#I cycle between mania and depression I just don’t have severe enough symptoms that can’t otherwise be explained

[hairenya]

For someone who doesn’t have bipolar disorder I sure do have a lot of the characteristics

#I cycle between mania and depression I just don’t have severe enough symptoms that can’t otherwise be explained #jlktalks.

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

#adhd #not a doctor #just a sick person with lots of lived experience

[missmentelle]

Hey. Can you please try to explain what is bipolar disorder? After reading some medical articals about it i still don't understand

Basically, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that causes people to cycle between very high highs and very low lows, without a whole lot of time in between. It’s a disorder that impacts absolutely every aspect of a person’s life if they have it, and untreated bipolar disorder can be a very unpleasant and scary thing to go through.  Everyone has ups and downs when it comes to their mood, but people with bipolar disorder experience a very extreme version of this. If a non-bipolar person is in a “blah” mood, they might have low energy, trouble concentrating at work, and be a little short-tempered with the people around them. A person with bipolar disorder who is going through a depressive period, on the other hand, might stay in bed for a week straight, unable to eat or shower, or otherwise be unable to do the things that they normally want to do.  Likewise, when a non-bipolar person is in a good mood, they might be more cheerful than usual and feel like they have a bit more energy for daily tasks. A person with bipolar disorder, on the other hand, might feel so euphoric that they’ll sometimes act without considering consequences. They might give away treasured possessions, engage in casual sex when that’s not the norm for them, or stay awake for more than 24 hours for no reason. Their behaviour will completely out of character for them, and may greatly concern their loved ones. 

People with bipolar disorder also have moods that aren’t really connected to what’s actually going on in your life. If you don’t have bipolar disorder, your moods are probably largely tied to the things that happen to you - if your partner surprises you by cooking you your favourite meal, you’ll feel happy, and if you get laid off from your job, you’ll be sad. You may have the odd day or two where that’s not the case, but it will generally be the way things go down. If you have bipolar disorder, however, your moods and your life events really don’t have much to do with each other. Mood episodes just kind of happen to you, and having good or bad things happen to you don’t really have any impact on you. Your best friends could all get together to throw you the most amazing birthday party in the entire world and you’ll still stay in a super-depressed state, or you could lose your job and have your cat die and still remain euphoric and on top of the world. Your moods become a roller coaster that you can’t steer, and without treatment, you can’t get off the ride. 

People with bipolar disorder experience their moods in “episodes” that may last weeks, days or hours, depending on the type of bipolar disorder they have. There are three kinds of “episodes” that a person with bipolar disorder may experience:

Depression. Fairly straightforward - this is a period of low mood, low energy and low motivation. You might feel like everything is hopeless and have no interest in things that are normally important to you. You might also experience crying, vague feelings of guilt or shame, overeating, loss of appetite, excessive sleep, insomnia, irritability, restlessness or suicidal thoughts. 

Mania. This is a state of such intense euphoria and energy that you may be unable to function. You will likely speak very quickly, struggle to stick to one topic of conversation, and find it hard to stay still. You may find yourself doing irrational, high-risk things that you’d never do ordinarily - racking up charges on your credit card, trying substances you wouldn’t normally try, even committing petty crimes in some cases, etc. In some people, manic episodes will cause psychosis. People having manic episodes may have delusions, like believing that God is speaking to them or that they are immortal. 

Hypomania. This is a period of elevated mood that doesn’t quite meet the criteria for mania. You don’t experience psychosis and you may retain the ability to function normally and keep attending work or school. However, you are still not yourself, and in your elated mood, it’s possible likely that you will act without giving much thought to the consequences - you may overspend, make an inappropriate comment to a coworker or make impulsive decisions you might not normally make. 

What kinds of episodes you have and how long they last depend on the type of bipolar disorder that you have. There are three different varieties:

Bipolar I. This type of bipolar disorder involves full-blown manic episodes that can last for a week or more - not every “high mood” episode will reach the point of full mania, but there’s a history of it happening. The mania can be so severe that the person requires hospitalization, as their actions while manic can make them a danger to themselves and others in some situations. It will be very, very obvious that something is wrong when the person is manic, even to people with no knowledge of bipolar disorder. Their depressive episodes don’t tend to reach “full-blown depression”; when their moods are low they will feel kind of crappy and low energy, but they don’t tend to reach the same depths of depression as Bipolar II. 

Bipolar II. People with this kind of bipolar disorder do not experience manic episodes - they only experience hypomania. Their depressive episodes, on the other hand, are long and very intense. They often experience depression that is more severe than what you’d see in “regular”, non-bipolar depression. It won’t necessarily be obvious that a person with Bipolar II is actually bipolar - they are often mistaken for having regular depression, as their hypomanic episodes are seen as them “having a good week” or “getting over the depression”. As a result, it can take a very long time to get properly diagnosed and treated. 

Cyclothymia. This is a disorder where people cycle quickly between high and low moods - their mood swings are less severe, in that they don’t meet the criteria for hypomania or depression, but they still disrupt the person’s life. The mood cycling tends to be more rapid than other kinds of bipolar disorder - each episode usually lasts only a few days or hours. 

Why do people get bipolar disorder? We have no idea. We don’t understand how it works, or why treatments for it are effective. The exact brain mechanisms at play are still a mystery. We do know that it runs in families and that there appears to be a strong genetic component to it - although the disorder isn’t entirely genetic. If your identical twin has bipolar disorder, you have around a 40% chance of getting it yourself. If your fraternal twin has bipolar disorder, your odds drop to 5% - which is still a lot higher than average, as only around 1% of the population is bipolar. The disorder affects males and females roughly equally, and it tends to come on in your mid-twenties - the average age to develop bipolar disorder is 25, which is typically when other serious mental illnesses emerge. 

As far as treatments go, there’s really only one thing that works consistently - medication. Lifestyle adjustments are also hugely important for managing bipolar disorder, but they are not enough on their own; most people need medication to control their symptoms, typically for the rest of their lives. Typically, you would be on a mood stabilizer like Lithium, and if you experience mania, it’s likely that you may also be on an antipsychotic.  The most challenging part of managing bipolar disorder is making sure that the person with bipolar disorder is consistent in taking their medication and managing their lifestyle. This is a huge struggle - more than 75% of bipolar patients do not take their medication consistently. The medications that are used to treat the disorder can unfortunately come with unpleasant side effects, and as with every type of disorder, it’s very easy to reach a point where people think “I feel fine now, I don’t need these anymore” and simply stop taking them. Bipolar disorder is a disorder with low insight, which means that people who have it often don’t recognize that they are sick, even when they have symptoms - when a person goes off their medication, they often won’t noticed that their symptoms have returned, even if it is seriously impacting their life, and once you are fully manic or depressed, getting back on a regular medication regimen can be extremely challenging. 

The lifestyle component of managing bipolar disorder can also be difficult to stick to. Even with medication, you can experience symptom flare-ups if you don’t make some serious lifestyle changes, and those lifestyle changes are not fun for most people. To keep symptoms in check, you generally need to live a very healthy and regimented life, with a strict routine, consistent bedtimes and mealtimes, no oversleeping, lots of healthy foods, daily exercise, no alcohol, and healthy stress-relief routines like yoga and meditation. If you’re a free-spirited 20-something who was used to going out with your friends until 3am and eating random junk throughout the day in place of solid meals, it can be hard to accept that you need to be in bed by 10pm every night so you can get up early to eat a balanced breakfast.  Bipolar disorder can be managed, however, and many people who have it do eventually find ways to control their symptoms and lead full, healthy lives. If you suspect that you may have bipolar disorder, it’s important that you speak to a medical professional right away for a proper assessment and diagnosis.  Hope this answers your question! MM

#Anonymous

[concept22]

Today I got a bipolar diagnosis

edit: btw, nobody was injured when i crashed. it was into a light post and nobody was around.

There is confetti everywhere around my room. And I am confused why there is such a mess and why it’s so pretty to me and also why despite seeing beauty in the mess I feel uncomfortable with my space having little shit all over it and I want it to be clean. Today shit hit the fan and the shit was a balloon and when it hit the fan it erupted and confetti flew everywhere. I got a bipolar diagnosis today. After nearly 10 years of clinical diagnoses from major depression, generalized anxiety, ocd tendency, mania, psychosis, to a literal thought disorder called delusional disorder, as well as PTSD, today I heard something that felt like it contains all of me and there is room for me to be me and not feel so confused and like my identity is all over the place depending which disorder is showing it’s face most. I am Cassidy Jean Gardner, and I am bipolar with PTSD. I feel terrified and so confused and Im crying while I write this but the tears feel like a relief a sweet rush of acceptance from and for myself that I have been yearning for for a long, long time. My therapist believes I have mixed manic-depressive bipolar called cyclothymic bipolar, not to be confused with a less “emotionally intense” cyclothymia diagnosis. With my understanding so far, I understand that Bipolar 1 is characterized by more manic tendencies with depressive stints. Bipolar 2 is characterized by more depressive tendencies with hypomanic bursts. The difference between these types of bipolar and the one have been experiencing the spectrum of for the last 2 and a half years years for sure is that BP 1&2 symptoms of mania or depression last several days, weeks, or months. Cyclothymic bipolar experiences of mania and depression can last hours. I have been so confused by my own mind for so long, and like my emotional responses to things were never valid, true, natural, and in my manic times, not even human. I can go from being manic to then coming across something that doesn’t fit my manic ideology and having an extremely depressed, hopeless response, to, sometimes it feels like minutes later, come up with a new “solution” that helps me feel better and relieved of the shame i feel about my manic beliefs and world view that I go right back up there again, and the cycle repeats. Thinking myself in and out of mania it can feel like. The days when I am not crippled or at best, so far, consistently hindered, by the accompanying anxiety of not having much of a sense of emotional normalcy or “neutral” perspective on things are my best days. The days when I am hypomanic, and I decide to scrap everything I’ve been working toward and stop identifying with these things in the name of authenticity libration and creativity, are my favorite right now, and that is hard. because it’s not super helpful to be this way- so passionate and “righteous”- that i throw out the window regard for any sort of routine i have worked hard to establish myself in the name of having “figured out something better”. It’a hard to feel so happy I can’t listen to my rational self because I feel so intoxicated by the feeling of happiness motivation and productivity I so crave. I am not sure what is harder. Being so manic that I become psychotic, completely delusional to the point that I literally believe I am Satan or Lucifer herself and that everything around me is confirming this horrible burden yet somehow “karmic blessing” that I never asked for, the the times when my depression is so bad I sleep for 16 hours of the day, have no motivation to even fathom life becoming better ever, and prefer to dream than live waking, walking life. I have lived in ambivalence for years, and as a coping mechanism I convinced myself I thrived in this arena. I see myself in front of the pendulum that is my mind. Every day it swings and I try to control it. It doesn’t stop swinging. It swings so roughly and rapidly that it flys out of the bars holding it up often. It’s like there is a wind pushing it that is the devil itself tricking me by being “invisible” aka not existing. When it’s on the manic side, I try to grab it and in the process get picked up off the ground and everything around the pendulum gets knocked over in my efforts to hold the pendulum and keep it on the “happy” side. Like the things around me are my life that I’ve built and they will fall as easily as bowling pins. There is no weight to keep them stable when I hit them. The foundation is slippery. On the depressive side, I rush over angry that I wasn’t strong enough to hold things on the manic side and desperately try to push it back toward my “happy” side, but it is so so fucking heavy. and I don’t remember it being that heavy and I cannot believe I ever fathomed loving the pendulum I was clinging to sometimes minutes earlier. Shame guilt self loathing. compared to my visions of grandiosity, of the world revolving around me, of having a sense of self worth and confidence and the courage to claim it and say hey i deserve to feel good about myself. to god how dare I ever think that. I am the most selfish person on the planet the sheer vain and foolishness to believe everything even anything really could possible be about or for me. I like to believe that I am somewhere in the middle. I prefer the hypomanic side, and this is a detriment as well, because i can easily get too high. but the hypomanic can be so... fun. The bits of excessive energy, the slightly inflated sense of self worth, the belief that I can follow my dreams and the ability to use my mind to direct my thoughts toward ways to create strategy to get where I want and build stepping stones. The fear of fallibility. the anxiety that comes with ever feeling good about myself from the ptsd of that abusive relationship and that night especially. I shouldn’t plan, because they will be foiled, if not by me by a man most likely. nowhere is safe, especially not my own mind.  thats’s where I perceived love, and oh hasn’t god shown me how powerful that is. being so manic that I confuse the feeling with someone being my soulmate, twin flame, my destiny. telling that person and responding to the rejection emotionally by going psychotic and fully delusional. How afraid I have been to love, of my own love, being truly loved that i don’t feel the need to constantly prove myself, and certainly the idea of ever loving myself for being who I am. In 2016 when I got PTSD and no longer was the “high functioning” “mentally ill” girl I was before, many people treated me like I had fallen from grace and it was my fault. Thank fucking god for the people who have been here for me. So many people took this as an opportunity it felt to slander me. “ha, I knew she wasn’t so wonderful, look how crazy she is. She intentionally crashed her car. who does that?” a person who is so confused with their undiagnosed bipolar and the fact they are going through a manic episode as a response to intense trauma therapy does that. I was told my whole life I was wonderful for being pretty and intelligent, and what a special combination. what a bitch of a “gift”. The two things I was naturally both with and did not earn, my intelligence and my body and my face. What about my humor? What about my ability to be a good friend? What about how hard I work? I was told I should never dare praise myself for these things because I was already “lucky enough” to be praised for the things I never asked for but was given by either genetics or fate- god knows. I have so many feelings. and I’m so grateful to know that I am impulsive. Sure, I’m “spiritually gifted”, but not necessarily everything has to be a blaring call from god or synchronicity that I must act on immediately if I want to see the “right things”, see the world the “right way”, and “be where I am to be”. My perfectionism has nearly killed me. Seeking to be spiritually perfect because I sure has hell was not physically or mentally perfect, I mean, look at those guys and girls more “beautiful”, look at those men and women more “accomplished”.  And the brainwashed peers (not their fault) for idolizing me, giving me a sense of power I never fucking sought. Sure. Maybe you can make the argument that my “soul wanted this”, but suffering was never in the deal. and I have suffered. I have been so miserable I didn’t even know how to fathom the energy to put together a plan to kill myself. and thank god for that level of depression, because I didn’t die. because I’m supposed to be here and finally I feel I can make some peace with my singular identity as Me, Cassie. someone who is fun, funny, smart, relatable, bipolar, and so much more. I feel terrified of stigmatization even though I know it’s fucked up that it even exists. At least, I think, with the delusional disorder diagnosis, even though it was similar to a schizophrenic diagnosis just lacking frequency of symptoms, hardly anybody knew what it was. Oh I have a thought disorder and the propensity to think in delusional ways sometimes. NBD tho as u can see I’m perfectly fine :). So many more people know about bipolar. And many have strong opinions. The plus here is that there is more push to end stigmatization and more research into ways to cope manage and accept this diagnosis which I am so thankful for, and more easily accessible community. There was nothing on delusional disorder. It was so uncommon that when my psychiatrist in the rehab told my therapist what my diagnosis was she handed me the DSM to read about it because she didn’t know what it was. Yeah, I went to rehab. Last november (2017) I had a psychotic break, though it was not my first experience with delusion. I became manic as a response to feeling rejected by a guy and it escalated to me hardly sleeping, doing a lot of cocaine and other drugs, and having a full blown psychotic break. I experienced psychosis for 2 and a half months. The first 3 weeks of this stint it was all i could feel or think about. At first it was fun, until it wasn’t. I legitimately thought that there was a secret society the illuminati that had been made to “illuminate” me, that all art had been inspired by me, the energetic muse, lucifer “finally reincarnating” back to earth in the age of aquarius and dawn of immortality, and nobody around me was safe because I was all that was valued by this illuminati and the people who I loved most were in danger because while I loved them most and the illuminati knew this, the illuminati was angry that these people has hurt me, someone who was so impressionable, “born schizophrenic and able to hide it in order to learn about ‘normal society’”, and were responsible for the pain I felt which I  handled with negative coping mechanisms like addiction. So it was my job to create worldly and spiritual circumstances to keep them safe from disaster and accident or murder because they all felt so bad about hurting me subconsciously that they had less of a will to live, and this was a dangerous way to think, subconsciously of course. That I was everyone’s higher self in the 4d’s favorite 3d person other than their person, and that they all were working to send me messages from the consciously unaware around me. I was fully out too my mind. I legitimately thought I was lucifer, the most hated person on the planet but god’s favorite angel, ready to ask for entry back into heaven. And the only thing that was me was my fear response to my thoughts and the way I read into everything. no I can’t dare think this this can’t dare be true but somehow everything around me is telling me it is. Literally fuck this. I felt that I needed to be with loved ones constantly to “keep them safe” and I understandably was simultaneously scaring the shit out of my family due to my mental health, and exhausting them. my mom and I both agreed the best thing was for me to go into a treatment center, the rose house. A “dual-diagnosis” rehab that treated mental health and addiction. Cool, well when I got there apparently every single reason I had mental health problems was because I had used substances, not because I had struggled with my mental health since becoming conscious in light of my father passing when i was almost 9 and eventually found drugs as a coping mechanism. I felt shamed for my addiction to marijuana and 100% misunderstood and ostracized. out of the 15 women there all of the girls my age were in primarily for addiction and the only woman who was there for first mental health was an older woman named Kathleen, and she wasn’t an addict. The delusions never stopped I got better at hiding them. I was heavily medicated, afraid, fearing homelessness if i didn’t follow my family wishes to finish the 90 day program, and still pretty insane. After I got my diagnosis I left the treatment the night I got onto “transition” 67 days in and got my phone back, called a friend, and got brought up to fort collins where thank god emma was willing to let me stay with her. Miraculously, the delusions stopped within days. I was no longer so stressed and afraid that I couldn’t think for myself. I was bipolar this entire time. and my mania was “so irrational and unrecognizable” that they didn’t even know to recognize that this was my issue, it was more like I was “almost schizophrenic” without the visual hallucinations or auditory hallucinations. I wasn’t hearing other voices, but the voice in my head wanted me dead just as much as it told me I had a special reason to stay alive. I had a “sane reaction to insane circumstances”, and I temporally lost my mind. and I was petrified and anxiety ridden to the point I couldn’t function for months. I couldn’t make a single decision for weeks without going into full blown panic. I felt like everyone knew something that I didn’t and that they couldn’t tell me what I thought I knew, just give me hints, because otherwise they could be punished and also because they “believed in me”. I felt horribly betrayed while simultaneously fearing abandonment and isolation so much I felt I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  

When I experienced full blown psychosis that was so scary, my whole life went to shit. I lost my scholarships. I lost my house in boulder so my family could afford rehab. everything changed while I was in panic and when I “returned” to a “normal” state of mind I couldn’t recognize anything in my own life, even myself. When I was on medication I gained 70 pounds in 2 and a half months. I went into rehab 95 pounds. I was so manic for months, either full blown or hypo, that I would forget to eat. And I was 165 when I left. I hated my life and the months following I was more depressed than I can ever remembered. I relapsed in april. april to september was a mix of drugs and romance that I don’t really care for. When I got sober again, prompted by a really scary night of returning to psychotic thinking which I thankfully learned reality checking skills for, I feel like after 4 almost 5 years of using drugs I was finally ready to stop feeling so out of control, at least with my substance use. Thank god for today, no matter how afraid i am of my future. I am just as hopeful. I have for hate myself for the ways I have treated people in my manic episodes, my family in my depressive episodes, and how I can hardly even remember it. but I do not deserve to feel this hate. I was suffering. I was living in a world I hadn’t found the words to describe. and now I know. That I am beautiful. truly. inside and out. and I have a beautiful mind. I love fiercely. I believe I can make a contribution to help “save the world”. That those who are mentally ill should be hugged tightly when they need it, that schizophrenic people especially, imo, are horribly and unfairly understood and deserve to feel cherished and accepted just as much as anyone else, not to be feared and casted out of society. I believe every single person no matter what deserves to know they are not alone, no matter how lonely they feel, and so much more good. I am not the ugly or the bad. I am a motherfucking survivor. And thank god I didn’t die the day I re-enacted my dad’s car accident. Because I do have a purpose, and it is special. Most importantly, it’s just as special as everyone else’s special purpose. We are all in this together. And I’m excited to find a community of people who have fought similar battles. Who I can laugh about my “a trillion under the sun” delusions with and find humor in the ways my mind sought to preserve a will to live. and how other people have done the same. I am me, and today I became free of my own condemnation. I will struggle, but now I know there is community and resources that I don’t need to scour the earth to find. I have a home, and it is here, proud to be me. There is confetti everywhere around my room. Who knew that balloon I had been so afraid of letting go of was my own attempt to celebrate myself. I may feel late to my own party, but I’m here now. And there is no problem with not wanting my room to always look like a wild rave. I can always make more confetti, anyways :) 

To end with some gratitude, thank god for my true friends and my family. Emma has never left my side as my best friend, even in the distance of living in different parts of the state.  She is my best fucking friend. My other close best friends as well, who have not been afraid to hug me when I swore to them my entire body was covered in needles. My mom, who has done everything for me to make sure I know I am never truly alone, no matter how much my mind tries to tell me otherwise. For my little brother, for putting up with my craziness and still being willing to love me and laugh with me at the end of the day. Everyone in my life now is so beautiful it’s hard to deny that there may be some beauty in me, too, then, if they all tell me they like when I’m around. I’m grateful to know that my father, who i have idolized though gone now, was whole loved by the people around me. Whose described as “large than life” personality and substance abuse may have been a way to mask bipolar symptoms, was still a loved personality and loved person. This I know. This people have convinced me. and that I am of him just as much as I am of my mother. I’m grateful for the mental health professionals who have not given up on me, even when they required i be medicated in order to be able to be worked with, even when i was misdiagnosed, these people have helped to save my life too. so many times. And I am so grateful for my higher power, for prayer, the only thing that felt safe to think that sometimes I would just repeat the serenity prayer for hours for the sake of at least having a way to direct my anxious energy and not be in panic from my own delusional thoughts. God, who has always shown me that i will never be truly abandoned or given up on, who has helped me understand my higher power as something that is absolutely not punitive. My family and friends have been my lifeboats, and god, the universe, gaia, the god in every person, has shown me how to survive the storm. I am. I desire. I see. and i am free. 

This has been such a clusterfuck of emotions coming out that I have been wanting to feel for a long time and as messy as this is i’m grateful as well for the will to sit through this and write about these experiences, no matter the feelings they bring up. Because know I feel free to understand that the feelings will pass, sometimes more quickly than others, and that I can always survive. Even when that’s all I “manage” to do. Today. I stayed sober. I laughed. I put up the christmas tree with my mom and brother. I talked on the phone with my best friend. I told close friends what I learned about myself today. and I got diagnosed with bipolar. and I found a hope and interpretation for my mental narrative that I never felt was right for me because i don’t understand the words for what i was experiencing. I have learned today. And I have grown. and I am smiling as i finish typing this with tears rolling down my face, because I believe I can be happy. Sustainably happy. and sustainably grateful and hopeful when it’s hard to get to feeling the happiness. I believe and I survive. and I become<3 I am 21. I am brilliant. and I am bipolar. 

#bipolar #personal #off my chest #very personal #text

[your-dietician]

Bipolar Disorder vs. Depression: Key Differences

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/bipolar-disorder-vs-depression-key-differences/

Bipolar Disorder vs. Depression: Key Differences

Bipolar disorder and depression are similar in a number of ways, including several shared symptoms. In fact, some symptoms are so closely related, they may be confused by those not clinically trained to make a psychiatric diagnosis. 

Bipolar disorder is a condition that causes drastic mood swings. Your moods can range from extreme highs to very deep lows.  

Depression, on the other hand, is an intense sense of sadness that you can’t pull yourself out of. 

As you might imagine, although some symptoms may overlap, there are many differences between these two conditions as well. In order to get the appropriate treatment you’re seeking, it’s essential to understand what bipolar vs. depression can look like.  

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar disorder, sometimes referred to as manic depression, is a disorder that causes intense, often uncontrollable mood swings. Someone with bipolar disorder will experience extreme “highs,” (also called mania) where everything, from energy to agitation, is intensified. During a manic episode, you might feel incredible energy, happiness, impulsivity, or even restlessness. 

At the other end of the scale, the depressive state, you can feel exhausted or irritable, have difficulty making decisions, or even have suicidal thoughts.  

What are the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder?

Wondering how to know if you are bipolar? Signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder can range, depending on the state you’re in. Symptoms, when someone is in a manic state, can widely vary from what they experience when they’re in a depressive state. Severity of bipolar symptoms (how bad they are) in either state can differ as well. 

In a manic state, manic symptoms may include:

Extreme overexcitement that lasts for a long time

Inability to focus

Easily distracted

Agitation

Restlessness

Racing thoughts

Over-committing to projects, work, or engagements (socially or professionally)

Feeling like you don’t need sleep

Talking fast and loudly

Feeling very energetic

Having a sense of self-importance

In a depressive state, depressive symptoms may include:

Feeling extreme exhaustion

Irritability

Having suicidal thoughts

Feeling worthless

Indecisiveness

Irregular eating habits

Irregular sleeping patterns

Difficulty focusing

Behavioral changes

What is Depression?

Depression (also known as major depressive disorder when talking about severe depression) is a mood disorder that can cause near-constant tiredness, sadness, difficulty dealing with daily life and responsibilities, despair, and sleep and appetite disruption. Most often, depression is the result of a combination of factors and events, not just one event.

When it’s severe, depression can interfere with just about every aspect of your life. It can make simple things like showering and getting dressed feel overwhelming. It can cause you to lose interest in things you enjoyed doing at one time.  

What are the signs and symptoms of depression?

Signs and symptoms of depression can vary from mild to severe. You can have some days where symptoms are more intense than others. A depressive episode generally has at least 5 or more symptoms, and they can last most of the day for weeks at a time (or longer). If you’re depressed, you may experience feelings of: 

Intense sadness

Hopelessness

Pessimism

Worthlessness

Lack of interest in things you once found joy in

An “empty” feeling

Insomnia

Sleeping more than normal

Not eating enough, or eating too much

Restlessness

Inability to concentrate

Headaches, miscellaneous pains, or aches

Irritability 

Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Are These Conditions Treatable?

The most important thing to remember when it comes to treating bipolar vs depression is that the earlier you start and the more consistent you are, the more effective your treatment will generally be. In both cases, medication and therapy are  common treatment options. 

Treating bipolar disorder

Bipolar disorder treatments often include a mood stabilizer and/or one of the many newer antipsychotic drugs that are available and approved for use. Most often, a combination of the two treatments is the go-to. Today, mental health care providers are able to help you find the right combo of medications that can help the symptoms of bipolar depression and bipolar disorder overall, without triggering a swing into a manic state. 

On that note, it’s important to keep in mind that a careful treatment plan will monitor your symptoms and make sure one medication isn’t affecting other areas of your bipolar disorder. 

For example, although an antidepressant can be an effective form of treatment for someone with a major depressive disorder, they’re typically not the first line of treatment for bipolar depression. And they’re almost never given as a sole treatment as it may worsen the rapid cycling for those with bipolar disorder. 

Some options for medication and treatment that can be prescribed for bipolar disorder may include:

Antipsychotic drugs — Studies show that some antipsychotic drugs can be effective for treatment of bipolar disorder in studies. They work by targeting neurotransmitters in the brain that help stabilize behavior and mood. 

Central nervous system (CNS) depressants — CNS depressants cause neurotransmitters to slow down brain function and can help treat sleep issues associated with bipolar disorder and anxiety during manic states.

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) — ECT introduces a brief electrical stimulation of the brain. It can be used when someone who’s bipolar is having suicidal behavior or psychotic symptoms, but it’s not generally the first line of treatment.

Psychotherapy — Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), family-focused therapy, and interpersonal or social rhythm therapy have been known to increase treatment response time. 

*NOTE: Professional treatment and guidance are important, and you should ask your doctor or licensed therapist about ways you can best manage any mental health diagnosis. 

Treating depression

Treating depression can include a combination of medication — like an antidepressant or anti anxiety medication — and therapy (such as talk therapy). In the event of a diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder (now more commonly known as major depressive disorder with seasonal pattern), some have even found successful treatment using light therapy, where doses of exposure to white light can help improve and regulate a depressed mood. 

Other options that many people have found success with (in addition to medication and therapy) include integrating some alternative therapies into your treatment plan. Some of these options might include:

Acupuncture — Some have found they’re able to manage and relieve stress through the ancient art of acupuncture, where trigger points might be able to stimulate the central nervous system.  

Exercise — Exercise is proven to increase the release of a chemical known as endorphins, which are natural mood enhancers.

Medication — Medication can play an important and essential role in your mental health and managing your depression diagnosis.

Self-care — It’s OK (and so important) to be able to recognize and respect your own limits. Too much stress is never a good thing, and it can ultimately further anxiety in all of us. Taking care of yourself by getting enough sleep, eating well, and setting boundaries for how much you’re willing to take on are all ways you can practice self-care and self-love. 

Supplements — Some supplements are known to reduce stress and help you feel better and brighter. 

Vitamins — Vitamins are another way to increase energy and keep vital nutrients in your system, so your body will have what it needs to be as healthy as possible. 

*NOTE: Professional treatment and guidance are important, and you should ask your doctor or therapist about ways you can best manage any mental health diagnosis. 

How to get help for bipolar disorder or depression

If you’ve ever wondered: Am I bipolar or depressed?, you should absolutely find someone to talk to. Your doctor or mental health care provider is your first line of defense when it comes to correctly diagnosing, and then treating, the symptoms most people experience with either bipolar disorder or depression. 

Because these two are so closely related in terms of symptoms, it’s important that you seek out professional help with someone clinically trained and licensed in how to best set up a treatment plan. The first step to finding help is getting the right diagnosis. 

Wondering if you are depressed? Our depression test can help you decide on your next steps.  

Dealing with any mental health condition can feel overwhelming in the beginning. Dealing with bipolar disorder versus depression can be challenging to navigate, but there is help out there. Remember that you have resources available and access to the help you’re looking for. Any time you’re struggling with your mental health, you can:

Find a licensed therapist to talk to

Talk to your family doctor to ask for a referral

Be mindful of your stress and anxiety, and try to limit exposure to things that you know are triggers

Explore options for medication (with the help of your doctor or mental health care provider)

Find support groups as part of your therapy

For more information on bipolar disorders, contact Talkspace today. You can get common questions answered around bipolar relationships or the difference between borderline personality disorder vs. bipolar. Connecting with a licensed therapist can help you determine a diagnosis and treatment plan that’s right for you.

Sources:

What Is Depression?. Psychiatry.org. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression. Published 2020. Accessed August 15, 2021.

What is Bipolar Disorder? Stanford medicine. https://med.stanford.edu/bipolar/bipolar.html . Published 2021. Accessed August 13, 2021.

Baldessarini, R.J., Vázquez, G.H. & Tondo, L. Bipolar depression: a major unsolved challenge. Int J Bipolar Disord 8, 1 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40345-019-0160-1. Published 2020. Accessed August 15, 2021.

Rolin, Donna PhD, APRN, PMHCNS-BC, PMHNP-BC (Clinical Associate Professor and Director)1; Whelan, Jessica APRN, PMHNP-BC (Owner, Chief Executive Officer)2; Montano, Charles B. MD (Director, Principal Investigator)3 Is it depression or is it bipolar depression?, Journal of the American Association of Nurse Practitioners: October 2020 – Volume 32 – Issue 10 – p 703-713 https://doi.org/10.1097/JXX.0000000000000499 Published 2020. Accessed August 15, 2021.

Depression. Mental Health Foundation. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression/. Updated 2021. Accessed August 15, 2021.

Talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health-wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices. Articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards.

Our goal at Talkspace is to provide the most up-to-date, valuable, and objective information on mental health-related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions.

Articles contain trusted third-party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source.

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[addorganizedstudent]

10 Common MYTHS About Bipolar Disorder 1.) It’s all in my head.    --I’m not looking for an excuse to explain my erratic behavior and racing thoughts on. This isn’t even something I wanted. I was told I have it and tried to deny it and prove them wrong only to be proven wrong myself and proving them right anyways...

2.) Bipolar disorder is another name for people with “mood swings”   --I wish it was that easy... but no, it’s not even close. The mood swings are more severe, longer lasting, and they impact my ability to continually care for basic needs such as holding a job or showering daily.  3.) People with BiPolar disorder are all creative geniuses.   --Not..true.. some of us are. some of us aren’t. My manic episodes start off as me thinking I’m going to do this big amazing thing and then starting it only to get about halfway through it and lose focus or drive and then I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything but that I want to finish what I started but I’m so tired that I can’t and so I don’t... I don’t NOT do it because I won’t want to.. I don’t because I physically can’t talk my arms into moving, or I can’t get my legs to go to the spot or get in the shower and then I have to tell myself how horrible I am because I can’t even do this simple basic necessity...

4.) People with BiPolar switch back and forth from mania to depression all the time, or are ill all of the time.    --Nope. In fact, my manic episodes can last for up to a week and go away with no warning... or I can go weeks or even months appearing and BEING fully functioning without a symptom and then all of a sudden.... bam... I’m so down that I can’t figure out what day of the week it is. 

5.) People with BiPolar feel great and happy when they’re manic.   --For some people, the mania is a feel good thing. It can FEEL like a happy UP time.. because you’re manic. But this is not a one size fits all diagnosis for a one size fits all disease. This is something that is different for each person. It’s easy to feel euphoric during a manic cycle for some, but for others it can be chaotic and mixed. I have been manic AND depressed at the same time. I have to get up and do something but I’m so depressed that I don’t see why I’m alive so I have to find things to fill the void. So I become hyper sexual or take unnecessary risks and purchase things I can’t and shouldn’t buy or afford because all I can see is the right now and the here and now are all I can focus on. But then when I come down, it’s like the depression or mood stayed the same, but the energy and drive went away so I’m down down down all over again but worse than a normal day. Some peoples’ mania can be explosive anger or abusive outbursts. Others can be one panic attack into another and another into another and you become so paranoid that the people across the street walking their dog must be watching you because they stopped for more than a second and what kind of person does that(going a million miles a second through your head) or insomnia for days on end... it’s not pretty or fun.

6.) Recovery isn’t possible.    --This is not true.. With the correct treatment plan and help and sometimes, yes,.. even medication regimen.. BiPolar is manageable and can be lived with in a healthy way. You can have months and months where you’re symptom free not because you aren’t BiPolar... but because your treatment and mind over matter are stronger than your diagnosis and you are handling it in a healthy way. Comprehensive care is key. This means counseling, therapy, medication, diet and lifestyle changes and even sometimes, a change in who you hang out with. Some people aren’t good for your mental health and need to be cut free. If they aren’y helping your healthy changes, then they need to be let go. Getting enough sunlight, getting regular exercise, eating better, taking our meds daily and even though this may seem easy for those without BiPolar, it’s hard for us who have it. Some days I’m great. diet...check, take my meds...check, went for my walk...check, made sure I got sleep...check, kept record of my foods and didn’t skip breakfast...check. But others, this is impossible to where I’ll get 4 days in and realize I haven’t slept and don’t remember the last time I ate was and if I took my meds last night. Recovery is possible, but it is an every..single..day..hard..mindful..lifetime exercise. 

7.) Manic Depression is different from BiPolar Disorder   --Wrong.. It’s the exact same thing but with a new name because they learned more things about BiPolar and decided that simply calling it Manic Depression wasn’t enough. There are many types of BiPolar disorder and Manic Depression is just a blanket term used before the psychologists truly understood BiPolar or knew there were different types... 

8.) Once BiPolar is under control, we don’t need to take medications anymore.   --This, as outlined in number 6 above, is wrong as well.. BiPolar episodes can last for days, weeks, months, or even years in some. So to say that we are better now and don’t need meds is wrong. The reason we are better is because of our meds and if we stop taking them, the bad stuff comes rushing back and most times at a lightning speed never before witnessed and we become worse and worse each time. Many people believe they only need to take their meds on bad days and this is not true. In order to have continuous good days we need to continually take our meds to balance out our brain’s neurons and keep everything level. It would be amazing if we never had to take our meds again once we were better.. but the truth is, it’ll never be better.. it’s just how managed your BiPolar is with medication(s). Rising cost of meds, the medication roulette our doctors put us through trying to find the right medication or mixture of medications it’s going to take to regulate our moods and the chemicals in our brains. The constantly changing side effects and regulating to new meds if your body adapts to the medication.. it’s tiring,. it really is... but if we were to stop taking the meds once we thought we were better... we would relapse and like any other disease, would have to reap some pretty horrible consequences. 

9.) Children can’t have BiPolar OR You can’t be diagnosed until you’re 18 years old.   --While it’s hard to tell the difference between BiPolar symptoms and age appropriate mood swings as well as hard to diagnose, but children as young as 6 yrs old have been diagnosed. You just have to look harder and examine a lot more in depth because an improper diagnosis can cause harm if you improperly medicate an adolescent for BiPolar, but it IS possible and is DOES happen. 

and finally... 

10.) There’s a test for BiPolar.   --No, there’s not... there are symptoms displayed and when a professional is vigilant in seeing the symptoms for what they are, they can all be put together to show BiPolar and it MUST be diagnosed by a professional. 

Being BiPolar is not a fun thing to walk around telling people that you are or laughing off and joking around about.... It is a real, sometimes painful thing that a lot of people suffer from daily. 

#Bipolar #Myth #Mental Health

[at-night-his-song-is-with-me]

The Second “B”

I wrote about the first “B” recently, which means there are others. There are three; here is number two:

Bipolar.

I met with a new psychiatrist almost a month ago. He gave me a short spiel about how medication is the easiest fix, that it will be hard work done through counseling that will make the real difference, and so on. As someone who has been working hard in counseling on and off (mostly on) for the last nine years, those kinds of messages are not effective. I know counseling is important. I know I’m not going to get better without my own hard work. To remind me of that, when his job was to tackle the medication, seemed to imply that I wasn’t putting forth that work—that I wanted a quick, easy fix without having to do anything myself. I was frustrated, to say the least.

He diagnosed me with Borderline while I was in an inpatient unit for suicidal intent. But the few times I’ve met with him (twice on the unit, once a few weeks after), he didn’t want to hear about my symptoms, my struggles, what was going on... he barely gave me the time of day. If I hadn’t related so strongly to what I’m reading in Shari Manning’s Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, which was my own research into the diagnosis, not something he suggested, I would question whether he only diagnosed me with Borderline because of my self-harm.

But let me tell you about this past December:

I would typically wake up around 7am, often for work at 7:30. Sometimes I would fly around my suite to run out the door within five minutes; other times I would lie in bed, not moving, for a full three hours, mentally yelling at myself to move, to get up, to roll over and get out of bed, until—exhausted—I dragged myself up to start the day. I would pull on some clothes, hopefully anything that was clean and not too wrinkled from never having made it to the closet, use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and stare at my shoes for 25 minutes until I was able to make myself bend over and put them on.

For a few hours almost every morning, roughly 8am - 11am, I would sit fairly non-responsive, wishing I were dead. Sometimes I could fake some semblance of functionality—go to work, go to a class, go to church. Inwardly I would think longingly of suicide. But it’s hard to walk to the store to buy bleach to kill yourself when you can’t stand up without feeling light-headed and exhausted. So I would sit there, trying my hardest to engage and function, while a seeping numbness and lethargy spread from my hands to my arms and to my feet. If someone touched my shoulder or suddenly asked me a question, I could usually respond out of reflex. But anything I wanted to say or do was almost entirely out of reach. 

My norm was a lack of interest or pleasure in doing things. My norm was intense suicidal thoughts every morning. My norm was lethargy, weight gain, sleeping far too long, poor concentration, overwhelming sadness, inability to get out of bed, and marked hopelessness.

But none of this is new. This has been the norm since 2009 at the latest.

However, by the end of last semester, a growing change from the past couple years had climaxed. For most of Fall 2018, I slept only 2-4 hours a night, contrasted with my typical 9-12. Sometime between 3 and 7pm, almost every day, I would rise out of the suicidal depression I just described. Great, right? Except it wouldn’t stop rising. Within the span of a couple hours (sometimes less than 20 minutes), I would go from being so slow, lethargic, and non-responsive, to being uncontrollably hyper, loud, impulsive, and restless. A little bit is enjoyable. A moderate amount is tolerable. But I started feeling guilty spending time with my friends, because I couldn’t tone down my volume. Because I couldn’t sit and listen and engage in a normal conversation as my thoughts were unfollowably bouncing everywhere and gushing out of my mouth.

I usually first noticed the fidgeting. For most of my life, I’ve been a still, contained individual. Even leg-shaking is uncommon for me. I would notice the leg-shaking start, which usually progressed to shaking out my hands, which would progress to jumping in place and dancing and urging my friends to walk faster with me, sometimes even escalating to running outside around a building to try to burn off some of the restlessness.

Those nights I would also be impulsive. I once jumped in a large puddle at night in the middle of December in a dress, soaking and freezing myself up to my thighs, then did it again at the next puddle because I couldn’t help myself. I almost ran outside in a hailstorm. I ate an entire 8 oz. block of cheese in less than 5 minutes without realizing it. I almost spontaneously kissed a boy I was not dating.

I couldn’t slow my brain down enough to focus on my textbooks, upbeat music that still seemed too slow, or meaningful conversations with people. I would try to go to sleep, often around 3am, but whether I would fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time was entirely hit or miss. By the time I finally fell asleep and calmed down, it was nearly time to get up again. And the cycle would start over. Severe depression for a few hours, a few hours of almost normalcy, then the rest of the day out of control. Someone once described, from their external perspective, the emotional whiplash I seemed to go through on a daily basis, and that was even before it had escalated to this severity.

Fortunately, toward the end of last semester, I was prescribed Saphris and Lamictal, medications to tone down mania and help lift depression, respectively. I’ve been back on those two for about a month and a half now (I had some glitches and ended up off them for a little while), and I no longer feel like my mood and energy are careening out of control on a daily basis—no longer swinging from unbearably low in the morning to frighteningly out of control in the evening. For the first time in 9 years, medication seems to be doing something.

I’ve tried depression medications for most of the last 9 years. It has not been a quick and easy fix to find one that even does anything noticeable. I’m no psychiatrist, but what I’ve described here is more than ‘emotional dysregulation from lack of coping skills.’ These days I’m not struggling with mania or hypomania (again, I’m not a psychiatrist) nearly as badly as I was a few months ago, since I started the Saphris. The depression is still nigh unbearable a lot of the time (we’re going on day 5 of nearly non-functional), but at least one end has been tamed. And a pervasive low is definitely different from how out of control I felt last semester.

I’m going to see a new psychiatrist in about a month (my last one recently referred me, which might be for the best, all things considered). I hope she can help me better manage the depression side of things. On days that the depression is not quite so bad, it’s a lot easier to try to manage the Borderline. I know I have to put the work in, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to be better equipped (through medication) as I do so.

~soli Deo gloria

#Borderline #bpd #bipolar #borderline personality disorder #mental health #medication

[hellacioushedonist]

The first time that I knew something wasn’t right, I started collapsing into horrific fits of desperate sadness. My lungs would spasm and shake and I would rip at anything I could find to try and get whatever it was out of my body. My palms were always covered in halfmoons, my nails trying to dig in deeply enough to remind me that I was alive. These times were such a sharp contrast to what I considered normal. Happy, happy, shiny and plastic and never quite real. Life was a party and I was the hostess. 

They tried to diagnose me at 16. I had a psychiatric evaluation and they said “Bipolar Disorder” like it was a death sentence. I told the psychiatrist that I wasn’t sick and I never went back. There were so many nights that I was broken and crying on the floor, my mother hysterically asking me what she should do, if she should take me to the hospital, if I wanted to die. I did want to die. The first time I let her take me to a hospital, I was so scared. My brain and body decided that it was time and I couldn’t stop myself from scratching and biting and dreaming of all of the ways I could make it stop. I got to the emergency room and the nurse watching me asked me what was wrong and told me I was too pretty to be sad. I was 17 and almost didn’t graduate high school because of all the time I spent crying in bed. I didn’t yet know how to enunciate that I wasn’t sad, my chemical imbalances just can’t keep up with themselves. 

 College made me feel normal. Mania never felt scary when everyone around you was just as irresponsible, just as sleep deprived, just as carefree. I had bad times, but I always excused them. Its just the change of living on my own, I would tell myself. Its just stress, it’s just missing your old friends, it’s just the sadness that comes with getting older. I started getting sicker my sophomore year. I started therapy and went regularly, the first therapist that lasted more than three sessions. I kept getting sicker, and she kept trying to help me. We ran out of things to talk about and it became uncomfortably clear that the problem was chemical. I stopped being able to go to class. Some weeks all I could do was pull myself out of bed for my weekly meeting with her. Some weeks, not even that. Our sessions became us making calls to my health insurance, to psychiatrists, to hospitals. When I came home for Thanksgiving, I went to my nurse practitioner because I wanted to die and my parents wanted me medicated. She refused to release me, said I could either call an ambulance to take me to the hospital or call someone to pick me up and take me. 

This time when they gave me my diagnosis, I was too sad to refuse. I took the pills without asking questions. I sat in group therapy sessions and told the therapists what they wanted to hear before they were finished asking. I knew how to cope. I had been coping with these imbalances since I was 15, since the first time I thought to myself “something is broken”. I didn’t talk for two days and I did the same puzzle so many times I knew the pieces by touch. I went home with a diagnosis and a prescription but no follow up doctor appointments. I went home with burned images of the man who admitted himself because he was coming down off of heroin and left after a few hours because they wouldn’t let him sleep, the woman who admitted herself to try and get away from her abusive husband and admitted before she left that she would stay, the man who spent all of lunch hour running the perimeter of the courtyard to try and burn off some of the mania. Any time I think about the hospital, I think about the young veteran who came in with a slit throat and slit wrists. His bandages had to be changed every few hours when they became too soaked through with blood and I never heard him speak. 

I went back to college and stopped sleeping. I changed my major three times before classes started, I started feeling bugs crawling on my skin, when my body shut down and made me sleep I was trapped in the hell of sleep paralysis, I started seeing figures that weren’t there and I was so paranoid that I couldn’t be alone or something horrible was going to get me. It wasn’t the medicine’s fault that my brain was sick, but I didn’t know that. I stopped taking the pills. I drank a bottle of vodka and had a panic attack, I took a handful of sleeping pills without thinking. I laid for a long time and everything burned, I tried to make myself throw up and nothing came out, I took myself to the hospital and fell asleep alone and freezing with IVs trying to flush my system out. I asked them not to hospitalize me and they said someone had to come get me. I couldn’t think of anyone in town to call so I dialed my parents and told them I was quitting a school and I needed a ride home from the emergency room. 

I moved home and got a job. I eventually snapped out of depression. I moved to California on a whim, spent my days rebuilding a house and going out on the lake. I had so many plans, go back to school and become a resident and move to the city. Nothing was working out so I moved back home. I didn’t stay long before I moved in with someone I barely knew, a friend of a friend. I was stuck somewhere between mania and depression, I was filled with self loathing. I let people put their hands on me and I drank more than I didn’t. I ruined friendships and ended up alone. I fell into a depression. I didn’t get out of bed for days at a time. I snapped back into myself and was so far up in the clouds. I decided to go back to school the week before classes started and got everything pushed through, I dropped out a ten days later when I realized I couldn’t make myself sit through a fifty minute class. I moved again, I got a cat, I got piercings, I went to bars in short dresses. I worked a lot and didn’t sleep much. I started feeling like I wasn’t real, my mind was disconnected from my body. I started having sleep paralysis again, it got worse. I started doubting reality, I started seeing things that weren’t there, I started losing my mind.

Everything was hazy for a while. Through it all, I didn’t know I was sick. I fell into a horrible depression. I tried so hard to stay safe, I got scared and tried to admit myself. They said I seemed okay and sent me home. I went to a therapist who didn’t wear shoes and told me mental illness wasn’t real, I just needed to try harder. She prescribed me yoga. I woke up again, spent all of my inheritance on booze and food and friends who found me in bars and on beaches. I followed the same pattern, but this time I was no longer myself. There was nothing but illness, shrouded in escapism and gold. I stayed up for days at a time, I ripped my skin off convinced there were things trying to eat me alive, my head screamed at me until I was nothing but impulse. I was completely psychotic and nothing was real enough to ground me for more than a few minutes. This was the first time I realized I didn’t know how sick I was.

I started journaling. I kept cycling, but I was better able to recognize symptoms. I moved into my own place, I got a stable job. It was easier to make myself be some sort of okay. I flew to heaven and talked to God, I saw the things that attach myself to my body and my body to my brain. I started seeing a therapist and she started helping me be comfortable with medication. A few months later, I started trying some things with my nurse practitioner. A few months later when that wasn’t working fast enough I found a psychiatrist. We found medication that stabled me out enough to keep the spikes short and mild. We’re still working on finding the right things to make the bad days more tolerable. I have a job that I’m good at, I am able to look toward the future without feeling like I don’t have one, I create things that are beautiful. I have become something beautiful.

I will always be sick. It’s important for me to remember the severity of the sickness I have, because there are days that I can’t make myself take the medicine. There are days I miss the idea of the flight I used to feel, there are days that I still can’t get out of bed and it scares me so badly that I want to run away. There are many times that I want to go back to being so sick that I don’t know I’m sick. I will always be sick, but I must keep trying to be better. I must remember what I have put myself through, what I have put the people I love through. I’m petrified at the thought of anyone loving me, of anyone staying around long enough to see the ugly parts, of anyone staying around long enough to leave. I love them anyway, and I let them love me anyway. I let them see the ugly parts, and I make sure they know how bad it can get. They tell me when things are real, and when they aren’t. 

I’m still learning what normal is. I’m still figuring out how to let my skeletons go and I’m still trying to calm my nightmares. 

I will never be perfect, but I will always be good.

     -may 8, 2017

[saucywenchwritingblog]

What kind of bipolar do you have? What is like being medicated? Manic? Sorry if this is intrusive but I don't know anyone to ask. You spoke about it before so I hope it's OK.

Sorry it’s taken me so long to answer, Mous.  I am open about being mentally ill, but I don’t usually go into a lot of depth about it. 

NAMI and DBSA have some general info on bipolar disorder.  They explain the differences and criteria for the types without a ton of technical jargon. 

Uncomfortable personal details and real talk about mental illness behind the cut. It also got kinda long.

I’m bipolar type one with psychosis with rapid cycling.  I also have a lot of secondary diagnoses, but let’s stick to the BP for now.  A lot of people tend to freak out over the psychosis thing, but it isn’t like you see in the movies.  In my case, it means I tend to have a hard time figuring out reality if I am having a particularly bad episode.  BP one means that I have full blown manic episodes, compared to BP two which has hypomanic episodes.  The main difference between one and two is the severity of mania.  I can still have hypomania, but I also get the full ride.  Rapid cycling means that sometimes these episodes - manic or depressive - come and go fairly fast. It can get exhausting.

Mania is sort of a pet peeve for me.  People see a hypomanic episode in some TV show where the BP person is full of energy and having a great time, and then they tell me they wish they could be manic too.  No, trust me, you really don’t.  I mean sure, hypomania can be fun if it works out to be a mild euphoric hypomania.  It doesn’t always work out like that, though. 

There are different types of manias.  There’s euphoric, and the opposite end of the spectrum is dysphoric.  Ask five different BP people about them, and you will get five different descriptions, but right now you’re stuck with just me.  With either type, you have a lot of energy and get very little sleep, your eating habits will change so odds are that isn’t helping, and you have a lot of reckless behavior.  You also get a lot of intrusive thoughts.  The best way I can describe that is imagine standing in the middle of twenty people.  All of these people are yelling at you, wanting your attention, wanting you to do what they say and listen to them and they want it all right fucking now. Except all of these voices are inside your head, and there is no way to turn them off or make them stop.  That’s mania.

Euphoric mania is on the happier end of the spectrum, but that doesn’t mean it is fun.  This is where that reckless behavior really comes into play, because everything is interesting and fun and you do not ever think of the consequences.  Hypersexuality is a common symptom, and I don’t want to admit to some of the one night stands I’ve had.  Or I’ll pick up a guy while manic and date him until the mania goes away.  When he figures out that I am not the party girl he met, he breaks up with me - that’s what happened to my last long term relationship.  Euphoria also means that I get all sorts of great ideas like painting my house, or putting in a garden, or some other big project, except I can’t stop and concentrate long enough to actually finish it.  I have all this energy, but can’t ever get anything done because I am exhausted, can’t focus, and literally cannot stop moving.  So when people laugh and tell me how they wish they could be manic so they could clean their house, I just roll my eyes.  Trust me, your house won’t get clean, and you will probably ruin any relationships you have and lose your job while you are at it. 

Dysphoric mania has the same problems, except instead of everything being fun, it just pisses you off or makes you cry.  A doctor told me that a dysphoric mania is the most dangerous to a bipolar person because you can get suicidal and depressed, and you have the intrusive thoughts yelling that you don’t deserve to live, but because you are manic you have the energy and recklessness to act on those thoughts.  It’s not uncommon for a BP person to attempt suicide during a dysphoric mania.  It’s also common for them to do things that, while not an overt suicide attempt, may still result in death.  When I am having a dysphoric mania, I flip between being angry at everything and depressed and angry at myself.  This is where that psychosis can come in, and I get really paranoid sometimes, too.  Is that person in the store staring at me?  They are on their phone, are they calling the police?  Do they think I should be locked away?  Is that person driving behind me following me to my home?  When you add in a couple of my other dx like panic disorder and PTSD, life can turn into a real shitshow. 

No matter what type of mania you get, it is draining both emotionally and physically. 

Bipolar people have a complicated relationship with medications, and I am no different.  It’s usually a cycle. 

Realize that life has become intolerable and you cannot function as a human being anymore.

Find a doctor who prescribes you medications.  This is usually complicated by having to try several different meds and combos before something starts to work.

The meds are working, and you feel like a real person again.  Huzzah!

Get tired of having to take handfuls of pills every day, and having to see that doctor, and having to get your blood drawn every couple of months because the meds have side effects like liver failure and diabetes. 

You’ve been doing just fine for a while.  Maybe you are cured?

Stop taking your meds, usually without a doctor’s supervision.

Coast for a little bit, but then you start feeling bad.  This is where a lot of people start to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. 

Have an episode.

Go back to the beginning.  Rinse and repeat. 

There’s also a little secret that a lot of BP people won’t admit to someone who does not have it.  We get used to the crazy ups and downs, and the intensity and drama.  Being medicated, being stable and ‘normal’ and just like everyone else?  It’s safe, predictable, and boring.  I know there were times when I felt like I was going to scream if I had to keep doing the same old routine for one more day.  There were other factors that fed into that, but I blamed it on the medication and quit taking them.  Bipolar might be miserable and dangerous, but it is anything but boring. 

I’ve heard people describe being medicated as feeling like they are wrapped in cotton, or feeling like a zombie.  I don’t know if I agree with that totally, but I can understand it.  When you are medicated, you don’t feel emotions as sharply as you do during an episode.  Things aren’t as important or urgent.  It can make it feel like your emotions are muffled.  Don’t get me wrong, because that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Crying in the grocery store because they are out of your favorite yogurt isn’t exactly healthy behavior.  But having everything be dulled down can be awful if you are not used to it being like that.  You know there are bold, vibrant colors out there, but all you can see are pastels. 

I hope this was of some help, Mous.  Feel free to hit me up if you have any more questions.

#saucy speaks #mental illness #bipolar disorder #mental health #neurodivergent #Anonymous