#I finished watching their scenes TODAY and I have a couple more ideas for gifsets

[kinetic-elaboration]

March 15: Thoughts on Fandom

Not feeling too well this evening but hopefully a good night's sleep will make me feel better and tomorrow will be low key and chill. And my hot water will be fixed successfully.

I was thinking today about how I've felt for a long time that I'm 'between fandoms' even though technically, literally, I'm not. I continue to write and read for The 100 but I don't entirely feel like I'm in the fandom. Sometimes I think I should just leave officially, but then I think--but to go where? And "Star Trek" seems both an obvious and an incorrect answer. It's like I'm not truly invested anywhere, but in a sort of limbo-like space.

Anyway, so I broke it down like this.

I want 3 three things from "fandom," broadly speaking:

1. To engage with media that I really love.

Examples: waiting for new installments (for ongoing media); rewatching or rereading; obsessing over how great the characters or stories are, dissecting plot lines and themes.

2. To engage with a fan community that also loves the media I love.

Examples: reading fanfiction; reading meta; engaging in online discussions; reading other people's excited posts; following blogs relating to the media in question; reblogging gifsets/graphics/fan art

3. To engage creatively with the source material through transformative works.

Example: writing fanfiction.

Ideally, I'd have one piece of media that fulfills all of these purposes. That was T100 for me for a while. But then I stopped watching the show in late S4, and got farther and farther away from the 'current' fandom. And then the show ended, and on such a sour note, so that the fandom itself, the fan community, started changing. And at the same time, I started getting seriously back into Star Trek again.

So now I'm in this place, where I'm still at least kind of engaged in all three aspects of the fandom experience, but not in a unified way.

Star Trek is fulfilling the first purpose of fandom for me, right now. I'm loving rewatching TOS, and the AOS movies too, and I just have a lot of Emotions about the characters and universe. It's that good kinda excitement that a show (or book or movie or whatever) that you really love always gives. Like--ahh!!! I cannot feel anything else but just happiness because I love this so much!

BUT I'm not engaging with ST in either the second or third sense of fandom. I follow a couple ST blogs but there aren't many truly active TOS/AOS centric blogs out there right now. I don't read any ST fanfic because, well, first of all I never really did, and second, I'm far enough behind on my T100 fic! And I have rl people like my mom and B to talk about it with, but not really anyone on tumblr or wherever who's into it like I am.

And though I've vaguely plotted and poked at some fic ideas, I haven't done any real ST writing in a long time--again because I have ideas for T100 that I need/want to get to first, and I'm not writing so much anyway now in general.

On the other hand, T100 is definitely NOT fulfilling function (1) for me and hasn't in a long time. When I stopped watching the show, I still engaged with the canon a little. I watched other people get excited or debate or discuss. I noticed the patterns of fandom as the show went into and out of hiatus. Plus, I still enjoyed the early seasons and liked early-canon and canon-divergent fics (reading and planning/writing). But even that is largely fading for me. I've been trying to rewatch the show but it's not really doing anything for me... I have a hard time getting into it. The canon-divergent fics I'm writing for the collab are not interesting me in the least, either.

I realized today that most of my fic ideas, or at least most of the fic ideas I really care about in any way, are so far removed from the canon they might as well be original fiction with some familiar names thrown in. The one exception is the Ark AU, but everything else is some form of extreme AU, modern or otherwise. I don't even know that the characters make me feel much of anything anymore. I've been toying with how to explain this for a while but... I feel like both for me personally and the fandom as I perceive it, the characters are more like a shared vocabulary, rather than actual characters from a source material we all love. I think this is partially because the fandom is old enough now to have some very long standing shared headcanons, and either small enough or bifurcated enough for fanwork creators to influence each other more than the canon influences them, and partly because the show ending on a sour note for most viewers has left the people who remain in the fandom with a sense that these characters are OURS and that the value of them is in how we collectively decide to use them now, rather than in how they are tied to the universally derided source material.

I'm not saying any of this is BAD, I'm just saying, that's how it is now, from my perspective.

I'm sort of engaging with the fan community (2) through T100, but... it's a little weird. I have people I legitimately like and enjoy talking to on tumblr who I know through T100 and of course there are events like Troped that I really love. I have a ton of cool fic bookmarked too and I'm getting back into reading it. But my dash has a lot less T100 content than it used to and sometimes I'll find myself j-ing very fast through it because I'm just not in the mood. I know a lot of people are either semi-disengaging, like I am, or wholesale moving on to other things. So it's like... the community straggles on, but it's uncertain at best.

And as far as engaging creatively (3)--to the extent that I write or plan fic it's almost all T100. But I haven't... I haven't been finding it easy to write. In general. This is a little hard to explain but.. when I think "I need to leave T100 fandom and really force myself to go somewhere else" it's usually because I feel like I'm not really getting what I need creatively out of the fandom. I like a lot of my wips and unstarted ideas, in theory at least, but the closer I look at some of them the more... herculean the task of actually writing them starts to seem. And tbh I rarely just... tell myself little stories about these characters or within these potential-fic scenarios. Like in all my idle, free thought time--when I'm washing dishes or taking a walk or a shower or going to sleep, when I want to think about something nice and fictional and not let the worries in... when I'm really engaged with a fandom, I'll imagine little scenes and tell myself little stories during these times. Sometimes they're scenes I want to eventually make into or include in a fic. Other times they're not. But they're still an extension of my creative life.

And I haven't really done that for T100 in a while. Sometimes I imagine Star Trek scenarios. Sometimes I retreat into highly silly comfort scenarios with original characters. But I only think about T100 when I specifically need to brainstorm for a fic. And that makes the fic feel more like work. And that makes me want to do it less.

So... I'm not sure what that will mean for me getting back into my projects when I finally (FINALLY) finish the last of my obligations. Maybe when I feel like I can actually make progress on old wips or ideas I care about, I'll get more invested in them. I was pretty damn invested in Mountain Lion Mean and that wasn't that long ago, so it is still possible. But overall, T100 definitely doesn't have, and probably never will have again, a total monopoly on my brain the way it did c.2016.

Which is fine. Like... it's more than fine. I've been here a while. What I'm trying to articulate to myself with all this is that the dissatisfaction I feel with my fandom life is probably stemming from the lack of one, coherent obsession. I have stuff to read, stuff to write, stuff to think about, stuff to talk about, and even a small fandom community of people I like--so what's the problem, right?? It's because it's not all coming from the same piece of media and that's not as clear and coherent and nice for me.

Plus, it makes writing more difficult when I do want to write these particular ideas, but I'm only motivated by own desire to see the ideas realized, not my genuine love for the characters and the material from which they derive. There's a certain energy that fannish activity has... but T100 fic barely feels like a fannish activity to me rn. Just another type of work. It's a work I'm invested in...but I just so often don't have it in me to WORK at all, is the thing.

So that's the biggest annoyance about it. I haven't really experienced this before so even though this situation has been forming for a while, I still don't really know what to do with it.

#the year 2021 #2021: fandom thoughts #honestly i'm really proud of myself for articulating all of this #fandom

[araliyaintheskywithdiamonds]

For You Are Mine At Last - A CrissColfer Fic

Prompt: oK got a CC PROMT FOT UU!!! can u expand more on the gifset analysis of the ring thing u reblogged. i NOTICED FROM THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THE EPISODE I WAS LIKE. Lol C baby, wrong hand.... so maybe u can do like C bein hella nerv and D tryung to talk to him afterwards and idk imma let u do it ;) love uu!!

AAAH I LOVE THIS PROMPT. Okay, so I hope you don’t mind but I kind of ended up going in a very sappy direction. My CC feels got the best of me. 

*Title from At Last by Etta James

Word Count: 865 (G) AO3

Chris does certain things when he’s nervous. Several of which Darren thinks are completely and utterly adorable and others which just end up making him nervous too. Chris fidgets with the hems of his clothing, the buttons of his shirt, or with the strap of his ever-present watch- (“I like being on time, unlike some people, Dare”). Sometimes a soft blush forms high on the apples of his cheeks, and Chris will chew his lips restlessly, bouncing his leg to a beat that Darren can’t follow. 

To these, Darren smiles to himself, and clasps Chris’ hands in his own to keep them occupied. He’ll place his palm on Chris’ knee discreetly to calm his movements, and kiss Chris’ lips gently in order to tug them out from under Chris’ teeth.

Or Chris kind of just shakes. His hands tremble uncontrollably, the nerves getting into his speech as well- making him stutter and stumble over his words. This either happens when they’re at home or other ‘safe’ places, where Darren can hold him and comfort him without abandon, or in public, where Darren is resigned to holding his hand (out of eyesight) and murmuring words of reassurance (out of earshot).

Which is what has been happening all day today.

It’s the shooting of the wedding, in which Kurt and Blaine get married. Darren’s obviously ecstatic that Kurt and Blaine are getting their happy ending, even if he has to roll his eyes a little at the writers since they’re literally kids. At Blaine’s age Darren’s pretty sure the only thing he was that committed to was sleeping.

Chris had surprisingly disagreed with him on this fact, forsaking his usual logical views as a vehement realist and encouraging the idea when the directors had brought it up a couple of seasons ago. “They’re kind of soulmates, D, why would you wait?”

(As soon as the words were out, Chris had gone red, and Darren had been reminded of the ring on hold at the jeweller he’d sought out.)

Chris is similarly red now, flushed and slightly sweating in his suit. He grimaces and pulls the heavy material away from his chest, feigning exasperation when the stylists bat his hands away. Chris looks beautiful, of course, and Darren can’t help but think of another time, under a similar yet dissimilar circumstance, when they might again be wearing suits like these.

“This is such a huge moment for them,” Chris tells him as they clutch their scripts- one of the more ridiculous (and quintessentially Glee) lines having been cut from the vows. “I’m terrified.”

Darren looks at him in surprise. Chris isn’t usually nervous about scenes like this, where they just have to embody their characters and the love that they hold for each other. The only time Darren can remember him being like this was before they filmed Kurt and Blaine’s first time.

“Why?” Darren asks, gripping Chris’ free hand in his. “You were so excited for this.”

“I am. I just want to do it right. It has to be natural, not forced.”

“It will be,” Darren reassures him. “You’ll do amazing.”

They both startle when a director calls for positions, and Chris smiles at him softly before letting go. “Catch me if I fall up there?”

“Always.”

Chris kisses him fleetingly as they duck out of eyesight, and his eyes dance once they pull away.

Most of the filming is as far from a real wedding as it could get. They stop after almost every line of the vows, there are reporters documenting their every move, and cameras are everywhere.

However, it’s the ring exchange that gets to the both of them. This is what feels suddenly and eye-openingly real. Chris’ fingers are soft in his, a comforting weight in Darren’s cupped palms. The rings are cool to the touch, and shine under the lights.

They could be doing this in the future, Darren thinks. For real, without the cameras and flashes and strangers.

His breath catches in his throat when Chris slips the ring onto his finger during the first take, and Darren can feel his hands trembling with the nerves. Something, somewhere in his heart, coils and tightens at the sight of the silver against Darren’s skin, placed there by Chris’ touch.

His eyes prickle with unshed tears, and he has to scramble slightly to do the same with his own ring. Chris is apparently just as affected as he is, and Darren almost cries for real when he presents his right hand instead of his left. He nudges Chris’ fingers with his own and Chris realises his mistake, allowing Darren to slip the ring on where it belongs.

This is him. This beautiful, perfect man- it’s him. It hits Darren like a freight train.

He doesn’t hear the director calling “cut!” nor does he realise Chris is dragging him away to one of the makeshift dressing rooms, brushing away tears Darren doesn’t know have escaped. They’re suddenly standing before each other, in an empty and rather cold tent, clasping ringed hands.

“Dare-” Chris starts, and Darren doesn’t let him finish.

Instead, he kisses Chris like he’ll kiss him forever, because in his heart, he’s pretty sure he will.

#crisscolfer #crisscolfer fanfiction #crisscolfer prompts

[lucas-friar]

OTP MEME (i was tagged by the one and only @bellamyblakes)

PICK YOUR TOP 10 SHIPS WITHOUT READING THE QUESTIONS (this isn’t my exact order but more or less)

lucas and maya (girl meets world)

ian and mickey (shameless)

pacey and joey (dawson’s creek)

bellamy and clarke (the 100)

nick and jess (new girl)

barney and robin (how i met your mother)

tim and lyla (friday night lights)

sawyer and juliet (lost)

seth and kate (from dusk till dawn)

nathan and haley (one tree hill)

DO YOU REMEMBER THE EPI/SCENE/CHAPTER THAT YOU FIRST STARTED SHIPPING 6?

obviously zip zip zip in season 1 was incredible but for some reason i was shipping ted and robin so i was oblivious! it wasn’t until barney and robin hooked up in sandcastles in the sand that i was like okay i can get on board with this! then in the s3 finale when he looked at robin in the hospital after almost dying i was IN

HAVE YOU EVER READ A FIC ABOUT 2?

yes i’ve only read one and it was sooooo good and really long so i never finished it bc i was like 20 something chapters in and then stopped reading for like a day and then never picked it back up but i should because that fic was crazy good! fun fact this was the only fic i’ve ever read that wasn’t lucaya

HAVE A PICTURE OF 4 EVER BEEN YOUR SCREENSAVER/PROFILE PIC/TUMBLR?

my stan twitter is bellarke so it’s clear they’ve been my icon there but i don’t think they ever have been on tumblr

IF 7 WERE TO SUDDENLY BREAK UP TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOUR REACTION BE?

HA all my ships are non endgame anyways so these questions can’t get me! jk not all of them but most and tim and lyla are one of those non endgame ones

WHY IS 1 SO IMPORTANT? 


I WISH I KNEW!!!! I WISH I KNEW WHY LUCAYA HAS ME IN SUCH A CHOKEHOLD!!!! basically i don’t even care that they got shit writing and shit scenes the idea of the characters lucas friar and maya hart together is just so powerful 

WHICH ONE HAS THE STRONGEST BOND? 

it was between pacey/joey and naley but imma have to go with naley because they got married in season 1 and pacey/joey didn’t get their endgame until the FINALE...silence

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU READ/WATCHED 10’S FANDOM?

ive only seen oth the whole way through once but i rewatch it all the time and ive rewatched season 4 twice and season 3 three times. most of the time i rewatch though it isn’t for naley it’s for brooke lol

WHICH SHIP HAS LASTED THE LONGEST?

naley if my math is correct

HOW MANY TIMES IF EVER HAS 6 BROKEN UP?

twice yet they only got back together the first time..... BIG SIGH

IF THE WORLD WAS SUDDENLY THRUST INTO A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WHICH SHIP WOULD MAKE IT OUT ALIVE, 2 OR 8?

this is TOUGH because ian and mickey could easily fight all the zombies off both of them are always getting into fights and ian trained to be in the army BUT they would probably be fighting all the time and might not have the best teamwork MEANWHILE sawyer and juliet lived on a desert island for years, sawyer’s killed like multiple people and remember that scene where juliet flipped kate upside down she could easily do that to the zombies ALSO their teamwork is far superior to gallavich’s so this is very hard and even though my argument was more towards suliet im gonna go with gallavich because they’d probably make it out alive outta luck

DID 7 EVER HAVE TO HIDE THEIR RELATIONSHIP FOR ANY REASON? 


obviously in season 1 when lyla was cheating on jason with tim (YIKES) but then again in the first ep of season 3 after they were together over summer but it was still not known to the public/they were mostly hiding from buddy garrity 

IS 4 STILL TOGETHER? 


...........wish i could say they ever were together

IS 10 CANON? 


yes one of my only ships to be

IF ALL 10 SHIPS WERE PUT INTO A COUPLE’S HUNGER GAMES WHICH COUPLE WOULD WIN?

hmmm so it would come down to gallavich, bellarke, suliet, and sethkate because those are the only couples with fighting experience and i already said gallavich would beat suliet in the zombie apocalypse so ill take them out. kate might not bring much to the table but seth could easily kill bellarke and gallavich on his own so i think sethkate would win

HAS ANYBODY EVER TRIED TO SABOTAGE 5’S SHIP? 


hmmmmm not really they broke up on their own and most people are for their relationship i can only think of sam and reagan but honestly those fools never stood a chance so do they even count

WHICH SHIP WOULD YOU DEFEND UNTIL DEATH AND BEYOND? 


i would say lucaya because they are my number one but honestly a lot of that has to do with my headcanons and not the actual show material where they didn’t give me much evidence to defend them with! so imma say pacey/joey because they have NEVER let me down 

DO YOU SPEND HOURS A DAY GOING THROUGH 3’S TUMBLR PAGES? 


after i finished dawson’s creek i would spend days looking at pjo gifsets now it’s just whenever i see them on my dash

IF AN EVIL WITCH DESCENDED FROM THE SKY AND TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD TO PICK 1 OF THE 10 SHIPS TO BREAK UP FOREVER OR ELSE SHE’D BREAK THEM ALL UP FOREVER WHICH SHIP WOULD YOU SINK?

in a world where all of them were together (i’d never be so lucky) and i had to break one up i’d say sethkate because they are my most recent ship so i feel least attached to them

#this was fun #thx jill