#I feel no pressure from you and I appreciate it
What do you need to feel emotionally satisfied based on your Moon sign:
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Fire Moons (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius): You need passion, dynamism, creativity and exploration.
Aries Moon: You need action, dynamism, adventure and challenges. You have a strong personality, challenges doesn't scares you, you tend to perform better when you're under pressure. When you feel unfulfilled you tend to act impulsively, you're prone to risky behaviors.
Leo Moon: You need creativity, art, to feel seen and appreciated. You're a natural born performer, you feel at your best when you're able to express your creative side. Feeling second guessed and not seen is what hurts you the most, you need to work on yourself when it comes to these issues.
Sagittarius Moon: You need to travel, to explore, to learn new things and to connect with like minded people. You're a philosopher at heart, connecting with those with similar view of life is crucial for you. When you're in a toxic environment (around close minded people) makes you feel irritable and emotionally unfulfilled.
Earth signs (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn): You need stability, financial security and to feel grounded.
Taurus Moon: You need stability, routines, peace and pleasant relationships. You tend to be quite introverted, it's easy for you to feel overwhelmed. A strong feeling of belonging with those who are close to you makes you feel grounded. Financial stability is also essential for your well being.
Virgo Moon: You need routines, connecting with logical and rational people, connecting with animals and to take care of your health. With a Virgo Moon you feel naturally drawn to animals and nature in general, living in a clean environment is also extremely important for you, cleaning your home and taking care of your body (with physical activities too) it's therapeutic for you.
Capricorn Moon: You need to feel satisfied with your career, clear boundaries, order and stability. You're quite introverted, you need relationships with people who are going to respect your boundaries and your needs to be alone to recharge. You have high expectations and when you feel unfulfilled you tend to act in a cold and detached way.
Air Moons (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius): You need intellectual stimuli, a fulfilling social life, freedom and balance.
Gemini Moon: You need intellectual stimuli, good conversations and an active social life and innovation. Without a fulfilling social life you tend to feel unworthy and unhappy, talking and expressing yourself through words it's crucial for you. During lonely times I suggest you to read books and to write you thoughts on a journal.
Libra Moon: You need balance, order, romantic connections and fulfilling social connections. Romance it's important for those with a Libra Moon, reading romantic books or watching movies could be good for them during single times. You're sensitive to injustices and you tend to connect easily with those with a rational mind and a good culture.
Aquarius Moon: You need freedom, connecting with open minded people and innovative environments. Feeling bored is extremely dangerous for you, you need constant innovations to feel fulfilled and happy, connecting with rebellious and unique people it's important for you. Dreams and hopes are also crucial for you, you need to feel a sense of belonging with those who share similar life views and who shares the same expectations for the future.
Water Moons (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces): You need strong emotions, spirituality and peace.
Cancer Moon: You need to feel a strong sense of belonging with your family, traditions and quiet times. You tend to have a strong family sense, feeling disconnected from your family it's extremely harmful for you. You need to share affection to those who are close to you to feel fulfilled.
Scorpio Moon: You need deep connections, mystery and challenges. Like Aries Moon, you tend to perform better when you're under pressure, challenges are important for you. You tend to be quite insecure, it's important for you to make significant connections with people who are going to remind you how valuable and loving you are. You need lonely times but long periods of loneliness could become toxic for you. Developing your spiritual side makes you feel powerful.
Pisces Moon: You need peace, to feel free when it comes to express your emotions and art. Creativity it's extremely important for you, you need to express your emotions through art to feel fulfilled. Stay away from those who doesn't consent you to express your feelings in a free way, these people are toxic for you. Rationality is not something for you, you need to express what you feel through art and spirituality.
ko-fi ☕️: sacerdotessa
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Ok ok ok ok ok, I seriously need a moment right now. I'm literally having a breakdown and I'm so overwhelmed by you guys. Your love and support is always pushing me toward joy and excitement. You guys are always so welcoming and so caring for me and I don't think I could ever find a better way to thank you. Thank you for sticking with me along the way . Thank you for every like, reblog , replies, tags , asks and little conversations. I appreciate you so much and I'm so lucky to be fortunated with you guys. I'm so crazy about you 🥰🥰🥰
This is site or app where I don't feel competitive or a need to pretend that I'm someone else. I can really be truly myself without any pressure. I gotta be honest and I will say that I feel insecure of myself because I do know that there is bloggers that are better and they deserve better than me. I'm jealous of them but in a good way. The kind of way that you are amazed by them and you want to be their friend. And the fact that they choose to be friends with me is beyond explainable. And I love them deeply and I will always support them in every way I can.
I'll say it again, THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR BEING SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLACE AND FOR CHOOSING TO FOLLOW ME ❤❤❤ you are absolutely incredible ❣❣
What a best way to celebrate all together then to give you some of activities. Please know that it's gonna take a while for me to answer your asks. Also please know that while I active in my blog, I will be busy with answering your asks so I don't want you to assume that I'm ignoring you or something like that..
😎- q&a. Ask me a question and I'll answer it. Kind of get to know me.
💖- give me a character and I'll tell you which headcanon is it for them.
👀- give me a character and I'll tell you if I would marry, kiss or slap them.
💟- tell me a little about yourself and I'll tell you which character would be your best in.
💓-an ask from me, telling you how much great you are.
🎬- a gif set of characters with your favorite song lyrics or quote.
💌- a random picture that reminds me of you.
👑- a whole dedicated post to you , saying why I love you and why I think people should follow you.
As always I want to shine out on the incredible and beautiful people under the cut. You just make me smile by your existence and make me feel happy just by your positivity. Thank you for giving me everything you gave .. I know it's not much but believe me, it's above and beyond. Sorry in advance if I didn't put your name under the cut, blame my memory lol😅😘🥰
@luifairesaigner @deluweil @haajjr @eddiesbuckaroo @alwayseddietrash @cantlivewithoutyoumalec @loveyourownsmiilee @ktinaj @perfectlynervousbeard @prettyfuckingflowers @diazchristopher @ablazenqueen @honestlydarkprincess @buddiextarlos @halsteadsass @enbyeddiediaz @piningeddiediaz @blu-eyed-demon @foreveristhesweetestconn @repressedkingeddiediaz @pentagrampanikkar @kissesforeddie @eddiediazisascorpio @woman-of-the-sea @wolf-oak @confetti-cupcake @pingpongpang @sweet-sammy-kisses @caroandcats @eddiediaz-buckley @wtfannibal @soldierandawar @elenaazra @hometoacactus @evaneddie @lil-italian-disappointment @all--and--more @azamatic @kellykidd @maddieandchimney @no-moremusic @justsmilestuffhappens @i-sttan @yramesoruniverse @yeet-the-nugget @youcanhavemybackanyday @browney3dgirl6 @giraffesanddietpepsi @irememberyoufern @proudbuddiestanlol @lesbiandiaz @mistmarauder @lesbianlizzie @elvensorceress @howlinbuckleydiaz @singinprincess @jddryder @bragioferebor-x @reallysmartladymariecurie @rosycheeksdiaz @zainclaw @youvegotmydevotion @angela-feelstoomuch @cowboydiaz @prettyboybuckley @bisexualdiazs @bitchdiaz @cynefinhome @buckleyirondad @eddie-diass @fleurdebeton @cirrius-akiyo @djdangerlove @tomlinpun @outrunningthedark @trashbaget @jakeluppin @vampirebuck @jewishbuckley @mooresomore @firemedicdiaz @fireladybuckley @madneyfiles @magneticghouls @captainjanegay @lieselfh @edmundo-diaz @sainteddie @davekatzdefensesquad @onlyspencer @hmslusitania @buckbuckley @elanebutterfly @pumpkinspicediaz @luv-eddiediaz @spettrocoli @satchels-and-socks @phantomqueenmorrigan @claire-nyc @mattmaesonnatural @matan4il @118diazz @118hasmyback @ediediaz @karenwilson @kitkatpancakestack @scarletmanuka1 @macarenaandrad3 @flowersmoonlight @diazactually @captainwilldameron @belovedsterek @johnbroutledge @buddie4ever21
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I appreciate so much that you haven't allowed others to stop you from speaking out against narcissistic abuse.
A lot of blogs for abuse/trauma survivors have become too focused on appeasing narcissists (diagnosed or not). I have the npd tag blocked for this very reason. Not being able to discuss narcissistic abuse only further isolates victims/survivors, and also puts people at further risk of being abused by narcissists, because narcissists "are not all like that and deserve love and compassion." Narcissists of course deserve basic human decency same as anyone else (even if they won't give that to others), but they "deserve" love and compassion the same way that incels "deserve" sex and love from women. /end rant
Sorry, this was supposed to be a heartfelt thank you for being a safe place for victims/survivors of narcissistic abuse. I have so much respect for you not caving to pressure.
This is a nicely-phrased message, thank you so much for writing it! I agree with you, and feel very strongly that victims should get a safe space and complete protection from narcissists. Regardless of the theory of 'not all are bad', the practice shows that abuse sprouts very regularly and continuously if narcissists mix with abuse victims. None of us deserve that risk, and it's not an aggression to simply steer clear from people who are extremely likely to turn out to be predators. It's painful to see abuse blogs isolating victims of narcissistic abuse specifically to appease the narcissists. Even in a survivor community, predators are regarded as more important, victims told not to 'stigmatize' their abusers.
I've grown up surrounded by narcissists who repeatedly put my life in danger, tortured me for fun, scapegoated, isolated, and brainwashed me to the point where I didn't know I was a person; I was threatened to be left for dead if I say anything, and was too terrified to speak for a long time. But I will never shut up again. This will forever be a safe space for those abused by narcissists, and a free space to talk about it and support each other to recover from it. I don't want anyone, ever, to be put thru what I was, and find themselves alone with no resources.
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enhypen's favourite places to kiss you !
♡ LEE HEESEUNG... !
your forehead !
he's the oldest member of enha
he's always gonna have that instinct in him to feel protective
his forehead kisses are so nurturing
they're his way of telling u that he loves u bc he struggles with words
you've brought him some food while he's practicing ?? gives u a liddol cuddle and a long kiss on your fod
you're the only one who laughs at his joke? he laughs with u and thanks u by kissing your fod
he does it unconsciously, really
no thought to it whatsoever
you've become part of his routine
quick peck on the lips, followed by two hands on your cheeks and fat smooch on your head
and also a big cheesy smile
bc he loves u :(
and he won't stop kissing your forehead EVEN if u tell him not to bc you're tryna get rid of your spots 😡
♡ PARK JEONGSEONG... !
your temples !
im in love with this guy istg
HE :( LOVES YOUR TEMPLES
jay is a very sentimental person and tries to pin a meaning behind everything
he feels like kissing your temples is one of the most intimate non-sexual places he can touch
he feels so so close to you when he does this
usually he kisses u on your temple when he's feeling the most down or vulnerable
he jus wants to melt when he does
he does it by pulling you close to him, keeping u wrapped in his arms, closes his eyes and leaves a kiss there
u can feel the pressure of the kiss bc he leans into it,, and his lips are so warm :(
they're usually followed by small "i love you"s or "thank you for staying" type things
bc a kiss on the temple from jay means he's absolutely smitten by u and that he wants to stay in that moment forever ☹️
♡ JAKE SIM... !
your lips !
fyi, i did put thought into this
jake is a very sensual person (even non-sexually)
he's very touchy and very traditional too
lip kisses are all you're getting from him lol
he jus likes the feeling of your lips on his
it feels so raw and he feels so close and connected to u
whenever he sees u, he loves puckering out his lips and giving u a wet smooch
he's got No shame whatsoever
will do it wherever he wants
he smiles at u widely after he does and brushes your hair away from your face jus to stare at u bc you're so pretty and your lips fit into his so nicely :(
jake believes your lips were moulded to fit into his perfectly bc the two of you are soulmates (throws up)
he's said that to u once and u jus 😐
he regrets saying it but he still thinks that hahaha
♡ PARK SUNGHOON... !
the back of your head !
he acts all tough and mighty..annoying little bitch
but he's actually very touch starved lol
so when u first start dating, sunghoon jus kinda ?? expects u to kiss him ?
he also thinks lip kisses are it
like where else are u supposed to kiss lol
but when the two of u start to grow in the relationship, he starts having these urges to jus kiss u all over your face
but he can't
that's so embarrassing lol what does he do after he kisses u there is he supposed to explain why?
which is why he resorted to kissing the back of your head whenever he's stood behind u
so much easier, no embarrassment, and it gives him major major butterflies
he'll jus come crawling behind u, wrap his arms around your waist, nuzzle his nose in your hair (and sniff it lol)
and then give u multiple soft, long kisses on your hair/head
pls appreciate them bc they only ever happen rarely :(
♡ KIM SUNOO... !
your nose !
sunoo will kiss you everywhere and anywhere on your face
he lobs u <3
he's always been both physically and verbally affectionate, but his nose kisses are the best part of your relationship
for the both of u
bc your nose is so dear to him
he loves getting all in your face until u turn bright red, and giving u a Big Fat Smooch
makes an audible "mwah!" sound after it :(
sometimes he boops it and then kisses it
he likes to pull you in from your shoulder and crane his neck so that he can whisper right into your face and then kiss u
he likes your face lol can u tell?
he jus loves how shy u get and how u scrunch your nose while you're waiting for him to kiss u
makes his entire day
he also likes nose kisses too tbh so make sure u give him some!! 😡
♡ YANG JUNGWON... !
your hands !
jungwon doesn't seem like someone who's into physical affection a lot
but your hands :(
he's always holding them
but it's always secretly lol
loves hiding them behind his back teehee
anyways,, when the two of you are alone and you're jus having a normal conversation about nothing
jungwon, while humming and listening to u, will bring up your hand and place a liddol peck on one of your knuckles
it's very soft,, u can barely feel it 🥺
u get flustered the first time he does it and he kinda regrets it but if u let him know that u like it ....
he will jus randomly bring your hand up and kiss the back of it
then he moves to your palm
then he lifts each finger individually and presses a kiss on the tip of each of them
and then he finishes it off with a little bite 🙄
u love him tho so it's okay ig
he jus thinks kissing your hand is so cute and he finds it more comfy than cheeks or lips bc he doesn't have to get so close to your face
♡ NISHIMURA RIKI... !
your cheeks !
well, at first..kisses were a no-no
they always ended up with the two of u giggling rip
it was too awkward for him
but one day, while u were playing on his switch and he was watching u,, riki felt the sudden urge to kiss your cheek
your head was facing down, making them more puffier than usual and he jus felt himself smiling too much
he tried to fight against it 😩 but eventually he gave in and gave u the quickest kiss in world history
he giggles so much after he does it (u know that little box smile he does?? yeah ahaha)
so when u look up at him like this 😮
he runs away
mfer cannot handle the embarrassment
over time, however, he starts to open up to it more and more (and he expects cheek kisses back,, this little asshole sometimes pokes his cheek and doesn't move until u give him a kiss)
he does it whenever you're distracted, either to get your attention, or bc he finds u really cute :P
TAGLIST ; @gyuury @onigiriees @jungwoniics @heejojo @wccycc @mymeloem19 @angelshire17 @yjwfav @waeng-gang @tyunni @bbyhoonie
if u wanna be added to my permanent taglist,, click here !
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Tom Holland Commission
(Not my gif!)
Note: Only one more part after this! i must say i'm sorry for being late, life has gotten so crazy annnnd I actually tore a ligament in my ankle and cracked it! so i've been just in pain for a few days. ANWWAYS here's part 4 and part 5 will be out very soon!
word count: 10k
warnings: Mentions of sex, sexual thoughts, swearing, drinking, swearing, some flash backs of harassment
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
If Love Had A Say - Part 4
It’s not easy. All of this isn’t easy
All the easy things in life are boring
You’re anything but boring
My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth and my eyelids are so heavy that I struggle to open them. Maybe I should sleep just a littttleee bit longer. I stretch in the bed and feel the softness of the sheets, pulling them closer to my chest. These sheets are so soft, and they smell so good. I take a deep inhale and snuggle myself into the sheets. Wait a minute. My eyes flutter open and that causes my headache to start. I sit up in my plush soft bed… my soft bed… not my bed. Not my bed. This is not my bed. When I look around, I can’t seem to recognise the bedroom I’m in.
I panic and quickly touch my body. Still in the clothes from last night. Last night… I try to think of how I got here but there’s nothing. My memory has faded and all that remains is a pounding headache and a dry mouth. I squint as I try to focus on where I am. Where the fuck am I? When I turn to get off from the bed, I feel my body beg me to go back. Though I have no idea where this is, I can admit that bed is heaven. There’s an on suite in here so I rush inside. There’s nothing really in here but a small window that’s covered by tree’s… there are no personal belongings or perfumes or anything to give me a hint as to who’s house this is. There’s only a large dark blue t-shirt. A male t-shirt. Suddenly a memory flashes in my mind
I want you to come home with me
I—I don’t think that’s a good idea
Don’t be like that y/n. I’ll be good I swear
The memory of feeling Leo’s fingertips pressing into my hips and the almost too strong smell of his cologne makes me want to gag. My heart races as I think of the worst. Was I that drunk that I went home with him? What if something happened… but I still have my clothes on. I rub my eyes and the look at the shirt hanging up. I lean in to smell it and it… it smells different, almost fresh as if it’s just been washed. I run my fingertips down the extremely soft material and sigh.
“Where the hell did you end up”
I shake my head and look to the mirror and take in the sight. My make up is smudged making me look as if I have racoon eyes, and my lipstick has stained my lips even though it’s no longer there. I can’t even begin to describe my hair. I’m in need of a shower and the one in this bathroom looks so promising but I just can’t get myself to get in. You’re being ridiculous. I shake my head and turn to the bathroom door. I peek out into the bedroom. Still, no one has come in.
“Just 5 minutes”
I say under my breath as I shut the door and let the lock click. I might as well freshen up while I have some privacy and a luxurious shower. I begin unzipping my dress and taking it off and once I’m naked I quickly get into the shower and turn on the water. The moment the hot water hits my skin I almost moan with pleasure. Though not something I thought I would appreciate but this water pressure is amazing. I scan the shower for something to wash my hair with and find simple scented shampoo and conditioner. I spend what feels like an hour in the shower, rinsing and scrubbing and lathering the soap until my skin feels soft and clean. I step out, steam has filled the bathroom and I can’t see my reflection in the mirror which I don’t really mind. I wrap my body in the lush white towel and grab another to wrap my hair in. Then my eyes look at the shirt… it’s clean, or at least it smells fresh out of the wash, and I don’t fancy wearing my black dress from last night. If this is Leo’s house, then I just want something that doesn’t get his attention back to me. Once I dry myself off, I slip on the shirt, it reaches my knees, even goes a little past them and it feels good on my skin. I can’t get that smell out from memory, as if I recognise who it belongs to. I just wish I knew who
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Do you understand how much I need you?
But you don’t
I do! I need you for every second of my life because without you it has no meaning…
“You’re a fucking idiot”
“I know but—”
“No Tom, you realise what you’ve done right? I get going there to see if she’s alright, but you fucking decked the guy!”
Harrison raises his voice and looks at me with flared nostrils. I know what I did last night. I don’t regret punching that asshole and even now thinking about how he grabbed y/n and what he called her makes me wish I threw more than one punch. Harrison had only come back about 20 minutes ago, magazine in hand and basically threw it at me. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t care, I don’t care because I would do it again… but I get it. I messed up big time and social media was eating up my mistake.
“You would’ve done the same alright, the guy was an absolute pig”
“I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, I’m just saying you should’ve thought first before reacting”
Harrison sighs and then pinches the bridge of his nose. Honestly, I’m glad he’s pissed because someone should be. Well actually almost everyone is pissed at me for the scene I caused. Harry called me up earlier in the morning, first to tell me that I was crazy and second to say that he was actually impressed. The worst call came from my PR managers and pretty much everyone in the acting business that felt the need to tell me just how much of a scene I really caused.
“I can’t believe you knocked him out… in a club full of damn phones”
“Do you need to keep reminding me of what I did?”
“Tom, the photos of you punching Leo are blowing up everywhere”
I groan, rubbing the back of my neck. This was going to be hell to clear up. People love a good drama story, and I just handed them their next few issues about me. The headlines they came up with were just horrible
Drunk Tom Holland in bar fight
Tom Holland punches stranger who tried to grope his new lover
Was Tom Holland Jealous that his girl was clubbing without him?
Tom Holland leaves club with new girlfriend
They all continued to make up stupid reasons as to who did what and why. And here I was now being lectured.
“Look I don’t want to be an asshole about it and make things worse for you, but you need to start thinking straight a little bit. Ever since you met y/n you’ve been a bit careless with your privacy”
I groan at his words only because I know that he’s right. He’s right and I hate it because I have been careless, and I haven’t worried about being spotted with y/n even though I should be thinking about how this affects her life too. Without really thinking I’m rubbing my temples.
“I know… fuck I know”
“I should’ve just ignored him and walked out”
“To be fair, the asshole deserved it. He was weird when I met him again that time I had to pick y/n up—speaking of, have you heard anything from her about all this”
My eyes widen. Of course I forgot to tell Harrison that instead of taking y/n to her home… I took her here… and of course managed to get into some weird late night groping that left my thoughts broken all night. Fuck. Even thinking about it. I should’ve left her room the moment I showed it to her, but I couldn’t help myself and she was so… I feel the blood rush to my ears and down to my groin.
“What aren’t you telling me…”
Asks Harrison, his tone curious but I can already tell that he won’t like the answer that I will have to give him. Unless I just don’t tell him. No that’s a shitty thing to do. I sigh heavily and decide I might as well get it all out.
“y/n was super drunk, and after everything she was still pretty buzzed—I wanted to take her home”
“What do you mean by wanted to take her home, you took her home last night right?”
I’m scratching the back of my head in silence as Harrison looks at me like he can’t really believe that I’m admitting to bringing y/n here
He presses and this time I just get it out
“I didn’t have any other option—”
“I can’t fucking believe you”
He seethes. The look in his eyes tells me that he thinks I slept with her, and though every damn bit of me wanted to, I knew it would be wrong.
“Please tell me you didn’t—”
“No. No nothing happened”
“You had one job! You just had to bring her home”
“She was too drunk to remember her own address I couldn’t just—”
I don’t finish my sentence when I hear soft footsteps enter the living room. I watch as Harrison looks past me, when his eyes return to me, I realise there’s only one other person in the house who could be awake.
Harrison says, attitude gone from his voice. I twirl around to see y/n standing in the living room doorway. My eyes catch on to what she’s wearing. An oversized t-shirt that reaches the mid of her thighs, it takes me a second to realise that it’s actually one of my shirts. I must’ve left some clothes in the spare room. She’s looking a lot fresher than last night, her hair is slightly damp leaving behind water stains in the shirt, her face is clean from all the make-up from last night. She looks beautiful.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Did you plan for this?
Some things are best to be kept spontaneous
Is that what it is? Or just you being unprepared
Tom. It was Tom. This is Tom’s house. I slept in Toms spare room last night took a shower in Toms spare room bathroom… This is Tom’s t-shirt.
His name rolls off my tongue like a whisper and I’m not even sure he hears me but we’re just staring at each other. Slowly I piece together what happened last night. Tom brought me back. Tom came to the club last night and he punched Leo after he touched me… Tom was there for me. I swallow hard.
“Right—well—nice seeing you y/n, hope you had a nice night”
Harrison flashes me a smile, but his expression changes when he looks to Tom. His eyebrows furrow and his lip twitches slightly.
“We’ll speak later”
Then he turns and leaves for the front door. Toms looking my way again and I suddenly feel so stupid. I’m wearing his damn shirt and nothing else because well, my clothes were not an option but this… oh god.
Tom says, his words seem to carry the slight smile that shapes his lips. It makes my heart flutter and my cheeks blush.
I manage to squeak out. My hands go to my sides, and I begin pulling at the hem of this shirt that suddenly feels way too short. Though I doubt it’s as short as the dress I wore last night. I need to burn that dress.
“Did you manage to sleep alright?”
I’m almost startled by his question, even more so by his tone since his voice was slightly dry. I start picking at my hands as I reply
“Y-Yeah… I honestly can’t even remember falling asleep”
“Oh. So you don’t remember—actually you know what, how about I make some tea”
I follow behind him into the kitchen. He was going to finish saying something and now I’m struggling to remember if anything else happened. I remember Tom talking to me at the club. I somewhat remember the drive here but that’s about it. And with how Tom cut himself off, it makes me think that something else happened.
“Do you have a preference in tea?”
He starts filling the kettle with water just pushing past a certain conversation.
“What were you going to say?”
He turns and passes by me, his hand touching my hip to move me out of the way. That touch. It sparks a memory. The feel of fingertips, the roughness of them. I keep staring at him, my eyes tracing his jaw down his arms and to his hands. My skin feels hot, and I shiver as I remember what happened in the bedroom last night.
Y/n, you’re drunk
Touch me Tom… please
Oh my god… What was wrong with me! My stomach tightens at the thought of what my memory flashed In front of my eyes. I never drink. I mean I do, but not that much and last night. Oh god what the fuck have I done. I’m not like this. I don’t just… I’ve never had one night stands. That’s not my thing. Hell, none of this was my thing but ever since I met Tom it seems like I can’t help myself. Stupid fucking stupid girl. No wonder he didn’t want to talk about it, I was probably awful.
“No No—something did happen and—oh my god we—I—oh im such a fucking mess”
“No y/n—no listen”
“I can’t believe I pushed for it!”
Toms now standing In front of me as I’m having, what feels like, a full-on melt down. I hear his phone begin to ring. Almost instantly he reaches for it and looks at the caller, but what I didn’t expect is for him to let it ring and put his hands on my shoulders. His damn touch makes me want to run away.
“Look, nothing happened, okay? Everything that did was my fault”
His warm brown eyes stare deeply into mine and as his words echo in my head, I pick at what he said. Everything that did. But nothing happened. But something did happen. And I can almost see that Tom is definitely still thinking about it. His phone is still ringing but I barely notice it as I can’t take my eyes away from him, but Tom seems to be the one to break our graze as he looks at the still ringing phone
He says under his breath and my body buzzes as I faintly remember how that word slipped his lips last.
“I don’t want to be an asshole, but I need to answer this”
“Sure, yeah I’ll—I’ll make us tea instead”
Tom’s lips twitch upward into a smile, and he leaves the kitchen. My cheeks feel like someone has poured hot water on them. Not just my cheeks, my whole body. I feel hot. I feel confused and shocked and worried about what last night meant. What did all of this mean but it’s not till I remember that Tom literally physically assaulted Leo… and Leo tried to get me to go home with him… which meant at some point I would have to go and see him at work. The mere thought of that made my stomach churn. I wish none of this had happened, I wish I had just stayed home and never gone for Cara’s crazy idea for of a night out. Cara.I wonder what happened to her last night. I need to find my phone, but I have no idea where my bag is, or even my shoes. Uhg.
After a good 10 minutes, once I had set everything up for tea, Tom came back with a different look on his face. His right hand was rubbing the back of his neck as he sat down by the kitchen table and took his mug.
I ask, taking small sips from my earl grey. This felt too… casual. As if I had always joined Tom in the mornings and I know I should avoid the feeling of familiarity, but I can’t. It felt right, just for this moment I will at least make light of this situation even though the look on Tom’s face may bring the buzz all the way down. He huffs a breath and then sighs.
“That was my agent, he got word from one of the production directors that the location date for shooting Spider-man has been moved up”
I’m not too sure what all that means, considering that I’m not an actress let alone know anything to do with making movies. Tom releases another sigh
“I leave for Atlanta on Tuesday”
My chest feels heavy. It shouldn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter to me. At least that’s what I tell myself.
“Oh… for how long?”
I ask him without really thinking of what his answer could be. I don’t need to know how long he’ll be gone for because it didn’t matter, what happened last night was a mistake…
“Probably 4 months”
I don’t have answer for him, so I just continue to sip on my tea as the air in the room begins to thicken. My mind races. Though I could go my whole life without seeing Tom again, it feels wrong to wish for that.
“I want you to come with me”
My eyes travel up to meet his once again and I almost choke on my tea a little. He didn’t just say what I think he did right?
“Come with me to Atlanta”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Do you remember life before all this?
Before all what?
The cameras, the actions, the stories
Sometimes I think about it
Do you miss it
The question left my mouth before I knew, I said it twice and now y/n is just looking at me with wide eyes. My nerves make my face go hot. I can’t believe I just asked y/n to come with me. I don’t know what made me want to ask her but hoenstly, London life is a little fucked up at the moment and I feel like taking y/n out of the city and maybe to a new city it would help us sort things out. Also, I know I wouldn’t be able to focus knowing she was here in London while I would be in Atlanta. It would be torture, just like how her silence in this moment is torture
I ask, I can’t bare the silence I just want her to answer so I can see what my brains comes with next. When I see her lips twitch as she thinks of her own words, and when she speaks my heart catches in my throat
I almost speak before thinking again but catch my words before they spill out again. Swallowing the lump in my throat I try again
“I—I want you to come with me to Atlanta”
“You—want me to—what?”
She stands up from her seat and starts to pace around the kitchen, I keep my steps behind her. My eyes can’t help but trace up the nakedness of her thighs. Not the right time.
“There’s a lot going on here, in London, I don’t know I just want you to come with me… I don’t think I can leave you behind”
My last words are what stops her in her tracks, I take a few of my own steps back to give her some space. When y/n turns around I can’t exactly tell what she’s thinking.
“Tom I—I can’t just hop on a jet and go with you to a different country”
“And why not?”
I shouldn’t be pushing her, but really there was nothing to hold her here, I think anyways… She wouldn’t need to worry about anything, I would be able to take her away from the mess I made last night and show that maybe there can be something between us. If that’s what she wants, hell if that’s even what I want. It is.
“Um well, unlike you, I actually have a 9-5 job that I can’t just leave|”
Ouch. Though her words did feel like a smack in the face, I did understand where she was coming from, but I could organise something for her work, I met with her boss almost a month ago and he seemed to be a nice enough man to talk to.
“Let me handle that, you wouldn’t need to organise anything I can take care of it for you”
“Just say yes and I’ll do the rest”
I can’t let her go. After last night y/n is all I can think about, even looking at her now wearing one of my shirts fills my heads with ideas. Focus. Y/n’s just staring at me, her eyes moving rapidly as she’s taking in my facial features. I meet her eyes then gaze to her lips, oh how badly I want to taste her again.
“This is crazy. You’re crazy”
She turns away from me and walks out of the kitchen mumbling things under her breath. I quickly follow her heels and without really thinking I touch her arm with light grip which makes y/n turn around to face me again. I just about hear the light gasp that escapes her lips, and it makes my heart jump. Touching the bare skin of her arm sends a pulse of electricity through my hand.
“Will you say yes?”
“I have a job”
“I’m not hearing a no”
Y/n huffs her breath and furrows her brows. I can’t help but think she looks gorgeous all flustered, the way her eyes are digging into me… I can feel my blood pump around my body and my chest going tight. My mind races and the memory of last night lingers in my head, the touch of her skin and I can’t help but let my hands travel up her arm then back down again. I realise what I’m doing and retract my hand to my side then cough to clear the air. My eyes drop to her lips again and I see how the bottom one is between her teeth, where it’s getting tugged. Keep it together.
“If you can convince my job… then I’ll consider it”
“Leave that to me”
Y/n takes a deep breath and exhales then rubs her eyes. I try hard to conceal my excitement. I know what I needed to do today, I had to organise a way for y/n to come with me… that included a visa to get into America, I’d have to talk to Randall and come up with something so he could excuse y/n to come with me, somehow convincing my manager that things are good, and the paparazzi would go crazy especially after last night. Fuck it. I don’t care as long as y/n is with me for those 4 months.
“I need to find my things… do you—do you know where my bag is? And my shoes… I can’t seem to find them anywhere”
“Oh. Yeah, I’ll get them”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Please don’t do this
What else can I—
Stay. Please for my own sanity don’t walk through that door…
I’ve been staring at my phone for 20 minutes. I knew last night was fucked up but now… My eyes continue to scan the titles.
Tom Holland in bar fight over new lover!
London bar claims Tom Holland left with new mystery girl
Close up of Tom Hollands new girl! Who is she? And did she start the fight?
So many lies. So many stupid stories where these people don’t know what they’re talking about. The photos are even worse. Some even show about 6 shots that lead to Tom’s fist connecting with Leo’s face… then there are close ups of me. My face with wide eyes, or my body close to Tom, his hand on my lower back as we walk to his car. In his car. God these people don’t have a life. If you need to capture private moments for a living, then you are literally scum… Relax.I shouldn’t get mad at people who are just doing their jobs. Horrible jobs. But still, I should’ve been more careful or—or—I don’t know what I should’ve done. I just wish my life wasn’t being captured every damn second. My eyes see a message pop up from my notifications and it starts a new chain of thoughts as I read who it’s from.
(11:15am) Leo: ‘Please call me when you get the chance’
(11:15am) Leo: ‘I know i’ve said it already but I’m so sorry’
I click on his name to find over 50 unread messages from Leo, along with 10 missed calls which all have voice mails. My lip is now between my teeth and I’m gnawing at the flesh to distract myself.
(3:56am) Leo: ‘I’m so sorry’
(3:56am) Leo: ‘I was just drinking too much, and I flipped out’
(3:57am) Leo: Missed Call
(3:57am) Leo: ‘please tell me you’re okay. Call me back, I just wanna talk’
(4:00am) Leo: ‘I fucked up I know I did but Tom was being such a dick’
(4:01am) Leo: ‘Will you just message me when you’re home’
(4:05am) Leo: Missed Call
(4:06am) Leo: Missed Call
(4:25am) Leo: ‘Please. Please don’t take what I said seriously I don’t know where my mind was’
(5:00am) Leo: Missed Call
It goes on till 10am this morning and till now, just countless messages of Leo trying to justify himself with pathetic words. I can’t help myself but listen to a few of his voice mails, the first must’ve been at the club as I can still hear music in the background, but they just continue throughout the night.
“Y/n… look I know you’re not reading my messages but… fuck I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened I—”
I close that one and click on another one.
“Please call me back when you get this, you probably don’t want to talk to me right I get it but just—”
Click. They were all the same, all so apologetic and I know I shouldn’t be feeling bad for him, he was an asshole. But there’s a small part of me that think’s he just got caught up in something that was a lot bigger than him… though that shouldn’t excuse his actions. I groan and let my body lie back on to the soft mattress. I barely sink in, and it frustrates me more. I wish I could erase everything. I wish I never took this job with stupid co-workers, wish I never got to meet Tom… My phone starts ringing. God Leo just won’t give up. When I look at the caller ID I sit up immediately and answer
“Y/n! oh thank god. I’ve been calling you all morning, where the fuck did you go?”
I sigh. How did I forget that she was there…? I wonder if she saw what Leo was doing, I didn’t see her towards the end of the night. I mean she definitely saw what happened since it’s all over the damn internet.
“It’s a long story—have you heard anything from Leo?”
“Don’t even say his name, I gave him a piece of my mind and hands when I found him in the club. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you lovely… god if I was there when he was trying to get handsy I would’ve knocked him out myself”
We both share a laugh at the image. Luckily for me, someone was there and that someone was nice enough to drive me to his house, let me sleep in his spare room and let me rest for hours undisturbed… nice enough to back away from me when I was drunk and not thinking right…
“So… you and Tom huh?”
“That’s a whole different topic. I don’t really want to talk about any of that right now I just… honestly I don’t even know what to talk about”
“How about the fact that we racked up a 400£ tab at the bar and I managed to get Leo to pay for it all”
I snort a laugh and gasp
“You bet. I even made sure to leave a tip. That’s what he gets for dropping his damn wallet”
“In this case, thank you Leo”
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I tried my best to fill Cara in on what happened after, of course leaving out certain details, but she seemed to understand everything that happened. I found out that after I had left with Tom, she had basically hunted Leo down to sort him out and even dropped him off home only to tell him how pathetic he was. Our call didn’t last too long and about 10 minutes later I still got messages from Leo. So, I just turned off my phone. I was in no mood to see his apologies or be tempted to scroll through more websites that created stories of last night. I just wanted to go home… I wanted to take a bath and soak away the stress and feeling. I just wish I could collect my thoughts.
There’s a subtle knock on the door. I realised I’ve been locked in this room for… actually I have no idea how long I’ve been in here for. Mustering up any will power that I have left, I get up from the bed and unlock the door which makes a click.
“Okay I know you unlocked it but just checking, I can come in, right?”
That makes me giggle. I don’t bother to hide it genuinely amused me.
“Yes, Tom. You can come in”
It’s only after I say yes that Tom comes in and a sweet smell comes in through the door. Sweet, and even smoky, oh its heavenly and my stomach begins to rumble.
“I uh—I got us some breakfast from one of the bistros near my house. I’m not sure if you’re hungry but you didn’t eat last night… so I was hoping you’d join me?”
Without thinking I’m already on my feet. Whatever he got it smells amazing and I’m trying hard not to drool. I show a smile when I walk past Tom who seems happy that I agreed. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so considerate as Tom was. It sparks a strange feeling in my stomach that I can’t push away until I reach the kitchen. There are plates with all different sorts of breakfast goodies. Pastries, pancakes, eggs all cooked differently, bacon, bread rolls, I spot cups filled with orange juice, a pot of tea still steaming.
I cock my head to the side and find Harrison walking with a plate pilled with fruit to the table. Though my mind is still a mess, I can’t help but rush to the table and immediately start sipping away at a glass of orange juice. Oh, this is what I needed. I didn’t realise how hungry I was. I loved breakfast and lunch and dinner too, but it just never stuck to my body. Suddenly the thought of my thinner appearance made me too aware of what I was grabbing for breakfast. What if Tom thinks my body looks weird? Wait it shouldn’t matter what he thinks because I wouldn’t be seeing him again after this… I wouldn’t be seeing him again after today… he’d be in Atlanta for 4 months and I’ll be… here.
I blink a few times. Stuck in my thoughts again. I hear a chuckle come from Harrison who’s dangling a bunch of grapes over my plate. Instead of taking a few, Harrison’s just gives them all to me and starts grabbing some bread rolls. I hear Tom’s footsteps and my body buzzes when I hear the feet of the chair next to me scrape the floor. I can already smell his cologne. It’s fresh but sweet too, slightly like spiced coffee. His elbow brushes against me and I still. Suddenly I’m brought back to a hazy memory from last night.
Touch me Tom… please
My cheeks still heat from the thought of what I said. I never, ever did things like that. I mean, when’s the last time I had a drunk hook up? Never. That’s the answer to that. All my sexual… experiences have been me sober and not drunk but for some damn reason that all went out the window when Tom showed me the bedroom. I have no idea what came over me, I had no control of what I was saying it was as if all my filters had been dissolved in the alcohol I had ingested. Toms already told me that nothing happened. That nothing happened after he touched me and that he got up and left me to sleep. I think to myself, trying to push past the neck heating memory of Toms hands on my body and find the memory of him leaving.
I—You—I’m going to go order you some food… you just—you rest up
I remember dozing off not long after that. I’m positive that I didn’t eat anything last night because my mouth is almost watering when Tom starts piling things on my plate
“How hungry are you?”
Harrison asks munching away at his bread roll. I’m already picking at some grapes as Tom reaches for the eggs.
“Honestly, I’m starving”
“I’ll make sure to fill you up then”
Harrison chokes on his bread roll, laughter filling the back of his throat and I just want to run away and hide. By the looks of it, and how a shade of red is now creeping up Tom’s neck, he probably thinks the same. Tom coughs to clear his throat and then immediately tucks into his breakfast. We eat mostly in silence, other than Harrison making a small effort to start conversation, Tom and I keep to ourselves. I can’t help but feel my cheeks heat every time I look at him. How did I get myself into this crazy mess? How did I get involved with an actor?Though there are times I regret even meeting him, there are moment where I feel that small spark in my chest… that small feeling of hope that I know leads to nowhere good and straight to heart ache. Because whenever you find someone to love… you can always lose them.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I’m staring out of my flat window watching Tom drive away. The car journey here was… less than awkward but the air in his car was thick. Every word he said sounded like it crawled on my skin. But in a good way. Every time he said my name, I could feel his lips pressed to my neck and that heat in my stomach began to drive me crazy. To say that I ran out the car the moment he reached my building is an understatement. So now here I am… staring out my window watch someone drive away like a weirdo. When Tom’s car disappears behind another building, I let out a breath that I didn’t even realise I was holding. It’s only 1 in the afternoon and my head still feels like it’s been hit with several bricks. I groan as I drag myself to my bedroom. Tom let me borrow some of his sweatpants and a pair of his socks. They barely cling to my frame and whenever I stretched, the sweatpants would almost drop down. But there was something I couldn’t stop doing, even know as I lay in my bed thinking things through. It feels like it’s become a weakness of mine. I pull toms shirt up to my nose and inhale. It sends a buzz through my whole body, one that I can’t explain. Though there’s only a trace of Tom’s scent on here, my brain recognises it straight away. The slight tingle it gives when I breathe him in, the memories of his body being close to mine. I can’t help myself. I take another deep inhale when suddenly my phone goes begins to ring again. It almost startles me, as if I’ve been caught doing something I shouldn’t. I pull the shirt down a little bit then reach to get my phone. My heart drops to my stomach when I see who’s calling me. There’s a small part of me that wants to answer Leo’s calls. To let me talk and hear his side but there’s another part of me that wants to just throw my phone and scream. I shiver as I remember the way he thought he could touch me… the way he grabbed my hips even though I was backing away from him. The words he said to me.
Another fucking fame whore
I think back to the disgusted face he had on him when he spoke vile words. The way his eyes scanned my body and disliked everything about it. I felt so small. I felt invisible yet so seen that it felt like I was standing there naked Infront of him. That asshole. I stare at my phone screen and with an almost aggressive action, I hang up the call then block him. Until things are cooled off, I want nothing to do with him… nothing. But sadly I wont have the luxury of avoid him. Because come Monday morning, I’ll be in the same building as him for 9 hours… and then for the rest of the week. I’m so tired.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This is all for you, all of it
I know it is but-
But what? I do everything for you! Everything I do is for you
But it’s not what I want!
What are you saying?
I never asked for any of this…
Well… neither did I but that’s just how life works.
Harrison’s been staring at me for a couple of minutes. His hand covering his mouth, elbow propped up on one knee that’s jiggling. Finally, after a lifetime of silence it seems like he’s going to speak.
“So. Let me get this straight—you asked her to go with you”
“I know it sounds stupid-”
“No no, it doesn’t sound stupid… it is stupid! Why would you ask her that? She has a life here Tom! A life that is bigger than whatever it is you feel for her, keep in mind that both of you don’t really know what the hell it is you feel for each other. But you can’t just snatch her away from her job because you want to be with her”
I let out a frustrated grown and rub my eyes. Though Harrison’s honesty is appreciated, it’s not something I want. I just want… I want to be able to do the right thing. I want y/n. there I said it. I want her badly. In every way possible, I want her.
“I know I know! but—fucking hell Haz I can’t get this girl out of my head. And last night? Last night was torture and I know that’s such an asshole think to say but it killed me when I had to leave that room, but I did it because…”
Deep breath in, deep breath out
“I did it because she’s not like the rest. I want more with her”
It took me saying out loud to Harrison to realise where my feelings for y/n lie. I want more with her. I want everything with her. Though by looking at Harrisons expression, I can tell he doesn’t seem too pleased.
“Look… You know I love romance, I love the whole falling in love thing, but you need to realise that just because you feel this way… doesn’t mean she does too. Not saying that it’s definitely not clear as day that she is practically head over heels for you, but I think you need to talk to her properly before you push for things”
“That’s why I need her to come to Atlanta with me, Harrison, if I can take here away from the city—”
“Take here away from the city just to go to another city? Tom, do you hear yourself!”
I stand up from the couch and let my hand brush through my hair. Harrison was now getting on my nerves and just not understanding where I was coming from. I understand that we all think differently but he must see my point, right?
“Are you even listening to me! If I can take her to Atlanta, I can somehow get us private enough where we can talk about this… all of it and I don’t want to wait 4 months to have that conversation with her”
“And how do you plan on taking her away from her job for 4 months, Tom? What about the rent she has to pay for her flat and everything else she’s literally dropping because you want to whisk her away with you”
“You’re not getting it!”
My voice is harsh and louder this time as I yell my words. Harrison in response stands to his feet and looks me directly in the eyes as he lowers his voice, still full of left-over annoyance.
“No, you’re not getting it. What you’re doing right now, all these little ideasabout how you could make her life better won’t be beneficial to her. You will fuck this up if you keep acting like there will be no consequences to any of this. Just like the first time, when you almost kissed her, and just like last night when you weren’t fucking thinking”
My chest feels tight, and heat starts to spread up from my neck to my ears. I feel so angry. So angry that I want to yell at my best friend and tell him to fuck off and that it doesn’t matter. But all I do is huff my breath and stare at him as he turns away and walks to his room because… because I know he’s right. And I hate that he’s right because I can’t help with hat I’m going to do today. I’ll take the consequences when they come.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Promise me this is real and not some stupid plot
Where is this coming from?
Just promise me
The autumn morning chill is prickling my skin, itching my nose and staining my cheeks with a red hue. Every time I let a breath out, I see if fog up Infront of me. I’ve been staring at the entrance to my office for 10 minutes and can’t get myself to just go in. I woke up this morning tired but with a clear head. Now I stand in the cold with all these thoughts going through my head. What will people think when they see me? Did they see the articles? Of course they have. Will Cara be in already or is she running late? What if Leo is waiting for me… it’s not when a hard gust of wind comes to chill my bones that I finally walk into the building. In the lift I already feel myself thaw from the cold, my cheeks flush with chill. My heart is lodged in my throat when the ding of the lift indicates I’m on my floor. Breathe. I walk out of the lift and head straight to my department. When I walk through the door, I notice Danny walk by with trays of goodies. When he looks up to see me, I catch the rush of pink that flows to his cheeks.
“Y/n! M-Morning! I just got these, fancy one?”
He stretches out a plat with a chocolate croissant on it. Normally I would devour these but today, my apatite what lost. The sweet smell of it is enough to make me sick so I hold my breath and kindly decline. I pass desk after desk, feeling some eyes on me as I walk by, but no one says a word. I finally reach mine and rush to sit in my chair, once I do I heave out a long breath and lay my head down near my keyboard. Only 8 hours and 45 minutes to go
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Time seems to pass by slowly. Ticking by seconds, then minutes then hours. I notice how people pass my desk, co-workers, they try to catch glimpses. I hear some of them whisper and gossip amongst eachother as they look to their phones and then to me
“So Tom Holland is in to her?”
I hear one girl say, she’s at a desk a few feet away.
“Could be just rumours”
“Doubt it. I saw Leo come in with a bruised jaw this morning”
Suddenly my heart drops at the mention of his name. The girls look up as I’m still looking over and are quick to get going. They don’t bother to say anything to me as they walk by. Leo. I can’t help but let his name make my skin tingle. I feel a shiver. I feel queasy and sick, and I feel like I want to run away because I know that at any moment, I could be seeing him—
Blonde hair, green eyes, freckles on the bridge of a nose, sharp jaw caressed with purple and blue hues…
His name is barely a breath on my tongue, and I realise that even my mouth hates saying his name. I struggle to swallow. My eyes meet his and now they’re locked. I can’t seem to break his gaze and I don’t know why. I see the dark circles under his eyes, the way he cheek bone stand out and how he seems like he hasn’t gotten any sleep. It’s when I look at the bruise again that sympathy pulls at my heart strings. No, he was an asshole I shouldn’t feel sorry for him.
“I’m so happy to see you, I’ve been trying to reach you since Friday night—god—y/n I just want to talk”
I break the eye contact and look away. I thought of so many things to say to him, so many ways to tell him to go fuck himself yet none of them are coming out. Instead, I get up on my feet and look for a way out. Anywhere but here, he wouldn’t follow me to the bathroom. Or maybe he’s sick enough to try.
“Wait y/n please—”
His voice cracks with desperation but I don’t care. When I feel the warmth of his hand reach my wrist, I feel something in my body go stiff. My heart’s beating so hard that is physically pains me to breathe. I turn to look at him and yank my arm free from his grip
“Don’t touch me”
I hiss. I don’t know where this venom has come from, but it escapes me. My breath is harsh as I try to keep my cool. Leo winces at my harshness but puts his hand back to his side.
“Y/n please, I just wanted to say I’m so sorry—”
“For what exactly? The groping? Trying to convince me to sleep with you? Oh wait, maybe you’re apologising for what you called me!”
I try my best to keep my voice down but with my last words I can’t help but become vocal. Some people are beginning to take notice of us, and I can feel the pressure of eyes on me.
“All of it! Okay. I’m sorry for all of it. I don’t know what came over me I was just—I was just”
“Drunk? Please tell me that’s not you’re excuse because if that’s it then you’re just pathetic”
“It’s not a good excuse I know but it’s the only thing I can think of—”
“Are you kidding me?!”
I turn around again and take quick strides to the coffee machine with Leo right on my heels. I can’t believe this asshole. He had the weekend to come up with at least a decent enough excuse, not that I would’ve accepted any of them, but at least something better than ‘I was drunk’. When I feel Leo’s touch again, I don’t hesitate to yank my arm out even more aggressively. How fucking dare he
“I said don’t touch me!”
I spit the words and my hands go to his chest to give him a shove. I barely do anything to faze him, and Leo just stares at me, hands now up in the air in surrender.
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I just—fuck. Y/n I don’t know what to say to make you forgive me”
“You don’t need to say anything. Because I won’t forgive you, what you did was sick and horrible”
“You can’t be serious?”
This is when Leo’s true colours come out. His whole stature changes. The way his eyes are now squinting at me, as he’s trying to read the thoughts in my head.
“Tell me y/n, did you get mad at Tom for punching me?”
“What he did was probably nothing less than what you deserved”
Leo’s whole attitude is changing and reminding me more of how he was at the club. I can’t keep talking to him because I feel like I might throw up. But Leo doesn’t stop.
“Did you go home with him?”
“Did he take you back to his place and sleep with you, tell me. I need to see if that asshole managed to get into as well”
I huff and puff my breath. I want to scream, I want to punch that look right of from his face. I clench my fists to control my anger.
“Whatever I do, or who I choose to sleep with has nothing to do with you”
For a moment we’re just glaring at each other. The corner of Leos lips tugs upwards, and it literally makes my stomach twist with disgust.
“Y/n! ah, there you are”
My thoughts are snapped to a deep, friendly voice. Randall stands a few feet away gesturing to me. Suddenly I forget my words.
“Will you join me in my office? There are a few things I’d like to discuss”
I gulp down the last of my anger, and without a word turn my back to Leo and walk, but not before hearing his hushed words.
“You’re just another pretty thing to him”
His words hit me in a place I didn’t realise I had kept closed. Though there was nothing between me and Tom, nothing official anyways, I couldn’t help but feel like there was something a bit… deeper. I don’t know what but just something. I follow Randall into his voice when my eyes drift around to see a figure standing by his desk. And for the third time today, my heart seems to stop and drop into my stomach. My eyes widen. Confusion is filling my mind when I say
He says warmly. The sound of his voice. Oh, how it wraps around my body and makes me feel whole. His smile brings me comfort and when he looks at me, I feel like I’ve been draped in a hug.
“what—what are you doing here?”
“Y/n dear, take a seat will you. Don’t worry you’re not in any trouble, in fact it’s quite the opposite”
I blink a few times. My brain is trying to comprehend what’s happening, but every time my eyes look up to see Tom standing in front of me, I blank. I get myself settled into Randall’s office chair and wait to hear what he’s about to say, knots already forming in my stomach.
“To say that I am more than pleased to be having this conversation wouldn’t be a lie”
“Sorry to ask this, but… what’s going on?”
“Yes, I was just about to explain”
Randall laughs lightly to himself then sits by the edge of his desk, quite near to Tom.
“It seems you’re luck never stops y/n”
“Mr Holland contacted me over the weekend where he chose to speak about your work here in the office. Needless to say, everything he said about you and your performance here made me feel very proud of you—anyways—Mr Holland has asked me if there would be a chance to hire you out personally for a handful of months”
It clicks. It all clicks. Tom was serious about it all. Tom asked me and I said if he could organise it with my work I would go, and he actually did it. My breath comes out in long exhales. I can’t believe this is happening.
“Of course, I was a bit hesitant at first, I mean, you are the best on our team but don’t go mentioning that to the others”
Once again Randall laughs. My eyes are only on Tom who’s staring right back at me. His eyes making my face burn.
“But with some persuading, I have come to accept his offer and I hope that you do too”
I still don’t break away from Toms eyes. My lips move to speak, and I ask the question even though I know the answer already. I know why Tom’s here, and I know what Randall is going to tell me, but I just need to hear it. Need to hear that Tom actually did all this because he wanted me to go with him.
“W-What’s the offer?”
Randall claps his hands for a moment then speaks
“If you would be willing to do a transfer to our offices in Atlanta”
Atlanta. Atlanta. Atlanta
“I know this seems like a big jump since it would require leaving the country and technically living there for 4 months, but rest assured I have arranged everything if you wish to follow through. You would only be required to work from your home office for 3 days a week, same pay rate as if you were being paid for the full week, courtesy of Mr Holland. You will also have all your accommodation and meals provide, plus the flight fare, once again, courtesy of Mr Holland”
It feels, like my whole world has been tipped upside down. Like I can’t breathe but breathe too much. As if everything I know is about to change in this very moment all because of Tom… all because of…
“And when do we—when do I need to travel?”
I finally take my eyes off Tom and look at Randall who readjusts his sitting position slightly. I swallow hard.
“Well… Tomorrow night”
My whole life. Is going to change… by tomorrow night. I could say no, I could stay and Tell Randall that I’m not interested in going and tell Tom that we should stop whatever is going on. But I don’t. I don’t say no because I want to see where this goes. So with my eyes looking at Tom, I meet his chocolate brown eyes and answer.
His lips tug up into a smile, which he tries to hide but I see it. I see it and it makes me feel warm inside.
“I’ll go. I’ll get everything ready when I get home later tonight”
“Oh no need to worry about that dear! Take the rest of the day off, you have enough to worry about in the next 24 hours so please, go home and get everything you need sorted”
Randall seems to be chuffed. The rest of the conversation seems to be a blur, I don’t even remember signing something. I do kind of because it was a legal document stating that if anything were to happen to me, Tom and the office in Atlanta would be responsible for me. Next thing I know I’m saying thank you to Randall and leaving his office to grab my things and go home. When a soft warm hand touches my arm. My body goes on fire. Body heat, I feel it. I feel Toms body heat all through my spin, behind my neck, through my arms, everywhere. And it’s intoxicating.
“I told you I’d handle it”
He whispers into my ear. I try hard not to let the softness of his voice send a shiver through me, but it does and I hope that Tom didn’t notice.
“This is crazy”
“You could’ve said no”
I know he’s smiling. I can almost feel his smile on my neck though he’s nowhere near it. I think. I don’t even know what to think, all I can think about is how close his breath is and how his hand is still on my arm, and I want to feel his palms all over me. Get a hold of yourself.
“I-I said yes because—because I wanted to go”
“To Atlanta, or with me?”
There’s another touch to my side. It’s light and I barely feel it but I know it’s the tips of Toms fingers looking around for something to ignite. I feel like I’m on fire.
“mmmh I see”
His voice is lower, it’s so low that the hair on the back of my neck stands up.
“Well, now that you’re coming with me—”
His fingers travel up and his body moves closer. Closer. Oh god. He uses his hands to push my hair away from my ear. I feel his lips and I cave, biting my lip to concentrate. I’m at work, this shouldn’t be happening.
“—I can guarantee you, that I’ll be finishing what you started Friday night”
His lips press lightly to my neck and I almost jolt in his arms. But just as quick as I feel him on my skin, the warmth goes cold, and his hands are now in his pocket.
“I’ll wait for you downstairs to take you home”
I don’t say anything. I don’t think anything because my body is reacting in ways that makes it physically painful to think of anything but Tom… and what’s in store for me in Atlanta…
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are you ok if I request a hc scenarios with sorbet & gelato? If not would it be ok to write melone? The prompt is with their s/o who has like “aggressive” way of showing affection, don’t worry s/o’s not actually mean or hurtful. Just gets a little to rough like for example really excited to see them so they’ll end up in a really tightly squeezed embrace while being shaken lightly? Their s/o has to much doesn’t know how to handle it so it comes out aggressive love. Please and thank you sm 💞
Sorbet and Gelato, and Melone x aggressively affectionate s/o (headcanons) :
Hi :) I wrote for the three characters, hope you'll like it !
Sorbet and Gelato
Sorbet and Gelato can be the type to express their emotions in a bold way, and it's especially the case for Sorbet, so you're not the only one communicating that way. They both enjoy your squishy hugs and aggressive kisses more than they'd like to admit. Indeed, either of them can get quite flustered by your displays of affection but will try to not let it show. However, that doesn't prevent them from responding to your kisses with equally great affection. They just try not to blush.
However, Gelato lets you be as cuddly as you want in the evenings, because he's usually too tired to bother after such a long day. While Sorbet takes you in his arms and tries to jokefully escape your devilish embrace while you squish his cheeks, Gelato will be the type to drape his arms over your shoulders and sleepily hug you.
Sorbet and Gelato accept you as a person, and will be willing to let you show them as much affection as you need too, as often as possible. They both think that it can help, knowing that you can get even more fast forward and pushy with your hugs if it's been a long time you three have seen each other.
From time to time, while you'll engage in a pillowfight with Gelato, Sorbet will arrive right at your side and help you win. The three of you will end up on the ground amongst pillows, laughing uncontrollably until you're too tired to stay awake.
Melone is a quite chill kind of lover himself. He's really demonstrative of affection towards you but more in a 'slowly draping' his arms over your shoulders way, while you work on some paper, or a gentle kiss on your cheek while he's resting an arm on your waist. He's very touchy at times, but unlike you, he rarely ever gets aggressive with his love.
You being this forward with your affection will please him greatly though, because he likes all kinds of it and never seems to get enough. He finds it wonderful. He'll maybe get surprised and squeal if you hug him very tightly from behind at some point, giggling from the sudden demonstration. Being shaken from side to side doesn't bother him either, in fact, he loves it : it's good for the circulation !
Melone likes to talk about it with you, to understand why you prefer to communicate this way. This unique caracteristic of yours is something he likes to witness; but he often is not focused on studying it enough as being tackled to the ground and attacked with pillows and kisses isn't very a fit condition to think and analyze properly, even for a man like him.
Melone also appreciates your long hugs and the pressure you put in them : it reassures him when he's feeling anxious - even if he's not going to tell you he is -, and helps him feel at peace. He also likes to let you play with his hair while he's going on about his work on the computer.
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Studio Date Nights ~ Kim Minjun
As soon as you spotted that the light was on in Minjun’s studio, you felt your heart flutter. As you neared the door, you could hear the beginnings of music playing, peering through the window to see Minjun sat at his desk, scribbling away in his notepad with ideas.
With the album finally nearing completion, Minjun had been hard at work to make sure that the final few pieces were put together. His time had barely been spent with you, and whilst you understood, you always worried about making sure that Minjun looked after himself.
After bumping into Chansung earlier in the day, he had expressed a little concern for Minjun as he spent most of his days in the studio. With a promise that you’d stop by, Chansung didn’t worry too much, knowing that no one else would be able to make him smile like you could.
You studied him for a few more moments whilst he was hard at work, waiting until he seemed to take a break before knocking on the door.
Minjun spun around at the sound of knocking, feeling his smile instinctively grow as he looked through the window at the top of the door, noticing you staring back at him. He waved you in, standing up to greet you properly.
As soon as you opened up the door, Minjun’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you tightly into his chest. Your arms moved around his waist, feeling his lips press against the side of your head several times.
With your heel, you kicked the studio door shut, giving the two of you a bit of privacy. “What are you doing here?” Minjun asked, pulling away from you momentarily so he could meet your eyes, “I thought you were busy today.”
“I’ve finished work,” you grinned, placing your bag down on his desk, “so I thought rather than going back to the apartment and spending the evening by myself, I’d come down here and see if you fancied a bit of company.”
His head nodded as he invited you to sit down in his desk chair, grabbing one of the old collapsible chairs that he kept for visitors for himself to sit down in. His eyes were firmly on you as he did so, relieved to see a smiling figure again.
Whilst Minjun settled himself, you reached into your bag, pulling out several bags of snacks, ones that you knew Minjun adored. “I wasn’t sure how hungry you are, but I’ve got takeout ready to call if you’d rather have a proper meal inside of you.”
“All of this is perfect,” he smiled, searching through the items that you had bought, “food isn’t what I need right now, just being here with you is all I need. All of this work has been piling the pressure onto my shoulders, I’m terrified right now that all of this won’t get the seal of approval from the boys for the album to be honest.”
“You’re joking?” You questioned, “they always love what you do.”
Minjun offered you an appreciative smile, reaching forwards to rest his hand against your knee, nudging you gently. The exhaustion in his gaze was clear, the efforts of the day had taken their toll on him as he worked every part of his body as hard as he could.
“If you’re sure that they love everything that I do, then could you maybe give it a listen first? If you like it, then I’m sure that all of the boys will love it too, you’re the one that I always feel like I’ve got to impress the most anyway.”
“If it’ll make you confident in your own ability, then of course,” you assured, “but I’m convinced that I’ll love everything that you’ve worked on.”
You pushed yourself back from the desk so that Minjun could load up everything that he wanted to show you. The technical side of producing had always left you slightly confused, Minjun had tried to teach you all about it, but eventually he gave up too.
“How long have you been working on all of this stuff?” You asked, stunned by the number of files that he had saved on his computer, “or should I question for how long you’ve been hiding all of these works of art from the rest of the world?”
Minjun leaned across and pressed a kiss to the side of your head before continuing, “you’ve got to hear them yet, then you can decide whether they’re really works of art or not.”
Once Minjun had set everything up, he passed you a pair of headphones to place on your head before pressing play. As he did, his eyes were fixated on you, watching as your head nodded along to the short snippet of the song he had perfected.
Minjun’s work left you in awe as always, stunned by the talent that he had to offer. Whilst it was only a few seconds long, as such a small taster of the other songs, you were excited to see all of the other stuff that he had been working on.
“So?” Minjun grinned as you took the headphones off, “how was it?”
Rather than speak, you let your actions do the talking, standing up from your chair and walking across to give him a tight hug. Minjun’s arms instantly moved around your frame, pulling you down into his waist as a sigh of relief escaped him.
“I hate and love how talented you are at the same time,” you laughed as you tucked yourself in underneath his chin, “it’s not fair that one person can be so skilled whilst someone like me can barely string a sentence together.”
Minjun could only smile back down at you, slightly too overwhelmed to speak. If there was one person who was always there to hype him up, it was you. Whenever he needed you, you were there to cheer for him, and more importantly, encourage him.
Your hand lifted to brush through his signature curl as he continued to stare at you, perfecting each strand so that it sat perfectly in front of his forehead.
“I like having you here,” Minjun whispered as you moved your hand back into his lap, “it’s quite cosy having you in my little space.”
Your head nodded as you looked around the room, “I can’t believe I’ve never spent much time in this place, it’s certainly got your stamp around it too.”
“It’s the best place for me,” Minjun admitted, “but having you here is the icing on top of the cake for making this place perfect. I’ve got everything I need in this room, music, snacks, and best of all, I’ve got you too.”
Your head shook as Minjun’s head nodded, reinforcing every single word that he had to say to you.
“I really do mean it, I’ve been so busy, especially with all of this stuff for the album and I really don’t know how you’ve been so patient with me. Trying to get all of this done has been horrendous, but I promise once this album is complete, you’ll have my full attention and I’ll make all of this back up to you too.”
“You don’t need to make anything up to me, I’m proud of how hard you’re working, and I know that it’ll pay off for you too. As long as by the end of this you’re proud of yourself, then that’s all that matters to me.”
Minjun nodded back to you, “I’m proud of everything that I do, but I’m mostly proud of the fact that I get to do all of this with you.”
“I should come to your studio more often if this is how sweet you’re going to be.”
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I hate the way a certain part of the fandom completely demonizes Rachel Amber. I know it isn’t everyone, and I’m not excusing her mistakes, but much like Chloe, I think she’s special because she’s so flawed and has such bad coping mechanisms. She reminds me a lot of myself when I was her age with her anger and she definitely internalized a lot of unhealthy behaviors from James (her lying and feeling pressured to put up a perfect front. I wish she’d lived long enough to grow older and wiser. 😔
Oh, and my bad, I should’ve clarified! By demonize I don’t mean, “Discuss her mistakes + bad behaviors + her variety of destructive coping mechanisms” I meant the ppl who frame her as an irredeemably evil person and say that she deserved to get exploited by Jefferson, preyed on by Frank (he’s known her since she was 16! 🤮) and murdered by Nathan. Those ppl love to say that she deserved everything she got and it makes me really sad. 😔 Despite her many mistakes, she didn’t deserve any of that. I love your blog btw! You have one of the best blogs on this site and your whole vibe is really cool!
I totally agree with you. LiS has always given us inherently flawed and complex characters, from Max to Chloe to Rachel to Sean and Daniel, and also minor characters like Nathan, Victoria, David, Joyce, etc. They're not always easy to love or defend and they're not meant to be. Rachel in BtS just came across as the young, stifled star who wanted more out of her life than what Arcadia Bay and Blackwell could have given her. She never deserved what she got and it's horrible that there are people out there who genuinely believe that. We may never know her true intentions or feelings toward Chloe but that's the point-- that's how DN wrote her and how D9 characterized her.
Granted, there is a flip side to all this, and I still appreciated that D9 gave us Alex, who is completely unambiguous in her sexuality and feelings for Steph and has probably the strongest moral compass, best intentions, and kindest heart of any LiS protagonist. She's an easier character to read, and her romance with Steph is more simply written, but it's wholesome and refreshing all the same.
Also-- thank you so much :) Kinda amazing I can actually give off a cool vibe, haha.
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it's just a shadow you're seeing that he's chasing - chapter 6
Warnings: Depression, suicidal ideation, referenced drug addiction, mentions of trauma, disordered eating
Summary: Weeks go by and he feels himself deteriorate, feels the thread he’s hanging onto begin to split and fray, and he starts to wonder how this is going to end for him. At what point enough will be enough.
The one where Spencer goes to the psych ward.
Genre: Angst, hurt/comfort
Word Count: 2.1k
Chapter 1 - The Enemy Within
Chapter 2 - Errand of Mercy
Chapter 3 - Dagger of the Mind
Chapter 4 - Where No Man Has Gone Before
Chapter 5 - The Galileo Seven
Chapter 6 - This Side of Paradise
Because the previous day had been his first, and he’d been admitted basically in the middle of the night, Spencer’s first day on the ward had been atypical. He’d slept in, he’d seen Hotch twice, he’d gotten his belongings. He hadn’t been required to go to groups, hadn’t even met with his doctor yet. The whole day had been a blur of trying to get settled while feeling categorically unsettled.
The next day, though, everything feels brand new, like nothing from the day before really stuck, and now it’s time to actually learn the schedule, the rules, and everything else that comes along with his voluntary commitment to this place.
It isn’t easy, and it starts with breakfast. Spencer is awoken by someone in the hall announcing that it’s time to get up, and his roommate rolls out of bed and out the door before Spencer has a chance to say a word - which is fine with him, because he’s not sure what he’d say, anyway. Spencer follows him out into the hallway, appreciative of the fact that he isn’t expected to get dressed or make himself presentable in any way, because he absolutely doesn’t have the energy to care.
He’s seated at a table with three unfamiliar faces and given a tray full of waffles, oatmeal, eggs, sausage, fruit, and decaf coffee. He sips the coffee and stares at the food long enough for two of the people at his table to finish their meals and leave, and when the last person comments that he’d better eat something, Spencer picks up his plastic knife and fork and awkwardly saws off a bite of waffle, then another. He eats half of it before putting his tray away with the other used ones, and he notices when a tech with a clipboard frowns and records how much Spencer ate, even though he doesn’t say a word to him about it.
Spencer supposes he should get used to being observed. There are people checking on him every 15 minutes, there are people regularly checking his vitals, of course there are people checking his food intake. He’s just not used to being watched like this. In many ways, it makes him feel uncomfortable. In others, he feels like a hypocrite, as someone who makes his own living observing human behavior. How is this different from charting the motivations and movements of an unsub, really?
How many of his unsubs have been in places like this?
How different is he from them?
He shakes the thought out of his head and decides to take a shower, trying to ignore the fact that the bathroom door obviously doesn’t lock, and the shower curtain is hanging on by only a few frayed strips of velcro, and the water is lukewarm, and the pressure infuriatingly weak.
Once he’s clean and dressed in fresh pajamas, his roommate comes in. They’d spoken only briefly the day before. Spencer remembers that his name is Ben.
“Morning,” Ben says. “I meant to tell you yesterday, if you have questions about stuff and you don’t want to ask the staff, you can ask me. I’ve been here a few times.”
“Thank you,” Spencer says sincerely.
“I’m a heroin addict,” Ben says. “I OD’d, that’s why I’m here.” Spencer sees it as what it is: an offering. What brought you here?
“I’m an addict, too,” Spencer says, surprised how freeing it is just to say it. “Dilaudid. I haven’t used in several years, though. Right now I’m just… I don’t know. Sad?”
“Happy people don’t cope with drugs, and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been clean if you haven’t dealt with all your other shit, you know?” Ben says wisely. “It always catches up to you.”
“Yeah,” Spencer says with a small laugh. “Yeah, it really does.”
A nurse pokes her head in the room and tells Spencer the doctor is ready to see him. He follows her to a meeting room like the one he saw Hotch in yesterday, only this one contains a young-ish man with a laptop in front of him.
He introduces himself as Dr. Coates, Spencer’s psychiatrist for the duration of his stay, and outlines what the basic treatment plan will look like - talk therapy, medication, and various other therapies depending on Spencer’s specific needs.
“Do I have to take medication?” Spencer asks right away.
“I won’t force you to do anything,” Dr. Coates says. “But I would strongly encourage you to consider it. Ideally, I’d like to prescribe you some anti-anxiety medication to be taken as needed at least while you’re here, since I see you have a history of panic attacks and nightmares. As far as longer-term treatment, I’d like to wait until we’ve spoken more and I know more about what you’re dealing with so we can make educated choices together. Does that sound all right?”
“Between your occupation, your level of education, and your family history, my assumption is you’ll be familiar with whatever medications we discuss. It’s important for you to know that I will take your observations and concerns into account, and I won’t prescribe you something you aren’t comfortable with. I will always be honest with you about side effects and risks, and I will always welcome your feedback. I don’t want you to see this as something I’m ‘doing to you,’ Dr. Reid. We’re in this together. Is that fair?”
“It is,” Spencer says, pleasantly surprised. “Thank you, Doctor.”
They discuss anxiety medication and the basic talk therapy and group therapy that every patient is required to participate in, and then Dr. Coates takes another look at Spencer’s chart.
“Your therapist will talk to you about the opportunity for trauma-specific interventions like EMDR,” he says. “But there are two more things I’d like to discuss before we finish for today. The first is nutrition.”
“Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder, Dr. Reid?”
“Not officially,” he mumbles. “I’m not-- I don’t have body image issues, or anything like that.”
“Would you say it’s more related to your depression?” Dr. Coates asks.
“Yes,” Spencer says. And then, because he trusts the doctor, he adds, “It’s probably also related in some ways to the autism. And my history of addiction. I’ve, um, found that skipping meals sometimes helps with.... cravings.”
“Thank you for telling me that,” the doctor says. “This afternoon, you’ll meet with someone from the nutrition department to choose your meals for tomorrow. You’ll do that every day, so you have some control over what you’re eating. I want you to choose things that you think you’ll be able to eat. Does that sound fair?”
“I’m also going to ask that if you aren’t able to finish at least 50% of your food, you’ll drink an Ensure shake to supplement that meal.”
“Not as long as you’re underweight, I’m afraid.”
“Fine,” Spencer sighs.
“Thank you for understanding. The last thing I’d like to talk about is occupational therapy. I know this type of environment can pose challenges for individuals with autism and I’d like to be sure we’re accommodating you as well as we can. I’m going to put in an order for you to meet with our occupational therapist, who will meet with you and discuss your particular needs and what strategies you can develop to help you both inside and outside the hospital.”
“That would be great,” Spencer says, surprised. “Really, I-- This meeting has been much less awful than I expected.”
Dr. Coates laughs. “I’m glad to hear it. We really are here to help you, Dr. Reid.”
“Do you know how long I’ll be here?” Spencer asks before leaving.
“Not yet. But we can discuss it further in the next few days, okay?”
“Okay,” Spencer says. “Thank you.”
Penelope has never liked hospitals, and as she walks through the front door she keeps having flashbacks to the waiting room where JJ came to tell the team that Emily hadn’t made it. She shudders, then wipes the image out of her brain, because this is not that, and Emily is fine, and right now she is here to visit her boy wonder and bring him coffee and joy and love.
After checking in and locking up all of her belongings except a giant coffee and a bag with a gift for Spencer, she’s led to a room with several tables and chairs, and Spencer is sitting at one of them in pajama pants and a hoodie. He stands up when he sees her and she hands him the mocha she brought from his favorite coffee shop. Before even tasting it, he sets it down on the table and reaches for a hug.
Penelope holds him close, trying to ignore how small he’s gotten, and she waits for him to let go first, and he takes his time. It’s only been a few days since they’ve seen each other, but it feels like a reunion anyway.
When he finally lets go, he sits down and gestures for her to do the same, then takes a sip of coffee.
“This is amazing,” he says with a smile. “Thank you, Penelope. For the coffee, but also, you know, for coming here. To see me. I know you hate hospitals.”
“I’ll go anywhere for you, sugarplum,” Penelope says, and she means it. She takes his hand. “Talk to me, please. Why didn’t I know that this was going on? Are you okay? How can I support you?”
Spencer’s chews on his lip and blinks several times in quick succession, like he’s trying to maintain his composure. Penelope just waits for him to be ready.
“I was scared,” he finally says in a quiet voice. “I thought if I said it out loud, it would make it real.”
“If you said…”
“That I wanted to, you know… Um. Not be… alive anymore?” He whispers the last part, staring down at his hands.
“Oh, sweet boy,” Penelope soothes. “I wish you would have told me, but I understand. I really do. Just know you can always talk to me about anything, okay?”
“Okay,” Spencer whispers.
“Have you been feeling this way for a long time?”
“Since Emily pretend-died?”
“That was when it really got bad,” Spencer admits. “But I think… I think I’ve always been sad. To a certain degree. Especially since, you know. Georgia, and everything after.”
“You’ve been through so much,” Penelope says, running a finger underneath her glasses to wipe a stray tear from her eye. “You deserve to have help. You deserve to feel better.”
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I mean it, honeybun. You matter. You are so important, and so worthy of good things. You’re one of my very best friends - you know that, right?”
“I know.” Spencer smiles.
“That reminds me, I brought you something!”
“Besides the coffee?”
“Besides the coffee!” Penelope reaches into the bag she brought in and sets the contents down on Spencer’s lap.
“It’s a weighted stuffed stingray,” Penelope explains. “It’s soft, so it’s nice to touch and pet and run your fingers over, but it’s also heavy so you can lay it on your chest or your lap to help you calm down. And it’s big enough to cuddle, and it’s purple because that’s your favorite color. I’ve been calling him ‘Maurice’ since I bought him this morning, but really you can name him whatever you want.”
This time Spencer can’t maintain his composure, and he reaches for Penelope again, tears streaming down his cheeks. She stands up and wraps her arms around him.
“Thank you so much,” he whispers. “This is the most thoughtful gift anyone’s ever given me.”
“I’m really glad you like it,” she whispers back. “I just thought you could use something, you know, warm and stimmy and comforting. I didn’t know if Hotch brought that lamb you sleep with--”
“He did,” Spencer says. “How did you know about Lamb?”
“Um, how many times have I stayed over at your apartment?”
“Fair point,” Spencer laughs.
“Anyway, now you have two plush pals to keep you company when you’re feeling lonely, or when you’re missing home or, you know, us.”
They chat for a little while longer before visiting hours end, and Penelope gives Spencer one more big hug before she has to go.
“I made a visiting schedule for everyone on the team,” she says. “So I’m not sure when I’ll see you next. I guess it depends on how long you’re here.”
“I don’t know yet.”
“That’s okay. Just know you can always call me, okay? Especially if you need something. I can send it with someone else, or stop by quick and drop it off, or whatever. Anything you need. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks, Penelope. I love you.”
“I love you, too, my boy wonder. To the moon and back.”
Penelope sleeps well that night, knowing that Spencer is safe.
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- written -
chapter thirty two : what he needed
warnings : jay lets everything he’s been holding out in this chapter.
Jay smiles as you walk in, but his demeanour seems almost nervous. You watch him clench his jaw and collect his hand in yours, squeezing his fingers in between your palm.
He watches as you turn his hand face down, before stimulating the pressure point in between his thumb and index finger.
To his delight, he does somehow start to relax more. But he feels it is because you’re here with him rather than the pressure point. He smiles at you with sweet eyes and you start to feel a little shy. He loves the way your cheeks start to round the more he looks at you.
Seeing your bashful demeanour encourages him to lean towards you before you gently nudge him away. He chuckles, teasingly refusing to back away until a few seconds later.
The Y/N of a few weeks ago subdued by the new status of your relationship.
‘I brought the good steak and potatoes,’ You say, holding up the plastic bag. Filled with adrenaline Jay takes it in his hands before hurrying over to the kitchen where he places the bags on the bench before digging into them both.
He displays the ingredients for a marinate, the cut of steak and four potatoes on the bench. You can’t help but feel like seeing him in an apron more than you should.
Wanting to ease the tension he has knotted in his shoulders, you start to play your music on shuffle. However as time goes on and Jay gets stuck in, you find that the music isn’t necessarily needed as the kitchen seems to embrace him.
Jay relaxes more and more as time goes on and more of his preparation is completed. He remains careful, however, wanting to cook his mum her favourite meal to perfection.
All you can do when you finish peeling the potatoes, is wash and dry the dishes and rock out to your music playlist alone, appreciating it more than Jay certainly has. When the prep is done and the kitchen is somewhat clean for the next stage you take the time to look at Jay.
Your boyfriend watches the meat cook with the concentration furrow in his eyebrow. You feel both domesticated and ignored but you know it’s not purposeful.
He just wants his mum.
When it gets to plating, he plates like he has never done before and when he puts down the fork, tears start to form in his eyes.Jay’s face is so full of emotion when you cup his face in your palms. With a pout of your own, you press a kiss to his cheek before brushing your finger over his cheek and wiping away his tears. You stare with pride as he creates what looks identical to art on the plate. You, like a true personal assistant, straightens out the cutlery and her seat as Jay goes to fetch his mother (after he clears his face).
A minute passes as his mother, with Jay’s hands over her eyes and her son leading her to the table. He can’t help but scan the table for anything less than perfect. With a dramatic countdown when his mother is seated, does she look at the food in front of her.
She grins as she picks up her knife and fork before placing it in her mouth. You glance at the way her fingers almost dance and how giddy she looks at the taste exploding in her mouth.
But when she looks at her son. Her son with tears in his eyes and his inability to stop them does her own eyes start to tear up. Cutting the steak into a more bite sized chunk, she leans over to Jay, signalling him to open his mouth. Jay obediently opens his mouth and allows his mother to feed him. He chews on it somewhat sadly.
‘My son, when did you grow up so much to cook this?’
Jay bites his tongue in order to stop the sob from escaping him. He picks at his clothes on his pant leg before daring to look at his mother.
His mum watches Jay with all the love in the world, honey dripping from her eyes, ‘Nobody has ever cooked this for me before, Jay. Thank you.’
He can’t help the sniffle he lets out as his mother pulls him into an embrace he’s needed since the beginning. His mother tuts him with her own tears in her eyes, smoothing the hair on the nape of his neck. He swallows before gripping his mother tight and letting out sobs filled with tears and saliva. He’s not exactly pretty whilst crying but that doesn’t deter your feelings for him. In fact, it is only enhanced as he finally puts a rest to all that was bothering him and reverts back to the boy from his childhood before his whole world seemingly went to shit.
When his mother takes a note of you watching by the door with tears in your own eyes, does she attempt to crack a joke in Jay’s ear, ‘If we cry anymore we’re all going to be swimming in tears.’
She stands from the chair with a smile before wandering off to get the tissues (and cry a little more in peace). When she makes her way through the hallway do you take the time to approach Jay without a single world. Instead, you wipe the tears that haven’t fallen and kiss him on the head.
C H E F I N S E S S I O N
an ex delinquent teaches a girl (who happens to be his next door neighbour) how to cook to escape more dire punishment.
chapter thirty two : what he needed
masterlist | prev // next
authors note : also an unintentional double update *smiles through the pain*
@penny-quinn @studioreader @heejojo @hobistigma @ghjasksdk @uhhalexwashere @echo-of-a-writer @baekhyunstruly @meltinghershey @youreverydayzebra @from-xero @hwalllllllelujah @yourlocalhotgf @liliansun
cant tag : @itsamememarioo
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I just wanna address something and make it clear that this blog is purely for fun and for my enjoyment/ability to engage with other people who also love YB. I struggle a lot with social anxiety and find it VERY hard to talk to people outside of the internet. Tumblr has made it very easy for me to be able to talk to people and create something enjoyable for others without feeling pressured, constantly worried, or with people demanding more from me. Everyone who has interacted with my blog has been extremely kind and understanding and supportive of my content and I appreciate that within the bottom of my heart. Really. Thank you. It makes me really happy to see people who genuinely love my writing and love interacting with Peter/YB here.
Now, I’ve been hearing a lot about what’s going on with the creator and many people not supporting them because of recent things and whatnot.
Whatever is going on, I still love YB and find some comfort in him as a character. I will continue to make content of him as well as other characters (though this blog seems to really focus on YB lol) so, whatever you have to say to me or whatever concerns or opinions you have on the creator...keep them off my blog please. I’m not really focused on the creator and what they’ve done. I honestly have no opinion of them and just want to enjoy YB. I am choosing to separate YB from his creator. This does NOT mean I’m stealing him! He isn’t mine AT ALL. He still belongs to Fuboo. I’m just openly saying that no matter what happens, I’ll always love the characters of YB despite what’s going on with the creator. That’s all.
Sorry for the long rant but it HAD to be addressed. It was bothering me. I just want to make good content for this yandere golf ball man I have fallen for + other characters.
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The Past Month
So I've been slow to talk about this here, and for a while I didn't know why but now I realize it's because this is the only platform where I've been told to kill myself lol the possibility of getting messages like that hits different now.
Anyway, it's been a hell of a month.
(cw medical trauma, hospitals, not graphic)
In August I was hospitalized for a pulmonary embolism (an extensive bilateral pulmonary embolism, more accurately). I had been feeling very short of breath for a couple of days and I thought it was allergies and then medication I started on when suddenly my blood pressure was really bad and even if I went up and down my stairs it was like walking around the block with how much I was breathing.
So I went to urgent care. They did some blood work. And proceeded to tell me that my stats were the kind they see in people with heart failure ("Not to freak you out!" Narrator's voice: it was too late). I got sent to the hospital in an ambulance, put in the ER, got a CT scan and...yeah, clots in my lungs.
I got admitted for several days. They did an echo of my heart, which was really good, and my lungs were good as well. It was honestly because my stats were so solid once I got put on blood thinners that I didn't end up in the ICU.
They've pretty much figured it was my birth control, although I'm going to a hematologist tomorrow to fork over a whole vampire banquet's worth of blood and they'll check for anything else.
It's hard to describe how traumatic the experience has been. I've never been kept in a hospital before. I haven't been to an emergency room since I was a kid. I've never had a CT scan, or been in an ambulance, or even had an IV. And because of covid, I didn't have anyone there (it was dangerous enough if I was exposed, which thank God I wasn't).
When people ask me how I am, I tend to say, "Physically, I'm really good." Because I am. Since I've been on blood thinners, I've genuinely been feeling so much better. Within a week I was back to living normally. When I had a call with my doctor, she said, "If I didn't know better, I would never guess you had a pulmonary embolism, you look great!"
And thank God, okay. Thank God it wasn't worse. Thank God I didn't have a heart attack, or a stroke, and that part of my lungs didn't die, and I didn't just fucking die suddenly. I replay all those possibilities on a near-daily basis, because there was a period of time I was terrified of getting a blood clot because of my birth control and then it happened, and I know it's "bad luck" (literally what they told me at the hospital at one point) but fuck.
An existential crisis becomes very different when you come out of a situation in which you actually could have stopped existing.
And it feels better in some ways - I've put a lot of things in perspective. I've made concentrated efforts to better myself. I've also recognized certain things that are absolutely meaningless. Internet drama that had been a thing I was invested in a week before was suddenly less than nothing. And that's not to say I don't care about the impact it has on others, I still believe those same things, but like, for me? I've written more in the past couple of weeks than I think I had throughout the year and it's literally just what I have wanted to write. I could not care less if people don't like it.
So in some ways it's good.
In other ways, though, I keep having to reframe life around trauma, I have to say, when I start disassociating or freaking out, that this is normal because I am one month out of dealing with a major crisis and I need to let myself adjust (not to say anything about the changes in hormones since I am no longer taking medication I was on for 18 years). I need to give myself a break. I can't just bounce back and it's not fair for me to expect that from myself.
Yeah. It's been A Lot. And if you've gotten this far reading this, I appreciate it, because I had to talk about it more and I had to talk about it somewhere I could just get out all these very, very complicated and frightening feelings. I might talk about it some more. I don't know yet.
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I. AM. WORKING. ON. VITAL. TOMORROW!
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Tubbo took the Love Language test and got Physical Touch! fan creators, do with that what you will ✨
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*Loki slithers up her arm quickly and flicks his tongue, tickling her ear, before shifting back to normal and standing behind her*
I couldn't resist *Loki blushes brightly, looking abit shy*
Would you like the rose, darling? *He cuts it off with his magic and holds it out to her*
You are far lovelier than this simple rose, of course. I do hope you know that. *He smiles*
*she giggles at the tickling, then turns around, smiling up at him* Oh, I'm sure you couldn't. After all, what's a game with the god of mischief without mischief?
Oh, thank you! *she accepts the rose, taking in its sweet, delicate scent, and touching a few of the petals gingerly with her fingertips. her own cheeks match his in hue, and she lowers her gaze* And you are far lovelier than every rose that has ever been. Though, of all that have been, this one must be my favorite. *she smiles up at him* Good company can make even the sweetest bloom all the more sweet.
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🎉Thank you for 100 followers!!🎉
((Back when I first started this blog, I only had a few mutuals and few to none who wrote Disney or HOND muses. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the space I managed to create here, and writing this charismatic chaotic jester of a man who I love deeply. Since then, things started to take off, and I honestly didn’t expect for this blog to attract the attention that it did. Nor did I ever expect to reach, or even exceed, 100 followers. Just as how I felt back then, I do not mind how little or how many decide to come along for the ride to enjoy our reoccurring program of topsy turvy nonsense. But I am writing this post because I just wanted to express my profound gratitude. For each and every one of you, to my regular rp partners, to my mutuals, to those who I may have never even talked to. Thank you for being here! I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here, and we’ve enjoyed having you along! Here’s to many more topsy turvy days in the future!!))
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😱 for Vietnam pls and thank you
(also my daily reminder that cupofkey is a v good source of Vietnam content)
😱 - what is their worst fear
I’m not super confident this is in character, but I think it would be having her identity completely erased until she’s indistinguishable from another country, or another person. For countries, your unique identity is basically your status to continue existing as a nation, so losing it would also mean dying (and therefore a very reasonable thing to be afraid of) but I think it’s more than just dying for her; it’s losing something greater. Vietnam doesn’t think death is the end, and I don’t think she fears dying. However, losing her culture, and the things that make her unique and make her Vietnam (the good experiences and the bad); that stuff is scarier. She has been through a lot, especially w/ regards to oppressors forcing other customs on her, but she’s still been Vietnam all that time; she still retained her identity and sense of self. She is proud of her country and her people, and losing what defines her people; losing their culture, heritage, etc. that’s what scares her. I also feel like if the Vietnamese people one day suddenly disappeared, I don’t think Vietnam would mind as much, but if they had just blended in to another culture and became indistinguishable from someone else, that would be much worse.
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Just wondering if I have any mutuals who are DMs for their dnd groups that just feel like they are inexperinced with handling their players who try to MinMax their characters?? Like no matter how many videos or threads I try to read to help I just feel like my players keep besting me and my story and encounters are flopping and I can't keep up. Im coming to the point where I'm getting discouraged and i dont know if I want to keep going because I feel like my party isnt having fun and I dont know how to handle this pressure.
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Don't worry your pretty little head about it, I won't, doll. I'm exclusively yours, and I think it's cute.
I'm here to bring you comfort, but you end up making me comfortable too.
- Dabi, Touya.
i 🥺🥺 love you very much, thank you 🥺🥺🥺 i feel uhhhhh very bratty for that but i wanted to be honest with you :(
do i really????? oh gosh i truly hope so :(( seriously, i hope i’m able to even bring you just an ounce of the happiness you bring me <33
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I decided to colour one of my blixer doodles! I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out!
Please consider reblogging if you like this it took me too long to do
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