#I had hoped to open this up

[hellspawnmotel]

“caroline, please kill me” by coma cinema

#i hope this is readable lol #deltarune #susie #noelle holiday #suselle #art tag #man i had a whole thing to type up here and now i forget most of it. ummm #basically ive been thinkin about suselle with the new info we got from the sweepstakes #specifically from noelle's perspective. because up until chapter 2 she wants susie but she doesnt KNOW susie #its an extremely shallow crush which is normal for teenagers but what makes it interesting to me is #how noelle sort of seems more attracted to the danger susie poses than susie herself #and she doesnt really make an attempt to get to know susie personally until ch 2? iirc? #and before that almost seems to hope that susie will treat her as badly as she treats kris #and you could argue whether its bc of noelle's psychological problems or if its just. yknow. a fantasy #either way my point is shes not really thinking about susies feelings. shes not trying to reform the bully or something #so consider this little lyric comic as taking place in noelle's fantasies pre-ch1 #BUT #all that said it doesnt mean noelle isnt open to getting to know susie. obviously #when she sees an opportunity noelle does reach out and not in a way where shes trying to provoke susie to hurt or threaten her #she gives susie a gift and invites her to study together. not to mention the whole ferris wheel thing #i actually think noelle didnt even consider that as an option until susie and kris became friends #and even after chapter 2 noelle doesnt really know susie all that well. and to her susie still exists mostly in the realm of fantasy #but its a start. and they have so much more room to grow and understand each other better #plus susie clearly already cares a lot about noelle #moral of the story is suselle is more compelling than just 'shy girl plus mean girl' #and i like it #good night

[0ddbugs]

I can imagine that it's overwhelming. She tried to make it better but ended up making her grief(guilt) worse. Shen wanted to have children with Yoshi but never got the chance and that's why she loves her boys so much. They are the only family she has; and would probably want to extend that out to any child in need of a family. She will definitely "adopt" plenty of kids in Redline.

@tmntaucompetition

#tmntredline #tmnt redline #tang shen #she was hoping to find him as a splinter #but ended up opening old wounds #listened to ceilings a lot while making this and it made it worse for me Q Q #i had to design a bunch of random turts in the bg #so no crossovers in this one :

[perfectharmonyloveschaos]

"I'm alone... again."

It's remembering that Ezra has spent more than half his life alone by the time we'll see him in Ahsoka.

#I miss my baby boy. #He was finally healing and opened up and now he's alone again. #For all we know he's had Thrawn and his forces actively hunting him/attacking him as his only source of human connection for years. #I really hope they actually address the trauma he underwent choosing to be alone again for a decade and don't brush it aside. #It's missing Ezra Bridger hour #star wars rebels #star wars #star wars ahsoka #star wars art #star wars fanart #ahsoka series #ahsoka show #sw ahsoka #sw ahsoka series #ahsoka 2023 #my art #ezra bridger

[princessamericachavez]

like yes yes eddie needs to choose and buck needs to be chosen but also 

Eddie needs to get over the very big trauma of losing his wife. Last time he dated someone he had literal panic attacks at the thought of her being mistaken for Chris’s mother and as much as we saw him work through in therapy we never?? really?? talked?? about?? that?? So, yeah, Eddie needs to realize that he’s at a point where he’s ready to risk his heart and give love a second chance 

(and maybe realize he already did becase there already is a partner in his life who gets consistently confused for Chris’s guardian and it feels natural to him?? but he still needs to realize he’s ready for love)

And Buck needs to be ready to be in a relationship where he’s loved for who he is, where he doesn’t bend and twist to fit someone else’s expectations. And for that Buck needed to die, and needed to come back, and now he needs to process that trauma and steady himself. 

(and Buck loves so quickly, so openly, so loudly, and he gives so much of himself and he wants to be loved that way, and maybe he’ll realize that he already?? is?? loved?? but he needs to let himself accept it)

so basically, it’s not only a matter of choice... eddie needs to be ready to love and buck needs to accept that he is loved if they are ever going to find each other properly together

and that, my funny little friends, is the point of their arcs were we are at right now

#buddie #911 fox #evan buck buckley #eddie diaz #i'm not going to lose hope over this because i remember a million shows where this had been the path #how many relationships this castle and becket have before they finally were at the point where they could be together?? #hey remember when chenford were in two fairly stable long term relationships because they needed to open up to love again #AND they needed to be in the /wrong/ relationships to finally realize WHAT they wanted??? #eddie deciding he's ready to date/love again is a NECESSARY step for buddie and what they needed right ow #just like buck processing his trauma and maybe having a potential relationship in which he gets to say 'no this isn't right for me i deserve #more' is what he needs to realize he HAS that love #anyway the couch isn't a theory it's a laimotif and its a proper literal metaphor in the show #and we know where that's been popping up lately #so like unless they suck at their job i can't see this being the end #CHILL #911 spoilers #ish

[aryomengrande]

dear lord, when i get to heaven, please let me bring my man…when he comes tell me that you’ll let him in, father, tell me if you can…

romeo and juliet by sergio cupido, 2018 (drakemma’s version) ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ (happy birthday, emma ! ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ))

tags: @manjibunny

#art #digital art #fromaryg #commission #commissions open #anime art #anime #tokyo revengers #emma #emma sano #draken #ken ryuguji #ryuguji ken #drakemma #hanma shuji #kisaki tetta #i tried to make the hands on emma’s head tan like kisaki’s but the lighting makes it brighter but js know it’s kisaki’s lol #hope i got hanma’s tattoo right tho bc im an idiot #this is not my style at all and im under the weather so i had a difficult time finishing this lol #sucked it up bc this artwork suits them well #and emma deserved the best 🥹 the only sane sano fr HAHA #romeo and juliet #sergio cupido

[foxaoxarts]

BEE KISS TOMORR- *dead* /j

If anyone wants to watch me drawing this like a little victorian child then the timelapse is below the cut 🤣

(FLICKER WARNING. It's all through out so be careful!👍 )

#RWBY #Bumbleby #Blake Belladonna #Yang Xiao Long #Foxarts #YOUR HONOR I HATE THEM (that's a lie actually) #I'VE BEEN STARING AT THIS FOR 3(?) DAYS NOW AND I'M SICK #Technically this doesn't contain spoilers but let me know if I should add the tag! #In reality I think cloud scene will happen episode 7-ish BUT being delusional is what being a bee fan is all about- #This is the first time I've actually tried drawing a kiss sooooo hope it turned out ok xDD #I am the one who looks away when anyone kisses for more than 2 seconds so. #Kisses aren't very photogenic that's all I'll say (I had 3 tutorials open and 5 references pulled up) #This was so messy- I forewent line art because I hate it and I thought it wouldn't be bad to just clean up the sketch. I was kind of right. #Watching back the recording is funny because I've always known I'm disorganized but just watching it play out is hilarious. #Enjoy my little notes and doodles 😌😌 #They're so soft I want to scream. #I SURE HOPE I DIDN'T FORGET ANYTHING 😭 #Risking my livelihood for these stupids since 2020 *strikes pose* #Anyways that's enough of my rambling. #HAVE A NICE DAY Y'ALL!!

[brookheimer]

looking at the 'midseason trailer' and seeing roman fighting his siblings, roman shitting on gerri, roman working for fascists, roman walking proudly through ATN like logan did just two days prior... it's not surprising, but it is fucking sad.

logan's death will not free roman. instead, it will reforge the chains he's worn all his life, casting them in iron -- that's what roman deserves for thinking, for the first time in his life, that maybe he wants the chains off. that's what roman deserves for killing his father by not loving him enough, by not loving him correctly or at the right times. logan's death will not free roman at all. if anything, it will imprison him.

(as always, this got very long, so keep reading under the cut!)

this was the worst case scenario for roman. not just logan dying, but the exact way everything played out. he betrayed his siblings, he fired gerri -- for nothing. he could have been on the plane with his father in his last moments -- he refused. his last interaction with his father was leaving logan a voice message that called him a cunt -- the first time roman has ever, ever, questioned or stood up to his father, and also the last. we don't know what killed logan. we probably never will. but god if it won't feel awfully coincidental to roman: the one time he fought back against his father or even showed the slightest hint of doing so, his father died. is it likely that logan heard roman's voice memo and keeled over because he called him a cunt? no. but is it just as possible as anything else? entirely. roman might have killed his dad. roman murdered logan when he could've been on the plane with him holding his hand, if he were a good son. he didn't even tell logan he loved him. not that he needed to, it fucking oozed from his every pore and the desperate nature of that love was one of the reasons logan could never quite stand him -- but that's not the point. roman's one attempt at agency, at setting boundaries, at standing up for himself killed his fucking father.

logan dying would never have been good for roman, at least in his current state, no matter how the actual death came to pass. people often talk about abusive relationships as if the end-all-be-all fixer to abuse is independence, and it's not. independence isn't always enough to heal, especially not when it's forced upon you rather than something you choose. this is especially true for roman, i think. what roman needed was not just to gain his own independence, but to realize that independence and love are not mutually exclusive, that gaining one does not mean losing the other. logan's always hammered in roman's weakness, his wrongness; roman was never someone who deserved to be loved on his own terms. roman's never considered himself to be someone with agency and authority in his relationships -- he's been told over and over again that he isn't a real person, that there's something deeply wrong and unfixable in him, and he believes it. he's never set boundaries with his father or even his siblings because i don't think he really realizes he has the power to do that. he's simply there until people decide they no longer have use for him or want him around, and he'll always come crawling back after a kick because he doesn't realize he's not on a leash -- that he doesn't need to be on a leash. independence has been unreachable all his life, he isn't normal or real enough to be a real normal independent capable person, but if he grovels and shows his use enough, then maybe he can be loved. but his dependence and loyalty is all he's good for. independence means no love, no family, no relationships. and roman desperately wants, needs, those relationships in a way that none of the other characters do (or at least can admit to) -- he wants his father in his life, no matter what; he wants his siblings in his life, no matter what. but independence, being his own person, separating himself from logan's side means he'd lose everything else, everyone else. he's not good for anything anyways. it's not like he has other options.

...until the start of season four. that's why this is all so tragic -- more than anyone else, it seemed like roman was on the road to healing. it seemed like he was finally realizing that independence and love might not be as mutually exclusive as he's been made to think: maybe he could be independent while still having a relationship with his siblings and even his father. maybe he could have his cake and eat it too. he's realized that he's capable, that he has his own worth, and that he can be successful without living under logan's thumb -- and, more importantly, could still text him on his birthday and try to rebuild a relationship, this time outside of business. outside of "that room" in waystar royco. an actual fucking family relationship. that's what escaping the cycle would look like for roman — not complete separation, not a metaphorical killing of his father, but the ability to live alongside him, to have a life outside of him, to love his father without living for him. so simply removing logan from the equation wouldn’t help roman, not when what he needs most is to realize that self-respect is not mutually exclusive with love, that being your own person isn’t a betrayal, that family and love aren’t dependent on how low you can kneel and won’t be whisked away the moment you stand up. and for the first time in his life, it seemed like he was on track to discovering this. maybe he and the siblings could have the hundred, logan could keep going with atn, and in a few years down the line they'd all get together to talk shop and joke around and coexist -- for the first time, he had started to think of himself as enough of a real, okay person to be allowed to coexist with his family, rather than naturally subordinating himself in every interaction.

roman could’ve been his own person, could’ve escaped the cycle, could’ve started a business with his siblings and tried to heal, but now he won’t. he can’t. roman can’t become his own person now, not when his first attempt to do so is exactly what killed logan. it’s his fault. he fucked up and now there’s no dad. he gained his independence, but at what cost? love. that’s the cost. it always has been and always will be. nothing could be more detrimental to roman roy than the exact series of events that occurred in this episode, because just as he started to see a world beyond his father, logan dies -- proving once and for all that the only world beyond logan is one without him in it at all. that’s been roman’s fear all along and why he’s stuck so close to his side: roman loves and loves and loves and is terrified, terrified, of death. of loss. but in a moment of 'weakness,' roman wobbled (he tried to stand up to logan rather than just taking the kicks as he's supposed to, as he always has), and his father paid the ultimate price. there’s no more dad. there’s no reviving him.

…unless, of course, there is. unless roman can undo his error by choosing his father again, and again, and again. becoming logan is the closest roman can get to resurrecting him, after all. and besides, doesn’t he owe it to dad after killing him? after calling him a cunt, choosing not to be with him on that plane he ended up dying on? after forgetting to even say “i love you dad” before the end? roman needs to fix things. needs to make it like dad's still here. needs to make it like he didn't kill his own father by refusing him for the first time in his life. so roman will be the firebreather logan wanted -- he'll do ATN, he'll push for mencken, he'll do whatever it fucking takes to try and make things right. if it's his fault logan's no longer here, then he needs to do everything he possibly can to fulfill his dying wishes, to do what logan would've done, were he alive.

"dad can't die, he's dad." he can't ever die. he's immortal, and his immortality was solidified by the circumstances of his death -- logan will not die. he’ll live on in roman, as roman.

roman will make sure of it.

#to clarify -- i do not think this is roman's endgame. i Hope it is not his endgame. i just think based on the previews and everything we #know about both him and the upcoming episodes... i think this is where his arc is heading for now. and it will be UNBEARABLE to watch #i'm hoping things get better by the end. that there's reconciliation and an ending open enough to allow for a slim possibility of future #healing. but as of right now... i think things are going to get a lot - a LOT - fucking worse before they get better (if they get better..) #k it's 1:30 am i haven't read over this at all so fair warning there. but yeah. told yall i had a lot of thoughts re: what this might do to #roman. hats off to jesse armstrong for creating the literal worst situation imaginable for him. fucking ingenious. i too love putting this #sad little man in situations! but yeah. gonna be watching thru my hands but eating it up while weeping etc etc etc #succession #succession spoilers #roman roy #succession meta #succession s4 #connor's wedding #logan roy #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #100 #500 #succession speculation

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Late Night Talking

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #MDZS #wei wuxian #lan wangji #This scene had massive 'we are the only two people still up at the sleepover' energy #thought let me set the record straight; wwx doesn't open up in the scene. He fully deflects #Nor does LWJ play with ants B*( #I wanted to merge the two scenes a bit that's all #My OG script was a bit funnier but it broke continuity so rip (i.e: wwx outright stated 'remember when YOU...' in reference to the ants) #also rip to lwj saying 'hey U up?' like he's texting his crush. I hope the spirit is still there #We all know lwj sticks to his 9pm bedtime no matter what #and wouldn't be traditionally texting on a cellphone #He wakes up at 4:30 am to go for a run #gets home at 5:30 to use the lan household computer to go on his shared google doc with wwx and comments 'are you still awake?' #cause lets me real. wwx might also keep a steady sleep schedule but at least he *can* pull an all-nighter #Can you imagine lwj at a sleepover? I admit to being the kid who went to bed and woke up 3-4 hours before the others #you either get fed up and wake someone else up for enrichment - or plan ahead to bring a book - or Walk Home #I fully missed out on all that deep heart to heart stuff. I usually was the one to go 'guysssss we are gonna get in troubleeee go to sleep' #wait this is too much sleepover talk I need to talk about wwx in the last panel. It's a mix of panic and pride. #He's just at the beginning of realizing this guy has changed a lot in 13 years #gonna be a while before more comic pages get posted but they're ready to go in the queue! #(I'm still posting other stuff daily though!)

[buccellato]

Fucks me up to think about how Legato's legacy in-universe after his death in Trimax (and presumably Tristamp) is probably gonna be how much he sucked and nothing else....

Like, nobody will like Knives but Vash will be long-lived enough to be able to eventually talk about his good qualities from when he was a child and his quasi-redemption in his last days. But who remembers Legato? Livio and Vash are the only living people with any extended memory of him and neither of them would have anything nice to say (and rightfully so). Neither of them probably knew he was a slave, either—as far as Vash can tell this dude showed up one day and hated his guts, for all he knows he's just another survivor from July! Outside of Knives, Elendira, Legato, and maybe Conrad, I don't think any other character knows his actual life story.

And to add on to that, there's no way of looking up that past either—he had no name or personhood before he was effectively rescued, so who could investigators or reporters or archivists track down for information? The human being that was Legato only existed for as long as he knew Knives, before that he was something to be kept and abused as an object. There's presumably no surviving family they can reliably contact, nobody to really say "yes I knew him, here's what his life was like, here's how we can prevent something like this from happening again".

His entire existence will be reduced down to "a human weapon that was freakishly loyal to public enemy #1" without any reflection on the mechanisms that made him the way he was because there's just no actual knowledge of his life.

#trigun #trigun maximum #trigun spoilers #legato bluesummers #fucked up to think about how absolutely conditional his personhood was throughout his life. Good parallel to Wolfwood and Livio and Vash th #sometimes I think about that potential little sister he (maybe) had...if she existed (and was alive) would she even recognize him? #also really hope the whole “most of the humans on this planet died off and also Earth fleets showed up” fixes the slavery issue because oof #the Roderick gang was so open about it too...had they gotten more bold as of recent (in the story) or were they always so cocky? #not that it probably mattered since all they had to do was avoid the handful of city military police and the one independent who cared #I think Vash probably would've done something (and then pretend he didn't) if he knew more...but he's also not omniscient #I do think he'd stop slavers if he saw them but he'd actually have to run into them first...or learn to actually investigate for real #the Earth forces are actually desperately needed here if only just to fix this #CLEARING OUT MY DRAFTS (2 posts) LET'S GO

[egophiliac]

i need to know when u watch episode 5 of gotchard, because it is by far the best episode of the season so far for a variety of reasons

toku really is just the absolute best

#kamen rider #gotchard #gif warning #tag team ACTION gif warning #(guy yelling at a trading card) GET OUT OF HERE CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE NOT WANTED #(heartbroken puppy voice) wr...wrestler g... #gotchard has had a bit of a rough start i admit but it does feel like it's getting better! #it does lend itself well to this kind of absolutely unhinged madness #i hope we cut back to the yakuza guys in like 20 episodes and they've opened up a butterfly reserve #hotaro with the utena references: i'm a gun now too #anyway this is rider so i'm ready for the reveal that rinne is spanner's sister or mom or time-traveling future daughter or whatever #lay it on me let's go

[arcanegifs]

Arcane Gif Requests: @jennslayer ↳ "Bravo, Sis."

#arcane #arcaneedit #vi #vi arcane #arcane vi #sevika #league of legends arcane #arcane league of legends #vi lol #vi league of legends #media: arcane #s1 ep9 #type: gif #had to cut a lot of corners since this scene was so dark #but i think it ended up okay #hope you like it #ive recently been too busy to consistently post some gifs so just to be sure i have to close reqs for now #hopefully i can open them again

[cozy-the-overlord]

Seeing people complain about the Speak Now vault tracks being too teenagery …. gee, you’d almost think a teenager wrote them /s

#i feel like it’s a lose lose situation #because if they’re ‘too mature’ like on the red vault people accuse her of writing them recently #but if they’re ‘too immature’ people complain about them being not as good #i for one really like the speak now vault #it may not be as deep as red but i think it’s still really eye-opening #like the kinds of things she was thinking about but felt she couldn’t share #idk maybe it’s because i was a Small Child when speak now came out #and it was really the first album i ever became obsessed with #and as a result i idolized taylor as this beacon of perfection and grown-up-ness #like obviously I’ve long since recognized that she was still a child in a lot of ways in that era #but hearing the vault tracks really made her feel like a Real Teenager to me in a way i never had before? #like the anxiety on electric touch #the insecurity on when emma falls in love #the hopefulness tinged with self-loathing/self-criticalness on foolish one #the wattpad-tinged fantasy of i can see you #idk i feel like teenage me would have related to all that a lot in a way that i never did with her other music #idk i’m rambling #i need to go to bed #taylor swift #speak now taylor’s version

[plan-3-tmars]

Is this what Happiness is?

- hey so I haven't seen an interpretation of the bar scenes in Half that I fully agree with, so I wanted to throw my own two cents out there into the void and pray that it makes sense !!!

so, in the bar scenes in Half we see what I interpret as a hangout with old friends (or, hangout with old friend + his wife.) These scenes used to be the biggest piece of evidence for the cheater theory, but now that that's been debunked by the man himself, I have a new way of looking at them

~ before I go any further, I just wanted to say that I'll be calling the brown-haired woman whiskey for simplicity's sake

In this scene, Kazui turns to look at Whiskey, saying the lyrics:

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

With my guess (cuz that's really what it is there's no evidence for it) that Whiskey is the Bartender's wife i think this scene is Kazui being conflicted with what he's been told is true, that marrying Hinako is "true love", versus what he feels is true, that marrying Hinako has brought distance into their relationship.

He looks at Whiskey, a woman happily married, and wonders why his relationship with Hinako isn't like that.

~ shout out to @prisoner-000 for the following screenshot

in this post he points out that Hinako and Kazui's rings are silver in Cat, not gold like they were in Half, yet Bartender's ring colour stays the same.

For the sake of this writing I'm going to go with the first meaning they put out, that Bartender's ring is gold because his marriage is genuine.

But wait!! I hear you ask. This is Half and Kazui's ring is still gold in Half!! EXACTLY MY FRIEND!!

Kazui's ring IS still gold in Half because at the time of these scenes he's still fooling himself that this relationship is good, that he will eventually garner real romantic feelings for Hianko.

"laughing together, side by side, this distance in our relationship is misleading me, is this what happiness is?"

Remember this lyric that plays during the Whiskey -> Hinako scene. You know what other scene in Half this lyric reminds me of?

laughing together, side by side,

this distance in our relationship is misleading me,

is this what happiness is?

He's beginning to doubt if what he believes is true, he's beginning to believe the feelings telling him something's wrong (and remember, the scene right after this one is when he confesses (?) his secret to Hinako) ARE infact true, and that maybe the logic he's been following for so long has a couple holes in it.

I think these scenes are meant to show Kazui gradually realising that his relationship with Hinako will not work out. It just won't, no matter how hard he tries.

He's able to laugh together and talk with Whiskey because she's his friend, yet he can't do the same with his own wife? Even though, according to his gold ring, their relationship is supposed to be real and true and genuine?

#thats not even getting into the gay theory implications btw #bar kazui staring at audience kazui with the lyrics “all these memories and you / only if i could erase them” #because his crush on his friend literally haunts him and his relationship with hinako (the green apple) #confessing his love to his friend “just so its out in the open” because he so desperately needs to get it off his chest #most likely having his feelings not reciprocated as his friend his married and staring at his wife #who then transitions into hinako / wondering why he does not feel the same happiness with her than he does at the bar #because he's lying to himself and he's lying to her #he *knows* that their relationship is not happiness and yet he hides in denial #because it's not like he will be able to find his happiness anyway as his friend is already taken #sorry #this doesnt rlly make sense and i'm aware of that i wish i could beam what im trying to get at into ur head #unfortunately its nearly 11pm and when i was brainstorming this idea i had a nap and NEVER WROTE MY THOUGHTS DOWN (biggest mistake ever) #someone with a bigger vocabulary pls come and pick this up and explain it better thank youuuy #anyway just hope you get what im trying to say #thats all #sorry for the ramble in tha tags but also this is my house so #milgram #kazui mukuhara #hinako mukuhara #milgram theory #ig i never know what to title these

[pocketramblr]

It's all my fault

#i am so glad i got to the endgame unspoiled that was crazy good #but kabru just immediately flopping over and going 'ah this is all my fault' was the funniest thing #only to become the second funniest thing when Mithrun just immediately got up and went to punch him about it shfhgjgh #still i kinda wish kabru had more than a single panel interaction with this #but the fact that his arm was grabbed (he normally is the one grabbing) and the eyes stayed close (even though they could have looked human) #i dunno just fun #.... also #kabru: why won't you open your eyes #wl!laios: oh I'm about to! (rips apart the sky) they're open now! #anyway silliness aside #it's fun to draw with those textures #my art #alt text #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon spoilers #dm spoilers #i don't. i don't know how to tag spoilers #i wasn't blocking any #i was just lucky that of all the fun content i saw on my dash before i started reading it none of it gave away this #i hope the rest of y'all are so lucky fhgjgjgh

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

hm. im not very big on new years resolutions, they're too much pressure. but... perhaps i can handle new years Desires

this year i want to complete a lil comic, fan-based or otherwise. i'd like to also complete some sort of storyboard/animatic thing. i want to develop a coloring style that i can be proud of. i want to get to a point with my dragons where they can have a coherent story & world to live in. i want to think of so many fun, trivial facts about my characters. i want to post more about them. i want to write and post an original thing, be it 1k words or 10k. i want to finish the rough draft of a book i outlined. i want to be kinder to myself. i want to create more gift art for others. i want to put more effort & care & love into my art. i want to force myself into the world and figure out how to live. i want to make an irl friend. try a new craft - scrapbooking, maybe, or making an enamel pin. i want to finish that last commission and make a new sheet for more. i want to be freer with myself. i want to finish at least three fics. i want to go whale watching again. i want to improve my art, especially in the matter of drawing people. i want to bake something tasty and share it with the neighbors. i want to be content with existing. i want to have more good things in life to list on bad days. i want to build a birdhouse.

#i also... want to buy sort & jar more clay sprinkles #and unpack everything in my room #last place i lived in for three years had boxes from that move that i never opened #not this time... this time Everything will find a place... #maybe ill try poetry! maybe ill volunteer on a tallship again! #maybe ill change my hair! spice up my style! leash train my cat! #i want to improve my writing as well #and read more books! even if im just rereading! #No! i want to read priory of the orange tree! #absolutely unprompted #the last few years ive just... had very little hopes or desires #it was just one month after the next with the knowledge that id do nothing the next year too #not this year please. not this year.... #i want to Try. i want to live. please? please #the beginning of this year is gonna be tough and my life's stability is being threatened #but! i will hold on hope with bloody teeth. im gonna make it this time. i want to change for the better #and i will. thats my only resolution. the others are maybes and what ifs #but i Am going to change. i want to be in the world and so i shall be. i want to be a person and so i will make it happen #clinging to that this year. im worth it! this time i really am worth it.

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

#seriously another shout out to my mutuals #id particularly like to say thank you to boom who's always right there for me no matter what's happening or how insane im being #and also everyone in our little discord that wound up having to make a whole new channel for venting #bc i was there so often like 'today's weird ask isssss.... telling me about my cupsize!! rip them to shreds!!!' #hannah and theo especially being there and pushing me to finally turn off anon. war is truly over #and of course rori bc the shamelessness u show when hating on my anon asks has been genuinely really cathartic #sometimes u really do just need a rottweiler mutual to tell random people online to kill themselves 😭 #okay weird oscar acceptance speechcore gratitude over. i do just rlly love my mutuals #like i went three years not telling anyone about the worse side of internet popularity for fear of looking spoiled and ungrateful #so for the first time to open up about it and be met with outrage on my behalf and people saying in fact it's MORE fucked up #than i initially realised bc ive grown desensitised to it is. yeah cathartic i guess #they are singlehandedly reassuring me of the good this cursed app still holds #so everyone thank them and send them flowers NOW #okay im done i think. see you guys soon. i truly do want to come back asap bc like i said i NEVER EVEN WANTED TO FUCKING LEAVE #SOME ASSHOLES JUST HAD TO PUT GRENADES ON WHAT I ASSUMED WERE VERY UNIVERSAL AND OBVIOUS BOUNDARIES #if you're reading this like 'ohhh fuck i defo sent something invasive lately. i thought it was a joke/we were friends' #then 1) we arent friends if you're on anon. it immediately creates a power imbalance where you know me and any necessary context #but i have no idea who you are or how much you know about me. that's already a fucked dynamic #and 2) I HOPE YOU FEEL BAD. LIKE GENUINELY I HOPE YOU FEEL AWFUL AND HAVE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF #okay i think that's all. ta-ra lads??? how tf do u end something like this #ive queued this to reblog a couple more times throughout the day