#I posted this on fb too because i think im smart

[artemisbarnowl]

When you're not staying up past your bedtime tell us your thoughts about checking up on people via social media!

Thank you for indulging me this long weekend why would you do this

Warning I'm gonna be pathetic because i am still grieving a nine year relationship and grieving, especially in this context, feels so UNDIGNIFIED. Also its my grieving thoughts about the socials thing not like well srticulated thoughts about the socials with some grieving mixed in. I just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out.

1. Like, ultimately don't. Its not helpful at all i think. Unless if literally is just idle curiosity about what happened to someone in your class from ten years ago and you actually dont care what you find.

2. I am experiencing the urge to check up on my ex CONSTANTLY. (They do not really use social media this doesnt amount to much btw). I understand why people be lurking on someones insta or whatever to see what theyve been up to. Sometimes you hope theyre failing and miserable because they did you wrong and you want to feel validated. In my particular case i am worried, and i miss them. There are no posts for me to see or wonder about so this is useless but i think i also want to see that my ex is sad (because i was important to him for such a long time) but also, not like, too sad. And I'm fantasising about him sort of DOing something about it. I want to see what he's up to. Is is dancing? Is he injured? Is he Making? Is he finding small joys in life like hanging out with friends or seeing a cute creature on a walk? Seeing posts about these things would not help me! Because i would likely assume he was not sad, then i would feel angry and bitter and disappointed in myself for wasting my time. We dont share when we are sad (or why) on socials. I am NEVER going to see a post that effectively says "my smart and beautiful and extraordinary girlfriend of 9 years left me, and I am sad i couldn't be what she needed. I miss her a lot and wish i could have showed her this garden i saw today, she would have loved it. I will never forget her and dont know how to be okay with this". No one is going to see that. But ultimately i think we check up on people because what we want to see is some variation of that, so we can feel validated and know that they UNDERSTAND how were feeling.

Because this is tumblr I have made stupid posts a bit like this! I miss him all the time, i made a facebook post about a doco that I watched in the hopes that he would see it and watch it, because i think he'd like all the adorable english woodland creatures. This is also stupid! As are posts showing how well youre doing in hopes ypur ex seems them and feels stupid. Devoting this much energy to a game in your head where you will never get an outcome that satisfies you cannot help you move on or heal. But i do think its weird that we look for any possible thread that tied us to people we are without, even the terrible online ones that can never retie us! We talk to gravestones like the dead can hear us. I am currently checking my mailbox every day for a letter that might not ever arrive, and even if it does it sure and shit wont contain any information that helps me live my new single life where no one thinks I'm special, and there's no one I'm 100% comfortable to be all of myself around and who I dont get tired of being with.

I will never know if he saw the fb post, let alone watched and had opinions on the doco I talked about. Knowing wont help. He knew i have a tumblr but i dont think he'd go through it as its a huge pile of memes and stuff he wouldnt understand to look for 3 things that say im sad. And again, knowing I'm sad won't help.

Normally im very good at being like "well this is unproductive/not the best course of action" and then, you know, STOPPING but unfortunately I will continue to wonder how he is and what hes up to and cling to actually unreasonable, unfounded fantasies of what happens IF he sees.

Anyway this is a long vent that basically says i think i get why people do it now but ultimately it will never bring the carthsis we hope for (:

He knew i had a tumblr but I dont think he's checking up on me coz. Whats the point. Its a lot of stupid memes for 3 im sad posts. Which accomplish nothing as discussed.

#its been...just under 3 months since the break up? #and I am still so so caught up in the fact thst the last weekend we spent together before he flew home was nice #he felt the pressure was off so he could just do what he wanted #which was talk more and answer questions and be more affectionate #which is all i ever wanted in the first place!! #and after all that time together he was still more scared of moving in any direction and it being wrong #than he trusted that i would treat him with kindness and respect and understanding no matter what he did #i dont think it'll ever not hurt that when booking plane tickets (a few months before) he couldnt decide between #spending an extra day with me and a ten dollar cheaper fare #not because he didnt like me but because he was frozen by the possibility of there being a wrong choice #and like there is if the reasoning isnt 'i have to be back for a significant event' and is IS 'i dont actually want to spend time with you' #then hiding that through indecision does no one any favours #unfortunately my biggest regret now is that i was uglu crying at the airport when we kissed goodbye for the last time #its very vain but i worry he will remember me like that #i could barely stand i was so upset!!! and i am concerned about my looks and keeping a man :'( #highly pathetic you were warned #anyway i miss him and i am afraid he is alone and sad and i cannot help

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

just thinking about how my weird obsession with sex in high school- like joking that i’d become a hooker and stripper in my 20s just so i could meet & fuck my fave emo band dudes while they toured australia (like honey. for the love of god. just buy a fucking meet & greet ticket to meet them. and also. now a whole ass decade later it’s coming out that a good bulk of these men were/are actually trash to their young teen female fans (and it’s also in their past interviews for some of them but you chose to ignore it) so i dodged many a bullet dick if you will)….. and then me pretending to be a hooker/stripper from vegas on omegle and like scarring some of the girls in my year 9 drama class at catholic school in 2010 all bc i decided to write some really graphic (for a 14/15yo) sexting stuff on omegle during one particular lesson…….

moreover, being obsessed with tv show characters like barney stinson from himym and samantha jones from sex and the city…. and all the other jokes (e.g. “we all know i’ll be a dominatrix when im older 😉!”- this was literally one of them) i’ve talked about before in an infinite amount of personal posts on here over the years….. has turned me into such an incredibly anxious mess around sex and relationships in my late 20s; that i need to get to therapy about it.

because i very obvs kinda drank up the hyper sexualisation of teen girls and women in media so much in my teens. like i thought i’d be a complete “slut” in my 20s. i thought i’d move to LA and be a super famous and hot actress who’d get to fuck/sleep with all of her fave emo band dudes so they’d write songs about her sleeping around (take a hint girl. they didn’t like those women!!!!!! 90% of the songs you were listening to at that time were bitter breakup songs!!!!) in hollywood and being the home wrecking whore and ruining their bands bc they’d all slept with me. which i thought was a great badge to wear; to tear down the self esteem and mental health of those men. like it honestly was so fucking bizarre.

but now in my late 20s….. i can barely sext at all. i run out of things to write in like the first 2 seconds in. when i try to sext… like say i’m crushing on someone whose a long distance from me (like did with one of my followers on here that lives in a city which is 3hrs north of me i’m australia last year)….. i get into it for like maybe an hour and then give up; while they keep going. i don’t want to flirt. i find it impossible to find smart quippy flirt lines and that’s why i can’t stand the idea of dating apps. also i’ve always hated dating apps in general anyway due to my past dealings with them (ie the fb adding me to zoosk dating when i signed up in 2009 at 13/14 incident) but i also fucking hate how you have to almost “sell” yourself again in quippy lines and like 150 words of a bio. to make yourself almost as digestible and marketable as a biteable tweet on twitter. i fucking hate it. i don’t have any energy for it. i used up all my sexting ideas in my teens, when i was far too young to be doing it… and then there’s also the tumblr sexting publicly with anons in 2013… who turned out to be two (possibly) 28yo men…… and i was 17.

i was so desperate to be a “slut”, a “vixen”, a “whore” in my formative years (which we all know never actually happened anyway) that i never seriously sat down to realise- not that a teenager would actually do it; let’s be real here- how damaging it’d really be in my 20s. like i don’t know how to function in the early stages of any relationships where you’re supposed to be almost endlessly lustful of your partner- all bc i had that bizarre intense fixation on sex and being labelled a whore so early on. and now i don’t even want to be called “whore” or a “slut” in sexting. but that’s the default thing that you see on tumblr and everywhere else.

there’s obvs the thing i’ve referenced in other posts too; where i was obsessed with the labels of “sexy” etc as well; and i longed in my teens to be called sexy and other labels like that, by boys my age. but since i never got it from them, i then wanted it from older guys. but once that girl in year 11 at public school kept trying to set me up with guys aged anywhere from 20 to 30…. and they were calling me “sexy”/ “hot” and everything else…. it just felt gross??? and most especially when considering the large age difference of the men who were 30 and me at 16/17. now when men call me sexy or hot or whatever, i just get weirdly uncomfortable and my default response is “awww stop”; when i actually feel weird about it.

i found it super unsettling and insulting when a follower on here (mr adelaide fuckboy/MAF) kept suggesting to me to become a camgirl bc he thought i’d make a lot of money bc “you’re so hot and sexy and you just don’t know it!” or whatever the fuck he told me back in like 2016, after he’d ignored me for like 3+ years. it was even more unsettling when he seemed to get more agitated by my disagreement and hesitation with his so called “great suggestion” every time he brought it up. bc no. i will not use onlyfans. i will not be a camgirl since i don’t want creeps like you, brayden, telling me what the fuck to shove up my coochie for your/their pleasure and not particularly mine. and i just personally know that i don’t have the mental space or confidence to be a sex worker. i always give props to the women who do.

and it also felt awful when it came out the mouth of my high school stalker/creeper from years 11/12, any time i showed ANY emotion other than “innocent doe eyed fuck doll of a girl that needs to be somehow saved from herself and her own naivety” by some dipshit who thinks the whole world is actually porn; bc that’s how he learnt how to talk to girls…. that i just learnt to shut down any type of sexual relationship really fast.

the word “hot”, felt odd too, when it came out of the mouth of one my other early tumblr followers who was from sydney, and he paired it with wanting to meet up and to “give you (me) a tour of bondi and you can make us cookies in the hotel room i’ll get for us”. like yes. we were 17/18. but for some random stranger that you barely know from the wilds of the internet offers to get you both a hotel room…. like thanks for the weird insinuation that i’ll sleep with you laiken, when we’ve literally talked about twice in the last year (2013). just because you follow me on tumblr and you inboxed me twice, it doesn’t that mean i want your dick anywhere near me. and then when i said i’d bring a friend, he got weird with “third wheeling” as if us following each other and possibly fucking when or if we met up in bondi, instantly made us into a couple. no. we are not a couple. and you’re blocked, laiken. end of story.

there was also a time when i confused “people pleaser” as a euphemism for group sex. so that when it came to some sexual fantasies i had with certain emo band guys- i wanted to have orgies basically. i wanted group sex. but honey. you’re literally a child. you do NOT want or need to pleasure 4 men at once, let alone an individual man. now in my late 20s, i can’t even picture myself fucking one man. let alone 3 to 4 at once. you’re NOT a people pleaser in the bedroom, when you don’t even have the energy to go seek someone out to have some meaningful sex with. not just empty “no strings attached” bullshit. but again, this side is also somewhere in other posts i’ve made on here about relationships- that i wanted far more advanced relationships and sex with older men (ie just even an 18/19 year old guy when i was 14/15…. or a couple of years later at 17 i wanted a 20 something year old man to find me sexy and fuck me etc)… that i won’t speak about it more here.

but yeah. there’s a lot here and i have no idea where this post was supposed to go. but yeah. my main point is that weird obsession with sex in my teens (when i actually had zero (0) sex at all in my teens) has turned me into an anxious mess because now i think of sex as a huge performance and elaborate thing….. like a big part of it, i guess, is that….. i have a fear of dudes rating my moans and being like “it’s not horny enough” or “you don’t sound right”- well tyler. how about you cut the fuck down on your porn consumption then???!!! bc i am NOT fake porn moaning “oooooh myyyy gooooodd it’s soooooo biiiiig” and “ooooh myyyy goood iiiimmm sooooo weeet!!! goooo deeper!!!”…. or whatever the fuck…. when both your dick game and your sex skills are piss weak at best…. and you refuse to take ANY constructive feedback about YOUR performance and moans….. so it’s almost like stage fright lmao. but for sex. and there’s also me still joking that although im no longer loud in public; “i’ll be loud in the bedroom 😉” when like. will i actually be??? who knows??? if i never bother to do anything with this.

and then there’s me being over critical of my body when i take nudes…. and also trying to light everything right to look- idek- appealing/appetising- since when it comes to my snootch, it’s meant to served up like a delicacy. lmao. on a platter. bc you’re meant to “eat it, lap it up/slurp that pussy like a slurpee” ok. you can tell i don’t flirt. but you get the point. it’s always referred to in food imagery. and then i take one look at a guys dick and i’m like “that’s going NOWHERE near my mouth. i can tell you that” and “your cum will NEVER be a meal, dude” unlike my 🐈 . so it’s tied up in so much bullshit; that it’s healthier for me to just not engage in sexting and relationships at all. the appetising thing is also tied up in sex positions- like who the fuck wants to see me with my legs in the air, at THAT angle in missionary???? or like who wants to see me in the weird sex positions that used to be in cosmo mag to “hit your g spot” and “spice up your sex life with these 10 amazing moves!”???? when i’ll probably look awful- esp if it’s in front of a mirror. and that’s also tied to facial expressions too. it’s just an awful tangle of what the actual fuck fuckery.

just yeah. my constant fixation on sex in my teens really fucked up my engagement with relationships in my 20s because i followed the hyper-sexualised version of a teen girl on tween/teen shows. then i got angry at myself during my teens bc i wasn’t “hot” i wasn’t “sexy”. i was just so blatantly and horribly average that how on earth would that ever be attractive to anyone???? man. why am i even writing this on here. i remember the inner anger and jealousy i harboured from my best friend bc she lost her virginity when we finished year 12 in 2013 (drunken teen mistake) and i hadn’t done anything yet…. when i was meant to be the samantha jones “wild sex bitch” of our little group. i was meant to do it first bc i’d read all the cosmo bullshit. i remember how bitterly jealous i was she she got her boyfriend that she’s been with since 2016. when was my time even for just a boyfriend??? just any fucking person who’d just somehow minorly “settle” for me. aside from all the “wild, kinky sex freak with an even wilder mouth” persona bullshit that i’d built up for myself.

but instead all i got was intensely controlling and incredibly rude so-called “men”; where i could detect their red flags in the first 20 minutes to an hour of meeting them. so it just ended up being so deflating and not worth bothering with. so i had to end up settling for vibrators. i guess that’s the only upside to this whole shebang. i had to learn how to detect creeps and very problematic negative traits in the first hour of either meeting someone in person, or through a message on fb or another social media platform… so that i could learn to leave at the first sign of anything where they think that they instantly have power over me bc i apparently know less about being a “real person” than they do.

bc no. you don’t have power over me solely bc you have a penis and have fucked a woman before- notice the sole use of “fuck”- never something kinder or more intimate- it’s quick, it’s soulless and devoid of all emotion. you don’t have power over me bc you think that sticking your useless shit dick in me will apparently make me into a “real woman who’ll finally know real dick”.

because, no. the real dick here is you, jeremy. ironically sans dick. because your cock (to go with his “everything is porn” vibe) was not needed to prove to me that i can be discerning and have good judgement without a shitty dude to tell me what to do. leave me the fuck alone. i will not be taking your fucked up offer of sex lessons in the back of your car to pay for driving lessons that you think will “fix” me. which is your blatantly god-awfully terrible excuse and disguise for probable sexual assault. get the fuck away from me, you literal walking, talking goddamned alarm bell. you deserved to be blocked for life.

anyway back to my original rant.

finally, don’t even get me started on me labelling other girls that i didn’t like at school as “sluts” and “whores”- so i was against them bc they were confident with boys- but somehow it was utterly fine for me to be a supposed rampantly sexual being instead bc i was being idek “real” about it???? when in reality when i did get shown any sliver of attention (usually not from the people i wanted) it was negative and i ran from it bc it made me feel unstable.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess #ilona whines about her non existent live life to her followers lol

[just-my-type-x]

Her last name is not private at all, shes done music and interviews using it and she has added people on fb too.But then switched it to Silver, then Destiny and now Vuu. Her other mans also uses vuu too but thats a story for another day. Her name has also changed and she went by Stasia before. Nothing is really private about her, her friend even shared her address, she clearly doesnt think and just likes the attention, but that im not gonna share because its too much,just know its on youtube and shes very aware the camera is on and present because shes all over it. Shes the classic case of wanting to be known and famous its obvious but shes going about it the wrong way. Shes camera hungry, why not do like Tara and get close to someone like Tana or Bryce Hall if she wants it so bad or join a content house. What angers me over all about her is not that shes dumb enough to expose herself like that, but that shes shared private info on the boys. Sharing locations before they do, posting from all corners of their homes, sharing first looks of merch, telling people she was going on a date night with colby when that wasnt the case, and then on her subscription service she was posting Colby photos left and right and thats what people were paying for. This one girl on twitter said it was a smart move to share Colby content knowing thats what people wanted. Who does that? The only reason she didn’t post on Halloween was because she was robbed and then said she was glad she was. I internally shiver when i see shes around them again, its like the mood gets dark because i just know what shes gonna do, post non stop making sure everyone knows shes around them and in more than half of that posting, Colby will make the cut. She never posts as much when not with them. Even now that shes around Kat i want to box Kats ears.

She's a very big attention seeker and can't wait for something to happen so she can make an appearance and be the center of attention. Or at least that's what she thinks she is. I'm not saying we don't also invade the boys' privacy by talking about these things, but she should know better bc she's now, unfortunately, a public figure. And what sucks even more is that she's so oblivious about posting everyone and receiving stuff on Colby's back, even Sam's, cuz he also used to post her often on his story. She's just insufferable and should be shaken up to reality

[phoebe-puffs]

something id like to say where my husband can read it and i dont have to worry about posting to fb because of who can read/view it...

hes having a tough time mentally as of late due to his job and possibly other factors such as mental illness and enviormental factors such as fostering animals he has to take care of when he really shouldnt be doing it etc..

i want him to know that i love him, deeply and truly amd that my love nor faith in him has ever waivered. he gets it done, hes smart, handsome, funny, and he knows how to make me smile even if my brain thinks im a slave to its entrapment and therefore deserve less than basic decency. sometimes i get in my head and beat myself up for simple mistakes or when i upset him like in a talk we are having or something happens.. hes the one who held my hands and urged me to take a step, a step towards living for not only him but for myself. i still struggle with this whole living for myself thing but with him by my side showing me how beautiful life can be, despite the hardships and pain weve both been through..

when he gifted me his dads wedding band as my engagement ring, i couldnt have been happier. i know deep in my heart, that if my dad was here, things yes would be a lot different, but he would welcome him warmly as my mother has. i wish i couldve met his dad.. tell him everything i love aboht his son and how hearing his "hi honey" makes me wiggle my toes either mentally or physically and warm inside. i want to visit him one day, to give flowers, sit next to his tree, tell him stories of how we met and hiw he has healed me, how many adventures wr have been on!

he holds my hand when the fear gets too much, he lets me listen to his heartbeat when i get overwhelmed, his voice can bring me back from my daydream or from the clouds almost in an instant. i want him to know that he can count on me too. i know its probably been tough, dealing with me and supporting me but i want him to know that even if i am armed with a sword in my psyche, i am armed with a large sheild for him. we light each others dark, damp world amd make it bearable, together.

i love you and okay maybe im crying rn bc i want to be there at your house across the country, waiting to welcome you home with a "hi love welcome home!" in a warm tone. seeing each other would be nice again, but when my disability is decided, and approved, i will be visiting, even if i dont have my lisence yet. i want to be the present you get to see when walking out of your room on christmas. ill have jax wrap me in paper or something but i cant contain my excitement that long so i may just wake you myself.

*nuzzles* seeing you smile is all i need to face my fears. i love you, and cant wait to be with you forever.

@neosneopolitan

#ruby look #long post #long distant relationship #i love you #never forget

[bishiglomper]

The cats owner messaged me at about 6am saying she could go get him. Thankfully I could get mom up. We chatted about our cats for a bit. She said she had 5 kids, my sister asked who her husband was. So I checked out her FB since we're friends anyway. Because I catch her cat so often 😄

You can learn a lot about a person by their FB. She seems a bit too bubbly for my taste but I like her. I was telling my sister we should make friends. She's around our age I think. She's a Libra used to be a youth counselor. Which I think is interesting because the niece is a Libra and wants to be a child psychiatrist.

There was a video on her page her kids took literally 10 feet from our front steps. They were being bullied. D: smart kid to get footage. My sister says she's encountered the shitheads before.

She has enough tidbits in her photos I bet I can find her house. I kind of want to just show up with her cat the next time we have him like "here ya go!" and take mischievous glee in her undoubtably confused/scared reaction. 😂

When we first asked fb about the cat someone said the owners lived on this one street. She posted a photo of her new red front door. And a photo of her kids playing in their driveway. Photo faced the street but you could see across the street, the back of the car and a phone pole at the corner of their yard. Soooo~ 👀🙈

But yeah the woman sounds cool. And friendly. And she loves her kids. Nephew is between her boys age! And she's only like 2 streets up. Not to mention she loves her animals. It sounds like the poor woman leapt straight out of bed to bring her furbaby home. I want to make friends with this person. 😚

Im so bad at that though ahhhhh

I psych myself out and end up accidentally ghosting people. 👀💦 it's not you, I swear. I'm just a shitty conversationalist.

[funeroticone]

Falling

We met online. We can only contact through email and only when he isnt busy. We have been talking for about a week, just getting to know each other. We send each other playlists of songs from our favorite genres for the other to check out and find we have some of the same favorites. 

I dont know what he looks like. Ive seen a picture on FB on a group, but just one, and I question if that is really him. Im immediately drawn to him. His dark skin, a smile full of mischief and mystery, like he has a secret no body else can know, but the person looking at him. Hes got a sweet babyface, turned rugged by the goatee and mustache. He is truly the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I decide to write to him. See where things go. Make a new friend. Ok, lets be honest, thats not why I messaged him. I messaged him because I wanted to make contact with the man whose smile had affected me so profoundly.  

For the next week, we send emails and share stories and fears and desires and secrets. I find that this man is smart and sweet and absolutely adorable to talk to. But we are limited. Forbidden from exploring this interest further. 

I find myself looking forward to his emails, constantly checking my emails to see if he was thinking about me too. The disappointment is think when I see there is usually nothing new, but the high I feel when I finally do get something from him is intoxicating. I know he has things going on. So do I. But he is constantly on my mind. I know what you must be thinking, what is the point of this post? Or how could you feel like this about someone you have never met? Im not in any position to explain how the brain controls emotions, so I will say this, his attention is like a drug to my broken heart. And the point of this post is to just express my feelings of how Im falling for this guy that I may not have any future with at all. Im falling hard. 

[numinous-queer]

JESSE I just want you to know that 1) my autocorrect always makes your name all cap; 2) I think of you whenever “Life During Wartime” comes on (as it just did), and I miss you and I love you. I hope you and Lexie are doing ok in American Samoa, 3) WHERE IS THAT LARGE AUTOMOBILE?

I forgot to sign that last ask, but it’s ET lol. 

ET!!!!!!!! YOOOOOOOOOO HOLY SHIT I’VE BEEN MISSING YOU SO #$&%ing MUCH IS HOW I’M DOING!

I  love you too and I think about you all the time constantly!!! Re: American Samoa - our borders are closed right now, with the smart money on everything staying put until possibly January 2021. As such, we are trying to figure out what our lives are going to be like. Lex and I haven’t renewed our contracts yet but we have signed a year lease in a much better place to live, because if we’re going to do this we’d prefer not to stay in our current shitty government housing where multiple of our neighbors have straight up toxic black mold and the ground in front of our house appears to be rotting. (?????!! We don’t know what the FUCK it is). We’re hoping for a moving date of July 1 to a little peninsula called Coconut Point, which is much closer to our work and would allow us to swim every single day if we wanted to. A lot of the NOAA scientists live there, and they excitedly told us that we could expect to see turtles and baby rays pretty much every time we went out! I don’t see our actual house on this site, but I am like 98% sure that this is a FB page by the same couple that is renting to us: https://www.facebook.com/CoconutpointMulinuuHousingAS/

(click to make big)

It’s probably 1/4 mile or so from our actual house, but this video shows the same stretch of beach where we’d be living:

That ocean is to the front of us, then we’d have the pretty to look at but more polluted and stagnant Pala Lagoon behind us. If there is a storm, we’re 100% going to be wiped off the map is what I’m saying, though the area did pretty well in Cyclone Gita in 2018. 

We could theoretically break the lease and be dickbags, but on paper we have agreed to live at the Coconut Point house until July 1, 2021. I’ll post lots of photos when we move in and get all ready! We’ve been getting ready to DIY a lot of shit, because the apartment is sparsely furnished. Still, “beachfront home on a tropical island in the, like, one spot in the US without COVID-19″ ain’t fuckin’ bad. (Albeit a bit Masque of the Red Death?)

In non-American Samoa news - both Lexie and I are sort of burning out from our jobs a little bit, and we are hoping that the move is going to help by restoring some work-life balance. I am still the domestic violence DOJ paralegal at American Samoa Legal Aid, though my supervising attorney just retired and I am sort of the entirety of the program right now. While I haven’t necessarily seen an uptick in cases, they seem to weigh more heavily on me than they did before? And Lexie is facing an unbelievable amount of bullshit at the AG’s office, which I’m not positive how much I can share for legal reasons. Suffice it to say, there’s a lot of questionable shit going on that she has no choice but to be party to because there’s nobody to report it to except to the governor, who is the one making the corruption wheels spin in the first place

re: missing each other, I know you are a Never Facebook-er, but would you consider getting a tumblr just so that we can use the chat feature and talk to each other? You don’t have to post or tell anyone that you have one, but it would be a pretty good stand-in for IMing! I miss you so fucking much all the time and it is too easy to fall off the map just because life is happening. (oh btw, my phone got heavy shit dropped on it earlier in the year and is kaput! If you have texted and I did not respond that is why! I am so sorry!!) 

Basically, you are the best and I think of dumb shit to tell you all the time and I would stand outside your window with a boombox if there wasn’t an ocean in the way <3 <3 <3

also

🎵 THIS AIN’T NO PARTY! THIS AIN’T NO DISCO! THIS AIN’T NO FOOLIN AROUND!!  🎵

#hey ET #seriously bro tumblr could be a good messaging solution! #I love you and miss you and you are getting a million intangible hugs right now #Anonymous

[leta-the-strange]

Spoiler-free COG feelings/essay/thoughts before I see the movie. Spoiler-free because the movie isn’t out here til the end of the week but obviously, I’ve picked up info from trailers and interviews and things like that so sort of common knowledge stuff but I guess if you’ve avoided all the promos for the year I wouldn’t want to ruin it for you now so don’t read until after you’ve seen it if that’s the case (again, I only know basic info).

I have a lot of feelings that I’ve been sitting on for a while because frankly, large parts of the Fantastic Beasts and Harry Potter fandom terrify me. It’s why in my nineteen years (okay, thirteen years – I had to learn how to read) I’ve distanced myself from engaging in the fandom too much and when I do, I try and stick to as safe, neutral content as possible.

But I’m going to write a little bit a lot (my anxiety’s poppin off the charts right now) not to antagonise anyone or personally offend people just to get this pent up crap off my chest before I see the movie. 

I have Māori and Pākehā parentage. Although I am proud to be a Māori girl and I’m definitely not white-passing, I do acknowledge that out of my family, I was born with the lightest skin and being a lighter-skinned/mixed poc among my family and friends has made me recognise my privilege. That isn’t to say I haven’t experienced lifelong struggles with racism, bullying and discrimination but I will never experience the same micro-aggressions and experiences that they have. Although, I do have light-skinned privileges and I don’t ever want to take away the struggles of my family that I won’t experience on the same level, growing up looking a little different opened me up a lot of feelings of invalidation within my own culture. When I experienced racism as a child, I was also met with disdain for being upset about it when I wanted to talk about it. This was when I was a child and I didn’t understand lighter skinned privilege or the animosity from some of my own people. I am far more educated now, but during that confusing time I, like most children, turned to literature (which in turn is what helped me make sense of the world).

I’ve gotten a little off track – this isn’t overly important to what I’m writing about, but it is introducing my opinion as coming from a woman of colour who has experienced racism and horrible bullying, but I always feel the need to clarify my position as a lighter skinned poc before giving my opinion based on those experiences.

Obviously from my content, I love Leta Lestrange. Perhaps it started out as a matter of representation, but I feel like over the past year, I have become intrigued with her for a number of reasons. She’s striking me as a Sirius, Regulus and Andromeda Black type character. Different to her family and caught in a struggle of light and dark (magic, not skin colour). Loves magical creatures. I haven’t seen it yet but it seems like she is one of the centre point characters of the film. She seems to be connected to many of the main characters in one way or another and has always striked me as the most intriguing.

I really do hope I am wrong but the ‘other’ love interest’s in the Harry Potter universe are usually treated terribly. They experience character assassination to further the development of the canon/new interest.

I really hope this film doesn’t do the whole blow out a woc character to make the white, self-insert, classically beautiful, ‘im not like other girls’ character shine brighter.

Before everyone comes for me, I wouldn’t say I’m a Tina ‘anti’ whatever that is. There’s no like extreme hatred at all! I would say I don’t like Tina as a character, or Queenie for that matter. Not yet anyway. The new trailer gives me hope that this movie might win me over finally. It doesn’t need to be upsetting or offensive to anyone. There are lots of people out there with favourite and not-so-favourite characters. A lot of people dislike Ron, Dumbledore, Snape, even Harry…and there are people who have those characters as their favourite.  

There are a lot of reasons I don’t like Tina and Queenie. I may address them in a different post if being vague upsets people more than going in-depth but at this point, I am trying to stay as unconfrontational as possible but I have seen people get extremely furious when they don’t deem your reason for disliking them to be ‘good enough’ so if not saying exactly what I find uncomfortable about them is not as preferable as telling people then I can write it up as respectfully as possible if I’m treated the same way. All I’ll say is that I think Tina is a good person, but, in my opinion, not a great character. Queenie is the opposite. I would not like Queenie as a person but I have to admit, she’s a good character. But I’ll hold the rest of my opinions until after the second film. 

Honestly, the film adaptions leave some of my favourite book characters to be desired. Maybe if FB was a novel, I’d like Tina but I really dislike her in the movies. I have seen people blow up when this is said. I try to understand the outrage. I think one of the reasons I dislike Tina is one of the reasons why people love her. She is, at this point and in my opinion (which is ONLY an opinion), a self-insert character. Any Newt x Reader fanfiction can easily read as a Newtina fanfiction and vice versa. I know. Because I’m a FB fanfiction writer myself and tried to write her. Sometimes when you attach yourself to a character so much, it can feel personally offensive when someone says something as harmless such as they don’t like then. I don’t experience this as often. Every Reader/OC fanfiction is, perhaps unintentionally, but nearly always aimed at a white person in description. In actuality, nearly every character in literature is, intentionally or not, described with textbook white features or assumed white by the fandom/readers/watchers.

I know people are going to hate this opinion because I’ve seen people jump down other people’s throats when this gets brought up. I do believe, whether it is conscious or not, Leta not being white COULD, subconsciously, be a factor as to why she is so inherently hated. I’ve seen more hate for Leta than any other character – even the antagonist! I hate what they did to Lavender Brown, book and movie wise, but even she, being as over exaggeratedly unlikable as a romantic plot device, received and still receives far less fandom hate than Cho Chang (who was also eventually written to be ‘jealous, hysterical, unlikeable’, etc, etc – I don’t agree btw I love, understand and appreciate Cho and Lavender)  who was smart, talented, kind, traumatised, and until it was no longer convenient to the main characters romance for her to be ‘likeable’ anymore.

I wish I could enjoy going through the Leta tag but often, her and Newt can’t even be in a scene or photo together and people lose their minds with anger and hate. Literally, the comments on any scene/photo they are in are all along the lines of ‘stay away from newt!/poor tina/urgh, don’t flirt leta/leta WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’. Sorry, to break it to you guys but it isn’t a love triangle. It’s a love conga line. The only person getting in the way of ‘Newtina’ is Newt. Instagram is even worse. By worse, I mean horrible beyond belief. The better comments are the ones are the ones merely (though still grossly) comparing her to Tina and how much they dislike her, the other ones are wishes that she’ll get killed or join Grindelwald. It’s literally not even hidden the fact they wish either of these things happen so Newtina can happen faster. I’m not a Newtina shipper at all (Yet. Again, this might change if the films improve) but this would be one of the worst ways to further your ship. That is literally not going to change the fact that Newt’s still in love with her (you can have feelings for two people at the same time. The filmmakers confirmed - in fact, one of the first things about the new movie that they confirmed - that Newt is ‘absolutely still in love with her’), it just makes her conveniently unattainable. I do have a feeling that Leta might die and if it happens, it better not be because she’s unwillingly in the way of a ‘love triangle’ that people have forced these three characters into. If Newtina is going to happen in a way that isn’t awful, rushed and horrible, it will be slow-burn and it’s in own time AFTER Newt has healed and properly fixed things with Leta. You can’t be best friends and in love with someone for 15+ years and fall out of love with them immediately after they die, turn bad and settle for a woman you met for like two days and collectively spent maybe ten hours with. It might be a Ron/Hermione situation where it’s slow and eventual. That’s the only way I could possibly get on board and I think it could be done tastefully if they don’t resort to lazy writing. I do have my fingers crossed I’ll start to like the Goldsteins before this happens and I can enjoy it as much as everyone else does.

To be honest, after seeing the trailers, I see only two endings for Leta (and I hate them BOTH):

She joins Grindelwald: If this is the plot twist, it’s the shittiest plot twist ever. Pretty much 90% of the fans since seeing the first film have assumed/liked to believe she’s pure evil. Probably the characters themselves all assume she’s evil from her last name. I was worried the whole ‘haha, I was on Grindelwald’s side all along!’ situation was going to happen. We know JK hates Slytherins. My ‘Leta joins Grindelwald’ theory would be that she has always been on the good side – or trying to be – and after YEARS of oppression and discrimination and being distrusted by maybe the central characters in this film no matter how hard she tries AND maybe finally realising that Newt isn’t going to ever forgive her she just snaps and goes all ‘f*ck you guys then’ (I wouldn’t blame her tbh). HOWEVER, I doubt this. In a trailer, you literally see Leta THROW a fucking spell STANDING BY HERSELF (what u doin bby?) at Grindelwald. Trust me, if this was Tina it would have been all everyone was talking about but of course the fandom was all ‘yeah, see, she’s in the same frame as Grindelwald SHE’S EVIL’. One of the trailers is literally titled Leta vs. Grindelwald. Everything in the trailers/promos points to Queenie joining Grindelwald but *shrugs, I guess*.

Leta dies: I get this may seem the preferable way to appease the Leta haters and the Leta lovers especially if she dies after redeeming herself or heroically or whatever but urgh, no. I know everyone’s like ‘DoNt MAKe ThIS AbOUT RaCe’ when the woc character inevitably is killed but I’m sorry. To have been able to sit in a theatre as a little girl and see Leta Lestrange in the wizarding world would have blown my tiny mind. Honestly, as an older teen seeing Zoe Kravitz in that little photo frame in Newt’s case in the first film was iconic enough for me. After growing up being made to believe I was ‘unattractive’ because of how I looked, seeing total dreamboats like Callum Turner and Eddie Redmayne’s characters being all heart-eyes over Leta is, like...wow!  And I do have an uncomfortable truth for people who want Leta to die. That would possibly be the WORST thing to happen for the Newtina thing (would pretty much be the last nail in the coffin for me ever coming around to it). I’ve seen it happen in my family when someone you love dies. Your feelings for them essentially FREEZE. You can’t fall out of love with someone who is dead. That’s of course not to say that you don’t love again and just as much as the first time. But it takes time (LOTS of it) and there’s a little part of your heart that’s like…permanently sealed off. I don’t even like Newtina yet and I’m hoping for the sake of the Newtina fans that Leta doesn’t die because freakin’ yikes. Just let them heal and connect and be besties again goddammit, its POSSIBLE (and bet your ass I’ll write it my god damn self to prove it if they don’t). 

I know these are highly unpopular opinions and I HOPE that I am wrong, and they do her character justice and don’t discard her via death or the dark side.

In summary, I suppose my biggest struggle with Leta’s character is definitely the overwhelming fandom hate which I still can’t quite comprehend. I really want to believe it isn’t a race thing. Though, I have seen horrible posts about Leta, mean comments on nearly every Leta promo, Zoe Kravitz literally being called a c*nt in the comments of a Leta post on tumblr, a lot of fanfictions having her be primarily evil, selfish, manipulative, in some a rapist even, ugly, cruel, etc. But honestly, she’s literally not interfering in Newt having a relationship with anyone at all??? She’s literally been villainised because her friend can’t get over her (getting Snily nostalgia). But buggered if I’ve been able to find next to anything of that calibre about Jacob’s fiancée (literally a Queenie doppelganger) who left him, like, the day he met Queenie. I get that it was a deleted scene for those non-hardcore fans, but Leta-hate was literally kicked off by a picture in a photo frame and a comment made by a, in my opinion, kind of not-nearly-as-infallible-as-people-think character that barely knows Newt breaking into his head non-consensually (after being repeatedly told not to) who had an agenda to hook him up with her sister. Sooo…*shrugs*.

Even I personally have tried to keep out of the fandom debates, but I wrote a Leta and Newt story (still ongoing) that I stopped for a while because the kind of disgusting comments I was receiving about people hating the pairing. Which, I get. You don’t like a pairing, that’s cool? Why are you going and seeking out a piece about them and then taking the time to leave a comment? Whenever I start to read a story about Leta being this horrific monster of a person and being torn apart and compared and occasionally borderline racist, I just…click out? I know it’s only a small patch of weeds in what is likely a garden of roses, but I have never come across such an insecure fandom for a literal canon ship. If the relationship was that pure and strong, you wouldn’t feel the need to kill or villainise the (non-existent) ‘threat’. I just hope the writers feel the same way. You can write healthy closures and strong women of colour characters without casting them aside for plot development/man pain/stereotypical Caucasian romance/plot device, etc... I’m going to go into the theatre at the end of the week slightly optimistic to be fair but I’m also fully expecting to be disappointed but honestly, Leta could avada kedavra every character and she’s still going to be my favourite, I don’t make the rules. 

#fantastic beasts and where to find them #fantastic beasts #fantastic beasts the crimes of grindelwald #leta lestrange #not going to put this in any other character tags bc my anxiety is poppin #ive also been avoiding the leta tags because im trying to keep focused on not spoiling anything but its hard as hell #pls dont spoil it for me in the comments if you decide to comment

[heartsoftruth]

1/Hi, I apologize in advance for this long message but I just wanted to ask you if you had ever received insults or criticisms or even guys who harassed you because you're a girl who loves football? I'm asking you this because I live this constantly. Yesterday when Barça won the CDR I was so happy so I shared my joy on my social media and I commented on some FB publications related to the match and the majority of ppl on these pages are men so I have only received insults degrading messages.

Anonymous said:2/I was told to go back to the kitchen, that I should go back to clean, that I loved Barça only for cute players or that I probably didn’t know anything about football and was probably repeating what men around me were saying to look smart,.. I will not tell you everything they told me but it was really degrading and mean, I absolutely did not say anything bad, there were comments from guys who writed bullshit on the post but no one answered them but under mine there was like 100 replies.

Anonymous said:3/And I just wrote “I’m so happy and sad at the same time, I will miss Andres so much, it will not be the same without him..” On my other comments also I received insults like "Come suck my c*ck, you will be more useful” “oh a girl trying to make herself interesting by loving football” “shut your mouth bitch it’s a page for men here, go back to cook” And all that just because I’m a girl, if it had been a man who had commented the same thing they would have agreed with him.

Anonymous said:4/It’s unbelievable that a woman can’t love football as much as a man do without being looked at or asked to justify why she really loves football because if a girl likes football it’s surely because she’s in love with the players or wants to fuck with them or that she invents it to have the attention of men, because it is impossible that a woman can really love or understand football, so when it happens I have to justify myself so that they are convinced that I really like this sport..Anonymous said:5/It’s sad that in 2018 for a lot of ppl women = cooking, doing housework, pleasing men and keep quiet. Usually I avoid going into the football debates of my male friends or those of my family because they automatically make fun of me and my opinion is irrelevant. So if you have a vagina your brain is too stupid to understand football and enjoy it? I’m tired of having to hide my passion for football because I risk being insulted. It’s sad because I know I’m not the only one who suffers this..

Anonymous said:6/I discovered football when I was a child, I quickly became a big fan, I even played it many years but growing up my dad start laughing at me and telling me that I should be more interested in girls stuff and he asked me which player I was as much in love to continue to love football like that and the men around me told me that women’s football was not real football so I should stop playing it, my mother also agreed that I should stop because she was afraid that her daughter become a tomboy.

Anonymous said:7/I was stupid enough to believe theses bullshit and I stopped playing at my club. Yes I am feminine in general, I also like makeup, dresses, shoes and stuff like that but sometimes I like to wear my Barça jersey or football outfits too and when I walk in the street with it I get glances, guys who come to talk to me or say that I’m ridiculous with my jersey, one day 2 guys even come to ask me questions on the club to see if I really know about Barça and that it’s not just to get attention..

Anonymous said:8/It’s tiring and exhausting, I’d like to love this sport without suffering all that, what’s the deal with that, it’s a sport among many, why it’s impossible to let a girl enjoy this sport without belittling her? Why is it so difficult for men to believe that we really love this sport too without necessarily wanting to fuck with players? I’m tired, it’s getting depressing and with all the insults I received yesterday I feel like I’m going to be crazy, I really wanted to cry because of my anger..

Anonymous said:9/If you or the followers of your blog undergo this too, can you tell me how you do to support it or to finish with that please? And if there are guys who follow your blog I’d like them to explain to me, if they do these things, just why ? Why a woman who loves football should deserve so much hate and criticism and why it’s as difficult for guys to accept that women can love football too? I’m really sorry again for this long message but I’m really fed up.. 😫

Heey girlie!! OMG dont apologize for the long message! I feel like you needed to vent a little and then it’s 100% better to just write it all down instead of keeping it in. and DAMN you had all the reasons to vent, because what those neanderthals wrote to you MAKES MY BLOOD BOILLLLLLLLL FUUUUUUCK!!!

BOOOOOILLLLLL!!!! 

Im gonna reply to the parts in parts because otherwise the answer will be an unstructured mess. 

½/3: I dont even know where to start with my first off all comment with this ask! But pffff. It;s so so soooo sad that in 2018 people like that put comments under just a very normal and very correct post. It’s also really sad because probably right now you will think twice before commenting something under a footy Facebook thing. 

AND PLEAAAAASEE! Let me know what kind of FB page that is? I am literally fuming and almost on the verge of making a Twitter account for my Tumblr page to post it on here. It’s not fucking normal that when a girl says something about football guys talk like that. It’s not and it’s not ok. 100 replies under your comment? And all like that?? Pfff. Damn. FUMINGGGGG. 

I can understand you feel bad about it bc of all these people jumping on some kind of bandwagon behind their PC’s. Insecure bunch of dicks! 

4/5: Indeed we women have to know WAAAY more about football then men, because if we dont then we’re not serious about it or only watch it for the guys. “YESSSSS!!! THATS TOTALLY TRUE!!!! I watch 90+ minutes of football just for a few close-ups of the football players I like!!!11!1 Makes total sense” said no women who watches football ever. 

6/7/8/9: aaawhh… That is so sad… :( I can’t imagine how that must have felt as a child to be doing something you love but your parents make it out to be as if it was wrong. Not every girl likes pink and barbies just like not every guy likes blue and cars/football. Indeed I also love make up and getting dressed up etc etc. But I also love sitting in a cafe and watching football with a beer or something haha. 

I never wear a football shirt on the streets - unless im going to a match or watch in a cafe - today was the first time actually in my yellow PSG shirt haha. But no one said anything to me (other than a few hey girl). But it’s sad we have to prove something to these idiots… 

I think we’ve sadly all have had an experience like that. When I was younger and asked my friend at her party (or whatever it was) to see the football score a guy was like “what??? You dont watch it? Well then explain to me what off side is?!” That was the first time some guy asked me it and I did do it, but when someone would ask me it now I said: “You would ask a guy that too who says he watches football? Nope huh? So I won’t show you either!”

In Paris also on the way to the hotel the Uber driver was talking etc etc. And we spoke about football and I said how excited I am to finally see Neymar and hope he’s not injured anymore (because at the time he was stil injured and unclear if he would play) and all that blabla. And in one moment he said (in a joking way) oh you’re only here to see Neymar other than that you dont watch it. And I gave him a reality check real quick. My friend wanted to interfere and talk over it and I was like no no noooo. Lemme say my peace. 

Or at work people know I also love Neymar and then one new colleague thought it was funny (and maybe cool in front of the other guys) to say I only watch football for Neymar. And I gave him a reality check too. 

I used to bite my tongue when it came to that, but nowadays I’m like nope. I dont watch so much football for some insecure dick to be talking like that to me. 

But theres also many guys who you can just have a normal convo with about football. Like yesterday I had one with a guy I didn’t know and he was so chill. Or when I’m in the bar watching you also have guys normally coming up like are you also this nervous etc etc. During the Euro’s too. Met many friendly people who just spoke to us about football. Ok and s

What I also think is one of the problem is because many girls indeed just wear a shirt because it looks cute (which they of course can), but it makes it more difficult for us to be taken serious. Especially with tournaments like the Euros and WC many just watch football bc it’s fun with everyone in a cafe but they have no idea what they’re watching. And end up only confirming some of the thoughts by these neathertals. 

Can I ask you where you’re from btw?And please do tell which bs ass fb page you posted this one. I would be a good thing to create all these accounts to back you up or something. 

And indeed I’m curious too how other followers react to stupid comments like that?

And keep watching the sport you love girl! I know its tough at times being doubted to often for just watching something you like but lets hope that someday no one will question why we watch the sport we love. 

#very long reply #but yeah... haha #anonymous

[mydarlingfelix]

Get to know me tag(s)!

Tagged by: @hyunjinh  @felox-the-great @jaeffreyy @squishywoojin @welcometochanskitchen @dabkingfelix @mosquitofelix

Hi! I’m Summer btw (Ik it’s not in my bio), but I just go by Sum or other nicknames lol *I also just put multiple “get to know me” tags in 1 lol THIS IS A SUPER LONG POST IM SORRY However thank you for tagging me!! I Love you all soOoOo much!

Bold Thingy Tag

1ST RULE: tag 9 people you want to get to know better

I think everyone done this already fkjdjgb

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo -I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair (idk it’s growing) - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month (Lucy wanted to be drawn for her bday and I did a watercolor portrait thing ig? for her) - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority- I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol- I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event- I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling (I have like 5)- I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity (?) - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship (not a healthy one at least)- I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily (It’s disgusting, wtf is wrong with me. I don’t need feels) - I have had a crush for over a year (Umm kinda he’s just really really cute. I talked to Dain about this before) - I have been in a relationship for over a year (but not currently) - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages - I have made a new friend in the past year

Alphabet Soup Tag

A: Age - “I’m 19, you fight me?” B: Birthplace - Cali C: Current time - As I’m during this 1:26pm D: Drink you had last - Water, but also Thai Tea Boba E: Easiest person to talk to - F: Favorite song - None G: Grossest memory - My cousin’s and I were doing a auntie and niece day and went theMall and I saw this girl throw up on the second floor in Forever 21. I felt sorry for the workers...  H: Hogwarts house - G I: in love? - nah, never gonna happen J: Jealous of people? - It’s only a human aspect, you’re only truly horrible if you do something nasty to others because of that feeling K: Killed someone? - Not yet lmfao L: Love at first sight or should I walk by again? - No thank you M: Middle name - Summer N: Number of siblings - 5 O: One wish - None P: Person you called last - My mom Q: Question you are always asked - Idk tbvh R: Reason to smile - Idk things make me happy S: Song you sang last - The Unit No way (I dont remember the unit colors)  T: Time you woke up - 6:43am  U: Underwear color - White  V: Vacation destination - South Korea, Japan, & idk the other one, but honestly my goal is to visit all my mutuals before I died lmfaooo W: Worst habit - Not caring, sleeping in, getting distracted easily, being anixious all the time.  X: X-rays - Teeth Y: Your favorite food - I have a lot... Z: Zodiac sign - Gemini

🥛 Colour(s) I’m currently wearing: Black... Just a lot of black (I need to stop wearing sm black omg)  🍥 Last band t-shirt I bought: I don’t ever buy clothes for myself, idk when was last time? Maybe during the Got7 concert?  🥛 Last band I saw live: Got7 (Fly In LA: Day 1) and Paradise (A Hmong Band)  🍥 Last song I listened to: Rn I’m listening to The Unit’s Cherry on Top  🥛 Lipstick or chapstick: Idk... I wear lip tints.  🍥 Last movie I watched: Ever Wonder? (idk it’s a true story about the creation of wonder women)  🥛 Last 3 TV shows I watched: Wanna One Go, Wanna One x Aimgo TV, and The Unit 🍥 Last 3 characters I identified with: Kora, Steven Universe, & Ken Kaneki (idk for this part, I never thought about this fkdfdkgd)  🥛 Book I’m currently reading: Books for my classes njfdkjd 

What’s my name? (Imma just put my initials) 

M. S. L.

What’s my nickname?

Sum, SumSum, SumShine, Summahh Girl, Tsumdere, Chee, 

How old am I?

“I’m 19, you fight me?”

What got me into Kpop?

SJ- Sorry Sorry, but Got7 made me offically stay and learning everything about the kpop fandom

What’s my favourite Kpop group?

Rn W1 (the most)

Who’s my ultimate bias?

Park Jihoon

What groups/artists do I stan?

Too many to count, you all can ask my personally if you want lol

What groups/artists do I casually listen to?

A lot, I try to be diverse, but what’s good music is good music to me. Feel free to suggest me some :D

What artists do I listen to that aren’t Kpop?

Ahh I’m lazy, but just good sounding music. Calvin Harris just popped up in my head. fknfkjskfnj 

Who’s my bias and bias wrecker from my ultimate group(s)?

Omfg

Wanna One: Park Jihoon & Kang Daniel

JBJ: Kim Donghan & ??? (They’re all messing me up rn)

SK: Felix & I think Hyunjin? Idk

What’s your favourite song(s) to sing/hum?

It’s recently been Chungha’s roller coaster lol and The Unit songs  

What are your favourite flower/tree/plant (all 3 or whatever you have an answer to)?

I really love plants and flowers in general, however Peonies are one of my many faves!! 

Favourite colour(s)?

Pink, blue, purple, black, white, and gray

What do you always doodle (if you ever do)?

Umm yeah I always doodling, but I try not to because I want to be able to focus in class haha. 

How do you take your coffee/tea? If you don’t like those what’s your fav warm drink?

It probably like 20% coffee and 80% french vanilla cream nfksjfgsbjg sometimes I add a lil milk too 

Favourite candle scent?

Anything flowery, but i really like sweet pea smell lol. I don’t any candles yet, so I don’t quite know which I like more yet. Soorrryy

Sunrise or Sunset?

Sunset! The colors are soo pretty and like it doesn’t require me to wake up from my sleep lmfao. The transitions of day and night it just so beautiful! and the stars that start peeking through the dark sky! 

What perfume do you wear if any?

I don’t wear perfume? I have them at home but in my opinion I feel like if you’ve showered and smell nice why try to mix more scents onto you?? and I don’t really need it? DONT WORRY I AM CLEAN NFJSNJF idk if I make any sense

What’s your go to dance move when you’re alone?

-

Favourite quote?

“The moon is friend for the lonesome to talk to.” ― Carl Sandburg 

&  “We ran as if to meet the moon.” ― Robert Frost  

& also 

“The moon and stars just for you my love” - Me lol 

Favourite self care thing(s) or routine(s)?

Umm... Drawing. Showering and putting a face mask afterwards. Painting my nails. It’s more like small things, especially like painting my nails and drawings are things I can’t do often because I try to focus on school, because ik I’m bad at focusing. Sleeping and reminding to just eat, when I get too busy and focused I tend to skip meals. njfkdsnfj s

Fuzzy socks or House slippers?

OMFG BOTH THAT’S LIKE THE BEST COMBO! I have these pinky and purple house slippers I got aND IT’S FUZZY KSFJ SK IT’S SOOO CUTE OMG!! I love. nfjdnfd 

What colour are your eyes? 

Dark Brown

What’s your favourite eye colour on others?

Hazel, black, and gray

Favourite season? why?

Autumn and Winter (Ik contradicts with my name) but I love the rain! and cloudy weather! The sound of rain is calming and being inside while hearing the rain is nice. I really love Spring too when the flowers begin to bloom and like it’s a fresh type of feeling when spring hits lol.

Cheek, neck or nose kisses?

SJFNKFS Honestly depends on my mood  (´•/// ω \\\•`) but I like cheek kisses because softtt

What does your happy place look like?

My room on a rainy day with my fairy lights flickering

Favourite breed of dog?

YO OKAY SO I SAW THIS FB POST ABOUT THIS DOG BEAR AND I WANT A DOG BEAR IDK WHAT THEY’RE CALLED JKFDFHKSF. My dad is a dog breeder as a side business, so I grew up with pitbulls, pocket pits, american bull dogs, frenches, and now ‘exotics’ are the trend atm. 

Do you ever want to be married? If so what colours would you pick for your wedding theme?

Umm yes and no? I’m not sure. If I have an American wedding I like to stick to a traditional white with maybe a peach and light pink here and there, but for sure I would love to do a traditional Hmong wedding. 

Silk or Lace?

Silk feels nice, but I like lace too :)

Favorite weather?

SF type of weather 

#tag game // done #get to know me tag #omfg i have sm tags to do jfdkgf dkg #this has been long over due #nbfjdkbgfjd #sorry

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful

[wanna-17]

joshua highschool!au

summary: you and joshua hong were strangers at a tutoring academy but what happens when he moves to your school and you guys bond over music and small cute moments?

genre: fluff, slice of life, semi-real life 

style: bullet-point 

length: 4.4k 

a/n: so this is something i’ve wanted to write for a while because it’s actually semi real life (not me ofc i cry someone i know) and i think their story is super cute. i’ve made some alternatives e.g. in real life it’s a church/school setting but because i’m posting on tumblr i decided to change it to a tutoring academy/school setting. but do let me know if you want a  version of the original setting :) also this ended up being really really long (mainly bc i know like a lot of exact details and wanted to include as much as i can) and im unsure if you guys like my writing style but im hoping to improve more over time as i hopefully write more bullet point styled scenarios :) 

so you’ve been going to this tutoring academy for a while and you go like once a week

you actually look forward to tutoring bc u were actually put in a really good class where everyone is friends and even have a group chat for memes 

anyways theres this guy called joshua who sits at the back

and hes like the most handsome guy in the class and all the girls /not so/ secretly fawn over him 

and like there are loads of rumours about him which claim that he opened his own lil company that makes apps and stuff which earns him $$$ at the age of 12 and how he like used a drone to capture the whole of his relatives wedding and how he like mastered 3 instruments and is a tech genius and on top of that really smart

which you obviously dont believe because thats not even human ??

anyways you do admit he’s sort of ok-above-average lookswise but u aint that shallow because he has a bad personality and you just hate him 

but you have evidence for hating him !! 

one time you accidentally walked into him verbally being mean to this other poor guy 

so you naturally just assumed he was a bully and had a bad impression of him

you thought he was a prideful annoying rude and horrible person 

and you just dont understand the hype about him at the tutoring academy 

like they literally give out flyers with his face on it ?? umm ?? what marketing purposes lmao 

anyways one day at tutor

your friend kyulkyung is like omg did u hear joshua is transferring to our school next year hdkhfaaku

kyulkyung is highkey a fangirl of him and always tries to talk you into him being a lil angel and nice person but you just snort lol

anyways you obviously dont care that he’s going to your school next year so you just shrug whatever 

later that night when u get home u get a friend request on facebook from...dun dun DUNNNN what a surprise joshua hong 

and you’re kinda like well ok ?? no harm in accepting a friend request 

you accidentally click on his name too and think oh well might as well stalk him a bit 

and damn his fb profile is super interesting bc he actually posts a lot but its not like dumb stuff boys usually post about video games 

but like cute family pictures of him and his lil bro and you’re like this boy is family oriented i LIKE 

then you suddenly come across a video...of this guy from your tutor...on kids masterchef

so u watch it and its the cutest thing ever 

lil joshua stirring an egg and trying to make an omelet hehehe

and omg apparently he made it to the semi finals of KIDS MASTERCHEF???

you keep scrolling down and thats when u come across the evidence of him opening up his company with an app and tech jazz and u r like is this guy even rEALL

you’re still doubtful tbh so u go the appstore and type in his app and it comes up...even with CREATOR OF XX APP: JOSHUA HONG ???? you literally fall off ur chair bc wow 

he cooks, he makes apps, he’s family oriented..that is all i need in a man HA HA 

so next time at tutor u see him ur lowkey like the other girls staring at him bc wow he seems decent all of a sudden lol 

ur other tutor friends are like: u r so lucky y/n josh’s gonna be at ur school 

and ur kinda thinking maybe i should befriend him now cos he’ll defs be super popular at school 

but tbh this fawning literally stops after 2 days and you go back to reality and focus on ur studies and all that 

well as for joshua he doesnt really know u too to him ur that cute girl from tutor nothing much 

fast forward to the next year ~

you kinda fully forget that josh is even coming 

so the first school day back is all nice and chill and u get to ur fave class music heheh 

you love music bc it really helps u concentrate and you also play clarinet and piano and love it 

you’re also topping the class and sometimes you think you wouldn’t mind being a music teacher 

so in music u take a seat next to your friend seungkwan who has power vocals and plays trumpet and when he sings at school performances you always accompany him as a pianist with woozi on drums 

you and suengkwan are just chatting and catching up about holidays

when the teacher walks in followed by a student and you see that its joshua 

and you’re like thinking o crap this is really awks i should hide

before u can do any of that tho he kinda makes a  beeline for you and takes the seat next to u cos he only knows u in the class haha 

and you’re literally looking the other way and u pretend u dont notice him take a seat next to u and you’re overly engaged in conversation with seungkwan

but seungkwan being the lovely and outgoing kid notices joshua and is like: hey!! are u new dont think ive seen u before

seungkwan is friends with everyone and everyone loves him back

joshua: uhh yeah i’m new 

and seungkwan is super excited and like welcome!! i’m seungkwan and he sticks his hand out and is like and ur name is?

joshua is like i’m joshua 

and seungkwan is like oh btw this is y/n 

and it gets super awks cos u guys know of each others existence but maybe have talked like once when he had to pass u a bag of chips at tutor and u were like thank u 

and seungkwan senses something and eyes you guys back and forth 

after 837491 decades josh breaks the silence and is like hello y/n in a really meek voice

and you awkwardly smile and say hi 

luckily class starts and the teacher introduces joshua to the class and asks him what instruments he plays 

and the rumours prove to be true - he plays 3 instruments piano guitar and flute the real life guy cant play piano lmao

teacher asks him to demonstrate with the instrument hes most confident in 

and so he starts playing the guitar to the tune of fireflies by owl city and also shyly starts singing to the lyrics check out how cute joshua is playing fireflies on his guitar here IM sOFTTT

and everyone is in awe at how good he is 

and you lowkey feel your heart rate increase bc boi you love guys that play guitar and sing well 

the way he sings is very gentle and sweet and the way he strums the guitar with his long fingers and how his eyes are full of gentle passion just makes you sWOOON

and somehow the way he sings with his emotions poured in just really touches your heart 

after his performance everyone starts clapping and some girls even stand up and cheer lmao 

he gets back to his seat and seungkwan gives him two thumbs up and says: bro are you kimbap kidding you were great you really should play guitar for me next time i sing

thanks says joshua bashfully and he kinda looks over to you with a hopeful look as if hoping you’d say something too

so you’re quickly like: yeah you were really good :)

josh: thanks y/n

anyways the teacher shushes everyone and is like: let me announce your first assignment! it’ll be in groups of 4 and it’ll be a cover of a pop song of your choice which you’d have to arrange yourselves. if you need help, you are welcome to ask other classmates that have experience in arranging or to ask me

whenver its group work you and seungkwan always join woozi

woozi comes over to you guys 

and then both woozi and seungkwan are like to joshua: wanna join our group pls

and so joshua joins your group 

and everyone else in class is jealous lmao because u 4 are definitely the top group with all the musical geniuses 

ur kinda happy that joshua joined ur group bc he’s really good at guitar 

and so u guys decide that u will do keyboard, joshua on guitar, woozi on drums and seungkwan on vocals 

and y’all learn that joshua knows how to hack into arranging music programs for free 

and woozi is like: WHAT MY LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE????

also shows u guys that infamous app you made and he has some secret code so u guys can download it for free instead of buying it for $15

ur group actually gets along really well and has good dynamics bc everyone has great ideas on what songs to do and how to do it and stuff 

and its actually really fun with them even though you’re still awkward around joshua for no reason and he’s kinda shy too lmao

joshua suggests doing “breakeven” by the script 

and u have a fangirl moment bc u love the script and everyone agrees that its a great song choice :)

anyways one day you guys decide to meet after school to practice and  to refine the arranged piece which joshua and woozi did 

BUT FOR SOME ODD REASON seungkwan can’t make it anymore bc he has to babysit his little brothers and woozi has a student council meeting 

so its just you and joshua

and you two have never been like alone before like during group practice you guys make small conversation when the other two there and its all good and sweet but this was gonna be AWKWARD 

anyways so you try to initiate conversation by asking how he’s finding the new school 

and he just gives a short answer: pretty ok 

and it becomes you two just asking each simple questions and giving short replies

but its only when you he asks you how you started getting into music that the conversation really starts going somewhere because your eyes light up while talking about music and so does hie eyes

and you guys talk about how classical music is so under-appreciated these days and how mozart is a music legend and just the beauty of music etc. etc.

and in no time its getting really dark and you both have to head home

you guys walk to the bus stop and he gets on your bus 

and you’re like: hey i don’t think i’ve seen you catch this bus before?

joshua: yeah, but this bus also takes me home there are two buses that stop near my home!

you: oh ok cool 

from that day on you and joshua actually got super close due to both your love for music

you guys always practiced together with seungkwan and woozi even when the group performance was over (and your group topped and got A+!!!!!!!!)

you also encouraged joshua to join the school band club which seungkwan and woozi were also part of

you literally baited him in because the school band club was going on tour to europe next year to get some sick masterclass training and perform at famous places in austria 

so he basically joined so he could go to europe ;)))))) HEHEH

and even though you guys have different friend groups you guys sat near each other in the classes you shared, went to band club every monday morning at like 7am and also sometimes grabbed food together before tutoring 

this was when literally EVERYONE at tutoring and school started shipping u two together and you’d get embarrassed and joshua wouldn’t really say much either 

and to be honest deep in your heart you thought joshua was the ideal boyfriend but you had a rule where you weren’t gonna date in high school bc you wanted to focus on studies and you thought that high school relationships dont last and that they were pointless

and you’ve never really had a crush before so you’re super clueless lmao 

one time students in ur music class volunteered to busk on the streets and you thought it’ll be fine so u and ur squad (josh, seungkwan and woozi) all signed up for it ^^ 

BUT when the day came around, woozi had a really bad fever and couldn’t get out of bed and seungkwan’s mum had to show up to work so seungkwan had to babysit his little brothers again

and so the busking was at school ..,,, except when u got to school the gates were locked AND it literally started pouring 

you regretted not agreeing to your mum driving u bc u were a good daughter and didn’t want to bother her when it was her birthday 

you also regretted not bringing an umbrella with u as u didn't want to miss ur bus 

and so there you were soaking wet in the rain on a saturday morning not pleasant 

you didn't know what to do and none of your gal friends were busking and u didn't want to bother them so you ended up calling joshua and he picked up in 2 rings 

joshua: hey whats up?

you: sorry to ask of this but are you almost at school? because the gates are locked

joshua: oh really? i’ll be there in like 1 minute

you: ok see you soon

and in exactly one minute a car appeared and joshua hopped out with an umbrella

and he had the most concerned expression when he saw u soaking wet without an umbrella

joshua: omg y/n are you stupid why dont you have an umbrella

you just sighed as he held the umbrella above both ur heads 

joshua: why don’t we go inside my mums car before we decide what to do i dont want you getting sick :( 

you guys headed to his mums car and he just held the umbrella above both your heads and you noticed that it covered more of you than him

he could have easily put his arm around u so he wouldn’t get wet at all 

but this was one thing you came to notice and really admire about joshua

that he’s such a respectful gentleman 

whenever you befriended a guy you’d low key make it clear that you weren’t interested and just jokingly friend zone them 

he never made you uncomfortable with his actions or words and always 100% respected you and kept his boundaries 

anyways soon u guys found out that you had to enter the school from the back gates instead of the front  gates and the rain slowly came to a stop

cue: joshua’s mum eyeing you two in the rear mirror from the front lmao

anyways the day went well and you guys had a lot of fun busking together and even got ice cream together afterwards :)) 

next year rolls around and you guys have only maths and music classes together but still hang at tutoring

its  valentines day and tbh u never expect much because you’ve never received a red rose you’ve only gotten those  yellow friendship roses 

but during roll call the person giving out roses is like: y/n a red rose for you!!!! and you’re so SO happy bc who could be this secret admirer??

the rose also came with a super lame pick up line “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

you were so curious as to who it was 

joshua: oooOOOHHHH whose the unlucky guy pls we all know its you lmao

anyways europe FINALLy  rolls around and heck u are keen to visit mozart’s house

some of your girl friends like eunwoo, yuha and roa are also going 

when the whole band club arrives in europe every day is busy busy with music workshops and such and its only 5 days in where the teachers who came on the trip give the students like 3 hours of free time

teacher: ok u guys must be in a pair at least so u don’t get lost!!

however, all ur friends only want to go shopping while u wanted to take a walk and admire the scenery of europe 

but then someone taps you on the shoulder and u turn around and its joshua 

joshua: hey what were you planning to do during the free time?

you: i wanted to look around and see the architecture and the scenery and stuff but everyone wants to go shopping :( 

joshua: oh really! thats so good because me too i’d rather take a walk around here rather than go shopping; all my friends wanted to shop too 

you: omg thats great we are always in sync arent we haha

joshua: yeah we are! let’s go together then?

so you and joshua walk around the land of austria and admire the beautiful architecture and takes pictures of the scenery and visit all the pretty churches 

it’s literally your favourite day so far in europe bc you’re so happy ahhaa

(little did you know tho seungkwan literally refused joshua to hang out with him bc he was so sick of seeing joshua tiptoe around you. seungkwan: I BEG U TO HAVE SOME ALONE TIME WITH HER PLS BE ROMANTIC PLS CONFESS ALREADYYYY)

so that night dinner is also free time so students can choose where they wanna go to eat and seungkwan joins you guys and you guys all end up in a really fancy and aesthetic restaurant 

where the lighting is dim, there are lit candles and roses hung around and its literally a beautiful restaurant

you’re super oblivious but seungkwan is like glaring at joshua the whole time and kicking him under the table 

while they’re having a staring contest you’re just chatting away about how much of a great time you’re having and how this is the first time in your life you’ve been inside such a nice restaurant and  chugging on your food 

after the meal you take a toilet break and little do you know while you’re doing so seungkwan is giving mediating lessons to joshua so he can calm down 

and by the time you get back seungkwan is gone

you: oh where did seungkwan go?

joshua: oh he just went to chat with woozi

you take a seat and is like: so do u reckon we should head now?

and then joshua is like: actually there’s something i really want to say to you

and you just look at him super confused bc did something bad happen?? and you’re just super clueless and oblivious to his feelings towards you

bc the reason why ppl even ship u guys in the first place is because everyone can see how the way he stares at you, cares for you, catches your bus thats a 15min walk to his home when there’s one that stops directly in front of his home, how he always helps you with work, how he always encourages you to not give up whenever you’re having a hard time 

and then joshua is like: y/n you probably have an idea already but i really like you, i like you a lot. i’ve liked you since we got ditched by seungkwan and woozi in music class and we ended up talking about music and had a proper conversation. also the rose for valentines day this year, that was me too 

and you are S H O O K 

and your mind is blank

and then you blurt out the dumbest thing ever 

“sorry i only see u as a friend and dont want to date in high school”

.....

teacher: ok guys we are heading back to the hotel now!!!!!

joshua’s eyes and shoulder’s drop completely and he looks so discouraged and sad

and you’re brain is just confused as to what just happened...you suddenly feel hurt? lost? 

you told yourself never to like anyone and up until now you’d never felt your heart race for anyone...you suddenly felt like you lost someone precious....someone special...

you guys part ways and head back to your respective friendship groups 

and the moment you get back to the hotel you head straight for your room, not wanting to talk to anyone about what just happened

bc girl u needed time to process what just happened and to really think bc you’re heart was aching for some strange reason 

(obviously you were oblivious to the fact that you had always liked joshua the whole time sighs) 

you can’t think straight so you decide to call ur sister nayoung 

you completely forget about the time difference between europe and australia 

and so when nayoung picks up she’s groaning into the phone: IDIOT ITS 7AM HERE AND A SATURDAY I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP 

you: you won’t believe what happened

nayoung: what did you get a boyfriend lmao

bc before u went to europe ur sister always joked about finding a handsome european guy with a cool accent lmao

you: not really no

nayoung: WHAT 

so you tell your sister everything that happened and how you felt so empty and lost after rejecting joshua and unexpectedly you even start crying 

and you can hear your sister sigh over the phone

nayoung: look y/n, the fact that you’re crying and even more confused obviously means you like him. to be honest i always had a feeling he liked you and i also thought you liked him too. these days all you ever talk about is him at home and you’ve never said a negative thing about him,,, you totally like him 

and you being a stubborn one are like: “no he’s my friend a really close friend that i trust, he’s basically my brother, its like i lost a relative” you sob

nayoung: remember in weightlifting fairy kim bok joo...do you think you’ll be okay if joshua wasn’t by your side anymore? think about it carefully, thank about all the times you relied on him in the last year sorry had to bring in weightlifting fairy kim bokjoo because #swag forever and this part actually happened in real life bc the girls sister said this lmao

and well it was true that you’d relied on joshua too much recently there were times where you were struggling and u turned to him for advice in particular that time where you were considering dropping out of music bc it was getting stressful and taking up so much time

and no matter what your family and friends said you wouldn’t listen but when joshua advised you mind u with the exact same things nayoung said you somehow trusted his words and he was like your rock at times and always willing to listen to u and encourage u 

by this point more and more tears were flowing and you didn’t even know why YOU LIKE JOSHUA BUT U R OBLIVIOUS POTATO 

nayoung: maybe you can tell him that you were flustered so you can rethink it again you might regret this later

you: ok thats a good idea ill try to...

and after nayoung the best sister in the world pep talked u and lectured u for the next hour u finally decided that you would reconsider ur decision and let joshua know 

you were dreading the awkwardness bc ever since the confession u guys had not talked and avoided eye contact at all costs 

you sighed and decided to sleep so u wouldn’t have to think about it for now and deal with it tomorrow

meanwhile in joshua and seungkwans room 

josh: seUNGKWAN U LIL IDIOT she freaking rejected me this is the most embarrassing rejection in the world how will i live after today??????

seungkwan: i dont get it tho y/n clearly likes u why would she reject u i even asked y/n’s sister nayoung to see if she had a crush on anyone 

josh: i’m never talking to u again seungkwan do u know how hurt i am 

*cue seungkwan trying to make joshua laugh by acting out natural disaster scenes from american movies lmao* 

so the next day you’re trying to find the opportunity to talk to joshua but he was always surrounded by ppl 

and u were so nervous bc u had planned what to say in ur head and despite the weather being -2318 degrees Celsius u were sweating from head to toe 

anyways right after breakfast and before boarding the bus u finally see joshua by himself because seungkwan had gone to the loo 

and you slowly approach joshua taking deep breaths because u were about to face the most awkward conversation of ur life 

but before u actually reached joshua he saw u coming and awkwardly looked away as he rubbed the back of his  neck

but u had to do this nayoung was right what if u regretted this and took this to ur grave he was the one guy u were so comfortable around and u could be yourself and he was so supportive and not to mention cute and smart too 

you: hey josh

josh: oh uh hi y/n

you: ummm look i wanted to talk to u about ummm yesterdays events 

cringe it was already getting so so so awkward bury me in a hole already

josh: ahhh ok sure what do you need to say?

you: the thing i’m really sorry about what i said yesterday...tbh i was really flustered and i just ended up blurting that out i hope i didn't hurt you. but i wanted to ask if u could give me a chance to reconsider what u said bc ur a really great  guy and i think i’ve never seen u in a romantic way before so starting now i’ll seriously consider your feelings for me and also work out if i have feelings for u 

and u were so embarrassed and u felt ur cheeks go red  and ur looking at the ground

josh: a chance? i couldn’t even get a single minute of sleep last night says josh jokingly

you: omg really im so sorry :(

josh: its okay im really happy that you’re giving me a chance ;;; like tbh if u think about it, we go same tutoring, see each other in band club and even share closes together...we really can’t be awkward around each other so i was thinking of approaching u and telling u that its ok if u didn't feel the same way

you: *blush* yeah thats true.............

josh: so y/n dont be awkward anymore ok? lets go back to the way we were

you nod sheepishly 

josh: and just give me your answer when you’re ready,,, i can wait an eternity for u HDJWFHWWK CAN YOU IMAGINE JOSHUA ACTUALLY SAYING THAT I CANT EVEN 

and yay its all good between u guys and no awkwardness and you guys back to your usual relationship

and like the more you think about it, you find urself falling for joshua and noticing just how handsome he was and how kind he was 

and you just really liked the fact that he was such a gentleman 

he didn’t push you about your feelings, he continued to respect ur personal space and he didn’t make moves on u and just continued to be a good friend 

but u heard from seungkwan that he was hurting a lot inside even though he smiled whenever u were around 

and u didn’t like seeing him in this state 

so you decided on ur answer !!! 

(bc ur heart fluttered so much whenever you were around him and u started actually caring about ur looks and how he thought of u) 

it was first period at school and it was music class

like 97% of music classes it was just practice 

and u purposely get seungkwan and woozi to practice with all the other students 

so u and joshua are just sitting on the stairs and joshua is lightly strumming on his guitar looking like a prince i tell u 

and u guys are just chatting away normally and u tell yourself i need to say it its okay it’s normal i’m just gonna say it 

and u probably have a super panicky look on ur face 

and josh is like: r u ok y/n?

you: im fine..it’s just that i wanted to tell you something...about u know...that

and you see josh’s face literally drop and he stops strumming his guitar and mumbles: oh

because joshua thinks he’s gonna get rejected for the second time rip 

and you’re really flustered again so you’re like

“i like you too, i want to give us a chance i can’t afford to lose you”

and literally the josh’s mouth curls into the biggest grin and u can see his eye smile hdahfoeifhq

and he looks you in the eye: y/n will you be my girlfriend starting from today?

you: yes i will joshua 

IDAHLQF QYES FINALLY YOU GUYS ARE TOGETHER

literally everyone is happy and suengkwan wants to throw a party for u guys

basically at school u guys are the music couple bc u guys sometimes do duets and are always defending each other when other ppl say that classical music is dumb 

and one time a teacher was super mean to u and joshua stood up for you and you are like where did the shy joshua go 

you guys perform a lot with the squad aka seungkwan and woozi 

joshua even shouts seungkwan bc seungkwan played a big role 

*nayoung in the background: what about me :((((((* 

and like at tutoring the tutor, jeonghan is even happy and is like to this kid: pass me $10 i said so they’d get together this year lmao 

i just realised i forgot about kyulkyung lmao 

kyulkyung is so happy and loves third wheeling dates to get free food lmao bc joshua is such a gentleman and insists on paying all the time

but eventually u guys decide to take turns and agree that he can treat desert 

and yeah you guys are couple goals because super supportive of each other, always watching out for one another and you guys only have eyes for each other 

ok i need to end it here lmao its like too long

and yes this girl got confessed to in austria (when they live in australia) its actually so romantic tbh im not jealous at all *wiggles eyebrows* 

#joshua hong scenarios #seventeen scenarios #hong jisoo scenarios #seventeen imagines #joshua hong imagines #hong jisoo imagines #seventeen #jisoo scenarios #joshua scenarios #hong joshua scenarios #joshua hong #joshua #pledis seventeen #pledis 17 #seventeen fanfiction #hong jisoo fanfiction #joshua hong fanfiction

[marlaluster]

emptying clipboard w items numbered

1. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=423381868086295&id=100012434566027&fs=4&ref=m_notif&notif_t=group_activity 2. I am trying to post a link to a memory post sharing a link from a post on Tumblr that tells people should buy a tiny home if they have $30,000 because it can be yours n not something that can be lost w more traditional home options that involve putting a down payment on a home or involve renting, etc, ie options where the shelter/dwelling is not owned by the person securely n completely. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=423381868086295&id=100012434566027&fs=4&ref=m_notif&notif_t=group_activity 3. The devil is making a link not post that i am trying to share here, so i will add the link as an update on this post after posting it without the link. The thing I am trying to post is a link to a fb memory post sharing a link from a year ago to Facebook that is from a post on Tumblr that tells that people should buy a tiny home if they have $30,000 because it can be yours n not something that can be lost w more traditional home options that involve putting a down payment on a home or involve renting, etc, ie options where the shelter/dwelling is not owned by the person securely n completely. 4. I read a long time ago the book The Great Gatsby. I was unfortunately taking a horrible graduate level class where the book was central to the course activities n the course involved some tedious task called annotating the book, meaning finding items n terms from the book n providing context on what they meant in the time period the book was written or the time period that is the setting of the book or just giving mainly historical detail on seeming unfamiliar terms n etc in the books. What a horrible, horrible class! I dropped out of the class after it was supposed to be appropriate timing to do so, i was supposed to be such a disaster in relation to the class n the experience, including dropping out. I did have some interest in the book The Great Gatsby, it was easy to read as I remember, but quite as I remember it, a horrible horrible story n story line because it was extremely depressing. But back to why im REALLY sharing here something about this book The Great Gatsby. Very interesting the name Tom popping up so much in the things of devil world, w like the saying "Every Tom, Dick n Harry," there are some kinds of I think products w the name Tom also like the TomTom vehicle navigation system. Theres the story of Tom Sawyer. This book The Great Gatsby I read back in 2008, the winter of that year, has a character w the name Tom n he is a football player, too. So I thought that was interesting, such a match to the occurrence in supposed real life of Tom Brady, a quarter back for the New England Patriots (he's number 12). What does it all mean. I heard a bit in my mind about it. The devil is attacking my thoughts, it was, as i was writing this. But a strange story w the characters being maybe not so apparent as what they really mean in The Great Gatsby, at least I could say as i remember they seem not so apparent as what they are possibly to mean now that i further consider the character of Tom. And I did actually have some idea of Tom when I read the book then in a way it is somewhat confusing or just not so obvious what the attention or focal point of the book is, he seemed intriguing, attractive but he wasn't supposed to be to me since he was to be something kind of white supremacist in the book. "You are not okay, you are not smart. No," the devil said as I was writing here the first version or draft of my comments on this. I don't care what you think, I was saying that to the devil. The thing was just saying something like that it doesn't like that I don't care about the conventional ideas here that try to tell that things are scarce like someone being smart n things like this. "I don't know what to do. I am not allowed to do that," the devil said. Smart as in the thing, ie the devil is so obsessed w stuff I'm saying seeming smart at points n it tries to say someone else is saying it n stuff like this. It was just pressing something on me now, a sense I was supposed to be less than or was to have said something less than. "Oh my god!" The devil said. "I am not allowed to go on. Whatever is the things here. You have to go," the devil said. But weird story. Apparently a weird kind of positioning of things. The devil is pressing something on my sense of things, it's pressing I am supposed to be not able to think of things or something to remember the story. "Is that something that is less, right. But I must go," the devil said. It keeps pressing that some girl is to be in my awareness as someone to dictate that the story of the great Gatsby belongs to her n if someone will tell about it now she is to have some effect on her or something. So very insane, so very horrible, the thing is so obsessed. One thing i can tell about that surfaced in my experience w this book was I heard that the meaning of the book was to be just for the sake of like telling story or something like this, for the sake of some artistic telling, something like that. It was a superficial thing said that I read about was to be the meaning of the book. It was like saying the book had no relation to the experience, ie a person's experience of life n the elements of a person's experience of Lufe, to help make meaning of things n shed light on things. The thing I heard was saying this basically, it may have actually included some kind comment on that the book was not to have a social meaning to like things outside of the book. The devil attacking very bad as i was writing this, some w the durst version n also very bad w a edit on this. Here is an excerpt of something that came up as a result of a Bing search trying to find info on the character of Tom, the text i copied n that's pasted below is telling a little about the character of Tom in the book The Great Gatsby. ..... The Purpose of Tom Buchanan in “The Great Gatsby”. Tom Buchanan is a football player from Chicago whose family is extremely rich, he studied at Yale with Nick, and he is the husband of Daisy (Gatsby’s lover). He came to New York, and lives in East egg which is the place for the “Old rich”. Purpose of Tom Buchanan in the Great Gatsby … www.studymode.com/essays/Purpose … Feedback... ----- https://www.bing.com/search?q=tom+great+gatsby+football+player&PC=SMSM&FORM=MBDPSB -------- http://thegreatgatsby.wikia.com/wiki/Tom_Buchanan 5. http://www.latimes.com/opinion/editorials/la-ed-homeless-crisis-overview-20180225-htmlstory.html 6. I read a long time ago the book The Great Gatsby. I was unfortunately taking a horrible graduate level class where the book was central to the course activities n the course involved some tedious task called annotating the book, meaning finding items n terms from the book n providing context on what they meant in the time period the book was written or the time period that is the setting of the book or just giving mainly historical detail on seeming unfamiliar terms n etc in the books [book]. What a horrible, horrible class! I dropped out of the class after it was supposed to be appropriate timing to do so, i was supposed to be such a disaster in relation to the class n the experience, including dropping out. I did have some interest in the book The Great Gatsby, it was easy to read as I remember, but quite as I remember it, a horrible horrible story n story line because it was extremely depressing. But back to why im REALLY sharing here something about this book The Great Gatsby. Very interesting the name Tom popping up so much in the things of devil world, w like the saying "Every Tom, Dick n Harry." There are some kinds of I think products w the name Tom also like the TomTom vehicle navigation system. Theres the story of Tom Sawyer. This book The Great Gatsby I read back in 2008, the winter of that year, has a character (that is not the main character or a supposed "good guy") w the name Tom n he is a football player, too. So I thought that was interesting, such a match to the occurrence in supposed real life of Tom Brady, a big guy like Tom in the book n a football player, ie quarter back for the New England Patriots (he's number 12). What does it all mean. I heard a bit in my mind about it. The devil is attacking my thoughts, it was, as i was writing this. But a strange story w the characters being maybe not so apparent as what they really mean in The Great Gatsby, at least I could say as i remember they seem not so apparent as what they are possibly to mean now that i further consider the character of Tom. And I did actually have some idea of Tom when I read the book then in a way it is somewhat confusing or just not so obvious what the attention or focal point of the book is, he seemed intriguing, attractive but he wasn't supposed to be to me since he was to be something kind of white supremacist in the book. "You are not okay, you are not smart. No," the devil said as I was writing here the first version or draft of my comments on this. I don't care what you think, I was saying that to the devil. The thing was just saying something like that it doesn't like that I don't care about the conventional ideas here that try to tell that things are scarce like someone being smart n things like this. "I don't know what to do. I am not allowed to do that," the devil said. Smart as in the thing, ie the devil is so obsessed w stuff I'm saying seeming smart at points n it tries to say someone else is saying it n stuff like this. It was just pressing something on me now, a sense I was supposed to be less than or was to have said something less than. "Oh my god!" The devil said. "I am not allowed to go on. Whatever is the things here. You have to go," the devil said. But weird story. Apparently a weird kind of positioning of things. The devil is pressing something on my sense of things, it's pressing I am supposed to be not able to think of things or something to remember the story. "Is that something that is less, right. But I must go," the devil said. It keeps pressing that some girl is to be in my awareness as someone to dictate that the story of the great Gatsby belongs to her n if someone will tell about it now she is to have some effect on her or something. So very insane, so very horrible, the thing is so obsessed. One thing i can tell about that surfaced in my experience w this book was I heard that the meaning of the book was to be just for the sake of like telling story or something like this, for the sake of some artistic telling, something like that. It was a superficial thing said that I read about was to be the meaning of the book. It was like saying the book had no relation to the experience, ie a person's experience of life n the elements of a person's experience of Lufe, to help make meaning of things n shed light on things. The thing I heard was saying this basically, it may have actually included some kind comment on that the book was not to have a social meaning to like things outside of the book. The devil attacking very bad as i was writing this, some w the durst version n also very bad w a edit on this. Here is an excerpt of something that came up as a result of a Bing search trying to find info on the character of Tom, the text i copied n that's pasted below is telling a little about the character of Tom in the book The Great Gatsby. ..... The Purpose of Tom Buchanan in “The Great Gatsby”. Tom Buchanan is a football player from Chicago whose family is extremely rich, he studied at Yale with Nick, and he is the husband of Daisy (Gatsby’s lover). He came to New York, and lives in East egg which is the place for the “Old rich”. Purpose of Tom Buchanan in the Great Gatsby … www.studymode.com/essays/Purpose … Feedback... ----- https://www.bing.com/search?q=tom+great+gatsby+football+player&PC=SMSM&FORM=MBDPSB -------- http://thegreatgatsby.wikia.com/wiki/Tom_Buchanan 7. https://www.currentresults.com/Weather-Extremes/US/hottest-cities-winter.php 8. This content is no longer available The content you requested cannot be displayed right now. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may have expired, or you may not have permission to view this page. Back to previous page 9. Warmest city Miami fleet. The devil was making the page not work for me to add this about Miami to the last comment. It didn't want it to be apparent I was a real person n could see the article, something like that, it seems. 10. https://m.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2091666670849885&id=100000197176110&set=a.508539559162612.136841.100000197176110&source=48 11. Some aspects of American values Hard work Discipline Earn it, a place to live, a place to live is something to earn Things meaningless if not earned Sacrifice Applying yourself Obedience Scarcity n not abundance, things being precious precious, ie too good for people or too special, too nice Deprivation Fear Control Punishment Restraint A narrow margin of error Things being mechanical, scientific, technical systematic, already figured out Order Authority Barbarism, or physicality Elbow grease, making things happen that otherwise would not or not valuing natural things Secrecy Privacy Sectarian - as Inequality one man's gain is not another's, one person's supposed abilities or capabilities are not another's, non-commonality of things like achievements being just for supposed some n not others Inequality Struggle Things not being easy, ease not something really valued Not valued for people to be themselves The system, ie established order The heirarchy of the dollar allotment or how money is had or eaened in greater amounts by some n not others Experts, geniuses, well educated people/figures, professionals, etc - power (n capability) in the hands of the few, n things being precious precious to be a certain thing like having supposedly a certain ability, etc Coercion, fear, threats of punishment, etc as motivation for stuff ---------- "Something is happening that we cannot be the people here," someone said in my mind regarding this list which aspects of American values, societal structure, etc. #madeinAmerica #homelessness #poverty #pennilessness #castesystem #havesnhavenots 12. Maybe just use conspiracies n unexplained phenomena as a guide. People are free to talk about Reptilians. UFOs - Unidentified flying objects could be a Angel or fallen Angel, i guess. I don't really believe in outer space, for example. 13. "People are a waste as who would have something other than this to offer," the devil said just now or it was seeming it was it that said it just now talking about someone that just was added by me to the Reptilians group. I don't know if i should maybe be more careful of adding people since the devil was making it so i couldn't remove that guy. Some asides. But apparently this is some turning point of things, this new thing revealed as what the people secretly are here having as their creed to be having this order n being successful here, some kind of secret thing they're supposed to believe n it is played out by the society. Some asides. The devil was just threatening I was going to not have the disability pay n etc just now. It's so obsessed w threatening the totally sick as fuck shit that is part of this society such as homelessness. But anyway something happened where it came up that i said the society regards some as not having anything to offer cuz they are saying stuff that's not okay here like implying they shouldn't have to work the jobs here or be forced to work or be forced to try to earn money to live. "I'm actually not okay to be out as the things in this list here," the devil said. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=hjAdv6Go&id=8F71F2680E2CCE9D78C302834A263089A697EA04&thid=OIP.hjAdv6GoR1OmIx61427tOwHaKr&q=pan+n+his+nymphs&simid=608054198837051667&selectedIndex=0&PC=SMSM&ajaxhist=0 14. "People are a waste as who would have something other than this to offer," the devil said just now or it was seeming it was it that said it just now talking about someone that just was added by me to the Reptilians group. I don't know if i should maybe be more careful of adding people since the devil was making it so i couldn't remove that guy. Some asides. But apparently this is some turning point of things, this new thing revealed as what the people secretly are here having as their creed to be having this order n being successful here, some kind of secret thing they're supposed to believe n it is played out by the society. Some asides. The devil was just threatening I was going to not have the disability pay n etc just now. It's so obsessed w threatening the totally sick as fuck shit that is part of this society such as homelessness. But anyway something happened where it came up that i said the society regards some as not having anything to offer cuz they are saying stuff that's not okay here like implying they shouldn't have to work the jobs here or be forced to work or be forced to try to earn money to live. "I'm actually not okay to be out as the things in this list here," the devil said. It's been said before by me that people are counted as expendable here but it's perhaps more clear or asserted as part of this order n belief system of the society now. I heard in my mind just a moment ago that it was something not allowed. https://www.bing.com/images/search?view=detailV2&ccid=jCKF3Sfu&id=52A01EC80B8B4C097032DF68429A8166F8D06690&thid=OIP.jCKF3SfubNak5DHWMRTGmQHaKA&q=pan+n+his+nymphs&simid=608036160003313004&selectedIndex=53&ajaxhist=0 15. https://m.facebook.com/kelly.garner.395?fref=nf&ref=m_notif&notif_t=group_highlights 16. "....People are a waste as who would have something other than this to offer," the devil said just now or it was seeming it was it that said it just now talking about someone that just was added by me to the Reptilians group, n it was said the person cannot be the same as Tom Brady n it was said the reason why is that that belief that some people were like generally expendable, ie having nothing to offer was something the devil said people would have here, but its apparently not able to say it about Tom Brady (n it would seem people that were the essential selves or representations of my other soul mates also would not be able to be who is to say that some people have nothing to offer). I don't know if i should maybe be more careful of adding people since the devil was making it so i couldn't remove that guy. Some asides. But apparently this is some turning point of things, this new thing revealed as what the people secretly are here having as their creed to be having this order n being successful here, some kind of secret thing they're supposed to believe n it is played out by the society. Some asides. The devil was just threatening I was going to not have the disability pay n etc just now. It's so obsessed w threatening the totally sick as fuck shit that is part of this society such as homelessness. But anyway something happened where it came up that i said the society regards some as not having anything to offer cuz they are saying stuff that's not okay here like implying they shouldn't have to work the jobs here or be forced to work or be forced to try to earn money to live. "I'm actually not okay to be out as the things in this list here," the devil said. It's been said before by me that people are counted as expendable here but it's perhaps more clear or asserted as part of this order n belief system of the society now. I heard in my mind just a moment ago that it was something not allowed. 17. Some aspects of American values Hard work Discipline Earn it, a place to live, a place to live is something to earn Things meaningless if not earned Sacrifice Applying yourself Obedience Scarcity n not abundance, things being precious precious, ie too good for people or too special, too nice, for example if a person doesn't have money Deprivation Fear Control Punishment Restraint - like as opposed to freedom, or not having free choice n other things A narrow margin of error Things being mechanical, scientific, technical systematic, already figured out Order Authority Barbarism, or physicality Elbow grease, making things happen that otherwise would not or not valuing natural things Secrecy Privacy Sectarian - as Inequality one man's gain is not another's, one person's supposed abilities or capabilities are not another's, non-commonality of things like achievements being just for supposed some n not others Inequality Struggle Things not being easy, ease not something really valued Not valued for people to be themselves The system, ie established order The heirarchy of the dollar allotment or how money is had or eaened in greater amounts by some n not others Experts, geniuses, well educated people/figures, professionals, etc - power (n capability) in the hands of the few, n things being precious precious to be a certain thing like having supposedly a certain ability, etc Coercion, fear, threats of punishment, etc as motivation for stuff Freedom, ease of survival that comes w having a lot of money/financial means as afforded to like celebrities, people born into rich families, people working in roles worshiped by the society such as doctors, lawyer, etc ---------- "Something is happening that we cannot be the people here," someone said in my mind regarding this list which aspects of American values, societal structure, etc. #madeinAmerica #homelessness #poverty #pennilessness #castesystem #havesnhavenots #inequality 18. "Oh god. I have to actually not have those things on there," the devil said n it dropped the type pad as i adding the dashes to the post. It was extremely irritating it did that n said that. 19. https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=423804201377395&id=100012434566027&fs=4&ref=m_notif&notif_t=group_activity 20. The devil was making it so i couldn't scroll down as i was trying to scroll down when this post was on the screen n it was doing some other weird stuff. It changed the last thing I was having on the screen when i left the internet window to type in text messages because the devil dropped the type pad as i was trying to put dashes in the list above. It's going crazy pressing it's needing to do an assessment or something to find hos to rightfully attack me or something, or something where it's supposed to be it's jurisdiction or right to attack me. This society is mimicking this, it's really none of their business to be trying to attack people n facilitate things, etc. They're totally crazy n sick n insane. But anyway this is what I wrote in text messages after the devil dropped the type pad. ..... "Oh god. I have to actually not have those things on there," the devil said n it dropped the type pad as i adding the dashes to the post. It was extremely irritating it did that n said that. -- end of what I wrote in text messages -- But another thing i wish to tell the devil has seemed to be more often trying to change things like it seemed it changed something in the first comment here n i fixed it, it had something -- a distraction here, but the comment, the devil added something to make it unclear what the things implied by what was said meant, the quote. It was trying to make it seem it was said someone was less than because they were to be who had nothing to offer, something like this. But it tried changing my comments in the Reptilians group in regard to that guy that i at first couldn't remove from the group. It kept trying to apparently try to make the comments more like something it could copy or something. "I was not allowed to do that," the devil said. It was trying to take some insult out n then repeat things, make it so some other things we're repeated more. It was very bad. I saw it seems two comments it was doing that with. "I am not allowed to do that. Please stop saying that," the devil said. Two comments I saw seemed the devil did something to make it so stuff was being repeated in the comment, i guess to make it seem like it's mire not real or not substantial. It is bad because it can be clarifying or useful to repeat stuff, repeating isn't really for to make things seem like fluff n like it's meaningless, it's nit really for that. Or whatever it was using that plan for repetition for. "I said something just now. I'm not allowed to do this. ....," the devil said n it said it had to go. I was distracted because it keeps pressing these weird personas. It's supposed be I'm someone less than n someone thinking I'm less than, it's supposed to be stereotype to fit into a very sick n dumb n disgusting society.

[scriptshrink]

Borderline Personality Disorder: Intense/Fluctuating emotions, personal experience

Hey there. I have borderline personality disorder, depression and bulimia. Figured I’d put all that time I’ve spent analysing my emotions and thinking patterns to good use and write up how I experience BPD. This relates to how I experience the intense and fluctuating emotions.

Reminder that this is all my personal experiences. They’re not universal amongst people with BPD. 

TW for cutting, suicidal thoughts, violent thoughts, violence, eating disorder, depression.

If I’m not feeling something really strongly, I’m feeling nothing. That ‘I don’t know how to like things casually’ post is really accurate. And if I feel nothing I’m really aimless and bored but without the drive to do something. I don’t tend to do anything unless someone else gives me something to do, my usual hobbies tend to be just as boring. Usually I end up sleeping or watching TV shows to pass time. A lot of my day to day life is finding distractions, because I’m bored. Always bored. So bored. To Do lists work really well for me because they give me things to do, rather than make me think them up on the spot. I guess I must have some kind of normal emotional reactions but I can’t think of any times where that happens, I’m bored. When that goes on too long, I’m tired/depressed. If something enjoyable happens, my day suddenly revolves around that or it’s fleetingly good and then I’m tired and bored. 

Below are the most common emotions that I have actual ‘episodes’ of. They tend to last at least five to ten minutes up to a few hours. Rarely, a standard high will last overnight/through a sleep. Both the depression moods can go from minutes to weeks. 

Highs: Standard, weird. (These are the terms I use to describe/differentiate between the types of high/up moods I experience.)

Standard highs are great. You know when you drink coffee for the first time and you get so wired? It’s a bit like that. My brain gets really energised and I come up with new ideas for things and start planning them out. I also work on existing projects, if I think to direct my energy to them, because the energy doesn’t really mind what I’m working on, creativity and drive is on 100%. Sometimes I talk a lot, in conversations or to myself. If I’m nattering to myself, I find it hard to stay on one topic, everything leads into something else or a new idea comes up and takes over. Physically, my heart sometimes races and I get a weird feeling of anticipation in my stomach. It’s really frustrating because it’s like something exciting is about to happen but nothing is and there’s no reason for it. Uh, if I’m talking to myself I tend to walk really fast, usually I kind of stroll everywhere but during highs I’m really power walking, not quite to breathlessness. I find that if I do the power walk and talking combo, when I stop walking for more than five or ten minutes the high goes away. Sometimes I clean, usually making a resolution that this time I’m going to get my life on track for real, organising everything, setting things up, maybe even cooking. Energy level wise, I feel like I could probably run a marathon but I never do much more physical than cleaning/fast walking. 

Weird highs: where I have ideas and weird but funny/important/interesting (at least to me) thoughts that I *need* to tell people. It usually leads to me spamming a couple of friends with FB messages, unless someone happens to be online and engages with something I say. Like, I might send someone thirty messages in an hour or two, starting with an idea for a business, fleshing this plan out, also do you watch Daredevil because I just started and its awesome, why do shows have love interests all the time, hey so I want to touch that body but not in the sex way??? Does that even make sense? It should make sense. Im taking you off the list of people I have a crush on and putting you back square in the friend list because I need room for daredevil. Why are there spiders in my room? This is really freaky. Theres a spider on my bed noopeeee. Never going to sleep again. Hey have you seen this tumblr post. It reminds me of you. Oh did you end up eating anything? You need to eat. Hey, how do you think zombies know to avoid walking though fire? Because they do seem to know in the walking dead, which suggests they have some kind of self preservation instinct. Unless they know there’s food in the fire, then they walk in. So not much self preservation. What part of the brain would need to be functioning for that? New project for holidays: an extensive report on the bodily functions of zombies and the necessary brain areas needed to achieve them, along with the resultant emotions that they could hypothetically be feeling. 

And so on and so forth. Usually with degenerating spelling and grammar. If, however, the person responded to say, ‘Do you watch Daredevil?’ with ‘omg yes, who is your favourite character?’ then the weird would probably be focused to Daredevil commentary. 

Weird highs tend to simply be less coherent, less productive and with an undertone of anxiousness or uncomfortable energy. Sudden loud noises or shadows or other scary/superstition things feel a lot more frightening. Like, I *will* be afraid the Joker is in my cupboard, especially at night. Think about it like a standard high being the energy that comes from downing a dozen energy drinks and a weird high is when you’re incredibly sleep deprived to the point where you’re past tired to energised.

Anger

Anger was actually the first thing that made me think I might have BPD. I’m not actually sure if it’s triggered by anything or my brain just randomly makes the switch but I go from zero to raging-enough-to-murder-you in like, ten seconds. Like, so much angry energy inside that I have to move. I shake my hands at my sides a lot (I also do that when I’m stressing out), again, lots of power walking and talking. Violent thoughts are really big when I’m overwhelmingly angry, sometimes I’ll self harm or want to self harm to try and let the anger out. I have this idea that I’m full to bursting with this energy and cutting will let some of it bleed out. Alternatively, everything and everyone pisses me the fuck off. Like, breathtakingly angry (for some reason that phrase always occurs to me when I’m mad). Best example is from when I was on a psych ward. There was this lady, A, who did not shut up. She’d talk about herself and her husband (switching between how good he was and how he’d abandoned her), telling everyone that they were beautiful and shouldn’t be on here, getting upset (although she never yelled). She did not stop. No one liked her much because she didn’t listen, just talked. And I didn’t like her either but I work in hospitality, I have an excellent customer service face. But one night I flipped into rage mode and was pacing the ward. Mad about most of the people, about the announcements that were always going on, about not being allowed to leave or being able to get outside. And I turned a corner, saw A at the other end of the hall and was utterly furious with her because she didn’t get the fucking message, she kept talking, just fucking say something A, I fucking dare you, I will rip your head off. I was 100% ready to try and break her neck if she talked to me, my hands were like…phantom urges to do it. And she walked past me and said I didn’t look okay and I said ‘I’m not’, and she obviously realised not to talk to me. So I went three or four laps of the ward wanting nothing more than to physically rip A’s head off and wondering if today would be the day I actually did something because I’m on a psych ward, why not? (Because even when that furious, I know the difference between legal and illegal so I am aware that I can’t actually use an insanity plea. Being borderline doesn’t erase your awareness/knowledge of things.) Then I saw one of the girls who was receiving involuntary ECT and she looked like crap and I started fantisizing about suffocating her, because I couldn’t think of a way to break her out of the ward and my anger had switched to the fact that she was being forced to have ECT. 

The anger mood can be good though, I tend to do my more active social justicey things in an angry state. Like letter writing or getting involved in debates. I rarely have the emotional spoons to get into conversations with centre/right wing people about politics anymore, unless I’m in an angry state. But there’s a line, sometimes the anger state becomes too much and tips over into feeling helpless rage and then I just end up spiralling from anger to depression because there’s nothing I can do. So anger can be good but it’s a fine thing.

One other thing. A few of sites I’ve visited suggest that people with BPD can have problems controlling anger. This isn’t something I have a problem with because I’m one of those people who overanalyses everything, which has helped me keep perspective. I think of my brain as split into two parts, subjective, which rules the roost, and objective, which is aware of what, why and how my subjective brain twists things and how I *should* be acting. I essentially logic myself through anger episodes because on one level I realise that my anger isn’t justified/relative to the situation. One of my psychs put it as ‘using intelligence to mitigate borderline personality’. I mention this because it was an interesting idea to me, often in fiction smart characters suffer from mental illnesses of some kind but I have never seen that intelligence used to combat it as well. 

Depression: Empty, Painful. (Again, these are just the terms I use to differentiate)

Depression is weird. When I received the diagnosis of BPD earlier this year, the doctors suggested that my depression was less severe than previously thought and was exacerbated by being borderline. I don’t know. Interesting thought about interactions, I guess? Anyway, being depressed works in one of two ways. Empty, which is like…being bored but worse? Aimless, no emotions, not sad, not seeing the point of anything. Not in a suicidal way, just that there seems no logical reason for anything. The thought of suicide is more because I need to *do* something, but nothing really has any point so might as well die. It’s more of a…a logical conclusion to a series of thoughts? Empty depressed is a bit like strapping on a backpack of rocks every time you try to do anything, physically things seem to take more effort. But there’s not really a corresponding emotional heaviness. I feel like I should be sad, and sometimes I *do* get sad (not depressed, just sad), but it really is nothingness. I tend to sleep a lot when I feel like this.

Painful depression is a whole different kettle of fish. That hurts a lot, emotionally. I often feel like there’s something in my chest that’s hurting, but also like a vacuum, and I tend to do things to try and protect that area. Cross my arms or put something heavy on my chest (I love weighted blankets for that). Mostly I’ll go to bed and curl in a ball with my arms/toys/pillow/a wadded blanket/something pressed into my chest. If I cry, I’ll silently scream into the exhalations until I haven’t got any breath left. It’s all trying to dig whatever the feeling is out of my chest. Self loathing really digs its claws in as well, some of which is due to eating disorder thinking. Painful depression and eating disorder thinking like to go hand in hand. Physically, energy isn’t really a thing. Mainly because the emotional hurt makes it feel too hard to do anything. Lots of blasting music when I’m like this. Sometimes I binge watch TV, but usually that’s too hard and I don’t feel like I want to. Painful depression is when suicidal thoughts become a real danger for me, because it’s an emotional drive to make the pain stop, rather than a more intellectual reasoning. 

Episodic vs. Everyday thinking. 

Something I feel like I need to add, especially after the anger part. None of what I think/feel when I’m in an extreme is different to what I would think/feel normally. They’re just about 1000 times more intense than usual. I always have some level of ‘There’s a monster in my cupboard’ fear or ‘I want to stab this person in the face’ anger because these are things that I, personally, think and feel normally. The difference between the ‘baseline’ emotion and a borderline episode (for want of a better word) is the intensity of the emotion. During an episode, the feeling is dialled right up so the corresponding thoughts become a lot more central and a lot less casual.

Example: Fear.

Scene: I’ve missed a call from my parents. I call back. No one answers.

Baseline thought: What if someone’s died? Haha yeah right. You know, I’ll feel really bad if someone has died and I just laughed. I didn’t mean it. 

Borderline thought: What if someone’s died? What if Mum’s been in a car crash or Dad’s had a heart attack? Why isn’t anyone picking up? (I’m probably calling both of my parents and the home phone at this point) Oh my god, I don’t want my dad to die. Why isn’t anyone answering me, what’s happened? What if they were all driving to the city and had a car crash and everyone’s dead? I’ll miss them so much. They won’t get to see me graduate. I’ll never watch tv with dad again. Mum won’t ever make dinner or give me a backstretch again. I don’t have this relationship with anyone else, I can’t do this without them. (I don’t cry much but I’d be feeling very much like crying because by this point some part of me is convinced that my parents are dead. This is also partially me catastophising- imagining the worst possible outcome without evidence.)

Example: Anger

Scene: Someone is walking slowly in front of me.

Baseline thought: I will stab u holy shit, why are you walking so slow? No, be patient, it’s alright. Chillax, life is a journey. I still want to stab him. Yeah, but does walking slowly really deserve death? It’s all good. You aren’t in a rush.

Borderline thought: Fucking fucker I will fucking stab you oh my god, hurry the fuck up. Right in the back, slide the knife in between your vertebrae. (Lots of visualising said stabbing, probably clenching a fist/pretending to hold a knife by my side). 

[Thank you for sharing your experiences. - Shrink]

#borderline #depression #eating disorders #personality disorders #submissions #personal experiences #cutting #suicide #suicidal ideation #bulimia #violence #deductionsandmishacollinsinrome #borderline personality disorder #submission

[jeffrmayhugh]

RICH DAD AUTHOR DOUBLES DOWN ON BITCOIN AMID FEARS OF BANK ‘CRISIS’!! $100K BTC PRICE PREDICTION!!

➡️ Leverage OPM (Other People’s Money):

On a global scale, few actually own Bitcoin (BTC).

According to Robert Kiyosaki, the author “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” though, everyone should own the cryptocurrency ahead of the coming “banking crisis.”

This comment is in line with the sentiment of an impending collapse in banking and in the fiat currency system that Kiyosaki has extensively shared since the pandemic began.

Months ago, the tweets of financial educator and entrepreneur Robert Kiyosaki began to gain traction within Crypto Twitter.

Seemingly due to the pandemic, Kiyosaki began to fear that a collapse of the institutions that run the economy is entirely possible. And according to him, owning gold, silver, and some Bitcoin is a smart way to hedge risks against this collapse.

On August 20th, he doubled down on this sentiment when he tweeted:

“WHY BUFFET is OUT OF BANKS . Banks bankrupt. MAJOR BANKING CRISIS COMING FAST. Fed & Treasury to take over banking system? Fed and Treasury “helicopter fake money” direct to people to avoid mass rioting? Not a time to “Think about it.” How much gold, silver, Bitcoin do you have?”

Kiyosaki added that along with a collapse in the banking sector, he is also expecting a secondary drop in the stock market that will be “bigger than March 2020,” when the S&P 500 plunged by approximately 40%.

Although it isn’t clear if Kiyosaki’s fears are valid, many analysts agree that owning BTC is more logical than ever due to stronger fundamentals than ever.

Real Vision chief executive Raoul Pal, who is a Wall Street veteran, said that all trades may be inferior to Bitcoin due to charts and fundamentals:

“In fact, only one asset has offset the growth of the G4 balance sheet. Its not stocks, not bonds, not commodities, not credit, not precious metals, not miners. Only one asset massively outperformed over almost any time horizon: Yup, Bitcoin. My conviction levels in bitcoin rise every day. Im already irresponsibly long. I am now thinking it may not be even worth owning any other asset as a long-term asset allocation, but that’s a story for another day (I’m still thinking through this).”

In other trending Bitcoin News today:

Analyst Josh Rager Is Holding This Crypto Asset Until It Hits $100,000 – And It’s Not Bitcoin

Crypto analyst and trader Josh Rager says he’s holding onto one altcoin until it surges to $100,000.

Rager tells his 80,000 followers on Twitter that he believes YFI has a ton of room to grow, if he can resist the urge to take profits.

“Bought three YFI around $2,500. Sold two way too early… Could be close to $50,000 combined value right now. But kept one and not selling until over $100,000. Current high so far over $16,100.”

Rager points out that YFI has already surpassed Bitcoin (BTC) in terms of price and it did so in a relatively short period of time.

“I guess 1 YFI does equal 1 BTC… Imagine buying Bitcoin a month ago at $2,000 and it shooting up to its current $12,000 value. Everyone would die for that opportunity. Well YFI just did that.”

YFI is the governance token of decentralized finance (DeFi) protocol yearn.finance.

It is dubbed as an “automated yield aggregator” as the platform scours all other DeFi protocols, locks in the one that offers the best yields, and deposits the funds in that specific protocol. The process allows users to farm protocols that generate the highest yields.

While YFI offers an attractive use case, there’s always a risk of massive devaluation. Yield farming platform YAM witnessed its market cap soar to nearly $60 million on August 13th only to collapse to $0 in a matter of hours, according to CoinGecko.

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DISCLAIMER: This is NOT financial advice. The views and opinions expressed in this video are just opinions, nothing more. Trading is very risky and so is investing into Cryptocurrency. Seek financial advice from a professional and trade at your own risk because I am not responsible for any investment decisions that you choose to make.

#Bitcoin #BTC #BitcoinNews #cryptocurrency #btcnews #crypto #bullrun #ethereum #altcoins #eth #prediction #richdad #robertkiyosaki #ripple #xrp #2020 #chainlink #bch #bsv #bitcoinbtc #forex #investing #buybitcoin #altcoins #invest #10x #100x $BTC $ETH $XRP

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT

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source https://www.cryptosharks.net/rich-dad-author-doubles-down-on-bitcoin-amid-fears-of-bank-crisis-100k-btc-price-prediction/ source https://cryptosharks1.tumblr.com/post/627187421486940160