#I had my issues but at least I wasn't in need of therapy

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

#transgender #queer #transmasc #lgbtqia+ #trans man #sexism #medical sexism #feminism #male privilege

[five-crows-in-a-trench-coat]

When I mentioned my (apparently hot) take that I believe self-diagnosed people are valid, I got a handful of (my first!!!) hate comments.

So I thought I'd elaborate.

People who are self-diagnosed with anything might just end up being default settings. That's okay. What's not okay is denying someone aid on the basis that they don't have a diagnosis.

I always carry earplugs because a bunch of my friends have auditory sensory issues. None of them are diagnosed with anything, but I've helped them through panic attacks nonetheless.

If a stranger came up to me at a loud event and, seeing I have earplugs, asked for a pair, I wouldn't hesitate to give them. Don't bother giving them back, I buy in bulk.

Maybe that person was a neurotypical with sensitive ears, or maybe they were an autistic person with auditory sensory issues. I'll never know. But if my response was, "Do you have autism?" that would just make me a jerk. If their response was "Yes," and I then demanded paperwork as proof of their autism and therefore eligibility for ear plugs? That would mean I'm violating their privacy.

One of my friends had a panic attack at a loud event where she was working, and someone took her shift without question when they asked if she was okay and she said she wasn't. That's being a cool person. Saying "Well, you're not diagnosed with autism," and refusing to help her on that basis while she is clearly in distress is not cool. Even if she is neurotypical, anyone in distress merits help. Just because someone can swim doesn't mean they need breaks to keep from drowning, and refusing them a lifesaver on those grounds is just being a jerk, especially if there's no one else who could use the metaphorical lifesaver.

One of the main reasons I'm pursuing being a psychiatrist is so I can give my friends the diagnoses that I know would make their lives easier. I have the privilege to be diagnosed. They do not. I want to help give people free therapy and diagnoses since, at least in the United States, money is a huge barrier keeping people from diagnoses.

#nonbinary #queer #they them #queer pride #trans #adhd #neurodivergent #tired #autism traits #autism spectrum disorder #asd #autism #self diagnosis #self diagnosers #self diagnosed autism

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey, allo anon with an ace partner here. I wanted to say thank you so much for the well wishes! I figured I would send this in here again, so anyone else who is curious about what this experience looks like from the other side can see it.

My girlfriend came out to me a little over 2 years into our relationship. At the time it surprised me a lot, because she'd never given me any signs that she wasn't enjoying what we were doing. After we talked more I understood that she wasn't repulsed by sex and she didn't hate it, but she didn't really love it either and wanted to stop doing it for a while (so a sex-neutral ace).

Honestly, at the time, I did get anxious about it. Not just because of social conventions, but because I had viewed sex as an important bonding part of our relationship. I don't do well with change, and I was super worried about how a lack of sex would change our dynamic. I also had some insecurities about my own body, and my girlfriend admitting that she didn't see me as sexy was upsetting. But after speaking to my therapist, I realized that I was projecting my own issues on to the relationship. So I spoke with her again, and she reassured me that she wanted to be with me, and that she was confiding these feelings because she trusted me. She likes how I look, she just doesn't have the same sexual impulses I do.

So, I realized this was pretty much like cuddling. I love physical touch a lot, and I want to cuddle for a much longer time than she does. I like it when someone lies on top of me. She doesn't want me on top of her chest during cuddling. She still cuddles with me, but she tells me when she's satisfied, and we stop.

A few months went by, and I noticed that she wasn't spending any less time with me; she was actually spending more. We would still call every evening when we didn't meet up in person, we would still joke around, and she still told me she loved me and did everything she could to show it to me. We also began trying out new stuff together, and playing games and watching stuff more often. We also still had plenty of physical intimacy with things like cuddling and kissing, which made me really happy.

I realized that I didn't feel like anything was missing from the relationship. I just needed her to show and tell me she loved me in the ways she normally did. Sure, I am still attracted to her that way, but it wasn't something that would make or break the relationship.

It's been years since she came out, and at this point, I never expect anything sexual. It happens rarely, and I always check in with her multiple times before and during. We stop at any point she tells me. There are quite a few hard boundaries about what is and isn't off limits, and I always keep them in mind. I would rather satisfy myself forever than make her uncomfortable, and she knows it.

It's been over 5 years and we are still going strong. I am hoping to ask her to marry me in the next few years, because honestly, I can't picture wanting anyone else by my side. She is kind, funny, beautiful, intelligent, and treats me well. I could never ask for anything more from a partner.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I myself definitely lack knowledge of what it feels like from an allo's perspective, so this was very educational for me, but beyond that... You have no idea how much hope this gives me.

From you being aware of how much sex meant to you in the context of your relationship and still being fine without it, to just... Heck, even your therapist for not blaming her for the situation. Therapy is still very much, in my country at least, an area where the absence or lower levels of sexual attraction will be hastily labelled as something wrong physically or mentally, so... Yeah, the amount of relief I felt reading that, you have no idea. And I can only imagine how much your partner appreciates it too.

Honestly I teared up a bit reading this - I sincerely wish you guys all the best and I hope you have a bright future ahead! (Also fun fact, seems you guys have been together as long as my partner and I have, it's nice to be able to relate to that too hehe^^)

#anon #asexual #ace #allosexual #thank you so much for sharing

[whillywisp]

Part 2 of Finnick being the most amazing dad/doting husband because I'm sure this is just therapy for my darlings with daddy issues and, well, issues🌱

Warnings: a little long, a little angstier today, implied mention of what happened to finnick. But still as fluffy as yesterday.

Part 1 ☁︎

If Finnick was caring and terrified during the pregnancy, multiply that by ten thousand and that's him postpartum. This man was convinced the very air his family breathed was out to get them. He refused to sleep because he was scared something would happen if he dared to get some rest but after you very gently (you yelled) explained to him that he cannot stay up for three nights straight because no Finnick the baby doesn't need to be held twenty five-eight please for the love of god get some damn sleep, he finally got some rest.

Recovering from pregnancy is a whole other nightmare but he made it bearable. Finnick's favourite thing in the entire world, as previously stated, was taking care of you. So you know he was at your beck and call round the clock. He helped you shower, helped you move around, stayed up with you during night time feedings so you wouldn't feel alone. He cooked every meal and made sure you had everything needed within an arm's reach. Sometimes you were so overcome with love for him that you would tug him close and pepper his face with kisses because where on earth would you find someone as gentle and caring and loving in this miserable world as this angel right here? Nowhere thank you.

But it was seeing him with her that had you convinced you saved a country in your last life (well, in this life and while it was group effort—) to be able to witness something so pure and gentle.

Finnick held his little girl like he she was made of the finest glass and would disappear if he so much as breathed too loud near her. His wide eyes traced every movement, every twitch of a muscle, every breath your baby took. If her little hand curling around his made his pretty eyes gloss over, you absolutely saw it and you made sure to tease him about, for which you were met with embarassed smiles but no denials. He wasn't ashamed of loving his family and least of all his baby girl.

But every spring came stained grey from winter's shadow, still lingering around the corner as if seeking spring's warmth too. And Finnick's past, to him, felt a bit like that.

What happened to Finnick was not a secret he carried in his pocket folded up with a list of names who still bragged of their contribution to his survival or hidden behind forced smiles anymore. What happened to Finnick was public and while he is as not at all at fault for it, humiliation and self-hatred didn't have a mind of its own and regardless of the circumstances and the people that were at fault for everything, he still blamed himself, he still dreaded the day his baby, his entire world, found out what happened. And he told you about it of course.

"What if...what if she hates me?"

You looked up from the book you had been reading, glancing at him where he lay on his back. Your daughter, now nine months old, fast asleep on his chest and your voice a little incredulous as you whisper back. "I'm not sure if you noticed but she worships the ground you walk on."

The smile he gives you is forlorn and pressed into the top of your daughter's head. He blinked, looking away from you and in the blink of an eye you had dropped your book, uncaring where it landed and gently craddled his face in your hands, wiping away tears that stained his emrald green eyes.

"Angel—"

"I don't want her to find out," he sniffed, tightening his arms around your daughter, taking a shuddering breath before continuing. "I do-don't want her to find out. She'll hate me. She'll think I'm so weak. I was so weak."

You sighed, gently pressing a kiss to his forehead before wiping away tears that escaped his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. Rage and grief burned in your heart with vengeance and you wished, not for the first time, the need to rip those wealthy capitolites to shreds with your bare hands, to make these vile people disappear, praying they'd take the pain they inflicted on him away with them.

But instead you used the same hands and pulled him close, letting him cry into your chest as you wrapped your arms around him and your daughter, whispering quietly but firmly to him. "Finnick Odair, those years of you life were bleak. Those years of your life were harsh. And you were a lot of things during them: broken, hurt, abused. But you weren't weak. You survived, you made sure to survive because you knew you needed to survive to be free. That was your way of winning. And if we raise this baby right, she'll love you regardless, hell even more, when she finds out. I love you and I agree with you on just about everything. But this, this I refuse to because the man i married, the boy I fell for, is a survivor."

He peered at you through wet lashes, sniffling softly as he pressed a kiss to your chest and then the top of your daughter's head: his quiet way of saying 'I love you. Thank you for being my light.' You let out a deep breath you didn't know you were holding, tightening your arms around your family.

You weren't lying when you said your daughter worshipped the ground he walked on. He was her hero. She followed him around the house since the minute she started crawling, screamed for him every morning and only calmed down when he picked her up and out of crib and in the most Finnick fashion, loved you in her gentle ways. She got that from me, he would say smugly as you had to eat another fistful of mushed baby food because of course your daughter picked that her way to show her love for you after having seen Finnick feed you fruit earlier. You would glare at him over her little sprout hair, identical to the one his hair was tied into on her highness' orders, your heart threatening to explode in your chest from the sheer amount of love it was filled with.

Your daughter was not only growing up to be the most precious child in the world, but she was also terrifyingly bright and understanding, even at such an young age. On days she noticed Finnick's need to be quiet or when he was too overwhelmed by everything, you noticed her making a conscious effort to stay quiet and keep her noises to a minimum. If Finnick needed time alone, she wouldn't bother him but spent her time with you, telling you about how daddy needs his quiet time and you had to hold onto the cushion behind you on the couch to hold back from crying, completely baffled at and extremely grateful that you both were raising an angel like her. But you weren't all that surprised when you thought about it a little more deeply. She was, after all, her daddy's little girl.

The day she starts kindergarten feels like the most emotional episode of the worst soap opera possible because you woke up to them...crying. And saying their goodbyes as he tearfully packed her lunch and did her hair, as if she was off to war. And it took quite a while to coax them both out of the house because I love you both but we cannot be late on the first day you guys please. But on the walk to kindergarten it was peaceful and full of laughter, because they could both pretend this was just their morning walk.

But of course, the tears were back when the gates closed with the promise of keeping them separated for three hours.

"What if she gets hungry and can't open the lunch box?"

You frowned looking up at him, shaking your head. You both were standing outside the gates to the school along with other worried parents, some taking a break from said worrying to side eye you both, something you had learned to tune out years ago.

"Finnick, she showed us she can open the lunch box just fine before we left home."

"But what if she can't here?" He insisted, looking down at you like you were the insane one for not considering that scenario. You sighed, grabbing his hand and tugging him away from the gates, trying to ease his worries.

"I promise you if she needs help with that, she will ask her teacher," you smiled at him, pecking his lips gently to stop him when he opens his mouth to voice another bizarre worry. "She'll be fine. She's our kid, she'll be perfectly fine."

He cracked a small smile, wrapping his arm around your shoulder as you both start walking back, giving in with a small chuckle. "Yeah, okay. Maybe we should get a puppy to keep us busy now since she wants to do all grown up things go to scho..."

You look up at him as he suddenly trails off, confused as you catch him staring at something thoughtfully in the distance and follow his gaze to freeze against him slightly. In the distance, still as grey and imposing as ever, was the abandoned building which once held District 4's career academy. Strange feelings that always came with seeing it, both good and bad and nostalgic, make you tighten your grip on his hand and his around your shoulders.

Less than a decade ago, only a few metres and a small canal away from the kindergarten that your daughter now attended, children like her were being trained to kill, you and Finnick being a part of them. The thought of that still makes your blood run cold but the relief that rushed in right after, knowing your baby would never have to do that, is enough to let go of another hour of the countless you had spent in there, training to survive a system bigger than the arena could ever be.

You took a deep breath, forcing to maintain your light tone as you forced both of you to continue moving. "Heard they're building another school there, to keep the spirits of learning still alive and all that."

He smiled, kissing the top of your head fondly. "And I assume you want to help out in that?" The cheeky smile you had given him was answer enough but for him, it was like a sigh of relief, of brighter days no longer stained with gloom of his past.

People and places had changed to accomodate this new change, this everlasting spring, and maybe he was looking forward to letting his soul do the same too.

A/N: i agree this might've gone slightly offtopic in certain places but bare with me. I can't decide if want this to be the end or write more. But I hope you enjoyed this regardless of these things. All my love 🌱

#finnick odair x reader #finnick odair x gn!reader #writing #fanfiction #hunger games #finnick imagine #finnick odair #moonfm #finnick odair x male reader #finnick odair imagine #finnick odair fanfic #finnick odair aesthetic #finnick odair x you

[amyintherapy]

Things I've Learned in 18 months of therapy

When people repeat the same patterns of behavior that are more negative than positive, it's usually trauma related. Examples: Your sister who has dated 15 different men who all are emotionally unavailable, short-fused guys who don't respect her. Or your aunt who has gotten into severe debt several times in her life, always buying items she doesn't need. Or your friend who has always befriended people who are not disabled but don't work and chronically need 'favors' so they end up allowing people to mooch off them to the point of it harming their own financial security. Basically anytime you find yourself frustrated and wondering 'why do they always DO that?" or "why don't they just do X instead? They always do Y which just makes things worse..." the answer likely is, they have trauma related to this issue, and/or their behavior is related to their trauma response that they are stuck in. Of course, this is true for you also! If you keep reacting to certain situations in a way you dislike, or going back to a coping method that you see as harmful and can't figure out why you can't stop...it's probably trauma related in some way.

Part of being traumatized involves your brain trying to hide the trauma from you..at least most of it, if not all of it. My therapist has used the example of a piece of paper that is standing upright. You might see the fine edge of the paper, so you sometimes know a piece of paper is in front of you, but you can only see the edge, so when that paper finally gets turned so that it's facing you and you can read everything written on it, it kinda knocks you over and you feel like you should have known all of that all along...after all, the paper was right there. But you couldn't read it before, and you didn't even know there was all that writing on it anyway so you didn't realize such a big piece of your puzzle was missing. In other cases, the paper may be more like...trapped in a book, so it was always there, but you had no idea it was as you thought it was just part of the book, not this hand-written note hidden inside. So anyway, it's very normal to feel shocked at how lacking in awareness you were about the full impact or detail of your trauma once you get on a roll with therapy. I always knew I had trauma, and I've always been a self-reflective person...so I thought I was self aware of my trauma. But I've been surprised at how much I was failing to see fully.

ADHD is stupidly named. Having ADHD doesn't mean you have a deficit of attention. It means you can't control (aka regulate) your attention the way most people can. Tons of people with ADHD would tell you that they feel like they have too much attention. They are interested in ALL the things which is why they struggle to keep their focus on one thing while blocking out everything else going on around them. The things you do that cause you problems, were things you originally did to protect yourself. For example, maybe your addiction started because you were reaching for emotional relief and had no other (healthier) way to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you shut down and isolate when you're hurt, because when you tried reaching out for support as a child it just made things worse because your caregiver was reactive instead of supportive. Endless examples, but people do things for a reason. Your coping methods have a logical cause of some kind or another, even if they do more harm than good now, that wasn't always the case. At one time, they helped you cope with or avoid some bigger pain or problem. Depression and anxiety are both forms of avoiding other feelings. Much of general society knows the concept that "anger is a secondary emotion" (which is only sometimes true, it's also a core emotion) but I didn't know this was true of anxiety and depression. They're always secondary emotions. However, it's important to differentiate between sadness and depression, and fear and depression. Fear and sadness/grief are core emotions, but anxiety and depression are secondary. The fact that I am detail-focused and couldn't be concise if my life depended on it, are both ADHD related for me. Social anxiety is usually attachment trauma aka an insecure attachment. Anxiety and depression are often caused by trauma. I wish I knew this earlier. I spent a lot of time thinking of my anxiety was simply genetic or sort of temperament based and therefore unlikely to be healed or fixed. I don't mean to suggest that genetics or temperment isn't some element but...I can't help but wonder how many people are like me and don't realize they could heal a lot of their anxiety or depression by doing trauma work. I'm definitely still an anxious person, but I've seen a really big improvement in my anxiety. More than I thought was possible two years ago. Most kids and teenagers are avoidant in therapy, so they don't usually see as much progress from the experience, at least compared to adults. It's often a rather slow process to see improvement. However, it's still really helpful in the longrun if they have a positive experience with therapy as a teen, they're likely to try again as an adult when they're really ready to face their issues. Online, I've seen child therapists outright say that their #1 goal with kids in therapy is to make them think of therapy positively so they'll come back to therapy when they're older! I saw some progress in therapy as a teen for sure, but the 4+ years of it resulted in roughly as much (if not less?) progress than I've seen in 18 months of therapy as an adult. Apparently that's quite common. Talking about trauma feels awful, and it often makes me leave trauma-related therapy appointments wondering if there is any point or if i'm just making myself sad. A "okay, I understand this issue I have now was caused by XYZ experience from my past...but wtf do I DO about it? I understand it now, but I still have no clue how to fix it?" type of feeling. This is the result of being too close to the current day to see the full picture. Over the course of time, the benefits and healing always become apparent to me.

People who get angry often are sort of the opposite of me. I default to feeling anxious when I "should" feel angry (like when someone is rude to me), and sometimes also when I 'should' be sad. Most people who experience chronic anger are simply people who are converting their fear and/or sadness into anger. It's sometimes the difference between being an internalize and an externalize. Anger is an external emotion, fear/anxiety is an internal one. So if you struggle to externalize, you'll convert anger to sadness or fear, and if you struggle to internalize you'll convert sadness and fear to anger.

My "small t" traumas - like emotional neglect, are at least as impactful as my "big T" trauma (sexual abuse) was.

Sensory issues are common in ADHD, not just autism even though the content online often makes it seem exclusive to ASD.

I am probably forgetting a lot, but if I don't publish this now I never will. So if I think of more later, I'll just add on. :)

#my posts #trauma #adhd #therapy #mental health #cptsd #ptsd #anxiety #depression #generalized anxiety #social anxiety

[thvkei]

hi kira! me again lol

I got this idea while trying to sleep last night but what if the haitani brothers had a sister (maybe their twin? like rindou or ran's twin since they're different ages) who's deaf? and if tenjiku meets her, how will they react?

- love Ria ✨

IMAGINE ME, BUT TWICE !

ft. rindou, ran, izana, kakucho, shion, hanma, kokonoi x fem!reader

genre. sprinkle of angst, fluff, headcanons

notes. HI RIAAA<3 this was so cute my heart hurts :,)) + this post is sfw, but this account contains nsfw content. please do not follow if you're a minor.

growing up with a disability with your two brothers took not only great hardships, but also a huge amount love.

in your case, you were born hard-of-hearing and was completely deaf by the time you were three.

being rindou's twin sister was something you'd always known. you'd never known a life outside him, and your older brother, ran.

you and the boys had a rough childhood. your parents were bums, resulting in the three of you deciding to make a life for yourself at the measly ages of 12 and 11.

ran was only 1 when you two were born, but he quickly began to grasp that you didn't respond to his voice like rindou did. it hurt him deeply, especially more so when your mother refused to attend any type of therapy or sign language lessons.

so, as soon as he was able to, he took it upon himself to learn how to attend to yours and rindou's needs. it was hard. extremely. but he couldn't let you be treated the way he was. neglected and alone, ran fought to keep the two of you safe under the so called 'guidance' of your two useless parents.

by the time he was 10 and you and rin were 9, you developed your own methods of conversation.

as most kids make fun of things they don't understand, such as disabilities, you were teased for your voice from a young age - which caused you to shy away from speaking and only rely on writing and sign for communication.

meeting new people was hard, but, under the protection of your two big brothers, no one dared question you or your lack of speech. any one who did or had previously was left with a broken nose - at least.

due to growing up with them, it was almost a given that you would adopt their attitude. how someone could convey so much sass through their expressions alone, the brothers weren't sure. but they loved it; they loved how you expressed yourself regardless of other people's opinions, even if sometimes it was at their expense.

you'd also, thanks to years of practice and close observation, taught yourself how to lip read. it's always funny when you would appear out of nowhere during, well, what they assumed was a private conversation, and easily answer any inquires or issues they were facing despite not asking you directly.

of course, you knew they were delinquents. and good ones, at that. even though their lifestyle was dangerous, you were drawn to it, naturally. seeing how much fun they had always enticed you, especially since you'd spent so many years of your life living under the armor they forged themselves.

the boys knew you were strong. they'd taught you everything they knew over the years. so when you asked them if you could join tenjiku and fight by their side and they refused, you responded by wrapping your legs around your older brothers head and slamming him against the ground.

yeah, they changed their minds pretty quickly.

tenjiku wasn't aware of the haitanis' little sister until they were face to face with her, staring in confusion at the little girl who closely resembled their cogent executive, rindou.

izana tilted his head at you, staring in confusion. this was the powerful up-coming new member of his gang? a girl?

"she may be deaf, but trust me-" ran smirked, standing at your side with his arms folded. "she gets what she wants."

it was ironic, really, how good you were at convincing people. it had been a skill you'd never lacked in. when you wanted something, you got it. and you prided yourself in that fact.

kakucho is immediately drawn to your ambitious and fearless demeanor, the way you handle yourself - the way you handle others. he admires it. you almost make a weakness look like a strength.

izana is familiar with the basics of sign language, he'd learned it back in the orphanage he stayed in out of boredom and curiosity.

kokonoi isn't familiar with the language nor does he care. sure, you may be useful, but your weakness is so great that he assumes that you will only drag tenjiku down. however he doesn't object.

shion finds it rather amusing, a deaf girl trying to interfere with hardcore gang shit, deciding not to conceal a short laugh. that mistake immediately earned him an almost lethal punch from rindou. sending him towards the ground with a crack.

kisaki thinks it's stupid to get someone like you involved in a gang war. you will only be a liability to them, he thinks. my, how wrong he is.

hanma is, like izana, curious. it's clear to everyone here that you have rin and ran wrapped around your little finger. which consequently meant that you basically had an army of men at the of every whisper, weep or cry. you're powerful. he likes that.

as the days passed by, you continued to prove yourself to them, rounding up new members, strong ones, and leaving them at your disposal. the tenjiku members, apart from ran and rindou, of course, who already knew how you operated, were left speechless.

they found themselves learning sign language on their own will, wanting to understand more about you and how your brain worked. even shion picked up a goddamn picture book.

kokonoi finds himself reluctantly interested, refusing to admit to any one else that your abilities really did outshine your drawback.

however, while you're good at fighting, you aren't the best.

this becomes apparent when a deranged and practically nuts member of a rival gang lunges for you and you barely dodge him, scarcely avoiding a knife in your side.

kokonoi grabs you quickly, shoving you behind him without even thinking. his own actions leave him completely shocked and confused.

tenjiku in turn leaves him permanently paralyzed, discovering that over time you had also swooned them. they weren't sure how, or why, but it just happened.

even though he would never admit it directly, kakucho enjoyed your company and respected you as a fellow member.

the first time hanma made an effort was when he learned a pun in JSL, which came as a huge surprise to you.

that was also the first time he heard your voice - when you tried to hide your laughter from him by covering your mouth with your hand.

he was immediately smitten.

over time, tenjiku progressively become more protective. it's like an instinct. one bad word of you, and their opposition is dead. that's just how it works.

ran and rindou continue to be your number one boys, the brothers you can rely on above all else.

izana trusts you with plans and keeping everyone in order and respects you as his underling. but on a personal level, he thinks even more of you.

even kisaki learns some of the basic cues, giving you at least a little respect even though you often make it known that you don't enjoy his company.

overall, being the haitani's underestimated little sis had its perks. having a disability didn't change how much they loved you in the slightest. it just made you stronger.

please do not repost or steal my work ─ i don't allow translations or resposts on any other platforms.

#✩°｡; tilliewrites #ria ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyo rev fluff #tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo rev x you #rindou haitani #rindou #ran haitani #izana kurokawa #izana x reader #kakucho #kakucho x reader #kakucho x y/n #kokonoi hajime #kokonoi x y/n #kokonoi x reader #deaf!reader #littlesister!reader #kisaki tetta #tenjiku #tenjiku x reader

[farawayfroppy]

Evergreen – I am swept up in you; please don't dispose of me

part 2 ↣ part 1

izuku midoriya x reader

cw: aged up characters, pro-hero au, lots and lots of angst, some canon-typical violence and deaths, Izuku experiences triggers, panic attacks, and nightmares, Reader has a dream-altering quirk, adult language, Reader is referred to as she/her. i see a lot of myself in midoriya so i gave him the therapy that i need

~3k words

hey all! been a while. oops. i started my first year of teaching, so i have had no time to write. i wasn't even planning on posting this i til i had written more of it, but i wanted you to know that i tried lol. i know it's not much, but i hope you enjoy. - Jean xx

Just like that, Izuku found himself back at work.

He knew it was probably too soon, knew it wouldn’t look good to the press or feel like anything other than painful for himself, but he also knew he had a job to do. One of the bastards that had aided in stealing two lives, right in front of him, had gotten away and he hadn’t even known. Hell, beyond that, there was an entire crime ring that seemed to be growing, getting bolder, right under all of their noses.

As much as he didn’t want to relive any of it, to think about it even in the slightest, he knew that as the only hero on the scene that day, he was also a witness. Shouto had wanted information, and now he had it—first hand.

Once inside the doors of his agency, away and safe from the cameras and prying eyes, he made a beeline for his office. He took the stairs today, not bothering with the elevator, where he might have felt like an animal in a cage. That panicked feeling was happening again as he ascended the stairs. Up and up, around and around, it was all blurring together. When he finally reached his floor, he burst through the door, startling an intern standing near a water fountain that was placed a little too closely to the exit.

Izuku mumbled, “Sorry,” but didn’t slow his pace.

He tried not to think about the astounded looks he received from his coworkers as he flew down the hallway. He realized then that he probably should have notified someone, at least his secretary, of his return. As he neared his office, he passed by her, and she rose from her desk with a surprised expression.

“Oh, Deku, you’re back already?” She asked, trying to disguise the shock in her voice. Thinly veiled, painted over with politeness in a way he knew all too well. The customer service voice was like the landlord special of communication, skirting around and covering up the real issues.

He knew it was for his benefit. She was gentle and kind, but he couldn’t handle it. He didn’t feel like he deserved gentle. He didn’t have the capacity to accept kindness, didn’t know how to hold it while already juggling so much. But he wasn’t mean.

“Yep,” he replied, trying to muster up a smile. Tight-lipped, but passable. “Sorry about the disruption, Jane, but I’ll be pretty busy now, so don’t let anyone in. Thanks!” He rushed out before all but diving into the sanctity of his office.

“But—“ he heard her start just as he closed his door, locking it for good measure.

Izuku sighed, slumping against the door with his head down. He felt like crying. He felt small again. How could a man who had accomplished so much, who drew so many eyes, feel so minuscule unto himself? It was hard to live like this, feeling bad for feeling bad, for complaining when he had such privilege and responsibility. There was no end.

“Hey, squirt,” he heard a gruff voice say.

Startled, he shot up, being met with the sight of Bakugou standing near his desk.

“Wh—how did you know I would be here?” He stammered, floored by his friend’s presence and immediately sobered. “Also, I told you to stop calling me that, because—“

Bakugou cut him off, “It’s gross and weird, I know.” He snickered, his shit-eating grin somehow a sight for Izuku’s sore eyes at that moment. “Your mom called me,” he explained, and Izuku cursed to himself quietly.

He should have known. Mama Inko always needed a spy on the inside to make sure he wasn’t lying about being okay. Which, to her credit: he was totally lying about being okay.

“She said you were coming back here today and asked me to make sure you weren’t throwing up and pissing everywhere," he said, and Izuku raised a questioning eyebrow at that.

“My words, not hers,” Bakugou continued. “And you haven’t puked yet, which is a good sign I guess, but do I spy a little pee running down your leg?” He taunted, making his way closer to his green-haired companion to place a large, gloved hand over his face.

Izuku groaned, prying Bakugou’s hand off of him, “Why do you always have to be so gross? And do you ever wash your gloves?”

His friend scoffed in response, “Tch. Haven't you heard I smell like caramel?"

Izuku shuddered, "Caramelized onion maybe. Go take a bath."

Bakugou gave him a long, pointed look before speaking again," So you're really gonna be okay this time, eh?"

Izuku felt his eyebrows furrow in confusion, knowing his expression was probably all too readable to his friend of many years, at least if his stupid smirk was anything to go by.

"What do you mean?" he said indignantly. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"You look like you're here," Bakugou started, "and you may even feel like you're here," he continued, giving Izuku just enough of a shove to make him lose his balance momentarily.

"Hey–" he started to protest, stopping when Bakugou jabbed at his forehead, right between the eyes.

"But up here, you're somewhere else. And usually, you stay there longer," he explained, pulling his hand back to cross his arms, "but you're coming back to us. I can tell 'cause you sound like an idiot again–less deranged, though–but still stupid. I'm way past hoping you'll give up on being perfect or whatever, but you're making a little more sense than you were when I came by your apartment," he said, rolling his eyes as he continued, "Ya know, before you so rudely kicked me out and left me arguing with the fuckin' door. Anyway, that's a good enough sign for me to tell your mom not to get her panties in a twist," he finished.

"Because you care so much," Izuku stressed the words, "I am fine, just like I said when you barged into my apartment before," he paused. Then, with a face of disgust and exasperation, he screeched, "And can you not talk about my mom's panties?"

"Yeah, yeah," Bakugou relented. "How 'bout that neighbor chick that lives next to ya?" he smirked. "Bet hers have little cherries on 'em. And let me tell ya, they were all tied up in knots over you."

Izuku froze, feeling his ears get hot with a blush as your face came to mind–all pinched up in concern–and he immediately stared at his shoes.

"My neighbor?" he asked in disbelief, "When did you talk to her?" He peeked up.

Bakugou grinned, knowing he had struck gold with this line of conversation, "After you locked me out of your place. She came home and saw me arguing away with your closed door–asked if you were okay."

"And?" Izuku prompted, watching as his friend shoved his hands in his pockets so nonchalantly, like he didn't just say something potentially life-ruining. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Bakugou shrugged, watching Izuku's mouth open in shock. "Didn't know you had the hots for her. Not just gonna give some creep info on you in your time of dire need."

Izuku must have visibly deflated, because he continued, "Don't implode; I wasn't mean to her. She looked all...concerned and shit, so you still got a shot."

Izuku sighed, half-relieved that he didn't scare you off and half-annoyed by his friend's tendency to be nosy.

"She's just nice, okay?" He asserted. "Not that you're ever gonna shut up about this, regardless of what I say," he groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. "And don't talk about her panties either," he ordered.

Bakugou mockingly put his hands up in defeat, "Got it, squirt. I'm heading out now, anyway, now that I've busted up your pity party," he gestured vaguely as he headed toward the door. "I'll tell your mom you haven't keeled over and died yet," he said finally.

He unlocked the door and started to turn the handle as Izuku went to his desk and took a seat, newly determined and ready to get to work.

Bakugou opened the door and began to step out, pausing as he said, "I'm glad you're better now. Than you were that day, I mean." He then added, without any real bite, "Won't have to pick up your slack."

And Izuku didn't know what to say. He nodded, and the other man left. Slumping in his chair, Izuku breathed deeply, not feeling as much of the weight that had been there before, but deep down, he knew that calling himself 'better' was too generous. He understood, though.

The last time he saw Bakugou was right after he had gotten home. Post-incident, post-bullet wound–could you blame him for not making sense? And he was so angry. Just so angry, like he hadn't been in a long time. His friend had come by to try to put an early end to his downward spiral, but he wouldn't listen to any of it. He couldn't. It's like his eyes and ears and, hell, his entire head had been filled with cotton. There had been one time like it in the past, a time that Bakugou had bore witness to just how much the job really affected Izuku.

A few years back, fresh out of school, they had been called on to a kidnapping case. This girl in a small town had disappeared, and people feared it might have been the work of a trafficking ring from a nearby city. They were right. The two of them managed to infiltrate the house that they had been holding the girl hostage in. They even found her.

Izuku still remembers how he had scooped her up, promising that she would be safe again. Promising that she would feel safe again. Bakugou had been fighting close by, securing their exit, a plan they had become accustomed to by then.

They both agreed that Izuku was better at the hands-on rescuing stuff, a more calming presence during a really traumatic time for the victims they saved. And Bakugou was doing what he did best, fighting with an almost reckless abandon. They were almost out, the majority of the suspects involved had been subdued either on the way in or by Bakugou's hands on the way out. But they missed one.

They missed a man who waited for them right at the top of the stairs, one who shot without hesitation. The bullet should have hit Izuku right in the chest, but he was holding the girl he had promised to save. It hit her instead, saving his life but ending hers almost instantly.

It wasn't instant, though. And he remembers how she had looked up at him, with shock, disbelief, pain, and fear. But more than that, he remembered the look of hope. And he doesn't know if it was confusion, or ill-advised optimism that would never cease despite the odds, but she spoke her last words to him then.

"Don't worry," she had choked out, with a smile and the tears on her cheeks that betrayed it.

"Deku will save us."

Izuku felt too warm, trying to shake his head to rid himself of the memory.

"Work," he reminded himself. "Work, work."

He knew that his best chance of preventing anything like that from happening again was to stop it before it started. He had to find the evil in the world and snuff it out before it could spread. But evil doesn't exist in a vacuum.

Evil is born and raised. It's shut out, dealt a bad hand. Loved or unloved; seen or unseen. Evil is a product of generations of the product of an evening. It can sometimes be found in minds and hearts, but always in places it shouldn't be.

It had been hard for Izuku to learn that evil wouldn't be going anywhere despite his best efforts. Like the the night to the day, it just is. He didn't know if it was necessary, and understood that ultimately, he would not be the one to decide. He could only be evil's consequence, but that had consequences for him as well. Everything balanced out, one way or another. All he could do was try to tip the scales in favor of the righteous and the good.

He spent the next few hours pouring over any and all footage from the incident, as well as witness testimonies. From that, he could gather a decent description of the second perpetrator despite his face being partially obscured. The guy was too coward to even show his face, so he'd worn sunglasses and a baseball cap. He did, however, neglect to cover the tattoos that covered his arms, and some were familiar.

At this point, Izuku had seen criminals of all kinds, and was starting to be able to tell who ran with who just based on their tattoos and general demeanor. But while these looked familiar, he couldn't exactly place them. They were slightly different than those of the main gang that ran in his area, so he decided he would send an enhanced (as enhanced as possible based on grainy footage from the scene) photograph of the tattoo he was looking at to both Dynamight and Shouto's agencies. Maybe they would recognize it.

There wasn't much else to go on at the moment, so as difficult as it was, Izuku turned back to the less pressing but very necessary task of filing reports from past cases. Cases--at times very loosely called so--could mean anything from a traffic violation to a minor dispute. Of which, there were many, especially in a big city. It wasn't glamorous, but it was work that needed doing. And, in his absence, the reports had started to pile up.

"Alright," he said, cracking his knuckles. "Paperwork."

To Izuku, the minutes seemed to pass more quickly than usual, which was probably due to the fact that he could basically hear the humming of his heartbeat. His leg was bouncing too, unconsciously, a dull anxiety nipping at his throat while his heart turned over in his chest. His vital organs thrumming with energy made him feel connected to the moment in a way he wished he could reject. It came out of nowhere, that thief of focus. Not completely unwelcome, but uncomfortable in a way that made him start to realize the sweat on his skin and the scratch of his collar.

He had been productive, at least, and had burned through the daylight. He checked the time, eyes growing a bit when he realized how long he had been working. He was completely caught up on paperwork and had even started to get ahead on some things, so he should've known that he had gone way beyond working hours.

He packed his things and left, noticing how he seemed to be the last one in the office. Jane had really taken it to heart when he asked not to be bothered. In some ways, he was relieved. He felt like he'd had enough conversation for the day, so he found a guilty pleasure in walking out in silence. It seemed that even the camera and news crews had taken their leave, and Izuku let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

Once he arrived home, he had only just turned the key when your door was thrown open. He flinched, visibly startled, before taking you in.

You looked flustered as you rushed out, "Oh, did I scare you? I'm sorry." Sheepishly you added, "I totally wasn't waiting for you to come home or anything. Just wanted to...look...at the hallway." You nodded then, as if trying to convince yourself, "You know, for fresh air..."

Izuku laughed, slightly confused, but like felt that was the right move.

"Do you want to come over?" You asked suddenly, and he saw something hopeful swimming in your eyes, which were much more open now than the last time he had seen you. He was thankful for that.

Before he could even agree, you said, "I promise I won't fall asleep on you this time."

He really laughed at that as he nodded, "Sure. Give me 10 minutes? I just need to put my stuff away and change."

"No," you whined playfully, slipping back into your apartment. "Don't change. I like you how you are!"

Izuku just laughed at your antics as your door closed, glad to see you much more full of energy. He hoped you were able to get the rest you needed, but knew that fixing that level of deprivation would take a bit of time. You can't catch up on sleep, after all.

#anime #my hero academia #mha #farawaytalks #mha fic #bnha #izuku midoriya #bnha fic #deku #farawaywrites #my hero academy fanfiction #boku no hero acedamia #deku x reader #bnha deku #mha deku #izuku angst #izuku midoria x reader #izuku x reader #izuku x y/n

[thedisablednaturalist]

If you have mysterious chronic pain and have the means, here's a list of doctors you should see other than your primary and a rheumatologist:

Neurologist and/or sleep specialist

Pain management doctor (also sometimes called pain and spine doctor)

Therapist that specializes in helping physically disabled people (having chronic illness sucks and you need someone to talk to)

Psychiatrist (most people with chronic illness also need psychiatric meds)

Physical therapy or rehabilitation center that specifically has procedures for chronic illnesses. My chiropractor acts as this for me but I'd only recommend that as a last resort. If you have something like fibromyalgia or ehler dahlos syndrome you need to be very careful with how you stretch and how much exercise you do. My chiropractor has special exercise equipment that is very gentle and has a lot of padding to reduce pain.

ENT (Ears, nose, throat doctor)

Nutritionist

A primary care doctor will at most only perform blood tests. Many illnesses do not show up on these blood tests. You want to get checked for rheumatoid arthritis, lyme disease, and lupus. Even if your doctor tells you it's because your vitamin d level or iron is too low, I would still recommend further testing.

They'll most likely refer you to a rheumatologist regardless, but unless you actually have arthritis I wouldn't rely on them too much. Mine charged too much for a 10 minute appointment where all she did was give me meds and would not discuss any other treatment or management options. She also laughed at me when I asked about a mobility device. It might just be I had a bad experience but it seems like those doctors are just given chronic illness patients cause no one else wants them.

You need to get your spine looked at. An MRI is essential. At the very least get an xray of your neck and spine. A neurologist or pain + spine doctor will most likely order one.

Neurologists will check your nerves and brain function. They'll check if your nerves are overly sensitive or unresponsive. You'll get stabbed and shocked a lot.

Pain and spine doctors are the ones who will give you pain medicine. It will not be immediate. They will need to examine you (MRI) and try other medications and treatments first. This is because insurance is not going to pay for stronger drugs until you've exhausted other options. You'll most likely start with something like duloxotine, gabapentin, prescription NSAIDs, and/or muscle relaxers. Once my results came in from the MRI I was given steroid shots in my spine. They will give them in different spots first to see which spot is most effective, so don't worry if it only works one time and not the others. I cannot stress the importance of having this type of doctor on your care team. Being able to have the power to manage my pain has helped so much. This is also the doctor that signed my form for my handicapped parking permit.

Sleep studies are expensive, but sleep is extremely important for your quality of life. So many people have sleep apnea and don't know it. CPAP machines today are really quiet and comfortable. This will be essential for tackling chronic fatigue.

An ENT doctor is only if you end up having sleep apnea or have any issues with your sinuses. I had to go and get my nose fixed because even with my cpap I still wasn't getting enough air.

You need to have some way of moving your body. Only do this after you are already on a treatment plan. It's hard to do things like exercise when you are still dealing with pain and fatigue. Doctors will want you to do physical therapy first but that's not a good idea because you won't stick with it due to pain. You need to deal with the underlying problems before working on stuff like exercise and nutrition. Able bodied young people who don't exercise and don't eat well are not in constant pain, so you shouldn't be either. If they tell you to lose weight drop the doctor, that's a cop out response.

I haven't reached the step to get a nutritionist, but changing what foods you eat and when can really help with pain management. You also may find that something you eat is exacerbating your symptoms.

With my insurance plan I can pretty much call up a doctor and make an appointment without a referral. I know some plans need referrals, so either call your insurance for one or get your primary care doctor to give you one. Idk how this works for medicare but I think you can just make an appointment with anyone who takes medicare.

I have not been able to obtain a script for a mobility device from any of my doctors. If you have a type of doctor you'd recommend for that please chime in. I've heard occupational therapists are the way to go though but still need to look into that myself.

Also do not feel bad if you cannot afford these. It is not your fault. Healthcare especially in the USA fucking sucks. This is mostly only useful for people who are in the investigative stage who have insurance. I'm not saying "oh just do yoga". Your pain is not your fault, and it can take a long time to figure out a plan that's right for you. I didn't know what doctors I was supposed to see when I started out, and was just given to a rheumatologist since there isn't a fibromyalgia doctor. I only had blood tests at that point. Hopefully this helps people save time and make sure they can fully investigate the cause of their pain (or at least how to manage it better)

#chronic disability #chronic pain #spoonie #fibromyalgia #disability #ehlers danlos syndrome #eds #chronic fatigue syndrome #cfs #POTS #pots syndrome #if a doctor mentions your weight within the first 10 minutes of the exam get out if there #especially if they havent even done any testing or looked at you yet

[kira-fluff]

𝖑𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖙𝖔 𝖑𝖔𝖛𝖊 || 𝖙𝖆𝖎𝖏𝖚 𝖘𝖍𝖎𝖇𝖆

pairing: single!dad!taiju shiba x fem!teacher!reader tw: suggestive (fluff to smut), shower sex, taiju being a service dom, adhd!child (cuz taiju has adhd change my mind), language, references to tokyo rev [spoilers] about taiju's back story and arc, mentions of therapy because no one talks about taiju's redemption for some reason, dead spouse, guilt, mentions of god bc taiju is canonically very religious, virgin!reader, handjob/bj a/n: so fun fact i'm an education major lmfao and i love taiju so much this was a shameless word vomit because i love my major and taiju aight - yes i changed the formatting again sorry lol also omggg we're almost to 2k followers i can't believe it!

every classroom has at least one student that you liked to call "the student you loved the most". this student was typically the student with the most behavioral issues in your classroom. this term, "the student you loved the most" wasn't sarcastic - you recognized that these students were often really the ones who needed the most love.

one of the most important things you learned while running your kindergarten classroom was that the behaviors you saw in the classroom did not reflect the child's character, but rather, their poor coping skills with something going on in their life.

the same could be said about one of your students - koji shiba. he was truly such a bright child, yet not only did he struggle with attention deficit disorder, but he frequently disrupted recess with physical fights with other boys his age. you frequently wrestled with how to handle his struggles. on one hand, you understood that these outbursts stemmed from his adhd... but you were almost certain there was something else that you weren't seeing. however, your meeting with his parents was arriving quickly.

koji sat next to you at recess, a bruised elbow and a bleeding knee (all patched up now, thankfully, because you started bringing a first aid kit to recess). he was scowling, looking down at the ground with his arms crossed.

you kneeled down to look at him at the same level, "koji, could you tell me what happened?"

"he was lookin' at me like i was stupid."

you eyed him for a moment before showing concern, "koji, do you remember what i said we should do when we are having big emotions?"

he avoided your gaze, turning his head away from you as he replied, "nuh-uh."

you gave a patient smile, "when we have big emotions, we don't have to handle them all by ourselves. do you know why?"

he shook his head.

you continued, "because otherwise, those big emotions get bigger and bigger until we can't handle them anymore because they're so heavy!"

he looked pensive for a moment before saying, "'m sorry i punched him. i didn't mean it."

"i know you didn't, your big emotions just got a little too heavy. but who do you think you should be apologizing to right now?"

he lowered his head, pointing toward the boy who was running around the playground with a big bandage on his cheek. with an encouraging nod from you, he slid off the bench, making his way over to the boy. you watched from afar to ensure that both boys were safe, smiling as you saw koji sheepishly apologize to the boy with his head down, scuffing the sand with his foot. from what you could read from the other boy's body language, he seemed like he didn't mind too much, offering a smile and shrug and even inviting koji to play.

sometime later that day, koji came up to you with a big grin on his face. tapping your arm gently, you turned to him as he said, "miss y/l/n, you're my favorite teacher. i like you."

you held back a laugh at his cuteness (and the fact that you're the only teacher he's ever had). "thank you koji, that means a lot." you ruffled his hair, "i'm so excited to tell your parents what good choices you made today!"

"oh, it's just me and dad."

your eyes widened and you quickly searched his eyes for any signs of sadness or uncomfortability. however, he seemed rather relaxed and even unbothered, though you supposed sometimes kids weren't able to fully process things like that at this age.

you decided to reply in kind, "what's dad like? is he as cool as you?"

you beamed as his eyes lit up, "oh yeah! dad is super cool! maybe even cooler than me! he used to beat up tons of guys.. but he says i better not because that's not nice. dad was in a gang when he was younger so he could beat up all the other kids' dads if they try to mess with me!" he replied proudly, puffing out his chest.

you laughed outright at that, "he does sound pretty cool."

"yeah, and he's single!"

you nearly choked on your own spit. this parent-teacher conference was going to be interesting, you knew that for sure. a former gang member? you couldn't help your mind wander to what he looked like, imaging tattoos, piercings, and the like.

[taiju's pov]

koji had been going on and on about his teacher since the first day of school. it was a different story every day but usually included the same statements: "she's so pretty!", "she's so nice", "she lets me play with my pencil during lessons to help me listen", "she didn't yell at me when i wasn't paying attention" - all things considered, she sounded like a great teacher. which was good because, well, for most of koji's life he didn't have a mother figure. his aunt who would've been present otherwise was currently in college (as she should be!) and wasn't near our home. but, i think koji felt an absence without his mother, even if he never said anything or didn't even realize it.

it wasn't long after koji was born that we lost her to a car accident on her way to her first day back at work from maternity leave. there wasn't any use in blamin' myself for it anymore and god knows how much fuckin' money i've spent on therapy just trying to fix myself even before all that shit happened.

i swore after the way that i treated hakkai and yuzuha that i'd fix myself and never do that to my family ever again. i struggled for years with unbearable self-hatred at the way i'd treated them. even then, it's a struggle i have to bear because at the end of the day, my therapist says i gotta be kind to myself, too, or some bullshit like that. that i "had a lot on my back as the oldest" and that i "didn't learn good copin' mechanisms". wasn't diagnosed with adhd and a trauma disorder until i was fuckin' 30. still, to me it sounded all like excuses.. still does if i'm honest.

she was the one who taught me to see past myself - past my past self and instead look toward livin' in the present. my late wife was the one who brought me back from the hell i was livin' in day in and day out, and i'll never forget her for that.

my thoughts were interrupted by my son.

"dad, why are we goin' back to school during nighttime?"

"'s time for the meetin' between your teacher and me," i smiled, turning toward koji who started skipping excitedly.

i've met his teacher once before, but only for a moment as introductions were done at the beginning of the year to make sure koji got his school supplies. embarrassingly, though, i could barely remember what she looked like.

"you're mr. shiba, right? sorry, i'm still trying to connect all of the names to faces," you smiled, bowing to greet koji's father.

"big" was an understatement. this man was massive. you mustn't have realized it last time because you were speaking to a whole crowd of parents from the front of the classroom while they were all sitting, but holy shit, this guy is enormous. similar to your image of a gang member, mr. shiba sported tattoos along his neck that likely trailed down to his chest from what you could see from his suit. no piercings though, contrary to your imagery, however. he must be at least 6'4 from what you could see and incredibly muscular.

realizing you were staring, you cleared your throat awkwardly and motioned for him to take a seat as you took yours, toji following suit as well. your cheeks flushed as you noticed a hint of a smirk on his face as he took his seat.

you folded your hands on top of your desk. "first of all, i wanted to just say that koji is an incredibly intelligent and gifted young man." you smiled toward koji, "but we're still working on making the right choice, however, when we have really big feelings."

mr. shiba raised an eyebrow, "so, he's been actin' up?" he turned toward his son with an expression that clearly said "we'll talk about this later", to which koji shrunk in his chair.

you leaned in closer, raising your voice a little, "i-i want to clarify that after koji and i talk after he makes a mistake, he tries his very best to fix it and make the right choice, mr. shiba."

"you can call me taiju. i've heard about some of the hittin' stuff from the principal, but is there more?"

"sometimes he struggles with paying attention in class, but this is something we are working on as a team, as you know. he is able to do mathematics at least two grade levels above his peers, so i think as long as we continue to practice redirection techniques he'll continue to succeed."

the conversation continued on longer than you anticipated, and you were grateful then that taiju and koji were your last meeting of the day. the conversation went from speaking of koji's behavior and overall developmental and academic success to things of a more casual nature. taiju, you found, was incredibly sweet. he had a way of getting you to laugh when you least expected it. koji got bored pretty early on in the conversation and began to color at his desk instead. taiju showed a great amount of courtesy, smiling softly while you talked and nodding along as you spoke.

in a moment of silence in your conversation, you looked at the clock and realized that it was already seven o'clock.

"oh, i guess it's getting rather late. thank you so much for meeting with me mr. shi-- taiju," you laughed, "and i look forward to seeing how koji grows this year!"

"pleasures all ours, right koji?" the little boy nodded enthusiastically as taiju moved him toward the classroom exit door. just as he was about to move through the threshold, he turned around once more.

"...have ya eaten yet?"

you looked up from your notes, startled, "dinner? ah, i had a late lunch..."

he eyed you for a moment, "... do ya wanna get dinner? ...with koji and i? on me, of course."

"oh, i couldn't impose on you.."

"ya wouldn't be imposin', i offered."

you mulled it over for a moment then replied, "well, if you insist.."

following your impromptu dinner, you and taiju seemed to get closer. he had your number already because it was on the teacher-parent relationship form he'd received from the beginning of the year, but you'd found each other in the habit of texting each other almost every day. little did you know, this was something out of the ordinary for taiju, as he was rarely on his phone unless he needed it for business work.

taiju didn't know when it started, but that feeling he had once felt with his late wife... it was back.

he knew it was because of you. and that feeling - peace - was something that had seemed too foreign for so many years. the moment he met you again.. saw the way you were looking at him up and down, he knew that he was already falling for you. it was strange because taiju usually didn't let people in very easily, but with you, it was as if all his walls came down immediately. after months of spending time with you, seeing how you treated his son like he was your own.. he knew he couldn't ever let you go. he had to have you. and it was at that moment he knew he was in love.

but... did he really deserve you? he already felt that perhaps god wasn't going to give him another chance after his first love left this world. but slowly, he decided that made it was ok to be selfish again. that maybe if it was you, god would forgive him for wanting more. he reasoned that you would be such a great mom to koji some day, if you loved him back.

if you loved him back.

taiju was blind to the way you longingly gazed at him, wishing for something more. you wrestled with the ethical reasons first. was it wrong to date one of your student's fathers? after wrestling with that issue and your heart one, it was on to another challenge. what if he didn't like you back? after all, he'd opened up to you about his late wife.. explaining that she was no longer in this world... would his heart be ready and open to love someone else again? maybe he was just extremely kind, though you couldn't ignore the way you sometimes caught him looking at you... but you reasoned that it must be something you were trying to see rather than reality.

everything changed one night.

"thanks for tonight, again... i had fun." you shyly brushed away a stray hair behind your ear as you stood at taiju's doorstep. you'd had yet another one of your little "dinners" ("dates"?) with taiju as koji was at hakkai's for the night.

taiju remained silent, staring down at you. his eyes flicking between your own, and down at your lips. self-consciously, you licked them, swallowing in the uncomfortable silence.

"...is everything okay, taiju?"

his brows furrowed, "....can't..back.....you..."

you raised an eyebrow, moving closer, "what did you say taiju?"

he shuffled his feet closer to you, his hands ghosting over your hips, asking permission. "...i can't hold back anymore with you..."

you placed your hands over his, moving them securely onto your hips as you leaned even closer. "you don't need to hold back, taiju.." you stared at him, eyes hooded with desire.

he sucked in a deep breath, "i hope you know what you're gettin' yourself into."

you carded your hands gently through his hair, then ran them down his cheeks.

he searched your face for any indication of protest before he held more firmly to your waist. then, he leaned in, though he couldn't help himself, and did so rather rapidly, crashing his lips into yours. you felt something stir in your stomach as his lips pressed against yours and a moan escaped your mouth, thus allowing him entrance into your mouth. you felt his wet tongue roam around your mouth in between breathy pants and sharp curses. he moved in closer to you, one of his knees sliding in between your legs as he pushed you up against the door of his home, only the sounds of your moans and his curses between the two of you.

you couldn't hold back any longer, either, as you began to grind your clothed cunt against his black slacks, eliciting a sharp heave from taiju.

"fuck, just like that..." he breathed out between pants, once more encasing your lips in his.

you whimpered as you felt his hands lightly skim below the hem of your shirt. you leaned even closer, if that was at all possible, whispering a soft, "please" in his ear.

he growled, picking you up by the back of your knees and hauling you over his shoulder as you yelped in surprise. he hurriedly thrust open the door to his home, lugging you to his bedroom. he then placed you down, standing up just near the edge of his bed.

he drank in the sight of you as he reached toward his belt, preparing to unbuckle it, when you covered your hand over his.

"wait... can... can i?"

his eyebrows rose as a smirk grew on his face, "ya don't have to ask me twice."

he moved in closer to continue to kiss you as you fumbled to unbuckle his belt, then slide his slacks down his legs. while you continued your ministrations, he worked at unbuttoning your blouse. he could scarcely breathe as he took in the beautiful sight of your tits as they bounced free from your bra - a laced one - he noted. you were so beautiful.

"don't know what i did 't deserve this.."

"taiju, you don't ever need to earn love."

he kissed you again, moving his hands down to trace the outline of your ass. you were wearing a skirt, much to his pleasure, so he slipped his fingers under the hem, skirting his fingers against your thighs.

"jesus, fuck, yer already so fucking wet."

you moaned as his dexterous fingers moved between your thighs, then up toward your waistline, yanking your panties down to your knees.

without an ounce of hesitation, he stuffed a finger into your needy hole, groaning as he felt you clamp around his finger. he then began thrusting in and out of your cunt, adding another finger.

"ah, right there.." you moaned, feeling tears already pooling in your eyes.

"yer so fuckin' pretty, ya know that? so fuckin' pretty for me."

you could only whimper as you felt him continue to thrust his long fingers in and out of you with an almost inhuman speed.

suddenly, he withdrew his fingers from your drooling cunt and picked you up by your ass, tossing you gently onto the bed.

"i can make you feel even better than that," he promised.

without any other warning, he readjusted so his head was just between your legs, and began slowly licking at your wetness, using his finger to flick your clit.

"you taste so fuckin' good," he moaned, "'m already so fuckin' hard for you and i haven't even taken off yer damn skirt yet," he noted as your skirt had merely been pushed further above you, resting a few inches below your tits.

his mouth worked wonders as he lapped at your cunt, drinking you up as you moaned your praises while you gripped his hair tightly. he continued to drink you up as you shook with pleasure until you gripped his hair a little tighter, "taiju, taiju 'm close!"

you cried as he pulled back, your juices covering his face.

he let out a soft chuckle, "don't worry, darlin'. 's okay if i...?"

"yes, yes, please, taiju," you begged, bucking your hips up to try to convey your need and desire.

his eyes were nearly black with lust and he slipped off his boxers. and goddammit, you took in his rock-hard cock, and you weren't sure if you'd be able to take it. everything about this man was massive from his broad shoulders and wide chest that was covered in tattoos.. to even his fat cock, dripping with precum. it was red-hot as he guided it to your hole. you clenched tightly just around the tip and he sucked in a deep breath.

"jesus, doll, 'm not even half-way in," he quipped.

"i-i.. don't know if it's.. gonna fit, taiju," you worried.

"i'll be slow, if ya worried... shit, are you a virgin?"

you blushed a deep red, turning away and nodding.

"fuck, i didn't think i could get any harder. look at what ya do to me, doll."

you slowly turned, looking once more at his angry red rip. you could practically feel his heartbeat inside of you as he pushed deeper into you, ever so slowly. the deeper he went, the closer he leaned into you, readjusting as he took you into his arms.

"y-you can go faster now, taiju.."

sweat was dripping off of him as he tentatively asked, "ya sure?"

you nodded, "'m ready for you."

he couldn't have held back even if he tried after hearing you say that and he began immediately thrusting into you, his pace quickly gaining speed.

"ah-AH taiju!" you called his name, and he let out another groan, thrusting into you harder. you felt so hot..it was unlike any other sensation you'd ever felt before. the tight knot in your belly coiled further almost toward its breaking point.

and all at once, you shouted out his name, cumming onto his cock as he continued to thrust into you, attentively slowing his pace for a moment. just the sound of your yelps of his name, your moans of pleasure, it was enough to make him go insane. he'd never admit to you the hundreds of times he'd woken up in a sweat in his bed, his cock hardened as he dreamt of fucking you until you saw stars. he'd imagined how you'd sound, but nothing could compare to the sweet sound of reality. you were so fucking beautiful. the thought alone was enough to make him let out a loud moan before he quickly pulled out, releasing his seed into the bed sheets. he couldn't help it as his lips met your own sloppily as he muttered praise and curses, telling you just how lovely you are.

"let's clean you up, yeah?"

you nodded shyly, following him to the bathroom where he turned on the shower. you took the opportunity as he was turned around to hug him tightly from behind, muttering a quiet, "i love you."

he froze and for a moment you thought he was uncomfortable before he replied just as softly, "i love you too. so much."

the shower was warm against your hot skin, and you nearly melted as taiju worked at rubbing the shampoo into your hair gently. gaining a bit of confidence, you smiled mischievously and let your hand wander down to his cock. you were pleased to find it was already semi-hard. he took in a sharp breath, "quit teasin' me."

you turned around, letting the water wash the shampoo out of your hair as you replied, "i wanna make you feel good, too."

you swore his brain short-circuited what with the way his eyes bulged out of his head, eyebrows raised nearly to his hairline. however, just as quickly, a smug grin overtook his surprise. "gettin' bold already?"

not allowing him a chance to one-up you, you dropped to your knees, grasping his fat, drooling cock in your hand. you laughed as you heard him nearly choke in shock.

you gave his cock a few pumps before replacing your hand with your mouth, teasing the tip with your tongue as you heard him groan loudly from above you. you hummed, the vibrations sending chills down his body as you leaned further onto his cock, taking him in your mouth. he sighed breathily, stroking your hair and muttering, "just like that... yer so perfect..."

you hollowed out your cheeks, trying your best to take him fully. taiju, on the other hand, tried to be conscious of you, but he couldn't help thrusting his hips into you, causing you to gag. how the fuck were you so good at this?

you continued to suck him off and, unsurprisingly, taiju couldn't hold on for very long (he was beginning to realize in almost every case he couldn't hold back when it came to you). he made sure to warn you that he was about to cum, letting his seed splatter onto the shower floor.

"yer so good to me, doll. i hope ya know how much i love you."

you awoke to tangled limbs and messy hair and above all, perfection. everything was just right. taiju slept softly next to you, his strong arms embracing you tightly as you slept together.

maybe one more hour couldn't hurt.

a/n: lmfao remember when i only wrote fluff? lmfaooooo anywhere here's this shit

#tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers x reader smut #taiju shiba x reader #taiju shiba x reader smut #taiju smut #taiju shiba #tokyo rev headcanons #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev smut #tokyo rev fluff #tokyorev x reader #taiju shiba fluff #fem!reader

[ikamigami]

I miss Old Moon. At this point, Old Moon was nicer to everyone than New Moon is. He sympathized with villains, he actually CHECKED IN on his family- kept them in the loop about things- Told his brother that he loved him more than once every six months!!!

I WANT to like New Moon, but they're making it harder and harder to continue doing so.

And I think with Earth's therapy sessions going on, Old Moon could work through his anger issues & other trauma.

No one was given time to grieve. No one gets to talk about him because it makes New Moon uncomfortable- hhhhh How am I supposed to finish this "Sun-gets-hurt-BAD" fic if I can't bring myself to LIKE THIS GUY anymore?!

Old Moon wasn't bad person. That's for sure. But he was very abusive towards Sun. He loved Sun but he was showing it rarely. And believe me when I say that but I'm sure that Old Moon would totally blame Sun for what happened last year. Because OM already was acting as if the trauma he had to endure was Sun's fault. I don't miss Old Moon that much because he was unable to change towards Sun. And in my eyes it's important because Sun was the closest person to OM for goodness sake! And yet he treated villains with more understanding and compassion than his own brother. Nothing can excuse the abuse he inflicted on Sun. Showrunners were showing us times and times again that OM was unable to change towards Sun to the point that I didn't want to watch the episodes with him...

New Moon is like total opposite to Old Moon. I mean his actions are a total opposite cause he really is showing Sun that he cares about him more than Old Moon but when it comes to villains he treats them awfully. There's zero understanding and compassion towards them. Yes, New Moon doesn't realise that his actions affect Sun badly but because his paranoia is blinding him. I'm happy that New Moon doesn't blame Sun for anything that happened. Also New Moon is willing to change but he's too much focused on being not like Old Moon plus his paranoia is getting in the way.

Old Moon and New Moon has so much in common and yet they're so so different. New Moon has his flaws but I think that his willingness to change will help him change. Both of them realise the issues they have but Old Moon didn't want to do anything about that. He was unwilling to change. New Moon on the other hand is trying to be better. He's taking some actions towards that. The problem is that the actions he's taking are not the best.

And Solar the only one person who spends the most time with New Moon besides Sun is unable to stop Moon in his tracks because he is similar in the regard of paranoia and how he treats villains. Both Solar and Moon don't care about villains. Solar is just more calm. Which I believe that Old Moon would have similar approach.

Idk if Earth would be able to help Old Moon. He should had to be willing to take action towards bettering himself. And OM had really hard time with that.

I'm certainly mad at New Moon for being too pissed off at Sun for lying to him that he didn't care even to listen to Sun. But at least New Moon can apologize to others! Unlike Old Moon. He apologize to Sun once and it still was not that good. But I'm totally mad that he didn't apologize to Sun in his last message! Vsjabsksks

Both Old Moon and New Moon are pretty much egotistic individuals and that's why Old Moon was focused too much on his own pain and trauma to the point that he didn't care about Sun's well-being. Sun's psychotic episode wouldn't be that bad if Old Moon was taking care of Sun better. New Moon on the other hand can't extend his compassion towards villains. His compassion ends on his family. I think that it's understandable. He needs more time to learn how to be more sympathetic towards villains. But we need to understand that New Moon doesn't have any reasons to learn that. In his eyes it's pointless. They're villains who hurt his family so he doesn't have any sympathy for them.

But I think that if New Moon was shown why it's better to treat others even if they're villains more nicely, he would do that. I'm almost 100% sure that he'll learn things the hard way by losing Sun because of his bad decisions.

Anyway New Moon has flaws but I'd take him over Old Moon any day.

People can still like and prefer Old Moon and dislike New Moon. I also had a time when I was angry at New Moon with the way he was towards Sun. But when I understand him more now I can't help but to feel sympathy towards him. Unlike with Old Moon whom I tried to give benefit of doubt at first but later I found myself unable to sympathise with him. I don't hate OM though. But I'm honestly glad that the reset happened. Even if I really wanted for Old Moon to change towards Sun I doubt that he would be able. And Sun is affected by Old Moon's abuse to this day. And it still affects Sun the most. More than any other experience in his life.

Another important thing is that both Old Moon and New Moon has questionable morals but I think that people are seeing that more in New Moon because he hates their blorbo villains. On the other hand I still see that some people don't see how much Old Moon was abusive towards Sun which irks me tbh...

It seems that we have to agree to disagree. But that's okay with me ^^

In addition I say that New Moon's experience is pretty similar to New BM's and now New Eclipse's because all of them had their past be shown to them. They experienced their past in third person's p.o.v. It's very interesting and I think that it's intentional.

#ask #ask answered #mutual asks #sun and moon show #sams #sams moon #sun and moon show moon #sams sun #sun and moon show sun #sams solar #laes earth #tw abuse #tw paranoia

[squirmhoney]

Dependency Issues - Part Five

A/N: Another part. I really do want to warn that this chapter is darker than most of the others so read with caution. Also do not worry there will be another chapter, probably a few more. Warnings: Dark. Non Con. Dub Con. Incest. Manipulation. Coercive behaviour (at times) Full on smut. Dependency Issues. (like reader has some serious issues when it comes to Aegon) Unhealthy relationship. Mean and aggressive Aegon. Angst. 18+ Pairing: Aegon Targaryen x Niece!Reader (Rhaeneyra mother and non specified father) Word Count: 2.6K

Master list Part Four Part Six

Two weeks had gone by since you had seen Aegon.

And they were the slowest two weeks of your life.

You were trying to take it one day at a time, as your therapist had told you to. But each day was blander than the day before it and it became impossible for you to even force a smile on your face.

Your mother was driving you up the wall, constantly asking if you were okay or trying to beg you to at least try.

"I am trying," you screamed at her, throwing your arms in the air.

"It doesn't seem like it," she replied, shaking her head. She was sat in her lounge chair outside, holding a glass of wine that she kept sipping on each time your anger seemed to rise. "You mope around this house day and night or sleep in your room all day. When you do spend time with us, it's like you're not even there."

"I can't force myself to be happy," you admitted, crossing your arms over your chest. Your throat hurt from the screaming, you barely even spoke these days so it definitely wasn't used to this. "I go to my therapy sessions and I stay at home like you want me to do."

"Why don't you see your friends?" She asked, shrugging her shoulders.

"How am I supposed to see them with no phone?"

That question threw her off, lips opening to speak but nothing coming out.

"You want to give me my phone back?" You questioned, tilting your head. "I'm an nineteen year old who isn't even trusted to have her phone. Because you don't trust me mum, do you?"

"I'm sorry," was all she could muster, face softening slightly. "But we both know there is something wrong with you and he doesn't make it any better."

"What if that's just it?" You chuckle humorously, biting your upper lip. "What if that's just me?"

"No, it's him," Rhaenyra is quick to snap back, growing cold at the idea of him. "He is sick in the head and he is praying on you. I should of separated you both ages ago."

"What if I'm sick in the head? What if I like the way he prays on me?"

Her face dropped, looking at you with pure disgusts as she glared at you. "I'm just so glad that he didn't do anything to you because this could have been a lot worse."

"What if I has done something to me?" You knew you were pushing your luck, seeing how far you could push her over the edge.

She was speechless, thoughts probably running through her head. Clearly Jace hadn't said anything to her and that you were glad for.

"Don't worry. He didn't touch me like that," you told her, turning away. "Your perfect daughter isn't tainted."

-

Maybe something had struck your mother in your conversation, something that made her change her mind. Or maybe she really did need to leave town and just knew there was no possible way she could drag you with her. She just had to trust you.

And to be away from her and your siblings even for a day, had your mind finally feeling slightly at ease. Until you stumbled upon the landline in the office, making the temptation real for you.

You stared at it, for the longest time. If you called him, your mother would be able to see the call on her records. Not only that but as much as you kept telling yourself that hearing his voice would make you feel better, you knew it wouldn't. You'd fall deeper into the rabbit hole, begging him to come over and see you.

That's if he did want to see you. You hadn't even thought about that, you had left things so abruptly that he might not even want to speak to you. That thought hurt you even more and the not knowing was eating away at you.

It ate away at you all day but you had long decided you weren't going to call him.

Sinking into the bathtub was the first time you found peace in those weeks. Among the heat and bubbles you could feel your mind more at ease and for a few moments you forget about everything that happened. It was just you...

Until it wasn't.

There was a loud crash downstairs and your eyes peeled open at the sudden noise, sitting up in the tub. Your ears perked up as you listened for any other noise but you were only met with silence.

You were on edge, a feeling you couldn't shake off as you got out of the bath. You your robe on, tying it before slowly leaving your bathroom. You panicked, not thinking to even grab something as you crept to your bedroom door.

You opened the door, jumping as you felt something touch your ankle. But a gentle purr had you sighing in relief, your hands quickly picking up the ball of fur by your feet.

"Syrax you scared me," you said, stroking the cat.

You were just overjoyed that clearly the old feline had knocked something over and there wasn't a break in.

The cat was quick to jump out of your arms, never one for cuddles from anyone but your mother. She scampered away heading back downstairs, leaving you in silence once again.

You walked back into your room, heartbeat finally calming down. But another crash had you twisting back, letting out a huff of frustration as you went to figure out what the cat was up to.

It wasn't the cat you were met with as you stepped out of your bedroom door but a tuft of blonde hair and a pair of wet violet eyes. In the first time in two weeks, you felt a slight tinge of happiness even if the sight of him wasn't the greatest. He looked worn down, dark circles around his eyes and pale sickly skin.

"Aegon," you whispered, a shaky breath leaving your lips before your arms wrapped around him. You clung to him tightly, thinking if you let go of him he might slip out of your grasp. "We should talk."

His arms wrapped around yours, lifting you up so you wrapped your legs around him. He held onto you with the exact same intensity you gave him, nails almost digging into your sides where his hands held you.

When you reached your bed, Aegon placed you on it, instantly following you down. His lips were on yours, not giving you a second to even think as he pushed you down on the bed. For a second you gave in, kissing him back with pure desperation. The kiss grew more heated as if he was trying to inhale your very being with how his lips moved against yours. And as much as you loved it, loved him, you pulled away needing a breath of air and the time to properly talk to him.

"Aegon, pl-"

His hands were in the back of your hair, pulling your lips on him and using his grip to keep you still. Your hands hit against his chest, trying to push off of him but he wouldn't budge. It wasn't till his tongue sank into your mouth did you finally taste the alcohol there, head twisting away at the bitter taste.

"We need to talk," you told him, voice speaking through staggered breaths. You kept your head to the side, until your breathing went back to normal.

"Why would I want to talk?" Aegon questioned, a distinct tremble in his tone, one he only got when he was distraught. "So you can tell me that you don't want me?"

"You're drunk," you realised, sighing in clear frustration.

It was practically impossible to get through to Aegon when he was drunk, you had witnessed it first hand. He became awfully cruel, not sparing anyone that got in his way in his tantrum. Even though you could normally get through to him in most situations, when he had a drink or other substances, there was no getting through to him. The only person he ever listened to was his mother, even throwing her an icy glare as she told him to go to bed.

Why would he come here in such a state?

His hand twisted in your hair, yanking your face to look at his. Not even pulling away when you yelped at him, instead only saying, "I asked you a question."

"Seriously, Aegon you're hurting me," you pleaded, hissing at the sensation of burning from his grip. "Aegon, please."

"I asked you a fucking question," his voice was louder, more demanding and quite honestly it was scaring you.

"No," you blurted out, gazing up at him now. "That's not why I want us to talk."

"Want to call me pathetic again?" he sneered, his whole body tensing on top of you.

There was a coldness in his eyes, a hollowness as if he wasn't truly staring at you. As if to him, you weren't even truly there.

You were taken back by his words and the stinging from your head wasn't making it any better. You could feel your eyes begin to water, tearing up at the realisation that you weren't going to escape whatever was about to happen.

"You're hurting me," you whimpered, a tear sliding down your face. "Please, Aegon."

"I'm hurting you," he bitterly chuckled, grinning with his teeth down at you. "I'm hurting you."

"What do you want me to say?" You let out in a chocked sob unable to keep it together any longer. "What?"

"That you love me like I love you," he hissed, hand getting tighter in your hair. "Not to throw everything we have away just because your brother found out."

"It was more than that and I was angry."

"I needed you," his tone became more high pitched as if he was about to break down and from the look of his glassy eyes, you thought he might. "What about me?"

His grip finally loosened on your hair and you instantly sat up, backing up away from him. Your breathing was so uneven as you tried calm yourself down but knowing how close he was made it hard.

"My dad died and you left me."

"What about you?" Your lips trembled as you looked over at him, the words making your stomach churn. "This whole relationship has been about you. I've done everything you wanted and all you have done is taken."

"You make it seem so one sided as if you don't get anything from it as if I have never done anything for you."

"Tell me something you've done for me. Tell me one thing."

Aegon was taken a back, opening his mouth to speak while you waited. After a few minutes he finally spoke, "I make you happy, don't I?"

"That isn't something you've done for me. That's just how you make me feel."

He shook his head, rolling his eyes as he looked away from you.

"But me I could name hundreds of things that I have done for you. I'd make you breakfast in bed when you didn't feel like eating with your parents. I'd take the blame for you when you did something awful, happy to be shouted as long as your father didn't hit you. I'd always comfort you when he was particularly cruel, even letting you use me when I didn't feel comfortable with it..."

You words were coming out shaky, tears streaming down your face. Not once did he turn to look at you, only staring at the ground.

"I let you take advantage of my vulnerability and my naive nature again and again because I loved you. Because I wanted to do anything to make sure you were happy."

Aegon didn't speak for a few moments after that, the words ringing in his ear. For that time you thought you broke through to him, hoping that if you had he would comfort you instead of being cruel.

"Took advantage of you," he was chuckling again, a nasty coolness to his tone as he pondered that thought. "Well I don't think you'd mind if I took advantage of you again."

Within a second he had you yanked down the bed, throwing himself on top of you as he shoved his lips on yours. At first shock filled you, making it easy for him to cage you in with his body weight pressed against you. Your head twisted round, his lips now on your cheek as you caught your breath.

His hands were everywhere, groping your skin underneath your robe making you shudder at the sensation. As his lips found your neck, you realised what was going on as your hands moved to push him away.

"Get off me," you pleaded, hands shoving him away. When you realised he wouldn't move, your hands went to his face, nails scraping at his skin as you tried to push him off. "Aegon, get off of me."

"Fuck," he hissed, backing off of you completely. He got off the bed, stomping towards the door before his eyes landed on something.

You stared up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at him.

"You do still love me," Aegon whispered to himself, holding the framed picture of the pair of you in his hand.

You didn't hear what he said, your own sobs being the only noise you could hear.

"I'm sorry," Aegon told you as he turned back around, climbing over your frame. "I'm so sorry."

You were paralysed from sadness and shock, not even budging when you felt his body press on top of yours. His hands were touching your stomach, his lips pecking at your wet cheeks and you weren't sure what he was doing until he did it.

Your robe became loose, only realising when the cool air touched your mid drift. Aegon's hands shoved yours above your head working quickly as he tied them together.

"What are you doing?" You asked, voice not as shaky as it was. When you went to move your hands, you couldn't and you realised he had tied them to the bed. "Aegon, no."

"I'm sorry," was all he repeated, stripping his clothes off from above you.

You closed your eyes, pleading to yourself for him to stop.

"You just need a reminder that you're mine," he told you, lips pressing to your skin. His hands slid up and down your sides, caressing you gently at first. "That you don't just get to leave me."

You felt betrayed as your body became slack, not even fighting against him anymore. You also felt betrayed by him, wanting to curse at him for being so horrible to you.

He rubbed himself against you, shoving your legs further open as you felt how hard he was against your folds. He pushed himself down after realising you were only slightly wet, pressing his tongue against you.

You hissed as a cool sensation hit your pussy, a wad of spit dropping down your folds to your hole. You could see Aegon watch it, mesmerised by the image.

"You pushed me to do this," he told you, hovering over you once again. "You have to understand that."

You gasped as he forced himself into your walls, biting down on your bottom lip at the pain.

Once he pushed himself all the way in, he stopped, resting his forehead against yours. He peppered your face in kisses, muttering soft apologies when he finally moved his hips again.

You could yourself clenching around him, your body accepting him as if this was right. And eventually your whimpers turned into moans that you fought against, only encouraging to keep going until he had you right where he wanted.

At that moment your mind contemplated who you hated more, yourself or him.

It was you. Because you knew even after he would be done with you tonight, even after the way he had treated you, you would still love him. Still need him like you always did.

-

#aegon targaryen x reader #aegon targaryen smut #aegon targaryen imagine #Aegon ii fic #aegon x you #aegon targaryen ii x you

[chemdisaster]

bbbb au fic! in which the bad boys have a sleepover and we learn a bit about scar and lizzie's roles in this au

"Here, Jimmy, have some of this—"

"Wh—Ew! Joel, get off me! Oh, I swear—"

All the blankets are sent flying to the floor as two of the three attendants of the sleepover erupt in a very noisy scuffle.

From his relatively safe corner, Grian chuckles and looks away, laugh tapering off again. Abandoning his place on a very unwilling Jimmy's lap, Joel leaps across the bed, sending a few crisps flying, and shoves his face right in front of him, staring intently into his eyes.

"You've been weird since lunch today," he states bluntly. "What's wrong?"

Meeting his friend's exaggeratedly attentive gaze, Grian feels his reluctance grow. Not that he has any real secrets from his Bad Boys, it's just that he has doubts over how helpful they would be in this particular situation.

Oh, well.

"Scar and I had another fight."

"Really, what about?" Jimmy asks curiously, placing his popcorn to the side and swiping at his messed up hair and flushed cheeks. Beside him, Joel scrambles back, though he doesn't lose the interested glint in his eyes.

"Oh, just—well, it wasn't really a fight," Grian confesses. "He followed me around the entire day and then accused me of avoiding him. Said," and here Grian attempts his best Scar impression, making quotation marks in the air, ""Why, it's almost like you don't want to be my friend, Grian!""

He breaks off, breathes as he feels himself getting heated. Before Joel or Jimmy can interject, Grian continues, now in a more level tone, "I was avoiding him."

A moment of silence.

"Oh," Jimmy says, and then his eyebrows scrunch up on his forehead, "Why? I thought you guys were okay."

"We were, I just—I don't know." Grian rakes a hand through his hair. "I don't know why, but I just—for some reason it's so easy to be mean to him. Ever since we agreed we were friends again, it's been awkward and it—it makes me angry, I guess."

He looks away, not meeting his friends' eyes.

"I can't stop thinking about before. Every time I look at him."

Silence falls once again after Grian's guilt-ridden proclamation. His boys are quiet, and so is he as all three of them mull separately over these new issues that feel like they just keep coming and coming.

"Maybe you just need to not speak to him for a bit?" Joel suggests. "Clean slate, or something. Like me and Lizzie."

"Yeah, but Lizzie just moved towns. You guys were still on good terms," Grian says, and then adds, "and besides, it's been, what, a decade? Who knows if she even still remembers you."

Joel pauses.

"Nah, we'll find each other," he asserts with a dreamy look on his face, and Grian gives up, instead looking over at Jimmy, who shrugs.

"I don't know, I think Joel has a point."

Though something within him lightens, Grian makes a noise of frustration. "Ugh, you guys suck at this."

"Well, yeah, Grian, we're the Bad Boys, not the Therapy Trio, I mean, come on, Grian, what kind of friend even are you, Grian—"

A pillow hits the wall next to Joel's head. Narrowly twisting out of the way of a second one, Joel falls over on the bed and dissolves into breathless giggles. Jimmy tries to move away from him and gets a pillow to the face, prompting even more screechy giggling.

Grian sighs. Maybe not talking to Scar is the way to go, after all. At least that way, he can't make things worse.

#bad boys best buds au #pspspsps send me asks if you want to know more #worddisaster #the bad boys #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans #grian #grianmc #jimmy solidarity #solidaritygaming #desert duo #jizzie #limited life #limlsmp #llsmp2 #trafficblr #life series #trafficfic

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to talk to my exes anymore? It's been two months and I'm still thinking about this. I (22nb) was in a semi-platonic/semi-romantic relationship with two people (both 20+) I thought were really genuinely lovely. There were communication issues but we're all three traumatized and have massive issues with confrontation so I sort of let a lot of it slide. A lot of it was them just... not telling me things? they'd go to each other for support when they were having bad times but never me. Nor would they ever tell me what was going on - both would just vanish and not respond for like 3 to 6 hours every evening with no warning. I did ask at one point if one of them could at least just... drop us a message and be like "talk later, having a hard time". Which I feel like isn't unreasonable? It apparently was though.

So February into March this year was really tough. I was in my final year (technically the final two months!!) of my undergrad and coping with some abuse in therapy, so I was a bit more all over the place. One of them started really just.... not talking to me and the other started being really off. Like if I spoke to them, it was in dms and never as a group until they wanted to call and play something in the evening.

In March, I had a massive mental health crisis personally and due to some really unfortunate circumstances, ended up unmedicated. This resulted in a psychotic episode (that I identified and informed them about). During this, one of them suggested that if I was having such a hard time with them, if breaking up would be better. And I sort of lost it? I wasn't mean, but I was really stressing that my paranoia and erraticness wasn't about them - I was having a psychotic episode and was incredibly mentally unwell.

It ended up with them both being angry at me and not speaking to me for a day. Everything proceeded far more awkwardly from there. I got back on my medication and somewhat recovered, but ended up needing to move back in with my parents during the exam season (I was a danger to myself). The night I got home, they broke up with me specifically. Because it "didn't feel like we were partners anymore" and I was "unhelpful and uncommunicative". They wanted to continue being friends though.

And I tried to be friends for the next month. I really tried. But it just felt... hollow. And then when I tried to inform one of them of something, they started lecturing me on my behavior.

So I decided... I didn't want to talk to them at that time. And I said as much, in private.

To which they took screenshots of personal conversations and posted them to a group server to prove they weren't the bad guys to mutual friends.

There were a lot of other little things. Like they'd talk to each other constantly but only one would talk to me consistently and this was framed as a "you're bad at communicating" thing to me. I tried consistently to reach out and show both I cared and ended up just.. being ignored or getting one word answers. Me expressing boundaries such as "can we have serious conversations when I'm level headed and not immediately (like not an hour after, I mean Directly, 2 seconds later "hey anon here's a boundary I never told you" after) after I've had a depressive breakdown or me asking to take ten minutes to settle my emotions when being told things were both sort of dismissed. Or even just... they always Expected I'd be there for group gaming sessions with their friends/did gaming sessions without me but got wildly upset when I spent an evening calling/gaming with a friend of mine who lives in a different country (to the point of being petty enough to make another server without me with a couple people and game/call Only There for like a week).

I just got... fed up with being treated like the bad guy? I wasn't always nice, but neither were they. I tried consistently to communicate/be as reasonable as I could and just felt like I was hitting brick walls. Communicating how I wanted the relationship to look always turned into me mimicking an abusive ex or something (seriously - one of them said that something I asked for was what their wildly abusive ex did and therefore wasn't okay).

I'll also note - I only ever shared parts of the breakup with close friends in DMs or in private conversation. Never publicly, and with minimal screenshots. Nothing I said was in a public space at all.

So Tumblr - AITA for not wanting to continue the friendship?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[kuphulwho]

Have some Sozo headcanons because I'm still thinking about this ant.

Even though he used to genuinely go by Sozo as a nickname, it's kind of left a bad taste in his mouth after everything that's happened. Ever since, he prefers that others call him Sozonius, Doctor, or even Doc. He's only ever really okay with being called Sozo if he has a decent enough relationship with the person.

Displayed ARFID-like symptoms for a while, since there's a very real possibility that he sustained himself on a diet of only mushrooms for who knows how long. And there's no way that having such an obscenely limited diet for so long wouldn't do something to a person. Basically, he had to work his way back up, starting small with things like berry bowls and pumpkin soup, and despite his best efforts, he ends up preferring big vegetarian dishes to anything containing meat. Reason being that he now has difficulty processing meat digestively. So while he doesn't touch any bigger meat dishes, he can still handle smaller ones.

And this would be especially troublesome if you buy into my idea of him being anosmic. It'd probably be pretty hard to get back on track with your diet when then things you eat don't even taste good a decent chunk of the time.

He definitely needs a good bit of physical therapy. For the longest time, he wasn't in control of his own body. It was essentially being puppeteered by a mushroom. Again, there's no way that something like this wouldn't have any kind of effect on a person. There would have to be motor issues of at least some kind going on after that.

Sketching has at least helped with tuning his fine motor skills. He even used to be a pretty decent artist in his scientist days, and the skill has been steadily coming back to him.

Insomnia, insomnia, insomnia. Not only was he the puppet of a mushroom, but said mushroom also kept him awake 24/7. Even with the mushroom gone, I doubt that he would've fallen back into a normal sleep schedule with even the slightest ease.

#cult of the lamb #cotl #cotl sozo

[solradguy]

Mr. Badguy I have a question as a guilty gear lore baby. I have been told sol/ky is problematic and I do not know why I fear. Could you please explain

Oh boy. I'm probably not the best person to ask about what ships are and aren't problematic because I honestly... just don't have the energy to care about it that much, it's like infinitely easier to block/blacklist and then move on. I don't know how people have the free time to get as worked up about it as they do.

Anyway. So, Ky's age before Missing Link (the earliest in the timeline of the games' stories) is generally the biggest problem. He was 20 in ML and a teenager through the Crusades. I think he was probably at least 18 near the end of the Crusades right before Sol left but that's pushing it. Anything with Ky and Order Sol's bad weird. I won't argue that at all, Ky was a kid and Sol was very much an adult, on top of the physical and mental power imbalance between them. Not good. Luckily, I really only see HOS/Ky stuff from the really early fandom (<2006) and IIRC their ages were still pretty vague back then so I'm just gonna chalk it up to no one knowing, especially in the EN fandom where it was a lot harder to find/get official information.

Between Missing Link to like late GGX/early GGXX I don't see what the problem with shipping them then is; they were both adults at that point and there wasn't even the power dynamic between them that there was during their Holy Order days. This, I think, really just comes down to personal reasons for not liking it. Which is fair.

After GGXX it gets... complicated.... Ky marries Sol's daughter but it's vague on when exactly Sol pieced it together that he even had a kid and that it was Dizzy, of all people. Ky definitely did not know she was Sol's kid until at least like partway through Xrd, when they both kind of put the pieces together and had a crisis over it. So shipping them after this point, between the timelines of Overture through Strive, you've got the issue of Sol now being Ky's father-in-law.

But the canon never straight up says Dizzy is Sol's kid (it is VERY HEAVILY implied though) and Sol and Ky both end up being dads together for Sin...?? It's like ASW is playing gay chicken with whether or not Sol and Ky are still shippable from an ethical standpoint lol Whatever that saying is about having a cake and eating it too, etc.

I saw the email for this ask this morning and I presented the Sol/Ky situation to my mom as if they were real people (she doesn't know anything about GG) and she was like, "That's a hell of a love triangle but I guess if the guy (Ky) and the daughter (Dizzy) got divorced and the daughter is alright with it, and it's consensual between the men, then it's weird but it's not as bad as some other relationships I've seen."

That's kind of how I feel about it too...? It's messy as fuck lmfao But I guess if there's a way to like write it so that Dizzy doesn't end up needing lifetime therapy then like... go for it....? I guess....???

I don't ship Sol/Ky because I think their dynamic is WAAAYYYY more interesting keeping them as rivals-turned-friends, and I like Dizzy too much; there's too big a chance of her ending up getting completely devastated by it. But as far as "problematic" Guilty Gear ships go, Sol/Ky's in the like... "People are wasting time arguing about this?" tier, imo. It being Thee biggest GG ship throughout the series' entire history is something to be considered, too. It's unavoidable, even the official art contributes sometimes. I often wonder why they decided to make it weird by throwing Dizzy into the mix because I know that, from digging through old forum archives, that change made a lot of people furious hahah

Disclaimer because the reading comprehension on this website is abysmal: I DON'T SHIP SOL/KY. IT'S FUNNY AS A JOKE BECAUSE IT'S AWKWARD BUT I DON'T SHIP IT IN SERIOUS CONTEXTS BECAUSE IT'S JUST NOT THAT GREAT A SHIP AND THE FATHER-IN-LAW THING MAKES ME A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

#asks #Sighing as I yet again walk into the lion's den posting something like this

[djeterg19]

So I know Day needs to grow up and deal with his shit with Night like an adult but...where the hell has their mom been in all this? Because they all live in the same house. She must know there's deep issues between them. She was pushing hard for Night to be Day's guardian. Why would she ever think that would be a good idea with how much Day holds a grudge against/resents Night? Is this another case of her burying her head in the sand and ignoring the issue? Does she not care that one of her sons hates the other? Or is she just gone so much that she has no idea what their relationship is like? And why does she travel so much? She's a chef, a profession not known for needing a lot of travel, and a rich one at that. Even if she was doing things like frozen meals or cookbooks, she could be home way more than she is. Remote work, especially when you are as well off as they are, is not hard to arrange.

Not only that but there are signs that she parentified Night and made Day a golden child. Day clearly was a high achiever considering how well he did at badminton and Night has been expected to take over as Day's guardian even though I don't think that's what either of them want. Like what does Night want to do with his life? Is he allowed to have an interest outside of taking care of Day? Or does the family just expect him to give up everything because his brother got into a car accident picking him up?

And Day doesn't seem to have been held accountable or faced any consequences. He's gone through who knows how many caretakers before they hired Mork. Night mentioned they didn't last more than a couple of days at most and I can only assume they were working with professionals before they started resorting to the interview process where they first met Mork. His behavior must have been pretty bad or he just kept firing them without any consequence. And really he should not have had the power to just fire someone on a whim or if they said or did anything especially after it happened a couple of times. Because if he didn't have money or a family that enabled that behavior he would have been on his own much sooner. This goes back to my frustration that Day was not put into therapy after getting the diagnosis. And nothing was done to get Day to adjust to the new situation. The house wasn't changed and he wasn't given tools to navigate his own home either. I've ranted about this before so I will leave it for now.

And, yes, being a single mother is hard but she apparently had the option of allowing the dad into their life and didn't want him around. Don't get me wrong she had every right to leave and move away because of the cheating and not want to be around him but she should have found a way to co-parent with him or at least maintain some kind of relationship with him for the boys. Even if it was just phone calls or having the kids spend a holiday here and there with him. There's no indication that he didn't want to be a father to their children. Maybe it's because I come from divorced parents but when you decide to have children you should know that it will come with doing some things you don't like or wouldn't choose for yourself for their best interest.

Anyways, I don't think Night and Day's issues started with the accident. They go much deeper than that and I can't help but think it's due to how they were raised and in a way neglected emotionally that caused them to see each others as rivals for her attention instead of brothers that both equally deserve her love and attention. Because Day thinking Night is trying to steal their mom's affection is not normal at all. It's deeply unhealthy and has to have roots that have grown over years and not just since the accident.

#last twilight #last twilight meta #idk if this makes as much sense as i thought it would when i started...