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mars-ipan · 6 months

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overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

#marzi speaks #this post has no point. i am simply thinking out loud #i think understanding the root of where the anxiety comes from helps a lot too #like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control #she doesn't like situations in which she can't control how she responds or what happens when she does #it makes her feel helpless. and that's how her GAD affects her #it's also why her fear response is 'fight'- she stress-cleans and expresses authority because those are things she can control #it's a self-soothing technique #but for me it's different. i'm most at ease when i know where i am and what's going on #this could be for plenty of reasons. i'm bad at directions and time blind so i feel lost easily #i had to learn to do a lot of things by myself growing up because my brother needed a bit of extra attention #my parents used to sometimes forget to tell me about things- i wouldn't know we were going somewhere until they asked me if i was ready #or even just that i was always surrounded by so much information and i love learning with my whole heart #when i can't know what will happen next or why something's happening in the first place i get disoriented and frightened #i don't need to have a say in what will happen. i just need to know. then i can roll with the punches #this is why MY fear responses are flight and freeze #i self-isolate because i know environments like my room and my mind #other people are unpredictable. i know what i will do #i like puzzles because they're something i can learn and figure out. once i understand it's a matter of patterns #and they take my mind off of the unknown i'm worried about #my mom will engage in a lot of conflict behavior. i engage in a lot of avoidant behavior #yes this caused arguments growing up lmao. i'd be freaking out abt smth and she'd be confused as to why i wasn't just going and fixing it #or she'd be freaking out abt smth and i'd be confused as to why she didn't try to just get all the facts #but we're better communicators abt that now teehee #it's interesting though. we have the same illness (generalized anxiety disorder) and are similar in a lot of ways #but because our root fears are different our responses to them are different #this could also be learned #my mom grew up poor and didn't get to do a lot- she worked her ass off to have financial freedom #i grew up comfortable with every question i asked entertained by two very smart parents. when a question can't be answered i feel dissonant #it's probably a bit of both in some cyclical manner. still nifty to think about

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sysig · 23 days

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VUXisms (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Or if you prefer my very Normal Collection of ZEX stimming lol #I'm not choosing to read alien behaviours through a neurodivergent lense you can't prove anything #Okay you got me yes I am lol - in conjunction with my ADHD Max HC (which I am only more convinced of lol) I went into this with #Really any kind of self-soothing behaviour fascinates me :D And ZEX definitely needs the soothing ;;#But it's not just the stimming! Though I did keep pretty diligent notes about that lol he's deeply interesting to me!#He's a texture person! Part of that is due to being VUX and having very processed food but if it fits it fits!#I'm also a texture person - again I have too many notes relating to ZEX lol #I also find it charming (or sad - whichever is applicable at the time!) when ZEX eats in ''odd'' ways haha ♪#Eating without utensils - you can always just wash your hands you do you <3 #The weighted blanket lol so - I had a very normal and measured reaction to ZEX enjoying full-body pressure lol #Solely and purely intellectual! Of course! VUX enjoy swimming! Full-body pressure makes complete sense!#And he's a tactile person on top of that - pressure good for multiple reasons! I really do think he'd sleep better with a weighted blanket ♪#Back to stimming! I really loved the scene of him opening the water bottle and his therapist being So Impatient with him about it lol #Let him figure it out! He's very intelligent! Very skilled at finding weak points and exploiting them hehe <3 #But then he runs his finger on the lip of the bottle! Wine-glassing it while he talks hehe <3 I love him #Humming!! Another stim I relate to! Not so much now since it was ''encouraged'' out of me so I may be doubly biased towards him using it hee #Too delighted to focus on utensil lessons and yet he's still clever enough to pay attention to multiple things at once hehehe ♫#And then aside from his actual biggest stim he plays with his hair quite a lot - in various ways and to different ends :D #Running his hands through it to self-soothe or tugging on it to express - I kinda read it as him trying to move his head feelers around haha #Not quite the same but something!#Oh and then his biggest stim - just looking at humans lol it is very dopamine-delivering <3 And he has dopamine now! Very powerful :3c #Hhhhh human chemistry for VUX behaviours <3 It's so interesting to me hehe ♪

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waywardsalt · 2 months

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ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great

#this was gonna be like. a jokey post at first juxtaposing oshus’ expectations vs reality with linebeck but im too emotionally drained #so real linebeck talk in the tags bc idk if ive actually talked much abt like. the specific as on why. iwrite and see him the way i do #likr. off the bat i put him at like 19 in ph and im too fucking tired and just. done rn to justify that like whatever kill me if you wish.#like. hes. been throught a lit hes been abused neglected used ignored hurt ridiculed violated deceived hes so fucking tired #hes worn down over the course of ph it causes him to finally like. express his anguish over what hes been theough its cathartic #hes getting pushed but talking to oshus and being around link loosens him up and he fucking. cries properly yknow #he cries about everything and the last bit of ph hes kind of an emotional wreck but hes finally letting himself feel all that shit #he cries he struggles to articulate himself he has a violent public meltdown as he becomes fed up with his reputation #and it all culminates in bellumbeck just. being a really raw examination of what hes been through and how he feels and what to do now #he hates people he has people he wants to kill people he wanted to kill but after bellumbeck its just. hes tired. hes processed everythjng #and then he needs the post ph crew and everyone they meet along the way to just. be a fucking support system for the first time ever #like post ph hes rhe captain he runs the ship he keeps everyone in line he can do that. but hes softer more vulnerable more self doubting #hes kinder and more hesitant but trying new things and being more openly passionate abt his interests #and he keeps working through his trauma he finds out what else it causes problems for and everyone. supports him #hes not capable of like. being any kind of parental figure to link in ph his perspective on like. how to handle kids is fucked #because his perspective on what a normal childhood should look like is kind of a mess #his perspective on relationships is murky on love on adventure on self expression but post ph hes just. free. tired but free #he manages to take naps the group helps him eat properly he learns his physical boundaries and actually does what he loves #idk. im just. man idk. its still measy but like. my version of linebeck is. i really hate the idea that its so out of character its not him #like. idfk what to even say abt that. idfk what ‘in character’ looks like when you hc a character to be masking in canon #when you hc them to be lying and covering things up and just. subdued bc theyre working on stuff #that they lie and exaggerate their own traits on purpose but let the truth through some cracks like what rhe fuck then #i hate it bc i dont see anyone else think of linebeck anything like this so im scared im fucking wrong somehow #im tired. i recently learned that one of my cats has been burrowing under and chilling under a blanket we cover a couch with #its very cute

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iridescentoracle · 7 months

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@eglerieth replied to your post: Hello! I am here to ask about your Dior headcanons…

What’s your Galadriel headcanon?

Oh man, I didn’t see this!! Thank you for asking, i fully did not expect anyone to actually get far enough into the Dior post to see that let alone actually want to know. Sorry I’m two days late!

So! What we know about Galadriel in the Silmarillion:

She hated Fëanor but thought being a queen sounded pretty sweet/desired power

She’s named as one of the leaders of the Noldor across the Helcaraxë

Instead of founding her own kingdom (like she’d explicitly originally wanted) or moving in with her brother she got married and stayed in Doriath and learned a lot from Melian

Eventually Melian was like “hey so you should explain the weird ominous evil metaphysical cloud i can see hanging over the Noldor so i can explain about it to my husband bc he should really learn about whatever happened before it blows up in everybody’s faces” and Galadriel was like “yeah he probably should but i’m not telling”

At some point Galadriel asked Finrod why he wasn’t married yet

One time Melian casually foreshadowed Beren’s existence to Galadriel, who has no recorded response

That’s it. That’s literally all we know about what she was up to. She was super jazzed about the prospect of Ruling A Kingdom and then made friends with a queen and learned a bunch from her and… was still alive after the War of Wrath, and in between we have nothing.

We don’t know how she survived the Second Kinslaying, we can assume she made it to the Havens of Sirion but don’t know how she survived the Third Kinslaying let alone what she did/where she went after that… we don’t know what her reaction was to the death of her only remaining family member in Middle-earth, for which her cousins and the great-uncle in whose kingdom she lived were both partially responsible…

Like, that's weird, right? Galadriel is firmly established as someone bold and interested in being a ruler and stubborn as all get out, and then she… does nothing and everybody seems to forget she exists for several hundred years and some major political upheavals that should have personally affected her? It's not just me? That's really weird?

So, my Galadriel headcanon is that she’s inexplicably absent for most of the Quenta Silmarillion because she was deliberately erased/left out by the scribes writing things down because there was no way to acknowledge her presence in Doriath during and after Beren & Lúthien’s whole everything without getting into the messiest bit of Sindar-Noldor political tension that didn’t involve the Fëanorioni, because (again, headcanon) Galadriel Did Not Respond Well to her uncle getting her brother killed as a side effect of trying to get her cousin’s boyfriend killed and there was A Lot Of Tension for a while there (when you’ve got that kind of interpersonal tension between people who are both essentially Political Figures, i figure it’s probably going to turn into political tension unless they’re both trying very very hard to avoid that and potentially even then)

…and then after Thingol’s death a few years later, I think one of the primary contenders for Next Ruler of Doriath was Galadriel “Well I Came Here For A Kingdom In The First Place” Granddaughter-of-Olwë and also her husband is related to Thingol* and Lúthien’s clearly removed herself from contention so if the Sindar want a monarch who’s actually related to the last one they both qualify, it’s perfect and obviously Galadriel should be the next queen of Doriath (it is not obvious to everyone)

* on a side note, Celeborn is mentioned twice in the Quenta Silm: #1, Galadriel stays in Doriath because she’s marrying a “kinsman of Thingol,” while #2, shortly after Thingol’s death, Celeborn is referred to as a “prince of Doriath.” Not actual evidence, but it sure fits in nicely!

Like I said in the Dior post, I don’t think anything ever came to outright surface-level conflict; a civil war in Doriath is not getting left out of the Silmarillion. Tension between Galadriel and Thingol, though? and then between Galadriel and [various other contenders for the throne after Thingol, potentially including Dior himself when he arrived] that had everyone a little nervous? when she didn’t become queen and did (however begrudgingly) accept that Dior was the closest thing to a consensus pick and did survive the next several thousand years only to finally wind up as functional queen of most of the remaining Sindar despite eschewing the actual title? That I can see getting diplomatically left out of the histories, and explaining why she’s completely during the parts of the story where you’d think she’d be most involved.

#eglerieth #replies #lotr #character: galadriel #the silmarillion #listen i love galadriel more than words can express but so much of what's interesting about her is her character development #we know her best from LOTR as one of the oldest wisest most powerful most respected people in all of middle-earth #and she started as this stubborn willful power-hungry kid?#it's been a long time since i first read the silmarillion but i still remember discovering that and how it blew my mind #so while i do think all of this makes sense as An explanation for her disappearance from the text #part of why it's *my* explanation of choice is that i love that that's where she started and i think it's a shame we don't get to see more #of first age galadriel being this complicated messy figure who makes her third age self look all the more amazing #bc how the hell did she get there from here #so it works out so nicely if part of the reason we don't know more about early galadriel being Complicated™...#is just how Complicated™ early galadriel was #anyway the main thing i have realized in writing this & the dior post is holy shit i think about the silmarillion too much #i have. so many thoughts and opinions that i have never discussed with anyone and i don't even know what i actually need to explain #/what facts & opinions i need to establish as context for the stuff i'm actually trying to talk about #guessing the answer is "a whole bunch that i didn't‚ but not like half the things i *do*'' but i genuinely do not know!

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selkiecoded · 1 year

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takes a transgender beam to sumire. for the themes.

#im still fucking insane about her ive just been busy lately + playing different games #i just think itd be funny. shes suffering from comphet about it too shes like i wonder why i want to model all of my behavior after this #guy i know to the extent that my persona outfit (literally the truest expression of my Self) is nigh identical to his.#oh... i know..... i must be in love with him!!!1!11! (she will not figure this out for several more years)#the clock chimes at midnight

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notactivehereanymorebye · 2 years

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uggghhhghhhhhhh

#**** is such a sweet sweet sweetheart and i want to give him all of the love he deserves #i want to help him feel comfortable in expressing his emotions & help him figure out how to do so in his own way #it is so sad that his whole life he's been pushed further and further towards repression via increasingly horrific circumstances #like man. the guy's already fucking autistic and that makes expressing emotions in a way people get hard enough #but his life has just really been him against a world that couldn't give less of a shit how he feels #god. i fucking hate ***** he is such a stupid fucking bitch and i hate him for what he put **** through same goes for *****.#**** cannot catch a break i swear #my friend and i just finished an episode and he was in such. a bad state. i don't like seeing him outwardly panic #it's so rare that it just makes it hurt so much more because it takes a lot to get him to that point #whatever. i want to kiss him maybe. maybe i do #maybe i just want to hold him and let him feel warm and loved and safe for once in his fucking life #margins #god this is like a shitty game of guess who that i do not want any of you to play #i need anyone who reads this shit to turn off their brains lol #Realistically i could just not publicly post this stuff but this is my self ship blog and it is for me to talk about this stuff #so that would defeat the purpose

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eric-the-bmo · 7 months

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im so transgender ive looped back around to wondering if im actually a girl

#not in like a “oh god am i faking it” way #but more of “perhaps my intense dysphoria was just a way to express my self-hatred outwards as i was suffering in college” way #and im not quite sure how to feel about my deeper voice and facial hair- bc past me wouldve genuinely loved that i think #so i dont know whats happening with my gender #and its a bit upsetting #bc really i just wanna figure out what i am #like genuinely #and if its a result of Issues or not #eric finally speaks #gender

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lunamoonbby · 2 months

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I'm just drooling over the thought of ghosts whos muscular with cut and define muscles, eating his partner's cooking for the first time and when he first eats that spoonful he tear that shit up and help himself for some more and he gains a bit of weight but he doesn't notice until soap tells him asking if he's bulking again and ghost is like no I'm already muscular and soap says something like "well your body figure says different" and thats when ghost notice the layer of fat and that he looking soft and he gets a bit self conscious and when he goes to his partners house he doesn't eat as much and reader is like do you not like what I made and he feels bad for making her think that cause all he wants to do is fuck up her food like eat straight from the pot and he expresses how he got a bit fat and his partner is like oh...i know and I love it, I can cuddle you so much better now cause I feel the squish and not pure muscle and *NSFW PART* she tells him you eat me out like a man starved you eat me out like how you be tearing into my cooking🤤🥴 and that you can still overpower me and I'm loving the size difference even more🥰🥰 *NSFW PART OVER* and Simon gets his full confidence back and he allows his partner to put a big heaping of food on his plate and he ofc fucks that shit up and when ghost sees soap again and before soap could say anything ghost is like you're just jealous that you have no one to feed you properly and soap just takes that L and say i guess I need to try the missus' food then and ghost being the greedy motherfucker he is like no and carries on with his workout routine.

@lilliumrorum

#simon ghost riley #ghost #i wanna have his babies #lunamoonbby #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley #ghost cod #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley imagine #simon ghost x reader #ghost riley #simon riley x you

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aashi-heartfilia · 5 months

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The hypocrisy of Jinshi and MaoMao

*light novel spoilers*

I just love how hypocritical MaoMao's nature is. She yells at Jinshi for being a 'Masochist' and yet we see that she's no different. Now, by definition Masochist is a person who drives sexual gratification from their own pain and humiliation, plus it relates to Jinshi's tendency to do self harm (like burning his skin with a brand)

And what is MaoMao's most favourite thing in this world?

POISON

She literally takes pleasure in consuming it and no one can convince me otherwise. Plus she uses dangerous plants and animals and snakes whatnot in the name of her so-called experiments. Her dad may call her a 'mad Scientist' but that is a direct indication of self harm.

And she calls Jinshi a Masochist.

I mean, think about it! The amount of anxiety she gives to Jinshi! She came prepared with a vomit inducing medicine but even she had no idea whether it would work or not. She was just hoping it would work in the salt chapter.

And the same goes for her hand, on which she has conducted countless experiments. One flower even burned her skin and its marks never left her skin. She said it was all for her hobby. What kind of weird hobby is that? Maybe, our little adorable mad scientist is just like that.

One brands his own skin, while the other takes heavenly pleasure in consuming poison.

So my point is, Jinshi and MaoMao are not that different as one might think they are and that's why their dynamic works so well.

Let's look at the excerpts from volume 5:

She didn’t know how long they sat that way. All she knew was that Jinshi was looking down at her with a faintly triumphant expression, as if he saw that the breath had reached every corner of her body now. He wiped away the tears that had sprung to her eyes as she struggled to breathe. It was then that Maomao felt a flash of intense anger. “I said that if you were going to kill me, you should do it with poison,” she told him. “I refuse to let you poison yourself,” Jinshi said, his fingers tracing her lips. “You can’t pretend you didn’t know that you were one of the candidates. As much as I’m sure you’d like to.” He wasn’t done, either: “Who was that man, anyway? I’m sure you’re not a dancer.” So he had been watching them! “I was just paying for my drink,” Maomao said. “It didn’t cost much.” She tried to look away, but with his hand on her head, she really couldn’t.

Jinshi just choked her and yet he refuses to let MaoMao poison herself. A lot of people misinterpret this scene, and don't like it all that much, saying it was just fanservice stuff but this is how I see it: Jinshi wasn't trying to kill MaoMao, he was just trying to make MaoMao submit to him for once (even if the way he did it was very wrong, but guess he's kinky like that). MaoMao is actively trying to harm herself and Jinshi loves MaoMao a lot, he cannot just let her kill herself.

It was more about him trying to exert his dominance in their weirdish - complicated relationship and that also backfires on him as we see in the next volume that MaoMao escapes Jinshi's grasps using Pairin's techniques.

And then they both continue to avoid each other in the entire next volume! Because they both realised that they have crossed boundaries.

They both are hypocrites.

And they both refuse to accept their feelings.

In one of the later volumes, she gives Jinshi a piece of her mind on how he should tell her everything clearly, unequivocally, what he feels, and he literally declares that "he will make her his wife", which is nice and all but look at the wording MaoMao used here....

Excerpts from LN Vol 7, chapter 19 called "A man and a woman play the game"

"You’re forever telling me I need to use my words, Master Jinshi, but are you in any position to criticize? Everything you say to me, everything you do, it’s like it’s calculated to save you from ever having to actually say what you mean! To make me figure it all out! You know, you remind me of someone. You act exactly like a man who used to come by our brothel all the time. He was in love with one of the girls, but he would never just come out and say it. He thought it should be obvious from the way he acted. He was so sure he had a good thing going with this woman that he never sent her so much as a letter. I remember how forlorn he looked when someone else swooped in and snatched her away! He kept coming to the brothel after that—to get drunk and whine to the ladies. Well, in my opinion, he could have avoided all that heartbreak if he’d told the woman how he felt. Clearly, unequivocally, so that she knew where they stood. It was the least he could have done!”

Everything came out in a torrent. She felt like she’d said it all in one breath. It was strange, she thought, to hear so many words come out of her own mouth. She was mystified. Jinshi was no less startled, but the shock soon left his face, replaced by something else. He got up off the bed and stared down at Maomao.

Shit. Now I’ve done it. She’d given him a piece of her mind, and he was about to give her one back.

“So I should be clear, should I? Unequivocal? I should say what I mean? If I did, would you actually listen to me? Is that what you’re telling me? I’m going to hold you to that! Right this minute. I’ll say it all. Don’t plug your ears—listen to me!” He grabbed her hands as she was in the process of trying to put her fingers in her ears. He took a breath. He was looking at Maomao, but somehow he seemed almost embarrassed. Finally he managed, “Now listen to me, y—I mean, Maomao! Listen close! I am going to make you my wife!”

It's one heck of a chapter and I suggest you give it a go! The title of the chapter says "A man and a woman play the game" as if to emphasize the very fact that both Jinshi and MaoMao are playing the game.

Jinshi has never confessed his true feelings before this chapter and only implied that he wanted to make MaoMao his wife.

The implications were heavy though on Jinshi's part, and as smart as MaoMao is, anyone would have guessed that MaoMao was one of the candidates for Jinshi's consort. Even the clothes she received (the ones she wore to the banquet) were also provided by Jinshi along with the hairpin. It is never stated outright but seeing as the hairpin was from Jinshi, the clothes are also implied to be the same.

More or less she's always deliberately ignoring the possibility of having anything to do with him, that is more than professional. Some may call it denial, I call it dense. Maybe, to some extent, she herself is not aware of her feelings because she never lets herself feel anything.

Even Suiren pointed it out pretty early in the manga, that maybe it's MaoMao's way of being reserved. We need to keep in mind that MaoMao is an unreliable narrator and it's more of what she does, rather than what she says that makes a difference.

Even in the chapter that I have quoted above, she had every reason to leave Jinshi, she wasn't working for him after all. But she stayed to make tea for him, even after the fact that she had a long day too. She was almost just as exhausted as Jinshi and yet she was there preparing medicinal tea, so that he could get a better sleep.

Maybe she herself is yet to realise just how deep her feelings run. Till vol 12 she seems to have accepted them, but she still is yet to acknowledge their depth. Maybe it's because of her childhood.

It's not a traumatic backstory but MaoMao had a sad childhood nonetheless....

She was raised by her grand uncle and her real father was eccentric, who scared her. Her mother must also appear to be kind of demonic to her, since she was desperate enough to cut MaoMao's Pinky finger and send it to Lahan. So it's safe to say that MaoMao never received proper parental affection. And adding to the fact that, a brothel is not exactly an ideal place for raising a child.... especially when the birth of MaoMao was the one thing that brought the brothel to its knees...even if being born wasn't her choice.

Plus MaoMao stated it herself that when she was a baby, no one would come to sooth her until their work was finished, implying that even if MaoMao and her brothel sisters are close, they are not that close. A mother's love is different and she never received it. No one can love you more than your mother and MaoMao was deprived of that. She soon realised that no one was coming. Life is hard and she has no choice but to face it!

So, she got interested in poison.

Maybe she doesn't love herself or her life as much as she says / pretends she does. She's always like "yeah, I would very much like my head to be with my body" and "if I stay low profile maybe I can survive here" etc but maybe deep down that's not the case. Maybe that's why she loves poison so much. The implications are crazy.

And to break MaoMao's shell, Jinshi has no choice but to be a bit more forceful at times? At least that's how I interpret that choking scene. Jinshi was angry at MaoMao because she deliberately suggested him to marry consort Rishu and danced with Rikuson.

Even if Jinshi never said it outright, he was giving hints the entire time.

But well the tables turned and MaoMao topped him instead, lol (vol 7) and later we even see that our little stray cat has accepted Jinshi and she's ready to be in a relationship with him (vol 12).

Plus she is intrigued by the process of birth (she wants to eat her baby's placenta, it's kind of uggghhh.... but anyways, that MaoMao we're talking about, she's just weird that way)

Maybe not after too long she'll realise that if she has to give birth, she can only have it with Jinshi and no one else.

~Sunshine

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neil-gaiman · 6 months

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Will you read this? Eh, perhaps. You're a busy man with quite a lot of asks. But there is a very human part of me that wants to say my piece because I owe you quite a bit of thanks. And I shall express this thanks with a story of my first words.

When I was 2, approaching 3, years old my parents were worried I'd never speak. The child therapist we went to - quite an old bat if you ask me, considering the stories I've heard, but what do I know I was 2 - had told them to ever give up hope of hearing my voice.

On the way back from the appointment, my Godmother - the driver of the car used to take me to the doctor - stopped by a small bookshop and took me inside so my mother could weep appropriately out of line of her child. We went inside and she told me to look around for a book for myself. She knew I loved books - wasn't sure if I was reading them or not, but knew that I at least liked looking at them and wanted to keep me occupied.

I apparently stumbled around for a while, grabbed one small book off the shelf and plopped my little arse right down and started flipping through. About fifteen minutes go by - and my mother has thoroughly cried herself dry - and my Godmother comes up to me and scoops me up with the book.

I - being the obstinate two year old that I am - refuse to let go of said book and it's only about 50 American cents so she simply buys me the book.

For the next few weeks I only carry around the book. I do not touch any of my other toys or stuffed animals, only the very small picture book. I sleep with it under my pillow, carry it around happily, flip through it every so often.

And then one unassuming day, at the dinner table - with a set of non-prepared parents - boldly yelled out my first words ever: Blueberry Girl.

Now, I'm sure you've figured out at this point of the story that the book my little self was holding was none other than your boo Blueberry Girl - and this is where my thanks comes. I have spent the last sixteen or so years since first acquiring it repeating the words to myself, asking Ladies of Light and Ladies of Darkness and Ladies of Never-You-Mind to watch over me if they could spare moments of their time. I repeat them whenever I have a difficult test, and even in the few moments right before my graduation speech of high school.

So thank you for the words that touched my little soul and stuck with me till now.

You are so very, very welcome.

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emberwhite · 3 months

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Do people judge a book by its cover? They absolutely do. They take one look at this, and they either often instantly hate it or love it.

Talking about how things should be is just yelling into the void. There is just reality. And this is the reality of being a self-published indie author.

People make complete conclusions based off of incomplete information. In this case, my book, there are no adults pressuring the boy into getting any surgery. There's no mention of surgery at all even. This person is thinking of a children's book written by a very popular political figure. Some people have had the courtesy to ask me if it's like that book. It's not at all. It's not even political. It's a story told from the perspective of a kid who grows up knowing they are very different and yet can tell no one about it. Even saying a word about it would bring all of his deepest and darkest fears into reality.

The challenge was to make the story as dark and scary as I could without ever going too far for a children's book. There are already some scary children's books and movies out there that prove what's possible, and I worked with my illustrator, Marta, to push it as far as we could go. There's one page we had to re-do almost completely because even I said that's a bit much.

But I'm very happy with the final result because we also got to do so many fun and colorful pages like this.

There will be plenty more drive-by reviews as the book continues to grow and grow. They take one look and see a soapbox to express all of their disappointments and frustrations in life.

I think they might be scared of the book. The world they grew up in is slowly fading away day by day, and it's all they have come to know. They've been around for so long that everything has become a bore to them, and the only remaining pleasure is to escape into the past in order to better preserve it. I can oddly relate, actually.

So the book is on Amazon, and you can watch the whole thing for free on YouTube as well. If you get the chance, let me know what you think. Literally, watching it for free and then giving it a simple rating on Amazon is the best way to support the book. But I also love waking up to reviews like this every day.

#artists on tumblr #illustration #lgbtqia #queer #art #drawing #trans #transgender #furry

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songbirddoodles · 1 year

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If I made a side blog exclusively for self ship purposes would you guys (all 4 of you) promise to pretend it doesn’t exist. Be honest

#to be clear i am not embarrassed by self shipping. like at all #well okay i'm a *little* shy about it. that's why i'm on tumblr #but i have no qualms about posting self ship on main! i just think a blog made for that *express* purpose would be nice #i DO have one qualm though. and that is that self shipping is very personal to me #and i've never really...shared it in that much detail with anyone beyond just like maybe 2 people in my real life #as much as i absolutely love the idea of sharing my thoughts about certain characters with others who get it and will appreciate it #i've also always loved enjoying it in private for the most part. like i get to keep all my thoughts in a corner of my mind #where the only people who get to see it is the audience in my mind who think my ideas fucking rule. because they are all me.#there's also the fact that if i made one...er. well. i want a blog that's accessible to everyone because having blogs like the ones i saw #when i was younger really allowed me to open up and be WAY less afraid of being cringe #but the dilemma i'm having is...uh...hm. i would want to be able to post stuff that's a bit...not safe for work? lol #also i have a million and one characters i crush on literally all the time. how would i even go about making a list of them?#i've never really made a distinction between 'f/o' and 'character i have a massive crush on'#because all of it is just a fantasy in my Mind's Eye so i usually just do whetever i want #whatever. i'll figure something out ig. (rotates the idea around in my dome)#birdy chirps #self ship

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jnnul · 3 months

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riding enhypen hc's <3

a/n: entirely self-indulgent filth is at your service! i spiraled & sunoo's is genuinely dangerous. word count: 1.4k genre: nsfw...straight smut.

yang jungwon

freaks out

when you asked him if you could ride him, he freaked out

first, he had to figure out the logistics, then why you wanted to do it in the first place, then - !

you tell him to just stop thinking and let you make him feel good

so when he hesitantly agrees, he's still worried you're somehow going to manage to hurt yourself

until you finally, finally ease yourself down, pausing every so often to get used to his length

and then you bottom out

and jungwon sees heaven

he's too busy trying not to cum like a virgin the second you bottom out to remember why he was so worried in the first place

looking at his expression, you move to lift yourself off of him when his hands find your hips and keep you seated

"don't move. feels good."

you almost laugh at the neanderthal language your boyfriend is using but suddenly, he's guiding your hips forward and you're too shocked to laugh

goddamn. you knew it would feel good for him but not this good

jungwon never tries to control your movements when you have sex but clearly, this was a new experience for him

you like it. a lot.

as you do it more often and jungwon gets more used to it, he likes being a little more dominant by telling you to stop or keep going

mostly because knowing that you like it makes him horny as fuck

lee heeseung

b e g s you to do it

except he manages to do it in a way where you’re convinced that it was your idea in the first place

tries his best to keep his hands to himself

fails every time

kinda like jungwon, his hands always just naturally gravitate towards your hips

loves to control your pace and drag your hips slowly against his

bc he knows how much you hate it

he makes sure to bring you to the edge and rip your pleasure away at the last second

he's a fucking asshole (and you tell him as much) but he just laughs and kisses your tears away

definitely the type to tell you to sit slowly only to knock the wind out of you by thrusting suddenly

loves it when you grab his shoulders, trying to steady yourself

he gets such an ego boost when your thighs are shaking, and your grip on his body is too tight

he likes knowing that he's the single man on earth who could make you feel this good

will 100% kiss your collarbone when you're leaning over him

riding him is fun, teasing but also really romantic when he wants to be

absolutely will not flip you over, even when you get tired

"you're tired? that's alright, baby. we've got all night and nowhere to be."

park jongseong

such a cutie patootie bc he's always thinking abt if you're going through too much trouble

honestly, you would only be able to ride him when he's really tired

or when he's feeling a little down or when you just wanna spoil him

bc he l o v e s it when you ride him but he's always so worried abt you :(

sits against the headboard so that you can have more stability

presses so many kisses against your chest and neck

loves it when you're slow and grinding against him, just enjoying how full he makes you feel

loves it even more when you're riding him like it's the only thing you can think of doing in that moment

absolutely runs his hands up and down your thighs as you wrap your arms around his neck to kiss him

always is kissing you btw

no matter how fucked out you are (or he is, tbh) he's always kissing you bc you're going out of your way to make him feel good

just so incredibly love w you

will absolutely be asking if you want him to flip you over and make you feel good

doesn't believe you when you say that riding him does make you feel good

accidentally leaves bruises on your hips from how hard his grip is on you

kisses every single one of the bruises he leaves because he feels so sorry :(

definitely a groaner and his head falls back when you bottom out

he's such a romantic omg

jake sim

so excited cannot control himself

will beg you to ride him and is not ashamed of it

"yeah and you would too if your s/o was as hot as mine."

is kinda silly abt it because for him, pleasure is the ultimate goal

so even though you're riding him, he will 'accidentally' thrust upwards just to see you gasp

absolutely the type to do goofy shit in the middle to see you lose your breath

gets such an ego boost when you're sweating, trying not to cum before him when he's making it so hard for you

is a rlly sensual person so if the vibe is kinda serious, he will absolutely be pushing your hair back, pressing kisses against your shoulders

prefers you to ride him when the two of you are sitting

like sitting in an armchair or some shit

he feels like he's closer to you and he rlly likes the feeling of you clinging to him (kinda like heeseung)

is super versatile? like he gets turned on by pretty much everything and is into everything

so he can go from having a rlly serious vibe and kissing you senseless while you're seated full of him

to bouncing you on his dick faster than you can even register the switch

gets such a kick of adrenaline when you're fucked thoughtless when you're riding him

especially when you're babbling nonsense about how you don't want to stop and that you're in love w his dick

ABSOLUTELY goes feral for the praise

park sunghoon

one serving of a cocky ass mf when you first suggest it ("LMAOO you like like me")

kinda like jay in that he feels bad at first bc he rlly only lets you do it when he's feeling rlly tired

or when he just wants to be taken care of

since most of the time, he likes it for you to just sit back and relax

when he finally gives in though, he enjoys it to the fullest

absolutely accidentally edges you while he edges himself

everything feels so intense that he just needs you to stop every so often for you to catch your breath

and for him to get his head straight

but his thoughts grow cloudier and cloudier the longer you ride him

eventually, he gives up the reigns to you and that's when the fun really begins

he's such a sweetie when he's so far gone

tries his best to be quiet but just starts babbling when you ride him like it's the only thing you can think of doing

his hands are all over your body, trying to find something to anchor himself to

mark. him. up.

loves feeling special to you and feeling like you'd never give anyone else the chance to make you feel good like this

i wouldn't say that he's subby necessarily but he kinda gives into a more gentle and pliable side of him that you normally don't see

and when he cums, good god praise him so much pls :( he deserves it

kim sunoo

actually the best person to ever ride (i say this from personal experience)

slightly more dominant than usual because he loves seeing you melt when he takes control

snaps his hips up when you least expect it to see you whimper

gets such an ego boost when you lose your strength and fall into his arms

will hold you close to his chest as he fucks into you

kisses you when you're leaning into him

very slow and steady and purposeful with his movements, making you want more when he does the slightest movements

laughs when you nearly pass out after you cum (not in a mean way) (in a slightly mean way)

thinks you're absolutely adorable and likes watching you fumble for a couple moments before he starts guiding you

honestly probably doesn't let you do it very often bc he has to be in a very specific mindset for it

probably only happens when you're feeling RLLY needy

it's also probably just foreplay to him before he flips you over and fucks you until your mind goes absolutely blank

might even get freaky with it

do not get surprised if he ties your hands behind your back with a tie or smth

and tells you to 'get moving' in teasing way

overall, unlocks a side of him that you rarely get but absolutely love every time that you see it

#jnnul #enhypen smut #enhypen x reader #enhypen hard hours #enhypen hard thoughts #enhypen smut headcanons #enhypen headcanons #heeseung smut #heeseung hard hours #jay smut #jay hard hours #jungwon smut #jungwon hard hours #sunoo smut #sunoo hard hours #jake smut #jake hard hours #sunghoon smut #sunghoon hard hours

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comradekatara · 2 months

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yesterday I was explaining the intricacies of lok to my friend who has only seen atla, and he (like the rest of us) just couldn’t get over the fact that they made toph a cop. he was trying to figure out what about toph’s personality (you know, considering that it’s entirely antithetical to becoming someone who acts as an agent of the state to enforce systemic violence) would lead the writers to this conclusion. and it occurred to me that I do think many people, even those who vehemently denounce toph’s copness, do sort of assume that toph loves violence for the sake of violence. she is introduced as saying “I love fighting, and im really really good at it,” and she is shown committing various acts of violence against others (including her friends) with a grin on her face. but I still wouldn’t characterize toph as someone who employs violence for violence’s sake.

toph is, externally, defined by her limits. she is small, she is blind, she is young, she is a girl; she was raised to be soft and delicate and helpless. toph’s first true expression of freedom is when she learns to use her disability as a boon and uses her earthbending not as a weapon, but as an extension of herself. to toph, earthbending is a form of self-expression. it is an artform. I think people tend to forget that when toph says that she loves fighting, she’s not just saying that she loves the thrill of beating arrogant, gigantic, muscled men thrice her size (although of course there is also that), but she’s also saying that she loves practicing a martial art for artistry’s sake.

unlike the boulder, who only listens to his big muscles, toph waits, listens, innovates, creates, hones her craft. and while her earthbending is indeed a martial art, it is also a site of innovation, a visual art, and most importantly, a disability aid. the earth is an extension of herself; it is her artistic medium. yes, of course toph does love being able to exert power over others as a ragefilled tiny twelve year old blind girl who has been denied agency her entire life, but power is not her primary motivation when honing her earthbending. she cares about craft, about innovation, about being one with the earth. unlike all the other earth rumblers and dai li agents and earth kingdom soldiers, toph is a deliberate, thoughtful, considerate earthbender. fighting is an art, and toph is an artist.

#people really love reducing toph which is kind of ironic considering that toph’s entire struggle is not to not be reduced and limited #alas.#toph #analysis #she’s a genius <3333333 #lok crit #(technically)#hang on im gonna make another post abt asami later as well

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