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#I cannot emotionally handle it at 3 am
marinehero-a · 1 year
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      <- old man who has no idea how to handle grief / emotions in general
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jcp1765 · 5 months
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there's a little girl at the bar i'm at rn and all i can think abt is when i was that little girl at a bar with my dad and stepmother
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madamevirgo · 12 days
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Here I am, Here I remain.
Pairing: Lady Jessica x (f)reader
Words: 3.9k
Warnings: Spoilers!!, angst, fluff, Chani
A/N: So, I was absolutely not planning on writing a sequel to this, but some of you started asking, and my brain started working, and this came out at 3:30am. There will not be a third part to this, but this is of course not my last Lady Jessica work. Also, note that there are spoilers in this. I have seen Dune: Part 2, 5 times already so it's literally engraved in my brain and on my eyelids. I hope those who wanted a sequel to this little story of mine aren't disappointed. Big shoutout to the person who submitted the original request. If you haven't already, follow me on Twitter so we can be moots and talk about our faves :) Happy reading.
Part 1
After that night, there had been a noticeable shift in your relationship with The Reverend Mother. 
In public, you no longer walked five paces behind. It was more common to see you by her side or no more than a step behind, watching her back like a hawk. So much so so, that people had taken to calling you ‘The Shadow’ - the thought that people saw you as an extension of her, filled you with an indescribable amount of joy.
There was now a certain lightness to the Reverend Mother as if you were the missing piece to her complete acceptance of her new reality. She was quicker to laugh and seemed much more focused and involved in the fate of the Fremen. She had stopped talking to her belly so much as she turned to you, her confidante - sometimes you were more of a sounding board than anything, but you were more than happy to have her throw ideas at you if it helped her in any way. 
In private, things had also changed for the better. It was rare for there to be silence between you two, times in private were spent telling the other of life before each other; and in her case, how she was adapting to her new role and life. She told you of her parentage, she now knew the identity of at least one of her parents, and you had shared how Stilgar had raised you like his own daughter. You had developed a complicity that surpassed friendship, but you also weren’t sure how to describe this thing between you. ‘Friendship’ felt both like a gross oversimplification yet anything else carried an aura of delusion. The lingering looks, the gentle touches exchanged and the comfort that she provided, brought forth feelings that you hadn’t previously experienced. Every moment spent in her company seemed too short. 
It was because you had become so close emotionally, that it had been easy for you to notice oddities in her behaviour. She was more on edge, jumping at loud noises and snapping at the smallest thing. She also watched you as if you would disappear at any moment, which caused her to be clingy and on edge whenever you weren’t next to her. Pretty soon, you had concluded, that she had foreseen something. 
You had tried to broach the subject: “I see that something is troubling you, my lady.” you had whispered one day while you ate in the communal space. “Won’t you share the burden with me, so that you might breathe a little easier, at least?” she had frozen for a second, a change barely visible to untrained eyes, before relaxing.
“I cannot say.” she had said simply before continuing to eat. 
“You don’t deny that it is something?” you exclaimed silently. You had expected her to deny it. “Why won’t you tell me, it is clearly causing you to worry.” You were getting agitated now, and when you noticed some heads looking in your direction with veiled curiosity, you took a deep breath to calm yourself. 
“I have been cursed with knowledge.” she started slowly, quietly - collecting her thoughts as she spoke. “I see many different outcomes for many different decisions, and hear the voices of all those before me whispering in my head. I always worry, sometimes a bit more than usual. I can handle it, what I will not stand for, however, is you asking for things I cannot give.” You flinched, as she continued her rampage. “I cannot share everything with you; because sharing them will not do anything other than put a burden on your shoulder, a burden that I must carry alone.” she finished 
“Bu-” you started
“Enough!” was the command that came out of her mouth. The sheer force of the order had your body recoiling and your mind spinning, forcing you into silence. 
It took you a few seconds before you could regain your senses. You looked around in confusion, before setting your eyes on her, and the shock of the realization caused your eyes to open and your chest to heave. She had used the voice on you. 
She had used the voice on you. 
The communal room had never been so silent. Not even during nighttime, as there were always Fremen patrolling around. Yet, right now it was so quiet that you could hear your heart beating in your ears as your body felt hot with embarrassment, shock and hurt. You sensed a movement in front of you, but before she could say or do anything else, you had stood up and left. Not looking back, and avoiding the eyes that followed you out of the communal space. 
—------------------
Stilgar and Chani were rarely, if ever on the same page. However, one thing that they could agree on, was that you were the best of them. You didn’t agree. Although you did try to control your anger, preferred to think before acting when possible and trusted until proven wrong, you could never escape the Fremen pride. 
The Reverend Mother, Jessica, had in just a second, taken away your free will and reduced you to a puppet. And she did it in front of your people. You were shaking with silent anger, your fists were clenched, and your nails were creating bloody half-moon cuts in your palms. Had it been any other weirding woman - had you been any other Fremen - you would have slit her throat. Instead, you walked away to calm yourself. 
Your steps guided you to your childhood home. You walked right in and slammed the door behind you, closed your eyes and leaned against it for support, before pushing forward with a harsh kick of your feet against the wooden entrance. 
“What did my door do to you?” You meant to go to your room and ruminate in peace, but the voice of your father had you enter the living room where he sat on a cushion he used for prayer and meditation. 
You stayed quiet as you paced up and down the living room, trying and failing to calm down. Never in your life had you been so angry. 
“First my door, now my floor. What is the matter with you?” you heard Stilgar ask, still you didn’t stop. It was only when he grabbed you by your shoulders that you stopped and let out a growl-like sigh. “Come, let’s sit and you can tell me what has angered you so,” he said as he led you to the couch.
You suddenly felt like a child again, like when you would have a nightmare or the other children would tease you to tears and you would run to him. He would sit you on his lap and hug you in his big arms and make everything better, everything would go away. 
Except now, you were an adult with grown-up feelings and responsibilities - and he couldn’t make this - whatever it was - go away. You still told him, about how you’d grown close to Lady Jessica and how she was worried about something, and how when you’d asked, out of concern, she’d used the voice on you. 
You expected him to get just as angry if not more than you, but he remained calm and thoughtful. 
Finally he said: “She said you were asking for things she couldn’t give?” he questioned. 
“Did you not hear the part where I said she used The Voice on me?” you asked in exasperation before getting up and resuming your pacing. 
“Do you know why I assigned you to her?’ he asked instead of answering your question.
“Because I’m your daughter and you trust me? Because I’m one of the best Fedaykin, because I’m a good diplomat? I don’t know father.” You snapped. He was angering you even more. 
“Yes, to all these.” He agreed as you sighed. “But, the real reason I assigned you to the Reverend Mother is because she needs a friend and you are the only person I know who wouldn’t be judgemental, or rude. You would give her a chance before anything else.” He explained as you stopped your pacing to listen to him. “The Bene Gesserit see more than we do, because of their training. A Reverend Mother sees even more. She is cursed with all the knowledge of the past and that of the future while seeing all the outcomes possible. It’s a big responsibility.” He said lost in thought. “It makes for a lonely life. One I have forced her to live. I guess it was only right that I gave her something to help her out.” he finished. 
“I can understand that, but that still doesn’t make up for her removing my free will like that,” You whisper as you sit next to him. 
“You have to understand that pushing her won’t do any good, and although you wish to help yoheru carry this load - you can’t. The only thing you can do is be there for her - by her side - and wait until she comes to you,” he said 
“When will that be?” You whispered 
“When she’ll be ready,” he replied. “Don’t sell yourself short, Y/n. You’ve been a very positive presence in her life.” he hesitated, “I believe that what hurt you the most is the fact that she said she might not be able to give you what you were asking for.” he started, “Perhaps you took it and applied it to some more…romantic feelings of yours.” he finished with a small smile, as I felt heat rush all over my body. 
“Stilgar!” You exclaimed in embarrassment 
“I may be getting old, but my eyes still work. I see how you’ve been around her. This will be something to acknowledge when you’re ready.” he finished and I sighed.
“Thank you, father,” You say with a soft smile, which he returns.
Our moment was interrupted by a loud noise that shook the entire yali, followed by screams. You were immediately on your feet as you rushed out.
Your heart beating widely in your chest. 
—--------------------------------------------
Chaos was everywhere you looked. Children and adults alike rushed to escape the Sietch or to find loved ones lost in the panic as you were being attacked. 
You helped where you could, but you only had one thing on your mind, and that was to find Jessica. You wanted to believe that she had been rushed out by the fanatics of the prophecy, but you wouldn’t leave until you were absolutely sure. Why did I run away like a petulant child? You asked yourself. You’d never forgive yourself if something had happened to her. 
You ran from corner to corner as you helped some of the men and Fedaykin lead the people out to the rocks outside. Stilgar wasn’t too far and was shouting orders for the people to stay calm as rushing would only make things worse. 
You could see some bodies already lathering the floor as people passed you with missing appendages, tears in their eyes and their skin covered in blood. You probably didn’t fare much better - dust had covered your skin and your sight had been hindered. Still, you pushed through. I have to find her.
“Y/n!” You looked to Stilgar. “Get out of here!” He shouted and you shook my head, he sighed and you continued searching around for her, and helping people to the exit. 
From the corner of your eyes, you saw a large boulder rushing towards a little girl who was crying and screaming for her parents. You ran, as fast as you could and swept her up in your arms and out of the way before the rock could hit her. A woman who must have known her, grabbed her from you, and you urged them towards the exit. 
Still, you couldn’t find her, and the attacks didn’t stop. Most people were out, and you hadn’t caught a glimpse of her or even heard a mention of her name. Why did I leave her?
You suddenly found yourself on the ground as you were knocked down. You watched with blurry eyes, as you were trampled on as feet rushed past you. No one stopped to help you. Before you surrendered to the darkness, you heard Stilgar’s voice screaming your name, and your last thought was to Jessica. I hope she’s safe. Please be safe.
—--------------------
You slowly open your eyes to darkness, and for a moment you were afraid you had lost your eyesight. You slowly sat up, every bone in your body protesting and looked around before letting out a sigh of relief. You were in a cave and could see and hear the hustling around.
You got up, your movements slow and tentative before walking out and into the desert. You could see the damage that had been done, people around you were crying, and shouting. So many lost, who had done this? You could feel anger resurfacing in you, and you were suddenly reminded that Jessica was still missing. 
All around you, people were busy doing something as you looked for her. You noticed Shishakli some paces away and quickly walked to her. She noticed you and pulled you in a hug, only slightly hurting you.
“Thank the Maker,” she whispered as you closed your arms around her. “You scared me, Stilgar and Chani have been so worried. We all were,” she said as you separated from the hug, but her hands stayed on your forearms.
You felt a slight pang of guilt at not having spared a thought to her and the others.  
“What happened?” You asked, your voice coming out hoarse.
“Harkonnens” she growled. “They used some primitive explosives on us. Caught us by surprise. We’re treating our wounded before making our way South. A council has been called.” She explained. 
“Is Stilgar in any shape to speak?” You asked in concern, looking around for him. 
“He looks shaken up, but he’ll be okay. I hear he’s pushing for Usul to speak,” she said and you looked at her in shock. Only leaders could speak in the South. 
Surely - No. Paul wouldn’t. Of that you were certain. You had spent enough time with his mother to know what he was and wasn’t capable of. A voice in the back of your head whispered: Paul wouldn’t, but what about the Kwisatz Haderach?
You banished those thoughts. And focused on your friend and what you really cared about. 
“Where is the Reverend Mother?” you asked, the concern and urgency detectable even to your ears. Without a word, Shishakli pointed behind you, where you could see two people standing at the very top of a rock. 
“Her and Usul are discussing as she waits for her palanquin to be ready to leave.” You thanked her, before rushing towards the two Atreides. 
You arrived as their conversation ended and Paul was leaving. He nodded at you in greeting.
“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, with a glance back at his mother. “Take care of my mother and sister for me, will you?” he asked as you nodded. The ‘with my life’ was implied. And he left, seemingly satisfied with your answer. 
You were left alone with his mother. You took a breath before looking at her, she was staring right back at you. Her eyes said more than you could understand. Something about the way she looked at you was different. 
“I’m sorry,” 
“I’m sorry” 
You smiled as you spoke at the same time. “No, wait. I’ll go first.” you started. “I’m sorry I left like that, I was angry. I’m still angry, but I got so scared when I couldn’t find you. I looked around until I passed out, not kn-” You were cut off as you felt yourself rambling.
Jessica had crossed the small distance between you and pulled in a hug, her head resting in the crook of your neck. You held your breath for a moment, before wrapping your arms around her and breathing in her scent. You could finally breathe normally, for the first time since breakfast. 
“I wish you hadn’t looked for me,” she whispered in your neck, making you shiver. “I had to be dragged away. I was so worried when the first attack hit and I couldn’t find you anywhere, I watched and waited for you to come out - and when you finally did...” she hugged you tighter, before stepping away and staring into your eyes. “I’m sorry I used The Voice on you, I shouldn’t have done that. I will never do that again. Not to you.” she whispered the last part as she cupped your cheek with her hand. 
“Thank you,” You whispered, moved by her heartfelt apology and by the fact that she had been so worried about your safety.
She smiled before becoming more serious. “Y/n,” she started, and you looked at her prompting her to continue. “I-” A voice cut her off and you put some distance between you.
“Your palanquin is ready, Reverend Mother.” said a voice at the foot of the rocks, and she thanked the man. 
“In the South,” she said with a sigh. “Everything will come to a head in the South; there, we will talk,” she said as she started her descent to the palanquin. 
—------------------------------------
Except you didn’t talk. Things had been too busy for you to have a moment alone, long enough to put your cards on the table. 
She had become simultaneously more secretive and more caring. And then, Paul had died, and she had remained oddly quiet. 
This was the woman who worried about him daily, while he was fighting with the Fedaykin, yet she stared emotionlessly at the pale face of her firstborn, while others all around wept. Your eyes widened in understanding when Chani came storming in, how not to believe when you are faced with the hard cold facts? Paul was the Kwisatz Haderach, the Lisan al Gaib, the Mahdi. And Jessica was not just a mere Reverend Mother. 
You were in a trance as you followed Chani into a room that had been assigned to her. You watched as she walked around the room, her anger loud and clear. 
“What are you doing?” you asked finally, pushing your thoughts aside to focus on her distress. 
“I’m leaving.” She said as she pushed her clothes into her bag. “I will not watch as we cheer and support our new oppressor. Even if it’s Paul, the man I love.” she said angrily and she harshly wiped a tear from her cheek. 
“I think that’s the problem,” you said softly. 
“What?” she asked as she continued packing and you made yourself comfortable on the bed. 
“The problem is, you love Paul,” you said louder as she looked at you. “You love Paul - that boy who has lost everything and doesn’t know who he is; you love Usul - the man you were trying to create, the one who was escaping his destiny. But are you willing to love the Mahdi, the Lisan al Gaib, and the Kwisatz Haderach?” you continued. “Are you willing to love and accept the person he has to become and the things that he has to do? Stand by his side?” Although you were speaking about her situation, the words echoed with you. 
The weight of the responsibilities which lay on Jessica’s shoulders had only now become clear, and you found yourself thinking about your role in her life, about your feelings.
“What are you doing here?” you looked up at the cold words uttered by Chani and saw the object of your thoughts standing in the doorway. She was dressed down in a simple robe, with no veil obstructing her face, letting you see the tattoos which only served to enhance her beauty. She was beautiful. She was Jessica, not the Reverend Mother with plans within plans - just Jessica. Your heart skipped a beat. 
Her eyes swept across the room, taking in the clothes thrown about and the bag nearly packed to the brim, before meeting your eyes for just a second and settling on Chani. “I came to thank you and wish you good luck in your ventures,” she said softly.
“I don’t need anything from you,” said Chani as she grabbed the rest of her clothes, before making her to the door. I got up to follow her and watched as she stopped next to Jessica. “I hope destroying your son was worth it,” she said angrily, before leaving. You tried to follow her out, but were stopped by a hand on your wrist, forcing you to look at the tattooed woman. 
“Can we talk?” she asked in that same soft tone. You looked at Chani quickly retreating before nodding. You would catch up. 
“What is it?” You asked in an even tone as you sat back down on the bed, effectively putting distance between you. 
“Are you thinking of leaving with Chani?” she asked, not wasting any time. You stared at her. You were considering it, yes. But you also didn’t want to leave her. She must have sensed your indecisiveness. “I’m sorry if you were put off by all that I had to do, and what I will have to do in the future to ensure that the prophecy is completed. I wish I could say this isn’t me, but I’ve been trained for this my whole life, and this is what I’ve become.” she took a deep breath, “There’s been a lot of confusion in my head lately, but one thing I know for sure is that I love you.” she whispered and your heart skipped a beat. “I wasn’t prepared to love you, or anyone for that matter, but I fell for you and only realized when it was too late.” she paused as if to collect her thoughts. “I’m not here to beg you to stay or maybe I am, I’d very much prefer if you did; if only to keep my heart whole. Whatever the case, I had to say it: I love you. Not like I loved my Duke; it’s different but just as strong, if not more. There isn’t any obligation linked to my love for you, yet here I am, and here I shall remain, with my heart in my hands for you to claim - should you want it or not, it’s yours.” she finishes quietly and you stayed quiet as you took the time to process what she just said.
“You are Jessica, loving, caring, funny, sweet, gentle and sensitive. You are a Bene Gesserit, a Reverent Mother, you are the mother of the Kwisatz Haderach: you are driven, controlling, unrelenting, and secretive.” With each word, you took a step until you were right in front of her. “You are all that, and I love you. I will not always agree with what you have to do, or understand, but I will still love you and stand by your side. So here I am, and here I shall remain.” You said, echoing her words. “I will take your heart and cherish it - if you’re willing to take mine and do the same,” You said softly as you felt tears run down your face. 
She looked at you so softly, and traced your cheek with her hand, just as gently, before pulling you impossibly close and whispering: “Your heart will be safe with me” before pressing her lips to yours in a searing kiss. 
The road ahead was patchy, but you would walk it forever if it meant you could stay by her side.
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sillyblues · 11 months
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the ocean and the wind. (6)
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ੈ✩‧₊˚ synopsis: tonowari is the ocean and ronal is the wind. where does it leave you?
ੈ✩‧₊˚ notes: yooo i'm so sorry for the super late update, school got me tied up again aksldnakjd i speedran writing this so if there's any mistakes i am so sorry!! anyways the next part will be the last part and can i just say holy shit??? totw is finally ending and i gen don't know how to feel about this. anyways ive read so much of your replies and i am so honoured and flattered that many of you love this story! i am kissing your forehead as you read this btw xoxo as usual, pls let me know your thoughts and which parts were your favourite! till next time!!
part 1 ✩ part 2 ✩ part 3 ✩ part 4 ✩ part 5 ✩ part 6 (here!) ✩ part 7 (final part)
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Tonowari is at a loss as he watches you ignore him once more. He talked to you before, he asked you where you had been as you seemingly disappeared into thin air for a couple of weeks. He could not see even a glimpse of your hair and the days without you, his head swam in concern and worry. Have you gone sick? Were you okay? Did something happen? 
As the days without any news from gone by, he grew more distracted from his classes and it was the same for Ronal as well. She grew more anxious and distressed as days went by, and without a proper outlet to let it all out, she grew more emotionally unstable. They could only comfort each other but not once has the turbulence in their heart disappear from the thought of you.
When the news of you that you had gotten sick, he felt helpless. He wanted to come into your home and check in on how you were doing, to be by your side and take care of you in any way he and Ronal can, but your mother had not allowed it. He contemplated sneaking inside your pod to at least see you but there he could not disobey the Healer of the clan. So he sighs inside his heart and with a strained smile, he thanks your mother for the news and offered his best wishes for you to get well soon. When he told Ronal of the news, she frowned deeply and huffed. He watched her gather medicinal herbs and nutritious berries before she gripped them hard in her fist and tears welled in her eyes.
“[Name]... I want to see her,” she said in a brittle voice, her face contorted with longing and anguish for you. Tonowari grabbed her face with both of his hands and pushed the hair out of her face.
“I know,” he leaned his forehead against hers and looks at her straight in the eyes. Her tears slipped and rolled down her cheeks silently and his heart broke apart at the sight of her in pain. Helplessness crept up and weigh his heavy heart down once again. Now, Ronal was hurting and there was nothing he could do. “[Name] is strong. We’ll see them back in no time and they will be healthy when they return.”
“And when they do, they will know of the worry we have for them. The painful agony without them and they will laugh at us, tease us at how much of a baby we two are. They will say how we are just giant children that never really aged with how we cannot handle being without them.” He promised her, promised himself, that everything would be okay and would soon return to normal. Ronal let out a snort and she hid in his embrace.
“They will know of the adoration we have for them,” he whispered against her forehead and kissed the top of her head. Fear comes back and it fills his lungs dark blue. But his passion for you outweighs any of his doubts and suddenly he found himself able to breathe underwater. “We will them of beautiful they are, how they fill us with Atokirina. How much love we carry and drown for her. When [Name] returns, they will finally see how we see them.”
“When [Name] returns.” Ronal murmured against his chest with finality.
Hope swelled in Tonowari’s chest but reality burst it open. When he finally saw you again, relief and joy takes away the heavy weight from his shoulders. When he and Ronal came up to you, they were glad they could finally see you and take the Iknimaya with you. However, they were still worried if you were truly well enough to complete the ritual. But that type of worry soon turned into worry about what have they done wrong for you to avoid them.
You weren’t being the usual you, they noticed. Your happy and cheery aura was nowhere to be seen. Your usual rambles turned into small and curt replies. Your genuine smile turned into one he could not recognize anymore as it did not reach your cheeks. You did not see them anymore. He watched you excuse yourself to your other friends and leave him weak and with so much pain. He watched you the whole time during Iknimaya as you avoided his yearning gazes. He watched you as you continued to hurt him unknowingly, or perhaps you did without giving him and Ronal to ask you why. 
You do not see him anymore.
Now, he looks at you, you who is so alluring as you stand underneath the Cove of Ancestors, adorned with the garments your parents had knitted you that fit you so well and your freshly inked chest that represents your big heart that cared for everyone to which he desperately hopes that he and Ronal are included. The bioluminescent Spirit Tree underwater glows so brightly that it still shines on you. Eywa’s creations swims and streaks of light kisses your skin and he could only think how you leave him breathless of your beauty. He finds himself jealous of the water that you stand in and is closer and touches you the way he wants to be with you.
He recalls how you two promised back then that you two would complete your coming-of-age ceremony together and you two did, just not the way he thought it would. Why do you not see him anymore? Do you hate him? Had he done something wrong? Tonowari wanted to beg you and if he has to be on his knees, he will do so without hesitation as long as you tell him and he will do anything for you to see him once more. But he is the Olo’eyktan’s son, the future chief and has an image to show to everyone, as his father tells him every second. But what use is of his position without you?
Ronal grips his hand and looks at him with worry. He presses his lips into a flat lip, a horrible attempt to send her a smile to ease her concerns for him. She squeezes his hand thrice and his heart throbs at the thought of you.
He remembers how you ignored him before and how everything was just like back then. How you avoided him so and how he thought how you must have despised him. How much pain you gave him in months of you pretending he does not exist. You’re so cruel. So, so cruel. What if this time, you truly despise him now? What if he is nothing to you anymore? Can he take it? Can he truly take it and accept a future without you?
Tonowari’s face is suddenly caressed by Ronal. He looks at her in confusion and she just pushes the hair out of his face.
“When they return, they will know of the adoration we have for them,” she says quietly yet her yearning for you that he also feels is apparent, “We will them of beautiful they are, how they fill us with Atokirina. How much love we carry and drown for her.”
She says what he promised her word for word and he chuckles. He catches her hands and he kisses the knuckles of one of her hands. He squeezes the other hand thrice and finishes his promise to her.
“When [Name] returns, they will finally see how we see them.” No. He cannot just accept that you despise him now without telling him any reason why. He cannot just accept that he is nothing to you so easily. He does not want months of avoidance to happen again and perhaps turn into years of pretending he and Ronal does not exist. He will not give in to the voices that cloud his head for he knows you and you could never hate him. You care about him and Ronal too much and he wishes that it is the same care he and her have for you. Even if he did, he will not risk losing the chance of losing you and a future with you because he loves you. Ronal loves you.
“I see you,” he says to Ronal with eyes full of gratefulness that she snapped him out of his spiralling thoughts and love for her.
“I see you,” she replies with the same eyes that make his heart skip a beat. 
He just hopes that you still see both of them and see them the way they see you.
.
.
.
You are cruel. So, so cruel, Ronal thought as she watches you ignore her. When she talked to you after your disappearance, you acted like there was a barrier between the two of you. You placed a vast distance from her and it tore her heart, clawed it open and you left her to bleed so openly when you left and you didn’t even look back once. The pain from the worry and agony for your safety turned into a burning one that fills her lungs with smoke. Why? What did she do for you to despise being in her presence? Has she scared you as well? Have you grown tired of her as well?
She thought this time would be different. That you would be different. That she has finally found love in Tonowari and you and everything will be all and well. That she wouldn’t hurt anyone again, especially you who is one of the most beloved to her. Was everything a lie then? You said that this time would be different. You said that you were here for her. You said you see her. Was it all just a lie?
No, she silently scoffs to herself. She knows you and she sees you. You are kind. You have a big heart. You see everyone. Perhaps you just didn’t see her anymore. Perhaps it was truly her fault that made you turn away from her just like everybody else.
Disgusting. And so, so pathetic. Had she really not learned anything at all? How could she do that to you unknowingly? How could she hurt you, you who is one of the most precious to her? She does not deserve you, you who is so bright and so full of life and love and all she had done is hurt you. Is this Eywa’s punishment for her? For all the sins she had done in the past, all to return and come back to return in the name of [Name]?
“This time will be different, Ronal.” You said, bringing her face in front of yours. You wiped away her tears and assured her. “I’m here for you.”
“I see you.”
Your words ran through Rona’s mind and oh, despite it all, she still wants you. She still believes that you are different. She still believes that you still see her. She would never give up on you just like you had never given up on her when she didn’t want you to see her. She looks at you in your ethereal beauty that knocks the air out of her and she feels herself falling in love again. You stand there like Eywa’s most treasured creation of all time with the way all of life surrounds you. She looks at the three beads you hold in the palm of your hands and wonders if she and Tonowari would be a part of your waytelem. She finds herself envying the wind that ripples through your hair and clothes and is closer and touches you the way he wants to be with you.
And so, she tells Tonowari and tells him how you will know the wind and the ocean that carries their love for you and grips Tonowari’s hand and would not let him give up on you as well.
“Greetings, brother, Ronal,” a friend of Tonowari’s suddenly cut off her thoughts she lets go of Tonowari’s hand. She nods at him while he greeted him back.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of having my brother here before me?” Tonowari chuckles.
“I just wanted to give you my congratulations for completing Iknimaya, our future Olo’eyktan,” his friend grins to him and nods at her, “And of course, our future Tsahìk.”
She frowns at this. What future Tsahìk? She was not aware of this nor the Tsahìk had personally told her of this. She looks at Tonowari with a questioning gaze.
“Future Tsahìk? When did you learn of this?” his eyebrows press into a flat line while his ears twitched.
“Everyone knows this, brother. In fact, we are all surprised [Name] wasn’t chosen,” he told them and realization dawns on Ronal. Do you know of this as well? Is this the reason why you were avoiding them?
Ronal looks at Tonowari with wide eyes. Tonowari grips her hand and looks at her and tells her with his eyes that they both need to talk to you quickly. Perhaps his friend had sensed that there was something wrong as he apologized and asked if he was in the wrong.
“No, no, thank you for telling me this, brother,” Tonowari pats his shoulder and sends him a strained smile, “I’m sorry but Ronal and I need to go now. I will make it up to you soon.”
She and he nods at him before they go to where you were before. You were not there anymore. Panic swells in her chest as the seconds go by she could not see you. She sees a common friend you and her shared and she quickly calls her over.
“Greetings, Ronal and Tonowari. Congratulations on your Iknimaya!” she beams at her.
“Greetings. I’m sorry but there is an urgent matter I need to attend to. Have you seen [Name]?” she hastily says and concern quickly washes over her friend’s face.
“Oh, I think she left early. Why, had something happened?”
“Thank you. There is just something we need to talk to her. I’ll see you soon.” She nods at her and calls for Ilus nearby. As they swim towards her and Tonowari, she cannot help but the questions that plague her mind. What if they were too late and you refuse to hear them out? What if you hate them for the betrayal you must have felt? What if—
“Ronal,” Tonowari grabs caresses her face with one hand and squeezes her hand with another. “Deep breaths. Breathe.”
She looks at him, frustration welling up in her eyes and she bites her lip. “[Name] sees you. She sees us.”
“What if she doesn’t anymore?” she asks the question that gives them immense pain to even think about. What if? What then?
Tonowar’s eyes soften and he tries to hide his flinch. He is silent and both of them could only cling desperately to the hope that you still do.
Oh, Eywa, she begs, Please help them see our innermost thoughts and the sincerity we have in our souls.
Please let them know of the wind and the ocean that calls out their name.
Please let them still see us.
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series-taglist: (tumblr won't let me tag some blogs so if you changed your username, please lmk!) @totesnothere04 @ducks118 @narutoboi @yeosxxx @fanboyluvr @ladylovegood-69 @northsoulss @thatfictionalwh0re @ghostlyworld @toodaloo432 @lovefromjazzy @greendino7 @neteyamforlife @vermilionzombie @vxncxntt @adaiasafira @tsuteysyawntu @mooniequeen @eywas-heir @arminsgfloll @dev1lm4n @myh3artttt @thehoneymushroomhealer @delightcandlelight @shadowmoonlight0604 @dae-dreamer @buttercup-beeee
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buckybarnesss · 8 months
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Bro, the noise I just made. I literally cannot stand the fanon for Stiles or Derek. It is so so soooo bad, I think these people literally have only seen the 2 hour sterek compilation. Every day I am like "who fucking told you people that Derek never smiles and has no sense of humor?"
Stiles gets turned into this big eyed, kitten twink who wouldn't dare to misbehave because he's the sheriff's son (the kid who gets drunk in the WOODS, and gets his dad drunk so he can steal casefiles!!)
Derek like... He is either completely useless and cannot dress himself for a date without fanon!Laura (do not get me started) telling him what to do, or he is so emotionally repressed and damage that he can barely handle someone kissing him without him falling to pieces.
LIKE. Derek smiles. Derek makes jokes!! Derek laughed at Stiles right before the pool scene. Derek knows how to use a cellphone and a laptop. Derek is a goddamn millenial, he knows what grumpy cat is. He knows he's hot, he has a mirror!!
Also... the man lived in New York fucking City. He's not afraid of crowds or talking to people or making out, he uses sex to get his way (Erica and the deputy at the front desk!!)
i know.
like, there's a period of fics that are usually from the s1-2 period that lean pretty hard on derek's dark, brooding and grumpiness from season 1 but of course he was like that. he was going through The Horrors during season 1. he was grieving laura, he was being retraumatized by kate and dealing with scott, stiles and fucking jackson.
he wasn't one dimensional though. his anger was a mask for all the fear, confusion and trying to be in control.
do you know how many fics i've read where people have stiles think about all the apparent physical violence derek has done to stiles as if he's always slamming him into surfaces? way too many to count and it's incorrect. off the top of my head i can count 3 times derek did something like that to stiles. the shove into the wall and slam into the steering wheel in wolf's bane both of which had a point to them. whether or not it was a good emotional response doesn't matter. what matters is that they were not random or part of derek's personality. he didn't just shove stiles into things every time he saw him. the wall shove in s4 with de-aged derek was a deliberate call back to that very instance in wolf's bane. it was literally coupled with the whole cousin miguel bit.
fandom doesn't like to acknowledge that derek hale isn't particularly violent over the course of the show. he hardly even wins the fights he engages in and he is often forced into fights knowing he cannot win.
our boy mostly ends up on the fucking floor.
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derek also does make jokes. dry ones usually he thinks they are hilarious too. he thinks he's a funny guy. his dad joke game must've been off the charts, sorry eli.
he and stiles trade barbs a lot and he thinks stiles is funny. stiles amuses him and he indulges it a few times. he shows off to stiles too like a loser.
he likes to fuck with scott and stiles and enjoys taking the piss out of peter. he genuinely enjoyed fucking with liam in s4.
he's not a luddite either. he has a cellphone and we see him use it. i bet he plays games on it. i bet he plays candy crush and words with friends.
and fanon evolved to strip away that stiles is an asshole. he a violent little freak. he threatens people, he expresses regularly his desire to kill people or have them die, he cares about a very small selection of people in his life and if you're not in that circle than god be with your ass because stiles most definitely won't.
he loves and respects his father but this doesn't mean stiles respects the law which is why i don't know why the law enforcement route was chosen for him. stiles hates rules and boundaries. he chafes at them.
stiles casually helps kira and scott break into evidence to get her cell phone. he tells scott's fbi agent father to fuck himself. he got his dad drunk to get access to case files. he copies people's keys. he's a nosy shit.
the whole show started because stiles was a nosy punk kid who wanted to see a dead body.
but i digress.
fanon stiles had a lot of scott's characteristics projected onto him so they could bash scott. i know there's a lot of people who don't like scott which is fine or whatever but there are so many that do it so they can make a pinata out of a character they've extracted all the good points from and give to their favorite little white boy fav.
stiles "i will beat you with a bat" stilinski is a freaky little shit who will bite you.
do you know how hard i laughed when in s3 stiles and isaac genuinely just like could not stand each other? they couldn't be in the same room with out insulting one another and it was the complete opposite of stiles being oh so sensitive to isaac's past and history than straight up in 3b stiles the epitome of insensitive says to isaac something about still milking it (his abuse). stiles is a dick.
i also genuinely have umbrage with the pack mom trope that stiles gets saddled with. the way fandom has oft feminized stiles leaves a bad taste in my mouth too.
derek and stiles are both assholes and i love them very much.
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autisticlancemcclain · 7 months
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fic rec friday 37
hello and welcome to fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.
1. Fade to Black by @yokohogawa
Things between Keith and Lance are changing but Keith is restless, especially with Shiro still weak, and ends up taking a bad decision: he leaves Lance alone in the Castle with a Lion he cannot pilot. Unable to form Voltron without the newly appointed Red Paladin, the four Paladins left struggle against the sudden attack of a Galra ship and later on take damage from the explosion of a star in close proximity. Lance, on the other end, is left to defend the Castle by himself and has little time to succeed: without energy, the Lions have only 6 hours of breathable air. Beyond that point, his friends will be dead.
okay yes technically this series is unfinished. HOWEVER the first two works ARE finished, and they are amazing showstopping incredible etc. tbh im not much of a black paladin lance fan, i genuinely think solo leadership is not what he is suited for, but this fic made me way more open to it. the way he handled severe crises was as fear stricken as it was awe inspiring highly recommend
2. once again i am a child by @lilaclavenders
“You’re not a spare tyre,” Adam interjects.  “I know that,” Lance says, too unsure to sound completely defensive.   “That almost sounded like a question.” “No... it didn’t,” Lance says.
Lance and Adam talk.
i have always been a fan of lance and adam even tho its the most evidence lacking fanon thing in this fandom. its truly just so interesting. and to have lance as a young cadet getting slammed so badly just in so many different directions being given at least one grownup in his corner...its a good read.
3. Lance the language man by @irish-vampire-blog
Lance didn't really try to learn a language. He just, kind of, picks up the basics and then works from there. Its usually unintentional. Ish.
He isn't stupid though. He isn't an idiot. He just isn't the same kind of smart as his friends are.
this kind of smart for lance is so REAL bc no he cannot do like quantum physics or whatever probably but the way he seems to have a pretty innate ability to successfully do many things that he tries. he just can u know?? thats the autism with the gay audacity i would imagine but i love seeing fics like this
4. my boyfriend's back (and you're gonna get in trouble) by teacupfulofbrains
hey la, hey la, my boyfriend's back
Keith Kogane has never heard of Vine. Lance McClain takes personal offense to this, and makes it his personal mission to teach his boyfriend to meme. Keith is confused, mostly.
(OR: several instances of Keith not getting the meme™ and two times he did)
I LOVE THIS FIC SO BAD I CANT BELIEVE I HAVENT RECCED IT BEFORE. yes i am a cringe zillenial who still finds vine funny and quotes it on the internet but truly idc idc. this fic is funny. this fic is cute. established klance my love and light. also keith comparing lances eyes to the star of bombay is some of the gayest shit ever and also the only time i will entertain blue eyed lance
5. The Most Dangerous Thing is to Love by running_downn
Last time something like this happened to Lance, Keith wasn’t there. He’d thought he would have been able to do something if he had been there, or at least if he was, the guilt wouldn’t be so heavy on his chest. But this time he was there. He was right fucking there and he decided that it was infinitly worse.
~
Basically there's a new threat after the Galra and it almost kills Lance. Desperate making out ensues, but it's okay to recognize when it's not the right time for it. Keith cries a lot cause he's older and grizzled and therefore not as emotionally stunted.
green sock reality? team still out fighting as adults and lance isn’t a fucking farmer while the rest of the team isn’t? keith’s abandonment issues treated with respect and dignity and also the acknowledgement that he’s older and therefore mature enough to handle those issues in a way that doesn’t risk a relationship that is important to him? lance understanding all this and using the supportive nature he is known for??? yes yes yes. stellar fic that should have way more hits than it does
that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!
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cordial-imputresco · 8 months
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One of the most aggravating things in the chonny jash fandom is the feminization and infantilization of heart. If you're my mutual or if we talk a lot you already know where I stand about this but I just need to talk about this with a wider audience before I go insane. Also thanks for 50 followers I promise I'll draw more when I'm not halfway across the globe.
First off, there's no fucking reason to infantilize heart. Genuinely. I think in the album he's only treated like a child when mind called him a boy and a kid. There's no other "proof" other than when MIND LIES ABOUT HEART, and still people write heart like this insolent little kid who cannot do anything for himself.
And, I don't know if these two things are truly related, but as someone who's physically disabled it grinds a particular gear when people make the canon disabled character (anyone who thinks otherwise literally. Why do u want to take rep away from disabled people SOO BADLY) act like a child. I understand it's probably not that for some people but again, why is it so hard to imagine a disabled person who can stick up for themselves?? Heart might rely on soul or mind for certain things since he's blind but he's also his own person. Blindness effects everyone differently but one thing any physically disabled person is sick of it's infantilization and this is still true for fictional characters as well. It's genuinely never okay no matter the context.
Heart is emotionally mature. I'm sorry he is, Heart isn't a 12 year old and Heart has delt with the brunt of the body's emotions for his entire existence. He thinks logically and genuinely makes good points which are rooted in truth while mind makes outrageous claims, constantly makes heart seem like the lesser one and is genuinely so emotionally immature that it's insane. The moment he's given control over their emotions he kinda loses his shit and cannot handle it (the end line of tha and the two songs between THA and TME prove this) and yet people think heart is worse with emotions. Be so honest and give me proof of this other than when he was CONDEMNED TO APATHY.
And if u want proof for that PLEASE just listen to the bidding. Or TSE. Or literally any song that isn't about heart wanting to end his life. He sticks up for himself and specifically he talks back to mind which some fic authors genuinely just forget about?? And I get it write characters how you want to but god am I tired of seeing heart and mind argue and heart could just be replaced with a doll who says the same 3 things. "That's not true :((" "you do that too :(((" and "*sniffle* ur wrong >:((" WHYYYY ARE YOU SO INSISTENT ON MAKING HEART DEPENDENT ON OTHERS THAT HE CANNOT EVEN TALK BACK TO MIND OR SOUL. Heart harbored anger and hate but it seems like some people ignore that and just place him into this box EXACTLY LIKE MIND DID. Why did the mind gaslighting work on you /ref .
Also, since heart is "the emotional side" people lovee to make him feminine and small and it's so upsetting. First off, this idea that emotions r feminine pisses me off because it's just regurgitating misogyny and I'm sick of pretending like it's not. People fucking. Yaoi-ify (only word I can think of right now sorry) heart and mind by making mind this trad masc tall guy with a strong jaw while heart has a softer jawline and is usually smaller. It's so aggravating to me that fanon heart is this soft boi with no genuine fight to him while canonically we have SEEN HIM TALK BACK AND BE MEAN TO MIND??? I get this fandom has a lot of teenagers in it but holy shit can people not do the same shit we were doing 8 fucking years ago with tomtord.
And just one last thing, stop trying to aggressively masculinize mind just because he's emotionally immature and has a deep voice. He's not this intellectual genius debater who is dishing facts towards heart and the few things he does say that are true he says alongside actual lies about heart. Write what you want and draw what you want but please understand the irl implications of your works and understand what type of ideas are you peddling by doing what you're doing.
TLDR: stop being fucking weird about heart and treat him like a grown ass man. He's not a child.
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veryinnovative · 2 months
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I just read e.t and I was wondering can we get some lore behind the agency that james was afraid of?
heyy <3 here's more on the agency.
seeing how things are unfolding atm i doubt i can write e.t. or reach the agency arc anytime soon so ill just post in bullet points what the space agency arc is about + why james out of all people is still traumatized by even the thought of them. if u don't want to be spoiled and are willing to wait the long wait, don't click on read more :) these are the things that happen BEFORE the fic: hehe heavy angst <3 this isn't the fic you thought it was going to be bc the smut
riddle finds out reg is p much copulating with an alien. decides to let it happen because through bio scanners built in the lab he can see reg's chemistry altering. it's like a long-term investment for him
altered bio makeup = harvesting reg's bone marrow or other things and using it for experiments. james is out of bounds but he can get his hands on regulus at least
jegulus fuck at least 3 or 4 solstices together and are romantically involved for like 2 years at least which is enough time for reg's body to have changed
changes consist of slowed again, inhuman recovery/rehabilitation, overall enhanced sense
yadda yadda stuff
riddle succeeds in kidnapping reg (like right a week or two after their last solstice), which is fairly easy compared to kidnapping other slytherin skittles. reg says he is off to a work trip (or so he believed), which isn't unusual, and leaves on a Friday morning
the thing is. he doesn't return Monday morning
instantly. james goes fucking insane. like it's been years and they worked on establishing boundaries but he genuinely loses it when it's night time, reg's phone is still turned off and he doesn't catch his scent for another x miles
by midnight, james is frantically calling everyone to come over to the house
i am not kidding he is hacking into satellites he's vibrating he's worried out of his fucking mind and the fact that the marauders are concerned as well doesn't do anything to soothe him
they try and track down his phone. it's destroyed. in smithereens. they come to the conclusion he's been kidnapped fairly quick and i cannot emphasize just how badly james is losing it. he's struggling to maintain his human form.
evan, pandora, dorcas, they're all escorted out of the house. it's fairly too dangerous to be close to james at this moment
STUFF HAPPENS. figuring things out.
TORTURE TW: in the meantime, regulus is going through horrific shit. he's being experimented on. tortured to spill the truth about james' species and secrets. repeatedly waterboarded. repeatedly hurt to test his recovery period + how much he can handle. being put in water tanks repeatedly to test oxygen capacity. he's going through the worst of it
reg is being held captive in a secret lab in the middle of fucking nowhere like im talking somewhere on an undocumented, deserted island close to point nemo
anyways. james finds out, bc ofc he does. he's long forsaken his human form at this point and goes full alien mode. the marauders can barely fucking keep up with him. he goes single man mode
now we are reaching alien: isolation. containment breach fucking style. i was prepping to switch povs here and write it from a lab workers' pov. like the entire place heavily underestimated james' capabilities
red lights are flashing. the place is on lockdown. people dying left and right. it's dark and the sprinklers went off and there's screaming from levels down and up and everytime you so much as hear something moving through the vents you know you're next
EITHER WAY. james reaches the room reg is being kept in. for a moment it looks like riddle has the upper hand but then james kills him easily. it may look anticlimatic but I'm trying to emphasize on how at his core james is still an alien and can't be emotionally manipulated and how a seemingly big bad villain such as tom riddle can be reduced to something like a pesky fly because humans are that vulnerable when it comes to james' species
anyways this super tender moment where james scoops regulus up and trying not to go ballistic at the sight of his slow-healing sutures or how terribly he looks. he's unresponsive but alive
this is followed by a few more things happening. some marauders communication
sorta recovery hurt/comfort arc incoming where james takes them somewhere north of Greenland in the woods. literally insane no one would ever go there, but that's specifically why
pretty much reg comes to be but he's been so terribly traumatized it's insane. he recoils at physical touch. is verbal but will panic if james so much as gets in his space. like his body heals gradually and is in perfect shape again with some of james' blood but james cant heal the trauma that remains
james gets absolutely fucking depressed. he feels guilty. he let regulus be kidnapped. he wasn't fast enough in rescuing him. they hurt reg bc of him. james killed every single one of them and it still isn't enough because reg cowers if he so much as tries to comb his hair or touch his hand. like it's like they're sent back into the past and reg struggles breathing bc he found out aliens are real
it's just painful bc they cant comfort each other in the way they want to. physical touch is so their thing but they cant do it so they're both just sitting across from each other teary-eyed, crying. reg is hiding himself in a pillow bc even tho his body doesn't hurt, he's still processing everything and james is crying bc he wants to reach out, hold him, assure him he is safe but reg doesn't feel safe and he just failed him on so many fronts. like james is downright suicidal bc of it
some more angst moments. pining. hurting. crying
one day regulus wakes up to an orange cat by his bed. (they're still in a cabin in the woods) and at this point in the story it's been a LONG time since james reverted to clementine (the cat that reg originally adopted that turned out to be james)
clementine is the only one that reg allows to touch him. like he cuddles him and cries into his fur and it's first form of touch he's had in weeks/months
at some point james reveals his alien side to reg for the first time ever. in this form regulus touches him too. kisses him even
just this irony of james always having been afraid that reg would loathe him in his alien form but it's humans that instill this fear in reg after all the torment he's been through
it takes a long while for reg to be entirely comfortable with touch again. esp when james is in human form. like months at least. I'm talking BABY steps. the first time they sleep in a bed, reg allows for their ankles to cross, and he's bawling into his pillow and james is clutching the sheets so tightly like he's tearing them. he just hates himself
just their sort of exposure therapy. the marauders/slytherin skittles coming in again. reg not letting anyone touch him
and yeah the arc progresses. stuff happens. some more angst. their first solstice in ages they cant share together. like at this point they've already been mated for a while and not sharing a solstice is killing both of them, especially james
bc im fucked in the head and cant get enough of writing angst there's a scene of reg gritting out he understands if james needs to spend his solstice w someone else bc reg cant give him what he needs but he would just appreciate it if he was upfront about it and all hell just breaks loose??
need some context for this but years ago when james first became human and they became intimately involved regulus said he encouraged james to experiment and date other people because he doesn't want him to just commit to the first human james meets and james was so upset about this bc he experienced it as rejection so imagine what goes through his mind when reg suggests james do smth like that again when they are MATED
either way. the comfort bit is reached. this is getting too long so im cutting it short here before rambling more: reg recovers. learns how to accept physical touches again. they leave greenland and return to England. james builds them a new house from scratch but still somewhere remote. they had discussed the prospect of starting a family in Greenland earlier but decide to really go for it in their fifth solstice, hence the egging fic <3
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Hello to the worst parallel in the world (affectionate)
@respectthepetty made an entire post about symbolism in Moonlight Chicken that was truly excellent and spurred a conversation in the comments that gave birth to another truly excellent post about potential for the central conflict in Moonlight Chicken.
And as I watch episode 3 I cannot help but think about this moment of foreshadowing at the end of episode 1 and the statement it is making.
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Above is a photo of Wen's ID card with the Marina logo printed on the back of the ID and the words "Wen- Moonlight Chicken- Temp Staff" scrawled in marker on top of the plastic ID cover. The words here block out or overshadow Marina, showing Wen's attention and interest lies in the chicken shop above his interest in Marina.
At this point in the show, I had begun to suspect that Wen (and possibly Alan) would be involved in a Marina project that would potentially threaten the Moonlight Chicken Diner. When Episode 2 aired, this conversation between Kaipa and Jim made me think Marina would just be building new food market territory in the zones around where Moonlight Chicken Diner was located, driving up prices of both rent and food and making it impossible for Jim to continue to operate at the prices he is currently charging:
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Enter Episode 3 where we get the Grand Reveal. Marina is planning on expanding their food court (which we already knew), they are not just going to purchase the buildings and put their own vendors in, they are planning on demolishing the existing structures and build something new over top. And what do we learn about the zones Marina is considering? The zones include the Moonlight Chicken Diner
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And here is where the worst (emotionally) visual parallel comes in to play. The Marina logo with the tagline "creating a sustainable future" printed on top right corner of a photo of the Moonlight Chicken Diner. Looming over top of the building like it's waiting for its moment to strike. Even Jim's green truck is parked in front of the diner in this photo. He's in that diner, he's preparing food for the evening when this photo was taken, completely unaware of the fact that someone is outside, ready to tear his chicken shop to the ground. And respectthepetty, if you are seeing this post, I for one think it is very rude of the blue and red color coding to continue even in this photo with the blue wall and red lanterns.
Something something Moonlight Chicken being written over Marina on Wen's ID something something Marina building on top of the rubble of Moonlight Chicken Diner something something.
Anyway, the gay chicken show has consumed my life and we are only 3 episodes in.
I haven't finished episode 3 yet, only got through part one and felt compelled to make this post so unless they already handle it later on in the episode I am very interested in how Jim will react to finding out that he's the other man once Alan show up in full force, or what I will affectionately be calling 'The Cock Fight" but you know...that's a whole other post.
Also, please do NOT get me started on the irony of Marina's tagline being "creating a sustainable future" when they keep driving prices higher and are only interested in demolition of old historic buildings *cough, cough*
Edit: lmao, not me starting part 2 of episode 3 and having them give me the same parallel immediately.
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waitmyturtles · 4 months
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I was in the midst of a little whiny sesh for the first 20 minutes of Playboyy, episode 3, just wondering when the story was finally going to gel. Going from a tidbit, a hint of a main storyline with the missing Nant, back to the antics of everyone, Zouey, First, and now Captain -- a lot, A LOT, A LOT is happening.
But @ginnymoonbeam threw out a quick flare to say that this show has some real sparks, and once I was able to finish it, I have to say I agree. A lot is happening. Every one of the storylines is heavy-to-super-heavy. It's Cheewin, it's chaotic. But somehow, I found it all compelling. Coherent? I don't think so, not emotionally, not entirely narratively. And @bengiyo noted to me last week that there's something stylish about this show that happens to be grabbing, and I agree.
So let me see if I can get everything in order first...
Zouey and Teena (I cannot get over what a fabulous name Teena is) stopped their shit because of a miscommunication,
First and Soong stopped their shit because of a miscommunication and money woes,
Captain and Coach Keen are now something like a thing,
Keen is also something like a thing with Soong,
Nont is needling into a situation with Prom to dig up more on his brother, Nant, and Prom may also be the dude in the hidden video that Nont found on his brother's laptop, and also Prom might be into webcam dudes, and maybe was the guy that Nont was cam-ming to, but then why did the guy on the other side of the webcam call shut his computer when he say Nont's face, so maybe that wasn't Prom, but Nont's recollections later maybe seemed to indicate that it was Prom?
We have definitely had ensemble shows where there was a lot going on, but THERE'S A LOT A LOT A LOT GOING ON, and again, all of this is heavy. Captain's just gotten spooked by the homophobes on his rugby team, and he's about to actually engage with them on a bet, which, yikes. So, sex addiction, possible sex crimes, possible kidnapping, wealth discrimination, homophobia, etc.
If you know my blog, you know I LOVE awl the themes, and I do really love Cheewin's work, including his insane work on YYY, and the last big show of his that I watched, Bed Friend, also just had stuff after stuff until it came together by episode 6 or so. At least, though, earlier in Bed Friend, we had an idea of what the story was and what was holding it together.
Narratively, here in Playboyy, because each of these NUMEROUS storylines is SO weighty -- it just seems like the Nont/Nant storyline doesn't have enough room to breathe. And it's really compelling! Nont is feeling forced to take every last step his brother took to retrace his brother's last locations.
Whew, I mean. Each of these storylines is actually kind-of-good-to-very-good. But I think in fiction -- we have to kill our darlings sometimes. Where will the Captain/Keen storyline take us? Will the Zouey/Teena storyline remain compelling for us to watch as Zouey continues to waver on his comfort in intimacy? Is Soong really judging First for money? What was that whole thing of calling him "baby" at the end?
I'm dithering a bit. I am getting attached to this show, I can feel it, but it's a lot to handle. I'm especially feeling compelled to stick with the show after Den Panuwat's hints about what he wanted to say about queer sex that he couldn't say in Only Friends. I think I just wish the show was slightly easier to watch simply by way of the number of storylines that we're tracking -- because with EVERY storyline we have, we have less time to spend on the ones that are carrying the real weight of the show.
But I'm sticking with this! Stylistically? There is still a lot to love.
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azems-familiar · 11 months
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any thoughts on Cal's embracing the darkness? specifically...darkside!cal/bode.....👀
oh BOY do i have thoughts, actually. for both of these. i'm actually currently working on a fic (sitting at a little over 5k and probably going to be ~10k when it's done) which goes AU on Nova Garon and involves Cal fighting Bode there.
thoughts on Cal falling in general: yes, absolutely, i am so here for it, i love corruption arcs and i feel like this one is really well-built. from the beginning of the game we see how he's been struggling, how he's gotten darker and darker over the gap - he no longer reaches out to Ninth Sister (that it's time to set you free line right before he murders the shit out of her made me GASP), he's been working with Saw (who we know to use a lot of unsavory methods to the point that it got him disowned from the greater rebel alliance), he's been alone (which he never handles well At All). he consistently chooses to fight even when he shouldn't, he's not letting go of anything, he's gotten desperate. it makes sense. to me, Cal is the kind of person who pretends he's fine until he absolutely cannot anymore, whether that's hiding injuries or willfully refusing to realize he can't cope with things emotionally, and i feel like that's fairly well supported by the fact that the rest of the found family has each gone their own ways because they needed to make strides forward for themselves they couldn't while they were with him, no matter how much they love him, and because they can't help him until/unless he wants to be helped.
Cal also doesn't handle betrayal well, on top of Cere's death being the second time he's lost a master. to me, it's no surprise that he completely snaps on Jedha, and i think his fall is reinforced by a) the massacre on Nova Garon b) the fact that he outright refuses to listen to/understand Bode. Cal i think has a very black and white worldview due to his trauma and his youth in which he sees the Empire as a monolith and puts the crimes of the Empire onto every single person who serves it, and he struggles to understand why people would give in rather than choose to fight. i think we spend the game with him watching him run more and more on anger against the Empire as well as his desperation for Tanalorr, and that anger becomes more and more selfish until we get the snap on Jedha. honestly i think with the way the early game was written, even if Cere hadn't died, he would've still fallen, just possibly not when he did. it's been building up to that.
(i also love redemption arcs, i will say, but for a truly satisfying redemption arc you have to hit rock bottom first, and i want to push Cal there.)
in terms of fallen!Cal/Bode - also very much for this. part of this is just because i think the two of them killing people as fallen Jedi together is attractive and also what they deserve <3 but honestly narratively i think it just... works. mostly we'd just need Cal to work through his anger at the betrayal and actually properly understand why Bode did what he did (which is what i'm working on in the oneshot i'm writing), and to find a solution for everything that assuages Bode's paranoia. i do also think that with time, Bode could be convinced to return to fighting the Empire, especially if he knew Kata would be safe while he did it, but he's been through a lot and he's not there yet. but it's very clear that he doesn't like the Empire (only working with the ISB because he sees it as the only way to keep Kata safe), and i think it's also quite clear that he cares a great deal about Cal and didn't want to betray him at the point he did, but that he saw it as a choice between Cal's safety and Kata's safety and the latter had to be his highest priority. i absolutely don't think he'd find fallen!Cal any kind of turn-off, let's be real here, and honestly it's a dynamic i want to explore more of, maybe in AUs or something? i'm tossing around an inquisitor!Bode enemies to lovers au concept that might eventually turn into a fic at some point...
i may have gone slightly off topic here. anyway my thoughts on these are Yes, Yes, and More Yes, also i will go into an explanation of why i think Cal is actually fallen and not just struggling if people want. and also my final thought is that the Dagan parallel in this game is actually Cal and i will expand on this if asked to
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Seven Essentials Dominant Men Want From Their submissive wives
1. Praise and Approval
Men have egos, and Dominant Men attempt to hide Their egos.   A submissive wife must understand that her Husband needs frequent reassurances about His Dominance, His career path, His adequacy as a Husband, His potency in the bedroom, and His attractiveness, to name a few.
The Dominant Husband wants His submissive wife to tell Him what she likes about Him.   The Dominant Man typically needs far less verbal praise than His submissive wife, and however, this differs from the activity that requires keeping a scorecard.   The submissive wife should communicate her praise and approval to her Dominant Husband more often.
As a submissive wife, she should let your praise and approval be known to her Dominant Husband.   she should tell Him exactly what she finds attractive about Him.   she can say to Him what physical features of His are her favorites.   she should tell Him how submissive she feels when He says something in a particular way, when He accomplishes something, or when He takes her out on a date.   Her genuine praise will make Him feel His Dominance and help Him feel loved.
2. Respect
Men feel Respect as love.   Dominant Men especially need Respect to feel loved.
When a Dominant Husband feels like His submissive wife disapproves of Him, His career, or the elements that He believes are basic to who He is as a Man, He will have difficulty trusting and loving her.   His thought process behind this is, ‘If my submissive wife does not Respect who I am at My core, how can she want what is best for Me?’
When a Dominant Husband’s submissive wife does not Respect His path or mission in life, He will find it very difficult to feel anything other than an uneasy need to distance Himself from her.
3. A Sense Of Sexual Connection
Both Men and girls connect through sex and communication. However, girls generally connect better through communication, and Men connect better through sex.   This does not mean that the Dominant Husband needs to have sex with His submissive wife every day to feel connected.   More often than not, Men connect through indicators of sexuality just as much as They do through sex. 
The Dominant Husband will often initiate sex to ensure His submissive wife is still sexually available to Him.   As a submissive wife, when He reaches across the bed for her, showing His willingness to embrace Him, kiss Him deeply, and engage Him can be enough to make Him feel loved.   
The lack of attention to girls needing to connect through words and Men needing to connect through sex frequently turns a relationship into an unfortunate and rapid downward spiral.   A girl does desire to open up sexually until she feels connected to her Man. However, He finds it challenging to communicate with her because T/they have not been physical with each other.   For this reason, Dominant Men and submissive girls are drawn to Power Exchange relationships partly because of the communication the submissive girl needs and the sexual connection the Dominant Man needs, which is a foundation of the dynamic.   
To avoid unintentional standoffs, Dominant Husband and submissive wife need to communicate and discover what specifically the O/other needs for T/them to feel the most loved.
4. Emotional Intimacy
From a young age, Dominant Men are taught to avoid appearing weak.   Perceived ‘weakness’ includes complaining, divulging fears or concerns, and expressing self-doubt or worry. 
As a submissive wife, she is her Dominant Husband’s ‘safe space’ to fail, as He can expose the cracks in His armor and allow her to help Him heal.   Just as girls need to open up sexually within a relationship slowly, Men open up emotionally over time.   The Dominant Husband must know the first time He cries in front of His submissive wife that she will not be repelled or handle it poorly.
As a submissive wife, if she pushes her Dominant Husband away or cannot be nurturing when He needs it the most, He will no longer trust her with His emotions and remove Himself to some extent from the relationship.   
In this event, both Dominant Husband and submissive wife lose as He goes on silently suffering and believing that He is flawed in His imperfection.   she is emotionally kept at arm’s length.
5. Space
Masculine Men are primarily drawn towards independence, and feminine girls towards intimacy.   This is what has been coined the Masculine/feminine divide.   This divide comes down to the Dominant Husband enjoying time spent apart and the submissive wife enjoying more time together.
It is essential to understand that there is no perfect balance to the Masculine/feminine divide.   There will always be a balancing act of closeness and separateness between the Dominant Husband and the submissive wife.   As a submissive wife, suffocating her Man by either failing to allow Him free time or with overly jealous behavior is the fasted way to destroy a marriage.   Men need breathing room in a relationship, and Men need space.   Men need time for hobbies, time with Their friends, and time to toil away on His projects to feel fulfilled.
Traditionally, when girls needed to solve a problem, they would go further into the community, connecting with close friends and family and discussing their issues.   Conversely, when Men have a problem to solve, they leave the community to be alone with Their thoughts.
As a submissive wife, she should not resist His roaming.   Allow Him to breathe.   Leave Him to His own devices.   A Dominant Man will be much happier for His submissive wife to receive Him when He returns, knowing that she trusts Him and the strength of T/their marital bond is enough not to resist Him having His space.
6. Physical Touch
Dominant Men need frequent non-sexual touch and a sense of sexual connection.   As a submissive wife, coming up behind her Dominant Husband and lovingly touching His neck and hair while He sits absorbed in a task can make Him feel as loved as if T/they had sex in the bedroom.
A submissive wife’s touch is interpreted as physical love; the message registered is ‘i love you, and i want you to feel happy all the time.   Know that i am always here for you, and i care for your deeply.’
7. Security
Both Men and girls are attracted to certainty in a relationship.   The more the Dominant Man feels HIs girl is in the relationship for life, the more ready and able He is to open up to her, assuming He is equally invested in her.
However, security is more profound than the fact that His submissive wife will not leave Him.   The security that He feels ties back into several of these essentials.   The Dominant Husband feels secure knowing that his submissive wife approves of Him and where He is in His career.   He feels safe and loved when she touches Him non-sexually throughout the day.   
He feels secure when He is allowed to have His Men’s night away from her, and she does not need to call or text Him every half hour to check-in.   And He feels secure with a submissive wife who takes steps to love Him the way He needs most.
How To Give Him What He Needs
As a submissive wife, this is not about blame, fault-finding, or doing anything wrong.   Marriage is about loving your Dominant Husband the best way He can be loved and opening up a dialogue about emotional needs in the union.
Love Languages
Suppose the Dominant Husband’s way of expressing His love is to whisper sweet nothings into His submissive wife’s ear, or He tends to give compliments. In this case, His love language is ‘words of affirmation,’ according to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.   The book outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls ‘love languages.’
The remaining love languages are about showing rather than telling someone how T/they feel.   Helping to fix the car or bake a cake translates to ‘acts of service.’   Huggers and kissers speak the language of ‘physical touch.’   If T/they tend to give special gifts just because T/they speak the love language of ‘receiving gifts.’   Finally, if T/they just want to hang out, T/their love language is ‘quality time.”
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bluravenite · 7 months
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Can people please put content tags and warnings when they talk about regressed ghouls????
CW: mentions of trauma and abuse, fetishization of age regression, sexual abuse, parenting? Just complaining about people romanticizing age regression, trauma, abuse and treating other mental illness/disorders badly... Also very brief mentions of self harm and eating disorders...
Summary: I'm upset
I feel like people baby ghouls a lot, and while I understand that age reg and little space is a trauma coping mechanism, trust me.. I know... I also just feel like sometimes I open Tumblr to a bunch of people babying ghouls in ways that make me upset...
I think often the way people handle regressed ghouls is by treating them like dumb little babies, instead of the actual procedures that should take place to ensure someone who is regressed is emotionally and physically safe... It's not just about which toys they love playing with, or which sippy cup they use most, it's also not A GATEWAY FOR YOU TO WRITE AGE REGRESSION AS A SEXUAL FETISH, I understand that sometimes when you regress your body may still experience those feelings, but mentally???? It's not going to be safe or enjoyable, cannot consent properly either BECAUSE ITS UNDER A TRAUMA RESPONSE, and also??? It can be even more traumatic and DANGEROUS for a person HANDLING a regressed individual, to engage in sexual acts WITH A REGRESSED INDIVIDUAL
I get that Tumblr used headcanons as comfort, but if you're going to talk about traumatized ghouls experiencing age regression and instead of having people/other ghouls take care of them safely and properly, then I can't stop you but at least TAG THEM PROPERLY??? This goes to mentions of SH and EDS, should not be romanticized... Can it be talked about? Part of a story? Yes, just like it can be part of people's lives and needs to be discussed... But please just don't romanticize it... Don't make regressed ghouls engage in it too if you're not going to properly explain the content and the reasons why it's there.
I have my own way of dealing with small children, age regressed individuals (and littles)... It may not be correct, but it caters towards listening to the individual I am responsible for taking care of...
You don't know what they want or need, you need to talk to them and ask them how they're feeling, how you can help, what they would like, what is safest for them. Get them something of comfort, something for entertainment, and at all costs try to ensure their safety, even if you fail, you can talk them through calming down. I do understand that 1. Children can be difficult sometimes, it depends a lot on the kid... 2. Not all instances will have bad experiences or feelings involved, but sometimes they might, which is why you need to understand age regression is a trauma response... 3. You cannot treat children as dumb brainless babies, AND YOU SHOULD NOT TREAT AGE REGRESSED INDIVIDUALS HAVING TROUBLE PROCESSING EMOTIONS like CHILDREN.
My point being, just try to learn some gentle parenting. It doesn't always work, it doesn't always ensure everyone's safety... Yes you can still have your cute headcanons of things people enjoy and it does not have to be exclusive to age regression...
I have spent entire summers volunteering with special needs and disabled kids, as well as having my own mental issues and disorders and I'm just tired of seeing people treat a lot of them like they're toys to play with and sexualize... And since I know I can't stop anyone from doing that, AT LEAST FOR SATAN'S BELOVED COCK, USE TAGS
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youbutstupid · 8 months
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Opinions on Ted Lasso (contains spoilers from all three seasons)
- Nate’s redemption arc was amazing and whilst I hated him with my whole being during his West Ham management, and whilst there was no excuse to what he did, I do see the reasoning behind his breakdown. The fact that the whole team learned to forgive him by following Ted’s example was gorgeous. And also the quote ‘I hope that either none of us or all of us are judged by our actions in our weakest moments’ is gorgeous. It was really well executed
- Keeley, Sam and Ted are the most emotionally mature people on the show and by following their example, they taught the other characters how to handle their emotions too
- Keeley and Roy were an amazing pair but their breakup needed to happen. Keeley needed to be able to focus on her own life without men and Roy needed to figure himself out
- Jamie and Roy have a great friendship, but I cannot agree they have the best friendship on the show when Beard and Ted are right there.
- The Sunflower episode in season 3 is the greatest episode of the entire series.
- Ted’s POV in that episode was so strangely comforting. Watching him sit there in a weird knockoff American restaurant, eating chips and watching old basketball games in the middle of the night hit different
- Sam and Rebecca should not have been together
- Colin and Isaac also had great redemption arcs that are never talked about
- Jamie should never forgive his dad. The years of abuse he was put through + what he said about what his dad did to him when they went to Amsterdam? Disgusting. I am glad he is getting sober but he is an awful human
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themagnusbane · 1 year
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GAP The Series Episode 7 Thoughts
Happy New Year everyone. The sapphics are here to own 2023!!!
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And of course we are starting with Kirk the Snitch, Kirk the Traitor, Kirk the Betrayer, Kirk the Backstabber, on his knees with that fucking ring and his fucking proposal, and URGH, everyone is pressuring her to say yes. I HATE THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!
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2, Good. I hope you feel as stupid as you look Kirk; holding onto that ring box whilst Sam runs away from your ass without giving you an answer. Hope somewhere in that brain you aren't using, you get a semblance of a clue!
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3, Oh God. They really hit us straight away with the pain. Poor Mon. My baby. This pain! And now she's doing the flashbacks to the friends asking about her relationship with Sam? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! I can't handle this!!!!
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4. Why are you asking for time to clear things up Sam? There's nothing to clear up. Just tell him "No." Urgh!!! And before anyone starts talking, yes I know she doesn't have a choice and her grandmother has set things up in a way where she has no choice but to kowtow to her, but dammit I don't care. And that's my prerogative!
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5. Ngl, if I show up at the office early, and notice that there's no one around, only for something to suddenly touch me from behind, I'm screaming like a banshee and hitting like a Shaolin master.
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6. Now they've switched roles. It's Mon's turn to come knocking at Sam's door in the hopes that she will let her in. Let it not be said that Sammon are not equal-opportunity lovers.
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7. Damn. Sam really took the two days that Mon wasn't at work to be all "HOW CAN I HURT THE GIRL I LIKE FOR NO REASON APPARENTLY BECAUSE... DRAMA!!!!" Because fuck if this isn't unnecessarily. Seriously, this is going to come around and bite her in the ass, and I hope Mon demands that she FUCKING GROVELS, when she finally gets her head out of her ass because WHAT THE FUCK???????????
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8. But seriously though. This is shitty behaviour. As her boss, if she wasn't so wrapped up in her fucking feelings, and emotionally constipated, having a new account reach 499k in a month is something you reward and encourage, even if you want to put in the screws for your employee to meet the deadline. Mon is being generous by saying that Sam is a stickler for rules at work, because this is clearly not about work, but instead, Sam is letting her personal feelings cloud her professional judgement and this is really trash. URGH!!! I knew this episode would frustrate me to no end, but WTF?!!!!
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9. See what I mean? Now poor Mon is thinking that the fault is with her. That she's to blame for Sam being an absolute DICK. And I can't. URGH!!! Mon girl, I am so sorry. You do not deserve this. This is why they say never meet your idols y'all. That's when you find out that they have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. URGH!!!!
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10. Sam has the best friends. I swear she must have saved someone pretty important in her previous life with how hard they are working to right her wrongs and comfort her girl.
11. But also TEE MY QUEEN. MY LOVE. THAT SUIT!!! ALL HAIL LESBIAN JESUS FOR TEE'S SUIT!! Ghgjhgjhghjghjgjhghjg. I want to climb that woman like a tree, and touch her EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE!!!!
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12. You see that lesbian sprawl. Those crossed and arms spread across the top of the bench? GHJGHJGHJGJHGHJGHJG. Tee clearly wants me dead. She wants me dead and horny. Horny and dead. Dead with horny. Words I don't know her. TEEEEEEEEE!!!! Come sit on my face. I beg you!!
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13. And now she has her hands in her pocket???????? She wants to kill me y'all. TEE HAS FUCKING KILLED ME! First hands in her pocket, now she's steepled those gorgeous lean fingers, talking about her considering giving Mon a job? A queen. An icon. A fucking goddess.
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14. I love how Sam's friends have basically adopted Mon at this moment. I know all the talk about how great Mon would be working at Tee's is just to get Sam jealous, but honestly they really are coming through for my girl.
15. You absolutely cannot hire Mon my ass. Sam, get YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND TREAT THAT GIRL RIGHT!!!
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16. Awwwww. Her coworkers are so sweet and so kind. Mon sweetheart, you deserve the world.
17. And now she's crying and saying goodbye and I know Sam keeps wanting to interrupt her to be all "I've changed my mind about firing you. Blah Blah Blah", but I honestly wish that when she turns around and says that bullshit, Mon is like "nope. You can't keep treating my emotions like I'm a fucking yo-yo. I'm out". Like I just need her to let all her inner brat shine through because this... THIS IS NOT OKAY! THIS IS NOT OKAY AT ALL AND I AM LIVID!!! URGH!!!
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18. Aaaaaaaand of course, rather than apologize for having been an unreasonable dick, and following up with asking Mon sincerely, to stay, she's back with the "that was yesterday. Today, I don't want you to leave" and I'm...
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19. Atta girl! Hand in that resignation. Let her work for it. Have her GROVEL to get you back. What in the nonsense!
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20. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!! She actually confessed??? She actually CONFESSED?????? But you know what? No. Stand firm Mon. Stand firm. Don't be swayed. I know she looks desperate with her "I like you". But don't weaken. Get her to grovel. You deserve that after all the heartache. Don't give in just yet. LET SAM WORK FOR IT!!!!
21. Gghjghjgjhghjghjghjghj. Sam's frustrated, "Girl what do you WANT?" expression is sending me!!! Mon is so fucking stupid. These two deserve each other. Mon. Girl. Sure she always says the opposite of what she means. But that's because she's emotionally constipated. And now that she's released her emotions with one loud, big fart, she's telling you EXACTLY how she feels. But the ONE braincell you both keep exchanging, seems to be with Sam at the moment, which is making you an absolute dumbass. And I'm LOVING IT!!!!
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22. Look at Tee and Yuki sitting right beside each other. My babies!! My beautiful secondary ship. They look sooo good together. Gah!!!! Look at that pretty! LOOK AT ALL THAT PRETTY!!!!!
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23. I repeat, Sam doesn't know just how amazing her friends are! Look at them putting in the WORK, to help her get the girl she likes! Sam, you lucky bitch!
24. I SAW THAT YUKI!!! That casual "I'm frustrated with the stupidity of my friend" touch that she gave Tee. I SAW THAT!!!!! Hehehehehe.
25. They're holding her hands so gently to the finish line of her confessing her emotions. GAH!!! And their glee when Mon confesses to liking Sam and wanting to date her? My heart!!!!! All of them are such good eggs. What amazing women. AMAZING!!! Sam, you have no idea how lucky you are!
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26. What perfect timing indeed. Sam's friends are ME! I am Sam's friends!! Gghghjgjhghjghjghjg.
27. Sam: "I don't like you. I like you. I hate you. I like you."
Mon: "You hate me. If you don't hate me, then be my girlfriend"
Sam: Yes!
This is the dumbest confession scene ever, and it is so fitting for my two beloved idiots, and their singular, shared braincell!! Ggjhghjghjghjghjgjhghjghj.
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28. Yuki almost popping out through those bars with how giddy she is, seeing Sam and Mon get together is such a mood!!!!!
29. Tee just called herself the MASTER of ALL things. And you all KNOW what that means! TEE. ALL I NEED IS A NIGHT. JUST ONE NIGHT. WITH YOU. THAT'S ALL. I NEED YOU TO WRECK AND RUIN ME FOREVER!!!!!
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30. Why was I stupid for a moment, to forget that these two share only one braincell. What in the... "SAM! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY NOW THAT YOU'RE LOVERS, YOU CAN SHARE MONEY????" That's not the ONLY thing you can share you big dumb dumb! You can also share body fluids! BODY FLUIDS SAM! Share them! Oh lord have mercy. Someone save me from this girl!!!
31. Sam you absolute dumbass. That's why you were forcing her to resign? Then why not just tell her then??? Instead of inflicting so much pain???
32. The saccharine sweetness of their dating montage. I can't. I can't. It's so sweet and so cute and I am dissolving into a puddle. Send help!!! How are they so cute?????? GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It made all that pain WORTH IT!!!
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33. The way Mon was like "Sam, you're terrible at subterfuge. Ya totally didn't buy that nonsense about shopping alone" made me cackle!!!
34. The speed with which Sam was like "I want to get you out of your clothes. Let's take a bath together" is sending me!!!!
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35. That promise to be more straightforward and honest with her moving forward? My heart!!! How precious. Sam honest and aware of her feelings is an absolute delight. She really is on that Queen-level shit!!!!
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36. Mon is living my dream. Imagine being all soaped up with your crush and idol and lover in a bathtub. I would float. How is Mon able to breathe. That was so hot and soft and GAH! My heart!!!
Also, that preview is GIVING!!!!! Sam and Mon have sex. Kirk brings his heterosexual drama? It looks like we are in for another rollercoaster. But I know I'll survive it easily, cuz my faves are FINALLY together, and now I can have some peace. Until the drama comes in the later episode courtesy of Sam's grandmother (cuz we know that witch just won't leave things be!). But until then, I shall enjoy every moment of sweetness we get!!!
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lukeofe · 10 months
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Guardians of the Galaxy 3, Rocket, And Why I Keep Thinking About This Damned CGI Raccoon
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOLUME 3 SPOILERS AHEAD
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For much of early to mid 2023, I had been in a rut. My work on personal writing projects had ground to a halt, and I was now more focused on the minutia of specific lines and the emotions they conveyed in the moment rather than seeing the overall work for what it was. I was anxious, terrified that I didn't know whether I was saving my work with any given edit or ruining it.
Eventually, I figured it was time to take a break from the things. Time to let my mind rest so I could let go of this arbitrarily high standard I had set for myself. While this relieved my anxiety, it brought about a new ailment: a sense of depressing aimlessness. I had dedicated essentially my entire life to my work for so long that to be without it felt wrong. I realized that ever since I'd went all-hands-on-deck with my perfectionism streak, I had taken to eating the exact same meal three times a day. I had stopped going outside. I had stopped listening to music. My passion for life had disappeared without me realizing it, and I was left with nothing but dark musings on my own mortality and the unshakable notion that I was wasting time. That I no longer had purpose.
I was never really invested in Disney's Marvel Cinematic Universe. I had seen some of the films, but did not feel overly attached to them outside of "Hey, that was a cool movie." The one aspect of it that both I and my family came to the theaters for whenever a new entry released was Guardians of the Galaxy. I've always been fascinated by the space opera genre (there's a reason I write so much of it) and James Gunn is great at weaving comedy and sincerity into his work in equal measure to create characters that are easy to care about, something I cannot say for other aspects of the MCU. Still though, my fandom of Guardians' characters was only in passing... until in May of 2023, when I watched Volume 3 on a whim.
I'm sure you've heard of the 'Gifted Kid to Anxious Adult Pipeline.' It's something I'm fairly sure I experienced first-hand. When I was young I was considered smart for my age. I was also considered a troublemaker who hated listening to authority. At the time, I had yet to be diagnosed with Autism or ADHD, so I'm sure my teachers and the other adults that interacted with me simply thought I was 'disobedient' and just needed to 'apply myself.' I suspect that this notion carried over into my modern life and education somewhat as well.
Once I had my diagnoses, I knew that I was different. I knew I had a reason to not concern myself with being in line with what was trendy or popular, and I had a prime excuse to violate the social norms I hated most. It also made me incredibly aware of how specific the aptitudes I possessed were. I am no savant, but I've heard from a lot of people that I'm good at what I do, probably on account of me pushing myself to fully commit to whatever task I engage in to the point of anxiety-inducing perfectionism. I suppose that's symptomatic of the high expectations people had for me in my youth.
Something that probably didn't help was the fact that my ADHD makes it incredibly challenging for me to focus on things I'm not burningly passionate about. I can handle whatever task is thrown at me, but it's extremely emotionally distressing unless I want to do it. It's not a sensation of boredom or irresponsibility, but a deep pain that registers on a level beyond the physical.
The common core education system didn't care, though. It, and all of the adults in my life, demanded success above all else. And so I pushed myself to success above all else. The latter half of my education felt like a constant struggle to survive, a battle against my own nature to ensure that I could secure a comfortable future (and so I would not lose the things that made me truly and wholly happy - my video games and my comfort objects, i.e. stuffed animals and inflatables.) The cost of this battle was only my happiness, and to some extent, my personhood.
The time that I began this 'fight for my life' in my education was also the time that my older cousin began to have a major presence in my life. He'd grown up rougher than me, adapting to become more 'street smart' to avoid hazing from bullies. I think he saw me, a neurodivergent, scrawny, and likely pretty obviously queer kid, and wanted to make sure I was safe from the riff-raff he was used to. So he tried to toughen me up. He taught me how to walk right, what clothes to wear, how to keep my voice and head down to avoid trouble with the older kids, etc. (He even advised me to burn my collection of stuffed animals - advice I will never regret ignoring!)
I think it was this, the growing disparity between my perception of maturity and my own comforts, and the overall apathy of the world around me towards my academically-based emotional distress, that made me into a more reserved person as I became a teenager. I already had trouble making friends, considering that so much about my interests and personality were - and still are - intrinsically based in the nebulous, indescribable web of my life experiences. But this was the turning point that rendered me closed off from almost everybody, save for those few special people I could and can still be candid and emotionally open with. I became afraid to make new friends, scared that the more they'd find out about me the more they'd realize how strange I was, and say or do something horrible to me or the things I love.
I wanted to share this experience and the way it made me feel with others, and I think that's why all of these sentiments (intentionally or not) worked their way into my writing.
(I swear this is about Rocket, just be patient.)
My main story, WarTorn, is set in a space opera universe where humans and anthropomorphic animals co-exist, and sometimes groups of the former decide to try to destroy the latter in big wars that are metaphors for religious persecution of LGBTQ+ people, and there are ancient secrets left behind by past intergalactic civilizations, and so on and so forth, but for the sake of this current topic of conversation there is only one aspect that matters: the main character, the namesake of my online presence, Luke Sanders.
Luke is spotted out as a child by the government of the human-anthro' Coalition to take part in a Super-Soldier program to destroy the puritanical anti-anthro' army that has risen in the dark corners of this fiction's Galaxy. They take him and a bunch of other children, both human and anthro's, and mold them into the soldiers the Galaxy needs them to be. Luke becomes a hero, but after all of the brutal training, extensive education and brainwashing, and the agonizing and near-fatal chemical and cybernetic augmentations, he has lost his personhood. He sees himself as a machine, existing only to serve and be a beacon of strength to the people he protects, burying his emotions so he can't be judged for them. But while he attempts throughout the story to steel himself from his emotion, it subconsciously slips in anyways.
From the beginning of the military career he lost his childhood training for, his life is painted by tragedy. He loses his childhood best friend early on, and his lover much later, both people he had formed bonds with that defied physical description. Every loss becomes not just an emotional toll but a personal failure, and he beats himself up for not being able to meet the expectations placed upon his shoulders. Eventually he becomes so afraid of losing the ones he loves that he stops loving altogether, and becomes even more stoic and isolated than before. It's only after circumstance forces him to create new bonds and become close with new friends that he realizes that he is indeed a person, that his feelings matter, and that the time he spends with the ones he loves while he has them make all the heartbreak worth it. Later, when Luke and the Coalition finally win the conflict against the puritanical threat that has gripped the Galaxy for years, and Luke is able to get his happily ever after, he can't help but feel aimless in a universe where he no longer has purpose. His journey becomes finding a purpose of his own, fully becoming a person, finally free of the high expectations he likely imposed upon himself. One big dramatized metaphor for my own personal feelings throughout life.
In Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3, the snarky and cynical Rocket the Raccoon's past is explored heavily. He is revealed to have once been a raccoon from Earth, taken at a young age by the evil High Evolutionary and molded into a thinking and speaking creature through extensive and cruel surgery and augmentations. Despite the hardship, he is driven by his connection to his friends (three other test subjects, Lylla the Otter, Teefs the Walrus, and Floor the Rabbit, all three of whom have also been extensively modified) and together they look forward to the promise of a happy life in the High Evolutionary's perfect society once his work is done. However, eventually it is revealed that the High Evolutionary no longer has a need for Rocket and his friends - they were only created for their intelligence and ingenuity, for their knowledge to be a stepping stone towards a better iteration of the High Evolutionary's perfect beings - and that he and his friends are to be killed. Rocket attempts to break Lylla, Teefs, and Floor out of their captivity, but all of his friends who he was up until this point motivated by the dream of a perfect life with, die in the escape attempt. Rocket is left the only survivor, alone and depressed now that that the only things that made him happy and hopeful in the universe have been ripped from him. He becomes cynical and jaded, afraid to let others too close to him for fear of losing them too. He feels like a monster, warped and created without purpose. He only overcomes this when forced into an alliance with the other Guardians, who are also carriers of their own trauma, and together they create an unbreakable bond. And it's only on the verge of death, in his darkest hour, that Rocket is visited in a dream by his friends, and Lylla tells him that his existence is more meaningful than he knows. He pulls through and rejoins his friends in the fight, not only defeating the High Evolutionary but saving the other animals that were being tested on, learning that he is indeed a raccoon in the process. Up until this point, he has seen 'raccoon' as a demeaning term, something to label him as something other, something less than a person. But here he realizes it's actually his identity, that he's not alone and never was. And by the end, he heals, ready to find that purpose and set his own expectations for himself.
I wrote the entirety of WarTorn way before Guardians 3 came out, so seeing the parallels between Rocket's story and Luke's, especially when Luke is so heavily inspired by my own life, was an extremely emotional experience. I've been going over scenarios in my head where Luke and Rocket interact. They'd clash at first because of their different personalities (and because Rocket is Rocket) but slowly realize how similar their lives and troubles are, and then help each other find their missing pieces and become better people. I adore the idea of these two forming an understanding of each other's histories just from seeing each other's reactions to little things and recognizing their own trauma in each other's behavior, to the point that they know they can confide in one another and be met with unabashed understanding and acceptance, free of judgment because "Hey... I've been there." And in some abstract way, I have too.
The first thing I had thought leaving that theater was "I want to hug that raccoon and let him know that he is beautiful and loved." So I ordered a plush. I needed something physical to latch onto, some way to express this overwhelming emotion physically. And now he has a special place in my arms as I lay in bed or on my desk as I work or in my canvas bag when I go out of the house.
Rocket is very important to me. He's the first thing I had poured over in months that wasn't "oh my God I'm a terrible writer" or "I'm going to die someday." And that puts him at least somewhat above all of the other comfort characters and hyperfixations I've had over the years. Because he's the first thing I have loved with all my heart in a long, long time. And now, whenever that oppressive melancholy begins to creep up my mind, I think of him and the parts of my life that led me to being so emotional about him, and I am reminded that love and feeling still exist in my heart, and always will.
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