#I really am showing my immaturity now that I'm upset bc I'm not celebrating my birthday

[aiden-png]

I’m going to be 20 tomorrow..

and I kind of wish my birthday wasn’t happening. I used to really enjoy my birthday up until a few years ago when people started forgetting it. I should be excited, I guess? in the end it’s just another day. I have work to do and meetings to go to, and I won’t be celebrating because I don’t have anyone to celebrate with. I never even know what to ask for because all I ever want is for people to spend time with me, and this year that’s unfortunately not something I can ask for. I didn’t want to tell my friends because they’re all busy and it’s such a guilt trip to ask for their time for my 20th. there’s nothing special about it. even I have more important things to do. I’m going to be so overwhelmed if people wish me happy birthday tomorrow. it’s been a lot of years of bribing people to celebrate with me and,, I mean, even my parents don’t. I already don’t know how to respond to positive attention or praise, and when people show they care about me I’m just shocked. idk what I ever did to deserve such a loving online community, but you all make me really happy and I couldn’t ask for more. I hate that I’m not happy and excited right now, it’s usually not so hard to be upbeat. and of all days of the year, my own birthday should be one to be excited for... I’m going to do what I can to wake up happy tomorrow, and then maybe I’ll have a good day :) it’s hard to believe I deserve anything, but I do think I deserve that at least.

#....don't read this I guess #or do idk #I need to stop being so depressing on here I'm bringing everyone down #I asked my mom to call me since... I really have no one here #she said yes so that's nice at least #I hope I don't break down on the phone #it's my own fault I'm not happy #I keep fucking w my hormones and working and never taking breaks #and I rely too much on others for someone who has so few people #I had a support network in August. and now I have nothing #all I have is sitting in a vc alone with intrusive thoughts looking for a distraction that won't come #at least if I'm in a vc I have to hold it together. and I can trick myself into thinking everything is fine when it's not #writing vent fic doesn't help anymore #nothing does #and I'm not about to burden others with worry over me when they can't help #I'm already being incredibly selfish by posting this where someone could see it #I really am showing my immaturity now that I'm upset bc I'm not celebrating my birthday #but yknow I can't even say that this is why I have no friends irl. bc I have never told a friend irl how I'm actually doing #I value my friendships w ppl above my own health and I always suffer for it but they never see #I value my online friends even more but I keep hurting them by posting stupid vent shit like this where they can see it and I really have to #stop or find a secret place to do this again #I always post stupid cries for help and feel guilty as fuck when they're answered #it's nice when people care but it's really hard not to feel like a burden #I've just had too many people get tired of me for far less and I'm not sure what a healthy friendship is anymore tbh #haha gonna throw myself a pity party for my birthday woooop #I am really sick and tired of myself right now #sorry guys #I need to shut up and stay quiet from now on