#I do use this blog to vent and be dramatic because everyone needs an outlet

[silentspaces]

I think it's really sad how often I sit in my car and don't go home for awhile. Home is supposed to be the place where you rest and unwind, where you have a safe space. But for me, it often becomes a place where I have to face my daily obligations that I always inevitably put off -- laundry, dishes, a shower that I should have scrubbed a month ago. It's also where I find shame--shame that I procrastinate so much; shame that, when no roommates or parents or other social pressures hold me accountable, I don't live up to that (semi) responsible presentation I show the rest of the world. It's become a place that I find myself escaping from. So sometimes on the way home, I'll sit in a convenience store parking lot for an hour, and many times I'll just be on my phone in my actual parking spot at my apartment, not going inside despite being 200 feet from my front door. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I fill up my life with activities and responsibilities--they provide a convenient excuse to not be at home, where I should be taking care of non-work obligations. Maybe my car has become my most sacred space, because it's a place where I have no other duties to the world, myself, or the standards I hold myself to.

#silentspaces is being emo #I do use this blog to vent and be dramatic because everyone needs an outlet #and only like 3 people know me irl so I'm fairly confident my drama will be largely ignored as it should be #I'll feel better after I post this please don't take these posts seriously I swear I'm actually fairly easygoing and happy #it's just the stress of this week and the upcoming test are getting to me and after tonight I feel like I'm not going to pass #because although I fixed my grip I can't hit the target again and I think I need another week #but I only have one more day of practice #gg rip me #the shame of failure is honestly my biggest hangup #okay I'll stop ranting in the tags and continue stress eating these potato chips #rant #my life #ignore me