#I can’t handle being alone

[pepprs]

ok so. today i am going to

fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3

ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3

check into a hotel by myself for the first time

walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today

give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes

#purrs #conference tag #chicago #im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o #if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been #other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel #less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt #like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself #if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely #anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared. #like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell #myself that i make it so. #trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED! #i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something. #obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen #to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie #i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have #been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha #i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before #like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i #genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still

[goldenhylia]

Goddamnit

I just saw someone say they hate Hylia because “she always sends kids to do her bidding”

Oh my god are some of y’all fucking stupid?? You think Hylia chooses when bitchass Demise and his reincarnations pop out of the earth? You think Hylia, who I must remind you IS ZELDA, called Ganon to wreak havoc on her kingdom just to watch kids fight??

#bro can y’all just leave these fictional ladies ALONE #save the vitriol for real actual people who send people to die or some shit #you can’t even blame the golden goddesses for this because none of the gods in Zelda are all knowing #god damn the way this fandom handles Hylia is so annoying!! #and I know I’m being a bitch about it but I won’t stop #LoZ #BotW #SS #TotK #personal #Hylia #Tears of the Kingdom

[theexorcistiii]

I wish I could move out so bad SIGH

#I want my own space I can decorate how I want instead of cramming everything into 1 room I wish I had the space to make bigger art instead #of cramming it all in one tiny room I wish I didn’t have to hear my moms bf being so loud all the time about everything I wish I didn’t have #to hear them fighting or fucking :/ I wish I didn’t live under my moms scrutiny. I wish /I/ could have sex. SIGH. #but I’m so I’ll prepared to live alone I can’t hold down a full time job I don’t understand how like anything works I’m so afraid of anythin #g I don’t drive or want to drive I can’t go to the grocery store by myself or handle like emergencies I’m scared to live alone but I dont #want to live with strangers I don’t want to live in ca but I’m scared to move so far away from my family & be away from support #EVERYTHING IS SO HARD FOR ME. ARGH #I hope I get to feel like a fucking adult some day. I know I’m only 23 but like Man.

[takemetoasummereve]

I actually hate f1

#wym I’m only here to race brother go kys #These people only care about themselves #I can’t imagine being a woman in F1 #Let alone being a woman considering a career in Formula One #This is so poorly handled. It’s embarrassing. #f1 #FIA

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

one of the best lines I’ve ever written is “[harrison’s] not wise. he never wants to be again” in ch. 2 of BODY BACK like holy actual cow the level of self-awareness there & the pain there & the anger there & the jadedness there & the vulnerability there & the heartbreak there & the desperation there & the sadness there & the longing there & the certainty there & the hurt there & the—

#like idk I could pick apart what this one line means to him at this moment when it’s stated #it’s quite literally the thesis of this book—Harrison’s EMOTIONAL thesis #like he spent ALLLL of moth work doing the ‘right’ thing #Lonan can’t be in his father’s cabin because of his history there??? #all good they’ll sleep in a tent #Lonan is actually ready to enter his father’s cabin when he’s just alone with Harrison? #nice let’s go in #Lonan just wants to hold him in the bathroom?? #great he’ll be held #Lonan thinks he sees the ghost of his father??? #all good let’s leave the cabin for good it’s clearly making things worse #Lonan can’t handle being in Oregon anymore?? #totally fine let’s drive him solo across the country all the way to home #WHOLE BOOK PROGRESSES like that — Lonan having needs and harrison dropping his #entire life to provide them #this man who I love very much but is struggling to accept himself and therefore me?? #all good I can take that #this man continues to hurt me because he himself is so hurt he doesn’t even know how to handle himself??? #I can carry that #for all intents and purposes Harrison’s trying to do the right thing in MW #AND IT DOESNT WORK!!!!! #I think so much of body back is Harrison trying so hard to forget that man #not Lonan no but the version of himself #who loved Lonan at all #because if he remembers that person he’ll remember how much the love he gave didn’t seem to matter #and this line in BB I think is the only moment we see MW Harrison peak through #he’s sooooo vulnerable there—he knows he was once ‘wise’ in doing all the right things for Lonan #he also knows none of that matters because lonan’s not here #& he cannot handle that at all << ok tag essay over #btw this entire thing inspired me to create a new podcast lmaooo y’all heard it here first folks!!!

[just-rogi]

.

#like I’m sorry #I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me #and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard #and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles #but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way #and has never worried about money as a kid #and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course #but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book #like she did everything she can to understand and relate #but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone #because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am #and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping #I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind #but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child #that are impacting by daily life and interactions #and like I feel so fucking alone #and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING #I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops #I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd #especially not therapists of color #I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months #and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me #like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having #flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking #and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me #because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before #like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very #upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis #and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it?? #I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

This Doesn’t Mean Anything

NA contemporary romance about a sex-repulsed girl starting uni and meeting an upperclassman who hangs out in the same study room and coffeeshop as she does

struggling with her asexuality, new friendships, and harassment

#This Doesn’t Mean Anything #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #well. #I was overall enjoying the first half of this! then it went to shit lol #for one. WAY TOO LONG. but also feels like scenes would be very short then skip to the next day #I liked how the first half of the book was just developing the relationship as a friendship. #there’s a conflict at 50% and they literally are terrible to each other for almost the entire rest of the book #also the conflict of why they can’t get together feels manufacured. #he feels like he (21) is too old for her (18) and while i’m like…yeah I understand that im iffy about it too; #as the reader we know they’re going to get together anyway. so it just feels stupid. and made that way just to cause a conflict. which lasts #too long. #2) #then men are SO overprotective to the point it’s kinda. not creepy exactly but like why the fuck can none of these women go anywhere without #a dude accompanying them? the MMC even. when she tells him to leave her alone (because he rejected her) he’s still being all protective and #and calling her sweetheart like I started to actively dislike him. it’s like. borderline manipulative ‘nice guy’ #THEN it threw in a SA at 80% or whatever which. a) can we not SA our ace characters and b) is just not handled well. it feels like an excuse #to make them hurt/comfort and then get together aka end their conflict. which. oof. #3) #‘i was looking up why i dont want sex and i saw the word asexuality but couldn’t find much else maybe the GSA could help’ #you can’t use info-not-on-the-internet as a plot excuse when. there is endless info about that on the internet? I don’t think this is set in #2005? also she doesnt even go ask the gsa #while her sex repulsion is a significant part of the book actual references to asexuality are extremely brief and half of it is shoved into #the last chapters. and it’s almost entirely her being self hating and the LI affirming her #anyway I can see the INTENTION is good here; the quality of writing just makes it all bad #like maybe these things are the author's experience and that's fine. the way it's written is uncomfortable. #i can tell all the 5* reviews are people who have never read an ace book before. i promise there is better #i think there’s gonna be a companion sequel about her roommate being aroace which. I don’t have super high hopes for writing-wise but I gues #guess I'm interested

[gooberjam]

why did i watch the documentary of my partners grandmother at 3am when i couldn’t sleep why did i think that was an awesomesauce epic idea? my brain is a rabid beast inside the fragile confines of the skull

#celebrity is an industry of neglect 🥰 #celebrity is a means by which we strip people of their humanity the desire to be famous is the desire to be revered as an idea alone #and paradoxically it is also kind of the only career possible for certain kinds of extremely vulnerable people #where your job is largely to exist as you’re being told to because you can’t handle much of anything at all and you’re very mentally unwell #which is made sooooo much better by being a hash tag celeb teehee #i mean no fucking wonder everyone wants to be an influencer but also NO ONE should want to be an influencer

[mioakem]

The personification of Taylor swift albums will be the death of me

#like guys you don’t understand debut and rep only have eachother and they both know that rep has to leave soon #and debut is gonna be alone #like guys you don’t get it like i get it #this is why we need a double drop #I can’t handle debut being alone in the vault #she needs her sisters #taylor swift #eras tour #taylor swift eras

[saisons-en-enfer]

.

#i genuinely can’t handle all the sadness in my heart and the coming of a new year #all my friends will leave again and I’ll be alone and miserable again #and just have to get used to everything being so empty #and suffer and burn with longing #each night going to sleep secretly wishing I could die #though I can never tell anyone about it #just perpetually hurting with wounds that will never fucking heal #and will always hurt the same because I feel so deeply

[sophfandoms53]

I love Sonic Boom but the amount of damage that series has done to how people perceive the characters, particularly Knuckles? Omg.

The show has been over for like 5 years and yet people still panic at any clip or scene that dares to portray Knuckles making a mistake or a joke as him being written like his boom counterpart.

There used to be a time where Knuckles was allowed to be gullible, hotheaded, and have jokes and nobody would ever say he was OOC because it was all part of his personality. But for several years now whenever Knuckles isn’t just being a brute and shows more sides to his character, in media that isn’t even Boom, suddenly he’s dumb and “ugh he’s just boom!knuckles now.” It’s ridiculous.

Yes, Sonic Boom is meant to be a comedy so a certain aspect of every character is heightened but we’ve reached a point where if a character shows that aspect at all in other media almost instantly people are making comparisons to Boom even though those are alternate versions of the characters that we aren’t supposed to take seriously.

#and this ain’t even getting into the damage boom has done to shadow #how jerky and edgy (cries) they made him #and how he was portrayed as a villain #which makes me nervous about how ppl will respond to bad guy shadow in movie 3 #bc bad guy shadow isn’t the frail ego ‘I take orders from no one’ dude that boom made him #bad guy shadow is moreso ‘I got a job to do and if you get in the way I’ll fight you too’ #and tbh that’s kinda shadow in general but it’s handled differently #bc his intentions are different after his redemption #but even so #shadow being independent and preferring to work alone doesn’t suddenly mean he can’t listen to other ppl #literally in SA2 and X when Amy or Chris spoke to him about what Maria wanted and how people are good he was literally listening #and bc he was listening he realized wtf he was doing #and was like wait lemme fix this #it’s all right there?? like I don’t get it??? #and this same thing applies to knuckles #if you look at him in any other media OUTSIDE of boom #you’ll see that how he’s portrayed in the film is a lot similar to those pieces of media #not everything has to go back to boom #tl;dr sonic boom is not the only source for characterization nor should it be #sonic the hedgehog #knuckles the echidna #shadow the hedgehog #bc I rambled about him in the tags #sonic movie #sonic movie 2 #sonic movie 3 #sonic boom

[enigma-the-anomaly]

So I’m just not allowed to have single happy moment huh? Not even for a fucking second?

#i believe that yeah mom maybe no one is perfect but I believe that you are pushing your luck - paraphrasing tfb here but ugh #parents will literally say you can tell them anything and then shame you for not being perfect #like fuck you #its not even that bad of a mistake #I accidentally left my car keys at the theater but I’m getting them tomorrow #it’s just that I’ll have to be dropped off and picked up at school by my dad #which he’s done for fucking years so it’s not like an inconvenience #you’re just an asshole who likes it when people feel bad #I’m already stressed because of fucking everything and this happens and I figure it out and handle it #but you can’t leave it alone you have to shame me #when I was younger and forgot my phone in the airport bathroom because I had been distracted by my period starting #you yelled at me in the middle of the fucking airport in front of everyone and made me cry even more #and then you apologized because you knew i was already feeling awful about it without you yelling at me #why did you bother apologizing when you do the same exact thing every fucking time I mess up #I hope you go to hell

[snixx]

ugh ashlyn stfu I’m sorry but you don’t deserve gina 1.0 or otherwise

#hsmtmts #just shut up shut up shut up #look I love doing things with my friends more than anyone I’m actually like ash in the sense that I’d rather have fun with my friends in #the ensemble than go for the lead alone #but she’s being so self centred ugh #gina was ROBBED both times #plus she can have her own ambitions without making her a bad friend for suppressing herself so you feel secure in your friendship #gina deserved the lead it’s about damn time like ash was sweet as belle but it’s not cute if you can’t handle no #gina porter #anti ashlyn caswell

[fakeoutbf]

.

#food tw #body image tw #hi i feel like this whole week has been a lot and it’s culminated today in me having an anxiety attack over my body #so i thought i’d just let some feelings out please feel free to just skip over this #logically i know that my body and what it looks like isn’t representative of my value as a person #i completely get that and i know that the thought is insane #but growing up with the specific model of being skinny and pretty so ppl find you attractive / appealing is so hard to unlearn some days #this is the heaviest weight i’ve been in my life probably and it isn’t even that much but it just means my body looks different #which makes it fit and look differently in clothes i used to take comfort in #and sure i’ve gotten bigger sizes and it’s no big deal but my brain chose today to hyperfixate on the fact that my love handles are bigger #and create this dip in my hips that didn’t use to be there and now i’m panicking over eating so much bread and carbs and not working out and #winter season coming up and all the carb rich food endorsed during that time and my mom craving more sweets and offering me as well #and IT SHOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER but for YEARS one of the only things i had ‘control’ over was my weight #and now that everything else has gone to shit i can’t get myself to have control over this thing and it’s making me feel even worse #and then i think of eating better but it just seems so hard when i have no motivation to actually make myself healthier meals and i just #i’m stuck in a standstill of wanting to get better but my brain shutting down and being exhausted after work and idk what to do #i know i need to be kinder on myself but also i want to change but idk where or how to start #i know i have to do it alone but fuck everything is so much scarier alone

[rowanhoney]

there’s a festival right outside my flat today and it took me a few hours but I decided I’d go an check it out. Couldn’t find anyone at all to come with me. Went down alone because I do everything alone all the time so figured it’s no big deal. Ended up walking the length of the festival (400m) just trying not to cry and came out the other side and am now walking home through the back roads with the least people

#summer is the worst for lonely girls #like I said I do plenty alone #but at gigs or the cinema or whatever #no one is looking at u and it’s dark and ur usually not the only one alone #this was just group after group of friends and families etc #and I’m just walking thru the middle on my own and it felt so horrible #I felt like i massively stood out idk #the biggest issue for me rly is that no one else is alone #I can’t handle intense reminders that the people I care about #and the only ones who even maybe care about me too #are really far away #and just not physically present in my life #p much everyone else always seems to have people #I have other friends that tell me they’re broke because they have like multiple parties and events and things to go to every week #and going out 3 times a week is pricey #and I’m like cool I save so much money being so so so alone 👍👍👍👍👍

[leisure]

i kinda just feel like my life is falling apart very fast lmao

#why is everything so difficult lmao liKe i’m actually considering ending it cause i can’t handle it anymore #i don’t really have anyone anymore lmao and my job sucks now and i’m sad and alone #and no matter how hard i try and can’t find anymore and i’m almost 30 lol #like imaging not being good enough for anyone when you’re almost 30 and like no one of my goals are #met and i hate it i’m tired