#I hate everything about myself and i deserve this

[toomanywatchers]

My Thoughts on WatcherTV

Hi, I am here to put away my meme-making skills to express my genuine thoughts on Watcher’s announcement; WatcherTV. Before I get into it, this is for any of those at Team Watcher who might be seeing this message: Just know we love and support everything you do for us. Y’all truly do not get the credit you rightfully deserve. I hope with this change to a separate streaming platform you guys can create the content you want to make, pull in creators that you’ve always wanted to work with, and share voices/topics that may have not had the chance to shine because of YouTube’s heinous algorithm. I know myself, and many others, are excited to see what WatcherTV brings. For instance, I already watched Road Files and the trailer for Travel Season on the new platform. And guess what? I love it! I just love BTS-centric shows and seeing the vibes established on Travel Season. Along with more Lizzie/possibly-more-sightings-of-other-Team-Watcher-peeps content?!? If this is what holds for the future of WatcherTV- oh boy, do you already have me more on board than I already was.

I also send my sincerest regards too. We all know that the internet can be a negative space with many sharing their uncensored thoughts, and I hope none of you take the hate to heart. I also hope you can take the weekend to breathe, drink some water, spend time with loved ones, and celebrate this huge step you all are embarking on. I am truly excited to see what is to come on WatcherTV will be there with each step to support.

Now to my fellow fans of Watcher. I understand the concern and it is okay to have concerns. It shows that you truly care for Watcher as a company and don’t want anything negative to come about with this decision. BUT on the other hand, spreading hateful messages? Not. Fucking. Cool. It is quite simple to express concern in an appropriate/respectful manner. Remember, this is a company full of living and breathing human beings. Trying to justify “who is to blame” and pointing fingers is just childish. Guess what? No one is to blame, it was a company-wide decision that they all made and spent months upon months to create.

Yes, it does suck to see content that was free for years be moved to a paywall, but remember they are independent artists that have to pay employees, freelancers, locations, and themselves! Have we not been advocating for fair pay among creative individuals when it comes to WGA/SAG-AFTRA strikes and then AI art taking jobs away from artists? If this is what the company needs to do to survive while not sacrificing the high-quality content they make for us, then we should give it a shot! Plus with the current discount available, the subscription is not that pricey for the amount of shows they produce! Literally for January and a bit of February, they were uploading 2 podcasts and 2 separate shows… that’s a lot of content! If you have never sat down to produce, direct, write, perform, edit, and all other aspects it takes to make a fine-polished YouTube video, it takes a lot of work!

To add to this, Watcher already makes content that far expands past what is recognized as normal for YouTube. They build individual sets for each show that is produced, and they travel all over the place for Ghost Files and soon-to-be Travel Season. It costs money to produce content and YouTube?- It’s just not how it was years and years ago. Views on long-form content have been dipping and with the over-saturation of sponsorships, I am assuming they are not making enough profit to sustain the business on the current platform. Also, monetization on YouTube has been a killer for many channels because of vulgar language issues and just being demonetized for no rhyme or reason. By moving over to a streaming platform of their own they can continue to create what they want to create, and make it without any restrictions or rules holding them back. Too pricey? Find some friends who also like the content and split the pricing evenly. Only want to watch certain shows? Then make a monthly subscription for the time that show airs. There are many solutions that you guys see as a huge problem, and don’t get me wrong I have my concerns. I shared those concerns briefly in my theory post about them still being a young channel, but I’m also unaware of the actual analytics and revenue that is currently being brought in currently to the company from YouTube alone. 

It’s a huge step that has garnered negative feedback from those spreading hateful messages about the company and to other individuals for supporting the boys *cough cough I see your messages and comments cough cough* is truly uncalled for. I will be taking a bit of a break from my socials as I wait out the storm though if I have the energy, I might stream on Twitch again and talk through this with y’all if you can sit down and have a civil discussion. As for now, it’s your choice if you continue to support. My goal is to continue to make funny little memes, and if I am allowed to I will be working on a crack video pt.2 after Travel Season premieres. Remember to be kind and to put yourselves in their shows. Just the boys even though they are receiving the brunt of the hate, but for everyone at the company.

Your local memester watcherina - Fritz.

#watcher #watcher entertainment #ryan bergara #shane madej #steven lim #watcher tv #my thoughts

[skunkes]

i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc

#oc text #obvs sparse description of the events bc i dont mean for it to be gratuitous #even if i decided to explore it further in some medium the focus wouldnt be gratuitous ykwim #not that there werent awful stuff within that but my focus with talon is also more exploration of like #even stuff that isnt a big deal (which it wasnt at first) can effect someone greatly #and then once it does get a bit worse the focus is still more on the effects of how he views himself and the aftermath #AS WELL AS LIKE. well. did i do this to myself? i went back. do i deserve this? #he's a lot like me and the reason i like the self insert dynamic is bc he thinks of cheye as Me If It Didnt All Go Horribly #bc ive not gone thru the Extreme but i have had interactions with ppl who very enthusiastically thought i was ummmm underage!!! #while they were already being creepy toward me and making me nervous abt my safety ! #so this isnt ''he's umm 400 but looks 12 bc i want to do weird shit with him 😏'' dude drawing him Fed makes me so sad sometimes... #we're also weird eating buddies <3 #and grief buddies <3 he actually further spawned out of my need to deal with a lot of family members passing away in such a short time #severe death phobia buddies... #i still dont know how he really feels about his Old Wrinkly Form btw all i know is he feels safe in it #as much as id love to sway toward ''he thinks he's hot like that. because he is.'' i also dont want to convey the wrong message wrt this #form being due to....disordered eating caused by Issues. ykwim #though! he can shapeshift quite well when he's fed and maybe he'd choose that form willingly if he ever got. Past everything #he does hate that he never gets to actually age...! he wishes he cld age normally like a mortal...(still scared of dying though) #but we cant knoww for certain yet ykwim. maybe he'll let me know soon. #my issue with talon other than i suck at plots is well he has too many of my issues. and. idk how to solve them. #he's growing with me. #oh and have we noticed he's mean to me when *im* being mean to me...MANY such metaphors #ok goodnite

[pansyfemme]

i think this time of year is cursed

#last year i got horribly sick and depressed #this year i had to flee my dorm and miss classes to keep myself safe from harassment until i could work out moving times #im so fucking angry i am fuming i am furious i want to scream #i did absolutly nothing to deserve this. this wasnt a mutual argument this wasn’t a bad roomate thing this was a person using the fact that #i am a traumatized trans person to intimidate and harass me and make me feel unwelcome in my housing #i feel sick with rage. #im well liked on campus im doing fantastic in all my classes i am doing everything i can #and one person decided he hated me and fucked up my entire semester #the good thing is i am never sleeping there again. i am not returning to that dorm until i am there to move out and i am greatful #but im just so upset about the whole thing. #everyone on campus agrees i did nothing. that i didnt cause this. but i still have to carry the burden of moving #he will be talked to and i dont think he will ever feel welcome on campus after this but i am so angry he thinks so little of me he thought #he could make my life hell and face no punishment for it.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[greylight32]

I took the, "which Kiddad are you?" quiz, and I got Lark Oak-Garcia.... And I don't know how I feel about it.

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #dndaddies #lark oak #I took a test and it really read me like a book #a fucking children's book in fact #and I don't know how to feel #because like #I love hate this man #All I want for him is to be happy #and to be healthy and in a loving relationship with someone who is head over heels for him #but at the same time all I want is his pain #and to hate himself #for things he couldn't really control and things that he could #and never forgive himself for them even when the people he loves tell him it's alright #because how the fuck could they know whats wrong when he's the one who fucked up #and for him to think he doesn't deserve love because of everything he's ever done #and I'm trying to figure out if that says something about my relationship with myself or not

[melto]

my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.

#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy #which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself #but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible #and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them #and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them #and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it #and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about #but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me #even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around #And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes #somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much #but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself #so everything they had said about me has been true for so long. #every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car #every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart #i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god #im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up. #i think im going to throw up right now. #deeply pathetic. #news with isaac

[local-limebug]

what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body

#limebug.txt #literally its my life and i can live it however i want #and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry #just fucking. let people live. god #if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs #insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place?? #god i hate religious people sometimes #so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes #religion. well thats self explanatory #but mental illness?? #that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too #you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now?? #and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too #people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else #that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away #even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone #and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway #'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it #i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation. #i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy. #transphobes are not the brightest

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[asordidbarwere]

first valentine's day in a long time that I have someone worth doting on and I'm wasting it feeling like shit about myself and my identity and everything else

#literally can't think about anything other than not feeling like i deserve to call myself trans #and how being called a lesbian makes me uncomfortable but being considered a lesbian brings my gf such joy #so if we're together wtf does that mean #i wish everything were easier #i feel like nothing compared to the transfem struggle #hatred isnt constantly weaponized against me #what right do i have to claim the trans identity at all #i hate being considered a woman but i do nothing to suggest I'm anything else #like i think i can just declare ''I'm a boy'' and have that mean shit #is there even a kind of masculinity that exists in this world that isn't just oppressive and violent #how can i say i admire those things and strive for them in front of someone who hates how it was expected of them their whole life #why am i so not okay with transitioning #why can't i do anything but live in fear #I'm going to fuck this up. i finally get to know what real love feels like and I'm going to sabotage all of it #I'm going to make them hate me and there's nothing i can do #it's just a matter of time #I'm scared that they'll go in hrt and it will make them unrecognizable to me as the person i fell in love with #and isn't that horrible of me? doesn't that make me as much of a transphobic monster as my ex #i feel like absolute shit. i wish I'd died in that car accident. i wish I'd never met someone who makes me so happy #so that i wouldn't have anything to fear losing or changing #i wish i didn't exist. i hate this whole fucking world #and also what disgusting level of privilege we all have to be giving a fuck about our genders while a genocide rages on #i wish i could wish for death but i don't wish for my gf to go through that loss #i wish i truly had nothing to lose. i don't deserve a damn thing

[lesbiansanemi]

When will I learn that I don’t actually like bnha that much

#I was like ‘hey I’ll finally catch up on the new season’ #and literally the entire time I’m like ‘this sucks and is boring’ #and that has happened like…. the last three seasons #I haven’t actually enjoyed watching this series since I was like 17 #maybe…. I should stop lying to myself and just accept I don’t like it #I literally only pay attention if shigaraki dabi or toga are on screen because they are the only ones I care about at this point #except even with them everything post the dabi being Touya reveal I am just mad about how they’re being handled nfjfkdkd #shigaraki especially I’m like ‘wow!!!! you don’t deserve a character like him and are fucking him up!!!!’ #anyways #yeah I don’t think I like this series lmfao #but then again…. I hated naruto even more and watched all 700 episodes so I don’t think this realization will keep me from watching it 😭😭 #kaz rambles

[jellyfish3s]

are you fucking serious that i hated pink during five years of my life to all of sudden my obsession come back

#i mean. five years #i was obsessed during nine years and hated it for five and now im all soft pink lovegirl #maybe im finally healing my femininity? maybe im saying to the younger me that i shouldn't have changed to be “less extra”? #idk. but i love soft pink again and i love being a woman and i love dresses and lipsticks and silly rainy days and love letters #younger me would be happy to see that im finally tossing my self-hate with my sexuality in the trash. she knew better that i could #love girls WHILE loving the whole girlypop thing than i do #i think it's time to heal this too. my hyper-feminine-lesbian self #and i think i already started by accepting that i love everything about the feminine in myself #it's time to grow out of the shell <3 #i never belonged inside these small shapes anyways! i was made to be happy and live a life in my unique way #neurodivergent and lesbian and a woman and a poc and successful and everything else #everyone deserves to be happy. i don't know why i didn't believe my own words. #end of the talk! #danaë speaks

[tortademaracuya]

love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me

#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her #she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked #and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!! #if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...? #i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit #woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo #maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it #why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am #maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again #sigh #haunted.txt #maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness #even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage #even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies

[salsflore]

ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~ #my favorite image on this device btw ^ #cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than- #-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i- #-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something- #-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because- #-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles- #-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years- #-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and- #-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great- #-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do? #how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time? #i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun- #-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!! #how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

[crucifixcavity]

vent in tags

#🍎diary #for backstory my brother had suddenly blocked me on everything last year after I told him about the abuse our dad put us through #any way he finally saw my messages and got back to me. #months of wondering how he is and if he’s okay and the first thing he tells me #is that he cant I’m decide if I’m a liar or not #WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO GAIN FROM LYING ABOUT RAPE #even I can recognize that I truly don’t deserve this kind of treatment #I wish it was all a lie I wish our father didn’t rape and molest me multiple times as a child. like I’m sorry #he’s back to not speaking to me but the most insulting thing is him thinking #that I would lie to him about something like this?? #we have always been so close. he knows me. he knows I’m not someone to do that. #my life never has a dull moment I FUCKING GUESS #if anything I’m at least relieved he never had the same experiences with our father. #my brother may hate my guts for this but I am so happy he won’t ever understand this pain #but to be honest it would have been easier for him to tell me to kill myself than calling me a fucking liar

[tillbonesshow]

So...

May or may not have discovered something about myself that left me kind of numb

I think i finally realized one of the main reasons why i sh or push myself/my body really hard sometimes: it feels like I'm justifying my existence when i do it

I've been handed most things i needed in life and only had to actually work for very little; i never experienced true pain or hurt before

Whenever i sh i feel a tiny bit of the pain that i think i should've been feeling since long ago

Whenever i push myself to my limits i feel like I'm actually trying; almost like I'm starting to pay back for all that i had in my life without having to work for it

I can't help thinking i just got lucky with the life i had yet had the nerve to hate it when others had to fight and struggle to get even a quarter of what i got

I know it's not a competition or some kind of fucked up race but still i can't shake the fact that I'm just a privileged whiny piece of shit out of my head

I don't know how to deal with this information

I feel even more worthless now lol

#tw sh related #actually this explains more than just pushing myself and sh #it explains why i feel empty when i don't donate for a long time #or why i hate to turn down most requests anyone asks of me #or the thoughts i get about wanting to give other people things i was born with and had no control over because i think they deserve it- #-more like some genetic traits of mine or life conditions #i never suffered but other people had to yet my life is easier than theirs and i have the stupid audacity to complain #i was handed everything i ever needed but why doesn't it feel like #why am i constantly sad confused tired frustrated and empty when i don't deserve to feel this way #*doesn't it feel like it

[steinwayandhissons]

why do i do this to myself every time (reading comments under am posts)

#can people just shut the FUCK up #i can’t believe they’ve taken valuable time out of their day to write the most horrible unprovoked shit #like who the fuck asked whether you don’t like their new music #jesus christ im angry #everything they do goes against them somehow and im tired of it but i know it’s not ever gonna stop #fucking assholes don’t deserve them #idk how they can just say the most hurtful spiteful not to mention rude comments about them #all they’ve done is make music and stayed true to their ideals and followed their hearts #if you don’t like something that’s fine but you don’t have to whine about it on the internet to a bunch of people who don’t give a shit #what are they thinking? that commenting hate is gonna make them change? #go touch some grass get some fucking sense knocked into you #im gonna stop now bc I’ve got myself worked up it’s just so shit that this is what they get for just existing #and trying to accommodate to stupid fuckers who need to get their heads out of their assholes