#I feel like i just booked my ticket to hell with this piece

[heavyhitterheaux]

Got Me Thinking

Part 1: Butterflies

Synopsis: a reunion that is well overdue makes your heart flutter once you lay eyes on your first love in more than ten years and the feelings that you thought were long gone come rushing back

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Reader

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Sighing to yourself, you quickly pulled out your phone and started looking for plane tickets to head back home to Louisville. It had been a little while since you had been back, but your biggest reason for going was to get away from him.

Him being your husband, Xavier.

The two of you had been married for only three years, but you were over it. You had come to the realization that the person you married was long gone and that there really was no hope left. The less that you were around him, the better.

You knew he was cheating on you and you recently discovered that he had gotten another woman pregnant and that she was due in less than a month.

He had no idea that you knew all of that information and since you found out, you had just been biding your time and had since opened up another bank account to save money in order to plan to get away from him.

The goal was to move back to Louisville so that you could be closer to your parents and siblings who stayed there while you were the only one that left.

Booking your flight, you closed your phone to begin packing since you would literally be leaving within the next few hours. At this point, you were desperate and longing for a peaceful environment.

You knew that he wouldn't ask any questions about where you were and it seemed as if it had gotten to the point where the two of you were simply roommates and you were completely okay with that.

It had been almost a week since you had seen him anyway.

A quick text was sent to your mom to let her know to expect you around midnight and she quickly responded back in excitement.

The plan was to divorce him by the end of this year because then you would have more than enough money to live off of for the time being once you moved back. Truth be told, you had enough money now, being a CRNA had its perks and it helped that you lived in California which had the highest pay for nurses because of the cost of living. Moving to Louisville would definitely be a pay cut, however you didn't even care. You just wanted to get away from him.

–

When you had finally touched down in Louisville at midnight, you told your mom not to worry about getting you from the airport but she insisted and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Once you slid into the passenger seat of her car after throwing your suitcase in the back, she immediately eyed you which made a sigh escape from your lips.

“Hi to you too, mother.”

“I'm just waiting until the divorce is finalized so that I can throw you a party.” She said while following behind the other cars headed towards the highway.

“By the end of the year. I told you that already.”

“But what are we waiting for? Anything that you need, you know me and your dad will support you until you get settled back here in Louisville. He is a piece of shit and I'm tired of him treating my daughter as if she isn't the best thing to happen to his ungrateful ass.”

“He wasn't always like this.”

“I know because if he was, ain't no way in hell he would have gotten my approval to marry you.” Your mother replied with her voice slightly raised and you simply sighed.

“You deserve so much more and it is hard seeing my youngest child so unhappy all the time. So, I'm just going to say it.”

“MOM!” You replied turning to her with wide eyes because you knew what was going to happen next and what she was going to say because she said it every single time that you talked to her on the phone or facetime.

“Jack wouldn't have treated you like this.”

“Will you ever let that go? We broke up more than 10 years ago! It was a mutual decision!”

“Well it needs to be a mutual decision for yall asses to get back together. Jack is the only son-in-law that I'm going to acknowledge at this point and I am waiting for the proposal. See? It's meant to be. I don't like his wife and I don't like your husband. There, that settles it.”

Any time that someone mentioned Jack, your heart immediately began to race and the butterflies in your stomach increased tenfold.

The two of you decided to end your relationship after dating from your freshman year in high school all the way up until senior year. It wasn't because either of you wanted to, it just was what was best. You were going to nursing school and Jack was trying to become a rapper and get a record deal and move to Atlanta. When you sat down and thought about it, the two of you could have made it work, but the last thing you wanted was for him to feel like he was being held back by you in any shape or form.

You saw how successful he was and was proud of him and never counted him out for a minute despite what people were saying around the two of you.

“Wait, pause. When did he get married?!”

“Talk about a delayed reaction. But it only happened about ten months ago. You and Xavier were umm… starting to have your issues so I didn't mention it. I met her when I went to meet Maggie for lunch and she gave me… What's that word yall use now? The ick. And in not so many words when Maggie and I went to lunch, she told me she didn't like her either and that he should have married you. Jack even LOOKS unhappy. But you didn't hear that from me. Do what you want with that information. I mean you could always go over to Maggie and Brian's. It seems like he's always there and never at home. I wouldn't be at home either with someone like that.”

“Mom! Quit it. I am here to…”

“Get away from your cheating ass husband who is also about to have a baby on you? Go and get the man who has wanted you since you were fourteen.”

All you did was sigh because you knew deep down that your mother was right. But, you still had hesitations in the back of your mind. You highly doubt that Jack still felt the same about you all these years later. Besides, he had a whole wife and you could admit that your mother could be extra dramatic at times, so why would he marry her if he didn't even like her?

“Okay, changing the subject. What do you want to eat when we get home?”

“Mom, it's one in the morning.”

“So? What time do stomachs open?”

–

Later on in the day when you had gotten some much needed sleep, you had a craving for some Italian food and decided to go to a restaurant not too far from your parents’ house and get your order to go. Your all time favorite, Vincenzo's.

In order to make it so no one in your house had to cook dinner, you took it upon yourself to get something for everyone. You had already placed your order and was waiting for it as you were scrolling on your phone, when suddenly you heard someone call your name from behind.

“Y/N?”

Once you looked up and turned around, you came face to face with no one other than Jack's younger brother Clay. Who you hadn't seen since you left Louisville to go to nursing school.

“Well look who it is and who is all grown up. Hi, Clay.” You responded while giving him a hug. You remember him wanting to be just like Jack and would want to follow him around everywhere.

“Just visiting or moving back like your parents want?” He asked and all you could do was roll your eyes because you knew your mom would tell anyone who would listen.

“Oh, so she's literally made it known to everyone that they want me to move back, but just visiting for right now. Had a taste for some Italian so here I am.”

“What are you doing tonight? Are you busy by any chance?” Clay asked, catching you off guard. Your only plans were to drink wine and watch tv until you passed out for exhaustion.

You simply shook your head no towards him.

“Well, it's Jack’s birthday and we’re throwing a surprise party for him and Urban. You should come. I know he would be happy to see you.”

You didn't even realize that it was in fact March 13th.

“Clay, I don't know. We haven't seen each other in over ten years.”

“All the more reason to come. Just…. trust me on this. He would want you there and I won't get knocked upside the head for his gift not being here on time and I'll just say that you're the gift.” All you did was laugh and shake your head.

It wouldn't totally be a bad thing to see him, but what would you say when you did?

The butterflies were erupting in your stomach again and you looked back up at Clay before you talked yourself out of it.

“What time and where is it?”

—

Your older sister, Janelle was currently with you in your childhood bedroom helping you decide what to wear and of course she was picking out the more revealing outfits while you were simply trying to be modest.

“Put them titties on display! Show him what he’s been missing!” She yelled and you simply looked at her and rolled your eyes.

“You are literally the worst and I should have asked Jeremiah.”

“Should have asked me what?” Your older brother and the middle child, Jeremiah asked as he popped his head into your room.

“What the? Since when do you live here?” You asked, confused by his sudden appearance.

“Well damn, I can’t come and see my baby sister when she’s here anymore? And besides, Janelle texted me and said you were going to a certain ex’s birthday party. So, I needed to find out the details and especially when the wedding date is.”

“Because Janelle cannot keep her mouth shut to save her life and yes I am. And wait a minute, WEDDING DATE? You two are just as insane as our mother.”

“She won’t dress slutty though as I’m suggesting.” Janelle said while rolling her eyes at you.

“You want my ass and boobs out like I’m not going to freeze.”

“Hoes don’t get cold.” She fired back, but you quickly gave it right back to her.

“I’m anemic.”

“You know you’ve always been it for him. I mean my baby sister is the shit and he let you get away and is now married to… umm…. Someone that is not on his level.” Jeremiah said as he went over to your vanity to pick out jewelry that you would wear despite you not having an outfit.

Jeremiah was definitely the fashionista out of the three of you and you knew for a fact if he wasn’t an orthopedic surgeon that he would definitely be doing big things in the fashion industry.

“So, all of you have met her?!”

“And it was not a pleasant experience and one that had left a good first impression.”

Janelle got up to rummage through your suitcase and found a black halter top that she paired with tan cargo pants and proceeded to throw your New Balance 550’s at you that matched.

“Here, go put this on. Your boobs are going to be spilling out the top in this.”

“Did I ever tell you two how much you both get on my nerves?”

“All the time, but it’s a good thing that we don’t care. Now it’s time to catch us a man.”

“He’s married.”

“And so are you. And both of you are miserable. Hurry up and make this happen, we have a wedding to plan.”

It was now 8 PM and you were sitting in the passenger’s seat of Clay’s car and the two of you were headed to where the surprise party was going to be held and he noticed how much you kept fidgeting.

“Y/N, it’s going to be fine. I know he misses you even if he doesn’t want to admit it at times. He is always asking our mom if she had talked to your mom lately and always asked how you were doing.”

“Really?”

All Clay did was nod his head as he slowed down to a complete stop at the red light in the intersection.

“Look, I… know he probably doesn’t want you to know this, but I’m telling you anyway.”

“Tell me what?” Now you could feel your heart rate speeding up.

“When he found out that you were married that broke him even though he was trying to put up a front and now he probably won’t admit it if someone asked him. He has never moved on from you.”

“Clay…. He’s married so, obviously he did move on.”

“Hmm, if you could call it that.” He responded while snorting and trying to find a place to park so that the two of you could head inside.

“Wait, what?”

“You know from the start that we were always rooting for you two to be together. Even our parents were.”

“Clay, I did not come here to break up a marriage.”

“I… it’s already broken despite it not even being an entire year yet, but you didn’t hear that from me. But Jack has to see it for himself. Anyway, we’re here. And if nothing else tonight puts a smile on his face, I know you will when he sees you. His wife might show up, she might not… she’s a piece of work.”

“All of you give me entirely too much credit. I am nothing special.”

“Ask Jack if he feels the same way and I guarantee that he’s going to say that you are.”

The two of you walked in and Clay had mentioned that Jack and Urban were going to be there within the next ten minutes and now your butterflies were starting all over again as they erupted once more in your stomach.

When PG saw you, you were placed into bone crushing hugs and it was expressed how much you had been missed around Louisville, especially from Jack and that once he laid eyes on you that it would be a done deal.

Clay told you to hide to the side in the back corner as PG was in front of you so that when Jack walked in, he wouldn’t be able to see you until everyone moved out of the way. He planned on everyone screaming ‘surprise’ when both of them walked in and then telling him that he wanted to start the party off right by showing him a gift that he had been patiently waiting for, and that gift was you.

It was now quiet in the room that the party was taking place and the lights had been shut off and you heard Jack and Urban mumbling to each other while trying to find the light switch. Once they did, everyone screamed ‘surprise!’ and the two of them were all smiles.

This was the first time that you had laid eyes on Jack in person in more than ten years and the butterflies erupted once more. He looked so good and it felt that your heart was about to beat out of your chest.

Clay had walked over towards him to give him a hug and then whispered in his ear and you were assuming that he was telling him about the so-called “gift” and the two of them started to walk towards where you were casually standing behind Ace and 2fo.

“I know that this will probably be your most favorite birthday gift that I’ve ever gotten you.” You heard Clay say and you simply smirked and laughed to yourself.

“Hmm, I’ll be the judge of that.” You heard him answer and it was now go time.

“Okay, Ace and 2fo, move out of the way so that he can see his surprise. I made this happen by the way, just so you know.” Clay said and Jack immediately rolled his eyes before laughing.

Once Ace and 2fo moved, Jack came face to face with you and it seemed to be speechless and it was as if he couldn’t believe that you were standing in front of him.

“Happy thirtieth birthday, Jackman, or should I say Jackson? Did you miss me?”

#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fanfiction #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow angst #jackman thomas #jackman thomas harlow

[the-californicationist]

Good Fences (Fluffuary #06)

FEB06: Acts of Devotion

You awoke the next morning to a loud banging outside your window. It was early enough that your alarm still hadn’t gone off. At first, you were scared, but when you glanced outside and saw the broad, strong back of your handsome neighbor, you were pleasantly surprised.

John was wearing suede working gloves with no shirt, wielding a hammer, and building something against the shared wall of your apartments. You slid the door ajar and wrapped your blanket around your shoulders to preserve what little modesty you had left for this man. 

“John?”

“Oh, sorry, love. Didn’t mean to wake you,” he smiled and began to affix another piece of wood to his creation. 

“What is this?”

“You were talkin’ about your tomatoes,” he said, not pausing his work, “Needin’ a trellis, innit that right?”

“Wow,” you took another look at his work and put a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. You needed him to hear your gratitude, “John, this is so kind of you. Thank you.”

He towered over you on the porch, and you realized how close you had been standing to him. John was looking down into your face, taking in your words, wrapping them up in his mind and saving them for later. 

He took a gloved hand and tilted your chin up just a bit, as if he might kiss you. You spent ages there, locked in his gaze, breathing the same air, feeling the wind on your cheek and his strong finger on your jaw. But, at the last moment, he turned away, going back to his work. 

You spent the better part of the day working. There were two students who really needed support, and you wanted to do your best for them. You were worn out, and as the afternoon faded away to the evening time, you’d forgotten that you had promised you’d make dinner tonight for John. It was a Wednesday, and those were always your days for dinner. 

When he showed up with a whiskey and a wine, you nearly burst into tears. You held it together, but barely. 

“John, today was an absolute shit show. I haven’t even had time to breathe, much less do dinner. And after you built my trellis for me; I feel terrible for letting you down. Can you please forgive me?”

“Don’t worry, love. I saw you workin’ while I was cleanin’ up outside, and I called Antonio’s an hour ago. Check the bag.”

He set all of his gifts down on your counter for you to inspect. You peered inside and saw what he had done. 

“Oh, my God,” you opened the bag he’d brought and there were two warm pasta carbonara dishes waiting for you. Breadsticks included. “John, you didn’t.”

“You’re busy savin’ the world, love. Feels good to be able to do somethin’ nice for you, if you’ll let me. I know I’m your neighbor, and I know that makes things complicated… but, I like you. And I like spending my time on you. Is that alright?”

You stepped into his space, just as you’d been standing on the porch, and you felt his heavy hands wrap around your waist, cradling you in his strong arms. Then, he cupped your cheek with a warm palm, holding your face up to his. His voice was a ragged whisper,

“If it’s not alright, you’ve gotta tell me now. ‘Cause I can’t stop thinkin’ about you.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him, crashing your lips against his. You felt him react almost immediately, smiling against your mouth, kissing you back. You felt his tongue slide against yours, opening you up to him, tasting you and holding you tightly. 

He only pulled away when you did. Smiling with you, and laughing a bit to himself,

“Bloody hell, I’ve been waiting for that, love.”

“Me, too,” you confessed. 

You were determined to show John how you truly felt about him, so the next day, you knocked on his door, packed and ready to take him on a whole slew of adventures just for him. You’d bought tickets to the local soccer match, and you’d booked an evening at a cigar bar downtown. You’d even planned a small picnic for lunch, but when he opened the door, you felt a lump in your throat. Something wasn’t right.

He was on the phone, and he held a finger to his lips, asking you for silence as you came into his apartment. You shut the door behind you as quietly as you could and sat with him on his couch. He was answering questions in yes and no statements, and you could tell he wanted to fill you in, so you waited patiently. 

Then, he hung up, and he threw his phone down on the coffee table with a loud thud. 

“Bad news, love.”

“What is it? Are you alright?”

He took your hands in his and sighed,

“I’ll be overseas for… work. But, I’ll be back here the moment it’s done.”

“Overseas? For how long?” You put your hands on his cheeks, studying his blue eyes for some answers.

He smiled, but it was a sad one,

“A while.”

When he kissed you this time, it felt like goodbye, and you prayed that it wasn’t.

Check out the schedule here.

AO3 Link

#the californicationist does fluff #fluffuary 2024 #fluffuary #john price fluff #john price #captain john price #captain price #john price x reader #john price x you #captain price x reader #captain price x you #captain john price x reader #captain john price x you #cod #cod fanfiction #call of duty #call of duty fanfiction #cod mw2 #cod mwii

[666writingcafe]

Barbatos' Birthday Surprise (Part One)

"...for more details on how to win tickets to see Severa at the Hell Dome on August twenty-fourth, visit our website www.wdbl.com and click on 'Contests'."

I turn off the radio as quickly as I turned it on. I originally was just going to listen to some music as I relaxed in my room at the House, but as soon as I heard the announcement, I knew I had to move quickly. While I don't know much about the band Severa, I do know that they specialize in metal music, and I happen to know someone that's really into that genre. Plus, it would make for a nice present for him, provided that he's okay with taking some time off.

Opening up my laptop, I go on the station's website and do as the announcer instructed. I'm then greeted with the following question:

Why do you want to win these tickets?

A simple enough question. I can imagine the radio station wants to weed out scalpers and scammers and give these tickets to someone that truly wants them and will go see the band in concert. Cracking my knuckles, I proceed to type in the empty text box accompanying the question.

I want to surprise a dear friend of mine with some time off. He works day in and day out with little rest, and although he will never admit it, he's starting to get tired. I can see it in his eyes. The two of us have bonded over our love of metal music, and we've spent time comparing and contrasting what it sounds like in the human world versus the Devildom. I hope by winning these tickets and attending the concert that we continue to grow close. He's a kind, caring man, even though his job requires him to be rigid and uptight, and I want to reward him for all his hard work.

As I fill in my contact information, I begin doubting my efforts. Surely a superfan will get the tickets over me, right? I mean, they would know more about the band than I do. Plus, I didn't name the person I wanted to get the tickets for. If I did, I'd probably would get the tickets right away. But, that would be cheating, and I want to win honestly.

So, I take a deep breath and hit the submit button.

~~~~~

"Oooh, MC's got mail!" Asmo teases lightly as I enter the living room. A while ago, Lucifer set up a table right outside the room so that he could easier sort the mail that the House received. Each of us has a basket, although mine's usually empty.

Except for today, when a thick, sturdy white envelope awaited me.

"Calm down, Asmo," Satan replies, glancing up from his book with an annoyed look on his face. "It's not like they're not allowed to receive any correspondence."

"What if it's from a secret admirer?" Asmo wonders, seemingly ignoring his brother.

"Do either one of you know who Jazzon M. is?" I ask, reading off the name on the upper left corner of the envelope.

"He's one of the radio DJs for WDBL," Satan responds as he closes his book.

"I see." My throat tightens up, and I feel my heart begin to beat faster. Grabbing a nearby letter opener, I carefully cut across the top of the envelope and pull out a neatly folded piece of paper. Unfolding it reveals a handwritten letter.

Dear MC,

I wanted to reach out to you personally and congratulate you on winning our contest on WDBL 110.6. Your submission was quite sweet, and after a bit of sleuthing, I figured out who exactly you wanted to get these tickets for. So, I pulled some strings and included a couple extra things in order to make the experience extra special for the two of you.

Hope you have a blast!

J.M.

"Everything alright, MC?" Asmo asks. "You look a little pale."

"I'm fine. Just...surprised, that's all."

"I take it you won one of the stations' contests?" Satan asks. I nod my head.

"They were giving away tickets to see this metal band called Severa at the Hell Dome on August twenty-fourth, and I figured it would make a nice birthday present for Barbatos." The two demons exchange glances, making me even more nervous. "Did I make a bad assumption?"

"Severa is one of Barbatos' favorite bands of all time," Satan responds. "Their shows are normally sold out minutes after they go on sale, though, and no amount of connections or money is going to make any of those people resell their tickets."

"I...I didn't know that."

"He's never had any luck seeing them live," Asmo continues as I sit down next to him on the couch. "The one time he got tickets, he ended up with a horrible stomach flu that knocked him out for the entire week of the concert. Rumor has it that when he wasn't throwing up, he was straight up crying because he couldn't attend the concert. Apparently, he was that distraught."

"So, in other words, I picked out a good gift for him."

"Not just a good gift, MC: the perfect gift. Nothing anyone else does for him is going to top that." I breathe a sigh of relief. I'm glad I didn't mess up by getting Barbatos something he wouldn't like or enjoy for his birthday.

"What all is in the envelope?" Satan asks. "It looks awfully thick for it to just have tickets and a letter." I carefully dump out the remaining contents on the coffee table in front of me.

"Front row tickets?!" Asmo exclaims. "AND VIP lanyards?!"

"Looks like there's backstage passes, too," Satan remarks.

"He did say that he pulled some strings," I explain as Asmo unfolds another piece of paper.

"I would say a lot," he replies. "He reserved you a suite at the Utopia Hotel." Upon seeing the confused look on my face, he explains that it's one of the most expensive hotels in the Devildom, partly due to its close proximity to the Hell Dome, and partly due to how fancy the building itself is.

"You also have a reservation at Ristorante Ninurta the night before the concert," Satan continues. "They're usually booked for months at a time, sometimes years."

"You two are going to be so spoiled! I'm super jealous!"

"You don't even like metal music, Asmo."

"That's not the point!" Asmo turns his head to look at me. "What's important is that you're going to have one of the best experiences of your entire life. Barbatos is going to be all over you, MC."

"No offense, but I find that hard to believe," I tell him.

"Asmo might actually be right for once," Satan interjects. "People have told me that live metal music brings out a different side of Barbatos, one that no one really expects. He gets a bit rougher around the edges, saying and doing things he normally wouldn't in any other circumstance."

"In any case, you need to get this to Barbatos as soon as possible," Asmo instructs. "That way, he has plenty of time to prepare for it."

#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me barbatos #this is me expanding upon what i wrote for “barbatos as a lover” #you see #the idea just hasn't left my head #it's kept popping up #especially when I'm bored at work #I'm splitting this into parts/chapters so that you guys aren't reading one super long post #plus tumblr has a word limit for each post #and this would probably exceed that limit if i did everything in a single post

[hypnos333]

Deep Enð

Lee Felix x Reader

Synopsis: After a long tour and a breakup Felix decides to get you back to home

“Felix!” You yelp as his arms wrapped around you and his lips were on your neck, you can feel yourself drowning into his comfiness. “I thought you wanted food” You gasped

“I do” he murmured, tugging on her skirt “but I want you more” She chuckled as she looked at him in his eyes

“Are you crazy?” “Worse” “What is worse?” “In love” He smiled at her dreamily making her blush.

Felix couldn’t help but remember that piece of memory before everything fell apart. You were so free to laugh and free to open up. It’s been months since he saw you know.

He was on tour for months and that’s when you couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with him.

The last 4 months of the tour was hell for him knowing that he couldn’t comfort you and tell you everything will be okay and he’ll see you soon. But at the end you blocked him off everything and the only thing he can remember you by is a stuff animal you gifted him on his anniversary with you.

He needed you back, Your voice, your hair, your pure Vanilla smell, he missed everything about you.

He knew you liked red velvet cupcakes and would easily share with him a cupcake or cake without him even asking and those are most days with you. But now it’s just an empty house.

He was so close of crying on stage of the break up he was in____ when it happened

“Felix we need to talk” you said is a blunt tone after he finally answered after so many rehearsals and after 10 missed calls

It must’ve been night as how dark his room is and how sleepy he was.

“Felix? What happened to babe, Pretty girl?” he asked wanting to know why your such in a saddened mood.

“I think we should break up, I-I can’t do this anymore I can’t do this long distance thing. My mental health is just I can’t Felix” You struggled to find the words and everything was just silent now.

“W-What?” He asked in disbelief

“I just can’t right now, you have 4 months till the tour is over and he barely talk, or even text and like I need attention” Listing out the reason for this to happen but Felix was to lost in his thoughts he didn’t understand. He love you and that’s all that matters right?

So he did what his instincts told him to do Beg.

“Please pretty girl whatever was wrong i’ll fix it, I’ll come back and spoil you with gifts and attention, You know what fuck this Concert I’ll book the first ticket out of here if that’s what you’ll like. I-“Felix you can’t do that me and you both know that” You interrupted him.

Silence was all there was until Felix muffled sobs went through the other end of the phone. You tried not to cry yourself as tears rolled down your face.

“I-I already packed my stuff, the apartment is your I’ll be at my university dorms, I hope you meet someone else Felix” You said before hanging up the phone leaving no room for him to say more.

He sobbed through the night and continued through out the day. He tried not to on stage but he can’t help but think of you instantly. The boys tried to comfort him but he was to heartbroken.

The biggest mistake was telling him where you were.

A knock on your door made you wander who the person was as you wiped your hands on your apron finishing making Kimchi.

They knock again “IM COMING!” you yelled out rushing towards the door. “Damn this person is so impatient” You mumbling before opening the door.

You gasp in disbelief before quickly trying to close the door again but he push the door back open.

“Let’s talk shall we pretty girl” He said

“Felix maybe this isn’t the time, I’m about to have dinner at f/n place” You said sternly trying to get him out.

“You can’t give me the time of day? I just need to talk to you for 30 minutes and that’s it” Felix begged making you give him an uncertainty before sighing, gesturing him to the couch.

As you both settle, You waited for him to say what he wanted to say.

“I-I can’t live without you, I’m struggling without you and You make me feel like i’m complete and i’m sinking without you. i’ll quit stray kids for you or I won’t go to concerts” He said trying not to let his voice crack but tears still slip out as he cries making you feel like crying too.

You stood up as you quickly hug him, he wrapped his arms around your waist and he snuggled in your stomach as he continues crying. “I-Im sorry, So so sorry” He mumbled as he sniffs.

“It’s okay baby” You reassured as he tightened his hold.

“We’ll figure it out love, I promise” You continued saying as he nodded his head. “Would you like to stay here? I made Kimchi would you like some?” You asked making sure to get him as comfortable as possible.

He nodded to both questions so you dragged him to the dining room before dishing out Kimchi for him and you. As you also texted your friend that you can’t make it to the dinner before setting your phone down.

You place the bowl in front of him then sat on the chair next to him digging in to the food.

“How are you?” he asked in his raspy voice from crying.

“I’m doing Okay, How are you?” You asked back.

“I’ve been holding on” he answered taking your hand into his as you smile sadly at him.

“Are you finish, I could wash the dishes” He said getting up, “Oh no no it’s okay I can do it” You said also getting up but he gave you this look making you give him the bowl.

As he wash the dishes you said something that made him surprise and excited.

“You can sleep with me if you want”

“Yes! Of course wait I mean sure I wouldn’t mind”

As you got ready for bed you gave Felix an extra pair of clothes that were secretly his.

Laying in bed with him felt like a dream and old reality and as you drift off to bed he wrapped his arms around you before mumbling “I love you”

Maybe everything will go back to normal.

#lee felix x reader #stray kids #stray kids x reader #x reader #lee felix x you

[voidcat]

— letters to no one (life eternal)

characters: rain ghoul, gn!reader

notes & wc: mcd, angst, hurt/(little) no comfort, slice of life if you squint?, I kept the CoD vague on purpose to leave it up for interpretation but what I intended for it is between the lines. from rain’s perspective, this one is just… sad. – 1.6k

a/n: you can read this while listening to I Love You So by The Walters, mostly for the melody and the outro (and The Loneliest by Maneskin)

Out of all the ghouls, Rain has always been the sentimental one.

Shy and sensitive of the world, caring of the ones in his life, among everything, he is a collector– has always been one.

Rain has collected many things in his lifetime, and continues to do so. Be it guitar picks, instruments, note sheets of all kinds of music, for all types of instruments… as for his favorite– he likes to collect memories.

Tickets, trinkets, books old and new, notepads, even small silly doodles the other ghouls scribble on random pieces of paper-like material– anything that carries a memory within, Rain keeps it.

All the collecting and keeping, over the years his collection has only grown. Yet for all its size, he doesn’t check it, rarely going through some items again, from time to time.

To reminisce about the past, to laugh about a moment with someone else– everything else he comes across, it’s usually when he is replacing items or reorganizing the space.

That’s how he finds himself like this now. 

Sitting on the floor, in the cold, in the dead of the night. The halls behind the doors remain silent, even the ghouls are asleep now.

In his hand sits an old napkin.

It has gotten filthy, probably contaminated as well ever since the time he kept it. 

It is almost funny, this item of his collection was not intentional. That he just… forgot about the napkin in his pocket for a very long time, accidentally pulling it out when fishing for something else in his pockets, until one day he gave in, sure, better to have you there as well since all you do is replay that moment inside my head.

Crumpled up and some parts having a different texture than the other, he really should’ve just tossed this one out, or got it cleaned. But that would eradicate all the purpose, the memory hidden in it as well.

Rain still remembers the day, the moment itself, as clear as the fires of hell.

He can still hear the sudden breaking into a sob, a sound that clawed at his chest, the wetness he could feel on his shoulder, the way your body would shake, how you stared off into space when he wiped the tears off your face.

He hates himself for thinking like that but even then you looked beautiful.

You were never much of a crier.

Not in front of others, not even when alone with yourself, as you revealed to him once later, that you need complete darkness or to shut your eyes as tight as you could, to be able to cry, to cry in a fashion you claimed ‘proper’.

When he asked what you meant by that, your silence told him this was not a conversation for now, for another moment of vulnerability and breakdown.

The napkin in his hand again, as if you’re sitting next to him, in front of him, like back then, Rain still recalls each spot on your face that he dried, cradling your cheek, brushing strands of hair away and tucking them, knowing well how their presence could overwhelm you at times.

A part of Rain cherishes the memory as much as he hates it.

The show of trust, the vulnerability, the intimacy shared which you’ve offered him– he knows the two of you have always been close but still, this, this is something grand for your standards, for the person you are.

Hate the moment, cherish the memory– this is not a luxury Rain has when it comes to you, not anymore.

The napkin still in his hand, the small box of other trinkets by his leg, half a meter away a stack of what seems to be paper and envelopes tied together; he sits like that, in vain, waiting, thinking about nothing in particular.

Taking in a deep breath and closing his eyes, he lets his shoulders drop.

Rain misses you.

The letters ahead of him still smell like you, he makes sure of it, preserving them so your scent will remain a tad longer.

Rain has been missing you for quite some time now, for far too long.

He doesn't know how much has passed anymore but he knows it passed too much, too long, long enough to make him question while he is still here as well, has his time not come yet?

With each memory, each little thing in his collection, he honors a memory, grieves a part of you. Be it happy, sad, he is grateful he got to see so many sides of you.

This doesn’t stop him from wishing he saw more though, it never will.

Because when it comes to you, Rain is selfish.

And how can he not be? You wouldn't blame him for it if you knew, you would understand just as he does.

He does and yet, he still aches for you all the same, wishing he could be that pillar for you, that change, that escape from everything else, the reality, the people, the worries and the stress. 

With you, for you, Rain becomes a selfish person, always wishing for more, hoping for more, just a little longer, a little closer, a bit more, he craves and craves as his heart aches for more, his hunger unappeased. 

For ghouls, emotions do not always progress the same way they do for humans. They do not get attached like them, do not love like them, do not hate or experience sorrow like them.

Yet the beauty of feelings always precede barriers that separate them. And once they feel, they do so with an intensity, with passion, with a weight to it, putting their everything, pouring their beings into it.

Now Rain understands why they often do not allow people to have one last look.

This pain deep inside him would be tolerable, had it been few years more, an unexplained reason, something to brush off as genetics, ‘that's just how life is.’, an accident– anything to ease it, to justify the little passage of time.

In normal circumstances he should’ve felt like this years later, not thinking about how early everything is, too soon, too soon, his mind whispers at him constantly.

He understands why they explain that forbiddance to preserve the memory.

Because when Rain thinks of you now, he can see your smile, the warmth in it, but the image shifts so quickly to that neutral expression you usually wore, now to stay on your face forever– until time begins to decay, piece by piece, limb by limb you begin to disintegrate.

The feeling of your warmth replaced with how cold and heavy you’ve gotten. Rigor mortis is no joke but Rain never thought it’d feel this heavy on his shoulders.

Eyes staring blankly, away, to nothing in particular, to no one in particular, to the void and the void stares back.

Of course, not to him, rarely with him. There was a spark in your eyes, that crease in your face, how you always said your face would ache when you're with him, ‘it's because i am smiling so much, my muscles hurt.’ 

He was aware of the sadness laced within your explaination, but now it feels like a hammer to his chest.

And above all, Rain misses seeing the beauty of life, of love, the brightness and the warmth of the sun on you.

The color red only disgusts him now.

He never liked this look on you, the one you had on default, as you’ve explained it, the one you wore often, the one you had when nobody was watching– of course, he was, but it seems you weren’t aware, or you just didn't have any energy left in you to care. Maybe you just knew pretending would only make it worse, and offered him an honest side of you, no masks, no acting, no pretending when you’re with him.

Rain never liked how integrated with the void you were, and he hates how indifferent you look now.

As if nothing has changed, as if you were dead from the beginning, not quite living even when you were alive, save for a few exceptions– most of which you shared with him, he hopes.

It is a selfish wish, he knows, but he doesn’t have anything else to hope for at this point, except to be a source of solace when you were still with him, still laughing, still warm in his arms and not like some dead weight.

Rain always knew of the inevitable sorrow, the fate that awaited the two of you. Humans are fragile beings, they never last as long as ghouls do.

He knew this day would come eventually, accepting the risks all the same, willing to experience that gut wrenching, backstabbing, choking sorrow. Aether warned him, Papas warned him, some just looked your way with envy, some with pity– 

Yet when weighing the options, a lifetime spent with you, even if just a small portion of his life, seems worth the heartache that’ll follow.

And it is, as he learns firsthand now.

All the letters you’ve written to him, for him, about him, about your life, about nothing at all, impromptu stories and poems; they sit together, tied neatly with a ribbon of your favorite color.

They still smell of you, much to Rain’s content, when he brings the stack to his face. Something to hold on to for a little longer, to keep the memory living outside his mind, to make it last for some time more.

All he can do is to hope that their infernal lord, the morningstar, offers you that peace of mind, the happiness, the ease you deserved your whole life.

That is, if you are there.

If that’s the case, maybe he can visit you some day.

Hope is all Rain has left nowadays, besides his collection gathering dust just as his heart.

#ghost band stuff #gender neutral reader #rain ghoul #rain x you #rain x reader #rain ghoul x you #rain ghoul x reader #ghost x you #ghost x reader #ghost bc fanfiction #ghost bc x reader #angst #ghost bc x you #ghost band x you #ghost band x reader

[eddievanhammettmunson]

Trips. (Part 1)

Eddie Munson x Fem reader

Message from author- hi everyone. I’m so excited to be writing this but also insanely nervous because I haven’t written fan fiction since the ripe year of 2014. That being said there will probably be errors that I will do my best to avoid. The writing may not be the best cause I’m rusty but I’ll give it my all. If you want a part 2 please let me know :)

Warnings- Mentions of drugs and drug use, fluff (I’ll write smut someday when I’m ready but today ain’t that day hunny), takes place in season 4 ig but it’s my imagination so the Byers are still in Hawkins and people are actually able to be happy?happy ending? But also not really cause I wanna write a part two so if your interested in a part 2 let me know.

Summary- Being stuck between popular and nobody has always been a fine line. But when a few of your freshman friends ask you to join in on their adventures with the hellfire club is y/n ready to risk their safe haven of a reputation to join the freaks? And maybe even a certain freak in particular?

“So what you’re saying Sinclair has been taken in by the dark side” Eddie said as he was eyeing both dustin and Mike waiting for their response.

“Uh something like that�� the moment Mike Wheeler said this suddenly there was a piece of food being thrown at his face.

“Something like that? And rather than find a Sub for him you’d like to POSTPONE the cult of Vecna”. Upon saying this Eddie could already feel the freshman growing worrisome about what the next words out of Eddie’s mouth would be. That is until Will finally showed up at the lunch table. Seemingly distracting everyone with the book in his hand.

“You’re late Byers. You here to ask me to postpone the cult of Vecna too?” Eddie said not even looking Will in the face fully knowing Will would say yes.

“Yes actually. I know I know you’ve been planning this forever Eddie and it means a lot to all of us and that’s why I think Lucas should be here. And I know how important the cult of Vecna is and if you let us postpone it by even just a day I’ll work on character sheets and help you prepare for the campaign and everything Eddie I promise. But Lucas is our friend and a party member asking for support and as his party I feel like we should be there for him” Will said this so confidently and calmly that it left the entire lunch table stunned.

Eddie thought on this for a moment. He stood up and walked behind Dustin, Will and Mike.

“Okay Byers. One day I’ll postpone it for one day and you have to keep up your end of the deal by helping me setup for the campaign. Now as for you two” Eddie said as he put his hands on Dustin and Mikes shoulders yanking them up from their seats.

“Now you two who had the nerve to ask me to postpone the cult of Vecna without any sort of plan or bargaining chip, you two get to go out and find 2 little lost sheep to join in our hellish crusade” Eddie said shoving the freshman forward into the sea of high schoolers.

“Wait what why 2 there’s no way we’re gonna find 2 people from this school to join us Eddie” As Mike said this he realized it was not going to change Eddie’s mind at all. Hell he’ll be lucky if they don’t have to find 3 members now.

“Isn’t it obvious 1 new member for each of you. Now get out there and find somebody”.

With lunch nearing its end y/n sat in the cafeteria just dozing off at the useless conversation happening around you. And since you weren’t really all that interested in the conversation let alone any of the people you were sitting with really you decided that maybe you’d just skip next period to go outside and read by yourself. That is until you walked past Jason’s table and Jason and his girlfriend Chrissy approached and stopped you.

“Hey y/n you’re coming to the game tonight right?” Chrissy said and she looked at you with a wide eyes and a wide smile to match.

“I hadn’t originally planned on it but Sinclair gave me this ticket and I’m always down to support a friend” you said looking at their table and giving Lucas a small wave. You didn’t totally understand why he’d decided to join the basketball team and sit with these people but you couldn’t really judge him for it. And of course you were gonna be at the game to support him no matter what. He’s one of your closest friends really.

“Well I’m sure Chance will be real happy to see you in the stands” Jason said looking at you. He had a slight smirk on his face.

“You know I’m not gonna be there for him Jason. We broke up end of story Jason”. As you finished saying this you decided this conversation wasn’t worth anymore of your time and just continued on your way outside to read your book and clear your mind.

It’s weird being the person in between. You’re not exactly the queen of Hawkins high like Chrissy but everyone knows you. You’re at every party, almost every game. Hell you dated one of the guys on the basketball team for over a year despite the fact that you’re not some pretty pom Pom cheerleader. If anything the crowd you run with the most would be the party people. Your wild hair colors and dark clothes and chains have you bordering on freak territory but for some reason nobody ever treats you like one. You’re not invisible but you’re not seen. You exist and everyone know who you are but very little know you.

You’d thought about maybe heading to the yearbook room to talk to Nancy but you knew she’d be busy since she’s taken on being the chair of the Hawkins high newspaper and you didn’t want to distract her or get your eyes clawed out for distracting her. She’s very high strung but besides Robin and Steve she’s pretty much your best friend. And you would go hang out with Robin but you really didn’t feel like sitting with the band kids and all their instruments today. So outside alone is where you ended up staying with your book.

As you sat there reading your book you didn’t realize how much time you’d spent sitting there reading. Not until you heard the last bell and realized you’d accidentally skipped all your afternoon classes. Wouldn’t be the first time but your grades are good enough to get by. As you’re walking off campus you hear Mike and Dustin arguing in the distance but decide to just head on your way and ask them about it another time. That is until you hear their footsteps and voices coming up behind you running to catch up with you.

“Y/N WAIT UP PLEASE WAIT WE WANNA TALK TO YOU” Dustin yelled at the top of his lungs as if he was dying. Worried this might be an upside down situation you quickly spin around.

“What’s wrong are you guys okay? Is it?…” your voice trails off as you look at them with wide eyes. Out of breath Mike and Dustin realize what you mean and Mike trying to catch his breath says

“No no no sorry nothing like that but we do need your help” Mike looks like he’s going to continue but gets cut off abruptly by Dustin.

“Y/n we need you to join hellfire club with us please it’s life or death” Dustin looks at you pleading. Not a bone in his or Mikes body actually thinks you’ll say yes but they’re running out of options.

“Guys I can’t I promised Lucas I’d go to his game tonight. Wait are you guys not going to his game????” As you said this you realize you may have snapped at them a bit but waited for their response anyways.

“No no we are but we had to talk Eddie into letting us Postpone it and he agreed but we have to find 2 people to join hellfire with us tomorrow instead and we haven’t been able to find anyone, Y/n pleaseeeeee this is important” Dustin was begging you at this point and Mike looked like he was about to pass out waiting for your response.

“Okay okay calm down I’ll be there. You guys meet in the theatre room right?” You say as you start to turn around and continue your walk to the parking lot.

Both the boys looked stunned that you’d agree so easily and Mike stumbling after you managed to cough out

“Uh yeah YES we meet in the theatre room. Y/n wait do you need any help setting up your character cause you have to come with a character and a sheet and-“ before he could continue talking all you say is

“Don’t worry about me I’ll be there. You guys should be more worried about the second member you’re gonna get to join”

“Shit shit shit!” Dustin exclaims feeling the victory they’d just secured fading away in realizing the task is only 50% complete.

“You know you guys there’s more than one Sinclair in this town who’d like to play D&D I believe” you said with a smirk as you watched the two boys run towards Hawkins middle school.

As you walked into the gym you’re suddenly hit with a fresh ounce of anxiety. Where on earth are you gonna sit. You can’t sit with Robin because she’s playing with the band but you see her standing next to Vickie and you give Robin a slight wink paired with a wave and Robin just gives you a slight laugh and a nod. A little further down you see Steve and the latest date he’s brought and decide you don’t really wanna third wheel with Harrington but return the wave he gives as you pass by. You think for a moment to just go stand next to Nancy for the game but she’s so caught up in getting the story that you don’t want to intrude. You’re so lost in thought you don’t even realize it when Chrissy runs up to you and gives you a hug.

“IM SO GLAD YOU CAME!!” Chrissy said with a wide smile that made you laugh.

“Chrissy I told you I would be here” you returned her hug and took a step back so you could hold a conversation.

“I know but after what Jason said to you about Chance and how you left I figured you might not wanna show after all. But I’m glad you did”

You watched as Chrissy ran back to her cheer squad and you continued on your path to look for a seat. When you thought all hope was lost you see Mike, Dustin, Will and Erica deep in conversation. As you stared at them suddenly Will notices you and starts waving you towards him and when Dustin and Mike notice him waving you towards them they do the same. And you make your way to them in the stands.

“No eleven and Max tonight?” You asked them as soon as your were close enough to where you knew they could hear you.

“Eleven and Max should be here soon. They’ve been hanging out all day so they’re probably just late” Mike says as you pass by him and go sit in the seat that Erica and Will made for you between them. As time ticked on the game started and all of you guys just chit chatted amongst yourselves while Lucas sat on the bench. Eventually Max and Eleven showed up late but with snacks for everyone that they shared. Max sat next to dustin as they discussed the game and Dustin annoyed max with probabilities of who would win. Eleven and Mike sat together and were very touchy feely and upon seeing this you notice Will grow uncomfortable and sad. You knew why. Will didn’t have to tell you and you weren’t going to pry it out of him. You’ve known him long enough to know so you decide to distract him.

“Hey Will did Dustin and Mike tell you I’m coming to hellfire tomorrow?” Upon saying this Will perks up and turns towards you ready to discuss tomorrows events.

“Yeah they did both you and Erica are coming and I’m super excited. So y/n are you ready to put your secret dungeons and dragons skills to the test?” Will said nudging you with his elbow.

After you’d gotten to know the gang after Will went missing and you and your friend Steve got tangled up in the whole upside down mess. When Will came back and all of the upside down mess started again you would spend time with Will in the hospital and he’d talk to you about D&D. You had a soft spot for the kids so you would listen to what he’d teach you. And the summer Dustin was at camp and Lucas and Mike were too busy with their girlfriends to play D&D Will asked if you wanted to hangout and learn more about D&D and you said yes. Mostly cause you felt bad for the kid but partially cause you were actually interested. You and him spent a lot of time building your character and preparing although this would be your first actual adventure.

“I wouldn’t call them “secret” skills Byers. I just haven’t gotten to use them yet” you said nudging him back with a smile. When Erica chirped in

“You’re all a bunch of nerds” upon hearing this you turn towards Erica who’s dawning a wide smile.

“Says the queen of nerds herself. Don’t try to hide it Erica, Dustin told me all about how he taught you to play D&D after you’re adventures with the Russians” you say as you nudge her and laugh. You, Will and Erica spend some more time discussing the hellfire club and your plans for tomorrow. It was decided that you would pick up Mike, Dustin, and Erica and take them to D&D tomorrow night. While you guys are discussing this suddenly Max interrupts everyone’s current conversations.

“Guys Guys look! They’re pulling Lucas off the bench!” Everyone quickly turns and looks towards the court to see Lucas stepping off the bench. You all watch with baited breath as the game continues and you all erupt in a loud rawr of cheers and laughters louder than anyone else in the gym when Lucas Sinclair makes the winning shot. You’re all so proud of him and when the game is over all of you go to congratulate him.

Since it’s Saturday luckily you don’t have to wake up early so you spend most of the day getting or being high. Like most days really. It’s only weed though. You quit the harder drugs after the night Barbra went missing. You’d been in the woods behind Steve’s house making your way to the party to try and get some drugs from Tommy. You saw Barb there at the pool one second and vanish the next. What you saw in the woods after that changed your life. One of those Demogorgons. After that you quit the hard drugs and became very close friends with Nancy.

No matter what happened between her and Steve you always stuck by Nancy cause you felt so bad about that night. Maybe just maybe if you hadn’t been a messed up druggie maybe you could have done something..anything.. to save her friend Barb. Suddenly your pulled out of your thoughts by the phone ringing. Almost as if God had heard your thoughts you pick up the phone and hear Nancy’s voice.

“Y/n? You there?”

“Yeah Nance I’m here. What’s up?”

“Mike told me you’re joining Hellfire tonight?”

“Mike needs to shut his mouth”

“Well are you?”

“…..maybe. Would it be bad if I was”

“I mean y/n I wouldn’t say it’s bad but it is social suicide”

“It’s one session as a favor Nance and even if I was becoming an official hellfire member I mean would it be so bad?”

“Not really I was just confused to hear that you were joining them. Do you even know how to play”

“Let’s just say I had a very wise teacher. Anyways enough about me what are you up to tonight?”

“Oh not much just going on a date with Johnathan after he drops Will off at Hellfire”

“Well that’s cute I hope you two have a good time. I’ll make sure to let you know if decide to officially join the school cult Nance. I gotta start getting ready to go but I’ll talk to you tomorrow okay?”

“Alright just try not to become a social piranha talk to you tomorrow”

You get ready in a t-shirt and jeans making sure to add your wallet chain and put on your special big combat boots. And you got in your truck and went to pick up the kids. When you got to Erica’s, Erica told you Lucas was already at the school cause he’d had practice. You arrive at the school and head to the theatre room with character sheets and the D&D binder Will had made you in hand. As you followed into the theatre room you took a moment to appreciate the setup of the room. Clearly Munson puts a lot of time and effort into this and you had to give him props for that.

Your eyes dart to him across the room as he sits on his throne with a nerd on both sides like guards. His eyes scan across you and Dustin and Mike. His eyes land on Erica and he finally speaks.

“Absolutely not”.

“You asked for new members and we delivered new members” Dustin says confidently gesturing towards you and Erica.

“This is Hellfire club. Not babysitting club”

Eddie says leaning forward eyes still focused on Erica. For a second you think about stepping in and putting him in his place but you know better. You know Erica and you know she’s ready to defend herself.

“I’m 11 you long-haired freak” Erica spits out at him.

At this Eddie smiles and stands. “My my. The child speaks. So what’s your name, child?”

“Erica Sinclair” Erica says confidently.

Refusing to back down in any way as Eddie walks closer to the two of you.

“So this is Sinclair’s infamous sister” Eddie says through a slight chuckle while looking over at Lucas who appears stunned to not only see Erica there but to see her so confident when confronted with Eddie.

“What’s your class and level? Level one dwarf” Eddie says obviously trying to intimidate Erica. Upon hearing this you know he’s in for a show when you see Erica ready with her comeback.

“My name is Lady Applejack. And I’m a chaotic good half-elf rogue, level 14. I will sneak behind any monster you throw my way and stab them in the back with my poison soaked Kukri and I’ll smile as I watch them die a slow agonizing death. So we gonna do this or we gonna keep chit chatting like this is your mommy’s book club” upon saying this she leaves everyone in the room momentarily stunned including yourself.

Eddie looks around momentarily at the other members and smiles, puts his hand out to Erica and says “Welcome to Hellfire”. You hear Erica release a breath and realize she must have been nervous and just hiding it well. Suddenly Munson turns his attention towards you and gets closer.

“How about you y/L/n? What could you know about playing dungeons and dragons?”

“Well Munson I’m a chaotic neutral rogue tiefling, level 13. I’ll do anything to be loyal to the people I trust whether they’re good or bad and I will not hesitate to slit the throats of anyone who dare to betray me or my party”

Upon hearing this Munson pauses and just holds eye contact with you. He looks genuinely confused to see that you know anything about dungeons and dragons. But as he holds eye contact with you his eyes soften and he reaches out his hand towards you.

“Well then welcome to hellfire y/n”

As the night continues and the cult of Vecna ensues you find you’re enjoying yourself a lot more than you thought you would. Eddie seems to have put together a very fun and enthralling campaign that has everyone just absolutely invested. When the team chants to the death you find yourself really getting into it. And in the team huddle where you all debate on running away you find yourself wanting to continue the fight. You came here to win and you will.

It’s up to you, Erica, and Dustin. You’re all that’s left against Vecna. Dustin rolls and it’s a miss. You’re next and you manage to hit but it’s not enough to defeat Vecna. You all watch with baited breath as Erica rolls and gets a critical hit and wins. You all scream and cheer and huddle around Erica congratulating her on her victory. As the gang calms down and everyone starts packing up to go home there’s a knock at the door of the theatre room and Nancy and Jonathan walk in.

“Will are you ready to go home?” Johnathan asks and will grabs his stuff and walks towards him.

“Hey y/n” Nancy says as she walks in the room and gives you a hug.

“Hey Nance. How was your date?”

“Pretty good. It’s actually still going but obviously had to pick up Will”

As you go to respond suddenly you hear Dustin, Mike, Lucas, and Erica all berating Johnathan for a ride home and you begin to laugh.

“Looks like your date might be on pause for a while” you say as you look at Nancy who looks slightly annoyed.

“Ah being a babysitter never quite ends does it?” She says and you pat her on her shoulder as she makes her way out with Johnathan and the kids. You turn around to grab your stuff noticing you’re now alone in the room with Eddie who is cleaning up by himself.

“You want some help?” You say without really thinking it through. Upon hearing you he looks up surprised to even see you still here.

“Oh uh no really it’s okay I got it thanks” he says this but you start cleaning anyways. Grabbing the trash and snacks left on the table and throwing it away.

“Seriously y/n you don’t have to. You can go home it’s okay” he didn’t sound annoyed that you were helping he just sounded confused.

“It’s okay Eddie I wanna help. Not like I had any better plans tonight”

“Really? No raves or ragers you wanna hit up with Harrington” he says with a smirk looking over at you.

“I’m sure there are some out there but I don’t really uh…do that anymore” you choose not to elaborate on why and silently thank him for not prying.

You two clean up and make small talk as you do. While talking you go to pick up some drink that you assume Dustin left cause it was closest to his seat. As you go to pick it up you drop it and it spills all over your shirt.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT GODDAMIT. I really liked this shirt” you say through somewhat of a pout.

“Yeah I don’t think that one’s coming out. Sorry y/n” he says and he does look like he genuinely feels bad. As you try and wipe the liquid off and at least dry the shirt somewhat you notice Eddie walk over to a box on the ground and start digging through it. He turns around for a second and studies you squinting for a second. He grabs something from the box and walks back over to you.

“Here try this. It’ll at least be dry” he hands you the shirt and you hold it up and look at it. Realizing he handed you a hellfire shirt.

“Woah thanks but you don’t have to give me this I’ll be fine really”

“Eh all hellfire members get one so might as well just give it to you now. Tell me if you need a different size I tried to guess by looking at you but sadly I’m not a wizard”

You walk behind some of the stage curtains and change shirts really fast and walk back out.

“So what do you think” you say getting Eddie’s attention again as he finished putting some figures away. As he turns to look at you he suddenly just stops and freezes looking rather stunned. You feel a bit self conscious

“It looks horrible doesn’t it? I look silly?”

Suddenly Eddie snaps back to reality and registers what you said to him.

“No no no not silly at all sorry you look really great actually” he tears his eyes away from you and continues packing up the figures.

Trying to change the conversation he says “so uh did you have fun tonight?”

“Mmmm not really I had to fight falling asleep a few times” you say in an obviously sarcastic tone. He’d watched you most of the night so even though he asked the question he already knew to an extent that you had a good time. What he really wanted to know is if you’d come back. He was shocked enough to see you, the y/n y/l/n joining his hellfire club for the night. But he was even more surprised to actually watch you play. You could be at any party across town right now so why are you here cleaning up with him?

“Ah you wound me y/l/n”he says putting his hand to his chest and falling back as if he’s been hit. The action gets a laugh out of you just as he’d hoped.

“I actually had an amazing time tonight. I must say you put a lot of word into this Munson. It was really fun” for some reason you get embarrassed admitting this to him and don’t look at him as you say it.

“So you had fun? Does that mean you might join the party on its next adventure” he says walking much closer to you.

“You know what Munson. I just might”.

You two finish cleaning up the theatre room and head out to the parking lot and you watch him get in his van as you get into your truck. As you try to start it all you hear is some sad attempts at a start up.

“Come on you gotta be shitting me” you whack the steering wheel a few times and hit the dash and nothing. It’s late and you know you won’t be able to get it towed until morning so you decide to just walk home. Sure you live a few miles across town but you’ve walked further and at least it’s not raining this time. So you get out of your truck and begin to walk when you hear Eddie call to you from his Van across the lot.

“CAR TROUBLE?” You hear him yell at you.

“YEAH A LITTLE BIT” you yell back and he drives over to you. Parks his van and hops out.

“Pop the hood for me” Eddie says as he walks towards the front of your truck. You do as he says cause I mean really you don’t know anything about cars and as much as you’re able to walk home let’s face it you’d prefer not to.

“Yeah looks like your battery is dead. You leave your headlights on or something?”

“Ugh god I probably forgot to turn them off when I got here goddamnit” you sigh as you kick some dirt around.

“I would give your car a jump start but I didn’t bring any jumper cables” Eddie says scratching the back of his head as he looks at you.

“Well thanks anyways Eddie really I mean it. At least I know what the problem is now and I’ll just have to get a battery tomorrow morning and come back” as you say this you start walking away from him and he looks confused so he starts walking with you.

“That’s cool but uh where you goin?” He says once he’s caught up with you.

“Well I was gonna go home?” You say giggling at him. And he just looks even more confused.

“You know I’ve got that van over there right? With the working battery? That can drive people from one location to another? I mean unless you’d prefer to walk home or just don’t wanna be alone in a car the the freak…” his voice was kind of quiet upon saying the last sentence and you stopped suddenly feeling bad.

“Oh god no Eddie that’s not it at all I just didn’t wanna intrude or assume that you’d give me a ride” you made sure to look him in the eyes to make sure he knew you meant it. You weren’t sure why but you needed him to know you didn’t think that of him. He smiled and the two of you walked back to his van and you told him your address so he could drive you home. Turns out you two don’t live too far from each other. Not even a full mile away. And on the drive home you two actually bonded over some of his music taste.

“I’m surprised y/n your music taste isn’t nearly as bad as I would have thought” Eddie said laughing at you as you flicked through some of his cassettes. You playfully punches him on the arm and turned looking around his van. It was pretty cool. A little messy but it fit the grunge aesthetic of it. And he saw you looking around and he suddenly said “yeah sorry I wasn’t really expecting company otherwise I’d have cleaned up a bit”

“It’s fine really. It’s actually kinda…cool in here”

“Oh if you think it’s cool in here you should see the back of it” upon saying this he realized how suggestive it sounded and looked at you to find you staring with a raised eyebrow. You knew what he meant but you also knew how it sounded.

“Shit sorry I-I didn’t mean like we would..I just meant I have like music and stuff back there shit” upon his obviously flustered response you just laugh

“It’s fine Eddie I know what you mean. When we get to my house can I actually see the back though? Just for a second?” He agreed and when you reached your house you both got out and made your way to the back side of the van and he slid the door open. Sure you could see it from the passenger seat but now you can actually look around. There was plenty of music back here and even some posters. You recognized the setup immediately though. Any stoner would. This is the part of the van where you sit and just get high for hours.

“Well I bet you’ve had plenty of fun trips back here” you say putting a lot of emphasis on the word “trip” knowing if you were right he would get what you mean.

“Oh sweetheart you have nooooo idea” he said confidently. He knew what you meant. He may not have known you well but he knew who you used to hangout with and he knew you probably had your own fair share of trips.

“You know sweetheart we could take a trip now” he said reaching in the van and grabbing out a little bag. Upon seeing the bag you smiled and nodded and the two of you climbed in the back of the van and closed the door. The two of you proceeded to get high and giggle and listen to music for the rest of the night until you were awoken by the sunlight hitting your face.

You finally fully open your eyes and adjust to find yourself right next to Eddie. So close you bet he could feel your breath. He was asleep on his back and you were on your side facing him. For some reason you couldn’t help but admire him. He just looked so handsome? Suddenly it hit you how odd all this was. I mean you practically met the guy yesterday and now you’re asleep next to him in his van after getting high all night? Yet somehow this all didn’t bug you that much.

Yet you decided to wake him up anyways as gently as possible by rocking his arm. As you see his eyes slowly start to flutter awake you whisper

“Eddie it’s y/n we fell asleep in your van” at this Eddie’s eyes fully open and he slowly sits up.

“Yeah it appears we did” he says in a very husky voice clearly full of sleep yet he has a smile. He checks the time on his watch and then simply says “so you ready to go”. Confused, you just look at him with knitted eyebrows and he can’t help but think about how adorable you look every time you get confused.

“Well we’re gonna go get you a new car battery and get your truck working” once his words register with you, you’re very quick to try and reject his kind acts.

“Oh Eddie really really you don’t have to you’ve done enough. I mean you drove me home and even let me smoke from your stash I mean that’s plenty” as you said this Eddie is already making his way to the drivers seat clearly not caring about what you just said.

“So you comin or not?” Upon him saying this you just climb over the chair into the passenger seat.

You’re actually so lucky Eddie did this for you. Your original plan was going to be to call Steve to help you, but as much as Steve loves to be the knight in shining armor of the group. Steve knows very little about cars besides how to drive one. So having Eddie with you to help pick out the battery was a godsend. What shocked you was when he actually tried to pay for it. Upon which you refused adamantly but in return he made you promise to let him install it in the Hawkins high parking lot instead of taking it to some mechanic who would charge and arm and a leg for it and neither of you were backing down so you agreed.

You guys got the battery and he drove to the school parking lot and got to installing your new battery. You have to admit watching him work on your truck was very intriguing to put it tamely. He had his hair up and his tattoos were all on display and you couldn’t help but almost drool. What was going on with you and this guy I mean Jesus you couldn’t look away from him. You watched intensely through the whole process and managed to not learn a single thing.

“Thank you again so much for all of this Eddie. I mean playing through your epic campaign was cool enough but all the shit you’ve done for me in the last few hours I must say you’re pretty cool Munson” Eddie was done fixing your truck and you two were saying goodbye in the parking lot. For some reason Eddie didn’t wanna say goodbye. He wanted to find any reason or excuse to keep hanging out with you and ensure that this wouldn’t be a final goodbye.

“Yeah no problem I actually had a lot of fun with you too” he said looking in your eyes as he walked towards the open drivers side door of your truck that you were now leaning against.

You held eye contact for a second before turning around and grabbing a pen and tearing a piece of paper from your character sheet and you wrote your phone number on it and handed it to him.

“you know incase you ever wanna take a trip together again…we can use my stash next time I promise. I gotta get home though but I’ll see you Monday alright”

He was too stunned to speak at this as he watched you get in your truck and drive home. He got in his truck and went home and made sure to keep your number in a safe place. He knew he’d take you up on your offer he just wasn’t sure when. He didn’t want to appear desperate. But the thing that kept a smile on his face was the fact that you said you’d see him Monday.

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fanfic #stranger things #stranger things 4 #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fluff #stranger things x y/n #stranger things x reader #eddie stranger things #fanfiction #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fluff #eddie munson x y/n

[magentagalaxies]

ok i just got back from watching the movie "bottoms" in theaters (first movie i've seen in a theater since everything everywhere all at once last year i think?) and HOLY SHIT IT IS SO GOOD EVERYONE GO SEE IT!!!!!!!!

i deadass want to get tickets to see it again as soon as possible it was SO FUCKING FUN i want to write a whole essay on it!!!!!

bottoms is honestly what i wish barbie had been. like yes barbie is also great for a lot of reasons but oh my god bottoms takes so many things barbie did in its campy-feminist-satire and takes them even further, and so many of my biggest grievances with barbie aren't present in bottoms at all. ik i shouldn't pit two bad bitches against each other but like. idk for as much as barbie is lauded as exploring the "universal experiences of growing up female" it just makes me feel more alienated, vs bottoms is sure as hell not universal and sure i've never accidentally started a homoerotic fight club at my high school but in its specificity i was like holy shit i finally feel seen

especially since bottoms finally gives us the "unpopular gay teens whose unpopularity has nothing to do with them being gay, they're just freaks in so many other ways" representation we DESERVE. i'm never gonna have a "love, simon" or "heartstopper" romance but DAMN IT i'm relating to these characters all throughout my high school memories and even to this day

also this movie does such a good job with its tone. bc like. personally high school movies always feel kind of weird to me bc i'm always like. maybe it's because i didn't go to one of your standard all-american public high schools but it never feels real and especially when the plot revolves around being a sex-comedy i'm like. ik that's some people's experience but very often the high school setting feels kind of incidental. vs bottoms isn't TRYING to be realistic! these characters are more akin to college students than high schoolers, but the high school tropes are made so over-the-top that it's clear why this has to be a high school story. it's campy, it's fun, it's for the freaks

idk if i've mentioned it on here before but my favorite book of all time is "beauty queens" by libba bray. it's a fun feminist satire based loosely on lord of the flies in which a plane full of teen beauty pageant contestants crashes on a seemingly-deserted island and the girls are forced to fend for themselves, and without spoiling it there's also great satirization of capitalism, performative activism, the entertainment industry, etc. i first read that book when i was fourteen and i haven't found any other piece of media that makes me feel the same way until i was sitting in that theater today. go see bottoms. it's such a fun time

#ngl i was a bit nervous going in bc i purposefully avoided reading anything about the plot or any details #and the marketing made me feel a bit pandered-to so i was so worried it was going to feel inauthentic #but oh i'm so glad i went. i was gonna go see this and try to finally see barbie in theaters this weekend #but honestly i think i might just see bottoms twice

[starships-barships]

Unseen| Chapter Four

(Josh x Fem!Reader/Plus size reader)

<-chapter three

Word Count: 2586

**Warnings-Minors DNI- Mentions of insecurities and anxiety, negative self talk & language, sexual implications, eating, mentions of religion(kinda), If I am missing any please let me know.**

Authors note: I do not know Josh, Jake, Sam, or Danny personally. This is purely a work of fiction. Reader is plus size and is going through the motions, and if that's not your thing..oh well. It's a sloooowww start, but we get smutty in the next one. If you see an error, no you didn't.

When you finally made it home the weight of everything came crashing down on you. You weren’t sure what all of this meant and you weren’t entirely sure if it was real or not. Part of you wanted to believe you’d had an accident and landed yourself in a coma leaving your brain to occupy itself and this is what it came up with. 

But with Josh’s scent still lingering on your skin, you knew it was real and wanted nothing more than to relish in this new feeling, but you’d have to wait, the sound of your phone bringing you out of your daze. 

9:00am 

Michelle: Be there in 5 

You: I’ll be in the shower 

Just as you step under the warm water someone walks in the bathroom and sits on the closed seat next to the shower. You poke your head out to see which of them made it here first. You see Kati beaming back at you. You resume your shower without acknowledging her. Opting to wait until both of them have arrived to go over the happenings of the last 12 hours. 

When you close your eyes you can see him standing in front of you. The new morning light adds fire to his deep brown eyes. The way his hair formed a halo in that same light. His lips are still slightly swollen from their run in with yours, and his cheeks are the lightest shade of pink. The warm water trickling down your back feels like the ghosts of his fingertips that had  lazily rubbed circles there. The pieces of you that you usually avoided felt full in a different way this morning. 

You didn’t realize you were smiling, lost in your own daydream, when you heard a voice pull you back.

“Hellloo, earth to Y/N” 

You open your eyes to see Michelle has opened the curtain slightly and you shift to hide yourself. 

“Jesus Christ! What if I was… ya know?!” You fuss as you fight to close the curtain back. 

“Yeah, yeah. Surprised you weren’t to be honest.” She snarks back 

You open the curtain just enough to shoot her a middle finger. 

“Saving for later!” She proclaims, pretending to pocket it before lifting herself to take a seat by the sink. 

For a moment you’d almost forgotten, but it comes rushing back to you. You’re not the one with a story to tell. 

“Spill it!” You blurt out. 

You can’t see her, but you can hear the ear-to-ear smile she’s wearing. 

“I, uhhh, had fun..” her words not giving much detail. 

“Oh, come onnnn… You end the night with two insanely hot men and we get you ‘had fun’?!” Kati eggs her on, drawing her words out to mock her. 

“Well, you ‘had fun’ too ma’am!” You hit back towards Kati, opening the shower curtain to give her a knowing look. “How a saint like me got wrapped up with the two of you, I’ll never know” Your words are laced with love and sarcasm. 

“Saint my ass.. Even Jesus loved the wicked” Michelle scoffed back at you eliciting laughter from the three of you. 

Still reeling from her last comment you add “Tickets to hell booked, might as well make it first class… It was both, right? As in two?” You try to pull the information from her. You resume rinsing the conditioner from your hair. 

“At the same time?” Kati shakes her head in disbelief. 

“At the same damn time!” Michelle quips. 

Grabbing your towel and covering yourself with it you step out of the shower and ask “How? …Not like howww..” you motion your hands over your body, “But like, how’d it come about?” You finish wrapping a second towel around your hair. 

“What can I say? They have the same taste and I was in a giving mood” Michelle shrugs. Her eyes are clouded with the thoughts of last night. 

“No but like, did it just happen or were you asked or did you ask them? Details. Now.” You demand. 

“Jake made the first move, but I caught them both looking at me all night, so when me and Jake went to pay the check and Danny went with us I just had a feeling… so I asked” She informs you. 

“Anndd? What else?” You pry. 

“And they laughed,” She adds with a chuckle. “They told me if I was open to it then so were they” 

“Is it normal for them or something?” Kati asks. 

“’Normal’ is a fallacy and I’ve never been one to follow social constructs anyway” Michelle sighs into the answer, leaning back on the mirror as she continues “We discussed everything and went over what we were comfortable with before anything progressed. Absolute gentlemen. 10/10 will do it again” she giggles to herself. 

“That’s it? That’s all we get?” You feign hurt. 

“I mean I can tell you all about how Danny’s mouth worshipped between my thighs or how Jake played me like his Gibson or how we..” 

You wave your hand cutting her off  “Aht, respectfully, no. I only need to know… was it good?” 

“Euphoric..” Her smile widens as she reminisces. 

“Once or twice?” Kati’s brow raises at Michelle. 

“I lost count..” Michelle says pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. 

You and Kati’s mouths drop in unison. 

“Enough about me. What about lover girl over here? On the beach?!” Michelle turns her attention to Kati. 

“No one saw!” Kati proclaims. “It just felt right. He’s so funny, and thoughtful. He just feels so.. so free” she sighs sweetly. 

“Well, I hope you didn’t have to pay for it” You retorted in laughter. 

She playfully slaps your arm “that’s not what I..” 

“I know, I know.. you’re officially a Sammy girl” you teasingly bat your lashes at her. 

“And what about our Joshyyy girl” She mimics Sam from this morning when he too made fun of the nickname that fell from your lips. 

“We just kissed..” your eyes linger on your lips in the mirror. You sit down on the stool you’d placed in front of the sink, starting your routine of washing your face. 

“You were in your head all night. How’d he get you out of it?” Michelle asks, sounding genuinely curious. 

“He didn’t..” your eyes fall. “I mean, he’s perfect and I hate that my brain tries to ruin it for me, but I don’t know. It wasn’t until he just went for it that the little voice finally shut the fuck up.” 

“You should’ve been there..” Kati adds towards Michelle “I could’ve cried at how sweet it was” 

“You four were together?!” Michelle exclaims. 

“NO!” You state boldly with a laugh. “Me and Josh were innocent. They were down a bit out of sight, thank god.” 

“Some people would pay good money to see what you were so close to last night” Kati replies, not looking up from her phone. You can tell she’s focused on something. She looks up at Michelle with a warning in her eye. Michelle picks up on it and pulls her phone from her back pocket. She scrolls quickly and types out a few things, and then takes your phone off the counter, moving it out of your reach.

“What is it?” You say. You can feel your heart rate increase. They never tried to hide anything from you before. 

“Nothing just assholes being assholes..” Michelle responds with a sigh, moving down off the counter. She stands behind you and looks at you in the mirror. “You’re beautiful.”

Her words only add to the anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach. “What do you mean?” You shift to grab your phone from her hand. 

She moves quickly and uses her forefinger and thumb to force you to look back and up at her. “Promise me you won’t freak out.” 

You nod your head in agreement. 

“No, promise me..” She repeats. 

“I promise, okay? Just give me the damn phone.” You say with a half laugh trying to mask the feelings bubbling in your throat. 

She hands you your phone and kneels beside you. You don’t notice anything out of the ordinary at first, but when you open Twitter you wish you hadn’t. Staring back at you was a seemingly innocent picture of you and Josh walking the boardwalk only a few hours ago. What wasn’t so innocent was the comments that littered the post. No no no no. Please don’t. 

Slut. Pity fuck. Fatass. Disgusting. Cow. He could do better. 

The words repeated and played off each other. None of them are unique, but they cut through you just the same. You feel the tears swelling in your eyes as you scroll; your heart feels like it’s being ripped from the confinement of your chest. Michelle removes your phone from your hands and takes them into her own. 

“It’s okay… breathe.. they don’t know you.” She reassures you. The pads of her thumbs rubbing the back of your hand. 

“I should’ve known..” a sob escapes you. “I..I’ll never be..” you can’t seem to form the words. You’re trying to catch your breath between sobs. 

Kati and Michelle surround you, wrapping you tightly in their arms, rubbing your back and supplying you with a round of compliments to ease your wounds. 

“Fuck them!” Michelle lets out. “They’re just jealous. Look at you. You’re fucking gorgeous! If he didn’t want to be seen with you he wouldn’t be.” 

“That’s just it. I don’t WANT to be seen. I didn’t want him to see me when they walked in and I definitely don’t want all of them to see me now” You manage to get out despite your tears still hot  on your cheeks. 

“But he does see you..” Kati says, taking your face in her hands. “And if he didn’t like what he sees we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now” 

You stare up at her blankly, letting her words soak in. “I’ll probably never even see him again.” You say lightly.

Michelles phone buzzes. 

“Actually, you will. We’re having drinks in about.. 8 hours.” She looks up from her phone to gauge your reaction. 

“What?! I can’t see him again! Not after..” you say motioning towards your phone. “I doubt he’d even want to now..” You grab your robe and throw it on haphazardly and make a dash for your bed. As soon as your head hits the pillow Michelle is behind you wrapping her arm around you. Kati follows suit and lays at the foot of the bed propping her head up on her hand to keep her eyes on you. 

They remain quiet as your silent sobs fill the room. You don’t know when exactly Michelle started playing your favorite comfort show and you don’t notice when your attention moves from your dismay to the screen on the wall in front of you. Michelle shifts to begin rubbing your back and the stillness of the room mixed with your clouded emotions have you fighting off sleep. 

“You don’t have to go..” were the last words you heard. 

When your eyes open it takes them a moment to adjust to the light, but once they do you look at your phone. The time reads 4:05pm  You’re alone in your room but you can hear your friends in the kitchen. You’re still in your robe and tears have dried to your cheeks when you make your way out to them. 

“You need to eat.” Kati says as she slides a plate your way on the island. 

You wince at the thought of eating, the comments from earlier circling in your head. 

“Eat.” Michelle repeats Kati’s suggestion. 

They had lovingly made you a pb&j with apple slices on the side. The sandwich was cut into the shape of a heart. You give them a small smile when you notice it. 

They talk between the two of them, letting you have a moment in your thoughts. You can hear them being hushed about their plans for later tonight, and without warning something pangs your heart. 

You set your sandwich down and exit the kitchen quickly. Your two friends follow behind you. They find you sitting in front of your mirror once more. You’re frantically washing the tears from your face. 

“Babe?” Michelle takes a step towards you, looking back at Kati, worried you’ve finally lost it.  

“I’m going tonight..” you say turning to face her. 

She kneels to your level. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to..” 

“No, I’m going. I don’t care if everything in me says not to go.. I’m going.” You assert. 

“That’s it then. We’re going!” She says, standing and spinning on her heel back towards your bedroom. Her and Kati share a confused look. 

“We’ll be back here at about 5:45. Be ready!” Kati calls out over her shoulder once they reach your front door. 

With that you were left to yourself, staring at your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes start to pick you apart. The blemishes on your skin, the way your breasts sit lower than you think they should, the stretch marks that outline your hips and stomach. Stop. 

You take a deep breath. If they want a show… They got one. 

You spend extra time making sure your makeup is flawless. Your contour is blended effortlessly and your wings are sharp. The light color shadow on your lids add just the right amount of depth. You left your lips bare with the notion that lipstick would only get ruined later if you have it your way. You run your fingers through your hair tousling it just enough to frame your face. 

Heading for your closet you know exactly what you’re wearing. It’s an ensemble you had impulse bought and never got around to wearing. You never felt confident enough to do so. But tonight.. Tonight I’ll do it even if it kills me. 

You pull the lace bodysuit over your head and adjust it down your body until the clasps are between your thighs. The black fabric is see through leaving everything exposed except your breasts, which are cupped perfectly from the wire underneath. The different patterns in the lace create lines that silhouette the natural curve of your waist. Next, you pull on the skin tight jeans that have perfectly placed holes on the thighs, and sit high above your hips. They hug your curves and accentuate all the right places. You’re not even bothered by the way you can still see where your stomach sits below. Black boots that end just above your ankle finish your look. You grab a flannel long sleeve as a comfort, deciding you could just remove it later and tie it around your waist without compromising your outfit. 

You’re going over your completed look in the mirror and your mind is still trying to belittle you, but before you can talk yourself into changing, you hear someone come through your front door. Glancing at your phone you can see it’s 5:40pm. Shaking the negative thoughts from your head once more, you make your way towards your living room to greet your friends. 

They both whistle at you, so you do a little spin to play along. 

“For someone who doesn’t want to be seen you sure know how to turn heads..” Kati bantered. 

“Let them look!” You declare, making your exit and closing the door behind you three.

chapter five ->

#josh kiszka x reader #josh kiszka series #josh gvf #gvf series #jake gvf #danny gvf #sam gvf #greta van fleet fluff #gvf fic #x plus size reader #greta van fleet fic

[pickledpascal]

New Perspective

Chapter Thirteen: Pomp and Circumstance

Warnings: HEAVY on the transphobia for this one, deadnaming, getting drunk to cope, otherwise pretty fluffy

Word Count: 4.9k

New Perspective Masterlist

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Avery felt as if she was on the cusp of something. Something great. But she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it was.

The short novel she wrote for one of her previous classes was turned in with forty thousand words but then she kept working on it afterward. Refining it. Adding to it. Changing around a few things. Then Avery realized the paper would make for a great biography rather than just a story. Avery was glad she had kept quite a few journals since she was ten. She had Jensen read it to make sure that’s what she wanted to do and he agreed, after he cried a few times. He had known bits of Avery’s pre-transition life but nothing to the extent of what happened in the story. What she had to go through to become the woman she was. 

“You really should publish this,” Jensen said softly. “I think it’d also be nice to have a physical copy.” He hated reading stuff longer than a page on his phone. 

Avery squirmed under the prospect of publishing a book. Especially so young. What if it flopped? She knew her friends would buy it and a lot of trans people likely would too but that wasn’t enough to make a profit. Or maybe she was just making up excuses in her mind so she wouldn’t have to risk feeling like a failure. 

So she sent the paper to her brother. Jacob was good at giving unadulterated, truthful feedback. Critical, a bit mean sometimes, but needed.

“It’s written beautifully. I cried near the beginning.” Avery was shocked. Jacob never cried. Well, he cried sometimes. But not at movies and certainly not books. “Jensen might be onto something. It is a niche but I think more people need to see this. More people need to see themselves.”

With the affirmation of her brother, Avery published it. All by herself. Perhaps with a little help from Jensen. Under the name of “To My Ten-Year-Old Self.” The book cover wasn’t anything fancy, an art piece Avery did of a flower in a vase with a few petals missing. 

Excerpt from To My Ten-Year-Old Self:

I discovered Supernatural when I was fifteen. I was starting to fully understand what I was feeling around the same time, I think that’s part of the reason I latched onto Dean so much. Latched onto Jensen. I related to his character too much. The overwhelming need to please my parents, conform to what they wanted that I got so convinced it was me. But it never was. Seeing a character parallel so well with my experiences opened my eyes. 

I got my brother to smuggle me HRT a few months into watching the show. I was on the current season by then, season twelve. 

My parents hadn’t even noticed. Not for a while. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or disappointed. I was basically taking illegal drugs. Or, that’s what I was doing in their eyes. In mine, I needed them to live my life truthfully. Without it, I’m not sure my life would have ended but it certainly wouldn’t have been good for me. 

As I got older, my love for Supernatural began to dwindle bit by bit. I was living my truth and I didn’t need to have Dean in my life as much. But there was one thing on my bucket list that I had been wanting to do for a while. For my 21st birthday, I had wanted to go to Jensen Ackles’ brewery—Family Business Beer Company for the uninitiated—and I had the chance to, so I did. With some friends, because I’m not insane enough to go alone. 

My birthday is in the summer, late June, so the Texas heat was scorching and uncomfortable when we went. 

I had only ever dreamed of meeting Jensen. I had no money to buy con tickets since I was—and at the time of writing this, still am—a broke college student, I’m not an actress so there was no fucking way I’d meet him for free because we were cast in the same show, it was a snowball’s chance in Hell that Jensen was at the brewery on some random Tuesday where there wasn’t an event going on, and I lived in South Carolina. Famous people didn’t go to South Carolina all willy-nilly. My South Carolina native friends will be the first to admit this state is a Hell Hole. 

But then I did meet him. And I was on the verge of wanting to thank him for putting his all into a character that meant so much to me.

And then he asked me out later. I couldn’t believe it.

“I’m bisexual.” I had said. My defense mechanism. Jensen, for all intesnive purposes, was a straight man. A straight man who, to my knowledge, had never and would never date a queer woman. 

The number of times in my life where being bisexual was the dealbreaker and not the fact that I was trans was depressingly hilarious. You would think it was the other way around.

“That’s okay.” Jensen responded. He didn’t care. 

And I know that because he’s in the same room as I am while I’m writing this. 

The book was published a few days before Avery graduated and she was pleasantly surprised by its sales. She blamed it in part by Misha promoting it on his Instagram. And Jensen. And Felicia. And nearly every other cast member of Supernatural besides Jared. Avery didn’t ask any of them to do that, it sort of just happened. Jensen likely had something to do with it. 

Avery sat in a horribly uncomfortable plastic chair in the middle of May in her cap and gown. She waved to her friends who were in different rows than her and then looked up at the stage. She got a good laugh at how Jensen looked in his mandatory gown. It looked way too large on him. 

Jacob: I'm here. Which row are you in again?

Avery took out her phone and checked it, humming slightly as she counted. Jacob would likely be on her right side near the middle. 

avery: three rows from the stage, im near the end on the right if you're looking straight-on at the stage

Jacob: Alright.

Sometimes Avery wondered how her brother was in the same generation as her. He texted like a millennial. She put her phone away and looked up at the stage as the president of the university came up to speak. Some generic speech about perseverance and how the world is their oyster that Avery didn't pay much attention to. And neither did a lot of her peers. They just wanted their degrees and be done with it. 

But then they invited Jensen up to speak. Avery straightened her back as she looked up at him. He easily found her in a sea of red caps and gowns and smiled. Avery could tell there was nervousness bubbling up inside him. He had to talk to a couple hundred students, some of whom probably didn't know who he was. 

"Hi." Jensen addressed the whole class. "When I was asked to be your guest speaker, I was pretty shocked. I mean, I've been doing the same exact thing for the past fifteen or so years so not that exciting." That got him a few laughs. Just as he wanted. "But I have learned a lot in those fifteen years. So why don't I tell you? Maybe you'll take it to heart. Or not. Up to you." Jensen took a deep breath and glanced at Avery for support. She gave him two thumbs up.

"Your life, it ain't always going to be pretty. You will fall, you will go down the wrong path, you'll get so drunk you forget your last name, you'll hate everything and everyone around you, you'll make that call to your ex." Jensen pursed his lips as he grabbed the sides of the podium. "You'll fall in love. You'll become a better person. Be successful. Make friends that will be there for you at your lowest. Have times when you feel like you're on top of the world. And maybe you are. But you will fail far more than you succeed." He smiled softly. "That's not a bad thing. Hopefully, that means you'll learn from it and get better at navigating the game of life. It's all about how you bounce back. Will you get ground to dust? Or will the pressure turn you into a diamond? I hope the diamond. But it all depends on you."

Jensen glanced down at his printed-out speech. That was where it ended. But he had more to say. Something he felt like needed to be said. He glanced at Avery and took a breath. "I hope that, as you grow, you will not compromise who you are for anyone. For most of you, this is where your college journey ends, and you will become adults with real jobs. You're young but you are not a child anymore. Meaning that your parents have no control of you. You'll live in different places and not have to see them more than you want to. And for some, that's scary. For others, that means freedom. Freedom from expectations. The freedom to be who you truly are. Become who you've always wanted to become. That's exciting, isn't it?" He returned to his seat as a swell of applause started.

Avery bit the inside of her cheek, smiling softly as she clapped. Probably the loudest and most enthusiastic. She knew this day was mostly about celebrating her and her friends but something inside her made her proud of Jensen. His speech was heartfelt and hit her deeply. Even after the fifty or so times he practiced it with her. But this time it felt different. Had a different weight to it. Maybe because it was the real thing.

Then the president started calling names of graduates. Avery was glad she was near the front but she didn't want to leave without Jensen so she'd stay with her brother until the precession ended. 

When Elena's name was called, Avery cheered loudly as well as a few of her other friends. She grabbed her diploma and shook hands with the president. Then Jensen. As she walked off the stage, Avery noticed he had to push his hand into his pocket. Her eyebrows furrowed. Elena must have given him something. 

"Avery Cairo, Bachelor of Arts in English." 

She stood from her chair and walked down the line to get onstage. She took her diploma from the President and shook his hand then quickly did the same with Jensen. He gave her a warm smile. The kind of smile that was only reserved for her. She met Elena off the field and hugged her.

Elena vibrated with excitement. "We're free!" She nearly yelled. "Well, I am. Not you." She teased as she wrapped an arm around Avery's shoulder. Which was hard since she needed to reach so high. Avery ended up hunching her back. 

"Yeah, well… I think being Dr. Cairo sounds cool." Avery smiled as they walked into the stadium. Elena's parents were waiting for her, as well as her boyfriend. Avery waved a quick hello and left to go find her brother. Elena's parents weren't the greatest… Thankfully they had no idea she was trans. 

avery: im in the stadium

Jacob: I'm on the way in

Avery hummed as she leaned against a wall, watching different graduates find their parents. They got hugs, flowers, and words of affirmation. A part of her knew she would have wanted that a year or two ago. Not so much anymore. She had Jensen. Her brother was trying. And her friends would always be there for her. 

"There you are!" A familiar voice. Not the one Avery expected. Misha stood with a bouquet of different colored roses and offered them to her. "Jensen got these for you. Well, I bought them with his money." He winked.

Avery took the flowers from him. Speechless. She looked from the flowers to Misha. "Why are you here?" She asked. It was the only thing she could muster. She hadn't invited him. Jensen probably did. And she didn't give him any tickets. But then again, the people at the gates could care less about checking tickets. 

"Jensen told me to." Misha shrugged. "He didn't tell me to. But I think he thought it'd be nice to have someone else wait with you." He nudged Avery with a sly smile. "He really likes you, y'know?"

Avery nodded, feeling her heart swell. Her lips formed into an easy smile. "I know." 

Something inside Avery made her think Misha was like Jensen's Elena. The friend he could say anything and everything to and they'd be immediately understanding of it. And vice versa. 

She brought the flowers to her nose and took a deep breath. They smelled amazing. Misha had good taste in flowers and how to pick them. 

"Who's that?" Jacob asked with a furrowed brow once he met Avery. He looked at Misha, skeptical. 

Jacob may have known Jensen, but that's only because Avery could not shut up about him when they were younger. Misha, not so much. He caught her watching Supernatural in passing and wouldn't recognize him outside seeing his character in the show. 

Misha held out his hand and offered Jacob a smile. "Jensen's—and now Avery's—bestie. Dmitri." He said with a straight face.

Jacob shook his hand as Avery glared at Misha. "It's Misha. Dmitri is his given name but he goes by Misha." She clarified. Jacob was still confused. 

He shook his head and then focused on Avery. "Are all your friends weird?" 

"Yeah, pretty much." Avery admitted with a fond smile. Mercer could blanket himself as normal far better than others but he was still plenty weird. Jensen was similar, but more willing to show his weirdness to the entire world than Mercer. 

Misha was able to make an easy conversation with Jacob. They talked about houses, specifically how Misha built his own as well as some furniture pieces. Avery just listened, finding it fascinating. On the surface, Misha was just some guy. Someone she'd probably see at a mall or grocery store and not think twice about if she hadn't seen the show. But he was a carpenter, a charity organizer, an actor—a damned good one by Avery's accounts—and a pretty funny guy. Personable. He could make friends with almost anyone. Being friends with Jacob was like a piece of cake. 

The actor was in the middle of showing a few pieces of furniture he recently made to Jacob while Avery saw something out of the corner of her eyes. Their parents. 

And they were making a B-line towards them. 

"Jacob!" Avery hissed, gripping his arm. "You didn't tell them about this did you?" Even if he did, she wasn't sure why they'd want to come. They had cut contact with her completely for a reason. 

Jacob's eyes shifted to their parents and shook his head. "I may have mentioned it but I never said when." He admitted in a hushed voice. 

"Who're we talking about here?" Misha asked, confused. Avery had hinted at her bad relationship with her parents to Misha but nothing more. 

"Hello." The familiar sound of her mother's voice. Sweet, but too sweet. 

Avery straightened her back. She promised herself she'd be strong if she ever saw them again. Three years was not enough time to completely get over what she went through all because of her parents. 

"What, no hello?" Her father asked. He looked Avery up and down. She could see the disgust in his eyes. 

Avery pursed her lips, resisting the urge to start yelling at them. But she was in public. Surrounded by other people who were happy, excited even. And Avery was. For a few minutes. "You don't deserve one." She was surprised at how even her voice sounded. She didn't feel calm or collected. "Why are you here?"

"We paid for this, I think we deserve to be here." Her mother stated, narrowing her eyes at Avery. "And we wanted to see what you've become. Just look at yourself. Why don't you come home, J–"

Jacob grunted. "Don't say that." Avery was astonished. The audacity of her parents was unmatched. 

"You're paying for nothing." Jensen said with a tight smile. 

He was freed a few minutes ago from the stage and promptly threw his robes off. Underneath, he wore a crisp navy blue suit and a matching tie. Jensen looked for Avery and found her, talking to people he didn't recognize but she looked irritated. He caught a few words from their conversation as he got closer. It was her parents.

Avery's father looked at Jensen. He didn't recognize him at all—her mother did—but he could tell he was far older than Avery. And by the way Jensen's hand was around her waist, he had an inkling of the nature of their relationship. "So you're a hooker now?"

Avery let out a breath through her nose. Jacob was gearing up to defend her while Jensen stepped closer to her father. His jaw was clenched as were his fists. He was in protective mode. "You are a sorry excuse for a father. All of your children have moved miles away from you. To get away from you. Doesn't that say something? About who you are? I'm sorry you can't see that your daughter is happy. Happier with me than she ever would have been staying with you. Not to mention, far more successful too." Jensen looked at the older man carefully, thinking about how easy it would be to kill him. Just for a second. 

Her father's gaze wavered for a second. He wasn't scared… perhaps ill at ease. "My son is delusional. So are you. You like taking it up the ass, huh? Is that why he's got you wrapped around his finger?" Her mother gasped behind her, mainly at the mention of sex. 

Jensen let out a dry laugh. "Yeah. And?" He cocked an eyebrow. Her father didn't have a response to that. "My wife has given me the time of my life on more than one occasion,"

"Did you two get married without telling me?" Misha asked Avery in a whisper. She shook her head, also confused. 

"So I think you should shut the fuck up. And never talk to Avery again." Jensen finished with a small huff of air. He glanced from her father to her mother.

Her father backed down while her mother did not. "You don't understand. You are feeding into his delusion. There's something wrong in his head. Biologically, he's–" She tried.

Jensen glared at her. Jacob took the lead this time, considering that Jensen looked like he wanted to kill someone. "Avery is not a man. She never was and never will be." He said firmly. "Maybe if she had parents who loved her, she wouldn't have felt the need to hide it for so long. She would've grown up as a woman and been happy. But that didn't happen. Instead, we got you." 

"Julien." Her mother looked right at Avery, eyebrows furrowed with concern. "Please."

The use of her dead name didn't affect her. What did was the pity her mother wanted to have for her. For herself. "No. No!" Avery growled. "You cannot guilt trip me into doing whatever you want anymore. You do not control my life. I am happy. So happy. And it just sucks that you can't see that. You don't get it. I don't think you ever will. And I never want you in my life ever again because of that." She wanted to say more but she was afraid she'd start yelling with tears rolling down her face. She always got emotional when she got angry. 

Avery turned on her heels and walked out of the stadium. Jensen quickly followed with Misha and Jacob behind him. She took her cap off and ran a hand through her hair. Her heartbeat was running a mile a minute and she couldn't focus. The flowers. She brought the flowers to her nose and breathed. A familiar smell always calmed her down. Something simple to focus on.

Jensen set a hand on one of her arms as he came up behind her. "You okay, sweetheart?" He asked softly. 

"No. Not really." Avery mumbled. "This day was meant to be exciting," She pursed her lips, "The start of a new chapter. But it just feels like I've been rereading the same part over and over again." 

Jensen brought Avery close to hold her in his arms. "It is a new chapter." He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You have me. And you don't ever have to see your parents ever again. Not if I can help it." He ran a hand through her hair then nodded at Misha and Jacob who seemed to be wondering if she was okay. 

Avery clung to Jensen and sighed. She wanted to cry. But she didn't have any more tears. Or maybe she was dehydrated. It was a hot day in the middle of May. "I love you so much." She whispered. 

"I love you too, sweetheart." Jensen smiled softly. He slipped a hand to her waist. "Now, there's this party happening tonight…" He hummed softly. "Might be nice to forget about your problems. At least, for a little while." 

Avery let out a small laugh. Jensen liked seeing her smile. "It's at my house, I kinda have to go." She pointed out with a fond look. 

"We could always hole up in your room. If you really want that." Jensen suggested softly, cupping her cheek.

Avery shook her head. "No, no. Uh, I do want to get drunk out of my mind so I don't have to think about that anymore." She admitted with a small laugh. Avery knew it wouldn't be a good coping mechanism but, fuck, she deserved it. At least once. 

—----

Seeing Avery properly let loose was something. There weren't many people in the house, about fifteen or so more people than those who inhabited the house—including Jensen. Music was blaring, he recognized it as Taylor Swift's style. Elena and Avery were screaming the lyrics at each other while Jensen nursed a beer, watching them with amused eyes. It's been nearly a year and Avery still had a few cans of Cosmic Cowboy leftover from her trip. 

Avery glanced over at Jensen and pulled him close. She had a can of some sort of seltzer he didn't recognize in one hand. She had quite a few. More than he'd ever seen her drink. So getting absolutely smashed was her plan. 

"I love you so much…" Avery breathed into Jensen's ear before she pressed a kiss to his cheek. So Avery was a sappy drunk? Fun.

Jensen let out a small laugh. "I love you too." He pressed a kiss to her head, wrapping an arm around her waist. 

Avery maneuvered out of his arm and shook her head, a smirk graced her lips as she set her drink down. "Dance with me."

The music in the background had changed. It sounded retro but Jensen couldn't quite place what it was. He set his drink next to Avery's and smiled back at her. Her eyes glimmered with excitement. She took his hand and stepped backwards a bit, closing her eyes as she shook her hips to the beat and mouthed the lyrics. Jensen did the same but kept his eyes on her. Avery was stumbling a bit and he wasn't sure if it was on purpose. 

After a few seconds, Avery let go of Jensen's hand and twirled around in a circle with a wide smile on her face. When she opened her eyes, they landed on Jensen yet again. But for a different reason. 

"Do you think, if we left, people would notice?" Avery asked in a whisper. 

Jensen pursed his lips and shook his head. "Unless we're talking about you going to bed, yes." 

"I'm definitely talking about my bed." Avery teased softly. 

So Avery was also a horny drunk. Jensen sighed and shook his head again, wrapping an arm around her waist. "I mean sleep, sweetheart." He looked at her pointedly. As much as he liked seeing her so carefree, he wasn't one to take advantage of her like this. Jensen liked knowing Avery's more coherent brain wanted him. Not her under the influence. 

"Oh, c'mon, honey," Avery whined, leaning into Jensen's shoulder. "I'll make it worth your while."

Jensen let out a chuckle, amused as he led Avery upstairs and motioned to Elena that she needed some sleep. Elena immediately turned the music down. Avery couldn't sleep well unless it was nearly silent. "And how are you gonna do that?" He asked with a cock of his eyebrow. 

Begrudgingly, Avery moved her feet. "I can suck dick pretty well." She hummed, a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

Jensen pursed his lips and laughed quietly. He didn't doubt she could, but he had a feeling it'd be better when she wasn't under the influence. He might've thought about it a few times before then though. Couldn't blame him, Avery had a nice set of lips. He had a few daydreams. 

Closing the door, Jensen locked it once he sat Avery on the bed. The alcohol didn't make her look too different. Her hair was messier than usual and her makeup was a bit smudged, but that happened throughout the day anyway. 

"I'm gonna take off your clothes, okay?" Jensen said softly, cupping her cheek gently. 

Avery pouted softly. "For the wrong reasons." But she let Jensen unzip the dress she wore anyway. 

The skin-to-skin contact wasn't foreign to her anymore but the feeling was still electric. Jensen pulled down the straps as he pressed a kiss to Avery's forehead, glancing down at her face as she took a deep breath. Then he kneeled between her legs to slip the dress all the way off. 

"Reminds me of something." Avery commented with a smirk. 

Jensen rolled his eyes. "I'll be between your knees again some other time." That was a promise. He stood to set the dress in her laundry basket. 

"Oh? You like my dick that much, huh?" Avery teased playfully. She'd be mortified in the morning if Jensen told her what happened. He planned on keeping this funny, harmless moment to himself. 

Jensen turned back to Avery. "I do," He admitted with a light smile. "Now, c'mon, it's time for bed." 

"Why are you still wearing clothes?" Avery snuggled underneath the covers, pulling them up to her chin. She looked adorable. 

Jensen tucked a stray piece of hair behind Avery's ear. "I'll take 'em off. But I'm wearing a lot more than you were." He pointed out softly. The suit he wore came with a vest, not to mention he'd also have to take off his tie. 

Avery's eyes started to droop with sleep. "True. I'm not sure what I like more…" A crease formed between her eyebrows while her tongue peeked out from her lips. "You with a three-piece suit on or naked. It's hard to choose. You look great in both." 

Jensen let out a soft chuckle as he sat on the edge of the bed, tilting his head. "You must think about this a lot." 

"At least once every week." Avery admitted. 

The answer didn't surprise Jensen. He simply closed his eyes for a second and looked away from Avery who fell asleep almost immediately after, soft snores coming from her. Jensen smiled softly at her before he stood and stripped from his clothes. 

When he got in bed next to her, the sheets moved slightly. Avery got a few new tattoos over the past few months, ones Jensen hadn't gotten the chance to see yet. On the side of her torso, near her ribs, sat a small anti-possession symbol. Jensen bit the inside of his cheek to hide his smile. From who? He didn't know. Avery was asleep and everyone else was downstairs. He pressed his face into Avery's neck and took a breath. 

Jensen was glad Avery was going to move in with him soon. He couldn't wait to go to sleep like this every night. Hopefully for the rest of their lives. 

It was futile to try to put how Jensen felt into words. There weren't enough words across any language to truly describe it. The magnitude. Even the simplest of things, like being in bed with Avery, made him feel so much. For a while, he didn't think he'd ever feel love again. Jensen was content with just work, work, work. But that wasn't living, was it? Looking back, it wasn't. It was a distraction of sorts. 

There was something missing in Jensen's life. He felt it before he got divorced but it was easier to deal with. But then the divorce happened and it wasn't so easy to deal with. Apparently, that missing thing was Avery. 

Her perfect smile, her horrible Southern accent, her ice-blue eyes, her wonderfully unhinged jokes, her freckled body, her compassion, her everything. Jensen wanted to worship her like she might worship the moon. He was halfway there.

Just one more step.

----

taglist: @nancymcl

taglist open here !

#oc #oc: avery cairo #jensenxreader #jensen ackles x reader #jensen ackles imagine #jensen ackles x oc #jensen ackles x avery cairo #jensen ackles x reader smut #supernatural #spn #spn fanfic #spn rpf #dean winchester #beau arlen #fanfiction #soldier boy #self indulgence babey #college graduation turned sour... oops #fluff #angst #shit is going down #not... horribly per say

[philcatelinet]

I posted 1,361 times in 2022

43 posts created (3%)

1,318 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@icanbeyourriver

@supersnarky

@lifesgrandparade

@greenekatgrey

I tagged 28 of my posts in 2022

#hell yes - 1 post

#not great bob - 1 post

#sweden can have some eugenics ig - 1 post

#*coronavirus - 1 post

#*death - 1 post

#us and no - 1 post

#i grew up in the 80s and just missed nuclear war duck and cover drills - 1 post

#smbc - 1 post

#hiveworks - 1 post

#comic - 1 post

Longest Tag: 94 characters

#sorry if this is a spoiler but the book has been out for years and the show aired 10 years ago

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I had to share my impressions of the New York Philharmonic in the newly renovated David Geffen Hall. For reference: our seats were on the orchestra level, row EE, in the center rear of the hall just under the first tier. For further reference: I’ve been a season-ticket subscriber to the NY Philharmonic since 2007. They have performed in the same hall since 1964 but it just underwent a renovation that fixed its notoriously bad acoustics, moved the stage forward by 30 feet so the audience is closer, and updated all the facilities. Tonight’s concert was Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 22 and Bruckner’s Symphony No. 7, two of my favorite pieces by two of my favorite composers.

I love the sound of the renovated hall. I’ve never FELT the Philharmonic’s sound like I did tonight. The basses and cellos, and all the strings, had a depth to their sound. I could hear the articulations more than ever. All of the instruments could be heard more clearly than before. I thought the delicacy of the Mozart piano concerto came out and that the piano was almost too soft compared to the orchestra. Maybe the piano was too loud before? Or the orchestra was straining to be heard over the piano? I thought the concerto was lovely nevertheless.

Bruckner’s Symphony No. 7 was incredible. I was hanging on every note. The brass sounded clear as bells. It helped that all of the brass were in the center of the stage, behind the winds, (and directly in front of where we were sitting in the center rear of the hall) instead of off to the side and way in the back like they used to be. I could feel those gorgeous brass chorales in the second movement. And the cymbal crash and timpani roll at the climax of the second movement was like an explosion of sound! There were other little things that I hadn’t noticed all the times I’d heard the piece before, like harmonies in the winds, or the first horn doubling the cellos in the opening, or some sharp menacing notes from the basses in the finale.

I almost feel cheated for all the years that I heard this orchestra in the old hall. I didn’t know what I was missing! I can’t wait to go back and hear them play there again. We have tickets to 3 more concerts this season and I might have to go by myself once or twice.

6 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

#4

See the full post

7 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

#3

FreshDirect misdelivered someone else’s order to our building and now there’s fresh produce and two cases of Lacroix sitting in the hallway. I feel bad about food waste but we don’t have that much room in our refrigerator for more produce. And would taking the food be stealing, like taking someone’s package?

On the other hand FreshDirect is not going to come back and pick up this order and redeliver it. So it’s going to sit in the hallway for a couple of days and then one of us will put it in the trash.

8 notes - Posted February 19, 2022

#2

We’ve gone all black for concert dress! I’m taking this look to our orchestra concert just off Times Square tonight.

8 notes - Posted October 15, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I made one of my favorite dinners: Cook’s Illustrated’s chicken parmesan, and I added some pepperoni because why the hell not? And some sautéed green beans for our health, and a Sicilian red blend.

9 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[hikari-ni-naritai]

2 3 4 5 7 9 10 12 13 15 17 23 27 29 31 35 38 39 40 43 46 47 48 50 55 59 61 65 66 68 69 70 72 74 75 84 93 95 100

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

no i hate it! it hurts! its unbelievable to me that people would not be hurt by it! i hate it!

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

its been ages since i read anything but ive been known to use receipts, scraps of paper, straw wrappers, yugioh cards, really whatever i can get my hands on thats flat enough to fit in there.

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

i dont/chai if available

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

i think smiling is the only way i look even half decent

7: do you name your plants?

i dont have any plants but if i did i would name one charley.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yes!

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

side! left side, specifically. can manage right side if necessary, and back only if im not in bed. stomach is right fucking out.

12: what’s your favorite planet?

used to be saturn but these days im leaning more towards good ol' Earth <3

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

probably something that happened in disco elysium, i havent done anything but watch my friend play that all day.

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

the first thing that came up is something i already knew but its also one of my favorite space facts so, the sun is 400x bigger than the moon, and also 400x farther away, so thats why they look the same size <3

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

i dont 'really want' to dye my hair at all but if i had to pick, id go ginger.

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

like. probably ff14 lol.

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

does spearmint count?

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

my fc leader makes smiley faces like :> and i think thats the cutest shit

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

sleeping with socks is a one way ticket to foot rot. i like socks but i cant wear anything that comes past my ankle. unfortunately that means they often slide down my foot and i have to keep fixing them. i mostly wear white socks bc its easiest to find thin enough socks in white. the more colors they have, the thicker they tend to be. and i prefer them very thin.

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

i like pretty pens but i dont use writing utensils often beyond writing dates on my calendar.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

really hate Friendly Teasing. really hate Lateness. really hate people treating me like being trans is an important part of my life. the important part is being Girl.

39: what color do you wear the most?

assuming the white/black spectrum doesnt count, probably blue?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

the only one that means anything to me is the ring i wear all the time. my dad bought one for me and one for my brother when i was 16 i think. it's got a garnet in it. he said it was something of a family tradition, iirc. he has one, and i think his dad had one. i just know id spent the 16 years up to that point looking at his ring and wishing i could have something like that. id never voiced this desire but it was really nice to actually get one.

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

probably my mom and some other people who were in utah with us. you can see a lot more stars out in the desert.

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

hrm. well if youre putting me on the spot, you can have this exchange i had with my friend on the drive out here. the premise is, a mafia man treats every job like the last job, and thus he has his dick out for every job. what are they gonna do, fire him?

"Ay, Cock-Out Tony! You're endangerin' the mission!"

"That was my father, call me "Cock-and-Balls Anthony"!"

"That's a bit of a mouthful"

"It's SUPPOSED to be a mouthful!"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

vegan cat food

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

probably. the dark? idk. now it's probably also the dark. but more complicated.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

scars from cat scratches but not by choice.

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

toss-up between rubbing harmless virginia creeper all over my face and body to prove to the boy scouts that it wasnt poison ivy, and sending my mom a big bouquet of flowers on father's day apologizing for not wishing her a happy mother's day, to prove to my dad that 'fuck you for getting passive aggressive about that bullshit'

59: what’s your favorite myth?

vampires real

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

god i wouldnt have any idea. my memory of gifts is either really bad or ive only given really mundane gifts.

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

mmmmm not particularly? i dont generally crave in-person hangouts. i want to hang out with my gf but we have not done that before so the 'havent seen in a long time' doesnt super apply.

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

spider lillies

68: what’s winter like where you live?

cold and sometimes snow happens. i hate it. its so dry.

69: what are your favorite board games?

whats that one called. where a couple people are spies and have to sabotage the mission? idr. that one was good. there was also a board game that the board game club at college invented, which was really fun.

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

a luigi board?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

id say yes but theres no guarantee it would help me remember it

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

a goblin with no limits.

75: tell us about your pets!

Little Boy is my cat! he is a sharp and pointy boy. very talented at curling up against my arm when i am sitting at the computer. his goal in life is Eat Phone.

Little Girl is my other cat! she is a sphere. hates bare skin, only interested in sitting on jeans. smarter than little boy. her goal in life is Eat Crumbs

Destiel Cannon Spanish Dub is my other other cat! she is very good at pawing so softly at my knees when i am in the bathroom. not even stabbing me a little bit. very distinctive meow.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

nope, im not interested in tattoos generally.

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

anime mom whos about to die tragically

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

convalesce in this hotel room, take pain meds

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

future, probably. would not have to deal with the logistics of recovering from surgery AND i would be cuter <3

[shitaboutloveisrandom]

17th September 2023

You’ve called me babe you’ve called me love you’ve called me so many things so many nicknames. You showed me that you loved me in so many ways and I didn’t see. Looking back I can see them. Now you’re different. Still sending some of these signs but i don’t know. I am different too. I am more distant. Got hurt too many times.

I am afraid of meeting you. Not because of you, because of what will be. Will it be perfect? Will it be good? Will it be weird? Will we hate each other? Maybe you won’t like me in real life. Even though you always assure me you will. I am just too afraid to lose you. I can’t do that again. I am crying right now as I am even thinking about it to happen. Fuck.

Wanted to meet you in November I was really looking forward to it even though I am scared as hell. Turns out: won’t happen. Why? Because life doesn’t let me. I fucking hate this world. Have to ask you if you’re okay with me visiting maybe in December, maybe around Christmas. You don’t celebrate Christmas I assume. I mean why would you. I hate Christmas with my family anyway, so why not visiting you? It’s perfect. Holiday of love. Would be perfect. Unless… you won’t like me. I don’t know. I have to ask you first. I hope you won’t be mad at me because I have to change plans. I promised you to come in November. Maybe you won’t be that mad when I tell you and book my plane tickets right away.

I’ve got so much love to give you but I can’t right now. I am too afraid to get hurt. You won’t hurt me on purpose, I know that. You’re a good person. But I don’t know. My anxiety is driving me crazy. I wish I could tell you all this, I mean I could I don’t think you won’t say anything negative. I think you would tell me to calm down and then you would say some nice things that will actually calm me down. But one hour later or something I find myself in this spiral of negative thoughts again. But I won’t find out what the result is, if i don’t let it happen, if I don’t meet you, finally. After 6 years, 3 years of loving you.

It all stresses me out so much, but at the same time it keeps me moving forward because there’s this little piece of hope in me that everything will get better once we meet.

You’re what keeps me alive, what makes me try my best everyday. Probably you would think I am exaggerating, I am not. Actually not. My illness makes me lose my hope and energy everyday. I can barely do anything without feeling exhausted on the spot. Because of you I still try my best, sometimes I even go to the gym again even tho I think I am close to dying because of my lack of energy.

No matter what, I hope everything will turn out fine.

I loved you, I love you and I will always love you my little monkey.

[amoveablejake]

20230423

A title inspired by the king of easy going, Mac.

During the lockdowns that were present in 2020 and 2021 I found a little programme called ‘Joe Pera Talks With You’ and it quickly grew to mean the world to me. I have written about Mr Pera before and how that show was such a joy to watch and whilst it is over now, Mr Pera’s voice and very personal brand of comedy still occupies many of my thoughts. It has this space in my mind because of how much Joe Pera fits in with my ideas of hygge, being calm, present and gentle. Yesterday, I traveled up to the big city to watch Mr Pera perform and it was, it was something special. When I first saw that he was coming to the UK I was a little hesitant to book a ticket because I didn’t want to risk ruining the image of him that I have in my mind. It turns out, I needn’t have been hesitant for his stand up last night still revolved his soft spoken, gentle brand of very unique comedy. I wasn’t sure how funny Mr Pera’s standup was going to be, I thought it might be more like a discussion or a lecture more than anything like his programme but what it turned out was to be an absolutely hysterical set that was excellently thought out, which really it was always going to be. After the show, I was even fortunate enough to meet Joe Pera in what was one of the most nerve wracking experiences that comes to mind. Whilst he isn’t the biggest superstar in the world and many people may not know who he is, to me, he is the man and he has a very special place in my heart. Thankfully in the photograph of him and I together you can’t see me shaking with excitement and nerves only one hell of a big smile across my face. 

On the train back yesterday, my friend and I were discussing the key podcasts that we listen to and I surprised myself by saying that one of my top three podcasts is the Around the NFL Podcast. Now, I wasn’t surprised that I said it, I know it is one of my favourite podcasts, I mean obviously because I listen to it all the time. What surprised me was that the main reason that it was so far up my list was just because I like to listen to the hosts talk and yes, that perhaps shouldn’t be a surprise as that is why anyone listens to any podcast but in this case, it was a little different. Whilst I do greatly enjoy listening to the gang talk about the NFL, really, when it comes down to it, all I want is to listen to this band of friends talk. To be together and to be enjoying each others company. They could be talking about the Baltimore Ravens or which route they’re taking to get in, I will get as much enjoyment from both as their friendship is one of the greatest sources of comfort for me and I do turn to the podcast when I need to have that feeling of hygge and warmth. For quite some time I have been rather obsessed with American sports radio and the Around the NFL podcast feels like the pinnacle of that for me. Infact, if it wasn’t for the fact that if I had a podcast on as I wrote I would be typing out what the hosts were saying instead of my words I would have the team on now and you better believe I will once I have finished up writing. 

As this seems to be a piece that is focused around some sources of comfort and that hygge feeling that I am forever trying to obtain, I should perhaps mention ‘Ted Lasso’ here. The Richmond based football, although that descriptor should be used extremely lightly, is continuing to be one of the best shows around in my eyes and a wonderful source of comfort and joy. Saying that though, not every episode or all parts of an episode are happy go lucky and it isn’t afraid to take a look at some serious matters in a very delicately handled and considered way. It doesn’t hit you over the head with when it does examine those moments but instead gently holds your hand to walk through them. I am repeatedly surprised by just how wonderful it is and really, how special it is. Yesterday, again in the big city, I saw a man sitting outside of a restaurant with his dogs and on his head was an AFC Richmond cap. As I walked by, wearing my AFC Richmond sweatshirt, seeing him sitting in the sun, I felt a weird sense of camaraderie, a bit like when I was at Star Wars Celebration. At STar Wars Celebration it was because everyone was there to celebrate how these stories have impacted their lives and with the man in the AFC Richmond cap, I got the sense that if he had that cap on, he had to at least be an okay human and it was a nice fleeting moment of a temporary connection that we’ll never really know about but just a reminder that there are nice people out there, and people who also respond to the Diamond Dogs call. Because when it comes down to it, its not the world that is needed, it is those little moments on it that fill us with great comfort that we need to keep on feeling the world spinning beneath our feet. 

-Jake, a man who will now forever be wearing his Joe Pera tee, 23/04/2023

[lonelywhalien22]

I love our long messages! Don't stop LOL :')

Yoongi is also my favorite rapper in BTS!!! AGHAKDFJDKF 🤣😂 I definitely feel you with Hobi - he carved out his own little niche in the rap world! My mom actually really likes him because of this!

I'm the same way when it comes to theories and stuff LOL - when I was deep into the fandom in 2018 and everyone was trying to piece together HYYH + LYS storyline, I was so lost - I just enjoyed the cinematic MV's 🤣😂

Omg yay!!! 'Trigger the Fever' is one my favorite songs ever from them! It just makes me really happy 🤗 You're correct! It was one of the songs on the latter part of the setlist before the (multiple?) encore!

Omg omg 'Golden Hour' LOL - I have so many thoughts 🤣 Given the teasers with the bigheaded characters and Mark's furry mask, I literally went in thinking this would be awkward and quirky as hell LOL. When the song started, I was genuinely impressed and I was like "Mark getting out of his loser era . . .???" UNTIL THE DAMN "I CAN'T MAKE EGGS" line LMAO - I had to pause for a minute because I was laughing so hard. My friend thought it was corny, but I actually liked the talking interlude part - Man's had a point :3

I feel you about the extra umph with Kpop! My parents keep wondering when I'm going to phase out of it, but I don't think I ever will frankly. So much effort is put into this beyond music. No judgement - you jam out to 'Sticker' if you like it 😂 We need fans like you too <3 How was The Link tour? Ten is my NCT ult too (as much as I simp about Renjun 💀😂). I also have a soft spot for Yangyang and like . . . lol a 'thing' for Xiaojun 😅

Bestie! You're booked and busy this year, huh?! Tbh, I don't know a lot about ATEEZ 😅 I tried to get into them a while ago, but idk, nothing was really clicking. They have a few songs that I do like though! If you have more suggestions, I'd be open to them :) I'm so so happy you got to see them twice!!! Crossing my fingers for the best that you get to see them again 💙

MOTS was supposed to be my first ever concert too 😭💔 My mom got tickets for us LMAO and she actually managed to snatch AMAZING seats too (it was like level 100, second row or something really close). Honestly, I don't think I will see them in this lifetime - I have bad luck with BTS concerts even before they were super mega popular :') I tried for AGUST D (even bought the dang membership again LOL) and didn't get into the ARMY presale. My friend did manage to get VIP, but I'm terrified of the GA for her 😬😅

You'll have to keep me updated about all your concert experiences to come!!! Amidst new jobs, moving, etc., I can only afford one more concert this year (since I have to travel for most of them and that's an additional cost 😞) and I'm banking all my money on SVT 😭 They are my ults and I wanna see OT13 before the m-word starts 😥

Otherwise if timing doesn't work out well with my new job and I don't get to see them, I think I'm going to try for LSFM or Red Velvet. Do you like any gg's btw? I totally forgot that Baekhyun is having a world tour too????? Besides B.I's Waterfall album, BAMBI was definitely my most played album of 2020 🤣😂 CHEF'S KISSES - he never fails to surprise us just when I think something is his best work yet.

SZA must've been something else!! I've only heard good things about her shows. We'll see about Ed Sheeran and if time/money allows! I'll keep you updated. I don't doubt Taylor Swift will have another show!! Rooting for you~

@twogyuu I’m still highkey embarrassed/ashamed of the length of what follows but you said you didn’t mind the long messages so…

Yeah in terms of kpop being a phase - I told myself that for awhile and I tried so hard not to fall into it more after BTS but there are just so many amazing groups and songs out there. And when c*vid hit I had way too much time on my hands, so yeah...me and kpop are basically trauma-bonded now lol 😂 But for real it’s only increased my love of music and creativity in general so I’m happy to have come across it!

Friend, I’m so sorry you experienced the trauma of the MOTS tour as well. And oof don’t break my delusional heart…I still stupidly have hope that somehow BTS will give us one more OT7 tour after the military 🥺. Even if they can’t do the choreo anymore and I’ve become an actual adult by the time it happens (🤣) I will still wanna see/hear them with my actual eyeballs and ears lol. I have to believe I’ll have another chance to see them all together. And omg, sending well wishes for your friend…I’m a short girlie and one thing about concerts for me - I absolutely cannot do GA, ever. I won’t be able to see and I gotta deal with people all over me...That mosh pit scene in pretty lies was literally just me randomly writing out one of my greatest fears lol…nope nope nope!!!

The Link tour was fun, getting to see them and all, but I was honestly sad that they didn't perform much of any songs from their newest album - I think it was literally only 2 Baddies (the title track) and Faster 🙁. This newest album of theirs is one of my absolute faves they've released (almost no skips) and I really wanted to hear more of it live, especially Gold Dust and 1,2,7 (Time Stops). But I loved seeing Mark and Taeyong riff off each other during rap songs, Doyoung's voice was absolutely beautiful during his solo songs, MOON TAEIL also slaying vocals, Johnny shirtless lol (but for real - the entire performance of Focus from that set to the choreo was one of the most memorable parts, everyone killed it vocally and performance wise <3), Yuta's amazing Butterfly solo performance, Jaehyun being effortlessly flirty, Jungwoo looking gorgeous irl. And they did a lot of their hits so I really can't complain (faves live were Kick It, Cherry Bomb, Lemonade, Touch, Highway to Heaven, FAVORITE (my fave hehe), and of course Sticker lol 💀). It was a total party! Also Taeyong talking to the audience was too f-ing cute, like I can't - he's actually so soft irl lol 😂

And are we sharing the same braincells??? Because I was originally gonna say this in the last post but didn't wanna sound like I was being selective but like…besides being in awe of Ten, I'm specifically trash for Yang Yang and Xiaojun of WayV 😳😂 For Yang Yang - time of death was when he and Ten released Low Low. The song is such a bop and when I saw his smile at timestamp 0:12 in the mv I was like…yeah I want him. And then his entire part in the first verse of that song like...ugh I totally fell for those lyrics (ik embarrassing) lol. Like the deal was basically sealed after that. Idk what it is about him but he just has this inexplicable charm…like whatever “it” is, he has it. Idk I don't make the rules. And Xiaojun? He is p r e t t y, ok? I am basic. Like do you see how thick his eyebrows are??? But like also his voice and he’s so soft and idk ok imma stop ALKJDLFKF. But for real I gotta see them all live because I just know their concert would be a total party. Sooo many b.o.p.s.

Also don’t feel bad if Ateez isn’t your thing!!! Funny story but the first song I ever heard from them was Wave and I was like oh this is cute, lemme check them out, and then I randomly chose HALA HALA out of all of their mvs to watch as an introduction and I was like - tf??? 🤣 And then I literally didn’t look into them again for like 6 months to a year bc I just did not get why that song was so popular and like now it’s one of my favorites 🤣 They do tend to lean darker for their cb tracks and if that isn’t ur cup of tea, that’s totally cool! I just can’t stop myself from bringing them up in any kpop convo bc I l*ve them lol. But if you really want recs from their discography, idk what kind of sound you gravitate towards so i’ll give you a mix (it’s also bc i love talking abt them and their music so indulge my Atiny brainrot for one last time hehe)

*IF I STAR IT LIKE THIS THESE ARE MY PERSONAL FAVES OF EACH VIBE BUT I LIST MORE AS WELL BC PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT TASTES LOL*

If you like softer/more chill/comfort I’d check out - *WITH U*, My Way, *Wave*, *Illusion*, *Sunrise*, *Aurora*, Dancing Like Butterfly Wings, *Promise*, If Without You, *THANK U*, *FEVER*, *Turbulence*, Twilight, *One Day At a Time*, Light, Stay, *Better*, *Time of Love*, Celebrate, *The Letter*, and All About You.

If you like emotional ballads I’d recommend - *Be With You*, *Star 1117*, *Turbulence*, *Not Too Late*, and *MIST*.

If you wanna hear fan-faves/powerful/iconic performance/choreo/hype type stuff (what made me stan them basically) I’d recommend - *Say My Name*, Answer, *Deja Vu*, ROCKY, *The Real*, *Pirate King*, *Treasure* *HALAZIA*, *HALA HALA*, *WONDERLAND*, *WIN*, *Guerrilla*, *INCEPTION*, and *Fireworks* <I’d def recommend watching the mvs for these recs.

Spicy recs if ur into that hehe (watch mv/vid performances)  - *Inception*, *Cyberpunk*, *The Ring*, *Fireworks* (ESP. the beginning of the mv), *Deja Vu*, Sector 1 (once again, specifically the beginning lol).

And then if this is getting a little tldr (ik it is i’m so sorry) and I could only choose 5 6 7 songs that define Ateez/songs to inject into my veins I would choose Pirate King, Say My Name, Star 1117, Aurora, HALA HALA, Wave, and The Real.

Did I literally spend a disgustingly long amount of time happily categorizing the bulk of their discography? Yes, yes I did. And I very much enjoyed it 🤪

Also, you don’t have to do this immediately (or ever) if it’s a hassle, but I am still quite new to seventeen’s discography (yay!!!) so if you ever wanna share your song recs (some faves from what I've sporadically encountered so far are Darl+ing, Left & Right, Fear, Do Re Mi, Cheers, *DON'T WANNA CRY omg*, Ready to love, Rock with you, _WORLD, Home, Chilli, Anyone, and Thinkin' about you) + any other content that made you really really like them I would absolutely love that <3 bonus points if the other content involves mingyu, wonwoo, vernon, and/or seungcheol bc i need bias receipts 😏

But enough about MEN. Heck yeah I listen to girl groups!!! Actually, before I found BTS or even knew what the heck kpop was, I remember listening to Taeyeon (before I knew SNSD lol) and Red Velvet. They were my true gateway into kpop. It was like 2016 or 2017, and I was dabbling in Korean R&B (I could go down a whole rabbit hole of recs in this genre too, but i won’t here - feel free to ask more if ur interested in that genre), and I remember really liking Eric Nam’s Interview album at the time (esp. the song Good For You <3). And so I was pouring through his discography and fell in love with this song called Spring Love that he did with Wendy (love Like Water btw). And then from there I learned she was part of a group and I found Red Velvet!!! I played the heck out of their songs, and I could literally list their entire discography, but some of the first gems I ever heard where I was like oh yeah they’re special were One of these Nights, Would U, and of course the iconic Bad Boy. Those women can sing. The harmonies??? The vocals??? Total queens. When they released their most recent album I was playing Feel My Rhythm nonstop in the car for a few weeks - like the people in my passenger’s seat hated me lol but like...the key change at the end??? How can you only listen to that once??? And then the song In My Dreams…my hopelessly romantic, pining heart approves. And like Seulgi??? She’s so cool bruh lol. Loved her song Who Are You with BamBam, and her solo album was so great!!! The cover image for that album is just so iconic to me for some reason. I absolutely loved the entire concept. I am praying they announce US tour dates for Red Velvet 😭 For Taeyeon, 11:11, I Blame on You, Fine, and I (ft. Verbal Jint) were in regular rotation. Her voice is absolutely stunning and it’s like she’s singing straight into your heart or something. Just gives me the feels - like I begin feeling whatever emotion she’s putting into the song. Ugh. And she continues to spit out bops - What Do I Call You, WEEKEND (literally feels like a Friday when that one comes on <3), Can’t Control Myself (obsessed with this song + concept such a vibe), INVU (the way I memorized that little hand movement of the letters that she does in the chorus 💀). Heck - Hotel del Luna is literally on my list of kdramas to watch purely because of her beautiful song from the soundtrack (I think the translated title is All About You) 😭😭😭

And there are so many other great girl groups in kpop!!! Can’t list them all but dangit if I’m not gonna try - first of all I gotta shout out my girls StayC (stayc girls, it’s goin down.) Probably my fave of the newer gen groups and for me their discography is like no skips, esp. their YOUNG-LUV.COM EP. Then there’s Everglow with their insane choreography (the song First like omggg that ones prob my favorite besides La Di Da) and their hypnotizing pre chorus mottos. Like idk how they do it but they always have like some insanely catchy little saying or something right before they go into the chorus or like the chorus is crazy catchy like what the heck lol. Got into WJSN after Queendom, and their most recent release Last Sequence - like omg…the chorus and post-chorus of that song is like a literal d r u g. I gotta catch up on LSFM releases but the way Fearless had a chokehold on me for awhileeeeee. Aespa - once again just mindbending vocals/harmonies. Love Winter and Ningning esp. And the way I still try to do that crazy flat hand thing from Next Level 🤣 and I also weirdly love how that song is like two songs squished together - like ok SM they actually pulled that off for me somehow 🤣 The way both the bridge and the ending sequence of vocals at the end of Savage are absolutely insaneeee and I love hearing it every time it comes on. NewJeans literally releases bop after bop (🎵attentiooooooon🎵) like I don’t know what kind of magic sauce they’ve got going on over there. Weeekly is such a gem as well and I have been following/rooting for them ever since their debut song After School blew up! Their music is full of wonderful melodies! Can’t wait to see where they go! Fromis_9 is great, Oh My Girl, (g)i-dle (MINNIE esp. AHHHH), Hyolyn (straight b.o.p.s.), Viviz is great. I keep hearing buzz about the group XG and am planning to check them out soon when I have some time! Currently loving Kitsch by IVE and am excited to check out I Am. Also Cupid by Fifty Fifty??? (literally know nothing about this group but this song is just a total bop). So many other ggs/female acts old and new that I haven’t listed here, including some obviously super big well-known ones but like it’s a given I listen to songs of theirs as well so I wanted to give some love to my fave faves and some hidden gems <3 So yeah, the kpop girlies are out here doing it and leaving no crumbs. We stan.

Lastly, adulting is a drag lol. I hate transitionary periods and also had my own recently so I’m wishing you the best and hope that once all the logistical stuff is settled, better/great things await you on the other side! And priorities!!! Definitely save your coins for Seventeen and make sure you see them all together!!! Ed is likely to tour again, and I am rooting for you too!!!

#dee:asks

[transblog119]

I feel the most dysphoric when I have to sit down and question my gender.

Up until that point, I can exist pretty happily. I can vibe and be very comfortable with myself and feel sure that I am a man. It's when I have to ask questions like "am I feeling dysphoric" that it induces the dysphoria because if I'm not, I don't feel "trans enough" to call myself trans.

Nothing makes you "trans enough" because being "trans enough" does not exist. It's not a level or a competition. Logically I know this. It doesn't stop me feeling the most unsettled when I have to start justifying my identity.

It's why answering questions at the doctor's makes me feel so overwhelmed, even though they're perfectly valid questions. I know she doesn't mean them as a test, just a way to get to know me and gauge what answers are best to give me so I can get the help and support I need. It still feels like a test. Like when she asked "what makes you feel dysphoric" and I couldn't answer, so I just said some generic answer like my breasts and being called my legal name. Which isn't untrue either. But it felt like answers I had to give to get what I want, as opposed to answers that I feel are true in myself.

I tried to explain seeing some trans people talking about their experience makes me happy but sometimes seeing trans people makes me unsettled. Especially if they're talking about bad experiences.

Like there's so little trans media I can read or watch, because it just reminds me being trans is all I'll be. She understood this to an extent. She understood I was trying to say being trans isn't my personality, it's just a way to express my identity, as nuanced as it is. It's not my entire being. But reading about trans people, especially in ya media, makes me so anxious.

Let me be frank, I completely understand the need for this media. I hope other people can read it and feel seen and feel at peace finding a piece of themselves in books and on tv. But for me, it only reminds me I'm trans. I could never be "truly male". I'll never be perceived as "truly male". It's at the crux of being trans, that that thing, that identity, I so desperately want will always be a little out of my reach.

It scares the shit out of me.

Reading about cis males or even amabs identifying as non binary, gender queer and gender fluid is so much easier. Because I can pretend. I can pretend that's me. Not that it could be me or it might be me but it is me.

The best I've felt reading about a trans character was in Hell Followed with Us. Yes it was gross and had a lot of gore, but at least Benji was just existing. Painfully, I'm aware, but he had so much else going on and being trans was just something he rarely thought about, while fully knowing exactly who he was in his own skin.

How do I explain to people that I feel the most dysphoric when it's pointed out to me I'm trans. That I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing or how to get the help I want. That I'm scared of starting T because what if I'm wrong, when all signs point to I'm right. And then I'm reminded that this is exactly what dysphoria is, and find comfort that I feel this dysphoria. It's like a never ending cycle, and I think this is the first time I can say I've seeked to self harm.

That by making myself dysphoric, I feel comfort feeling that dysphoria because it means I can be "trans enough" to be trans and that's the golden ticket to being allowed to start T and get top surgery and start passing. No one is stopping me from going after those things though. No one by myself, feeling like I can't have it.

But whether I'm trans or decide later I'm non binary or something else, regretting T scares me. But I know I'll always wonder. I'll always want it, I'll always be waiting to feel okay to start it. To be allowed to start it.

My doctor went through all the permanent side effects with me. My voice will change, and I fucking hope it does. I've never liked my high pitch voice. I'll grow infertile. Great, I've never wanted kids, I don't even have sex. I'll grow body hair, which kind of freaks me out, but no more than anything else.

Is it normal to be scared? Is it normal to feel so nervous I'm losing my mind? I see so many trans people excited to start T, and I am too, but are you even a little bit scared? Those people who start later in life, who didn't "know" when they were 12 but only caught on when they were 25, does it scare you? Are you hiding it?

Then I see so many tiktoks (I'm aware I need to get off tiktok) of calling out people for starting T and then being sad they're not an "anime twink". I hate the fetishisation argument, I believe it's really dangerous, but is that me? Will I regret it if I don't like how I look after? I like how I look now, I just wish I was less fem, more man.

And see how I've swung back to wanting to be a man. Of feeling I am one. When I question the small parts of myself, when I pinpoint it down to what I want to look like and how I want to be seen, all signs point to starting T is the right choice. I want a more masculine muscle structure, a deeper voice, I want people to start seeing me as a man, not as this vaguely androgynous being or just a butch lesbian tomboy that wears oversized clothing.

I think I want to skip the next part. Skip to the good part. Where I've been on T for years and my hormones have settled and I've got a scruffy beard and I don't even have to tell people I'm trans anymore because it's none of their fucking business if I am. You'll know me as Sebastian and that's all you'll fucking know me as.

I want people to forget I'm trans, not just to see me as a man, but so they'll stop bringing it up. My mum constantly asking me questions (some are good, some aren't, some are just offensive) my sister asking me who I've told (she's just being respectful) customers at work calling me "that lady" when it's not their fault.

Stop reminding me I'm trans. Start reminding me I'm a man.

[galacticturtlefromwildspace]

So THIS is Tumblr...

My grandmother always told me I should keep a diary. My mom did too.

If you look around the house, you're sure to find various notebooks with one or two or ten pages filled out detailing whatever thoughts were going through my ten or thirteen or fifteen-year-old brain. But all attempts were short-lived. I didn't really see the point of it. I got distracted. I was more interested in writing about imaginary worlds where all my feelings would materialize into conflicts that would leave land scorched for as far as the eye could see, that would topple empires, that would lead to great discoveries, that would let me rest my head in a garden that only existed inside of it.

But I haven't been a teenager for a while. As I've grown older and more sentimental and keep ending up in places and situations where everyone else is asking, "Why aren't you writing this down?" I've been tempted to give in. I've told myself that maybe it could be therapeutic. It's my last year as a twenty-something and, at the moment, it's looking like it's going to be just as if not more eventful than a lot of the things leading up to this point.

So I thought of Tumblr. I avoided this place from its inception through high school and college. Then I mostly forgot about it. However, when contemplating the concept of airing my thoughts into the digital void, I remembered this place that had caused such a stir among my peers who were eyeball deep in emo bands, vampires, and anime.

Alas, here I am. I suppose I should get to it.

January 14th, 2023. You can call me Turtle. I'm a Tour Manager. Think of any live show you've ever seen or wanted to see. Did you manage to grab those Taylor Swift tickets? Ever fancied seeing Hamilton? This past holiday season, did you make it out to see The Nutcracker? You ever see those late night talk shows that always bring on a musical guest? Did you get excited about that Coachella lineup announcement?

I'm the type of person who makes sure everyone and everything gets to where it needs to be when it needs to be on time and within budget so the show can happen. My stuff is in Philadelphia but I live wherever work takes me dragging along a backpack and a carry-on sized suitcase because it's bothersome being weighed down by your own belongings.

Everyone wants to hear the crazy stories and every year I save a few that are Christmas dinner table friendly. Because it is true that one thing I don't have to deal with is monotony. Dull days are few and far between to the extent that I welcome them with open arms. Everything is loud and fast-paced and emotional and relentless, controlled chaos from start to finish. Is it romantic or is it hell? I can't say. But I do know that if you'd be happy doing anything else, odds are you won't stick around for long. I don't say that part to people very often.

For whatever reason, I've been doing this now for ten years which is... insane for me to think about.

In five days I ship off to do it all again, a short run around America and Canada. I'll be back just after sunrise on Valentine's Day assuming I'm not trapped in Vancouver by an armageddon snowstorm like I was leading up to Christmas.

What am I feeling? Cautiously optimistic. It's not a complicated show and I'm going out with a lot of experienced - if not opinionated - people. This will be the easiest gig I have all year. Nonetheless, I'm thinking about all the things that could go wrong because if I didn't, I wouldn't be doing my job. The thing about touring is that something (or many somethings) will always go wrong so putting in the work in advance to preemptively circumvent the little fires so that I'll only have to worry about the big ones is a vital process.

Simultaneously, I'm still tying up the odds and ends from two tours I had at the end of 2022... mountains of receipts and such. I'm also prepping for my next tour in March and am already being copied on email threads between booking agents trying to piece together a world tour I have this fall. That is honestly the thing I'm most worried about in the back of my mind.

You see, I've never actually fully done a world tour before. I've only ever been to North and South America. This one will be throwing Europe, Asia, and Australia into the mix. While this opportunity feels well earned, the downside of becoming a tour manager at twenty-two is that when it comes to new opportunities, you're always the one in charge which means any mistake you make is going to be quite public and spectacular which is another reason why I'm always so anxiously thorough. Luckily, the anxious part isn't very obvious to most people.

Leaving home always tugs at me a little bit. It's less about the onset of homesickness and more about stepping into another unknown. Home is stable, consistent, and reliable. But the second I walk into that first airport it's like starting at level one of a whole new game.

I take a deep breath and look straight ahead knowing this is the last moment of rest I'll have until I beat the game.

#intro post #live music #touring