#I don’t deserve friendships nor relationships….

[celluloidbroomcloset]

The more I think about it, the more I do wonder if some of the source of the more problematic ships/fan headcanons surrounding Izzy is based in the concept of love/sex as a reward for service or suffering. (Note: I am not at all saying that what follows is 100% correct - mostly just proposing a hypothesis. I'm riffing on @naranjapetrificada's post here, but I didn't want to go off on a treatise on someone else's post that wasn't even directly about this.)

Izzy’s world is upended with Stede’s appearance. He goes from being the trusted second in command to Blackbeard to being thrown off the ship (by his own making, already). All of his suffering (in his own mind) can be traced back to Stede and consequently Stede and Ed’s relationship. The narrative forms him as an antagonist not just to Stede but to the narrative's central concern, the entire reason for telling the story: the Stede/Ed relationship. He is the opposition of the healthy, happy, queer couple, and at each turn, he suffers for it.

In Season 2, his suffering is compounded to the point that he loses his leg in a really traumatic way, at the hands of a man he claims (in the same episode) to love. This leads into his being offered grace by the crew and the start of some shedding of his toxic masculinity (which has been the real enemy all along). And this is where I hypothesize that some fans start shaping him into someone who is now deserving of a reward. Izzy has changed! He’s grown! He’s doing better! Doesn't he *deserve* a reward for that?!

One of the forms that this reward must take is love/sex - and since the focal point of the entire show, as well as the causes of Izzy’s suffering, are Ed and Stede (the happy queer relationship) then his reward must be one or the other, or both. Having suffered and having come to better terms with his gender and sexual identity, he deserves the reward of romantic love and/or sex.

This is all, of course, not right, and the show never even hints that love or sex should be treated as a reward. Neither Ed nor Stede show any desire to provide Izzy with this reward (and honestly, I don’t think that Izzy the character expects that either, even if his fans might). But I do think that some of the anger and some of the “fix-it” mentality of the fandom subsection comes from the fact that Izzy’s character growth is not rewarded by romantic love or sex. (This ignores as well that he does find love in other ways, via his friendship with the crew, but this is also not typed as something he DESERVES or is rewarded for his good behavior.)

Stede in particular, I think, becomes a focus of the combined fan ire and desire because (in their minds) he was the original catalyst for Izzy’s suffering, he has obtained the reward of Ed’s love (thereby depriving Izzy of it), and he can be fitted for the enemies to lovers arc (plus he’s white and there’s undoubtedly racism at play here, as many have discussed). This might even be extended to Ed's love for Stede: that Ed was in some way rewarded for becoming better, that Stede's love healed him and therefore Izzy—who is so much more deserving, right?!—should also be offered that love.

Again, this is all based in toxic, erroneous assumptions both about the characters, about the show, and about love and sex, but all those assumptions have been made by stories in the past and are baked into a lot of mainstream culture.

The "fix-it" nature of ships like Stizzy and Steddyhands come down to some fans believing Izzy is not being granted his just rewards for his suffering and character growth in the form of love and sex specifically from the lead couple who have caused his suffering.

At least, that's what I think is going on.

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd meta #stede bonnet #edward teach #not gonna tag the other guy right now #fandom critical

[nimthirielrinon]

I need to talk about Gale’s insecurities. For all his noted overconfidence, this is a man whose entire self-worth is based on his prowess with magic.

He was a “gifted” kid whose abilities started out well advanced for his age, just to begin with. He very much thinks of himself as annoying, which you learn in the Durge playthrough after the dead bard incident, when he says that if being annoying we’re reason enough to kill someone, he’d “be dead 1000 times over!”.

If you romance him and convince him not to take the Crown after the second romance scene in Act 3, he mentions how he’s used to being seen as over-confident and even self-deluded regarding his abilities, which I think would only make him posture even harder as a defence mechanism.

I think for a long time, his relationship with Mystra was likely something he used as a flex on other wizards who had been cruel or mean to him, based on how he brings it up, when he does.

But what gets me is his utter relief whenever he isn’t rejected by Tav. When he first opens up to you, he has pretty much already prepared himself to be kicked out of the party. He’s even got a plan for when his bomb goes off, to do the least amount of harm he can, and when he says “Even I’ve grown tired of the sound of my own voice” I swear his voice cracks and he sounds like he could cry.

If you romance him, when he tells you he’s in love with you, if you say “I love you too” instead of going straight for a kiss, he’s once again relieved. Despite the fact that you’re there with him and have been romancing him, he still has a doubts that you would return his feelings.

It’s no wonder he made the mistakes he did. This is a man who’s been told his entire life that he’s annoying. Though he’s had other mortal lovers (and we don’t know how those relationship were, only that they clearly ended), he is clearly primed for rejection. And then his ex-girlfriend, the goddess of magic herself, tells him she’ll only forgive his transgression if he kills himself.

Like I said at the top, his precocious talent for the weave is the entire basis of his self-worth, unless and until Tav assured him that he has value beyond his mastery of the Weave. It’s no wonder he felt like he had to “prove” to Mystra that he loved her enough. As long as his self-esteem was based on his magical abilities, he was never going to feel like he was good enough, especially for the goddess who is all magic. He was never going to be able to feel as though he was loving her well enough.

I guess what I’m saying is that his “ambition” and his hubris make so much sense when you consider the hinted-at reasons for his insecurities, his clear desire for friendship and affection (he summoned a Tressym who became a lifelong companion and a lava mephit or something with whom he is still in touch; he even says he didn’t have friends growing up), and his main talent/special interest.

I think he’s a superbly-written character, and I definitely feel like he deserves neither death nor godhood, but a good and comfortable life surrounded by a loving family who encourage him to be his best self.

#bg3 spoilers #long post #gale dekarios #bg3 #gale of waterdeep #gale dekarios of waterdeep #bg3 gale #blorbo from my games #been rotating him around in my head #like a rotisserie chicken #character analysis #the wizard of waterdeep

[firstkanaphans]

Is Only Friends Slut-Shaming Boston?

I’m going to be real honest here. When this idea first started making the rounds, I just thought it was a bad take, but then so many people were saying it that I started to wonder if I had missed something. So, I rewatched the finale and now can confidently say…it’s a bad take.

Do I think the narrative is punishing Boston? Abso-fucking-lutely! But is it because he’s a slut? No, of course not. (All of these assholes are sluts!) Boston is being punished because he slept with his best friend’s boyfriend. And—hot take—but I don’t think that’s an unfair reason for the narrative to punish someone. Even sluts need to have boundaries sometimes. 

The first major complaint I’ve seen is that the narrative is slut-shaming Boston by making him the only character who ends up alone (which is categorically untrue because Nick also ends up alone, but that is neither here nor there.) This story only had two possible endings: either Boston ended up alone or he ended up with Nick. And I think, if given the choice, this is the ending Boston would have chosen for himself. This isn’t a sad ending for him. He’s unhappy being in a monogamous relationship. This is what he wants. 

This is also just a ridiculous argument altogether because if you think Only Friends is slut-shaming its characters, the last thing you should want is for one of your sluts to suddenly decide not to be a slut because of the healing power of love. I would argue that forcing a polyamorous man into a monogamous relationship would be even more sex negative than what happened in canon. 

And for those saying polyamory should have been considered, I would just like to remind you that there are two people in Boston and Nick’s relationship and they both deserve a say. That is, very literally, what ethical non-monogamy is. It has to be consensual. 

From day one, Nick has wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with Boston. That’s what their arc is all about. And when they finally get together in episode eleven, Boston makes it explicitly clear that monogamy is one of the terms he’s offering. So while I think it’s perfectly valid for Boston to want a polyamorous relationship, I don’t think it’s fair to expect Nick to just accept that when he was promised differently. The central conflict here is not Boston’s promiscuousness. It’s that Nick wants a monogamous relationship and Boston doesn’t. And that’s okay! Boston is free to live his “fun and sassy” life as Nick calls it (with no judgment whatsoever), but Nick is also free to live his. 

People have been dragging Sand for telling Nick not to “lower his bar” for Boston, insinuating that this is slut-shaming language, but I actually think the conversation between him and Nick perfectly illustrates why this whole situation with Boston is not slut-shaming. Sand spells it out clearly: “People have different ideas about this,” i.e. “You and Boston have different ideas about this. He wants one thing, you want another. Don’t change for him.” He never suggests that Boston’s way of living is bad, he is simply saying that it’s not compatible with Nick’s.

The only argument I have heard in favor of Only Friends slut-shaming its characters that I feel holds any water is that Boston never received a proper apology for any of the horrible things that were done to him—but then again, neither did Top. Now this could certainly be because Top is a slut, too, and therefore doesn't deserve apologies, but I think it’s far more likely that the directors were simply running out of available screen time. 

Boston ends the series having re-kindled his friendship with Ray and Chuem. He has moved to New York to live out his dream. He is single—which is what he wants. I don’t think this is a bad ending for him.  Boston’s biggest slut-shamer has always been Mew and him sleeping with Top only reinforced that idea. If you think the narrative is slut-shaming Boston, I think you’re only seeing things from Mew’s perspective. Mew is slut-shaming Boston. Mew is punishing Boston. The narrative remains neutral.

TL;DR: No. Boston is a slut and he is being shamed, but the two are unrelated.

#only friends the series #bostonnick

[saintsenara]

Ooh more about the subtext around James/Sirius? I’ve always read the text this way too!

thank you for the ask anon!

this question could have been prompted by any number of posts i’ve made, because i am a great proponent of the idea that unrequited prongsfoot is canon. 

why?

i’m so glad you asked…

let’s begin with a small caveat which - regrettably - involves some engagement with discourse.

the things created within fan-fiction aren’t real - an individual fic can’t cause actual, material harm to a reader, even if it contains tropes that would be harmful or distressing if they happened in that reader’s real life; an author’s use of certain tropes or interest in certain characters is not indicative of their actual morals and values in real life; thought crimes are not real crimes - but fan-fiction is produced by human beings who are themselves products of the societies and communities in which we all live, and these societies and communities all have flaws and failings.

which is to say, those of us who prefer to read male friendships like james and sirius’ as romantic do need to be aware that, no matter how enlightened on gender and its foibles we think ourselves to be, we are nonetheless influenced as modern humans by a modern tendency to discourage platonic physical and emotional closeness between men, especially straight men, on the grounds that two men having this sort of relationship is inherently queer and, in being queer, implicitly sexual - another powerful societal influence on our thought, even if we know we don’t agree with it. we should also be aware that reading a friendship as defining and life-altering as james and sirius’ as romantic gives weight to a modern tendency to prioritise romantic love - and one of its expected outcomes, the love of parents for their biological children -  over platonic love, and to regard people for whom romantic love is not a priority as not properly having achieved the milestones of adulthood, nor as properly fulfilled, adored, or satisfied.

everything which follows here, then, can be taken to refer just as validly to a purely platonic relationship between james and sirius if the reader prefers. and, indeed, my view is that this is how the canon narrative wants the reader to understand james saw the relationship. 

but i also think that the canonical text wants us to infer that, for sirius, his relationship with james was one of unrequited romantic love.

it must be said, however, that the narrative doesn’t show this explicitly. of course, it emphasises sirius and james’ compatibility, their similar personalities, their shared affection for each other, and a certain element of codependency (the thought of these two boys unable to be apart even for a detention without talking through their mirrors! my heart breaks!), but it also sets up these shared elements as - in some senses - fraternal: sirius is quasi-adopted by the potters; harry thinks of him and james as like fred and george, at least until he sees snape’s memories in order of the phoenix. when sirius speaks to harry about james, the profundity of his love for him is obvious, and on the two occasions when we see them physically together (snape’s worst memory and the prince’s tale) it’s clear that each is the primary driving force behind the other’s decisions. but we have nothing which indicates unambiguously that sirius’ feelings for james were romantic.

until we dive into a bit of narratology. because the text does do something to suggest that its intention is for sirius’ relationship with james to be read as non-platonic, and that something is its use of narrative mirrors. the harry potter series loves assigning its characters to narrative pairs - harry and voldemort are the obvious one; ron and draco malfoy are the one which deserves more attention - and it assigns to sirius a narrative mirror whose own story is one of unrequited romantic love.

severus snape.

sirius and snape are incredibly similar, personality-wise. they also serve identical narrative roles, in that they function as the guides who lead harry through an emotional arc which begins in earnest in prisoner of azkaban and concludes in deathly hallows, in which he sheds his childish, black-and-white view of his parents and comes to regard them as real, flawed, and complex people. harry does this with james in order of the phoenix - after the realisation that he was a bully stops the hero-worshipping which has defined his earlier attitude towards his father - with sirius as his guide (sirius is then killed off the second this narrative sub-arc is complete). he then does it with lily - who spends the earlier books as secondary in importance to james in her son’s mind - in half-blood prince and deathly hallows, in which snape (via the proxies of slughorn, the discipline of potions, his textbook, his patronus, and his memories) serves as his guide, until the fact that lily is the key to the whole mystery is revealed just before harry sacrifices himself to save the world.

in the course of this, it comes to be revealed that each of them considers their life to be defined by their relationship with and love for one half of the pair of james and lily (although the series hides this in snape’s case - making it look as though he is also motivated purely by his antagonistic relationship with james - right up until the last moment). their mirrored relationships with harry - while the idea that sirius is incapable of distinguishing him from his father is an invention of the films - is also driven fundamentally by their relationship with one of the two halves of his parents.

sirius and snape’s mirrored motivation-by-love is shown most clearly in their identical approach to guilt and grief, the two things which overarchingly drive their individual character arcs across the seven-book canon (or three, if you’re sirius - rip king).

both sirius and snape indirectly trigger the death of the person they love - and, let’s be frank, if we’re going to excoriate snape for reporting the prophecy to voldemort, exactly the same level of ire needs to be reserved for sirius and his plan to switch secret keepers (what we could do instead, of course, is recognise the life-altering tragedy of making this kind of mistake, which we all have to hope we never experience ourselves, and treat the lads with compassion) - but it’s clear in canon that neither accepts the idea that their involvement was, in fact, indirect. sirius openly tells harry that he considers himself to have ‘as good as’ cast the killing curse on james and lily; snape rejects dumbledore’s (back-handed) comfort that james and lily’s deaths were caused by ‘putting their trust in the wrong person’ by wishing to die himself.

wracked by guilt and hollowed out by grief, both of them then decide to punish themselves in an effort - one which, i think, they both consider futile, since they clearly regard their sins as too great to be redeemed - to atone for causing james and lily’s deaths. both of them do this by subjecting themselves to the pain and humiliation of imprisonment.

in sirius’ case, obviously, this is literal. we know from canon that he refuses to profess his innocence at any point during his show trial - and why would he, when he considers himself to be guilty? - and that he remains in azkaban for twelve years, despite possessing the means to escape before then. he leaves the prison only to attempt the one action which he thinks will redeem him in james’ eyes: murdering peter pettigrew.

in snape’s case, the prison is a metaphor (foucault just sat up). snape entombs himself both at hogwarts - not a place he seems to have been particularly happy - and in spinner’s end, allows dumbledore to repeatedly humiliate him, and risks his life as a spy as a means of self-flagellation. like sirius, he fails to profess his innocence - through ordering dumbledore to tell nobody of his true allegiance - because he considers himself to be guilty. he leaves the self-constructed cell in which he is skulking only when dead - when harry, who has taken on the burden of fulfilling snape’s atonement himself by preparing to kill voldemort, starts screaming his true motivations in the dark lord’s face - although there is some implication in canon that dumbledore’s intention was for snape to end the series by attempting himself the one action which he thinks will redeem him in lily’s eyes: murdering voldemort.

[after all, why does dumbledore say to harry at king’s cross that his intention was for snape to control the elder wand if he wasn’t hoping he’d use it to give the dark lord his death blow?]

snape and sirius mirror each other exactly in their response to the death of the person they love. we can justifiably assume, then, that we are intended by the text to read that love as identical in type. 

jkr has been very clear that snape’s relationship with lily is one of unrequited romantic love. we obviously don’t have to accept this in our own readings or in the way we write the characters in our own work - i love a queer snape sacrificing everything for his platonic best friend as much as the next girl - but we do have to acknowledge it as the doylist text’s stated intention. it stands to reason, then, that the text’s intention is for us to regard the mirror-image of snape’s love for lily - sirius’ love for james - as romantic as well.

or, unrequited prongsfoot is canon.

#asks answered #asenora's opinions on ships #prongsfoot #it's canon #no delusion here

[cherriiramen]

There was literally no queerbaiting in Loki. As a bisexual man I am literally begging people to stop calling "male characters had close and intimate scenes but did end up together" queerbaiting. Queerbaiting is when they dangle a potential queer character in front of the audience and then go "oops no they're straight" Loki isn't even straight! He's canonically bi! So is Sylvie! Neither of them ended up with anyone! Men are allowed to be close without being romantically or sexually interested in each other and modern audiences are so spoiled for representation that those friendships are attacked by fans angry they didn't fuck.

HOLY SHIT I JUST ANSWERED AN ASK TO DO WITH THIS-

ANON WHAT A TIMING-!!

Here! Have the link to what I spoke of this. I think you’d like this. 😭

https://www.tumblr.com/cherriiramen/733622613500395520/im-sorry-could-you-be-more-specific-of-why-you

This is exactly what I’m trying to say.

Loki was confirmed canonically bisexual, how much more could we ask for??

No romantic relationship was confirmed between him and Mobius. Neither was it confirmed between him and Thor, nor him and Tony, nor him and Fandrall, and ohhh the list is long..

I’m a multishipper in general because I love analysing different character dynamics and how they might work, but… hello guys?? 😀

Like it’s nice to fantasise sometimes when it comes to shipping, but can we stop mixing our delusions with ‘canon’?? It’s happening far too often where you have a bunch of extremists ruin a show/movie for you by hyping it up just for two ‘queer’ characters then completely shit on it when they don’t get the representation they highly expected by the end of it.

++ I find it really fucking petty and ungrateful how so many of them turned on Tom for not making out with Mobius or some shit. He deserves so much better than this. Are you forgetting how much of this fandom’s bs he handled?? He laughed with us at our crazy fanart, ship art it be or just Loki on a damn stripping pole. He was asked so many uncomfortable questions. He was more than generous with us.

Honestly..

#big headache #oh god. #tom hiddelston loki #Loki #Loki series #Loki season 2 #discourse #Sylvie #Mobius #Loki season finale #marvel #mcu #avengers #fandoms #shipping discourse #I’m a bisexual too #i feel you anon </3 #lokius

[davosmymaster]

The Saddest Part of Me

TAGS AND WARNINGS - +18, Minors DNI, no smut (yet) but mentions of sex/sexual themes, hurt/comfort, angst, fluff, mention of past abusive/violent relationship, canon-typical violence, breaking-up, Jake is the fist of Khonshu, Marc and Steven don’t have the suit anymore, post-MoonKnight, my non-native English is a warning itself, no beta

PAIRINGS - Jake Lockley x fem!reader ; Marc Spector x fem!reader ; Steven Grant x fem!reader

WORD COUNT - 4.6k

SUMMARY - Tired of Jake’s missions turning deadly, Steven and Marc ask you for help. It backfires.

A/N - This started as first person pov, dont know exactly why but i liked it and went with it. Then it changed after one of the pauses and I was too tired to change it (also i like it as it is) so I didn’t. Don’t read if you are easily triggered. Credits to whoever made the gif. Part two will be up when it’s up.

THE SADDEST PART OF ME

 Toni Morrison once wrote that "love is never any better than the lover". And as if that wasn't a horrible enough claim on its own, she followed with "wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly."

 I found myself called to those lines and, trapped by the words of a book that had me crying for most of it, I discovered I was more moved by that sentence than I had been for the rest of the novel. Trapped as I was, my mind rushed to find meaning beyond the words. I remembered past flings and failed relationships, abusive exes, and even friendships that hadn't worked. Finally, at last, my eye caught the shape of one of my boyfriends watching a cricket game on tv; as if I hadn't been aware that he was there, as if it was the first time I saw him. Truly, saw him.

 Steven noticed, of course he did. He was always hyperaware of his surroundings and, unlike Marc, he didn't know how to be subtle about it. He leaned back on the sofa, almost melting against it, and looked in my direction with the most relaxed expression he had in weeks. There was one cute smile on his lips; eyes gleaming with comfort after a long week of work. He was finally spending time with his girlfriend, and the time felt valuable for both of us even if each was doing our own thing.

 He must have seen something on my face, something buried and hurt perhaps, something I'm still not very sure of what it was; but something regardless, because his eyes switched off their glow as if someone had thrown a handful of sand over them. His smile trembled slightly, without him ever finding out, as if his body was understanding something he was not. A presage.

 "You feeling alright, love?" he asked.

 Even though I heard him loud and clear, felt his worry as my own in the way he looked at me; my brain did not seem to register. My mind was long gone, far away from there. I was looking at Steven but I had no problem with him. I was looking at his body. No, I was not, either. I was looking at the shell that contained the three men I was in love with. And I just happened to be looking at Steven because he was there —the wrong place at the wrong time— but who I was really looking for in those eyes, the person that deserved to be there at that moment, it wasn't Steven. It wasn't Marc, either.

 It was Jake.

 We'd just had the most terrible month in our relationship. Even though I'd like to say it only concerned Jake and I, it truly did not. Marc and Steven had their role in the problem too, even if it was well-intentioned in the end. Our argument seemed to be over, at least for now. But neither of us had apologized nor had we found a peaceful way out of our trouble.

 No. Not at all.

 It was over because we had both decided we loved each other more than the problem hurt us. Now we were ignoring both the problem still unresolved and the gap his lies had created between us.

 Yes, Jake had lied to me. Repeteadly and over a long period of time. Problem was he didn't regret it at all. My mind had been trying not to think more about the matter, ignoring it, living happily in naivety. In my coping mechanism I was blind to the elephant in the room: Jake didn't regret his actions at all. He didn't regret killing those people and he sure as hell didn't regret lying to me about it.

 That meant only one thing: he would kill again. That is, if he hadn't already.

 As if he could read my mind Steven's frown deepened. He got closer, his hand closing the space that separated us. His thumb very slowly touched my cheek. It was so slow, so gentle, as if he was frightened himself of my stupor. Or even scared of me.

 The slowness did not restrain my soul from shooting back into my body. The jump it caused could only be described as the sensation of falling from an imaginary abyss just as you are about to fall asleep.

 It was right then when I realized Jake wasn't hidden there, in those eyes. It was just Steven. Only sweet and sincere Steven.

 "You alright?" he asked, a worried chuckle dancing on his lips. "I lost you for a moment there, uh. In the land of the dreaming?"

 I smiled, even if I couldn't quite remember how.

 "Yeah, yeah... Sorry I scared you," I said, but still took his hands and put them away from me. All I could think about was those hands unfortunately being a part of Jake. Those pretty hands that belonged to Steven and Marc too, but which had been smeared with thick blood clotting around the nails. All I could see was them holding the gun Jake had been so reluctant to throw away, the small pocket knife he always wore as a key chain.

 "Can I ask you something..." I said then, my words so fast my mind had barely registered them, my tone so devoid of life it sounded as if I was going to ask him to kill me. Maybe I was. "...Steven?"

 I pronounced his name trying to breathe a bit of life into the sentence, but I could already tell by the way his breathing was caught in his lungs that he did not believe my facade for one split second.

 He took my hand in his, the heat warming them but freezing my body at the same time. Those hands...

 "Of course! Of course you can. Bloody hell, why do you even ask it like that?"

 I smiled and, with my thumb, I massaged the deep frown between his eyebrows. He relaxed the muscles there, suddenly aware of his expression.

 Half of me did it for him, because I was starting to feel guilty for worrying him. Half of me did it because my hands felt trapped under his.

 Steven relaxed, smiling once again. Partially relieved.

 "Are Marc or Jake listening?"

 Steven seemed confused at the question at first. He fixed his eyes on my own, but at the same time very far away from there. Then he looked around: at the tv, at any nearby mirrors, even his mug and the tea in it.

 "No, they aren't," he said. "But I can look for them, wake them up, if you want me to."

 "No, no. I just wanted to talk to you for a second."

 Steven tilted his head to one side slightly, confused.

 "Oh, oh. Sure, love."

 That's when my turn of taking his hands in mine came. It was the only way in which I could feel safe in both my question and his answer, in the truth of them, actually. I had never once before questioned Steven. I had blind faith in him, I always had. But as I said, what should have stayed as a Jake and me problem, had somehow tainted Steven and Marc too. Up until this point I had firmly believed I distinguished every single one of them from the others, and treated them accordingly; but now my body was showing me that, in fact, a part of me saw all of them as the same man.

 "If Jake hurt anyone again, you would tell me right away. Right?"

 His eyes shot open. From where I was seating in front of him I could almost hear his heartbeats.

 "Of course! Of course I would. Marc would too. We did it before, right?"

 "Eventually, yeah. After hiding it for months," the tinge of disgust in my voice did not go unnoticed.

 His hands were now trembling.

 "We didn't know what to do! At first we didn't even notice it was something that would affect us. Then I told them. And neither of them listened. We did tell you about Khonshu and we thought it was... implied. But Jake never wanted to kill...!"

 "Okay, okay. Steven. Steven look at me," I said, as he kept talking and talking in a panicked state. "Look at me, okay? You said sorry. Marc, you and I talked about this. It's okay. You said sorry. You're forgiven."

 He stopped talking, pressed his cheek against my hand when I tried to comfort him. He nodded as if trying to absorb my words. But his pupils still jumped slightly, here and there. Restless, unsafe.

 "I would tell you," he finally said with a tiny voice. His eyes welled with tears. "I promise. I promise I would. Please don't go."

 He made me cry too. Almost jumping over him, I hugged him, pretty much estranged him with my arms. I clung to the sweater he was wearing as if holding on for dear life. Steven followed with no less force. He crushed me against his chest, breathing hard into my hair, silently crying. With hands wide open over my whole back, it felt as if he was both trying to memorize the feeling of me in his arms and, holding me in place so I wouldn't abandon him.

 "Why do I feel like you're gonna leave?" he whispered.

 Steven had very little power of the matter, and that fact terrified him beyond reason. He couldn't stop Jake from killing again. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing your disgusted, disappointed, crying face again. But if there was something he could not even think about, that was you breaking up with them, leaving them, hating them. He could not conceive the world without you being the first thing he saw in the morning. He could not go back to be and feel as lonely as he did before. He couldn't.

 Being in this impossible situation, anxiety rising up to the clouds, the only comforting thought he could get was that, if he behaved, if he was good, despite what Jake could do, if he was good and behaved like you wanted him to, then you wouldn't abandon him. You might abandon Jake for being a murderer, but if he proved himself... then you wouldnt —couldn't— leave him.

 In his mind, he is ten years old and doing the dishes at two in the morning so mom will kiss him goodnight.

 Stupid people love stupidly

 Regaining someone's trust is not an easy task, everyone says that, but no one talks about how complicated it is to regain intimacy with the other person.

 It's not about sexual intimacy. That's easy, perhaps too easy. And Jake makes it even easier; he knows what buttons to push, where and when to touch you so you're left wanting more, pursuing him yourself against your own judgement. It's the other intimacy that is difficult to get back, the type in which you start talking about life and don't finish until dawn. It's about the cuddles, the feeling of being comfortable around each other, planning stuff to do together because you don't want to —not even think about— doing it with anyone else. Before Marc and Steven told you what Jake had done, asking you to help him stop, it wasn't uncommon for you and Jake to dance around the kitchen while cooking; both slow and quick Latin songs playing through the speakers. He loved to dance bachata, you loved to see him happy.

 Now your home is silent, the closeness complicated. The kitchen doesn't smell like spices anymore, and even the flat seems to have become darker. Maybe London has become darker, maybe the entire world has shunned the sun.

 Jake promises one day that he will never do it again. He waits for you to be in bed and slides under the covers. For a long time, he says nothing; he's still hesitating. Jake isn't sure he can keep this promise he is about to make. After all, he doesn't kill people because he likes it; he does it because they are necessary.

 Eventually, when he feels your breathing evening out, he knows if he doesn't do it you will never trust him again. And so he does it; unsure and scared, but is anyone ever not unsure and scared? he asks himself.

 You hug him tight then. It's the closest he's felt to you in a month. He's missed you more than he dares to admit. So he buries his hands in you, in your hair, your back, your shoulders, the back of your thighs. He doesn't want to let go. All he wants is for time to stop. If he could choose where to live for the rest of his life, he would live in the exact spot between your jaw and neck that his nose is caressing just now. He would die there, too.

 You're the only good thing in his life. Everyone knows that.

 Suddenly a month has passed, a more than reasonable amount of time for you to start letting your guard down. Jake has been so patient and careful that you start to feel like a fool for creating this awkward space between the two of you; although the truth is, it's not your fault.

 There are only fifteen days to your anniversary, or at least the start of it, as each of the boys takes an entire day to celebrate it with you. That makes your anniversary a weekend-long thing. With your anniversary so close, you feel an overwhelming sensation of hopelessness. And in the midst of your nostalgia for what you were, and loathing what you've become, you ask Jake to forget anything ever happened. He complies.

 The following is your day off, but Jake has work in the evening. Still, that doesn't stop him from scheduling a date. He takes you out for brunch to the most beautiful restaurant you've ever seen. You are seated on the inner patio. There is a fountain there, and the decoration is Bukowski books on small shelves and flowering vines on the walls.

 You sit on a pallet drilled into the wall. It has beautiful rainbow-coloured cushions to sit on. Jake takes the chair in front of you, but he's too far away for your liking. Instead, you take his arm and ask him to sit a bit closer. Jake takes the seat next to you, not even his flat cap concealing the happiness glowing in his eyes. As he sits down, as if by a reflex, he puts one of his hands on your thigh. He caresses your knee for a few seconds before taking the menu and placing it in front of you to decide what you both will be having, together.

 Two hours later both of you are taking a walk in Hyde Park. It's January, but the sun is shining over your heads anyway. Jake has never been one to be affectionate in public, but now he has his arm around your shoulders as you walk. Your face hurts from laughing and smiling. This is exactly what you missed, just what you needed. It all gets worse when, just before you leave, a squirrel chases Jake across the parking lot.

 Jake drives you home, he drives slowly through London because he doesn't want to let you go. He doesn't want today to end. He stops the car at the beginning of the street because there's a street market today and he can't get through. He stops the car there, double-parked because it is impossible to park anywhere else in the city. He gets out of his limousine at the same time you do. With a quick, determined step he circles the limousine, and you wonder what the hell he's doing. Then, he takes your face in his hands and kisses you. His lips brush yours, it's barely a caress until it's not. All you feel is him, his love, his warmth, the fabric of his driving gloves on your cheeks.

 "Thank you," he whispers.

 It feels like an I love you, so you take it that way.

 Unfortunately, the honeymoon phase lasted just one more day.

 He had no other choice, he wouldn't have ever risked another fight with you if he had the option not to. In fact, it was an accident. The fault wasn't entirely his. Yet Jake was so scared that you could see what he had done in his eyes, through his soul, that he drove to the other end of London and fell asleep in the back of the limo, on the plain floor.

 Steven had panicked so much that his consciousness disconnected. He was nowhere to be found. Marc, on the other hand, was going through all five stages of grief. He had gone from calling him every single insult in the English language to denying that Jake had done anything. By the time Jake decided to get back home, Marc was in full depression stage. Thinking of the worst.

 Even if he wanted to shut down the way his alters were doing, he couldn't. Jake cared for the others to an obsessive extent. All his life, he had taken the hard punches. He had killed so the others wouldn't have to, he had taken his mother's beatings with not a single tear shed, he took insults and humilliations; he took Elias' calls begging Marc to come back home when he ran away, he took the hardest parts of military training and most life-or-death situations that followed.

 He took Khonshu. He was still taking Khonshu.

 Marc and Steven had enough of the god, but someone had to do the work anyways. After all, the pigeon had only freed the other two. And if Moon Knight and Mr Knight wouldn't fight, then Jake Lockley would have to do. Someone had to protect the travellers of the night, that's what Khonshu had said when Jake asked him to free him as well.

 He was still debating what to do, whether to keep it from you or not, when Steven made the decision for him.

 "Jake," he spoke, appearing out of nowhere. "If you don't tell her yourself, I will."

 He grabbed the steering wheel tight. He saw red for a split second, then focused on the road ahead.

 "What?" he almost barked.

 "You heard me."

 "Si será hijueputa- Who do you think you are?"

 Steven said nothing else despite Jake's attempts to provoke him. His silence only made him even more nervous. He insulted him for twenty minutes, called him things he didn't really mean, until eventually, he stopped.

 "Okay, Steven, have it your way," he said. "Just give me some time to think how."

 "You have an hour."

 The image Jake formed on his mind was nowhere close to the moments following his confession. Yet it was somehow even worse. The smile from your face vanished quickly into a thin line, your eye became dull, absorbed by something far away from there. Whatever you were thinking, whatever images were playing inside your brain, he just hoped it wasn't him covered in blood.

 Your sight was lost somewhere on the small dots that covered the kitchen table, round wounds in the wood like gunshots. Your index flew to one of them, rubbing your fingertips against it for a few seconds, then giving up and lifting your head to look at him again. Crossing your arms over your chest as if you were cold.

 "What do you expect me to do now?" you asked. If death had a voice, Jake was certain it would sound like yours. "You promis-."

 "I know," he said. He inhaled oxygen, but seemed to exhale despair. He moved quickly from where he was standing at the other end of the table. With a squeak he took the chair right next to you and sat down. "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I had to-"

 "You had to." you spat. "Was someone pointing a gun to your head?"

 "Actually, yeah..." he responded, lips pressed as not to laugh. He forgot to mention he was also caught by the throat, until the other guy pulled the trigger and Jake moved his attacker's head in the trajectory of the bullet. "But I don't think that changes anything, does it?"

 He saw what he thought was doubt in your eyes. Although he could have easily have mistaken it for the misery drowning your pupils. Deep down —perhaps not so deep— Jake couldn't understand why you cared so much for these people. Sure, he didn't like to have other people's blood on his hands, but at the end of the day many of them deserved to be dead. Jake wasn't getting why there was so much fuss about the matter. All he cared about was you, though. And if you cared, that made the matter grow in importance. He didn't care about hurting his enemies the same way he didn't care if he found a wallet on the street and didn't return it; sure, it wasn't ideal, but it was their loss, not his.

 He took your hand the same way you had once done with Steven. He tried to comfort you somehow. Jake wasn't good with words. In fact, he didn't think he were any good with anything except his job, his work for Khonshu, and fucking your brains out. He had never had the need to protec anyone who didn't already live in his body; but he cared about you too much, and didn't want you to suffer.

 Then, you took your eyes out of his fingers warming your cold ones. With the same expression and voice but dry eyes, you spoke

 "I think we need to break up."

 Jake blinked a few times, nodded, too; but his mind had not caught up on the words. He looked at your eyes again, confused by your pitied expression.

 Then he chuckled, lips tightly closed.

 "What?"

 "I said..." a shaky breath came out of your mouth. "I said I... we need to break up."

 Jake felt his chest and throat close up, the bile still rising to his mouth somehow. He coughed once, when he felt the acid burning its path, then rose up from the chair, swallowed. When he got to the window, he realized he was shaking. A hand tugged from the roots of his hair.

 "¿Qué dijiste?" he asked, turning around to look at you. He looked at his reflexion in a mirror right next to his face, found his own face, not a trace of the others, but asked them anyway. "¿Qué dijo la pendejita esta?"

 Rage was quickly starting to burn up in his veins. Slowly, as not to scare him further, you walked closer.

 "I'm sorry, Jake," you told him, now your own eyes welling with tears. His arms wanted to take you, hold you, tell you everything is going to be fine; but you were only crying because you were hurting him. And you know it. And you know it. And he hates it.

 "Don't fucking-" he said, although he doesn't even know where the sentence is going. His body was not reacting to his command, not even breathing properly. He doesn't understand why his mouth tastes bitter, or why you're trying to hurt him saying that.

 He touched his face because there was something there bothering him. Dust, maybe a particle of something, an eyelash stuck in his eye, whatever. But when he touches it, his finger are wet.

 Oh, a tear.

 Before your body could make contact with his he held both your arms to stop you, his fingers curled around your forearms, your eyes filled with tears only half shed.

 "You can't," he said, then chuckled again like a madman. "You could never."

 He was so sure, too sure, there was not an ounce of doubt in his mind. He seemed so certain that his back straightened, his breathing evened out. He seemed calmed and it confused you. Were you driving him mad?

 "You can't," he repeated, halfway to a chuckle again. "You could never break up with the others, you love them way too much."

 His claim broke your own heart. The only reason Jake had for believing you would stay with him through thick and thin, was because he believed you wanted the others too much. The pieces of your heart crashed, splinters flew away, you could no longer feel it beating. You ached for him, but that didn't change anything.

 "Jake I'm not breaking up with the others," you said, and regretted there was not a kinder way of doing it. "I'm breaking up with you."

 He thought he heard a relieved breath then, and he lost it, completely lost it. It could have been the air coming in through the partially opened window, it could have been the tv still on, or even the kettle still complaining as the water cooled off. But he lost it all the same, not even knowing if the sound had come from Steven and Marc in the headspace or something entirely different. He took the mirror next to him and punched it, hard. The splinters covered his knuckles, blood rushed through the wounds to the to the rhythm of his heart.

 Violent people love violently.

 "Putos cabrones," he insulted them, but his tone was softer that he meant, breathy even.

 "Jake, baby... don't."

 He let you touch him this time. You kept still crying and he hated it. As his concern for you grew, so did his hatred. Your cold hands held both his cheeks, your lips pressed against his forehead just once. The blood staining his white shirt, his whole uniform. He had never gotten it ripped or even stained in a fight, and he was partially embarrassed that the first time he got it stained was because of his own blood, his own wounds.

 You kept saying things, words that he supposed should sound comforting. But he was not listening, not at all.

 "Why are you doing this to me?" he whispered, then his knees gave up under him. "I trusted you. I trusted you."

 "I can't." you told him, begging him to understand. "I had a relationship before, one where he would tell me he was going to change, promise me, and then go back to treating me the same, and I forgave him. And he would do the same thing to me again. And I forgave him. I can't go through that again, baby. Not again. Not with you."

 Jake wanted to scream. He wanted to ask you why you could be patient with others but had not the same patience for him. But he didn't. He stayed silent. He knew such a question would hurt you. Countless times had he hold you while you cried for your past, for how others had mistreated you. The thought that he had done the same was burying him alive. He wanted to melt, pass through the wooden planks on the floor, fall until he reached the barren land, then be swallowed by dirt itself; become nothing.

 He wiped the tears from his face, leaving a bloody trail wherever his fingers touched. You blinked in front of him a few times, shaky lips he wanted to kiss saying goodbye gave him, instead, a bit of hope.

 "Violence is easy, Jake, it's the easy path," you told him. "I can't- I won't be with another violent man. If you show me you can change, I promise you'll have me forever."

 He nodded. He had a mission now.

Tags:

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#jake lockley x reader #marc spector x reader #steven grant x reader #moon knight x reader #oscar isaac x reader #jake lockley x fem!reader #jake lokley #moon knight x you #steven grant x fem!reader #steven grant #marc spector x female reader

[itaehynz]

୨୧ it’s always been true — c.sb﹒🌷

♡ pairing: choi soobin x gn!reader.

♡ genre: fluff, angst, idol!soobin + idol!reader, short fic.

♡ warnings: slight argument, miscommunication, reader feels jealous of relationship between arin + soobin, lowercase intended!

exhausted, you’re sitting on the couch in the shared apartment in which you share with your beloved boyfriend, soobin.

as you’re watching tv & eating an ice cream stick, you receive a notification from twitter reading,

‘arin + soobin confirmed ?!?!?!’

as you’re reading it repeatedly with furrowed eyebrows, you hear keys unlocking your front door. no other evidence needed to know that it’s soobin, you begin walking to the front door while clicking on the tweet & watching the short video “proving” that ‘arin + soobin’ is confirmed.

“hi babe, i’m ho- oh there you are!” he says with his usual dimpled smile, “what’cha looking at… oh, what’s that?” he says looking over your shoulder.

“i don’t know, just a tweet about you & your girlfriend’s relationship being confirmed!” you say with fake cheerfulness while walking away with an obvious attitude.

soobin blinks while furrowing his eyebrows before walking over to you & grabbing for his phone to see what you’re talking about. he carefully types up “arin and soobin confirmed” & sees a numerous amount of fake “evidence” pop up. videos, cameos, pictures, you name it, it’s all he sees & he’s in shock.

“baby, i didn’t even plan for this to happen. seriously, me and arin are nothing more than friends and i’m really sorry if it seems as if it’s something more than that…” is what you hear him say as you’re looking through your refrigerator.

“soobin, i truly can’t believe that right now, unless there’s something that can really back up what you’re saying to me. as of now to me, you’re just saying words that have no meaning behind them. i absolutely love you and arin to death but like… seriously? you can’t set boundaries?”

“you can’t believe what i’m saying? yn, i’m your fucking BOYFRIEND for god’s sake, have i not reminded you of all the time i felt like you and another male idol had something behind my back? once you reassured me, everything was fine. i promise you, me and arin have nothing more than a friendship, i don’t like arin like that, i don’t want arin like that. the only idol i have ever wanted to be with, was you. please don’t ever, and i mean EVER, question if my words to you are true and the amount of love i have for you. you’re the only person i’ve ever wanted and will forever be the only person i will ever want, i truly do love you and i will continue to reassure you of anything you hear about me and another idol, so please believe what i’m saying to you.”

wow, you’ve never seen soobin this upset nor has he ever been this serious. there’s tears in your eyes right now but, you’re ignoring them.

“soobin, i’m sorry. for everything, i have really bad jealousy issues and trust issues all because of my past relationships. you’ve never given me a reason to not trust you, so i’m sorry for questioning your honesty. i truly don’t deserve you and i’m sorry for believing some silly tweets over the words coming out of your mouth, i was just scared to be hurt again and started to think that it would be no different this time. i really am sorry and i love you so much”, you say before wiping your tears & walking over to him.

soobin sighs & quickly grabs you and hugs you. “my love for you is true yn, it’s always been true.” he says in between the kisses he’s planting on the crown of your head.

you don’t ever know why you questioned his love for you nor why you believed stupid tweets. it’s fine now, you know that soobin will always be different from your past lovers, and better.

﹏

2023 TTYUNZ.

a/n: this took a little while to write because all my data was gone because i accidentally closed out the app 💔 but here we are guys!

♡ perm taglist: @yeofy @h00nerz @boba-beom

#choi soobin x reader #choi soobin #soobin x reader #soobin fanfic #soobin oneshot #soobin scenarios #soobin fic #choi soobin fluff #choi soobin angst #soobin angst #choi soobin x you #soobin x y/n #soobin x you #💌 : ttyunz.

[prettyrealm]

interview series: doja cat edition

July 27th 2023

doja cat’s current energy:

she’s feeling very affectionate and nurturing right now (i’m assuming towards her relationship/partner) she’s also not taking any sort or criticism nor is she interested in any sort of self reflection at the moment. she feeling herself for sure & feels accepted by the people that matter most to her and that’s what she’s focusing on. people thinking they can criticize her is causing her to be super rebellious and she feels as if she’s claiming personal her authority with the way she’s acting. she feels as if everyone and everything is working against her and out to get her. it’s like she’s right to feel “controlled” but at this point she’s fighting for fighting’s sake. like even if you’re agreeing with her, you’re doing it wrong. she’s trusting her impulses and acting on them and she refuses to let anyone throw her back into self doubt. if im being honest, it feels a bit manic. i think she’s being quite patient in her relationship as well and things aren’t actually going as well as she hoped. she sees the man in her life right now as very careless and irresponsible, not very dependable and even a bit disappointing but she wants to stick by him despite this. i think she’s also still dealing with betrayal from a friend.

does doja cat really hate her music from hot pink and planet her?

no, she doesn’t actually hate her music from these albums. i think she’s just tired of it and is only saying she hates it because everyone else likes it so much. contrarian vibe, but she knows it’s good. i think it’s more about the unhappy emotions she attaches to the music from that time.

is doja cat acting up to get her label to drop her because she doesn't like her contract?

nope.

how does doja cat feel about her fans right now?

she feels the need to disrupt them and get things shaking. it’s like she thinks “my real ones will stay regardless” almost like she’s purging out the fakes. she feels very strongly about them (genuinely love to hatred) and knows they gave her power and she can do whatever she wants with it now (including cuss them out) she feels they need to learn to be their own people and that they’re too superficial and can’t see beyond the surface. she does feel safe for the most part though and as if she can see who’s truly devoted and a fan of her for (what she thinks) are the right reasons

was doja cat ever bullied for being black/biracial?

yes, she definitely was.

did doja cat’s mother contribute to her issues with blackness?

yes, I believe so. not on purpose or in a malicious way or anything though. it seems she just genuinely didn’t know how to raise a biracial/black child, but i think tried her best? there was A LOT of struggle here though.

how does doja cat feel about j.cyrus right now?

she feels he will overcome everything people are throwing at him and she feels he’s quite confident. she wants them to come out of this strong. she feels he deserves a new start.

how does doja cat feel about fans reaction to her dating j.cyrus?

she feels miserable and a bit devastated and i think that may be what caused her to adopt this whole “idgaf” attitude about the whole thing. but in reality, i think she may even have shed tears over this. she knows this is attached to her forever and may even feel insecure in her friendships because of it. she knows people are looking at her like she’s a terrible person.

how does doja cat feel about the allegations against j.cyrus?

i think she thinks he’s been honest and faithful and is choosing to trust in him during this time. i don’t think she even believes in the allegations, she’s choosing to be naive, thoughtless & rash when it comes to this and honestly, straight up stupid. she’s upset about the allegations overall though.

#tarot #celebrity tarot reading #celebrity tarot #doja cat #interview series

[faerytreealtars]

~♡* How best to be kind to oneself *♡~

Hello, Saplings! 🌱 A new PAC today that I hope you enjoy, take a deep breath, and choose whatever images resonate with your soul and heart, Happy reading! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

It seems to be a common occurrence in modernity to not appreciate yourself, instead we are pushed to always seek ways to improve ourselves and put down if we seem to love our self. We sometimes end up not feeling worthy enough to be kind to ourselves. While it is all well and good to improve ourselves physically, mentally and spirituality I think is time for you to take a break and think to yourself, what is it that I should be kinder to myself about? Perhaps this pick a card will help you discover what! 

I would love to hear if the message you received resonated with you, so don’t feel afraid to comment, for it makes me so happy to connect with you all! 💕

[My Instagram ♡ ︳ Personal Readings ♤ ︳Faery Masterlist ☆]

Pile 1

[ Cards: Five of Cups, Two of Cups, Queen of Wands,  The Star ]

Dear Pile one,

Just because of mistakes you made in the past doesn't mean you don't deserve happiness, to have a dream or ambition to achieve. The same goes if someone hurt you in the past don't make the mistake of closing yourself off from opportunities or relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Allow your heart to be curious and give your brain a rest. This is how you can be kinder to yourself.

Oracle: Hansel - Survival 

When the moon came they set out, but they found no crumbs, for many thousands of birds that fly about the woods and fields had picked them up. Hansel said to Gretel, "We shall soon find our way" This tale is one that lodges in our minds and stays with us our whole life. These children are not lost nor do they accidentally come across hardship, they are most deliberately abandoned by their father and stepmother...everything that takes place within this tale is horrifying, and yet everything is met with equal measures of teamwork, truth & fear...the tale shows you that you too must find a clever way to outwit those who would harm you at the moment. you have to develop courage and the situation you find yourself within gives you the opportunity to truly be better

Pile 2 

[ Cards: Justice, Three of Swords, Nine of Cups and The Emperor ]

Dear Pile Two,

You really need to give yourself a chance, don't put yourself down we know you are wiser than you let on. Your soul knows what it wants, what it deserves so please stop letting others use & abuse you. We know you have a caring heart, you wish to see others happy but what about your own happiness? Our advice to you is to put yourself first, be the Queen/King you already are on the inside but bring it to your outer world. If anyone tries to shame or gaslight you for finally putting your needs first don't engage for they only want to bring you down.

Oracle: Snow-White & Rose-Red - Sister Love

This beautiful tale is about sisterhood, love, and family, and the love and trust people who have been raised well, and nurtured tenderly can give. It is a testament to nature and the trust that the sisters have between them.  Their family, which could be bitter, for they are not rich is small, close, and full of love. They have been taught to share everything and they do so, and in that sharing greater goodness can be created. When this card comes to you, know that it is time to do good turns (for yourself). To appreciate the small fortunes you have and to know that whatever blessing you have, it can expand and grow richer, deeper, and more lasting when we place our attention upon the blessing. so know at this time, it is important to appreciate what you have been gifted, love the friendship and family who have been good to you, and find every gem in the dirt, every star in the darkness. Make this your habit, and the rewards  will be peace, and joy, and contentment.

Pile 3

[ You are one, Ace of Wands, Nine of Swords, Queen of Pentacles ]

Dearest Pile Three

You need not be afraid of showing one's true self to the world. Those who love, & appreciate your truth will come and that is all you should focus upon. Your energy is that of a deer - peaceful, graceful, and full of compassion, a guiding light that can at the very least help one other soul in this lost world, so be brave and be authentic. Our advice to you is to show yourself some empathy at this current time. Acknowledge the unkind whispers that slither into your mind as untrue, planted by broken souls afraid of the light they see in you. Don't let it smother the light like overgrown weeds for there is so much potential you've yet to unleash

Oracle: The Wild Swans - Dedication

This is a tale of suffering in order to save family or people we care for, from a fate that is not their choosing. It is a tale of sacrifice - and of sacrifice that must be done without recognition. In this tale, a young woman's brothers are enchanted into the form of swans and she is told there is only one way to free them and that is through spinning magical cloaks made from flax of stinging nettles. Not a word can be spoken during this task so for years this woman has hands that are disfigured from the burning and the pain, feet that can barely tread upon the earth, and she must do this all in silence. Her dedication to this bizarre task and her silence in the face of demands for explanations creates mistrust all around her - but the truth is she cannot speak she must keep to her task - so the message of this card is your own dedication may be perceived as madness but it will result in healing, creativity, and great breakthroughs

Thank you to all who have read this far! I hope you found comfort, peace and/or wisdom through this pick a card. Every like and reblog is appreciated greatly by me and helps me so much, so thank you to all you lovely souls who find my work and like it! It Fills me so much joy! 

- Love, Fae 🔮🧚‍♀️

#tarotblr #channeling #divination #cartomancy #tarot #♡ messages channelled from the divine ♡ #pac tarot #pac #pick a card #Pick an image #Angel messages #faery tarot #tarot cards #oracle #guardian spirits #guardian angels #self love #self growth #self healing

[markadoo]

i get really angry whenever i see one of those poats about how tumblr deserves to die because of photomatt/staff. its bad that trans women’s accounts are being terminated but if tumblr dies then every trans woman’s account will be terminated. that’s obviously worse, right? your moral queasiness has led you into cheering on your own detriment.

i remember how people reacted to “the queerest place on the internet”. maybe it was in poor taste but it wasn’t wrong. tumblr has been the queer people website for over a decade, and whether the management can take credit is kind of irrelevant. like, the gay bars in the 60s-80s (and probably after, but that’s not the time period i’ve been reading about) were almost all owned by straight men who didn’t give a shit about “the community”.

so. that was the socially acceptable part of the post. i started this post talking about trans women and the queer community and all that virtuous shit, but ultimately that’s not why im mad at those posts. the real reason i’m mad at those posts is selfish.

i’m depressed. i can barely go outside. i don’t have any connections on other websites, nor any idea what those connections might look like. my closest irl friend is someone i haven’t talked to since 2020, and even then that was the first time i’d talked to him since 2018. i have his number but i’d just be a needy ex to him. i already feel friendless and losing you guys would make me feel like i have negative friends.

“follow me on discord” i’ll probably abandon discord after a month. i don’t find it to suit my preferences as a platform, and i’ve always been someone who only formed friendships incidentally. that is, when i’m in a place with other people, i form relationships, but when i leave that space the relationships fall by the wayside. tumblr is primarily a place where i can read posts and practice my craft (posting), and i won’t stay in a place that facilitates neither of those “just” for the sake of friendship. even if friendship is critical it’s not motivating.

i could go to cohost. maybe it’ll be a place i can read and make posts. but it took me over a year of being on tumblr to get friends.

i don’t think that anti-tumblr contingent on tumblr is why the site is dying, i know the problems run deeper than that. but it’s fucking salt on the wound

#rant

[ninapi]

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┊┊┊✧ ⁺ ⁺╚══ A Perfect Circle ╝

Premise: When you like the guy who likes the guy that likes you, things get a little out of hand, when a triangle becomes a circle not just one gets hurt.

Word Count: 2266

Note/warning: in this series I'm going for a bit of punk Yamaguchi, even if it isn't cannon is just my personal favorite, lol. Also he's bi here, so you've been warned, while this is not full blown yaoi or anything of the sort it does have mention of feelings for the same sex. Nothing hardcore, reader is female.

Chapter 1: Midnight Kisses

•───────•°•❀•°•───────•

College wasn’t easy, your time off was basically non-existent, if you had any it was mostly to complete your assignments or study for a test, that of course plus the time you had to spend in your part-time at a local coffee shop.

So when your classmate, friend and crush, asked you for help doing his hair, you had to call in sick and forgo sleeping the night before to finish an assignment just so you could hang out with him at his dorm, of course, he doesn’t know any of this.

Yamaguchi Tadashi sits beside you every Thursday in finance class. 

For a while, that was all there was to say about him being in your life, however, his shy demeanor and cool appearance managed to captivate your heart from day one.

The transition from classmates to friends was fairly painless, he was funny and smart, you enjoyed his company a lot and he did as well, you were caring, helpful and smarter than him, meaning you could help him study. Great foundations for a friendship, if it wasn’t for his stupidly good looking face and those cute freckles that don’t even let you go a night without dreaming of them.

Thinking of confessing was pretty much not an option though, as when you became friends you got to learn he’s had an all time one sided crush on his best friend since high school and that friend happened to be his own roommate.

And a guy.

While it did break your heart for a while, you noticed he did like girls after all, he was open minded and gender was not one of his concerns when choosing a partner. So it wasn’t all lost, at least not for you, one sided crushes get old, and if the right person for you comes to your life they can turn to dust. Or that’s what you told yourself at least, to find motivation.

Yamaguchi had invited you over to his dorm a couple of times already and you met this other guy before, while you could appreciate his good looks and how tall he was, he didn’t seem at all like the most lovable guy out there, they barely had a conversation and it was mostly one sided as well, just like their entire relationship. It did make you feel bad for him, but it also made your heart shine with hope. He didn’t seem so hard to defeat and Yamaguchi certainly deserved better than that.

You arrived earlier than expected to his apartment, ended up taking a taxi afraid of being late and Yamaguchi was still on his way back from school; his roommate opening the door for you.

“Um, hi! I’m Yamaguchi-kun’s friend, is he back already? I’m supposed to help him with something today.” the tall blonde just moved to the side of the door letting you into their shared small home.

“He’ll be home soon, stuck in traffic.” he just nodded towards the couch motioning for you to just sit there and wait like a good girl, quietly. But where’s the fun in that?

“Tsukishima-san right?” unwillingly he just nodded once more, unplugging the kettle from the wall.

“Tea?”

“Thank you, that would be lovely.” Tsukki wasn’t used to this type of sunny smiles, while he does have women chasing his every step, he manages to kick them all away as fast as possible; none of them ever caught his eye nor made him want to even chat with them.

But this time was different. He’s heard a lot about you from Yamaguchi and he feels like he already knows you, as weird as that sounds, he didn’t feel uncomfortable around you and that was definitely new.

“I have some fancy fruit tea my mom brought the other day, would you like to try that or green tea is fine?” why was he even bringing this out? He hasn’t even thought of this damn tea for weeks, but now he was suddenly very aware of all the snacks around the house that girls might enjoy.

“Oh I love fruity tea!” a small smile crept over his face, one that could creep someone out if seen up close, but thankfully you didn’t notice. 

“It’s a berry one…is that fine?”

“Yeah that’s lovely, thank you! You’re nicer than I thought you were.” chuckling, you nervously played with the tips of your hair, while you knew you’d be safe with him, this was pretty much the first time you talked to one another and were completely alone in the house just the two of you at the moment.

“Oh? Nah, you got it right, I’m not nice…” sighing, Tsukki shook his head while preparing your tea, then he brought out a tin with cute looking cookies which were not his in the slightest, yet he set a few on a small plate and handed it over to you along with a steaming mug of delicious smelling goodness.

“I mean…just look at those cookies and fancy tea! If you weren’t nice you would have left me here on my own and stay in your room eating all this goodness by yourself.” you were so delightful, he didn’t even think it was possible for a girl to be this nice to be around. No obnoxious questions or loud laughter, no flirting. Your smiles seemed real, you were truly enjoying his treats and company, no insults were needed, he could get used to this even if that on its own was a terrifying thought.

“Alright you got me, just don’t tell anyone…would hurt my reputation...” he laughed quietly and this made you smile even more. He wasn’t as bad as you thought and that was an understatement, he was actually nice and you didn’t mind one bit sharing some of your time with him.

A little under thirty minutes passed before Yamaguchi finally arrived home. He came in panting heavily, his face red with excertion as he kicked his shoes off and ran inside. “(Y/N)?”

“Yams! I’m here in your kitchen!” confused, he walked over to where your voiced echoed from, and was welcomed by a rare sight, Tsukki was sitting next to you on the other stool, both of you holding a mug in between your hands and eating some cookies while talking about turtles. Why turtles though? What did he miss? Was Tsukki smiling just now? He had so many questions.

“Are those…my cookies…?” he let out a loud gasp, an evil looking smirk covering Tsukki’s face immediately. “Can’t give her just tea, you know…I don’t own cute food….” he wasn’t mad at him for giving away his cookies, not at all, in fact he was enjoying how cute you looked with that bunny shaped cookie pressed to your rosy lips, a great use of the cookies he won at the convenience store lottery. What threw him off a bit was that Tsukki had just taken them without asking first, is something he’s never done before at least not with things like that.

“I’m leaving, have practice.” he got up from the stool, though not without giving you a soft smile and a nod before doing so, a rare sight indeed.

“Yeah….um (Y/N) is staying for the night. I think I told you already, but that’s fine right?” a part of him wished he’d get angry, jealous even, he wanted him to look his way, to feel threatened by the lovely girl spending the night with him; and he unexpectedly did look jealous, quite a lot I would say, but not for the same reason he wanted to.

“Yeah it’s fine, I left the air mattress on the couch so she can sleep better there.” when Yamaguchi looked towards the couch the front door could be heard being closed shut as Tsukki left the apartment, startling you, yet what startled Yamaguchi wasn’t the  loud bang but the fact that Tsukki hadn’t just pulled out the air mattress for you, but also set up two pillows, sheets and a fluffy blanket, his fluffy warm beloved blanket, one not even Yamaguchi has gotten to touch before. Just what on earth did he miss?

Deciding on ignoring his friend’s confusing behavior he went back to you who immediately fed him a bunny cookie as to distract him from the entire ordeal, which earned a smile and a giggle from him.

“Thanks, I needed that. Sorry I came home so late I tried getting here faster but the traffic was awful..”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t have to wait for long and that tea was lovely~

So what did you need my help with?”

Yamaguchi’s hair has been getting longer and he wanted to do something fun with it before he had to cut it all off for his internship next year, “Oh yeah! Can you help me bleach the underside of my hair? I suck at it…”

“Sure! Just bleach? Or are you going to color it too?” Yamaguchi truly enjoyed the simplicity of this conversation. It was always like this with you, everything was so warm and cozy, lots of laughs and lingering looks, it felt different for some reason, like the entire opposite of the way how Tsukki is with him, he felt wanted.

“Just bleach for now. I think it’ll look cool. I also have been browsing online for tattoo artists, wanted your opinion with that too.” It’s been in his mind lately how he wanted to do something liberating, something that would mark a milestone, the day he decides to move on from Tsukki, to finally confront reality and be with someone who truly appreciates him and wants to be by his side, romantically, hopefully that person would be you.

“Oh show me, show me! Do you have an idea of what you want already?” scooting closer to him, you looked like a cute little girl trying to look at his screen, it was endearing, made him want to squish your face and made his heart skip a beat or two at the closeness.

“Just some lettering…though still not sure what I want it to say…maybe on my wrist, something I could cover if I wear long sleeves.”

“Oh this one looks nice!” the picture featured stylized lettering with butterflies on top of some letters of the word to accentuate the fancy turns and swishes, making it look like a fairytale title in some book. “Shall we get matching tattoos? It’s such a pretty style!”

This made Yamaguchi blush, his heart fluttering, while he hated the idea of matching tattoos within couples, it was such a pure hearted request it made him smile at the thought of sharing something like this with you.

“You mean like the very same phrase or like you have one half and I have the other?” 

“I was thinking of the first one but I must admit the second one sounds even more cute.” you were blushing too, both of you were sporting a lovely pinkish skin tone, as you both smiled at each other like fools.

“Then lets do it! How about the lyrics of a song we both like? Would be more meaningful and only us two would know what is it about.” this was exciting, you honestly didn’t think he’d say yes, that’s usually reserved for couples, but you weren’t going to complain, is what you wanted after all.

You spent the entire night listening to your favorite bands and taking notes on phrases you both would find meaningful or interesting, eating some pizza and laughing at each other’s silliness until both ended up falling asleep on top of each other on the couch after his hair was done. 

Yamaguchi opened his eyes first and noticed how you were dozing off on his shoulder. Your hand was fisting the side of his shirt while you nuzzled his arm like a cute tiny kitten. Made him want to kiss you, and that wasn’t normal for him. Since he remembers he’s only liked Tsukki, only wanted to kiss him, only wanted him. But you were making his heart burst every few seconds and you made him feel excited about the littlest things, life was brighter, happier, it was something he didn’t want to loose next semester if you end up in different classes. He wanted to move on with his life, to bring you as much happiness as you brought for him.

Unconsciously, he leaned closer and closer until your faces were only inches away, his nose pressed to yours, as he glanced down at you with a loving gaze.

His nose tickled yours and made you stir, though having him this close meant this was certainly a dream right? Why else would he be at a kissing distance? For sure a dream, so why not enjoy it…?...closing the short distance, you pressed your lips to his and he kissed you back right away without hesitating. It was a soft kiss, loving, tender, yet quite intense; lips molding with each other, hands gripping clothing and hair, cute mewls and little moans leaving each other’s lips every few seconds. In all truth you have no idea how long this kiss was, but as soon as the kitchen clock announced midnight, a loud horrified gasp and the front door slamming shut could be heard, Tsukki had come back from practice a bit latter than expected tonight and had witnessed the tail end of the passionate encounter.

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Masterlist Next Chapter

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x f!reader #love triangle #yamaguchi tadashi #yamaguchi x reader #haikyuu yamaguchi #yamaguchi fluff #yamaguchi x y/n #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #haikyuu tsukishima #tsukkiyama #fluff #haikyu x reader #haikyuu tsukki #hq tsukki #tsukki x reader

[stranger-rants]

I’m not sure how coherent this will be, but as an aromantic asexual who is romance repulsed due to trauma I have very complicated feelings about characters who feel like they are inherently unlovable. Yes, it’s very sad that they feel that way in the context that they’re in but also I feel the same way about myself in many ways. I don’t particularly view myself as lovable and I have conditioned myself to fully accept abandonment as the ultimate outcome of any relationship I have. It’s happened to me numerous times in my friendships as I know I will never be anyone’s first priority. Whoever they love romantically will be their first priority.

That’s how things go, ‘understandably.’

I know that because of the amatonormative society we live in that aromantic asexual people especially don’t have great support systems. In many ways, society forces partnerships onto us as a requirement to just… live. When you don’t have that, it’s very hard to do things as an unpartnered aromantic asexual person especially if you’re disabled or chronically ill. I don’t need anyone to try to prove me wrong or to console me over this. I am chronically ill. I have aging parents who won’t be able to take care of me forever. Even then they’re responsible for the majority of my trauma. I have no one who will consistently be there for me when they’re gone. It is what it is.

…umm… but I say this because even if someone feels like they’re unlovable, they still deserve to be treated with dignity. They shouldn’t need a romantic relationship to “save them.” They shouldn’t have to learn to be loved before they get access to support systems and support systems shouldn’t be exclusively available in the form of romantic relationships. Of course not every aromantic asexual person is traumatized in this way nor is everyone traumatized in this way aromantic asexual, but we both share in a common struggle and it’s not just that individual people abandon us but society abandons us… over and over.

Yeah, sometimes I do want characters I like to be loved by someone and grow within a relationship. At the same time, I think it’s valuable to show characters who feel unlovable that their survival matters despite that. They don’t need to be lovable to live their lives and maybe we acknowledge that not being able to get what they need to survive is not a personal failing due to their lack of lovability but a structural one wherein people who can’t form romantic partnerships are regularly ignored by society. So many abused kids especially are told that love will fix them but so often that’s an excuse to just punish those of us who can’t experience that easily or at all.

#text post #i don’t necessarily view billy as aroace btw

[jaesqueso]

member: jeno

▶︎ “Lover” by Taylor Swift

genre: fluff

3.5k follower celebration ❤︎

word count: 860

warnings: kissing, mentions of alcohol, slightly angst in the middle

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

Lee Jeno was your first love. You were just teens when you met at a beach party. The light of the sunset shining on his skin made it impossible to look away as he laughed with his friends. You were to shy to make a move so you went to get a drink to cool yourself then. Just moments later you felt a warm presence by your side.

“Wanna hang out?”

“Yeah, it sounds like fun.”

His casual approach made you feel at ease. It felt so natural to be by his side as you walked down the shore, side by side, between words and laughs. You’ve met him for 20 seconds and it felt like you’ve known him for 20 years.

A friendship soon blossomed and you couldn’t even remember life before him. You hung out almost everyday, being enjoying a day in the sun or having fun at the carousels at the town fair. At the top of the ferris wheel as you admired the city lights, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

“I don’t want to look at anything else now that I saw you.”

When his lips met yours, you finally understood all the love songs you’ve heard on the radio, all the romantic movies that played on TV on Sunday afternoon, all the novels you’ve read late at night in your bed. You came from different worlds but somehow you fitted like two puzzle pieces.

“You know I can’t give you all the nice things you deserve.”

“Jeno, I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings.”

Like all first loves, you planned a future together. Where you’d live, how many kids you’d have and all the amazing things you’d do together. But all fairytales have an expiring date.

Things started to get rocky as you approached the end of high school and college was all everybody talked about. You had the grades and the funds to go to an A-list university, he was counting the pennies to get through the end of the week. But then good news arrived as he got a scholarship that could save his academic future. Unfortunately it was on the opposite side of the country.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll make it work.”

And so you tried. But like all other long distance relationships, you failed. Being away made you both jealous and insecure. The times you were able to meet were spent arguing instead of making up for the time apart.

“We were crazy to think that this could work.”

On that dreadful night, you drove back home with eyes swollen. Saying goodbye was like death by a thousand cuts, but as much as you loved him you knew you couldn’t carry on like that.

The following months felt like you weren’t living, just existing. Thoughts of him clouded your head through sleepless nights. It felt like you’d never get over him. Until one day, your body finally gave into the tiredness and when you woke up he wasn’t the first thing that came to mind. You forgot that he existed. It wasn’t love nor hate, just indifference. You thought that forgetting him would kill you but it didn’t, it felt nice, peaceful and quiet. You could finally move on and even got in a few relationships even if they didn’t last long. But it wasn’t because of him, they just weren’t meant to be.

A few years gone by and you decided to spend a summer back home. As you walked down the shore, shoes dangling from your hand, memories came back. As you sat in the sand, you remembered him, the happiness, the love. Taking a deep breath you smile, the sound of the waves crashing filling your ears. But then something happened, you heard him laughing.

You thought your mind was playing tricks but when you turned around there he was. When he notices you he starts walking your way, signature eye smile making your lips curl up. As you get up you notice his features have slightly changed, he looks more mature even though he has that boyish look you like on a man.

Just like that first day he approaches you casually getting any possible awkwardness out of the way. You decide to go grab a drink and catch up and it’s clear there’s no hard feelings between you, which makes you happy. However, as the alcohol runs free through your veins you realised some other feelings stuck by and you can’t control your drunk mouth.

“Tell me that you’re still mine. Tell me that we’ll be just fine. Tell me that it’s not my fault. Tell me that I’m all you want.”

And you just like that first kiss, you understood there’s always a rainbow after a storm.

Lee Jeno was your first love. And as you look at him though the kitchen window, running around your toddler in the backyard, you know he’s also your last love. All’s well that ends well to end up with him. You want to be where he is, forever and ever. He’s your home. He’s your lover.

☽ ・・・・・ ☾

taglist: @yokshi-unbeliebubble​​​​​ @nc-teen  @yutahoes​​​​​ @dimplehyunn​​​​​ @iknowyuno​​​​​ @bebskyy​​​​​ @ne0cultur3technology​​​​​ @nurenciye​​​​ @luvjeongjaehyun​​​​​​ @chenleyang @booyouwhore17​​​​​​ @jenoxygen​​​​​​ @star1117-archives​​​​​​

unable to tag: @doahflix @criminalmindsz @jaehyunsprincess

#kflixnet #jeno fluff #nct fluff #nct dream fluff

[i4bellingham]

Love your writing! Could you do one where you’re friends with Trent and he has a crush on you but you don’t know since he keeps things close to the chest. And it’s not an issue until you meet Jude and the two of you click and start dating that he voices his feelings to you. You want to stay w Jude but Trent can’t bare being just friends and seeing you fall in love w someone else.

THE CHOICE : bsf!trent alexander-arnold x fem!reader x mentioned bf!jude bellingham

all of the gifs in my posts are from my keyboard. they aren't mine but i also have no clue who their owners are but all credits goes to them for creating such beautiful gifs <33 thank you so much <333

cw: unresolved issues, trent and reader low-key being redflags 🚩🚩🚩, cussing, mentions of making out, honestly jude deserves better in this fic why’d i write it like this 😭 + not proofread

i added a twist of mine on this one, hope that's alright 👀 how i managed to finish this in a day is beyond me. i normally take 2-3 days to finish a fic but here i am finishing a trent fic in a day 😨

Admitting that you loved someone was hard.

Admitting that you love someone who already loves someone else is harder.

Trent was very well-aware that his fondness of you grew past the stages of ‘like’. It was something that he had to come into terms with just recently seeing you wrapped around someone else’s arms.

Before anything, you were a good friend of Trent’s. You would always show up to his games wearing his jersey, you always opened up your time and attention to him when he’s feeling under the weather or when they lost a game. You were always there for him, through his good times and even at his worst. You were there, hugging him close to you when the hateful comments got too much and inside his head, clouding his mind with doubt and insecurity as he recalls them over and over in his memory. You always liked to remind him of what he’s achieved at a young age, reiterate every single thing that he’s won at football and praise him for being so strong for facing each of his days with a raised head despite the comments, until he’s there in your arms with tears fogging his sight.

You were so good to him, so good for someone with the likes of him that him falling for you wasn’t even out of the picture anymore.

But Trent stopped himself from confessing, thinking that whatever friendship he got with you was too good for him to lose. So he never did, never once gave any inclinations of his feelings for you until it grew and blossomed into what it’s now known as love.

There wasn’t really any worries on his part, because although you've gone to a few dates (none of which really succeeded), there wasn’t really anyone who had the pleasure of being called your boyfriend.

Not until him.

Not until Jude Bellingham came into the picture and shattered whatever complacent Trent found in your relationship.

It was supposed to be you and him and although merely as friends, Trent wanted nothing more for it to be just you and him for a very long time.

But really, he’s the partial reason why you started dating Jude in the very first place regardless if he likes the profound relationship between you and his best mate anyways.

He did introduce the two of you to each other at his own birthday party because while he tried to distract himself with the multiple girls that surrounded him that night from how beautiful and breathtaking you looked in your dress, he had given Jude the perfect open opportunity to get to know you better. And before he even knows it, Trent’s greatest fear had come into life.

Eight months after his birthday party, you began dating Jude leaving him with nothing but the scarce presence of you in his life.

Not until one day when you reached out and asked him to hang out that Trent came into the conclusion that he would rather get the things off in his chest now no matter the cost than never doing it and dwelling on the what should have been. He knows it’s not fair to you nor to Jude but he’d really wanted to do this now in hopes that it would give him the peace that he needs with the feelings he holds for you.

Trent wasn’t expecting much from you if he did confess, but it was still safe to say that he was hoping for at least a little bit that in someway, you reciprocated his feelings too no matter how slim they may be now.

Trent hugs you a little longer than he should have when he finds you in his door step, clad in a familiar hoodie that also had the lingering scent of its owner when he pulls away from you before ushering you inside his house.

“Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

You really haven’t, is what response crossed Trent’s mind as the both of you sat on his couch with an arms length of space dividing you both that wasn’t normally there before you started dating Jude. But instead of voicing it out, Trent reaches a hand out to ruffle your hair.

“You’ve been rather occupied with your new relationship, don’t want to interfere in young love.” He ends his reply with a teasing smile.

You face him, adjusting on his couch with your legs crossed above the cushions. “So... how have you been?”

Miserable?

Missing you?

Regretting lots of stuff?

What should have been a proper answer to such a basic question was drowned out by Trent's thoughts in the situation he tried to move past. It was all about his regrets of not confessing and owning up to his feelings earlier. It was all about the what-ifs inside his head that ran rampant just like his thoughts of you.

“Okay...”

“Just okay?” You teased, chuckling when Trent rolls his eyes. “What? No new flings Mr. Alexander-Arnold?”

Trent’s demeanor immediately shifts into a tensed one, and as if sensing his discomfort for the topic you reel your question back with another remark.

“Now don't be so uptight with me T, you know I don't judge you for that.”

Of course you haven't. You don’t judge him in anything he does. You hold him at such a high regard to trust him fully that he doesn't do anything stupid, one that could potentially dwindle your trust on him.

Those flings haven’t come by for more than a few months now, only seeking out the presence of other girls to satiate his needs with the courage he's gotten from the alcohol, but even those instances became sparse ever since he owned up to how he really felt about you.

“I know, you love me too much to judge me for every shit that I do.” Trent insinuates.

You unknowingly nod your head. “Of course I do. You have been such a good friend to me T, of course I love you-”

“Just as friends?”

You snap your head to his direction, shock on your face before you're letting out forced and nervous chuckles.

“Of course Trent, you're my friend aren’t you?”

There is a feint hints of smirk on his lips. Trent nods his head spuriously to appease you, but the next words to come out of his lips did anything but to ease you down.

“I see you're still a horrible liar.”

You look at him confused.

“You don’t call me Trent unless you're hiding something from me pretty baby...” Trent inches closer to you, grabbing your hand in his to which you didn't take backㅡnot immediately anyways, no.

You seemed to have been stunned to hear the nickname he used to call you before you were dating Jude tumble out of his lips.

Frozen next to him and shocked, you only managed to shake yourself back to reality with the thought of your current boyfriend passing by your mind.

You take your hand back immediately, scooting a little further away from Trent.

“Trent-” You warn him, not wanting to hear the next words leave his lips.

“What? Really? You thought I would believe that you only ever loved me as a ‘friend’ ?” He asks you almost mockingly. “Friends don’t kiss each other baby. Friends don’t make out a plenty of times-”

“We were both drunk that time Trent!”

“The first time it happened we were! But what about the other times that it happened Y/N?”

You stand up from the couch. “I don’t know why you’re bringing this up now Trent! It had been a year and a half since it happened!” You started to head to door, planning on leaving the entire conversation and Trent behind when his hand reaches out to grasp at your arm, pulling your back against his chest.

“Don’t lie Y/N. You know me better than anyone, and I know you better than everyone else.” He wraps his arms around your waist, slotting his forehead against the plane of your shoulder. “You didn’t see me just as your friend-”

You struggled against his hold, mind reminding you of your boyfriend and how wrong and unfair this is to him.

“Yes Trent! I did see you more than just my friend! Is that what you want to hear from me!?”

Yes, you two did kiss during that one damned night during New Year’s eve drunk and out of your wits and the situation went completely out of control when the two of you found yourselves in the back of his car, lips slotted perfectly against each other as you spent the New Year countdown in each other’s arm and tongues down each other’s throat.

After that, the tension just grew more to which the both of you tried to ignore at first but to no avail. It just turned palpable that even some of your mutual friends began to suspect a thing when you’d hang out with them. It was so apparent that something went down between you and Trent but you've never had the guts to openly admit that.

It was one random night when the both of you finally broke that tension out into the open air, nearly ridding each other of clothes in a messy lip-lock and hands on opposite bodies that didn’t stay at one spot for more than a second.

Instances like that happened for a few more times before Trent himself ultimately ended what he himself started.

His birthday party was the perfect gateway that able you to meet Jude, eyes and attention on him instead of Trent and the multiple girls on his arms as he openly flirted with them.

You remember trying to keep your tears from falling, tried so hard to tune down the disappointment, hurt and sadness that you felt in that moment.

But Jude was there. Jude was there to distract you with his lame jokes and made you play boardgames with him in Trent’s guest room that you used to occupy sometimes when staying at his house.

Both of you left the party a little past 12 am back then, giggling and shoving each other past the number of guests in Trent’s house before driving over to a local fast food chain. There were still loitering thoughts of Trent here and there during that night but somehow, Jude managed to divert your pain into a copious sound of laughter from his foolish punch lines.

If he knew what you felt for Trent back then, he made no comments about it. But he stayed with you and a few more times after that night meanwhile, you chose to ignore what you witnessed Trent doing that night.

Even though you only made-out a lot of times in an unlabeled relationship that went past beyond just being friends at that point, it still hurt to think that Trent did that in front of you. It still hurt that he didn't seemed to care that you were watching them moreover when he was openly kissing a girl on his lap in front of everybody before you and Jude left the house to drive around the city for food.

It just went like that.

Everything went unresolved and although you began to reconnect three months after that, everything was just not the same.

The both of you tried so hardㅡor you did at least to keep those memories and feelings buried deep down your mind because you have someone better now. Someone who provided so much of his attention, care and adoration for you. Someone you know would never ever think let out alone act on hurting you.

Jude was perfect in so many ways, and he was so good to you but you don’t want to let him go. Not even for the sake of Trent’s realizations.

Trent’s grip around your waist loosens, and from there he can hear your sniffs before he’s turning you around, lips on your forehead and hands on your arms.

“But you broke what we had Trent... and Jude was there to pick up the mess you made...” You murmur, letting the tears to freely cascade down your cheeks. “After your birthday party all I heard from your teammates was you seeing different girls each week Trent... how do you think I’d feel from that?”

“But you didn't reach out to me-”

“You fucking hurt me when you talked to those girls all night long and completely ignored me! You even had your tongue down some girl’s throat on the couch when Jude and I left and you expect me to reach out to you?” Pushing him off you, you pointed a finger against his chest. “Don’t put the blame on me for something that is completely on you Trent. I waited for you to explain yourself even though you really didn't have to... what we had was just like what you have with the other girls isn’t it? A friend with benefits type of th-”

This seems to trigger something in Trent because his pulling you by the arms and slotting his lips against yours just like how he did long ago.

Stunned, you were too dumbfounded to push Trent away. The realization only hits you like a truck when he pulls away and places his forehead against yours, whispering the words that you refused to hear until now.

“Don’t.” Trent caresses your cheeks in gentle motions of his fingers, cupping your face against the warmth of his palm. “Don’t ever fucking compare what you and I had to my stupid rendezvous. I was a coward. I didn’t admit that I love you, not even to my self until a few months ago. I didn’t want to lose you Y/N... I was so afraid to lose you that I'd rather lose my chances of being someone more than a friend to you than lose you in my life entirely if you didn't reciprocated my feelings and felt uncomfortable to be my friend again to stay.

I know I had such a douche way of showing that I didn't want you gone from my life and I admit that, I know that. I want to apologize to you in every waking day but I was way in my head to even recognize the selfishness that I did. And before I knew it, you had broken the news to me that you were seeing Jude and we pretended that those times didn't happen and I was okay with it. I was okay with it because at least you were talking to me again. I was okay with pretending that I was supportive of your relationship when all I ever wanted was what Jude have now because at least you acknowledged me again as someone in your life...”

Trent sighs, cursing underneath his breath before closing his eyes to keep his tears from falling. “I was so okay with you being with him because at least I got to see you again... I was so fucking okay with every minimal gesture from you because at least you were back in my life. I was ready to take everything you gave me baby, no matter how foolish and insignificant they may be... I’d take them all because they're from you...

I love you Y/N, and I don’t fucking care if you're with Jude. I’ll fight for your affection if I have to, if I get you by the end of it... it’s all gonna be worth it.”

With the tears freely rolling down both of your cheeks and like a twisted sense of irony, the phone in your pocket rings. You fish it out to see the contact name and face of the very person who had given you his everything ever since you became his girlfriend officially; the guy who tampered your broken pieces to keep you whole and kept you safe and loved.

　

　　　　　　　Incoming call...

　　　　　　　　　jude 🖤

a/n: i know this is a piece of information you lot already know but marcus rashford is so fucking fine like i would literally breathe dust if he ever do as much as look in my way-

read part two here !!

#☆ i4bellingham writes. #☆ jude bellingham #☆ trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold fanfiction #trent alexander arnold imagines #trent alexander arnold x reader #trent alexander arnold imagine #trent alexander arnold x you #trent alexander arnold x fem!reader #trent alexander arnold #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham x fem!reader #jude bellingham x reader #jude bellingham #jude bellingham imagines #jude bellingham fanfiction #jude bellingham fanfic

[kamomie]

Frequent q!Foolish defense statements and my response(long read btw):

Why are people calling q!Foolish a traitor over one lie? And why are people treating him so harshly and hating on him, in comparison to others?

I don't know why q!Foolish defenders are so adamant about that one lie, when it's clear that it's just one part of the whole issue. Arresting his friends, believing the federation over his friends, not caring all too much about what will happen to his friends, then his lie, him being purposefully deceitful when people ask him questions about what is going on. Him choosing to continue his federation work and deciding to be quiet about it. All of that adds up, all of that is the reason people consider him a traitor.

I haven’t seen anybody actually hate on q!Foolish, I’ve seen him get criticized and people(me) hoping he gets a rude awakening? Which is fair to me.

Anyway, people weren’t nicer to q!Cellbit? I know I heavily criticized q!Cellbit on twitter lmao, it first occurred to me on day 2 of him working for the federation that it could be a double game. People might be slightly harsher on q!Foolish because he’s doing this for selfish reasons, which is fine, when you don’t also harm your friends, which he did.

This is also why people are being more lenient on q!Fit, because people are waiting to see if his infiltration will help, but I, like many others, did think it was shitty of q!Fit to withhold information about q!Tazercraft from q!Forever. But mostly q!Fit is transparent about his work in the federation.

I believe people were nicer towards q!Jaiden because when she was contacted by Cucurucho, she didn’t know about q!Cellbit and q!Felps kidnapping and therefore did not know just how bad the federation is/is perceived.

Also to make it clear, no one is saying q!Foolish has done something unforgivable or unredeemable, but he deserves to face the consequences for his actions.

They didn’t take him seriously, so he felt like he had to lie! What else could he do?

I’m confused, did we watch the same thing? They very much did take him seriously, they started asking questions and when q!foolish started his empty talking, they started questioning if he was lying and asked if he did it for a cloud? No where in this situation were they not taking him seriously? Was the interrogation not a major indicator that they took it very seriously? He went into this situation already having decided to not share information and was deceitful from the beginning. Also, his lie came later when he was talking to q!Jaiden, who very much took him seriously…

Q!Foolish was always pro-federation!

Yup, but because there was trust between them, they let q!Foolish have his fun. This is also why it’s gonna be detrimental when some of them learn he was being deceitful, and he lied. Q!Foolish joining the federation would’ve been mostly fine, if he was transparent and shared information.

Q!Bad believes that q!Foolish is essentially used as a federation scapegoat and is therefore treating him much the same as before, but the trust between them has definitely taken a bit of a hit.

Poor q!Foolish, he's always been so kind and patient, even when others were killing him and bothering him. He deserves a villain arc, and to say fuck them all.

LMAO. Yes q!Foolish is a patient person, I agree, and he certainly has been very kind to others, though kind would not be the first word I'd use to describe him.

q!Foolish is an instigator. Almost all the time he's being hit or killed it's because he's actively hoping for that sort of reaction. The most prevalent example is his relationship with Dapper. q!Foolish will antagonize Dapper, and then Dapper will retaliate. It's all in good fun. It's not serious. The same with q!Bad, who is the person I know people are actually wanting to criticize when talking about this specific point. All it tells me is that you don’t understand their friendship and that you don’t understand q!Bad nor q!Foolish. Yeah, q!Bad will invite q!Foolish to a dungeon as a meat shield, but in reality, who actually tanks? Q!Bad. And that is just one example.

And if you truly believe he needs a villain arc and needs to fuck everybody over, then stop defending him and making excuses for him? It's so weak.

And a small snippet from my overview of q!Foolish in general, as it relates :)

One of the things I’ve noticed is q!Foolish is a person who rarely thinks about the possible consequences of his actions and words. This is why I hope he gets forced to face the consequences for the betrayal. I so badly want to see him handle something where the harm happened to other people and not to himself, because he can easily brush off the consequences that harmed himself, but it might surprise him that he can’t brush off the hurt he caused q!Tazercraft.

#a bit of meta and lore discussion #qsmp #q!foolish #mentioned #q!bbh #q!cellbit #q!tazercraft #i'm just gonna keep posting lmao #i'm living for this arc rn #twitter doozers before: Please angst! Please villain arc #twitter doozers now: ACtually he hasn't done anything wrong and it's so sad to see people distrusting him over one little lie #q!foolish my beloved i want to see you suffer the consequences of your inability to think your actions through #Long post

[silv3reyedstranger]

Tell us ‘bout that supercorp angst! (Please)

thank you for the ask! ok, let’s get into it…

so, i’m thinking this is post reveal but if kara lies again about something supergirl related. i feel like unlearning the whole “i need to protect lena” and “i need help but i’m not going to admit it nor am i going to solve this the smart way because i’m stubborn and impulsive” complex would take time and effort, neither of which, i feel, kara would pursue unprompted. hence this was born:

“I have wants and needs too—I’m your friend, and while I’m still not the most well-versed in friendships, I’m pretty damn sure friends don’t use each other like that.” Lena’s voice raises, lip curling slightly.

Kara isn’t able to prevent the full-bodied flinch that shoots through her. She hadn’t meant to use—no, manipulate—Lena into helping her when she’d already said she wanted to stay out of this mission. But she did anyway, and Kara doesn’t know what that says about her.

Part of her wants to cut in, shout and protest that it’s all a big misunderstanding, but she bites her tongue. Lena deserves to say her piece.

“I’ve given you opportunity after opportunity to treat me the way you treat any one of your other friends, but it’s like—“ Lena gesticulates wildly, very unlike her, which clearly shows how much it’s all affecting her. “It’s like you’re not even trying! Maybe you don’t want to. And if that’s the case, I don’t even know why you keep me around? As a laugh? A joke?“

The tears in Kara’s eyes sting harder and, at this point, she can hardly see anything through the glassy bubble of tears she’s valiantly trying to keep at bay. “No, Lena, no! I keep making the same mistake.” Kara’s voice wobbles and her throat bobs as she swallows. “It’s true—it’s absolutely on me. You’ve done nothing wrong and have been nothing but kind to me. It’s just that I’m—I’m greedy. I always want both, and—and I can’t. But I try anyway, and you always end up getting tangled up in the mess anyway. I’m so sorry.”

Lena looks at her, clearly exhausted. “I don’t know if sorry even means anything to me anymore….you said it wouldn’t happen again, that we’re stronger together, but you lied. Again. And Kara—aren’t you tired? Aren’t you sick of doing this? You need to figure out what you want if you want me in your life. I value our friendship, and I hope this isn’t the end for us, but I need you to promise me you’ll work on yourself, get help, and learn how to value the relationships you have with your friends.”

Lena sighs, her shoulders slumping. She’s said all she’s needed to say, and now suddenly, she feels the dull ache at her temples and the fatigue in her muscles. “At the end of the day, I still respect you and everything you stand for, Kara. I still care about you. I just want to be valued and respected the way I deserve to be.”

#i love a lena whos realized her self worth #and honestly i think they needed a break from one another to figure shit out #like genuinely ‘let me figure out who i am and what i want’ #anyway hopefully that sates your curiosity!! #ask farren #supercorp #angst #battenthecrosshatches