#I hate how much I’ve been held back bc my brain doesn’t know how chemicals work

[ponderedthought]

Novel Update 12/13/2018

Well, Austin and I broke up (again)

This time it’s for good.

I’m not sure how I feel. I was hurt from breaking up the first time still, so not much has changed in my feelings. I cried to lexie about it and she got mad at Austin on how shitty this whole thing was handled by him. She sent him a lengthy text out of anger, and his response seemed so diplomatic and formal, it just didn’t sound sincere or genuine at all.

He’s changed a lot. He’s not the same guy I fell for a few months ago. It’s weird.  He seems selfish, lack of motivation, lack of sympathy, and just genuinely uncaring in a sense. It’s the way he goes about things. He doesn’t look at me the same or talk the same, I don’[t have any other words to say except that.

I don’t want to say the second break up was healthy, but it was definitely like a comforting experience in a way. He held me and I cried, even though I wanted to bolt out and leave angry like I deserved to, but I was so emotionally vacant and sleep deprived, I just wanted to cry and be held. He cried too, but not nearly as broken as he was a few days ago.

Me:

“you do know what you’re doing right?” “I never wanted this” “I really liked you and this is bullshit” “I’m sorry I wasn’t the person for you” “I’m going to miss you” “are you sure this is what you want?”

Him:

“I don’t want to, but I feel like it’s the right thing to do” “I’m going to miss you too” “you’ll be okay” “It’ll be hard, but you’ll be okay” “I think there’s a difference between wanting to break up and having to break up” “I don’t want to hurt you anymore” He was so fucking calm, yet teary eyed. Like he wanted to end things, even though he said he didn’t. All the what-ifs cluttered his brain in the past 4 days, he scared himself out and just pushed me out of his life. I just fucking hate guys. They never have their damn shit together, EVER.

I asked him if he thinks he’ll wake up in two weeks and regret this, he said he regretted it already, followed by a pause and said that he wouldn’t regret this in two weeks because “it’s the right thing to do”. Bullshit. You can’t like two girls at once. You like one more than the other and end it with the latter. I was the latter.

I sincerely believe he wanted to get back with me the second time to lessen his hurt. I should have stayed gone the first time and let him live in pain, but I also would’ve kick myself over “what could have been”, even though it hardly ever works out. I feel stupid. This happened with Brayden. You’d think I would have learned by now. Newsflash: it always ends the same. Just stay done if you have the willpower.

It’s like a few days ago he was begging to have me back and wanted to show me that he wanted me so bad and didn’t want to lose me. He saw a future with me and it tore himself up at work bc I was no longer part of it. All of that 180′d to “I was talking to Josiah and he said he dated a girl who was perfect as well, they dated for 2 years, but it didn’t feel right. Sometimes you just can’t have a future, and I just don’t see it anymore with us. How can we have a future? Knowing I put you through this. I don’t deserve you. Also, if I have a crush on another girl while in a relationship, then maybe you really aren’t the one”

- or maybe I was fucking gone for a month and you were bored and your attention went elsewhere. Grow up.

His words felt like knives twisting my wounds from 4 days ago. I remember feeling this spurt of a tingling-like sensation all over my body for a just a second when he said “we have to break up”. Whatever chemical was released in my body, I never want to feel that again. It felt like a physical heartbreak. I only had that feeling once before, and it was when Brayden and I ended. Maybe I really did love him, or was very close. Idk. It doesn’t matter anymore.

I talked to Colt about it, and apparently this was incredibly unexpected, because just the night before, according to Colt, they talked about us. I don’t know what was said, but apparently he did “a complete 360 from what he said about us last night” I think he meant 180, but whatever. I’m getting drinks with Colt tomorrow and seeing whats up, and to see Colt before he goes to California in January and I’ll be in Texas during all of break. Maybe him and Austin will go out tonight and talk. God I hope I don’t run into him. It’s suppose to rain too. So maybe they won’t.

He made it clear that we will not be getting back together.

It’s funny to me, because his emotions are just so not him. True colors really showed I guess.

I’m done dating until post grad. I should have listened to my guy friends, they all told me to not date until grad. Lol for once they were right. I’ll be applying to jobs over break and perfecting my resume. I’m getting the fuck out of here in May.

The biggest misconception here is that, when I say I’m ready to leave, I mean that yes I love Fayetteville with all my heart and I’m forever grateful for the experiences I’ve had and the love I have for my friends who’ve supported me this whole time, and for those who reached out during my break up and showered me with love and support even though we don’t hang out regularly. I’m so fuckin grateful, but there’s a big world out there to make mine, I don’t want to settle in Fayetteville for the rest of my life.

They say everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe God gave me happiness, and was like,

“Girl, there’s a whole world for you out there with people that will treat you like a queen, but you can’t stay in Fayetteville. With your love, patience, drive, and work ethic, there are others out there that need you, and for that unfortunately, I’m going to have to close this chapter for you. But just wait, you’ll see”

I can’t help but feel a sense of relief in a way, because in my heart and intuition, I truly believe that’s what God is telling me. I really believe He has bigger plans for me, not just for my relationship life, but because I truly do have a drive... and I believe that my strive for success will be grand. It’ll all make sense one day.

I think going back to Texas for break will truly be good for me.

I’m so fuckin grateful for the love and support from literally everyone. So much fucking love. 

“I look forward to hopefully learning to give some of the love and forgiveness that I’ve given away so frivolously and easily to men in the past to myself hopefully this year.”