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#I said I didn’t want to start discourse AND I DONT but I’m treating myself to a lot of wine on account of the exercise. so. oops.
i-am-robie · 3 years
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Okay but on the subject of the lost potential of Mon-El: he was never even supposed to be like that. Daxam was never the party planet; think more Dad from Footloose. Lar Gand crash landed on Earth and got amnesia and because of similar powers, thought he was related to Superman, so they named him Mon-El (House of El + Landed on a Monday). The slavery part is made up too- the real Mon-El was just an explorer who wanted to meet new people, against the wishes of his isolationist planet.
I DIDNT REALIZE I COULD BE MORE IRATE
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thatfeministkilljoy · 4 years
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The whole joe exotic thing is just rly wild and weird to me. I live like, 30 mins from the sanctuary Carole runs and as far as I know she got her start buying big cats from auctions where they were gonna be killed and stuffed by collectors. While joe exotic like, goes out of his way to buy and breed these big cats and gives/sells the cubs to celebrities . He’s running a glorified exotic pet mill and somehow the internet started worshipping him & harassing Carole. The docu-series is a mess
Like I do not at all know enough about Carole Baskin or Big Cat Resue to make any kind of informed judgement on them, especially when I have been hearing that perhaps she/they are not the best (and not having paid employees is icky.) But even then, there’s a huge difference between a private zoo and a sanctuary??? Like you said, Joe and the others were breeding these animals for captivity, exploiting them (letting kids play with cubs? taking cubs to malls? wtf??) and by the end of the “docu-series” even many of his former employees were like “yeah he was not treating these animals correctly at all” yet they really didn’t focus much on it?(Like I feel like mostly it was only really talked about at the end.) Certainly not as much as they focused on “Carole Baskin is a bitch.” Like I’m not gonna say I didn’t find the series entertaining, but like, that shouldn’t have been the most important thing, imo it was not responsible documentry making, it was more like a reality show. The reactions to it are a mess
Edit: yes I know non profits typically do have volunteers, I've heard a lot of discourse outside of people who just follow the "carole is a bitch" narrative from the series about how good she/BCR is and as someone who has done about 0 research I just dont want to come off as tho I'm ignoring that when I am not informed enough to really say. I am not going to say anything else on the employees/volunteers because I dont know enough and it was never the actual point of the posts I've made/shared I just didnt want to imply theres no issues w carole when I've heard otherwise and do not know enough myself to say those people are wrong.
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witchylittlefox · 4 years
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My Thoughts and Feelings About Star Wars as of 2019
I held off sharing my complete feelings on this franchise/fandom because I wanted to wait for TROS to be out. since I have seen it now I’m ready to share how I feel about disney owned Star Wars, the fandom war, reylo, and TROS. Heads up these are my opinions and if we disagree that’s okay! But I would appreciate some respect when it comes to nasty comments because some of the things I’m going to say can be..... controversial in the reylo community.
Preface: I have been a Star Wars fan since I was 4 years old. I somehow figured out how to used a VHS machine and I would insert Return of the Jedi and rewind to watch it over and over again. To this day that movie is my favorite out of all of them. Star Wars was something my brother and I shared together and he would lend me all the EU books. I loved all the stories about Jacen and Jaina Solo at Luke’s jedi academy. I grew up with the prequels and yes, I am a prequel defender but they were corny as hell. So not to toot my own horn but I was very much invested in the lore and commited to the series before Disney bought it.
Disney Star Wars: Disney had absolutely no idea what they were doing with the movies (atleast when it comes to the Skywalkers + everyone related to the OT trio). They spat on the OT character’s legacy. They turn Luke into a character who seems to care nothing about helping his sister. No way in the world would Luke just throw a lightsaber off a cliff. Han and Leia are treated a little better (more so Leia), but Disney is passive agressive with them and make them out to be these horrible parents that decide to send away their son because they’re scared of him. No wonder Ben turned out the way he did. Rey, well......they could of written her better and don’t get me wrong I love aspects of her but this should of been Ben’s time to shine. HE should of been the main character of all the movies. Finn? Would of been cool seeing more perspective from an ex stormtrooper but nahhhh let’s just make him fawn over rey in the first one and then in the second give him this whole arc making us think he’s getting somewhere and then another badly written character ruins it. Poe? Well he atleast got more of an arc than Finn but he’s still so flat.
The Fandom Menace And the Fandom War: I decided after TLJ came out that I was not going to label myself in this fight. It seemed like (or atleast on Tumblr) that you couldn’t be a Reylo if you hated Rian Johnson. Rian was made out to be this “savior” of some sorts, just because he focused the movie to be more Reylo centered. YES he is talented. YES I’m thankful he gave us more of a Reylo plot, But jeez that guy is an ass (I didn’t want to cuss in this but oh well lol). Calling out fans on Twitter? Calling them names? Ridiculing Mike Zeroh? Which say what you will about Mike (not a huge fan of him tbh) but god he’s a fan of the series why are you making fun of him? But those people who are apart of the Fandom Menace are not innocent. A lot of them (NOT ALL, but most) only make videos on Youtube hating on Star Wars because it’s cool. They use the hate to get attention. I’m just not all about that. I agree with them on a lot...but seriously at what cost do we have to allow this. Both sides are annoying and immature and I choose not to take a side. I will like what I want about Star Wars and dislike what I want about Star Wars. I am not going to be a sheep. So yes... I am a Reylo, hardcore since TFA came out in 2015 and yes, I think Rian Johnson is a crappy person and I won’t be seeing any of his movies ever again (besides rewatching TLJ) because I don’t want to give money to someone who fuels the fan war. That being said, I dont support (whether that be my viewership or money) anyone who is in the “Fandom Menace” and does the same for the other side.
Reylo: The only thing I really cared about in this sequel trilogy was Reylo. I honestly started to care less about the other characters like Finn and Poe, which in my opinion is sad and just goes to show how bad Disney was at writing these characters. What got me so choked up about their relationship was how raw it was. It wasn’t some unrealistic clean romance. There was no love at first sight (at least on Rey’s end.. can’t say for Ben). It felt so real to me. They reached a level of intimacy that honestly in my opinion reached higher than sexual intercourse. Unconditional love is something that I hold close to my heart, it may be because of my faith, but the fact that Rey saw through Kylo and could see that at his core he was just Ben, emotionally hurt and lost, just wanting someone to believe in him. And she did! she believed in him when his uncle and mother easily gave up hope for him (again horrible character writing bc uhhh sry but isn’t hope supposed to be a theme with them???). And Ben loved her in return!! He protected her and not this stupid patronizing crap that Finn does (Which side note: THAT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH LOL. John Boyega was wasted with this stupid character). Ben knew her strength and worth and only did what a man should do in a relationship, not overstep, not take control but add his part to the relationship, creating symbiosis. If you look up the meaning of “Dyad”, this comes up:
specifically, sociology : two individuals (such as husband and wife) maintaining a sociologically significant relationship
They are equal. No one is better than the other. They are two sides of the same coin and they complete each other.
And at last....
TROS: Well crap. This movie was...... not amazing. I will have to say that I have only seen it once at this point and may make an edit to it if I change my mind. Honestly though... I can’t see myself changing my opinion but it may happen after a second viewing. I had been following the leaks and yup pretty much all true. And yep... Ben dies. Not only does he die but he barely gets any time to shine when he is redeemed. I am grateful we finally got the Reylo kiss we all waiting for but did he really have to die??? I know lots are saying he didn’t die because we didn’t see him show up as a force ghost in the end but obviously there is no confirmation from Disney on this. The fact that he died for her to live just supports everything I have said above. But where was her emotion? I expected her to be crying? it seemed to appear like she couldn’t care less, yet she was the one who went in for the kiss first and then she seems to be fine when everyone is rejoicing and hugging in celebration? Why didn’t they add him in as a voice in her head or something (ooh fanfic idea! :) ) Why did Rey call herself Rey Skywalker?! I’m sorry but she DOES NOT desserve that title plus she is still a Palpatine! That does not change anything. Don’t get me started on Palpatine.... bringing him back was the dumbest decision ever and undid everything that Anakin did. Now I would of been slightly okay with it if they got Anakin in to help to defeat him but we only got his voice and a bunch of other jedi’s voices sharing words of guidance (which ngl it was nice hearing Ahsoka) but holy heck you could of atleast added ben to the mix. They could of both heard the voices and ended Palpatine together? Also what happened to Rey and Kylo fighting through the various scenes of the past movies? I thought that was a leak? They did absolutely NOTHING to tie up the OT and PT. It has no ties to PT, besides Anakin’s voice and some of the other jedi in the mix (Mace Windu, Ayala Secura, Yoda, Ahsoka Tano, etc..). I know I’m nitpicking but I am atleast grateful we got their voices I just wish we actually got to see their faces. That’s a lot of negatives though so here is what I did like:
Babu Frik.
Rey’s kind heart ( you see that when she greets the little girl on Pasaana, helps D.O. and the snake creature)
The banter between Finn, Poe, and Rey
C-3PO ( they really did him justice)
Ben (just all of him everything about him)
Lando was pretty good
Seeing Wicket at the end with his child ( I think that’s his child?)
Wedge Antilles showing up for like one second ( although that could be a negative because I thought he was going to be in it more because of the book Resistance Reborn. WHICH OH YEAH..... this movie retconned that book btw! So not only was it a horrible book but everything in it doesnt matter)
Conclusion: So yeah, I am not happy. But in the end I will always love Star Wars no matter what. This franchise has taught me so much about hope, love, and even redemption. It was such a fun ride on here. There were ups and downs ( anyone remember that Reylo discourse a while back lol) but we made it. Even though as Reylos, it didn’t end the way we wanted it... we still were proved right. We fought hard against the antis when they kept trying to tell us Reylo wasn’t a thing and boy were they wrong..... they were very wrong. I don’t know what the future holds in store for Reylo’s story or even Star Wars but all we have to do is look forward and have hope for Ben because just as the great Jedi Master, Luke Skywalker once said:
"No one is ever really gone."
May the Force be with you all.
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lowkeysebastianstan · 5 years
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hey there. I totally get your frustration with endgame and the ending. I wasn't happy and I'm not happy how half the fandom tells me/us how we have to look at it. how we have to accept it. how the actors are happy with it and so should we. how the writers/producers - okay, I'm gonna leave them out of this seeing neither of them have any idea what they have done in the first place. after all they disagree on everything in every interview since the release. and isn't that funny? (1/?)
how even they are not on one side with the movie? what I despise most right now when it comes to this movie and this fandom is how we are treated. how we should tag our “hate” - which I think is funny since I didn’t hate the movie entirely. I hated pieces of it, like I did with past movies. I never liked doctor strange and even back then people were allowed to mention how casting cumberbatch for the part wasn’t the smartest idea they had. (2/?)
people want us to be happy with an ending that doesn’t make sense to us and they appreciate and are “allowed” to shove down our throats with their happy posts about a perfect ending. how is taking tony’s life after he finally married pepper and got a daughter is perfect? how is sending steve back to peggy after they did everything in their power to convince us he moved on from his past life…how is that perfect? (3/?)
you can probably tell I’m bitter. I really am. there’s not a day that goes by I’m not frustrated with what we got after ten years and 22 movies. however, I thought to myself what would it give me to cling on to this on my blog. would it change anything? I do know I’m not alone. I see so many people agreeing with this anger and it gives me some sort of peace. at the end of the day, though, it’s also important to see what it gives to you. (4/?)
talking to one of my closest friends about it and voicing my frustration with the end helps me more than keep posting about it. because in the end it won’t change a thing. the longer I surround myself with the frustration and anger and everything that comes with this not being what I had hoped for the more it pushes me from the fandom. of course everyone do as they please and I get people who want to get it out of their system. (5/?)
but maybe sitting down and look at what the constant repeating will give you in the end, realizing where it might end, could help finding some kind of peace for you. I’d hope for you to enjoy the parts of the fandom that still apply to you. I really like your blog and you as a person and I’d hate to see one of my fave people on this site to leave (I lost count, but this is the last)
whew! hi right back, that was quite something. 
i feel ive answered this ask before, was that also you?
i mean, yeah. i know im not alone, i do. i see some of it on my dash, but not a lot, since ive had to block every marvel related tag just to keep from indulging in some light murder (just gentle ones, not to worry), and i really cannot fathom why ppl on the other side of the isle can’t do the same? or if you’re getting tired of the negativity? blacklist. or unfollow, block even. 
as ive said a few times lately, ive been here 6 years. and this is the first time ive aired my frustration in any noticeable way. sure there’s been a few occasions where i got the salt shaker out, but that was in relation to much more limited subjects, and it was a post or two at the most. 
ive been frustrated with previous movies too, but ive kept my trap shut, ive just gone on, kept my queue stocked, giffed the rare set and hid behind pretty solid content, no drama, not personality, no engagement. 
and it’s not too bad, to just be anonymous, to look at the pretty, spread the pretty, do the occasional tag rant, and let that be it. 
but.
when i came back after a long hiatus last autumn i started writing again. i posted a psa where i apologised for the fact that i would reblog my writing on this blog, i informed what tags i was gonna use, and for the first time i actually checked my follower count before and after. i lost 20 followers the first day. for posting writing. my writing. that was tagged to a ridiculous degree. and i saw a fair few more disappear before the exodus, and idk. i made me realise a thing or two.
one, people like my blog and the content i post
two, they’re only here for that content
three, to have a strictly themed blog will limit you horribly
four, my followers in general don’t give a shit about me, only about the content i post, which fair enough
five, i care about that, even if i don’t care about the follower count as such, i do care that the ones i have actually like me
six, which is completely absurd bc none of them knows me at all, i never show myself
but that was then. this is now. and the last weeks has made me realise the most important thing of all, i dont care any more. why the fuck should i? when my showing any kind of negativity about something that i did care a whole lot about but i no longer have?
endgame might have killed all my enthusiasm for the mcu, and it fucking hurts. it’s been a staple in my life for years, ive invested my time, my creativity, my love and my goddamn money, and ive got jack shit to show for it. i have a blog that i used to love, but is becoming alien to me, and that hurts too. ive invested a lot in this blog too, after i deleted a few of my other blogs a couple of years back, this is by far my biggest one. and im torn tbh. 
do i want to leave it? no, i don’t. can i go back? honestly? i doubt it. if my love for the mcu is gone, well so is bucky. and lets be real, a sebastian stan blog with no bucky? i cannot really see it, can you?
but hey. ill make you a deal, all of you. ill ease up on the memes, i won’t stop bc i have a few scheduled, you guys blacklist or unfollow if you dont want to see them, and ill see about sprinkling in some sebastian content if i can find any i deem worth it. 
also i don’t have any close irl friends to air my frustrations with, everyone here loved this crap, and that’s not really the discourse im looking for. but im happy for you, it sounds nice :)
hope you’re having a great day! 
eta: i won’t leave btw. not unless the porn hub thing comes into fruition. just so you know, and if anyone cares. just sayin. 
eta2: also? the fact that i, or we, are complaining and being pissed at the movie, but the opposition are attacking us for doing that? instead of, again, fucking blacklist and leave us the fuck alone? yeah, doesn’t help with the bitter. if y’all are so threatened by our arguments, maybe you should reevaluate your own, seems you’re trying a bit too hard there. i don’t want to take enjoyment from anyone, i envy you too much for that, but ffs, just leave me the fuck alone to deal with it. (that’s not @ you, that’s to them)
eta3: and thank you for saying im someone you like. but see? ive been trolling you all, im terrible. and i expect you don’t like me as much now anyways. but thank you, it was nice to hear nevertheless.
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shawnsprincesse · 5 years
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Bitch baby rant or motivational time:
When I was 20 years old I realized something very important that I want everyone to realize too, especially women because men will sometimes stomp all over you.
We all know what it’s like in high school, people gossip, talk shit, shade you and sometimes attack you our call you out in front of people. People do shit you dont approve of and up until I was 20 I kind of brushed it off and didn’t say anything.
But when I entered the work life and started college I realized that there is always gonna be conflicts this isn’t just ”high school discourse” this is life. I decided one day that I wasn’t gonna let my college roommates walk all over me and I told them off. These days I tell people off at work too and sure I may be perceived as a bitter bitch BUT telling someone ”hey you dont treat me like that” or ”why you talking shit about me, this isn’t your business” doesn’t make you a bitch, it’s YOU standing up for yourself and showing people you’re more than their bullshit! For example recently at work someone apologized on my behalf and I said ”Hey what the heck are you doing? You don’t get to apologize for me nor are you responsible for me, if I feel like I owe anyone an apology I will say it myself, I’m a grown up” after that, that person stopped bugging me, sneaking around looking at me and what I’m doing etc. she stopped messing with me BECAUSE I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF.
Girls, especially you young ones don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself it doesn’t make you a bitch, it makes you assertive and shows you wont let people walk all over you!
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sigurdjarlson · 7 years
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-clears throat- i got up on my soap box again. It’s just me bitching about self righteous assholes in fandom (tw: abuse, rape, other triggering issues) 
honestly at this point i’ve been in fandoms so long i legit dont give a fuck what other people ship. if i don’t like it i ignore it. if it makes me uncomfortable i take measures to avoid it. i don’t message people and tell them to go kill themselves over fictional characters. please get professional help if you do
nor is it my responsibility to cater to you if you blatantly choose to look at things that upset you. I’m not your mother. You have to take responsibility for your own internet experience. 
I read a fic that fucked with my head the other day. I didn’t know it would but it did. It put me in a bad headspace. It reminded me of some traumatic shit. Did I go ham on the creator because how dare they write something that upset me? Nah. It’s not their fault. They had all the proper trigger warnings in place. It just happened to hit a sore spot with me because of my own personal experiences which I recognize are very different from everyone else’s. 
sigh
the older i get the less i care because i realize it really does not matter what people like in fiction. Some of the best, kindest people I’ve met on this website ship horrifying ships, have some fucked up kinks or enjoy problematic characters. And some of the worst people I’ve met only ship ~pure ships~ and only love ~pure cinnamon rolls uwu~ or whatever. 
It’s fiction. It has no reflection on what someone is like as a person. How you treat other people however DOES. 
I could go on about how people use “discourse” as an excuse to bully people they disagree with but honestly a lot of people have said it much more eloquently than I. 
Just..tag your shit so people can avoid it (especially content like non-con and such). Be kind to each other. Take responsibility for your own internet experience. Create your own safe space because no one can do that for you. Nor should they have to. 
Fandom becomes a lot more fun when you do those things. And that’’s what it’s supposed to be. FUN.
just because someone wants to get fucked by a tentacle monster in fiction doesn’t mean they’re going to shove an octopus up their asshole.
ALSO if you think people have to tell you about their traumatic experience to justify shipping or enjoying something...you can go right to hell. You don’t care about survivors because if you did you wouldn’’t force them to reveal very personal info about themselves to avoid being harassed and bullied. You’re using survivors to further your bullshit moral crusade that makes you feel better about yourself and I want no part in it. 
Also you don’t speak for all survivors even if you are one yourself. I’m one myself and I don’t speak for all survivors. 
My personal opinion? You don’t need to be a survivor to be allowed to enjoy problematic things. It’s fiction. God damn. 
It reminds me of fatphobes try to claim they care about a person’s health when in reality they’re just using they facade of concern as an excuse to bully and abuse people they don’t like. 
Someone’s trauma is none of your business. what they enjoy is none of your business. 
If someone goes and does something they read about in fan fic they already had serious problems to begin with. 
Also frankly the belief that fiction causes people to do bad things actually takes the responsibility off the person. “Fiction with abusive relationships makes people abusive” no...abusive people make the choice to abuse other people. Don’t you dare take the responsibility off of them. I want none of that.
Abuse, rape, sexual abuse, murder, etc are all CHOICES people make. A fanfic they read once didn’t turn them into a monster. They already were one. This was already a desire they had.
And yes people can enjoy bad things in fiction and not want to do those things in real life. They can be and often are disgusted by those things in real life. They have a healthy distinction between fiction and reality. 
Also frankly I’m insulted by the idea that I’m going to think something is okay cuz I read a fic about it. “People will think it’s okay to be abused” woah woah wait? First you take the responsibility away from the abusers..and then you blame the victim. what you’re really saying is t’s ultimately their fault because they didn’t understand it was abuse? Many abuse victims don’t know it was abuse at first. That does not make it their fault.and it has nothing to do with that fic they read 5 years ago. 
Go on and on about how fiction reinforces social norms..I could argue it doesn’t and its more of a lens in which we can see problems that are already there.
Rape culture is rampant in fiction? It it because it is in society. The fiction did not cause rape culture. “It normalizes it.” it’s already normalized and frankly yes be critical of it but I’d advise you to focus and target the root of the problem instead of the symptoms. 
People exploring these themes and being fully aware these things aren’t acceptable in real life are not the problem. People who believe those things are okay are the problem
also
Real people are more important than fictional ones.
If anti’s put half the energy they put into harassing people on the internet into actually helping the real people they claim to care about they could do a lot of good. But whatever keep on jacking off to your belief you’re morally superior because you don’t ship reyl0 or whatever ship is the target of anti’s now days.
Which goes to show it is not about the issues they claim it’s about. It’s not about abuse apologism or rape apologism. It’s about some very sad, pathetic individual using important issues to stroke their ego and make themselves appear to be the most visibly enlightened or whatever. It’s about the people that pat them on the back and tell them they’re great! They’re good for doing this!! It’s all about ego. 
Sure some people might simply be misguided and have good intentions. Maybe they really believe they’re rooting out the fandom boogyman or whatever. But the real anti’s? They don’t give a flying fuck about survivors. 
So yeah I don’t give a shit what you get off too. I don’t give a shit what you ship. I might not like it but that’s my personal preference and it means nothing beyond that.  
Fan fiction has very little effect on society as a whole anyway. Maybe try focusing on media that actually does? Like television or big blockbuster films? 
Honestly fanfic is actually arguably more aware than any other form of media. With some exceptions..there are proper trigger warnings in place. People freely say “yeah this is terrible and i would never condone it in real life” and that already makes it far less harmful than something like 50 shades of grey. 
However I know I’m tired of having to repeat that disclaimer over and over again. It’s so annoying. It should be a give in. Stop assuming that because someone likes something they would support it in real life.
I want to see Negan and Rick fuck. Am I beating people in the head with a baseball bat? No. Do I think they kind of behavior is acceptable? Fuck no. Do I find the dynamic interesting? Yes. Hot even? Yeah because it’s fictional and it is perfectly okay to explore dark themes in fiction. Would I feel that way if I saw a dynamic like that in real life? Hell no. You best believe I’m going to be disgusted and contact the proper authorities. 
There is a huge difference between fiction and reality. Something anti’s don’t seem to understand. It would just be annoying if it wasn’t so harmful. When you start telling people to kill themselves, trying to ruin their lives with faux accusations, whatever. You become a horrible person. You become that terrible person you say you’re protecting everyone from. 
Just...enjoy what you enjoy. Tag your shit so people can avoid it. Block what you don’t like and have fun for fuck’s sake. Respect and be kind to one another. Take all that moral righteousness and channel it into something that actually helps people instead of actively harming them. 
Someone writing about something that upsets you, unless sent directly to you, is not a personal attack. People don’t have to stop writing about something just because you don’t like it. Different strokes for different folks and all that. Everyone has had different experiences in life and are effected by things differently. 
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gaydrienagreste · 7 years
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Are you against autistic keith?? It's a headcanon i have, and im autistic. I mean you dont have to have it obviously but i dont think its wrong
I'm surprised I didn't get asked this sooner honestly. At any rate, let me make this clear, Amon:I'm also autistic, and I have quite a few neurodivergent headcanons, including some autistic ones. So I know how much comfort it brings to be able to see yourself in a character. I generally support all the autistic headcanons I see, even if I don't view the character as autistic myself. The only exception is Keith-not because I don't see the reasoning for it, but because of the supporters.In almost every fandom, any popular headcanon will get treated as canon and the people who support it will send awful messages to those who don't. I've seen it happen countless times in a large variety of fandoms, like Steven Universe and Gravity Falls. In the case of the Voltron fandom, autistic Keith was one of the headcanons to receive this treatment. Most of the posts about it belittled people who didn't share the headcanon, which sparked a lot of arguing, especially about Dirty Laundry.A huge part of the Dirty Laundry discourse was when a side character was revealed to be autistic. Many people sent the author messages telling her she was ableist for trying to write an autistic character that was also a side character, and then demanded she write Keith as autistic instead. I've read the fic, and the way Alexi was written was not ableist-in fact, she reminded of a younger version of myself. Despite the obvious fact that there wasn't any ableism, these backwards demands continued.What really left a bad taste in my mouth was that the author was a minor and most of the people sending her these messages were adults. As a minor myself, this made me extremely uncomfortable to see. But the supporters didn't seem to care that she was a minor. When I pointed this out to one of them, who was an adult, he immediately told me that he wanted to stop talking about it.None of the other supporters were any better. They made posts saying those who didn't see Keith as autistic were ableist and rotten people. Many of them continued to harass the author of Dirty Laundry even after the discourse over it had blown over. They were insistent on pushing the idea that writing a side chatacter who's autistic when you're not autistic is ableist, and the only way to fix it is by making a main character autistic-even though they said it was ableist to write an autistic character when you're not autistic.At any rate, most of the autistic Keith content I saw was usually posted by one of these people, so I started to associate the headcanon with them. This kind of ruined the headcanon for me. Now whenever I see autistic Keith content I think of those people and I start to feel sick.But if you headcanon Keith as autistic, I don't mind. As long as you are respectful about it and don't push it onto others, you're good imo.
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Text
SOME CORRESPONDENCE OF SC
Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), November 2014
SC     11/29/14    to JM
Dear JM,
it was nice to see you other other day at the demo....im not exactly sure how to start this email but our exchange keeps repeating on me...so i thought i would write to you... i was a bit irrked that you seemed surprised that I said I was feeling quite shit and when you asked me whats up etc
I'm starting to think you have no idea what the impact the bloomsbury ten stuff has had on me... i wanted to write to you so you had some type of idea...
as Im sure your aware everything sparked up again recently ( it actually sparked up (intensely) again a few weeks before K’s piece of writing but i wont go into that here ). and there is now a name and shame blog doxing me and the others and accusing us of various crimes.
I know you have not partaken in this and even tried to calm thing down on fb at one point.... but it doesnt help and things are really bad.
there are a BUNCH of people who read our intervention letter who have grossly and purposely falsified what we originally wrote -  you know many of these people  - ( ie NBa, RA-D, P, STA, etc many others ) and im sure you have seen this stuff circulating recently and over the last few years.
they accuse us of at least these things:
- victim blaming
-denying it happened
-calling her a liar
- asking for more evidence
- asking about her sexual history
-bullying and harassing her
-saying it was her fault.
yet anyone who read / reads the original letter and who has basic comprehension skills can clearly see that none of these things happened. these are projections onto what we wrote and not our words at all. obviously we cannot even defend ourselves publicly to refute these malicious claims without picking over detail and i think no one thinks it would be appropriate or right to do this as both the first email and our response have details of …. This has left space for others to twist and turn and lie about what we originally wrote.
Im not saying you should agree with what we wrote or our intervention but seriously these lies about what happened are more than malicious and completely untrue. equally as for the claims that we were were hiding behind anonymity  -  we went to BOTH follow up meetings after we wrote the letter and everyone knew who we were -  we also agreed to go to a third meeting but that never happened .... the only reason people have my name now is because i went to a meeting and made myself known like everyone else. i hardly think this is hiding ...
---
i want you to understand the effect this has had on me not just in the last month or so but over the last few years as well.
firstly i had so much self doubt to the point that i felt that i WAS a victim blaming rape apologist and that what we had written was of that effect. I had to read and re read what we wrote over a couple of hundred times ( and that is not an exaggeration )  -  i have read it over and over to try and understand peoples accusations...finally in desperation I showed it privately to (redacted) who were not part of writing the original statement -  from (redacted) to  (redacted)  - i showed it to very smart and honest people-  EVERYBODY was fucking shocked at the way what we wrote had been interpreted. It is only with the most decontextualised and ungenerous reading of about one line that you could move to a victim blaming reading...... this response /  projection is complete gas lighting and really hurtful and dangerous. ( esp for me as i have pretty serious mental health issues)
over the last weeks, basically after K wrote her piece, i repeatedly felt suicidal and got very very ill... al had to take time off to stay with me and look after me. I couldnt walk i couldnt eat and i couldnt sleep. i was completely haunted by the trial by social media ( i actually still am). and the very malicious smears against me and the others. I basically had a complete breakdown and had to be put in touch with a crisis mental health team and was very close to hospitalization.... and although i am on the mend now i am very far from being well and am dosed up to the eyeballs on meds and still have very low days. this has had an extreme impact on me.
Im not sure if you know this but i lost my father at the beginning on this year.... its really been the year from hell. I was just starting to recover from his death and then this stuff comes up and was the final straw and knocked me sideways...
many people of twiiter who tweet about this like its a fucking sport know not only that i lost my dad this year but that i have stress triggered mental health problems... this doesnt seem to stop them from massively false and malicious tweets. I have had PERSONAL abuse from R and there are a lot of men who have taken a delight in taking a stand against me ( victim blaming rape appologist ) and think its fine to stick my name on a blog and spread lies about me ( obviously i deserve it).....
to get proof of who was saying what I literally had to witness my own online abuse in real time as a live twitter feed -  i had to screen grab the lot before people could deny or delete what they were saying or block me - please try to imagine what its like to photograph your own abuse as spectacle on twitter. ....
anyway i have proof of a lot of what and who has been saying what now...
----
to be honest im not even telling you the half of what has gone on , on the impact this has had on me and others and of how upset i am by the sheer dishonesty, cruelty and sadistic abuse that has happened. ontop of that no one says anything and people like RA-D, M and NBa and P go on as if nothing has happened.
---
i know you havent joined in in any of this and you didnt ask for it to happen. I have to be honest with you though -  neither you , JB, SB, or MC [the accountability panel] have ever said anything and this really hurts. you were all part of the original group who wrote the letter and tried to sort things out.... no one has said anything and it has spiralled to the point that it has.... you all have been able to walk away.... it was very hard to have you bounce up to me at the demo and be surprised that i was not ok or ask why i was not ok.....
i am basically known on twitter as a rape appologist for things i haven’t done and haven’t said. have another look at what was written   - we never disputed what [REDACTED]  said once -  we criticised the process as we said we didn’t think things were being dealt with in a serious or appropriate way -  we NEVER disputed what she said or said it was her fault and we always said that it needed to be dealt with... its written in the statement which im sure you still have..
i dont really know why im writing this... i know you disagree with what we wrote  - i disagree with what was originally written  - but never did i think you were coming from a bad place -  i know you were trying to do the right thing.... i feel like people assumed the very very worst of me and others and that it is grossly ungenerous and now is dishonest and cruel.
i dont know what to say really - im still not ok about any of this and now every time i go on social media or to a demo I must wonder if i must see people like RA-D. NBa etc acting like nothing bad has happened, acting like they are not abusive and dishonest and that there will be no repercussion for how they have treated me and others.
— ( screen grabs sent including death threat screen grab)
i have plenty more screen grabs that just a very very small selection..
(redacted)
if you think about it " pls remind me who im missing out"
he purposely left my name out ( he knew i was part of b10 ) then asked people to remind him of my name in the  separate next tweet ... please run that around in your head and think about what that means and why he did that... he takes a massive pleasure in being purposely abusive to me personally... its a fucking sport to him..... and no body said anything.
———
sorry to keep emailing  -  only to say i probably have left my flat less than 15 times in the past two months /  two and half months since this has kicked off.... im basically non functional and i spent about a month uncontrollably weeping for most of the time i was awake... quite literally  -  u can ask anyone from a to DG or MH  to the crisis team or my dr -  who took it in turns looking after me during the worst parts of it.
that i have to put up with abusive men like RA-D or women like NBa and P ( because i deserve it for being a rape apologist ) is beyond a joke.
you know very little about my life and nor does anyone else - i have NOT had an easy life , the statistical chances of  me being relatively sane , functional and with a good post grad education are much less than 1 percent.
and now i have to put up with a bunch of very well educated privileged student activists who I know to have high comprehension and reading skills fucking lying about what i/others have written and done is a fucking joke.
and that they purport to do this in the name of countering gendered structural violence is a fucking disgrace.
JM    11/29/14    to SC
Hey S,
I had no idea it had gotten this bad and that it was ongoing.
DG mentioned some of this to me a few weeks ago but but then I had only seen a small amount of the backlash on M's facebook wall, which is what I responded to. It seemed like it had flared up around K's post but was beginning to die down. I don't use twitter that much, partly because of the irritating dogmatism and pernicious attitudes it seems to produce (case in point), so I hadn't seen any of the stuff on there. I either don't follow, don't know, or have stopped following the people you mentioned and have generally distanced myself from a lot of the left-crowd in the past year for a number of reasons - but partly because I find the language and mentality which seems to have developed so off-putting that I no longer feel a part of the same discourse - the result is that I'm perhaps more out of the loop than you were aware.
Whatever type of anarchism it is that justifies this kind of behaviour I don't want any part of, and can't think of anything more willfully destructive than posting people's names on the internet or threatening people with violence. I can understand why [REDACTED] is angry about what happened but I can't for the life of me understand how this will help anything beyond a misplaced desire for arbitrary retribution.
You know my feelings about what was written, but as far as I'm concerned it is in the past. I'm sure that if we could go back in time everybody would have gone about things differently on all sides. What matters to me is where people's heart is - I have no doubt whatsoever that people like yourself and MH are good people with the best intentions. I wouldn't maintain the fondness I hold for both of you if I didn't. JBR and some of the others I'm less sure about - there are some good parts to him, but I don't trust him enough to be as close as I once was; being polemic or 'critical' often seems more important to him than generosity of spirit, and he can consequently be quite nasty to people with very little reason. He is far better at sowing division than anything else. I think RB is a good man but sometimes lets his friendship with JB cloud his judgement, as it did mine at points in the past. I certainly don't harbour ill will towards him, even if I felt initially hurt by him, and I'm sad we're not as close to each other because of all this stuff - I feel like I lost an important friend. I haven't come across RL in the past few years but I'd like to hope we'd be able to clear the air one day if we did cross paths. I've never had any reason to doubt she's a lovely person who got caught up in an extremely difficult situation and any hostility she expressed was an understandable product of that.
As for now, I don't think anybody has any answers to this stuff and if we're going to come up with anything of meaning or value it will require thinking through the kind of criticisms K made in her post, many of which are inarguable. At the same time we can't just ignore issues when they arise for the sake of convenience. Unfortunately the political climate seems completely anathema to learning anything productive from what has happened and looks to bully people (how much easier) on social media instead - hence my increasing sense of frustration with the 'scene' and my desire to become more distant from it.
I haven't been staying silent because I'm okay with what's happening - I simply haven't encountered it except on M’s facebook wall, where I intervened accordingly. If this starts to happen again send me a message and I will offer whatever weight I have as someone who criticised the original statement. I'm wary of putting something up out of the blue lest it simply stir the whole thing up again, but if others are doing that anyway let me know.
I hope you're doing okay.  if you want to have a drink and chat about any of this or life generally just drop me a line.
J x
Correspondence between SC and JM (a member of the accountability panel), April 2015
to JM
and are any other accountability group members coming to the meeting?
JM    4/26/15    to sc
Yep that's fine for me - as to the others I don't know, I prodded them the other week but no one replied. I think I'm right in saying that no one was opposed to talking on principle but that there were reservations about it being a larger meeting, what the objective was, how it might be framed etc. If we're going with the 6th then I'll send a message and see what they say.
SC    4/26/15    to JM
no one is going to frame anything .i have always been open with you about my thoughts on this...i think its better for all of us that other people, who are wise and have good politics esp gender politics... are there to advise us all.... i would like people to stop abusing me for stuff i havent done, written , said thought, think etc.. i dont think its a big ask for the group to come considering they were at the heart of the process. i know none of them have been abusive towards me... however they were intitated a process that has become way out of control...i think people need to face up to what has and is happening in an honest way. as i have said many times i have evidence of people smearing me and abuseing me online. there is a very male core to alot of this abuse. i need to make this stop. my endurance for this has run out and its making me exreamly ill. please communicate to the the seriousness of this situation.
and apart from myself i ( unlike all the liars say) worry a great deal about [REDACTED]..I am totally unable to approach her to try and get aid with resolution for her, which she clearly needs.
basically JM i am not despite what many people write about me online , some type of evil bastard and neither is anyone else. the way we have been and are being treated is unjustifiable and it needs to stop, be confronted and people need to take responsibilty for their actions. i am sick of being hounded online and being villified to a large invisible audience. i am sick of people justifying their abuse cos they think i deserve it. - that actually is victim blaming and it needs to stop.
SC     4/26/15    to JM
i have a folder with 6 months worth of abuse  -  which is about 300 tweets, thats is just a tiny tiny percentage of what has been going on. within this folder i have a sub folder of people joking about putting me in a black bin liner, stabbing me, glassing me and saying that i should be killed.  when are people going to wake up?? i am a real person, this has a real imapct on me.  i suffer real mental health issues, which are classed as a severe disability. do u understand that if i have a sever breakdown i have zero garentee of " coming out" of a psycotic state? have you any idea what it is like to live with that thought?
how can i get this into peoples heads here??? i have STRESS TRIGGERED PSYCOSIS. -  i cant really understand how this cannot at least move people to take some kind of action? or is it that they think that cos i am a " victim blamer" ( which i am not ) that i should just suffer the abuse that i am receiving?
do they need doctors notes? i have access to 18 years worth. i am not making my health problems up....
SC     4/26/15    to JM
do u realise that this is not going to go away? i cant live like this.
they cant justify their abuse. because thats what it is.
SC     4/26/15    to JM
i hope that all of you in the accountability group will stop  not see this as an attack on you all and start to face up to what is actually going on here. i incuded people like np, tz and dg on the list becuase i am hopeing that you might talk with them and listen to them about this, you all clearly have zero respect for me and dont believe me.. but myabe you will listen to them? some other perspectives?
JM     4/27/15    to SC
I don't think I've given you any reason to feel I have zero respect for you, Sophie, or the others. I'm coming to the meeting - I'm just relating as best I can what other people feel. I understand their caution, and I can't force them to do anything. I will say that I worry about seeing me or the others as the solution to this - ultimately it isn't coming from us, and none of us share personal relationships or even a political outlook any more with the people involved. To me this is exactly the problem with abandoning the notion of being part of a community with obligations to each other, and what happens if there's no process in place that can bring closure to a problem - which takes us back to the original disagreements I suppose. This was an issue whether anyone wanted to address it or not.
SC     4/27/15    to JM
No one expects any forcing. Some of those in the accountability group are pretty close to some extremely abuseive people. I find it abhorrent. Maybe JB MC Sb etc might well talk to them off social media?  I don't know really. It seems odd that a group of people who used to be my friends and who profess to want to deal with gendered violence just shrug their shoulders and say this is a consequence of what u wrote. Or something similar. I have pointed out a number of times how what we wrote has been undeniably and maliciously distorted - and then this distortion used as a pretext for abuse. I m not the only person who think this, I have shown the text to NP, MV, TZ,  DG and other people I trust and asked them to read it for the things that we all have been accused of, (redacted) and said that I would apologies if it had blamed her, I lost complete trust in my own capacity to have faith in my own motivations and actions. That is actually gas lighting. Ikon wits not coming from u ( well I actually have at least one horrible grab from SB) but a lot of it is coming fro. People who were on that list or went to the meetings. Plenty people are making excuses for all this is more than shocking... It's like some bastard of Lord of the flies and the Salam witch trails on acid. I have men beating up on me online for things they know I haven't said. And even if I had said them it would still be unjustifiable.
SC     4/27/15    to JM
JM I'm sorry I'm a 35 year old working class woman with severe mental health problems. I was (redacted) and had (redacted). Before I went to university, at 25 my life was spent in (redacted) institutions and women's (redacted). Against statistical odds of probably less than one percent I have a post grad and had hoped to do a PhD. My life was for the first time on 30 years starting to settle. This is ruining me. It's making me ill. I have these disgusting middle class pricks hounding me online for sport and cred. I'm not MH and I'm not JBR and this b10 stuff does not play out in an equal way for us all. For me it is extreeamly traumatic due to who I am and the life that I have lived. As I told you it's making me ill, I am extreeamly lucky I haven't ended up in hospital. Please take time to get educate yourself about schizo effective effective disorder and its relationship to stress.
I hope that the other accountability group people will come to the meeting and stop being complicit and cowardly.
SC     4/27/15    to JM
I am hoping for some type of collective process or intervention. If this doesn't happen I am forced to take matters into my own hands alone to stop people abuseing me.
JM     4/27/15    to SC
I think it's best I just relate the things you're saying to me directly to the others because, as I've said, I'm coming to the meeting.
Are you alright with that, and if so, is there anything from this thread you'd want me not to pass on?
JM     4/27/15    to SC
to be clear I mean just c/ping the above so they can hear it themselves and decide accordingly. I don't think I can be any more use as a go-between now
SC     4/27/15    to JM
If you think it will help I suppose you should. Please do not copy sections but the whole exchange. I feel angry that I am I a position where I must disclose the shit life I have lived. And which still makes me feel a great deal of shame. At least maybe I won't have to go over it in A meeting publicly.
If I find that anyone had forwarded my email exchange beyond people who were in the accountability group I will be more than angry. Equally if it is subject to gossip or distortion on or off social media and I shall be more than upsset.
Thanks for trying to help.
Correspondence between SC and ZB (who had acted as a representative of [REDACTED] during the accountability meetings), October 2014
HI ZB,
I am writing to you as I have been told by people that we have in common and that i trust that you are solid feminist with good politics. I will try to keep this brief. i am not sure how much you are aware of what has been going on recently and for years. I do not have the energy to go over all of it.
The situation cannot go on as it is. I am getting very ill, I have sever stress triggered schizoaffective disorder. I have lost my father this year too. I have comrades and my partner caring for me, so don't worry about that.
I am worried about  [REDACTED]. ( not [person with same initials] the other one )
here are some of her tweets, i have a million more, this is a random selection. I have seen worse.
— ( screen grabs of [REDACTED] and other actors)
there are a lot of lies being peddled here. Of course i would be extremely angry too i if i thought anyone had denied my suffering and my experience, victim blamed and asked me to evidence it. ( actually the position that i am in now )
there are a network of actors here, between me and you and her, who have deliberately falsified what we originally wrote and did and have done since.  I think they do this to make a political point and to normalize a certain political practice. They can all read well. Im sure a;lot of them have read the original text that was written  ( i have attached it here along with my own writing ).
The ONLY reason myself and others have not defended ourselves in a public way is because we am worried about [REDACTED] safety and sanity . I cannot be a punch bag for these people. they are not her friends/ comrades either and not helping her at all. I feel she needs support but i cannot approach her.
There are a host of people getting a lot of pleasure out of all of this. I have screen grabs of the lot. in amongst them hide some very abusive men.  I have hard evidence of men abusing me on twitter and using [REDACTED]’s trauma as an excuse to do so. there are a bunch of women too who have played a very big part in escalating this to the situation as it currently manifests. I have had to  witness all  abuse play out as a spectacle on twitter.  I have ( had to ) screen grabbed the lot.
I am not asking help with anything other than a good support network for her. I feel that she is surrounded by some very dubious people, with bad politics and ethics.  People who call themselves feminists and communists, who are so far away from that its unreal.
I am sorry to pull you into this but i am worried that lives are at risk. i know you have just had a baby ( congratulations) and i imagine you are time short and tired. If you can think of any thing that might help please let me know.
Solidarity,
SC
ZB    10/13/14    To SC
Hi S. I will use the form on the tumblr to ask for it to be taken down. I don't know who is running it, I was only aware of it after A told me about it yesterday. I have no reason to think that whoever is behind it will listen to me but I will message them.
I have not seen [REDACTED] for almost a year, nor am I able to spend much time on anything political at present as I'm heavily pregnant. Beyond messaging the blog post there isn't anything else I can do at present.
ZB
SC     10/13/14    to ZB
Ok thanks for writting back. I worry for [REDACTED] I really do . Her identity seems very invested in all of this persecution and lies. I don't know how aware she really is in all of this or how much she has been gas lit by others. I am sure you can read and I  sure you can see that we never blamed her nor ignored or denied that it happened or her trauma. We disagreed and intervened  in all of it that is for sure  - we disagreed with how the process was manifesting. but none of us have ever bullied her denied that it happened or asked her for more proof or any of those vicious claims that are currently circulating .
Anyway thanks for your solidarity and for writing to the blog. I wish you luck with your pregnancy. X
Sent with one hand
4. Correspondence with an email list including JM from accountability panel, March 2015. This correspondence took place around DG’s banning from Goldsmiths Occupation. DG was not part of B10.
SC to List
sorry but this is not going away..  -  an argument about safer spaces - will NOT sort this out!
this is too much bs, i need some support i want to confront this its a pack of fucking lies i am sick to my teeth of this.. i want to call it...it absolutely needs to stop and be put right.
J M - YOU WERE IN THE ACCOUNTABILITY GROUP WHICH HAS BEEN COMPLETELY QUIET.!!!.... you need to meet with me and others and this needs to stop! im AM SICK of people spreading lies about me and others and abusing ME AND MY COMRADES on the web for things that were not said and done! I do not give 2 fucks about what any1 thinks the b10's intentions were.... i know what we wrote and what was said in the meetings after.. i also have a ton of screen grabs about all the malicious lies been spread about us...
i have cc'd Ad. into this who has been purged from SF. i hope he will help us sort this out. MB and U and J all vouch for him.
i CANNOT HANDLE THIS ANYMORE. IT NEEEDS TO BE PUT TO REST!
MB     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.
Fucking right!
Apparently people have walked out of the occupation due to this, it wasn't democratically agreed upon at all. the occupation statement and the people behind it are fucking idiots.
JM [accountability panel]    3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.
Oh for fucks sake.
Alright, I've replied with this for now.
"I don't know where you have got your information from but as someone who was involved in trying to address the situation you're referring to I want to make it absolutely clear that DG had nothing to do with the B10 statement, and was nothing but helpful to me and others throughout the process. I can't see how suggestions to the contrary can be justified. Banning him or anyone else from giving talks runs counter to everything that was trying to be achieved at that time. For people with no knowledge of what you're referring to it also reads like an extremely serious implication about DG. Please don't put out statements like this without contacting people who actually know about the circumstances, and respect the spirit of their intentions. Get in touch with me or anyone else who was involved if you want to talk about this more, but I strongly suggest you remove this statement and cease implying falsehoods about DG, whether you want him to speak at Goldsmiths or not."
SC - I can only respond to what I see, and have done so when directed to obvious bullshit like this.
AP     3/28/15    to SC, kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.
Authoring the thing 'Bloomsbury 10' was so ridiculously stupid. It just sounds so ominous for anyone who hasn't a clue what this is about. I think those involved who havent come forward and defended themselves in writing should probably reconsider as this obviously isnt going away.
SC     3/28/15    to kD, AL, B, AS, D, CB, DG, JM, JBR, AP, Ad.  AK
All, JM,
I really do appreciate that you have made a clarification about DG.. however this for me does not cut it at all as it does NOT address the false claim against b10.
to go over this again, the claims are based on the letter that we wrote to the email list, which i attach again, with my underlined parts.
the claims that are made against us that i have screen grabs of, are :
- we victimed blamed and are rape appologists
- that we harrassed [REDACTED] and made her life hell in the ensuing years
- that we hid under a cloak of anonimity - ( WE WENT TO 2 FOLLOW UP MEETINGS in the following week -  making it obvious who we were and what we wrote)
- that was said she was lying /  making it up /  said it was her fault
PLEASE READ WHAT WAS ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON THE STATEMENT!!!!!!  IT IS ATTACHED!!!!!
to make this really clear pls read what i wrote in another p[rivate email to a member of sf earlier this month in regards to this letter:
----
I am prepared to take responsibility and argue over the contents of a letter i help write, discuss what it means, and the impact of it and its context... i am not prepared to accept falsifications of what was written, nor projections onto it by others of any inherent meaning or imagined bad motivation or intention.......
for example, i think a reading that is used to justify a lot of the victim blaming label attached to me ( and others ) in relation to the letter ( which after all started all this off more or less)  logically works like this:
the first move is to take a single paragraph out of the context of the whole document ( i mean the paragraph that mentions the accountability panels omission of the discussion of knife play - i think this section is what cause most but not all of the accusations of rape apologia and victim blaming etc)
the second move is then  to do two things with the de-contextualized paragraph:
1) make it stand it and negate every other written word on the b10 letter
2) and importantly then make the following argument:
something like ".. any mention of the context of the knife is TANTAMOUNT TO VICTIM BLAMING...." ... the claim is, the context of the knife is both irrelevant and at the same time any mention of it would only (be to) discredit her account...
er hello???? why do THEY think it discredits her account... (this is not what we ever said..we did however write that we fully acknowledge her account, this it needed serious responses which had already started, wanted dialogue and a different way of dealing with /  you can read those sections i have highlighted them)..  ..... this last move.. ( the context is discrediting) is their ( very troubling) projection onto what was intended, meant written, etc etc
im sure you see my point.
please think about the logic of that move....it is very odd and dubious....
-----
the accountability panel were criticised. NOT [REDACTED]!
when is this going to be put to rest..... THE ACCOUNTABILITY PANEL have said NOTHING.. for 3 years!!!!!! THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.
you and others may disagree with me  / b10 questioning and disrupting the process. BUT NOT BY FALSIFYING WHAT WAS WRITTEN>
I have had to put up with 3 YEARS of gaslighting me, having "anarchist" men abusing me personally, of being doxed online. I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. THIS HAS TO STOP> THIS IS NOT A SAVE DG’s REP CAMPAIGN>
i want a meeting with you JM JB MCe and SB and TJ [all the members of the original accountability panel] and you were ALL in the process and have said NOTHING ABOUT ANY OF THE FUCKING LIES AND ABUSE BEING LEVELED AT ME AND OTHERS.
i am sick of this its BULLSHIT.
i spent 4 years of my fucking life in a (redacted)l. i have a locked and hidden social media account FOR A REASON. I WANT THIS SORTED OUT AND THE TUMBLR DOWN.
0 notes
horsebitesfence · 4 years
Text
On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe
RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources
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RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)
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RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)
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HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.
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HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.
But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.
Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.
The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.
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HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.
HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.
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HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.
Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.
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RB: gosh, yea.
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HP: Sorry so much.
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RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis
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HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.
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RB: ok
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RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1
and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.
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HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.
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RB: 'comorbidity'
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RB:  i feel lost in time.
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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to
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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.
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RB: why i never write
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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh
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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing
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RB: + procrastinating
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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word
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RB: as described ^^
HP:  Same!
RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful
RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram
HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical
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RB: sertraline seemed better
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HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).
RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.
HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.
HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.
RB: ok
HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.
RB: yea; more interested in strategy
HP: So yeah strategy v. key.
RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.
HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky
HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.
[time passes]
RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;
it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.
HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:
https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3
HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.
I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.
HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity
RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.
RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet
RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –
RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4
HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.
HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.
HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.
HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.
HP: Thanks xx
RB: <3
RB: Thank you
1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984
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3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )
4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))
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