#I had like such a fun day today with Audrey and gg came home and felt CALM and GOOD

[lilgynt]

I’m so anxious I’m light headed and on god my respect for high school graham has never been higher Jesus Christ

#personal #I hope that version of me gets my good vibes through the time line or something #I probably got them felt calm and freaked out bc I felt calm #no but it’s been like two weeks in this weird situation at my house and like #I was alright before it happened like I was eating regularly wasnt like on a watch list #had things I throughly enjoyed and shit you know? #plus wasnt off the walls bat shit insane #but high school graham was like today I will have at least 5 anxiety attacks and be actually insane #anyway it’s funny how every bad bad episode with my mom I’m like okay this will never happen again #then it does and I’m like HUH #I had like such a fun day today with Audrey and gg came home and felt CALM and GOOD #and then boom #like I could hear her talking to my brother across the house and she wasn’t yelling I could just hear her #and I listened and I came in and seeing Ben look so genuinely tired and defeated and just hearing my mom talk #and knowing it’s my fault just makes me raw from the inside out #and it’s like okay 🥰 time to dissociate while cleaning for a bit so I don’t do something #and I know! I know she can’t love normally but I still want it and I’m just trying and knowing #knowing she doesn’t get me and actually misinterprets a lot of my actions #and then I get in a loop of trying to understand her and it’s like I think we’re both dead and each other’s hell no offense #but I understand her to a degree and it just makes me want to die #i feel like a cat who doesn’t understand it’s dying and just wants to get away from the feeling but it just can’t #ugh and then I think about the ripple effect of my actions in regards to how my mom treats the house it’s just like #** * *** **** this simply wouldn’t be happening but ofc that’s just crazy talk so it just starts up again #the right answer is to leave get therapy and medicated and try to live my life #with or without her in it. I want her in it but :/ if I try to leave lmaoo who knows #and this is just whining but I’m just not ready? #like I spend most my day lying in bed thinking bout dying cause noises are too much and no one gets it #if I left now well 🤪 #anyway! just gotta move forward to get this bad patch over with #and set up foundations so the next one isn’t as bad!