#I personally think the point of disagreement in this case was more a misunderstanding of wording choice than a material one
"I dunno - maybe I just resist the idea that Ed hated himself so much that he’d fuck someone as vicious as that."
I've only been loosely following the discussion these past couple of days, so I may be missing things, but I think that statement up there may be where the misunderstanding has been coming from? In that it's not a disagreement about the show itself, but just a different philosophical understanding of casual sex to begin with.
Who you have sex with does not intrinsically say anything about you as a person or imply that you hate yourself just because you fucked someone who may be shitty. (Which, Ed does canonically hate himself, that's a big thing about himself, but irrelevant to the point I'm making here in any case)
Jack was someone he had fun with and who was easily available, someone who he's initially excited enough to see again even after years because he's someone he's obviously associated with fun in the past, and sex here is just a different kind of fun, it really doesn't have to mean anything more than that or imply any damning thing about Ed as a person just because of his choice of partner for a hookup. I think that is in fact a pretty big part of it, that the kind of sex Ed had before Stede was always meaningless and lacking a deeper connection, just something to do for a fleeting bit of fun with whoever was around and willing, and he's tired of it by the time Stede comes around, and shows him that he can actually aspire to better than the only thing that's ever been an option to him in the past.
Ed enjoying rowdier fun and casual unattached sex is a value neutral statement, there's nothing inherently wrong with that by itself, nor does it denote anything wrong with Ed's character just because some of his partners may have been shitty people (other than maybe bad taste). There are many toxic things about pirate culture in general and Jack specifically as a person and in his relationship with Ed, but that aspect of it is not actually one of them.
Anyway, I feel like I'm talking in circles a bit, but I get the impression that's what originated all the discourse: people's issue seems to be not so much with your preference to interpret Jack as lying here, but the fact that your reasoning to dismiss the option that he's telling the truth seems to be coming from a place with some unfortunate implications about casual sex and the people who engage in it, that other people don't necessarily share, so for them Ed and Jack having sex does not actually grant Jack this undue power over Ed that you've been referring to.
I apologise if I'm out of line and overstepping here, I know this can be more of a personal matter. It just seemed to me to be a big blind spot in this conversation, so I thought it might be worth pointing it out to hopefully shed some clarity.
K, I'm gonna try to unpack this and be as clear as I can about what I actually think, because this is getting complicated. I've no clue if this is what people are actually taking away from this conversation, and a lot of what I'd originally said was unclear on my part and then ran away from me, so now there's a Discourse that goes beyond what I'd intended or meant.
No, I do not hold the opinion that casual sex is bad or wrong. Yes, it is a neutral thing. For some people, it's awesome and they love it; for others, it makes them feel shitty and they'd rather not do it. That's down to the individual. I am strongly of the opinion that everyone should do what feels right for them, as long as the people involved are consenting to it. Human relationships are complicated.
In terms of Ed: no, there is nothing wrong with him fucking whomever he likes (with consent). That includes Jack. If I ever implied otherwise, I am sorry.
Ed having had bad partners is not a value judgment on him. Ed thinking he only deserves bad partners and that the only way he can be touched is with violence makes me very sad for Ed. What I said in the previous post is entirely my emotional reaction; maybe I just see how fucking awful Jack is and I'd rather that Ed not have been subjected to his fucking awfulness. That's not blaming Ed for having had a bad partner, but preferring that he not have had a bad partner.
In terms of Ed's characterization, I think this gets more complicated. We see Ed desiring things that he hasn't gotten: intimacy, softness, gentleness. We see him wanting Stede to hold him, and not knowing how to ask for that except via a violent game. That implies that at least some of Ed's past has not been satisfying for Ed. He's not seeking out yet another casual fling but an intimacy that he has been denied in the past and that he wants. TBH, I largely read Ed as one of those people who does not actually want casual sex but does it because he wants closeness and pleasure and that's his only option. Is that the only way to read him? No, not at all. Just my opinion.
Jack does absolutely read to me as someone who mistreats his partners, and who does not care either about their comfort or their pleasure or, for that matter, their consent.
I've tried several times now to explain what I meant by giving Jack power, which I did not mean to do with the characters in-world but with Jack's power in the narrative. This was originally (I think?) in the context of Jack defining Ed's sexuality for the viewer, and that's where I think we may be granting Jack too much power to define who Ed is. Maybe this is still overly muddled, but I was never trying to say that if Ed and Jack had sex, Jack controls Ed.
All of this is solely my read of the characters and the way the show is constructed. None of this is prescriptive, none of this is "this is the only the way to understand these characters and their relationships and everyone else is wrong and bad." My frustration has been with myself, for kneejerk reactions and not being able to express my opinion on this clearly, and the way in which some statements have been taken out of context and seem to have gotten away from the original conversation, so that I'm feeling more than a little defensive about it. I'm also a bit frustrated at some of the hostility towards a differing interpretation of a scene in a TV show, which has also made me feel defensive. This, however, is a me problem.
A number of the conversations that have grown out of this I've found very valuable and interesting and I respect others' opinions, and despite appearances, all I really want to do is discuss these things with other fans. I really don't mean to be hostile at all.
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Creatures Of Habit
Fanfiction Request for @dindjarins04
Creatures Of Habit (The Boys)
Pairing: jealous!butcher x fem!reader
Word Count: 6173
Content Warnings:
Explicit Language
Explicit Sex including fingering / oral / penetrative / choking / biting / ice play
Mild Gore
Alcohol
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The heat in New York was suffocating. Lungs choked on the heavy black pollution emitted from exhaust pipes, and clammy hands met damp handkerchiefs in futile attempts to wipe sweat from foreheads. Rivulets of sweat trickled down every body that moved through the streets, every body except Riva’s. She leant against the dusty brick wall of an apartment complex, occasionally sipping from the paper cup that held surprisingly still hot coffee. Riva was perhaps the only person for miles dressed in a vest, cargo pants and a leather jacket. In fact, you could scour the entirety of the city and not find a single person wearing more than one layer, bar Riva.
When she was young, her epithet had been Riva fire-kissed, partially in jest of her red hair but partially in faith due to the commune she spent her childhood in. Riva had never known a time when she didn’t possess her powers, able to regulate her body temperature at will with a mastery over fire and heat. Not only could Riva produce her own fire, but she could also control any form of heat, such as movement. It had made for an interesting time navigating the sin she felt most closely aligned with. Wrath was something that had to be under careful control at all times, lest she accidentally boil someone alive. Yes, boil. Boil was the method that happened when she lost control. Burning people to death was much easier in Riva’s mind, watching their fragile forms desiccate into ash without a flicker of emotion. Perhaps the latter was a lie, in truth it was less a case of feeling nothing and more a case of feeling entirely numb. She’d become so accustomed to grief that she’d become a master of suppressing it, much to the annoyance of Hughie who’d been trying to get her to open up for several weeks now.
Riva was on scout duty, a task that felt more like a chore than a thing of actual interest or purpose. It had come about that she was on scout duty for the fourth time that week due to a disagreement with Butcher. At least that’s what Riva called it, MM had referred to it as a ‘fucking shitshow’, but then again he did use that phrase for most inconveniences. This morning, Hughie had attempted to convince the two to apologise to each other, which had gone about as well as a toddler driving an SUV. Riva had stubbornly stomped across the dank basement to Butcher, squared up to him and snarled,
“Sorry you’re so fucking stupid.”
Which had been met with the reply, “Sorry you’re a fuckin’ cunt.”
To which Riva had retorted, “For a man who says cunt a lot, it’s not like you get any.”
At this point, Frenchie had stepped in, placatingly saying, “Let’s all just calm down, this is clearly a misunderstanding and I think you two need some space.”
Butcher had let out a grunt and pressed his finger into Frenchie’s chest, “It’s not a misunderstanding, it’s me telling you all the plan and this fucking moron blowing it to hell.”
“I did not blow it to hell, your plan was filled with holes and if it wasn’t for me Hughie would have lost his arm!” Riva shouted, before staggering backwards as Butcher strode towards her, backing her up against the grimy wall.
His voice dropped to a low rumble, as he whispered quietly, “I gave you an order and you disobeyed me. Because of your fuck up, I have this.” He jerked his thumb to his neck, where a hairline thick scar lay, courtesy of Black Noir’s blade.
“It’s not my fault you confused bravery with stupidity.” Riva hissed back, dropping her voice to a barely audible volume she added, “Maybe that’s why you lost her.”
On reflection, Riva realised that probably wasn’t the ideal thing to say to her new boss stroke acquaintance. Generally it was never a good idea to throw the insult of a dead wife in someone’s face, but Riva had succumbed to her temper, unable to keep it on a leash. What happened next had surprised her, Butcher and Riva had fought many times over the past three months. Scrapping in the basement whilst he had her in a chokehold, which followed with her foot finding purchase in his groin. They’d been surprisingly evenly matched given Riva’s supernatural strength. But then, it was rarely her strength that she deployed. Why punch someone in the face when you could melt the flesh from their bones?
Instead, Butcher had chosen to walk away silently. Before pointing to the stairs and muttering, “Scout duty, full day.”
Which was how Riva had found herself here, watching sweaty bodies make their way through New York streets as she kept a close eye on A-Train’s comings and goings. He’d dipped down a side street a few hours ago, and had slipped into a grungy graffitied door which Riva knew to be a twenty-four hour night club. She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, mildly irritated that he was still there. How long did one need to spend in a grimy club on a Thursday afternoon?
Compound V. That’s what jolted Riva back to her purpose. The whispers of Compound V had grown to loud talk, and Riva was set upon uncovering the truth of her creation. At the commune, she’d been told that it was a blessing from the spirit world, that they’d gifted her with ancient powers to help them. Riva quickly came to realise that these ancient powers were merely a way to keep the commune warm, and eventually turned into magic tricks to earn some spare cash. After several years, Riva had begun to realise that she was sick and tired of being used for the commune, so at fifteen she left and made a life of her own. She ended up attending supernatural pageants, it turned out that outside of the commune being a supe wasn’t particularly special. In fact, there was a nationwide famous group of them dedicated to protecting America, the seven. She’d seen Starlight at several of them, but never particularly spoken to her. From what Hughie had told her, she was unlike the other supes and in fact rather genuine. A-Train on the other hand, was described by Hughie as a ‘colossal dick’ and by Butcher as ‘another supe cunt’.
Riva’s mind had begun to wander when the metal door swung open, slamming loudly and causing Riva to drop the cup, hot coffee splashing across the pavement and slightly sizzling as it did so. Riva stepped across the hot spillage and strode towards A-Train, donned in his familiar electric blue garb as he exited the building and began walking quickly East. Riva jogged across the road to her Yamaha bike, and revved the engine before pulling her helmet on and speeding off after A-Train.
She knew the bike was no speed match for him, but it would gain her some ground and A-Train didn’t seem to be in much of a rush. She watched him glance back over his shoulder before breaking into a sprint.
“Fuck.” Riva mutters under her breath, pressing the ball of her foot down on the accelerator as she weaves her way between the smattering of cars.
At least that was one benefit of the heat, it did make for an easier chase. Riva’s ability to manipulate heat came in very handy when tracking A-Train, after all, he created a lot of heat when he ran and Riva could practically follow the path that he’d laid out for her. Riva followed the trail around several blocks, and it took her a grand total of three minutes to realise that A-Train was going in a circle. Which meant either he was killing time, or he was fully aware that she was tracking him. Neither was a good sign.
A few streets later, the path changed, veering off to the right. Letting out a sigh of frustration, Riva pulls up on the pavement, tires squealing as she comes to a stop. She flicks out her phone and types a quick message to Hughie, regardless of her powers she didn’t fancy her chances fighting one of the seven. If sparring with Butcher was tough, then sparring with A-Train would be a battle. Shoving her phone back into her pocket, Riva hits the gas again, speeding off after the track and finding herself forced to slow down as she turns down narrower roads until she comes to a dead end, with a cluster of dilapidated buildings. Riva kicks the stand out, leaning her bike to the side as she pulls her helmet off. The sunlight catches on her hair, gleaming like wildfire.
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Riva takes a few tentative steps forward, scanning her surroundings cautiously as her boots crunch over the hot gravel. She makes her way towards a ramshackle building, with wooden planks nailed to the front door. As she walks up to the porch, she swipes her index finger through the dust collecting on the frame. She takes another step, the wood creaking under her feet, freezing at the sound of a voice.
“Who the fuck wears a leather jacket in this weather?”
“Shit.” Riva mutters, whirling round to see A-Train staring at her, utterly bemused.
“Well I’m impressed, I didn’t know I was trackable. So you must be a supe?”
“Something like that.” Riva takes a few steps down, meeting him on the pavement.
“Why are you following me?” He demands, surveying her appearance with an arched eyebrow.
“I’ve got some questions.”
He chuckles, stepping closer to her. “You a reporter?”
“I’m a supe, why the hell would I choose to be a reporter?”
A-Train shrugs, “People do strange things.”
“I’ve got questions about… about compound V.”
A-Train freezes for a millisecond before rolling his shoulders back. “Someone’s been busy.”
“I need to know the truth about it, why are you running it around the city?”
“I’m not running shit.” He seethes, gripping her by her jacket. “You’re gonna shut your mouth, or I’ll break that pretty little jaw of yours.”
“Delightful. Just tell me why.”
“Fuck you. You don’t know anything.” Pushing her away, A-Train turns to walk off.
“Were you on V when you killed Hughie Campbell’s girlfriend?” It was a risky shot, but the only one Riva figured would get him to talk.
“That’s who you’re working for? Fuck me, you really are dumb. Running around with that scrawny kid trying to save the world? Think you’re something special?”
“I think I’m trying to find out the truth, same as you.”
A-Train snorts, a dry laugh that Riva knows is more mocking than joyful. “You don’t know what I want, and I’ve had enough of you and Hughie fucking Campbell sticking your noses where you don’t belong. Fuck off.” He gives her a rough shove, causing Riva to stagger backwards.
There was one more ace to play, she supposed. She guessed it was a day for throwing grief in people’s faces. “Popclaw would want you to.”
A-Train turns slowly, too slowly. A shiver snakes up Riva’s spine as she steadies herself.
“The fuck did you just say?”
“I said-” Her sentence is cut short as the wind is knocked out of her lungs. His fist goes flying into her sternum, sending her soaring across the road as she lands with a bump on the tarmac. Quickly Riva shifts to her feet, but A-Train reaches her quicker, hurling her over his shoulder and sending her flying through the wooden planks, into the house.
Dust floats in the air, particles entering her airways as Riva coughs. Spluttering, she pushes herself to her feet, and pauses. She feels the heat quickly enough that she has time to turn her palms up and sent a jet of flame out in the air. A-Train slides underneath it just in time, and knocks out Riva’s legs. As she lands on her stomach, a hand grasps her ankle, throwing her out through the window. Glass shards slice through her skin, as droplets of blood hit the tarmac, the sun making even her flesh begin to tingle with heat.
She places her palms on the ground, beginning to melt it under her hands as A-Train bursts out of the house, sliding on the slick hot tarmac, he swipes out a fist and Riva ducks, catching him with her boot in his sternum. Sprinting after him, she slams into his body, and is quickly whirled round, an elbow jammed into her neck.
At this point, Riva’s unsure whether to melt his face off, probably not ideal given they need him as a lead. She’s cut short for thought by the crunch of gravel, and the low grunt of someone all too familiar saying,
“Oi cunt, get your fuckin’ hands off her.”
A-Train pauses, thought creasing his forehead as he turns back to stare at Butcher, for once not dressed in that damnable trench coat. “Seriously, you? Fucking hell.” A-Train turns back to Riva, laughing sarcastically, “You’re working for him, of all people? God you need to get better friends.”
“I’d hardly call us friends.” Riva manages to spit out,
“Charmin’ darlin’, but the lady is right. Business partners might be a better phrase.” Butcher retorts, and Riva watches him roll his shoulders back, the way he always did before going for the first punch.
A-Train arches an eyebrow, increasing the weight on Riva’s neck as she coughs for air, “Well, I think for practically stalking me, she might need to learn a little lesson.”
“I said, get your fuckin’ hands off her, you cunt.”
Riva takes advantage of A-Train’s momentary distraction to grab A-Train by the cheeks and begin to heat his skin. Letting out a yelp of pain A-Train drops his forearm from her neck, and Riva kicks him back into Butcher, who cracks him across the jaw.
Riva watches, somewhat mesmerised as Butcher pins him to the floor with a gun at his temple and his boot on A-Train’s arm. “Touch her again, and I’ll fuckin’ kill ya.”
“You’d have to catch me first.”
“Tell us about Compound V.” Butcher prompts, and stops at the whirling sound of police sirens. “You motherfucker-”
“Butcher, come on.” Riva jerks a thumb in the direction of her bike, and Butcher spits on the floor, standing up slowly.
“Better luck next time idiots.” A-Train grins wickedly as he shoots off into the blaring sunlight, and Riva pulls her helmet on, wincing as it brushes a lump on her head. Yanking it off, she tentatively presses her fingertips to the bulge and groans.
“We need to get you back, you’re bleedin’ all over the place and that looks nasty.” He gestures to her head and Riva shrugs.
“There’s no medical supplies at the base, we’ll have to-”
“I know somewhere, just get on behind me.” Butcher walks over to the bike, taking the seat at the front.
“It’s my damn bike, I’ll drive it.”
“No you bloody well won’t, not with a likely concussion, now get on before the cops arrive.”
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Feeling exceptionally frustrated, Riva bites her tongue and wedges her helmet on despite the protests from her head. Locking her arms around Butcher’s waist, they speed off into the outskirts of the city, until Butcher pulls up outside a terraced house on a quiet suburban street. Riva takes her helmet off slowly, as Butcher parks the bike and walks up to the front porch.
“Just a casual bit of B and E?” Riva taunts, watching Butcher fumble around in his jean pocket.
“Hardly love.” He fishes out a key, and unlocks the front door, gesturing to Riva. “Well get in then, quick.”
Riva hurries up to the front door, and upon entering the house pauses as Butcher locks the door behind them. “What the hell is this? This is, why aren’t we using this for Base?”
“Because strictly speaking it’s only for favours.” Butcher mutters, walking into the kitchen and opening cupboards at random. “Sit down, and take that fuckin’ jacket off so I can look at your arms.”
“Tell me why Butcher.”
“I’ll tell you once I’ve got you cleaned up. Or are you so fuckin’ stubborn that you don’t want help?”
“I’m fine…” Riva trails off as a sudden dizziness rolls through her in waves, stumbling she reaches the sofa before slipping. Butcher is there in an instant, catching her head before it hits the floor and lifting her onto the sofa in one smooth move.
“Stay here.” He orders, and Riva can’t do much to protest as she begins to drift off. “Don’t sleep, come on sit up.”
A glass of cold water is thrust into her hands, and Riva drinks it gratefully as Butcher begins treating the wounds on her arms. Every now and then Riva emits a hiss of pain as Butcher disinfects and bandages the wounds.
“Thanks.” She mumbles quietly, enough for Butcher to hear but he doesn’t reply other than arching a dark eyebrow at her.
“Do you feel sick? Any vision problems?” He queries and Riva tilts her head to one side.
“You a doctor now?”
“I’m checking if you’ve got a concussion because I don’t fancy the idea of you faintin’ on me and having to take you to hospital when I’m a wanted felon.”
Riva gives him a small but wicked smile, “I thought you said you didn’t kill Stillwell?”
“Just let me see your head.” As Riva goes to touch the bump she finds smooth skin and the dizziness beginning to clear from her head.
“Fuckin’ supes.” Butcher rips the bandage off to reveal what had been a rather deep cut replaced by unmarked flesh.
“Told you I’d be fine.”
Butcher growls at this, stalking away as he throws the medical supplies back into the cupboard.
“Why did you come? How did you even know-”
“Hughie left his phone at Base. That’s all you need to know.” Butcher informs her as he scours the place for alcohol.
“So you unlocked his phone without his permission and came to-”
“Didn’t unlock. There was no code on it.” Butcher pulls a cork out of a wine bottle with his teeth and grabs a glass.
“Why did you even care what A-Train did to me? I thought you were in a pissy mood?”
Butcher lets out a frustrated sigh. “You’re still on my team Riva, even if you are…”
“One of them.” Riva fills in with a snarl, she marches across the living room and towards the front door when Butcher slams a glass of wine down in front of her.
“Don’t let this go to waste just because you’re mad a normal human being saved you.” He glares at her and Riva rolls her eyes.
“I want off scout duty.”
“You should have thought about that before talkin’ about Becca.”
“She’s dead, she doesn’t care-”
“She’s not fuckin’ dead and if you don’t shut your mouth-”
Riva laughs drily. “You’ll shut it for me? God you know you hate Homelander so much but you’re just like him.”
“You don’t even know the cunt.”
Riva slams her hands down on the counter tops. “I know he’s a bully, just like you.”
“At least he actually knows how to use his powers.” Butcher says through a mouthful of wine and Riva feels the anger begin to uncoil in her stomach, rising up through her veins.
“Shut up.”
“Oh I’m sorry, are there lines now? Boundaries that we’re not supposed to cross?”
Riva ignores him, attempting to quell the rage burning in her gut. “Is it true Becca’s alive?”
“It’s none of your business.”
She meets his gaze slowly, “You said we’re a team. It’s my business.”
“When people threaten my team it is my business, but our private lives have nothing to do with work. It’s not like you share anything.”
“That pisses you off?”
“Yea it does fuckin’ piss me off.” Butcher snarls as he takes a step closer towards her. “It pissed me off watchin’ the speedy cunt put his hands on you.”
Riva pauses at this point, the rage which had up until now been coursing a steady path through her veins halts too as she regards Butcher thoughtfully. “Why did that bother you?” She asks, so softly that it’s almost a whisper.
His brow creases, the realisation dawning on him that he’s perhaps admitted something he never should have. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Tell me.” Riva murmurs, softly again as she reaches out to touch him and Butcher shoves her arm away.
“Don’t fuckin’ touch me.”
The rage rises up through her throat as her veins begin to glow red with heat. “You know what Butcher, fine, be miserable and alone because when you die there will be nothing and no-one feeling sorry for you.” Seething, she turns to exit as Butcher throws back a final insult.
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“Just like you then eh? Shitty parents, shitty childhood, abusive-”
The glass soars through the air, and Butcher ducks just in time as it smashes against a cabinet, red wine splattering the walls like blood stains. She glares at him, panting with anger. “Fuck. You.”
He laughs loudly. “You. Wish.” Taking a few steps towards her, Riva refuses to back down and meets him in the middle of the room.
“I’d rather burn alive.” Her hands ball into fists as she readies herself for attack.
“The feelin’s mutual, love.”
Her arm swings out and Butcher catches it, but despite her lack of education when it came to mastering super strength, Riva was just as strong as him. She pushes against his grip and Butcher’s mouth quirks up into a smirk, and he grabs her throat with his free hand.
Riva’s eyes burn with intensity, a new kind of rage uncoiling in her as she stares at him, his hand remarkably light around her throat despite the fervour with which he moved towards it. She places her fingertips on the back of his hand, and begins to heat up his skin. She hears the sizzle and watches his face, which remains smirking, no sign of pain whatsoever.
Riva licks her lips, “I hate you.”
“I hate you too, darlin’.”
Looking back on it now, Riva was unsure who initiated the first move, or how it even came about. One second Butcher’s hand was around her throat and she was burning said hand, whilst he had her other fist in a tight grip and the next she was up against a wall with his hands skating down to her thighs and his mouth on hers.
She didn’t stop him though, if anything she finally began to understand the nuance of the rage that she felt whenever she was around him. It had begun the third time she met him, this new kind of heat that was born in her gut and radiated throughout her so intensely that even she felt the sting of it’s heat. Now, she was beginning to acknowledge that it might in fact be lust.
His mouth pressed against hers firmly, his hands dropping to her waist as hers found themselves tangling up in his thick black hair. Butcher’s hands squeeze her hips, eliciting a gasp from Riva as his tongue finds it’s way into her mouth, fighting her for dominance as she rakes her nails down the back of his neck which he groans delightedly at. His right hand remains on her hip as his left comes up, tangling in her red hair his fist tightens around a few strands and pulls her head back.
“Fuck.” She breathes as his lips trail down her jawline, moving across the expanse of her neck until he finds the spot that makes her arch her back and moan as he takes the flesh between his teeth gently. Sucking the skin, she feels her neck begin to bruise and heal simultaneously as she digs her fingernails into his shoulders.
He trails a line of kisses back up to her ear, nipping the lobe before murmuring, “I love it when you moan for me.”
“And I can’t wait until you moan for me.” Riva whispers through gasping breaths.
“Unlikely love.” He hums against her neck, and Riva pushes him roughly in his chest. Butcher grins wickedly as he staggers backwards, and Riva surveys him before darting round the island in the centre of the kitchen.
Butcher feints left, before moving right and grabbing her by the waist, he hauls her thighs up around his hips and slams her into the wall again, and she moans gripping the buttons of his shirt which she rips open.
“Take this off.” Riva pleads, and Butcher chuckles huskily.
“Eager are we?”
“Shut the fuck up.” Riva mutters and Butcher grins, pivoting round and sitting her on the counter top as he tugs his shirt off and tosses it on the floor.
“You’re buyin’ me a new one.” He mutters and Riva catches him by the jaw.
“I’ll do jack shit for you.” She states, hoping the attempt at confidence in her voice overwhelms the gorgeous shock that comes at seeing the rippled muscle that has been hiding far too well under all these trench coats.
“Oh you’ll do plenty for me today darlin’.” He tells her, hands tugging at the vest on her torso as Riva slaps his hands away.
“Not yet.” She tuts, grabbing his jaw and kissing him deeply as his hands snake round her waist. Fingertips tracing idle shapes on her back until he rips the vest off her back and chucks it across the kitchen.
“Butcher.” Riva protests but he slides his hand back around her throat, squeezing lightly.
“I don’t care.” He growls but relaxes a little before quietly adding, “Tap my wrist two times if you need me to stop love.”
Riva can’t help but twist her lips up into a smile at this, as her hand closes over his encouraging him to to tighten his grip which Butcher does, grinning wildly as he unbuttons and unzips her cargo pants with one hand. Pulling them down her thighs, Butcher smiles at her bare thighs.
“What?” Riva narrows her eyes at him.
“You’re fuckin’ beautiful.” He brushes his knuckle against Riva’s thigh who whimpers, as she involuntarily spreads them for him.
Butcher’s hands grip her ass as he pulls her to the edge of the counter top and drops to his knees, kissing slowly up from her ankles to her core, inch by inch. His lips skate over her underwear before kissing down the other leg as Riva grips the cool counter under her hands.
“Stop teasing.” She hisses, and Butcher clicks his tongue.
“Lie back for me love.” He murmurs, and Riva sits up, meeting Butcher’s hand who presses her back down firmly by her stomach.
“Stop it-”
“Lie back and cum for me darlin’.” Butcher says, before adding, “That was an order.”
Riva arches an eyebrow, but nonetheless lies back, the cool counter soothing the warmth of her back. She exhales gently as Butcher’s fingertips brush over her underwear, and his index finger pushes it to the side. Butcher inhales sharply, groaning at the sight of her.
“Told you.” Riva grins, and Butcher sighs.
“Fuck. You’re fuckin’ perfect.”
“I’m going to remind you of- oh fuck.” Riva gasps, her hands gripping the edge of the counter as Butcher’s tongue flicks up her core, circling the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs.
“You were sayin’ love?” Butcher hums against her, and Riva grunts in frustration, her hands grabbing the back of his head as she pushes him towards her.
“Don’t stop.” She whines, and he laughs before meeting her gaze.
“I’m gonna fuckin’ devour you.” He tells her, and uses the flat of his tongue to lick a stripe up her sex.
Riva moans, arching her back as Butcher’s tongue moves quicker and quicker over her core that begins to drip down onto his chin. He places two fingers in his mouth, covering them in saliva before nudging one at her entrance.
Riva gasps, “Please. I need you.”
“Need me where?”
“In me. Fuck Butcher, please.”
He answers by pushing one finger inside her and Riva hisses through her teeth, as he curls his index finger inside her, gently brushing her inner walls. He adds another, stretching her open as his mouth returns to the epicentre of her nerves. He sucks it into his mouth, swirling his tongue around her before returning to licking up and down her core. As he falls into a rhythm, she grips his head and moans louder, her back arching as she grinds her hips into his mouth.
“Don’t you fucking change a thing, I’m so fucking…” She trails off as Butcher keeps his rhythm, and brings her closer and closer to the explosion she so desperately craves.
It hits her like an explosion, stars spearing through her vision as her whole body glows red with aching heat, and Butcher hums proudly against her as she tightens around his fingers.
“Oh Jesus Christ.” Riva breathes raggedly.
“Not quite love.” He replies.
“Just shut up.”
“Oh, you taste fuckin’ delicious. So good for me.” He chuckles against her and kisses up her stomach, nuzzling her breasts.
Riva sits up, wrapping her legs around his hips and unbuckling his jeans. “My turn.” She pushes him back, slipping off the counter as she slams him up against the wall, yanking down his jeans and cupping him in her hand.
Riva smirks as he begins to harden in her palm, and tugs at the waistband of his boxers. “Do I turn you on Butcher?”
“More than you fuckin’ know love, let’s just skip this part eh?” He lets out a breath as Riva runs her tongue from the base of him to his head, flicking it gently before taking him all the way in her mouth.
“Oh fuck love, fuck you’re so fuckin’ good at…” He trails off, hands twisting into her hair as he gently pushes her head up and down his length.
His knees buckle after a minute, and he pulls her up by her throat, tightening his grip as he kisses her, his mouth tasting of her and hers of him, forming the most exquisitely gorgeous combination on their tongues.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
“A little too close for comfort?” She taunts, and Butcher smiles widely.
“Cut me some slack, it’s been a while.” He unclips her bra, throwing it over his shoulder as he carries her towards the sofa.
“No.” She breathes, “Against the wall first.”
“First?”
“Are you-”
“I’m kiddin’, love.” He rams her against the wall, adjusting himself so that he’s pressed against her entrance. “You ready?”
“Just fuck me.” His answer is to slam himself into her, all the way up to the hilt. Riva lets out a soft scream as she stretches to accommodate him, and he remains still for several moments to let her adjust.
“Better?” He quips, and she nods. “Good. Because I’m going to make your legs shake so much you won’t be able to walk for days.”
“Big talk.” She purrs, and his fingertips press harshly into her hips before he pulls back and thrusts into her again. Riva’s left hand grips his shoulders, digging her nails into his skin whilst her right hand tugs on his hair.
“God you feel so fuckin’ good.” He says between breaths, his hips ramming into hers as her back smacks against the wall again and again and again. To most, it would have bruised the skin, but it added a layer of slight pain to the overwhelming pleasure she was feeling, which made the whole experience all the more incredible.
He grabs her arms, and holds them above her head, his grip tight around her wrists as he uses his free hand to hold her up, fucking her harder and harder until she’s screaming for him, begging him to keep going. She leans forward, sinking her teeth into his shoulder as he laughs, “God you’re brilliant.”
“Don’t fucking stop.” She grits out, and Butcher shakes his head, all pretence gone.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He drops her wrists, securing her weight in his hands as he moves her from the wall, pausing by the freezer as he opens it with one hand, grabs something and kicks it shut.
Butcher carries her to the sofa, lying Riva on her back and kissing down her sternum as he pops an ice cube in his mouth and drags it across her breasts, circling her nipples as gasps of pleasure escape from her throat. He drags it down her sternum, leaving it resting on her belly as his mouth moves up to her nipples, taking them in his mouth individually as he uses his hand to knead her other breast.
An idea forms in Riva’s head, one that’s so enjoyable she can’t help but act it out instantly. She lunges forward pushing Butcher on his back and taking the icecube in her mouth as she sits on his chest, dragging it down his neck much to Butcher’s delight, who groans softly in her ear as she maps his chest with her hands, fingertips grazing over the indents of his abdominal muscles.
“It’s my job to tease you.” He stutters, her lips catching his in a kiss which he eagerly returns.
“And it’s mine to torment you.” Riva murmurs, her lips brushing over his ear, as she returns to the ice cube that’s begun dissolving on his chest. She straddles his lap, sinking down slowly onto him and watching his eyes roll back in rapture.
“Fuckin’ hell, Riva.” He grunts as she begins to wind her hips in a serpentine fashion, his hands gripping her ass as he smacks her lightly, holding her tightly as he meets her movements, thrusting up into her.
“Butcher, your hands, I’m gonna…” She trails off as a wave of euphoria crashes through her, and his hands snake up to her neck, closing around her throat as he squeezes.
“Cum for me love, I want to hear you say my name. I want to know that it’s me who’s making you feel like this.”
“Possessive much?” She gulps out and he grins.
“You have no idea.” He increases the pressure, and watches her wring out her orgasm on his lap, riding him harder and harder as Butcher begins to sit up, squeezing tighter until her body freezes before melting under his touch.
He drops his hands from her neck as she lets out a gasp for oxygen, her hands digging into his shoulders as she tilts her head back, throat exposed to the air moaning, “Oh fuck, Billy, yes, just like that.”
“God I love it when you say my name. I plan on hearing you say that many, many times over.” He tells her, watching her in awe as she comes down from her high.
“Your turn.” She says softly, lips swollen with lust as he flips her on her back, hands cradling her face.
“As you wish, love.” He begins thrusting into her, her legs wrapped round his hips as he gets faster and faster, the couch moving with his movement.
“Holy fuck, Billy.”
“If anyone ever touches you again without your consent, I’ll fuckin’ kill them. Do you understand?” He looks down at her, slowing his pace for a moment.
“I know Butcher.”
He runs his thumb over her lower lip and she takes it in her mouth, gently biting down.
“Billy love, just call me Billy.”
She smiles around his thumb, before raking her nails down his back. “Then cum for me Billy, I want to hear you say my name.”
He grins happily, holding her waist tight as he thrusts harder into her, his hands moving down to grip her thighs as he pulls her down onto him repeatedly, beads of sweat dripping down his face as Riva watches his eyes close, chasing the release that she felt minutes ago. She leans up, nipping his ear as he pants out.
“Too hot, I’m so fuckin’ hot.”
She places her palms on his back, dragging the heat out of his body and watching him relax a little as he continues moving, nuzzling her neck.
“Feel better?”
“Immensley love.” He kisses her neck, thrusting harder and harder as his hips bruise her inner thighs until he slows just a touch and Riva grins.
“Say it.”
“Fuck, Riva fuck you feel incredible.” He groans, his face twisting in pleasure as his release spills out inside her, his thrusts slowing until his face is inches from hers, their foreheads pressed together.
“Well, that was unexpected.” Riva says with a soft laugh as Butcher presses his lips to hers before confessing.
“Hardly darlin’, I’ve been waiting to do that for fuckin’ weeks.”
Riva arches an eyebrow, “But you argue with me non-stop, you’re just as stubborn as I am.”
Butcher chuckles, kissing her forehead. “What can I say love? Creatures of habit.”
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Uchiha Madara - A man defined by love, hope and despair
I am all for devoted siblings that love one another - that would go through metaphorical and a literal hell for one another - but that selfsame devotion - when twisted to its opposite, is just as compelling to explore and untangle so that you can watch a unhealthy dynamic/toxic (how I loathe that word) turn healthy.
Do not misunderstand, I headcanon that Madara and Izuna had a mutual respect for one another, that they cared and adored one another with an intensity only few relationships manage. They loved one another so deeply that no one could measure it. Their relationship was one of give and take in equal measure.
But it got me thinking about the possibility of a darker tone to this very dynamic (even if just in a few instances and not their entire relationship being unhealthy).
Hashirama mentions that Madara is “indecisive”. While it is used more as a form humour, Madara’s “push and pull” dynamic is a dance that can go on for a long time should both parties participate in that dynamic. He showcases the most fundamental of desires in humans at that point, though; connection. But, as most who have been hurt one way or another, he cannot handle it at the same time and it makes him conflicted.
That indecisiveness is probably not without merit (if it’s not rooted in projection of Hashirama’s issues onto Madara, that is).
Madara most likely considered every possible angle, and how best to minimize the chances of his last brother perishing - to the detriment of the clan. Izuna had to constantly reassure his brother that he would survive and keep on watching over him - have his back as they say, quite literally. They would remain together, as they always had.
Despite seeing Izuna as someone overflowing with talent - and as his equal on the battlefield in many aspects - it would not surprise me if a part - tiny as it is - of Madara would prefer to keep Izuna away from the battlefield altogether - to Izuna’s obvious disagreement. Many a argument had probably been heard when both brothers lashed out at one another from emotions boiling over.
The constant war and bloodshed probably taught Madara early the importance (and the impossibility) of control. He, most likely, turned to his siblings to find reassurance in this world that was so unpredictable, and cruel, in that any of his siblings could perish at any moment. And perish they did. Only Izuna reached adulthood, and he died terribly young even then, aged merely 24.
The tragedy of Madara - what broke him so completely and changed him into someone no one, not even Hashirama, could recognize - was the death of his beloved brother. The remaining member of his family that once was a family of seven.
Being born with many siblings was the norm during the Warring States Era. Becoming attached and fond of these very siblings was probably - whether it was said or implied in any which way - frowned upon (due to the unpredictable lives they lived as shinobi).
Or, as in the case of the Uchiha clan; their greatest strength was also their greatest weakness (literally).
As much as bonds have the ability to shape us into the best version of ourselves, they also have the capability to cause terrible distress and suffering, and Madara is one - of many - examples of having loved and lost.
If we go deeper and see beyond the love and adoration an older brother held for his younger one, what do we find?
A man becoming unhinged.
But why?
Because he lost the one thing/person he was living for.
A bold claim to make, no? But realistically Madara was an unhinged, unstable person - due to his personality and his environment shaping him as such. He was undeniably kind and compassionate as well - but in the end those very traits would end up destroying his already fragile and declining mental health.
Izuna represented more to Madara than merely family; he was everything to him. Everything began and ended with Izuna.
Granted, Hashirama never knew Itachi and his…’heroic deed(s)’ in Konoha’s name, but he did mention that Madara’s love (perhaps/probably) overshadowed the love (and that label is up for debate in all honesty) Itachi held for Sasuke.
There is even a lore reason that points to the fact just how deep Madara’s capacity for love was - for the pain and the darkness to claim him so completely; the Sharingan and, more importantly, the (Eternal) Mangekyō Sharingan.
Madara’s dream of a peaceful world had everything to do with Izuna. That is adorable, it is beautiful, but it is also a receipt for disaster - and we are, indeed, shown the consequences of the loss of a brother held so dear (albeit indirectly because we got everything told through Hashirama’s perspective).
Madara pinned his entire existence, his reason for fighting and perpetuating this endless cycle of violence - in the hope to create peace - onto one single thing. Even worse, that thing was a human he adored and loved more than his own life.
Humans are fickle. Our loved ones are loved as much as they are resented at times. Realistically Madara and Izuna would not be an exception to that ambivalence - no matter how close their bond. Paradoxically enough that closeness would probably have caused terrible, terrible friction from time to time. From control issues, feeling smothered and not appreciated, to resentment and anger.
The look of a man about to lose everything
Madara had dreams, powerful ones at that, but they hinged on the condition that Izuna was there to experience them with him - together.
“If it’s you I can go in peace…”
“I have not a single brother left. I have nothing to protect”
“You took even my last brother from me…”
If that is not someone being heartbroken and suicidal I don’t know what is…
And what happens once he loses his beloved brother?
Has to watch him become another sacrifice like their other three siblings, like their family and friends?
His entire world crumbles.
Literally.
One can nearly say with certainty that Izuna held the clan together - held Madara together - as without their second-in-command, Uchiha defected to the Senju due to their lack of trust in Madara to protect them. While not the sole reason, it does say a lot if the power balance shifts in the favour of the Senju.
That is not to say that Madara is an incompetent leader; he just had his priorities backwards (in the eyes of everyone else, those who could not understand).
Izuna probably chided Madara - if with a tenderness not really befitting the situation, to easier reach the brother of his who was prone to defensiveness even with him - for his protectiveness. But as I mentioned before that tenderness, to slight exasperation, had to be a terrifying sight the moment it came from a place of genuine frustration and wrath.
With Izuna gone Madara was adrift in more ways than one. What had shaped his entire existence was the war and bloodshed, as well as his love for his family - and now he was alone in an unfamiliar territory, with a different political climate to adjust to and navigate.
However, Konoha was not Madara’s dream per se - it was Hashirama’s. The condition, to which he initially agreed to it, had been taken from him. While it was a beautiful sight to witness peace take form, it must have felt - if not entirely meaningless - hollow.
Out of desperation - to find a sense of comfort - he tried to repair his bond with Hashirama. But they were too different in their values at that point and it was a friendship that was one-sided. But it was the last hope Madara had.
While not entirely swallowed by despair just yet, resentment must have been festering in his heart. Nothing was turning out the way he had hoped. His clan was once and for all turning their back on him and spat so onto the sacrifices that were made for them.
The negotiations (if as such it can be called) between Iwagakure and Konoha (with Madara sent as the latter’s representative) shattered Madara’s last shred of hope in Hashirama and revealed the way Hashirama perceived ‘peace’.
Hashirama was not ushering them into an era of peace as they longed for in their boyhood. He was perpetrating their existing cycle of violence on a smaller, more calculated scale. Attempting to unite all villages under one name (Konoha), while disregarding that not all see their peace as the only path to peace, nor do all want to join their cause.
Disillusioned, Madara’s choice is clear and absolute. Izuna’s warning has come to pass.
As a witness to Tobirama’s rhetoric and beliefs (perhaps not just yet as extreme as they would become), Madara can only come to the conclusion that, the moment Tobirama takes over Hashirama’s heritage, his clan - the clan for which Izuna gave Madara his eyes, the clan he fought to keep safe through both a promise and as their leader - is doomed.
They resent each other; that is an undeniable fact. Tobirama is the reason Madara lost what was most dear to him, denting his fragile psyche and strengthening his distrust in this village where they - Uchiha and Senju - cannot coexist. Madara, however, backed himself into a corner the moment he gave his former friend the alternative to understand him and his pain, yet his heart - kind since a mere child - could not follow through with such cruelty.
With Hashirama sprouting lofty words and empty promises, Madara turns his back onto their dream once and for all.
In canon it is the deciphering of the modified - by black Zetsu - stone tablet that sends Madara’s psyche down the deep end once and for all. But, in all honesty, it had been enough if Madara lost Izuna, and his faith in a dream, that - in the end - was not even his.
A purely psychological angle (as in, no blob of darkness there to pull the strings) would have been more than enough for Madara to conclude that an extreme path to peace (and whether it is peace, or not, is another debate) was the only way to achieve lasting peace for humankind.
He saw, after all, with his own eyes that humanity was unable/unwilling to change its ways; whether in the era he grew up in, or after Konoha was built - conflicts remained. War still broke out in the form of the First Ninja War, then the Second Great Ninja War, then a third one even.
Nothing had changed.
Everyone had sacrificed themselves for naught. Konoha was built on the corpses of their kinsmen, and everyone pays for their safety in blood still.
If going by canon, it is - indeed - the modified stone tablet that does Madara’s psyche in and that is when despair swallows him whole.
If Konoha was Hashirama’s life’s work, so would Madara’s Eye of The Moon plan end up being his (quite literally even). The Eye of the Moon Plan was born from his despair at having lived a life where he had to lose love and hope.
He went above and beyond for the chess pieces to align.
And yet, despite going so far as he did for his plan, it was terribly…fortuitous in the end. Neither Nagato nor Obito held themselves to the script, and neither would have brought Madara back to life in the end.
But all that would not have mattered to Madara, as the moment he died, Izuna was there to finally welcome him home.
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Thanks for the quick reply, hun. I’m pretty excited! I’m so happy that you’ll accept my request for my birthday, it means a lot to me!
Okie, I’ll try to make this short and sweet! I’m pretty talkative and tend to get carried away with what I write—
I am non-binary and also Biromantic. I use she/they pronouns!
I’m monogamous! Only one person at a time.
My chosen fandoms are Cookie Run, My Hero Academia, and Hetalia! I’m secretly excited for the Hetalia match ups, it’s my favorite anime. ❤️
Let’s see.. four things my partner should have are:
A LOT of patience. I’m a very impatient and stubborn lad, I need someone who’s patient with me.
LOYAL. PLEASE. Ive got major trust issues, so I’d like a partner that I KNOW I can trust.
Someone fun to be around! Someone that loves to be a lil’ goofball all the time but gets serious when they need to be (Like Mirio)!
I have SEVERE body image issues.. a partner who constantly reminded me that they love me no matter how I look is definitely a must have for me.
There’s not much I wouldn’t want in a partner, I’m pretty open to different personalities, but two that I wanna point out are:
Short tempered people. They are the worst. I should know, I AM short tempered.
I’m often misunderstood because of my ADHD (often VERY irritable, mood swings, short attention span, etc.) and I’m terrified of having a partner that would disregard that completely. Someone open-minded who will take their time to understand me would be nice!
Four main aspects of my personality:
I want to have friends and yet I’m a massive introvert. I want to make friends but the moment I try to talk to someone, I freeze up.
I like being able to watch out for other people. I’m like the mother of the group 😄
I’d like to think I’m creative! Mainly in arts and crafts, though. Everything else? Meh.
I worry about EVERYTHING. I’m the type of person that thinks that “whatever can go wrong will go wrong” so I’m constantly worried about the smallest things.
Two things I love to do are drawing and writing! Two things I hate are heated arguments with others (I get nervous when things get loud) and messy rooms. Seriously, I spend a solid hour everyday cleaning up my room in the morning 😭 I just can’t stand it being messy.
SUPER SORRY for writing the whole Declaration of Independence here, love— I just wanted to be as detailed as possible so you could have a more accurate idea of what I’m looking for. ^^ Thanks again for accepting my request! You’ve made my birthday a good one! ❤️
birthday match-up | cookie run, hetalia & my hero academia
happy birthday!
note : characterisation may be slightly off here because i haven’t watched hetalia or mha in a while, so apologies if that was at all the case (i also had to rewrite the entire thing because my tumblr app reset mid way through the hetalia section - sorry!!)
i matched you with…
Cookie Run
-> pure vanilla cookie
endlessly patient, empathetic and protective of those he’s close to, p.v would be the perfect partner when it comes to avoiding misunderstandings and offering any and all reassurances you may need in the moment. he’s unconditionally supportive of your passions and adores your creativity and he’s far from the type of person to stray from your relationship or get into any heated disagreement with you. p.v also appears to be incredibly put-together, so you wouldn’t have to worry about messy rooms with him. his reputation and endless patience would also mean that he’d be more than willing and capable of helping you with making friends and the surrounding struggle.
Hetalia
-> canada / matthew williams
although his prominent introversion would mean that he’d struggle with helping you make friends out of those you’ve each made independently, it would allow him to more deeply and genuinely understand you and your struggles in that regard - minimising the risk of you being misunderstood or being dragged into anything resembling a heated argument. he’s immensely loyal and patient with you and would be your cheerleader from the sidelines as you pursue your interests - offering plentiful assurances about your looks, personality and anything else that’s worrying you along the way. that being said, the goofier aspects of his personality would be quite solidly reserved for when the two of you are alone.
My Hero Academia
-> uraraka ochako
ochako is an incredibly friendly and positive person by nature, so you can guarantee that she’ll offer you endless support and reassurance when it comes to your passions, goals and her feelings for you. she’ll help you branch out and make friends without complaint and she’ll keep note of your concerns by avoiding raising her voice around you where possible and making great efforts to prevent any misunderstandings from occurring. another method she’ll employ to help you is by allowing you to work through the worries you have and helping you rationalise them without minimising or dismissing the concerns you have - and just generally supporting you in anyway you need her to. she’s also just an incredibly fun person to be around who’s not afraid to laugh and make others laugh.
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Hii, it's anon! Hope this new year has been treating you right 💖
I come bearing questions (which you might find really silly) but they matter a lot to me since I have periods of self-doubt. I actually have many questions but I'll just write down which I remember right now. I hope I'm not wasting your time by asking such silly stuff
1. I read a post which said, "If you can't believe in your own goodness, believe in others who believe in your good." And I think that's wonderful but what keeps me from applying that to myself is I end up thinking...."But what if they only see my fake or people pleasing self?"
Reason: My sisters and friends say good stuff about me all the time especially my elder sis because when she has disagreements with my parents, she gets really angry and can't explain herself well and that leads to fights. In those cases, I try to explain or clear the situation for her by making my parents understand her point of view calmly so that they can accept her decisions or at least, tolerate them. It works many times and other stuff like that. Even my little sister, since I'm the one she most relies on emotionally and also for her problems, she thinks of me as her important person.
I love them both and of course, I want the best for them more than I do for anyone else in the world but sometimes, my reason for helping my elder sis with parents is also because I want to avoid conflicts in the house. I'm in general a very conflict avoiding type person and I'm usually the first to back down if I can stop a fight. I sometimes have other selfish reasons too for helping them both or even helping other people too. Like, I try to be kind to many people and help them as much as I want but it's like....I feel like I have my own selfish reasons for it.
Like helping my sister with solving misunderstandings with my parents because I want to have peace at home and don't want any of us to fight or hate each other. I help my younger sister but sometimes I feel like it's just because I want her to keep admiring me or something. I mean she says she looks up to me....so I don't want to change that perspective of hers so I try to live upto it so she would keep admiring me.
Sometimes I feel like I help certain people just so they would like me or love me or want me around. Other times, my reasons are even more selfish and sometimes even mean or cunning in ways 😭 like when I talked to an old acquaintance online for a day or two and said nice things to them about their hobbies (I do respect their skill though) but mainly, I only did it because I wanted some information about a person I knew that they worked with. Isn't that kind of rude of me?
Idk....does this make me a bad person?
So when someone says nice things to me, I can't completely believe them and end up thinking I don't really deserve their love, kindness or nice words.
Do you think I should believe them? Do I deserve to be loved by them despite me being like this? I mean, they don't know that I can be so rude/mean too. Actually, my sisters/cousins and some very close friends do know I can be mean too but they say they're okay with it because they think that I take small things very seriously. My sister says that these "flaws" I see in myself are actually very normal things that most people do sometimes and are not all that bad like I seem to think. But when she says that, I end up thinking, "but there might be specific things I did that even she might not like me for" (though I don't remember those things much but still)
Do you think I should believe it when others say kind things to me? Regardless of whatever mistakes or stuff I do or I've done? I mean, if they say they think I'm a good person (even if it's just because I'm nice to them), can I believe in that?
2. When I see people say stuff like, "You deserve to heal and move on. You deserve to focus on your present life and leave your past behind." I end up wondering, "But what about mistakes?"
Reason: Again,I just first want to mention that a lot of my "mistakes" are small things that I've made bigger by constantly dwelling on them and in some cases, they aren't even "mistakes" maybe but after thinking too much about certain actions of mine from too many negative perspectives, I end up feeling like any xyz action was actually a mistake. The negative perspectives are mainly things I read/get triggered by reading on social media. One example would be my pedo worry (related to me and my cousin kinda crushing over a 13/14 year old drum player in our school when we were 17 though it was very similar to being kinda obsessed in a artist-fan sort of way) that I was going crazy worrying about last time.
So what I want to ask is in either or any scenario actually, if I want to move on, can I simply do that? I mean, suppose someone made a mistake and kinda hurt someone 5 or 10 years ago or maybe even before that.....and they suddenly start feeling guilty for it (or for any other mistakes), do they deserve to heal or leave it behind without apologising now?
Like....if we think about it, we might have made many mistakes (some very big, some small and some very small) which may or may not involve other people. Something as small as saying something wrong about someone to your friends despite knowing it's false information. It's rude to do that or gossip about stuff like that and it might be a once thing that everyone most probably forgot about completely. But even so, if we did that, do we deserve to clear it up with our friends or even that person we talked wrong about (like told misinformation about them to our friends) even though it was months/years ago?
These sorts of very minor things....minor mistakes, I might not realise them when I make them but I have a good memory so I end up remembering random mistakes and the most important question that pops up in my mind is,
"Can I leave it behind or stop thinking or worrying about it without doing anything about it?" As in, if I remember a mistake (most of which are small but end up seeming very terrible because I dwell too much on them), can I do nothing but laugh it off and remember to try to do better next time? Simply just that?
Can I move on and heal and stop thinking about it just like that? Do I deserve it?
Also, for any mistake, especially in case of big mistakes, even if someone doesn't apologise (due to reasons like it's too old or from years ago), do they still deserve love, compassion and kindness? Do they still deserve to move on?
Idk I just have this doubt.....of wondering if mistakes (big or small) make us undeserving? Especially if a person doesn't apologise but still tries to do better (in case of the bigger mistakes), then can they move on?
It's like..... I've developed this weird idea that if I remember a mistake, I feel like I should feel guilty if I do nothing about it and just move on? As if, not thinking too much about it or not dwelling on it and simply moving on seems like a privilege or unfair thing to me.
And honestly, I hate that idea. Because why can't I heal and move on with my life? But I also think, isn't it unfair to simply be happy and forget about it?
But then that's just me because I know from experience that a LOT of people don't put too much weight or even think much about their mistakes especially old ones, unless they were REALLY major mistakes.
Because for me, I know that a lot of times, it's the overthinking and all the what ifs that make me think of certain things as mistakes when they were probably not. Even more so because I have a negative view of myself. I see myself in a negative light, so when I remember a random action of mine, my mind goes "you definitely meant the worst thing for that xyz person" but I try to rationalise like...."no I might have selfish reasons but I didn't ever directly mean anything worse for them" and so the mind starts making me see that same action from a hundred different sides until I end up feeling like I did something terrible 😭
That is why, I ask those questions to you. There's no way other people don't make any mistakes and never mean anything selfish or bad....everyone has their low moments when they do stuff due to certain reasons. But they can move on and focus on their present. Many times they might not even apologize because they might not realise their mistakes or by the time they do, a long time might've passed. In those cases, people can let go and move on and stop thinking about it.
And I can understand and support others when they want to do better and move on regardless of the condition, no matter how bad it is and when I say nice things to someone, I don't wonder "what mistakes they might have made" or if "they're a good person" etc. I simply do it for no reason many times or for selfish reasons sometimes. But even if I do have selfish reasons, I've never thought that someone didn't deserve the good things I said to them because I feel they always do regardless of their mistakes, whether they apologised or not, etc.
But when it comes to me, I end up getting all confused and down 😭
Can I do that? Do I deserve to? Even at my worst moments, do I deserve the love and care from myself and others? Can I accept other's love and kindness without doubting or judging myself for my mistakes? Without wondering "what they would think if they knew" about it?
Can I let go of the past and simply treat those mistakes as old silly memories and leave them be? Do nothing and move on? Just like that? Just try to heal myself and focus on the present without any need to feel guilty?
Because it's almost like I feel guilty about the idea that "I can move on, let go of the guilt and move on."
I see people talk about things like, "Self-love also means letting go of thoughts, actions, feelings and behaviours that no longer serve you." But what if my thoughts are about my mistakes? Or random actions from the past that "might" be mistakes or might not? Does it still apply? Can I still let go?
In other words, does the "kind" of thought/feeling/action it is, change the situation? Or can I still let go and be compassionate towards myself and heal and move regardless? Idk when I see someone say things like "you're worthy no matter what" it just sends me into a overthinking spiral of wondering what the limits of that "no matter what" are. Can I believe it REALLY no matter what?
Something like that......idk I just think too much I guess
But I'd like to get your stance on this and what I should be doing about thoughts like those
I'm really sorry for this vent and all the silly questions.....you can just answer them together if you want....or just ignore too if it's too much!
Also, thank you so much as always! 🫶
Hey Anon,
Happy New Year! Nothing you ever ask me is a waste of time, so please don't say such things!
I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting to keep the peace between your parents and your sister. I think that's a very noble thing of you to do, and I don't think your reasons for doing so come off as self-serving. Your intentions are in the right place and you seem to have the gift of being able to be the mediator between both sides, and for someone who says they want to avoid conflict, that's a brave position to put yourself in! I totally understand that you hate conflict and most people do. The fact that you take action to try and calm both sides is a really good trait because most avoidant people would probably just shut down and hide from the argument in the first place.
Do you think I should believe them? Do I deserve to be loved by them despite me being like this?
Yes. Want to know why? Because most people have the understanding and compassion that people are human and make mistakes. They are choosing to look at your positive traits as opposed to the negative, even if you feel like "if they knew this about me, they wouldn't", it doesn't matter! Also you should never ever have to DESERVE love. That would make love a conditional thing and love is something that was meant to be UNCONITIONAL. You don't have to earn it or be good enough for it, but unfortunately because of the way a lot of people treat others (conditional love) we feel as if we do have to do something to gain it. It's a really hard concept to grasp, but once you grasp it, you'll start to show love to yourself more and more. If you can give unconditional love to others, despite knowing their flaws, their mistakes, their pasts, etc., then you can do the same to yourself and others can show the same kind of love to you as well 🥰
Anon, you gotta let yourself be okay with the fact that you are human and you will never be perfect. That means that mistakes are a part of the process of being human. The most successful people in life have embraced this and actually use it to their advantage to get to where they are because each mistake and each failure is a learning OPPORTUNITY to do better and try something different to get them to the top. It's this idea of perfectionism that has kept so many people from achieving their goals because they think the stars have to align in just the right way before starting anything or that they can't pursue or enjoy the things they want because of something they might still be holding guilt/shame over from their past. Everyone has something to be ashamed of, but some people are better at letting it go than others. You have to reach a place where you're okay that you messed up many times in the past. You have so much life still ahead of you to get things right and to create a life you enjoy and where you're not burdened with "what ifs" or things that could be.
So what I want to ask is in either or any scenario actually, if I want to move on, can I simply do that? I mean, suppose someone made a mistake and kinda hurt someone 5 or 10 years ago or maybe even before that…..and they suddenly start feeling guilty for it (or for any other mistakes), do they deserve to heal or leave it behind without apologising now?
Yes, you can move on…and no one will judge you for that! At some point that is really all that's left to do. No amount of dwelling on what happened will change what did happen. All that's left to do is to acknowledge what you learned from the mistake and move forward with that tool in your belt. You can now approach life with newfound wisdom. If you find something you did that comes up for you to be guilty about, you can simply acknowledge the thought, challenge it, then let it go. "This thing that I did to so-and-so has me feeling guilt still, but I know there's nothing I can do about it. Yes, I regret what I did and wish I could have changed things, but I can't. Now that I know better, I know that I won't hurt someone/that person like that in the same way again." I'm sure there are times where you wish you could apologize to that person, but we're not always granted those opportunities. If it still weighs heavy on that heart and you see that person again, you can always bring it up, but a majority of the time we don't get those opportunities, so you just have to learn to be okay with letting it go and making sure the situation doesn't happen again with someone else.
Idk I just have this doubt…..of wondering if mistakes (big or small) make us undeserving? Especially if a person doesn't apologise but still tries to do better (in case of the bigger mistakes), then can they move on?
Nothing makes you undeserving. Again, humans make mistakes and if someone rejects you for that, that's on them. They're the one who lacks compassion because they're just as guilty. If people can't learn to forgive others, then they can't even forgive themselves. In those cases I usually just feel bad for people like that. I've become really good at forgiving others, especially when they don't apologize to me for hurting me. It's a skill that takes time, but it really just makes you the one most capable of understanding and practicing unconditional love towards others.
Even at your worst moments, Anon, you still are deserving of kindness, love, and compassion from yourself and others. You can absolutely accept that from others too without guilt because love was designed to be something given freely and without conditions, even if humans have us thinking we have to deserve it. It was never designed to be that way.
I see people talk about things like, "Self-love also means letting go of thoughts, actions, feelings and behaviours that no longer serve you." But what if my thoughts are about my mistakes? Or random actions from the past that "might" be mistakes or might not? Does it still apply? Can I still let go?
But do those thoughts serve you? Do they really? Or are you tearing yourself down because you still can't accept the fact that you'll never be perfect or that you have to be worthy? Dwelling on the past only just keeps you there and not moving forward. Everyone has to realize this at some point or you'll just stay stuck obsessing over the things you can't control when the things you CAN control lie ahead of you. You can let go, Anon. It's okay ❤
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Superficial rationalism
https://periodicoeducacion.info/2023/05/28/the-best-books-can-be-understood/
I’m going to take my time with this one, because it bothers me A LOT. I have met people like this and I don’t mind disagreement, but I do mind this level of lazy dishonesty presented as some sort of meaningful (and well-meaning) critique.
Italics are quotes from the “essay”
One of the best intellectuals of the twentieth century said that at first, he thought he did not understand the books of the postmodern movement, but then he realized that there was nothing to understand. Who? Why not say who? I mean if he really was one of the best…
The books that are not understood are full of elementary errors that are never corrected because they are not even read by those who buy them, and the few who do read them do not understand them. Sure, anybody who likes books will have a few at home yet to be read (like, me), but this is plainly false. And silly. You say people either don’t read, or don’t understand. So… how do we know the books are full of errors? And, not just errors, “elementary” errors, of course. Maybe they are not errors, but different ways of analyzing things? Must everything either be right or wrong? Is that not exactly the kind of thinking postmodernism puts into question?
Nothing is missed by not reading, for example, the books of Bourdieu, Foucault or Derrida. This is obviously just hyperbole.
Foucault always defended the decriminalization of rape and pederasty and wrote thousands of pages to justify this extreme sexism saying that all relationships, including sexual ones, are power relationships, both sexuality between adults and between an adult and a minor, both with free consent of both persons and with violence. Two things. 1) I don’t think Foucault wrote thousands of pages just to defend pederasty. Are we implying that was the point of his entire output? There is nothing else there? (But, hey, I never met Foucalt, maybe it was) 2) Here we see clearly the sort of “common sense empirical rational thinking” this person presupposes. And just using my common sense, I would say that societies, and people individually, are very complex. And looking back at the last century (or the last few centuries) I don’t think that kind of optimistic positive rationality is enough to understand all the horrors. You might not agree with Foucault’s thoughts on power, but it is one way to try to make sense of them. And “power” in Foucault is not a negative (or positive) thing. It is a dangerous, complex thing that can create or destroy. And “free consent”, if you really begin to dig deep (on the social or individual level) could be understood as a (albeit necessary) fiction; a simplification, something partial. Do we really know what we want, all of us, all of the time? Or, you could just ignore, say, all of psychoanalysis, and be 100% “rational” about everything always…
Many people buy his books or simply hear about them, if they read any of them, they do not understand them and end up putting Foucault as a reference of education and even feminism. Again with the “don’t read” thing… But, sure. I know a lot of people who, in my estimation, misunderstand Foucault. But there are also a lot of people doing really interesting work based on his texts. So… Is that not always the case with more complex thinkers?
Their disorientation is of such a caliber that they claim to be against child sexual abuse, and they have as a referent the greatest defender of child sexual abuse. Was he? Really? The no.1 ever greatest? Honestly I know little of his life, but it seems he really did a lot of bad stuff. But then, I think it’s worth reading De Sade, so…
The tactic of Foucault’s hooligans is to try to make those who read more and better than them feel insecure. When asked why they use someone who defends pederasty as a referent in education the only thing they answer is: you haven’t understood his work. First: “Foucault’s hooligans”? Not a bad name for a band! Second: Are you not using that exact tactic here? ( As in, “those who read more and better”) Adding, of course, the Ad Hominem parts.
Even books with a good intellectual level and with theories in favor of non-sexist values in education, if they are not written in understandable language, fall into elementary errors that are never corrected, and furthermore, those who claim to have read them multiply those errors. What is “understandable language”? Even if we ignore what postmodernism suggests here, how about normal common sense? Understandable for who? I would not understand an advanced book on physics or chemistry. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad book. It’s just above my level (and if I study, I will eventually understand it). You need a lot of preparation to “understand” Plato, Aristotle, Hegel, or the Tao te Ching, or etc. Is nothing missed by not reading those? And why this seemingly inevitable connection between “not understandable language” and “elementary errors”?
There are thousands of examples, but here I can only give a few. Even books of very good quality by very documented authors –as is Habermas’s Theory of Communicative Action– have errors that the author never corrects, like the concepts that he misinterprets in Austin’s Theory of Speech Acts or Parsons’s Theory of Societal Community. Would have been useful to specify what he misinterprets. Just saying he misinterprets is not helpful. Maybe it’s you who misinterprets. How can I know? Also, anyone can just claim “thousands of examples”. Also, why not an example from Foucault or Derrida?
Almost nobody notices it and it is frequent that some brilliant student, who knows more English and consults the Internet more, notices it and the professor corrects him believing that the mistake is his student’s, since such difficult books cannot be mistaken, and neither can the friend who brags about being an intellectual. Yes. Intellectual egos are a big problem in academia. I agree. But this is the case no matter the authors. (Like, just imagine being an important academic, maybe you are on some google list or something, and can thus dismiss a whole series of authors just like that, without any argument, and people should care because of just your authority).
Intellectually excellent books that contribute to the improvement of education and society are written in understandable language. Some. Not all. And again: What is that language? If I can’t understand a book in physics or ethics, is it never my fault? I don’t maybe have to study more?
Those who know a lot do not need distance, nor stages, nor to write in a way that cannot be understood. “Cannot”? By nobody? Ever? This is ridiculous hyperbole. And, if you understood nothing, where are the errors? How did you find them? Consider: What if you come to a tennis game expecting football? None of the action would make sense, be “understandable”. It is not therefore wrong. They are trying to do something different than what you thought.
On the contrary, they write so that everyone can understand them. Again, see above. Not everyone can understand everything at once. And humans are as complex as atoms or quarks.
That way, if they make a mistake, no matter how small, it is quickly detected, they are told about it and correct it. The conclusion is very clear: the intelligent thing is to read excellent and therefore understandable books. This is then a complete rejection of (most of ) postmodernism, and, also, modernism. A lot of things cannot be easily expressed. We need advanced language for some subjects. It’s hard and takes time, but you can do it. And not everything can be cataloged as either “correct” or “error”. A lot is just interpretation, which can be useful in some situations and not others. So that “error” might be the right thing in some other instance. I also find the insistence on efficiency and speed to be troubling. Is this all about being productive in a capitalist society? And since much of postmodernism isn’t, it is automatically suspect?
To sum up. This seems like productivity fetishism, which is part of the “transparent language” idea. Easily understood/digested, maybe because it doesn’t say anything you didn’t already know - fun fact, one of the big problems in academia, actually: not being “wrong” but repeating what is already known. But that transparency is, postmodernism would suggest, even more insidious, actually masking a whole series of presuppositions underpinning our current (capitalist, colonialist) order. Obviously the positive, optimistic, superficial rationalism is part of it: Everything can be known, everything can be measured, thus negating any actual real otherness (like, any non European kind of thinking). Difficulty can be productive here, forcing us to think new things (writing as not illustrating some idea, but as a tool for thinking), as well as helping us understand that we actually cannot understand everything, there can be no “total” theory.
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Some time back multiple people who I ordinarily respect started saying stuff like "police brutality is not bad because it's racist, racism is bad because it causes police brutality" and similarly for other stuff (from my recollection, economic inequality and the concept of meritocracy). I think that just because the latter claim holds (which it only does in a certain cases in the first place) doesn't mean the former does. The last time I brought this up I came up with an example but didn't really put much focus on it. So, in order to check whether my example holds up, please consider the following hypothetical.
There is an evil that occurs in a particular society that is a sort of tragic necessity, at the minimum possible level. The reason for this evil can be anything, it's not particularly important. We can imagine it as inexplicable but essential, as the Omelas child, or perfectly reasonable, like an extremely important and useful material being inherently dangerous to acquire or handle. Now, imagine that this evil is not distributed randomly or evenly among the members of a society, but rather that there is a designated racial or ethnic minority that this evil is exclusively or predominantly applied to. Is this distribution unjust?
There are premises the argument rests on that were sound. Racism does intensify police brutality and economic inequality and so on (though the causality is not so clean). Ending the evil would necessarily prevent that evil from being applied in a racist manner, while preventing the application of the evil in a racist manner might well not have any effect whatsoever on the existence of the evil (though this contradicts the prior point a little). The issue is that it goes a little too far, with eventually dramatic consequences. The problem is that while the basic evil being perpetrated eclipses the evil inherent in the distribution in magnitude, but that evil inherent in the distribution exists.
I anticipate the objection that they did not mean to suggest that the evil of the distribution doesn't exist at all, they just meant to claim what I said, that the evil is more significant in itself than in the distribution. Perhaps, but in that case it seems like a misunderstanding of the kinds of claims the argument was deployed in response to.
When someone mentions a particular evil being distributed in a racist manner, we can safely infer that they already think the evil is in fact an evil (and I want to clarify that I have personally experienced this argument being deployed at me in response to a basically incidental mention of racist disparate impact of an evil I was in the process of describing as evil in itself). Do we expect people to complain about a minority they sympathize with having a greater share of an innocuous or outright beneficial phenomenon? It follows that either they think the evil is bad and unnecessary (police brutality), in which case stating that it is evil in itself is clearly pointless, or that they think the evil is bad but inevitable/necessary (the dangerous material hypothetical), in which case stating that it is evil in itself does not really even seem to clarify the disagreement, since it refers to the point of agreement rather than the point of disagreement.
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ahh omg requests are opened !! can i request atsumu, iwa, kenma, and tsukki angst to fluff kinda thing where they get into a big fight and the boys blow up on the reader but make up at the end? pls make me cry but also go “💘🥺”,, thank you so much !!!
- 🧋
kiss and make up with atsumu, iwaizumi, kenma, and tsukishima
— m. atsumu
being with atsumu,, it’s no surprise that you two occasionally get into a few arguments here and there
they honestly range from the tiniest little, insignificant things from what to get for dinner to whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza aka things most people probably wouldn’t even bat an eye at
you were used to it considering how atsumu is, but his personality is what you liked most about him with how he’s constantly having you on your feet —never knowing what he’ll do next
they’re quiet funny at the end of the day and that back and forth banter is just another way you two show how much you care about each other
with that being said, no matter what you two are arguing about, it’s always lighthearted and not so serious
that’s why it honestly took you by surprise how atsumu’s typically nonchalant and teasing nature whenever you guys “argue” over something was something you’ve never seen before
very rarely did you ever see this man get incredibly angry and you’ve even seen all of his games where things weren’t going right
and perhaps that’s where the root of this argument started in the first place
dating a famous division 1 volleyball player who is well loved and respected, it’s hard being able to spend the proper time with him when he’s constantly travelling or getting recognized whenever you two are out on a date
you weren’t exactly complaining about this problem to atsumu after he came back from a tiresome and strenuous day of practice as you knew that it was going to be like this when you two first met
if anything, it was just a concern you voiced out that you obviously weren’t expecting him to solve with a snap of his fingers
“and what the fuck do you want me to do about it, (y/n)?” he snapped at you, venom coated his words like tar
you looked at him with widened eyes as a mixture of confusion and utter offense melted upon your expression
atsumu was notorious for using foul language on a daily basis, but never had he ever swore at you and it’s safe to say you like to keep that same energy with him
you scoffed at him, still a bit dumbfounded, “i’m not expecting you to fix anything over night, i was just saying.”
“as if i already didn’t know how hard it is to find time to spend together.”
“so, are you just treating me like an idiot now?”
it was late, you were tired just as much as atsumu was and you certainly weren’t in the mood to argue with him anymore
before you could even let him answer, you walked away from him and entered your bedroom withy a slammed door
you hated going to bed angry, but there honestly wasn’t anymore moral within you to even continue whatever leftover conversation between you and atsumu
perhaps giving time for something this to simmer until the morning would be enough to make sure your fatigue wasn’t blurring your thoughts knowing how dangerous misunderstandings can be
a few minutes later, atsumu enters the room, eyes scanning over your figure beneath the sheets as your breathing subsided
he thought you were fast asleep, but your mind was still awake and racing with the worse case scenarios. it made it so much more difficult now that atsumu laid beside you
he would wrap his arms around you, “i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have yelled at you.” whispering in a hushed, muffled voice. you could feel the way his lips pecked at you shoulder then up to your temple
you weren’t sure if he knew you were awake or not as you swore he could’ve heard your heart pounding
without uttering another word, you turn towards him, burying your head into the crook of his neck
you were just glad his warmth was still here
— i. hajime
you believe one of your biggest flexes within your relationship with iwa is that you two rarely argue or get into childish fights
sure, there were disagreements here and there, but most of them were minuscule decisions on what outfit to where that day or what restaurant you two wanted to eat at. most of which would be decided with a harmless game of rock, paper, scissors or nose goes lmao
other than constantly bickering with oikawa, iwaizumi isn’t really the type to get into shouting contests with you unlike with his best friend (most of which is started by oikawa anyway)
because of this, you weren’t really expecting to get into a fight with your boyfriend, and yet, it wasn’t like you weren’t used to him doing so
at the end of the day, you always ended up being the moderator of iwaizumi and oikawa’s loud back and forth banter if things got too rowdy
so never in a million years were you expecting oikawa to be taking your place at this very moment
poor dude doesn’t know what to do
he’s used to third wheeling you and iwa being all lovey dovey, but now that you two were in the midst of a midafternoon shouting contest, he’s completely dumbfounded
oikawa couldn’t help but feel bad for you as technically the whole reason why you and iwaizumi were arguing in the first place was because of him
long story short, iwa was sick and tired of oikawa flirting with you all the time despite only doing it to tease him
you were well aware of this as well, playing along with oikawa’s flirts just to tease your boyfriend
you didn’t see any harm in it as you made it very clear the moment you confessed to iwaizumi that you liked him and not his best friend (who you more or less saw as a brother over anything)
“listen, i’m sorry i was only playing around.” you apologize, throat already aching from the amount of stress you had already put on it
“if you were only playing around, then you wouldn’t be flirting with him everyday!” spat iwaizumi as he flickering a harsh look to oikawa who backed a good six feet away from you two (social distancing king lmao)
you honestly didn’t know what to say as a lump formed in your throat, rendering you speechless. granted, he had a point, but how couldn’t he overlook the way you only had eyes for him? the way you would “flirt” with oikawa they always tended to be backhanded, the way you would always kiss iwa after each of oikawa’s attempts to flirt, or how you would constantly remind him how much you loved him
it hurt slightly knowing how it was all overlooked by harmless teases
regardless,, it had to stop
before you could apologize once more and say you’ll stop, iwaizumi huffs, “just say that you wanted him the entire time and not me.” before walking away entirely
your eyes widened, turning over towards a distanced oikawa who had the same look of surprise before motioning a hand towards your boyfriend, “well, go after him!”
with missing a beat, you ran down the block to catch up to iwaizumi, spreading your arms and throwing it around him as you bury your face into his back
“i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have done that.” your voice muffled into his uniform shirt, “i only like you, iwa, you have to believe me.”
your hands that were firmly clasped together to prevent him from breaking out of your embrace was slowly pulled apart by iwaizumi, feeling his entire body turn to face towards you
“idiot,” he muses with that same embrace
— k. kenma
i don’t think argument are common between you and kenma
he’s probably too preoccupied with playing video games or sleeping to even bother starting a fight over mindless disagreements
you were glad that you didn’t have to deal with such burdens of fighting with your significant other, but at the same time, you believed that small disagreements in relationships showed just how much you cared for the other
it showed how they were looking out for you if you were to ever make a terrible decision, and yet kenma would only bat an eye at you and shrug whenever you ask him for advice
in the end, you’d end up fucking something up or get hurt
or whenever you’d ask your boyfriend what he thinks about a specific outfit, he barely spare your a glance before uttering the words, “yeah, looks great babe.”
it sounded almost crazy to say, but sometimes you wished for you and kenma to get into arguments sometimes
not ones so serious it would lead to a significant gap within your relationship, but rather the ones the led for you guys to communicate more
besides, it’s not like you guys communicate a lot in the first place
you first brought up this concern when you came over to his apartment to which he was (surprise surprise) still playing video games
you didn’t mind about his hobbies as that’s what he liked most, but sometimes you just wished he would give you the proper attention for once
“hey,” you’d call out to him in the dark room, shaking a plastic bag in your hand in the hopes it would capture his attention, “i bought takoyaki!”
and to your low expectations, kenma simply hums as he clicks rapidly at his keyboard
your brows furrow as you pondered to yourself, what will get his attention?
“i also brought my boyfriend with me!” you lied just to see if his expression would even change
and what do ya know, it doesn’t. it’s the same focused deadpan on his computer screen, “no you didn’t, your boyfriends right here?”
you were at the end of your rope
“then why doesn’t my boyfriend come over here and act like it?” you hissed, “last time i checked, boyfriends get excited whenever they see their significant other and not over genshin characters.”
now that was a bite to kenma’s ego as he finally pulled his eyes away from the screen and towards you. “what?” he says, confused.
“do you even like me anymore?”
kenma scoffs almost dumbfounded, “of course i do, how could you say that?”
“because i experience it everyday, kenma.” you confess, fighting to keep your heavy gaze onto your boyfriend as he approaches you. “every time i come by i always see you at your desk in front of your computer. you never greet me first and unless i verbally say something, you probably won’t even notice that i’m here.” you voice broke slightly
“i-i’m sorry, (y/n)—”
“do you ever stop and think of the fact that the only times we see each other if from me visiting you? if i were just to stop one day i’d figure we wouldn’t even have a relationship in the first place.” you sigh as you shook your head, “you probably wouldn’t even notice, anyway.”
almost immediately does kenma wrap his arms around you in a tight embrace, almost as if he feared that you would disappear if he were to let go in the slightest
he places a kiss on your forehead before resting his own against yours, “i don’t ever want to hear those words come from you every again, (y/n). i’m so so sorry, i’ll promise to be better.”
you melted within his embrace, feigning a smile from appearing as you quickly give him a peck before remembering that the bag of food you bought was still in your hand
“let’s start by eating before the food gets cold.”
— t. kei
unlike the rest of the previously mentioned boys, arguments are pretty common between you and tsukishima considering his nature
he’s constantly teasing and making fun of you, but all of which were just jokes not meant to be taken seriously and you were well aware of this too
it’s probably the main reason why tsuki found himself so enamored with you as you constantly matched his energy
you two were shockingly similar with your humor and your smugness, but the main differences between the two of you was you academics
it’s not surprise how tsukishima is always at the top of his class while you’re always at the bottom of it
considering this, the majority of your dates during the week with him are usually study dates or normal dates that end with the two of you either at the library or each other’s houses studying material for the following day’s test
it was clear that in order to date each other, you both had to have patience
you weren’t exactly the fastest learner and you easily got distracted with things around you that you’re honestly surprised that tsukishima’s nonexistent patience was still up and active
besides, he loved you. he had to understand your difficulties as most of the time you can’t help it, but at the same time his personality was like treading on broken glass
usually he had enough patience to last an entire two hour study session with you, but today was oddly different
nothing was going right with tsukishima’s day and he just got absolutely annoyed with every little thing from a person bumping into him in the halls to a stain on his uniform that you could barely even notice
right now, this was the tenth time he found you tuning him out and daydreaming
his knuckled turned alabaster from the pressure of squeezing his mechanical pencil. he huffed, trying to calm himself down as he rubbed his aching temples
“(y/n), were you even listening to what i was—”
“do you think giraffes know where other giraffes are from?” you interrupted him with another one of your mindless tangents, “like considering how the pattern of a giraffe’s fur depends on what regent they’re from, do you think a giraffe from southern africa could tell if another if from western africa—”
tsukishima was at his limit, “can’t you just shut the fuck up and focus for five minutes, (y/n)?” he shouts at you, “i swear, you wouldn’t be failing if you just listened for once.”
he huffs out in annoyance, completely ignoring the way the brightness in your expression fell into a frown
you weren’t mad as you honestly couldn’t blame him. having learning difficulties and a short attention span was burdening you boyfriend so much that he isn’t even obligated to be doing this for you
he was sacrificing his time tutoring you and you’re just wasting it
“i’m sorry i can’t learn as easily as you,” you mutter softly, picking up your things quickly
tsukishima gives you a look of confusion, “w-where are you going?”
“thanks for all your help, but i can’t keep wasting your time like this.” you say as you zipped up your backpack and left
the next day you walked to school alone. usually you would be walking with tsukishima and yamaguchi, but it seemed like even tadashi wasn’t there to wait outside your house either
you weren’t able to hide your melancholy as you entered your classroom, slightly glad that tsukishima and yamaguchi weren’t here yet to see your expression
it allowed you time to pull yourself together, and yet, that time alone was cut short as the two walked in
you briefly flicker them a look fast enough that they don’t notice, but long enough for you to see yamaguchi patting his best friend on the back with encouragement
tsukishima had something in his hands, but you were too far away to construe them
you looked back down to your desk, fiddling with you pencil and pretending as if you were thinking about what to write next
it was then did footsteps approach, arriving right next to you with a presence so unwavering
you gulped, hoping that it wasn’t who you thought it was as you looked it
of course it just had to be that one lanky boy with glasses and messy blond hair to be standing by your side
he was holding a stuffed giraffe and a small white box with string neatly tied around it
“i’m sorry for blowing up on you,” he bursts out his apology, “i know you have a hard time and i should’ve remembered that you can’t help it.”
he places the giraffe plushy and box onto your desk
“it’s an masai giraffe since i remembered you liking their unique fur pattern and i also got you strawberry short cake this morning before they ran out that’s why i wasn’t there to walk you to school.” tsukishima continues explaining, “i just hope you’re not angry with me.”
you felt a smile creeping up to your lips as you shook your head, “i could never.”
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So this is going to be a post for my personal blog, but since it does concern Puffy and her mcyt meetup, I’m also reblogging it on puffy updates.
Disclaimer
The reason that I’m writing is because I do know that some people in the mcyt fandom (whether it be on tumblr, twitter, youtube, reddit, tiktok, etc.) are quite young and see some of those content creators as role models. This post is mostly for those young fans that are easily impressionable. Nevertheless, if my words end up changing a content creator’s behavior about this entire situation, then good for them. But if they decide to carry on with their life as before, I won’t get upset. I don’t know them, so for all I know they may take extra precautions against the pandemic behind the scene.
Additionally, I will mention some individual content creators by name in the post. I don’t want any hate to be spread toward them. If by some chance they end up seeing this post, I want them to know that I highly respect each and everyone of them and that I don’t have any ill feelings toward them
Finally, sorry if this is long and not concise. I just feel like I need to get this off my chest, and it is two in the morning where I am.
I’m a young adult that is a fan of mcyt. As some of you on mcytblr may know, my favorite minecraft content creator is Captain Puffy. I love her content and personality, and I personally identify with her since we’ve shared similar struggles in life. That being said, I actually don’t agree with everything she does in her private life, more particularly with her decision to go to the uk and to vidcon (which is now canceled) during the pandemic. But once again, that is her decision, and even though I don’t condone her decision, I wasn’t going to attack her for it.
Yesterday evening, Gee Nelly threw a birthday party; Puffy had just arrived in the UK when she attended, and other ccs (like Minx, Niki, Wilbur, and Jack, just to name a few) attended. They weren’t wearing masks, nor were they socially distancing. Some fans found out that the party was happening, and they were rightfully upset, especially considering the fact that recently Tommyinnit had gotten covid, that VidCon got cancelled because of covid, and that London (and the UK in general) had seen an increase in covid cases.
Now, before I talk about my own opinion, I would like to clear up some misunderstanding that I’ve seen on twitter. For approx. the last four weeks, you no longer have to quarantine once you arrive in the UK if you arrive from the US and are fully vaccinated. In that regard, Puffy wasn’t doing anything against UK guidelines. Additionally you are no longer legally required to wear a face mask in the UK regardless on whether or not you are vaccinated. In other words, except if someone present was actually sick with covid, then no one was doing anything illegal.
Now, here is what I have to say about this. First of all, I could care less about restrictions and guidelines. Anytime I’m in public, indoors or outdoors, I’ve been wearing my mask since March of last year. The day I’ll stop will be the day that we’ve reached herd immunity, and we are nowhere near that.
However, almost no one think the same way I do, which kind of leads to my second point; I’m not surprised at the choice made by any of those content creators in attendance. I wasn’t expecting anything more from them, for the good and simple reason that everyone in my town is doing the same thing as them. However, this doesn’t change the fact that I’m disappointed in their decision and that I would have loved for them to think more critically about this and to realize that it wasn’t a good idea.
But relatively speaking, there is little importance in what those content creators decide to do during their free time. What matters more is how we react to it. This fandom is at a point where they look up at content creators as practically perfect in every way. So of course, when a content creator messes up, individual fans will react in one of two ways.
The first way is to replicate the content creator’s mistake. This is harmful to all since neither the fan nor the content creator realize that this action is a mistake. This eventually leads to the normalization of the mistake, and once someone else realizes that it is a mistake, it may be too late to fix it.
The second way is to completely shame that content creator for that mistake. This is also harmful for both the content creator and the fan. For the content creator, this situation is stressful since they may not fully understand what exactly they did wrong. For the fan, the existence of this mistake goes against this perfect image they’ve looked up to; this will feel almost as if the entire world collapsed, because in a way, their perception of the world did indeed collapse.
As a fandom, we’ve been going with the first way for a while. We’ve tried to justify Tommy’s vlogs, Ranboo’s trip to the UK, and the Karlnap meetup. Those of us that disagreed with this behavior (myself included) have decided to stay quiet and tried to be excited and happy for them. Now that covid cases are rising globally, that conventions are cancelled, and that content creators are getting sick, we decided to start being more vocal about our disagreement. Now, I feel like this fandom is slowly starting to react in the second way.
The main takeaway from this is that we should be holding content creators and ourselves accountable for their and our own actions, respectively. Both the fandom and content creators should recognize that we should start thinking by ourselves instead of listening to guidelines or popular opinion. Those of us that disagreed with the meetups and the vlogs should have spoken up since the beginning. We should also understand that no one, even the people we look up to, is perfect, and that everyone is allowed to make a mistake. And finally, we should also stop holding content creators to such high standards if we’re not also going to hold the rest of the world, including those around us, to those same high standards.
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Yuki Sohma: An In-depth Character Analysis
I remember getting this anime as a recommendation in summer almost 2 years ago. Right, when the reboot season 1 started. I was so engrossed in this that I can’t tell you. The theme of the series always made me keep at the edge of my seat. And yeah, as the title suggests, I got to admire him the most-
I know, many of you might think that I fell in love with his beauty after seeing him in the anime for the first time, but unfortunately, it’s a big no. I love the characters who care about others so much. And he is the perfect example.
Now, the point is, what makes him steal the top rank for me while most of the fandom is basically about Kyo and Tohru? Let me put down the points. But before that, grab your earphones or headphones, and play this song as you read about the things he has been through.
1. His selfless attitude
His kind nature shines throughout the series. We see in the beginning that it was he who discovers Tohru living in a tent. He welcomes her to stay in Shigure’s home, even after knowing that their curse is being put at risk and takes care of her fever. After she sleeps, he ventures out in the night to dig up her belongings. Even though he mentions that he had selfishly taken her just to rebel against the family curse, still this is replaced by his benevolent and sweet nature towards Tohru. As a result, their relationship is beautiful.
He also has helped her countless times, whether it’s taking her back from her relatives, or lending her hand to carry the grocery bags. These all moments define how pure their bond is and how both trust and care each other.
2. His willingness to sacrifice everything
This point actually reminds of Kasumi Toshiki from Romance MD: Always on Call. Even though he appears plain on the surface, he can go to any extent just for the sake of her happiness. One instance of this can be from season 2 episode 22. Kyo and Tohru seem to be in the hallway, with Tohru trying to grab the script from his hands. Just then, Yuki says whether they would give him way to go upstairs. It is obvious that Yuki would have seen the whole thing, but for her sake, he doesn’t interrupt. The line he says here is-
“You are precious. I look up to you. I cherish you because you provided for me what I desperately longed for.”
Now what did he yearn for? It was Tohru’s love and affection for him, which he didn’t get from anyone else, not even his mother when he was a child.
3. The heart-fluttering sweet moments and his character development
Ah! Thanks to the production for such sweet moments of Yuki and Tohru. Even if the ship is not canon, they will still remain my favorite.
In my opinion, this story actually portrays Yuki’s development in character more than any other thing. This is amazing. The boy, who was unable to let go of his dark past, the truth that he was after was covered with a lid, all are slowly untangled with Tohru’s compassionate nature towards Yuki. Unlike the fan club who adored him only for his looks, she sees him in a different, more friendly light, which mellows him up. What’s more, the once timid boy builds up so much courage within himself that he doesn’t get afraid of Akito anymore and confronts her face to face. The warmth he searched for, finally reaches him just like a soft feather, landing on his palm, giving a soft and soothing touch of happiness.
Let’s look at this background here. Yuki is surrounded by chinese bellflowers, which symbolize honesty, unchanging love and obedience. In his hand lays a white rose, which means, devotion, and innocence. The color white itself and his name are a symbol of peace and silence. This actually is an imagery for his character, and it resembles it truly.
Yuki had no intentions of getting on bad terms with Kyo. But it’s seen in episode 20, that Kyo shouts at him outside the banquet saying it was all his fault. Although he was small, but those words were like a heavy blow to him. What’s more, even when he comes back crying hoping for his mom to console him, she slaps him and warns him not to disappear again. (Noo... T^T)
(Kyo shouts this to him outside the hall.)
There is some fault with Kyo as well for this point. All Yuki wanted was to become friends with him. He yearned for the parental love and friendship which Kyo had since his childhood. But, the latter has the misunderstanding that Yuki had everything.
Yuki says this when he remembers that Kyo didn’t take the hat from his hand when he gives him. This makes him cry so hard, cause he was just a little child going through these painful things, all at once.
“There was something I wanted. Parents who would embrace me. A home I wanted to return to.”
(Yuki cries after being ignored by Kyo.)
Even though Kyo’s behavior initially compelled him to be like that, even though he knew that there is a lot Kyo was internally suffering from, but in episode 22, he just couldn’t take it anymore. Instead of debating, he stays silent and shows his most vulnerable and hurt face to Kyo, because he didn’t want things to end up like that between them. He didn’t want the person he admired to lash out at him every time, when he was at no fault at all, and still is the prey of Kyo’s anger and apathy. This only leaves Kyo speechless, making him break the window out of frustration. This part pains me a lot, because Kyo had at least someone he can throw out his anger and put the blame. But Yuki didn’t even had that.
There is again this pretty imagery here. Yuki, when looking at Kyo, is bathed with the sunlight. This symbolizes the change he has gone through and accepted it, which is really stunning to notice.
[The rest are in paragraph form from here]
Now that I have talked much about his positive points, let’s explore a hot topic which is often a reason of disagreement between Yuki’s fans and Kyo’s fans.
What are Yuki’s actual feelings towards Tohru?
I know that almost all the fandom here will say these feelings which he talks about is what a mother would give to his child. And this point strengthens a lot more as it was confirmed by the author. If that’s the case, then let me state my thoughts on this, which are opposite to the author’s.
Let’s again move back to episode 22 of season 2. In the first half, Yuki talks to Kakeru about his first meet with Tohru when he was a child. At that time, he was tortured so much by Akito, both physically and mentally, that he thinks that there is no purpose of his life, and he is not needed by anyone at all. With this thought in mind, he disguises himself with a baseball hat and runs away from the Sohma estate. After some time, he discovers Tohru’s mother, Kyoko, crying because she was missing. He suddenly remembers to have seen her earlier, crying in the street, and helps her to reach her mother. At last, he places the hat on her head and disappears. It is later seen that he has converted to his rat form, and cries on realizing that at least at that point, he was needed by Tohru, and his thoughts were proved wrong.
He mentions that he almost forgot to ask her name at that time. And when he again was hitting the bottom, Tohru approaches him in the high school, slowly building courage and giving love to him. He also discovers later that the girl, whom he once his hat was none other than Tohru. With things unravelling, their bond becomes stronger.
But, although he mentions that he had only motherly affection towards her and couldn’t see her in a romantic light, I still doubt the line itself.
“But she appeared before the hopeless me once again. To be with me, close to me. She even listened to what someone like me had to say. Time after time, she accepted me time and again. She’s beloved to me. Like how the sky feels so close, yet so far.”
This line, although somehow shows that Yuki is saved by Tohru every time he is in need of it, but it feels weird to say that he only thinks of her as a mother here. I mean, one can also feel like this if he/she is helped by a good friend, or a dear one. And Yuki also mentions that she is beloved to him. But, what about the last line? Doesn’t it sound like, he can’t reach her even if she was close to reach? Because this is the exact meaning. If we analyze word by word, then this makes sense, as Yuki had already realized by that time that Kyo and Tohru had mutual feelings towards each other. In fact, he says it himself that it dawned on him in the last episode of season 1 when Tohru chases after Kyo into the forest, the latter being converted to his monster form. And how could he not? This guy is mature enough to figure out anything. Then this would have been nothing.
One instance of this realization could be the beach arc episode 7 , where he says-
“I probably actually knew, in the back of my mind. What would happen if I opened the lid. What I must do. Thanks for always being willing to lend an ear. Thanks for always accepting my weaknesses.... You probably don’t know that you are the one who’s always saving me. You always shared your kindness, warmth, and joy with me. That’s why, I won’t lose. I will keep going forward, and keep believing.”
Tohru asks the exact thing which was going on my mind listening to that voice acting. Why did he look so sad there? And Yuki replies that she is just like the sky, very dear to him. Doesn’t it sound exactly like a confession to a person about what she did for you till now? Yuki already had realized that, and this is just a proof. He sounds sad, and he also compares her to the sky. The metaphor which comes to mind is that he is basically symbolizing that her vast expanse of kindness is just like the sky, which is so close, yet so far. Even if he wanted, he can’t keep her all to himself. That’s why he just says that she is dear to him. The way it is portrayed here, is just like saying goodbye before parting ways. Huh... I didn’t continue the season afterwards because of this scene. T~T
(Why, why did he cry after saying that she was dear to him....? Isn’t it right in front of your eyes? *sobs*)
And, if he only sees her as a mother, then what does this mean-
“I was so confused, not to mention incredibly embarrassed. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it, so I didn’t. I shut it away immediately. I stuffed those feelings down, teased and flirted like a normal guy with the girl he likes. But still, it felt wrong.”
It’s clear here. He had somehow developed romantic feelings for her, earlier. But when he realized it was not what he meant, and saw the gradual progression of Tohru and Kyo liking each other, he changes his mind, thinking that he might have been wrong the whole time. That the feelings he harbored for her weren’t correct. But when he thinks of her as a mother, he feels embarrassed. And it’s no different. Why wouldn’t anyone feel like that if it’s someone of your age? This implies that their relationship wasn’t a romantic one, but not a motherly one either.
Kakeru asks the same thing next. He says that maybe he has twisted his thoughts and feelings just after knowing that he had lost her to Kyo. But Yuki denies it saying-
“It’s not true why I feel like this. But, he properly sees her as a woman. He loves her. You can see it in his eyes. Her too. The way she looks at him... But I... I don’t want that! That isn’t what I want! I’d feel... so lonely. I am not willing to give up. I don’t know when to give up.”
(Such a pure boy... Just cried after saying that... )
Definitely as said above. He is obviously jealous of Kyo here. Not in a romantic way, but because he didn’t want Tohru’s kindness and hope she gave him to recede away. Even if it was like a good friend, he wanted to stay by her side. He is mature enough to see the bonds that she and he shared. And he is not the type to fret over getting rejected or anything like that. Moreover, you can already get a hint from the line that he approved of Kyo and Tohru. This always impresses me. The bond that these two have is so beautiful and unspoken, that it transcends romance itself.
Although this is probably half of my reasonings, I will stop here. Although I covered the most important ones here, but I wanted to discuss many other scenes too. Let’s keep it for next time!
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Whatever Happens....
My two cents on the whole Prequel-Gate ...
Warning: The opinions expressed are purely personal and have no bearing on any person and if they do it’s merely coincidental and are without intention. If you choose to read this, it’s solely at your own risk and the writer is not responsible for any consequences thereof.
Jared and Jensen have been at the heart of Supernatural for past fifteen years. J2 - along with the show have been the source of joy for everyone in the fandom. We’ve seen them grow up, seen their friendship evolve and seen the way they interact with each other. We fell in love with them, with the beautiful friendship they share, and their compassion and empathy and strength and understanding. These two beautiful individuals weaved their way into our hearts. Somehow, they’ve become a part of our lives. And we trusted them, like we do with any individual that is close to us in real life.
The end of Supernatural was bitter sweet for many of us, especially the J2 shippers. We could see our beloved show being ruined and we all thoughts perhaps, it was time to end it but secretly still wanted a miracle to happen and the story line to be back to its true canonical nature without the OOC story line that was being fed to us. Then came the announcement that Supernatural would end with season 15. Even if we knew the it was inevitable, it was still a shock. We have a saying back in my culture: “Whatever has a beginning, has to have an ultimate end.” And true to that, it was time for Supernatural to end. It doesn’t mean we had to be happy about it. After all, this was the show that meant a lot, personally to many of us. To see it coming to an end was painful, shocking, even heartbreaking. But we accepted it eventually because life must go on.
With end of the show, we had to accept another reality. To watch our lovely pair - Jared and Jensen- go their separate ways. For 15 years, there never has been a moment where J2 weren’t in each other’s pockets. We saw them refusing to acknowledge personal space, saw them making heart eyes at each other, saw them going on dinner and lunch dates, saw them living together, getting married the same year, saw them grow their family together, saw them living in Austin together, saw them doing campaigns together, saw them golfing together, saw them being there for each other, making each other smile, saw them having each other’s back. We practically saw their love blossoming - for some it was a unique friendship and for some it was more than that. I don’t mean to point anyone out here, but the bottom line is that everyone of the J2 fans saw an ideal relationship between two people we loved the most. We choose to believe in what we saw. And for us to suddenly see them being away form each other was hard to digest. It still is!
But we chose to believe everything was good, because we believed what our eyes saw. The way Jared and Jensen talked about each other in interviews even after the finale, the way they spoke at the virtual conventions, the way they interacted on social media and even the few instances of fans seeing Jared in Colorado exactly the time it was Jensen’s birthday, the way Jared knew about Jensen’s Soldier Boy suit before anyone else, and I could mention countless such instances that made us believe that the relationship these two idiots share was special and perfect. The kinda thing that can be called “made for each other.”
One fine day, we came to know not everything was as we believed it to be. It turned out Jensen did something by not telling Jared anything about it when the latter has been an integral part of the original concept. Everyone was beyond shocked. Each one of us felt betrayed, angered, pained at the way our beloved pair had a public fallout. Some chose to take sides and some decided to leave the fandom while others decided to be angry and disappointed in Jensen. There was despair all around and no one knew what was going on behind the closed doors. The only thing we knew was Jared was hurt and Jensen was the reason behind it.
I won’t go into the what, why and how of the whole fiasco, because by now, everyone has their own theories as answers to these questions. I have mine too. I see these theories as some sort of “justification” from our side to make sense of the situation. It’s not wrong because we’re searching for answers. We’re also searching for answers we will never get. (Unless either of the J’s decide to speak on it.) But there are a few questions that I feel are important to be addressed.
Do we have the right to feel angry and hurt over the issue? Absolutely Yes.
Do we have the right to take sides? Of course.
Are our feelings of hurt and pain that we resonated with Jared valid? Hell yes.
Everyone has a coping mechanism and the initial emotions or reactions were absolutely valid. However, it’s what happened later that has me thinking.
1. Do we have the right to know what happened behind the scenes? Probably but we would never. There lies the uncertain feeling of “how should I proceed from here?” and “How do I feel about it?”
2. Do we have the right to demand an explanation or an apology from Jensen? Absolutely no.
3. Do we have the right to throw vile words at/abuse the people involved? Hell no.
I would like to look at the whole thing in perspective. This has affected many of us and perhaps woken us up with a hard slap of reality.
For all of the 15 years, we’ve been fed with the “happy couple” image and for us, maybe the boys became the image of the “perfect couple with no issues” and when there was a very public spat between the two, there was a serious damage to our perception. This is where people didn’t know how to react. Many spoke out their emotions clearly, many were sad, confused and scared and many decided to be bitter. Few decided to leave I have no problem with it, I don’t judge, as I said earlier everyone has their own coping mechanism.
I feel like the issue is, as fans we are here to celebrate and have fun and not become entitled to know the truth or demand answers from the celebrities. Sometimes we forget entitlement is a delusion based on self centeredness. The demand to know what happened or the demand for Jensen to apologize in a particular manner cannot be the way we deal with the situation.
We need to consider the fact that the people we idealize, in this case J2, are also that - “people” or “Humans” to be more precise. Humans make mistakes. Just like we do in our everyday life. the problem with celebrities is, anything they do feels like “more than life” size. Even a small compliment makes us go “aww” and a disagreement/misunderstanding makes us go “Omg! They’re enemies.” It’s normal reaction because we hold them in the highest regard like “celebs/fan favs can do no wrong.” So, when this happened with J2 everyone had a reaction like this was the end or it has ruined it for me, or I’m done with this fandom. There were also a few reactions like anger and entitled demands. I always say false sense of entitlement always brings you doom rather than happiness.
The fact remains, Jensen disappointed all of us. A huge blow was dealt to the “happy couple” image and we all were left floundering. I was observing the reactions and I suddenly realized I’m far too much invested into the lives of two actors whose lives are already complicated. I mean, after the entire chaos, I too felt sad, angry and disappointed. It was upsetting me more that it should. Fandom is a space where I come to escape from real life. But if Fandom starts affecting my real life so bad as to make me upset, I felt like there’s something wrong. It shouldn’t be the reverse of what I would rather have the fandom to be, which is a happy place or the place where I go too relive my stress. And if the apparent relationship status of two actors affects me this much, it’s time to take a step back, evaluate and then proceed.
the other day, I was reading a twitter thread full of theories and according to the fans who was right and who was wrong and etc, etc, etc. I found, it shouldn’t matter to me to judge who was right and who was wrong. I’m in no position to judge who felt what, because in no way am I the party involved in the conflict. It’s a conflict between J2, who had some issues obviously and they manages to talk about it and even let us know that they are good. Now, I personally, felt like if the J’s claim they’re alright, then why should I doubt or even theorize about how their friendship has taken a toll. If someone tells me they’re fine, I usually believe them to be fine, unless I see something contrary to the fact. In this case, either of the J’s didn’t comment further on the matter and just as I was watching everyone calm down, other elements decided to jump into the muddy waters and splatter it everywhere.
The interesting thing about Kripke’s tweet was “assumption.” This word “assumption” is a very interesting word and has the capacity to blow up even the most calming waters. So, Kripke assumed, and then based on Kripke’s assumption, everyone else assumed. I’m just pointing out what happened, in no way am I justifying any of the J’s behavior. Just a thought. So assuming Kripke was right we assumed Jensen deliberately kept Jared out of the project and the issue escalated even more. Everyone was jumping the gun and then as miraculously Kripke has tweeted, he also deleted those tweets. Then came the damage control.
When Jensen and Jared had tweeted about the “truce” I thought the matter was supposed to be put to rest. Perhaps Kripke deleting the tweets and then Jensen going back to promoting his prequel was their way of brushing off the conflict and focusing more on what was more important to them: The Winchesters prequel. Another theory to add to the already existing million ones..lol.
Does this mean we should be hateful and abusive towards Jensen? No.
Our feelings of disappointment are valid but it doesn’t mean I have aright to be abusive at Jensen. No matter how he acted nothing gives me the right to throw abuse at anyone unless I’m the one who’s directly involved in the conflict. They way I see it, as a fan, I was hurt and caught off guard but I am in no position to judge either Jensen or Jared, especially when they say they’re alright. I decide to trust them. I choose to trust them, just I chose to decide they were the made for each other friends in the past.
There’s this another saying that I remember “To Err is human, to forgive is Divine.” It’s not as if either of the J’s have been flawless as a person. Everyone has some shortcomings and so do they. As a fan, I need to find the same level of “acceptance” that I do when I’m in the similar situation in real life. As a fan I need to accept that Jared and Jensen too are going to have some issues going ahead in life. Just because they are actors doesn’t mean there won’t be miscommunication or misunderstanding. They’re not perfect. They are bound to make mistakes. Just think that because this was a very public fallout, we came to know about the disagreement, try to think that in past 15 years how many times did the J’s had these disagreements and had to deal with them without telling us? No matter how huge fan you are, no one can ever claim that they now what goes behind the scenes in the celeb’s lives and same goes with J2.
We know what kinda place Hollywood is, and the J2 tinhats already have theories about bearding and stuff, and yet the J’s have remained positive throughout. There must have been contracts and papers and the “powers that be” who are involved in regulating their lives. It’s one of the many countless possibilities. We don’t know many things about their lives (even we’d like to claim otherwise). The information we get is just a 0.01% of what actually is happening. All we do is “assume” on the basis of their SM interaction or the way J2 appear in public. It’s all imagery.
They’ve been a source for inspiration for many. So, a public fallout doesn’t mean we should overlook the past. But we choose to look at it in a way that is suitable to us. Again, there’s nothing wrong with that. If some of us feel like siding with Jared, it’s all good and if some of us feel like siding with Jensen, it’s all good. It’s their personal opinion and no one has the right to judge them or call them out for that.
For me, I’ve come to a conclusion that the secured bubble that I was living in has finally burst and given me a chance to look at things objectively. No matter what happens in future, I’m here to stay as long as I enjoy the fandom. If I let it affect me more than is plausible, perhaps then it’s time for me to rethink about the power I give the Fandom over me. Because it’s my choice. I alone have the choice to either let the negativity affect me or see the positive side. There’s a saying that goes, “You yourself alone are your own enemy and your true friend. The choice is yours.”
If J2 claim to be alright with each other, then I choose to believe them. Reason is simple. Because it helps me find some peace. It helps me cool down my emotions and helps me go back to enjoying the little things in fandom that bring me happiness.
Don’t get upset with people and solutions because both are powerless without your reactions.
Let the drama continue....
After this, if you fell like unfollowing me, the door is always open.
In the end, whatever happens, happens for good. If it’s meant to be, then I’ll be the happiest and if it’s not, well, it’s beyond my control.
I love them both.
Peace and Love.
- A J2 fan.
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Hello! Thank you for sharing many great analysis posts. I'm rather new to this fandom and I only read some of your posts so I'm sorry if my ask is repetitive. So I came across this weird take on Levi today and I was surprised how some people degrade him in this way. The person said "Had Erwin supported the rumbling, Levi would've done it as well considering Levi as a character who has no backbone or foresight himself, and this is proven by the fact that killing Zeke by feeding him to a Jaegerist would leave Paradis unable to defend themselves with the founder" I can't disagree more with this interpretation because it's wrong in many ways, although I got curious about 2 things:
1) What do you think would've Levi done had Erwin really supported the rumbling (I know even that's impossible since Erwin would never do that but just in case :) )?
2) What do you think of the proof this person brought up? We all know Levi didn't kill Zeke in many occasions as he was prioritizing humanity predominantly; however, do you think since he suggested they could feed Zeke to a Jaegerist it confirms he was ok to doom humanity in the end? I mean perhaps he would've killed Zeke had he not been engaged in the explosion.
Sorry for the weird question. I absolutely disagree with the OP's viewpoint; but it made me intrigued at some point. I'd be happy to read your thoughts. Thank you :)
Hi there, and again thank you for the ask!
To answer the first question, in the highly unlikely scenario that Erwin would have supported the Rumbling, there's no way in hell Levi would have agreed with or supported it in turn. The only reason Levi chose to follow Erwin in the first place was because he believed wholeheartedly in Erwin's altruistic vision of freedom for humanity.
It was Erwin's speech to Levi about fighting FOR humanity that drove Levi to join the SC, because he believed fully then in Erwin's ability to lead humanity to salvation. At the same time, there are multiple instances throughout the manga and anime of Levi showing blatant frustration and even anger at Erwin for some of the choices he makes, showing clear disagreement, and discomfort with some of Erwin's plans, so this notion that Levi can't think for himself and can't make his own choices is absurd. He chooses to follow Erwin because he believes in Erwin's good intentions and ability to lead. Levi's entire motivation is to save people. That's who he is. He follows Erwin because he believes doing so will help to save the greatest number of people. He wants, in every battle situation, to protect and keep alive as many of his fellow soldiers as he can. He's the most humanistic character in the entire series, showing a greater appreciation for the value of human life than any other. To not see this about his character is to show a gross misunderstanding of who he is as a character.
As to your second question, whoever this person is that made this "point" about Levi killing Zeke and feeding him to a Jeagerist being tantamount to dooming humanity, they left out the most important part of that plan, which is that he thought, once Historia had given birth, she could then herself eat the Yeagerist, and thus create the same situation between Zeke and Eren of being able to join together, only obviously, Historia would have been infinitely more reliable and trustworthy an ally than Zeke. Levi wanted to feed Zeke to a Yeagerist only temporarily, because he wasn't go to force a pregnant woman to turn into a Titan and eat Zeke. Levi wasn't willing or trying to doom humanity, he was working with what he had in a desperate situation. He knew he couldn't trust Zeke, and he wasn't sure as to Eren's true intentions, so he chose, wisely I think, to put more faith in Eren, someone who had been a trusted ally and fellow soldier for five years, over Zeke, someone who had done nothing but lie up to that point, and killed countless numbers of his comrades, including one of his best friends in Erwin. Levi had zero reason to trust Zeke, and he was right not to, because Zeke was planning his own form of genocide, the same as Eren.
Anyway, hope that answers your questions and thanks again for asking!
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What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by: Haruki Murakami
"No matter how mundane some action might appear, keep at it long enough and it becomes a contemplative, even meditative act.”
“If you don’t keep repeating a mantra of some sort to yourself, you’ll never survive.”
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
“The hurt part is an unavoidable reality, but whether or not you can stand any more is up to the runner himself.”
“To keep on going, you have to keep up the rhythm. This is the important thing for long-term projects. Once you set the pace, the rest will follow.”
“Failure to reach that bar is not something you can easily explain away. When it comes to other people, you can always come up with a reasonable explanation, but you can’t fool yourself.”
“so I learned the importance of being with others and the obvious point that we can’t survive on our own.”
“but the world is made up of all kinds of people. Other people have their own values to live by, and the same holds true with me. These differences give rise to disagreements, and the combination of these disagreements can give rise to even greater misunderstandings. As a result, sometimes people are unfairly criticized. This goes without saying. It’s not much fun to be misunderstood or criticized, but rather a painful experience that hurts people deeply.”
“As I’ve gotten older, though, I’ve gradually come to the realization that this kind of pain and hurt is a necessary part of life. If you think about it, it’s precisely because people are different from others that they’re able to create their own independent selves.”
“Emotional hurt is the price a person has to pay in order to be independent.”
“I think in my own way I’m aware of this danger—probably through experience—and that’s why I’ve had to constantly keep my body in motion, in some cases pushing myself to the limit, in order to heal the loneliness I feel inside and to put it in perspective. Not so much as an intentional act, but as an instinctive reaction.”
“I’m the kind of person who has to experience something physically, actually touch something, before I have a clear sense of it. No matter what it is, unless I see it with my own eyes I’m not convinced. I’m a physical, not intellectual, type of person.”
“Sometimes it takes too long, and by the time I’m convinced, it’s already too late. But what’re you going to do? That’s the kind of person I am.”
“Up till then, it had been a question of sheer survival, of keeping my head above water, and I didn’t have room to think of anything else. I felt like I’d reached the top of some steep staircase and come out to a fairly open place and was confident that because I’d reached it safely, I could handle any future problems that might crop up and I’d survive.”
“I’m the kind of person who has to totally commit to whatever I do. I had to give it everything I had. If I failed, I could accept that. But I knew that if I did things halfheartedly and they didn’t work out, I’d always have regrets.”
“Whenever I was able to do something I liked to do, though, when I wanted to do it, and the way I wanted to do it, I’d give it everything I had.”
“I’m struck by how, except when you’re young, you really need to prioritize in life, figuring out in what order you should divide up your time and energy. If you don’t get that sort of system set by a certain age, you’ll lack focus and your life will be out of balance.”
“Life just isn’t fair, is how it used to strike me. Some people can work their butts off and never get what they’re aiming for, while others can get it without any effort at all.”
“In other words, let’s face it: Life is basically unfair. But even in a situation that’s unfair, I think it’s possible to seek out a kind of fairness. Of course, that might take time and effort. And maybe it won’t seem to be worth all that. It’s up to each individual to decide whether or not it is.”
“Human beings naturally continue doing things they like, and they don’t continue what they don’t like. Admittedly, something close to will does play a small part in that. But no matter how strong a will a person has, no matter how much he may hate to lose, if it’s an activity he doesn’t really care for, he won’t keep it up for long. Even if he did, it wouldn’t be good for him.”
“The most important thing we ever learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.”
“I don’t think we should judge the value of our lives by how efficient they are.”
“I figured, it’s sometimes hard to avoid losing. Nobody’s going to win all the time. On the highway of life you can’t always be in the fast lane. Still, I certainly don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over. Best to learn from my mistakes and put that lesson into practice the next time around. While I still have the ability to do that.”
“Being young means your whole body is filled with a natural vitality. Focus and endurance appear as needed, and you never need to seek them on your own. If you’re young and talented, it’s like you have wings.
In most cases, though, as youth fades, that sort of freeform vigor loses its natural vitality and brilliance. After you pass a certain age, things you were able to do easily aren’t so easy anymore”
“As I’ve grown older, I’ve naturally come to terms with this. You open the fridge and can make a nice—actually even a pretty smart—meal with the leftovers. All that’s left is an apple, an onion, cheese, and eggs, but you don’t complain. You make do with what you have. As you age you learn even to be happy with what you have. That’s one of the few good points of growing older.”
“If something’s worth doing, it’s worth giving it your best—or in some cases beyond your best.”
“Which is exactly why even though people say, “He’s no artist,” I keep on running.”
“You have to wait until tomorrow to find out what tomorrow will bring.”
“Maybe the only thing I can definitely say about it is this: That’s life. Maybe the only thing we can do is accept it, without really knowing what’s going on.”
“Like most of the troubles in life it came on all of a sudden, without any warning.”
“Experience has taught me this: You’ve done everything you needed to do, and there’s no sense in rehashing it. All you can do now is wait for the race. And what instinct has taught me is one thing only: Use your imagination.”
“In most cases learning something essential in life requires physical pain.”
“But in real life things don’t go so smoothly. At certain points in our lives, when we really need a clear-cut solution, the person who knocks at our door is, more likely than not, a messenger bearing bad news. It isn’t always the case, but from experience I’d say the gloomy reports far outnumber the others. The messenger touches his hand to his cap and looks apologetic, but that does nothing to improve the contents of the message. It isn’t the messenger’s fault. No good to blame him, no good to grab him by the collar and shake him. The messenger is just conscientiously doing the job his boss assigned him. And this boss? That would be none other than our old friend Reality.”
“As you get older, though, through trial and error you learn to get what you need, and throw out what should be discarded. And you start to recognize (or be resigned to the fact) that since your faults and deficiencies are well nigh infinite, you’d best figure out your good points and learn to get by with what you have.”
“In order to get there you have to stubbornly, rigorously, and very patiently tighten all the screws of each individual part. This takes time, of course, but sometimes taking time is actually a shortcut.”
“It’s precisely because of the pain, precisely because we want to overcome that pain, that we can get the feeling, through this process, of really being alive—or at least a partial sense of it.”
“Whether it’s good for anything or not, cool or totally uncool, in the final analysis what’s most important is what you can’t see but can feel in your heart. To be able to grasp something of value, sometimes you have to perform seemingly inefficient acts. But even activities that appear fruitless don’t necessarily end up so”
“From out of the failures and joys I always try to come away having grasped a concrete lesson.”
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The Critique of Manners: Part III
~Or~
A Somewhat Indecisive Review of “Emma” (Miramax, 1996)
I have a feeling this review is gonna be a little harder for me to write. Everyone knows that recaps and reviews are most entertaining when the writer has an intense dislike (or intense feeling of any kind) for the drama they’re reviewing. It falls to other writers to pan or praise this film as they will, but I simply don’t have many particularly strong feelings about it at all. I have neither that repulsed dislike for this movie such as I did for Emma 1997, nor that disappointed frustration as for certain aspects of Emma. 2020, but neither do I have a deep, profound love and appreciation for it as I do for Emma 2009.
Written and Directed by American Screenwriter, director and actor, Douglas McGrath, Emma (1996) is rather what one expects it to be: a 90’s romance film. Perhaps it’s because I had expectations due to the era in which it was made, but I think I have a tendency to excuse some of the problems with this film. There are many unnecessary additions (for comedy’s sake usually and often quite cringe-y) and one definitely can’t claim that the dialogue hasn’t been tampered with. I don’t normally side with the “I do so miss Austen’s biting wit” crowd but, by ‘eck I felt it this time. That’s because Austen’s Biting Wit™ just doesn’t suit a fluffy 90’s chick flick (which this film is in a way that other big screen Austen adaptations of the time just aren’t – and I think approaching this film from the 90’s chick flick perspective is probably the best way to digest it.) This version, more than any other (except perhaps 2009) brings the concept of Emma-as-Matchmaker to the fore with a particular emphasis precisely because it’s a concept that fits well with the rom-com style of filmmaking used here.
The bones of this review, like my review for the ITV version, were written six years ago following my initial viewing only a select number of portions survive from that review (which is still on IMDb).
As with all my reviews I'll be comparing the script, characterizations and plot to the book and commenting on the authenticity and attractiveness of the costumes, and suitability of the houses and sets.
Let’s dive in.
Cast & Characterization
Emma is arguably the easiest of Austen’s works to read because of Emma’s generally good (if condescending and overly self-confident) character, and Mr. Knightley’s sober, mature but exceedingly pleasant manner. I had my doubts about Gwyneth Paltrow playing an Austen heroine, but I at least had faith in Jeremy Northam’s ability to portray the mature Mr. Knightly. My expectations were not entirely disappointed in either case.
My prevailing feeling about this film is that it’s not so much set in Jane Austen’s Regency England, but in an American fantasy of what Regency England was like. Perhaps the biggest factor that reinforces this impression is (of course) the casting choice for our leading lady, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Freckled, ruddy and thin as a twig, Gwyenth didn’t quite, to my mind, fit the physical description of Emma, who is supposed to be “The picture of health” according to Mrs. Weston. Add to this the Regency beauty ideal of a soft and shapely figure with regular features. Fair hair was generally preferred (and I have always imagined Emma as blond, although I’m given to understand that Austen’s idea of pretty generally favored dark hair), so I can’t fault Gwynnie there. What I can fault though is her so-so British accent.
I recently learned that the reason McGrath thought Paltrow would be a good choice was because she’s the only Texan he’d ever met who’d managed to entirely throw off her native accent; I guess he decided that if she could do that she could do any accent work? I guess? Seems questionable to me.
You know Joely Richardson was considered for this part? Gorgeous, refined (British) GODDESS Joely Richardson was passed over because Gwyenth managed to shake an embarrassing accent.
I hate American directors.
I’m not sure if it’s just part of the accent, or her attempt to sound upper class, but on this most recent re-watch it hit me for the first time how very nasal many of her line deliveries are. She also has this problem with looking (and sounding) sort of vapid and… just what is happening here?
Is she having a stroke at the end there?
A bigger problem than Emma’s casting, however, is her characterization.
Part of the above mentioned script tampering is in lockstep with some of the issues with Emma’s characterization here. Her very teenager-esque swings from vowing to never make another match again to immediately trying to think of another guy to set Harriet up with, and her getting carried away in potential scenarios “But if he seems sad I shall know that John has advised him not to marry Harriet! I love John! Or he may seem sad because he fears telling me he will marry my friend. How could John let him do that? I hate John!” (Especially when you never even really get to meet John Knightley in this version? Ugh, pass me with this shit) is so bizarrely childish it’s a little hard to stomach. She spends the movie going back and forth between mature and manipulative to childish and naïve and it just… doesn’t work for me. Emma can be all of these things but the transition from one extreme to another here seems a bit disjointed to me.
Knightley was a bit of a disappointment to me in this version. That’s not Jeremy Northam’s fault because I can’t think of a better choice they could have made. McGrath showed much better judgment with his choice for Mr. Knightley than he did with Emma.
My biggest problem with this interpretation was how laid back he was when he was supposed to chastising Emma. Their quarrels became more like mere disagreements so the proposal line of lecturing her and her bearing it as no other woman would have isn’t entirely earned. Even in the big scene at Box Hill where Knightley is really supposed to lay into Emma, he starts off pretty solidly, but by the end so doe-eyed and apologetic it fails to deliver the sting of rebuke that is Emma’s biggest learning moment in the story. Perhaps they were trying to go for a more disappointed feel (the kind that makes you feel worse than being shouted at because you really respect the person you let down) but it just didn’t come through for me.
Also of note is the fact that, (I assume) because John Knightley isn’t really allowed time to be a character in this film, McGrath took some of John’s introverted tendencies and transplanted them into his more convivial older brother (“I just want to stay home, where it’s cozy.” – I mean I feel that, but this isn’t something George Knightley would say.)
Onto the less central characters
I question also the choice of Toni Colette for Harriet Smith. I mean I actually liked her performance more on this watch than previously but I just don’t think she’s pretty enough for Harriet, and she looks a bit clumsy (though that might have more to do with her costumes.)
I also noted that McGrath bumps Harriet’s comprehension skills up just a scooch. Emma never has to explain the “Courtship” riddle to her, Harriet figures it out on her own after a while, while she never manages to in the book.
Now we come to the crux of Jane Fairfax, played by Polly Walker. I don’t care for this choice. My issue is the simple fact that she just isn’t believable to me as a demure, wronged character like Jane Fairfax. Seriously she looks like she would sooner throw Frank across the room than take his cruel teasing, and not in the subtle way that Olivia Williams managed to. They never even utilized her by including some of Jane’s more pointed returns to Frank’s jabs, which they even managed to squeeze into the massively cut down TV movie.
Speaking of Frank; Ewan McGregor, though generally delightful, was so under-used. Frank and Jane’s plotline always kind of gets shafted in Theatrical release adaptations of this story. It’s not as bad here as it is in say, the 2020 adaptation (they were in that version so little I actually forgot what their actors looked like), but it’s still pretty stunted.
I find it interesting that Ewan McGregor himself thinks his performance in this movie isn’t good; and I’ll agree it’s not his best (certainly it’s no Obi-wan Kenobi) but I thought he did a pretty good job with obviously unfamiliar material
Also if the Davies screenplay of ’97 made Frank’s character too caddish, I think this version didn’t make him caddish enough. I mean he’s hardly around enough to really develop his flirtation with Emma, and they merged Strawberry Picking and Box Hill into one sequence so we never see Frank’s ill humors. I can perhaps excuse this, since it seems like a nuanced story really wasn’t what McGrath was going for here, I think. This is a lite version of the story; schmaltzy fluff for teenage girls’ movie nights. Frank’s ill humors wouldn’t really have fit the tone of this version at all.
Interestingly enough, though it’s taken me a long time to make this decision, I think Alan Cumming might be the definitive Elton? He’s the only one who doesn’t immediately read as a slime ball from the get go. I mean he’s got all the warning signs that Austen wrote into him, but no more than that. He’s not slinking about greasily or obviously pandering (at first), so Emma’s uneasy realization of what’s really happening here isn’t a hundred miles behind the viewer’s (maybe just fifty).
There are as many Mrs. Eltons out there as there are adaptations of this story, and they’re all pretty great (funky accents aside), but other than the 1997 take, this one might be the least great to me. She’s not nearly pushy enough, because Mrs. Elton would never let Emma prompt the conversation when she could do it herself.
Also, I think McGrath misunderstands Mrs. Elton’s brand of New Money vulgarity. He has her talking with her mouthful, clanking her utensils on her plate as she eats, putting biscuits which she’s bitten into back onto communal plates, which I think even Mrs. Elton would know not to do. Table manners are pretty basic; the couth that Mrs. Elton lacks is of a more nuanced social kind – for instance, what is and isn’t considered gauche to talk about (like how big one’s brother in law’s house is or how many horses he keeps.)
(A sudden thought has just occurred to me: is Mrs. Elton just a more mean-spirited Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances? “It’s meh sister, Mrs. Suckling! That’s right, the one with an estate in Warwickshire and the two barouche landaus!”)
Sophie Thompson’s Miss Bates is chatty and one of better takes on the character, but lack of necessary background hinders her impact on Emma’s story. The comedy in her scenes is some of the best and actually made me laugh, although I think she was just way too giggly.
Miss Bates’s mother, Mrs. Bates, is played by Sophie Thompson’s real-life mother Phyllida Law in a completely coincidental quirk of casting. (I noted in this film how very much Emma Thompson, Sophie’s older sister looks like their mother.)
My only other serious issue with characterization in this adaptation is the representation of Mr. Woodhouse. He is somehow simultaneously more cheery and more disagreeable than he is in the book. His chiding about the cake at the Weston’s wedding seems more like a scolding rather than an anxious admonishment. In one of the first scenes, during Mr. Woodhouse’s “Poor Miss Taylor” speech, he says he cannot understand why she would want to give up her comfortable life with himself and Emma, to have “mewling children who bring the threat of disease every time they enter or leave the house,” and he says this IN FRONT OF ONE OF HIS TWO DAUGHTERS.
Of course in the book, Mr. Woodhouse does lament Miss Taylor marrying, leaving and even having children – but this is all in the context of the danger childbirth presents to Miss Taylor (And the fact that he can’t stand losing a companion). These are his complaints – not the children themselves. In addition, his elder daughter has quite a fine number of children, all of them very young, of whom Mr. Woodhouse is very fond. He’s a character that needs to be carefully handled because, much like his daughter, it’s very easy for him to become unlikeable.
For the rest of the time, though, he just sort of cheerily laughs and is very at ease, when Mr. Woodhouse, as a chronic hypochondriac should be made anxious by just about everything.
Sets & Surroundings
One thing I find interesting about this adaptation is that the houses they chose to use are all of a very neo-classical Palladian style, which I believe (given her disdain for the contemporary trend of knocking down England’s great houses just to rebuild them in a more fashionable style) Austen may have disliked to some degree.
One such house is Came House in Dorset, which was used as the Woodhouse’s estate, Hartfield. Now Hartfield is, I think, described as a well-built modern house so this could be pretty accurate (although Modern could refer to the red bring, boxy style of Georgian architecture, such as the houses used in the 1997, 2009 and 1972 versions.)
Another, Claydon House in Buckinghamshire played the role of Donwell Abbey. I think this might be the worst exterior ever used for Donwell, from a book accuracy perspective. Utterly Georgian, with its’ square façade, Claydon house sort of directly contradicts Austen description of being “Larger than Hartfield, and totally unlike it, covering a good deal of ground, rambling and irregular…” not only is the architecture totally wrong, so is its’ situation, in Georgian fashion, perched on a hill, when Donwell (a very old building) is supposed to be “Low and sheltered”.
Mapperton House is maybe the grandest house yet used for Mr. Weston’s Randalls (I’ve already covered in my review of Emma (2020) why this is a problem – although in this version, as in the 1997 adaptation, there’s no full panic over the snow, so this is less of a problem, but a house like this is still too grand for the reasonably sized Randalls of the book), but it fits the usual 15th-16th century house type that always seems to be used for Randalls.
A myriad of other great houses were used for interiors, however other than Crichel House (Dorset), which was used for Donwell’s interiors, I can’t find information on which ones where used for what. They include Breakspear House (Harefield), Coker Court (Somerset), Stafford House (Staffordshire) and Syon House & Park (Middlesex).
I really appreciate the interiors which were all very colorful and even included doors and molding painted the same color as the walls which is a very Georgian decorating convention, although it looks odd to the modern viewer.
Costumes & Hair
As a rule, the costumes (Created by Ruth Myers) in this movie are pretty damn good, composition wise, but the arrangement leaves a lot to be desired. Myers talked extensively of wanting the costumes to be colorful and bright like the water colors of the time, which she achieved brilliantly. What I find funny is that she talked about using color as if it would be controversial from a historical accuracy point of view, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
The evening wear is generally excellent
My only question around evening wear here is… what’s up with the waistline on Harriet’s ball gown? Why is it going up in the middle? Toni Collette (who actually gained weight for the role, since Harriet was described as “Reubenesque”) verged on looking a little dumpy throughout the film and awkwardly bumping up her waistline in the middle really didn’t help.
I’m pleased to report that is is the one version where Miss Bates’s evening-wear is allowed to look like evening wear. Even Maiden Aunts wore shorter sleeves and lower necklines at dinner or balls. They fussed her up with some lace gloves and frilly fichus but it follows the conventions of the time. I appreciate that immensely, though I have the sneaking suspicion that it’s because of Sophie Thompson’s age.
At 37 Thompson was an unconventionally young choice for Miss Bates, a character who previously had only been cast as older than 50 (Prunella Scales, who would play the role later in 1996, was 64). Indeed, Douglas McGrath almost passed Thompson over for the role on account of her age, but reconsidered after seeing her in spectacles. It seems possible to me that since Thompson was considered young they dressed her “young” as well.
The daywear is where the costumes start to really fall apart. There are a lot of looks here worn in the day that are VERY not day/outerwear appropriate, especially on Emma, most especially the yellow dress she’s wearing while driving that carriage (which, btw is inappropriate on a whole OTHER level). Can we just talk aboutt he cognative dissonance of bothering to put a bonnet on her when her arms and boobs are just hanging out like that? Like, it would almost have been less egregious to just leave the bonnet where it was.
But then there are a lot of Emma’s day-wear looks that are perfectly suitable and appropriate. What I find ironic about that is that most of the short-sleeved, low-necked “Evening-gowns as day-wear” looks are worn OUTSIDE in the sun and most of the long-sleeved, sun protecting, day-wear appropriate looks are worn INSIDE. She’s also got a profusion of dangling curls in day-time settings that are also more evening-wear appropriate (to match the dresses, perhaps?)
I’m also pleased to report that even in day-wear Miss Bates gets a break from brown in this version. Her clothes are nice, but not fancy like Miranda Hart’s in Emma. 2020, and I like to think that nice thick shawl with lace overlay is the one mentioned in the book that Jane’s friend Mrs. Dixon sent along home with her for her aunt.
My only problem with Mrs. Elton’s kit is that it’s all perfectly nice, but none of it is overly-nice. There’s no extra trim, no unnecessary lace, not even any bold colors. I hope Myers and McGrath didn’t take Mrs. Elton’s line in the book about her fear of being over-trimmed seriously.
Let’s talk outerwear. There’s a lot of going into town with JUST a shawl on in this movie (usually over short sleeves), and I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s how outer-wear worked in this time period. A shawl is good enough when you’re taking a turn in the garden but not for going out in public into town, unless maybe you’re wearing long sleeves, or perhaps paired with a SPENCER.
Never mind Mrs. Elton’s line about a shocking lack of satin at the end of the movie, I’m more concerned about the shocking lack of spencers. There are precisely three in this film. I counted (and the sleeves on Emma’s look like maybe they’re too long for her?) Mrs. Elton sports the only redingote in the film.
Jane Fairfax is, as always, in her classic Jane Fairfax Blue™,
although she has some nice white gowns at some points too.
Now, onto
Definitely a bit more colorful than the 97 adaptation. Mr. Knightley benefits most from the addition of colors other than green. He’s even got some smashing waistcoats and a very nice blue evening coat (I couldn’t get very good shots of them though). The problem is; those trousers? NOT. TIGHT. ENOUGH.
Also… you all see it, right? I circled it in red so you should. Yeah. Knightley is dancing in boots. WTF RUTH? Please! You’re better than this! Who dances in Prussians like that? I ask you! (Frank also wears boots to the Cole’s dinner party so that’s two strikes.)
I’m not sold on Frank’s looks. His day-wear is a bit sedate for such a confirmed dandy (I believe he’s called a “coxcombe” in the book?) and his evening wear… well he apparently only has the one look.
And speaking of Frank’s look in this film, I’d like to know at whose doorstep I should lay the blame for what Ewan McGregor himself has called “The Worst Wig Ever”; and why the hair designer in charge decided to model Frank’s aesthetic on a theme of “Chucky meets the Mad Hatter”.
This hairstyle not only looks dreadful, it’s not at all fashionable or authentic to this time period! Fashionable mens’ hair styles at this point were all relatively short. A Beau Brummel coiffeur, or a short Roman style, or a fashionable head of curls like Mr. Elton’s! Not this farmer chic. Robert Martin’s hair is more fashionable than Frank’s!
The tune they chose for Emma and Knightley’s dance is a baroque melody (so a hundred or so years out of fashion) called “Mr. Beveridge’s Maggot” and as is pointed out in the video linked above, and is the same tune and dance used for Lizzie and Darcy’s big dance in Pride and Prejudice (1995).
I get why it was used in P&P because, slow, stately baroque tunes are often used as on-screen short hand for snobbish character like Mr. Darcy. It’s not super intense either, like the baroque tune used in P&P 05, which was chosen for more romantic effect. So why use this kind of “stuck up” tune for what should be a romantic dance? Maybe because it was used in the 95 P&P which became, almost instantly, one of the most popular Austen adaptations?
Quick note on the dancing and music in this movie. I’m not an expert on English Country dance (I’ll outsource that by giving you the usual link to Tea with Cassiane’s analysis on YouTube) but I’ll add my two cents - I know Cassiane gave this a pretty favorable three full dance slippers but I think the way all of the actors and dancers move looks very poorly rehearsed and kind of sloppy. I think everyone just spread out way too much.
Douglas McGrath’s Script
I have to say one of the things this film did very well and brought to the forefront is how insular Emma’s life is. The opening credit sequence brings this to our attention right away by showing a spinning globe which, once it slows down is shown to be, literally, Emma’s whole tiny world. Hartfield, Donwell, Randalls and Highbury. That’s it. It’s perhaps not a very subtle device, but it does get the job done and very succinctly too.
I would now like to talk about my issues with the script of this movie; I have some problems with it. Very different problems than it’s 1996 counterpart though.
First let’s go over the comedic device that jumped out to me most in this movie: the awkward pause.
I think it’s only used twice but they both bothered me.
First there’s the pauses while Emma and Mrs. Weston grill Knightley on whether he considers Jane Fairfax romantically. It’s all written as very “OoOoOooo” with Knightley answering their interrogations and then sitting between them awkwardly as they stare him down as, none of his answers giving either Emma or Mrs. Weston satisfaction. This is one of the most teen rom-com moments of the film to me.
Next there’s all the quiet stretches while Emma and Mrs. Elton have tea at Hartfield. I don’t like the use of awkward pauses in this case because (as I mentioned in Mrs. Elton’s characterization section) it’s so ludicrous to me that there are pauses in this conversation at all. Surely the point of Mrs. Elton is that she loves to hear herself talk and her conceited obsession with the idea that everyone around her must only benefit from hearing her opinions. There should be no conceivable reason why Emma should have to prompt conversation like she does in McGrath’s version of this scene, except to derail Mrs. Elton’s constant self-important yammering.
Watching it this time around I found myself wondering exactly what McGrath wanted to do with this film. I mean I’ve been attempting to decipher exactly whether the changes made were conscious and based on artistic vision, or whether they were changed because the source material just flew over McGrath’s Hollywood Director head.
I mean he gets the important plot points across, but there were other scenes that I had issues with: namely, the Archery scene. This is a pretty intense part of the book because Mr. Knightly goes from astonished, to indignant, to truly vexed with Emma in a short period of time. But this scene in the movie is very casual. The part where Emma’s arrow goes wide and into the general direction of Knightley’s dogs, and he takes an opportunity to make a quip and says “try not to kill my dogs” particularly annoyed me. My issue is that this totally ruins the tension of the scene; and why are Knightley’s dogs sitting BEHIND THE TARGETS ANYWAY? Knightley is a sensible man, and one who knows better than to let his dogs rest in a place where stray arrows could hit them!
The dialouge is very jarring because it flips back and forth beetween being alright, and period appropriate and then it will just spring a very modern turn of phrase and pull you completely out of the setting. I know this is something that’s been brought up with the 2009 version as well but maybe it’s because the actors in that version have (in my opinion) better chemistry that it simply doesn't stick out to me as much.
The comedy in general in this movie just makes me cringe a lot of the time (Sophie Thompson’s “oh sorry, napkin” bit notwithstanding). Like the soup thing when Emma and Harriet meet Mr. Elton after visiting the poor, and the random kid that gets tossed into this scene with Emma… just doesn’t work for me.
Wikipedia describes McGrath’s tweaks on Emma and Knightley’s banter (which really weren’t changed that much, textually) as “Enlivened” to make the basis of their attraction more apparent, which… I’m sorry but nothing about the exisiting banter isn’t lively if delivered in a lively manner. And I wouldn’t exactly call Gywneth’s performance lively, because she has to concentrate to keep that accent up.
I mentioned already that what McGrath essentially did with Emma was take Austen’s story, and remove the nuance (Such as lightening Frank’s infractions in his relationship with Jane and, while not totally contradicting, but also not highlighting the economic commentary of the story that is thematic in Austen’s novel) in order to make a straight up 90’s comedic romance film (Which, if you doubt this, look no further than Rachel Portman’s Oscar Winning but very dated score).
My Question is why? Why bother when the SAME STORY had been adapted into a HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL, modernized rom-com THE PREVIOUS YEAR, which actually, even while being set in the 90’s, did the story greater justice, with far more insight and quality?
Emma (1996) was always going to be over-shadowed by Clueless. At the end of the day this whole movie was kind of a futile effort because despite excellent production quality, the actual contents are watered down and, in my own opinion, pretty roundly mediocre.
Final Thoughts
When I first watched both of these versions I came at it from a very one-or-the-other perspective. I forgave McGrath’s film because it was light and colorful and I’d heard Davies’ version praised so highly at that time as the only faithful, definitive version (only to be let down by it in almost every possible way). But coming right down to it now, it’s hard for me to really excuse McGrath’s effort because a version of Emma that doesn’t take itself seriously enough is almost as bad as a version that takes itself too seriously.
It never fails to jump out at me how diametrically opposed these interpretations are, from the characterization right down to the tone and lighting.
McGrath’s Emma is light in every sense of the word, where Davies’ is dark and ponderous. McGrath’s Knightley is laid back where Davies’ is aggressive and ferocious. Frank, in McGrath’s version, is let off easy by the narrative playing down his moodiness, while in Davies there’s an overshadowing dark-cloud of off-putting caddishness.
Ribbon Rating: Tolerable (58 Ribbons)
The more I watch the 1996 adaptations of Emma (invariably back-to-back) the more firmly I am convinced that Andrew Davies’ made for TV film was (in some ways) a direct response to McGrath’s motion picture.
Tone: 7
Casting: 7
Acting: 5
Scripting: 5
Pacing: 4
Cinematography: 4
Setting: 5
Costumes: 6
Music: 5
Book Accuracy: 6
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Thanks, I hate it
So, I was trying to rewatch season 3 again and wow, I remembered why I hate it (and particularly 3B) so much. Maybe hate is the wrong word. There is good things in there. Things I can appreciate.
But I feel like my biggest gripe with it, more than shipping, more than characterization is that it is really hard to watch a show when you very fundamentally disagree with a position the show takes.
And I think I knew that that was going to be the case I think from the moment Mon-El has his revealing conversation with J’onn in 3x13. J’onn is a character we are supposed to like, so it was pretty clear to me, that in this case, the position he took in this conversation was a position the show takes.
Here is goes: Supergirl Season 3 firmly takes the position that it is the morally right thing for Mon-El to do is to not tell Kara that he has feelings for her.
(the show also takes the position that it is honorable of Kara not to tell Lena her secret identity, situations that are paralleled on occasion. I think the situations are somewhat different, but still think that in both cases the position of the show is questionable or at least something I really disagree with)
First: What I think they were trying to achieve with this
1.) One of Mon-El's character flaws was arguably lack of restraint. Showing him holding back on telling Kara shows that he has matured.
In this area I feel like the biggest disagreement is likely one of taste. If one likes Mon-El, one might argue that yes, lack of restraint and consideration was a character trait and flaw of Mon-El's, but "curing" him of this flaw arguably makes him at lost less entertaining as a character.
The other problem is that Mon-El still has certain moments which the show itself characterizes as lack of consideration. Seems kind of late for him to still be learning this lesson on the fly? Rather than just struggling with it? Still, one can argue the fact that he was struggling with this issue on a relatively high level is a way of showing that he has changed a lot and is in a very different place.
2.) Telling Kara about his feelings while she is still hurting and confused especially when he is unsure himself, yes would arguably be shitty.
Now, this I partly get. When Mon-El comes back Kara is in a lot of emotional pain, she is distraught, she is confused, she is dealing with a lot.
If at this point Mon-El goes to her and tells her that he's still into her (but there is still a chance that he still wants to honor his commitment to Imra more) that would cause her a lot of additional pain.
Not that I think it would have changed a lot in how Kara would react or how much would have happened between them, but the same decisions would likely have caused her a lot of additional anguish. That would have been jerking her around and playing with her feelings by my defintion of things and in that case, I agree, he shouldn’t tell her.
Getting her hopes up just to leave again would so not be cool.
3.) Talking to Kara about how he is struggling too might hamper their ability to fight Reign.
Now granted, this is just my personal feelings, as this wasn't really a topic that the show brought up itself. Still, this is something I could at least picture being a concern for these characters, that they want to put their feelings aside till Reign is defeated. (and in a way... that is what happens on the show, Karamel start getting a lot shippier in the time when they mistakenly think Reign has been defeated)
Second: Why I think it's wrong
The show over and over goes over the concept that it is wrong to tell somebody the truth just to make yourself feel better. And I keep thinking... why?
I agree with the concept that it is morally wrong to cause pointless pain to Kara by telling her. The thing is ... is it really pointless?
I fully agree that if Mon-El had fessed up to her at some point late into the season, it would have temporarily made Kara's life more confusing... but .... wouldn't that be worth it? Simply in the interest of things being more honest between and the information being out there?
And why isn't "it would make Mon-El feel better and lift a weight off his shoulders" a totally legit and fair outcome? Why does that have to be cast as "that's selfish and so he should never do that"?
I can maybe get that in the beginning when Kara is still super raw and emotional, but later on? Kara is a strong person, with a great support system. And I get that it's immoral to draw her into messy marriage issues.
But I don't see how just telling Kara what his emotional state is does that. He could just tell her "I'm really struggling too, but I'm trying to hold it together. This is hard for me in particular because I’m dealing with a lot of additional political weight being placed on my shoulders".
And yes I can envision a world where that makes communication between them even harder and it makes fighting Reign harder. But I still think it would be worth it for the benefit of things being more honest between them. And I would have said that both characters are emotionally strong enough that they could handle it.
Third: Why I’m beginning to think that they genuinely believed that
You know, for the longest time I thought, okay, maybe they just disliked Mon-El and wanted to get rid of him, so maybe they gave him a shitty story and that's all there is too it.
But the longer things go on, the more I get the impression. OMG they were actually serious about that?
In season 3, they draw strong parallels between it being honorable of Mon-El not to tell Kara and it being honorable of Kara not to tell Lena her identity. This is most explicit in The Fanatical where Mon-El says exactly that in a traditional "he gives advice about Lena, but he's actually talking about himself" scene.
Well, if you tell [her] the truth, you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better, not her. So maybe, in this case, it's, uh... Not telling her the truth is the noble thing. It's a sacrifice you're making to protect her.
(Bless Chris Wood, I think he looks entirely unconvinced by his own dialogue here)
Fast forward to episode 100. The big anniversary episode. The one that celebrates Kara and her influence on people. And this episode is full of people assuring Kara that her motivations were noble AND it ends with Kara embracing this point of view and putting her foot down (and no, I don't think that the writers intend to take that back and portray that as Kara misunderstanding something when this is the big celebration episode)
Executing The Premise
Either way. The whole season consisted of people preaching to Mon-El that he shouldn't tell. So Mon-El tries to do the right thing and keep his feelings mostly close to his vest.
And then it just ends!!!!
I'm sorry, this just feels wrong. It feels like there is something missing. Like either Mon-El should be rewarded for holding back (either by him realizing that loves the future best anyway (instead ... the opposite of that happened) or him actually getting a better chance with Kara somewhere in the future when the circumstances are better). Or in lieu of that, a storyline that makes it explictly clear that Mon-El was being a dumbass, did exactly the wrong thing and that is what costs him his chance with Kara. Except that didn't happen either.
Instead he disappear uncommented into nothingness and the only other glimpse we see of him is till an episode that actually doubles down on the message of 3B.
Summation
So my deep, fundamental gripe with season 3 is that I just deeply, deeply disagree with the central thesis the season puts forth (keeping things from people is not just understandable and excusable, but actually morally good) THE SHOW DIDN'T EVEN DELIVER PROPERLY ON THE STAKES AND MORAL STANDARDS THEY BUILT UP.
That's why season 3 was frustrating and hard to get connected to on multiple levels when it comes to these central story tenants. You have these characters discussing and debating and going back and forth and here I’m sitting, watching them and going “Yes, but this moral conundrum is stupid” (I had this reaction during pretty much any Mon-El scenes in regards to telling the truth and during any of the Kara and Lena arguments). I think even if the show had told a "clean" story with their premise, I still would have been sour on it when I just so fundamentally disagree with the premise on a personal level.
And that is in addition to the entertainment level of "I just don't think that it's very entertaining to watch characters who are constantly holding back to be heroic and moral and honorable" (compared to holding back for personal reasons like insecurity, something that is way more interesting because that is compelling characterization a lot of the time and casts telling the truth as characters facing their fears or seeing things weren’t as bad as they imagined it).
I disliked that honorable holding back in Kara/James and I disliked it again in season 3. [yes I think it’s marginally better set up in season 3 simply because Karamel had an actual relationship as the basis rather than just the potential of a flirtation, Mimra were married and there was a political reason why it had to stay that way rather than Lucy in the end being just a nice girlfriend/boyfriend relationship ... but just because it is a slightly more solid version of that trope doesn’t change that that trope is bad and boring to me]
Look, this isn't about morals. This isn't about me thinking the show would have been better if Kara would have thrown herself at James in season 1. It's just that those stories are (to me) fundamentally boring to watch and there was a reason why I preferred the chaotic back and forth of season 2 Karamel. So in a way, I felt fundamentally betrayed by the story even without the ending, because to me the season betrayed a lot about what I liked about Karamel in season 2 and made them more like Kara/James whose story I often did not care for for a reason. I'm not claiming that season 3 was devoid of good things, outside of Karamel or within (and I will try to make posts on that), but in regards to Karamel, a lot of these things were new areas, new themes or side aspects compared to what their strongest threads were in season 2.(for what it’s worth, I think the normal, “soapy” way to tell this story would have been not that Mon-El tells, but that Mon-El keeps it quiet, but somebody else blabs out the truth and Kara finds out anyway and is initally mad at Mon-El. Would still have been a cop out compared to how I see this conflict, but it would have been a more normal story compared to “everybody tells Mon-El not to tell and he mostly doesn’t”)
But I can put my shipper values aside. I can try to appreciate a story for its craftsmanship or for what it is trying to do even if things don't go my way. But it's really hard to get invested in a show if you just don't see eye to eye with one of the core themes the show proposes.
And that’s why I have a lot of animosity left towards this aspect of season 3.
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"I disagree with the LGBTQ+ because it's forbidden/against my beliefs, but I still support it."
Back when I was in college, a friend of mine who is pro LGBTQ+ defended another friend for saying this.
She defended this friend because it was a better view on LGBTQ+ than most people here who would outright say they despise LGBTQ+ people.
But I can never understand that sentiment.
Warning: this will be a long post.
I can never understand why someone feels the need to disagree about something that does not directly affect them in any way and does not entail any suffering or harm against anyone as well.
I've also seen and encountered a lot within the community which excuses this sentiment or even sees the people as allies, simply because they are saying "I support you, but I disagree with you choosing to like the same gender or identify as a different gender than the one you were assigned at birth."
I feel like this is the prime example of anything that comes before the word but is meaningless. I get that they are trying to be nice and supportive, but are they really? Even if you reverse the positions of the clauses like in my title, it would still come off as like an afterthought: Oh thing bad BUT don't cancel me please I actually support it.
People who have said the same things are often defended or justified because they are just practicing what they believe in, and we should respect that.
Here's the thing, what is it are they practicing?
I understand if they say something like "I support LGBTQ+ but I myself would not participate because it's against my beliefs."
Then that's fine, whatever, I respect that.
But this is simply not the case with the statement "I support you but I disagree."
Because that just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense if they are not the ones involved.
Let me explain why. And let me explain why from the perspective of a straight people to starkly draw the comparison between straight/cishet people and the LGBTQ+ community.
We have seen a lot of narratives where a parent or a society prevents two people, traditionally a boy and a girl, from being together. And more often than not, it is clearly portrayed in a negative light because it takes away two people's right to be happy. It takes away from their ability to think for themselves and choose their lives. It assumes an agency over their lives and dictating them what to do or who they should marry.
And, of course, the parents or the society often dismisses those and justifies them using excuses such as "It's for the good of the country" or "It's for your own good." It's the classic version of "I disagree with your relationship because (I believe) it's shameful, non-beneficial, and is bad for you."
This was something more rampant in the old times, and some societies or traditions are still going strong with "arranged marriage."
But you get my point. In the modern world, arranged marriages are not a thing for a reason. We as human-beings are starting to pursue for our own fulfilment and happiness, and we are starting to see these acts as clearly an attack on our own human rights, rightly so. So, of course, people condemn arranged marriages and people who are trying to stop two single people in love from getting together are almost always portrayed as villains.
This brings me to my initial point. What makes saying "I support but I disagree," any different? Nothing.
I get that people are trying to be supportive despite their beliefs or whatever they have learned that makes them thing LGBTQ+ is wrong, and I understand that having allies is better than having none at all.
But why? I ask these people why do you feel the need to say you disagree?
Unless a gay person proposes to you, whom are straight, I don't understand why you feel the need to disagree.
You are not the one involved. LGBTQ+ people asking to be treated as other humanbeings are not saying you should participate and become part of the community. Gay people wanting to have the right to get married and seen as equals are not focing you to be gay and marry them. Trans people asking you to respect them for their decisions and their confidence in themselves are not forcing you to change your gender or identify as someone you're not.
So why do you feel the need to disagree?
When you see a straight man and a straight woman in love with each other, and they have a healthy relationship, and they want to be together, you don't tell them "I support your decision to get married even though I disagree." Because there's nothing to disagree. You're not the one getting married.
And don't come at me saying "It happens when I have a best friend getting married to a jerk, I would tell them I support their decision even though I disagree."
That's a whole different thing. That relates to someone's personality and if you have a gay friend getting married to another gay but you disagree because the other gay is a bad person, then that's a different case entirely. You disagree not because you think two men or women being together are bad, but you disagree because you think your friend deserves someone better to make them happy.
But my issue is with straight people (or maybe people who don't realize they're not straight because their belief makes them think it's bad) claiming to be allies or supportive yet at the same time indirectly saying that LGBTQ+ is a bad thing.
They disagree, not because they care, but because they think LGBTQ+ is not okay and wrong according to their beliefs.
And again, I'm not going to dispute that, saying they should disregard their beliefs.
But it doesn't make sense for them to express that disagreement to others, when they're not the ones involved, and when it's their own beliefs which should apply to themselves, and not others.
If they believe LGBTQ+ is wrong, and someone of their gender proposes to them, and they turned it down by saying "Look, I support you and I love you as a person, but I cannot marry you because it's something that goes against my beliefs." If that's the case, I'd understand that.
Better yet, if your beliefs have stated that being straight is the only right way, and you are confidently straight, you could simply tell them you're not in love with them like that. You don't even have to tell them you're not into them because it's against your beliefs. It's between you and yourself (or God, if let's say this belief is something like religion).
Except, of course, you're secretly gay and you are actually into them but you have to say no because it's against your beliefs, then it's on you to solve the conflict within yourself.
But if you're straight, and you believe LGBTQ+ is wrong, please stop saying you support LGBTQ+ community and yet continue to say within the same breath that you disagree with it because it's something wrong according to your beliefs.
Know what a backhanded compliment is? Yeah this is kinda like that.
I appreciate you wanting to be allies, but when you say you support and disagree within the same sentence, I'm sorry, but that's just insincere and disingenuous.
You're perpetuating the idea to the rest of the world that LGBTQ+ is wrong. You're perpetuating the idea that supporting something wrong is okay. Stop it.
Even if you believe that it's wrong, please keep it to yourself. Especially when you say it in the same sentence as you supporting LGBTQ+.
When I heard my friend saying that, I can't help but feel bad about myself. I feel wrong and abnormal. And I feel like I had no power over my own voice that I felt the need to be supported while at the same time being told I was wrong and abnormal.
And for years I couldn't address this uneasiness within me because I was afraid I would be seen as disrespectful against someone's beliefs, or that I would be labeled as a toxic lesbian who just wants unconditional support, who hates straight people who have conservative views on marriage. I was scared that I would be labeled by other people in the community as someone who doesn't like progress or having allies.
But I won't stay silent any more.
And please understand that I'm not writing this as a "call-out" to straight or religious people despite them being allies. I truly appreciate you for being allies and for supporting LGBTQ+ people, and most of you probably don't realize what you meant when you said you support but you disagree. And I am in no way saying you should be cancelled or you are a horrible person for having said that in the past.
But I do write this so that the next time you want to say you support your friend's sexuality/gender identity, you can tell them you support them and that's it. No need to add the nuance to make them feel less than they are.
Additionally, I feel like this is very important to address because I know a lot of people here who are actually extremely homophobic or transphobic but in order to seem progressive or avoid being cancelled, would say the same thing. They would continue the spreading of misunderstanding about the community when they're around people who are also anti-lgbt, either blatantly or not, and yet shield themselves from any kind of backlash by saying they actually support the community. They like playing both sides and appearing like an ally when they're probably the most bigoted and pretentious of all. Because with people who are outright bigoted, we can tell right away they don't care, but with these people, it's far more sinister because they don't actually care, they just want you to think they do.
Because again, your beliefs is between you and yourself, and unless someone is forcing you to be anything other than cishet, I don't think the sentiment that you disagree is necessary just like it's unnecessary for a whole family or society or group of people to stop a man and a woman in love from being together.
Tldr; if you want to really support the community, no need to imbue your support with your personal views that may make them feel less as a human-being, such as saying it's actually "wrong or immoral."
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