#I still feel like a intruder

[icarus-star]

im feeling so very conflicted rn

#and somewhat angry with myself 🤷🏻‍♂️ #no more liking rory. right? #and i cant like. stop myself from hyperfixating on him?? like if i could stop i would #i see a buncha ppl leaving the fanbase cuz the recent stuff #and i feel kinda like a bad person for not doing so as well #and if it comes out that he DID in fact cheat on sarah #and im still as hyperfixated on him as now and before #im gonna feel so terrible #and i feel really bad about still writing tons of fics rn. especially cuz ive actually been motivated #especially cuz #ive been so motivated #rory culkin #intruders 2015 #jack goes home #☆arties diary

[thatgirl4815]

Dominance

There is obviously much more to be said about that last scene, but I find it interesting how Kinn puts himself in the dominant position--constantly putting himself above Porsche, caging him between his arms--up until Porsche slaps him. Then he naturally (and what looks to be subconsciously) looks up at Porsche for the rest of the scene. I think the majority of it is motivated by his mistake/wanting to prove how sorry he is. But I also think part of it is a reflection of the guilt he showed last episode. He took advantage of Porsche when he was unable to properly consent once before, but he’s giving Porsche all the control here. When Porsche turns around to look at him, Kinn’s still got his arms on either side of him, but it no longer feels like he’s forcibly caging him in; the motion conveys something gentler. It’s as if he’s pleading with him not to leave, to understand all the baggage he carries, and even though they haven’t worked through these trust issues, what happens after conveys all the desperation and vulnerability they feel with each other--perhaps more than the words ever could. Not to say that they don’t need to have an actual conversation about their issues, but in the heat of the moment, I think the mood change transitioned nicely.

Here, we see them face to face, height to height. No one is looking up at the other. This is just before Kinn puts himself in a lower position. The most vulnerable position he could possibly be in, a position he probably hasn’t allowed himself to occupy since Tawan (or, dare I say, maybe ever).

And that golden light shining through the back, overcoming the green warning light pervading the scene? The way it illuminates the space between them as they meet each other’s eyes?? The way their gazes search every part of each other’s expression, taking it all in??? There’s an understanding there.

They will doubtlessly exchange more harsh words with each other before the season is over, but in my opinion, this moment where they look at each other is proof that they will be able to overcome it all. 

(***I’ve finally gotten my thoughts together a bit more on the cinematography and color of this scene, which I’ve written more about here.)

#kinnporsche #kinnporsche the series #kinn porsche #kinn x porsche #kinnporsche episode 7 #kinnporsche ep 7 #There are so many levels of emotion in this scene that deserve to be picked through #But all I know is #if I was watching it in the cinema with a full audience #I don't think I would've been able to properly enjoy it #Even watching it alone I had my hands over my eyes #I feel like I was intruding on a very private moment #I will definitely find better words to talk about all of this later but I'm still just... #overcome by it all

[fortyfive-forty]

i’m tired. why can’t i consume things normally. or at least consume them abnormally but in the way that other people consume them abnormally and not in this weird isolating way where i feel the need to overexplain myself whenever i talk about the thing i’m consuming so people understand me and my thought process

#it’s the social anxiety or something idk i know it’s in my head #i want to talk abt the things that i like but i feel like i can’t explain to other fans my process of being a fan? #does that makes sense? #bc i know i approach it a bit differently #which is fine by itself but then i feel the need to justify lol #which is literally what i am doing right now 💀 #also why i write a lot in the tags all the time lmao #and realistically is probably connected w being trans and always feeling like i’m intruding on spaces that don’t belong to me #bc i feel like although sports are very male-fan-dominated #spaces like tumblr *tend* to have more women #and a lot of the ppl i interact with (though certainly not all) are women so i always feel weird talking abt my interests/opinions #bc i think it makes my perspective difficult to related to sometimes which j understand #but it still makes me feel shit sometimes

[astrxealis]

dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!! #i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun! #BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia. #my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door #or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death......... #Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees #old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk. #and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that. #I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway! #wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic. #anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne #is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either) #and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god. #AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :(( #2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more. #i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever. #ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop #getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared #okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!

[altruistic-meme]

torn between free food and going home

#life is full of tough decisions #but the problem with free food is i barely know anyone :( #and while i know it osnt it still FEELS like intruding #bc its a thing for the line and like yeah im on the line but I've also only been on the line for 3 days #so #but free food :((( #tho its probably like. wings. which i dont even eat. #well #i could walk that way and see #...... but idk:( #i probably just wont bc id feel too awkward #shh ac

[mxwhore]

day eleven thousand of feeling like a fucking dumbass who shouldnt be doing science

#idk man!!! i dont feel so good!! #its a mixture of impostor syndrome and chronic feeling of not belonging and genuine struggle to get a hold of the techniques #my coworkers are nice to me and very helpful but still it feels like im intruding in a big family #also idk how much of this is genuine incompetence and how much of it is mentality #anyway. release me from this mortal coil

[tunabesimpin]

me when i cant socialize normally without thinking i've ruined everything at a every moment

#real venting hours #i type hi in chat -> I awkwardly leave because I take 5 million years to process what people are saying & know i wont be able to keep up #i love listening to people and interacting TOT but i also feel like im intruding if i cant keep up #i just wish i could talk without all the anxiety #tbh posting even this ive spent the past 20 mins rephrasing out of anxiety of being misinterpreted and/ or seen like a crybaby #i wanna post this still to release my feelings and kinda teach myself its ok to express negative emotion

[off-the-lawn]

hm. a small part of me, is, i think, a bit upset that they did not Commit To The Bit in regards to revealing or not revealing the Captain's name, but also, on the other hand, i think it was important that they did reveal it at that specific moment, because before that, it was always kept formal, with titles and last names, and the only time we hear the Captain's and Havers' first names, James' and Anthony's first names, is when James is dying, and it's just so, so personal.

James needs to tell Anthony that he loves him before he dies, though of course Anthony knows, they both know, probably always knew, but they cannot say anything, so first names is really the closest they can get to each other and. it just would not be the same if they hadn't told us his name.

#i feel. so smegging weird using first names. like. i am Intruding. #but the post would be a bit weird if i solely referred to them as 'captain' & 'havers' cause of. yknow. the fact its about their first name #i could've worded this post so much better i know i haven't quite gotten my feelings on the importance-of-the-dropping-of-the-titles across #but oh well. hopefully you still understand what i was getting at. might make another post later that makes more sense #anywho #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts spoilers #janthony #(<--- ridiculous ship name but it is sort of growing on me)

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

How does one write. Romance.

#I don’t want an answer to this alsvakgxsjgs #I just #I’m writing a scene where two characters KISS and it’s a little bit weird!! #it’s a very short scene but STILL #I DON’T WRITE ROMANCE #GAH #THESE CHARACTERS ARE SO MADLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER #I FEEL LIKE I’M INTRUDING #THEY NEED THEIR DRAMATIC GOODBYE/BEACH SCENE #they also don’t have a happy ending but oh well #my post #my writing thoughts

[babylion]

#spent 16 songs attempting to clean my desk and it still looks like shit omfg...... #i hate having so much shit at home im so jealous of ppl who can just have Nothing. like an ikea showroom #i can nvr invite friends over and i sorta kinda slightly feel bad for intruding theirs 247 :/ #minhyung #nct

[mik-arts]

A little moment from a few sessions ago where Flora was checking on Fanaedar's eye discoloration to try and tell if the feywild-magic-stealing fey soul he's helping keep in a mental prison has been able to get more control

#Fanaedar's bestie was like 2 feet away laughing at these two clueless idiots who still couldnt figure out they have feelings for each other #dnd #dungeons and dragons #dnd oc #dnd npc #art #my art #theyre both a lil clueless in the emotions department ok #pretty sure literally everyone else in the party knows theyre crushing on each other hard #but they have not figured it out as of me drafting this post #i also didn't realize how close to him she would have had to get to check until i started drawing this #me: why did radar apologize for intruding? it wasnt very intimate or anything #me upon starting to draw this and realizint how close they would have been: oh. #anyways im in love with these two #flora #fanaedar #fanora

[artheresy]

Nothing breaks me,,, quite like this panel has oh boy I am

God do I both love and want to strangle Fyodor

#MMM #the dehumanization never stops! Fyodor is on that grind #all of the dehumanization Fyodor has been shooting at Chuuya since his reveal as the intruder has put me in pain #I feel like I have heartburn #someone give Chuuya a break pls #you could argue ‘oh hes just talking about his ability not referring to Chuuya just by his ability’ which yes could be either way I agree #but even if he’s not referring to Chuuya just by his ability #‘make use of Gravity Manipulation’ thats still treating Chuuya’s ability like it isnt even his but rather for others to use #AND THE WAY THIS CONTRASTS WITH HOW DAZAI WAS TREATING SIGMA A HH #Very telling for both Fyodor and Dazai’s characters in the present (and in comparison to his character in the past in Dazai’s case) #bsd #bsd spoilers #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs

[muninnhuginn]

In terms of Yor and how she approaches the idea of “normal” I do very much see it as her wanting to be “normal” first and foremost and then her trying to fit the role of wife and mother is a manifestation of that. As in, rather than her conflict being primarily to fit those roles because she’s always had some deep yearning to have a family or anything.

I read it as her wanting to be “normal” because she feels like it’s something she missed out on being and that it’s something she’s failing at being (and her wondering if parents would have “taught her to be normal” just adds to that) and that whilst there’s obviously a security element there of not wanting to be targeted by the SSS it does come off as something she wants regardless.

Hopefully though, the direction it’s going with her arc, she’ll get to meet people who let her realise that it’s okay for her to not have to fit the mold. Sure, the SSS won’t be vanishing anytime soon, but for her to at least realise for herself that she isn’t lacking for not being completely normal (and that to some extent, everyone deviates from the norm in some way or another) would be a big step for her.

#spy x family #spy x family manga spoilers #legit keep going back and forth on whether yor is intentionally written as autistic or if it's just a coincidence #but I keep seeing people talk of her motivation to be a good mother/wife as though it's her main thing #and yes it is a big part of her motivation but a lot of it is ultimately rooted in her desire to be 'normal' #and once she gets past that idea she'll be able to confront more why she actually wants this family for themselves #tbh she's way ahead of twilight on self reflection so I can see her actually accepting she wants them but I do think she's tied down still #by the idea that she must be normal and the idea that as a stepmum she cannot 'intrude' on anya and just #roles in society she feels she must fulfill which influence all her interactions and which are then further enforced by the sss situation #(also. yor has very much been mocked/bullied by her co-workers for not being 'normal' enough #so it makes sense from that perspective as well that she thinks it'll stop if she fits this or that criteria #but for her coworkers it's not about one aspect or another. they don't like her because she's different #and that's why hopefully meeting more people who do accept her will help her massively)

[autisticlee]

I always see autistic people say they either mask really well, or they can't mask at all so they never did.

where are my autistics who tried really hard to mask growing up, wasted so much time and energy doing it, but realized it was completely pointless when you got older because you were awful at it and it never worked once in your life. you were visibly autistic to everyone and played pretend alone for no reason 🥹 all in attempt to please people and get them to stop harassing, bullying, and punishing you for being "too weird/quiet/boring/awkward/scary/etc"

basically, you don't fit in either side of the perspective. you relate to both sides. you experienced the deep exhaustion caused by masking, but you experienced the harassment and unfair treatment caused by not masking. with the added trauma of the mask not working so you're exhausted from the effort and getting bullied still on top of it.

bonus points if all that wasted time attempting to mask, and failing, led to you not being able to form your own self/personality and you have no clue who the hell you are now as an adult. maybe you gave up masking once you realized it did nothing to help and only made things worse. so now you're an empty pile of masks that don't fit and there's nothing inside 😔

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #asking autistics #lee rambles #i gave up trying to mask one i realized thats whar i was doing and noticed how it never worked once in my life #i created a different self or personality for different situations and for different people #i don't know which if any are “me” and the will come out at different times to control my brain and try to fit the situation/person #but even with all that i still was obviously too weird and different for everyone and got bullied relentlessly my whole childhood #i obviously couldn't mask at all. i still cant. im 20 different people in one brain and theyre all too “weird” for anyone to accept #i never once fit in or was able to not be visibly autistic. that makes me stand out and get bullied and rejected from everything in life #it often feels like i have a huge target on my back and people see me as an intruder among them and go after me #i never had the luxury of blending in from masking to avoid harassment. but i still experienced the exhaustion from masking #with the added trauma of it never working and beating myself up over it :) #my masks all had names too and woukd take over when they were needed. i feel like i had so many names and lives all in one #but were any of them actually me? were they all me? none me? who are they? who am i? why am i like this fhdhjdsn why is this so hard #brains are confusing places

[tovaicas]

I literally can't believe you do not get a one-on-one section or conversation with estinien until the VERY END OF THE GODDAMN EXPAC

#saint.txt #spoilers #major spoilers #estinienposting #YOU KNOW? THE NEWEST GUY HERE WE KNOW THE LEAST? #WHO'S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT HAPPENED OFFSCREEN? #DEVELOPMENT THAT HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED HIM AS A PERSON SO WE CAN'T COAST OFF HIS HW CHARACTERIZATION? #WHO NEEDED THE MOST HELP BC OF HIS INHERITED WRITING PROBLEMS FROM HW? #(yes I know they wrote a short story abt him. my rule is that I am fairly harsh on important character details and lore that is not #communicated in the primary medium. ie. if I have to go somewhere else to learn core character lore it should be in-game.) #but no. he's just here to be vr.tra's hype man. and I like vr.tra but goddamn. #like no wonder he feels like a side character just tacked onto the scions bc he's consistently treated as one by both them and the narrativ #and nothing is ever really done with that bc it COULD be a genuine conversation on the insularity of the scions and their work #and his perspective as an outsider with a completely different background and history and experiences could be a genuinely interesting #addition to the group dynamic as a shakeup but no!!! he's just here to be funny bc man stupid and nothing else happens!!! #he could comment on how genuinely uncomfortable his joining was (where he was basically press-ganged into it) and how he's been treated #re: the failure to keep him in the loop and the rough way he slots into the group dynamic and the pure fact that he is an outsider #to a years-long established group of friends and unintentionally or otherwise treated as an intruder / obviously doesn't feel comfortable #hanging out with his colleagues bc he passes up every opportunity to do so and how his position here is still 'mercenary' #and not 'friend and ally' AND how he's one of the few ppl here who can genuinely connect w/ the wol re: the lightwarden thing #sorry I'm ranting again but this man's writing is all over the goddamn place and I really do not get the sense that his promotion #to main character status was like. planned out in advance. bc nothing is really done with it other than hey vr.tra here's your dude.

[plainemmanem]

break up angst?! my heart hurts but I see this in a timeline where you break up with Steve before getting back together and living happily ever after.

So you’ve been together since after high school, Steve’s at FV and you’re having a year out before college ( which is a couple of hours away). It’s perfect. How could it not be? Steve worships the ground you walk on and every time you see him, your knees still go weak and your heart feels like it might leap right out of your chest.

College comes around, you make it work. He’s working in Hawkins and you talk on the phone every night, and swap out who visits who at the weekend. You’re miserable without him. He feels the same. But you make it through a year, have another perfect summer where you even go on a few little trips away. It turns out Steve is terrified of planes, and he doesn’t let go of your hand the entire way there and back. You’re planning your life together. He makes a plan - he’s going to community college and is going to be a school councillor or work with kids in some capacity, maybe he starts volunteering with community projects for kids in the autumn when you go back to college.

It’s a good distraction. You see a future with Steve, he only wants you. But there’s something you both begin to feel. Maybe you need to figure out who you are, what you want after college - maybe a graduate programme in another city. You can’t and won’t ask Steve to come with you, because he’s finally found what he wants to do and he has an extra glow to him now. Maybe he finds a leaflet and a phone number for the admissions office in your book bag.

The conversation you never have weighs on every conversation, lingering like a spectre. When you’re out at the weekend with Robin, Eddie, or having a movie night with the kids (who aren’t really kids anymore), you watch each other subtly - how can I be without you? how can I make sure I’m not the one holding you back? Is this really what I want, all I want is him…her…us.

You bite the bullet. There’s a programme in Toronto, maybe Edinburgh or even Boston. Steve knows it’s coming. Both of your hearts hurt as you cry and hold each other and promise each other that you want the other to be happy. But you have to do this. He has to let you go. He’s finally finding himself, making himself proud rather than feeling that vicariously through you, or the nuggets, or feeling the guilt from his father’s disappointment.

You don’t know who you are without him, but you try. You work hard, make new friends, keep in touch with old faces. Steve gets a job he loves - it’s tough but he’s making a difference.

Maybe it’s two years later - you had missed each other the last time you were home, or maybe you had seen him with another girl. Maybe he had seen you while he was driving to pick Dustin up from the airport, home for the holidays. You’ve cut your hair a bit and look so grown up, city girl.

Maybe it’s a late night grocery store run in sweats and no makeup.

“Hi city girl.”

Your knees feel weak again, heart fit to burst as you turn to see him. Him. Strong and soft and Steve, he opens his arms just in time to catch you as you hug him.

“Hi handsome.”

christ.

#and then you guys slowly become friends again and talk on the phone constantly and you’re both pining for eachother again #but you both convince yourselves that ‘they just wanna be friends’ so it’s so painful to hang out when you’re both in love with eachother #and then you tell him you’re going back permanently. and he’s just very softly like ‘i know it’s so selfish but. i can’t lose you again.’ #and then you guys finally kiss and have sex and then the feelings are even messier bc you’re still leaving #and you go but he still can’t get over you he knows now that he’s never gonna be happy when you’re not in his life #so he flies to you and surprises you at your apartment and you get back together and he moves in and you live in a little flat together :) #and then there’s more angst as he tries to create roots but it’s hard bc he feels like he’s intruding upon your life #yadda yadda yadda and maybe you breakup again but it ultimately ends with you two married and in love and living in the city until you #eventually move away and have kids<3 (if you want to)