#I have to explain anxiety and things to my parents because they don't understand why I failed again

[copperbadge]

hi, i had a medium to big question. in your post about the adhd self-help book you mentioned people with adhd being conditioned to be nonconfrontational, but i've never once in my entire life connected the two? can you break down the connection for me so that i can once again (this week, even) have my understanding of my own condition blown wide open?

So, you are not the only person to ask about this, but that's on me for being unclear -- I wasn't trying to assert that kids with ADHD are automatically conditioned to be nonconfrontational, I was more trying to be like "Hey not everyone needs lessons in medical self-advocacy but a lot of nonconfrontational people do." And I think there is a higher population of people with neurodivergence who are deeply confrontation-averse, but I don't have like, numbers for that, it's just an assumption based on other knowledge.

It gets complicated; ADHD is a disease based heavily in acting impulsively against your best interests. But yeah I do think people with ADHD are often conditioned to avoid confrontation because of two main factors: rejection-sensitive dysphoria and executive dysfunction.

RSD, which I hate perhaps more than any other symptom or behavior associated with ADHD, automatically kicks our nervous system into high gear in social situations and encodes embarrassing moments in our memory with high-def clarity. Because RSD naturally causes a level of anxiety around socialization, it tends to make us nonconfrontational simply because a) we don't want to be yelled at, b) we don't want to embarrass ourselves by getting emotional about something that may not warrant it, and c) by the time we realize what's happening our body is already on high alert which means we are likely to go into fight-flight-freeze mode.

Me, I freeze, usually, but none of those three options are great for fast thinking during an argument. I used to lose arguments a lot simply because I couldn't think or react as fast as the neurotypical person I was fighting with, so I simply stopped having fights. Notably, I did not have this problem when fighting with my brother, who is also neurodivergent and has many of the same freeze reactions I do.

If people disagree with me, even when I know I'm right I also know I probably won't be able to vocalize it properly, so I back down. Usually it's trivial so it doesn't matter, and I've gotten strategic about how and when I argue about things that do matter; it's also a lot easier to do with strangers or professionals (like doctors) where I don't have to worry about long-term social repercussions. But yeah, our own nervous system tells us "hey maybe don't pick this fight" about every single fight and if we do pick that fight, it treats our opponent as a dangerous predator.

Executive dysfunction's interaction with nonconfrontation is something I have less problem with because while I do have poor executive function, I've spent a lot of time and energy training myself to cover the Important Stuff. I have mild ADHD so I'm capable of this; I'm not trying to say everyone with ADHD is, because lord knows it's exhausting for me and I've been doing it for roughly thirty years. But essentially, I cover where it counts: if someone needs me to do something I do it, I meet deadlines, I pay bills.

So with that disclaimer in place, a very common issue especially for children with undiagnosed ADHD is that they'll be told or asked to do something and simply be unable to begin or complete it, then when they're asked why they didn't do it they can't explain. Even if they try to explain that they simply couldn't, like they were incapable of doing it for reasons they don't understand, that usually doesn't hold water with a lot of parents and teachers.

"I couldn't bring myself to write this essay," is actually something I told myself a few times in college, but it's not something I'd bother trying to tell someone else, because if you think you're neurotypical that sounds very insane. So I'd lie and say I forgot, or I'd take the fail, or I'd simply drop out of the class. Crucially I would not fight with the authority figure who was questioning me about it, because I knew I wouldn't be able to explain myself, and I'd just end up getting in more trouble for longer.

Our culture is structured for neurotypicals, and it's not even structured for all neurotypicals. Behavior that deviates from Approved Neurotypical even when you think you are Approved Neurotypical is highly punishable. So if your options are passivity, even when passivity leads to pain, or confrontation, most people who aren't Approved Neurotypical will opt for passivity once they've had a taste of where confrontation leads. I know I do.

And the thing is, there's nothing actually wrong with that. It's a strategy calculated to minimize pain. Even when I'm firing on all cylinders on a fresh dose of Adderall, I still generally let fights go unless there will be actual real consequences, because it's just not worth it. But knowing we have ADHD and knowing we fall into this pattern, I think it is good to be aware that sometimes letting a fight go is really going to fuck you, and at that point even being bad at it is better than not engaging.

I'm pretty good at calculating those, but it's a lifelong process, knowing which hills to die on when you assume you will automatically die if you ever get above sea level.

#sam has adhd #jellydishes

[adventuringblind]

Daddy Issues Part 2

Max Verstappen X Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Requested: No, but I'm in a writing mood, so I'm taking requests for Max and Charles. *Silently begs for people to not be shy*

Summary: Jos may have been dealt with for now, but parental issues for the two lovers are far from it.

Warnings: DADDY ISSUES... again, mentions of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, not proofread (I don't even proofread my college papers), Jos is a warning himself

Notes: This part is written in the second person perspective because it's more geared toward the readers' struggles. Jos does make a reappearance. At this point, it's completely self-indlugent. I'm writing from similar experiences, so please be gracious.

Also, I posted things about a novel I'm currently working on. If you have a chance, please give it a look! You can find it on my masterlist.

Masterlist // Part one // Part three

You were naïve to think that your troubles would be over after the interaction with Jos.

The air around you and Max had become significantly lighter. Max even opened up about things to his friends and was able to smile more during races.

You loved watching him. The light in his eyes even when coming in second or third.

You thought maybe the two of you would be able to heal and move forward. Max had been thriving the last six months. Both physically and mentally because of the steps he'd been taking to get there.

However, you had a different story. While Max had been able to cut off contact with Jos, you had your dad to deal with still.

Thankfully, your dad was good at putting on his best performance around people. It was the reason very few people had the privilege of understanding your relationship with your family.

You'd wanted to cut him off originally, but you couldn't because you still felt the underlying need to please him. Your mom is in a similar situation, and your sibling(s) who still had yet to be able to make that choice.

You hadn't told Max yet. Things had gotten worse for you recently. You didn't want to ruin his current state of joy.

A people pleaser by heart.

So you hid that part away and put on your best face as you basked in Max's smiles. The warmth of them helping you mask yourself.

Until it started to fall apart.

The first encounter was once again with Jos. You found him in hospitality during a race. Immediately getting defensive and ready to call security.

That was until you noticed him having a conversation with your father. The two seeming to have a lively discussion.

Then they noticed you. Hand beckoning you to come closer.

Cautiously, you approached the table. Choosing not to take a seat and standing at the end instead.

"Good to see you again! I hope you haven't missed me too much since we last spoke." Jos' voice sounded like sandpaper in your ears. The bruise on your cheek had long since healed, but being near him brought back the stinging feeling of his hand.

"I hadn't realized you both were coming." Your voice came out shakily. Fingers crossed that they didn't catch on to your ever-growing anxiety.

"Jos managed to get passes and invited me to come along. Since you and Max are close he figured we should be too." Your father explained. "Though I'm shocked they didn't come from Max himself."

You tried hard not to grimace. The realization that you might have to explain why doing nothing to help your panic creeping in slowly.

"I bet if you were as successful as Max, you wouldn't need him to give us the passes." Your father laughs in your direction.

"What is it you do again?" Jos suddenly turning towards you. A hint of a smirk on his lips.

"I'm in psychology."

"No wonder you need Max's money."

"Bet she has Max hypnotized with her knowledge of the brain or something."

The two were cracking up now. Laughing at your expense.

Your dad calmed down a moment. Breathing deeply to get his breath back. His face became neutral again, noticing the obvious frown you now dawned. "It was a joke, Y/N. There's no need to get upset. Max isn't going to be able to handle you eventually if you don't get thicker skin.

You'd had enough. Not wanting to cry in front of everyone, you turn to head back to the garage. Maybe even to hide in Max's driver room for a moment.

Though you didn't get far before a hand caught your wrist. "Stop ignoring me. It's disrespectful, and I am still your father." You didn't turn around. Didn't want him to see you cry. "I have you a life that was better than mine. My father would have never even tried. Yet, you still don't listen to me. Get your act together soon, please."

To outsiders, he sounded sincere. You, on the other hand, knew exactly what he was doing.

Yanking your hand back, you continue walking without giving the two older men a second glance.

If you were home, you would lock yourself in your room til he threatened to take your door. Then, you would shower and hide in the bathroom. If that didn't work, you would try to look productive and cry silently so he couldn't be mad at you for doing such an action as letting the tears roll. He thinks it's over dramatic.

Somtimes he would take to slamming things around. Doors, chairs, his phone, things in his room, not at you but purposely loud.

It didn't matter how hard you worked, it would never be enough. This is how you and Max are able to understand each other. You knew exactly what the other needed because both of you have lived this.

As soon as the race was over, you went to celebrate Max and his victory. The moment was joyful for him. Making a mental note to tell him what happened earlier, you decided now definitely wasn't the time.

Neither was when you got back to your hotel room after celebrating. Or when you took a phone call from your dad with more lovely words that made you feel disgusting in your own skin. Or the plane ride back to Monaco. Or when you got home and immediately went to shower because your entire body felt like it was dirty from nothing but your dad and Jos harassing you.

You didn't tell your mom either, she had enough things to deal with. You didn't tell anyone for that matter.

Max had caught on when he noticed you weren't sleeping. When you weren't eating. When you started apologizing excessively. Habits he thought he broke when he was able to get you to move in with him through constant reassurance.

Now, you were moving backward while he was moving forward.

Then he put the pieces together. He only wished he saw it sooner. Could've stopped what happened before it was pulled like a ruug out from under him.

You had flown home to see your sibling(s) for a week. You missed them dearly and wanted to spend time with them while Max was away.

It had started smoothly, your dad being civil with you, a few sarcastic remarks thrown around here and there, but nothing too bad.

He was trying to convince you to come back home, where you belonged. You kept brushing him off, telling him you're happy where you are now.

It only got worse from there. Your father and Jos had gotten closer over time. He had coincidentally come knocking at the door while you were there. He said he was in the area and wanted to say hello.

Your sibling(s) had tried to get you out of the house, but you only said it would make things worse. It earned you some feelings of sadness, but they left you to converse regardless.

The four of you sat in the living room. Your mom and you mostly listen to the two men catching up.

Then your mom left to make dinner. You stood up with the intention of following before being stopped by the pair.

"Jos tells me Max has been ignoring him."

Your tempted to roll your eyes but refrain in case he's paying close attention.

"Yes, I was wondering if you could tell me the reason behind it. Have you been filling his head with lies about our exchange awhile back?" Jos' smirk makes you want to hit him. Again you refrain, knowing that he can and will hurt you if you're out of line.

"He saw why happened." You state. Making a move to hold your ground.

"He hears what you said as he came inside. He fell for the obvious manipulation. I can't believe you even blamed the bruise on me." He fakes a look of offense.

Your father shakes his head on disgust. Your body goes rigid. Voices begin sounding like they're underwater. You hang your head in defeat as they continue to accuse you of things you would never do.

"Stop it!" You snapped. Something in you breaking loose.

In seconds, a cup was shattered against the wall, and your face was burning with the sting of someone's palm.

You know you had to leave. The adrenaline from your flight response is kicking in.

So you ran, grabbing what you could and quickly exiting the house. Your mom is doing her best to keep her distance from your dad while he throws his temper tantrum and Jos convincing him that I am an entitled brat.

You definitely didn't have all your stuff, but it didn't matter. You called an Uber and found your way back to the airport. Finding and flight back to Monaco you could.

You received a few texts from your dad before blocking him and called the rest of your family to apologize for your behavior and say you'd wished you'd had more time.

Then you called Max. You hand messaged him back since mid-morning and he was starting to get concerned.

"Hello Lovely, is everything alright? I haven't heard much from you today?" His cheery voice made your smile just a little.

"Yes, but I'm coming home early. I'm on an early flight back home." Your voice is on the verge of breaking. You send a silent prayer that he doesn't catch one.

You hear his phone buzzing with notifications. "How were things at the factory?" You ask, making an attempt to change the subject.

"Is was alright, did some marketing and PR things today. Daniel says Hello." He chuckles. "My dad has been texting me though, which is odd."

You hear him sigh deeply. "Are you sure you're okay? Because he's trying to convince me of things I know aren't true."

"Your dad was there visiting mine coincidentally." The damage holding back your tears was coming loose. "I messed everything up again."

"Mijn liefje, you did nothing of the sort." His voice once again had that gentle tone. One that made you feel safe. "I'm not sure how fast I can he back in Monaco, but I'll meet you there as soon as I can."

By the time you had landed, it was early in the morning. You considered just waiting in the airport until it was brighter and then walking home since Max was still in Austria. So, the text that came from Lando that he was coming to get you was a bit of a shock.

You were relieved when he pulled in. Satey once again within your reach.

"Thanks for coming to get me."

"No worries, Max called and asked if I could. Said it was a bit on an emergency but didn't say what happened." He smiled at you, trying to get you to become less defensive.

You hadn't realized how tense you still were. Your body is still trying to shrink in on itself.

You attempted small talk until he pulled into up to the apartment. "Thanks again for the ride." Then you rushed inside as fast as possible.

The floor became your best friend. Everything after opening the door became blurry.

When you woke up later on the bathroom floor with Max's sweatshirt as your pillow, you had no idea how it happened.

Texts from Max and Lando lined your notification wall. Your body too heavy to move however, you resigned to back to the comfort of the floor and the comforting smell of Max.

The next time you woke up, you heard keys jingling in the door.

You curled into yourself. Hiding from the inevitably of confronting what happened only a day earlier.

"Love, are you here? I'm home!"

You wanted to crawl to him. Seek comfort in his arms. But your own mind was stopping you. Replaying everything that they said about you.

You heard him drop his bags and begin his search. Bedroom, kitchen, office, terrace, then finally bathroom. He knew he should have checked their first. The bathroom had always been your safe space. He often found you just sitting in the empty bathtub if life felt overwhelming.

He peeked around the corner, his face instantly softening at the sight of you.

Neither of you said anything as he crouched down next to you. Unsure the extent of what happened, he refrained from touching you.

"Can I hug you?" His voice almost a whisper. As if speaking any louder would shatter you like that glass your dad had thrown as you made your escape.

You slowly nod yes but make no effort to move. You end up not having to as Max pulls you into his arms. Your body draped over his lap.

You felt so small in this moment, with his hand caressing the back of your head.

The dam broke. A hard sob wracked your body. Wailing into Max's chest.

"You're safe now, I got you." He whispered. His hold unrelenting until the tears were able to slow.

"I'm so sorry." Your voice muffled from his chest. "You were so happy I didn't want to ruin it, so I didn't tell you."

"I'm happiest when I know you are also doing well. You can't ruin that for me. I love you too much to see you like this." He pulled your face back, his soft eyes meeting yours.

He was finally able to take in the bruise on your cheek. Once again, not able to stop the unrelenting force of your fathers misdemeanors against you both.

He was angry, you could tell. You saw the rage flash through his eyes.

Knowing that's not what you needed right now, though, he softened again. "Who did this to you love?"

You began rapidly shaking your head no. Not wanting to relive it and not wanting to make things more difficult for him. "I can't-" you started.

"It's my job to make sure you're safe because I love you. It's not going to be an inconvenience." He always knew what to say.

"Jos." Was all you could muster before you were crying into his shoulder again.

You told him everything. All the events in the past few months. Every awful word spoken towards you. How he understood you, you have no idea.

The two of you stayed like that until you fell asleep in Max's arms. Knowing you couldn't stay here forever, he brought you to the bed and tucked you in. His lips on your forehead the last sensation before you were completely lost to your subconscious.

MAX'S POV

Everything about the situation made him want to break down. He thought he would finally be able to move on. He did, kind of, but left you behind in the process.

He knew something was wrong but didn't want to force you to open up. You needed to process things longer and came to him when you were ready.

This situation affected you differently though. Your response to your father had always been inward. Taught from a young age just to take it and nit talk about it. Convinced that you shouldn't paint your home life as bad because you had a roof over your head and food on your table.

He understands, though his reactions are different. Often not understanding that something was wrong and just talking about it like it was normal.

Daniel was the first to question, and you were the first to get him like nobody else.

You broke eachothers bad habits you'd learned from years of toxicity. Started learning better communication. Working through things and understanding eachothers responses.

He could never thank you enough for your help with his dad. Standing up for him despite the physical altercation was brave. He knew it was hard for you but you loved him enough to do it anyways.

Now, it was his turn to help you through this. He didn't care how long it took.

The bruise on your cheek only sparked a fire in him. He was tired of the hurt your fathers were causing. He knew now that both of you deserved better.

So, he would help it get better.

#max verstappen is a protector #x reader #angst #f1 fic #formula one #max verstappen #formula 1 #max verstappen x reader #super max #max verstappen x you #max verstappen x y/n #redbull racing #redbull #daddy issues #jos verstappen #lando norris x reader #lando norris #daniel ricciardo #daniel riccardo x reader #fanficion #f1 fanfic #f1 fanfiction #formula 1 fanfic #this is self indulgent #but i don't care #this man is everything to me #appreciate him #hurt/comfort #f1 pilot #racing

[lorimnnn]

Hello, would you be so kind to write for some DBD killers? If so, could you please write some headcanons on Max, Kazan and Anna taking pity on a survivor reader? She has been hiding away the whole trial and they find her shaking in a corner, hugging her knees and crying. She is so scared that she can't move and the only thing that comes out of her mouth is a weak "I just want to go home"

Than you in advance! 💗

absolutely!!!!

i do apologise for taking WAY too long with this, sometimes a lack of motivation trumps all, no matter how good the request is!

I hope what I've written is plenty enough to please you...

also, keep requesting guys! I love seeing your messages turn up in my inbox <;3

~

cw: canon-typical violence, gore, some swearing, panic/anxiety, but mostly just angsty fluff, ngl

DBD Killers With a Scared!Reader

Max Thompson Jr.

Initially... he's so confused. He doesn't know what to think, first, but avoids you as an issue to deal with later. I'd like to think the Hillbilly prefers to take care of the more difficult survivors, first--- he's just like that.

His screams terrify you. You can hear the sound or people getting torn apart and you've never been particularly fond of torture. You were a sensitive, emotional soul, and so, very kind. But make no mistake. The Entity meant for you to be here--- whoever the "Entity" was, anyway.

At this point, everybody had left you behind to fend for themself. Since the Hillbilly was an unsubtle butcher, it was easier to elude and avoid him--- giving them time to try explain to you and encourage you to do your part. But it just went in one ear and out the other. You were terrified, after all. Eventually, they just gave up and let you be, crying and frozen with your hands clamped over your ears.

How did it ever come to this?

Now you're the only one left. Max doesn't notice you at first, you know, since you're new. He thinks he's taken care of everyone, but he doesn't understand why the trial hasn't ended

Then he hears small, breathless sniffles

Whips around, confused

His chainsaw growls at his side and the crying grows louder as he nears. He hunts you down and just... finds you. Raises the chainsaw above his head and is about to kill you--- but then you look up at him, completely defeated and vulnerable, wet-eyed and quivering

You don't even try to run at that rate. How can you? Where will you go? You've never been here before. But it looks very far from home

I think it's the hopelessness in your life that makes him pause

he's completely quiet and just standing there

And realising that nobody is coming to help you, you burst into more violent wails

"I want to go home!"

Awkwarddddd

stands there watching you tear up and inwardly panics

doesn't know how to comfort anyone. his parents were terrible and tortured him, and because of his prison in the walls, he never got to make any friends

he's grappling with the feeling of duty

it's not the first time survivor's have cried before, but it's the first time one has cried and not looked at him with complete disgust or hatred. you're crying because you're scared, yes, and obviously scared of him... but it's like you're giving him an opportunity to win your trust

he finally gets to be more than an angry villain... and he's unsure where to start

so he puts down his chainsaw, first. turns it off and everything, then just chucks it somewhere behind him. he'll go find it later

you're watching him like a deer in the headlights as he gets down on his knees and carefully scoots towards you

you flinch when his hand descends close to your face... and then rests on your head

*pat pat pat*

You're still so stiff, so terrified, but your tears are beginning to cease in passion

seeing your reaction feels like a reassurance, so he does it again

a bit harsh with it though

"ow..." you say when it starts to feel like he's hitting you. "that hurts..."

oh my gosh he feels so bad

hand retreats immediately

makes a sound that has you deflating completely, because you realise he's trying. he's truly trying, and is just not very good at it

he's completely defenseless, too

you realise that with a flinch, because it means that this disfigured, monstrous killer is trying to appeal to your trust, telling you he won't kill you

you soften up a little

you fear that when he stands up because you're taking too long, he'll grab the chainsaw again and make it quick. but you don't want to die--- you saw everyone else get chopped up and you don't want that to happen to you

max stiffens when he sees you beginning to move on to your hands and knees, crawling towards him. your face is still wet but now they're full of hope, not just undiluted fear

"can... can I have a hug?"

he's so scared he'll crush you

in all honesty maxie's never gotten a hug before. he's not used to this kind of gentleness, just violent anger

so he opens his arms up slowly, jerking like a rusting machine, inviting you in the best he can. trying to smile at you, even though his face doesn't allow. it's like his hatred for his disfigurement has just been renewed--- he wishes he could look nicer, just for you

definitely has a moment where he's like, "what the fuck am I doing right now?"

very well knows the entity may punish him for this

can't bring himself to care

not when you curl up against his chest between his knees, your sobs starting up again as you grip into his clothes, holding yourself impossibly close

absolutely melts

a natural at adapting to the cuddle

wraps his arms around you like you're delicate, though. not the firmness you need but it makes you feel so special and so cared for that you just cry harder, burying your face into him

max cannot believe this is happening rn

a new, alien kind of warmth floods through him, protective and strong. he strokes your arm gently and lets you cry, wishing he knew how to help, cursing himself out for the fact he doesn't

jumps when you speak, "will I ever go home again?"

his heart practically breaks. he doesn't want to shake his head, but he has to. he doesn't understand why he hates it when you cry, but he allows it.

and he promises that he'll do everything in his ability to protect you, and make sure you never have to cry like this again

all in all a 10/10 touch-starved baby. would probably fall a little in love with you when you recover, shaky hands reaching to pull you into another hug, but not knowing if it's okay.

will bridal carry you into the hatch and drop you in, heart breaking all over again when you scream and fight to reach for him, hands desperately fumbling for grip on his clothes

but he'll see you again

just you wait, sweetpea

Kazan Yamaoka

an asshole. he's so driven by rage that he most likely won't notice at first. just destroys and destroys, reaping destruction in his chosen path

this means that you won't even have a chance to talk to the other survivors. they know how kazan is and they'll send you an apologetic glance as they all scatter, wishing they had more time to explain but knowing if they didn't work fast, they were all done for

you're on your own, kid

let's say you're a good climber. shakily, you haul yourself on to the roof and choose there to hide, because for some reason... nobody ever looks up. ever.

until the end

kazan is wracking his head for a solution--- why isn't the trial ending? hasn't he won? he killed them all... hooked, mori'd, he'd lost count. but he knew the faces of the survivors he hated the most to the ones he still couldn't stand on a lesser scale and was sure he'd made a mess of all of them. but still, the trial continued

which meant a new survivor

so who was it?

where was it?

drives himself insane trying to find you. for all his rage and godlike pride, he's not the brightest

only realises you're on the roof when you start hiccupping, panic increasing tenfold when you realise you're the only one left. You don't know about hatches, you don't know about anything. Nobody explained anything to you

And now you're stuck with a flaming, angry monster

you can't even scream. it's stuck in your throat, muffled, choking on it--- you can only watch as kazan gets closer and closer. he's even angrier than usual--- did you mean to trick him? did you plan this? of course, you wanted to make a fool out of him

approaches you with audible, potent breaths. he reminds you of a hungry lion on the prowl, an apex predator approaching you, unrivalled. proud. ego hurt.

you back away

there is no remorse in this samurai, you can see it. you're scrambling back with your hands still on your ass, sniffling. and then you slip.

it's completely clumsy and stupid. you're at the end of the roof and you didn't realise, and now you're on your back, nothing to grab on to, and rolling off the edge.

kazan watches you smack against the ground. he expects you to get up and run away again.

but when you cry out, a vulnerable, naked cry, innocent to pain like this, he stops.

he watches you sob harder, muttering to yourself. "I wanna go home, I wanna go home, I just wanna go home..."

and your eyes are clenched shut, like you're praying. don't you know your wishes are futile, here? the Entity is not a merciful god, nor is it kind

you curl up into a ball and just lay there, and he can only stare

he starts to remember how your teammates didn't even help you. they only cared for themselves and their own survival. dishonourable cowards.

they'd left you stranded, and none of them had noticed

he supposed he could try and understand their positions. they were in a high-pressure situation and they could only do what they needed to do, lest they be butchered by them premature to even the middle of the trial. but still

there was a special kind of fear you honed that made him almost feel... bad

it took him back to his youth. he remembered his dead father. that man had not been innocent to bloodshed, but he had been innocent, no less. and he had died. dead in a way he did not deserve

you reminded him of his father taking his last breath

that day, he had failed to protect his family and honour his last name. he had not been a warrior that day, but a coward

and seeing you was a painful reminder of all his regrets

so he sighed

and carefully made his way towards you

you didn't even notice him until he grabbed you by the chin, turning your head to face him. your breath hitched in your throat and you froze all over, more tears surfacing to your eyes

but the feared oni only scoffed

"I'm not here to hurt you. I would have done so already if that were the case."

you sniffled pathetically

he loosened his grip on your face

being gentle had never been his strong suit. it had been a while since he'd had such an opportunity, to be responsible for someone else's comfort. be the person they needed

swallows when you melt into his touch

your entrance had been a rude one, after all. he was the only person who'd ever stopped and attempted kindess with you in this hell hole. the other survivors had neglected you

"your arm is broken?"

"i... I think so."

"The Entity will fix it."

"Entity?"

sighs

gently explains to you where you are and what's going on. at this point, he has squatted down to sit, less beast and more man... and you have finally sat up, cradling your arm as you scoot closer. kazan has noticed but hasn't said anything, unsure of your movements but certain of your weakness

does not expect you to throw yourself into his arms

the impropriety!!!

kazan is an Edo-era samurai, come on

freezes up like he's been violated

"s-sorry," you whisper. "I just... I need someone. Please. To tell me I'll be okay."

relaxes

pity begins to transform into sympathy and something else, something that makes him feel responsible for you. Like a dad or something, or maybe even more. a possible companion

won't get ahead of himself, though

strokes your hair like a domesticated cat and eventually hauls you into the little cradle formed in the centre of his crossed legs

you're baby now

not that you're complaining

kazan is as warm as a furnace and he's the first comforting thing you've had in a while. against your will, your entire body melts and you become liquid in his arms, much to his pleasure

he finds he... may like this

he's never really given tender affection like this before. sure, he had his family, but that had been purely for the upholding o his dark legacy

now that's over and immortalised, and there's you

he doesn't mind you

remember that kazan is very headstrong and emotionally driven. he kills everyone in an episode of unparalleled anger. so of course he starts to see you in a certain way--- his little deer, little one, sweet creature

depending only on him

of course he'll take care of you when he puts it like that

but alas, he can't keep you here forever

"Little one, we must part. But I will see you again. I will make sure of it. You will be strong when I see you next time. You will not cower. Do you understand?"

You really don't, but tearfully, you nod. you don't want to disappoint and it pleases him that you care to appease to a monster at all

leads you to the hatch with one hand on the back of your neck. sends you off with an approving nod.

you'll never know how softly he smiled at you that day

Anna

with her hunting skills, you have more luck being obvious than you do hiding and being subtle. you hiding and being subtle was what gave you away immediately

and also, Anna loves a challenge

the other survivors tried dragging you around with them, explaining, but it was all in vain. you weren't moving. you weren't doing anything but crying

they gave up and abandoned you when it compromised their own safety to be around you

but some stayed

who was it? leon. of course it's leon. he's too noble, too kind-hearted to leave you behind

he tries to defend you when Anna finally approaches, but he can't

you feel your entire world break apart when she mori's him right in front of you

that's when your hardly-contained sobs turn into silent, breathless whimpers, more tears streaming down your face and your chest quaking as you fight to breathe

you can't breathe

noticing how you aren't even moving away, Anna will pause

she will look at you, consider your state

do you enjoy being such easy prey?

maybe, maybe not

she takes her time to study you because you're not going anywhere and even if you tried, she'd be on to you in seconds

you're staring at Leon's mutilated body, hands curling into the dirty

i think that's when it hits you this is very real, and there's no escape

you're absolutely done for

and you're terrified because of it

and as Anna approaches, you can't even back away. too in shock, too scared, to helpless and vulnerable

who is this woman, so sly and stealthy, murdering all of you one by one? a rabbit mask on her face--- a real rabbit, too?

and why is she hesitating to kill you when she didn't hesitate to kill Leon?

little do you know, Anna's soft spot for little girls has been triggered

it just has to be the way you're curled up, knees to your chest and arms helpless beside you, fighting to curl around your legs when there's no strength to hold them there

you just look so... small

like you need someone

Anna will feel slightly bad that she killed the only person who gave you any sort of momentary security

after all, Anna knew what it was like to be left completely alone

the feeling of loneliness was unparalleled and the fact you looked so... defenceless made her feel even worse about it

at least the other survivors had their own skills

you were obviously new to all of this--- did you even know what you could do?

poor baby

immediately decides she will spare you. fuck being a survivor, you're helpless and you need someone, even if that means her, a killer. you need her

motherly instincts absolutely activated

you squeak pathetically when she crouches down beside you, arms looping beneath your knees and back

you can't even scream when she lifts you. what the fuck--- what are you doing, what---

she lifts you so easily, too. doesn't matter how heavy you are. remember her strength is increased by the entity, and she can hunt bears and stuff. she's strong

and she's... she's rocking you like a newborn baby...

anna sings to you. she sings the lullabies her mother used to sing to her and hums into your ear, trying to calm you

soothe you

it works, if only slightly

you're still not ever the fact that she brutalized Leon like that RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU

and she does feel guilty but she isn't sure there is anything she can say to you to fix that

your eyes are just too innocent

it's very clear to her that you've never seen blood before. at least, not like that

not to that extreme

starts babying you until your cries cease completely

whispers to you comfortingly in Russian

you vaguely understand a question she keeps asking you: what's wrong? what is it? what is the problem?

at least, you think so

you just look at her tearfully, about to burst all over again and say, "I just want to go home!"

at that moment, her heart breaks for you

and she feels so much anger towards the Entity, because can she not see? is this some joke?

you are the last person deserving of this kind of hell

you reminded her of the rabbits that used to roam her forest. they were so vulnerable and weak

but they had their own tenacity she was sure she would see in you

puts you down and holds your hand, then starts tugging you along

you follow dumbly, with a bewildered expression on your face

her message is very clear: "I'll get to you in a minute. Let me take care of something first, okay?"

holds your hand tighter when she hooks and mori's the other survivor right in front of you all over again, feeling that you're trying to run away

it's like she's trying to each you something

shows you how to hide and the best places to do so (and pretends she can't see you when she forces you to practice)

it's giving father-son catch except it's more so mother-daughter hide and seek

not very fun on your end and you get more and more freaked out but you find you'd rather be favoured by the killer than hated

by the time there's nobody left, Anna will reluctantly lead you to the hatch

she doesn't want to let you go

she might even offer things to the entity to keep you as her little daughter

she knows she could protect you much better and hates the idea of seeing you hurt when she just knows the other killers won't be as merciful

they won't understand

feels so possessive of you already, but knows that either way, the Entity will take you away

So she pulls you to her, kisses your head

then shoos you off the hatch like a mother duck bidding farewell to her duckling

you just stare at her, confused

does it again

realising that she wants you to jump into the unknown door in the ground, you start crying again

no! no! don't do that!

hugs you in a panic and pets your hair

depending on how severe she will pick you up again

and in either case, she will have to--- broken heartedly--- send you off into the abyss as you sniffle

"please don't make me go..."

oh trust me, she doesn't want to

but she'd rather not find out what the entity will do to you

strokes your hair and gives you a gentle push

she'll come back for you, y/n

mommy's proud of you!!!

~

yay! I did it!

I hope you enjoyed this, nonnie. this was so fun to write.

please keep sending me requests!

oh, and remember to reblog and follow!

lorimn <3

#dbd #dbd x reader #the hillbilly x reader #max thompson jr #max thompson jr x reader #the hillbilly #kazan yamaoka #kazan yamaoka x reader #the oni #the oni x reader #the huntress x reader #dbd killers x reader #dead by daylight #dbd headcanons

[sunvmars]

citrus | s.r. [4]

pairing: steve rogers x fem/afab reader

↞ previous | next ↠

word count: 2.8k

warnings: none i can think of

summary: steve explains himself

a/n: guys i literally spent two days writing this and couldn’t manage to stretch it to 3,000 words :,) this is not the end of the series contrary to how the end of the fic sounds. also my birthday was on tuesday so i apologize for the late update!

You sigh deeply, not knowing what to expect.

"Alright, I'm listening."

You walk over and sit on the edge of your bed. He follows to stand in front of you, awaiting directions on where to sit. All you give is a shrug and pat the spot next to you on the bed.

"I don't bite," you joke with a smirk.

He returns your smirk with one of his own, "Not typically," he says.

Your heart pounds with anticipation when he sits next to you. Anxiety seeps off of him and threatens to crawl into you.

"So, what's going on?" you question.

Steve takes a deep breath in and then out, trying to find the right words to start with. He knows there aren't any right words to start with in this situation, but he searches his brain for them anyways. He also knows that you probably won't wanna be around him, or with him, again after he tells you what he's been keeping from you. So, he seizes the opportunity to fully take you in: soft and bedridden hair, pajamas that hug your figure, eyes illuminated by the dim lights.

"It's about your past, y/n. And, before I start, I need you to understand that I didn't want to keep this from you but I thought it was the right thing to do," he states, his voice low and steady like he's walking on eggshells.

Your heart skips a beat at his words. Elaine Caldwell, the woman who raised you, wasn't your real mother and you've always know that. She never kept it a secret from you so you were bound to find out, but she wasn't open about your real parents either. She'd always say that she would tell you everything you wanted to know someday when you were ready. Elaine passed only a few months after you turned 18 and left you with all of her belongings, but nothing she owned told you anything about your parents. You have looked for any trace of your parents and family for years, but you always turn up with nothing.

"Do you know something…?"

"I know everything," he admits.

You listen in silence as he begins to tell you everything he knows about your parents, Genesis, and Zepher Hawthorne. You listen in stunned silence as he tells you about how you're the only trace your parents left behind and about how strong you truly are. It's like something out of a movie, you struggle to process everything he's telling you. And when he's done explaining, all you feel is a mixture of confusion, irritation, and fear swirling within you.

"Why now, Steven?" you question with a shaky voice. "Why are you telling me now? Why didn't you tell me before?"

His shoulders slump slightly when his gaze meets yours. He's more than aware that his decision to keep all of that from you hurt you more than he could know. The fact that you're hurt and he's the one that caused it makes him feel unimaginably guilty and regretful. He takes a moment to gather his thoughts before responding to you.

"I should've told you earlier, I know, and I'm sorry for keeping it from you. I thought I was protecting you," he admits, his voice filled with remorse. "It's stupid, but I had your best interest in mind, y/n. The whole reason I'm telling you this tonight is because Hawthorne doesn't just suspect you're alive, he knows it now, and he's getting closer to finding you. I wanted to find him before I told you any of this but now the circumstances have changed."

"Hawthorne knows about me?"

"Yes, he does. I got a letter from him two days ago stating that he knows who you are. He's not only aware of your existence, but I think he also knows that you've been with me. And that's exactly what I was afraid of."

"What does he want?" you ask.

Steve's jaw tightens as he tries to choose his words carefully. He doesn't want you to worry too much- that can't be good for you or the baby. Yet, he refuses to lie to you or sugarcoat anything again.

"I don't know for sure, not yet. However, given his history, he might see you as a threat, but it's more likely that he…he could have other motives."

You already know what 'other motives' he's referring to. Hydra isn't very secretive with how they operate; he'd use you as a weapon or an experiment. You find yourself becoming overwhelmed as you contemplate the danger you're in.

"Do you have a plan..?"

"We're working on it. I promise to keep you updated from here on out."

"Who's we?" you ask curiously with an eyebrow cocked up at him.

"Me and Buck," he mumbles.

"No. No, no. One, or both, of you are going to get hurt. We have to tell somebody else, I can't lose either of you-"

"Y/n, we're both going to be fine. We're going to be okay," Steve says, cutting off your rambling. "You're going to be fine," he adds,

"Hydra infiltrated SHIELD once and I won't risk the information getting into the wrong hands. Everything about you relates to your adoptive mother, and that's how it appears in the SHIELD database, so let's keep it that way for right now."

He's right, and you hate that more than anything.

"What about Bucky?" you ask with concern. "He's putting himself in danger to help us, we can't just let him face this alone."

His eyes reflect concern for Bucky just like yours do. "We've come up with a plan to minimize the risks for him and we're staying in close contact. Bucky's resourceful and calculated, plus he's got experience with Hydra. If I even suspect that he needs me then I'll go, but right now I have to be here for you."

"You left me, Steven. Now you decide you have to be here for me? Didn't seem like a top priority a few weeks ago. What changed?"

Steve winces at your words that feel like a punch to the gut. He hates that he hurt you at all and he especially hates that you think he wanted to. He knows he deserves every bit of your anger and frustration, but it doesn't make hearing it any easier. He sighs deeply as he reaches out to gently take your hand. You hesitantly allow him to hold your hand in his.

"I can't take back the pain I caused you, no matter how badly I want to. But I can promise to never keep anything from you again, no matter how difficult or dangerous the truth may be."

You look into his crystal blue eyes and see the sincerity in them. You see more than the truth in him though. Despite the mistakes he's made, you see the man you fell in love with who only wants to protect you. Guilt pangs in your chest at how harsh you'd been, although he likely deserved it.

"I'm sorry, I appreciate your honesty. I'm just confused and angry and…I don't think there's an emotion I haven't felt since we sat down, actually."

"I understand. It's a lot to take in, yeah?"

"There's just one thing I still don't understand," you say before looking over at him.

"And that is?"

"If I've got all these mental abilities, why can't I use them?"

"They could be dormant or suppressed," Steve replies. "It's not entirely uncommon for superhuman abilities to stay hidden until certain conditions are met or an event triggers them."

"I don't want you to try to use your abilities until we know more about them," he adds, "Bruce can probably run some tests for us."

"But what if we run out of time by then? What if he finds me? If he's still with Hydra, we have a better chance of taking them down if I know how to use whatever abilities I have."

"We have time, y/n," he reassures you gently, "Besides, you're in a tower full of superhumans and skilled agents. You're as safe as you can be here."

"I can't just sit here and wait for something to happen, Steve… If there's a chance that I can use these powers to protect us then I need to try."

Steve sighs when he sees nothing but pure determination in your eyes. Being as stubborn and insistent as you can be frustrates him sometimes, but he's well aware that he loves that about you. You're a fighter- you always have been and he only hopes that you always will be.

"Okay," he concedes. "We'll talk to Bruce tomorrow then, hm? We'll see if there's a safe way to test and develop your abilities. But you have to promise me you'll be careful and, if anything goes wrong, it's under my discretion whether or not you fight."

"I don't need you to be my damn father, Steven," you grumble, irritation laced in your voice.

He chuckles at your statement, earning an eye roll from you. "Believe me, I know you don't. But you mean everything to me, honey, and I can't stand the thought of anything happening to you or our baby."

"The baby," you whisper to yourself.

Your hand instinctively moves to your slightly bloated belly as you absorb the situation at hand. The baby growing inside of you, your unborn child, is at risk because of the secrets of your past. You begin to feel selfish for hardly thinking of the baby before you thought about yourself. A frown plants itself onto your lips and it makes Steve frown too. Then, when his words finally sink in, you repeat them almost like a question.

"Our baby…?"

A familiar lump forms in his throat. He finds himself unable to come up with a response, thinking he'd said something wrong. All he can muster up is a, "Yeah, our baby."

"You don't have to say that just to make me feel better, it's only going to make things worse."

"I never didn't want this baby, just like I never didn't want you. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I want both of you forever and I've never wanted anything more," he reassures you, trying his best to offer up a small smile.

"Are…are you sure? You can't take it back again."

"Wouldn't dream of it, I've never been more sure of anything else."

"Steve," you mumble. "I just wish that you had trusted me enough to tell me about this sooner."

"I should have. I should have trusted you with this from the start and I'm sorry for not doing so, but I will fix this, y/n. I'm going to make this right."

You don't respond, unable to find the words to say. He takes that as his cue to say something he probably shouldn't.

"I don't expect you to believe me, but I will do whatever it takes to make this right. And however long it takes for you to forgive me, I'll wait for you, even if that time never comes. You can hate me forever but I will never stop loving you; you're it for me, baby."

He doesn't mean to say it, but there it is. "Baby." Who knew someone could make a word sound so good? It could never sound so good rolling off of someone else's tongue and you hate that. You want to hate him, you want to hit him and fight with him for lying to you, but you can't. You're pissed with him yet all you can find yourself wanting is to be in his arms again- to be his baby again.

"Y/n? Did I say something wrong?"

You're not sure if it's the hormones, his willingness to protect you and the baby, or just you but something urges you to lay your head onto his chest- so you do that. Your head rests on his warm chest and your arms snake under his arms to wrap around his waist. You'd never fully grasped how much you missed the sound of his heartbeat until now. A heartbeat: It's something so simple but it makes your heart feel complete again, like both of your hearts are back in sync as they should be.

Steve's mind blanks and his body stiffens at your sudden movement. At first, he thinks he's simply daydreaming, but then he feels your grip tighten on his shirt. Your body shakes slightly and, even though you're silent, he knows you're crying. You're crying for the second time in twenty-four hours and it's his fault. He slowly, cautiously wraps his arms around you to pull you closer to him.

He lets you cry into him, not saying anything as you do. Sometimes words can't heal wounds and he knows that. He knows he's hurt you, but he's ready and willing to give you all the time and space you want to process everything.

Minutes pass in silence until your tears subside. You pull back slightly from Steve's chest, sniffling as you wipe away your tears. Your eyes make their way up to meet his.

"I just… I wanted to hear your heart again," you confess softly.

"I'm here, and I always will be. I'm so sorry for ever leaving you, y/n."

His eyes soften and he reaches up to cup your cheek. He smiles softly, wiping a stray tear from under your eye with his thumb. You find solace in his touch. You're so, so angry and confused but it's as though the tenderness in his gaze has the power to soothe your ache. In this very moment, it's easier to give in and let him care for you than to fight yourself on it. Honestly, you're not sure how much fight you have left for the day. So, you let out a shaky sigh and then lean into his touch for a moment.

"I know you're sorry, Steve," you reply softly. "And I want to believe you, I really do, but it's going to take time for me to fully trust you again."

"I know, and I'll give you all the time you need. I just want you to know that I'm here now, forever."

"I'm… I'm so angry with you still, and it'll take a while to get over that, but I don't think I have the energy to be angry anymore tonight."

"What do you need from me, honey?"

"Just wanna be us again for tonight," you admit, vulnerability laced in your voice.

"We can do that."

For now, the weight of the truth lingers in the air and so does the pain it's caused. You offer him a faint smile and he returns it with that perfect one of his own. From the way his heart flutters when he looks at you, he can't believe he went without you for so long. His eyes flicker from your lips to your eyes and back again. Then he finds himself wanting needing to kiss you.

"Y/n," he whispers gently, almost so gentle that it's inaudible.

His thumb continues to trace along your cheek. It's a tender caress that says everything he can't put into words. You can feel your heart pounding hard in your chest under the intensity of his gaze. The ache in your heart, the sudden need for his presence, it all becomes overwhelmingly clear.

"I don't want to rush things, but…"

He doesn't have to finish for you to know what he's going to say because you already know. You feel it too- that magnetic pull between you. Without hesitation, you lean in, closing the remaining distance between both of you. The kiss is short and sweet. It's soft and filled with a yearning that has been building up for weeks. It's a kiss that carries the weight of the words neither of you could find it in you to say. It carries the promise that you're still here and that he's willing to fight for you and the baby.

Steve rests his forehead against yours when your lips part. His eyes lock onto yours and he traces your jaw with his thumb. He knows that this doesn't mean things will instantly go back to how they were before, but this moment is one he appreciates anyways.

"Y/n," he coos softly, "I'll spend every day of my life making it up to you if I have to. I'll prove to you that I'll never let you down again."

You offer him another small and weary smile. It's a start, a tiny step towards rebuilding what once was. Neither of you has all the answers or knows what the future holds, but for now you have each other. And that's more than enough.

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#marvel #marvel fanfiction #fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #fanfiction #steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #captain america #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x you #captain america x reader #captain america x reader angst #angst #steve rogers angst #captain america angst #captain america x you #captain america x female reader #steve rogers x reader angst #the winter solider #marvel fluff #marvel angst #mcu #marvel mcu

[theoi-crow]

TW: religious trauma, threat mention, weapons mention, child neglect, homophobia, abuse, coercion and religious PTSD.

Why fearing a deity keeps me from developing a genuine relationship with that same deity.

I grew up Catholic and one of the first things my mother taught me was the concept of Heaven and Hell. Essentially after death one gets judged based on the actions they took while they were still living and is either rewarded with heaven or punished with hell. It was a simple concept to understand but it brought up a question that ultimately made me leave the religion.

Do I genuinely love God or am I afraid of his wrath? (Like a held hostage who is coerced into choosing options that won't upset my captor out of fear of his retaliation)

Even the reward of eternal bliss felt like it was designed to lessen the threat of eternal damnation as a consolation prize for all those years of panic attacks and anxiety over the thought of being sent to Hell. I always hoped for a third milder option that allowed me the freedom to develop a genuine relationship with God without said god having to rely on coercion. I wanted to experience an honest relationship without a weapon pressed against my back in case I made the wrong move or asked the wrong question.

Due to this looming threat, the relationship I had with God felt transactional and lacked genuine affection because I knew God's love for me was conditional and depended on me following arbitrary rules from a book written by a lot of different people (each author having their own agenda different from the rest so they were constantly contradicting each other because the different entries were written in different time periods and places with vastly different political movements specific to their locations and situations but were combined together, like a mass Tumblr post with over 50 blogs that don't all agree on what the rules should be).

The many rules always made me feel like Alice playing a game with the Queen of Hearts with rules that were unclear and no one was interested in explaining them to me until I did something they didn't like and were able to find something in the book that condemned me for it.

Having to adhere to these rules in order for me to be rewarded and not punished felt like a relationship between a gay child and homophobic parents that expected said child to act a certain way. If that child obeyed, they were rewarded with affection and approval, but if said child didn't, they were kicked out and forced to fend for themselves against a world that wasn't built to protect and help gay children. Being Christian felt like I had a leash around my neck being held by an entity that constantly told me he loved me, so long as I did what I was told.

I didn't think it was possible to love a deity without fearing them until I met my gods.

According to the ancient Greeks: Once a human dies they go to Hades. Unless they make some kind of undeniable mark in the world everyone goes to Hades.

If you were a famous and exceptional human that changed the world in a positive way you'd go to Elysium but you purposefully had to do something so extraordinary your legacy and name became well known because according to the Elysium wiki, in the beginning "only mortals related to the gods and other heroes could be admitted past the river Styx. Later, the conception of who could enter was expanded to include those chosen by the gods, the righteous, and the heroic." (LINK) The ancient Greeks believed the gods were in charge of giving people fame because those who were famous were often related to the gods (for example: people believed Pythagoras (the one that the Pythagorean theorem is named after) was either the son of Apollo, or Apollo himself: (LINK)

Tartarus is strictly for gods and humans can't go there but the worst humans are still punished by Hades as shown in the myths of Sisyphus (LINK) and Tantalus (LINK) but you have to royally eff up. You have to do it on purpose like enacting laws that target vulnerable people (both Sisyphus and Tantalus were kings and politically involved) or commiting mass genocide as examples of the severity I'm talking about. These are crimes against humanity you cannot accidentally do, they involve terrible deeds that are premeditated with the intent of destroying the lives of innocent people.

But if my main problem is the concept of Heaven/Hell, why am I bringing up Elysium, Hades and Tartarus, concepts that influenced how Heaven and Hell work? (LINK)

Because unless you choose to dedicate your life, time and energy and become famous for making an undeniable mark in history (an effort that isn't just you doing normal good deeds or making mistakes you later regret but actually dedicating your life and becoming well known for your efforts like activist Greta Thunberg, or purposefully hurting innocent people like serial killer Ted Bundy) everyone else goes to Hades and I love that because when I work with my gods I may not get automatic access to Elysium but there is no threat of eternal punishment either.

Which means I interact with my gods because I want to!

Not because I'll be rewarded or punished but because I want to interact with them and develop a genuine connection with them! There's no condition of me needing to convert others, in fact I don't even have to tell people I believe in them! (the gods understand the world can be a dangerous place for their followers due to the many religious wars and religious politicians in power).

I'm not required to talk about them! I'm not even required to keep this blog but I do it because I genuinely love them and I love talking about them! I've even changed majors mid semester in order to dedicate my life to learning about them. I'm studying to become an archeologist who specializes in the ancient Greek religion in order to make that information more accessible to Hellenic Polytheists and anyone else interested in the gods. I don't do it so the gods will reward me because I don't need them to, they will be just as happy if I delete this blog, quit my career and go about my day living my life. I do it because I love learning about the gods and I want to share the information I learned in case it helps those that are interested learn more about their gods too!

I've even made it my mission on Tumblr to share what I've learned about the gods to hopefully help others connect with their gods more easily especially for those who are having trouble connecting with them. And this was all unprompted. The gods literally had nothing to do with this. It was my own choice because there is a specific god I sometimes have trouble connecting with due to varying factors and it makes me feel awful when I can't connect with him, especially when I need his guidance the most so I want to help others avoid experiencing that feeling by letting them know they're not alone and helping them figure out what's blocking their connection because it can be a miserable experience.

My favorite part about a lack of reward and punishment is having the confidence to say I seek the gods because I want to seek the gods.

I walk with the gods because I want to walk with the gods. This is my will, my choice, and mine alone. No one is forcing me to do it and there isn't some big prize at the end if I do, I can stop anytime I want and nothing will happen. I have made an independent choice to seek the gods, meet them and got to know them and I can genuinely say I love them more than I ever thought was possible. I do.

I love my gods.

#greek gods #hellenic polytheism #helpol #pagan #personal #greek mythology #greek pantheon #religious trauma #tw religious trauma #tw childhood trauma #tw child abuse #tw threats #long post

[readychilledwine]

Non fanfiction writing ✨️Liz update✨️ so I can cry and get over it

Im hoping typing this out makes me feel better, please feel free to ignore it.

Warning - breastfeeding and babies, separation anxiety, alcohol use

I will start by saying I do not think my friend meant to hurt my feelings or make me cry.

She has 3 kids, I have my Sophia.

I made the choice to breastfeed and pump because I emotionally needed that closeness, I wanted our baby girl to have the benefits, and it is honestly so much cheaper for us in the long run. When baby daddy takes a shift each day, he feeds her what I've pumped. In short, our beautiful Sophi is exclusively on breastmilk. We both believe fed is best, always, and our friends know this. How you feed a baby is such a personal choice with a lot of factors, and we picked based on my needs and our budget.

Anyways! My parents and brothers, because she NEEDED four babysitters, let me tell yah she's a wild party girl, all volunteered to watch her tonight so baby daddy and I could do to a local band's concert at one of our favorite bars.

I obviously am not drinking, and that works out great because daddy is. He's had a long week at work, and if he wants a few drinks, he deserves them. My friend asked me if I wanted to do shots with her, I told her no, and explained why when she asks.

She looked at me and went, "This is why I didn't breastfeed. I'm not an animal and I don't want to be boring."

I mentally understand that she's actually saying, "I wanted to be able to live my life and enjoy things without feeling like I was someone else's food source."

But ya girl started crying.

It was my first night away from our daughter, so that already had me fairly emotional, and that kind of really... sucked I guess..

Baby daddy was immediately on it and defending me. We ended up leaving and going to a different bar with another one of our couple friends who was kind of appalled she said that. My older brother, a pediatric nurse, tried to make me feel better, but I'm crying again because of postpartum hormones.

Hopefully, crying it out helps, or expect a sad reader mom fic to help me process.

Also, low-key that tequila sounded fire, I just don't want to disrespect my body and it's hard work by having to pump and dump.

Thanks for letting me vent

#elizabeths.updates #might delete might not #mom life

[zoeykallus]

Okay. So, this is a bit weird. But maybe the Bad Batch (+ Gregor?) when their s/o is VERY protective over their baby when it's born? Even though it's the Batcher's kid too, s/o stares intently at them holding baby to make sure nothing bad happens, won't leave the baby's side, can hardly sleep because they are so on edge about something happening to baby when they aren't around, and is wary and tense about Batcher taking care of them?

I mean, I know the boys would do a good job, but I find myself doing this with my little brother when we was younger, my cousins, and friends kids - I get so overprotective because I'm scared something will happen, and anyone other than me and the Mom, I can get...pissy/snarly/angry when baby and I are separated. I have absolutely no clue why this happens?

But if it's not too much trouble, I would love to know how the boys would react. I am...a spicy, hot mess sometimes 😅

Aloha! 😊

I've heard of this phenomenon before, but I don't know exactly where it comes from. Though, I think it's called 'postpartum maternal separation anxiety' or it is a form of it.

I should utter a warning, I have no idea (experience) about motherhood, or parenthood (and I don't want to 😅 ), at least not first hand!

Nevertheless, I could be able to estimate how the boys react to it. Let me see… Most of this is not going to be very fluffy though. Sorry, I'm trying 😅

The Bad Batch/ Gregor x Reader HCs - The Overprotective Parent

_____________________

Warning: Angsty/Tiny bit of fluff and comfort

_____________________

Hunter

He is so confused that he says nothing at first when you carefully but impatiently take the baby out of his arms.

"Is something wrong?" he finally asks alertly.

"Everything's fine."

Hunter frowns, clearly sensing something is wrong, as he approaches you and the child again to touch it, you pull back from him.

"This is my child too," he says calmly but with his brows drawn together critically, "What do you think will happen if I touch it?"

You sigh and finally try to explain to him what is going on inside you. That you're worried and anxious if you don't take care of it yourself.

"We need to work on that" Hunter says seriously "It's our child, I'm the father, you can't keep it from me, it's not right or fair. You know me, I would never harm our baby".

Of course the rational part of your perception knows this, but there is unfortunately also an irrational part that sometimes takes control. You will have to find a way to deal with this together. Hunter is a good partner and father, he will not want to have his time with his child taken away. If you can't find a common ground on your own, it could have a very negative impact on your relationship.

However, Hunter is willing to accommodate you in some way if you are willing to do the same and perhaps allow outside help, possibly in a therapeutic form.

Echo

Your reaction surprises him, and he vacillates somewhat between confusion, annoyance, and concern.

"You're acting like you don't trust me all of a sudden. Is it the prosthesis? Are you afraid I'll drop the kid?" he asks, frowning critically.

"Among other things," you reluctantly admit.

Seeing how this statement hurts him, you regret saying something. He looks at you wide-eyed, then lowers his gaze to his scomp-link arm. Echo doesn't quite know if he's disappointed or angry.

"So I never get to hold our child?" he asks, and his voice has taken on a strange tone that you haven't heard from him before, there's something somber about it.

When he looks at you again his expression is bitter, "You can't deny me that, I've never given you a reason to mistrust me, this is my child too".

You try to explain to him how worried and insecure you are about the baby, in general, not just about him. His expression slowly softens a bit, and he seems to understand, at least partially.

"We'll have to do something about that. Maybe we should ask a doctor for advice"

Echo tries to be understanding, even if in this case he actually finds it difficult for once. He is determined to find a solution that you both can be happy with.

Wrecker

He is already overcautious because the baby is so tiny and he is so huge. It feels strange for him to have this small, wonderful but so fragile looking being in his life. Wrecker is overjoyed to be a father but a little insecure at the same time. Your behavior fuels this insecurity.

He withdraws unhappily, observes the child mostly only with some distance, and you can see how deeply sad he is about not being able to approach his baby properly. Your behavior, and his insecurity, mix into a very bitter cocktail for Wrecker.

Eventually, his brothers notice the pattern and intervene, insisting that you give Wrecker a chance to hold his child. When it becomes clear what this is doing to you, Hunter insists that you seek medical as well as therapeutic help. He can no longer stand by and watch Wrecker suffer.

You need to communicate, so he understands you don't feel like this on purpose, that you can't help it. He'll be happy to find a solution with you.

Tech

He notices your behavior very quickly and doesn't like it at all.

"You are overreacting. I am perfectly capable of taking care of our baby. What's your issue?"

Your explanation makes him frown worriedly as well as thoughtfully. Tech quickly does some research and concludes, "You have some form of 'postpartum maternal separation anxiety'. We need to do something about that."

He knows it's hard for you, but you both have to go through it now.

"I'm not comfortable knowing how uncomfortable you feel seeing me with the child. Actually, I had hoped that the opposite would be the case, that it would make you happy. But I'm certainly not going to give up our baby. So we have to do something. Therapy seems not only appropriate, but necessary if we're going to get this out of the way."

Tech will not back down on this. He tries to be as considerate as possible, but he has a hard time hiding his disappointment. However, he is hopeful that with professional help, you can both get relief from this situation.

Crosshair

He never wanted to become a father, and he has a hard time getting used to this situation. Pride, happiness and a good portion of fear and insecurity mix. Crosshair keeps his distance at first, observing everything carefully, thoughtfully, but also with a loving eye.

It takes quite a while, but when he finally comes out of his shell and takes the baby in his arms, you react quite strongly, partly because it is unexpected due to his previous behavior. Crosshair carefully puts the baby back down, and you see that he is holding back right now, but is incredibly angry.

He doesn't want to confront you in the presence of the child and initially retreats to let off steam. Crosshair feels patronized, discouraged and incredibly angry. You end up arguing quite heatedly, because he can't really understand what you're trying to explain to him, until you present him with some articles that can explain the whole thing more objectively.

He reluctantly reads what you've presented, wearily rubs his hand over his face with a sigh, and leans back in his chair. Finally, he understands, you can't really help it right now.

"Somehow, nothing is ever normal with us, is it?", he mutters.

You shrug your shoulders in embarrassment and lean back in your chair as well, across from him at the small dining table you're sitting at.

Crosshair finally leans forward again, arms folded on the tabletop, and looks directly at you.

"Kitten, I love you, I hope you know that. But this is a non-tolerable situation for me. We need to find a solution. I'm having a hard enough time adjusting to all this as it is. Maybe we need professional help from the outside."

Gregor

He raises his brows and looks at you in surprise as you take the child from his arms.

"Is something wrong?"

It doesn't matter what you say, he'll notice that you're avoiding him or trying to cover something up, he has a sense for that kind of thing. Gregor won't let the subject rest until you talk to him openly about it.

"Love, this is my baby too, it's our baby. You trust me, don't you?"

"That's not the point"

"Then what is it about?" he inquires gently but firmly.

Gregor listens attentively, trying to understand you, and he quickly realizes that a lot of work is needed here, and perhaps professional guidance. You are surprised when you see him smile, unperturbed, and he strokes your cheek.

"Okay, so we've discovered a problem. Let's set out to find the solution, together."

He's in good spirits, he won't give up that easily, it's not in Gregor's nature. He is sure that together, with a little willpower and cooperation, you will find a solution that is right for both of you.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

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@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

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@hated-by-me

@hunterxcrosshair

@malicemercy

@bebopsworld

@echos-girlfriend

@cpnt616

@dangraccoon

@jediknightjana

@pb-jellybeans

@starwarsnerd111

#star wars headcanons #hunter #wrecker #echo #crosshair #tech #tbb #crosshair tbb #echo tbb #hunter tbb #star wars tbb #sw tbb #tbb crosshair #tbb crosshair x reader #tbb echo #tbb hunter #tbb hunter x reader #tbb tech #tbb tech x reader #tbb wrecker #wrecker tbb #bad batch #the bad batch #clone force 99 #tech tbb #star wars #hunter x reader #bad batch tech #angst #captain gregor

[howl-fantasies]

Hi, how Zsasz, Ed, Oswald would react if they would meet their SO's parents?

Hi dear, I hope you're doing well!

Oh my, so it's time to meet reader's parents uh? Pray for their SOUL.

Here it is:

Warning: well, it's Gotham. Probably non-healthy relationships, Victor being Victor, Ed being Ed and Oswald being Oswald. Ah, yes, English isn't my first language, sorry about it, I'm working on it!

Word count: ∼ 1.840

ZSASZ, EDWARD AND OSWALD MEETING THEIR S/O'S PARENTS

EDWARD NYGMA / THE RIDDLER 👓

-- Is he nervous? Of course he is. Well, Ed is, not Riddler, and it's exactly what makes him anxious.

-- He knows how harsh his other him can be sometimes and is silently hoping your parents love conundrums. If not...

-- He doesn't want to think about it, nor making a twisted remake of Kringle's body hide and seek. And...why is he thinking about a mechanical shark right now?!

-- Even if Ed is anxious, he is happy you trust him enough to introduce him to your parents, he lives for old-fashioned romance so it's a big step in your relationship.

-- Just before leaving your flat and go to your parent's home, he would make sure to have a serious word with Riddler in front of his mirror.

-- He would be pretty shy when they open the door but would be happy to see the smile on your mother's face when she noticed the bouquet he insisted to buy earlier.

-- He would be more at ease with her than with your father but will do his best to be polite and well behaved.

-- Ideally speaking, your parents wouldn't be Gothamites and wouldn't know about the Riddler, it would be easier for everybody.

-- If they are and know about him... They wouldn't be happy at first and probably have tried to make you leave him. Since it didn't work, they reluctantly agreed to meet him and see if, even as a villain, he truly loves you and has your best interests in mind.

-- Ed isn't idiot and already figured every worry your parents might have. He loves you. Trust him, he tried to deny it at first, tried to keep you away when he realized nothing would ever change his feelings, but finally accepted to be with you and make sure nothing happens to you. Especially from Penguin.

-- He would help to set the table, wash the dishes, make sure you have more of your favorite food/desert and would even give his to you because he feels your anxiety and wants you to smile.

-- If your parents are bold enough to question him about his criminal career and the bad things he had done, Ed (the soft part of him) would feel a bit ashamed at first and might start to close like a shell. Even if you try to help, your parents might want some explanations. Riddler would take the lead and find a way to explain why he became who he is.

-- He wouldn't ask your parents to accept it and would tell them, but he hopes they would understand how bullying, heartbreaking, lies and Gotham in general tend to make people snap. He would assure them one of his main priorities are to make sure you would never know "the snap". Your parents might appreciate his honesty and the fact he genuinely wants to protect you.

-- They would probably never be happy about your relationship with Ed, but after this diner, they know for sure that he cares about you a lot and would do everything he can to make you happy and safe.

-- So they would accept him, with the promise to freaking electrocute him to death if something happened to you because of him. He would put his right hand on his heart and gracefully bow to show he accepts their terms.

>> OSWALD COBBLEPOT / THE PENGUIN ☂

-- When you first told him about your parents wanting to meet him, he was over the moon. Your relationship was pretty serious and this new step would only bring you closer.

-- The day before the meeting, he was a mess, though. What if your parents don't like him? Do they know who he was exactly? What if they demand him to let you go and never approach you again?

-- Oh God, if it happens, would he be able to keep himself from jumping on the first glass / bottle he sees and shove it inside their throat?! He's 99% sure he wouldn't, they were your parents after all. But the 1% worries him.

-- He would make sure to learn everything about them before, what they like, don't like, the qualities they valued, their favorite color... You'll definitively end on one of his couches with him sat in front of you and asking you to pull little cards with questions about your parents for him to answer. Don't go easy on him, he's ready.

-- He's pretty confident he would be able to answer any question about you your parents might ask. Victor stalked you before Oswald and you started to date. He wouldn't miss a single thing, ask his dear wife, she will confirm!

-- Make him a chamomile with his breakfast.

-- Take a full minute to make him breathe in and out in front of the door on D. Day, he'll need it. When he's relatively calm, you two can knock.

-- Remember Oswald's behavior with his mother? The mommy-boy attitude, you have it. He would be super-well behaved, worked on his best innocent smile, makes sure to point out how your mother outfit is beautiful and fit her so well, same for your father, offers a bouquet with a full explanation of what it means in the flower language if your parents don't know about it. *Teacher's pet full mode activated.*

-- Would eat anything even if he usually is super-picky and a true pain in the ass with Olga if his vegetables aren't correctly caramelized on the right side. - Make sure to repeat it to her, she'll make him pay his bratty attitude with her. Or threaten Oswald to tell her when he's throwing a tantrum for nothing, he'll stop immediately. Or if you're not that cruel, repeat it to Victor, he'll know what to do with this piece of information. -

-- Will help your mother / father to wash dishes and tell you to sit and relax, he's on a seduction mission, don't compromise it.

-- Oswald would be delighted to talk with them about his legal businesses: his mayor campaign, the Iceberg Lounge, his friendly *nope* relationship with the, he was sure, future commissioner Jim Gordon... Everything but his criminal career.

-- If your parents know about this part of his job and question him about it, he will panic and try to change the subject or minimize his criminal role in Gotham. If they insist, he'll feel a new tantrum bubble inside of his throat, you'll have to keep him calm and try to answer yourself, silently hinting your parents to drop it.

-- Same as Ed, your parents would never really accept that their child is in a romantic relationship with one of the most dangerous criminal in town. So you'll have to convince them you're an adult and ask them to respect your choice.

-- Whatever their reaction would be, Oswald would be by your side and comfort you. And if your relationship is accepted, he'll make sure to be the best son-in-law and spoil your parents rotten during Christmas, Birthdays, and on Tuesdays, because: "Why not?" As he lost both of his parents, he really wants to feel like true family with you and them. Give him a hug, tea and a cookie, for his genuine want.

>>

VICTOR ZSASZ / THE HOMICIDAL MANIAC AND SADIST 🔪

-- Ahem... Are your sure about your decision? I mean, Victor is well... Victor. He *hopefully* won't cut your parents for the thrill of it *are you sure?*. And would probably act on his best Falcone behavior, he isn't a savage, when he wants to. But... He would definitively be honest with his hitman activity with them. Maybe too honest. And probably too graphic too because he enjoys the awkwardness too much.

-- Still sure? Ok fine. Please make sure to fasten your security belt. Here we go.

-- "Huh?" <- Basically this reaction when you mentioned the "my parents want to meet you" thing. You know, with the stupid face which comes with it, with the raised brow and everything. Now he's contemplating if you're losing it.

-- Might help to remind him you've already met his Bubby, so it would only be fair he meets your parents too. "O-k?" <- congrats he'll do it.

-- Make sure to brief him before about the what you CAN say and absolutely NOT say concerning his beautiful job. Sobriety is the key. Because you KNOW he would never pretend he's an NGO worker, or only to make a joke. *He'll do it, be sure of it, he'll also put his "Oh! Cool pins!" Face when telling this obvious lie to your parents.*

-- Ok, jokes and trolling aside, he'll execute the job perfectly. I mean, he worked for Falcone many years and know how to be polite and sweet. He loves you and acknowledged your efforts to make your relationship works. Damn, you even met his Bubby and studied Jewish culture for weeks to be sure to not do something that might offend her. He's many things but he's not a total douche. Not with you, at least.

-- He took the time to stalk your parents to know everything about them, their habits. Like Oswald, he knows every little thing about you so he's pretty confident he will have a perfect score if your parents decided to quiz him to make sure he's attentive. Hey, he does good work.

-- He'll kiss your mother's hand like the gentleman he was during Carmine's charity events. He would be pretty easy to talk to *Yes, tell him he's coming here TO TALK before entering your childhood house.* And a very good listener. Just in case he missed something about you. He doubted it, but you're never too sure you know?

-- Will also help with setting the table and washing the dishes, his Bubby and family raised him well.

-- If your parents ask about his job *They aren't stupid, your man screams BAD GUY when you look at him*, he would be transparent. He worked for Don Carmine Falcone himself - and is pretty proud of it - as his best hitman. He now works for Oswald Cobblepot, a funny little thing but who has a very interesting "Don" potential. Not as classy and old-fashioned Italian-mob-boss as Don Falcone, but in his own style. Which was ok for him.

-- He will make an effort, though, and don't mention his like for torturing people who wronged his Dons. Write him a thank you letter later. Your parents too.

-- But he will also tell your parents he loves you. He knows his love for you isn't really a good news for any parents, but he is literally ready to take the full charger of a machine-gun in his body if it means protecting you. "Don't worry, I'll make sure to empty mine on anyone having this idea before they even reach the trigger."

-- Your parents wouldn't be too happy to hear that, but... well... It's your life and choices. And even if they never saw Zsasz in action, his vibes are enough to tell them that if he wants to kill someone threatening you, well...they'd be dead. Which is probably a good thing. Right?

>>

A/N - I hope you liked it dear. Have a beautiful day/night and take care! 💐

#gotham fox #gotham headcanons #gotham fandom #gotham #gotham imagine #gotham x reader #gotham villains #gotham villains x reader #gotham edward nygma #gotham oswald cobblepot #gotham victor zsasz #edward nygma #edward nygma x reader #edward nygma imagine #oswald cobblepot imagine #oswald cobblepot x reader #oswald cobblepot #victor zsasz headcanon #victor zsasz x reader #victor zsasz imagine #victor zsasz

[etherealspacejelly]

my parents dont get my autism or my transness or my aroaceness

they dont get that im not trying to be rude or selfish or whatever but they think i am

they dont get dysphoria

they keep asking me if i have crushes or a boyfreind

they dont get that if the foods bad ill refuse to eat it

they dont get sensory issues or food issues

they dont get that the internet is a safer place to talk about my emotions than they ever will be

they dont get how much effort i put into trying to be normal for them

they dont get anthing

they keep trying to force me to spend time with them playing board/card games which i hate and they know i hate

they keep messing up my pronouns

one of my dads "insprational" speeches was your not flat, you'll never be flat so give up.

when i first came out my mum said "why cant you just be a lesbian instead of nonbinary or whatever?"

they say i cant call myself trans bc i don't want to be a boy

they dont get how much periods suck even tho they dont hurt

theres probably more but i cant remember it rn

any advice would be helpful

maybe ill run away and live somewhere better for me but i can think of a place

hey anon. unfortunately im not sure how to help you with the autism or aroace stuff myself, even though i am aroace and autistic my mum doesnt really understand either of those and i havent been able to reach that point yet. we have just taken to not talking about it, which is much easier now that i have moved out.

however! i do have something for you that might help! i made a powerpoint about transness for my mum that did help to convince her that being trans is a real and valid thing to be.

i cant link to it on here because it would reveal my full name publicly but you can just make your own! i included facts about the percentage of trans kids that experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, and how gender affirming care significantly lowers those numbers. all of this was taken from the trevor project website!

i also included some stuff about transgender people across history and in different cultures.

i finished it off with a slide about the transgender genocide currently taking place in america and spreading to the UK.

you could make versions of these for autism and aspec people too!

im very sorry that you are experiencing so much invalidation and misunderstanding from your family, i understand how that feels. i hope this technique can help you to teach them a bit about your identities. most of the time when people say mean things about an identity, it is simply because they are misinformed. getting angry and upset is perfectly understandable, but it may make them feel even more antagonised and justified in their bigotry. explaining things to them calmly and simply, with graphs, diagrams, and real data can work wonders.

good luck!

#inbox #ask #inbox open #transgender #autism #aroace #advice

[nanasalt]

Hi, I'm genuinely curious why you have called Elsa "abusive sister"? What's your, as an Anna lover, main take on Elsa?

Context for my comment.

Realizing on a reread that you asked for an Elsa analysis and I kinda made it an Anna one. They're entwined, though -- it's hard to talk about one without the other, especially when the first question is why call Elsa abusive? The short answer is I was being very reductive in that post for the sake of brevity. The tag directly after is me saying in a quick, off-the-cuff way that Elsa's not wrong:

#see: Anna of Arendelle #suffering is good! #filial loyalty should trump logic! #dying for your abusive sister is good! #Elsa obviously has her own issues but from Anna’s pov?

Believe me when I say that I can go full Elsa apologist very easily. Send a second ask if you want to see that, actually, I do have a lot of Elsa Thoughts. The thing is, there's a ton of Elsa fans out there and Anna tends to get the short end of the stick, despite being - in my opinion - the better sister, and not for nothing, but I think Elsa would agree that Anna is a better sister.

The tragedy of Frozen is that Elsa isn't wrong to isolate herself and try to keep Anna safe, and Anna isn't wrong to sense her sister still wants to connect and try to make it happen. That's what makes it tragic. Anna's desperate attempt to reconnect at the party is what makes Elsa balk, and Elsa balking is what pushes Anna away into the arms of someone who isn't afraid to tell her she's wanted. (Of course, Hans isn't afraid because wanting her won't kill her the way Elsa is pretty sure wanting a sister will.) Anna coming back from a whirlwind of having fun - having a friend - for the first time in years and telling Elsa she wants to get married freaks Elsa out, because Elsa's about to lose her sister to some stranger! Elsa tries to get the situation under control the only way she knows, which is to get away from everyone and self-soothe, but Anna is fed up and presses the argument then and there, which sets Elsa off and reveals the depths of Elsa's problems.

But critically, Anna's not wrong, and she's not stupid.

A major theme of Anna's character is that nothing is explained to her, and she is mistreated as a result. We, the audience, understand why Elsa locks herself away. We, the audience, skip over literal years of isolation for Anna in a three-minute song. We, the audience, see Elsa's anxiety when alone or with her parents. Anna, on the other hand ... to pull from the musical, which I admittedly like more than the film:

ANNA: ... Truth is, I never knew why my parents ordered the gates shut, why the celebrations ended, or why Elsa stopped talking to me. All I ever knew was, I missed my sister. I spent years trying to figure out what I did. I begged to know, to understand, but all my parents would say is, it’s for the best.

Anna blames herself for the fact Elsa locked herself away, and Elsa does not, as far as we see in the story, disabuse Anna of that notion. Sure, you can argue it happens offscreen somewhere after the show, and I'd agree that the arc of Frozen means the girls are going to sit down and realize their parents kinda sucked and gave them both trauma, but that happens after. (Frozen 2 doesn't exist in my head. I don't hold with anything that doesn't admit their parents fucked up big time. The best you can say is they tried to help their daughter, and that is tragic too, that nobody was able to help them do it.)

From Elsa's point of view, she ran away and Anna followed - against Elsa's advice and orders. Elsa felt confident enough to let her sister in and talk about things -- and Elsa couldn't handle it. She shot Anna in the heart as a result, putting them exactly back where they were when they were kids and Elsa was the biggest danger to her sister. Elsa was right to be afraid of intimacy, she was right to protect Anna from herself. The biggest danger to Anna was always Elsa.

This verges into Hans apologism, but we're focused on the girls so stick with me: Elsa literally kills Anna in the story. Hans is a big asshole about this little, "If only there was someone out there who loved you," speech, but he didn't kill Anna. Elsa did. If Elsa hadn't shot Anna in the heart, Anna would not be dying now. If Hans was going to kill Anna, that would've been the place -- and instead he leaves her to die of the wound her sister gave her.

So how does Anna feel in that moment? Narratively, we focus on the fact Hans has been the biggest dick lately, so she's heartbroken by that, but I'd posit she's been let down by the two people she thought might want her: Elsa and Hans. At this point Anna was probably thinking she could get cured and maybe that she and Hans would fix this together.

Instead, her unending faith in her sister should have brought her to this conclusion: Elsa killed her, Hans refused to save her, and they've both abandoned her for dead. In the film, Elsa - by proxy - throws Anna off a cliff right after shooting her in the heart. She could not be more clear about locking Anna out. Hans locked her in, but all to the same effect: Elsa's curse is going to kill her.

Does it really matter why Elsa cursed her?

When I say Elsa is an abusive sister, I mean that from Anna's point of view, Elsa lashes out and hurts Anna because of her own pain. We, the audience, have the benefit of knowing why - but we, the audience, also aren't feeling our fingers freeze solid as our jaw locks up with ice, so maybe we're not getting the full effect there.

Frozen's magic system is simple: magic and emotion are the same thing. (Frozen 2 do not interact.) Elsa's powers are driven by emotion, and they can be driven to great heights or great lows. The tragedy is that she doesn't learn to channel positive emotions, so she only knows fear and anxiety, which spiral out of control as those emotions always do. That fear isn't irrational - she's afraid for her sister, she's afraid for her country, she's afraid to let people down - but it is damaging and uncontrollable.

It literally kills her sister.

Anna dies, not because she threw herself under the sword and got diced, but because she turns to ice. She dies because of Elsa's curse, which ironically saves her from being killed in a bloody way. In that moment, Elsa sees her worst fears come true: she killed her sister. In the musical, she sings:

Anna? Anna - no! This is what I feared, this is why I shut you out so long ago. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry ... Look at what I've done to you.

As she realizes this, the magic begins to undo itself, not because Elsa realized the depth of her fuck up but because Anna committed an act of true love. Anna is brought back to life miraculously by her own self-sacrifice because it was pure and selfless. Which is why my final tags were:

#the narrative posits that [Anna's] suffering was good #actually. #and wanting things for herself was Bad actually

Wanting Hans, the seeming first person to value her, was wrong. Throwing herself under the sword for the sister who ignored her until she murdered her was good. In a meta sense, Anna wanting something for herself was wrong, and being blindly loyal was good. She is literally rewarded by being brought back from the dead to be a continuing loyal companion to the woman who shot her in the heart.

At the end of the day, the fact Elsa feels terrible about this both makes no difference and makes all the difference in the world. Elsa has been awful to Anna, and her being able to recognize that is what makes their relationship so compelling. The fact Elsa is also abused is important; she was locked away from society just as much! While Anna was so neglected by their parents that she spoke to paintings, Elsa was being told to just get better, keep it inside and don't freak out. Like many abused people, when Elsa grows up, she doesn't know how to form a healthy relationship at first. Her first fumbling steps end in disaster, and as musical Elsa begs:

This is all so brand new Let me first learn to crawl Before I try to walk

On one hand, that doesn't matter, because Elsa did abuse Anna for a period of time, via neglect and outright harm, up to and including murder. On the other hand, it matters more than anything, because Elsa chooses love, chooses to reconnect, finds true regret and wants to be better. Anna forgives her, because she loves her.

It's what makes the bones of this story so tragic and compelling. The love is real and the hurt is real. The difference is that both sisters choose to move past it, and I can see there being a good ending where they repair their sisterly relationship.

But for the duration of the story, and the near-decade before? Anna was abused by everyone in her family, and Elsa has to take responsibility for that before they can begin to heal.

#Kat Answers #Anonymous #Frozen #x: meta #this is a lot of words I hope it explained something #and feel free to ask more! #I have a lot of thoughts about Frozen and how it's about love #And semi-metaphorical doors but only because they're barriers to Love.

[thefirstknife]

Mara is being a classic manipulative abuser trying to sway everyone to pity her and putting the spotlight on her own grief rather than the immeasurable suffering she has caused others, and the fandom is falling for it hard. As someone who will spend likely the rest of my lifetime healing from the hurt caused by someone like her and hangs out with many fandom friends with the same experiences... it's just really anxiety inducing and hurtful to see how large chunks of the fandom are so quick to praise and adore her for her "character growth". She is upset to be facing consequences for her actions and is trying to get pity. She is a horrible person and a fantastic character and she should be allowed to be the asshole that she is. She doesn't have to be good to be enjoyable. I am terrified the narrative will go the way of having Crow forgive her because that's the "good" and "kind" thing to do, thus essentially saying abuse victims need to be the "bigger person" and forgive their abusers. Not even gonna get into how she used the Awoken people from the first moment. There's nothing wrong with loving Mara but I think all of you need to take a step back and listen to people who have met real life Maras and understand just how messed up your support of her is when you're touting her as this traumatised person just trying to do what she believes is right (true) which makes her good and worthy and simply misunderstood (false, her trauma doesn't absolve her of being a cunt). She isn't growing, she's just further manipulating people and making things about herself. There is no moral failing in enjoying characters who are horrible people. She's no different from Clovis with her god complex and having slightly more noble intentions doesn't excuse her whatsoever. Her remorse might be genuine but at the moment she isn't seeking to provide any reparations to her victims, she just want people to feel bad for her being sad.

I was abused by my older brother, emotionally and physically, who manipulated (and still does) people around him.

I shouldn't have to say this, but I'm getting really tired of people assuming that everyone who sees some value in Mara's character growth has never been abused. That assumption is disrespectful and forces the person you're telling this to out themselves about their own abuse. Because if I don't, then people will just continue saying that I can't possibly understand what it's like. I understand. Unfortunately, personally. I would advise not to approach random people telling them that they can't understand what it's like because they happen to like Mara as a character.

Another thing that I want to mention at the start is that I have never in my life claimed that Mara did nothing wrong or that she isn't a bad person. She is. It's a part of the reason why she's a fascinating character. She's an uncompromising leader who worked under the idea that the end justifies the means and that she is the only one that can see us through to that end. It's a cruel life for everyone around her.

Her trauma doesn't absolve her of being a cunt, but it does explain why she is one. I think this is not only valuable, but crucial to understand because that explains that her cruelty wasn't out of sick malice and enjoyment of hurting others.

If we want to care about abuse, we have to understand that parental neglect is also abuse. Mara is also an abuse victim. This also doesn't absolve her of her actions, but it does explain them. Mara's recent new line in which she tells Elsie about Osana Sov, her mother, is a classic abuse victim story about parental abuse. It's one that rarely gets acknowledged because that type of abuse is structured specifically in a way to go unnoticed. But it's abuse nonetheless. And I'm sorry but if we care about abuse victims, we also have to care about abuse victims who become cunts. That's the only way to really fix the situation.

And I do genuinely believe in fixing the situation. I know that a lot of people don't want their abusers to get better or to change and I also know that a lot of people don't believe that their abusers CAN get better and change, but they can. Not all of them of course, but some can. Insisting that Mara is not actually changing and is just pretending and being manipulative again is your trauma talking. The text is incredibly clear in this scenario and it's not just coming from Mara herself; it's coming from people around her. So unless we believe that literally every character (including incredibly perceptive ones like Elsie or Ikora) would fall for Mara's every word even when they never did so previously, Mara is genuinely changing and she isn't manipulating anyone or pretending to be trying to get better for good girl points. That's incredibly uncharitable interpretation where you have to go out of your way to insist that she's just pure evil. It's equally incorrect as saying that Mara is pure good.

Again, I know that not everyone is capable of dealing with that in the same way or same time as someone else. There was a time in my life when I genuinely wanted my brother to just die and be gone from the world and that he is not deserving of any introspection or the ability to change. And I know there are horrific people who have done truly unforgivable things and that it's hard to think about them as people deserving of effort and change. But if those people put in the effort and want to change, we have to give them that second chance.

Of course, their victim is not obliged to help them or be in their presence ever again. This is a right that Crow is currently exercising, with no end in sight. But if he eventually chooses to give it a go? His story will not be worth any less to an abuse victim. It won't align with everyone's story, but it will align with some of them and again, if we care about abuse and abuse victims, then we also have to care about those that aren't identical to us. It's not about being the "bigger person." I don't want to be prove being a bigger person to my brother, I just genuinely think that it would be better for everyone involved if he changed and worked through all of our issues and we were a normal family.

The text is also more than clear about Clovis who has never in his life believed that he is wrong or that anything that he did was wrong, including all suffering he caused to all of his family and humanity. Like, this cannot get any clearer. And the game directly made that comparison to debunk it in a very on-the-nose way: in a full dialogue in-game. Clovis doesn't think anything he did was wrong; Mara does (and Rasputin admits to the same).

I would also like to point out that the game is filled with abusers who never get a fraction of the same flack. Calus is a massive abuser who neglected and emotionally manipulated and punished Caiatl her whole life, as well as treated his people as accessories to his own goals and tossed them into suffering and death for his own amusement. Not even for anything dire like saving all life in the solar system; for pure amusement. Reading about Gahlran is a special type of horrific depiction of Calus' disregard for people's autonomy and safety.

People also for some reason don't see it, despite it being incredibly clear in the lore book, but the Witness abused Rhulk into obedience through isolation and manipulation. It picked Rhulk because he was already on the edge and then it used isolation and manipulation abuser tactics to sway him away from his people and turn him into the genocidal unquestioning obedient follower that he became.

Savathun was also a fairly abusive person as well and probably the best comparison with Mara. She was knowingly manipulating her siblings, and her nephews, and also her children, for whom she had very little love and care. She also completely ignored them and left them pretty much for dead when she decided to become a Lightbearer. And you know what? Savathun is also an abuse victim herself as well. She is a traumatised person that has been on the receiving end of manipulation and we all feel very bad for her circumstances. And Savathun also wanted a second chance; and she got it!

Clovis was a massive abuser whose wife had to run away from him and hide, who did not see his child and his grandchildren as real individual people. He manipulated every single one of them, most of all Elsie, to whom he most likely lied about her disease to make her accept the Exo body and to whom he directly said that he is in control of all information about her own body. He also did not view any people as real people and instead, they were all experiments. Reading his logbook and his extra experiments (warning for medical trauma and body horror) is, to borrow words from an in-game character, "a gratuitous exercise in horror." He has never, not once, said or did anything that shows he regrets it or thinks anything he did was wrong.

You might say "but nobody is making excuses for Calus or Savathun or the Witness or Clovis!" And like, yes they are. They're never addressed as abusers and they have plenty of fans who treat them just like their cool blorbos. A really interesting example is the Witness who, by god, has a really cool design, but whom people are consistently treating only like a sexy otherworldly alien who is just sooo shippable with its abuse victim.

And as much as that makes me super uncomfortable, same as Calus bros who to this day swear that he's actually someone worthy of following or that Clovis is just a poor little meow meow that everyone is being too mean to, I am not here to tell people that they aren't allowed to do those things. And I am not going to send them guilt-tripping asks telling them that I am an abuse victim and that they cannot possibly have similar experiences because they post positively about these characters. And I certainly can't claim that none of them understand abuse.

I don't know why Mara is the only one that gets this sort of response. Mara is both an abuser and an abuse victim, she was a miserable person as a human to the point where she straight up decided to commit suicide. She was a cruel leader who believed that only she alone can save the world and that everybody else is at her disposal to be used as she wants. And she has since learned how awful she was and regrets it. She wants to change and be better. No matter the timeline, she remains our steadfast ally until the end. It's really not that difficult. There's no double or triple deceptions and manipulations involved.

Me and many others have actually literally been talking about how Destiny writing is currently focused so much on every character sounding like they've been going to therapy and how everyone is super introspective about their problems and wrongdoings. I assume this is because we're slowly wrapping things up and we can't have characters being too ambiguous in the face of our endgame enemies, but no matter what's the reason for it is, the conflicts and characters have been getting increasingly more straightforward. Mara is not going to flip the switch on us.

If you for any reason can't stand to see a storyline in which someone like Mara gets a second chance, that's something that you will have to deal with in your own time. Disengaging from the story is okay. Disengaging from the fandom is okay. Sometimes media will tell a story about your experience that doesn't align with yours perfectly, but it does align with other people who have been through similar issues.

And in case of Destiny, this is a story whose main theme is "second chances." Mara wants one so she deserves one. Savathun wanted one and she deserved one. Even Calus or Clovis or even the Witness; if they want one, they deserve one. It's okay to not want to forgive any of them personally and even to struggle with the fact that the story is trying to pass that as the right thing to do, but again, that's something for everyone to deal with in their time. And please don't make assumptions about other people and their relationship with abuse.

#destiny 2 #mara #abuse tw #long post #ask #ok to reblog btw #or add to

[eros-ghoulette]

the gif is there because one of my cats walked over my laptop and somehow managed to put it there:

Okay... this will be a post where I try to get to the root of what's actually going on with me...

I have the problem of feeling annoying for months now. I have social anxiety and had breakdowns once in two months or something. But since a few days it just got worse. I feel bad out of the nowhere, my stomach has this weird feeling of anxiety in it just out of the blue. And i am scarred somehow. Because i had a breakdown a few days ago, and i just don't know ho to deal with that. It sounds so harmless now...

I cried and felt better after hours of feeling unreal, and i hate that feeling. I'm constantly thinking about things i said days even weeks ago and i regret saying them, i even regret it when i had so much fun and i don't understand it. Why is my brain telling me that i'm annoying to everyone?

I want to write, because writing makes me happy, and i really love to write about Zephyr and Ifrit. But now my brain tells me i shouldn't write about them, that i should feel bad for writing those ficlets of them, because i get my inspiration often from fanarts. Because my brain tells me I'm stealing others people's ideas, and i feel so bad for it.

Even when I'm not at home, i feel the anxiety just randomly creeping up in me and i get either restless or i zone out. And that never happened before (not like that. I'm bad at explaining). And i just feel tired from one moment to the other sometimes, that this feeling overwhelms me.

While writing this my heart is pounding painfully hard and when i started my hands were shaking. I don't know what to do. I feel bad out of nowhere and i want to apologize for things i did. I want to apologize for using fanart as inspiration, even though the artist liked the ficlet. I want to apologize for writing about Zephyr in nearly every ficlet, because i feel bad for doing that. And i don't know why. I just feel bad for that.

And now i have thoughts about being alone. I'm not, i have a twin, great parents and two friends i trust. But i don't trust them when it's about my feelings and needs. I realized that i will never be someone's first choice (maybe my twins, but that's all). And it's so dumb, but i reblogged the "send me a ⭐if i'm one of your favourite mutuals"... post, even though i knew i'm not that important (i feel like i sound extremely egoistic and even pick me now). Because i get attached so easily that it will hurt me in the end. And people are nearly more important to me than i'm to them.

I feel bad for writing that, but also relieved and still...

and i want to thank the people who gave me nice words, because they mean so incredibly much to me 😭

#just venting #no one will read this #i know that #just needed to get it off...

[da-proti-toku-grem]

just me ranting again pls don't feel like you have to read or anything i just feel like i'll punch smth or someone if i don't get this out of my chest rn

i hate this fucking weird anxiety that apparently no one that i know irl fucking understands bc why does everyone gets encouraging words every time they're feeling anxious but i have to fucking suppress my anxiety (i'm starting to think maybe some of them are even panic attacks but it's not gonna help me to think about the now anyways) attacks bc people think it's stupid and i'm overreacting to normal situations that shouldn't be hard for anyone. and i hate that everyone thinks i have a problem with them like don't you fucking understand that i don't even know how i'm keeping myself alive at this point how the fuck am i supposed to have a problem with you when my own mind alone is a whole problem of its own

like this is all coming bc all of a sudden my parents decided to go out to dinner together (the three of us + my 2 brothers) and i really don't want to go out. fuck i'm crying my eyes out as i type this just at the mere thought of going out i feel like my heart is going to fucking explode if i put a foot outside. and i'm trying- i'm trying to tell my mom that i really really can't do this right now and i know that i have to try, that i have to do stuff so my brain gets the message that it's not bad, so i can get better, but I've barely started therapy 3 months ago and i have to take short steps not full on jump to do the scariest things. and i'm really trying my best to do stuff but today is not the day. and i tried to explain it to my mom but she (like every fucking time) just hit me with the "but why don't you want to go out with us, we're your family". girl is not that i don't want to go out with you, is that i don't want to go out

and then on top of that she was talking with my grandma over the phone and she asked about me (bc she knows i'm not doing well) and i know she's just asking bc she cares about me, but i really couldn't talk to her right now, but my mom saw that i was crying and she tried to pass me the phone anyways and i whispered to her "please don't. i can't talk to her right now" and she just turned around and said "she doesn't want to talk to anyone right now, she's just crying because she doesn't want to go out of the house with us" and really wtf was that bro

now i feel fucking worse because now i've made my grandma feel bad because she thinks i don't wanna talk to her and why tf do i do everything wrong. why tf does no one understands how i'm feeling or at least tries to. why can't i like normal things so i can get along with more people. i really don't want to change myself, i like how i am, but it's so fucking hard to believe in yourself and love yourself when everyone arounds you who claims to love you wants you to change the thing about yourself that makes you you. do they really love me or do they just love the façade i put for them when they're around. i feel so fake whenever i have to change things about myself. but if i don't they always hit me with their "don't wear that or they'll say [x]", " don't do that, that's weird", "why don't you go out like your friends do", "don't sit like that or you'll look like a dude", " you have to have some hobbies outside of your house", "you have shave like every woman does", " you have to start making sport to loose weight", etc etc etc

and i TRY, i fucking TRY to ignore all the comments, to just be the way i am, but what the fuck am i supposed to if no one likes me, they like the version of me they have in their heads, the potential of what i could be one day. but they don't fucking see that i'm fighting to stay alive every fucking day and the mere thought of having to wake up in the morning feeling like a weight is crushing on me. how tf am i supposed to think about the future and what i want to study now that i finally got the courage to tell my parents that i wanted to drop out of uni, when i'm fighting to stay alive

but even like that, i can't put it into words properly and explain to them how i feel and why i react the way i do to certain things because the moment i think about it i start crying like a pathetic baby. so now i'm in my room, crying silently because i can't even cry properly because i don't want to bother/worry the rest of my family. because even if i feel like shit i don't want to worry anyone

i feel fucking horrible and i'm not even capable of facing my own feelings. i just wish i could disappear in a house in the middle of the mountain and never talk to a single person ever again because i feel like i fuck it up every time i open my mouth. i should just shut up forever and never talk again. i'm the quiet girl after all, probably no one will notice anyways....

[dallasurr]

i feel so hurt and upset about Simon he needed to heal too

i can't sleep at night sometimes

I know this is so random but i don't care i feel so hurt by the idea of everyone healing but him dead and bound to be forgetten. .. i want him feel good i want to get him out of there.

I've said this before but as much as I'd like to see the series to its planned end, I'm not that unhappy about not getting season 5. It would be really hard for me to see Amelia get a redemption or her exit when she went on the train as a fully mature adult in her 30s, and did wayyyy worse things than Simon did. Although she was mentally unstable at the time she got on the train, it doesn't seem like she had a history of mental illness before Alrick died.

What Simon did to Grace and Hazel was fucked up, I can wrap my head around his justification for killing Tuba and I'm not the person to debate about this bc I straight up didn't like Tuba. She went out of her way to kidnap and scare Grace and Simon, who would have probably found the exit to the car and went on their way the next day without her interference, and I'm of the opinion that she put both herself and Hazel in danger with her little prank. I know we wouldn't have a story without it, and it doesn't justify her death, but literally from their first interaction she showed Simon she can be hostile and dangerous. And while she warmed up to Grace (according to Grace lol I didn't see much friendly interaction between them at all, just Grace enjoying/admiring the way she interacted with Hazel), Simon always got attitude from her, I can't blame him for not warming up to her.

Simon might have been 18 at the time of his season but let's be honest, both he and Grace were very immature and justifiably so. They only had each other and their delusions for years and years before they became guardians themselves. The train has proven itself to be dangerous, and proved how high the stakes are when he died, but people act like he was a fucking monster for doing what he thought he needed to protect himself, grace and hazel from a perceived threat. He could have been a little more tactful with explaining what happened, or lied about it, but like tbh as a neurodivergent person myself who sees Simon as someone who is on the autism spectrum, I REALLY struggle with lying and deceiving people so I can understand why he just blurted out the truth without any thought.

I do think one of the most irredeemable things he did was dehumanize Grace and trap her in her memories, whether or not he knew it could kill her (I assume he didn't bc the Cat as usual didn't explain shit to him) the way he pushed her over and walks away makes me nauseous.

But I certainly don't think he deserved to die for that, and I think the series would have been a lot better if instead of kicking her off the train again (which at this point in the scene felt kind of slapstick i'm ngl), Simon finally broke out of his paranoid and delusional thought patterns and they were able to drag everyone back into the mall car for a heart to heart.

In my head in episodes 9 and 10 he's a lot like Catra in The Portal episodes, but instead of getting 2 more seasons after his fall from grace (lol) to recover and heal and fix his issues, he just got killed instead.

And it sucks because dude was clearly mentally ill and traumatized, and as someone who has mental illness and trauma that can make me act out sometimes too, who also struggles to read the room and understand what people want from me if they don't tell me directly, who ALSO had parents that didn't have my best interests as even a consideration to whatever they could gain from me, it kind of reinforces my anxiety which tells me that I deserve to suffer because of x y z stupid thing I did or said 5, 10, even 20 years ago.

(and before anyone says simon had all the chances to change and grow that grace did, please rewatch the season, he absolutely did not and all of the events that led to grace growing as a person happened when simon wasn't around, yes he was immature in a lot of moments but dude literally did not have a normal adolescence and to expect him to act like a fucking adult all the time after that is ridiculous)

#infinity train #simon laurent #i'm not debating this so don't waste ur time lmao

[moonchild-in-blue]

Hey there! A bit late but i'm here for the ask game! (*´v｀*) I'd like to ask 1, 11, 23, 63, 78 and 88 but i know it's a lot so no pressure, please feel free to ignore any of them if you don't feel like answering it! 🫂💖

Hi!!! Not late, never late! I will put this under the cut because ~lenght~. These are all very good questions, thank you Lev 💙🪲

(What’s your biggest insecurity? Do you like who you are around people? Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you ever get paranoid? What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends? What kinds of things confuse you?)

1 - What’s your biggest insecurity?

My body, which is such a sad answer, but it's true. I'm working on it. My voice - some people do not take me seriously because I have a "girly voice", especially when stressed, even though it's really not that high pitched. I had to force my Big Girl Sexy Deeper Voice out at my previous job just to get my points across. Again, sad.

Also my inability of expressing my feelings out loud. I write it a lot, but I can't genuinely remember the last time I said the words "I love you" with my own voice.

I know why I am the way I am, and I wish it didn't get to me, but this will be my cross to bear until the end of my days. I think I try to be as loudly affectionate as possible here, because I'm hoping it will make it easier for me irl.

11 - Do you like who you are around people?

Depends on the people, really. I like the way I am around my friends, even if there are parts of me I supress. I wish I was better around my sister - she deserves more than I am, and it frustrates me that I sometimes act like our parents towards her. It kills me inside.

I don't know how to answer in relation to my parents. On one hand, it's very relieving to be amongst people who understand certain parts of me without me having to justify or explain (something about being a 1st gen immigrant child lol). On the other, being at home puts me back to my 16yo mindset, when I was really angry and sad and struggling, and I hate it.

With strangers, it really depends. I am too anxious to notice haha. I just really like to be alone, I suppose. It's easier that way, at least.

23 - Do you believe in an afterlife?

Yes! I am very much Christian, so I do believe in heaven/hell, and the concept of an afterlife.

I don't really talk about it much here, because I know there are so many of you who have been failed and mistreated in the name of religion (which was not how any of this was supposed to happen, and it really breaks my heart) and prefer to steer away, which I 100% understand. Also, some people get extremely weird around Christians, and assume a number of things without even talking to them, so I spare myself the unpleasantness. I hope this makes some sense!

63 - Do you ever get paranoid?

Baby, anxiety is my middle name. I get paranoid about things you could never imagine. 😎 But yeah.

Every time I hear my door bell ringing, or knocking, I always think it's the police coming to get me, even thought the most illegal thing I've done is download music?? And my family is... normal. No suspicious activity or anything, so I really don't understand why. Make it make sense.

78 - What’s one thing you don’t feel comfortable doing around your friends?

There isn't much I'm not comfortable with tbh. My friends have seen me at my worse, and we know almost everything about each other. We've been friends for a very long time.

Maybe just being affectionate? I have a really hard time with that, but it gets easier around them. And they know how unhinged I am about my blorbos, so I don't really need to censor myself haha. I do a little code-switching. I speak a bit differently around my family, and with them I tend to use a more generalised/commonly accepted language, rather then my parent's countries expressions.

88 - What kinds of things confuse you?

LIFE IN GENERAL. How do you make decisons? How do you know you're in the right path?

Math. Cars. Sports. It's all Simlish to me lmao.

#very good questions! I had to sit with myself for a while thinking about them #i hope this makes some sense lol #ask game #darya answers

[schizosupport]

Hi Glitch, thanks for everything you do with your blog! My partner and I are parenting a wonderful 1 year old kiddo whose bio mom is living in an assisted living center and has persistently experienced hallucinations and delusions that make her life difficult. She's bounced between diagnoses, making treatment difficult, and because there is no family history of these symptoms we're not sure if it's heritable or not. As a result, it's super important to us to 1) explain the story of where she's living is in the kindest and most loving way possible, and 2) be super on top of things so we can be ready in case the baby does experience symptoms later in life.

I have been trying to read as many first-person memoirs and stories as I can from people, and particularly loved The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. That's where I learned about the term "prodromal schizophrenia" and the phase of people's lives where they may first begin to experience magical thinking, mood disturbance, or paranoid thoughts before their first "classic" symptoms of psychosis or hallucination arise. May I ask if you experienced prodromal symptoms yourself, or if you have any thoughts on how to best tell the difference between them and the kind of depression, mood swings, and anxiety that can just come with the territory of being a teenager/young adult? I'm trying to figure out what to look for that could be a sign that in addition to depression symptoms, a teen might experience a break from reality soon.

I figure the obvious best bet is "have a great relationship with your kid so that you notice and be there if things get hard in early adulthood", and "prepare him explicitly for things he should look out for and ask him to tell me if he starts having thoughts like being watched, his food being poisoned, or having ideas/images that don't feel like they belong to him appear in his mind." Or do you think that if you had been told as a child that you might have your mind play tricks on you and you should tell someone if XYZ happens that would have made you feel like you were doomed to scary experiences or like there was something broken about you? I don't know the best way to explain to a child that he may or may not experience something far later in life, and how much and what kind of information is helpful as opposed to something that would turn into a source of fear and self-doubt.

Thanks so much for any thoughts you may have!

Hi there anon!! Thank you for reaching out, I think it's awesome that you are doing your best to educate yourself/yourselves about the schizo spec experience as a result of this situation!

Firstly, I'm wondering what y'alls relationship is to the mother? If at all possible, I recommend getting to know the mother. It will first off give you a firsthand secondhand understanding of the type of psychosis she’s dealing with, and hopefully over time, things that have helped her feel better. Second off, hopefully it will demystify psychosis to you guys on some level, so it isn't this scary foreign object that your child might be harbouring. And lastly, it makes it easier to communicate with the kid as he gets older about who his mother is, why she wasn't in a place to raise him herself etc.

If for whatever reasons getting to know the mother is not an option, finding another way to get in touch with adults who deal with psychosis can be good. Psychosis can be very hard to understand for people who never experienced anything like it, but by reading accounts from people who have (as you are doing), and ideally through meeting and getting to know people who struggle with these things, it starts to feel less alien. Or so I believe. The common human response to psychotic people is often dehumanization. Because it's too painful to internalize that this is a real person like everyone else having emotions and experiences that are as real to them as any emotion or experience is to anyone else. So talking to adults who go through life with the veil to the nightmare realm being a bit too thin for comfort, is important, so you don't feel like psychosis = lost child. (Not instigating that you do, just stressing the importance).

So the thing about psychosis and so on is that yeah, so there's some genetic component in here, but as you also allude to, psychosis is many different things. That said, looking at diagnoses, getting a diagnosis of schizophrenia, autism, adhd and schizotypal is more likely if you have a parent with either of those diagnoses. So a schizophrenic parent increases the risk of autism too etc. At lower instances this is true of every psychiatric disorder.

This is all to say, diagnoses are a simplified way to look at a complex reality. But people who go on to develop psychosis, and not uncommonly their direct descendants, often have what could be described as non-specific neurodivergency that can go in different directions. As a result, most schizophrenic people, for instance, relate strongly to autistic and adhd experiences (and some have earlier diagnoses of such).

Kids with this type of non-specific neurodivergency are prone to experiencing bullying etc, which can be a bad feedback loop for developing psychotic tendencies (bc kids with psychotic tendencies get bullied more + bullying causes an increase in psychotic symptoms).

So what I'm getting at is that there's a good chance the kid might face some difficulties in life, and trying to build him a safe base at home and a place to express his emotions and experiences (even if they're weird or concerning!) without judgment, is very important.

To answer your question, yes, I think you'd say that I had a prodromal phase. But in my case it's a bit odd to say, since it happened when I was very young. In kindergarten and early school years, I experienced what would generally be referred to as such. And by middle school I was paranoid and delusional to a classic psychotic degree. In a lot of ways I was lucky that school was very easy to me, and I figured out ways to deal with these symptoms and get through life for the most part until this started falling apart in uni when I was in my early twenties, where I eventually was put in a position where I had to face professional assistance .. This may come across as unusual based on the literature, but I talk to many many psychotic people, and the vast majority of those that I talk to, had paranoid ideation, extreme magical thinking, hallucinations and dissociation as commonplace in childhood. Often it takes years before it gets acknowledged as such, but nevertheless.

So for me, while my dad might qualify for diagnosis beyond adhd (which he has), my (late) aunt was the “big bad schizo” in my family history. My dad told me some frankly quite terrifying stories when I was a child about his schizophrenic sister, about how she behaved, how she was treated (in the 60s and 70s), her beliefs, her suicide attempts and her suicide. As a child I felt a kinship to this aunt who died many years before I was born, but it was equally clear to me that my dad was traumatized by the way he lost his sister, and I was terrified of becoming “like her”. So like. That was not a helpful approach, I can say that much.

That said I enjoyed kinda having her as a weird icon of ‘the other weirdo in the family’ on some level I didn't yet know how to explain. So I think that talking to your kid about his mum is good and important, including her struggles, but I think it's important to do so in an age appropriate manner. I don't think you need to spell out to him that he should look out for these signs in himself, it will come naturally, if he knows his mother was “like that”. If he starts to experience things, he now has words and context to begin to understand what's happening to him. That's the key to building “insight” on a lot of levels. And if you manage to present it as something that isn't a literal death sentence, he may be more willing and feel more safe to talk to you about it too.

On that note, I think that regardless of his mum's condition, it's important to introduce him to the concept of psychosis and associated experiences as a spectrum, so he doesn't assume that there's only one way to be “like that” with one common result. So like, don't specifically tell him to look out for things like whether he is feeling paranoid, bc I don't think that's helpful. But letting him know that his mother struggles with/has struggled with such thoughts and experiences, and it's a type of disorder that has a name/names, and can manifest in many different ways, could be a helpful middle ground.

As for how to tell other teenage difficulties from the prodromal stages of schizophrenia, honestly it's neigh impossible. I would argue that the presence of ipseity disturbance points towards schizophrenia, but I wouldn't recommend asking a bunch of questions related to the experience of self, bc that's triggering as hell if he IS dealing with that .. So I think my best advice is to deal with symptoms as they arise, and don't look for a specific inevitable pattern. There's no real way to know the future, and if you expect Y symptom once you've seen X symptom, you can accidentally push him in that direction. So I think that responding to any given symptom as a standalone experience, rather than as a sign of a specific disorder, is the best approach. The worst thing that can happen is you guys starting to interpret his whole person according to the expectations of a disorder (even if he does get diagnosed with said disorder!). He's always an individual first.

An important note is that it's not like we have any treatment that definitely halts a prodromal phase anyways. People talk a lot about early intervention, but from my perspective it's pretty controversial.

Sure, if you can afford it, it might be great if he has a therapist that he trust during his teenage years, to talk things through with etc. But other than that there's not much to do. I'm not really a proponent of early intervention antipsychotics, and I think the best is to not assume the steps ahead, but just help him wherever he's at. Plenty of people go through what could accurately be described as a prodromal phase without ever developing further, too. Sometimes things just are, and your kid is a bit of a weirdo, and that's fine! :p

On the note of memoirs and so on, I don't know if you read it, but I really liked the book “a road back from schizophrenia” by Arnhild Lauveng, I think it may be a relevant read too. The English translation is lackluster, but it still gets the points across I feel.

At the end of the day there’s no real way to predict if your child will experience these struggles, but hey, that's true for any child! He has a whole life of experiences ahead of him, some good, some bad. And the best you can do is be by his side, and try to give him a safe space where he feels that he can be himself and talk about his experiences, good or bad. And this also includes respecting when he sets boundaries and doesn't want you involved, which can be hard if psychosis is involved. But the best way to keep being a safe person long term is to respect his boundaries, even if they are arbitrary or doesn't seem to make sense based on your understanding of the world.

Just the fact that you are sending this message to this account, I take as a wonderful sign of your investment in this kid and his future. I hope you will love him lots, and he you (and your partner). I hope you have a happy beautiful family ❤️ with or without psychosis.

#suicide cw #long post