#I lost a lot of weight.....like 10 lbs in a WEEK literally I was weighing myself around the time

[suicidalneighborhood]

doing a few of these until i feel sleepy

1. 5'9 and 130-132 lbs / 174cm 60kg (haven't weighed myself in a few days, shld be lower, mayb 59)

2. i'n 174cm (5'8.5) and i love my height. i come from a quite tall country, and either way im striving for the runway model body, which is impossible if i were shorter

3. i try not to keep much thinsp0 on my phone so i don't have my fav rn:/

4. people around me stopping me, getting worried, me getting severe health issues, gaining it back

5. i am 100% doing it for me bc both of my parents started to skinny shame me recently.

6. sometimes, vut very rarely. mainly because i don't actively restrict often, whenever i do seem to lose weight is when my appetite is shitty. i do however have days where i eat like 2000cals, but not in one sitting. that's probably bc im just depriving my body literally always lmao

7. they don't know, i keep acting like the "i didn't notice i lost weight, must be bc of anxiety" bitch, and i will keep it up, if they knew they wld definitely stop me.

8. don't have one. i walk a lot( >10k steps most days) , sometimes cycling or rollerblading.

9. i only have two instances where it was in a positive way😃 my parents started saying im getting chubby in like 2018, now i lost like 14kgs (around 30lbs i think?) and my mom keeps skinny shaming me.

10. right before my ed started i was extremely obsessed w junk food. mainly chocolate and chips and pizza. but the thing is i was literally 12 years old and doing sports 3-4 times a week, so i could afford it calorie wise. i dont know, i think a part of me misses eating two bags of chips for lunch and not thinking twice about it, bc chips are one of my fear foods now. oh and also nkt caring about bodies in general. now i constantly compare myself and feel good if im thinner. i miss looking at bodies through the child's eyes.

11. don't have one

12. it varies, but lately im obsessed with eggs?? (partly because we're fucking broke rn and had no good food🤣), but i eat yogurts, i love fruit, cucumbers, orange juice, croissants, and sometimes my mom's cooking.

13. i dont think i can lose weight in a healthy way at my bmi lol

14. i used to sometimes say 58kg,but now that im one foot in the 50s and i don't have my goal body, I'd say 55 or 56kg but definitely can change

15. im a pescetarian who doesn't like fish. i eat tuna sometimes or other fish if it's a socially pressured setting, but i just consider myself a vegetarian.

16. ik the exact day. november 30th, 2018. i was 13 and in a bad place mentally. it just got worse from there.

17. i dont know?????? i definitely have disordered eating, but i dont think it's an actual disorder. if it was, it would be like ednos or some shite, bc my bmi isn't below 15😻

18. cheesy things. sometimes sweet things.

19.i guess last week? i got fries from hesburger.

20. don't think it's considered a diet but intermittent fasting. i know it's not a weight loss secret, but as someone with anxiety and low appetite, it's so much easier to eat 2 meals instead of the 3 meal 3 snack blasphemy.

21. for tops it's usually small, and pants 38eu, 6 in american sizing. thing is i fit in 36, but the clothes from my favorite stores tend to be tight, like i can get it on but breathing is difficult.

22. unless you count it from when i was still a child, it's now, 59/60kg.

finishing some other time bc im tired

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

it's wild how much weight i've lost since we've broken up. 10 lbs. that's a fuckin lot for not even trying.

but i think the weeks of meal plans we did set me up for this. i'm also not eating out now AT ALL. i still eat pizza and frozen chicken nuggets and pierogies here and there. but mainly i'm eating really clean. sandwiches and salads for lunch. chicken or salmon or pork and veggies for dinner. and i'm walking a lot more, i walk home from work almost every time, and it's only a 20 min walk.

and when i was in edmonton for 3 months i was down to like 143-145.

but when i went home to edmonton this past weekend i weighed myself and i was 139!!! i haven't weighed in the 130's since like 2015. that's almost 10 years holy shit... and i was SO skinny back then. the best i've ever, ever felt about my body. i was so fit.

and i wasn't large when i was with jake, i was more or less happy with my weight, i was around 150. i definitely wasn't as small as i used to be, but i felt comfortable in my skin. and i bought clothes that fit me and felt good in them!

but wow. what a fuckin difference now. i knew i had lost weight because i have been FEELING myself these past few months. AND my clothes are all loose on me, especially my jeans! like legit loose like i need to wear a belt sometimes.

when i was in edmonton i went through all my old clothes to see what i could fit into again. there are absolutely shorts that do NOT fit me still. my thighs are thique and that is absolutely OK. but the dresses. there is this one sundress that was my absolute favourite. the red one. there was a time i couldn't fit into it anymore and it honestly broke my heart. but i got over it. most of my dresses have been a bit tight on me.

anyways, i tried it on, and it fits like a motherfucking glove. i was soooo happy. i can't wait to wear it this summer. some of the other dresses are still a bit too tight or just don't fit me like i want them to, or i'm just over.

but it's honestly wild. i wasn't trying to lose weight at all, that was legit the last thing on my mind. i've just been living my life how i want to and wow what a difference it's made.

tanya made a joke that it was all the weight from my relationship, like literal metaphorical weight. i was so weighed down by jake and now after leaving him i'm lighter. free. no longer burdened. i like that a lot.

#personal

[scoups4lyfe]

Lmao hi! I always love your live blogging so much and I dont want to sound rude but I love how you collectively lost your mind sometimes lmao. But same tho. Its only ep 18 and someone close to the main cast already die. So I think it would just continue downhill from here.

Ah also, Idk if you active on Twitter but rumour has it that Kagerou gonna make an appearance again (well mostly bc the actor may or may not spoil it lmao) so I hope Kagerou would smack Olteca sksksksk.

Anyway, love your blog and the memes (nah bc like, how diligent are you making meme while live blogging? Thats really amazing). Thank you for your hard work and dont forget to rest up ✨

0whhhh ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू) thnnnnx so much anon

'I don't want to sound rude'

brooooo. ahahahaha *SMOOCH* you didn't sound rude AT ALL <33333. This was sooooo nice <33333, made me smile :))

And also --- to all the other potential anons or idk anyone I guess LOL; y'all don't gotta worry about sounding rude

like, it has no effect on me.

So don't cha worry about antagonizing me <3333 in fact..

I WANT y'all to antagonize me. Just makes me more >:DD pOWERFUL.

To give you some visual imagery of my personality, for better grounds of interaction, I made this CHART:

Now, 'what does this even mean?' You might be askin.

WELL. I'm the clown emoji. Both of them.

(Also I put Banjo and Sento on here cause I'm similar to them both in different ways. Like Sento, I'm a freak that has genius qualities-but only at very certain specific things, all other times just imagine Banjou Ryuga when thinking of me cause--- headass we're almost exactly the same person LOL!)

The only fool on this chart I'd never put in my 'reminds me of myself :))' journal would be Ikki <33. The only similar trait we have is himbo jock energy. But I just wanted him on this chart LOL!

Me and George are similar in that 🤝🤝 we're both freak-bastards; but unlike George I'm a gremlin (like Oltecca <333) instead of a King LOL!

BACK TO ANON

(lol) I do NOT have a twitter. My chat friends Nacho and J have placed bets to when I'll finally make an account and just finish fully falling straight into depravity. (Not that I"m callin' twitter users depraved, but if *I* was a twitter user I would be depraved. Is the thing.)

(Imagine: GEORGE, and/or OLTECCA cause on twitter I'd be a mix of the two.)

And damn I would nOT be surprised if Kageoru pops in LOL!! I was always waiting for Daiji's other shoe to drop, and that subtle

ominious-ass

smile Daiji had on his face while lookin at Ikki's crisped unconscious body haunts me.

Now, would he smack Oltecca? You never kno with that guy. I would be UN-surprised if instead of fighting him he gave that stupid squid a kiss on the lips. Why? Because Kagerou and Oltecca are two sides of the same coin 😛😛.

and THANKS man ;~~~~; aGAIN for liking my dumb asf jokes LOL!!

Nacho linked me a seXy website that makes creating and editing memes as easy as stealing candy from a baby, except you steal the baby too. It's just that easy. Besides, if I didn't make them in theee moment, while I'm thinking of it--

I would and wILL literally forget, because

(I guess Takamichi also could've been put on the graph....LOL)

.....like that dumb <3 ass I have the mind of a bird. If I can't see it, I won't even think of it.

xxxxxxx annon <333. (๑❛ ▿ ◠๑ )

#reading this #was so cute #haha rlly said 'dont wanna be rude' and then said the nicest things ever #so funny #man even if u werE rude it wouldn't matter #cause I caN'T fkING rEAD lol #<3333 #i'd apologize for the long post #but i still haven't grasped that anyone reads these posts LOL #every character on the chart (except Ikki) is similar to me in one way or another. lmaOOO #I wouldn't even tHINK of putting myself on the 'meow meow' scale #but ngl 2021 hit me like s TRuCK ahahaha #I lost a lot of weight.....like 10 lbs in a WEEK literally I was weighing myself around the time #because my diet had to change #according to the doctor...I am allergic to fkING eVerythiNG. #can't eat wheat #can't eat peanuts #can't eat eggs #diary products were ALREADy off the table #but damn #eGGS??? fk meeee man #living gluten free and egg/milk free in america is equivalent to #eating dirt every day for nutrients #as they would rather serve you dirt than food #and you'd sooner find options in the dirt than in a store or restaurant #so fking MEOW MEOW to me lOL #even went to the ER and everything :DD #kronthescoup #revice spoilers #ikki why is ur demon so cringe

[starvationfreediet]

How To Lose up to 50 LBS Before SUMMER Without Starving Yourself? (2021 Update)

I’m gonna be honest with you: weight loss takes a lot of effort. No matter what technique you do, there will be some resistance, and that’s totally natural.

There’s no magic program or way to lose weight. If weight loss were so easy, everyone on Earth would be a supermodel.

Now, the idea of losing weight sounds really appealing, I know. When you lose weight, you feel fulfilled and confident because you have ticked off one of your goals off your list.

When you lose weight, you literally have the mindset to achieve anything.

But it doesn’t mean that there are no easy ways to lose weight.

What the average person does when wanting to lose weight

When you think of weight loss, what comes to your mind?

Calories

Hunger

Stress?

Well, that’s common. When I tried losing weight, that is also what I thought about, until I learned something that changed my life.

“Create a diet suited for your lifestyle, not a lifestyle suited for your diet”.

When wanting to lose weight, this is what people usually do:

embark on crash diets

starve themselves

give up their favorite foods

completely change their lifestyle

And although the average person might see some results in doing that, they will not keep the fat OFF, and here is why:

After having melted a few pounds, the average person will go back to their original lifestyle and end up back to eating the foods they gave up during their diet.

This means that they will gain back the weight that they lost!

But imagine if you could lose fat permanently?

Imagine if you could see progress every single week.

Imagine if you could lose weight without starving yourself while still eating what you love.

Imagine seeing progress while still allowing yourself to eat tasty meals like ribeye steak with roasted garlic and butter?

How cool would that be?

But first:

Let me share my story…

Now, you surely have heard a lot of weight loss stories saying things like “I started losing weight in a few days when I ate THIS, or by drinking THIS“…

Well I didn’t do any of those things, because if I said that, then I would be lying to you. No. My weight loss was totally natural.

I just had to take a different approach which I’m gonna share with you right now.

My name is Andrea, I’m 24 and I’m from Colorado but have lived in Los Angeles, California, for most of my life now.

Despite my weight issue, I majored in nutrition in college because it really fascinated me. I now love what I do: helping people lead a healthy life.

About a year ago, I had had enough. I am 5″10 and weighed 190 pounds. I was overweight, helpless and desperate. I had tried every diet out there, or so it seemed, and all of them had barely any results on me.

When I was lucky enough to lose a few pounds, I would gain them right back in a week or even less! No matter how much I crash dieted, nothing would work.

I would blame myself for this. Most of my family members are either overweight or obese, so I don’t have the best genetics. My metabolism is very slow.

My best friend, Clara, saw that my weight issue was putting a huge strain on my mental health. So she decided to do some research to find something to help me out.

After a few days, she comes to my house and tells me that she might have found the solution for me. When she told me what it was, I laughed…

“Clara, there is no way this is possible,” I said. “I cannot possibly lose weight without starving myself and still eating what I love, that’s crazy!”

But she pressured me to do the program that she found for me. So since she insisted and wanted to help me, I figured that I’d just try out The Custom Keto Diet Plan.

The program was really affordable and plus if I wasn’t happy with it, I’d get my money back. So what did I have to lose, right?

After the first week of the program, I couldn’t believe what happened. When I got onto the scale, I weighed about 183 lbs. That’s right. I had melted about 7 pounds in 1 week.

I had never seen such progress and was really surprised because this Custom Keto Diet Plan didn’t feel like a diet at all!

I was:

Eating what I loved every day

Never hungry

Seeing progress

I was seeing progress while enjoying the process…

And even though I thought I was genetically doomed, this program helped me anyway.

I was seeing huge progress every week! And at the end of the 8-week program, I weighed 138 pounds, which was 2 pounds UNDER my goal weight. I was extremely happy, and I still am.

And let me tell you that the fat I melted is GONE. It has been about 8 months since I lost weight and my body weight has never gone above 140 lbs since.

This is possible for you too. Imagine being able to enjoy your diet while seeing progress!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, dear reader: ‘what the hell is this Custom Keto Diet Plan? Why should I care?’. And that’s ok, I was skeptical too when learning about it.

But if you stick to the end, I will reveal to you that it is not some “magic” program. As I said, any program you will take will require effort on your part!

It is perfectly logical and if done seriously will bring you amazing results!

Even me, who thought to be “genetically doomed” was able to do it.

But let me ask you this, reader: do you really wanna lose weight? Do you really wanna lead a healthier life?

If yes, then I strongly recommend you reading this until the end because you will be able to do just that literally tonight.

There is no better feeling than knowing you lost weight and achieved your goal.

MY GAME CHANGER:

Most products or services out there will not keep the fat you lost “off” if you know what I mean.

And that’s a bummer because the worst feeling is ending up back at square one. I’ve been there before, and you probably have too.

But imagine if you could lose weight fast and effectively without starving yourself?

How amazing would it be if you could enjoy your favorite foods and still see progress?

And more importantly: imagine if you could do all those things and not gain back the pounds you lost?

How cool would all that be?

What IS the Custom Keto Diet Plan?

The Custom Keto Diet Plan is a program that focuses on creating customized meal plans for you based on:

what you love eating, so you won’t give up your favorite foods

goal weight, so you’ll 100% meet it

Daily activity levels, so you don’t need to be exercising daily if you don’t want to

overall lifestyle so that you don’t have to change your daily life

It is a quick weight loss plan that is best for an upcoming occasion, big day, or to shed vacations weight.

It is based on a scientifically proven method and uses only healthy food sources, so it is completely safe for you

A step by step guide on weight-loss explaining how to achieve the target weight, so you’ll know exactly what to do

It gives a complete list of foods to select as per personal likings, so you’ll be eating what you love everyday

An accurate diet plan is based on every user’s micro calories and macro calories.

A complete grocery list for shopping that can be downloaded, so you’ll know what to cook

And so much more…

There are no supplements or exercise needed.

And those services will be effective for you because they only make minor changes to your diet. Plus since you won’t need to change your lifestyle, it will work long-term for you.

Thanks to the custom keto diet, I lost over 50lbs in about 2 months, and I would see progress daily.

Imagine seeing progress every day! No better feeling.

Now you have 2 options if this interests you:

Option 1:

Go to a dietitian and ask them to come up with a custom meal plan for you. This is great, but quite expensive: $100 per session plus $400 for check-ins and updates.

Option 2:

Check out the program that I have linked below, which does exactly the same things but at a fraction of this price, so you’ll save a lot of money and time.

If this interests you, grab yourself a custom keto diet plan for a discounted price right below (60-day money back guarantee).

In addition, receive a FREE Deliciously Easy Keto Recipe E-book.

Get Your Custom Keto Diet Right Here!

No subscription, keep your meal plan for life!

What do you have to lose? Either love your meal plan and see progress or get your money back!

If you do the program seriously, it will be a huge game-changer and you will lose weight way before summer begins

#goal weight #weightloss #lose weight #nutrition #healthy #keto #calories #food #healthy food recipes #foodforthought

[searxhing4skinny]

120 Hour Fasting.

(Broken down into 10 updates, every 12 hours)

UPDATE 1: 12 Hour Mark.

this one passed by so fast lol. It was 2AM when I hit the 12 hour mark so I couldn’t update it then. I’ve figured myself out. The easiest way for me to do anything that I consider to be somewhat difficult is to break it down to tiny pieces and just focus on the piece in front of me.

I’m on my 18th hour right now and I’m so excited to hit 24 hours 😅. If everything goes according to plan, I will be weighing in at 77 by the end of this fast.

I’ve even thought of the perfect lie to tell my boyfriend when he tries to feed me. I’ll just say my tummy is upset and that will be that.

UPDATE 2: 24 Hour Mark.

I finished the first 2 chunks of my fasting! Whoop whoop lol I’m so happy. I’m watching a lot of what I eat in a day things because it’s helping me not eat.

I’m so excited for my weigh in on Monday when I finish this fast. I’ll probably have like an apple and get right back into another fast but we’ll see how it goes.

I’m gonna hit 36 hours at 2AM again so the next update will be tomorrow morning when I’m already in the middle of my 4th cluster. That makes me happy for some reason. Like today, when I did the 12 hour mark update, I was already halfway through my second cluster.

Mood: happy. Excited.

UPDATE 3: 36 Hour Mark.

This hit at 2AM so it’s now much later that I’m updating. But it’s okay. I weighed in at 81.7 this morning. I’m literally losing a KG a day (or 2lbs). I’m traveling somewhere in about a week, and if I stick to this plan, I will be at 74,73 by the time I’m traveling.

I was thinking I’d break my fast with some greasy food but that will just end up making me feel bad with burping up oil and shit so I’ll probably just have a big day of big salads (which I’m VERY excited about also 😂).

I’m also glad that I’m documenting my journey with videos. I didn’t do that before. I have videos of me almost breaking down and crying about how sad I am that I don’t fit in my clothes. That will be my reminder every time I want to binge.

I have a big binge planned for the 25th (the day I’m traveling) because I’ll be in the mid to early 70s by then, but I don’t think I’ll do it. It feels almost dishonest to call it a binge, it’s just going to be a normal ‘cheat day’. It doesn’t matter what I call it man. I’m probably going to have some pizza and KFC on that day. But my weight will be low enough that any weight I gain as a result of that will not make me drastically unhappy.

Also, I’m almost halfway through 💃🏾

UPDATE 4: 48 Hour Mark.

I’m now at hour 49 because I’d even forgotten that I have updates to do lol. I’m actually hungry right now, for the first real time since I started this fast. I’ve found a section of YouTube where people just eat and it’s turning me off to food so I love it.

I’m in the middle of the 5th cluster right now and it’s so crazy to me how fast the time has gone by. I’m going to focus on my hydration as well because I’m starting to get a headache.

Mood: meh.

EDIT: I started thinking of getting a pizza and I was so close to succumbing but I guess I compromised because I made myself eggs and two slices of bread. I literally was starving. It was 54 hours in. So I’m happy. It took me going to almost the halfway point before eating. Next time I’ll probably be able to do the whole thing. I decided that it’s not enough to qualify as breaking my fast so I’m still gonna finish my fast. Lol yay me, i guess.

I sometimes think I’m just using Ed things as a way to lose weight quickly because I’m so impatient, but I’m battling with the urge to purge right now. I know if I start, I’ll never stop. So I did this. I ate. It’s okay. I’m not going to die. It’s not that bad. My weigh in tomorrow might be the same number as it was today but that won’t kill me. I’m fine. It’s okay.

UPDATE 6: 60 Hour Mark.

2AM passed. I’m the other side of halfway now. I weighed in at 81. Which I’m happy about because I didn’t gain any weight from eating eggs last night. I also didn’t lose any, but that’s okay. I’m gonna be at 80 tomorrow if I stay on track today.

Mood: okay. Not exhilarated. Not down. Just okay. Lol.

UPDATE 7: 72 Hour Mark.

I am almost surprised by how fast the time is going. Very exciting stuff. I’m almost done with my fast. So happy to go and eat jelly and noodles on Monday whoop whoop 💃🏾💃🏾

48 more hours to go.

UPDATE 8: 84 Hour Mark.

Honestly just ready to be done with this fast. It’s going very well but I’m bored lol and I miss chewing.

I’m so happy about how easy this fast has been for me. I’ve literally had one meal in 4 days. I weighed in at 81.4 this morning. I know it will be 80 tomorrow. I would have wanted to break the fast when I hit the 70s but 80 is still good because I’m gonna have maybe 1500 calories tomorrow and then go right into another 6 day fast so I’m probably gonna be 75,76 by the end of the next fast.

Mood: happy 😊

Mood: almost skinny.

UPDATE 9: 96 Hour Mark.

24 more hours! I’m so happy. I’m so proud of myself. I can’t believe I actually did it. By this time tomorrow I’ll be done. And I honestly don’t even feel hungry.

UPDATE 10: 108 Hour Mark.

Meh.

UPDATE 11: 120 Hour Mark.

I DID IT!!!!

And I forgot to screengrab my 120/120 hour thing 😩😂 but I did it.

I weighed in at 80.7 today. Which means I’ve lost a good 5 KGS (10 lbs) in 5 days. The plan is to pig out today but it’s been so hard because my stomach has gotten so used to being empty that eating literally jello was enough to make me full lol.

I’m starting another fast tomorrow. This one will be 6 days/144 hours. I’m hoping to be in the mid 70s by the end of that fast.

Mood: happy. Accomplished. Excited. Determined.

#weight loss #fasting for weight loss #ed things

[mrs--wheels]

I made a human.

Yes, I made a human.  I gave birth to a baby boy!  Here’s my birth story: On Wednesday July 14th I went for my routine 36 week OB-Gyn checkup.  At that visit they did a sonogram and everything looked normal, baby was in the 46th percentile for size.  The Dr. checked my cervix and I was 2 cm dilated already.  My blood pressure was high, which it had been for 6 weeks, but I did not have preeclampsia (yet - I was borderline.)  The Dr. took me off work and said if I did not deliver by next week Thursday July 22 I would need to be induced.  My blood pressure was causing really bad swelling everywhere in my body, but especially my calves, ankles, feet and wrists.  I weighed 251 lbs at the checkup, about 55 lbs heavier than my pre-pregnancy weight.  So I went into work with my disability form all filled out and basically peaced out, said goodbye to a few of my coworkers and my boss, and I ain’t lookin’ back.  I went home, much to my husband’s surprise (he was working from home that day.)  I’d like to say I enjoyed the last week of my pregnancy but that’s not entirely true.  I was in terrible discomfort, especially my pelvis: I was having bad pelvic pain & pressure, so bad I could barely walk. The night of Monday July 19th I could hardly walk up the stairs to my bed, it hurt so bad.  I did have surprisingly restful night’s sleep that night, which was good because of what was to come... At 5 am on Tuesday July 20th, I rolled over in bed and felt a wetness.  Unsure if I peed myself or if my water broke, I went into the bathroom.  Clear fluid was running down my legs, and it didn’t smell like pee.  The puddle on my sheets didn’t either.  I called the OB-Gyn’s office from the bathroom. and the Dr. on call told me if contractions started on their own to head into the hospital.  If they didn’t start on their own, head in anyway but wait until after 8:30, 9 am.  So I took a shower, made some toast & a banana for breakfast, and unloaded the dishwasher.  Around 6 am I had my first contractions, but they weren’t too strong and they were about 7 or 8 minutes apart.  I woke up my husband and told him I thought my water broke, and I was having contractions.  He leapt out of bed and into the shower.  As I lay on the bed waiting for him, the contractions were coming closer together (4-5 minutes apart) and getting stronger.  My husband got dressed and I called my mom.  She said she’d meet us at the hospital and we grabbed the overnight bags and diaper bag and went straight to the hospital. My husband drove like a panicked maniac, and I was gritting my teeth in the passenger seat with every contraction.  We got to the hospital and I refused to let my husband get me a wheelchair, I wanted to walk in on my own.  I had a contraction in the parking lot and barely made it to the 2nd floor to Labor & Delivery.  By now it was around 7:30 am.  They took me into a triage room for a  workup, I changed into a gown, and a nurse put the fetal heart monitor on me.  I got to listen to that little galloping horse heartbeat, nice and strong.  In came a Dr. and 2 students, they did a history on me and after a very uncomfy pelvic exam it was determined I was 8 cm dilated and fully effaced!  (The student who first checked me said I was 4 cm... the actual Dr determined it was 8... kind of a big difference!)  The contractions were pretty much on top of each other by now, only a minute apart.  I was moved straight into the delivery room, without stopping in a labor room first. This was at around 9:30 am maybe? I got to 10 cm in less than than 2 hours, and ready to push.  I didn’t even have a hospital bracelet or an IV, things were moving way too fast.  The Dr. showed up fully gowned, and they got me on the table and ready to go.  This was the first time my mom was able to see me, she’d been waiting over an hour, since I was expected to be in labor a lot longer! I was ready to push at just before 10 am and I was absolutely terrified, I was so not ready.  I had a birth plan packed in my overnight bag.  In it, I requested an epidural.  I wanted pain meds, to be able to sleep and rest during labor... My husband brought his laptop, we had a bluetooth speaker ready to play music in the delivery room... All of this was shot right out the window.  I was terrified of the prospect of pushing, terrified of the pain.  I felt like I had to take a massive poop, and even screamed “I’m gonna poop!” in the delivery room.  My mom and the Dr were like “Just do it! That’s the baby coming out!”  I pushed maybe a dozen times? Twice for every contraction.  I squeezed my husband’s hand and felt my mom’s hand on my forehead.  I was drenched in sweat from head to toe and shaking like crazy.  They told me not to scream, that I was wasting energy I needed to funnel into pushing -  but, like, ok, it hurts!  I was hurling 4-letter words (and I never swear around my mom,) and gripping onto the back of the pillow under my head (which didn’t help the poor nurse still trying to stick an IV in my arm - they blew a vein in my left hand and ended up putting the IV in my right wrist - normally I’m bad with needles but I was in so much pain I didn’t even care.)  The fetal heart monitor wasn’t working anymore, because the baby was moving down the birth canal.  The excess skin & fluid on my lower abdomen made it difficult to get a reading, so a nurse was literally pushing the monitor hard into my belly, while I was trying to push at the same time.  Eventually they used an internal monitor, this thing that looks like a cattle prod that attached to the top of the baby’s head, under the scalp, through the cervix.  Luckily I didn’t know that had happened until after he was born. After about 15 minutes of pushing, and my poor crying husband looking like he was about to pass out (he hates seeing me in pain.) I gave birth to a baby boy at 10:14 am.  It’s the most bizarre feeling in the world: like I was a bottle of champagne and he was the cork.  I could feel everything since I had no drugs, the baby’s head and shoulders popping out and the gush of fluids afterwards. I did need a few stitches, I had a second degree tear, but I never felt that or the placenta being delivered. The whole room was in a flurry, there was at least 1 dozen people there - the Dr, an instructor, several students, nurses and my mom & husband.  I was the talk of labor & delivery that day: the first-timer who came in at 7:30 and had a baby less than 3 hours later.  The baby was put right on my chest after he was born.  I had my eyes closed pretty much the entire time I had been pushing, but I opened them when I felt that warm, wiggly little baby on me.  He was absolutely beautiful, rosy pink and screaming.  My husband said he was born with his eyes open, arms and legs flailing, and a very healthy set of lungs.  He scored a 9 on his one-minute Apgar and a 9 on the 5-minute too: the highest score you can get!  He weighed 6 lbs, 8 oz and was 20.25 inches long.  My husband cut the cord (squeamishly) and my mom and him just gushed over this perfect little guy.  I was exhausted but exhilarated, I felt triumphant!  I had given birth with no drugs, all natural, and made it out to tell the tale. I had no idea my body was capable of that, but it knew more than I did.... We (me, my mom, and my husband) were able to stay in the delivery room for 2 hours after the baby’s birth.  We finally agreed on a name (well, I proposed the name and wouldn’t take no for an answer - after all, who had just given birth anyways?)  We decided on Owen Paul.  Owen because I love the name and it means “warrior”, and Paul after my brother who passed away 19 years ago.  It somehow fits him perfectly, he looks like an Owen.  He’s got beautiful red-gold hair that swirls on his head, and dark blue eyes that I’m hoping stay that color.  I was able to start nursing him right away (my nursing journey is a story for another time, though...) and we were all able to bond.  It was a wonderful experience, and it is true what they say: you forget all the pain once you lay eyes on the little miracle.  Maybe it’s the huge rush of hormones that causes this amnesia, but it really is true.  I’d do it all over again!

I’ve lost nearly all the weight I gained during pregnancy, since it was pretty much all baby, placenta, amniotic fluid and the fluid that was blowing me up like a balloon.  I’m not in any pain, even with the stitiches. I only took a few Tylenol the first couple of days, I guess I have a pretty high tolerance!  I’m feeling good, all things considered, and healthy.  It’s nice not to have that constant pelvic pain anymore. Owen is going to be 2 weeks old tomorrow, and it’s been a huge adjustment (an obvious understatement.)  The days are long, but the years will be short - everyone tells me that.  It’s frustrating, and miserable and so so so tiring.  But they are only babies for such a short time, I plan on enjoying every minute of him!  He’s the best thing I’ve ever made.

#tw: birth #tw: medical #my birth story #personal

[alltheblackroses]

how I lost 20 lbs in 2 months

Disclaimer: This is what worked for me! I’m obviously not a dietician or fitness instructor. Attempt all of this at your own risk.

Do you feel like you’re doomed to weigh the same forever? Do you feel out of control while eating sometimes? Do you want to cry when looking in the mirror? I felt the exact same way before developing healthy eating habits and an exercise routine over the summer. I’m 5′7 and weighed 136 lbs from the time I was like 10 all the way up to 17. I got a job at a shitty fast food restaurant in high school, stopped playing sports and got all the way up to 190. Went to college, got slightly more active, and stayed at 185ish for about 4 years. 

I started this being not active whatsoever and ate whatever was around. Now I’m 160 - only another 10 lbs from my goal weight. I took about a two month break of actively trying to lose weight due to school starting up again (final semester of college thank god) but I’m heading back to the gym tomorrow to start it up again.

So basically I’m gonna drop what I ate a variation of every single day and my exercise routine and some tips. 

Part I - Food

Food will make or break a healthy lifestyle. One unhealthy meal won’t make you fat, but one healthy meal won’t make you skinny. The key is to have accessible meals that are small and packed with good nutrition to keep you as full as possible. The days where you’ll have the most difficulty with this are days when you’ll forget your breakfast/lunch at home. 

Examples of breakfast...

(1) Jimmy Dean Egg Delights English Muffin - this was a favorite because it’s made with whole grains, turkey sausage and egg whites. These are all healthy and yummy alternatives to fatty regular sausage and unhealthy white bread. 250 calories.

(2) Scrambled eggs and (1) piece of wheat toast - This is what I would buy at work if I forgot my lunch at home. Still nutritional and delicious, but not ideal because of yolks. Also, where’s the fruit? About 260 calories.

(1/2) cup of oatmeal with (1 thicc) tbsp of peanut butter, along with cinnamon and blueberries - Oh man I ate this one for the longest time! The key to eating peanut butter is to stop eating brands like JIF or Skippy. They’re loaded with all kinds of sugar and other ingredients you don’t need. Find peanutbutter (or your favorite nut butter) that has only 2 ingredients: nuts and water. You won’t miss the sugar and it’s way better for you! I gravitated towards Smucker’s Natural Creamy Peanut Butter because it’s less than $4, even though it had some salt in the ingredients as well. About 260 calories.

(1) boiled egg, (1) plum, and (1) oatmeal cookie - Not my favorite to do because it involved baking oatmeal cookies and I am lazy. The oatmeal cookie recipe was basically wheat flour, applesauce, coconut sugar, cinnamon, almond milk, olive oil and baking powder. The whole batch lasted about a week. About 190 calories.

I typically ate breakfast at 9 a.m. every weekday. Every breakfast was accompanied by a big, hot coffee with half and half, or if I was at home, my favorite Nut Pods Original creamer. Coffee is an appetite suppressant and aids with helping someone focus, so drinking that in the morning with a relatively low calorie breakfast was a great way to start the day and help me focus on work until lunch time. I usually get hungry at around 1 - 2 and bust out my lunch. 

Examples of lunch...

(2) pieces of wheat bread with a handful of spinach leaves, 2 pieces of ham, mustard and a cup of unsweetened applesauce on the side. Have water or sparkling water on the side. Easy to make when running out the door because you overslept. About 400 calories.

(2) pieces of sunflower seed bread, (2) pieces of ham, (1) piece of swiss cheese, (1) low fat Babybel Spreadable cheese, handful of cherries. I ate this the longest because it made me feel like a faerie eating various fruits and cheeses with bread in the woods when I was actually sitting in a cubicle. About 350 calories.

After lunch I would stay at work til 5:30/6, then head to the gym and work out. I’ll cover my (simple) workout routine next but I’m going to skip to dinner for now.

Examples of dinner...

Eggroll in a bowl with ground turkey or tofu instead of ground pork/beef is heavenly and guilt-free

Sopa is a Mexican dish my boyfriend’s dad makes pretty often so I decided to take a crack at it. You can truly make this dish however you like it. I added diced chicken, whole wheat pasta spirals, and tons more spices and veggies than the recipe linked did. This stuff is amazing and lasted me like 2 weeks. 

Veggie spaghetti. Heavily inspired by Sarah Hawkinson’s famous spaghetti. I recommend watching her video and adding any types of veggies you think would be best. My tip for staying health-conscious when making spaghetti is to boil a little bit of pasta every meal so I’m not tempted to eat a ton of the protein pasta. 

Rotisserie chicken and fruit. Like I said, I’m extremely lazy and some days after working out I just wanna inhale protein and carbs. 

Bag of popcorn. Not recommended but sometimes the laziness surpasses “rotisserie chicken and fruit” lazy. Orville Redenbacker’s Naturals Lightly Salted popcorn is where it’s at.

Most of my days would end anywhere from 800 - 1000 calories. Coupled with my exercise routine, I was well below my recommended calorie intake. I had tried to stick to the recommended calories for someone my height in the past with no success. This is what worked for me. 

General tips on food...

Only drink unsweetened drinks like water, unsweet tea and sparkling flavored water. Don’t use a lot of sugar in coffee, and make it dairy free if possible. I know I feel like a whale after ingesting dairy and I’m not even lactose intolerant.

Are you on your period and need chocolate asap? Unsweetened dark chocolate bars (70% cacao) and chocolate Halo Top (320 cal for the whole pint - worth it once a month if you’re dying) are your best friends.

If you’re going drinking with friends avoid sweetened drinks like margaritas or heavy drinks like beer. Stick with vodka sodas.

My only snacks were popcorn and fruit and even then I didn’t eat them that much. Get out of the habit of snacking, as well as eating big meals.’

On the weekends I would stray from the meals listed above a little! I would eat the same breakfast, camp out at a cafe and read for about 6 hours and have a lunch of a big mocha latte and 2 macarons, then have a small bowl of pho for dinner. Replacing a good lunch with coffee isn’t ideal, but I made sure not to overeat during dinner time to make up for it! Portion sizes is such a huge thing to be mindful of. Always get a smaller portion than you think you will want, focus on the taste of the food and how your body feels, and you’ll be sure to not overeat. Be content, not full.

Part II - Exercise

I initially started working out because I don’t want to get into the habit so many people have of going to work in an office all day then go home and sitting some more. This was partially easy to do because I worked in an office that had a fully furnished gym so it was easy to just move from the office to the gym at 6 p.m. 

I have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so I workout to keep that in check, as well. I’ve found that making my body so exhausted it can’t literally vibrate in anxiety is a good way to make life bearable. 

So here’s the machine’s I use...

Manual treadmill - my absolute FAVORITE machine of all time. Relatively new technology, and absurdly expensive to purchase for a home gym. (They’re like $5k!) The gym had a few and you burn soooo many more calories on this machine versus a traditional electric treadmill, and it doesn’t make my knees ache the way a treadmill does. Be prepared for your calves to burn like Hades for the first few weeks if you take on my exercise schedule.

Elliptical - nothing makes me sweat like a pig more than the elliptical with a cranked up resistance. I always make sure to alternate between propelling myself forward with my arms and my legs to ensure I’m getting a tough workout in.

Stationary bike - the one where you can lean back and pedal away while reading a book. There’s nothing like finishing a stressful day at work, listening to some Stellamara and reading a good book while exercising. This is my favorite machine for non-exercise reasons because I can read for hours and justify it because it’s healthy.

Aaaand that’s about it. I hear conflicting arguments of how weight lifting is better for you and you burn more weight and blah blah blah but I just prefer cardio and these machines worked for me really well.

Here’s what my typical exercise schedule looked like...

Day 1

2 mi on manual treadmill

2 mi on elliptical

Day 2

2 mi on manual treadmill

∞ mi on stationary bike (I don’t keep track because I’m reading but it’s usually upward of 7)

And alternate through every weekday. On average I would burn 500 - 700 calories per day. 

General tips for fitness...

Find something that you can seamlessly incorporate into your daily routine. The goal of working out should, in part, be about incorporating a healthier lifestyle. Working out shouldn’t trigger and “Ugh I gotta workout I guess” mentality because you’re basically guaranteeing yourself to fail later on, especially if the only person motivating you to workout is yourself. Tell yourself, “I went to [school, work, other mandatory activity], now I’m going to go workout because that is my schedule.” and stick to it. Before you know it your body will be craving exercise and the schedule will be easier to maintain than ever. 

Listen to your body if something hurts. Treadmills hurt my knees, ankles and hips a ton. That’s one of the main reasons I switched to the manual treadmill. 

You don’t need to buy a new wardrobe to workout in, but find clothes that are suitable for the activity you’re doing. Since I only do cardio, I stick to leggings, a fitted tank top and Nikes made specifically for running. Footwear is extremely important when working out! 

Find something that drives you to work out. For me, sure working out is fun, but it’s mainly my excuse to read. I feel so guilty when I read - I feel like I should be cleaning, doing homework, hanging out with my boyfriend, etc. But when I work out the world goes away and I can finally enjoy the story guilt free. Maybe you feel that way about watching shows or listening to podcasts - give it a try! Your brain will associate the two activities and it’ll help you not only crave exercise, but you have an excuse to enjoy the activity as well.

The most important tip I can offer throughout all of this is to not weigh yourself for the first month or so. Weighing myself constantly was always my downfall when I tried dieting and exercising before. I’d either get impatient and give up, or get complacent and tell myself I could skip the gym or eat poorly because I saw results. Give yourself a solid four weeks to put in the time and sweat five times a week and completely change your eating habits. Your body will grow stronger and you’ll feel yourself grow more confident. You’ll have done such an amazing job that when you step on the scale at the end of the month you’ll never want to go back to your old way of living again.

Remember that weight loss is a journey and everybody goes at their own pace. Not eating/regurgitating food/binging isn’t the way to achieve your goal body long-term. Developing a healthy way of eating and a manageable exercise goal is - and if I can do it, I know you can too :)

#exercise routine #thinspo #weight loss

[daesungindistress]

This isn't in response to anything in particular, no "new" news, just something that's been building for a while.

For my own mental and physical -- yes, physical -- health, I need to take a few steps back from everything. At least until this controversy re: Daesung is resolved.

After renting for all of my adult life, I just purchased a home for the first time. If I've been a little quiet here the past few days, it's because I've been in the process of packing and moving. There is a lot of work that needs to be done now that I'm finally here, not just around the house itself but with my small business that I've picked up and relocated as well. With this move, I'm essentially restarting my life in a new area and I need to be charged and ready for anything and everything life throws my way.

As a first-time homebuyer, the last month has been stressful; throwing oneself into something totally new usually is. The day I made an offer on the house, we experienced a sudden equipment failure at work and lost months' worth of customers' orders. It wasn't my fault, but I felt responsible nonetheless. That night, desperately needing to decompress, I came home to the realization that something was wrong with my cat. I took her to the vet for bloodwork, fluids, and antibiotics, and spent the next 3 days trying to syringe feed her... but ultimately could only look on, powerless, as she went from not eating or drinking to struggling to swallow, drool dripping from her chin, unable to rest, fighting for every labored breath. On July 1st I made the decision to end her suffering and let her go peacefully.

She was my constant companion. My only pet of the last 10 years and a daily presence in my life for over a decade, by my side through so much change. She slept beside me every night and was there to greet me at the door every evening when I came home. She was such a comfort to me. Every fic I've written for this fandom, she was curled up on my lap throughout it.

Died of cancer, it turns out. I didn't even know she was sick. She seemed fine right up until the day she suddenly wasn't... and it had to be right during a time when I was more financially stretched thin than I've ever been. $1,100 in diagnostic tests later and all I had to show for it was a dead friend and a crippling sense of guilt. I cried for her every day for nearly three weeks straight. Everywhere I looked I saw her still, in all her usual spots around the apartment, staring up at me. She was only 10, almost 11. I thought we would have more years together. More time.

We always fall into that trap, don't we? Thinking we have time.

Meanwhile, things with the house were moving along. The day she was euthanized I had to rush straight from the clinic to the bank to wire my earnest money. Told the banker with a teary laugh not to worry about my red eyes or my sniffling. "I'm not sick or contagious, just had my cat put down." The next day home inspections began and the reports and addendums came pouring in. I was in a state of near-constant communication with my realtor and my lender. I had to tell my loan officer about the vet bills to make sure it wasn't going to be a problem; you're not supposed to incur any large expenses just prior to purchasing a home as you risk the loan being rejected. I won't lie... this was a factor in me letting her go when I did (one of many). I couldn't afford to keep treating her. It wasn't until later, post mortem, that I got confirmation that it was cancer, and with it, a measure of closure.

I was finally working through it, or past it, no tears for almost a week when this bomb with Daesung dropped. Woke up to the worst ask: "What do you think of Daesung's new scandal?" In the 5 days that followed I was anxiety personified. I was back to crying incessantly. I'd get chills every time the thought of what was happening crossed my mind. Waking up every morning sweating and shaking. I was weak and hungry but couldn't bear the thought of eating. Choking down a slice of cheese seemed impossible; I had to take my nausea meds that I save for migraines just to keep it from coming back up. I thought, 'What the hell is going on? I'm not like this, this isn't me!'

One night I noticed some clothes were looser than usual and had the thought to weigh myself. I was shocked to find that I had lost around 17 lbs -- almost 13% of my body weight. I haven't weighed this little since high school. I have no idea how long it had been declining as my weight has always been steady enough that I don't need to check it regularly. Of course, I then began worrying about potential health issues besides "just" grief and stress. My cat seemed fine until she wasn't, I had no idea about the tumor in her lung until it was the end... could it be...?

Then I closed on the home on Monday, despite a few last-minute, headache-inducing setbacks that I won't go into here.

Over the last few days I have been so busy and so focused on the task at hand -- moving out and moving in -- that I've finally gotten my appetite back, and with it some of the weight, so that's one less thing to worry about, along with the homebuying process and the move itself. It helps that my parents are visiting so I'm not totally alone with my thoughts. I'm not thinking about the loss of my cat as often either, though the memory of her final days still moves me to tears here and there.

That leaves this ordeal with Daesung.

I'm handling it a lot better now than I was near the start, but I still feel a stab of fear every time I think of him. Fear for him. Every. Damn. Time.

More than anything, I want him to come out of this okay. I want to believe everything will be okay in the end. But I can't keep scaring and stressing myself sick over him, literally, at a time when I need to be strong for the sake of my own future. I've stopped challenging opinions on reddit, asianjunkie, etc. I've stopped checking entirely. It accomplishes nothing and I always end up at the bottom of a dogpile anyway, fending off opponents on all sides. Let's face it, fighting with strangers on the internet will have no tangible effect on the outcome of this. All it's doing is dragging me under.

And if I know one thing, it's that Daesung would not want that. "A singer who brings people happiness." That is what he aims to be, that is what he successfully became after clawing his way back from the events of 2011. "Let me protect your happiness," he sings, and says, on the regular.

But this is a far cry from happiness. This is anxiety and dread seemingly without end, fearing the worst, trying not to dwell on it yet trying to prepare for it. It's the exact opposite of everything he's ever wanted. And it would torment him to know how those who love him and want the best for him are hurting because of him.

So it's time to get some distance. I'll still be around, just less than usual, maybe. And to those of you who've been sending me asks, I appreciate them all, even if some of them don't get a reply.

That being said... I stand with Daesung. And I stand strong. I'm not swallowing this nonsense the Korean media is going all out to force down our throats. I believe in Daesung, and when this has passed, I will still be here for him, happy -- no, overjoyed to welcome him back. He is still a member of Big Bang and I expect the others -- Jiyong, Youngbae, Seunghyun -- will stand by him too when the time is right.

And if he leaves? Just to get it out of the way, I don't believe he will, because if he does that's it, Big Bang is officially over. But let's just say he does, hypothetically. If, after this, he decides to give Korea the middle finger and focus his efforts in Japan instead? I'll be here, on this same blog, still cheering him on in his solo career.

As for the fans who've lost their trust and turned their backs on him, fine, whatever. I'm used to the fandom ignoring him, overlooking him, seeing him as little more than a big voice and a bright smile. People like to say Seungri was the "least popular", but outside of Japan, that honor goes to Daesung. Especially in the English-speaking side of the fandom. Don't believe me, go scroll through English Big Bang fanfic and let me know how many feature him. Or should I say how few. I've tried to keep quiet about it, tried not to complain. Do you know how vanishingly rare active Daesung blogs have been in my 3+ years here? Since the beginning I've been over here in my little corner of the internet, surviving on scraps, so in a way, this is nothing new. Drop him if you want to -- and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

I've never needed anyone's approval or agreement to be fond of him. I came to like him on my own, without anyone's persuasion, and if that changes it won't be because of anything his newest critics have to say. The lack of support for him in this difficult time saddens me, but it won't stop me. And I sincerely hope that, for the sake of this entire fandom, it won't stop him either.

Stay strong, Daesung. I will try to do the same.

#daesung #bigbang #my post #what makes it worse is I'm feeling so so so convicted right now for how I've attacked seungri fans over the last few months #like... I had this coming didn't I? #I don't think their situations are the same but I'm well aware that not everyone sees it that way #and it just sucks #I think now would be a good time to just shut up #feels like I've become the very people I've spent months criticizing #at least it must look that way

[skinniplease]

I’m fucking sick

So here’s my story.

When I was 13 my family and I were visiting my family in California (in July). They were all weighing themselves and told me to step on. I was 5’0 tall and the scale read 135 lbs. My step mom exclaimed that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and starved myself the entire next day. The next night I got drunk. The day after that, I barely ate. The week went on with me barely eating.

When we came home I went vegetarian in some attempt to lose weight. (The moral reasons came after.) I also stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat small amounts at dinner time. Because I was vegetarian, I was able to make my own meals instead of eating my family’s greasy food. Almost everyday I ate a sandwich with smashed avocado and chickpeas in place of mayo with red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and a vegan jalapeño cheese. I wasn’t vegan at the time but I wanted to cut out some fats so I didn’t eat very much dairy. In two months I went from 135 to 108.

I started school again that September (14 years old). My classmates were shocked at my size. My xs yoga pants were a little baggy. My ex boyfriend asked me if I was sick. Like seriously sick. He thought I had cancer.

I didn’t like looking sick but I did like being skinny. I made it a goal to slowly put some weight on. It took me 6 months to get to 112 lbs and I stayed there for about two years. During this time I still didn’t eat breakfast, I only ate lunch like 2x a week. For dinner I lived off of mac n cheese and blueberry waffles. If I ate too much and felt guilty, I puked. All of my lunch money went to weed, booze, and shrooms (16 years old). Blueberry waffles were my munchies. Then I got caught with weed in my moms house. I got in a lot of trouble and wasn’t allowed to be home alone. I started to eat more fruits which then made me put on more weight but I didn’t try to stop it. I wasn’t happy about it but I just managed it. I maintained 125 for a while. My parents made me go to the gym with them 6 days a week because they wouldn’t leave me at home. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours 6 days a week. 3 days a week I also did an hour long yoga class before my workout. My weight dropped to 118 but I was very toned and thin. I looked great.

When they finally let me be alone after 9 months of being grounded, I started smoking cigarettes. When I didn’t have them, I ate a ton. They curbed my appetite. (My weight went back up to 125.)Every morning before school I made myself an iced coffee and left my house with enough time for me to drive around for 20-30 minutes before school so I could smoke and just relax. That stopped when I totaled my car doing exactly that (17 years old).

I had just started dating my (current) boyfriend a month before. Within a year I gained 30 pounds. I went back to eating meat and we ate A LOT of junk food. In year two I gained another 30 pounds before I really noticed how big I’d gotten. One day I weighed myself and saw I was now 186 lbs. Holy shit how did that happen? That was December of 2017 (19 years old).

I knew I needed to lose weight but I was terrified I’d relapse into my eating disorders so I put it off. Finally after 3 months, I decided I’d try but I knew I needed to be very careful so I didn’t slip. I lost 10 pounds. Then I went to visit my family in Cali again and literally ALL they cooked all two weeks was fried food. I ate everything in moderation but still felt like shit. When I came back home after 16 days, I had gained 6 lbs back. I gave up.

From March to September of 2018 I tried SO many diets. None of them worked well enough for me. All of my friends were encouraging me to lose weight but didn’t understand how dangerous that was, even though I told them all about my past. After failing to lose weight so many times I started to feel like maybe there was something else going on. My thyroid gland was swollen so I started to think maybe it just couldn’t happen for me and gave up. In October I was at my grandparents house and decided to step on the scale. I was 184 lbs. FUCK! Why did I let myself get back here?!

The next two days while I was there I ate around 800 cals and logged them all. The rest of the week, under 600 cals. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that weight anymore so I just gave in. In one week I dropped 6 lbs. It was mostly water weight. After that first week I maintained for 10 days and that really fucked me up. The next week I dropped another 3 lbs and thought my plateau was over. Nope, there it goes again for 7 days. Since then I’ve been losing in 1 lb incriminates every 3-4 days. I now switch up my calorie intake. Monday’s and Tuesday’s I eat around 1,000-1,200 and the rest of the week I eat under 800. Wednesday’s are kinda hard for me for a lot of reasons so I pretty much always go over on Wednesday’s ):

Sunday night of this week I started a fast. I was aiming for 24 hours but by the time I knew it, I was at 36. So I thought I’d try to stretch it to 48. Tuesday morning I woke up in a sweat because I couldn’t figure out how to lie to my boyfriend about not eating that day. We always go out to eat on tuesdays. I spent 6 hours curled in a ball on the couch panicking waiting for him to wake up. Then when we left, he kept asking if I was okay because I wouldn’t make eye contact and I seemed off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to stop the war in my head about breaking my fast at 40 hours. I felt like such a failure but I knew if I didn’t break it, he’d catch on.

Yesterday, I ate a low calorie breakfast and an hour later binged on a bunch of junk. 15 minutes later I felt like shit about myself and saw a photo of 5 lbs of fat and ran to the bathroom to puke. I don’t want that. Why’d I binge? I ate 800 calories in 10 minutes. Wtf. So I purged until it physically hurt to do it anymore. I’m sure I didn’t get it all though. I felt so much better. About 6 hours later, I had dinner and then binged AGAIN. So I immediately said I was going to take a shower and turned on the water and purged again. I tried to be quiet but I couldn’t so I had to stop halfway through. I feel like shit because I couldn’t even do that right.

When I got out of the shower he asked me “were you coughing up a lung in there?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah every now and then I heard *makes choking noise* and thought dang I hope she’s not getting sick in there”

I couldn’t look him in the eye and I got in bed. I feel so shitty about lying.

Now I’m afraid to eat anywhere other than home in case I feel the urge to throw up. I don’t want to deal with bulimia again. Anorexia is bad enough as it is. My relapse yesterday is really fucking me up. Puking isn’t fun and it doesn’t feel good but it felt good to lose control for a minute and then rid my body of it. It made me feel like I gained back some control.

But now I’m scared to eat anything simply because I don’t want to make myself feel guilty and purge. I don’t know what to do.

Also, it’s pretty fucking sad I’ve been dealing with this off and on and at different extremes since I was 13 years old. I’m fucking 20 now. I thought I recovered in late high school but looking back, I’m not sure I did...

#ana #anorexia #mia #bulimia #eating disorders #ednoz #thinspo #weightloss #binge #purge #restricting #don't binge #anorexic #bulimic

[thesportssoundoff]

DWCS Season 3, Week 2 Preview Primer

Contract totals thus far:

Signed:

1 HW

1 MW

Victor Reyna (10-3, 32 years old, Pro since 2012) vs Miguel Baeza (6-0, 26 years old, Pro since 2015) Welterweights

Victor Reyna Where He Fight At? Like a lot of dudes from Texas, Reyna has pretty much stuck to that region of the United States. He fought a few times in Legacy Fighting Championship and has been primarily fighting for Combates Americas as they've undergone a bit of a growth spurt since 2017. Who’d He Ever Beat? Evan Cutts has some MMA name panache I suppose. Cutts was a part of Bellator's attempt to make a TUF and he's also known as the dude who ended Reagan Penn's brief pro MMA career. He also has a win over Daniel Rodriguez; a then undefeated fighter who has an 8-1 record and a few Bellator appearances. He's even got a key loss on his resume vs Kevin Holland. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? Reyna's fought A LOT of guys who fight quite a bit and so his record of opposition is 80-40. That's pretty damn solid! TUF veteran Marc Stevens was 20-10 when they fought (also Reyna's last loss) as well as 4-0 Kevin Holland, 6-2 Evan Cutts and 6-1 Andrew Parker. Reyna's last fight was against 16-10 Heyward Charles. Why Is He Here? Well he's the beneficiary of an injury!  Fortis MMA's Ramiz Brahimaj got hurt and on 10 days notice, Victor Reyna gets the call up. Reyna has bounced between 170 and 185 lbs a lot in his career so I'm a touch concerned about the chances he makes weight on short notice (although on some of these fights, he weighed as low as 174 lbs). Reyna is here because they needed a Contenders Series main event and he was available. About it. This doesn't mean he CAN'T  get a deal! It just feels more like a case of needing a guy on short notice and having the right number to the right matchmaker or so on so so forth. Reyna's interesting in that he kind of embodies the prototypical MMA prospect tester on the regional scene.

Miguel Baeza Where He Fight At? Florida and only Florida. Places like Fight Time and Titan FC adorn the short resume of Mr. Baeza. Who’d He Ever Beat? Nobody of note! At 6-0 and fighting primarily out of Florida, Miguel's pretty limited in his opposition. The most interesting/insightful factoid is that he holds wins over a pair of brothers in Florida (Gus and Mike D'Angelo). Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 14-10 is the record of Baeza's six opponents at the time of their fights. Gus D'Angelo was 2-2 and Mike D'Angelo was 3-2 when they fought. 5-2 Leo Valdivia is probably his best record opponent who he beat by split decision. Why Is He Here? Baeza was originally supposed to face Fortis MMA's Ramiz Brahimaj in what feels like one of those DWCS fights that's name prospect from region A vs name prospect from region B and whomever wins gets a contract a la Austin Tweedy vs Te Edwards. Baeza has limited footage out there on the interwebs but from what I've seen; he fits the Contender Series model. He's an athlete young guy who seems to hit really hard or at least hard enough to overcome his sometimes apparent flaws. He also fights with an air of composure about him and being composed and knocking people out gets Dana White excited.

Alton Cunningham (7-1, 26 years old, Pro since 2017) vs Tony Johnson (7-2, 32 years old, Pro since 2007) Light Heavyweights

Alton Cunningham Where He Fight At? Alton Cunningham is a former DWCS guy! He fought last season vs Bevon Lewis. Beyond that? Cunningham has a few LFA cameos and a Pure FC spot or two (a developing little regional promotion in Wisconsin). Who’d He Ever Beat? Nobody of note. Cunningham's toughest opponent was the aforementioned Bevon Lewis who he was finished by in the first round. He's beaten a few fighters with winning records but nobody you've heard of beyond that. The most interesting bit of Cunningham's record is that his last four fights have been at LHW, MW and HW. Dude's been all over the damn map so far. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 54-39-3. Is that good? Bad? I'm kind of not even entirely sure. The undefeated Bevon Lewis at 5-0, 16-27 BJ Lacy and 4-1 Eric Murray Jr in his last fight at LFA are pretty much his best opposition. Why Is He Here? Well there are a few things I suppose. For starters, he's an under 30 guy at 205 lbs. That on its own gives him a secondary chance at the Contenders Series. Most of the guys who get second shots on the Contenders Series are fellas who fight at the bigger weight classes because need trumps value sometimes. Cunningham's also a pretty solid regional prospect at LHW which adds to his value. He's also, when he's on, a really good action fighter. Alton Cunningham struggled with the power of Bevon Lewis which is horrifying since Lewis is a natural 185-er and Cunningham is a big dude 205 lber but all sins can be forgiven I suppose. They literally found a dude who fought twice since 2015 to fight him in hopes he'd get a win. Cunningham is here because there just aren't a bunch of dudes like him here.

Tony Johnson Where He Fight At? Tony Johnson has been boxing and doing BKB stuff more than he has been doing any sort of MMA. Case in point, Johnson has STRIKEFORCE (and not the version of it most of us are familiar with) on it. The headliner for the Stikeforce card he fought on? Babalu Sobral vs Bobby Southworth. He did fight on a Bellator card in 2018. Who’d He Ever Beat? Justin Baseman in 2013 (!!!) is a pretty quality win from a regional perspective. Johnson also fought Clifford Starks and lost back in 2011. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 31-25. His two losses are a combined 12-2 which means his victories are 19-23. Not a very pretty record. Why Is He Here? I'm not entirely sure? I hate to be negative when it comes to stuff like this but Tony Johnson is 36 years old, has fought infrequently since 2007 and has more highlights of his exploits in boxing than he does in MMA. I cannot believe anything other than "Tony Johnson is just here to get finished by Alton Cunningham so Alton gets a deal." Fine if so but this still feels awfully transparent. Maybe I'm wrong though and Tony Johnson is here to pull off an upset. He's a guy who has fought for over 10 years in various sports and Cunningham was rocked and hurt by a MW.

Zach Zane (12-7, 29 years old, Pro since 2015) vs Justin Gonzales (9-1, 28 years old, Pro since 2016) Featherweights

Zach Zane Where He Fight At? ALASKA FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIP, BABY. I'll never not be amused when somebody from AFC winds up on a UFC platform. Zane's fought primarily in Hawaii, California and other Northwestern states but has reinvented himself fighting dudes down in Alaska. Who’d He Ever Beat? Decky Dalton is probably the best win to report; an Irish dude who fought primarily out of BAMMA. Zane's got some reputable losses though! Former DWCS fighter Joey Gomez (lost a split decision to Kevin Aguilar), former UFC fighter Chris Avila (the Diaz Bros training partner dude) and undefeated AFC fighter Nick Novelli are some of his seven losses. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 56-36 would be the record of opposition at the time Zach Zane's opponents fought him. Zane is currently riding an eight fight winning streak and of those wins, his opponents were a combined 16-10. So if you want to get even MORE math-y, you remove the eight fight winning streak with the opponents at 16-10 and focus just on his 4-7 record prior to the winning streak and his strength of competition THEN was 40-26. Why Is He Here? On paper a dude with a 12-7 record who is about to hit 30 isn't exactly DWCS worthy. Dig deeper though and you're talking about a guy who has an 8 fight winning streak with all 8 fights coming by way of some form of stoppage. Kane has also been fighting across four different weight classes across 145, 150 at a catchweight, 155 and a short notice call up for 170 lbs. If the big goal of the Contenders Series is to collect raw athletic dudes with upside then I'd argue it's secondary hits should be experienced dudes fighting out of nowhere who are lost in the cracks. He also has sort of fixed his career while spending more time at Blackhouse MMA. He also just sort of looks like the kind of guy who the Contenders Series would look; a reckless striker who attacks subs consistently in grappling situations. Also of note is One FC signed him and was going to use him but he fell out on them at the last minute and I guess they just axed that deal right away.

Justin Gonzales Where He Fight At? Justin Gonzales has fought out of one place every single time. He's fought at SCL; a promotion that's held over 70 events in Colorado. Big fan of the name Sparta Combat League. Who’d He Ever Beat? The resume is actually pretty damn good for regional MMA. Gonzales has wins over then undefeated Derek Brenon (who was making some noise with CFFC and LFA), 8-1 Bruno Ferreia and Combates veteran and then undefeated Enrique Gonazles. Throw in regional veteran Drew Brookenshire at 18-8 and there's damn good competition here. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 54-15 is what Justin Gonzales has faced in his undefeated career. Again among those were 18-8 Drew Brookenshire, 6-0 Derek Brennon and 3-0 Enrique Gonazales. His last fight out with a win over 8-1 Bruno Ferreira. Why Is He Here? He's the kind of guy who should be here. Justin Gonzales is an undefeated high level wrestler who has finishing chops on the feet and on the ground. He fights at a weight class of power where the top talent really does shine through. He's here because if you made a show LIKE this, you'd want a guy LIKE this on it. Gonzales IMO is the one dude who is a near lock to get signed if he wins.

Michael Lombardo (8-1, 29 years old, pro since 2016) vs Kyle Daukaus (6-0, 26 years old, pro since 2017) Middleweights

Michael Lombardo Where He Fight At? An ATT guy and a Florida native, I suppose it's no surprise Lombardo fights primarily in Florida and Louisiana. He made a few appearances in Titan FC and also pinch hit at a Bellator card too. Not the world's worst places to ply your craft. Who’d He Ever Beat? A whole lot of fluff. There's nobody here you'd know of but who he could've fought (Punahele Soriano) is the most interesting bit of the resume. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 25-25-1. Lombardo's strength of schedule is not exactly his strong suit and that kind of record speaks to it. His best opponent is 6-3 David Mundell who he lost to decision against. Why Is He Here? Gym, record and weight class! Lombardo is an under 30 middleweight as the division is undergoing a bit of a renaissance in the UFC. He trains with ATT and so you know the good word has probably been put in a time or two. He's 8-1 and comes into this fight with five straight wins and four of those before the final bell. Lombardo's got some fights out there on youtube and he doesn't really strike me as anything but a middleweight-y type fighter. He's big on takedowns, he clinches a lot, he's a brawler in space and he tends to fight in spurts. He's not a bad fighter and we've seen middleweights find homes  in the UFC before and stick around with that kind of style. Just not sure if THAT gets him signed.

Kyle Daukaus Where He Fight At? CFFC and ROC! Those are really good regional promotions on the East Coast. Who’d He Ever Beat? Daukaus enters the UFC with pretty much much the best win of any Contenders Series guy so far; Jonavin Webb. Webb is a former UFC flame out but a pretty high level East Coast fighter well worthy of starring off on a resume. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 27-12 is the record of opposition for Kyle Daukaus. The fact that Webb was 12-2 when they fought means that his opposition outside of the toughest fight of his career is a not too pretty 15-10. Still not entirely awful. Why Is He Here? Beating a UFC veteran can/should always make you somebody of note to promoters and matchmakers. Jonavin Webb is a super reputable high level win worthy of flexing about. The fact that he's a fight finisher who hasn't seen the judges in his career and fights at 185 lbs makes him all the more intriguing.

Richie Santiago (7-1, 26 years old, Pro since 2016) vs Miles Johns (8-0, 25 years old, Pro since 2014) Bantamweights

Richie Santiago Where He Fight At? CES MMA. The former home of BATISTA has become a pretty reputable East Coast regional organization that's churned out Contenders Series guys and  quality fighters. Who’d He Ever Beat? NOBODY! I guess his best win is Billy Giovanella who had a few Bellator appearances in 2015. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 31-32-2. His record of opposition is not exactly going to get mounted on anybody's wall. It's somewhat skewered by a very rough opening to his career (his first four opponents were a combined 8-17). His pro loss was to a 3-2 fighter. It also was last year so it's like it happened in the deep past. Why Is He Here? Well for starters, watching Santiago suggests that he's not a bad fighter and the sort of dude the UFC SHOULD have an eye on. Maybe it's the face and the bald-ish head but dude reminds me a lot of Eddie Alvarez from an offensive standpoint. I've seen him hurt, rocked and then rally back with some surprisingly crisp striking. His big performance is an LFA fight where he got hurt a bunch, wobbled a few times, landed a big knee and then scored a RNC sub almost within the blink of an eye. He also is a part time flyweight as well which sort of gives him a leg up if that division is going to stick around.

Miles Johns

Where He Fight At? LFA mostly. He's the current LFA bantamweight champion to be exact. Who’d He Ever Beat? A lot of really great fighters on the regional circuit. Wins over Levi Mowles, Adrian Yanez and Caio Machado may not be super big wins or the kind of stuff that gets you shuttled up to the UFC but they're impressive enough that his DWCS spot almost feels a little unncessary. Win an LFA belt and you get into the UFC; thems the rules. Record Of Opposition At The Time Of Their Fight? 40-12 would be the record of opposition for Miles Johns. Wins over 11-3 Caio Machado, 7-2 Adrian Yanez and 6-2 Levi Mowles stand out big time.   Why Is He Here? I mean the Contenders Series really should be based around THESE sorts of fights. Two guys with pretty records on paper, both big deals of their respective universes, fighting for a contract. Johns is clearly ahead of the curve though vs Santiago. Primarily or namely speaking, Johns trains with an elite gym (Fortis MMA is DWCS royalty at this point), he fights with the bigger org and he's fought the better competition. He also has the sort of style I can see Dana liking a lot. He's here because he belongs here.

"Who Might Get A Contract?" Rankings

1- Alton Cunningham 2- Kyle Daukaus 3- Michael Lombardo 4- Miles Johns 5- Justin Gonzales 6- Miguel Baeza 7- Zach Zane 8- Richie Santiago 9- Tony Johnson 10- Victor Reyna

#MMA #UFC #DWCS #Contracts #Fights

[love-advice-on-call]

how do you try to get past the whole body dysphoria feeling? i’ve been recently trying to lose weight by working out like doing crunches, squats, lunges, pushups - really anything, and i feel like i am making no progress. my abs are probably slowly being made and that’s nice but i feel like my legs are getting fatter and not slimming down. it’s probably all in my head but i don’t know. 😪

This is a good question.  Now, I could sit here all day and say “love yourself and the skin you’re in, you’re beautiful” and although that stuff is all true, I think a more proactive and effective approach in getting over that feeling comes down to practicing body positivity techniques.  

One thing you can do is “doll yourself up” and try taking more selfies.  Just the whole process of seeing yourself from a third person and appreciating what you look like and who you are really helps as far as getting comfortable in your body.  

Another solution is to wear less clothes.  I know that sounds like dumb advice but it’s more of a “face your fears approach” and I know it worked for a lot of people who I swam with when I was younger (including me).  Literally, if you start swimming or just put yourself in a position where more of your body type is more visible to others, it really makes you feel more confident and flaunt how you look.  If you’re not swimming then maybe try going to the gym in something tighter or wear tighter clothes when you’re going out.  At the same time, stop looking in the mirror and critiquing yourself.  

Also, don’t compare yourself to other people, especially Instagram models.  Their photos are all post production and not even close to reality.  Trust me, I’ve seen a couple in-person before (no offense to Instagram models).  

Since you mentioned working out, I’d like to take a moment and give you some more detail on working out and how it affects your weight. I’m a guy and I used to weigh 190 lbs (~86 kgs) at my heaviest and I dropped down to 155 (~70 kgs) at 5′10′’ (178 cm) in highschool.  

You have two methods when losing weight and gaining muscle.  

Lose fat first and then gain muscle, or both lose fat and gain muscle at the same time.  

It sounds like you’re doing the latter but which method you choose is up to you.  

If you want more immediate weight loss results then just focus on dieting and cardio to simply lose weight and not be concerned with muscle.  

If you want toboth lose fat and gain muscle at the same time, then keep up what you’re doing along with dieting.  Gaining muscle will make you appear to lose weight more slowly because you are putting on the extra muscle after all. 

Dieting is super important and about 80% of losing weight.  I’m not saying develop an eating disorder.  You always need to eat 3 meals a day in order to stay healthy.  Don’t try a crazy gimmicky diet, all i’m saying is that instead of eating until you are full or stuffed, just eat till you are satisfied.  That simple.  Seek help from a nutritionist if you want more info.

Also, everyone loses weight differently.  Contrary to popular belief, doing exercises for a certain muscle group wont make you lose fat there.  For example, doing squats wont actually cause you to lose leg fat, it will primarily make you gain muscle for your legs.  So i’m thinking that no it’s not in your head, this is why you’ve noticed your legs getting “fatter”.  Its not fat you’re gaining, its leg muscle.  You can do a hundred squats tomorrow but end up loosing some weight on your arms instead and get bigger thighs.  

Fat loss is purely genetics and very wonky.  It’s just how you’re born and you have no control over it so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not getting the results you wanted, beat up your parents instead.  There can be two people both weighing the same, both having identical bodies, and performing the same weight loss program.  By the end of four weeks, one of them would have loss 20 lbs and their abs starting to show, the other would have lost only 15 lbs and their arms look a little thinner.   Everyone loses fat around their body in different ways so all you can do is try your best by keeping on dieting and excising. I recommend you do more research on weight loss, I think you will benefit more from excising if you learn more about different exercises. 

You should be very proud of yourself that you are taking initiative to lose weight, its not an easy thing to do and I guarantee you, you will feel fantastic when you reach your target.  I wish you the best and feel free to write in again if you have anymore questions.

Posted April 21, 2018

#advice

[thehautegoddess]

three ways a goddess nourishes her body

i have talked a lot about how i was impacted by the government shutdown and realized recently one especially unpleasant side effect of the experience– weight gain! in general, i have always maintained a healthy weight, largely due to my eating habits. for the most part, i was VERY disciplined at work. i would usually bring in my own home cooked meals of protein and veggies, and if i had to purchase lunch at work i would usually get a salad. i always attributed this one habit to ability to stay somewhat fit, since we spend so much of our time at work. i had not been working out regularly before the shutdown – i went on vacation at the beginning of December, and then of course, the holidays are not the easiest time to maintain good eating and workout habits. i also had a habit of not weighing myself – i do not think i had weighed myself in at least a year (i turn my back when i go to the doctor and ask them not to tell me…i do not need that negativity in my life #keepyourvibrationhigh 😊). i wear a lot of #dvf wrap dresses, and they flatter all body types, so i still looked fine, but lawd knows...things were-a-changing. nonetheless, while laying in my bed, binging on #GOT and ordering &pizza from #ubereats for 35 days straight, things took a turn. i looked up and i was a full 15 lbs heavier than i thought i was! i had notice that my clothes were fitting differently, but i was literally one ham sandwich away from not being able to fit them at all. so i had two options – buy a whole new wardrobe or start nourishing my body properly. and i know that a goddess must nourish her body. so here are the three ways i have committed to treating my temple with love and respect:

working out is no longer an option, it is a lifestyle. i am blessed to have a very inexpensive gym in my office building, so it is my commitment to go every morning i work. i only have 30 minutes to work out, but this type of consistency will go a long way. i also love to take walks and commit to taking at least two 3-5-mile walks/week. there will be no more scrambling to prepare for beach trips and special events…if you stay ready you never have to get ready 😊 but beside the aesthetics, the health benefits are invaluable. health is truly wealth, and i want to be in the best shape possible to enjoy all the wonderful blessings the universe has in store!

minimize the junk food. i am no longer 20 and the ramifications of daily &pizza and chips are simply no longer worth it. i want to feed my body healthy, living food that gives me energy. eating junk ultimately makes me feel guilty and frustrated by the consequences…no ma’am, pam. this goddess is in control of her life and needs to keep it right and tight and is invested in doing the work necessary to achieve her goals. an occasional bag of chips is one thing, but a sleeve of cookies, is a no-no, my love. one way i learned healthy eating habits is through the #17daydiet. i utilize this meal plan whenever i need to jumpstart a weight loss, but I also try to live by the general principles (no sugar after 2pm, two servings of probiotics and fruit daily, plenty of veggies and protein for lunch and dinner). it is very effective and i highly recommend it.

hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! i try to drink a gallon of water every weekday (again, i have great habits at work…), and i also drink tea with every meal. i like @thinteadetoxtea and good old-fashioned green tea. i notice the difference in my skin when i am properly hydrated. and again, the health benefits are even better because you are constantly flushing your system and removing toxins and eliminating waste.

a goddess knows she will sometimes have to course correct and that is ok! take responsibility, get back up and take the necessary steps to attain whatever it is you want. after only 10 days of focus i have lost six lbs and can see a drastic difference in how i feel and look in my clothes. i am not as concerned about my actual weight as much as I really want to reclaim a healthy lifestyle again – it feels amazing! it is our responsibility to our loved ones to make good choices about the way we honor our temple. we want to do as much as we can to ensure we are around as long as possible to love, learn, grow, and laugh! go love on that beautiful body of yours, my love! you can do it!

meditation moment: are you honoring your body? think of one thing you can do tomorrow to improve and set the intention to stick with it for one week.

let’s discuss – log in to disqus to comment! you are a goddess – love yourself! now go do your work 😊 until next time

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

#myposts #depression #depressing thoughts #anxiety #ravings of a madman #wes #wesley #yeah this is about you sorry for being so shitty #really really hoping you're not going to read this #really hope you don't have notifications on or something #hope you just don't #at the very least #don't fucking say anything to my mom #k cool #I am trash #personal #personal thoughts #bye

[daminwayne]

I love being part of the fitness community on instagram and tumblr but honestly sometimes it just gets. tiring??? 

like on the one hand, don’t calorie count!! eat healthy foods and avoid processed foods and exercise!!! don’t  be obsessive!!

but then, did you know that those healthy foods actually have a lot of calories? so which is better, this fast food option or this “healthy” fast food option? weight loss is about calories––even if you eat healthy then you won’t lose weight if you don’t have a calorie deficit.

which lead to me feeling guilty when I calorie count because I haven’t lost any weight on a 1200 cal diet or a 1300/1400 cal diet (like the dietician recommended) BUT when I don’t calorie count everything I feel guilty because what if I ate too many calories that I didn’t realize?? (despite KNOWING the rough amnt of calories for it because I weigh it)???

and then you see people doing keto and succeeding, but my profs––literal scientists and MDs––told us that the diet was dangerous. 

oh and don’t forget the vegans who treat veganism as healthy lifestyle fitness sunshine & flowers and forget that it’s about not eating animal products sometimes? I’ve seen vegan pages guilt people into “you’re not losing weight because you’re not vegan” but guess what even as a vegan I could eat 3000 calories if I wanted to have salads with beans and oily dressing and greek yogurt and carbtastic foods like....

anyways I’m just so tired I want to be healthy but my weight loss is going to hell (I gained 10 lbs in 3 months despite eating and working out in a way that should have led to me losing AT LEAST 1lb a week. And no, my thyroid levels are fine, and I had already lost 55lbs so I know a LOT about the weight loss journey and it’s really getting to me that I can’t lose those last fucking 20lbs.)

#delete later #fitness cw #diet cw