#I guess I’m just thinking that I’m not non binary enough compared to others I know

[carissimipaixao]

Can I request a Jigen x NB reader and they take a bullet for Jigen. Like not enough to kill but enough to worry about? If you can’t do this or feel uncomfortable that’s A Okay

─ A BULLET’S WORTH (MORE THAN ONE THOUSAND WORDS)

published on: january 13, 2023 requested by: anon pairing: jigen daisuke & non-binary!reader word count: 4.7k+ note: it’s the first time i’m writing something using they/them pronouns, so, if you spot any mistake by chance or if i end up falling to make it more gender neutral, please let me know! note ii (may 2023): thanks to Darkaboi on ao3 for the correction on the wrongly written Polish!

Practice makes perfect. And, in a deadly world such as the Underworld, it is one’s skills and knowledge that allows them to thrive and survive. Otherwise, they are nobodies, mere worms compared to the strongest criminals out there. Their skills may very well not be out of the ordinary, but it is their reputation — earned by said skills and victories — that immortalizes them and allows them to be respected, if not feared.

Weaknesses and vulnerabilities, on the other hand, are meaningless and utterly unimportant. If anything, it’s considered a taboo for many. It is encouraged that every source of liability is immediately eliminated or taken out of sight. Or else, one might be used, tricked or killed over their human frailties. For a world as colossal as the Underworld, it can get extremely claustrophobic, feel minuscule; gossip is quick to spread and reach undesirable ears, and, since this world is made out of venom and lies, you better believe these beasts lash onto anything that could possibly indicate a fragility.

Thus, everyone must keep their hearts hidden, steal with greediness in their eyes, kill in cold blood. Anything must be done to ensure one’s survival.

—all of this had been part of a long lesson that [Name] received from their parents. To carefully observe what happens around them, to easily catch onto anything they could use to their advantage, to hide their heart and cover it in ice. Perhaps, that lesson had resonated deeply within them, which explained why they constantly second-guessed or analyzed anything done or said by Jigen Daisuke.

There isn’t much they have in common; their coldness and quick thinking seems to be the only thing that immediately comes to mind. [Name] much preferred to lay low in the shadows, proceed slowly before driving their dagger into the chest of their enemies, while the gunman usually took louder approaches, taking into consideration his strength and skill with weaponry. Everyone’s reputation comes with a reason. Even if they differ a lot when it comes to their individual expertise, they compliment each other nicely. Or, at least, that’s what their boss thinks.

Coincidently (or not), they had been hired on the same day, to work under an infamous Russian ganglord. They would work as mercenaries in the estate, but, most importantly, they were to play the role of bodyguards, protecting the influential man’s beloved daughters when he was away for business. It is clear as water to see that the Russian, despite his rough exterior, has an incredible soft spot for his little flowers. It explains why he has never attempted to further cage them, why he keeps spending more and more money in hiring talented and patient people that would keep an eye on his girls, and why they are the main target when it comes to blackmail.

Hide your frailties.

But, orders are orders, and the pair would follow them thoroughly. Even if the girls were just as cunning as their old man — using their charm and wit to escape from their own security and bodyguards. All of this, just to experience a bit of freedom, with an inescapable scolding from their father at the end of the day.

But, their tricks never quite work on the new pair. After all, Jigen is perhaps just as cheerful and playful as a stormy day, and [Name] has never been one for conversations. They’ve always preferred to stick to the corners, to listen in, to observe and to strike or contain the threats. It is clear to see from the looks on the girls’ faces that they aren’t happy with this.

‘C’mon,’ one of the girls — Natasha — tries once again, attempting to meet Jigen’s eyes from under the fedora, a pout on her lips. ‘We promise not to get in trouble. Father doesn’t have to know.’

‘Sure,’ he draws out with a scoff. ‘He doesn’t have to, but he will know. Sorry, but I’m not risking my mission over your boredom.’

Natasha leans back with a gasp, a hand on her chest.

Harsh, [Name] thinks, the edge of their lips turning upward.

Anya, the older sibling, has already accepted her defeat. She sits silently on the opposite couch, a book in her hand. [Name] doesn’t quite believe that she is reading, but instead, finding a distraction to silence the temptation of rebellion. Maybe, because of how “mature” she is, compared to the stubborn Natasha, it is the reason why they like her so much.

‘Oh, don’t be a jerk!’ Natasha crosses her arms with a frown. Jigen sighs exasperatedly, a hand on his hat to bring it down a little further. [Name] snorts, earning Natasha’s attention. ‘Are you really about to make us unhappy? Father wouldn’t like to hear about this!’ The arrogant and threatening tone doesn’t go unnoticed.

‘As luck may have it,’ [Name] begins, pretending they didn’t catch it, ‘Your father’s orders are above going out. I apologize that you find this extremely inconvenient, but orders are orders, ma’am. We’re just doing our job.’

Natasha finally leans back against the couch, her eyes straying away to the window, and [Name] heaves a sigh of relief.

The clock rings once and then a second time. The bodyguards spare a glance towards it, whilst the girls pause in their inner tantrum with a glint in their eye. Natasha’s stomach growls, which makes her older sister giggle as she watches her face erupt into flames.

‘I’m starving! Let’s go!’ Natasha raises from the couch, approaching the door but pausing to wait for Anya. [Name] shares a look with Jigen, both of them wearing skeptical frowns. ‘Well?’ The younger sibling’s voice snaps them out of their thoughts, although their shoulders grow a little tenser.

‘Sure,’ [Name] steps back from the wall and approaches the door. Although it is unlocked, the daughters remain quiet as they wait for their security. It is as if hunger is the only thing keeping them from running off into freedom. Jigen stands from the couch and follows them out of the living room, remaining in the back of the group as they walk.

Anya hums. ‘I wonder what’s for dinner.’

‘Chicken, probably,’ Natasha guesses. ‘What do you guys think?’

[Name] blinks, but doesn’t look over their shoulder. ‘Ma’am? I’m not aware of what’s on the menu for you, but I do know my dinner would be nothing like yours.’

Natasha huffs. ‘Well, obviously. But, play along, will you? You owe me that much for this entire hour in the living room.’

They roll their eyes, shaking their head ever so slightly. Yet, if there is something they are good at, it’s playing along. ‘Duck.’

‘What?’

‘Duck and rice.’

The edge of their mouth begins to curl into a delightful smirk upon hearing the disgusted sound behind them. ‘Yeck! I hate duck!’ Natasha fakes a shiver. Anya, meanwhile, giggles a little bit. ‘Why would you say that?’

‘Ma’am, you asked me to play along. I did.’

‘Still—’

Anya walks around Natasha and [Name], now leading the way. Through the game salon it is, the bodyguard thinks. ‘Less talking, more walking,’ her English is painted with a subtle, but charming, Russian accent. Natasha mumbles under her breath, but complies.

The game salon is grand and empty, the walls painted in white but adorned with golden lines. It reminds them an awful lot of a hall straight out of 18th century Versailles. The furniture is to blame, too. Boss sure has a unique taste, they think, but I don’t blame him.

Yet, as the sound of the group’s footsteps echo in the salon, so does a certain feeling of dread.

The bodyguard feels their body tense unconsciously, wiggling their fingers subtly by their sides — as they always do when they are nervous. It is to relax the muscles, as well as to prepare them to grab their weapon as quickly as needed. Natasha has rounded them, wrapping her arm around her sister’s and leaning into her.

‘Something wrong?’ A voice speaks from behind, and [Name] nearly jumps out of their own skin before remembering that they aren’t alone.

Then, they tell themself, there’s no need to panic. You’re not alone.

Jigen is walking next to them, with the same slouched posture as always. Anyone would be a fool to believe, however, that this means he has his guard down or that he’s any less of a threat. Since they began working alongside Jigen, they have seen time and time again just how strong and incredibly dangerous the gunman is. How many times have they thanked an unknown, superior force for pairing them with him, rather than putting them against him?

They shake the thought away, before it can develop any further.

‘I’m not sure,’ they finally reply. The man hums beside them. ‘Something just… feels wrong.’

The statement hangs in the air, and the two stare after the young women that are now interlinking their arms, leaning against each other. A thought wanders its way through their mind, and the youngest bodyguard takes a deep breath at the sight.

Just as the women are mere meters away from the door that will lead to yet another long hallway, the door opens to allow two men through. Their garments are not unfamiliar, as they are the typical outfit that Smirnov demands to be worn by his men.  The clothing reminds of gracefulness and elegance, nothing that the Russian man doesn’t like — perhaps, the second thing he loves the most after his daughters.

Yet—

‘I think you’re right,’ Jigen suddenly muses from beside them. [Name] whips their head slightly to spare a confused and anxious look at the older man, but they quickly straighten their back and turn their focus back to the two men.

‘Apologies, gents,’ one of the suited men begins, ‘but we’ll take it from here.’

Jigen’s back straightens ever so slightly.

‘On whose orders?’ [Name] can’t help but let that question escape their mouth, unable to hide its impending sarcastic nature.

The two men share a look before the taller one chuckles, his shoulders shaking as he raises his hands up. ‘What kind of question is that? Boss’ orders, of course.’

‘I don’t recall there being a change of plans,’ they continue. The Russian siblings spare a glance between the pairs. Natasha’s mouth is twisted into a frown, as if she, too, knows something is wrong. Anya, on the other hand, looks calm — as to be expected, because that’s what she has been taught to do flawlessly.

Be calm and silent.

‘Well, because Boss thought it would be best if he communicated with men that have long earned his trust and respect,’ the short man snorts. ‘Think about it. How long have you been here? He has no reason to trust you two with the lives of his daughters.’ Something flashes in his eye. ‘Your reputation doesn’t help you here.’

Yet, something else has caught their attention.

In the middle of the conversation, his partner has extended his arm out, his eyes focused on the little, vintage table light on the wooden table, next to the entrance. His right hand grips the cord with his fist and he pulls it down sharply. The light bulb, now switched on, barely adds any new brightness to the already dazzlingly bright room.

It, however, enhances the ink on the man’s inner wrist, now clearly exposed and visible to the naked eye.

Despite the distance, [Name] and Jigen could recognize the edge of that symbol anywhere.

‘Doesn’t matter,’ they say. ‘If we were hired, it would have been for a very clear reason.’ They tilt their head, watching the two owlishly. ‘Think about it,’ they echo the man’s words.

The cocky smirk on his face cracks.

Just as it does, the tall man freezes and glances down at his hand. He inhales sharply upon noticing the paint on his skin. He hisses something out, through his teeth, which draws Natasha’s attention. The woman gasps and reaches for her pocket, but is suddenly drawn into the man’s arms, a pistol pressed to the side of her head.

In an instance, Jigen has his weapon out, just as quickly, but he stops, his eyes moving to the other enemy’s drawn gun. The short man is gritting his teeth, his hand tight around the weapon. ‘Don’t fucking move, or your precious mission is dead.’

[Name] pauses, their hand brushing lightly against the handle of the gun on their holster. Anya has moved back, eyes wide. ‘They’re…’

‘Smirnov has really gotten soft,’ the enemy continues. ‘It has always been easy to crack through his defenses, but this is pathetic. Being soft over two useless girls and trusting idiots to guard them? Spare me.’

‘Let the girl go,’ Jigen commands, ‘and I’ll make it quick.’

‘You don’t scare me, asshole,’ the man nudges his weapon in the Japanese man’s direction. ‘Not now, not ever.’

The taller man presses the gun harder against Natasha’s skull, who manages to suppress a shudder. The woman’s eyes meet [Name], who swallows hard. Take it easy, they think. And keep calm. ‘Let’s go,’ he murmurs to his partner. As expected, he speaks Polish. It’s no surprise to them, considering the history behind Smirnov and their boss’ tainted relationship. Despite the distance, both groups would go big lengths to ruin everything for the other.

I guess humans just never change.

‘You coward,’ Natasha growls through gritted teeth. ‘You’re both so dead.’ The venom in her voice, the fire in her eyes — it’s admirable. No matter what situation she is put in, the Russian beauty never wavers to danger, even if her life is on the line.

‘Shut up!’ The tall man pulls the arm around her neck tightly, making the girl gag, her mouth opening desperately for air. ‘I’m tired of you already. Having to put up with your attitude day and night.’

They’ve been pretending to be part of the Family for a long time, then, [Name] concludes. Otherwise, had they been newbies, they wouldn’t have been able to get past security that easily. At least, not without spilling some blood and arising suspicion.

‘Let her go!’ Anya goes to move forward, only to freeze as the barrel of the gun is pointed in her direction.

Gunshots echo in the gaming hall, just as a sudden hiss is heard from above.

[Name] pulls out their weapon, looking up. Smoke is coming through the air vents, covering the hall at an alarming rate. They turn their head to look at their partner, seeing Jigen hunched slightly. Before the smoke covers their sight, they spot the grimace on his face. Coughs reverberate, and they catch the sound of footsteps and grunts as the intruders exit the room, taking Natasha hostage.

‘Fuck,’ they curse, pulling a cloth from below their chin. As they do, they rush towards Jigen, expecting the worst as they grip onto his shoulders. ‘Come on, we need to get out of here.’

Jigen puts his hand on his face, shielding his mouth and nose from the smoke. God knows what it’s meant for, really. They stand up and [Name] pats his back twice as they run towards the door, side-stepping to reach for Anya, who has been coughing violently from inhaling the smoke. They grab the young woman, rubbing her arms comfortingly as they pull her out of the room.

‘Everything’s okay,’ [Name] reassures, their voice muffled due to the cloth around their face. Anya falls once again onto her knees, coughing into her elbow as she tries to catch her breath. Jigen slams the door shut, preventing any smoke from coming through. They take that chance to look towards the gunman, expecting to see blood. Yet, thankfully, they find the reason for his previous displeasure — a hole in his hat.

‘Natasha—’

‘We’ll get her,’ Jigen says. ‘Now, stay here.’

He doesn’t spare another second as he grips his .357 Magnum, running down the hall. [Name] opens their mouth to shout, but they stop as Anya grips their hands suddenly.

There is a vicious look on her face. ‘They took Natasha,’ she says. ‘They took her and they expect to get out of here alive. Make sure they don’t. Make them bleed.’

It takes a moment for them to answer and, when they do, it is a mere nod, their lips curled in discontentment. Anya mirrors the nod and lets go of their hands, watching as [Name] turn on their heel to follow after their partner. The gun in their hand feels heavy, as if every perverse and twisted intention had been conveyed into one single object, a tool of destruction. After all, they had been born into that world, and cold violence had always been their language.

Had it been written into their blood, however?

Had they been destined to be born into a wicked family, whose history is shrouded in mystery and death, blood and vices? In truth, ages ago, they had wondered if their family — as well as themself — had any chance for happiness. Pure bliss, peace of mind, away from the tears and gore that they have shed.

Perhaps not.

The weapon is too full of burdens and regrets to be discarded so carelessly. Every demon must go silent before themself.

Jigen is not too far ahead, they realize. He is approaching the wall, only to stop and lean against it, stretch his neck over the edge and look for the targets. He reclines back as the sound of gunshots echo in the empty hall, the bullet barely brushing against the wall. He waits a beat and allows his body to come out of hiding — just enough to fire towards the enemy. [Name] hears a grunt, followed by muffled swears and more missing bullets, and Jigen hides once again, clenching his weapon close to his chest.

‘They may not be alone,’ they chime in as they put their hand on the wall, leaning their weight into it. ‘We know how they work. “They work better in numbers”, as they say.’

The hitman scolds. ‘To compensate for their incompetence?’

The sarcastic tone nearly earns a chuckle out of them, but they stop themself. ‘Might be,’ they say, however. ‘Just makes our job easier, right?’ The response is a mere hum, just as the man peeks over the corner.

A yelp echoes in the hallway, earning their attention. ‘You bitch!’ The enemy — the one responsible for ruining their own plan — shouts. The sound of flesh hitting flesh rings, and [Name] winces involuntarily, although the blood in their veins has begun to boil. There is a thud, and they can only imagine that someone has fallen down. ‘Get up!’ he yells through gritted teeth.

‘Make me, son of a bitch,’ Natasha’s voice responds.

‘Fine,’ he growls. ‘I’ll make this easier for both of us!’ There is a click.

Their other opponent appears to have become angry, if not desperate. ‘What are you doing?!’ According to this reaction, whatever is going on mustn't be good. But, the bodyguard can’t see, as their partner is obstructing the view, and that’s what makes them more anxious than ever before.

‘Jigen,’ [Name] gasps. The gunman curses under his breath.

‘Killing dead weight,’ he responds and the answer makes their heartbeat rise.

‘Stop!’

Something shatters, having fallen to the floor, and the Japanese man takes that as his cue — rounding the corner to point his gun into the hallway, pressing the trigger with no hesitation. As he does, [Name] stands behind him to look at the targets, their weapon ready to shoot and kill. The tall man has just hit the ground, a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead — perfectly planted, just as it is expected from a professional hitman like Jigen Daisuke. The other, however, has just barely managed to escape from a certain death, going through a side door, with the exception of a hole on the side of his leg.

‘Lucky bastard,’ he growls under his breath as he reaches into his vest for more bullets.

Natasha glances up to see [Name] near, who kindly extends their hand — even if the gesture may appear too casual, too friendly at first glance. Unprofessional, even. Yet, the subtle quirk of Natasha’s lips, as well as the glint in her eye, doesn’t go unnoticed and both say enough. ‘Anya?’

‘Safe,’ they reply, ‘and waiting for you.’

‘I’ll meet up with her, then,’ she nods. ‘You two go ahead and do your job,’ her eyes sharpens and her voice morphs, and it resembles the Boss’ stormy tone. It may be disturbing, at first, but it is to be expected; she, just like her sister, has been growing to become the next head of the Family. As she speaks those words, she reaches for a painting behind her, pulling it by the edge. It reveals a shotgun, held by metal hooks. Natasha grabs it with a smirk that, although they would’ve usually find charmingly adorable, is nothing but ghastly.

Weirdly enough, they feel proud.

‘Let’s move,’ Jigen says while [Name] watches Natasha, as the woman rushes down the corridor.

‘Let’s,’ they turn to him, sharing a look, before they run in the opposite direction.

The blood that pumps in their veins is quick, if not cold. That, too, is part of the job — to feel the adrenaline, the violent instincts that make any criminal deadly. Perhaps, as eyes are windows that allow any outsider to gaze into the soul of a being, if anyone were to look into their glare, they would be able to know exactly just how frightening they were — just how they feel, even, towards themself, by occasion.

It’s a strange feeling, indeed. But, having been in the Underground for so long, they’ve grown used to it. Well, partly, anyway.

Unlike them, however, Jigen looks nothing but angry. As per usual, his face is what those that know him would define as “his usual”. If there was no fedora hiding his eyes, no shadow creeping over his features which paints him as haunting, perhaps the emotion that could be perceived by others, by the exception of the clear frown on his lips, is annoyance, as his eyebrows would be lowered, creating a dark scowl. It is that glower that makes him appear so terrifying to some, especially when taking into account his skills and reputation as a hitman.

They turn the corner, seeing double doors on the end of the hallway. One of the doors, however, is opened ever so slightly, a gap so small that perhaps only a mouse could crawl through. It’s an invitation, and most likely a trap. Nowak and Smirnov are rival families for a reason — they are equally dangerous and ruthless, although Smirnov holds up some kind of moral code. Despite his reputation and how he might be perceived, he pales in comparison to the many atrocities committed on European soil by Nowak and his men. Otherwise, perhaps they wouldn’t have seen Jigen working for him in the first place, since, similarly to Smirnov, the hitman has standards of his own, and harming women or children should never be part of the job description.

Nevertheless, they have set their foot in forbidden territory, and they have attempted to kidnap and possibly torture and assassinate the daughters of the Russian boss Smirnov. That isn’t acceptable, and they wouldn’t allow them to get out of the estate, let alone alive.

[Name] walks ahead of the gunman, leaning against the half-opened door. And, they carefully tilt their head forward, peeking through the gap, only to jump backward as a bullet comes flying from the other room, followed by a string of foreign words. The wood from the door cracks and falls to the floor.

‘Stay back!’

They raise their voice. ‘Just surrender yourself, and spare us all this trouble. You know we’re going to catch you.’ Jigen clicks off the safety of his gun, as if suggesting the opposite. Sadism has never been one of his traits, but he is not known for being merciful, either. One way or another, he is going to shoot him down.

[Name] peeks through the door, once more, to find the man limping, as fast as he can, out of the dining room. The bodyguard readies their weapon and aims it right at the assaulter. The bullet does not hit the target; instead, it hits the opened door. Nowak’s remaining man flinches and turns quickly, although his aim is off and the bullets are stray. It hits the glass vase on top of the table, as well as the china cabinet on the sides, near the door, breaking the glasses and the expensive dishes.

As he vanishes off, the two rush through the double doors, walking around the long, red dining table, stepping over the broken pieces of glass, and near the door that leads them back to a long hallway. However, the blood that is now imprinted onto the carpets creates a trail to the stairs to the ground floor. Jigen overtakes [Name], weapon ready and loaded, and runs down the stairs.

‘Don’t think you’re getting away so easily!’ He yells after the Polish man. The moment his left foot — bad luck — touches the ground, however, the lights go out.

[Name] nearly fumbles down the stairs, too, due to the sudden, unexpected darkness. A hand goes for the handrail, and the other stretches forward, brushing against the linen fabric of his dark gray suit. Jigen curses under his breath. One sound echoes through the room, and the smallest of light illuminates the entrance hall; it is the front door to the estate.

The younger bodyguard snorts to their partner. ‘That’s a bold move.’ Quickly, they have gotten used to the darkness that surrounds them. The shadows have always been their home. They descend the stairs and walk towards the light. ‘For a dead man.’ Footsteps echo behind them, the heel clicking against the floor. Those belong to Jigen.

Upon arriving at the door, the two spare a look around the outdoors. To their surprise, nothing can be seen. It is as if the intruder has completely vanished. Jigen kneels to the floor, to find the previous traces of blood — but, likewise, those cannot be seen. Safety still off, he narrows his eyes to stare through the darkness of the night. Everything appears so eerily quiet and calm, but they both suspect of an attack, one that Nowak has been eagering for ages. Moreover, the intruders could very much have called for backup, a suspicion that has only grown after the sudden power cut.

[Name] inspects the hallway in the dark, unable to track down the blood that has once guided them downstairs. Maybe, they begin to speculate, the blood was no coincidence. Jigen had, indeed, hit him in the leg, which incapacitated the Polish man from escaping properly, although the wound did not seem too serious.

‘Jigen—’

A click, and their suspicion is proved right.

The Japanese bodyguard appears unbothered, as the sound wasn’t loud enough for him to hear outside. He slowly stands to his feet, brushing his fingers together from the dirt on the floor.

‘Słodkich snów, dupku!’

Jigen turns, and they lunge forward, falling into him as the bullet pierces their abdomen. A burning sensation immediately follows, as their partner aims at the hiding intruder and pulls the trigger. The bullet goes through his neck, and the Polish mercenary falls to the ground, choking on a pool of his own blood.

Jigen, struggling previously to keep their body up single-handedly, now grabs them with both hands, after putting away his weapon. ‘Hey, don’t go dying on me now,’ he shouts. He contemplates dragging them inside, but the power cut isn’t helping. For now, the security must be working on it, and there is no decent reason to actually call for backup, as there is yet no indication that Nowak has sent more men to the estate, for a stronger attack.

‘Wouldn’t dream of it,’ they hiss through their teeth. Perhaps, luck is yet on their side; at first glance (or, rather, sensation), no vital organs have been hit, but they would be dumb enough to believe they do not require medical attention. The world shifts around them, and they blink furiously, as if to keep themselves from falling into unconsciousness. ‘Shit.’

‘I need to get you a doctor.’ The lights flicker back to life. ‘Can you stand?’

‘Barely.’

Jigen helps them stand on their feet and begins to slowly walk them inside, ignoring the body on the floor. ‘You’ll be fine. You’ve had worse.’

‘Thanks, that is so sweet,’ they roll their eyes, followed immediately by a grimace of pain.

‘That happens when you are a smart ass.’

‘Shut up.’

#jigen daisuke x reader #daisuke jigen x reader #jigen daisuke #daisuke jigen #lupin iii #lupin the third #lupin the 3rd #reader #reader-insert #fanfic #x reader #fanfiction

[gamerswift13]

Kia ora, friends!

If you’ve been following along since last year, you might remember a little piece of something I shared in December called Underground. If you haven’t read that, I definitely think you should either before or after this! It doesn’t matter what order, though, either way I think you’ll get some context for details present in the other. This is another very rough draft, but I like where it’s going and it definitely has potential to feed back into the afore mentioned Underground scenario.

I posted on twitter tonight (at the time I was writing this, a couple days ago) about how I have kind of been struggling with whether or not to make every one of my big characters queer; every time I write a new person into existence (or they come into existence for me to write about - I’m not entirely sure!), my instinct is always to make them a lesbian or bisexual or non-binary or trans (or many all in one) and there’s a part of my brain that pushes back on that. I think it really comes down to the deeply internalised misogyny and queerphobia that I have as someone who didn’t always know they were queer and trans and non-binary, so I’m trying to push back against that. I really enjoy writing queer relationships and the people in them, and I think there is a part of me that thinks that excluding cisgender heteronormative relationships is excluding a portion of a potential audience, which is wild because, like, who cares? So, sorry, if you are a cisgender heteronormative person coming to my writing and feel excluded… that’s kind of by design. There are enough stories in the world about those kinds of people, and I want to hold space for stories about not those people.

Anyway, all of that is to say that this fragment of a story is about two new characters named Cassy and Taylor. Taylor is a non-binary trans-fem and Cassy is a gay trans man. They have two children together named Riley and Canada (why Canada? I don’t know, it just came to me!) and they all live together in an underground facility known as a crisis shelter. I haven’t nailed down all the details about timelines or even locations compared to the Underground story fragment, I mean that should be obvious since both are pretty rough drafts, but I wanted to make sure these share some key details. These stories are part of a whole that comes after a form of world-shattering collapse, hundreds of years in the past, where technology is still present and usable but ancient. I could write a whole page about where I got my inspiration for this setting, and if you know me you can probably guess a few, but I have tried to make it my own and I will work on that further as this story, these stories, become more cohesive. But I should shut up and let you get to the part you came here for: queer people!

Let’s jump in.

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“When you were packing up and getting ready to leave, it occurred to me that I couldn’t remember the last time I told you I love you.” Cassy’s eyes darted around Taylor, trying desperately not to look at them, yet somehow always landing on them, even for the briefest of moments. Taylor blushed.

“So, are you going to, then?” Taylor prodded, shyly but playfully. “Uhm, am I going to?” “Tell me you love me, idiot,” they laughed. “Oh… uh, yes… I love you.” “I love you too Cassy. Was that so hard?” “No, I…” “We’ve been together for ages now, it’s okay to say it sometimes.” “I know, I… it’s been a long time since I felt safe.” “I know, and you are safe here.” “I love you, Taylor,” Cassy sighed gently as the butterflies in his stomach took flight. “I love you too,” Taylor reached out to put a hand to Cassy’s cheek, and they responded with a small chuckle and a smile. “Are you ready to go?” “No. I’m going to miss you, I hope you know that.” “I do. I’ll miss you too. But it’s only for a few months.” “Yes.” “And when you’re back, well, you’ll have succeeded.” “I will.” “And we’ll be safe. For good.” “Yes.” “So, are you ready to go?” “Yes.”

Daylight was barely breaking as Cassy watched his love from a short distance as they loaded their saddlebags onto the small courier mech. The two of them had cobbled the mech together from scrap salvaged in the lower levels of the shelter where the life support systems had broken down. It had taken them a year to build, and it was ramshackle but sturdy. Taylor had a lot of gear to bring with them, no one knew what they would find when they reached their destination, or even along the route. No one had been that way for decades, much less returned. Taylor’s destination was an ancient pre-apocalypse crisis shelter, much like Sierra shelter, the one Cassy and Taylor lived in, but long since abandoned and overrun by various flora and fauna. Taylor’s objective was a computer deep within the shelter, hundreds of metres underground. On that computer should be access codes and telemetry data for the dormant communications satellites orbiting the planet. The theory was that if the data on that computer could be recovered, it would be possible to feed it into their own shelter’s systems and reactivate the satellites, reenabling communication between all of the shelters across the planet. And if that theory proved correct, then the shelters could begin to coordinate their efforts against the elements and hostile forces, with the goal of securing the planet and making it safe for everyone to start returning to the surface, to repopulate the world and rebuild it. It was a noble plan, but an extremely tenuous one. There were some in Sierra shelter who believed it was a wasted effort and that the data was lost, or that even if the satellites were able to be spun up again the communications architecture on the ground would still be inoperable. But no one really knew for sure. The consensus was that it would be a waste of equipment, resources, and people. But that was why Taylor was going, and going alone – they knew that if they didn’t, no one else would. And Cassy understood – he believed in the mission.

Once all of the gear was loaded, Taylor made their way back to Cassy. They took Cassy’s hand in theirs and looked into his eyes. “It’s not too late to forget about all this,” Cassy smirked, knowing he wouldn’t change their mind. “You know that’s not true,” they smiled. “This will all be worth it.” “It will. We’re counting on you.” “And I’m counting on you to keep it together while I’m gone. For the kids.” Cassy nodded. He reached into his satchel and pulled out a small circular object and presented it to Taylor. “I found this a few days ago, I kept it from you because I wanted it to be a surprise.” “Is that…?” “…a network beacon. I tinkered with it a little and got it to work with the terrestrial network. It has a solar charger, so if you wear it on your backpack it’ll be charged when you want to use it.” Taylor turned the device over in their hands. “It doesn’t squawk?” they asked almost to themselves, noticing it had no speaker or microphone. “No, it’s an old emergency beacon. I couldn’t get a comms one working. But when you hook this up, it’ll send a ping through the network to the computer in our quarters. I’ll be able to see where you are on the map… and I’ll know you’re still alive.” Cassy averted his eyes, a little ashamed of his insinuation. “I’ll be fine, love,” Taylor reassured him, squeezing his hand. “I know, just… use the beacon? Please?” “I will,” they smiled warmly. “The, uh… kids will be grateful.” “Right. The kids.” Taylor winked at Cassy and squeezed his hand again. “You should get going. Don’t want to waste the daylight.” “Yes. Tell Riley and Canada I love them.” “They know. But I will.” Cassy and Taylor embraced, and then softly kissed. “I’ll be back before you know it.” “Be careful.” “I will.” “I’ll see you soon.” “See you soon.” Taylor turned and headed toward the courier mech and climbed aboard. They briefly looked back and waved to Cassy, before turning their attention back to the patchwork control panel and reacquainted themselves with the navigation system. A few button presses and a couple of switch turns later, the mech lurched into life and began making its way down the dirt path, away from the shelter access tunnel where Cassy was standing, and toward the sun cresting the horizon. Cassy continued to watch until he couldn’t see Taylor or hear their creaking mech lurching across the landscape and returned to the shelter.

Taylor’s expression turned steely as looked to the horizon and absent-mindedly adjusted the mech’s stability switch, trying to find a comfortable balance.

“I swear to the stars, this plan had better work.”

----------------------------------------------------------------

So what did you think? As always, I would love to hear your feedback, and you can hit me up at the social or email links at the bottom of the page. Comments, questions, suggestions? Let me know!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read, I really appreciate it. And if you liked this or any of my other posts, consider telling a friend? It’s completely free and would really help me out - I don’t do any paid advertising of any sort so the best way I can reach more people is by word-of-mouth. Also, please consider subscribing to my Substack to get these posts direct to your inbox every Monday at 8am NZST! It's also free, but I have a couple of paid tiers too if you you want to support me monetarily - or you can tip me here!

That’s it for this week, folks. Take care of yourselves and I’ll talk to you again soon.

Ka kite anō au i a koe. 💚

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#queer writers #trans writers #trans representation #lgbtqi+ #lgbt representation #fiction #short stories #non binary writers #creative writing #writing #writer of tumblr #writers of new zealand #writers of aotearoa #shortstory #substack #writer

[nullsexducks]

Okay so since I’m lazy and don’t feel like typing this all out again to explain it with context, here’s the Reddit convo I interrupted and I’m gonna copy and paste my response here. It’s a really interesting issue to me and I’d like to hear other people’s opinions. (UNLESS your opinion is just always “let people identify however they want all the time and in all contexts, let people live!” I don’t need to hear from you this time. You’re allowed to have that opinion, I just don’t need that added here.)

“Sorry to throw myself into a conversation that doesn’t include me, but I just wanted to add my thoughts here. This is seriously like the one issue I’m unsure about. I’m firm and proud as a truscum, as a BaB (think bi is enough and pan/omni/poly/abro/etc. are biphobic and unnecessary), as an ace/aro exclusionist… but this one stumps me. I do consider myself non-binary. I use only they/them. I’m extremely dysphoric regarding both genders. (I’m also bisexual if that matters at all? idk i love people regardless of gender.) I feel dysphoric when a straight man or a lesbian is attracted to me, as I feel like they see me as a woman. Same thing with the flip side with gay men and straight women. On the other hand, I feel like if a man were to be attracted to me and call themselves bisexual, while also only liking women, I’d be uncomfortable because they’d basically be saying that non-binary is it’s own gender, which has a lot of offensive implications. To me i guess, the second option here feels like the lesser of two evils, but still bad? but also like. that’s an unfounded, subjective, personal opinion, which will vary between enben. At this point, I’ve kind of precariously settled on: 1) I’d better hope I find someone I love that’s bisexual in the way that’s attraction regardless of gender 😂 of course there’s people who are bi and not attracted to non-binary people, and that’s totally fine. 2) the percentage of trans people in the world is super small, and the percentage of actually dysphoric non-binary people is tiny even compared to that, so I’m not sure how much I need to worry about the semantics? It seems to become a much larger issue in cases such as my cishet male friend who is currently dating a ‘genderfluid they/he/she asexual bi’ who is, shocking I know, AFAB and entirely female presenting. This scenario is SIGNIFICANTLY more common than true dysphoric enben dating binary people (like 99.9% of people). I think because of that, the whole issue seems more prevalent than it actually is.”

#lgbt discourse #trans condition not choice #transmed discourse #transmed safe #truscum #transmedicalism #ace exclusionist #battleaxe bi #longsword lesbian #trans exclusionists #transsex not gender #bisexual #bi discourse

[allamericansbitch]

Listen my dude I took my adhd meds twice by accident today and I have a Taylor swift thought vomit so now that’s your problem. Sorry.

I’m not really a gaylor but I’m sort of in the “yeah sure maybe I guess some facets of this make sense” zone with that entire thing. I think it’s annoying how much of a thing it is? But I ended up on gaylor tiktok because I am a lesbian that listens to Taylor swift, and also anthropologically it’s kind of fascinating. And I keep seeing people talk about how like, people shouldn’t have to come out as queer the way people shouldn’t have to come out as straight, and she doesn’t talk about her relationships publicly in general with regards to songs. Which is true! But it feels like a really weird 2012 lgbt talking point to weaponize in favor of wanting Taylor swift to be gay, right?

And like lyrically I’d say there’s a lot of like “hairpin drop” type stuff, but she’s also exactly the kind of way-too-into-English-class type of girl to go buck wild with the emily dickinson and stuff for regular old trying to seem smart reasons, you know? And it’s not like it’s ever undeniable. And also maybe we don’t need to be acting like the lyrics of a (very talented and smart) pop star should get the same kind of treatment as religious texts? I was raised evangelical and the kind of reaches between what Bible verses say and what we were taught they actually meant are not wholly a different vibe from some of the gaylor stuff, or even the way people try to decipher what happened in any of her straight relationships from them.

But I keep seeing this overall tone of like, “the gays know Taylor swift is gay but she hasn’t told the straights yet.” Which would be so funny if it was true! But the subtext is so often that she couldn’t come out, and I think we’ve seen through the whole re-recording thing and starting her own label that she is pretty aware she’s powerful and famous enough to do whatever she wants. And I’m sure there’d be some backlash, but for the most part average people are less weird about it than they used to be, at least in the US. I will say that the constant speculation that she’s dating literally anyone she stands next to would be incredibly worse if she came out as bi or whatever, but she’s still already used to that. And maybe she just doesn’t want to, I don’t know?

But it’s weird compared to the complaining I used to see about harry styles sort of aiming for androgyny while not actually doing much useful or helpful, and other actual queer artists were being way cooler. And he was arguably living as Schrödinger’s non-binary bisexual to appeal to queer fans or whatever. Also I don’t care about his music so I have no idea what happened with that, sorry if he like turned out gay or something idk.

But is Taylor swift not also doing that? I think queerbaiting is a weird word to use about a real human person whose personal life is intensely monitored like this, but she has to know at least some of her arguably gay hints looked like gay hints. Especially in the context of how she does Easter eggs for her albums and stuff. Like I straight up do not care whether Taylor swift is gay or not, it’s just that now I��m annoyed she’s out here hinting enough for some people but not enough for actual consequences, you know? It’s weird! I don’t know whether I’d say she makes money off of the non-queerbaiting weirdness, but if not it’s such a weird vibe! Why! Also she has a whole team of people managing her social media presence and a ton of people see all her songs on the way through. All of them are just…good with the hinting?

In conclusion, this entire thing really really annoys me. I’m annoyed at Taylor swift herself, for either being straight but living in plausible deniability land for fun and profit and staying in the papers, or for hinting everywhere but not coming out if she isn’t straight. Maybe that isn’t fair! But if I were in her position I would feel like I had a duty to come out by this point, you know? That would be kind of undeniably huge for worldwide acceptance. And then obviously I’m annoyed by the people that search for all these clues and act like they all are undeniable proof when someone is clearly fucking with them on purpose some of the time.

And also like! In general, please can we just enjoy her music without picking apart every hidden meaning we can make up? It actually kind of reminds me of Oscar wilde’s trial when they tried to prove he was doing gay shit with his writings or whatever. But also despite popular opinions on here, he irritated the shit out of me too.

This entire thing is just so annoying! Who has this much time on their hands!

That preface killed me thank you for the warning lol.

You talked about a lot of stuff that I either agree with or don’t really have anything to add, but I will say I don’t think Taylor is consciously hinting queer things and her songs and just riding the line and ‘queerbaiting’. She seems generally like a pretty ignorant person and I doubt she’s sitting at home measuring what’s a good hint towards queer people while also being inconspicuous enough for others or to realize it.

It’s also no one’s ‘duty’ to come out to others, no matter what condition they’re in. That’s a personal thing that is only up to the individual and no one else.

Overall this is why reading into Taylor’s songs and thinking it’s some kind of bible (great comparison btw) that only can apply to her life and only viewing Taylor’s music in the context of her is wildly dangerous and damaging to her art. It causes speculation and wild conspiracy theories, when in reality it should just mean something to the listener and their personal experience.

#answered #anonymous

[kyberphilosopher]

Eunoia

The Mantis crew decides to take a well deserved break.  Word Count: 2422

Warning(s): straight fluff, short Requested: yep This can be read for a female, male, non binary, or any other reader.

Eunoia is the shortest English word containing all five main vowel graphemes. It comes from the Greek word εὔνοια, meaning "well mind" or "beautiful thinking”. It is also a rarely used medical term referring to a state of normal mental health. In rhetoric, eunoia is the goodwill a speaker cultivates between himself and his audience, a condition of receptivity. In book eight of Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle uses the term to refer to the kind and benevolent feelings of goodwill a spouse has which form the basis for the ethical foundation of human life.

* ✭ ˚ ･ﾟ ✧ *･ﾟ * ✭˚･ﾟ ✧* ･  *

Cal is actually not as observant as people think he is. You know because you’ve been leaning against his doorway, watching him, for about two minutes now and he hasn’t noticed a thing. 

Maybe if you were in his position you’d be the same. That seems about right. He’s hunched over his desk with the lamp on bright, tinkering with something that you can only assume is for BD-1. He’s probably lost in thought. Maybe he’s dreaming of better days. Or maybe he’s just trying to figure out which wires and bolts connect to which. There’s no way to be certain from your position. He’s the mechanic, you are not. 

So why have you been watching the redhead from his doorway for three minutes now? A simple answer. He is your friend, and you enjoy his company. Even when he’s not giving you attention, completely unaware to your presence in moments like this one, lost in his own world, it’s his warmth that really counts. Cal is such a relaxing bout of fresh air compared to everything else in the galaxy, in your life. It’s like being at a great party, but whether you enjoy it or not, stepping outside and tasting the air and the smell of something wonderful. Even if you had a day full of talking to people and had become burned out, talking to Cal would have been no problem at all. Maybe in a way that makes him your favorite person. 

Yeah, maybe. 

BD-1 jumps onto Cal’s desk. His head looks at the boys hands, cocking about as if observing. Then he meets your gaze, only to find a smile. One index finger raises to your lips, prompting the little droid to stay quiet about this, before you turn away and head towards the main part of the ship. 

“Where’s Cal?” Greez gruffs upon seeing you. He’s shaking spice onto a steaming brown plate, which puts a pep in your step. Greez’s cooking always makes life better. 

“In his room,” you answer. You turn from the doorway to the counter, where something hot does cause stringy, swirly puffs of air to waft upwards from a large metal container. With your back to Greez, you pull a plate for yourself and begin hulling it full of food. Some sort of rice or grain?  

“Hmph, that reminds me,” the Latero begins mid-chew. “Me and Cere was talking about taking a vacation.”

“Vacation?” you scrunch your eyebrows and put the lid back on the container. “Where to?”

“The beach maybe?”

You scoff as you turn around and lean on the counter. One hand holds the plate while the other uses your index finger to prod at the mush. It smells alluring. The individual pieces of it stick to your skin. They burn and sting, but it’s so small it doesn’t bring much of a reaction. “I don’t know a lot of beaches.”

“Well, ya know,” Greez shrugs. “Just a thought.”

* ✭ ˚ ･ﾟ ✧ *･ﾟ * ✭˚･ﾟ ✧* ･  *

It was more than just a thought. Six days later, the Mantis touches down on Scarif. But first there’s the issue of landing. 

“Watch that tree,” you point, leaning over Cal’s shoulder as he co-pilots beside Greez. A second later, the ship gives a great rock and the palm tree crunches beneath it. “You weren’t watching the tree.”

“Sorry,” Cal offers sheepishly. 

“What?” Greez says. He’s the one in main control of the ship. He’d never let Cal take over the whole thing. “What he do?”

“Ran over a tree,” you snort. 

“Cal!” Cere scolds, turning around in her chair. 

“I said I was sorry!” Cal defends. 

“I’m telling the wookies what you did,” you whisper.

“Don’t,” Cal whispers back, though it’s still desperate. 

The Mantis parks itself in a field of tropical emerald on the cuff of a beach. The sand is white, the waves cyan and royal blue and sloshing. There’s several beaches on the planet. All of which are very beautiful. Would be a true shame if anything were to ever happen to Scarif. It’s so different compared to so many other planets in the galaxy- not occupied by Imperial forces or scumbags. 

Greez waves everybody off. Cere exits first. Cal is ahead of you, but he steps to the side and rather gentlemanly insists, “You first.”

You hum and move past him. The Scarif air hits your face with a warm breeze. It smells of salt and water and some kind of flower. The horizon goes orange and pink and salmon with the setting sun. It is... serene. It nearly knocks you off your feet. It takes his voice to realize Cal is beside you at the bottom of the ramp. 

“Woah,” he offers simply, in as much awe as yourself. 

“Woah,” you repeat in agreement. It’s still for a second. “Come on. Let’s join them. Or else I’ll have to cast a Jedi mind trick on you.” Your fingers wiggle up and down by Cal’s face for dramatic effect. 

Cal rolls his eyes. “Shut up,” he utters with a push on your elbow, urging you forward into the sand. 

Okay, so maybe you like Cal more than just a friend. But who can blame you? Things had been feeling different between you two lately. You’d always gotten along pretty smoothly. You made up for skills that Cal seemed to lack himself, and his abilities- human and nonhuman- never ceased to amaze you. He was a friend. And then, when you tended to the stab wound he’d gotten from Vader, there was a moment where you held each others eyes. After that, the joking became more constant. The little touches on the shoulders and elbows and forehead taps happened more often. And you started watching him from his doorway sometimes and... and at some point you just caught feelings. 

Cal Kestis seemed to feel the same, but who could really say? No use poking that bear right now. 

The sand is soft, even beneath your boots. Cere stands in front of the water, just breathing in the air. The light breeze makes her vest ripple. It’s tempting to just join her. 

“Gotta say,” you hear a familiar voice say from your left and below. “We picked a nice place.”

“Maybe we should stay a while,” you joke, though you secretly hope for it, to Greez. 

“Yeah,” Greez rolls his eyes. “Until this moron gets us into trouble again!”

Cal perks up. “What did I do?”

“Anybody who can lift things with their mind is gonna attract some attention, kid. You just brought it on us.”

“So true,” you jump on with a smirk to Cal. 

“Alright,” Cal turns away towards the beach. You position yourself so you’re closer to him, and Greez takes the opportunity to waddle away further ahead to waves.

“Sorry for bursting your bubble, Cal,” you continue with a smug grin. “Maybe in the next life, don’t be born with force powers? Just a suggestion.”

“You think you’re so funny,” Cal tells you, though he’s smiling too. His pale green eyes spare a glance at you, thick lashes dancing on his boyish face. 

Your knees bend until you collapse on your bottom in the sand. It’s so soft, it doesn’t even resist your weight. It makes way for you easily, like a blanket. “I do.”

Cal joins you in the sand quickly enough. You’re both face to face, the wind in your hair and the water at your side. It crashes every few seconds, but it’s peaceful. Some kind of bird flies overhead, and butterflies are in the forested area behind you. The light of the sunset illuminates Cal’s hair more than usual. The brightest points of his eyes are highlighted. 

“He loves you,” you offer. 

“You think so?”

“I am one hundred percent certain... Just don’t touch the ship.”

Cal raises his hands as if surrendering. “Understood. Hands off.”

You turn your head to the water. Greez and Cere are standing ahead, most likely having a conversation of their own. The tide carries so much of the stress your shoulders hold away from you. Everything with the holocron, the empire- it was ridiculous what living in hiding could do to a person. It’s hard to imagine how Cal did it for so long. How painful that must’ve been for him. How painful it is to imagine him in pain. 

“How’s your stomach?” you decide to ask at last. 

Cal tilts his head for a second. “Better.”

“Perfect?” you raise your knees to your chest and rest your arms on them. 

Just then, a little whirring noise pulls both of your attentions away. BD-1 bounds down the ramp of the ship, twirling around in observance as if excited. “Hey, BD,” Cal greets. “I know, buddy. I know.” The droid places itself in Cal’s lap, still looking around at the change in scenery. 

“We’ve never been able to do this before,” you tell him. “I mean, I wasn’t here for the whole adventure. But I was here after and before and... and just... we’ve never done this.”

Cal is quiet. “I haven’t either.”

You look at him. 

“Taken a break. I guess time on Bracca was the closest thing.”

You smile softly. “I’m sure it was really nice.”

Cal rolls his eyes along with his head, though the corner of his chapped pink lips turn upwards. “As nice as it could be with the Empire.”

“That’s pretty nice.”

Cal and you huff a humorous puff of air in unison. 

“What were you doing before the Mantis?” Cal suddenly asked. 

“Oh,” you roll your eyes and wave your hand. “Not important. Don’t even worry about it.”

“Come on!” Cal shifts. 

“I’m serious!” you defend. “It’s boring stuff. You wouldn’t want to hear about it. Not as interesting as the force.”

“Well anything related to you is interesting,” Cal says casually, one of his palms lifting in the air for effect as he shifts again. 

Well that makes your face feel hot. Anything related to you is interesting. How often do people get to hear that? And how casually it comes out of Cal’s mouth, the shrug of his shoulders that you tie so easily to him, that’s how you know it’s honest. Not only have you heard something intimate that not many people will in their whole lives, but it was also heartfelt. 

“Yeah,” you mutter, though it sounds distant and far away as you watch Cal’s eyes. He doesn’t seem to mind. Then you snap back to reality. “This is gonna be good.”

Cal watches you pop to life, standing up entirely and running towards the water. BD-1 perks up as well to watch you just in time to see your much bigger form nearly knock the Latero over. And, much to Cal’s surprise, the little droid jumps from his lap and bounds after you. The red head decides he’s next to follow. 

“BD-1,” he rasps, also nearly pushing Greez to the ground. “Don’t touch the water!”

But it’s too late. However, nothing happens. BD-1 stands in the shallow waves, unelectrocuted and unbroken. He doesn’t spark a bit, only cocking his head in wonder at his friend. 

“Think fast!” a voice calls. 

A splash of warm and salty water slaps against Cal’s face. He cringes, turning his shoulders away on impact with a little gasp that makes his throat burn. “Hey!”

Another splash. 

Cal turns to you. You’re standing with your hands on either side of yourself, open and matching your smug and proud face. Your boots are still on, which can’t be comfortable given that they’re now submerged in water. BD-1 is on the back of your shoulders- something Cal thought was only between him and the droid. Apparently not. 

“What’s wrong, Cal? Can’t handle the current?”

Cal stills himself. Then he bends down himself and flicks water upwards. 

“Hey! No!”

He does it once more. 

“No!”

So you too repeat your original actions and begin forcing salty liquid up into the air in Cal’s direction as well. BD-1 grips onto your collar for stability while you both go to town, careful to not open your mouths too wide and taste the saltiness. 

“Be careful you two!” Cere calls from the shore. Neither Cal nor yourself heed her words, continuing on in disrupting the tide. 

“They’re fine,” Greez assures with the wave of one of his many arms. 

“Are you sure about that?” Cere responds with a hand on her hip as she watches you tackle the Jedi to the sandy terrain below the shallow water. 

“Completely fine.”

You push both of Cal’s shoulders down jokingly, careful not to subdue his head under the water. He cranes his neck to keep it above the waves. Through his soft lashes, Cal can just see your smiling, evil intentioned face with BD-1 on your shoulder gazing at him. 

Honestly, it feels just how it did last week- the last time you had watched Cal in his room. Gazing at him, admiring him. Just now you get to touch him, relax with him, splash water at him, even. You wish you could capture this moment if not forever, then for a while, and Cal wishes the same. 

* ✭ ˚ ･ﾟ ✧ *･ﾟ * ✭˚･ﾟ ✧* ･  *

Sorry it’s short. Idk if it’s my best work certainly but I haven’t written for Cal or Star Wars in a while. But I didn’t kill the reader in this fic or have someone sick or in danger! So it might be my first ever straight fluff? I don’t know. But what a good character to do it with. I’m glad to give Cal a break. And i hope the requester enjoys. 

#cal kestis imagines #cal x reader #cal kestis x reader #cal kestis fluff #fluff #cal kestis imagine #jedi fallen order imagine #jedi fallen order x reader #jedi fallen order fanfiction #fanfiction #cal kestis fanfiction #cal fanfiction #cal imagine #cal imagines #imagine #star wars fanfiction #jfo fanfiction #star wars fluff

[cuntess-carmilla]

On disability and gender

I'm writing this from my perspective as a dyadic TME non-binary lesbian (also mixed but very pale and non-Black, as well as relatively thin). I will group myself with women but like, I'm also not really a woman it's complicated lol. I say this because I can't have first-hand comprehension of all the possible dynamics between gender and disability, and other physically disabled people are very much encouraged to add their own thoughts and perspectives to this post.

I don't feel equipped to speak on how being disabled and intersex impacts gendered experiences because I have too much left to learn, so I'm sorry that I'm not going to go into it. It's not because I don't recognize that struggle, it's because I just don't have the range, so please, if you're an intersex and physically disabled person and you want to expand on this, don't be afraid to do so.

Able-bodieds can reblog but don't speak out of turn.

------------------------------------------------

For a long time I've been trying to articulate my thoughts and pain on how physical disability impacts our gendered experiences and I think I'm finally starting to get to it.

When you're physically disabled you're immediately stripped of a (willing) gender identity as well as desexualized.

Gender is embodied and performed. You can embody it "incorrectly" and perform it "poorly". Everything regarding the embodiment of physically disabled people is seen as incorrect, and the literal meaning of "disabled" is that we can't perform the same way that able-bodied people can, or at least we can't without severely impacting our wellness.

Disabled men are emasculated. Constructs of ideal manhood are in big part built on things such as physical prowess, never expressing vulnerability, being self-sufficient outside of anything domestic, and conquering women sexually and romantically.

Disabled men are seen as weak, they are seen as pathetic for having visible vulnerabilities or (if their disability isn't immediately visible) for exposing their vulnerabilities instead of "sucking it up". By needing aid, accessibility and carers that do more than what a wife would traditionally do for any man, the sense of self-sufficiency men are supposed to perform is unavailable to disabled men. All disabled people are desexualized and seen as repulsive once our sexualities are acknowledged, and even disabled dyadic cishet men can't escape this. Able-bodied women see them as unfit for any sort of serious romantic or sexual partnership. Not to mention too the traditional role of men as providers and how difficult it is for any disabled person to acquire wealth at all, let alone enough to support more than ourselves alone. The rates of poverty for physically disabled people are fucking astronomical, so most disabled men can't even use that to their advantage in romance and sex to make up for all the other ways in which they're at a disadvantage compared to able-bodied men.

Disabled women fail at embodying and performing every single aspect of traditional womanhood too, but in particular; domestic labor, sexual labor, and beauty standards.

All labor is difficult if not downright impossible when you're disabled. Disabled women who need carers as adults are seen as complete failures because, even as children, but especially as adults, we're the ones who're supposed to be the carers of others, not the other way around. People love to pretend that women are coddled more than men, but nothing breaks that illusion more than being a disabled woman. A woman's needs are supposed to be invisible and self-fulfilled, or else we're whiny spoiled bitches, and guess what that means for disabled women. When we can't perform this pristine role we're immediately marked as failures, we're undesirable and nothing but a parasitic drag in the lives of abled people.

Yes, not all disabled women are straight, plenty of us are bi or lesbians, many are also aro/ace, but the point is that the patriarchy doesn't really give a shit what a woman's sexuality is, because no woman is seen as having sexual agency, so even if we're not straight we're expected to exist to satisfy men sexually. I cannot describe how difficult it is to be sexual, even when you're not ace, if you're physically disabled. Speaking from my own experience, trying to maintain a sex life as someone who experiences chronic fatigue and chronic pain is one of the most frustrating and demoralizing aspects of my disability. I want sex, I want to want sex, to be able to fuck my fiancé, but most of the time I simply can't gather the energy to even feel horny. I feel like such a failure of a lover because of it. Even though my fiancé is patient and understanding with me!

Can you imagine what it is like for disabled women who aren't as "lucky" as me, to have a partner who understands that we simply can't do it all the time even if we do want to? I don't want to go into too much detail about this because it's very painful and triggering to many, but I think you can imagine what happens to a lot of disabled women (and disabled people in general) when we're not satisfying a partner sexually and they get too frustrated by it. Being as vulnerable as we are, nobody cares much what happens to us. More so since, again, physically disabled people are seen as sexually repulsive, so if anyone wants sex with us we're supposed to be "thankful" for it, no matter the circumstances.

As for beauty standards, any woman who doesn't fit traditional beauty standards will know just how badly men treat you when they don't find you physically appealing, and well... Let's just say that a cane or a wheelchair aren't seen by society as particularly attractive, no matter how much the woman using them fits traditional beauty standards otherwise. Then there's female amputees, women with deformities, etc. In my case, I'm a literal mutant. If I don't disguise my tells with corsetry, long sleeves, and so, so much more, my body looks "off", I have been told repeatedly that my body looks "off" my whole life, and I'm one of the least visibly disabled ones! Even regarding body hair it's fucking hell. My collagen is so elastic that when new hair grows it stays ingrown unless I manually break my skin with a needle or a pumice stone (no, gentler ways of exfoliation don't work), but shaving isn't ideal either because my skin is, due to my altered collagen too, literally transparent and you can see the roots of my dark hairs under it even if I shave down to accidentally harming my skin with the blade.

Performing femininity at all is just... It's fucking hell. If it's exhausting for able-bodied women, can you imagine what it is like for us? I can barely manage to shower, by the time I'm done with my hair, makeup and outfit, every bit of my very limited energy is depleted and then I still have the rest of the day to go through. And I LIKE being feminine. I like wearing makeup and wearing the outfits I wear and yet I still dread it when I know I'll have to do more than stay in my pajamas at home.

Also, the perceived fragility of disabled women isn't the type of fragility that is seen as desirable in women. It's not delicacy. Wheelchairs, canes and other mobility aids aren't seen as "delicate" or "demure". Neither is kinesio tape, or compression stockings, or any other sort of medical equipment which, on top of it all, tend to not be very "aesthetic". Our fragility isn't the romanticized type, it's the "wow, you're an useless burden who can't serve me the way I expect you to" type.

When it comes to "binary" disabled trans people (for a lack of a better term) the degendering is even more intense than it already is for their cis counterparts (all that I described above applies to them too). There's a dichotomy of the even heavier denial of their actual genders as men and women due to the combination of their transness and disabilities, contrasting with how even if they were to conform to their assigned genders at birth they'd still be seen as failures at it due to everything I've already stated. There's also the sentiment that their identifying outside of their assigned gender at birth is a sort of consolation prize, something they're going for only because they were failing at being proper cis men and cis women, and thus their actual genders are even more invalidated and effectively pathologized in the most medical sense of the word, which is already a problem for all trans people, but for physically disabled trans people this intensifies the problem even more.

When it comes to non-binary disabled people things get so fucking confusing and infuriating. If binary disabled people get denied their manhood and womanhood, best believe that multigender disabled people (bigender, genderfluid, etc) are denied all aspects of their genders even harder. Not even completely agender disabled people are safe from being seen as failures of their gender identities by people who would perfectly respect the identity of an agender but able-bodied person. The fact that the default gendered status of all disabled people is forcefully degendered makes it so agender disabled people aren't seen as having any agency or self-determination in their (lack of or neutral) gender identity, it's seen as a passive inevitability from their embodiment, so it doesn't really "count", while simultaneously being subjected to the general transphobic bullshit any other agender person would be subjected to.

All of these things already affect white, thin and dyadic physically disabled people. When you add race (especially Blackness and/or being dark skinned), fatness and being intersex into the mix, the ways in which we're degendered and misgendered are off the fucking rails.

We can't fucking win.

#disability

[myassgoodbye]

I wanted to put my thoughts out there about Brian’s recent comments on the Brit Awards getting rid of the Male & Female categories. 

It’s important to go over exactly what he said, which I found in as complete a form as is easily accessible at ultimateclassicrock.com: 

“I’m sure… we would be forced to have people of different colours and different sexes and a trans [person] – but life doesn't have to be like that. We can be separate and different. Our generation made a lot of mistake, but not everybody in our generation was wrong and not everybody in this generation is right. A lot of people from our generation who are being called out have actually done a lot of good in their lives.”

Absolutely no one is saying the Foo Fighters shouldn’t win awards or perform unless they get a bandmate who’s a POC, woman, or trans person. He’s also being vague enough about “a lot of people from our generation” who were “called out” for... I guess not having those groups in their bands?? But who? 

“I worry about cancel culture. I think some of it is good but it also brings bad things and injustices. We think in different ways but they weren't necessarily worse ways. For instance, Freddie came from Zanzibar – he wasn’t British, he wasn’t white as such – nobody cared. Nobody ever, ever discussed it. He was a musician, he was our friend, he was our brother. We didn’t have to stop and think: ‘Oh, now, should we work with him? Is he the right colour? Is he the right sexual proclivity?’ None of that happened, and now I find it frightening that you have to be so calculating.”

Sure, there are bad aspects of cancel culture. But that’s not related to the issue at hand: removing the gendered categories. You’re not “canceling” men or women by doing this. I find it very telling that he says Freddie wasn’t white “as such.” That’s the entire reason no one or few people had issues with Freddie. Even today, I think the average person would say Freddie’s white. That’s why no one discussed it. That’s why he didn’t discuss it beyond some vague mentions in old interviews, which called him “exotic.” 

If you look at the 10 best-selling artists of all time, only 2 of them are POC: Michael Jackson and Rihanna. And Rihanna first started making music in 2005. As much as people love to say Freddie was “openly gay” while he was alive, the definition of “open” is very nebulous. Did he go to gay clubs and date men? Sure. Did he give any interviews to the public saying he dated men? No. He kept a distance from Jim when they were going out in public. Maybe the members of Queen didn’t care about his sexuality, but it’s unfair to act like no one would’ve cared if he were out. Many fans would not have been fans if he were entirely out. Maybe Brian and the others didn’t have to be calculating, but Freddie very much had to be calculated about what he did in public. And no one is demanding bands to have their members be in certain groups, so again, this is irrelevant, man.

“It’s a decision that has been made without enough thought. A lot of things work quite well and can be left alone. I get so sick of people trying to change things without thinking of the long-term consequences. Some of these things are an improvement – some of them are not.”

Again, define which “things” are an improvement and which aren’t. Clearly, he wouldn’t be saying this if he liked the removal of the Male & Female categories since that is the primary thing being changed, if not the only thing. In that case, what about that works well? How exactly is Sam Smith, Demi Lovato, or any other non-binary artist supposed to win in the Male or Female categories? They can’t. If certain people are ineligible to win due to their gender, that’s not working well IMO. I���m sure if they just added Non-binary categories, Brian & others would complain it makes it too easy for them to win awards because there are comparatively few non-binary artists. So if you think there’s some better way to handle this, suggest it before just saying the changes are bad. You know what’s a really bad “long-term consequence” of leaving things as is? Non-binary people can’t win awards.

I’m not calling Brian a conservative because he generally isn’t, but on this issue, he seems to be. And very often, conservatives argue the status quo shouldn’t be changed because “look, some things are working well and there could be consequences to changing things and let’s just leave things alone for now.” And for now ends up being forever because they repeat themselves. They don’t propose alternative changes; they just say to hold off for now. Because they don’t want it to change at all and they realize people don’t want to hear the status quo is actually great.

He went on to express hopes for “more understanding” between people with opposing attitudes, so that society could move on from what he described as an “atmosphere of fear” in which people were “afraid to say how they really think.” He continued: “I think so many people are feeling ‘hang on, this isn’t quite right.’ But they don’t dare say anything. Eventually there will be some kind of explosion.”

The thing about understanding is it can’t really exist when 1 side denies the rights of another. If the status quo stays, non-binary artists can’t win awards. If you think it “isn’t quite right” to allow them to be included and to put everyone on equal footing, I’m not sure where the middle ground is. If there is an “atmosphere of fear” around saying non-binary people don’t deserve to be included, good. That means a good number of people think we should be included. It’s like how people would fear publicly saying women shouldn’t work and should only raise kids. I’m glad you fear saying that because it’s bullshit. 

Besides, the UK is generally anti-trans, at least more than the US, and not even everyone who supports trans people supports non-binary people. Maybe he means he’s afraid to say that around his friends, since he’s generally pretty liberal on other issues. If so, maybe listen to your friends, Brian. 

I’ve seen some people here say what he’s saying really isn’t that bad. I’m not saying Brian is the worst transphobe in the land & he should hide in a hole or anything. Your connection to media and the people who make it is your own & it’s complicated. But at the bare minimum, if someone says bigoted shit, which is what this is, acknowledge it for what it is. He’s not trying to say it outright, but it doesn’t take much analysis to see what he means.

#brian may #i'm not going to engage with any replies/reblogs bc this is just me putting my thoughts out there #I mean if he says more shit I probably will respond to that but otherwise no

[whatdoyouwanttobecalled-1]

Welcome To Another Rant About The Bi/Pan Discourse

(people who genuinely want to have a conversation where we're all respectful of eo are welcome to debate, discuss, and ask questions, if you're being rude, downright hateful, disrespectful, etc, you will be blocked bc I can't fucking be bothered ty)

1. Can we stop comparing pansexuals to super straights???

Regardless of how you feel about pansexuality that's just fucking disgusting end of discussion

2. Can cis people pls stop speaking for and over trans people when it comes to this and well literally everything and anything else?

I've yet seen v few trans or nb people say that the fact that there are multiple mspec labels is transphobic or othering in itself. And yk, democracy exists for a reason, so unless it's a majority opinion then while it's valid it's not enough to justify saying that we're all transphobic. Just yesterday I was talking about this w my whole friend group, and lemme just give you an overview of who's in this group: 1 cishet girl, a possible aroace girl, 2 people questioning their gender, 4 cis bisexual girls, a bisexual trans nb (afab, uses he/they pronouns), my genderqueer girlfriend who's possibly on the ace spectrum and who used to identify as trans boy, my non binary omnisexual best friend of 5 years, and an aroace nb

Not 1 person in that group has a problem w mspec identities

Not 1 person in that group knows anyone who has a problem w mspec identities

Literally not 1 of them thinks that any mspec identity is harmful to any community

Since seeing all this discourse and the fact that transphobia is often the main argument as why we shouldn't have multiple mspec identities, and before I started identifying as pan and was identifying as bi, they all had the same opinion they do now

I've also seen countless posts saying "but mspec identities are transphobic and biphobic by extension", where the replies are filled w trans and nb people saying to stfu and that they don't have a problem w them

Stop using trans people as a scapegoat and let them speak

3. I've yet to see 1 argument as to why mspec identities are harmful to bisexuality that isn't referring to v small percentages of each community, and that couldn't be solved by the entire lgbtq+ community universally deciding to stop treating eo like shit

"some pan/omni/polysexuals only identify that way bc of internalised biphobia"

Keyword: some

Not all

Not most

Some

Most of us just enjoy having a more specific label bc the mspec community is so big and varied and having a smaller more specific community to identify w makes us feel more confident and valid in our identities

In fact a large amount of us use our label interchangeably w bi bc guess what? We know we could identify that way if we wanted something more vague

"I like identifying as bi bc it's vague and that's kinda the point"

Okay

That's really cool

I like identifying as pan bc it's not vague and that's the point

Also if you're asking "how are these labels more specific?", but then saying you like identifying as bi bc it's more vague and inclusive of all mspec identities at the same time...do you not see how you're contradicting yourself???

"having so many labels confuses people"

If you're bi (or any other sexuality) and confused by the different labels refer to my previous points or ask me I'm happy to explain

If you're referring to straight people then...stfu they're not part of this community it doesn't effect them (ofc if you're straight and looking for education or clarification, that's fine, I'm talking about people who say it's wrong bc straight people don't understand it)

"it makes us look like a joke"

It really doesn't 1st of all

And even if it did

It's only to a certain group of people

Who I thought we were past the point of conforming for

Who see us as a joke anyway regardless of what we do

???

There are a lot more but you get the point

Long story short:

You don't have to understand something to respect it

Microlabels hurt nobody, you're just believing the uneducated people you see on the internet

Pls do your research

Don't even come at me w "do your research" believe me, I have, I dealt w internalised homophobia and internalised biphobia for years before I came out but after doing my research and accepting myself I can assure you I've done my research

Don't be a dick

Listen to trans and nb people instead of talking over them

Remember that there are problems within every community but that doesn't mean we should just get rid of them, we should just remember to be critical of the media we consume, and the ideas we form

Just let people identify how they want smh it's not that hard

#pansexuality #pan pride #pan positivity #pan discourse #why is this even a thing #bi/pan solidarity #bi/pan discourse #mspec #mspec discourse #mspec solidarity #don't be a prick #don't be a dick #you're valid #rant #discourse #lgbtq2s #lgbtq community #lgbt girl #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt discourse #stfu #listen #do your research #be nice #gay pride #spilled thoughts #wlw #bisexuality #omnisexuality

[lightns881]

DTeam Tumblr Demographics Survey Results (Part 2):

What does DTeamblr look like, what does it have to do with MCYT history, and why does it look like a rainbow?

I’ll make an educated guess here and say y'all enjoyed my last post (totally unrelated to the way I gained almost 50 followers overnight). Anyhow, thank you so much for the overwhelming support! I’m so glad a lot of you felt you could relate to my deep-dive into the leading personality type on DTeam Tumblr. It took me so many hours to write and research, and as a math major and honors student, it’s no easy feat, so I’m so grateful for the attention it got!

Today we’re discussing the general demographics of DTeam Tumblr and why they might look the way they do. Number 8 will blow your mind! So make sure to keep reading and hit that little grey heart and arrow at the bottom if you like it, so more people get to see it! Thanks for your support! Now, let’s jump straight into the post!

Your Daily Dose of Data

From the 449 responses we received, these are some pie charts displaying the gender, age, and sexuality of all respondents.

Image Description: Female (52.8%), Non-Binary (37.4%), Male (9.8%)

Image Description: 16-17 (37%), 13-15 (31.4%), 18 and over (29.4%), 12 and under (2.2%)

Image Description: Bisexual/Pansexual (54.1%), Homosexual (16%), Asexual (14.7%), Other (7.8%), Heterosexual (7.3%)

Mmhm, delicious! Y'all ready to dig into these stats? Because I don’t know about you, but they certainly don’t strike me as what the general population looks like!

Welcome to Tumblr, the Only Community Where Straight Men are the Minority

So these statistics certainly didn’t take me by surprise. Mostly because the DNF Shipper Survey I took some time ago revealed a similar trend. Not to mention, Tumblr is probably the QUEEREST internet community on the planet. 

Funny enough, the survey revealed a shocking number of ZERO heterosexual males respondents. I’ll say it louder for the people in the back. ZERO straight males were recorded out of 449 respondents for this survey!

Now, this isn’t surprising for the Tumblr community by itself, but I can say I’m somewhat surprised in terms of the MCYT Tumblr community. (Obviously, the survey specified DTeam Tumblr, but there is a big overlap between both communities, so I will be using them interchengably when it seems relevant.)

Let’s break this down. The survey reveals the largest age population is 16-17, though it’s not by a great margin in comparison to 13-15 and 18 and older, which doesn’t surprise me either. Some of the major critics of the DTeam Fandom and other MCYT Fandoms love to claim the fanbase’s majority age range lies with children and pre-teens. While it’s an undeniable fact children are drawn to Minecraft, it’s also a misconception to paint it as solely a community for younger viewers.

In the MCYT Tumblr and DTeam Tumblr communities, specifically, we see this is not the case. Only 1/3 of the respondents of this survey are under the age of 16 (you could attribute part of it to the fact younger people might be less inclined to participate in this survey, but it is still a notable difference). I can’t say these age ranges are similar in other parts of the community like DTeam Twitter, Tik Tok, or Reddit, but if I had to make a guess, I’d say Tumblr lies toward the older of the bunch, with Reddit being the oldest and Tik Tok being the youngest (I do hope to perform this survey on some of the other communities, so please stay until the end if you want to help with that).

One of the likely explanations to why the ages for DTeam Tumblr look this way is the fact a big chunk of the community has likely been watching MCYT for a long time (even with breaks in between). I, myself, used to watch channels like PopularMMOs, Aphmau, and PrestonPlayz as a kid, and I presume many of you are familiar with them as well. With the resurgence of MCYT in the past year, it likely drew a lot of the older viewers in addition to the new ones.

But enough about age. What I really want to highlight on this post is the attraction of queer individuals to DTeam Tumblr and MCYT as a whole.

Why is the current MCYT Fandom so queer in comparison to the previous generations?

This is a huge open-ended question and considering I can only capture so much of the DTeam and MCYT community, the rest of this post should be taken solely as a theoretical analysis as opposed to fact.

With that out of the way, let’s start by discussing the shift MCYT has undergone over the years (I promise this will circle back to the question of queerness in the MCYT fandom, but we need some background before we can come up with a decent theory).

When Minecraft was first released, it proved to be a monumental change in the gaming industry. This simple little indie game took the world by storm. It was so vastly different from what the general population generally viewed gaming as (first-person shooters, story-driven games, action games, etc.) Not to mention, it didn’t exactly solely appeal to only a small margin of gamers, those being white cis males.

The gaming industry has notoriously been known in the past for its heteronormative community and general prejudice toward minorities. Though it has gone through a significant change over the decades, we certainly can’t say it’s fully gone.

Yet for whatever reason, the recent MCYT has taken the interest of so many queer people in comparison to other gaming YouTube communities. Why? Why are queer people so drawn to this community? And, more precisely, why does it feel so different than the old MCYT? Lastly, how does this relate to the conclusion about the leading personalities of this fandom we made in the last post?

The Niche Communities of MCYT Over the Years

MCYT has always been a huge, over-saturated genre of YouTube with content appealing to a variety of audiences. It’s dominated gaming content for years, and I think we can all safely say it’s never been bigger than it is today.

So why is it that just now it feels like the queerness of the fandom is popping off? Why now as opposed to say five years ago when MCYT was at another one of it’s strongest stages?

It seems like the community has made a tremendous shift in relation to breaking gender norms and LGBTQ+ subjects, not only in the fans but within the creators themselves. Was flirting and calling a pretty-boy streamer pet names as normal in the past as it is today? Were straight gamer guys putting on dresses and a full-face of make-up as supported back then? Were “marriages” and “pregnancies” within Minecraft boys an everyday occurrence like they are now? How is it that MCYT has dominated a Twitch dating show where flirting with the gay host and among straight contestants themselves is just another bit of entertainment? Where is this all coming from?

Recently, I watched a 2 hour documentary depicting all of the stages of Minecraft YouTube and how it has changed over the years. If you haven’t seen it and you have some time to spare, I HIGHLY recommend it! It’s very informative, and it honestly gave me such a strong sense of nostalgia that makes me choke up every time I think about it. I’ll link it below.

The documentary does a great job at exploring the different niche communities that dominated MCYT since it first took off. Some of such communities include the basic Let’s Players, the team-based Let’s Play channels like How2Minecraft, the roleplay story-centric ones like Aphmau and Samgladiator, the tutorial, building and technical side like Mumbo and Grian, the PVP-centric Bedwars or Hypixel channels, the Machinima community, the comedy side like ExplosiveTNT, the parody music videos, and so many more. All of the mentioned communities have dominated Minecraft at one point or another, many of them still having a rippling effect and/or a loyal community today. All of these communities have certain aspects that define them, some of which parallel the current overtaking content in the present.

How can we compare MyStreet to the Dream SMP?

Taking Aphmau as an example, her MyStreet series had a TREMENDOUS success a few years ago, racking in millions of views and bringing in a lot of money that eventually allowed her to hire voice actors and increase the production of mentioned episodes. The roleplay series was so successful it ran for six seasons!

Now, let’s compare that to the Dream SMP. It seems like a big comparison to be making considering they appear so different at first glance. For once, Aphmau is just one channel whose audience caters toward girls and younger people who enjoy romance. The series is set-up in an episodic-format that resembles more of a TV series than actual Minecraft videos.

Meanwhile, the Dream SMP is a collection of content creators with a mix of improvised storylines and the occasional regular video that resembles more of a Let’s Play series than a RP series.

You could say the only true comparisons to draw out of these two are the popularity they had/have and the profit they brought to their respective creators. 

However, there’s two other key similarities that you’ll find not only within these two specific examples, but many other channels and communities as well. Story and characters.

MyStreet’s story aspect is fairly obvious seeing as it’s a episodic series that focuses on a fictional story. The Dream SMP’s story aspect isn’t as clear, but it’s evident there is a story playing out in the foreground and background, whether intentional or unintentional, or improvised or not.

Character is where some of you might start to question me. It’s obvious MyStreet has characters. I mean, it is a fictional story, after all. But the Dream SMP? Light, they’re obviously people!

Well, my answer to that is yes and no--sort of. The Dream SMP’s story heavily relies on roleplay, bits as you might call them. Events that aren’t necessarily planned out as a fictional plot like the typical MyStreet episode is, but they aren’t exactly real. Schlatt is obviously not a villain in real life, he just likes to impersonate as one for the narrative. Wilbur isn’t crazy, but it’s a way to spice up the heroic story surrounding Tommy and him.

It’s video-game improv. Except the actors behind the content just so happen to be real people playing off the personalities and “brands” they have obtained. 

Brands. It all boils down to this. In the entertainment business, without a clear vision of your project and a clear way to brand what your consumer intakes, your project will likely not find a lot of success.

There’s a reason why Tommy plays off his loudness, using an overexaggerated laugh that although may not be completely fake, it is likely not the laugh he uses everyday. Or why BadBoyHalo is this supposed innocent muffin who doesn’t understand the crafting table meme and other references that are fairly easy to google and find the meaning of. Or why Sapnap is this chaotic being who loves starting pet wars and we love to paint as an arsonist in the Dream SMP. While all of these personality traits may be a part of their true selves, they’re played up for the camera--for the story. They act as the personas that define their characters in the narrative.

They have a clear brand and vision that appeals to the audience and makes them tune in on the daily to see how they all come together. It’s like roleplaying a more extreme version of yourself, one that brings home the money.

Story and characters run across every entertainment outlet. They define their brand. Aphmau has her characters and series. Hermitcraft has a set of memorable personalities and episodic videos that formulate its own story that is less like a narrative and more of a history of the server. ExplodingTNT has his recurring cast and comedic sketches. Most of these niche communities have a form of story and character defining them. It’s how they achieve a clear sense of branding and cater to a specific audience.

Queer Theory in MCYT

Having said all that, why does the MCYT of today draw in so many queer viewers?

Let’s think about this. In my last post, I ended by mentioning DTeam Tumblr is a sort of safe haven for INFP and INxx types who might be placed in the “other” category by society. INFPs, specially, are predisposed for escapism--one common form of it being fiction and entertainment. Not to mention, INFPs are feeling types who, as introverts, seek a personable connection. It’s why it’s so easy for them to obsess over book characters or fall in love with content creators.

Now, let’s imagine a whole community of LGBTQ+ INFP and INxx types. Actually, scratch that, we don’t even have to imagine it.

It’s what our community looks like today.

And why are so many so drawn to the DTeam and Dream SMP of all things? It’s a personable storyline that essentially forms a direct tie to the viewer. Unlike pre-recorded fictional TV series you tune into on your device, the Dream SMP is a whole load of chaos that blurs the lines between reality and fiction where fans can directly connect to creators and get to know them as people through a storyline that features sub-textual queer themes and non-conforming behaviors.

The MCYT content creator community of today is more non-conforming than ever before, and knowing this whole fact, knowing that many of them might place themselves in the “other” category or at the very least aren’t afraid to break the norms and be seen in that light, is a comfort in itself for LGBTQ+ INFP types. Once again, it’s a safe space that helps you escape from the troubles of real life, one you relate to.

Okay. So although this does answer why the fans look like they do, what about the creators themselves? Are we really supposed to believe this all came through naturally? That a bunch of straight guys suddenly decided wearing dresses was something they wanted to do?

I don’t mean to sound cynical here, and I’m in no way trying to insinuate creators have solely some sort of corrupt ulterior motive. Things are never as simple as they look. However, the truth is, a part of it lies on the attention it’s gotten.

I’ve talked a lot about DreamNotFound and the way Dream uses it as a marketing ploy. I stand by my point. However, he’s not the only one who does this in the MCYT community. Why did Finn suddenly go from wearing a dress to cross-dressing as a girl for a whole week? Why are so many creators suddenly deciding wearing dresses is fun? Why does every freaking straight MCYT actively want to flirt with George nowadays?

Let’s just let Techno’s favorite word answer this for us: clout.

It gets attention from one of the largest historically underserved minority community in the entertainment business. We might not be able to see gay flirting in every Netflix TV show or guys not minding dresses and getting fake marriages, but you are certainly going to get at least one of those in every Dream SMP stream and video you tune into. It gets attention. It brings home the money. And do I blame them? Not really.

Interestingly enough, there’s a lot of analytical posts on the MCYT Tumblr community that discuss the dangers of these tactics and why gay jokes and the way queer subtext is treated by MCYT creators is harmful. Despite this, it still attracts such a huge community of queers. So why exactly would queer people actively watch something that’s offensive or harmful to us?

I have a lot more to say about this topic and the morality behind Dream’s tactics, but I’m out of breath for today, so I’ll talk about it in my next post. What better way to start the conversation about the DNF and Karlnap questions of the survey than a good ol’ discussion on the morality of queerbaiting and the likes?

If you got this far, I’d appreciate it if you liked and reblogged this post if you enjoyed it and/or learned something new! Also, important news, I would really like to perform a similar study on the DTeam Twitter Community to measure the differences in demographics across platforms. I would REALLY appreciate it if you guys could go like, retweet and share the link I posted on my Twitter about it (tweet will be linked in the reblog below) so it reaches more of the DTeam Twitter community!

However, if you filled out the survey yourself here or you associate more with DTeam Tumblr than DTeam Twitter please DO NOT fill out the survey again! I’m trying to make sure it reaches the audience that mains on Twitter, but I need a little help with that since I don’t have as big of an influence on Twitter than on here for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, thank you so much for all your support! I really appreciate y’all and make sure to hit the follow if you want to lookout for the next demographics post! <3

(Pssst, I’m releasing a MCYT DNF superpower AU longfic next month... You should totally go check out the post on that if you’re interested in it...)

#dteam #dteamblr #dream smp #dttblr #mcyt #dreamwastaken #dnf #mcyttblr #georgenotfound #dreamnotfound #dttwt #dream team #dteamblr demographics survey

[postpunkpontypandyphantomthief]

Rick! ~ neil-neil-orange-peel ❤️

Sexuality:

Rick is definitely m spec of some sort, he doesn't mind the gender of the person he is attracted to, he adores Felicity Kendall and the models in his Cosmo mags, but he also loves men, he keeps it mostly a secret with the lads and probably goes out to clubs when not stuck in uni or the house, I think he's strongly sapphic when it comes to how he sees women, but I think has a soft spot for men too, anyone with a lovely style or personality will please him.

OTP:

Rivyvyan, they have an interesting dynamic, the way that they spend the most time together out of all the housemates, there's the quote about Vyvyan saying that he fancies him, there's the bit where he goes off to bed and instead of snarky remarks Vyvyan just waves at him (behind a v sign but still sweet)

BROTP:

whatever the term for Mike and Rick would be, they get along...a bit not as strong a connection as Riyvyan though

NOTP:

PoetPye, it's a cute concept, but there's not enough canonical development to make that work for me

First head canon that pops into my head?

Rick is neurodivergent and non binary and you can't tell me otherwise, he is a genderfluid icon of the 80s.

Favourite line from this character?

Anyone here like the human league?

one way that I relate to this character?

Do I have to pick one? , watching him is like viewing a mirror to me, we're both overdramatic whiny poets into pop music with a moderate amount of knowledge on left-wing politics, I guess aside from the pop music/poetry thing, the sensitivity and snarkiness, with my sensitivity, sometimes I don't vibe with certain situations or sensory settings (autism things) and I infodump A LOT about my interests, as for the snarkiness, most of the time it's a light-hearted joke, other times it's me being my sarcastic campy self and I love it, I love playful teasing and me and Rick both share that attitude, it has honestly helped me with my confidence a lot as someone who used to often let people talk over me or use me, now I can stand up for myself more and I think learning the lessons I've learnt from rik characters has partly contributed to that change.

thing that gives me second-hand embarrassment about this character?

his at times spoilt sense of entitlement, (explains why I wasn't a fan of him when I first watched the series, but then he grew on me) and his occasional rudeness towards Neil (cut the guy some slack please, he's trying his best)

that scene in Bambi where he's revising on the train with Neil (because that honestly used to be how I and mum went over my year 9/year 10 revision sometimes, I was Rick, unfortunately)

and the signed rest of the class gag, because to be blunt, when I was about 15/16 I showed a lot of rick's negative traits, but about centrism and the ignorance I had about certain topics, my reactions would at times be erratic, so the not-nice part of my brain sees that scene as being how some old secondary classmates interpret me now (the ones who didn't get on with me anyway)

Cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

I'd say both, I once got a very detailed comment from a communist? on Twitter who was very unhappy with the fact I saw rick as a positive character but compared to characters like Alan, Rick is just a misguided queer person as some of us all were when we were dipping our toes into LGBT and political communities for the first time, he might be a bit bratty but again some of us were, he was one of the fictional characters that made me feel seen, I still remember the feeling I felt when something as small as the "I'm not a girl at all" quote resonated with me when I watched The Young Ones back in 2017, I know me and the character have our differences, but we have enough similarities to have that positive connection, Rick and Rik have helped me so much when it comes to my current friendships, my creativity and my confidence when it comes to my mental growth, I am a melodramatic poet but I'm also determined and kind and care about what I post and talk about and I'm proud to do what I love with people I love whilst being proud of being the non binary trans icon that I am ❤️

#the young ones #question tag #headcanon tag #rick pratt

[werevulvi]

I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.

#my stick up my arse about trans women #its hurt not hate #rant #analytical drivel #gender critical #radfem safe #detransition

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 9: Little Graduation (originally posted on March 15, 2021)

AN: It's good to be back in business! Steven Universe: Alternate Future has returned at last, and with it, the plot begins to thicken. If I were to compare all four parts to RWBY, the previous one is Volume 1 (goofy fun times with some fighting), this one will be Volume 2 (a fine mix of both), Part 3 is Volume 3 (everything goes to hell), and finally Part 4 is a mix of Volumes 4 & 5 (dealing with the aftermath of Part 3, but things will get much better at the end.) Anyways, can Steven keep a lid on his negative emotions? How long before he learns what Black Rutile has planned for him? And will he be both physical and mentally strong enough to fight one last evil Gem? Tune in and find out!

Synopsis: As Steven prepares a party for Little Homeschool's first graduating class, his fears of growing apart from his friends slowly become reality.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven

Matthew Moy as Lars

Kate Micucci as Sadie

Indya Moore as Shep

Brian Posehn as Sour Cream

Lamar Abrams as Buck

Reagan Gomez Preston as Jenny

Erica Luttrell as Padparadscha Sapphire

Kathleen Fisher as Fluorite

Enuka Okuma as Rhodonite

Ashly Burch as Rutile Twins

Deedee Magno Hall as Morganite's Pearl

Charlyne Yi as Morganite's Ruby

Laura Bailey as Titanite

Michaela Dietz as Blue Lace Agate

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald

--

"Teens by day, hey! We're all right." Steven began singing along to Sade Killer and the Suspects' hit song as he drove away from home one relaxing day in Beach City. "Teens by day, but every night we're Sadie Killer and the Suspects! Whoa, Sadie Killer and the Suspects!"

Steven continued singing as he drove through Beach City until he made a stop at Lars's interstellar pastry shop Spacetries. Today was a special day, and Lars was going to be an essential part of it.

"Hey, Blue Lace." Steven greeted the Agate as he entered the shop.

"Hey, Steven." Blue Lace replied with a wave. "If you're looking for Lars, he's right over there." She added before getting back to rolling some dough.

"Hey Steven, here to pick up the cake?" Lars asked while looking over the order Steven placed.

"Yeah," Steven answered. "but I also wanted to check up on you. How are things?"

"Oh, y'know, same old same old." The pink man replied just as the door opened behind the pair. "Wait, is that-"

"Hey Steven, hi Lars!" Sadie Miller cheerfully greeted the duo. When Steven and Lars turned around, they saw that Sadie had changed a lot since they last saw her. Sadie's hair was now fully blonde again and in a ponytail. She wore a pink headband, had a white shirt with a blue one tied around her waist, and black pants. "Long time no see, you two."

"Sadie!" Steven cheered at the sight of his old friend. "Oh my gosh, I can't remember the last time we were together in a pastry establishment!"

"Yo Sadie, I got your moon cakes." Lars said, presenting a box with a moon symbol on the sides to his former co-worker and handing it to her.

"Thanks, Lars." Sadie responded gratefully as she took the box of moon cakes.

"So, how are things going with you and Shep?" Lars followed up.

"What?" Steven asked, completely confused about who the pair were talking about. "Who's Shep?"

"Shep's my new partner." Sadie said to Steven. "They're real cool & chill, and I can't believe we've been dating for two months now!"

"That's cool, I guess." Lars said awkwardly. "Tell them I said hi for me."

"Will do, Lars." Sadie replied as she left the store. "See you again someday."

"Shep, someday?" Steven continued asking, still unaware of what was going on. "Is there something I'm missing?"

"As Sadie said, Shep's her new partner." Lars reiterated for his ex-girlfriend. "They met while the Suspects were touring, and love was just in the air for them from there. I met them myself, and I find it nice Sadie fell for someone who isn't a real piece of work like I was back in the day."

"Yeah, you were kind of a jerk back then." Steven chuckled nostalgically. "Which reminds me, why did Sadie say "see you again someday"?"

"Oh, that." Lars said, nervously rubbing his neck. "Really wish I told you earlier, but I'm gonna be going back to space once the Off-Colors graduate tonight."

"Wait, you're leaving Earth so soon?!" Steven gasped at the shocking news. "But what about the shop?!"

"Don't worry, Steven, I'll cover for him!" Blue Lace called from her counter.

"Thanks, Blue Lace! I always could count on you." Lars said to his employee before returning to Steven. "I'm just ready to move on, cause that's just life. You get what I'm saying, right? I mean, now that Little Homeschool is all finished, what do you wanna do now?"

"I, uh…" Steven began stumbling over his words at the thought of thinking about what to do next now that he's saved the universe from the Diamonds' tyranny and resolving most of his issues with his family.

"Hey, graduation cake's ready!" Lars declared, derailing Steven's train of thought. "See you tonight, Steven, okay?"

"Okay." Steven replied.

--

"When me and my partners first discovered fusion, it was the most wonderful experience any of us had shared, and couldn't bear to be torn apart from then on." One of Fluorite's components, a large green Gem named Titanite, said to an audience of fellow Gems and humans later that night at the big graduation ceremony. Behind her stood her lovers, Lavender Jade, Iolite, Rubellite, Indicolite & Verdelite, along with the Ruby & Pearl that make up Rhodonite, the Rutile twins, and Padparadscha Sapphire. "Even when we declared pariahs for our love, we refused to let it get us down. Now, centuries later, we're finally free to express ourselves without fear of persecution, and we couldn't be happier. Thank you, Steven, for everything."

The audience began cheering as Titanite bowed and returned to her partners to give them all a big hug, which resulted in them all forming Fluorite once again. "Oh my." She said slowly. "It really has been so long since we've been apart."

As Fluorite took her place alongside the other Off-Colors, Ruby and Pearl were next. "As Titanite said, fusion was the most wonderful time we spent together." The Pearl stated. "In fact, Fluorite was the first cross-Gem fusion just like us that we encountered, and our little Off-Color family grew from there."

"The Morganite we formerly served refused to let us fuse because she feared it would endanger her status until she finally had us replaced." The Ruby added. "When we got the news, we fled as soon as it was broken to us while Shattering Robonoids chased us down. But thankfully, we were able to survive, and now, here we are."

The audience cheered again as the pair of Gems kissed on stage, once again merging into Rhodonite before she took her place alongside the Off-Colors. Next to make a speech were the Rutile twins.

"My sister here and I popped out as one Gem due to some incident with the Injectors that created us." The left Rutile explained. "We weren't even supposed to live, but we did anyways because all the other Rutiles ran from us."

"We were nearly shattered right then and there, but Fluorite found a way to help us escape, and there we stayed." The right Rutile added. "At least, until Steven and Lars came into our lives, on the run as well. We helped them out, and they helped us in return. And we couldn't be more grateful."

As the Rutiles left the mic, Padparadscha Sapphire became the last Off-Color to give a speech. However, hers was a lot shorter. "I'm going to give a grand speech at the graduation ceremony tonight!" she declared brightly. "Oh, what fun!"

The crowd began laughing before Steven took the mic for himself and led Padparadscha away. "Thank you, Paddy, that was very moving." He joked, prompting more laughter. "We're all so proud to see our graduates grow and stay together as everyone goes their separate ways while moving onto bigger and better things. Well, besides me, of course. I'll be staying right here in Beach City, teaching the next generation of Little Homeschool graduates. Okay, now move those tassels!"

The Off-Colors each moved the tassels on their caps.

"Now, let's give a hearty con-grad-ulations to our first alumnae of Little Homeschool!" Steven exclaimed, prompting everyone to cheer.

--

Soon after, the Off-Colors left the stage while a party celebrating the ceremony commenced. Steven wandered around the beach, looking around at Gems and humans interacting before seeing Sadie interacting with someone he never saw before. They were dark-skinned and wearing a backwards cap, a crop top, nose ring, purple joggers, blue and white high-tops, four colorful bracelets, and a dark green backpack.

"Oh, hey Steven, I never got the chance to introduce you to my new partner." Sadie called for Steven. "I'd like you to meet Shep."

"It's nice to meet you, Steven." Shep greeted Steven.

"So, is it true that you and Sadie have been dating for almost two months?" Steven asked Shep.

"Yeah, that's true." Shep replied. "We met during one of Sadie's concerts a while back, and after exchanging numbers, things just fell into place."

"You know, some people say you don't really get to know them until you get stranded on an island with them." Steven chuckled, though Shep didn't get his joke.

"Uh, do people really say that?" Shep wondered. "Whatever. Sadie and I are going to get cake; then we'll perform at 7."

"That's right." Sadie laughed before the two of them left for some graduation cake. "See you then Steven."

"Wait a sec; I thought you were performing with the Suspects?" Steven halted Sadie for a bit.

"Actually, Shep and I are planning to do a song together." The ex-donut girl said, gesturing to her non-binary partner.

"Uh, cool. Can't wait to get it." Steven replied nervously.

"Cool." Shep smiled as they left with Sadie. "Catch you later."

Steven noticed Lars was also going to get some cake and tried to block his path. "I wouldn't go over there if I were you."

"Is something the matter Steven?" Lars asked his younger friend. "I mean, the cake was just what you ordered."

"No, it's about Sadie and Shep." Steven revealed while gazing at the couple.

"Oh, nice." Lars grinned. "I'll stop by and say hey."

"But, aren't you okay?!" Steven tried to call for the pink man.

"Aren't you?" Lars repeated Steven's question, causing the half-Gem boy to put on a fake grin.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Steven replied before he spotted Jenny Pizza sitting on the stage, having herself a drink. "'sup, Jenny?"

"Hey Steven!" the Pizza girl greeted Steven. "Looks like everyone's enjoying the graduation so far."

"Yep, everyone but me." Steven said sorrowfully. "I guess it looks like everyone's got something new going on."

"Yeah, it's not a bad thing, though," Jenny replied before she began pointing at both of her fellow Cool Kids. "Sour Cream has regular gigs as a DJ in Empire City." She explained while Sour Cream laid on Fluorite's massive head, and Buck conversed with Rhodonite at the refreshments. "And Buck's got into medical school, so he's gonna be saving lives in like, 20 years. Meanwhile, I've been going all out on my new phone jackets."

"What's that?" Steven asked before Jenny pulled out her phone, which was wearing a miniature coat to demonstrate.

"It's my new online business," Jenny explained. "We, and I'm using the royal we here, make the finest jackets suited for your mobile device."

"Aw, it's got little pockets!" Steven cooed in amazement at the jacket's features before he made another discovery. "And it's got its own little phone too! How are you going to find time to make and sell these?"

"Well, I'm gonna have a lot of time now that the Suspects are breaking up." Jenny casually revealed to Steven's alarm.

"Seriously, what?!" Steven yelled in shock.

"I suppose Sadie didn't tell you." Jenny guessed, just as Sadie and Shep returned from eating cake.

"Hey Steven, you ready for us?" Sadie asked.

"Oh, yeah, sure!" Steven suddenly remembered and walked over to the microphone. "So, is everyone having a good time tonight?" he asked the audience, and they cheered in response. "Who here's a Sadie Killer and the Suspects fan?! Cause tonight's performance only has one member."

"Oh boy." Lars muttered.

"So, please welcome to the stage," Steven continued, but then stopped to ask the two musicians. "Uh, what's your band called again?"

"We haven't thought of a name yet." Sadie admitted.

"Uh-huh, well, could've asked me." Steven giggled nervously before he began to walk offstage. "I'm really good at naming bands."

As Steven left, Sadie turned the microphone to her. "This is a little something Shep and I have been working on lately." She announced. "We hope you all like it."

"We will accept any criticism afterward." Shep stated when Sadie pointed the microphone to them before playing their recorder, cuing Sadie to sing.

"When I was younger and I hated fun," Sadie sang. "I was always looking back on what I should've done. I used to live my life in fear, of all the bad performances that led me here. But, I'm looking forward, I'm looking forward. I'm looking forward now."

While the song continued, Lars turned away from his ex on stage and proceeded to walk away.

"Lars?" Steven said to the donut boy turned space hero.

"Oh, hey Steven." Lars calmly greeted his friend, who began to run after him.

"Lars, wait up!" Steven called. "Hey Lars, where are you going?"

"I'm just gonna bounce, only wanted to spend time with the old gang before the Off-Colors and I go off-world," Lars answered. "Big parties really ain't my thing."

"But, you're leaving Earth tomorrow!" Steven cried as his body began taking on a faded pink hue. "When can I ever see you again?"

"You can see me whenever." Lars tried to assure Steven. "I've got the same powers as that lion of yours, so you can just pop out of my hair whenever you want."

"W-w-w-wait, please don't go!" Steven begged the space captain.

"It's been real Steven." Lars said farewell, or so he thought.

"Lars," Steven muttered before he fully turned pink. "STOP!"

Suddenly, Lars found himself bumping into a pink wall that slowly grew into a massive dome that trapped everyone at the ceremony.

"Steven, what's happening?!" Lars yelled as he pounded on the wall of the dome.

"I have no idea either!" Steven exclaimed in response.

"Really, you got no idea where this dome came from?!" Sour Cream yelled.

"Let's hope it doesn't end up like in that book!" Buck replied.

"I think this dome was created by someone having some powerful emotions, and I think we all know who it is." Steven declared before pointing to who he thought it was. "Lars!"

"Wait, what?!" everyone else gasped in shock.

"I don't think that's right!" Lars said defensively.

"No, I'm sure I'm right!" Steven lied to get out of opening up about his own feelings. "We won't get out of here until you work things out with Sadie! I'm pretty sure you guys haven't even talked since you got back, Lars!"

"We actually did, a few times." Sadie revealed solemnly. "Look, Steven, we did try to reconnect, but things just didn't work out between us. Plus, there's also the fact that despite how much we changed, we just weren't right for each other."

"Sadie knows I miss her, and I'm just too happy that she found someone to love herself." Lars added, prompting a touched reaction from Shep.

"And I know Lars is happier being with the Off-Colors in space." Sadie said.

"But when did this happen?!" Steven cried in disbelief. "I wasn't there for any of that!"

"That's because it was private!" Sadie answered.

"Yeah, I mean, you can't just stick yourself into other people's lives like the universe revolves around you and things only happen with you around." Lars pointed out. "Trust me; I know what that's like. Mostly the universe revolving around you part."

The crowd inside the dome was silent for a tiny bit, except for Jenny letting out a cough.

"But, I thought you were leaving because you were jealous of Shep." Steven broke the silence.

"I'm leaving because traveling through space is tons of fun." Lars declared. "Adventure is out there, as they say, and there's still tons of adventures for me and the Off-Colors to go on. Heck, we can even teach other planets what you taught us!"

"Okay, so there's nothing to work out then." Steven realized, but then he noticed something. "Hey, is it getting claustrophobic in here, or is it just me?"

The dome began to shrink more and more, despite everyone's best efforts to push it back.

"Steven, you want to get rid of this dome already?!" Rhodonite panicked while helping the Cool Kids try to keep the dome from shrinking.

"I'm trying, okay?!" Steven yelled anxiously. "Just gotta concentrate real hard!"

"Hey, Steven?" Shep stepped forward to comfort Steven.

"Not now, Shep, still concentrating!" Steven tried to ignore Shep.

"Please, listen to me." Shep urged the boy.

"Look, if I don't get rid of this dome quick, all my friends will die!" Steven screamed, now on the verge of tears.

"Wouldn't be the first time." Lars quipped in the possible face of death.

"Okay, but your magic's connected to your feelings, correct?" Shep theorized as they looked around them. "This is just a hunch, but it seems you made this dome because you're sad your friends are leaving, and want them to stay with you."

"I don't see what you're talking about." Steven replied.

"No, listen, you'd be surprised at how observant I can be." Shep assured Steven. "I think maybe you're figuring yourself out, and you want some friends to help you."

"Okay, you're right!" Steven confessed. "I've always been trying to help my friends, but now it seems like they don't need me anymore! I don't know who I am without them!"

"Aw, Steven, you're great. But you still need to let us go and live our own lives." Sadie convinced him while the dome began to squeeze them all together.

"I know, but I don't want to hold any of you back." Steven let out his current feelings as he felt himself get crushed between the dome and Fluorite's body. "I just can't help it if my big ol' heart still loves you all."

"Awww, Steven!" Jenny squealed in delight.

"We'll all still be friends." Sadie assured her little friend.

"Even if some of us are lightyears away." Lars added hopefully.

"You guys." Steven giggled before he returned to his normal color, and the dome finally disappeared.

"Hm, that wasn't the worst party we've been to." Jenny stated before she began to leave.

"Yeah, see ya Steven." Sour Cream added, beginning to walk away as well.

"At least there was no toxic air involved." Buck concurred.

"It was nice seeing you again." Sadie said, hugging Steven.

"Yeah, it was nice seeing all of you again too," Steven replied, now happier than he was earlier. "You two make a good couple."

"Hey, thanks." Shep replied gratefully. "You want a CD of our song?"

"How about a tape?" Steven suggested to them.

"Got your back." Shep said, handing Steven a tape of the song they just played. "Okay, take it easy."

As the couple left, Steven was now left alone with Lars. "Uh, Lars?"

"Gotta make this quick, Steven." Lars answered. "Me and the Off-Colors gotta," He stuck his tongue out and made a raspberry sound.

"First off, I'm sorry for what happened," Steven said meekly. "And second, do you think I can be a bit too controlling?"

"This coming from the guy who took over my body because you wanted me to be a nicer person." Lars chuckled. "But it's still cute you didn't want me to leave."

"I don't want you to leave!" Steven exclaimed.

"Hey, buck up Steven." Lars comforted the half-Gem. "As I said earlier, you can visit me anytime."

"It's just, for a second, we were all together on Earth again." Steven sighed heavily. "Maybe I just don't like graduations. Maybe I should leave Little Homeschool."

"Hey, come here." Lars then brought Steven in for a hug while the Off-Colors stood by watching. "Are you going to let go anytime soon?"

"Just a couple more minutes." Steven replied.

--

The next day, the Crystal Gems had begun welcoming new students to Little Homeschool. But Steven, having now quit teaching at the school, was still a little gloomy from last night.

While Sadie and Shep's song played in Steven's car, he drove out into the woods and then laid down on the roof, gazing up at the night sky. Just what was next for him?

--

"Lars of the Stars is back in business, baby!" Lars cheered as he once again made himself comfortable in the captain's seat of the Sun Incinerator. "So, what should we do now gang? Something good? Something bad? A bit of both?"

"You lead the way, captain." Rhodonite turned back to her human captain with a smile.

"Y'know what, let's just fly around and see what happens!" Lars declared after giving it some thought and ordered the Incinerator to blast off into the starry yonder.

Close by, another spaceship loomed behind the Sun Incinerator, and its captain had the Off-Colors by the tail.

"Finally." Emerald declared to herself as she spied on her prized ship flying around. "After so much waiting, I have you in my sights."

Emerald then pulled up a holographic screen that presented her with Black Rutile, and she eagerly awaited further commands from her cape-wearing master.

--

So opens the curtain on Part 2. Will we see Lars and the Off-Colors again, and will Emerald finally get her precious Sun Incinerator back? But enough about them for now, wait until later this part while we start dealing with more Earth-based matters, like plants for example! See you then!

#steven universe #steven universe future #fanfiction #steven universe alternate future #steven quartz universe #lars barriga #sadie miller #shep #fluorite #rhodonite #rutile twins #padparadscha sapphire

[marshmallowprotection]

And I’m back for another oc matchup-

Name: Aster Laxour (la-crow)

Age: 21

Gender/ sexuality: Non-binary, but not out yet, bisexual

Looks: teal curly hair, usually in a ponytail or braided bun, tanned and freckly skin, dark brown eyes, bridge and lip piercing, often told that they’re “otherworldly beautiful”

Aster is the middle child of a three kid family. They have an older sister and a younger brother who they’re often compared to. They grew up rich, told that they’re beautiful and wonderful, but also always compared to their siblings.

Their parents love them, but do push them to succeed. Their brother and sister seen to have an easier time with things, making them slightly bitter. But they are showered with love and praise.

But their extended family, which is HUGE, tends to compare them constantly. To their extended family, Aster is always shy of good enough. And when outside, they know that people compare them too.

All this lead to Aster developing depression and anxiety, but they do go to therapy, and they told their family about it. They are close with their siblings, the three always support and help each other out, but there’s always this underlying tension and doubt.

Aster is,,, wacky, I guess. Their style is very unique, they shop at thrift and antique stores mostly. Will buy an ugly shirt just to spite someone. They love DIY projects, very good with fixing things.

They swim and run for fun, and used to do competitive swimming but it made them to anxious, so they quit. They also love archery, been doing it since they were a little kid. They have two dogs and a cat, and a spider.

They live in a modestly sized apartment, and calls their family every weekend, visits every couple of weeks. They don’t care much for tradition, but will go along with it.

They tend to be rather logical, but can joke and prank a lot. Also, don’t let them near technology because they WILL somehow break it. Despite that they seem to be okay with iPhones lol. Their love language is quality time and words of affirmation, and they like physical touch, although they aren’t a naturally touchy person.

I match you with...

Yoosung!

You're a creative person and it goes to show that everything that you put your energy into shows just how much you care about that thing. You've had a better chance in life than a lot of people but you don't take that for granted because you know how to be humble. Being able to have support from the people that you care about the most is always rather hard to find. You're a really active person but sometimes it's hard to get back into the swing of things because your little worries start to pop up and they're hard to control Wednesday and started. Because of this you're looking for someone that can hold your hand and at the same time make you feel grounded in a stormy sea. You just need someone who understands your energy and doesn't think that you're a wackadoo. For that, that's why someone like Yoosung won't hurt.

With him, there's never any worry to be more or less than you already are. There's no need to try to be someone you're not. You just get to be yourself with him and more than you could have ever have asked for. He just likes being able to hang out with you, and he understands what it feels like to be stuck in a rock and a hard place when it comes to being compared to the people around you. He's always comparing himself and feeling like he's no good compared to his friends, so he knows where you're coming from. The two of you support each other at a time in your life when you need it most.

Sometimes the two of you can be a little hopeless together. It's adorably Charming in that you both complement each other and work together on the things that may not always line up.

#mod kait #ask #slytherin1318 #matchup

[sope-and-shine]

Christmas Special: Day 23

-> Pairing: Dad!Yoongi x Reader -> Family!AU // Neighbors!AU  -> Word Count: 5.4k -> Summary: With the holiday around the corner and a bad breakup stopping you in your holiday loving tracks, there’s only one medicine to help you...and she came in the form of your 4 year old neighbor with a gummy smile and a big heart. -> Warning(s): Mentions of toxic behavior (change yourself for no man, woman, or non-binary individuals) // mild language

A/N: ignore the time. I know. It’s fine. Everything is fine.

Whenever the topic of Christmas came up, you were always the friend hopping right in. By January 3rd you knew what presents everyone would get for the next year, what decorations you would use next year, what seasonal candles you’d string around your home. You were the type of Christmas Crazy that was ready to go for Christmas by the time October hit, but held in your urges just until Halloween passed and November began.

Your boyfriend was not that type of person. To be frank, he’s never been excited about anything, he didn’t even like Christmas all that much. He’s never been the type to get overly excited about Christmas, even when he was younger he didn’t care all that much. He’s not the type to go over the top for any holiday at all if it doesn’t involve getting shitfaced at a party. But you aren’t the type to get shitfaced at parties.

Perhaps that’s why you’ve found yourself in this situation.

“What do you mean, ‘You don’t think this is working out?’ I thought everything was okay?” You ask. The last thing you expected your boyfriend of 3 years to bring up on your date, was the topic of breaking up after everything you’ve been through. Every holiday, every birthday, every hardship, and every piece of good news.

This was the last thing you expected.

Daniel - said boyfriend - sighs, “Baby...You and I just aren’t working out anymore.”

“Why? Why aren’t we working out?” You ask, still confused as to what had suddenly changed in your relationship. Just last week you had been talking about marriage and moving in together, even a family!

He hesitates with his answer, looking very unsure of how to answer you question, as if he weren’t ready to tell you why. 

“We’re just...too different.” He finally gets out, much to your displeasure. You’re even shocked with his statement. As you recall, your above-average love for the holiday season and hyperactive persona in general had been what attracted him in the first place. 

“You said you liked that I was different. You said you liked everything about me!” You remind him. You watch him visibly stiffen and close his eyes. It wasn’t just that, there was something else that was bothering him, and he wouldn’t say it.

“Well, I take it back!” He yells, startling you and a few of the tables around your own. He quickly composes himself and offers you a smile before he drops it again. That’s when he finally admits it.“I just...I’m not happy anymore. I can’t take...you anymore”

His confession is a hard pill to swallow, especially in such a public space like this. Not just any space, but your favorite space to go when you’re working - looks like you’ll be in search of a new one now. You truthfully never expected this from him, never in a million years would you have thought he would end things this way, especially because of you. But you’re a big girl, and you can do this without being petty like most people.

“Okay.” You sigh, not happy about the decision he made, but you have no ground to hold him there.

“Okay?” You can tell he’s confused by your unusual lack of emotion. You wore your heart on your sleeve, and this blank expression you were returning made him confused. But he didn’t have the right to complain about your lack of reaction to his harsh breakup. 

You shrug, “You’re not happy...you should know me well enough to know that I’m not the type of person to force you into anything you really don’t want to…”

“I know…” He sighs. Part of him knew what he was doing may be a mistake he’d regret later, but at this moment it just felt right for him. He takes your hands in his, surprised when you flinch at his touch. His eyes search yours for anything, but you refuse to meet his eyes at full face value, “I’m really sorry this couldn’t work out between us (Y/n).”

“It’s okay.” You assure him, flashing him your bright smile. Even so, he can still see the pain in your eyes from the bad news. You both decide to cut your meeting short, sharing one last hug before you part your separate ways - Him to his apartment downtown, and you to your house uptown. The journey you normally spent thinking about the next time you would see you handsome boyfriend, became the longest bus ride you’d ever taken trying not to cry over what just occurred in your favorite tea shop. But once you did get to the familiar bus stop, and you began to walk through the quiet neighborhood that you knew so well, you couldn’t help but let the tears fall. One after the other, they kept falling and falling until you could barely see where you were going, only relying on muscle memory to keep you going in the direction of your home. 

Who knew the end of a 3 year relationship could put you in shambles like this? Who knew that one person leaving your life could feel this terrible, like your heart was being ripped right out of your chest and taken away forever. It wasn’t like you’d never been broken up with before - you had 3 boyfriends before this one - so why did this one have to matter so much to you? Why did this one have you stopped in front of your mailbox to use it as a support in the middle of your very open neighborhood?

“Miss (Y/n)!” A familiar little voice of your 5 year old neighbor calls from your left.

You’re quick to stand up from your hunched position and wipe your tears, plastering the biggest smile you can muster for the little girl you knew was most likely running in your direction from her porch. Your guess is right of course, her little, black pigtails - with a green stripe on each side - that have been stuffed under her sparkly red beanie bounce with her as she runs to you through her yard. Her smile is bright and gummy just like her father - though her personality is a bit more lively than his - and you can tell she’s been waiting for you to get home just like every other day.

“Hannie~” You cheer, bending down to catch the little girl and pull her into your arms. She throws her arms around you in the same teddy bear hug she gives you everytime she sees you, and you can feel some of the sadness that you had been feeling since the tea shop fade away with the power of this one hug. She never failed to put a smile on your face, and you couldn’t be more thankful for her living next to you and loving to visit you more than you are now. 

“How’s my little Astronaut?” You ask, remembering her newest fixation for the week. Last week she’d wanted to be a Tooth Fairy, but she gave up when she realized she didn’t have money to give people. The week before that, she’d wanted to be a teacher, but Namjoon started trying to teach her how he did and she fell asleep. She didn’t want anyone falling asleep on her. So, it was no surprise to you when she pouted and shook her head, “I don’t want to be Astronaut anymore, Miss (Y/n). Daddy said I have to go to space without him, and I can’t do that. So, I’m going to be a Doctor and take care of Daddy when he gets older and lonelier!”

You laugh at her declaration, “Have you been going to Jeonggukkie’s house after daycare again?”

“Unfortunately, she has.” Another familiar voice chimes in. You look up to find Yoongi standing on the sidewalk in front of you with his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. His mint green hair that matches the stripes of his daughters pigtails are tucked under a less sparkly red beanie, a matching red scarf covering the bottom half of his face. He looks like he just got back from work, and stopping by your home to wait for you was a bump in his plans to relax after a long day.

But hey, you could relate to a bump in the road of an already long day.

“Long day at work?” You ask, glad that the setting sun was here to mask the redness of your eyes and the smudged makeup that still lingers with it.

He shrugs, “It can only be so long when your clients all want flowers or hearts tattooed on their hips or their wrists. I’m guessing yours was a little longer?”

Maybe it wasn’t as dark as you thought. You divert your eyes from your neighbor and wipe under your eyes just a bit more than you had when Haneul ran over to see you, “You could say that.”

“Did you have a bad day, Miss (Y/n)? Daddy has bad days sometimes, but he says my hugs make him feel better!” Her little arms wrap around your neck again, her pillowy cheek pressing against your own as she squeezes whatever she can out of you. She was so innocent compared to you, and her child-like sense of how to fix your broken heart made you want to burst into tears again. “Do feel better? Is my hug working? Should I hug harder?!”

You sigh, pulling her just a little tighter against you for comfort, “Don’t you worry about me, Hannie. Your hug makes me feel a trillion times better!”

“That much better?!” She asks, her eyes wide in surprise when she pulls away.

“That much!” You assure her, a bittersweet smile on your face. You felt better, but you still felt like you’d been run over by a car and then run over a second time for good measure. You set the little girl down on the ground and pat her off in the direction of her father. “You go ahead back to your house and I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? We’ll have the best playdate ever!”

“Okay!” She nods excitedly and runs back to her father, slipping her small hand into the one he pulled out of his pocket at her silent request. Seeing the two ready to go back to their own home, you head in the direction of your front door.

“(Y/n)!” Yoongi calls. You turn to see him still standing in your driveway with his daughter waiting patiently at his side. His face doesn’t show any emotion, but you can tell he’s conflicted about something. “Are you okay?”

You nod your head, unwilling to really discuss how you were feeling at the moment. You just wanted to get inside and go to sleep after the terrible day you’ve had. “I’m fine, Yoongi, just a really long day. I promise.”

He doesn’t look like he believes you, but he nods and lets the subject go anyways. He nods, “Okay...I’ll drop off Haneul and Holly at 8:30 tomorrow then.”

“Can’t wait.” You smile and vid him goodnight, finally entering your home and allowing yourself to relax and reflect on your day. Only, there’s no little girl to comfort you now, just an empty house with no one to come and relieve your pain.

—-

As the weeks pass and the dry, cold fall weather turns into the icy air of winter, you still have yet to recover from the blow that had been dealt to you. You still did your regular, everyday activities: working on your book at home - or going to the office to have your chapters proofread by your editor - babysitting Haneul on days she wasn’t at daycare, watching Holly even when you didn’t have Hannie, binge watching TV, binge eating in front of the TV. You did everything you normally did except the one activity that never failed to bring a smile to your face.

Christmas decorating. 

It was no surprise that with your extreme love and passion for the holiday that you would have a reputation for the best Christmas decorations on the block. Every year you seemed to outdo yourself, and every year your neighbors became even more thoroughly impressed by your charisma and endless ideas. But with your recently shattered heart, there was nothing that felt right to you anymore, nothing seemed as important to you anymore. Not even Christmas…

...especially if you were alone…

This didn’t go unnoticed however. Your editor - Park Jimin - was the first one that had talked to you about your lack of Holiday cheer(Remind you, your holiday cheer started the 1st of November.) So, when a week into November you don’t start blaring Christmas music from your earbuds for everyone to hear as you walk through his office, he gets a little worried that you may be feeling unwell.

“Are you sure everything is fine?” Jimin asks in the middle of his reading.

You look up from the corrections he had already suggested, pausing from reading through them to meet his concerned gaze. Over the past few you weeks you had been working on chilling out, not getting into the holiday as much as you used to. It was hard at first, but you felt that you were finally getting into the flow of not overdoing the holiday like Daniel said you did.

“Of course, everything is fine. Why wouldn’t it be?” You ask. You shrug and return to your reading, annoying Jimin to no end that you were just going to ignore his concerns for over your well-being.

“You’re...oddly quiet.” He phrases, taking careful steps to not be overbearing on the situation.

You look up again for just a moment with a raised brow, “Did you want me to be loud?”

“No! It’s just-” He sighs in frustration and shakes his head. He was going to get nowhere with you, and he knew it. Anytime you brushed him off like this, he knew there was no point in trying at all. But still, he’d give a go at it at least. “You’re not getting into the Christmas spirit like you usually do.”

You shrug, “It’s just a holiday, Jimin. I don’t have to be excited all the time.”

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with my favorite client?” He asks. One: He didn’t expect you to answer the question at all, he thought you would avoid it completely. Two: He definitely didn’t expect an answer like that!

“I’m only your favorite client because you get paid by the hour and I suck with grammar.” You comment, completely ignoring the problem at hand.

“Don’t you try and change the subject on me, Missy!” He scolds. He drops your second draft on his desk and reaches over the hard wood to rip his changes out of your hands. You glare at him, but he persists. “Tell me what’s going on.”

You sigh and sit back in your chair, ignoring his intense glare, “Look, I’m just going through something right now. I promise you I’m fine, I just need some time to get through this on my own.”

“You know I’m not a fan of leaving people to suffer on their own.” He reminds you. Jimin was the type of person that had to make sure his friends were taken care of and in good health. He never left an argument to fester, he never resorted to violence, and he’d never let you suffer in silence unless you left him completely in the dark - like you were trying to do right now.

You shrug, thinking on your feet to divert his attention - hopefully for good. “You didn’t have a problem when I called you at two in the morning to get cookies.”

“I was in Japan.” He defends.

“Still didn’t care.” You argue.

After Jimin’s failed attempt at getting you to talk about your problems, your brother Hosek was the next person to question your new attitude. Hoseok - just like you - has always been hyper and excited about the holiday season. Then again, you’re brother was excited by a lot of things very easily. So when he came back from the vacation he’d taken with his girlfriend and arranged a day for the two of you to catch up, he was genuinely shocked that you were not wearing anything remotely correlated to Christmas. 

“What are you wearing?” He asks when you finally sit down with your drink.

You look down at your white sweater, jeans, black, wedge ankle boots, and your waist length brown coat. You shrug, “Um...clothes?”

“Where’s your Christmas scarf, or your sweater, or your socks, or that cute hat Lina got for you last Christmas?” He asks.

“One: You traded me the Christmas mugs she bought for you in exchange for that hat, so you tell me.” You remind him, very clearly remembering the fight he put up for you to give him the hand-knit hat his girlfriend had gifted you because he loved it so much despite her telling him she could just make him another one. You pull your drink to your lips and take a quick sip, “Second: Not everything I wear has to be Christmas related.”

“I’m sorry, did you hit your head?” He asks.

You shrug, “No, I just realized that I’m a little too old to be overbearing about a useless Holiday.”

“Uselss-What happened while I was away?!” Your brother is flabbergasted at this point. He left for two weeks to go on vacation, and now that he’s back you’re suddenly a different person? Christas has always been an important holiday in both of your lives, and seeing you just brush it off as another day was like watching a mother just abandon her child. “Christmas is our favorite holiday, (Y/n). We’ve loved Christmas since we were little kids! I literally talked to you about your Christmas plans with Daniel before I left on my vacation with Lina!”

“Yeah, well, I’m not feeling it this year.” You say, “Let’s just catch up, okay?”

“Did something happen between you and Daniel?” He asks suddenly. His questions catches you off guard and your facade breaks for a moment, just enough for him to realize he’s hit the nail on the head. “You broke up...didn’t you?”

“So what if we did?” You ask.

“(Y/n)...you can talk to me about this.” He sighs. He leans over the table and takes one hand in his, reminding you of how Daniel had broken it off with you.

You pull your hand away and glare at your brother, “No, I can’t. Nor do I have to.”

“(Y/n)-” “No!” You’ve had enough at this point. You came here to see your brother, not to be harassed and interrogated about your failed love life.“Hoseok, I don’t care what you have to say about this. I’m a grown woman and I can handle a small break up on my own without my big brother trying to protect me.”

“I just want to be there for you.” He defends. Hoseok is also annoyed, and you can tell by the look on his face. He’s usually just as bubbly as you are, but right now he’s too annoyed to let his bubbly self through.

“Yeah well, forget it.” You sigh and quickly grab your purse off the back of your chair. You stand with your drink and give your brother a weak wave goodbye. “I need to go,” You excuse yourself without even waiting for his response or looking back, and you ignore every call that he attempts.

You felt bad about leaving him in the middle of your lunch date - you still feel bad about leaving - but you didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened with your ex. You didn’t need anyone’s help in getting over him, because it was your fault anyways. He didn’t like you because you were different, and if that was the problem then you needed the time to change on your own. With everyone questioning the new you, how could you even afford to change for the better? However, it was not only the adults noticing your change in behavior.

Little Haneul was the first of the many individuals who noticed your sudden change, and she did ask you about it. But with her being a child barely even in school, you paid her questions no mind and easily brushed them off with the excuse that you were just growing up a little. That did not sit well for long with the little girl. She loved your spirit for Christmas, how bubbly and excitable you were, because she felt like you were just like her. Without a mother figure in her life, you held that place in her heart as what a mother should be. And now that you were changing, looking sad more often, and no Christmas decorations by the week before Christmas?! Unacceptable.

That’s where Yoongi comes in. 

Haneul is a smart girl for her age. She knows she’s too small to do things on her own and understand why adults do things sometimes. Haneul didn’t know why her dad wood get grumpy at times, but she knew that he was a lot happier when she gave him hugs. She didn’t know why Namjoonie wouldn’t laugh at Mr. Jin’s jokes, but she knew that once Mr. Jin started to laugh at his joke, that everyone else would too. But she couldn’t understand why you weren’t happy anymore, or why you didn’t put up Christmas decorations like you always did. 

“Hey Daddy?” Haneul asks, her legs swinging back and forth while she sits at the table across from him coloring. He lifts his head first, eyes still focused on the drawing in front of him for his client coming in right before his store closed for the holiday tomorrow before he gave his full attention to his daughter. “Yes, Hannie?”

“Why didn’t Miss (Y/n) decorate for Christmas yet?” She asks, peacefully continuing her coloring without a care in the world as if she didn’t just ask a very hard question to answer. 

Yoongi tenses. He knew you were going through something, but it wasn’t any of his nor his daughter’s business to know what was going on in your life without your approval. He’s your friend, and digging into your personal business when he knew you didn’t want anyone to bother you was a line he would not cross. Not even for the beautiful girl in front of him.

Yoongi returns to his sketch and shrugs, “I don’t know, Princess. Did you ask her?”

Haneul pouts, glaring at her paper and pausing in her coloring, “She said she was just growing up, but I don’t want her to grow up. She’s big enough already.”

“Well...even big girls want to change.” Yoongi says, struggling to find the right words to explain such a delicate situation.

“But Miss (Y/n) loved Christmas before Halloween, why did she stop?” The little girl asks.

Yoongi sighs, wondering the same thing himself, “I don’t know, Princess.”

“Can we make her stop?” Haneul’s eyes are full of hope, hope that Yoongi knows won’t be of any use.

Yoongi smiles and shakes his head. He places a hand over his daughters squeezes very gently, “This is something that she has to do on her own, baby. You can’t force anyone to do something that they don’t want to do.”

Haneul nods, letting the words her father spoke to her really sink in. It was pretty silly to make someone do something they didn’t want to, that was just plain mean! But still...it would be nice if she could do something for her. But then it hits her, something brilliant! 

“Well...can we do something for her?” She asks, hoping her father will give her the chance.

“Like what?” He asks. He didn’t expect her to climb up onto the table, smushing her drawing and the crayons she was using just so she could whisper her plan into his ear. He knew his little girl was smart for her age, but he truly didn’t give her enough credit for how much she could really comprehend. He nods in agreement when she pulls away to get his approval, “Oh? Okay...you may just be the smartest little girl I know~”

“I know.” Haneul nods, a smug little smile on her face.

----

Another bus ride back from your meeting - or therapy session as it had become - with Jimin, another day of convincing yourself that you need to change for the better, another day of facing the reality that this change is the best decision for you. At least in your eyes it’s what’s best. At this point it didn’t even matter, you were exhausted and completely done with everything about this stupid holiday. Maybe Daniel wouldn’t think you were so different now…

You continue walking down the street lost in your thoughts, unaware of exactly where you are. You just keep on walking until you reach the end of the street, suddenly realizing that you’ve somehow walked right past your own home in your haze. Your quick to turn around to head back to your house, but your taken aback by what’s happened to it. Your once dull, undecorated home that you left this morning was now covered from grass to gutter in Christmas lights and lawn decorations. Your mailbox has a huge bow on top of it, garland draped around the post to the ground where ornaments attached to spikes decorate the bottom. Your lawn - once only covered in snow - now has Santa’s sleigh being pulled by reindeer parallel to your front porch in the middle of the yard, fake christmas presents of all different shapes, sizes, and colors are placed delicately around your lawn(by the sleigh and along the walkway leading up to your front porch also outlined in lights). Your front porch itself has lights wrapped around every post and hanging from your gutters, snowflakes littered in between the posts at different lengths, and a Christmas tree placed in the corner opposite of your door - which has been decorated with a simple wreath. 

You’re speechless, especially when you see that the outside of your home isn’t the only place that’s been decorated. You can see christmas lights inside of your home as well as decorations that you had pulled out and never put back after your break up that changed everything for you. You could even see the undecorated tree just inside your living room with the small amount of light that was visible from where you stood in your driveway. There were only two people that had a key to your home: Yoongi and Hoseok, and your brother was definitely not in town nor capable of doing this without knowing your schedule beforehand. Nor did he have a little girl to peek through the window to watch your reaction to everything they had done.

“Hello?” You call after finally mustering up the courage to enter your home. You heard Haneul’s feet running before you saw her in the light you’d turned on, dressed up in a little green Christmas sweater that reads ‘All I want for X-mas is sleep.’ and a pair of red leggings. 

“Miss (Y/n)! Do you like it? Do you like your surprise?” She asks, bouncing up and down in front of you.

You smile, unsure of how to really respond to the sudden act of kindness. You kneel to her height, “Of course I do! It’s beautiful.”

“Good, because we’ve been working on it since you left.” Yoongi chimes in, appearing from the doorway of your living room wearing his own Christmas sweater reading the same as Haneul’s but in red.

You stand from your crouched position and sigh, “You guys really didn’t have to do this for me.”

“I know, but Haneul insisted that we do.” He explains, arms crossed and unbothered by your conflict.

“You weren’t happy anymore, so I had to do what I know makes you smile.” Haneul explains. 

You knew she noticed your change in attitude, but you didn’t think she would actually comprehend that you were struggling to accept your own changes. She was just a little girl, she didn’t even know Santa was just her dad after she fell asleep for the night. How did she know that you were so conflicted with yourself?

With all the emotions suddenly hitting you, you can’t help but let the first tear fall, quickly turning away with the false notion of a cough so Haneul wouldn’t think you were any sadder than she already knew about. But even if she didn't pick it up, Yoongi did.

“Princess, can you go to the kitchen and start on the cookies we made? Miss (Y/n) and I will be in in a minute.” He assures, easily convincing her to walk away from the two of you so she could hopefully sneak a few cookies for herself while the two of you talked. As soon as she was out of sight and earshot, Yoongi moves forward and spares no thought about pulling you into a hug, “Do you want to tell me what’s wrong now?”

“Daniel broke up with me a month ago.” You cry into his chest, your voice just above a broken whisper. You don’t know what about him made you feel safe to finally open up to someone, but feeling the warmth of someone holding and comforting you was almost exactly what you needed.

Yoongi sighs. He kinda figured something like that had happened - he hadn’t seen your boyfriend around in the month that you suddenly began to forget that Christmas existed - and it kinda pissed him off that you changed this much just because of one guy. “Is that why you suddenly don’t give a shit about Christmas?”

You nod, sniffling and fisting his sweater in your hands, “He said that I was too different for him...that he just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Yeah, well, he’s an asshole.” He says. Yoongi pulls you away to hold you by your shoulders, looking intently into your eyes, “Look, you are one of the nicest, smartest, and most influential people that I know. You are reliable and hardworking, you overwork yourself to the point of exhaustion sometimes, and for that I admire you. My daughter looks up to you like you’re God himself, and she likes you just the way you were before some asshole decided that he didn’t like you for you.”

“I spent 3 years with him because I thought he did like me for me, and then he just left.” You struggle to hold back your tears, still hurt by everything that happened and how painful the memories were to relive.

Yoongi pokes the inside of his cheek, “Then he’s an idiot to give up someone like you.” And he meant that. If Yoongi could find a woman like you, then he would snatch her up and never let her go. Someone like you would be the perfect mother figure for Haneul, someone like you would be the best person for them.

You would be the best person for them.

And thanks to Yoongi, it’s then that you realize how ridiculous you’d been. Trying to change yourself? Thinking that you were the problem with your relationship? You shouldn’t have let him get to you. Like Yoongi said, it was his loss and not yours. You had amazing friends like Yoongi to support you and care for you better than Daniel did in the 3 years you were together. You were honestly embarrassed to think about everything you’d done in the past month to yourself and others.

You sigh, “You’re right...but I’m the idiot that tried to change myself to please someone.”

“No, you’re just human.” Yoongi offers you a smile, and you can’t help but to return the warmth back to him. You both take that moment just to appreciate each other, not really noticing how intimate the moment is. But it doesn’t last long, as Yoongi remembers the purpose for his visit. He moves his hands from your shoulders and places one in your hand to pull you in the direction of your kitchen. “Now, let’s go decorate the cookies Hannie and I made for you, and then we’ll all decorate your tree together once we’re finished.”

“Can we listen to the Spotify Christmas Radio?” You ask, a teasing smile rising on your lips.

“We’re going to listen to every Christmas song until our ears bleed.” He promises.

And that’s how you spend the rest of your night, decorating cookies and your home, singing and dancing with a 4 year old and her handsome, grumpy father.

#fae #bts #bts x reader #25 days of christmas #25 days of bangtan #x reader #reader insert #(y/n) #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #suga x reader #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jeongguk #bts rm #bts rap monster #bts jin #bts suga #bts jhope #bts jimin #bts v #bts jungkook #christmas au #family au #dad au #f2l

[miguel-manbemel]

Aspects & Fanfics Ep. 45: Beware the Paladin Part 5: The Royal Family Grows

This episode serves as an ending to the multipart story Beware the Paladin. I hope that you all have been enjoying the story so far and the ending is not disappointing to your expectations. The next story I’ll be working on will be a story out of the main narrative, a Halloween one-off special that I hope you all enjoy. So I’ll see you next time in a little less than two weeks, on Halloween. Until next time!

SYNOPSIS: Roman is scared of the fact that he’s going to have a baby, both for what he’s about to go through and because he’s going through it without Virgil by his side. Chris tries to convince Virgil to forget his differences with Roman and be with Roman when the moment comes, but Virgil shows himself reluctant and it’s improbable that Chris will manage to convince him on time before the new baby is born.

WARNINGS: Depicts a pregnancy and delivery. Implied sexual innuendo, very slight.

EPISODE INDEX

[Chris is looking right at the camera in shock]

CHRIS: I… I’m sorry I’m staring at you, guys, gals and non binary pals. I’m just… how do I say it… in shock, I guess? I mean, I shouldn’t be. After all I’m here which means that this could happen again at any time, but still… I’m rambling. I guess it will be better if I tell you what happened so that you understand why I’m… why we’re all like this. You see, Patton returned safely from the Core and thanks to a new ability that the Core gave him, now he can heal injures from the other Sides. With that new power, he cured Janus’ head injury and woke him up. With everybody ready, we all entered in autopilot and Talyn hypnotized Thomas and Joan to resynchronize Thomas’ brainwaves and restore his contact with us. That went fine… but in the meantime, my parents, Roman and Virgil, tried to fix their relationship, very damaged after the Paladin’s words. They seemed to have talked it all out and decided to give a chance to their relationship again. But then, after some time they spent in their bedroom in autopilot, suddenly they started arguing and Virgil claimed that the Paladin had taken control of Roman again, for a short time, to tell Virgil that Roman blamed him for my leg injury, and that Roman thought that Virgil was bad for my development. That was the last straw for Virgil and he decided to leave Roman’s room and return to his own room, to put his ideas in order and decide if he wanted to break up with my father definitely or not. He’s now there at this very moment… but the time they spent in the bedroom seems to have had consequences for my father… He just said… I still don’t believe what he said… excuse me, I’m gonna ask him again. Roll title screen, please.

[intro sequence]

CHRIS: I’m sorry, father… I think… I think I didn’t hear you right. Did you just say…?

ROMAN: Have you ever imagined having a brother. Yes, I just said that Chris. I think… I think I’m having a baby.

THOMAS: Gosh, Sides’ biology is so confusing… So one time Virgil gets pregnant and the next time the one who gets pregnant is you? How’s that possible?

ROMAN: Don’t ask me, Thomas. Just like you, I’m not in control of my inner organs. Yes, this time it’s me who’s got pregnant and we did nothing different from the last time, but that’s how it goes, I guess. It seems in a relationship between Sides, who’s gonna deliver the baby is just chosen randomly. This was so unexpected. We both had decided not to have any more children, and now…

LOGAN: Roman…

ROMAN: I know what you’re gonna say, that if we didn’t want more children, we should have taken protection, and that we’ve been a bunch of senseless fools. And you’re right, we should have taken protection, but we didn’t. After two weeks apart, we had just reconciled… so, we both got overwhelmed by our feelings, so repressed for so many days. They blurred our reason and… it just happened naturally. We didn’t even think about anything else other than being together sharing our mutual true love after so long. And this is the result. Born from our love, a new Side is about to join the fam.

CHRIS: Wow… I can’t believe this… I’m… I’m gonna be a big brother? [starts crying] Why am I getting so emotional all of a sudden? I know I’m Thomas’ sensitivity but how can I get so sensitive over someone I don’t even know?

PATTON: Well, kiddo, a new kid joining the family should always be a motive of rejoice, and becoming a big brother is no less emotional.

ROMAN: But this was so unexpected.

REMUS: Well, if you do it without protection, what did you expect? Did you think that a stork would deliver the baby at your door or something, like Patton believed before Logan taught him otherwise with practical lessons?

[Remus wiggles his eyebrows at Logan, who blushes and gives Remus a silent dirty look]

ROMAN: Ugh… My royal suit is starting to get too tight. Like it happened to Virgil, this is going fast, so fast I barely even have time to react about it, and my body is changing by the minute… I feel like a bag of popcorn in the microwave. And I didn’t want to deliver any kids… I’m so scared…

THOMAS: Are you saying that you don’t want to…?

ROMAN: No, I didn’t say that. I’m scared to death of what I’m about to go through… but at the same time… I don’t know… it’s a strange feeling of joy and happiness. Just like when you were born, Chris. And, same as you, I don’t even know him – because we already know it’s gonna be a him as all of us, Thomas’ Sides, share with him the same gender, age and sexuality – I don’t even know him yet, but I can’t wait to have him in my arms. I’m frightened of what comes immediately before but I can’t wait for what comes next. I do want to have him. I desperately want to have him now. I haven’t seen his face… and I already love him with all my heart. I know it’s sappy… but I can’t express it with other words.

PATTON: You’re not sappy, Roman. This is something that only those who have experienced parenthood can really understand. If there’s a form of true love at first sight, I think this is the purest form of this kind of love, a parent meeting their kid for the first time. Even before, like you said, that love is already present and strong. It happened the same to me when I had Virgil. I just looked at his tiny little face once, and I immediately knew giving him love and protecting him from all harm would be the center and purpose of my life forever. Not even the Dark Master deleting my memories could erase the love I’ve always felt for Virgil. From the moment I saw him years later, all grown up, even when I didn’t remember he was my son, I loved him with the same strength I had loved him as a baby, if not stronger.

CHRIS: Speaking about Virgil… Father, you do realize that we need to tell him about this, right?

ROMAN: I know, but I don’t want to disturb him. He wants to be alone, he made it very clear.

CHRIS: But this changes everything, father. This is important for him. He has the right to know he’s about to be a father again. Besides, his complaints come from you hiding things from him. I don’t think hiding this important event from him and denying him the chance of being present on his second son’s birth is the best way to solve your issues. It would make them even worse if possible.

PATTON: Chris is right, Roman. Wow, Chris, you have matured so fast. Now you speak like a proper adult man and I’m proud of you, kiddo.

CHRIS: [smirks] I love the contradiction of you considering me an adult man and ending the phrase with “kiddo”. It’s such a lovely trait on your part, grandpa. Thank you. [to Roman, serious again] Well, father. What do you say?

ROMAN: [beat, then he sighs] I think you’re right, Chris. Virgil needs to know and we must tell him… But I wouldn’t dare to enter his room now… I’m scared of making everything worse if I do.

CHRIS: You don’t have to tell him yourself, father. If you want me to, I can go see him in your place.

ROMAN: Ow! This suit is too tight, I can barely breathe… [summons an XL-sized version of the suit, wide enough to conceal his growing belly] There… that’s much better. It’s so weird… As I said I can already feel something moving inside of me… well, not something, someone. [puts his hands on his belly] It’s so weird, but so wholesome at the same time…

CHRIS: The pregnancy is going fast, so I can’t waste more time. I shall go to dad’s room. He should be here with you when the delivery comes.

ROMAN: Please, don’t mention the word “delivery”… I’m so scared of it, and it’s just around the corner… The Dragon Witch is just a roasted chicken compared to this battle I’ve got ahead… I seriously admire human women who can go through this, even worse than me, and stay strong… Now, Chris, are you sure you want to do this? Maybe I should swallow my fear and go tell him myself. I’m a prince and I should be brave enough to talk to my husband about this.

CHRIS: No, father. I do think that facing your fear and telling him yourself would be the right thing to do under normal circumstances. I would support you and it would make me proud that you would do that. However, in your state, it will be better that you stay here, not traveling between rooms and putting yourself in a situation of stress, cause you’ve settled down on having him and you don’t want a miscarriage, do you? If that thing is possible for us, Sides, I don’t know… Just in case, wait here, okay? I’ll go speak to him.

ROMAN: Okay… I’m so proud of you, my boy. Please, tell Virgil that I love him… [suddenly sad] No, it will be better if you don’t tell him that, I don’t want him to feel pushed.

CHRIS: [putting his hand on Roman’s cheek] He knows you love him, father, and you know that he loves you back. I’m sure everything will be fixed eventually, don’t worry. [to the others] Please, guys, take care of him while I’m gone, okay?

PATTON: Don’t worry about anything, kiddo, we’ll take care of Roman.

[Chris nods, smiling, then smiles one last time at Roman and sinks down. Then he rises up in Virgil’s room. The room is all dusty, more than what was usual for Virgil’s room, the signal of not having been inhabited for a long time]

CHRIS: Well, it seems dad didn’t have time to tidy this room yet… Dad! Dad, are you here? I know you asked me not to come, but something’s happened! Something that needs your immediate attention! Dad!

[Virgil goes down the stairs]

VIRGIL: Chris, what are you doing here? I thought I told you that I wanted to be alone.

CHRIS: I know, dad, but this is an emergency. I need you to come with me to the living room.

VIRGIL: To the living room? What for? Did something happen to Thomas?

CHRIS: No, not to Thomas. This is something about father.

VIRGIL: About Roman? What, did he turn into the Paladin again? Maybe something went wrong with the hypnosis or something? I hope it’s an emergency of that kind, because I’m not interested in anything else related to your father, not for the time being.

CHRIS: It’s not that… but listen…

VIRGIL: Chris, I understand that you love us both and I appreciate that you try to mediate between us. But you can’t just meddle into this issue like this. You could cause more harm than good.

CHRIS: Dad, listen…

VIRGIL: I don’t want to see Roman right now. So you can tell him that I’m not interested in anything that he…

CHRIS: [interrupting him, yelling] You’re gonna be a father again!

[Virgil looks at Chris, stunned and speechless]

CHRIS: Yes, that’s what I came here to tell you. Father has gotten pregnant of you and you both are about to give me a little brother.

VIRGIL: A… a new son? But… but how? I thought that I was the one that…

CHRIS: So did we, but it seems we were all wrong. Father’s pregnancy has already started and you know how fast this goes. He will be delivering soon, and he would love you to be there when the time comes to support him.

VIRGIL: But… I’m not ready to face him yet.

CHRIS: Dad, please. Can’t you push aside your differences just for a couple of hours? He needs you now, he’s so scared. You should know better since you’ve also delivered a child, me. I don’t remember, of course, but I bet you’ll never forget how you felt before that. That’s how Roman is feeling right now. Please, dad, I beg you. Come with me.

VIRGIL: [anxious] I… I can’t… I can’t! This is like some sort of emotional blackmail, is it not? He sent you as his tool to make me feel like trash and push me into coming back! Well, if he thinks he’s gonna manipulate me into coming back to him just because…

CHRIS: [angry yelling, interrupting Virgil] Are you listening to yourself!? It’s Roman we’re talking about, not the Dark Master, for f… [bleep] sake! Father didn’t want to tell you at first, because he didn’t want to disturb you in your retirement! It was me who thought that you had the right to know the news! He was so afraid to tell you in person he wouldn’t dare to bother you! Heck, he was afraid of even asking me to tell you that he loves you, so don’t you f… [bleep] dare to say he would…!

[Chris stops mid sentence, trying to calm himself down, while Virgil doesn’t say a word. Then Chris sighs and speaks with a calmer voice that can’t conceal the disappointment]

CHRIS: I’m sorry… You’re still my dad and I should speak to you with respect… Well, now you know the news, and you are free to do with this information whatever you consider. But if you want my humble opinion… Father was there supporting you when you delivered me. Now, he’s going through those exact same feelings of terror, insecurity and pain you went through back then, and I think it would be fair that you were there supporting him, at least while it happens, just like he was there supporting you when you went through that. Then, you both are free to stay separated, to divorce, or to do whatever the heck you want to do with your lives as free adult Sides, but now Roman needs you. If you don’t want to be there as a husband, at least be there as a friend to comfort him, and be there also as the father of the creature that’s coming to this world, who also has the right to enjoy your presence. That’s all I have to say, dad, and I won’t force you to do anything. I’m going back to father, because if you don’t wanna be there, I’ll try to fill your place and support him. But you and I know very well it won’t be the same for him. Bye, dad.

[Chris looks at Virgil one last time with eyes of huge disappointment, then sinks down. Virgil looks at the empty spot, still speechless after his son’s speech. Then, Chris rises up in the living room. Roman’s belly is already huge]

ROMAN: Well… How did it go?

CHRIS: I gave him the news. He said he’s not ready to face you yet… among other things I’ll better keep for myself.

ROMAN: [sad] I see… Well, thanks for trying, son.

CHRIS: Don’t worry, father. If he doesn’t want to be with you, I will be with you. You’re not alone, okay?

[Roman smiles sadly at Chris]

ROMAN: Thank you, son. I love you so much.

THOMAS: And we’re all here for you too, Roman. You are not alone by any means.

ROMAN: I know, guys, and I thank you all… It’s just… that this isn’t gonna be the same without Virgil. And I don’t mean only this happening right now. My life as a whole is not gonna be the same without Virgil by my side. I thought we were gonna grow old together, and now…

[Roman can’t help a little sob. Chris hugs Roman]

CHRIS: It’s okay, father. It’s okay. Things will get better and you’ll feel better in time, you’ll see.

ROMAN: [in pain] Aw, it hurts! Aw!

CHRIS: [startled, suddenly releasing Roman from his hug] What!? Did I hurt you on the belly with my hug!? I’m sorry!

ROMAN: No, Chris, it’s not the hug, it’s…! Aw! [puts his hand on his belly as if he was in a terrible pain]

LOGAN: The baby is coming!

CHRIS: Already!? Oh, my gosh!

TALYN: Wow, I came here to perform a session of hypnosis, I didn’t expect to witness a birth.

JOAN: Me neither, but that’s what you get when you hung up with the Sanders Sides, I guess. Every day is an adventure.

[Roman summons a hospital gown around him]

ROMAN: I hope you don’t mind if I summon my own gown, Logan. Nobody needs to see my posterior, you know? I mean, they would be wowed by it’s beauty, but that’s a view I reserve only for… [suddenly sad again] …well, you know who… [in pain, yelling] Ugh! Get me to the couch or I’ll drop the baby right on the floor!

[Logan and Janus help Roman lie down on the couch. Chris holds Roman’s hand]

CHRIS: I’m here with you, all the way through.

ROMAN: Thanks, Chris, I…

[suddenly Virgil rises up. Everybody looks at him]

ROMAN: [surprised and a little afraid] Vi… Virgil…

VIRGIL: [shy voice, looking away] Are… are you okay, Roman?

CHRIS: [slightly reproachful] You took your time, dad. You almost didn’t make it.

VIRGIL: I… I’m sorry, guys… I was afraid that you all would be mad at me after what I said… If you want me to leave, I’ll understand.

THOMAS: No, don’t leave! You don’t need to be afraid of us, Virgil. We’re your friends and family. We don’t hate you and we’re not mad at you.

VIRGIL: There’s more, though… [to Roman] Roman, I… I was afraid to show up here and be rejected by you… just like I rejected you earlier. I guess this all comes down to my fear of rejection. After the Paladin said these words through your lips… I feared that you would eventually reject me and… I rejected you before you had the chance of doing it first. I guess you were right from the start. I… I’m a paranoid after all. [ironic titter] Even now, I’m imagining that everyone in this room is against me, somehow…

PATTON: We’re not, Virgil. Like Thomas said, we love you.

ROMAN: Virgil… You’re my reason to live. How could I reject you? And you’re not a paranoid… not any more than anyone of us and certainly not any more than me. We all fear rejection. Just a moment ago, I was afraid of being rejected by you, that’s why Chris stepped in to tell you what’s going on with me. But I love you… I always loved you and I think I forever will. If you only gave me the chance, I’d show you that I wouldn’t let you down, and that I would never, ever reject you. I promise.

VIRGIL: Roman, I…

ROMAN: And please, whatever you decide, I beg you, don’t listen to the words I said as the Paladin. He’s only a part of me that I can’t control, who always puts in my mouth things out of context in twisted ways, trying to put you away from me. That’s not me. I swear that’s not me and I don’t think the things he says.

JANUS: Virgil, you asked me the other day if the Paladin was saying the truth, and I detected he was. But now I’m telling you that Roman is saying the truth too, which means either that the Paladin is such a good liar that he can fool even me, or the most probable, that he’s so insane that he believes his own lies, which makes him undetectable by me, because for him, it’s the truth. You can trust Roman in this.

ROMAN: With Thomas’ treatment, I hope the Paladin will stay locked up inside of me and never come back out again. But if he ever tries, know that I will fight him with all my strength, to defend you from him and his poisonous words so that he never harms you again. I’ll protect you with my life from him if need be. By my royal crown, I swear I won’t let him break my family again if you give me the chance to put my family back together again! Please, Virgil!

VIRGIL: [tearing up] I’m sorry, Roman. I should have trusted you better and not let my fears overwhelm me. I still love you and I never wanted to leave you, because you too are my reason to live, Roman, and I think I’d be miserable… no, I already was miserable without you.

[Roman gives an emotional smile to Virgil]

ROMAN: You’re making me the happiest creature on existence with these words, Virgil. I love you, so… so… much… [suddenly in pain] Ugh! But I guess I’ll have to show you my love later, because there’s a little baby that can’t wait to be ejected out of mi body! Aw!

VIRGIL: [rushing towards Roman] Keep calm, Roman. [to Chris, who is still holding Roman’s hand] Can I…?

[Chris steps aside, smiling fondly at Virgil]

CHRIS: Of course, dad. His hand has always been yours to hold. It’s a shame that the couch is next to the wall, or else I would have placed myself on the other side to hold his other hand. Of course, I could always stretch my arm, but…

ROMAN: [in pain, but smiling nevertheless] Nnghh! You’re holding it in spirit, my son, don’t worry. Besides, I don’t want Thomas to get sick again because of the stretchy arms…

THOMAS: Thanks for noticing me…

LOGAN: Okay, you already know how this goes, Roman. The baby has taken the form of gas that is circulating inside your body, looking for the way out. When it reaches the exit, the pain will disappear, but until then, you need to push when I tell you, okay?

ROMAN: Okay…

LOGAN: And I hope you don’t fart on my face, like Virgil did…

VIRGIL: [titters] Yeah, me too… Sorry about that, Logan…

LOGAN: It’s all right, Virgil. Okay, Roman. Ready? Push!

[Roman starts pushing. His struggling face is full of sweat]

VIRGIL: Come on, Roman. You’re the strongest man I know, much stronger than me. If I could do it, so you can.

LOGAN: Okay, one more try. Push with all your might… now!

ROMAN: [struggling] Ngggghhhhhh! I’m never doing it again without protection! Nnnngggghhhhh!

LOGAN: Come on, Roman, I thought you were a warrior! I’m sure you can do better. Push again! Push as if you were figuratively fighting the Dragon Witch and sticking your sword inside her tummy! Push, now!

ROMAN: [now with tears in his eyes, his face is all red out of the struggle, yelling] GGGAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

[crimson smoke starts coming out of Roman’s body. While it forms a cloud, Roman’s belly shrinks back to its normal flat form, until all the smoke is out of him]

ROMAN: [concerned, and relieved from the pain at the same time] Cri… crimson?

LOGAN: That’s another possible combination of red and purple, this time with red dominating.

VIRGIL: Yes, but what do you think it means that his color is crimson? I mean, the only one we’ve seen crimson is… you know…

LOGAN: …the Paladin, I know, yes, but don’t worry. I don’t think this baby will be related in any way with the Paladin. This has to be a coincidence, that’s all.

VIRGIL: Okay, if you say so…

[the crimson cloud descends upon Roman’s arms and a baby materializes. Oddly enough, he doesn’t cry, he just stares at Roman with a cute face of curiosity and determination]

ROMAN: Oh, my gosh… I…

VIRGIL: He’s just as brave and determined as his father. Look, he’s so strong-willed he doesn’t even cry.

[the baby lets go a cute little giggle and puts his little hand on Roman’s cheek, trying to grab it. Roman is the one who immediately starts crying. After him, both Virgil and Chris giggle and cry at the same time]

TALYN: Oh, my gosh, he’s just so cuuute… Look at his little hands, Joan…

JOAN: I’m getting a little emotional, and I didn’t expect to end the day this way, at all.

THOMAS: Well, welcome to my world once again, Joan. [to Virgil and Roman] I’m so happy for you two, guys.

REMUS: I’m Uncle Remus for the second time. How proud can an uncle be?

PATTON: My, I have two grandsons now. I’ve got a huge family of kiddos to spoil now, I’m so happy!

IAN: Congratulations, guys. After all you’ve been through, I’m happy that at least you have a moment of happiness to compensate, even if just a little bit, the distress you’ve been suffering lately.

JANUS: I’m not glad at all that I could wake up on time to witness this. I’m an uncle-in-law again, who would have thought?

ROMAN: Thank you guys, all of you.

LOGAN: Well, congratulations, family. How are you going to name him?

ROMAN: I’m too tired right now to think of a name, Virgil. Have you got any ideas?

VIRGIL: Well, if it was a girl, I would have chosen Hope.

ROMAN: Hope? Why?

VIRGIL: Because that’s what his little giggle inspired me. It calmed my anxiousness, and gave me hope for the future. Could it be that he’s the Side of Thomas in charge of his hope?

THOMAS: It would be beautiful if it was so. How can we know for certain, Logan?

LOGAN: Unfortunately, without my checking ability, I can’t examine the baby to see what Side of Thomas he exactly is. Patton already tried to restore my power with his new healing ability but it didn’t work, unfortunately. We’ll have to wait until the baby grows to find out.

PATTON: I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, Logan, but your ability is out of reach for me to heal it, it seems. Or maybe it’s not a matter of lack of health on your part and it’s something else, I don’t know. In any case, I’m sorry I couldn’t help you more.

LOGAN: You don’t have to apologize for anything, Patton, it’s not your fault, and I’ll be fine. But returning to the subject about the baby’s name, if I may be of help, I have an idea for a male name that means “hope.”

VIRGIL: Really? What is it.

LOGAN: And it’s only appropriate, due to Thomas’ Irish heritage, that the boy’s name would be of Irish origin. Do you like the name Dillon? It means “ray of hope” in Irish.

VIRGIL: Dillon? Ray of hope? [heartwarming smile] That’s exactly what I felt, a ray of hope straight to my heart. I love it… What do you think, Roman?

ROMAN: I love it too. Thank you so much, Logan.

VIRGIL: Then Dillon it will be. Dillon Benjamin Sanders.

ROMAN: Why Benjamin?

VIRGIL: It is after Ben Platt. You named our first son Christian Gerard after Gerard Way knowing how much I love My Chemical Romance. It was only fair that I in turn named our second son Dillon Benjamin after one of your favorite musical actors.

ROMAN: Thank you. I love you, Virgil. And I love you too, my dear Dillon Benjamin Sanders.

[everybody in the room starts looking at the baby with smiles of happiness. Time goes by and it’s nighttime. Everybody has left the living room except the family, Thomas and Joan. Roman his holding the baby, giving him his first bottle of milk, while Thomas and Joan are in the kitchen making dinner]

ROMAN: [holding the bottle while the baby drinks] I want to treasure these moments for as long as they last, as I know that, in any moment, Dillon will start growing up at light speed, like you did, Chris. I want to enjoy Dillon’s infancy, as I know it’s gonna be short, really short. This is his first bottle of milk, but it will also probably be his last.

CHRIS: I’m sorry I couldn’t give you more time. Before you had the time to get used to the idea of having me, I was already an adult. It’s not fair, is it?

VIRGIL: It is not, certainly. I would have loved to live the experience of seeing you growing up day by day, year by year, teaching you all I know, doing my best to make you a good Side, making sure that I could set you ready to the world of adulthood. Like any parent, I guess. But one moment you were in the cradle, and the next moment you were practicing archery and sword fencing. And I don't remember anything in-between, if there even was anything in-between.

CHRIS: I would have loved to live that experience too, dad. But don’t you worry. If I may speak, you have already done your best to make me a good Side, even if sometimes I made it difficult.

VIRGIL: Thank you, son. I really appreciate your words. But you haven’t been much difficult. If anything, I was the one making things difficult for both of us sometimes.

CHRIS: Dad… father… I really hate saying this right after all that has happened, but I have to be honest to you and to myself.

ROMAN: What is it, son? Is something wrong?

CHRIS: Wrong? No… not really… I think… Dad… Father… Would you be very disappointed if… if I left your room to live independently in my own room?

[Virgil and Roman look at Chris, not saying a word]

CHRIS: [nervous, slight stutter, moving his hands nervously] It… It doesn’t have to be just now. I wouldn’t leave until I made sure that father was totally fine and you didn’t need me… but I need to experience life and build a room of my own in the Mind Palace. Like I said, it’s not fair that I grew up so fast that you couldn’t spend more time raising me up… but that doesn’t change the fact that I grew up and I’m an adult and…

VIRGIL: [putting his hand on Chris’ hands to stop him from moving them compulsively] Chris…

CHRIS: Yes, dad?

VIRGIL: You don’t need to try so hard to convince us. We are your parents, and we love you. Besides, we knew this day had to come one day or another. It’s a law of life that the son leaves the nest to build a new nest of his own. It would be criminal if we opposed to that and you are not a property of us that we should keep in a jar unable to experience life on their own. We understand and we don’t have any objections. Just remember that we’ll always be here for you, for whatever you may need us, okay?

[Chris gives an emotional smile to Virgil]

CHRIS: Of course, dad… Of course.

ROMAN: Virgil speaks for both of us, Chris. I will only add that we’re very, very proud of you, and we know that you’re ready to make us proud no matter where you go. Chase your dreams, Chris. Life is too short to do anything else.

CHRIS: Thank you, father… [tears fall down his cheeks] Gosh… Why am I crying? It’s not like I’m leaving to the end of the world, my room will be in the same Mind Palace as yours, dag nabbit! I know I said I’m an adult, and I know I’m gonna be super sappy, but… dad… could you hug me like you briefly did when I was a baby… one last time, so that at least I have a memory of how it feels like?

VIRGIL: [also in tears] Come here, my boy.

[Virgil hugs Chris tightly, and they both sob]

[end card]

THOMAS: Okay, dinner’s rea… what’s going on, guys?

ROMAN: It’s nothing, just some family bonding before our boy spreads his wings and becomes an independent man. He’s moving away to build his own room.

THOMAS: Oh?

CHRIS: Not today, father. As I said, I’m not leaving until I make sure you are okay. Besides, I want to spend some time with my brother before I go.

ROMAN: [suddenly struggling, but not losing the smile] Well, now that you say so, I could use some help with your brother right now, because his weight is starting to crush me. Help me, please!

[Chris quickly grabs Dillon. He has already grown to five year old size, he sits him down on the couch]

DILLON: Sorry.

JOAN: Heh… It’s funny. A human’s first word is usually mama or papa, and his first word has been “sorry”.

CHRIS: Well, my first word was “pizza”, so…

VIRGIL: You do remember?

CHRIS: It’s my oldest memory. Me in the cradle begging for pizza.

DILLON: Ew! Pizza! Gross!

CHRIS: What? What do you mean you don’t like pizza? It’s the best food in the world!

DILLON: Then you can keep it all for yourself! I don’t like that kind of food. I prefer veggies, like eggplant, zucchini, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, and above all else…

CHRIS: Don’t…

DILLON: …carrots.

EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM EXCEPT JOAN: Eeeeewwwww!

DILLON: What? They’re delicious, and a good source of vitamins A and D, which is good for the eyes and the skin! You’ll envy me when I have golden skin in the summer and you stay all pail!

JOAN: Well, Thomas, it seems there’s a part of you that, deep inside, loves carrots. Or maybe it’s the part of you that is conscious that it’s good for you to eat healthy, even if you don’t like it.

THOMAS: I guess so… Carrots, ew…

VIRGIL: [smirks] Maybe this was my fault… Patton’s cream of broccoli actually contains carrots and that’s the last meal we had before Roman and I… And you know they say you are what you eat, so…

ROMAN: [over the top dramatic voice] Carrots? You made me eat carrots!? Virgil, how could you do this to me!? I trusted you! [giggling] Seriously now, that cream of broccoli is so delicious I don’t care what it’s made with. And may I say, Virgil, you really improved on the recipe.

VIRGIL: Compared with my first try when I almost destroyed the kitchen, anything would be an improvement… but thanks for the compliment, my love.

CHRIS: Gosh, I’m so happy to see you two like this again. I don’t know if I would have had it in my heart to move out leaving anyone of you in that situation. Now I can leave in peace, knowing that you’ll be all right together.

ROMAN: Yes, sorry, Chris. This must have been awful for you and you were caught in the middle.

VIRGIL: I’m sorry too if we caused you any distress.

CHRIS: Well, all’s well that ends well. Right, Dillon?

DILLON: [adult voice] Indeed.

[Chris and the others get startled when Dillon speaks with an adult voice. They all look at him. Now, indeed, Chris is an adult Side like the others, and he’s already wearing his outfit. He’s dressed with a crimson tunic, looking like a wizard. He also carries what looks like a magic wand, like the one Merlin uses in the Disney movie “The Sword and the Stone”. He’s also wearing on the neck a golden medallion with three jewels on it, a red ruby, a purple amethyst and a crimson garnet. On his chest, he sports his logo, a crimson almond-shaped figure divided in two, one half is red and the other is purple, and inside of it a flower in the middle that looks like an almond blossom]

DILLON: What? It looks as if you had just seen a ghost.

[after a short moment of silence, Virgil is the first to talk]

VIRGIL: Aww! We didn’t have time to introduce Dillon to your brother and to Ira before he grew up! They’ll surely be bummed when they find out!

ROMAN: It’s okay. After what happened last time with Chris, I didn’t have the intention of taking that risk again. We’ll go to Sandersia tomorrow, when we’re all well rested and ready to face… whatever, who knows who will come after us next. But we’ll be ready for them.

THOMAS: Well, all I’m gonna say is… welcome to the family, Dillon. Oh, and one more thing. Dinner’s getting cold, so what the heck are you still doing there? Come on, guys!

[every body rushes to the counter to grab a serving of food]

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