#I can't believe I'm really stuck

[ratinthevoid]

why did i believe i can ever come out to her

#i need to move out i need to move out i need to move out #i hate this #i can't do this anymore #i hate them but i feel like i'm not a loved to bc they care about me #fuck christiany and your stupid god #i was trying so hard and i can excuse a lot but what's even the point if they never understand #christianity is so evil so fucking evil it rots your brain #she tak about leftist propaganda and cults like she didn't let one control her for years #she want me to tell her stuff promises she can support me but it's simply a lie #she can only accept me if i'm the daughter she want me to be if i bend in the ways that are comfortable #just a little more but every day is so fucking hard #i know i'm gonna suffer and that i may be alone my whole life #but i prefer to be alone and suffer in a different place than be stuck here #and maybe i don't have to be alone maybe other people can have friends that actually care about them #fuck i believed for so long she won't have problem with me being aro like it's not even a sin right??? #i keep doing that i'm trying to tell them everything so they tell me what they really think and i'm not the bad person #but it doesn't matter if i'm the evil here i can accept it i was trying for so long #i know i'm difficult but maybe it can be easier for everyone if you just give up on me

[corfisers]

i really need to finish this one day

#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully #anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason #incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up #you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot #he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him #in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened. #you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from #you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help? #doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance #proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long #yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him #yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that #and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do” #“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem” #(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.) #he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway #but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again. #something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh #for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been #which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad #but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence? #she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”. #wips tag

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

some gifts for my very cool and sweet mutuals!!!!

you probably didn't see me posting so much fanart in a row but i've been planning to give you guys gifts since september!! thank you all a lot for the continuous support even when i'm getting less and less active lately :')c

these designs belong (in order):

mobster au ccino by @help-im-a-gay-fish

palida belongs to @bluepallilworld

drag is @dragon-tamer-1's skelesona

Magika is by @coolbattlegirl

Mocha belongs to @jann-the-bean

and finally Nova is @digitalvoidheart's oc

long list of credits huh :'Dc sorry you guys all insisted on being such sweethearts to me when i felt down ig- sucks to be awesome people u3u (jk jk i'm super grateful<33333 will be drawing a part 2 soon >:D)

#art #my art #fanart #gift #other's ocs #other's skelesona #drag's skelesona #palida #fem!ccino #mocha #nova #FINALLY #it started out as a single piece (ccino) #then i was like ''damn i wanna thank everyone who's been sweet to me even after knowing i can't post my usual art anymore-'' #but then i realized.. you guys are a LOT >:'Dc #like a lot a lot #i cannot believe it myself #i stuck to drawing the people who sent me dms/asks and comments the most that really cheered me up but i'm still very glad for everyone #and i mean EVERYONE who didn't drop this blog because it's not as active as it used to be #i wish i could be here more you guys but school is really really taking a toll on me :'/ #and i'm stuck drawing with a mouse until i have the time to actually get a part time job- BIG emphasis on time cause i barely have it xD #to buy myself another pen/tablet/whatever works really :'D i might wanna open up mini commissions tho??? #small artworks like these- they'd be cheaper than what i originally wanted to charge for commissions #(and i was planning on opening them on july of 2022 but you saw how that month went for me xD) #still very unsure about the whole process but hey- who knows? :'D be prepared for that possibility i guess! >:D #thanks a lot for the support and friendly comments!!! hope you guys liked the drawings >:) #i sure had a lot of fun with the colors and designs hhh x) #<33333

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! What work is you think is your best one? In your opinion, not counting readers response, kudos and so on, which work you are the prouder of?

I don't know, anon!

The works I feel are my best are not actually the works I'm always proudest of. The works I love the most are not actually my best. So here we go:

The work I think I've written that is my best: The Ice Plague (particularly books 2 & 3)

The work I've written that I'm proudest of: The Golden Age that Never Was

The work I've written that I love the most: Falling Falling Stars

It was hard to narrow this down because it's also changed over time and I expect it to change in the future as well. In the past for example, I would have said that Inmates was probably my best work. Or that I was proudest of Stuck on the Puzzle. So I definitely don't think this is static!

#asks and answers #pia on writing #stuck on the puzzle #the golden age that never was #the ice plague #fae tales #that's the thing #feeling that something is your best work #isn't necessarily going to be the work you're proudest of #and it isn't necessarily going to be your favourite (which is also how i interpret 'best') #i really do believe the ice plague is probably the most objectively solid writing i've ever produced #and some of the tightest in terms of balancing such a huge plot with so many ensemble characters #and i frankly think the pacing in particular in book 3 is on point #but i can't be the proudest of it because it hurt so much to write and it failed compared to GT and COFT #so i'm not actually as proud of it #anyway i have a lot of feelings about all of those stories #TGATNW was like the 'oh this is exactly what i wanted to do in this fandom and i think this worldbuilding is solid' #it's a tight work AND represented what i wanted to capture re: jack and pitch #but my heart will always be soft for FFS

[seknots-izumimir]

it still feels odd to look at my friends profiles...

#i have him as a friend on my steam account and my switch. and it feels weird to look at them and know he'll never come online again #it's... weird. i got a little bit of closure through one of our mutual friends going to his funeral at least. i still wish i could've gone. #somehow. but i'm stuck in fuckall new england so many hours away. it's okay though #i hope he's happy. genuinely. i don't know what comes after but i hope wherever he is he's found the happiness he was always looking for #grief is a weird thing huh? like a wound that just randomly starts hurting again. but i can't change the past #those of us who were his friend go forward with his memory. so no one really dies as long as they're remembered right? #immortalized in online profiles. memories shared between friends. late-night gaming sessions. we carry those memories forward #so no one's ever really gone. that's what i want to believe at least. #ugh i need to stop whining abt my grief on main

[zanathan-aisling]

sooo chainsaw man chapter huh

#chainsaw man spoilers #read it soon as it came out just haven't said anything bc like. #while good! and dramatic and shit! it doesn't leave room to talk really! #my only real 'thought' is that makima might not be able to 'control' people who genuinely love her???? because i'm still flying by the #'barem wasn't being controlled' boat #doesn't necessarily contradict the free will theory or take away from his character too too much #out of ALLL the weapon humans he still stuck out as the least... reverent. i don't mind that he LIKES makima because that #him being like. chainsaw fan number 2 to her. but like also being makima fan number 2 to denji. theres something there sdglkdhhklgsd. #that said it does take away a BIT of his edge for him to still believe makima's 'peace' crap. unless thats just him lying again. #ANWYAYS #back to the 'makima can't control blablabla' thing: #but that makes it wierd that it transfers onto other control devils' ability to control people #maybe its like. both. #like that its both because 'barem's heart belongs to her' and also that barem wasn't under literal control #or. something #also like damn is kishibe just DEAD already? he felt competent at least to run a better operation than public safety currently has. #did fami just fucking kill him. is he out of the buisiness for some fucking reason??? #OH ALSO barem being less makima-centric despite still bearing allegience to her could also be due to how flamethrowers are kinda intertwine #conceptually with 'fire' and fire is a really fucking big name #similar armor to pochita. like if a darkthrower existed it would also -while not COMPLETELY deny access like Chainy. would neuter makima's #degree of influence #fallingthrower.....

[musical-chick-13]

.

#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere #like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness #but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those #people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you #and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me. #I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do. #it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all #you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point #where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being #trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point #but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest #hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger. #but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do? #if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am #an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying #over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or #neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end #then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right? #but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable? #I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!! #sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week #In the Vents #ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™ #anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted

[rahleeyah]

Worst part of this experience so far is that now that the wisdom teeth are gone the molars at the back are exposed and surprise!! They're sharp!!! Like really sharp!!! So my tongue and cheeks have been shredded. Ripped open and now covered in sores, and bc my cheeks are swollen there is no way to hold my mouth that doesn't rub them against those sharp teeth. Like the soreness in my jaw/teeth I can deal with but the way all the soft places in my mouth are completely raw is what is gonna break me.

#oh and!!! bc they're sharp!! food gets stuck on them but I'm so sore and swollen that cleaning those teeth makes me cry!!! #but I'm also crying bc i can't not eat!!! #this has truly been a nightmare and what's really awful about it #is that everyone was like 'lol it's not a big deal!! don't worry about it!!! you're gonna be ok!!' #and absolutely no one said anything that actually prepared me for my experience including my doctor #and I'm like ok well. now i feel like no one will believe how heinous this is. bc everyone said it wasn't. but it is. i swear it is

[rexcaliburechoes]

"I feel like not many looked at my- looked at the lyrics to the song. [detect my love] was written a long time ago and it really showed my mental state and a big reason for why I wanna leave."

damn, I was right about the song wasn't I. I really was right just after getting over the flashiness of the music itself

#rex rambles #mysta rias #in my original draft of my other post re how the lyrics feel ominous I mentioned how I didn't know how long the lyrics were written for #but it has to have been a long time due to how scheduling for this shit works #like the post that's stuck in drafts not the post I actually posted #but I can't believe I hit the nail on the head. oof. #I'm so happy mysta is moving on of that's how he felt this entire time #I know his graduation is upsetting but if he was really feeling Like That then I want him to leave tbqh

[artekai]

Primadonna Girl X How to be a Heartbreaker ♥︎

#deni's stuff #deni's art #oc tag #oc: fross #oc art #oc x canon #fross x verbena #horizon oc #horizon au #again. it's a CRACK SHIP mind you. i'm not taking it seriously lmao #it's just amusing to me to headcanon them as exes who hate each other now as much as they did when they were together lol #and that's JUST because they're the only zeniths close enough to each other in age. they didn't have any other options :/ #but what? am i supposed to believe that these two spent hundreds of years stuck on sirius and DIDN'T even kiss once??? i call bs #no strings attached of course! they are both acutely aware of the nature of their relationship lol #fross knows that verbena can't commit. verbena knows that fross is the anon sending her holo death threats to pass the time #if looks could kill. tilda would've pulverized verbena centuries ago #it's truly a lose-lose-lose. they deserve each other and that's not a compliment. were i a judge i wouldn't let them get a divorce. #the only reason fross didn't laugh when verbena died is because it was a sharp reminder of his own mortality as a zenith. yeah lol #but jokes about zeniths being the worst aside! actually really content with the posing and faces here. i feel like i've improved a lot :') #i actually put effort into this lol but i don't regret it

[concerto-roblox]

found pictures of me and an old friend i haven't spoken to since i was 17 this isn't gonna be good for my evening

#jesus christ i can't believe it's been that long #we were so close and then one day they just decided to stop talking to me and all our other friends #except the girl who bullied me and made my life hell #but now i don't even know if i resent them for it because i'm pretty sure they were going through something i didn't really know about #and it's been so long i can't even be bothered to hold a grudge anymore #the problem is if i wanted us to reconnect the responsibility is on my shoulders because i've changed my number since we last spoke #and i didn't have instagram or anything when i was 17 #and i just know it's not going to be how it was before because i'm so different now and there's nothing i hate more than trying #<- to build up a relationship from the beginning #and i don't even know how to go about it since it's already broken down #but i don't know if i want to lose them forever because they were one of the two people i was closest to in school #and they stuck by me when i got horribly bullied #i just don't know if i can stand the idea of trying to rebuild what we once had and failing :(( #oh my god i never normally get this emo on fucking tumblr wtf is wrong with me #anyway #how to be cringe 101

[noxtivagus]

hmmm. oh my god my mind is a mess i rlly can't write what i want to rn but i will just Dump

#🌙.vents #YEAH HONESTLY OKAY one reason why fiction comforts me so much is. it teach me so much n let me live through so much more #these characters i. relating to them n seeing parts of myself in them is just. yk rlly comforting bcs i'm. very not social irl. #i get anxious. n typically i find that.. most ppl in like my class or my school or wtvr. yk everyone is interesting n has depth but #i find them. a bit too simple for me. ah.. yeah uhm. sorry remove the 'a bit' it's. by far. so. #hermes rlly. to me bcs he's like. different. felt alone for it. but.. he's intelligent he's valued n. theres a lot of ways to look at it bu #yh then he stands up n does smth for himself for once n he makes mistakes n then after that he sort of just gives up on that part of himsel #'internalizes the lies' THAT PART HURT SO MUCH OKAY. but.. yk fitting in n being 'normal' or wtvr gives a lot of ppl more comfort #but for me it hurts yes but i'd much rather face life for what it is. who i am who i really am. fuck if it's lonely for me #smth from the 1975 w matty on religion? sorry as well i'm.. really not religious. i respect it but please. i'm really not religious. #it would.. be easier yeah if we did believe in some divine being right? believing that there is salvation. that. there's.. yeah #i really just can't bring myself to believe in that. on religion i rmb rn even when i was younger like in lower school even i rlly thought #abt logic behind it. i questioned n wondered why people believed in religion. i really as. very curious abt stuff n life n all that #n growing up i've never really let the outside world influence me too much. no i pride myself in really staying true to myself. #so last year hurt sm bcs i really felt like i was restraining myself too much. i can't exactly pinpoint it rn okay i'm emotional rn but #i rlly felt like my freedom to be myself was stuck somewhere. n then stuff n 'talking too much' so tumblr became yh for me bcs #i don't want to isolate myself but i just.. can't do some things bcs of anxiety? or wtvr there's a lot n then there's also. uh #i still do crave vulnerability n belonging but how do i say this #it's really important to me that. i realize i open up more to ppl that also are able to open up as well. ppl who are like me. #like apollo n online friends n i love my irls too n i hate this bcs yh fine maybe i'm a bit of a ppl pleaser but it's more in a way that #i don't want to be misunderstood. i don't want to hurt anyone. so irl i generally tend to.. hide or restrain myself #take note of 'generally'. but i won't touch on that right now. i think i've been misunderstood before so that's why im sensitive to this #bcs. still having that love n care can coexist with still knowing myself n what works better for me bcs it's so crazy actually how w #several ppl i met last year esp the ones i only know online i cld open up to them more easily bcs they Too can do that n it just #feels so lonely irl i'm just dumping rn it's like nearly 1 am n i'll probably delete this tmrrw bcs i think i'm a bit frustrated right now #not that it's anyone's fault. i'm just. confused right now w myself but i don't mean anything bad by all this okay #i want to just. write. a fictional story rn to calm myself. doing things for myself surely isn't selfish. being myself isn't selfish right? #i can be kind to myself right now too. like other times before. so i will be kind. yes i will be. #there's sm in my head i rlly wish i cld write them all but such is the limit of being human. not too bad tho bcs i have stuff to do #i'll get that done rq n then i'll let myself rest though. until i sleep i'll let myself be at peace n rest c:

[vignetted]

WTF got another job at a non-profit as a coordinator for like kids summer literacy programs... i'm working with another coordinator, 2 weeks of planning out all the stuff and then 7 weeks going to different community centres and places like that, 2 places a day so 10 a week, and you work with volunteers to run a morning/afternoon of activities at each place

#i didn't think i was actually going to get it but the interview was really good #the woman who runs it was really chill and noticed i was studying history #she got her degree in that #plus my volunteer stuff including that board i hate. and apparently the listing fucked up so #she didn't get many good applicants. as she told me LOL #i feel bad they're like stuck with me but also i'm going to do a good job #it's 6hrs a day mon-fri so with luck i can arrange things so it works w my dishwashing job #and $2 above minimum wage slay #can't believe i scammed my way into this

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#sigh #i don't think im ever going to get over losing two close friends... #i can't believe im going through this again.. #Edward if only you were alive and not me.. you would have accomplished so much more than i have in these 17 years since you died #i still can't believe i lost my best friend at 10 years old and now i lost two close close friends again... #so much of me just wants to quit.. i have done nothing to build a future with and i know im not close to anyone #everyone of my friends have closer friends... im just here I'm only living for my parents right now #i can't fathom the pain they'll be in I already attempted before and failed and they have no clue of it that was in 2018... #and now its 2022 an ive lost such great friends again i wish i had the bravery to try again but i can't stop seeing my moms face man fuck #im such a failure of a son of a student and as a friend... i dont deserve to have good things... #I've been stuck like this for years this is all my doing and now im turning 27 and im still not doing anything with my life #i don't think i can take this much longer #i really feel my thoughts getting the better of me and im afraid of what ima do to myself in the future... #whats wrong with me i used to be such a happy cheerful person with always something quirky to say... #and now im just this lonely slob of nothingness that deserve nothing #im wearing myself out with these negative thoughts... i stopped taking my anti depression pills cause i want control of myself not sum pill #i still feel like yall are still here and we can just chill and smoke again #i wish i could be better and do better.. i just want to matter.. i want to feel seen and not forgotten of.. #im just a small note stamp in peoples pages left to be seen peripherally and skipped over i am nothing of use i bring nothing to anyone #i just wish i could die already i wish i could skip to my future death and leave this all behind.. i don't want to die before my parents.. #i can't bear to have my mom cry over me.. i was never good at anything other than being sad and lonely.. whats wrong with me #i just want to be loved to feel seen to feel wanted and not something they can just easily dismiss... i dont care about being a priority #i just want to matter and bring something positive to someone im never a good influence.. im such a horrible person...

[terresdebrume]

You wanna know why my knee jerk reaction to the "stop making everything gay" discourse that pops up on this site every now and then is to go 'fuck off and fuck you'?

It's because I have this friend who, most likely without particularly meaning to, almost always responds to me mentioning two guys on a show may have a smidge of a chance of becoming canon by saying it would be weird, or inconsistent, or by finding an article where the actors hem and haws about characters sexualities and 'you can see it both ways'

And you know what? A lot of the time shipping stuff is just wishful thinking because most tv doesn't go there but it's just... The automatic shooting down of the idea that frustrates me. At best it feels like this is is completely impossible in their mind, at worst it feels like they're looking for arguments to prove I can't possibly be right about characters being queer because... I don't know.

And like... It's not like they're the only one, is the thing. It's the way we'll meaning people try to explain that this is never going to happen in popular shows that isn't specifically about queer characters from the get go. That I'm delusional for daring to think that maybe, some days, the relationships that are built up with everything you need to make a good romantic relationship will actually have a romantic ending and it'll be about main characters and it'll be okay, even if they weren't established as queer from the start!

And frankly? That attitude is just hurtful and frustrating.

It's not even really about shipping--I have plenty of ships I have zero hope or expectation for them becoming canon, but it would be fucking nice, for once, to be able to say 'hey, this one actually might' and not be immediately met with disbelief and denial. Like. Sorry to the (few?) people on Tumblr who tried to use 'stop trying to make everything gay' as a 'there are other identities out there' (a completely valid sentiment) but that is overwhelmingly not the feeling behind that phrase as soon as you step out from behind the screen.... so yeah, I'm really, really not ready to perceive this specific phrase, or its behavioral equivalent, in any way other than a rebuttal for being too queer or too obsessed with queerness, at best.

#Matt has a life #Shit from home #I know I know queer coding still has its place #still will for a long time #It really does! #But it's still 2022 and I'm fucking tired of being met with resistance #every time I dare to say I think a m/m relationship could maybe possibly become canon #I mean FOR FUCK'S SAKE look at how people reacted to OFMD! #It's intensely and obviously framed as a love story from the beginning and the ONLY reason I didn't hold my breath #until Lucius said 'this is happening' is because I ALREADY KNEW Stede/Ed got canon #That's literally it #Otherwise it would hav e taken me THAT LONG to really believe the show intended to go down this road #So yeah the day I stop hearing 'stop making everything gay' and immediately go into feral cat mode is DEFINITELY not there #Urgh #I'm just. #Frustrated and annoyed #and also frustrated and annoyed at myself because I can't figure out if I'm overreacting like I know my family would say #or if this is a cumulation of things just exploding because I'm tired and bleeding from my fucking vagina #All I know is that it hurts even more during pride month and it stucks #ARUMPH GRUMPY GRUMP GRUMPING