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moonshinemusings · 1 year

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General John "Soap" MacTavish headcanons (Pt.1)

Warnings: slight mentions of canon typical violence, mentions of PTSD, anxiety and sensory issues

A/N: My head is full with so many dumb ideas but I kept it mostly serious here lol

• He flirts with everyone when he's drunk, and yes, that includes his teammates (once Price wanted to count how many times he hit on Ghost during the night, but eventually gave up)

• His favorite color is green

• Would totally own a motorcycle that he takes good care of. He has a knack for mechanical stuff and often repairs vehicles they use on missions

• Has a sweet tooth and others often tease him about it. If they let him, he could probably eat a whole cake by himself (and whine how bad his stomach hurts afterwards)

• Most of the time he's dealing well and he keeps himself together, but sometimes his emotions break through the surface. He rarely cries, but when a wave of PTSD or lethargy hits him, the tears flow without resistance. He powers through his emotions though, and he knows his teammates are always there to support him if he needs them

• His anxiety isn't as bad as some others, but from time to time he struggles with staying calm and rational. These incidents usually happen when he overthinks missions or panics when someone gets injured, but someone is always there to help him calm down

• Most likely he has some sensory issues too, but only with very specific things that he fortunately doesn't often counter every day

• Often takes pictures while working out. Mirror selfies are his go-to, but videos of him doing push ups or lifting weights is also in order

• He was never that good at school, that's partly why he chose to serve in the military

• His music taste is really inconsistent. He listens to rock most of the time, but then he suddenly switches to pop songs and country out of nowhere. The worst part? He knows a bunch of country songs and will sing along loudly. Ghost thinks it's atrocious, especially with his accent

• Hug lover, an enthusiast if you will. He's a touchy-feely guy to begin with, but he loves hugs more than any other kind of touching (bet he has the warmest and most comfy ones)

• He's afraid of spiders. He likes to say he's not afraid of mundane things like animals, but spiders send shivers down his spine (once Price had to take one out from his bag because he was too afraid to touch it. No, they don't talk about it.)

• In his younger years he experimented with different hairstyles and colors. For a while he rocked a mullet, then came the idea of the mohawk that stayed ever since. He's had green, red and blue hair once, but never kept them longer than a few weeks

• As much as he acts like it annoys him, he likes dad jokes and those really bad ones Ghost usually comes up with

• No musical talent whatsoever, but that won't stop him from singing when he's drunk or when his favourite songs come up

• Has thought about getting more tattoos, but couldn't decide what to ask for so he never got them

• His favourite meal of the day is breakfast. Don't know why, don't ask, I just feel like he would be a breakfast "I stuff my face with calories in the morning" type of guy

• A morning bird, which used to annoy the shit out of Ghost because he was too cheery for someone who was awake at like 5 AM

• He's a deep sleeper, once he's safe and asleep even a bomb won't wake him up. He can fall asleep anywhere too. Once he conked out on the plane on the way to a checkpoint and Ghost has never let him live it down ever since

• We know that he used to play football, but he was also good at every other sport (except maybe gymnastics). He loved basketball, but he was always teased about being too short to reach the nets. That didn't stop him from scoring though

• He used to go to a lot of concerts with his friends. He's totally the type of guy to have a girl on his shoulders so she can see better

• He's not a womanizer by any means; he's only ever had one serious relationship and that didn't last too long either. He had a few one night stands, but he doesn't really seek any relations outside of his work related ones

• As a kid he used to have those sticky glow in the dark stars on his ceiling/wall

• He can't keep plants alive for the life of him

• His favourite season is spring because he's not too cold but not too hot either. The weather is perfect for his morning jogs

• He might seem egotistical sometimes, but in reality he just loves basking in the attention he gets. And he knows he looks good, so why wouldn't he talk about it

• It's not easy to rile him up and he's good at keeping his cool, but when he's frustrated or downright angry you better hope he doesn't attempt to fix the situation with fists instead of words

• Others might tease him for being stupid sometimes, but he's actually smart. Not academically smart, but street-smart if you know what I'm talking about

• In the future, he wants to have children of his own. In the present he focuses on his job and takes it very seriously, since it's the most important in his life next to his family. But he doesn't shy away from the thoughts of retiring and settling down with his children and a wife

• He enjoys cartoons in some situations. He knows they are dumb and not even funny, but after difficult missions he likes to have them as a background noise or something that can take his mind off the things that happened

• He has two older sisters, so has a lot of experience living with women. Once they waxed his arms as a joke, but he kind of liked it. They settled on an agreement after that: whenever they were all home and had the time, they would do it for him again if he wanted

• Also, because of that his room is also one of the cleanest out of everyone. He keeps everything organized and tidy, and doesn't like when his stuff is out of order

#cod #call of duty #cod mw2 #mw2 #modern warfare2 #john mactavish #john soap mactavish #soap mactavish #headcanons #soap headcanons #john mactavish headcanons

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azulann · 4 years

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What is life if not a gamble?

I’ve seen so many cute sets like this for the Make it Rain campaign I wanted to try at something ;; Especially bc Yura’s actually got really good luck in the Saucer

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babytaes · 3 years

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†hê Ðêmðñ (the beauty of sin)

𝖘𝖚𝖒𝖒𝖆𝖗𝖞: You're a guardian angel who's never been tasked with protecting anyone. Since you've been here since Creation, sitting around in heaven hasn't brought you any rewards. You were looking forward to the day when you'd be assigned a human to look after. When that day finally arrives, things take an unexpected turn when you are assigned to Heeseung, a demon from the underworld.

𝖕𝖆𝖎𝖗𝖎𝖓𝖌: heeseung x female reader

𝖌𝖊𝖓𝖗𝖊: angst, suggestive/smut

𝖜𝖔𝖗𝖉 𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙: 4k

𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘: profanity, smut scenes, bad boy heeseung (lol),

𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖎𝖙𝖘: click me before reading!

➳ part of the drunk & dazed series

☆ ҉ ◢▅◣

Sin is a spiritual virus that invades the whole being. It makes you morally and spiritually weak. It’s a deadly disease that infects every part of you: your body, your mind, your emotions, and your motives—absolutely everything. Nobody has the strength on their own to overcome its power.

Nobody should ever commit sin, never giving in to their worldly and sinful impulses. It's unjust and wrong. However, what is it about sin that makes it so fascinating and enjoyable?

It gave you joy to see it in his smile or the way his hands caressed your body. What a lovely thing sin is!

Even though some sins are innocent and enjoyable, sometimes regulations are supposed to be broken. Everyone, after all, is a sinner.

“WHAT!?,?” You began to sweat as you worriedly communicated your concerns to your overseer, “You must be mistaken, High Lord.”

“I understand the protocol; angels are supposed to serve as "guardian angels" to beautiful or broken souls on Earth. You know we're expected to look after them and keep an eye on them to make sure they stay on track. With all due respect, ma'am, I don't believe I'm qualified for this position; at the very least, someone of level 10 would be ideal.”

Her cream-colored wings swept her off her feet as she chuckled and waved for you to follow her. You sighed as you flutter up and away with her, trailing behind her, feeling a twitch in yours.

As you eventually caught up to her, dodging angels left and right, you apologized to random angels in your path, uncomfortably smiled at the people you bumped into with your wings.

You retracted your wings closer to you and walked uneasily beside your overseer as you carefully stepped down on the golden road.

Before you could say anything, she quietly took your hand in hers and gently kissed it, assuring you that everything would be alright. As you approached the center of the commotion, you bit your lower lip and remained silent.

Looking around at the community, it warmed your heart to see so many people, young and old, out here. Some you've known since the beginning of time, while others were born only last week. Everyone had gathered to witness the masterpiece that would emerge in an instant.

“You know Y/N I have complete faith in you that this first expedition will be a breeze,” you smiled, looking up at her with excitement and a tinge of fear in your eyes. “We wouldn't have suggested you for the job unless we knew who you really are, and you've earned it.” Don't worry, you were expecting this; now have a look.”

With her finger pointing to the stage forward, you were treated to yet another spectacular show. They're known as the "Grand Turning" in Heaven. This is where a new or seasoned angel has completed his or her training with a human or demon and earned their proper place in the community.

It could be a badge, a ribbon, or something more unique, such as the opportunity to talk with the all-powerful, our God.

Despite the fact that you were assigned to him, you were determined to get those jobs because they were the only way for you to ever get that honor. You weren't going to allow Mr. Unperfect take away that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Nobody could and will ever be able to make you fail this assignment; you were meticulously prepped. You were taught the correct and only way to do things, and now was your opportunity to shine. You were not going to be a Lucifer, cast from Heaven

“I'll do it,” you said to your supervisor, a smile on your face and confidence in your eyes. She turned to face you and hugged you passionately, rubbing your wings with a motherly devotion.

“I knew you could do it; now it's time to get you ready.”

---

When people have a near-death experience, they always remark that life flashes before their eyes. Unfortunately for angels, it's the contrary; when we're approached with a high-alert danger or warning, it's more of a gentle whisper in our ears. Normally more attentive while traveling to Earth.

The best place to be humans say.. What is with these fickle minded words?

You take a deep breath and turn to face your overseer, who is polishing her wings to ensure that they are kept in order. When having wings, a routine is taught from the beginning to keep them in a good up do. Nobody wants to look simple when you can look stunning.

She took your hand in hers and walked toward the end of the route, issuing some documents to the Pearl City Gate guards. You noticed the circular orb while glancing around.

"How can some humans believe in the world being flat, we literally have an air-like view. To me, it's definitely round.” She chuckled as she pinched your cheeks and turned your puzzled face to her.

“When you get down to earth, you'll see a lot of that, people with a lot of opinions. But what did you learn in your training?”

Standing up and smoothing your wings, you calmly shouted out the words as if they were written on the back of your palm.

“Although humans are the destroyers of their own precious planet, everyone's opinion matters, regardless of race, gender, or identity.”

“Well, not all,” you began scratching your head, “I've seen some harsh individuals in our study books, God should strike them down-“

“Um no ma'am, let us put it aside for the time being and focus on what needs to be done.” She started going over a list of laws and regulations for your descent to Earth. As you gave her a thumbs up, you were attentively listening and mentally bookmarking everything in their designated area.

I believe I have a good understanding of everything, and I think I am prepared.” She offered you a short hug before letting you go, showing her affection for you. You were going to miss her, despite the fact that it was a mutually-surface relationship.

“Last but not least, this ordeal will be different in that people will be able to see you. But if you have to use your wings, the lad is the only one who can see you. When you arrive, he will be waiting for you. My child, best of luck and may God bless you.”

You let go of her and moved toward the road's edge, gripping your bag as you turned to face her and waved farewell as you stepped over the brink.

“Wait a minute, what if-“

When you felt a push from behind, you tumbled off the ledge and spun around in the sky, where you saw a smiling face as you glanced up. They didn't tell you that you'd have to be pushed. As you plunged to Earth, you closed your eyes, terrified. Oh, how nice.

Screaming, you descended into the atmosphere, your narrowed eyes seeing glimpses of land here and there. Not letting up you let your wings cover your whole body as you plopped down onto soft green grass.

You peered out from your wings, gasping for air, and glanced up.

“Oh, Heavens”

His physique was slender, active, and well-groomed, with a trace of bad boy behavior in his scent. The first thing that struck your eye were the rips in his jeans. How could a man-made mistake seem to be so appealing? As you raised your eyes, you noticed tattoos splattered across his arms and up to his neck. His black velvet-like wings fluttering in the breeze, he raised his palm to his hair and stroked through the old curls, deconstructing the pattern they had once formed.

“Did you just pull a Lucifer or was this all planned?” he coughed as he put out his hand to you, taking a good look at you.

Stuttering in your words you quickly got up and patted yourself off and finally looked him in the eyes, noticing his dark eyes.

“Well, that wasn't supposed to happen, I hoped to fly down here and appear more Angel-like, but I think my overseer had other ideas.”

He said, "Ah," with a bored expression on his face.

“My name is Heeseung, and if you don't mind, I assume you don't.” I guess my name is well-known in Heaven. You're probably the fifth Angel who has appeared in the last year to “assist me.” What a load of bullshit; you can't hide what's already there, you know.”

He made a pouty look as he smirked closer to you before covering his hand with his mouth and saying, “oh forgive me, I suppose I have a potty mouth.”

Panicking at this new light, you smiled and coughed loudly and suddenly, “Before you say anything else, I'd want to inform you that I'm not like those angels we don't talk about. I have a holy standard that I adhere to.

He rushed to your face, rolling his eyes at your innocence, and murmured to you, "well see about that little Ms. Purity."

As you moved back and shook your head, spurring out prayers, you tugged the strings of your bag close to you, seeming irritated. Looking up, you noticed him hovering in mid-air with his arms crossed, waiting for you.

“Whether you're coming or not, I'm in the mood for a cup of coffee. Allow me to go fetch you one so that this whole ordeal between us may be over soon and we can both return to our respective worlds.”

You instantly snap open your wings and shot up into the sky, scoffing at his rudeness, and dash by him, racing to the left.

“It's this way, dummy,” he cackled as he immediately shot out. Embarrassed and annoyed, you flipped over to his side and flew alongside him, praying to the Lord for peace as your rage subsided.

“Lord, so help me”

---

“So, what's on the agenda, Ms. Purity? There are a lot of things I'd want to do with you. You know, if you just ditch this whole act, we might be able to have some fun. He winked at you as he sipped his drink while peering across the table.

You shook your head and chuckled, gagging at his remark, "You must get all the girls, you appear really, what's the word, competent" I'm astonished since I assumed everyone down under was inept.”

He smirked and crossed his legs as he lay startled in his chair, cocking his head to the side. It's not that you were trying to be mean; it's just what you were taught. There are no hard feelings.

“Well, as much as I'd like to keep this delightful little date going, I have a commitment to fulfill. You know, duty calls.” You quickly got up and hurried after him, confused as to where he was going, as he shot up in the air and chuckled, waving farewell to you.

“Wait, Heeseung, you can't just go away like that. We need to figure out how I'm going to find you. You're being impolite by getting up and leaving.” You made yourself look insane since you didn't realize no one could see him. You wouldn't want to be labeled as one of these Earthlings.

You beckoned him down, mentally terrified, “Please can you just come down for a damn second.” Your jaw dropped as you hurriedly covered your mouth. Heeseung's jaw dropped when he appeared in front of you, stunned.

“Gasp, I'm hearing a term I'm sure they don't say in Heaven. Hmm, I suppose the Earth changes people.” He went closer to your ear, his warm arm bouncing on your skin as he giggled, his lips inches away from yours.

“I've already entered my phone number into your phone; you do understand what a phone is, right?” Doesn't matter, I have to get somewhere, and you can locate me later. Okay, I'll see you later.” He swept up in the air and rushed over to the bridge as he vanished into the horizon, rushing out in a haste once more.

You sat back in the coffee chair, wiped your brow, and focused mentally and spiritually, pleading with the Lord for help and forgiveness. You had a feeling this mission was going to be a disaster.

Whining, you threw your hands in the air and sat face down on the table, groaning as you realized this trek. It's no surprise that these honors are well-deserved; it takes a lot of effort.

You cautiously lifted your head and faced the barista after hearing a soft tap on your table. She smiled at you as she set down a piece of paper. You scowled as you inspected the weird set of paper.

“What a jerk, he didn't just leave me to pay for both drinks.” With a shake of your head, you reached inside your bag and drew out a wallet. Your overseer informed you that many people like flaunting and spending their money, so she provided some for you just in case.

As you cleaned up, you began to mentally map out your route through town, mentally picturing the locations and navigating your way home. As you walked over to the cashier, you handed her some money and thanked her before heading out the door.

At the very least, you landed in a fantastic location. It was in the heart of South Korea, and the city was called Seoul, a wonderful metropolis to be sure. You were taught to master specific languages for specific tasks, so communicating wasn't a problem. Despite the fact that you were new in a strange place, you were determined to make the most of it. The first step was to return home and examine the situation.

How to manage Lee Heeseung.

Arriving at your small abode was an adventure in itself; it didn't take long for you to connect your GPS and get going. It was actually fairly pleasant and provided a change of scenery to enjoy. It's not quite Heaven, but it's still lovely. When you finally arrive at your destination, you look up to see a little, charming apartment in front of you.

They really went all out for you, and it's very much in your style. You'd felt right at home as soon as you stepped inside, as it was more modern and sophisticated.

To be honest, you had no idea what you were doing, but it felt good to have your own little place to do anything you wanted. You could get used to this, no wonder why humans never leave their house. Who would want to leave when you have everything here. Food, entertainment, and a BALCONY!!

As you finished exploring the apartment and basked in its magnificence, you laughed to yourself as you made your way to the couch, sinking into its coziness as sleep took over your mind and body.

*Crunch, thud, bang*

As you lurched forward, you flew up your wings in defense mode, trying to understand what you'd heard.

“Who's there? I have a weapon, and I'm not afraid to use it.”

When you hear a familiar giggle, you look up and see the attractive intruder. Walking over to you and snatching the pillow from your grasp he took your hand and pulled you over to the island where he had prepared some food.

As you took it all in, you smelt familiar scents and smiled, completely forgetting about it until you were reminded again.

“Wait, what are you doing in my apartment, and how did you get in?”

He began to remove some pots and pans from the stove while he placed some food on a platter, saying, "I have my methods."

“I'm not sure what you eat up there in Heaven, but I'm guessing it's all healthy and nutritious food.” You laughed and shook your hand in disbelief while shaking your head.

“I don’t think out of all places we would be eating so strictly. It's basically whatever you can get your hands on.. It's guaranteed to be better food than what you'll find in Hell.”

Pulling the dish away from him, you began to pick at the fries, popping one into your mouth and savoring the flavor, “not bad.”

He bowed in front of you, wiped the sweets from his brow, and returned to sit next to you, grabbing a dish and feeding himself some. As the night progressed, you told him the rundown for the next three months.

“So, despite the fact that you're definitely one of the worst jerks I've ever encountered. For this to function, we'll need to create certain ground rules.” Aiming a finger between you and him. “I'm not sure whether you've ever had to do anything for anyone else in your life, but it's all about serving people around here, and that's why I accepted this assignment. Even if you don't want to help yourself, I want to help you.”

As Heeseung shuffled around in his chair, avoiding eye contact with you, the atmosphere became tense.

“Harsh, but keep going.”

Smiling you continued as you tried to wrap your head around this complex creature.

“I understand that we are supposed to protect and guide you to do good, but it appears that we have progressed far beyond that, and we need to start at the source of your problem, which is most likely your heart or mind. What's going on in both?

As his words danced across your lips, he smirked and drew you closer to him.

“Now there's a secret.”

Smirking as your face felt warm, you cocked your head to the side and touched his shoulder before getting up and setting your dish in the sink, cleaning up as piercing eyes stabbed your back.

“I understand what you're thinking, and I've got it all under control.”

He approached you and said, "If you say so," as he put his head against your ear.

2 months later

Everything was certainly out of hand, and he was to blame. Your strategy not only failed, but it was only a matter of time until your overseer found out. And you didn’t want to end up like the last guy tossed from Heaven.

It wasn't all that bad, but who were you kidding, it was a disaster. It wasn't a major shift; rather, it was a series of modest changes. Things like accidentally cursing or hanging out with him at ungodly hours. You convinced yourself that everything was OK.

He drew you into your room and sat you down while hovering over you, gently caressing your body and kissing you.

You smiled and drew him closer to you, wrapping your legs around his waist and bringing him down on you, closing the distance between you.

Heeseung has been on a mission to damage your "innocent demeanor" for the past two weeks. He intended to show you that it was all a charade and that no one is actually perfect. Despite not knowing what he was going to do, you were up for the challenge. That core part of you didn't take long to succumb to his immoral impulses.

What was the problem as long as you were both happy?

“Heeseung,” you say as he draws you closer to him and unclasps your bra with his free hand. As you slowly rise to assist him, you toss the material to the ground and reach for his sweatpants.

“Someone a little needy, but we are not doing that today. Today is all about pampering my lovely angel. Is it all right?”

Nodding your head, you keep an eye on him as he goes between your legs, halting at the bottom as he eyes your breast and grasps softly as your body adjusts.

“Hurry up,” you grumble as you stare at his sinister grin. As you moan, he places gentle lips along your folds, leaning down to your core. As you twitch under his touch, his finger makes a fast dive between your folds, inciting dampness.

As you whine from the pressure, your eyes flutter shut as he switches his finger out with his tongue, softly licking up your surface.

“mm, close,” you exclaim, your lips wide open as he notices your clit, tongue flicking lustfully against it. As he presses harder on your sensitive region, he laughs as you break apart under his power.

“Oh God, right there.”

“Please don't involve Him in this.” He hits a place as your high comes crashing down on you, chuckling at your reaction. Heeseung is holding you down and watching you quiver wildly as you release juice, which causes him to swallow it before wiping his mouth. As you fall onto his body, overwhelmed and still sensitive to the sensation, he pulls you up.

He lays your exhausted body next to his and wipes any excess arousal from his mouth before kissing your lips.

You both lay in a comfortable stillness for the remainder of the night, your breathing slowly returning to normal as you sign into his arms.

“Perhaps you're right; we're all just horny, messed-up creatures; I mean, even though what we're doing is completely wrong, it was fun to break the rules. My entire life has been focused on doing the right thing and being this upstanding angel. It's fun to deviate from the norm.” As Heeseung witnessed you erupt in rage, you became agitated.

“You’re cute when you’re mad, also I told you.” You both chuckled as you pushed him to the side before coming to a halt in the middle of your conversation, looking concerned at him.

“However, I leave tomorrow and I don't think I'll be ready to see you off, and this was not in my plan.”

“Shhh, I figured it out; just stick to my plan and we'll both come out on top.”

You sat closer to him, nodding your head and clasping your hand in his as you allowed sleep to take over your body.

As you may know, angels and humans have quite distinct punishments; some humans are never punished for their wrongdoings, whereas angels' actions are usually discovered one way or another.

And you were terrified that they would find out. The person who fell from the edge was not the same person who was returning back and everyone was going to know it. Just not right now, you had to maintain your composure as you approached your overseer.

As you were greeted with the overseer and some guards, you held Heeseung by his chains and whispered something into his ear.

“I see you were having a good time?” You shook your head and looked down, worried. You looked up at her with sad eyes.

“Yes, High Lord, I am aware of my error and what needs to be done in order to be purified once more. I accept complete responsibility for this assignment, but I crack him first, and we have all the secrets we need.”

As he observed you return to the opposite side with the overseer, Heeseung's gaze shifted up in fright. Fearing for his life, he flailed his wings in an attempt to flee.

“What the hell, Y/N, I thought we were on the same team.” How could you betray me in such a way?” You walked over to his trembling body and pushed him down so you were above him, laughing loudly. You patted his shoulder as you cackled.

“And they said angels could be trustworthy. I know what I'm worth, and it has nothing to do with you. Heseeung, please accept my apologies. Get him out of here.” The guards grabbed his chains and dragged him to a chamber across the room from you.

As she began to compliment you on your efforts, the supervisor wrapped her arm around your shoulder.

“I'm proud of you, Y/N, even though you used some terrible techniques. I knew you'd be able to pull it off.”

You grinned joyously and thanked her for her faith in you as you looked up at her face. You cast another peek at Heeseung as she stepped forward, and he winked at you. Smirking before he disappeared into the room you chuckled at his behavior.

Everything was going swimmingly, and no one had a clue. I suppose taking over Heaven would be a simple task; if you can blow up the inside, everything will fall apart on its own.

"How could you hide this from all of us?" "Oh God, you underestimated me."

The Beauty of Sin.

☆ ҉ ◢▅◣

➳ Navigate to the Maze

#enhypen #enhypen writers #enhypen series #enhypen angst #enhypen suggestive #enhypen smut #lee heeseung #heeseung #enhypen heeseung #enhypen lee heeseung #enhypen reactions #en-#kpop au #enhypen au #enhypen x reader #enhypen x female reader #enhypen x y/n #enhypen masterlist #babytaes works

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princessbeebee · 3 years

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Squishmallow Scare and Peter Bucky Barnes x regressed!reader

I have been obsessed with squishmallows lol so I decided to write this. If anyone has any suggestions my asks are open ♡

word count: 1.7k

Mute!regressed!reader

Y/N had accumulated a bunch of squishmallows since Bucky loved spoiling his baby. Almost every time he’d go to the store he would actively search for any squishmallows. Steve has also looked for them before when the store opens just to get the one she wanted even though she would rarely ask for them.

Bucky would hear her talk about new ones that come out and so he would try and get them, even with Steve's help. Y/N woke up from a scary nightmare and Bucky was gone. Bucky had left for an emergency in Canada of all places and was arriving that morning. She wanted to wake up peacefully but obviously, her brain chose violence.

She turned over in their shared bed and reached for the squishmallow that fell onto the floor when she was sleeping. The sun shone through the window causing her to strain her just closed eyes. She was sweaty and just did not want to be an adult today. So she headed to the living room where the other half of her many squishes were located. She also had a designated room that was next to Bucky’s office that was her playroom. She went up to the ten squishes and gathered them up to put them back into the playroom.

She placed ten of them on their couch since she was home alone and needed company. The playroom had a light pink wall with a bookshelf filled with coloring books and children's books, a small comfortable couch, a bean bag, a small table, and of course all her squishes and other toys. The squishmallows were in the corner of the room and piled up. She dumped them on top of each other carefully and stared at them. She sleepily bent down and moved some over to make a hole. She then crawled into it and laid down on the fluffy carpet and had all the squishes cover her body.

She hugged one to her chest and heard the front door open and her Bucky shout out “drăguță!” Y/N stayed quiet while Bucky searched each room for her. She decided to scare him when he called for her. Bucky walked inside the playroom, where she usually was when regressed, and looked around for her. She heard his footsteps approach where the squish pile was. When it got quiet she rose suddenly which made Bucky jump and scream. “Oh my god you scared me so bad Y/N” Bucky exclaimed. She chuckled as Bucky gave her his hand so she could stand up. She still held her favorite squish as Bucky pecked her lips. He had noticed that something was off. Usually, she was talking his ear off, but she was quiet. He had experienced this a couple of times with her, she went mute when she hadn’t regressed in a while. His absence had caused her to not be able to regress since she had become accustomed to him aiding her in her regression.

He looked at her fondly and asked “Do you need my care honey?” She just nodded and he put his arms around her waist and commanded a quiet “up”. He held her in his arms and spun her around which caused her to smile. “Is that your baby? They are very cute.” He patted the squishes head with one hand as he balanced her on his hip. “I know you’re regressed Y/N, but I will just tell you about my flight back because oh was it eventful,” Bucky said as he sat down on the playroom couch. “So I was heading to the airport and saw one of the stores that sell squishmallows and I saw that they had the mystery ones you wanted so I had to get you a couple of bags!” She squealed with joy as Bucky sat her down on the couch and walked out into the living room to grab the bag he got. She hopped on her butt in excitement as he walked back in with the colorful reusable bag. He had bought her six of the mystery bags each of them 8 inches.

She bit her lip and did grabby hands to the bag. Bucky just chuckled and placed the bag next to your lap. She dumped the bag onto the couch and a couple fell off of it. Bucky just placed the fallen ones with the others as she adamantly opened one of them. “These are not like any of the ones I have gotten you before, they are scented, but I am not sure if all of them smell like marshmallows or if they all have different smells. The bag doesn’t say but I am sure your nose will figure it out huh baby” Bucky explained. She struggled with opening the bag so she grunted and held it out towards Bucky. He smiled and dug in his pocket to grab his abalone shell pocket knife to cut it open. “Here honey you’re too small let me do it.” “And remember to never touch a sharp object, only me ok?” He asked while giving her a wink.

She blushed as he handed her one bag. “Ooooo which one did you get princess!” He exclaimed. The scent of chocolate was overwhelming but comforting as she pulled out the green dragon. She beamed as she hugged the small green creature. Bucky continued cutting the tops open and handing them to her. She just squealed in joy as she pulled out each stuffie giving each a kiss and hug. Surprisingly Bucky had gotten each squish in the series, so Y/N was happy. He would grab one and smell it to attempt to figure out each scent. He’d hold out the stuffie for her to sniff also as he listed off his guesses of each scent, which she’d either respond with shaking her head yes or no. He would list off weird guesses like “grass” or “slime scent”, which would just make her laugh. Her favorite had to be the unicorn since she smelled like flowers.

“So how about a snack, you know Peter is coming over today right?” Her head shot up and looked towards Bucky. She hadn’t played with Peter in so long since he was moving into the tower and preparing to work as a full-time avenger. Y/N and Peter were regressors, but the only issue is that Tony was his caregiver and had passed away the year before. This caused him to struggle to regress, which would affect his crime-fighting. Luckily, Y/N, Bucky, and Steve had helped him get back to his old self, but being an Avenger was hard. Bucky and Y/N walked into their shared kitchen to have a quick snack before Steve and Peter came over.

She sat at the table and watched her caregiver cut fresh strawberries into tiny pieces for her. She eventually ate all her strawberries and patiently waited for Peter to arrive so she could play with her. She had never been mute when Peter came over to play, so Bucky knew to explain to Peter why she isn’t talking to him and how she is not being rude to him. Thankfully, Steve texted Bucky and told him that Peter was about 8 years old today. Bucky had completely forgotten to ask Y/N what age she was today, so he asked and she held up four fingers. “Aw such a good baby thank you for showing me four fingers, you’re so smart,” He cooed.

Steve came in with Peter rushing inside to find his friend Y/N. She got a little frightened by the rush and cowered and hid her face with the purple unicorn. Bucky placed a soothing hand on her arm as Steve reprimanded Peter for not keeping his composure. “Peter I told you she is younger than you right now. I know you are excited to see her but you need to apologize for giving her a scare,” Steve said. Peter walked up with his green plastic dinosaur with a sad look and apologized to her. Peter sat directly in front of her on the floor as she sat on the couch rubbing her unicorns fur. “Hey! I said I was sorry Y/N! Why are you ignoring me,” Peter whined. Steve quickly told him to lower his voice since the whining made her cower.

Bucky then explained why Y/N was acting the way she was. Peter seemed to understand that it was not his fault at all and seemed to get embarrassed. However, this made Peter even more caring of her. He felt the need to be protective of her now, to be her big brother. He quickly placed his favorite big green T-Rex next to her thigh as Peter ran to her playroom. Steve just sat and let Peter do what he wanted to do. Peter then came rushing back in taking all the squishes he could grab in his hands and bringing them inside the living room. He then placed them all on the couch which made her smile at Peter. He knew your dolls were like a security blanket to you.

You two played together for the whole day. Peter mostly would tell you stories he made up in his brain about dinosaurs and robots which would make you smile. He also helped you eat dinner, which was dino nuggets, french fries, and a Capri sun. He’d even give you an extra nugget just because he felt bad. Dessert was a pudding cup with sprinkles in it. Eventually, it was 8 pm which was your bedtime, Peter did not want to leave and pleaded that he stay the night. So Steve agreed and left him there with Bucky.

Both Y/N and Peter slept in the playroom on foldable beds that could be turned into chairs. A night light was turned on near the door as Bucky set up their beds. He opened the closet and pulled out two fuzzy princess and robot blankets for the two. Y/N walked up to her squish pile and handed Peter a dog squishmallow to sleep with. He ruffled her hair and said thanks as they both cuddled in their beds. Bucky stood by the door and smiled at the two. Y/N hugged two of her new squishes and wished that she had more to cuddle.

Drăguță - Cutie in Romanian

Tag list below

@dpaccione

#regressed!reader #little!reader #age regression fic #cg!bucky #bucky x little!reader

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lilliagradiewrites · 3 years

Text

say that you’re mine (harry styles)

Summary: You and Harry attend a Christmas party for the cast and crew of Don’t Worry Darling, and a guy gets a little too flirty for Harry’s liking.

WC: 1.9k

WARNINGS: drinking/alcohol, cursing, and jealousy i guess? not sure if that needs a warning, but it’s the main content of this piece. This has mentions of sexy time, but no actual smut.

A/N: Here we go!!! I have loved Harry for so long and have been wanting to write for him forever. I’ve written many things, but none of them turned out well enough for me to upload them. This one turned out pretty okay, so I hope you guys like it! I know this is different than my usual content, but if any harries happen across it, I hope they enjoy it. If you want, replace Harry with Rudy Pankow, and DWD with OBX Season 2 lol.

I love you all so much, and I hope you enjoy!!!

LET’S DO IT!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

The night started out strong. You looked good, you felt good. A few drinks had already been consumed before arriving at the event, and so you were already in the party mood. Harry, your boyfriend of over a year, looked gorgeous as always. Everything was perfect.

Until him.

Harry noticed the guy’s infatuation with you long before you did. You were out on the dance floor, looking amazing, having the time of your life. A smile was on your face as you moved your body to the music. You looked genuinely happy, and the sight made Harry even happier. He watched you intently, his eyes focused on nothing else but you.

Something began to feel off, however, and he quickly noticed that his eyes weren’t the only pair that were locked on your body.

Across the room, another man watched you with the same intensity as Harry, sipping his drink sensually. Harry didn’t like it. Not. At. All.

He had always been incredibly possessive over you, but especially when you looked like this. It was rare that you got super dressed up like this, and you looked incredible. Your makeup was done flawlessly, and your hair looked stunning. You were breathtaking.

And that dress. God, that dress.

It was a little black number that you had gotten a while ago, and you had been waiting patiently for months to have a reason to wear it. When Harry had told you about the cast Christmas party, you had mainly been excited to pull this dress from the back of your closet, where it had been collecting dust since you purchased it.

Harry had a love-hate relationship with the dress.

He loved it because you looked so fucking good in it.

He hated it because you looked so fucking good in it.

Of course he loved seeing you in it. He got to admire what was his, every curve on full display.

But, the issue was, that if he could see it, everyone else could, too.

Men had been ogling you all night, making his jaw clench and his hand form into fists, but none of them were like this guy.

The man was watching you with such intensity, Harry was surprised he hadn’t burned holes through your skin.

It took a lot of self control for Harry to keep from walking over and punching the absolute shit out of that guy.

When you eventually walked back over, Harry took the opportunity to show that man who you belonged to.

“Hey, lovie. Havin’ fun?” He asked as you approached him.

“Mhm, I-” Your words were cut off by your boyfriend grabbing your waist and pulling you in close, kissing you roughly.

You kissed back for a moment before pulling away, shock evident on your face.

“Woah.” You breathed. “What was that for? I mean I liked it, but…”

“Just showin’ you how that dancin’ you did made me feel.”

Your cheeks reddened immediately, and you dropped his gaze. Before you could look too far away forever, he was taking your chin into his hand, guiding your face to meet his.

“Don’ get all shy on me now, lovie. When you danced like tha’, wearin’ a dress like tha’, you lost the privilege.”

You giggled lightly, your cheeks growing even redder.

“Now, darlin’, I have to go talk to that guy,” He pointed across the room to a man in a fancy suit, “about shooting dates for next year. We can talk about this more when I come back, mm?”

All you could was nod. By your reaction to his words, he knew he had you wrapped around his finger. He gave you a wink that left you flustered as ever, and went on his way.

Now you stood alone, and didn’t exactly know what to do. You could go back out and dance until Harry was finished, but you felt as if your knees might collapse because of your previous encounter. Your only other option was to sit at the bar, and you were wanting another drink anyway. So, you found an empty seat and sat yourself in it, waiting for the bartender to come over to you.

Unbeknown to you, a man was headed your way, his eyes trained on the empty seat beside you.

Though you had no idea, Harry, across the room, was watching the guys’ every move. He had been keeping an eye on the man ever since he caught the guy watching you on the dance floor. As soon as he noticed the guy walking over to you, Harry’s jaw grew firm, and his fist clenched.

He willed himself to have self control, but also knew that if the guy laid a finger on you, he wouldn’t be able to keep his composure.

At the bar, the bartender had finally approached you, and you smiled politely as she greeted you.

“Hi, honey, what can I get for you?”

“An old-fashioned, please.”

“Alright, coming right up.”

You thanked the bartender as she turned around to begin making your drink. At this point, the stranger from the other side of the room had made his way over, and he slid into the seat beside you.

“Oh- hello.” You said, caught off guard by the sudden appearance of the man.

“Hey, how are you? I’m Jason.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N.”

The man nodded, a charming smile on his face. “Y/N.” He echoed. “That’s very pretty.”

“Thank you.” You politely replied. At this point, the bartender was walking up to you from behind the counter, your old-fashioned in her hand.

“One old-fashioned for you, honey. That’ll be 10.23.”

Jason, the man sitting beside you, reached quickly for his wallet. “Here, let me get that for you.”

“No, it’s okay.” You said immediately, knowing Harry wouldn’t like it if someone else bought you a drink. “I’m alright. Thank you though.”

“No, really, I-” Jason tried to insist, but you were already handing your card to the bartender.

Jason, who’s cheeks were now slightly pink, put his wallet back in his pocket.

“An old-fashioned, huh?” He said, very obviously as an attempt to make light conversation. “A classic. Not many people here like stuff like that, usually get the super fruity shit.”

Going along with it to be polite, you replied. “Yeah, I prefer simpler drinks. I don’t like anything too fancy.”

“I usually get a Manhattan, myself.” Jason says, motioning to the drink in his hand.

“I’ve never had one. They aren't terribly different from an old-fashioned, right?”

He shakes his head. “Yeah, they’re quite similar. If you finish that one, I’ll buy you a Manhattan so you can taste the difference for yourself.”

You shook your head. He clearly didn’t get the hint the first time. “That’s very sweet, but I’m alright. This will probably be my last drink for the night.”

“You sure? I’d really like to get one for you.”

“Yes, I’m sure. But thank you.”

Jason just nodded, not knowing what else to say.

From across the room, Harry was still having his conversation with the Assistant Director, but was barely focused on it. The only thing he could focus on was you and that guy, sitting and having a conversation at the bar. What was he saying to you? Why was he smiling like that? Why were YOU smiling? The whole thing frustrated him, and he couldn’t wait for this conversation to end so that he could go over there.

“So, what do you do on set? Are you in the cast?” You were still talking to Jason, not knowing what else to do as you waited for your boyfriend to return.

“I work in audio. Microphones, boom mics, and voiceover shit. I’m behind the scenes, so you probably haven’t seen me much. Are you in the cast?”

“Oh, no, I came with-”

“Me.” A familiar voice came over your shoulder, and you turned to find Harry behind you.

“Harry Styles, nice to meet you.” He was talking to Jason, but his hands slid around your waist. You could tell by the way that his brow was furrowed that he wasn’t too happy.

“Oh, shit. The Harry Styles? Nice to meet you, man.” It took Jason a second to realize that Harry was holding you, but once he did, it was obvious. His eyebrows raised, his eyes went wide. “Oh, Y/N, you came with him? Are the two of you dating?”

“Yes, we are.” Harry spoke for you. He turned his head in your direction so that he was speaking into your ear, but talked loud enough for Jason to hear. “I have someone I want you meet, love, so we should probably head over there.”

You nodded quickly. “Okay.” You stood up from your chair, giving Jason another polite smile. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Jason. Maybe I’ll see you around the set when I’m there visiting.”

Jason nodded and smiled. “Have a good night.”

You took your drink from the counter as Harry took your hand, dragging you away from the bar and toward the back corner of the room. It took you a second, but you eventually realized that he wasn’t leading you to meet anyone.

You were headed towards the bathrooms.

When you arrived at your destination, Harry pulled the door open as dragged you inside, closing and locking it after you were both in.

When he rounded on you, your cheeks went pink with nerves.

“You think that was funny, love? Flirtin’ with another guy at one of MY work events? You think that’s cute?”

All you could do was nod.

“Words, baby. I want an answer. Was flirtin’ with him funny to you?”

“Wasn’t flirting with him.” You squeaked out, the color in your cheeks even darker.

“You weren’t flirtin’ with him? Then why were you smilin’ like tha’?”

“I was just trying to be nice, Haz. You know, treat people with kindness?”

Harry’s eyes darkened immediately, and he grabbed your chin, yanking it upwards so that you’d meet his eyes.

“Don’ play tha’ game with me, lovie. Not tonight.”

His eyes flicked back and forth between yours, and you felt a warmth grow in your lower half.

“I saw the way he was lookin’ at you. He was watchin’ you all night. Was practically fuckin’ you with his eyes.” Harry's voice was menacing, and you were beginning to melt under his gaze. “I didn’t like tha’. Not. At. All.”

Harry took his free hand and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you abruptly into him you yelped at the sudden movement.

“You are mine, Y/N. Just mine.”

You nodded, but Harry wanted more.

“Say it. Say that you’re mine.”

“I-I’m yours, Harry. I’m all yours.”

“That’s righ’.” He said, releasing you from his grip. “Now here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m goin’ to say goodbye to Olivia and Florence and a few other people, and then we are going home so I can really show you who you belong to, alrigh’? Finish your drink, return the glass, and then come find me. Don’ you dare talk to that guy, alrigh’?”

You nodded for what felt like the millionth time that night, and Harry reached around you to unlock the door and open it.

As you walked out of the bathroom, you looked towards the bar. Jason was no longer sitting there, and you could see him anywhere near there. You headed straight over there, wanting to follow Harry’s instructions exactly.

As you walked, you couldn’t help but be excited for what would happen when you got home.

~~~~~ A/N: Alright, y’all: there it is! My first Harry fic! This is on the shorter side but I hope you guys still liked it. All notes and weblogs are super appreciated!

ALSO: SEND REQUESTS!! I write for:

- Harry Styles

- Outer Banks

- Harry Potter Universe

- Marvel Universe

-Timothee Chalamet

REQUEST THINGS, I would love to write for y'all!

Once again, I love you all so much!!!

#harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles one shot #harry styles smut #harry styles angst #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #hs x reader

362 notes · View notes

dodo-begone · 3 years

Note

ALRIGHTY! LOYAL HERE COMING IN WITH THE CIRCUS HAHAHA

Btw, I’m like 90% sure that I fell asleep while writing so it just stops. Like, there’s no ending/summary/whatever word I’m looking for but can’t think of at the moment and my bird is currently chewing on my phone case oh my god can she please stop—

__________________

I believe the concept of yanderes ft. a isekai-d reader has been mentioned by Shepard and her anons, tho it’s been mainly for Origins SMP. So, I come to you with ideas for the Dream SMP because that’s all I’m familiar with HAHAH—

Also, I apologize in advance because this thing is borderline an essay with how long it is. I’m so sorry—

For example *cue dramatic lighting and a cheesy flashback monologue thingie* oh my god I think I’m losing it, I’m so tired

Y/n and their younger sibling, Frisk, had just finished up another press conference regarding Monsters being back on the surface. All seems to be going well until the ground beneath their feet vanishes and they fall unconscious a few moments later. When they awaken, they notice they’re surrounded by humans—wait they aren’t all humans, what the fuck, since when are there hybrids? They knew everyone from the underground—by name, no less—and had never heard of any currently living hybrids. Only of ones from before the war. Besides, Monsters have been on the surface for a month at most, so there is no way for... oh boy, their head is spinning.

After some very...tense...introductions (“Hi, I never saw you guys Underground, nor have I heard of you, no offense. So, uh, which monsters are you guys related to?” “OI, I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT TUBBO IS NOT A MONSTER!”) they come to the realization that y/n is most definitely not from this world, or even this universe. Y/n’s adamant refusal to fight the “real monsters” that roam this land (“I did not spend countless timelines weeks putting my life on the line to befriend every monster, break the barrier that trapped them Underground, and defend them against my own god forsaken race just to turn my back on them.”) was a pretty big sign, after all. That, along with species of monsters that the SMP members have never heard of and how y/n talked about Souls as if they were a tangible thing.

It’s a rocky start before any sort of friendship is formed: y/n, wanting to be cautious, (and also not having Sans there to CHECK for them) decides to ask everyone what their LV is. It’s risky, and they had no way to prove if anyone is (or isn’t) telling the truth, but it was worth a shot. “Our levels?” A small goat hybrid asked, his head slightly tilting to the side. Everyone assumes that y/n is talking about enchantment levels. “I’m at 26! Ranboo, you’re at 30, right?” “I’m at 37 now, actually.” “Well, I’M at 58. Clearly I’m the superior one here. A real big man, a very manly man, aren’t I?” And a few others pipe in. Color drains from y/n’s face and they take a few steps back, hands shaking as their eyes dart between each person in the room and the exit. ‘How many lives have they each taken to make their LOVE so high? Why do they seem so proud of it?’ Yeah... that was an interesting experience.

- even though they have been reassured multiple times that the monsters of this world are nothing like the ones from their home, y/n still refuses to kill a single one, as I had mentioned earlier. They also refuse to kill animals. It takes a couple tries at explaining LV or LOVE—Level Of ViolencE—along with EXP—EXecution Points—but eventually everyone is on the same page

- Y/n is hesitant to bring out their SOUL when asked. First off, though they’re now friends with those from the Underground, they can’t help but be reminded of every spear, knife, bone, petal, gaster blaster, and fireball that has been aimed at them with the intent to kill whenever their SOUL was drawn into an encounter back then. Second of all, showing your SOUL is something you do with those you trust with your life—after all, you’re literally putting your lifeline out on display when you do so. There are so many different ways that the SMP members can see it

- Perhaps a monster appears

- Eggpire or Dream attack

- Someone forces y/n into an encounter because everyone is too curious to just let this opportunity slip by

- When y/n discovers that the people of this land have more than one life, they’re confused. There is no way that all of these people have SOULS of Determination, and there’d definitely be some issues if people kept rewinding time to their last save point. Besides, only one Determination SOUL—the strongest one—should be able to respawn. Then again, they only know what Frisk had explained to them. They were never able to see the save stars that Frisk would interact with in the different sections of the Underground. So they only have so much to go off of.

- Battle for them is completely different. Despite being in a different world, the mechanics from their world still apply. They can FIGHT, ACT, use an ITEM or show MERCY.

- They use Frisk’s tactic and flirt their way out of a fight or two. They never understood why Frisk did it until now... ‘I mean, I...wow. That was actually effective.’ They’re impressed.

- Oh no, maybe that wasn’t the best idea...they might have some yanderes after them bc of it...

- They probably have accidentally called Philza ‘Asgore’ and Tubbo ‘Asriel’ because both hybrids remind her of the two males from her world. Similar personalities AND Tubbo is a goat hybrid. The poor child is going to be so confused

- If Tubbo’s a yandere oh boy it’s going to be so easy for him. Y/n will probably be constantly at his side and telling him stories about the first fallen child and how they were adopted by the royal family, who are goat monsters! And just explaining the history of the underground and how important the goat family is. Talks about Asriel a lot as well. Probably makes him butterscotch cinnamon pie and tries to recreate golden flower tea to share with him as well. Or, they do that and he’s not yandere and it’s just wholesome.

- If we follow the headcanons that some fans have made, perhaps Frisk (and/or y/n) gave up half of their SOUL to give to either (or both) Chara or Asriel so they’d have another chance at life

- Not only does y/n refuse to kill, which leaves them vulnerable, they also only have half a SOUL, which means they’re incredibly weak. Someone needs to protect them, someone needs to keep them safe, someone needs to—

- Y/n is incredibly agile thanks to all the battles they’ve faced Underground. With their SOUL always out in the open during an encounter and the fact that they refuse to harm anyone, it’s required. I’m imagining them moving like a dancer, using jumps and spins to help them avoid any weapons swung at them.

- This is gonna be annoying for any yandere that wishes to lock y/n up. Even if they won’t physically hurt someone, they WILL put up a fight and make it as hard as they possibly can to be dragged into isolation or imprisonment

- When it comes to who goes yandere, I believe what color of SOUL y/n has (their personality, in summary) would play a big role. Here’s a few of my ideas, feel free to move people around or add to it, I’m really tired and can’t think of many characters LOL

- Red (determination): Wilbur, Technoblade

- Orange (bravery): Technoblade, Dream, Tommy

- Yellow (justice): Sam, Technoblade

- Green (kindness): the kids of the server, Fundy, and Ghostbur

- Cyan (patience): Ranboo, Ghostbur, Karl

- Dark blue (integrity): Tubbo, Philza, Sam

- Purple (perseverance): Dream—this man would love to see how long it would take for your perseverance to run out. I wouldn’t be surprised if your perseverance is the only reason he’s interested.

__________________

From what I saw of the end of what I wrote, it is DEFINITELY cut short. At least I mentioned every SOUL type lolol.

Also, I found a whole other note that’s a continuation of this concept but for y/n being from another game what the hell was I doing—

Expect that to come in another ask once I eat dinner

Sorry i took so long to answer!! I kept getting distracted!

That stuff is so pog man!!!! Puffy might be called “Toriel” once in a while because mom energy and she sheep,,, close to goat!

Gosh all the flirting will bring in so many yanderes or make ppl like “yo wtf??” And there’s a very small amount that are inbetween.

OKAY BUT WITH THE MONSTER STUFF ON THE DSMP- they’d keep the monsters in their house. They’d give them food and everything. Some def become very friendly and will defend. Haha giant spider go prrrrrr

I’d write more but there is so much amazing stuff I don’t think I could add to some of them anyways!!! Plus my mind is just racing other places rn haha

#ask #loyal anon #tw: yandere #rambling with dodo #c: tubbo #c: wilbur #c: techno #c: dream #c: tommy #c: ranboo #c: ghostbur #c: karl #c: philza #c: sam

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perhaps-in-anotherdream · 3 years

Text

[CN] Season 2- Victor and MC- Chapter 4 & 5 (Eng Translation)- Part 3

⌚Warning:⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a chapter that is yet to release in the global server. Don't continue under the cut if you don't wish to be spoiled!(◍•ᴗ•◍)

✧✧ PART 1 || PART 2

✧ [CH 4-12] ✧

At BS office: With the help of her subordinates, MC is working on gathering information on Lu Kang, and the mysterious man in black. But the tracker she left on him lost its signal after some time, so the investigation has reached an dead-end for now.

It's also the day Victor will be released from the hospital. So, MC goes to pick him up.

He has changed out of his hospital gown, and returned to his suit and leather shoes.

I sigh inwardly, though Victor has always been very busy, but recently he seems to have become even busier.

MC: You've just been discharged from hospital, don't you want to go home and rest?

Victor: It's not like I was really hospitalized. Besides, I remember that you still have something to report to me.

MC: Now I understand that being a CEO is really not easy.

Victor: If you really want to be considerate of others, improve the quality of your work.

I tilt my face up, and pat my bag while looking at him.

MC: So where does CEO Victor want to test the quality of my work?

Victor: Go to LFG.

MC notes that Victor gets in his work mode™ as soon as he enters LFG LOL

MC reports Victor about her findings that Lu Kang once lost a lawsuit against LFG and seemed to hold LFG responsible for the bankruptcy.

Victor explains that the deal with Lu Kang's company didn't proceed because they were found secretly making false accounts and such doings will eventually lead to plummeting. LFG never did or neither do they need to persecute anyone for business competition, and it'll bring more trouble than benefits anyway.

I scrutinize the sharp air exuding from his eyebrows, and can't help but mutter under my breath.

MC: Victor, you've always been so decisive and swift in action. Haven't you made more or less some enemies?

[Note: MC uses the idiom "雷厉风行" which literally translates to- passing like thunder and moving like wind.]

Victor: When there are interests involved, even if you do nothing, there will be enemies. The rules of the game are inherently cruel, and to have people who want to put some tricks to use, is quite ordinary.

MC gives Victor another report which she compiled based on Lu Kang's memory.

MC points out- the lawsuit incident was a while ago and it shouldn't be the reason he attacked Victor. She assumes-- it has something to do with the "game" that was mentioned in his memory many times. Lu Kang and the young man who partnered in the game probably tried to escape halfway, and they were killed because of the "no escapee rule."

Victor takes MC's reasoning under consideration, and specifically points out that all the victims of the murders are Evolvers. MC expresses her assumption that it could be because the authority of the game has some hidden agenda.

We glance at each other, and once again each sink into reflecting on the matter.

After a while, Victor picks up the last page of the report, and flips through it.

Victor: The trail for that killer is broken?

MC: Yes, should be. We suspect that he threw away the tracker.

Victor looks at the contents of the report repeatedly, then presses it on the table, and taps his fingertips on the last spot tracked by the tracker.

Victor: This place, you've only checked the public webpage. So the trail is not completely broken yet. Let them use the internal channels to investigate again. Don't waste the first-level authority I gave you.

Victor raises his eyes and looks at me, then puts the report back in my hand.

MC: Do I need to investigate that game altogether?

Victor: No need. I will send someone specialized to investigate. Remember, everything you just said is only a conjecture.

Victor: Without my permission, do not voluntarily investigate in private.

MC: Yes, BOSS.

The worries that have been clogging up in my chest for days, finally dissipates in several degrees. Even if I sympathized with Lu Kang, this action to get back at someone is never the right thing to do.

MC: Fortunately, this car accident is not related to the Evolver assassination. Just as I said, who would be so courageous, that he dares to pick a fight with CEO Victor?

Victor: The "bodyguard" is finally relieved?

MC: Relieved!

Victor: Go back when you feel relieved. Start concentrating on your task next week.

I grab the report, preparing to leave, just then Victor calls me again. I look back, and see that he seems to have sent a message to someone.

He halts for a moment, then stands up with one hand propped on the tabletop, his deep gaze falling on my face.

Victor: Thank you for these few days.

I stare blankly at him for a while, and quickly perk up with an even bigger smile.

MC: No need to be polite, Mr. Victor. Just let me book a free pudding from Souvenir!

I turn around at Victor's momentary expression of helplessness, running out of the office like a wisp of smoke.

Ever since confirming his safety, I feel that every time we see each other, it all becomes much more relaxed.

Behind the current life, there are still bubbling up unsettling factors in motion.

But precisely because things being as such, is what makes me want to cherish the rare tranquility all the more.

✧ [4-13] ✧

Just a moment after walking out of the LFG building, I suddenly remember that I've forgotten one thing, and rush back to the lobby.

After talking to the administrative staff at the front desk, I dial Victor's number.

Victor: Hello?

MC: Victor, I forgot one thing just now. To congratulate you on your 'discharge', I've prepared a small gift for you. The staff will deliver it for me later.

Victor: ....I've said I wasn't really hospitalized. What are you up to again?

MC: Just treat it as a blessing. You must accept it! That's all.

Victor: Hold on.

MC: Is there anything else?

Victor: Help me think of a name.

MC: What kind of name? A kitten, a puppy or a relative's child?

Victor: ....Common name, male.

MC: Why are you asking this all of a sudden?

Victor: Because your imagination is comperatively rich.

What kind of answer is this...

I complain inwardly, but still give it a serious thought.

MC: Let me think. How about this one!

(Players get to choose a name from the three options)

Victor: What kind of strange name is that...

Victor's helpless sigh comes from the other end of the phone.

Victor: Never mind. I shouldn't have had any expectations. I'll accept your gift. That's all.

After hanging up the call, I'm still a little baffled by the request.

He abruptly asked me to help think of a name, and also a male's name. Could it be that he is going to use it himself?

Could it be that there is something that requires a disguised identity?

But does he even need to disguise.... aren't the six letters "Victor" the best pass in itself.

Anyway, the name I gave him off the top of my head, he definitely won't use it.

I shake my head, my train of thoughts returning to the gift I've left behind just a moment ago, and can't help but look forward to it.

I wonder when the Victor of now receives this gift, what will the expression on his face be like?

✧[POV back to Victor's office]✧

Closing the last document, Victor leans into his chair, gently pinching his brows.

Opening his eyes, the pink-colored gift box on the corner of the table enters his line of sight again. The lofty color seems to be urging him to open it as soon as possible.

Victor unwraps the box, and inside lies a round Shiba Inu doll, appearing a little old.

He wrinkles his eyebrows, takes it out, and sees a small folded note also being pressed onto the bottom of the box.

He patiently unfolds the note again, the carefully and neatly written calligraphy greets his eyes.

Victor: (reading the note) "Congratulations on your 'recovery,' and here's a small gift for you. This is the doll that has accompanied me for many years. I wish you well and hope you're happy." - MC

Victor: ....Childish.

Victor subconsciously says a word, and falls silent again.

Unknowingly why, but he always feels that he's somewhat familiar with this scene, but he also can't amalgamate the impression any further.

Even just the silly Shiba-Inu doll on the table, brings him a trace of intimacy.

[Note: This is the same Shiba-Inu doll MC's dad gifted her as a kid, and she gave it to Victor in S1 "Rooftop Date," when she wanted to comfort him realizing how much he misses his departed mom.]

It seems as if, ever since meeting her and getting acquainted with each other, this strange feeling often arises.

Is it because she has an Evol associated with memories?

But again, Victor is also very clear that her Evol doesn't have effect on himself.

Or is that, it's simply owing to her?

Victor blankly stares at the doll for a while, and by the time he circles back to his senses, it's already somewhat late.

He pulls open a locked drawer next to his desk, puts the doll inside, and catches a glimpse of the document marked with a sharp " S " symbol underneath.

"Illegal psychoactive drugs", " CORE", "has the potential to stimulate Evol"...

Several eye-catching keywords are marked in red, even in the twilight, which are still clearly identifiable.

The information the girl has reported to him once again surfaces in Victor's mind.

She has organized it very meticulously, but after reading it all thoroughly, the dense fog before his eyes hasn't dispersed.

Those layers of crisscrossing threads seems to have already involved all the parties, standing in different positions, making the situation chaotic.

And all these disputes still ultimately point to the same source--

BLACK SWAN CORE.

When it's all said and done, is this situation because everyone is eager to obtain it, or is there an unknown force hiding in the depository, pulling the strings?

There are still numerous issues that needs to be resolved, and one can not always watch the fire burning across the river.

Victor locks the drawer, and glances at the clock on the wall.

The phone rings at the right time, it's an encrypted email from BS.

Mail: "BOSS, as per your requirements, the relevant information has been sent to the other party."

Victor simply knocks down a reply, gets up and puts on his jacket, preparing to leave.

A pile of events is connected into a ring, and each angler, too, is bait for another.

He is looking forward to what kind of prey can be hooked this time.

✧ [CH 4-15] ✧

Victor meets Lucien at the research center, who hands him the report of a research.

Victor says the results are clear but Lucien says they only confirmed their guesses, and that CORE has been the focus of everyone after Evol was publicized, but there are perhaps other things affecting the world. Lucien asks if Victor feels that the world is not quite right and that every civilization circulates within a box, the time they have is likely more limited than expected.

Victor says it depends on how an individual views the matter, there's no need to pre-determine an outcome.

Lucien asks Victor if he believes he'll be able to get out of the box. Victor replies, "Not believe, it's a must."

After Victor gets in the car, he receives an email: "Dear Mr. [the name MC chose for him earlier], thank you for your support towards Hunter Games."

The rest of the email is basically explaining the rules of the game.‶

✧ [Victor scene in CH 5] ✧

Victor is returning from a business trip. After giving Goldman some instructions, he glances out of the window of the helicopter. Even though everything is peaceful, to him something always seems amiss.

He receives an email containing only one word, "Advanced." His expression doesn't change much since he already expected this outcome. The mail disappears, and he taps on another anonymous email with the instructions- He'll be entering the betting venue in 15 minutes and he should get prepared.

When the helicopter is about to land on the LFG rooftop, he glances out of the window once again and observes the people of the city living their day to day peaceful lives.

The noise-reduction headset cuts out the sound of the outside world, but the mere information sent back to him by his vision, is sufficient to prove the tranquility of the world before his eyes.

The helicopter lands. He settles some works with the staff.

Victor raises his hand to look at his watch, the gray clouds being reflected on the dial, slightly blurs the trajectory of the clock hands.

In a split second, along with lowering his arm, an inconspicuous red light suddenly streaks across the dial.

There's still ten minutes to enter the "betting venue".

The staff turns around, walking towards the elevator, cold wind blows on Victor's face, fluttering the hem of his coat.

Somewhere directly opposite, a small cross hair has always been aiming at the position of his heart.

??: "Code L" elimination plan in progress, target locked.

A second before the trigger is squeezed tightly, the person behind the lens suddenly lifts up, raises his head, looking straight into the set of deep eyes in the distance.

The clamors of the city conceals much of the noise, the discharge of bullet muffles in the silencer, so much so that in this shattering rain, it doesn't even make a crisp sound of snapping a branch.

A dispute between the light and the dark, seemingly has arrived to its conclusion.

[Trivia: The call that comes with the Chapter karma card-- is actually Victor nagging with MC on her report over phone inside the helicopter-- before it lands on the LFG rooftop!]

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nighting-gale17 · 4 years

Note

Eddie and Buck go for a parent-teacher interview, for Chris of course, together. The teacher asks if they are together, and Buck is left to evaluate his relationship with Eddie.

Wow this got SUPER far away from me. I honestly was planning on it being very short and it... isn’t lol. anyway, hope you enjoy it! I’ll maybe get around to posting it on AO3 at some point

Attending a parent-teacher conference wasn’t exactly how Buck planned on spending his Tuesday on his day off, but he’d be lying if he said he wished it was different. Eddie would hopefully be showing up soon—they’d caught a bad call close to the end of his shift which is why Buck was here in Eddie’s place.

Buck watched fondly as Christopher drew on the table a few feet away, his tongue poking out slightly with his face creased deep in concentration. The tongue thing was a bad habit he’d picked up from, or so Eddie liked to tease him.

“Christopher has been doing very well in his classes so far, we’re very proud of the progress he’s been making.” The teacher, Miss Bright, stood at his side, glancing from Christopher over to Buck with a small smile on her face.

“That’s good,” Buck murmured. “I know everything’s been… a lot, but Eddie was really adamant on making sure his daily life routine wasn’t disturbed too much.”

Miss Bright nodded, her expression turning serious and slightly sad. “Yes, we’ve noticed Christopher’s aversion toward water. Not out of the ordinary, of course, many students are having similar issues after the tsunami. Don’t worry, we’re doing everything we can to ensure they always feel comfortable and safe while they’re here. As for the daily routine,” she continued, a smile growing on the corner of her lips, “I think a little disruption isn’t always bad, especially with how happy Christopher has been lately in class.”

“What do you mean?” Buck asked, more than a little confused as he turned to the teacher.

“Oh, I just mean, I know how difficult it can be sometimes for kids to adjust to a new parental figure, especially when they start living together,” Miss Bright explained with a smile. “But I’m sure that the addition to his routine can only be positive for him.”

New parental figure? Living together? Buck’s brows furrowed in confusion, mouth opening to correct her that no, he wasn’t Chris’ other father and he hadn’t moved in with them, but he was interrupted by Eddie entering the room in a rush.

“Hey, so sorry I’m late,” Eddie said in a rush, coming up to Buck’s side. His hair was a mess, still in his LAFD uniform, and there was a smudge of smoke on his cheek.

Buck bit back a laugh and reached up with his thumb, wiping the smudge off his cheek until it was mostly gone. “It’s all good, Eds. Am I going to have to call Athena to find out about a speeding ticket?” he teased.

Color rose in Eddie’s cheeks but he just rolled his eyes and turned his attention to the teacher, a polite smile on his face. “Again, I apologize for being late—”

“These things happen, I understand,” Miss Bright reassured him. “My partner is an officer, so I’m used to the sudden changes in plans. I was just telling your partner, Christopher has been doing wonderful in his classes, though he has gotten a bit shy interacting with the other kids during our outside activities. Nothing to be concerned about, his friend Tyler is always at his side.”

“Yeah, he and Tyler are best buddies.” Eddie agreed with a smile. “Was there anything else?”

“Nope, that’s all. Christopher is a model student, I love having him in class.” Miss Bright assured them.

Buck perked up when he saw Christopher slowly walking toward them without his crutches, a beaming smile on his face. “Daddy!” he said happily, holding out his arms for Eddie.

“Hey, buddy!” Eddie grinned as he picked him up. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah. Ice-cream?” he asked hopefully, resting his head on Eddie’s shoulders.

“I dunno bud, you’ll have to convince your Buck about that.” Eddie teased, looking up at Buck with a soft look on his face that made his heart skip a beat. Then, of course, Christopher gave him those brown puppy eyes (which he definitely didn’t learn from Buck) and, well, how was he supposed to say no?

Buck let out an exaggerated sigh, happiness warming his chest. “I suppose it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

Christopher cheered and Buck chuckled, shaking his head as he turned back to the teacher with the smile still on his face. “Thank you, it was really nice meeting you.”

“Of course.” Miss Bright gave them a beaming smile. “It was so wonderful to finally meet Eddie’s new husband.”

Husband?

The word suddenly hit him with the force of a tsunami, hours later when Christopher was sleeping quietly in his room and he and Eddie were drinking a couple beers on the couch. It felt like the world stopped moving for a minute. Suddenly, their conversation seemed to take a completely different turn.

The teacher thought he and Eddie were married, and that Buck was moving in with them, and that’s the disruption in Christopher’s routine she had been talking about.

“She thought we were married!” Buck exclaimed suddenly, turning toward his best friend with wide eyes, interrupting whatever ballgame Eddie had been talking about.

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asked, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

“Christopher’s teacher!” Suddenly Buck was on his feet, beer forgotten on the coffee table as he paced. “She thought we were married! And that I’m moving in with you guys!”

The lack of response from Eddie had Buck swinging in front of him and staring down at him with a frown on his face. He was staring at Buck with a bemused expression on his face, and something softer in his eyes, something that made Buck’s heart race too much for him to try and place a name to it. He narrowed his eyes. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“Buck, you practically have moved in with us,” Eddie said gently, that soft look never leaving his eyes.

Buck frowned a little, unable to deny the truth of the statement. He opened and closed his mouth but found he had nothing to say, left floundering on the edge of something he wasn’t sure he wanted to name.

Eddie placed his beer on the counter and stood, striding over until he was barely a breath away from Buck. That ridiculously fond look was still on his face, a smile curling at the corners of his mouth as he reached out and gently took Buck's hand. “I’ve been waiting for you to catch up,” he admitted, and Buck felt his breath hitch slightly when Eddie’s thumb gently brushed over the back of his hand. “But, I think, it might be time to take the jump.”

“The ju—” Buck’s confused question was cut off when suddenly a pair of lips were gently pressing against his own.

Eddie’s lips.

Eddie was kissing him.

And it was like that was all it took for everything to slot into place. All of the lingering touches, the fond looks, the ‘stay the night’, bedtime stories to Chris, the drawer he had next to Eddie’s clothes, the fluttering in his chest whenever Eddie—

“Oh my god, I’m an idiot,” Buck breathed out when Eddie pulled back after a moment, his wide eyes taking in the gorgeous man across from him.

“No,” Eddie disagreed, the hand that wasn’t still holding Buck’s rising up to gently brush against the birthmark above Buck’s eye. “You’re not an idiot. You’ve been through a lot—I was more than willing to wait for you.”

Buck felt a surge of affection for the man standing in front of him, one that must have shown on his face if the blush dusting Eddie’s cheeks was anything to go by. “You’re amazing.” he murmured.

The fond look on Eddie’s face turned into something a little more mischievous, his hand falling from Buck’s face to wrap around his waist. “Oh, yeah? Well, you’re not so bad yourself, I suppose.”

“Oh, just shut up.” Buck grinned back, surging forward and kissing Eddie forcefully. Their teeth clacked together, the kiss more smiles than anything else, before Buck backed Eddie up against the wall. The kiss turned open-mouthed, hot and heavy, exploring and tasting each other like a treasure they’d only finally managed to discover. It was a little embarrassing how long they made out, like two teenagers on a first date, but eventually, oxygen won out.

Buck pressed his forehead against Eddie’s catching his breath and feeling more than a little giddy. “So does this mean I can come to all the parent-teacher meetings?

“Anything you want, cariño.” Eddie murmured fondly, pressing a soft kiss against Buck’s lips. “Come on, I’m exhausted after today’s shift. Sleep with me.”

“Anything for you.” Buck murmured, returning the soft kiss before he followed Eddie to his room.

It felt like the last piece to a puzzle slotting into place.

#911 #911 fox #anon ask #buddie #evan buckley #buck #eddie diaz #christopher diaz

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jjobxx · 4 years

Text

-- Fallin’ All In You;

Pairing: Topper Thornton x Reader

Words count: 2,767

Request: I love your stuff so much😭 could you please do a Topper imagine (where he’s a good person) with the prompts 8,9, 10,14 and 33?Sorry that it’s quite a few prompts lol. I just saw that and thought it would be perfect for a pogue and that she has a crush on Topper and the others are like “Should we let her know we’re onto her?” and Topper also has a crush on her and they others try to like push them together but y/n thinks Topper likes someone else? That would be so cute and thank you for writing!

Warnings: A couple curse words, mentions of fighting. I think that’s it? Not really a warning but a cheesy!Topper at the end.

A/N: I was able to get the rest of this done at work today (shhhh, I had to wait on a coworker before I could do my paperwork so I figured why not ;D) so here you go! Anywho, if this isn’t to your liking please let me know and I’d be happy to try again. As usual, not proofed so any mistakes are my fault. ^_^

Being in the background was something you were good at. You didn’t like being the center of attention, much like your older sister, and you definitely didn’t like conversations with people outside of your bubble. It wasn’t that you didn’t like people, something your older sister always seemed to aggressively tease you about, it was more-so that you were quiet by nature. You were calm and well, she was not, which is why she never understood your choice in friends. Though the both of you were raised as Pogues, your sister never stopped trying to climb the social ladder into the world of the Kooks. You on the other hand stayed close to home and kept your social circle rather small.

Everyone knew “the” Pogues – John B, Pope, Kie, and JJ – they were loud, rowdy, and lived for a good time, or three out of the four at least. You and Pope had hit it off from the beginning, your personalities similar to one another. While you were glad to have found someone who understood your quiet nature, he was glad to have found someone to at least attempt to help him keep his friends out of as much trouble as he could. Try as you two might, however, there really was no stopping the others from doing what they wanted – especially when it came to a few certain Kooks on the island.

You never quite figured out the issue between the two classes on the island, seeing that your sister didn’t have much of a problem getting in with the Kooks when your family first moved to the Banks, but you came to a realization fairly quickly when you befriended the Pogues that the rivalry did indeed exist. Perhaps it was your sister’s beauty and flirtatious personality that got her in, or the fact that she so graciously hid her Pogue status, but nonetheless, you tried your best to stay in the middle of the fence for two reasons; it wasn’t your fight and you weren’t about to choose between your sister or your friends. So, any time a fight took place between your friends and the Kooks, you tried your best to stay out of it – not that it was hard, you were like a mouse; quiet and practically hiding behind anything or anyone you could. What you didn’t know was that, over time, you had caught the attention of one of the Kooks, Topper. You were intriguing to him. He was used to the rowdiness of your friends, expected it, but he wasn’t used to your timid nature and that someone like you would run around with the likes of the others. He didn’t know you by any means, just your name, but you confused him and he wasn’t sure if he liked the feeling or not.

Likewise,  any time there was a run-in with the Kooks, you often felt a pair of eyes on you. For the longest time you weren’t sure who they belonged to, too nervous to let your eyes wander anywhere else than on Pope, the friend you worried about the most in these situations. But you eventually gave in one day, your eyes travelling to everyone on scene. Your breath hitched as soon as your eyes met Topper’s, followed by the burning of your cheeks. He kept his gaze but you broke it, your eyes skimming the ground and then back to Pope who had been trying to hold back JJ from Rafe. Your eyes widened at the scene, knowing full well that Pope wasn’t going to be able to contain JJ much longer and that both would end up hurt if they kept at it. That’s when you decided to try something, your eyes searching for Topper’s once more, pleading him to do something. It had taken a couple moments before he spoke up. “Let’s go,” Topper nearly hissed at his friends, his hand applying pressure to Kelce’s shoulder so as to get him to follow suit. “Bullshit,” Rafe muttered. “We’re not done here,” he was matter of fact as he continued taunting JJ and Pope. “They’re not worth it,” Topper countered, “lets. go.” He enunciated his words, his jaw clenching as he waited for his friend to follow him. You could hear Rafe spew some colorful words as he gave up his position and stormed off. The five of you looked at one another, then at the trail the Kooks left behind, and then back at each other. “So, is no one going to talk about how weird that was or what?” Kie spoke up, the others agreeing with her and adding on their own opinions. The only thing you could do in this case however was mutter a small ‘yeah’ accompanied by a nervous chuckle.

The next day after that particular Kook versus Pogue fight, you had coincidentally run into Topper, though it wasn’t much of a shock running into him as you were the one on his territory. You were looking for your sister, your parents needing to speak with the both of you and she wasn’t picking up her phone, thus you had to find her. You knew to go to Figure Eight but from there you were clueless. That’s when you had heard your name being called. “Y/N!” Topper’s voice was hesitant, but much softer than the day before. “What brings you to Figure Eight?” he inquired, his gaze burning your cheeks once more. “Oh, I’m looking for my s.. friend. Layla,” you spoke just as soft, catching yourself from saying your sister as you knew she would be less than thrilled if her secret got out. She had gushed about Topper and his friends to you several times, so you knew that Topper had to of known who she was. “She’s probably at Sarah’s, I can show you the way if you’d like?” He had offered, his eyes showing a glimmer of excitement. You chalked it up to him being able to see Layla, because why would he not want to see her, but little did you know it was because he could be in your company for just a little longer. You didn’t talk much during the walk but laughed every so often as Topper would crack off some silly joke, a sound he decided he very much liked.

As you arrived however, he was a little stand offish, his attention now on your sister and her friends. You didn’t waste time in getting your sister by herself so the two of you could converse without anyone overhearing. “Mom and dad need to talk to us, but they didn’t say about what and they couldn’t get ahold of you so they wanted me to come find you,” you explained in a hushed voice. Over your conversation you could hear Topper and the others in the other room, Topper’s laugh echoing. Today was probably the first time you had heard his real, genuine laugh and much like Topper enjoying yours, you couldn’t help but to enjoy his, too. But you quickly subsided the feeling, knowing someone like him wouldn’t be caught dead with someone like you, his withdrawal from you evident when the two of you walked into the Cameron household. 

Weeks went by and the two of you seemed to walk on your tiptoes around one another. The Pogues noticed a significant difference in Topper whenever him and the others were around. He was less abrasive and not as confrontational as usual. While Kelce and Rafe would keep up with their usual shenanigans, Topper was more in the back of it all – he still uttered nonsense towards your group so as to make it seem he was still in the fight but none of it had any meaning to it. The more he saw you, the more he didn’t want to keep up with the rivalry. You felt the same way, though the thought of him liking you was unimaginable as your sister’s voice rang in your head any time your eyes met with Topper’s. Your thoughts convinced you that your sister fancied him, and he fancied her. But the Pogues could tell otherwise by his lingering looks your way and the sorrow etched on his face whenever his friends began their tormenting.

Your friends figured out pretty quickly that you had it bad for the Kook, as JJ had mistakenly made a comment about your sister and Topper being together one day, even though none of them really knew for sure, but they assumed that’s what Topper’s changed behavior was about. The deflation on your face was pretty obvious as you excused yourself from the group that night and hastily went to sleep. It was then that Pope had spoken up, “Should we let her know we’re on to them?” he questioned. “Both of them are crushing on one another but no one has the guts to come forward,” Pope exclaimed. “Now, where is the fun in that?” JJ offered. “You know Y/N thinks he has it bad for her sister, she’s never going to fess up to him. I say we do something about it.” The group knew JJ had a point but nonetheless it took some convincing to get the others to meddle.

A few days later and currently you were sitting next to the water at one of the many Boneyard parties your friends liked to throw. There were voices all around you, but it was white noise compared to the sound of the waves crashing onto the surface. Unbeknownst to you, your friends had just finished talking Topper into coming over to you to start up a conversation with you, while they stood opposite to observe the interaction.

You hadn’t realized someone was standing behind you until they lightly cleared their throat then spoke a gentle “Hey” towards you. You pursed your lips but politely responded with a hello of your own. He was quiet for a moment but then continued, “It’s really nice, isn’t it? The sound of the waves, I mean.” The small talk wasn’t making you feel any better about your silly crush on him. “Um yeah, it’s nice,” you gracefully stood up from your position. “I’m going to go get some water, I think Layla is around here somewhere,” you mused softly. “Wai-“ but before he could ask you to wait up, you had already disappeared into the crowd of people.

Topper’s eyes landed on your friends, a questionable look on his features. While your friends all agreed that they loved you, they felt that sometimes you could be very dense. Of course they meant it in the nicest way possible but this situation was only proving their point. Kie mouthed a silent “I’m sorry” Topper’s way before turning to the others to see about another plan. “I think it’s time for Plan B,” she smirked before explaining their next move in operation.

The next afternoon you had received a text from Kie instructing you to meet the group at her family’s restaurant. What you didn’t know was that they were currently setting up a table for just you and Topper, their Plan B to finally get the two of you together.

When you arrived inside The Wreck, the first thing you noticed was a small table with a candle sitting in the middle, the flame casting shadows on the tablecloth. The second thing you noticed was the figure that was currently occupying the table: Topper. The timing in which your friends asked you to meet them and the timing in which Topper was there waiting on someone was unbelievable. You couldn’t believe your friends had asked you to meet them the same time Topper was going on a date with someone, someone who you assumed was your sister.

When your eyes landed on Topper, you let out an inaudible gasp and hesitantly turned away. You had just taken a few steps when you heard his voice behind you. “Where do you think you’re going?” His word choice was harsh, but his tone gentle. You squeaked out a quiet ‘what do you mean?’ before turning yourself back around to face him. “I just mean, you walk away from me every time I try to talk to you,” he responded, running his hand through his hair nervously. You bit your lip, unsure on how to answer him. “I don’t want to get my hopes up,” you finally uttered. “And besides, you have Layla to keep you company,” you countered, your voice a tad harder than you meant for it to be at the mention of your sister’s name.

The expression on his face was blank before his eyes narrowed. “Wait, why are you so jealous of Layla?” Your shoulders shrugged. “I wouldn’t say I’m jealous, it’s just she’s so much prettier than I am,” you confessed, “she’s beautiful and she’s confident. She’s experienced, and fun, and I’m none of that,” you went on, your voice breaking at the end.

As you finished your sentence, your friends had made their way into the restaurant to see how things were going… which was clearly not what they had expected. They stayed in the sidelines though, watching to see where things were going to go.

He always knew you were timid, but he didn’t think you would be so insecure. To him you were so much more different than any one he had met on the island before. You were beautiful in your own way, kind, and caring. There was more to you than any girl he had encountered, and probably more than anyone he would ever encounter in the future, and he didn’t even know you to your fullest extent yet.

“I don’t want her though, Y/N, I want you. You make me feel… you make feel. And I hate it. I hate that someone I don’t fully know can make me feel this way, but I like you, Y/N. Not Sarah Cameron or any other girl, or even Layla, but you. You are the best kind of different there is and it’s unimaginable how you don’t see that,” he ranted on. You were quiet for a moment, soaking in the words he had just told you. You couldn’t believe that he felt this way about you, always assuming he was interested in your sister by the things she had told you. Now you felt kind of foolish to be jealous when you didn’t even have his side until now. “I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I had no idea,” you confessed, a small smile forming on your lips. He brought his hand up towards your face and lightly brushed your cheek, nearing your lips, with the pad of his thumb. “It’s okay, you had no idea,” he agreed, a goofy grin adorning his features. You closed your eyes for a few moments at his soft touch, then opened them, only to be met with his.

“Do you want to kiss as bad as I do right now?” he spoke up, a light chuckle. You smiled and nodded your head, “absolutely.”

He was slow in leaning in and when your lips finally met, nothing but lightness enamored your thoughts. Everything about this was right, and good. You and Topper were right, and good.

As the two of you finished, you both couldn’t help but giggle wholeheartedly at what just happened. And behind you, you had heard an array of reactions. There were some hoot and hollers, a couple of awes, and of course a gagging sound made by the one and only JJ. You playfully rolled your eyes at him over Topper’s shoulder.

“So, should we proceed with the date that that your friends set up for us?” he wriggled his eyebrows as he turned his attention towards the table that was still empty waiting for you two. With that, you let him lead the way and he even pulled out your chair for you.

The two of you sat there for hours, discussing anything and everything about one another. You learned there was more to Topper than just the rich party boy who desperately wanted to fit in, especially with Rafe and Kelce. Sometimes he could do or say dumb things, but he was a good person. Furthermore, even though he knew you were a genuine person, he learned that that was what you were through and through. It wasn’t a façade, and he admired you even more than before. The two of you realized how well you could balance each other out, and how much of a good thing you two were about to become.

#topper thornton #outer banks #jj maybank #topper thornton imagine #topper thornton x reader

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oneyanderegirl · 4 years

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Desire

Genre: One-shot, Hurt/Comfort, Angst Rating: T Sasuhina Month 2020 Theme Day 7 (Desire)

A/N: I decided to skipped over Day 6. I swear I feel like every time I write, it gets longer and longer lol. Part of my one-shot series for Sasuhina Month 2020. You can read the other parts by going on my profile and clicking the fanfiction tab. They’re not written in a particular order since they are one-shots that are supposed to work as stand-alones, but there are hints here and there about when and where things take place. Anyways, hope you enjoy! Warnings: Mentions of death.

@sasuhinamonth (in case this doesn’t show up in the tags)

It began on a whim.

Sasuke did not anticipate becoming this involved in her life.

The woman named Hinata Hyuga was an odd mystery in his eyes.

They had known each other since childhood due to being born from the two biggest clans in Konoha. The Uchihas and Hyugas were famous for their rivalry as well as their prowess. He remembered attending several meetings with his family to socialize and discuss clan issues with the other prominent ones, including their rivals of course.

The adults had called it parties.

He called it boring.

But those days had long been over. The Uchihas had eventually died in cold blood because of the man known as Itachi Uchiha. He was one of the strongest shinobi to have ever lived in this world.

He was also Sasuke’s older brother.

Even that seemed like a far away memory now. Itachi was already dead. Sasuke had finally avenged his clan. Or that was what he had thought before he had found out the real reasoning behind his brother’s actions. The demise of the Uchiha clan was due to Konoha itself; they had been afraid of the Uchiha’s growing influence within the village and afraid of an uprising to overthrow the system in place. They had ordered Itachi to nip it before anything could take place. They had forced Itachi to kill his friends, lover, and even his own flesh and blood.

Yet despite the horror that his brother was forced to go through, Itachi’s last wish was for Sasuke to continue to protect the very village that had essentially killed the Uchiha.

He never understood why his brother would still want to protect the village after what they had done to their clan. It had left Sasuke with more questions than answers. He could never tell what his brother was thinking. It was something that Sasuke was still trying to figure out. It was why he had decided to leave Konoha to travel in the first place.

He needed time to think.

He needed time to ponder. There were too many things to do, too many things to figure out. He couldn’t stay in the village. He had to leave. He had to in order to find the answers he needed.

So Sasuke travelled.

He travelled wherever the wind blew. Whether it was far or near, he would go. He would explore and learn about the different cultures that existed. He had developed a habit of recording what he saw and what he learned. It had almost become a ritual at this point. Sasuke didn’t mind though, rather he found it calming and fulfilling to do so. It gave him a purpose.

A hawk landed on a rock where Sasuke was currently sitting. The bird ruffled its brown feathers before dropping an envelope in front of him. He reached into his brown bag to grab a piece of dried fish and tossed it to the bird as a reward for a successful delivery. Sasuke watched the hawk squawk in joy as he eagerly devoured the food before looking at the letter he had just delivered to him.

The letter was wrapped neatly in a lavender colored envelope with his name written nicely in the front. There was also a blue paper charm that contained pressed petals from a sunflower taped next on top of the envelope. Sasuke was quite perplexed by the gift as he was not expecting anything from her.

“ Sora, she’s quite persistent isn’t she?” He asked the hawk.

Of course, the hawk was much too busy enjoying his snack to respond.

Hinata Hyuga.

She was the heiress to the Hyuga clan, famous for her highly developed Byakugan. Although they had attended the same academy and became shinobi around the same time, the two of them were mostly strangers towards one another. His most prominent memory of her was her famously large crush on his best friend during their genin days. Other than that, Sasuke could not really recall much about the woman other than her heritage.

Yet for some reason, ever since the War had ended, she had constantly and desperately tried to seek him out.

He remembered that night when he had decided to visit Naruto to catch up about life and his travels, he had spotted her quietly watching them. At first, Sasuke had thought that it was his best friend who she had wanted to see, but then he noticed that she had kept staring at him instead. When he had finally finished talking with Naruto and started to leave, she had tried to follow him.

“ I...know this is a selfish request of mine, but...i-if it’s okay with you...I would like to see you again,” She asked between each breath.

Hinata slowly looked at the man towering before her. His cool expression gave away no emotion. She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. She wondered if it was a mistake to ask him.

“ What good will that do? We aren’t friends, Hyuga. I have no interest in doing so either. I have my own things that I have to do. If you want to grieve then do so at your own expense. Don’t come to me to do it,”

“ Please...Please, Sasuke-kun,” She whispered.

She begged him.

She begged as tears started falling from her tired eyes.

But Sasuke was already gone.

He quickly buried away the letter and the paper charm into his bag before starting to eat.

Sasuke was not stupid. He knew why she had seeked him out. It was like that when he had been hospitalized as well. She had seeked him over there too.

“ If you’re going to come in, then just do it already, it’s already late.”

Sasuke had felt a presence in front of his door. Surprised at who the person was behind the door, he made it known that he could tell she was there. He watched as Hinata slowly came into the room. He could make out the scrapes and bruises that had formed on her body from the War. What stood out the most though were her silvery eyes.

They held no light within them.

“ I never expected you, of all people, would come and visit.” He said.

His words held no malice nor its usual coldness. Sasuke felt tired after all. The War had just ended only a few days prior, yet his mind was still not at peace. He watched the woman sit on the floor and bury herself into her hands and knees. Perhaps she too was tired.

Tired of war.

Tired of death.

Tired of the corrupt world that existed.

Tired of living.

It didn’t matter though because in his eyes, Sasuke felt exhausted. He questioned the wish that his brother had left behind. Itachi had suffered due to Konoha, yet it was his dying wish for Sasuke to continue to protect it. Why? He couldn’t understand.

“D-do you think I’m being s-silly right now?” She suddenly asked.

Sasuke didn’t know what to say, so he decided to stare out the window to look at the moon. The moon was shining brightly in the sky, brighter than any of the stars. Yet despite the beauty it held, he could only think of how dull and lifeless the moon looked as it stood alone by itself in the vast darkness.

“ A-ah...Sorry. I know I sound a little strange right now. I apologize for disturbing you. I just had a lot on my mind lately. I’m sure you’ve heard that my...cousin had died.” Hinata tried to explain.

“ I know. I heard.”

Neji Hyuga.

A Branch member of the Hyuga clan. He was regarded as a prodigy, much like himself, during their academy days. Although he never did get to properly fight him, Sasuke respected the man. Even though he was of a lower class, Neji had worked hard to make himself strong. He was probably the strongest Hyuga of their generation. When Sasuke learned of his death, he felt that it was a shame the Hyuga never received the proper chance to prove himself. “ How do you deal with the pain of losing a loved one?” She finally asked.

Sasuke kept staring out the window for what felt like an eternity before turning to face her. Neji had died protecting the woman he considered a sister in a way similar to how Itachi had tried to protect Sasuke. Though the methods they had taken in doing so were different, ultimately, they both had ended up dying in order to protect their most precious person. Though he could not understand why either of them had decided to make such a sacrifice, Sasuke knew one thing.

“ We move forward. We have to live. We have to strive to protect them. If we can’t protect their physical bodies, then the least we can do is protect their ideals. It doesn’t matter how much you cry or suffer, you have to live anyways. If you don’t, then it just means their deaths were in vain. Don’t waste the life they gave you.”

The words that he had spoken were more for himself than it was for her, but Hinata still looked surprised at his words. They weren’t words of sympathy or pity. There were no apologies nor were there empty condolences within the words he had spoken. They were truly his own thoughts.

Words that he held in his heart because Sasuke knew that no one else would ever understand him. They would never understand the pain that he had to go through, the pain that he was still going through. The pain of not just losing a loved one, but of losing someone that had loved you more than anyone else in the world. More than their friends, more than their lovers, they had sacrificed their own lives due to the love that the two had held for them. That was how important Sasuke and Hinata were to their older brothers.

Perhaps that was why she had started crying when he had said those words to her.

She had cried and cried until there were no tears left. When the last of her tears were wiped, she had started to leave. She bowed to him before turning towards the door.

Sasuke didn’t know why she had decided to come to him for advice, but he knew that she was going through the same emotions that he had gone through. The grief that Hinata was experiencing was something that he was all too familiar with. For the first time, he felt something other than grief and rage bubble up inside of him. Perhaps the War had worn his heart out, but watching her cry had, in some ways, reminded Sasuke of himself.

It had reminded him of the loneliness he had felt as he watched his clan members die.

It had reminded him of the helplessness he had felt as he watched his parents be murdered in cold blood. It had reminded him of the pain he had felt as he watched his brother, the last remaining family member, perish into the heavens.

An experience that no one should have to endure alone.

“ Hyuga,” He finally called out, surprising both Hinata and himself.

The moment her pale grey eyes met his dark ones, Sasuke felt a sense of mutual understanding between them. An unspoken connection that had formed from their shared pain. Sasuke didn’t know why, but he felt the desire to comfort her in that moment. It was irrational of him to do so, it just wasn’t in his nature, yet that was the only conclusion he could come to as he tried to make sense of this unfamiliar feeling forming in his heart.

“ You’re not silly for feeling what you feel. Remember that.”

The only response she gave was a small smile before leaving his room.

Yet it was a smile he would never forget.

It had all begun at that point.

The night after he had rejected Hinata’s desire to see him again, Sasuke kept thinking back to the hospital. He kept thinking back to the moment they had shared together. Her smile, her tears, her expressions, they kept preoccupying his mind. The emotions he had felt watching her as she reminded Sasuke of himself in his own grief was a strange experience. The desire to comfort her was odd. So out of this desire that he couldn’t get rid of, Sasuke had decided to allow her to write letters to him.

To his surprise, Hinata had graciously accepted.

She would write about once a week to him. Sometimes the envelopes felt very bulky. Other times, it would feel like there was no paper at all. Although Sasuke never wrote back, she still continued to write to him.

He never bothered to read them. When his hawk would fly by to drop the letters, Sasuke would just bury it in his backpack and forget about them. He was much too occupied with his own things to worry about hers. Still, she never stopped writing to him. It soon became a routine for them, she would write to him, he would shove it in his bag and continue on the day. He didn’t mind, she didn’t seem to mind either. So Sasuke left it at that.

But you could only travel alone for so long before the sensation of loneliness sinks in.

-----

One day, after almost a year of travelling alone, almost six months since Hinata had started writing to him, Sasuke suddenly felt a wave of loneliness hit him. It was a starless night with the moon hidden away, Sora had already flown into the forest to rest for the night while Sasuke laid in his sleeping bag trying to sleep. He was only halfway through slumber when he had woken up from a nightmare.

Nightmares were common for the Uchiha. He first started having them after watching his parents die. It was something that Sasuke had learned to get used to over the years.

But it was especially bad tonight.

Knowing he couldn’t sleep any more, Sasuke stared at the vast sky. The forest was eerily silent tonight. Not a sound could be heard. Even the wind itself was still. The darkness felt like a black void waiting to ensnare him. All he could see was a vast abyss of nothingness.

There were no stars.

The moon had disappeared.

There was no light.

It was then that the thought finally hit him.

Sasuke was truly alone.

When was the last time he had talked to Naruto? When was the last time he had a decent conversation with his friend? When was the last time he had seen him in person?

When was the last time Sasuke interacted with someone?

He felt the palms of his hands become sticky with sweat. His heart rate had jumped up significantly from his own panicked thoughts. His throat felt dry. His breathing became shallow as if there was no air left to breathe. He felt his body tremble with fear as if there was a monster hidden somewhere in the forest.

But there was no monster.

There was no one.

He was alone.

Sasuke couldn’t stand it anymore. He felt the need to leave. He had to leave. He had to do something, anything, to get this chilling feeling out of his mind. Grabbing his bag, he quickly opened it to get a drink of water to quench his thirst.

However, when he looked inside, he stopped.

Letters.

He had forgotten about the letters.

All his previous thoughts had vanished when he saw the piles of letters inside his bag. All of his attention had shifted to the letters Hinata had written to him. He had never bothered to read a single one. He was not interested.

But now, perhaps due to the discomfort and panic that he was feeling, Sasuke slowly reached into his bag for one. He chose one of the lavender envelopes with his name neatly on it. His fingers gently brushed against the surface, feeling each delicate stroke she had written so elegantly to ensure that he knew it was addressed for him.

Then he slowly opened it, careful not to rip off a part of the letter.

And he began reading.

He never realized how much she had written to him.

Some of the letters were as long as five pages, others were as short as one paragraph, but within each letter, Sasuke could tell that everything Hinata had written came genuinely from her heart. She wrote to him about various things. From trivial things, such as what she had for lunch that day, to much deeper topics such as the regrets she had felt after her cousin had died, she wrote about them all.

Sasuke faithfully read through each one, making sure not a word was missed. He wasn’t sure why Hinata had written so much, but he found her words comforting in a way. It felt as if he was getting to know her little by little through each letter. Before he knew it, the panic he had experienced earlier had already dissipated along with the isolation that he had felt. The only thing left over was a sense of tranquility. A new profound peace that he hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Perhaps the reason why he had helped her that night in the hospital and why he had decided to let her write to him wasn’t because he had wanted to comfort her. Rather, it may have been because deep within his heart, he knew that the one who had wanted to be comforted was himself.

After reading about half the letters, Sasuke finally felt exhaustion hit him. He decided he would finish reading them in the morning, so he neatly placed each one back into his bag before laying back down in his sleeping bag. The moment he laid down, he felt sleepy. A tiredness that felt relaxing rather than full of distress. And as Sasuke finally fell asleep, a new unfamiliar emotion started to grow in his heart.

It was desire.

A desire to see Hinata again.

#sasuhina #sasuhinamonth2020 #sasuhina month #shmonth2020 #personal #writing #AL #fanfiction #fanfics

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keplercryptids · 4 years

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nonfiction LGBTQ+ books i read this year

i read a lot this year, and a good chunk of it was LGBTQ+ nonfiction. so i thought it might be nice to list what i read. as a note, many of these books deal with LGBTQ history in the United States. too often, mainstream US-centric LGBTQ texts focus on white middle-class cisgender folks, though I’ve done my best to balance that as much as possible with other perspectives. (that being said, if you got ‘em, i would LOVE book recommendations that tackle worldwide/non-white LGBTQ issues!)

Accessibility notes: Given the nature of the genre, there’s a lot of intense discussion re: homophobia and transphobia. Basically every book listed covers those things to some extent, and I’ve specified where there’s additional potentially triggering content. (If you have specific questions about triggers, please let me know!) also, some of these books are on the academic side. I’ve done my best to note when a book was very academic or when I found it to be more readable. (full disclosure on that note: I’m a college grad and voracious reader without any reading-specific learning disabilities, so my opinion may be different than yours!) as a final note, I was able to access most of these as e-books/audiobooks through my local library. I live in a major metropolitan area, if that gives you any idea of how easy it’ll be for you to find these books. I’ve noted when a book was more difficult to get my hands on.

History

Gay New York: Gender, Urban Culture, and the Making of the Gay Male World 1890-1940 by George Chauncey. As the title suggests, this book focuses on gay male communities in NYC pre-World War 2. Even with that limited scope, this is an important read to better understand gay male history in the early 20th century. Gay communities thrived in the early 1900s and this snapshot of that is really wonderful. This is definitely more of an academic read, but I highly recommend it. while it definitely focuses on white middle-class gay men, there was more discussion of poor and/or gay men of color than i had actually expected, so that’s nice. (CW for rape and sexual assault, homophobic violence and medicalization of homosexuality.)

Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville. Finally, a book about queer history that actually talks about black people! I was expecting more of a history book, whereas this was more of a critique of specific novels, plays and movies of the early 1900s and was way more focused than i was expecting. don’t get me wrong, I majored in English lit so i’m super into that kind of analysis as well, it just wasn’t as far-reaching as I would have liked. Also, it’s very academic. (Only the print version was available at my library.) (CW for racism, mentions of slavery.)

Transgender History by Susan Striker. This book describes itself as an “approachable introductory text” to transgender history in the US, which I agree with. It’s a pretty short read given the enormity of the topic, so it doesn’t go into much detail about specific groups or events, but imo it’s a good introduction. Especially interesting to me was the information about where and when TERF ideology began. Academic but on the easier-to-read side. (CW for transphobia, gross TERF rhetoric, brief mentions of the AIDS crisis, police violence.)

Gay Revolution by Lillian Faderman. okay so, I gave this 1 star. it’s probably a good book if you know absolutely nothing about US LGBTQ history and want an intro, but a review on goodreads said that it should be called Gay Assimilation instead and i completely agree. Faderman focuses on white middle-to-upper class gay and lesbian assimilationists, often at the expense of radical queer and trans people of color. The latter is hardly mentioned at all, which is ridiculous given trans folks’ contributions to the LGBTQ movement. When radical people ARE mentioned, it’s often in a disparaging way, or in a way that positions the radicals as too extreme. Faderman constantly repeats the refrain that the fight for LGBT rights was “just like what black people did for their rights” without any addendum about why that is...not a good take. There’s no meaningful discussion of race, class or intersectionality. She lauds Obama as a hero for the gays and there’s a ton (I mean a TON) of content about how military acceptance + gay marriage = we won, or whatever. anyway, i wasn’t a fan, although many of the events and organizations discussed in this book are important to know just from a factual basis. (CW for all the stuff I mentioned, plus police violence, medicalization of homosexuality. it’s also fucking LONG so i recommend the audiobook, lol.)

Queer (In)Justice: The Criminalization of LGBT People in the United States by Joey L. Mogul, Andrea J. Ritchie, and Kay Whitlock. This is “a searing examination of queer experiences--as ‘suspects,’ defendants, prisoners, and survivors of crime.” A frequently upsetting but super important read about how LGBTQ identities have been policed in the past, and currently are policed today. i wish there was more focus on trans folks, but other than that it’s a solid read. (CW for all the things you’d expect a book about policing and imprisoning LGBTQ folks to include: police and institutionalized violence, sexual assault, transphobia, homophobia.)

Stonewall by Martin Duberman. This book follows the lives and activism of six LGBTQ folks before, during and after the Stonewall riots. Note: Stonewall itself is only discussed in one chapter about 2/3 of the way through, the rest of the book dedicated to the six individuals’ lives and activism up to and after that point. It’s a history book with a strong narrative focus that I found to be a fairly accessible read. (CW for minors engaging in sex work and sexual predation by adults, sexual and domestic violence, police violence, drug and alcohol abuse, mentions of suicide.)

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic by Randy Shilts. This is a HEAVY but really important read about the AIDS epidemic in the US, tracking the disease and the political/cultural response from about 1980-1985. It’s journalistic nonfiction, so although it’s a very long book I found it easier to read than more academic-y books. the only thing i really disliked was how the book demonized “Patient Zero” in quite unfair ways, but it was originally published in ‘87 so that explains part of it. I want to stress again that it’s heavy, as you’d expect a book about thousands of deaths to be. (CW: oh boy where to start. Graphic descriptions of disease/death, graphic descriptions of sex, medical neglect, republican nonsense.)

Memoirs, essays, etc

Persistence: All Ways Butch and Femme edited by Ivan E. Coyote. i felt mixed about this one! i appreciated the different perspectives regarding gender and desire, especially since this anthology contains a lot of essays by people who came of age in the 60s-80s (so there’s a historical bent too). but some of the essays feel dated, at best, and offensive at worst. there was more than one instance of TERF-y ideology thrown in. probably 1/4 of the essays were really really great, and i’d still recommend reading it in order to form your own opinions--also, imo it’s useful to see where TERF ideology comes from. this book was harder to find, and i had to order a print version through interlibrary loan. (CW for a few TERFy essays. i read this earlier in the year so it’s possible i’m forgetting some other triggers, sorry!)

Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation by (editors) Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman. Serving as a follow-up of sorts to Bornstein’s Gender Outlaw, this is a collection of narratives by transgender and gender-nonconforming folks. While not “history” in a technical sense, many of the writers are 30+ and give a wide array of LGBTQ+ experiences, past and present, that are important. I didn’t agree with every single viewpoint, of course, duh! But some of the essays were really powerful and overall it’s a good read. (CW for one essay about eating disorders, some outdated language/reclaimed slurs as to be expected--language is one of the main themes of the collection actually so the “outdatedness” is important.)

S/He by Minnie Bruce Pratt. A memoir published in 1995, focusing on Minnie’s life, marriage, gender identity, eventual coming out and relationship with Leslie Feinberg. i really enjoyed this one. it was beautifully written. there are many erotic elements to this memoir so keep that in mind. also was a little harder to get, and i had to order a print version via interlibrary loan. (i read this awhile ago and can’t remember specific triggers, sorry! if anyone knows of some, please let me know.)

I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya. A memoir by a trans woman ruminating on masculinity. it’s beautiful and very short (truly more of a longform essay), so it’s a good one if you don’t have the attention span/time for longer books. (CW for sexism, harassment, transphobia.)

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde. god, this memoir is gorgeous and is one of my favorite books of the year. it chronicles Audre’s childhood in Harlem and her coming-of-age in the 1950s as a lesbian. ultimately, this is a book about love and that resonates throughout every page. idk can you tell i loved this book so much??? (CW for child abuse, sexual assault, a friend’s suicide, racism.)

We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir by Samra Habib. suuuuch a good book! Samra writes about her life as she and her family arrive in Canada as refugees from Pakistan in her early childhood, onto her life today as a queer Muslim woman of color, photographer and activist. beautifully written and just such an important perspective. Only the print version was available at my library. (CW for child sexual assault, a suicide attempt and suicidal ideation, non-graphic mentions of domestic violence, racism and sexism.)

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kababe. this is a beautifully illustrated graphic novel memoir about the author’s journey of discovering eir identity as queer. i related to a lot of it, which was great on a personal level, but i also think it could be a great educational tool for those wanting to know more about gender queerness (especially for those who prefer graphic novels!) (CW for gender dysphoria, descriptions of gynecological exams, imagery of blood and a couple pages depicting being impaled, some nudity, vomit.)

#lgbtq history #lgbtq #book recs #lgbtq books #lgbtq nonfiction #booktalk #queer history #queer

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yue-muffin · 3 years

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I finished Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance for the first time and wow, am I impressed. Having only played the 3DS era games and started Sacred Stones recently, I came to expect a certain range of quality and reach in terms of story. There are games that I found not overly complex but executed well (Echoes) and ones with a good premise and sloppy execution (Fates). Sacred Stones, so far, is one I find with a simple story done well. I’m not terribly enthralled with it, but there’s nothing there to annoy me either.

Path of Radiance is one of those games that takes the ‘simple/standard FE plot’ path, but the execution is brilliant, filled with both depth and heart despite the story having the same basic beats as many other FEs. I was really impressed with the worldbuilding, the character writing, the gameplay/story integration...

My biggest gripe with Awakening and Fates was that the characters were colorful, but few of them were compelling and many lacked the depth to take them beyond their archetypes. Path of Radiance did a good job making me feel that its characters all had a stake in the outcome of the battles, that they had an actual cause to fight for and didn’t just join the army just because. There is always a bit of contrivance in an FE game, but the quality of the writing can lessen or emphasize that feeling.

The gameplay mechanics change from game to game, and I find it really fun to test out the unique features of each installment and see how they influenced each other. the shoving animations are amazing

People also say this is one of the easiest FE games and I have to say, the bonus exp mechanic is probably why. I love this mechanic because of the way it allows the game to reward the player for taking certain actions encouraged by the story (like wanting to spare as many of the enemy as possible = we’ll give you bonus exp if you do). I, uh, am never doing a stealth run of the prison break chapter again though.

I went ultra vanilla and restricted myself to using only the Greil Mercenaries for this run, and I’ll leave my impressions on this post because half the fun of a FE game is building up your team.

I went with the Greil Mercenaries (+ Mia, because she joins them for the second game) for my first playthrough because otherwise I would have no reason to use both Rolf AND Shinon at the same time and Rhys would just warm the bench the whole game lol. And I was really curious to see Rolf and Shinon’s support line and actually have a use for all of those light magic tomes.

Ike: My Ike didn’t get screwed over in any stat, so absolutely no complaints other than the fact that he refused to proc Aether more than once in the Black Knight fight, making Nasir bail him out at the end of the allotted turns. I supported him with Soren because I wanted to see their support line, and have to say that it worked out really well. I was between Soren and Oscar, but it worked better this way because Oscar was always riding off with Titania at the front and Ike just lags behind unless you dedicate several units + Reyson to shoving him to the frontline. And when you’re using Mist, Rolf, and Soren, that really cuts into the units available for shoving.

Oscar: He, uh, ended up the MVP and netted the most kills in the run. Oscar can become an amazing paladin, but mine was so screwed in the strength stat for much of the early game that I had to abuse the bexp mechanic at the base to ensure he didn’t keep lagging behind. His defenses were super good by the end, and the little damage he did take was mitigated by activating Sol every other hit. Also, I have a bias for calvary units, so. Oscar. Loved him.

Titania: I...I love Titania. I love her character. She plays her role perfectly as the super strong unit who is there to support you in the beginning and falls off a little towards the end. She can still hold her own in the endgame, however, and I have no regrets for relying on her early on. There is so much experience to be had in normal mode that she doesn’t really rob anyone else of it unless you go ham and let her destroy everything. In the end, I gave her Savior so she can help deliver chip damage and save Shinon’s ass, I mean, rescue drop people.

Boyd: Super frustrating and nerve wracking to train, super hard hitter who still keeps you on your toes by the end. He is the most lopsided unit I have ever used (comparatively low defenses, speed, and skill compared to his attack and HP) but he was definitely fun and made sure I didn’t get too complacent. I don’t normally use fighters/axe units in the modern games because their accuracy is shit, their defenses are even more shit, and why bother with the headache. Once you can forge Boyd a good iron axe, though, his performance becomes more consistent. I did keep Tempest on him for a while, because I find it fun to use the skills a unit comes with, but I took it off eventually. It does help in certain situations when his hit rate isn’t so good (having the biorhythm doubled then is helpful).

Soren: I have a bias for this little asshole, lol. He’s a standard mage, basically. Kind of annoying to train in the beginning because he can barely take a hit, his movement is low, and MAGIC MAKES THE EMULATOR CRASH SOMETIMES, but if you can stick it out, you’ll be rewarded in the end with a unit that doesn’t care about how physically bulky any enemy is and can take down dragons with ease (plus, he heals A LOT because of his high magic stat even with a basic heal staff). I will admit, he’s a walking liability if Ike isn’t his support partner and magic in this game is slightly annoying because each element has its own weapon rank. He basically ate all of my Arms Scrolls because he has FOUR ranks to build (including the staff rank) and all of them have their uses, so I didn’t have him concentrate in one or the other. Although he gets weighed down by a lot of tomes because he is a twig, mine capped speed and didn’t have a problem doubling the dragons in the endgame with Thoron.

Rhys: One of the reasons I did a Greil Mercenaries run haha. He’s not a bad healer. It’s just that there’s benefit to training Mist as your main healer for that one fight later on, and having a team with THREE HEALERS is overkill (unless for whatever reason you made one of your mages use knives...). The problem is that while Soren can take a hit and Mist can run away, Rhys can do neither. His magic stat is very good though, and he was objectively better than my Mist by the end except that he wasn’t on a horse. He was really useful for the endgame since I gave him the Purge tome. Finally, he didn’t have to risk his neck to actually fight. I lowkey love his character though.

Mist: She is so cute, but mine was so screwed in the stats department. If not for bexp, it would have been a nightmare to train her and Rhys at the same time. I early promoted both of them, but getting her to level 10 was hard. Mine ended up getting magic on so few level ups, that I gave her two spirit dusts by the endgame and it was still amazingly low. Her strength stat was 13. 13!! I love the horse, though. Makes her a lot easier to use once promoted. She has no shoving capabilities, though, whereas Rhys (frail, sickly man he is) can shove like half the army. Go figure.

Mia: I love Mia. She can have my heart and run with it. In newer games I tend not to use mercenaries/swordmasters because their movement is kind of eh, their dodge-tank capabilities are not that impressive, and I don’t like relying on crits too much, but Mia was such an awesome addition to the team. It can be a bit difficult to train her in the beginning given her low defense, HP, and strength, but once she gets going, she wrecks things like nobody’s business. Would have liked to do some Wrath combos with her, but mine had Vantage and Adept and that worked just fine with a Killing Edge or a forged sword of some sort. The only issue is her super low strength cap (22?? really??) but the reliability of her crits and/or skill procs make up for that if you can get her past the early game.

Rolf: ROLF. Literally only viable because of bexp. I actually really love how they wrote his character, but what were they thinking by making him join so late, with such low bases AND his strength growth isn’t even that good (40%, less than Oscar’s). All else could be forgiven if his strength growth was at least 50% like his speed. If you can’t actually do damage, there’s no point. Once you pour exp into him like nobody’s business, he can actually be a good unit. I do really like using him, and mine got enough defense and resistance that he wasn’t a liability, but he definitely needs investment. On the other hand, his hit rates were so good that Gamble actually worked well on him.

Shinon: The racist asshole whose only redeeming quality is his relationship with Rolf. I loved their support chain, and actually I do like how the game put him on our team (after giving you a hard time recruiting him) because of how it brings an element of realism makes these characters more human, but yikes he’s potentially worse than Rolf to train because of how long he’s gone for. If you put aside the need for even more bexp to use him, he’s a pretty good crit unit. And he can surprisingly take a hit once trained. I left Provoke on him and BOY he nearly got himself killed in the endgame, but it is pretty nice to draw aggro in order to get some enemies closer for the foot-locked units to kill.

Gatrie: I miss tanks. Newer games make them so much less fun to use because they don’t tank very well (I’m looking at you, Fates...). Gatrie can’t get places fast and only laguz can shove him, but it was fun having someone who can take a million hits and soften enemies up for the others to take care of. He can’t really one round anything because he can’t double and leaves them with a few hit points left (except if he procs Luna) but he’s a worth while addition to the team. Takes a bit of bexp though, since he often doesn’t get as many kills as the rest.

Reyson: Not a Greil Mercenary, but like I was going to pass up a dancer singer who can refresh FOUR units. It was a pain in the behind to get the Knight Ring, but he does make really good use of it. He can also use the Full Guard ring so he can enter certain areas without being murdered by ballistas. I love his bird form, and the fact that frail heron man can SHOVE people who the tiny people in my army can’t (Mist, Rolf, Soren, I’m looking at you). no but really, Reyson’s character is actually really good too, I like him.

It was, uh, interesting getting through some of these chapters without a flier. Absolutely not necessary to have one, and if it was a chapter where I kind of needed someone, I just used Tanith or Janaff (the Naesala chapter was the only one that was annoying without a trained flier).

I genuinely had no idea who to stick skills on, haha. This was an interesting system where you really had to think about who to give a skill since they’re like old TMs in Pokemon...one use only. I like to have some limitations in the skill system though, unlike Awakening and Fates where it’s a free for all. I just like the more limited set of options.

#the muffin's video gaming adventures

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #295

i’m not listening to music so am blanking on lyrics to put here lol

Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this rapper? Eminem. "Cinderella Man" is probably my favorite, or "Space Bound." How about your favorite band? And your favorite song by this band? Ozzy Osbourne, if I had to pick solely one. God, picking a favorite song, though... idk, maybe "Trap Door," but it's almost impossible for me to decide. Have you ever had the cops called on you? For what? No. Would you rather be home alone, or have people with you? Why? I'd rather have people home, but alone in my room. I just feel less lonely. Have you ever dropped a class in school? Which class, and why did it suck? I dropped some class in college that I can't remember the name of... I completely misjudged what it would be like. I had absolutely zero interest. I feel like I've dropped another, too? Have you ever taken someone back, who ended up just hurting you again? No. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nicole. What was the last thing you printed? Is there even ink in your printer? Something for school, I'm sure. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yeah, my driving instructor in HS. Have you ever been in handcuffs? Why, exactly? Yeah, to be transported from the ER to psych hospitals, as well as handcuffs among other restraints when going to court to explain why I was eligible for an earlier discharge from the hospital. That's one of the scariest experiences of my life, feeling like a bound lunatic. Have you ever had to be put to sleep at a hospital? Why? Yeah, for two surgeries. Do you actually have a calendar on your wall? What are the pictures of? I have two old meerkat ones that are just for decoration. Have you ever been on a cruise? How many? Where did they go? No. Do you have a favorite author? No. Does your significant other boss you around a lot? I don't have one, but I wouldn't tolerate that shit. Do you know anyone who has overdosed? Me, but I obviously lived. I think I've loosely or distantly known people who weren't so lucky. Are you a fan of PDA (public displays of affection)? As long as it's not too intense, I think it's sweet. It's beautiful to see love expressed. When was the last time you went bowling? A few years ago for Girt and my first date. Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? I do. Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages? Yes, for school essays. I think my longest was about toxic masculinity. I'm actually really proud of it; I think my instructor used it as an example for her next semester's students, given that I was notified of an influx of views on it. Do you have any names picked out for your future children? What are they? Hypothetically speaking, if I had a daughter, Alessandra is her name, period, lol. I would like to name my never-happening son Damien, but I'd be more open to suggestions from my partner. Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? Oh yikes, no thank you. Do you have/want any piercings? I have a good number and seriously want more. What side of the bed do you sleep on? More towards the left. Who is the last person you told a secret to? Nicole, about Misty coming down here for a visit. Have you ever been on an island? Yes, just off the NC coast during a 4th grade school vacation. It was amazing and even had wild horses. What's your favorite job you've ever had? I guess GameStop was the best, since I was actually interested in what I worked with. Do you have any vacations planned? No. Do you enjoy getting manicures/pedicures? How often do you get them? I mean it's nice I guess, but it's not something I'd spend money on. Have you yelled at anyone today, and why? No. Do you own anything with your state or providence's name on it? No. Do you like the Paranormal Activity movies? Yeah. Paranormal is my favorite subgenre of horror. What's your favorite way to eat peanut butter? On waffles, haha. Do you like bows? Yeah, they're cute. Have you ever made a 'haul' YouTube video? No. Has a boyfriend ever made you breakfast? Yeah, that was quite ordinary with Jason since his original intention was to be a chef. What do you gather your change in? My wallet. Do you like to play Angry Birds? I never have. The movie was cute, tho. Do you like Cheez-Its? Oh GOD. I looooove Cheez-Its and they need to be kept away from me to avoid bingeing on them. Have you ever been pulled aside for a random bag search at an airport? I don't think so, no. What’s your favorite flavor of Jell-O? Watermelon, I think? Or strawberry? Do you have any games on your computer? Which ones? On my personal laptop, I have World of Warcraft, Alien: Isolation, Resident Evil 6, and both Amnesia games. I think that's it. What's a musical instrument you think sounds really beautiful? Violins. Do you have a favorite type of pasta? (like a shape of noodles, not dish) I'm not particular about this, really. What's the coolest natural event you've ever witnessed? Maybe the blood moon. Are there any waterfalls near where you live? No, just dams. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I know people who have had smaller works published, but calling them an "author" feels odd since it's not their actual career or anything. Is that rude? Do you own a polaroid camera? No, but that'd be cool. Do you think you’ll ever end up in rehab? No. Who’s your favorite Kardashian sister? I don't have an opinion. Is there someone you absolutely cannot stand but have to tolerate? My sister's husband. "Absolutely cannot stand" might be a bit strong, but... Do you want to go to pregnancy classes? If I was to ever be pregnant, no. My mom would be able to answer all things related to this, haha. Do you ever cringe at the thought of living in a disgusting house? Yes. What color are your bathroom towels? We have a variety. How often do you let cleavage show? I'm not very revealing, but I'm also not self-conscious of allowing some. Does vintage stuff appeal to you? Yes! Where do you want to go? I'd love to visit Sara again, but not so long as Covid hangs around. Have you ever had feelings for two people at the same time? Something like that with Jason and Juan before I chose Jason. I don't even really know if I like-liked Juan versus just being flattered by him. Would you ever throw out or give away something an ex gave you? I mean, what's the item in question? And are we on good terms (not that that would always matter)? What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now? Right now, Covid. I know, surprising I didn't say "not having a job," but so long Covid is an issue, I don't think I would be comfortable having one. I can't bring that shit home to my weak mother. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? Mom. What do you want right this second? To actually be skinny again. It's hard to believe in my teens I thought I wasn't. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I'm actually quite the opposite... It's sad, I know I'd have less trouble losing weight if I could just stop drinking it regularly. Have you ever been afraid to get up and go to the bathroom? ... No...? Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? I don't believe so, no. Who’d you last see in a tux? Hm. Probably when I shot a wedding. Out of everyone you know, who has the most heart? Uhhhh I dunno. Who’s the bravest person you know? Probably my mom. Who would you want to have your back if things got tough? Again, my mother. Have you ever dated someone who was really sporty? Nah. Are you any good at writing? I think so. What’s your favorite form of writing? I don't know if it counts as a "form" as much as it is a subject, but RP. Writing with characters you yourself have created and actually engaging with other's inventions is very fun. Have you ever done something terrible, but took forever to feel bad? Yes, over things I'd said to Jason following the breakup. It literally took years because I was so convinced it was all justified. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember. Sure feels great though that my nightmares are chilling out. What profession do you admire the most? That's tough, but probably those that put their lives on the line for others, like firefighters. I also have massive respect for people like doctors, given all the time and work they put into their education to become one and help others. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Well, seeing as I was an initial homophobe that eventually realized I was bisexualllll... Do you have a garden at your house? No. Do you like making puppet figures with your shadow? When I was a kid, sure. Have you ever played strip poker or would you ever? No, but I won't say absolutely never if I was just with my s/o. It's not something I'm actually interested in doing, though. Would you date someone who didn’t want to have sex until they were married? Yep. Would you date someone who went to church on a regular basis? To be totally honest, I don't know if me and a person that actively religious would work out, but I'd try it, ig. What is your favorite curse word? I say "fuck" way too much lmao. It's an intense word and I'm a passionate person, lol. What movie do you know just about every line from? None. Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. What are the three “nevers” of your life? To name just a few that I'm absolutely certain about, I'd never do hard drugs, commit murder (unless in self-defense, but is that even "murder?"), or abuse somebody. Last board game you played? I think it was "Sorry!" when I was babysitting Ryder. Last card game you played? Christ, Uno. My niece went through a phase of like obsessively playing it with me because I would let her win. Last thing you got for free? Christmas gifts. How long have you been tattooed? If you’re not, do you want to get tattooed? I got my first tat the day I turned 18. Last baby shower? My sister's last year. Last wedding? A repeat photography client's. Her family is lovely. Last funeral? I don't think I've been to a funeral (not wake) since I was maybe a preteen and my childhood babysitter died... It's sad that I didn't go to my grandmother's, but I didn't really have that choice. What is your band’s name? Or fantasy band ;)? Haha, my Rock Band one was "Bullets and Butterflies." How many different strip clubs have you been to? None. Do you have any nieces/nephews? Technically a lot, but only three are regular parts of my life. How many cars have you ever owned? Me personally, none. Can you do math in your head well? ABSOLUTELY not. Who is your favorite Star Wars character? I only care about the Ewoks ok. I'm not a fan of the franchise. Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party? No. Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail? No. Have you ever given someone a fake phone number? No. Do you have any bumper stickers on your car? N/A Have you ever gone golfing? Only mini-golfing as a kid. Well, and on an anniversary date with Jason. Actual golfing doesn't interest me. If you became famous for something, what would it be? To be entirely realistic versus idealistic, probably something I wrote. How many friends do you have that are married? A whole lot. Do you still have your wisdom teeth? Yes. When you were a kid, were you ever afraid of cooties? No, it was just a playful joke. Do you ever go Christmas caroling in December? No. Do you like mango? Mango flavored stuff, oh yes. I don't like actual mangos; they're too mushy. What was the last thing you got falsely accused of? I don't know. Have you ever been kicked out of a store? No. What does caffeine do to you? Nothing, really. I think I'm too accustomed to it being in my system. Would other people describe you as creative? Very. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Hm, maybe paint. Names of best friends you've had: Brianna, Kimberly, Jenna, Megan, Mini, Sara... I don't remember them all. Were you one of the smartest in your class? Through most of my school experience, yes. Will you let your kids have a YouTube channel, do you think? If I wanted kids, it would depend on their age and what they were making. Have you ever owned a designer purse? No. Do you like the taste of Tums? Taste, yes. Chalky texture, fuck no. I like the chewy ones, though. Are you currently learning a new language? No. What culture are you most interested in learning about? Maybe Indian? Do you own anything skull print? Oh, loads of stuff. Who are the three people you consider yourself closest to? Mom, Sara, and uh... Dad. Do you like crackers with your soup? Soggy crackers are gross. I don't really like soup, anyway. Which ex of yours means the most to you? Sara. What is something that never fails to make you feel accomplished? Cleaning. Do wooded areas freak you out in the evening or night? No, I love 'em. Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? No, I'm not comfortable with the idea of riding one. Do you iron any of your clothes? No. Do you think long, straight hair is pretty? Yes, if it's healthy. Do you have a fireplace in your home? Yes. Did you have a class pet in grade school? No. Have you ever owned an aquarium? No. Do you prefer mints or gum? I'd say gum. Popsicles or fudgesicles? Ohhh, fudgesicles. What is your favorite flavor of hot pockets? I only even moderately enjoy the ham and cheese ones. Do you like apple juice? Yeah, but there's definitely better juices.

#survey #surveys #questions #questionnaire

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diarrheaworldstarhiphop · 4 years

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Five years ago, while a student at Columbia, Sulkowicz lugged a dorm-issue, extra-long twin mattress around campus for as long as she had to attend school with her alleged rapist. This was Mattress Performance (Carry That Weight), a globally viral art piece that made visible the weight of campus sexual assault. It transformed Sulkowicz into an icon. Since then, her artworks have regularly roused the internet: a video of her reenacting her assault, a bondage performance at the Whitney that doubled as institutional critique. This past spring, she tweeted an image that was perhaps even more provocative: a photo of her grinning alongside two of her libertarian critics — not performance art, she insists, but a byproduct of her new curiosity about other views.

“All my clothes are in boxes,” she tells me, gesturing apologetically to her oversize charcoal hoodie. She’s in the midst of moving from a sublet owned by a tantra instructor (mirrors surrounding the bed to create an infinite regression — that kind of thing) to an apartment in lower Manhattan whose location she asks me not to reveal, since “there’s some really scary people who are obsessed with me.” Her hair is short-cropped and coffee black, its natural color after years of bright dyes, and her voice is buoyant, laughter always bubbling underneath. Since 2016, Sulkowicz has identified as gender fluid, and she sometimes uses they/them pronouns. When I ask what to use for this article, she texts me, “Lol I’m not clear about it either,” before settling on she/her.

During the summer of 2018, Sulkowicz tells me, she was single for the first time in years. Swiping through Tinder, a man she found “distasteful” super-liked her. “It smelled like Connecticut,” she says of his profile. “He was very blond, law school, cut jawline, trapezoidal body figure, tweed suit kind of vibe, but something inside of me made me swipe right, I don’t know.” They began messaging, and she found him witty. “He was actually way more fun to talk to than any other person I matched with.”

Eventually, Sulkowicz stalked him on Twitter and realized that he was conservative — “like, very conservative.” At first, she was repulsed and considered breaking it off. But then she thought, “Wait, actually, that’s kind of fucked up because he’s the most interesting person I’ve come across, shouldn’t I be open to talking to him?” After dispelling her initial fear, she texted him that it would be “interesting (progressive? Powerful?) for two people who might be the antithesis of each other to go on a Tinder date.”

Ahead of this date, they traded reading assignments: Sulkowicz gave him the password to protected areas of her website, and he sent pieces he’d written for conservative magazines, which she printed, annotated with her critiques, and brought to their date. This man expected Sulkowicz to be “the patron saint of wokeness,” but when he met her, he found that she wasn’t actually trying to litigate the issues — she was mostly just “curious about this different perspective that she had not been as familiar with.” The two “sort of dated” for a while and then realized that their chemistry was more conversational. They became “amazing friends.”

Not having known conservatives before, Sulkowicz had to play catch up. Early in their friendship, she asked him to recommend one book to help her understand him, and he picked Jonathan Haidt’s The Righteous Mind. It’s a book that explains, in evolutionary terms, the human tendency toward political tribalism and the importance, in light of that, of learning from one another’s beliefs. She calls the book “mind-opening.” Its resonance with her new friendship did not escape her.

Shortly after, Sulkowicz attended a book talk of Haidt’s. This was for The Coddling of the American Mind, which diagnoses the campus left with the kinds of cognitive distortions that addle the chronically anxious and depressed: a tendency to blow everyday problems out of proportion, or to believe that one’s negative feelings reflect reality. This book kicked a hornet’s nest on the left, and when Haidt learned that Sulkowicz was at his talk, he didn’t assume she was a fan. “I expected her to be the sort of person who sometimes asks the angry question when I give lectures on campuses,” Haidt tells me. “And when I first saw her and she had blue hair, that fed my assumptions and expectations about what her views and values would be.” But Sulkowicz surprised him. “It changed the way I think about politics,” she said about The Righteous Mind, “and I wanted to thank you for it.” The two became friends.

Soon, she began attending house parties and happy hours with conservative and libertarian intellectuals, reading Jordan Peterson and articles from the National Review. In the past, Sulkowicz dismissed opposing views without understanding them, but now she sees intellectual curiosity as intertwined with respect: she wants to disagree with people on their own terms. This is an ethical position, but one with personal resonance. “I’ve always been upset,” she admits, “that there are people out there who assume that I’m a bad or mean person without ever having met me.” When she describes her political journey, she fixates on the experience of surprising people, of walking into a group who might otherwise dislike her and “disrupting their expectations.” At these parties, she reflects, “I can become fuller to certain people rather than staying the same caricature. I’m going from flat to round.”

- - -

A couple weeks after our lunch, Sulkowicz brings me to a book party at a dark bar on Bleecker Street. Here, she introduces me to her friend from Tinder, who asks that I not use his real name for this article. (It might be a distraction at his white-shoe law firm and, besides, “Emma is inured to online hate, but I am not.”) When he asks if he can choose his own pseudonym, I tell him sure. He picks Chad. It’s a reference to the incel term for men who, due to serendipitous genetics, are attractive enough to have oodles of sex. All of us laugh, but Sulkowicz laughs loudest, her voice tinkling, bell-like, and leaping between octaves.

Chad is a Chad, by the way, and he does “smell like Connecticut”: he has cornsilk hair, a shieldlike chest, and a jawline that an incel might show his surgeon for inspiration. But Chad is also a different kind of conservative than I imagined. Rather than a bowtie-sporting William F. Buckley type thumbing his nose at populism, he finds Reaganism laughably passé and aligns himself with Tucker Carlson’s anti-elite drive to regulate markets. He says that he would support some of Trump’s policy agenda, if only the president were competent enough to achieve it.

This party is for Robby Soave, a libertarian reporter on the snowflake beat whose new book, Panic Attack: Young Radicals in the Age of Trump, is — per Soave’s own description — “a book that is extremely critical of [Sulkowicz] and that I don’t wish her to read.” Soave met Sulkowicz a month or so before at another libertarian happy hour. Initially bewildered, he warmed to her, finding her to be inquisitive and even fun to talk to. “We exchanged contact information,” he tells me later, “and talked about maybe becoming, I guess, friends or something?” He laughs incredulously as he says this, sounding a bit on edge.

As Sulkowicz swirls around the party, her presence stirs an obvious question: whether this is performance art. Soave brings it up twice when we speak on the phone afterward, acknowledging the possibility that he’s being set up. While he’s inclined to believe that Sulkowicz is moved by earnest curiosity, he’s aware of her background in “elaborately planned performance art” and her reputation as a provocateur. Since graduating from Columbia in 2015, Sulkowicz has done around a dozen performances touching on issues like consent, anti-institutionalism, climate change, trauma, wellness, and female sexual desire. It’s natural to wonder if she’s currently breaking bread with this crowd to lampoon civility politics or to expose views she hates. Honestly, it might be harder to believe that she’s simply trying to learn.

But Sulkowicz is adamant that this isn’t performance. In fact, she insists that she’s quitting art altogether. After one of our lunches, she bikes off to return the keys to her studio, which she’s emptied and swept clean. “For many years,” she explains, “I wasn’t interested in listening to other points of view. I was very emotional and making performance-art pieces that were very reactionary and fiery.” Without disowning them, she describes these artworks as something she “got out of her system.”

Having found the art world humorless, narrow-minded, and grotesquely competitive, Sulkowicz says she stopped making art about a year ago. She quit a fellowship at a museum, ceased teaching art classes, and was essentially unemployed for a time, drawing income from occasional speaking gigs, mostly about campus sexual assault. (Her remarks on Me Too have been fewer; she supports it, but wants a clearer path to forgiveness.) She has been working on a memoir that draws on her diaries from Mattress Performance, and last month, she started a full-time, four-year master’s program in traditional Chinese medicine. There, she’ll learn skills from acupuncture to herbalism, which have been her “personal healing modality” for years. Sulkowicz has parried assumptions that this is performance art, too. It grates on her. “I’m a human and humans can change,” she says, insistently. “I’m telling you that I don’t want to make art anymore.”

But in some ways, it’s easier to assume that Sulkowicz’s political posture is performance art: this provides a clear motive, one that’s politically straightforward. If Sulkowicz is not making art, then it’s much harder to grasp why she’s doing this and what it means. Part of the confusion, Sulkowicz assumes, springs from a pervasive misunderstanding about who she is, rooted in the dissonance between her public image and private consciousness. While many assume she’s at Soave’s book party for some admixture of art and progressive politics, Sulkowicz says she’s mostly there for fun.

#emma sulkowicz #profile #mattress performance (carry that weight)#politics #power

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