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sugar-petals · 5 years

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:: BTS ◇ Being Their Werewolf Girlfriend

NOTE › @.btsxdoll reblogged a ‘where are the female werewolves in fantasy?’ post which inspired this. enjoy ♡

↳ warnings 🌙 dom/sub, smut, angst, marking, dash of humor

[ jimin ] ➝ He definitely knows that catchy Shakira song, even the Spanish version. But what a real she-wolf roaming his garden at 3 AM ends up being like will blow his mochi mind. Oh yes. It really is a whole new world. And holy shit, you are one hell of a gnarling beast on that lawn. Jimin will be honest with you: If he could, he’d probably brag on twitter all day that you have gigantic claws. That he’s allowed to touch them when you aren’t particularly wilding out somewhere in the local forest scratching pine trees or off to hang out with a fifteen-member, cigarette-smoking ghoul gang.

But since it’s classified who you are, no tweets allowed. Sadly, he can’t meet the cool ghouls either. For obvious reasons though, he’d be too tasty a dinner, and he understands that you want to protect him. It’s already hard on you to have a kind of parallel life far from your control. Something so covert, scary, and taboo. Mingling with dangerous cemetary creatures for a night, only to return to a completely normal life. As if nothing happened! But cordial Jimin reassures you. Doesn’t make a hidden werewolf identity make someone the most interesting person ever? He couldn’t be a better boyfriend.

[ taehyung ] ➝ It’s no secret that sweet Tae loves everything fluffy. The boy can’t lie, he likes your fur and muzzle. Every time you transform, he even keeps a diary entry on it. Keenly documenting everything he observes from characteristics to variations of behavior depending on the environment. You really could say he’s a werewolf biologist. He even discovers that if you eat red cabbage the with the moon waning, the transformation happens a lot faster than usual. Seriously, who could be better at dealing with any canine activity — large-scale, small-scale — than dog lover Taehyung.

What he’s scared of and prevents a lot of cuddles are your, um, well. Huge dripping fangs and a bite force of five-hundred pounds per square inch to back it up. He has a reason to be careful. However, you’d rather devour some random suburb animals even in your worst of moods. Yeontan excluded. He likes you. It’s fun communicating with him. The world is interesting through werewolf eyes, but since it’s only for one night or two, Yeontan’s perspective is even more interesting since his form is permanent. Rascal sure knows a lot of gossip that would otherwise have never seen the light of day.

[ jin ] ➝ Now, let’s set the record straight. If there’s one man on the face of this sordid planet who loves sizzling danger? It’s Worldwide Fearless on duty. Jin is the chosen one to have as a designated boyfriend. All his life he dreamed of eerie thrills like that, and it became true. Fate! The first night you were shocked to see your ears grow all fuzzy out of literal nowhere, but Jin knew he made the right dating choice. Your final form has the guy all fired up. He desperately wants to be bitten, growled at, paw-slapped, tossed around, walked on (!), licked head to toe. Long story short, he’s your #1 biggest were-fan.

But at the end of the day, no sexual feelings and acts involved. You’ve talked about that at length. To him, such conversations are normal, but which other couple ever talks about something as touchy. Jin would totally be a monster fucker if you weren’t completely beside yourself after transformation. So there is surely be no guarantee of what could happen. Especially with you being a very hungry lycanthrope raiding the basement. Which he neatly stocks up three days before the big event, and you can feast on it instead of turning this whole party into a literal “EatJin”. God forbid, you’d rather walk on him.

[ yoongi ] ➝ As cool as a cucumber. His mother raised a level-headed boy. When the moon is out there taking its monthly liberty to go off I guess, he sits on the porch with his phone’s lunar calendar and Rolex out, only waiting for shit to go down. Yes, he’s mastered all predictive methods. Sweet technology has made it easy for him. You always joke how Yoongi might as well open a ‘Were-Watching’ tourism business if the world were just a bit more open-minded and capitalism an ethical thing. Anyways. In the meantime, you’re busy hulking out in the cornfields and howling like there’s no tomorrow.

Usually coming back for breakfast, hornier than the local elks in heat. Still with all rabid instincts half active, ready to pounce on what smells so good lying in your bed without pajamas on. Yoongi thinks he’s just one lucky dude not just getting all marked up, but occasionally salivated on when he’s waking up. Normally, sex would end up casual, but post-transformation banging is guaranteed to be energetic and sweaty beyond what he believed was possible. Which guy has his girlfriend plant herself on top of him baring her teeth like, well yeah, a fucking wolf? And he thought life would be endlessly boring.

[ hoseok ] ➝ When you first approach him with your secret five months into the relationship, he thinks that you want to act out some hybrid fanfiction or roleplay. You say no Hoseok, I really am, y’know, huge and a dangerous ball of fur once in a while. But to no avail. To him, out of sight, out of mind. The oddly not-like-you-but-actually-you-shaped footprints around the garage don’t convince him. Hell, even the two-day ‘mountain vacation’ you take every four weeks doesn’t make Hoseok question that something very wolfy could be going on. “A wolf? Just drop by then!” he says, all nonchalant.

So it takes the big wolf lady to knock on his window to prove that she’s not kidding and this is what he signed up for. He will take a while to digest things, reconsider his priorities. Is he prey, is he not? Tongue-in-cheek, you assure him that you only munch on the super built hikers who throw their trash into nature. You surely wouldn’t feel saturated eating a skinny guy. That does help Hoseok feel off limits in an unexpected way. There’s still much to get used to, but his chef talent can deal with your strong appetite surging every once in a while and he helps to remove the footprints so the neighbors don’t worry.

[ namjoon ] ➝ It’s like Fox Mulder seeing actual aliens land on earth. Hardly surprised. “Knew it!” is the final verdict when you confess to RM what’s going on. After some lightheaded pre-full-moon feelings make you rip up a sofa pillow at night. Entirely in a daze and pretty much close to howling already. Namjoon quickly understands the scope of peril and eventually opts for sleeping at Jimin’s if it gets a little too animalistic. Other than that, he’s well-informed. He might as well read ‘Mystic Creatures of Moderity′ in his favorite chair while you’re busy gnawing on a raw steak locking yourself in the kitchen.

Namjoon is happy to have something weird going on in his life to shake things up. It feels like a movie to him. Arguably, to others, it would be bizarre and both of you have to hide everything properly. Blasting funky disco music during your noisier transformations and such. Or pretending you’re a very well-crafted 3D robot Halloween costume which people do buy into. But some paranormal stuff happening in his backyard once a month? A whole lot of shed grey hair clogging the shower the day after transforming? Who gives a fuck, it’s just Joon’s girlfriend having a jolly good time. X-Files case closed.

[ jungkook ] ➝ Admittedly... a bit obsessed. With seeing your full eight feet tall incarnation, doing some unhinged shit out in the woods. That’s sexy. But JK is also caring — you’re hypersensitive to anything silver and most other human interference, after all. Sure, his scent has been up close for a long enough time not to trigger you anymore, even in your full wolven form. But there are still risks involved. The angel promises to stay by your side regardless. And indeed: He’s gonna camp in a raised blind with binoculars to watch over you in the forest moonlight. No zookeeper will get their hands on you, promised.

Jungkook really admires you in every aspect. No judgment. The animal enthusiast in him just can’t help it. Wolves in and of themselves are a huge interest to him, now he gets to know that you can grow paws, a tail and all that, the full package? Wow. He will never not be stunned. Jungkook wants to know everything about your kind. What you eat, how your heightened senses work, how you navigate your territory, what you feel. He also loves the thrill of adrenaline because boy do you go apeshit in the first couple hours of moonlight exposure. JK is a positive type of overwhelmed. The guy’s in love.

#bts #bts headcanons #bts scenarios #bts angst #bts x reader #bts imagines #bts fantasy au #bts reactions #original content

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gromvillage · 4 years

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all odd numbers. do it coward

jesus fucking christ i love you

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

probably one of my friends when we went to the mall the day before homecoming?? it was a while ago

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

i can’t wait to see my cousin again but i also have this one really cool uncle that i’d like to see again. actually i’d like to see a lot of my family cause they live far away but i don’t know when i’ll see them next

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i never want to be drunk but i think they definitely would

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

i’d like to say yes because i’m a thirsty bitch but the answer is prolly no

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

negative ghostrider, my friends are tired of hearing me talk about me being thirsty

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

me yelling at my friends about how i want to be on bear grylls’ show, cause i think him and i would have a great time hanging out

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

oh hell yeah, my friends got acrylics a couple months ago and i was literally begging them to play with my hair and scratch my head

15. What good thing happened this summer?

lots of good things happened this summer! i went to scout camp, went to washington/canada with some friends, and went to europe for the first time!!

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

i’d like to think so! but also,,,,i think it’s probably not like little green dudes sadly, prolly just like microscopic shit that happens to be alive

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i haven’t taken a bath since i was really young, the idea of sitting in your own water is gross

21. What are you bad habits?

oh lots...picking the skin around my nails, i can be really lazy, not tidying up my room as often as i should which then makes me feel weird, the list can go on and on

23. Do you have trust issues?

oh you bet baby, i don’t really have reason to cause no one has done anything absolutely horrible to me (yet) but i am constantly questioning the intents of the people i’m close to

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my face but also the fact i have no thighs and my arms are super scrawny

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker, i have such a hard time tanning and i’m high key pale

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

h a h a have to have been in a relationship to have has an ex

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeah one tiny one on the top of my head

33. Spell your name with your chin.

paigved

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

ohhh tough...probably tv though cause i stay listening to music all the time

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

hi welcome to chili’s

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

rei or any outdoor store really, small independent stationary shops, target kinda slaps, really any little shop that’s along the main street of a smaller town

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

negative ghostrider

43. Do you smile at strangers?

not really, i’m super self conscious about my teeth and also think i look kinda creepy when i do it

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact i have to go to school sadly but my goal is to one day get out of bed and be excited to do a job i love

47. Have you ever been high?

negative ghostrider, that kinda shit freaks me out

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

yeah there’s a couple things

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

all the time, i stay wishing i was an olympic skier or pro mountain athlete or literally anyone more interesting than me

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i don’t wear makeup!

55. Favourite blog?

@friendlydinosaur of course but also big fan of @perpetualpatchwork and a bunch of bon appetit blogs

57. Favourite food?

bread/pasta/sweets

59. First thing you ate this morning?

really lame breakfast sandwich thing on a piece of toast with cream cheese and lunch meat cause i’m lazy

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

no but i kinda wish, i have too much of a fear of authority/my parents

63. Ever been in love?

not yet

65. Are you hungry right now?

not super hungry but i could go for some ice cream

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter, i’m not a 40 year old lady jesus christ

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope

71. Craving something? What?

someone to hold me but also really wanna go skiing or on an adventure in general

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

that’s gonna be a no

75. Favourite animal?

ohhh i stay being a closet horse girl but also think elk are pretty cool! also just generally love dogs

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate (but vanilla if it’s the really good shit)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

maroon! i stay wearing this color all the time

81. Favourite tv show?

i still haven’t finished turn but i do like it a lot! also i just think i finished watching something on netflix but i can’t remember what?? but i feel like i liked it?? thinking is hard

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

never seen either sadly

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

see above

87. First person you talked to today?

my mom

89. Name a person you hate?

there are a couple but i’m not bouta drag em on tumblr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

oh i could come up with a few people....

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

sadly only two pairs but i want more

95. Last movie you watched?

part of ratatouille with this girl that’s kinda like a little cousin to me

97. Favourite actor?

i don’t really have a favorite but i’m big on timothee chalamet at the moment

99. Have any pets?

a sickly beta fish i inherited from my brother when he moved

101. Do you type fast?

i’d like to think so

103. Can you spell well?

oh hell no

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

a couple, though none recently sadly

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

a few times!! again, closet horse girl

109. Is something irritating you right now?

the fact i’ve left some major work till the last minute, this one really painful pimple on my face, the way i stay wasting my time

111. Do you have trust issues?

this is a repeat from 23?? but the answer is still yes

113. What was your childhood nickname?

paigey, but a lot of people still use it! also foo foo the snoo was something my mom called me as kind of an inside joke rhyme thing

115. Do you play the Wii?

not anymore, though i was big on wii sports resort and the wipeout game when i was younger. oh also the lego harry potter, cause i liked to collect all the coins while my brother did the Actual Gaming for the levels

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

not really, the noodles are always super mushy and i just don’t really like the flavor

119. Favourite book?

i sadly haven’t been reading a ton lately and have forgotten literally every book i’ve ever read but i really enjoyed on jon krakauer’s eiger dreams that i read this summer

121. Are you mean?

sometimes, yeah

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

i kept a pair of white slip on vans pretty clean for a while! the trick is to use scotch guard

125. Do you believe in true love?

i haven’t thought about it a lot but i guess?

127. What makes you happy?

oh lots of things! nice weather, spending time outdoors, good food, time with good friends, ice cream, exploring, creating things

129. What your zodiac sign?

sagittarius (almost my birthday!!)

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

now that i think about it i don’t think i have a best guy friend?? but if i did i guess if i didn’t like them i’d try and be nice about it cause i’ve had a crush on close friends and know it sucks when they don’t feel the same way

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

“but if i get my shit together this year maybe i’ll be a ten” -10/10 by rex orange county

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

oh i’m sure i told some dumb lies when i was a kid but i can’t remember any right now

137. How tall are you?

barely 5′1″

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

141. Night or Day?

depends on the mood

143. Are you a vegetarian?

i really should be for the earth but meat bruh

145. Tea or Coffee?

i don’t drink either!

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

not really but the other night i woke up to my waterbottle falling off my nightstand and that was some freaky shit

love you dude, i really needed this tonight

#grom village replies #if you have questions about even numbers #hit me up boys

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goldbergjonblog · 7 years

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This Is How Horror Movies Start

As you grow up there are many milestones, signs, ages and moments that claim you are “a man.” There’s the fake ones like being bar mitzvah’d or losing your virginity or just turning eighteen. There are the assumed ones like getting a job, getting married, buying a house or having a kid. There are the personal ones, like the fact that I was recently able to root for the New York Rangers in a playoff game. As a kid I was an Islanders fan. The Rangers made me angry. The Rangers made me cry. The Rangers made me slap a kid in the face when I was twelve because he rubbed it in a little too much after a devastating loss. So the fact that I could stand up with 23,000 Rangers fans and legitimately cheer for them was to me, a true sign of growth and maturity, because my twelve year-old self would never be able to fathom how that could ever happen. But does that make me “a man”? Doubtful. Maybe the only way to really know if you are a man is to measure yourself against others. To be put in the same environment and see how you do. Maybe the real sign of manhood are the tests, tests of will, tests of courage and tests of sanity.

A few years ago there was a test that presented itself and put my manhood on the line. "Daddy, I want to catch a fish." This came from my son Charlie, an ocean-life obsessed five year-old at the time. He really wanted this more than anything and there was only one man that could help him reach this goal, and he was two thousand miles away.

My wife grew up in Montana, a state whose name I don't think I even uttered until I was twenty-five. I am amazed when I go there at how she could have come from such a place. It is beautiful no doubt, but from my perspective it's a different country. It is so far from our current reality, as she's been in New York for over twenty years. There were moments when I was more at home in India (Jewtown specifically...look it up). My wife always says that she felt like an alien growing up there and I totally understand. That's what New York is for. It's a planet filled with all of these aliens who have found a home away from their hometown. A place where they don't stand out but they actually blend in. I am very comfortable in my own hometown and can fake it in most places, but in Montana, you may as well just get me a seat between Richard Branson and Justin Bieber and send me to Mars.

I went on my first trip to Montana in 2002, essentially, to meet the FAMILY. Her dad has two brothers and five sisters, who have an average of two kids each. Her mom has four brothers and one sister, also averaging two kids each, so the math is extraordinary as far as cousins go. Luckily only about a third of her family lives in Montana. The other three thousand live in the slightly more familiar planet of Minnesota. In preparing for the trip I had to work with flash cards. "So Rick is married to Jean and their kids are Kayla and Keith"? "Cody...Kayla and Cody...Keith is my uncle that lives in Minnesota." And it would go like that for days up until the big family dinner where I would look at Rick, shake his hand and say "hey Kevin".

If they were to create someone that is the polar opposite of me then my father-in-law, Tom, would be the perfect choice. Let's look at the scoreboard. He lives in Kalispell, Montana, shadowed by Glacier Park, where bears are a nuisance. I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn, shadowed by Prospect Park, where strollers are a nuisance. He retired at 62 after 35 years working on the railroad (seriously, he drove cargo trains up and down the Pacific Northwest). I'm a fucking ad guy with no hopes of retirement. When a relative wants a house, they buy a plot of land, call my father-in law and his brothers and they drive hundreds of miles to help build it, from scratch. Where once there was nothing, now there was a house. Like a family of David Copperfields. After we bought our house, completely renovated, my in-laws flew out and built a shed in our backyard over a rainy weekend. They were rubbing it in my nose, literally in my own backyard. When my relatives buy a house I might send them a lovely waffle iron. My father in-law's "pets" are packhorses, horses that he uses to disappear into the woods for two weeks so they can carry a recently shot moose on their backs. I have a Labradoodle, who sometimes wears a raincoat on her back. His favorite hobby is hunting, but he uses a bow to keep it fair. I like playing basketball, but I stay on the outside to avoid aggressive elbowing. So my insecurities of where I stand on the manhood acceptance scale are at a heightened state before I even board the plane for Montana.

If there were one place that really boils the culture shock down into an image it's my in-laws' basement. It is overwhelmed by the presence of stuffed animals, just staring at you from all angles. And I’m not talking inanimate stuffed animals like Nemo, Snoopy and Buzz Lightyear, but animals that were once very animate and now are stuffed. Two things really stood out in that basement. First, these were not stuffed birds or squirrels. There were cougars, moose and elk with antlers that looked like giant witch fingers. The second thing that hit me was that these were all animals he had actually bagged. I think the moment I saw that room my penis went to the nearest computer, got online, booked the first flight back to New York (I think he prefers Orbitz when in a rush), packed up his little rucksack, hopped to the front door, realized he forgot something and approached me, yanked my pants down and grabbed my balls, dropping them in the bag. He continued to the door, turned back toward me, gave me one last look with his eye and said, "And you've been telling people you're a man all these years. Well I can't support this charade anymore." That was followed by a dramatic door slam.

As I looked at all of the animals covering the walls, no matter how anti-gun, anti-hunting, anti-NRA, anti-anything an upper west side raised Jew would be anti, I could feel nothing but respect. My wife had told me stories of how one elk would feed them for the winter. They would get it butchered into steaks, burgers, chops, chili and sausage and put it in a freezer. It's probably the right way to live, although I don't know if I could give up going to specialty stores and getting the meat in one place, the bread in another and the veggies from the green market fresh on a daily basis. Now that's my kind of hunting ("oh I hope Union Market has the Alaskan wild-caught Salmon, or US farmed, never foreign farmed, yeah I hope they have that.")

Tom and I did find common ground in sports, specifically baseball and a love for the Minnesota Vikings. So there was always easy conversation if there were any awkward moments of silence in my future. Like if we were going after some elk or a bear we could talk, I should say whisper, about the Yankees overspending, the Vikings' offensive line play and their draft class that year.

My son was fixated on fish from a very early age and he would always talk about wanting to go fishing. I have no experience fishing, at times going to great lengths to avoid it, but he and his sister, Lucy, are the only two people on the planet that could make me go and actually be excited about it. Charlie had to catch a fish. We had tried and tried, on lakes, rivers, ponds, even in Prospect Park, with no luck, although we did catch some "stick fish." But Grandpa Tom was going to make it happen. An old friend of his had a house with a stream about forty-five minutes away, deep in the woods. Now when I say woods, we are talking about the woods of Montana. This is like the Yankee Stadium of woods. This is the kind of woods where your chances of survival take a noticeable tick down, and I've brought my five year-old son into this. Two thoughts begin to battle in my mind.

1. This is what being a father is all about.

2. This is how horror movies start.

As a parent you are constantly playing a game of "Final Destination". The name of the game is in reference to a series of movies in the 2000's where Gen-Xers were killed seemingly by accident, although darker forces were at work. Electric wires would loosely squirm around and land in a puddle as the football player steps in it. A trailer becomes detached and slams into the young fashionista's car. A flying metal pole impales the over-the-top snobby girl that seduced the hot English teacher (ok I've never seen these movies but I imagine I'm not too far off). It was basically a Hollywood version of a safety manual. The way the parent version of the movie works is you scan a room, playground, restaurant or situation and determine what are the simple to outrageous ways my kids could get hurt, maimed or killed. There are minimal risks ("just move that table before you jump off the couch"), moderate risks ("you can only climb up to the middle rail if you're going to lean over the boat") and unacceptable risks ("don't put the drape cord around your neck"). The unacceptable one is always met with rejection, a lot of "but whys" and at times pure defiance, resulting in grabbing, pulling, redecorating or outright banishment. There are certain times when this game is heightened, usually because of two things - when confronted with the unknown, and when others leave you alone to deal with that confrontation. And when this one two punch works in tandem, it could expose you as a complete and utter wimp. My punches came in the woods of Montana.

We are bumping along in the truck with my wife's seven year-old nephew towards what could be the highlight of my young son's life and the worst nightmare of mine. As we approached Paul's house, Tom, with complete sincerity and sternness, says "Jon, I should let you know there are bears out here, so keep an eye on the kids when we’re outside." My head jerks up, hoping he was joking, but he did not break character. So I eked out an "Ok" that, let's just say, lacked the confidence that one might be looking for from a parent. So the game was afoot and Death had made its presence felt. The images begin. Let's call it "a horrible mind," as it starts racing to all of the things that I read, saw or heard about bears and how to avoid them or, worst case scenario, defend yourself against them. The major points that I remembered were "be still and hope they don't approach you but never...never run. And if mauling is about to happen....fight like hell." So I am ready to give myself up for my son, already preparing for the mauling, hoping the bear starts high and ends it quickly. I activated my spidey sense, constantly scanning the area. If we were in New York I would be completely aware of my surroundings. I would know where the best pizza place is within three blocks or where the nearest New York Sports Club is in case I had a bathroom emergency. I could even break down suspicious characters and know if I needed to cross the street at any moment. But here, it was just complete, helpless paranoia.

We arrived at Paul’s, immediately unloaded our gear (that's right I said gear) and headed out to the stream. We are all business at this point. And speaking of business I had to be on a conference call with a client about twenty-minutes into our angling. Although I was in one of the most peaceful and beautiful parts of the country, I was feeling more stress at this moment then I've felt being stuck on the Southern State Parkway on a Friday in August trying to catch a 6:30 ferry to Fire Island, probably the most stressful feeling a New Yorker can have. This is not what "A River Runs Through It" was trying to convey. We walked down to the stream, which was teeming with fish...excuse me, brook trout. They were basically falling out of a rock and grass tunnel into the fast moving water, like splashing kids going down a water slide, three and four at a time. This was gonna work. Tom started to bait Charlie's hook and threw the bait to me for mine. This is one of those moments that we all know well. It's the "pretend you know what you're doing so you don't look like an ass even though you don't know what you're doing" moment. If my penis were still around I'd imagine he would look up at me, maybe his Shar Pei like wrinkles would contort to look like folded arms, and say something to the effect of "whatcha got?"

I am an animal lover but I will eat the crap out of pretty much anything, except veal as I'm still shaken by the photo of what "milk fed" really means. But I'm rarely confronted with murder. Okay, it was a worm, but I was ending its life by sticking a sharp hook into its head, or whatever they call it. Once I realized that my son was staring at me, there was no turning back. "Daddy, are you going to kill that worm?" Then I remembered, the worm doesn't die, it wriggles and taunts. The fish does the killing. That's the whole point. I was exonerated. "Well, actually Charz, the worm is alive, the fish does the killing. The worm needs to entice it.” Look at me. I took this awkward, uncomfortable moment and turned it into a lesson. This is how you grow, as a parent, and as a man. As I glowed with pride, Charlie looked at me, blinked a couple of times and said, "so you're just torturing it?"

While I was playing Mengele, completely mangling this poor worm, Tom had already caught two fish, Charlie immediately running over and reminding him that this was catch and release, needing visual evidence that they were thrown back. Eventually it was time for Charlie to get his fish. The plan was for Tom to actually catch it on the hook and quickly pass the rod to Charlie. I had to hold onto Charlie so the quarter pound fish didn't pull my twig of a son into the "crick." Tom felt a bite, gave me the signal and it was like clockwork. Charlie grabbed the rod, pulling and fighting the fish. I helped him reel it in and there it was, flopping around. Everyone celebrated Charlie's first fish. But within 30 seconds, Charlie realized something. "Grandpa, now I want to catch my own fish." The boy is no dummy. He knew what we did and this was not him catching a fish. We threw the imposter first fish into the shallow water and headed for the back-up plan, the stocked pond.

As they moved our operation to the pond, I hopped on my conference call. So here I am in a clearing in the woods of Montana, always on the look out for bears while also trying to capture Charlie's ultimate moment, yet I need to discuss the end messaging for our commercial for Fruit2day, a unique fruit juice experience; real fruit juice blended with real fruit bits, that's right bits, don't say chunks, because that would be gross.

Paul created a funnel from the creek to a pond, basically the bottom pool of the water park, where the kids pop up, slightly discombobulated, before they say they want to do it again. But there was no way out of this water park. The fish just accumulated there. Easy pickings. I finished up the call and raced down to the pond. We threw our lines out and the biting began immediately, everyone was pulling up fish, and then Charlie got a bite of his own. Tom helped Charlie stabilize and they reeled it in slowly, the fish fighting, Charlie battling (okay he was just holding the rod but he felt the fish) and then they pulled it in. He was thrilled, but not so thrilled that he forgot the golden rule. So after two minutes of glory, we threw our prize back in the pond, to live another day and tell his side of the story.

Having accomplished our goal it was time to head back to Paul's house and have some celebratory ice cream. We walked up the slight hill, the boys chasing frogs as Paul began boasting about an elk he just had stuffed (taxidermied?). He had to show Tom, and Tom was excited to see it, as if they were ten and Paul told him he just got a Mickey Mantle rookie card. So we got to the house and entered through the basement, which was filled to the gills with stuff, man stuff; oily rags, fishing reels detached from their rods like dug up skulls, hunting magazines and half finished projects everywhere. It was similar to the lair of Jaime Gumb, the killer in The Silence of the Lambs, only with better light and a more stable, civilized, less pre-op transexual, psycho killer vibe. My penis would look around, take a deep breath and say to me "now this is what I'm talking about. Get your notebook out young lady because you're going to school." They could do an entire Final Destination chapter in this room. Final Destination 9: Paul's Basement. Or if they decided to do an Off-Broadway version this would be the set. It would be tough to find a square inch of that room that wasn't wrought with danger of one shape or another. A wrench hanging off the edge of a counter, a knife left on a coffee table like it was a forgotten piece of toast, canisters of poisons, powders, cleaning fluids...just a death trap. So this prompted a reaction of protection for my son. The first step was corralling, basically keeping at least one hand on my child at all times. That could mean holding his hand, to an arm around his shoulder or, in this case, the two-shoulder-I'm-driving-and-you're-on-autopilot-mode.

As I controlled Charlie through the maze of death, the kids got their ice cream and we sat at the counter, thumbing through Fishgutting Illustrated, when Paul invited Tom upstairs to look at the elk head. As they headed up, Paul remembered something, stopped on the third stair and casually turned to me as if he were going to say something like, "Oh Jon, the paper towels are under the sink" or “help yourself to the lemonade in the fridge". But he didn't say those things. What Paul said, in a throwaway manner, was "Oh Jon, keep the kids away from the guns...they're all loaded." I watched as they continued up the stairs and squeaked out an even more lackluster "Ok." I now had a much bigger problem than the bears. Death was not only present but it was now in the same room, and potentially in many places of the room. Instantly my mind Googled and downloaded the thousands of stories I had heard about kids shooting themselves, their siblings, their friends, their parents and their cousins with guns found lying around the house. Paul had no idea who he was dealing with. Maybe he thought I was the type of man who can grab a gun, disassemble it, reassemble it blindfolded, click the barrel open and dump the ammo out in seconds flat. These are the men he's used to and that's the norm to him. But not this guy. It would be like me saying to Paul if he wanted to get from my house to Madison Square Garden - "Oh, just take the F to the A or C. No problem." Maybe Tom should've given Paul a little shake of the head or a whisper, ”He's not really a man”. But alas there was no help coming. This was the test. It was me against Montana. So I had to break down what he said, "they're all loaded." All as in more than one but as many as....a hundred and fifty seven? Couldn't he have said "they're both loaded" and at least looked in the direction of the three-foot pile of newspapers or the chainsaw leaning against the rocking chair? Just some numerical or geographical clue. My eyes scanned the room, and I could hear the Steve Austin vision SFX kick in di-di-di-di-di-di, but I couldn't find one, much less all, of the loaded guns. So after my five-second moment of scouting, I did what any man would do when confronted with a life or death situation, I avoided it head on. "Boys, let's eat our ice cream outside” (so we don't drip on all of Paul's loaded guns). I escorted them outside, still looking back into the room, as if the loaded guns were sneaking up on us, plopped the boys down in some chairs and got back to scouting for bears.

Looking out onto the vast, wide open, death ridden space I felt good, comfortable, confident, almost at home. Charlie caught a fish, I sold through a tagline ("a new way to eat fruit") and avoided a horrific front page news story ("penis-less New Yorker watches as five-year-old son shoots seven-year-old cousin with one of all of Paul's loaded guns"). I imagined something coming over the hill. It probably was nothing but in my mind it was my dick returning to me, balls in tow, preparing for a tearjerker of an ending. Loving me for who I am, as a father and as a man. This was not a horror movie anymore. This was a romance. And if it were a bear charging over that hill it should do the running because I was ready to fight like hell.

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