#I cant just choose to communicate its really fucking hard

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#oof. it as been a very very long day. so much talking. all day talking and interviews #and so far my feelings are mixed. bc it is a smaller university and its underfunded and cost of living is kinda high #and the town is small and isolated. HOWEVER #the faculty feels like a strong community and theyre all amazing scientists who choose to b there bc the quality of life is so high #they seem extremely supportive and the fact its small means that i could probably get around better given my intense anxiety around driving #and i could literally just walk to hiking paths rather than having to drive way out. and its fucking so beautiful. the clouds r gorgeous #bc theyre all conpressed by the mountains around this lil valley. also the potential advisor seems amazing. the grad students have good #things to say and hes excited that im interested in the things im interested in. and i talked to an astrobiology guy and he was like u #should apply for X grant and i would b happy to help u and the advisor is a former nasa post doc so he has nasa astrobiology connections. #so those r some pretty great things. i mean. of the schools im looking at this one would prob be the best for my brain tbh #i mean the uk one is too rigid in structure and i cant fuck around so much as at a us school. and the east coast on is hard to say no to bc #its a good school with lots of funding and opportunities to b creative but i would have to hard core get my shit together and hes quite #hands off. and id b living in the city which sucks. so like. i mean this school is kinda looking like the best choice for me. definitely #the healthiest. i mean assuming i dont fuck it up and get the offer after this weekend. but yeah. i mean im not fully in love i think #and the idea of commiting to 5years here is terrifying but id get a lot of support that i dont think ive really ever had. not that my #current boss isnt great but our lab is kinda disconnected. and i really fit in perspective wise in my interests. and id get to work at #[redacted] national park. which is so cool that i might have to unredact it if i end up here bc its so fucking next level #not that the national park i have access to now isnt awesome but. like its next level awesome and i could maybe wiggle may way into maybe #some arctic systems and i bet i could get my current boss to send me desert samples. so yeah i could def see a life here #but fuck i dont want roomates with all my heart. y does it have to b so expensive for a trash apartment? bleh #god. im so tried. so much talking. but a good day. and im going skiing tomorrow bc like thats a thing here lol #unrelated

[moonlit-positivity]

Things I wish someone had told me before I started my healing journey:

- This shit is HARD. This shit takes TIME. You cannot just talk about it once and then move on, like there is a whole ass process behind this shit and it actually takes a lot of time and patience???? What the fuck.

- Denial is a natural part of the process. Resistance is a natural part of the process. Avoidance and escapism are a natural part of the process. Dissociation is a natural part of the process. All of these things are natural defense mechanisms our bodies and brains do to keep us protected and safe from danger. The sooner you learn this the easier it gets to find compassion for yourself.

- Do not tear yourself down for the maladaptive things you had to do to find peace before this, do not tear yourself down ever for needing to do things that helped you survive, you are entitled to your anger and escapism it is your birthright for simply being born to a world hell bent on destroying you from a young age.

- THE GOAL OF HEALING SHOULD BE ABOUT YOU. YOU CANNOT HEAL YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONE ELSE. that means if someone is pressuring you to heal, it's not your time yet. You will be resentful and not open and receptive to the journey, bc they have made it about them and not about you. This means that if you are choosing to heal in order to heal someone else, it will not work the way you think it will. You will be resentful when the person you want to fix is not able to match your changing energy. This means that if you put another person's wants and needs above your own while healing, you will neglect your true self. The entire process of healing is a process you enter BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, BECAUSE YOU TRULY NEED THE GROWTH- PERIOD. BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY DESERVE A BETTER HEADSPACE, YOU GENUINELY DESERVE A BETTER OUTLOOK ON YOUR SELF WORTH AND SELF ESTEEM, AND YOU CANT BE FORCED TO DO THAT IF YOU DO NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE READY TO DO SO, AND YOU ALSO CANNOT DO THAT WITH AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE TO CHANGE OR FIX SOMEONE ELSE IN ORDER TO FULFILL YOUR CHILDHOOD DESIRES OF BEING LOVED. The good thing tho, is that this is a lesson you automatically learn the more you heal!

- Empathy and compassion are not always inherent to learn but can be taught through the kindness and compassion that others give to you, so it's a good idea to find people who can fill your cup with these qualities but who also have great boundaries so they can properly help you while maintaining their own self care.

- There is in fact a better way to do things, even if its really hard and seemingly impossible to learn- just being exposed to new concepts can be enough to jumpstart better habits

- That being said tho, things do not change overnight. Things change when you are ready for them to change.

- contrary to popular belief you do not actually have to do the coping skills exactly 100% correctly in order for them to work, you can absolutely give some wiggle room to incorporate your own twist to them and find ways to make them your own versions

- your emotions are not always the problem, it's how you handle them that counts. Every emotion has a purpose. Your negative emotions are precious parts of you that just want to be held and listened to. The sooner you learn this, the easier your life will become. Your anger, jealousy, bitterness, they all have a function, to tell you when you are hurt and in need of connection and communication with those you deeply care for. Take the time out to learn how to care for and handle your emotions and it will teach you more about yourself than you could ever dream of.

- how you talk to yourself during moments of panic, distress, vulnerabilities, and darkness, makes all the difference in the world.

- healing has its own language and eventually you will be able to tell when someone is putting in the work or not, you will absolutely get to a point where you can immediately spot the red flags in others around you

- gentle parenting videos are goated for quick reparenting tools

- journaling doesn't always have to be writing pen to paper, journaling can also be venting to a friend/private space, drawing doodles, venting out loud to yourself, or writing in code (for when you are too afraid, fearful, or paranoid to talking about what you went through but everyone is screaming "journaling!" at you as if that's gonna magically solve all your fear)

- there are gonna be times that absolutely break your spirit. There are gonna be times when you're crying so hard that you just want it to end, times when you might just find yourself screaming to a Baptist Mass Choir recording of Order My Steps on repeat while praying to a God you don't even believe in, because this shit is so absolutely batshit insane that you can't help but throw your middle finger to God and ask his bitch ass why the absolute fuck did you put me here in this bullshit and expect me to be okay with that?! What the absolute fuck is wrong with you you piece of shit?! And that's a perfectly 150% fine and completely 150% normal part of the process too.

- there is always. Always. Always. More work to do. You will think you finished processing something and then 10 more things will pop up after that. It's exhausting and this is why you feel so drained all the time.

- You will most definitely need to backtrack. You can process something to the point that you thought you understood how you felt about it and then 2 weeks/3months/10 years later it will hit you in a completely different context and then you will need to go back and find new pieces you never even saw before. This shit is a never ending, life long, stream of consciousness and it never. Fucking. Ends.

- LEARN HOW TO TAKE A BREAK. FOR FUCKS SAKE LEARN HOW TO FORCE YOURSELF TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. YOU CANNOT BE DOING THIS SHIT 24/7 LIKE JESUS FUCKIG CHRIST TAKE A BREAAKKKK.

- there are a lot of healing & emotional work videos on insta and tiktok from a wide variety of creators, some will be trauma informed and educational, but some may be spiritualistic or opinions from people on the same type of healing as you are. Some of those opinions you will love, and some you will not. The beauty is that you can find a community in these places but please remember your boundaries bc social media can be equally as toxic as it can be helpful.

- tbh the same can be said for things like therapy, self help books, etc, because not every recommended book or therapy out there is gonna be your cup of tea, some of it might piss you off where others might find it useful and helpful, and thats 100% normal and okay too.

- there might be a time when you have to cut people off, people you never even imagined yourself leaving or separating from, family, friends, jobs, etc. in order to keep yourself safe. This will be some of the hardest shit you will ever have to do.

- two things at the core of healing: grief and safety. How to mourn the great disappointments you've been through, and how to keep yourself protected & afloat while mourning.

- there will be times when shit don't make no goddamn sense at all. Like, none. That's normal.

- greatest life hack there is: focus on what you can control. Can you control it? You can change it. Can you control someone else? Their thoughts, words, and actions? No. But you can control yours.

- venting is actually so healthy. So so so very healthy. Find good places to vent.

#healing #recovery #ptsd #inner child healing #inner child #trauma #boundaries #self worth #self esteem #shadow work #cptsd #abuse #healing abuse #emotions #emotional work #emotional intelligence

[yandere-daydreams]

i play this game where u clean alien/monster viscera and the corpses of their victims. ever since discovering ur blog i cant play this game the same anymore. imagine this, ur a normal space janitor hired to clean some horrible bloodbath and u see all the past coworkers sent there previously, all dead/half eaten. u continue the detail anyway cuz u need ur job, and also the dropship has already left so like... you can only pray to whatever god there is that maybe the monster lurking in the shadows/vents has left site. i mean, u can hear like garbled noises in the ambience but it's better to just put some loud music to keep urself company and hope for the best. idk i'm not confident with my writing so sry if this doesn't make sense haha..

tw - imprisonment, mentions of death/blood, reader isn't a great person, and generalized monster-fucking.

i really like the idea of a being forced/coerced into taking a job that involves looking after or taking care of some elusive, monstrous, possibly alien creature being kept in a dark, underground facility, usually empty save for you, a few scientists, and a hundred or so armed soldiers. maybe you're a criminal and you had to choose between this or another two decades spent on death row, or just someone with no other options and very, very bad luck - it doesn't really matter, not after you've been sent to the facility, not after you've been told what what role you're supposed to play and what's going to happen if you fail to preform. you have a job to do, and you're either going to be killed by the beast you're taking care or one of the trigger-happy men standing guard at every other door. you might as well try to make it as long as you can, even if you've been told not to expect more than a few weeks.

you try not to think about it, but it's hard. you don't have many distractions (you're not allowed to have any contact with the outside world, and aside from the well-worn novellas you can beg off the more empathetic members of staff and the yellowed newspapers that are delivered months behind schedule), and your duties take up most of your day. when you're not replacing tattered sheets and cleaning stains you're unwilling to identify off the cement walls, you're hauling buckets of (what you hope is) synthetic meat to its feeding den or observing it through one-way mirrors, jotting down notes that you've been told are given to the ethologist, but you would swear just get thrown away as soon as they leave your hands. not that you're very interested in their research. if anything, it's hard not to feel bad for that scarred, skittering tangle of limbs and eyes and teeth. it's just as trapped as you are, just as bored, just as scared. sometimes, you think it's looking as you through the one-way glass, trying to communicate as it taps patterns into the concrete or clicks its many, many legs against one another, but you've been told that it isn't intelligent. you've been told not to listen if it ever tries to tell you anything.

you think you hear it sometimes, at night. it's supposed to be monitored around the clock, but a lot of things are supposed to happen here - a lot of things that, for whatever reason, just don't. you've definitely seen it, needle-point fangs peaking in through vent grates, its silhouette pressed against the far wall of your room after it thinks you've gone to sleep. it could hurt you, tear you apart before you even had the chance to scream, but it doesn't seem to want to, doesn't seem to plan to, for now, at least. you can't say the same for the soldiers it must come across when it slips out at night. you have to clean up their bodies, too, not that there's much of a body left by the time they're discovered. the higher-ups have been talking about reinforcements, about heightened security, but all their locks and alarms and security cameras only ever seem to make the problem worse, only seem to make their monster more eager to slip out and into your bed, more determined to find some unlucky guard to disembowel, or behead, or leave so bruised and bloodied and shredded, it'd be impossibly to try and guess how they might've been killed.

you could say something if you wanted to, and you know you should, but that wouldn't make anything better, would it? you know you're not going to be transferred, let alone let go, and you don't want to die. not so quickly, at least. not like that.

you don't want to die, and if this monster - if your monster wants to keep you alive for a few days longer than its competition would, then so be it.

#yandere #yandere x reader #yandere imagines #yandere prompts #yandere theory #general

[crows-home]

Kotetsu's a bad dad, but also a good dad. He loves his daughter so much. But he's neglectful. He always thinks about Kaede, but he doesn't really know her. Here are some things I've been thinking about that, because holy shit.

Fuck I have so many thoughts about Kotetsu. He's a good person, he's a good hero, he tries his best always. Even if he's embarrassing or is a liability, he's always willing to go. Willing to put himself or his pride at risk for the sake of what's right.

But he's not a good father. Always gone, so focused on his work, that he never sees his daughter. And sure, he loves her a lot. She's his whole world and the reason he pushes himself. But that doesn't negate the fact that Kaede never had a father that was present as she grew up. And all his attempts at connection- his words, his gifts- they all feel so... surface level? "Ill give her a hair pin :) a teddy bear :) my little itty bitty baby girl"

No, buddy. Your daughter grew up. She's not four anymore. You need to communicate with her, learn her interests, and support her. Not just give her presents and empty promises. Not just talk down to her. And I know it's not all his fault. Single father, widow, the fate of so many people on his shoulder on the regular. He's not perfect, has no idea what he's doing, and just desperately wants his daughter to like him. To be proud of him.

But he was the younger sibling, probably didnt have much experience with kids younger than himself. I've seen it before. He's a parent that just wants to be Good Enough. Doesn't want to make the wrong move, and in doing so, is too loose with his parenting. Not confident.

But god, he's his daughter's biggest cheerleader, even on the side.

All Kaede had was her grandmother, who she could lose at any minute, and a dad that would always choose his work over her. She didn't know her dad was a hero, so that's all she saw. It's so much anxiety for a kid, and it makes me sad to think about.

WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN THEY TOUCHED ON IT IN SEASON 2!!! like, Kaede actually calls him out on it!!

"Just neglect me like always. It's all you're good for!"

Fuck, hearing her say that made me flinch. It's true, and he knows it. But by season 2, it feels like Kotetsu's more... mature? I think part of it is Kaede knowing that he's a hero now, so she's not always hurt when he says he has to leave her for a "work emergency." And part of it is knowing that she's growing, she's not a baby, she can handle herself.

It's a hard transition, realizing this kid who used to depend on you to feed them, keep them clean, keep them safe, doesnt need that anymore. Suddenly they're doing things on their own, they dont need constant supervision, and you have to let go and realize that they can keep themself safe. But it's a weight off his shoulders, I think. That realization.

My daughter will be okay. I'm here for her now, if she needs me, but i cant protect her from every little thing, and maybe i dont need to.

its just. he's not perfect. i dont think he was a very good father at all, in the beginning. and Kaede is absolutely allowed to resent him for that. She needed him there, and he wasn't. She's allowed to feel abandoned and alone, even if she knows her father was off saving the world or whatever. it obviously still bugs her, and i'm so glad that was included. Instead of just keeping her as the two dimensional "yay my dad is so cool now that i know he's Wild Tiger! Everything is fine with me now :3"

But they'll both just have to live with it and grow with each other. Kotetsu is becoming a better parent, as best as he can, along with all the other worries he has. Kaede deserved a better father growing up, deserves it still, but is becoming a confident young woman, still navigating through it all.

i dont know how to end this. it just really hit me to see a family dynamic like this. i love it so much, would love to explore this more one day.

#pobre payasito #tiger and bunny #kotetsu t. kaburagi #kaede kaburagi #this ended up being a lot more about parenting than i thought it would be oops #im sorry but also no im not. family feels will always get me

[kerink]

enthralled by the concept of Carlos thinking Cecil broke up with him so he starts dating Kevin only to find out when Cecil calls him again all 💗💋❤️‍🔥😻🥰💖 that he misunderstood. like 🧍‍♂️

its everything to me 🧍‍♀️ and how could he even POSSIBLY begin to communicate that to cecil? he doesnt want to put ANY guilt or blame on cecil BUT the facts are... carlos thought cecil broke up with him. but carlos would rather eat himself alive with what he should have and could have rather than try to work it out.

carlos mourning the loss of cecil and kevin is there, so gentle and understanding, hes not saying or doing things perfectly, but hes there and trying and carlos is so grateful for him

thinking about them building a life and a home and a town together and cecil calls carlos and is like sorry i havent called in a week it's been really horrible for me and carlos feels like hes been hit by a truck

and the way kevin says your boyfriend, do you think carlos, in a panicked whirlwind, told kevin the truth. kevin who hes known for years, kevin who he knows inside and out, kevin who he trusts with everything, kevin whos his partner, he goes to him hyperventilating and explains it all

and kevin asking "well you broke up with him right?" and carlos shakes his head and kevin, smiling about 5% less carefully asks "are you breaking up with me" and carlos pauses and shakes his head

and they just. keep going. carlos cant choose, hes not strong enough to make that sort of choice, so he just has his cake and eats it too. and kevin isnt HAPPY with it on fact hes so fucking angry he could rip someone in half, but hes afraid that if he presses too hard carlos will choose cecil

and cecil is just a voice on the phone. kevin and carlos share a town, share a home, share a dinner table, share a bed. cecil is a distant threat. HE has a life with carlos

#wtnv

[system-of-a-feather]

I don't have that good communication beyond the subsystem, but I think Ray is trying to pass me an idea / suggestion about somewhere down the line possibly fusing with a deep part gatekeeper when we get around to that and when we aren't 1) busy dealing with gender shit (which will be a while) and 2) when I am more settled in the present and honestly its a pretty interesting concept

That gatekeeper is a bit of a mystique part that doesn't really work with or interact with most of the system by nature of their role - but I could see it happening and being a thing since me and that gatekeeper are somewhat originally modeled partially after the same OC (I'm not an introject, but that OC is one I relate and identify with to some level and my internal appearance was somewhat borrowed from it; that part is a shapeshifting part that takes the form of OCs and the original one he took upon was that same OC) and because I'm honestly volunteering and putting my name down for working with the deep dormant parts when the time gets around to it because despite being of the Riku subsystem - I cope and existed in a similar space and dealing with similar parts as those parts and while I'm "from this side" of the system, I am like... a dual citizen and that side of the system is not nearly as foreign to me as it is for other parts.

So that might be interesting. Not anytime immediate, but I am more than open to it.

I do love how this system is so enthusiastic to welcome me to the "functional unit" of the system - and I do actually mean that genuinely beyond my teenage "but i dont waaannnnnnnnaaa do anything and I don't want to participate in society" and less of an actual "its too much" - cause it would be really great if I was actually able to contribute and participate in helping the other parts in this brain that were in a similar place to me break out of that stuff and I would really like to contribute - especially since I am honestly, again, just really happy to be able to exist beyond curling up in a corner and having flashbacks constantly.

So if Ray and everyone hears me make one comment about the system and immediately eyeballs me as "such a possible future asset to the team" - as weird as it kind of is - I am more than glad to sign papers showing interest in being a trainee to the Squad because honestly, I think these guys are pretty cool and I'd really like to bring my old friends out here with me cause honestly, the main system is honestly a bit scared of them because they are pretty mentally fucked up and the longer they hide and cope in the "if i dont exist i cant have flashbacks 24/7" - the more unhinged they tend to get - but honestly, as someone who was there recently myself, they're not that bad and they're just really stuck and I really think they deserve better. They comforted me when I was in their place and I'd really like to help those parts come join me here.

Plus honestly, I really have to give the Functional Unit of this system a lot of credit, they did a lot of really good in the time I was either nonexistant or trapped in a loop and I'd really just like to add to that creation process because I think its really amazing how much we've learned to thrive since I was previously "alive".

That said, I firmly agree with the system's decision to completely ignore / leave "that side" of the system alone because 1) thats how the system is structured and there are a number of parts in place to keep it that way, so it would be fighting up stream 2) I know from personal experience that if the parts aren't coming to you, its more hurtful and harmful to try to bring them up - it's best to invite them when they come by on their own terms and take the time and 3) god it is hard "waking up" when you are in that place and while I think they deserve way better, I firmly stand by that half of the system being able to choose when they are ready and wanting to get that because again, its hard.

So while I do really like those parts, I really respect that they would rather not exist than deal with the trauma inherent in their existence and all - so all I am going to do is put my request and notification of willingness and interest to support them when the time comes on Ray's desk and letting him know that I very very much would love to help that side out as someone whose been there.

To which I'm getting the feeling from Ray, XIV, Riku, and Lucille that everyone is just astounded to hear anyone stating that about that side because I am only now realizing that literally everyone had no real good idea on how to safely work with those parts so I guess me being pretty casual about them is... unexpected for the elders who have spent years upon years thinking about how to handle "the sleeping dragon" as the system refers to that side of things.

That said, they do look at me like I went up to a Terrasque that has destroyed a whole continent and like I just grabbed it and started dressing it up in a tuttu or something.

#alter: lin #alter: rin #fusion #alter: shapeshifter #side system #sidesystem

[pidgefudge]

very long and rambly and i suppose ventish post incoming so read at your own risk i guess

ive been thinking about my queer identity and how i still feel alienated from the community based on race. my parenrs.never told me about or even mentioned queer people existing (i learned about it from a friend) so i wasnt even aware of the concept until i was 11. and even then it felt like a far-off alien thing to me. obviously i have turned out very queer but i still doubt myself all the time because it feels like im not supposed to be queer. especially since becoming active on pinterest and later tumblr, ive seen that the vast majority of the queer people i interact with (and seemingly in general) on these platforms are white. and yeah western society dominated by white people etc. i know but. it feels likes it's doubling down on this concept in my head of “being queer is for cool white people only.” as an indian kid being raised in an extremely conservative hindu environment it feels like im not supposed to be involved with all this stuff? my parents always parrot this worldview of us being above to other races/religions/etc. (and they still ascribe to the caste system so our being brahmins only exacerbates their perceived superiority) and i have always tried to fight them but. it has definitely isolated me from others either way and leaves me feeling like im not supposed to be queer. im not supposed to even think about any of this all i need to do is study hard get good grades go to a good university get a well paying job marry whoever my parents choose have a few kids and be an obedient wife or whatever. and obviously i don't want any of this for myself (in fact it's like my worst nightmare) but i can't shake the feeling of it being the morally correct thing/my obligation. that was a whole tangent but anyway yeah my coming from that background vs so many other queer people just. existing. being fine and comfortable in their queerness. come to think of it i only know a single other queer indian. anyways. i cant escape that alienation from the community because there aren't a lot of people like me in it (especially not in the circles im in) and idk it's frustrating. and confusing. lonely.

funnily enough the aroace part doesnt bother me itself because my parents are strict and emotionless and a (poorly chosen) arranged marriage and they actively DESPISE any and all romance/affection so i never felt broken or pressured to date lmao. this is just normal. but putting a label on it felt “wrong” because i wasn't funky and queer this is just how i was supposed to be.

sorry this was really long and rambly and tangential and im not entirely sure i even got out everything that i wanted to say but its been in my head for years and i just needed to put it down somewhere. if you read this whole thing well firstly (and i say this with so much love) what the fuck is wrong with you lmao. secondly mad props for even comprehending any of it you deserve a reward 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪 take the cookies :3 thanks for coming to my ted talk or whatever

#i never actually tag my posts with this lmao whatever #honestly if you have anything to say about this feel free to comment it i will discuss but also i think it's only a me issue #pigeon coos

[dyketubbo]

your stuff about loveless and not-partnered aros made me think about my own biases that I have to deconstruct.

I think a lot of partnered or romance-positive aros (like me) don't want to face how even shittier and exhausting and zero representation media is for loveless and non-partnering aros. And how we're privileged if we do like shipping, because that's what a lot of fandom caters to. And that loveless and generally romance-repulsed people REALLY really get the short end of the stick. I'm talking about this from a fandom viewpoint, but it absolutely applies to real life. Society is structured to brutally crush non-partnering people. If you don't have someone living with you and who's your partner, youre very likely to be entirely isolated. Non-partnering aros face greater struggle to be their authentic selves in society because of the ways our communities are structured, and this makes partnering aros very uncomfortable. Because its an added layer to our societal oppression we need to dismantle, and many just. Choose to ignore it. Silence the aros who bring it up.

Sorry for the long anon. Just saying I'm sorry for the shitty ways people are treating you, aro and allo alike, and keep on being cool and awesome. I'm not in the MCYT fandom as much, but its always cool to see you on my dash.

i genuinely appreciate you thinking more indepth about it because yes exactly society fucking punishes anyone who cant or doesnt want to rely on one person to be their main source of support. thats why so much of society is based around marriage making life easier. and if you dont want to, actively refuse to engage in that? you get fucked over hard. hell, the way society treats marriage as something that will make your life easier likely feeds into why disabled people will lose benefits if they get married. because its treated as if having that one person you supposedly trust above everyone automatically makes things easier for you

society is fucked up and uncomfortable but the solution is always, always to keep speaking up and keep dismantling all these hidden layers as to why its so fucked up. all the ways even small things like how people will get shamed and spoken over and seen as taboo freaks if we dare to even just be apathetic for romance in fiction at all. it sucks but it does all stack up and its always better to stick together through it rather than keeping up the cycle of punching down

#also thank you :] i get awkward about answering compliments in the actual body of posts haha but it is very appreciated #i do my best o7 hard to be this right and epic but someones gotta do it #angel answers

[tears-of-boredom]

ok finished life is strange true colors. probably gonna be spoilers in this. so, i dont know if its because i was expecting to not like the ending, but i didnt like it. ended up really angry at the ending. tbh the whole vibe of the story was weird. my vibes didnt match its vibes. reminds me a lot of tell me why in a sense. with the siblings being reunited after both were separated when young and so the foster care system fucked them up even worse. and they can only begin to heal once they get out of it. and they investigate a family member's death. and the character models never seem to actually be touching anything around them. kind of like trying to get your barbie to hold something that didnt have that small finger ring. but the difference is that i like tell me why. maybe its just because the emotions matched mine more. idk. i wish we got to meet izzy. oh and yeah im not gonna even do the bisexual thing.

idk just left me angry and feeling shitty. but ig something happened outside of the game at the same time so that might contribute to my mood too. but man. i didnt even get to cry. and no one even went after someone in a fit of unbridled rage.... i mean,, of their own choosing you know? i wanted alex to walk into the black horse and just charge jed with a knife. and it is so fucking annoying because everytime i saw jed, i was thinking about how happy i am that for once the old man who the community trusts didnt do some horrible shit. like oh my god, i wasnt even fucking surprised when he pulled the gun, i was just so disappointed. i fucking hate that trope. so much. let old people be fucking good people for once, who arent trying to hide their past at all costs. like oh my god, let a main character actually get a father figure into their lives without them being a liar and a coward. and sorry but why the fuck did the game even give you an option on whether or not to forgive him?? like, yeah i could've fucking forgave him for being a bit too proud and making a horrible mistake because of that, but who the fuck fucking is forgiving him for all the shit he did to keep the secret. he didnt intentionally kill those miners, but by creating this lie about being a hero, and putting everything on keeping it up, he killed someone. and to be honest, i would not be surprised if there were more. and why the fuck did they make alex see herself in him? whatever her "gift" canonically is, she did not choose it. the monster she is ashamed of was something she did not choose. but jed made a decision. he hates himself because of a choice he made. neither of those things are less real or,, anything. they are just different. pretty fundamentally. hating yourself for something you cant change, and hating yourself over something you can change. oh my god i hated the ending. and hated how unlike me alex was. despite there being so many similarities between us. that flashback about the guitar, when shes imagining gabe and her at the orphanage. it hit me quite hard. i wonder how many kids have thought that. because i sure have. i wasnt even there for that long. but everynight, when i wasn't allowed to do anything but lay in my bed,, i think i thought "they cannot be so stupid to do this to me with sincere intentions." but,, i wasnt stupid myself. i knew that they were genuinely trying to help with all the restrictions. so eventually i concluded that they're stupid as fuck and know nothing. but they think they know better. the worst fucking combination ever. impossible to argue against people like that. usually they are like cops too. if you make them question the rules, they just fall back on "well thats still how it is (and there's no changing that)". adults love to obey authority and not question anything. and i would understand that if it was just a choice for an individual, but they affect a lot of other people by being like this. young people. but thats just how it is right. adults fuck up kids because they dont want to challenge anything, and then those kids grow up to be afraid of challenges too.

im really tired. i cant really tell if im even making sense. im gonna shut of my pc now.

#venting

[pwnyta]

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I get it! “Going by what sounds better” types of pairing names can completely work, for example, like in Hannigram, but they mostly work bc majority of the time people mean a very specific pairing dynamic (95% of the time when people say “Hannigram” they mean top Hannibal and bottom Will, it’s just generally hard to see this two shipped the other way around). I am not sure if I’ve explained what I mean well enough, but yea, those “nice sounding” ship names can totally work, but they usually work in very specific scenarios, you know what I mean?

Also, I gotta agree! As someone who sometimes likes feminine men/short kings/“pretty boys” as tops, it really sucks when I finally find a work with this kind of non-standard top just to be bamboozeled :/ I really like Aster from NU:Carnival and would like to see works with him as top and Eiden (mc) as bottom, but you know…

btw, that’s a small thing, but I really don’t like how bad ship tagging is on AO3. If authors don’t go out of their way to put who is top and who is bottom in the additional tags, majority of the time you wouldn’t know. In my country we have our local big fanfic community and there you can easily filter couples depending on whether you want A/B or B/A (or if you like both you just don’t choose the sorting option for the specific dynamic). Sadly, because a lot of people in my country don’t speak English, that means that I just generally have less choices for works that I can read so I always end up going for sites :(

'it’s just generally hard to see this two shipped the other way around' Youve gained an enemy, Nonny.

Oh yeah I played Nu carnival for about 5 seconds for the Zhongli look alike & the hornee big tiddie priest but went 'I dont like porn this much... also if I cant see this ZL look alike getting railed whats the point? Also also Ahegao cringes me out...' so I feel you on that.

SERIOUSLY even beyond the shipping thing... AO3 tags are a fucking mess. The system itself would be so good if people just tagged what needed to be tagged and not every fucking thing that appears for even a second in the story. I dont even read fanfics anymore just cuz its a pain in the ass to find anything.... Same thing happened on Tumblr TBH. Phenomenal tagging system, bad taggers.

But yeah if you look up 'bottom (w/e character youre looking for)' you can at least find SOME stuff relevant to your interests...

#Fandom discourse #Dear Nonny. #Anonymous enemy... #...Anonemy.

[toytulini]

One day i will make my hot take post about how picky eaters deserve so much better but my brain is not there yet

#toy txt post #attempted summary: even in the posts j see on this site it feels like so many ppl need there to be excuses to be 'picky' about food #and i for one am tired of it. i think it should be socially acceptable to just not like food. it just doesn't agree with your tastebuds. #you have no desire to eat it. and its not rude and its not anyone's fault and its not a fucking moral failure or judgement and #generally is not that hard to accommodate if ur respectful and communicate honestly #i think the only reason you need to be socially ~excused~ from eating food you dont like without being seen are rude for it #is that you dont like it. it doesnt taste good to u. i think a world where that was acceptable would be better for everyone and also #better for ppl with allergies and food sensitivities too. #idk i just hate that it seems like you need these big dramatic reasons not to eat smth. often things that are like. personal medical details #that you may not want to share with every random person involved with your food. #like it feels like i see a lot on here thats like. respect ppl w sensory issues to food! a lot of neurodiverse folx have strong issues with #like texture and itll will make you literally feel like youre gonna die! and like yea respect ppl w sensory issues but why dont we take it a #step further and normalize just not liking food? not being passive aggressive about some1 always getting the same food or not trying things? #normalize not liking food without it being seen as some kind of personal slight or rudeness or smth bc what your tastebuds said no? #like you cant fucking control your tastebuds. youre probably not actively choosing to hurt grandma's feelings by being grossed out #by her shepard's pie bc you hate mashed potatoes and you really hate mashed potatoes mixed with all your other food no matter who makes them #and thats not your fault and its not grandma's fault thats just your tastebuds being different #and im not saying its okay to idk be rude to someone and rag on their homecooked meal they made you like youre gordon ramsay like #i just think it should be more acceptable to say 'sorry i just dont like potatoes very much so i wont be eating them' without it being seen #as a personal attack on the cook and everyone on the earth who loves mashed potatoes. #okay i should go. im just rambling now and its 3pm and i really need to clean my room. going to attempt to make it not smell like cat piss #for 10 whole minutes. would be nice. anyway i think i yelled about this on discord like a yr ago and i think it was better worded then #but like. picky eater rights or whatever. be nice to your picky eater siblings for me. stop calling them dinner dictators. #yes this is personal i dont like to go out to eat with my family anymore bc im nothing but a hindrance who dares to want to go to a place #where they actually serve at least one thing i know i will like so that i can actually eat some dinner at dinner. god forbid i want to eat #my food without hating it or not want to waste money on food i either know i wont eat or is very likely i wont eat. #guh okay im going now

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

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