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the-desolated-quill · 6 years

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And The Winner Is... - Inside No. 9 blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

After the spine chilling depravity of the previous episode, And The Winner Is... offers a welcome respite. A jury of actors and filmmakers deciding who should win the Best Actress Award. Nice and simple. By that I mean the episode of course. The decision itself is anything but nice and simple. And The Winner Is... dives headfirst into the internal politics of the television industry and no one comes out looking good.

On a first viewing, this episode seems rather tame. Especially compared to the previous episode. There’s nothing truly dark or sinister going on here. The characters aren’t harbouring any disturbing secrets. This is a fairly straight forward, comedic episode. But the episode does serve another purpose. Mainly to serve as a scathing critique of how the industry actually works.

I know many fans are disappointed that Inside No. 9 hasn’t received the same amount of recognition as Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror. But in some ways, And The Winner Is... provides a counter argument as to why award recognition is not necessary for a show like this. Film and television awards should be a great honour, but the truth is they’re not because of a lot of behind the scenes antics. It’s this that’s spelt out throughout the course of this episode. Steve Pemberton’s character Giles is quick to remind everyone that that they are to judge the nominees based solely on their performance, but at no point do the jury ever truly do so. One nominee is rejected simply because she won the award several times before. Another is rejected because she had sexual relations with one of the jurors. The acting ability of the performers very rarely comes up and this is sadly true to life. Awards have more to do with politics than they do with genuine talent. A few years ago, for example, there was a ton of controversy surrounding the film 12 Years A Slave winning an Academy Award for Best Picture when it was revealed two of the voters never actually saw the film. So they didn’t pick 12 Years A Slave because they thought it was a genuinely good film. They just thought that’s the kind of film people would want to see win.

It’s through the episode’s stellar characterisation and the cast’s performances that the flaws of the industry become apparent. Zoe Wanamaker stole my heart the show for me. She plays the domineering diva so well and got loads of laughs. Her character ostensibly is the 12 Years A Slave voter. She hasn’t seen any of the candidates’ performances and is merely going on what she believes people would want to see. There’s also Rupert, played by Kenneth Cranham, who is there supposedly to bring his acting experience to the jury, but in reality provides very little insight or help. Turns out he has a conflict of interest, having had sexual relations with one of the nominees, and he doesn’t care for the other nominees, using petty excuses to disguise bigoted views on race and class. Meanwhile screenwriter Clive, played by Reece Shearsmith, doesn’t give too shits about any of the nominees. He just wants to suck up to fellow juror Gordon in the hopes that he’ll direct his script. (This got quite a few belly laughs from me. No one does crawling arse-kissing quite like Shearsmith).

Out of all of them, Noel Clarke’s character Gordon seems to be the only one who seems to somewhat care about what he’s doing. He clearly has great respect for his craft and offers insightful comments for each of the nominees. However it soon becomes apparent that’s not why he was invited. He’s merely there to fulfil a cynical diversity quota. They deny it of course, but Rupert’s comments do have a slight ring of truth to them. Movies and TV shows will often try to include at least one POC not because the producers genuinely want to encourage diversity and inclusivity, but rather to appeal to an increasingly liberal market, to the point where the talent of the individual in question doesn’t even factor into it. So long as they’re not white, it’s considered a win. Another box ticked. (Quick side note, please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. Obviously diversity in media is extremely important and needs to be encouraged, but if you’re disingenuous about it, for example like JK Rowling with regards to Professor Dumbledore and LGBT representation, merely using diversity as a means to feather your own nest and win more brownie points for yourself, people will notice).

By far the most damning criticism of the industry comes in the form of Fenella Woolgar’s character June. A TV critic and journalist. I find her character most interesting of all for a number of reasons. She enjoys the perks of the creative industry without actually contributing anything to it. But the thing is she could contribute something to the industry if she tried. The purpose of critique isn’t just to recommend films and TV shows to the audience, but to also help inform creators about their own work. Offer helpful advice that a filmmaker or producer can take on board and keep in mind for their next project. Or at least that should be the purpose of constructive criticism, but nowadays that’s rarely the case. Instead critics have essentially become another arm in the industry’s PR department. There’s less interest in offering helpful feedback and more interest in providing an entertaining think-piece for the reader in order to generate buzz about the film or show in question. June is the very epitome of that. Just take a look at the conversation she has with Jackie (played by Phoebe Sparrow). Both wrote reviews about The Great British Bake Off, but whereas Jackie, a member of the public (or so we initially think), offers genuine opinions and feedback, June takes the opportunity to use her own review in order to boast her own wit, writing it in the style of a recipe. And as the episode goes along, the cracks in her character begin to show. She gets to enjoy the privileges of the industry and meet all these famous people, but those same people couldn’t give two shits about her. She has a thankless job. When she writes negative reviews, the other characters belittle her and when she writes positive reviews, they don’t give her the time of day because why should they? She made them look good. She validated their own egos. That’s all they want from her.

Jackie is the only person whose opinions seem genuine. She’s a member of the public. She has no ulterior motive. Yes the reasons behind her opinions may be thin, but they’re a darn sight more honest than the rest of the jury’s. And yet the jury can’t help but patronise her at every opportunity. Even Giles, who seems like a nice and well meaning person, doesn’t seem to take her seriously. When she leaves in tears near the end, my heart genuinely broke. At the end of the day, the most important people in this industry are the viewing public and they have forgotten that.

And then there’s the final twist. Turns out Jackie wasn’t a member of the public at all, but one of the nominees trying to influence the vote. This I didn’t see coming and I applaud both Phoebe Sparrow and the makeup department for doing such a good job disguising it. The episode is even ballsy enough to show a closeup of a photo of the nominee and I legitimately didn’t connect the dots until right at the end. I know some other people predicted the twist, and well done if you did spot it, but honest to God I was completely fooled. I legitimately saw no similarities between Jackie and the nominee.

In short, And The Winner Is... is a sharply written and well executed satire that doesn’t hold back on its criticism of the industry and I enjoyed it immensely.

#and the winner is...#inside no 9 #steve pemberton #reece shearsmith #bbc #review #spoilers

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holydragon2808 · 6 years

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Sorry for all the long posts lately. Just been in a sort of nerdy nostalgic mood here....The Final Fantasy XIII trilogy is truly underrated IMO. Maybe I have that opinion because I’ve never really thought the series had a certain set in stone way that they absolutely had to play out to be considered “a true Final Fantasy” game. It was always my understanding that they with each new installment, something different would be introduced to mix up the formula.

I’m not saying that the FFXIII trilogy didn’t have its flaws. It has such a massive and rich story and lore....but sadly it was presented overall in such a haphazard way that many people couldn’t really appreciate it. Especially for the fans that aren’t from Japan that had to rely on fan translations of the many, many web novels that half the story is presented in (Episode Zero, Fragments Before and After, A Dreaming Cocoon Falls Into The Dawn, Reminiscence, etc). However, one of the things I’ve always appreciated about these three games is their tendency to put the player directly into the position of the characters emotionally (so you feel the same frustrations of being forced down a linear path or truly understanding the despair a particular character may be feeling) for better or for worse which is one of the reasons why this ending is among my favorites in the FF franchise. Oh and this isn’t my video! I just left a comment in the link about a year or so ago and like I said, nostalgic mood right now so I figured I’d just blog about it here on tumblr. Be mindful of spoilers if you haven’t played the trilogy.

One of the most beautifully tragic things that I love about this is how the ending was clearly foreshadowed throughout the game (Serah dying because of her Seeress abilities as well as what would happen if the Goddess Etro's Heart was pierced) and yet, even though the player was warned multiple times, it STILL catches the player completely off guard for a heartbreaking effect for many reasons:

1) Most of the FF games end on bittersweet but overall positive note and you half expect Noel and Serah to be able to find a way to avert Serah's death or finish with the time jumping before it's too late and 2) the player actually did save the future from Noel's bleak time line and because of that and seeing Hope's new ark rise just as Cocoon falls (as well as knowing they got Vanille and Fang out in time, the player is lured in a false sense of security and 3) The way the ending starts is on such a high note one doesn't expect it will all come crashing down so suddenly right at the end with the melancholy (but overall very hopeful) lyrics and melody of the theme song.

I've seen a lot of people say that the lyrics and the melody don't really fit what's going on during the cut scene but I would disagree to an extent. The theme song isn't just about what's going on in the moment of the ending. It's supposed to reflect the OVERALL journey of the characters and the underlying themes of the whole story and "New World" does that very well for both Serah and Noel. BOTH characters were more or less journeying with nothing but hope in their hearts that at the end they would find the people that they loved waiting for them in a New World that doesn't end up the way Noel's timeline does, (a crisis they do actually save the future from, but unfortunately with Caius possessing the Heart of Etro, he had back up plans) and yet towards the final chorus of the song Serah suddenly dies and Noel holds her lifeless body in his arms.

At this point the song's overall "tone" (for want of a better word) does seem quite a bit out of place, however, the song is still playing because despite losing her life, Serah was never a character to be crippled by despair for long and was very dedicated to her goal for her desire to find Lightning again so they could live together as a family (notably the song ends BEFORE the truly bad things start happening with the Chaos being set lose on the world) and even if that wasn't possible, she was still not going to sit by and let the future fall into despair just to save her own life. She believed that a brighter future (A New World) could be born. And later in Requiem of the Goddess this notion is proven true because she says to Lightning word for word that she has no regrets about what happened to her and believed with all her heart and soul that she and Lightning could be together again. I mean REALLY read the lyrics and see if they don't sum up how Serah feels about Lightning's departure or how Lightning feels about being away from Serah or what happens to her later. Not to mention Noel and Serah's journey and how he was working to avert the disaster that was his timeline in hope for a better tomorrow and being reunited with his Yeul.

"New World"

Staring the stars, feeling the winds every time

I cannot stop thinking of you, since you've been gone away from here

Shedding the tears, crying out loud for once

Cause you are such a precious part of me

And there's no one who'll fill my broken heart

Oh but now, I have realized

The reason why I live in this world,

Even you have left me here alone,

I found the way where I can get hope for the future

Baby, I'm gonna see the new world

With nothing but the love you gave me

Only thing I can do, is to trust the time we shared

Baby, I'm gonna go to the new world

With nothing but the strength you gave me

There's nothing to be afraid of,

I know your love will lead me where I should be

Even if it is dark and hard time for me,

I don't wanna give up my hope

Having a dream, basking in the sun everyday

I'm starting to thank that I'm still here,

Though the pain of loss still hurts me

Making me smile, making me laugh many times

Everything is gentle to me, because you are making it so

Then now I have realized the reason why I live in this world

It's not to lose what I truly need

I will make, sure to build the beautiful days together

Baby, I'm gonna see the new world

With nothing but the love you gave me

Only thing I can do, is to trust the time we shared

Baby, I'm gonna go to the new world

With nothing but the strength you gave me

There's nothing to be afraid of,

I know your love will lead me where I should be

Even if it is dark and hard time for me,

I don't wanna give up my hope

Pray for all the things in this world

And believe in the power of our love

Sing a song of tomorrow

Now we are not alone

And we come to life again

A new day will come to you, for you and me

Baby, I'm gonna see the new world

With nothing but the love you gave me

Only thing I can do, is to trust the time we shared

Baby, I'm gonna go to the new world

With nothing but the strength you gave me

There's nothing to be afraid of,

I know your love will lead me where we should be

Even if it is dark and hard time for us,

I don't wanna give up our hope

Despite me praising SE for foreshadowing an ending so obviously and yet still managing to catch players off guard in the the best and worst way, I still felt sad and angry (just like Noel did) that things turned out this way for both Serah and Noel after everything that they (and by extension the player) went though to avert one bad future (and being successful in that goal) only to inherently cause another one right at the end...Fortunately, in the final game Lightning Returns, everyone gets their well deserved happy endings....

#final fantasy xiii #Final Fantasy 13 #Serah Farron #noel kreiss #ffxiii #ff13 #lightning returns #lightning farron #Lightning Returns Final Fantasy XIII #Final Fantasy 13-2 #oerba yun fang #oerba dia vanille #Hope Estheim #caius ballad #etro #valhalla #paddra nsu yeul #gran pulse #final fantasy xiii-2

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vpuype-blog · 6 years

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How Oasis saved my life.

“Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me”

One of the better known lines in the Oasis hit -Wonderwall-. But here’s the funny thing, they actually saved me, prevented me from killing myself and prevented me from falling into a dark hole where i would have never been able to crawl out of, back into the light.

It was the summer of 2017, known to me as ‘the summer of heartbreak’ or ‘the worst summer of my life’ or ‘the summer of tears’. Or maybe even all of these at once. I was a stupid fool, made some bad decisions and lost the love of my life. My high school sweetheart, my babydoll, my little girl. I lost her, and with her i lost the ability to enjoy the sun on my face, the smell of the evening rain, the stars in the summersky late at night. I lost the ability to enjoy rock ‘n roll and be part of the myth. I lost the ability to write songs, to write lyrics, i lost the ability to play. But the most important thing, i lost happiness.

“Losing her was like losing the rain”

She broke up with me on the 4th of September. It was the toughest period of time i ever went through. Today, two months have gone by and i can honestly say it was a very rough period, but i learned a lot. I learned a lot about myself and the people around me. In only two months time, i learned to differentiate my real friends from the phonies, i found out what i wanted to do in life and what i had to change about myself.

A friend of mine left town in September, he went to study abroad in Milan. One night, right before he left, he called me in the middle of the night. He asked me if he could crash at my place cause he had no place to go. I let him in. That was the start of a long chain of conversations with this guy about life and what it all means. He told me i should check out the documentary ‘supersonic’, about a band called ‘Oasis’. So i did. Their attitude towards people, society and life in general shook me. Noel’s amazing songwriting and Liam’s great voice made me dig deeper into their music. Of course there were a few songs i already knew like ‘wonderwall’ or ‘don’t look back in anger’, but there was so much more just waiting to be discovered. So many great lines, big rock ‘n roll riffs and attitude, attitude, attitude, attitude. Liam Gallagher is one piece of arrogance and attitude, but man do i love to see that guy sing. He really doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what anyone thinks about him. Neither does Noel. They’re just two brothers with an incredible talent displayed in all these great albums.

Because of the fact that i still love my girl (well,.. ex-girlfriend), i really didn’t feel the need to go out. Cause i didn’t want to see all these girls begging for attention, or couples eating each other’s faces. I wanted to be on my own. But i happen to have great friends and they wouldn’t let me be on my own. So instead of going out, they came over to my place. Always one friend, or two, maybe three. But no matter the group, i was always in good company. These where the nights where i talked a lot, and by that i mean A LOT. After a few drinks and ‘sandwiches’, these conversations started to get serious. It all came down to one thing, i miss my girl, i think it’s unfair that she was taken from me, and if i could go back and fix what i had damaged, i would. But you can never go back, i had to acquiesce the fact that she’s gone. In the background of our conversations, there was always one band playing ‘oasis’, songs like ‘half the world away’, ‘live forever’, ‘the masterplan’, ‘champagne supernova’.. Always seemed to make me realize that there was more to life than the heartache i was feeling at the time. It made me realize that ‘NOW’ is more important than the past or the future. When we were high we listened to ‘champagne supernova’ and we talked about all the people that were gone. We listened to that song over and over again and silently sang along, ‘How many special people change? How many lives are livin strange? Where were you while we were getting high?’. We sat there, night after night, with our faces in the sky smiling at each other like idiots saying ‘these are the best nights of our lives’. And i do believe they are, i long for these nights cause they make me realize that all that i am, and all that i’ll ever be is because of the people that take care of me when i’m at my lowest. And i’ll never forget these moments of pure happiness. How a good friend can make you forget all the heartache in the world.

Being alone is hard, it makes me think about all that i’ve done wrong and all that i could’ve done better. This is where Oasis is really important to me. Their music always tells me that i’m great, that i’m perfectly imperfect, that i’m a rock ‘n roll star, i’m supersonic, i’m awesome. It gives me the feeling i can take on the world and i do. I do take on the world, i started playing again, more viciously than ever, i started writing again, i started dreaming again, i started living again… Let them talk, i’m a rock ‘n roll star.

The first 4 weeks after the break up, i went to bed as early as i could, so i could sleep untill tomorrow and forget about my sorrow (funny thing, it rhymes). It was hard falling asleep tho, because i kept thinking ‘does she have someone else, has she kissed anyone yet? is she thinking about me?’. I used to play the song ‘talk tonight’ and ‘half the world away’ on repeat during lonely nights. They gave me a sense of existence, of self-awareness. ‘Half the world away’ actually gave me the idea that i didn’t need anyone else to be happy, that i could leave this damned city at any given time. It made me feel free. Like Liam sings in ‘whatever’, ‘i’m free to be whatever i, whatever i choose and i’ll sing the blues if i want’. I am free, i am a crooked, weird looking, human being, but i’m free. I play rock ‘n roll and i’m good at it, i can move people and i’m proud of it. I have great friends and i cherish them, i have a wonderful family and i can’t wait to start my own. I’m free, Oasis made me feel free, for the first time in forever, i’m free.

Oasis is freedom, rock ‘n roll, happiness, carelessness, it’s long nights of getting high with friends, it’s great car rides to unknown places, it’s concerts, lights, and smiles. It’s a ‘fuck you all, i know what i’m doing and i do what i do best’ -attitude. It’s arrogance and humility all at once. It’s self-respect and respect for others. Oasis saved my life, brought the sun back into my life, it made me breathe again, smell the night again, it made me enjoy the rain on my skin, it made me enjoy life again. Oasis saved my life, like no other band could’ve done right now. I don’t look back in anger, i’m grateful for the lessons i’ve learned and the people i’ve met along the way.

‘wherever this road may guide me, it will always guide me home’

And to my friends, family and everyone i love

-You and i we’re gonna live forever-

#Oasis #noelgallagher #liamgallagher #liveforever #champagnesupernova #wonderwall #don'tlookbackinanger #halftheworldaway #music #musicsavedme #love #friends #high #whatever #breakup #story #truestory #freedom #acquiesce

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aegnite · 7 years

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things you said when we were the happiest saddest we ever were

post-1971-incident // @kkatekane / @wiinterfated // once upon a time, i realised that most of auburn introspective writings have heavy traces of noburn and i figured that it would be interesting to explore this particular angle of her with this relationship in the background because we all know that this hurt them both a lot

she has never felt this small. not in all the years she has been alive for, not in all the centuries she has picked fights with near impossible odds, only to beat them again and again. because it seems like the one enemy she cannot beat is her own body and her nature, and what happens when these two become allies. and it hurts and it makes her nearly cry, but --- it makes sense. no one is ever truly unbeatable, everyone has something they can aim for all their lives without ever reaching it.

and fate is cruel enough to force her to realise that for her, this unattainable goal is something she would have denied any interest in for a long time. but there she is, now, centuries after the years she has spent in youth and foolishness, and she cannot help but grasp the blanket noel had wrapped around her shoulders a bit ago and cling to it like it is the only damn thing with the power to anchor her in a reality she would love to shatter.

but she cannot fight this.

she cannot rewrite the story into one that hurts less, into one where they get to be happy the way they deserve after everything they have been through. because they are not meant to be this sad, are not meant to look at the ruins of a future they will never get because the one enemy she cannot force to their knees is her own body, a body that complies to so many of her wishes but not to the one that has been rather strong in these recent years.

auburn hayden could do a lot; she could fight until she was the last one standing, could love with a passion rivalled by few, could be a fierce protector and a loyal friend. but auburn hayden has never managed to bring life into this world, this being the one hurdle she could not cross.

and she knows that it is not healthy for her to let her thoughts circle around this, that she cannot change the facts just by wanting them to be different, but she is --- grieving and grief has never been her most rational emotion. she cannot move past this, cannot just shrug it off the way she would shrug off other things. this is something she cannot demote to a faint memory of an old scar, this is something she will carry with her all her life --- and her life has been long and will be longer still.

she looks up, her hands still holding on to the blanket and her knuckles whiter than snow, and her eyes search for noel. despite having never relied on validation as much as others because she has learned young to live without it, she needs him to tell her that it will be okay. she needs him to say these words because he is the only person in the world who can say it without it sounding like a lie.

he is sitting on the other couch, looking just as sad and defeated as she feels, and her heart breaks because she has fucked this up for him, too, when she has gotten herself and their child killed. noel has not blamed her --- not that it would be necessary with the way she blames herself --- and he has been a calm and supportive since that day. a part of her wonders where all his sadness and anger and grief go to, but he has always been the selfless sort.

she hates him for it a little, sometimes, because it makes her feel like she does not deserve him, that he would be better off with someone softer, someone kinder than her. but then, she reminds herself that no matter how soft and kind others were, most of them would either die and break his heart or were married to seth and thus off the market.

she could not always be what noel deserved and she knows it, but at the same time, she would always be around and she would love him forever and then a little longer, too.

❛ red, ❜ he says after a moment of just exchanging glances, ❛ please breathe. ❜

a long time ago, auburn has wondered what it would take to make her shatter. she has spent centuries of her life as the strong one, as the one who carries the weight of the world so that no one else would have to. and back then, she has assumed that there was nothing on the planet that could make her break, that could cause her to fall apart. but she has been wrong, she realises now, because her fragile attempt to keep it together is failing and she is falling apart.

her entire body trembles and shakes as she wraps the blanket a little tighter around herself, not even bothering to wipe away her tears. she cannot recall the last time she has cried like this --- her eyes overflowing forest lakes now --- and she is bending over because the weight of the world is crushing her and she cannot help but allowing countless apologies spill from her lips. because she is sorry, so sorry, because she has wanted them to have a different future, one without this grief and suffering, but all her good intentions mean nothing now, because they have all gone completely wrong and turned worthless.

noel moves and reaches for her hands, eases her aching fingers off the blanket and holds her hands with the kind of tenderness she does not feel she still deserves ( if she ever did ) after what has happened. he does not say that it is okay, because it is not and he is no one who would lie to her, but he holds her hands and his hands are so warm compared to hers now --- not that it really surprises her; a man who would probably set himself on fire to keep others warm is bound to have a high body temperature, right?

❛ it hurts, ❜ she whispered, her left forearm covering her stomach. she has wanted to be strong about this, too, has tried so hard to keep it together around others, to keep them from seeing how badly this has hurt her, but she cannot deny it now as her sorrow spills from her eyes and she feels like her tears would drown the entire world if she would only let them.

noel just shifts and presses a kiss against her forehead. ❛ i know, ❜ he says plainly, and she knows that he truly understands that for her, it feels like she has just torched down the whole damn world because he has always known how to read her feelings. that is how he knows that she loves him even though centuries have passed and she has never been able to actually tell him how she feels. ❛ and --- you don't have to keep apologising for something that was not your fault, ❜ he adds and she grimaces.

all of them have kept telling her this, as if the constant repetition would make the thought sink into her mind and make itself at home there. but they both know that it is not this easy. guilt has always been a complicated emotion for her and this has not changed. rationally, she knows that it has not been her fault, that she has not pulled the trigger. emotionally, she does not care about details like this as it continues to feel like it has been on her somehow.

❛ i wanted us to be happy, ❜ she whispers against his chest, her hands grasping his sweater now. and this is the truth. she has wanted the boring happy ending ( for a bit ) --- kids, dogs, a house in the suburbs. a few centuries ago, a life like this would have been the definition of her worst nightmare, but things have changed. she has changed. being in love with noel has always meant that ideas like being a mother and having a family have sounded more like a goal and less like a shackle to run away from.

noel does not speak right away. instead, he rests his hand against the back of her head and just holds her for a bit as the horrible silence threatens to creep in again and make her hurt even more. then, he pulls back a little and wipes away her tears, the same way he has wiped the splattered blood off her face when he has found her a few weeks ago, hiding in the bathroom of her apartment because she has not managed to drag herself back to his after waking up in a morgue, with a mixture of emptiness and dread gnawing on her bones.

❛ we will grieve, ❜ he says, finally, as he looks towards the weird stack of gifts fay has sent, the flowers, the keys to her various homes all over the planet --- the evidence that there is something eating her alive, too, though auburn cannot deduce what it is, though the evidence is staggering. fay only ever cares this much when it comes to auburn when she is feeling bad about something. ❛ and when the time is right, we will start healing. you won't always feel like this, ❜ he adds with the silent confidence of someone who has known her for a very long time, who has always been good at understanding how she works.

she nods weakly as she rests her forehead against his shoulder. she knows what he cannot say, that they would have to move on from this, eventually, or be destroyed by it. and as much as auburn would have wanted the future, she cannot let noel and her be ruined by a future that has never happened, by a future that will forever be a vague dream. ❛ we will leave this city, won't we? ❜ she asks softly, even though she knows the answer. of course they would leave. of course they would not stay in this place, not after what they have just lost. there would have been good memories to make up for the tragedy under different circumstances, but the way things have come, she knows she will never set a foot into this city ever again.

her heart feels like a piece of it is gone, possibly forever, but she knows that while time is unreliable in its healing abilities, it is excellent at making her memories blurry and her forget just how much certain things have hurt her. in a century or three, she would no longer be able to remember sitting in this very living room, playfully fighting about potential names with noel. and while the thought of forgetting is terrifying in some ways, the idea of it also puts her at ease.

right now, the memory makes her cry again, because she remembers it like it has been only a day ago --- her arguing for a traditional roman name while noel has wanted something more modern and fay making the most outrageous suggestions while rolling her eyes. and it hurts, knowing that out of all the disagreements she has ever had with noel, this would be one of the few they would never settle because there was no longer a reason to disagree.

❛ wherever you want to go, whenever you want to go, ❜ noel says quietly and she knows that he is thinking about the same thing she is thinking about --- the nursery they have spent so much time on and the baby clothes and all the other things they have purchased because they have both been hopelessly enamoured with the idea of being parents.

❛ thank you, ❜ she says instead of what she would have preferred to say --- that this is all unfair, that they would have been so good at this, at being parents, at being a family, because there is no reason to rub more salt into open wounds. ❛ something big, maybe? where we've never been before? where no one knows us? ❜

noel nods, his voice gentle as he speaks again. ❛ i know that you can't stand me saying it again and again, but i will say it until it sinks in ... this is not your fault, ❜ he whispers into her hair and she nearly manages to smile. yes, he has always been too good at reading her emotional state and at finding the right words. but this is nothing he can fix, no matter how great he usually is at fixing things. ❛ and yes, i will find us a new home. ❜

#STUDY // YEAR: 1971 ❛ LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE UNIMAGINABLE #AV // NARRATION ❛ LET THIS BE THE FIRST CHAPTER #REL // NOBURN ❛ MY WHOLE HEART WILL BE YOURS FOREVER #@spotify: maybe don't play dear theo.dosia while i write this wtf??#um ... the usual tw for 1971 apply #this is also .... kinda sad

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pocket-anon · 7 years

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Operation: First Noel (5/7)

Well, @xhookswenchx, Day 5 is coming to you a tad late, but here it is, 1.6k of pure exhaustion-driven silliness. Seriously. There is really no substance to this whatsoever. But then, such can be said for many of the treats we consume during the holidays. :) Apologies for any typos. Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.

Find it on AO3. Missed a chapter? Get caught up here.

Summary: When the residents of Storybrooke enjoy a rare period of peace over the holiday season, Henry asks his family for something he’s never had - a real Christmas. A series of holiday vignettes. (Captain Swan/Captain Cobra/Captain Charming. Canon Divergent. Domestic Fluff, Humor, & Smut. Rated E purely for Chapter 4.)

Requested tags: @optomisticgirl, @deathbycaptainswan. Want to be tagged on updates? Let me know!

Chapter 5: On Being Awesome at Christmas

“Merry Christmas Eve!”

Emma gapes and then laughs when her father opens the door to the loft wearing a Santa hat and a cheerful grin. “Very nice, Dad.”

He beams and steps back to let her, Killian, and Henry in. “Your mom thought it would be fun,” he says, nodding toward the kitchen.

Emma looks to see her mother standing at the sink in a pretty silvery cardigan with reindeer antlers perched adorably in her hair. Snow cocks her head playfully, her expression sunny. “Just getting into the spirit,” she tells them. “You weren’t kidding when you said Christmas was a big deal. The amount of neat Christmas-themed stuff we found on the internet is insane.”

“Yeeeah, well, it’s pretty big business,” Emma chuckles, handing David her cookie platter before Killian relieves her of her long wool coat. Her pregnant nose immediately picks up on the savory aromas wafting through the air. “Smells great.”

“Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, stuffing, and cranberry sauce as requested,” Snow announces, reading off a hand-written list that was sitting on the counter near her.

Henry, still in his coat and with a wolfish grin on his face, is already standing by the stovetop with his head almost directly over the pan of gravy that simmers merrily there. “Awesome.”

Emma looks impressed. “Wow, you really went all out.”

Her mother shrugs. “Hey, we promised to help give you guys a real Christmas, and we may not be Granny, but your father and I know our way around a kitchen.”

“Well, we brought Christmas cookies and pecan pie, since we know how you feel about apple,” Henry says proudly, setting his foil-wrapped dish to one side on the counter.

Snow arches an eyebrow at him. “A whole pie or half a pie?” she asks teasingly.

He gives a harassed sigh and rolls his eyes. “Come on, that was three months ago.”

“Just checking.”

Emma sends Henry back down to the Bug to get the gifts they brought for her parents and Neal, and she busies herself with helping Snow in the kitchen while David and Killian attempt to keep her energetic little brother in check while he chases his favorite rubber ball around the loft.

“What time is Regina coming?” Emma asks.

Snow glances at the clock. “She should be here any minute.”

Emma fixes her mother with a questioning sidelong look while finishing the mashed potatoes with a generous splash of heavy cream. “How does she feel about this whole Christmas thing?”

Snow pours the gravy through a strainer and smiles patiently. “Well, you know Regina. She’ll join in with the right encouragement, but she’s rarely the one to lead the celebration.”

“No, I meant since she’s the one who kind of… stole Christmas. Before.”

Her mother gives a little laugh. “You know she doesn’t actually have anything against Christmas, right? She’s just like the rest of us – it’s new to her,” she points out, pushing the last bits of gravy around the bottom of the strainer. “I mean, clearly she understands it's supposed to be fun, or else she wouldn't have withheld it from us and then given it back to Henry later. She gets it. I don’t expect her to show up wearing bells, but I’m sure she’s as open to enjoying it as we are.”

Emma grins wryly. “Well, if she isn’t, we can always spike her eggnog.”

Snow laughs. “What?”

“Eggnog. It’s a drink.” Emma tilts her head thoughtfully and goes to investigate the contents of the refrigerator.

“Is that like grog?”

“Is what like grog?” Killian asks interestedly, coming over to fish Neal’s ball out of the corner. He rolls it back across the floor toward the living room where Neal and David are now distracted watching Henry tuck presents beneath the Christmas tree.

Emma rolls her eyes. “Mention grog and a pirate appears,” she says, smirking at him affectionately.

He shrugs amiably and props his elbow up on the breakfast bar. “I am what I am, Swan. Now, what about grog?”

“Not grog. Nog. Eggnog,” Emma chuckles, pulling a jug of whole milk out of the refrigerator and setting it next to the cream before reaching for the eggs. “It’s something people drink at Christmas. It’s egg, sugar, milk, cream, and a little nutmeg. I’ll show you. You can spike it with rum or bourbon or whatever, especially at Christmas parties where the guests are unsuspecting. Makes for interesting stories.”

“A Christmas tradition involving rum, and I wasn’t told until now?” Killian tsks and angles his head at her reproachfully.

Emma grins, her lashes shielding her eyes as she glances down to locate her parents’ handheld mixer under the counter. “Admittedly, an oversight.”

He snorts. “I should say so.”

Regina arrives by the time Emma finishes whipping the eggnog mixture together. Per Snow’s prediction, Henry’s other mother appears to be in good spirits and doesn’t have a hint of bah humbug about her. The corner of Emma’s mouth quirks as she watches the woman cuddle Neal on her lap and entertain him by conjuring little dancing lights in the palm of her hand. She hasn’t doubted Regina’s ability to find redemption for a long time, but there’s still something heart-warming about seeing the woman who was once the Evil Queen now joining her family to celebrate a holiday like Christmas. Honestly, if Emma thinks about it, stories like Regina’s and Killian’s, stories about lost souls consumed by sadness and resentment who, through the love and forgiveness of others, found their good hearts and new beginnings – those are some of the most Christmas-y stories of all.

The eggnog chills in the refrigerator while they sit down to dinner, pushing another table end-to-end with her parents’ regular one in order to make room for all seven of them and the impressive spread. Everyone has too much to eat; they all do a double-take when even Henry slumps back in his chair and claims he’s so full he can’t move.

He does move, eventually, as do the rest of them, when Neal's bedtime rolls around. Emma's little brother hurries about giving goodnight hugs and kisses to all assembled before Snow shuttles him up the stairs. The rest of the party migrates to the kitchen. Henry joins Killian and David in clean-up duty, Regina seats herself at the breakfast bar, and Emma hauls the eggnog out and begins to ladle it into mugs.

Regina lifts the mug Emma hands her and studies the cold white concoction dashed with nutmeg inside. “What is it?”

“Eggnog,” Emma explains. “It’s a Christmas tradition.”

Killian sips from his mug tentatively and furrows his brow as he licks a trace off the bottom edge of his moustache. “It goes down well enough, love,” he comments, setting it on the counter and reaching for his flask, “But I agree it could use a little something.”

David, hands tied up in the sink, agrees to a little splash of liquor in his cup as well, and Killian turns next to Regina, brows raised. “Your Majesty?”

Regina eyes her eggnog again, unconvinced of its merits, before holding it out to him and nodding. “What the hell.”

Killian chuckles and pours her a healthy dose. He tucks his flask away, retrieving his cup and clinking it against hers. “Cheers.”

Regina’s forehead wrinkles as she drinks, and she swirls some eggnog around her mouth like a sommelier before swallowing. Her frown disappears, and she pooches her lower lip and shrugs. “Well, what do you know? I guess rum is good for something after all.”

Killian laughs and points at her approvingly, cup in hand. “Ah, you see? There may be hope for you yet.”

While they wait for the pie to re-warm and for their stomachs to recover enough to eat it, Henry convinces them to play a few rounds of dice, using sugar-coated peanuts to wager. Regina initially sniffs at the idea of participating in such a boorish activity, but she begrudgingly allows her son to teach her how to play. Once she shoots her first game, however, her competitive nature takes over and she proves to be quite aggressive, especially when pitted against Killian, who is, naturally, the most experienced player in the room. Her enthusiasm only grows after her second cup of eggnog, her cheeks becoming delightfully rosy and her laugh a little louder, and Emma and Killian share amused looks when she goads them into playing one last game.

“Why, Regina,” Killian quips, “Who knew you’d make such delightful company with a few shots of rum in you?”

“Shut up, Pirate, and place your bet.”

It’s a great night overall, but the highlight comes near the end, after they consume the pie, when Killian gets up to take the dirty plates to the kitchen and David, who’s preparing to wash more dishes, meets him halfway.

Regina, her dark eyes still shining and a little glassy, suddenly cackles and points. “Hook is under the mistletoe,” she sing-songs.

Killian looks up to see David’s share of the plant hanging from the wooden beam above them. He glances at the Prince and rolls his eyes as he begins to turn back to Regina. “Surely, you don’t expect me to—” His words are cut off when David, who’s also enjoyed a couple servings of eggnog, merely plants a big smacking kiss on his cheek and walks back to the kitchen sink as if nothing ever happened.

Regina snickers. Snow titters behind her hand. Emma laughs until tears sting her eyes and her diaphragm hurts and the baby begins to kick. And Henry looks around at their family with a grin almost wider than his face and declares that for people who have never done Christmas before, they’re pretty awesome at it.

Thanks for reading! Ready for more? Click here for the next chapter!

#gfss #gf ss #my writing #operation: first noel #cs fic #cs ff #cs christmas #cs christmas ff #ouat ff #ouat fanfic

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flauntpage · 6 years

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The Most Important Man In Philadelphia Sports

It’s Bryan Colangelo, at least for the next few months.

This is the biggest offseason he’ll ever have as a player-personnel executive. There will be no time to go down to the Jersey shore and drink like a fish, which is what I soon hope to do.

Instead, he’ll be tasked with figuring out how to use significant salary cap space and movable trade pieces to improve a 52-win team that features two young superstars.

All of that seems to suggest immediacy, does it not? The Sixers are ready to win now! That’s sort of how the greater cross-section of fans and media view this thing, with the head coach telling us on Friday that a high-priced free agent is the next step to getting his team over the hump and into the Eastern Conference finals.

Colangelo seemed to agree with that, at least if you read between the lines. He did, of course, protect himself by leaving open the possibility of kicking the can down the road until 2019, when the Sixers would still have flexibility and “optionality” and, hopefully, a known quantity in Markelle Fultz. The downside of that is, well, kicking the can down the road when you’ve got a 21-year-old point guard and 23-year-old center who look like they’re ready to rock and roll right now. I’m not sure how interested the fan base is in waiting until 2019 for a big offseason splash.

“This is not about a one year situation, this is about a long run,” Colangelo said on Friday. “This is about the next eight to ten years. We’ve got flexibility built into our plan, both in ’18 and ’19 potentially. We’ve got the ability to improve this team this year, and if we decide to defer, another ‘stem’ year of sorts, if you will, like we did last summer, it’s a situation where you might see us waiting to make a splash in free agency in 2019. But the fact that we have flexibility and optionality in both is what we’ve been so diligent in protecting.”

And so here’s where you arrive at a crossroads of sort.

I think most Sixers fans are ready to ride this thing into the stratosphere, and that means pursuing LeBron James or Paul George and making a run at the finals. Maybe you combine one of those potential signings with a trade for Kawhi Leonard and just go for it, man.

The other end of that spectrum is to say “thanks, but no thanks,” pass on the off-court headaches LeBron might provide, and continue along a steady path that sees Embiid, Simmons, and Fultz take a step forward while reserving “optionality” for 2019. You take a look at how the Boston, Golden State, and Houston rosters shake out, then you make your run at the best-fit free agent(s) available.

Is there a middle ground here? A waffling? Maybe.

Maybe the Sixers draft Mikal Bridges, sign Will Barton, bring over Jonah Bolden, and do some sort of “not entirely going for it, but not really deferring either” kind of strategy. I don’t know how feasible that is, but I wouldn’t put it past Colangelo to try it. I think we’re all assuming that one of LeBron, PG13, or Kawhi wants to be here in the first place, so what happens if the Sixers swing and miss? You can always circle back and say, “well, that was never our strategy in the first place.”

It’s really a philosophical divide, right? I guess it depends on what your end goal is here. If your mindsight is to win a title at all costs, you go for LeBron right now. If you would rather see long term, sustained success, then deferral is okay. I find this interesting from a sports and fan psychology standpoint, because the Sixers’ support base is now an intriguing mixture of patient, pro-Process Hinkie supporters and casual, “win now” anti-tanking types who just came back to the bandwagon.

That’s the genesis of the organic vs. inorganic dichotomy that has emerged in the Sixers’ fan base, the idea that some folks want to win with a core of Embiid/Simmons/Fultz, while others feel like pricey free agents are necessary to get you over the hump. Even though I asked Brett Brown about it last week, I’d actually argue that the whole thing is a fallacy, since I feel like the concept of attracting stars to your franchise is organic in and of itself. If the first part of a rebuild is to establish young potential through the draft, then one of the final measures is adding a superstar “outsider.” To me, that’s one continuous, organic timeline of reconstruction.

I don’t know how Colangelo sees it, but it feels like the window of opportunity is smaller than most people think, since I’m not sure you can trust the GM to get any kind of legitimate return value on any free agent signing or trade.

Case in point, trading a first round pick to move up to select Fultz, a guy who sat on the bench while the #3 overall pick, Jayson Tatum, contributed to your playoff exit.

Now, I hate revisionist draft history, stuff like “why did we draft this guy when we could have had this guy?” If there was any logic to that thinking, we’d be asking ourselves why 12 teams passed on Donovan Mitchell and 31 passed on Tom Brady. We’d have learned our lesson when Brandon Graham and Earl Thomas both won Super Bowl rings. Every draft has a crap shoot element to it, certainly, but the Tatum/Fultz thing looks awful because Colangelo gave extra assets to a division rival. We’re now waiting for Fultz to develop to see if the trade ends up killing the Sixers long term or just maiming them.

Another case in point = $22 million for one year of JJ Redick. Now what? Ask him to take less money to stick around? That was a short term overpay that now needs to be rejiggered into something feasible, if they even want to keep him around. Eleven million dollars for one year of Amir Johnson? Now what?

Go down the list of Colangelo moves and the pattern is the same – little overall return value:

Getting nothing for Jahlil Okafor = Bad. You gave up a second round draft pick and got Trevor Booker in return, who was waived weeks later.

Nerlens Noel for Justin Anderson, an expiring contract (Andrew Bogut), and draft picks = did either team really “win” this trade? I guess the Sixers got the better end of it, considering that Noel bombed out in Dallas.

Paying Jerryd Bayless $27 million over three years = disastrous. Bayless came out of the rotation midway through the year and never looked or sounded like he wanted to be here.

Sergio Rodriguez and Gerald Henderson = didn’t really hurt, didn’t really help either

Turning Kendall Marshall into the draft pick that landed Bolden = good

Signing Joel Embiid to a long term contract = obvious move

drafting Ben Simmons = obvious move

Robert Covington contract = Feels like an overpay after Cov’s disappointing playoffs, but it made a lot of sense at the time and will probably pan out. Worst case scenario is that he’s a movable trade piece.

Marco Belinelli and Ersan Ilyasova = good veteran additions who required no assets to acquire. They were a big reason the team got the #3 seed and went on a 16 game winning streak to finish the year, but their limitations were obvious against Boston. These guys, at no cost, helped extend a season that wasn’t supposed to last this long in the first place.

Trading Jerami Grant for Ilyasova and a first round pick (that likely becomes two second rounders) = good return

Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot, Furkan Korkmaz, Anzejs Pasecniks, Mathias Lessort = who knows?

exercising T.J. McConnell’s option = pretty obvious move, but made necessary due to the question marks surrounding Markelle Fultz

So you look down that list and see some okay moves, some bad moves, and some decent moves, but does anything really jump off the page? There’s no Danny Ainge or Sam Hinkie fleecing in there, nothing that really says, “wow, that was a great move.”

Obviously it was much easier for Hinkie to tear it down and accrue assets vs. actually building this thing back up. There was less risk/reward in his reconstruction, most of which came in the form of how future draft picks ended up shaking out (i.e. the Lakers’ pick). The majority of the “reaching” is done by teams looking to turn the corner, which is where the Sixers are now.

Colangelo is always going to be judged as an extension of Hinkie and I don’t find that to be fair at all. There’s a portion of Sixers fans who will probably never give him credit for anything on the reasoning that Hinkie put this whole thing in motion and acquired the assets that are now being used. I get it, I do, but the reality is that no one will ever know whether Sam had the capacity to finish the job. If Colangelo and Hinkie are two different executives responsible for one single chain of restructuring, then Colangelo’s responsibilities are exponentially more difficult. In sales terms, Hinkie made the cold calls while Colangelo now has to close the deal.

There are reasons to be skeptical, mostly based on recent history, but whatever you think of him, there’s no doubt that Bryan Colangelo is the most important person in Philly sports right now.

The Most Important Man In Philadelphia Sports published first on https://footballhighlightseurope.tumblr.com/

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ronaldmorton · 7 years

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How to Get Over the Death of a Dog

If you arrived at this post, your dog has either died or at some point, like all living beings, he or she will pass away. You want to know how to get over the death of a dog and the fact of the matter is this: You don’t. Your identity as a loving dog parent evolves from the physical presence of a dog in your life to the eventual understanding, albeit it kicking and screaming, that the next time you will see your dog is when you physically pass away.

This blog is called Fidose of Reality, so I am not mincing words when I tell you this: Getting over the loss of a dog is not in my DNA. Anyone who tells you to get “over” your dog dying is either saying so to be cruel or because they truly do not understand the enormity of the bond you forever share with your dog.

My Dog Died and I Can’t Stop Crying

The first dog I ever owned as an adult took my heart, infused it into hers, and then took millions of pieces of it far away when she died in 2008. Here I sit nearly a decade later and my heart beats and breaks dog. My journey in claiming grief has not been an easy one, but I can attest to this: I will never get over the death of my dog and I’m fine with that. Allow me to explain.

I looked for books. I asked for help. I carried her cremated remains around with us. I saw a grief counselor. I joined a pet loss forum online until it sucked the little oxygen I had left in my soul from me. I could not bear to engage with the constant barrage of pets dying. I found zero comfort in shared loss back then. In fact, I wanted to scream and curse at these people, and often times, in the comfort of my own dog-less home, I screamed, cursed, and cried at them and in spite of them.

I wanted an answer, a remedy, a pain relief—I wanted something to make the intense angst in the pit of my chest to go away and in some miraculous fashion, bring my dog back.

I cared less how my wife felt in this grieving process and I told her so in my ever so distraught way: I can’t help you grieve because I am lost in my own well of sadness, I explained.

I went to a psychic, who called herself a medium. I just wanted help. Maybe this medium could somehow tell me it was okay and things would get better? I felt comfort in talking to this lady, sitting together at her kitchen table. No, she didn’t bring my dog back. Yes, she did know that I was grieving and she sensed it the moment I sat down for the reading.

I sought the help of a grief counselor, one who understood that my dog was a living being and not something or someone who is replaced. She never once said, “Why don’t you get another dog.”

The grief counselor explained there is no fast forward button on grief. I am a very type A personality and I like to get things done. I deal with public relations and problem solving on a daily basis. I just wanted a solution for the level of hurt inside my bloodstream. Please, I begged her, my wife, and God, just take my hurt away. I never wanted to harm myself: I just wanted my pain to end.

That’s the second worst part of grief, the first being the physical being is no longer with you. The intense pain that courses through your mind and your body 24/7, even infusing its misery into your dreams/nightmares is the second worst part of grief. You do not get over that grief. So what do you do?

The Day My Dog Died

Letting my little girl go is the worst moment in time that has ever happened in my life. I know all of the common sense things, many of which you are probably thinking: It was for the best, at least she isn’t suffering, you had to let her go. I know that. It makes sense. She was very ill and slowly withering away. It doesn’t make it fair nor does it diminish the grief. Death is a part of living that comes with a very high price, at least for this dog mom.

Being by her side when she died, I closed my eyes when she did and I feared my eyes would never completely reopen. I am outwardly heaving and sobbing right now. However, my eyes reopened and I found a purpose and a way to channel my grief, carry her with me, and live her legacy until my time to cross to the Rainbow Bridge comes.

When a Heart Beats Dog, It Breaks Dog, Too

Dogs are more like us than not but they are not humans. Dogs are the best of us when the worst of us breaks our hearts and lets us down.

I embrace a passion for dogs and that passion somehow in this crazy, messed up universe so very perfectly found its way to me. A little girl once lost found her forever home in dogs.

My life is a celebration of dog and their time on Earth, a mere flicker. Poof, we blink and it’s gone. A heart that beats dog is all too keenly aware of its ability to break, and oh how it shatters.

Every day is Christmas with a dog. It’s a true celebration, a present waiting to be unwrapped every day. Cliche, but true.There’s a secret unspoken club for us dog lovers of the highest order. On fortunate days, we find each other: At parks, pet-welcoming stores, on vacations, and at traffic lights. Dogs sniff, we smile. Ages are exchanged, stories are passed on, and dogs bring strangers together, even for a moment.

The words change, but the feelings are the same: Those who love and have learned to love more richly because of a dog carry a light in their soul. We have hope when the world goes crazy: Dogs want us in it. We are welcome in their worlds. They celebrate our existence. The circle of life is pretty damned special with a dog in it.

Moving Through the Guilt

I permitted the veterinarian to end my dog’s life. What kind of monster does that make me? I realize now that I would have been a monster to have allowed her to suffer.

We make a vow to our dogs when they enter our life, us dog lovers of the highest order. We promise to love them, we tell them we love them. We take them for vet visits, on trips, car rides, and all the things we do with and for dogs. And then in the moment they need us the most, we sometimes cannot make it better. This is what I held onto for so long: I could not make her better. I am not a miracle worker. What kind of monster am I? I am rotten to the core. I am not a dog lover after all. I gave her all these things, all this love and devotion and time, and now her helpless body cried out to me and my answer is to end it. Who does that? This is the torture that is my grief.

It took me years and years to realize that I did not murder my dog. You don’t have to understand it. We all walk a different path with grief.

I formed my career out of a love for dogs. That love was even more prominent when I had to say goodbye. I decided to reform my definition of letting go. It isn’t goodbye after all. You say goodbye when you know something is never coming back. The next journey is the one I will take to her and to all the dogs I love thereafter. What a huge hello my heaven shall be. Hope is a glorious feeling. Even if you feel our life ends here on Earth when our bodies die, it is true then that you go to the same state of being as the pets you have loved and lost do. You are all simply done from this Earth.

My friend, Jan Todd, had this beautiful painting done for me.

How to Cope With the Death of A Dog

Never ever ever, let me repeat: Never ever ever believe that grief is a one-size-fits-all process that every person experiences in the same way. Loss, and the grief that follows, is an individualized experience. There is no wrong way to grieve unless that way involves something that is beyond your control. If you need help, talk to someone, or whatever works for you: Do it. Do not let a family member, co-worker, relative, friend, or neighbor make you feel that this is “only a dog.”

I don’t love “only a dog” and I don’t grieve “only a dog.” I don’t live “only a life.”

Here are things I have done to help cope with the death of my dog. Feel free to borrow from this list or change it up as to how and when it suits you:

I get people to say or type her name. My Brandy Noel died in 2008, and here I am in 2017 typing her name. You just read her name and so now you know her a little bit, too. Maybe you will tweet or share this post and someone else will know her. Love never ends. Period.

Surround yourself with those who understand. Here I am close to a decade later and I surround myself with people who understand. Loss is loss whether it happened yesterday or decades ago. Time does not diminish pain; it does make it real and permanent and changes the construct of who we once were.

Sometimes I cry like the day my dog died. I do this when my other dog is not around, perhaps he is with my spouse in a separate room. I let loose.

Blog/write. For every cliché that says “writing helps the grieving process,” there is an angry writer that says “to hell with you” in response. This angry writer is here to say that writing works for me. I breathe her life into a new paragraph. She is here again. I write her name and her short time on earth flickers once more. Love never ends.

Talk to someone you can trust. For me, it was a grief counselor. I was good to no one if I couldn’t even understand what happened. I am not afraid to own my grief any longer. It’s now a badge of love I carry with me in a big unseen suitcase.

Fundraising for dogs in need: Together with my spouse, we created Wigglebutt Warriors, the fundraising arm of my dog blog, Fidose of Reality. We raise money for dogs in need. Dogs live such short lives. All my anger, grief, and tears will not bring my baby girl back. The love she gave and forever emblazoned on my heart is brought forward to any dog in need that we help.

Get a Permanent Tattoo: One or more. I have several now, most of them dog related. I carry her with me and am reminded of her permanent place in my life.

Look for Signs from Your Deceased Dog: The day my dog died, a white butterfly hovered over her weak body before we made what would become her final ride in the car. I knew it was her time to go. I have had white butterflies visit me at the most interesting times, and I honestly feel her close to me even more so in these moments.

This next piece of advice worked for me and I never in a zillion years thought I’d be writing this, let alone living it. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to love a dog again. I felt like I’d be cheating on my dead dog to give my heart to another. Wait, how could I even give my love away and risk it being squashed again? Do I even have any love left to give or did it end when I let my Brandy Noel go in 2008?

I need a dog in my life. You don’t compare dogs. I hear people say “my heart dog” and it’s so unfair for me. Every dog is my heart dog. I used to tell people I could never get another dog again. I now realize that I could never not love another dog again. Dog is in my soul. I love my current dog, Dexter, as I love my first dog. Love is love for me.

Dexter is my never again. Loving a dog is like breathing to me: It is second nature and an involuntary reflex.

Living a Legacy

I live. Someday I will not. I live, I love, I breathe dogs. I can never not share my life with a dog. There is so much love in my heart, to keep it boxed and closeted and under a shroud of blankets isn’t fair to the dog with whom I can share love. I know I will walk the path of hell that is grief again and again and again. I will be a warrior and face that grief but never shall I conquer it. I can’t get over it and honestly, I don’t want to move past it. I choose to carry it with me.

For all of you heart beating dog lovers of the highest order, make that bucket list, embrace your love of dogs, be proud of who you are, and never feed the trolls, haters, or those who otherwise don’t share that bond or understanding of love between human and dog. Love never ends.

If you want to learn more about my journey and losing my dog, please consider reading these blog posts:

Anatomy of a Grieving Dog Mom

How to Stop Dog Grief

Surviving the Holiday Season After Pet Loss

The Miracle of Dog Mountain and Dog Chapel

Beyond the Rainbow Bridge: Dogs Who Communicate

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