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k1nky-fool · 2 years

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Hello again, dearie

2, 3, 4, 8, 13, 14, 15, The least sane moments

1, 8, 13, 14, 15, Fuck around and find out

Hi babes! I am so sorry this took forever! As I said yesterday, I vastly overestimated my ability to fight off motion sickness on the road trip (I have now learned of a magic thing called dramamine), and being a tourist in DC for the week is definitely keeping me busy doing a bunch of cool stuff. But I loved all of these questions, and I'm always open to more.

Least Sane Moments

2: What scene did you first put down?

We all know the fanfic author's struggle with having one scene in mind and being obsessed with just that one scene, and we write an entire fic around that one scene. I'm pleased to say that Least Sane Moments started with just one, and has evolved into giving me many that keep me going with the story.

That first scene that I got obsessed with was that sparring scene in Part 2. I love writing sparring in general, because it's a great catalyst for tension. Oddly enough, that scene was supposed to be an avenue for sexual tension, but when I got to it, I ended up writing that angsty, emotional tension, and I liked it a lot more. It felt more natural for the characters, particularly Mita.

From there, I got fixated on Mita and Grayson's talk in Part 3, along with the introduction of the five eyed creature. Then you can probably tell the next was Mita telling Vander who the five eyed is. And I have a few more that I am obsessed with. One of them is in the next chapter.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?

Her words lifted a painful burden off of him, even if it was only a small piece of everything that weighed him down, it was enough to give him hope again.

I mention Mita's perspective most often, but this one really stuck with me. This was after Mita said she forgives Vander for the mess of the attack on the bridge. We know he sees it as one of his greatest failures, and I imagine he never expected to be forgiven for it. But after everything Vander has done to provide comfort for Mita, this is really the first time we see her realizing he needs comfort from her, and she gives it without question, knowing what that attack did, and forgiving him for the chaos it caused in her own life.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

Now forgive me, but my favorite line of dialogue is from Part 5 that I have yet to finish. I'll give it to you as a little sneak peak.

"I owe you a rematch, creature; I don't owe you my fear."

I think it's badass in context, and I hope a couple people think so too. Vander gives Mita courage to do things she wouldn't otherwise have the courage to do. Most of the time, its vulnerability, here it's spitting in the face of someone she has been scared of her whole life.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

I've mentioned that a lot of aspects of Mita were greatly inspired by Asajj Ventress from Star Wars: The Clone Wars and that is a fictional character, but most of her characterization is self-insert. I know I have trust issues, but for Mita I did dial it up to 100. That being said, I paired her with a character that would be very easy to trust, and would be very patient with her.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

Fun fact: I have specific songs that remind me of all my OCs and stories. Pepper is the easiest to find songs for. However, for some reason, finding songs for Mita is so fucking hard for me.

The funniest thing is that I haven't found a single song that reminds me of her that isn't by Imagine Dragons.

Friction by Imagine Dragons

Natural by Imagine Dragons

Enemy by Imagine Dragons (that's a cheap shot tho)

Believer by Imagine Dragons

I am begging for any other song suggestions if anyone has any, I can't have all my Mita songs being by the same default band for this show.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

I hope people can get the message that fear is to be expected, even for the strongest of people. Mita is the stone cold, assassin type, but even she fears what has hurt her. I also hope that other people can see the difference between being cautious of harm and self-sabotage by self-isolation. Mita is a character that struggles with being vulnerable because of the pain she's experienced, yet there are always people that are truly willing to give her a safe space to be vulnerable. When you have that space, you're allowed to use it.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

Honestly, most of what I've learned from writing this is about my own writing process. Ngl, when I started this fic, I didn't have a full outline. I just had the ideas and started writing what I wanted to, finding the story along the way. And now that I have a full outline, I like how I did this. It's fun to write, and I think that's what's most important when posting fic.

Fuck Around and Find Out

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

This was yet another fic that I just started writing because I wanted to. But a lot of my inspiration for this fic came from @gaybybirth and her fic A Theory. I was inspired by her writing, particularly in the way she writes Viktor, and I went for a similar vibe with him in my fic.

But writing Devo the way I do, was a change of pace. She was definitely different from most other OCs I write. She doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, but she's also not cold and calculating. Devo is definitely the type to bottle up her emotions until eruption, and I definitely identify with that trait as well, but I definitely made Devo a bit more timid than myself.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

So, some of my followers may know because they read my blog bio, but I am actually only one alter in a system. We have a dissociative disorder, and we are completely different people.

Devo's personality is based on one of the alters in the system, and I do regularly consult her for some responses and a different alter has a special interest in astronomy and he will also weigh in on the more scientific aspects of the fic. That being said, we are still fairly amateur, and we do make mistakes.

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

I don't have many songs for Devo, because many of the songs I listen to for her aren't just to get in the mood to write her. I do have a few tho

Curses by The Crane Wives

Do I Wanna Know by The Arctic Monkeys

Royals by Lorde

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

I have several scenes of Devo's journey in processing trauma, and I try to do it as respectfully as possible, especially considering that I myself have certain traumas that Devo works through. I hope people can learn that progress isn't linear, and even the strongest of survivors have terrible days.

However, the lesson that I make the overarching theme in the story is what a different version of love looks like. Both Viktor and Devo are people who love their work. I especially wanted to show what that kind of love looks like, when two people love each other, and neither of them are competing with the other's passion for the other's studies. I don't think there's any shame in being 2nd place to someone's passion. If you have an issue with being 2nd place in someone's attention, then it's ok to admit that relationship isn't for you. But I also want to show what it looks like when 2nd place is treated in a healthy way.

I originally hated part 3 when I posted it, but one conversation in it has definitely stuck out to me as the entire theme of the story of Viktor and Devo's relationship and in the plot in general.

"It is rare that I find someone who places their studies in priority over personal interests." He said, picking up the second volume to check the calculations. "I do it, myself, but it is not often that I find someone that might understand that priority."

Devo chuckled, going back to her telescope and writing notes. "I take it your past relationships tend to fail when your partner finds out they're not the reason you wake up in the morning."

It's ok to find love in 2nd place.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

As I mentioned earlier, this fic definitely has its therapeutic uses for me. But the one thing I have definitely learned about myself in this fic is that I have often had problems with perfectionism. I have an unhealthy habit of tossing out good and fun work when I don't like the end result.

And particularly in the case of part 3, I learned that in possibly the best way possible. I hated part 3 when I posted it. It felt so rushed and I really just wanted to get to the cool stuff in part 4. I even posted 4 not even a full hour after 3, because I just wanted it to fly under the radar. But what I missed in my own writing were some of the best developments in my characters. Some people have even told me that 3 was their favorite so far.

I learned that I don't have to be perfect. I write for my own enjoyment, but I post it for everyone else to enjoy it with me. And a lot of the time, they will disagree with me on what the best parts are or who the best character is. I don't need to stress about everything being perfect in my own eyes, because when I make good work, it's possible for someone to disagree with me. And I found that very comforting, especially in my writing process.

#arcane oc #arcane #arcane fanfic #vander x oc #viktor x oc #fic ask game

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the-darklings · 3 years

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coa one year later & self-reflection

(*drags out a creaky metal chair and plops down on it heavily*)

Hi. It’s me, ya boi skinny--

Wait, wrong one. Do over.

Hi, it’s me, Kat, and I’m not dead. Clearly. Today being one year anniversary of COA has kinda put me in a reflective mood, so I guess I decided to sit down and just...talk about some things, thoughts and feelings I’ve been bottling inside for a hot sec. Especially given how radio silent I have gone on here and people deserve a bit of perspective.

And before anyone starts worrying, it’s all good, and I’m still around and currently in good health for the most part.

So, let’s take it back to the start. Regardless of how dramatic it may sound, we need to go back a year for that.

By technicality alone, COA actually turned one year old on October 12th. That’s when the first part was posted. However, the reason I’m treating today as the aforementioned birthday is simple: I had no intention of this story ever being more than a short two-parter. I told this to the discord gang already but COA was only going to have two parts. V was going to die in Tokyo and the rest of the story follows glimpses of John throughout the movies and it’s her ghost that haunts him. Skipping ahead, it was going to have a bittersweet ending of John eventually dying, having completed his task, only to be greeted by V, Daisy and Helen in the afterlife. A peace of sorts. Then, I realised that, well, no. I have more to say on this world and intrigue about this placeholder character V kept growing.

November 1st happened and I made a very last minute call to continue COA but with the added pressure of doing it during NaNoWriMo 2019. And boy did I. Most of the story was figured out during that very intense month. I posted Part 2 on this day a year ago because I was so eager to share it. Perhaps, in retrospect, a bit too eager.

For those of you who may not know this, I work as a writer full time for my actual every day job. I’m the main writer for an original webcomic called In the Bleak Midwinter on Webtoon.com and have been for almost two years now. Getting what is essentially your dream job is amazing. I’m very lucky on that front but it also taught me stark realities of having your job and only hobby overlap. It’s a dangerous creative mix. Especially because I was not used to being constraint in what I create or the feeling like I have to please anyone else. Writing as a job is a whole other avenue of creative exhaustion. I love my job a lot and am very, very lucky to have it but it doesn’t change the fact that those initial stages made me fall back on COA a lot for creative freedom that I craved so desperately. To an unhealthy degree looking back on it now.

But going back to November last year. NaNo time. I did it. Finished on the 24/25th I believe. A juicy final count of 52k+. All while maintaining a weekly update schedule for a fic that usually hit around 10k per update, if not more, even during those early days. Add writing an original story on top of that. Writing every day for hours on end (we are talking 10-12hr days) without any time for other hobbies or time for myself in general. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Losing weight and sleep in the process. I think the thing that convinced me that I should continue doing so is the fact that the outpour of support for COA ended up surpassing anything I ever expected or even dared to hope for. I’m not a huge numbers person but the outpour of love and just sheer investment in the story and characters blew me away. John Wick fandom is on the smaller side and has been going through downtime when I posted COA so my expectations were...well, small tbh. I like keeping expectations low to avoid any disappointments in general. But I’ve also always had an issue of being a massive 0 or 100 kind of person. If I love something, it consumes me. In this case, it brought me as much joy and freedom as much as it was steadily pushing me towards the ultimate crash.

That being said, I can’t thank you all enough for every comment, like, reblog and message and fanart. You’re the reason I got this far. With your support. It brightened some really dark days for me.

But.

To be frank, it’s never been about you guys. I never wrote or pushed because I felt like I had to appease anyone. That creative mindset is pure poison and I long since learned to let go of it. I kept pushing and kept working myself to the bone because I liked it. I liked how reading peoples’ responses made me feel. I liked the addictive nature of reading all the comments and theories after an update. I loved the idea of brightening peoples’ days and giving them something to cheer them up after what might have been a shitty day. Even if that was at expense of my own time/well being. But for a long time, it wasn’t. I love writing a lot but facts remain facts.

It was beyond unhealthy and burnout wasn’t a question of if but when and that when was approaching at neck-breaking speed.

So we come to the end of November. Part 4 has just come out. People were invested and I was invested alongside them. I was just finishing up Part 5 which (back then) was the biggest single chapter I’ve ever written and god I still recall my sheer dread because that was the beginning of Santino being established as a LI. Looking back on that now, it’s downright hilarious how worried I was about the reception of him and V together after John.

So honestly, I hit burnout at around Part 8. Because that’s the first time I recall struggling with writing a chapter. Part 8 came out on December 28th. I had a brief break for holidays. But my mistake was not taking longer back then. Because I continued writing with a barely healed burnout. Followed by almost a year of struggling and continuously creating through that state. It wasn’t like I eased off the pressure, either. Oh, no. The chapters grew in size, the world and the characters with it. AUs amassed quickly and while I adore every single one - again, I didn’t know how to pace myself well enough.

I’m spiteful though. The more the chapters struggled the more I pushed against the burnout. By the time Chicago arrived, however, I knew I was in trouble. I ended up writing 43k+ in a span of 2 months, I believe. And while to some it may not seem like a lot given the time frame, it’s a lot when you’re burnout to a crisp & writing an original story for work + deadlines. Which I was burned out and then some. Chicago was something I was looking forward to writing for months. I have built it up since Part 4. It was a long time coming. So while I’m still proud of it, I would be lying if I said that some scenes were not sacrificed for the sake of keeping to my invisible schedule that no one but me actually cared about. You guys have always been patient. I never felt pushed into anything. It’s always only ever been me doing the harm.

Chicago was the downwards spiral for me mentally. I felt like I was failing to live up to my own expectations. That people were drifting away from it. I was plagued by the thought that the story I poured so much into was falling apart and growing weaker. Which this has always been an issue with me: I am my own harshest critic. Always have been. In fact, I’m a downright mean little fucker when it comes to just tearing at myself. I know writing is for fun - and it is - but I still like the idea of being proud of my work which only made everything worse despite the love each update received.

This takes us to the beginning of June. Specifically, June the 2nd. Or, as I like to call it: Kat Makes Another Impulsive Decision but This One Actually Works Out For the Better. On this day, I created the COA Discord server. And damn, I’m not sure what exactly I was expecting when I did ngl. I did it for fun and as an escape more so than anything. But somehow it ended up being the best decision I made in a long while. I know some of you are reading this. So love you lots, dorks. It’s such a privilege to be able to call so many of you my friends even outside of COA now. That little community has given me some of the best memories from this year and helped me to crawl out of my own metaphorical pit I was stuck in. Mentally, I’m doing much better than I did beginning of this summer. Which could be summed up as a constant self-hatred cycle and a feeling of inadequacy.

That, however, does not mean my burnout magically disappeared. If anything Chapter 17 just put a nail in the coffin so to speak. 2020 has been a shitty year just across the board for obvious reasons I don’t need to go into here but that can only partially be attributed to my mental state. Chapter 17 was...exhaustive. To say the least. But I was determined to stick with my vision and not split it up. I was also starting to be a bit more forgiving towards myself in terms of how long I may take to write it thanks to guys on discord though the feeling of failure and worry never quite faded fully. I’m proud of Part 17. Truly. But that was also when I hit rock bottom creatively on COA. It drained me completely.

I tried writing Part 18 for weeks after, day in and day out, not getting past the first scene and hating every word I wrote. So I took a deep breath and stopped. Figured I let it marinate and wait instead of trying to piece one of the most crucial chapters in this story like some Frankenstein monster two sentences at the time.

So my solution was simple: give myself some distance from it and write other things. Get my spark back. Of course that’s always a good idea. Having multiple creative escapes is the best thing you can do for yourself creatively. There was just one tiny little problem.

I was still burned out. Still am. The problem went deeper than just being burned out over COA. I was burned out over writing itself.

Which is an issue for a person who only has writing as a creative outlet.

I don’t have any other way to express myself. So I was stuck in a runt, trying to write because it’s the only thing that makes me genuinely happy even when I really shouldn’t have. And let me tell you. It’s a shitty fucking feeling. My burnout worsened. I had a thousand ideas but every time I tried to get them down it felt forced, fragmented, and weak. Repetitive and dry. Now, this is also in part because English isn’t my native language, so my vocab is limited as a result, but I hit that sweet rock bottom in that regard, too.

So, I worked on V (but in her OC form Clara), Lucien and The Elites. All those characters have grown so much since you last read about them. I have multiple original projects planned down the line that will feature all of them existing in their own world, with their own stories and no longer constrained by JW canon.

Which, finally, takes us to the end of October and beginning of November 2020.

I was convinced that the best course of action was to do NaNo again but with an original story this time (involving V). Suffice to say, it took a grand total of maybe 5-6 days and hating every second of writing it while also feeling like this project I’m so passionate and excited to write (still am) is just...going down the toilet to be blunt, to realise I may have made the wrong call.

Still, the stubborn ass that I am, I pushed through. Convinced I can get into it if I just keep going. The realizations that I am sharing with you right now won’t have been possible if it hadn’t been for a rather curious turn of events about a week and a half ago.

I recently bought a gaming laptop, all in preparation for Cyberpunk 2077 dropping ofc. But, in the meantime, I kept recommending a game to a friend on the COA server. That game? Far Cry 5. (It’s a blast to play btw, just a side note.) And playing it brought back all the feelings of nostalgia from the days when I used to write for that fandom. So I revisited some old work. Checked the stuff I never published and that has been sitting ducks in my docs for months and hoo boy. Let me tell you it was a vibe check of the worst kind.

The stark difference in the prose and the ease with which it flowed was...startling. It made me remember why I love writing so much and how proud I used to be of what I wrote back in the day. Which is not to say I’m not proud now, but it was just such a sharp dip in quality it was impossible to ignore.

So I didn’t.

I paused NaNo, moving it to another month. I paused writing for everything but work, which with our season coming to an end I will also get a rest from soon, too. I kinda paused in general. For the first time in a while, I finally forced myself to switch off. Rest.

The reason why I haven’t been on here is simple: guilt and not having energy to be on here. I like making my blog a safe space for everyone. Similar to escape it has become for me. I couldn’t pretend I was fine when I wasn’t. I felt obliged to perform and being here became exhausting. I haven’t been checking my inbox. Haven’t done much of anything except occasionally dropping by and reblogging a random post so people know I’m alive.

And that’s that, folks. That’s where I am currently. Resting. Completely exhausted mentally but resting. Getting my energy back.

So where does that leave us, huh? If you read this far, dunno what to tell you. Thanks, I suppose. It’s still odd to think people actually care about my existence sometimes.

I know what you’re likely thinking, too. So does this mean COA is never gonna be finished? What is gonna happen to it? Are you abandoning it?

The answer: no. 17 out of 25 chapters and 250k+ in, I’m too far in not to give it a proper conclusion. Not because I owe it to anyone other than myself. I want this story to be a stepping stone for my future as a writer. I want to prove to myself that I can get this done and finish it. As of right now (as you can no doubt tell with how long it’s been since last update) it’s on a soft hiatus while I rest. This rest? Not sure how long it may last. Right now, my plan is till mid December at which point I will reevaluate. Ideally, I finish the year with an update. But my New Year’s resolution is to finish COA. That timeline has become a little more murky now but, again, ideally it’s within the first quarter of 2021. Will that happen? I don’t know. And I don’t want to make false promises, either.

All I’m saying is that it will be done. I’m just no longer sure how long, exactly, it may take me to reach that Epilogue. I don’t expect many people to stick around for however long it may take me, but if you do, thank you. Truly. I really and deeply mean that.

So what’s on the cards for this blog in the meantime? Well, CP77 is coming out in under a month (if it doesn’t get moved again lmao rip) and I expect that to be my soft return to posting my writing on here again. We will see where the muse takes me, if at all. Regardless though, I’m excited.

One doctorate thesis later, here we are at the end of this really long rambling session. I hope that this has given you some perspective on things going on behind the scenes. I spared you some of the gorier details but I think this post has been long overdue. I suppose I, myself, was just too unwilling to face these things despite knowing about them deep down for a while now. I’m too self-critical not to notice but acting on correcting this behavior has been a whole other matter clearly.

Thank you for reading this post, my writing in general, and supporting me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m still around. More is on the way in the future. I’ll be seeing you all real soon. And all my love to all of you.

Love,

- Kat.

#kat speaks #blog psa #i suppose

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starrysupercell · 3 years

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Second paternal-centric piece, centered on the highly dramatic Graveyard Fam! The patchwork family <3

Do I put way too many serious thoughts in things? Maybe. But I am a storyteller.

Heavily headcanon based that I've mentioned before.

Warnings: mentions of formerly living in a toxic and neglectful environment, and a current abrasive and struggling relationship between Mortis and Frank.

Ask to tag.

🧟‍♀️📱 Picture Perfect 🦇🎧

Emz awoke naturally, opening her eyes, and blinking away the sleep. She stared up at her ceiling blankly. What a good day's sleep!

She pulled her arm from the tightly wrapped blanket around her and slipped it under her pillow to grab her phone.

She held it above her face to replace the ceiling as the point of interest in her line of sight. It was around 1:30 pm. What have people talked about ever since she went to sleep earlier that morning?

She began to scroll through posts, ready to begin her morning regime of giving only a few hearts to a handful of posts, and maybe even one or two coveted comments from her. (It was best to leave them wanting more!)

However, she froze in her browsing when she quickly noticed a trend in today's posts. A long winded paragraph by some random of how lucky they were, a meme about single mothers, grilling pictures.

Oh, today was no day to lay in bed for half an hour before beginning her day! It was Father's Day. Emz twisted around, trying to roll out of her bedsheets.

"Ogh, stupid covers--!" She grumbled despite the fact that she loved twisting herself up in them. It helped her sleep at night.

The zombie rolled too far one way and gave a cut off yelp as she fell clean off the bed and landed on the ground painfully on her stomach. How embarrassing, she huffed, peeved. She slapped the ground in frustration and pushed herself up with the same palm. She sat on her knees and leaned on her bed, fixing her hair with her other hand. Okay, fail, but at least nobody saw that.

Absent-mindedly, the teen brought her phone up again and unlocked it fluidly. She scrolled through a few posts and ended up giving the first like of the day.

"Wait, no," She said, looking up. She had a plan for today and everything! Emz stood up and slipped her phone into her back pocket. First up, the gifts!

She bounded over to her closet and opened it. There they were. Two gift baskets for today. One for her Uncle, and one for Frank. Emz smiled. They were handmade of course, because premade goodie bags were absolutely lame!

As if she would settle for giving anything less than perfection. No, she hand picked what would go into each basket, decorated and placed it to be aesthetically pleasing, and wrapped it up with a gorgeous ribbon. She's even refrained about bragging about any of this online, to keep it absolutely secret. Man, was she just amazing or what? That was rhetorical, of course. She knew she was flawless already.

Like an instinct to survive, Emz had her phone out of her pocket and in front of her once more, camera open. She winked and stuck her tongue out with a smile, and took a picture. She grimaced.

Ugh, she had to go through her morning routine first and then take another picture afterwards. This was a terrible excuse for a selfie. With that thought in mind, Emz stretched properly, and strolled to her bathroom.

"Talk to me, Franklin. You know it's a mutual effort." Mortis said, poking Frank's cheek. He was leaning over the back of the couch where Frank was sitting at. The big guy tilted his head away with a grunt. His eyes were trained on the television as he tried his best to tune out the vampires.

"...Is this still about the dishes?" Mortis decided to guess since he refused to answer. "I'll have you know that I got started on them the other day. But then I got a call that simply couldn't go unanswered." Mortis paused and studied the lack of change in grump level in Frank. Okay. Maybe not that. "...If this is about my bats, I am not making them sleep outside. They like it in here. Only Robata likes it outside." Still no answer. Mortis tapped on his chin. What else could possibly be on his spouse's mind? It was already hard to believe that Franklin was mad at him, but he was just not budging in giving any hints. (Yet again!)

"Ugh," Frank grunted. "It's not just about the dishes or the bats." He started to explain quietly. Mortis leaned in attentively with a small smile on his face. Oh, it was such a rare treat now when Franklin opened up to him. Even if this was about an argument, Mortis adored the fact.

"It's about the fact that you still make excuses for your laziness." He finished.

Mortis frowned. Except for when he spouted spiteful lies and insults! "They aren't excuses! I'm telling you what happened. You know, you're not the only who lives here, Franklin. There's a thing called--"

"Good afternoon~!" Emz called out, stepping down the staircase with flourish.

Mortis ruffled Frank's hair and lowered his voice. "Hold that thought." With a pirouette, he shot a cheerful grin at Emz. "Poisoned Apple! Good afternoon!" The gravedigger greeted. Frank was annoyed, but he held up a hand to wave at Emz pleasantly. With his other hand, he turned the volume down on the show he was watching.

"Hi!" Emz said, stopping right before she reached the bottom. She was using the railing to hide the baskets. "You guys know what today is, right?"

"....Sunday?" Mortis questioned happily.

"I guess so, yeah," Emz said, "But beyond that."

Frank blinked and shook his head lightly.

"It's..." Emz paused for dramatic effect, and then lifted the baskets into view. "Father's Day! Look what I made!"

"Ooh," Mortis smiled, fangs glinting. He held his arms out as Emz walked forward to hand him his basket.

"This is for you and--" she moved on to Frank. "--this is for you!"

Mortis marveled at the items he could see, and turned it to see it from a different angle. The plastic wrap crinkled as he did this.

Frank smiled at her as she passed it over to him. With just a glance, he could already see some of his favorite things in there, he placed it aside and stood, prompting her for a hug as he walked around the sofa.

Emz was wrapped and lifted up in his large stature, pleasantly smiling. "I'm glad you both liked it." She laughed, muffled.

"Naturally," Mortis remarked, "Your craftsmanship is to die for!"

Emz was finally let go by Frank, landing on the floor. "Oh, tell me about it," she smirked. "I stayed up a couple of days ago finishing those up and they turned out perfectly!" She flipped her hair with an obvious flourish. "You can go on gushing," she said, only half jokingly as she brought out her phone to idly glance through any messages.

Mortis laughed in amusement. Frank smiled patiently. Emz was sharp around the edges, but she was endearingly so. As long as she didn't go too far...

"Oh, yeah!" She put her phone away. "You should both, like get dressed up. There's an event on the beach later on tonight, and I was thinking we could go out today. Like... my treat."

"You?" Mortis voiced for both he and Frank. "You have money?"

"Yeah? I save up. Don't you?" She asked haughtily. "Or do you just not want to go?"

Frank gave short laugh, and patted his stomach in jest. Mortis shrugged in amusement, catching on to Frank's joke. "Well, if you think you have enough for Frank, we'll be your guests, sweetheart."

"Oooh, futuristic," Mortis marveled, taking off the wide-brimmed hat he wore as the Trio walked inside. They were at the Zero-Gravity diner. It was a part of Starr Force's attractions.

A bored-looking feline straightened up in attention as the doors slid open. "Welcome, Civilians!" She greeted from her silvery podium. "Feeling low on energy? If you want to help out Colonel Ruffs in his quest against the Dark Lord, you should fill up while you've got the chance." She recited in character, "Luckily, you're safe here, and we've got plenty of foodstuffs that'll fill you up! So, how can I help you today?"

Emz scoffed. Did Kit not recognize them or something? "You could have skipped the spiel. Like, you know that we're Brawlers, right?"

The cat blinked slowly, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "Okay. What do you want then?"

"I've got a reservation for three, under Emz."

Kit shifted her focus to the high-tech screen right beside her. It was see through. From the perspective of the Graveyard Trio, the images, texts and buttons were flipped.

Kit pressed through a few buttons, navigating through menus, and then confirmed Emz's arrival. "Alright. If you'll follow me." She picked up three devices from her podium, and began to lead the way through the restaurant. Her tail swished as she walked along.

When they got to the table, Kit waited until they were seated and placed the devices in front of the three. "Press the blue button to activate your menus." She said.

Mortis pressed it, and a holographic screen flashed into view, akin to Kit's own screen at her podium. He laughed. "This is spectacular! We should add a horror-themed restaurant to our section. It would be a hit!" Mortis exclaimed. "What say you two?"

"Ooh, that'd be sooo cute! I can run it." Emz said.

Frank grunted, and pressed the menu button. It didn't spring to life like Mortis' did, so he pressed it again, and then once more even rougher. It broke under his strength.

"Oh," Kit reached over. "Sorry about that. You can hand me the pieces, and I'll get you a replacement menu. I'll be right back." Frank did so, a bit embarrassed.

As soon as Kit was out of earshot, Emz laughed. "Our place won't have cheap stuff like here though."

Mortis grinned. Frank was less than amused and gave a shrug. It was simply an accident, and they shouldn't be rude about it.

Kit returned and activated the device before handing it to Frank. "Here you go. While you look through that, what can I get for you to drink?" She asked, readying a tablet.

"I'll have a peach iced tea." Emz told Kit.

"I'll have a glass of Merlot." The mortician decided.

Great. Now he'd have to drive. Frank rolled his eyes, and looked through the sodas.

Mortis looked over at him. "What would you like, Franklin?"

After eyeing the selections, he pointed out his choice. Mortis made a face and looked at Kit. "He'll just have a Coke."

"Okay. I'll get that to you. A waiter will be right out to get the rest of your order." Kit said. She departed from the table.

Emz hummed and stood up. "I'll be right back. Remember- order whatever you want! I'm paying." She reminded, smoothing out the cute dress she wore and then walking off towards the restroom.

Mortis watched her go, and then moved aside the menu device.

"Okay, Franklin. Let's talk." he interlocked his fingers like this was a business deal.

Frank ignored him, swiping through the menu.

"This is a fancier restaraunt. Emz is treating us, and you can tell how important this is to her, can't you? I hope you do."

Mortis paused for any telling gesture or expression, but Franklin remained quiet. The mortician continued. "Well, it'd be great if you'd drop the pettiness, if only for tonight. This is between us, not Emz."

Frank glowered at Mortis. Pettiness? Him? The big guy shoved aside the device now. He was tired of Mortis' tone and habits and everything.

"Don't even think of causing a scene here, Franklin," Mortis tensed up. "Think about Emz!" Frank frowned.

"Here are your drinks, Sirs." the black cat returned. She either didn't notice or chose to ignore the quiet tension at the table as she put the drinks down and then left.

Frank grumpily put his face in his hand. "Fine. But you're being a dick." Frank said.

Mortis was offended. "How!?" He asked indignantly.

"Drinking without even asking me, nitpicking what I want, and those are on top of the bats and dishes. And I bet you're ready with some excuse now too." Frank listed.

Mortis clamped his mouth shut. He was going to point out that it was only one, and that plain old coke at a more fancy place, really? But, that would just prove Franklin right. "Well," he struggled on what to say for only a second before finding a string. "You always keep things to yourself! How am I supposed to guess what you're thinking? You wait and get mad and then out of the blue, you just attack me!"

Frank furrowed his brows and looked aside, feeling a bit guilty.

"Hey!" Emz arrived and sat down, and scooched up in her chair. "You guys are being an itty bitty loud, you know? I'm sure you don't want people staring."

"Uhh..." Mortis said. "I suppose not. So... Franklin." He said awkwardly, trying to think of some different topic. "I think... our Brawl Ball strategy should change." He sighed, disappointed in himself. How weak of a subject.

Emz was puzzled and looked like she wanted to say something. So, of course, she did voice her thoughts. "Weren't you guys talking about, like being mad or whatever?"

"No....?" Mortis said. "Nobody's mad here. Am I right, Franklin?"

"Uh. Yeah." The big guy shrugged.

Emz pursed her lips. "Right... So this afternoon too?"

Mortis gave a tight smile. "This afternoon?" He pretended.

Emz was merciless in completely demolishing this lie. "This morning, when I walked downstairs, Frank was on the couch with the T.V. on. It wasn't muted, even though you were beside him presumably chatting. That's some weirdo way to talk if you weren't mad at someone." She said, matter-of-factly. "You think I don't know body language?"

"...." Mortis was stunned. Frank laughed at the absurdity. She had guessed it perfectly!

Emz crossed her arms though. She waited for Frank's chuckle to die down. "So, what gives? You two are going to start lying to me all of a sudden?" She looked between the two, waiting impatiently for an answer.

".....No." Mortis said finally.

"Then?"

The vampire faltered. "It's just that... well, you know. The discussions Frank and I gave, ah, doesn't have to do with you? So... why involve you?" Mortis managed.

"Okay? But, like, why lie about it." She repeated. She had an inkling about it now, given both of their awkward glances and fidgets. Her sharp tone softened, and she sighed inaudibly. Guess it was sappy truth time.

She looked down at the table, focused on the closed menu device. "I know you two argue. Like. Duh. That's normal. And, I'm guessing that you want to pretend like everything's peachy because you don't want to remind me of... well, you know who already!" She shook her head. "But I'm okay, really. I actually wake up on my own and not from endless yelling, and I'm not picked up hours late from wherever because you never agreed on whose turn it is to pick me up.." Emz paused, feeling quite at unease from sharing this, but pushed through. This was just another step at breaking her own tough shell. "What I'm trying to say is, simply arguing isn't going to remind me of my 'parents.' You two are leagues better, okay? I know you actually care about me. So you dont have to lie to me. Bicker and argue all day until your jaws fall off. You wouldn't be my Uncle Mortis and Frank without it." She smiled up at them.

Mortis had his upper face covered, just about already to cry. "Emz... I don't know what to even say..."

Frank leaned to her and gave her a kiss on her head. "It means a lot, sweetheart..." he said genuinely. Maybe he still had things to learn... He glanced over at Mortis who happened to look up then from his heartfelt pause. "I think I speak for the both of us."

They exchanged a soft smile.

"How about a picture?" Emz asked as she held her phone up.

"That sounds grand," Mortis sighed contentedly. Frank nodded with a smile.

The graveyard family bunched in together to fit into Emz's screen that she held up for all of them. On their way to posing for the perfect picture, their glasses were knocked down. The mixture of the three drinks short-circuited the menus, stained the white tablecloth and started to drip on the floor. Kit was walking by at that moment to check on another table when she saw the damage. That troublemaking team. Her tail swished around dangerously. She pulled a communicator out of her pocket and held it up to talk into it. She never took her eyes off of the Graveyard Trio. "Colonel Ruffs. This is MerXanary Special Agent Kit. Over."

"Roger!" He answered. There were squeaks in the background. No doubt the new Private was fooling around.

"There's Brawlers here giving me trouble. I'm requesting backup at the Zero-Gravity Diner. I'm going in now. Over."

"Willco." Colonel Ruffs confirmed. Kit pocketed her radio transmitter, and readied to Brawl.

Emz's camera flashed, capturing the moment.

#Brawl Stars #Mortis #Frank #Emz #Graveyard Fam #Mortis/Frank #Fortress #Neglect #Toxicity #struggling relationship #ask to tag

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x--daughters-of-darkness--x · 4 years

Text

Evanescence's Amy Lee on the Band's New Album, 'The Bitter Truth'

The singer is ready for the band's next era and to be seen as more than just a "cute frontwoman."

In the early aughts—when Juicy Couture sweatsuits dominated and The O.C.’s Seth Cohen was TV’s no.1 man—it was nearly impossible to not hear Evanescence’s “Bring Me To Life” piercing the airwaves. The throaty vocals and crushing guitar riffs help raise the single to number five on the Billboard Hot 100 and secure its certified platinum status. So it’s almost hard to believe that nearly two decades ago that level of success seemed unattainable for the band.

“From every angle starting out, we were the indie long shot,” bandleader Amy Lee recalls to Marie Claire from her home in Nashville. “Too many things about us didn’t quite fit the mainstream for it to be safe to spin [on the radio].”

She continues: “The biggest thing about us that was different, was that I’m female. The label insisted we had a male vocalist on the chorus of the song, to make it more familiar. I said ‘no,’ so they cut our funding, and I moved back in with my parents. I thought we were dropped. Instead, they called us a few weeks later with a compromise: We only had to do it on one song, and if we did it, they had a placement for us in a film that tied in the male/female theme and made the song have a bit of creative purpose.”

The film was the critically-panned Daredevil. But regardless of the film's flop, placement on the movie’s soundtrack bolstered the band’s pedigree. In a few short months in 2003, Evanescence went from playing clubs to an international stadium tour for their debut album, Fallen. The band catapulted to fame for their melodramatic, baroque-laced harmonies. And Lee, who was just 21 at the time, became revered for her “goth” rock princess aesthetic, flaunting heavy black eyeliner and sleek, raven hair.

Life quickly changed for Lee, who “wasn’t emotionally prepared to be so exposed.”

“I struggled with the differences between myself and my image, feeling like I was always coming up short of someone’s expectations, and frustrated about the lack of support I was getting from the people around me,” she says of the band’s early success. “I had to toughen up and fight for my place, my beliefs, my music, my band.” Lee’s internal battle ultimately prompted a shift in tone on Evanescence’s second album 2006’s The Open Door. “I stopped asking somebody to ‘save me,’” Lee says, quoting her “Bring Me to Life” lyrics, “and started making changes for the better.”

But it’s been nine years since Evanescence has put out any new material. “I needed to just remember who I was,” she says. “We had been going hard. I was just ready for a new chapter of my life.” So she started one. During the band’s sabbatical, Lee ended up writing music for a handful of films—including 2014 drama War Story and the romantic flick Blind (2017)—and recorded a children’s album featuring covers, as well as original songs. “I was really inspired to do something that didn’t sound like Evanescence,” Lee, now 38, recalls. “I needed an outlet to show some other sides of my personality for a while. That felt really good.”

At the same time, Lee was going through changes on a personal level: She relocated to Tennessee after living in New York for 13 years, had a son, now 6 years old, and suffered the loss of her brother. “It just sort of makes you zoom way out on yourself where you're looking kind of more existentially at life,” she says.

That perspective eventually evolved into something tangible: This year, the singer rallied the band back together. By February, Evanescence had a handful of songs ready to go. “We thought we were about to go on a big tour,” she recalls. The pandemic, of course, had other plans for the group.

But Lee was determined to put out music. Quarantine only made her need to create more salient. “I just wasn’t going to stop,” she says. “We were going to find a way, within the limitations, to do this now because I was not waiting anymore.” As it became harder to go into the studio, Lee worked with their producer, Nick Raskulinecz, alone. She met Raskulinecz in a parking lot, and he laid out the preamp, the compressor, and gear needed for recording while they sat 10 feet apart. The process was “unusual” but it worked.

The result is Evanescence’s forthcoming album, The Bitter Truth. “There are songs that are a part of this album that have been in the works for a decade, and songs that just started up this year,” she says. The material reflects how inspired the songwriter has become over time. “I get inspired being in nature, walking through the woods, looking up close at weird bugs,” she muses. But her biggest inspirations are the emotional experiences she’s had in her life, something that makes Evanescence’s music “as dramatic as it is.” “Things like losing someone you love, being a part of creating a new life.” Lee says. “[They] rock me on a deep level to a point where I feel like I have to make music.”

To usher in their new era, Evanescence released their slow-burning single “Wasted on You” in April. “I started writing [the song] on New Year’s Eve, and we got together and we finished it as a band,” she recalls. Evanescence didn’t intend for this particular track to be the The Bitter Truth’s lead single, but its meaning resonated more as lockdowns began, prompting a change in plans. “‘Wasted On You’ wasn’t supposed to be about this moment that we were all in—feeling frozen in time and stuck in place and wanting to break up with a moment and all those things—it just already existed and suddenly applied in a way that had more gravity than it did before,” says Lee.

Because of the overwhelming presence of COVID-19, April wasn’t the right time to release what they had intended to be their first single: the fierce political anthem “Use My Voice.” It instead debuted last week. “Our world is really messed up right now, and if we want it to change, then we can’t just sit around, complaining about it,” Lee says of the track. “We need to get up, speak out and use our voices, and make the change.”

For Lee, “Use My Voice” was a track that had been “bubbling” and “building” the past few years because of the state of the world and American politics. But she was struggling to find the right chorus to accompany the verses. To help her finish the track, Lee enlisted VERIDIA singer and friend Deena Jakoub. It’s something she couldn’t have imagined doing 15 years ago, when she felt like she needed to have complete ownership over her music to be taken seriously. “It was so hard to break through, and I had to fight so much for my rights beyond being a ‘cute frontwoman,’” says Lee. “Like, I’m a writer. I’m a piano player. I’m all these other things first, so hold on a minute before you count me out of the technicalities here. I never would have been open to that kind of collaboration [before].”

As one of the most powerful women in rock—a (largely) male-dominated category—Lee has had to simultaneously prove herself and get comfortable speaking up for her needs. Truthfully, she didn’t have much of a choice.

“I definitely have been the only girl in the room a lot in my life,” she says. While she has felt “empowered” by the number of women moving into diversified roles—producers, engineers, lighting technicians—she can’t help but acknowledge the challenges she faced: “You have to make your own space. You have to be the first one, make a great impression, be the most professional, the most on time and the most patient because you’re there and that’s not normal. You better prove that a woman does belong in the room.”

Amy Lee always has.

#Amy Lee #Evanescence #2020 interviews

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transarchivist · 4 years

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Do you have any podcast recommendations? I've listened to tma, wolf359, the penumbra podcast, and like...half of night vale. You seem like you'd know some good ones!

!!!

I Am In Eskew is an absolute all-time favorite of mine! It’s very firmly horror, but not tragedy. Think… WTNV but 1. on a personal scale, 2. actually terrifying, and 3. not benign. It follows David Ward, inhabitant of the city Eskew, as he chronicles some of the terrifying stuff that happens to him. Eventually, we hear from Riyo Dulae, a private investigator who’s been pulled into Eskew’s orbit. It uses place-as-horror in an astonishing way! It’s a finished product with 30 episodes and the ending is honestly amazing. I’ve listened to it several times. It’s very good. Listen to it. Please.

This got long, so the rest of the recommendations are under the cut, and in no particular order! (Eskew is absolutely my top recommendation lol) Particularly sad endings and ongoing series are specified.

Janus Descending is a finished and relatively short sci-fi horror series. It follows two xenoarcheologists (archeologists for aliens) as they inspect the site of an abandoned alien civilization. It’s told in inverse chronological order, alternating between Chel and Peter’s perspectives. Chel’s is chronological, while Peter’s is backwards. It’s an amazing format and keeps you suspended in the mystery up until the very end! It is a tragedy, though, and has a sad ending.

ars PARADOXICA is an audio drama about time-travel and the Cold War. The synopsis is this: scientist Sally Grissom accidentally creates time travel, is transported back to the Cold War, and is entwined with a clandestine branch of the US government. It’s 3 seasons long- and I will say that if you’re not good with differentiating voices I recommend either listening to it without stopping for a long period and/or reading along to transcripts. The plot is intricate but engaging and the large cast of characters each has their own unique personality. Plus: canon ace main character (as in she says she’s asexual! in canon!), a Jewish lesbian semi-main character, a mlm (bi?) man of color side-character, and several other characters of color.

Mabel is an ongoing horror podcast with elements of fae/fairy lore and the place-as-horror theme. It’s not as outright horror as TMA, Eskew, or Janus Descending, it’s much more atmospheric? It’s several seasons in, with the next season currently in production. It follows Anna Limon, who is an in-home caretaker, trying to contact Mabel Martin, the granddaughter of the woman Anna is caring for. It has lots of wlw, lots of moral ambiguity, beautiful prose, and lots and lots of fae.

Zero Hours is a 7 episode long anthology series by the creators of Wolf 359. Each episode deals with “the end of the world - or at least something that feels like the end of the world.” There’s 99-year intervals between episode and it starts in the past and ends in the far future. It’s honestly stunning and was well worth listening to in it’s entirety when it dropped (and subsequently staying up past midnight).

The Bright Sessions is… kinda urban fantasy? The official synopsis is that TBS is a “science fiction podcast that follows a group of therapy patients. But these are not your typical patients - each has a unique supernatural ability. The show documents their struggles and discoveries as well as the motivations of their mysterious therapist, Dr. Bright.” (I tried explaining but was having a tricky time) The characters are amazingly written and unique. (And no, it doesn’t fall into the “evil therapist” idea, in case you were worried) One of the main characters is gay (and it isn’t a throwaway line). It has good and realistic representation of mental illnesses: a main character as a panic/anxiety disorder, another has PTSD, another has depression, and so on. The main show is finished but there’s a spin off that’s being made. Specifically happy ending!

Alice Isn’t Dead is a horror podcast by the creators of Night Vale. It follows Keisha, a trucker, who is looking for her wife, Alice. Keisha encounters many strange things as she drives back and forth across America, including murderous almost-human monsters, places that are stuck out of time, and a nation spanning conspiracy. It encompasses the whole… atmosphere of middle-of-nowhere America perfectly. It’s a complete story with a novel form (haven’t had the pleasure of reading it, though). Main character is wlw, and Alice is not dead.

Limetown is a horror podcast. It follows reporter Lia Haddock as she investigates the mystery of Limetown- a town in Tennessee where over 300 people disappeared overnight, never to be heard from again. It’s finished…? I think the podcast is finished but a book and a Facebook miniseries are in development? Anyways. Sad ending. I loved the first season a lot, the second season is good too though!

The Adventure Zone isn’t an audio drama, instead it’s an actual-play show of Dungeons and Dragons (and D&D like systems). The McElroy brothers and their dad host it, and are frankly absolutely hilarious. TAZ: Balance is the first season and starts as a classic d&d game but turns into an amazing and heart wrenching story with beautiful prose and music. And also 69 jokes. TAZ:B is honestly one of the most emotionally impacting stories I’ve ever heard. It has an amazingly happy and hopeful ending. Includes: casual lgbt rep and a late game but major character is a trans woman! I’ve heard good things about the recently finished season TAZ: Amnesty, although I haven’t finished it. There’s a new season, TAZ: Graduation, that started recently, and I’ve enjoyed the handful of episodes I’ve listened to! Currently ongoing, but tragic endings aren’t something that’s expected.

I haven’t finished/caught up with these, but I’ve enjoyed them: Sayer (sci-fi. think menacing capitalist Night Vale in space, heard s3/s4 are really good), The Bridge (horror, alternate modern day. follows a watchpost on a bridge that crosses the Atlantic), The Orbiting Human Circus (from the people at WTNV. surreal fiction. hard to explain). I feel like there’s more but I can’t remember any atm.

I’m also gonna point you towards @theradioghost‘s blog and her podcast recs tag. Her taste is amazing and I haven’t disliked a single show I’ve tried. (Also, check out her show, Midnight Radio! It’s the next thing on my to-listen list.)

#podcast recs #ask #anon #cae speaks #mine

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capricornus-rex · 4 years

Text

A Path I Can’t Follow (9)

Chapter 9: Descent | Cal Kestis x Reader

Summary: It was a matter of life and death—the question is, should it be the life of many or one, the death of many or one? Cal Kestis makes what ought to be the biggest and hardest decision of his life as he is pitted with a question of high stakes and morals. He descends to the Dark Side and becomes an Inquisitor. A choice he openly made for the sake of saving you, even if you didn't know you needed it until it was too late.

Tags: Dark Side! Cal Kestis, Inquisitor! Cal Kestis

Also posted in AO3

Chapters: 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 | Previous: Chapter 8 | Next: Chapter 10 | Masterlist

9 of ?

Cere had waited for you outside the Mantis. Using her hand as a visor over her eyes, she patiently surveyed the plains for any sign of your coming. Behind you as the Varan galloped through the wilderness, a trail of dust gathered and then wafted up in the air—like a beacon in Cere’s perspective.

At first, she couldn’t make out much of what she’s seeing because she could only see a black speck in front of a plume of dust. You continuously snapped the reins to regain more speed—if there is any more the Varan could handle—until you became more visible to Cere’s view.

Cere couldn’t and didn’t want to believe what she’s seeing—there was only one of you. She told herself that Cal was probably sitting behind you, but every passing minute as you got closer, she was beginning to believe she was wrong.

You heeled the Varan and it reared in front of Cere.

“[y/n], what happened? Where’s Cal?”

You didn’t reply. You dismounted the creature, held its muzzle close to you for one final pet, and you stuck your forehead on the flat of its snout.

“Go find your way home,” you whispered before releasing the reins.

The animal, wild and free again, darted through the plains, becoming a dark moving speck in the wasteland until it disappeared. Cere repeated her question to you. BD-1 chirped a nonchalant “Hi” to the woman.

“Let’s go inside,” you said sullenly.

Upon your entrance into the Mantis, you were greeted with the same question asked by Greez, Merrin was as equally curious as the other two. You unbuckled the strap of your bag containing the holocron and dumped it on the couch.

“[y/n], what happened?” Greez asked again.

You take a deep breath, gathering the right words and finding the courage to even utter them as clearly as possible. Pacing around in small, tight circles as you look up at the ship’s ceiling while thinking carefully of how you’re going to put it to them.

“An Inquisitor has taken Cal. They’ve already fled the planet, I never caught up to him. I never saw him either,”

“But you two went together to the temple, weren’t you?” Cere pressed.

“We were ambushed by Stormtroopers when we got inside the temple. He told me to get inside the chamber and get the holocron, he held them off. When I got to the holocron, I think the Force gave me a vision of sorts, I didn’t realize that a long time had passed while I was under… then I got out of the chamber and I never saw him,”

“Was he kidnapped? Taken hostage?” Cere pressed.

You shook your head in reply.

“They… The Stormtroopers…” you trailed off at the thought of the massacre at the town, you couldn’t longer repress the tears welling up behind your eyes until they rolled down your cheeks, the sinking feeling in your heart made you choke on your words as you struggled to continue speaking. You lousily wiped away the tears in your eyes with your sleeve. Impulsively, Merrin approached and held you—putting her arm around your shoulder, whispering “It’s okay” while you regain your bearings.

“They slaughtered all of the people in the settlement. Every single person living there. The leader, he… he told me Cal gave the order!”

“And BD told all of that to you?” Cere confirmed.

“He was the only one with Cal that time, he must’ve let go or lost his grip in the middle of that massacre. Why wouldn’t I believe BD?”

“Where is he now?”

BD-1 repeated the same string of chirps and trills to everyone, but only you were able to translate it.

“The Inquisitors have another fortress,” you said softly. “In Koboth, that’s in the Mustafar System.”

“Captain, get ready for takeoff,” Cere firmly said.

“Copy that,”

Cere and Greez immediately strode to the cockpit, not sparing a moment and immediately setting themselves in work mode. You approached the holotable and typed the coordinates until a preview of the planet in its hologram form materialized. Koboth is thirteen parsecs away from Magyon.

The Mantis slowly hoisted itself off the ground while Greez made quick work of pressing buttons and flicking switches.

You sat on the couch—back slumping against the warm leather and arm crossed over your chest—BD-1 hopped off your shoulder and sat on the center table. Merrin sat down next to you, attempting to comfort you.

“Are you worried, [y/n]?”

“I am but… about many things,”

She rests her hand on yours, giving it a tight but gentle squeeze.

“Mostly worried about Cal?”

“Of course. I don’t know what I’ll see when I find him, and I’m not sure if I’m ready,”

Merrin leaned her head on your shoulder as she hugged you.

“I just hope he’s okay,” you sighed, clutching back Merrin’s hand and nuzzling your cheek on her silver hair.

The Inquisitor’s convoy had already gone to Koboth almost immediately after the slaughter was finished and when Cal thought he had finished off Razh. The planet—similar to its neighboring Mustafar—was also a volcanic planet, the only difference between the two alike planets are their skies: Koboth’s skies could be clear, grey, or dark. Large, black mountain ranges dictated the twists and turns of the lava rivers, deltas of magma branched out across the soil, possibly extending to the farthest reaches of the planet, geysers were also scattered across the arid, rocky plains. It was an unforgivable planet, it was a perfect itinerary for someone as formidable as the whole band of Inquisitors.

Another fortress rests atop a plateau, its onyx spire erecting through the cliff top where it overlooks a cluster of geysers on the obsidian plains; at the foot of the plateau, where a river of lava flows through, is an established Imperial facility and base hybrid.

The convoy had landed on the hangar of the fortress; Cal walked along with the Grand Inquisitor—tailed by a couple of Stormtroopers—together they appeared almost like master and apprentice. In the corner of his eye, the Grand Inquisitor glanced at Cal, sensing an inhibition that the young boy.

“Are you troubled?”

“Frankly, yes,”

This whole time, starting from the ambush at the temple until he boarded the Grand Inquisitor’s shuttle, all he could think about was you—what you would say, what you would think—once you see him again. Cal believed that while he may have guaranteed your safety for now, that doesn’t mean you will be immune from every Stormtrooper you bump into in any world you’re in.

He wanted you with him. Anywhere, anything goes—as long as you’re not separated from him.

“Of her? But you have already guaranteed her safety, have you not?”

“I’d much rather have her here with me. You don’t know what she is capable of,”

The Pau’an Inquisitor smirked and scoffed through his nostrils.

“Believe me, boy, I know enough,”

Once they’ve entered the fortress itself, they were greeted by Stormtroopers, straightening their backs and readjusting their grips on their blasters. They eased up when the Grand Inquisitor and Cal have walked past them, and then it was back to slouching. To Cal, it has always felt the same whenever he treads through the hallway of an Imperial base—cold, stale, inorganic—but now, all of it was beginning to change; he had begun to realize this is going to be his new life now.

Along the way, the Grand Inquisitor stopped in his tracks and turned his attention to the pair of Stormtroopers.

“Take Master Kestis to the quarters arranged for him,”

Cal jerked his head to the Pau’an who glanced back at him unsurprised. The young redhead did not say anything. His companion was polite enough to dismiss himself with his own reason before leaving him at the care of the Stormtroopers.

“This way, sir,” the Stormtrooper points to the general direction with his blaster.

The Stormtroopers took the lead with Cal walking behind them, he wondered if these troopers were any of the clones he had met or interacted with before the Purge. He shrugged away the thought and was escorted to a chamber.

“This is it, sir,”

“Thanks,” Cal barely made his mouth move to utter the words. Regardless, the Stormtroopers—having their task done—gave a curt nod at the boy and walked away, assuming patrol work in the base.

Cal stepped in and surveyed his new quarters. One entire wall was a glass window that gave a view of the lava rivers and the geyser patch outside the fortress. There was a single cabinet that was filed with medical supplies and consumables like food rations, stims, even smoke and flash bombs.

“Stims,” Cal muttered to himself. “Well, I guess we can restock, right, BD-1?”

He glanced over his shoulder, his stomach sank to his feet instantaneously when his little droid is nowhere to be found on his back. Suddenly, he was hysterical. He had lost BD-1 and couldn’t remember the last time he was sure that the droid was there clinging on his back.

“BD-1…? Little bud?!” he searched his room, nothing.

He wanted to head out and search his droid, but he was unsure how the Stormtroopers would react—he didn’t exactly fit in yet. He hesitated in stepping out of his room, instead, he opened the door and peeked out to see if BD was there waiting for him outside—probably waiting to open up the door for him.

Nothing. Just an empty hallway.

He retreated to his room, helpless and truly alone. He sat down on his bed.

“Oh no…”

Cal hung his head low, resting his forehead on the palm of his hand while his fingers combed his copper hair. He took deep breaths, hoping that BD-1 would not have been completely lost—he had hoped that you’ve picked him up along the way.

In the solace of his chamber, he sulked for a time, until he decided it’s pointless and attempted to meditate instead. However, he couldn’t seem to focus, something felt like hindering whenever he tried—it was unexplainable; if he strains himself, he loses control and is unable to properly meditate.

The sputtering of the geysers muffled through his glass wall interrupted his focus. He grunted in frustration as he jerked his eyes open. He strode towards the glass, watching the pillars of gas and vapor shoot up from their craters and then into the air, the viscous lava sloshed rather than flowed in streams.

He thought about the feelings he had mere seconds ago. His meditation felt hollow, the silence had terrified him, and he began to ponder what went wrong all of a sudden and why was he feeling like this. By the glass window, Cal ruminated on his choices, the outcomes it had brought, and the sacrifices that were made whether the price was steep or low; but above all of this, you were the first of his many thoughts—your voice, your cheerful laughter that escaped through your sweet smile, and the way you looked at him.

At the corner of his eye, a ship was spotted in the distance and he instantly recognizes it just by the way it did its landing cycle.

The Mantis.

You’ve taken over co-pilot where Cal originally sits, assisting Greez in piloting the ship as you would. As the captain prepared the landing cycle, you stared through the windshield, glaring at the raven-black tower that nestled between the cliff tops. A feeling crept onto you—it was cold and heavy, but there was a familiarity to it.

“Cal’s there, I know it,” you uttered particularly to yourself, you didn’t care whether they heard it or not.

The Mantis finally touches the rocky terrain of Koboth for the first time. You jumped out of your seat, Cere called your name but you ignored it—you were too eager to find him—when a second mention of your name wasn’t enough, she caught up to you and grabbed you by the arm.

“[y/n], please wait!”

“Cere, please! There’s not much time!” you burst.

“I know you want him back—we all do, like you—but please, don’t be reckless,” Cere shook your arm, her grip evidently tightening as she spoke every word.

You finally afforded a moment to calm yourself and breathe. You heeded her words.

“I won’t be reckless. I will find him and I’ll bring him back home,” you firmly swore, looking deep into Cere’s eyes.

She nodded but said nothing. Then suddenly—perhaps because of the emotions swirling inside her—she throws herself to you, taking you in her arms’ embrace. She brought her lips close to your ear.

“Do not let your fear and inhibitions trample on what you believe in,”

Cere may not have seen it, but your eyes lit up—it was the same, exact words that the voice of your master had said to you in the holocron’s chamber—the slight movement of your head proved her that you understood well and have taken the words to heart.

“I won’t,” you replied, embracing her back. “I won’t.”

The woman pulled away from the embrace, but kept her hands on your shoulders, giving them a slight shake.

“Okay,” she breathed. She raised her hand to your cheek, cupping and then caressing it. “Go on now. May the Force be with you.”

You nodded and turned around to the door. When you stepped out of the ship and finally got a feel of the planet’s environment, you had wished you could have brought the Varan along with you—it would have still served its purpose when crossing this kind of terrain. No use in whining about it, you thought, and hiked the entire mile from the Mantis’s landing spot to the fortress.

Little did you knew that Cal had spotted you. Squinting through the glass, he found you sprinting through the expanse of the obsidian flats, the hem of your poncho flapping through the wind as you ran, and he watched you close in on the fortress.

The Force still guided him, even if his connection was reducing into fragments like it was once before he met Cere, it connected him to you, gave him hints on where you might be; with his unseen guide, he darted through the confusing and winding annexes and hallways of the fortress, blatantly ignoring the Stormtroopers that gave him weird stares even with their emotionless helmets.

Cal, please, be with me. You prayed while prowling the hallways, engaging in fights as scarcely as possible.

Cal sprinted and hurriedly followed whatever it is that was shepherding him to you. Clearly, it was the Force—indescribable but certain. Coming from the west, he ended up in the main elevator lobby—the center of it all. Finally, the two of you have crossed paths; your sneaking off and your scaling of the place just to be out of sight from the enemies and the workers there—even if they were just droids.

Your eyes meet.

“[y/n]…” that is all Cal uttered.

For one, you were thrilled to see Cal safe and sound and seemingly unscathed. There weren’t visible wounds on his face, no tears and rips on his clothes—he was perfectly fine. You could’ve sworn you even saw his eyes light up and the corners of his lips curl up when he found you.

And yet you feel something ominous exuding from him. There was no doubt about it and there was no other way of explaining it. Your smile was a short-lived one. You stepped closer to him, close enough to touch him again—you cradled his cheeks with your trembling hands and looked into his eyes—and in that moment, you’ve confirmed what you’ve been fearing this whole time.

It was the Dark Side of the Force.

“Oh, my love, what have they done to you?” you gasped.

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goldenpctals · 3 years

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TRUTH BOOTH, elodie edition

GENERAL QUESTIONS

1. Please state your full name: My name is Elodie Yoon-ah Gwan 2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it? Not completely sure? I know Elodie is some kind of flower and Yoon-ah means ‘light of god’ 3. Do you have any nicknames? Sometimes people call be El or Ellie 4. Where were you born? And in which country? I was born in Seoul, South-Korea 5. What is your date of birth? January 4 in year 1996 6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? I’m a Capricorn 7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? Sometimes? I like to think so? 8. Where do you live? I live in Violet Springs, in Violet Heights to be exact 9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) I live with my two dads, Edwin and Jonah and with my sister, Ruby 10. Do you have any siblings? Yes, I have two sisters. Ruby and Issy Rosini 11. Do you have any kind of allergies? Not that I know of 12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? Ruby has the most dogs in the house. However, I have a white cocker spaniel. His name is Baloo and he’s the cutest 13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? Because I love performing, singing and music 14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? A few. My English wasn’t really that good at the time. I still struggle with it every now and then 15. What is the current course you’re following? I study to course Music 16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? If I had to switch, I’d probably pick dancing. It’s one of my greatest loves 17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? So far? My song named Solo. I heard it reached millions of views which is crazy 18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? There are a couple. If I keep going I’ll be talking for a couple of days 19. Do you like FanCons? Yes. I love them! 20. What do you like about FanCons? Getting to meet my fans. I didn’t know I had so many people who care about me and my music. It’s a nice feeling 21. What don’t you like about FanCons? It can be overwhelming at times 22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. A fan gave me a painting and it still hanging above my bed. I just love the vibe of it 23. Your favorite event so far? Hm.. Any kind of charity event 24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? I think this is done before, but St Judes vs. other universities 25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? I would. I think this is the perfect place to chase your dreams

PERSONALITY QUESTIONS

26. What are your positive traits? I’d like to say that I’m realistic, patient and hard-working 27. What are you negative traits? Probably that I tend to look shy, I’m very cautious and I don’t trust people so easily 28. What would other people describe you as? A shy and awkwar bean 29. What are your pet peeves? Slow walking... 30. What makes you happy? Music makes me happy. Being with friends and family. Just be around good energy 31. What makes you upset? Seeing anyone I care about upset 32. What is something you love? The universe. I’m obsessed with the moon and the stars 33. What is something you dislike? Anger. I don’t really know why people get so angry or caught up over something 34. What are you strengths? My patience 35. What are you weaknesses? I have quite a few, so I’ll PASS this one 36. A misconception people often think of you? I don’t think I’m here long enough? But if I had to say something, probably that .. I have no idea 37. Do you have any fears? Yes 38. What scares you the most? Losing myself again 39. What do you do to entertain yourself? I make songs and go to the studio 40. What is your MBTI? I think it was ISFP 41. How do you deal with stress? This is something I struggle a lot with. I usually sit on a rooftop and I write down how I feel in lyrics.. I just tend to look at the moon a lot too 42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? Determind 43. Do you consider yourself selfish? No, I think I put people’s feelings over mine 44. Would you like to be different? I wish I was stronger, mentally 45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? Introvert

ROMANCE QUESTIONS

46. What is your sexual orientation? I consider myself heterosexual 47. Current relationship status? Single 48. When was your first kiss? It was a couple of months ago 49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out on a proper date so.. 50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? Unfortunately, yes. But no because of romance 51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) No 52. If no, how so? There’s.. this.. like, wall that’s up pretty high? I’ve been through a lot and I refuse to get hurt again. I think I’m just really scared to fall in love with someone. I have experienced crushes.. Now I have a small one on someone I know I can never be with 53. How do you know when you’re in love? n/a 54. What would be your ideal date? My ideal date would be somewhere nice and quiet, maybe like at a lake or beach and a picnic to get to know each other 55. What is your perspective on marriage? When the right person comes, I’ll be open to it. But for now? I’m way too young to get married 56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? n/a 57. What do you think of relationships? I think it’s beautiful how you can share your love with one another 58. What do you think of one-night stands? I’m not someone to do this. I’d rather get to know someone first before I do anything else. Plus, I want to be super comfortable first and even then, I’d only be intimate when I would be in a relationship 59. Are you still a virgin? Yes, I am 60. Most attractive trait in a different person? Loyalty and caring 61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? Being truthful with one another. And also, be patient with one another 62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? I’m not completely sure. I don’t really like when someone is extreme. I think I’d prefer just holding hands or a hug? 63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? The type to be asked out, I guess? 64. How do you express love to the other? I think I express my love to others by making sure they’re okay? I don’t really know how to answer this 65. Who is your celebrity crush? Ji Chang-Wook.... He’s so so so dreamy

GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS

66. Do you regret anything? Yes 67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? I’m so grateful for where I am now. However, my past is really hurtful but even though, life goes the way it’s supposed to go.. right? 68. What is something you would never share with anyone? There are so many things that people don’t know about me or my past. Ruby knows a lot.. but she doesn’t know everything yet and I don’t think I can ever share my memories with someone 69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? Just a couple of days ago. I suddenly felt overwhelmed after Felix’s birthday party. Probably a lot of, held back emotions at once 70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: Solo being accepted by so many people. It’s still a miracle to me 71. One thing you wish you could do all over? Nothing 72. Someone you miss? There isn’t anyone that I currently miss 73. Something you wish you could forget? My past 74. Who has the biggest impact on you? Ruby 75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? I think it can be beautiful in ways but it’s so scary, though? Love can be so hurtful. I’m not totally against it, I love to love, but --- it’s pretty unpredictable 76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? Anything that I went through the age of 17 until I was adopted by Edwin and Jonah 77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? Something I gained? A family. Something you’ve lost? Myself. But I’m doing very well in finding myself again. Something I let go of? Not much. My mind is still full of things that I wish I could forget 78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? Not really? 79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? I have panick attacks at certain events or scenarious? (OOC: She has PTSD and has 2 triggers, however, this hasn’t been diagnosed yet) 80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? You’re happy and you’re doing well. However, in a bout a year or so, someone is going to take you away from your family and you’re going through the worst pain in your life. Someone will introduce themselves as some kind of angel to you, but they will turn out to be your worst nightmare. You will go through a lot. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. This may seem to go on for forever, but you are so strong that you are going to get through this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you....

RANDOM QUESTION ROUND

81. Summer or Winter? Summer 82. Cats or dogs? Dogs 83. Beach or mountains? Beaches 84. Phone calls or texting? Phone calls 85. Have you ever skipped class? Only when I was dealing with mental health or sickness

#stjudestruthbooth

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velcroheartstrings · 5 years

Quote

When I was sixteen, I fell in love with the idea of love and this blindly led me to someone who was not even worth a single glance never mind months of my time but he told me all the sweet things I wanted to hear and I stuck around for the false sense of validation. Months passed and it was too late before I realised the love I was drinking from was laced with shards of selfishness and manipulation. He didn’t love me; he loved the way my naive submissiveness fed his ego. I let him in and he locked the doors and tried to repaint my once yellow walls to shades that led to me not being able to recognise my own shadow. When I was eighteen, rebuilt and glowing once again, I promised myself I would never let my longing to be loved lead to heartbreak again. I built walls ten foot high that ran for miles and miles and kept any potential love interest at arms length, afraid to suffer again. But then I met a boy who took his time to earn my trust. We started out as friends; exchanging messages for hours at a time and before we knew it, months had passed and although unspoken, we both thought of each other as a safe place. We shared similar dreams. Goals. Music. Perspectives. I thought I was lucky; one of those people who meet their soul mate while young. I was led to believe, after a year, that he might just be the one I marry. I was exploding with excitement and hopes for our potential. I thought I could share anything with him but when I did- when I shared the most important part of my heart he had ever come to hear, he heard me but he didn’t listen and ran for the hills. Now, three months before my twenty first birthday, I look back on these past two heartbreaks with a scarred heart full to the brim with gratefulness. I am content and joyous because what I did not realise during these dark times is that life was preparing me for the love of my life. The introduction of seemingly perfect matches was to show me that the person I would marry will be unlike any pre-planned criteria I had in my head and that he would cradle my heart so carefully it would make me feel re-born again. Indeed, he will not be perfect but I will love the imperfect parts of him a little extra and wrestle him to the bed with loving arms and kisses when he dwells on them. He does not have either the hair nor eyes younger me pictured but they have grown to become my favourite colours. He loves me both selflessly and unconditionally and never expects a single kiss in return- although I do so anyway. He fills my glass before his own and insists on giving me his jacket when I am too stubborn to bring my own. He can tell when I am sad without me breathing a single word. He takes on my pain when I am struggling and goes out of his way to make me laugh and show me that he is on my team. He is gentle and patient, kind and strong willed- hilarious and crazy. But most importantly of all, he accepts me for who I am. He knows all my fears, worries, dreams, struggles, likes and dislikes and chooses to love me anyway. He remembers small details anyone else would forget. Sometimes I look at him in complete awe and he looks back with so much love in his eyes it genuinely chokes me and I have to take a moment before talking or else I will be pushed to tears. I did not ask him to prove to me that loving again would be worth it but he took it upon himself to do so without asking permission. To this day, he continues to go out of his way to remind me that I am more than what I have grown up to believe and because of him, I am confident what it means to love and be loved in equal measures and I can say, hand on heart, that I have never experienced such peace- like that moment when you first dive under water and everything silences; it just stops. Time escapes. Worries wash away. There is a warmth that cannot be explained. I, myself, have never been a religious person but each night before I sleep, I find myself desperately praying for as many years as possible so that I can continue loving this man exactly the way he deserves. And then I sleep, soundly, without a single worry about the next life knowing we will always make our way back to one another in the end.

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ninjamagines · 4 years

Link

Trauma: Understanding Resilience and the Mind-Body Connection from an Eastern vs Western Medicine Perspective

Looking for a massage that goes deeper than deep tissue? While massage is often about finding that sweet relief from the daily wear and tear we put on our bodies, sometimes it has a deeper purpose. When working in the context of trauma and its connection to our mind, body and spirit, there is a wealth of wisdom that can be applied to aid in understanding where trauma comes from and how our bodies keep the score of the trauma we experience in our lifetime. Our trauma trained Massage Therapists here at Peace of Mind Sacred Wellness can help you to uncover emotional holding and tension patterns and reclaim your resilience while gently meeting you where you are: with non-judgement and un-opposing of opinions, world beliefs, religion, race or sexual identity.

Everything Changes

That’s the universal nature of outer reality and inner experience. Therefore, there’s no end to disturbed equilibria as long as you live. But to help you survive, your brain keeps trying to stop the river: struggling to hold dynamic systems in place, to find fixed patterns in the variable world, and construct permanent plans for changing conditions. Consequently, your brain is forever chasing after the moment that has just passed, trying to understand and control it.

Eastern Perspective on Trauma

In Buddhist tradition, how successfully we manage our trauma is determined by our movement on the path to enlightenment. The goal is to maintain the awareness and presence to life’s challenging circumstances, and to prevent falling into the abyss of a fixed negative life orientation, which then becomes the focus of identification as “self.” For example, if one asks the question, “Who are you?” the answer might be: “I am a rape victim”; “I am a tsunami victim”; “I am a cancer patient”; “I am a refugee.” In these identifications, the person has lost the multi-dimensional reality of their humanity, and has attached themselves to the toxic or negative situation in which they find themselves – even though it is only one aspect of the whole individual and to provide a path out of – or at least toward reducing – suffering.

To understand trauma and suffering, we need to understand how the brain works. The brain continues to produce simulations even when they have nothing to do with staying alive. Simulations make you suffer. The simulator pulls you out of the present moment. Clips in the simulator contain lots of beliefs, mini movies that keep us stuck. We all suffer sometimes and some people suffer a lot. Compassion is the natural response to suffering, including your own self compassion. Because self-compassion is more emotional than self-esteem, it is a powerful tool to reduce the impact of difficult conditions. It builds resilience.

“The root of compassion is compassion for oneself.” -Pema Chodron

Western Perspective on Trauma

In Western traditions, through an Integrative approach, we heal trauma in part through Mind/ Body medicine and the understanding of resilience. Resilience allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back at least as strong as before. Rather than letting difficulties overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes.

Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make a person resilient, such as:

a positive attitude

the ability to regulate emotions

the ability to view it as a form of helpful feedback

Trauma occurs when our biological systems are pushed past a threshold of tolerance and remain stuck in the survival strategies such as flight, fight or freeze. How is it that one person’s trauma can be overcome while another seemingly less traumatic experience is their demise?

These very questions led researchers, scientists, physicians and psychologists to the “understanding of resiliency.” Resiliency is defined by our ability to adjust to a changing environment. Our parents helped form our “core map”. That core map stays the same BUT we don’t live in the core map, our territory continues to change.

The response to trauma in the body comes from the mind. It is the meaning we give an event, not the event itself that creates a response. We will call it a “Memory.”

The Mind Body Connection -Our Brains Territory MAP

The Memory filters through the Brain to create our:

Beliefs

Values

Attitudes

Language

Decisions

Experiences

Physiology

We then assign Meaning through:

Language

Physiology

State/Emotions

The meaning we assign may be conscious or unconscious. It is best to understand it on a conscious level using words to translate the event/experience. The person with the most flexibility has the most catalyst for change. This then creates a Behavior Response through the experience of the event itself, the observation of that experience and then how we imagine that experience. We assign a tiny map in the brain that is now part of the larger territory map. All day we are creating tiny maps that contribute to our larger map.

Resilience directly relates to the breadth of our map.

The larger vocabulary and meaning we can assign to an experience will allow for more diversity, contributing to a larger territory to respond to. The client may change their territory, change their map or they may need to leave the map. Sometimes in leaving the map they can gain an understanding of their territory and their stressor.

The question becomes, can you adjust the meaning of your trauma/suffering?

“How am I processing the territory map?” The How is the meaning you give it. What did you say to yourself? Can you now make choices closer to your core values? Your mind-body map is helpful in understanding how patterns of tension form in your body’s tissue.

You can assist yourself and begin to work with your trauma by:

Effect change by noticing the meaning that you assigned to the event.

Become aware of the language you use to describe the event.

You are an empowered partner in your own healing journey.

The Story Under Tension Patterns

Tension patterns are often what motivate you to get a massage. They are bands of tightness. The Physical pattern where we continually or repeatedly hold tension in the body. At Peace of Mind Massage and Sacred Wellness we have Trauma Trained Massage Therapists that are aware that muscular and whole-body responses to an overwhelming event can remain stuck in a stress response or pattern of tensions in your body.

Occurrence of patterns:

once = the event

twice = noteworthy

three times = pattern

Patterns create the problem. The Problem may present to you as sleeplessness, nausea, tension, pain etc.

Working with your Emotional Release

Our practitioners are trained to support you in your own feeling and can assist you to back to health by acknowledging, accepting and supporting you just as you are. If you have the intention of working with your feelings during a massage session we will respond to your breath and movement and will assist you in releasing holding patterns. A large percentage of holding patterns in the body are because of emotional repression, emotional denial and emotional avoidance. So, when releasing a holding pattern we are also touching and supporting your emotional body.

Why Emotional Release Happens

Underneath most of our myofascial holding patterns is repressed emotional trauma. Now we have an understanding that our emotional trauma is held in the soft tissues of the body. The concept of tissue memory is fundamental to our understanding of the connection between bodywork and emotional trauma release. Cellular structure and the electrical energy body have the ability to retain memories.

How Emotional Release Manifests

Releasing emotions in sessions is supported by encountering areas of the body that are tight, where energy is blocked and fluid flow is restricted.

Basic rules to work with your emotions as they emerge so as to not create or reinforce a holding pattern.

Avoid:

Self Judgement – The most damaging to your self compassion.

Withdrawal – Can leave you feeling abandoned or isolated.

Avoidance – Pushes them deeper into the tissue and reinforces a pattern of tension.

Acknowledge:

Accept emotional expression – It is okay to have tears.

Integrate the experience: • Be present with your emotions as they arise • You do not need to do anything • Feelings are not harmful • Keep breathing • Feelings are not problems to be solved

Support for your Multidimensional Body

Wear protecting and supporting crystals and stones:

Amethyst is the stone of higher consciousness. If you are looking for connection, protection and more spiritual awareness. ◊ Smokey quartz is a powerful protective stone that clears and cleanses negative energy. ◊ Black obsidian is a very powerful protective stone. It repels negativity and disperses unloving thoughts.

Use Imagery: Imagery stimulates the right hemisphere of your brain. For example, you might imagine myself deeply rooted as a tree, Your attitudes and emotions are blowing through your leaves and branches but your tree remains rooted and standing.

Practice Meditation

Be present with a mind that is quiet and malleable: ·Achieving such a state of mind requires that we first develop the ability to regulate our body and speech so as to cause no conflict. To quiet the mind practice awareness of the whole body. Try to experience your breath as a single sensation sensing the body as a whole. Whole body awareness supports the singleness of mind.

Be Present In Awareness Itself

Your awareness should be distinct from the potential intensity of the emotion. Remember that the emotions are contained within awareness itself. Simply notice that awareness, and find the place within it that it is safe to explore your thoughts and emotions. Resting in awareness brings a beautiful sense of inner clarity and peace. As we individuals grow in our resilience, we become better at being present, aware, and conscious. If we can learn to live with an open heart, we will be able to remain strong in challenging conditions.

When we become aware that we are closing down, it is an opportunity to lift ourselves up. Herein lies the chance to reverse an old pattern that keeps us stuck in our trauma story, therefore stuck in a holding pattern within the body.

“We all start at different levels of unconsciousness, but wherever we are, we can always improve with practice” -Pema Chodron

Give us a call at 303-881-5533 to speak with our receptionists and find the trauma informed massage therapist who is right for you. Visit us 7 days a week, Saturday and Sundays 9-6pm and Monday through Friday 9-8pm at 1249 S. Pearl Street, Denver, CO 80210.

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spockandawe · 5 years

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No one’s asked about ratchet and drift yet? If you still wanna talk about characters, I would love to hear about your impressions of them.

Ohhh, HECK yes!! I keep thinking I’m done, but then the exact perfect characters keep dropping into my inbox, and no ragrets, babey! Ratchet first, Drift in another post, but I mean... there will be significant overlap :P

First impression: Ratchet was one of the characters who stuck with me! I love the grumpy-but-compassionate archetype, and he is just... ideal. His stress over his hands wearing out stuck with me, everyone’s respect for his skill stuck with me. And the character blurb saying ‘compassionate, but not as compassionate as he once was’, THAT really hit me good.

Impression now: I keep saying ‘oh my god, I love [x]’, but it’s true XD He’s really interesting to me. The atheism and grumpiness and lack of spirituality, those set up some character clashes with Drift that I never expected to really... resolve? And the way he’s critical of Drift, personally, as well. I shipped it, but I was sure it would be a fanon thing, because that’s a pretty significant barrier to a healthy relationship and the story will probably focus on other things. But it didn’t!!!! I love Ratchet past his relationship, but the development of that relationship really drew a line under his best traits. There’s the compassion he shows while everyone else is shouting at Drift as he leaves the ship (for a crime he didn’t do), and he’s the only one to go help Drift when Atomizer throws a pipe at him. He had an antagonistic relationship with Drift, but he’s still the one to act on his discomfort with Rodimus’s avoidance and go bring Drift home. And once he and Drift reconcile, he so much more respectful when it comes to Drift’s beliefs! Not just in terms of religion either, he’s more respectful of Drift’s ideas and opinions about everything. It’s just... so choice, it really showcases what an amazing person he is.

Favorite moment: This is incredibly hard for him, r00d :c I’m picking two. Drift and Ratchet on Delphi, for one. The scene is set for how dangerous it is for Drift to be on the DJD’s homeworld and for how nasty the rust plague is (and how it’s passed on by touch). And when Drift starts dying, Ratchet is right there, holding his hand, telling him that no he’s not going to mercy-kill him, they’re going to get through this a different way. When Drift drags himself up to the roof and saves Ratchet from Pharma, that’s just the icing on the cake. And then..... ‘my beloved Ratchet’. Oh my GOD. That was unbelievable. It’s the most striking, painful note the comic could have hit for Ratchet right then, and it’s absolutely divine in terms of the context it gives all their earlier scenes. And I mean... Drift comforting Ratchet right after this doesn’t hurt at all either, it’s a really nice background moment showing the balance in the relationship, that they’re both getting something valuable out of each other instead of only one-sided support.

Idea for a story: This is the TFA drift/ratchet story I originally meant to write XD So originally, I remembered that oh hey, tfa decepticons are lorge, what if size kink dratchet. But in the supplementary materials, Drift pretty much has a Blurr body. So... why am I writing him in a bigger body? And then I got lost in justifying that and establishing their dynamic and never actually GOT to the size kink portion of the story. I knew that was going to happen, I’d made my peace that the porn wouldn’t fit tonally as a single fic. But I’m still totally going to write it :P So the story is going to be covering Drift recovering from the full-body transplant, where Ratchet is not going to be down for relationships and especially not down for sexytimes until Drift stops being his patient. He let Drift kiss him post-surgery and gave him the go-ahead for later. Drift... doesn’t want to wait for later. SO. I’m furthering their relationship from a semi-not-really-platonic viewpoint, until eventually, sweet and tender sex. Writing Ratchet being really, really bad at recognizing other people’s soft and vulnerable emotions is a delight, and Drift is so nice to write him against, because Drift is very open in some ways, closed off in others, and resilient in some ways, while also being very insecure in others. They contrast beautifully, and it makes writing them happy together so satisfying!

Favorite relationship: Okay, I’m going to talk about dratchet in Drift’s post, so here? Pharma. It’s so FASCINATING!!!!!!! Drift and Ratchet are opposites in a lot of ways, but Pharma and Ratchet are so similar! And through Ratchet, we get hints of what Pharma could have been, what he used to be, and why his present everything is such a shock. And Pharma, god. He draws a beautiful line under how Ratchet’s flaws can really hurt people. We get hints of that with Drift, like when Ratchet gives him shit over religion, but Drift usually shrugs that off in a relatively short period. With Pharma... some of it is subtext, like Ratchet being (eventually) willing to forgive Drift’s past as Deadlock while coming down incredibly hard on Pharma even though the DJD was blackmailing him. And Pharma doesn’t make it EASY to forgive him either, he keeps leaning into what he’s done and finding ways to escalate further. But like... I’m not doing this justice, but he knows Ratchet very, very well, and it feels like he knows the best ways to push Ratchet’s buttons and STOP Ratchet from ever softening towards him. I love it as a dumpster fire with a tender past, like cdprowl, and it has the potential to explore so many emotional extremes between the past and present, and I can’t get enough.

Unpopular opinion: Hm. I always struggle here. Maybe past healthy Pharma/Ratchet is an unpopular opinion? I’ve seen it most often written with Pharma already having some sharply toxic habits, but their backstory and his business with tyrest’s space bridge barrier make the most sense to me if this spiral is a recent, abrupt development, and not what he used to be. Slash I also like my dratchet best if it has a healthy dose of snark and giving each other affectionate shit. Extreme tenderness is great and I love it, but Ratchet is so naturally caustic and Drift is so naturally snarky that it doesn’t feel right in the long term without some of that dynamic slipping back in.

Favorite headcanon: I’m not sure how much here is headcanon vs subtext, BUT. That shadowplay arc, man. Ratchet being so compassionate and encouraging with Drift and telling him that he’s something special. And that stuck with Drift. Spoilers, that’s my favorite Drift moment. But then... Drift didn’t follow Ratchet’s advice, but he held that encouragement close. And he did eventually make something of himself. As Deadlock. He was a vicious fanatic and mass-murderer for millions of years, where his eventual break from the decepticons came because he was angry his commander wasn’t killing more autobots. He eventually regretted that, but this was his life until recently. And meanwhile, Ratchet knows who he is, Ratchet remembers giving him that encouragement, they both remember and think about it often. But from Ratchet’s perspective, he saved a dying street mech and told him he was special, and that mech went on to kill lord knows how many of Ratchet’s friends and allies. And now Drift regrets that, while knowing Ratchet’s perspective on the same issue. Ratchet knows that by saving this person, he inadvertently contributed to many, many deaths, and Drift knows he repaid the medic who saved his life and told him to make something of himself... by kiling lots of people. I’m not disappointed that their early interactions are frequently so edged, I wrote a whole meta about this thing. I’d be disappointed if things weren’t so tense between them, because this backstory beautifully informs the issues and regrets they’re both trying to process when it comes to each other.

#spock replies #ratchet #dratchet #pharma #transformers #ask memes/#kaesudd

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imitationpersonne · 5 years

Note

Lotus: Talk about a struggle you overcame (or are currently overcoming). How did it affect you?

Cute Flower-themed Asks

He exhales after a moment and speaks in a voice both resigned and rueful.

“Yeah… I guess I could talk about that. Nobody’s really listening right now anyway, and I can only imagine my therapist would think this is good for me. Trying to put this sort of thing in words to somebody who isn’t her… It’s funny; no matter how many times I’ve had to talk about it in therapy by now, it’s still hard to get it all out. I say ‘it’ like it’s just one thing, but of course, if it were just a single issue, things wouldn’t be nearly so complicated.

“We’ve rifled through so many nuances at this point, I can hardly imagine where to start now. Perhaps it’s best I answer the question that’s always the first on others’ minds. I was the only one to disappear completely this past summer break, to not show up to a single extra-curricular training session that–let’s be honest–was basically mandatory if any of us expected to be able to keep up for the rest of third year. And I showed up an entire week late to the beginning of the next trimester at that. So where did I go?

“There were plenty of theories regarding what I could have possibly been up to, some especially unsavory ones considering I had recently made…many more enemies, some of them my old friends and classmates. …Unfortunately, some of those rumors just happened to hold the truth. Kendou was the only one who actually knew anything, though. But she’s a good friend; she only ever told anybody exactly what I asked her to. I went to France. It was…a family matter.

“If it could be considered a ‘family matter’ that the only reason my parents sent me so far away was because they wanted to be absolutely certain no one who knew us would discover our shame. My shame…I guess… You see, I’d gotten into a bad spot at school. I’d become so bitter… Nobody was living up to my expectations, yet I myself never seemed to get the admiration I deserved. I got so angry thinking everyone was gradually turning on me–losing interest or judging me unfairly or stabbing me in the back in favor of others–I went too far. My drive to ‘give them all what they deserved’ had begun to put not only my enemies but my old comrades in danger. I admit now I let them down–even though I swear I was the one who felt let down by all of them.

“I was assigned school-sponsored counseling sessions, but really, what was there to help me with if the problem was with everybody else? …It didn’t work out very well, so…in the end, school administration gave me an ultimatum. Take a break to spend the upcoming summer away in intensive ‘behavioral therapy’ or face suspension and possible expulsion from UA. So I went. (No, not that easily, but that doesn’t matter.) It wasn’t any real sort of choice, you know? So yeah, ha ha ha, Monoma really is crazy; he got pulled out of school and ‘locked up’ and everything! You see? How could I possibly tell anybody about this? Sometimes I can still only barely swallow it myself.

“Kendou only knew because I told her before I left, because…if the worst were to happen–if, for whatever reason, I were to never come back to UA–I needed somebody to understand what happened. Maybe it was silly, but…it’s terrifying to imagine being forgotten by absolutely everybody–for all the people who once knew me to just move on without me.

“So, I was banished to France. My mother’s an immigrant, and we’ve paid multiple visits and vacations to the country, so I suppose that was the first option to come to mind when my mother decided to expel me from my home country to distance my problems from her reputation. At least she had the benevolence not to spare expense for her dear wayward son.

“I hear it’s well-known for its ‘quality facilities and reliable treatment’. I promise I’ve only experienced the one, so my frame of reference for luxury mental health centers is limited. The way one of the other patients in my group described it, it was a ‘convenient place for rich parents to stick their kids when they were tired of dealing with them after fucking them up.’ Hah… She was a piece of work, honestly. But by the end, I don’t know if I could call her wrong…

“It’s not like there were actual crazy people. At least, they weren’t very crazy. Sure, there was a…frankly gorgeous boy–who saw things his quirk couldn’t account for and had stalked and threatened a few innocent people because he ‘knew’ they were criminals. (Hah, an aspiring hero, actually…) There was a girl who made a habit of hurting herself, who tried to get under everybody’s skin in the worst possible ways and ended up making all the people who passed through hate her, even though, I’m pretty sure she just secretly wanted to keep all of them there, with her. And there were plenty of others; every single one of them was different.

“But there was nobody wrapped up in straight jackets or tied to beds, no gowns or hospital-like sterility… It’s not at all like what you see in the movies, and I can’t say I was disappointed in the least with that discovery. That’s probably a different kind of place. Here though, it was mostly just…an assorted variety of unhappy ‘young adults’ without much hope or other place to go.

“That wasn’t me, though. I had plans; I was poised on the edge of fulfilling my dreams. I wasn’t some broken, lost reject reaching their dead end, and I had no intention of sticking around for long. I didn’t belong there, and I was determined to prove that. I knew I would be able to show them all this was clearly a misunderstanding, a mistake, and that I was fine.

“I admit I myself made some mistakes. I may or may not have broken a few (silly) rules more than once… I was angry and frustrated and bored and–… Well, I think Felix could probably be a whole story of his own. But looking back on it, I guess I can’t blame them for being unconvinced. It’s strange; it seems almost anything you thought was normal can look like mental illness when you’re already a patient. It was–… Sometimes I still can’t tell what’s okay and what isn’t.

“…In any case, after three weeks of things mostly being everybody else’s problem, they decided to keep me longer than the agreed-upon four. Which, finally, explains my absence for the first week of school. I was not pleased to hear this decision. I was so beyond displeased–didn’t even know that was on the table–that they could trap me there until they got what they wanted? And what was that exactly? Was I supposed to cry, admit to feeling hopeless, give them a sob story about my parents or confess to some flaw they could fix in me? It felt like I was being punished.

“I didn’t know what to do, but I had no choice but to try. I didn’t have time for anything else; UA would surely wait no longer. And do you know how hard it is to trust the people keeping you back from your life? These were the people who expected me to open up to them, the ones with the power to hold hostage everything I held dear. And what if I conceded the problems they were looking for? Wouldn’t that just prove I needed to stay longer? Being forced to expose yourself to the people looking to convict you… It’s such a trapped feeling, it could break a man.

“So I broke. …I don’t know… I said things, and the more I said, the more there was to look into. Eventually I said…a lot. Enough, I guess, to be shown a mirror, a framed reflection of myself and my life and the things that went on within it. And it was awful. The perspective was so off from what I was familiar with, it was almost unrecognizable. The things I was convinced–I knew must be normal, stupid unpleasant things that nobody talks about but everybody goes through and just has to get over– They’re not; they’re really bad–and I hated it. I still hate it so much–things I could have just ignored or forgotten about, now I can’t. Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it. And the realization, that I really am one of the broken people that belong here–facing the fact that I’m ruined, and I don’t feel like a whole person… The fact that there is no cure for all the things wrong with me; there’s no medication I can just take and make it all better, unlike some people; it’s just me; I’m stuck with all of this…

“… Sorry… I don’t think I’ve gotten through this still. If there was some happy ending I was supposed to receive by the end of my stay, I think I missed it. And I think it’s because, in the end, the administrators must have actually had ‘mercy’. It turns out they actually did care about me missing school and losing my opportunities…so it came down to a choice between my full recovery or my future. I must have made just enough ‘progress’ to be set free.

“Coming back has been hard in ways I didn’t know it could be. I actually am on medication now; though I’m pretty sure I didn’t have depression before… And I think the dose must still need adjusting.I’ve apologized to the people who deserved it, and of course, I’m still seeing a therapist… But I’m just so exhausted. Even after making up the week’s worth of missed work, it feels like I’m barely treading water, in school and…in general.

“I have some of my friends back, but I’m sure I’m not the same person to them. Somehow that’s not even a good thing. I just can’t seem to turn it all back on; it just feels so fake and falls apart. I can’t help but keep wondering if none of this should have happened in the first place. If I could just go back, forget I’ve ever learned anything, and just return to thinking the way I used to. I was okay–more okay than this, wasn’t I? Am I really looking forward to anything better? I didn’t have to know. –I know… I know living like that was toxic in so many other ways, that it wasn’t real, and I was hurting myself and other people. But my parents seem to be doing just fine operating the way they do, don’t they? If I could have made it work for me… –And what is real anyway? I don’t even know what makes sense anymore.

“This was the worst time something like this could have happened (though I can’t imagine what it would have been like saying what I did before I was eighteen; that could have been disastrous). Now, arguably the most important year, when I’m so close to graduation and supposed to be focusing on final internships and impressing prospective agencies the most… There’s just no time for any of this, and I can’t…

“I’m worried I left too early.I never want to go back there, but at the same time, I’m terrified I might need to… But at this point, it would ruin everything; I simply can’t. So I’m just doing my best; all I can do is my best and hope that it gets better.

“…Thanks for listening.”

#wow that sure was a whole thing that got written wasn't it?#I should have been in bed five hours ago; I'm gonna be dead tomorrow #IC #t: After Summer #headcanons #asks #Anonymous #angst #cw: self harm mention #cw: depression #cw: trauma #cw: mental illness #Supporting Role--Mother

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shes-cured · 6 years

Text

33 Changes I’ve seen in myself since getting stable a year ago:

(an overly personal milestone post that you can feel free to ignore)

HYGIENE - I shower on a regular basis. I brush my teeth twice a day. I wash my face twice a day. I change my clothes every single day, even if I’m doing nothing but staying in the house... wild.

I am WORLDS more confident

I can make phone calls without paralyzing anxiety. I’m at the point where I don’t even write out a script any more. I actually prefer phone calls now! (Who am I?)

Since the med change a year ago, I’m not tired all the time. I actually WANT to do things!!!

I’m so much more patient

Assertiveness - I talk about my issues with people when they arise (usually). If someone is important to me, I’m no longer passive aggressive. It’s “I was hurt when you did this” or “I didn’t like this” instead of “no, it’s fine” then blowing up weeks, months or years later at all the little things

Organization, organization, organization - I realized I always forgot to do things, so I have a to do list every day of things I wanna get done. My room is always clean now because it makes me feel better. Fuck guys, I even make the bed.

Handling anxiety - I still get anxiety, but now when I do I usually don’t even notice, because I’m like “alright, I’m anxious, let’s solve it” instead of letting it build and build and build, which makes it minor anxiety, not panic attacks.

My ability to look out for myself and not need others to do it for me. I now take care of my mental health on my own. When I see myself slipping, I don’t have to wait for others to tell me to do something, I do it automatically. I intervene early and make the phone calls I need to make to my doctor/therapist by myself.

I’m not defeated just because I have a mental illness - being bipolar, it was always the dreary outlook of “I’m always going to have episodes, this’ll never go away” but after having the literal best year of my life, it’s like “alright, yeah, I’m gonna have episodes, but you know what? they’re usually shorter and less intense now, because I take care of them properly. and the after? the stability? that’s so worth it.”

I no longer resent being bipolar (most of the time). I’ve accepted it’s something I’ll have to deal with and something that can be problematic, but it’s also something that has made me infinitely more compassionate, understanding, insightful, patient, open-minded and tender than 99% of neurotypicals. Going through what I’ve gone through allows me to see things from perspectives so many people can’t consider.

I can hold down a job. And be damn good at it.

How others see me - I’m seen as “bubbly” now?? People view me as someone “positive” and “optimistic” and “energetic” which was not the case a year ago, lemme tell ya.

My identity - if people called me those things in the depths of my depression, I would’ve been uncomfortable with it, because I identified SO MUCH with being depressed. Who was I if I wasn’t depressed or manic? Who was I when I was stable? For so long, I didn’t know who I was if I wasn’t in a state of chaos. Now, I simply view myself as a good person who’s content with life. I go above and beyond when it comes to being kind + generous, because I like being that person. I like giving money to kids selling candy or homeless people on the side of the street that may or may not be con artists, because, god forbid, if that was me, I’d want that.

My values - I know what principles I want to live by and I know what type of person I want to be.

I see the world as good overall - maybe that makes me optimistic, maybe that makes me naive, but I like that. I want to see the world as good, because it makes my life infinitely better. Yes, there are bad people, yes, bad things will happen to me, but so many good people are out there too. So many good deeds are done on a daily basis that would blow my mind to know - even if I don’t hear about them often.

What constitutes a good day - it isn’t everything going my way. A good day might have things that go the complete opposite of how I planned, but if I handle it effectively and constructively, what more can I ask for? If I did well in my reaction, it sounds like I did a great job that day and I’ll be proud of that + call it a good day.

MY MUSIC TASTE - holy fuck, my year-ago-self would hate riding in a car with my now-self because my music is boppy and upbeat and not all slow songs that hit me in the gut

My independence - Instead of “Mom, PLEASE, come with me” it’s “mom, why would you come with me, it’s just ______”

I distance myself from people I don’t like. If someone annoys me or brings me down, I’m not obligated to be BFFs with them, even if they like me. Not clicking with someone (or outgrowing someone) isn’t something to dismiss. Hanging around people I don’t wanna hang around with only makes me irritated, so why would I do that?

MY WRITING - I never would’ve thought this would be something to change (especially not in a good way) but my writing style is so so so so SO much better now. When I read old things, I can tell when I was manic because it’s hectic and sentences are choppy or not well organized. When I was depressed I can tell because it’s elongated and, well… depressing. Being stable has 100000% improved my content.

How I view the future is… different. It’s not pessimistic, but it’s uniquely optimistic in the sense that I don’t have the optimism of “everything is gonna be alright”, because that’s not true. Sometimes, it’s gonna seem like the world is crashing down around me. It has before and it will again. Hell, life will be shittier than ever sometimes. But you know what? I’ve gotten through that before and I will again and I need to go through those times, because it’s in those times that I see myself grow.

Self growth has become what I consider to be the most attractive thing in the world. Changing for the better? Wow, 10/10 beautiful

I accept that sometimes what’s best for me isn’t what I want to do. Sometimes, self care is forcing myself to go to dunkin donuts for a few hours when I’m depressed, even if all I wanna do is lay in a dark room all day, because that’s what’s healthy for me and that’s what will at least slow a downward spiral, if not halt it for a couple hours.

I don’t like being home all day. If I’m home all day, I’m bored. I want to go out, even if it’s just on a walk.

I exercise. Crazy thing…. apparently it actually does help your mental health???

Regular sleep - I KNOW I can’t sleep too much or too little without triggering an episode. Some people might not need to be conscious of that, but I do, so I make sure to keep it between 6-9 hours in order to protect myself from getting unstable.

Eating - I don’t eat healthy foods, but I eat healthy amounts, which is progress.

I embrace who I am. Am I overly bubbly? Yeah. Am I lil weird and nerdy? Oh, it’s not debatable. Are my thought processes hard to understand? Yup, I have to explain them in ten different ways and realize people still won’t fully get them. I can be too closed off and forget that my phone exists more often than not, but I’m working on my flaws, accepting my quirks and have improved myself immensely. I’m proud of that.

I realize I can’t do things some “normal” people can do. I can’t work too many midnight shifts at my job, because it throws my sleep off and can trigger a manic episode. I can’t procrastinate (especially in school), because I’ll get overwhelmed and quickly become suicidal. I need to stick with a firm plan when I do things. I need to make lists or I’ll forget to tell someone something or do something that’s important. I might look weird always writing things down so I don’t forget, but it helps me function and be on my A-game.

My likes are MY likes. It’s okay to be “weird” and like reading and writing fanfics, but it’s also okay to be “mainstream” and like pop music. I don’t need to fight to be this perfect version of unique yet normal. Being myself has made me so happy.

I like finding joy out of super small things. Making small talk with cashiers makes life pleasant. Giving random compliments can shift a whole day around. Showing people how grateful I am when they do nice things (even small things like hold open a door) makes both of us feel better. People typically don’t expect other people to be super nice to them, but I like going out of my way to be super nice, so I am. If my day is bad, making someone else’s day good makes me feel better (and in turn, my day better), so I’m gonna do that, even if some people might find it weird or fake.

I know I’m capable of anything. Whatever happens to me, good or bad, I now have faith in my resilience to go through it. I’ll come out on top, because I always do. I might struggle, I might feel stuck, I might feel like it’s impossible to get through, but I always end up okay in the end.

It’s so crazy, because nowadays, I’m so often told “I don’t know how you can be so positive all the time” or “You are literally always in a good mood” and it blows my mind, because who I was a year ago was a good person, but not that person.

However, what’s also important to remember is that I am who I am now because I did the work it took to get here and I do the work to stay here every day. I check in with myself. I go to my appointments. I take my meds every day (I haven’t missed a single dose in six months). I cope healthily, even when it feels like it’s not helping, because at least it’s not making things worse.

I do the annoying things “normal” people don’t have to do without being bitter about it, because at the end of the day I also find so much more joy out of life than “normal” people do, because I remember exactly how dark and meaningless things can seem. I celebrate so many things most people take for granted and I make sure to keep celebrating them, because contentment and stability and balance isn’t something to take for granted.

I’m really proud of how far I’ve come and where I’m at.

#personal #bipolar #mental health #mental illness #depression #mania #recovery #lesbian #me

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