#I didn't last year bc executive dysfunction | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hanasnx · 2 months

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(the executive dysfunction monster hit me too, i fear. was stuck between babydaddy!red hood and babydaddy!arkham knight, but i settled on red hood bc i'm choosing to gatekeep my ak thoughts)

baby daddy!jason, who you co-parent with in a very civilized way. no joke, the picture of camaraderie between exes. he takes your daughter on the days he's supposed to (which isn't that often, given his occupation) and brings her back on time, always with a little gift for you as well. flowers, chocolates, a little knick-knack reminiscent of when you were together. it's not because he's in love with you or anything; it's just the principle of the matter. "happy wife, happy life," not that you were married or even dating, but he figures the mother of his child should get love sometimes.

baby daddy!jason, who, the next time he sees you, it's to drop off something your daughter forgot with him, and as he's handing you the bag, he casually asks why you haven't been asking him to take her more often. you had been for a while when you were going on dates weekly, but for some reason, the relationships never went anywhere, so you just gave up. "oh, you know, it just wasn't working out." you say off-handedly, "kept getting ghosted." you sound only marginally disappointed, moreso annoyed. "hm, what a shame, they're really missing out," he says, getting real close to you and taking up your entire field of vision.

baby daddy!jason, who's got your entire calendar memorized and knows that his daughter's not home tonight, and you've got no plans other than watching movies in solitude. he knows you're too stubborn to call him over for company even though you've been giving him fuck me eyes in passing for the past few months, so he figures he just has to take matters into his own hands and corner you until you give in like he knows you want to.

baby daddy!jason who fucks you on damn near every surface in the house, telling you he's just christening the place like he would've already done if you lived together. whispers apologies in your ears about scaring off all of your dates while he's splitting you open, bullying his cock into you while your eyes roll to the back of your head because you haven't been fucked this good in years, not since the last time you'd been with him. your face is deep in some pillows when you realize the memories you had of his dick pale in comparison to the real thing, and you weren't sure you could go back to using your imagination to get off after tonight.

baby daddy!jason, who keeps you up all night until your pussy's red and puffy from how many times it'd come in contact with his hips while he was fucking you. fat tip kissing your cervix until you were clawing at his biceps, begging him to give you some reprieve, tears in your eyes while you babble incoherently, too lost in the feeling of him to make any sense. he admits in the midst of sex that he tried to get over you, he really did, but he just couldn't; just couldn't picture you with another man in any capacity. the thought of someone else touching you, fucking you, loving you, made his stomach turn, filling him with rage and an overwhelming need to claim you as his.

baby daddy!jason, who's a level-headed, non-fragile ego'd man until it comes to his family, which, contrary to what some would say, did not only consist of his daughter but you too, and any guy who tried to get with you was a threat. he didn't know the intentions of other men, but he knew his own, which was to keep his little family happy as long as he was alive. if that meant putting a gun to the head of anyone who made a move on you and consoling you by stretching you out the way he knew you liked until you just said "fuck it" and let him put another baby in you, then so be it.

-🍃

i have a hard time responding to long inbox messages but i wanted to tell you thank you for indulging me in my idea i loved reading this :)

#indy shoots the shit #thanks for the msg!!#anon: 🍃#ch: baby daddy!jason #jason todd prompt

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kenobster · 8 months

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Hey - just wanted to send a note after your last post bc I didn't interact with your Vader mpreg posts and wanted to explain why ,- it's not at all because I find you grotesque or any of those other terrible things!! I love your writing, I'm just in an Obi-Wan whump hyperfixation rn and scroll past anything that doesn't mention him 😭 I'm so sorry, it was never my intention to dig up any bad thoughts!! Sending you hugs ❤️

Hey friendo ❤️ Thanks for the ask and for sharing your feelings with me! I'm super grateful for your reassurance, you are very kind. I also really want you and everyone else to understand that y'all did absolutely nothing wrong. (Radiates huge hug energy for everyone!)

Like, I have scrolled past many a post without interacting with it. Sometimes I've even scrolled past posts that I want to interact with but am simply having a bout of executive dysfunction for whatever reason. There've also been many, many, many times (practically every time honestly) in which I do not reach the end of my dash by the end of the day and countless posts are lost to the whims of time because of it. And yeah, people will try to make us feel guilty for that. People who are hurting will especially try to make us feel guilty for that. There is post after post after post after post on this website demonizing people who don't comment or reblog for "ruining fandom." But those posts aren't being fair. Those posts are just coming from people who are hurting.

The truth is that life just be like this sometimes.

Regarding the other thing you said, I am well aware people follow me for a variety of interests! I know that not everyone shares my interest in horrifying atrocities against trainwreck villains, and that's fabulously okay with me. :) I like having differing dimensions and moods and places to exist. It's good for rainy days like today! And I'm very grateful that my broad spectrum of interests doesn't stop you from enjoying the things I post that you are interested in; that makes me incredibly relieved to hear!!

But yeah, so an interaction with a post about, say, Every Shadow isn't an interaction stolen from Vader's uterus. At least, not in my mind. It's true that I may be having feelings right now that are first affecting my ability to work on tamer/more popular interests -- but that doesn't mean I've forgotten every single wonderful person who has conveyed enjoyment of those interests! To the contrary, those people (you included!) make very happy and will continue to make me happy and have no bearing on my sad feelings in any way whatsoever. I enjoy asks about shadow AU and reblogs of Every Shadow chapters and likes of my dumb hot takes just as much today as I will next week and as I did last year. Yo, yesterday, someone even commented on one of the first Loki fanfics I ever wrote (back in 2014!), and even that gave me pure and utter joy. Believe it or not, there's no possible interaction any single one of you could have with me that could dig up bad thoughts or otherwise hurt me. So please don't ever feel like my sad feelings are reflective of anything anyone did or didn't do. <3

My sad feelings are a Me Problem, not a fandom problem. And sometimes Me Problems are nobody's fault. Sometimes people feel bad or need to take steps to preserve their mental health, and it's only the fault of some stupid brain chemicals trained to cause certain illogical reactions. But I'm gonna be fine, anon, so you keep being you. :)

#huge hug energy or #if you prefer #HHE #lmao #anyway #I uninstalled tumblr from my phone but my work computer is unable to block my dumbass from websites #and i have the self discipline of a gnat #so i saw this during a work break and i was like nuuuuuuuu anon <3333 #and wanted to reassure #also I noticed some other asks and messages and reblogged tags and stuff too! and I read all of them and greatly appreciate them #and I will answer everybody when I don't feel like total ass lol #thank u so much T_T <3 #answer #anon

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myadhdbot · 10 months

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tldr: nothing important

just knowing you might have adhd without the official diagnosis, and no means to even get one bc where you live in doesn't take mental health seriously, is so frustrating.

i relate to most of the adhd behaviours described online. i cannot regulate my attention. my recent hyper-fixation lasted almost an entire semester and i barely scraped through all the other subjects other than the ones i was really interested in. i also lose focus easily in class unless I'm writing every word they say down. executive dysfunction is an everyday thing. i cannot stop scrolling on the internet even though i mentally list all the better things i could be doing rather than waste time every 10-15 minutes. I'm easily bored and have had meltdowns in the past so yes i 98% think i have adhd probably a bit of anxiety as well.

but without the official diagnosis my imposter syndrome makes it so difficult to live guilt free. theres always stupid thoughts in my head saying if I'm just exaggerating things (i know I'm not) but it's so hard to shut down the voice and i go into a spiral thinking if I'm just being lazy, not working hard enough to get things done on time, not trying to remember important schedules or assignments, not trying complete my assignments or homeworks or reading until the very last minute.

my issues with memory also make it incredibly hard to recall anything other than some specific instances of my childhood and everybody (esp my mom) remembers a different version of me bc i lived in a boarding school from 11-16(until covid) and i was extremely high functioning. i used to ace tests without having to read too much and my boarding school had a very strict routine that made it easy bc i knew what i was supposed to do every minute of the day but when 11th grade came around everything changed even though i was still in the same boarding setup. i suddenly didnt do well in tests bc i hadn't needed to until then. so i don't know who i was, i don't know who i am or who I'm supposed to be.

i did nothing productive during the covid year couldn't concentrate in class. i read hp fanfics all day. i couldn't even read new books, or watch tv shows or pick up a hobby or learn a language (which is an interest of mine), nothing other than reading about the same people fall for each other in a thousand different au's. this was a very important stage in my student life and i didn't give university exams properly. i can't regret it bc i don't even think about it. i don't think about anything concrete but my mind is always busy.

(i don't even know where i was going with this. does this qualify as trauma dump?)

i see people with the same problems on the internet and it does relieve me to a certain extent but there's always doubt clawing at me. also bc in just 2 years I've to get a job and i hear how office spaces are not accomodating enough for nd folks and it's scary. i also don't really like the job profile very much but it's also bc i have no real direction in life. i dream about having a book cafe but it's not sustainable nor fair to my family ig.

sundays are not fun when you're in an existential crisis (if this even qualifies as one) and i have homework to do that I could've done anytime between the last 30 hours which I've procrastinated against doing until now.

#undiagnosed adhd #adhd things?#adhd brain #adhd stuff #adult adhd #muad

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the-force-awakens · 2 years

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I was tagged by @alwritey-aphrodite to do this, thank you hon!

Favorite time of the year: autumn, ofc! it's the time of year where the weather is bearable, where you can feel the significance and potential in the air like magic, and it's the time of year I feel the most like myself.

Comfort food: grilled cheese has a soft spot to be sure, but also mac n cheese too. and pastas! mm. pizza is good too.

Favorite dessert: apple or pumpkin pie! I'm not big on desserts because I don't have a big sweet tooth but my god I will go to bat for pie. Walmart had NEITHER the last time we were there and I consider this a personal fucking offense.

Things you collect: anything to do with poe dameron tbh, stuff about england, books on the paranormal, and pops!

Favorite drink: irish breakfast tea, water (basic, I know, and we're out of bottled water so I'm suffering bc the Taste Of the Tap Water Isn't Pleasant For My Autism), sweet tea, coca cola (hi space mom), lemonade, HOT COCOA BELOVED I need to get some, and root beer. Also I had some cool blue Gatorade last week and forgot how damn good it is so that too.

Favorite musical artist: florence + the machine, queen, imagine dragons, halsey and taylor swift are probably the ones I have most songs on spotify for. but atm it's definitely f+tm

Last song you listened to: willow tree march by the paper kites (I'm listening to my fall playlist! I'm very soft for this song bc i discovered it the same time I met my current group of friends back in 2017 here in tumblr dot com so it reminds me of all them).

Last movie you watched: multiverse of madness and it was so fucking good, so much better than I was expecting? I like that it felt like a comic book movie and the horror elements of course I ate up. I love that they didn't try to water down the ridiculousness of a comic story to make it more palatable for neurotypical mainstream audiences. It looks, sounds, and is paced like a comic book and I fucking loved it. Let Raimi do more movies!!!!!!!!!!

Last series you watched: *error noises* my memory isn't good. I'm pretty sure it was Moon Knight though because I rewatched The Friendly Type again last weekend because I was sick and needed the comfort lmfao. Last one I watched all the way through was, again, Moon Knight because I rewatched it with my mom (it was her first time watching it). Before that, I watched the first season of only murders in the building :')

Series you’re currently watching: well we were watching s2 of omitb but my folks got tired of it ldndksksl. I might try to finish it but idk yet? Aside from that, I'm still painstakingly making my way through the west wing (Josh Lyman I WILL kick my executive dysfunction for u)

Current obsession: *glances at my blog* I think it's kind of obvious nfjdfhd. Moon Knight is definitely one of my biggest spins right now, alongside Poe and the sequels. I think at this point I have to admit to myself that Oscar Isaac's filmography has slid a little ways from 'hyperfixation' to possible 'spin' as well. That guy's like catnip for the asd crowd and also the asexuals what's up with that.

Dream place to visit: so many places are you kidding? England, New York, New Orleans, and Rome!!

A place you’ve been you want to go back to: there's a comic store about an hour drive away that has sO MANY FUCKING COMICS IT HAS SO MANY BACK ISSUES but we haven't been in absolute y e a rs and honestly I want to go there so badly again and flip through the back issues and maybe find some mk stuff 👀

Something you want: currently a nap because I couldn't sleep last night lmfao. I'd also like to get to read more of seraphina bc I keep. saying I will and getting distracted (same goes with princess and scoundrel), snuggles, and pops of Marc & Steven to put by my bed...my heroes.

Currently working on: is it really fucking cheesy to just say myself? It's been a difficult year of really struggling to process the amount of bad that happened in such a short timespan for me (one of my pets passed away in january, I got and then promptly lost a job bc I was hoh), and the depression hit bad. I'm just a little bit proud of myself for where I am now (standing up for myself more, being more cautious with my energy & time), but I still have more to work on terms of really beginning to move on and find confidence in myself again and accept all the parts of me, even the oddest neurodivergent things about myself.

I tag: the usual mutuals, if they wanna do it <3

#tag games #apparently. i am chatty.#oops?#death mention cw #death cw

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somecunttookmyurl · 3 years

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If It is okay to ask, how to tell when a kid is adhd or just being a kid? Looking back I can see a few signs like constant daydreaming, restlesness fidgeting etc but that wasnt much different from the other kids. As a teenager it became more clear I think because most of girls my age were not behaving like tomboys anymore and the symptoms mentioned above did not go away plus i think I had/have rsd. But only now as an adult i feel like these things are actually getting on the way. I daydream a lot, the restfulness didn't go anywhere, rsd still anoying as fuck (i think this is related with being a people pleaser? I got that too) and i notice more and more this horrible thing you usually call executive dysfunction. I cant really get a diagnosis and while I relate to a lot of symptoms and posts adhd people share, I'm really scared Im just procrastinating and trying to use adhd as an excuse for not getting things done. And I feel really bad about that. So back to my original question, if the signs were there since childhood but did not trouble me until like 4 years ago, how can i tell If It was adhd or Just kid stuff?

i mean the fact it didn't go away is a pretty good tell, honestly.

redmore to save the dash

as an adhd kid you may, with other children

-had difficulty making/keeping friends or socialising and felt "weird" or "different"

-were not invited to parties, made excuses to not go, or acted inapproptiately when there (and were never invited back)

-easily gave in to peer pressure from a desire to "fit in"

-were probably called "gullible"

-found it difficult to "wait your turn" in any activity

-frequently picked last for games and team sports

-found it difficult to "share" things with others

-caused fights/arguments with siblings/other children over trivial things

-may have been called "spiteful" or "vindictive"

-not realised when you were "taking things too far" with joke or play

-tried to annoy people on purpose

_________________________________

as an ADHD child in school you may

-consistently not done school/homework until the last minute. not by choice, but because you could never seem to "just get started on it" until it was immediately pressing

-not known where to start with longer-term projects / never really "got" how to study or revise for exams. could not organise notes.

-made careless mistakes in schoolwork

-had report cards littered with "intelligent but could try harder" "needs to apply themselves" "has potential but lazy" etc

-parents/teachers said you had an "attitude" / you had a tendency to "talk back"

-often seemed to forget things you had already learned until you were reminded of them, or had difficultly linking knowledge together

-doodled a lot in class, and found doing so made it easier to listen

-easily distracted by external stimuli ie things happening outside the classroom window, or a conversation in the next room

________________________________

as an ADHD child at home you may

-had trouble getting up in the mornings (your parents had trouble dragging you up, and you felt groggy/sleepy "just 5 more minutes")

-had issues going to bed. did not seem "tired" at bedtime. stayed up late reading frequently. refused to get ready for bed.

-always been rushed to get ready for things

-being forgetful or "a ditz"

-being called "lazy"

-forgetful with daily activities such as brushing your teeth and would need to be reminded

-found it hard if not impossible to keep your room clean and organised. not "knowing where to start" with it

-walking past things without seeing them. eg my parents would leave my laundry on the stairs to take up and then berate me because "you've walked past it six times today". not really seeing mess in general bc it became "background noise"

-not following through on instructions/not finishing what you were asked to do. like doing half of the dishes

-you were over-sensitive to criticism

-would often lie to get out of obligations, maybe even compulsively (ie you couldn't help it)

-you answer to "why did you do/say x" or "why didnt you do x" was frequently "i don't know" and you genuinely didn't know

-liked to do things the same way every time and got upset if the structure or plan changed

-would become frustrated if your demands were not immediately met. could not "wait until later"

-somebody would ask you to do something and you wouldn't do it for several hours, without realising it had been that long

_________________________________________

as an ADHD child in your leisure time / emotionans you may

-people saying "are you even listening to me?" a lot

-talking excessively, being "a chatterbox"

-despite being a "chatterbox" around familiar people, you were very shy/withdrawn around others. your two modes are "verbal diarrhea" and "mute"

-answering questions before the person even finished asking, interrupting others a lot

-you had a lot of interests but didn't keep up with any of them for very long

-were "emotional" or "overdramatic" ie crying or getting angry easily

-identified as a "perfectionist" and would either hyperfocus on unimportant details, or gave up on new pursuits you were not "immediately good" at

-people said you have a "selective memory" because you can eg name all 151 pokemon in order but not remember to pick up milk on the way home

-your moods seemed to change quickly and drastically

-had difficulty "behaving yourself" in public ie when out shopping

-broke/smashed things when angry

-got injured by doing reckless/stupid things

-complained of "being bored" often

-watched TV or played video games excessively and could lose hours at a time without noticing

#all of this obv in addition to the general #daydreaming/fidgeting/inabiliy to sit still/excess physical energy #you can look up child ADHD rating scales #that would have been completed by a parent or teacher #and look back and score yourself

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dreamsculptor · 2 years

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this is my last post about it bc i have better things to do than obsess over a stupidass 24 year old with terminally online opinions

adhd as a diagnoses and the medication available is beneficial to the people affected by it. if i was not diagnosed with adhd, i would still think i was neurotypical and not understand why i have extreme difficulty in day to day life. i would feel even worse about not being able to function if i didn't understand that there is a specific mental reason that i cannot. if medication was not available to me i would be almost completely nonfunctional. this shit isn't "for the benefit of society" its so adhd people can FUCKING LIVE THEIR LIVES. executive dysfunction shuts me down to the point of not being able to cook, put dishes in the dish washer, fold clothes, or even sweep. some days i can function without medication, but other days i can hardly get out of bed without it.

yes, it is wrong to give medication to children when they don't fully understand their diagnosis or what the medicine does. but once you reach a point of comprehension and can make your own choice, for most people it IS for the benefit of their own fucking life. i don't take adderrall so that i'm "good for society," i take it so i have the executive function to actually fucking do things to make my own life something i enjoy. because it feels like shit to rot in bed with an overfilled laundry basket and a nasty stove because i haven't had the executive function to clean for days on end. do you think society fucking cares what my apartment looks like? no! i do! and i don't want to live in a fucking pigsty!

get the fuck off your anti-medication high horse. medication isn't some horrible evil tool of control, it's something that helps people live their day to day life. fucking good for you if you can function without it but not all of us can. fuck you lmfao

#transmission #ask to tag

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adultingautistic · 4 years

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[Sept. 7] Re: Non-Autism diagnosis. Thank you for your reply! (Ha - I realized as I typed this I consciously applied my mom's "thank you FOR + THING" formula for how to properly thank people. I used to just say "thank you"& didn't realize it could be rude). This will probably be some parts to explain more, sorry. So my mom was told that children w/Aspergers or Autism were "happy in their own worlds" & my trying to engage/wanting friends was a sign that it wasn't true. She also cared v [1/?]

strongly that I was never grouped in with ppl w/ Autism. I learned of the connection when there was a uni networking event for ppl with Autism & NLD, my diagnosis. It's Non-verbal learning disability, which basically means I struggle with non-verbal social cues, spatial awareness, visual learning, auditory processing & executive dysfunction. The more I knew people w Autism the more I saw a lot of overlap. There's also nearly no record of NLD existing.

It wasn't ever in the DSM, or lumped into anything. There have been few studies on it, & a lot is speculation. The best I can find is some early 2010's Psychology Today think pieces. I was also diagnosed with "tics" & trichotillomania which I think may have been stims. I'm still definitely not in a close friend group - I tend to be socially outside & I struggle a lot socially, especially now in workplace settings where friendly/professional/friend blurs.

I've been given fidget toys & found them unappealing. But I know I find it very difficult to do the eye contact, particularly if I'm at home or with family (or strangers in my home). I do also have to sleep with earplugs bc I hear water rushing in the pipes, I can't have clocks around, & I'm very distracted by the hum of fluorescent lights. But I stopped crying at school assemblies/crowds around 10. When I was 17 I was re-assessed to qualify for my uni's

to take up space or claim it without a diagnosis (self dx isn't really favourably looked at here, among the ppl w Autism I know anyway). Lol but this is my last year to try while in uni & I wonder if it's even worth it. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if there are reasons for things I'm dealing with still (especially as I get older things seem stranger) & if there's a community. Bc there definitely isn't one for NLD lol. Sorry for how long this is!

Also I have had zero assistance with skills or strategies to manage these things since childhood - I had some occupational therapy for balance & my mom gave me "conversation lessons", & I was usually in the special ed classes (which often confused ppl bc I could read at a normal time). I'm very much struggling w/ executive dysfunction & socially, with not much to go on. If I had a diagnosis, maybe there's something to help? idk. OK finally done srry!

Oh wow. So, that is a lot! And as I was reading your description of your experiences, my mind is going “Uh huh, that’s autism. Yep, autism. Sounds like autism to me...”

Then I went and looked up this “NLD” thing, and found this article:

“There is clearly a great deal of overlap between Aspergers Disorder (AD) and Nonverbal Learning Disabilities (NVLD), so much so that it is possible that the symptoms of each describe the same group of children from different perspectives—AD from either a psychiatric/behavioral perspective, and NVLD/neuropsychological perspective.”

So basically, it seems like NLD is Aspergers, and Aspergers is autism. From a few other articles I read, it seemed like NLD is diagnosed when a person is “too mild” for Aspergers, which is itself diagnosed when a person was “too mild” for autism.

Since it was determined between the DSM-4 and DSM-5 that the divide between Aspergers and autism was so arbitrary and impossible to pin down, therefore there shouldn’t be a divide and they are really the same disorder, it would seem to follow that the line between NLD and Aspergers should be the same.

In other words, you’re on the spectrum, the same spectrum that autistics are on, but at the time you were tested they gave you a diagnosis of “Asperger Lite”, which in of itself was “Autism Lite”, and now Aspergers has been folded into autism, so it might be that NLD will be folded in as well someday (but as of now, isn’t, for some weird reason).

I can’t answer for you what will happen if you go to get tested again for autism. I don’t know what the result will be. But what I can tell you is that you do belong in the autism community, regardless of whatever official diagnosis you have. You obviously share autistic traits, I related to literally everything you said about your experiences, and maybe you just have better social skills, or maybe your doctor was biased, who knows.

You already have a diagnosis, and that may be enough for you to get accommodations at your university, or at a future job. You will have to look up what the laws/rules are regarding accommodations where you live. But if the current diagnosis you have will get you the support that you need, then there is really no benefit to you getting your diagnosis changed to autism in that way.

So really it comes down to whether you feel your NLD diagnosis is accurate, and whether you want to be tested for autism instead. It may turn out that your original doctor was right on the mark and that you’re on the mild end of the spectrum, so mild that you’re NLD instead of autistic (but it is the same spectrum). Or it might turn out your original doctor was biased and didn’t score you correctly and your symptoms are more severe and a label of autistic fits you better.

It’s entirely up to you whether you want to get re-tested, of course. But you don’t need an autism diagnosis to be part of the autism community- this community is about sharing our experiences which you obviously relate to, and are absolutely welcome to participate in discussions about.

So getting re-tested is really about two things: accommodations (which you may already be able to get with your NLD diagnosis), and feeling that your diagnosis is accurate to yourself. So to answer your question whether it’s worth it to get tested again- only you can decide that. It’s entirely up to you. But I hope I’ve given you enough information to help you make that decision. But no matter what, you belong here, everything you said was absolutely relatable to me, I felt like I was reading the story of my own life in a lot of ways.

#actuallyautistic #actually autistic #NLD #NVLD #Aspergers #professional diagnosis #DSM5 #ask

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