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kindiekritz · 3 years

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Get Some Rest, Samurai...

Via Anon Ask; “because im also a sap for Johnny and V- How do you think Johnny would help V cope with a panic attack? Especially when its likely something he's feeling laggy echoes of himself if he's in her head during it? (hurt/comfort is a FAVE of mine and i have anxiety, can ya' tell?)”

B ro,, don’t worry anon bc same here, we are anxiety homies together 👏😔 - This is my first time writing for Johnny Silverhand! Trying to get back on the writing boat, (haven't forgotten my previous fic!) and there's nothing like simping for video game characters to get that inspiration flowing. Do let me know what you think! Johnny may be a bit too OOC in this, I may have gone a little bit overboard with the soft? Ah well, I hope someone will enjoy it regardless :P

Here is the Ao3 Link! :D

V’s time was running out.

Every time the relic in their head would malfunction, every time they went into a coughing fit and the disgusting taste of metallic blood would fill their mouth, every time he would manifest himself in her head and V would catch a glimpse of his stupid fucking face…

V was reminded of the fact that their time was running out, and fast.

And despite the fact that they were doing everything in their power to stop the construct in her mind from completely destroying her from the inside out, that didn’t stop the fact that she still had to pay the rent.

In fact, it wasn’t cheap coughing up the eddies to pay Rouge for her services, or having to pay for bigger and better gear that would keep her alive when dealing with Arasaka guards, hell, it wasn’t cheap to keep purchasing more and more bottles of Omega Blockers, the pills were the only thing that kept him from completely taking control.

She found herself taking more and more gigs, trying to simply keep up with the extra costs of having a completely second personality living rent-free in her mind. But even then… she couldn’t find it in herself to reject or turn away people who needed her help, even if they had little to nothing to offer in return.

It seemed as if her phone was constantly buzzing with calls and texts of people who wanted and needed her help. No matter where she went or what she did, people needed her services, people needed her time.

And yet, time was something that she had very little left of.

V was exhausted. The bags under her eyes revealed that she hadn’t slept in days, and she couldn’t remember when she last had a proper meal.

She was always on the go, she didn’t have time to take care of herself.

But as she groggily opened the door to her apartment, she thought to herself that… maybe, just maybe… she would finally let herself take a nice, long warm shower.

V was too exhausted to care about the possibility of Johnny potentially staring at her nude form as she stood under the running water. Hell, let him stare for all she cared! The thought of warm water running over her exhausted muscles, washing away the dirt and grime of the city… it was too appealing at that moment.

She removed her weapon slung across her back, letting her beloved leather Samurai jacket slip off her shoulders and onto the ground, too exhausted to care about putting it away properly.

The weight of the gun in her hands was normally a welcome and grounding presence for V when she was on a mission, the weapon in her hands keeping her safe from those who wished to do her harm. But now? It felt too heavy, unbearably so, as if the weight would make her topple over onto the floor below. The muscles in her arms were exhausted and spent. As she rotated her shoulder she heard the joints audibly pop. The consequences of pushing her body too far.

She would do anything for the physical ache to go away.

As she stepped through the door to her armory and switched on the fluorescent lights of the room, her gaze fell upon someone already there, casually lounging atop her workbench and raising a cigarette to his mouth, pausing to speak before inhaling a deep puff of smoke.

“Damn V. You look like shit.”

She rolled her eyes at his comment, and made her way to her weapon locker instead, trying to ignore the weight of his gaze on the nape of her neck.

V fiddled with the combination, her foggy mind struggling to remember the correct numbers and the correct order, her fingers felt clumsy and uncoordinated as she inputs each digit. V cursed herself for making it so damn difficult, but eventually, she finally managed to swing the metal door open, proceeding to put her gun away amongst her collection of stored weapons.

Johnny hopped off of the workbench, stepping towards V as she organized her storage, resting his metal arm against the locker, using his height to his advantage as he towered over her and confronted her. “No, seriously V, you look like shit. When was the last time you slept?”

“Fuck— Johnny, I dunno… A few days I guess?” V slammed the door of the locker using more force than necessary, Johnny already starting to get on her nerves, the last thing she needed was Johnny Fucking Silverhand following her around like a worried mother hen. V pouted and huffed, blowing away a stubborn strand of hair that had fallen across her face, then turning to meet his gaze, hidden behind wine-colored lenses, and asked, “Why do you care anyway?”

“You’ve been on edge all day, I can feel it. You’re like a string that’s been strung too strongly. I feel like you’re ready to snap at any fuckn’ moment, V.”

She could feel his stare on her body and the tension in the room was beginning to suffocate her. He was poking at a sensitive topic for her, and he knew it.

V stuttered, trying to find the right words to say as she couldn't bring herself to look at him in the eye anymore, instead choosing to halfheartedly push him aside and walk away, “Johnny… I’m fine. Really. I just— I just need a shower and a nap, that’s all.”

As V stepped out of the room, the weight on her chest seemed to grow heavier with each step.

She wanted to crumble, she wanted to cry.

She just wanted to wrap up herself in a bundle of blankets and cry into an order of takeout. One of those ugly cries that made snot dribble from your nose and your cheeks flushed and red.

She wanted— no, V needed to let everything out.

But… she couldn’t. She didn’t have the time for it, she needed to get back to work soon. Here were people that needed her help and there were eddies to be made. She would let herself rest when she’d gotten that damned biochip out of her head.

It was at that moment when V’s phone began to ring, the sound interrupting her thoughts and causing her to pause in her step.

Almost as if on reflex, she quickly reached into her pocket and withdrew the device, not even bothering to check the caller ID before answering, “V speaking, what do you want?”

“V, it’s Regina. I’ve got another report of a cyberpsycho attack…”

V stopped listening to the voice on her phone, too distracted by the crushing pressure on her chest and the fact that she had begun to tremble and shake like a leaf.

All she had wanted was a hot shower and a night in, was that too much to ask?

After weeks of dodging blades and bullets, running meaningless errands and tasks for just a few eddies in return, spending sleepless nights that left dark circles under her eyes, and going days on end without even seeing her fucking apartment, all she wanted was a night in.

Was that too much to fucking ask?

She could faintly register Johnny’s voice coming from behind her, an uncharacteristically concerned tone in his voice as he asked, “...V? What’s wrong?”

The pressure in her chest grew heavier by the second, her breaths becoming strained and labored as the increasing fear and dread overwhelmed her body. She gripped her phone tightly in her hand, glaring at the device with tears prickling the corners of her eyes.

“V? Are you listening? I said that there’s another report of a cyberpsycho near your current position, are you still—“

With a press of a button, she hung up the phone.

Johnny watched V, her form trembling and shoulders tensed.

In all of their weeks stuck together, he’d never seen his little merc look so small. A real juxtaposition when compared to her usual self; a real fucking hardass, she was the only other person Johnny had ever met that was just as bullheaded and stubborn as himself.

As much as he teased her about it, Johnny knew one thing for certain. V was strong, V was determined. A damned force of nature and he pitied the bastards that stood in her way.

But despite the cybernetics in her body and the chip in her mind… V was human. V had her limits.

The facade she’d built up for herself couldn’t last forever, and Johnny knew it. He’d sensed the cracks in her resolve grow larger and larger with each sleepless night and after every exhausting gig.

But for a brief second, a thought crossed Johnny’s mind;

V was fractured… V was broken… V was weak.

And with that thought, V finally snapped.

“I AM NOT FUCKING WEAK!”

V cried out, lobbing her phone at him. It phased right through him, instead hitting against the wall, shattering the screen, and sending the device flying into some unknown corner of the room.

She froze, her eyes widening in shock, almost as if she couldn’t believe what she had done. The realization slowly setting in after the result of her outburst.

V’s vision blurred as tears welled in the corners of her eyes, she slowly fell to the cold floor, cradling her knees up to her chest and muffling her sobs in her arms.

Johnny watched as she sat in the middle of the room and sobbed.

She didn’t let herself cry when Jackie had died, she didn’t let herself cry when Vic told her that she was practically dying. V didn’t cry as she carried Evalyn’s bloodied body, and V didn’t cry late at night when she was alone, and her chest felt tight and her throat choked up.

He knew it was coming, he could feel V’s emotions as they bubbled up and reached their boiling point.

But what truly surprised him, was just how much it hurt him to see his little merc cry.

“Shit— V…” he nervously swallowed his throat, but try as he might, for once in his goddamn existence, he couldn’t find the right words to say.

Johnny didn’t like the way he felt.

Johnny didn’t like the way she made him feel at that moment.

He didn’t like the way his chest tightened at the sound of each of her sobs. The way he felt so restless as he could only watch her curl onto herself for comfort. He couldn’t stop himself from pacing back and forth across the room, unsure if it was her anxiety or his that was setting him off.

Johnny could almost feel V’s heart racing in her chest, the adrenaline flooding her veins, adrenaline meant to stimulate a fight or flight reaction. But when the pain and panic swelled from within her own chest, there was nowhere V could run, nobody she could physically fight.

All she could do was sob into her knees, desperately trying to hide her sobs and cries from him, but her own cries easily overpowered her.

And because of him, she didn’t even feel like she had the ability to freely have a goddamn mental breakdown in her own apartment, even as she choked and sobbed, she tried to grasp onto the shattered remains of her facade. Was it for her sake, or for his?

At that point… neither of them knew.

V couldn’t stop her body from trembling. She tightly gripped onto herself until her knuckles turned white. But V didn’t notice. It didn’t even register in her mind.

She didn’t register the hot tears as they streamed down her face, the shuddering cries that caused her lip to quiver with each breath. She couldn’t recognize that no matter how hard she tried, her frantic breaths caused her lungs to feel as if they were on fire, incapable of delivering oxygen to her body.

V’s mind didn’t even register the fact that Johnny had stopped pacing back and forth.

Her mind cursed at her to get her shit together. V needed to wipe away those tears and she needed to get back on the streets. A moment of weakness could’ve gotten her killed in her past, and now was no different.

But… the thought of standing up and leaving her apartment caused another fresh wave of sobs to rattle her body.

She was tired… she was so goddamn exhausted…

“V…”

All she wanted was a night in. Was that too much to ask? After all of her hard work and effort, hadn’t she earned it?

“V, listen to me.”

Clearly, she hadn’t done enough if people were still calling, still demanding her presence. Clearly she—

V felt something warm touch her cheek.

Someone was there.

Although her mind had stopped temporarily spiraling, she felt the wet salty tears dripping down her face, her vision was still blurry, and her cheeks were incredibly flushed. She must’ve looked… pathetic she thought. But regardless, she allowed herself to look up at the person who had reached out to her.

The cold of his metal rings juxtaposed the warmth of his hand, and as her eyes trailed up towards his arms, she caught sight of his familiar tattoos, but also an unfamiliar detail as she reached his face.

Instead of seeing her reflection in the lenses of his glasses, she was surprised to see his eyes staring into hers. Gone was any trace of malice or cruelty, instead his brown eyes reflected nothing but concern… an emotion she’d never expected to see from him.

Johnny.

As her tearful eyes met his, he could’ve almost sworn that he felt his engram heart stop beating for a second. The tears rolling down her cheeks, the way her lip trembled with each breath. He didn’t know why the sight of V feeling so upset affected him so, he blamed her emotions, her hormones, whatever came into his mind. He hated the way she made him feel, he hated that she had this much power over him.

But most of all, he hated the fact that he felt so powerless to stop it.

He would’ve gladly taken V cussing him out, he would’ve taken V nagging at him and complaining about the smell as he smoked in her apartment. He would’ve even happily taken V as she sang along to the car radio, something she’d originally done to get onto his nerves, but now it has become a sound he’s grown… to tolerate. Even sometimes… appreciate it.

He wasn’t the type to comfort people like this, he was the type to leave as soon as emotions came into play, the countless amount of hearts that he’d broken in the past were evidence enough. Fuck, he didn’t know how to deal with his own goddamn emotions, blowing up Arasaka tower as revenge to deal with his grief, that’s what got him into this mess.

But as he wiped away a tear from her soft cheek with his calloused thumb… he wasn’t going to just sit there and let his little merc cry.

“V. You’ve done more than enough for this city than it deserves. You’re always running back and forth, trying to make this shithole a better place… all while trying to keep yourself alive.” He wanted to tell her that this damned city didn’t deserve her generosity, it didn’t deserve her hard work, fuck, this city didn’t deserve her.

He didn’t deserve her.

And she didn’t deserve what he was doing to her.

“You keep spreading yourself too thin, you keep wanting to do shit for others, you keep wanting to help. But then you add the cherry on top — the fact that there’s a chip in your head slowly killin’ ya… You’ve got enough on your plate. You’ve earned a few nights of rest.”

V sniffled and tried to wipe away tears, her voice wavering as she spoke, “I-If I don’t keep goin’ if I don’t keep looking for a solution— I’m gonna die. Johnny, I don’t want to die—“

“V, you’re gonna end up dead long before the chip has an opportunity to kill you if you keep pushing yourself like this… You need to get some rest.”

He was right. As much as she fucking hated it… he was right.

She felt his metal hand cup her other cheek, the cool metal refreshing against the flushed skin, wiping away tears as he continued to speak.

“You’ve proven yourself enough to this city. You’ve proven yourself enough to me. But running yourself to the bone is not worth it in order to prove it to yourself. And you’re not alone V… as much as they get on my fuckn’ nerves, you’ve got chooms lookin’ out for ya, even if one of them is a fuckn’ cop—“

Through tears, V chuckled and playfully chided him, “Johnny…”

There it was… that little chuckle of hers that he was looking for. He wouldn’t admit it to others, he wouldn’t even admit it to himself, but V’s laughter never failed to make him feel something funny in his chest… it wasn’t like the high of drugs or liquor, but it felt just as addictive. It wasn’t like the adrenaline rush of a firefight or the rush during a show, but it made him feel just as excited and lightheaded.

He cleared his throat, trying to get his mind off of that feeling, and spoke, “Listen… all I’m saying… is that you’re not alone V. And although I don’t have much of a choice, whenever you need me…” he playfully smiled as his eyes met hers, “I’m always here for ya V.”

And that’s all it took.

In one moment to another, V wrapped her arms around his waist, knocking him on his ass from his previous kneeling position, and burying her head against his chest.

Despite sharing a head and body, somehow, someway, V always found a way to surprise him.

He groaned, the deep rumbles from his chest as he spoke making V settle in closer, anchoring herself to his presence.

“Fuck, V, a little warning next time would be nice.”

But even as he whined… he wasn’t complaining. Not when her sobs were beginning to fade, and she was instead chuckling at his expense in his arms.

He ignored that funny feeling in his chest as his organic arm wraps itself against her body, his calloused hand rubbing circles against the small of her back, feeling her trembling begin to slow under his soft touch. Over time, her breathing began to even, and soon enough she was taking deep breaths as she recovered.

Without even consciously doing so, Johnny’s metal hand found itself entwined with the strands of her hair, softly caressing as V’s eyes began to droop, and exhaustion began to overtake her body.

“V… it’s time for you to go to bed.”

“I’m fine Johnny, I’m—“ a yawn interrupted her mid-sentence, “I’m not even tired.”

“And I’m not buying it.” He chuckled as his arm wrapped around her midsection.

“W-wait Johnny what are you— Johnny!” In an instant, V was thrown over his shoulder as he stood from the ground, and she gripped onto him in order to avoid falling to the floor.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m taking you to bed.” He chuckled as he felt her hand playfully slap against his shoulder.

“Fucking hell Johnny, a warning would be nice!” He could almost imagine her expression as he walked across the apartment, the way she would pout in exasperation.

“Just repaying the favor, that’s all.” He smirked as he reached her bed. Slowly setting her down from his shoulder onto the mattress below.

“There. It’s time that you allowed yourself to get some rest, and not that weird shit you do where you sleep across the bed huddled in a little ball, but some actual sleep, under the covers and all.”

“Fine, fine…” V slipped into a pair of nightclothes as Johnny had the decency to look away, and then slipped under the blankets, making herself comfortable. But before she drifted off to sleep, she called out, “Johnny?”

“... yeah?”

“I just— I just wanted to say thanks. Y’know, for tonight and all.”

“‘Course…” he stepped towards the bed once more as he spoke, “I mean, if I’m the one telling you that you need some rest, you probably fucked up somewhere along the way.”

“That’s true… judging from your memories, you’re terrible at following your own advice, Johnny.” She smiled at him, uncertain if the lack of sleep had made her delirious or if perhaps she was feeling particularly honest that night, but she spoke, “Y’know, if fucking up this badly was the catalyst for us to meet… I would do it all over again.”

He smiled sadly in return, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear, his cold metal hand brushing her cheek as he did so. An action to acknowledge the words between them were best left unspoken and unsaid— at least, for now.

“...Goodnight V.” He tore his gaze from her as he turned to walk away.

“Wait— Johnny!”

She grasped his metallic hand before he had the opportunity to pull away.

“... stay with me? Just for tonight?”

With her eyes looking up at him, her smaller hand clinging onto his, causing his breath to hitch and his heart to race—

How could he say no?

“Fine, but just for tonight. I can’t have you thinkin’ I’m goin’ soft or something.”

Johnny slipped under the covers, and without even needing to be asked, he wrapped his arms around V, and she rested her head against his chest in return.

“Get some rest, samurai… the city will still be there waiting for us when you awake.”

Thank ya kindly for reading! I'm always down for some constructive criticism and I love to read any lovely comments about my fics. Do let me know if there are any mistakes, I don't have a beta reader for Cyberpunk just yet, so a few mistakes may have gotten away from me!

And feel free to send in asks/requests! I'm so in love with Johnny and V and I can spend hours thinking and talking about them aaaaa

#CW Panic Attack #Cyberpunk 2077 #Johnny Silverhand #Johnny Silverhand x V #V #my works #fanfic #fluff #hurt and comfort is my kink ngl?#god i just.... lOVE THESE TWO SM

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ipatrichor · 3 years

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Hello, I'm here to talk about your most recent chapter of ablaze. First off it's so good!!! Like oh my, the subtle world building that went on in the first two or three paragraphs! Like hints of 3 (maybe) of his deaths! And the mention of loop of braided twine being linked up to his wards! Which made me realize that magic might be common in the world!

And the way you introduce Wilbur's character is on point!! Like the last two lines of the italics section "And through it all, the persistent thought- I’m sorry. I let you down. I’m sorry.He always wakes up before he finds out who he’s apologizing to, and why." Like you can't do this to me! The fact that when he first died, he felt like he let them down and that that feeling carries over into every (maybe?) life he's had!! And that he feels the need to apologize for disappointing them even thought they would care more about the fact that he died!! Like that hurts!! (in a good way)

And the continuation of him prioritizing others over himself continues!! It took me like two read through until I clocked how messed up this line was " So what if something dark is very obviously hunting him? He hasn’t heard anything to indicate that it’s going after anyone else, so it’s really not a big deal." Like that's the same thing that caused his first death!! The lack of self preservation!!

And this line makes me laugh "He just has shit luck like that, enough so that his friend Fundy once checked if he’d been cursed as a baby or something. He turned up blank on that- Wilbur just has terrible luck, nothing supernatural about it." Specifically the nothing supernatural about it part. Like no there is totally something supernatural about it but it didn't happen when you were a baby, it happend in you first life!

Now on to the theories! First off either the wearing down of his wards is caused by the rest of the SBI or there is an actual dark creature haunting him. If it's the second thing then that might not end so well. Secondly this line "There are reading glasses perched on their nose and a book in their hands, abandoned in favor of watching him with an intensity that prickles the hairs on the back of his neck." Gives me the impression that Techno might know Niki because of a book club. (based off of the meme that the syndicate is more of a book club)

Anyways, I'm looking forward to see Niki in the next? chapter. Sorry for the long ask your fic is just good!

!!!! thank you!! honestly, you don't have to apologize :'' i rlly love hearing what people think, and getting long asks is always a treat ^^

so we get some fun stuff right off the bat ^^ all the things he's dreaming about did happen in his past lives, they're just all jumbled together as dreams tend to be :' the forest bit is from a fair few of his lives (and yes, he's died in forests before), the second thing Sure Does have some Implications, and the bit about metal in his chest is referring to his first death- he was stabbed and left to die.

the bracelet is one of my favorite little tools, lmao :' so it's a bunch of colored string sort of twisted together, and it's like a warning system- the colors of the different strings mean different things relating to the stability of his wards. when they're darker shades it means they're strong and everything is fine, but getting lighter means they're more strained. if a string broke altogether, it would mean that layer of warding was destroyed (obviously a cause for concern, lmao.) and yeah, magic is fairly common! people know about the old gods and stuff, and there are a lot of like- ghosts, and supernatural creatures and whatnot. some are perfectly lovely, and some prey on humans- hence the existence of hunters, who find creatures feeding on humans and stop them, however is necessary

dkbfdjg yeah so the idea there is that (besides his natural self-esteem issues) what he was feeling really strongly at the time of his death kind of,, carried over? so when he was dying, what he was feeling was disappointment in himself for not being better, not being good enough to keep tommy and himself safe. he feels like he let them down and he's sorry bc he knew his death would hurt them, even if he underestimated how much bc again self-esteem issues, and he really wanted to see them one more time so he could say goodbye and apologize for leaving so soon.

YEAH jkgdbfh dw that will be Addressed :' mf has had therapy, but clearly Not Enough because his own safety is still very much an afterthought for him. haha guess what the main sources of character conflict is :''

LMAO YEAH fundy was specifically checking for curses, not looking at souls so :'' he didn't pick up on anything, because he wasn't looking in the right place

those are some interesting theories! i'll tell you now that whatever it is messing with his wards, it's not sbi :) and i mean i did promise a happy ending so it'll end well, but i promise nothing of the middle and almost-end :))

kbfd techno & niki being in a book club is very funny, lmao ^^ i don't think how they met matters to the story, so feel free to headcanon it however you want! :}

#asks #themagpieszenith #mutuals #fic: ablaze #death tw

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off / make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''somebody that i used to know'' by gotye

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

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How u think kai will react if he raised his hand during argument&his s/o flinched thinking thst he will hit her? He didn't know but s/o was abused by her*hero*parents for being quircklss&went through inhuman experiments to activate it.They abandoned her in orphan announcing their*precious daughter*died while the truth thy didnt want her 2 bring shame 2 them.Kai discovered that latter bc those info are top hero secrets&she didnt tell him thinking kai will hate her if he found shes hero's daughter

HAHAHA, HOW WOULD KAI REACT?! KAI CHISAKI?! OVERHAUL. REACT TO THIS?!

My god; he would be enraged, completely surrounded by hatred and desire of execution of these two worms considered to be your biological parents.

Discussions between you two were normal; you are a couple, it happens; but even knowing that Kai would never lay a finger to hurt you, you couldn't help but squirm in terror and guard youself with your arms at the moment he raised his hands to only emphasize his point in the argument.

He immediately stopped talking as soon as he saw your scared look; sadly, he knew that expression way too well; and ended the argument right then and there.

Hearing your back story was enough for making his blood boil in a way it never had before but he maintained his composure for your sake.

Now, really, you only increased like, 100x more his hatred for heroes... Congrats.

"They're all sick. This hero syndrome has to be cured, look at what happens when we let those verms in the street... Absolutely disgusting."

Chisaki would become a little more affectionate after this just for ease your nerves. But when he is certain that you're at peace again...

That's when the real show begins...

The hero entered his home completely exausted due to his busy day at the agency as he took off his boots and called for his wife. When he heard no response he went in allert; knowing that she had taken a day off, she must had stayed in home.

He called once again checking every room in his big mansion. When he entered the living room he went rigid when he saw, not his wife, but a man in a green jacket holding one of his extremely expensive cups looking at the window.

Frightening and cold golden eyes; that seemed to pierce his soul; found them qs he finally spoke

"You're late." He spited the words before the hero felt something strongly hit the back of his neck, causing him to pass out immediately.

The man awakened feeling extremely sore as he heard his wife pleading for him to wake up. When he finally got back to reality, he noticed that both of them were chained tightly with their backs against each other.

"W-we were kidnapped dear...!" She whispered in fear "Use your quirk to get us out before the raptors come back, hurry!" She pleaded.

"Alright don't worry, we will be out of here in no time."

Suddenly, a bullet came out of no wear and hitted him straight on his chest, causing the woman to scream if her husband was okay.

"I wouldn't move around too much if I were in your shoes..." spoke a man covered in a plague mask and white hoodie aproaching the trembling couple, never once lowering down his gun.

The man winced in pain before trying to use his quirk to attack the shooter.

Sickes bitch

"W-what?" The man spoke in shook "W-what happened with my quirk?! What ylu did to me your fucker?!"

"Language." Spoke coldly the man before merciless shooting the woman's leg.

The female hero cried in pain letting out a few curses at the stranger.

"For two heroes, both of you are completely useless and disposable, aren't you?" A hushed voice spoke in the shadows of the cold building.

"What do you want from us, damn villain?" Struggled the man in the chains.

The young yakusa boss lifted himself from his place on the dark and slowly walked toward the frightened couple; looking at them with murderous, wide, psychotic eyes; following right after them two mans with also plague masks covering their faces.

Actually now that they notice, there was eight in total... all of them around.

"W-wait a second-!" Said the woman in realization "You're that young leader of Shie Hassaikai! That young yakusa group, his name is Overhaul!" Chisaki didn't seem to even listened the woman, opting to look down in nothing but disgust at the quivering man in front of him.

"Despicable, you and your wife are just disgusting... Not only carry in your veins the hero syndrome but also did something that I can't just let slide..."

"We didn't even once got into the yakusa young man, I swear on all of my career-!"

"Your words are simply equal to trash to me so don't even need to spend your breath." Interrupted the villain, extending his open hand at his side.

A black thing that was on the shoulder of a much taller man gave it to him what seemed like an really old newspaper. When the young leader grabbed, he immediately oppen it on one od the pages, reading out loud.

"'Today, unfortunately, we announce the loss of our beloved, quirkless yet respected only child (Y/N) ... While we were just enjoying the few but precious family moments together, a despicable villain attacked us and took her life during the combat. We, with pure grudge and thirsting for justice, have put the evil factor in behind the bars, but still it does not fill the void that our beloved deceased daughter left us ... rest and peace my sweet (Y/N), we will always have you in our hearts.'" Chisaki read all of what was written in pure rage.

"You two are quite the actors, to have to say that on a jornal." The man wearing a white hoodie spoke coldly.

"Actors?" Laughed nervously the woman "Our daughter died during a villain's fight long ago... She was quirkless, couldn't even protect herse-"

"I don't even need to use my quirk to identify your lies woman." Spoke the man on Overhaul's side "Those are beautiful words but clearly false."

"You really think we are that dUMB YOU PUNks?!" Screamed Mimic in offense.

"What will be your orders boss?" A blond with green shirt spoke in pure sadistic exciment.

Overhaul raised his hand, demanding silence with his gesture, as he messed in his jacket pocket before pulling out a small picture.

He abruptly shoved both of the old newspaper; which had the photo of the supposed deceased child; and a picture that he had took it of you.

"Don't you verms think that these two are a A BIT too similiar?!" He couldn't contain his wrath and shouted at both at them making both heroes flinch in fear.

"Abandoned by you both in a shelter just because they couldn't reach your expectations of being what you two are..." Spoke coldly Chrono aiming his gun close to the womans forehead.

Overhaul gave the paper back to Mimic and right after, saving the photo back in his pocket.

"Usually I don't like dirting my hands, but you two are a real special case..." he started to lower his gloves down.

"Wait a second, please!" Pleaded the man almost tearing up "H-How about a deal? Me and my wife can give you all of our money we earned as heroes! Think about about it!" The woman gave her husband a glare due to his offer.

Greddy woman... despicable. They didn't remind him any of you... thankfully.

"How much you're willing to gave us?" Spoke in interest Mimic.

"Anything really! Just let us go and don't mention about... her to anyone." Chisaki wanted to rip this man's head out of his body at the way your "father" mentioned you.

"Give them all of your credits cards and you passwords. Now." Demanded the quivering man at his wife who hesitantly showed where it was in her purse.

Chrono took all of them, right after giving Kai a silently sign that it was real and he got them right.

"Everyone, except Chrono and Mimic, get out of here and wait outside." Commanded Overhaul which everyman respind with an "yes sir."

Right after Nemoto closed the door, Mimic unchained the couple, but just as them got up to their feet, Kurono headlocked the woman as Chisaki punched the man with all his force, making him hit the floor.

"HON-" Chrono pressed the gun in the women's temple.

"Shut your mouth if you don't want your brain to explode it with this damn bullet."

Overhaul marched his way and grabbed the man's collar shirt staring at him what only could be described as a death glare.

"B-but our deal-!"

"Yo punk, we accepted the money but we didn't say anything about letting you go." Said Mimic checking all of the credit cards while holding a phone.

"You didn't really think I would let go that easy did you?" Groaned Chisaki "After everthing you and your project of a wife did to my angel..."

"Y-your what-" the man couldn't even complete his question when Chisaki merciless touched his forehead and overhauled him on the spot.

The woman screamed in terror. Trying to get out of her captor's hold.

"Don't worry I didn't forget about you... disgusting." Overhaul muttered as he rubbed his hand.

"MONSTER! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" the woman shouted not even caring about the gun glued to the side of her head anymore.

"You really are just as dumb as your husband here. I will bring him back, his punishment isn't over..." he looked at her with threatening eyes "Monster huh? Look at both of you, damn hypocrites... Listen closely." He approached the woman who trembles in fear and hate at the villain.

"For every moment of pain; physically and emotionally; for every single tear that escaped from my angel's eyes due to your actions... I will kill; torture even; you both and bring you back over and over again until I am deeply satisfied..." the woman started to sobbing in fear as she pleaded for forgiveness and beged for let them go.

"Isn't it glorius? Feeling completely vulnerable, useless and totally submissive at the power at someone else's hands? I am not the person who you should be begging for forgiveness, but I guess you let that chance slip years ago, didn't you? What a great mother..." he spoke in pure sadistic sarcasm.

In a quick move Chisaki comanded that Chrono let go of the woman, making her hit the cold ground. And just before her eyes could've had catch it, he touched her face with all of his hand and overhauled her.

"Despicable creatures..." mumbled Chisaki as he saw the mess on the ground. He made his way to your once father when Chrono called his attention holding his cellphone for Kai to see.

"It's (Y/N), she's asking how are you doing and if we will take too long to come back. What should I respond?"

"Hey Overhaul? Isn't tommorow or after the day when you meet her or something?"Asked Mimic pointed one of the many credit cards at his boss. Subconsciously giving the young villain an idea.

"Tell her is going to take a little more than we expected, my job here isn't totally complete... But tell that I have a surprise for her so just be patient." Chrono nodded as Mimic snickered.

"Getting lucky with your partner Overhaul?"

"Shut your mouth Mimic."

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #chisaki kai x reader #bnha x reader #bnha character x reader #bnha villains x reader #bnha #bnha imagine scenario #bnha characters #bnha villains #overhaul #chisaki kai #I LOVED WRITING THIS #my writing #zuffer writings

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queerhannibal · 4 years

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okay, this is a dumb question, but i love your meta posts, so feel free not to answer... i guess this is on my mind because of your quarantine headcanons and the general state of the world, but how do you think mizumono would have gone down if hannibal was sick or something and couldn't smell freddie lounds on will?

man I feel like there are two really interesting questions tied up in this question bc “what if Hannibal got sick around the time of mizumono” and “what if Hannibal hadn’t smelled Freddie” seem to me to have different answers, but for the sake of this I will answer the Freddie one and you can ask again about the other if you want

He could easily have failed to notice the scent of Freddie hanging around Will without being sick: they’ve clearly been interacting for awhile in that scene before he does notice, and I mean I doubt that’s the first time Will has seen Freddie since she “died” and clearly Hannibal didn’t notice any of the other times. If Will just hadn’t stood quite so close it would have been fine

I think there’s a reasonable chance that the only thing that would have strongly affected was the lamb dinner where Hannibal asks (begs) Will to run away with him, though, since it’s not as if the actually kill Jack dinner went to plan at all anyway, and that had nothing to do with Hannibal knowing or not knowing about Freddie

But if Hannibal hadn’t smelled Freddie he might have been more inclined to like. Pay attention to the fact that Will didn’t seem to be there to fight him?? Not immediately assume that Will didn’t want him just bc of some unrelated facts??? It’s really hard to say how much of a role that actually played in the overall outcome, because Hannibal might have made the same assumptions or he might not have. Will might not have called to warn him, I guess? But I’m not sure how much that really affected things.

Like if Will didn’t call, the fight with Jack would of course have still gone more or less the same: he still would have immediately realized something was off with Jack and certainly noticed him going for his gun. And then yk who knows why Alana is there but obviously she’s upset seeing him even if she hadn’t Known For Sure: he’s covered in blood lmao. And she legitimately did figure almost the entire thing out on her own. Neither of those people inherently indicates that Will intentionally betrayed him

Actually tbh I think the biggest difference is if Will DID call: If Hannibal hadn’t interpreted that phone call as “I am in the final hour admitting I betrayed you” but instead as “Alana just called to tell me Jack is on his way to kill you”, if he’d assumed Will was still on his side, he might actually have left?? Taken Abigail and run and tried to meet up with Will somewhere??? Like Will literally had a warrant out for his arrest, if he’d called and said “the cops are comin for me” things would probably have gone MUCH better than they did

Like even if Hannibal still more or less assumed that Will had betrayed him somehow: we know for a fact that Hannibal’s reaction to discovering Will had betrayed him was to give him a chance to take it back. I think if the way Hannibal had discovered the betrayal was through Will warning him to run away, he would not have immediately jumped to “I’m going to kill him” but instead tried to figure out a way out of the situation so he could find out what was going on on Will’s end, with killing/permanently maiming him on the table but certainly not guaranteed. If Will explained and was like “but I really do want you!” Hannibal would probably forgive him without the blood

#hannibal #hannigram #mizumono #hannibal lecter #hannibal nbc #asks #anon asks #meta #mine #2x13 Mizumono #hannibal getting sick is a p fun concept also but I think it would change things #in too many ways for it to fit with the rest of this #like I think that the whole end confrontation would be different #if he's sick #bc he'd like. cancel dinner plans probably #so Jack would come over to him just like chillin at home??#prbably no Abigail bc he wouldn't want her in the city if he's sick?

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janiedean · 5 years

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Now I want to hear the Stannis rant (when you have time)!!

hahahah have fun XD okay so for context, the tags I mentioned the aforementioned rant in:

#one day i’ll rant at lenght about how dnd never got stannis#bc they cannot conceive that a dude with THAT kinda moral compass is a complete disaster when it comes to interpersonal relationships#nor that half of the issues stannis has are bc he’s literally starving for people to see he has worth#while slaving for them anyway and being more competent than anyone else that passes before him#but this is not the day i guess

now: this is... a thing that I honestly struggle with when it comes to this fandom because the side that hates stannis thinks he’s a selfish arrogant asshole without feelings and the side that loves him is like ‘omg such a great battle commander GO RIGHTFUL KING HE’S SO BADASS’ and I feel like neither is an accurate reading because the first sees the character at mere face value (and most likely skipped the davos chapters) and the second only cares about his so-called badassness, but... thing is: stannis is an extremely competent person who’s also a disaster at relationships because he feels like no one cares for him (which isn’t exactly untrue as I’ll rant about later) who in turn everyone judges as uncaring and unfeeling when he actually isn’t and who in turn compulsively pursues what he can pursue because he has to compensate and who on the other side is absolutely starved for recognition except that he doesn’t get it.

and like... at this point I have to lay down the premises in the sense that while I really wish I didn’t, I... kind of really do relate a lot to that aspect - people assuming you’re cold/aloof because you aren’t immediately excited about things or don’t wear feelings on your sleeve - and tbh I really really love that grrm made a character who has the Good At Battles And So On reputation... a complete interpersonal rships disaster, because it actually gives him a whole new layer that I don’t see really discussed often and since that’s what I relate to... it’s sad. for me personally at least.

anyway, thing is:

the fact that stannis was the unloved baratheon brother is the exact first thing you learn from the acok prologue - I mean, ‘Stannis, my lord, my sad sullen boy, son I never had, you must not do this, don't you know how I have cared for you, lived for you, loved you despite all? Yes, loved you, better than Robert even, or Renly, for you were the one unloved, the one who needed me most.’ like, it’s the first thing the narrative throws at you in the face the moment that he does something that already puts him on the reader’s bad side ie dismissing poor cressen, but it’s basically the key to the entire damned point;

because first of all it implies stannis (who’s the middle child out of those three) felt like both his brothers didn’t love him and with their parents dying the way they did that goes too, and if we take into account the proudwing episode - he saves the damned hawk, he’s all happy he got it back to fly, robert mocks him for it and his uncle convinces him to let it die - it’s basically the metaphor for his life because whatever he does, the people who should notice don’t care;

this actually should be discussed along with the whole siege of storm’s end because like... stannis held out by almost starving himself and his men (but renly never mentions it whenever he speaks so I should suppose he doesn’t remember it as an extremely traumatic event when he was in the castle, so stannis made sure he actually had enough food to not starve most likely when no one else did) for robert and if he hadn’t done that when he was barely twenty if not nineteen they’d have lost the rebellion, which you’d think would give him nice things, right? no, because robert gives him dragonstone which stannis sees as a slight, he feels like robert loves ned more than him and he’s p. resentful about it, renly basically bypasses him when it’s time to claim the throne with the amazing explanation that ‘he’s not amusing and people wouldn’t like him’ when that’s not how succession works and he doesn’t seem to get one inch of appreciation by his relatives that he almost died for;

now he has that compulsive thing when it comes to laws and sticking to justice.... considering that he feels like all of his entire family wronged him since he was a teenager (and like, i’m obv. not blaming robert for not having been the best bc he also had trauma bc their parents died I mean we have issues but I get it) and like both his brothers feel like others (ned, loras/the tyrells) are more their family than him and/or that they don’t care for him because he’s sour/not immediately expansive/etc... are we surprised that he has that much of a problem with the concept of compulsively following justice/the rules? considering that when it comes to that it’s written black on white and fairness is objective, obviously he’s a sucker for the rules and he feels that strongly about his birthright - that’s because he feels like he can only trust in objective ruling that everyone should follow rather than people;

this is where I go personal, but... a thing that’s extremely common if you tend to be shy/not immediately an extrovert/if it takes you time to get to know people/if you aren’t a funny person automatically is that people start to assume you don’t have feelings or you don’t care about others, which in turn means that you tend to become even worse because the moment you open up you’re terrified that the other person will hate you, and that’s... peak stannis because the way he’s when the books start is out of all of that plus having married someone out of obligation for robert and getting humiliated on the same wedding night plus having just one daughter everyone sees as defective and that renly openly mocked at some point too but never mind that, and like... another thing with stannis that people don’t really notice is that while he’s crap at expressing his love for his daughter because he’s shit at feelings and relationships, he also loves her really fucking much and as someone else pointed out he didn’t educate her to marry into some other family, he educated her to be his heir and with davos’s male sons and so on, like he didn’t give her just a lady’s education, he gave her a full-on heir education, which outside dorne is unheard of, and in his last adwd chapter as much as dnd didn’t read it... he told people to put her on the throne if he died and to fight for her same as they would have for him. like, it’s obvious that he does love her, he’s just complete crap at showing it... same as he is in general because he doesn’t feel like he can be open about his feelings with people and because he pretty much has no fucking clue of how it works, which is... well... what happens when you grow up with that kind of emotional stuntedness;

that is, unless he’s talking to davos, which is what I’d really fucking like for people to realize. like, never mind the show, but when book!stannis talks to davos he immediately goes from 100% completely closed off to being all soft and as affectionate as it goes and I mean guys... just a couple quotes but:“He seemed ten years older than the man that Davos had left at Storm's End when he set sail for the Blackwater and the battle that would be their undoing. The king's close-cropped beard was spiderwebbed with grey hairs, and he had dropped two stone or more of weight. He had never been a fleshy man, but now the bones moved beneath his skin like spears, fighting to cut free. Even his crown seemed too large for his head. His eyes were blue pits lost in deep hollows, and the shape of a skull could be seen beneath his face. Yet when he saw Davos, a faint smile brushed his lips. "So the sea has returned me my knight of the fish and onions.""It did, Your Grace." Does he know that he had me in his dungeon? Davos went to one knee.”-"I am lowborn," Davos reminded him. "An upjumped smuggler. Your lords will never obey me.""Then we will make new lords.""But . . . I cannot read . . . nor write . . .""Maester Pylos can read for you. As to writing, my last Hand wrote the head off his shoulders. All I ask of you are the things you've always given me. Honesty. Loyalty. Service.""Surely there is someone better . . . some great lord . . ."Stannis snorted. [...] but I trust none of them as I trust you, my lord of Rainwood. You will be my Hand. It is you I want beside me for the battle."that’s TWO, and when davos says that his lords wouldn’t want him for a hand stannis goes like you’re more important than them to me pretty much, and in general the moment they’re alone together he’s way more open and vulnerable and sincere than he is when literally anyone else... that is because davos is the literal one person that not only is his actual friend (bc he doesn’t really have any other friends not even between his relatives), but also someone who:a) actually thinks the world of him;b) hasn’t batted an eyelid at his sense of justice I mean guys let’s be real he cut off davos’s fingertips bc he was a criminal at the same time as giving him a lordship after davos saved his life and everyone else’s and davos has the bones with him always because he thinks they’re his luck I mean k that’s extra but he actually does see stannis’s point when it comes to fairness;c) hasn’t disappointed him once;d) has only ever acted in his best interest;e) is the kind of person who’ll call him out on his bs rather than kiss his ass for honors and to someone who has stannis’s issues knowing that that kinda person exists means a whole damned lot;f) doesn’t think he’s there just to run the show without getting thankfed for it nor takes him for granted nor doesn’t recognize his efforts, which is 99,9% of his remaining issues with everyone else - ie that he does his job and does it well but no one recognizes it and everyone else passes in front of himg) sees his worth, which is a thing stannis is literally starved for but doesn’t get from many others period;which means he has one healthy relationship with someone bar maybe his daughter. one. that’s... not really that great or good whatsoever;

I mean there’s a reason why stannis wants that throne so bad. not that he cares about it, but that’s his right, so anyone else getting it would be the umpteenth time in his eyes that someone cheats him off something that’s rightfully is (storm’s end, his brothers’s love/affection/support etc);

like, it’s not about how stannis is such a great badass fighter strategist, it’s that he wants the throne that badly because not getting it would be just the last straw in the list of slights he feels that he’s been at the end of for his entire life and one more humiliating than any of those others, because otherwise he wouldn’t give a damn;

and like... what I think dnd missed and a lot of people also do is that the ‘great commander who wins fights’ doesn’t mean he also can’t be a guy with extremely bad issues when it comes to interpersonal rships thanks to trauma and to the almost entirety of people around him writing him off as the not fun boring guy who only cares about laws when the only reason stannis cares that much about what’s fair and what’s not is that he feels like everyone else has been unfair to him.

and like....... recognizing that would require admitting that stannis is the farthest thing in these books from a badass conqueror guy who wins battles and wants to be king and will be an equally badass king - he’s an extremely competent guy who became competent at his job out of sheer stubborness and perfection complex who is everything but an emotionless machine (regardless of what people who should know better ie his brothers might think) and who has been disappointed so much in this sense that he can only have a healthy relationship with one single person who is not so coincidentally someone who saved his life, didn’t see anything wrong in his strike for justice, recognizes his worth and would die for him, which... is really not anyone else’s case in his immediate vicinities (not counting his soldiers and so on but that’s another problem entirely). that requires admitting that westeros crap toxic societal standards have hurt him too and that he has a second side that’s not really so cool (guys being emotionally stunted is not fun, I’ll 100% guarantee it to you, and people assuming you’re cold or emotionless because you can’t immediately open up to them is even worse) and that if you want to project greatness on him you should also embrace the fact that he’s a complete human disaster who is as starved for recognition/appreciation as jon is and there’s probably a reason why they were getting along so well in adwd.

and like, I think the fanbase who hails him as the new coming of jesus doesn’t recognize that because it interferes with the fearless conqueror dude fantasy - which is his superficial reading, not his actual reading, same as people deciding he’s emotionless just out of superficial reading, while dnd obviously didn’t know how to write him since S3 because they couldn’t decide what to do with him... but obviously, because dnd have no idea of how to write a male character who is both a strong military commander and an emotional disaster who wants recognition for his own worth and isn’t a power hungry asshole. nvm that dnd have no idea of how to write emotionally vulnerable male characters (see what they did with jaime tyrion theon and sandor and that’s not even counting jon or robb) but stannis was obv. too complicated for them to even consider actually trying for real.

/two cents

#stannis baratheon #janie writes meta #i guess #ch: stannis baratheon #hey do I have salt about stannis? A WHOLE DAMNED LOT #also: I know he's done a lot of horrid shit #AND NO ONE SAYS LISTENING TO MEL IS A GOOD THING #nor we think his acok choices were good choices #this is about WHY he is the way he is #and the side where he's a 100% human disaster is only ever touched #by some ppl in fandom once in a while #and most of them left with S5 #understandably #because I refuse to recognize the S5 finale #long post for ts #janie rants #dragonsthough101 #ask post

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7hyuns · 5 years

Text

coloured by romance

haechan x reader

warnings; argument, the slightest bit of angst, fake variety show bc i couldn’t think of any to fit my plot :), maybe a lil bit of swearing i don’t have any self control

song; sweet - cigarettes after sex, out of mind - tove lo

word count; 4.4k ladies

requested; yes!! thank you :)

- May I request a Haechan scenario? (angsty but turns fluffy lol) maybe where you his idol gf but you’re currently in a big argument and then the both of you have to attend some kind of variety show? ⭐️

An irritated sigh left his lips for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, and he’d only been with you for an hour. When his annoyance had first become evident for you, which hadn’t taken very long to happen, you’d second-guessed yourself almost immediately, which you were now ever more vexed by. You’d taken a couple minutes to think about what you could have possibly done wrong to make him radiate that kind of feeling, but you’d eventually come up with nothing that was bad enough to make him act like this.

Stealing a quick glance over at him as people continued to move all around you, you tried to guess what could have happened, and that’s when you let a bubble of concern move through you. It was wrong of you to immediately assume that his emotions must be based around you all the time, and you should have asked sooner if something had gone wrong in his day to upset his mood like this. Maybe you could’ve asked one of his group members when they’d been mulling around closer to you, but not many of them had seemed particularly lively either.

Hyuck kept his eyes focused forward, not sparing you even the smallest of looks as he seemed to be completely zoned out. A small burst of nerves was beginning to move through, much to your disappointment, as you knew already that you shouldn’t have anything to be nervous about around your own boyfriend. You tried to rationalise the strange, tense feeling in your gut to being simply because you were tired, you had been practicing all day and now you were growing sleepy and your mood was just deteriorating because of that. Some small voice in your brain was insistent that your logical answer wasn’t and couldn’t be the case, that because you had this weird pit opening up in your stomach you should back down from saying anything about Hyuck’s behaviour to him.

“Hyuck?” You questioned softly, turning your head to face him comfortably as you decided it was best to directly push back against the seemingly proof-less doubts in your mind. For a moment, he gave you no reaction, simply remaining with his eyes facing forward and blankly staring at a wall on the further side of the dinner hall. After a few beats of heavy silence – or as silent as you could get surrounded by other people having their own conversations – you heard him offer a short hum in response, making it sound more like a grunt of acknowledgement.

Clearing your throat, you began to wish that he’d at the very least look at you when you were trying to talk to him, “Are you okay?” You asked, keeping your voice soft so it wouldn’t disturb him too much.

He turned to look at you for an uncomfortable minute, his eyebrows rose and lips parted slightly as yet another sigh left his mouth. “What?” he asked, looking at you expectantly as you almost felt yourself flounder as his blunt response. He seemed to notice, or at least presume you didn’t understand his question, as he rephrased it only a moment later. “I didn’t hear what you said.”

Nodding, you felt one of your hands jump to reach out for your other, tangling around your digits as you twisted them to try and find a respite from the sudden anxiety buzzing through you. “I said,” you began, pausing as you realised your tone was harsher than you intended it to be, “uh, I said, are you okay?” You finished, trying to consciously soften to your tone as you spoke each word.

Hyuck simply gave you a curt nod, his lips closing into a tight line as he turned away from you again. His reaction, while you wanted to believe it was just because he was finding it hard to have a conversation in the chaos of the room, you just couldn’t make yourself accept that when you knew that there had to be more. You gently skimmed your hand along his arm, trying to catch his attention without calling out to him again. Feeling him tense underneath your fingertips, you pulled your hand away from him, waiting instead for him to turn his head towards you again. His vexation at whatever was bothering him had seemed to increased considerably, his eyes looking at you as if he was already bored by something you hadn’t even been given the chance to say yet.

You wanted to grow to match his annoyance, maybe even to go higher and become increasingly angered by how bluntly he had been treating you since he got here, without giving you any obvious reason for it. Instead, you found yourself falling into concern, worry for what had happened to make him act so blankly when he was usually so much more than this filtering through you no matter how much you protested.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” You asked, keeping your voice just even enough for it to be audible within the hall.

Some form of genuine emotion seemed to cross over his face then, but it wasn’t exactly what you had wanted or expected for him to feel in response to such a mundane question. His jaw seemed to tighten, his eyes flitting away from your own as he appeared incredibly flustered for a moment. You wanted to keep talking, to keep asking questions, to push him to give you answers to everything you wanted to let slip from your mouth in a jumble. You couldn’t tell whether all the things you wanted to know were just because of the curiosity lingering as his mood seemed to continue to worsen, or because of the deep-set concern that had decided to make itself prevalent inside of you.

No words had made their way past his lips yet, and he currently seemed intent on keeping it that way, much to you confusion. The situation in front of you was already turning into something you couldn’t fully grasp, your understanding of why you seemed to be catching the worst end of his mood completely escaping you. “Yes, I’m sure,” you heard Hyuck finally speak, the edge in his voice distracting you from where you’d been caught up in your spinning thought process, “I’m not a child, I know what I’m feeling.” He interrupted your thinking again, making you glance up at him with your eyebrows raised in confusion.

It was in the unusual moments where Hyuck seemed to be putting seriousness behind his quips that you wished you had the same talent for biting comments that he did. Instead, you found yourself without the right words to say in response to him growing impossibly defensive in the space of seconds. Clearing your throat in discomfort, you made sure you were still holding his eye contact before speaking, “You’re just,” you started again, stopping as you realised that making a spiteful comment wasn’t what needed to happen right in this moment.

Hyuck, however, seemed intent on you finishing your sentence; his eyebrows were rose and his lips had parted, as if he was preparing himself to argue back with whatever point you wanted to propose to him. “I’m just what?” He prompted, looking as if he had been caught somewhere between frustrated by your lack of retort and amused by the idea of you purposefully stopping the snide comment that was evidently lingering on the tip of your tongue.

Sighing, you played with the idea of actually saying something, of giving in to the fantasy of not thinking your words through before you said them as he seemed content to feed into the concept with you. “You’re just being a bit of a dick, is all,” you finalised, not being comfortable or angry enough to blatantly insult him, even if he was treating you wrong in the moment.

Hyuck rolled his eyes, looking away from you and scoffing before turning back, his eyes narrowed and sharper than they had been earlier. “And you don’t think to wonder why?” He bit back, letting the edge of his voice consume it entirely so he sounded intentional and broodier over the suggestion that just maybe he wasn’t acting like normal than he really was.

You didn’t know how to react to his words as he said them, unsure of whether you should recoil, run away from the situation and find a calmer respite until his mood died down, or whether you should spit something back, try and think of anything you could say that would make you feel justified. “Didn’t I already ask?” You bevelled your head at him, watching as his lips quirked upwards in a bitter smile as he scoffed louder than before. “Go on, then,” you began prompting, watching as he glanced back over to you with his jaw jutted upwards, “tell me what’s got you acting like a child.”

The last comment seemed to bite into him, his teeth scraping against one another as his mouth fell into a compressed line and he took a thick swallow. “Maybe if you weren’t so annoying, I wouldn’t need to dodge a million conversation I don’t wanna have every single day.” He threw out, letting his eyes leave yours as he finished speaking.

On one hand, the most self-doubting part of you latched onto what he’d said. Maybe you did talk too much, maybe you did ask too many unwanted questions, maybe you’d gotten boring and your conversations had grown stale to him. On the other, much stronger hand, you could feel the pit of irritation give way to a louder feeling, one that protested strongly against any hint of self-deprecation stemming from his words. You hadn’t done anything. If he didn’t want to waste his time talking to you, he shouldn’t feel the need to.

Mirroring his earlier reaction and rolling your eyes at him, you stood up straighter, the tightness and oddness of the fabric of your organised outfit all of sudden becoming prevalent, sliding itself to the forefront of your mind as you wished you could be at home, out of your dinner-party get-up and curled into the warm sheets of your bed. Your chest rose with a sharp intake of breath, your feet already taking the first step in your route away from Hyuck, unsure of what to do in the wake of such a minor and yet lingering argument.

His eyes didn’t leave your frame as your back turned to him, his voice finding itself entering the atmosphere before he fully thought through saying something coherent, “So, you’re just gonna walk away?” He prodded again, already being able to picture the image of distaste flashing against your features at his words.

“Yeah,” you responded tiredly, looking back over your shoulder at him for the briefest of moment, only enough to catch him moving to sigh for another painstaking time again. Your body felt heavy against you, as if it was purposefully slowing you down in your walk away from Hyuck and back towards your own group members in search of comfort.

///

After spending the last year of your life talking to one person, you suddenly felt consumed with the strangeness and detachment that came with being distanced from them. It didn’t seem to matter how much the desire to seek out Hyuck and get back onto a regular communication basis grew within you, some petty and childish need to not look like you needed him was constantly pressed to your chest. You hated that, you hated that you even felt it necessary to play games and go around in circles with him, but part of you didn’t want to accept the easier options in front of you.

Maybe your new-found bitterness was because you knew it wasn’t you who needed to apologise. It wasn’t your place to spew apologies and rush back to him because it hadn’t been you who pushed him away in the first place. Or maybe that was just a way to relinquish the growing feeling of doubt in your actions of ignoring him whenever he decided to finally get back in contact with you, and maybe it was in part to justify the slight bubble of irrational guilt that you could constantly feel following you around.

Keeping up to your schedules with this weight against you had been something of a challenge, but you knew in the long-run both the normality and joy that completing the consistent actions and tasks in your day-to-day would help get you back on track. On the days that strayed slightly from the general schedule you were used to, you’d begun to feel more flustered, more like the different variety shows and social media updates and photoshoots were being thrown at you even when you’d had a considerable amount of time to prepare yourself.

Or maybe it was just the action of not giving yourself time to stop and dwell over Hyuck when you were on variety shows that was becoming trickier the longer you avoided speaking with him. It was difficult; you’d often find your mind drifting off to him and before you could really think of anything else, you’d be blanking out from the rest of the show, feeling your chest shrink in on itself at the prospect of having to partake in games and questions while your mind continued to spin like it had been.

But if there was an aspect of your schedule you’d begun to resent and maybe even allow the build-up of anxiety become strong enough to let you debate faking sick and getting yourself out of it, it was being on the same variety show as Hyuck and his members. When you’d first had that you would have that opportunity with him, you’d both been irrationally happy, excited to share another experience together. Now that you weren’t talking to him at all, the idea of having to stand with him, his members and your own members and act as though nothing had changed sounded like torture. As sad as it was to try and imagine what was going through Hyuck’s mind in the moments since you’d left him at the dinner party, you assumed it would either be exactly the same as yours or a far duller version of it. Of course, you concluded that he wouldn’t particularly want to see you right now, but whether or not he’d be feeling anything other than distaste for being in your presence again so soon, you didn’t know.

When the day finally rolled around, you’d complained from the very moment your leader had pulled you from your bed, following you around as you were rushed along in your movements of getting ready. You hadn’t set an alarm, you recalled, namely because you hadn’t wanted to accept that waking up and actually going to see Hyuck when you were in this state with him was your reality. You’d protested as your manager ushered all of you into the van, chiding that you should have gotten ready quicker if you didn’t want to be rushed along, more complaints spilling from your lips as your members immediately jumped to their own defence, dropping you as the only one who was up and ready late.

Reaching the building, you turned to face your leader as you kept your arms firmly planted by your lap instead of moving to unclasp your seatbelt like everyone else had. “I’m not feeling well,” you whined, dropping your head back to fall against the head-rest as you earned a scoff in response.

“Oh, right, of course, I’m sure that’s it,” you heard the car door on your side slide open, and you cracked one of your eyes open to see your manager gesturing you out of the vehicle. You gripped onto the material of your seatbelt, tugging on it to show her that you couldn’t get out while it was still done up, hearing your leader laugh as the warmth of their frame disappeared from beside you.

Meanwhile, your manager tipped her head at you and pouted her bottom lip out in mock sympathy, making you groan in retaliation, earning a chuckle as the sensation of your seatbelt locked around you left you, seeing your manager retracting her hands just as you opened your eyes again. “Do I have to?” You asked quietly, swinging one leg to hover above the concrete below you while the other remained inside the car. Laughing softly at your childish protests, your manager nodded, moving out of the way to give you space to finally reach the outside of the building you’d be filming in, hearing your members cheer when they saw your form finally exit the security of the car.

Huffing, you paced over to them, following everyone else inside, glancing around quickly to try and guess whether Hyuck had arrived yet. You concluded that they had the second you got inside the building, hearing a flurry of male voices already talking with one another in a mix of volumes and languages, doing little to surprise you in the context. Turning the corner to the room directly before the filming studio, you bit back another dramatic sigh before it had the chance to pass your lips when you caught sight of Hyuck.

Giving him a once over, it was hard to notice any signal to indicate whether or not he’d struggled over the week to get over the what should have remained a minuscule argument with you. Although, you supposed, if anyone had taken one look at you and been told to guess whether or not you’d been having a good week, they wouldn’t really think twice about assuming you had. Part of you felt vindictive and wrong for hoping his week had been at the very least a little off, a little discomforting and stressful as he came to realise just how badly he’d treated you that night. Being as dramatic as you were lately made you feel even more childish for storming away from him that night instead of staying and trying to fix it properly instead of letting him provoke you.

Feeling a hand curl around your wrist lightly and beginning dragging you forward brought you back into the same room as everyone else. The notion of being on camera right now was making your stomach turn in flips, worry causing your hands to tug away from your member’s and tangle with your other one again. The room appeared brighter than all the others, and you suddenly regretted not clamping your eyes shut the second you’d walked in the room instead of letting yourself follow Hyuck along in his movements to get into position before the camera’s were turned on.

One of the hosts paced quickly towards Hyuck’s general area, peaking your attention as you stared over at them unabashedly, no particular concern for him seeing you looking in his direction, almost hoping he would so you’d give him an excuse to come over and talk to you. You glanced over his outfit, noting that he’d picked it himself and that it looked good and well-fitted on him, fighting the urge to want to pick an argument with him purely because he looked nice on a day when you were supposed to still be angry with him. Catching sight of him and the few of his members closest to where he stood glancing over at you, you felt a sudden wave of unsureness, shifting on the balls of your feet as you dropped eye contact with Hyuck as soon as you were sure his head drifted to yours.

Sparing a cautious glance back, you saw the host chuckling softly, gesturing you over to them with a welcoming grin on his face. Clearing your throat to yourself in preparation of introducing yourself, you began to walk forward, biting back the nervous urge to look at Hyuck for encouragement as you did so. It had become a habit, letting your eyes flit to his and watch as he’d offer you the brightest of grins and mouth something supportive to you whenever you did anything he knew you would be unsettled about. Maybe he was like that because he’d been an idol longer than you, or maybe Hyuck was overall just more confident in these areas than you, but you fought back the want to do so anyway.

The host offered you an even wider grin as you finally reached them, allowing your eyes to shift up from the floor, “So,” he was already starting to speak, catching you significantly off-guard as you jolted a little at the volume of his voice, “we were just thinking, since it’s your first variety show together, you and Haechan should be closer to one another during the filming, right?” He suggested, looking between the two of you as you attempted to guess what Hyuck would have said in response. Would he have refused, and now you were going to agree and look silly? Or would he have agreed, and now you were going to refuse and look rude? Your brain hurt to try and picture the things that went on in Hyuck’s mind, knowing already you didn’t really have a chance.

“I said I thought that’d be pretty cool,” you heard Hyuck interrupt, “don’t you think, ___?” He offered you the prompt, clearly having noticed you were floundering to figure something out. You wanted to be annoyed with yourself, irritated that you’d needed his help already today, but part of his statement gave you a glimmer of hope, that maybe you’d imagined the whole argument by yourself and it had just never happened in the first place.

Nodding, you found the confidence within you to verbalise something before the air could grow thick with awkwardness, “Yeah, that sounds…that sounds like it’ll be nice.”

A flurry of noise and movement suddenly smacked you in the face, feeling yourself being tugged and adjusted into a position closer to Hyuck that still made you look good in the lighting. Once you’d finally been twisted into the correct positioning, more people began buzzing both around you and around the people around you. The sheer amount of movement around you made your head spin as you tried to catch some parts of it instead of letting yourself look at Hyuck until you absolutely had to.

The feeling of his fingertips skimming along the skin of your hand made you jump slightly, eyes glancing over at him with confusion glazing over your features, only earning a sheepish smile in response. He leaned to be closer to you, lowering his voice to a hushed whisper so you’d know his words were only meant for you to hear, “Are you okay?”

The reminiscence of your own question from that earlier night caught you, and while you wanted to turn away from him and be offended that he’d bring up something like that as a joke that he was evidently comfortable just laughing at, you couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled up your throat. Sighing, you opened your palm up to let his hand slip into your own properly, moving your free-hand to rub over your face before remembering the make-up that had been done earlier in the day, your hand stilling just as it reached your skin and then dropping back down to your side. Hyuck let out an amused giggle, watching as you hummed in mock thought before offering him your own rendition of his curt nod, making his laughter raise in volume.

“Hey,” you heard him speak softly, keeping his voice hushed so only you’d hear him, “I really do wanna say that I’m sorry for being such a dick.”

You laughed, nodding at him as he spoke, “I guess I’m sorry for overreacting, too.”

Humming, Hyuck shrugged at you, “I’m not so sure you did, to be honest,” he cleared his throat quickly and then breathed in deeply through his nose, “anyway, that’s not the point, I had something to say.” You bit back at laugh again, closing your lips into a line to fight off the urge to let it bubble past your lips. “I know it’s not an excuse,” he began, peaking your interest further than it already was, “but I was just, I was so tired, and then we had the dinner party and there was so much talking and I wanted to be at home, I really just wanted to be at home and asleep.” He finished, not purposefully dropping his eye contact but letting his eyes wander to the blank room around him as he spoke cautiously.

Tracing a small heart onto the skin of his hand, you watched his lips quirk upwards in a soft smile before you began talking. “I understand, I wanted to go home, too,” you started, “I’m just glad to know you weren’t actually mad at me for something,” you laughed softly.

His eyebrows furrowed as he shook his head before you even finished your sentence, “I could never,” he joked, nudging you with his shoulder before he pressed the briefest of kisses to your temple, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way, though, seriously.”

Smiling up at him, you tried to ignore the way a laugh almost past his lips when you jumped at the surprise of hearing the hosts begin shouting about the camera’s, ‘rolling very soon!’ Hyuck tightened his grip on your hand, “Now,” he began again, and as you looked at him you saw the way the lights in the room made his skin look like it was glowing, “smile and act like everything’s been completely normal for the last week, hm? No more talking about arguments or else they’ll figure out that we do really hate one another.”

Humming in agreement, you straightened your back in order to seem more confident and prepared for the camera’s turning on, turning your head slightly to see Hyuck peaking down at you as you grinned at him, “Bet you a meal that I can look more in love with you than you do with me?” You suggested, watching as his lips curled upwards again.

“You make all these bets and yet you always end up regretting them when I win,” Hyuck sighed in mock disappointment, quieting his laugh after you shoved him away from you lightly with the back of his hand when the hosts announced the camera’s were about to be turned on.

#hhh the soft stan really popped out #my bAaAaAbBbYyY #writing #nct scenarios #nct 127 scenarios #nct dream scenarios #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct dream imagines #nct reactions #nct 127 reactions #nct dream reactions #haechan scenarios #haechan #nct #s; nct #g; fluff #g; angst #m; ldh

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queen-scribbles · 5 years

Text

From the Depths

For @pillarspromptsweekly 99 Rebuild. I’m using Adi for this, since I already touched on Tavi in other fics and haven’t decided for Emiri yet, but this is all theoretical bc my lil fluffy nerd hasn’t even met Queen Onekaza yet in actuality. :D

---

Adela would never be used to the disorienting rush that accompanied her return from talking to the gods. It didn’t matter what she learned or where she woke, there was always this vaguely nauseated edge to her senses for the next couple hours. But as the pieces of Eothas’ plan came together, as well as the history that drove his actions, the nausea started hanging around longer, accompanied by a faint and growing sense of dread.

When she stood on a spire of adra and watched both the Wheel and the reborn god’s form crumble, the nausea and dread showed up in force and she almost wished for a conference of the gods. Much as they bickered and plucked her nerves, like younger siblings spoiling for a fight, they may have at least had some more advice. Because nothing she’d come up with had deterred Eothas from his plan. The best she’d been able to do was soften the blow, so to speak. She hoped. ‘Take pity,’ she’d begged, and the god of light and redemption had seemed to pause, just for a second. Time would tell if she’d only been imagining things, or if not, what he’d done in that second. For now, it was a decent walk back to the Ilhana, and she was emotionally drained from the last few hours. They all were(though none more than Xoti and Edér, she was sure).

None of them spoke as they wound their way through the desolate remnants of Ukaizo toward the harbor. There was too much to process. The Wheel was gone. The course of nature as they knew it was altered, a god had died in the process(for the second time), and the implications of everything they’d learned sparked too many questions to count.

Adela was disproportionately relieved when they rounded the final curve to Ukaizo’s harbor and she saw her ship bobbing at anchor. It felt--almost jarringly--like home. It was, at least, something familiar after everything that happened, and that alone made the thought of a boat more welcome than it would usually be. A sharp whistle echoed from the deck as soon as they came into view, and by the time they’d skirted the Guardian’s lifeless form, nearly everyone she’d left behind had congregated in the stone plaza.

“How do I tell them?” Adela muttered, scrubbing her eyes with one hand as she scanned the expectant faces. They’d followed her all the way here, through the most harrowing seas known to kith or beast, with the singular goal of stopping Eothas. And they hadn’t.

Edér squeezed her shoulder.”If I knew that, I’d offer t’ do it for ya, Adi.”

“It is a rather fantastical account,” Aloth agreed, rubbing the back of his neck. “But so are many of the things you’ve encountered and overcome.”

“What makes this one borderline outlandish is that we didn’t,” Konstanten chipped in wryly. “Overcome, I mean.”

“Might as well tell ‘em,” Adela sighed. “Sooner that’s out of the way, sooner we can leave, and kith as a whole can start trying to figure out a way to fix this.”

“Can we?” Xoti asked skeptically.

“Well, I mean, there was some method in place before the Engwithans created the Wheel,” Adela said. “Not to imply we can just revert to that, whatever it was, only that it’s possible to do some other way. Or we could try to recreate the Wheel...” She shook her head. “Look, for now, all I want to do is tell them, and then sleep on it while we get out of here. After I get some rest, I’ll be all too happy to theorize and plan.”

“It’ll be interesting to see how different the seas are without the Mortar churnin’ away,” Konstanten commented, rubbing his beard contemplatively.

“And you’ll get to very shortly.” By now, they were close enough for Adela to address the gathered crew and there was no more time for asides.

“How did it go, casita?” Irrena asked, the first one--as always--to find her voice.

Adela wrinkled her nose. “Well, good news, we found out how to clear up Ondra’s Mortar so the journey back will be much easier.”

“And the bad news?” Beodul prompted, crossing his arms.

“We couldn’t stop Eothas,” she said, bracing herself for surprise and censure at her admission of failure. There were times she wondered if kith outside her closest friends believed she could fail. “He destroyed the Wheel. We need to sail back to Neketaka and talk to the remaining faction leaders about how we want to proceed.”

There was surprise--shock, even--in some of the faces turned toward her, but none looked disappointed. Apparently it was understandable if even someone with her storied record couldn’t take down a god. That was something of a relief.

“The Wheel is gone?” Kuldrun spoke up. He had paled noticeably when Adela looked his way.

She grimaced. “Yes, but Eora has vast resources of both intellect and materials, and some time before we start to see the effects of this, so I’m sure we can find a way to rebuild or replace it.” She ran her fingers through the wisps of hair that had escaped her bandanna, brushing them back from her eyes. “For now, let’s just worry about getting back to Neketaka, alright?”

Some of the crew seemed to share Kuldrun’s worry, but they all nodded, and the small knot of kith started almost as one back up the Ilhana’s ramp. Adela and her companions followed behind the crew. Even with the Mortar calmed, it would be three or four days’ sail back to Neketaka. The sooner they could start, the better for all concerned. Which was literally everyone.

Adela cast a half-longing look back over her shoulder as she trudged up the ramp. Under other--better--circumstances, she would love to wander what remained of Ukaizo. Just explore the streets, see what she could learn. But there wasn’t time now. Maybe she could come back, now that kith were able to control Ondra’s Mortar. Shame Kana couldn’t come with her; he’d love to see this.

Dwelling on the Mortar brought another train of thought to mind, and she tapped Beodul on the arm. “Where Daelia? I didn’t see her with the rest of the crew.”

“Where do you think?” the dwarf snorted.

Well, that answered her next couple questions, too. “Thank you.” Rest first, then she could check in with the crew who hadn’t been in the harbor. She headed for her cabin.

Aloth followed. “Adela.”

“Yes, Aloth?” She plunked her grimoire on the desk and sat in the chair to start unlacing her boots.

“Do you really think that was wise?” He shut the door and leaned back against it. “Telling them everything?”

“First off, it wasn’t everything,” she retorted. The first boot came loose and thunked hollowly against the floor. “Nothing about the how, when, or why of the Wheel’s creation, or the history of what the Huana and Engwithans did. But they knew what we came here to do-” the second boot dropped “-I feel like they deserve to know how things stand.”

“And you aren’t worried a panic will start the first time we make port?” Aloth pointed out. “People hearing second- or third-hand that the Wheel is gone, destroyed by Eothas for that matter, are not going to ask if there’s potential for a solution. They’re simply going to worry.”

“So let me get this straight....” Adela sent him a strongly dubious look. “I should have kept it a secret because it’s too dangerous for common kith to know and they wouldn’t react well to the truth? B’cause you know who that sounds like, right?” She tugged off her bandanna and dropped it on top of her grimoire. “You sort of helped me kill him, if memory serves, and have spent five blazing years trying to single-handedly dismantle his following.”

Aloth’s face colored and his ears twitched irritably. “I’m not saying they should never know, Adela. I’m saying it would be better learned from their leaders, with all relevant information presented together, then heard in bits and pieces as a dockside rumor that’s been through Usher knows how many people first.”

“I see your point,” Adela allowed. “But you know I’ve always believed honesty is the best policy.”

“I hope you’re right,” he said softly, tucking his hair behind one ear and then fidgeting with the pages of his own grimoire. “In this case more than most.”

“Me, too,” she said with a wry snort. “But I can’t help thinking the solution to this mess may be thought up by a Huana fisherman, or a Dyrwoodan merchant, or some other ‘commoner’ who would be considered an unlikely source, so the faster kith hear about it, the faster we may get at least pieces of a solution.” She pulled her braid over her shoulder and started curling the end of it around her thumb. “Knowledge is meant to be shared, right?”

“Yes, but not willy-nilly,” Aloth countered. “Or you get mass panic under some circumstances, or mob justice, or kith dabbling in power they con’t control...”

“I get it, I get it,” Adela sighed. She maybe didn’t completely agree, but she saw where he was coming from, and it was a valid argument. “Still not sorry I was honest with my crew. And if it makes you feel any better, we’re not stopping anywhere before Neketaka unless we have to. So any rumors or panic won’t have long to spread before the truth can counter it.”

“It still feels like a bit much of a risk for me,” Aloth said with a shrug. “But I trust you, so if this is how you want to handle the situation, I will support you, as always.”

“Thank you.” She slid out of the chair and crossed the room to squeeze his hand with a grateful smile. “It means a lot that you back me, even when we disagree.”

He smiled in return. “Someone may have once pointed out that’s something friends do.”

She giggled and sent him a mischievous look. “Someone sounds smart.”

“She is.” He squeezed her hand back. “I believe at the moment she’s also tired, so I’ll take my leave and let her get some rest.”

“You’re not wrong, and she appreciates it.” As if on cue, Adela yawned. “See you in... nine or ten hours, I guess?”

“From the quality of those dark circles, I’d say that’s an optimistic estimate,” Aloth smiled. “But you know where to find me.”

She nodded and watched him go. She really was tired; enough she could probably fall asleep without much trouble, even though they were at sea.

---

Conservative as her estimate had been, Adela didn’t even get the anticipated nine or ten hours’ sleep. Instead, she was all but rolled out of her bunk to land in a heap on the floor when the Ilhana banked hard to port. She blinked and shook her head in an attempt to wake herself up, but still had barely made it to her feet when someone pounded on her door.

“Yeah?” she hollered, scrambling for her boots. Her hair fell in her eyes, but she just impatiently raked it back.

The door banged open and Xoti all but tumbled into the room. “Beodul said t’ come getcha, Adi. There’s... somethin’ out there you need to see.”

“What?” Adela shoved her feet in her boots and nodded back toward the door.

“Just... you’ll see.” Xoti darted back to the ladder abovedecks.

Now fully awake from pure curiosity, if nothing else, Adela followed her friend. She hadn’t even fully emerged on deck when she did, indeed, see what Xoti had been talking about. “Whoa.”

“Toldja.” Xoti shot her an expectant look as Beodul broke off his conversation with Kuldrun and headed their way.

“Beodul,” Adela nodded around a yawn so big it made her jaw click.

“Watcher. Sorry to cut your rest so short, but whaddya think of this?” He gestured at the island off the starboard rail, surmounted by algae-slicked, still dripping ruins that absolutely had not been there on their way to Ukaizo.

Adela blinked and stared at the architecture. If it wasn’t for the fact someone else was pointing them out, she might’ve wondered if she was still dreaming. From this distance she couldn’t make out many details, but they were clearly ancient. How ancient would require a closer look.

“I think I want go explore a bit,” she finally said. There was something about the nearest spire.... “Who wants to come along?”

Konstanten, Xoti, and Tekéhu were her only takers. In theory that was plenty; if this ruin had risen from the sea as it appeared, there shouldn’t be any living threats, just structural ones. In which case a smaller group might be better.

The fading light meant they wouldn’t have long, but she didn’t really need more than an hour for now. Just enough to get a better look, satisfy her curiosity, maybe figure out what this place was.

As the smaller longboat made its way through the waves, guided smoothly by Tekéhu’s watershaping, Adela couldn’t tear her gaze away from the arches and spires. Even as dimly colored shadows, there was something familiar about them. It didn’t hit her until they’d beached the longboat and started trekking toward the closest section of ruins.

Engwithan. There were distinctly Engwithan elements to the design, the patterns of the stonework. Even as this revelation hit her, Tekéhu let out a grunt of surprise.

“Ekera, it seems this place was built by my people,” he murmured, pointing to a cluster of buildings off to the side. They were just as clearly Huana as the ones Adela had seen were Engwithan.

“They’re mixed,” she muttered, a thousand theories spinning through her mind. “More evidence of working together...” Evidence that had been hidden at the bottom of the ocean until a couple hours ago at most. A long-past conversation surfaced in her memory, so clear she could feel the icy wind that had been its backdrop, and the implications made her clap both hands over her mouth, ears dipping low as she squeaked in delight. “I don’t believe it...”

“Believe what?” Xoti asked, ready to be excited for her but unsure why.

“This is... this is a place Ondra wanted forgotten,” Adela said, voice trembling with mingled awe and excitement. Galawain’s hide, she wished Aloth or Edér had been awake to come along. Or, Hel, that somehow Kana could be here. Someone who would understand exactly what this meant to her. “She sank them, so they would fade from kith’s memory. And they’re back.” She almost reverently placed one hand against a nearby pillar and wiped off the coating of slime to reveal Engwithan runes. It took a moment to recall their meaning; some things were still jumbled from all her soul had been through, but- “Path of Souls...”

She wiped off more muck, but the rest was all patterns and decoration. Still, it was enough. This had been something important to the Engwithan study of souls. Which would make it very helpful to explore and study in their current circumstances.

“Watcher....” Tekéhu paused, biting his lip in thought or concern. “Why did it surface now, do you think?”

She remembered the pause, Eothas hesitating for a bare moment before battering the Wheel to pieces. “As a head start. I’ll bet my favorite grimoire there’s more places like this that suddenly resurfaced after centuries. And I’ll bet most--if not all--of them have information and secrets that can help us deal with the Wheel’s destruction!” She looked around, practically bouncing in excitement “Even if it can’t, it’s bound to be fascinating to study.” She tugged on her necklace. “What do you think are the chances of dropping anchor nearby for the night so we can come back tomorrow with more light?”

“I think even if Kuldrun wasn’t superstitious enough to make him wantin’ to linger a long shot, we’ve got somewhere important to be,” Konstanten reminded her. “I know you love this stuff, Watcher, but we can mark it an’ come back. You already have a plan.”

And he had a point. She did need to talk to all the people of authority so they knew what was going on and could start working on a solution. She just had a feeling there sorts of places were going to be a big part of any solution they found. Between that and her insatiable curiosity, the reluctant nod she gave pained Adela more than she let on.

“You’re right,” she sighed. “Well look around a little bit more before all the light’s gone, and then mark this place on the map when we leave.” She glanced up at Tekéhu and smirked. “I guess you’ll want to come with me when I come back?”

He grinned. “I do have to admit a certain curiosity. I would be happy to return with you.”

“Great! Right now, thought, we’re wasting time.” Adela bounced on her toes a couple more times before scampering further in to the ruins. At this point, they had less than an hour of light left, and she wanted to use every bit of it she could. As help from the gods went, she liked this much better than random conferences that yanked her soul from her body. Ancient ruins beat bickering gods any day. Between what the ruins could teach and accepting help from those who offered, she had a feeling the world would be alright.

#queens fic #pillars prompts weekly #adela tecali

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johnbly · 6 years

Note

For the ask game thingy, I couldn’t decide between Harry Potter and X-Men?? 👀 .. and I’m wondering if this was posted way earlier in the day or night and I never refreshed the dashboard. *hides*

haha nope i just posted it within the hour so you’re good. i know what you mean tho whenever i get too deep in my dash i’m like. was this posted recently or a century ago?

what_are_birds_we_just_don’t_know.gif

anyways. i’m putting this under a read more bc it’s a long ask game to begin with and you gave me two for the price of one B) and ones that made me think too

hp:

the first character i ever fell in love with: i first read the books when i was in second grade which was. 2005ish. so i honestly don’t remember my first impressions but i’m going to guess maybe hermione bc we are somewhat alike but i wouldn’t swear to that

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: can’t think of anyone

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: i guess initially i liked harry/hermione more than ron/hermione but now i’ve backed off of that in a romantic sense

my ultimate favorite character™: tbh my relationship with hp is strange like i love the world and characters and fandom but i don’t really have Strong Feelings about characters? i always say hermione’s my favorite tho

prettiest character: tbh cedric or fleur? man why does goblet of fire have all the good ones. i mean cos!tom riddle. looks good. but i wouldn’t say pretty

my most hated character: umbridge is the wooorst

my OTP: ron/hermione?

my NOTP: there are some. interesting ships that i’ve seen out there. i’m not sure how many of them are serious but i’d say

favorite episode book: prob goblet of fire bc the tasks are fun

saddest death: honestly……i would say dobby or hedwig, but cedric’s death has hit me harder every time i read it or watch it so.

favorite season movie: chamber of secrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

least favorite season movie: order of the phoenix. how do you turn longest book into second shortest movie

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: the only characters that i strongly dislike are umbridge and voldemort and lockhart annoys me but i don’t think anyone loves them so idk

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: i don’t think anyone fits this .-.

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: everyone who died tbh. i’m thinking specifically of lupin rn i think bc like. wow. having to deal with being a werewolf for most of his life and then dying before meeting his son :)))

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: n/a

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: lupin/tonks maybe. there’s that one gifset on here of them in dh1 and the tags made me !!!

x-men:

the first character i ever fell in love with: i’m p sure it was erik

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: i don’t think i’ve disowned anyone

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: -shrug emoji-

my ultimate favorite character™: erik

prettiest character: tbh probably charles but only in xmfc

my most hated character: i would throw shaw off a cliff without hesitation

my OTP: scott/jean i guess? they were good in the original trilogy except for. you know. murder.

my NOTP: can’t think of any

favorite episode: n/a (but if we’re going favorite piece of content, xmfc. altho house of m was an interesting comic)

saddest death: i mean. erik’s mom dying was sad. also his kid in apocalypse but i don’t think about that movie

favorite season: see favorite episode above

least favorite season: xma was bad. i think. i remember almost nothing of it but i remember being mad about erik’s character. honestly the only movie i Actively Remember is xmfc. like the original trilogy wasn’t exciting but i don’t think it was stamping all over characterization and also by that point erik was Older and different whereas in xmdofp and xma the writers are just like [wiggly hands]

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: i wouldn’t say that i hate him but i’m not a wolverine fan

my ‘you’re piece of trash, but you’re still a fave’ fave: erik has a tendency to be trash

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: uhhh i mean erik deserves better both in canon and how people write him. but i guess if we’re being technical about cinnamon rolls then xmfc charles did not have a good time

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: n/a

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: uhhh from what i remember from the comics, kitty and colossus was cute? but stalking their wiki says it didn’t last long

#first of all thanks for the ask #not to play the tiny violin but since moving blogs i haven't gotten as many asks for the ask games so it's appreciated #i'm sorry that i wasn't able to give you good answers on a lot of them #i'm not much into shipping and also i'm mostly out of x-men rn and like i said i have a weird relationship with hp #narcissistickannibal #chilly answers

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anneapocalypse · 6 years

Text

On Carolina, Epsilon, and Mutual Isolation

@blaze-edge asked:

Okay, Anne, question abt your 'AIs always isolate their hosts' post. I've kind of been thinking abt it on and off since I read it, but was it Epsilon that really isolated Carolina from the Reds and Blues? I could totally be missing smth here bc my memory is bad but wasn't she the one that convinced him to go out and find the missing Freelancer tech? I know you said that Carolina didn't stop to get to know everybody until after Epsilon was gone but that was also after everything on Chorus was all wrapped up. No more mercs with Freelancer gear they shouldn’t have, no more Hargrove, no more civil war. Say, if after s10 they’d all actually gone back to Blood Gulch, do you think Carolina would’ve stayed isolated? Genuinely curious abt your thoughts here.

This is a good question and it’s going to be a complex answer, and a long one.

First, I feel like I can’t really answer this without addressing that elephant in the room, the authorial decision to leave Carolina out of the first half of the trilogy. I mean, I could but I’m not going to. Carolina’s isolation from the Reds and Blues during the first half of the Chorus trilogy can be discussed without addressing the decision to keep her offscreen almost entirely during that time, and I realize that they are two separate discussions; I just want to address both of them.

So, let’s get the Doylist side of things out of the way first. If you’re not here for that please feel free to just skip ahead to the Watsonian section, which will be loudly delineated for your convenience below!

Authorial Decisions and the Problem of the Epilogue

It’s entirely possible we wouldn’t be having this discussion at all if not for the season 10 epilogue. Watched in isolation, it’s incredibly obvious that the epilogue was written with no idea what season 11 would be about. The dialogue that leads into the epilogue suggests not that the Reds and Blues are stranded on a strange planet, but that they have gone home to Blood Gulch.

Carolina: What about your teams? What will happen to them?

Church: Well there’s still one place we haven’t visited. Somewhere we can make a home.

Carolina: Show me.

And when next we cut back Epsilon and Carolina, it’s the epilogue, now shot in Halo 4, in which Carolina and Epsilon are overlooking a vaguely Blood Gulchy looking canyon as the Reds and Blues run around below.

Carolina: Seems like they’re getting settled.

Church: Yup.

Carolina: So I guess everything is finally getting back to normal.

Church: What passes for normal around here, sure. What can I tell ya? We’re home. I mean, they’re home.

So anyway, this didn’t happen.

There’s no plausible continuity in which this conversation actually takes place on Chorus after a devastating ship crash in which the Reds and Blues are the only survivors out of thousands, on a planet they know nothing about. The above dialogue has been retconned to the point that there is no way to reconcile it with the canon that followed. This scene was clearly supposed to indicate that the Reds and Blues had returned to Blood Gulch, and Carolina and Epsilon were about to leave on a new mission of their own, knowing that the Reds and Blues were home and safe.

It’s not a question of “Is this action in-character,” it’s a matter of “Outside of its intended context, a context that no longer exists, this dialogue straight up does not make any sense.” I am that obnoxious person who will go to just about any lengths to reconcile continuity for the purposes of my own writing, and I am saying here and now: as of season 12 canon, the above conversation did not happen. Like we’re past Recovery One and into season 9 trailer levels of did not happen.

So to answer one of your questions from an out-of-universe perspective: Yes, if the Reds and Blues had actually returned to Blood Gulch, Carolina and Epsilon would still have left--because that was the original intent. The Reds and Blues were going to be back in Blood Gulch, and Carolina and Epsilon were going to leave.

In spite of retconning all the content of that conversation that established the obviously-intended setting, tone, and context of that epilogue, the decision was made to keep the point of Epsilon and Carolina taking off and leaving the Reds and Blues without saying goodbye. (Without saying a word, and yet somehow Wash and everyone else seem to be aware they just ran off on their own, instead of being worried they might be, you know, in trouble, or dead.)

And thus we have a season and a half where Carolina and Epsilon are not only shoved offscreen and denied further character development, but the one piece of characterization we can draw from their actions paints them both in what is almost certainly a much worse light than that epilogue originally intended.

When they do return--well, we’ll get to that, but I think it bears remembering that Carolina on Chorus is so detached from the Reds and Blues onscreen that we have discussion spanning years in this fandom over which team she is actually on, because while blocking fairly clearly aligns her with Blue Team (yes, even on Chorus), she has so few meaningful interactions with other members of Blue Team that in the minds of a lot of viewers, she might as well not be there. And it’s no coincidence that Carolina’s season 13 subplot is almost entirely isolated from the rest of the main cast, and has very little to do with Chorus directly.

And by the time we get to season 13 and Miles starts consciously trying to give Carolina character development, he’s dropping things that, while Feels™-inducing, have not been properly planted throughout the trilogy. Carolina thinking of the Reds and Blues as family is planted very hastily in the beginning of season 13. Her physical gesture of comfort toward Kimball strongly suggests familiarity between them, yet this has not been set up at all, as they have barely shared screentime or even spoken one on one. And because these elements have not been properly planted, their payoffs are confusing, and become difficult to interpret in-universe, which we’ll get to in a minute.

Even Carolina fighting side-by-side with Wash in “Great Destroyers” comes very much out of the blue, when there has been almost zero interaction between them for most of the three seasons. And this, I think, highlights the greatest narrative tragedy for these characters, which is that neither Epsilon nor Carolina ever get any real resolution with Wash. There is no conversation about their histories, no sharing of their pain, no acknowledgment of the ways they have been hurt and hurt one another. Wash and Epsilon never discuss what happened between them in Freelancer, to the point that we, the viewers, still don’t really know--and Epsilon dies without the show ever giving them that closure. We don’t get to see Wash’s initial reaction to Carolina being alive, and so we don’t really know how he feels about it at the time. We see them fight together with near-seamless cohesion at the end of 13, but their relationship lacks a kind of emotional continuity that can only come from letting them acknowledge their shared history directly.

So all of that is why we are where are. From an in-universe perspective, then, what can we take from this mess?

ALL ABOARD THE WATSONIAN TRAIN, PLEASE MIND THE GAP.

Here’s what this post is actually about:

Carolina and Epsilon’s relationship during season 10 and the Chorus trilogy, and how, while they are positive forces in one another’s lives in some ways, they also keep one another isolated.

I say “keep one another isolated.” Two critical points here:

It goes both ways.

They’re both already isolated when they meet.

To expand on point 2, by the time Carolina meets Epsilon, she has been isolated for a long time. She watched her team fall apart around her in Freelancer, was betrayed and attacked by multiple teammates, was left for dead by her own father, and spent several years in hiding before resurfacing to find closure. Carolina’s relationship with Epsilon by no means creates her isolation. What it does is prolong it, by delaying the formation and reconciliation of other meaningful relationships in her life.

Equally important is Epsilon’s own isolation, though it’s a bit more subtle. @epsilontucker pointed out once that Epsilon coming to identify as “Church” following his reactivation by Caboose didn’t just happen--it was a process. Epsilon’s struggle is that he both is and is not Church. He takes on the Church identity as bestowed upon him by Caboose. He accepts Caboose’s stories as if they were his own memories (which creates its own problems, notably passing on Caboose’s dislike of Tucker and causing significant friction between Tucker and Epsilon). But he is not Alpha. Nor does he have Alpha’s attachment to the rest of the Reds and Blues, not right away. Epsilon spends most of season 8 figuring out his own identity and pursuing his own goals--most notably, recreating Tex from his memories--and as recently as the end of season 8, Epsilon says of the others, “You know, they’re not really my friends.” His time in the memory unit, while surrounded by facsimiles of the Reds and Blues, is devoting to resolving his relationship with Tex. And when the Reds and Blues pull him out of the memory unit, he’s not terribly pleased. He only really makes an effort to connect with the others in 10 out of a mistrust of Carolina and Wash, and that connection, as we will discuss, is tenuous.

I want to make it clear here that I don’t believe either of them at any point do anything deliberately to hurt one another. Epsilon loves Carolina. In fact I think he loves her as dearly as he has ever loved anyone--yes, including Tex. And I think Carolina cares deeply for him too. Relationships can have unhealthy elements without warranting that a-word. This is not an abusive relationship; I wouldn’t even go so far as to call it a toxic one necessarily, though it might have toxic elements at times.

I would characterize it as an intense and insular relationship, of the sort in which two people may both mirror and intensify some of each other’s bad habits--and in their case, these habits have an isolating effect on both of them. I’ll stress again that I think the effect in their case (and probably in the case of other human-AI partnerships too, but that’s another post) is reflexive. It’s not just one of them doing it to the other, consciously or otherwise; it’s the effect of their partnership on both of them.

It’s true that a lot happens on Chorus, and all the characters are kept busy. But that doesn’t prevent, for example, Wash from having significant moments with Caboose and Tucker, or the Reds having moments with one another. Carolina and Epsilon’s isolation is somewhat unique to them. And it begins long before Chorus.

Present-Day Season 10

Carolina and Epsilon first connect mid-season 10, when Epsilon, concerned about her plans for the Reds and Blues, covertly follows her to the site of York’s death in hopes of learning more. His plan backfires when he reveals himself accidentally and incurs Carolina’s very justified anger for invading her privacy at a deeply personal moment. But by sharing York’s salvaged logs, Epsilon is able to get Carolina to open up.

This encounter changes both of them. Carolina decides that Epsilon can be trusted, and starts making him her first point of contact. While her relationship with Wash is already rocky, this certainly uh, exacerbates it.

Once Epsilon gets close to Carolina, he discards the connection he’d begun to build with the Reds and Blues almost immediately. He starts riding around in Carolina’s armor and withholding information from the others just as she does. Far from bridging the gulf between Carolina and the Reds and Blues, Epsilon exacerbates the situation by simply jumping over to her side, becoming impatient with the others for not blindly following along. This culminates in the disastrous attempt at a mission briefing in the holochamber, where Carolina resorts to threats of violence to maintain control of the situation, and Epsilon viciously lashes out at the Reds and Blues, alienating everyone, even Caboose.

In this scene we see both Carolina and Epsilon react to a situation that brings up past trauma for both of them. The Reds and Blues rejecting her authority is reminiscent of Carolina’s old Freelancer team fragmenting, losing cohesion, becoming insubordinate, and in a few cases outright betraying her. His companions walking away from something so important to him clearly brings up something painful for Epsilon too, evident especially in the way he lashes out at Wash.

I do want to note a difference in how they react: Carolina threatens, but she’s straightforward. Epsilon fights dirty. When he’s angry at his friends, he dredges up whatever he can think of to hurt them, and I think this is again, a side effect of the fact that he both is and is not Church. He has the knowledge of their history, but doesn’t yet have the affection that comes with time and familiarity, and that can be a very ugly combination. Though Carolina is stunned to see Wash turn on her, it isn’t Carolina who drags up painful history to hurt him back. It’s Epsilon. Though we’re missing a lot of context for what exactly happened, we know that his removal from Wash wasn’t Wash’s choice, and so there’s a sense of something distinctly unfair about what he says.

“So that's it, you're just gonna turn your back on us? No, no, you're right. You know, I guess I should've seen that one coming. It's not exactly like you're new to the concept, is it?”

Carolina and Epsilon’s past traumas resurface in this scene, and they both react very badly, and hurt the people they care about and who care about them. This is the paradox, perhaps, of this kind of intense and insular relationship. Carolina and Epsilon find that they relate to each other deeply, as they uncover the shared pain of their histories with Project Freelancer and how those histories intersect. And in a very real sense, they do need each other--Epsilon needs a friend he chooses for himself rather than one attempting to mold him into the perfect best friend they want him to be. Carolina needs someone who will go to bat for her even when she is far from being her best self.

But neither of them, at this point, are healed enough or self-aware enough to recognize the harm they are doing others. Rather than balancing each other, they amplify each other’s pain and also each other’s displacement of that pain. They’re both Churches. They share some of the same bad habits. Like shutting people out emotionally, and like lashing out at people close to them when they’re hurt.

And so they lash out at their companions, including the one person in the best position to understand and sympathize with both of them, the one person who has been supporting both of them even when they’re hurting him, who does not object until he feels he has no other choice: Wash.

Wash understands what both Epsilon and Carolina have been through in a way the Reds and Blues simply cannot. Whatever he went through with Epsilon, we can only imagine it was deeply traumatic for both of them. Whatever his emotions about Carolina being alive after he thought she was dead for so long, it’s enough that it drives him to want to help her, right up until he simply can’t go along anymore, and we shouldn’t discount what it probably costs him to stand up to her. Wash needs resolution with both of them, desperately. But neither of them will allow that resolution to happen, because in clinging so close to each other, they shut everyone else out, including Wash.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. The Reds and Blues show up after all, and help Carolina and Epsilon make it to the Director. It’s made clear, though, that they’re doing this for Church, not for Carolina. It’s Caboose’s sadness over losing his best friend all over again that prompts Tucker’s change of heart, and then one by one the others follow. Even Wash, it’s pretty clear, goes along not for Carolina or for Church, but for the Reds and Blues. After all, they gave him a second chance, and if they’ve decided to make this their fight, then he’ll be at their side.

And though no one says it to her directly, Carolina surely knows this. She knows they didn’t come for her.

In some ways, Wash was lucky. The worst things he did were worse than what Carolina did--Wash, after all, actually pulled the trigger. Twice. But what he did was witnessed only by the Reds and Doc. And it’s Caboose who forcibly adopts Wash into Blue Team--Caboose who knows nothing of what Wash has done, and simply longs for a surrogate best friend. He puts Wash in Church’s armor and calls him Church. Who Wash is and what he’s done is basically incidental.

But everyone gets to see Carolina at her worst, and so she doesn’t get the kind of forceful adoption Wash does. And season 10 ends, not with Carolina having become one of the Reds and Blues, but with Carolina and Epsilon standing alone--and then deciding to leave.

I start from season 10 because I want to make the point that Carolina and Epsilon are not isolated on Chorus because they leave at the end of season 10. They leave because they are already isolated--because neither of them feel like they belong.

It’s true that it’s Carolina who suggests hunting down stolen Freelancer tech. However, I think what Epsilon says before she ever makes that suggestion is equally important. Even though practically speaking this conversation has been mostly retconned out of existence, it’s still worth paying attention to because it shows where both Carolina and Church are emotionally following season 10.

“What can I tell you,” Church says. “We're home. I mean, they're home.”

Even the blocking of the shot reinforces this sentiment. Carolina and Epsilon are standing alone at the cliff’s edge, watching the Reds and Blues from a distance, commenting on how things are getting back to normal for them. And however we might reinterpret or overwrite this dialogue to make it fit with Chorus canon, one thing is clear: neither Carolina nor Epsilon believe that this is their home, that they belong.

With Carolina, it’s easy to see why: she has not been a friend to them and she knows that even in the end they did not come for her. Epsilon is bit more complicated. Why, after his friends risked so much to come back for him, twice, does he decide to leave them? I think Epsilon, at this point, still feels that his position on Blue Team has been usurped by Wash. And after the way he treated his friends, I think he still feels a certain amount of shame. He’s not sure he belongs.

And so the two of them hang back. Neither of them so much as speak to any of the others after the confrontation with the Director. We hear them thank each other for what they’ve come through together, but not the others. They have a conversation in which they reinforce each other’s sense of not belonging, of being unwanted by anyone but each other. And then they leave, and don’t say goodbye--almost as if they don’t really believe they’ll be missed.

Which, as we later learn, is not true.

But I think the ways things end in season 10 leaves both Carolina and Epsilon feeling like they only really have each other. And this begins a pattern of them sticking to each other while keeping everyone else at a distance.

Season 12

We get a brief snippet of Carolina and Epsilon’s time wandering Chorus alone, and from these flashbacks we can gain a few insights about their relationship as well as how they’re doing individually. Epsilon’s bullet time sequence, in particular, tells us a lot. We learn that Carolina does not sleep well and has nightmares about Sigma--whose memory is still a part of Epsilon, with whom Carolina shares brainspace. We see Epsilon himself eager to brush off these difficulties, insisting to himself, “She’s fine, don’t worry about it.” We see that he can’t fully control the manifestations of his own fragments, as seen when he has to push away Omega. We see that he gets flustered by the many voices talking at once, even though they’re all him.

And we hear him say that he gets lonely sometimes.

Incidentally, there’s never any clear indication that Carolina knows Epsilon talks to his own fragments this way, or that she can hear him doing it. It’s also worth noting that she doesn’t actually take all of his advice in the ensuing fight (she vaults over the door and uses it as a weapon, rather than staying in cover behind it) but this might be just because they briefly lost connection.

All of this lays the groundwork for the cracks that will start to show in Carolina and Epsilon’s bond in season 13.

It is when Carolina and Epsilon return to the story, and to the Reds and Blues, that we see the continued effects of their prolonged isolation.

It’s clear they still do care about the Reds and Blues. The minute their intel leads them to believe their friends are in danger, Epsilon says, “We have to go back,” and Carolina doesn’t disagree. Yet as soon as they are reunited, Epsilon is calling Tucker a “whiny bitch” for being upset about being left alone and kidnapped by mercenaries.

Initially Carolina largely stays out of their bickering. Soon after they all reunite, she runs off with Epsilon to study the new weapons, rebuffing offers of help. She barely says anything in season 12 that isn’t tactical. The rest of Blue Team’s beef seems to be with Church, and Carolina largely seems to agree, not speaking up to take sides, and no one directs their anger toward her even though she left them just as much as Epsilon did. No one seems to have any feelings about Carolina, positive or negative; emotionally, it’s almost like she’s not even there.

But this is where we come back to Epsilon’s staggering lack of empathy toward his supposed friends. His behavior toward Tucker in particular is shitty in a way that Tucker absolutely does not deserve. The data transfer disaster at Crash Site Alpha brings the tension between Tucker and Epsilon to a head, when Tucker aborts the transfer early out of fear for all of their lives, and Epsilon explodes at him--insisting he knew that they only needed a few more seconds, even though a minute before, he said he didn’t know how long it would take.

(Tangent: Tucker’s comment about how Church couldn’t find the zoom on the sniper rifle could only be about Alpha, therefore Tucker is still trying to apply what he knows about Alpha to Epsilon, and he hasn’t fully grasped the fact that Epsilon has different capabilities than Alpha because Epsilon actually knows he’s an AI.)

It’s not just that Epsilon doesn’t know what Tucker’s been through while he and Carolina have been gone. It’s that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t ask. He doesn’t try to understand, and when Tucker tries to explain, Epsilon insults and belittles him. Once again, Epsilon consistently hits below the belt when he’s angry, lashing out at people who care about him using whatever he knows will hurt them. And as soon as he realizes his behavior is making things uncomfortable with the whole group, he declares that “shit’s getting weird” and runs off with Carolina to avoid dealing with it. Even Carolina sounds exhausted when she announces they’re going to check the perimeter.

Tucker is then guilt-tripped by Caboose into apologizing for basically nothing, because Caboose always takes Church’s side (and the codependent nature of Caboose’s relationships with his best friends could be an essay in itself).

This is the first time (and the only time in season 12) that we see Carolina bring up Epsilon’s behavior. She doesn’t quite call him out, but she does express incredulity that Epsilon never actually apologizes to Tucker, despite his own conscience (in the form of Theta) telling him he should. Epsilon deflects this super hard with the whole “We’re dudes” thing, which Tucker then goes along with. Playing his refusal to apologize as a sign of masculinity is, intentionally or not, really manipulative and really effective against Tucker who is struggling hard with his own insecurities in season 12.

It’s really no surprise that Tucker has already started leaning on Wash as an emotional support as soon as they’re reunited--despite the tension between Tucker and Wash back at the crash site, and despite how he has missed Church. Tucker misses Church right up until he remembers what the present Church is actually like.

Which brings us back to Wash, whose distance from both Carolina and Epsilon is perhaps the most glaring of any character. Of course there’s no guarantee that he would have a real conversation with either of them even if they weren’t joined at the brain--he is, after all, not great at “emotional stuff.” But it certainly makes it more difficult.

When Carolina chastises Wash for accepting Freckles from Locus, Epsilon joins in, neither of them quite understanding what Freckles means to Caboose, and what getting him back for Caboose meant to Wash. There’s no question that Carolina and Epsilon care about Caboose; we see this in the way Carolina (and presumably Epsilon since he runs her armor mods) springs into action on a wounded leg to save Caboose from a pirate. It’s not a lack of caring. But there’s a disconnect there all the same.

In episode 17, Carolina and Epsilon lay out three options for their next step with both armies converging on the capital for a final fight to the death. It’s Wash who comes up with the fourth option of putting the Reds and Blues on the ship home while he and Carolina stay behind, an option Epsilon and Carolina hadn’t yet heard, suggesting the three of them didn’t discuss these plans all together.

Carolina and Wash seem to have no problem working together, and Wash doesn’t even particularly seem to avoid Epsilon (note how he follows Carolina off to patrol the perimeter after Epsilon’s outburst in 12.16, knowing full well Epsilon is with her). They just don’t talk. And we see firsthand with Tucker just how impossible it is for anyone to talk to either Carolina or Epsilon privately.

There’s an additional significance to the option Wash presents, in that it very likely represents a worst-case scenario for everyone. While we can’t know for sure, this option seems incredibly likely to get everyone killed--the Reds and Blues by walking straight into a trap, the Freelancers and Epsilon by simply being outnumbered and outgunned. I think there’s a really important message we can take from the fact that they consider that option, and reject it. “Never split the party” is an adventure game truism for a reason. The first half of the Chorus trilogy involves the party being split into multiple pieces and while we get some great character development out of that for the Reds and Blues, ultimately the goal is to get everyone back together because together they are the strongest. This is an important theme, and comes up even more prominently in season 13.

The cooperation between Tucker and Epsilon to entrap Felix at the end of 12 is a high point, and shows that, however incomplete their reconciliation might have been, their teamwork is vital to their success. It’s the first time Epsilon rides with anyone other than Carolina since season 10. And I think it’s worth noting that it was Tucker who reached out to smooth things over, not Epsilon--and if Tucker hadn’t done it, it probably wouldn’t have happened at all.

Still, season 12 closes with Epsilon and Carolina celebrating their victory alone, down at Kimball’s thinking spot and away from the others, for no apparent reason.

It’s clear that Carolina has developed some positive feelings toward the Reds and Blues, but it’s also clear she’s still holding them at a distance--that she still doesn’t really believe herself to be one of them. As for Epsilon, he really seems to consider her his team, even more than the Blues. Both of them seem to believe, genuinely, that they mostly work better on their own.

It isn’t inherently a bad thing that they’re close. But it also make it very easy for them to emotionally shut everyone else out--after all, they always have each other. They are literally in each other’s heads. Carolina struggles to open up as it is--why should she make the effort to express her feelings to anyone else, when Epsilon already knows what she’s thinking? And Epsilon seems to feel the same, remaining so closed off in his conversation with Tucker that even Carolina notices.

But even if they do only open up to each other, is that really a problem? Well… yeah. For both of them, and for the rest of their team. Epsilon’s friction with Tucker has real consequences. Perhaps if he and Carolina were actually communicating to the others what the two of them pass back and forth automatically in their shared brainspace, Tucker wouldn’t have panicked and aborted the data transfer early. What they’ve missed and what they do not share creates a rift between them and the rest of the team, and that affects how they all work together.

We see even more why it’s a problem in season 13.

Season 13

Early in 13 we finally do see Carolina forming some connections with the Reds and Blues--not just running missions, but laughing and joking with them. (It’s also worth noting that this is the first time since the reunion that we see them form squads for missions not based on their Red and Blue teams; Carolina’s out working with Sarge and Tucker.)

This scene shows us that Carolina is getting more comfortable with the group but still has a long way to go--particularly evident when her attempt at a joke goes over like a lead balloon. All this time since season 10 and she hasn’t actually been around the Reds and Blues long enough at a stretch to have picked up on the fact that “bow chicka bow wow” is Tucker’s personal catchphrase. Her sense of humor and desire to be playful is emerging, but she hasn’t worked out all the social dynamics of this group yet.

We can see right from the beginning of this season that something is eating at Carolina. That she’s still pushing herself hard in training might not be particularly noteworthy, but there’s more than just her usual perfectionism behind it. In season 12, she doesn’t really let on just how rattled she is by Felix getting the jump on her; it’s in 13 that we start to see that it’s still really bothering her. She sounds uneasy when Wash talks about them taking care of the mercs, and at the portal she’s eager for a rematch even with a construct of Felix. She needs to find her confidence again.

It’s Carolina’s experience inside the portal that highlights just why she’s so rattled. Separated even from Epsilon and forced to watch all of her friends new and old die, Carolina is forced to face her greatest fear, and face it alone. It’s not just a fear of failure. It’s a fear of letting everyone down, losing everyone she loves.

That fear closes Carolina off. From everyone, including Epsilon. When pressed about what she saw, she responds with her primary defense mechanism, anger. Though she and Epsilon share a certain amount of brainspace, it’s clear they don’t share everything, because it’s not until much later that Carolina tells him what she saw.

Epsilon is able to keep things from her, too--despite everything we, the audience, learned about him from his bullet time sequence in 12, Carolina herself does not seem to realize Epsilon is having processing issues until late in 13.

And it’s these things, the things they have kept both from each other and from everyone else, that cause problems for Carolina and Epsilon at a critical point. The intense, insular partnership that has allowed them to shut everyone else out has also allowed both of them to avoid introspection--to avoid being honest even with themselves and with each other. The portal fractures Carolina’s already shaken confidence, and it takes only a few strategic words for Sharkface to seed doubt in her mind. While she and Epsilon argue over strategy, it’s Dr. Grey who comes up with the plan that saves them.

This tension culminates in the disastrous confrontation with Sharkface on the mountain, when Carolina takes his bait and leaves her team behind. I want to recall their season 12 dynamic here--both in the flashback episode and directly following the fight with Felix. In both cases, Carolina and Epsilon both blame each other for what goes wrong. There’s a playful, teasing element to that, of course. But we can hear a similar tone in their smug banter after Carolina knocks Sharkface down the first time, when Epsilon chides her for stroking her ego and Carolina retorts, “Oh please, like you’re one to talk.” Neither of them are particularly wrong there, either. But they’re both so busy ribbing each other that neither of them notice Sharkface rising out of the snow--and he gets the jump on both of them.

And as the tide of the battle turns, Carolina panics. I don’t think there’s any other way to interpret her calling for all of her armor mods at once--especially since some of them, like the adaptive camo, don’t really do her any good in this situation. She overestimates Epsilon’s raw processing power, and yes, she absolutely pushes him too hard. Certainly no harder than she pushes herself. But being made out of numbers means Epsilon can’t push through the pain of an injury and deal with the consequences later. When his memory space is gone, it’s just gone.

And thus their teamwork breaks down, Epsilon fails at a critical moment, and Carolina falls off a cliff.

This, a near-death experience, is what it takes to get them to share their deepest struggles even with each other.

To Carolina’s credit, she’s the one who pushes for a serious talk, and even then, she has to pry it out of Epsilon. He puts up one hell of an effort to avoid the subject and deflect with humor, something Carolina has never appreciated at tense moments. (You see the same thing with York during the Freelancer seasons.) There’s something heartbreaking about how difficult they both find it to open up like this, because when you come down to it, what’s holding them both back is the very same thing.

They’re scared. That’s what it comes down to for both of them, just fear. They won’t be able to protect the people they care about at the critical moments. They’ll fail. Everyone they love will die, and it will be their fault. Carolina still can’t let herself be emotionally vulnerable in front of the Reds and Blues or even Wash, yet she is so terrified of losing them that instead of standing with them and fighting alongside them, she throws herself at danger like a human shield.

Carolina’s always been a doer and not a talker. There’s not a lot of setup for her calling the Reds and Blues family. But from another angle, we might say it’s been there in her actions, in her almost reckless protectiveness of them. The only way she knows, perhaps, to show that she cares.

And Epsilon’s not so different. But his terror, I think, is of losing her. Carolina isn’t really anything like the Meta, nor did Epsilon really know much about either the Meta or Maine. But underneath that comparison is simply his fear of losing her--of being unable to keep up, unable to protect her. And this fear makes a lot of things about Epsilon fall into place--his defensiveness, his fudging numbers, his pushing his friends away--even the abandonment issues we hear in his outburst at Wash all the way back in season 10. Epsilon was created by loss. It is woven into the very fabric of who he is. He can’t lose Carolina too, and he can’t admit how scared he is of exactly that--not even to himself.

This scene is, without a doubt, a huge step forward for both of them. It’s a harsh wake-up call, a sign of how much growing they both still have to do.

And it doesn’t fix things all at once, either. Here’s a hot take: Carolina’s entire second fight with Sharkface is tactically unnecessary. Hear me out. When Sharkface finds her in the city, Carolina is flanked by Wash and Kimball. It’s true they’re in a hurry. But if we look at what happens in the very next episode, we get a perfect demonstration of the fact that Kimball and Wash could take down Sharkface on the spot with a few seconds of concentrated rifle fire. He’s well within range. Instead, Carolina deliberately sends them off, choosing to confront Sharkface alone.

I think the real reason for this is less a need to defeat him on her own, and more a desire to apologize and offer mercy. But this also suggests that she doesn’t think Wash will go along with that. A chance to confront their past together could be really powerful for Wash and Carolina, especially if they could agree to try and end it without killing him. After all, both of them fought Sharkface and his grudge is ostensibly against both of them. But Carolina still believes she has to face him alone.

So Carolina and Wash don’t get to share that moment, don’t get to face their past together, and ultimately Sharkface doesn’t accept her mercy and dies anyway.

There’s something really sad about that.

The ride out of Armonia to escape the nuclear blast serves as sort of a do-over for their stalemate at the portal site. It demands a moment of seamless teamwork from Carolina and Epsilon, in order to save themselves and their friends. They succeed, but not without cost, as Epsilon crashes after performing the maneuver.

In a way, this scene also validates Carolina’s feelings as expressed earlier--they cannot afford not to push themselves, not with so much at stake. Just as Carolina saved Caboose without hesitation even at the cost of reopening her leg wound, Epsilon helps her use the bubble shield to save all of them, even though it pushes him past his own limits. It’s complex moment, one that validates their worst fears, but also their capabilities. And of course, it foreshadows the ending to come.

“Great Destroyers” is a turning point. At long last, Carolina and Wash fight side by side, and their teamwork is near seamless. Though we haven’t seen them talk, or demonstrate much emotional vulnerability to each other, there’s a deep sense of camaraderie and trust in the way they move together as a team, proving themselves a match for the mercenaries. It’s significant, I think, that Carolina doesn’t rely too heavily on her armor enhancements during this fight--though Epsilon is with her, his presence is understated, taking a backseat to her connection with Wash.

It’s a powerful demonstration of the value of teamwork and trust over high-tech equipment, one of the major recurring themes of Red vs. Blue.

Following the destruction of the Purge Temple, Carolina sends Epsilon with the Reds and Blues to the Communication Tower. It’s the last time she ever sees him.

It matters that Epsilon’s sacrifice is not to save Carolina, but to save the Reds and Blues. I think if push came to shove he absolutely would have done the same for Carolina alone, and that’s not in itself a bad thing. But Epsilon, like every iteration of Church, has a tendency to hyperfixate on one person. Like I said above, his greatest fear isn’t losing everyone. It’s losing Carolina. And probably his greatest flaw throughout his arc, in season 10 and in the trilogy, is the way he treats his friends, especially Tucker. That’s why his ultimate resolution comes not from saving Carolina, but from saving Tucker and the rest of his friends--while trusting Carolina to be okay on her own.

The victory at the end of season 13 comes not from Epsilon and Carolina working alone, but from both of them connecting with their other teammates--Carolina with Wash, Epsilon with Tucker. They win not by working as an isolated pair, but by working with their team. That victory comes at great cost, as all their victories do. But it is still a victory.

Conclusions

Overall I think the biggest thing to be taken from from Carolina and Epsilon’s whole arc is that as strong as their bond is, shutting everyone else out actually weakens it, and weakens both of them in turn. They are at their best when they don’t isolate themselves, but form and maintain connections with their whole team.

Season 13 sees both Epsilon and Carolina confront their worst fear, one they share: failing to protect the people they love. And so it’s important that the season closes with both of them overcoming their fear, and successfully protecting the Reds and Blues. But it’s also important that their biggest obstacle in doing so--both facing their fears, and protecting their friends--has been the way they have allowed their relationship to isolate them from their friends in the first place.

Epsilon finds his resolution in sacrifice. Carolina’s isolation does not yet fully resolve in the Chorus trilogy--which is okay, because her story isn’t over. It took us until season 15 to really see Carolina acting like family with the Reds and Blues, and to see her share a moment of emotional closeness with Wash. But she does get there.

Her relationship with Epsilon is important, and no doubt has affected her profoundly. But it’s not the only important relationship in her life, and shutting everyone else out has limited her growth. Taken as a whole, I think Carolina’s emotional journal from season 10 to season 15 shows us that her healing cannot be complete without her opening herself up to genuine connection with others as well.

#agent carolina #epsilon church #red vs blue #avian dentistry #blaze edge

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thatbrontide · 3 years

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1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? Gene Wilder, Sam Cooke, Etta James, Sarah Silverman. All of my great-grandparents and my grandfather I never met.

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I would probably love it. I would want Kristin Wiig’s career or to be a famous dancer of some sort.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? All the time. I have severe social anxiety.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? Just being around people who joke around well and getting good exercise, dancing to soul music. I love a strenuous workout. I would say being with someone I’m in love with, if that were available to me.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I sing nearly every day. I sang to my grandmother before she died. I think I sang Walkin’ After Midnight, or maybe Damn Shame by Jolie Holland, then remembered that she didn’t like country music and that these were sad songs, so I started doing sounding, when you stay in one syllable Enya-esquely. She seemed to like it. She was non-verbal with her eyes usually closed by that time, and raised her eyebrows and leaned into the sound.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would want to develop mentally past 30, since at 30, you have a lot to learn. So, body.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? No, but most people in my family die around 90 with dementia. I likely will get some kind of cancer, and almost certainly with get dementia if I live past 75. For some reason, I feel I may die in my sleep or in a freak accident, but not particularly strongly.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. I don’t have a partner, but I dated someone who was so funny that they made me funnier and who loved to dance, someone who was as kind and kinky as I was with the same taste in the arts, and someone who was tied to land in a way that I respected. The latter was also intuitive, which I also am.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? Humor, kindness, and music.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? My parents should have taught us to work hard and face fear, and spoken to us about our/their emotions. They also should have gotten divorced and recognized opportunities and potential rather than acted as though we didn’t have any. I wish my mom had stood up for herself and my dad had gone to therapy. I wish I’d been raised in a city that supported creativity and had options for the kind of success that doesn’t exist in the Midwest.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. ughuguughgughgughgugh

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? I would want to write the way I used to and to have an immaculate memory.

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Whether I will fall in love again, I suppose. Maybe what I’m supposed to be doing with my life.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I was raised around a can’t-do attitude. High potential and low self-esteem... You have to pretend, but I’m exhausted by pretending. Which is a cop-out; I should allow myself to exhaust necessarily.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Wisdom? I’ve never had a big accomplishment I was truly proud of, honestly. I’ve enjoyed transcending plateaus when learning drum set. I’ve liked that I treat people well even when people treat me poorly. Getting to a place at which I take things personally much less often has been good. I’ve done things I didn’t think I could do, just to do them. I’ve loved very hard, and very well. I was, at least at one time, really funny, which is important. I gained emotional maturity and a certain type of deep confidence that some people don’t die with, in high school. I cut shitty people out of my life when it was difficult. I culled parts of my personality when I wanted to.

16. What do you value most in a friendship? kindness and humor

17. What is your most treasured memory? being in love with my first boyfriend, and the memory of my incredible friend Bud, who has passed away.

18. What is your most terrible memory? My second-to-most-terrible memory, I suppose, is of being stalked/put in danger intentionally by my ex-boyfriend. I don’t like to talk about the most terrible thing. Or my parents just not being what I needed. They’re very different types of memories.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? I would transcribe my journals and try to get them published, lol. And travel.

20. What does friendship mean to you? This is a difficult question, I’ve found. As a kid, I didn’t understand why people were friends with each other. I was liked and always had friends, but didn’t understand why people spent time together. I felt I needed it explained to me. I also didn’t know I had the power to hurt others, so I’d stop hanging out with people when they stopped inviting me, which hurt them.

By 13, I was suicidal and thought I was doing people a favor by not being around them. So... as an adult, I’ve had to redefine friendship, or define it for the first time, perhaps. I think it means that you try to find respite in each other. You compliment each other in a world that is mean. You’re there if you’re needed. You have boundaries that are respected. You have fun, or at least share something that makes the friendship worth your time. I think it’s simple.

But sometimes, I hear people talk about how they have friends who are their platonic soulmates. I have had one friend whom I adore. I think he’s perfect and such a great person. But I have what’s maybe a weird relationship to feeling a certain way about people. If I think you’re awesome, I often will feel the need to leave you alone to live your life, unless I’m romantically in love. I have fallen in love with a different friend, but I didn’t find that I could be just his friend.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? In the pandemic, they’re missing. I have one friend I cuddle with like every few months. I hung out with a coworker yesterday and we shook hands at one point, and I joked that it was the most physical touch I’d experienced in months. I find affection verbally lately. Texting to see how someone is doing, complimenting them. Lack of touch makes me feel creepy. It makes me understand incels. Not defend them, but understand.

I’ve had intense, incredible love in my life for years. I’ve felt love more deeply than, I’ve learned, many people do. I had sex much better than, it seems, most people ever do, regularly for nearly ten years. That this was all before age 26 has set me up for disappointment. I’ve been trying to recalibrate to the reality of both pandemic isolation and of just being a single adult. I don’t know how to be casual. Everything has to feel intense and meaningful because that’s how sex and dating started out for me, but I have ot accept that that’s not what’s going to happen, likely.

I made out with a Tinder date during the pandemic, and I could not get myself to fuck him. I was so... I guess protective of myself. I’ve been so stressed and insular that I’m different. I used to be flirtatious and sexually confident. I don’t care for how I’ve changed, but I was single and new to town when lockdown started. There’s only so much I can do. I require sex pretty much every day. I love to cuddle. To be deprived like this is painful, but I try to channel it into other things.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. NA

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Before adolescence, I was happy. I laughed all the time, but was extremely socially anxious. I was obsessed with gender bc it felt violent and inescapable, and had a social confusion that’s akin to ASD or BPD. I became suicidal when I was 12 or 13, tried to kill myself at 17. But as a teen, I played drums, fell deeply in love, had these wonderful, hilarious, brilliant friends. Hating myself and wanting to die was mostly environmental. Suicidal ideation is all about wanting life to change but feeling powerless to implement the change.

The warmth in my family is perhaps not obvious, but I know exactly where it is. Every single person in my family, other than my racist aunt who made my mom’s brother into a racist curmudgeon, is the nicest person. They’d die of embarrassment for hurting your feelings. They live all day from the warmth of what seems to me to be a pure, inherent respect for others. But they would probably appear cold to you due to their quietude and timidity, which are often mistaken for aloofness or narcissism. My family deals in invisibilization of themselves, I tend to think, and thus of each other.

My mom is warm in that she compliments freely. “You look gorgeous! That dress is to die for! Mark’s a very sweet man.” She’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, and humor is warmth if you ask me. Both of my parents are generous, my mom codependently. They both lack boundaries. I’ve always lacked emotional trust for my parents. As far as I’ve been able to tell, they mean well. We ate dinner in separate rooms. I felt like I had to pull teeth to eke out happiness for my parents. I felt triumphant when I made my dad laugh. I tried to teach my mom to be more confident, which never worked. That is cold, to be a kid who feels the need to parent those who are supposed to parent them. It’s hard to feel close to adults you don’t trust. I feel like I was provided for and taught manners and traditions, but not exactly raised.

My parents divorced when I was 28. I have no memory of them getting along. I barely remember them constantly bickering/avoiding each other. They slept in separate rooms. My mom never gets sick, but the one time I recall her having the flu, I was maybe 12 and it was bedtime. I thought, “I’m going to have to take care of her tomorrow.” Next day, I watched my dad bring her soup and a warm washcloth for her forehead. I was shocked.

My dad would say "sweet dreams” every night, which was his way of saying he loved us. His brother, whom I adore, and my aunt would tell me they loved me, and I always felt that they did so specifically bc they knew my dad would never. My dad’s concerned with appearances mostly, but I have memories of him, e.g., buying me a sweatshirt when I was cold or getting me VHSes to watch when I was sick. He’s distant as fuck, just wants us to marry Jews and make money and look pretty.

Both of my parents are unbelievably naive, and both unmistakably old-fashioned (while having socialist ideals); both traits aided in my distrust and didn’t jibe with my needs. So, you separate from those you feel don’t serve you, but you still need parenting, which develops an unhealthy relationship.

I haven’t spoken to my dad in about 5 years. I limit contact with my mom. My brother has a life that I feel I have nothing to do with, which is fine. We’re cordial.

But warmth is in moments. I was raised to respect the elderly. That’s warm. I was raised to respect Jewish tradition. That has warmth. Tikkun olam, Jewish humor, etc. My mom’s parents had a big Christmas party every year. They made us get in groups and pick a number in the 12 Days of Christmas song to sing together. But, since they’re all Dutch and Swedish and, from what I understand, from a bourgie tradition, it’s this type of fun that’s inhibited. Inhibition, is cold. But you focus on the effort. The food, the intention of getting together, the fact that I saw my great-uncles’ faces in my mom’s cousins’. I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know what warmth is? Maybe it confuses me. One side were traumatized, quiet Easter European Jews, and the other were stereotypically stoic Swedes and Dutch people. I think of another aunt, who married in and is Irish Catholic. She’s a sweetheart, but is also cold in a nunnish way.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? She’s difficult for me to be around bc she embodies powerlessness. She has a childlike joy to her, which I think she focuses on, but also sees herself as incapable. I’m positive that she has a genius IQ and could’ve been anything at all, but she drinks, smokes, and watches TV most of the time. When I was maybe 22, I took her horseback riding. She’d won horseback competitions growing up. I thought maybe it would inspire her to live life rather than sit watching bad TV. It didn’t work, but being around her makes me feel as powerless as she feels.

It feels dangerous to interact with her. I can’t be brought down to feel as though I’m nothing every time I hang out with someone. She’s also said awful things to me that have me question whether she intentionally has made feel badly about myself so that I’ll “need” her. Which... How dare any parent do that. How dare any parent be either that cruel or that ignorant. I have a lot of rage toward her and stay in touch out of guilt. I interact with her, hoping she’ll be different this time. It’s never going to happen. That’s why I stopped talking to my dad; I finally accepted him.

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “ NA

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “ respect for each other?

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. NA

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. NA

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. One of my most embarrassing moments was when I was sucking someone’s dick outside and was “caught” by my landlord/boss/friend at the exact time he came through that part of the yard every night. For some reason, I was certain that it was hours later than it was. I thought that he must have thought that I’d done it on purpose, and I was mortified.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I cried in front of my friend Matt a few months ago bc of the stress of the pandemic and things I’d been through in the last few years. He was so sweet about it. I cry often, mostly while watching movies or videos.

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. NA

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Nothing is too serious to be joked about, but there are people who shouldn’t tell certain jokes/jokes in certain ways. Read the room and know your place.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? Well, I wish I’d told my friend I was in love with him before he died. Maybe I didn’t tell him bc I’m terrified of things going well. Other than that, I don’t think I have anything to tell anyone. Maybe I want people to “know me” through some kind of art.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? Old journals bc I was good at writing.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? I really, really will have no idea until it happens. Probably on of my parents because what is death for someone whose life they refused to, or felt they could not, make good? What promises did they break toward themselves, and am I doomed to break the same ones?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. NA

#gernil #deardiary #dear diary

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whywouldiconfess · 4 years

Note

Why do you think that is?

hmm that’s a tough question and I really can’t say for sure, especially bc i’m super biased bc I love them so much haha. But I guess I have a few guesses at maybe why:

- timing/ loss of momentum: One guess I have is basically just logistics. After Heartthrob came out, there was a lot of buzz about them and they were riding a lot of momentum. Then LY2D got released almost 4 years later which isn’t that long, but I think some of that Buzz had died down. They also led the album off with Boyfriend, which was just never going to be the same level of radio hit as Closer was. So I think LY2D due to timing and single selection didn’t really capitalize on the momentum from HT. Which is really unfortunate because overall I think it’s a stronger record.

- genre: Another guess I have is that overall the more “mainstream” sounding pop they make/made is ironically not as popular right now with who would be their core audience (queer women). In the past few years Indie/Alt/vibey pop has kind of blown up again. As heartbreaking and frustrating as it is, I believe that an album like Sainthood would probably do better these days with streaming. I strongly believe that in almost everything they do, they are way ahead of their time which unfortunately means that culture is usually catching up to them by the time they’re onto something new.

- promotion: Another factor is almost definitely the fact that they are criminally under-promoted. Heartthrob got a massive release and push from their record, with high quality music videos, promotional material, appearances, etc. which they honestly haven’t had before or since. Like this album honestly has a lot of potential of more mainstream success but there was essentially no promotion for it which ??? Again, frustrating.

Idk that’s all I could really come up with. I truly truly think a return to alt/indie would serve them well, because there thankfully seems to be a return to relevance of that type of music but also because I believe that’s where they talent shines through the most. But honestly I can’t explain why they haven’t been as supported, laterally, as some of the other “queer pop stars” of today. I don’t get it. I kind of feel like hijly is going to end up as kind of a blip unfortunately bc of the timing, which sucks bc I do genuinely love it. But I’m hopeful about the new music they’re working on!! Let’s hope they get the recognition and love that they deserve.

#sorry for the ramble #i have so many thoughts lmao #i didn't even really fit everything in idk

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ashenworth · 4 years

Text

OKAY hear me out. I had the sudden urge to finish my Twilight s/i’s story. I couldnt just leave it unfinished it was eating away at me. so here it is, The whole ass backstory i wrote for my Twilight s/i. im so sorry if mobile doesnt show the read more, bc its fucking LONG

words: 10 560

Ashley Hale (formerly Ashley Davidson)

Born: Sept 15, 1942

Turned: 1962

From: Edmonton, AB, Canada.

Born near the end of the second World War and raised in Edmonton, Ashley (but she prefers “Ash”) lived a relatively normal life until the age of 20. Her father, who was deemed unfit for service, worked as a bank teller. Her mother a nurse, before becoming pregnant.

One night, in July of 1962, she and her family were taking a road trip to visit some relatives outside of the city. Rain was pouring down, but they were only about 10 minutes from the nearest rest stop. Her father, not wanting to spend any more time in the rain than needed, decides to speed up a little in the hopes of arriving sooner. Nobody would have thought that it would be an issue, as the roads had been empty for most of the trip so far, but that would prove to be wrong. With all the rain, he failed to notice the deer that had just stepped onto the road until slightly too late. He swerves and successfully avoids the animal, but the wet ground fought against them and caused them to tumble into a ditch.

When Ash regained consciousness, the car was beat up and laying on its side, having flipped a few times over. Weakly, she manages to pull herself out of the busted window, adding even more cuts and bruises to her frail body. As she falls to the ground, head spinning and vision blurring, she glances inside the car to see her parents, completely still and covered in blood. Before she can make any sense of it, she passes out from blood loss.

Her vision slips in and out, creating a slideshow of the events to follow. A few shots of nothing. Click. Two pairs of feet near the car. Click. One pair is now closer, wearing combat boots. Click. The other pair, sneakers. Click. Both pairs, now next to her. Click. Long, curly black hair and set of golden eyes. Click. Then, black.

Pain

Searing and unrelenting pain. It floods her body in a wave, and is so powerful that she can’t think. Writhing and screaming for what feels like hours. Is there no end? Please, it hurts.

It hurts.

Please, it hurts so much.

Please.

How long has it been? It feels like weeks. Months even. It doesn’t stop. Why hasn’t she died yet?

Wait.

It’s subsiding. Is she dying? Is it finally over?

The pain lessens. Only a touch, but enough for some relief. Then, ever so slowly, it lessens more and more. When it’s finally over, she lies there. Unconscious, but peaceful.

She has a dream. It’s blurry, but, she sees a couple. A man with pale skin and bright blonde hair. His arm is around a woman. Same pale skin, with brown, almost red hair. They’re smiling warmly at her. Her head turns. There she sees four other people. All with the same pale skin. She feels happy to see them. One of them, a dirty blonde haired man, steps towards her and holds out his hand.

She wakes up. As her eyes adjust to her surroundings, she starts to panic. She’s in a log cabin that is completely unfamiliar to her. She sits up. Before she can survey any more of the room, she has another dream. This time, while shes awake.

The same scene as before, but shifted in perspective. Her hand is outstretched. She’s seeing through the dirty blonde’s eyes. In front of her is a short haired woman. She’s mesmerizing. As this short haired woman looks into her eyes, she feels warm. Like these people are family. The short haired woman smiles, and takes hold of the hand in front of her.

She comes back to reality, to the unfamiliar scene she found herself in. Her mind is racing. What is happening? Why did I see that? Who are they? Where am I? Shouldn’t I be dead? Before she can calm down, the door opens.

The black haired woman she saw at the scene of the car crash slowly comes in, but freezes when she sees Ash awake. Quickly, she shuts the door, and footsteps can be heard walking away. She comes back with a cup in her hands, and holds it in front of Ash’s face

“Please, drink this.”

“What’s going on? Who are you?”

“Before I answer any questions, I need you to drink this. You’re thirsty, right?”

Ash almost didn’t notice with all the chaos, but her throat is burning. She can smell the drink so strongly that it’s almost like it’s calling to her. She takes the cup and starts to drink as fast as she can without even looking at it first. Her thirst subsides enough to calm down a little.

“There, is that better?”

“Yeah, it helps.”

“My name is Helen. My partner, Jo, and I found you in that car wreck.”

“I… don’t really remember much of it.”

“And you probably won’t. Your life… it’s going to be very different from now on. You were dying. Holding on by a thread with the little strength you had. We saved you. Jo was against it, but, I couldn’t just let you suffer there…” Helen trails off. She looks down and remembers something. “Oh! Right, let me get you a change of clothing! I promise, when Jo comes back, we will explain everything.” Helen gets up and leaves the room.

Ash looks down. Her clothing is torn and covered in dried blood. Right. I guess she didn’t really get a chance to change. Helen returns with some clothing in her hands.

“Here you are! They might be a little big but that’s nothing a little alterations can’t fix!” She hands Ash the clothing and starts to walk out of the room. “Oh, by the way…” Helen looks at her feet, a little sheepish. “We never managed to find out your name.”

“Oh! Uh, Ash.”

Helen nods. “Ash. That’s a beautiful name. When you’re done, please, come on out.” She smiles, and leaves the room.

Ash’s thoughts keep racing through her head as she changes. I’m alive. I was saved. But, there’s so much I still need to know. The burning in her throat intensifies again. That drink she had earlier still lingering on her tongue.

Before she can leave the room, Ash hears muffled voices through the door. Curious, she places her ear to the door. It’s hard to make out fully, but she can hear some of what is being said.

Helen: “...woke up…”

???: “....thought…..wake up...tomorrow….”

Helen: “Go….hello”

Ash hears footsteps coming towards the door, and she backs away quickly. Helen knocks

“May I come in?”

“Oh! Yes, it’s fine!”

Helen opens the door and her eyes light up when she sees Ash.

“Oh, those clothes fit you well! I’m glad.” She shuffles to the side of the door to let someone else in. A tall, stocky woman enters the room. Red curly hair comes down just past her shoulders, and she’s wearing what seems to be hiking gear.

“Ash, this is Jo. My partner.” Helen introduces the two of you, a slightly nervous look on her face. The tall woman, who you now know is Jo, has a blank expression.

“Hey, uh, sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up. We weren’t expecting you to come back to us so soon.” Jo mutters.

“That’s alright. I’m still not really sure what’s going on anyway…” Ash trails off, sensing a little but of tension in the air. Jo shoots Helen a look.

“Jo, she just woke up. I wasn’t sure how to handle it on my own.” Helen admits, head turning towards the floor. “Why don’t you come out into the dining room, Ash? We can explain everything there.” The pair walk out of the room, hand in hand.

She follows suit, walking into the main area of the cabin. It’s a lot larger than she expected when you compare it to the size of the room they were just in. Ash takes some time to take in the sights. From the paintings on the walls to the decorations all around the room. Slowly, she makes her way into the dining area, where there’s a table big enough to fit 10 or so people.

“Please, have a seat. I’ll get you some more food.” Helen walks to the kitchen while Jo sits at a chair. Ash isn’t quite sure where to sit, so she takes a spot just diagonal of Jo as to not make things weirder.

“How you feelin, kid?” Jo’s raspy voice cuts the silence like a hot knife, startling Ash slightly.

“Uh, not awful, I guess. My throat is killing me. I have this..very strong craving. I don’t exactly know what I need though…” Jo sighs.

“Yeah, I remember that feelin’. Don’t worry, it’ll be a bit more clear soon.”

Helen comes back with a pitcher and a few glasses on a tray, one glass already full and ready to be served.

“Here, Ash, drink this. It will help with that burning in your throat.” She encourages. Ash ignores the irresistible smell coming from the cup for a very short amount of time to examine the liquid. It's crimson in colour and thick. Without a second thought, she downs the whole glass.

“God, that's good.” She groans, wiping her mouth with her sleeve.

“Huh...I’ve never seen a newborn with that much restraint.” Jo somewhat mumbles to herself.

“Yeah, they’re usually so...feral.” Helen murmurs, a puzzled look on her face as she gets lost in thought. The two give each other a quick look as they continue to think aloud.

“I guess she’s just different. It’s not like we’ve seen every newborn in the world.” Jo quips.

“You’re right. Hell, we haven’t even seen a gift with our own eyes. Just talk.” Helen replies.

“Um...I’m sorry to interrupt…” Ash quietly speaks up. The two turn their heads to her, looking like they forgot she was even in the room. “What’s going on? What do you mean by ‘newborn’? Like, a baby? And why can’t I stop thinking about...” She trails off before finishing her sentence, not wanting to say it out loud.

“It’s okay, Ash. It’s going to be alright.” Helen tries her best to comfort the younger girl. “Uh, this might sound really weird but-”

“Yer a bloodsucker.” Jo cuts Helen off.

“JO! What the fuck!”

“She deserves the truth and she deserves it straight.” Jo leans back in her chair, crossing her arms.

“Wh-what? Do you mean like...Dracula? Like, old legends and myths?” Ash’s brain is running a million miles a second, jumping from question to question and the overwhelming craving she has. “Is...that what I want so desperately right now? Is it blood?” Her heart would be pounding if it was even moving at all.

“Yes. Jo and I are vampires as well. That craving is going to stay for a while. When things get settles down, we were going to take you hunting.” Helen says, being careful to choose her words.

“Hunting? For...humans?”

“Oh, Lord, no! Jo and I only hunt animals. There are plenty here in Northern Alberta. We don’t touch humans”

“If you show that kind of restraint out there like you did in here, you shouldn’t have too much of a problem when it comes to feeding. Not many people up here, anyhow.” Jo reassures. Ash stays silent as she tries to sort out her own thoughts and process this new information.

The room stays silent for a minute or so, before Helen cuts through it.

“I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry for making you this way.” She puts her head down in remorse. “We smelled all the blood from the car crash. When we got there, the two in the car, who we assumed were your parents, were already dead. You were just lying there in the grass, hanging on within an inch of your life. I felt that you deserved a second chance. It was all my idea. I was the one to change you and I swear I will help you through this.” She says through gritted teeth, determined to finish what she started. Ash stares at her for a few seconds.

“Thank you. For giving me a chance. I’m still so confused, but I feel like I’m going to be okay now.” She smiles warmly at Helen. Helen smiles back, perking up at Ash’s words.

“Okay then, how’s about we try some hunting?” Jo remarks, standing up from the table. Helen and Ash follow suit. As Ash stands, another vision comes to her.

It’s the same set of people, but in a slightly different scenario, They’re all sitting together in one big living space, talking and laughing. The scene pans over and she sees the same beautiful woman from before. The woman looks at her and smiles warmly. Ash is filled with a strong feeling of love from looking at her.

The vision fades and Ash comes back to the real world to find Jo and Helen staring at her.

“Sweetheart, what just happened? Did you see something?” Helen asks, walking over to the dazed girl and placing a hand on her back. “Please, tell me.”

Ash explains the visions that she has seen in great detail, even down to the colours of insignificant background pieces of furniture. Helen thinks on it before speaking.

“I think you may have a gift, Ash.” She says, smiling brightly to the girl.

“A gift?”

“Yes. Some of us have what we call ‘gifts’. I’ve heard of things like mind reading, future seeing, or, the ability to inflict pain without touching a person. Not everyone has a gift, so, you’re a bit special in that way.” Helen starts walking over to Jo.

“So, what gift do I have?” Ash questions.

“Well, we’re not completely sure. It could be future seeing. We would have to do a little bit of testing before we can figure it out.” Helen stretches out her hand. “For now, let’s go do some hunting, okay? You look parched.”

Ash takes it, and they walk out the door and into the dark of night.

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The year was 1920 when Mary Alice Brandon (aged 19) was changed. She lost her memories, but her visions of the future were only intensified. Her first vision after changing was of herself and another vampire. She and this male vampire were close, holding each other and whispering into each other’s ears. She saw this, and could see that they were in love.

Her second was of herself and this man together, surrounded by a beautiful family. They were all talking together. She knew that she belonged with them..

Her last vision was vague. It was of herself, running through a forest. When she stops, she looks around. Then keeps running. She stops again, and looks around once more. Before she can take off, she comes face to face with a woman. Her dark red hair catches the eye of Mary Alice as it moves with the wind. They lock eyes for a moment, in shock.

And it ends. She wants so desperately to see more, but nothing happens when she tries. She decides to set off in search of those she saw in her visions.

Some time passes. She changes her name to just “Alice” and her search for the man from her visions finally comes to an end in 1948. He finally shows up at the empty diner they were fated to meet in and Alice is elated to finally see this mystery man, who she learns is named Jasper, in person. They bond and become closer than they could imagine, however, they both can tell that they aren’t meant to fall in love. They decide to stick together and brace this world with a newfound companionship.

Two years later, they find the family from Alice’s vision. The Cullens, they were called. Carlisle was the oldest. A doctor with incredible restraint and a calming aura. His wife, Esme, who was gorgeous and caring. Edward, a somewhat closed off boy with the gift to read minds. Rosalie, a hardened woman who was given a second chance she didn’t want. Lastly, Emmett. A burly manly-man who is head over heels for Rosalie. They accepted Alice and Jasper into their home and into their hearts quickly, which meant the search was over.

Alice spent the next few decades with the last of her visions in the back of her mind. She didn’t have any follow up to this mysterious girl and where she would be able to find her, so she would just sit and wait for another vision, like she had done so in the past.

Then, one day, she finally got one.

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The year is 1967, 5 years after Ash Davidson turned. Her newborn years have come and gone and she’s come to terms with her new life.

With nowhere else to go, she still stays with nomads Jo and Helen, the women who replaced her parents after the change. They taught her how to hunt, and they answered every question Ash had about this new form.

“Do we burn if we go in the sun?”

“Nope, myth. But, our skin takes on a glittering effect that would give us away to any human who sees us, so be careful.”

“Are we invisible in mirrors?”

“Nope. You could have just checked that one yourself.”

“Do we need to be invited to be able to enter someone’s house?”

“Nah, that’s all folklore.”

And so on. Every question they could answer, they did, as they guided this young vampire through her new life. Now, they’re helping her train her gift.

“Okay, now, I want you to stay here in the house. Jo and I will leave and you’ll hear a loud noise. That’s your signal to start. You got that, Ash?” Helen, the black haired woman, is standing outside of the door to the log cabin that has become home with Jo, ready to start training for the day.

“I got it. Listen for the noise and start.” Ash gives her a thumbs up and watches as the two of them disappear into the woods. After a few seconds, a loud crack can be heard from the direction they headed, and Ash takes that as her cue.

Ash closes her eyes and focuses on Jo. She searches for her in the woods, winding through the trees and bushes until she finds her.

Ash opens her eyes and finds herself in the woods, leaning against a tree. She looks to her left and sees a small tree trunk cracked in half. In her hands, she’s got a piece of wood and a knife and is whittling something. When she looks up, she sees Helen, who seems to be speaking gibberish.

“Wolf. Hairbrush. Scalpel. Orange. Baseball. Zebra.” Helen is repeating this set of words in this exact order, with her fingers making numbers to match. Wolf is three, hairbrush is five, scalpel is ten, orange is two, baseball is one and zebra is ten again. Helen repeats this pattern a total of 5 times.

“Okay, I think we should be good.” Helen says, as she turns around and heads back in the direction of the cabin.

Ash blinks and she’s back to where she was, standing in the living room of her home. She waits for a few minutes before she hears the other two return and open the front door.

“So?’ Jo says, as she walks towards Ash, holding a knife and a piece of wood in her hands. “Whatcha got?”

Ash repeats the six words and their numbered counterparts exactly as she saw them back to Jo and Helen. Helen beams

“Oh, sweetheart, that was perfect! You did so good! You were faster than ever, too!” Helen wraps her arms around Ash in an embrace.

“Yeah, good job, kid.” Jo mumbles, staring down at her project. Ash closes her eyes again and looks through Jo’s for only a second before coming back.

“Jo, I know you’re happy, too. No need to hide it anymore.” Ash puts on a sly grin as Jo shoots her a glare, and mumbles something to herself about “that damn kid and her gift”.

For the years to come, Ash would train her gift to the point to where she didn’t have to search for the person she wanted to find, she could just focus on them and see what they do. She tried endlessly to see any of the people from her first activation, but to no avail. She wouldn’t get anything until a little over a decade later, in 1979. The same year that Alice Cullen finally had her second vision of the dark red haired woman.

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It’s been 29 years since Alice and Jasper joined the Cullen family, 31 years since they met and 59 years since Alice turned and had her very first visions of the future as a vampire. 59 long years that she waited for something to turn up about the woman she saw in her visions. Alice knew that this woman would mean something to her. She just wanted to know more.

When the vision came, she stopped dead. She was out hunting with Jasper, Edward, and Esme. Along with them was Tanya from the Denali coven, another vegetarian group that the Cullens have been staying with for quite some time now.

Edward, who had become accustomed to when Alice had a particularly important vision, clued in instantly and was watching with her.

She saw herself following the dark red haired girl through the woods and up to a cabin. She took in the sights and noted the cabin as the girl led her inside. Alice sees two other women, both vegetarian vampires.

The vision ends and Alice can barely stand. Finally, a clue. A big one, at that.

“Alice, that was the girl, wasn’t it?” Edward asks, knowing all about Alice’s search from her own thoughts. Alice nods lightly, and Esme drops to her side.

“Girl? What girl?” Tanya questions. Jasper cuts in.

“When Alice turned, she had three visions. One of myself, one of the Cullens, and one of another vampire girl. She’s been searching for this girl for almost 60 years with nothing to go on. This is the first time since then that she’s seen her.”

“This girl, is she friend or foe?” Tanya asks, nervous about the intentions of this stranger.

“We don’t know. We just know that she’s important to Alice.” Esme pipes up, her hand on Alice’s back, comforting her.

“I think I know where she is.” Alice says quietly. Edwards follows.

“That cabin, we saw it on our way up to Alaska, didn’t we?” Alice nods.

“I think so. Tanya, do you know of any other vegetarians nearby? The three I saw all had golden eyes like us.” Tanya shakes her head.

“Not that I know of, but, Carmen and Eleazar might. We separate when hunting and they may have come across some nomads before. I can ask when we get back.” Alice nods, then stands up.

“Okay, let’s get back to hunting. I’ll need to be at full energy if I’m going to look for her.”

“You mean we, right?” Jasper raises his eyebrow at her. Alice shakes her head.

“I’m sorry, but I think I need to do this alone. She might get scared if a cavalry shows up looking for her.”

“We can’t just let you go alone! We don’t know her intentions, or why she’s important to you.” Jasper raises his voice, his concern growing as the conversation continues.

“What if she’s important because she’s the one who kills you, Alice? We don’t know anything about her because you haven’t had any visions.” Edward chimes in.

“She won’t. I know it.” Alice says, getting more and more frustrated.

“No, you don’t! If you knew for sure, then I would know, too!” Edward yells.

“I can just feel it, okay? You have to trust me!” Alice yells back, getting into Edwards face.

Jasper puts himself between them and places one hand on each of their shoulders. Instantly, the tension dies down.

“Stop, you two. Alice, don’t you think it would be smarter if someone came along with you? They can just watch from a distance. She doesn’t even have to see them.” Jasper asks, hoping to convince her.

“Fine.” Alice caves, knowing fully well that they won’t give up on it. “But, they have to stay far enough back that she won’t know anyone’s there.”

“Then, I’ll do it.” Edward offers. “That way, I can hear what she’s thinking and step in if i need to.”

“You won’t need to…” Alice mumbles under her breath as everyone prepares to finish their hunting trip.

Edward says nothing when Alice’s thoughts are filled with protests to the idea. “Okay, let’s get going. I think there’s some deer to the north.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The day that would change Ash’s life forever. It started out normal. At sunrise, she sat outside and watched the sun come up through the trees. A tradition she started after a few years of staying with the two nomads who found her.

Then, using her power, she would check the perimeter to make sure no one was near the cabin by ‘expanding’ her senses to cover 100 metres all around the house, a skill that she developed while training.

When nothing was found, she went back into the house to do some cleaning. Dusting, vacuuming, etc. When she was finished with that, she would use her free time to do various other hobbies. Training her power, reading, or knitting. Those are what she was currently invested in.

Today, she decided to train for a bit. She wanted to try expanding her search radius from 100 metres to 200.

She goes back outside and sits down in the snow. Then, she closes her eyes and starts to expand her senses once again.

Within seconds, she hits the 100 mark. Slowly, from there, she pushes herself further. 101, 102, 103. It takes a few minutes but eventually, she hits 150. She opens her eyes and pulls back, happy with the results. She closes them again and goes a second time, hoping to speed up and to hit 200.

Although, this time, when she hits the 200 mark, she picks up on something.

When her vision returns, she running through the trees. On the surface, she’s calm and collected, but underneath, her emotions start running wild. Hopeful, but nervous. Excited, but worried.

Ash comes back to her own eyes and panics. Someone’s actually near the cabin for the first time since she’s turned and she has no clue what to do.

Thinking quickly, she closes her eyes once more and searches for more people. She gets a hit, someone who is a few metres behind the first person. All she can see through their eyes are the trees in front of them and the other blurry figure running through the forest. They’re extremely worried for the one they’re following.

She comes back after searching. Two other vampires, coming straight for the cabin. A situation she has never had to deal with until now.

She stands up. I have to take care of this on my own. Without alerting Jo and Helen, who are sitting blissfully unaware inside the cabin, she heads towards the unwanted guests.

Making sure to stay quiet, she slowly comes up to the place where she last saw them and hides behind a tree. Then, she enters the first person’s eyes. They’re standing in the middle of a clearing, looking around in circles for something.

“It was here, wasn’t it?” They say to themselves. It’s a female voice. Her emotions are still running wild, but this time, she’s more hopeful.

When this girl looks around, Ash notices that she’s not at all well hidden behind the tree she picked. As if on cue, the girl notices the same thing and slowly started to walk towards the tree.

Ash comes back to her own eyes. Her mind starts racing with all the options she has but as far as she can tell, none can end well. Taking matters into her own hands, she decides to confront them.

She quickly comes out from behind the tree, baring her teeth and ready to fight. And she sees it.

In front of her is a face she knows all too well. A face that she’s been searching for since she turned in 1962, 17 years ago. The face she knows as the ‘short haired woman’.

And she’s standing right in front of her.

Instantly, Ash notices the shocked expression on the short haired girl’s face.

“It’s you.” The woman says, unable to muster anything else.

“W-what?”

“I...I’ve been looking for you. For 60 years.”

“Si- you…” Ash sputters out, unable to stop the rapid thoughts going through her mind right now. Slowly, the girl gets closer and takes Ash’s hand into her own.

“I’m Alice.” She says, with a smile.

“I’m...I’m Ash. How...how did you find me?” Ash asks.

“My gift. When I turned, I saw you in a vision. I’m a future seer. I saw this place, that cabin, and you, just a few months ago. With the help of some friends, we were able to track you down.” Alice replies.

“You...you saw me? When you turned?”

“Yes. I knew somehow that you would be important to me. But, I couldn’t see you after that. I couldn’t see you no matter how hard I tried. Then, I finally did. And it brought me here.” Alice explains, her face beaming.

“I saw you when I turned, too. My gift allows me to see through someone else’s eyes, and to feel the emotions that they feel. I saw you, and a group of others. Then, I never found you again. I tried and tried but nothing happened.”

Alice brings her hand up to Ash’s face, caressing it lightly as tears form in her eyes, and smiles.

“We...saw each other? That means that our fates lead us together.” She says.

Ash nods, taking her own hands and placing them on top of Alice’s. Then, she remembers something.

“Wait. Someone was with you, right? Who was that? I can’t seem to find them anymore…”

“Oh! That was my brother, Edward. He was with me just in case out meeting didn’t go well. I think he backed off once he realized that things were okay.”

Ash closes her eyes and quickly checks on Jo and Helen to make sure they’re still okay. When it’s confirmed, she grabs Alice’s hand.

“Come with me. I want you to meet my family.” She says, as she pulls Alice behind her towards the cabin.

Periodically, Ash looks back at Alice. Sometimes, in disbelief that she’s even here. Sometimes, she just wants to keep looking at Alice’s face. She’s even more beautiful in person.

When they reach the cabin, Ash stops.

“Wait out here, okay? I want to explain the situation first.” She says. Alice nods in response.

Ash lets go of her hand and opens the door to the cabin.

“Jo? Helen? Where are you guys?” She calls out to the two nomads. She could easily find them with her gift, but the last time she tried that, she found them having sex. After that, she decided just to ask.

“We’re in the kitchen!” Helen calls out.

When Ash enters the kitchen, she sees the two of them sitting at the island, talking to each other.

“Oh, so you guys decided this room wasn’t getting enough attention?” She quips. Helen laughs.

“We just decided to switch it up for once.”

“Alright, so. I gotta talk to you two about something.” Ash says, her voice growing a but shaky.

“Hey, what’s up, kid?” Jo asks with a worried expression on her face.

“Okay, don’t get mad. I was training my power earlier. Y’know, trying to expand my search radius. When I managed to hit 200 metres, I, uh...I got a hit.”

Jo stands up.

“You WHAT?”

“Just calm down! Everything’s alright, I dealt with it myself.” Ash tries to reassure Jo, but fails.

“You dealt with it ALONE? We told you to tell us if you found something!” Jo yells. Helen stands up and grabs her arm.

“I know! But, I wanted to deal with this on my own. I figured that if things went south, I could yell loud enough for you to hear me.” Ash jumps back at the sound of Jo’s booming voice.

“What happened, Ash? Who were they?” Helen steps in.

“Well, that’s the funny part. Hold on a second.” Ash says, quickly running to the door and bringing Alice inside.

“You guys…” She says as she pulls the shorter girl behind her into the kitchen.

“This is Alice.”

Jo and Helen are silent as they stare at Alice, who smiles brightly back at them.

“Hello. I’m Alice Cullen of the Olympic coven. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Alice greets them and curtsies with a nonexistent dress.

Jo and Helen don’t respond. Instead, they eye her over from head to toe. Helen takes notice of her features and it clicks.

“Ash, is this…” Before Helen can finish her question, Ash nods.

“It’s her. Alice is the girl from my vision. She found me.” Ash smiles wide. Helen starts to tear up.

“Oh my gosh...it’s really her? You’ve been looking for her for so long…”

“Well, she’s been looking longer.” Ash retorts.

“60 years, to be exact.” Alice says.

“60 years? Oh wow. How did this all happen?” Helen asks. The two spend some time explaining the whole situation to Jo and Helen. How they both saw each other, about Alice’s vision, and the meeting. When they’re all caught up, Jo is smiling to herself while Helen is basically full on sobbing.

“You two...this must be fate pulling the two of you closer together.” Helen says through her tears.

“Nah, this is just some freaky bloodsucker coincidence.” Jo shoots back with a quip, smirking. Helen smacks her arm.

“Jo! Stop that.” Everyone laughs.

“Well, I think we should give these two some privacy. Ain’t that right, Helen?” Jo shoots Helen a look.

“Right! We’ll let you two talk alone. I think you both probably have things you want to talk about.” Helen and Jo get up and leave the room for their own.

“Come on, it’s getting dark. I want to go sit under the stars.” Ash grabs Alice’s hand once again and brings her back outside. Together, they find a spot in perfect view of the sunset and sit down in the snow.

They spend the whole night talking to each other. About their lives before and after turning, their gifts, their families. Any topic they could think of they had a conversation about. Through the whole night, they grow closer and closer. By the time the sun comes up, they both can tell that they’re meant to be together. Whether it’s love or friendship, it doesn’t matter. They’re supposed to be together. Right here and now.

As dawn breaks, they stop talking to admire the sunrise. Alice rests her head on Ash’s shoulder and grabs her hands in her own. Together they sit, peacefully in the glow of the morning sun.

In a window from the cabin, Helen can be seen watching the two of them huddling together.

“I think those two are mates.” She says to herself. Jo lets out a loud laugh.

“Ya think? Hel, the whole time that Alice would talk, the kid couldn’t take her damn eyes off of her.” Helen giggles in response.

“Yeah, you’re right. Alice did the same exact thing.”

“So did you when we met. Every time I’d look back, you would turn your head so damn quick but those curls gave you away.” Jo laughs to herself.

“Yeah, yeah. Not like yours did you any favours.” Helen snaps back. Together, they laugh as they reminisce about their pasts.

When day fully breaks, Alice suggests that Ash come up to Alaska to meet the Cullens, since Alice already got to meet her family. After a long talk, Jo and Helen caved and agreed. They lectured her for hours before they left.

“Remember, try not to let anyone see you in the sun.”

“And don’t go using your gift all willy-nilly, alright? Save it for when it’s needed.”

“And find some food before you go! You’re going to need your energy for the trip!”

After lots of “yeah” and “I know”, they set off. A few yards from the cabin, they meet up with Edward, who stayed just far enough to hear them just in case something went bad. I think this one’s the mind reader, right? I still remember his face. Ash thinks to herself. Edward chuckles.

“Yeah, this one’s the mind reader.”

Ash gasps and instinctively throws her hands over her mouth even though it wouldn’t help at all.

“It’s alright. I hear worse on a daily basis.” Edward laughs again. “So, what did you mean that you ‘still remember my face’?”

While on the road, Ash shares her story to Edward. She describes everyone she saw in her vision while Edward and Alice tell her who they are.

“So, the blonde man and the dark brown haired woman? I assume they’re a couple.”

“Yup, that’s Carlisle and Esme. Carlisle is the one who turned most of us.” Edward says.

“They’re basically our parents. At least, they are when we’re living normal lives” Alice chimes in.

“And the beautiful blonde woman with the burly man?”

“That’s Rosalie and Emmett. They’re mates as well.” Alice explains.

“Yeah, Rosalie can be a bit harsh so don’t take anything she says to heart. Emmett’s a manly guy. He’s the strongest out of all of us by far. Might want to fight you when you meet.” Edward warns.

“That leaves...the dirty blonde man. I’m guessing that’s Jasper.”

“Yeah! He’s the one I told you about. How we met after I turned.” Alice beams when talking about Jasper.

“Right! Your partner in crime.” Ash retorts.

Suddenly, Alice stops. She stares into nothing as she has a vision. Edward quickly watches along, looking concerned, but his face softens as he sees it as well. Ash, seeing the two of them, decided to try something. She closes her eyes and focuses on Alice’s. When she gets her bearings, she sees nothing but the forest that Alice is staring at.

She focuses a little harder. Slowly, a vague outline of something starts to show. A group of people. She can’t see their faces, just their outlines. Then, the vision ends.

Alice and Edward are smiling together while Ash adjusts back to her own eyes.

“What was that, Alice? I tried to see it too, but, I just got some blurry outlines.” Ash asks.

“Wait, you saw something? From my vision?”

“I think so. I saw maybe 7 or 8 people. I think they were people…” Ash trails off, trying to remember all that she saw. Alice’s eyes widen.

“Yes! I had a vision of us! Of you meeting my family! You can see my visions!” Alice yells excitedly and she clasps her hands onto Ash’s shoulders.

“Yeah, I guess I can…” Ash trails off, thinking of how she could start training this aspect of her gift.

“Wait a second. What is your gift again?” Edward asks, confused by the conversation.

“Oh! I guess I never fully explained it. I can see through someone else’s eyes. Let’s say you were looking at Alice while I was 100 feet away staring at a tree or something. I could put your vision into my mind and see Alice from your point of view. Does that make sense?” Ash rambles.

“Yeah, I think I get it. Actually, I’d like to try something. Alice, could you walk a few feet away from us and look in our direction? Make sure you can see the both of us.” Edward requests of her. Alice looks puzzled, but obliges.

“Okay, Ash, can you look through her eyes for a second?”

“Uh, yeah sure.” Ash replies, catching on to what Edward is trying to do. She closes her eyes and pops into Alice’s. She can see herself and Edward from between some trees.

“Alright, I got it.”

“Okay good. Now let me just-” Edward cuts himself off with a gasp.

“I can see what Alice sees. From your mind. I can see us.” He says, a hint of excitement in his voice. “This could be a good strategy for hunting.”

“Yeah, it could be.” Ash says, distracted by her own gift. While what she can see may be fairly boring, her ability to feel emotions is overwhelmed by Alice. Her heart is so full of love for the two that, for the first time, Ash can’t handle feeling two people’s emotions at the same time. Quickly, she cuts the connection and returns to her own body.

“Did-did you feel any of that?” She asks Edward, feeling physically strained from this exercise.

“Feel? I can only see, I can’t ‘feel’ anything when I read someone’s mind. What did you feel?”

“My gift lets me see someone else’s eyes while also feeling their emotions. The emotional response was too much, I had to stop.” Ash says, plopping to the ground to get her bearings. Alice sprints over to the two of them.

“What happened? Are you okay?” She asks, worry flooding her voice.

“I’m alright, I’m alright. I just wasn’t expecting such strong emotions from that.” Ash leans against a tree to relax for a minute. Alice’s face washes over with an embarrassed look.

“I’m sorry. I was just...so happy that you two were getting along…” Alice trails off, covering her face with her hands. Ash laughs.

“It’s alright. It’s not your fault. I’m just not trained enough to handle it yet.” Ash reassures Alice as she stands back up. “Okay, let’s get this show back on the road. I think it’s time for a meal.”

The three of them spend a day hunting for food in the woods. Edward and Ash decide to test out their new strategy by having Alice go ahead and send animals towards them while they wait to trap them. It works out well enough, but the constant use of her power drains Ash of all her energy.

“Sorry, I’m not used to using my power so much. I never really used it back with Jo and Helen.”

“You didn’t use it much? Most vampires use their powers as much as possible in the first 25 years. Then, they usually get bored of it.” Edward says.

“I just...never really had the chance to. It was just us three out there, so there wasn’t much to see really. The only time I ever really used it was when I was training.” Ash mumbles to herself.

“Surely, you must have encountered other vampires, right? You would have used it then.” Edward asks. Ash shakes her head.

“So far, you two are the only other vampires I’ve met other than Jo and Helen. You guys showing up at my cabin was the first time I ever had to try to defend us. Luckily, there didn’t have to be any fight, but…” She trails off.

“But, you still don’t know what to do in case someone malicious does show up.” Edward replies, having heard from her thoughts. Ash nods.

“Well then, we’ll have to teach you then.” Alice pipes up. “We’ve dealt with our fair share of nomads. Usually, you won’t have any problem with other vampires. Those who feed on humans may show up hoping to find some, but will leave if they realize there are none around. Others tend to think that you’re in their territory. That would be the only time you may have to fight someone.” Alice gives a lecture of the ins and outs of fighting other vampires. She lists off reasons another vampire may want to fight, different techniques, and how to thoroughly kill a vampire.

“Do you have any experience with fighting vampires?” Alice asks.

“Uh, Jo and Helen taught me some basics before the end of my time as a newborn, but, that’s about it.” Alice sighs. It’s like they never wanted her to leave the cabin…. Her eyes widen as she thinks of something.

“Wait, have you ever been around humans?”

“Oh, yeah! We have to go into town sometimes to pick things up. The first time was extremely hard on me, but Jo and Helen were there with me so it helped. After a while, I got used to it.” Alice puts her hand to her chin, wanting to ask another question but isn’t sure how to bring it up.

“Have you ever had human blood before?” Edward asks suddenly, startling Alice. After reading her mind, Edward decided it would be best to just outright ask.

“Yes. I had human blood on my first day as a newborn. I didn’t kill anyone for it. I didn’t turn anyone for it, either. Helen gave it to me in a cup. She’s close with the nearest town’s doctor and was able to convince him to give her a pint. After that, we hunted for the first time and they told me all about how animal blood won’t be as satisfying, but it does the job. Trust me, I’m not that secluded from the world. Jo and Helen know a lot and have taught me so much.”

Edward nods and takes a step back, satisfied with her answer, and gestures Alice to continue.

They spend the few days it takes to get to Alaska talking about how to defend yourself against other vampires, stopping every so often to practice together. It’s a long journey but, eventually, they arrive back at the Olympic-Denali coven household. As soon as the enter the door, they’re greeted by Esme, who comes over and brings both Edward and Alice into a big hug.

“Oh, I’m so glad you two are finally home. I’ve missed you guys.” She says, holding them tight.

“Esme, come on. We were only gone for like a week.” Edward says, embarrassed. Esme laughs.

“I know, I know. Everyone was just worried.” She says, as she loosens her grip. Then, she turns to look at Ash.

“Esme, this is Ash.” Edward introduces them. Esme shoots Alice a quick look, and Alice nods in response.

“Hi, It’s nice to meet you.” Ash says, holding out her hand. Instead, Esme pulls her into hug.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you. You’re like a local legend around here.” Esme laughs to herself. Ash giggles back.

“Well, it’s nice to finally put the rumours to rest.”

Then, the rest of the Cullens come bounding towards the door, all ready to greet their family members after the trip. They all huddle together to say their greetings.

“Welcome home, you two.” Says Carlisle, as he wraps an arm around Esme.

“Yeah, we thought you two mighta died out there.” Says Emmett, as he punches Edward in the arm.

“Well, we’re just glad you’re safe.” Says Jasper.

Carlisle turns to their guest. “So, I think we can all guess who this is.”

“Everyone, I’d like you to meet Ash. You may all know her as the infamous Red Haired Girl.” Alice says as she wraps an arm around Ash’s waist. Ash chuckles.

“Funny. In my house, you were Short Haired Girl.” She looks at Alice and smiles.

“So, Ash, this is-”

“Wait. I want to try this myself.” Ash cuts Alice off.

“Let’s see. This-” She points to Carlisle. “- is Carlisle. He’s got his arm around Esme. This-” She points again, this time at Emmett. “- is Emmett. Next to him is Rosalie. And way in the back must be Jasper.” She point once more to Jasper, who’s looking a bit disinterested. Everyone nods in response.

“Well, I see you’ve done your research.” Carlisle says.

“Well, I think Ash and I have a story to tell everyone. Could we move this into the living room?” Alice starts to usher everyone away from the front door and into the living room, where they share their story one more. They explain their visions and their meeting, and talk about what they did at the cabin. They all talk for hours. Soon, the conversation lands back on the ‘local legend’.

“I swear, she thought about you night and day. I would go weeks sometimes only hearing her thinking about finding you, or even just replaying that vision in her head over and over. It was like a broken record sometimes.” Everyone laughs along with Edward’s story as Alice holds her face in embarrassment.

“Well, Edward was the only one who actually knew what you looked like. The rest of us just had to take their words for it.” Rosalie comments. “Honestly, I sometimes thought maybe you weren’t even real.” She laughs to herself.

“Oh, Rosalie. Let’s be fair to Alice, she has been hoping to find her for 59 years.” Carlisle pipes up, placing a comforting hand on Alice’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I got the lucky side of this deal. I’ve only been hoping for 17.” Ash says, grabbing Alice’s hand and squeezing it, hoping to make her feel better.

“How did it happen, anyway?” Jasper cuts in from the other side of the room, silencing everyone.

“Jasper, you can’t just-” Edward’s about to tell Jasper off before Ash cuts it short.

“It’s fine. Do you mean ‘how did I die?’” Jasper nods.

“Well. I was in a car crash. In 1962. My parents and I were driving down country roads in the rain one night. Almost hit a deer. We swerved a little too much to avoid it and landed in a ditch. When Jo and Helen found me, my parents were already dead, but I was still hanging on. Just barely. They decided to give me a second chance.” Ash’s voice lowers as she recounts her past, still fresh in her mind.

“How old were you?” Jasper asks.

“Twenty. Just a few months shy of twenty one.”

“...Sorry.” Jasper puts his head down.

“It’s fine. I have to face it. It happened. Now, I can move on and live different lives.” Ash says, flashing a small smile at Jasper. Quickly, the conversation shifts to a different topic.

When the conversation picks back up and becomes lively once again, Ash gets an idea. She closes her eyes and connects to Jasper for only a second before opening them again. Just long enough to get a hit on his current emotions and to disguise as a blink. In that split second, she noticed a lot of different emotions, none of them positive. The only one she could identify was worry. It was the strongest out of the bunch, thus she picked up on it first.

Edward on the opposite side of the room as them notices the commotion in their thoughts and clues in.

Why does it seem like he’s been hounding me since I got here? What’s going on in that guys head?

Well that’s obvious. Edward thought to himself. He’s extremely protective of Alice.

Jasper’s thoughts, on the other hand, were a different story.

What the hell was that? What the fuck did I just feel? He shoots Ash a look. What gift does she have and why did she just use it on me?

Edward smirks to himself at this new information, and decides to stay silent.

“By the way, Ash, you said you saw a vision of Alice, right?” Jasper speaks up again. Ash turns to him and nods.

“Alice saw you because of her gift. I’m just wondering. What kind of gift do you have? It may seem strange, but, I thought I could feel it just now.” Jasper calls her out.

“Actually, my gift is the ability to see through someone else’s eyes. If you were in the other room, I could describe every inch of it without having ever set foot in it. All from your vision.” Ash replies, turning her body towards him.

“Is that what that was then, you were looking into my eyes?” Jasper accuses.

“Actually, Jasper, the reason I connected with you was to figure out what the hell you were feeling. I can pick up on your emotions as well and I’ll be honest, you’ve been giving me dirty looks all night and I just wanted to know what was going on.” Ash snaps back at him. Alice reaches her hand up and grabs Ash’s arms. A few moments pass without a word said in the room before Jasper stomps over to Ash and grabs her hand, pulling her out of the room. Alice stands up to protest but Edward stops her, reassuring that they’ll be fine.

Jasper pulls her into another room and slams the door shut. Then, he takes a second to calm himself down, which by proxy also calms Ash down.

“Listen. Alice has been looking for you since the day she turned almost 60 years ago. I’ve been with her almost since day one. I love her to death and I couldn’t imagine how she would feel after finally finding you. Forgive me for being skeptical, but, I can’t help but keep her best interest in mind.” Jasper explains to her while pacing the room.

“Jasper. I know. I know about how you and Alice were together before joining the Cullens. I know how close you are because she talked about you so much. I know how much you care about each other, so I can understand why you were worried. You have to remember. I’ve been looking for her, too. Maybe not as long, but I had those same feeling she did. The worry, the hope. Everything she felt, I did too. Not just her, but all of you. I saw all of you in my vision. Your feelings are completely justified because if I was on your side of this equation, I would be scared too.”

Jasper sighs. He walks over to Ash and grabs her hand into his.

“I know the love you two share. I know you’re not going to hurt her. From the moment you two walked in the door, I could feel the joy radiating off of the both of you. I just want Alice to be happy and safe. I know now that with you, she will be.” Jasper shows a small smile before letting go of her hands. Then, Ash puts one out for a handshake.

“Let’s start over. Hi, I’m Ash.”

Jasper chuckles and grasps the hand with his. “I’m Jasper. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

The two of them share a laugh. Ash closes her eyes and connects to Alice.

“We should get back. Alice is so worried, I think she might explode.” She says.

“Whoa.” Jasper clutches at his chest.

“Hey, you alright?” Ash asks as she cuts the tie with Alice. Jasper let’s go and stands up straight.

“I think...I think I felt what Alice was feeling. Through you.” He says. “Hey, try someone else.”

Ash obliges and connects to Esme. Her heart is also filled with worry, but it’s mixed together with the overwhelming love she has for her family.

“Whoa. Okay, that much love and worry in one place? That’s gotta be Esme.” Jasper says, taken aback by the force of her emotions.

“Yup. She’s got a lot of love packed inside of her.” Ash opens her eyes and cuts the connection. “So, uh, that’s pretty cool. Edward can see the visuals, you can feel the emotions.” Ash comments as she stares at nothing and gets lost in her own mind, thinking of ways that this information could benefit them. Jasper grins.

“This could be useful for fighting…” He trails off as does the same. They stand there in silence for a moment, lost in thought, before Jasper snaps out of it.

“Hey, we should get back out there. They’ll be worried.”

“Oh! Right.” Ash opens the door and steps out.

As they both turn the corner, Alice’s eyes lock on to the both of them, hoping to figure out what happened in there. The two of them laugh together before joining the rest of the group, and the weight lifts off of Alice’s chest as she sees them acting friendly. As Ash approaches, Alice grabs her arm.

“How did it go?” She asks quietly. Ash chuckles

“It went great. Things are fine now.” Ash smiles widely at Alice, hoping to reassure her. Alice sighs in relief and smiles back.

The hours pass as they all talk together, laughing and joking like they’ve known Ash for years. When night falls, people start to split off to do their own things, and eventually it’s down to just Carlisle and Esme together with Alice and Ash.

“So, I think it’s safe to say you two are mates, am I right?” Esme asks.

Alice and Ash share a look and nod to each other.

“Yeah, I think we are.” Alice replies.

“Then, where do you two go from here?” Carlisle cuts in, looking concerned. “It’s hard for mates to stay away from each other after they’ve found one another. Ash, you have a family in Canada, right?”

“Yes, I do.” Ash answers.

“Have you thought about what would happen in this situation?” He asks. Ash thinks for a moment.

“No, not really. At least, we didn’t talk about it…” She trails off.

“How about you, Alice?” Esme asks.

“No, I haven’t either. Because this is my family. I couldn’t ever imagine leaving you all.” Alice says with a confident look on her face, that then subsides when she realizes what’s at stake here. She looks down at Ash who is still lost in thought. “What about you?”

“I...I love Jo and Helen. They taught me everything about this new situation I’ve found myself in and raised me to become who I am right now. But...I hate myself for even saying this. I think I belong here. In the Olympic coven. When I saw you all in my vision, you felt like family to me. Then, I actually met you all, and it was like seeing an old friend for the first time in years. And, I didn’t want to let go of that. I still don’t.” Ash rants for a while, trying to make sense of her feelings as the words spill out of her mouth. After she finishes, Carlisle nods.

“I think I can speak for most of us when I say that we all felt the same way as well. I truly believe you belong here with us. But, there is no rush. It’s your choice.” Carlisle says as he stands up and grabs Esme’s hand, leading the two of them out of the room to let Ash and Alice talk.

Ash leans back in her chair and sighs loudly.

“You know, I can come live with you too.” Alice says, hoping to break some of the tension. Ash shakes her head.

“No. Alice, I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be here. I really do think I belong here with you. I’m just trying to figure out how to tell Jo and Helen.” Ash sighs again. Alice leans over and kisses her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it in the process. When Alice pulls away, she smiles.

“Just remember, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here now.”

Ash smiles widely and grabs Alice’s face, pulling her in for another kiss.

“We’ll come up with a plan.” Alice mumbles against Ash’s lips. She pulls away. “Remember, we still have a week to think about it.” Ash grins at Alice’s reassurance.

“Come on.” Alice says, standing up and grabbing Ash’s hand. “I still haven’t shown you my room.”

Ash smiles again as she’s pulled along by Alice up the stairs.

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The week goes by quicker than Ash thought it would, and if she had any doubts about her decision to stay with the Cullens, they were gone before she could make it back to her own place.

With a few hugs from the Cullens, Ash and Alice head out the door to return to Alberta for what may be the last time.

Time passes, and soon enough, they arrive at the little cabin in the woods. When they get to the door, Ash stops for a second to compose herself.

“You alright?” Alice asks, wrapping her arm around the other’s waist and pulling her close.

“Yeah, I think so. This might be the hardest conversation I’ve ever had to have.” Ash sighs, trying to muster up the courage to open up the door. After a few deep breaths, she puts her hand on the knob and twists.

“Guys! I’m ho-” Ash cuts herself off in surprise.

“Ash?” Alice walks in beside her.

On the floor next to the door are 4 suitcases, stacked up and open, revealing the contents inside. Clothes, trinkets, books, etc. All items that belong to Ash.

“What...the fuck?” Ash thinks aloud.

“Surprised ya, didn’t we?” Helen’s voice can be heard as she steps into the room with a smirk on her face, Jo trailing behind.

“What is all this?” Ash asks, unable to process what she sees in front of her.

“Sweetie, it’s your stuff. Pack and ready for the big move. Our little birdie is finally leaving the nest!” Helen turns to Jo as she says this last line and wipes away a fake tear from her eye.

“How...did you know?”

“Ash, it ain’t that hard to figure out. You and Alice are mates. You two would never want to be separated ever again after finding each other. And the way that you spoke about the Cullens in your vision made it all the more obvious to us. They’re your family.” Jo speaks up from the back.

“But, what about you guys? I mean, you basically raised me from my second birth. You’re both okay with this?”

“Well, of course we are! Ash, we love you. As they saying goes ‘If you love something, you gotta let it go.’ It’s time to let you go, sweetie. Besides, it’s not like you can’t come visit us!” Helen replies enthusiastically, with a giant grin on her face. Ash turn to Alice, a soft smile on her face.

“Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.” She laughs. Ash walks to Helen and Jo and gives them both a big hug. “Thank you. For everything.”

“Now, come on Ash, you’re not leaving yet! Stay for a while and we can all have a chat.” Jo waves them all into the kitchen where they sit at the island and talk for hours. When the sun starts to set, they know that time is now up.

Ash and Alice stand at the door, carrying Ash’s suitcases. They turn back to Jo and Helen, and give them a nod, before heading off towards their future, together with the Olympic coven.

#Ash Hale #there now my brain can shit the fuck up and maybe start working on other selfship shit without feeling guilty #also theres probably a million spelling errors. i dont give a Fuck im a dumb bitch #sn: your future #ashen writes #ashen.txt

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