❛ a sky full of stars, and i’d still watch you. ❜
❛ Wow.. that’s really sweet, George.. thanks, ❜ the blonde finds herself stammering a little in the aftermath of his words.
They were both students at Hill Valley high school so she was not unfamiliar with who he was, but they weren’t exactly close, so the statement came as quite a shock. Diana believed all of this time that George was only interested in the Lorraine girl, a pretty, preppy brunette always carrying around a book or two, but apparently not. Or, he simply kept his options open, which encouraged a little chuckle from her as she thought this.
❛ ..so, you want anything while you’re here? ❜ she asks, lifting a pen and pad from her apron ready to jot down his order, trying her best in the most polite way to shift the conversation. Diana was of course interested in him, but they were only young and she had never even kissed a guy before, so her skyness shone right on through. The pink tint to her cheeks didn’t help.
George, being the clumsy fool he so often was, didn’t notice or seem to care that she was being bashful and pushed on with a secondary compliment, which this time sounded like a cheesy pick up line that would have been best left in the 60’s. All that she wanted to do in that moment was give a good belly laugh, but not wishing to hurt his feelings in any way, she smiled and gently nudged his shoulder instead, the blush returning.
❛ The stars must be jealous of the sparkles in your eyes. ❜ he’d said, with so much confidence the second time around that it took everything inside her not to give in to how amused it had her feeling. It was quite cute, though, she couldn’t deny it. ❛ I’ll just take a chocolate shake and a cheeseburger, please, ❜ the tremble in his voice when he relents and orders is spotted by her immediately and she feels immediate regret.
❛ I got a break now for 15, mind if I eat lunch with you? ❜ Diana asks, watching the shift in his expression as a genuine smile of pure happiness fills his face and reaches his eyes. If there was one thing about George McFly that she could never falter, it’d be the boys eyes. Whenever she found herself staring, his eyes never failed to captivate her more than anything else.
The jukebox in the corner of the diner had been changed again as the sound of Erasure filled the crowded space. Diana found herself swaying to the beat of the popular hit as she snatched off her apron in the back and returned to sit with George at his chosen table by the window. She was carrying two shakes as she sat opposite him in the booth, his chocolate one and the other, strawberry for herself.
❛ So.. the Enchantment Under The Sea dance is in two days, I was wondering it you’d wanna go with me? ❜ George asks, as he takes a long sip of his shake, eyes darting downward as he waits for a no that he was sure would come.
Diana had been asked by three other boys over the last week or two, but he was the one cutting it pretty close. The blush he gave her earlier with his pick up lines returned but she smiled in spite of her embarrassment and nodded her head. The boys who had asked her prior were of no interest, especially Tannen because he had been far too assertive. Biff was the opposite in every way to the sort of guy that she could see herself with.
❛ Yea, of course.. I’ll go with you, George, ❜ she says happily, a cheerful smile widening on her face, which prompts his own in the most handsome way. She ends up looking at him a while after that, the way his eyes shine when he is happy and how it seems clear that he holds more confidence with each positive response he gets from her.
As the two continue to talk, especially regarding garments for the dance and him wanting to match the colour of her dress, her co-worker comes over with their order; his cheeseburger and her hamburger with extra ketchup. Diana wasn’t one who liked cheese at all very much, she just liked hamburgers with a great deal of onions and ketchup. While he went about telling her his ideas for the outfits they would wear, she took a huge bite out of her burger and found herself with a dollop of sauce on her chin after setting it back down on the plate.
Where she would have picked up a napkin to dab it away with no help, she wasn’t able to do so, because he grabbed it long before she could even lower her hand and reached across the table, gently patting at the mess she had made and smiling in an adoring manner. The butterflies she felt bubble up inside of her stomach were an entirely new feeling. No guy had ever, in all her school years, made her feel that way with a gesture as simple and considerate as the one he had just presented.
❛ Thanks.. George, ❜ she blushes a deeper scarlet now, sipping quite a large amount of her strawberry shake to both break up the knot in her throat and cool the heat in her cheeks. ❛ So, I’m wearing a white and silver dress.. do you have anything we can match with? ❜ she asks, hopeful she won’t need to shop again because most stores would be out of dance dresses by now.
❛ I have a suit that will go perfectly with that, ❜ he says, eyes a brighter blue than they normally are as he seems to be taking in the sight of her sitting across from him looking beautiful. It would be unfair to see her any other way according to him. He found her gorgeous no matter what she was doing.
She’d been working now for three hours since school finished this afternoon and despite being so busy on her feet, rushing around and taking orders, she still looked pretty in his eyes. It wasn’t even something he had to voice to her directly because she could tell just by looking at the expression he wore what he was thinking and again, it built on the blush she wore.
❛ Great, we’ll be really cute in our matching outfits, ❜ she says, showing her teeth with another smile before lifting her burger again for another bite or two, finding herself pretty hungry as it was exactly 6pm. It wasn’t often she liked to have dinner at the diner but when it wasn’t a weekend, she had no choice. It could be said that waiting till she got home after 7pm would be a good time to eat, but she hated doing that with school the next day. Plus, eating at work meant more junk food.
❛ Sure, I’ll pick you up Friday night around 7:30, is that enough time for you to get home and ready? ❜ he asks, figuring she is not going to be working that night due to the dance but being also vaguely aware of how long women like to take getting all dolled up for a dance, a wedding, or a date.
Diana nodded her head, chewing and swallowing the last few bits of burger she had in her mouth as she watched him pick up his cheeseburger since they both sat down to take his first bite. George was very delicate in how he hate, it seemed and that left her swooning all over again. It was so different to her couldn’t care less attitude that she watched with delight and engaged in his mannerisms with an inner mologue that ended up boosting the crush she was fast developing on him.
❛ You know Biff asked me to the dance last week? I told him to buzz off, though. He isn’t the kinda guy I go for really.. I like a soft heart and a gentle soul kinda man, ❜ she says, eyes lifting from her milkshake as she sips through the straw, watching his reaction to what she said to see how he took it.
George seems to be blushing himself now which pulls a laugh from her belly and she quickly covers it with her hand before brushing aside a lock of hair from her face. He watches her in a way she has never been watched before as the corners of her eyes crinkle in her amusement and he falls madly in love. He had admired her from a distance since they first started high school, but had always been too shy to approach.
❛ I’m glad you said no to him, Diana. I’ve been wanting to ask you out for years, ❜ he said, still a hint of shyness in his tone of voice, but nowhere near as bad as it was earlier. ❛ I think you’re really beautiful, ❜ he adds on, face a deep pink hue.
❛ I feel the same about you, George. You’re really handsome. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. People think that you’re just some preppy, goody two shoes who never delves into a single spot of trouble and never stands up for himself, but it’s not tough to see through that soft shell, ❜ she admits, realising there is a lot more to him than meets the eye.
@taketotheskies / thank you for this!
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".
Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"
And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".
Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.
At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.
So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!
Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!
Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!
Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.
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