#I lost a lot of weight when I was sick with the flu for weeks on end

[crystalsnow95z]

Could you do Joon with a high fever and stomach bug during a comeback stage? Caretaker ot6...how they help him

It feels like I'm writing a lot of sick joonie lately.. my two part flu, my collab story and another story where he's sick at a concert..

I'm sorry it took so long halfway through writing. I hated it and started a new idea..

It's staying as long as it is..I'm done editing it >.< I have no idea why I obsessed over this so long, and hate it or not this is how it's staying

Tw: fever, vomit

Namjoon adds one more layer of foundation to try to cover up his pale skin without making it too obvious that he put on makeup carefully, adding it around his face moles so they don't get covered.

I'm doing much better this morning.. I don't need the others worrying about me..

Namjoon checks himself out once more in the mirror before taking a seat at the table, picking up a pair of chopsticks to eat with the others.

"I can't believe this is the last practice before the concert.." Jimin pushes the rice around with his chop sticks, struggling to calm the nerves that knotted his stomach.

"Don't worry, Jiminie. I know you'll do great. We've been practicing for a couple of months and we did it perfectly yesterday." Taehyung tries to quell Jimin's anxiety, rubbing his hand across his knee.

"But for the past week, we've been a member short.." Jimin glances at Namjoon, who just sat next to him. Their leader has been fighting with some sort of stomach bug, unable to eat anything without it coming back up again.

"Don't worry about me. Yoongi-hyung has been sending the practice recordings to watch, and I already learned the choreography before I got sick. I'm fine." Namjoon takes a mouthful of rice to try to prove his point.

"Are you sure you're well enough to perform? You were able to hold dinner down last night, but you still shouldn't push yourself. " Seokjin worries about the youngest rapper, reaching to check if his fever really was gone.

"I'm fine, Hyung. I was cleared to perform tonight. I'll just take it easy." Namjoon allows Seokjin to place his hands on the back of his neck to help ease his mind, the older relieved when he doesn't feel the heat that's been radiating off it for several days.

What Namjoon wasn't telling him is that he was still taking medicine to keep his fever under control, and last night, even though he never threw up, his stomach still cramped up keeping him up most of the night.

We worked on perfecting this album for over a year, I can't let our hard work be in vain just because of a stomach ache.. I have to perform tonight..

Namjoon ate even with his stomach still feeling bloated, knowing if he refused to eat, the others would suspect something was wrong. He kept his bites small, washing them down with sips of water.

"It's really good, we should order it again when the show is over." Jungkook says through a mouthful of food, changing the subject to a lighter one.

"Don't eat too much, though Koo. You don't want to be too full before practice." Jin warns.

"Joon-ah you shouldn't eat too much either, I know you're probably hungry from hardly eating but you need to slowly start eating again.." J-hope frets over Namjoon.

"Don't worry Hobi, I only had some of the kimchi fried rice.. I don't want to push my luck.." Namjoon reassures his fellow 94liner with a gentle smile. "I feel much better today, really. You guys worry too much."

"Seriously, don't overdo it, and if you start to feel unwell, tell me right away, okay?" J-hope places his hand on Namjoon's shoulder, biting his lip when he notices that he could see more of Namjoon's collar bone. "Joon, you lost weight.."

"I wanted to lose a bit of weight anyway." Namjoon brushes off J-hope's grip. "Eat Hoba. You hardly ate anything. You need to keep your energy up. You got a tough slot tonight." He tries to turn the tables, but J-hope refuses.

"Yeah, but the way you lost it isn't healthy. I'll be fine..."J-hope watches Namjoon for a moment before taking another bite. Namjoon has pain hidden behind those eyes, and it looks like he hasn't slept.

"I told you, I'm fine." Namjoon says looking away from J-hope's eyes, jumping when he sees Taehyung standing next to him. "Sh*t! You scared me.."

"Sorry Hyung, I made some ginger tea for you." Taehyung places a cup in front of Namjoon, giving a shy smile.

"Thanks, Tae.." Namjoon takes it gratefully, hoping it would help settle his stomach. But since he made it, he also doesn't believe I'm better..

"No problem. Even if you do feel better. Better safe than sorry, right?" Taehyung gives a warm smile before sitting back down next to Jungkook.

"Right.." Namjoon sips on the tea, relaxing when the warm liquid soothes his aching stomach. "It's really good."

"Shoot, we have to leave in ten minutes." J-hope says after noticing the time, shoving one more bite into his mouth before starting to clean up the table.

Jungkook jumps to help J-hope clean up the table, taking care of Namjoon's mess for him. "I got it, hyung."

"I put the extra tea from the pot in here for you Namjoon-ah." Taehyung hands him his BT21 thermos.

"I said I'm feeling better. Don't worry so much." Namjoon places his hand on Taehyungs head, ruffling his hair.

Namjoon normally didn't feel car sick, yet the moment the car started moving, his stomach felt painfully tight, the seat belt pressing against it making it worse. He tucks his arm around it, using it to stop the strap from touching his aching middle.

"Hyung are you okay?" Jimin asks when he sees Namjoon wrap his arm around his stomach.

"Yeah, I just started feeling sick when we got in the car.. I'll be fine when we reach the stadium." Namjoon felt his stomach flip when the driver made a turn, a small groan escaping.

"Poor Hyungie. Try looking out the window and focusing on the horizon. It might help." Jimin says sympathically, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze. Usually, it was him or J-hope who got motion sick, but on rarer occasions, the others suffered too.

Namjoon stares out the window, keeping his eyes on the setting sun, but it doesn't do much to help settle his aching stomach, though not throwing up was enough to please him. "It helped..thanks Jimin-ah.."

Jimin smiles. "No problem. I'm happy to help."

Namjoon focuses on the voices of his teammates chatting, their excitement helping him be distracted from the pain.

"Army will be so surprised with the new choreography! Especially the hook part! I can't wait to show them!" Jungkook speaks with excitement.

"That's because you plan to flash your belly." Jimin teases him, remembering the move he added to practice yesterday.

"Not my belly.. my.." Jungkook stops in mid sentence to check if his abs were still there after his meal, peeking down his shirt. "My abs!" He confirmed, making the others laugh.

Namjoon smiled, knowing what happened even without looking at Jungkook. He presses his cheek against the window, the cold glass feeling nice on his hot skin. I'll have to take another dose of medicine when we get there...

"You should flash yours with me! Jiminie-hyung and Taehyungie-Hyungie. In the part where it's just us three!"

"Unlike you, I don't quite have abs.." Jimin says with a tinge of pink. "I don't work out as much as I used to back in our debut days."

"Yes, you do.. i saw them a few days ago, and even if you don't, that doesn't matter. Army will still love it." Jungkook reaches over to Jimin to lift up his shirt, but the older vocalist holds it down.

"Jungkook-ah! Stop that! Go bother Tae about his. He's been working out with Namjoonie-hyung." Jimin fights off Jungkook's hands, grabbing his wrists, trying to sound serious, but a smile gives away he's not actually upset.

"He's not the one who says he doesn't have any, you did." Jungkook points out, now trying to peer down his neck line, Jimin using one hand tp hold down his bottom and one near his neck.

"Namjoonie-Hyung got sick like a week after we started. I dont think my body is that great either." Taehyung states, getting the attention off his soulmate, smiling with amusement.

"It was pretty close when you started." Jungkook moves to his next target,trying to lift Taehyung’s shirt to check. "I bet you got at least a little toned!"

"Stop that tickles..." Taehyung giggles, trying to fight off the mankae. "Jungkook-Ah..!" He laughs when Jungkooks fingers brush against his side.

"I feel them!" Jungkook smiles.

Namjoon was thankful for all the noise the youngers were making. It covered up the gurgling of his stomach, discreetly rubbing his hand across it. But not discreetly enough.

"You okay Namjoon-ah?" Yoongi asks, looking over Namjoon with a worried expression. "You're not gonna be sick are you?" He looks around the van, trying to look for a bag.

"Oh, no. I'm fine, I was just thinking about my own body. I probably lost mine while i was sick.." Namjoon wasn't lying to him, just not telling him the real reason. He looks at his reflection in the window. "

"You planning to join the maknae’s stage antics to make army scream?" Yoongi smiles with amusement, raising an eyebrow, dropping the subject.

"Nah, I'll let them have the fun. I hope they don't waste all their energy before the show even started." Namjoon smiles, taking a sip of his tea.

Namjoon's stomach didn't settle when he got out like he hoped. Maybe it wasn't carsickness... Every jump, every turn, every quick position change. It made him feel worse. He was happy they didn't go all out for stage practice. His stomach gurgled angrily at the movements, but he didn't dare touch it to try to ease the pain. He knew the others were keeping a close eye on him.

"That was great, everyone!" J-hope tells his team with a warm smile. "That's enough practice for today. Namjoon-ah, you're sweating more than usual. Are you sure you're okay to perform tomorrow?"

"I lost some of my stamina, but I'll be fine. With a crowd cheering, it'll be much easier. I'll get to bed early tonight." Namjoon walks away from J-hope to get water, but when he goes to bend down to get it, another wave of pain washes over him, making him stumble forward.

"Woah, i got you." Jimin grabs him by the shoulders to steady him."Here, hyung, you can have mine.." Jimin offers his water bottle, helping him to the floor. "You should rest a bit.. You haven't fully recovered yet.."

"Thanks, Jimin.." Namjoon smiles forcing his voice to sound normal despite the cramping that made him feel dizzy.

"Jimin-sii! We figured out the part where all three of us can flash our abs! Come here!" Jungkook calls to him.

"Aiish, that kid.." Jimin smiles fondly.

"Go on. I'm fine." Namjoon shoos him away before Jimin realizes he wasn't just tired. He only allows himself a minute to rest, taking small sips of water before getting up to join the olders.Yoongi and J-hope were fussing over the minor details. "No, I think we should do more center stage.."

Namjoon went to ask what they were discussing, but a stomach cramp made nothing come out but a breathy groan, taking a few steps back before they noticed he approached.

Why now...? I need to get better not worse..

"I think we should do two songs on the left stage, three center and two on the right.." Yoongi countered.

"Namjoon-ah what do you think?"

J-hope was trying to ask him for advice, but he was too focused on keeping his stomach under control, walking a bit ahead of them to keep them from looking at him. "I trust your judgment.Do whatever you think is good Hoba."

"You don't trust mine?" Yoongi tries to tease him playfully, but Namjoon's eyes widen when he feels like he just disrespected his hyung.

"No, no its not like that Yoongi..I'm sorry." Namjoon does a slight bow, not wanting to bend.

"You don't have to be sorry.. Since we got that settled, let’s go back to the hotel." Yoongi gently pushed him towards the stairs.

He must be exhausted from practice. I think he came back too soon.

"I'll round up the kids." J-hope goes to the mankae line to tell them it was time to go, having the exact same thought as Yoongi.

The next day came, but instead of feeling better, Namjoon found himself three steps back. He woke up at six in the morning, dry heaving on the bathroom floor, already empty from the salad he had for dinner that night.

He was tempted to call Jin or Yoongi to come to his room, but then the concert popped in his mind, only making him feel worse..

It must just be stress and nerves.. I was cleared.. I can't still be sick..

Namjoon continued to lie to himself as he shakily rose to his feet getting himself a cup of hot water to try to sooth his raw throat.

"I don't have time for this...the concert is tonight.." Namjoon sighs, looking at his reflection in the mirror, seeing the dark circles and red cheeks. "I look awful.."

Namjoon quickly showers, putting on another layer of make up and taking another round of medicine to try to fight off the sickness that wouldn't leave.

"Good morning Hyung, did you sleep well?"

Jimin greets him with a worried expression when they meet up together to go back to the stadium. "Me and Junggukkie went out this morning to get you vitamins to try to help your energy for tonight."

"Thanks Jiminie..i probably slept a good five hours. It's hard to sleep on the first day of a concert.. especially when we're performing a song for the first time live." Namjoon replies, trying to keep the conversation off of him.

"I'm nervous but excited." Jungkook says bouncing his leg, clearly feeling more nervous than he's letting on.

"We practiced hard. We'll do fine." J-hope reassures him, taking his hand and giving it a squeeze.

Namjoon listened quietly to the others as they drove to the stadium, the others telling stories about past concerts, going over lyrics and practicing the native language. All the different conversations made his head spin.

"Are you okay Joon-ah?" J-hope asks when he sees Namjoon press his forehead into his palm.

"I'm just a little stressed, so it's giving me a headache. I'm worried about being able to keep up tonight." Namjoon couldn't say nothing was wrong.. not with J-hope. He was lucky his friend didn't catch on yesterday.

"If you want to sit on stage and just sing, you can Joon. You don't have to push yourself if you dont have the energy. I don’t want you fainting.." J-hope reassures Namjoon, squeezing his knee softly.

"Yeah joon. You shouldn't do more than you can.." Jin joins in the conversation, abandoning his conversation with Yoongi. Namjoon was more important than making sure he got the lyrics right..

"I'll see how I feel after the first few songs.. I know I'll feel stronger with army cheering. Don't worry about it. I'm just overthinking.." Namjoon tries to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

"Alright, but if I tell you you have to rest then you have to listen. Okay?" Jin speaks in a serious tone, not dropping it until he sees Namjoon nod.

I have to try...

Namjoon bit the inside of his cheek when he feels another cramp in his stomach. "Can we go over Just one day one more time?"

Namjoon took the cocktail of vitamins to try to fight off the fatigue that made him feel dizzy.

"Here hyung.." Taehyung gives him a thermos. "To help wash it down."

"Thanks Tete.." Namjoon guessed correctly when he let the warm liquid touch his tongue. It was tea, mixed with ginseng and honey.

"No problem.. ah..hyungie, are you sure you're okay?" Taehyung asks voice thick with worry.

"I can do this. Don't worry. Just focus on the concert.." Namjoon ruffles Taehyung's hair.

"Hyung! She just did my hair.." Taehyung pouts, swatting his hand away.

"Oh, sorry.. I didn't think of that." Namjoon lies. He knew exactly what he was doing. Getting rid of Taehyung before he got a closer look at him.

"It's okay. I'll get it redone." Taehyung returns to the stylist, bowing in apology.

Namjoon goes to his makeup stylist. "I'm sorry..I tried helping by doing a basic layer.." he was safe as long as staff was working on getting him ready. He just needed to do his best to not stick out before sound check.

Soundcheck came, all seven boys going on stage together, starting with just singing spring day then dancing to Fire. Spring day went smoothly, but when it came to the next song, he found himself out of sync, when he dropped low he couldn't jump back up as quickly as the others and no matter what he did go try to fix it, all the jumps made his stomach hate him even more.

Namjoon knew the choreography perfectly. They've done it multiple times at many concerts, award shows, even just as a warm-up during practices, but he just couldn't concentrate. He picked up his mistake right away, guilt churning in his stomach as he tries to correct himself, but he couldn't get himself back on track. He lost the beat.

Sh*t..fu*k..!

He tried to follow the movements of the others, nearly missing his part to rap when he notices everyone move back.

Namjoon closed his eyes, focusing on only the music, ignoring everything else. The pain in his stomach, the throbbing headache, the chills that kept making him shiver. No..no..I can do this..

His mind and his body weren't in agreement. He ran into Jin when he was trying to switch positions, but both boys pretended nothing happened.

Namjoon felt tears swelling up, each wrong step weighing heavier than the last, making him feel worse. I can't do this...

Namjoon had to get off the stage, but in his feverish state he ends up going the wrong way, nearly stepping off the stage, army squealing to see him so close, some trying to grab him.

"No Namjoon-ah!" J-hope is the one to grab hold of him, pulling him by the back of his jacket.

"Hoseok-Ah, what's wrong?" Namjoon jumps when he feels J-hope grab the back of his jacket, noticing the end of the stage quickly backing up two steps. "Oh sh*t!"

"Namjoon-ah.." J-hope moves in front of Namjoon to look into his eyes, noticing they don't focus on him, looking glassy. "Joon, are you okay?"

Namjoon quickly looks away when he sees J-hope's panicked expression, but it is too late, he's already checking him over placing the back of his hand across his forehead.

"Namjoonie, your fevers returned.." J-hope states, sucking his breath through his teeth. "You're burning up with fever. "

"I'm fine." Namjoon pushes his hand away. "It's just the stage lights. It's hot here."

"Then why didn't you take off your jacket if it's so hot?" Yoongi was done with his excuses. Hw takes Namjoon's hand, pulling him backstage. "Hoba, please handle things up here.."

J-hope nods, going by Seokjin. "We aren't doing the small talk with army.

"Why? What's wrong?" Seokjin asks as soon as J-hope approaches when he notices Yoongi and Namjoon leaving the stage.

"Namjoon is still sick..Yoongi went to take care of him.." J-hope answers, bowing to army when he passes them.

Jin wanted to follow Yoongi but knew they couldn't just abruptly leave. They had to be professional. He gathers the remaining members to quickly say goodbye to the army, trying his best to hide the concern.

"Stay here for a bit, we'll handle things backstage.." j-hope orders the younger members.

"Love you army!" Jimin yells into the mic, giving a thumbs up to j-hope.

"Sorry..." Jungkook apologize into his.

Seokjin goes backstage to find Yoongi striping Namjoon out of the jean jacket he was wearing. "Yoongi, how is he?"

"Namjoonie is running a high fever.." Yoongi explains, taking a towel to wipe the sweat from Namjoon’s face. "I can't believe I didn't notice until now."

"It's not a big deal.." Namjoon says softly, not having the energy to fight off Yoongi removing his shoes and socks.

"Be quiet Namjoon-ah.. let me take care of you." Yoongi gently orders him. "Joon, did you bring any medicine with you?"

Namjoon nods, Seokjin quickly going to find where the young rapper put it. He finds the liquid medicine Namjoon shoved in his bag pouring some out for him to drink.

"Hyungie is still sick?" Jungkook runs towards them.

"Did you explain things to army?"

"I did my best without trying to worry them.."

"I tried too, but they see right through my lies."Taehyung bows his head in apology. "I'm sorry hyung.."

"It's fine Hyung. They'd find out sooner or later." Yoongi takes the medicine from Seokjin, tipping the cup to Namjoon's lips.

Namjoon tries to swallow, but it doesn't make it past his throat before his breakfast from this morning makes a reappearance, heaving loudly as the half digested rice sprays across the floor before anyone has time to react.

"Sh*t..Sh*t Joon.." Yoongi looks around with widened eyes for something for him to get sick in before the next retching comes.

J-hope feels nauseous when he hears it, backing up slowly. Namjoon feels his stomach knot up even more with guilt when he sees him fleeing, along with seeing the mess he's made, some of the white mush hitting Yoongi's shoes. "I..i..so..rrp-" He burps up more sick puffing up his cheeks, refusing to let more hit the already soiled floor.

Seokjin provides him with one placing it in front of Namjoon, gently rubbing his back. "It's okay baby, it's okay.. it's not your fault.."

Namjoon allows the sick to fill the bin, gripping the small bin, his knuckles turning white. His stomach churns again, pushing up watery liquid. "Hyung...it h..hurts.." he says in a breathy whimper as his body continues, heaving not allowing him any breaks to breathe.

"I know, Joonah, I know.. it'll be over soon.. just try to take deep breaths.. you're hyperventilating, sweetie.."

"I..i..I ca..." Namjoon coughs, gagging up nothing but foamy salvia.

"You need to try.." Yoongi gently urges him.

Namjoon takes a deep breath, whimpering when he feels the pain burning his sides.

"That's it, good, good..." Seokjin let's go of the breath didn't even realize he was holding when he hears Namjoon's retching dying down, leaving the rapper trembling and fighting to catch his breath.

Seokjin gently peels Namjoons fingers from the waste bin, gently pulling him back away from the mess. "Here Joon-ah..lay down baby.. it's okay.."

Seokjin places Namjoon's head in his lap, gently moving his plastered bangs from his forehead, gently rubbing his thumb across Namjoon’s temple"There is that any better?"

"I..I'm dizzy..an..and the f..floor is c.cold..Hyung.." Namjoon murmurs, clinging to Seokjin's waist. The oldest vocalist gets startled by his sudden affection.

"Oh Joon-ah, you're really not doing well.." Yoongi takes the towel to wipe the sweat off of Namjoon's skin.

"We need to get him to a hospital.." Seokjin motions for the staff who's been watching the scene, but Namjoon grabs his wrist.

"I'll..I'll be okay in a few minutes..no..no hospital..i have to perform.." Namjoon coughs, his throat still burning.

"Hyungie.. you can't.. you're sick.." Jungkook kneels down in front of him. "I know how hard it is to sit out, but you can't perform .."

"I won't m.mmess up th..this time.." Namjoon whimpers out the words.

"No one cares you messed up, baby. You just can't perform in this condition.." Seokjin tries to stroke his hair but Namjoon pushes his hand away.

Namjoon sits up, swaying into Seokjin. "I..I have to! We've all been practicing for months, we've been getting army ex..exci..ted.. I..I can't d..disappoi.." His voice breaks off in a sob when his stomach turns into a ball of anxiety, clutching his stomach.

Jungkook hugs onto his ailing hyung. "Don't cry it's okay..it's..we understand, and so does army. You can't help it if you're sick.." he strokes Namjoon's back, feeling the heat radiating off of him. "You're gonna make yourself worse..pleaSe..?" The last word cracks as he breaks into a sob.

"Kook-ah don't.." Namjoon whispers.

Don't cry because of me..I've already ruined enough.. you still have to sing tonight..

"Hyungie I'm..I'm sorry.." Jungkook lip quivers, voice coming out as a shaky whimper when he feels Namjoon growing heavier in his arms the shivering worsening. "Namjoon-ah!"

"I..I'm..I'm okay..ju..jus..dizty..." Namjoon's words come out slurred, pressing his forehead into his shoulder.

"We need to cool him down.. could I have an ice pack?" Seokjin asks staff, already having some on hand. "Thank you.." he bows his head as he take one, placing it on the nape of Namjoon's neck after wrapping it in a towel.

"That's cold..!" Namjoon whines, clinging closer to the warm mankae.

"It's okay Hyung...I got you.." Jungkook rubs Namjoon’s shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension out wanting to do something to help. "You gotta rel..relax a little okay..?" His voice trembled with the tears that could not control.

Namjoon takes a few deep breaths, enduring the cold. I gotta..or I can't perform..

Jungkook sniffles, wiping his nose, feeling his heart and getting lighter when Namjoon stops leaning on him so heavily, the shivers becoming less violent. "I..I think it's working..'

"Sorry Jungkook-ah.." Namjoon murmurs an apology. "I..I'm good now.."

"Don't be sorry Hyungie.. it's okay. Lean on me as much as you want.."

Namjoon shakes his head. "No.. no..I'm being..a big baby..not your hyung.. You guys are right..I can't do this.."

Jungkook feels the tension in his body loosen when he hears Namjoon sounding more like himself. "It's okay.."

"Hyung...hyung listen!" Taehyung blurts out everyone getting quiet to listen.

"Kim Namjoon..It's okay!" The stadium were all cheering over and over.

Namjoon smiles softly. "Seems you're right Koo.."

#bts #bts boys #bts sickfic #bts fanfic #bts sickie #bts taehyung #bts jungkook #bts namjoon #bts jhope #bts jimin #bts yoongi #sick!fic #sick!namjoon

[rpgwrites]

Something personal....

I'm doing really good but I decided to share how my sugar have been. Last year I lost weight. It happened really fast. I was still overweight but not so much. I was getting thinner and thinner. I got lots of compliments and I was no longer seen as the unhealthy one. I was seen as the healthy one. I felt really good about myself. But as no one knew I ate extremely wrong. I cheated a lot. I was a bad diabetic. I skipped breakfast and still do.

The reason for this was I moved and lived on my own. Well sort of.... I rented a room in a house. I couldn't afford my diet but I also didn't care. I cut a lot back and while I could have bought healthier food I didn't. Sometimes when I had extra money and my depression got worse I ate junk food. The thing is I could have done better but didn't. It was easier not to.

Six months ago I was hospitalised with ketones and I thought things would change but didn't. I ate a lot better more healthier. But it's hard for me. Not financially anymore but emotionally.

In February one morning no one could wake me up. Luckily I was surrounded by people that cared and helped me. My sugar got really high then really low and I had to miss work. Everyone at work thought it was stress but I don't think it has been.

Then 3 weeks ago I got sick. Last week it got worse. I had flu symptoms but then developed ketones. I lost my appetite and lost weight again. I went to the doctor and she was concerned about ketones and I tested positive again. Luckily I wasn't hospitalised but the next day it got worse and I had no choice but to go.

So I missed work for a week thanks to my ketones. I don't know if it is because of my sugar that is not under control or if my flu symptoms had a part. I went home last Friday and I'm much better. I'm trying harder.

But the truth is I fell off the wagon. And it's hard to get there. I'm scared to gain all that weight again. But I will get better at this again.

I thought I could share this.

#Something personal #Diabetes

[shae-c-art]

Hey everyone. It’s been awhile. I’m back. Kinda. I’m not really used to being this vulnerable, but I’ve been gone for so long and so much happened in my personal life that I feel like I need to explain more than just being vague about life getting hard. This post got longer than expected so I put it under the cut. Just a heads up, there’s a lot to do with physical disability, surgery, illness, depression and the pandemic in this post.

To start, I don’t actually know the words to fully describe it, but mentally I shut down. I could not cope anymore with the stress of the pandemic and trying to protect everyone in my family while also being immune compromised myself. I just collapsed in on myself. I didn’t even realize it was happening till it happened. I kept looking for solutions without really letting myself recognize the problem, because admitting that my depression was getting to the point of overwhelming me, even with medicine and a therapist and friends, was to scary and painful. I didn’t know what to do. Distractions weren’t working. I lost so much time because every day blended into each other and that led to weeks and months blending together, and I shattered. I over promised to people and couldn’t deliver. I signed up for things and had to drop out. 

I was drowning without realizing I’d even slipped under the water. 

Then my body seemed to catch up with my mental state. I wound up being violently sick for a month. It wasn’t Covid. It was a flu that I truly believe if I’d lived in another time period, would have killed me. I had to be admitted to Urgent Care twice for dehydration, I lost weight rapidly because I couldn’t keep anything down, not even water, and my fever got to 102 at one point. When I finally got to the end of that though, there was one more surprise in store for me. I have arthritis. I’ve had it ever since I was a kid. Often times people just associate it with achy joints but it’s so much more than that. It’s an autoimmune disease that causes the body to attack healthy cells by mistake. That’s what leads to the inflammation and swelling of joints. I’m on something now that helps that by suppressing my immune system, but that also makes me more vulnerable to other things and if you’re sick or have an infection, you’re not supposed to take it. So I didn’t take it during the month I was sick. 

Cue my immune system picking up, but because of the arthritis, it went into overdrive and went overboard from after the virus was gone. This wound up causing intense inflammation and pain, specifically in my right knee and elbows. My left arm and right knee especially, I could no longer straighten either out completely, but my leg was the worst. I have never been in the kind of pain I was in during that. It didn’t matter if I was laying or sitting down, if my leg was elevated, level or down, I was just in overwhelming pain. I wound up going to the Emergency Room and being admitted to the hospital for surgery so my knee could be drained. 

I’d like to say I came out of it totally fine right away and it was great. But that wasn’t the case. I had to face one of my greatest fears which is helplessness, because I was. I no longer had the ability to get up from a bed or chair easily or walk on my own. For a few days after I got home from the hospital, I had to have someone hold onto me if I needed to walk because even with a walker, I couldn’t do it on my own. 

Eventually I was able to use a walker on my own and from there move onto using a cane instead. 

It was months of recovery though, not just to rebuild leg strength, but to heal enough from the flu, the arthritis flare up and surgery, to be able to not get exhausted and need to sleep after only a few hours of being awake. 

I’m now able to walk again on my own without assistance and my arms and leg have full mobility again. I’m still not at the leg strength I was previously, but that’s going to come with time and building my muscles again. 

It felt important to me to make this post. Because I’m not good at admitting, even to myself let alone others, that I’m not okay and that I have limitations. I’m so used to just downplaying how I feel and saying I’m okay, even when I’m really not. I made this post too because I was anxious about making this post and coming back because I feel like I’ve been drowning for so long that even now that I’m out of the water, I’m not sure how to begin rebuilding. But I know I want too and that I need to. I think if I had let myself recognize what I was going through much earlier with my mental state, I wouldn’t have over promised things to people or signed up for things and had to drop out and overall, I wouldn’t have disappointed others if I had actually acknowledged that I wasn’t doing good. I couldn’t have avoided the health issues, but I think even they would have felt less emotionally and mentally traumatic, if I had let myself acknowledge previously that I wasn’t doing good and couldn’t take on anything else, even if I wanted to. 

I’m doing that now though. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long without a word. I’m sorry if I worried anyone or let anyone down by my absence and lack of communication. I own that. That’s part of the rebuilding process and rebuilding relationships that I let falter because I couldn’t keep up my end. 

I’m doing better now, but I’m not sure if I truly feel I can say I’m okay. It’s something I’m having to take day by day and saying ‘I’m okay’ when I wasn’t, is something that came back to bite me. So even though I’m not sure if I’m okay mentally now, I know I am doing better, and one day I will feel confident in saying I’m okay. 

Thank you all for reading this. I hope this helps knowing more about what happened and why I just vanished from tumblr the way I did. I’m not sure how active I can be right now, but I’m still here. Thank you all. 

#personal update

[ufuckingpastry]

Had a luncheon at work and all the ladies around me like "man I really want that cake, but I shouldn't" or "man I went up for seconds, and I feel bad about it"

And I'm like "my philosophy is eat when you're hungry, were you hungry?"

Like, I know I've gained weight since working full time, cuz I don't go out and exercise the way I should. But also fuck literally every weight loss ad/diet. Any time you lose a lot of weight fast, it's super easy to get back. If you're continually limiting your calorie intake (starving yourself or not), your body's gonna change how you hold onto fat and resources in your body to make sure it's saving those things so you can function.

I've learned a lot about myself this year, including that hunger is a trigger for my ADHD. If I'm hungry, no amount of stimulants' gonna fix me. If I wanna function and not jump into stressed pastry mode where I get very angry very quickly, I gotta eat something.

I keep hearing one of the ladies who was trying to convince the other to weigh herself after being sick, cuz she probably lost weight. Yeah! No shit! If you're sick to the point of not eating, you're gonna lose weight!!! That's a bad thing!!!

I got super fucking sick in 2019 due to getting the flu and then also bronchitis that fucked my lungs up for an entire year after! I barely ate anything for a week! And I lost 10lbs!

You know what I also lost? The ability to get up a flight of stairs without taking multiple breaks to get my breath back! The ability to hold my arms above my head enough to wash my fucking hair! I was so sick and I wasn't hungry and I couldn't force myself to eat.

And when I told one of the ladies about that experience, she immediately jumped into the "oh that's so great, you look so great, I can really tell!" like she's been trained to do for the last several decades of her life!

This was meant to be wholesome, but I got pissed off and the words gotta come out somewhere lest they fester within me.

#pastry noises #ask to tag

[thewirewitch]

I posted 1,157 times in 2022

That's 1,074 more posts than 2021!

74 posts created (6%)

1,083 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@softichill

@calagua

@reffiespace

@regardsandregrets

I tagged 1,151 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#reblog - 1,051 posts

#text post - 141 posts

#reblog game - 133 posts

#my stuff - 90 posts

#video - 70 posts

#important - 70 posts

#birds - 43 posts

#tw caps - 41 posts

#tw swearing - 39 posts

#gif - 37 posts

Longest Tag: 124 characters

#the disappointment is immeasurable when i check out an album and find only one song has the right sound to it from that band

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

That post I just reblogged reminded me of how much I hate the color salmon, especially when I try to sort items by color, specifically Silly Bands.

I collected Silly Bands as a kid (still have them by the way) and there was this one...just this one that was salmon. Pretty sure it’s a fire extinguisher, but I would end up putting it in the pink pile, then the orange pile, then the pink, then the orange, and I just couldn’t accept it in either pile so I left it all alone which also made me unhappy because it was the only one that didn’t have any color matches.

Salmon is too orange to be pink and too pink to be orange.

7 notes - Posted July 6, 2022

#4

Gonna talk about some serious stuff.

If you’re not up to hear about sickness or hospital or personal stuff, please don’t read under the cut because that’s what I’ll be talking about and I’ll be giving some details which will probably be tmi (to much information) but I wanna let those who want to know what’s up some detailed stuff about what’s been going on.

If you don’t want to read all that: I haven’t been feeling good for about a week+ now. I have been trying to get a diagnosis. I got nothing so far.

For the past...a few days over a week now, I’ve been waking up feeling pretty bad. Rapid heartbeat, cold chills (usually), uneasy stomach, weakness, diarrhea, dehydration, it hasn’t been fun. It’s been hard for me to get into the right mood to eat something even when I’m hungry, and recently I’ve also been unable to tell when my bladder is full and also the past two days when I woke up my feet were halfway asleep. This has never happened before and it’s been worrying me.

I went to an Urgent Care three days ago. They took swabs for covid and flu. Both were negative. They took a urine test, and they found nothing. They want me to bring them a stool sample, which I hope will give them the answers that they need to help me feel better, but some issues came up where that day I barely ate anything, then next I was able to eat, and this morning I incorrectly got a sample because they originally gave me the wrong stuff (AKA not enough stuff) and no instructions.

Yesterday I went to the hospital’s emergency room to get some stuff done. They took blood samples, urine samples, and did a covid swab. All came back without any answers. I thought I may have been low on iron, but they said that my iron levels were fine, I was just dehydrated.

I have a doctor’s appointment in 7 days. I hope either Urgent Care figures out what’s going on or I feel better before that appointment. I can tell I’ve already lost weight and my energy levels have been pretty low. I don’t want to have to wait that long to possibly get an answer.

8 notes - Posted September 15, 2022

#3

Today is my birthday.

I know it’s 8pm and I could have posted this a lot earlier but I was distracted by getting and later eating cake.

9 notes - Posted August 28, 2022

#2

The fun thing about listening to radio static for hours on end is that you begin to hear things that aren’t really there.

Voices, music, patterns, indistinguishable tones. You catch small glimpses of these sounds, small scraps of something that never was.

You hear the ghosts of stations you’ve listened to, frequencies you’ve picked up in the past. But it’s just you and the sound of undead air.

10 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Oh shoot it's National Throw Short People Day.

Have mercy on me!

(⊙_⊙;)

12 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#my 2022 tumblr year in review #long post #Oh yeah the sick post #Some of those notes were from myself

[lasatgirl60]

Caught the flu on Wednesday, and it has made me very sick!  Between body aches, chills, fever of over 103, sore throat and cough, I feel like I went ten rounds with a Bantha!  Today the fever is finally gone and other than feeling very tired and weak, I think I’m on the mend!  This is the first time I’ve had the flu or a cold in three years!  I think that’s why I got so sick!  Haven’t done much all week except lay in bed and watch DVD’s, mostly of the The Three Stooges.  These guys always make me feel better.  Watched them a lot while I was going through chemo treatments.  Have lost weight since I had some stomach problems too besides the cough and sore throat.  In the area of Washington State where I live, the flu is very bad right now and I’m surprised that I didn’t end up in the hospital, but I think the covid booster shot I got last month warded off the worst of the symptoms.  Hope to feel better in a few days to a week as I’ve missed out on some Christmas get-togethers already. A few days ago I would’ve loved someone furry like Zeb to cuddle up to despite his musky scent.  I think he’d be great to cuddle up to on a snowy night when one has the flu.   

#personal #sick with flu #slow recovery #hope to do more sketching and writing when I feel better

[fusion-ego]

𓇼Update𓇼

Genuinely cannot remember the last time I made one of these, but it was probably in like November or something. Anyways let's just jump in.

✩ Still living in the church that belongs to my grandma. Also due to a Situation we moved our best friend in with us as both a safety precaution and because that's always kinda been the plan.

✩ Unemployed at the moment. Would prefer to not be but we're working on that.

✩ Went to see my aunt and uncle (and cousins) for Christmas because my best friend and husband were out of town with a friend of my husband's. Had a good time, ate lots of food, aaaaaand got the fucking flu from my cousin lmao. Spent the next week+ laid up in bed with a fever, constant migraines, and the obvious coughing/vomiting issues. I have never had the flu before so I felt like death. And I probably ate like... 12oz of food the entire time so I've lost weight again (drat).

✩ Between being sick (from Dec. 26th, 2023 to January 4th, 2024) and now, I got about... A week of peace? And then the weather in my area dropped into the single digits! And the church has TERRIBLE insulation, so suffice it to say we could LITERALLY use the back hallway as a freezer. We've been practically hibernating up until yesterday when the weather warmed up a bit.

✩ Meanwhile, I also found out I'm going to be a big sibling! My mom found out she was pregnant on Christmas. I was kind of ambivalent on the subject because like... How bizarre is it to find out that, at 24, your parents have finally managed to conceive another kid?? But then mom sent me a video of her sonogram and I had Strong Feelings lmao.

✩ Also, both of my parents have good jobs in Arizona! My mom is making somewhere around $20/hr doing clerical work at an RV dealership, dad is making closer to $30 as an RV maintenance tech at a different dealership. As a result, we have my next point.

✩ On Christmas Eve, my parents and I discussed how my husband and I would be getting to Arizona. They're adamant about helping us get there since we weren't supposed to have to come back to Illinois to begin with after my car broke down in Missouri, and my dad made (what I thought was) an off-handed joke about me just setting up like 50 interviews out there and he'd pay to fly me out there to get to them. Well, he wasn't joking! He was 100% serious, as we discussed the following day.

✩ So in the midst of being sick and hibernating through the shitty weather, I've also been applying to a crapload of jobs in Arizona. I've got a phone interview for one tomorrow and I'm in talks with some other jobs about setting up interviews in-person.

✩ On that note, my parents jumped to getting things set up. I've got a flight booked for February 10th!

✩ ... Which means I have a crapload of things to get done in the next three weeks, like packing, helping our best friend get his license (that was also always the plan, I was just hoping to let him get his practice in warmer weather lmao), and setting things up so my husband and I (hopefully) won't have simultaneous breakdowns about being 1600 miles apart for potentially several months while I'm working and saving money to get it and our best friend out there as well.

✩ As always, my commissions are open and I appreciate any support y'all can give lol

✩ That's all? ✩

#update post #update post: 01/22/2024 #update #fusionego.txt #matt talks #moving mania

[nutravibes]

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[toomanysurveys9]

Have you done any of the same things as me? [2022 Edition] by joybucket experienced something amazing and miraculous? 🤩 Not miraculous. But amazing, yes. Amazing times with family, like a couple family vacations. Watching my brother graduate basic and AIT. Watching Wyatt start school and learn so much. Got to see my best friend I hadn’t seen in YEARS. Just to name a few.

switched to a new primary care doctor? Nope.

tried a new medication? 💊 Maybe a new cold and flu medicine.

felt afraid to leave the house? Sometimes.

had a new neighbor move in?

Yeah.

met a new neighbor? Yeah, the ones that moved in this past year

read the entire Bible? 📖 Nope.

had a smoothie that tasted really, really good? 🍹 I don’t think so last year, but this year I did!

had some significant health issues? Nope.

made a lot of surveys? I don’t make surveys.

taken a lot of surveys? No. I hope this year I can take more. I have missed doing them and this community.

gave yourself a significant haircut? 💇‍♀️ Not this year.

discovered a new YouTube channel you really liked? I don’t think so.

discovered a new favorite book? 📖 I did not really read too many new books.

re-read a book you really liked? 📖 Yes.

debated reaching out to someone and asking for prayer, but didn’t? 🙏 I don’t believe in prayer.

started taking a new birth control pill? No. Breastfeeding has been a phenomenal birth control.

experienced anaphylaxis? No.

…and then had to be on Prednisone for three months because of it? Nope.

gained weight from a medication? Not from medication.

…and then lost some of it once you were off the medication, but not all of it? Not from medication.

discovered you had steroid-induced diabetes? Nope.

daydreamed a lot? 💭 Oh yeah.

had overdue library books? 📚 Nope.

worn a mask? 😷 I had to at work most of the year. There was a month or two when we didn’t have to at work, but it was short-lived, and I ended up wearing it even though it wasn’t required most of the time anyways because I didn’t want my kids to get sick.

worn a mask when cleaning, because you’re allergic to dust mites? 😷 No.

went days without washing your hair? So many days. With so many people living here and so much on my plate, I’m lucky if I get to actually wash my hair twice a week. But most of the people living here will be moving out soon.

felt overjoyed one day and then depressed the next? Story of my life, although I’m not sure I’d say I was usually overjoyed.

thought about how much you missed going to church? ⛪️ Nope.

thought about how much you missed painting? 🖼 Nope. I’m not artisitic.

….and thought about how you’d like to start painting again? 

Nope.

found out that someone got hit by a car and died while crossing a street that you cross all the time?

Not that I can think of. enjoyed watching the snow fall? ❄️ I was happy to have snow on Christmas day, but that is the only day I’m okay with having snow.

wished you had a car? 🚘 Nope. I wished we had a different car. But at least we have one I guess.

talked to your mom on the phone? 📱 Yeah.

talked to your mom online? 💬 Yeah.

realized none of your bras fit you anymore? Nope.

received a package in the mail? 📦 Stuff I ordered online, yeah.

started watching Youtube Shorts regularly? Nope.

practiced self-hypnosis? 😵 No. I don’t even know what that is.

discovered a new food you really liked? I’m not sure. Nothing specific comes to mind.

discovered your bike had a flat tire? 🚴 I don’t even own one.

made a new playlist of songs you really liked? 🎶 I don’t make playlists. I just use Pandora.

got rid of a ton of old clothes? 👚 Old baby/kid clothes.

ran/walked a Christmas-themed race? 🏃‍♀️ No.

watched your city’s Christmas parade? We don’t have one.

enjoyed eating salads? 🥗 Here and there.

enjoyed eating chocolate pie? I don’t really eat chocolate pie.

celebrated Thanksgiving alone? Nope. My family is too big for that. They’d never allow it.

celebrated your birthday alone? ^^^

didn’t really have a good birthday? It wasn’t bad. 

almost died multiple times? Nope.

enjoyed reading the Bible? 📖 Nope.

danced around your living room? 💃 I did that pretty often with my babies.

written in cursive? ✍️ Only when I had to sign my name... like every day for work.

written in a journal? 📓 Not as often as I wish I had.

written in a one-line-a-day journal? 📔 Nope.

accidentally dropped a dish and broke it? Not that I can remember.

went for a walk through the cemetery on Halloween? No. I take my kids trick or treating.

not brought your camera with you somewhere, and then wished you had? 📸 All the time.

discovered a new really good book? No. Again.

read a book with a character named Simone in it? No.

had a doctor get irritated with you? No.

had a doctor not believe you about something? Not that I can think of.

broke out in acne all over your face? The bottom half of my face. Damn masks.

found out one of your friends had COVID? 🦠 Probably.

wondered if you had COVID? 🦠 I did get COVID last year.

played Mahjong on your phone? 🀄️ Nope.

used a lot of emojis? 🦄 🤪 💃 Probably.

wore a cheetah-print mask? I did not.

worshiped God? 💃 I’m not a believer.

uploaded some new photos to Facebook? A lot of pictures. I’m always uploading photos. Mostly of my kids. We have family in different states that are only able to watch them grow up that way.

sorted through some old photos on your computer? Yeah, probably.

wondered why your fridge was making funny noises? Yeah. Our house is falling apart.

gone for lovely and enchanting walks in the fall? 🍁 I guess.

wore the same outfit for days? Probably.

worn slipper socks? Nope.

gone out to eat with your parents? We do that a lot.

enjoyed looking at your friends’ baby pictures on Facebook? Yeah.

wondered what one of your friends was going to name her baby? Yeah.

wished someone would invite you to church, but no one did? Nope.

took more medication than you were supposed to when you were in severe pain? Nope.

wished autocorrect didn’t make so many annoying errors? Yeah.

wished your cramps would go away? Didn’t really have cramps because I haven’t had a period since before I was pregnant with Nora. So it’s been about two years now.

enjoyed having a conversation with a random stranger while waiting in line for something? Not really.

wished you could see your cousins more? Yeah.

thought about how much you used to love church? Nope.

had a certain traumatic incident keep coming back to haunt you? Yeah.

debated trying to get to know your neighbors more? Not really.

not eaten anything sweet on your birthday? Nope.

….for the first time ever, since you normally eat cake on your birthday? Nope.

eaten a lot of mango popsicles? Nope.

#survey #surveys #personal #question #questions #random

[myimmunesystemsucks]

5/18/2023

In January or February of this year I contracted COVID-19. I didn’t end up extremely sick, thankfully. I just felt like I had the flu. I’m thankful that nothing worse happened because I don’t have a great immune system (the title of my blog explains that). I think that because I was vaccinated and had a booster shot, I was better off. Around this same time I got engaged to my boyfriend of 10 years.

I haven’t had any big, notable events in my illness. I have been getting infusions of Rituximab every 6 months. The first few times I got an infusion, I had a reaction to the medication. My doctor told me this was normal because my body doesn’t understand what I’m putting in it. My throat would get itchy and swollen during the infusion. They combatted this by slowing down the rate of the medication. They also give me IV Benadryl and that helps a lot too. However, the Benadryl makes me a little loopy. I end up slurring my words and taking a nap most of the time while watching Animal Planet on the tv.

The one thing that has been very hard for me lately is that I can’t talk to any of my doctors about my joint pain because they automatically assume it is related to the fact that I am overweight. One of my doctors wanted to refer me to a physical therapist and I laughed. No thanks. I’ve done that before in the past. The only good part about it was the time that my physical therapist gave me a back massage after I did my stretches. I have lost a bit of weight but I’ve reached a plateau because I have been so busy with school that I was not able to exercise. I also obtained a job in July of last year that requires me to do a bit of physical work. It’s becoming a little too much for my body but at least it makes me physically active 3 days a week. Now that I am out of school, I am considering going back to doing low impact workout videos online. We will see how that goes because my depression has been hellbent on preventing me from doing productive things.

Sometimes I get mad when people who don’t have a similar illness try to comment on my pain. They try to tell me to change my diet, take essential oils, etc etc. I really don’t appreciate comments like that. I used to actively ask for support from others but now I don’t really say anything because I don’t want to hear opinions. When I say that I want support, I mean that I want it without opinions and suggestions. I don’t want opinions or suggestions unless I specifically ask for them. I’m even a little skeptical of people with my illness giving suggestions because I don’t know how true their statements are. Not everything works for everyone. People are all very different in the way their bodies work.

The last thing I wanted to talk about in this post was how I feel going to regular doctor’s appointments. I am referring to specialist appointments and my primary care doctor. My chronic illness has not only caused physical pain but also mental pain. I think I must have some trauma from going through the painstaking process of getting diagnosed. Anyone who has a chronic illness knows how terrifying it is to go through hundreds of tests before they can begin to consider treatments. There is a feeling of horror as your body rips you from the inside out. No one can see your pain besides you. Everything looks normal from the outside until it is too late.

Am I faking it? Am I losing my mind? Are my symptoms real?

Just as I am starting to heal the hurt inside of me, I find the wound reopened when I go to doctors’ visits. I felt “normal” for about 6 months and began to go back to my life. When I go to the doctor, I have to get more blood work done and tests. It “triggers” those old feelings of terror, trauma, and helplessness. I sob a lot after many of those medical visits. But I usually don’t let anyone see my tears because I know they wont understand. I only let my fiancé see me cry about my illness because I feel okay being vulnerable around him. I’m afraid of letting people know that I feel suicidal when Pandora’s Box opens and I see a glimpse at my reality. It feels good to put my feelings in this textbox, even if it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Maybe my toxic thoughts will be released from me by writing them down.

- Callie.

#tw illness

[codename-adler]

Death of Heroes

Because not even Neil can outrun the ephemerality of men.

Renee is the first one to go. 

Nearing sixty but never reaching it, she is outlived by Abby and Wymack. At least Stephanie Walker is waiting for her at the gates of Heaven, but for the rest of her Foxes, the loss is heavy.

It’s cancer. Leukemia.

It started with the bruises from her sparring matches with Andrew not healing very well. Then not at all. After decades of maintaining these monthly meetings, of keeping her body healthy, Renee finally has to give it up. She knows something is wrong, and she knows that these sessions won’t be of any help, now.

Then the extreme fatigue starts. Still, Renee doesn’t do a thing about it. Or at least, she lets life go its own course. She looses weight, which she already doesn’t have much of. But then the nosebleeds begin, and it’s no use telling Allison to stop worrying. The diagnosis is unsurprising, yet still shattering. And it’s not a good prognosis either, but it’s still not bad enough for the doctor to give up the Five-Year survival plan.

Renee has to speak up. Ally, I don’t want to do this. She has to put her foot down. Allison, my love, it’ll be okay. I won’t get better, you and I both know that. But it can be okay. It can still be good.

Renee doesn’t get treatment. Renee doesn’t tell anybody, except Andrew. Because Andrew knows, somehow, that she made a terrible, irreversible choice. Because Andrew only deals in truths. Because Andrew is Andrew, and just as he needed her all those years ago, she needs him now.

A little more than six months pass, with less and less outings from Renee and more and more excuses from Allison, and Renee gets sick. Really sick. It starts like a regular cold. Then it looks more like the flu. And suddenly it’s pneumonia, and respiratory difficulties, and lung failure. She’s in that hospital bed, wearing that gown, breathing in that mask. Renee finally nods to Allison, giving her consent.

Ally makes the call.

Only Andrew and Dan make it in time.

Renee Walker goes out like a light.

The Foxes, who had once upon a time been used to murders, life-threatening schemes and acts of extreme violence, had never really known Death itself. The simple, yet inevitable fate of human lives. Of going quietly into the night. It’s all so quiet. So anticlimactic. It’s so quiet, too quiet, too heavy with silence. This time, there is no one to blame, no one to punish, no one to take responsibility.

It’s just life. It’s just death.

Wymack and Abby can’t believe that one of their Foxes, on of their kids, left before them. Renee’s Korean roots made her look barely a day over forty, which made it all so much worse. Renee’s death takes a toll on every single one of them. Because it’s Renee, the best of them. Because all her papers are in orders, her will to date, her wishes known; just as when she was alive, she leaves no chaos behind her.

There is nothing and no one to be mad at, except life.

In the cemetery where Stephanie Walker is buried, Andrew buys a large lot of land. (Large enough to one day welcome all the Foxes) The tomb is moved over there, and Renee’s name is added. A tree is planted above her scattered ashes. It’s very small, very fragile, but with the years, it grows strong.

For the first time, the Foxes realize that, despite going through Hell and back in their youth, they are not immortal. There is nothing to be done about that, but it hurts. It hurts to lose their angel this way, so soon, so suddenly. It hurts to lose, period. It feels like a failure, like giving up. They lost her. They lost.

But somehow, they gained something else they might never know about. Renee might have been the only religious one among them, but that didn’t stop her from becoming their Guardian Angel. Because somehow, from then on, the Foxes were spared.

Let me show you.

Just as Bee had a few years before Renee, Abby, then Wymack, simply die in their sleep, no fight, no agony. None of them have to see another Fox go before them. They don’t have to go through that indescribable ordeal ever again. They are spared the pain.

Then decades pass, enough for the remaining Foxes to grow very old, and live very long. Not infinitely, but long enough.

Matt is the next one to go.

Matt has worked hard all his life, both mentally and physically. It comes to no surprise, then, that arthritis chose to invade his body. For the first few years living with the diagnosis, natural medicine and osteopathy are enough to keep the pain at bay. It doesn’t stop Matt from doing anything. He babysits his 9 grandchildren with Dan every week; he goes on roadtrips with Dan every summer; he goes on a light jog with Dan every day.

It’s just that one day, it’s not enough anymore. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the pain becomes too much for Matt to do his day-to-day activities. And really, the pain, he could take; it was an old friend, a familiar feeling, almost like a sixth sense.

It was the mental toll of it all that he couldn’t take. To have to say no to seeing his grandchildren. No to driving around endlessly and aimlessly for hours. No to waking up in sync with Dan every morning, and no to their routine, and no, and no, and just- not living.

For the first time in a long time, Matt doesn’t want to do this anymore.

But he does, still. He smiles, and he lies, and he tries to will away the pain.

It all comes down to one afternoon, when he takes his painful walk of the day around the neighborhood. There are three little kids playing Exy in their driveway, when suddenly a ball escapes their racquets and rolls down in the street. The smallest kid runs after it, runs and runs and runs, without looking. Kind of like Neil, Matt thinks to himself before his body acts of his own. The kid doesn’t see the car, and the car doesn’t see the kid. Matt sees both.

The BMW is going way over the limit, its sleek black sides reflecting the sun too brightly. Despite his pain, despite his age, despite his now slow reflexes, Matt leaps. He screams at the kid to stop and turn around, to let the ball roll away, but to no avail. 

Matt pushes the kid away in time for the car to hit him instead, and only him.

The rest becomes a blur, but the final verdict is as such: broken hip, shattered leg, probably won’t walk ever again, even with surgery. The doctors and surgeons warn Matt that with his age, his pre-existing condition, and his drug history, surgery might kill him. But Matt refuses to be bedridden for the rest of his already miserable life. Dan knows that. She knows that he has to try. Knows that he might not pull through. She also knows that Matt wants to go, has wanted to for a while now. 

She calls Neil. She calls Allison. From there, all the Foxes are bound to get the news. Matt promises to wait until their arrival before going into surgery. In the meantime, the nurses start a morphine line, after warning the couple very strongly about the side effects and the risks. But Matt is in pain, terrible pain, and it’s a compromise to wait for his Foxes. It takes about a week for all of them to come to his bedside, with Nicky being last, coming all the way from Germany. Neil and Allison barely leave his room; Dan doesn’t at all. The others take turns, leaving as much space for Matt’s kids and grandkids as their hearts can allow.

The open spot for Matt’s surgery is on a Friday.

Matt Boyd does not make it to Friday. 

The morphine is too heavy on his heart. It was a possible outcome, not as alarming as the upcoming surgery, but... Matt had secretely wished to go ever since and- maybe, up there in Heaven, someone heard him... 

Dan and Matt had had a mutual understanding, that it was okay, but it doesn’t make it any more easy to let go. 

Two months into Matt’s departure, Allison moves in with Dan. She walks her through every stage of grief. She grieves all over again herself, too. But they make it.

Same goes for Andrew with Neil. Neil doesn’t know loss like this. Death like this.

And yet. And yet. Deep, deep down, Neil is scared. That after all his years of running, and fighting, and lying, he won’t get that peaceful ending Matt was granted.

But Neil lives.

And Nicky leaves.

A few months after Matt, he and Erik simply stay in the States. They say it’s because they want to be close, because they don’t want to miss anything, because they don’t want to risk a Fox leaving without a chance at saying goodbye. Because Nicky misses his Aaron and his Andrew.

Which are all valid and true motives. It’s just not the whole truth.

Nicky has dementia. Alzheimer’s, to be precise. Diagnosed about a year ago. It’s not bad yet, but- It’s the endless back-and-forth between the house and “der Supermarkt” because Nicky forgot what he drove there for in the first place. It’s forgetting words in all the languages Nicky speaks. It’s freaking out at all the Germans speaking German, because Nicky sometimes believe he is still living in America. It’s not finding the Columbia house and panicking when Nicky can’t get a hold of Andrew or Aaron.

It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, it’s terrifying, but it’s manageable.

Once Nicky and Erik settle back down in North Carolina, they both wonder how long it’ll take before the twins figure it out, because there is no way Nicky is telling them, but he also knows nothing can get past his twins.

And he’s right. Between Aaron’s acute knowledge of Medicine and Andrew’s reknown lie-detector skills, it takes about 14 days for them to take Nicky hostage and demand the truth. 

As the year comes to an end, Nicky’s dementia doesn’t seem to progress that much. He seems to escape the worst. He doesn’t forget anyone. He doesn’t become aggressive, doesn’t go missing, doesn’t lose any function of his body. Without looking too closely, Nicky is simply getting old. 

The twin girls he and Erik adopted get to move back in for a little while, having lived in the U.S. all their lives and seeing their parents fly to Germany after their retirement. They know, too, and try to make the most of it. They are lucky. They are so lucky. Nicky is a miracle patient.

In the end, though, it’s Nicky’s body rather than his mind that gives out. Once you reach a certain point in time living with the disease, but without the general complications of it, eventually the brain has trouble managing all the organs of the body. So instead of forgetting to eat, or forgetting names and faces, sometimes your brain doesn’t remember how to make your heart beat. Or how to make make your lungs breathe.

Nicky Hemmick stops breathing in the middle of the night, after having wished his twin daughters goodnight, texted his other set of twins goodnight, and kissed his husband goodnight. Nicky had thought, then, that it was indeed, a good night.

Just as he had remembered his Foxes until the end, he was remembered by them as the big-hearted lover that Heaven had just gained as its new angel.

Too soon after him, though, it’s Allison’s turn. 

It’s not that she’d simply been waiting around for the day she could be reunited with Renee. She just didn’t understand why her Foxes kept leaving, and why she was still stuck here without her other half. 

She didn’t just wait, though. She helps Dan out with the grandkids, and sometimes the grown-up kids too. She volunteers a lot. She gives back to the Columbia community, and all around the world. She travels to places she’s never been, places that remind her of Renee, but are void of painful memories. She empties their bucket list, and much more. The last thing Allison has yet to do, the only thing left to do, is mending her relationship with her parents. Or parent. Singular. In spite of everything, including the death of her husband, Francesca Reynolds was still standing strong at the head of the Reynolds empire. 100 years old was nothing when you lived in spite. 

In a twisted way, Allison believed that maybe her mother was the last piece she needed to mend before she was allowed to go. That despite being gone for years, Renee was still there somewhere, looking out for her and making sure she didn’t have any regrets. 

So Allison accomplished the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the impossible. For the first time in decades, she flew back to the Reynolds estate and spoke to her mother. In person. 

It was not the emotional reunion Renee might have hoped for, but it was a reunion still. That was more than enough for Allison. They didn’t talk about the big things. The important things. But they talked. They talked. And they scheduled another talk. 

Back home with Dan, Allison embraced her friend and let the tears fall. She was grateful for her friend, but both of them knew that these were not the arms Allison wished to be held in. She went to rest a bit before dinner, and she tried to imagine how it would feel like to have Renee hold her again.

For someone as loud, as present and as strong as she was, Allison Walker slipped quietly from time. 

When Dan found her, she could only smile tearfully. She played with her hair one last time as she called her Foxes.

Allison left Dan in charge of her finances, and so she took over her charity duties and went above and beyond to honor her friend’s memory. Her sister.

Dan thought she would be next. She wished, she hoped, she prayed to be next.

She wasn’t.

Kevin was.

He might have been the biggest and hardest loss to weather. It wasn’t a feeling that could be explained. As painful as it had been to lose Renee, and Matt, and Nicky, and Allison, losing Kevin was... the great and terrible 10, as they’d say.

Kevin should have died way sooner. His liver should have given out because of all the alcohol it had endured in Kevin’s youth. His heart should have given out because of all the stress it had faced for most of Kevin’s life. All the bad things that could happen with old age should have happened to Kevin, but they didn’t. They didn’t. 

Death came knocking one day, and politely asked him if he would please follow them, and Kevin simply took it as a sign that his time was up.

That day, Kevin had felt a numbing pain in his chest all morning long. Used to little injuries here and there, he hadn’t thought anything of it. And he certainly wasn’t about to worry his doctor of a husband... 

However, as the sun reached it’s highest in the sky, Kevin couldn’t really hide his pain any longer. He had lain down on their couch for a bit, but he couldn’t seem to get back up. It was too exhausting. So he called for Aaron, as loud as he could in the state he was. 

As Aaron stumbled into the living room, Kevin tried to use his softest voice to inform his husband of the situation. Aaron immediately called an ambulance, and when the vehicle took them both away, he reached for his phone again to make, once again, a terrible call to their Foxes. But through his oxygen mask, Kevin reached out to grap his wrist and whispered, with difficulty, just Neil... just Andrew...

Because here’s the thing: Kevin loved his Foxes, and his Foxes loved him back. Immensely. 

He loved them so much he had married one, with another one of them as best man (Neil), another as his husband’s (Andrew), and yet another one as their celebrant (Renee). 

They loved him so much that it was only short of worship by a hair or two. And Kevin knew that. He loved Dan like a sister. And by extension, he loved Erik like a brother, too. And he loved all the Foxes’ children and grandchildren like his own, despite never being a parent himself. 

But Neil and Andrew... There were no words for what they were to him. He knew that he wouldn’t have to talk them through it. He knew they would be the only ones strong enough and close enough to hold Aaron up in case it all turned to shit the moment he passed the hospital doors. 

And being the History nerd he had always been, Kevin had written letters, a long time ago. To his Foxes. Most of them had left before him, and so he could never give them their letters, but Dan, and Erik for Nicky, could still have those letters. Kevin poured everything into these letters. It had taken him years, ever since Renee’s departure. He wrote, and threw away, and started again, until he got it right. Nine letters, for his nine Foxes. Andrew knew about it. He’d give Nicky’s and the upperclassmen’s to Dan and Erik, and they’d understand. Kevin didn’t want them to be there, at the very end of it all. He just wanted Aaron. And Neil. And Andrew.

Those three had letters waiting for them, too. Andrew would hand them over a month later. But he would never open his.

Andrew and Neil arrived just before 1 PM. Kevin was hooked on all sorts of IVs and still had the oxygen mask on. His heart monitor was beeping very, very slowly, erratically. He was still Kevin Day in all his gloriousness, but he was much more Kevin, their beloved Kevin.

On one side of the hospital bed, Aaron never let go of Kevin’s hand. On the other side, Kevin removed the mask and weakly motioned for Neil to take the other hand. But Neil was stunned. Frozen. So Andrew came up behind him, and held Kevin’s hand. 

It would be the first, and the last time.

Just as Neil finally sprung into action and went to put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, feeling his wiry muscles and his fragile bones underneath the hospital gown, Kevin closed his eyes. 

The heart monitor began flatlining.

Neil looked at the monitor, then to Kevin. He looked at Andrew, then back at Kevin, and then at Aaron. His eyes couldn’t stay focused on one thing. He was still hoping. He was still refusing.

Aaron lowered his head. Kissed Kevin’s hand.

Andrew held on tighter to Kevin’s other hand. Gripped the back of Neil’s neck.

Kevin took Death’s hand, which felt a lot like Aaron’s, and Andrew’s, and Renee’s, and walked away.

Aaron unplugged the monitor. And called it.

Time of death: 13:01.

It took exaclty one month, day for day, for Aaron to leave as well. They called it the Broken Heart Syndrome. On the surface, Aaron had held it together. But Andrew knew. He saw. That he was losing him as well. 

Some could say that, by handing over Kevin’s letter, Andrew killed his brother. But those who would say that didn’t even begin to understand the complexity of the bond between twin brothers. Especially not the Minyards. 

Because what Andrew really did, with that letter, was gifting Aaron with relief.

Peace. Quiet. 

Love. 

Aaron could exhale, now. He would see Kevin soon, now.

And so in the same room, in the same bed as his husband’s, Aaron Minyard forced Death’s hand and demanded to see Kevin again.

And then there were three.

Dan lived for so long that she started to fear outliving her children. She felt old, so old. In her head and in her heart. She did not believe in a God, but she often found herself praying to someone, anyone. She did not believe in angels and demons, but she often wondered how long they would keep her from Death.

So she waited. For the days to go and the nights to pass. She barely ate anymore. She barely moved. She was only feeling okay when she slept outside, in her chair in the backyard, the sun shinning on her beautiful face. She could sleep for hours there, surrounded by her lively garden. The wind swayed her skirts, the trees whispered in her ears. It was okay.

And at the same time, it wasn’t. 

She was tired. She was lonely. Even Erik, a couple of years ago, had gone to rejoin his husband. Neil visited her at least once a week, but he still had Andrew. He couldn’t understand, nor could he stay away from him for too long. He would miss him too much.

Every year she celebrated another birthday, and every year she blew her candles wishing they were her last.

And at last, her wish came true.

Dan was expecting one of her kids to come by in the afternoon. The Carolina sun was shinning quite hard on her, so she had placed her chair in way that let the sunlight hit the back of her head, turned away completely from her house. Her daughter knew exactly where to find her when she arrived, and so she didn’t wait for a response to her presence before making her way down into the garden. She had called her mother multiple times, and had assumed she was sleeping when she hadn’t answered.

Dan was not sleeping.

Dan Wilds had left this world, the sunlight pouring down on her like the radiant goddess that she was.

Being one of the last Foxes, it took a day before Neil and Andrew got the news of her death. They don’t get involved in the funeral preparations, but they show up. And that’s enough. 

People don’t really bother them anymore, so they can bid farewell to their Captain in relative peace. They come by Dan’s house aftwerwards, too, and help her kids out with everything. Yes, even Andrew. 

Dan’s death makes them reflect the most.

About the Foxes. About each of their departures. How they all lived a good and long life. How they all died a good and quiet death. 

They think about how they were always the ones nearing death, always fighting to stay alive. About how they died a million deaths before the age of 18.

They think about how they are the last ones standing, even after everything. 

They survived. They lived. 

(They loved)

Neil and Andrew should not have gotten this far. They should not have lived this long. They shouldn’t have. But somehow, somewhere above, someone has watched over them and made sure that they didn’t get the ending they should’ve had, but the ending they deserved.

Neil and Andrew don’t really want to die. They don’t really want to live on either. But they take every day that they are given, to be with each other, to mend their hearts still, to breathe. 

They take every breath they can.

They wonder who will leave first. Who will have to say goodbye and stay behind, who will have to wait. 

It’s a fear neither of them had ever thought they’d have. Not like that.

And it’s only a matter of time before they get their answer. They are, after all, getting very old. It is both a blessing and a curse.

After decades of partnership, Neil and Andrew still go to bed the same way they did when they were eighteen. Both facing each other, their hands joined in the middle, their nose a breath apart.

After decades of peace, Neil and Andrew still wake from sleep at the slightest abnormality.

Which is why the minute Neil Josten gives out his last breath, Andrew awakes.

Neil’s hand in his is still warm and his skin is still soft. His hair, although completely white for quite some years now, still have that bronze glow to them. They’re still curly, and soft to the touch. Andrew passes a hand through them before resting it on the back of Neil’s neck. 

He looks at Neil like it’s the first time, tries to memorize every detail of his beautiful face. He rubs circle in his skin, and takes in everything that was, that is Neil. His husband. His junkie. His rabbit. His pipedream. His lover. His love.

Andrew doesn’t move from their bed. 

When he has finally spoken everything that he feels to Neil, from the safety of his mind, Andrew moves closer to him so their foreheads touch and noses align. He takes Neil’s lifeless hand again, and kisses it. He sets their hands back down, between the two of them, and looks at Neil one last time.

And slowly, Andrew Minyard closes his eyes, forever.

#all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten #aaron minyard #kevin day #renee walker #allison reynolds #dan wilds #matt boyd #nicky hemmick #erik klose #aftg #aftg fic #tfc #trk #tkm #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king's men #andreil #kevaaron #renison #danmatt #dan x matt #nicky x erik #death of heroes #major character death #david wymack #betsy dobson #abby winfield

[fruitcoops]

Ok so what sbout remus/sirius being too sick to go to an away game so the other one has to go alone, and then tons of facetime conversations and "get well soon" videos from the team?

This is related to this fic about Remus and Finn bonding over terrible reporters--hope you enjoy! SW credit goes to @lumosinlove, and the Loops/ Talker bonding is for @lee-1012!

TW for illness

“You don’t look so good.” Remus frowned as he held the inside of his wrist against Sirius’ forehead. “And you definitely have a fever.”

“Non.” Sirius sat up on his elbows with a groan, then almost immediately flopped back down.

“Yes.” He leaned back on his heels and checked the clock—they had two hours before they had to be at the airport. “Baby, I don’t think you should—”

“ ‘m going.”

“It’s not a good—”

“Gotta go. Games.” Sirius cracked one glassy eye open. “Two weeks away. I’ll take the first couple days off.”

Remus sighed through his nose and brushed his sweaty hair out of his eyes. “You shouldn’t go on the plane if you’re sick. Not just for your sake, but for the rest of us. We don’t need everyone to come down with this.”

He received a halfhearted glare in response, but Sirius finally huffed and curled on his side to nuzzle against his thigh. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too, baby,” Remus said quietly, bending to kiss his temple. They hadn’t been apart for that long since before he was a player, nearly a year prior. Hell, he had never played a game without Sirius, let alone two weeks’ worth. “Lily will check on you, okay?”

Sirius mumbled an incoherent response and cuddled closer when he began combing his fingers through his hair. The second alarm beeped, loud against the quiet of their bedroom; time to go, he thought ruefully. Sirius touched his knee as he started to stand. “Love you. Be safe.”

“Love you more.”

“Love you most.”

“Go back to sleep,” Remus said as his heart clenched. “I’ll let Coach know what happened, but you’ve got to rest and take care of yourself. Hydrate or die-drate, yeah?”

“Yeah. Love you.”

“Sleep,” he repeated, kissing his forehead once more before hauling himself out of bed and tucking the covers around Sirius’ shoulders. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

------------------------

The clouds were a soft, pastel pink around them as the sun rose—Sirius’ favorite. If his phone was correct, Lily would be there soon to let Hattie out and make sure Sirius wasn’t pushing himself too hard. The thought brought Remus a bit of relief, but not enough to quell his concern.

Talker poked his forearm, snapping him from his reverie. “What’s going on?”

“Just worrying.”

“About Cap?”

Remus waved a hand vaguely. “And Hattie, and Lily, and whether he’s got a cold or something worse. Feels weird being here without him.”

Talker hummed his agreement and offered one of his earbuds. “Want to listen to half of Bohemian Rhapsody with me? It’ll give you five minutes and 55 seconds of relative peace.”

“It’s too quiet,” James groaned just before he pressed ‘play’.

Across the aisle, Remus saw Kasey roll his eyes. “Your husband is sick, dude, not dead. He doesn’t talk to you on planes anyway.”

“It’s the principle of the thing, Bliz.”

“Oh my god,” Kasey muttered under his breath, securing his headphones tightly over his ears.

James let his head flop to the side with a baleful look. “Loops, you’re on my side, right?”

“I’ve got you, buddy,” he assured him. Talker stifled a laugh, and the opening chords began as more clouds rolled past. Remus let himself drift with them, taking deep breaths to soothe his worries; Sirius would be fine. He had the sniffles, or at worst the flu, and he would be join them for the second week in top form. There was nothing to worry about.

---------------------------------

“He’s got pneumonia,” Lily sighed.

“He what?”

“A mild case, but the doctor said it would take a week of antibiotics and rest before he’s close to a hundred percent. No hockey for about a month, too.”

Remus stared at the wall of his empty hotel room, lost for words. “Well, fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck.”

“Pretty m—absolutely not, go lay down.” There was a rustling noise and two grumbling voices. “Sorry about that.”

“Will you put me on speaker real quick?” Remus asked, pinching the bridge of his nose until he heard a faint click. “Sirius? You there?”

“Yes! I miss you, and I was just going to tell you that it’s really not that—”

“Please sit your ass down. Lily, if he tries to fuck around and find out exactly how nasty pneumonia is, you have full permission to sit on him. I miss you too, love,” he added after a short pause.

“He’s blowing you a kiss,” Lily informed him. “Oh, and he’s giving me the puppy eyes.”

“Resist if you can. Love you both. Give Hattie lots of cuddles from me.”

“We will,” she promised.

The second the call ended, Remus groaned aloud and thumped his head against the wall before padding down the hall. Just my fucking luck. The door swung open after the second knock; Arthur’s face fell. “How bad is it?”

“Mild pneumonia.”

“Fuck.”

“Yep. Doctor said he’d be out for a month.”

Arthur rubbed his eyes and nodded, motioning Remus back towards his own room. “Get some rest, then. I’ll let everyone know in the morning. Any idea how he got it?”

“Not a clue.”

“Thanks for the update, Loops. Sleep tight.”

“I will,” Remus lied as he headed back for a sleepless night between cold sheets.

----------------------------

Lily sent updates every few hours; most reported that Sirius was sleeping well and looking better with each passing day, but Remus couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly guilty. If something happened while he was hundreds of miles away, he would never forgive himself. He had sworn in front of their closest friends and family to be there in sickness and in health—what kind of husband ditches their partner for one of a million roadies?

This one. He stabbed a piece of broccoli and shoved it in his mouth. And then he goes and makes an idiot of himself for the world to see.

The interview was supposed to be easy, but he couldn’t let it roll off anymore. Not when he couldn’t answer their questions even when he wanted to, not when he was states away from the love of his life while he was sick, not when he felt helpless and shoved aside in every current aspect of his life.

“So.” The chair next to him creaked as Talker planted his full weight in it and set his plate decisively on the table.

“What.”

“Oh, pissy Loops. Haven’t seen you in a while. Talked to Cap yet?”

“Yeah.” Another piece of broccoli fell victim to his frustration.

“How’s he sound?”

“Better.”

“Sweet.” Talker continued to munch away on his dinner. “Anyone ever told you that you have the general disposition of a wet cat when you’re upset?”

Remus tried and failed to keep down a smile. “I seem to recall you bringing it up on occasion, yes.”

His dark eyes softened and he bumped their elbows together. “He’ll be okay.”

“I know.”

“Really, Loops. Cap’s going to be just fine. Lily doesn’t sugar-coat this kind of stuff, and he’s a tough guy. Mild pneumonia doesn’t stand a chance. Besides, we’ve only got four days left and we need you to kick some ass out there.”

If Remus was a little more emotionally vulnerable, he would’ve burst into tears. Instead, he settled for leaning his temple against Talker’s with a quiet ‘thanks’ and allowed himself to be pulled into a side hug. Across the dining hall, Finn shot him a thumbs-up and a wink. “Love you, man.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Talker teased. “The internet is already coming to your aid, you know.”

“About…?”

“Not only have those asshole reporters become a new meme, you’ve also got a shit ton of people bringing up past mistreatment of athletes in the press room. You’re the face of a revolution, Loops.”

“I’ve been the face of too many revolutions for one person,” he groused, not even bothering to duck out of the way when Talker ruffled his hair.

“Well, one more won’t kill you.”

---------------------------------------

Remus’ heart raced as he stepped off the plane. The logical part of him knew that Sirius would be waiting outside the security gate, but everything else screamed to see him now, now, right now so he could be sure he was alright. At least he had sounded healthier on the phone the night before—Remus wasn’t sure what he would do otherwise.

“Deep breaths,” James reminded him as they walked toward the baggage claim. “I’m sure he’s—”

An excited shout broke through the thick crowds. Remus’ heart skipped a beat, and then he was running, racing through the people that parted for him as his vision tunneled. His carry-on hit the ground with a low thud that he hardly heard as Sirius lifted him straight off the ground and held him tight.

“I love you,” Remus said immediately, locking his ankles around Sirius’ lower back and squeezing his eyes shut. “Are you okay?”

In lieu of a response, Sirius pulled back and kissed him, cradling one side of his face in his warm, warm hand. Two weeks may as well have been an eternity. He broke away after a moment, searching his face for any signs of illness or pain. “I’m fine,” Sirius said softly, as if he could read his mind. “I promise. A little tired and sore, but there’s no lasting damage.”

“Don’t do that again,” Remus said into the side of his neck as he hugged him close. He smelled like home. “Not when I have to leave.”

Sirius’ arms were steady around his back. “I won’t.”

“I’m going to grill you on everything as soon as we get home.”

“I know.”

“But right now, I’m just going to hug you because I missed you and I worried myself into a hole, like, every night.”

He could feel Sirius’ smile against his shoulder. “I know.”

#remus lupin #sirius black #coops #thomas walker #talker #james potter #lily potter #sweater weather #lumosinlove #my fic #fanfic #sick fic

[solliewriter]

Archery for Writers

In this post, I'll basically tell you the small stuff: e.g., what your archer will complain about to other archers, how different bows sound, what it's like shooting in the rain or snow, finding the goddamn arrows, etc. I’m also going into technical details and will discuss the legendary Robin Hood shot.

If you want a good basic primer, T.S. Strange on Instagram did a pretty good job https://www.instagram.com/p/COat-W1rQ7o/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

But, if you're ready for beyond the basics, I've got you covered.

To be clear, my knowledge of archery is primarily Western traditional archery. PLEASE research the history of the type of bow you choose as they’re all unique. There’s a reason why Mongolian bows are so different than English longbows.

I have primarily shot in thick, brushy forest (not parks, actual wilderness), so when you read, that I'm talking about that setting unless specified. My favored bow is a reflex/deflex, which is basically a recurve/longbow hybrid. I have also been doing archery for as long as I can remember, so yes I know how to shoot.

SOUNDS

Different bows make different sounds. Recurve bows are loud. They make this twangy sound when you use them, unless you put a silencer on the string. This silencer is usually a fluff-type thing that is woven around and through the string. The silencer doesn't make them perfectly silent. It's more of a muffler than a silencer.

Longbows are quieter, but they still make noise. It's short, grunt-like hum that usually only the archer and their immediate compatriots can hear.

For Your Character (FYC): a recurve archer and a longbow archer will very likely pester each other about noise.

SIGHT, pt1

You can shoot blind. Sorta. No, you can't put on a blindfold and still hit your target, but you can and will extrapolate what you see. As mentioned, I've done almost all of my shooting in the forest, in the mountains. Visibility is  less than perfect. You have to aim through hundreds of branches, and the likelihood of hitting a branch and sending your arrow flying into No Man's Land is very likely as a beginner and amateur. Shooting through the forest isn't like in Lord of the Rings or Hunger Games, unless that forest is a well maintained park with marked trails made by things other than deer and bear. (FYI, bear trails are perfect for humans.) Half the time, if you move an inch the wrong way, your arrow will be way off target. Missing by an inch means missing by several feet, which is really far in archery.

More than once, you see your target at one angle, but can't shoot it at another. I've experienced this frequently because my Viking sized dad will pick targets that I, his 5'2" daughter, am too short to see. I have to stand on tip toes to see his target, then lower myself into almost a crouch to shoot. I still hit the target.

FYC: Besides the obvious banter that comes from discussing height differences, there are a few other things to note. In the forest, it can be hard to find two good angles to shoot something. This can lead to frustration, complaining, attempts to get the other archer out of the way, and etc.

SIGHT, pt 2

I’m talking about recurve/longbows, so there are no actual sights to look through. 

This is where things are controversial. There’s a gap shooting and an instinctive shooting. Gap shooters guess the distance, then aim. Instinctive shooters just sorta ... wing it.

I’m not going to throw shade at either method. But here’s a key reason why one would use one style or another: gap shooting is largely ineffective in mountainous, forested terrain when you can’t really see much. So, if you have an archer from a prairie and an archer from the mountains, it’s likely they use different aiming styles.

Side note: Flu-flu shots are unique and fun shots that use big feathery arrows. You shoot nearly straight up in hopes of getting your arrow on top of the target rather than straight toward it. When doing this, you can either look at the target or look at your arrow angle, but you can't do both at the same time. You have to shoot blind. Flu-flu shots aren't good for killing creatures, but they are pure fun. This is a good example of using instinctive shooting rather than gap shooting. Also, flu-flu shots are prone to being highly effective by the wind, and it’s very easy to get them stuck in a tree for all eternity. There’s a shooting area my roving family calls “The Valley of Lost Flu-Flu’s.” It’s called this for very good reason.

SMELLS

Bows don't smell, unless you've just added beeswax to the string (strings fray, wax stops that). Arrows smell for about a day after you paint them and glue them.

Leather, however, smells and remains smelly forever. I personally like the smell (though I suppose I'm actually smelling the oil, not the leather). It's very hard to describe, partially because I have so many memories involved. Unfortunately, I have to leave this to you. Just note, leather from armguards, quivers, and pouches don't smell the same as couches and your typical urbanite materials. Find your hippie friend and ask them to make you a leather bracelet or something. That'll teach you the smell.

FYC: Your archer will have very strong memories associated with the smell of leather and beeswax. They will be warm fuzzy memories.

TOUCH, aka shooting in the cold weather

All right, it's cold, and your character is wearing a big coat. Big, puffy sleeves to fit all those layers beneath. No biggie, just nock the arrow, draw, and shoot ...

FWAP!

The string hits the character's coat sleeve. The arrow goes about ten feet before falling limp to the ground like a sad puppy.

To fix this, you need to tie a thick band around your character's sleeve. Easy peasy.

Now, your OC tries shooting again. Unfortunately, it’s been raining, so to their dismay, they've noticed that their turkey fletchings (standard in the western US states) have flattened and shrunk. It looks like there is barely any fletching at all. Fear not, the arrow will still fly. It'll just make aiming a bit harder, but not terribly worse. Those fletchings are just stabilizers.

Your OC goes home. When they take off their shooting glove/tab, they notice their fingers are yellow. Oh no! Don't worry, your OC is not sick, the dye has just come off the leather in the rain. It'll wash off, but it'll probably happen every time the leather gets wet for the next few months unless your OC makes a new glove/tab that isn't dyed.

LEFTIE VS RIGHTIE

It is extremely uncommon to find a left-handed archer. This is because even if someone’s right-handed doing their day-to-day things, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be right-handed for archery.

In archery, whether you shoot left or right handed is determined by your eye dominance. Most people are right-eyed dominant, so much so it’s very hard for a left-eye dominant archer (such as myself) to find new bows. And I mean really hard. Go anywhere and there’s a severe shortage of left-dominant archery gear simply because it’s that rare (hah I’m special- jk).

BOWS

There are manufactured bows (lame), and there are good bows. Yes, there’s a huge difference.

I’m not sure of the technical terms, but here’s my experience.

Manufactured bows, i.e., the cheap bows you find at a renaissance fair, are typically made from a type of plastic. Good traditional bows, from almost any country, are custom-made from wood that the bowyer (bow-maker) has shaped, treated, and glued.

Bows are a lot like musical instruments. Essentially, manufactured bows (or guitars, violins, etc.) are poor quality because they’re made of cheap materials which make the shooting quality less than superb (more on that later), and because they aren’t given the attention they need, which makes them of lesser quality because they’re just ... eh. Special treatment makes for a better bow.

Like musical instruments, there are a lot of different types. Most websites say there are only four (recurve, longbow, compound, and crossbow), but that’s not quite true. These acknowledge the four general shapes of a bow, but not the subtypes. For example, Mongolian bows are recurves, but tend to be shorter than Western recurves because Mongolian recurves are meant to be shot on horseback.

SHOOTING QUALITY 

So, what is it like shooting a good bow?

Again, I’m speaking from experience with recurves, longbows, and reflexes.

A good bow has good speed. It moves the arrow faster than slower. This is a relative scale because recurves shoot arrows faster than longbows, and reflex/deflex tend to shoot faster than longbows but slower than recurves.

WEIGHT

Is it possible for people to have pulled 100 pounds of weight in a bow back in the olden days, or are people just confused?

Yes, it’s possible.

My dad, who used to do archery once or twice a week, had a 100 pound bow that he shot fairly regularly. That was before his shoulder injuries and, y’know, age. 

Also note that he’s practically a Viking.

I pulled 50 pounds at 28 inches when I was doing it regularly, although now I probably have to go back to 45 pounds.

BASIC SHOOTING FORM

This is going to be heavily effected by your character’s culture, bow, and upbringing.

There’s the English, upright stance for shooting a longbow. The archer stands very straight, and their pull hand goes to anywhere between the lip and the ear.

There’s the forest stance, which is my own, and that’s slightly bent over to avoid string-slaps, finger to cheekbone. Also, I made up the forest stance, so don’t Google it.

Then there’s Walt Wilhem, who, due to physical disability, had to shoot from the hip and was still one of the best archers in the world. Watch the video of him and his brother:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np8u69YfSA8

THE ROBIN HOOD SHOT

This is actually very attainable. I’ve done it six times. My dad has done it about 30 times. I have a friend who did it about 25 times.

In order for this situation to realistically happen (if you’re writing something unrealistic, you really shouldn’t bother reading all of this), the character needs to prep a few things.

1. Years of experience. At least six, and that’s assuming your archer shoots at least seven hours a week, without missing an hour.

 2. At six years the archer might get a few Robin Hood shots. Very likely, it’ll be at a shorter distance and the arrow they’re shooting will be cross-wise instead of straight down the shaft.

3. At ten years, it’s quite likely your Robin Hood has shot straight down the shaft a few times.

4. Your Robin Hood must seek to improve every week.

SOME QUICK TIPS

unless you’re Walt Wilhem, you always pull from your back, not your arm

you never fire an arrow

back quivers are quieter and more mobile than hip quivers (suck it hipsters)

it takes practice and long fingers, but it’s quite doable to hold both a bow and an arrow in one hand while shooting

there is a system for very fast nocking 

beginners have no clue what this system is and so take several minutes to nock their arrow.

contrast, it takes a second for an experienced archer.

someone who doesn’t take long to aim is often called a snap shooter, and this isn’t exactly complimentary.

This ought to take you far in your journey of writing an archer. I’ve been sitting on this post for about a year now, but still need to add to it. PLEASE google the following in case I don’t get to sharing the info.

arrow breakage

bow breaking

materials for arrows

types of wood for bows

types of wood for arrows

arrow spine weight

bow tuning

bow shelfs

different forms

holding a bow

stringing a bow

bow at rest

temperatures + bows

fletching types

aerodynamics 

quivers

moving around

how to find the goddamn arrows

#archery #writeblr #writing #archers #bow and arrow #wip #writing tip #writing advice #don't tell anyone it's been 2 years since I've shot my lovely bear bow #I need my bow again #I need to shoot

[reidyoulikeabook]

What Are the Chances?

Summary: You and Spencer discuss the events that pulled you together.

A/N: I was re-reading Invisible String (I have a terrible habit of going back to my fics and seeing how I could have done them better) when it hit me that like ... they did not have a conversation about the near misses? And it bothered me so much that I had to write this.

Also, I am terrible at maths, these statistics are probably way off, but hey, let’s pretend for the sake of plot that they aren’t?

March 7th, 2010

Sunday mornings were reserved for lazing in bed, and aimless chatter. You’d gotten into this kind of routine, already you were spending most nights together when you weren’t away on cases. Saturday’s were sometimes taken by girls nights, or making up for whichever social responsibilities your job had made you shirk.

Sundays, though? Always for Spencer.

You’re absent-mindedly fiddling with his hair, listening to him talk about a chemistry paper you’d read last week when it hits you.

“Spencer?”

“Yeah?”

“Didn’t you write a paper about this? But with a different chemical?”

He shifts then, leaning his weight on his elbow to look at you, “Why do you know that?”

“I studied it, in college. I took a science credit. You wrote a paper about something lattice, I didn’t remember until you said just now but I remember reading it. And hating it, actually.”

He lets out a little laugh at that, “Sorry to have subjected you to it.”

Leaning into him, you smile, “What’s the probability of me having read that and then meeting you?”

“There’s a lot more you have to take into consideration for that calculation.”

“Like?”

“Well, before we met I read your paper too. The one I spoke to you about when we met, and before that I saw you in the lecture we gave at your college back in 2008.”

Something plays on his lips as he says the last part, but you can’t quite place what.

“Yeah there’s that too. You know, did I ever tell you I wasn’t even supposed to be in that classroom? I got lost and went in there by accident, I was trying to find my forensic linguistics class.”

“You didn’t go in there on purpose?”

“Nope,” You say, popping the p, “I don’t even know if I’d be in the FBI if it wasn’t for that, let alone the BAU. I was thinking about doing something with local law enforcement, or teaching. It was probably going to be teaching really.”

“You really weren’t meant to be in there?”

“No,” You say, looking up at him more intently, “What’s got you so bugged out about that?”

“I wasn’t supposed to teach that lecture that day. It originally got scheduled for April 16th but my mom got sick. I had to fly out to see here so we rearranged the lecture.”

Sitting up, you stare at him wide-eyed, “You’re kidding me.”

“I’m not!”

A little incredulously, you say, “So neither of us should have been there?”

“No.”

“But we were?”

“Yeah, I mean I remember us being there. And I do have an eidetic memory.”

“You remember seeing me there?”

“At the lecture? Yeah. I thought you were waiting to come and speak to me but then you got whisked off.”

“I was going to come and speak to you, after Hotch. He said something about how we had similar research interests and I was going to wait. And then my boyfriend showed up.”

Spencer nods, “I didn’t know who that was at the time. But after you told me about him I figured it out.”

“It’s weird, right?” You ask, “Like, what are the chances of all of those things happening?”

Spencer’s eye’s meet yours, ascertaining that you’re genuinely asking. He falls silent for a moment. His lips part, tongue darting out. His eyes flit back and forth, doing sums with numbers you can’t see.

“The chances of any two people in the United States meeting each other at any given time is approximately 1 in 28,000. You were studying a subject I have a doctorate in so that’s not that uncommon. Honestly, I think there are too many variables to calculate an exact guess. You joining the team isn’t exact chance, you saw the lecture and decided to join. I read your paper and showed it to Hotch. You ended up with us. There’s a chain of events, but they’re not all entirely random. The only genuinely random ones are my mom getting sick and you being in the lecture hall that day.”

“You showed my paper to Hotch?”

He smiles, nervous, “Uhh. Yeah. I kinda took it to him and asked him if he’d seen it. He had already though.”

You smile, wide, “You were rooting for me before I even got there.“

“I guess I was.”

You kiss him, gentle and sweet, your hand cupping his face and brushing an errant curl out of his eyes.

"So what's the likelihood?"

"Well actually there's not a strong scientific consensus on how likely you are to get the stomach flu. According to a recent paper, there are some blood types that make you more resistant to the stomach flu, particularly type B. But my Mom is type AB which means she's more likely to get sick with it. There's around 685 million cases every year so that puts her chances at getting it at about 1.09%."

"And the lecture hall?"

He grins, his nose crinkling, "Just because my IQ is 187 doesn't mean I can calculate the probability of you managing to get yourself lost."

You swat at him, feigning offence, "Spencer Reid you did not just say that to me."

"I did, actually."

"Well I'd say you're very lucky I got myself lost come to mention it. A bit of respect for my lack of orienteering skills would be nice."

"I'll consider myself endebted to them forever."

The silence that follows is easy. It's clear that you're both thinking about the same thing: the path of coincidences that pulled you together. Neither of you are willing to call it fate, yet. But that's okay. With the way you wrap yourselves around each other, peacefully whiling the morning away, she doesn't need the credit.

---

Tagslist: @calm-and-doctor @sassiest-politician @takeyourleap-of-faith

(message or reply to be added/removed!)

#spencer reid #reid x reader #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #imagine spencer reid #imagine criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x you #spencer reid fluff

[imaginesmai]

Arvin Russell - Bad feeling

Requested by an anon, here it goes! I tried my best, hope you like ❤ Third time I post this, I swear I’m gonna burn Tumblr

Plot: Arvin is worried about Lenora, so he goes to you for advice. You don’t get too far before tragedy strikes the Russell house.

Warnings: SPOILERS OF TDATT, IF YOU DON’T THEM STOP READING THE WARNINGS AND THE FIC, that scene of Lenora’s death.

“So it’s just – throwing up? Nothing else?”

Arvin shook his head as he hid his hands in his denim jacket’s pockets. Looking around as if someone would suddenly pop out of the bushes, he confirmed that Lenora was just throwing up and complaining about feeling a bit bad at the stomach. You knew he hoped you could tell him the solution, even if you hadn’t seen the girl since she started feeling sick. No one had, because she had started feeling that way just before church, and Arvin had been the only one talking with her.

With the vague explanation he was giving you, you had a bunch of possibilities. Being the doctor’s daughter had its good things, like you could help as much as your father. You hadn’t gone to school, as your father had home-schooled you since you were four. So it was normal that Arvin had come to you about the problem with his step sister, who was his whole world and happiness.

“I don’t know, Arv. It could be a stomach bug, or maybe she’s coming down with the flu” you gave him a small smile, trying to cheer him up. “From what you’re saying it’s probably nothing, don’t worry”

“Nah, it’s somethin’. She’s been acting all strange lately, and she don’t wanna tell me bout it” Arvin scoffed.

“Maybe she found out what happened with those boys, and is processing it”

A laughing kid passed by running, followed by her older sister and his cousin. Arvin stood quiet until they were far away. He was trying to keep his voice down, because he didn’t want the whole town knowing about Lenora. The small graveyard before starting the Sunday’s mass wasn’t the best place to avoid it, but he couldn’t wait no longer.

“She already knows, it’s not that”

“Arvin” you placed a gentle hand on his chin, meeting his worried eyes. “I’m sure it’s just some teenage drama. Do you want me to visit her after the lecture?”

“Your daddy won’ mind?”

To erase his doubts, you briefly pressed your lips against his, and he finally relaxed. Everyone ran to the church a moment after, the preacher finally appearing. Grabbing his hand, you dragged him with you into the temple, choosing a bench in the end since the one his family had chosen was already full.

You didn’t have to look at him to know that he was over worrying things. Not only because he couldn’t stand the sight of the preacher because of what he did to his grandma, but because it didn’t matter how many times you assured him how Lenora was fine; he would still worry, that was who he was.

Arvin Russell and you met when you were just kids, kids who didn’t have many friends. You were well known for everyone, but couldn’t say a word without stuttering and only your father had enough patience to listen to what you had to say. Arvin was new to Knockemstiff, his parents dead. He was a shy boy too, who only talked with his step sister. After his grandma asked your father for help, he said the boy didn’t have anything wrong; just a huge trauma. So he gave you the task to talk to him and befriend the new boy, who turned out to be as patient as your father.

Since then, it was rare to see you without the other. You had started dating after he dropped out of highschool, and now you were saving for, when the right moment came, moving in together.

During the lecture, Arvin’s hand, trapped between yours, twitched uncomfortable. He shifted on his seat a few times, earning some glances from the surroundings. You tried to whisper him that he didn’t have to worry so much, but he didn’t listen to you; if anything, he seemed ready to run out of the church. He managed to wait until the preacher said you could leave in peace, and even let you say goodbye to your dad.

The good man just smiled at you and told you to be careful, asking if he was meeting you for lunch. Arvin, who was shaking on his feet, shook his head, so you told him you were grabbing something outside. Once in the car, Arvin drove past all the traffic signals in town.

“I hope they don’t have to scrape my body from the road” you chuckled nervously, and Arvin lowered the speed.

“Sorry darlin’. I’m just – ‘ave a bad feeling bout it”

“You know that she’ll grow up some day, right?” you moved from your seat, closer to him. “She’s gonna have kids, and a husband, and you’re gonna have to sit through family dinner without threats”

“Still a long way there”

“Oh, not so long” you tried to pry something from him that wasn’t worry. “Haven’t you seen the soft smile she has been carrying around? Bet she has someone in her head”

“She doesn’t – Lenora ain’t like that” he scoffed, finally driving in an acceptable speed. “She’s… uh, she’s Lenora. She doesn’t –“

“What? Get crushes and think about boys? You know that she’s turning fifteen in two months, right?”

“Not if I don’ think bout it”

The ghost of a smile appeared in Arvin’s face, and you high fived yourself. He always looked beautiful when he genuinely smiled, not in one of those usual frowns that he always carried around. To you, he looked younger and happier, and made a fuzzy feeling appear in the middle of your chest.

“You asked me out when I was fourteen, and one year later –“

“I’m fuckin’ throwin’ you out the road now” he cut you off, sneaking a glance at you. “Lenora is datin’ no boys”

“And does she know or are you planning on scare all of them away?”

“I work fine by scarin’ them ‘way from you”

“But I only have eyes for certain Russell boy. She’s going to be more difficult”

Arvin finally gave you a belly laugh, and the sun shined brighter. You still had a few minutes in the car, which you filled by useless talk. He was insistent in treating you lunch, since you never accepted money for taking care of him or his family. Lunch with Arvin meant he had to work extra harder the next week to recover from whatever it took, but saying no meant him carrying you like a sack of potatoes to the café. You wouldn’t mind not eating anything, just a stroll around the woods with him was enough payment.

The conversation ended when the Russell’s house came into view. You let loose your seatbelt to reach in the back seat for you bag. It had the basics; some aspirins, bandages, alcohol, meds for the headache and the stomach, syringes and a thermometer. Arvin parked while you searched into it for the last object, that seemed to be buried deep down.

“I think I forgot the thermometer. You still have the one from your grandma?”

“You can look for it, I haven’ seen it” Arvin told you as he moved the car around.

“Damn, I hope she isn’t too –“

You didn’t finish your sentence as suddenly the car came into a stop and you were pushed forwards, with the bad luck of having your seatbelt off and slamming your head against the front part of the car. It left a throbbing pain in the middle of your forehead, a nasty bruise and some swelling in a few hours. Because you were too busy with the bag, you didn’t notice what made Arvin stop the car so suddenly.

The barn had its door open, something unusual since there were a few bad people who didn’t have problem in stealing from the humble houses. It let Arvin see what was inside, that turned out to be a bucket upside down. For a moment, he was ready to tell you to stay in the car or run to call for someone, take the gun for his father and search for any intruders. Then, he saw a body hanging from the ceiling and recognized Lenora’s dress.

He ran out of the car before fully stopping it, leaving you cradling your head. Your eyes lost focus for a solid second, everything turning blurry around and a feeling as if you were underwater. It was Arvin’s desperate scream that had you blinking yourself into the present.

“Y/N!”

The pure anguish on his voice made you stumble out of the car, your knees scraping with the rough floor when you couldn’t hold your balance. You held onto the vehicle until you saw what Arvin was screaming about. He had tears running down his cheeks, horrible sobs racking his body, that was shaking under Lenora’s weight.

You managed to get to him without falling again, messing with the end of the rope until it came loose. Lenora came crashing down on Arvin, who fell to the ground as his knees gave out. His whole body was shaking as he tried to sit right, cradling her head.

“Please, please” he cried out. “Lenora, wake up! Lenora!”

Prying the rope from her neck, you already knew the answer. There was a sickening blue bruise around her neck, with hints or purple. She didn’t move when you shifted her head and checked for a pulse.

Your fingers fell on flat skin.

-

There weren’t a lot of people in the backyard, not even the preacher, who had left shortly after the ceremony. The Russell expected him to stay for a bit longer, seeing the relationship between the young girl and him. He had been the only person who she talked out of her family, and they had been sure he was fond of her too. That came down quickly when he threw into the lecture that suicide was a coward way to go. Uncle Earskell had held Arvin the whole time, preventing him from throwing fists with the preacher; even if the man himself looked close to doing so.

Everyone left eventually, even your father, who had a business to attend. You hadn’t talked with Arvin since his grandma found you with Lenora’s body in the barn, but once your father left and said goodbye to the boy, you were forced to do so. You were dying to go home and lay in bed, sleeping off the throbbing feeling of the gash of your head. But Arvin had giving you a side glance, shy and pleading, and you told your father you would be meeting him later.

While they lowered the coffin, you stayed by Arvin’s side, eventually working your arm through his elbow in an attempt to comfort him. His grandma broke down and his uncle was quick to gather her into his arms, walking away so she could cry in peace. It was then just Arvin and you.

“I’m sorry, Arv” you whispered, rubbing his upper arm.

When your father, who had ran to the barn after being notified by a neighbour, confirmed what you already knew, you felt a crushing guilt it you. Maybe, if you hadn’t been so insistent in comforting Arvin you could have prevented it. Arvin always had a sixth sense to know when something was wrong before it actually happened. And you had ignored it.

“How’s your head?” he asked. You had never heard him sound so small unsure.

“Just a nasty bump and a small concussion. It’ll be healed in a few days”

“I didn’ meant for you to hit your head” Arvin confessed. “I’m so –“

“Hey, I don’t blame you” you turned around and looked up to his eyes. “No one does. What happened wasn’t your fault”

When tears rushed to his eyes you knew he had understood what you meant by it. He trapped you in a bear hug the next second, his whole body hiding between your arms. You shushed him when the first sob appeared, and then they appeared one by another.

Since you had found her in the barn, Arvin hadn’t cried. He had carried his body to the funeral’s parlour, had chosen the coffin when his grandma couldn’t even sit straight, and had put on a stone face through the ceremony. It was hard always being the strong one, to be so weary about everyone and never breaking down. He was glad he had you, so glad it only made him cry harder.

Grandma and his uncle went back to their house just before the sun came down, but you didn’t release Arvin. It was hard to explain how much he loved his sister, because everything he did or thought about was for her security.  

“Don’t leave me” Arvin suddenly said, making you go rigid with the express confession. “Please. Don’t – You’re the only thin’ I have left, and I can’t – I… I love you so much, that – “

“I love you too” you finished for him, the last sob breaking through. “And I’m not going anywhere. Not now or ever”

Arvin nodded against your shoulder a few times, interiorizing the words. The rational part of his brain that always worked before things happen, that was mildly drowned by the sorrow, was starting to understand that there was more about Lenora’s death to know that just a suicide. And he promised to himself, right there and then, that no one would ever take away another important person from him, not if he was around.

He wasn’t going to leave you either for as long as you had him.

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[feeling-uncomfy]

I have one too many Shouji headcannons that I wanna talk about, but here's a few!

One thing is that he has some serious nerve damage in his back, like- it's not funny

He didn't even realise it was going to be such a problem until he tried exercising when they came back from Nabu

He could normally lift etra heavy weights and all that, he was able to hold out for a lot longer, and he thanked whatever god was out there that he was alone when it happened

He lifted up the weight, heard a loud crack, and was sent to the floor in pain. He couldn't move, and when he tried it felt like he was being stabbed with a bunch of needles in his back

It took him a half hour to force himself off the floor, and almost another hour to get back to the dorms. The pain from it never went away, and he didn't think much of it

He didn't even tell anyone until around a month later when he was forced to. It was a training exercise and his lower back felt like it was on fire the whole time. He and his team (Tokoyami and Midoryia) were able to make it through just fine, and Shouji thought it would be fine, they were going back to the dorms anyway

Dark Shadow was out, and was saying something about how great Shouji did, and clapped him on the back, not thinking much of it.

Shouji's whole world went white the second Dark Shadow put pressure on his back

When he came to, he was face down on a stretcher, not able to move or hear things properly. When the static cleared up, he could hear Midoryia's panicked muttering and he felt something on his head, a hand.

Tokoyami was saying something, then voices from up ahead started getting louder and Shouji felt the pace pick up, he couldn't move to speak, he just had to sit there until he felt something stick in him and the world went dark

When he woke up the next morning, he was forced to tell Aziawa, Recovery Girl and All Might about what happened and why his back was in constant pain. After Recovery Girl gave out about "self sacrificing idiots" while hitting All Might in the shin, Shouji was told he was stuck on bedrest, again.

Shouji agreed, reluctantly, and after a few days was allowed back in class.

That- was not supposed to turn into that, but moving on- to some more "can be extended on-" headcannons

He brushes his teeth at four am in the morning, no I don't have an explanation

The first day of UA he was mistaken as a second year student and got so nervous he agreed and had to have another student tell the teacher they got it wrong

He has so many extra pens and pencils because Denki shoots them across the room and loses them so Shouji has learnt to keep extra on him

If Bakugo and Kirishima were to ever get together to "study" Shouji would have to open a window because of the smell of burning rubber and caramel. He still to this day doesn't know what they do in there, he doesn't know what rubber has to do with their maths test.

The only extra thing he has in his room is a plush that was given to him when he was a kid. He's never let it go and it helps calm him down when he's panicking or stressing, he keeps it hidden in a drawer he can lock

This headcannon I read somewhere, can't remember where, but Shouji is a minimalist because he was bounced around a lot as a kid so he never got to keep anything or make a lot of friends, and to add to that his parents didn't actually give him the plush, it was given to him by another relative

Speaking of, if he were ever to be hit with a deaging quirk he'd be be the smallest kid you've ever seen, he was tiny when he was a kid, and he didn't have a growth spurt until middle school

Also as a kid he was super shy but really quick to settle into unknown environments once given a reason to trust the people around him. If say he was with the hero's they only need to say they're hero's and Shouji is happy to stay.

But he has the tendency to wander, even as a teenager sometimes he'll forget where he is and go wandering around alone, and ends up getting lost easily.

He also gets sensory overloads. It's very common for him and when he does he tends to just leave, he'll just walk away no matter where he is, if he's in class he'll ask to go to the bathroom and disappear for a while

It's more dangerous in public though, because he doesn't need to ask, and it takes forever for people to notice he's gone because he's so quiet. So when they do realise, whoever's with him is freaking out thinking he got snatched by a villain.

He also stims. I love this idea.

When he does it's really subtle and very few notice but those who do are like :0

Tokoyami notices easily, being observant like that, and whatever it is that made Shouji stim is either coming back with them or Tokoyami is taking it away.

Tokoyami keeps whatever he bought in his room so it doesn't clutter Shouji's room and lets him come and take it when he's around

Shouji and Tokoyami hang out a lot, and they're normally studying, but Dark Shadow tends to distract Shouji so it's just Tokoyami studying until he's yelling at Dark Shadow to stop trying to bench press Shouji

Kaminari, Mina and Sero are the worst influences on Shouji Aziawa has met. They lived together a week and Kaminari has not only 1. Stolen a shopping cart. 2. Snuck it into the dorms, but they used Shouji as a seat, and his arms as seatbelts, and went down the stairs in the shopping cart.

Aziawa has to drag Sero, Mina and Kaminari to Recovery Girl while Shouji limped behind them.

Aziawa has also walked in on Bakugo trying to teach Shouji to curse, and almost laughed when Shouji sat there, face blank, and said everything BUT fuck

Aziawa didn't think much of it until during training Shouji fell down two stories saving Iida the trouble, sat up, and mumbled "awe fuck" before standing up and continuing the exercise.

Aziawa forgave himself for wheezing when Bakugo cheered loudly before getting smacked over the head by Kirishima for "ruining Shouji's innocence"

Speaking of, M//eta has called Shouji "sexy octopus" so many times and Shouji's normally let it slide but one time Asui was listening in, heard it, and smacked the trash so far he ended up on the other side of the gym.

People call Shouji baby. Even people outside of 1A. Monoma has fucked up and called Shouji a baby once, and it was a "total accident"

((Kendou asked why Monoma hadn't ever said anything to Shouji and Monoma went "I can't make fun of the 1A baby, I'm not ready to die"))

Shouji is touch starved, and once the girls were cuddling, and Mina forced Shouji to join, he was in tears when they hugged him and ended up falling asleep ten minutes into the movie, he woke up in blankets and surrounded by friends

Shouji is a little spoon. I don't care if he's 6"2. He's a little spoon and I will die on this hill.

He has on multiple occasions forgotten which hand he left his phone in, and dropped it looking for it

Shouji and Ojiro watch Star Wars together, and of all people they roped Momo into watching with them and now she's hooked

Dark Shadow once threw someone down the stairs because they called Shouji a freak

Before Bakugo's character development, he called Shouji freaky, and once they moved into the dorms Bakugo became the first person to jump the gun on anyone who said shit about Shouji's appearance

Shouji. Sucks. At. Maths. I don't have a reason for this, he's really good at History and Science though.

Maths is really hard for some people(me) and Shouji and Denki do their maths homework with Momo. Kaminari once cried over it because he just didn't get it. Shouji almost followed when Momo moved on to Geography

Shouji is willing to let anyone talk to him about their problems, he's very willing to listen, but no one has ever heard him talk about his problems. When people try to let him know it's okay for him to talk, Shouji distracts them with the nearest thing, and he's even tried it with Aziawa

Back to being bounced around as a kid, Shouji still gets bounced around as a teen, just not as often. One couple that took Shouji ended up being... not the greatest people he's ever met.

Aziawa noticed immediately that there was something wrong when Shouji came in late, Recovery Girl at his side. His hands were wrapped in bandages and he sat down without looking up.

Recovery Girl said there was glass in his hands, but Shouji wouldn't tell her how it happened. His exact words were "it was an accident, he- I didn't mean to drop it" and Aziawa's dad instincts were going "N O"

This went on for several weeks, and with every day the injuries got worse and worse until one day Recovery Girl came in and asked if Shouji had shown up, only for Aziawa to say no, normally Shouji goes to Recovery Girl first, then class.

This was concerning, and what was worse is that the new address hadn't been registered, so they couldn't even look for Shouji

Shouji came in three days later, almost two hours earlier than he should've. He ran around looking for Aziawa, or All Might, or anyone who could help him.

Aziawa found him knocking on the staff room door, and Shouji told him what had happened (I'll leave that to you) and Aziawa stood up, left Shouji in Present Mic and All Might's semi capable hands, and went to beat some ass.

No one talks about Aziawa walking into class with bloody fists, talking to Shouji about moving into school funded apartments until the dorms are built.

I should've kept this one and the first one together but oh well-

During flu season no matter how much Shouji avoids it he gets sick and gets knocked down for at least a solid week before he even starts to get better at all

One time Denki caught some random bug, no one knew from where, but it spread fast and hit hard. Shouji stayed as far away from everyone as he could but ended up getting it and was stuck in the hospital overnight because of it, though Shouji doesn't remember this part

It was so bad that even Aziawa got it

All Might is the only one who can carry Shouji, aside from Uraraka but she doesn't count because she makes him float.

I have more but I think I've gone too far for today lmao

Feel free to add to these :D

#boku no hero academia #bnha shouji #this is a really long post wow #oops