#I should see if it’s safe to keep taking my pill if I have severe clotting

[foxy-eva]

Handle with Care

Summary: Spencer tries to be there for his wife after a traumatic experience

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Please read the CW, this story contains potentially triggering topics!  Content Warnings: (16+ for heavy themes) implied/referenced SA (non-graphic), mentions of hospitals, medication and medical exams, description of minor injuries (bruises), behavior responding to trauma, issues with self-worth/self-hatred, crying, food mentions

Word count: 3k

Masterlist

There was a truth I had to learn as a young boy and couldn't shake until I met my wife – Love always brings pain with it.  

My wife was the first person to show me a love that didn't come with the risk of getting hurt. She had the ability to reset my view on what it should feel like to love and be loved. 

However, when I got a call from the hospital earlier today, I was reminded that I had been right all along. 

Love and pain really are inseparable.

When I walked into the examination room I found my wife staring out of the window, not even acknowledging my presence. 

"Hey," I whispered. 

She turned her head to look at me and I forgot how to breathe for several moments. Seeing my loved ones hurting has always been so much more painful for me than any atrocities I have had to endure myself. 

After years of profiling victims there was no need for anyone to tell me what had happened to her, I knew immediately. Without wanting to, I scanned her body language and counted several nicks and bruises on her skin. Her sight fell to her lap and I noticed her eyes tracing the pattern on the hospital gown. 

I slowly stepped closer. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get here. Do you know if they are done with everything yet?"

"They took my clothes," she muttered without looking up at me, "for evidence." 

"I know, love. They have to do that. I stopped at home on my way here to get you something to change into." 

A knock on the door caught her attention. A nurse stepped in to hand my wife several bottles with pills, explaining to her what they were and how to take them. It was obvious that she wasn't able to listen but that was okay. I was here now. I could tell her later. 

The nurse let us know that we could go home and left the room. My wife's eyes found mine, the desperation in her look letting my heart shatter. A single tear ran down her cheek while she whispered, "I don't know what to do now."

I stepped closer to her and reached out my hands but stopped myself before I could touch her. Taking a deep breath, I reached into my bag and placed her clothes right beside where she was sitting on the hospital bed. 

I tried my best to sound soothing when I said, "First, you will put on clothes. Then we'll walk out of here and drive home. And then we'll take it from there. One step at a time."

She nodded and looked at her clothes, hesitating to take off her hospital gown. 

"Do you need help, love?" I offered. 

Her sight fell to the floor right before she mumbled, "Could you wait outside?"

Over the years I had memorized every curve and dip of her body, her skin feeling more familiar to me than my own. I saw her bare form almost every day, be it while brushing my teeth while she showered or when we were lost in each other's arms. She had never even thought twice about shedding her clothes in front of me. 

Until this day. 

"Yes, of course." 

I closed the door behind me when I walked out of the room and waited for her to get ready. When she came out, she intuitively reached for my hand, my heart skipping a beat at the unexpected contact. She didn't let go of me until we reached my car. 

We were both silent on the way home. She seemed too exhausted to talk and I was stuck with my attempt to find the right words to say. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had failed her, that I could and should have protected her from the cruelties of this world. 

What was the point of saving all those people every day when I couldn't even keep the love of my life safe? 

The sound of her sighing pulled me away from my thoughts. I averted the sight from the road to look at her for a moment. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't more careful," she stuttered. 

My lips parted but nothing came out. I focussed back on the road for a moment until I found a space to pull over. I turned my body to be able to face her but she avoided looking at me. 

"Listen to me. None of this is your fault. You didn't do anything to provoke this," I explained.

We locked eyes then and I noticed hers glistening with tears. "But I still should have–"

"No!" That came out louder than I had intended. I tried to contain my anger when I told her, "This is his fault, not yours."

And I will do everything in my power that he won't lay a hand on you ever again, I thought.

She looked like she wanted to protest my statement but decided to not voice her thoughts. "I just want to go home," she said instead. 

We continued the drive in silence and I attempted to swallow down the boiling anger in my chest. Letting her see my disdain for the man who hurt her was certainly not what she needed right now. 

When we stepped into our apartment, she halted in the hallway as if she couldn't remember her usual steps of entering our home. I suggested that she could take a bath and she nodded, following me to the bathroom and watching each of my movements as I prepared the bathtub for her. 

"I'll give you some privacy. Just let me know when you need me."

My wife nodded once more and stared at the door until I had left the room. I lingered on the other side for a while, listening to the sound of her getting into the tub and turning off the water. When I was sure that she wouldn't call out my name anytime soon, I distracted myself by ordering food and tidying up a bit. 

Forty minutes passed without a sound coming from the bathroom. I stood in front of the door and timidly knocked against the wood.

"Is everything okay?" I wanted to know. 

Almost inaudibly I heard her voice a broken "No."

It was the obvious answer. Of course she wasn't okay. 

"What can I do?"

Silence. 

I contemplated just entering the room but then I heard her pleading, "Can you come in?"

I found her cowering in the tub, her arms wrapped around her knees as if she was trying to make herself as small as possible. She didn't look at me when she whimpered, "I can't wash it off."

I stepped closer to her and crouched down beside the bathtub. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand," I confessed. 

Her red rimmed eyes found mine and I saw something in her look I had only seen on rare occasions before. 

Rage.

"I can't wash him off," she shouted. 

"You're safe here. He can't hurt you anymore," I tried to remind her. 

It didn't work. 

Her whole body started shaking, broken sobs wrecking through her as she hid her face in her hands. The sound of her suffering went directly into my body and made me feel as if her pain would etch into my bones.

"Can I touch you?"

She didn't respond. She couldn't respond. I placed my palm on her shoulder, squeezing it gently in an attempt to bring her back to me. I knew that my words couldn't reach her but I tried it anyway.

"I'm so sorry this happened. I wish I could have protected you." 

After a while her whimpers simmered down until she was silent. Not even her breathing was audible, making me question the amount of oxygen currently entering her body. 

I tried to reassure her further, "I am here now."

When she nodded, implicitly telling me that she could hear me, I reached for her arms and helped her out of the tub. Wrapping her in a towel, I placed my arms around her still quivering body and held her tightly against my chest. She nestled her face into the fabric of my shirt and I felt her breathing slowly even out. 

Time became abstract while we stood in our shared embrace. It was impossible to tell whether minutes or hours had passed when she started moving again. She silently followed her usual routine after taking baths, putting on new clothes and brushing her hair. I lingered in her presence and followed her into the living room when she was done. 

"I ordered pizza when you were in the bathroom. Can I get you some?"

My wife whispered, “No,” and sat down on the couch. I found my place beside her. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" I offered.

She shook her head and asked, "How was work?"

I raised my eyebrows as I looked at her. "Do you really want me to talk about work?"

"Yes," she breathed and added, "Please."

I thought about what I could tell her about my day that wouldn't be too unsettling. "JJ accidently bumped into Morgan who then spilled his coffee all over my geological profile."

To my surprise she started giggling, the sound immediately warming my heart.  A grin appeared on my face. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she snickered. "I just imagined the squeaking sound you probably made when that happened."

"Hey! I don't make squeaking sounds!" I laughed in protest. 

She smirked at me and moved closer until hardly any distance could be found between our thighs. Without a warning, her hand made contact with the side of my torso, pinching my skin just enough to evoke the noise she had just mentioned. 

I threw my hands in the air, implicitly pleading for her to stop. "Okay, okay! I'll take it back!"

She let go of me and curled her body into my side instead. I felt the tensions leave her as she felt almost limp against me. The exhaustion after an adrenaline rush was familiar to me and I knew very well that it can feel like no amount of sleep would ever be enough to feel alright again. 

I suggested it anyway. 

"Do you want to go to bed?" 

Her humming sounded like agreement, so I moved with her and guided her to our bed. After placing the comforter over her body, I leaned down to kiss her but stopped in my tracks when I noticed her flinching away from me. 

"I'm sorry," she whispered. 

"It's okay." 

But the truth was that nothing about this was okay. 

When I stepped back into the bedroom after getting ready for the night, she had already turned off the lamp on her nightstand. Usually I would hold her inside my arms until she'd fall asleep but everything about her body language told me not to touch her. 

"Good night. I love you."

I didn't get a response.

My wife got cold easily at night and I had always seen it as my responsibility to keep her warm. It was something so deeply embedded into my subconscious that there was no need for me to fully wake up to reach out for her when my body noticed the absence of her skin against mine. 

It took a second too long for any drowsiness to leave me and realize that I had wrapped my arms around my wife's sleeping body, just like I did most nights. It was her screaming that fully woke me and I let go of her once I noticed her struggling. She basically jumped out of bed. 

Despite the lack of light in the room, I could clearly make out the horror in her look. She was scared. She was terrified. 

Terrified of me. 

I got up and stepped closer to her but still kept my distance. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She stepped backwards until her shoulders met the closest wall. "Don't…" she whimpered.

She didn't need to speak the words for me to hear them nonetheless. 

Don't come closer. Don't touch me. Stay back.

I didn't dare to move when I asked, "What can I do?" 

"Just… give me some space," she sobbed. "Please."

I stood there in silence for a few moments, contemplating what to do next. Before I could think of anything, she said, "I'll sleep on the couch."

"No." I protested. "I'll go."

She didn't seem to have enough energy to argue with that, instead laying down on her side of the bed once more. I left the door to the bedroom open ajar to be able to hear her from my place on the couch. 

Rest didn't come easy to me for the rest of the night but I somehow managed to fall asleep eventually. The sensation of my blanket being lifted woke me in the early morning hours. My wife lay down beside me on the couch, finding her home inside my embrace. She pressed her body against mine and buried her face into the crook of my neck. 

I let my fingertips draw circles into her back, carefully following the same patterns like countless times before. Her breath was quivering against my skin as she attempted to find comfort in my arms. 

"Sorry I pushed you away," she mumbled against my neck and added, "I love you."

"You don't have to apologize. You were scared, it's understandable." I placed a chaste kiss into her hair. "I love you more."

I felt her smile against my skin before she pressed herself into me even more. With my arms tightly wrapped around her body I secured her position inside my embrace. 

The morning sun started illuminating the room but we kept lingering in this position for a few more hours. I would hold her like that for the rest of my life if she needed me to. I wasn't sure whether she had actually fallen back asleep or just silently tried to relax but I was content to have her close to me either way. 

I took time off work for the next few days, trying to be there for my wife at least until she felt ready to go back to work herself. There was a newfound routine we followed, from going on long walks and cooking together to me holding her when she cried and keeping her company when she couldn’t sleep. 

A couple of days after she had gotten hurt, I was waiting for her to get ready to go on a walk. When she took twice the time she usually needed to get dressed, I cautiously entered the bedroom to look for her. I found her standing in front of the mirror in just her underwear, her brows furrowed as she let her eyes wander over her body. It was the first time I had noticed her actually looking at herself in the mirror. 

As I stepped closer, she looked up and locked eyes with me through my reflection. Not even a second passed and she continued the examination of her skin, her fingertips tracing over the spots she focussed at with her eyes. It took me a moment to realize that she was staring at the bruises on her skin. 

There weren’t that many of them but it was still impossible to not notice her injuries. Over the course of the past few days I had noticed how the bruises had gotten darker in color, a reddish blue turning into a deep purple that almost appeared black in the dim lighting of the bedroom. 

“Are you in pain?” I wanted to know. 

When her eyes found mine once more, they were glistening with tears. 

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of him.” Her voice broke at the last syllable and I noticed how her bottom lip started trembling. 

Her knees gave up on her, having me reach for her to hinder her from falling. I gently guided her to the bed instead, helping her sit down on the mattress. Tears were streaming down her face and I cupped her cheeks to wipe them away. 

She couldn’t look at me when she sobbed, “It feels like my body is rotting everywhere he touched me.”

“That’s not true. Those bruises will hea–”

“I’m tainted, Spencer!” She interrupted my desperate attempt to soothe her. 

Before I could disagree, she got up from her place beside me and turned her back to me. “Don’t you think I can’t see the disgust in your eyes when you look at my body?” 

The shock her words evoked rushed through me like lightning. I got up and tried to get her to look at me. It didn’t work. 

“That’s not how it is. That’s not what I think,” I tried to explain.

We locked eyes and she seemed to genuinely wonder, “What is it then?”

“When I look at you, I get angry at the man who hurt you but even more than that, I am disappointed in myself for not being able to protect you.” I stepped closer to her until our bodies almost made contact. “Can I touch you?” 

She nodded. 

I let my fingertips tenderly dance over a bruise on her arm while I cooed, “When I see his markings on you, I fantasize about having the ability to erase them with the touch of my hand. I imagine touching you everywhere he did, to rid you of the memory of him and replace it with the sensation of my skin against yours.” 

My hand wandered upwards and over her shoulder. “I wish I could take it away, all this pain. I wish I could leave sparks everywhere my fingertips make contact with your skin, making it shine brighter than all of this darkness.” 

She stared at me with widened eyes and tears still streaming down her face. I leaned down to kiss her cheek, the salty taste meeting my lips. “And when I taste your tears, I imagine that the ocean left saline crystals on your skin after having washed away your sorrow.”

A shy smile appeared on her face when she heard my words. And for the first time since all of this had happened I felt hopeful about one thing.

We would be okay. 

Eventually.  

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[duskwoodgirl4life]

What the hell have I just written lol 🤣 thank you ladies from the discord server when I asked where to have MC meet Jake for the first time/have their first date. I wasn't expecting this 🤣🤣 I only wanted to know if it should be an abondoned building or log cabin

This oneshot contains drugs and so much fucked up things 🤣

I was busy getting ready for my first official date with Jake, it had been a year in the making. He kept his promise to meet after Hannah had been saved. I was a little sad that it wasn't going to be right away but I understood his reasons. He did keep in contact with me when he could. Every time my phone went off my heart started to beat faster. It's like my heart was telling me it was Jake. I've been standing in front of my wardrobe for the past few minutes trying to decide what to wear. Nothing really stands out until I find what I am really looking for a black hoodie. The hoodie he left for me outside my apartment. The hoodie still smells of him. I take it off the hanger and put it on. It feels so soft against my skin.

I take out my favorite pair of black skinny jeans and put them on. I grab my trainers and put them on. I take a look at the time and it's almost time to leave. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. I'm both excited and nervous at the same time but nothing can take the smile off my face. I get to finally meet the love of my life, the man that walked into my life wanting me to help find his half sister. Taking my keys I lock my apartment door and walk towards my car. My phone starts to buzz just as I reach the car.

Jake: hello MC, I can't wait to see you drive safe x

A smile spreads across my face and a warm feeling in my body.

MC: hello Jake, I can't wait to see you either see you soon x

Putting the phone back in my pocket and I get into the car and make my way to the location Jake told me to meet him. Half an hour later I arrive at my destination, it's an old abandoned building. There are several homeless people standing around a round metal barrel with wood sticking out of it set on fire. I walk past them as carefully as I can without attracting too much attention. Once inside the building I go in search of Jake. He told me to make my way up the stairs and walk down the hallway and it's the 6th door on the right. I reach the door and I push it open. I see Jake's computer screens lit up but Jake is nowhere to be found. I softly call out to Jake but my efforts go unnoticed. I take out my phone and call him.

I can hear ringing coming from another room as I get closer. The ringing gets louder. I push open the door and find Jake sitting on the floor with Chinese noodles on his head sitting talking to the takeout container. "Jake!! What are you doing?" I walk closer to Jake who still hasn't noticed I'm there. I kneel down and try to get his attention. "Jake? It's me MC are you okay? Why do you have noodles on his head?" This time Jake looks up at me with a grin across his face. "Shhh they will hear you" I look at Jake in confusion "what do you mean? Who will hear us?" Jake looks to his left and right before answering. "The noodles they will hear you we have to keep quiet or they will attack"

I stand up and take a look around the room and notice an empty packet of pills on the floor. "Jake, have you taken all these pills? What the hell is going on?" After inspecting the packet I found one tablet left over. I know what he's been taking by the color. "Jake, why have you taken LSD? Do you know what that can do to you?" I got no response from him then he stood up and walked closer to me. "Quick the noodle army is on the way we need to attack first" Jake rushed out of the room, noodles still on his head shouting. "Attack of the killer noodles arghhh"

I start running after Jake to try and get him to be quite long enough for me to get him to the hospital. But I know that might not even be an option at the point I notice as he's running he's holding his left side. I start to work out what has happened. He's hurt himself and can't go to the hospital so he's taken a load of drugs to dull the pain. When I finally catch up with Jake he's in the kitchen with a sieve on his head and a spatula in his hand. "I've got a plan but we have to act quickly. The noodle army will be here any moment" when i looked at the counter Jake had wooden spoons all lined up in a row. "Jake come with me I know where we can hide" trying to humor him i put out my hand and he thankfully takes it. I led him back up the stairs and into his office where his computers are. "We can hide in here they will never find us" Jake looked at me with a questioning look then he smiled "good idea I will stand guard just in case"

The next few hours Jake walked up and down with the shive till on his head and spatula still in his hand. It was one of the longest two nights and days I have ever been through. Jake finally passed out on day 3 he's curled up in a ball in the corner of his office. I was finally able to take a look at Jake's injury. It was a deep wound but I was able to clean it up and put a bandage on it. After almost 24 hrs Jake finally woke up clearly wondering what the hell had happened. "What the fuck happened? Why do I have noodles in my hair? And why is there a sieve and a spatula next to me? Why are you here MC? What the fuck happened?"

This is going to take a long time to explain"let me go make some coffee and I'll explain everything"

#duskwood #everbyte game #duskwood jake #duskwood hacker #iamjake #duskwood jake x mc #i love you jake #jake x mc #he loves me #i love you #chinese #fairy lights #LSD #what the fuck is this?

[ageless-aislynn]

Frens, I am doing a heckin’ silly thing:

I’m trying to beat Halo: Combat Evolved... on Legendary. I’ve actually already made it through Pillar of Autumn, Halo, Truth and Reconciliation and The Silent Cartographer and am about to start Assault on the Control Room.

I anticipate a lot of dying and starting over in my future. I didn’t know if I was ever going to finish Truth and Rec because, darn it, Cpt Keyes KEPT GETTING KILLED. That man is not only a kidnapping magnet, he runs straight at enemies like sword Elites because he seems to think he’s invincible. Pro tip, Captain: YOU ARE NOT. YOU GET MURDER DEATH KILLED VERY, VERY QUICKLY.

I wish I had the option to throw him on my back and keep him safe. Or, you know, lock him in a room until I can clear all the enemies and then he could just make a nice, leisurely stroll to safety, lol!

(Actual tip: try to stay in front of him but when he’s crowding up too close and is in serious danger becoming unalive, turn and run back the other way; he and the marines should follow you. Then try to outrun him to take out the enemies before he rushes them himself and is MURDERED STONE-COLD DEAD IN .425 SECONDS 😲😣😉)

Silent Cartographer is, oddly enough, one of my most fav levels to play, even on Legendary. I learned a lot of helpful tricks to get through it when I learned to speedrun for the par time (I’ve got par times on all of CE and Halo 2 *is so proud* 😍👍) and I use it to just go and play on for fun. I also accidentally blew myself out of the map in the Hunters’ courtyard in the Legendary run and I’m totally going back later to do it on purpose and see where all you can go from there. 😎 I ended up recording some of this run and there were several funny glitches in it. I may put them together in a video or as GIFs or something. We’ll see. 🤷‍♀️

343 Guilty Spark, The Library, Two Betrayals, Keyes and The Maw are all looming ahead of me once I get past AotCR. Weirdly enough, I’m not dreading the Library the most because I just managed to get this achievement:

I played on Heroic but you can’t die without having to start all of the way over again and that was a PILL, let me tell you! I died so many times right at the very end and just wanted to

BUT! I learned some strategies to get through that’s going to really help me on Legendary. Plus I finally feel safe in saying that I’ve mastered the grenade jump at the start that lets you deload most of the enemies on the first level, so that helps. I’ve also come up with a fairly reliable strat to get the shotgun as soon as possible and you NEED that to get through.

Also, I just beat CE on Normal and Heroic and sorta learned how to navigate 343 Guilty Spark and not get AS lost as I used to, lol! Two Betrayals is the one I’m dreading the most, honestly. Those bridges, ARGH.

Anyway, if I make it through, I’ll let you know. 🤗 I hope I can, it’ll mean a LOT to me to have gotten good (and lucky, huh) enough to get through CE on all of the levels of difficulty, especially looking back on how much Easy kicked my behind the first time I played it, lol!

Wish me luck!

⬆ D’aww, the first screencap I took in CE when I originally played it back in June, 2022! I was SO LOST at that moment and couldn’t find where the prison cells were on Truth and Rec, lol! *nostalgia* 😂😉

Love and smiles to you all! 💖

UPDATE: I made it through Assault on the Control Room! I was able to do the bridge jump, which lets you bypass one of the rooms and having to come back along the second bridge and thankfully was able to hijack a Banshee on the snowy bridge and fly it right to that final hanger without having to fight my way down, then across and THEN back up all those levels of the pyramid-ish building where the hanger is on top. Then I just Banshee bombed everybody who ran out of the hanger and walked on in! I’m so excited, frens! This honestly means a lot to me. I know it’s just a game but it’s something I never thought I could play or at the least wouldn’t be able to play with any proficiency. And to be working my way through Legendary, even using skips and shortcuts and the like, it’s still HARD but I’m getting there and that just... It makes me happy, no matter how silly that is. 🤗🤗🤗

#halo #halo: combat evolved #i can't believe i'm trying for #legendary #ais is an amazing gamer /s #if it works i'll tell you one more trick and like i said if it works it's a LIFESAVER #it worked on heroic but legendary is its own beast after all #:S #ageless aislynn #this is my game tag

[starseneyes]

Can we see some of your acting work? I really think that would be enjoyable.--new reader who just started binging your discovery of a witch recaps

Hey there, Anon! A lot of my performing has been theater-based, so not a lot of videos of that. From Shakespeare to Musical Theater, I've done a lot of different things.

For over 20 years, I've been a Voice Over artist doing commercials, book readings, in-store announcements, and the likes. It's a lot of fun! A lot of voices. A lot of characters. A lot of accents.

I do have links to some of my old commercials and one Sesame Street book I read with half a dozen character voices that's on YouTube. But that's vocal-only.

The most recent thing I've done television-wise was that episode of WICKED ATTRACTION (Dial 123) that I mentioned shooting if you go back through the archives. Had the opportunity to play a femme fatale out of NOWHERE. I was brought in initially to be the silent friend for two scenes, but the day I arrived they recast me as the lead. I had only read the two scenes I was supposed to be in, so THAT was a quick ramp-up (and a lot of making out with guys and trying to learn their names before someone said "action"). There are a few places you can find it online, but not for free. I tried to link to Hulu, but it won't even allow THAT without a premium subscription, which I lack.

After that shoot, I ended up taking an acting break to battle infertility for many years (which required my life to revolve around the calendar of fertility and surgeries/procedures/medications/tests, etc). I realized if I couldn't trust a Chipotle lunch to last in the cast/crew freezer, I probably couldn't trust the shots, pills, and suppositories I needed to take would be safe there.

I now have three INCREDIBLE kids (all IUI babies), and last year we finally made the big move we've been trying to make since before the Pandemic. So, I'm at a point where I can hit "Play" again on performing.

In the meantime, I've done table reads for friends on Twitter who are screenwriters, and I've had a LOT of fun with that. It's been a great way to keep performing alive while the world's been on fire.

Writing friends found out I was an actress, and asked me if I wanted to get involved. I was able to get my feet wet with table reads—which are basically like self-tape auditions, but with more lag time because you actually have to wait for another person's internet connection to take your turn talking.

Now, Zoom has gotten a LOT better, but the pauses are still crushing, so be fair-warned should you choose to click through these (I've cued them up to where I come in).

The first one I ever did was for THE HARVESTING PART I and THE HARVESTING PART II as Kelly Ford. It was really funny because nobody told me she needed an English accent until I got to the first rehearsal, but I'd already sorted it from some of the dialogue. There were some really lovely moments in here, and it was my first introduction to doing this type of thing. It was an intense four hours, though.

Later, I had the chance to play Nikks, a fast-talking, gum-chewing, New Jersey-raised cop for my friend's modern-noir, ARBITRAGE. It was a LOT of fun playing an over-the-top character for that one. I remember at our first meeting, I gave him a taste of what I was thinking and asked him if it was too much. Turns out that was exactly what he wanted, and it was fun to go wild.

Then I had to pull it WAY back for another friend's THE ASPERN PAPERS. It was stylized dialogue, which is a lot of fun, but a more subdued character than any other Table Read I've done. Tina was my main role, and she was meant to be fairly expressionless for most of the script. I was in dual roles for that one, too, and it was a lot of fun flipping between them, one a little more boisterous and the other far more reserved.

I played several roles in THE PIRATE PRINCESS, including the Queen for the bulk of the show. But toward the beginning I played two small characters back to back (a teacher, and a young girl) and I HAD to work in a quick change. Can't take the theater girl out! The Queen I played with a Queen's English accent, which is always killer to nail, and a lot of fun. There's also a gravitas to the role—playing someone with far more life experience than I, while commanding the attention of a room. It was a joy. I had thought there was a video link available, but in compiling this list, I can't find it... I shall update this if I'm able to locate it later!

The craziest was when I served as Narrator for my friend's script THE GIRL SCOUT while I had a sore throat and running nose. The Director messaged me DURING the recording that she wanted me to stay on-camera the whole time. I hadn't told her that I was sick because I came down with a cold the day of the read and thought I'd have breaks for gulps of water and nose wipes during heavy dialogue... NOPE. It was a LOT of fun, but pretty dang crazy. You'd THINK it'd be boring as a Narrator, but the Director wanted me to set the pace and tone, and that was a blast.

All of those titles (save THE PIRATE PRINCESS) are links to the Table Reads if you REALLY want to see me act! There are some others that I've done, but it starts to get repetitive or they're HUGELY stylized characters with few lines (I played a re-animated, creepy doll in one, for example).

I will forever love acting. The past few years have been chaotic for us, so there's been no space for auditions and shows. But, that's all starting to change this summer, and I'm excited for the opportunities!

If you enjoy acting, Anon, then you know the fun of learning a character inside and out, finding what makes them tick, slipping that skin on over your own while finding the unexpected places where you and they might meet and coexist.

I do a lot of theater because that's what's available here in Virginia. There aren't a lot of film and television opportunities, but that's always been my favorite to perform.

I grew up on film sets, you see. My mother's a hair and makeup artist, and when I was so badly bullied I was falling apart, she would write a sick note and take me on set.

Growing up in Wilmington, NC, the business was all around us in the 80's and 90's. Simply put, being on set felt safe compared to being in school. It's a place where I come alive, and every time I have the chance to be on one, it's like coming home.

This is probably a FAR more long-winded answer than you expected, but if you're reading my DISCOVERY OF WITCHES blogs, then you know I can be verbose! I actually hadn't compiled these Table Reads all together, before, and forgot how much I was able to do in a short amount of time while we were moving and navigating the Pandemic.

Thanks for the ask. Thanks for reading! And thanks for taking me on a fun trip down memory lane tonight. Be well.

[spicywhumper]

@febuwhump 2024: day 06. "you lied to me"

series: war dog (crimson history) | rating: teen and up audiences | word count: 1,143

content warning: implied/mentioned stepcest & sex, emotional whump

Jennifer has tried to not be be jealous.

she remembers Mother telling her she'd marry Aunt Jocelyn – and it didn't take long for her to feel comfortable calling her Mom – and she had been excited. she was only seven, but she already adored Mom's four year-old. Jessie was the cutest baby, and Jocelyn always looked all proud and happy to see them playing.

by the time Jennifer was ten, Jessie already looked the same age as her. at twelve, outsiders would guess Jessie was the older kid. Jennifer was a little envy, but cuddles were great because Jessie could wrap around her easily and keep her all warm and safe.

jealousy started to show its ugly head when she was thirteen and Mother had said Jessie had the potential to be the greatest magician of their coven, therefore she needed to be trained by Joan herself. (in hindsight, Jennifer thinks nobody should start combat and heavy training at the tender age of ten, looking older than that or not). Mom clearly disliked it, she shifted more attention to Jennifer – but never neglecting Jessie when she had the opportunity to be around her daughter.

Jennifer thinks jealousy had sparked possessiveness in her, and when, one day, Jessie had come around to ask her about kissing, she gave in easily. she gave in knowing that there was no way it was right, but if this part of Jessie was hers, it'd be easier to deal with everything else. and it was, despite having a bunk bed, they slept together more often than not (even if Jennifer was waiting for... something, they never went further than wandering hands and humping like horny dogs).

it's jealousy that makes so angry when she accidentally finds the empty pill bottle. as sheltered as they living in the coven, Jennifer recognized birth control pills.

now she's in the first actual argument with Jessie. pissed off, upset, and hurt.

"you lied to me!" it's accusatory, and angry, irrationally so. "you said it was only me."

"it was at the time."

"at the time? you say it every time we do something."

"stop it, we're not supposed to exclusive or anything. we're stepsisters that kiss and play around. we never even had actual sex."

"because I wanted your first time to be special!"

she looks stricken for a moment before reverting to oddly empty, calm behavior: "well, too late for that."

"who?"

"not your business?"

"not my business?" she let anger take over. "or now you're such a slut that you don't even remember their name?"

"shut up."

"so you are a slut. should've known, considering who initiated this shit."

"you're jealous."

"am not."

"you're jealous and the idea that I might fuck other people makes you awful."

"you're on fucking birth control!"

"and that's my choice! because it's my body!"

"so you let anyone fill you up like a cheap slut?"

"at least I'm not a freak like you!"

Jennifer started the argument, escalated it, and that's just Jessie saying hurtful things because Jeniffer's saying hurtful things. but her brain isn't working very rationally at the thought of someone else touching her Jessie. moan their name and cling onto them like she does with Jennifer (even when she's doing nothing but let her thigh press against Jessie's sensitive area between her legs).

her hand closes in a fist and she swings.

she regrets immediately. and her knuckles hurt as if she just hit a brick wall. and Jessie's head doesn't move, she's as solid and still as a statue. and Jennifer isn't weak, she's half werewolf, the only person who defeats her in strength tests is Jessie.

for a second, Jennifer swears there's only deep, dark crimson in her eyes. Jessie growls, it's deep and angry, her canines never looked this sharp and lethal. her own breath hitches, so used to calm, quiet and tame Jessica that she forgets the girl has good fifteen centimeters and several kilograms of pure muscle on her. she forgets the girl is considered the strongest magician of the coven, with potential to become stronger as she matures.

she's reminded why they badmouth Jessica by calling her demon spawn in and the devil's child.

(it doesn't matter if they do know that falling all Spirits "demons" is a form of blasphemy. even if they. even if they know what Joselyn has risked to have her.)

it feels like the very non-human part of Jessie is considering how it'll torture then kill Jennifer. her tongue pokes her canines, licks her lips as her nostrils flare. like she's thinking of how tasty Jennifer could be and will pounce on her neck in the next twenty seconds.

"Jessie, I'm sorry-"

"you don't have the right to be jealous about everything!" she pushes her, way less harder than expected. digs her finger on her chest and she sounds accusatory in a way that's too fair for Jennifer to not understand she's being honest. "you're all jealous of Mother mentoring and training me, I don't want it! it's exhausting, it's painful, and pain doesn't make me stronger. you're jealous that I'm the strongest, that's Jocelyn's fault. if I wasn't, Joan wouldn't train me. you'd be in this place and I don't think you can handle it."

she snatches the empty pill bottle, Jennifer can only stare at her, wide eyes and impressed by the danger she represents. has her eyes always bad this red-ish tone underneath? has she always looked this intimidating, so, honest-to-god terrifying?

"I don't belong to you, I'm not your personal little whore. what if I go around sucking anyone else's cock? what if I'm riding random guys as if my life depends on that? you're not the master of me," she brands the bottle of pills. "shouldn't your possessive ass be glad that I'm making sure I'm not giving them the babies I can't give you? if you can't give me what I want, I'm a fucking sex demon, of course I was going to look for it somewhere else."

"I try to treat you good," she says through the hurt, she says through fear. "and you thank me by acting like a slut?"

"I'm a fucking sex demon."

"I know. I told you..."

"it was awful! it should have been with you, but it wasn't and it was awful and you know nothing. you know fucking nothing, so shut the fuck up before you make this even worse."

Jennifer doesn't have words for that.

silently, shaking, she watches Jessica turn on her heels and leave the room much more calmly than expected from the intensity of their arguments.

part of her hopes that it was a lie (but she knows it's not, whoever had the audacity of being Jessie's first, they die a worst job than Jessie would actually tell her.)

#febuwhump 2024 #febuwhumpday6 #whump #whump community #whump blog #whumpblr #lady whump #whump fic

[thelovedream]

SKIN FAVORITES (MAY - JULY 2023)

So this has definitely been a long time coming, but as promised: 

1. SUPPLEMENTS

Firstly, I want to talk about supplements & diet. Healthy skin starts with healthy insides, you literally do glow from within. So this should never be neglected, especially when you have reoccuring skin issues.

For some background on my skin history: I’ve struggled with acne ever since I was a teenager, finally got it under control in my early 20s when I found the right products. Unfortunately, my skin developed a sensitivity to the products I was using. I was forced to stop them, leaving me almost back to square one. After a while, I figured my acne had to be hormonal or the result of some deficiency. 

I started taking Vitamin D3 regularly and it helped a lot with the frequency of breakouts and severity of my periods.  In February, my hair dresser recommended that I take collagen for my skin and dry scalp. I also decided to take fish oil pills and probiotics. I saw a huge improvement in my skin within a month or so. (Also pretty helpful for hair growth too!)

I’ve since switched out my fish oil pills for cod liver oil pills because they have Vitamin A.

I also have been slowly but surely improving my diet eating more home cooked meals, more fruits, drinking more tea and water on top of becoming more active.

DISCLAIMER: I’m not a doctor, so please do consult your primary care physician before using any supplements. Supplementing the wrong thing can lead to more problems.

2. IDOLE EXFOLIATING SOAP AND TONING CREME

These products were recommended to me by my hairdresser. At first I was a bit skeptical because this brand is known for skin bleaching/lightening (which was not my goal). However, this particular soap and cream really did wonders for my skin by getting rid of dark marks and controlling breakouts. It did not lighten my skin at all. 

I used this quite a lot during May to the middle of June. I’ve since stopped using the soap, as I felt it dried out my face a little too much for my liking. I still use the creme nightly. 

Use: Every day

3. KIEHL’S ULTRA FACIAL CLEANSER AND MOISTURIZER

I picked up the travel sizes on a whim when I was headed back home from New York in June. I thank God, because it was one of the best skin decisions I’ve ever made. 

My skin was a little drier than usual because of the soap and the air in New York being drier than where I live, so I wanted something simple and not too stripping. I also wanted a moisturizer that would be light, but still hydrating.

This was the the perfect pick me up duo to replenish my skin. I also noticed even less breakouts, smaller looking pores and my dark marks fading much faster. This is likely due to the squalene in both the cleanser and the moisturizer.

I’ve purchased the full sized versions of both & plan on sticking with these for the foreseeable future.

Use: Every day

4. THE ORDINARY LACTIC ACID 10% + HYALURONIC ACID 2%

An oldie but goodie. I’ve been using this on and off for about a year, but it’s really become a staple in my routine since late May.

I would like to note that I’ve been using lactic acid (& other strong chemical exfoliants) for years now, so my skin is well able to handle this. If you’re just starting out I would recommend using the 5% version once a week, and building from there.

Use: 3 times a week

5. ST. IVES BLEMISH CONTROL APRICOT SCRUB

Is this a safe space? 🫣

I’ve been using this again at my hairdresser’s recommendation and...it’s actually not terrible?

My controversial opinion is that while chemical exfoliants are great: you do need a little physical exfoliant at least once a week. This does the job just fine for me. I don’t use too much or scrub too hard. To be honest, I see even better results with my skin using this and the lactic acid, versus the lactic acid alone.

Naturally, there are better options than the above for this purpose, but it’s been giving me no problems so I’ll keep using it.

Use: Once a week

6. FRESH SUGAR STRAWBERRY EXFOLIATING FACE WASH

Another recent impulse travel purchase I made while on my way back from London. (As you can tell, I have a lot of self control in duty free stores).

It’s definitely not as harsh as the St. Ives scrub and in fact is very gentle. But besides the sugar crystals, a few more ingredients in this cleanser caught my eye and have been doing my skin good:

• Strawberry extract - improves hydration, elasticity, brightens skin, rich in vitamin C and polyphenols.

• Black currant extract - rich in fatty acids and antioxidants that nourish and repair dry skin and has anti-inflammatory properties.

• Sapindus Mukorossi Peel (Indian Soapberry/ Washout) extract - tones skin, combats symptoms of skin fatigue while softening imperfections and moisturizing the skin.

After I wash my face with the Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cleanser, I massage this into my face/neck and let it sit for about 15-20 minutes while I shower and then rinse off. I’m not sure if letting this cleanser is doing anything extra, but my skin feels extra supple after and noticeably smoother in the morning.

Use: (Still determining) 2-3x a week, or whenever my skin is a little too dry

Daily Skincare Routine

AM:

[nothing, I only wash my face once a day at night. I’m still on the hunt for a good sunscreen]

PM:

CLEANSE:

1. Cleanse with Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Cleanser.

2. Massage Fresh Sugar Strawberry Exfoliating Face Wash into my skin and let sit for 15-20 minutes then rinse.*

EXFOLIATE:

3a. Exfoliate with St. Ives Fresh Skin Apricot Face Scrub.*

OR

3b. Apply The Ordinary Lactic Acid 10% + Hyaluronic Acid 2% to skin, avoiding eyes and mouth area.*

MOISTURIZE:

4. Apply Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Moisturizer.

5. Apply Idole Creme, avoiding eyes and mouth.

* = not applied daily, see above for use frequency.

3a and 3b are never done on the same day.

7. TOO FACED BORN THIS WAY MULTI-USE SCULPTING AND ETHEREAL LIGHT CONCEALERS

I recently upgraded my foundation and concealers, and I’ve been loving TOO FACED. I’m using their Born This Way Multi-Use Sculpting concealer as my foundation. I find that I prefer the lighter and fuller coverage concealers and foundation sticks offer me over foundation. The color match has also been perfect for me.

Their Ethereal Light concealers layer perfectly with my base and I have absolutely no complaints. 

I’ve been using these almost every day for two months and loving it.

-------------

That’s all from me! I hope it was helpful and let me know if you try anything I recommended.

- thelovedream💕

P.S. I rarely do skin favorites because I like to try my products for a few months to be sure they work and that I love them. Then when I’m sure I love them, I don’t switch things up lol.

Useful Links:

Previous skincare favorites

DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE IMAGES BELONG TO ME.

#thelovedream #thedreamreviews #May - Jul skin favorites #Kiehls #Idole #collagen #vitamin d3 #TOO FACED #the ordinary #st. ives #fish oil #cod liver oil #probiotics #born this way concealer #vitamins #healthy skin #healthy body

[dzpenumbra]

1/7/23

I had a lot of positive things I was carrying into today. I had momentum. I had motivation. I had confidence. Even despite being woken up like 4 times by my upstairs neighbors. I got up, I stopped myself from "helping" some local person realize that their crusade against the entire Goodwill chain was really because they were upset that the branch manager was rude to them when they denied their donations a week after new years, at the busiest and most stressful time of year. I didn't comment, I walked away. I was better for it.

I did my yoga. Brutal. I felt weak. I was weak. I fell over. I shook. I felt faint. But I made it through it. And I reminded myself that I've done 30 day challenges like this every year since the pandemic started, and every year I complete them. This will be no exception. Day 5, done.

I showered. I listened to an album that I haven't had good associations with since college. That two broken, damaged, unfair relationships ruined for me. And I vowed to reclaim that album. Its beauty should not belong to pain alone. It deserves to be appreciated, not feared. And I made it through the whole thing.

I got my TV. I paid 50 bucks for some woman to drive the thing 8 minutes to my door and have me take it out of her fucking car because she "dislocated her shoulder". The frustration of this didn't really hit until the walk back to the apartment. I was fucking awake anyway. I was up and moving anyway. I was just so fucking frustrated with myself. All because of this stupid trauma and anxiety shit swarming around me because I have a fucking wolf at the door every goddamn day. And I'm baiting the fucker to my door. And I answer the fucking door like almost every goddamn day. Like an idiot. I'll clarify in a second.

I sorted boxes. Finally. I took my momentum from getting my TV and transmuted it into sorting my recycling, breaking down boxes and organizing. The plan being, when the TV was done, I could break down that box too. Then I can load all the boxes into the cart and bring them up to the recycling and get it over with. Keep the ball rolling, always keep the ball rolling. Thats my strat, it's literally the only way I get shit done. What happened, you ask? Oh, I'll get there, don't worry. Don't wanna glaze over this bittersweet gem.

I got two simultaneous texts when I was in the shower. Surprising, because I never get texts. I mean that. I never get texts. So I heard the sound and I legit assumed it was part of the music. One was my mom, asking if I needed any support today. The other was my sister in law. My sister in law was letting me know that she and my brother and nephew (who I haven't even met yet, he's getting pretty close to a year old now) were nearby and wanted to see if it was cool if they dropped by. My place is an absolute warzone. It makes me wonder if they've ever really... even seen what any of my houses look like. I honestly don't think they have. I mean, the entire perimeter of my main room is packed cardboard boxes full of my possessions. I have barely any furniture. I look like I moved in yesterday. It's been over a month. It's humiliating. And it's really not kid-safe. And the worst part, it's 100% a mental health thing. And I really shouldn't have to explain myself. But if I don't it is kinda unfair to other people to blindside them with this when they show up.

I let my sister in law know that my place was a mess and... well... my confidence was high so I said if they wanted to they could feel welcome to drop by. I'd swallow that pill for the chance to finally meet my nephew. Here's the part that I didn't really process, that I'm just processing now. They were in town meeting a potential babysitter. You know, looking for child care. While I'm 20 minutes away, unemployed, have trouble leaving my house and I haven't even met my nephew yet. And I have several months experience babysitting my "former godchild" at the exact same age. And I'm just... not considered. Again, I would wager because of mental health. Or just... not getting to know me. No clue. Fucking odd that I'm not even considered for dogsitting, I just lost my fucking dog 6 months ago and it doesn't even pop into their heads that maybe I might miss it a bit? That maybe 10 years of experience raising the same breed of dog alone might be enough to qualify me? And maybe I could use some cash? Because I'm technically unemployed and I have no income? Like... I'm not kidding... it's really fucking weird that the babysitting thing... I used to get my goddaughter to nap and keep myself entertained, our compromise, was to put on Twilight Zone, the original series. She'd conk right out and I'd have something cool to watch. And now, this shit just feels like I'm straight up in an episode of it. I mean that genuinely, it's a big part of why I can't even smoke weed right now. Because I start to feel like I'm actually in some kind of fantasy series or something, that this is fiction, that some trickster god is fucking with me, or aliens or interdimensional beings or something. Because how could this be fucking real life?!

Glad I missed that (sarcasm), because besides overcoming the yoga obstacle... that was the best thing that happened today. I started setting up the TV and I was concerned about putting it on my glass-top coffee table. I called my mom to get her opinion. It started okay. Then I started setting up the TV. The setup stuff was kinda in broken english, which is always... it kinda feels like a bad sign? Like maybe corners were cut? You know? And a little anxiety about that whole "maybe this is was a bad investment, maybe i picked the wrong TV" came up. But I squelched it pretty quick. Then it came time to get my TV connected to the wireless router. And guess who hasn't entered his wireless password in... oh god... over 2 years? Because my PC and Xbox were hardwired and my phone/laptop just autosaved. Guess. It was me. I forgot my wifi password. But hey, check it out, Xfinity is super convenient, right? I remembered that their app lets you just pull up the app on your phone and hit a button and you can get right into your router, don't even have to do any of that admin browser entry shit. So I pop open the app and log in. 2-factor hits me, of course. Then I'm in and my fucking account says "INACTIVE". Yep. And the address is my old address. Yep.

So I try to get my mom to get into her account, in case... for some mysterious reason... it was set up in her name. She forgot her password. She tried to get me to give her my login and my password, for some reason. After like 10 minutes, I made it pretty fucking clear that I really do not feel comfortable reading out my login and my password out loud with paper-thin walls in my apartment building. It just started off with that goddamn tone where it was like... she was just doing whatever the fuck she wanted and she "knew best". Like what the fuck do you even need my password for? I'm literally logged in right now. You need YOUR password. Can you tell I'm angry? Well stuffing that down and repressing it for 3 fucking hours of pulling teeth will do that. Every time I asked for something, every time I asked a question, just fucking goddamn stonewalled. Like, I shit you not, I asked 4 consecutive questions and she flat-out acted as though the Men in fucking Black came in and neurolyzed her. Like I never even spoke words. I had to check to make sure I wasn't muted. But she was straight up fucking ignoring me and dodging. And I'd bring attention to it. "Hey, I've asked you a like 3 questions now and you haven't answered, can I get that information please?" and just... deflection. Dodging.

So why the fuck did I stick around this? Why was my hand glued to the goddamn lit stove? Because I do not have access to my own internet account. If anything goes wrong with it, I'm fucked. I don't have the password, it's not in my name, if I call support I strongly doubt they'd give me access without confirmation from the account holder. Because she owns that part of my life. And this has been done "for my convenience" for almost 2 decades. I got my rent out from her control. I got a few other things out too. But my internet is apparently in her name. And my insurance. And my car insurance. And my car itself. Which is why my car has been sitting idle in a dealership lot not being repaired, they haven't even ordered the parts. And they haven't even spoken to me. Because her name is on the fucking car. I'm 30 goddamn 6. I didn't choose this. I've literally known no other way. This is how things have always been. I mean that. I had no idea this wasn't normal until really recently. And I really feel like I'm in some kind of Britney Spears conservatorship or something, I don't know. It scares me, because I endured some really fucking abusive shit tonight. Like having the 3 hour dragging feet, power struggle, making shit difficult bullshit being blamed on me because I have memory problems. That I literally can't do anything about. That hurt me more than anyone else. I actually have to leave notes around the house for myself to remember to get basic things done. It's not an easy life when you live fucking alone. Shit falls through the cracks every goddamn day, every hour, it feels like.

I had to hang up again. I was very clear dozens of times that what was happening was not okay, and that it's a repeat of the same fucking problem over and over, and I was just told over and over that I brought it on myself. That it was warranted because she was simply "defending herself". And she wasn't even trying to control herself. Not even attempting. She was just... right. And I was wrong, and "aggressive" (not stressed, not frustrated, not having his problem be taken over by a geriatric woman who was not welcomed and asked several times to stop, "aggressive"), because that justifies her anticipatory "defense".

I get stressed with a problem. The "supporting" person misreads my stress as aggression towards them. The "supporting" person does not verify this assumption, but acts on it by "defending" aka retaliating. I get my ass beat by my "support" for being legitimately stressed out about a real problem I'm having. Totally healthy.

Now I guarantee that at least 2 of my neighbors heard my side of the argument. Oh fuck, I almost forgot the best part! Oh so my dad decides to barge into her room and just start talking to her when she was on the phone, and I asked her to relay a message to him and guess what? He fucking responded. Because I was on goddamn speakerphone the whole time. Yep. So next time, I'm super tempted to put her on speakerphone so that my neighbors can witness the entire reality show. Not just think I'm a complete asshole. Like I just fucking moved in and already it's like... fuck. AAAGHGHHHH.

My depression was at an all time high before this. It's been escalating super rapidly. I've been very open about this. And this is the second brutal beating in 3 days. I had one day of recovery. ONE GODDAMN DAY. And now. I feel like I've been up for a week straight. I've gotten one good night's rest in 2 fucking weeks. I feel like Christian Bale in The Machinist. I mean that. The skin on my face feels... tight and clammy. My cheeks feel sunken. My posture is like bullets are flying over my head at all times. I have bags under my eyes. I am constantly tense and in pain at all times.

So I reached out at 11PM, I called. Stupid, but I wanted to communicate clearly. I left a message. "Congratulations, you broke me. I need a list of all of my accounts that are in your name by 4PM tomorrow." I can't be the monk anymore. I'm too weak. I'm not going to lash out. I'm not going to explode. But I'm not hiding the fucking truth anymore. My will was broken today. Over a fucking wifi password. OVER A FUCKING WIFI PASSWORD. AND THE PASSWORD WAS FUCKING PASSWORD, OKAY?!?! AAGGGHHH. I am fucking human just like all of you, I have feelings too, very very strong ones. And this is the extent of how much I'm willing to express this one. Suffering and anger swirling together because my ability to live my life is being blockaded by a control freak who constantly shames me for not "being independent". I'm broken. And having a moment of weakness. But even in that moment, I have the clarity to know exactly what I need to fucking do. I need to be free. I. Need. To. Be. Free.

No more punishment because I didn't phrase things the way they wanted. No more looming threats. No more dangling friendship, bonding, affection, and social support... and making me pay prices like this and come out with less than I started. No more weaponizing my own mental health struggles against me. The only reason I dealt with this today was because that account is not in my name, I cannot legally access it and I don't even know where to start with getting legal counsel. I even tried to get the account changed to my phone number so I can change the billing info myself and access the router, talked to some dude in fucking India to get it set up and they didn't do it. I've already had my power, heat and cable shut off from missed bill payments and shit at my old place because of this "help" and "support" I'm getting. Just because I've never done this before and I have executive functioning struggles doesn't mean this is a guaranteed failure if I take these responsibilities on. It's scary as fuck to take on so much shit I've never done when I'm like... on the edge and super overwhelmed already, but I have to. Because paying this price?! Paying this price, I'm gonna be dead before I hit 50.

I'm not even leaving the house! The primate graphic novel idea was a great inspiration, but also a really great therapeutic tool, and I had a vision come to me yesterday of primate Me cowering inside the door and a bunch of gigantic beasts gnashing their teeth outside. Guess what? They ain't outside. They're in my phone. They're in my eardrums. They're crawling into my mind. Almost every single day. I can lock my doors, I can barricade the windows. And they still get in. Because I welcome them in. Because I, from the bottom of my soul, with every ounce of optimism I have, try to keep faith that people are redeemable. That they can change. And I give so fucking much of myself, my entire life, to support that effort. And I just get shit on for it.

So, fuck it. I gave it 3 years of trying. GG. Call me when you find God.

I found myself having a very dark thought earlier, and I want to be completely honest about it so I can not just shrug it off. So I can process it and move forward with it in mind. My cat is going to be 17 in about 2 months. She has osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and kidney disease. She's a scrappy motherfucker, she always has been, but I'm afraid she may not have much time left. My dog is already dead, she died in July. I have no friends. You know what they say, "you can tell who your real friends are when the chips are down"? Yeah. Sad, but true. I have no family. Not really. My father was never a father. My brother flipped out on me because I asked him if he wanted to make music with me, and if he wanted a free art lesson while my landlords came over to inspect my house, to get my mind off shit, to distract me. My other brother hasn't had a real conversation with me since early high school, and communicates with me extremely rarely through his extroverted wife. That's all I got folks. So... my cat is really all I have left. Because I have to really strongly consider that my mom cannot actually stop herself from crippling me.

So what happens when my cat dies? All I will have is my art, my writing and my music. And without financial support from my parents, I'm pretty damn sure that's going down the drain too. No way I'm paying these bills on that kind of salary. So... yeah. That might be curtains. I mean. What kind of life is it really if I can't be myself? If I can't fulfill my purpose? How is that living? In this life, yes, I suffer greatly. Regularly. Likely shaving years off of my life. But at least I get to pursue my passions. When I'm not just perpetually recovering from the last brutal emotional beating. With the world the way it is now, with no connections in any field, not even any contacts... I don't see it happening. I see myself working somewhere, anywhere that I can. Just to get money. Just to keep food in the cupboards that are already bare. Just to keep a roof over my head. I will not be living. I will be surviving. And I honestly don't really know if that's a life I want to live, to be honest. I can't live a fulfilling life, I cannot fulfill my life's purpose, if I am merely surviving. The gifts that I have can not function when I am in survival mode. Ask Rimworld, they added it as an an actual game mechanic. Inspiration comes when good mood is sustained. Mental break comes when bad mood is sustained. Two sides of the same coin. I will be reduced to a miserable laborer, grinding the days away until I find the sweet release of death. And that's not a life, that's not living. So, I'm keeping that in mind.

This is insanely dark. I want to apologize, I feel compelled to. But I'm tired of apologizing for my own pain. I just need to get my pain out a bit, because I currently don't have any other coping mechanisms besides distraction and yoga, and I'm sore. Weed will make this worse, I've thought it over a dozen times and I really believe that right now. Drinking is not available, but I'm starting to strongly consider it. Prescriptions are not a thing for at least a month. Cigarettes have been dangling in my peripheral view for days now, I can hear their siren's song every day. "We can solve all your problems, my dear." For a price.

So, this is where my stress has to go.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can sleep. It's 3:30 again, I'm exhausted, but I'm fucking terrified. And just... wounded.

But hey. At least I broke down some of those pesky cardboard boxes, huh? I'm sure cleaning my house will make shit right as fucking rain.

I've tried so hard to be a beam of pure light for as many others around me as I can be. And that light is a barely flickering ember right now. Even Jedi have their limits.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[raspberryyarn246]

MHA x Haikyuu Fanfiction: Fairy Tale Fables Red Riding Hood page 7: The Rescue of Red’s grandmother

Inside of the wolf’s stomach the woodsmen drive safely across the horizon. He saw Red Riding Hood’s grandmother stuck in the middle of nowhere. “Helloo... is anyone here,” her grandmother asked. “Ahoy there. ma’am it looks like you need some help here.” said the woodsmen. He grabs the lifeguard swim floatie to hold on Red’s grandmother. “Thank you, kind sir you are, a good Samaritan.” said grandmother “Why thank you.” the woodsmen blushed. “Anyway, have you seen your granddaughter around?” the woodsmen asked. “Oh dear! That dreadful mogul ate my poor granddaughter, but I have been keeping away from that wolf for several days and weeks, without being eaten alive. That’s why I wanted to visit my granddaughter for a long time since she was a little girl.” said grandmother, rubbing her glasses to make it clear. *Growwwwwwwlllll.....*

Meanwhile out of the fake grandmother. “Oh, my stomach is bothering meee...” The hungry wolf groans with a bellyache and couldn’t move a muscle. He tried using the restroom, but nothing happened he take pain pills with some water, and it help very decent. Then he went back to bed.

Later...

“Red, Red Riding Hood, where are you?” the woodsmen said, looking on the map. “Oh, I hope my granddaughter isn’t near the stomach; she’ll die.” her grandmother said, worried. “Don’t worry, I hope your granddaughter is safe but trust me her parents know that she’s visiting.” he said. 

Meanwhile at Red Riding Hood’s house...

“Hmm, I wonder my Red is doing well at her grandmother’s house, I should call her on my telephone.” said Uwabami ( Red’s Mother). As she begins holding the telephone to call... As she waited patiently to hold the phone to her. 

“Your call has been delayed, please leave the message until the voicemail... Hi Mom, It’s Red Riding Hood leave the message and I will call you right back.” said the voicemail of Red Riding Hood.

“Hello Red, it’s your mother to let you know how things are good at your grandmother’s house, we can tell how well your day is, leave the messge and I’ll call you right back” said Red’s mother. Red’s mother leaves the message on her telephone.

*Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring*

“Hello, is someone there?” Red’s mother answer the phone.

“Ooh, I see you have answer the phone. You have a nice sexy voice...” the wolf said it in a sophisticated tone.

(°ロ°)

To be continued on page 8...

#mha headcanons #mha #mha momo #mha fanfiction #mha fanfic idea #haikyuu #haikyuu fanfiction #red riding hood #fairy tale fables #fairy tale vibes #haikyuu headcanons #kuroo x female reader #kuroo headcanons

[linkinevents]

What Is Pre Workout and also Should You Be Using It?

What Is Pre Workout and also Should You Be Using It? You can't anticipate to show up to every exercise feeling 100%. Occasionally, you'll go to the health club sensation tired, sluggish and also unmotivated, and if that appears familiar, finding the best pre exercise might be all that's required to alleviate your training lull. Don't rely on the power of pre workout? Well, a study published in the Journal of the International Culture of Sports Nourishment reported that integrating pre workout with HIIT exercises caused substantial increases in VO2 max, training volume as well as lean body mass while also accelerating the rate at which moderately trained leisure athletes lost body fat. Still, if you decide to participate the pre workout action on your own, you'll wish to know exactly how to do it securely and wisely. That's why we have actually produced a one-stop guide to the very best pre exercise supplements that includes every little thing from a specialist sports nutritional expert's viewpoint to the advantages and disadvantages of supplementing your nourishment with lifters' favourite pick-me-up. You'll additionally discover an overview to the products that can offer you an all-natural pre workout increase along with the very best pre workout supplements cash can buy, as checked by the Men's Health Laboratory. Consider this article your pre exercise. What Does Pre exercise Do? If you don't fuel yourself correctly prior to workouts or tough workouts, you'll be less energised, weaker and also will certainly exhaustion faster than normal. That's a reality. Pre exercise is made to aid combat this, to aid you maintain going harder and for longer. So while the supplement can be taken in a selection of formats-- from dishes to drinks to pills as well as more-- they're all created to enhance energy degrees and also rise focus. For lots of, pre exercise supplements are generally blended with a drink as well as taken around thirty minutes prior to the start of a workout. That's because, by supplying your body with additional carbohydrates, the glucose in the pre exercise assists elevate blood sugar levels and also supply added energy during a workout. Basically, they're much more energising than a banana, shot of espresso or a black coffee.

What's in My Pre exercise as well as Is It Safe?

  As a pre exercise is made to help you travel via a particularly tough workout, it shouldn't be a shock to discover that they supply your system with sugar, high levels of caffeine and various other energy-boosting energizers. But it pays to review the ingredients label before you invest in a fresh pot of pre exercise. High levels of caffeine is the crucial active ingredient to watch out for as the content can vary from mild to means way too much, as well as in extreme cases, high degrees of caffeine can trigger some rather severe wellness problems like stress and anxiety, sleeplessness and also hypertension. For a lot of males, nevertheless, pre workout is a secure supplement to take, however, even at the safe end of the spectrum, its adverse effects can still create jitters, itching and cut off rest, which are safe however still awkward. Our guidance: if you're new to pre workout, choose half dosages to begin with and see exactly how your body reacts. What Pre exercise Components Should I Watch out For? Creatine Monohydrate: A preferred supplement among gym-goers, creatine is consisted of in several pre exercises as a result of its potential to boost muscle power as well as efficiency during training. BCAAs: Branch chain amino acids have actually been found to boost endurance during a workout as well as increase stamina by keeping cellular power as well as sustaining protein synthesis. Taurine: Established in various animal meats, taurine is a sulfonic acid that adds to the metabolism of fats and also battles oxidative stress and anxiety during workouts. B-vitamins: Vitamins B1, B2 B5, and B6 all play vital roles in power production and also effectiveness, while Vitamin B12 supports blood manufacturing as well as Vitamin B3 boosts DNA repair and also promote much healthier skin. NO2-boosters (ex-spouse. Arginine, Citrulline): Arginine, for example, is a nitrogen dioxide booster and also an amino acid that works as a 'vasodilator'. Essentially, arginine (and also various other similar nitrogen dioxide supplements) increase your capillaries as well as arteries, making it much easier for blood to stream around your body, supplying nutrients quicker as well as extra effectively. What Pre exercise Active ingredients Should I Stay clear of? Study released in Food as well as Chemical Toxicology pointed out that 400mg of caffeine a day is the upper limit for grownups. What does this mean to you? One mug of instantaneous coffee includes 60-80mg of caffeine, however highstreet level whites consist of anything between 65mg (Pret-a-Manger) and 160mg at Starbucks. Some pre workout brand names spill over the recommended day-to-day dose. ProSupps Mr Hyde NitroX pre-workout, as an example, residences an awkward 410mg of high levels of caffeine in a 7.5 g inside story. As sports nutritional expert Matt Lovell mentions, there are most definitely some pre exercise items that you need to proactively stay clear of. "I would certainly say any rate relatives, amphetamine relatives. Some pre workouts essentially consist of euphoria. Or near to it," he claims. Is Pre workout Dangerous? Broadly speaking, pre exercise supplements-- like the items we've listed here-- are risk-free to take on a routine basis when following the maker's directions. Obviously, when it comes to consuming caffeine, we all have different limits as well as, with some brand names tipping over a reasonable limitation of caffeine web content, it can become a dangerous video game. Research study released in the Food and also Chemical Toxicology journal mentions that 400mg a day-- that's around 2 to 3 cups of coffee-- as the upper limits for adults, so be sure to examine the per-serving caffeine web content of your picked pre workout during your following supplement top-up.

How Long Does Pre workout Require to Begin?

  When you begin your exercise, you wish to hit the ground running. You don't intend to be lingering for your pre exercise to kick in, so it pays to discover the wonderful area to take it. For the majority of people, the suitable time to take you pre exercise is around half an hour to one hour prior to your workout-- this must offer the supplement adequate time to strike your blood stream as well as amp you up ahead of your session. Something to consider, nonetheless, is the 'half life' of high levels of caffeine. Usually, high levels of caffeine has a half-life of around three to 7 hrs after intake. If you're made use of to training in the evenings, you want to take half the advised dosage or swap it out for a pre exercise alternative. We've detailed a few listed below.

When Should I Take Pre workout?

  The all important question: if you're going to enhance your efficiency with pre exercise, when is the optimal time to take it? Well, like we have actually discussed, most people take pre exercise around 30 minutes to one hour prior to they exercise, yet just because it's called pre exercise that doesn't necessarily suggest you need to take it prior t your workout. "For longer sessions," claims Lovell, "you could delay till an hour into the session." Always refer to the tag of your pre workout for specifics.

Should I Take Pre Exercise Every Day?

  If you continue to take preworkout on a regular basis, your body can accumulate a resistance to its effects, which is why Lovell encourages biking the supplement, or coming off it for 6 to eight weeks at once to provide your body a chance to reset. "Biking is the means forwards," he claims. "Additionally get some stimulant-free ones you can use most days or just some plain old tyrosine which is a great budget pre workout."

Can I Use Coffee as a Pre Exercise?

  As we have actually discussed, coffee and pre exercise share a common main ingredient-- caffeine. Discovered to have an effect on improving athletic efficiency, coffee additionally does not have the ingredients and added active ingredients that other pre workout supplements might have. Research studies have actually revealed that caffeine concentration comes to a head at concerning 45 mins after ingestion, with impacts decreasing after that. Basically-- yes, you can utilize coffee as a pre exercise. Read the full article

#PreWorkout

[transmasc-malleus]

I’m gonna. Strangle whoever made me afab. Your days are fuckin numbered.

#blood mention #in tags #just waking up with cramps after only 2 hours of sleep #and then having to cleanup a ton of blood before 11am for the 3rd time in three days #just period things 🤪 fuckin kill me #the amount I’m bleeding....while on a pill that’s supposed to stop your period completely. hrm #it’s as if I went off the pill and just started bleeding like I normally do #I say that as if my level of bleeding and clotting is normal at all #I should see if it’s safe to keep taking my pill if I have severe clotting #speaking in runes

[allthecanadianpolitics]

so everyone talks about canada's medical system like The Ideal bc we're right next to the usa which is obviously hell. but god, i'm so tired of trying to survive it. so this one goes out to all the politically-active canadians, because today my local pharmacist informed me that at their discretion they could and did choose to refuse me an emergency refill on my progestin meds, which i need to prevent severe period pain (in addition to my also severe chronic pain, which had me in several different hospitals for over a year only to come out of it with a diagnosis of f*kin IBS. pretty sure ibs doesn't typically put you in a wheelchair but whatever, the antispasmodics help a little so i'll take it if the alternative is to wake up from surgery again with a handwritten three-line note beside me saying "we didn't find anything wrong" and the surgeon gone home for the night, leaving me to the tender mercies of google to tell me what to expect during my recovery). anyway this is a long way to go about saying:

prescriptions should not (ever) be a prerequisite to acquiring medication. prescriptions can be a prerequisite to acquiring medication for free, if they have to exist at all; but all meds - including "habit-forming" ones - should be available for anyone to purchase. It is a violation of my bodily autonomy to demand a signed doctor's note for legitimate medication i need to function (which is typically arbitrarily selected for restriction anyway; birth control pills are regulated but cold medicine isn't even "over the counter." And don't come at me with the "people might misuse it and hurt themselves" argument. you don't need a prescription to buy a knife. it is not about safety).

doctors have routinely prescribed me pain meds that have dangerous potential to interact with my antidepressants, and almost always fail to accurately inform me of the effects and risks of each prescription. the only thing keeping me safe is my own ability to research the fuck out of everything, and doctors - with all their Endless Expertise - have failed to assist me in that research more often than they've provided ANY aid. in fact, according to the records i've been obsessively keeping since the start of my personal ordeal, the amount of times doctors have actively damaged (or attempted to damage) my health outnumbers the times they've done anything to heal me by about a factor of three.

doctors don't know enough to be qualified to write prescriptions.

and even if they did, they still shouldn't have the right to deny me access to medication i've researched the fuck out of and been on for months or years. i shouldn't have to do all my own research, but since i do, i should at least get back, in exchange, my bodily autonomy from the so-called experts. I should have the right to decide what i put in my body. Especially because i already have the responsibility of educating myself about it.

I should have the right to choose. Not the pharmacist who lied about checking my records. Not the doctor who told me i needed to see a gynecologist to even consider taking birth control pills. Not the ER physician who tried to refuse me painkillers when i was literally immobile with agony, because he thought i should try taking an Advil first.

I should have the right to choose.

I'm too tired to fight for it now. Would someone please fight for me?

#submission #medical abuse tw #medical neglect tw

[strawberry-lemonade-kisses]

Family Ties

Recovery was a long and tiring process. Kyojuro always struggled with it, having to rest and take the time to heal properly instead of helping with anything and everything he could. Shinobu had scolded him endlessly on why he couldn’t be messing around and trying to sneak out with his injuries, they were too severe for him to be acting like a child. He couldn’t help it though, his family was at home waiting for him. His beautiful baby girl and her adorable face, those tiny fingers and hands, the small tufts of blonde hair that she had. He only got to hold her once before Shinobu had him taken to the butterfly estate. He felt restless, knowing he couldn’t see his wife in her motherly glow, a glow that he only got to hold onto for a few minutes. It had been a full week since he was brought to the butterfly estate, confined to one of the rooms designated for the hashira, away from the chaos and yelling the rest of the estate contained.

“Rengoku, time for painkillers!” Shinobu fluttered into the room, a small packet of pills in one hand and a letter in the other. “Another love letter, I may have to start charging delivery between you two!” she flashed a smile, setting down the pills and handing Rengoku the letter. He tore it open quickly, not trying to save the envelope as he read over the letter his wife had penned.

My flame,

Hinata and I both miss you very much, her big eyes are always looking for something, I think it’s you. Shinobu says tomorrow if you keep behaving we can start visiting you. For the first time ever my flame, please relax. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out not seeing you. It’s cold at night, I find myself missing your company, your warm hands that are always wandering, holding onto me. Your chest, so warm and firm, I miss laying on it, listening to your heart. I miss hearing your voice, always so loud but so quiet when you only want me to hear what you are saying. It makes me feel so special. Hinata is the only one keeping me sane. She looks so much like you it's almost scary, but I won't lie. Nothing compares to you. I miss you. It's harder knowing you are so close but I can't see you or hear you, I can't even hold you. Please relax so I can come to see you, my love.

I love you to the sun and back,

Your flower

“Let me check your bandages and then I will let you know if they can come tomorrow” Kyojuro jumped at the sudden closeness of the insect Hashira, not quite used to the lack of peripherals on his left side. Setting the letter on the nightstand he scooted towards the edge of the large four-poster bed he had been resting in. Sitting as straight as he could without feeling pain, he raised his arms slightly, letting Shinobu unravel the bandages around his stomach. The wound had hindered most of his movements for the first few days in the estate but he had been getting better, small walks and even sitting in a chair had helped him regain some of that feeling of normal, even through the haze of the painkillers. He had decided not to bother struggling with a shirt, knowing it was too painful to go through the hassle when Shinobu came in every few hours to check the bandages. She mumbled small apologies as she unraveled the tape and gauze directly on the wound, trying to drown out the hisses of pain from Kyojuro.

"The staples are holding well, no tearing, no bleeding or abnormal discharge. You are healing as well as you could Kyojuro. I think it's safe to say you can see Y/N and Hinata tomorrow. But I will warn you now and later, Kyojuro. Do. Not. Exert. Yourself. I know you are excited and restless to spend time with your family and your new baby but if you hold her for too long and strain yourself I don't know if I have the knowledge to save you. You are lucky to be here now" Kyojuro understood her warning. He was beyond grateful to work alongside such a skilled and intelligent woman. The people she had trained to deal with life-threatening and fatal wounds like the one on his stomach have led to many lives saved that should have been lost, including his. He owed his life to her. He made a noise of agreement, trying not to move much while she laid a fresh bandage on the fist-sized wound his stomach sported. She was careful as she wrapped the gauze on his stomach, holding his bandage in place and stabilizing his torso so the quilts he was rolling around in didn't scratch him or remove his bandage.

"Tanjiro, inosuke, and Zenitsu have been asking about you. Do you think you feel well enough to see them?" Kyojuro perked up at the mention of the young slayers, their intervention of his fight with the upper 3 was another reason he was alive. He went straight to his estate after the battle, asking the Kakushi to assist him home once they stabilized him, not taking no for an answer. They only agreed once he tried crawling away from them, not bothering to listen. He didn't even explain his eagerness to get home so they deserve answers.

"Yes, is that their names? I would very much like to speak with them. Could they visit?" Shinobu chuckled at the excitement Kyojuro radiated as she threw the dirty bandages into the waste bin before turning back to the flame hashira.

"I'll have aoi bring them. She'll be coming soon with your tea and sweet potatoes. I don't know how you talked her into making your favorite snacks all the time but I think you may be her new favorite." With a smile she bowed, fluttering back out of the room as quick as she arrived.

Morning couldn’t come soon enough, having spent the rest of the afternoon focusing on what he wanted to do while he had the time with his wife and daughter, Kyojuro was distracted. The anticipation had made it hard for him to sleep, thoughts hounded by the idea of finally being able to hold the two most important people in his life. He was feeling strong enough to hold his daughter for more than a few minutes, he had willed his muscles to get better, trying to lift more and hold them for longer amounts of time. Just enough so Shinobu wouldn't yell at him and he could hold his baby girl. He couldn't hold back from the fact he missed his wife as well though, He had been away for a whole month, missing the final month of her pregnancy. When he received the letter from Shinobu, urgently written to tell of his wife giving birth, his heart sank, knowing he wasn’t any closer to going home. Now home had been within reach, and he couldn’t wait to close his fist around it and never let it go.

Kyojuro had adjusted the collar of his shirt for what seemed like the hundredth time, even though the shirt laid almost fully open, tucked into his hakama pants. He felt anxious at the arrival of his wife and daughter, ready to see them and spend all the time he could with them, but also, what if he messed up? This was only the second time he got to see his daughter, what if she didn’t like him or didn’t want to be held by him. His lack of full strength and the pain in his abdomen may be a hindrance to his quality time with his family. His thoughts were everywhere as he fiddled with his shirt and his hair, constantly adjusting everything, it had to be perfect for them. The door opening behind him pulled him from his downward spiral. Looking towards the door Kyojuro met the eyes of the person he had been missing, her reflection staring back at him through the mirror. Her yellow Kimono had been covered with one of his spare Haori, wrapped tightly over the sling on her chest, a gurgling baby nestled into her.

“Hi Handsome” She walked up to him, moving to stand in front of him as he turned to her. She stopped, eyes running over his face, the eyepatch he had been gifted from Shinobu, to cover his injury while it finished healing. The bruises on his temple had almost healed fully, and he was moving. It felt like she could breathe again, finally seeing with her own eyes that he was doing better. She trusted Shinobu with her life, but she felt so anxious not knowing exactly how Kyojuro was doing. He smiled down at her, His hands immediately finding their way to her hips, pulling her into his embrace. Tucking his head into her neck he breathed in, eliciting a giggle from the woman as she wiggled in his grasp. “You're tickling me, Kyo.” He chuckled, the rumble in his chest shaking their daughter who had begun to fuss, the squeals of joy quickly turning to sorrow. Kyojuro jumped away from his wife, her attention turning to their daughter as he looked on. Pulling her from the sling she had she cooed at her baby, softly bouncing her as she sobbed into her shoulder.

“Kyo” She looked at him as she moved to the edge of the bed, sitting down as she patted Hinata’s back. Kyojuro followed her, slowly seating himself next to his wife. He moved as carefully as he could, looking at his crying daughter's face as she wailed into her mother’s shoulder.

“Can I?” He hesitantly reached for Hinata, eyes looking at his wife for permission. With a smile on her face, she lifted Hinata, Allowing Kyokjuro to wrap his hands around her small body, cradling her in his arms so she was on her back.

“Hinata, My beautiful sun child. I’m sorry I shook you like that, Your mommy is so ticklish around her neck, I'm surprised she lets you lay there” He cooed, leaning closer to her face. “Sweet girl, daddies sorry” He rocked her, swaying back and forth, moving Y/N in the process. As they swayed he hummed a tune his mother would often hum. It had no words, but it always reminded him of the early morning, before the sun was fully in the sky, just poking itself over the horizon. He would be in bed, just waking for the day when his mother walked by, humming to herself as she went to the kitchen, getting ready to start breakfast. Her loud humming followed her to the kitchen, where the notes were accented with her chopping the fruits and vegetables to the beat. The cries quickly turned to hiccups. Hinata's round yellow eyes were still glossy with tears as she stared at her father, his tender gaze as he looked down at her, singing softly. Y/N stared at the two of them in awe, the child's enamored look as she listened to her father's melody, the soft song she had heard him humming as he sat in the gardens early in the morning. Motherhood was such a blessing and being able to witness a moment like this was even better. Chubby hands reached up, grabbing at the air as the song came to an end. Her fingers wrapped around nothing before they dropped back onto the blanket she was swaddled in, gripping onto the fabric.

“She’s so beautiful. I could look at her all day” He looked up at his wife briefly before he looked back at his daughter, a smile gracing his lips as he held her closer to him, snuggling into her.

“She really is something special, huh? From her cute little toes all the way to that golden hair. Kyojuro, I think we made the perfect child. Hinata, my sunshine.” Her mother cooed, running her fingers over the small tufts of blonde hair, smoothing it against her head.

“You know” He started, looking back up to Y/N. “I was scared for you to come today. As much as I wanted to see the two of you, What if it didn’t work? What if I wasn't strong enough to get her to stop crying, I would have left you to do it when you’ve been doing it for so long without help. What if I had no-”

“I’m going to stop you there Kyojuro. Shinobu was telling me how you’ve been healing, how you’ve been working. I wouldn’t let you take Hinata from me if I didn’t think that you could handle it. Also, my flame; look at her, look at you. Take a deep breath before you completely lose it.” She stopped, watching as he inhaled and released it, slowly letting out the breath. “Now. Kyojuro, it's scary, I know. I’ve been trying to figure this out almost entirely on my own, but luckily I had some really good advice and a bit of help. my love, I’m right here, we are going to figure this out together and I promise you right now, we aren’t going to be perfect. But look at her, she’s happy, and that’s all I can ask for. She knows you and she loves you, I love you, so incredibly much. Kyo, I was scared you wouldn’t make it, that once Shinobu took you away from me I wouldn’t be seeing you after that. I need you to be patient with this. You are doing so well already, you quieted her faster than I've been able to since she was born. Hinata and I will spend so much time with you once you are home, none of us will leave that bed until you are healed, I mean it.” She leaned forward, pressing her forehead against his as he let out another long breath. “Everything will be fine my flame, don’t worry one bit. You are doing just fine with her.” Pulling away from her husband to sit on her heels she reached for Hinata, scooping her out of Kyojuro's arms. A small whine left Hinata's lips, her drooping eyes shooting open as she laid against her mother's shoulder. “Lay back against the pillow, I want to show you something” Kyojuro gave Y/N a puzzled look but did as he was told, moving to the head of the bed and laying flat on his back, head propped up on a pillow. Moving around the bed she stood next to Kyojuros still figure she smiled, moving Hinata so she was laying on his chest, her head instantly cuddling into the warmth his chest always radiated, a spot Y/N also liked to lay on. The lack of a shirt or a kimono on most of his chest created room for direct heat, Hinata own personal heated pillow. Kyojuro burst into giggles as his daughter quickly fell asleep against his chest, her quiet breaths becoming less frequent as she drifted to dreamland.

“She just fell asleep like that!?” it was Y/N’s turn to laugh as she climbed over her husband, laying down next to him.

“You are so warm, and she loves the warmth. When I light a fire at night, she always falls asleep so fast when I sit close to it, or when I bundle her in blankets. You are always so warm my flame, she obviously loves it” He chuckled again, running his fingers over the blanket that covered Hinata.

“Two women that like the heat, huh”

#kyojuro rengoku #kyojuro x reader #kyojuro headcanons #slice of life #demon slayer hashira #demon slayer scenarios #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer x you #demon slayer #demon slayer rengoku #rengoku x y/n #rengoku x reader #kny rengoku #kimetsu no yaiba rengoku #rengoku kyojuro #rengoku kyoujurou #rengoku

[rainpudding]

note; m will be in my next post, someone else already requested it >3

tw; depression,suicide and ed mentioned,alcohol dying and etc..

KAEYA | ANGST ALPHABET

catcall die kidnapped time

Kidnapped (you’re kidnapped)

Most people would say Kaeya would develop a strong alcohol addiction to forget that his lover went missing however I have to strongly disagree.

When Kaeya gets home and he can't find you anywhere he won't think much of it. Maybe you went to visit your family and forgot to tell him, or you're having a sleepover with a friend. On the outside, he seems calm as for the next three days he goes to work acting as nothing happened. But on the inside he is panicking, he gets his work done as soon as possible as he gets home just to sit down on a chair staring at the door. He Is waiting for the door to open and you to appear. He is sitting there for hours and hours.

After a week of you not appearing he blames himself for not reaching for help sooner as it may be too late to found you. He calls knight of favounius and citizens of mondstat goes in groups looking for you. Traveler makes missing posters trying to help at least a little bit.

Kaeya wants to forget you but he slowly loses interest in alcohol, it feels like it lost Its taste.

His public calm image is slowly breaking as his mind is filled with dark imaginations. He slowly forgets to eat meals or to keep himself hydrated.

Apart from Childe who gets obsessive filled with hope, Kaeya gets depressive knowing that there is no possibility you can be okay.

Jean first notices Kaeya's depression when she sees him standing in the middle of the hall. His eyepatch is missing his messy hair covering his eye. He wears only his white shirt as he is visibly confused.

The dehydration and sleep deprivation have a bad impact on him. Jean knows something is wrong and sends him home in order to take a break. Which does not help since Kaeya should have human interaction and get meds not be home.

Diluc gets worried as he makes meals for him carrying them to his house. The house is a mess as Kaeya is unable to clean which results in Dikuc quickly putting Kaeya's mess into the bin trying to clean up at least a little bit.

Kaeya, on the other hand, doesn't want to go to sleep but once he is asleep he doesn't want to wake up. He can't get out of his bed. Becoming more disoriented and slowly forgetting why he is sad in the first place.

He doesn't remember your face anymore, nor your name. He doesn't remember you at all.

And one morning when Diluc opens door to Kaeya's room holding breakfast to his surprise he finds Kaeya in his bed. Melatonin pills everywhere as he slowly realizes Kaeya overdosed himself.

But let's imagine you were found and you came home just before Kaeya got depressed.

You open the door with a crack quickly closing it as you finally feel safe. You were missing for almost three months yet since day one you were dreaming of the moment when you will be able to hug Kaeya again.

You look around finding your shared house slightly messy. The bin is filled with old food. The boxes on tables are also filled with untouched food. You wander around softly smiling at the pictures and decorations.

You pinch yourself just to be sure this is not one of the fantasies you always dreamed about. Opening one of the doors you walk in just to see Kaeya peacefully sleeping in pillows and blankets. His hair messy and his eyepatch still on.

You don't want to wake him up yet you're too excited to wait. You run to him as you hug him tightly. Sweet tears rolling down your cheeks as you sniffle Kaeya's scent.

Kaeya tries to push you away murmuring from his sleep before sleepily opening his eyes. They are dark as the ocean as the sparkles died down. His smirk wasn't decorating his face anymore. Instead, he sighed rubbing his eyes.

You would stroke his cheeks as you hold his chin softly. You're saying reassuring words while smiling with glossy eyes. He finally realizes that you're real. Grabbing your hands to squeeze them and peppering your face with many kisses.

And after a whole hour of hugging each other and you telling him about your kidnapper he decides to go to knights of favounius so they can throw your kidnapper into jail.

However, as he stands up you suddenly stop him as you look at his body. You can see how skinny he got, how his bones are seen, and how his skin is pale. Not to mention the blue hair on the pillow signalizing hair loss.

And you realize that he barely ate. That's why there were boxes with untouched food.

"Later, I'm hungry can we go for lunch first?" You smile brushing your thumb against Kaeya's hand as he nods.

- it would take some time for Kaeya to start taking care of himself again. But when you're with him he is willing to try.

- He will take a break to spend time with you as you cook together and clean the house later even going for a walk.

- eventually, give him few months and he will be healthy again.

Catcall (you’re catcalled and he’s with you)

Same as Diluc, Kaeya is well known and has a reputation. There is no way someone would catcall you on purpose. Yet let's imagine some drunk group catcalling you in front of your boyfriend.

This would go based on how bold they are.

1; if they will call you baby or any pet name maybe hinting something romantic. Kaeya will just chuckle as he is listening to them. He wouldn't get angry as he thinks it's funny how they try to flirt with you. "You should watch what you say, honorary citizens," he smiles as he is supporting his chin.

2; they would get more inappropriate or even try to touch you. This would make Kaeya slightly alerted. When they say something inappropriate he just slowly moves you next to you or into his lap. Or he has a hand around your waist. They will notice him and leave you alone. Yet if they continue even touching you he would be pissed. He doesn't want to make a scene yet he has to make a move. He stood up taking his sword pointing it at the drunk person's chest. He is glaring at that person as the person shivers apologizing. Kaeya's gaze is terrifying. But as soon as the person apologizes he hides his sword sitting next to you again.

The person will probably never come to the tavern again.

Time (you’re ill and only have a few months to live)

Kaeya started noticing that the last few days you didn't felt very well. And the symptoms you were experiencing were quite unique. Pale skin and black bags under the eyes because of insomnia. Hairloss and muscle pain. You not being hungry and constant vomiting. Scars and bruises randomly appearing on your skin.

His eyebrows were scrunched as he had a sad expression on his face. Yet every time you greeted him he quickly smiled and giggled pulling you into a hug and giving you lots of affection. You knew something wasn't right with you too, but you tough maybe it was an allergy or just some mental illness that could go away with few herbs.

Eventually, after the symptoms continuing Kaeya decided to visit Albedo. This resulted in you spending the whole weekend at Albedo's place. He took your blood and saliva, checking your bones and trying to massage the muscles. Taking detailed notes very carefully.

And when the tests were done and you got to know you're slowly dying as your organs are slowly collapsing, you couldn't do anything but blankly stare onto the wall. You felt hopeless. You knew you had few days to live before dying a painful death yet you weren't ready. All your dreams and goals were left in the dust.

Kaeya on the other hand couldn't believe it. He was following Albedo around asking him if It's true and how can he help you. He pinched himself several times, trying to get out of this nightmare. Kaeya grew desperate as he begged Albedo on his knees to make medication. Albedo would of course love to help but he didn't know how so he would dismiss Kaeya over and over.

Kaeya's wasn't mentally well. He would be obsessed with finding some medication. Contacting Baizhu from Lyuie. Spending all his money on different doctors and different people. He didn't even realize that at this time he should pay attention to you and go on dates with you. Instead, he was away in different nations looking for herbs and scientists.

Die (their reaction when you die/your reaction when they die)

And once Kaeya finally arrives home full of despair as he got few herbs but no medication he slowly walks around the room. But before he can hug you and reassure you and spend time with you he finds you on the floor. You were just taking few painkillers writing a diary entry as you collapsed eventually your organs giving in.

He would sit down in panic his eyes glossy as his breathing is slow. "Breathe, common please breathe, to the archons. Lord barbatos y/n breathe," he repeats himself over and over as tears roll down his cheeks. His hands shaking as he cheks your heartbeat.

Your body so cold and your eyes blank. Without a pinch of life. And that's when he breaks down.

Completely sobbing at your dead body. Brushing his hands over your skin as he peppers your face with kisses. "I'm sorry I didn't try harder, I'm useless, I'm a burden. I can't do anything right," he kisses you. But nothing.

You didn't wake up.

He kisses you again expecting you to wake up. In movies, they always wake up.

But this is not a movie.

This is a painful reality.

#genshin impact #genshin impact imagines #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x you #genshin headcanons #genshin imagines #kaeya x reader #genshin kaeya #kaeya #kaeya x you #mihoyo #angst #kaeya angst