always-Busy Brotherly Surrogate, he could even relate… but it was how she seemed to cope that concerned him…

Something about her self-esteem just wasn't where it needed to be…

Of course, Asmo's not one to get on a high horse and preach that looks don't actually mean anything (he's a demon, not a hypocrite) but there's a big difference between practicing self-love and falling victim to self-critique… There’s wanting to look your best because it brings you personal joy to do so, then there’s constantly worrying about rejection when you don't look so nice… He's seen it all before.

Truthfully, it was a painful cycle to witness… the eating and then the starving… the hours she’d spend in front of the mirror or her bitter tears after a "bad" selfie… It made his heart ache uncontrollably just to think about it…

So of course he intervened, he simply had to. Not only was it unhealthy for her but it could have brought his darling so much lasting pain in the long run...

When he finally spoke to the MC, he tried to be as gentle as he could while still expressing his concerns… He told her that he noticed the way she had been acting and that he was worried about her… He genuinely believed that she indeed deserved love with no strings attached. She didn’t need to “prove herself” worthy of it for him or any of his brothers because they would be there for her regardless of what she looked like.

It wasn’t a cure-all. obviously, but never thought it would be. It would take her time to learn how to express love for herself or feel secure that he wouldn’t just start ignoring her one day… but Asmo was nothing if not a caring and patient lover.

He tracked down places and people who could help her with her struggles and what they couldn’t offer he picked up on himself through perseverance, persistence, and a lot of research. He had his heart set on helping her and that was exactly what he planned to do.

Asmo wasn’t going to stop until she believed that she was honestly, genuinely loved... And that was a promise.

Lucifer

Lucifer picked up that there was something a little different about the human early on, even before he was ever told that her father passed away when she was young. She seemed… particularly fond of him.

He didn’t think much of it at first, but over time it started getting more and more apparent that she gravitated to him for one reason or another… She’d hover around him, bring him things while he worked, or act out like she wanted his attention (not completely unlike Satan or Belphie in that regard).

If he were being honest, it flattered him some, but the more he began to think about it the more… uncomfortable it made him for reasons he couldn’t quite place…

Eventually he gave in and had to run the problem by Barbatos just for a little clarity (he figured the butler could be discreet about it) and that’s when the connection between him and the MC’s deceased father finally came to light.

There was no real way to sugarcoat it other than to say that she seemed to think of him as… a surrogate Dad of sorts… Which didn’t exactly ease his concerns at all.

Though he was probably the most “fatherly” person in the House (having more or less become the unofficial father figure to his brothers for centuries), those were still his brothers. He had a large part in actually raising them. The MC was not only a human, but patently not his child. He truly had grown to love her over their time together but that was a very different kind of love…

Something about the situation rubbed him the wrong way… Would he be taking advantage of the MC’s past if he were to try and be with her like he wanted…? Sure, he may be demonic, but he’s not heartless. He only wanted what was best for her and he wasn’t quite sure that was him for once…

While he was still mulling over his feelings, the MC finally jumped the gun and asked him if they could start dating. He knew that it would hurt her (and him) if he said no but he also couldn’t pretend that there wasn’t a problem here…

So he compromised. He agreed to the relationship, but told her that he wanted to take things slow… He was open about his concerns that she may not love him for the reasons she thought she did, which wasn’t the most pleasant conversation to have but it seemed like the one she needed to hear.

It encouraged him that she didn’t appear to reject him outright when he brought it up, nor was she completely broken up about the pace he wanted to set for them, which was a good sign.

He offered to find her people to talk to about her concerns, particularly around her upbringing, at no cost to her. He thinks humans call them… therapists? Whatever they were, he didn’t doubt that they were better equipped to help than he was.

He tried his best to make it clear that he was only concerned because he loved her so deeply that he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t using her trauma for his own ends... She deserved better than that and he wasn’t afraid to tell her such.

It ended up being a slow process to love for them both, but he’d never regret putting the MC’s wellbeing first. No matter what.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #tw: absent fathers #tw: eating disorders #tw: body image #tw: depression #tw: abandonment #tw: divorce

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starrygalaxy04 · 3 years

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Songs That Remind Them of You (MLQC Headcannons)

Victor

Don't Go Breaking My Heart (Elton John)- Victor is a sucker for romantic-style music, and this song is no exception. He can't help but imagine dueting this song with you whenever it plays softly in the background while he's making your favorite caramel pudding.

Adore You (Harry Styles)- He would never admit it, but this man just wants to shower you in affection. His favorite moments are when he gets to hold you in his arms and he can just gaze at you with the insane amount of joy, admiration, love, and unfiltered affection that only you get to see. He's been searching for you for a very long time, and he's going to cherish every second of being with you.

Still the One (One Direction)- He would never admit he ever listens to this song because like hell is anyone going to find out that he listens to boy bands, but this song's lyrics strike all the right chords with him. He loves the message it sends because its the very message he will always reiterate to you when you feel like you're not enough or he could do better. Its you, its always been you.

Lucien

Dark Side (Kelly Clarkson)- This man has a hard time knowing that you love him and are blissfully unaware of the monster that lurks just below the surface. He often finds himself wondering if you would still love him if he were just Ares, or if you would leave after you found out all of the things he had done for the sake of progress. But every time you wrap your arms around him or smile at him, all those worries melt away because he feels true emotion when he looks at you.

Its Gonna Be Me (NSYNC)- He knows that anyone in this world can have you, and it would kill him if you chose anyone else besides him. So he wants to make absolutely sure that he will never even have to think about letting his beautiful butterfly go. He is forever yours, and you will be forever his, even if it takes an eternity for that to happen.

Line Without A Hook (Ricky Montgomery)- This song mainly applies after Lucien no longer remembers MC, because I feel like it accurately describes how he feels. He knows MC doesn't trust him and is purposefully being distant, but at the same time the feelings that the other him felt are slowly trickling in and before long he's wishing that he could fix whatever it was that was tearing MC up so bad inside. And he knows that as he is, he's no good for you. But that doesn't mean that he isn't going to ignore the voice of reason in his head like the other him did and try his hardest to be what he once was for you.

Kiro

Fight For This Love (Cheryl)- Kiro knows that with him being a huge pop idol that sometimes the pressure gets to you. And he wants you to know he is always there and will be there next to you to fight through the thick and thin. He always wants to be with his favorite person ever, and will do whatever it takes to make sure that you're okay and he can be there to experience everything life has to offer with you, and to assure you that you are worth it.

100% Pure Love (Crystal Waters)- True to the name of the song, everything that Kiro feels (well almost everything, if you get what I mean) comes from the purest parts of him. He always wants you to be the happiest you can, always making sure that you have a bright smile on your face. And he knows what you two have is something people could only dream of, and having you in his arms is the best thing that ever happened since he met you again at that convenience store.

Price Tag (Jessie J)- He knows that when you two are together, nothing else matters. He knows you're not with him just because he's Kiro the superstar, but because he's Kiro. The bubbly 22 year-old who has an affinity for sweets and puppies with an adventurous streak. And he knows that if you two are next to each other, you wouldn't need anything else to have a good time.

Gavin

Treasure (Bruno Mars)- Honey, you are the center of this man's universe. He had treasured you since the first day he laid eyes on you, and wanted nothing more than to be by your side. And now that he is, he is over the moon. He may not be able to shower you in lavish gifts like some of the others, but every single moment you two spend together more than makes up from it, whether its a picnic under the stars or a midnight flight.

What A Man Gotta Do (The Jonas Brothers)- This brings back some of his older memories, back from the high school days. He was so shy when it came to you, and he never even knew how to approach you the majority of the time. So he always watched from the distance, wondering what he could do to get you to notice him. The song allows him to reflect on those cringey memories with a smile, and let him enjoy the fact that you were his, even after all that had happened.

Loving You Tonight (Andrew Allen)- This man can't wait to come home and just lay in your arms, or have you lay in his arms. His favorite moments are the ones of pure domesticity, things he never saw between his mother and father when he was younger. It feels so pure and freeing, and just so right. He loves every moment of it, and wouldn't have it any other way.

Helios

Popular Monster (Falling in Reverse)- While Helios is indeed a person, Helios is somewhat of a character that Kiro is playing. Its the side of him that he can't show to the world. He has killed people to protect others, to protect you, and in that way, he's exactly as the title reads, a popular monster.

Therefore I Am (Billie Eilish)- As Helios, he knows that everything relies on technique and execution, so he has completely shut out emotional functions for the most part, except when he's around you. But because Kiro is such a good actor, its very hard to tell. He knows that he's that bitch, and is not afraid to prove it, being blunt about literally everything. But he also knows that you have the perseverance of a God, to the point that its stupid, but as you build the confidence that comes with the identity of your Evol, he sees you growing in a way that he could have never taught you as Kiro.

Cigarette Duet (Princess Chelsea)- Helios knows that he can't associate with you as much as when he was Kiro because Black Swan is a bitch, but one thing he always wants to make sure is that you haven't fallen down and devolved into bad habits. The one thing that didn't leave Helios was his ability to care specifically about you, and even thinking that you would get into a habit that would harm yourself makes his blood boil. So he always makes sure you've remained drug-free and that you see him just enough that it won't get him in trouble and can give you comfort.

Shaw

No Roots (Alice Merton)- Shaw's idea of you is something much like how Victor saw you in the beginning. Someone who thrust themselves into something way over their head and now had to deal with the consequences of it. The only reason he believed you was because he knew of things (the man has his ways) and decided to help you because he found you just interesting enough that he thought it might be fun. But he found himself envying the fact that you didn't have a past in this world, and that you were free to do whatever you pleased without a reputation preceding you. He didn't like the fact that it caused you pain, but thanks to his asshole of a father the idea sounded a little too good to him.

Sad Girl (Lana Del Rey)- Shaw often found you moping around at first, mourning the fact that you had lost everything. But in the end, he was the one who helped you get over it, getting you back to your normal self. He still catches glimpses of that depressed look in your eyes, and always makes sure to lighten up on the teasing when he does see it. He never got the chance to be a kid and grow up properly, so he couldn't fathom exactly how hard it was for you. But he still tried.

White Tee (CORPSE)- We all know Shaw would be more into the punk style, and his music taste is no exception. He likes listening to mostly emo style music, and dabbles into a little bit of everything when he feels like it. However, this song mixes together his anger at the world for giving him such a shit childhood and the fact that with you he feels like he can start fresh. Because even though everyone else falls into the same category with him, you were different, and he wanted to explore that kind of different.

#mlqc kiro #mlqc headcanon #mlqc shaw #love and producer #mr love victor #mlqc lucien #mlqc gavin #mlqc helios

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justindrewblaza · 2 years

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Displaced emotions. My salad mix of emotions

Emotions is something that is second nature, it is a part of everyone. its such a fascinating thing that we posses, but it is also very detrimental if not controlled or understood properly so proceed with caution and become self aware if you have not already. But emotions are complicated and complex, that's what I question about it and try to understand it and apply that to myself. What is it? why do we become angry, frustrated, jealous, and envious. why do we become sad or happy? I always used to answer that question with ‘Idk we just do its a part of us’. As the years pass as well as experiences I think I have a grasp of what emotions are to me and how complex it can be. it was something I was always afraid of showing but did anyways. just thinking all these years that crying or being sad was gay, pathetic, or weird. its hard. Emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioral or expressive response. We call this ‘feelings’ and it is what makes us human. The way we react to situations. growing up I had trouble with this and I still struggle at times but I move forward with confidence, perseverance, and understanding. It was very hard for me to understand my emotions and how to deal with certain emotions accordingly and appropriately in cooperation with life and people. I could not control it at all. I just felt like a shit that you were trying to hold in so bad because you wanted to shit at the comfort of your home. it sucks and you want to hold it in because if you shat that shit would be embarrassing but.... you couldn't hold it so you shit your pants and it is what it is. but I mean shit happens, literally. Just like my emotions i was so scared to show it but for some reason I could not hold it in. Growing up I was not taught how to voice my feelings or how to deal with being angry or sad. I did not know where to turn to so when I saw my friends i just let my emotions out. It was good to tell my friends how I am feeling but at the same time I was not aware of the fact that I also projected my emotions onto them. That was something that took me years to realize and have a better understanding on how to control it. when I became upset i would treat my friends the way I was feeling. when in was sad I would distance and disassociate myself. It was not fun. My friends thought I hated them, used them, and just simply did not want to be their friend anymore. but that was not the case. i had no concept of displaced emotions and being self aware. My friends did not do a thing to me to deserve my anger or distance. It is not right. Just because I am going through it does not mean the whole world has to and that was a tough pill to swallow. During such times I felt unheard and misunderstood. I felt I was judged differently and led to believe I was less of a person. But then again, your friends are there for you most definitely, but they are not going to solve my problems and the fact that I can not understand why I do these things. I have to take the time to gather myself and sit myself down and figure it out. ‘why do not understand this’ ‘why do I project onto people’ ‘ why do I not have complete control over this’ It took some time and challenges to answers those questions for myself. I did not understand my emotions because I did not take the time to dissect it and learn about it. I projected onto people because I felt unheard and misunderstood. I wanted the spoiled way out and grab any attention and sympathetic I could get. I don't have control over these emotions because I did not figure out ways to deal with these responses or get any help at all. i was prideful and cocky to myself and ended up cheating myself. By doing that I became over ambitious to the point where I became careless. I developed depression and became so confused and unmotivated to solve these problems myself to the point I wanted to kill myself. I lead myself down the wrong rabbit hole a ditch, a really long dark ditch that always got the best of me. It was a tough battle balancing myself, friends, relationships, and life. I was not aware that I was making my life difficult and unbearable. It was hard to believe that I let myself go through that but I did. It almost costed me a relationship and friendships. through recent experiences I come to realize that I could make my life easier and that's okay. It was okay for me to not care because as beautiful as the world and life is, in the end nobody gives a crap. that's the beauty of it though if you think about it. If you fuck up or are fucked up why sit and sulk? Learn to understand it and fix it. push twice as far as you were pushed back by this emotion or situation. Friends will always be there for you and they would love to see their friend happy and successful. beating the odds, getting through the toughest days with a smile and just laughing and loving life. When you choose to be aware of the fact that you deserve a better life everything will look and be twice as better as reaching for the comfort and security of being sad and staying at home and crying or being frustrated and punching walls. it is a tough thing to do but what helped me get better at become more self aware of my emptions is that you got to think to yourself that things will get better. I wouldn't want me friends to be stressing out and becoming sad because of my displaced emotions. friends will have such a harder time being in your life in that way, they become twice a beneficial and fun when you change your outlook on everything. Change the way you carry yourself. Care about how your emptions are effecting you and the world around you. Life is too short to be holding grudges or sulking and depressing on the what ifs and just go out there and do it. It took some time for me to get the hang of it but I feel I am dealing with my emotions and reactions a lot better than I was years ago. How to react and how long I should hold onto certain situations. I'm also choosing on what needs to be said to friends and what can I handle on my own first. It is a big stepping stone for me and I am honestly very very proud of the progress I have made and I just want everyone to know if my dumbass can do it and get through it you can too, so stop the self hate you sexy mfs

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varric-tethras-editor · 3 years

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Silvhen Mahariel OC Answers

I found this template by @justafewocprompts and decided to tell everyone about my Warden Silvhen Mahariel. It quickly got away from me and became.... quite long.

Please enjoy.

Character’s full name:

Silvhen Linise Mahariel

Reason or meaning of name:

Silvhen: sal’melin, given name, mean. Someone who thinks of others before herself, lit. “thought people, thought of people”

Linise: lenal’melin, Mother’s name, mean. Child of fire

Mahariel: lethal’melin, clan name

Character’s nickname:

“Silvhenan”

Reason for nickname:

Alistair Theirin thinks he is immensely cute and funny with his girlfriend. He learned that the Elvhen word for “heart” was vhenan and decided to get clever.

Birth date:

29 Kingsmere, 9:11 Dragon

Physical appearance:

Reference photos (will be eventually) provided

Age:

18 at the start of Fifth Blight

How old does he/she appear:

Representative of actual age, but is short and small.

Weight:

105

Height:

5’0

Body build:

Very small frame with surprising dense muscle in arms, abs, and thighs.

Shape of face:

Oval with petite chin

Eye color:

Forest green

Glasses or contacts:

N/a

Skin tone:

Porcelain with rosy, windswept cheeks

Distinguishing marks:

Mauve, brown twisting, vine-like vallaslin

Predominant features:

Petite, pointed ears

Hair color:

Light Wheat-Toned Blonde

Type of hair:

Fine but thick with silky texture

Hairstyle:

Short pixie cut

Voice:

Higher-pitched and chime-like.

Overall attractiveness: Decently attractive, but often overlooked. Figuratively, and literally. She’s small.

Physical disabilities:

Only has 7 toes. Lost three when she was 13 and on her (first) mission to move from apprentice to hunter. She claims this is the reason for her clumsiness but her companions have seen her slice through darkspawn too effectively to believe that excuse any longer.

Usual fashion of dress:

When exploring or wandering around she wears typical fennec leather or wolf leather leggings and cloth tunics cinched at the waist with belts; both for combat enhancement and because most clothes are too big. Foot wraps because she is a Good Dalish Girl.

Favorite outfit:

She wore a skirt for the first time this year when Leliana leant one to her for a tavern outing one night in Denerim. Despite knowing the vast impracticalities of skirts, Silvhen could not stop admiring how it twirled around her and she felt very pretty that night. (Especially when Alistair couldn’t keep his eyes off her legs and the blush off his cheeks.)

Jewelry or accessories:

Usually wearing various enhancing pendants and rings. Always wears a special silver ring that Morrigan found in a Denerim market and bought for her. Silvhen knows the importance of the gesture and never takes it off.

Personality

Very kind and selfless. Slow to anger and quick to compromise. Effervescent and clumsy. Loves to laugh and smile. She has a strong sense of community and prioritizes others, always.

Good personality traits:

Magnanimous, always sharing and giving to others. Very diplomatic even though it intimidates her to be a Grey Warden sometimes. Patient and quick to come up with solutions. Immensely friendly and welcoming to all people regardless of race, class, or background. Remembers absolutely everything about her friends (birthdays, preferences, favorite things, etc.) and loves being able to finally give gifts freely.

Bad personality traits:

Over-trusting, impulsive, bad at math and payment due to growing up with trading in her clan. She often gets taken advantage of by merchants if she is shopping alone. (Wynne has noticed this and usually tries to follow Silvhen around the markets to glare at any merchants who try any shady business.) She also likes to start a lot of projects/missions/quests and abandon them when she gets distracted. Oftentimes she is already looting the bodies before the fighting is over and her companions do not appreciate it. They usually overlook it, however, when Silvhen shares all the gold and goods that she finds.

Mood character is most often in:

Casual and agreeable.

Sense of humor:

Light sparkling laughs when others make jokes. Not loud or overly joking herself, but loves being entertained by her friends. (She thinks Zevran is the funniest of all her companions but would never admit that out loud to Alistair.)

Character’s greatest joy in life:

Meeting new people, from all walks of life. Especially all her new, interesting, and diverse companions!

Character’s greatest fear: Losing all her friends. And the Archdemon.

Why?

Her friends are the reason she perseveres and fights for a safe Fereldan and without them everything would be for nothing.

Have you seen that creature? It is huge and scary and Silvhen is very small.

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?

Well, she’s already lost her childhood best friend, had to forcibly become a Grey Warden, and learned that she is to be the saviour of all of Ferelden during the Fifth Blight so nothing else could probably really phase Silvhen at this point. Maybe if she woke up with nug arms it would be pretty difficult to use her daggers though…

Character is most at ease when:

Sitting around the campfire with her companions, drinking Oghren’s ale, listening to Leliana’s music and trying to hide her laughter when Morrigan and Zevran tease Alistair.

Most ill at ease when:

Having to deal with political leaders or nobles. She always remains kind but gets nervous about the consequences of her making a political or social gaffe.

Enraged when:

People belittle her and her race/culture or when people imply she cannot do something because she is an elf or a woman. This is the only time when her kindness slips, usually. All of her companions relish the moment that someone says a slur or offensive comment because they find it very entertaining to watch her tell off bigots.

Depressed or sad when:

She is alone. Being lonely makes her sad, but also she will usually only express her sadness when alone. She doesn’t want to risk making other people sad alongside her.

Priorities:

Beat up the Archdemon

Save Ferelden and her friends

Spend the rest of her life making Alistair Theirin know how loved he is

Life philosophy:

Be kind to everyone and everything. The world will repay what you provide, always.

If granted one wish, it would be: That she could travel with more than 3 of her companions at any given time.

Why?

She feels bad when her friends have to be left behind. She feels fortunate to see as many amazing places as she does and wishes she could always share that with ALL her companions!

Character’s soft spot:

Her companions.

Is this soft spot obvious to others?

Yes. She literally never shuts up about how much she adores her companions. She gets drunk in taverns after one mug of Ale and starts gushing to strangers about her love for her companions. Sometimes she doesn’t even need the mug of ale.

Greatest strength:

Her empathy and compassion.

Greatest vulnerability or weakness:

Her empathy and compassion.

Biggest regret:

Not being able to save Tamlen, and feeling like she gave up on him.

Minor regret:

Stealing her dad’s staff to “practice magic” in the forest when she was 6. She had never seen him scared before, and that was the night she learned about Templars.

Biggest accomplishment:

Becoming a Grey Warden and helping to save the people of Ferelden.

Minor accomplishment:

Winning the rock skipping contest at the last Arlathvhen. Of almost 200 Dalish contestants she bested everyone and won an ironbark dagger.

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about:

It took her two tries to eventually move from apprentice to hunter. She attempted the first time right after turning 13. She finally succeeded when she was 15 and had worked on developing her patience further.

Why?

She was very gifted, but impulsive when she was young. She felt she had much to prove since her father was a mage (the clan’s First under Marethari Talas) and she was not. She was eager to prove herself and instead was very hurt. She ended up losing three toes in the end, instead of her whole foot, but was very embarrassed and felt she let down her Father. She tells everyone that she lost her toe in the second hunting excursion and doesn’t tell anyone about her first attempt.

Character’s darkest secret:

Silvhen desperately wishes that she would have been born a mage, like her late father.

Does anyone else know?

Not anymore, but she thinks that she might eventually confide this in Alistair. Tamlen was the only person she had ever told.

Goals

Drives and motivations:

Making the world a better and kinder place. Keeping people safe and making them feel loved.

Immediate goals:

Gather allies. Slay the Archdemon. Save Ferelden from the Blight. Find a place that serves authentic Dalish Hot Pot Stew.

Long term goals:

One day, once Fereldan is safe, she would like to settle down with Alistair and spend her entire future loving him and being loved in return. She also wants to be a mother, but keeps this dream a lot closer to her chest.

How the character plans to accomplish these goals:

With the help and support of her companions!

How other characters will be affected:

There will be lots of bruises and scrapes. Some broken bones and many gauges. Scars will form, but so will friendships.

Past

Hometown:

Nomadic Dalish

Type of childhood:

Raised by members of the community as well as her single father. Her mother passed at child birth, due to poor maternal mortality rates among the Dalish.

Pets:

Silvhen was given a Halla by her father after she lost her toes to help aid in her recovery. She named her Atisha, meaning peace or calm as a reminder that impulsivity would not yield positive results. Atisha has become positively enamored with Morrigan, much to her displeasure. Silvhen likes to say it’s because Morrigan wears so many shiny baubles, and that attracts Atisha to her. Morrigan scoffs at this, but Silvhen has caught Morrigan shape shifting and calmly wandering the forests with Atisha when no one at camp was paying attention.

First memory:

Her father performing magic tricks for her as a child in their aravel.

Most important childhood memory:

Becoming friends with Tamlen. He had fallen down on the outskirts of camp and scraped his knee and was afraid to tell his mother that he had snuck out of camp. Silvhen brought him home to her father who healed his knee with magic.

Why:

Tamlen was her best friend for her entire childhood. They grew up alongside one another because Tamlen’s mother was neglectful and abusive. Silvhen realized later that her father, by healing Tamlen’s knee, had saved him from a rough punishment. Tamlen was the person she confided everything in. They spent all of their time together, shared jokes and tears. When Tamlen’s mother passed away when they were 12 he was essentially raised by Dianisamhal, Silvhen’s father for the years until Dianisamhal died.

Childhood hero:

Her father

Dream job:

Keeper (impossible and secret due to her not being a mage)

Education:

Homeschooled in a sense. Given the traditional Dalish education which consisted of more lessons in culture and lore, hunting, survival skills, and clan trades. Was mostly illiterate until becoming a Grey Warden. Alistair helps her learn words that are more difficult by reading posters around markets.

Religion:

Taught extensively about Dalish and Elvhen lore and gods. The Creators were prayed to and honored while growing up in her clan.

Finances:

Living in the clan they didn’t have much of a class system or difference in wealth versus their neighbors.

Present

Current location:

Wherever her travels have taken her today. Anywhere in Ferelden at any given moment.

Currently living with:

Her companions! They all share tents while travelling but she usually tries to share with Alistair most nights because she gets very cold and she likes how big and warm and safe his body feels.

Pets:

Her halla, Atisha, and her Mabari, Doghren.

Religion:

Believes in the Dalish gods casually and culturally. Not exceedingly devout but does believe.

Occupation:

Grey Warden

Finances:

She is not to be trusted with any of the parties finances. She does not understand how the Thedosian currency operates and is consistently overcharged and overpays. She is also too kind for her own good so she is constantly giving coin to strangers and beggars. (The only time she did not give coin to a person asking was when dealing with Goldana, Alistair’s horrid sister. Silvhen wanted to give that lady nothing more than a swift slap to the face.) The others no longer trust her judgement or knowledge in money and make sure she never has more than 2 gold on her at any given moment, for emergencies.

Family

Mother:

Linise Aralla Mahariel (mean. Child of fire. [Linise was born in the Denerim Alienage during a fire that encompassed many of the buildings.]) (mean.

Relationship with her:

Passed during childbirth. Her father does not talk about her mother incredibly often but she cherishes the stories and information she does have from both him and from old journals of her mothers who was a writer and poet.

Father:

Dianisamahl Eolaselan Mahariel (mean. Filled with laughter.) (mean. Knower, an agent of knowledge.)

Relationship with him:

Silvhen loves her father very much and had a wonderful relationship with him. Unfortunately he was killed by bandits attacking the clan. Silvhen was 16 when this happened and was devastated.

Siblings:

None, only child.

Relationship with them:

N/A

Spouse:

None

Relationship with him/her:

N/A

Children:

None

Relationship with them:

N/A

Other important family members:

Tamlen was always considered a sort of family member for Silvhen. He spent most nights with Silvhen and her father eating dinner together and playing.

Favorites

Color:

Green

Least favorite color:

Red

Music:

Anything Leliana plays is immediately Silvhen’s new favorite song. You can find her gently humming them for a few days afterwards, without fail.

Food:

Growing up Dalish she never had a terribly diverse cuisine. Now that she travels all over Ferelden she tries new things, but still typically prefers to eat stews, jerky, and vegetables. However, she has grown to appreciate hot, sweet rolls that some bakeries make.

Literature:

She was mostly illiterate in common until joining the Grey Wardens. She used to read her father’s Elvhen magic manuals though, and found them very interesting. She also loved listening to the clan’s hah’ren tell stories to the children and often joined in the tellings.

Form of entertainment:

Her friends are where she derives much of her entertainment. They are all so diverse, humorous, and interesting! She really enjoys observing and people watching, and asking questions about others.

Expressions:

She doesn’t have many common phrases that she uses. Mostly lots of laughter.

Mode of transportation:

Walking, mostly.

Most prized possession:

The rose that Alistair gave her, and the journal/sketchbooks of her parents.

Habits

Hobbies:

Now that she is learning to read common better she has been enjoying reading various books. She still struggles with adult novels but she found few advanced children’s tales in a Denerim bookshop and reads them in the morning when her companions are still asleep. She also enjoys taking walks around nature and finding various flowers and leaves to pick and press. She keeps a journal of all her favorite flowers she has come across while exploring.

Plays a musical instrument?

No. And she cannot sing well either.

Plays a sport?

No. But she does hunt.

How he/she would spend a rainy day:

The same as any other day? There are still things that need to get done and water doesn’t stop that!

Spending habits:

We know how Silvhen is about this and we love her anyway.

Smokes:

Silvhen and Tamlen definitely would sneak away in their adolescent years to smoke various versions of elfroot and deep mushroom once in a while. Occasionally while walking through the forests in Southern Ferelden she spots the best kinds and brings them back to camp where she and Zevran stay up late and giggle with one another around the campfire.

Drinks:

Occasionally she will have a drink or two socially with her friends but cannot consume much due to her being so small and such an infrequent drinker. She does enjoy making out with Alistair while drunk though, so he often has to watch her while they go out to taverns together to make sure she behaves herself.

Other drugs:

She has concocted a mixture of various root powders to help with either energy or calmness. She uses thee as needed and gives servings to her companions as well. Wynne and Morrigan keep asking her for the recipe but she won’t share it with them.

What does he/she do too much of?

Overthink her decisions.

What does he/she do too little of?

Indulge in things for herself.

Extremely skilled at:

Hunting and using every part of an animal. She is quick and efficient with her kills. Then she creates wonderful stews and jerkys from the meats, she uses the bones for glue and crafts and to make beads. She uses the hides for leathers and clothing or armors. All of her companions seem thoroughly impressed by this trait but Sten especially so. After watching her do this ritual from start to finish one afternoon he called her “kadan” for the first time. She has never forgotten that moment.

Extremely unskilled at:

Cooking, except for her smoked jerky she makes from her hunts, which her companions adore. The rest of the meat she must give to Sten and Wynne who prepare most of the meals at camp.

Nervous tics:

When she is uncertain or anxious, and her hair has gotten too long she twirls the tiny pieces around the edges of her neck. She usually cuts it short for this reason, as well as practicality.

Usual body posture:

She almost always stands very straight because she is short, and slouching wouldn’t do any favors.

Mannerisms:

Very casual and breezy among her friends or common folk. More timid around leaders or nobles.

Peculiarities:

Her accent is quite prominent and it sounds odd but endearing with her higher pitched voice.

Traits

Optimist or pessimist?

Optimist

Introvert or extrovert?

She gets her energy from being around people but isn’t always outwardly exuberant. She laughs along and joins in the conversation but isn’t the center of attention or the loudest in a room.

Daredevil or cautious?

As a child she was impulsive, but learned patience with age and practice.

Logical or emotional?

Logical

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?

Methodical and neat.

Prefers working or relaxing?

Working.

Confident or unsure of himself/herself?

Quietly confident. She is a little worried about how she will face the archdemon, but knows that she has friends and allies to help her.

Animal lover?

Yes

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself:

She is generally pleased with the person that she is, however she doesn’t feel as though she’s done anything truly “great” in her life so far to make her mark on the world. She’s eternally grateful to Duncan for not only saving her life but also for giving her the opportunity to achieve that greatness.

One word the character would use to describe self:

Considerate

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self:

A Dalish elf who travels with those she loves and tries to do the best for others. Loves the nature that surrounds us and the people that inhabit it. Wants to make the world a better place through kindness, compromise, and laughter.

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait?

Her patience

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait?

Naivety

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic?

Her smile and lips.

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic?

Her ears, but simply because she thinks they are too small. Other elvhen children used to tease her and call her a “shem” because her ears were smaller and less pointed, so to compensate when she turned of age she chose a very deliberate and bold Vallaslin to ensure that everyone she met would immediately know she was an elf.

How do the people in the character's life view him/her:

The literal most kind person they’re ever met. Alistair sometimes secretly believes she might be divinely blessed because he has never in his whole life met someone so kind and considerate and patient and Maker’s breath how did he get so lucky to be cared about by someone like her he’s no one special-- *Silvhen kisses him to shut him up*

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself:

She would like to have a better understanding of the world outside of life lived in a Dalish clan. She loved her upbringing but sometimes she feels overwhelmed and insecure as a result of things like money, politics, and street smarts.

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general:

She thinks people are the most beautiful things about the world. Growing up Dalish she loved the land but she’s always had a fascination with people. She finds other races and cultures interesting and enlightening and enjoys hearing tales from all over Thedas.

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others?

Not usually. She prefers to be sad while alone, however.

Person character most hates:

Goldana, Loghain, and (secretly) Isolde and Eamon. Basically, any human who has ever wronged Alistair.

Best friend(s):

Tamlen (childhood through start of blight)

Alistair, and Leliana now.

Love interest(s):

Alistair Theirin <3

Person character goes to for advice:

When she wants validation she goes to Leliana. When she wants tough love she goes to Wynne. When she wants to get the truth fast and dirty she goes to Zevran. (Or when it’s about sex she goes to Zevran.)

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of:

Herself. Her pets. Alistair, in an emotional sense.

Person character feels shy or awkward around:

Politicians and Nobles.

Person character openly admires:

Alistair, Alistair, and Alistair. Also, Leliana.

Person character secretly admires:

Wynne and Morrigan. Silvhen sees Wynne as a sort of Mother figure that she never quite had. Silvhen thinks Morrigan is the most fascinating human she has ever met but usually doesn’t bring this up because she knows Alistair doesn’t care for her and that her fascination would make Morrigan uncomfortable.

Most important person in character’s life before story starts:

Her Father and Tamlen.

After story starts:

Alistair, and all of her companions.

#silvhen #mahariel #dragon age #dragon age origins #dao #my ocs #oc prompts #oc answers #TELL ME WHAT U LUV ABT MY OC PLS SHE WANTS VALIDATION #silvhen mahariel

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mariamsayed20195585 · 3 years

Text

3- Artist Interview

Ramallah - Homeland - Starving

Introduction and definition (personal card): Able and glamorous make-up artist Janet Sabhi Karker Badar, 43 years old from Jerusalem (Born in 13/10/1972), married with three daughters, finished high school at Mar Mitri High School, Jerusalem, after which she learned several courses on various subjects: art, art, composition, etc. She's been living in Nazareth for four years.

I've worked in nursery for many years and I've also worked in beauty and beauty sales, and I've worked, and I'm still working, as a drawing teacher, where she teaches drawing and art courses for kids. L.L. is a capable, active and creative figurative artist who has held numerous art exhibitions in Nazareth City and other villages and countries, both locally and abroad. It has achieved a great deal of local, Arab and international fame and has written about it and covered its news, artistic activities and exhibitions of various kinds (newspapers and magazines on Internet sites, radio, television and space).

She is considered to be at the forefront of the country's figurative artists in terms of the artistic level and depth of creative experience and in her human and philosophical vision through her paintings and paintings, which are remarkable, distinctive and mystical and reflect many aspects of the reality of life, the mysteries of existence and the metaphysical dimensions.

Question 1) At the beginning of this meeting, we want to talk about the beginnings with the drawing. When did you start doing this beautiful hobby and how did you get into this?

I started from a very young generation as a child. And then I started working to develop and refine this talent until the generation of 22 years, where I became a well-known and professional art artist, and I also studied this subject at a number of art institutes to develop talent. And I love very much this area that got me into it, and I keep going on in it, and I put a lot of my time and my energy into it.

Question 2. Who first encouraged you and took your hand to develop this talent?

The first to encourage me, to take my hand and to support my mother and husband later, thanks to them and their support, I went on and on, despite all the circumstances and difficulties we face as local artists at all levels (because the local artist can not easily continue to give in the local Arab world) until she reaches her high profile and success.

Question 3: The difficulties and obstacles you faced at the beginning of your technical career?

The thing that limits the giving of an artist, especially a painter, is that society and people do not respond adequately to figurative art, as well as the kind of art school that plays a role in how well people accept and respond to works of art. I belong to an expressionist school that is radiant of philosophy and full of mystery and symbols, and of course not all people understand or rather taste this kind of art.

And the most important thing for me is that I deal with art as art and to serve purposeful and real art as a sacred message before I satisfy the tastes and mindsets of certain people or groups of society who tend to be easy, clear and superficial and do not bother to study and analyze paintings and to understand them properly, deeply in their meaning, objectives and metaphorics, which carry a message that is like me and dimensions. These were the most important obstacles and difficulties I have faced and continue to experience.

Question 5) You are now a renowned artist, known locally and abroad. How did you get so popular and so widespread?

I arrived thanks to my efforts, my fatigue, my faith in my message, my continued giving and my creative level. It happened that an artist from Jordan named Isaiah Awwal, President of Al Balqa - Jordan - held and participated in an exhibition of painted gold ants and painting courses, from which I was the starting point of fame and widespread dissemination.

I also set up numerous art exhibitions in-house through the Creative Society and other independent exhibitions, including a personal exhibition and a church exhibition. And then I took part in exhibitions of figurative art in France, Morocco, Amman, Irbid, Jordan, Nablus, Tel Aviv, and so on. There are art critics locally and abroad who have highly praised my works of art, paintings, paintings and level, and how colors are used, mixed and shaped.

Question 6) Every person who is successful and famous, regardless of their type of work and specialty, is increasingly in favour of paying a tax for the success he's reached, and you've achieved a very high profile. How are you and the envy and the decency and what is the tax of success that you have introduced?

For me, I am a loving and transparent human being, my heart is great, I am adept with faith, I love good, I don't care and I care about envy and decency... I consider envy as a stone on which I can step and pass and complete my path, my walk and my message. Every artist and every human being is successful, regardless of his field and type of success and his career. He will certainly grow in favour of him and find and be subjected to certain obstacles and obstacles, but the human being is the creator and believer in his gift, his creativity, his noble message and his great faith in the Creator.

There are several schools in figurative art, such as classical, eclectic, realistic, surreal and abstract. Blah, blah, blah, blah. What art schools do you belong to?

I belong to expressionist school or rather mix expressionism with abstraction.

Why?

Because I like to eress what's inside me and what I feel and feel. It's something spiritual and spiritual and I want to go out and tell myself about myself, and I find myself and my being in these figurative techniques that I mentioned. But I've already walked through all the formative schools, the most important of which is reality school. But I devoted all my artistic skills to expressionist school.

Is innate talent the key to creativity, or does talent need to be studied to refine and develop talent?

Talent is created with man and God telling him you're talented, and talent is very important, but a person has to develop it by studying theory and continuing to work and practice in this talent. The refinement and development of talent requires effort, time, perseverance, and talent without study, perseverance, and action.

Is everyone, no matter what his quality, his metal, his level of culture, and even if he doesn't have the innate, ornate talent for painting, he can become a figurative artist (painter) if he teaches this subject at institutes and universities?

It can be painted, but its giving remains limited, superficial, and does not reach the top of the agenda. It stays where it is because talent is the foundation. Without talent, man cannot be an artist. Talent is a seed and a gifted person must develop it to grow up and bear fruit like a tree or plant. Without the seed and the foundation, it's impossible for a person to become an artist.

Question 10) Is the element of faith so important in how much the artist gives, creations and shines?

A hundred percent say that faith is the element of success, and a phrase like fresh air, which an artist inhales, without it, is not artistic creativity, glamour and distinction. I can't believe, nor can I believe, that an artist and a creative human being have come to fame and succeed without faith. If he does achieve some fame, he will eventually fall and fall, or commit suicide, and there. They have literature and work on these and other subjects, but their end is depression, madness or suicide. The foundation for lasting, eternal and immortal success is faith in the Creator.

Is the appearance of an outsider a reflection of the psyche, the nature and quality of the art he presents and the subjects he brings through art, especially you are a beautiful, elegant, charming and ever-glamorous girl. Did your external appearance and your formal and spiritual beauty also influence your creative feathers and the beauty and charm of the paintings you paint?

First, spiritual inner beauty goes up and out and dominates and affects everything positively, which is the basis, and of course, external beauty has a sort of positive effect on the quality of art, but only slightly.

Question 12) Where do you understand the subjects of the paintings you paint... And how does the suggestion come?

I am a spiritual human being and I am inspired by the themes of the paintings that I draw from my deep belief in the Creator whose ability has been blurred. Art is a message to me above all things and a God-given talent that God has placed in us.

In my opinion: i really get inspired and motivated from Janet .This artist is an example for motivation . I really love her art work ,because they are powerful and they give me the strength and power . I hope to be like her in the feature.

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be-ca-lm · 4 years

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the apostate’s tulip

trying to outline the main points of my deconversion process so i can write about it more in depth in the future and what better way than a T.U.L.I.P.?

1. Total Misogyny - issues from a young age regarding: the inherent inferiority of women, the femaleness of god to create in ‘our own image,’ neither male/female but one in christ - yet prescribed gender roles expected to be followed and these roles not product of curse but created intentionally (help-meet in garden)...so god just likes dudes better and that doesn’t compute and then just all of purity culture. all of it.

2. Unconditional Acceptance - if i had born in any other religion i would accept it as truth just as much because my experience accepting this religion has proved such, and they all claim to have the right way to the exclusion of the others. i’m expected to accept wild claims with no proof and arbitrary rules - miracles happened to prove god is real, oh no they don’t happen today, we just have to believe.

3. Limited Accountability - the holy spirit conviction versus the heart is deceitful above all things - what is me and what is the spirit? no way of knowing. basis of much spiritual abuse, nonsense, extrabiblical teaching, and manipulation of vulnerable members. i am taught not to trust myself, but at the same time to be guided by the spirit who will convict me of sin, sanctify me, lead me?? where does my human/sinful intuition end and holy spirit begin? other people discerning god’s will for MY life with no evidence to back it up? no one can hold you accountable if you are ‘acting within god’s will’ and hearing from him/being led by him. also “people failed you god didn’t” circumvents any accountability for the egregious actions of pastors/leaders/mentors, you cannot blame them for pushing you away from faith because tHEy ARe HuMAn, everyone held to impossible standards but the belief system cannot be held to its own standards.

4. Insincerity of the Saints - faith/belief based on feelings no matter how much they claim it’s not - i choose to believe, ok now i choose not to (there was no difference internally, nothing perceptible, no indications that i changed). the “evidence” of christians being loving/good/transformed is no different than morally good nonbelievers. my life does not look different when i simply remove the label of ‘christian’ from it - i still want to be a good person and treat others well. promises of joy, peace, comfort, etc - never felt. Accepted and praised by spiritual leaders when I faked these feelings to seem spiritually mature. Continued this ruse through adulthood in hopes one day it would “click” and become real and not produced by my mind. Despairing feeling of - if i can do this, anyone around me could also be doing this. Also, church goers just as bad as nonbelievers - backstab, gossip, lie, judge - only difference is they sing songs and say they feel bad about it on sunday then go back to it monday. false sense of superiority when really no different than anyone else, just with more rules to follow. rules give a sense of being right, having the right answer, in a hard world this is comforting. people held to different standards than our models given in the bible (church discipline for premarital sex and affairs, but david, solomon, joseph, esther, etc), “people failed you god didn’t,” if you walk away your experience in the faith automatically gets invalidated “you were never really saved” = your faith was insincere. my concerns are dismissed immediately. “you will come back around. i’m not even worried about this. you know what is right and you’ll come back to it eventually.” at least i’m considered not worth witnessing to.

5. Perseverance of the Guilty - it is all a bait and switch. it is not works, it’s faith - but works prove you have faith, so no works = no faith. they become indistinguishable. struggling with having faith? work. do good. serve. evangelize. work now, the feelings will come. duty and obedience first, love and joy will follow. eventually. one day. faith, not feelings. you don’t need to “feel” good to know god is real and there. but you should be experiencing the things he promises you will in scripture, so the issue must be with you. go on the mission field - if i can’t feel god’s love, the least i can do is help others to feel it. motivated by guilt. I never feel I am enough. It is hard to believe that the same being who tells me i’m depraved and worthless also loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. so i stay in shame and pretend i am free. because i am supposed to be free indeed. my shame kills my spirit. depression and anxiety are not fruits of the spirit, this causes more shame, the cycle continues. i am ashamed of my sexual nature, ashamed that i question my inferior role as a woman, ashamed that my brothers and sisters utter unspeakably cruel things about the poor, immigrants, and people who disagree with their politics. i keep trying to reconcile my love for helping people with my motivation of guilt - which is which? even doubts are sin. so asking questions begets more shame.

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ariesthevirgin · 3 years

Text

Acceptance

I need to stop forcing myself to be something I am not. Today marks the first day where I am not in COMPLETE denial. I am okay with acknowledging that I may not be as good in International Relations as I hoped to be. Now that I think about it, “being good” isn’t even the problem. The problem is that I do not hope to pursue a career in International Relations, a degree I worked five years on in hopes of landing me my “dream job”. Actually, after spending so much of my early twenties forcing myself to become an expert in International Relations, I’m struggling to find my true identity. My life has been riddled with the aesthetics of my education as opposed to chasing what my honest heart truly desired. Now that I’ve accepted this fact about myself, I hope my journey to self-determination becomes easier. It explains why papers and in-class discussions never came easy to me. I worked my ass off to achieve good grades, but in the grand scheme of things, it was just for grades - it did not really benefit me in any other way (other than maybe having an edge in political discussions... or trivia). My interests for International Relations partially stems from the hope to be viewed as an intellect. To prove to everyone (family, friends, coworkers) that I could accomplish a university degree in a complex subject where I was somewhat interested into the topics. But is there passion? Is there a drive to throw myself into the depths of international politics, economics and history? On my free time, I do not delve into current events and listen in on world news podcasts. I confess, I am currently working as a sales associate for a fashion brand that I’ve admired since I was young and I am ACTUALLY enjoying what I do. It’s the first time I’ve felt that my skills truly matched a profession and even though I cannot fully accept this minimum wage job as a university grad, it makes me happy. Yes, I don’t want to work in retail forever but it’s the first step into a different direction (slightly more creative that political science perhaps). I need to tell myself that IT’S OKAY. I work with high school graduates and IT’S OKAY. I don’t earn as much as my friends who have full-time positions in laboratories, hospitals, and companies and IT’S OKAY. I have days where I feel incompetent and a failure and IT’S OKAY. You know why it’s okay? Because I know that this isn’t forever and there’s something greater for me. I want to believe in myself and to persevere in order to achieve a goal - it’s been awhile since I’ve had a sense of purpose. But it’s okay to be lost as long as you keep looking. My happiness derives from positive social interactions and my ability to create meaningful relationships with different types of people. I hope to take myself abroad and to gain experience through new opportunities. Maybe that’s why I chose International Relations. I needed context for the places I hope to visit/live. I want to be educated on topics such as colonialism, economic relations, and sociology so I am not ignorant towards foreign cultures and people. My degree was not an error, it was a stepping stone for what I want to do next. I realized that it is okay to change direction (however to actually change that direction is another story...). It is okay to admit that others are better than you. It is okay to not stay in academia. It is okay to be the least academic in your group. My abilities are unique and it makes me different, not worse-off. The post-grad depression hit me hard a few months ago, still is if I’m being honest. But I want that to change. And I can be the only one to change my life story. I can no longer base my success on how I do in relative to those around me. They do not write my story, I do. And it is time to get out of my slump and to brainstorm my next course of action. The first step is denial but I am now on the second step - acceptance. For those who feel the same way, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together and we’ll get out of this together. Keep on making mistakes as long as you keep on trying. Sending positive vibes and lots of love <3

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 3 years

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The Last Word: Shirley Manson on Fighting the Patriarchy and How Patti Smith Inspires Her

The Garbage singer also talks racial justice, living for now, and why legacy is an inherently masculine concern

Almost as soon as Garbage’s self-titled debut blew up overnight in 1995, their singer, Shirley Manson, became aware of the patriarchy running the music industry. Even though she was the group’s focal point — belting dusky electro-rock songs about making sense of depression (“Only Happy When It Rains”) and taking pride in nonconformity (“Queer”) — she was still a woman fronting a band of men, one of whom, Butch Vig, had produced Nirvana’s Nevermind. Almost immediately, she felt as though her role in the group was being devalued — not by the guys she worked with, but externally.

“There was a lot of stuff written about me in the music press, and that’s when I started to realize how I’m being diminished, how, in some cases, I’m being completely eradicated from the narrative because I’m female and not a man,” she says now. “I was talked over by lawyers; I was ignored by managers. The list goes on. It’s boring and tedious; there’s no point in me moaning about it now, but certainly, that was my awakening.”

That revelation emboldened her to speak out about equality and she quickly became a feminist icon, using her platform to bring attention to human rights, mental health, and the AIDS crisis. All the while, she wrote inclusive hit songs with Garbage about androgyny and reproductive rights (“Sex Is Not the Enemy”). On Garbage’s great new album, No Gods No Masters, she grapples with racial injustice, climate change, the patriarchy, and her own self-worth. But as weighty as the subject matter is, she approaches each song in her own uniquely uplifting way.

“I don’t think really the record is serious, per se,” the singer, 54, says, on an early May phone call. “I think it’s an indignant record. I think in indignance you can still carry humor with you, as well as softness, kindness, and love in your heart. I just felt it would be inauthentic to say anything other than what I was saying in my daily life across the dinner table from my friends and my family. I think as you get older as an artist, the challenge is, ‘How I can be my most authentic self?’ because that’s the most unique story I can tell. In an industry that’s just absolutely jam-packed to the rafters with ideas, opinions, melodies, and so on, you can’t afford to be anything other than your most authentic self. It won’t last.”

Authenticity and being true to herself are the qualities that have made Manson who she is. And those traits seem to guide her answers to Rolling Stone’s questions about philosophy, life lessons, and creature comforts for our Last Word interview.

What are the most important rules that you live by? I’m 54, which is ancient for the contemporary music industry. At this point, I feel like if it’s not fun, then I’m uninterested entirely. If somebody’s treating me poorly, I have to walk away. Life is so fricking short, and I’m three quarters of the way through mine already; I just want to have a good life, full of joy.

Who are your heroes and why? Patti Smith is a huge hero for me for a lot of different reasons. Most importantly, it’s because she’s a woman who has navigated her creative life so beautifully and so artfully, with such integrity and authenticity, and she has proven to me that a woman, an artist, does not have to subscribe to the rules of the contemporary music industry.

It’s very rare for other women to see examples of women actually working still in their seventies. That, to me, is really thrilling and really inspiring, and it fills me with hope. At times when you come up against the ageism, sexism, and misogyny that exists in our culture, I always try and picture Patti in my mind’s eye, and it always brings me back to center, like, “OK, adhere to your own rules. Design your own life. Be your own architect. You can continue to be an artist the rest of your life.” And to me, that’s life. That is a fully lived life.

You’re also a role model yourself. How do you handle that responsibility? I’m a bit speechless if the truth be told. I realize that I’ve now enjoyed a long career in music, and by default, I think people are inspired by that. I think whenever you see an artist, no matter who they are, when someone can endure, I think that’s exciting to everybody else, because it’s a message that says, “You too can get up when you think you’re done. You too can brush yourself off and try again.” By just continuing, you can help other people continue and fulfill themselves in ways that they thought they wouldn’t be able to.

I try to be a decent person. I make mistakes. I fuck people off. I say stupid shit. I’m not all-knowing; I am ignorant in so many ways. But I do try my best. I think that’s really all I can ask of myself.

How others perceive me is absolutely out of my control. There’s always going to be people who think I’m an arsehole, and that’s just part and parcel of being in the public eye. People are just going to hate on you, so I try not to take too much of it in; I don’t let it absorb me too much. I have gotten to that point in my life when I’m able to just go, “You know what? Fuck it. You can’t win them all.”

You once said that the idea of legacy was a masculine construct that you don’t believe in. Do you still feel that way? Yeah. I still very much believe in that. I know a lot of male artists who bang on about their legacy and their importance. Not to knock that if that’s what’s important to you but for me personally, what do I care? I’m going to be dead and gone and totally unconscious of any so-called legacy that I might leave behind. I want fun now. I want to have a good life now. I want to eat good food now and have great sex. It’s absolutely meaningless to me what happens after I’m gone. I want to use my time wisely, and that’s all that I really am concerned with, to be honest.

What is it about legacy that’s inherently masculine? This is armchair psychology, so please forgive me, but I’m sure it has something to do with how women have this uterus that can bear children. I think that’s profound. One of the few gifts that men have not been given is that ability to create with your body, and your blood, and your heat and all these nutrients from your body. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why you don’t hear as many women banging on about the great legacy they’re going to leave behind. I think for women it’s their kids.

You’re Scottish. What is the most Scottish thing about you these days? I’ve got a lot of grit, and it’s served me really well in my career. I think that is a really Scottish trait. The Scottish people are tough, and they also have a good sense of humor. So, grit with humor. I should say “gritted with humor,” in the same way we grit roads.

As you were saying “grit,” it occurred to me that a lot of your songs are about survival and moving forward, going back to “Stupid Girl” or “Only Happy When It Rains.” They’re about perseverance. [Pauses] I think it’s funny you should say that because I’m just sort of like, “Wow, he might be right.” I do think that a huge theme for me is, “How do you overcome? How do we all overcome?” Things can be great for a while; things will not be great forever. And to every single life, these challenges appear. We all have to reconfigure ourselves in order to try to hurl ourselves over obstacles in order to have the kind of life we hope for. So I do think you’ve shocked me a little by discovering a theme for me. Yay, I feel thrilled. I have a theme. It’s exciting.

“Waiting for God” is one of my favorite songs on the album because of the way you address racial justice. How can we, as a society, fight white indifference? You know, that’s a question right there. It’s interesting that you use the words “white indifference,” because one of the things that shocked me so greatly is the ambivalence and the apathy of white people all over the world who are seeing what we’re seeing on our TVs and on the internet, and yet not having the moral courage to speak up. I think the most important thing we can do is pull back the carpet to see the mess on the floor in order for us to actually start cleaning it up.

If we could curtail some of the brutality of police against black people, that would be a good start. I think it’s going to be decades and decades and decades before we can start to really equalize our societies so that everyone is enjoying the spoils of Western wealth over in the developing world. It’s necessary that we try and help these countries that aren’t as powerful or as wealthy. It’s good for the whole world if we start to improve situations for everyone. Nobody will lose anything, and everyone has everything to gain.

But if I had the answers to how we go about fixing it, I would be in politics and not in music. I just know what I believe to be right, and I’m doing my best to use my voice to try and encourage my friends, my little ecosystem, to start with paying attention and supporting black businesses and elevating black voices and black talent.

What’s your favorite book? I have so many. The one that springs to mind would be American Pastoral by Philip Roth. I loved All the Pretty Horses by Cormac McCarthy. I loved The Collected Works of Billy the Kid by Michael Ondaatje. I loved Winnie the Pooh and Wuthering Heights. I’ve got so many that have really stuck with me that are classics.

My most favorite recent book that I’ve just finished reading is Dancer by Colum McCann about [Russian ballet dancer Rudolf] Nureyev. I was just absolutely mesmerized by it. It was just such a fantastic read, and he’s such a miraculous writer. He brought out Apeirogon last year about the struggle in between Palestine and Israel. He talks about this complicated mess with such clarity, kindness, and generosity. I couldn’t believe Apeirogon didn’t get more fuss made of it last year. Somehow it just seemed to get buried in the morass of other books, and of course the suffering that Covid had brought upon the earth.

What advice do you wish you could give your younger self? “Take up your space.” When I was growing up, to be a girl was to be told to minimize the space you took up: “Close your legs. Don’t be loud. Smile. Be cute. Be attractive. Be pleasing.” I inherently balked against that as a kid. I was a rebellious kid, and I wasn’t going to sit in the corner and be quiet. I’ve never been like that. However, looking back, I still notice some of the patterns of my own compliance. It’s not that I hate myself for it, but I just wish I could turn around and say to my young self, “Take your seat. If there’s not a seat there, drag a seat up to the table and sit down.”

I’m still really aware of the sexism and misogyny that I have had to battle throughout my career. I’m not crying, “Woe is me,” because I’ve obviously flourished in my career, and it obviously didn’t hold me back enough to hamper me in any way. But I feel for all the women who were unlike me, who didn’t have my forcefulness of personality, or my education, or my ability to articulate myself. I want that for all people, though; I want all people to stop trying to please, and accept that some people will like that, and some people won’t, and that’s OK. It’s OK that some people just don’t dig you.

On the topic of gender, I got a kick out of your song “Godhead,” where you ask if people would treat you differently “if I had a dick.” I’m really proud of that song, because I think it’s talking about something really serious, and it’s really fun. It’s about addressing the patriarchy, and how omnipresent it is. When I was young, I was so busy trying to make it, I didn’t see that there was a patriarchy in place. And it’s only as an adult, I start looking back going, “Oh, wow — when that A&R man told me to my face that he wanked over pictures of me, that was really uncool.” But at the time, you kind of laugh it off and just press on.

I was oblivious to it. In this song, I’m talking about how patriarchy bleeds into absolutely everything, specifically under organized religion. The “Godhead” is the male, and we are all under the godhead forever, and that’s unquestioned, and how crazy is that? Because a dude holds a higher position in society, because he’s got a dick and a pair of balls. Often, these balls are smaller than my own [laughs].

It just gets silly after a while, when you watch other men protect other men just for the sake of protecting the patriarchy. So few men are willing to speak up about bro culture and call into question the behavior of the men they are associated with. There’s just a reluctance by men to address this absolutely shocking, terrifying, depressing, pathetic assault by men of other people’s bodies.

In 1996, your bandmate Butch Vig said about you, “So many singers screamed to convey intensity, and she does the opposite. It just blew us away.” How did you come up with that approach? I don’t know. I’ve found that when people speak to me quietly, I feel the most threatened because I’m really comfortable with conflict. I thrive on conflict. It excites me in a funny way. When people are shouting, I don’t feel scared. I like to shout back; that’s just how my family were. We’d just start to shout at each other all the time. I’m not scared of elevated temper. For me, when people get really quiet, that’s when I know they’re really serious, because they’re in control of their rage, and that’s when they’re most deadly.

The last question I have is a shallow one. I love being cheap and superficial.

What’s the most indulgent purchase you’ve ever made? At the height of my success, I hired a person who would shop for me and then send everything in a big box to my hotel room. I would choose what I wanted and return anything else. One day, this beautiful pair of Italian leather boots arrived. I wore a pair very similar in the “Stupid Girl” video, and I thought, “Oh, yeah, these are really me. I’m going to keep these. These are amazing.” It was only when I got back from tour, I found out they cost $5,000. I can’t even laugh about it. It makes me so crazy. I still have these boots. I’d like to get rid of them just so that I never have to look at them again, but there they are every day, warning me of my own greed.

#shirley manson #garbage #2021 interviews

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yubathegnome · 4 years

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shakespearean au: sge concept

warning - this is long and contains otk spoilers (and macbeth spoilers lol). no i do not offer refunds for time wasted. but if u don’t read this, i will find u because my fatigue is fuelling me w anger :)

11:00 pm: ok so I was casually floating in a bowl of water (segue- what is the point of baths? you can literally do the same things in ur bed but dry...) thinking about how great a shakespearean au would be... yes, I hate Shakespeare’s pretentious ass and if I have to read Romeo and Juliet one more time, I might obliterate my existence. however, imagine the drama of a midsummer nights dream au- immaculate fairy hallucinogenic woods vibes w the magic of fairies that could be linked to sge, just everyone going insane bacchanal in the woods. sadly there are more characters in this play than unnecessary first years in TCY so I decided to try twelfth night instead.

12:30 am: ok, I have tried every combination of characters possible for twelfth night (just imagine - agatha in the position of duke orsino and tedros in the position of viola, ah the angsty friends to lovers, the jealousy arc potential, misunderstood love ahh) but I always ended up w an agaphie... incident (sweet home alabama)

2:00 am: tried hamlet, taming of the shrew and king lear (plot is way to depressing)... becoming delusional

2:30 am: I WON’T GIVE UP UNTIL SHAKESPEARE IS AT MY KNEES, HERE I PRESENT U ... MACBETH

macbeth au

if u don’t know the plot... uncultured. jk i blame the british education system for my knowledge of this play but here’s a plot summary

let’s pretend scotland is camelot? yeah, just do it.

also: “Fair is foul, and foul is fair, hover through fog and filthy air.” (aka the only quote i can lowkey remember from year 9 for an absolute trash equivocation essay i waffled)

oh and also “what, you egg?” (he stabs him) - do i even have to explain the amazing significance of this quote? pls keep reading, i’m not insane.

character list:

macbeth - rhian

ok confession - i love rhian, 100% didn’t deserve to die so here he can be the tragic protagonist

outshone tedros in QFG (not that hard tbh) and gave us a glimpse of never!tedros’ potential character similarities - corrupted by evil, assuming that there r good intentions in evil people, kinda power hungry, thinks he deserves a position he really doesn’t, tricked by a prophecy

he’s a simp for sophie lets be honest (soz keian shippers) so the choice for lady macbeth should be...

lady macbeth - sophie

ok, just imagine, no morals/manipulative sophie slowly going insane and having power over powerful men- my fave trope of her wanting to kill rafal/king duncan but unable to pull through last minute because of her daddy issues... yes <3

slowly going insane cus she can’t balance her evilness and her humanity

the hand washing scene...

“Look like the innocent flower, But be the serpent under it.”

the guards that are killed by lady macbeth and macbeth - nicola and hort

they were a cute duo when they investigate in QFG and that’s abt it, hence the short roles

the dagger - excalibur

cursed swords check

3 witches - mistral sisters

bruh this is perfect, i don’t have to explain, this is all slotting into place

king duncan - ... yoooo, does it really matter, just the previous king of Camelot. wait maybe that Uther guy. whatever.

banquo - chaddick

im tired, ur just gonna have to pretend that tedros is king arthur’s grandson and yes, chaddick’s son

i shall allow chaddick to have an actual role where he is a humble, loyal knight who isn’t just conveniently used to fulfil some random prophecy... oh wait poor guy was wronged so bad in TCY- ok ik he dies in macbeth too but like he has a bigger role here than in the 6 sge books. chaddick/ banquo are good plot devices that only exist so the prophecy makes sense, bingo!

macduff - tedros

c-section king

he just would be that character with the unique and coincidental part of his past that allows him to be king

young and underestimated check

daddy issues and family trauma

kinda doesn’t deserve to be king but uno what, ~prophecies~

(just forget abt malcolm’s existence, i have the power now)

the king of england - agatha

agatha as king... we love to see it yes this is my way of incorporating tagatha just pretend macduff falls in love with the king of england ok. agatha breaks the news that tedros’ dad has just died- cute comforting scene

scottish macduff realises the english are ok just like tedros realises agatha isn’t a witch... idk someone write a oneshot

3:30 am:

me: let’s fix all my mistakes w some aesthetic mood board ideas.

*types in “macbeth aesthetic” into pinterest* *chooses the first 3 images*

this is very much adequate

4:00 am; do what you will with this information, people of the internet. this doesn’t even make sense at this point. can’t wait for the black coffee overdose my body will endure tomorrow :) also i love how the sleep deprivation slowly makes my tone more aggressive. im a simp for tagatha but rhian being the main character makes me happy. how do y’all make ur theories and stuff all pretty. WAIT NO COVEN! wait no hester oml... ok maybe the 3 witches might have to be the coven, wow, i can’t believe i’ve done this.

ok imagine them all running around in a circle chanting “Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble!” - iconic

ok, they can be the king of england’s attendants.

4:15 am: haha just brushed my teeth... why is this so chaotic. i cant get myself to proof read this because then i have to acknowledge how much time i have acc wasted so pls be traumatised by this chronic brain puke. will i ever write this fic... probably not but miracles happen. good night girls and gays - sweet dreams :) probs will regret this in the morning... oh how i worship the anonymity of tumblr

ps - currently writing a hate essay on hort which i might never release on fear of assasination by 12 year olds... we love to see it

pps - if u made it this far, idk what to tell u, u have perseverance. or maybe u just can’t read. how do i end these things and why am i treating this like a dear diary blog. goodbye. oh yeah, can some sge accounts maybe like... idk... interact w me uwu. i will go insane if i have to play devil’s advocate w myself any longer... GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

#school for good and evil #the school for good and evil #tagatha #macbeth #sophie of woods beyond #i am insane #no i do not have braincells

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doomedandstoned · 3 years

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Doors To No Where Drop Rowdy Grunge-Punk-Desert Spinner ‘Darkness Falls’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Review by Billy Goate

Before us is the latest record from Santa Cruz heavies DOORS TO NO WHERE, a band new to these pages but which has played alongside many of our favorite West Coast acts, including KooK, Worship, and Year of the Cobra. As May is Mental Health Awareness month, it's good timing to be introduced to 'Darkness Falls' (2021). "This came to me during the pandemic," says frontman Marc Lewis. "I was watching so many folks struggling from all walks of life. Struggle isn’t biased -- it can hit anyone."

The album lyrically was a concept album in a way on the topic of mental health and its impact. I'm truly passionate about this and want it not to be such a taboo thing to talk about or seen as a sign of weakness.

Composed during the pandemic's most clutching moments and recorded with Aaron Cooper of Pylon Productions, the album features longtime collaborators Marc Lewis (guitar, vox), Marc Prefontaine (bass), and Pete Testorff (drums).

"Lie, Lie, Lie," dashes off to a furious Foo Fighters pace as we begin the record, with Pete Testorff's fervor and panache paving the way for Marc Lewis to deliver the three word chorus with all the snarl of a man who just wants to break his rusty chains and run.

"The riff in Lie, Lie, Lie," Marc tells Doomed & Stoned, "was written off something I heard Pete doing one night during sound check. He was playing his whole kit and then doing those snare hits you hear at the beginning of the song."

There's some nice give-and-take between Marc Lewis' guitar and Marc Prefontaine's bass that betwixt the introduction and chorus. I didn't pick it up at first listen, but it definitely grabbed me the next several spins through.

The grungy lyrics match the pissed-off spirit of the music, as the song mourns the loss of a common reference denominator for truth, warning that in its absence there is division, calamity, and ruin. "Together we rise, together we fall." Marc amplifies these powerful moments for us:

This track centers around the idea of false power and how someone could start to believe their own lies and self-hype, while others could fall for it. It can become a toxic relationship or even a cult kind of thing.

It may be hard to remember this far into this surreal "pause" in our world's history, but we too were afraid, alone, and angry for much of the pandemic's wake -- especially in those uncertain early moments when we followed the spread of this strange disease from China to Italy and onto the shores of Seattle and New York.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

The aptly named "Fade" comes next, presenting at a doom's crawl with a sombre arpeggiated motif that summons the spirit of Trouble and Saint Vitus. Or you might hear a twisted, doomed-up variation of Metallica's "Enter The Sandman" in that low-end omen. "Fade was built of the rolling riff and bend," Marc explains. "I wanted it fat and raunchy." Certainly Pale Divine and Dirty Grave come to mind as I seek to match the mood with bands of similar spirit.

Then comes the pained chorus: "Run, run baby," which Marc illuminates in a very personal light:

"Fade" is about a friend of mine who is no longer with us. She was a larger than life personality that was loved by all. She played the personna and role of the happy-go-lucky person. She thought that's why people loved her and why they were friends. She was actually really struggling with mental health and depression though. She would behave in a way that she thought people wanted her to behave, while she was actually suffering. Those around her did not realize her pain or that their influence was making things worse. For years she would self-medicate with drugs and alcohol and that was celebrated by those around her.

I had started to see signs of her pain and tried to reach out. Unfortunately, I was too late. Any time anyone would reach out for help, she would disappear. The chorus line “disappearing one” is a reference to her pushing away and hiding from help. When she passed (sucide) everyone spoke of how special she was and how much they loved her. I was angry and sad. Why didn't more folks try and help her? My perspective was that coddling her addictions and self-medicated escape helped her to the grave.

The lyrics “We all love to see you fade, but don’t you go away” and “We all love to see you soar, but don’t you fade away” are references to the idea that sometimes humans are selfish in their relationships. Meaning that someone may give me the attention and things I need without me being aware of the sacrifices the other person is making.

"Worship The Machine" is another hefty doomer, with some wild guitar noodling contrasted against a rhythm that is quite machine-like as it dances stoically along its predestined chordal path. "Worship The Machine was written to be heavy and groovy," the band notes. "We wanted it to have a certain feel that pushed hard, while still having that chugging along kinda vibe." Closing in on the three-minute mark, Pete turns loose on the drums like a man possessed and the intensity continues when the rest of the band joins in, taking us right across the finish line to a crashing conclusion.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

"I wanna live, but I'm dying" are words I can certainly relate to, not just in 2020, but in 2021, where the lingering impact of such a global (and personal) disruption is still very much a struggle on the daily. Turns out, my intuition was not far from the lyrical intent: "This song is all about the addiction to social media and how it corresponds with one's self esteem, mood, and self-worth. The social media world has become this giant machine and some are literally addicted to it. It creates this tool of status. I think it has truly impacted how people feel about themselves and others."

"Got Mine" is up next and this one is the most punkish track yet. It reminds me a lot of Soundgarden's periodic forays into punk, with songs like "Nazi Driver," "Never Named," and "Kickstand." On this point, Marc is clear: "Got Mine is influenced by the fact that I love old punk rock. I love the energy and the attitude. We wanted it to be loose but with tight stops and control." As to its meaning, we're told:

This song is about a revolution with the main character being selfish and self serving. So the character is done with the revolution or fight once their needs and wants are met. They are not really looking out for the cause or to tackle bigger issues for the good of humanity. They are actually looking for what is best for them. The chorus refers to a cold heart and lack of empathy.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

All you lovers of southern sludge will dig "Policy" with its Goatsnake meets Acid Bath groove and sassy guitar lead. Speaking of Soundgarden, I really dig the Kim Thayilesque breakdown and stinging solo two-minutes in, though some may draw parallels with Crowbar here. These are all, of course, points of reference to try to do the near impossible: put the emotional experience of one listener (e.g. yours truly) into words. In the end, it's up to you to listen and find a favorite of your own. For my money, "Policy" is where it's at. Check out the fantastic dual guitar interplay two-and-a-half minutes in! Down, eat your heart out.

"Policy" is another riff I wrote to play off of a groove I heard Pete do during warm ups. It's got a swing to it but punches hard. Almost a heartbeat if you will. The solo was a direct result of playing the drums.

This track touches on letting toxic people go from your life. At what point do you stop investing in someone's negative energy? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It is the idea of surrounding yourself with people that want you to be the best version of yourself.

Up next: "Who Died", which summons all of the band's talents. Beginning with bursts of rapid-fire guitar picking set against a zombie-like beat and chorus, the song has something of a swampy feel. "I won't follow you!" Mr. Lewis shouts defiantly. I wasn't sure where the song would progress from there, and almost thought it was concluded at the false stop barely two-and-a-half minutes in. But the song rallies and the band pulls out its full force, with what sounds like the addition of the synth to present a layered effect that amplifies the intensity. I think this could have been developed even further, but sometimes brevity is the most appropriate option for a song.

"Who Died" was written off the chorus and intro. Zeppelin kinda riff. It's all about feel and giving the riffs room to breathe. This track is about the concept of thinking for yourself and not being an easy victim of mental or physical abuse.

The reverberating echoes of organ-sounding keyboards greet as "New Monster" takes its place next. We get our footing pretty quickly with a kind of "We Will Rock You" bass motif, but the song gets stranger and stranger as the seconds tick off. As with the previous track, there is a sudden atmospheric shift accompanied by furious strumming and ending on the swirling guitar theme we started with.

"Here we are, same ol' thing, round and round, 'ever again...I wanna run, I wanna breathe, I wanna live." This is, for me, perhaps the most relatable song on the record, lyrically speaking. This one especially gave off strong Prong vibes with its strong vocal lead, robust drumming, strong bass play, and industrial guitar feel.

"New Monster" was written in isolation and was originally an acoustic song. Even though the tempo is upbeat it's a dark and murky riff. We wanted the end out of the breakdown to hit hard. I imagine it building like a wave in the ocean.

Another track focusing on mental health with the idea of perseverance and to keep fighting, "New Monster" is the idea of not being perfect is actually perfect. We are all just floating on a giant rock in space and going through this thing called life together.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

At last, we reach the record's namesake "Darkness Falls" -- the gem of this eight-pronged crown of thorns. I've always thought it was a great name. Darkness Falls is also the title of a 2003 movie about a malevolent tooth fairy, though I see no compelling reason to connect the film with either the song or record. I may not be too far off the mark, as Marc Lewis explains:

This concept came to me during the pandemic. I was watching so many folks struggling. All walks of life were struggling. Struggle isn’t biased and can hit anyone. “Please, please shine for me” and “Please, please glow again” reflect on how badly I wanted things to be better. For things to be ok. How I wanted those I love to be happy, safe and loved.

As it stands, Doors To No Where does a superior job of fleshing out the notion of "Darkness Falls" than previous contenders in any medium. The song stirs up a smokey, mysterious Near-Eastern ambience. Four minutes in and it's confirmed: there is indeed a synthesizer at play on Darkness Falls but its hypnotic effect in this song is interrupted by a screaming riffstorm and a gut full of churning bass. This song would make a great companion to "What The Hell Have I" by Alice in Chains. It also pairs well with Portland band A//TAR, whose metaphysical music we've also debuted in these pages.

"Darkness Falls" is special for another reason: Bob Balch of Fu Manchu and Big Scenic Nowhere was a guest on the album closer. "Him and I worked together on the track," Marc reflects. "He is a pro's pro and added so much to the vibe of the song. His playing and tone are phenomenal.

The new album Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where releases to the public on Friday, May 21st via Desert Records (pre-order here). This is its world premiere c/o Doomed and Stoned.

Give ear...

Doors To No Where · DARKNESS FALLS

Some Buzz

Featuring Marc Lewis (Guitars/Vocals), Pete Testorff (Drums) and Marc Prefontaine (Bass). Doors To No Where have been making music since 2010. Their sound is heavily influenced by Santa Cruz and the local beauty it offers along with the rich history of music. Doors To No Where have been called a stoner rock band but also touch on elements of punk, doom, metal and even grunge.

Growing up on a skateboard and surfing has played a huge part on the influences of the sounds Doors To No Where like to include.

The band has toured in and been honored to share the stage with bands like, Mondo Generator, Fatso Jetson, Fu Manchu, The Melvins and many more.

Doors To No Where will be releasing 'Darkness Falls' (2021) via Desert Records on May 21st 2021. The fourth studio album features eight tracks and a special guest appearance from Bob Balch (Fu Manchu). Staying true to their roots, 'Darkness Falls' is a combination of desert rock and punk influences. The band tracked and recorded the album in the unusual quarantine times of Covid-19.

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#D&S Debuts #Doors To No Where #Santa Cruz #California #grunge #desert rock #punk rock #heavy metal #Desert Records #D&S Reviews #Doomed and Stoned

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repeterwiggin · 4 years

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i decided to make notes as I watched POF (SVSR) for the second time and damn. it’s just as much of a rollercoaster even when you know what’s coming (warning this is long there’s a lot going on)

- wild to me how we jump straight in!

- lee & mary lee are adorable & also thomas at the wedding is a Mood literally me at all my friends weddings

- the flashback breaks my heart,

- Patton is still a really good trier... he’s so good and he tries so hard and I love him

- the way thomas rips off his suit jacket...

- the song that isn’t sung!

- Patton says “we four helped you” but there were five sides in svs hmm I feel like that’s probably significant in some way

- the ace attorney ref makes me very happy! there was a secret path of me hoping for for a professor layton reference but this is ehhhh kinda close?

- the fact that the first thing they say is “why didn’t we talk to lee and mary lee” like. yeah!!

- WE SHOULD START LOOKING I TO WAYS TO PREDICT THE FUTURE! he’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit

- patton and roman bffs!!

- feral cats,,, what a tangent i stan roman

- I like that we get some more context to the invite as well, like being asked face to face does add another element to the dilemma

- Dame Judy Dench = Queen Groovy Bench I see you using those Good Place swears, Roman

- “maybe they ... feel guilty” is like. I get where you’re coming from Patton but talking to them should’ve been step one imo like. I have been to lots of friends weddings and talking to them is important

- “I’m not sure there was a good ending to get” ... “for he’s a jolly good fellow!”

- them calling Patton out for how critical he’s been!!! very important!!! and I appreciate that Patton is trying “I’m just trying to help you be a good as you can be!” he still has more to learn but still im love him

- the bagel callback lol

- GameStore instead of GameStop lol Patton

- FROGGER

- “he eats fly for breakfast”

- We’re ten minutes in and there’s already so much going on

- Also I just want to appreciate that thomas is such a good actor I can tell which side is speaking just from their voice like the cadence is different and they way they say words ahhh it’s something I’ve thought about before but it’s really hitting me with these voice over segments

- Leslie Odom Jr lol if only we’d known

- The Pokemon battle format is so good and I love that it’s being used for a “do you give money to a homeless actor”

- The hotdog puns....

- Logan’s Lowdown!!!

- Roman mouthing “behoove” to Patton is very cute but I feel bad for Logan :(

- Pixel Logan is adorable

- The fact that roman immediately goes “ignorant” breaks my heart listen to logan!!! please!!!!

- Patton trying to soften his thoughts is kind of painful to watch

- “As long as that’s not the main reason you’re doing it!” Patton no,,,,,,,,

- Roman needs to be listened to more he looks so defeated when Patton doesn’t agree with him and only continues after serious prompting I feel like he’s been ignored too many times lately I’m very excited for a roman arc :((

- “Leslie Odom Jr’s....literal cake that he baked!!!”

- Logan’s fun fact popping up in the mario scene!! that’s my boy!!!

- Also the fact that roman is immediately painting deceit as the bad guy after they spent all of svs getting along......like, I feel like after the other sides decided that deceit wasn’t at all genuine or looking out for thomas’ best interests roman did a full 180* on him which makes sense for romans character but is also kinda depressing bc in is lying okay? and svs he was like “oh he’s not that bad!!” And now he’s like “scute bellied tyrant!!” damn

- Patton let’s him talk and then immediately is like “uuuuh no” yikes

- Roman targets all his insults at deceit and very carefully avoids being even playfully rude to anyone else hmm I really do think he’s trying to “make up” for siding with deceit last time and in the end it doesn’t even matter :((( bc he still feels like he’s disappointing people

- Roman seems like he’s genuinely trying to understand and Patton is really struggling to articulate his thoughts and that creates such a good conflict between the two bc it’s not like theyre really against each other it’s just solid interpersonal difference. or intrapersonal I guess

- The trolley problem!!!! A classic I love it

- The way it’s animated too is so good... the “Thomas is full of dread” the way the music cuts when the train appears how it cuts right before the train hits “is it over” ahhhhhh

- Also Leslie Odom Jr again lol

- “Maybe don’t depict scenarios where my friends die” and then later Patton is specifically like “it’s lee and mary lee!!!” lol wild

- “You know we don’t like to use the T word!!!” GREAT little aside

- “So it’s the how that matters” “yeah... and the why!!!” patton baby you’re trying so hard and I love you but it’s okay. you don’t need to have all the answers. you can just not know! I promise it’s alright!

- Thomas face after Patton brings up the “figment of your imagination” things KILLS ME

- I actually disagree with Thomas on the “putting more good into the world” as not being a compelling answer BUT I think that Patton is overlooking how feeling good/having positive emotions attached with those actions IS directly putting more good into the world. like, if doing good makes you feel good, that’s a good thing!! idk

- Logan disagreeing with Patton was good and we all know logan is my favourite but I think he could’ve handled that a little better

- PATTON HITTING SKIP ALL..... sweetie no :((

- everyone has already said this but that cane is the snake boy

- Roman even pulls back the insults on a philosopher who is not there

- Also Roman being like “your desires are getting in the way” again bc he feels like he’s not being listened to or appreciated bc there’s something about him that’s “wrong” and trying to shoulder the blame bc he feels bad that his desires (success, fame, love, appreciation) are inherently selfish :(((

- “that is the stupidest thing you’ve ever said” right sentiment, terrible delivery

- the way roman says “you’re just blowing smoke” is a Lot and very much like his fishing for validation but I don’t blame him for it, after what he’s just admitted it’s truly understandable that he needs that validation

- Thomas’ point about feelings motivating him is REALLY good bc we are all motivated by our emotions

- “Doing nothing is even worse!” i mean you’re not wrong but not in the way you think,,

- Logan/Deceit (I do think it’s deceit at this point) using the oxygen mask metaphor is really great to me!!! I love that metaphor & I was going to be a flight attendant so it’s something I thought about a lot. I’ll talk about it more when Deceit brings it up again lol

- “Uuuh I do need help” mood thomas mood

- “Temporarily put himself first” oof

- “It’s easy to say what we would hypothetically do...” hard agree

- Watching logan/deceit huff and roll his eyes solidifies for me that it is deceit like something about it feels unlike Logan lol I can’t explain why

- Roman nodding along with the explanation of why leisure is important makes me very happy

- “Oh is it not? Please correct me if I’m wrong” and the way the sprite pressing further and further and being more expressive with his hands and eyebrows like damn. that’s deceit!!

- Patton’s breakdown is Iconic I love the glitching and the way it zooms out to show the layout of the living room and the way he explodes ahhhhhhh so good

- why does the frog have abs that’s my one question

- lilypadton ahdhajfka I love it

- DECEIT EX MACINA THE REVEAL IS SO GOOD as soon as he started punning (cut through this bull...frog) I was like 👀 AND THEN THE LINES AND THE CAPE AND THE LORD OF THE LIES IM HAPOY TO OBLIGE

- “CODE YELLOW”

- the deceit sprite is so cute :))))

- Deceit pulling Thomas behind him we have to stan

- “Richer than Jeff Bozos” I LOVE that roman I love you

- Deceit calling him out and the way the words themselves turn into attacks is such a fun detail

- Frog Patton still punning even in serious moments is so on brand

- Deceit dodging while thomas gets hit is a solid metaphor

- “The plane is going down, you need to give thomas some room to breathe” oof like it needed to be said but oof

- The health bars changing to “Thomas’ mental health” OOF LADS WE’RE REALLY IN IT NOW

- the way thomas looks when he steps back into frame cracks me up

- “We can still beat him! We’ve beaten him before!” oh roman, but it’s not a fight against deceit :((

- the snakes on the plane ref lmao “I’m sick of this morality fighting snake on this metaphorical plane” whoever wrote that line... I want to give them a high five truly iconic

- Deceit is so much more playful and showing more diverse personality in this ep and I’m living for it

- final fantasy!! the og version turn by turn which is what I like to play lol also the villain they’re fighting kinda looks like Virgil and idk how to feel about that

- Deceit looking away as soon as logan pops up lmaoooooo

- “Not that any of you care...” logan baby no!!!!! I care!!!!

- Effective Altruism explanation and Logan making a point to go “it employs the heart and the mind” like ... reminding Patton that they need to work together and they’re on the same side I’m soft

- Deceit and Logan agreeing warms my heart they’re both so good and ahhhh

- “Emphasis on the ‘sometimes’ though, right?” “Yeah sure whatever — I mean yes! Of course!”

- I also love how deceit addresses thomas directly they don’t do that a lot but it makes sense cause deceit is really trying to persevere thomas’ self

- Him calling roman noble and roman not believing it :((( deceit trying to be honest and ahhhhh I’m so sad

- “Selflessness isn’t always the answer” which was exactly what svs was supposed to be about

- “What do you almost all things?” “Oh you’re right we wouldn’t want to plant too many trees, imagine how much CO2 might absorbed”

- lmao why am I so impressed by Roman’s deceit impression when they’re literally the same person

- roman flipping out and attacking deceit is a Big Yikes but it’s totally in character bc roman has always been black and white even more so than Patton and it’s been building to an arc for a loooong time so I’m very excited

- Deceit taking off his glove.... saying his name......... I can’t process this

- JANUS!!!!!!!!!! It’s so good it’s perfect I love it I love him

- roman immediately laughing yikesssss

- “Oh roman thank god you don’t have a moustache otherwise between you and remus I wouldn’t know who the evil twin is” YIKESSS but also valid deceit is at a breaking point

- “I thought I was your hero” “you are!”

- I’m going to be thinking about deceit’s—JANUS’S—nod for a long time....was he agreeing with Thomas or was he saying that Thomas was lying ahhhhhhh

- “Everything’s going to be okay. We love you.” “...right” AH MY HEART

- I want to give roman a hug

- Patton asking Janus for advice like right away and Janus not being great at first but coming around quickly with the ever true “it depends” like I love the two of them together the DYNAMIC POTENTIAL

- Janus does seem fond of Patton which is cute I can’t wait for everyone to be friends again lol

- ACTUAL LESLIE ODOM JR I CANNOT

- how did they make that happen,,,, how wild

- the clapping

- “This sanders sides not odom sides,, I’m not threatened at all” that is, somehow, a mood

- “don’t kill, don’t steal, easy conclusions to come to” “even those can get iffy” “I don’t want to think about that... but maybe that proves my point!” you what we call that? growth

- “Giving too simple answers to complicated questions can do more harm than good” “mmhmm”

- “So I’m sorry! Again!” Poor boy is trying to hard and I love him :((( so much <3333

- “Oh yeah that’s cool, talk about me like I’m not here” I love you Janus!!!”

- “I’ll take care of him” and then immediately joking around and trying to make thomas laugh is very cute thomas needed something lighthearted after all of that ahhh

- “You’re not stuck with an EVIL snake boy...you’re just stuck with a snake boy!!” I LOVE YOU JANUS what an adorable nerd I would die for him

- and how excited he gets about being called right he deserves it

- “I love how much you like these constant dilemmas so please keep overthinking things” you know what I needed to hear that man

- “You can’t get doing good down to a science” WORD

- the message of treating yourself well & finding the right balance between that and doing good for others being a personal thing is very good and much needed

- Lee and Mary Lee are onscreen for like 3 minutes and I love them so much

- “So this is what you do for a living? Comedy?” “Yeah I’m a hack”

- Patton and Janus chilling on the same screen... I adore them

- “Seems like things worked out after all... I was wrong about everything!” “You and I both know that’s not true” and Patton’s soft little smile I love them!!!!

- “Odom sides would cool!” like actual Leslie Odom Jr said that.... I’m shook

- okay that’s the end it’s just as much a rollercoaster the second time around no I am not okay, thank you for your time

#sanders sides #sanders sides spoilers #putting others first #selfishness vs selflessness redux #sanders sides reactions

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blythecreamer · 4 years

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Finally...

I’m writing again. For a long time I felt like there was nothing to say. It often feels like Groundhog Day around here. But actually a lot has been going on. It’s been 19 weeks of quarantine. It’s crazy to think about. I am still very anxious. Still taking only 1/2 klonopin a day (amazing!). But somehow managing my anxiety. Coloring helps me immensely. I do it every day and I feel relaxed, focused on that process only, my mind is still for a few hours. I’ve also started meeting with my therapist twice a week instead of monthly. That has made a world of difference. She pushes me to confront my anxieties and challenge them, taking baby steps. She wants me to move closer to accepting the “new normal.” I have major anxiety about leaving the house. She wants me to take walks without Mark (which I still haven’t done). We haven’t even been going on walks together very much lately. I’ve got to motivate. But I HAVE left the house 8 times!! Once to the dentist, 3 times to the grocery store, twice to Royal Farms, once to get my hair cut, and once to CVS. And CVS wasn’t a quick run—I had to deal with them fucking up one of my prescriptions. I DID IT!! I am amazed!!! Mark and my therapist were so proud! It’s SO crazy going into the grocery store. It’s totally surreal. It’s like you get into this primal mode where you’re just like “grab anything that looks good!!!!” Its crazy. My other main source of anxiety (besides the other larger and most obvious anxiety-me or Mark getting COVID and dying) is about Mark going to work. I worry about him SO MUCH. I am so stressed about how I will manage his return to work. What will I do to fill up me empty days alone? I am afraid I’ll get depressed. It’s so fucking stressful. This has been another issue I’ve been unpacking with my therapist. We are developing some strategies to keep me busy while I’m alone. I’m still freaked the fuck out. So my anxiety is always there-manifesting itself in different ways-at bay some days, perseveration other days. I have chronic nightmares. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m overwhelmed. Things are going ok with my new psychiatrist. She has kept my bipolar/anxiety meds the same-and I can’t really blame her. It seems like a potentially dangerous move to switch things up considering the situation. I feel a bit overmedicated on my antipsychotic but fear I’ll have an episode of some sort or another if I lower my dosage. If I had a hypomanic episode right now i would be SO FUCKED! And even though I need to get off lithium to save my poor kidneys, that 300mg might be keeping me stable. As far as the klonopin goes I am kind of in a shitty place. She wants me off it. She won’t prescribe any more until we meet in person. All I have are the refills Misty gave me. They’ll last a while with my rationing but the question is when will we actually meet in person. If things continue to go south it could be months before we meet and I CANNOT just go off a benzodiazepine. That is dangerous and life threatening. So yet another source of anxiety. My mood—in terms of hypomania and depression—has been very stable. My sleep is good and consistent. My mood is fairly even. She seems to think I’m doing pretty well in terms of anxiety. I’m not huddled in a ball in bed, unable to do anything productive. I agree with that. But my anxiety has definitely become more of a generalized anxiety situation, rather than the panic disorder I’ve been diagnosed with. I have had few panic attacks since COVID, but my anxiety is pervasive and definitely problematic. My therapist also thinks I’m managing my anxiety pretty well and keeps telling me I don’t give myself enough credit for the strides I’m making. I can see that, but believing it is much more difficult. I’ve basically stopped eating because of my anxiety. I eat dinner but that’s all. I’ve lost at least 15lbs maybe more (our scale blows). I just can’t eat. It makes me sick just thinking about eating. I know this is not healthy, contributes to my low energy and tiredness (effects of my antipsychotic), and is just a bad idea when all I have is a stomach full of meds. I kind of feel like I’ve developed an eating disorder on top of everything else. In terms of my sobriety I’m doing well. I hardly think about drinking with everything else going on. I had one incident when Mark and I got into an argument and I got in the car threatening to go to Wine Source. But that was unusual. I’m feeling strong on this front. I’m not in danger of relapse. This current situation seems 100x harder than rehab. I’m doing fine without my continuing care group. I still have all the support I need from friends and family. The major positive that’s come out of all this is having Mark home with me for 19 weeks. When he is commuting we spend a few hours together every day. We’ve had a couple blowouts but reconciled with things back to normal rather quickly. What can you expect when you’re trapped in the house with each other for almost 5 months. I adore Mark and I want him home forever!! It’s been such an amazing way to bond—to reinforce our love for one another. I can’t imagine my world without him in it. I JUST CAN’T. We have had some socially distant hangouts and that has helped IMMENSELY!!! We’ve seen my parents 4 times-and on the last visit I finally gave them hugs! I finally felt safe enough to do so (they wore their masks) and it was soooo good!! We’ve also had 4 friends over. Including one of my best friends/acupuncturist who gave me a treatment in my living room! So awesome!!! These hangouts give me LIFE!!! Things are simultaneously so weird and normal. It’s a good thing to have human contact!!! I’m hanging in. I’m on media blackout. Have been since this all started. Mark fills me in on the important things I need to know. Media coverage/articles are too much for me. Anxiety through the roof. I know things are SO BAD and I have made them worse in my mind so what’s the point. Not to bury my head in the sand but I’ve got to do what I need to do to preserve my sanity. Reaching out to friends and family, even a quick text, really helps. Just to make contact and make sure everyone is ok. I talk to my mom & dad several times a day. Mark. Mom. Dad. My friends. My rocks. Keep them close even though they’re far. ❤️ So overall I am making it happen. I see my strength, my resolve. I’m pressing on day by day. I am doing the best I fucking can and that’s all I can fucking ask of myself.

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nikov · 4 years

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how does one have confidence ?

OH thank you for choosing to ask me this anon! this is a long answer so i’m going to put a ‘below the cut’ thing

I struggled really badly with my confidence five years ago, but I am glad to tell you that (as cheesy as it sounds), your confidence will get better with time! Honestly it was a slow process to start to gain more confidence in myself (because I was always told to avoid standing out, to avoid taking the spotlight and just stick to the shadows and remain unseen (it’s good advice to not grow up conceited but i think my parents engrained this mindset TOO deep into my brain to the point where I thought i was literally nothing—anYWAYS—)), the best advice that I can give is just know who you are.

If it’s an insecurity problem with how you look (this was my issue), the one thought that really snapped me out of my depressing hole of thoughts was the thought of: “what authority does the person inside of me have to justify being so cruel?” because, if you think about it, all these “hate” thoughts that you think are all from someone inside of you. an entity that doesn’t have a body, just a mind. who are they to make you feel so horribly about yourself when they are literally nothing? i don’t know if this realisation will hit you as hard as it hit me, but this really helped me realise that 1) your biggest enemy is yourself sometimes and 2) YOU are in control of yourself. YOU have the highest authority to invalidate all the hate that the “inner-you” is giving you. use it! tell them to f off and shut up because they are NOTHING. N O T H I N G! it’s only once you defeat the enemy in your brain when you can eventually learn to (yes this has been on MULTIPLE posters and t-shirts) love yourself. stop picking out everything you hate about yourself. start complimenting yourself. i did this thinking it would do nothing, but if you persevere and KEEP ON GOING with the compliments, you will start to forget about the hate. honestly think the MOST egotistical thoughts you can think of. thoughts like: ‘damn i look GOOD today wtf’ or ‘honestly everyone’s so out of my league like just LOOK at me no one can compare!!!’. these are SO dramatic but they help a LOT! it’s time to stop degrading yourself and it’s time to be OVERLY confident! whenever you think a hate thought just tell them to SHUT UP and SIT DOWN. like a toxic person, they’re OUT of your life. you have let them control you for so long. it’s time to take back your life. it’s time to take back YOUR definition of you. be overly dramatic with your compliments. be SO dramatic with your compliments that they seem a bit silly, but i promise you they work. whenever you feel that disgusting nasty creature in your brain start to pick out EVERYTHING about you, just compliment yourself the best you can before they can say anything.

^^ but that’s just for confidence struggles regarding outward appearances. it’s kind of nice that you asked this NOW because i’ve only recently started to gain confidence with voicing out my opinions. once again, I used to think that what I had to say didn’t mean anything because I was taught to “stay unheard, unseen”; but, what I’m doing now to gain more confidence in who I am + what I believe in, is to honestly just 1) decide who you want to be (what do you want to stand up for? are you SURE you want to stand up for this? would you die by your beliefs? (sounds a bit extreme but if you only stand for something because you HAVE to but not because you truly TRULY believe in it, then there’s no point. you will waver and eventually back down if you don’t TRULY believe in your beliefs) and 2) know your place. #2 is very important because for me, “knowing your place” means knowing that you are allowed to have an opinion and you are ALLOWED to have people’s attention for even a split second. you are ALLOWED to take up space in this world and you are ALLOWED a moment, even if it’s just a minute, of people’s time. you deserve to be heard and you deserve to be listened to. but, it’s also important because even if you’re confident with what you’re saying, you also need to know when to step down. blind confidence in a belief is ruinous. you will ALWAYS not know enough. when someone corrects your beliefs, take the time to understand them. know where they’re coming from. take a step back and evaluate your beliefs again. don’t keep on PUSHING a belief that has been called out for being blatantly wrong and ignorant. know your place.

— i’ve talked about confidence regarding your looks and your mind/thoughts, but if the confidence you were talking about wasn’t mentioned, anon, please feel free to reach out to me! my advice isn’t the best but it has all been derived from my experience and has helped me.

thank you for asking!

TLDR: confidence is something that takes time to grow. best advice I can give is to know who you are, while also knowing your place in life. you are allowed to take up space in this world (as felicity montague says in a woman’s guide to petticoats and piracy). you are allowed to take up space in this world. you are allowed to voice out your opinions. you’re allowed to have a moment of people’s time. you’re allowed to BE HERE.

#asks #positivity

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thenapkinnotes · 4 years

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WHERE DO INSECURITIES COME FROM AND HOW DO WE GET RID OF THEM?

My nose is too big.

I’m too dark.

I’m not athletic enough.

I’m not empathetic enough.

I’m not attractive.

I’m too short.

Ah, the insecurities that arise as we age and engage are natural and almost inevitable. Everyone has them, and everyone can uproot them with pointed effort, mindful practice and deep self-awareness. How? you ask! Keep reading.

When we are young, we are the freest. That’s probably why the saying “kids say the darnest things” arose. If you watch children they are their spirit manifested in physical form. They are curious, uninhibited, authentic innocent, happy, optimistic, and confident. But where does that go as we age and engage? Better yet, why does it go?

We all know that humans are innately social creatures, and that it is our primal instinct to interact and engage with our community, family, friends and even acquaintances. We thrive on connection and feeling accepted, loved, and respected. But once again, if you observe children, they engage at a very human level, until a certain age. Before they recognize their individuality, they don’t know race, color, religion and they don’t care about whether someone is old, young, female or male; they are connecting from soul to soul. Without biases, preconceived notions, or expectations.

But as we get older and continue to engage with our community, we learn about the “ego” and start to understand (at a very early age actually) what “mine”, “I”, “me” and the rest of the ego-centric pronouns are. A toddler begins to express their possessiveness over toys, parents, siblings and material objects very quickly. Yet they are still unclear what that means. AS we get older, we not only identify with the ego, but we start to believe it and understand it to be our true self. This is the first root that must be plucked.

So we continue to engage, and now we are told, most likely from an innocent and “best-interest” place, what is “good” and what is “bad”; what is “right” and what is “wrong”; what is “nice” and what is “bad”, “what is attractive and what is not”, and so on. Parents are our first set of rules that we meet. They tell us our limits, they set expectations whether they know it or not, and they draw delineations of morality for us. Now, having rules in society is obviously important, but I’m not talking about law and order. Here is the second uprooting that needs to be done. You are not just good or bad, you are not just attractive or not. These judgments are difficult to live against because life and the soul itself is not black or white. Insecurities arise when we do not fit into one of these categories, preferably the “better” ones.

Now we go into the bigger community, outside of family: elementary school up to our mid-20s. In these extremely impressionable years, we are faced with the challenge of finding ourselves, establishing our career, making good friends, finding partners in life if we choose, choosing a residence, and many more extremely large but integral things that we ultimately think define us. These things definitely shape us, but they do not define us. And I say it is a challenge because society and culture give us rules of acceptance around relationships, love, body image, sexuality, careers, friends, attraction and many more, while we are tasked with finding ourselves at the same time.

So, when we start to hear that there are standards, we start to compare ourselves (which is natural) to the “objective” standards. We start to question ourselves (while trying to find ourselves!) and whether we are accepted; whether we are good, bad, right, wrong, attractive, ugly, smart, dumb, weird, cool, awkward, etc. Now, our true selves are confused, tainted, and a cloud of smoke covers the light within us. This cloud grows bigger and bigger as we age and engage, unless we uproot certain experiences, teachings and thought patterns.

So back to the question of “why does this happen?”. It happens because we are so extremely bombarded with the outside world, that we cannot even begin to comprehend the inner world. We do not even understand that our inner self is to be maintained, not lost. We also don’t have time – because the outer world is all consuming. The outer world is fun, fast, exciting, new every day, attractive, impressive and provides instant gratification. The inner world (at first) seems to be boring, slow, quiet, lonely, and provides delayed gratification. It’s like choosing to eat boiled vegetables over pizza.

And even when we do look to comprehend the inner world it almost seems as if it is too late or too much to handle. You may think, “I’m 30 and have had so many experiences, good and bad, traumatic and beautiful; and I’ve had so many people tell me who I am, what I’m not, and how I should be; and I have been bullied and I can’t get over it. I am who I am now. This is me.” But this is somewhat of a dangerous statement and conclusion, because you are so much more. We continue to put off the inner world because it is the most daunting thing to face unless we do it piece by piece, with patience, perseverance and self-compassion. Imagine 30 years of not cleaning out your fridge as you continue to shove things into it year over year. You would be overwhelmed at first, you would have to see things you did not want to, it would smell and look bad at times, and you may be disappointed. But when the hard work is done, you are clean, pristine, bright and shining. Who doesn’t love a clean fridge?!

We are like the fridge. We have an innate light within us that shines bright when the clutter is gone, when the traumatic experiences, the negative comments and the harmful self-talk have expired and need to be discarded. So instead of pushing the things that have hurt you to the back of the fridge, or replaying these experiences in your mind, we need to address them.

How do we address them? We have to understand that we are each unique. And that standards are often times man-made and ever changing. Everyone is trying to figure out life as a whole and for themselves, so take what you hear and what happens lightly. We need to believe in ourselves first, and then lean on others for clarification or learning. We also shouldn’t believe everything we hear, see, were taught or were told. We need to use our own intellect and discretion, to weed through and filter what is good and true for us, against what is false, harmful and a non-beneficial standard.

The sooner we de-identify ourselves with our body and our appearance (this is part of the ego), the sooner we see our uniqueness as a power. We need to see ourselves as the inner light that we were as children. Try to see the world through the eyes of a child but with the intellect of an adult.

Until we identify, address and uproot, we will have insecurities that define us, make use moody, angry, pitiful, depressed, anxious, fearful, shy, and negative. Here is a small practice you can try if you’d like, which helps go within to see the roots we have created for ourselves.

1. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and all the things you want to change (physical, emotional, mental, professional etc.)

2. Take that list and think of a close friend or a sibling, and ask yourself “would I ever tell this person to change these things?” (chances are, no). And realize that our self-talk and internalization is often times the cause of our insecurities. It is more harmful than most of the experiences or words that we have encountered. Your thoughts about yourself are the most important thing to train. In my previous post about anxiety, I give practice tips and an explanation of the mind and our reality.

3. Take a break from social media, the news, and perhaps even connecting with people for a few days. Take some time to reflect on how you feel without external pressure (direct or indirect). Listen to the real you. This will help you hear that inner voice without noise. And know that it is ok to disconnect to recharge. If you have to, let your close ones know that you’re taking time so you don’t worry about worrying them.

4. Make a list of the traumatic, negative, hurtful, or sad experiences in your life to date. This will probably be painful and perhaps bring up a lot of emotions. But remember, that’s the point. We can’t get over it, we have to go through it.

5. With your experience list, take each one and address them one at a time. Ask yourself “what happened?”, “What did I feel?”, “Do I still believe it or feel it?”, “How has this affected my relationships, and my view of my self?” and then visualize yourself giving yourself back then a hug. This seems really crazy, but believe me, self-compassion is the key here.

6. Each day, take a few minutes to sit quietly, focus on your breath, imagining positivity, light, and energy flowing in when you inhale, and then imagine negativity, sadness, anxiety, toxic feelings and negative energy leaving your being upon exhale. Again, this may seem silly but visualization, focus, concentration and discipline are wonderous tools in this process.

Practice is important. Remember, the inner world requires perseverance and patience. It is not like the external world. You could just drink or smoke and it would numb the feelings. You could just avoid certain situations or people so you don’t have to face your insecurities. But as you do those quick fixes, your insecurities grow because you give them power, and in turn your light and self-esteem become dimmer.

We are all attracted to those whose inner light shines bright. We know the difference when we meet someone who is truly shining. We can feel something different about those people. We might call it confidence or presence, but it is light and energy that flows from a deeper place than the mind.

Identify, address, uproot, declutter, and use as much windex as possible to let the light shine through!!

Good luck, and remember that as we age and engage the challenge is to walk the fine line of learning and taking the good things from others without letting our light dim.

Om peace peace peace

SKB

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curiousartemis · 5 years

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I had a really tough day today, and I thought about posting this to Pillowfort, but I basically have one follower/reader, (Hi Topsy 😁), so I suppose I’ll share it here instead 😅 I’ll put it under a cut because it’s pretty depressing stuff, and I know most people don’t really want to deal with that.

I guess the latest one-shot I shared was—and I hate cliches, but ah well—the straw that broke the camel’s back. (Why are cliches always so violent. Poor camel.) I know without a doubt that everyone is very tired of me crying about this, so that’s why it’s under a cut. But, if I can be frank with you guys, I’m past 30 and I live alone, have for most of my life (I enjoy living alone; it’s my choice); all of my friends are married now and my siblings are busy with their own children and lives. But what this means is that I often literally have no one to talk to. So, I blog.

I also tell stories.

I have been telling stories my entire life. I essentially started when I was 10, thanks to my 5th grade teacher, and I haven’t really stopped since. (Minus those five years or so when I temporarily quit because a fiction professor convinced me, in his own erudite way, that I had no talent for writing.) Sharing my stories is an intrinsic part of storytelling for me. I don’t know why. I actually think this is quite normal, and, I say to the person who recently told me to just “shut up and write,” I don’t think you feel that way either. I think we all want to know that someone is listening to and enjoying the stories we tell.

I’m not angry at people for not enjoying my stories. It isn’t their fault. Yet I don’t know how to be angry at myself. I don’t think my writing is too bad. I thought at one point my tendency to write in first person was the reason people avoid my stories, but now first-person writing has become strangely popular in TES fandom, yet still my stories are not really consumed. I thought perhaps it was because they were more romantic than explicit, so I began to push myself to write more 18+ stories; however, these have received even less of a response. I don’t think it’s on account of the characters I choose to write about; I believe the three main love interests of my characters are extremely popular in fandom. So I truly don’t know what it is. Is it because I write male characters? No, I know people who write male characters and yet still receive feedback.

I have, for example, a place where I’ve collected all my one-shots I’ve written for TES fandom (and one for Dragon Age). There are 28 separate stories. I think I was up to 24 or so when I finally wrote a post here on Tumblr begging people to read them. They had 0 comments at the time. Two wonderful friends responded, and another person left a comment last night. So now there are 4 comments. The collection also has 23 kudos, which is less than 1 kudos per story.

Again, am I mad at people for not commenting? No, I just have to acknowledge that, for whatever reason, people do not enjoy my writing. Cal’s story, which is 50,000 words long, never had more than three readers at at a time. I persisted in telling it because even those three people were enough to keep me going; knowing three people were reading along and wanted to know what was going to happen next spurred me on, made me keep going.

Comments have dwindled for Casien’s story as well. I have one person who comments after every chapter. I can’t tell you how honored and relieved this person makes me feel; they are the reason I keep writing. I often don’t have it in me to even begin the next chapter until I see their comment. Last chapter, I debased myself again and begged for comments at the end of the chapter. 2 more people responded, so I now know I have at least three people reading. That’s something. It’s enough to make me keep writing.

So, what is the main issue here? It’s me. Every time I share a story, I receive little to no feedback. And then what happens? I become deeply depressed. So depressed that I sometimes breakdown into tears. THIS SUCKS. I absolutely do not like feeling like this, and considering how prolific a writer I am, I’m starting to feel like this almost every single day. “So stop writing then,” you say. I know. I’ve considered it. But I love writing. I re-read my own stories all the time, too, and they bring me such joy! I try to imagine my life now without Casien, Cal, and the others, and it’s dreadfully dreary. Is it worth being intensely depressed each time I share a story? I don’t know.

Once again, I’m not sharing this because I want everyone to feel bad for not commenting or sharing my stories. I don’t want everyone to rush off and give me pity kudos, reblogs, and comments now. Everyone who does do that every time I cry about this situation—thank you. You’re a wonderful person, and a wonderful friend. I know you’re sincerely trying to help. So please don’t feel bad.

It’s just—again, I’m a storyteller. I share stories. I want to delight people. I want to make them excited when they see new content about a character they like. I want to make people laugh and cry and rage. And I seem to lack the talent for it.

This is crushing. Because I am pretty serious about wanting to write professionally. I’m sure a lot of folks who’ve read my stories are snorting now. The joke’s pretty much on me at this point, but I’m stubborn. You know, I actually put aside all academic work for the time being. I have refused to let myself send out abstracts for conferences, journals, and books. Why? Because I vowed that I would start to take my fiction writing aspirations seriously.

I don’t know if I’m a fool for that, but I’m still going to persevere, at least for the time being. I don’t know if I will continue writing one-shots and sharing them. I don’t know if I’ll respond to the ones still sitting in my inbox. I know that folks send those in because they’ve very kind, and they know I want prompts, so they send them in. But as you can see, it’s so very hard for me to write things... and know that no one is reading them.

#writing #personal #depression #also having my writing at times be severely criticized by other fans has been intensely demoralizing #such as being told I get lore incorrect or that i'm wrong for ignoring this aspect of story or even that my character's name is incorrect #all of that has been sitting on top of my shoulders along with all these negative feelings #it's crushing

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