Just... this
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looked in the mirror today and realized my face will always be a reminder of the person i miss the most
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every day i think "i have done it. i have gotten as desperate to shift as possible." and every day i am proven wrong
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"yeah, I wish my father was a ee character"
"oh, Giovanni potage right? Yeah same"
"haha yes, one of the most popular and well loved ee characters Giovanni potage, most certainly not a very underrated hard working girlboss character who got much more screen time in the source material, and I am very not sad about most of the source material vods getting deleted so I cant watch scene of him anymore"
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my brothers laugh is the same as my dads was. sometimes when i hear him, it feels like dad is still here.
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Happiness and Sadness
I just received a job offer with a five figure increase in salary. It's always great to be wanted and I will be contemplating my options over the weekend. Needless to say, I am very happy.
But for the first time in my life, I can't pick up the phone and ask my Dad for career advice. He was always there for me and was a great sounding board. He was an HR guy and had terrific insight regarding my career. I am very very sad. I miss my Dad.
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Today marks 7 years since my dad passed away. Every year on the anniversary of his passing since 2020, I log into Guild Wars 2 and do a memorial march to honor him. I'm doing it again this year.
I'm just a daughter carrying her father's legacy on her shoulders with pride.
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grief is floating over my left shoulder and it is waiting for me to turn around and glimpse it out of the corner of my eye
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It’s my dad’s birthday today.
I need to call him but I don’t have the courage.
I hate myself, I’m the worst daughter ever, I miss him so much. I miss having a dad.
I want my dadddd.
I just can’t talk to him, I don’t know how to talk to him
When I was little I was the biggest daddy’s girl, I was so clingy.
Anyway…
Song recommendation of the day: Total Eclipse of the heart by Bonnie Tyler
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So fun story about when I came out to my dad, when I told him "I might not be a girl" he (being a boomer that wasn't aware of non-binary being an option) got really happy about having a son to carry on the family name and be "Sam the fifth" and to be honest his supportiveness made me a little sad to tell him I wasn't a boy either
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Just once, I want to be held. I want to be in someone’s arms, I want them to tell me what I am worth and what I am not. I want them to tell me I am worth the day and the night, I am worth the sun and the moon, I am worth the future. And I want them to tell me I am not worth this. I am not worth what happened. The misfortunes are not my fault. And I'll skip back to my classes because being held and being cared for has made me feel worth the good things. Or maybe I won’t - I have felt all the bad and all the good and I still want to be unhappy. Maybe I want to be held, and be unhappy. Maybe I can be held forever if I am bad. If I am not weak, will I stop being held? If I am not hopeless, will I stop being cared for?
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I don't know what to do with this sadness. This grief. This inescapable exhaustion. Where do I put it?
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I have this thing that I do, I don't like to sit in the same places I have made good memories in. For example, I don't like to sit on the same table in el fornayo where I was laughing and making jokes to the people passing by or the "usual" table I would meet my friends at or the same route I would take while going back home or the same bus stop I would get off at. There is nothing wrong with these places and the irony is I don't do it because I am broken or it hurts, but because I don't want to change the narrative of those seats or routes. If I start sitting on the same table alone and make it a part of my usual day, it's happiness is lost and it gets laced with that same memory of loneliness.
I like seeing ghosts of myself laughing on those tables. I like seeing myself from far away stuck in a forever loop of happy memory. Sitting on that table or walking down the same street. It's a reminder that what once was is not here anymore, but it once was.
-arcanesdiary
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Today's movie is Coco.. I only watch this once a year generally because it wrecks me
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