#I just can’t deal with myself

[quins-makeshift-menagerie]

mmmmmMMMMMMM

#sigh #I wanted this break to be nice and relaxing #just allow myself to recharge maybe do some silly personal doodles #but we finally got the quote from the mechanic and it’s #it’s bad but it’s either get this repair or get an all new car we can’t afford #this whole month has been a terrible downward spiral and I’m #trying so hard #I’m not well #things aren’t letting up #I have no motivation to do anything enjoyable #nothing feels enjoyable #I just #I want to sleep forever #I don’t want to deal with this anymore #I still can’t seem to get a job #Q’s job is mentally destroying him because of the things he’s now being exposed to #but he’s been trying to get a new job since mid April #I #no longer feel any hope that things will get better #Christmas? #I feel no Christmas joy #I feel no joy #I picked a shit time to get off my meds but #I don’t know I’m tired of taking pills #there’s nothing wrong with needing them I get that but I just #I didn’t want that anymore #sorry I just needed to yell into the void before I lose my fucking mind #I’m fine things will be fine they’re always fine in the end they have to be

[stuckinapril]

I’ve always loved medicine bc it’s the perfect intersection of science and humanity—the two things I value above all else in this world. Truly adored it since I was in the cradle. But now I’m thinking about how so much of my journey to neurosurgery will have to involve KILLING my feelings essentially bc how do you survive otherwise

#Not to mention the surprisingly high suicide rate of surgeons that’s been brought to my attention lately #Honestly I just started my neuro internship and just saw my first patient in clinic #And on the day I did I was critical of my neurologist for being so robotic about it #Now I can see why #I’m still at a point where I can’t even do a chart review for a patient without feeling so fucking sad #And I can see how that can get unsustainable after a while #But it’s like if I kill the feelings that drive my passion for medicine to begin with then what’s the point #It’s not like I’m in it for the money or prestige bc that’s so dumb considering how long the schooling is #But literally how to deal #My supervisors at the clinic very much all speak about the dementia patients w a learned impartialness #But I don’t wanna be that way one day :( but how to be anything else and still survive #I’m pre med so I still have time and maybe my opinion will change and I’ll wanna do another specialty #But when it comes to this every specialty will involve human lives and navigating that regardless #That said I can see why surgeons are at higher risk or depression suicide etc #The whole point of this internship is to teach myself how to navigate this stuff but. Hate it #p #med tag

[soullessjack]

new level of hatred unlocked for when jacks only fanon characterization is to say “dean and cas are gay and my gay dads and Sam is just the uncle guy because Dean and Cas are gay” and not have any personality outside of shipping his own fathers and being a gay little baby with gay dads and remember Sam isn’t his dad he’s the uncle guy because dean and Cas can’t be gay if there’s three dads

#literally can you people stop being this way about jack it is actually dealing damage to me #spn #supernatural #jack kline #spn fandom #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #deancas #sam winchester #tfw2.0 #spn critical #fandom critical #I’m not anti destiel I’m not anti destiel i repeat as reassurance but you can vaguely understand that I’m reassuring myself and not you #bonus points for sam erasure because we just can’t stop there can we #hate this place #can you people let jack be an actual fucking character for once jesus fucking lord

[mcybree]

considering my brand is bitching about FH all day, sometimes I feel bad at convincing myself wcsmp didn’t end well for scott and milo. Like damn girl leave him with SOMETHING…

#In my defense exactly 0 people were seriously expecting the good ending #i saw people jokingly predict milo wouldn’t give a fuck about the murders or the selling his soul for immortality or the #But then again you need to be able to look past the horrors to date scott i think. the concerning level of attachment was part of the deal #I just. Ohhh I cant look past what he was willing to do for milo. I can’t look past the amount of self destruction #Glad it ended well for him but the canon ending is like. some better alternate reality fantasy for me #Which is crazy because IT IS THE CANON ENDING ITS LITERALLY REAL #but i still catch myself thinking man… I wish everything worked out for him and milo :/ #AS IF IT DIDNT???? #HES LITERALLY HAPPY AND IN LOVE???? #I just cant believe it like there’s no way #What happens when milo dies again. Scott is still a litch with like eight spare souls its very unlikely he dies first #What happens then? Eight consecutive suicides? #Like girl please go to therapy before that happens. Im afraid of what you’ll do to the world or yourself or both #*he* might not have magic anymore but he’d figure out something for sure #bree barks so fucking loud

[willowfey]

starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal

#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept #i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them #if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens #i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it #i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut #it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair #my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking #if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back #if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off #ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal #but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends #i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens #and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too #since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out #i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now #now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that #i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly. #if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill #in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it #my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes #sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know??? #but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested #i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore #i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world

[thebirdmanhewatches]

Going feral about hinndredd and hinndredd Louie really all the hinndredd characters and versions of characters it’s where a lot of the older ideas regarding when hinndredd was on earth went along with the door lore, the Hamilton rip-off, the older version of current earth patchwork back when he was just a original patchwork reboot and not his own thing inspired mildly by bojack horseman, the older nightmare fuel reboot and associated lore, thauriel, Magnus tilby, more distilled and combined forms of characters that are sometimes somewhat demigod esc, the tower with myself at the top of it, azazel/cult on his endless quest to dig a pit, the scp characters, Magnus tilby, stuff regarding the origins of bauddalins, both types of joy(which ended up basically zombies without me noticing), every dropped plot thread that has ever existed, Magnus tilby

#hark says i #100%birdmade #ocs #<*| hinndredd #<*| bauddalins #oc lore #my oc lore is so self referential and tangled no one but me can decipher it #when you get two separate reboots of the exact same guy deep you know you’ve gone to far #when every remotely separate evolution of Louie Howard has been made into their own characters you’re in too deep #fuck I’m actually three patchwork reboots deep if I’m putting the first fully fledged form of the first proper patchwork reboot in hinndredd #hinndredd doesn’t count hinndredd doesn’t count #see having new ideas is hard so when I get bored I go back to old ideas but do them different this time #hence the fucking joshes(technically louies but Louie would be so pissed if anyone else had his name and I respect him) #I offer him a seat as a god of this world Ives made but he has no free will so he cannot take it I keep the option open for him though #oh shit there is another Louie Louie from back when they went to space but as previously stated Louie cannot think for himself so he cannot #actually be pissed at me #I could just not have louie from back when they went to space but a lot of hinndredd stuff is from just after his era and he and all the cha #racters surrounding him are so unique from their later counterparts I can’t help but include them #old Nora and Eira where fucking wild #plus like I want space travel and no one else does that except from Bob who’s lore is exclusively a David bowie animatic and becomes the god #of natural death after getting scooped by birds #aka god aka myself #so many bobs too I just don’t make a big deal out of it because they’re all from mostly irrelevant lore and I don’t like them

[pixiefms]

and maybe i’m stupid but do mafuyama not have the same unresolved issues in the TEN YEAR timeskip as they did in like original timeline

#still dealing with the same stuff they deal with at 17-18 #and not to say you can’t have similar issues or whatever but it just like what #idk #i might just close my eyes and distance myself #pixietxt

[davidjrpalos]

why has the topic of the month been my transness or whatever. I have been thinking about my place here a lot lately, how that effects my relationships etc and I’ve been coming to good conclusions but then my family lately feels like they need to give me their opinion how I should conduct myself and feel about certain things instead of just listening to me when I decide to talk about it. and it’s not even a cis people problem particularly bc my best friend is the only person in my life that really understands where I come from. I just wish I had more of that I guess, especially nearby. I made my room a peaceful place for myself but I don’t feel seen and like a part of my family when it comes to things like this. and being told over and over in conversation “I will never understand what you’re going through” really is not a comforting statement to hear even though it was intended that way.

#I just feel more outcasted #and I know my solution isn’t get into the queer scene or whatever I’m not really social like that #I’ve just been missing this one thing I guess I just want to feel seen as a person and not as my circumstances/placement in the world #my identity isn’t a big deal to me and it just feels like im always being told how to feel about it and to always think about it #feel like I always just get boxed into that one label when to me it’s the simplest thing about me #I don’t want to be characterized by the moment I have to stick up for myself. there’s more important things about me than the problems #people give me for a thing I can’t control #text

[housewifebuck]

Who up and wanna take me out back and shoot me rn

#anybody else having like the worst fucking night of all time or just me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m at the end of my rope !!! #I can’t take this shit anymore!!! (continues to take it) #first I go to help someone give her cat it’s FIP treatment and got bit like 14 times and then I went to the ER #and then it was super crowded and I felt like I was overreacting so I left #even tho I know I wasn’t lol I have enough experience with this shit to know this is bad #and then coming home I almost got in a fucking head on collision #and then got a message about a dead cat someone had hit and left on the side of the road #so I had to go get it and take it 20 minutes away to the emergency vet to be cremated #and the cat had clearly been recently pregnant which means there are kittens somewhere dying without her #so I’m gonna have to go back tomorrow and try to find them if they’re still alive #which means I’m gonna have to deal with the homeowners #fuck!!!!!!! #and that’s IF I’m not back in the ER in the morning if these bites get infected #like her teeth hit the bone in my finger lol #I might um. kill myself. idk #personal

[hella1975]

basically threw away £20 on my nails today so was already getting weird bc i apparently cannot be normal about money and then my paycheck came through just for my manager to have knocked off 11 hours worth of pay. so naturally i am crying in a dark room about it

#this is such a girl moment wdym you’re crying about your fucking nails. couldn’t explain it to you if i tried #im just an utter FREAK about money and then for my payslip to get fucked as well. whyyyyy would you do that #im not built for the working world truly idk how sensitive people do it bc i am NOT im tough as shit 99% of the time and i STILL can’t deal #just give me my fucking money it’s not fair 😭😭😭 i worked hard 😭😭😭 #and the dumbest brattiest part of this is that the thing that tipped me over the edge is that my mum didn’t offer to pay for my nails #like how ridiculous and spoiled is that but still i was so so angry at myself about fucking them up and it’s £25 to get them done tomorrow #and I’ve worked so hard for her this summer and both days I’ve been in town I’ve got her things #like nothing spenny but I’ve just thought of her and got her things I know she’d like just to be nice #and £25 is NOTHING TO HER AND SHE DIDNT EVEN OFFER 😭😭 she even joked it off #she was like ‘your dad would offer to pay if he was here but I believe in lessons’ GIRL FUCK YOUR LESSONS I WANT MY NAILS DONE 😭😭😭 #why am i actually in tears over this. this is so silly. now all my money is fucked and im going to be the skint one when we go to dublin #AS USUAL. even though i worked hard and clocked the hours it still got fucked bc im fucking. cursed #im aware im being dramatic and this isn’t even about the amount of money i have atm i promise this isn’t some desperate bankruptcy claim #like for once im actually fine money wise it’s just all been FUCKED and my dates are now FUCKED bc i have to wait for next paycheck now #and it’s so unfair bc usually things go wrong for me bc im DUMB and mess it up LIKE MY NAIL APPOINTMENT #but for work and dublin i literally planned it perfectly and did the hours and it still didn’t work #like what is WRONG with me. i hate being an adult i need a sugar daddy ive had enough #the message I sent my manager…. scathing…. ik his scared of confrontation ass is panicking. give me my fucking MONEY #hella goes home

[lazyheartcomputer]

For those who are still confused by what happened last week, talk. And for those who still hate studio bridge for a damn reason… DEAL WITH IT!

#yugioh go rush #imma defend myself after this whole theory drama #y’all can’t understand how much go rush impacted my whole entire existence! #yes girl boss is gonna become otes but i felt betrayed and hurt #just deal with it for once in your motherfucking lives #and especially goes to the manga that had some you know what service because thats what im here for! #because if you don't deal with it and when season 3 drops im sorry #you will be perminatly blocked and kicked out from the house of memes #no second chances #i mean it #self rant

[sapphicsnzs]

im so grateful for this corner of the internet where i can just get my frustrations out

#self obs #i will delete this later but i just need to get it out #i told my two best friends about how i got rejected and they both were just like move on lol #like i don’t think they realize how awful i feel right now like literally that was my dream and im scared im never gonna be able to do it #i also somehow have to tell my parents and that’s a whole different problem #my parents are already up my ass about me quitinh my job for no reason #well basically i think they’re trying to get me to move home for the summer which doesn’t make sense to quit my job i’ve been working at #for almost a year to come back and get a job for a month #but like i can’t think of another reason that my parents would randomly want me to quit my job #so i’m stressed about that and now i also have to tell them i got rejected and now i can’t start the part of my degree that i need for my #fucking job and fuck i’m so stressed and don’t know what to do #and im just like so embarrassed and everyone is acting like its not a big deal even tho like if i apply again i probably won’t even get it #because i didn’t even make it past the interview phase and anyways im just so upset with myself and everything #i like actually thought my life was turning around and i was gonna be happy finally but nope #anyways this is just me sobbing and trying to let out my frustrations because no one will actually listen or validate that i’m upset #whatever im gonna go drink some wine and probably pass out on the floor of my room

[babyfairy]

maybe it’s mean but i’d like “text/call me if you need anything!” to stop being the main/only form of “support” i receive from like. 98% of the people in my life

#text or call me if you need anything except most of them won’t answer right away and i can’t even find the energy most days to shower or #feed myself. let alone reach out for support #it just feels like i receive the bare minimum from almost everyone idk. like just enough so that people can say they tried to be there #but not enough to actually have to deal with me or put in more effort than desired #i just don’t believe people when they say they care anymore when only like 2 or 3 people consistently show it #and that’s including literal family members and like. professionals whose job it is to help me LOL

[sea-jello]

errm uhh augh how have you guys been long time no see. annotated young morro design be upon ye

without the bg cause you can see the sequins better with the bg but you can also see the words better without the bg

#after prophecy to leaving he would either obsess over being clean even in the middle of training #cause it’s ‘unfitting for the green ninja to look anything other than perfect’ or whatever #and being dirty shows he wasn’t good enough cause someone got a hit on him or something #or he would just either forget or not care about basic needs like showering and sleeping cause he’s too obsessed with the prophecy #cant really decide #after leaving/ghost morro will be out. maybe soon #morro tag is DEAD by the way is anyone still here #i’m one to talk i havent posted anything either #it’s cause i’m back in my 2020 purpled bedwars era #he was my fav long before las nevadas 🤞🤞 #and las nevadas purpled is INTERESTING genuinely #i was never one for lore streams but now that i learned how to have patience and how to kill cringe i’ve been watching his #i dont actually really know what the deal is with las nevadas i’m just watching purpleds bits #i’m halfway through but i know what happened but also don’t tell me anything #if anyone here even knows what i’m talking about #i can’t really call myself a dsmp kid cause i started watching before all the stuff started i think even before wilbur joined #and didn’t really watch the lmanberg streams just sorta generally knew what was happening #then completely dropped watching it when they started politics #i watched the content creators INDIVIDUALLY but not the dsmp lore itself #there’s too much it’s too much of a hassle #if anyone calls me cringe you literally cannot talk this is a season 5 lego ninjago character #and also it was covid it’s like a rite of passage to be into mcyt during covid #i know there’s a pipeline from mcyt to kids shows. i know there’s one out there #there’s definitely one from mcyt to musicals what with hamilton and all #ninjago #lego ninjago #morro ninjago #ninjago morro #morro wu #jellos scribbles

[yellobb]

Ended up calling 988 last night. Talked with them for half an hour and it kind of helped, but only temporarily.

I’m still kicking, but barely. I know I need to take my medication but I don’t care enough to. It’s just not worth the effort, even though it’s within arms reach.

I missed a meeting with my manager at work. Today is one of the few days I need to be in person and I’m not there because I just…. Can’t make myself move.

I want to call someone and just have them talk to me because I don’t think I can speak. I want someone to force me to take my meds and go sit outside for a moment so that I can get the fresh air and stop rotting in my bed. Maybe that would be enough to force me to get dressed and go to work. Maybe it would heal me, just a little bit.

But I don’t have anyone I can call. My sister is in class. My mom is at work and I know she’d start watching me more closely again. My grandma has already probably noticed that my location hasn’t changed, but it would just be easier to lie to her and say I worked from home today than deal with the lecture. I haven’t actually talked to any of my friends, irl or online, in ages, either. Not in the way friends should, because I’m too self-absorbed to check in with the people I love.

I’m sorry y’all have to keep seeing me post about my bullshit. I know it’s selfish, especially when I haven’t reached out to anyone one-on-one in so long. I haven’t even made anything since inktober ended, so I can’t even offer something vaguely worthwhile.

I know people care, logically. But emotionally it feels like no one does. And I’d deserve it if no one did. I’ve been a leech for years. Even before the depression, I was too busy to be a good friend. I’ve been selfish for years. I think the only time I was worth something was back when I was in early elementary school. At least back then I was happy and energetic and earnest and kind.

I don’t know where that version of Macey went. I wish y’all had gotten to meet her, because she’s the version of me y’all actually deserve. Not this absolute wreck I’ve become.

#m rambles #tw suicidal thoughts #long post #my therapy appointment is next week #I just need to make it that long #but I don’t know if it’s worth it #I have so much to live for #but I don’t feel like I deserve it #I want to live to cuddle with my pets at home #I want to see good omens season 3 #I want to go to the beach with my family and soak up the sun #I want to float in a pool and just feel the water against my skin #I want to see my sister grow up and get married and become the amazing woman I know she’ll be #but I don’t want any of it bad enough #and I know that my family would be devastated if I were to go #but I can’t make myself understand that emotionally #and lately it’s felt like it would be better that they have to go through that pain #than have to continue dealing with me #I don’t know #maybe if I write about Simon or Crowley having these same thoughts I’ll get the response I need #all I’m good for is making shitty fanfic and fanart anyway

[gregmarriage]

art therapy, but it’s me writing my shitty little fics

#i say this as i vaguely have writers block imao #idk i think i just need to focus my manic energy onto something #and it may as well be something productive i guess #i had a idea for a new fic the other day actually #and i did a little work on it #just cause i was bored #so maybe i should continue that trend #or at least try to #i have hours to kill with manic energy and i need to do something about it #i need a distraction for when it’s late/my friends aren’t around #bc my friends can’t sit with me 24/7 so i gotta deal with this myself! #like a grown up!! #which ewwww #but eh has to be done 🤷🏻‍♀️ #gwen rambles #gwenposting