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#I need more angst with a happy ending where mc snaps at them and sets them straight

henry-and-the-seven-lords · 3 years

Note

Okay, so I’ve read several Obey me boys react to a sick MC hc’s/fic but normally MC has a simple cold or fever and after watching the episodes “Suds” from Spongebob, I decided why not amplify that shit? :D (It’s more of a crack, angst, and fluff)

I’d like to request head cannons of the Brothers reacting to a sick!MC BUT they are gravely ill; I’m talking sunken eyes, raspy voice, vomiting after every meal, hella frail, and they just look like walking death. To make matters even scarier, MC’s eye or arm would fall off while they’re trying to calm the panicking bois.

MC: I’m fine, it was just a cough ☺️ *eye falls out* Don’t worry about that 🙂 *puts eye back in*

What makes it hurt even more is that MC’s been overworking themselves with RAD, helping the brothers, and trying to survive the Devildom to not even worry about their health. Literally demons that would ignore/threaten MC became concerned for the new human. It doesn’t help that MC just wants to help others so damn bad. If the illness strains their legs to the point of them being unable to walk, that’s not gonna stop them from physically pulling themselves to where the brothers are to help them, noodle legs and all.

MC:*is on Death’s doorstep but hears the Brothers talk about a problem in the kitchen*

Lucifer: Beel, don’t eat the jar of you can’t open it-*damn near chokes on his tongue when he sees MC dragging their body to the boys and they look even worse than usual*

MC: I can help :D

I’m messed up for such an idea and I understand if you don’t wanna do it or don’t feel comfy with it. Something about seeing these bois become hella protective and worried for MC makes my heart happy 😭

No, I would love to do it, but MC puts her eye back!? Is she a zombie? (Maybe that is a different headcannon/AU for a different day...)

I looked up the Suds (disease) forum on the spongebob wiki and it said it was the cold with extra symptoms. So MC has an extreme cold! One that makes their eyes pop out and their arms fall off... with a dash of "I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep."

I am stuck on how to make this a headcannon set, so these are going to blurbs of little interactions the brothers have had with a gravely ill!MC

This was really fun to write and kind of what I needed to day. I hope you enjoy this and let me know if this isn't right so I can fix it!

TW: Mentions broken bones, falling out eyes, and pulling off arms

Brothers Masterlist | Dateables Masterlist

Brothers Reactions to a Gravely ill MC

💙 Lucifer and Beel ❤-

Lucifer has been going around the House most of the morning taking care of his Brothers in MC's stead. MC woke up with a terrible pounding in their head and he knew that they just needed to rest by how pale their skin was. Yet it was difficult for him to manage his brothers without them. Especially when it came to Beel and his appetite.

"Beel please do not eat the entire jar of peanut butter."

"But it is faster..."

"No it isn't, you just think it is-"

Lucifer stops his scolding as he hears smacking coming from the hallway. Both brothers look toward each other before slowly approaching the doorway.

There, pulling themselves by their hands across the dirty floor is MC. Their legs are twisted in a painful way behind them.

Immediately the pair run over with Beel picking them up in his arms and Lucifer inspecting their legs confusedly.

"MC, how did you do this?" Beels voice is lace with concern.

"Oh. I rolled off my bed and they ended up like that. I wanted to come and see how you were doing!" A smile fills their face as they stare at the two perplexed demons.

"Is there a way to fix something like this?" Lucifer face is filled with confusion.

"Oh yeah! Beel, set me down in the chair." The two brothers then watch as MC snaps their kneecaps back into place before beginning to giggle and swing their legs.

"See! All better! They are still a little too weak for me to walk though."

The two glance at each other completely disturbed.

Lucifer swallows the lump in his throat and eventually speaks up, "I didn't know human illnesses were so... brutal."

💚 Satan, Levi 🧡 and Belphie 💜 -

Satan, Levi, and Belphie were given some very important jobs. They were told to feed the sick human, give them medicine, and make them sleep. They were also supposed to help the human stay comfortable so there wouldn't be any incidents like this morning.

"Let me fix your pillow, MC" Satan reaches around gently fluffing it while they lean forward.

"You guys are so sweet, but you really don't have to do this. I am fine! Seriously!"

"I'm not so sure about that..." Levi as WI concern as he hold up a spoonful of soup to MC's mouth.

MC opens their mouth and hums in satisfaction as they taste it.

"Lucifer said there were some... complications... this morning and you need to be watched over. So we are here if you need anything." Belphie's voice is soft sleep as he speaks. His head rests on MC's lap as they card their fingers through his hair.

"Whatever you- Achoo!" As MC sneezes their hands cup in front of their face. When they remove them their eyeball sits in their hands.

The shock of the sneeze wakes Belphie and he sits up.

"AHHHH" Levi jumps back dropping the soup on the ground.

"What are you screaming about Levia-" Satan looks to Levi to see him pointing at MC's hands when he looks down he sees their eye staring back at him and he pales.

"Ugh, I got hair on it again." MC begins to pull off a hair as Belphie finishes rubbing his eyes and sees for himself what the commotion is about.

"Oh no. MC, I don't think this is normal." Belphie's voice is soft as he looks to MC's face.

"No, it's fine. See." MC then proceeds to pop their eye back in and the three watch in horror as it spins around until the iris is facing forward once again. All the while MC is smiling.

"This can't be a normal human disease." Levi says as he holds himself back from vomiting.

💛 Mammon and Asmo 💖 -

Asmo had offered to take care of all of MC's hygiene needs while they got better. He had thought it would be some good alone time with them. Sadly, he was interrupted when Mammon had insisted on helping bathe MC. Now MC sits in a warm bubble bath and Mammon and Asmo sit on the rim of the tub helping scrub MC arm and hair respectively.

"You both are so sweet for doing this. I would have been fine taking a shower after I got better." MC smiles quickly at Mammon and then up towards Asmo.

"Well I couldn't have you sitting in your own filth! Even though you look amazing all the time, a nice bath can relax your aching bone and make you feel better." Asmo has a chipper tone as he grabs some water from the bathtub to rinse out the shampoo.

"Yeah. Besides I couldn't have Asmo here doing it by himself. I didn't want him takin' advantage of ya in this state." Mammon grumbled as he gently tugged on MC's arm while scrubbing.

"I would never take advantage of them, Mammon. I am not some scumbag like you." Asmo's voice got louder as he began to scrub harder.

"I ain't no scumbag! Tell him MC!" As he speaks he tugs a little harder and the pair he a tear as MC's arm comes off at the shoulder. MC winces at the sound.

"Mammon, what did you do to my precious MC!?" Asmo clings to MC's head trying to pull them as far away from Mammon as possible.

"Nothing! I wasn't pulling that hard! Was I MC? I thought I was being gentle?!" Mammon's voice is frantic as he still holds MC's arm.

MC snatches the arm back before saying, "Calm down. Both of you. It's fine."

With a loud popping sound MC pushes their shoulder back into place. They sigh in relief and swing their arm to make sure the limb still works.

"There we go. You don't know how cold your shoulder bone gets without an arm attached to it."

MC then ducks their head below the water rinsing the rest of the shampoo out. While the two demons sit there completely dazed.

So that is what Lucifer tried to warn them about.

458 notes · View notes

obae-me · 4 years

Note

Hi again! If it's not too much trouble, can I request the brothers reacting to an MC who usually bottles up their anger (they have a LOT of patience) until one day they just explode? You are an amazing person, and thank you for everything! I hope you aren't pushing yourself too hard!!

Hi, welcome everyone to another episode of Mara Doesn’t Know When To Stop, this time featuring this lovely request! I had a small idea, which then turned into five whole pages for Lucifer alone, so, I will also be doing this request into parts, I really hope you don’t mind! I get a bit carried away sometimes...I admit it... Anyway, Lucifer’s part is first! I hope you like it! 💜

Warning: Angst, arguing, cussing, It does lead to a happy end though, it’s a bit cheesy but sometimes we love it

We All Get Angry Sometimes

Word Count: 2707

He was fully aware of MC bottling up their true emotions. Being well acquainted with angels, he knew, despite all their holy patience, that even they had their limits. He will admit, he was impressed and proud with how far they had taken it, being human after all. Their control was practically as good as his own. No matter what his brothers did, what they said, how much they pushed them, for weeks MC just smiled and swallowed it. He was pleased. Until they could no longer retain their anger, and turned it all on him.

It had been at dinner, nothing unlike their meals every day, except recently Lucifer’s nerves had been on edge. It had been a few days since he had been blessed with adequate sleep, and his brothers were more bothersome than usual. Little did he know, MC’s mental state was about the same, close to the breaking point. An unhappy MC meant unhappy brothers, which meant it would all lead back up the ladder to Lucifer. There was only so far MC could be shoved around, only so long they could stay calm, and Lucifer had been the last straw. No one can really remember how it started, it hadn’t been important, simply some passing comment from one of the brothers discussing recent school projects. MC had scoffed, explaining their thoughts on how ridiculous the rules of said assignments were. Then it all went downhill from there.

“I’m not sure it’s your place to be making claims like that based on what your grades have been looking like recently,” Lucifer quipped. The rest of the siblings prepared to stand up for the human, knowing that MC was typically passive in nature.

Only, that same human beat them to the punch. “So, you’re saying that because I don’t meet your lofty standards, I’m not entitled to my opinions?” MC set down their fork, sending chills down the other demon’s spines as the room went silent.

Lucifer narrowed his gaze, already annoyed with their tone. “I’m merely explaining that maybe your statement would have more merit if you worked a little more at your studies instead of slacking off. And for the record, no, you haven’t been reaching my standards. I honestly expected more from you.” Every member of the household felt that line deep in their bones.

MC’s jaw clenched, the fire building up in their chest overwhelmed them to the point where if they shoved it down any longer, they felt like they would explode under the pressure. “You expected more from me? What more could you possibly want?! You’ve taken my home, my family, my friends, my culture, my time! You’ve constantly belittled me, ordered me around, expected nothing but perfection from me, and you still want more?! What have you possibly done to deserve more of me?!”

He was stunned at first, yes, but it didn’t last long. The shock factor was quickly replaced with a wave of fervent irritation. There’s no surprise he was already in demon form, doing his best to intimidate MC into submission. His eyes were glowing that deep red of his, looking down at the human as he got to his feet. His siblings slowly raised up from their seats as well, at the ready to intervene at any second. This whole event had them astonished to their core. Mammon and Levi had their jaws open. Asmo had his hand covering his mouth. Satan would have appeared proud of MC if not for the wary frown. Beel was instantly engaged in protection mode, already in a stance to grab onto Lucifer if he needed to. The eldest was barely able to control himself. Somehow MC had gotten deep under his skin, his body prickling with anger. “What have I--I’ve brought you into my home, ensured your protection, done nothing but make sure your experience down here is sufficient for your fragile little life! Do Not speak to me that way. Know your place.”

MC was physically vibrating from rage and frustration, their mind clouded with fury. Logic was far out the window now, they simply were saying whatever came to mind. Profanities were no longer held back. “I’m sick of your pompous holier-than-thou shit! I’m sick of working my ass off for you and not being good enough! You have a serious fucking lack of respect for everyone around you!”

The air was thick with his aura, his wings fully extended from his body. “Not another wor-”

“Fuck you!”

In a quick blur of motion, everyone worked together in tandem. As Lucifer lunged forward, his brothers held him back. Mammon scooped MC up in his arms and raced to the safety of their room before MC could get hurt, although deep in his heart he hoped Lucifer wouldn’t resort to violence. Lucifer growled inhumanly, flinging his brothers off of him in a single swift movement, ready to pursue the person that dared attempt to say such things to his face.

“How pathetic for you to have gotten so riled up over a few words from a human,” Satan shouted at him as he got up from his spot on the floor. Swallowing the small lump in his throat, he hoped this would prove a decent distraction as well as a way to snap his brother back under control.

Lucifer loomed over him. Satan seemed hardly disturbed. “Watch yourself.” But Satan’s words proved efficient, Lucifer’s Pride wounded as he realized how quickly he allowed MC’s words to get to him, how quickly he had lost control. All of his sibling’s eyes were on him, observing how he was acting. His head was pounding, but instead of heading up to MC’s room, he swiftly retired to his private study where he locked the entrance behind him. He paced around the area for a while, magically turning on some soothing music as his wings twitched in vexation.

He had been completely unprepared for MC’s retaliation, for their venom towards him, but perhaps he knew there was only so much a living being could take before they snapped. Had he been pushing them too hard? Expecting too much of them? Mistreating them? Had he gone too far? What if this spat ended up becoming a problem for the program? What if MC relayed this to Diavolo? His image, his reputation, they would be tarnished. Did MC think less of him now? Did he really care what they thought of him? He was better than this. He expected more from himself. He lowered his head as he sat heavily down into the chair behind his desk. He sunk down low, proper posture be damned. As he took a deep breath in, he realized he hadn’t been breathing for a while, lungs aching. He hadn’t meant to rub MC the wrong way. He simply strived to lead them towards the potential he knew they had. All he wanted was for them to feel proud of their accomplishments, to show the world what he knew they were capable of. But perhaps, it was unfair for the same standards he kept for himself to apply to MC as well. He pinched the bridge of his nose as that deep breath turned into a heavy sigh. He had failed in nurturing the success they’d already accomplished. He’d made them feel like they weren’t good enough, and now look at what he had done, in front of his family no less. Humiliating.

Meanwhile, Mammon was in the process of rubbing MC’s back as they lay on their bed, screaming into their pillow as angry tears fell from their eyes. They hadn’t meant to snap at Lucifer, it all...was just so much. They finally had cracked from the pressure. Everyone’s expectations had gotten the best of them. Be a human representative. Don’t let anyone down. Don’t show weakness. They weren’t purposefully slacking off from their studies, they just were burnt out, almost completely. Lucifer demanding even more from them...was the last thing they needed to hear today. Their own words made them feel sick to their stomach. Being angry wasn’t like them, it never sat well, which is why they always attempted to bury it in the first place. Mammon continued to tell them to breathe and calm down, doing his best not to freak out himself. He’d never seen his human act like this before. After some time, they both heard a polite knock on the door. As MC tensed, Mammon got up to answer it on their behalf. Lucifer was waiting, back in his casual clothes as his arms were settled folded across his chest, foot tapping impatiently against the floor.

“You’ve got a lotta nerve coming back here so soon,” Mammon scowled. “I won’t let anything happen to them, ya hear?”

“Nonsense, Mammon, I have no intention of harming them, I just want to talk. Calmly.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t think they’re in the mood for talkin’.” Mammon did his best to let his body block the entrance to the room, his shoulders nearly touching both sides of the door frame as he made his stature appear bigger. Lucifer peered over his younger brother’s figure, spotting MC sitting with their legs crossed on top of the bed, mostly calmed down as well, refusing to look at him. He noted the tear stains on their cheeks, and he resorted to having to clench his own teeth to stop the bubbling guilt rising up in his chest. He would make this right, if he couldn’t do this, how could he possibly call himself the wise and mature older brother?

“It’s...okay, Mammon,” MC assured him. The demon of greed scoffed, stating much too loudly that he would be right outside the door. He threatened his older brother not to even think about laying a single finger on them, unafraid of any punishment when it came to protecting MC. Lucifer waved him away with a single hand, too exhausted to deal with him further. As the door shut, he strode over to MC’s bed, chin high but spirits low. He had no intention of apologizing first, but if he could just persuade MC to start, he might be able to swallow enough pride to follow.

“Have we calmed down now?” He asked, MC simply nodding in response. “Very well.” He paused for a moment, letting an uncomfortable silence settle over the room. He did have many things he wanted to say, things he wanted to rectify, but for the life of him, he couldn’t bring himself to say them. Not yet. “Did you have anything you wanted to say to me?”

He observed them fight back their irritation before slumping their shoulders as they gave in. “I’m sorry, Lucifer.”

“And?” His voice sounded like a parent scolding a child, causing MC to nearly flinch in humiliation.

They bit their lip. “And the things I said to you were uncalled for. I know how much you do for all of us...for me.” They sat up a bit straighter as they stammered over the thoughts they wanted to say, to explain their feelings. They were afraid to be honest and vulnerable, much like he was, but they had the courage and humility to be open. It was a trait he secretly admired. “I just...I’m finding it difficult to--to find the--the energy and motivation to make everyone happy. And...and it hurt when…” They looked down, swallowing their emotions once more as they halted their watery eyes from crying again.

Lucifer let his body unwind ever so slightly. It would be rude of him now to not follow their example. “I...regret my words and my actions. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me, it won’t happen again.” He let the conversation fall once more as he took the time to straighten his coat around his shoulders and his gloves tighter over his fingers. “It was not my intention to invalidate your efforts. You’ve already accomplished more than I originally thought you were capable of, and it was foolish on my part to expect more from a simple human.” His rather backhanded compliment forced MC to rest their face in their hands in shame. The nerves in Lucifer’s spine shot a jolt up his back as he realized how terribly this was going. His temples were pounding, and he finally put his pride aside for the sake of reconciliation. He couldn’t stand to be the cause of their distress. MC stiffened as he sat himself beside them on their bed. A gentle hesitant hand hovered above their body before it settled between their shoulder blades. He glanced at the door where he knew Mammon was behind, probably listening in, and so he spoke softer. “I’m...sorry.” He had to ignore how harshly the words hurt him, but something about it was freeing. “I seem to have pushed you too far. I am thankful and truthfully astonished of what you’ve done during your time here. Not only did I cross a line today but I was blind to the fact that you’ve been overtaxing yourself. I know how hard it is to juggle my siblings and my work.”

He allowed his hand to drift up and down their back in a soothing rhythm, relaxing some himself as their muscles eased at his touch. MC finally raised their head from the confines of their palms and looked him in the eyes. “Do you think I’m a disappointment? A burden?” He found himself stunned for the second time today, and for a while he wondered when it was that he could be so easily swayed by the words and emotions of this human. Here he was, not only apologizing, but expending every effort he had in consoling them. He wanted MC to be happy again, because somehow it seemed to make his days a little brighter, his mood a little softer. Perhaps...he cared more for them than he realized. Their shouts had wounded him deeply at dinner, but somehow these new words hurt him more. Their forlorn face spurred an unfamiliar pain in his chest.

“I’m sure it will be hard to convince you after the unforgivable things I said to you today, but it could not be further from the truth. I suppose the fact that you question yourself is one of my biggest failures. Clearly, we have not been communicating properly. For that I am..s...sor…” The words got caught in his throat. Apologizing once had been difficult enough, a second time seemed impossible. Out of the blue, he felt a tight set of arms wrap around his torso. He held his arms up in the air, his body turning rigid as his little hairs stood up on end. MC had pulled him into a tight hug, burying their face in his side. He felt their nose nestle against his ribs. As soon as he found his breath, his arms slowly lowered, settling around the smaller human. His body felt warm. Allowing himself a small smile, he cleared his throat. “I would prefer a situation like this to never happen again, do you understand?” MC detached from his sides, sitting back up as they nodded silently. “So, for the future, instead of quarreling with me, I expect you to come straight to me to discuss any woes or issues you may have. Fair enough?”

“Yes, Lucifer.”

He gingerly brushed his fingers against MC’s cheeks. “But it would be remiss of me to ignore the faults of my own. Since our meal was interrupted, what do you say to me taking you out to dinner, as my way of making amends?”

MC felt themselves blush a bit. “Sure-”

The door burst open, Mammon leading the charge as the rest of the siblings spilled into the doorway. They’d all been eavesdropping. Mammon came over and tugged MC further away from Lucifer. “Oi, what did I say about touching MC?!”

“And our dinner was interrupted too, I think we deserve something!” Asmo whined.

A loud grumble echoed from Beel’s gut. “I’m starving…”

Lucifer’s eyelid twitched a bit, and he gave MC one last apologetic look before he sighed. “Fine...we’re all going to dinner then.”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me lucifer x reader #obey me lucifer x mc

1K notes · View notes

adonis-koo · 3 years

Text

ghostin him

Summary: Life is nothing more than dull colors for you, your world shattered and laying in the shards of what once was rather than focusing on what is. That is until you meet Kim Namjoon, who is immediately taken by you without realizing you’re a girl with a whole lot of baggage, through tears and many sleepless nights you’re faced with a choice of hanging on with bleeding hands, or accepting what is, and letting go.

‘What did you do?’

‘I ruined everything. I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost.’

Pairing: Namjoon/Reader, Taehyung/reader

Word Count: 26k

Genre: hurt and comfort, angst with a happy ending, whew this one is gonna hurt y’all, bakery!AU, one sided pining, unrequited feelings, some more angst, Jungkook just really loves his Noona, Namjoon is a mess, but so is MC,

Warning: this fic deals with major character death, mourning and suicidal thoughts, please read with caution!

Note: whew, I’m not gonna lie guys this is a pretty heavy fic! I poured a lot of sad feelings into this as just a way to vent out my sadness! I’d also like to mention I am fine lmao! I often get bouts of sadness and all of it went into this so I hope you enjoy! Last but not least a big big big thank you to @tiny-onecx for beta reading this when it was a giant mess and helping me turn it into the bittersweet story it is today! <3

“Baby, come on, wake up,” His deep, dulcet voice quietly called out, a whine escaping you as you flopped onto your stomach, your face buried. Large hands grabbing your waist as his fingertips dragged against the open skin, “C’mon, you missed your alarm clock.” You felt his nose rub against your neck, hair tickling your skin and his body was so warm.

Rolling over you groaned as you glanced at the man who laid beside you, Taehyung’s smile lit up like the sun as he let his fingers gently brush over the skin of your face, “Morning.”

Adoration filled your whole chest, butterflies swarming in your stomach with giddy happiness you couldn’t ever adequately describe as a shy smile tugged on your lips, “Morning.” His fingers dragging down to your lips, thumbing the soft subtle lower lip. His forehead pressing against yours as he smiled once more, “Come on baby, let’s get up.”

“Get up.”

“Y/n, you’re gonna be late for work, what the hell!?”

Your eyes cracked open as you groaned, your roommate Jimin was already dressed and had probably already eaten breakfast as he sighed, frowning at your somewhat confused figure as your head snapped to the other side of the bed. It was like a sucker punch in the gut, seeing the other side of the bed empty. Tears already threatened to spill, the butterflies in your stomach were gone, his deep voice along with it as you realized Taehyung, the man you had woken up with was just a cruel dream, “I’ll be up in a minute.” You muttered, covering your face with your pillow as you choked back a crack in your voice.

You could feel Jimin’s presence stay in the room at the sound of your muffled sob, refusing to show your face from your pillow as you curled up away from him. You didn’t want to talk about it, he knew it, but it still hurt to watch you. Even after a year it was like time had stopped, would it ever heal? Your door quietly shut after a minute as you pressed your face into your pillow to quiet your sobs, hugging it close and praying maybe if you tried hard enough you’d fall back asleep where you’d be with Taehyung again.

It didn’t matter how much sleep you got, your body was permanently lethargic and tired, getting out of bed every day was always a difficult task. Tears stained your face as you grabbed your phone, sniffling as you muttered, “Shit.” You dropped your phone into your lap as you pressed your hands to your face. You were late. Again. Your boss had been understanding the first six months, but now? Not so much.

You got up, hurriedly wiping your face as you sniffled once more, fumbling with your clothes as you changed. Tying up your hair as you grabbed your phone before hurrying out the door, Jimin long gone for work so at the very least he wasn’t going to nag you for being late. It didn’t matter what you did, you tried everything, a new hobby, crafts, drawing, baking, nothing worked. Nothing filled the void in you. You could find Taehyung in everything you did, always.

Straightening yourself out you opened the door to the cafe you worked in. The only thing that made you feel better was working, filling your life with nothing but endless busy work to keep your thoughts off of him. It worked until you got off shift and rinse repeat. That was all your life had become now.

It used to be filled with vivid hues and rose colored glasses with Taehyung, he found beauty in everything and he showered you in all of it, he taught you optimism and love in a way you never thought you could feel it. You had gotten so used to his presence you didn’t even realize how much you radiate happiness when he was with you. Now your life is a bleak endless void; work, cry, sleep.

It’s all the energy you had to do anymore, what was the point in doing anything else? You’d never get to experience life in the beautiful eyes of Taehyung again. You sucked a sharp breath of air in as a voice called out, “Hey! There you are Noona.” Like a blessing from above your coworker called out with a big bunny-like smile.

“Thank’s Jungkook.” He hadn’t even said anything but you couldn’t help but give a weak smile in compensation for him not ratting you out to your boss who luckily wasn’t in today. He knew what happened, but he rarely ever brings it up, perhaps sensing you were still grieving and would prefer to keep your mind off it.

But you knew you couldn’t fool anyone, your smile always seemed sadder these days, Jungkook more than anyone could sense it. Rounding the counter you set your bag down as he asked softly, “Are you good?” That was all he ever asked, an open invitation that if you ever wanted to talk about it he’d be more than happy to listen. Many people in your life were like this, bless all of them.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You mumbled, refusing to look at him as you dug through your things, pretending as if you were looking for something when you genuinely couldn’t look at him, few words could cause you to burst into a faucet of tears and you refused to cry at work.

If you turned around to look up at Jungkook’s stupid, soft, doe like eyes that were always so understanding you’d surely start crying. You didn’t have to look at your coworker to know he was frowning but said no more, just like always.

You didn’t mean to push all of your friends away, but you simply needed time alone, by yourself to get through this. If ever. Some days you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever get over it, if you’d ever love someone the way you loved Taehyung again. Pulling the apron on you pushed all of your sad thoughts to the back of your head and got to work.

Work was your happy place, as happy as it could be at least. You could pretend, just for a little while. That everything was okay, “Hey, where did the flour go?” Yoongi came out of the back complaining as he glared at Jungkook, “You closed last night.” His eyes narrowed into daggers at the younger boy who impishly smiled in response,

“Hyung it’s where it always is, didn’t you check the top shelf? It should be there.” Jungkook insisted as he followed Yoongi to the back who was grumbling, said-baker not liking his ingredients misplaced. You felt a small smile tug on your lips as you watched them bicker as the door to the back shut.

Turning away you walked up to the register where a customer had been scanning over the menu before ordering. Fixing coffee, getting a croissant, it was quaint work but something about it made you feel happy. Reminded you of simpler times.

The bell against the door rang as you popped up from your crouched position, setting the plate and coffee on the counter as you called out the customer's name before going back up to the register, carefully watching the man whose eyes met with yours suddenly smack right into a table.

You winced a little as he grunted in pain, rubbing his thigh that hit the hard edge of the table, his face looking oddly red as he rubbed his neck, unable to hold your stare for a even a short period of time as he awkwardly coughed, frantically looking over the menu, “Uh, you can take your time sir.” You raised an eyebrow as you glanced away, why was he making this feel so awkward?

“O-okay, thank you.” He offered a sincere yet somewhat odd smile, your eyes immediately flickering to the pretty dimples that poked into his cheeks before he quickly looked back up at the menu as you turned around to wipe down the counters that had gotten crumbs all over it. Presumably from Jungkook eating yesterday's leftover pastries that didn’t sell.

Casually you glanced at the stranger, sure you had a few new people every day but generally the cafe only had regulars come in or people that stopped in a few times a week. It was a trendy little place and was close to the city’s college campus making it a hot spot for friends to study at.

“You don’t look like you’ve been here before.” You commented causing him to jump, his eyes flicking to your figure before immediately back to the menu.

“I uh- Probably because I haven’t,” He gave an awkward smile as he closed his eyes, without even fully realizing it you felt your lips tug into a tiny smile as he began to relax a little at your observation, “My friend constantly talks about how amazing the pastries here are so I figured I’d come by and try them, just the smell is making my mouth water.”

Letting your arms rest against the counter you hummed, “You should try the coco cream cupcakes if you like chocolate oh! Or the sugar glazed puff pastries if you want something light and low on the sweetness.” Sugar glazed pastries were your favorite, Yoongi would always let you take leftovers home if they didn’t all sell that day. You always loved sharing them with-

“Alright! I’ll have two of the sugar glazed pastries then! Oh, can I get an americano to go with it?” He asked, seemingly confident in your choice of sweets or maybe just a little overwhelmed at how much was crammed onto the small menu.

To be fair Yoongi was always whipping out new recipes and they always tasted delicious, he eventually had to keep some limited edition due to the limited space on the menu and sometimes he’d put up seasonal sweets as well. Your favorite was never pumpkin spice but nutmeg and cider cinnamon rolls, it tasted like october. October would be coming around again soon, it was hard to believe it would be a year soon…

“Of course.” You coughed out, hands fumbling somewhat as you tried to keep your mind from sinking into a place where it would not return if you let it, “Name?”

“U-uh what?” He asked, looking somewhat sheepish and caught off guard as you glanced up from the register, tilting your head at the sight of his flushed face and eyes that kept jumping between you and the menu over ahead as if to appear like he wasn’t staring at you.

“For the order…” You replied somewhat hesitantly, a frown on your face as he suddenly laughed, looking mildly relieved as he rubbed the back of his neck. Still refusing to meet your gaze as if he seemed a little embarrassed.

“O-oh right. Namjoon.” He offered a weak smile as you wrote it down on his cup. Ringing him up you gave him his receipt before working on his americano. Jungkook just then opened the door to the back, the front of his black shirt completely covered in flour and his face looked as if he just sucked on a lemon.

“...Do I wanna ask?” You frowned though you felt your lips threatening to tug into a smile at his exasperated expression, turning to face the register as he mumbled something about accidentally putting the flour in the pantry. Setting the sugar glazed pastry neatly on a plate before placing the plate and drink on the counter calling Namjoon’s name who appeared to be typing very passionately on his phone before glancing up.

“Thank you- ah…” He paused for a moment, his eyes dropping to your shirt before he smiled brightly at you, “Y/n.” Your name tag was a little crooked today, making it stick out from your clothes in an annoying way but you couldn’t be bothered to adjust it.

You gave a small nod as you turned around, glancing at Jungkook who seemed to watch both you and the man- Namjoon like a hawk as you asked, “What?”

“Nothing.” He shrugged but it definitely did not look like nothing, before you could interrogate the younger boy he was already taking a customer's order. Sighing, you shook your head before you began working on the next order.

The day went by quickly as always, the only thing that stuck out was when Namjoon left, waving at you before accidentally smacking against a chair that had been left unpushed by a table, causing him to stumble. You weren’t sure why but something just seemed….

“He likes you.”

Your head whipped back over to Jungkook who was finished the last of cleaning before taking off as if his shift ended an hour earlier than yours. You couldn’t help but scoff as you rolled your eyes.

“I’m being serious Noona!” Jungkook frowned, waving his hand to the door where Namjoon had long since left, “He kept smiling like an idiot while glancing over at you working.” You crossed your arms as you tilted your head.

“You were watching him eat?” You raised a brow, Jungkook’s face flushing somewhat as he glanced away, mumbling a no despite knowing for a fact he definitely was, “He’s just a customer Jungkook.” You dismissed him making a cute pout tug on his lips. You...you couldn’t even think about someone liking you.

It wasn’t possible. Not right now at least. Jungkook sighed, his lips still tugged into a pout and those dumb doe eyes of his always getting the better of you as you scowled looking away, he was so stubborn when he wanted to be, “You might not be ready to move on Noona but that doesn’t mean other people can see that.”

Your jaw clenched and your eyes glared against the counter, refusing to look at him as he sighed, “Bye Noona, see you friday.” You mumbled a goodbye as you sighed, closing your eyes as you rubbed your forehead. Just keep breathing.

“Awh don’t cry baby,” Your cheeks squished and lips peppered against your face as you sniffled, trying your best not to cry at the sad scene in the movie but failing as a small whimper escaped your lips, “You’re so cute.”

You shoved him causing laughter to erupt from his lips as you scowled while sniffling, “Tae shut up!” He gave you a playful nip on the neck as he hauled you into his lap, pressing little kisses against your head as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll always be here to wipe those tears away.” He thumbed a tear against your cheek before his hands suddenly grabbed at your waist, a squeal leaving your lips as he ruthlessly tickled you, giggles escaping you as he pushed you down against the bed, “There’s that pretty smile.” He cooed, that playful boxy grin of his on his face as you squirmed beneath him, tears pricking in your eyes at how hard you were laughing.

Now your eyes were blurring out of sadness, funny how you took those moments for granted when you still had him. Your fingers traced the image of his face on your phone, it was a dumb selfie you had took one morning together when you were half asleep.

What you’d give to be with him again, have him beside you in bed telling you to get off your phone while whining to hold you. You could almost picture him beside you, his hair in a multitude of colors but your favorite was always that stupid blueberry dye he had insisted was indigo.

His hands would be cupping your face, your hand gently grabbing your cheek as you closed your eyes. He’d always thumb your bottom lip before letting his pads delicately trace up your cheekbone. Opening your eyes the bed was still empty, the hand on your face was not his, but your own.

Tears began to pool in your eyes as you rolled onto your back, closing your eyes as you felt a wet tear roll down. Sniffling as you sat up, you couldn’t be here alone tonight. Not surrounded by everything, wearing his old hoodie he’d always give you when you were cold, surrounded by memories of what could have been. What was supposed to be.

Fumbling you stood up, ignoring all the pictures framed of your smiling figure hugging the love of your life. Covering your mouth to keep yourself from sobbing, Jimin would have to be up early tomorrow and you didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with you. Putting on your shoes you sniffled as you wiped your cheeks.

How late was it? Two in the morning? Maybe even three, you could never truly sleep anymore, not when you weren’t in his arms, not when every moment you breathed the ache filled you. Your feet took you to the only place opened this late; the convenient store. During nights when you didn’t have to work the next day Taehyung loved taking you here when you had a stressful day.

Always rambling about how nothing could cheer you up like a nice hot bowl of ramen. You couldn’t help but smile at the irony as the tears dripped down your cheeks. Wiping them as you entered the store. The cashier looked bored, headphones in and reading a magazine not even acknowledging your presence as you walked to where the ramen was held.

What you didn’t expect to do was ram into what felt like a brick, “Ah!” You stumbled as the man quickly grabbed you by the arms to keep you steady, taking a moment to steady yourself you glanced up only to feel your lips part, “Namjoon?”

“Y/n?” Namjoon hurriedly let you go, looking at you in somewhat disbelief as you flusteredly rubbed your eyes, realizing they were still wet with tears, “Are...are you okay?” He asked somewhat hesitantly as you turned away from him, tears flooding your eyes as your shoulders bobbed.

“Y-yeah.” You sniffled, trying to keep your breathing under control, “I’m okay.” You forced it out as you covered your mouth. Rubbing your eyes once more as you hesitantly took a peep at him, his expression said it all. Truthfully, anyone who had seen you like this always gave you that same expression. Pity. His brows pressed together and lips parted but frowning slightly, “I’m fine!” You forced a smile as another tear trickled down your face, turning away from him again you let out a soft sob as you closed your eyes.

“...Maybe we should get some ramen and sit down?” Namjoon offered while rubbing his neck, “I’m assuming that’s why you’re here?”

....

Glancing down at your cup of steaming warm ramen you sniffled, refusing to look up at the somewhat skittish man who seemed genuinely worried for you.

‘Come on baby, eat up, it’ll make you feel better’

Tears already blurred your eyes again as you closed them, letting out a soft sob, lips trembling as you chopsticks shook, slurping on your noodles as you suppressed your cries. The warm broth making you realize how hungry you were as you swallowed.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Namjoon offered, his expression sad, unsure of how to help you or even if he could, but it seemed he wasn’t leaving anytime soon as he began eating his own noodles.

You stayed silent as tears dripped down your face, clenching your cup with a death grasp as you forced the noodles into your mouth, closing your eyes as you savored them. Unable to even speak as you shook your head. You couldn’t talk about it...it was too soon. Even coming up on a year and it was still too soon.

You felt pathetic living like this, you were crying in front of a stranger while eating cup noodles at a gas station at three in the morning. Where would you be if Taehyung was still here? At home, asleep in his arms. Closing your eyes you let the tears slide down your face as you surrendered to the hurt you had been drowning in the moment your life was turned upside down.

For the first time, you were grateful to have company, even if you didn’t speak a word to Namjoon he made one sided conversation, rambling about how he had stayed up too late studying for an exam and how he was hungry but didn’t have anything at his dorm.

“I’ve been trying to keep my Bonsai tree alive but...gardening is kind of hard to learn,” Namjoon continued rambling on, confessing as he looked a little embarrassed, awkwardly leaning his seat as he mustered a weak smile while looking down at his cup.

His voice was...soothing to listen to admittedly. Namjoon was oddly poetic in the most unexpected way, he told you he loved philosophy and going to the art museum in his free time. He seemed to be able to find anything to talk about even if you weren’t receptive, but oddly enough he didn’t seem bothered by it.

You were curled up, your knees against your chest and hood burying your face as you listened to him intently, your eyes undoubtedly bloodshot but you had stopped crying a good ten minutes ago, sniffling as he sighed, “But from what I’ve read basically if it doesn’t vibe with the dirt it just dies.”

The snort that escape you made his eyes shoot up to look at you, a giggle breaking out on your lips as you stared at your noodles which had become lukewarm, sniffling a little as a tiny smile tugged on your lips, shaking your head as you mumbled, “That’s not exactly how gardening works. You wanna make sure the soil is good quality and damp, dry soil kills plants fast when they transfer pots, you also need to make sure the roots aren’t overgrown when you transfer it to a bigger pot.”

“Oh? I didn’t take you for a plant expert.” Namjoon quipped playfully, that pretty dimpled smile on his lips, obviously happy to get a not just a smile but also a laugh from you.

You glanced at him for a moment, your lips quirking a little as you raised a brow, shaking your head as you smiled back at your cup again, “I consider myself a bit of dirt viber.” You couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped you as Namjoon joined in. After a moment you paused as you exhaled softly, your smile eventually melting off your face as you meekly glanced at your cup.

“I should get home...work in the morning.” You mumbled as you glanced at your phone, it was already 3:30 in the morning and you needed to be up by seven...the latest if you didn’t want to be late again.

Namjoon nodded understandingly, giving you one last smile when you left. Once again alone, yet for the first time in what felt like a long time, your mind lingered on those pretty dimples.

“You look tired Noona.” You glared at Jungkook who was sucking on a lollipop, giving you a bratty smile as he tried to ruffle your hair only to earn a slap in return, a pout forming on his lip, “Did you think about what I asked?”

Bless the little brats heart, Jungkook was genuinely trying to get you out there again but you had become a shell. You didn’t want to go to parties, you didn’t want to go to the park, you didn’t even want to get groceries anymore. You just wanted to lay in bed for a very long time.

“I’m not interested in going out Jungkook.” You glanced at him tiredly, truthfully you had a good excuse, you were running on three hours of sleep and caffeine could only carry you so far for eight hours, rubbing your eyes you sighed as he whined with a groan.

“You always say that!” Jungkook pouted, much to your surprise Yoongi had shown himself out from his cave as he pushed the door open, a fresh platter of sugar glazed pastries on rack as Jungkook huffed, “Just this once, please?”

“Jungkook,” Yoongi warned as he glanced at the younger boy, taking a glance at you as he frowned, setting down the platter he picked up a pastry as he handed it to you.

Glancing down at the fresh baked soft flaky treat you sighed, “Is this what’s my life come too?” Both boys glanced at you as you stared at the pastry, “Pity pastries and being dragged to parties?”

You shoved the sweet treat into your mouth as you chomped down on the soft doughy material, the sweet crisp sugar glaze was crunchy against the soft warm dough of the pastry. “Well hey, if you don’t appreciate my pastries...” Yoongi tried to snatch the half eaten treat from you but you hurriedly shoved it into your mouth as you glared him down.

The door suddenly jingled, catching all of your attention only to see the bright smile of only the most genuine and sweet person you had ever met, much to your surprise a more bashful person was being dragged behind him, “Hey Y/n! Kook, Yoongi!” Hoseok waved happily as he bounced up to the counter, Namjoon rubbing his neck as he gave you a somewhat sheepish smile before hurriedly looking at the menu.

“Lemme get a caramel macchiato with a carrot cake bomb and...oh! Are those fresh sugar glazed pastries…!” Hoseok’s eyes practically sparkled as Yoongi cleared his throat, ears looking somewhat pink.

“Fresh out of the oven…” He mumbled causing Jungkook to snort- as if he was any better around guys or girls for that matter. You found it all amusing as you already began working on the macchiato.

“And Namjoon?” You turned to glance at him as he perked at the sound of his name, he glanced up at the menu as he hummed.

“Could I try the mystic mountain tea? It sounds really good…Oh, with a chocolate stuffed croissant.” Namjoon answered as Jungkook rang them up, Hoseok’s attention was solely on Yoongi and you could tell he was excited by the way his voice became all fluttery. Yoongi rarely ever left the back room where all the baking was done.

“It is,” Your back was turned from Namjoon as you spoke, “It’s made with mint, pine needles and chamomile but we use cane sugar with it to give it a nice sweet flavor. It’s one of my favorites.” You smiled as you turned to face him, setting down the macchiato as you grabbed another cup. Namjoon’s smile seemed automatic, his somewhat slouched figure before straightening and it seemed as if he didn’t even realize it.

“Oh so you like gardening and tea?” He playfully quipped, rolling your eyes you turned to face the brewer again as you felt a smile tug on your lips, “You seem like a woman of many weird talents.”

Pouring the hot water into the cup you set it down as you glanced over your shoulder, “Says the one that’s struggling to keep his Bonsai tree alive.”

“Hey!” Namjoon’s brows pressed together and his dimples popped out making you laugh, “It’s not my fault it’s petty and sensitive to literally everything.” You waved a dismissive hand as you walked to the door to the back, intending to get the jar of tea leaves that somehow made their way back there, “Keep telling yourself that.”

Your figure disappeared as Jungkook tilted his head, a mischievous smile on his lips as he hummed, glancing between the door and Namjoon’s lopsided smile as he commented, “You know, that’s the first I think I’ve seen her smile in the past two months.”

Namjoon glanced at him as he frowned, “What...do you mean?” He asked carefully, his thoughts going back to last night, your eyes bloodshot and tears staining your cheeks, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious. But a part of him was worried at the way you seemed so melancholy. He could see it in your eyes with every interaction he had. They always seemed so sad. Namjoon was happy, grateful even though he had gotten a few glimpses at what your smile looked like happy, bright, beautiful even…

Jungkook shrugged, not answering as you reappeared, opening the door with tea leave jar in hand as you scooped the leaves up into a metal steeper, “Alright this should be done in a few minutes.” Jungkook had meanwhile set out their pastries but it seemed like Hoseok had Yoongi trapped, his ears were pink and he looked ready to crawl back into his little hole once more.

“So you’re coming tonight, right Yoongi?” Hoseok flashed a bright charming smile at the brooding male who shifted away from him, “It’ll be a lot of fun, Jungkook is going.” To which Jungkook enthusiastically nodded.

“...I need to go check on my pastry puffs.” Yoongi mumbled, his cheeks bright pink as he hurried back into the kitchen as you snorted, an amused smile tugging on your lips as the doors rocked back and forth.

Hoseok’s lips tugging into a pout as he sighed, “Do you think he hates me?” He shoved the pastry into his mouth as he glanced at his plate depressively.

“Uh no, he’s just a panicked gay,” Jungkook clacked his tongue, “I wouldn’t take it personal. If I can’t get miss broody here to go I’ll make sure he does.” Jungkook wrapped an arm around you as you glared at him, making a cheeky smile tug on his lips.

“You won’t go Y/n?” Hoseok shot you puppy eyes as you sighed. Hoseok was a regular at the cafe and chummy with just about everyone, if he was a sim character you just knew for a fact he’d be a friend to the world trait to a T.

He had been coming here for the past month straight which made you wonder if Hoseok was the one who recommended Namjoon come here.

You shook your head, offering a weak, tired smile as you shrugged, “Not my cup of tea. Speaking of.” You whirled around, pulling the steeper out of the cup before dropping in three sugar cubes before popping on the lid, “Here you go.” You handed it over to Namjoon who looked excited to try, something subtle yet innocent in his expression as he poked his straw through and gave it a sip.

“You were right! No wonder it’s your favorite, it’s delicious.” Namjoon complimented, something about his sincere tone of voice, or maybe it was those stupid dimples of his. Whatever it was your lips tugged into a smile and yet, you felt...bashful? Lowering your gaze a little as you rubbed the back of your neck.

“You should try the lavender dream next time if you really like tea, it’s another good one.” You offered meekly, suddenly feeling a little timid under his gaze as you fumbled with your apron. A sudden well of feelings dowsing you. Insecurity, guilt, shame. Why did you feel so bashful in front of Namjoon...how could you when...When Taehyung…

It felt like a stab in your heart as you inhaled sharply, “I-I should go check stock real quick for pastries.” You mumbled, leaving all three boys dumbfound. Entering the back you grabbed your head as you felt your hands tremble.

Guilt

How could you betray Taehyung like this?

You shouldn’t feel this way.

You don’t deserve to.

Taehyung would’ve never done this to you.

How could you do this to him?

Your heart was beating frantically as your hands trembled as tears began to trickle down your face, “Hey, hey, hey.” Yoongi’s voice felt far away as your breathing became quick, thoughts racing and your hands shaking.

Unworthy

How dare you ever think about replacing Taehyung.

“Yoongi said you had a panic attack.”

You felt like a child being scolded, wrapped in three different blankets and four pillows surrounding you while you sat on the couch in front of Jimin who frowned in disappointment. Of course he was disappointed.

“It wasn’t that bad…” You mumbled, glancing down as you tugged the blanket around you further making Jimin sigh, sitting down next to you as he pulled you close.

“Why do you always lie?” He asked quietly as you curled against him, letting your head rest against his shoulder, the kdrama you both had been watching long forgotten. When you woke up you were home, comfortable and warm. And for a half a second, you thought maybe it was Taehyung who you were laying against. Much to your heartache it was Jimin when you opened your eyes.

You had been expecting this conversation for the past hour, and lo and behold, here you were, “It’s easier.” You mumbled, eyes beginning to blur as you scoffed a bitter smile, “I’m so pathetic, I can’t even face my own feelings. It’s just easier to keep it to myself.”

Jimin’s grip tightened around you and even though you couldn't see him you knew he was frowning, “But that isn’t healthy Y/n, you know it just as well as I do. I worry about you, everyone does. You aren’t a burden to anyone. It hurts watching you go through this alone when we all want is to help.”

And here it was the tears dripping down your cheeks as you shook your head, a weak sob escaping your lips as you mumbled, “If I talk about it, that means I have to accept he’s gone.” You choked out, “And I can’t do that Jimin. I can’t.” You sobbed as you glanced up at him, tears streaming down your face as you pleaded, “I can’t.” Almost a whole year and you were still in denial just as much as you were when you first got the phone call.

You were still just as devastated as you sobbed into his shoulder, his arms wrapped tight around you as he stroked your hair. It seemed like everyone had moved on by now. Taehyung was just a name in the past. A ghost you couldn’t let go of. Jimin was the bridge between you both, he was the reason you had met Taehyung at all, this man was like a brother to him. But even the pain for him had lessened with time.

“I miss him too Y/n. I do. But you’re going to have to let him go,” You rapidly shook your head, your breath becoming uneven as sobs escaped you, tears staining his shirt as he murmured gently, “Taehyung wouldn’t want you to be like this.” Tears couldn’t stop pouring from your eyes, you knew he was right. But you couldn’t let him go, not yet. Just a little longer. Just a little longer.

Taehyung was a ghost and you were desperately clinging to every remnant you had left of him. This man was the love of your life, your soulmate, you needed him. You needed him. How were you supposed to move on with your life when you had to live with the knowledge of what could’ve been. Your body violently trembled as you drown yourself in tears next to Jimin who was always so strong.

The only time you ever saw him lose it was when you bursted into the hallway in the hospital, his eyes were bloodshot and all it took was one exchanged look before a dam was released in his eyes. Maybe he had numbed himself to the pain, it was difficult to tell. Jimin let his nose bury into your hair as he inhaled softly, tenderly stroking your hair in the same way Taehyung always would in these moments.

‘Baby, hey…Shhh…Come on don’t cry. What’s going on?” You shook your head rapidly as you tugged away from Taehyung’s grip, his hands keeping you in place and his face twisted into worry before he cupped your cheeks, “Sweetheart.” He pressed his forehead against yours.

“i-I-It’s stupid…” You whimpered as you closed your eyes, shaking your head as he pressed a kiss against your nose encouragingly, sucking in a harsh breath you sobbed out, “I-I overheard your conversation with Hyuna.”

Taehyung immediately frowned as he sighed softly, his thumbs soothingly rubbing your cheeks as he mumbled, “Baby don’t listen to her. She’s just a jealous old ex.”

“She’s right.” You laughed bitterly as you refused to look at him, “I don’t deserve to be with somebody like you-”

“Hey.” Taehyung’s voice was stern, his hands making you look at him as he pressed his forehead back against yours as he mumbled, “Don’t you ever say that about yourself, okay? I love you Y/n, you’re my girl okay? I would never take anyone else over you.” You closed your eyes as your lips trembled, his lips soothingly pressing against yours as his thumbs stroked your cheekbones.

It was a gentle kiss, your favorite as you complied, chasing his lips as he tried to pull back, making him chuckle against your mouth as he pressed multiple little kisses on your lips before breaking away making you whine with a sniffle, “Come on baby, let’s go get you some noodles, I’m sure it’ll make you feel better.” He gave you a warm smile as he brushed your tears away.

Smiling you giggled a little as you wrapped your arms around his waist, hugging him tight as you mumbled, “What would I ever do without you?”

“Crash and burn probably.” Taehyung joked with that adorable boxy smile of his as you smacked his arm, leaning on your tiptoes as you puckered your lips. Tutting he leaned down pressing one more chaste kiss on your lips.

Crash and burn, you wanted to laugh, he wasn’t wrong. He never was.

Jimin had eventually gotten you to calm down, a cup of hot chocolate in your hands and your legs over his lap, still curled close, but enough away to keep your grip on your warm drink, “How has work been, hm?” Jimin asked, brushing a few strands of hair out of your face as you sighed.

Shrugging a little you sipped the sweet liquid as you mumbled, “Same as always. Met one of Hoseok’s friends recently, he seems...interesting.” You rubbed your forehead, trying not to think about what happened earlier that day.

“Oh? Well it’s good you’re making new friends. Maybe he’ll be good for you.” Jimin smiled, patting your head as you tried to swat it, “Friends always come into your life when you need them the most.”

You didn’t comment on that, choosing to drink your hot chocolate as you glanced at the TV. Maybe he was right, maybe he was wrong. You didn’t know, but you needed to be careful around Namjoon. If anything you knew that as sure as day.

You kept mainly in your thoughts the rest of the evening but Jimin kept you company the whole time, stroking your hair calmly while watching kdramas together. For the first time, you fell asleep easier tonight then you had in the last eight months.

——

You sharply inhaled as you clenched your fists, you were going to do this…! You could do this. You glanced up at the art museum in determination before stepping up the stone stairs towards the entrance doors. It was crowded today and usually you liked shying away from large crowds. But he never cared, always tugging you along with encouragement and laughter, somehow, he always made it so much fun.

Today a Degas exhibit was in town, the one Taehyung had been so excited about seeing, you still vividly remembered his bouncing figure as he shoved the flyer in your face. Your hands trembled as you opened the door. You wanted to see it today, for him. Clutching the Polaroid camera in hand tightly as your fingers traced against its smooth surface. He loved using this damn thing every chance he got.

He’d take at least a dozen photos of all the art pieces, even going as far as to shove the camera in your hands to pose in that dumb artsy way he always did. You felt the distinct smile tug on your lips imaging that brown burette on his head and those dark raven locks. Boxy smile reflecting back at you as he grabbed your hand tugging you along while spouting off random knowledge about whatever you were looking at.

You paused for a second, looking beside you as you felt a well in your throat at the sight of the crowd instead of your someone beside you. Closing your eyes you swallowed thickly as you forced yourself to breathe, trying to compose yourself.

With determination you walked up to the counter, purchasing a ticket to the exhibit before making your way down the massive lobby, artwork displayed on either sides of the walls and your shoes echoing against the smooth glossy floor. The exhibit was packed as expected but you stopped at each painting, letting your eyes draw over the dreamy muted yet colorful painting.

The Dancer On Pointe was the one Taehyung was looking forward to the most. Ignoring the ‘No Pictures’ sign you lifted up the polaroid camera, clicking it as the photo began to develop. Giving the photo a wave you smiled as you glanced at it. This was perfect.

Putting the camera and photo into your bag you made your way through the exhibit.

You looked at every painting intensively, hoping maybe the lense of your old lover would bless your vision and you’d be able to see it in the way he once showed you every single time. But to no avail, paintings were just paint, colors were just pigment. The magic was no longer there. Sighing you turned away from the paintings displayed beautifully, intending to leave before you smacked into someone, “Ah!”

“Oh I’m sorry!” The voice which had become all too familiar grabbed ahold of you to steady you as you glanced up to meet the eyes of Kim Namjoon, round specs between you and his gaze as he pushed them up against his nose, lips parting before twisting into a brilliant smile, “Y/n! Sorry I didn’t see you there!”

“O-oh...Hey.” You stepped away from him awkwardly, your gaze lowering as you tugged on a strand of hair, your heart beating faster but you could hardly tell if it was from anxiety or something else. You had been…you didn’t want to say you had been avoiding Namjoon but, he made you feel weird. In a way you weren’t sure you liked and you couldn’t even fully describe it.

“I didn’t know you liked going to the art museum! It’s nice seeing you here, I’ve missed you at work-” Namjoon suddenly coughed, immediately glancing away as he fumbled, “Not-uh- not miss, miss you but...you know…” He looked awkward and his eyes widened as he refused to look at you as if you’d turn him to stone if he did.

You snorted, unable to keep the smile off your face as you replied lowly, “No I get it, just bad timing,” Or you purposely scrambled into the back leaving Jungkook on his own everytime you caught sight of Namjoon opening the cafe door, “But uh, I’m...not actually a fan of going here.” You shrugged as you glanced down at your feet.

“Oh?” He tilted his head in curiosity, “Then...can I ask why you’re here? Or did you just wanna bump into me?” There was something...light -playful- in Namjoon’s voice as he flashed those dimples at you.

You kept your expression reserved this time making his smile dim a little as you glanced back at the painting, “I just came...for someone who couldn’t…” Your expression casted more gloomy this time as you wrapped your arms around yourself, looking back at Namjoon who seemed somewhat confused at your cryptic words, “I’ve never been a big art person.” You offered a weak smile.

“Well,” Namjoon hummed, giving you a small smile in return, “I hope that someone was able to enjoy your visit for them.” Your heart clenched as you glanced at his shoes, timberlands that blurred in your vision as you gave a bittersweet smile.

“Yeah…” You nodded as you glanced up at Namjoon, a frown immediately on his face at your glassy eyes and sad smile as you nodded, “He did.” You hadn’t even said his name and yet sadness had swept through your whole body like an ache you’d never cure. The longing you had for your soulmate who was gone, who you’d never wake up beside, who would never hold your hand again, who’s smile you’d never see as he pointed out all of his favorite paintings.

But Taehyung would be proud of you, wouldn’t he? Perhaps, if there was an afterlife, he would be an angel that was smiling while looking down upon you.

“Y/n…” You felt your lurch in your throat, as if it felt physically difficult to speak as Namjoon called your name softly, tufts of warm brown hair falling against his eyebrows as he asked with sincerity, “Do you wanna get lunch together? I know a great artisan cafe nearby.”

It was silent between you both for what felt like an eternity in nothing but a short second as you glanced back at the painting, and for a brief moment your eyes caught onto a sight of raven shaggy hair and an oversized brown cardigan. It looked all too familiar and your heart fluttered for just a brief moment until he turned around, not the face of your lover, but a stranger who embraced his girlfriend with a laugh.

Sighing, you turned to face Namjoon as you offered a weak smile, “No thank you, I actually have somewhere I’m supposed to be.” You couldn’t bear to look at him any longer, rather you chose to step aside and brush past him, feeling a melancholy gaze against your back but you refused to turn around.

Not when your heart ached and you felt so tired.

Stopping by the quaint little flowershop you had picked out a small bouquet of tiger lilies, his favorite, he used to love decorating the apartment to the brim with them, walking out of the shop you took a shaky breath of the cool air.

The evening sky was brilliant, Taehyung often remarked it was like God personally painted the sky every evening, always different from the previous day but just as beautiful in it’s own right. Your feet felt heavy on the pavement as you sighed, stopping at the arched gateway, glancing to your right where the sunset was shielded by the silhouettes of willow tree’s that gently swayed in a slow dance with the wind.

Stepping through you weave your way around the grassy corridors of walkways before you were near the middle of the cemetery, pausing in front of the gravestone where wilted flowers laid and dirt from the lawn mower had sputtered up against.

Kneeling down you gently wiped off the stone as your fingers gently traced the name of your lover, “I went to the art museum today,” Your eyes were already blurry as you smiled endearingly at Taehyung’s name printed on the stone, setting down the blossom of tiger lilies as you crossed your legs, “To go see that Degas exhibit we had made plans to see last Autumn. Ha…” You let out a short laugh as tears trickled down your face, “Do you remember when we got the catalogue in the mail? You knocked over your mug of coffee and it stained over half the pages,” You tried to keep your voice steady as a sob escaped you, rubbing your eyes as you gave a broken laugh, “You freaked out about it because it was hard to make out the dates but I told you to calm down and looked up the dates on the website.”

You wiped your face with your arms as you opened your bag up, grabbing the polaroid as more tears immediately dripped down your cheeks, “Here! Don’t you like it?” You asked as you set down the photo with the flowers, smiling despite the tears that welled in your eyes, “I know it’s your favorite, you wouldn’t stop gushing about it when you first saw the exhibit advertisement.”

It was quiet for a moment as you lowered your gaze, a whimper escaping you at the expected silence, tears dripping down your chin and splattering onto your hand as you sobbed, “Please come back.”

Your breath was trembling and desperate as you grabbed the gravestone, pressing your forehead against it as you tried to vividly imagine it was your lovers warm skin as your tears dampened the stone, “Please come back to me Taehyung. Don’t leave me alone. Please.”

Alone, you cried in the cemetery where your lover would permanently stay asleep.

“Just think about it Noona!” Jungkook whined as he grabbed your arm making you sigh as you turned to face him, “It’s a camping trip! We’ll be in nature, maybe you’ll feel better! I get worried about you sometimes.”

That wasn’t fair!

You crossed your arms as you sighed again, looking away from him as you felt guilty, not wanting to worry anyone but, you just needed time to yourself. You didn’t know when it would go away, if ever, but you just wanted to be by yourself. Alone were you could mourn in peace, where your heart could ache and tears could fill your eyes with zero shame.

Everyday that you spent ever since had become more and more painful. The ache became that much harder to deal, “Jungkook...you know I don’t like camping…” You mumbled as you turned away from him, rearranging some of the tea canisters to look busy.

“But you love gardening!” Jungkook whined again, fluttering beside you with those sweet doe eyes of his that always seemed to get you.

“There’ll be a log cabin,” Yoongi added as he appeared from the kitchen, setting down a fresh platter of bakery goods, “So it really isn’t camping, unless you’re gonna be Jungkook and set up a tent anyways.”

Jungkook flailed his hands as he glared at his elder, “What’s the point in calling it a camping trip if we aren’t going to camp?” Always the stubborn and hardheaded person he was, Jungkook insisted on his words as he crossed his arms with that pouty expression of his.

“Nobody called it a camping trip except you.” Yoongi turned to face him deadpan, Jungkook’s lips parted several times before defeatingly closing them as Yoongi snorted, “Yeah, exactly. Anyways, you should go. Shop is going to be closed anyways since Bang is going out of town to visit his parents. Unless you really wanna sulk in your apartment all week…” He shrugged as you sharply inhaled.

“I’ll think about it…” Jungkook immediately jumped, wrapping his arms around you as he smushed you against him making you squirm, “Thank you Noona! You’ll camp with me right?” He bounced in excitement as you pushed him away from you. Jungkook always had a lack of boundaries especially when he got excited.

“No.” You replied promptly as you turned around making him cross his arms with a humph, “Be happy I’m at least considering, you ungrateful brat.” To which Jungkook smiled cheekily. Sighing you leaned against the counter top with a hum. Maybe this would be good for you. You knew if Taehyung was here he’d be thrilled to go, immediately begging you to go with him and even saying he refused to go without you. You could never deprive him of something he loved and enjoyed.

Maybe...just maybe…

The doors just as always at twelve thirty rang as you all glanced up to see the embodiment of the sun wave and his moon beside him who was always more reserved, “Hey! You guys are going on the trip up to the cabin right?” Hoseok bounced up to the register as he set his hands up on it and leaned forward.

“Yes and we’re camping!” Jungkook wrapped an arm around your neck, squeezing it causing you to gag as you jammed your elbow into his stomach causing him to grunt before whining.

“No we are not!” You whipped around as you glared at him, your lips tugging into a pout of your own as you glared at the younger boy who stubbornly crossed his arms once more.

“Oh you’re going Y/n?” Hoseok clapped his hands in excitement as you glanced at the two men, instinctively lowering your gaze a little when you felt Namjoon’s eyes on you. They seemed sadder than normal.

Which wasn’t normal at all. Namjoon was- he always smiled, so why didn’t he today when your eyes met his?

“I might,” You admitted reluctantly, “I need to think it over.” Was he still thinking about your rejection at the art museum? Or your cryptic and weird words? Did he assume you were just a sad freak. A part of you desperately wondered why you didn’t see those sweet dimples today.

“Well don’t take too long,” Hoseok winked playfully as he grinned brightly, “We’re leaving Friday and we sure could use the company. Right Namjoon?” He elbowed the quiet man a little causing him to jolt before harshly glaring at Hoseok who seemed like a little boy who had a secret he was dying to tell.

Namjoon glanced back at you as he mustered a weak smile, but you could see in his eyes they weren’t glowing like they were before, “Of course we’d like you to come. But don’t feel pressured.” You nodded as you glanced back at the counter top. Unable to bear his gaze anymore. Trying not to overthink why he seemed so melancholy today.

Or perhaps he was always like this and your head had just played tricks on you? No...No you could remember Namjoon’s smile as clear as day, it was bright and lovely, his eyes glowed not like the sun- not burning and harsh- but like the moon, soft and almost nostalgic as if he lived every moment of his life with gratitude and peace.

So what happened? The only thing you could recall was what had previously happened. But surely he wasn’t upset about that? After all, he shouldn’t want to deal with a heartbroken girl who only knew how to cry.

Unless....No…”Well I better go get more chocolate bombs for the holder.” You mumbled as you turned around, pushing the door to the back open as you shoved your thoughts to the back of your head. You wouldn’t let your mind go there.

----

You couldn’t help but feel like this was a mistake, no matter how crisp and fresh the air was, the lake view was gorgeous and reflection off the water made it look like diamonds trickled against its surface. The car ride was over four hours and you were grateful to be on your feet with all the greenery.

You were definitely tired, not used to being around people so long outside of work after the past year. Feeling semi lethargic you let out a yawn as you rubbed your eyes, “Aren’t you excited Noona?” Jungkook curled his fists, his nose scrunched up like a bunny as he grinned like a child, “I told you it would be pretty here!”

You were tired, definitely, but you mustered a smile, a small one as you replied, “Yeah...it is.” You glanced back out over the lake before fixing your bag over your shoulder. Like Jungkook said, this would be good for you...hopefully...The cabin was fairly big and everyone, even you helped pitched in the rent for it for the next two days. Jimin was excited for you, telling you to try and enjoy yourself and if all else failed he’d come and pick you up.

You would certainly try your best to not let that happen though, of course Jimin would be willing to drive eight hours for you on a work day. Everyone was still outside, you could hear shouts and laughter, water splashing as you stepped inside the cabin.

It was warm and cozy, buried in neutrals and warm colors, blankets piled on the couch that sat in front of the fireplace. Walking around you examined each room before smiling a little, choosing the one that had a lake view, Taehyung would certainly love it. Pulling the polaroid camera out of your bag you lifted it up before taking a photo of the window. You’d make sure to bring it to show him when you came back home.

“I didn’t take you for polaroids.”

You jumped as your gaze snapped to the person who seemed to become all too familiar with you the past month now. Pulling the photograph out of the dispenser you gave it a little wave as silence sat between you both, “I’m not.” You mumbled as you carefully set the camera back in your bag, your thumbs edging the sharp stiff ends of the photo.

“Y/n,” You didn’t look up at him despite his voice sounding soft, feet gently padding against the floor and he was surely right behind you now, Namjoon’s voice soft, maybe even a little sad as he murmured, “Why do you always seem so sad when I ask?”

Letting your fingers trace against the photocard you let a small melancholy smile tug on your lips, “Because,” Your eyes blurred a little and your throat felt tight as you mumbled, “These things I do, going to art museums, taking polaroids, I do them because,” You turned to face Namjoon as a tear slid down your cheek, “He loved it. Even if I never did. I do it for him..”

Namjoon’s expression had hardened a little, he seemed lost, maybe even angry, maybe he was tired of constantly seeing tears in your eyes, he bowed his head a little, eyes seeming somewhat broody as he muttered, “I see…I’ll leave you to it, I guess…”

You weren’t sure why your heart clenched at the way his face seemed so forlorn, broody as he turned on his heels. Your throat squeezing and his name never reached your lips like you instinctively wanted too.

You thought that, maybe when he left you’d feel better, more at peace. But that broody expression haunted you as you sat up in the window seal loft, letting your knee’s curl against your chest as a dull ache came from your heart.

This ache was different, it wasn’t like the one you had anytime you thought of your soulmate. This was...different. New. Like something was wilted but still had a chance. Your chest felt heavy and your mind was telling you to go after Namjoon, to get him to smile and clear up whatever misunderstanding there was. You didn’t understand either, truthfully, what did you say to make him look like that?

You had opened yourself up and told him a little and he...he acted gloomy, as if life was sucked from his body. You didn’t understand but...but you’d like too...Watching everyone splash and muffled screams from the window you let your head press against the glass as you sighed. Closing your eyes, even in the crowdest places you always felt so lonely.

-----

It was a full moon out tonight, glossy and incandescent to anything you had ever seen. Oftentimes when you felt lonely Taehyung used to always tell you, ‘Just look at the moon whenever you feel lonely. Someone at that exact moment is looking at it as well. You’re never truly alone’

It always made you feel better, even now. Someone was probably looking at this same moon as you right now and you couldn’t help but wonder. What were they thinking? Was there a reason they were admiring such a beautiful sight as the sky? Carefully you slipped on your shoes, curling the cardigan around your body as you opened the main door of the cabin before walking outside.

Grassing brushing softly against your feet and crickets cooed with the rustle of trees and cool air, it was a little humid out but not hot enough to make you want to shed your cozy layer. Walking down the path you glanced up at the sky were the stars speckled across the deep midnight blue horizon.

You paused on your walk when you noticed a little wooden bridge, it wasn’t the cute sight itself but the person who stood on it, “Namjoon?” You called out softly to the man who was leaning over the railing, observing the moon that sat in the painted sky. He jolted before whipping around as you approached slowly.

“Y/n…?” He seemed surprised, of course he was, it was only two in the morning after all. You were supposed to be the only one out here right here, trying to clear your head, let go of what your heart didn’t want too.

Wrapping your arms around yourself you stepped onto the bridge as you murmured softly, “May I join you?” It was hard making out his facial expressions in the moonlight, but you thought maybe you saw hesitation on his face for a brief moment.

“Of course,” Even in the dark you could spot those pretty dimples, leaning back against the railing he hummed, “You’re always a pleasant company to have.” For some reason, his words took you off guard. They seemed...sincere, yet, distant perhaps? They seemed odd given the last time you had spoken.

You let your arms rest against the railing beside him, crickets sounding and the water gently lapped, even in the dark though the moonlight reflected against the water making it sparkle with assorted gems. It was quiet between you both yet the pressure in your chest swelled, the sudden need to apologize for earlier today. You weren’t sure why it felt imperative to do so. Or as if it was even necessary.

“I’m sorry if I said something wrong earlier-” “I’m sorry about what I said earlier-”

It seemed you were not the only one to have an apology on your mind. Both you and Namjoon had bursted at the same time before pausing, tripping over one anothers words before you stopped altogether. Glancing at him briefly before you both began to laugh softly.

“I’m sorry- uh you can go first!” You squeaked, glancing away from him as you looked back out over the water, letting your body lean against the old wooden grooves that scraped lightly against your skin.

Namjoon was silent for a moment before he replied, somewhat quiet, maybe even shy? “Well…” He drawled, “I just...wanted to apologize about earlier. My words were unnecessary and I shouldn’t have asked you such a personal question. You have every right to feel the way you do and it wasn’t my place to ask something like that.”

It was silent for another moment before you let your eyes flit to Namjoon’s figure, you could make out the silhouette of his face which seemed almost forlorn, in deep thought as he looked out over the moon, “Oh…” You mumbled, as you glanced back at your hands, fingers tracing the dry harsh groove of the wooden railing, “Well...I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…” You paused for a moment, what were you apologising for? “...being me I guess.”

You didn’t mean for it to sound depressing, but you supposed it was the truth, you felt like you had become nothing but a shell of a person since what had happened. Like you had become closed off, difficult to get to know, moody, temperamental. It was no wonder Namjoon was so fed up with your constant switch in behavior, “I know I’m...me...but...thank you for tolerating it. It’s nice having someone outside of my friends to talk to.”

“Don’t apologize for that.” Your gaze jumped to Namjoon, a little startled at how stern his voice was, you couldn’t necessarily see him but you could feel his sharp, judgmental gaze on your figure, “I’m sure you have your reasons. And truthfully, like I said. I just… had clouded judgment,” Namjoon murmured cryptically, “I let my emotions get in the way when I talked to you earlier today. I’m more than happy to be your friend Y/n! You aren’t a burden or something I’m just tolerating, I talk to you because I like you.”

You felt better but....something still felt withered inside you...you mustered a smile as you shrugged, “I guess so...I know I’m not always responsive sometimes...but...if we’re okay then let’s not talk about what happened anymore! What are you doing out here so late?” You didn’t want to dwell on what happened, it made you feel icky and gross inside even after clearing things up with Namjoon, you still didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away.

Namjoon laughed a little as he shrugged, “To think, I’ve always been a bit of a moon child honestly. Looking up at the sky always helps me clear my head. I should be asking you what you’re doing out this late.”

You rubbed the back of your neck bashfully as you shrugged, “I couldn’t sleep tonight, I like going out on walks, get out of my room, my head.” You glanced down at the rippling water, a frown on your face as you held in a sigh. Truthfully, you couldn’t sleep because Namjoon’s expression kept playing in your head. The way he seemed so distant and cold earlier, it bothered you to no end yet you didn’t understand why.

So you came out here to look at the moon in the open, feel the warm air on your skin and maybe you’d find whatever you were looking for. It seemed, what you had been looking for was Namjoon, and of course there he was, on this bridge. You didn’t know what this meant or what to take away from it. But you were happy you found him regardless.

“I can understand that,” Namjoon chuckled softly, his expression soft as he glanced up at the night sky, gaze still somewhat muted compared to before but...it still seemed sad, maybe the kind of sad where you just accept a situation for what it was, “Well, at least the moon brought us together.”

His gaze met yours as you mirrored his smile, a little bashful as you rubbed your cheek, looking out over the rippling water as you mumbled, “I guess it did…” Letting your chin rest against your arms as you stretched out your back. There was something… oddly comforting about Namjoon’s presence? You weren’t sure, but you liked it…

You really liked it.

“Have you ever considered that Plato was just on drugs the whole time he was writing?” You slurped on your noodles as you glanced up to meet Namjoon’s exasperated expression making you smile as you snorted.

“Dualism?”

“Drugs. Who the fuck thinks about the mind and body being seperated in like 11 AD?” You snorted again as Namjoon groaned, sinking into his seat. He had been trying to talk about his latest readings to you and you had been...not making fun of it! Just...making the conversation interesting, “No seriously, didn’t they burn women back then for just knowing how to read? It just seems so...primitive for philosophy to be introduced so early in time with all things considering back then….”

Namjoon rubbed his face as he sighed, unable to resist the smile that tugged on his lips as he clacked his tongue, “Alright fair enough, what do you suggest we talk about then if you refuse to talk philosophy.”

You puckered your lips, holding your chopsticks animately as you replied, “We could talk about how corrupt the patriarchy was throughout time and how men used religion as a way to justify the oppression of women and slavery?”

You snorted at the way Namjoon, for the first time in your friendship seemed speechless, perhaps impressed, or simply just stunned before he sighed with a shrug, “Alright fine, but first of all some women actually did have some say in different cultures. But it had a lot more to do with classism then gender. Take a look at the Spartans as examples.”

You held up a finger as you replied, “Except the only reason women received burials was because they gave birth to Spartans? I mean A for effort I guess,” You rolled your eyes, “But that doesn’t change the fact that women were only honored for giving birth to men, still seems like a convoluted way of saying women weren’t worth even burials unless they were of some use to men.”

Namjoon hummed as he rubbed his chin, “Fair point, really I think because-”

“Well look who it is!”

Both you and Namjoon jumped at the sound of a chipper loud voice, your lips twisted into a mild frown at the sight of Jungkook and Hoseok’s shit eating grins, without invitation immediately plopping down in the booth, Jungkook sitting beside you and Hoseok mirroring him, “So what are you two doing on this fine day?”

There was something in Jungkook’s tone that made you shift awkwardly, why did he sound like you both were up to something when you weren’t, rubbing the back of your neck you mumbled, somewhat reluctantly, “Well we were just having lunch…?”

“Oh, you mean like-” Hoseok suddenly grunted in pain, Namjoon harshly elbowing him as he cut his eyes at his best friend. You glanced between the both of them, it seemed like they were having a conversation by only facial expressions before Namjoon spoke up, “We were just talking about the oppression of women through history. Thoughts?”

Both Hoseok and Jungkook wrinkled their noses, never ones to get involved in these kinds of discussions no matter how true they may be. Rather than talk about that, it seemed they had come over to, what? Stir the pot?

“Nah,” Jungkook attempted to wrap an arm around your neck as you shoved him away, a grin on his face as he hummed, “I just haven’t seen Noona getting out as of late, it’s good to see you both together.” Now you were feeling weird. Rubbing the back of your neck you looked away from all of them, well aware of your expression becoming flatter by the moment.

Namjoon was beginning to look apprehensive as well as he coughed, “Uh, well, we were just eating…?” He seemed somewhat sheepish and even if it was unsaid you could tell he was trying to make it clear this wasn’t a date...Right? You had paused mentally for a moment, but...this did kind of seem like a date…

No, friends could hang out! You nodded to yourself silently, Namjoon was a friend and you needed friends, and in order to make friends you had to hang out! And even so, it wasn’t like Namjoon was interested in you and...you...you....a lump in your throat formed as you pucker your lips on your cup. No you weren’t gonna go there.

“Right…!” Hoseok gave a bright yet odd smile as him and Jungkook shared a laugh, as if they knew something you didn’t, “Well, we’ll just ah...let you two get back to it.” He winked as Jungkook wiggled a brow at you before they both got up.

You felt confusion wash over you as you watched them both walk away, frowning a little as you sank back in your seat, “That was weird.” Were the first words that tumbled out of your lips. On one hand you wanted to ask why they were acting like that but...wasn’t it obvious…?

Namjoon offered a weak smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah…” His reply was hardly a murmur though as he looked down at his pork bulgogi looking not nearly as hungry as he proclaimed he was twenty minutes ago.

The rest of your lunch had become...stale...no matter how hard you or Namjoon tried the air of what had happened with Hoseok and Jungkook lingered and continued to pester the back of your head. What were they trying to insinuate? That it was a date? Because it wasn’t…! You weren’t…! You could feel frustration tug inside your subconscious but you didn’t understand why.

Namjoon and you were currently walking on the sidewalk, namely back to your apartment which just so happened to be on the same path as one of Namjoon’s acqtuance’s house where he had promised he would help them study. The weather was nice today, the wind was blowing a cool breeze and the sun was warm on your skin. On harder days you often tried to sunbathe, to soak in it’s rays and feel it’s warmth. You had read somewhere that if you soaked up enough warmth that it would manifest into positivity.

Or maybe that was just something you made up to make yourself feel better? On dimmer days you like grounding yourself in your five senses, even if they seemed dull and void. Today was not a bad day though. Not for the weather and neither for you. In fact, it was perfect. The air was fresh and you could smell the lavender bushes on the sidewalk that had been planted waft with each blow of breeze.

“I’m really sorry for what happened.” You opened your eyes as you paused, looking at Namjoon who walked beside you, his cheeks looked a little red and he wouldn’t meet your gaze as you tilted your head, unsure of what there was to be sorry for. His gaze flicked to yours, seeing your confusion before immediately following up, “About Hoseok and Jungkook...ah…” He gave a somewhat weak smile as he looked away, hesitation in his eyes, “It feels like they made things weird…”

“No..!” You immediately shook your head, not wanting to make him feel worse by admitting they really did make you feel odd, but you were positive that was your own self projection, after all you had that tendency with Namjoon since you first met… “It’s fine, you don’t need to apologize.” You offered a soft smile as you began to walk again, Namjoon following along said to you as you continued, “It was weird yeah, but, I mean we’re still friends so…” Pausing in front of the entrance of your apartment complex you shrugged as you smiled, “Don’t worry about it! They’re just being dumb. Anyways, i’ll see you later.”

You offered one last smile before heading into your apartment, Namjoon deflating somewhat as he sighed, watching you walk away once again as he rubbed the back of his neck, kicking a small pebble that had surfaced from the pebble surface of the resident sign, “Yeah...friends…”

Namjoon decided to not linger on your words, the more he thought about it the more it stung and he didn’t want to act like a kicked puppy, you didn’t owe him anything other then your friendship he just...He sighed as he began walking to his friends home, surely he’d give good advice. After all, Seokjin was highly popular with women.

After arriving at his apartment Namjoon hadn’t intended on letting out as much as he did, but it was admittedly nice to unload all of his feelings without feeling obligated to hold back, if he told his best friend he knew Hoseok would only make things worse despite having good intentions.

“So,” Seokjin plopped the sucker into his mouth, leaning back on the bed as his eyes glazed over the textbook, “You what…? Wanna bang her? What’s the deal?”

“No!” Namjoon immediately objected before groaning as he sank back in his seat, unsure of how to explain, “I don’t just want to sleep with her…” He muttered, “I just...want to get to know her. But it feels like there's this…” He waved his hand around, “Invisible wall, like she doesn’t want me to get to know her. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything to make her like this though…” He paused a moment, evaluating all of his past actions. Namjoon was positive he was a nice guy, you owed him nothing but, he had hoped maybe at least his behavior would explain why you were like this yet...He genuinely couldn’t think of anything.

Well except maybe back last month at the cabin when he had gotten cold, the memory made him wince but...you had been even worse before then...So what was it…? Namjoon felt helpless as he glanced at his elder who shrugged loosely, pulling the sucker from his mouth as he replied, “Maybe it’s just her Namjoon. Regardless she doesn’t sound interested so you shouldn’t get your hopes up.”

Namjoon paused, could it just be you…? He never actually thought about it before, always assuming he was the problem. Not that you were the problem but, “I just wish things weren’t so easy to become awkward between us.” He sighed as he flipped the page of his book.

Seokjin eyed him curiously as he hummed, “Well what do you mean? Awkward how?” Seokjin didn’t consider himself a playboy like many would dub him but he had definitely gotten around enough to at least get an idea of how women worked emotionally, when to pursue and when to back off.

Namjoon shrugged as he replied, “It’s just...weird...I can tell she starts overthinking and questioning. Like it’s difficult for her to even go out for just lunch with me. Awkward like, just the idea of being on a date with me makes her wanna bail...that kind of awkward…” He slumped in his seat, “Am I really that unlikeable?”

Seokjin snorted, curving a brow at his friend who looked rather pathetic at the moment, “I think,” Tapping his lip Seokjin hummed, “She has some stuff she’s sorting out, and it’s not you. It’s just her, I’m sure if you asked her that, she’d say the same. If you haven’t been an ass to her in any way shape or form, it sounds like she’s just working through some stuff. Sucks but hey, you won’t know if you don’t ask…”

Namjoon groaned, he knew Seokjin was right, if he’d just got the balls and asked you he was positive you’d give him an answer...well- doubt filled his mind, “I think her last boyfriend left her, or...maybe he hurt her? I don’t know.”

This perked Seokjin’s attention, straightening a little as he curved a brow, “Oh?”

Rubbing his neck he shrugged as he weakly replied, “Yeah, she mentions some guy sometimes, whenever I ask about the things she does which she doesn’t enjoy. Like that polaroid she carries around, or she sometimes goes out to museums. I don’t know.” Jealousy oozed despite Namjoon knowing he had no right to feel jealous.

Just the idea of someone hurting you deeply upset and angered him though, especially if it was to the point of you closing your heart to anyone else, Seokjin pressed his lips together, “Huh...that is kind of weird. Well…” Seokjin rose a brow as he emphasised his words while glaring Namjoon down, “Guess you’ll never know if you don’t ask.” Namjoon could only muster a groan. Asking you had to be the worst idea ever.

----

“Come on! Noona it’ll be a fun way for you to get out!” You sighed in exasperation, looking away from Jungkook’s big puppy eyes that were just begging you to go with him, it was already hard enough to get yourself out of bed by noon today just to meet up with him for lunch let alone going to a party tonight.

“Jungkook,” You pressed your lips together, trying to look at him only for him to whine as he shifted in his seat, the food court in the mall was packed today with life and energy, you had promised Jungkook you’d help him shop for more dressy clothes today as he was...attempting to pursue someone. Whoever that may be as he was too shy to say, “You know I’m not into parties…”

“Just this once!” Jungkook begged as he laced his fingers together, sitting up in his seat with his lips jutted into a pitiful pout, “I’ll stay with you the whole time Noona! I think it’ll be fun! And if it isn’t we can go home the moment you say and- and I’ll buy you some kimbap and we can watch a movie of your choice!”

He drove a hard bargain, you sighed as you sunk into your seat, crossing your arms in thought, you supposed...there couldn’t be any harm in going…? You pressed your lips together as you closed your eyes briefly, just thinking about this made you exhausted but you knew Jimin would be ecstatic if you had went out tonight, he had been encouraging you to get out more and….”Okay let’s say, I went to this party...who would be there?”

Jungkook’s lips parted in excitement as you cut him off, “That I know.”

His lips immediately snapped shut once more, as his eyes dropped to the table somewhat sheepishly, “Look, Noona...Think of it like this, it’s a great opportunity to meet new people! Hoseok and Namjoon will be there! You know them! And they know people you could meet too! I’ll be there for what it’s worse…” He gave a bright bunny smile as you looked away from him, “Hey! Don’t give me that look!” He cried out with another pout on his face.

Taehyung and you both never enjoyed parties, he was a social butterfly sure but he always said he hated the taste of alcohol and besides, what was the point in going out when he could just stay in with you. It felt like a bitter prick against your heart at the bitter reminder. Right, you were gonna stay in tonight, maybe cry in the shower, wear that set of pajamas that used to match with his while watching a stupid romcom he loved.

“Woah, woah, woah! Hey Y/n.”

You closed your eyes as you put your hands on your face trying to cover the tears that rolled down your cheeks, “Sorry.” You sniffed as you felt both shame and embarrassment coil inside your body, all this time and you can hardly even think about him without crying still. It’s no wonder Jungkook probably doesn’t want to hang out with you.

“Noona!” Jungkook cried out, “You have nothing to apologize for, look,” He fumbled somewhat frantically as he gathered up the trash of your left over food, “You don’t have to go, it was just a suggestion! I don’t want you to be sad though so let’s go over to the Gap and I want your opinion on these two shirts okay?”

You sniffled as you rubbed your watery eyes, a snort escaping you as you replied, “The Gap has ugly clothing Jungkook.” To which he gasped in offense as you stood up with him.

“First of all don’t judge until you see, second of all you have horrible taste Noona, no offense.” You rolled your eyes despite the tiny smile tugging on your lips as you wrapped your arms around yourself. Maybe, Jungkook was right, and after all…he said he’d take you home if you weren’t having fun...

This was an awful idea. There was no backing out of this idea once you expressed your interest to Jungkook and he dragged you from store to store because this outing was no longer about him as it was finding something new for you to wear, he had even insisted on paying for it himself.

Jungkook was no longer in sight nor on your mind as he had been talking to Hoseok last you had seen him, who was cheerifully talking to him despite the shy look on his face. Of course he had gotten your permission, not wanting to leave you by yourself, just as he promised he wouldn’t. For as much of annoying brat as he was, he was also truly a sweetheart.

“Are you okay?” Your concern however, wasn’t on Jungkook right now given you were no longer downstairs as you paused and turned towards Namjoon who looked like he was having a mid life crisis despite being twenty four and at a frat party- but you supposed being younger than twenty one at something like this could cause that.

Namjoon’s eyes darted at the closed door and his mouth felt dry, opting to nod instead as you sat down on the bed. Truthfully you had made the pack to just stick to Jungkook tonight and let him do the talking but it was by chance you bumped into Namjoon here who had also been dragged to this party by his friend- Seokjin who was apparently a frat brother at this fraternity.

It was loud and the whole place reeked of weed, whoever wasn’t locked in a haze was definitely drunk and it had been over all unpleasant.

The one saving grace you had found was Namjoon, it was too loud downstairs and with Jungkook off with Hoseok you kept getting interrupted by other people asking for him. Finally asking if Namjoon would like to go upstairs where it would be more quiet.

And here you were, “It’s nice up here.” You glanced around the semi clean room, “At least it smells like Axe.” Which wasn’t much better than marijuana but you’d take it.

Namjoon snorted as he plopped down on the bed, a humored smile on his lips as he replied, “Yeah it just smells like a middle school boys locker room.” He laid back against the bed as he stretched out, closing his eyes as he soaked in the atmosphere, today felt...different...he wasn’t sure how but, he liked it.

You seemed happy today, or at least you looked happy. And you were smiling more at work. Namjoon really liked your smile, “Hey,” He hummed as he opened his eyes and glanced at your upright figure, “Why did you come tonight? I thought you didn’t like parties?”

You gave a somewhat sheepish laugh as you shrugged, running a hand through your hair as you replied, “Ah well…” You seemed a little flustered as you glanced away from him- not wanting to admit that Jungkook had nearly cried from begging you to come because he really wanted you to at least try it just once, all in the name of getting yourself back out there, but the one leading motivate that he continuously brought up, was Namjoon, “Jungkook wanted someone to come with him. He gets worried about me occasionally.” You rolled your eyes briefly despite the small smile on your face, “Says he doesn’t want me to become a hermit.”

Namjoon’s expression softened a little, that was something else he never quite understood, were your friends just that caring…? It seemed a bit unnormal the way they always eyed you with concern despite you brushing them off, “It just shows he cares.” Namjoon offered a smile as you sighed, flopping down onto your back next to him as you glanced up at the ceiling.

“I know,” You admitted as your smile slowly formed into a frown, your gaze hardened at the dirty ceiling as your brows pinched together, “I just…” You inhaled sharply, sounding somewhat frustrated as you sighed, “I just wish they’d treat me normal sometimes...you know? It’s nice knowing everyone supports me but…” You felt a bitter smile curl on your lips, “I can always see the pity, like I’m just a kicked puppy that needs a little love…They all mean well but…”

“I can understand why you’d feel frustrated,” Namjoon spoke up, rolling over to face you, sincerity in his eyes as he spoke, “I wouldn’t want to be treated like that either. It’s hard being in a room full of people who all look at you like you’re broken when you aren’t.”

His words hit deeper then you wanted to admit, your throat suddenly feeling restricted as you glowered at the ceiling trying to blink back tears. Perhaps it was the realization that people do look at you like you're broken. Maybe you were, afterall, you weren’t the same anymore. You could barely hold a smile on your face anymore.

You suffered long nights full of dreams of torment and tears in your waking hour to numbness and wondering why life was even worth living. You had debated on the fall from your window and you had even wondered about the knives in the kitchen drawers. You felt your lips twitch into a bitter smile as you laughed, feeling tears drip down as you replied, “I’d think the same if I were them. I don’t even blame them.”

Namjoon sat up as he frowned, looking resentful at your words as you wiped your face, “Hey.” You sniffed a little as you sat up, wiping your tears on your sleeve, “You aren’t broken, people shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

“You’re just saying that because you're nice.” You scoffed as you glanced down at the bed, your eyes glaring despite the blur, you fought with yourself at night on why Namjoon was even friends with you, surely he just thought you needed help. Needed friends. Why did it hurt to think of it like that? It’s what you wanted, right?

You squeaked in surprise at Namjoon’s large hands suddenly cupping your face, forcing you to look him in the eyes as you were taken back on how intense his stare was, anger evident on his face as his jaw clenched, “Don’t assume that. You aren’t broken and I don’t look at you like you need to be fixed okay?” His expression softened a little as he watched your eyes begin to blur again, your shoulders shaking as sniffled, trying your damnedest to not cry as you gritted your teeth.

Defeatedly you closed your eyes as you let your tears fall, why couldn’t you stop crying? Why was everything so confusing and why did it all have to hurt? Namjoon let his thumb rub across your cheekbone, wiping away the tears that dripped down as you closed your eyes, “I don’t care what’s happened okay? I just want to help you be happy again.”

“I don’t deserve it,” You spat out as you choked on your tears, unable to even look at him, you felt so useless, worthless, all of the life left your body with Taehyung when he- your breath escaped you, catching yourself as you nearly choked on the influx of tears. It didn’t matter anymore, nothing mattered anymore. He was gone and he wasn’t coming back.

Namjoon could feel his heart crumble with every tear that dropped down your face, his thumbs soothingly wiping every drop away, “Yes you do. Please, don’t say that about yourself.” Namjoon felt like a faucet and he couldn’t stop the overflow of emotions, unable to keep it to himself any longer when you were so obviously in pain. When you hated yourself for reasons unknown to him, “You will always be worth it to me, okay?” He pressed his forehead against yours, his smile pained as you squeezed your eyes tightly shut, “There will never be a day I don’t think that?” He said breathlessly, his eyes dulled and pained at your sobs, “Don’t cry love.” He spoke softly, closing his eyes, letting the warmth of your skin seep against his as he rubbed his thumbs over your cheeks.

“I don’t know how. I-I’m sorry....” You mumbled as you sharply sniffled, trying to calm yourself down as your heart ached. You thought for sure you had gotten better, but it became apparent you were just trying to block Taehyung out, and you couldn’t do that. He didn’t deserve it. Taehyung absolutely did not deserve to be blocked out of your memory or forgotten.

“Shhh.” Namjoon hummed soothingly, his nose rubbing against yours, his fingers tracing down your jawline, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Your lips trembled at the feeling of his warm breath against your skin, you could feel the hesitation from him, just a ghost of brush from his lips as you sniffled before he fully pressed his lips against yours.

The kiss was wet, not in a very pleasant way, tears beginning to stream down your cheeks as his lips began to tenderly stroke against yours, his hands so warm against your face as you sobbed against his mouth, parting your lips at the feeling of his soft lips that felt so right against yours. It was like intimacy and warmth you craved.

The kiss which was gentle quickly turned more heated, your body immediately crawling closer to his as your lips parted for him, his tongue immediately pushing past to enter your mouth as dominance was immediately one, a soft moan escaped you as long fingers trailed down your face to your neck. Your body was lighting up at the memory of those long fingers wrapped around your throat, the heat of his body against yours.

All the sleepless nights you spent together moaning in passion. Taehyung’s hands trailed down your waist, squeezing tight making you whimper as you crawled into his lap, seeking the comfort only he could bring as you let his tongue lap and force yours into submission in a sloppy wet kiss.

The knock on the door immediately made you jolt, opening your eyes only to let out a yelp. This was not Taehyung- but Namjoon. You frantically fell out of his lap, all too aware of your shocked expression and tear stained face as you wiped your mouth...You just...kissed Namjoon...The twist of betrayal in your heart wouldn’t stop stabbing as the door opened.

Namjoon’s lips had parted, looking somewhat frantic to apologize and explain himself when he saw how devastated your expression was, “Oh- uh sorry.” Seokjin looked somewhat sheepish to see the both of you, a girl peeping behind his shoulder looking somewhat embarrassed herself, “Were we um…?”

“No!” You sharply replied, getting off the bed as you felt your hands violently tremble. You just...you just kissed...you imagined...you thought…“You didn’t.” You rushed past the both of them as you the music pounded into your head and it was like the lights became blurred but not from tears anymore. All of your senses were on overload as your mind sneered at you, you just kissed someone who wasn’t Taehyung, as if he didn’t exist, it didn’t matter whether or not you thought it was him. It wasn’t. It wasn’t Taehyung, how were you ever supposed to forgive yourself?

“Y/n! Y/n!”

You didn’t stop until you were suddenly yanked back, “Y/n please,” Namjoon looked at you pleading, “I’m sorry, I overstepped my boundaries and I shouldn’t-”

“I don’t like you Namjoon.” Your heart was frantically beating out of your chest as tears began to blur in your eyes, shaking your head as you pulled from his grip, “This- it wouldn’t work. Don’t waste your time.” Your voice was ice cold despite the tears dripping down your face as you glared at him, the hurt in his eyes was unmistakable as you turned around.

Your body in shock as you closed your eyes, letting the tears slide down your cheeks. Walking downstairs you bumped into the person you were just looking for. Jungkook had first smiled upon seeing you before his expression immediately became worried, “What happened?” He was by your side instantly.

Sobbing you covered your ears, the music and lights too much as guilt ate you alive, “I wanna go home Jungkook.” You felt like a child as you wrapped your arms around yourself, Jungkook immediately wrapping an arm around you as he guided you out of the house.

How could you ever function after this…?

“Y/n please, we’re worried.” Jimin kneeled down in front of you as your body trembled, burying further into your blanket curled up on the couch as you shook your head. You couldn’t even speak about what happened without feeling the violent urge to throw up.

How could you ever do that to Taehyung? What would he think? Closing your eyes you sobbed once more as you heard Jimin demand, “What happened? What do you mean she came downstairs crying?”

Jungkook sat beside you and had refused to leave your house despite it being three in the morning, concern washed on his expression as he replied, “I don’t know! She and Namjoon went upstairs for a while and then she came back down crying and asked to come home. She wouldn’t talk the whole way home.”

Just the sound of his name sickened you, your fists curling against the blanket. You couldn’t be angry at him, after all, you had enjoyed it. You craved it. You were the one who was disgusting. Jimin rested his hands on the couch as he looked at you with a frown, “Y/n…” His heart broke at the sight of your crumpled figure buried in blankets, “Did he take advantage of you? What happened?”

“I imagined him…” You sobbed as you whispered, lips trembling at just the mental imagine in your head, looking up at them with tears welling as you confessed, “I kissed him and all I could see was Taehyung.” You buried back into the blankets as you sobbed, tears staining the warm cotton as you closed your eyes, “I miss him so fucking much. It hurts, it hurts to even breathe knowing he's dead. What’s the point in even being alive if he isn’t here with me? I’d do anything to be with him again. I can’t fucking do this anymore.”

You curled up as you squeezed your eyes shut, confessing every single thought that had built in your head, “I can’t…!” You couldn’t even register who was hugging you or who was saying what anymore, it was all a blur.

You weren’t even sure when you fell asleep.

Waking up your head was groggy and you groaned, when did you get in bed and... why was Jungkook here? Jungkook was curled up next to you, his breath in a soft rhythm as you sat up, rubbing your head as you began to recall the night before, your suddenly squeezing as you swallowed back the shame and guilt.

Stupid

Stupid.

You should’ve kept it to yourself- you were never supposed to say anything you said last night…”Hey…” You coiled away from Jungkook’s soft voice, deeper than normal as he had obviously just woke up, if he didn’t think you were a kicked puppy before he definitely does now, “Hey…:” His voice was considerably softer as he sat up, a frown on his lips as he spoke, “You don’t need to feel ashamed for last night Noona...it’s good to get that stuff out…”

Pressing your hands against your face you felt absolutely mortified as you remembered in vivid detail what happened at the party, “I kissed Namjoon,” You whispered under your breath, “And all I could see was him.” You swallowed the thick knot that squeezed in your throat as you felt Jungkook comfortingly press his hand on your shoulder.

“It’s a process Noona,” Jungkook felt his lips quiver a little, not liking seeing you in such despair, you often hid it well but overtones always lingered, it hurt seeing you like this, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” A soft knock on the door sounded through the room before it opened, Jimin poking his head in as his eyes turned sad at the way your body curled into itself.

“How are you feeling?” Jimin sat on the edge of the bed as you snorted.

“Like crap.”

You could hear them both chuckle and you even felt your lips tug into a smile briefly before they quivered back into a frown, “God, I’m sorry guys…” You felt awful, you ruined both of their nights and probably their sleep, just to listen to you cry.

They both were immediately objecting as you inhaled slowly, sinking into yourself as Jimin sighed as well, his gaze soft as he pressed his lips together, silence taking over the room before he slowly spoke, “Y/n...I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but...I think maybe, we should get you help…” You parted your lips, wanting to object but he continued, “You need help. Y/n,” His lips quivered a little, “I lost my best friend,” His eyes looked glossy as he forced a smile, “I can’t lose you too. Please, at least for a week, for me.”

You lowered your gaze as you rubbed your face, maybe it would be for the best, you were beginning to see things that weren’t there, Taehyung was everywhere you looked, you could never escape the ghost of him no matter how hard you tried, “I…” You glanced at the sheets in resignation as you sighed, “Okay…” You mumbled, “I’ll give it a try.”

Only because you didn’t want them to worry over you.

----

Namjoon couldn’t say for sure what had happened, but he knew, deep down, he had fucked up. Running a hand through his hair he groaned as he paused at the shop in front of him. He knew seeing you now was a bad idea, you’d probably go to the back room and you wouldn’t want to talk to him.

But he just…! He just needed to know why. Why couldn’t he be with you? He never meant to fall in love with you, but he loved your smile you rarely showed, or the way you’d give witty comments to every subject he’d try to be serious about. And for once, he loved being not serious. With you. Did he go too fast? Should he have waited?

Namjoon almost didn’t want to go inside, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to handle the rejection, sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long you wait, some people are just not interested. But he was so sure you were, your eyes always seemed so bright and lit up when you laughed together, or how it would soften and you’d listen intently to his worries. He just needed to know…!

Determined he opened the door to the shop where his lips immediately quirked into a frown. Jungkook had just finished serving a customer when their eyes met, a frown also on his lips as he looked away, “Jungkook…! Where is she?” Namjoon must have looked pathetic, his eyes pleading as he hurried to the counter where Jungkook shied away from him, straightening out some of the coffee canisters as he turned his back to Namjoon, “Hyung….I don’t think that’s a good idea.” He mumbled, somewhat meekly as he figidied.

Namjoon pressed his hands against the counter as his gaze hardened, “Is she not here?” Of course you weren’t here, he should’ve known you’d take the day off to avoid him. If the need to speak to you wasn’t imperative before it certainly was now, “Jungkook please, I just need to know.”

Jungkook pressed his lips together as he turned around, frowning as his big doe eyes searched his elder, unsure if you’d appreciate him spilling what had been going on. And truthfully it wasn’t his place either, Jungkook sighed as he spoke reluctantly, “It’s not you Hyung, it’s her...She knows that better than anyone. I won’t say anything because It’s not my story to tell...I’ll talk to her about it and if she says it’s okay I’ll let you know where she is. Okay?”

Namjoon could feel his lips tremble a little before lowering his head in defeat, Jungkook’s expression was serious and if this was the best he could get then he’d just have to take it, Namjoon felt pathetic and desperate but he just needed to see you. To at least know you were okay. Your expression wasn’t just shocked at the party...you looked devastated. He didn’t understand and he wanted to, he needed to so badly.

“Thanks Jungkook.” He muttered with a sigh as he rubbed the back of his head, his phone vibrated in his pocket for the fifth time, Seokjin had been blowing up his phone the whole morning, apologies and questions had been spammed and he supposed, he’d stop by the frat house and sulk.

Jungkook offered an apologetic smile as Namjoon sighed, trudging out the door in defeat as he stuffed his hands into his pockets, the frat house was a short walk from the cafe and he had spent the majority of the time trying to gather his thoughts into something comprehensible for his friend to dissect.

“You could’ve at least sent me a text!” Seokjin scolded as he opened his bedroom door letting Namjoon walk in, the bitter reminder of the same bed he had sat on not too long ago and let his emotions get the better of him. He couldn’t help himself though, he couldn’t stand watching you cry much less sob, and he had seen you in that state so many times. He just wanted to help, he wanted to make you feel better.

Seokjin frowned as he paused from his scolding at the way Namjoon dejected collapsed on his bed, walking over he searched the man’s empty expression as he sighed, “What did you do?”

“I ruined everything.” Namjoon sulked as he pressed his hands to his face, “I kissed her and she looked at me like I was a ghost. I asked Jungkook where she was but he won’t say anything.”

Seokjin hummed as he sat on the edge of the bed next to his friend, “Maybe she just needs time to sort out her feelings. I talked about it before but it’s pretty apparent now that she obviously has a lot going on, Namjoon.”

Namjoon knew that had to be the case, otherwise you’d already be apologizing when you didn’t even need too, right? You’d be trying to fix whatever that was last night, and hey, he’d rather have you as a friend then not at all. He loved talking to you, hearing your thoughts on life and the way you perceived the world.

When you first began talking, your world seemed dim, as if you filtered the world in only shades of grey. But the more you spoke and the longer things went on, the more Namjoon noticed you opened up, color began to flood into your world again in soft tones and smiles. He adored it.

“I just wish she’d let me help her.” Namjoon mumbled as he rubbed his eyes, “I hate seeing her cry, and I hate seeing her push me away, and it would be one thing if she didn’t like me, but you want to know the worst part Seokjin?”

Hurt quivered in his veins as he sat up, glaring down at the ground as he felt a bitter smile twist on his lips, “I can tell she does, why else would she want to talk to me after everything that’s happened? So why won’t she let herself just…! It’s so frustarting!”

Seokjin sighed, unable to help but feel a little bad for him, it was obvious somewhere down the line friendship and something more had become blurred, “I know man,” Seokjin consoled, “Just give it time. She’ll come around when she’s ready.

Three weeks.

That’s how long Namjoon had spent sulking, lectures he once listened to eagerly had become background noise, flavors seemed less vibrant and nothing was the same without you. By the sixteenth day mark he had almost given up, feeling despondent, he had stopped by the shop a few times only for Jungkook to shake his head in apology.

That was until today. Namjoon’s eyebrows shot up and his heartbeat felt like it was going to burst out of his chest, “Ah...well, we can go after I get off shift, if that’s okay?” Jungkook offered a small smile, happy to see his Hyung looking a little more upbeat then he had before. It was truly a sad sight not only seeing Namjoon but you look like kicked puppies the past few weeks.

“Yes! Yeah that’ll work…! Jungkook, thank you so much, you- you have no idea how much this means to me…!” Namjoon fumbled over his words, his smile bright and lit up, excited to see you again even if it was to just apologize over and over again.

Jungkook smiled a little as he shrugged, “I haven’t done anything, Noona is doing a lot better and she asked when I visited yesterday if you could come.”

Namjoon nodded taking in his information before pausing….visited? As in, at her house? He didn’t quite understand but regardless he was glad to hear you didn’t hate him, or at the very least you still wanted to talk to him. Namjoon would take almost anything you handed him now. Some may find it sad but he was desperate, for closure at least.

Sitting down on your bed you hummed, letting your fingers drag against the pages of the book you had been reading during quiet time for the past two weeks, Jimin and Jungkook visited you nearly every day for visitor hour but when you got the chance you’d try to read, like now.

Perhaps you were just trying to calm your nerves, you had asked Jungkook yesterday if you could see Namjoon...the past month had been...long...filled with tears and exhausting nights. You hated group therapy and the nurses constantly battled you when it came to any sort of physical activities. But as the weeks went on you reluctantly began to open up more, particularly during your singular therapy sessions, which helped the most.

‘Tell me Y/n, you said earlier that Taehyung was the most and loving man you ever met,’ you nodded at her words as she spoke, ‘And you have also said that you can’t allow yourself to fall in love because you’d of your fear of forgetting him.’

You looked at your lap as you didn’t comment, unable too, it felt good...to be able to just spill everything to someone who was listening objectively, your therapist wasn’t looking at you like a kicked puppy, her eyes weren’t dripping with pity, she simply was listening, ‘Yeah…’ you mumbled as you folded your hands together.

“Have you ever considered that, if Taehyung is truly as lovely as you describe him to be, that he’d genuinely want you to move on? That he would always want you to be happy? If he’s as kind as you say. Acceptance is never easy Y/n, especially when you’re grieving the love of your life.”

You hung your head as you felt your eyes water, a sniffle escaping you as she pushes the tissue box over to you as she gave a gentle smile, “But Taehyung would want you to be happy. I want us to target why you feel this guilt every time you try to open up to Namjoon,” She clicked her pen, “You’ve said in the past, you feel guilty because you feel as though Taehyung is judging you, but in reality Y/n, the only person who is judging you, is yourself. The only person who is stopping you from receiving this love, is you.”

Grabbing a tissue you wiped your eyes as you sniffled while shaking your head, unable to speak no matter how much you wanted too as she continued, “These things you’re talking about are symptoms of depression, the guilt you feel is your superego saying you don’t deserve to be loved because you would be betraying someone who is no longer here. This doesn’t make your feelings invalid, but,” She clacked her tongue, “I’d like us to work together to rein in the superego and get back to the root of your consciousness. On your own time, I’d like you to have Namjoon pay a visit and talk with him, but in the moments of doubt, when you’re mind is telling you to pull away or that you don’t deserve something, I want you to consciously and actively tell yourself that it’s okay to love again. It’s okay to move on, it’s okay to let someone else in’

‘What if I’m not ready to face him?” You sniffled, somewhat horrified at the idea of seeing Namjoon again, how could you ever face him after something so embarrassing?

‘You’ll never fully be ready to face someone Y/n,” She replied, ‘But the first step to letting go, in your case, is telling yourself, that it’s okay to be loved again. It’s okay that you’re exploring love again. The only way to accept your feelings and your loss is by moving on. Let yourself open up to Namjoon, tell him the reason your like this and it will make you feel a lot better.’

You weren’t sure if you were ready to see Namjoon but...you felt guilty, guilty for lashing out at him when he didn’t deserve anything and...your fist curled as you inhaled sharply ‘it’s okay to love again’ that’s what your therapist told you and told you to repeat to yourself anytime you were flooded with any feelings of guilt.

Leaning against the wall your fingers dragged along the line of words, trying to read but your mind wouldn’t focus. Jungkook would be here soon with Namjoon, your roommate, a young eighteen year old girl was out in the dining area with her boyfriend right now. She had been emitted by her parents due to her depression but she told you the only time she felt excitement was at six o’clock every day, knowing he’d be here.

Love really could heal, couldn’t it?

The knock on your door made you jump, the nurse Kang Min Soo opened the door, she was the one who shuffled you from activity to activity during the day, offering a small smile she said, “You have visitors Y/n.” Straightened a little you nodded as she opened the door, your heart beating wildly in your chest as your eyes first met with Jungkook who offered a gentle smile, the taller figure of Namjoon behind him, eyes curiously searching his surroundings before meeting yours.

Unable to hold his gaze you dropped it to your book, closing it as you set it on the bed, “Hey guys…” You mumbled, feeling a little shy as you shifted a little.

“I know you wanted to talk,” Jungkook hummed, looking a little brighter today then he had within the past weeks, “So I’ll give you both a few minutes. Jimin should be here in about fifteen minutes.” You nodded, murmuring a thank you as he nodded, offering a smile to the both of you before he exited, shutting the door.

It was quiet for a few seconds as you curled your knees into your chest, “...I’m really sorry…” You mumbled, feeling somewhat pathetic at being unable to even meet his gaze, Namjoon was still quiet and you weren’t sure if that was a good sign or not, “...I know I haven’t been the most transparent…”

The bed shifted a little as you glanced up meekly to see Namjoon sit down a good distance from you, looking a little careful in his expression before he suddenly blurted out, “There’s another guy...isn’t there?” He looked sullied all of a sudden, casting his expression on the ground, “You don’t have to tell me. It’s obvious you’re in love with someone else.”

“He’s dead.”

Namjoon’s gaze up shot so fast he could hardly process your words, his lips parting as he searched your broken expression, eyes watering as you laughed a little, a smile tugging on your lips as you continued, “Namjoon- I loved him, so much.” You glanced up at him sincerely as the tears trickled down your cheeks, the smile looked so bright yet so sad as you sniffed, “He was my soulmate.”

Closing your eyes you rubbed them as the wet substance stained your skin, “I’ll never forget that night. It was so stupid. Taehyung- he- he had worked overtime that day and got off shift late. Kept texting me saying how excited he was to get home and eat what I had made.” Your soft gaze became a fiery glare as you mumbled, “But by eleven he wasn’t home...and I waited...and waited...and then I began to get worried. It wasn’t until 11:30 that I got a call.”

Squeezing your eyes shut you forced a laugh, “It was an accident, a stupid fucking accident. Neither made it. The car pulled out too soon without enough time for him to stop, the car ended up flipped and they rushed him to the hospital, by the time I got there they had to rush him into surgery.”

It was quiet for a moment as tears streamed down your face, covering your sob with your mouth as you shook your head, “Three hours and I never even got to say goodbye. Jimin was against the wall in tears and I don’t even remember what the doctor told me. Just saw a glance of his body in the hospital bed before the door shut…. Sometimes I still wonder, if I had just told him to not worry about the extra hours, if he’d still be here. He would’ve listened, he’d do anything to make me happy…” Pressing your hands against your eyes you bit your lip to keep down the sob as you muttered, “But it doesn’t matter now, he’s gone…” Wiping your tears away you took a shaky breath, “I’ve been in denial, not wanting to accept reality for what it is. That he’s gone...that he’s...dead...that he isn’t coming back. When I kissed you,” You felt new tears already welling in your eyes as you lowered your head in shame, “You made me feel better, and I loved that feeling so much. But all I could imagine was him. It’s not your fault...you don’t deserve to be dragged along because of me.”

“Hey…” You covered your face as you felt arms wrap around you pulling you into a hug, you couldn’t help but crave the warmth of Namjoon, his steady heartbeat of still being alive, did it make you a sinner to crave his touch? “I...I’m so sorry Y/n, I had no idea...that was what you were going through.” He squeezed his arms around you as you curled against him, too weak to try and fight what you wanted so badly, “But I’m not going to leave you just because of this.”

Covering your eyes you tried to stifle your sob, guilt eating away at you at the idea of leading Namjoon on, he deserved to be loved by someone who could give him their all.

You couldn’t.

“Don’t cry,” Namjoon’s lips coiled endearingly, those dimples poking out as he tenderly stroked a hand through your hair soothingly, “We’ll get through this, and we can go as slow as you want. But I’m not going to leave you. Not now, not ever. Okay?”

He leaned down, pressing a kiss against your forehead as you closed your eyes, tears trickling down your face as you tried your best to push the toxic thoughts that invaded your mind away. Taehyung would want this, wouldn’t he? Right? Remembering what your therapist said you repeated the words mentally, it was okay to be loved again. It was okay to move on.

“Are you sure you really wanna try this?” You sniffed, rubbing the tears from your eyes as you looked up at him, lips quivering as you tried to smile, your mouth faltering as you choked out, “I’m a girl with a whole lot of baggage Namjoon.”

Namjoon let his hands cup your cheeks, his thumbs pushing away the tears as he gave you a soft reassuring smile, “We’ll get past this, okay? You’ll always be worth the wait.” He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against yours. You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh, closing your eyes as you felt the small smile tug on your lips.

Maybe...maybe you could get past this.

You had spent another two weeks at the mental institute before you had felt good enough to sign yourself out and try to pick up your life where you left off, the past month had been...interesting to say the least. Namjoon, much like Jungkook and Jimin, visited you every day.

Some days were good...others were not so much...But if you learned anything in therapy was to take things a step at a time. Your therapist thought it was wonderful that you had developed feelings for Namjoon, even if it didn’t feel that way. But she had encouraged you saying that it was a sign your heart was ready to move on and heal.

“I’m so glad you’re back Noona!”

Right now however, you were trying to push Jungkook’s large figure away from you, damn why does this kid have to be so strong? Jungkook was practically like a little boy, running around in excitement when he saw you were put back on your work schedule and has since hugged you for three minutes straight when you walked in, “Jungkook we saw each other Friday.” You complained.

“Yeah but…! You were in ugly scrubs yesterday and your hair was really greasy,” Jungkook gave you a sheepish grin as you glared at him before pushing him away as he whined, “Besides! It’s your first day back at work!” He clapped his hands, “And you look a lot better! Not as tired anymore, did you sleep well?”

You sighed as you finished tying your apron, unable to stop the small smile tugging on your lips, Jungkook used to be a lot more reserved in what questions he asked, but having since visited you every day it seems those barriers have long past melted, “Yes, I’ve been sleeping a lot better, but it’s probably because of the medicine I’ve been prescribed to help.” Your smile felt a little weak, but regardless, at least you were sleeping.

And truthfully, you did feel somewhat, renewed. Like you were no longer strapped to a heavy weight and sinking to the bottom of the ocean. You weren’t sure how to describe it, but you felt lighter these days. Of course you wouldn’t deny how much your being still ached for the man you once loved. You still saw Taehyung in the colors that painted the walls, in the sea you always drove past on your way to work.

But everything seemed so far away now, as if the life you had with Taehyung was just a fuzzy dream. Sometimes late at night you wondered if it was real at all. Yesterday had been painful no doubt, when you arrived home the first thing you did was throw away all of Taehyung’s old clothes you had been keeping. Even his old favorite shirt you always wore to bed. Just the memory almost made your eyes well with tears but you contained yourself.

Clothes were just clothes, and they wouldn’t make Taehyung come back, would they?

“Well at least the medicine is helping Noona, sleep is sleep you can’t be picky.” Jungkook was buzzing in happiness before his eyes darted to the girl who was standing at the cash register ready to order, flitting over he began to take her order as you peered from behind. Snorting at the way she flirtatiously smiled and Jungkook fumbled, ears going red as he looked away and rang up her order.

You couldn’t help but smile as you began working on her flat white, “She likes you.” You stated as Jungkook leaned against the counter, crossing his arms as you began to laugh, watching the way his cheeks lit up like little tomatoes.

“So!? I’m not interested in her.” He mumbled defensively as you clacked your tongue, shaking your head as you set her coffee down at the end of the counter. Of course cupid only liked playing in your love life. As if the universe heard your thoughts the doorbell chimed as your gaze shot up. Two all too familiar figures walked in, well the other bounced in excitement, “Hey guys! It’s good to see you back Y/n! How have you been?” Hoseok practically flew to the counter in excitement. Given his words you doubt he knew what you had been up too but you appreciated the sentiment regardless, offering a small smile as you shrugged, “Just needed a break to clear my head. I’m doing good. Word is you finally bagged someone.”

Hoseok’s lips parted before he prominently closed them, his cheeks looking red before the door to the back suddenly opened, Yoongi looking around before Hoseok flailed a little, “What!? W-who told you that…?” You looked between them as you raised your brows, unable to keep the smile off your face.

“Awh, gay is okay guys. You don’t have to be shy.” You could hear Jungkook trying to cover his snort as he turned away to grab the convenient tray of pastries from Yoongi who suddenly looked perturbed and embarrassed, his ears were red as he mumbled something before quickly pushing back into the back room. Hoseok puckering his lips before he caved, a bright smile on his lips as he leaned over, “Hey…you mind if I go back there?” You snorted as you waved your hand.

“Knock yourself out. Just don’t cum all over the stove.” “Y/n!” “Sorry!”

You laughed as Hoseok sped around the counter and bolted into the backroom as you shook your head. At least some things changed for the better over the month you had been gone. Shaking your head you hummed, “Someone looks like they’re in a good mood.” His words made your lips tug into a smile as you turned to face Namjoon who had been passively watching the whole situation unfold.

“You don’t know how long I’ve watched them pine for one another,” You replied, looking down as you wiped down the counter to try and keep your gaze from meeting his, it was weird, this warm burning sensation that tickled your insides, it almost felt like butterflies, “It’s nice to see them finally admit it. So are you just here to watch the gays or are you gonna order something?” You looked up, a weird half smile quirked on your lips and you probably looked stupid.

Namjoon leaned down against the counter as he shrugged, a smile on his lips and those pretty dimples on display, “What should I get?”

These feelings, constantly repeating to yourself that they were okay, it was all so new. It was hard not to get flustered at his innocent words as you turned to look at the menu before shrugging, “Well you like tea, what about Tropic Blossom? It’s main notes are orange blossom and hibiscus so it’s naturally sweet unless you want stevia in it?” You turned back to face him only to awkwardly look away, feeling your face begin to burn at the way he was looking at you.

It wasn’t provocative or anything sensual, but his eyes were lit up in a warm glow and his lips were constantly curved upwards in a smile, “Sure, with a chocolate scone too! Hey do you think you could convince Yoongi to make blueberry scones?”

You rang up Namjoon as you snorted, curving a brow with an amused look before replying, “You could’ve got one back in spring if you had just come with Hoseok earlier. He doesn’t take requests though so no.”

“Not even for me? Come on, you could convince him.” Namjoon leaned in a little, his lips quirking into a smirk as he hummed, “Just once.” You turned away from him as you tried to ignore the way your face burned. Jungkook had a shit eating grin on his face as he minded his own business, or at least he pretended to as he began making the Tropic Blossom.

“Just once Noona?” He couldn’t help himself as he gave you patronizing puppy eyes as you glared at him before he snickered, you shoved his shoulder though he hardly budged as you huffed.

“I will, in the spring.” You clacked your tongue as you tried to control the smile that tugged on your lips as you leaned down as you pulled out the scone, placing it on the plate as you set up the napkin, “Until then you’re just gonna have to live with chocolate.” You stood up, looking up at his figure as you felt a smile tug on your lips once more as you handed him his plate.

“Can I take you somewhere tonight?”

Your eyebrows shot up at his abrupt words, Jungkook set his tea down as he immediately spoke for you, “She’d love to- Ow!” You jammed your elbow into his rib as he squeaked, suddenly looking at you with sullied eyes like a kicked puppy as he trailed back to the register where a small line had formed.

Take you somewhere…? Like a date…? You weren’t sure if that’s what he meant but...you felt a little at war with yourself, you knew you should be excited but, “Only if you want to,” Namjoon could immediately sense the shift in your demeanor, offering a small smile, “Remember what I said? We can take this at your pace.”

Well...he was right, you could always head home early if things took an odd turn or...the guilt had faded but you couldn’t help but feel like you were doing something wrong, mustering a smile you nodded, “It’s fine! I get off work at seven though…”

“Perfect! It’s nothing special,” Namjoon’s smile brightened as he held his cup up, “I’ll see you after work then…” He tipped his drink to you as he gave it a sip, the doors to the backroom suddenly swinging up as you whirled around.

“What did I say Hoseok?” You couldn’t help the amusement you felt at the sight of Hoseok’s ruffled hair and the suspicious bruises on his neck that were absolutely hickies, he sent you a semi embarrassed and unappreciative look as he replied, “Just get my sugar glaze pastry…”

You couldn’t stop the shit eating grin on your face as you and Jungkook exchanged looks before ringing him up, “And a cumin shot to go?” His glare was worth the joke.

The rest of the day had come and gone, some hours slow and others fast, Jungkook and you would often go bug Yoongi when things were slow- well it was mainly Jungkook, but you were glad to be back. Things almost seemed...normal?

Was this what life was really like before....you felt a small lump in your throat form. Before Taehyung? The ache in your heart was still there, but it was no longer the force that would always cause you to topple. Maybe this was the worst part of it all.

The fact that the once beautiful life you had with Taehyung was over now. You felt a smile tug on your lips and your eyes gloss a little, but for the first time, it wasn’t out of sadness. But happiness, that at the very least, you had Taehyung in your life for as long as you did. Some things just weren’t meant to be. In this lifetime at least.

Taking a deep breath you pulled yourself from your thoughts as you finished cleaning the counters, Jungkook had already finished taking out all the old pastries and Yoongi had finished cleaning up the back, “You ready to go Noona?” Jungkook called out as he untied his apron.

“Yeah, gimme a second.” You called back as you tossed your rag into the sink, walking over to the coat rack as you untied your own apron. You glanced out the shop door to see a familiar figure standing out front waiting as you looked back down, suddenly feeling semi embarrassed.

Jungkook and Yoongi were exchanging glances and you could tell on both of their faces they thought this was both endearing and hilarious, all it took was one glare from you to keep them both from spouting any kind of bullshit.

Wrapping your jacket around yourself you snuggled up against the warm fabric that fought against the cold air as you walked outside, offering a meek smile to Namjoon who’s eyes lit up at the sight of you, “Hey…” You murmured, trying to calm your heart rate that spiked rapidly for no reason.

Keeping his hands inside his coat pocket Namjoon greeted you with a brighter smile, “Hey, are you ready to go?” You gave a small nod as you began walking beside him. The sun setting and the air was getting colder at night these days, soon autumn would be here and color would flourish in all the trees.

Warily, you couldn’t help but feel a small part of yourself that was…looking forward to autumn. It was always a welcomed time of year for you, when cinnamon was strong in the air and you could bake anything with apples in it. Bundling up next to a small campfire and the only time you could wear flannel without feeling self conscious.

“Where are we going?” You asked softly as you glanced up at Namjoon who peered down at you with a small playful smile, as if he wasn’t going to answer, but he thought it was cute you’d ask regardless.

“Somewhere.” Namjoon’s smile became bigger as he watched the pout quirk on your lips as you hummed, looking back out at the darkening sky, “It’s nothing special, just something I like doing when I have the next day off.” You tilted your head in curiosity as to where he was taking you.

You only felt more confused when you stood at the gates of the park, turning to look at Namjoon as you felt a smile curl on your lips, unsure of what to make of this, “Not even a hint?”

“Well,” Namjoon drawled, pressing his lips together briefly in thought before smiling once more, “We’ll be sitting down. I can’t say anything without giving it away.”

Sitting down? There was a playground here, would you be sitting on the swings? You hadn’t done that in a long time, but much to your surprise Namjoon walked right past only for your eyes to set on a blanket that looked to already be spread out and a...telescope? Namjoon sat down as he gestured at you with a laugh, “What’s with that expression?”

“Nothing!” You hurriedly replied, sitting down on the other side of the blanket, “I just…” You looked around before looking up at the sky, lips parting a little only to notice the dark sky blanketed with bright stars, “Didn’t expect this…” You murmured as your eyes darted from star to star, it was a clear night, perfect for stargazing, how long had it been since you even looked up?

Had you truly forgotten the stars existed before this moment?

Namjoon’s expression was warm as he gestured you over, “They look even better up close, you can see Pisces from here.” Leaning down you peeped through the lense as Namjoon guided the telescope as you let out a little gasp, “Oh! I think I see it!” You zoomed the lense out a little bit as you pressed your lips together, “Wait, I don’t think that’s it.”

You had never been good with astronomy but...something about Namjoon laughing softly as you straightened up, something about the way he passionately pointed to each constellation, the way the deep midnight sky melted between the flicks of white that all seemed so...alive…

You really liked this.

You must’ve spent the whole night, looking at the stars laying down, talking about whatever came to mind, you couldn’t take your eyes off the sky for hardly a second. It truly was beautiful.

“Hey, Y/n.” You hummed as Namjoon spoke up softly, “Do mind, if I ask...about him…” You stiffened a little, your dreamy gaze snapping to Namjoon, more awake now then you had been all evening.

As if noticing the semi spooked expression Namjoon quickly added, “Only if you’re up to it...I’m sure it isn’t easy to talk about it...But I just…” He seemed a little self conscious as his eyes flickered back to the sky, “I just wanted to know about him, what he was like, what did you do together.”

You felt a weak smile tug on your lips before closing your eyes, the night sky was no longer in your vision, but it was the warmth of your old home, the apartment you shared with Taehyung, his face which you hadn’t seen in so long was so clear, “He was…” You trailed off for a second before you felt your eyes water as a smile tugged on your lips, “Childish,” You laughed, memories of his pouty expression whenever you reprimanded him, “Playful definitely…” You sniffed as you wiped your eyes, the way he’d smirk and grab you by the waist, murmuring less than appropriate things in your ear, “God he was…” Opening your eyes you laughed again while shaking your head, “Everything I could’ve ever wanted. He made me see colors that don’t exist, noise became music, clouds weren’t just particles anymore,” Tears trickled down your face as you smiled, looking up at the stars, “He told me they were god’s canvas that he painted on every day. Taehyung, he saw beauty in everything.”

You paused as your smile slowly faded, closing your eyes as the pain washed over you, the dull ache in your heart returned as you rubbed your eyes of the tears you had shed, “It’s just…” You felt pathetic, still crying, still missing what once was, “Hard to believe it’s all over, y’know?”

You felt fingers tug at your hair before gently combing through as you covered your mouth, trying to stifle down the sobs that bubbled in your throat, “He sounds like a one of a kind.” Namjoon offered a small smile as you turned to face him, rubbing the warm tears from your face as you felt a smile tug on your lips.

“He was terrible! He’d start singing trot off tune and he always made such a fucking mess in the kitchen without cleaning it up!” Memories flashed by in your mind, flour all over the floor and Taehyung's voice low and raspy as he’d cough while trying to sing, the large boxy smile he’d give when you’d wake up to breakfast already made, “And he always left his clothes all over the floor because he never did laundry because he knew i’d do it for him if he waited long enough.”

“Oh? And how bad were the road trips?” Namjoon’s lips were tugged in a soft smile, laying on his side to look at you as his fingers tangled against your roots.

“Don’t even get me started,” You both laughed as continued, “Jazz was always a must and it was so boring to listen to for five hours straight and he always bought too many snacks! We went camping one time and...god!” You let out a breathy laugh, “Never again, we forgot to bring bug repellent in the middle of the most humid time of the year and apparently there was like this- retreat? For nudists at the campgrounds at the time and they kept coming over asking if we wanted to take LSD with them and it ended up raining the whole time!”

Namjoon was snorting out a laugh, humored as he asked, “What did you guys do? I don’t think I can imagine my camping neighbors as nudists.”

“We had rented out this shitty old camper van so we could keep all of our supplies in the back but, after a long day of being miserable and arguing half the time we packed up and intended on leaving,” You closed your eyes as your fingers traced against the soft blanket, “But when we were driving back we ended up taking a wrong turn and found a cliff side camping spot that was just gorgeous. So we ended up clearing out the back of the van and setting up a ton of blankets and pillows and we enjoyed the view.”

You could still feel the hard car floorboard against your body with just a few blankets for comfort, curled up against Taehyung with his arms wrapped around you looked out over the valley, that awful weekend ended up being one of your favorite memories, “We turned off our phones, worked through our problems, shared laughs and ate those stupid hostess powdered donuts, and he said it. That first I love you.”

Tears dripped down your face as you forced yourself to pause, you hated doing this to Namjoon, who obviously held back saying those same words, why was he even doing this to himself? He couldn’t have actually wanted to hear about him. You could see the way his heart always crumbled with every tear you cried, “I miss him so much. I’m sorry.” You whispered in overwhelm, memories you had forgotten resurfacing and you pressed your hands into your face.

“Shhh,” You were pulled against Namjoon, his arms comfortingly wrapped around you as he held you close, “It’s okay to miss him.”

-----

“I’m gonna hurt the roots if I just rip it out!”

You curved a brow as you snorted, Namjoon looked utterly distressed as he attempted to repot his newest set of flowers, mums in shades of deep burnt orange and burgundy, perfect for autumn, “The roots are overgrown!” You argued, “We’re gonna have to cut them down to put less stress on the plants for the love of god just listen to me!”

You pushed the powdered donut into your mouth before sitting down with him on the wooden picnic table, “Who’s the expert here?”

“You.” Namjoon unenthusiastically hmphed as he rolled his eyes, but curiously peered down at your hands that pushed down through the soil, carefully extracting the small square of mums as you swallowed the large clump of donut, “Alright we gotta clip these before you can repot them, it’ll promote more growth and they won’t die as quick.”

“It just seems…” Namjoon watched warily as you clipped the roots with zero hesitation, “...Counter intuitive. Isn’t this like ripping out their lungs?”

You snorted again, turning to look at him as you pouted animatedly, “Awh you think plants feel? I mean if you wanna get that graphic it’s more like...shaving their lungs…” You watched Namjoon’s nose crinkle in dismay as you laughed, “Seriously though, they won’t get as much nourishment from the soil if you just keep this big ass clump. Root pruning is kind of essential when you’re repotting store bought plants.”

“Alright but if my flowers die-”

“Which they won't.” You handed him the pruners as you gave him a cheeky smile, “Well go on, they won’t trim themselves.” You grabbed the bag of mini donuts before plopping another into your mouth, as you inhaled sharply. It was such a beautiful day out, the sun was shining and clouds big and fluffy.

It was the perfect day to be outside, which is why you were sitting on the picnic table that was one of many sitting outside behind your apartment building. Things with Namjoon have been...good...they’ve been great. It’s been nearly a month of consistently seeing one another, hanging out.

The pain is still there but, it’s gradually faded with time, you still go see your therapist once a week to talk over things in hopes of not pouring too much out onto Namjoon who was always so patient and kind. You frequented the park at night with him to stargaze and planting and taking care of any greenery had become a thing with you both.

You weren’t sure what it was but, being able to be open and honest about your past relationship with Taehyung, being able to talk about your adventures together, the things you loved and annoyed you about him. Somehow having Namjoon earnestly listen to it all brought you closer to him. You felt safe with him, like he’d wipe your every tear away.

You really didn’t deserve him.

Your fists curled in frustration having not caught the words in your mind. Your therapist had been really getting on you as of late to try and redirect your thoughts to more positive affirmations anytime you mentally said you didn’t deserve him. Like...you deserved to have his kindness in your life.

You could even step into the art museum now without much fear, only because Namjoon loved art and he often contemplated his love of philosophy alongside it. You really were thankful for him. But you couldn’t help but notice something lingering…something you couldn’t quite put your finger on.

“So I was thinking.” Namjoon hummed, his eyes purposely looking down at the soil that crumbled beneath his fingers as he pruned the roots carefully, “Why not attend that gala tonight? For Modernism?”

You tilted your head as you shoved another donut in your mouth, “Gala?” Your voice was muffled as you chewed before swallowing, “I thought you said it was stupid because they should’ve chosen to represent Baroque?” He had done things like this in the past before, it would be one thing if you were an art person and he was doing it for you, but you weren’t.

Namjoon looked a little apprehensive as he shrugged, gaining your attention more as his eyes stayed on the mums, “Well...I know you both used to like doing...you know, things like that…” He mumbled, making your mouth fall open. Oh...oh no…! You were afraid of something like this happening.

“Namjoon,” Your lips tugged into a pout, your voice gaining his attention as he peeked up a little, obviously embarrassed when he shouldn’t be, grabbing the plant from him tenderly you set it into the pot before grabbing his soil covered hands, his eyes anywhere but yours, “Those were things me and him liked to do Namjoon…”

“I- I just…” Namjoon fumbled a little, “I know you miss doing those things so…”

Your expression twisted sadly, had you said too much to him about Taehyung? You didn’t want Namjoon to feel insecure about your relationship...not that you were together but...things were obviously headed in that direction, weren’t they?

“I don’t miss doing those things Namjoon, I miss it because it was with him,” You watched the way he frowned, his shoulder’s slumping as he stared down at the table, “And you aren’t him. And I don’t want you to be him,” His gaze suddenly shot up to your expression that hardened, “Namjoon I don’t want to live in the past trying to make old memories new again when we already have something. I wanna create new memories that are just as happy,” You felt a little shy as you looked away, “With you, and with the things we like to do together. So don’t worry about it, let’s just stick with a plans to go to the park tonight, besides didn’t you say a meteor shower was happening,”

You were casual in your words, trying to play off your heartfelt confession on not wanting him to compare himself to your old lover, that wasn’t the kind of relationship you wanted and it wouldn't be Namjoon if he did things the way Taehyung did. They were two very different men with similar hobbies but for vastly different reasons, but you’d always love them both.

Wait…

“Draconids, but it’ll be a boring show. They say there’s only five meteors an hour” Namjoon smiled, his chin resting against his arm as he gave you a dopey smile making you laugh as you shook your head. His fingers playing with yours as you replied, “I’d rather be there then at a stuffy art gala.”

“Noona! Hyung! Oh did we interrupt?”

You clacked your tongue in annoyance as your hand, still intertwined with Namjoon’s dropped to table to see both Jungkook and Jimin waving, “No you didn’t, asshole!” You added as you yelled back, watching both Jimin and Jungkook belt out with laughter as a smile tugged on your lips.

It was originally planned as just a lunch outside but you and Namjoon had made more plans on top of that.

Jimin waved the bag of takeout he had gotten for everyone as they both sat down, grabbing the towel that was laid out Namjoon wiped his hands along yours as he groaned, “Ah I’m starving, why did it take you guys so long?”

“No reason,” Jungkook hummed, sounding oddly...content…? Your furrowed your brows as you looked between them both, Jimin’s eyes immediately shooting down to the bag of food as he coughed loudly, “Here’s your kebabs you wanted.”

You ignored whatever subtext was lingering in the air at the sight of you lamb kebabs, hands immediately sticking out with a smile, “Thank you!” When was the last time you had enjoyed food like this?

You could feel the warm rays of sunshine on your face and the cool breeze that passed over your body occasionally, was this what it was like to feel again? It was hard to keep Namjoon’s bright gaze that looked more and more like love these days, the way he’d just stare at you with that small smile and those dimples of his. You supposed, these days, maybe you really could fall in love with someone else.

And after all...that’s what Taehyung would want, wouldn’t it? Something continuously held you back though and...suddenly everything became so clear, you knew exactly what you needed to do. And you knew you didn’t need to do it alone. Watching Jungkook and Jimin bid their farewell after lunch your throat became dry as your heartbeat became faster.

“Namjoon,” You asked before you convinced yourself maybe this wasn’t as good of an idea as you thought it was.

He hummed, turning to face you, that bright smile on his lips again as he listened endearingly, somehow making it harder to speak and had the sun always been this hot? “...Would you mind going with me...to visit him?”

Namjoon’s pupils widened a little and his lips parted as if not expecting those words, he sincerely took a moment to ponder them and you appreciated more then if had unwillingly said yes, after a moment he gave you another reassuring smile as he grabbed your hands, “Of course Y/n.” You felt relieved as you gave a small smile in return, you knew exactly what you needed to do.

It wasn’t until the evening that you went to the flower shop, grabbing a small bouquet of tiger lilies before walking towards the cemetery, Namjoon doing a double take when you shyly grabbed his hand. Touches were innocent still, hand holding still new and it was admittedly welcomed.

The sunset was vivid today and it seemed just like yesterday you had rejected Namjoon’s offer for lunch in turn to come here, had that really been three months ago? You looked up at his figure that was looking ahead as a smile tugged on your lips.

The cemetery looked as it always did, serene, carefully walking in the passage ways and making sure to not step onto any graves you paused at the willow tree. Your heart still squeezed as you glanced down.

Kim Taehyung

1995 - 2018

‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’

Sitting down you pulled out the rag you had packed, gently wiping off his gravestone as your eyes waters, a soft smile tugging on your lips as your fingers traced against the engraved name, “Oh there’s so many things I wish I could tell you Tae.” You murmured softly, closing your eyes as the tears slid down, the smile still on your face as you sat back, placing the flowers down as an arm comfortingly wrapped around you.

Sniffing you wiped your eyes as you leaned against Namjoon, your head resting against his shoulder as you closed your eyes, “I’ve struggled for so long to let you go. To let myself be okay with letting you go.” You could imagine Taehyung’s face, his dark locks of hair covering his eyebrows and his soft smile, hands cupping your cheeks, “And I’ll always love you. But I know you wouldn’t want me to go on the way I had been…So I’ve come here to say goodbye I suppose.”

There was an ache in your jaw and your heart throbbed with that familiar dull ache, Namjoon’s head laying on top of yours as he pressed a kiss against your hair, “You’ll always be with me, and I’ll always cherish the time I had with you. But it’s time that I let myself be happy again. I know you understand. So thank you for...everything. And leading me to the person I belong with now.”

You squeezed your eyes shut as the tears trickled down your cheeks, pressing into Namjoon’s shoulder, even despite your tears you felt, at peace? As if this was meant to be, accepting things for what they were, and that no, you weren’t completely over Taehyung, but this was a good start to letting him go fully.

Namjoon wrapped his arms around you as you sniffled, scooting against him as you curled up against the warmth he radiated, “I promise I’ll take care of her,” He spoke softly, a gentle smile on his lips as he looked down at your curled up figure, knowing this couldn’t be easy for you to do, “I know we never met, but thank you for making her happy. And I’ll continue to do the same.” He pressed another kiss against your head as he rested his head a top of yours once more.

Sniffles escaped you as the wind blew through the trees, a soft rustle being the only noise outside your tears as the willow tree swayed in contentment. And if you really wanted to reach, maybe this was Taehyung’s spirit giving his blessing.

For the first time, leaving the cemetery was like a breath of relief, it was as if you had learned to walk on your own for the first time in a very long time. The sun had already set and hand in hand with Namjoon you both walked to the park where you set out the blanket as the moon rose.

“Thanks by the way,” You turned to face Namjoon in confusion as he offered a small shy smile, “For taking me to visit him today. I know it wasn’t easy to do.” Your heart felt like it was doing little backflips as you crawled out to snuggle up against him, for the first time, craving his touch against you.

“Of course, but I’m ready to focus on us.” You still felt a little shy yourself but you wanted more than anything to get to know Namjoon, he knew everything there was to know about you by now in terms of your past relationship. There was an unquenchable inferno inside you that wanted to know everything you could about this man.

Laying down curled up against him Namjoon let his fingers tenderly run against your hair as he whispered, “I’m okay with that.” Your heart for the first time felt content, warm and fuzzy, all the hurt and all the tears you had spent crying felt like just a distant memory in the arms of your lover now.

Your eyes felt lost in the inky blue sky above the were speckles with stars that gleamed brightly, and there it was the first meteor that passed making you squeak in excitement, Namjoon smiled as he looked down at your expression that seemed so excited at the flashes of light that streaked across the sky.

Glancing at the sky Namjoon was surprised at the next few meteors that passed, and a few more before they came in dozens and dozens and soon the whole sky was lit up in light and the stars the seemed so muted before looked like gems that danced across the sky, light blues mixed with deepers shades of indigo and the streaks of white painted across the sky as he whispered, “This only happens once every few hundred years, where hundreds appear in the sky.”

Namjoon couldn’t look at the rare sight in the sky though, not when he could look at your eyes that reflected the whole sky in them, all the stars that surfed in your gaze and your lips open in awe at the sight and for the first time in his life, he understood what that saying meant.

‘For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream’

Namjoon would never leave your side for a single second, he pledged to himself, you’d both get through this together and you’d build a strong relationship. And he’d cherish you just as much as Kim Taehyung did, he’d devote his whole life to you if needed.”

“Namjoon,” Your eyes looked dreamy while you turned to face him, he seemed distant as he stared at you as you gave a bashful smile, for the first time able to say what you always felt, “I love you.”

#bts #kim namjoon #namjoon #namjoon x reader #namjoon x y/n #namjoon angst #bts angst #namjoon imagine #taehyung angst #kim taehyung #taehyung x reader #im so sorry yall #this is sad as hell

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belphies-cuhm-sluht · 3 years

Note

hello! can I please request an angst fic with Satan losing control and getting angry at the MC because they made a deal with someone and is willing to give up their life just to bring Lilith back for the brothers? and yes Satan is in love but he just didn't tell them yet! thank you so much for opening requests, can't tell you how much I adore your writings <3

Not Your Choice To Make (Satan x GN!MC Angst)

What had he done to deserve you? What had any of his brothers done to deserve someone like you? You were caring, always so happy, and you were selfless. So, so selfless. As if any of them deserved a person like you in their lives, and he knew that the answer was no. You were the kind of human who’s name went on the reservation list to Heaven as soon as you were born. Apparently the big man upstairs had a plan for everyone, and your plan had been set in motion the day that you were brought into the world. Had God known what you were going to do though? Did he know that you would end up down here? If so, why would he allow it? What kind of God was he to allow you to be brought into such a horrid place, the worst place, biblically speaking? It didn’t make sense, and now… now everything was messed up because you were good… you were too good. You should have never been brought here.

He had never even met his sister, but he knows that his brothers adored her, they loved her, and they missed her dearly, especially Beelzebub and Belphegor. Even with all that, it wasn’t your problem to fix, it wasn’t your problem to solve. Every single one of them loved Lilith, but every single one of them loved you as well, some more than others, although he’d never be able to tell you. “What do you mean you made a deal with someone to bring her back? Y/N, that is… that is the stupidest thing… Do you even remember who you talked to?” He was trying to stay calm, he really was, but this situation alone had him filled with rage, and his Avatar had nothing to do with it at all. How could you do something like that? To them… to him? It was so selfishly selfless, so careless. “Satan… I was just trying to do the right thing. I know how much everyone misses her and-” His head was shaking so fast, his hands balled up into tight fists as he tried to get your words out of his head.

“Everyone? Everyone misses her… you’re right. But do you have even the slightest inkingly of an idea how much we’d miss you? Losing you would be like losing her all over again to them.” Losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen to himself though. He’s never gone through loss, he’s never experienced the pain that comes along with it. That’s why he has to fix this as soon as possible. “Please calm down… the guy said that-” He let out a low growl, holding his hand up to silence you. He didn’t want to hear what the guy said, he just wanted this problem fixed. He wanted it solved, and as much as he hated to do it, he went to the only other person in the entire Devildom who could possibly help him.

The doors to Lucifer’s office were almost thrown off the hinges when Satan burst through them, pulling you along behind him. “Yes, Satan? If this is about something Mammon did, I don’t have-” Satan didn’t appreciate it, the way that Lucifer refused to even look up from his stupid paperwork to aknowledge him. He wouldn’t be bursting through the doors if it was a Mammon problem, hell, at this point he even wished it was a Mammon problem so he could handle it himself. “It’s not Mammon. It’s Y/N.” That got his attention real quick, his head snapping up from his desk to look at you, the way you stood behind Satan shyly, almost embarrassed… what could have happened? You didn’t look harmed, you didn’t look scared, even with the way that Satan was acting. “What’s wrong?”

You didn’t want to reiterate the story, it would just take too long, and Satan actually agreed. There was no time to waste, and your reasoning, in his eyes, and hopefully in his brothers eyes as well didn’t justify your actions, as nice as they may have been. “She made a deal… with some guy that she doesn’t even know the name of… to bring Lilith back…” It was hard for him to even get the words out, they were upsetting, and they pissed him off. What you did pissed him off more than anything, but not because he was actually mad at you… he was mad at himself for letting you out of his sight long enough to even let something like this happen. Lucifer’s eyes were wide as he stared at you, his adams apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard, trying to let what Satan had told him sink in. “To bring… she can’t come back anyway… no one can bring her back. She’s… she’s dead. She’s been dead. Everyone knows that.” Everyone should know that. Of course, you didn’t… you didn’t know that at all, or else you wouldn’t have made a deal with the random demon in the first place. “Wh-What did you offer… to this demon, if I may ask.” Lucifer wasn’t the kind of guy to stutter, he never got tripped up on his words, but now he felt like he was on a race against time to get to the bottom of this, to sort all of this out. He needed to know every single detail, and this is the part that got Satan’s attention as well. He hadn’t heard about the actual… transaction, if you can call it that. He had only heard about why you did it.

“I offered.. My uh… my soul… my life…” The tension is the room was palpable, but so thick. The growl that had come out of Satan earlier was nothing compared to this. His Avatar was in full play now, his rage spurred on by this tornado of emotions that his body just couldn’t handle. How could anyone be able to handle this? “Oh no…” Was all Lucifer had to say as he fell back in his chair, dropping his face into his hands as he shook his head. That didn’t seem to help though, not at all. The next thing you knew, Satan was storming out of the office and up the stairs into his room, slamming his door shut, the force behind it was enough to rattle the pictures on the walls downstairs. “I just thought I could bring her back… I didn’t know…”

The books that were stacked up on his floor were all kicked over, scattered across the room as he broke down. “This is why humans don’t belong here… Y/N doesn’t belong here… never did.” But he knows that his life without you having come in it would have been dull, boring and depressing. He loved you, he loves you… but what’s the point in all of that now? What’s the point in having feelings for you, of ever having feelings for you? It wasn’t fair, not to you, not to him, and not to his brothers. “Wasn’t their choice to make…” He was mumbling to himself now as he fell back onto his bed, his hands covering his face, hoping that nobody would come into his room, but if they did, he would have time to wipe the stray tears that trickled down the corners of his eyes. There was no way to undo this, the deal had already been made. Even if they killed the guy, he would just end up back in Hell, and he would inevitably come at some point to retrieve your soul. You wouldn’t end up back in the Devildom though, you’d spend what would feel like forever in Purgatory, or stuck in limbo until the big man up in the clouds made a final decision on where you belong.

“Maybe if we just find him-” You were still down in Lucifer's office, trying to find ways to fix this, to make it all just go away. Every suggestion was turned down, and you didn’t know whether he was just becoming irritated with your list of “possible solutions” or if he was just exhausted. This whole thing was draining, because at the end of it all, Lucifer himself knew that there was nothing he could do to solve the problem at hand. “You don’t understand, Y/N. Demons aren’t simple, you must already know that much. They’re malicious and mischievous. They’ll do anything to make a deal, especially with someone as pure hearted as you are. Every demon down here knows about Lilith, and every single one of them already knows she can’t be brought back. Whoever he was, he took advantage of your kindness, and there is nothing that can be done about it. I’m sorry.” He shook his head, hating that he had to lay it out to you like that, but you needed to know. You were always so hopeful, that’s what got you stuck in this predicament in the first place, but there was no hope to be had, not anymore.

“Well… can’t we just get Lord Diavolo to find the guy…? Can’t he do something?” It was obvious that you were trying to hold back from crying because, like any normal person, you were terrified of dying, as you should be. This is why you don’t just run around the Devildom making deals with any random demon. Hell, you could have gone to one of them and asked, and they would have told you that what you were asking for is impossible. “No. I’ve already thought of that. It would spark issues, and our Lord wouldn’t want those kinds of issues to fall on his shoulders. Taking a deal away from a demon for one measly human, no offense… it would piss a whole lot of them off. I’m sorry.” He pushed himself up and away from his desk, walking around it to stand in front of you, grabbing your hands and pulling you up so he can look down at you. “Satan needs you right now… You should go be with him.”

Satan… he did need you. He needed you more than anything, not just right now, but always. You helped him, more than he’d like to admit, more than he’d ever admit. Whenever he was around you he felt like he had better control of himself, he felt like he could actually be happy. With you, he even questioned whether his Avatar should be wrath, because you washed away any ounce of anger he had in his body, or at least, you made him forget about it for the time being. Satan… who, when you finally entered his room again, was curled in on himself, apparently finally having broken down and fallen asleep while he was crying. He hadn’t even lost you not, not completely, but the feeling was there, it was distant at the moment, but it felt like it was growing larger the closer that it came. “Hey… It’s gonna be okay…” Your voice jolted him out of his sleep, his eyes bloodshot as they opened and looked up at you, and while he wanted to be angry at your hopeful statement, he couldn’t even find it in him. Had he used up all of his anger already? No.. that couldn’t be it. No.. it was just that… the only thing you could be was hopeful, just as he was. Hopeful that there would be some way to sort this all out, to make it seem like it never happened. There had to be a miracle. God might not be on their side, but you were still human, he had to be looking out for you, right? “Yeah… it’s all gonna be okay…” He hated lying to you, at least, it felt like he was lying, because in the moment, he wasn’t exactly sure that anything would be okay, and nothing would be “okay” if you actually died. So, just like you, he was holding onto what tiny thread of hope you both had left. It’s all he could do, it’s all any of you could do.

He pulled you down onto his bed with him, holding you close against his chest, and although he, for once, didn’t have anything to say… he hoped that his actions spoke for him. It wouldn’t be fair to tell you that he loved you now, you probably wouldn’t believe him if he did. You would tell him that he was just speaking out of fear, and while you would probably be right in the fact that he was saying it in that moment because he was scared, it wouldn’t mean that the feelings weren’t true. So he held you, tighter than he’d ever held anyone else, tighter than he had ever held you before. Maybe if he kept you close, nobody would be able to get to you… maybe…

“My Lord… I need you to get Barbatos to do something for me… for all of us… please.” Lucifer mumbled into the phone line. It was a last ditch effort, one that he hoped would work, because if it didn’t, he’d have to go higher… way higher. It was the only way, not just to protect you, but to protect Satan, to protect all of them from feeling that kind of pain again.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #om! shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me imagines #obey me scenarios #obey me x reader #obey me x mc #obey me! shall we date #obey me Satan #obey me satan x reader #obey me satan x mc #satan avatar of wrath #om! Satan #obey me! Satan

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wildernessuntothemselves · 3 years

Text

The Last Exhale | Prologue

Summary: The honest and hardworking poor girl finds love in the arms of the rebellious and charming rich boy, and despite all odds, their love prevails and their inspiring story gets its fairytale ending when the two tie the knot, cementing their love under the sacred vows of marriage. Except real life isn’t a drama, and the story doesn’t end here for our protagonists who, instead of being the heroes they set out to be, end up taking on the role of the villain in each other’s life story.

Word Count: 1.5k

Genre: Angst, slight smut

Warnings: substance use, domestic violence, choking, bj

A/N: if you feel like you’ve read this as a bts fic before dw I’m the original author trying to continue it as a skz fic. Hopefully I can succeed in that. The general concept of this fic is that each chapter is based on a specific song and set in alternating POVs between the MC and the member so you can see their differing opinions and takes on each event and highlight how biased every person’s perception is.

Song and title of the prologue: Back to Black

POV of this chapter: 3rd person

The member in this story isn’t decided yet so please help me decide by voting between Chan and Lix. And if you can give me a reason for either member that would favor your choice being picked.

____________________

“I can’t believe you just stood there and let your parents humiliate me like that.” She shouts at him, not caring that the entire house staff can hear her argument with her husband.

“But I thought you were a strong woman, an Amazon, who doesn’t need my help.” He mocks her cheerfully.

She grits her teeth together so hard she thinks she could taste the pulverized bone on her tongue. “There is a difference between treating me like a prized show horse and coming to my aid when I genuinely need you.”

He cracks up. “Look at what you’re wearing! A show horse is worth more than your entire life, baby.”

She slaps him. At any other time, He would’ve returned the favor but not right now.

“Ohh, baby, are you in that mood again?” He places a hand on her ass, pulling her up against him. “Told you that you wouldn’t be able to stop for long. It feels good doesn’t it, punishing me? Hurting me? But that’s ok, I like it too. Hit me more.”

All colors drain from her face. That was a mistake. A colossal, fucked up mistake. It was during the worst time of her life, a time where she would’ve killed herself if he’d only left her alone for a second, but he just wouldn’t leave. And before she even knew what she was doing, as if she had blacked out, she was striking him, over and over again. It had started as a way to get him to leave so she can finally do it, she remembers now, but along the way, it morphed into a sick redirection of all her anger and remorse onto him, and instead of leaving or shouting or fighting back, he let her. He stood there, head bowed, and neck bared--and god help her, that only made her hit him more. But it was over now, and she would never go back to being that monster again.

A crazed laugh snaps her attention back to the source of all her torment who was staring at her with a euphoric smile on his face. “What do you say, babe?”

“Are you fucking high? You couldn’t even stay sober one night for me?” She pushed him off. She had specifically requested that he doesn’t do coke today so he can stay alert and by her side at his parent’s dinner party, but what did she really expect from him?

“You can’t blame me when you insist on embarrassing me in front of everyone I know.” She gives him a confused look and he comes up to her and tugs harshly on her dress, ripping a piece right off. “What is this shit? Why couldn’t you just let me buy you something nice to wear? How do you think it makes me feel when people see that my wife dresses cheaper than one of my father’s whores?”

She is about to slap him again but he catches her hand this time. “Not all of us have fathers who can get us what we want before we even think it up.”

“But you have me. Let me take care of you.” He puts his hands on her upper arms and searches her eyes. “Just like I used to before.”

“And have your parents think that they were right about me? That I was a gold digger all along.” She shakes his hands off of her. “And even if I do that, what happens after your father dies and your brother takes control of the company and throws you out. How will you take care of me then? You’re doing nothing to secure your place in the company and soon we will be out on the streets. What are you doing to prevent that? Going to parties and driving your expensive cars around with your friends, denying like a child that your father will ever die?”

“Well maybe if you weren’t such an uptight cunt, we could’ve worked together to find a solution instead of you spending all of your energy on constantly tearing me down and saying how useless I am.” The words held a lot of meaning but her husband’s tone was lightheartedly insane, and that stupid euphoric grin was still plastered on his face.

She could easily argue back that he wasn’t such an angel himself and that he always treated her like she were inferior to him and spoke down to her whenever she tried to suggest something that could help, always making sure to point out that she had no idea what she was talking about because she’s just a cook’s daughter.

But it was useless. He’s high out of his fucking mind and they’ve had the same argument a thousand times before. She turns her back to him and heads up the elegant marble stairway of the outrageously expensive house, looking to wash the night’s events off of herself.

“Fine, just walk away from me after you’ve ruined my fucking buzz,” He shouts up at her, but she’s sure she didn’t really. He’ll be in bliss for hours still while she sits in bed contemplating how in the world she ended up like this.

They used to be so happy before. Nothing could ever dim the love they had for each other, not his parents’ disapproval nor their different backgrounds. They were different people when they were together. They changed just for each other, and they vowed on their wedding day that they wouldn’t let anything come between them.

But the years proved them wrong. They never changed at all. They just came back full circle, and hard. The differences between them became more apparent than ever and as the years went by, they stopped seeing from the other person’s point of view and became more unyielding in their own opinions than even the people that stood in their way in the past were.

So where do they go from this?

The sound of feet dragging heavily across the floor as someone makes their way slowly down the hall would surely frighten anyone, but she doesn’t even flinch. She knew it was her husband finally back home after disappearing for hours like always.

The sound continues for a few minutes until it stops just behind her, and she turns away from the window of her little alcove to look at him. She takes his appearance in, hair and clothes disheveled and a dark aura about him. She holds the joint in between her lips and reaches out to him, looping her thumbs through the waistband of his pants and pulling him close to her before unbuttoning them and pulling them down to his thighs along with his boxers.

There on the inner side of his boxers was the evidence of his night out, dried cum and pussy juices. He didn’t even bother cleaning himself up or changing his underwear before coming to her. He wanted her to know.

She takes a deep breath from the joint and turns her back to him again, blowing out the smoke through the open window.

He never liked when she ignored him. He doesn’t like that at all. He reaches forward and snatches the joint out of her hand and snuffs it out violently with his boot. His high is very obviously over. She’s relaxed now and he’s the one on edge.

The cool gaze she regards him with pisses him off more and he grabs her by the hair and pulls her down to his dick, “Suck.”

He wanted her to taste that woman on him. He wanted to humiliate her. He wanted to hurt her, but all she felt was numbness.

He is not gentle with her, those days were long over. He moves her around like a ragdoll over his cock, thrusting it down her throat and not stopping even when he hears her gagging around him and clawing at his thighs. Instead, he pinches her nose, cutting off her oxygen supply completely.

“Should I let you die like this? No court would dare condemn me, my father would see to that.” He growls, taunting her with his father’s power the same way she belittled him for it earlier. “It’s what a cheap bitch like you deserves for not knowing her place with her master.”

Her face was turning blue, and her throat was constricting vigorously around her husband’s cock, fighting to let a breath in but only increasing his pleasure. She hears him moaning and grunting above her but she can’t see him through her rapidly blurring vision.

She doesn’t know if he knew just when to stop or if it was a stroke of luck but right as she thought she was about to pass out, he pulls his cock out of her mouth and stops pinching her nose. She falls forward on the floor at his feet, coughing and sputtering, and he watches her from above while he gives himself those last few strokes before cumming all over her. Some of it lands on her face, some on her hair, some on her clothes…In the end, she looks as much of a mess as she feels she is inside.

Despite having nothing obstructing her airway anymore, her lungs still couldn’t believe it, heaving in huge gulps of air as if the supply would be cut off again at any moment.

Her husband tucks himself back into his pants before crouching down over her. He holds her chin in his hand causing more of the cum stuck to his palm to mess up her face. “Why do you have to make me do this, baby? You know that I love you.”

His voice sounded so hurt and sincere that she couldn’t stop yourself from spitting in his face. What did it matter that he loved her, that she loved him, when it wasn’t enough anymore? “You’re nothing to me.”

He retaliates by slapping her, sending her crashing against the floor from the powerful blow. “I’ll make you yield, you’ll see, and then we’ll be happy again.”

He walks away and she stares after him with a hatred that taints her very soul. How was it possible for the human heart to contain so much hate and love for the same person without just giving up?

_______

A/N: before I put this fic on hiatus, I had posted 4 (very long) chapters. I will be reposting one every week and hopefully by then I would’ve written chapter 5.

#stray kids smut #bang chan smut #felix smut

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obeymeplz · 3 years

Text

one of those days ll mammon x gn reader

LISTEN guys... I’ve peeled through every single fanfic and one shot of my boy boy that I can find.

I’m done, finished, kaput. And I need content. So I decided to make my own.

2k words, ft. Belphie my salty homie

Warnings: mean(ish) mammon (because I’m a hoe for angst, highly implicative of smut...?, cussing...?

Enjoy ig ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry if I suck LOL

It was one of those days, and it all began when you dropped your plate of pickled pancakes (it’s an acquired Devildom taste) all over your crisp, white shoes. Beel involuntarily frowned at the waste of food, while the other demon boys snickered at your inherent clumsiness, Lucifer merely rolling his eyes before excusing himself from the table. But someone was missing that morning.

From that moment on, you knew nothing would be going your way.

Your bad luck followed you to second period, where you received a colossal “F” on your scrying test, and then to lunch where Satan and Asmo had to pull you out of a fight with a succubus who had thought it her business to label you a “suck up whore”. This was a name you were used to; from the moment you arrived, every demon and unthinkable hoard in the Devildom believed you to be sleeping with every brother in the House of Lamentation, playing through all of them with zero consequences. Despite the utter falsity of these accusations, they hurt no less every time you had to hear them.

And to top today’s cake with a juicy red cherry, the one single person who could make all your worries melt away with just a smile had been nowhere in your sights all day. Mammon was indeed the sunshine you needed on this dreary afternoon, with his dumb tinted glasses and cocky remarks, yet endearing eyes and wondrous grin.

Staring out the window of an empty chem room, waiting for someone to be available to walk you home, you realized that it was an odd day - such a new world you’d been thrown into, yet so quickly you had familiarized yourself with your new “normal”; and now that normal wasn’t there. There were certain things you knew, day in and day out.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell.

Mammon will always be there.

These things you counted on to be true, because if they weren’t, you weren’t entirely certain how you’d keep your sanity intact.

“For a human who’s supposed to be completely inferior to our kind, you sure do seem to think a lot”.

Belphie.

“Gee, Belphie, you know, “you sure do” have a way with words. Thank you! I just feel so much better”, you scoffed a retort as you swung your legs over the ledge of the window to face the cow-haired boy, clearly having just woken from sleeping through 7th period. He only smirked at you.

“I heard you need a warm body to walk next to, and I figured I could use the company. Home?”

You smiled smally as he helped you to your feet. “Yeah, home sounds nice”.

He reciprocated the smile.

“So, what really has you down in the dumps?”

You shrugged as you tried to formulate a thought that might make sense to him.

“Well… I guess I-”, you had to cut off mid sentence, because something familiar began to tickle your ears — a laugh, one you’d been aching to hear all day.

“Belphie, is that… is that Mammon? Where has he been all day?”, you were asking the question, but your legs were already moving you out the door away from the answer. He replied, but you could only piece together bits as you got further away from him, following the voice of the snow-haired boy instead. Argument, Mammon left, crashed with friends, all night, definitely in trouble. That’s what you processed.

“Mammon-” you rounded the corner, but halted in your tracks, backing behind it when you came near face-to-face with a group of demons much taller and much stronger than you, energies darker than the ones you were used to being surrounded by.

He hadn’t heard you.

“Bro, that was a riot. You gotta swing with us more often my man”.

“Ya know Lucifer wouldn’t even think ‘bout lettin’ me ride with you guys on the day-to-day. ‘Sides, I got things to do”.

“You mean a human to babysit?”, your breath caught in your throat. You heard Mammon scoff.

“No! I do what I want. They’re cool.”

Your heart pounded into your throat (but that’s something you’d never let him know). You were just friends, and you weren’t sure if you’d ever be more. Sure, he was terrible at hiding how much he cared about you, and sure, he was ridiculously possessive over you, but he’s also the Avatar of Greed, so how much of that is him needing you versus his sin needing you? The way you saw it, neither of those things amounted to relationship-worthy love.

The conversation was droning on, and you’d almost forgotten you were listening.

“So, you fuckin that then or what?”

Your head snapped back into full awareness, the tone of your feelings completely changing every second, anxiously awaiting your favorite demon’s reply. Why were you so nervous? He wouldn’t lie about you, he wouldn’t slander your name — not with what people already thought of you because you lived in a giant house with 7 painfully-attractive, desire-filled, and experienced, rulers of Hell.

“Yeah, the rumors true?”

Mammon’s voice came next at a grumble.

He stuttered it.

You almost didn’t catch it.

You must not have.

“Y-yeah. No, I mean absolutely. I mean, how could a human even turn down The Great Mammon? They couldn’t, and they don’t.”

You must not have heard it — but you did, and you almost wished you hadn’t

Before your thoughts could catch up with your limbs, you found yourself rounding the corner yet again. “Yeah, how could they not, Mammon?”, your voice cracking at the end, despite all your efforts to come across smooth and level-headed.

“MC..”, Mammon’s mouth instantly hung open, his chill facade easily melting away. He looked almost identical to a lost puppy within moments.

“Oh you can bet, Mammon fucks me every single night — no feelings involved, because that’s just the kind of big man he is. He’s even fucking me RIGHT NOW. Right, Mon?”, you seethed his nickname through your teeth. Tears were starting to puddle at the lids of your eyes, threatening to expose just how much you really cared for him, and just how unspeakably broken you felt in that moment.

“M-MC. Pl- please don’t —“, he was already approaching you, pushing past the group of boys. You turned on your heel, catching the watching eyes of Belphie at the end of the hall. You ran for him until you were in reach to yank on his arm, pulling him behind you, as fast and as far away from that school, and Mammon, as possible.

“MC!”

Mammon will always be there.

Mammon would not always be there. This was a new truth you heartbrokenly added to your list.

———————————————————-

Your room was icily cold, numbingly so.

You always kept it like that when you were sad, hoping maybe some of the lack of feeling in your body would translate to your heart.

Hoping you wouldn’t feel so shattered.

You trusted him. And he broke it. He broke you.

These are obvious statements, but as you laid solemnly tucked under a heap of blankets, you couldn’t help but run them, and the scene from today, over and over again through your brain.

Maybe you were overreacting?

Mammon had always been the brother, despite his tsundere attitude, who protected you. He never lost his cool with you, and he never treated you poorly. Maybe he made a few callous remarks here and there, but they were gentle underneath, and just his own way of showing you a glimpse of the angel wings he’d lost a long time ago.

Mammon had become your home.

“MC?”

The voice was muffled through the door, but it was undoubtedly him. You weren’t sure if you were shocked, happy, angry, or assured that he had come, but either way, you wouldn’t dare leave your covers to open the locked door. Not yet.

“MC. Please. Open the door. I-I just wanna talk to ya…”

You didn’t budge.

“I will kick this down, ya know”. You were both quiet until you heard some shuffling outside. Your eyes went wide, ready for a foot to come flying through shards of your door. You scrambled to your feet, stumbling over to the rusted knob.

You cracked it open.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to sleep in Beel’s room another week because my room needs renovating for the millionth time.”

Mammon smiled shyly at you, apologetically more than anything.

“Can I.. ya know, come in?”

You pulled out of the way, making just enough room for the tall, lean demon to slip through the crack in your door.

The moment he stepped in, he was engulfed in darkness, nothing but dim threads of moonlight that seeped in through your curtains to highlight the sharp features of his face and body. He’d shed his jacket since earlier, leaving him in his fitted black tee and jeans.

So beautiful.

You mentally slapped yourself for even thinking about it.

You were mad at him.

“So. Please talk. I’m exhausted and wasn’t planning on even looking at you tonight.” You were curt. But you had to be, or else you wouldn’t be able to hold anything back, whether that be anger, or adoration.

He looked taken back — hurt — too. He glanced at your bed and the candy wrappers strewn about the floor. Mammon wasn’t too bright, but he knew enough to know when someone had been crying for well over an hour.

On a normal occasion, he would’ve thrown himself onto your sheets, rolling until he found a comfortable position to scroll his D.D.D. and poke at you for hours.

But tonight, he awkwardly crossed his arms and shuffled his feet, clearly unsure of what to say first — or at all, for that matter.

“I-“

You raised a tired eye, cueing him to spit whatever excuse he could possibly say out.

“I get a bad rep sometimes.”

What?

“For liking ya.. Hanging with ya.”

If this was an apology, it was the worst one you’d ever heard in your life.

“Oh? Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a burden to your bravado. Let me continue to take myself out of the picture.” You pointed at the door for him to leave, ready to break down the moment he walked through.

“No! That- that’s not what I meant.” He made eye contact for a mere moment, silently begging for you to see his sincerity.

“Is anything ever what you mean, Mammon?” The use of his full name in a mix with that tone clearly set him back, but he shook it off hurriedly.

“Yes! I mean, I don’t care. Usually. I’d-I’d just had a rough day with Luci. Rough life, more like, and I was tired of feelin’ like shit ‘bout myself. Nazriel’s question jus’ threw me off. I-I wanted to seem cool, so I said what I knew would make me, and-“

“And you’re a piece of shit for it”.

You weren’t wrong. And he knew that.

“... and I’m a piece of shit for it.”

There was a pause before he hesitantly continued.

“I wound up bein’ exactly what I was tryin’ not to be. Scummy.”

He raised his eyes to meet yours, blue hues morphing into gold flecks like waves crashing on the beach. Your breath hitched and caught in your throat, only now realizing that the whole time you’d been arguing, you’d both been slowly edging together. Now, you were dangerously close.

“You aren’t scummy, Mammon…”, you began to tenderly look at him.

“Yeah.. I am. But that’s just me, I guess. I can’t mind it.”

He took one step, leaving you toe to toe. Though one of the shorter of the boys, he still towered over you.

“I jus’ can’t be scummy to you.”

You tilted your head, heart and body language softening as he spoke.

“I shouldn’t be, and I don’ wanna be”.

His hands cautiously made their way to your shoulders, and you shuddered at the feeling that made its way through your bones.

“Mammon?”

“Yeah?”

“That apology shouldn’t have worked.”

He chuckled, “you’re right.”

You smiled, a true smile. The first one all day. And what came next, you knew probably shouldn’t. But you also didn’t really care.

“Mammon?”

He hummed in response, and you stood as high as you could on your tip-toes to kiss his cheek. His face deeply rouged the moment your lips met his hot skin.

His eyes were wide as you lowered yourself down, leaving a hand lingering on his arm.

In that moment, his aura shifted, and everything was suspensefully still. Within seconds, his arms wrapped you in a crushing hug, his breath heavy and warm behind your ear.

You sunk your weight into his, relishing the relief from the chill of your room, as you snaked your arms behind his back.

You weren’t entirely sure how long you stood like that, but you knew it must’ve been a while, because his grip was starting to affect your breathing.

“Mon- air”,

He lightened up and pulled back from you.

“S-sorry!”

Your lips turned up at the sight of his cute embarrassment. He scowled at you, knowing what you were thinking, but slowly started to laugh.

He leaned his forehead against yours, the sudden proximity causing you to let out a slight squeak.

“Ya drive me nuts, ya know?”

You searched his eyes, trying to make sure he was saying what you really thought he was.

This was a bad idea. For so many reasons.

But truthfully, neither of you gave two shits.

So he ghosted his lips over yours, his left fang biting his bottom, waiting for the sign to move — the sign that you wanted him, the sign that he would be enough.

The second you tilted your nose to the side of his, he crashed his mouth into yours.

From all the “first kisses” with your “first man” that you’d imagined, this was like none of them.

It was so

so much better.

It was fast, it was hard, but it wasn’t rough. It wasn’t brutal. It wasn’t empty. It was a cataclysm of feelings — pent up tension, pent up love.

As he dragged his mouth over yours, he hooked his hands under your legs, lifting you to wrap around him in one, swift movement. Then, he was on the move, backing himself toward your bed until the back of his knees met the mattress, and he collapsed, pulling your legs to straddle his lap. You hadn’t disconnected from his lips the entire time, still fervently needing more of him. You knew he felt the same. The demon of greed would most certainly never have enough of you. He tasted sweet and smelled strongly of an expensive cologne you knew he probably couldn’t actually afford. One of his hands stayed splayed on the top of your thigh, while the other worked to bring you even closer to him (if that was possible), pressing underneath your shirt to the skin on your back, two fingers edging their way into the beltline of your shorts.

He was careful not to take himself too far, to not lose control, and you could tell, so you worked your tongue past his lips. He sucked in a breath as the complete access to your mouth made room for him to deepen his greed for you. Slipping his tongue to meet yours, he nipped at your bottom lip, working his entire mouth in a blissful harmony.

He pulled back, heaving air, seeping desire from every muscle, just enough to speak to you,

“MC… I-I can’t… I can’t handle this... well... for much longer. I don’ know what I’m gonna do to ya…”, he began to pepper wet kisses down your neck, unable to keep himself off you long enough to even hear your reply.

You weren’t sure what else you were expecting, or if you were expecting anything else at all.

You were making out with a demon, after all.

You moved a hand to rake your nails through his frosty hair, and he leaned into the palm of your touch.

“It’s okay. I want you. All of you...”, it was only a whisper, but you were afraid if you spoke too loud, you’d snap the moment in half.

He did nothing but growl before reattaching his lips to yours, bringing his slender fingers to tug up at the hem of your shirt.

“I’m gonna do my best not to hurt ya…” he mumbled on your lips. You simply nodded, running your hands against his abs. He shivered at the contact, before helping you remove his own shirt.

Somewhere in the midst of him sliding on top of you, and the complete sight of the demon boy you had always longed for filling your soul, you heard the faintest of three words. You almost tricked yourself into believing they never entered the air, that they’d never left his lips.

But they were impossible to ignore.

“I love you”.

The sun will (sort of) rise.

The sun will (kind of) set.

You live in Hell, with 7 boys you dearly love,

but one holds you in the palm of his hand.

Mammon will always be there.

That night, he proved that truth to you over, and over again.

fin.

115 notes · View notes

astralaffairs · 4 years

Text

voltaire to versace 03 | thomas jefferson

title: voltaire to versace 03

pairing: professor!thomas jefferson x reader

words: 16.4k whups

warnings: sex jokes n references again, dolley simping for james again, but probably more this time, implied sex except dolley’s having it instead of mc, maria and angelica are girlfriends, lafayette is basically everyone’s plug for weed so like,, drug references and alcohol references??, very much sexual tension

desc: from francis bacon to foucault, descartes to dante, your political philosophy seminar doesn’t promise to be a blowout — and yet, one mysterious stranger and a risqué evening later, your burberry-clad professor gives you the feeling it won’t be quite the snoozefest you’d expected.

tags: @lunariasilver @tinywhim @nyxie75 @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @checkurwindow @katierpblogg @cubedtriangle @lunariasilver @lexylovesfandoms @fanfic-addict-98 @stephyra17 @notebookgirl30 @exorcisms-with-elmo @kmsmedine @itshaileyn @honeyand-roses — let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future parts!

"Wait, so you're going to do it, right?"

It wasn't until Friday morning that Y/N told Dolley about Thomas's offer, both of them seated at a corner table in the coffee shop in the middle of campus. Y/N shrugged, taking a sip of her latte.

"I dunno, Doll. It seems like it could be... risky."

"How so?" Dolley set down her cup, squinting at her skeptically, and she pursed her lips.

"Listen, he's a good professor, and he and I have a good relationship or whatever, but I'm not sure what a great idea it is for me to be with him too much more often."

"Is your self-control already waning?" Dolley gave Y/N a look of disbelief, and she answered it with a sigh.

"I'm not gonna make a move on him; I swear," she said, expression dead serious, but when she continued, her voice dropped just a few decibels. "But... if I had the chance to sleep with him again, I wouldn't hesitate to take it. And I really can't have that happen."

"How the hell do you think becoming his TA is going to turn into sex?" Dolley asked incredulously. "You know I adore you, but I do not adore when you're self-sabotaging."

"I'm not self-sabotaging," Y/N insisted, and though she'd hoped the statement would sound reasonable, she just came off as defensive. "I'm being careful. I know myself, and I know that early January was some of the best sex I've had in a while."

"Sounds to me like you're pent up." Dolley raised her eyebrows, giving Y/N a pointed look, at which she scowled. "Just fuck someone from Alpha Phi Omega and then take the TA position."

"You don't get it," Y/N groaned. "Half the time, his office hours are just like some mildly awkward run-in with a one-night stand. It's casual enough that there's no real issue, but there's always just a little bit of... discomfort."

"That's called sexual tension, dear." The look in her eyes was knowing. "And it doesn't go away when you turn down positions that will look good on grad school applications."

A beat passed in silence, and finally, Y/N sighed.

"You're right. That's kinda my point, though." She pursed her lips; the nod she gave looked resigned, both disappointed and on edge. "It also doesn't go away when I do take those positions. And I don't wanna fuck up and make everything even more awkward."

"Y/N. I believe in you." Dolley took one of Y/N's hands in hers, picking it up from where she'd rested it on the table as she slumped over in her fit of angst. "You're strong. You can work with a man without fucking him."

Y/N scowled. "Well, when you put it like that, you're making it sound like I'm some kind of sex fiend."

"That's what you're acting like!"

"Fuck off, Dolley; no, I'm not." She folded her arms, pushing her mug and saucer to the side of the table. "My most recent one-night stand turned out to be my professor, and now he's asking me to be his TA. I'm allowed to be a little hesitant."

Dolley pursed her lips. "You might have a point."

"Thanks, I'm thrilled to hear it," Y/N responded dryly. "But... I'll figure it out. I doubt it could really turn out all that badly. I can handle myself."

"That's the spirit." Dolley did not sound enthusiastic. "But you really need to..."

Dolley trailed off with wide eyes, her gaze apparently having caught something across the café. Y/N eyed her skeptically, raised an eyebrow. "... Dolley? You still with me?"

She waited a moment, watching to see if her attention would recover, but when it didn't she waved a hand in front of her, trying to break her stare, but it was apparently locked elsewhere. "Hello? Anybody home?" Another moment of quiet, and eventually, Y/N snapped her fingers in front of her face. "Dolley!"

"Hm?" Her eyes snapped back to Y/N's almost too quickly, and Y/N raised an eyebrow.

"What are you looking at?"

"Oh... um, nothing. I just spaced out." The smile that had begun to split her expression said otherwise, though.

"Oh, really?" Y/N's eyes narrowed, shifting in her chair to glance back over her shoulder. "What's back there? Did you see someone? Are you— Oh!" She stopped speaking abruptly, her eyes widening, and when she whipped back around to face Dolley, her grin was sheepish. "That's James, isn't it?"

"Shh, not so loud!" Dolley said, shoving her arm. The giddiness written across her face didn't help her case as she attempted to scold Y/N. "Yes, that's him. Yellow sweater, grey coat."

"He's cute," Y/N commented, taking another less-than-sneaky glance over her shoulder at him, before she turned back to Dolley with an expectant look. "So? Are you going to go talk to him?"

"Right now?" At the question, Dolley's smile dropped. It seemed as if she'd been blindsided, as though upon seeing the man she'd been sleeping with for weeks on end, Y/N was going to encourage her to ignore him.

"Yes, right now!" Y/N was just watching her with disbelief. "What's the issue?"

"I... I don't know," Dolley said softly. Her tiny, dopey grin had been restored, but it was now tainted with anxiety. "I really like him, but..."

"... But?"

Her sigh was heavy. "I'm worried he and I don't have much in common. He's, like, the strong and silent type, y'know?"

Y/N pursed her lips, biting back a wince. "That's so clichéd, Doll."

"I know, I know," she groaned, plastering on a pleading pout. "Just bear with me. Please."

There was a skip, and Y/N was eyeing Dolley warily. "You know I'm always here to listen. But if you get too self-destructive, I don't wanna hear it."

"I won't!" she defended, and a grin was stretching across her face at the whole situation, making Y/N's contempt soften to skepticism. "I just don't know what I want, okay? And worse yet, I don't know what he wants."

"I promise, no one's expecting you to turn into a mind reader. Least of all James."

"I know," she sighed, drawing out the words in the midst of her apparent (or perhaps dramatized) emotional exhaustion. "But he's quiet. He doesn't say much, and you know that always freaks me out a little."

"So I hear."

"But... we get along well. He's nice to be around. He puts me at ease."

"Aww, Dolley, are you falling for him?" That time, it was Y/N's turn to pull on a contrived pout, squeezing Dolley's forearm lightly, and though she rolled her eyes, Dolley still looked as though she was the least bit absent, her head still coming back down from the clouds. "That's sweet."

"I know, I know," she said, biting her lip in a weak effort to hide her smile. "But... you know me. I'm not the quiet type. Quite the opposite."

"That might even be an understatement," Y/N muttered, breaking her gaze briefly, and Dolley scoffed.

"Oh, shut up! I already know that, and I don't wanna hear it." She gave Y/N a pointed look. "But he and I are so different, and I'm worried that I'll end up being too much for him. I don't wanna be overbearing."

Her final sentence was quiet, and Y/N could hear her insecurities weakening her conviction. "You're not overbearing, or overwhelming, or 'too much,'" she assured her, and Dolley covered her hand with her own, squeezing it lightly, affection in her eyes. "And if he's right for you, I'm sure he agrees. You're excellent; don't try to change for him. It won't make you happy."

"You're right, as usual," she sighed, "And... I do want to talk to him, something you know very well. But who knows if he wants to talk to me?"

"Well, he keeps glancing over in our direction," Y/N said matter-of-factly, and Dolley's eyes went wide.

"He is? Wait, where is he?" Her gaze began to dart back and forth, and Y/N couldn't help her light laugh.

"He just got back from picking up his drink, and now he's at the table a few behind you," she said, dropping her voice before adding, "And I've already made awkward eye contact with him too many times, so now if you don't talk to him, I'm gonna look like a total creep."

"Y/N!" she scolded her, but the laugh in her voice betrayed her indignance. She glanced back over her shoulder, and Y/N saw James nod to her when he caught her gaze, the corners of his lips quirking up into a shadow of a smile. She offered him a shy wave.

Quite frankly, Y/N had never seen her like that before, not in all her years of knowing her. Dolley's baseline tended to be everyone else's two-ecstasy-pills-deep, and usually, other people in the mix just fueled the fire of her perpetual enthusiasm — Y/N had never seen a man make her timid, though, of all things.

She couldn't help but think it was kind of cute.

Dolley held his stare another moment, before he finally decided to stand, beginning to make his way over to where they were sitting, and Dolley spun around in her seat, her wide eyes meeting Y/N's. "He's headed over!" she whispered, but the panic in her voice wasn't quite authentic; more of it than Y/N would've expected was simply excitement.

"So I see," Y/N said, wry amusement coloring her tone. She glanced up to her right a moment later, taking a sip of her coffee, before saying, "It's James, right?"

Dolley let out a surprised squeak when he walked up on her left, almost flinching in her seat, and his smile was subtle.

"That would be me. And you are?" He raised his eyebrows at Y/N, taking a sip from his to-go cup.

"I'm Y/N. Dolley's roommate," she nodded to her with a grin. "I'm glad to officially meet you, after hearing about you for weeks on end."

"Y/N!" Dolley murmured, urgency thick in her voice, her accusatory stare what she seemed to think to be covert. As though James couldn't hear her from a foot away.

"I've been mentioned?" James looked pleasantly surprised, but there was no ego in his smile. Y/N nodded.

"Oh, yeah. More than a couple times," she assured him. "I can't seem to stop hearing about you, really."

He chuckled, and Dolley's gaze softened. "I should hope that's a good thing."

"I can corroborate," Y/N said. "So you're a PhD candidate?"

"That I am. Studying economics."

"So, what, you want to go into business? Accounting?"

"Public policy, actually."

"Oh, really?" Her eyebrows shot up, and her smile widened into a grin. "I like you already."

That time, his laugh was still quiet, but it was warmer, more robust. "Consider me flattered. Dolley speaks very highly of you, as well."

"Aww, Doll!" Y/N plastered on a pout, reaching across the table. "I knew you'd been secretly in love with me this whole time."

"You shut it," Dolley replied, and though she gave Y/N a pointed look, she was biting back a laugh.

"Really? You still don't wanna go public with our relationship?" Dramatized dismay permeated Y/N's voice, and anyone would've had to hand it to her - the hurt look she wore almost seemed authentic.

"Oh my God, Y/N," Dolley huffed. "That's about enough, thank you."

When she glanced back up, Dolley bit her lip once more; thankfully, James didn't look put-off by the interaction, only amused. A beat passed in silence, and Y/N shifted awkwardly in her seat, not sure what to do with the heavy, prolonged eye-contact taking place across from her. It wasn't until she picked up her mug and saucer, the ceramics clinking together, that they seemed to regain a sense of awareness.

James's eyes were wide as he glanced back at Y/N. "I... won't intrude on your coffee date any longer, but truly, it's been a pleasure, Y/N."

"Oh, no, no, don't go." She waved off his farewell, scrambling to pull her backpack onto her shoulder, picking up her dishes as she did so. "I have a meeting to be at that, really, I'm almost running late for, so please, stay. Keep Dolley company."

She gave him a bright smile as she stood, pushing her wooden chair out behind her as she collected her used napkin and mixing spoon, but Dolley looked hesitant. "Oh, that's not necessary, really. I'll be just fine—"

"Relax, Dolley. I know you deal with crippling loneliness in my absence; it's really nothing to be ashamed of," Y/N reassured her, her voice mockingly gentle. Dolley rolled her eyes; the sound that escaped her was all but a snort of laughter.

"Oh, of course, dear. Because what more could I want than to spend every minute of my day with you?" she replied sarcastically, and Y/N grinned.

"I know. It's a blessing and a curse." She took a few steps back, though, nodding to her abandoned seat as she started on her path toward the counter. "Seriously, though, James. Please, sit."

She saw him raise an eyebrow at Dolley before she turned to discard her dishes into the basin by the end of the counter.

"May I?" he asked. When Y/N glanced back over her shoulder, she caught just a glimpse of Dolley's sheepish smile.

"I'd like that."

Y/N took the back exit out.

___________________

"Are you sure I was included in that invite?" Y/N's voice was skeptical as she crossed the green toward Thomas's office, hours later. Apparently, hours that Dolley and James had ultimately spent together, taking a walk through the city for much of their afternoon. (When Dolley told Y/N that the two-mile loop near the Lincoln Memorial had taken them two hours to walk through, she had a sneaking suspicion walking wasn't all they were doing. Hopefully, they'd at least escaped the watchful eye of our oversized 16th president.)

"Yes, I'm certain you were," Dolley insisted from the other end of the phone's line. "He said it'd be great if I brought you."

"... This sounds suspiciously like a pity invite."

"It isn't a pity invite!" Y/N could hear the indignance in her voice.

"Dolley, why, exactly, would he want me there if it wasn't a pity invite?"

"... Because you're my best friend, and he's decided to make an effort to get to know you better?"

She laughed. "As much as I appreciate this idealized James Madison, I have a feeling it was more to the effect of 'I just saw your roommate and feel obligated to invite her'," Y/N corrected her. "But go to the party without me! Don't let me hold you back from having your fun, alright?"

"Please come? It wouldn't be the same without you." Dolley's voice was high, containing traces of what almost smelled like desperation. "It'll make me much more comfortable to have you along."

Y/N groaned. "So when you and James go make out in the bathroom, I'm supposed to, what, play truth or dare with all the other PhD candidates?"

"Why not?" Dolley's tone was mild, which made Y/N roll her eyes.

"No offense to James's friends, but I'm not sure I want to spend an evening making stunted small talk with them."

"You're such a warm person, though! You'd be quite alright."

"It'd be awkward!"

"Please, Y/N? I'll beg you if that's what it'll take."

She scowled at how soft, forlorn Dolley's voice had become. As far as she was concerned, this was akin to emotional manipulation. "Does it really mean that much to you?"

"Yes. I like him so much."

She sighed. "I'm gonna say yes solely because I have somewhere to be and can't deal with this argument anymore. But you owe me."

Y/N could almost picture Dolley's sappy smile. "Thank you so much, dear. You're too good to me."

"Yeah, yeah, what else is new?" Her words elicited a laugh from Dolley, and Y/N continued, "But you know I'd do pretty much whatever you asked if you asked it in that I'm-about-to-cry voice, so I'm not sure this relationship is healthy for me anymore."

"Oh, of course; I'm truly a parasite," Dolley sighed. "Taking you into my house and home, paying for your meals — how evil of me."

"I pay half the rent, and we literally only eat ramen," Y/N defended, but the words were lighthearted nonetheless. "Next time you give up five perfectly good hours of a Friday night so that I can get laid, we'll call it even."

"Don't make any calls about Friday just yet. You haven't even seen James's friends." Dolley's voice was just teasing enough to placate Y/N. "I may not be the only one having some fun."

"Have you even seen James's friends?" Y/N asked dubiously, and Dolley's silence told her all there was to know. "That's what I thought. He's an econ student, so it's probably gonna be about eighty percent entitled rich men attending school on family money."

"Or they could all be just your type," Dolley reasoned, but by then, any efforts to talk Y/N out of her convictions were futile. "Tall, hot, and older."

"First off, I don't have a type, and second, just because you're dating an 'older man'," — The final two words were said mockingly — "doesn't mean that his older friends aren't still douches."

"I hate to have to be the one to break it to you, but that is absolutely your type."

"Based on what?"

"That professor of yours?"

"Dolley!" Y/N scowled, turning down the volume on her call just in case some passing pedestrians were notorious gossips with super-hearing. It was certainly possible. "Can you please stop talking about him like that? Don't make it a thing," she murmured, jaw tense.

"Oh, we're well past that, dear," Dolley said matter-of-factly, and Y/N could only roll her eyes. "But if you've agreed to the party, I won't push my luck."

"Smart choice," she muttered bitterly. "Anyway, I've gotta go. Talk to you later tonight?"

"Of course."

With that, she hung up the phone before Dolley could take advantage of her giving mood and start making further outlandish demands, tucking it into her coat pocket as she pushed open the door to Melos Hall. Unfortunately for her, the elevator was broken, and Thomas's office was several flights of stairs above her.

After at least eight long pauses for her to catch her breath, heaving as she leaned against the railing in the stairwell, and three stomach cramps, Y/N knocked on his door. "Anybody home?"

"C'mon in." His voice was soft, muffled through the door, and she opened it to find him all but slumped on his desk, resting his head on his hand as he graded papers he appeared to be rather cross with, and with more of said papers covering the entirety of the desk's surface (and much of the floor). He glanced up when she entered, and a soft grin split his expression. "Hey, I thought that was you."

"I'm in absolute awe of your pattern-recognition skills, really," she replied, tone dry as she let the door fall shut behind her, and despite the playful smile she wore, Thomas rolled his eyes.

"You actually here for anything, or am I gonna have to kick you out?"

She laughed. "I'm not here to derail your work, I swear." He raised a dubious eyebrow. "I was just stopping by to let you know that, assuming it's still on the table, I'd love the TA position."

"Oh, yeah?" His smile widened almost imperceptibly at her words, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "'M glad to hear it. Could've just shot me an email, though."

She shrugged. "I was headed this way anyway. Figured I may as well stop by."

"I'm not complainin'." She let out a soft huff of laughter at the words, but she could feel heat beginning to creep up the back of her neck. "'S good timing, anyway. Intro to IR just turned in an essay on Kant."

The soft groan she let out only served to amuse him further as she surveyed the wreckage of his office. "That's what all this paper is?" He nodded in confirmation, and she scrunched up her nose. "I'm not sure if I feel worse for the freshmen who had to write them or for you having to read them."

"Well, I should hope it's the freshmen," he said matter-of-factly, sitting back in his chair. The smile he wore was concerningly self-righteous. "'Cause, now, readin' these is your job, too."

Her eyebrows shot up; the dread in her gaze was the furthest thing from contrived. "... Is it too late to rescind my application as a TA?"

He shook his head. "Mm-mm. You're welcome to abandon ship."

She didn't like the satisfaction which grew in his gaze as she weighed her options; they both knew she wasn't considering turning down the position in earnest — that simple fact left Thomas unnecessarily smug. Another beat passed, and she sighed. "You're lucky this is going to look good on my grad school applications."

He laughed. "Sure am. I could use all the help I can get, right now."

"I can see that," she replied, voice laden with amusement at the state of his office.

However, Thomas said nothing more, and she shifted on her feet, uncomfortable with the drawn-out silence. He raised an expectant eyebrow, and it took her a moment to grasp his intention. "Wait... d'you mean, like, right now?"

"Unless you're busy." He shrugged. His gaze was hopeful as she eyed warily the small stack of papers she'd spent the past few minutes trying not to crush under her boot. She sighed.

He grinned when she bent over to pick up the papers that'd floated to her side of the desk. "As depressing as it feels to say, I've got nowhere else to be on this fine Friday night."

"That's the spirit." He winked, and though she rolled her eyes, her amused smile was deep-set. "So, you're gradin' for accuracy and watchin' out for grammar, of course, but the points are really earned for analysis. The paper's on changes in the international system. They've gotta connect 'em back to Kant's maxims."

She let out a low whistle as she took a seat across from him, plucking a red pen from his cup and dropping her bag onto the floor. "That certainly sounds pretentious."

He laughed lightly. "You really tellin' me you didn't have to do anything like this as a freshman?"

"Oh, I wish I could say that, but unfortunately, my professor was apparently every bit the pseudointellectual you are." She nodded sadly, and Thomas rolled his eyes.

"Hilarious, sweetheart, really." In the dry sarcasm of his tone, the casual pet name didn't seem to register with him, but Y/N couldn't help but notice, and her breath caught. "Here, lemme get you a copy of the rubric. 'S nothin' too complicated; go easy on 'em. Got some STEM majors in the class who're just takin' it for the graduation requirement, so I'm not expectin' much."

She pursed her lips. "Are the essays that bad?"

He deadpanned as he turned back to her, sliding the rubric across the desk. "At least as bad as I'm makin' 'em sound."

Y/N let out a long, dramatic huff, rubbing her temples, and Thomas looked thoroughly entertained at her reaction.

"I'm in for a long few months, aren't I?"

______________________

Thomas texted her the next day, too — she'd been the one to ask for his number, its utility obvious considering she was now going to be working with him, but he didn't give it up without teasing her just a bit for asking. When she opened it, she found that his request was just for her to drop by and pick up as many more essays as she was willing to grade by Monday, but when she arrived at his office, it quickly became clear to both of them that she was in no hurry to leave.

She showed up around eight, a decision that had everything to do with her having been out all afternoon running errands and nothing to do with the unfortunately appealing idea of being in his office late into the night — or so she told herself. It was hesitant both when she offered to stay and work on them with him and when he accepted. As she'd cautiously anticipated, her new role felt like walking an impossibly fragile line, and it'd hardly been twenty-four hours.

Subliminal tension remained in the air, hanging heavier than either of them would've claimed, but the hours flowed by easily. The hills upon mountains of student work they had to dig through didn't feel like the burden they were, either, not with the light atmosphere they'd managed to create, cracking jokes and swapping input.

She couldn't place when it'd become so comfortable for her to be around him.

"Hey, can I get your take on this?" Y/N held up what must've been her twentieth paper of the night, red pen between her teeth, and Thomas glanced down from where he was standing beside the desk, sorting the finished papers for his classes.

"Mhm, what's up?"

"Personally, I kind of hate this kid's analysis, but I'm struggling to determine whether there's anything actually wrong with it or if I'm just biased." She pursed her lips. "Here, come look at this third paragraph."

He set down the essay he was leafing through and walked around to join her, resting one hand on the back of her chair and the other on the desk beside her. He wasn't looking in her direction, his lips pursed as he scanned the page. However, her heart rate had begun to pick up in the immediate proximity, and she was on edge, able to feel his body heat radiating off of him from just inches to her left. Her breath hitched when he spoke. "This essay's a mess."

Despite the tension in her body, she let out a surprised laugh. "My thoughts exactly."

"Which part are you strugglin' with?"

"Right here." She turned the paper slightly, its words now directly facing him, and tapped on the sentence that'd given her pause. "It's not a great interpretation of the quote he used, in my opinion, but it's one I've heard in academic circles time and time again. It's defensible, but since his organization is fundamentally nonexistent, I'm not sure how well he's defended it."

Thomas raised an amused eyebrow. "How much of your free time are you dedicatin' to discussin' Kant?"

Y/N only rolled her eyes, ignoring the thrum of her heart against her ribcage as he turned his head to face her. He was only inches away. "Oh, shut up; I'm not dedicating any." He eyed her with disbelief, and she could tell he was still stuck on her first sentence. "I took a class focused on this book in high school, alright?"

"What kinda high school did you go to?"

"The class was through a local university." She shrugged, and he looked rather impressed. The small smile he wore wasn't helping her spiking pulse. "What? I was hoping to graduate from college early. I would've, too, if I hadn't spent a year traveling to figure out my life."

"And your plan for gettin' college credit was to take a philosophy class, of all things? Does that even fulfill a credit requirement?" Despite the disbelief in his voice, he seemed somewhat fascinated with the idea, was watching her like she was some sort of a puzzle.

"Anywhere I went would've made me retake core classes," she said mildly, and he cocked his head to one side. It wasn't lost on her how he hadn't withdrawn even a centimeter; she could feel traces of his breath on her skin. "It was just another credit toward graduation."

He gave an obliging nod, a half-shrug at her words. "Guess so. You surprise me sometimes, though."

"It's also made your class a breeze, but that's just an added bonus," she added, and he laughed, breaking his deliberative demeanor.

"You really think my class is easy?"

She shrugged, wearing a self-contented smile. "My grades speak for themselves, don't they?"

"I seem to remember a couple nights of office hours that'd contradict that." He raised an amused eyebrow, giving her a pointed look, but her grin broadened.

"Listen, if you gave clearer instructions, I wouldn't need to show up here twice a week to ask you what the fuck you were talking about, alright?"

He gave a skeptical hum. "Now, why aren't you askin' your questions in class, then? 'S awfully selfish; I'm sure your classmates would benefit from hearin' the answers, too."

"I think they'd benefit more from you actually doing your job."

"If you aren't askin', how am I supposed to know what isn't makin' sense?" He shrugged, and the playful glint in his eyes had her gaze locked onto his. He didn't think a single second further before he continued; over the past few minutes, his mind had reverted to its setting from one fateful January night spent in the speakeasy on 4th Street. "Or, maybe, you've just been comin' here at night lookin' to get me alone."

She inhaled sharply; her stomach turned, and at first, neither of them broke the eye contact. When Y/N finally did, it was because her stare had trailed down to rest at his lips, and she swallowed roughly at the smug smile he wore. Her gaze jumped back to his — he raised an eyebrow. Apparently, her wandering eyes hadn't gone unnoticed.

Something about it was intoxicating, whether due to the musky scent of his cologne or to the wild, forbidden temptation of it all. Y/N was certain that, were this the Garden of Eden, she'd fare no better than Eve.

It was her nerves that saved her, ultimately. She was terrified to push that boundary, and despite his usually-lighthearted teasing, Thomas had resolutely decided where lay the line he couldn't cross. Thus, neither of them moved for another moment, but Y/N drew in a shaky breath, turning her head back to the paper before them.

"So, what's your conclusion on the essay?" Her voice was small, and it was only then that Thomas seemed to have remembered where they were. A shudder ran through his spine; it almost looked to be shaking him back to the present, metaphysically knocking some sense into him.

The silence was heavy as his eyes ran over the paper, muttering the words under his breath as he read and re-read the paragraph. He'd shifted further from Y/N, his adamant decision being that the more space there was between them, the less likely he was to forget himself, and his brow was knit as he stared down at the words. "This interpretation's full of shit," he huffed. "Think this kid plagiarized it; doesn't seem like he understands it. From what I can tell, he pulled half the language from other authors."

He picked it up with him when he drew back from Y/N, returning to his side of the desk. It was then that her breathing once again leveled out.

"So should I assume he's not getting the complexity point?" The expression she contrived was intended to be lighthearted, but it was laden with tension.

"'S doubtful. 'M gonna have to meet with him sometime this week. Just hopin' I won't have to report it as some kinda case of academic dishonesty." He folded it in half, pulling his briefcase onto the desk and tucking it in among his many other loose papers. "But for now, 's gettin' late; I need to head out. My roommate'll be wonderin' where I am pretty soon."

He didn't meet her eyes for another moment, instead focused on getting his office in order as much as it could be for the evening, and Y/N plunked his red pen back into its metal cup. She stretched as she stood from her chair wordlessly, letting out a light yawn. "Yeah, that's a good call. I think we're both a little out of it; probably not the best for grading essays right now." She offered Thomas a conciliatory smile when he glanced over at her. He nodded.

"I think you're right." A moment passed in silence as he dug through one of his folders, dropped something into one of the drawers of his desk. It almost seemed offhanded when he asked, "Any chance I can offer you a ride home? Your place is on my way."

"Oh, um..." She blinked as she trailed off, looking back at him in surprise as she picked up her bag. When she didn't continue, only eyeing him warily, he sighed.

"Don't look at me like that." He shrugged on his jacket. "I don't have some ulterior motive, alright? If you don't wanna accept, don't worry about it; I won't be offended. Just wanna make sure you're gettin' home safe."

"I dunno..." She paused, seeming to have corrected herself midsentence when she finished with, "... Professor Jefferson. I'm not sure it's the best idea."

"Your call," he said, and he hesitated for a long moment before continuing. "For the future, can I ask you to just tell me straight out if I'm ever makin' you uncomfortable? Wish I could pretend this was just any other circumstance—" He gestured between the two of them. "—but it's my first time spendin' a semester teachin' a student who I slept with before, and I'm really tryin' not to overstep."

How matter-of-factly he spoke made Y/N laugh, a genuine, albeit surprised, laugh. "Don't worry. I'm not uncomfortable; I just don't know if it's smart for me to keep testing my self-control."

He watched her skeptically as she spoke, pulling her own coat back on. "... Alright, but I'm serious. Don't hesitate to bring it up if I'm toein' a line."

She looked back at him, amusement thick in her gaze. "Thanks, but I'm not sure your untarnished intentions are going to stop this from being weird once in a while. It's also my first time having a professor who I've screwed, for the record."

He smiled. "I figured."

"But if I really minded," she continued, buttoning up her jacket. "I wouldn't spend so much time in your office hours, and I certainly wouldn't have agreed to be your TA. Seriously, relax."

He sighed. "That's... reassurin', actually."

"I'm glad."

"But what was that about you testin' your self-control?" He raised a teasing eyebrow, and she laughed outright.

"See, you say you're trying to respect my boundaries, but when you go down that path, I have to wonder exactly where you think those boundaries are."

"I'm drawin' the line where it stops just bein' talk, Y/N," he said, and she rolled her eyes. "Honestly, though. 'S why I need to know your boundaries. You've gotta talk to me; I don't wanna push it 'n make you feel unsafe."

"You're a good guy for even asking this, Thomas," she said, and he didn't even react before she corrected herself, "Sorry; Professor Jefferson. But I mean it, you've never once made me feel unsafe. Please don't stress over it."

"Alright. Lemme know if that changes." He eyed her with a certain degree of worry. "As long as we're talkin' about you bein' unsafe, though, 'm still waitin' to hear exactly how you're plannin' to get home tonight."

She gave him a soft smile. "Is the offer for a ride still on the table?"

____________________

James's house party was exactly a week from that night. It'd been all Dolley wanted to talk about ever since they were invited, and Y/N couldn't help her consistent, underlying, low-level dread as she anticipated the event. She wasn't intimidated by the prospect of an apartment full of graduate students; that much was genuinely the truth. The real issue she had was with being in an apartment full of strangers while her only friend present was off being wooed by the grad student she'd now had her eye on for months.

She kept repeating to herself that it was only a few hours, and then she'd be able to hold it over Dolley's head until the day they were both six feet under.

"That's what you're wearing?" Y/N raised an eyebrow at Dolley's cable-knit sweater and black jeans, and she furrowed her brow.

"What's wrong with it? We're dressed practically the same."

"But I'm not going there tonight looking to getting laid," she pointed out, and Dolley huffed.

"If I change, you have to change. I can't look like I made more of an effort than you did; it'll make me seem out of place."

"Come on; this sweater's comfortable," Y/N groaned. "I've already agreed to go with you; I feel like my contribution is finished. I'm not trying to look hot; I'm trying to blend in."

"What if one of his econ-student friends is hot?"

"Then I'll wait until the night's over and never see him again." The look she gave Dolley very clearly read 'duh,' and Dolley scowled.

"Come on, you don't even have to wear anything flashy," she pleaded. "If I change, can't you just put on a tank top? Or something tighter? Or a skirt? Something?"

Y/N eyed Dolley's expression dubiously; she'd figured the emotional manipulation would've ended the week before when she agreed to come to the party with her, but apparently not. Ultimately, she sighed — even these past few weeks had been the longest amount of time she'd seen Dolley attached to the same guy. She could make an exception. "Fine."

Dolley squealed, pulling her into a hug. "Alright; go change quickly. Grab the nice vodka and meet me in the car."

"Wait, we're bringing the nice vodka?" Y/N called after her, incredulous. "Hang on, we spent almost twenty bucks on that! We can't bring it to share!"

Dolley didn't respond, and Y/N let out a sigh of defeat.

___________________

"James, hey!" When they arrived at his apartment, Dolley didn't waste a moment before pulling him into a hug. They hadn't even passed the doorway. While it seemed to have caught him by surprise, it only took him a second to process her sudden action before his arm fell to the small of her back.

"Hey, I'm glad that both of you could make it," he said, nodding to Y/N with a smile as she stood awkwardly behind them. Dolley finally pulled away. "Can I get you two something to drink?"

"That would be excellent." Dolley flashed him a wide smile as they walked in, Y/N pulling the door shut behind her.

"Actually, where are the drinks?" Y/N asked, hands tucked into her pockets as she surveyed the space. The apartment was cute, bigger than Y/N would've expected that James could afford on the budget of a student, and it was, as expected, littered with James's other friends, slumped on his couch, laying on each other, seated on the floor — wherever they could fit, really. The three who'd all slotted themselves into the same armchair were passing a blunt back and forth, and Y/N wondered how difficult it'd be for her to get in on that. "We brought a bottle."

James raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Mhm. Doll, it's in your purse, right?"

"Yeah, hang on a minute." Dolley's words were all but absentminded as she pulled her purse from her shoulder, unzipping it and beginning to dig through her mountains of knickknacks.

"Well, that's nice of you, but it was awfully unnecessary." James gave her a warm smile. "Let me show you both to the kitchen."

"Thanks, James," Y/N responded; Dolley seemed preoccupied with her purse, though, her brows knitting more and more tightly by the second as she overturned her empty lipstick tubes and discarded keychains. Y/N nudged her with her elbow. "Everything alright?"

She let out a heavy sigh. "We left the vodka in the car."

"You're kidding," Y/N groaned. "I was looking forward to breaking that open."

"I'm sorry, dear," Dolley said, lightly squeezing Y/N's forearm. "Let me just run out and get it. I'll be back in a moment."

"No, you're fine. I'll grab it," Y/N said quickly, plastering on a smile before Dolley could move. "I'd rather leave you two to your own devices. Can I borrow your keys?"

Dolley rolled her eyes at how Y/N wiggled her eyebrows; she even coaxed a laugh out of James. "Of course. Remember to lock the car, and be back soon."

"You've got it." Y/N sent her a wink as she caught the keys Dolley tossed her, turning swiftly on her heel toward their door.

_______________________

The walk back to the building's parking garage was cold; Y/N was grateful the concrete walls were there to stifle the chill of the wind, but she regretted letting Dolley talk her into that tank top.

She'd left the bottle in the glove compartment, apparently, something Y/N only found after digging through the trunk and the backseat. She didn't mind how long the expedition ended up taking her; the longer she could stall returning to the party, the better. The night would inevitably be painful, as she saw it; she had no desire to third-wheel James and Dolley for hours, so her best hope was to find someone to get drunk or high with.

Almost a half-hour had passed before she once again found herself at James's apartment door, still shivering from the cold spring night and, that time, armed with 750 milliliters of Absolut Citron Vodka. She was almost grateful for how long the walk up had been. By then, she could hear the bass booming from whatever music they'd set up; the sound of heavily overlapping chatter was muffled through the door yet still notably prominent. She rang the doorbell with hesitant fingers, wondering for a moment whether or not Dolley would even notice if she spent the remainder of the night getting drunk and playing Angry Birds in her locked car.

The click of the door unlocking broke her musings.

"Hey, so I got the vodka; do you know where Dolley—?" She cut herself off midsentence when it was swung entirely open. It'd taken her a moment too long to process who was standing before her, no longer in the slacks and button-down she'd gotten used to, but instead wearing a tight, v-neck t-shirt and jeans. She held Thomas's wide-eyed stare with one of her own. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here, last I checked," he said. Her eyes widened. "What are you doin' here?"

She eyed him dubiously for another moment, unsure whether she could've just been losing her mind. He just watched her tentatively, and ultimately, she let out a halfhearted, breathy laugh. "James invited me. Do you know his friend Dolley?"

"I've heard of her," he responded mildly, and Y/N nodded, an amused smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"Well, I'm her roommate." He didn't respond at first, still seeming hesitant to respond one way or another, and her shadow of a smile broadened to a cheeky grin; she extended her hand for him to shake. "Y/N. It's nice to meet you."

Another beat passed without him knowing quite how to react, glancing down to her outstretched hand. "... Are you serious, right now?"

"Why shouldn't I be?" She raised an eyebrow. "...and you are?"

His skepticism didn't subside for another moment; the next ten seconds were akin to a standoff, and Y/N didn't let up with her cheery front. Finally, he let out a breathy laugh, raking a hand through his hair. "Thomas. 'M James's roommate." He shook her hand obligingly, and she looked beyond self-contented at the entertained glint in his eye. "C'mon in."

She followed him inside, self-satisfaction building in her chest, and he glanced back over his shoulder to her. "So, almost everyone's in the livin' room, and drinks are in the kitchen. Help yourself to whatever."

"Thanks. You've got a nice place," she replied, perusing the rooms as they crossed through them. "D'you know where James is, by chance?"

"Not sure; why?" His voice was raised over the racket flooding in from all sides.

"Because wherever he is, I'm sure Dolley isn't far behind," she said, voice low and bordering on sour, and Thomas grinned.

"I saw them goin' to his room a little while back, so you might not have a lotta luck." She groaned at his words, and he laughed quietly, looking to her with tentative eyes. After a moment of hesitation, he nudged her arm. "Here, c'mon. Let's get you a drink, and I'll introduce you to my friends."

Her eyebrows shot up. Quite frankly, she'd expected to be on her own for the evening, spending the next couple hours sniffing out the stoners who could help her make the time pass a little bit more quickly. Thomas's expression was wary at her reaction. "That okay? You're welcome to go it alone."

His gentle tone eased her livewire nerves. She offered him a small smile. "No, no, a drink sounds excellent. Thanks."

He grinned. "Alright, sweetheart. C'mon." Her skin jumped under his touch when his hand came to rest at the small of her back, leading her through the tightly packed crowd alongside him, but he didn't seem to notice. Though she could feel heat rushing to her cheeks, she followed without hesitation.

The pair emerged just a few short minutes later with two red Solo cups. Y/N appeared to be substantially less bitter than she had been, whether the smile she wore was because Thomas had managed to placate her with his advanced mixology skills (he'd never give away his elusive vodka Sprite recipe) or because of, for once, how relaxed he seemed with her, his arm having fallen to her waist as he gave her the 411 on everyone she'd soon find scattered on the couches.

Part of her couldn't help but be surprised, though she didn't let that ruin her relaxation. She supposed it must have just been the change in environment, but the difference in attitude between this Thomas and her Professor Jefferson seemed to be night and day. Gone was the cautious air of professionalism, the guarded front he carried when he discussed with her their most recent unit.

It may have just been because he was already two beers deep into the evening, but no matter.

Upon reaching his living room, Thomas was greeted enthusiastically by a few different (incredibly attractive) people, including the three she'd seen sharing a joint earlier on.

"Thomas!" one of the women shouted. "Come sit with us! Where have you been all night?"

"Oh, hey, Maria; 's nice to see you, too. I'm great, thanks for askin'," he said sarcastically, offering her a contrived smile, and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh, whatever. I just don't like being avoided, Jefferson," she replied, giving him an unamused look. "So are you joining us or not, hm? Time-sensitive offer."

He cracked a grin. "Yeah, yeah, alright." He glanced down to Y/N and raised an eyebrow, a silent ask as to whether or not she wanted to stay, and she gave him a small smile, a short nod.

They both took seats on the couch opposite Maria, Thomas nonchalantly greeting the man on at its furthest end who he called 'Monroe.' Y/N didn't bother to question it — quite frankly, she never expected to be in any sort of situation meeting Thomas's friends, and she certainly hadn't seen it coming when she was leaving home that night. She shifted in her seat, feeling rather self-conscious and out of her league on this.

"And who is your pretty friend, hm?" The man sitting beside Maria turned to Y/N with a bright, curious smile. "Where 'ave you been hiding 'er from us?"

At that, she laughed — his buoyant manner eased her nerves, if only in the least. "I'm Y/N."

Before she could determine exactly how to explain her knowing Thomas, Lafayette cut in, eyes shining. "Ah, you are ze TA, non?"

"Oh, um..." Her eyebrows shot up. "Yeah, that's me. You've heard about me?"

"We cannot seem to stop 'earing about you, chérie," he drawled, wearing a wry smile. "Although, I do not believe zat someone told us you would be 'ere tonight." Though he gave Thomas a pointed look, taking another hit of the lit blunt he held lazily between his fingers, and Thomas only rolled his eyes.

"James invited her, actually," he said. "Y'know his girl Dolley? Y/N's her roommate."

Y/N mentally archived his words; she was sure Dolley would enjoy hearing she'd been referred to as 'James's girl.' Lafayette raised his eyebrows. "What a twist of fate," he mused. "If not for James, we may 'ave only ever been able to 'ear your stories about 'er. It is lovely to meet you, Y/N."

"Yeah, you too." She offered him a timid smile, adjusting the straps of her shirt. "So what's Thomas told you about me, then?"

The woman sitting beside Maria on the end of the other couch, legs draped over her lap, interjected, "Just about everything, honey. I mean, first, all the gossip about him accidentally having slept with a student, of course."

While Y/N was thoroughly entertained, Thomas rolled his eyes, but how he was shifting in his seat betrayed his air of nonchalance. The woman continued, "And since then, you've been an ever-growing saga. My favorite story is still you going to his office just to yell at him." The look in her eyes was amused as they flickered between Y/N and Thomas. "Personally, I find it more entertaining than the grumbling about not knowing how to teach a student he's fucked, especially when the sex was so—"

"Alright, that's about enough, Ang," Thomas cut her off, looking more exasperated than annoyed as he shot her a warning look, and she wore a wide grin.

"Oh, come on, I was just getting started," she complained. "Not my fault you can't keep things to yourself. I just don't think it's fair to keep poor Y/N here in the dark."

"Yeah, really, Jefferson," Maria piped back up. "Don't you think she should get a say?"

She raised her eyebrows at Y/N with a playful smile, and she couldn't help the grin she wore that threatened to broaden. However, Thomas scowled.

"Remind me to get friends who aren't gonna rat me out, next time." He took a sip of his drink, eyeing Maria and Angelica dubiously, but neither of them wavered. Y/N raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, so you're owning up to it?"

He looked over at her with an irked gaze, but the corners of his lips were quirked up. "You stay outta this."

"Hey, that isn't fair!" she protested, knocking her elbow into his, and he pursed his lips. "This is all absolutely my business. I feel like my privacy as a student's been violated, professor."

"Oh, so now you'll call me 'professor'?"

Despite how skeptically he was eyeing her, his smile grew, and she shrugged innocently. "I've been doing my best."

"'M sure you have."

"You don't sound too sure," she countered, taking a sip of her drink. "I don't like having my integrity questioned. Shouldn't you be able to trust your TA?"

"Maybe I will once you prove yourself worth trusting." He shrugged, taking another sip of his drink. She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, please. If anything, you're the one who's proved you can't keep a secret." The side of her thigh rested against his as she cast a pointed glance back at his friends. "I guess, next time, I'll have to be sure not to sleep with such a gossip, won't I?"

He grinned. "Good luck finding someone better."

He looked beyond self-satisfied as her eyes widened; her heart jumped to her throat. Despite everything, the air between them was charged, and Lafayette raised an eyebrow.

It took Y/N a moment to break his heavy gaze, not having noticed the silence stretching on throughout the group. Angelica and Maria exchanged a glance. It wasn't until he met Lafayette's skeptical stare that Thomas cleared his throat, cracking the atmosphere.

"I'm gonna go get myself another drink," he said, pushing himself up off of the couch. He glanced down at Y/N, and then turned to the rest of his friends. "Try not to traumatize Y/N while I'm gone."

"Oh, no need to worry," Lafayette said, his gaze alight, and Thomas narrowed his eyes skeptically. "We will take very good care of 'er."

________________________

Thomas returned later than he'd planned to — the couple broken bottles and failed keg stand he found in his kitchen were an unfortunate detour — but when he did, Lafayette had taken his seat, and Monroe had split. Y/N sat all but leaning into his side, giggling at whatever it was he was saying as they passed his joint back and forth, and in turn, Thomas took the now-empty seat on Y/N's other side.

She'd just finished shouting something over at Maria when Thomas spoke, breaking her focus.

"So I see you two got awful close while I was gone," he said, tone dry as he glanced between her and Lafayette, and Y/N only seemed to notice just then that he was even there. She turned to him with a mellow grin.

"Hey, Thomas, Lafayette was just telling me all about how you went to undergrad together." A hardly-contained giggle was concealed in her voice. He raised an eyebrow.

"That so?"

Y/N nodded, absentmindedly taking the blunt back from where Lafayette held it out to her. "I hear you were just as uptight then as you are now."

"Oh, I'm uptight, now?" When she shrugged unapologetically, he didn't meet her gaze, instead leaning around to look at Lafayette, who looked beyond pleased with himself. "So by 'take care of her' you meant you were gonna get Y/N high?"

Lafayette shrugged, wearing a lazy smile. "You did not ask me to elaborate on it, mon cher."

Thomas's deadpanned expression didn't change, but Y/N snickered at Lafayette's words before taking another hit. She leaned back onto his shoulder as she turned in her seat to face Thomas, scrutinizing the whole of his stature, and he winced when she inadvertently blew smoke into his face.

"What, are you jealous?" she drawled, her tone taunting, and Thomas raised an unamused eyebrow.

"'Jealous'?" he repeated, almost in disbelief, and she shrugged.

"Mmhmm." Her hum of agreement was drawn out dramatically. "Why do you feel the need to judge me for it? Y'know, if you wanted a hit, you could've just asked." When she extended Lafayette's joint to him as if it were an olive branch, watching him expectantly all the while, he hesitated, unsure if that was the candid conclusion she'd drawn. Her conviction didn't waver; he could only laugh.

"Alright, sweetheart." He leaned forward, and she looked pleased when he plucked it from between her fingers. "I think you've had about enough of that."

However, moments later, he put it out on a coaster, and she whined. "Hey. Don't be an ass." She plastered on a pout, kicking his calf halfheartedly, and she slumped back onto Lafayette, looking up at him with disappointment. "Looks like you were right about 'uptight.'"

Lafayette matched her frown, shifting so his arm was resting at her waist as they both faced Thomas. "And to think zat I paid good money just for zat to go to waste."

"Stop being a spoilsport, Thomas," Maria shouted, eyeing him with contempt. "You're not Y/N's mother; let her live."

"I'm not actin' like anybody's mother," he scowled, throwing a pillow in her direction, and missing by about a foot.

"Could've fooled me," Angelica muttered into her drink, and while Thomas glared at her, Y/N laughed.

"Oh, loosen up." Thomas's eyebrows shot up when she pulled her legs up into his lap, now fully laying on Lafayette's torso. "We aren't in class, professor."

He eyed her skeptically. "Y'know, if my friends didn't seem to like you more than they like me, I'd have started tryin' to kick you outta here by now." Despite his dry tone, the words held no bite, and she laughed.

"Well, I'm James's guest, not yours, so I don't think that's quite within your jurisdiction," she replied frankly, wearing a wide, sly smile. "Besides, you're just bitter I'm stealing your friends."

"She makes an excellent point," Lafayette interjected, wearing a playful smile, and Y/N giggled as she leaned back to look at him. However, Thomas only rolled his eyes.

Though no retort sat on the tip of his tongue, his focus instead on how his stomach turned as Lafayette's arm looped around Y/N's waist, pulling her close, any chance he had to respond died the moment the brief rapport between Lafayette and Y/N was interrupted, both their voices light.

"I'm glad to see that you've all made yourselves comfortable." Everyone turned, though at different rates, toward the voice at the other side of the couch. There stood one James Madison, looking as cool and collected as ever, Dolley at his side. However, she didn't so much hold up the composed air; her hair was mussed, though she'd obviously tried to push it back into place, if only hastily, and her cheeks were still flushed pink with James's arm around her.

"Hey, haven't seen you two in a while," Y/N said, wearing a sly, lazy smile. "What have you been up to back in James's room, huh?"

"We were just talking," Dolley defended timidly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, but her wide grin betrayed her bashfulness.

"Oh, I'm sure," Y/N replied, voice saturated with sarcasm. "And a prerequisite for that is obviously locking yourselves in his bedroom."

Dolley didn't respond, just pursed her lips, only meeting Y/N's gaze, but James laughed good-naturedly. "In any case, we've returned. I trust everyone's made you feel welcome, Y/N?"

She shrugged, glancing to the group around her. "More or less. Would've been better if someone hadn't decided to play bad cop and restrict any 'illegal or dangerous activity,'" she said, tying together all the haughtiness she could manage into her voice as she gave Thomas a pointed look. However, he only shrugged unapologetically.

Lafayette took that moment to pipe up, though. "And, now, why did you not bother to tell anyone zat Y/N would be joining us after we 'ad all 'eard so much about 'er?" His tone was accusatory, but James didn't quite seem to follow, his brow furrowed.

"What do you mean 'after we had all heard so much about her'?" he echoed, but his gaze drew back to Y/N and then to Thomas, and he raised his eyebrows, seeming to have connected the dots. "Hang on, is this your Y/N?"

Y/N couldn't have explained why she felt her skin begin to heat at the words, but she certainly wasn't about to protest them. Thomas scowled. "She's my TA, assumin' that's what you mean."

"That was not what I meant, but it answers my question regardless," James said, but as he spoke, Dolley's face split into a grin.

"So I take it you're 'Professor Jefferson,' then?"

"Thomas," he corrected her with an easy smile, extending a hand for her to shake. "And where've you heard about me?" He glanced to Y/N with his words, a teasing eyebrow raised, and she huffed.

"I see that IR degree you like to flaunt must not have tested your inductive reasoning skills." Her scowl didn't hide her unease, and he grinned, lightly squeezing her calf where her legs were draped over his.

"No need to be so hostile, sweetheart."

Dolley's smile was knowing as she glanced between the two of them. "In any case, I've been told quite a bit about you. Though, you're much bigger in person."

That one genuinely had him confused. "Bigger than what?"

"That faculty profile picture on the university website that a certain someone keeps showing me?" she explained, and he laughed outright. In the meantime, Y/N had managed to weasel Lafayette's drink from his hand and drain the cup in one fell swoop, claiming that 'she needed it far more than he did.' He didn't put up much of a fight.

However, Thomas was far from done. "Oh, really, now?" he said, lips pursed to stifle his entertainment as he looked over to Y/N, meeting her wavering glare. "Wonder who that could be."

Y/N didn't respond, didn't trust her voice enough to try to when Thomas's hand rested on her knee, and she could feel her cheeks flare. "I don't know how I'm expected to make it through tonight without weed," she grumbled, shifting where she sat against Lafayette, not meeting Thomas's eyes. Dolley's grin mirrored Thomas's, then.

"Aw, is everything okay, dear? Did I say something wrong?" she asked mildly, and Y/N's withering gaze turned to her.

"Oh, don't you start," she said, accusation heavy in her voice as she jabbed a wavering finger at Dolley. "You're really gonna throw me under the bus like this after I came here just so you could fuck James?"

To Y/N's dismay, Dolley looked far from ashamed at her words, her playful expression holding firm. "I think that perhaps you're just jealous."

Y/N hummed noncommittally. "Mmh, don't give yourself too much credit, babe. You're not that good in bed."

While Dolley could only gape at her for another moment as she passed Lafayette back his empty plastic cup, something he didn't seem to mind, James looked thoroughly entertained. "Is there something happening between the two of you that I should be worried about?"

"Nah, don't worry." Y/N shifted in her seat to turn, looking back at him now. "You're more than welcome to my sloppy seconds."

"Y/N!" Dolley all but recoiled, seemingly incredulous at the claim. When Y/N only shrugged in response, she turned to James with wide, pleading eyes. "Believe me, she and I were never together."

"Oh?" he asked, turning to Y/N, who sighed.

"Alright, alright. I don't wanna push it, so I'll confess: I broke it off with Dolley before it could ever get that far," she drawled, having contrived a forlorn facade. "Her loss, really."

"Oh, I'm sure it is," Dolley said, rolling her eyes, and when a grin split her friend's expression, Dolley turned to Thomas, meeting his amused gaze. "Would you care to corroborate?"

Then, it was Dolley's turn to be entertained. Thomas was only glad they couldn't see the blood drain from his face at the point-blank question, though his surprised unease was obvious in his wide-eyed stare. He tensed, and Y/N could feel it as the fingertips of his hand resting on her lower thigh tightened around her leg. "Excuse me?"

Y/N bit back a smile. She glanced between the two of them, and Dolley's expression was a duplicate of her own hardly-suppressed laugh, but seeing Thomas's obvious discomfort, she could only sigh.

"My buzz from Lafayette's weed is wearing off," she said, the words directed at no one in particular, withdrawing her legs from their place on Thomas's lap and pushing herself up from where she sat against Lafayette. She turned to Dolley when she stood. "I'm gonna grab myself something to drink. You wanna come with me?"

She swallowed her grin. "I'd love to."

Y/N looped her arm through Dolley's as she began to pull away from the group, dealing out a fleeting apology to James for stealing his girl. Once they were out of earshot, had reached a quiet lull with the crowd in the kitchen, Dolley turned to Y/N with an arched brow.

"You and Professor Fuck-Me were getting pretty friendly back there, weren't you?"

"'Professor Fuck-Me'?" Y/N repeated with a snort. "Creative."

"I'm entirely serious, dear," Dolley said, wearing a teasing smile as she nudged Y/N with her elbow. "I faintly recall saying something about James's friends being just your type. Was I wrong?"

"Oh, come on, don't do this," Y/N groaned. "We've long since agreed that nothing's going to happen. Him being James's roommate doesn't suddenly change the fact I'm an undergrad, for fuck's sake."

"Well, if he and James are around the same age, he isn't much older than you and I. So if I can get with James, why would you and Thomas be so illicit?"

"Because James doesn't work here, Dolley," she said, looking at her seriously as she reached for the vodka they'd brought (and she'd tucked out of sight behind the toaster next to the fridge). "Thomas, a professor, getting with me, a student, could end his career. You do realize that, don't you?"

Dolley sighed as she dug through the cooler in front of the counter, ultimately withdrawing a Fanta, and Y/N quirked a brow. Dolley was either preparing to be their designated driver, or she was trying not to get so buzzed that James wouldn't fuck her, and Y/N could only hope it was the former. After a moment, Dolley responded, "Yes, I know it's futile, but isn't it a nice thought?"

"...Sure." Y/N looked skeptical.

"Oh, please, you know it, too," Dolley reasoned, dismissing Y/N's hesitation with a wave of her hand. "You're clearly attracted to one another, and I'm dating his roommate. It would be—"

"Can we stop talking in impossible hypotheticals?" Y/N cut her off. "I get that you think it'd be fun, but I'm both his student and his TA. It's not like that. He and I are friends." The added emphasis on her final word did little to dissuade Dolley, but Y/N had something of a point. Why hope for what you can't have?

Before Dolley could respond, Y/N went on, "But, hey, can we go back to the fact that you and James are dating now? Since when? Why didn't you tell me?"

She bit her lip to keep back her smile. "Oh. Well, it's not... official, really, but he asked me on our first actual date just a couple of hours ago. We're doing dinner and a movie next week."

"Dolley!" Y/N exclaimed, swatting her arm. Her jaw was slack, her awestruck expression mildly contrived, but her excitement was entirely genuine. "That's so exciting. I'm really glad for you. Seriously."

"Thank you, but we've yet to see how the date actually goes," Dolley said. Y/N didn't appreciate her dismal tone.

"You already know him pretty well. And you already know you like him," Y/N pointed out. "I think you'll have a good time, but you can always text me if you need me to call you with a horror story about how my spleen gave out and I desperately need you to drive me to the emergency room."

"I appreciate the offer, dear, but shouldn't you call an ambulance instead?"

"Under this healthcare system?" Y/N eyed Dolley as though she was losing her mind. "I'd sooner Uber."

"How lovely to hear that you'd die if I weren't around to take care of you," Dolley said dryly, finally cracking open her soda. "I can only imagine what you'll do after graduation."

"Get health insurance, ideally," Y/N huffed, the sound akin to a wry laugh, but her heart wasn't in it — even with all the hot-for-teacher jokes she'd been making for the past few weeks, that was her least believable quip. She took a long sip from the fresh, new, shiny Solo cup she'd poured herself and nudged Dolley. "Hey, when we go back, you've gotta stop making jokes about me screwing Thomas. They're cute behind closed doors, but you're just making him uncomfortable."

Dolley didn't meet Y/N's eyes as she started back toward their living room. "Alright, but only because I love you. I wouldn't want Thomas to take my place in your heart."

"Aw, Doll, he could never!" Y/N called after her, "You know I've only got eyes for you."

"You'd better." Dolley sent her a wink as they reached James and company.

When they finally turned, breaking the playful eye contact, they found Lafayette and Maria crouched on the floor beside their coffee table, laying out a hoard of plastic cups. Y/N assumed they weren't looking to try their hand at speed stacking. "Are we playing beer pong?" Dolley asked, glancing between the pair.

"Yeah, you in?" Maria asked, raising an eyebrow as she held up a ping-pong ball between two fingers. Dolley grinned.

"Absolutely." When she turned to James, though, Y/N was mildly offended; she folded her arms as Dolley offered him a hand. "Care to join me?"

He joined her wordlessly, giving a shrug, but he wore a wide smile, and Y/N scoffed loudly. "Excuse me?" James looked taken aback at her combative tone, turning swiftly on his heel to face her. Nevertheless, Dolley wasn't taking her too seriously, and for good reason. "You sleep with one grad student, and suddenly, years of winning beer pong together mean nothing to you?"

Dolley rolled her eyes, glancing between her and Thomas with a sly, growing smile. "No need to be jealous, dear. I'm sure you can find a perfectly suitable graduate of your own."

When Dolley met his gaze, watching him expectantly, he looked her up and down, a dubious eyebrow raised. "What're you lookin' at?"

"Oh, sure, act as if you don't know," she said, stare turning skeptical. "Y/N, you may want to find yourself a more perceptive professor in the future. I'm not so sure about this one."

Y/N laughed when she turned back away from the table to see Thomas's bewildered expression. "Oh, c'mon, lay off of him." Y/N tugged Dolley back over to her by the arm, and as she finally joined her, giggling, Y/N stole a fleeting, amused glance back at Thomas before looking to Lafayette with a smile. "You need a partner?"

The man in question folded his arms, eyes shining and his brow raised. "Are you offering?"

"Only if you're willing to accept." She shrugged. "After all, I just got dumped by my old partner," —she gave Dolley a pointed look to which she responded with a wide, unapologetic grin— "so it looks like I'm back on the market."

Neither noticed Thomas eyeing them dubiously from the couch just off to one side.

"Alright zen, Y/N," Lafayette responded, a smile lurking at the corner of his mouth. "Welcome to ze winning team. You 'ad better not tarnish my perfect record." He threw an arm around her shoulders, and obligingly, she went alongside him to the far side of the table. Thomas knocked back the rest of his drink in one heavy sip.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Y/N said, her gaze dragging over the elaborate (and precarious) setup on the low-set coffee table — she pitied the rug beneath it; it almost certainly didn't know what it had coming. When she looked up, Dolley and James had taken their positions across from them. However, while Dolley looked like she meant business, eyeing the scene before her, brow knit as she rolled a ping pong ball between her fingers, James looked slightly perturbed.

Y/N glanced back to Lafayette with a teasing look. "But you'd better be able to keep up."

"Mm, I make no promises, yet with zat attitude, you may 'ave just met your match." He looked her up and down appraisingly, and when she caught sight of the mischievous glint in his eyes as they stalled toward her hips, she swallowed hard.

"We'll see about that," she replied, and despite the confidence she tried to inject into her voice, the words came out meek under his heavy gaze. He grinned at the sudden timidity of her smile; when his arm came to rest at her waist, pulling her back around to look at the table before them as he promptly began talking strategy, heat rose in her cheeks. Her mouth was dry.

And Thomas was nowhere to be found.

_______________

The night didn't come to a close for hours, which was saying something considering how late it'd begun, and several (entirely successful) games of beer pong later, the crowd was just beginning to dwindle. James and Dolley seemed to be attached at the hip, something which had Y/N feeling more conflicted than she'd have liked to — she was glad to see them happy, certainly, but her own Dolley deficiency meant that, for the most part, she was on her own in navigating her novel state of limbo with Thomas, as confusing as it was exhilarating. She could only pretend to mind it, though.

She'd latched onto Lafayette at some point among their continued victories; she'd liked to have chalked it up to his friendly, outgoing nature, making her feel easily welcome, but she couldn't pretend that it wasn't in large part due to the tight tank top he wore and the circumference of his arms. And she made sure to tell him so, too, as the night went on and she sank deeper into the setup of what was sure to manifest an impressive hangover come morning. Lafayette's breezy laugh at her proclamation put her at ease. Neither took the interaction too seriously.

At the end of the day, her easy willingness to fall into the mellow atmosphere he dragged alongside him had less to do with him and more to do with her desperation to stop focusing on how Thomas had hardly said five words to her since Dolley had earlier been sure to tell him how utterly enamored Y/N was with him. That was also her motivation to throw back whatever liqueur came her way, and while those two impacts may not pay off long-term, for the time being, they only meant getting drunk with an unreasonably attractive Frenchman. Y/N sleeping with her professor may have been off-limits, but no one said anything about the touchy-feely exchange student with the blinding smile and the sharp tongue. She couldn't help but briefly wonder what else his tongue was good for.

As the party finally came to a close, and as people began to say their goodbyes, the remaining attendees were scattered around their apartment, far more sparse than they had been.

Y/N stumbled out of their bathroom bleary-eyed and with her phone's flashlight on. Dolley had long since withdrawn back into James's bedroom, and Y/N couldn't even complain — she was just relieved that she couldn't hear whatever they were up to from where she stood.

She kept a hand on the wall to her right as she unsteadily navigated the straight hallway, much more of a challenge than it should've been, all the while her thoughts oscillating between her internal turmoil over Thomas's sudden aloofness and how in the world she was supposed to get home five drinks closer to the end of the night than she'd begun. With her mind elsewhere, she didn't process her flashlight catching the silhouette of the lumbering figure who'd suddenly emerged from the doorway just before her until it was a second too late.

He noticed the moment he entered the hallway, however; he didn't have enough time to stop it short.

Y/N yelped as she stumbled forward, tripping over his shoe and grasping desperately at his clothing in her desperate bid not to end up on the floor with a carpet burn all the way down her chin and an ache in her chest.

"Woah, woah, woah." He turned to her frantically, the panic in his eyes fueling his actions to be just quick enough. It didn't stop her from falling — he was no miracle worker — but she fell instead into an unsurprisingly strong chest, large hands finding her waist. She dropped her phone somewhere in the havoc, and he winced as the flashlight shone directly up into his face; despite this, his expression eased when he saw the smile she wore upon catching sight of his face. "You alright, there?"

"Thomas, hey." Her eyelids drooped in her tired enthusiasm. "Where have you been all night? Missed you. We all missed you." The heavy pout she wore with the claim just made him chuckle, and she took in a deep breath, stifling a yawn, as she tried to pull herself up from her hands on his shoulders. "And when were you this tall?"

He laughed, helping her back up to a standing position, but back on her feet, she was still relying heavily on him for a crutch. "I've been around, sweetheart. Guess you just didn't notice me."

"Or you've been avoiding me," she accused as he helped her back toward the living room. Her staggering steps were far from steady, and her voice was reduced to a weary drawl as she stumbled over her own feet.

Thomas raised an eyebrow, though. "Not my fault you've been so focused on Lafayette all night."

"Not my fault he was the one being nice to me," she grumbled, but almost the moment the words left her mouth, she looked up at him with apology in her gaze. He didn't even have time to react. "Not that you haven't been nice. I didn't mean that you're not nice. You're so nice, too. You're too nice. I don't—"

"Relax," he cut her off, his voice soft and eyes glinting with amusement. "No offense taken."

"This is what I mean by too nice," she said, words slurred. She jabbed a finger into his shoulder even as they walked. "Too forgiving. Learn to be meaner."

"So you'd rather I did take offense."

"That's not what I said," she protested with a huff, the sentence sounding as childish as her intentions felt. She sniffled. "Stop twisting my words. I was so happy to see you before; can we go back to that? Meanie."

He quirked a brow. "I'm mean again, now?"

She scowled. "No. I wish you were mean, 'cause then I wouldn't just have to blame myself for being bitter, and it's not fair, either, and I'm just moping 'cause you haven't been around all night. When I walked in and saw you, I thought my night might be okay, asshole. Didn't know I'd hardly see you."

"You've seen plenty of me," he countered, and she grinned.

"Oh, yeah? In more ways than one, right?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, and his deadpanned stare only made her burst into a fit of giggles. He couldn't help his small smile. Despite her protests of his not having been around all night, this was the most attention she'd paid him since being introduced to Lafayette, and he couldn't say he minded the paradigm shift.

"Somethin' like that. How much have you had to drink?" he asked, and her shrug with her shoulder pressed into his side was halfhearted.

"Lost count. I'm gonna regret it in the morning, but not so much I'm gonna spend four hours throwing up." She grinned, trying to nudge him, but her elbow just brushed against the front of his shirt in a feat of hand-eye coordination. "So I obviously did perfect."

"'Obviously'," he echoed, looking down at her dubiously. Her footsteps stalled as she reached down to pick up her phone, struggling to find the button to turn the flashlight off. She struggled to stifle a yawn as she reached around to put it in her back pocket.

"Too bad you didn't have tequila. Then I might've gotten less conscious. If you weren't so fucking nice, I might be pissed," she said matter-of-factly. He just hummed passively. "Where's Lafayette?"

"How would I know? You're the one who's been hangin' onto him all night." There was a certain gruffness in his voice that hadn't been there before, but Y/N was too addled to pick up on it. She frowned, slumping against his chest. "You shouldn't be tryin' to go home with him after this many drinks, anyway."

"I wasn't trying to go home with him," she pouted, but when her steps stuttered, when she struggled not to trip over her own feet, Thomas wrapped an arm tighter around her waist, and she didn't stop him. "I was just gonna ask him for a ride home, 'cause who knows what Dolley's up to with James by now. You don't have to be so protective, y'know. I'm an adult."

"Hey, I know," he said softly, and although she wouldn't have readily admitted it, his gentle tone went far to placate her. "'M sorry."

"You should be," she huffed. "Saying I'm just here to fuck your friends. Can't believe it's what you think of me."

"It's not; that's not what I was sayin'," he defended, but when he looked down at her with a frown, she refused to meet his eyes, gaze fixed firmly on her own feet. "C'mon, sweetheart. You can't really think that."

"You promise?" He couldn't help his pang of guilt when she looked up at him with a wide-eyed, trusting stare, on the brink of tears. He offered her a soft smile, squeezing her side lightly.

"Promise," he confirmed. "Now let's get you out of here; you're wasted. I'll call a cab."

She groaned. "No, don't. I don't wanna get in a car alone with a stranger when I'm this smashed. That's not safe."

Thomas chuckled lightly at her words, raising a surprised eyebrow. "How's your judgment better when you've had a little too much to drink?"

"Shut up," she grumbled, and though she tried to shove him by the shoulder, he wasn't all too dissuaded. "Are Maria and Angelica still here? Think they'd wanna carpool? They seem nice. I could probably convince them."

"I'm sure you could, but they're both long gone."

"So who's still here?" she whined, "I'm too tired to walk home. I don't wanna."

"Y'know, I do have a car," he pointed out. She scowled.

"Yeah, congrats."

"And I can drive you," he added, looking down at her expectantly. She shifted in his grasp, letting out a noise of reluctance.

"No, Thomas, you can't," she said, her voice watery. "You're really, really sweet for offering, and I really appreciate it, but no, I can't ask you to do that when you aren't already leaving anyway. But that's thoughtful. Thank you."

"Seriously? I'm offerin'." Worry was clear in his eyes as she dragged herself forward, clinging to his shoulders. "You don't have too many options, now."

"No, no, it's fine." Her words were slow, the syllables dragging on as she buried herself further in his embrace. "I'm gonna find someone. What about your friend Monroe? Isn't he gonna have to drive himself outta here?"

"'S there somethin' wrong?" She could hear his frown in his voice. "Or d'you just really not want me to drive you that badly?"

"Everything's okay, I'm fine." She let out a short huff as he slowed to a halt, still propping her up. "I do want you to drive me, but I also don't wanna ask you to drive me after you've been avoiding me all night, but I wanna hang out with you. And I know the feeling isn't mutual, and I don't want you to feel like you've gotta drive me. 'M sorry."

"Hey, what're you sorry for?" He nudged her softly. "I haven't been avoidin' you. I dunno what makes you think so."

"It's okay; don't worry. I get it," she assured him, and her smile looked slightly dazed as she rested a hand on his chest. "It's weird that your roommate invited your TA who you fucked to the house party you threw. I know you're just trying to respect my boundaries. And you're such a nice person for it. Honestly. Seriously."

"I'm bein' serious, Y/N," he defended, despite her sappy tone. "'M not avoidin' you."

"You don't gotta defend yourself! It's okay." She gave him an understanding smile, but as her bottom lip pushed out, it was closer to a pout. "I'm lucky you're so careful and sweet about everything that's happened. With us sleeping together, and all."

"I got the implication," he said, a trace of a laugh in his voice.

"Okay, well, I wasn't sure," she defended. He chuckled. "I'm just saying, I'm lucky it was you. It coulda been someone who wanted to exploit this weird dynamic. I'm not sure if you've realized, but you've got a lotta power here."

He furrowed his brow. "I'd never do somethin' like that."

"I know," she agreed softly, and the look in her watering eyes was doting.

She inhaled shakily when she broke his gaze, trying to continue to his living room, but again, when she proved to be a little less steady than she'd thought, her center of balance not quite where she expected, she let out a surprised squeak.

"Woah, there," Thomas laughed, catching her before she could fall any further. She hung desperately onto his arms. "Alright, let's go. Let me drive you home."

She hummed reluctantly. "This is exploitation. You know I'm too tired to be pretending I don't want you to since it'd be so much more trouble for you, and I know you're too nice to insist after I tell you not to. How am I supposed to say no?"

"You ever consider that you aren't?"

Her huff was halfhearted, and she still wore a wide smile. "Alright, alright. You win. Bully."

He grinned. "Mmh, I'm really the worst."

___________________________

Getting her out of his apartment and down the stairwell to the garage was quite a process, but twenty minutes later, they were pulling out in his Bentley because of course he couldn't just drive a Subaru like the rest of us. They drove the first few minutes in a warm silence, Y/N still mildly addled with fatigue and vodka.

Thomas stole a glance at her to see her leaning her head back against the chair, her eyes shut, and her soft smile elicited his own. "You have an okay time tonight?"

She hummed, not opening her eyes. "Yeah. I really, really liked your friends. They were all so sweet. It was so nice of Lafayette looking out for me all night. He's nice."

She didn't see Thomas's lips quirk down. "Yeah. Lafayette's really somethin'."

She cracked a eye open to look at him; the tension was clear enough in his voice that even she couldn't miss it. "You okay?"

"Fine."

She frowned. "I know I didn't see you much tonight, but... you know I wasn't actually mad when you took Lafayette's weed, right?"

The question caught him off guard, less for the question itself than for what she was reading into the sudden hostility in his demeanor. "Seriously?"

"It was no big deal," she said softly, tapping her fingers on his car's central console. He laughed. "I know how good your intentions were. You're just... such a caring person." Her huff was quiet, and she put on a small pout. "You're too sweet sometimes, and I dunno what to do with it. Sorry if I made you feel like you weren't. You're such a good person, Thomas. I'm sorry."

Her voice broke with her final sentence, and she took a deep breath, sniffling and pursing her lips, and Thomas looked over, a concerned eyebrow raised. "Are you... tearin' up?" She didn't respond, only nodded, trying to hold down the tears building in her throat, and his gaze melted. "Aw, sweetheart. Hey, relax. It's ok."

His hand covered hers where it sat on the central console, squeezing it lightly, and she looked over at him with a sentimental smile. "'M not—" She inhaled shakily. "I'm not sad. I just really appreciate you. You're so nice. You're always worrying about making sure I'm safe. If you weren't around, I probably would've been abducted, like, probably twice by now."

"I'm not sure tryin' to make sure no one kills you is the height of altruism."

"Yes, it is," she insisted, threading her fingers into his. She didn't see his small smile. "You've called me definitely at least four Ubers by now, and this is the second time you've driven me home. And this gas isn't cheap."

He shook his head, amusement shining in his gaze. "Well I'm not gonna let you pay for your own Ubers. I know how tight money is when you're an undergrad."

She groaned. "Stop being so thoughtful. It's insufferable. You're just reminding me how obnoxious everyone else is 'cause you're always so fucking kind."

He stole another glance in her direction, noting how tired her smile looked, but her gaze was soft despite her facade of exasperation. "I dunno about that. You did think I was avoidin' you all night."

"Yeah, but you didn't wanna make things weird because of our weird history, and I get it! It's probably right. But..." She turned her head, still resting against the back of her seat, to watch him. "Thanks for not making it weird or just acting like I'm some kid who you don't wanna be around. I really liked meeting your friends. Thanks for introducing me." Her thumb brushed across the back of his hand, and her thoughtful gaze fell to where their fingers were interlinked. "I was dreading tonight."

"Oh, yeah?" He gave her a concerned look, and the corners of her lips twitched up. Her warm gaze was a comfort.

"Mhm. I didn't wanna come and I wouldn't if Dolley wasn't so into James, but she really likes him so much," Y/N said, her lazy words running together. "I even put on my good jeans for her 'cause she was worried about being overdressed. Love her so much. But I thought this night was gonna be such a big sacrifice and, like, hours of misery."

"I'm glad it wasn't," Thomas said, and her smile broadened as she met his soft eyes.

"Yeah. Me too. Thanks for treating me like we're friends."

"Aren't we friends?" He raised a hesitant eyebrow at that, at the quiet notice he took of the bittersweet trace in her voice. Her eyes widened.

"I... are we?" She blinked hard, turning toward her door as he took a left turn, as she was afraid her eyes were again beginning to water. "I didn't think you thought we were. I didn't think you wanted to be friends, since you're always keeping me at arm's length, I guess."

"I'm drivin' you home from my apartment at one in the morning," he said matter-of-factly. "I dunno if there's still any degree of removal, there."

"You didn't want me at your apartment in the first place, and you don't have to defend yourself." Her gaze caught on a passing streetlight. "I just didn't think you wanted to be friends."

"I'd like to think we're friends," he said quietly, and she squeezed his hand lightly. He didn't comment on how absurd it was that she thought this was how he treated all of his acquaintances.

"Me too." She sniffed again, reaching up to rub at the corner of her left eye.

"And I'm sorry if I've been holdin' you at arm's length," he added. "I'm just tryin' to keep the fact that we slept together the first night we met from havin' some kinda outsized importance. Don't wanna make you uncomfortable."

"You're so respectful. Fuck. Thanks, Thomas," she murmured, squeezing her eyes shut to hold any tears at bay. "Thanks for everything."

He smiled. "'S been my pleasure."

___________________________

When they arrived at her building, he offered to walk her up to her apartment, and she didn't put up even a moment of resistance. She knew just as well as he did that trying to make it all the way up to her floor alone would be a losing battle.

They'd been waiting for the elevator for about a minute when she began monologuing an overly-emotional apology about when she went to his office to yell at him, which turned into one about how she wasn't even halfway through the papers he needed to be graded by Monday, which turned into one about how she was exploiting him as a Google Translate substitute for her French class. (She swore she wasn't using him as a means to an end.)

Her eyes were teary when they reached her floor, and he led her down the hall with an arm around her waist as she continued to gripe about how unreasonably kind he was.

"But I'm serious, Thomas, if you weren't so fucking nice all the time, you wouldn't be so easy to exploit, and I wouldn't feel so guilty," she whined, "I can't believe it sometimes."

"Sorry?" he said hesitantly, fighting back a smile at her indignance. She scoffed.

"Why're you apologizing?" she asked, plastering on a pout. "I'm calling you nice, asshole."

He had to laugh, then. "Sure you are, sweetheart."

"I am!" she huffed, folding her arms and looking up at him with wide, watering eyes. "I swear."

"Alright, alright, I believe you," he assured her, and as she sighed, he could feel her shoulders relax against him. He looked back up, then, gaze scanning the walls of the apartment building. "Now, remind me which one of these rooms is yours?"

"566." She sniffled, still watching him as he walked her down the hall.

"Okay. Only a little further."

"Thanks for walking me up, Thomas," Y/N said, the ghost of a yawn stifled in her voice. She reached up to rub the sleep out of her eyes. "You're so sweet."

"Y'know, I think you might've mentioned," he replied, tone playful, and she groaned, dropping her head against his side.

"Shut up," she grumbled. "I'm being serious. Don't appreciate your sarcasm."

"I'm only playin', alright?" He squeezed her side as he tugged her along, and she wore a soft, reluctant smile. "Now, are you gonna be okay tonight? There anything you need before I go? Are you gonna need anything for your hangover? I can pick up some ibuprofen."

"No, no, that's okay," she said, her eyes drifting shut. She was too sleepy to do anything but trust that he wasn't about to lead her astray. "Just wanna sleep. That's all."

"Okay." She nearly tripped when his footsteps stopped rather abruptly, her grip tightening around his arm to hold herself up. "Looks like we're here."

"Shit. Right. Gimme a minute to get the door." She withdrew her apartment key from her purse with little trouble, but unlocking the door was a different story. She put a hand out against the wall as she stepped out of Thomas's embrace, fumbling with the lock above the doorknob, and she'd scratched three different parts of the wood finish when Thomas's hand ghosted down her forearm.

"Wanna let me help you with that?"

She smiled when she turned to see him watching her with a brow raised. "Yeah. Okay. Thanks."

She passed off the key, and his other hand fell to the small of her back as he gently pulled her aside. "There you go." He turned the knob about a minute later, handing her back the key, his gaze soft. "G'night, sweetheart."

Though she dropped her key into her purse without protesting, before she went in, she looped her arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. "Night. I'll see you," she murmured, but when she pulled away, she still hung off of his shoulders, wearing a demure smile. "Unless you wanna come in?"

His eyebrows shot up. "Y/N, you’d better not be serious." When no sign surfaced that she may have been joking, he sighed, but his hands didn't leave where they'd dropped to on her waist. "You know I can't. Even if I weren't your professor, you're well past drunk. Go to bed."

"Well, I won't tell," she sang, blinking innocently. "Who's it hurting?"

"You're not lucid right now, sweetheart. You don't know what you're saying."

"Uh-uh. I know exactly what I'm saying." She dragged a finger down his chest, biting her lip. "You know it'd be fun. We had a nice night last time."

"Y/N," he sighed, and with how hopeful she sounded, guilt was building in his chest. She frowned.

"Fine. I'll just call Lafayette," she scowled, and vindication flashed in her eyes at the way Thomas tensed at the words. "I'm sure he'd be down for a good time."

"Stop. Don't talk to me like this," he warned, voice hard, and she raised her eyebrows.

"What's the problem, professor? I thought you liked Lafayette. Aren't you two friends?" she asked, drawing out the syllables of her words. She wore a small, egoistic smile. "Maybe it isn't too late for me to give him a call."

"No. Don’t you dare." He raised his eyebrows at her and nodded toward the interior of her apartment. “Get some sleep.”

"I dunno about that," she drawled, reaching up to brush her hand across his stubble. He grabbed her wrist before she could, eyes ablaze. "I think I might go get some sleep with someone else. Thanks for the ride, though."

"Y/N," he scowled, taking a step forward, backing her through her doorway. Her eyes flashed with vindication. "Stop talking about fucking Lafayette. You know what a bad idea this is."

"Aw, why? Is someone getting a little jealous?" she mocked him, pulling him toward her. He gritted his teeth. "It was obvious earlier; you weren't fooling anyone. Did you think I wasn't gonna notice?"

“Let's not do this. This isn’t a game you wanna play." His stare was conflicted as she grinned, flipping on her living room light and taking a step further back into her apartment. He took a reluctant step forward with her with her arms wrapped around his shoulders. "I'm not jealous."

"Then what's your problem with me calling up Lafayette? You don't own me," she said, raising a skeptical eyebrow.

“That’s about enough,” he said, his voice low as he fixed her with a warning look. She shrugged.

"I can make my own decisions, Thomas. I can do whatever I want."

"Not right now, you can't.” His grip tightened on her waist, and the look in his eyes was sharp, frustrated. She grinned, pressing up against him.

"Then what are you gonna do about it, hm?" she teased, weaving a hand into his hair. He sucked in a deep breath, self-control waning. Her gaze shone with satisfaction. "How do you plan to stop me?"

A moment passed in anticipatory silence, tension heavy in the charged atmosphere, and Y/N firmly believed she'd won. When he pulled her closer, her eyes fluttered shut, and she leaned in toward him; there was a skip, but she only wrapped her arms more tightly around the back of his neck, tilted her face up toward his. She didn't quite get what she wanted.

His lips brushed against the crown of her forehead, and she furrowed her brow, re-opening her eyes. Despite her small frown, he reached up, taking her face in one hand, and brushed a hair out of her face as he eyed her with a gentle gaze. He took a small step back, wearing a remorseful, weak smile. "Goodnight, sweetheart. Get some rest for me, now."

Before she could protest, try to pull him back in, he was out the door, swinging it shut behind him.

She was too stunned to move for another minute.

That night, the apartment felt empty.

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togetherwearerapture · 3 years

Text

Montage (Ethan x MC)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Elle Valentine)

Description: After returning from the Amazon, some liquor and the sight of Elle with another man makes Ethan realise that the feelings he’s been running from, are deeper and more powerful than he had ever imagined.

Warnings: Angst, alcohol, jealousy, mentions of sex, predatory behaviour, violence and injury. All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Notes: I’m back from the depths with another piece of Ethan angst (what else?). This is set at the start of Book 2, after Ethan and MC’s first week of working together again. The Dr Thorne aspect is a bit of a rewrite of Chapter 1.

Word Count: 3.4K

***************

The thrum of the music vibrates in his chest like a wayward pacemaker, the scotch burning through his veins. Tonight, Donahue’s is lively and crowded. Ethan usually stays away from the place on evenings like these, but he can’t quite bring himself to just finish his damn drink and leave.

He can’t stop watching her.

She’s not even looking at him- she probably doesn’t even know he’s here, for Christ’s sake- but still, he can’t bring himself to pull his gaze away. This enigmatic magnetism of hers is what drew Ethan in from the beginning.

Even when she was a name without a face, on top of the most compelling Edenbrook application he’d ever seen. Even when, he recalls, the moment their eyes met over an unconscious patient on the waiting room floor, back on her first day.

Her fingertips were quaking around the scalpel like the last leaf of fall around its lonely branch. Ethan remembers placing his own hand atop hers to guide her. She was delicate, and afraid, but through the adrenaline and the urgency of the situation, he could still see something irrefutably strong in her eyes.

‘A spark’ to describe sexual chemistry is such a cliché, and Ethan hates clichés, but he knows that from that moment on the waiting room floor, it has always been there. He realises that at some point, that spark became a wildfire.

And right now, with the combined kindling of the alcohol in his blood and the sight of her in the arms of another man, it’s an inferno.

And how it rages in his core.

Bryce Lahela leans in close to say something in her ear, and Elle Valentine throws her head back and laughs. Ethan knows the bar is far too loud for the sound to travel to him, but somehow, he hears it. He watches the lovely cascade of blonde hair swinging side to side down her back, as she and Bryce sway together happily on the dancefloor. As Ethan watches the surgeon’s tanned hands encircling her tiny waist, he remembers how it felt to hold her there with his own.

And then, he feels it beginning to creep into the corners of his mind. It is far too familiar now, but he has never become comfortable with its presence. It being, the torturous highlight reel of their time together. All their stolen moments, in the quietness and in the loud. It’s the montage that he had unsuccessfully tried to switch off in the Amazon by throwing himself into a pandemic for two months. For the last five days since he’s been back at Edenbrook, he’s tried to drown out its presence with his work. And tonight, he had attempted to resist its nightly arrival with alcohol.

When will you learn?

The rational medic in Ethan knows that liquor never does the job when it comes to her. He feels the montage creeping closer, and acknowledges that, if anything, the drink in his hand is the poison oil that has slickened the floodgates open.

You’re a goddamn fool, Ramsey.

And then, it’s there on the threshold again. He lets it come.

He remembers how her small hands felt as they travelled across his skin, dwarfed by the wide planes of his shoulders and chest. He remembers the way they felt that very first time, slipping underneath his tuxedo; her fingertips ten white hot points on his skin in the cold Miami air. Never before had he been touched with such tenderness and delicacy. Elle’s soft hands snaking behind his head to stroke the hair at the back of his neck was a sensation that he had etched into his soul.

He remembers when he touched her again, the first time they made love in his apartment. The feel of being inside of her, and the look of pure ecstasy on her face when she climaxed beneath him, was something that Ethan had burned into his cortex forever.

Ethan suddenly jerks as an obnoxiously drunk surgical resident knocks his elbow, leaning over the bar to signal Reggie for a round of shots. Jaw clenching, Ethan is momentarily dragged out from his reverie to snap at the resident to watch what he’s fucking doing. Surprising even himself with his irritability tonight, he returns his gaze to her. And almost immediately wishes he hasn’t.

There is no denying that she’s an absolute bombshell. She’s very clearly the most attractive woman in the hospital- hell, the most attractive woman Ethan has ever seen- but he suddenly becomes painfully aware that he is not the only one to notice this. He’s seen Lahela with her before around the hospital, flirting with her, of course. There’s also the burly paramedic who looks at her like a lovelorn puppy. And in fact, most people who come within ten feet of Elle Valentine do a double take in her direction.

And that includes tonight, too. Almost as if seeing it for the first time, Ethan looks around at the dancefloor, his hand tightening around the glass as he sees several other men cast admiring glances in her direction. The nudging, the pointing, the smirking, makes his blood boil. He tries desperately not to imagine what they are muttering to each other as they do so.

He tries (and fails spectacularly) not to think if Elle had slept with anyone else while he’d been in Brazil. Had she been with Lahela? His grip on her waist as they continued to sway on the dancefloor, looked too comfortable to be platonic. He wonders if, in his absence, if Elle had drowned her sorrows in alcohol like he had. Had she sat at this bar? Had she thrown herself into the arms of another- one of her many willing admirers? Had she had one night stands? Had the paramedic taken her out for dinner? That seemed like something he would do, he seemed the romantic type.

You have no right to think about any of this, a part of him chastises him from the depths of his intoxication. She can do what she wants, she can fuck who she wants. You pushed her away, you let her go.

The memory of their conversation here a mere five nights ago grips him like a vice.

**********

“Ethan…why didn’t you keep in touch?”

Her voice is so small, but it manages to smash his heart like a sledgehammer.

“No word from you at all, for two months? After everything that happened between us?”

“Everything that happened between us is exactly why I didn’t contact you. Elle, if we’re going to work together on the diagnostics team, we need a fresh start. Your professional development is too importance to jeopardise it with whatever…whatever it was that we had.”

“Had, past tense.”

“Yes. And the past is where it has to remain.”

**********

Past, that’s fucking rich, Ramsey, he scorns himself. The ‘It’ had never been so painfully and agonisingly present.

And so much for a fresh start for the sake of the diagnostics team. Ethan thinks of the new, cutting-edge research paper on Huntington’s that he had planned to review this evening. He thinks of it sitting, untouched, on the countertop of his empty apartment. He thinks of how he’s sitting at a much stickier countertop instead, drowning his sorrows in a scotch glass instead of a stack of paperwork.

******

“Good dancing stamina, Valentine,” says Bryce with a devilish wink, as the latest song comes to an end. Elle chuckles as they finally pull away from each other.

She stands on her tiptoes to talk in his ear above the din of the bar, telling him to go and see what the others want for the next round, while she joins the queue for the bar. Bryce nods, and with a light pat on her waist, heads back outside.

It’s then that Elle finds herself alone at the bar, and also alone with her thoughts. The thoughts she’s been desperately trying to push aside. She tries to focus her attention on the new happy hour cocktail list above the bar, but the Mexican Butterfly and Blood Orange Sling fail to captivate her thoughts.

Unable to keep her mind from wandering to him, Elle finds that her eyes do too. She allows her gaze to roam to his favourite seat at the bar…

And with a sudden jolt, sees that the seat is taken by the very man himself, and the piercing blue eyes that she’s been dreaming of for months, are already fixed on her own.

Feeling her heart rate begin to rise, Elle briefly considers breaking the eye contact. But perhaps it is the fact they are both alone, with no distractions, no one else to question them, that she allows herself to indulge. The shared gaze feels intimate, powerful, and almost illicit to her. He doesn’t look away, his eyes full of longing. Elle feels somehow naked there, as if they are the only two people in the room and he is devouring her with his eyes alone. She takes in the khaki jacket, the beard that she had dropped a hint at him to keep (and it doesn’t escape her notice that he took it), the neat whisky in hand.

She feels a sudden heat between her legs, and god, by the way his lips part just a little at that very moment, she swears he can feel radiating from her.

A jacket-clad shoulder suddenly steps beside her at the bar, and the moment is broken. Hiding her fluster, Elle swallows and shoots Reggie an understanding smile as he says he’ll be with her as quick as he can.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doing all on your lonesome? I could fix that.”

Startled, Elle turns to see that the owner of the jacket-clad shoulder is the one making the grotesque advances. Dr Garrett Thorne, a plastic surgeon she recognises from Edenbrook, is leering over her.

“I’m not alone. And I’m not interested, sorry,” she says, turning pointedly away from him and back to the bar. Her fingernails drum anxiously on the counter. She hopes Reggie comes over soon.

“You know, I’m a plastic surgeon,” he drawls, completely undeterred. “Most of my female clients would kill to get a body like yours.”

He leans closer, and Elle shrinks into herself; the usual scenario when trying to get rid of unwanted male attention. In a safer setting, or if her friends were, Elle would love to put Thorne in his place. But he’s far bigger than her, and he’s clearly not the type of man who would take no for an answer. Instinctively, she cranes her neck back around to the other end of the bar, hoping to meet Ethan’s eye again in a plea for help. To her dismay, she sees that the stool is empty.

“I said, I’m not interested. I want you to leave me alone-” she says firmly.

“But I can tell yours is all real,” Thorne raises his voice to speak over her. Elle isn’t sure if it’s the reek of his overpriced cologne or his words that make her feel suffocated. “It’s the proportions, you see…the shape. You just can’t get that with cosmetic adjustment.”

“Will you fuck off, you creep?” she snaps, disgusted.

“And of course,” he sneers, with a twisted, veneered smile, “you can tell for certain, by the feel.”

Elle barely has time to flinch away as Thorne’s hand touches her backside. Then, a flash of green collides with the plastic surgeon with the force of a freight train.

“Don’t touch her, you son of a bitch!”

******

Ethan pins Thorne against the bar, forearm pressed to his throat. Donahue’s whirring disco lights continue to throw out every colour under the rainbow, but all Ethan sees is red.

“Get-off-me-Ramsey!” Thorne splutters, squirming under Ethan’s unwavering hold.

“She told you to leave her alone, and you just didn’t listen.” He towers over the surgeon, his voice low. “If you ever touch her again, I’ll break your fucking hands, and you won’t operate for a year.”

Through the red haze, Ethan realises Reggie has appeared at his side.

“Easy Ethan, I’ll take care of him. I won’t have any creeps in here.” He lays a hand on Ethan’s shoulder, and one of the other barmen appears. Reluctantly, Ethan releases his grip on Thorne, watching him slither pathetically against the counter, his overly polished shoes slipping on the hardwood floor.

As Reggie and the barman march Thorne outside, a voice breaks through the sea of red.

“Ethan?”

He turns to see Elle, shaken. Her lips were slightly parted, her breathing quick.

“Elle, are you alright?” he says quickly, his hands settling on her with a gentleness that was completely alien to him a few moments before. He looks her over. “Did he hurt you, did he-”

“I’m fine, Ethan,” she interrupts him gently. She places her small hands on his arms. “Are-are you?”

He meets her eyes, and for a split second, the fairy lights above the bar could be stars in the sky above their hotel balcony. The draft from the back door could be the breeze over the Miami sea.

Then the memory is gone. The world that has disappeared to him for some time, jolts violently back into existence. Ethan glances around. Everyone in close proximity is staring at him. There are whispers.

“Elle, what’s going on?”

Ethan looks up and sees Lahela wading through the crowd, his gaze settling on Ethan’s hands on the junior resident’s waist.

Hurriedly, he drops his arms to his sides.

“As long as you’re alright. I should-”

He trails off, acutely aware of the many pairs of eyes around the bar still fixed on him. The staring burns him like fire, and he can feel it prickling at the back of his neck.

His cover has been blown. Was that an appropriate intervention, for a man making unwanted advances towards a woman in a bar? Wouldn’t a “back off, Garrett”, or a yanking of his arm have been enough? Was it necessary for him to pin him against the bar in a chokehold? To threaten to break his hands? Would he have reacted like that had it been any other woman?

She’s not just any woman to you. You know it, she knows it, and now this whole goddamn bar knows it too.

“I should go.”

“Ethan, wait!”

But it’s too late. He turns on his heel and walks away, as she pleads him not to.

He is acutely aware it’s not for the first time.

Now he is on the move, he becomes aware of the depths of his intoxication. The bar spins a little, and he almost stumbles as he reaches under the bar to retrieve his car keys that he’d given to Reggie earlier in the night.

He strides out of the door into the night. He barely registers Reggie and the barman shoving a protesting Thorne into the nearest cab. He just keeps walking, and walking.

He crosses over the street to Edenbrook, heading for the car park. The rows of stationary cars blur and dance in front of his eyes, and he knows he’s stumbling.

When his own car finally swims into view, Ethan fumbles with his keys to unlock it, half-falling into the driver’s seat.

He shoves the keys into the ignition. He knows how wrong and dangerous this is, but there is that gnawing desperation to be in control. To not be garnered by rules, and humiliation, and professionalism. He craves so badly to do something wrong, to rebel, and most of all, to get away.

He decisively turns the key, and the engine springs to life. As he fumbles for the gearstick to shove the car in drive, his fingertips trace something small and smooth. He glances down.

There, in the gearstick well, is Elle’s coconut chapstick. A fossil of her presence in his life.

And then the montage is there again, invading his mind before he even knows it’s there.

All the car rides they shared together; after they found the frog for Dolores, after the opera, after staying late at the hospital to work on Naveen’s case, after he dropped her off at her apartment the morning after they first made love.

Her laughter ringing through the car at him shaking his head, after she decisively switched over the stereo to a pop station, after enduring several hours of sombre classical tunes. Her singing along, with that beautiful voice of hers, which was entirely lovely to Ethan despite him rolling his eyes.

Their last night together…

He had made a conscious choice to engrave the vision in his mind, memorise every detail.

He remembers brushing her sweet spots with his lips; the hollow of her collarbone and the inside of her thigh. The feel of her goosebumps erupting under his fingertips as he did so, and the delicious sigh that escaped her lips.

He remembers every look on her face; the spectrum of her warm gentle smile, to the expression of pure ecstasy on her face as she came in his arms. He remembers all of it, the sight burned in his retinas forever.

That final morning. Elle laying in his arms, watching her sleep. He remembers running his hands through her hair, relishing in its softness, a golden halo around the pillow. He remembers watching her stir, then turning to stare stoically at the ceiling as he felt a lump grow in his throat, knowing he could never hold her like that again.

He finds his hands picking up the chapstick, throwing the cap carelessly aside. Fingers shaking, he presses it to his lips, and closes his eyes. The memory of every one of their kisses is so vivid, it’s almost cruel.

His throat burns and he chokes out a sob. Defeated, he turns off the engine. It feels as though an iron fist is closing around his neck. His eyes snap open, and he desperately fumbles to roll down the side window for air.

His reflection in the wing mirror catches his eye, and he glances up. He is terrified by how broken he looks.

A grown man, in tears over a woman’s chapstick. You’re pathetic, Ramsey.

His fists blasts into the mirror, the burning in his knuckles incomparable to the inferno in his soul. He can feel the pain; physically feel it- in his chest, and it feels like it’s ripping him from the inside out.

He is shaking, heaving with sobs now, his head in his hands as he feels a hot trickle of blood travel down his arm. He wonders what it is inside him that makes him torture himself in this way. That makes him deprive himself of the only woman he’s ever loved, the one every fibre of his being screams for.

He swears he can almost feel the warmth of Elle’s hand resting atop his knee, almost hear her voice ring out in the empty car, speaking words she’d said many times before.

“I’m here, Ethan.”

“I know.”

But she is not. Not anymore. And for that, Ethan knows he only has himself to blame.

#ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #dr ethan ramsey #open heart #choices open heart

70 notes · View notes

yukiobeyme · 3 years

Note

I'm interested to see your take (fic or HC's, all your stuff is gold,) on Beel' reaction to a love interest MC admitting that they're actually very scared of Belphie after the whole... Chapter 16 onward events. (I'm in the mood for ANGST, ya know?)

It’s nowhere near angsty as it should be, I’ll admit that. But there is some hurt, Big brother Lucifer, Love Guru Asmodeus, and a heart to heart with Belphie. So there’s that?

But Overall I imagine Beel being hurt and immediately thinking you are going to make him choose. He would want nothing more you to get along and love each other. Then he would want to work with you to build your trust with Belphie much like you had helped the brothers.

Beel had no idea you felt this way. You were always so nice to Belphie, welcoming him and even helping patch things up between the brothers. Though now he stood frozen outside of your door. He paid no mind to his brothers that had gathered around once they heard yelling.

It was a typically day at the House of Lamination, you had cooking duty and as always Beel joined you. You made Beel’s favorite, while he prepared Belphie’s soup. Dinner went without a hitch, just normal banter but no yelling or fights. He watched as you lit up as you laughed along with Satan, Asmo, Levi, and Belphie teasing Mammon. He smiled when you played both sides, teasing Mammon but defending him too. You always told him you had a thing for playing devil’s advocate. Your care for all the brothers showed and it warmed Beel to the very core. His family was important to him and here you were making an effort to make sure they were happy.

That night, Beel asked you to do homework with him. He promised you favorite snacks and when he showed up, he brought Belphie with him and pretended not to notice how you looked unsure and guard for a moment before welcoming the twins and diving into hex homework.

Beel wasn’t stupid, he knew you didn’t like sleeping in their room anymore since Belphie came back, but he took it more for privacy reasons. While you didn’t mind holding his hand as you walked to RAD, or sneaking the occasional kiss between classes, Beel figured you didn’t want to invade Belphie’s space with your affections. Though for now, you were tangled up in bed, Beel simply smiled and watched you sleep for a few moments. He let his eyes fall shut and enjoyed how you felt up against him, your constant pressure on his chest and he could feel your calming heartbeat. His eyes snapped back open when he heard you whimper and start to squirm against him.

“MC,” he muttered, gently cradling you, before moving to wake up.

“Belphegor, please no!” you shouted once you were awake. Beel felt your heart stammer, he watched as your chest moved wildly as if you were being suffocated and could finally breathe again. Beel recognized this emotion in humans all too well. Fear.

“MC,” he softly called to you, looking over you worryingly.

“I thought he was going to kill me again Beel.” Your voice was choked; he could feel you shaking as you fought off the sobs.

“Do you dream about it often?” Beel asked, he was torn. You were so important to him, but so was his brother, and the idea of you two not getting along wasn’t an option for him.

“I’m so scared of him,” you admitted quietly, you sounded drained and exhausted, as if you had been working out rather than just waking up.

“You don’t need to be scared of Belphie,” Beel tried to comfort you but you pushed yourself off his chest the moments those words left his lips.

“I don’t have a need to be scared of Belphie!” your voice went hard, and you were practically yelling. “Do you need to be reminded he killed me? It wasn’t a tried to kill me like Levi or Lucifer either, Beel. He was successful, the only reason I am alive is because of Barbatos choosing a timeline where I lived.” You felt hot tears coming and you rushed to wipe them away.

“MC,” Beel said softly like he was talking to an injured animal.

“Don’t MC me, just get out get out,” you tried and push him out the bed, but he was so much stronger than you. Beel understood he wasn’t wanted and allowed you to shove him along and let you slam the door behind him.

Now he stood frozen outside of your door, ignoring his brothers that had gathered. They probably heard the yelling and was worried about what was happening.

“Beel?” Belphie was the one that broke the silence and reached out to touch him and Belphie face twisted to a hurt expression when Beel simply moved away from his touch and brushed past the brothers without a word.

The next morning, you didn’t bother with breakfast nor did you bother waiting for Beel or at least one of the brothers to walk with you to RAD. For the first time, since you and Beel had made it official, you walked alone.

You head was spinning from last night, you felt bad for blowing up like you did but for Beel to tell you, you had no need to be scared of someone who has proved they can and will kill you.

You arrived to class far too early and decided to busy yourself between looking at today’s lesson and checking your DDD. You ignored Beel’s messages and send an apology to Lucifer for not walking with anyone and promised to at least walk home with someone. You then sent a message to Satan, asking if he would sit beside you today, and while he expressed how he didn’t want to get involved with the fight you and Beel were having, he reluctantly agreed.

You smiled brightly at Satan when he joined you in the classroom, he gave you a disapproving look before sitting beside you.

“Good Morning MC, you skipped breakfast,” Satan scolded you, but it lacked any heat.

“Good Morning Satan, I did. I’m sorry, I wanted to review hexes before class,” you shrugged pretending nothing was to astray.

Satan sighed before leaning close to you, “We all hear last night,” his voice was low and you felt your body turn to ice.

“Oh, even Belphegor?” you whispered, you felt guilt eat at you, knowing you probably are causing a family problem.

Satan smiled sadly at you before nodding and straightened back up when he noticed Beel had entered.

Beel was a lot more unkempt than usual, his hair was a mess and his face seemed redder than normal. Though somehow, he still made your breath catch in your throat. You felt yourself stiffen when you say he was coming your way. He came to your side of the table before stopping and looking over sadly at Satan then back at you.

“You didn’t come to breakfast,” was the only thing he said as he placed a breakfast sandwich in front of you before moving to take a seat in the back of the class. Your heart fluttered, even when you were upset at each other, he still cared for you.

You kept your head down for the day, only talking when spoken to and made sure you didn’t bring any unwanted attention to yourself. You tried to avoid both Belphie and Beel, making sure when they came near your eyes stayed glued to the ground.

You were grateful when Lucifer offered to walk you home, you knew it meant you would have to stay after, but it also meant you could avoid Beel and Belphie a little longer.

“MC,” Lucifer greeted you, he grabbed your books from your arms before starting off towards to House of Lamentation. You flashed him a grateful smile.

“It’s none of my business,” Lucifer started, only briefly glancing at you, “but know that if this affects my brother’s or Diavolo’s vision in any way, I will step in,” you could help but roll your eyes. This wasn’t anything new from Lucifer, sometimes he was a broken record.

“Though you have managed to drive the twins apart quite a bit,” Lucifer continued on, only glaring at you for a second. You felt your face fall and stomach twist, you didn’t mean for your fear to get in the way of their bond.

“But you understand where I come from though, Lucifer?” you asked him quietly, maybe it wasn’t as big of a deal.

“Belphie for sure made a mistake,” Lucifer started and seemed to ponder for a moment before continuing, “Quite a big mistake, something that would be understandable if you couldn’t forgive him or if you feared him,” Lucifer had paused midstride before looking over at you.

“But I also know, you aren’t one to hold a grudge MC. You have been placed in horrible situations, ones where you could have quite possibly have met your end, but you rose up each time and tackled the problem head-on each time.” Lucifer smiled ruefully at you, “It’s something that is both infuriating and endearing about you,” Lucifer then continued to walk, not even glancing back to make sure you were following him.

You made it back to the house and immediately set off to the kitchen, you gathered what you needed to make tea. You gathered the plate before heading towards the library, praying that Satan had decided to stay in his room today. You let out a sigh of relief, before you could chicken out you sent Beel a message to come meet you.

It took about ten minutes before he showed up, and once he sat down neither of you knew how to start this conversation. You couldn’t believe one event, and one stupid fear could change so much in so little time.

You sat drinking your tea in silence, but in some ways, it was oddly comforting. To simply enjoyed each other’s company and though there was tension, it didn’t seem to affect either of you too much.

It wasn’t until you both had finished your tea and Beel had finished the last of the snacks that you brought before either of you spoke.

“Don’t make me choose MC. Because it isn’t a choice for me. It will always be Belphie, always” Beel told you firmly, making sure to hold eye contact. Though somewhere in his brain was pleading with him to beg for you, to make you stay.

I know Beel, I know,” you gave him a sad, soft smile. You briefly squeezed his arm before walking away from him. Beel wanted to stop you, but knew this had to be the right choice in the end, right?

It wasn’t the conversation you wanted to have with him, nor was it the one you needed. If anything, all it did was make it hurt worse. You should have known this, of course, Beel would pick his twin over you. But at the same time, did he think so little of you that you would force him to choose between his brother and you.

Once in the safety of your room, you let yourself fall apart. You clung to your pillow and let yourself cry. You ended drifting off in a dreamless sleep. You ended up sleeping through dinner and at this point, you didn’t care, you felt numb.

You recalled what Lucifer told you, you tended to tackle all your problems head-on, and this is all this is right? It’s just a problem, something that could be solved. It made you exhausted to try and think of a solution, instead, you decided you needed advice and maybe a nice bath. Which thankfully there was a brother that seemed to be specialized in both.

You gathered your pjs and towel before heading towards Asmo’s door, within seconds of knocking, Asmo opened his door and welcomed you in.

“Asmodeus,” you started sternly, “I don’t think sex is the solution to this,” you were in his bath neck deep in bubbles as Asmo gently lathered your hair.

“That’s no fun,” Asmo whined but thankfully stopped pushing it, “So Beel thought you were going to make him choose between the two of you?”

“Yes and I could never ask that of him, I could never put any of you against each other,” you said, looking lost.

“Did you tell him that?” Asmo asked you quietly

“I didn’t have the chance,” you whispered, “I left after he said that. Why does it hurt so much when he told me he’d choose Belphie over me anyways?” you hit the water out of frustration watching the water and bubbles disperse.

“It always hurt to know if you aren’t number one with someone,” Asmo gently shushed you, “though the hurt isn’t to the same extent, you choosing Beel over me hurt,” you gave him a helpless and sorry look, “no need to give me that face, I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad,” Asmo gently washed out all the soap from your hair before continuing.

“But I am still your number one and who you come to with relationship problems. Though you didn’t choose me as your number one, I know you don’t want to lose me,” Asmo voice started to pick up and got close to his normal sing-along voice.

“I’m willing to bet Beel doesn’t want to lose you either, even if he told you Belphie is his number one. Belphie is his twin, they both suffered the most when we lost Lilith. Beelz almost lost Belphie too,” Asmo told you, sounding completely confident in his words.

It took a week before you tried talking to Beel again. While you didn’t outright avoid him like you did on the first day, you didn’t necessarily go out of your way to talk to him. Though you kept your distance from Belphie, not knowing how he felt about the whole situation. You couldn’t help but feel bad for him, you knew him well enough to know he probably blamed himself for this fight, but you couldn’t help but worry that maybe he would kill you again. It would definitely resolve the problem.

You went to the planetarium and sat and watched the stars. You jumped when you heard the door close, you turned and froze when you saw Belphie behind you.

“Oh I’ll just go,” Belphie stuttered out and turned to leave but you called out after him, “No, please stay” you don’t understand why you did but you did.

“Okay,” Belphie voice was small and he moved more into the room slowly and making sure to keep plenty of space between you.

“I’m sorry,” you said after a moment of silence, looking over at Belphie, who just gave you a confused look.

“I know you overheard the fight,” you said shyly and looked unsure at him. “I don’t mean to cause any problems, especially between you and Beel,”.

“I don’t think you have anything to apologize for,” Belphie answered after a moment, “I think it’s mean that have a lot to apologize for.” Belphie paused and looked up at the stars above you before continuing, “from killing you to making it so you feel scared of me, and don’t say it’s not my fault either,” Belphie gave you a rueful look. You could help but let out a small laugh.

You let your shoulders drop and you turned to face him, “ I’m sorry I’m hurting Beel right now and I know I am hurting you as well,” you looked over at Belphie, emotions mixing inside of you. You still felt the fear, but you also couldn’t help but feel remorseful and bad.

“Beel is hurting right now,” Belphie didn’t try and hid the bite to his voice.

“I would never make him choose,” you rushed to say, “I would never ask him to choose between me and you,” you clarified. “That would only hurt him more and I think he needs the both of us for different things,” you told Belphie honestly.

“I figured you wouldn’t MC, that didn’t seem like you,” Belphie gave you a small smile. Belphie seemed to ponder for a moment before looking over at you, “Is there any way I could help you not be scared of me?”

You froze, you never thought about it. You didn’t want to be scared of him, but how do you go about it?

“I don’t know. I’ve tried to forgive you. I think I have for the most part, but I guess it’s just because you were the first demon to prove their point that they are capable of killing me,” you replied with a huff, “I mean Levi and Lucifer have had their moments, when I thought they were going to kill me, but they didn’t,”.

“I can’t take back what I did to you MC, and I am sorry for that” Belphie said and you both lapsed into silence for a bit.

“I thought about Beel each time,” you said suddenly, “When Levi changed to his demon form, I mourned the fact that I didn’t get to know him more. I practically sacrificed myself to Lucifer for him and I just hoped Beel understood my feeling for him. Then with you, I was torn. You were his twin and I wanted nothing more to be your friend. I also couldn’t help but think of all the things I hadn’t done with Beel yet or the things I would miss,” you let your guard down for a moment.

“You really do love him,” Belphie said, he wasn’t questioning you, he was stating a fact.

“Yea, I do. I really do” you said with a soft smile.

“Maybe you should tell him that,” Belphie returning a soft smile.

You both sat in silence, and while it was by no means easy for you, you enjoyed the first real connection and conversation you had with Belphie. Before long you said goodnight to an already sleeping Belphie before heading to the twin’s room with confidence.

“Beel, are you in there?” you called softly as you knocked on the door.

“MC?” Beel returned as he cracked the door open.

You gently pushed on the door until it was open enough for you to slip inside. You took in the room before turning to look at a shy and uneasy Beel.

“Come here,” you said softly, holding out your arms. Beel was quick to embrace you and pull you close to him.

“I love you,” you whispered before gently guiding your lips together. Once you broke the kiss, you looked him in the eye, “I would never make you choose between me and Belphie. I never want you to” you told him.

“I love you too, MC.” You could see the tears forming in his eye and you simply squeezed him tighter.

“What about Belphie?” Beel gently whispered, “I would love for you to be friends,” he nudged his face into your neck.

“It won’t be an easy feat,” you started looking around their room, “but for you I’m willing to try,” you told him.

“You have every right to be scared MC, but I’ll be beside you along the way,” Beel reassured you before ushering you towards his bed, and just like before you found yourself tangled together, enjoying each other’s company and hopeful for the future.

#yuki writes!#Obey me beelzebub #obey me beel #obey me belphegor #obey me belphie #beelzebub obey me #belphie obey me #belphegor obey me

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that-otome-potato · 3 years

Text

Gone

Pairing: Would-be Pre-relationship between Kei and the reader/MC.

Rating: PG - Angst

Word Count:

Notes: Don’t ask me where this came from. I have no idea, it just kind of came to being. This happens at the end of Season 2 when Kei leaves Starless. Female pronouns used, and any time you see “__________”, that’s an “insert name here.”

Summary: Dreams of him plague you ever since he left. Is leaving to find him a good idea? Who else would go looking for him to bring him back? There’s danger to you out there, yes, but you learned the hard way you couldn’t always rely on Kei to be around to protect you.

‘Let me protect you!’

“__________!”

You woke with a start and looked around frantically, trying to find the speaker, but found no one nearby. Of course there wouldn’t be anyone there. The shop had yet to open for the day and you’d fallen asleep on the couch in the back, unable to stay in your apartment alone for too long. Unei had long since given you permission to come in early and you had been taking advantage of it over the last month.

Knees to your breast, you lay your forehead on them and released another shuddering sigh. Another dream. Dreams of Kei had been plaguing you since the day he left Starless without a word as to where he was going or why. Spending a majority of your time at Starless made you feel better. Somewhat.

What was he doing? Was he okay? You knew he had his reasons and that they were likely to be good ones - he rarely did anything without good intention.

However, though you told herself that, his absence was a heavy cloud over many at Starless. Had he thought about how, with his leaving the shop, would affect the others? Most were still upset, even weeks later. But there were a few that, in the two years you’d been coming to Starless, you’d never seen so happy.

You touch the screen of your phone, bringing the lock screen up, hoping for some kind of notification of a message about him or from him. Still nothing. The only hint of news that anyone at the shop had received was when Kasumi hinted he might have seen a blog article from America about Kei.

‘America? Why did he go back? Maybe I…’ You just shook your head with a derisive chuckle. ‘All this pining and thinking about looking for him. The pain I feel when I think about him and how he isn’t there to greet me with one of his gorgeous smiles? The feeling of contentment, of peace, whenever I see him, talk to him, spend time with him. I just need to face it - I’m in love with him. Too bad it took him leaving for me to realize it. I took for granted his presence until it was too late. Now, no one knows if or when he will return.’

The others at Starless knew how you felt about the Team K leader, even before you did. Some of them tried to console you, to make you smile again when yours started to falter. Some tried to convince you it was for the best that you and Kei were nothing but friends and that you should move on. That he wasn’t worth the loss of who you were, of the smile you brought to the shop.

But how could you after everything you found out about your past that you had forgotten and how it included him and Heath?

All you told them, whenever they came to you as a group or individually, was that you appreciate their concern and offered them a somewhat forced smile, before going about your day at Starless, lost in thoughts about the man who ran.

Shaking your head, you tapped on the ‘messages’ icon and clicked on his name to bring up the last message you two had shared, ignoring the playful last message he had sent you, and began typing the first to him since he left.

To Kei: ‘I will never again forget.’

The little fluttering icon representing your text flapped as if traveling before settling again, getting replaced by the word ‘sent’.

Just as you were about to close the phone screen and get up to help set up shop for the night, you saw small dots appear at the bottom of the screen on his side of the conversation, signifying he was responding. An excitement you hadn’t felt in ages filled you at the sight. ‘He’s okay! He’s replying!’ You settle back down on the couch and cross your legs, eagerly awaiting for him to finish typing.

After what felt like forever, he finally pressed ‘send’, but the message you received confused you, bringing you from the highest you’d felt in a long time, to even lower than you had before.

From Kei: ‘Good for you? I think you have the wrong number.’

You frown at the screen of your phone as you start to reply. ‘This isn’t Kei?’

From ???: ‘Who’s Kei?’

The phone in your hand fuzzes before your eyes. Did he get a new number? Why? That surely couldn’t be a good sign. You wanted to think of this as some kind of cruel joke by the Team K leader, but it wasn’t like him.

Hitting ‘send’ on the quick apology to whoever had Kei’s number now, you sat there on the couch, thinking as memories of him at Starless flit past your mind’s eye.

There had to be some kind of explanation to all of this, but none of the rest of the cast seemed to care as much as you did. Not even Ginsei, which was surprising. He just assured her that Kei would return and to be patient.

It was up to you now. You would find Kei and either bring him home or join him.

~*~ 6 months later ~*~

One sunny afternoon, as the cast was preparing for that night’s show - Team W was performing Out In Out - Everyone’s gaze was drawn to the back where their customers entered, watching in confusion as the double doors opened with a loud creak. Instantly, all chatter was silenced as every head turned to see who could possibly be coming through the door.

Ginsei was closest to the doors and felt his skin pale with the shock of seeing the person standing in the doorway with the spotlights of the lobby shining at their back.

“...Kei? Is that you?”

Kei turned his head to face his number two with his signature smirk.

“Ginsei. I’m glad to see you are well,” his gaze scanned the rest of the cast, seeing the expected reactions at his sudden return. Except one. The one he had missed the most these past seven months. Kei turned back to Ginsei. “I see almost everyone is here. Where is __________? Has she not come in yet today?”

A tortured look came over Ginsei’s face and he looked down and to the side, gripping the handle of a broom he’d been using to sweep the shop floor. Kei watched as his grip grew so taught on the metal handle that the other man’s knuckles turned white against the pressure.

“Kei… __________… she…”

“She left to go looking for your sorry ass!” Heath practically shouted as he stomped over to Kei and Ginsei. When he was right in front of Kei, and without even missing a beat, his fist was already back and sailing towards Kei, hitting the older man in the jaw with all the force he could muster.

Kei’s head snapped to the side from the power of Heath’s attack. He reached up to tenderly touch where he’d been hit before looking at Heath in confusion.

“Explain.”

“No! She’s gone. Again. Because you failed to protect her! But this time?” Heath released an angry huff. “This time, it’s worse.”

The poison in Team B’s MC was so strong that it felt as if it had been injected right into his own veins. Kei turned to Ginsei for confirmation, receiving a nod from the silver-haired male.

“After you left, __________ started smiling less and less when she came to the shop. No matter how any of us tried to help her feel better. She tried, often, to do what she could to distract us from asking her questions, but we knew. She missed you.” Ginsei paused, releasing a sigh so filled with sadness it felt like a tangible thing falling to the ground. “She had taken to spending more and more time at the shop, only going to her apartment for a couple hours at a time.

“Then one day, a group of us went over to her apartment to check on her when we hadn’t seen her for a week. There, we found her home ransacked and two notes on her kitchen table. One was from her to the cast, explaining that she would do everything she could to bring you back home. The other was… not hers.”

Kei felt his stomach clench at Ginsei’s ominous words. “What do you mean? What did it say?”

“Ginsei, don’t. You’ve told him enough.”

He knew Heath was saying that because he was hurting - it had happened before. Kei knew that Heath wanted him to feel the same kind of pain. So why stop Ginsei from explaining?

Ginsei just shook his head at Heath. “He deserves to know, Heath. I think __________ would want us to tell him.”

“What did the note say? Tell me everything. I will find her again, I promise.”

“There’s no need for your empty promises. We found her a couple of weeks ago.”

“What? Where? Where is she now? Tell me.”

~*~

Kei stood where the cab had dropped him off and looked down at the text message Ginsei had sent his new number, containing the address of __________’s location. When he looked up at the sterile building before him, he felt as if a knife had wedged itself into his chest, slowly starting to twist. The numbers matched. He woodenly entered the building and heard himself talking to the receptionist inside as if from a great distance.

Another twist.

Everything the cast members had told him was slowly falling into place in this new puzzle of his life. He’d planned to be gone long enough to throw off the scent of those in the shadows that were after him, wanting to use __________ as a means to an end to hurt him. By leaving and having a wall of protection twenty-four members thick, it had to work. But one month turned into two, turned into seven in the blink of an eye. But the entire time, he’d had faith that she was well. He even changed his number so that it couldn’t be used to track him or to show the enemy that she was in contact with him.

Nothing had gone as he’d planned, and he hadn’t even known.

Kei started walking towards where he was told her room was, thinking back to when the other cast members had told him what had happened.

“The second letter was silver printed on black paper and placed just under her own. ‘You know you couldn’t protect her forever.’ was all it said. When the police told us that the active case for her disappearance had been labeled a cold case a month later, a few of the crew went to her apartment before it was released to the landlady, hoping to find something they might have missed. But nothing stood out and they started hoping that she had found you, that the black note had been a way to distract us from looking for her.

“Then, a couple weeks ago, Unei called all of us, frantic, telling us to get to the shop early because __________ had returned. When I got there a couple minutes later, he was still standing outside, looking at a pile of cloth at the base of the doors in disbelief. Shock. Pain. The whole gambit. It was __________.”

Kei watched Ginsei frown as he stared off into nothing, seeing the scene he was describing right before his eyes. When it was apparent he was having issues telling the story, Kokuyou stepped forward, placed a hand on Ginsei’s shoulder heavily and leveled his gaze at Kei.

‘She looked like she’d been put through the ringer, man. Cuts, scrapes and bruises were all over her. There were even some strange looking needle and angry red circular marks at her temples. To make things worse, the bastards that had captured her had attached another note to the flesh of her chest with safety pins. Somehow, they found her while she was out looking for you. Probably heard she was lookin’ for you and offered to help since she didn’t know who her enemy was. It said that, since she wasn’t under your protection anymore, she’d help ‘em find you whether she liked it or not. Guess no one got their answers since you look the peak of health.’

Kei stopped in front of the door to her room. He lifted his hand to knock, but paused, unsure of what he would find on the other side.

“__________?” Kei called out to her hesitantly as he opened her sliding door quietly in case she was asleep.

Inside the room, he found her familiar silhouette sitting in a comfortable chair, facing a large bay window. If he’d been there for better reasons, he might have admired the beautiful view more. As it was, his crystalline blue eyes never left the back of her head, taking in her slight form and scraggly, unkempt hair.

Any time before now, when he would say her name, especially after they grew close to one another again, she would turn to face him with a smile so bright and warm that it lit up her face completely. It lit up any room she happened to be in and affected them all in different ways. Then she would hurry over to him to greet him and he would feel warmed, healed by her presence, like he’d finally deserved forgiveness for what had happened fifteen years ago.

This time? Nothing. Not even the slightest of muscle twitches to acknowledge his presence. The knife in his chest pressed deeper, turned harder, the sharp edges scraping along the flesh of his heart.

Kei walked slowly towards her, the clack of the heels of his boots loud on the linoleum of her room, until he was standing before her, facing her. What he saw nearly made him cry out in despair, the knife making it’s final cut, shattering his heart into a million pieces.

There was naught but vacancy in her beautiful eyes. No recognition, no emotion, nothing. It was as if she was simply an empty shell. Blank, pale, listless The only actions her body did that showed even the tiniest sign of life that told him she was still with him, was her slow breathing and even slower automatic closing and opening of her eyes.

“Oh, my precious, precious little bird,” Kei’s whisper was broken as he crouched in front of her, placing his hands on her knees and looking into her familiar eyes from below. “I wasn’t there for you again and you got hurt. I should have just stayed away from you that day when you received the card with the old shop’s address on it. But I’d finally found you again! I couldn’t let you go, not this time. Now look at what my selfishness has done. You should have stayed at Starless. You had to know I would return to you. Why…”

Gently, he took one of her small hands in his and laid his forehead against them, willing whatever strength he could into her, to heal her and bring her back to him. He felt his shoulders start to shake as he attempted to suppress sobs that had tried to choke him. He squeezed her hand between his own as his tears started to fall, regret eating him alive.

He didn’t see the single tear that fell slowly from __________’s eye, disappearing into her hospital gown.

~*~

#blst kei #bsts kei #blst fanfic #bsts fanfic #my work #my words

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thearcana-junkie · 4 years

Text

“Charming”

Paring; Ghost!Lucio X MC

Prompt(?); Personal Request

WARNINGS; Angst to Fluff. !!!SPOILERS FOR LUCIOS ROUTE!!!

Summary; After doing a blood pact with Lucio, You head to balcony after getting some vital information. Upon arriving you find that Asra (Your best friend and teacher.) is back early from his trip. He’s thrilled to see you; that is until he see’s the ghost following you around.

Word Count; 2036

Authors notes;

This story follows Lucio’s route; specifically when you do a blood pact. This doesn’t follow exsactly what’s canon— it’s mostly my spin on it!

———————————————————————

You had just made your blood pact with Lucio, well maybe not JUST did it. You had hung out with Lucio and watched him play with Malchior and Mercedes, now you were walking down the hall, Lucio still laughing to himself as he placed the feather he took from the guy setting up decorations in your hair. "man it feels nice to stretch my legs!" Lucio smiled in contentment as he floated beside you. You gave him a glance from the side as a smile crept onto your face. "Well I'm glad your happy, but don't forget why I helped you." You stated trying to stay as formal as you could while you whispered to the invisible mute person floating beside you.

"Mmm, Because my charm had you wanting mme by your side?" He teased softly.

This man, always going on about how amazing he is. You just roll your eyes, "No because we need to you to tell Nadia that Julian is innocent." you explain, you silently mulled over in your head how exactly you'd explain that without sounding crazy. "Ah right, Save your lover from parral." Lucio huffed in slight annoyance.

"He's not my lover." You corrected absentmindedly. Trust was he wasn't, You guys shared a kiss or two both neither were romantic in anyway— Mostly just Julian being so excited and Happy that you'd help him or Some sweet friendly kisses to your head like an older sibling would do.

"Then why are you so hell bent on proving his innocence?" Lucio asked as he floated in front of you, pulling you from your thoughts. "He's my friend and I don't want him to die— Duh. Have you never had friend's before?" You asked as you walked. You were so glad that no one was down the hall to hear your one sided conversation. After all if Nadia saw or heard you were talking to yourself she'd think you were crazy and not let you on the case anymore.

Lucio blew an annoyed raspberry, "Of course I have friend's! Everybody loves me!!!" Lucio exclaimed with his arms outstretched. You hummed in response which made Lucio snark slightly. "What? Do you not like me?" He asked, "Mmm Well you can be a little annoying with the ego and all." You mused as you began to reach the balcony where Asra and Nadia were waiting for you.

Lucio gasped, "Ego!? I do NOT have an ego!" Lucio said with a slightly high pitched tone which you would soon realize that when he did that he was almost always lying.

You laughed softly as you looked at him, you had arrived at the door now. "Oh please, It's so big I don't know how you see over it to talk to people." You whispered, mindful of the people on the other side. Lucio just crossed his arms as you opened the door.

Outside on the balcony there was Nadia who sat in a chair elegantly sipping her tea, her eyes darting to the door when it opened, a smile found its way to her face when she saw you. Just you. Asra was sitting across from her, his tea on the table between them. He stood with a smile, "Hey!" He exclaimed as he opened his arms for a hug, you quickly accepted by running into said hug. "God I missed you!" You squeezed him causing him to laugh.

Lucio peeked around the corner to watch you, "Ah I see your into the lazy type." Lucio commented, you tried your best to ignore it now that you were in front of people but you couldn't help shooting him a glare.

Asra's eyes followed yours, his body slipped from yours when he saw Lucio. You didn't notice, he couldn't possibly see him right? Asra look at you now, his who mood changed to worry with a hint of some Th omg foreign to you— Anger. "What did you do?" He asked you slowly.

"I— what?" You asked.

"How is he here!? He's supposed to be dead, what did you do!?" Asra asked as he raised his voice, the anger coming through more then the concern. Nadia was appalled by his sudden mood change and so were you. "Who on earth are you talking about Asra?" Nadia asked, Asra pointed to Lucio who was now standing in the doorway. "Lucio! Lucio's Ghost is connected to MC, I can feel the line. What did you do?" Sara said with more urgency now.

"Lucio's Ghost? Now this is intriguing. Perhaps you'd Should calm down Asra so they can explain." Nadia suggested calmly. Asra took a deep breath as he sat back down. You stood there kind of awkwardly as the center of attention, Lucio took a step in the room but receded said step when Asra shot him a glare.

"So, Mc if you don't mind. How exactly did this happen?" Nadia asked, she kept her mind open to this whole ghost thing.

You took a deep breath in and out. "Lucio's been haunting his wing of the palace ever since he died." You began, "I didn't DIE! It was just an oopsie!" Lucio interjected. Nadia didn't flinch since she couldn't see or hear her Ex-Husband. You just rolled her eyes at his comment and continued your story.

"I found him there when I was investing..." You finished your sentence. "That would make sense with all the stories from the maids through the palace." Nadia said with a sigh, Asra sat there siliently.

You played with the hem of your shirt as your finished telling the story. "He said he couldn't leave the wing because that's where he died." Lucio went to correct you but you paid him no mind as you continued— "He looked really lonely... And I figured if anyone could help solve his death it'd be him but I needed to get him out of the room or he wouldn't help. I found this spell in one of Asra's old books I had brought to protect myself." You stated hesitantly. "Blood pact— You made a blood pact!? Do you know how dangerous that could be!! You bound your souls together!" Asra exclaimed as he stood again, his anger shocked everyone but especially you.

"He wouldn't help unless I did!" You countered, "and what's stopping him from not helping? He got what he wanted— MC you shouldn't trust him!" Asra told with worry laced in his voice. "Asra I'm not a child— you act as if I'm to stupid to know what I'm doing!" you barked at him. Lucio floated over and stood between you two hoping to stop the fighting— to stop Asra's aggression towards you— to protect you.

Asra looked through Lucio right at you, "You don't know what your doing, I treat you like a child because you act like one. Your to careless with what you do and you put yourself in danger because of it!" Asra snapped back. You stood there honestly shocked by his words. Lucio snarled at Asra viscously.

Nadia stood with now, "Enough!" She yelled, her voice full of dominance. Asra backed up and sighed, he looked away not meeting your gaze. "I should have never left..." he grumbled under his breath.

You clenched you're hands that we're balled into a fist— you knew you'd never hit him but you couldn't help that they became fists. Your teeth gritted together as tears prickled in the corner of your eyes. You were furious and hurt. "Yeah well maybe you shouldn't have! You always leave when I need you!" You suddenly snapped, Asra looked at you from the sudden words. When he saw your his expression softened, you standing there trying to to cry or scream— Lucio standing in front of you as if he was trying to protect you from something. Protect you from him.

"Look what you did!" Lucio snapped at Asra, Though you couldn't hear it all you saw was Lucio talking without noise, but Asra heard it loud and clear. "This is your fault you urchin!" Lucio snapped again, Asra sunk softly in his place like a scolded child.

Your turned swiftly and existed the balcony hearing your name called by Nadia, only Nadia.

Your stomped down the hall with Lucio following far behind, not far enough that he was being tugged by the string that connected you, but far enough that gave you space. Funny how he's being the considerate one.

When you got to your room you entered and slammed the door, Lucio was there not too long after but he waited on the other side of the door listening.

A sniffle.

A sniffle caught his attention from the other side.

Lucio pokes his head through the closed door to see you sitting on the floor at the end of the bed, your knees pulled to your chest and your face buried in your arms you had that pulled you closer to yourself.

Lucio stepped through the door and floated over to you. He didn't know what to do— he'd never had to comfort anybody except himself and when he did that he just caught him things to make himself feel better but now that he was a ghost he couldn't really do that. "Hey... are you.... crying?" Lucio asked dumbly as he at in front of you.

"No..." you took a minute to reply, you'd only known Lucio Fir about an hour you didn't want him know you were crying in front of him. Lucio clicked his tongue in disagreement. "Look at me then." He challenged, you were cornered now— "Okay I am..." you admitted.

"Still, Look at me." He said almost softly, you lifted your tear stained face but didn't look directly at him, instead off to the side. Lucio sighed since you didn't do what he asked and just kind of went around it.

"Look at me." He said again, your head looked away but you glanced at him from the side.

"Look at me." He said again, he was starting to sound like a broken record now. You huffed as you gave in and stared at him dead on. "What?" You asked with slight annoyance. Lucio reach out to grab a hair from in front of your face and move it, it was barely caught on his ghostly fingers before it slipped through landing back where it was. Agitated that the action hasn't done what it was supposed to he tried again only for it to fail again.

Lucio groaned in absolute annoyance, he stopped though when he heard your sweet laugh. "What?" He asked like a confused puppy. You had to admit that even if the action didn't happy like it was supposed to even if was a small action that didn't mean much it made you laugh at how he was trying so hard. "You." You hummed at you looked at him, his lip puckered into a pout as heat roast his his ghastly face. This made you smile even more.

Your smile faded as you laid your head on its side, cheek pressed to your arm. "I've never seen Asra so mad— much less at me." You mumbled softly. "Well take it from someone who he's mad at a lot, he'll get over it." Lucio shrugged with a smile. You smiled at his attempt to cheer you up, you sat up nodding. "Yeah I guess he'll have to get over it— the damage is done." You sighed.

Lucio frowned a little at you, "Damage, is what you did for me that dangerous?" He asked, "It can be, but I'm glad I did it." You shrugged with a smile. "Yeah, so you can do the case thing..." Lucio said with a pout. "And, I guess your pretty good company, even if you are annoying." You teased, Lucio chuckled, "Aha! So you do find me charming! Admit it you've fallen for me!" Lucio exclaimed, "in your dreams Casanova!" You retorted. Lucio just laughed at the whole conversation.

"I'm glad you helped me too." He hummed happily.

#count lucio x reader #ghostlucio #human lucio #angst to fluff #lucio and asra fighting #thearcana #the arcana mystic romance #the arcana lucio #the arcana asra #the arcana nadia #the arcana #the arcana game

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saeyoungs-sunflower · 4 years

Text

To Weather a Storm (Saeyoung x MC)

Oh, Saeyoung. How I have missed you.

Summary: It’s easier to hide from the storm, but do you really want to waste away under your shelter, having never danced in the rain?

Warnings:

Some violence, blood and brief mention of torture.

General angst (with a happy ending)

Songs:

I Dreamed a Dream - Les Miserables

Already Gone - Sleeping at Last

After the Storm - Mumford and Sons

Come What May - Moulin Rouge

Fic and notes under the cut.

A/N: Okay, I know I tend to ramble at the beginning of a fic but I feel like these need to be said, for my sake. You’re more than welcome to ignore this, but I gotta get these off my chest. This fic includes and was based on a poem I wrote a little while ago, which I know sounds horribly pretentious and pompous, but I had the idea for this fic weeks after I wrote it and it didn’t seem complete unless I included it. In addition, because it was written before the fic, it is personal and I feel very vulnerable posting it here, but once again I felt like it made the fic whole. I’m also anonymous on here so really, how vulnerable can I be? I am no poet, I am aware of that, but I am someone with a lot of emotions and a desire to express them. The poem essentially comes in two parts, the second part being written when I was having a better day. It may not seem that deep, and it probably isn’t, but it holds weight for me. That being said, here is some Saeyoung x MC, and I suppose, a little bit about myself. I hope you enjoy :)

“Why do you resist the calm?” they had asked.

Because calm comes with the promise of a

storm,

And the sting is much less felt from a fall

Out of an angel’s grip

Than a fall from their grace.

“Then why do you resist the storm?”

Because now, I have all the more to lose.

——

“But then answer me this,” they persevered,

“Would you not favour risking the fierce strike,

To feel the heavens kiss your skin

And witness the electric sky,

Than to waste away within your borders,

Having never learnt to dance in the rain?”

He was killing himself.

Eighteen years old. At this rate he wouldn’t live to see nineteen, inching closer to death’s cold embrace with every sleepless night and every meal skipped. Even off hours he was working, his fingers trembling as they danced across the keys for hours, days on end. He just needed to prove he was the best. He needed them to trust him.

Saeyoung was still technically in training, despite the fact that he was likely the most skilled hacker in the agency, let alone amongst the recruits. The agency were thrilled by his skills and work ethic, which was exactly what he needed.

He needed them to trust him to the point where they were dependent on him. If they needed him, then he would remain in the agency for as long as he lived, and therefore his other half was safe for that same length of time.

Whilst the agency didn’t care for their agents’ wellbeing in the slightest, they cared about losing something valuable to them. And, in this case, it was 707.

“They sent me to tell you to go the hell to bed,” came a voice from behind him.

He kept his eyes glued to the screen, “Then tell them to fuck off.”

“So you have a death wish?”

“You don’t?”

With a weary sigh, you sat at the computer next to him and he finally looked at you, his eyes bloodshot and his face devoid of any colour. Or life, for that matter. You looked him dead in the eye, “I get what you’re doing, but you’re not going to be any help if you’re a corpse.”

“I don’t care. That’s the boss’ problem, not mine.”

“I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about the person you’re protecting.”

His eyes shot to yours in panic, and you laughed despite yourself, “People don’t come here for a holiday, you idiot. Everyone who’s here is here for a reason, and we all know it’s the same reason.” You were the exception to that rule, but that wasn’t necessary for him to know.

He reclined in his chair and shut his eyes for what felt like the first time in days. Maybe it was.

You placed your hand on top of his, the action startling him a little, making you chuckle, “Listen, you don’t have to do all this. You’re better at this than all of us combined, the boss adores you. You have nothing to worry about, okay?” the soft smile that graced your features was enough to make Saeyoung feel more at ease. You were too kind. You didn’t belong there.

Your eyes flickered towards his computer screen and you sighed again, “I’m going to get you some water and some food whilst you finish up, but then you are getting some sleep.”

Saeyoung watched you as you left, and wondered how such a warm soul had found themselves in such an icy place. You were taking a huge risk by caring for him, and yet you did it without hesitation nor complaint. He couldn’t tell if that was down to altruism or naivety. He suspected it was both.

After you returned, he ate and drank as you took over his work, finishing the last bit of coding before shutting down the computer. He was surprised by your effortless ability to continue from where he left off, but was even more surprised by your willingness to do so. You stood up once you both finished and held out your hand for him, which he took, letting you hoist him to his feet as he discovered he was too weak stand on his own. With one arm around you for support, you led him back to the room.

Every recruit slept on the floor in the same damp room, and with your designated space being directly next to Saeyoung’s, you got to know one another. Not much, not at all, but a little goes a long way in such wretched circumstances.

You learnt that his mouth twitched when he had a nightmare, so you always woke up when it did so. He learnt that you subconsciously twiddled your thumbs when you couldn’t sleep, so he’d watch over you until you went still and your breath evened. Little by little, you learnt to look out for each other. You were in it together and, at least for a while, that was enough.

Usually, forming relationships of any kind within the agency was forbidden, but since he was the boss’ golden boy, he could get away with anything he damn well pleased. Not you, though. And whilst you were kind, you were no doormat.

The next morning, during working hours, you kicked up a fuss (rightfully so, Saeyoung thought) about a guard whose hands were wondering in a place they had no business being. The agency were not impressed by your reaction. They didn’t like your stubbornness or your strong will. They didn’t like your self-awareness.

You were taken away, and Saeyoung didn’t see you again until you came to bed long after the sun had set. You were practically chucked into the room, your crumpled form a heap on the hard floor, the cold biting at your bare skin.

Saeyoung struggled to see you in the darkness, but he could just about identify your silhouette as you heaved yourself up, dragging your weight towards your space. As you got closer, he could start to see the glisten from the tears that coated your face, trickling over bruised and slashed flesh. When you laid down, he carefully moved his hand to envelope yours, stroking the back of it with his thumb - a silent message carrying all that your feeble heart needed to hear. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m here. It’s not happening anymore. I’m not going anywhere.

You’re not alone.

His warm breath tickled your face, and you knew that if you edged forward, your forehead would meet his. With a moment’s hesitation, you did so, and that was where you remained until morning, desperately clutching on to the only sign of humanity that could be seen for miles, and the only man to touch you without teeth bared.

From then, you slept every night like that, inching closer and closer until finally his lips hesitantly grazed against your own. Tentative fingertips roamed over pebbled skin, and with a hand cradling your neck and a stroke of his tongue against your bottom lip, you welcomed him to take you completely with his illicit kiss. A reckless attempt to feel something, anything other than pure agony.

You were only children. Naive, daring, broken children who had never known love of any kind, but were somehow able to offer it.

You wished it could still be enough, that your quiet entanglement could be your one reason to hold on. But the tightrope you walked on became more turbulent everyday.

It was an enormous risk, but a risk you would take.

The guards became more hostile towards you after your incident, and their tolerance had reached an all time low. You were reported more often and your punishments became more brutal. You realised then that Hell wasn’t a place, it was a snap of a belt and a knick of a knife, a knee to the gut. You needed to escape.

A month after this began, you sent him a message. He was a good enough hacker that he was able to set up a chatroom that only you two could access, and that wouldn’t be detected by those higher up. It was your only safe haven, a trench on a battlefield. But burying yourself away from the action didn’t mean the war had ended.

606: I’m getting out of here.

707: there’s only one way out, and you what that is

606: That’s only if I don’t run fast enough.

707: they’ll kill you

606: Then so be it.

707: i’m not going to let that happen

606: It’s not your problem.

707: it is if it’s you.

606: You don’t even know me.

707: i know enough

606: I’m sorry

That night, you didn’t come back to your bed, and there was no sign of you other than the chilling echo of a gunshot that resonated through the building. Saeyoung crushed his eyelids shut, yet the tears still flowed as his teeth dug into his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, the bitter mix of salt and iron consuming his taste buds.

A rumour got around that you had tried to run and were shot on sight. You were used as a cautionary tale for new recruits. Apparently they had the CCTV footage. Apparently they showed them the pictures. Saeyoung wouldn’t know, he stopped listening.

From that day forward, he put his headphones on and worked. He worked until his fingers bled and blistered, reminding himself everyday of why he couldn't rock the boat unless he could see the shore, especially in such turbulent waters. You took that chance, and you couldn’t even swim.

Saeyoung found your name two days after you disappeared.

MC.

A picture of you from your life before also came up in his search, and he threw up in the bathroom as the image of you smiling slowly morphed into that of your limp and bloodied body, eyes wide open as they pierced into his own, haunting him. One day he would avenge you, and one day, in another life, he would see your smile again.

But today, he had to work.

“Why do you resist the calm?” they would ask.

Because calm comes with the promise of the

storm,

And the sting is much less felt from a fall

out of an angel’s grip

Than a fall from their grace.

***

“707! On your right!”

Swivelling around, Saeyoung deftly aimed his gun at the guard approaching, landing a perfect shot between the eyes. His aim was so accurate, in fact, that he landed it with his own eyes closed. He never looked, he could never stomach it. “Vanderwood, you keep a look out. I’m going to scope out the place.”

“Roger that.”

Missions were the most onerous part of the job for Saeyoung. With every bullet and every crimson stain on another body, he felt a piece of whatever innocence he had disappear. Scar tissue was harder than skin, and at that point, he felt he had no softness left.

This mission, however, was particularly demanding. The opposing side outnumbered Vanderwood and himself by a long shot, but they somehow managed to hold their own. They were both convinced they had taken down everyone in the building, so he was caught off guard when he entered what he thought was an empty room, only to find himself face-to-face, or gun-to-gun with someone who should have been dead hours ago.

Or, upon inspection, years ago.

“...MC?”

He lowered his gun but you kept your hold strong, eyes never wavering from his. His mouth was agape as he took in the sight before him. Your hair had grown, you were thinner, and he could have sworn your eyes had lost their colour.

But God, there was still something so ineffably beautiful about you. That much hadn’t changed.

Saeyoung had dropped the gun completely, the clash of metal against metal pervading the room, “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask the same of you.”

“Yeah? Well I believed you to be dead for years now so I think my question is a tad fucking more valid.”

For a split second, he swore he saw your lips quiver before you pressed them into a thin line, “You were always a better hacker, 707, but I was a better frontliner. I got away with merely a bullet to the arm. But as they say, birds of a feather flock together, and it wasn’t long until I was found and recruited by someone else. Fate never favoured me, clearly.”

You held your aim, but he noticed your eyes go glassy and your knees almost buckle under your weight, and only then did he register the wound on your thigh and the ominous maroon pool on the floor next to you. His heart rate shot up, “MC…I need you to lower the gun.”

“How the fuck do you know my name?”

“That’s not important, what matters is that you’re gonna bleed out if we don’t do something about that wound right now.”

“Then I guess we’ll bleed out together,” you said, your voice strangled but your aim never faltering.

“You don’t really want that though, do you?” Saeyoung said quietly, his arms up as he creeped towards you until there was no empty space between you and him, only the barrel of your gun. Carefully, he took hold of it and tugged it out of you grasp, an arm around your waist as he lowered your collapsing form onto the floor.

The colour left your face as beads of sweat started to trickle across your features. Saeyoung took out a bandage from his utility belt and started to wrap up the wound. It would need to be treated properly, but it was enough to get you out of there.

You watched him intently as he attended to you, the same crease forming between his eyebrows from when he worked. It was strange the things you remember about another person. Only then did you realise just how much you had longed for him in the years gone by, and hot tears spilled from your eyes before you had time to register them.

His attention immediately averted to your face, cradling it with both hands as he brushed away your tears with the pad of his thumb, “Hey hey hey, you’re okay. We’re gonna get you out of here, I’m not leaving you.”

“What’s the point? I won’t last a month out there on my own.”

“You’re not going to be on your own. Like I said, I’m not leaving you. You don’t belong in a place like this, and soon you won’t have to,” he rested his forehead on yours, just like you used to, “I need you to trust me.”

“I’d be a burden.”

“You would never. Not to me.”

You eyed him carefully, trying to find any mark of dishonesty on his face, but all you saw was heartache. “Your name,” you croaked, your bones growing heavier with every passing second, “I need to know your name.”

“Saeyoung,” he answered coolly, “Saeyoung Choi.”

He tucked one arm under your knees and the other under your middle as he stood up, effortlessly manoeuvring through the building as he carried you. Vanderwood was waiting outside, exasperation etched on his face as he took in the sight of you both, “Seriously? What the hell is this?”

“No questions, Vanderwood. Just drive,” he ordered as he glided into the backseat with you still in his arms. Setting you down carefully, he checked your injury before taking out his phone and calling the top name on his short list of contacts, “Jumin, it’s me. I need a favour.”

The drive was quiet, but it wasn’t long until your leg was being treated privately in the penthouse of none other than the director of C&R International, Jumin Han. You recognised him from the news, and his association with Saeyoung only raised more questions about his life after you left.

Once the doctor and Jumin Han left, Saeyoung moved to perch on the edge of your bed, gently rubbing your knee, “How’re you feeling?”

“Better…thank you. But, I still don’t know what you expect me to do now. I can’t stay here forever.”

“I have made some arrangements,” he explained, inching closer to you, “You can now go by your real name, and you will become a part of a charity organisation called the RFA, taking the role of ‘party coordinator’. Myself and Jumin are also members and we, as well as the others, will protect you. We have an apartment for you, and you will be safe there. You can start afresh.”

Your eyes widened, sceptical that fate had had such a quick change of heart, “What about the agency? And everyone else who wants me dead?”

“I��m dealing with it.”

“I can’t let you to do that.”

“It’s not your choice.”

You both sat in a heavy silence for what felt like an eternity. Eventually you moved over, inviting him to take the space next to you. He did so, sliding up until you were lying face-to-face with the man that you thought had slipped out of your grasp. Surely it was all too good to be true.

“There’s one catch though.”

And there it was. Too good indeed.

You cocked an eyebrow, and he continued, “If this is to work, we need to keep our distance. You can’t be close to me when I’m still an agent, it’s too risky. After tonight, I’m your colleague at the RFA and nothing more,” you opened your mouth to object, but he cut you off before you had the opportunity, “No, this is non-negotiable. It’s too dangerous and I’m not taking any chances,” he paused, his next words almost a whisper, “I’m not losing you twice.”

Something in your chest ached, but you understood. You had to. As long as he was an agent and was working to erase your soiled past, getting close to him would be too dangerous for the both of you. He was essentially betraying his agency, and if they found out, even he couldn’t get away with it. This was the only way.

So for one last time you grabbed his hand, holding it close to your chest as you closed your eyes. He pressed a kiss against your forehead before placing his own there, in same position as when you were young, but now your minds a little wiser and your hearts a little more bruised. You prayed that you could stay like that forever, that the sun would never rise and you would never have to let go.

But morning was inevitable, and with the first rays of sunshine that filtered through the curtains, Saeyoung untangled himself from you and drove himself back to his bunker, refusing to grant himself the luxury of looking back.

Headphones back over his ears and a soda in hand, he began to work, taking himself back to the quiet agony he resided in, his hiding place from the devil that knocked on his door.

“Then why do you resist the storm?”

Because now, I have all the more to lose.

***

Your legs were dangling over the clifftop as you overlooked the city in the distance. You observed as more building lights flickered off the longer you sat. You wondered whether all the lights would disappear if you waited there long enough, leaving you completely alone on the outskirts of the city you built your new life on.

But either way, you would never truly be alone, would you?

“You know, for a trained agent, you’re not very stealthy,” you said smoothly.

“Like you said, you were far better on the frontline than I was,” Saeyoung replied, “Besides, it was intentional. I thought I shouldn’t startle you when you’re so close to the edge.”

You smirked and gave a hollow laugh, “Literally or figuratively?”

“I don’t know, MC,” he said softly, sitting down next to you, “You tell me.”

It had been a little over a year since you started your new life, and you found it crazy how much had gone down in such a short amount of time. After everything that happened with the Mint Eye, you couldn’t believe that everyone returned alive. And better yet, Saeyoung returned with his brother, meaning he no longer relied on the agency, so he managed to worm his way out of their fierce grip. He became boundless, and so did you. Things were looking up, things we’re finally changing.

But still, nothing had changed between you two.

You rested your head on his shoulder, both of you looking out onto the city until he finally broke the dense silence, “What are you thinking about?”

You took a deep breath, “I don’t think I was meant to live this long,” you began, “I should have been shot that night I ran, or bled to death the day our base was infiltrated. Hell, I should have died in that alleyway before they took me away.” That last part was new information to Saeyoung. He never knew that’s how you were recruited, and he suddenly felt his blood begin to boil. He tensed, trying to conceal his anger. “Yet, somehow, the universe kept me living and as well as that, kept bringing you to me. Like a guardian angel, I suppose. But life’s never really that generous is it? Because every time you came back, I could only get so close. You were just a trick of light,” your voice cracked at the same time his heart did, and he laid his head upon yours, “You’re free now, Saeyoung. When are you going to stop shutting me out?”

He sighed, “There are people out there who hate me, MC, and want more than just me dead. Escaping the agency hasn’t changed that, it has left us in the same place as before. The closer you are to me, the less safe you are.”

“I don’t want safety, Saeyoung. I want you,” you turned to face him, but he was already standing up and walking away, hands shoved in his pockets. “So now I can’t even talk to you?” you yelled after him, getting up from your own seat on the ground.

“I already know what you are going to say. I’ve told you so many times before-“

“Yes, and I listened, now it’s your turn. I’m sick of both of us taking away the other’s right to choose. We’re going to decide our future together, right now, and in order to do that we need to listen to each other.”

He watched you silently for a moment, but you continued, attempting to swallow down the lump in your throat, “I used to dream of a life that was simple, plain sailing. A life where pain was a myth and everything was nothing short of a fairy tale. Every night I dreamed of that life, and every night I prayed for morning to never come so I could stay in that dream forever, because it was easier to hide there than to scrape through a day in the hell that was my reality. And then there was you, and you were kind and you cared for me when I thought I deserved nothing, that I was nothing. I realised then that I didn’t want to live in that dream anymore, you know why? Because you weren’t in it. Because I knew that being in love with you wouldn’t be easy-“

“Don’t throw that word around so carelessly.”

“Carelessly? When I ran away and heard that gunshot, the first image that came to my mind was you. Does that mean nothing to you? I’m about to die and I don’t feel fear, just a stabbing regret that I left behind the one thing that finally made me grateful for every sunrise,” you sobbed, tears now streaming down your face, “Saeyoung, if you tell me to stop, I’ll stop. If you don’t feel the same way, I will leave you alone. But if you tell me that you want me too, then how can you expect me to just walk away from you?”

“You could die.”

“I could not.”

“I’m not willing to take that risk.”

“But what if I am?” you cried, your body trembling, “What if I want to die having loved you rather than die having never known what it was like to do so?”

“It would be like loving a monster, because that’s what I am.”

“Not to me. Not ever.”

Saeyoung couldn’t take his eyes off you, his clenched fists shaking by his side and his mind reeling. His heart was screaming at him to go to you, to hold you in his arms and tell you that he fell in love with you in a place where love didn’t even exist. That he has loved you since you were young and broken, and loved you more with every day that you grew older together. But his brain ordered him to hold back, and so he did. His head would always have power over his heart, that was his rule.

The soft peal of thunder could be heard in the distance as rain started to shower, quickly soaking your hair and clothes. Saeyoung looked at you with pleading eyes, “Get in the car, MC, I’m taking you home. You’ll get sick if we stay out here.”

“You said before that you wouldn’t lose me twice,” you continued, ignoring his request, “but you lost me for the second time when you told me to keep my distance. I know you said it to protect me and I appreciate that, I really do, but you no longer get to decide that kind of thing on my behalf,” you stepped towards him until your faces were a breath away from each other, “I want you in my life, Saeyoung, and everything that comes with you. Please, you’ve been through enough tragedy and heartache, stop depriving yourself of what your heart yearns for. It’s a fleeting little life, take a risk and live it.”

Saeyoung’s heart was pounding so hard against his ribcage that he thought it would crack. He studied how your eyelashes glistened from the raindrops, before they slid down your cheek and rested at the point of your chin. He no longer knew where the raindrops ended and the tears began, but he did know that he couldn't hold back anymore. For once, he would let his heart take the wheel.

He tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear before he held your face in the calloused palm of his hand, tilting it up until your lips met. He revelled in the way your lips moved against his, the same way they did when you were kids. He knew your kiss better than the back of his hand, and he wanted to kick himself for keeping you at arms length when you belonged in their embrace. Saeyoung could finally understand what you meant, because he would happily drown in your kiss if it meant he could feel the way he did in that moment for the rest of his life.

Every nerve in his body lit up as he deepened the kiss, fire dancing through his veins as you wrapped your arms around his neck, hands running through his hair. With a moment of boldness, he moved his hands to sit on your waist as he pulled your closer to him, your bodies flush against each other.

When you both broke away to breathe, he tucked his face into your neck, his eyelashes tickling against your skin as his eyes fluttered shut. He didn’t particularly believe in destiny, but having you in his arms made him entertain the idea. He would no longer deprive you of the love you deserved, nor would he deprive himself of the love he desired.

There was a lot of healing to do, and it would take time, you both knew that. Trust doesn’t come naturally to those born in a storm. But you can’t soothe the storm, nor can you live in the calm before it, you can only weather it. And if you were by his side, then what was a little bit of thunder?

You both stood there in each other’s embrace, completely sodden but passed the point of caring. You wanted to savour that moment, because that was the first time in both your lives where you felt completely at ease in your bliss; and when it rains, it pours.

“But then answer me this,” they persevered,

“Would you not favour risking the fierce strike,

To feel the heavens kiss your skin

And witness the electric sky,

Than to waste away within your borders

Having never learnt to dance in the rain?”

***

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger fanfiction #mysme #saeyoung x mc #luciel x mc #seven x mc #707 x mc #saeyoung choi #luciel choi #mm seven #mm 707 #my writing

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lorei-writes · 4 years

Text

Fairy Tales for Bedtime

Connected Souls

Kenshin x MC Fantasy AU (Fairy Tale-ish) Choose Your Own Ending*

Hello friends, I think I will be rather busy this week... But, I managed to write this story, even if it was a bit more rough than it usually is ^^” I hope you like it :D

Content Warnings: none; possessiveness for one of the endings (Nightmares)

*- Fluff or Angst

What set them aside were their dreams. Whether the thing that connected them was magic or some sort of physical web was uncertain. Many theories were forged to explain the phenomenon, none gaining more recognition than the other. Perhaps it was to remain a mystery forevermore? Regardless, the truth stayed the same: their souls were grouped into pairs, the first – and every following – dream after the birth of one's soulmate showing their silhouette at the distance that separated them from each other.

Far, far away, in a land behind two mountains and three seas, there lived peculiar kind of humans. It was not in their appearance nor the language they spoke, both being nothing unexpected for the region of their origin. Their cities emerged, grew and developed as those of any other nation, blooming by rivers and lakes, building ports by the ocean, feeding off of meat and entirety of gifts of nature. What set them aside were their dreams.

Whether the thing that connected them was magic or some sort of physical web was uncertain. Many theories were forged to explain the phenomenon, none gaining more recognition than the other. Perhaps it was to remain a mystery forevermore? Regardless, the truth stayed the same: their souls were grouped into pairs, the first – and every following – dream after the birth of one's soulmate showing their silhouette at the distance that separated them from each other. As such, people dreamt – and they waited, hoping for eternal happiness to reveal itself to them.

It was said that, at creation, a human was split in two, and only through finding their other half one could become whole again. Some would travel the land, searching for this particular person – some would wait in despair, never once getting the dream they so desired. She, however, was neither of the two, instead waiting patiently for the day to come, the person that was meant to be her salvation always appearing to be within the limits of her city. If it indeed was fate, they were meant to meet one day, weren't they?

She worked at her parents' bakery, living with them in the tiny loft above their business. Their days used to be peaceful, filled with simple labour, but also some sort of warm contentment and appreciation. Their shop becoming increasingly less busy, they struggled to make the ends meet. They thought their situation over and over again, finally coming up to a conclusion: they needed to change. As such, they cleared out two rooms and put beds in them, setting them aside to be rented to travellers passing through the city. Only one room remained for their family to live in – and yet, it was a happy life, her parents loving each other and her so very much. She was their only child, after all.

Her days used to be pleasant in their monotony: she would wake up before the sun rose, go downstairs, prepare the dough and return to her bed while it rested. She'd get up after her roughly three hour nap, her father and mother already having started to prepare pastries to be sold on that particular day, their bickering seemingly only ever stopping when they had to put goods in the oven to bake. If no particular orders were placed beforehand, she'd go to the front of the shop and sweep the floors once more before opening it, only then taking her spot in front of the counter. She'd daydream whenever she could, thinking of the person that was supposed to be her soulmate. Had they visited the bakery by any chance? Had she seen them? Had they spoken?

Would it even happen any day?

She couldn’t think of the future anymore, matters of finance trapping her in the present time. At first, she was not concerned – worse periods could happen to any place, she reasoned with herself. Prices did grow occasionally, less people travelled in certain years, people did have to adapt.

Yet, if all of that was true, why did it become so impossibly hard to get up in the morning?

She didn’t have to wake up early to prepare the dough – her father did, no cakes he’d usually make being sold anymore. She’d lay in bed as he exited the room, watching carefully her mother’s reaction.

They were happy, weren’t they?

She’d still take her post behind the counter, even if hardly anybody came around. She could take silence while being alone... Only when being alone. At least she had time to think.

Why didn’t she know what to do?

A tiny bell hung above the door frame rang, the sound initially not registering in her mind. She blinked away the confusion, a practised smile lighting up her face. “ Welcome!” she exclaimed, the man grunting something in reply. He walked over to where they would once display their cakes, seemingly absent-mindedly staring onto the empty counter. “ Excuse me? Sir?” she asked politely, looking over her shoulder to check whether she could count on help in case anything happened. “ Four bread rolls,” he spoke immediately, seemingly coming back to reality. He turned his head to look at her. As if he guessed her thoughts, he added: “ I have money to pay. Don’t worry.”

Coins hit the counter, the man taking his purchase with him to the back of the room. Turned upside-down chairs resting on top of few remaining tables, he lifted one of them up and put it on the floor, soon taking seat in it and beginning to unravel various bundles with food hidden inside. “ Sir...” she started, unsure as to what she should say. He wasn’t technically doing anything wrong. “ Please, miss, “ he replied instantly, the knife in his hand having stopped. “ There is no other place to eat in quiet in this city. Please.” What could she say? She only nodded.

The man came again the following day – and the day after that, and on one after this one as well, repeated over and over again until weeks since him first appearing there began to stretch into months. She watched him, never daring to do anything else, even if it felt awkward at times. Yet, it was enough to satisfy her curiosity, at least for the time being. Without realising it, she began to daydream again, thinking up stories of who he could be. Was he a nobleman? He certainly could be one, if she had to base her judgement on looks alone. She watched him cut bread into slices, always scolding herself for even wondering how could somebody be so graceful while doing something so simple, so ordinary and grey.

Yet, her curiosity only expanded. Seeing that hardly anybody came around just either way, she walked over from behind the counter. The small wooden doors closing behind her, she set two cups down in front of him, taking the other seat. “ Hmm?” he hummed, his brows knitting in confusion mixed with discontentment. “ You always drink from the flask… So I thought you wouldn’t mind using a cup and if you are already doing that, you may just as well share.” “ And why would I do that?” “ Because the next one is on me.” He obliged.

His name was Kenshin, as she learnt. That day, they talked a bit, the man appearing to be in a hurry. She was almost certain she scared him away, that he wouldn’t come ever again… And yet, he did, and she sat with him. They soon began to eat meals together, so many views they shared during them aligning perfectly.

However, there was something more important: he matched her dreams so, so well. Apparently, he had moved roughly around the time she saw the silhouette get closer to her, and was now living three streets away – and although she couldn’t see it quite clearly just yet, she was sure he was the one for her. More time flew by, butterflies rising inside of her stomach. The door to the bakery closed behind them, night streets glowing. Hand in hand, they strolled down the city alleys, searching for stars painted over the sky above them.

Thick coat of darkness enveloped the park. Alike to little children, they sneaked inside of it, his fingers tightening around hers as he put his other hand on the hilt of the sword at his hip. So happy she wasn’t thinking straight, she let him lead her, thoughts of her parents being worried about her having evaporated from her mind long ago. They sat under a tree, hidden from all curious eyes – and, ironically, their own as well. Trying to rid himself of the uneasiness, Kenshin spoke first: “ I have something to tell you.” “ I’m listening then.” “ I think you might be my soulmate,” he uttered, his hand moving to caress her cheek. “ I think it’s you I’ve seen in my dreams.” “ Let’s check,” she replied, unable to hold back the excitement.

His back resting against the tree trunk, he reached towards in an invitation. Nestled against his side, she closed her eyes, breathing in his scent as to calm herself.

Dreams

She finally fell asleep. Expecting nothing more than confirmation, she looked around, the dream beginning to form – and yet, it was not what she could ever expect.

Somewhere off, far in the distance, possibly further away than her home, even if just a little more, she saw a man. Had he left her? No, impossible, too little time had passed for him to walk up to there. She blinked – but how? She was so sure. They spoke for months, they understood each other so well. How was he not her other half?

Worse: whose half was he? Who could he belong to if not her?

Who could understand him better than her?

Jealously beginning to build up in her, she closed her eyes inside of the nightmarish vision, refusing to believe it.

Could she be happy with her soulmate if it wasn’t Kenshin? Could she be happy with Kenshin if he wasn’t her soulmate?

Would he even want to try?

She snapped out of her sleep, sitting straight abruptly as she sit up. Scared, she looked around, few lights of the dawn slowly diminishing the darkness. Her eyes having found his face, so ridden with regret and conflicted, the words got stuck in her throat.

No.

“ I’m sorry…” he spoke, his gaze drifting away. “ It seems we were mistaken. I didn’t mean to put you in this situation.” Was he saying what he was thinking? Was he forcing out the words he should be saying? “ No, I...” she tried, too stunned to form a coherent thought. “ I think we should go. I’ll walk you ho...” he stopped, her hand catching his and pulling him back down. “ Do you really mean all of this?” she cut him off. “ Do you really mean all of this and agree with the consequences?” He didn’t reply. “ Answer me, Kenshin.” Silence. “ Kenshin. Tell me what you really think.” His elbow propped on his knee, he hid his face inside of his free palm, his fingers tightening around hers once more. “ I can’t let it out.” “ Why?” she pushed him further. “ Because I may not be able to control it.” She got closer to him, staring at him intensely. “ Then don’t. Tell me, Kenshin.”

He did, his lips closing around hers in a kiss. Her hands digging into the fabric of his shirt, she pulled him closer, her body pressing against his. If words weren’t an option, she’d let him know a different way – thorough action, through holding him, through not running away. Their lungs beginning to beg for air, they pulled back. “ I don’t care about you not being my soulmate.” “ Being with them would make you...” “ Shh,” she pressed a finger to his lips, silencing him. “ I don’t want anybody else. I can make myself whole by myself. I’m not a part of anybody else, I’m me and only me – and with you, we can be two separate souls put together by choice. I don’t want it any other way.” She saw something glisten within his eyes – a ripple over the surface of the ocean, wind playing over the grassland? She couldn’t quite tell, his eyelids closing too fast for her to think of it longer. His arms reached to hug her, pulling her into his lap in one swift motion. Kenshin embraced her, hiding his head in the crook of her neck. His grip getting stronger and lighter in consecutive waves, she stroked his hair gently, humming into his ear. “ Yes,” he uttered finally.

She knew he was broken – and yet, she couldn’t dream of anything else.

Nightmare

It wasn’t Kenshin.

It was not Kenshin.

Whoever she saw, they were too far away – and yet, having just woken up, she wasn’t quite sure as to what she should say. He wasn’t either, looking all so lost, so full of conflict and regret.

She said yes, they could try. But how was she supposed to forget?

Kenshin wasn’t hers. He couldn’t make her whole again. Yet, she smiled, she continued to share her meals with him, to laugh and talk of the future, just like they did before the night that day. Perhaps she could make it work for her.

Was he searching for his soulmate? Did he really want her? How could he?

Did she want him?

No, no, no, it was all wrong to even begin to think in that way. However, she couldn’t stop it either – she embraced it, letting speculations swallow her.

Who was that woman he was looking at? That man? Was it them? He was hers! Kenshin was hers! Was he… Was he having second thoughts? Was he unsure of her? Was he...Missing something? Of course he was, he must have been, he must have missed all the things she didn’t have!

He must have searched for the other part of his soul. What else could he do? She was lacking! She was not enough! She could never be enough! If only she could, she’d cage him, her beautiful little bird…

No, no, no, it was all wrong to even begin to think that way!

She must have been searching for excuses, there was no other explanation – it was never him, it was her! He didn’t deserve somebody like her! And she… She wanted to be made whole. She waned for somebody to complete her, she wanted somebody she could complete! Yes! They were just not matched well!

But why did she want to keep him away from anybody else?

Why was Kenshin looking so suspiciously at her?

She did not have a cage. Not yet, at the very least.

Tag list: @datenoriko, @nad-zeta, @tsubaki3192, @jiyuu-chan, @missjudge-me, @ikemencrossedmyth, @plumpblueberry, @i-sleep-like-napoleon, @nimeryaa, @nuttytani, @thesirenwashere, @milas-imaginarium, @kisara-16, @yukas-clover, @alerialumina , @cheese-ception If you want to be tagged under my future works, let me know (any way works)! ^^ Also, if you have some preferences (for example: you’d rather not be tagged under some series, etc.), please, tell me. If you don’t want to be tagged anymore - please, do not feel bad about it, just say so :)

#kenshin useugi #ikesen kenshin #ikemen sengoku kenshin #ikesen #ikemen sengoku #ikemen series #my ff #my writing

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shannie-writes · 4 years

Text

Don’t Forget Me

Word Count: 1739 Genre: Angst, Fluff Pairing(s): Asmodeus/MC Warning(s): N/A Prompt: Asmo has amnesia and MC is taking care of them. MC tries their best to help Asmo remember them. A/N: This is a semi-sweet ending for Remember Me, because I can’t let angst end without a happy ending. I haven’t read anything in the game for a couple months, so please forgive any OOC characterizations!

She knew she was avoiding him. At the same time, it wasn’t hard to do. Ever since that night in Asmo’s room when he had kissed her in a failed attempt to regain his memories of them together, he wasn’t at home much. She didn’t blame him but it didn’t make it any easier when she scrolled through his Devilgram feed at night. Series of photos of him club hopping with friends came in a stream. Him, sidled up with other demons, drinks in hand, his face ever beautiful in each one no matter the lighting. She tried not to be jealous but she couldn't stop her longing or her worry for him. She knew him well enough that his behavior was a warning sign of his mental state.

"You're up late."

She quickly closed her phone and held it against the cast on her left forearm in her lap. She blushed at how obvious she was as she looked at her phone where anyone could see what she was doing, her back to the kitchen entrance where she sat at the table. Beel said nothing more as he dug into the fridge for a midnight snack.

"Couldn't sleep," she replied to his silent question.

Glass clinked as Beel rifled through the fridge door for a particular sauce. She decided to make herself scarce and stood. She had nearly left when he called out to her gently.

"Hey...when are you going to talk to him?"

She paused, allowing the tremble in her heart to cease from the pluck Beel had given it. She could feel his stare as he watched her. Without answering, for she truly had no answer to give, she hastily walked back to her room next door, running away from yet another problem.

It wasn't long after that night that Lucifer called her to meet him in his office. As soon as she entered, she sensed from the vibe in the air that he hadn't called her to report on her studies. He told her to sit, so she did so, making herself comfortable and waited for him to speak first.

"Asmodeus hasn't been home in two days."

The aching beast of worry that had settled in the back of her head rose to nip at her yet again. "This doesn't concern me, Lucifer."

He said nothing, continuing to write on the paper in front of him. The scratch of quill was the only sound between them as the seconds stretched into minutes. He signed the bottom of the page and set it aside to dry. He looked up at her then, his eyes dark and as sharp as she had ever seen them.

"Do you not want him to remember?"

The nips turned to bites. "I never said I wanted--"

"What are you afraid of?"

Her mouth snapped shut and she resisted the tears that welled in her eyes. He waited for her, his own eyes narrowing. She had never been one to express herself easily, but she knew he could read her thoughts as though the words etched themselves on her skin, brought to the surface by his very curiosity.

"What are you afraid of?"

She blinked back her tears to answer his repeated question. "Maybe...maybe it's for the better, y'know?"

"Explain further."

She dropped her gaze to her lap and fiddled with the edge of her cast by her palm. "Lucifer, I'm only a human," she muttered.

Lucifer was silent. Too silent. As the empty room rang loud in her ears, she looked back up to find his wings twitching and horns standing stark in the late daylight. This wasn’t the first time she had seen Lucifer shift into his demonic form when he was particularly peeved and her heart raced as she watched him compose himself, a finger and thumb pinched over the arch of his nose. As he shifted back and his wings and horns were once again hidden away, he opened his bright red eyes to meet hers, attempting to hide his agitation.

“Do you think we consider you ‘only a human,’” he spoke between clenched teeth. “Do you think Asmodeus thought that of you?”

“N-No.”

“Again.”

“No!”

She could no longer hold back her tears as they fell hot down her cheeks. They dripped from her chin to her hand on her lap and she quickly lifted her fingers to wipe them away with a sniff.

“You are far more precious than that.”

Lucifer’s phone beeped as a notification came through and he picked it up to read the preview. His prickly aura settled and she could have sworn he almost smiled.

“I need you to do me a favor.”

She sniffed one last time and nodded her head in acceptance.

“I need you to take this grimm and go get some ice cream from Basket Robbers.”

“Wh...what?”

He set a few coins on the edge of his desk closest to her. “Go to the one by the shopping center. Pick up a bucket for Beel while you’re there. Be quick, it’s hot outside.”

Confused, she obeyed his instruction. Taking the money and giving him a hesitant goodbye, she pocketed the coins and made her way out of the house. She took deep breaths of the warm outside air and started to walk. The roads were clear this time of day and the small lights that hung above the streets flicked on as the sky grew darker.

It didn’t take long to realize why he had sent her there. Before she even drew close to the shop, she saw him. He had his back to her where he sat at a patio table, but she would never be able to forget what he looked like from behind. His trim waist, his signature scarf, the way his hair moved in the light breeze.

She stood frozen on the sidewalk, unsure whether to proceed or turn around and go back. It would be easy to run away, to pretend she had never seen him. The hounds of worry nipped at her heels again. Lucifer had given her this task. Not only to get ice cream for herself and Beel, but had given her the opportunity to settle her feelings. To give her one last chance at making up her mind.

Asmo lifted his phone in front of him, posing with a perfect spoonful of ice cream and toppings for a selfie with his dessert. There was something about knowing she was in the background that didn't feel right. He used to pull her into the shot when he saw her, giving her a kiss on the cheek and telling her she looked beautiful. He would even tilt it so that she was occupying more of the frame than him. She had asked him once why he did that and the response was a smile and a tap on her nose, saying that it was so he could have photos of her cute face for the rest of his life.

She felt selfish but she didn’t want him to forget. She wanted him to remember her, remember what they had together. The nights since the accident had been lonely, her arms empty, her pillow damp with tears each morning she woke without him holding her. She had told herself she wouldn’t need it anymore, that she had already received more than enough love from him to last the rest of her life. How cruel she would be if she didn’t at least make an attempt to connect with him again. They could start over, she could be brave enough to earn his love again. If he had seen something in her worth loving before, she was sure he could find it again.

Steeling herself, urged forward by the concern of losing this opportunity, she approached him. He must have sensed her arrival as he turned his head toward her, his eyes widening and his hand holding his spoon dropped it back into the bowl on the table. She didn’t stop as she came around to face him, cupping his face in her hands and leaning over him where he sat.

“I love you Asmodeus,” she said with complete confidence. She met his gaze, not allowing him to say even her name as she barreled forward. “I love you. I love the way you are gentle. I love the way you listen. I love every inch of you. I love the deepest, darkest parts of you. I love--”

She broke off as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his lap and into a kiss. It was tender yet feral, his mouth soft but his teeth rough as he bit at her lip. He tasted of maple syrup and vanilla and it was pleasantly addictive. She moved her hands into his hair to keep him close. Her glasses pressed against his face and she didn’t care if they got makeup on them.

He pulled back, breath ragged and hands stroking over her sides. “Say it again,” he asked sweetly, voice light in her ears. “Tell me again.”

“I love you, Asm--mmm--!”

He hummed in return as he gave her another long kiss, keeping her from going far. A hand slipped under her thigh and he adjusted her to straddle him, putting them in a more comfortable, intimate position. She had nearly forgotten that they were outside on the main street for all eyes to see, but he had always had that effect on her when he touched her like this.

Dragging his lips up her jaw to her ear, he let out a happy noise that had her shuddering in place. “Sweetheart,” he murmured. “I love you, too.”

Clutching at him harder, she sobbed, hoping he wouldn’t mind too much that her snot and tears leaked into his shirt. He nuzzled her cheek fondly.

“What a lucky demon I am to have such a beautiful woman on my lap. Isn't this where I confessed to you for the first time?”

“Y-yes,” she cried.

“I can’t remember all of it...but…” he pulled back, wiping at the tears that gathered under her eyes. “Won’t you help me remember the rest?”

“Yes...yes!”

He stopped her blubbering with his mouth, kissing her softly and helping her lose her breath even further. His ice cream was surely melted by now, but he had someone more important to take care of now.

#obey me #obey me!#asmodeus #obey me asmodeus #obey me shall we date #asmodeus/mc #my writing #amnesia fic #a happy ending to the angst!

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grapenamjams · 4 years

Text

Myrrh

Genre: Angst, maybe some fluff?

Characters: Muriel from the arcana and my apprentice Eliza

A/N: This is my attempt at a reversed ending for Muriel's route, at the time of writing this his endings have not been posted so I made one of my own and i was sad for the whole day :(

a little bit about my MC

Her name is Eliza (she/her. Female.) She is 5′2 has brown wavy hair, brown eyes (with specks of green) she also has adorable freckles across her nose. lastly she has a artic fox, named Nell as a familiar who is enchanted to keep cold during the summer and whenever Nell walks she leaves behind snow prints on the ground (think of what Olaf from frozen has lol)

- The Arcana is a Mobile story game where you get to choose your path and get a ending according to the choices you made. created by nixhyrdra, can be found on the app store-

They had fought with everything they had but it wasn’t enough. How could it had not been enough?, Eliza was so sure that they could beat the devil, but as the chains tighten around her she begins to curse herself for being so naïve, so stupid- No! She couldn’t let those thoughts enter her mind now, there has to be a way out, there...there has to be, she just needs to focus, if she could just muster more energy she could-

“Still trying to fight even when you know you’re beaten? How...pathetically amusing” the devils cold voice washes over her. “You both look like wounded animals that know they are on the brink of death but still fight against their predator, how sad you two look. I thought you both would have the decency to know when to give up.” The devil laughs “but I also thought you two wouldn’t be dumb enough to try to fight me in my own realm! Especially you.” He turns to Eliza who’s on her knees with chains covering her whole body up to her neck. “You knew i would be most powerful here and yet you still came, risking his life in the process” the devil points to Muriel who’s a few feet away from her also wrapped in chains, the devil was right she had known. and yet she brought him here, knowing what the consequences would be. She had done this, it was her fault. anything that happens to him would be her fault.

“You done talking? Your voice Is annoying.” Muriel’s voice comes out as a dark growl making Eliza’s head snap up to him. His teeth are clenched and his eyes set on the devil with a murderous glare. The devil laughs. “So impatient. trust me, I want to get rid of you both as soon as possible. As you know I’m a busy man with a grand plan. But I am also a generous man.” The devil pauses and opens his arms “I’m prepared to offer you a deal my dear Eliza”

“You are crazy if you think I’ll do any sort of deal with you!” Eliza bites out but quickly lets out a gasp as she feels the chains tighten around her. The devil pinches between his eyes “please refrain from interrupting me, I truly do hate it. As I was saying, your magic would be beneficial to me. adds to my power, would make the merging of the realms become reality much sooner than expected.” The devil waves his hand forth lifting Eliza from the ground bringing her to him. So close that Eliza could smell his rotten breath she holds back a gag. “So how about it dear Eliza? Help me make a better world And You and your warrior lover here will be greatly compensated.” Eliza stares at his red eyes. His offer was insane, how could he think that she would ever accept his offer? Unless.. he did know. “NO! TAKE ME.” Eliza’s heart Drops. ‘No.’ She looks at the devil, a sneer growing on his goat face. His eyes flicker to Muriel who’s voice echo's in her head.

Muriel strains against the chains. iron digging into his skin, his stomach churning at the sight of the devil before him holding Eliza beside him. “Ah so the gladiator speaks again. And what’s this? Sacrificing himself to save his magicians life? How pitiful you humans are really, throwing your lives on the line for someone else”

“LET HER GO!” He tries to stand but the chains drag him down again. The devil puts a finger to his chin. “Hmmm now that I think about it I can use this pitiful human action of yours. you could be a very good asset for me.” “NO!” He hears Eliza scream “Mur- ahhhh!” Eliza shuts her eyes in pain as the chains begin to glow and fade just as quickly. “ELIZA!” Muriel yells his heart pounding, fury coursing through him. “Really, do you not listen? I told you no interruptions!” The devil sighs “Again as I was saying, you could be a asset to me. As you already know my companion lucio was taken down by your pesky friends. So I am now in need of another to replace him and continue on with the plan. of course lucio was strong in some ways but he was weak, as are those who do things for greed and fortune. But you, my fellow gladiator you don’t want those things do you? All you want is to save your beloved Eliza, isn’t that right?” The chains around Eliza begin to glow again and she lets out a scream, tears start to flow from behind her shut eyes. “STOP! PLEASE STOP!” Muriel yells the chains restraining him. panic rises within his body at seeing her in pain, his mind is scattered He needs to stop this, there’s no other way. he needs to stop this, he needs to save her. Another scream comes from Eliza’s body “just say the words and all of this will be over. I’ll return her safe and sound to your world, I promise”

“When you return her you promise to never touch her again. You promise you will not harm her in anyway” Muriel breaths out, tears forming in his eyes. The devil nodes “agreed, no harm will come her way”

“No! Muriel you can’t!” Eliza is shaking her breath uneven. He looks into her eyes, fear and saddens fills them, those emotions should haven never reside there he had promised himself that they would only be filled with happiness, but look, he couldn’t even manage that. He had failed, but he could make it right, when he said he would protect her he meant it. he would do anything for her, even make a deal with the devil. “I’m sorry Eliza. You have to be safe.” Her eyes widen in horror changing into desperation. “No! You said we were a team! You promised!” Tears flow down her face “We’ll figure things out together like we always have! Muriel please, listen to me! Please don’t do this!” Muriel’s own tears fall as he looks away from Eliza’s face and glares at the devil speaking the words that would save the women he loves and bind himself to a new master. “I accept your deal.” The gladiator says, the devil lets out a dark chuckle “good doing business with you.” There was a deafening crack in the throne room red lighting appears around them. But all he could her was Eliza yell his name “MURIEL!” As the chains around her body began to engulf her. “ELIZA!” He didn’t register that his own chains slackened as he ran towards her. He reaches a hand to her outstretched one but before he could grab her a flash of red appears before him blinding him. When he came too and opened his eyes everything is silent say only for the dark rumble of the grey clouds above. Muriel looks at the spot were he last saw her only to find the chains that wrapped around her on the floor and Eliza no where in sight. The gladiator drops to his knees in front of them. replaying the image of her being engulfed by the chains in his head “Where.... is she?” His voice takes a dark tone as he addresses his new master.

“Safe and sound in your world as agreed.” Muriel lowers his head and notices there’s a familiar weight to his body, he feels his neck and finds his old metal collar resting there, looks at his wrists and isn't surprised to find grey cuffs on his wrists, they are the same metals Eliza had freed him from when they had kissed for the the first time. Saddens was replaced by well known anger, the same anger he had carried for so many years before meeting her was taking place in his heart again. “What now?” He growls

“For now I have no use for you. we will have to wait till things have calmed down to try the ritual again. So I will send you back and call on you when I need you.” The devil sits on his throne and moves a hand. Chains slowly wrap around Muriel who’s still kneeling to tired to do anything. “Oh I had almost forgotten to tell you. This is a secret between you and I meaning we can’t have any witnesses.” Muriel looks up his skin rubbing against the metal. “What do you mean.”

“You called it a gift when I first gave it to you, isn’t that right? I wonder how you will feel about it now. It’s quite useful, makes it easier to clean up this whole mess” Muriel’s brain is foggy he can’t quite grasp what the devil means, before he can ask again chains wrap around him completely and then everything goes dark.

Muriel wakes up gasping for air, his eyes fly open being met with the darkness of his hut. It all comes back to him in a flash, the devil, the deal, Eliza. His hand shoots out to his right were she usually sleeps, but his hand comes in contact with nothing only the cold among the furs. He sits up to see emptiness, the fire has gone out, Inanna isn't in her bed. Muriel tries not to panic, ‘she's probably outside.’ He stands up, moving quickly to the door opening it wide. It was the afternoon, he raises a hand to block out the sun as his eyes get used to the light while he searches for any sign of Eliza. He reaches the chicken pen and there is still no sign of her, he feels his breath quicken but feels Inanna’s presence and turns to see her running towards him, he lets his shoulders relax a bit at the sight of her, he kneels down before her and pets her. “I’m glad you’re okay.” Inanna nuzzles her head against his hand. “Do you know where Eliza is?” He asks the wolf. Inanna steps back ‘shop.’ Her voice states in his mind. ‘Of course she’s at the shop, she’s probably working.’ He thinks, Inanna lets out a small whine. he needs to go see her, he needs to make sure that she’s okay. Without a second thought he starts running. running as fast as he could ‘Please be safe, please be safe. I’m sorry. I’m sorry’ repeating through his head as his feet take him onward.

He goes through the back trail that Asra had made for him so he could come and go from the shop without going Into the Main Street. When he reaches the back door he pounds on the door twice “ELIZA! Are you in there?” Silence greets him, he pounds on the door again calling out for, her, Asra, anyone. But all he gets is again a still silence. tears brim his eyes as he tries to calm down his breathing. ‘Did he not keep his end of the deal? Did he lie to him? How stupid was he to believe the devil? Is she....gone?’

“Alright! hurry back” Asra’s voice reaches his ears. Muriel snaps back to the world around him, his heart filling with hope. He runs to the front of the shop were Asra is undoing the protective spell on the door. “Asra.” Muriel says looking over his friend for any signs of injury and is glad to not find any, however there is something on his face, wariness. Asra looks at the Gladiator up and down stepping down into the street away from the shop door. “Can I help you?” Muriel is taken back at the defensive tone in his Friends voice. something starts slowly churning in his stomach. “It’s me” Muriel pushes back the hood of his cloak but the expression on Asra’s face doesn't change. “I’m sorry but the shops closed, I’m going to have to ask you to leave” Muriel freezes. not wanting to accept what his brain is telling him. He shakes his head “Asra please don’t. Tell me where-“ he gets caught off as another voice is heard a little ways ahead. “Got it! It was under the seat. I don’t know what I would do if I lost it!” Eliza comes running towards them her blue bandana in hand. Muriel’s heart leaps as he sees her stop before them. She’s alive, she’s okay. Muriel starts to take a step toward her to touch her and confirm that she really is here and okay but his blood runs cold when he sees her go behind Asra

“who is that?” She asks in a small voice

“I don’t know, but get inside Eliza.” Asra answers her.

Muriel steadies himself feeling like he got the wind knocked out of him as realization strucks him. “Eliza, it’s me. It’s me Muriel” he steps forward, she takes a step back from him and he tries to ignore the clench in his chest when he sees her do it. “You have to remember.” Eliza shakes her head “I’m sorry, I don’t remember you, truly” her eyes waver with something and to his horror he sees that she's scared. Scared of him, she’s never looked at him that way before hitting him with another blow to the chest. A idea passes through his head, Frantically Muriel goes through his pockets “this- this will help!” he finds a small leather bag of myrrh and goes to Eliza opening the bag for her to smell. This will do it, once she smells the herbs all of this will be forgotten and she will remember him once again, all of their memories that they had shared won’t be lost, she’ll come back to him, his light will come back.

suddenly his thoughts were cut off by a dark chuckle echoing in his head. “Oh you foolish human, if only it was so simple? Didn’t I say no one could know our little secret? Those herbs won’t do anything” he laughs again “This is still a gift, isn’t it?” The devils presence leaves him taking his torn heart with him because as he looks at Eliza’s face that has no smile, no recognition of him in her eyes after smelling the herbs, his heart completely shattered around him. if the pieces weren’t going to be picked up by her, he didn’t want it. Muriel hadn’t realize that he was crying, hadn’t realized that he was grasping Eliza’s wrist until he heard Asra speak “I suggest that you let go of her right now and leave” Muriel Winces slightly but with all the power he had left with all the energy he had, he lets her go. Eliza held her hand to her chest holding the small leather bag and placing a hand over her wrist that he held, she looked over him once more, “I’m sorry” she said softly for him alone to hear and began walking up the steps to the shop disappearing inside with Asra. Muriel looks at the hand that had touched her last he could still feel the warmth of her, it still hadn’t fully settled within him that the nightmare that lived only in his head at night had just became reality.

* * *

His world was dark once more. Days, weeks, had passed or has it been years? Muriel didn’t care for all he knew it could’ve been the same day still when Eliza looked at him as a stranger, as the true monster he had always been. Everything reminded him of her inside his hut and outside. he tried to sleep to escape but quickly stopped when even in his dreams were filled with memories of her. He only let himself rest before her face would appear in his mind. Yet He couldn’t stop himself from going to the shop and watching her from afar, knowing that she was alive and happy was enough to distract him, but slowly the pain in his chest would return again, he didn’t entirely hated it, it reminded him of what he had done for her, giving her a chance at a life of freedom and he would do it again in a heartbeat.

* * *

Eliza had been collecting wild herbs in the forest when she realized that Nell wasn’t beside her. She closes her satchel and looks around for her fox calling her name when suddenly she sees her bounding towards her, kneeling Eliza catches her in her arms. “Nell you had me worried! Where did you go off too? Hmm?” she pets her white fur. Nell barks and jumps out of her arms running again, Eliza laughs and follows her familiar’s snow prints. she reaches a clearing with a hut in the middle that’s being engulfed by the roots of a huge tree. Eliza hears Nell bark again and turns to see a very large figure come around the hut. it was a man wearing a cloak around his shoulders, underneath she could see a heavy metal collar around his neck, his large green eyes meet hers and she sees them widen in surprise.

“What are you doing here?” Eliza swallows slowly the way he watched her makes her heart quicken. She clutches her bag strap “um, I’m sorry. I was following Nell and she lead me here” the man looks at her fox as Nell goes to him and puts her front paws on his leg asking for a pet ‘big man Friend!’ ‘Friend?!’ Eliza eyes widen, she searches the face of the man in front of her, but she can’t remember ever meeting him. So how does Nell know him? She’s pretty sure she would remember a face like his, meaning! The face of a man that lived in the woods... of course his face is handsome and attractive... although his face clearly showed how tired he was, dark bags sat under his eyes and his features had a heavy weight to them. The green eyed man pets Nell once and that was enough for the fox to stick her tongue out and smile up at him, her tail going crazy. “She-she remembers you” the man looks at her. “I’m sorry, but have we met before?” Eliza asks earnestly. He lets out a sigh “Yeah, Something like that.” he states plainly but she catches saddens behind his words. Eliza feels guilty that she doesn’t remember him at all, but with her condition it was to be expected.

“Oh, I’m sorry I probably met you a few years ago. I had a memory loss incident a few years back. But, maybe if you tell me how we met I might remember!” She smiles at him swaying on the balls of her feet. The dark haired man looks her over something flickers in his eyes before disappearing quickly, longing? Saddens?. “It’s not that...” he averts his eyes. "You don't need to know. You should go, it’s getting late.” He begins to move away but she calls for him to wait still keeping her eyes on him. “Can I know your name?” Still looking away he answers her “why?” She moves closer “so I know what to call you?” She has a small smile on her face. “Then don't call me” he grumbles Eliza can’t help but let out small laugh making the man turn to her confused at her reaction. “Well man that won’t tell me his name. Am Eliza! But I think you already knew that... anyway, I want to give you something. I can sense you haven't been able to sleep and I know that feeling perfectly well so here.” Eliza looks down at her satchel and opens it “you don’t-!” She hears the man say as she pulls out a vile and looks up at him blinking in confusion at his panicked expression. Eliza smiles “it’s alright, here” she grabs his hand gently and she feels him tense up she turns his hand over placing the vile into his large hand. She looks up to see the man staring at her in shock, his eyes looking at her like she had grown a second head. “Um. The vile is liquidized myrrh, its known to help calm and relax the mind if smelled. But one drop of this in any drink will help your body relax her eyes widen realizing how weird she sounds offering someone a vile that could help relax their bodies. “I-I’m a magician I work at the magic shop in the city with my master Asra! I promise it’s safe!” the man ignores her rambles only looking down at his hand with the vile. “myrhh...”

“Yeah! I always have some on me” she grabs a small leather bag from her satchel “I don’t know why, but it’s a familiar scent to me, i use it when I’m feeling Anxious about something and when I can’t sleep” she puts the bag away. “Muriel.” Her head goes back to the man “pardon?” His gaze softens “my name is muriel” he repeats himself. Eliza smiles at him “Muriel” she tries it out. it feels...familiar somehow, like it belongs to be said by her. “I like it” she says and she sees Muriel get a tint of pink on his cheeks. He coughs and averts his eyes “you should go.” Eliza looks at the sky and sees it darkening she pouts not wanting to leave him. “I guess I should” she steps back and calls Nell to her side. “It was really nice meeting you Muriel, i hope to see you again and I do hope the myrrh helps!” She waves at him before turning to leave. She didn’t know it then how could she? But when Muriel was watching her leave, an old forgotten feeling lit inside of him, the feeling of hope began to bloom.

#thearcanamuriel #muriel the arcana #muriel #muriel x mc #muriel x oc #thearcanastory #thearcana #thearcanaoneshot #reversed ending #julian devorak #the arcana asra #the arcana nadia #portia #angst #fluff #muriel the mountain man #inaana

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