#I just need to take a propranolol and go to bed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

scientia-rex · 6 months

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Do you have thoughts about dealing with your ADHD without medication? I'm in Europe where the laws are different and its haaaaard to access meds. (Immigration is very bad for consistent health care)

Yeah, I mean, caffeine. Caffeine in the mornings and propranolol if I overdo it or have too much caffeine after 1pm. Caffeine has a variable half-life depending on your genetics, so for some people they can have caffeine within about 4-5 hours of trying to sleep and for me if I have it within 9 hours of when I want to sleep I'm a little fucked. (5-9 hours is a relatively typical range for half-life.) Caffeine has active metabolites, which means that as your body processes it to break it down it creates different molecules which are still stimulants, so it's not as simple as "caffeine in, break it down, inert molecule out." You also need to be aware that your brain WILL develop tolerance, so taking drug holidays where you have a chaotic, disorganized day will help when you go back to work.

Another alternative is Strattera, generic name atomoxetine, which gets marketed as a "non-stimulant" ADHD medication. In my opinion it does still have stimulant qualities and the classification has more to do with legal status than medical reality. However, it does have a tendency to cause nausea, so I usually start people low (10mg) and ramp up to 80-100mg, which is target range for efficacy for most people. It doesn't seem as effective as the stimulants but it also doesn't have the legal implications of the stimulants.

Wellbutrin, generic name bupropion, is an antidepressant, but it's not the same as SSRIs or SNRIs--it has its own combination of effects on neurotransmitters that makes it a cousin rather than a sibling drug. It can be used (off-label) for ADHD.

In terms of other things I do to help myself cope, setting and maintaining a sleep schedule is critical. I definitely always feel like I'm being asked to wake up at the equivalent of 3am for other people. This means I need to make sure I go to bed and get up at consistent times, including days off. Bed needs to be for sleeping and intimacy and not for being activated--not for reading, not for hanging out. "Sleep hygiene" is about training your brain that when you go to bed, you go to sleep. The bedroom needs to be quiet, cool, and dark. You can Google sleep hygiene for more information on that.

Learning how to learn was critical for surviving med school. I didn't struggle that much with the material even in grad school, though I was more miserable overall in grad school. The sheer volume meant I couldn't just read everything once and figure enough would stick; I had to read, listen, watch, and eventually I figured out that I really needed to draw pictures and make myself flash cards if I wanted to actually force my brain to retain anything. Making sure I was physically comfortable, including that I was fed, hydrated, and didn't have to pee, was also part of the process. Getting there involved lots of tears and failing multiple tests.

Cleaning can't be an all or nothing proposition or nothing ever gets cleaned. When I start cleaning, I just grab whatever I'm walking by that catches my attention. Fuck doing whole tasks at a time consistently. Move those three bowls to the sink, in the kitchen realize I need to take out the recycling, take out the recycling and realize on the way back in that I have a load of laundry to start, start the laundry and realize I need to pee, while I'm in the bathroom realize I need to clean the counter, clean the counter and realize I need to take out the bathroom trash, take out the bathroom trash and realize I still didn't pee, continue until I'm too tired and then sit down and have a snack and a nap. My house is still a black hole but it's infinitely better than my apartments when I was younger.

Accepting that you can't do things the neurotypical way is a big part of it. Giving up on how things "should" be and recognizing what you can do and how you can do it is critical. I will never stop crashing into things so I've bought rounded furniture that hurts less when I crash into it. I'm slowly designing a life and a home where I'm playing to my strengths, and although it's a work in process, I'm slowly becoming happier.

#the attending dr. kristophine

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alishawhittam · 7 months

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ME/CFS Myalgic Encephalomyelitis Symptoms

Over the past few weeks I have had a difficult time with my illness here is my real-life description of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis symptoms. The pain takes over the whole of my body every single muscle feels like it is screaming in pain with me, and every part feels like it is working against me. Laying on my left side always seems to be the least painful, I must stress that again it is the least painful but every single part of my body still hurts. A medical professional always asks you to give them a score from 1 -10, 1 being the least pain and 10 being the worst pain you have ever experienced, laying on my side brings the pain to a 7.

When I get like this every function hurts, I can't talk noise hurts me physically, and light causes immense pain so my life is spent in a dark room with no sound. The ability to even think seems mismatched, and I cannot think straight. It sounds awful to say but I know how much pain it will take to go the bathroom so I will hold in going for a number 1 for the longest time, this itself will cause additional problems as your body doesn't function well if you hold your urine for such a long time. I can't eat at times like this as the pain leaves me with no appetite but even if I do feel hungry lifting a fork or my arms going up to my mouth is too much pain so I have to rest in between bites as your jaw aches or bringing your food to your mouth becomes too much, it's like a disconnect from your brain to your arm you want your body to do the action but it doesn't happen your arm feels like it gets heavier.

Not eating or drinking leaves your mouth dry which is never a nice feeling or a pleasant taste so I try to position my drinking bottle so I can keep my straw in my mouth leaving me to take in water when I feel able to. I learnt very early on that I needed to use a bottle or cup with a lid as I would spill drink over me or drop cups to the floor. Unfortunately, I do still drop things a lot and the laminate flooring at the side of my bed looks awful.

Medication

I have to take medication every day to help manage my pain. In the mornings I take 40mg of Zomorph this is a slow-release capsule and I take this twice a day 12 hours apart. On top of Zomorph I take Gabapentin, Mefenamic Acid and Propranolol, the Gabapentin helps manage the pain and the propranolol helps me manage my anxiety. At lunchtime, I take Gabapentin, Mefenamic Acid and Propranolol again. On top of my pain medication, I take Omeprazole as I suffer from severe acid reflux. Evenings I take Zomorph 40 mg Mefenamic Acid, Gabapentin, and Propranolol again but we add Amitryipline, Duloxetine and Hydroxyzine. These tablets help me get to sleep and in most cases stay asleep as I can get very itchy with extremely severe hip and pelvic pain, being itchy and not having the ability to itch is torture within itself but when I am really bad I just do not have enough energy to scratch, I do have an extremely large scratching tool which is useful at times but a lot of the time I use controlled breathing and the power of my mind, sounds silly but it helps. I must stress that this does not take the itch away but focusing my mind to stop me scratching the itch can work for me. I also have Oramorph for breakthrough pain.

One thing I learnt early with this illness is to try to do the minimum on regular tasks so I can conserve energy for things I enjoy doing, this could be watching tv with Graham when he gets home from work or giving Alfie a butt scratch which makes his little tail wag with happiness. One of the first things I bought was walking sticks when I was first diagnosed I found walking extremely tiring so using a stick helped me maintain a little energy as the sticks helped keep me upright. As this later led to using crutches and then buying a wheelchair I was still able to spend time with my family. I felt self-conscious and worried about other people's options in the beginning, learn from my mistake please don't ever be afraid of investing in something that will make a difference in your life if it helps you then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Technology

Using crutches or a wheelchair within my home meant I needed to make changes in doing the simplest things like putting on the lights as using crutches within your home needs light to see where you are going as a crutch slipping on something wet could mean a fall which is the last thing you want. So I invested in Philips Hue lights within our hall lamp downstairs and on the lamp in the hall outside our bedroom as well as our bedside lights. So with the help of Siri on my phone or Alexa throughout the house, I can now turn on our lights using my voice. I can also set the lights to come on at a certain time or sunset, this helps with security too as this is something that worries me a lot. Our central heating and water control was in the kitchen when I got ill so if I was home alone I would have to go downstairs to put on hot water for a shower or to turn on our heating. So we had the Nest system fitted so now I can control the heating or water on my phone or use Alexa or Siri voice control. Upgrading technology at home made a huge difference to me mentally as it has helped me stay independent even if it is just to turn a light on myself. It may not seem a lot to many but repetitive actions like putting on a light or turning it off when you leave a room means stretching from my chair or having to balance one crutch if I am using my crutches using technology means that I can conserve that energy to do something that makes me feel a little more like me even if it is to watch a rerun of "not going out" with my Hubby.

Essentials

For safety, my occupational therapist insisted on having a second bannister installed onour stairs. This was referred by The ME Team at Broadgreen Hospital, the therapist spent a long time with me going over the things I do and how I could stay safe while conserving energy and depending on my home they may refer other things. I admit that I pushed back on a lot of things as it made me realise how ill I am and that was difficult to deal with in the beginning. From my bed I wanted to be able to be sat up straight or propped up to watch TV or read a book so they arranged to have an adjustable back rest to be delivered to me. I also had a mattress sent to me which helps relieve pressure points this gave the additional benefit of not having to push up from a sitting position ( I hope that is understandable, it means that when I put my feet on the floor they are in a natural position as I am not too far down as the bed is the right height now ). As my bed frame is metal I use them for support when I need to go to my bathroom within the bathroom they arranged to have a toilet support so I did not have to rely on the sink for support when I stood up from the toilet. The next thing they arranged was to have a stool for the shower, I can not recommend this enough, even if you do not think you need it and you get tired as the day goes on having that place to sit while I get clean makes a huge difference.

Spoons

If you haven't already read the spoon theory here is a link https://www.youtube.com/c/christinemiserandino. Christine was able to put into words what so many of us tried to say. While you may not think that you need a lot of things or adjustments to live life with ME or any other illness that makes you exhausted please speak to your GP or your ME Dr in some cases you can even refer yourself to your local council. If having a shower takes 4 ( just an example ) spoons, having a shower sitting down on a shower stool might only take 2 spoons or not having to go downstairs to put the heating on would save you that spoon, not putting lights on when you go into a room or when you leave the room would again save you those spoons. All of this would save you energy throughout the day allowing you to do something you want to do, this alone could make a huge difference to your mental health. Living with any illness is hard when I first got ill I went through some extremely dark days as this illness was taking everything from me and the worse I got the more it took. I went from a Mum who was working full time, going to the gym, and being able to spend time with my family. At the weekend we had amazing friends and a fantastic social life having that all taken away, I even needed help to go to the bathroom as I couldn't do anything for myself. The more I pushed against it the worse I got I would be alone all day in a dark room in immense pain all day every day, I missed out on so much and I didn't want to live like that.

Topping up the Dopamine and serotonin tanks

Now I survive and I do everything I can to help save even half a spoon to do something on my terms which means that I can FaceTime Becks ( sometimes I don't even talk I just listen to her ) even if it is a cuddle with Alfie but being able to do that after a bad day or week makes a huge difference to my mental health, I look at it like topping up the Dopamine and Serotonin tanks. This illness has no cure and you can try to fight it with everything you have but it will win, I know that from experience. So do all you can to accept this illness on your terms, invest in anything which will make a difference to the energy you use, ask for help from your GP and work with your local ME team. I have listed some of the items that I have purchased which make a difference to me if you need help please email me I am always available to help, I may not get back to you straight away but I will get back to you.

GlamSticks

Knowing that I needed crutches to get about I searched online unable to find something different to normal hospital crutches. I came across Glamsticks after seeing an Instagram post I think, thinking back I remember that a celebrity had used sparkly crutches at an award show and mentioned them in an interview. So I did a bit of research and found out more about the company. I emailed them to ask if they would just do all black for me and they really impressed me from the start. Since then, I have bought my crushes as well as a walking stick and 9 years later they still look amazing. The link is below if you have something in mind ask them as they are so accommodating.

I hope that this is helpful in some way. I have also done a video recently talking about the sorts of things I keep in my bags so they are ready to go or grab in an emergency , Click to see What's in my Bag

Click here to see the full post on my website

#myalgicencephalomyelitis #severeme #chronicfatiguesyndrome #mecfsawareness #cfs

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fractallogic · 3 years

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Hello moving and $$$ bullshit is, as usual, making me incredibly anxious (it’s still going to be fine even if we get ZERO! honeymoon tithings from rich relatives, but oh man is it going to be Rough Going before I get paid, HOPEFULLY with my first installment coming at the beginning of September instead of the end of September (but also probably at the end))

As I calculate it, I will have to drop close to $6K on security deposit and first two months of rent ALONE before I get paid regardless of which property I choose (and gets back to me)

Also moving (at least $4K, $3k of which is reimbursable, at least... but not until Sept 1) (note to self: keep receipts to deduct from taxes)

Also honeymoon (hello rich relatives pls pay for it thanks) (will they also pay for moving costs. Is that something I can put on my registry)

Also whatever other bullshit is happening moneywise, like fucking July’s rent and having to board Artemis for a month (and lol they ONLY TAKE CASH)

MEANWHILE I’m just fucking trying to exist and reassure the member of the household who has actually gotten a paycheck this month that everything is going to be fine AND ALSO reassure myself of that AND ALSO trying to remember other details that I’m forgetting, probably (like contacting the towncar rental place I requested a quote from, and getting the address of our Denver Airbnb from scone, and contacting the other houses that I applied for, among other things)

#I understand but not super appreciative that now is the time dad is encouraging me to pay my own way for things #dad this is like the one time that I CANT #my last paycheck was at the end of may and it was $800.#I am DYING #everything’s gonna be fine. it’s gonna be fine! it’s gonna be fine.#I just need to take a propranolol and go to bed #because I’m also sleep deprived and have a headache so everything feels a million times worse #I’m very sorry scone I am trying to think sexy thoughts but my entire being is on shutdown hibernate mode #and I know that you say it’s fine but I have Trauma about this and it’s ALSO making me anxious #aaaaaaanywaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy #just want to be smooth brain no thoughts #even during my ‘nap’ today I couldn’t sleep because I kept jerking myself awake #I kept dreaming that I was throwing tennis rackets over the fence at the courts in the park #need to get the boy in my bed. but. to cuddle and tell me everything is fine.#I’m trying not to do the Anxiety Shutdown but it is very hard #also wait a minute stepdad said that he and mom would help with honeymoon since they didn’t for the wedding #okay that might be better. I’ll feel better if that can show up in my bank account/registry.#also there may be fewer than 50 people at my wedding which tbh. not bad.#but ugh it’s partly because the mom of a family friend is in hospice and so obviously they no longer know if they can make it #I just want to BE AT the stressful party. make it stop causing me stress please and thank you.

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psychologyofsex · 3 years

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The True Story of How I Became a Sex Educator and Researcher

Our professional biographies tend to serve as a “highlight reel”—they only say the great things we’ve accomplished and don’t reveal the struggles, challenges, and uncertainties that went into building a career. To lift back the curtain on this, the Society for Personality and Social Psychology (SPSP) recently asked a number of scholars to submit their official bios along with their “unofficial bios” that reveal an extremely different version of the story with more twists and turns.

You can read some of the examples here. Although I didn’t participate in it, I thought it would be fun to do something similar on the blog. So here goes—I’ll start with my official bio, followed by the real, behind-the-scenes story.

Official Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Dr. Justin Lehmiller received his Ph.D. in Social Psychology from Purdue University. He is a Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Dr. Lehmiller is an award-winning educator, having been honored three times with the Certificate of Teaching Excellence from Harvard University, where he taught for several years. He is also a prolific researcher and scholar who has published more than 50 academic works to date, including a textbook titled The Psychology of Human Sexuality (now in its second edition) that is used in college classrooms around the world. Dr. Lehmiller's studies have appeared in all of the leading journals on human sexuality, including the Journal of Sex Research, Archives of Sexual Behavior, and The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Dr. Lehmiller has run the popular blog Sex and Psychology since 2011. It receives millions of page views per year and is rated among the top sex blogs on the internet. In 2019, he launched the Sex and Psychology Podcast. It ranks among the top sexuality podcasts in several countries and has been named one of “11 sex podcasts that will help you get better in bed” by Men’s Health.

Dr. Lehmiller has been interviewed by numerous media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Boston Globe, CNN, The Atlantic, The Globe and Mail, and The Sunday Times. He has been named one of 5 "Sexperts" You Need to Follow on Twitter by Men's Health and one of the "modern-day masters of sex" by Nerve. Dr. Lehmiller has appeared on the Netflix series Sex, Explained, he has been on several episodes of the television program Taboo on the National Geographic Channel, and he has been a guest on Dr. Phil. Dr. Lehmiller has also appeared on numerous podcasts and radio shows, including the Savage Lovecast, the BBC’s Up All Night, and several NPR programs (1A, Radio Times, and Airtalk).

He is a popular freelance writer, penning columns and op-eds for major publications, including The Washington Post, Playboy, USA Today, VICE, Psychology Today, Men’s Health, Politico, and New York Magazine. He has also interviewed several prominent authors, journalists, and psychologists about their work for his blog and podcast, including Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Lisa Ling, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and bestselling authors Christopher Ryan (Sex at Dawn) and Lisa Taddeo (Three Women).

Unofficial Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

When Justin’s parents asked him what he wanted to study in college, he said “psychology.” He had taken a couple of psychology courses in high school that he found to be absolutely fascinating; however, his parents discouraged him from this because getting into a PhD program was tough and uncertain and, if that didn’t work out, they didn’t see much potential in a Bachelor’s degree in psychology. They encouraged him to pursue a career in occupational therapy (OT) instead because a family friend said “they needed more men in the field,” and also because his parents saw it as a path to job security with a pretty good paycheck.

He applied to a 5-year combined Bachelor’s/Master’s program in OT at Gannon University and was admitted. Incidentally, he was one of two men in the entire program. He spent a year and a half in it and made straight As in every course, including biochemistry and physics—but he wasn’t happy. He recognized the importance of OT to society, but it wasn’t his passion. After showing his parents that he was taking college seriously and earning good grades, they allowed him to switch his major to psychology.

Upon completing his Bachelor’s degree, he only applied to Master’s programs in psychology because he didn’t think he had the chops to get into a PhD program right away. The inferiority complex was strong in this one, so he didn’t even try. He applied and was accepted to Villanova University’s Master’s program in experimental psychology. He was not competitive enough of a candidate to receive an assistantship initially, although he eventually received one after another student dropped out.

He really wanted to study social psychology at Villanova, but there was only one social psychologist on staff at the time and several interested students. The only option for him was to beg one of the clinical psychologists to let him do a social psychology study for his Master’s thesis.

As he began looking for PhD programs to apply to, he met Dr. Chris Agnew at a meeting of the American Psychological Association. Chris was studying romantic relationships and Justin thought that sounded like a fun thing to spend his life doing. Plus, Chris was a super cool guy who seemed like a fantastic mentor. He applied and was admitted to Purdue’s social psychology program, although he was initially waitlisted (and rejected from all but one other program). Justin’s plan was to get his doctorate and become a college professor. Teaching and research sounded like things he could probably do.

Justin was assigned to teach a Health Psychology course at Purdue during his first year. He had never taught a class before and quickly realized that he was very uncomfortable with public speaking. The class was a disaster. Attendance dropped 60-70% within the first couple of weeks. He had no idea what he was doing and dreaded going to class each day—and he received poor evaluations in the end.

Around the same time, Justin submitted his first academic paper to a journal, it was promptly rejected and came with this review: “This manuscript is fatally flawed and of marginal utility, which is a shame because potentially interesting questions could have been asked given the topic and timing of the research. The tone of this manuscript represents the worst in scientific misconstrual, particularly because the claims are silly, wrong, or not warranted by the data.” Justin clearly sucked at both teaching and research—and if he couldn’t do those things well, how would he ever become a college professor?

He also started hearing horror stories from advanced students in his program who couldn’t find jobs and were sticking around for 6 or 7 years in the hope of eventually landing a job—any job. All of this led Justin to question what the hell he was doing with his life. Maybe he should have listened to his parents after all? Chris encouraged Justin to stick with it, though, as did his friends and mentors.

The next year, Justin got assigned to be a teaching assistant for a human sexuality course taught by Dr. Janice Kelly. It changed his life. He had to lead weekly discussion sections with students and answer their sex questions (a subject he knew next to nothing about, having attended Catholic schools most of his life). He read about sex extensively and instantly knew he had found what he really wanted to do with his career. He saw it as something fun and interesting—but also a way that he could make a real difference. He realized how little most people actually know about sex, and how education can correct so many harmful myths and misconceptions.

An opportunity to teach his own human sexuality class opened up the following year, and he took it. This time around, teaching was different—he was passionate about the subject and the students were, too. He had no problems with attendance. He ended up teaching this course six times before he graduated and eventually received a teaching award for it. He found that he loved being a sex educator.

He also found a solution to his public speaking anxiety: he started taking a beta-blocker (propranolol) on public speaking days, which removed physiological symptoms of anxiety. This allowed him to feel like himself in front of a crowd and, after just a few months, he no longer needed to take the medication—the anxiety had gone away completely.

He started conducting his own sex research, too, including a series of studies with Dr. Kelly on friends with benefits. His research skills improved and his studies started getting accepted instead of rejected.

He eventually landed a job at Colorado State University as an assistant professor, where he stayed for three years and continued his work as a sex educator and researcher. His partner couldn’t get a job in the area and had just taken a job in Boston, so Justin applied for every academic job within two hours of Boston. He was turned down for all of them. As a last-ditch effort, he applied for a teaching position at Harvard but had absolutely no confidence in it. He almost didn’t submit the application, but his partner encouraged him to do so. Justin had applied to Harvard’s PhD program previously and was rejected—if they didn’t want him as a student, why the heck would they want him as a teacher?

To his great surprise, he got the job at Harvard, where he stayed for three years. However, he had given up his tenure-track job in Colorado for a teaching position in Boston with no job security. So he decided to reinvent himself just in case things didn’t work out. In his spare time, he started a blog, wrote a human sexuality textbook, and became a freelance media writer. Communicating about sex science to the public became his hobby and was going to be his backup career in case the college professor thing didn’t work out.

Eventually, Justin’s partner wanted to move to Indianapolis for a job opportunity, so they left Boston. But Justin didn’t have a job at first and his backup plan wasn’t yet enough to be a full-time job. He knew the Kinsey Institute was nearby, so he drafted a letter to the director in the hope of establishing a connection, but he never sent it. He had a severe case of imposter syndrome and did not feel accomplished or experienced enough to have anything to do with what he saw as the premier hub for sex research in the world.

Much to his surprise, the associate director of the Institute reached out to him after he moved to Indiana to explore opportunities for working together. It was actually his hobby/backup plan that caught their eye—they were interested in working together to disseminate sex science to the public and were impressed with what he had done with his blog and social media.

Justin affiliated with Kinsey, but also jumped back on the tenure track with a job as the Director of the Social Psychology Program at Ball State University, which fortuitously opened up about 4 months after he moved to Indianapolis. After 3.5 years, he decided to leave full-time academics and do his own thing. His science communication hobby had managed to grow into a full-time job and it was no longer feasible to do that and academics. Plus, he found that the science communication work was really where his passion was. So, the backup plan officially became “the plan.”

Justin now spends every day finding new ways to help educate and inform the public about the science of sex. He’s still not sure how things ended up this way, but wouldn’t trade his current job for anything.

Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click here for more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and Psychology on Facebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTube and Instagram.

Image Source: 123RF

You Might Also Like:

How Do You Become a Sex Researcher?

So You Want To Be A Science Blogger? Here’s What You Need To Know

Sex Question Friday: What Is A Sexologist And How Do I Become One?

#sex education #sex research

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spitandfroth · 3 years

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Another Change

Morning,

Struggling to stay asleep while my partner is here. His snoring wakes me up all the time :( He can’t help it so i cant blame him and i feel guilty for constantly shoving him as he needs the rest more than me.

Now what’s been going on?

PIP & Money Worries

My pip reconsideration is ready to send in. It is comprehensive put it that way. I just hope i get my pip back as i am struggling on the money i am on. I can’t afford shopping even! I am relying on my family to buy me shopping and i keep having things break on me. I’ve had my mouse and keyboard break in the last 2 weeks plus i have run out of things like my clean & clear cleanser but i can’t justify the £3 for the bottle. It is utter shit not being able to even afford to replace my veg peeler! it’s £6 to replace it ffs but i am already overdrawn and my next payment is immediately used to pay bills with nothing left over.

If for some reason you want to help me pay bills and buy some basics to make my life better then please paypal me at [email protected] i am grateful for anything you can afford. I feel so sad that i am having to beg but i literally don’t know where to turn to apart from online. Thank you in advance and i am honestly extremely grateful.

Doctors Verdict

I had a good conversation with my doctor this week. I am now taking 500mg of Naproxen twice a day and my escitalopram has been increased to 20mg. I have also now been referred to rheumatology.

We discussed some future changes too. She wants me to come off either tramadol or co codamol as the combination isn't the best and she thinks there is other things we can try. She wants me to come off propranolol, i am happy to try and come off that tbh and she wants to change the spironolactone for something else as its not used for facial hair any more and i need something better suited.

It seems she is on the ball and wanting to fix me as best she can. I will embrace changes but i will always be sceptical around my mental health meds though. She was questioning my risperidone but i know for a fact im crazy when i don't take that!

It’s hopefully the start of getting medically sorted. I just need to keep on top of it and make sure i ring regularly to keep her in the loop to how i am doing. I will say since taking the 20mg of escitalopram i have been struggling to sleep. Maybe related.

I Can’t Get High :(

In the last month i have taken mushrooms and acid with little to no effect. we took 7g of cubensis and literally nothing happened. i stop my meds 2 days before so that shouldn't really affect it, it never did in the past. Everything prepped correctly and we’ve tried a could of methods including lemon tek. Acid i took a half and i got a bit of closed eye visual but were gone within an hour. I then took a full tab and got some nice body rushes and closed eye visuals but after 2 hours i was just tired and went to bed.

I just don’t seem to suit psychedelics.

Next to try is MDMA. This is something i've taken before in my youth and i have high hopes as i loved the feeling of coming up. I am hoping my sister buys a gram we can share. I can’t afford coke and that's literally what's left that's available round here. Drug dealers are utter pants round this way.

Might be getting some DMT though off a girl i traded some CBD with so fingers crossed for that but im not sure she realises how expensive DMT is. So might end up with a couple of tabs again. I’ll bosh those together this time!

Periods

So last month i started my period again. First time in 6 years! It lasted 3 weeks :( I really don’t want my period again though. I don’t want kids, i don’t want my ovaries and womb at all, i want a hysterectomy. However, this is something i have yet to bring up with the doctor. I know for a fact she’ll want me to have a smear and i need my partner to shave my fanny for that, can’t do it on my own...

Anyway, this last week i have become tired all the time, hungry constantly, sad and not just a little bit, i feel like crying over everything and anything. I ache, i am moody and spotty :( I don’t want to spend 2 weeks feeling fat and tired, then 2 weeks bleeding. Fuck that! Guess i’ll have to go on the implant or injection. My worst nightmare is getting pregnant. I know what the decision will be, there is no deciding needing to be done. I WILL be getting a abortion. My body cannot take a pregnancy and mentally i could not cope with a child. I am far too selfish and my partner is too old to start a new family. It just isn’t what i want in life.

So need to have another discussion with the doctor!

Mood

Generally i am coasting but i get pangs of paranoia that i am not good enough for my partner and that hes bored of me. Like why would anyone want me, i am broken. What do i offer to the man i love with all my heart? All i have is love on the table. I barely do anything else. He worships me and does everything he can for me and i feel like i am giving nothing back. It’s hard.

I get feelings of deep sadness and i will just cry for no real reason. A picture of a cat an set me off ffs. From that i they think about sad things like my nan not being here or the fact Tyson will one day leave me for rainbow bridge. I just worry about things that are not happening in a long time or things that have happened and i cannot change.

I worry incessantly about my partner or me dying. I got a telling off for ringing my partner after 2 hours of him not replying to texts as i was panicking he had a accident or something terrible had happened. He was just having a nap and i knew this but anxiety took over. It’s so hard to explain to someone that anxiety just takes over and i can’t help doing things as if i don’t i become distraught with worry.

So yeah mood is up and down, more down than up though. I am hoping the increase in escitalopram will even me out and mean i perk up a bit.

So there it is, a write up of life as it stands really. Not covered everything of course as well i cant do that cause some of it is secret in my head.

Just trying to stay positive as best i can.

Love you xxx

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flameontheotherside · 3 years

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How Medications Put Me On My Spiritual Path Pt2

In total I've been on varying doses of:

Zoloft, Prozac, trazadone, Depakote, lithium, Lamictal, Respiridone, Trileptal, Buspar, Klonopin, propranolol, wellbutrine, visterile...I feel like I'm missing a lot. Regardless, this is a lot of medications between 2009 to 2012 and then 2016 to present.

During the period I wasn't medicated I still had the dreams. Since 2011, Erik appeared in my dreams as the ever consistent and persistent "pool/beach" guy. He would tell me about my spiritual path but I didn't understand until the dream about how he dragged me to the meeting with the angels about this incarnation.

I wrote about my dreams so many times.

These dreams are so very vivid and I seriously disregarded them. Except for the one I mentioned about the meeting with angels before my incarnation and the dream right before this journey where angels literally brought us together as I asked from the birthday letter. Those two... oh and the one where he kissed me. I woke up to see my ex sound asleep right after that. I was kissed and I jolted awake.

The dreams continued to happen and I found myself missing that guy from them. I finally started to see a familiarity with the presence I felt back in 2010 and 2012. So for some reason I found myself back online trying to find who this person was again. I was basically flailing around like fish out of water.

I was irrational.

I caught feelings for some random dude in Ireland. It was completely ridiculous. I confided in a friend and he told me it was stupid and I knew he was right. Back then popped "blues" and drank cheap wine for two months before I decided enough was enough (never was addicted to those at least, thank god). I realize those feelings were null because of emotionally transferring the guy in my dreams to random guys in my life. I was trying to put a peg in a square hole. It was really very stupid.

When I started my meds in 2016, I started feeling a presence again. The dreams came more frequently. I started seeing a therapist that fall who sort of looked like Erik. Not my type. But for some reason, there was a little bit of emotional transference. My therapist left but it didn't really bother me. Thats probably because I started working for my old firm again so I was kept busy until I caught the flu. Then...

A "friends" grandmother suddenly died.

Shortly after that, I had a dream of being at a ceremony and it was just me and her in the seats. She turned to smile at me. I had seen her before she died and spoke to her. She was a very nice lady. It made me think of death. I started to wonder about my purpose. I was still recovering from the flu when I asked that if God was real that he give me a purpose.

The dreams were getting to me. I couldn't understand why the need to search for Erik came back right before I started meds again. I couldn't discount the dreams as just dreams anymore. I feel like I was pushed so much because I needed to be on my meds again.

I needed to be pushed further to finally go to God and surrender my life of emptiness for one that gave me purpose.

I was so miserable.

However since I started my meds I've not bothered to fuck with opiates.

Never really liked them anyway. It made me feel weird and caused my anxiety. I only take them unless I have to and dump them in the toilet when I'm done. Hell, I even smoke more cbd than take my klonopin! That drug can be addictive and cbd isn't addictive. So Rick had some painkillers hanging around months back from a surgery and I have real bad cramps from PCOS (to the point I'm in tears and bed all day) and arthritis so they did the trick but after a few days in to my period, I dumped them.

😘💕 Good night loves!

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hvy-mtl-drmr · 5 years

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The Rook 1x06 live posting

(Not live cause I hate useless multiple two sentences posts), and I'm still trying to avoid spoilers, ok, here we go:

- Gestalt's photo on Myfanwy's bed in panic room (and we know she's slept there! I need fan art of Myfanwy's hugging 4 photos)

- She has Russian passport, what's the name, I'm curious? 'cause with Myfanwy she won't get past our Customs

- is it sass???

- oh, it's the truth...

- Conrad's powers OMG

- well, Gestalt don't knoe how to use navigator (me too, bro, me too)

- Monica is not ok. Still looks hot.

- Gestalt haven't figured it out. They just listened to the story.

- love science.

- Linda doing politics. Meh.

- Women are so gullible.

- GESTALT, WTF?!!!

- Oh, finally, Myfanwy and Gestalt are talking like a normal grownups. Well, it's more like Myfanwy talking, Gestalt being sad.

- BRONWYN!!

- cool piercings, hon.

- Monica's sad, too.

- welcome home!!

- cult!! I love it when some1 saying "cult"

- oh no, they made Ingrid sad!!! How could they!! Monsters!

- but she still won't take any shit from anyone, even you Gestalt.

- she's so smart, capable and normal adult.

- well, actually, you are right Ingrid!!

- mint tea with marshmallows?

- ugh, secret jails, conspiracies, blah blah

- c-word again. (as in cults)

- can we stop with sap story.

- TALKIN TO THEMSELVES MOMENT

- thank you, Ingrid. At least you still remember how to do your job

- " will you stop mansplaining, and let me watch the video?" HS always get best oneliners in episodes

- omg, here we go again. I think me problem is that I sincerely h8 family dramas.

- propranolol doesn't work like that, Bronwyn.

- group chat *facepalm* do you use telegramm or whatsapp?

- cool handwriting, Myf.

- flashback. Emma Greenwell so pretty.

- yep, weekly assembly of Paranoid Lonely Hearts Club Band.

- Resistance. OMG.

- wow, wisdom of ages, Gestalt.

- can we stop that weird moment? And send Monica back to the states?

- NO! NO!

And that was the moment when brain stopped working 'cause feelings.

And more feelings.

#the rook #the rook starz #myfanwy thomas #mystaly #gestalt x myfanwy #myfanwy x gestalt #my poor heart

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sweetmoxiety · 5 years

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Behind This Mask Is a Desperate Heart (Part Four)

Hospital AU

AU Summary: A fall. A single fall. It may seem like nothing until it’s all consuming. What happens when the doctors struggle to diagnosis the disease responsible for Virgil’s rapid deterioration?

Characters: Virgil, Patton, Roman, Logan.

Pairings: Moxiety and Logince.

Word Count: 1830

Warnings: Swearing, death, and speaking about it (not main character death).

“Logan... Lo-”

“What Roman!” Logan snapped, whipping his head Roman’s way. Sweat dripped down his brow as he kept pressing the heel of his interlocked fingers down.

“He’s been down forty-three minutes,” Roman said softly, fingers latching onto Logan’s arm.

To his dismay, Logan roughly shook off his grasp. Nothing was working; the defibrillator atop the crash cart had done nothing to restart the child’s choked heart.

Training his jaded eyes back onto the monitor, Logan watched on as the desperate pressing of his hands forged fleeting peaks. Ceasing again, Logan rattled his fist, his nails digging gratingly into his sweaty palm. And the crests were rapidly replaced with the shrill of the flatline buzz.

‘Fuck,’ he cursed under his breath, disregarding the throbbing ache in his arms and the sticky feeling of sweat hugging his skin as he began compressions again. The line of nurses waiting to take over had dwindled. And instead, tired eyes watched Logan’s adamant refusal.

“Logan,” Roman hesitated to reach out a second time, but the larger the crowd of patients that framed them, the faster he knew he needed to bring it to an end, “Lo, you need to stop.”

“People have come back after having been down for longer,” Logan countered, rhythm faltering and voice strained.

“Lo.., he’s been deprived of oxygen for too long.”

Logan knew Roman was right. The longer the brain was deprived of oxygen, the worse the damage would be. Logically, he should stop. He should stop. What he was doing defied logic. But reason, faulty or not, told him that there was a chance; he’d seen it happen before. So, no, he can’t stop from pressing the heel of his palm down. He-

“Stop, Logan,” Roman firmly grabbed Logan’s sweat-slicked arm, dragging him off the patient and onto the tile floor.

“No-,” Logan spat coldly, trying to tug his arm free from the attending pulling him away, but that didn’t halt Roman from tugging him further as the monitor shrieked out a dying cry. It screeched at him, wailed at him, and squawked at him. And he wilted. He wilted hearing the shattering whine of the flatline. And he stopped fighting. He slumped, watching the nurses’ unplug the heart monitor; the call of the monitor vanishing like ships crossing the Bermuda triangle. Absent was the rise and fall of the child’s chest, and absent was the reassuring beep. Instead, reassurance was replaced by machine wheels being dragged away along scratched floors.

Teal lips and muted, cold skin glaring at him from the corner of his eye sunk their teeth sharply into his memory. But what had, had tears springing into the corners of his eyes was the withered flower visage, the sagged shoulders, and the child’s arms limp at his sides. It was seeing them shelter the child in a flimsy, white sheet that caused Logan to truly depress.

“F-Fuck off, Ro,” Logan shook, finally yanking his arm free. Stumbling, he turned, wiping away the tears before anyone could see them leave wet trails in their wake.

“Logan-”

Logan cleared his throat, shifting, and abruptly cutting off Roman.

“The beta-blockers should have worked,” He, then, said all too controlled, fists clenched and watching on stiffly like a switch had been flipped. The Propranolol should have worked. Why hadn’t it worked?

“I know, Lo,” Roman frowned with unease, guiding them both down the achromatic hallway. He’d never observed Logan as anything other than the stoic, calculating logicistian he so frequently gloated on being... “You know you didn’t do anything wrong, right?” Roman watched the other scrunch up his nose as if he’d been asked to try escargot.

“The facts would seem to suggest otherwise,” Logan scoffed under his breath.

“I know you know that sometimes people can’t be saved,” Roman opted to use logic against him as he ushered him through the mess room’s ajar door.

“I’m aware.”

“Then you’d know it wasn’t your fault. Sometimes we just lose patients,” Roman said, shutting the door and steering Logan’s stiff frame to sit on the mattress beside him.

“Yes, well-” Logan muttered, peeling away from the look Roman offered children to comfort them through a particularly painful injection, “I haven’t.”

“Never?”

“That is what I said.”

When Roman fell silent, Logan glanced back at Roman to see his mouth curled downward like a bad omen. He was about to speak up when Roman suddenly interjected, “Do you know why I went into pediatrics?”

“You’re too exuberant and animated for any other field,” Logan joked jadedly, scooting back further onto the bed, the mattress faintly creaking underneath him as he did so.

“No- well, it does help with dealing with children, but no, that's not the reason,” Roman shook his head, a choked laugh caught in the back of his throat.

“Why then?”

He’d piqued Logan’s interest, but Roman had fallen silent a second time - two times too many. For a man that was so boisterous and noisy at every possible opportunity, him sitting there with his hands resting limply in his lap was unnerving. It was far from the childlike energy he typically exuded.

“...Roman?”

“In my third year of med school.., I was assigned a pediatric oncology rotation-”

“I do remember you mentioning that quite a few times. It would appear it had an impact on you.”

“Yes...,” He wasn’t past the point of return, but in a moment of trust he proceeded, “but I’ve never told you about Layla.”

“Layla?”

“She was the bravest princess,” Roman smiled ruefully, head lolling forward slightly, “She adored my marvelous story telling; her favorite tale was the battle of the dragon witch and the strong, fearless princess!”

Pausing to collect himself as history painfully nudged its way into the present, Roman continued, “Oh, Lo, if only you could have seen the dreams reflecting in her eyes and the way she lit up every room with her contagious smiles.”

“More contagious than dear Patton’s!” Roman’s fragile smile straddled the edge of sinking again as his fingertips swiped away new tears over old memories.

“What happened to Layla, Roman?”

“She had acute myelogenous leukemia...,” he let out a shaky sigh as he reached into the past to tug those memories looser. Memories of Layla were fragile treasures, priceless glimpses of hope. Memories of her enacting a battle with Roman and striking him with a foam sword before she was too sick to get out of bed weren’t allowed to simply fade away. Those memories once left his heart mangled and weeping. But memories of Layla going wide-eyed as Roman spoke frivolously of the adventures of Princess Fiona and of Layla giggling wildly as Roman’s attending poked fun at him sprung forward with dizzying speed; short, happy time capsules of history nestled in Roman’s mind.

“She was nine, Lo, and I blamed myself. I was the one that encouraged the transplant.”

“But you know what?” Roman continued, drying his downcast eyes with his white sleeve, “she helped me; her story shaped mine.”

When Logan didn’t say anything, Roman resumed, his voice freckled with an incurable ache, “There was a time when I tried to shake the memories because it hurt. It pained me too much, but it was Layla that made me fight for pediatrics.”

And a silence fell over them.

“I- I.. I don’t know what to say.”

“Lo, what I’m trying to tell you is that we can’t save everybody no matter how hard we try, and I know you won’t admit how much it’s eating at you and how much it’ll eat at you because ‘it defies logic’, but I want you to get it into your brainiac head of yours that you’re not alone.”

Glancing over at Roman, Logan saw the fences torn down by the man himself, “I- Thank you, Roman.”

-------

“Ye- yes, Patton,” Logan nodded quickly, interrupting Patton’s distressed rambling, and eyeing the way Roman disappeared back into the E.R., “I am fine. It was just a moment of weakness.”

“Having emotions isn’t a weakness.”

“Emotions are messy and unpredictable and precarious.” Emotions were far from the safe clutches of reasoning and deduction; emotions just weren’t Logan’s thing.

“You shouldn't feel guilty or view having feelings as a weakness,” Patton set the fact free from its fetters, “sure, sometimes, your feelings may not make sense, but it's not your feelings job to make sense. You just... experience them. And you have to do your best to deal with them.”

Logan stopped, pondered even, only to recycle pages of his own inadequate words and cycle through dozens more he wouldn’t share.

“Yeah?” Patton cocked his head, picking up again, “understanding them and being in touch with them can give us a better outlook on our issues and our situations. And by understanding how they influence us, we can better evaluate ourselves.” He could tell he was starting to sway Logan, but Logan had long ago cocooned himself in the safety of rationality.

“Have you heard of Antonio Damasio?” Patton pursued changing Logan’s mind like he chased after a second cookie.

Logan shook his head.

“Well, Antonio Damasio noticed that when his patients lost the part of the brain that controlled emotions, the patients’ decision making abilities became very poor. So, where would we be if we didn’t have the emotional side of our brains?”

“Huh...” Logan furrowed his brow, eyeing Patton incredulously, “you seem to make a sound argument, Patton.”

“Hmm....,” after another wordless moment of careful contemplation, Logan spoke up again, “it would seem you are.. right, Patton.” Patton was right? What..? Patton was right...

“Oh my juice! Really?” His spirit danced with reason to celebrate, lips stretched into a shocked grin.

“...Yes,” Logan admitted, though he much preferred not having to say it a second time. It was like pulling teeth to hear him verbally acknowledge when he was wrong, but maybe that’s what made it so astonishing to hear.

“Come ‘ere, hug time!”

“Fine..” Logan grumbled, letting Patton wrap his arms tightly around him, his own limbs trapped underneath the sweet sunshine’s arms circling his torso.

“Just know that I’m here for you, Lo,” Patton squeezed, looking up at Logan before letting go. He knew Logan didn’t particularly enjoy long hugs even if they were from him.

“Thank you, Patton.”

“Now, how about we go get a nice warm cup of hot cocoa?”

“That would be satisfactory.”

“Yay! Let’s g- Oh-” Patton started and then stopped, cogs turning before setting his own universe back in motion, “maybe I should see if Virgil’s up first? You did say you wanted me to keep an eye on him. Last time I checked in on him it was three ish?”

“That’s right,” Logan said, waving his hand, “go ahead, Patton, I’ll meet you in the cafeteria.”

“Okay! I’ll be right behind you!” Patton leapt into motion with a pep in his step. He’d done good.

Tag list (ask to be added): @buckydeangirl91 @bunny222

#sanders sides #moxiety #logince #virigl sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #hospital au #thomas sanders #ts virigl #ts patton #ts logan #ts roman #romantic moxiety #romantic logince #sanders sides fic #logicality

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brittanyyoungblog · 3 years

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The True Story of How I Became a Sex Educator and Researcher

Official Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Unofficial Bio of Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller

Image Source: 123RF