#I literally lost my teenaged years to this fucking disease

[thatuselesshuman]

So, today I saw a few videos on the devil site known as tiktok that really pissed me off (and I'm going to yap about it).

Apparently, over on Gen Alpha tiktok (Gen Alpha is those born in 2010-now for those wondering) there's a trend going around that's literally making 2020 an aesthetic. Like, under a video where it was like "Pov: your morning routine in 2020", I saw so many comments like "I wish I was a teenager during 2020 😭". And it may just be me but that BAFFLES me. Ignoring the fact that the video was literally just a collection of tiktok trends from 2020, the comments piss me off.

When the pandemic hit, I was in High school. We were let out for an early spring break, and we all thought that we'd be back soon. Little did we know, we'd be forced to stay inside for the next 6 months because if we went outside, we may catch a disease that could kill us. That pandemic changed so many things for me (and I know I'm not alone in that), that it's so insane that it's now being romanticized. My dad went to the hospital when he caught covid (thank God it was later in the pandemic, so they had some treatments), I lost some pivotal teenage years to the pandemic, and I had a whole ass identity crisis. I am permanently different because I only had human contact with my family for half a year. Because of circumstances outside of my control, I didn't have a proper phone during 2020 (I couldn't call or text), so I was effectively cut off from my friends. I had the pandemic a lot easier than some, but I think it's fucking stupid that kids now are saying that they wished they went through that.

#Call me old #Call me sensitive #But my dad could've died because of that damn pandemic #I changed permanently because of that damn pandemic #I lost friends (not because they died or anything) to that damn pandemic #I think I have the right to be pissed about this #I know it's just immaturity and ignorance #But im still pissed #kids are stupid #I accept that #But Gen Alpha tiktok makes me lose a braincell or two #covid #pandemic #covid 19 #long covid #coronavirus #tiktok #gen alpha #rant post #personal rant #mini rant #rant #ranting #sorry for the rant

[stealtharchaeologist]

Hello Tumblr. I might be back. I've had a hellish few months with my chronic pain. Some things that happened:

Woke up with my neck hurting severely. Apparently this caused me to grind my teeth, because the next day I had a horrific toothache. Long story short, some of the most excruciating pain of my life for like five days straight and I waaaay broke my pain management contract trying to get it under control.

Roommates got sick but tested negative for COVID. We got complacent. It actually was COVID. I made it three and a half years and finally got COVID literal days before the next vaccine came out.

In rushing around to prepare for isolation, I fell and injured my neck AGAIN. So while extremely sick with COVID, and the rest of the roommates also sick, I literally could not get out of bed for more than 2-3 MINUTES at a time.

Imaging shows my neck is deformed (probably from the genetic disorder that fucked up my skull, too) aaaand I have arthritis and degenerative disk disease and bone spurs trying to encroach on my nerve pathways. Can't do anything about it right now, but I'm probably going to injure it again and it might need surgical intervention at that time.

Between these injuries and illness, I unintentionally lost 30 pounds in the space of two months. Because I literally couldn't eat. 🫠

Oh right - we all moved, and while moving, I developed horrible pain in my belly. Turned out to be a hydrosalpinx. Which eliminated my ability to get pregnant. And can only be corrected with surgery. So I asked why we couldn't just do a hysterectomy while we're in there.

THE DOCTOR SAID YES! I had my whole argument written out about how I've wanted a hysterectomy since I was a teenager and I have NEVER wanted children, but I barely had to get into it!!! She approved it and pushed it through insurance to get it done before the end of the year and my deductible resetting!!!

Thus, I got to evict my uterus yesterday!!! Also, ow, this hurts really bad right now, but my god, I'm going to be so much better!!!

In the midst of all this, it was made very clear that my pain management regimen wasn't working. So I'm back to taking hydrocodone, but mixed with ibuprofen instead of Tylenol this time. Which is REALLY hard to find. Most pharmacies don't even carry it. The one that did immediately got hit with a drug shortage. So that was fun.

So it's been a chaotic and very painful few months, but I do think I'm on the upswing, with the yeeterus done and having actually decent pain medication again. As long as the drug shortage doesn't keep hitting hydrocodone/ibuprofen.

Oh, aaaand nortriptyline is working some miracles with regards to fatigue and maybe pain, so that's good, too!

#blog #health stuff #hysterectomy #yeeterus #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #arthritis

[frosty-the-killer-doll]

20 questions for fic writers - tagged by the lovely @supergirlboy !!!!!

How many works do you have on ao3?

98

What's your total ao3 word count?

274,783

What fandoms do you write for?

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

how do i look? (mm, frightful) - Heroes of Olympus

two rights can feel so, so wrong - Stranger Things

when the sun loves the moon - Wednesday

if flynn rider was out there, i'd probably reject him - Brooklyn 99

snow laughing matter - The Flash

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Of course! I want to let my readers know how much I appreciate their feedback 💕

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I couldn't decide between these three:

There’s a beautiful warmth in Felicity’s watery gaze when she talks about how straight-laced and good, how wonderful, Laurel had been as a teenager. Student body president, y’know! Always the smart kid you knew was going somewhere. Felicity hadn’t even known her back then, but that never really mattered. Laurel was sharp, kind, friendly— but she could hold her own. And she had, all her life, no matter what. Until… “Until... Damien Darhk.” Barry knows, at the vile hatred burning in Felicity’s tone at that name, he isn’t going to like this part of Laurel’s life story. And he’s right.

- finding out

Somewhere in the darkness of night, she makes the choice to leave. To run away from the monster, push past the angel, barely give any thought to the hunter. Tomorrow, when the sun comes up and her body works again… For now, she stirs in the memories of Randy’s blood and Salinger’s touch. She’s going to get out of here if it kills her.

- wounded

Khione will never know them. She wishes she got to know them. She wishes she could have been made for a different purpose. She wants to be the one that hears Frost inside her head and listens to Caitlin’s bad singing. Khione is grieving the lives she never led, but the lives that her body remembers so loyally. She doesn’t remember them. But that means she’ll never forget them.

-- and if it had to perish twice

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

maybe this oldie from smoak signals?

Laurel looked around at all these people. She’d known so many of them for years. Some were still strangers to her. She wouldn’t pass up this night for the universe. Even if she could go back to Earth-Two, she loved that so many of the people around her were alive and happy because of Prime. Eddie Thawne didn’t have to die to ensure Eobard’s defeat. Here, Barry didn’t have to break Patty’s heart. Livewire wasn’t just undead, but she was genuinely a force of good. Here, William had siblings—not blood ones, but blood didn’t matter much to them. He chose to be the brother of Zoe Ramirez and Ruby Arias, the polywogs. Maybe things weren’t always perfect. But as far as Laurel was concerned, this overwhelming linked group of outcasts was her perfect family. She loved them all, so, so, so fucking much, she didn’t know how to put it into a sentence. And she didn’t even know some of their names. That was amazing.

Do you get hate on fics?

bitch, every time I post about Max Mayfield. Her haters are alive and well in the comments of any ao3 fics that portray her in even a somewhat positive light

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've written smut literally once and it's kinky Smoaking Canarrow threesome. I would love to write more smutty works...

Do you write crossovers?

Assuming we're not counting crossovers between media that exists in the same universe, not generally, but I did manage to sneak Crazy Jane of the Doom Patrol into an Arrowverse fic!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

shit not that I know of

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don't think so?

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

RAO no

What’s your all-time favorite ship to write for?

:3 teehee

What’s a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

probably bare my old, diseased soul. I haven't touched it in years; I've lost interest in soulmate AUs, even polyamorous ones that star my darling Caity.

What are your writing strengths?

shrug emoji

What are your writing weaknesses?

it's hard to spell things right when you're dyslexic so I fear there are spelling and grammar errors in some places, tho I try to reread my works a shitton to fix any I may find before posting

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

make sure to always research the shit outta whatever you're trying to say!

First fandom you wrote for?

if writing multiple novel-length fics based on the adventures of my Warrior Cats OCs counts, then Warriors. Considering those works featured literally no actual Warrior characters, I like to say The Flash.

Favorite fic you’ve written?

true to form, a fluffy pre-relationship Killersnow~

UM UM UM let's tag @the-feral-gremlin and @icedteaandoldlace and @laurensxdeath

#tag games #fic writers

[sophie-i-guess13]

Homemade Promptlist!

These are literally just song lyrics from my various Spotify playlists. You don’t need to send me a prompt to send me a request, but here’s some ideas if your looking for them!

Other writers; feel free to use these! I’d appreciate it if you mentioned where you got the prompt(s) from though! Have fun! <3

I’ll add more as I think of them- or if you felt like sending me some to put here *wink wink nudge nudge*

**prompts that involve “/“ can have very different vibes- let me know which lyrics in particular you’d like!

*sad yeehaw*

I wish I was a trusted man, but a trusted man is weak / the only thing worth trusting is some brass through crooked teeth / love it ain’t for taming, a disease that can’t be cured [ crooked teeth - zach bryan ]

What a home so sad and lone [ can the circle be unbroken - the Carter family ]

Well it seems like a month since I kissed my baby goodbye [ six days on the road - Dave Dudley ]

I said there’d be no sorrow / that I’d laugh when you walked away [ a little bitty tear - Burl Ives ]

You’ve got a way to keep me on your side [ I walk the line - Johnny Cash ]

I play my blues for the small town kids [ muddy water - The Deslondes ]

70’s and Up

I remember when she used to make a lot of noise / hoppin’ and a-boppin’ with the street corner boys [ I knew the bride when she used to rock n roll - Nick Lowe ]

Oh, what a night / Late December, back in ‘63 [December, 1963 - Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons ]

We may lose, we may win / but we will never be here again [ take it easy - The Eagles ]

It’s the only thing I could do half right, and it’s turned out all wrong, Ma [ look what they’ve done to my song - Melanie ]

Bye bye, miss american pie! [ American pie - Don McLean ]

Teenage ambitions you remember well / it was the heat of the moment [ heat of the moment - Asia ]

I only wish my words could convince myself that it just wasn’t real, but that’s not the way it feels [ operator - Jim Croce ]

Vintage

Oh won’t you stay / just a little bit longer? [ stay - Maurice Williams and The Zodiacs ]

I miss my baby and I feel so bad, guess my race is won / she’s the best girl I’ve ever had / I fought the law and the law won [ I fought the law - Buddy Holly ]

No woman’s worth crawling on the Earth [ walk like a man - the four seasons ]

Let’s twist again, like we did last summer / let’s twist again, like we did last year [ let’s twist again - Chubby Checker ]

Don’t care if you do / cause it’s understood / you ain’t got no money / you just ain’t no good [ hit the road Jack - Ray Charles ]

Indie

And it hardened like my heart did when you left town / but that’s all in the past now, gone with the wind [ cleopatra - The Lumineers ]

You told me a lie, fuck you for that / maybe when (s)he’s dead and gone I’ll get some sleep [ leader of the landslide - the lumineers ]

The bravest men return with darkened hearts and phantom pain [ la belle fleur sauvage - lord Huron ]

There’s a debt or two I owe you [ 20 long years - lord Huron ]

Lost in time and space, aimless drifting in a far off place / lost in a galaxy of cocktail bars / I guess she’s gone for good, she don’t call me like I thought she would / lost in time and space, aimless searching for a long lost face [ lost in time and space - Lord Huron ]

#soapie’s stuff #the outsiders #the outsiders fanfiction #prompt list #introductions

[leporellian]

why do you hate rosenkav???

tbh i joke abt rosenkav being my Mortal Enemy and it being my least favorite but if i was handed the reins to a rosenkav production i could fix her. meanwhile something like madama butterfly for example… could be wiped from existence in its entirety tomorrow and nothing of value would be lost. so i don’t Hate rosenkav as much as i joke about hating it. (however i don’t like the music, which i guess is funny given how much of a mozart fan i am. i think it’s too flowery without remembering mozart is at his best when he’s being simplistic.)

my real issue with rosenkav is how nobody around it or performing in it seems conscious of the whole major plot point being this 30 y/o woman grooming a 17 y/o into a relationship. which is just… degrees of fucked up but when you see every single analysis and program for this opera being all “isn’t she SAD? isn’t it SAD that teenage boy will leave her for someone his own age eventually? it’s SAD!!” when like… sorry i am aware of what the marschallin is going through but it’s all REALLY weird that we just collectively turn a blind eye to the whole “30something grooming a 17 year old” thing, especially bc the villain of the opera is rightfully called a gross creep for… also being a grown adult trying to secure a relationship with a teenager. and i think part of it is because of how weird people are about trouser roles and the ‘suspension of disbelief’ that comes with them and theatrical gender presentation as a whole, and how we still actually really see the idea of a woman playing a male role as something to be exoticized and eroticized, and the implications that contains for the broader concept of gender presentation and theatrical casting customs, which is its own can of worms i do not have the time or space to get into here. crazy innit.

it also suffers from “every production of this opera has the same general look” disease, which doesn’t help. rosenkav prods feel so weirdly interchangeable with each other besides the singers themselves. which promotes the sort of echo chamber that has become this opera’s interpretations.

(and there’s uh. well there’s racism there. it can be easily edited out and this is coming from the guy who’s literally writing an entire novel based on the magic flute, but (looks into camera))

i don’t think rosenkav is beyond redemption but i do think it should be given the Darker Production Analysis treatment. like can someone please stop and be like “yknow what it is kind of fucked up that we are meant to empathize with this woman, who (reminder) is a 30something in a relationship with a 17 year old” more than the two groomed teenagers in this show” and be willing to take the commonly held idea of what this opera Is down a peg. and yes there very much is a level of different values from the setting of this opera, the time it premiered, and the current day, but if we can investigate other operas for their problematic themes and dare to challenge the status quo a wee bit then rosenkav can absolutely undergo that scrutiny too.

anyway (waves hand) so i’ve been reading a streetcar named desire for class recently and

#der rosenkavalier #opera tag

[daytripperoverlord]

Eating disorders, medication, emeto,positive!

I just realized that it’s been so long since I recall my stomach feeling bloated and awful?? I’ve been nauseous and on the verge of puking my guts out some days from side effects but having had so much time without feeling like binging at all I realise so much about my body and it’s needs. Makes the medication easier to take n keep tracking on

Before, I felt this compulsive pattern of eating just shape my days. People kept telling me it’s a deep seated emotional reaction to trauma but I don’t know, sometimes binging food was like that but more often it was just this. Carnal drive to eat eat eat. And higher calorie foods weren’t just comfort the way I feel about sushi or my mamas borscht, I just felt this intense desire to consume a certain amount of sugar before going to bed like clockwork for YEARS. Most often I’d literally be awarding myself for good control n then literally NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP without EATING GUMMY WORMS OR SOME SHIT

Looking back my insulin resistance like the fucking disease, and not a moral failure and a lack of accountability, it is was probably the thing driving me on like a hormonal level. I hear that it’s very related to sleep cycles n that stuff too.

When I wasn’t busy binging, my body instead decided to cling to all adipose like a vice which should really have been a major red flag to every medical professional too busy making assumptions about my diet or fiber intake.

I’ve talked extensively about how stimulants fuck with you. Some times on super high doses I’ve considered stopping altogether bc it certainly exacerbates any digestive issues. The fun of starving easily dies out when the pain catches up. Then you realize this isn’t about control. Your body just rejects the notion of food to the point where swallowing makes you GAG even if you take it with water. Breads and carbs especially feel so… dense and hard to get through. As a child with an eating disorder I spent years dreaming about that kind of “”discipline”” that stops you from eating for days. You feel compelled to just drink your nutrition but even with stew-thick smoothies, your body is not going to like it. I know ppl do “”juice cleanses “”” or whatever n I’m not educated enough in its benefits but from personal experience, the pain n then feeling so hungry you’re sick is just. Awful

And YET I was still OVERWEIGHT it made no fuckinh sense I felt like I was going CRAZY!!! A suggested calorie intake began to just drop to the point where I was completing these days of like 700-900 calories and Nothing Was Happening!!!!! When I was a teenager pre meds it was even worse because literally no matter how much I punished that unrelenting appetite by starvation or “control” I received NO REWARD. Like straight up I did not believe it was possible to lose 2lbs in a week lol

I’m not gonna excuse the constant emotional abuse of “you’d be so pretty if you lost x weight” because frankly that fatphobic rhetoric nearly killed me and destroyed my friendship with my stepdad and made my home life this judgy living hell. My inability to crack it at the time made it my biggest insecurity and literally every single abusive force around me use it as ammunition.

Puked till I lost teeth. Adhd pills to the point of fearing a heart attack

It’s probably the biggest reason I’ve pulled my adhd medication dosage way down consistently. The power you get from just being able to put something down, to not constantly be obsessed with imagining what stuff tastes like or want to eat, is unbelievable and I feel like a normal human being. It just makes me want to cry for my young self who was constantly told they were the problem, it was my fault, I was overeating on purpose because I was d̑̈ȃ̈m̑̈ȃ̈g̑̈ȇ̈d̑̈ and constantly put on diets that crushed self esteem n made my issues literally worse.

There’s just a weird liberating feeling from eating what you want and not feeling this weird pull to do it. I’m making such good decisions on a lot of my food when I’m being mindful now

#tw eating issues #tw drvgs #vent #tw emeto ment

[losing-life]

Normal teenage nostalgia: school dances ✨ hanging out with your besties 🥰 your first crushes 🤭

My teenage nostalgia:

#I literally lost my teenaged years to this fucking disease #ed #ana #mia #anamia #ednos #eating disorder #anorexic #anorexia #bulimia #bulimic #thinspo #thinspiration #ed things

[ourimpavidheroine]

You always post your writing soundtracks. Mind sharing your top ten albums with us?

I actually laughed when I read this because I’m thinking of the Anon who complained that all of my music was OLD. I mean. I’m old! What did you expect?

Never mind me, I’m easily amused. Thank you for using the word album so I would not feel like Lady Danbury with my lethal cane.

Yes, sure I can do that! I don’t know that these are my forever and ever amen top ten, but they are the ones that are coming to mind right now. So.

Under a cut, it’s long. 

In no particular order.

Brutal Youth - Elvis Costello

My ex-husband was in love with Elvis Costello and who could blame him? The man is a genius lyricist. This is not one of his more commercially popular albums but I love every single track. (I also lined up at Ticketmaster in Oakland, CA when the man was touring in order to get tickets for my ex. I got there at midnight and spent the night, meeting a group of drag queens who were getting tickets to see Barbara Streisand. God, that was a fun night, we ate donuts one of them went on a donut run for and sang showtunes for hours. One of my favorite memories.) This verse, from Clown Strike, is one that has resonated with me since I first heard it.

Tell me what you want of me Or are you terrified of failure? You put on a superstitious face Behind all this paraphernalia We're not living in a masquerade Where you only have three wishes It isn't easy to see In a lifetime of mistaken kisses

Unrepentant Geraldines - Tori Amos

I remember the first time I heard a Tori Amos song. It was the summer directly after I’d graduated from college, I was driving my ex-husband’s car and Silent All These Years came on the radio and I was just fucking gobsmacked. I bought Little Earthquakes that day and haven’t looked back. I have all her albums. I am a big, big fan.

Unrepentant Geraldines, though. God. It came out the year before my wife died and it got me through her death. The song Weatherman is about a man losing his wife, and how he sees her in the nature surrounding him. 

And. 

No, sorry, I can’t write more about this, not right now. But I sing it to her sometimes. 

He is not a weatherman But his bride lies with the land And she will whisper to him I'll be dressing up in snow Cloaked in echo it's almost As if only Nature knows How to paint his wife to life With every season's tone "One more look from her eyes One more look can you paint her back to life"

Ray of Light - Madonna

This album got me through my divorce from my ex-husband. I’d go out every single day during my lunch hour, this on my walkman, and walk and walk and walk until I got myself in enough control to go back and finish my work day. It’s a great album and I still listen to it a lot. It empowers me. And then my daughter was born and Ray of Light has always been her song to me, even though that wasn’t the song on the album that Madonna herself wrote for her daughter.

Faster than the speeding light she's flying Trying to remember where it all began She's got herself a little piece of heaven Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one And I feel like I just got home And I feel And I feel like I just got home And I feel

Seven and the Ragged Tiger - Duran Duran

This one was a difficult choice. For one thing, I really love their album Big Thing, which almost nobody’s heard about but one I love deeply. This one though...I think it’s the memories, including going to see them at the Oakland Coliseum with my cousin during their tour for this album and finding out they were partially filming the video for The Reflex that night. I like to think of us as being one of those girls in the audience. (Although I wasn’t screaming. I am a Capricorn. Have some dignity.) Duran Duran were responsible for my first fanfic and I’ve had a love for them since my Dad bought me their first album for my 13th birthday. I am nothing if not loyal. I have all of their early albums, all of their 12″ singles, too, including Secret Oktober, which I have always loved with a passion.

Also, Roger Taylor can still get it.

Freefall on a windy morning shore nothing but a fading track of footsteps Could prove that you never been there Spoken on a cotton cloud like the sound of gunshot taken by the wind And lost in distant thunder racing on a shining plain And tomorrow you'll be content to watch as the lightning plays along the wires and you'll wonder

Touch - Eurythmics

Another band I still love and listen to on the regular. Annie Lennox could sing me the telephone book and I’d be thrilled. Seeing her at age 14 in the Sweet Dreams video for the first time in my Grandmother’s living room quite literally woke something in me that led to moving across the world for a woman years later. (GOD.) I have all of their albums and choosing a favorite is difficult but this one won by a narrow margin, if only for the song Regrets, which is one of the songs that describes me until I became a mother, really. Like I RESONATED with that song. Still does in certain ways, if I am being truthful to myself.

I've got a delicate mind I've got a dangerous nature And my fist collides With your furniture I've got a delicate mind I've got a dangerous nature And my fist collides With your furniture I'm an electric wire And I'm stuck inside your head

Combat Rock - The Clash

Ah, teenage Impavid first understanding that music can also be political. Listen, I didn’t know much about what was going on outside of my own miniscule sphere - I was young and the internet didn’t exist yet. We got what news we got from our local paper and TV stations and they weren’t really reporting on what was happening in the world, not in 1982, let me fucking assure you. I got this album because my Dad was a part time DJ at a radio station that played mostly country music and the general manager of the station would just toss the rest of the non-country albums they’d get as promotions. My Dad would bring them home to me to listen to. You can imagine thirteen year old me listening to this album that opened with “This is a public service announcement - with guitars!” going WHAT THE FUCK? Let me just say there were a lot of trips to the library to read various newspapers after that.

Not to mention Rock the Casbah. What was a muezzin? I had no idea. I spent half a year reading books about Islam, about the Middle East and Northern Africa, which led to a curiosity about other religions beyond the Roman Catholicism in which I’d been raised, about other cultures as well. This album and The Color Purple by Alice Walker were the two things in my teen years that woke me the fuck up.

Now the king told the boogie men You have to let that raga drop The oil down the desert way Has been shakin' to the top The sheik he drove his Cadillac He went a' cruisin' down the ville The muezzin was a' standing On the radiator grille

Synchronicity - The Police

This fucking album. This fucking album. This album reached deep down into me and pulled out my soul and kicked it around for awhile. Every single song on this album hit me like a brick wall. Still does. Most likely always will.

Listen, you either like King of Pain or you live it. There’s no in between.

There's a little black spot on the sun today It's the same old thing as yesterday There's a black hat caught in a high tree top There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop I have stood here before inside the pouring rain With the world turning circles running 'round my brain. I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign, But it's my destiny to be the king of pain...

Sign O’ The Times - Prince 

The soundtrack to my University days. Jesus, it starts out with “In France a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name,” and it just keeps going. Pain, sex, wonder, glory, politics, love. It’s all there. I wore the vinyl out on this one. Amazing, amazing album. In fact, I still play it so often my kids practically know it by heart, and they don’t even like Prince!

To this day I think If I Was Your Girlfriend is the sexiest song ever written.

I will tell you this much: Sayuri’s main writing soundtrack song is Starfish and Coffee off the album, the same song I used to sing my kids as a lullaby. This should tell you a lot about her.

Cynthia wore the prettiest dress With different color socks Sometimes I wondered if the mates where in her lunchbox Me and Lucy opened it when Cynthia wasn't around Lucy cried, I almost died, U know what we found? Starfish and coffee Maple syrup and jam Butterscotch clouds, a tangerine And a side order of ham If U set your mind free, honey Maybe you'd understand Starfish and coffee Maple syrup and jam

Nina Simone Sings The Blues - Nina Simone

This was one of my Daddy’s albums. He loved it and so did I. As a child I just loved the sound of her voice - something in it both soothed me and pulled at me, made me want to run and just keep running. She still makes me feel like that. If you don’t know Nina Simone I urge you to change that, right now. There’s nobody at all like her. She’s irreplaceable. All of her material is good, not just her blues songs. Not to mention, she was an absolute brilliant genius at the piano, never mind the strength she had as a Black woman in a time when doors were shut in her face on a daily basis. Seriously. Read about her.

When I became a woman, of course, her songs took on a much deeper meaning for me, one that I could relate to. Isn’t that the hallmark of a good album, though? One that stays with you and changes with you? I think so.

If you’ve never heard her cover of I Put A Spell On You then do yourself a favor and go right now and listen. You’re welcome.

Oh and Buck from this album? Nuo to Wing, right there.

Also one of the sexiest songs ever written, this one. Especially how she sings it. The Hot Frenchman (have I ever told you about The Hot Frenchman? no? OH BOY THERE’S A STORY) told me he thought it was about drugs and I was like, honey, this tells me a whole lot about you, more than you probably wanted it to.

I want a little sugar In my bowl I want a little sweetness Down in my soul I could stand some lovin' Oh so bad I feel so funny and I feel so sad I want a little steam On my clothes Maybe I can fix things up So they'll go Whatsa matter Daddy Come on, save my soul I need some sugar in my bowl I ain't foolin' I want some sugar in my bowl

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got - Sinéad O’Connor

This is a beautiful album, full of pain and joy, her hallmark. She sings every single word with everything in her; she’s far too intense for many, many people (and while she’s been open with her mental health struggles I’ve often wondered if she isn’t somewhere on the spectrum as well) but never for me. Her raw honesty has always appealed to me. She’s political, she’s a lover, a mother, a survivor of horrific abuse, someone who keeps reinventing herself as a way to find her way through pain. I always feel, when I am listening to her music, that I am bearing witness. I’m not afraid of pain; I’ve survived it as well. This album, one of her oldest, is still my favorite.

The line “You used to hold my hand when the plane took off” is the most evocative lyric I have ever heard with regards to the ending of love. It’s a punch to the heart - she felt it and she shared it with us, her fragile heart in her palms. Oh, Sinéad.

This is the last day of our acquaintance I will meet you later in somebody's office I'll talk but you won't listen to me I know what your answer will be I know you don't love me anymore You used to hold my hand when the plane took off Two years ago there just seemed so much more And I don't know what happened to our love

#personal #favorite albums #long post #Anonymous

[acescreations]

Roleplay Transcript (pt. 1)

So this is an old roleplay I got permission from my RP partner to post to my writing blog. I guess revisiting this is kind of a birthday gift to myself and also an apology gift to all of you guys for not writing for shit.

Warnings: Fighting, swearing, violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, homophobia, panic attacks

Ship(s): Platonic Analogical

Word Count: 12,553

When Logan went to school on his first day of junior year, he was filled with a strange sense of pride. Students shot glances at him, seemingly worried that Logan would for some reason pick a fight with them, which he would only really do if they were being a jerk and deserved it. Teachers read his name off the attendance list with a hopeless tone upon realizing they had Logan, before looking up with a disappointed resignation when they saw Logan's patch of electric blue hair. Logan had built up a reputation of being strong, of being tough. Just about every kid in school knew about him, whether they be the bullies he fought, the kids he was defending from the bullies, or just the people who saw the fights he was in.

Virgil’s first day at Mindset High was pretty scary. He didnt make friends easily, and he felt like everyone was judging him. He wore a soft lavender hoodie and royal purple sweat pants. Everyone seemed scared of this guy called Logan. I mean, he seemed so grumpy.. He sighed, sitting next to Logan.

Logan blinked in surprise as he watched another student sit down next to him. Most people tried to avoid him as much as possible, so he usually sat alone during class. Even when there were only enough desks for each student in the classroom, people usually pulled their desk a distance away after even the slightest glance from Logan. He guessed this kid sitting next to him hadn't heard of his reputation yet. Well, unfortunately for him, the two were in Logan's least favorite class: history. The class that Logan now associated with whitewashed nationalist propaganda, and arguing with the teacher.

Virgil decided that he would at least get to know this strange man that everyone seemed so.. reluctant to like？ “Uh, hello, I’m.. well, if..  I’m Virgil.” He said tamely, he hoped that they could.. maybe talk？A friend would be nice.

Logan looked over at Virgil with an even, if not cold, expression. That wasn't a name he recognized, so this was probably a new student, which explained why they were actually talking to him. "Logan," he said shortly. They'd learn soon enough that Logan was someone you didn't want to be associated with if you want to have even just a neutral social standing.

Virgil nodded nervously. The dude seemed to be angry at him？Did he provoke him？Should he move seats？ He sighed as he looked down at his work.

Logan put his feet up on the table in front of him, pulling out his phone as he waited for the teacher to, as he put it, "begin his attempt at brainwashing a class of impressionable teenagers."

“Today we shall learn about the history of people that.. well.. people who.. the homosexuals.. and.. others.” Virgil was completely stunned, before immediately grtting dissapointed. “Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.” He mumbled.

"Oh hell no," Logan said out loud. Literally everyone in the room probably already guessed about Logan not being straight, so he didn't have anything to lose from being vocal about his distaste over the lesson. "Oh, FUCK no." Underneath his iwn complaining, however, he heard Virgil's much more quiet complaint. Okay, so this guy is actually pretty chill. That's good to know. By "chill" Logan meant "not a smallminded conservative" but those pretty much meant the same thing to him.

Virgil sighed. “This.. is fine.” He said. He was a closeted gay boy, he didnt need this. “Now, this shall be respectful..” The teacher rolled her eyes. “Now, what do we know about.. you know.. those people.”

Logan heard what Virgil said, but to him, this most certainly was not fine. He had already picked his battles, and he picked all of them. "If it's gonna be respectful then why don't you just say the word 'Gay'?" he yelled at the teacher.

The class went dead silent. Virgil sighed softly. If someone found out he was gay, he would die on the inside. “Well, as you all know, the bible said that homosexuals.. will rot in hell.”

"FALSEHOOD!" Logan screamed, slamming his hands on the table as he stood up. "Respectful my ass! And how is this even history?!" Logan would go on, but if he's learned anything from the debate team, it's to let people keep saying stupid shit for Logan to prove wrong.

“Homosexuality is a diease. Now, now more recent years, we have homosexuality shoved down our throats. This is causing more parents to force their children to be gay. This all started because a black trans-” “Please stop talking..” Virgil groaned, tempted to just bash his head into the table.

"Gayness is NOT a disease," Logan said, smacking his hand on the table as he began talking over the teacher. "It's a human characteristic just like height or eye color. Gayness is NOT being 'shoved down our throats,'" he smacked the table again, "people are just getting introduced to labels they didn't originally have. Parents are NOT forcing their children to be gay-" smack "- most are actually beating and throwing their children out of their homes for being gay. But you know what? You just keep talking. Maybe one of these days you'll actually say something intelligent."

“You come from a biased pretense！You only see the side of the homosexuals, thats why you are one of the-” “OH, FOR FUCKS SAKE, CHANGE THE GOD DAMN SUBJECT YOU-” “Damn pastel！Didnt know you could speak.” A guy called out.

Logan immediately turned and shot a glare at the person who insulted Virgil, forgetting the current feud with the teacher for a moment. "If you're going to waste oxygen like that, at least keep it relevant to the conversation." Logan then turned back to the teacher. "You're the fucking biased one, you homophobe!" he shouted, pointing a finger at the teacher as he leaned nearly halfway across the table to yell at him.

“I am not a homophobe！I like.. the lesbians.” The teacher smirked, as Virgil began to laugh. Hes just,, this teacher, how did you get a job？ ”Fine. We will move onto a differ-”

For once in his life, Logan is so stunned by by what he's hearing reaches a loss for words. "How did you even get your teaching degree, you fucking creep?"

“I try to act respectful, and you insult me？I think people like you just stir up drama to draw attention to yourself.” Virgil had stopped laughing. He felt.. guilty. He shouldnt have laughed. Maybe the teacher was right？

Logan went completely silent, his hands curling into fists. "Don't. You. Ever. Generalize me. Like that." Then, to make sure he didn't try to physically fight his teacher, he walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

Virgil watched Logan leave, watched everyone whispering about how freaky Logan was. How gay he was.. Virgil stayed quiet and refused to speak to anyone.

Logan stormed down the hallway, absolutely fuming. He ended up in the school's gym, knowing there wasn't a gym class that period. He let out a shout of frustration as he punched a wall, which hurt, obviously, but it satisfied him and let out some of his anger. After that he just stood there, fist against the wall, breathing heavily.

Virgils scheduele was lost, so he asked around for his next class. They led him to the schools gym, and left him there, lost and confused. Time to make an unlikely friend.

Logan had since moved to sit on the bleachers, glancing up to glare as Virgil entered the gym. He was currently in a mindset that nobody would be friendly towards him, especially right now.

Virgil felt the glare, but sighed. He did promise Patton to make one friend at this god forsaken hell hole. He slowly walks up to Logan. “Uhrm, hi？”

"What do you want?" Logan growled. He recognized that this was the person who was sitting beside him in history, but he still felt like he'd antagonize Logan anyway. Most people did anyway.

He gave Logan a weak smile. “A..Are you okay？” He tilted his head. ”And where is the rest of our class？” He expected at least one othed person to come in. Poor thing.

"I'm fine," Logan snapped defensively, in a counter-productive attempt at convincing Virgil that that was actually true. "And there isn't a class in here right now." Logan didn't have a gym class at all. He was actually skipping a class right now, but it wasn't like his teacher would miss him anyway.

“Oh..” He stammered, looked down at the floor guiltily. “Do you know where S7 is？” He rubbed the back of his neck. “And.. wait. Why arent you in class.. oh.”

Logan sighed as he stood up. "Yeah, come on." He gestured for Virgil to follow him with a small shrug of a shoulder.

Virgil smiled. “Thank you, Logan.” He said softly, following behind him, glad that Logan would do this for him.

Logan shrugged as he began leading Virgil to his classroom. "Whatever," he muttered. Whatever it took to get himself his alone time in the gym. He doubted it would do Virgil's social reputation much good to see him with Logan, though.

“To be honest, that ass of a teacher really should be fired. What kind of creep just likes lesbians？” He tried to make small talk.

"Basically the entire American public does, actually." Logan was pretty sure it was a rhetorical question, but it wasn't like he was wrong, he thought.

“oh.. well.. thats..” Virgil sighed. “Why were you there alone instead of hanging out with friends？” He seemed rather done.

Logan glanced back at Virgil, although he didn't stop walking. "Because there are classes going on right now," Logan said. It was true, although Logan wasn't hanging out with friends because he didn't have any. He just wasn't going to tell Virgil that.

“Dont you have a badass like, gang？Like everyone says？” He tilted his head, very confused. “Oh.. are you.. uh..” He was genuinely confused.

"A gang?" Logan said in mild surprise and disbelief. That was seriously what people said about him? Logan guessed he underestimated his own reputation.

“Yeah. Also, apparently you dont like when people steal your role, so you are going to beat my ass. If you are, then I guess do it here.” He has no fear for death anymore. This school sucked any hope of caring out of him.

"What exactly do people say my role is then?" Logan hadn't intended on carrying on a conversation for this long, or really at all, but he couldn't help but be curious as to what people said about him.

He stared up at the sky, he really didnt want to say this. Dear god, please strike him with lighting. Oh, no lighting？F- “You’re the bad boy that all the girls swoon over. Apparently you’re soft and sweet on the inside.” He scoffed slightly. His defense is up.

Logan stiffened as he continued walking, gagging a little. That was it. It was official. Logan hated his reputation. He supposed he'd have to work harder on establishing his reputation as being stone cold and heartless. He wasn't going to stop picking fights with bigots though, he knew that much. "Well, here's your class," he said to Virgil, stopping in front of a classroom before immediately turning go back to the gym instead of the class he had that period.

“Thanks Logan.” He gave him a weak grin. “Logan Man, Fighting off bigots day after day.” He scoffed, before it turned to a light giggle, and Virgil went into class. What a dork. A nice dork.

Logan glanced back as he walked off, turning back after Virgil walked into class. As he neared the gym again, he glanced down at his left knuckles. After punching the wall, they became red and sore, and Logan was starting to regret punching the wall. His hand still stung.

This is why you dont start a war on walls, you idiot. Virgils class exprience was.. intresting. They made up rumors about him and Logan, and Virgil wanted to vomit. Love always made him feel weird and uncomfortable, but hes absolutely sure hes just gay.

Logan sat back down in the gym bleachers. He didn't know what he was doing back here instead of going to class. He guessed he pretty much didn't want to hear whatever his classmates would say about him. That was actually the first time he stormed out in the middle of class like that, and he assumed that was what people would be talking about right now.

They began to gossip about Logan having a girlfriend, boyfriend, and then him being in a gang. Now they all think Logans a fucking gang leader. Good luck talking to anyone, Logie.

After sitting in the gym with nothing to do for a while, Logan stood back up and headed to the band room. That was where he usually went when he wanted alone time, the gym had just been closer that time. As he walked down, he realized that being a musician probably contributed to people thinking he's "soft and sweet on the inside" but fuck it. Music is probably the reason he doesn't throw hands with every mildly unpleasant person in his vicinity.

Virgil cant stop laughing at the pure idiocity, wanting to just record this and send it to Logan... Eh, later. Once he befriends Logan. He nods to himself as the bell rung. Now he could go find Logan！And hang out with him！

Logan had just reached the band room by the time the bell rang. "God dammit," he said loudly. Now he'd have to choose between letting out some energy and missing another class. Logan sat down behind the drumset in the room, pulling out his phone and earbuds. He figured his teacher wouldn't miss him, and really, who cares if the teacher calls his house? Who gives a shit? Certainly not him. So he put on a pair of fingerless gloves he kept with him, turned on his music, and played along to American Idiot.

Virgil was going to class, but heard... music？He quietly walks towards the sounds, peering in. They had a music room？！ Logan plays music？！ He quietly attempted to sneak in, to be able to hear better. He ended up tripping into a guitar, miraculously not breaking it.

Most people would've heard Virgil tripping as he snuck in, but not only was Logan listening to really loud music, but he was also playing a really loud instrument. But really, neither of those things meant much, because Logan was in The Zone. It would take a lot to break his focus.

Virgil was extremely impressed. Logan really was in the mood. He sat on the floor, just admiring the music.

Logan looked up once the song had ended, quickly pulling out his earbuds and jolting upwards once he saw Virgil sitting there. "What the hell are you doing here?"

“...Uhhhhh, I thought this was the cafeteria？Nice pl-playing.” He quickly stood up, immediately smackin into a cupboard and just sighing softly.

"Of course this isn't the fucking cafeteria, do you see any tabl-" Logan went quiet for a moment when he saw the knocked over guitar. He practically threw himself over the drumset as he ran to check on the guitar, because despite the fact that the school technically owned all of the instruments, that was Logan's Guitar. "The fuck did you do?!" Logan shouted as he checked the guitar over for any damage.

He quickly stood up. “See-ing a-as this isnt the cafeteria, I-I’m going to-” He began to speed for thr door.

Logan looked back up once he was sure his guitar was alright. Once he saw Virgil heading for the door, it occurred to him what he had just done. "I, I didn't mean to snap," he said apologetically, rubbing the back of his head as he looked away from Virgil. This new body language was a complete change from how he usually acts.

Virgil paused, reluctantly rubbing the back of his neck. “U-Uh, oh, ok-okay. I’m.. I’m sorry. You.. You clearly werent..” All words just seemed to die in his mouth.

Logan sighed as he stood back up. "Whatever, just, try not to knock any instruments over, okay?" Logan mumbled as he began walking past Virgil out the door. Okay, so he didn't mumble, but compared to how clearly he normally speaks he might as well have been.

"Thank you, L-Logan." He stammered. He didnt move, just awkwardly standing there. "O-Oh, uh, of course.. Uh, can I sit with you at lunch?" He managed through jumbled stammering.

Logan glanced back at Virgil as he walked out, trying to understand the logic of wanting to be around somebody who just yelled at you for something that wasn't intentional. Logan was hoping it wasn't anything like Logan being nice, because if Logan was the nicest person Virgil knew, well that's just sad. "Sure, whatever." Logan shrugged. He didn't actually know if he was actually going to stay until lunch, since he had been planning on leaving for the rest of the day. He shrugged at himself as he left the band room. Logan supposed he'd find out by lunch.

Virgil just followed after him, quietly. Hey, Logans the nicest guy here at this hell hole of a school, Well, the nicest guy he has met. He looks around, feeling awkward. Oh god. Why is he bothering Logan. He doesnt want you here. Just leave. "Uh-"

Logan attempted to continue walking as normal, despite the ever present awareness of Virgil following him. After all, by the looks of this kid, he's definitely harmless. Although after a while it became hard to ignore the little lost puppy of Virgil. "What are you following me for?" Logan asked over his shoulder. "Don't you have a class or something?" Honestly, how is anyone supposed to let out some steam when someone is following them everywhere?

Virgil flinched. "uh.. yeah.. sure.." He mumbled, and he quickly left. He didnt know why he cared so much. Oh wait, yes he did. Because he wanted Logan's friend. Why? Because he found Logan cool.

Logan sighed once Virgil left. He didn't really know why. Was he disappointed? Logan actually thought he might be. That was probably the longest anyone had ever voluntarily been around him, after all. Either way, Logan still had no idea what to do at this point, especially considering that if he left before school ended he'd definitely have to deal with the consequences soon enough.

Virgil headed off into the bathroom. He just needed somewhere to stay calm, and clear his head. Everything just made him feel horrible. He quietly locked himself into a stall, keeping himself quiet.

Logan leaned against a wall in the hallway, getting out his phone as he debated his options. If he left school now, Virgil wouldn't have to worry about his mistake of wanting to be around him during lunch, but his mom would be pissed if she found out he didn't even stay half of the day. But if he stayed and went to class, he'd half a lot of pent up anger with him during class, and his home had probably already been called due to him not having made it to this class period, so he'd still probably hear about it anyway.

Virgil calmed himself down, and went back outside. He looked around, wondering if Logan was still around. He.. He hoped so. He is not going to that hell hole alone.

Logan sighed as he put his phone away, finally heading to class. He was pretty sure that it was the world's most stupid desicion for Virgil to want to be anywhere near him, but as a new kid who clearly had no idea how to survive in this school, he probably wouldn't be very safe if he was alone during lunch.

Virgil quietly sighed, deciding to go to class. He hid his eyes with his hair. He slunk into the back of the class, trying to keep away from everyone.

Logan managed to keep himself from throwing hands for the rest of his morning class, heading down to the lunchroom afterwards. He stood against a wall and watched people enter without personally eating.

Once that hellish excuse for a class was done, Virgil quietly found Logan and walked up to him. “Uh, hi.”

Logan looked over at Virgil, honestly kind of surprised that he committed to his decision to spend the lunch period with Logan. "Hey," he said briefly, looking back across the room.

He gave him a pathetic grin, trying to not be awkward, but the boy radiates awkward. “Uh, uhm, er, hi.” He began to play with his hands, biting his lip.

"You don't talk to people much, do you?" Logam didn't look back at Virgil as he spoke. Was he hoping Virgil would decide Logan actually was unpleasant to be around and leave? Yeah, Logan thought he was.

“N-Not really.” He mumbled, not moving, copying Logans pose. He wasnt exactly enjoying the people staring at him, but hes happy having a friend.

Logan's surprise grew as Virgil started copying him. He didn't know why, but that was really unexpected. "Aren't you going to eat or something?" Logan was determined to not let his surprise, or really any other emotion, show.

Virgil shook his head, deciding a verbal response wasnt worth it. Plus, the food looked like slop. He fidgetted with his hands, trying to spark a conversation.

Logan glanced over at Virgil, trying to figure out what to do in this situation. God, this kid is making me more awkward just by being around me. It's a wonder he's survived this long.

Virgil thought about his family. His family sucked. It would be nice to know what raised that hardcore lad. “Uh... Whats your family like？” He said softly. God fUcking damn it, Virgil. You cant ask about anything N O RM A L-

The change in Logan's posture was immediate. His back straightened, his shoulders became more squared, his hands tightened into fists. "Why do you care?" Logan's voice was cold and hard as knives.

Virgil shrunk back, his eyes wide. “I-I dont know？I’m just trying to make conversations..” He trailed off, going silent. Wait. Why was Logan caring so much. “Oh god, are you an orp-”

Logan scoffed at that second comment, giving Virgil the slightest shake of his head and somehow managing to make those small actions violent and angry. I wish I was that lucky.

Virgil flinched. He felt his heart race at those angry movements. “Uh, er.. sorry.” Virgil practically sped off, he feels sick.

Logan turned and watched him go. If he were in any other mood, he'd probably feel bad for scaring Virgil like that. But right now he didn't even care, he simply turned back to glare at the rest of the people in the room.

The whispers of the room continued, questioning Logan and why he doesnt like his family

Logan didn't say anything to anyone, although when he heard someone talking about him he'd shoot a glare at them to get them to shut up.

The cafeteria was awkward and quiet. Nobody wanted to talk to Logan, or get beaten up.

Eventually Logan got tired of the stares and went back to the gym. He would've went to the band room, but there was a class there at the time, so he had to go with the next best thing.

Virgil was sitting behind the bleachers, desperately trying to calm himself. Logan hates him. Everyone hates him. He hates this hell-hole of a school.

Logan didn't notice Virgil as he came in, walking over to a padded part of the wall so he could punch it and not hurt himself again. He punched the wall, then drew his hand back and punched again, and again, and again. He hated his mother. He hated every single boyfriend she had ever had. He hated this school. He hated that he was always alone. He hated that this one time somebody actually wanted to be around him, he was determined to scare them off. He hated everything right now.

The punches just terrified Virgil even more. Oh great. Now a murderer was after him. He let out a strangled gasp, as his world began to spin round, making Virgil shake.

Logan paused when he heard the gasp behind him. He turned and finally noticed Virgil behind him, and of course it was only after he started panicking. Logan stood there, trying to figure out if he should go try to help, considering he was probably the thing causing Virgil to panic and being closer might just make it worse.

He couldnt breathe. The gasps became more frequent. Fuck. Hes gonna die here. Hes gonna die alone. Jesus this is getting sad.

Soon enough, Logan decided on walking over, kneeling down in front of Virgil. It wasn't like he was getting any better without Logan interacting. "Hey, Virgil?" Logan started in the most even voice he could produce. "I'm gonna need you to calm down, can you do that? Just focus on breathing." Fuck, is this what you're supposed to do? Logan honestly didn't have a clue, but from what he did know about panic attacks this seemed like an appropriate response.

Virgil trembles, before his blood stopped. Logan. “I-I’m sorry！I’m sorry！I-I-I-I...” He hears that Logans hear to help. “I-I cant- I-I’m a failure！”

Upon hearing Virgil's words, Logan's hands curled into fists. He was immediately ready to fight on behalf of someone he didn't even know. Then Logan reminded himself that right now, fighting was not in fact going to help. He took a deep breath, forcing his hands to relax again before continuing to talk to Virgil. "No, you're not a failure, there's no need to be sorry." Logan slowly reached out and took one of Virgil's hands in his own, checking for his reaction.

Virgil jolted, scramming away, apologizing. “I said- I said sorry！P-Please.. Leave me alone.” He sobbed. “I-I-I-” He felt his throat constrict.

Logan quickly pulled his hands away from Virgil, feeling guilt like a stab in his gut. This was all because of him, wasn't it? Maybe he should just leave, Virgil did tell Logan to leave him alone, didn't he? And Logan was pretty sure he just made it worse because he had no idea how to help, so Virgil would probably be better off if Logan left him alone.

Virgil whimpers, god hes so pathetic. Such a useless person. “Pathetic.. Useless..” He mumbled softly, looking away from Logan. The attack was beginning to die down, but he wouldnt be calm for a while.

Logan opened his mouth, about to correct Virgil on what he was saying about himself, but then he hesitated, and soon closed his mouth again. Logan looked down at the floor as he slowly stood back up and left, his endgoal being the doors leading out of the school. Logan officially decided he was done with being around people for a good while. Logan easily ignored the stares of the people in the halls. Most people took one look at Logan's overall demeanor and knew not to stare, so Logan was able to get out the school doors without even being interuppted.

Virgil made sure to keep close to Logan. He felt so guilty, he can’t believe he was so stupid. He had to have Logan come help him from a panic attack！All he is, is a panicky, clingy, failure.

Logan sighed and turned around as he got outside the door, facing Virgil. "Don't you have something better to do? Like class or something?" Logan was trying not to snap, especially since Virgil had just gotten out of a panic attack, but his voice was still harsh. Logan just wanted an escape from people, and now this little lost puppy of a person was becoming the first and only obstacle to that.

He kept his mouth shut. He felt so awkward. Like he owed Logan and apology. For seeing that. For seeing how much of a mess he was.. Yeah, he left soon after Logan spoke.

Logan walked away from the school after that, although he didn't really know where he was going. All he really knew at the time was that he wanted to escape from people, despite the fact that he didn't know where he could go that didn't have people. Logan ended up going over to the park, deciding that the park would have the least amount of people. After a while Logan had calmed down enough to tolerate human connection again, and walked down to the local café, because despite its black color, the fabric of Logan's jacket did little to protect him from the cold. He almost smiled as he walked through the door of the café, looking at the pride flag sticker on the window. Logan sat down in a booth, although since he was a regular the staff weren't expecting him to order anything.

Virgil was nervous. He had gotten lost on his way home, and was walking down to a cafe. He was hungry, after all. He looked at his phone, cringing at its dead battery. But he managed to smile. Today started off great, at least. Logan was.. his friend？Well, he seemed to begin to tolerate Virgil. And hes fine with that. He ordered a cup with a long list of ingredients. His own list of “Fuck me up” ingredients.

Logan didn't notice Virgil walking in. He had started dozing off in his seat when a waiter walked over, giving him a plate of eggs and toast. "It's on the house. You look like you could use it," they said with a smile as they left the table. They were right about that; Logan hadn't eaten all day. Logan glanced back over, guilt weighing down his shoulders as he began eating. He glanced over at his phone as he ate. The only reason it wasn't dead was because he was at the table with the outlet. That was basically His Table and both the visitors and staff knew this. Once Logan finished eating, he put his head atop his hand and began dozing off again. The poor kid hadn't slept well in ages.

The waitress did NOT look happy that Virgil had such a long list, but, he paid and ordered it, so she had to. When he asked for an outlet seat, he was pointed into Satan- I mean, Logans direction. “Oh, hi Logan.” Virgil said softly, holding his head phone.

Logan was partially asleep at the time, although he had trained himself to not fall asleep entirely, so when he heard his name he was immediately awake and alert. He put his arm down on the table as he looked at Virgil. "Hey," he said shortly, realizing that this was the kid from school, which meant school was over. Logan hadn't really been paying attention.

“Uh, Uhmm...” He felt really awakward.. Was there any other outlet booths？Logan looked like he would murder Virgil if he sat there.

Logan raised an eyebrow at Virgil, drumming his fingers against the table. Honestly, if there was anywhere that he was least likely to murder someone, it was that café. It was quite honestly the most comfortable place he had ever been in, and he wasn't about to throw that away by getting into a fight.

Virgil looked away. They say, if you look Logan in the eye, you’ll turn into stone. “Sorry. I’ll just take the bus.” Yes. The bus. That he has no.clue about. Tbh, If I were Virgil？I’d rather walk.

Logan stared at Virgil. What the hell was he talking about? "We don't have a bus." Did Virgil just move here? Also why was he talking about a bus inside a café? What the hell was his train of thought?

Transfer student. Yes, he did just move here. Thats.. Thats kinda why he wasnt as fearful of Logan. ”Oh.” He said simply. “Fu-”

Logan sighed in confusion as he looked away from Virgil, bringing up his hand again to set his head on and closing his eyes. He didn't have any sort of obligation to interact with Virgil, so if he wasn't going to actually say anything then Logan was going to try to stock up on light sleep.

“ck.” He sighed. He awkwardly shuffled into the booth, just wanting to charge his phone, man.

Logan opened his eyes again, having expected Virgil to just stand awkwardly or leave. He glanced at the coffee Virgil had as he sat down, reading the ingredient label. "That's incredibly unhealthy for you." Logan didn't know why he was starting conversation when he could be sleeping, but he was aware of how much Virgil's coffee could fuck someone up.

“Eh. Nobody really cares.” He took a sip, waiting for his phone to do him a favour and charge. One percent, and the most aggressive spam of messages blasts through his phone. “Oh. I’m popular today.” He muttered. Of course, his parents had guests today. They had to pretend they cared.

Logan watched the phone screen as the messages showed up on the screen. Honestly he was pretty surprised by the spam, he barely ever got any messages, and he definitely didn't remember the last time his mom texted him. She generally saved her barrage of harassment for when they were face-to-face. He genuinely didn't think whatever the messages were about could be good.

They werent. They were degrading messages about his intelligence. “Ah！My mom.. uh, says that.. I gotta go.. God, shes so kind.” He made a convincing act. “See you, Punk.” He gave him a pathethically weak smile. He had no way home. Sadness hours.

Logan didn't believe the act for a second. Everything he read on that screen were things he could practically hear his mother saying to him, and "kind" wasn't even the last word he'd use to describe her. Nonetheless, he understood the need to get home. Logan sighed at the smile. Honestly it was kind of sad. "You don't know where you're going, do you?" Logan asked, deadpan. Seeing how lost Virgil was in school, the entire town probably seemed like an actual maze to him.

Virgil flinched at the deadpan tone. “Ah, well, uhrm, yeah..” He muttered, allowing his bangs to cover his eyes. “I’ll find my way home, I dont need a gang member to escort me.” He muttered, a bit of a bitter tone in his voice. He doesnt know why he said that. Maybe to drive Logan away？But he adored Logan！Logan was so cool.. God damn, you stalker, stop thinking about him！ “...sorry.” He muttered, getting up.

Logan sighed and looked away. Gang member. Is that really how people saw him? He only meant to scare off jerks and bigots, and he honestly wanted to be supportive of basically anyone who got picked on or bullied. Apparently those people couldn't trust him either. He knew he couldn't be surprised though, nobody in their right mind would trust somebody who got so angry they had to punch a wall to feel just a little better. "Whatever," Logan muttered. "I just hope you know that everyone's gonna assume you're queer now." Logan jabbed a finger towards the pride flag sticker he had looked at on the way in.

The look of sheer terror as he saw the said flag was hilarious. He had tried his best to act like a straight guy. “I’m straight.” He mumbled. “Uhm, are you gay, Logan？”

Logan almost laughed at what was to him an obvious lie. Almost. "I think I'm as straight as you are." Straight as a rainbow, that is.

Virgil looked afraid. But then again, when hes with Logan... Wait. Beforehand, Virgil wasnt scared or worried. Aww！You turned someone who, rather blindly, trusted you, against you！But isnt that what you do best, Logan？

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #roleplay #logan sanders #virgil sanders #punk logan #pastel virgil #tw fighting #tw swearing #tw violence #tw verbal abuse #tw emotional abuse #verbal abuse #emotional abuse #tw homophobia #TW panic attack

[xerospaced]

So i was curious as to whether a meltdown could be catatonic

As I feel, on an emotional level, that I am having a meltdown but rather than the crying/rocking/moaning/stimming/hyperventilating and what have you

I'm stuck

Like i managed to sit up to plug my phone in coz an hour or so ago coz it hit 1%

But otherwise I've been locked in this position for about 4 hours.

So anyway, I google catatonic meltdown to see if it's a thing

Lo and behold!

Not only is it a thing

But I've been having catatonic episodes for weeks IF NOT MONTHS

The lack of initiation, agitation, limited movement, limited speech, slowness (and I mean wow fucking slowness!! Im moving so slow I am losing literal HOURS without realising it)...

Ykno what

Lemme just post a screencap of the list of presentations

And... it is presentations in autism - I was searching meltdowns so makes sense

What I'm saying is that I have [and have had in various combinations over the past weeks/months] ALL OF THESE FUCKING SYMPTOMS

Even down to the grimacing ayfkm

And the only reason I even noticed the grimacing was coz i realised it was happening a few weeks ago but couldn't seem to stop it and I thought it was fucking odd.

Aggression and difficulty initiating actions CHECK AND FUCKING CHECK- it's getting our of hand.

Hesitations. Repetitive movements! My back is FUCKED coz i can't maintain a suitable seated position for longer than im stuxk thinking about it.

I legit feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I'm not here.

Weirdly... scary to know this is it's own thing I'm experiencing. Daunting. But also - I've been dealing with this my whole life. No exaggeration. Sometimes I have months where I'm clear. But I would say I experience at least half of any one of these given symptoms at any given time.

That's....

Incredibly fucking upsetting if I'm honest.

I kept thinking that one day I would just figure it out.

I will be able to move when I want to. Eat when I should. Pull myself away from my interests when I wish. Not lost untold time getting stuck repeating the same motion with no end goal. Urinate when my bladder is full rather than the last second where my body is right about to override my fuggen brain! Work when I want to work!

But the aggression. These past days. I put it down to PMS - I'm sure it's played it's part. But last weeks. The consistent agitation. The inability to perform any necessary task. Falling behind on my work. The absolutely NOTHING mood. But agitation gnawing away consistently.

I feel like a powder keg.

I have no support.

I have no diagnosis [it's become impossible to believe that I'm wrong about my suspicions of ASD at this point].

I have no idea how to manage it.

And all the live long day it's "try this and try this and figure this out" and I just want to fucking scream because my brain is NOT WORKING!

What's the solution that fixes the line between I WANT to do something and me Actually doing it!?

I want to play sims but even something I actively enjoy I miss out on because I can not initiate action.

Yes, I find it easier to accomplish tasks when I am around people. BUT I AM ALONE 95% OF THE TIME. Soon to be something closer to 99.

SO.......!!??

And I feel guilty

I feel shitty

I'm underperforming!

I work quickly and to a high standard but I'm lagging because I can't start. Or I do start but I can't maintain course.

Im still stuck in the same twisted position as when I started typing this 20 mins ago and I'm sure it hurts but I cant even tell if it hurts anymore.

I can't remember what natural hunger feels like. I'm talking ravenous or nothing - mostly nothing.

And there's been so much going on lately.

And all I'm hearing is what I'm not doing.

What I need to improve.

Where I'm falling short.

Do more. Do More. DO MORE.

My moods are shifting too quick for me to log them. Not that it matters anyway coz I lack the ability to initiate that fucking task too.

There are so many things I want to do. And I know exactly how I want to be living. And I know (from the short few months in which I actually managed it) how good it feels to live the way I want.

But I can't make it happen.

I can't even decide if I should feed myself rn.

All this shit going on has not had me mentally stressed - at points, I'm not exactly big on stressing or worrying - but what has become undeniable is that it has fucked me on a functional basis.

I'm not steering the ship. And I don't know how to take control.

And I'm on a fucking 11 month waiting list for an autism assessment.

When I say life has been Hard.

The ADHD that was only diagnosed last year, the likely undiagnosed ASD, also diagnosed last year was the autoimmune connective tissue disease. Major depressive disorder. Multiple forms of anxiety. The misdiagnosed bpd. And then IF WE REALLY HAVE TO let's add on the self-harm, failed suicide attempt(s), ostracisation, emotional abuse, physical abuse, being literally left for dead, the plethora of hospitalizations as a child, childhood emotional neglect, abandonment, overlooked behavioural issues, teenage self-medicating, bullying, and fuggen MORE

I mean

Life

Is

Fuxking

HARD.

With a brain and a body that won't connect (and is also trying to destroy me for shits and giggles).

And I'm still wanting to keep going.

At this point... purely out of spite.

Because fuck this hand I've been dealt. But Fuck Me if I'm not a sharp son of a bitch! Ima play the fuck out of em.

Almost 27 years I've dragged myself through misery and I'm still in it.

I refuse to tap out now. I got no choice but to make it worth something. To make it matter. To make my existence mean more than a stupid fucking mistake the universe has been trying to erase.

I gotta be in this for Something.

This can't be all life has to give me.

Surely.

#i wanna say... longest post ive made but i think not #catatonic #catatonic meltdown #catatonia #asd #autism #not dx #mental illness #adhd #mental health #chronic illness #uctd #. #big sad #big sigh #mine

[dear-wormwoods]

Was there a moment in the book between eddie and richie that had you start thinking maybe there were deeper feelings between the two?

Like as in the earliest moment in the book where I started to go ‘hmmm’ on the very first read through?? Anon that was a long time ago!!! 

Okay so, assuming I am 14 years old and reading IT for the very first time, without that much practice interpreting symbolism and without the world knowledge needed to make certain connections that seem so obvious to me now as an adult, and I’m just casually reading the novel having only ever watched the miniseries as a little kid… these are the moments that probably jumped out at me first: 

For Eddie, it was The Dam in The Barrens (aka one of the most meaty chapters for Eddie analysis)

When Richie makes his entrance in the flashback, the first thing he does is pinch Eddie’s cheek. Then we get Eddie quietly observing Richie’s face when he’s being uncharacteristically solemn. Shortly after, Richie winks at him. 

And then we get THIS:

‘Ben, Eddie saw, was looking at Richie with a mixture of awe and wariness. Eddie could understand that.’

And this little reference:

‘….Richie’s sometimes enchanting, often exhausting charm.’

And then this:

“Oh—you mean it was your idea, Eds? Jesus, I’m sorry.” He fell down in front of Eddie and began salaaming wildly again. 

“Get up, stop it, you’re splattering mud on me!” Eddie cried. 

Richie jumped to his feet a second time and pinched Eddie’s cheek. “Cute, cute, cute!” Richie exclaimed. 

“Stop it, I hate that!”

And finally: 

‘A piece of Red Cross adhesive tape was wrapped around one of the bows of his glasses, and the loose end flapped against his cheekbone as he worked. Bill caught Eddie’s eye, smiled a little, and shrugged. It was just Richie.’

This is all in the span of like… four pages, and it’s relevant that our very first introduction to Richie as a kid is through Eddie’s eyes, and that he spends the whole sequence inner monologuing about how great yet confusing Richie is. 14-year-old me definitely picked up on the ‘this guy teases me playfully and I pretend to hate it but I’m actually obsessed with him’ dynamic.

But I need to stop and meta for a second because this chapter is FULL of Eddie subtext and most of it flew over my head 15 years ago:

Before we’re even introduced to kid!Richie, adult Eddie reflects on, and admits to the reader, that he actually liked when Richie called him Eds because it was a secret identity Richie bestowed upon him. He also informs the reader that as a kid people made fun of him by using homophobic slurs, and that Bill was not one of those people. It is so important that the chapter which contains an almost absurd amount of gay coding begins with those two things: that as a kid Eddie had more thoughts about Richie than he let on, and that Eddie was not just targeted by bullies for his asthma, but also for his sexuality. 

As the chapter goes on, it becomes very clear that when Richie calls him Eds, Eddie doesn’t always react to it. He reacts to it only when it’s accompanied by something flirtatious, a cheek pinch or a ‘cute’. This is the part that makes Eddie say he hates it, therefore it’s also the part he secretly likes. Also, when Eddie is watching Richie in that typical Eddie way where he can somehow make poorly taped up glasses sound poetic and delicate - Bill catches him in the act of staring, perfectly nonjudgmental. It’s important that it’s Bill who catches his eye - it connects back to the beginning of the chapter when he specifically states that Bill never called him a “sissy queerboy”. Bill never judges.

And then, of course, this scene leads right into Eddie’s recollection of the hobo sexually soliciting him, solidly drawing a connection between Eddie’s fear of sexuality and his fear of rotting/disease. Sandwiched between the real hobo and the IT leper encounter, there’s a short scene where Eddie tells Bill and Richie about what happened. Richie asks Eddie if he ‘knows about fucking’ and Eddie’s reaction is that he ‘hoped he wasn’t blushing’.

Then - THEN!! - Bill references gay sex, and in the same beat Richie says syphilis makes you rot, inadvertently creating a subconscious connection for Eddie between those two things. Sex gives you diseases.Sex makes you rot. Men can have sex with other men. If you have sex, sex with men, you get a disease, and you rot. It’s not a coincidence that after this conversation, not only is Eddie DRAWN to the house own Neibolt Street and pictures himself as the rotting hobo, when he eventually does encounter IT as the leper, it’s extra rotten and hones in on the blowjob solicitation… I mean, come on. 

For Richie, it was the following chapter, Georgie’s Room and the House on Neibolt Street:

So like, the possibility that Richie had a school-yard crush on Eddie had already crossed my mind before this because of him winking at Eddie and calling him cute and stuff in the previous chapter. But this chapter definitely cemented it because it’s from Richie’s POV and there is one obvious standout…

“They’ll all pinch my cheek and tell me how much I’ve grown,” Eddie said. 

“That’s cause they know how cute you are, Eds—just like me. I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you.”

The SMOOTHNESS of it all. Richie has this wonderful ability to blatantly confess his feelings without ever being taken seriously for it. Can you imagine if Ben told Bev “I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you”? It’s true, that’s exactly what happened. But would he ever say that to her at this point in time? NO! Because it’s very obviously FLIRTY LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT SHIT! But because it’s Richie and he’s cultivated a very specific persona where everything is done for laughs, he can just… make that kind of statement like it’s normal. Hiding in plain sight. 

More meta things from this chapter that flew over my head 15 years ago:

First, way before the movie scenes, Richie has to make sure no one is looking before comforting Bill because they are out in public on the street and he assumes that other people would think he’s gay for… patting his friend on the back to try to get him to stop crying. Compare this to his easy physicality with Eddie down in The Barrens - physicality that is much more likely to be interpreted as flirtatious if anyone saw - and it’s very obvious that Richie is hyper-vigilant about being seen, publicly, as anything but straight. In The Barrens, it doesn’t matter - they tell Officer Nell mere pages before this that The Barrens is where they can all be themselves. Richie is himself in The Barrens, when he’s pinching Eddie’s cheek and calling him cute. Out on the street, he can’t even do something as normal and expected as comforting his crying friend without worrying about the potential ramifications of it. 

Second, when Richie meets up with Bev and reflects on how pretty she is, he gets all flustered and shit. And although nothing here involves Eddie, we do get this iconic line and perfect insight into Richie’s behavior:

‘Richie, as he usually did in such moments of confusion, took refuge in absurdity.’

His immediate, instinctual response to this confusing, uncomfortable newfound attraction to Beverly is to… throw himself on the ground and comically praise her, do Voices, and generally act like an idiot. Who does he act this way around the most? You guessed it! Eddie Kaspbrak!

It’s also in this chapter that we’re introduced to Richie’s thoughts on the teenage werewolf:

‘The Teenage Werewolf was somehow scarier, though … perhaps because he also seemed a little sad. What had happened wasn’t his own fault. There was this hypnotist who had fucked him up, but the only reason he’d been able to was that the kid who turned into the werewolf was full of anger and bad feelings.’

At first it’s like, aw, that’s cute, Richie’s showing empathy. But later in the same chapter, when IT appears as the werewolf with Richie’s name stitched into the jacket, it hits different - Riche wasn’t just showing empathy, he was relating to the werewolf’s struggle with ‘bad feelings’ and the sadness of him being a monster through no fault of his own. 

Also in this chapter, there’s a small bit where Richie is lost in thought about Eddie’s trauma with the leper, and when he snaps out of it and talks to Ben, Ben is lost in thought about Bev’s trauma (the bruise on her cheek). Oh the parallels!

Anyway, this chapter functions the same way for Richie as The Dam in the Barrens does for Eddie - it starts out by demonstrating Richie’s discomfort with other people thinking he likes boys, moves into a series of interactions in which he flirts with Eddie and Bev, introduces the reader to his main IT manifestation, the teenage werewolf, and confirms that he relates to being a monster. Like Eddie, he feels an attachment to his ‘monster’ for reasons that are rooted in the way he sees himself. The subtext is much more subtle for Richie and there isn’t as much of it, but it’s there.

SO LONG STORY SHORT!! The moment(s) in the book where I first put two and two together as a casual reader were the ‘school-yard crush’ moments of pigtail pulling and flirtatious teasing. That stuff is obvious. Years later, as an adult, I can see that those same chapters that pinged for me as a teen are literally OVERFLOWING with subtext.

#asks #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie #it meta #my meta #Anonymous #most of this has been done to death but could it ever REALLY be done to death? no #will i ever stop writing about reddie? no #stephen king's it #it novel #meta #eddie spaghet tea #tozier tea #500 club

[pandawritespoorly]

With Time: Something Happened

Author’s Note: The doc for this is titled 'Drink some water you coward'. My friend needed to drink water but wouldn't, and I made a threat that I fulfilled. I won't say who I killed, but those of you who have been around long even may remember a tumblr post from long ago. (Heh heh, reblogged it to bring it back a few days ago)

Here's that story, which I can finally post now that With Time is over.

(Sorry for the angst. I'll post something fluffy soon.)

Summary: The team goes up against Hawkmoth, and something happens.

!!! Warnings: Character Death, Violence

It had been years. Years upon years of fighting against Hawkmoth. It had gotten bad enough that Adrien and Marinette had eventually needed to give their friends their miraculouses permanently.

It hadn’t been solely a bad thing of course. They’d been planning on doing it soon enough, but it’d happened sooner than they’d intended.

Of course, after spending a good six years - almost seven - Marinette and Adrien could not be ready for this day.

The final face off with Hawkmoth.

The man that had been terrorizing the heroes, the city, for years.

They’d tracked him down after learning of Mayura’s identity.

“How did I not know?” Chat Noir stares at the mansion he was raised in, “He’s my father! I grew up in the same building he was attacking the city from!”

“Adrien-” Ladybug begins.

“I’m supposed to be a hero! What kind of-”

“Adrien-” it’s Kit Mime this time, gripping his shoulder and turning the other boy to face him, “None of us blame you.”

“You should.”

“No, we shouldn’t. He kept it from the entire city, y’ couldn’t’ve known,” Tortue Verte cuts in.

“The entire city wasn’t living with him this whole time! For fuck’s sake, he attacked my school the most! He wasn’t even subtle!”

“Adrien, it’s not-” Honey Bee also tries to interrupt him.

“All those attacks where he or I was targeted! How could I not have realized-” gloved hands dig into blond hair, green eyes vacant.

“Chat-”

“My name literally means ‘dark butterfly’, I mean come on!”

“Adrien!” Ladybug snaps. She isn’t angry, just trying her best to reign him back in.

He pauses, taking a breath to steady himself.

“Kitten, none of us blame you,” Kit Mime keeps his own gloved hands on Chat Noir’s shoulders, “So you shouldn’t be blaming yourself.”

The hero looked doubtful, but didn’t respond.

“He’s right,” Ladybug comes to his side as well, hugging him tightly.

Doing so triggers a group hug among the heroes. There’s a lot of feelings towards what’s about to happen.

There’s a lot to process, but they didn’t have much time. They wanted to settle this as quickly as possible - both for Paris’ sake and to avoid Gabriel getting suspicious.

“Alright. Let’s go,” and Chat leads the charge into the house.

It’s time to end this.

---

Despite having hoped to take the man by surprise, he must have been clued in somehow. They burst into his lair to find it empty.

They tense, walking forward hesitantly and looking around cautiously.

“Where-” Honey begins to speak.

There’s a sound, quiet enough that only Kit and Chat hear it. They motion for silence and turn in the direction, night vision carefully scanning the area.

Honey Bee inhales sharply.

“This would be an ideal time to hand over your miraculouses.” a cold voice cuts through the silence.

The group turns to see Hawkmoth himself standing before them, sword drawn from his cane and pointed precariously near the heroine’s neck. She stands stiffly, hands raised slightly.

Low growls come from the two tallest boys, while Ladybug and Tortue shift to fighting positions.

“Give it up Gabriel,” Chat snarls.

“You’ve lost,” Kit Mime adds.

“It would seem I was correct to assume that Nathalie had been compromised,” the tip of the sword pushes further into Honey’s neck, and she tilts her head safely away.

“Gabriel Agreste, your reign of terror on Paris is over. Hand over your miraculous.” Ladybug holds out her hand, glaring at the monster before them.

“No. Not until I’ve completed my goal.”

“The consequences of any wish would be catastrophic. The world can’t afford your selfishness-”

“Selfish?!” The man roars, “You are the selfish ones! I only want what’s best for my family! What’s best for my son!” In his anger, he gestures carelessly and a pinprick of blood appears on Honey Bee’s neck as he speaks.

Chat Noir growls, snapping and swiping at the man, “What’s best for your son?! What’s best for your son?! How is terrorizing Paris supposed to help your son?!”

Taking the distraction, Honey Bee ducks and slides over to her other teammates. Tortue looks worriedly at her neck, but she smiles at him, “I’m fine,” she says quietly.

Kit Mime seems to disagree, scowling - a rare expression for him - and joining his friend in the barrage of attacks at the supervillain.

“Well,” Ladybug says, readying her yo-yo, “We do this like we always do…”

Honey Bee and Tortue Verte speak with her, readying their own weapons and dropping into offensive stances, “...together.”

The trio joins their teammates in the fight.

---

They didn’t think it was going to be this hard. Especially given that it was five to one.

Yet here they are. At least one and a half hours later, and the fight hadn’t gotten anywhere.

They’re exhausted.

Maybe it’s closer to two or three hours. None of them have really bothered to check the time, simply focussing on their goal, aiming to end this nightmare as soon as possible.

Hawkmoth swipes his sword at the spotted girl. She dances away to the best of her abilities, though she feels it makes contact anyways.

It wasn’t the first time, and she’d stopped checking once they’d all been false alarms.

Her suit is impenetrable after all.

This needed to end soon. The exhaustion of her team was palpable, but somehow Hawkmoth seemed fine.

Maybe he was just better at hiding it. Or he had more experience. The reason didn’t really matter to her anyways.

The team of five continues in their assault, their teamwork they’d built up on for the past five years shining through.

Still, it wasn’t a perfect art, and mistakes were bound to happen.

No one is quite sure how it happens, but the frenzy of movement halts when Hawkmoth wrenches Kit Mime toward him by the arm.

“Let him go,” Honey Bee growls.

“Give up your miraculouses.” It’s basically his mantra with how many times he’s said it now. He’s holding the fox hero to him tightly, gripping his neck from behind so that both miraculous holders are in clear sight.

“That’s not going to happen,” Chat repeats.

“This is your final warning,” Hawkmoth cautioned lowly, a hint of something in his voice.

He correctly takes their silent glares and battle stances as refusal.

The dark chamber is silent for a moment.

Five teenagers wait patiently for the next move.

A sickening crunch echoes through the room.

Even with most of them lacking night vision, their eyes have adjusted enough that they can see what happened.

Hawkmoth holds up Kit Mime by the neck, dangling the boy above the floor. The hero’s face is an unnatural color, and his feet kick uselessly at the floor, searching for traction.

His hands reach for the one that has crushed his throat, but the adult’s iron grip is too tight.

His teammates, friends, can only stand in horrified silence. The only sound is the ocaissonal scuffle of boots against the floor. The color that has appeared on his face is deepening, and his hands still claw at the one around his neck. His flute is on the floor, dropped in surprise when the moment came.

None of them are looking at any of that though.

It’s his eyes.

Kit- Claude’s eyes, normally bright and full of mirth are wide with fear.

Even through the worst attack, Kit Mime had been able to smile, keep things light and spirits up.

And now…

It’s when his eyes begin to glaze over, growing unfocused, that they break out of their trance.

Chat Noir’s and Honey Bee’s faces harden in resolve, both rushing forward.

Ladybug hears a furious ‘cataclysm’ and ‘venom’, which somewhat shakes her out of her oncoming attack. She can panic late, right now she has to…

What does she do?

Tortue isn’t doing well, hyperventilating beside her.

Kit Mime is still struggling in the villain’s grip, though his desperate kicks and gasps have become fainter, weaker.

The five of them couldn’t defeat Hawkmoth together, should she really let only two of them try alone? They need all the help they can get, right?

The heroine’s eyes dart back and forth, undecided. Comfort Tortue?

Help Chat and Honey with Kit?

Comfort Tortue?

Help Chat and Honey with K-

-it?

The moment of indecision costs her. In the time it takes Chat and Honey to cross the room, Hawkmoth grows impatient.

Tired of holding up the struggling boy, Hawkmoth tightens his grip on his sword, raises his hand, and runs it through the boy.

Honey and Chat can’t stop their momentum in time, Honey’s hand slides past the intended target, and she can’t pick herself off the floor, instead staring in horror at the scene above her.

The scene doesn’t last long.

Chat’s outstretched hand makes contact.

With an orange suit.

The darkness spreads like an inky disease across the brightly colored uniform. Shadowy tendrils make their way over it, spreading like a horrific wildfire and leaving nothing but ash and dust behind.

Chat Noir stares in terror at his gloved hand, now coated in dust that looked too soft for something so nauseating.

Reality chooses this moment to resume its normal speed. In comparison to the last eternal minute or two, everything feels like double speed.

Honey Bee manges to put together enough thoughts to hit her venomed hand to their foe’s leg, and stands to take the miraculous.

Chat hasn’t moved.

Tortue is barely breathing with how badly he’s panicking.

And Ladybug?

Ladybug defaults to her usual solution.

“Miraculous Ladybug.”

Claude’s body reappears right where it had been previously. He falls to the ground, the other heroes nearby follow him, too exhausted to do anything else.

After a moment they’re all far too aware of the fact that he isn’t breathing.

“Miraculous Ladybug.”

He remains still.

“Miraculous Ladybug.”

Nothing. She’s beginning to feel dizzy.

“Miraculous Ladybug.”

Why isn’t it working?

“Miraculous Ladybug!”

Why isn’t he coming back?!

“Miraculous Ladybug!”

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Miraculous Ladybug!!”

How had this happened?

“Miraculous Ladybug!!!”

She feels sick.

“MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!”

Still nothing.

Her shouts become a repetitive echo, ringing through the terrible chamber. What else can she do? She’s the leader. She’s the one who fixes everything.

So why isn’t everything fixed?! Of the team, she’s the only one still speaking. The only one still standing.

Until she isn’t anymore.

The others look up after her quiet, pleading calls go silent, soon followed by a thud.

Against a surface other than her bright red suit, the alarming amount of blood flowing from a distressingly large gash in her side is hard to miss.

---

When Felix walks into the hospital room he does not know what to expect. He had known they were going after Hawkmoth, so the fact that Adrien had sent him a text with nothing but the words ‘we’re here’ and the hospital’s address and a room number concerned him.

Still, he did not want to jump to conclusions.

Perhaps Hawkmoth had been critically injured.

He repeated that thought over and over because the alternative-

No, there is no alternative. Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

He loops that thought.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends are fine.

Hawkmoth is injured and his friends-

He walks into the room, hearing the steady beeping of the heart monitor and turns to see…

Marinette in the bed. All manner of tubes and wires attached to her.

When he manages to rip his eyes away, his fears do not cease.

Adrien is staring at Marinette, though his eyes are far away.

Allegra is barely holding herself together.

And Allan…

Felix hadn’t seen that look on Allan’s face since- since-

Something is missing.

Someone is missing.

“Where is Claude?” He barely manages to keep his voice steady.

Those three words are all it takes.

The Allegra’s final threads snap and she loses the little composure she already had. She falls to her knees like beggar and sobs.

The look on Allan’s expression gets worse, and he stops breathing momentarily, and even afterwards his breaths are irregular.

Adrien is gripping Marinette’s hand like a lifeline, head buried in the sheets of the hospital bed as he sits beside it.

No one speaks.

The picture is becoming very clear, but Felix just will not accept it.

Surely Claude is just somewhere else.

Grabbing something perhaps?

Another sob from Allegra is all it takes to dash all his hopes. Anyone with half a mind can see the only answer to this question.

Something happened.

The mission went wrong.

Claude is gone.

---

I'm just going to leave this here. No more words from me.

Reminder: This is very much not canon to my With Time storyline.

#miraculous ladybug #with time #fanfic #angst #hurt no comfot #sadness #character death #final battle #missions gone wrong #injury #this is not my usual story #no fluff #i'm sorry #also #I wrote this to fulfill a threat to my friend #so #i'm obligated to remind you to drink water #let something good come from this? #yeah #nothing good can come from this #i'll post some fluff soon #so very sorry

[twi-sight2020]

Chapter 10: My liver, Midnight Sun, and other things I don’t know about

So, first of all, HOLY HELL THERE ARE NOW 230 of you. Like damn, I’ve been a DC RPer for years and it took me eons to get that many people across a couple of blogs. Meanwhile, i come back to one of my old fandoms and BAM open arms. Cleary, i was wrong for ever leaving. So, once again, I’ve been sort of ...slow. and I mean, TBH, I am a slow moving creature with these updates anyway, but considering I had to have yet another test ran, and found out that my liver is still showing up enlarged so I have to have ANOTHER test this upcoming week...ehhh, i figure I’m allowed to be a bit useless.(Sidenote: Never get an autoimmune disease, they suck more than Victoria ever could) But then, fuck I saw that SMeyer may finally be granting everyones hopes and dreams with some new Twilight material, and I had the urge to jump back here and immediately cry about it and throw hand sup in the air  because...new content is A+. That being said, if you’re one of the five people i’ve seen who are hoping for a sequel to The Host or The Chemist...I still love you, but I will judge you....and blame you if this isn’t a full version of Midnight Sun or something in the verse....but i will blame with loooove and affection. Alright, on with the Interrogation of Bella Swan! First off, Edwards picks Bella up for school, and it’s...oddly adorable that he seems uncertain when asking if she wants a ride. Granted, Bella points out he hopes she’ll say no but...I find it adorable that he has these normal ,human fears, or rejection. He then tells her that he brought a jacket for her because he doesn’t want her getting sick. and this...this is the kinda overprotection that makes Edward loveable. Not the creepy shit he pulls in alter books, but things like this...it’s nice. He makes Jokes about her not doing 20 questions today, and we see how tongue tied Bella is. We also see that Edward finds Bella’s reactions almost..unnatural and too cool, something that I remarked on a lot in the last couple of chapters, though it seems that Edward is more disturbed by them because he is off balance not being able to read her, while I’m off balance because her mind is....rather unfathomable to me. Then again-and correct me  cause I could be wrong- but isn’t Edward supposed to have a psych degree? Just saying.... They arrive at school and discover the other Cullen’s have take Rosalie’s super expensive convertible to school since Edward is “breaking all the rules”  I also love that Bella calls him out that...no, they don’t blend in, even when trying. Like , come on guys, you’ve lived for a long ass time, you should know how people act by now. Jessica sees Edward and Bella come in together, and Edward let’s Bella know that Jessica will ambush her after class, wanting to know if they are dating...and how she feels about him. Edward tells Bella she can say yes to the first one if that’s ok because it’s the easiest explanation. JESUS EDWARD THAT’S SO DAMN UNROMANTIC. Like come on, at least a proper “Wanna go steady” would have been cute but...nooooooo. Idiot just lost one of the good points I gave him earlier. And...Jessica does just that, wanting to know if their meet up last night was planned, if they were going out again, and if he’d kissed her yet. And then She keeps pestering for details and Bella-being the exact opposite of me and my gossipy friends in every way- does not wanna go into it. Maybe it’s because Edward said he’d be listening, or maybe it’s just because she’s a very private person. Honestly, for a  book told from her POV, she’s still...pretty damn hard to read at times.  Anyway, she tells Jessica she likes Edward”too much, more than he likes me” and then evades more questions by brining up Jessica’s date with Mike from the other day.Since Jessica DOES like to gossip and be nosey and much as me and my friends, this distraction works perfectly, right up until after class when Edward is waiting for Bella. he seems  both amused, and irritated, no doubt from listening in on the conversation. he and Bella go through the lunch line, he buys a ton of food for her -and some for him for show. Bella ask if he an eat human food, and he compares it to eating dirt...which apparently Bella has done-on a dare. Bella, honey, I don’t know who dared you to do this but...babe you need better friends.  Edward sees Jessica watching him and gets pissy again, and reveals the source of his agitation is Bella’s belief that she likes him more than he does her. He wants to know why, and she has two main reasons, one being how “ordinary” she looks, and two being how sometimes it seems like he’s “trying to say goodbye. Edward quickly brushes past the “ordinary” comment with how he knew what the other guys were thinking on her first day. Bella....doesn’t believe it, which is..pretty damn stupid considering literally everyone kept trying to ask her to the dance. Like...Jesus, you may not be a supermodel, and you may be a super klutz, but you are definitely far from plain.  The next bit, Edward admits is true, sometimes he does want to say goodbye...because he wants to protect her. He thinks this means he cares more, because he’d hurt himself to keep her safe. This feels like it could dovetail into a very very important convo, but then Edward breaks it up with jokes about how  keeping her safe is a “full time occupation” and she...literally has the thought of how she could put herself in danger to keep him around. and just, fuck that. Like, listen up, if you ever EVER feel like you have to put yourself in danger to keep someone around, that’s...unhealthy, ok? It means you need to break ties with them, and maybe get a bit of therapy while your at it. Of course, Bella doesn’t have a Sassy Bi Bitch like me to tell her off for this so, you know, this will not be the last time she has some worrying thoughts.... Like about ten seconds later when Edward ask if-instead of going to Seattle- she’d like to spend the day alone with him. He tells her she should tell Charlie to give him some”incentive” to bring her back. Yea Bella, remember, he really wanted to kill you before? That danger is not completely gone. But Is Bella gonna tell her dad? Of course not. Edward is annoyed by this, but instead of, I dunno, dropping by their house and asking Bella to go with him in front of her dad or something he just.... acts pissy for a few minutes. Oh Edward.... She brings up the supposed camping trips they go on, and Edward informs her they are hunting bears. Which...goes over her head for a minute and she...literally sternly tells him bears are not in season. Wow, just.... Bella....honey...not only did that go waaaay over your head but also, you’re gonna be that person? God, this is why you didn’t have friends back home Bella, not the fact that you’re ordinary or clumsy...nope it’s definitely the  fact you went beyond being mom friend to being Cop friend. Edward, meanwhile, earns a bonus point again for talking about how they are careful to hunt in over populated areas because they don’t wanna impact the environment. Damn, that alone makes my teenage crush come back...whoops. What can i say? I’m a sucker for the environmentally conscious.  He tells Bella a ....minuscule amount about how they hunt, comparing how Emmet hunts like a bear(which is his favorite prayer) and how his on hunting mimics a lion(which he loves to hunt mountain lion). I dunno why Edward prefers that-except to make the Lion and Lamb analogy later, but considering what I know about Emmets life, I love that he just...kills angry grizzly for fun...even if my heart breaks for the bears because I’m a loser.  Bella REAAAAALLLLY wants to see Edward hunt and he is like “hell no” She thinks it’s just because it would be “too scary” for her and Edward...blatantly points out that she really could use some fear and if that were the case he’d take her out hunting tonight. And then he...says he’ll tell her way she can’t later, but right now they are running late and lunch is over. Annnnd, that it. Pretty much an more filler chapter, we don’t get much info and it passes pretty quick. Kinda short for a Twilight chapter to. I do love that Bella- who fucking dies at the sight of blood- wants to watch Edward hunt, bless child, I worry about you.  Anyway, lovelies, that it for tonight. Stay safe, AJ

#twilight #stephanie meyer #Bella Swan #edward cullen #twilight reread #twilight reread 2020 #twilight chapter 10

[pinkatchristmas]

*tw* theories on psychosis, trauma, and the disrupted assumptive world

Psychosis: a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. (Oxford Dictionary)

From around November 2018 to June 2019 I experienced what psychologists call “psychosis”, a symptom of a plethora of disorders that often goes untreated if it cannot be healed through medication. This was a significantly horrible period of my life that I rarely discuss with anyone or disclose to anyone that I had, due to the immense stigma in our society surrounding it.

Psychosis is, at it’s core, a divergence from reality, cultivated by the mind in a manner that is abrupt, disgusting, and inevitable to those who suffer from it. While some people have general schizophrenia, and possibly experience psychosis on a daily basis, and while I did for almost a year, I can’t really explain what it’s like without considering some theories I have regarding what might cause it.

Immense emotional stress

Genetics

Trauma that cannot be reconciled by the mind in accordance with the sufferer’s assumptive world

I believe that all three of these factors are what results in one losing their mind. For me, I had always had rather delusional thoughts throughout my childhood, which I had initially believed were the result of a reaction to a deeply spiritual upbringing and a love of fiction writing. I didn’t recognize these thought patterns as particularly disruptive or even noticeable until after my diagnosis, though there are still things about my old ways of thinking that frankly kind of disturb me. For example, I still have ideations about happenstance occurrences which lead me to believe that certain things will happen. To a certain extent, I’m aware that this type of thinking is sometimes affiliated with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which I’m sure is linked to other disorders which include patterns of delusional thinking. However, there is a difference between believing that someone will text you back if you see a “sign” and genuinely believing you are in contact with celebrities.

The most bemusing thing about my dip from reality was the fact that I was at least intellectually aware of a possibility that my thoughts were delusional. This had never happened to me before, when to a certain extent, my thinking lifestyle prior to having psychosis was mostly delusional “for fun”. I believed in magic, and signs from the universe, and tarot cards, and astrology and all that bullshit. Now, I’m not sure what I believe in other than luck and the flow of energy between people being a tangible force (which I may discuss in a separate post). However, when I was sick with what most people would call schizophrenia I was intellectually questioning why I was having such monumental life experiences with no justification in the context of “reality”. I think that if you aren’t medicated it isn’t fully possible to overcome a force of delusional thinking so powerful you are incapable of comprehending your own brain’s motivation for surviving in society.

This leads me to a further line of thinking that correlates with the idea that psychosis may or may not be a survival tactic taken upon by the brain to protect one from a trauma response so powerful it could lead to suicidal ideation.

There are many different ways psychosis manifests and it appears in the context of many different diseases. My diagnosis was altered many times: Bipolar II with delusional thoughts, and then later Bipolar II schizoaffective type, and then later schizoaffective disorder; I’m aware that I’m Bipolar, and definitely recognize my symptoms in accordance with a traditional social awareness of the disease. However, after meeting many people with the schizophrenia diagnosis in mental health facilities I attended in order to be cured, I learned that some people just have psychosis all the fucking time. This leads me to believe that the brain is not necessarily in accordance with society’s chosen narrative regarding what leads humans to think in trajectories towards success, survival, sexual gratification, and pleasure. If we believe that our brains are only meant to exist in one format, or, if we are taught that the brain’s neurons only fire for certain reasons, that is how we will continue to lead our lives.

What I’m trying to communicate is that in the basic education I’ve received about my own brain had always led me to believe that I, personally, and everyone around me would always aspire to make the “right” or most fulfilling choice in the context of these set “needs” for the brain. What gives us satisfaction and pleasure in a psychological context may actually be, just what we’re taught gives us those things. While this may not fully matter in a hedonistic, capitalist society which is now falling apart before our eyes, I think we commonly disregard the fact that discipline can be rewarding just as much as a bout of instant gratification. This dialectic leads me to my next point, which I think can only be justified by the fact that I experienced psychosis.

If the brain is taught to pursue certain goals from an early stage of development, it will likely continue to seek out these prizes from birth until death. From here I will give a brief timeline of the experiences I had while being psychotic. Firstly, it’s notable that I’m almost certain the thing that caused by break was in accordance with the theory that a trauma is caused by the disruption of one’s assumptive world. I have never heard anything more accurate in the context of my own experience. I think that our assumptions about the way we are supposed to both live our lives and pursue “goals”, which are really just achievable narratives applied to our interpersonal experiences on a broader scale in society than we maybe comprehend, is toxic and, due to the fact that it is the foundation upon which our capitalist worldview is based, an inevitable lifestyle for almost everyone. For example, I will display the narrative of my psychosis as a psychological example to support this hypothesis.

From a young age, probably since birth, I have had an incredibly deep-seated belief that I was a very beautiful woman and that society would fundamentally reward for this. While this is obviously an incredibly subjective world view to take, it was comfortable and the belief itself was supportive enough for my self-esteem that it became what some might call a core belief. A horrible core belief, but one nonetheless. When I entered into a relationship that was casual but ultimately incredibly meaningful to me at the time when I was nineteen, my toxic core belief about my appearance led me to believe all kinds of stupid stuff you believe when you’re nineteen. Like, for example, if you’re extremely beautiful you can get any guy you want, including the one who will eventually leave you. When that happened to me, my incredibly shallow and unjustified and probably delusion belief that I was the most attractive person I knew led my assumptive world to being shattered. Of course, the experience of loving someone and having them not only leave you, but choose to be with someone else, is incredibly painful. I think this experience would be the same for everyone. Or, uniquely horrible and similar for everyone.

Either way, that trauma is likely what caused my psychotic break. Not because of the pain of the heartbreak, or the randomness of the event (which it was), or the severing of an important relationship, but because I had had such a devolved and view on the world and had been so sheltered to any other belief about my ability to sustain a romantic relationship that it led me to have to escape my own reality.

Other traumas coincided with this one. Shortly after the said relationship ended, I was sexually assaulted, which also led to a disruption of my assumptive world. I guess the only assumption I had in that regard was that I would never have to experience something that violent in my lifetime. To compare one’s traumatic experiences is really not a fun nor fruitful endeavor, but I think when it comes to psychosis, the stronger your assumptive belief was, the harder your brain pushes against the new, contradictory belief that now has to replace the old one. So, what was I now supposed to believe? I wasn’t beautiful? I wasn’t attractive? I wasn’t worthy of love because of what I had to offer, which at the time I believe most importantly were my looks. That was the new belief. It couldn’t be reconciled. There were now all these possibilities that came with the rest of my life even though I was only nineteen that were terrifying. With both the breakup and the sexual assault, I now had two replacement beliefs that were standing in my way: being beautiful didn’t necessarily grant you a significant other, and it might make you more vulnerable to sexual violence. And that was a lot to take into consideration.

I didn’t only believe that I was beautiful; I generally considered myself to be smarter, funnier, and generally more interesting than the people I would find myself surrounded by. Did this make me an arrogant asshole? Maybe. I was also a teenager. Regardless, if my intelligence and intuition couldn’t prevent me from avoiding one incredibly painful life experience which was shortly followed by one that was literally life-threatening, maybe everything I’d thought about myself was false. What this has to do with psychosis is relevant, only because of the timeline in which I suffered my series of mental health ailments before the point I actually became delusional.

Psychosis is widely considered to be a hiccup in the evolutionary code, but I can’t attest to whether or not I actually believe this. I think that if you have beliefs that carry you throughout your life, and they are disrupted, this can be painful and traumatizing and lead to growth, (however that’s perceived by an individual in the context of our “goal-oriented” society), but if one has a predisposition to believe something about their life and then is forced to realize that there is no possibility of this belief actually coming into fruition, that’s a problem for the brain. I’m not talking about whether or not you thought Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were going to be together forever and then were traumatized by their separation. I’m talking about things that are so deeply engrained in your personhood, you weren’t even aware they were there. The phenomenon of an assumptive world being shattered by a dismantled belief leading to psychosis is one of my theories about why it occurs, though I don’t belief this can be applied to all cases.

Another theory I have about psychosis which can probably be considered pretty fundamental is that you have to have a predisposed mental health issue prior to developing delusional thoughts. I think delusions are an evolutionary tactic to prevent humans not only from the general pain of reality, but the immensely distressing fact that we are not even certain how or why we exist. Alternatively, what is the difference between a delusion and a belief? Are people who believe that Jesus Christ was a human being who was actually capable of walking on water, delusional? Objectively, in my opinion, this could be considered a delusion. The only reason it isn’t is because it is generally considered to be true by a majority of the population. What really makes a delusion is it’s specificity to your own personal thoughts and how your brain carries out fantasies, hopes in the context of the “goals” you’re supposed to be achieving, and the context in which you can no longer reconcile a specific belief with the reality you’re facing.

My delusional thoughts were largely centered around narratives regarding my self-worth. Mainly, they fulfilled the ultimately gratifying notion that I was the most attractive, interesting and beautiful woman in the world and that I deserved to go from being someone of complete obscurity to dating a celebrity, with no factual evidence that this was actually happening. The psychosis led me to believe that magic was real and that I could communicate with people through telepathy, alternate dimensions, past lives, and basically coordinated whatever train of thinking it would take for me to have a justified belief that I was dating a celebrity. This is 100% true. There were other times when I believed that celebrities were hoping to threaten my status as the girlfriend of an incredibly high-profile person, and wanted to kill me.

*TW*

This leads to another sector of my belief about psychosis that justifies the theory that it is an evolutionarily predisposed condition that is only executed in certain scenarios. For example, if you believe that you are no longer capable of living in a society where your beliefs can lead you to be a successful member of that society, you may want to kill yourself. This is a very grim analysis of a general thought pattern that people have every day, although when I had delusions some of them were literally that people I’d never met wanted to kill me, and that if I wasn’t killed first, I would have to kill myself. I know this isn’t an easy thing to discuss or read about. If evolution’s goal is to propel one forward in society by any means necessary, eradicating yourself from that template can be done through the loophole of delusions. I don’t know why the brain would be this cruel to itself, but I’m guessing if it’s already aware it can no longer be salvaged, maybe this is evolution’s last resort.

This absolutely leads to a debate regarding the nature of evolution and whether or not suicide is an evolutionary response to depression, schizoaffective disorder, schizophrenia, or other mental health ailments a person may suffer from. If you are in enough pain to take your own life, maybe that’s an evolutionary response to ending that pain. Of course, this is an incredibly difficult topic to talk about, and please know that I do not take the subject of suicide lightly and do not like assessing it’s potential place in the context of evolution. I am simply pulling from my own experience with psychosis to observe whether or not psychosis as a whole is an evolutionary function that goes against the shattering of one’s assumptive beliefs about the world.

I have other theories about psychosis and will probably post more about my experience with it here, though those are all the things I can think of off the top of my head when it comes to the full experience of undergoing that psychological phenomenon. I’m happy to say that anti-psychotics do work and while I’m grateful to now be ultimately cured from my psychosis, it was a life experience that I do not look back on fondly. I guess I hope that if anyone reads this, that they might feel better about their own mental health and know that there are always resources available no matter what when it comes to seeking help. A part of me also hopes that someone else who had psychosis might stumble upon this post and try and get in touch with me about their experiences. At the end of the day, I’m just a mentally ill person who likes to knit.

#psychology #psychology writing #psychosis #schizophrenia #schizophrenic disorder #schizoaffective #schizoaffective disorder #writing #nonfiction #science #STEM #women in stem #stem writing #research #psychology research #personal writing

[klug]

you can’t do a character meme without mentioning sig (if you already haven’t shared your opinion on him)

Thank you for sending me Sig . no one has asked me about him even though i have Much to Say.

favorite thing about them: His lore is Really Fucking Cool and i think it’s interesting that it culminates into just...a Regular Dude. Like if you forget all the lore and stuff he really is just, a regular guy and it’s kind of funny? other than that uh, i really love his design. so so good. his spells are also great.

least favorite thing about them: I swear to god if Sega makes him into an even more braindead 4 year old in the next game i’m gonna strangle the writer b/c right now that’s my LEAST favorite thing when early on he really just came across as a bored teenager and now he’s like, a baby, like COME on

favorite line: That one time he said “Bye there” to Lemres when Lemres was lost in the desert. good stuff. I think Lemres should be bullied more.

brOTP: siglidelle...sigami...sigklug...uhhh....yeah. they’re all vibing and they are all friends.

OTP: i’ve got hydrangea loving disease so i like AyaSig the EMOTIONAL POTENTIAL there is so strong. I also like SigKlug and SigLidelle :p

nOTP: i used to see this a lot but i fucking hate SigLem mostly because Sig doesn’t like Lemres i’m just like holy shit this so so weird 3 i don’t respect any of you people.

random headcanon: i think Sig has this thing where like, he seeks out being alone just because it’s what he’s used to, even though deep down he wants to connect more with his friends but he struggles to do that b/c understanding his own feelings is... difficult. He can’t really put his emotions into words most of the time and doesn’t really understand how he feels about stuff unless it’s super strong, like he can identify when he loves something or hates something but struggles with the stuff in between. LIKE i guess unlike Aya whose identity is sort of built around struggling to reclaim her PAST identity Sig’s is more finding out who he IS in the PRESENT time and being okay with connecting with people because understanding people isn’t an endgoal it’s something you are CONSTANTLY working towards because of how complex people are and  (rambling)

unpopular opinion: is it still unpopular to say that i like his english dub voice more than his japanese. like i think people have generally changed their attitudes but i know some people still prefer his jp because it’s like, cuter, but the fact that it’s “cute” and sounds very baby-ish turns me off a lot when he’s like...a teenager...

song i associate with them: i have a disease that makes me associate Sig with Angelfish because of this Feveroid cover which really goes off honestly. Sig fans should listen to this b/c it sounds so good https://youtu.be/nPK3ziyORCs

favorite picture of them: 

it’s hard for me to choose but uh one of these 2. i love the second one it’s like

literally nothing

we’re just standing

#inquiries #puyo puyo #sig #uboatan

[deaf-bakugou]

Hi! I found your blog a while ago and I’m obsessed lol. Deaf!Bakugou makes so much sense... almost too much sense... he’s bLaSt ExPoSeD! Anyways, I saw you were doing a q&a at some point recently-ish so I was wondering how your experiences with audiologists have been? You def don’t have to answer if it’s too personal!

I sure am doing a Q and A though I forgot because no one had really questioned it. To be honest my experience has been a little bit rocky. But that happens sometimes for children who are what we call late diagnosed which is between the age of 10 and 18. At that age a child already has a very good grasp of the english language and knows what actions to perform to fir in with a crowd making hearing loss harder to distinguish. Based on the progression they believe I started loosing my hearing about the ten year old mark but I did not get diagnosed or recieve my hearing aids until 14. This is a little off point but it relates. This means that I had a harder time with my audiologist because by the time I made it there I had been struggling for years but no one had believed me that something was wrong. To be fair I did not even really know something was wrong. I just knew that people were suddenly talking quieter and my mom was mad my music was to loud or my dad was screaming because he asked me to do the dishes and I had not done them and he was tired of my insisting that he had not asked me to do anything. So I was a ba of anger and frustration and teenage hormones. I only really ended up there because my grandmother who is a nurse sat down with my parents one day and said, in my professional opinion, something is wrong.

This is hard to be told at 13-14. Like Bakugou I was convinced that the issue was everyone else not me. (It is probably important to know that I was already very sick and in the middle of testing for another chronic life changing disease that ended up being connected woohoo) so I was already angry that one thing was wrong so I refused to believe that anything else was either.

My Audiologist is named Summer. I proudly informed her that there was nothing wrong and this was just cursory and that my mom and dad should get tested instead when I passed. She was a good sport and accepted this easily. Afterwards she sat down with me and said, "things should get easier for you after this. But I need you to understand that while your ears my not work as well as mine or theirs, you are not the problem." Which helped a lot. She knew how to handle children going through the grieving process, because it is a grieving process when you loose a sense as an older child or adult. She put up with a lot of shit from me over the years. Including a time period where my mom informed me that my hearing was getting worse and we needed to have my hearing aids turned up in which I promptly informed her that AIED can be genetic and maybe SHE was finally loosing HER hearing. So she promptly marched me in. Took a hearing test and handed me her above normal results. I was so pissed. Summer just watched on in amusement of course. Turns out I had lost a good degree of hearing since my last check up that time. My hearing loss is progressive unpredictable. Which means it gets worse, but randomly. I know I was a difficult case and I have cochlear and nerve damage but no eardrum damage. I also threw a whole ass fit in her office at like 16 when my dad did 3 minutes of research and took me in demanding I get a cochlear implant. (Not a miracle cure fucker.) And I absolutly fucking refused. Cochlear seriously limit your life ability. For me I am not willing to do it and I dont think anyone under the age of 16 should be implanted because it should be a decision they can be present in. They literally cut a hole in your skull. I digress again.

So moral of the story is that if it is a one time visit to an Audiologist then it is clinical, nothing to report, but if you have a long term Audiologist who has been with you from the begining, they are a friend, a confidant, they have likely seem the worst and best of you and probably with they had gotten that therapy degree. I have been with summer tenish years now and she has been there for every bump in road, every sudden drop in hearing, and every year I shed as I thought I could never have a functioning life. She showed me the cool features of my hearing aids and told me about the programs to help me get the help I needed. She put me on the right path to learn to love who I am. (Also made me do a lot of speech therapy and i might still be salty about that but whatever.)

So I hope you like this book I wrote.