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rifualk · 2 days

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On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. There are two reasons for this. One is that I'm very homesick. The other is that I found - and subsequently lost - my twin. But I only want to talk about the first reason right now - I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

youtube

I kept my last promise to you - there are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that

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in-omni-scientia · 6 months

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Someone has to put a WHOOPEE CUSHION under ⬆️THIS FUCKING THING⬆️ AS HE SITS DOWN on his THRONE and directly cause him to FUCKING EXPLODE

(extra art + biiiig and I mean BIG ramble abt skill designs under the cut. yahoo !)

The thing about me is that I looooove to have images for characters so so clear in my mind. And then Not do that. Like I have designs for Ency and Empathy and Authority soo clear in my brain but then I still don't draw them how I envision them. Sad !

I hope Everyone here knows I have Designs for them in my brain even if they're not featured here. Like not just General designs how I envision them in the game but SPECIFIC to their skillsposting blogs. Smiles. Anyways here are some notes

Most of the skills as I imagine them in the game are literally just walking around naked to me and Ency's and Rhetoric's designs here are remnants of that

I want to draw Ency with like one of those judge cloaks and some glasses with the little chains on them to hold them. Not for any specific reason I just think he might look cute. Grins

Empathy doesn't have like. Clear legs. It's more like glowing fog making the shape of them. Same for the bottom of the dress-looking thing I just got sidetracked. The top pair of arms is permanently close to their chest area but they can move it to give hugs and stuff. Also funny clouds too like in their pfp I forgot that

Authority's design in the first image is based on what the Authority account said to the turtle abt what they look me. Auth to me is like. A head and arms and no lower body. It's just a shadow if you look under there. Sorry for lying by giving him legs. He can adjust his height however he wants to tower over others. hes probably wearing like roman armour under the cloak in that image. idk. smiles

Technically Conceptualization is the smallest skill because the only "natural" (permanent and unchangeable) parts of them is what is in their portrait to me, but they can manifest limbs and stuff like that; they are just outlines, a little like the shoulder-looking part of their portrait in the bottom left

Drama is the Shortest because to me they are just a little tiny octopus. Kind of like the bit in Octodad when he's not disguised as a human, but with shorter arms? I really want to draw them properly and not on my laptop touchscreen slash phone at some point because I need to illustrate just how LITTLE they are to me. Slimeball........

Suggestion is sooo easy bruh it's just how they draw themselves. Smiles

Rhetoric's front guy he's eating is just the upper body and he's like carrying it with an extra pair of arms I think. IDK. I don't know if you've noticed but I'm a little shit at coming up with fancy designs. Rhetoric is actually Normal-Guy Sized, he's just as small as Conceptualization and Drama in that image because I couldn't really figure out a way to make it look Normal otherwise. I'm tired I can't explain anything

Right now I can best describe everyone else as being like, mixes of brainrotdotorg's and scribblemakes' skill designs because they are soooo awesome I want to Eat them. Ah! So sorry!

If any other skillsposters are reading this and have a specific Thing in mind for their skill. Please do let me know. I would Love Love Love to draw things at some stage. Smiles

#oh god i am so sorry for that long ass ramble i don't know how it got that long #can you guys tell the reason I picked encyclopedia to do this as yet #anyways I was gonna say i have no fucking clue what possessed me to draw that.#I am so sorry. it exists now I suppose #in case anyone in the main tag is unaware btw: suggestion is now authority's second-in-command #contains: txt #author/s: me #contains: figures #contains: id #skillsposting #disco elysium #secret art compilation

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project-sekai-facts · 6 months

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based on the interview posts, it's definitely thought-provoking to consider what's going to happen next. personally i do wonder if pjsekai will become "multi-generational" if it remains popular enough to continue (which is nearly impossible not to be considering a good portion of its competitors have been going for longer than 6 years at this point), the original 5 units would be the first generation, a conceptual new number of units being the next, and so on, because of the implication that "the original 5's stories will reach their conclusions and have an end" and after their conclusions are reached then, while they could write a new story with the characters with new adult issues and seeing them grow up further, there are still a lot of opportunities to expand on the game's lore and universe with new units, how the original units affected others, and especially sekai lore, especially since a lot of the game's lore has to do with miku helping out many individuals with their problems, and currently the majority of that is only done through the original unit's sekais, which is only a select 20 people's views (minus the vs fes cards which only have little lore anyways). Maybe it will be something like lovelive where the original generation (u's) has officially graduated but are still featured in newer games and still get some content in those games. Ultimately what happens next is something we just have to see the game develop closer to, but it's a solid option that the game can technically go for.

yeah like they said it's a difficult decisions. because on the one hand you've got these beloved characters and stories that people will have grown up with at that point, and continuing them on into 3rd year/university would mean there's more things you can do with them and new ideas you could include. and i think in a natural storytelling sense it would make sense to carry on with the main 5 because quite frankly having them all achieve their dreams and that before they've even finished high school is... somewhat unfulfilling? especially with n25 i think it would make a lot of sense to carry them on into uni, maybe have Ena go to art school and Mafuyu go to nursing school. even if their stories ended before they graduated uni I feel like that would be a really satisfying conclusion for them compared to maybe just mentioning that's where they're going when they finish high school. but then there's the fact they mentioned about just carrying on because it's popular and the story going stale because they only wrote so far. and that's definitely a threat because that can happen if they've only planned so far ahead. then again, the writing team is generally top-notch and other games have proven that you can stick around without people ever getting tired of the story.

i do however think the generational format could work. as you said it could expand more on the lore, introduce new characters with new problems, and prevent people from growing tired of the old ones. on the lore side of things i wonder if they would be included in the Tree SEKAI with the main 5, or if there would be a new collective sekai for them? the only thing about having a generational format similar to Love Live (where you completely conclude the story of the previous generation before the next generation...ish) is that you have to execute it well. SIP -> Sunshine worked because there was an in-universe 5 year timeskip. it left you with this legacy that u's had left that people were trying to chase, and Aqours had to learn that they had to find their own radiance instead of trying to directly copy u's. u's was long gone from the story and never actually appeared in the present day and that worked really well and i think was the best decision they could have made because actually having them there i think would ruin the whole idea of legacies and how they can work (sorry for rambling on a bit here I really like Sunshine). even in Superstar and Nijigaku there are nods to SIP and Sunshine but the characters never actually appear. It's similar to the VBS story actually with Nagi and trying to carry her legacy (with the difference is that u's and aqours are still alive. probably.).

that got a bit rambly but what i'm trying to say is that if you want to do a completely new generation and retire the old ones completely, it has to be done in a way that doesn't rely to much on stuff like random coincidences. you need there to be solid reasons why some kid would look up to a group of 4 kids who performed at a disneyland equivalent or 4 kids who held a music event. obviously there will be development in their stories between now and new units being added but I think adding in a timeskip and saying "yeah, they went on to do this really big inspiring thing" would be much more effective than a bunch of new characters who are hugely inspired by a niche teen music group that honesly doesn't really have much of an impact on anything. the reason VBS' story with legacies works is because there's actual stakes. RADder was a hugely successful group that had CD sales, national tours and a member that became a successful independent artist worldwide. RAD WEEKEND, although more limited to Tokyo, was still massively popular and inspired many people to put on an event that will surpass it. RADder is a big name and a big inspiration and leaves big shoes to fill, and that's why it works so well because there's big goals to work towards.

also in some ways as well a bunch of characters surpassing RW2 just after we saw VBS&Co put on RW2 would be a little bit unsatisfying I think. RADder are side characters who people are less attached to than VBS, but if you were to introduce VBS2 just after the original, even if there's a timeskip, it would probably leave a bit of a bad taste for some fans of the original VBS who'd spent years following their story.

to throw my own personal wishes for the games story on here, i think doing something similar to bandori or d4dj would work best for them. as in, adding new units who kinda take centre stage but still having the old units getting events and stories of their own. we could have new characters to keep things fresh but still get to see the original 20 growing up, having their careers take off, facing more adult problems and such. you could have the OG20 around to mentor the new characters as well, and keep the whole tree sekai lore intact with that being something that revolves around the original 5 units (and actually fucking develop the lore holy shit colopale it's been 3 years don't drag it out another 3 and then actually reveal all the lore before then completely retiring it). ahaha maybe this is a bit too self-indulgent and wishful thinking because I am way too attached to the main 20 but also from the perspective of someone who has done screenwriting classes at college it does work.

#sorry this is a bit rambly lol i have a lot of thoughts about it #mod talks #asks

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skitskatdacat63 · 2 months

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Mark Alan, Count of Queanbeyan

+ explanation & lore

Okay first I'll explain the drawing itself, and then go into Mark's lore a bit, so stay with me!!!

First of all, yep. Mark with long hair. When I first conceptualized how he'd look in this au, I just genuinely could not imagine him with the typical long curly wig. And that irked me, bcs its just sooooooo historically inaccurate for him to have had short hair, no wig. I sketched him and Jense out as chibis, I drew Mark with short hair, and literally wrote "haha wow he looks so bad with long hair!!" Hello, can I take back that statement? It's actually shocking how good he looks???? Maybe it's a testament to my skill that I could make this work. But I did! And man, shameful to admit, but this might be my best portrait ever 😭😭 Funny tho, guy I've barely drawn, and never as detailed as this, ends up being one of my favs. Mark, you bastard!!

^ lmao as you can see, I tried out a more Seb type wig and then realized ahhhhh nah, he needs a different style. And it worked so, yay!!! I've thought a lot recently, "man it would suck back then if you looked shitty in a wig" and I rescind that. I'm telling you, you think a man would look bad in a wig? I say think again, you're just not conceptualizing the right type of wig for him.

Also wow, its crazy thst I can finally actually visually see what he would look like next to others like Seb and Fernando in this au. Hehehe look at them!!! The boys!!!! Just need Jense :,)

Anyways, I digress, some lore notes about Mark since I don't think I've really talked about him in this au on main much.

He is, of course, Seb's closest servant. His Groom of the Bedchamber(yes that term makes me feel rabid.) He's actually also based on a real guy, whom was described as the Emperor's "favorite" and despite not technically having very important positions, he had a lot of influence because of his closeness and connection with the Emperor. So, yeah, I think that's gives a pretty good pic of Mark in this au :)

He's actually pretty satisfied with his role, but he does feel a bitter and jealous when interacting with others like Jenson and Fernando. Because Mark doesn't have a title, well not in the same way. He's a count, not a King, not a Prince. Yes he's nobility, but not in the same way. And he's satisfied being under Seb, because that's what Mark was raised to do, take care of and keep Seb in line. But often realizes he's never going to be on par with him, not in the same way Fernando can, even if he's Seb's closest confidant.

To build on that. He's very satisfied with his role, and even continues to be satisfied when Fernando comes into the picture. Fernando and Seb don't get along, Mark is always going to be the closest to Seb, always going to know him the best, take care of him the best. But he realizes, he would never get to marry Seb, he's not ranked high enough for that. He was raised to do what's best for the Emperor, he's never going to be able to compete with Seb the same way Fernando can. He really wants Seb and Fernando to succeed! To grow closer! But it still really hurts sometimes.

His closest friend, other than Seb, is Jenson of course(and eventually Fernando, after they stop growling at each other like they're Seb's dogs.) But he does get bitter about Jenson sometimes. Jenson is a prince, who had some great performances in battle. But eventually got tired of that lifestyle, and "retired" to being part of Seb's court. Mark can't really understand that. How do you throw that level of prestige and freedom away. How do you just become the Emperor's servant, when that was never what you were born for. But also, I think Jense definitely uplifts him, they just get along so well, and Jense truly cares for him, no other motives :)

LOL sorry I realize how depressing this sounds 😭 I think all of the above is just Mark at his most bitter, but he's genuinely pretty happy. Think of the whole "not bad for a number 2 driver thing", that's him in this AU. He knows his station, and god damn it, he's gonna be the best, most loyal groom there ever was!! He just cares for Seb so deeply, and it truly is his life path to serve him. Seb cares for him too, feels like he can always rely on him and always be reassured by him and his eternal presence in Seb's life. It's nice to have someone you can always fall back on. Sometimes literally. Yes he makes Mark carry him to bed.

Not to stray away from just Mark, but aaaaahhh the Martian in this AU. Just Mark having to put up with Seb's brattiness all the time, and care for him all the time :) He's so tired of catching Seb naked tho...Seb please put clothes on, this is not befitting of your station. Seb takes Mark with him everywhere, and they share the same bed on trips. Mark is always the first Seb goes to to ask his opinion. I said earlier that Mark feels like he cannot challenge Seb in the same way Fernando can, but Seb really wants him to honestly! He loves hearing Mark's thoughts and opinions. Mark is widely known as Seb's favorite, and is often seen as the second authority in the palace and in the court.

As for Webbonso? I think they really dislike each other in the beginning just because the roles that they're in. They both feel like they're pitted against each other, and ir doesn't help that Seb loves to tease them and often favor one in front of the other(he later realizes how shitty this is, and tries to rectify it, because he never intended to make them actually jealous, he just loves being bratty.) Eventually they realize they're in extremely similar situations(both beholden to and stuck eternally with the Emperor), and find comfort in each other in that.

Yep that's right...the palace is honestly one big polycule djkfkglg. But I hope thay explains Mark in this AU well enougg???? All you need to know: Seb's long-suffering servant.

#heres mark in a wig. if thats your thing! a thing that. no one asked for :)#BUT WAAAAAHHHHH MAN IM SO PROUD OF THIS HONESTLY #how the fuck does he look so handsome???????#i never in a million years thought this wouldve worked. but yep! it does!#but i will say. bro looks like he should be on a dollar bill dhfkkglv #okay anyways yes i understand that this is extremely niche and very confusing to anyone outside my circle #but i hope you like it even if not????? im super proud of this one 🤭🤭#my first time rly drawing him honestly. every other time has been chibis or an obstructed view #BUT THIS. THREW MYSELF INTO THE DEEP END. and i didn't drown!#gotta draw jense next. and his silly bicorn hat. cause hes that kinda guy #i was gonna put mark and jense together. but man i hate keeping art to myself that i finished already #im proud of it! must click post! no hoarding!! or ill never post it lol #aaaahh man im getting drawing men im surprised #im so happy w his expression. w his squiggly eyebrows. he looks very introspective #f1 #formula 1 #mark webber #boy king au #catie.rambling.txt #catie.art.#*sometimes I realize. man if i just took away the historical clothing and wigs and stuff #my art would have such a wider appeal 😭😭#but then i realize. nah i dont give a shit. i draw what i want!!! and you guys will take 1700s Mark and you will LIKE IT

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messy-does-cosmology · 4 months

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Guyssss OK I'm happy posting today because me and my partner just moved into actual Durham (we used to live in Bowburn which was just shit. It was at least 20 mins away on the bus, and it was likely that the bus would be at least 20-30 minutes away anyway). We started the move yesterday and then finished it today. We managed to get 3 rooms "done" (as in, you can move around in them and use them like normal), which took SOOO long, but was so worth it. We also walked into town, which felt amazing. Just conceptually having nice places within walking distance was not something we had in Bowburn. Well, there was a good local vegan bakery but it wasn't a place we would eat in.

I'm just so so happy about this move. Everything feels more coherent now. Everything makes more sense. Also, don't tell my mum yet lol, but I got another tattoo!! I've been wanting a new one for years so I got one yesterday. It's of the sun. I just really feel like, in the northern winter, I need a bit of sun. But also like my life has been really hard emotionally for the past year, and I need a bit of sun like that too. I like to get new tattoos to represent the places I live, so have wanted a new one for a while. Honestly I have wanted a new one since covid and just couldn't come up with an idea I liked.

Anyway, I slept 9 hours last night and I'm still tired, so I'm going to bed lol. My fitbit has been screaming at me to rest.

#personal

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ohgodmyeyes · 7 months

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Hello love, I got someone else hooked to disassembly and we both can’t wait for updates to resume when possible ❤️

hey! i'd been meaning to do this for a couple of days, because you've been so unimaginably kind and patient.

i didn't anticipate ever needing such a long break from a creative project; but then, i've also never poured quite this much of myself into that kind of endeavour before. (*not sure whether i'm talking about disassembly by itself, or my anakin stuff in all its entirety, not that it especially matters in-context.)

anyway, because you trusted me enough to recommend it to someone new after watching it go so long without an update, i feel like i owe it to you to show you what i've written for it over the past couple of days. it's unedited, so there might be typos or notes or continuity problems or (most likely) egregious word repetition; despite that, i hope it measures up conceptually to the rest of the story.

i also hope it reassures anyone who's been in doubt that this fic means more to me than ever, and isn't far from being updated. i've loved working on it again, and i hope a few of the people who engaged with it before will enjoy coming back to it too.

i'm not going to shoot myself in the foot by deigning to offer a timeline, but i will say that there are approximately 700 words worth of SPOILERS for Disassembly behind the cut — including the baby's name!

if you would rather wait until the chapter is completed to read it, DO NOT LOOK BEHIND THE CUT.

for any/everyone else... well, i hope i'm off to a good start. (and for god's sake, pls be gentle if i'm not lol.)

...

"Liam. Do you like it?"

"Sure. I mean, I don't not like it. But I thought you said you wanted to pick something to make my dad happy, since Leia already used 'Ben'."

"...I thought I did. Didn't he ever tell you about his mom's old fiancé? They were going to get married; he treated your dad like he was his own kid, but he died before the wedding ever happened."

"...Oh. Right. I— I'm sure he must have mentioned him, at least once or twice."

...

Even now, you had no idea whether Luke had been feigning his familiarity with the name you'd chosen for your son. Maybe Anakin had told him; maybe he hadn't: Both possibilities seemed equally likely to you. All you really knew was that Anakin had disclosed the information to you while you'd been sitting on his couch with him, late one evening back at his old house. You'd been drinking that night, just passing a bottle back-and-forth while you watched the news scroll by together— not that you ever planned on revealing to Luke that particular bit of the story.

All Luke needed to know was the name itself, and the barest explanation as to why you'd picked it.

"I barely remember telling you about that," Anakin murmured from his seat next to your hospital bed, glancing up from the tiny bundle in your arms through a few stray strands of his own hair. His eyes were tired, but he looked happy anyway— happier, even, than you'd seen him since that last time he'd smiled at you in the car, after seeing his cardiologist. That hadn't been so long ago; now, though, it felt like another lifetime.

In more than one way, you supposed it sort of was.

Liam squirmed, prompting you to look down at him, too, but he didn't wake up. It had only been (maybe) an hour since he'd been pulled out of you; you'd placed him on your breast as soon as the nurse managing the ward had locked your bed into position and handed him off to you, but he hadn't suckled for very long before falling into what appeared to be a fairly restful sleep.

You hoped you'd fed him correctly: The next time he did wake up, you thought, you would have to ask someone for help.

"We'd both had a lot to drink that night," you said to Anakin, with as quiet a laugh as you could muster. "I'm actually almost surprised I remember— but something about it must have stuck with me."

Anakin chuckled back, but didn't appear to have anything else to say just then— evidently too wrapped up in the baby to give anything else very much of his attention. You recalled what you'd learned from Luke about how he and Leia had come into the world; by the time their dad had seen them with his own eyes, they were already more than a week old: Having been greeted, fed, changed, held, and dressed for days and days by people who weren't him.

Liam, in contrast, had almost certainly seen more of Anakin's face in his first sixty minutes of life than he had of yours— and it was Anakin who'd held him first, and taken photos of him first, too— not to mention given you the most helpful advice you'd received so far concerning diaper changes.

Fortunately for you, not knowing quite how to feel about any of that made it a lot easier to remember to try not to feel too much of anything about it at all.

"Have you heard anything from Luke yet?" you asked Anakin, not necessarily wanting to hear the answer.

"No, but I wouldn't expect him to call me. You should probably check your phone."

It had probably taken you the better part of an hour to shower and dress following your 'encounter' with Luke in the hallway, you thought; after that, you'd spent perhaps fifteen or twenty minutes in transit in the back of the taxi, and then another hour or so being evaluated before your c-section. Then there had been the operation itself, followed by your time in the recovery room, not to mention the time you and Anakin had already spent fawning over Liam—

"...You're right," you admitted, thinking about the way Luke tended to wake up early when he'd been drinking. "I probably should."

Your phone had been wrapped up in the clothes you'd come in wearing, and placed on the table next to the bed: Maybe by Anakin, or maybe by a nurse; you couldn't know. After gently depositing Liam into the bassinet on the opposite side of the bed (lifting your arms to do so precipitated a distinct stabbing sensation in the muscles close to where you'd been cut open, which you expertly ignored), you untangled it from your leggings and lit up the screen.

"Shit," you said— out loud, without meaning to.

"What?" asked Anakin, seeming almost to come out of a trance.

"...Luke thinks something happened to you. I— well, I think he might be on his way here soon." The prospect of Luke showing up at the hospital (maybe even still half-drunk) shouldn't have filled you with dread, but it did. By some miracle, your brain didn't even chastise you for your lack of enthusiasm; maybe, you thought, even it couldn't blame you.

Anakin paused, as if to think. He'd been doing a lot more of that recently, and so it wasn't difficult (for you, anyway) to remember to wait. It wasn't that his brain 'didn't work', as he seemed to have taken to characterizing it; rather, it was that it didn't work as quickly as he or anyone around him was accustomed to it working.

He was still himself, and he could even still act like it, too— just so long as you gave him enough time.

"...How does he know where we are?" he finally asked, all of a sudden making you regret your own patience, at least that time.

"What?" you asked back, this time intending to buy a few seconds for yourself instead.

"How does Luke know we're here, at the hospital? If he'd called, they would have told us."

Great job. Are you going to tell him about the dog tracker you put in his leg, now?

...No. No, fuck you.

"He must have told the computer at home that I lost my phone," you lied.

"Oh," said Anakin, followed by another long and thoughtful pause. "...Are you sure you're okay with that?"

You laughed, and laughed bitterly; you didn't mean to, exactly, but you also supposed that if anyone was liable to understand, it was almost certainly Anakin. "It doesn't matter whether or not I'm okay with it," you told him, stealing a guilty glance in Liam's direction as it occurred to you that you should probably start trying to be a bit more quiet for his sake.

"I think it matters," said Anakin. "If you don't feel like seeing him right now, then—"

"Then I'll see him anyway," you finished decidedly, looking down to offer a poke to your own still-tingling legs because you didn't want to look up at Anakin just then. Something like a cramp seemed to run through one of them; right up into where you'd been cut open, but it didn't hurt so much as it felt foreign: Enough to bother you, but not in a way that was liable to make you say 'ow'. "If I start treating him differently now, it's only going to make things worse for all of us."

"Before tonight I probably would have said the same thing, but—"

"But nothing. Did you forget what we talked about before— when I was still in the shower?"

Anakin shot you a look. "No. No, I didn't 'forget'— actually, I'm starting to think I remember it better than you do; I'm not the one who's been making excuses for him this whole time."

"I'm not 'making excuses'," you said, all of a sudden too tired to bother to mask the hurt in your voice. "I'm trying to hold all of this together long enough to give Liam the kind of life he deserves. He's only a baby; he can't grow up with Luke and I hating each other."

"He doesn't have to." Anakin looked past you, and over at the little hospital bassinet instead. "...I really wasn't joking when I said I thought you should call someone. If you leave now, Luke will—"

"Luke will dump you in the veteran's home, and none of us will ever see each other again," you hissed, cutting him off as sharply and deliberately as you could without shouting at him. "You say you haven't forgotten, but we've been over this more than once, and—"

"And every single time we do 'go over it', it gets worse! I didn't agree to move in because I thought it was a good idea; I did it to make you happy— because you thought we could keep flying under the radar, and I wanted to trust you. We're not anymore, though, whether we like it or not, and Luke—"

"Luke is going to be a great dad! You might not have been able to give him the tools to be a husband, but I know he's going to be a good father; all you have to do is let him try. Anyway, I need him as much as I need you... especially now," you added, with yet another glance in the direction of Liam's tiny, sleeping form.

"You don't need either of us," said Anakin, shaking his head. "You could do it alone, and I think you probably should."

You winced at his bluntness, not that you hadn't expected it. He'd said the same thing about Leia and her boyfriend, after all: Projecting his own fears around intimacy onto the people he cared about; pretending it was hard-earned wisdom instead. You supposed he could very well have been both 'correct' and 'projecting' at the same time, but...

...

AND THAT'S IT FOR NOW. i was tired last night and whatever else i wrote after that is still gibberish. back to it tonight, though, i hope. i would be lying if i said i didn't feel anxious and rusty, but it's okay to feel that way once in a while.

anyway... 'Liam' is a deliberate reference to Liam Neeson, because of course 'Qui-Gon' doesn't exactly fit into the AU. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea to shoehorn a brand-new character into anakin's past for the sole purpose of justifying the name, but at the end of the day, it's not the clumsiest thing i've ever done as a writer (even within this story).

there's a chance i might go back and add a scene to an earlier chapter so that it isn't too jarring to new readers, but part of me also thinks it's fine the way it is. they've had lots of time to talk, frankly, and we were never going to hear all of the conversations, were we...?

anyway, i'm obviously not going to tag the ships or let people reblog this... but if you happen to know of someone who might appreciate it, you're more than welcome to link them. hopefully i'll see you again soon.

thank you, @lilahelynora — and everyone/anyone else who's been in any way patient with me recently (i'd tag a few other special people too, but frankly i don't want to bother them). it all means more than you know.

#thank you #disassembly #spoilers #this answers a couple of asks i hope #unedited writing #i kind of hope no one notices this buuuttt

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sanisse · 2 years

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I started reading the fic because I got very curious and

Eldritch Peredhel? What does it imply exactly?

oh please this is a dangerous ask. I could ramble about Eldritch Peredhel for hours.

It's a fanon thing that all of the Elrond/Luthien/Elros/etc. stans pass around and interpret differently, but basically it's the concept of...well...due to the maiar/ainur genetics, Peredhel may be a bit....eldritch, so like weird, perhaps a bit sinister-feeling, perhaps a bit creepy, and usually outside of something which our human brains can conceptualize or wrap around fully. They often set off the uncanny valley alarm. It also usually includes extra superpowers.

For me, I base my Eldritch Peredhel headcannons drawing from what we know of Melian the Maia (the most powerful Singer, able to create the Girdle of Melian/Doriath which turned the woods into a maze which confused unwanted foes and outsiders so they couldn't find their way in or out --more on that later--), Luthien (flowers popping up when she sang or danced, the ability to solo-out Morgoth himself, and Tolkien's descriptions of her in the lay of luthien), and then direct knowledge of what we know about the nature of Maiar and the Ainur.

Re: the Girdle of Melian, I think it’s very significant that the descriptions of the Girdle are extremely similar to the descriptions of the road to Rivendell. I actually don’t think Elrond is using Vilya to hide the Valley. I think that’s intuitive magic from the line of Melian that runs in his blood. Perhaps enhanced by Vilya, but the descriptions that Tolkien gives are so incredibly similar that I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that Elrond is lauded as having an immense connection to Music, and possibly the best current Voice in all of Middle Earth, considering Melian and Luthien’s abilities.

So... for Elrond, my main headcannons are as follows, HUGE post under the cut:

Most noticeably, his eyes are flecked with actual stars. That’s how he got his name (Vault of Heaven, Star Dome, Firmament, depending on who you ask about the translation). They glow a bit, and will turn into constellations and glow a lot if he’s a bit out of control of himself (high stress, tired, high emotion, has recently used a lot of his power, or...yeah....sex :D )

He heals using Songs of Power -- all Elves have access to Songs of Power, but Elrond has an especially strong connection via the line of Melian. Vilya definitely enhances his abilities to an extreme degree, but he can do crazy things that a normal healer would not be able to do (like transcending into the spiritual/astral realm and dragging someone’s soul back from the dead...an immense expense of effort and could possibly KILL him, but he does it anyway). Using his power like this is extremely exhausting and physically damaging. He always has to rest afterward and he does have limits. These limits are pushed out by Vilya, but he still DOES have them.

Re: songs of power: he has the ability to physically shape reality with his voice. I usually manifest this in the best bedtime stories. Like is he singing the lay of Luthien? Congrats you’ve got flowers blooming on your bedspread. Singing the tale of Nolofinwe dueling Morgoth to the death? You’ve got a live movie of it flashing around in the fire.

As mentioned above: he disguises the Hidden Valley using intuitive magic from his Ainur genetics. He can do this in even smaller/less noticeable ways (say, he doesn’t want to be bothered in his office today, so suddenly you can’t find it and the halls keep doubling back on themselves and you forget what you came for and eventually wander away).

During times of extreme emotion, or extreme expense of his powers, he will look less and less Elven/Mannish, and more and more Eldritch. He masks himself on a regular basis so as not to frighten others. So how this manifests in my head...I base it by taking Tolkien’s description of Luthien literally. His eyes literally glow with gray starlight, his hair literally becomes a roiling mass of ink...almost like it’s rending a hole in the fabric of space and time, he grows and lengthens (like how Gandalf does when he confronts Bilbo), and also feels bigger. Like, spiritually bigger. Like okay he’s physically this size but he feels like he swallows sunlight and fills the whole goddamn room. If he is angry, he radiates white-hot starlight from inside of himself to the point that it’s lighting up capillaries and veins, you wouldn’t really recognize him, and he can pretty much just rip you apart on a molecular level. Think like...bloodbending, from ATLA.

Now, re: the above, but when very happy, (like, say, in the throes of an orgasm...), he will look bewitchingly gorgeous. (Re, Thingol becoming bewitched by Melian and staring into her eyes for thousands of years). He can actually kind of almost...bewitch people in the same way in this state, but he doesn’t intend to. He still glows with starlight, his eyes will fleck with constellations and nebulae, and when he orgasms (i think about this way too much) he becomes extremely eldritch, like just a riot of stardust that you can’t really comprehend. And afterwards he just is like, this arcane thing that you can’t make sense of, feels like he could enfold you and swallow you whole but like in a good way.

Differences between emotions will effect the kind of Eldritch he feels. Like, for instance if he’s happy then you’ll go “wow what a gorgeous night sky in your eyes!”, if he’s trying to intimidate someone, his gaze will give you a sense of vertigo, like suddenly you’re hanging over the vast expanse of space and might fall in. If he is sad, upset, or fading, his eyes will just be like, vacant. The empty void of endless space -- a black hole, almost. Is he trying to figure out what you’re thinking and delve into your innermost being? You’ll start to feel like you’re being watched by a thousand, thousand different eyes from all directions. Is he trying to comfort you? He can physically find your rhythm in your soul and kind of slow it down and anchor it to himself.

Another note: when he loses control of himself for any reason, he starts to like, be there and not there and flicker between thousands of different forms in a millisecond. It’s hard to explain... he did this a lot as a child and it really freaked Mae and Mags out lmao. The “flickering between a thousand different forms at once” I actually pull from Tolkien’s description of him in the Hobbit and in Fellowship. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean it that way but....

"The face of Elrond was ageless, neither old nor young, though in it was written the memory of many things both glad and sorrowful. His hair was dark as the shadows of twilight, and upon it was set a circlet of silver; his eyes were grey as a clear evening, and in them was a light like the light of stars. Venerable he seemed as a king crowned with many winters, and yet hale as a tried warrior in the fulness of his strength. He was the Lord of Rivendell and mighty among both Elves and Men."

Genderqueer and bisexual (almost pan) - Tolkien is very clear that Ainur have no gender and no set sexuality, and can choose at any time.

Shapeshifts to a small degree, often without really intending to. Canonically, Ainur can change forms at will (we see this most often with Sauron pre losing the Ring). Elrond can do this in a small way, like if a book is too high up for him he can lengthen to reach it rather than grabbing a stepladder, lol. He often does stuff like this without meaning to. And also...his physical proportions will change on a day-to-day basis in small ways, but that’s outside of his control and actually super annoying because it’s hard to find clothes that fit and he feels good in.

I feel like I probably have more of these but those are the main ones!

#sanisse speaks #elrond #Tolkien meta #this is going to EXPOSE me if anyone happens to read my main blog's fics lmao #these are SO hyperspecific to me as a writer and no one else in the silm fandom has these exact headcannons

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cringelordofchaos · 6 days

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Eyyy, remember this, that, and oh, also that post ? No? Ok. still gonna talk about it

Anyway. About Ultra Chaos Knuckles -

Originally, I meant for the design to be a hypothetical for what the power of the master emerald could be used for. (Not that Knuckles would willingly use it, of course... But that's something I have said multiple times.)

However, now I'm thinking of something quite the opposite-

Basically, the form would stem from the "regular" super form, involving the 7 chaos emeralds... But without the ME's influence on the emeralds. Meaning that the energy of the chaos emerald would be completely and utterly scattered and not controllable. Now, how would one achieve this form? How would one remove the power of the master emerald? Great questions. I don't bave the answers to them(as of yet).

I'm not sure if I should just make a separate form for this concept, or just replace it with the original concept of ultra Chaos knuckles. Or if I should make a different form for the original concept. Or just leave it like this. I might think about it more later.

But I've also been thinking, with how utterly chaotic this fork would be, it would also probably result in death (??) cause let's ne honest, would pure, unfiltered, uncontrolled power of the chaos emeralds NOT kill a single simple living organism, such as a mobian? It seems unlikely that uncontrollable power would ever be sustainable and non-lethal. So if I ever write a fanfic with it, the character in this form is probably gonna die

Anyway. I forgot to mention, that the ultra Chaos form actually accentuates and powers up already existing (stronger) attributes to its maximum capacity. Such as, if the living organism is more strong than fast, they're going to be EXTREMELY strong, and somewhat (?) fast. Another thing is that, on Ultra Chaos knuckles' design, you can notice on his chest that there is a moon depicted or something. Well, in case Sonic would go ultra chaos mode, he would have a sun on his belly instead (because while knuckles' character was conceptualized, he was meant to be the opposite of sonic, both design and personality wise, one of the traits being the moon crescent on his chest, that's supposed to be the opposite of sonics round belly, meant to.. look like a sun? apparently. I got this from the sonknux shipping wiki from like a year ago so I might've remembered something incorrectly but yeah that's not the point of this post.)

Anyway sidenote I FUCKING DESPISE the name "ultra chaos" for the form, because it's literally the first thing I thought of like, a YEAR ago, so I might change it, I just haven't thought of a better name as of yet

If I formed any grammatical errors on this post it's because I'm tired and my head hurts (probably) so don't be too harsh on me

#ultra chaos knuckles #sth #sonic #sonic the hedgehog #super sonic #<sorta #chaos energy #chaos emeralds #the master emerald #master emerald #knuckles the echidna #Sonic au #<sort of #toki rambles #sonic posting #knuckles

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ladyelainehilfur · 2 months

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Watched Wish last night! I'd previously seen a bunch of videos criticizing it for this and that, and while some arguments hold up (I just know someone down at Disney has their head in their hands, wondering why the soundtrack didn't blow up like Encanto did even though it had the same musical bones), I ended up really enjoying the movie anyway. The animation also wasn't as bad as people made it out to be.

Maybe it's because I'm not hard to please as someone who's liked Miraculous Ladybug for 8 years, but I did find story decent, the humor was pretty good, Asha was quirky but not annoyingly so imo, and I can tell a lot of heart was put into the movie, even if it ultimately failed at capturing an audience.

People (mainly adults) complained about Asha's friends and their lack of personality and depth. I thought they were fine as they were, and not every character needs a backstory. My favorite part of the movie was the Dopey friend character. I actively looked forward to his lines, and Grumpy never got on my nerves either. The others were kinda boring, but they didn't take away from my enjoyment of the story. I probably laughed out loud because the people in the audience were cracking up, but the fact that it made a room without a single minor in it burst out laughing multiple times must mean they did something right.

Oh, and Star was SO cute!! Him and his little ball of yarn🥺 Starboy this, Starboy that--look me in the eyes and tell me Star was worth switching out for a sunshine version of Jack Frost. [okay maybe he was, but I'm tired of people hyping up a character who never got past the conceptual phase!!]

Plus! Plus! I don't care that the Queen wasn't evil and we didn't get a villain couple! Do y'all really believe the writing could've been saved by the Queen being evil if the evil king we got was so mid?? (I like Chris Pine as a voice actor, it's not his fault Magnefico was the least interesting part of the movie).

I can see people coming back to this movie in ten years and saying "oh it's actually pretty good, people should've given it a chance". It's obviously not perfect (songs with good melodies but weak rhythm and lyrics, generally uninteresting villain, heavy-handed Disney references, not enough Dario being introspective!!).

But yoooo, this movie isn't for you. It was obviously written for kids, and kids will fricking love it! It is very family friendly, it's funny, and for an origin story about the wishing star, it's not bad. (Insert theory about Asha training successors to be fairy godmothers). It's not a home-run, but people need to stop talking about it like it's the worst thing Disney's ever put out. Not everything needs to be a masterpiece to deserve basic respect.

#you know what #screw you #*disagrees with your popular opinions about Wish which is a perfectly fine kids movie*#disney wish #and quite frankly #LE addresses the nation

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bbbeowulf · 4 months

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YIPPEE I HOPE EVERYONE HAD A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON AND HAS A HAPPY NEW YEARRRRR!!!!

I have a lot of art resolutions that I wanna get through this year so I figured I would share them with all of you… VIA BINGO CARD!!

Bingo card inspired by AlmaKRowan on Twitter/X!!

List and explanations below the cut!!

Architecture: I want to learn how to draw buildings, rooms, etc.!!

Adopts: I want to make adopts!!

KOI character refs: Reference sheets for the characters in my story “Knights of Irene”!!

ArtFight: I’m gonna aim for 20 attacks/revenges, but we’ll see!!

GraVT piece: a group picture of the indie VTuber group I’m in, GraVT!!

Animated Illustration: I’VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THIS FOR YEARS MY TIME IS NOW

Animal studies: learn how to draw animals better

PNGtuber+ comm: I made one for myself (see it HERE) but I want someone to commission me for one >:,(

VTuber redesign: potentially maybe redesign my VTuber (even tho I literally just killed myself making the PNG+ model but WHATEVER IM ON DRUGS IG)

Leo TOTIKFR animatic: animatic for my OC Leo to the song “The Only Thing I Know For Real” by Tyson Yen

Digital painting: IVE BEEN WANTING TO LEARN HOW TO DIGITALLY PAINT/RENDER BUT I CANNOT WRAP MY HEAD AROUND IT BUT I WANNA TRYYY

Holiday YCH: YCH comms for major holidays!!

Snow Fairy MAP: I have a part in @jurygarroth’s Snow Fairy MAP so I need to get that done :D

Art Prints: I WANNA SELL ART PRINTS RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bug studies: I wanna learn how to draw bugs :3c

OC sticker sheets: I wanna make (AND SELL) sticker sheets of my OCs (and maybe other fandom characters like MLP and stuff!! We’ll see.)

RP movie posters: movie poster style illustrations of my active role plays!!

DTIYS: I WANNA MAKE ONE AND PEOPLE PARTICIPATE PLZZZZ 😭😭 JUST ONE PERSON PLZ I BEG

Emotes: re-do my twitch/discord emotes

Sell canvases @ gallery: I have an art gallery in my town that I wanna apply for and sell some irl artwork!!

YCH comms: more YCH comms!!

Lobelia lore animatic: lore animatic for my VTuber

Pose studies: learn how to draw poses better

KOI cover: book cover for “Knights of Irene”

Abaddon Webcomic: this is a HARD maybe, but I’ve tried to make this webcomic happen 2 or 3 different times and I always got sick and tired of it before I got ANYWHERE with it. I think if I take it in more of a mini comic approach like Shen or Merryweather!!

There are a few more ideas I had that I didn’t put on my bingo!!

Leo’s Final Form: conceptualize Leo’s final form and draw the finalized version

Backgrounds: get better at drawing backgrounds

Foliage: get better at drawing foliage

Color Theory: learn color theory

Interesting shading: play around with colors and shade with different colors perhaps to make it pop?

Aphmau art: draw more Aphmau art

KOI: Finish planning out KOI and potentially start writing it? It’s not art in the sense of it being written not drawn but whatever I wanna do this

Commissions: keep doing commissions! I wanna try to do at least 20 this year 👉👈

Art trades: do some art trades with people outside of ArtFight!!

Art raffle: do an art raffle 🧍

Draw my FRIENDSSS: I WANNA DRAW MY FRIENDS WAHHHHHHHHHH

GET HIRED BY YORUNOMACHI: *on my hands and knees sobbing, begging, throwing up*

Do Aphtober/Cringetober/some form of tober AND FINISH: I doubt I’ll finish lmfao

Make OC profiles on UnVale: it’s like toyhouse but it doesn’t make me want to kms when using it

Learn VTuber Rigging: I just wanna know how to do it :3

Anyways I’m sure there’s more but this is just a list of everything I can think of off the top of my head! A week from now I might decide to not do any of this LMFAO! But we’ll see how much I actually do this year!! Yippee!!

Happy new year everyone!!

#anyways yeah I totally recommend that anyone does this bc I think it’ll be fun!!#if I don’t know what to draw I can just check my bingo card and pick my poison :3c #art #2024 resolutions #art bingo #bingo card #text post

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kaleidosouls · 8 months

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hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

#personal #just how ive been/thougths/rambling

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genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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I stumbled across your blog today and it really resonated with me. I’ve been struggling with my gender for a long time—I identify as bigender, transmasc, butch, genderfluid, and ambonec. I just feel tired, almost. My identities feel so deeply in conflict. Also, I am so confused about the divide between body/mind for me—it’s truly difficult. One thing which I hold dear conceptually is that my transness is bodily—but it’s also social and abstract. It’s just hard for me, and I feel like I want to take on so many identities but I already feel comfortable in my testosterone+ body.

Previous anon here (idk if this clears that up but this is only semi-related anyway), I also have different identities associated with different names and pronouns, and it’s so confusing. I keep using different ones online but don’t know what to do about it?

i feel that, sometimes you've got a lot going on and it can be a bit overwhelming. i think the thing i've learned most recently is you don' t necessarily have to always use the same name or pronouns online especially if you're only in a particular space for a short time. it's okay if you just try stuff out often, it's not a problem that necessarily needs to be solved unless it bothers you because you personally don't want a changing or unstable identity.

it's not a bad thing, it's okay if you need to see what fits or just enjoy having a fluid identity, you know? i hope you're able to sort things out, take care of yourself, i'm glad you feel a bit less alone!

#asks #answers #bigender

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the-insomniac-emporium · 1 year

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Tag Game Thing

ayyyye another one (but not one from when I was drifting in the timeless void of Conceptually Tuesday), got tagged by @chthonicsiren , gonna tag @melthedwarf because I can >:) (edit: tagged the wrong person first cuz tumblr autofilled the url, sorry!)

1: Are you named after anyone? Yes! My birth name/not-quite-deadname is a tribute to my ma's maiden name. Without saying what either are, I'll just say that her maiden name followed a patronymic format (ex: Johnson), and my birth name is one of the feminine variants/related named (ex: Johanna?). My chosen name, Jordan Van Daalen, is a fun one! My friend and I were in drama class together, and were paired up for an assignment where we had to write a short script (we were given random phrases to start and end the scene with). We're both Huge Fucking Nerds, so we went Overboard, basically fleshing out both of our characters (and then we napped on each other). Jordan Van Daalen was what a random name generator gave me for my character. Less than a year later I realized I am some sort of non-binary, and decided to use that lil name as my future name, as well as eventual pen name :D

2: When was the last time you cried? Uh. Okay, so, like... sometimes when I'm really tired but can't sleep, I'll start improvising a little song? Just, like, whisper singing to myself? And it usually ends up being an emotional ballad about old traumas (or, you know, stuff from whatever media I've been binging)? also when I yawn my eyes water a tiny bit? so what I'm saying is that every time I can't sleep and end up singing dumb little songs, I end up crying. how often does that happen, you ask? well, buddy, I picked this url for a good reason. (it was probably yesterday)

3:Do you have kids? Does being the oldest in the friend group (and also being the dad friend) count? because I am the Father of some of these gremlins. no? oh. well, I am going to an auncle/ent soon, so that's close enough :D

4: Do you use sarcasm a lot? Depends on my mood? I'm less sarcastic than my brother, but definitely more sarcastic than either of my parents. I know that means nothing to any of you, but hey, that's my answer.

5: What's the first thing you notice about people? Uhhhhhhh if they give off gay vibes asdfghjkl; Honestly it varies, which I feel like is a given? I look for things that stand out- colored hair, piercings, if they have any jewelry, etc.

6: What color are your eyes? Okay, well, my ID says hazel, I used to describe it as "hazel green/green hazel", and I think a poet might describe my eyes as something like "sea foam green around sandy brown". However, a Certified Dick could just as easily call my eyes "snot green with a pinch of yellow". Could also just shrug and go "muddy green?". except in some lightings the "green" part seems like it might be vaguely blue, and I have been slowly driving myself insane trying to figure out a consistent color palette I can use when drawing self portraits/inserts because I can't get a decent pic of my eye to use a reference and I'm too awkward to ask someone (with less shaky hands) to do it for me. anyway, I spent ten minutes drawing what is arguably the best attempt I've ever made at making an accurate portrayal of my eye color:

7: Scary movies or happy endings? Generally speaking I prefer happy endings, but it feels weird to separate that from scary movies. However, I don't tend to watch many genuinely scary movies? I like horror comedies. I also very much enjoy watching shitty/low quality horror movies and roasting the fuck out of 'em. Humor is part of how I cope with actual scary movies/games too, though. That and pretending to try and scare the monsters :3 running through the scary dark hallway going "a-boogily-boogily-boo!" and rapidly snapping the camera from side to side like I'm jumping out at people. the monster goes rawr? I SAY IT LOUDER

8: Any special talents? I mean, I think most folks who follow me on here know that I've got a bit of talent in several types of art/creativity (music and writing are probably my big two)? But I can also beatbox a little, my arms are weirdly flexible (possible double-jointed at the shoulders?), and I am surprisingly good at picking things up/throwing them with my feet. That last one is 50% for throwing dog toys and 50% for picking up small things I dropped when I don't want to bend over. Weird? Yes. A talent? Probably not.

9: Where were you born? I think I was born in Seattle, WA, USA. It was definitely in the Seattle area, it just might have technically been a neighboring city.

10: What are your hobbies? Other than the aforementioned artsy shit, I play a lot of video games, in a variety of genres. My favorites are probably the Mass Effect series, Fallout: New Vegas, Persona 5: Royal, Horizon: Zero Dawn, and Spider-Man PS4. I need you to know how difficult it was for me to not list over a dozen games. Please understand. THERE ARE SO MANY GOOD GAMES FUCK. Also, idk if it super counts as a hobby in other people's minds, but I love LEGOs! My room is filled with them :D

11: Have you any pets? None that are, like, fully legally mine. My household has a dog, Bella, but I am unfortunately her least favorite. She loves letting me give her chin scritches first thing in the morning though :')

12: What sports do you play/have you played? KENDO, BITCHES. GET SMACKED WITH BAMBOO

13: How tall are you? Soooooo tall. Massive. Giant. A true, genuine image of a Viking Warrior.. ... ..... in other words I'm 5 feet and 3.5 inches. the .5 is incredibly important to me. On a good day with boots I can almost pass off as 5'5" tho, soooooo. I'm also built like a shit brickhouse (yes I know that's not the correct saying), so at least tall people can't throw me (I throw them)

14: Favorite subject in school? Three-way tie between English/Language Arts, Drama/Theatre, and Art class!

15: Dream job? Writer, artist, all around generally a Professional Nuisance. Maybe taking the place of a forgotten, half-dead God at a lonely shrine, slowly restoring it until it's something worth remembering, eagerly having unforgettable conversations with the rare passerby, never gaining enough fame or worship to have any real power over the world. Just enough to be a face that lingers in your memories, in your dreams, the little voice you hear when you need it most.

#tag game

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quetzalpapalotl · 2 years

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Tag 10 people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @inktheblot <3

Relationship status: [redacted]

Favourite colour: Guess.

Favourite food: this is hard, is not my favorite in general, but chiken nuggest are kind of my go-to

Song stuck in your head: Nanibito mo kataru koto nashi (no one has anything to say)

Last thing you googled: Image search for "dmmd ren bad end" vore go brrr

Time: 5:31 pm

Dream trip: Eh, i suppose traveling anywhere is an experience, it's hard to pick a single place.

Last book you read: House of leaves. I keep forgetting to post my thoughts on it.

Last book you enjoyed reading: House of leaves. It Was An Experience.

Last book you hated reading: sadly, it was a book written by a friend of mine which was... really bad, yeah, I tried so had to like it but... yeah

Favourite thing to cook/bake: I like making soups, though in general cooking just for me is a drag. There are these brownie peannut butter cookies I love to make but I don't have an oven, so no baking for me,

Favourite craft to do in your spare time: I recently joined an art clas because my friends invited me, my progress is small but it has been a lot of fun.

Most niche dislike: Wheat tortillas, tho disliking them is not that niche here, I do hate them more than average it seems.

Opinion on circus(es) now and in history: I know I've been to a circus, I can't remember it. I also have a cousin who considered running away with her trapezist boyfriend, he was really good. I guess I don't know much about them. Years ago they passed a law that forbid spectacle animals like the ones in the circus. Which was good because they were heavily abused. However, there weren't any measures of what to do with the animals, so most of them died. Which goes to show that just making laws that forbid things is pointless if you don't arrange for a system to deal with teh consequences.

Do you have a sense of direction and if not what is the worst way you ever got lost: I have a bad sense of direction because I struggle to conceptualize space as a whole and my memory of places sort of registers everything at its own individual thing. I haven't gotten seriously lost because if I really don't know where I am, I can pull up a map on my phone. But before I had one, when I was a teen, I spend a whole afternoon walking the center of my hometown trying to find this specific place and I couldn't so after tiring of walking I went back home, but that one was just a matter of finding a familiar street so I wasn't really lost.

Tag 10 people: Mmm I'm kinda shy and Lee already tagged like half the people I would have tagged anyway, so I'm just going to tag a few I'm 100% sure won't be presumptuous of me to do so and anyone else can feel free to blame it on me @lord-squiggletits @baebeyza @mocacheezy @megatronismegagone @aturinfortheworse @heliopauseentertainments @withered-tears @heavywithhoping

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