Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
iñaki godoy studied luffyology at the esteemed monkey d'university. he graduated top of his class. latin honors. he's on his way to get a phd. oops wait he's already got it. my god. the talent on this young man. he's got that natural troublemaker face. the class clown at the back of the class kind of energy. a kid who's hiding something in his hand. u take one glance at this guy and u know he's not up to no good. but would u follow him anyway? are u kidding me. look at him. of course u would.
The Batkids: *all sitting on the floor huddled around a phone*
Bruce, walking up: What are you guys doing?
Tim: We're playing a new game. Its like truth or dare, except it is only dare, and all the dares are decided by a random word generator set for verbs, if we need more context we can randomly generate a noun too. Here, Steph is next, watch.
Steph: *clicks the generate a word button* 'appreciate'? *Clicks for a noun* 'Scene'? Am I supposed to go to a play? Look at the top of a mountain?
Damian: you have to get to the top of the hill, adequately appreciate the scene, and get back before your next turn, otherwise you are out
Steph: *gets up and runs out of the house*
Jason: My turn *presses the randomly generate a word button* Request *presses to randomly select a noun* cookies. Fuck yes! Alfred!
Cass, soaking wet, signing: not fair
Bruce: hey, I saw Dick's car out front, where is he?
Duke: he got 'vanish'
Tim: Still better than that time Jason got 'die'
Damian: me next, 'read'
Jason, walking in with a plate full of cookies: you gotta read and finish Pride and Prejudice before your next turn.
Damian: That's impossible! Without Dick that is only 5 people before me.
Tim: Impossible if you sit here complaining. Better hop to it.
Damian: *running to the library*
Duke, stealing a cookie: you wanna try, Bruce?
Bruce: maybe just once *clicks the button* 'grin'
Tim: Batman has to smile for an entire day fighting bad guys and dealing with the Justice League
hadestown really does convince you that maybe it’ll turn out different this time. maybe eurydice wont go. maybe hades will let them go. maybe, just maybe, orpheus wont turn around early.
and then she does go. and hades makes them take a test. and doubt creeps in.
No you don't get it I'm so unwell after this video. I feel like we just got a glimpse into their life together and I'm so happy and proud of them and that they feel comfortable enough to share even a little bit of their joy with us. They're just so happy and relaxed, just look at them, and it just feels so good to see queer joy especially in people I've followed and seen through so many stages of life. Like they were there for me at my worst and brought me so much joy and I'm so glad they found that too. They deserve the world. I hope they know how much we love them.
But this stupid child body does have an effect on his reactions to things and honestly it’s a horrible thing that’s too small and too weak for him to use all his abilities. He could barely manage a fireball if he concentrated, yet everything caught fire with a mere outburst! His control was utterly gone, and a tantrum resulted in having to wear a stupid child leash backpack.
It wasn’t like he was really a child, and it wasn’t like he’d get lost or some stupid shit that Danny would insist. Ugh, this isn’t even fair, technically he was older than him yet was stuck in a smaller body that he kept tripping over!
Urgh, he’s even insisting on rewarding ‘good behavior’ and shit- must have talked to Jazz or something- because… Oh. No he wants the constellation bear, give! His star bear now, no takes back and, urgh, stupid baby body!
Well, on the other hand, it’s utterly hilarious how much Danny sputters whenever he calls him Mom, not to mention strangers’ utter befuddlement. He ignores how Danny seems to be trying his best to live up ro the title.
But! As he was saying, he’s no coward! He’s also not an idiot though, and having no control over his powers isn’t exactly a good thing. It’s really not a good thing when there’s a murderous-looking hero that he thinks he might have maimed in the future- which they apparently remember- staring down at him. So, he has to call in the big guns to fix this.
“Mom, there’s a creepy fruitloop staring at me!”
“There’s WHAT?!”
Hah. Take that hero he doesn’t remember the name of.
my Roman Empire or whatever is that G-man isn’t really called G-man their files are just called that. like oh yeah we just call em that coz the files say so. THE FILESNDKDM😭😭😭