#I think I deleted it because the pandemic started and it gave me anxiety | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ramp-it-up · 3 years

Text

Fresh Squeeze Ch. 13

Pairing: Daveed Diggs x OFC Linden Marshall (You)

Set in 2023, post-pandemic

Warnings: Minors DNI, 18 + ONLY, RPF, drinking, dancing, singing, cursing, lots of plot and fluff and sad with some Smut as well. This has everything. Daddy kink, oral sex (m recieving), cum play, drunken confessions/rambling, Love, y’all.

“As” x Stevie Wonder

Word Count: 5.7 K

Plot: Lindy reacts to her gifts, gets another one from the group, and TURNS UP. They finally get back to NYC and deal with having to be apart (or not).

“Well, what do you think?” Daveed was looking at you expectantly.

“I…….”

You really didn’t know what to say. You were surprised, intrigued, curious, and a little frightened. Your mind was trying to take it all in.

Daveed’s heart dropped as he watched your face. He closed the photo app on his phone.

“It’s cool. It’s a lot to think about...” He could kick himself. He’d gotten carried away and ruined a perfect thing. He wished he could rewind time.

“I, I’ll meet you out at the bar. Go have some fun. We’ll talk later.”

He might as well begin getting wasted for when you ended it between you two. It had been a great day and a half. He turned around and headed for the door.

“Diggs, where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

Daveed stopped and turned around, bracing for it. He saw the flash your eyes.

“Look, Linden. I’m sorry. I took it too far. Forget I even showed you that picture.” He leaned on the wall and looked everywhere but at you.

Your heart twisted in your chest. Daveed really did love you. And he was wearing his anxiety all over him. It hurt your heart that he felt that way. It was on you to communicate now.

You approached him slowly and put your hands on his arms as he looked at the floor. You bent your knees to get a glimpse of his eyes and to force him to look at you.

Daveed smiled when he saw you peeking at him. Maybe you weren’t pissed at him.

“I’m so pissed at you,” you breathed.

Oh, well.

“How are you going to lecture me about running away all the time when that’s what you were about to do?”

Daveed opened and closed his mouth. Then he looked at you. You were right.

You slid into his arms and he looked down at you. So fucking beautiful.

“Thank you for my presents, Daveed. I’m not mad that you got them. But you’re right, it is a lot to think about.” You sighed and lay your head on his chest.

“This weekend has been amazing, and I’m happy you got carried away…It means….”

“It means I love you, Lindy.” He kissed the top of your head. “But I get it, you need time to think about… taking that step.”

Daveed realized that you were just nervous.

You bit your lip and nodded. “Yeah.”

Daveed leaned down and kissed your lips. It was slow and sensual.

“Anything I can do to help with your thinking process?”

His lips were at your cheek, moving to your jaw, your earlobe and then your neck. You moaned as he found the spot he’d memorized so quickly, like a verse.

You moaned, heating up again as his hand smoothed your dress over your ass and his fingers reached for the hem. Again.

You felt yourself begin to tumble down the hill of your desire for Daveed, which you tried to snap yourself out of by clearing your throat, to which Daveed smiled at against the skin of your collarbone.

“We should really get back out there.”

You fully expected him to object, but instead he agreed.

“You’re right.” He planted another kiss on your spot. “The crew is working on a gift for you out there.” He nuzzled your neck and then kissed below your earlobe.

“What?” You were curious as to what they were up to. Daveed just stared at you. “W-what do you mean they're working on a present?”

Daveed chuckled and smiled at you, grabbing you by the hand. “I don't know. Let’s go see.”

--------

Craig happened to be passing by when you and Daveed came out of the bathroom. You were caught.

“OOOOOOOOOh. I’m gonna call Monalinda on your ass.” You were swole, and about to cuss Craig out and then instantly deflated.

“Oh shit.” You looked at him. “My mom.”

You dropped Daveed’s hand and dug in your purse for your phone, which you had basically ignored all weekend.

It was lit up with birthday messages, one from Mark, which you deleted, and plenty from other friends and acquaintances on social media.

You looked up at Daveed. “I’m have to call my mom. I’m going to step outside.”

“I’ll go with you.” Craig, your protector.

Daveed didn’t want to let you go, but he didn’t want to crowd you. You went downstairs and out of the door, Craig with you.

You scrolled for the call from your mom, and like clockwork, she’d called at 8:43 am, the time you were born. It was well over 12 hours since she’d called. You cringed and dialed her back.

She picked up immediately.

“Linden? Happy Birthday, Baby.”

“Hey Mama. Thank you. Sorry I missed your call.”

“That’s ok, baby. I figured you’d be busy having fun. Craig watching out for you?”

You laughed and looked over at Craig. “Hey Auntie Mona!” He yelled and all three of you laughed.

“Hey Craig! Take care of Linden for me.”

“Mama, I’m 30 years old now. I can watch out for myself.”

Now she was laughing at you. Sometimes it was like you were her twin, brash and independent.

“Ok, you’re right. Is that Daveed boy there with you? Craig told his father that you had a crush on him.”

“Oh, did he now?” You were gonna tap Craig in his jaw. You made a cutting motion against your throat to him. He just laughed at you and flipped you off.

“Yes, mom, he’s here,” you sighed.

Mona knew that tone. And she laughed at you again.

“Linden, just be open to love, Baby. You deserve it.”

You loved your mom so much, but It was when you were talking to her that you were reminded of Dell. That’s why you tried to avoid it. Because when you thought about Dell, you felt like you didn’t deserve anything.

You thought about how you should be on a three-way call with her and Dell, her wishing you both a happy birthday.

“Mama…. I’m sorry. I…”

“Linden. Stop it. Just stop it. It wasn’t your fault. You can’t live your life blaming yourself. He’d want you to move on. And he’d be so proud of you now. I’m so proud of you.”

“I love you Mama.” You smiled through your tears.

“I love you too, Baby. Now get off the phone with me and go have some fun with that tall, fine man. And tell me all about him when you get back, maybe bring him to meet me if you realize you should snag him. Have a safe flight.”

You laughed at her read. “Ok, Mama. Goodbye.”

“Bye, Lindy.”

You took out your phone and scrolled through your pictures of Dell. You picked one and made your annual post for your birthdays. Craig moved toward you and took you in his arms.

“You okay, cousin?”

You looked up at him, and the tears came harder because he was crying too. He was the only one who missed Dell almost as much as you. Except your mom, who probably missed him more. You hugged Craig and let yourself cry.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine after I kick your ass for telling Uncle Lindron about Daveed. You know he and Mona talk every day.” You started to walk back into the club, where Daveed was watching for you to return.

“Lindy, this ain’t Jersey, and I’m not one of those little hoodrats you used to fight all the time. I’ll fuck you up, just like I did in the 7th grade.”

“Shut up, Craig!” you laughed and pushed him, lightening up a little, especially when you saw Daveed’s concerned look as he came for you.

“You okay?” You looked up at him and smiled, giving him a quick peck on the lips. “I’m good.”

Craig and Daveed led you to where Rafael, Anthony, and Jasmine were standing. Daveed planted you on the stool and looked you in the eyes.

“Stay here.”

“OK?” You looked around to see everyone smiling at you. Rafa winked as Daveed approached a mic stand. You got a feeling of dread in your stomach.

Oh no-

Daveed looked at you as the crew gathered around.

“Hey everybody. This is Lindy.” He held his hand out to you. “And it’s Lindy’s birthday today. And I bet she thinks we’re about to embarrass her and have you sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to her.” He looked over to you. “But she’d be wrong.”

You breathed a sigh of relief.

“We were wondering what to give the woman who has everything.”

You called out to him. “Are you included in ‘everything?’”

“You are correct, madam.” Daveed smirked in response. You shook your head as everyone laughed.

“But we decided to use what we have and that is talent. And we picked a song to perform that her cousin Craig said was a family favorite and is really really true for all of us, especially me.

We’re going to perform a song that lets you know that you got new family members for life.”

Rafa cued the DJ to start the track. As you heard the opening cords, you brought your hands to your mouth, emotional.

Jasmine was first up.

As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving/ And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May/ just as hate knows loves the cure/ You can rest your mind assured/ That I'll be loving you always/ As now can't reveal the mystery of tomorrow/ But in passing will grow older every day/ Just as all is born is new/ Do know what I say is true/That I'll be loving you always

Jasmine came over and gave you a hug as she sung the last line.

Everyone started dancing this choreographed routine of 70’s dance moves, the hustle, the hand jive, and the bump during the refrain as they sang. Even Craig joined in the chorus.

Anthony sang next.

Did you know that true love asks for nothing./ Her acceptance is the way we pay Did you know that life has given love a guarantee/ To last through forever and another day/ Just as time knew to move on since the beginning/ And the seasons know exactly when to change/ Just as kindness knows no shame/ Know through all your joy and pain/ That I'll be loving you always

Ant handed Rafael the mic next.

As today I know I'm living but tomorrow/ Could make me the past but that I mustn't fear/ For I'll know deep in my mind/ The love of me I've left behind/ Cause I'll be loving you always

More dancing, and you had to get up out of your seat.

Daveed had the bridge:

We all know sometimes life's hates and troubles/ Can make you wish you were born in another time and space/ …...And maybe our children's grandchildren/ And their great-great grandchildren will tell/ I'll be loving you

Everyone in the club joined in the chorus by the end, including you. It went on and on and was the best time you’d had on your birthday in a long time.

You ended up in Daveed’s arms with everyone dancing around you. It was big love and it was perfect.

You danced and drank shots until you were exhausted and wasted. You and everybody sang all the way back to the beach house, and Daveed had to practically carry you in when you arrived.

---------------

“THAT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY OF ALLL TIMEEEEEE!” You looked around the great room of the beach house and saw everyone staring at you.

“YOU’RE SO LOUD! BE QUIET! SHHHHHHH!”

“That’s you. You’re yelling Lindy.” Daveed was cracking up at you.

Jasmine and Anthony laughed at you on the way to the master suite.

“G’night mom and dad!” You waved at them as they retired for the night.

“Are you going to flog me, General?”

You heard Jasmine say, “Oh my god, she’s wasted,” as she and Anthony went in their room. Anthony replied. “Oh, fo sho.”

Daveed chuckled and shook his head as he led you into your room.

“General, hunh? No, I’m not going to flog you. I’m gonna put your ass to bed.”

You sat down on the bed and looked up at him adoringly.

“You know, I went with ‘he who must not be named’ to see Hamilton in 2015. When I saw you in that uniformmmmmmmmmm….”

You shook your head and closed your eyes, remembering. ”I had a flash of a thought to run up on stage and suck your soul out.”

Daveed smiled his shy smile again, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, I’m fangirling right now. But sign my tits.” You tried to pull the collar of your dress down, and when it wouldn’t stretch, you started fighting with it, trying to get it off.

“Easy, easy.” Daveed was highly amused. He helped you to stand up so you could get out of your clothes.

He looked down and stroked your cleavage. “I already marked them up good. And when those fade I’m coming back for more.”

He leaned down and kissed the tops of each breast and then stopped himself to help you out of the dress. Now was not the time to start something.

“Oh shit, Daveed.” You squirmed. “You got me wet. Damn, boy. You keep me wet.”

You started singing WAP as you twerked in front of him. Daveed was enjoying seeing the carefree side of you. You could be so free and he was glad that tonight got you there.

You flopped back down on the bed. “Damn, I would let you fuck me in that uniform tho. A dream. And that sword? The hilt of that mutha fucking sword. Fuck. Do you still have it? I mean...”

You opened your legs and ran your hands up your thighs.

Daveed grabbed them and pulled you back up so that he could slip your dress off. You were out of your mind, but you still got him there.

He’d have to see what he could do about that costume when you were sober. He wanted to fulfill your every fantasy, and he hoped that you would let him.

When you came out from under your dress you looked about to cry. He frowned a bit.

“What happened?” When you looked up at him with your drunk, teary eyes, he remembered. Tequila.

“I don’t deserve you. You’re so fucking sweet. And nerdy, and cute, and so fucking talented. I mean you’re such a great actor, and writer, and rapper, and you can rap so fast, I mean damn that tongue.”

You opened your eyes wide. “Is that why you’re so good at head?” You covered your mouth at the realization and started crying harder. “I don’t deserve you!” Daveed helped you as you cried, and he tried to get you in the bed.

“Yes, you do Lindy. We all deserve love. Now calm down. It’s ok. We can talk about it in the morning.”

You stopped and stood still, adamant, naked for Daveed to take in and save for later. “You wanna know a secret?” You looked around the room to see if anyone was listening, even though you were alone with Daveed. “I forgot what I was talking about.”

Daveed laughed and went into the bathroom to get one of your makeup wipes. When he handed it to you is when you started crying again.

“No one ever wanted me to take off my makeup before...no one cared about my skin… and no one sang to me in Puerto Rico...”

You were still crying as you wiped the tears and makeup away. “Tell me why you love me in the morning.”

“I will. Lay down and I’ll get you some water.” Daveed got you under the covers and tucked you in.

“It’s gonna be hard when we get back to New York, cause I’m a bitch in New York. In Isabella I’m a queen…”

“Yes you are. You’re MY queen. Anywhere you go. You’re not gonna get rid of me in New York. Now try to center yourself and calm down okay?” You smiled weakly up at him and nodded, holding your arms out to him.

Daveed hugged you, kissed your forehead and then went to the kitchen to get some bottles of water. Rafa was in there, eating cereal and on his phone.

“Ya girl is wasted.”

“Yeah, she’s gone, man gone.” Daveed smiled. “Thanks for tonight, man. The arrangement was tight.”

“No problem at all. We all really love Lindy. She’s special, man.”

Daveed smiled as he gathered about four bottles of water and set them on the counter. He had a faraway look. Rafa could read him like a book.

“Oh shit, Diggs.”

Daveed looked at him.

“Yeah, this is it.” He’d made a decision.

“Happy for you, man.”

Daveed gave Rafa a smile and elbow dap as he went back to your room.

You were singing “As” and smiling when he returned. “I’m tore up. Sorry.”

Daveed blinded you with his smile. “No worries, Baby Girl. Here, drink this. It will go better when you wake up if you do.”

You returned his smile and drank the entire bottle of water. It helped clear your head a bit and the exhaustion got to you. Your eyes were drawn to him like a magnet as he headed toward the shower and took off his shirt. Damn, why did his back get you hot?

“I’ll be waiting for you when you get out.”

Daveed smiled back at you. “Get some rest Lindy. I know we’re leaving Isabela tomorrow, but we have time to spend together beyond that. I’m not going anywhere, Baby Girl.”

You smiled and nodded, hazily realizing something and resolving to stay up before you knocked out into a deep sleep.

-----

Daveed had stayed up a little while longer than you and wrote some things, editing a verse for a track that he and Rafael were producing and also adding to his Linden notes. Then, he took you into his arms and fell asleep.

He wondered how he would do it without you in New York, or how he would go back to the West Coast without you. He was thinking about the same things you were, but he was more confident that you two would find a way.

The Monday morning sun greeted him and he rolled over to see that it was 10 am. The flight back to New York left at 3 pm. Just a couple of hours before everyone needed to head to the airport.

You were still knocked out, snoring a little, but so adorably. He kissed your forehead and got out of bed with a bottle of water, padding to his room.

He marveled at the fact that he’d spent very little time there this weekend. It was basically a glorified closet and he was glad for it.

He was grateful to Jasmine and Anthony who offered to plan this weekend for you. They knew that you and he together on a tropical island would do the trick.

He shook his head that it actually worked as he put on his running shoes and shorts and packing up a little before he went running.

Daveed sent you a text before he got started, then headed west on the beach and did a lot of thinking, planning how to soothe the fears that you’d expressed last night.

----

You woke up 20 minutes after Daveed left with only a slight headache and fuzzy memories of the night before. You instantly missed Daveed and grabbed your phone.

Good morning my Queen. Going running. Be back soon. Love you.

You smiled like a schoolgirl at your phone, and your heart immediately lifted. You lay back on your pillow and thought of how lucky you were.

Then, memories of your drunken ramblings came back and you buried your head under your pillow.

You hopped in the shower and tried to forget what you’d said, hoping that Daveed did too. It was the first time in a minute you gotten to shower alone, so you took your time.

When you came out in your towel, your hair wet and conditioned, you met Daveed who was trying to sneak back in and see you wake up.

Seeing you all wet and sexy in just a towel did something to Daveed. You were surprised, your mouth in that sexy o shape, just like in the fitting room of H & M.

“Hey.” Daveed smiled at you.

“Hey yourself.”

You smiled back and shifted your weight as water droplets tumbled down your shoulders into the valley between your breasts. Daveed couldn’t help but stare. “How was your run?”

“Damn.” Daveed realized too late that you had asked him a question. “I mean…” he chuckled. “It was good.” He noticed you eying him and realized that he was all sweaty.

‘Damn’ is right you thought, the sweat was running down Daveed’s torso like the water from your shower. He smelled like his cologne mixed with the sea air and more musk. You needed that. Right now.

“I’m all sweaty, can I borrow your shower?”

You walked nearer to him, stopping behind him him in front of the bed. “No.”

Daveed turned his head to question you. “No? You mean I can’t borrow your shower? You want me to go back to my…”

“No.” You traced your finger in the sweat on his lat muscle and then put it in your mouth.

“I don’t want you to use my shower, and I don’t want you to go back to yours. At least not right now.”

Daveed turned around and faced you and when he did, you dropped your towel on the bed. His eyes went where you wanted them to.

“I want to lick the sweat off your abs, your dick and your balls before you do that.”

“Holy shit, Lindy.” Daveed groaned, grabbed you by the throat and pulled you in for a kiss. “You’re so fucking nasty.” He kissed you as his cock swelled. “I love it. I love you.”

You sat on the bed and pulled him toward you, getting started on your mission. You put your tongue in the happy trail of black hair below his navel, flat and wide, and licked a long stripe up and around his belly button.

The tangy essence of his perspiration contained some kind of aphrodisiac, because you went crazy and would have licked him clean if he hadn’t stopped you to take off his running shorts and shoes.

You watched his dick, thick from desire, spring free and slap his stomach. You immediately grabbed for it and Daveed stepped out of your reach. You looked up at him, and he returned your gaze.

Unspoken communication flowed that this was going to be as equals. You grabbed for it again and he stepped closer, allowing you to palm him as you licked and sucked his sack.

He leaned his head back in ecstasy as you took care of the boys and jacked him off. Then he looked down at you and you kept eye contact as you licked the tip of his dick, circled it with your tongue and then opened your mouth and deep throated it like a champ.

“Fuuuuuuucckkkkk, Lindy.” Daveed reached for your breasts and squeezed them, pinching and rolling your nipples. You arched your back, and your ass looked amazing on the bed. Daveed needed to hit that.

He pulsed at the thought of breaking your back and realized that he was buried deep in your throat at the moment. His eyes came back to yours, which were watering with the effort to breathe around him.

He didn’t hold you there, but you kept your nose nestled in the wiry hairs at the base of his cock. Damn. He wanted to be both places at once.

He brought his hand up to your wet hair, gently massaging your scalp as you did what you wanted with him. He had the irrational desire to tattoo your name on it, because nothing would ever compare to you.

You came off of him, sputtering and gasping for breath, a proud smile on your face. Daveed smiled down at you and wiped your mouth with his hand as you smiled back up at him. He leaned down and gave you a filthy kiss.

“I want you to pound me from behind.” Your voice was a sexy whisper, making tingles go up his spine.

“Just what I was thinking. We’re made for each other, Lindy.” He kissed you again.

You quickly pulled away and got on the bed on all fours, ass presented to Daveed. He just stood there admiring you as he stroked himself for a minute.

He was trying to meditate, pray, something, because what you’d already done to him and just looking at you was going to make him bust.

You looked back at him, and bit your lip, watching him. Then, you brought your hand up to your mouth, licked your fingers, and brought it down to start steady, tight circles on your clit, arching your back and giving him a good view of exactly what was happening.

“Shit.”

Daveed grabbed your hip and lined up with your cunt, feeling with his tip that you were fluttering around nothing but that. He whined in the back of this throat as he made himself sink into you slowly, your pussy grabbing him with each millimeter. He bottomed out. You were stretched out wonderfully.

“You good? How’s that feel?”

You could only whine. “So good. So, so, so good Daveed. Please.” You were begging, his dick was pulsing. “Please, please, please Daddy.”

Daveed groaned again. “Fuck, yeah. You want it?”

“Yeah!”

He started moving. He thought he was going to pass out it felt so good.

“This shit feels so good, Linden. You need it?”

“Fuck, yeah, Daddy. Oh!” Your arms had collapsed, and your cheek was getting pounded into the mattress as Daveed pistoned into you harder and harder. “Thank you thank you thank you.”

You were so fucking sweet that Daveed was about to paint your insides with his children. But he stopped, causing both of you to curse and pant into the silence.

The throbbing of his dick and the clenching of your pussy pushed him over the edge, making him lose control and start pumping again.

You knew he was trying to hold out and the thought that he couldn’t triggered your orgasm and you came, tears coursing out of your shut eyes as you moaned.

Daveed felt you cum with relief, because he was able to make sure you got yours; watching you cum was magnificent. But now it was his turn

“Where do you want it Linden?”

“On my ass Daddy.” You smiled back at him with glazed over eyes, still lost in sex land.

“Fuck!” He pulled out and fisted his cock, spurting all over your beautiful cheeks as he reached around for your sensitive clit.

He relentlessly held you fast with his arm as you tried to run from the second orgasm that was triggered by his fingers and the feel of his cum dripping down your folds.

“Shit, Daveed!” He chuckled evilly as you came apart again, leaning down to put his drenched fingers in your mouth. You made eye contact with him as you sucked his cum off them, and he was almost hard again. Damn.

He collapsed on his back and watched as you lay on your stomach and closed your eyes.

“Looks like we both need a shower now…”

You opened your eyes, and his heart clenched. You were so pretty. So purely Linden.

“Damn, I Love you girl.”

“I love you too, Daveed.” You bit your lip at the emotion. “We probably need to shower separately because….. we'll miss our flight.” He knew what you meant.

Daveed frowned. “You’re not wrong, but we can save time and water if we shower together. I promise I won’t try anything but get squeaky clean.” He was not trying to have this togetherness end so soon.

You couldn’t help but smile. You were doomed. You sighed, gave him a peck and made your way to the shower, him hot on your heels.

----

You boarded the flight back to NYC the same way you boarded the 3 and a half hour flight to PR, with you and Daveed running to the gate to board just in time.

You settled into first class, this time eagerly snuggling up to him in the blanket from jump. You were whispering and giggling together. Daveed looked at you and knew what you were thinking.

“Before you say it, let’s wait and join the mile-high club for when we’re not with our friends.” You peeked through the divide in your seats to find Craig and Rafael behind you. Craig stuck his tongue out at you.

“Yeah, you right. I don’t wanna hear it from this crew.”

You cuddled happily, on your phones and taking selfies, posting them separately to IG. Even though you didn’t post the pics of you two together, the fact that Rafael photobombed both of the ones you posted gave the connection away.

When you deboarded at JFK about 8 o’clock, you and Daveed brought up the rear of the group, not walking slowly, not wanting the weekend to end. By the time you got to baggage claim, Rafa and Jas and Ant were walking out to the cars that were waiting for them.

“See you later guys! Thank you again for everything.” You hugged the Martinez coupled as they went back to Brooklyn.

“Catch you tomorrow Cash.” Daveed gave Rafael dap and you gave him a hug as he departed.

Craig was at the baggage carousel, just waiting to order the uber for you and he to go back to his place. You were very quiet, lost in your thoughts.

“.....Rafa and I have a late lunch meeting at 1 tomorrow and then rehearsals start Wednesday through Friday at the new venue. Then we have the weekend off and shows start up again next Tuesday. What does your week look like Lindy?” Daveed wasn’t going to let you slip away from him, physically or mentally.

“Well, I have this Bar exam study session tomorrow afternoon, and I really need to cram for the exam next month. And… oh shit, I have this event for the law firm I’m clerking at in the fall on Saturday. It’s sort of like an introductory mandatory thing. Black tie.”

Daveed looked at you. “So, I guess you already have a date for that.”

You snapped out of your funk and caught the tone. “Yeah, I do.” You fought a smile and Craig started shaking his head as he looked at his phone.

“Oh.” Daveed rocked on his heels and watched for his bag on the carousel.

You tapped his arm and smiled at him, nodding your head toward your cousin. “It’s him.”

Daveed made eye contact with Craig who laughed at him.

“Sounds dope.” He was very relieved.

“Well, about that Lindy…..” Craig had some news. “Brian is coming to visit next weekend. Imma fly my baby out!” He took in your shocked face. “What?”

“Nothing. You grown. And you’re ditching me. That’s always cool.”

Craig shrugged. “What you won’t do for love.”

Daveed agreed. “So it sounds like you need a date.”

You turned back towards him, a smile on your lips.

“Yeah, sounds like it. You think Rafael is free?”

Daveed bent his head and shook it. “What time do I need to pick you up, Linden.”

You perked up at the dom voice, and replied immediately. “8 pm.”

“Done.”

“Perfect, and pack a bag, you can stay with Daveed so Brian and I can have the place to ourselves.”

“What makes you think that I want to stay with him, or if he even wants that? You can’t just…”

Daveed interrupted you. “You’re welcome anytime, Baby Girl.”

You shivered. “Okay…” you almost said, ‘Daddy,’ but you didn’t. Not in front of Craig.

“It’s settled then.” Craig grabbed his bag and you reached for yours, but Daveed grabbed it before you could take it.

You walked out to where you and Craig’s uber waited and the car the Daveed had ordered waited. Daveed loaded your suitcase after Craig put his in the trunk and got in, giving you two some privacy.

“Text me when you get home. I’ll call you later, maybe facetime.” Daveed felt something crazy in his chest at the thought of leaving you.

You nodded and tried to smile up at him, tears pricking your eyes. “I will. I might text you in the uber?” You didn’t want to be away from him yet.

“Yeah, yeah. Do that. I’ll see you in four days.”

“Just four.” You searched his eyes. “Ugh! I love you Daveed.”

“I love you too, Lindy.” You reached up for a kiss and he picked you up to meet him. He put you down and you swallowed the lump in your throat.

“Bye.”

“Bye.” You waved as he walked toward the black SUV. You opened the door and then you saw him look back at you, eyes in full puppy dog mode.

You got in the uber, and Daveed got his bag situated and entered the back of the car. He looked back and saw your uber pull out, his driver waiting for it to pass. Then, he heard a knock on the other window.

The window rolled down and Daveed peered out at you, smiling.

“Did you mean it when you said I was welcome anytime?” Your smile was irresistible.

“Get that ass in this car, Baby Girl.”

“Yes, Daddy.”

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Will Lindy and Daveed ever be able to be apart? Is this a healthy relationship or are they going to fast? Let me know. Please like, comment, and reblog!

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#Daveed Diggs #daveed diggs fanfiction #daveed diggs x reader #daveed fic #daveed imagine #daveed diggs x black reader #daveed diggs x oc #daveed diggs imagine #daveed diggs x ofc reader #daveed diggs fluff #daveed diggs smut #daveed x Linden #daveed x lindy #daveed x you #hamilfam #Rafael Casal #jasmine cephas jones #Anthony Ramos #bay boys

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zevlors-tail · 3 years

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A/N: This was an emergency request from forever ago, and I’m SO SORRY it took so long to finish! Tumblr also deleted the original ask, so I don’t have it anymore, but it was for a poly tododeku x chubby reader who gained weight during quarantine. I hope this was what you wanted, and again, I’m so sorry it took so long! I also don’t have a title for this RIP.

Pairing: Poly TodoDeku x Chubby Reader

Words: 4k

Warnings: Insecurities about weight gain, weight gain, cursing, reader weighing themselves with a scale if that’s a trigger for you.

You yawned as you stretched, your eyelids still heavy with sleep. It was currently nine in the morning and both of your partners had already snuck out of bed to go to work for the day. You envied them a little, seeing as they got to leave the house often while you were cooped up inside all of the time no thanks to quarantine. Of course, you still worried for their health- although most hero agencies were taking preventative measures during the ongoing pandemic, there was still the chance that one (or god forbid, both) of them could come into contact with the very virus that quarantine sought to combat. You tried not to think about that idea too much, instead focusing on a smaller annoyance: the fact that your job wasn’t deemed essential enough to stay open during this time.

Sure, you were working from home, but the way things were now there was hardly anything for you to do anyways, and most nights you were finished with your tasks early. This gave you plenty of free time, which in reality would have been much more enjoyable if you were able to actually leave the house, but no. You were stuck at home instead, boredom and restlessness rotting your brain of anything useful. You’d done everything you could think of to occupy yourself; you cleaned your kitchen, washed your clothes, folded all the laundry. Hell, you even started dusting the mantle in the living room for god’s sake. But you could only clean so much, and even with two of Japan’s top pro heroes tracking in dirt and grime each night from work, the house was usually spotless by 5pm. The only things you had left to occupy yourself at that point were video games, movies, and food.

Oh…and of course, overthinking.

Perhaps that was how you’d ended up where you were now, your legs carrying you out of bed and to the bathroom mirror to see if your current suspicions were true. About a month ago, you had noticed that one of your favorite shirts (newly found and washed, since you’d finally made it through all that pesky laundry) wasn’t fitting quite right. You didn’t think much of it at the time, passing it off as drying it for a bit too long or using too high of a heat setting. But a week later, you had the same problem occur with a pair of newer pants, and suddenly you felt self conscious. You tried to to push the feeling to the back of your mind, to stay positive and not worry about it, but it was always there. No matter how much you smiled, no matter how many times you told yourself it didn’t matter, the last thing on your mind every night was the fearful thought that you might have gained weight recently.

You’d never been slim; you had been curvy for as long as you could remember, but even from a young age you learned to be confident in yourself and your body. You always had a strong sense of self, always told yourself that your weight did not equal your worth. You knew better, and it showed. People looked up to you and admired you for that. You never cared how much you weighed; you just let your bubbly personality shine through like a midsummer’s day ray of sun. You practically glowed when you were with your friends, the sparkly smile on your face never once faltering as you laughed with them and helped them pick out new outfits they liked during mall outings. So…why should now be any different?

As you stared at yourself in the mirror, you felt anxiety start to creep up your spine, winding tightly around your throat like a constricting snake before pooling in your stomach, as heavy as a stone. Your lungs tightened and you hardly felt like you were getting any air as you looked yourself over. It was hard to tell just from your reflection…but it did seem like you had gained weight. Well, there was only one way to know for sure.

Your eyes caught the gleam of the metal scale in the corner of the room, the square shaped object intimidating you just by lying there on the floor. It was a perfectly normal thing to keep on hand in a perfectly normal household, even more so when you were in a relationship with two pro heroes who worked out and kept track of their weight on a weekly basis. Regardless, nothing about using the scale felt normal to you. You only weighed yourself at the doctor’s office, and that was it. But you wanted to know- no, you had to. It was bothering you too much not to.

Everything about this felt foreign to you. The way the scale came to life suddenly as you stepped on it, the way it took it’s time to recalibrate as you stepped back off, and the way it set itself to “zero” when it finally booted up...all of it. It felt odd when you finally pressed all of your weight to it, awkwardly waiting for the flashing numbers on the tiny digital screen to settle. And when they did, you couldn’t help but frown. You remembered a ballpark number from your last doctor’s visit, and you were nowhere near that number anymore.

You had definitely gained weight since quarantine started.

Not wanting to stand there any longer than necessary, you hopped off the scale holding back tears and tossed your clothes to the floor, opting for a shower. That would make you feel better, and then maybe you would just forget about it. You weren’t going to let this bring you down. At least, that’s what you told yourself.

Lunch gave you more anxiety later on and only served as a reminder about your weight gain. But you ate anyways, because you were hungry and you knew you deserved to regardless of your weight. Still, the anxious feelings remained for the rest of the night. You only forgot about it when Izuku and Shouto returned from work minutes apart from each other, their smiles and hugs effectively chasing away any self doubts or worries that you harbored. After all, it was hard to feel anxious when you were wrapped up in a giant group hug, kisses and “I missed you’s!” being given and received all at once. The night ended on a good note, and in the end you fell asleep feeling safe and secure while nestled in between the two most beloved people in your life.

Morning came too soon, and with it, the familiar sensation of dread that you were trying not to grow accustomed to at this point, especially after yesterday. Today’s a new day, you told yourself. I can do this. You noticed that both men were once again up and at ‘em, already at work by the time you woke which left you alone in the spacious bed to your own devices. You, however, happened to have the day off, so you made a beeline for the kitchen to get breakfast before reclining on the couch, T.V. turned on for background noise while you surfed the web on your laptop. After you were finished eating, you cleaned up your dishes and took out the trash, and it was only as you were headed to the bathroom to shower afterwards that you caught sight of the sticky note on the mirror. It was in Shouto’s handwriting, short and sweet and to the point all at the same time.

Half day at work today. Be back at noon. Love you both. Shouto.

Upon closer inspection there was more writing underneath that, a little messier but still legible with a shaded in little heart drawn underneath it all.

Late shift tonight, don’t wait up for me. -Izuku <3

You smiled at the note before taking a seat on the edge of your bathtub to turn on the shower. You felt a bit of reprieve from your heavy feelings, but it was short lived as a sporadic thought crossed your mind in an attempt to seemingly ruin the rest of your day. You weren’t sure where it came from or why it was there, only that it was taking up space in your mind, and you couldn’t help yourself as you glanced to the corner of the room where the scale was supposed to be. Even though you already knew what numbers it was going to display, that didn’t stop you from wandering over and weighing yourself once more. Or, you would have, if the scale had been there. Oddly enough, it seemed to be missing. You looked around the floor for it feeling silly- all of this just to weight yourself even when you knew the outcome already? But you continued looking for it anyway. Just to make sure, you told yourself.

You found it in the cupboard under the sink, pushed all the way back to the right corner of the bottom shelf where it would be hard to spot. You didn’t think to question how it got there or who might have put it there. The only thing on your mind was confirming the digital numbers you’d discovered yesterday, so that was exactly what you did. You laid the scale on the floor before weighing yourself, and you felt…disappointed. Seeing the numbers on the screen spelled it out clearly for you, and suddenly you were spiraling again, worry settling deep into your soul as everything started to really sink in. What if other people could tell that you gained weight? What if they were judging you for it? What would they say? What would the boys think? Oh god, your boyfriends. Could they see it too? Did they pity you so much that they kept it to themselves but knew the whole time? And if they did know…how did they think about you now? Did they think you were disgusting? Did they still love you? Maybe they knew but didn’t say anything because they didn’t want to hurt your feelings?

Your thoughts spiraled out of control as you stripped down, clothes haphazardly landing wherever you tossed them. You practically entered the shower like a zombie, the boiling hot water doing little to calm your mind and ease the worries eating away at you. By the time you had lathered your hair in conditioner and started on body wash while the former was setting in, you’d been in the shower for quite some time, at least for a half hour, and the sound of the front door opening and shutting did nothing to phase you as you rinsed off the suds. Shouto’s muffled voice carried down the hallway and into the bathroom where you were as he kicked off his shoes at the front door.

“I’m home!”

It didn’t take you long to finish up after that, and soon you were drying the water off with your favorite fluffy towel and getting dressed in an old pair of comfort clothes. Since there was no need to pretend to act professional today, why not dress comfortably instead? You weren’t feeling very high maintenance today anyways.

“Hey babe.” There was a knock on the bathroom door just as you were finishing up getting dressed and tugging your shirt over your chest. You reached out a foot to swing the door open since both your hands were full, and Shouto peered in to greet you with a kiss to the cheek before nuzzling his face into yours. But you were too anxious and preoccupied to do anything other than let him love on you as hot steam filtered out through the now open door. “What would you like for dinner tonight?”

You shrugged your shoulders, “Hm, not sure. I don’t feel like making any decisions at the moment, so whatever you want is probably fine.” You finally toweled off your hair before fixing it up the way you wanted, then exited the bathroom with your partner in tow. You missed the way his gaze flitted to the corner briefly before he followed you out into the hallway.

“Are you sure?” he asked you, head tilting to the side in question.

“Yep, go ahead and pick. I don’t care either way.”

Something in your tone made him stand back for bit and watch with crossed arms as you wandered around the house with seemingly no objective. You weren’t really sure what you were doing; you didn’t really have the energy to be your happy go lucky self like usual, and so you hardly could pay attention to Shouto and shower him with your love like you normally did when he came home from work. Not to mention, you already had breakfast and watched TV, so now you just weren’t sure what to do. You felt like you were just going through the motions, in a daze like a zombie who couldn’t focus. Maybe that’s why you didn’t notice him come up behind you and place a hand on your shoulder, effectively scaring you out of your trance while you stood aimlessly by the couch.

“Are you alright? You seem a little off today.” He gently pulled you down to the couch with him, arms open for you to lay in while you cuddled up to his warm side.

“Huh? Oh, yeah! I’m just thinking a lot, sorry. Did you figure out what you wanted for dinner?”

Snap out of it, Y/N.

He gave you a skeptical look but said nothing more, letting the subject drop at that. “Well, I was thinking maybe we could order some take out and watch a movie at home. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten to spend some one on one time with you. I missed you. And Izuku too…”

“I missed you too.” You let him envelope you in a tight hug, some of the stress and fogginess melting away immediately. You were thankful he only had a half day today; it was entirely possible that you might have just sat at home on the couch all day zoning out until one of the boys came home. “Oh,” you added as an afterthought, “make sure you click no contact delivery and tip well. I know you do already, but it’s especially important now.”

A small smile formed as he kissed the top of your head. “Anyone who’s willing to bring food to my love is going to get tipped extremely well. And if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I would tell them thank you in person for providing for my sweet.”

“And if they aren’t willing to deliver?” you challenged.

“Then I would still tip them and say thank you, because they make their living off of that. Life is hard enough without me adding even more stress to their day, isn’t it?”

“You’re a kind person, Shouto. I love you.”

The rest of the night passed by fast, food arriving earlier than you thought it would and Shouto picking one of your favorite movies to watch as the two of you snuggled up under a comfy blanket on the couch. You fell asleep on his chest, his heartbeat lulling you off while you pressed your cheek into the crook of his neck for warmth. It was easy to feel relaxed and comfortable like that, his arms wrapped around you creating a sense of security and safety that you adored.

You were a bit confused when you woke up in bed instead of on the couch the next morning. The last thing you remembered had been the steady rise and fall of your lover’s chest; taking in your surroundings, you realized you were now laying against your usual pillow and just about swaddled in the covers. Whoever had moved you last night had taken care to make sure you were comfortable and cozy while you slept.

“Mornin, sleepyhead,” someone murmured behind you. A hand found itself against your stomach, fingers splayed to lovingly rub against your midriff as Izuku curled around you from behind. You pressed up against him for warmth before turning to face him, and when your eyes met you could see the weariness from his night shift reflected in his gaze. The word exhausted was practically written across his forehead.

“Did you sleep at all?”

“A couple hours. Work was…tiring.”

You absentmindedly brought a hand to his face, your thumb stroking over his cheek before you ruffled his hair affectionately. He let out a heavy sigh as you doted on him, eyes closing in bliss. “You okay?”

He seemed to enjoy your touch for a moment longer before reaching up to take your hand in his much larger one, eyes fluttering back open as he pressed a kiss to your open palm and made a soft noise of content. “Mm, I’m more worried about you.”

Normally his actions would leave butterflies in your stomach and make your heart beat a little bit faster. Normally, you would appreciate the concern. But you would be lying if you said you weren’t confused- What was there to be worried about? It wasn’t like anything was obviously wrong; the three of you had been doing well recently with no major arguments and no qualms with each other or your living situation. The biggest problem you had was getting the boys to pick up after themselves when it came to laundry, but that was easily solved with one stern look and an apologetic smile as they rushed to clean up their mess. So it wasn’t about your relationship in general, but about you specifically. Was there something you had done, something you had said? You wracked your brain for a reason to cause your partners concern but could find none.

Shouto walked into the room just then, pulling your attention away from Izuku briefly as he made his way over to you. He slipped into the bed on your other side, the mattress dipping under his weight and squeaking as he nuzzled up against you. With you sandwiched in between the two of them, Izuku sought to continue his conversation with you.

“You do know the scale keeps track of numbers, don’t you, love?”

It took you a minute, but you were sure both boys could tell the moment that it clicked in your mind. The sheer amount of horror you felt was enough to steal your breath away, your eyes going wide as you realized what he was trying to say. They knew. They both knew, and you were terrified of what they would say. This was the last thing you wanted to deal with this morning, the one thing you didn’t want them to find out. You weren’t sure how to react other than to try and hide your face into the pillow, so that’s exactly what you tried to do. But shoving your face into the pillow couldn’t stop the tears even if you wanted it to, and soon you were furiously trying to wipe your cheeks dry as you stammered out something, anything to explain yourself.

“Normally this wouldn’t bother me! I’m s-sorry, I don’t know why it’s gotten to me like this…”

“Y/N, listen to us. Please?” Todoroki’s voice seemed to calm you a bit, the deep baritone sound grounding you as you nodded to let them know you would listen. “Izuku mentioned to me two days ago that the weights on the scale were different. I didn’t think much of it at first, but then when I came home yesterday, the scale was back out after I had put it away, which means you were the one who got it out, right?”

“Y-Yeah…so?”

“That means the different weight must be yours.” Izuku booped your nose with his finger lightly, a gentle smile gracing his lips as you stared up at him. “Sho said you’ve been acting strange lately, and I’ve seen it too. You just haven’t seemed like yourself, baby. Especially for the past couple of days…” Had you really been acting different? Come to think of it, you might have been a little more anxious and stressed than usual about your weight, and those feelings had seeped into your every day activities, slowing you down and making you feel sluggish and out of sorts. “You know we love you no matter what, right?”

You nodded once again but remained silent, too upset and relieved at the same time to say anything.

“It doesn’t matter how much weight you gain. We’ll still love you the same, and nothing could ever change that. Besides, quarantine has affected all three of us. You’re not alone in this.” Shouto rested his chin on your head as he spoke, a single arm draped over you and Izuku.

“I gained weight too since the start of all of this,” Deku admitted with a sheepish look. “It’s nothing to be ashamed about, though! It just means Shouto makes really good food. And you still love me, right?”

“Of course I do. I love you regardless of that.” You were quick to respond, the words leaving your mouth before you could stop them.

“See? We feel the same way. You didn’t even notice I’d gained weight until I said something, right?”

You hated to admit it, but he was right. To be truthful, you hadn’t noticed, and you hadn’t cared. Izuku was still your love no matter what he weighed, and you were much too captivated with his luscious green curls half the time to pay attention to something trivial like that unless he brought attention to it like he had done now.

“It’s okay to feel upset about it. We’re here for you no matter what, and you can always come to us with anything that’s bothering you. But something like this won’t change how we feel about you, and it never will. We just want you to feel good about yourself and love yourself. And if it makes you feel better…you saw how much of that pizza I had last night, right? I ate over half of the whole thing. I’m sure I’ve gained weight too.” Shouto laughed a little.

“You’re our whole world, Y/N. You deserve everything good that we can provide you and you’re worthy of all of the love we can smother you in.”

As if to prove his point, both boys gave you a bone crushing hug and rubbed their faces against you. Somehow, some way, they always managed to chase away your troubles and make you feel wanted and needed.

“Thank you both,” you managed to squeak out.

“We love you, Y/N.” Shouto pulled away from the two of you and sat up, a hand running along your side in a comforting way. “Do you have a preference on breakfast?”

“Bacon and eggs,” came the immediate reply from a smirking Izuku.

“That’s too bad, because I wasn’t asking you!” The other boy just laughed.

“Bacon and eggs are fine. But can we make pancakes too? With maple syrup and blueberries!” you added.

Izuku’s head shot up at the mention of pancakes, eyes so bright and excited you almost couldn’t tell he was sleep deprived. Almost. “I second that!”

“Alright, alright. Pancakes it is. But you,” Shouto turned to you, “stay here in bed and relax with Izuku. Make sure he rests his eyes a bit, please. I’ll bring the two of you breakfast in bed.” He cupped your face in his hands and brought you in for a tender kiss, and you felt every little bit of care and concern he put behind it. He gave Izuku the same treatment before standing to leave, his eyes locked on the two of you still laying in bed. “I better not hear either of you get up while I’m busy, or else.”

“What if I have to use the bathroom?” Your teasing words earned you an eye roll and a smirk.

“You know what I mean. Be good.” And just like that, he was on his way to the kitchen.

Beside you, Izuku snuck up on you while you were turned away from him, his strong arms wrapping around your torso and pulling you close while he started to press kisses against your neck.

“Izuku…” you whined.

“What?"

“What are you doing?”

“Showing you how much I love you.”

You felt the return of butterflies in your stomach as your heart raced. Izuku crawled over you and straddled your waist, lips still attached to your neck but slowly working their way down.

“This isn’t resting, you know.”

“I don’t care."

#poly tododeku x reader #tododeku x reader #poly bnha #poly bnha x reader #izuku x reader #shouto x reader #todoroki x reader #deku x reader #izuku midoriya #midoriya izuku #izuku #midoriya #shouto todoroki #todoroki shouto #shouto #todoroki

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polarisdelphi · 2 years

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Guys, I seriously need some insight on a ~weird~ situation.

Kinda like: I need to know if this is all in my head heavily influenced by years of abusive/toxic relationships and anxiety or if this is all ok. I need a reality check xD

So, I met this guy literally in the middle of the street for an event of our professional association (same profession, same events, lots of networking, this sort of stuff) and for whatever reason he REALLY wanted to talk to me. Guy is 20+ years older than me and has a lot more experience/references and a hell of a CV.

He asked for my cell phone number and I didn't want to give him, but I've been unemployed since the start of the pandemics and thought I'd be wasting a contact or eventual opportunity. So, I gave him the number, he said we could grab a coffee at his office one day and I said ok.

He did contact me, but wanting to have lunch. Fine, professional lunches, I'm used to that (at least I was back when I had a proper job) and then he metioned he could pass by my place and give me a ride for a really nice place we could have lunch.

My paranoid mind raised thousands of red flags and I've no idea if this is normal or not. Like, I don't think it's normal - I'm thinking "if I was a guy, would this be happening?" and my immediate answer is "no. This wouldn't be happening".

So yeah, is this all in my head and I'm reading too much into it? Am I unsafe? Or am I safe? Is this really an opportunity to network and get back into the market after SO long without a proper job? Or am I being played because I'm a woman and there are probably other intentions I'm not seeing?

I'm probably gonna delete this later 'cause my paranoia is SO BIG I'm afraid someone might find this post and SOMEHOW this will get to people I know/involved on the situation - but yeah. I kinda wanna hear other opinions, I need other insights.

#personal #reality check #delete later #I really don't know what to do #Kinda wish Dante and Vergil were real and I could take them with me as my 'bodyguards'#just in case I'm not being paranoid

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sometimesrosy · 3 years

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I have bouts of unhappiness from time to time, now more frequently than not. For more than a year, I haven’t talked to friends because of COVID and confinement. All of the friends I talk to are online, but there’s no human contact. One of them is spanish, so we never talked any other way. The others are mostly my boyfriend’s friends with whom we talk on discord. I only see my mom, grandma, boyfriend, and my cats. I work at a study center, but now even the kids I talk to through zoom because of a new confinement. I’ve been feeling pretty low and without a drive in life. I stopped reading, I stopped bullet journaling, I stopped writing, I stopped watching movies and tv. Recently I’ve started streaming video games, and honestly it’s the only thing that keeps me doing something outside of work, but I wonder when will I give up on it too. I’d like to blame this on the confinement, but even before we had it, I had already isolated myself from people. It’s really easy to feel lonely, to feel like I can’t connect. I know it’s not depression because I’ve had and I hit rock bottom then, so I know I’m better. I lost friends along my life, but most of it was for the best. I have found a life partner that treats me 100% well and who gave the best kitties I could have ever asked for. I have a mom that does anything and everything for me, a grandma that cooks for me, a house with fast internet. I have a job and students that like me. And yet, sometimes I feel like I’m here doing nothing? As if I have no purpose? I have so many interests it kills me to never be satisfied. I honestly think this is my problem. Anyway, I’m so sorry for the rant. I just felt I needed to let it out somehow. I know tomorrow I’ll wake up fine, but next week I’ll have another day like this. For now, I’m going to bed and cuddle with my boyfriend and kitties. I just wish I could change my perspective these days I’m feeling down. I don’t need to have a purpose, I don’t need to commit to hobbies. I don’t need to expect something of myself when I don’t even know what it is. Thank you for “hearing” me out. Please never delete this blog!

So here’s the thing I want you to remember:

You are living through unprecedented times. The pressures of a global pandemic, national upheaval, cultural revolution and environmental extremes have us ALL on edge.

When you take stock of your life, as you have here, you can see you’re doing pretty well. You have love and family and work and security and safety and the best kitties in the world, right? You KNOW depression and this isn’t it somehow.

And yet, you seem to think that you have to look for *your* problem, the reason why *you* particularly are feeling this way.

Nope. It’s not you. There’s not something wrong with you that isn’t wrong with everyone.

Now, I’m not a therapist, I’m not making a diagnosis here, but before this pandemic thing, there was a lot of upheaval in my life and I worked through it, leaving me in a really good position to ride out this global disaster that I wouldn’t have been in before. I mean it wasn’t good, but it’s like I experienced it before everyone else so am already on the way to healing from it while everyone else is falling into it. So from my experience and the research I have had to do for my own health and well being, what I think you’re experiencing is ANXIETY.

I think that because you told me you stopped doing the things you love, reading, bullet journaling, writing, movies and tv. That happened to me too. I mean aside from hyperfocusing on writing. It was rather stressful to STOP reading for me. And I kept feeling like something was wrong with me, then I discovered that not being able to focus on reading is actually a symptom of anxiety. And it’s common now. The world feels out of control and you feel like you should be doing something to fix it, only you can’t, and focusing on the things that are part of your life feels insufficient. You’re overwhelmed. Actually, there’s probably a bit of depression in there, too.

But I do know that I needed to read and watch COMFORT content. Something I’ve already read, or a literature genre that wraps everything up neatly in the end. For me, Historical Romance, because I need the Happy Ever After and I need the problems to be distant enough from my reality to not affect me. In fact, when I read a book that touches on traumas that are too close to real for me, I get tense and can’t continue. (I had this problem last week with a romance set in the civil war. I just can’t handle fictional racism and brutality in my escapism book when I’m trying to escape IRL racism and brutality. I think it’s because the MC was traumatized by it, where in the other books in the series, the characters were fighting it. Anyway, good books, The Loyal League Books by Alyssa Cole, the last is just hitting some of my triggers.)

Still, I find myself unable to read science fiction or fantasy. I can ONLY read romance. It’s very weird for me, because I love SFF. But my brain is struggling to handle all the real life chaos, and there’s really no room in it right now to have comprehend the big thoughts and new universes of SFF. So when Bridgertons showed up, which is my perfect genre right now, and which I’ve already READ multiple times, so it isn’t even new material for me, THAT is the kind of thing I can watch. Superhero shows where I already know the characters. Fanfiction where it’s just two characters falling in love over and over again.

I dont’ mean to talk about myself, but as an illustration, I wanted to show you. You are overwhelmed and your brain wants to rest. Video games seems to provide that. Okay! Keep doing that. Just like I finally had to sign up for kindle unlimited so that I could zoom through all the romance books for comfort reading without having to buy new ones all the time.

This is how you are coping.

And if I read your ask right. You’re a teacher. I dont’ know what kind of teacher or if you’re irl or distance teaching, but I do know that the stress of teaching in this pandemic is INCREDIBLE. Shoot, normal teaching is demanding enough, add the pandemic and OUCH. So I think you should recognize that you are a front line worker in keeping society running. You honestly don’t need to have a higher purpose than that... if you feel like you need to be DOING something important. You already are.

Everyone can only do what they are capable of. Some people are in politics, some people are developing vaccines, some people are stocking shelves, some people are teaching, some people are raising kids, some people are volunteering. You don’t have to do it all. Find your place in your world and accept that you are contributing.

What you need to do right now is to take care of yourself. You MUST have time to relax. Value your family and boyfriend and kitties, just like you say. Rest, relax. Do NOT burn out. Stay healthy. That is important especially now. Eat right and drink water and sleep enough.

I think you’re right. It is a matter of your perspective. You’ve forgotten that your life has turned upside down. You’re expecting activity/energy levels from yourself that you had before the world was a flaming dumpster fire. But so much of your current energy is going to surviving in that flaming dumpster fire.

EVERYONE is trying to survive right now, even when we have relatively comfortable situations. Recognize that and give yourself a break.

#survival #anxiety #depression #pandemic #deep breath and go play some video games cuddle your cats and hug your boyfriend

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otheenglishsetters · 3 years

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WIP (AKA, I never published my work on Tumblr before and I am TERRIFIED)

Hello! I finally gave in and splurged on a Xbox this year, which may have also coincided with my rising anxiety and boredom since I’ve decided to take a year off of college (my senior year to be exact). Luckily, my boyfriend and friends, knowing how I tend to throw myself into fictional worlds when I am stressed had recommended to me this sweet little game series. It was filled with space and wonder and characters so wonderful that they will make your heart hurt.

That, dear readers, was Mass Effect.

I had already played a little of the first game of the original trilogy at the very beginning of 2020 at my boyfriend’s house, long before all of my post-college plans came crashing down (as did the world too!)

So I finally invested my time (and money) into Mass Effect Andromeda in November of 2020. Let me tell you, after loosing control over everything else in my life [laying panicked in bed, constantly praying that the pandemic would not claim the life of my middle aged father after already losing my mother to lung cancer just two years prior], it was unbelievably refreshing to be able to have some resemblance of control in this fictional world (And yes, I realize that this is a video game and of course I have control). And the fact that what Bioware was doing was...pretty freaking great.

So, I apologize if this is coming off a pity-party, I promise, it isn’t supposed to be. It’s more like I had just finished my first playthrough of my first videogame ever and I am filled with feelings and emotions. I never post original content on Tumblr, and that’s mostly because I got scared off posting my work after receiving mean-spirited reviews when I posted my fanfiction on Fanfiction.com years and years ago (which is fair, because looking back my work wasn’t that great, but holy crap I was 14 guys!) I have not written creatively since my high school creative writing class in senior year, but this game and this winter, I thought I would try? And hopefully get to connect with other fans? Let me know what you guys think; I’m planning to add more chapters/content soon. Okay, I’ll quit rambling...

He notices that she tends to have a lazy eye. He’s not sure when exactly he notices this, but it’s becoming more and more apparent.

Which is not a problem, absolutely not. In fact, he thinks it’s adorable in a way, especially when she’s tucked into a pillow and loudly craving sushi.

“I wondered if she was mocking me,” Keema notes one day. Out of all the Angara Reyes has had the pleasure to meet, she still seems one of the few who can truly read humans in a non-lateral sense. Her favorite so far was when she discovered the music genres of both EDM and metal in the same day, “it wasn’t until I was approving shipping orders from the docks the other day I realized why. The Pathfinder needs glasses.”

She also loses control of her lazy eye, it seems, mostly at night, usually by 2300 hours standard time.

“I’ve been reading studies about team bonding.”

He hums as he rubs her back. Sara, despite commenting on the numerous things she’s done throughout her day, seems wired and intent on rambling. He’s okay with that. More than okay, it’s been years practically since either of them has had a free moment to even been able to just relax in bed and daydream. They probably both haven’t been able to enjoy this luxury since they were…teens? Finishing school and about to launch themselves into the military? For him, he figures it was before that, probably when he decided to work for that florist at 12. Sara gives bits and pieces of her life in the Milky Way but he thinks she was definitely a kid who tried to ‘help’ C-Sec with their cases, constantly looking for ways to help people in any way she can. He smiles. It’s probably a never-ending itch for her.

And now? He’s just content that he convinced her to come down to Kadara to ‘inspect Ditaeon’, or whatever bullshit she told Tann. Luckily, it seems that life is, slower? No, that’s not it, people are more than excited to create themselves anew here. Stores and trading posts are popping up everywhere and another hospital has just been built in Prodromos. There’s practically a whole shopping district in Kadara now, with outdoor venues and a movie theater that plays cinema classics every night. It’s more like they both are finally properly settled into their positions, like when a CEO is situated in a new company. Sure, the CEO may face numerous problems at first, especially if it’s during a recession or the company is about to go bankrupt. The CEO may even have to intimidate secondary managers and fight to gain respect; however, once the dust settles, whilst there may be everyday problems, it’s nothing compared to what it used to be. Usually, these problems are solved by lunchtime, mid-morning if either of them are lucky.

In the old days, when she appeared to be this amped up, Reyes would subtly (or not so subtle, it depends on how you look at it), swoon her until they had sex. It probably didn’t feel that way at the time, but sometimes Reyes cringes when he thinks of how rushed their attempts at romance used to be. Back then, they didn’t know how long she would be in the area and they would race to make the most of the evening. Now he wonders how much he used to unconsciously push aside the thought that either one of them could be dead the next day.

Errrr. Negative bedtime thoughts. Not good for sleepytime.

“Darling?”

“Yes?”

“Are you listening?”

“You were just telling me how you were reading various theses on social exchange theory but then you were already anxious about the thing that you have yet to tell me so you decided to read something familiar like one of the works by Dr. Brené Brown,” he pauses to give a quick glance at the data pad in his right hand. “Mi cielo, I have been informed to tell you that your contacts have been delivered as they were just sent in, along with the rest of the Tempest’s supplies, this morning.”

He liked to think he was a good boyfriend.

“I hate when you do that.”

“What?” Listen? Dearest, it’s part of the job description as your lover. Speaking of, remind me to pick up toilet paper tomorrow.”

“No, multitask.”

He sighs and reaches up into the upper center of her back. Oof, she really is tense there. “You do it too.”

“Not at nighttime!” She scowls and rubs her eyebrow. “Ew, when did I become an old prune as soon as it gets dark?”

He starts tenderizing the hard muscle. Mentally, he makes a note to remind her later when she’s not grumpy to do her prescribed yoga. “We’re all getting older dear. I’m thirty-one and the other day I heard my knees crack.”

She was silent. Any other fool would think that she was lost in thought while others would be jealous of the close bond she shares with her AI. Honestly, Reyes is just grateful she spends any of her time with him, let alone his bed. And if she occupies a part of it in a mental showdown with SAM, who is he to complain.

“SAM thinks you should get an appointment. Even if Dr. Nakamoto is busy, there’s plenty of others who are just as qualified. Also, I think Peebee and Jaal are sleeping with each other.”

Both he and Sara know the in(s) and the outs of their jobs so well by now, that he can probably predict easily what his men will ask for even before the message is downloaded on his office’ terminal. However right now, as Reyes stops reading a report on corn being grown on Havarl that he already skimmed over this morning over his huevos rancheros, all he can think about before checking to see if he is correct is how her left non-dominant eye is floating far out to the side.

Hmmm, who knew fraternization would be cutting into his beauty sleep?

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If you made it this far, thanks so much for checking this out! I apologize for any grammar mistakes. If you’re confused, this is set to take place three years after the Hyperion first makes contact with the Nexus in the Andromeda Galaxy. I was just so intrigued by the dialogue between Jaal and Peebee. And then, after the initial curiosity, I was about to forget about it when I came across some interesting dialogue while driving the Nomad...

Jaal: Vetra, I catch Peebee looking at me. Frequently.

Vetra: Peebee likes new shiny things. Uhh… and why not? You’re genuinely interesting.

Jaal: Vetra, remember when I told you that Peebee was looking at me? Frequently?

Vetra: Yeah? Is it getting annoying? Want me to say something?

Jaal: No, no, no. It’s… just that… lately, I find myself… looking back.

Vetra: Huh.

So of course I had to dig into that! And what better way to do so than by using my new favorite ship: Reyes and Sara? (Domestic times!)

Anyways friends, hopefully my writing isn’t awful and you enjoyed yourselves. I may wake up in the morning and delete this. Who knows.

Have a great day guys!

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sage-nebula · 3 years

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((do NOT reblog))

Lately I’ve been thinking that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I’ve been tired—like, extremely so—for . . . maybe a year now? If not longer. It feels like it settled in shortly after I started my new job back in March of 2019, so in that case it’d be more like a year and nine months, but it’s hard to say for sure. I thought for a long time that it was because of my new job, because I have to wake up early in the morning for it and my delayed sleep phase disorder means that I’m running on a lower than average hours of sleep each night during the week. But lately I think it’s more than that.

See, the thing is, it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get. Even if I get the suggested nine hours a night, I’m still dozing off a little after waking up, like a couple hours later. Even if I get twelve, thirteen, or fourteen hours of sleep in a night, sure enough I’ll be dozing off again a few hours after waking up. I have no energy to do anything on the weekends. Even if I get the aforementioned thirteen hours of sleep Friday going into Saturday, on Saturday I still feel so drained that doing a load of laundry leaves me feeling completely wiped out. This causes mess to pile up in my house, because I just don’t have the energy to get it done, because I only start to feel normal by Sunday night (and even then it’s like barely normal) but then the work week starts again. I had a four day weekend this weekend thanks to the Christmas holiday, and I spent both Thursday and Friday with no energy to do anything at all. Even when I didn’t feel sleepy, I felt so drained of energy that just laying there felt like the most that I could do. Today I’ve felt a bit better, but still recuperating. Tomorrow, my last day off, is the only day I think I’ll have the energy to actually do stuff and get my house in order. But then the work week starts again, and so does the cycle anew.

And the thing is, this isn’t normal. I didn’t used to be like this. Even when I was only getting like five hours of sleep a night, I’d just need a day or so of rest and then I’d be back at 100%. But now it’s like I’m slow charging, and it’s never enough because I don’t have time for it to be enough. One or two days of sustained activity is enough so that my body wants to shut down for like a week. And it’s not sustainable! It’s very hard to live like this! I can’t keep my house clean or do basically anything else because I feel so drained. This is also why I haven’t written anything of substance in so long; even though writing isn’t a physical activity (aside from the physical activity of typing), it still takes energy, and that’s energy that I just haven’t had. My battery is constantly in the red, yellow at best, and I don’t know what to do about it.

About four or five months ago, when I told my doctor about this, he gave me Antidepressant #2 in an effort to help it. That seemed to work for like, a day or two . . . then I went right back to falling asleep at my desk at work no matter how much I slept the night before. I recently asked him to up the dosage to see if that would help, and he agreed*, but then I discovered that upping the dosage gives me tinnitus, and people on the internet say that after they kept using it despite the tinnitus it got to the point where the tinnitus never went away even after they stopped the medication, so. I’ve decided to stop taking that one and I’m going to try to wean myself off it. I’ll talk to him about that on Monday.

(*He said that he didn’t think that it would help and suggested that I exercise to get more energy instead. Of course, the fatal flaw of that plan is that I don’t have the energy needed to exercise in the first place. Plus, my legs are such shit that even things like jump rope cause my right ankle and left shin to be fucked up for days afterward. He suggested I try yoga, since that’s a low impact exercise, and I’ve got myself a mat to give it a shot, but I don’t have much optimism about it making much of a difference.)

I looked up Chronic Fatigue Syndrome online and it honestly does sound like it fits. I’m constantly exhausted, I have daily headaches (which could be down to my genetics since I do have genetic migraines but still), I often have muscle pain in various parts of my body, etc. But at the same time I’m not sure if it’s actually that or if I’m just overreacting. Like I don’t know what the threshold is, or if I’m like, I don’t know . . . what if I’m just lazy? I don’t think I am, because there are things I genuinely wish I could do that I just don’t have the energy to do. I wish I could take my dog on hikes and long walks. Pre-pandemic, I wanted to do things like go to the art museum or the science center or the zoo. I’d like to do rock climbing, provided my legs could handle that, and so on. But even before the pandemic, I never had the energy on the weekends to actually go out and do those things. I’d want to! But then I’d feel so dead that I couldn’t even get out of bed before late afternoon / evening, much less actually go out to do things. Don’t get me wrong, I do take my dog on short walks at least once a day, usually multiple times a day, because I’d never neglect her needs like that. But it’s not the same as being able to take her out to a trail and explore new areas that would surely be more interesting to her nose than just our neighborhood.

So I don’t think I’m lazy, because I want to do these things, and even smaller things, like I wish that my house could be clean and that I could make all these interior decorating renovations to it, but I just don’t have the energy. But I still don’t know if it’s actually bad enough to be considered Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I still don’t know if I’m overreacting. What if this is a level of exhaustion that everyone has, but unlike me they can push through it? What if this is just part of Being Thirty and I’m just too weak to handle it? It’s like how I didn’t know if the pain I felt during my period was normal or not, and I still don’t actually. My gyno gave me the birth control implant to drive my periods down just because I asked for it, she didn’t actually diagnose me with any illness like endometriosis or anything like that. Sure, it felt like machetes were being shoved up into me every month to the point where I’d become incapacitated and sometimes even cry out in pain and sometimes even throw up due to how bad it was, but it could be that way for everyone, right? Maybe that’s just how it feels to have the lining of your uterus shred itself because it’s mad you didn’t get pregnant that month. How am I supposed to know?

There’s no real point to this post. It’s more that I just wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere. I don’t even know where to go from here, really. I don’t think my doctor takes me seriously enough to look into a diagnosis like this, but also I’ve never had luck finding a doctor that does take me seriously and I don’t really know where to start looking. To be fair, I do have an anxiety disorder and so I grant that my mind does find jumping to the Worst Case Scenario to be an easy one, but also the last doctor I had literally would not listen to me describe my breathing problems to her without dismissing me entirely, so. It’s been rough. Of course, even if I did get a diagnosis, it’s not like there’s a treatment, and definitely not a cure. So even if I do have CFS, what can be done about it? It’s not like knowing will solve the issues that it causes in my life.

I don’t know. There’s no point to this. It just really sucks to be fucking physically exhausted all of the goddamn time, especially since sleep does little to help it and I hate sleeping anyway since I have nightmares at least 75% of the time, if not 85%. (It honestly feels more like 85%. Maybe even 90%. It’s very rare that I wake up having not had at least one or two bad dreams that night.) I just want to have energy. I don’t know what that’s so much to ask of my body.

But anyway, DO NOT reblog this, or I’ll just delete it so the cut leads nowhere anyway and also block you, thank you,

#just medical ramblings under the cut #//--do not reblog--//

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cannibalisticapple · 4 years

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Okay, so I have some thoughts on Kurikuri’s decision to delete a large number of her fan fics, and on fan fiction as a whole.

For those who don’t know, Kurikuri (@letaizawarest) is a popular fan fiction author with numerous popular Erasermic fics, along with other fandoms. Around the end of May/start of June she deleted a large number of her stories, specifically those that featured either police, or those set in the My Hero Academia universe where they work as Pro Heroes.

To quote her post:

as you may have noticed, roughly half of the fics on my ao3 have been deleted.

i’ve deleted all my fics about police officers. also, after some thought, i also deleted my non-AU bnha fics, because although they might not be “cops” in name, they are law enforcement. i do not want to be a part of the system that glorifies the police.  

at the moment i haven’t deleted other profession AUs and high school era fics, but i will continue to reflect on their relation to the source material. even if you enjoyed the deleted fics, please do not circulate them in other formats (PDFs, EPUBs, etc).  

i also encourage other writers to think about cop fic they’ve written. while it may be fun and escapist for you, it still encourages the idea that antiblack and killer cops are just “bad apples” and that good cops exist. let’s dismantle that system of thought.

I have some very, very mixed feelings on this.

To start: I respect her reasoning, but I don’t agree with it. I fully agree that it’s not just a bunch of “bad apples”, there’s a serious issue with the system and how the police operate in the United States. I’ve always been bothered by how the police let other officers get away with horrible BS, even as a kid, and that rage has only grown as I’ve grown older and found out more about how screwed up it is on every single level.

But the way that last paragraph is written rubs me the wrong way because you can’t paint every single person in an entire career field as unequivocally corrupt, bigoted and all around callous murderers. Good cops DO exist. Plenty of people go into the career hoping to fix things, or just genuinely want to help their community in whatever way they can. But the thing is, they’re fighting a losing battle because the system is working against them. When they DO speak up against the corruption, bigotry, violence and other issues, they tend to get fired and blacklisted from the field. Or sometimes, they get outright murdered and it’s treated as a “suicide.”

A shitty fact of life: sometimes, the people who are more willing to resort to underhanded tactics and willing to turn a blind eye to corruption are the ones who climb up the career ladder furthest. And in the case of the police, it’s deep-rooted enough that it can’t be fixed internally anymore. But that doesn’t make literally every police officer corrupt.

I’m not posting this to make some political point or argument though. I obviously disagree with Kurikuri’s opinion, but I respect it. I can even respect her decision to remove the stories featuring the police, or even the ones heavily focusing on the characters’ jobs as pro heroes. I can see how heroes are just another version of law enforcement, because honestly, they are.

As a writer and a reader, I fully respect that it’s ultimately her choice to delete her stories. It’s not my place to make demands. She’s the one who created it, and as a writer I know the hard work and time that goes into crafting stories, so I believe she has a right in how it’s used and shared. The fact she shared it in the first place was something she didn’t have to do.

But the thing is, she DID share it, which is why I have this conflict.

As a writer, I’ve always believed that fiction can be more powerful than fact.

Fiction can give readers a window into mindsets you’d never imagine before, because you can connect more easily with fictional characters than real people on the news. That’s why Uncle Tom’s Cabin was so critical in the battle against slavery: it didn’t just gave a face to slavery, it let readers experience the characters’ lives directly. People got to see the struggles and suffering firsthand, feel the rising crescendo of hope each time freedom is in reach, and the soul-crushing despair every time that hope gets dashed by outside forces.

Fiction may not always be “true” or even “accurate,” but it can help us understand other people, see them as fellow humans, in ways that nonfiction just can’t. It can evoke emotions, empathy and familiarity in a reader that a news story or biography can’t capture because it draws you directly into their world.

And it’s that part—the part where readers enter this fictional world to connect to characters they’ll never meet—that leads to the other power of fiction that many people overlook:

Fiction has the ability to help readers persevere.

How many people reading this have used books to get away from trouble in their lives? To take a breather from all their anxieties and stress, and dive head-first into this other world for just a moment, where nothing else matters? How many people reading this had their whole lives changed by reading a story where a character’s words resonated with them? Where it helped them come to an epiphany about how to do better, how to be better.

Sometimes, the world is too overwhelming and we need to escape it. That’s the beauty of fiction. It lets us go to a world where our problems just don’t matter. Even if the world in question is worse than our own, it can still be a relief and give us hope because hey, at least we’re not living in 1984 or the Hunger Games, right? Stories are what keeps many people going through the hardest time, what gives them hope that life isn’t utterly hopeless.

And even after a story is finished, whether it’s fan fiction, a book, a show, or any other medium, that story will have a special place in people’s hearts. Many people will go back to those stories years later when they’re faced with immense stress and need a break from the real world, so that they can dive into the world that helped them persevere the last time they felt so bad. Just having a copy of it on hand can be a source of comfort even if you never read it again.

I want to highlight one phrase Kurikuri used in her post to describe how people feel writing stories about police and heroes: "fun and escapist”. That’s honestly so accurate, those stories are escapist, and that is why I’m so conflicted.

Stories about superheroes, while technically revolving around themes of law enforcement, are a form of escapism FROM police corruption.

There’s a reason that superhero comics are so popular in America. Superheroes appeal to a natural desire for justice because as so aptly pointed out, the real world doesn’t always HAVE that justice. It gives an ideal for people to aspire to, a glimpse of what could be, what should be. (Come to think of it, that’s probably why I hate the DC cinematic universe so much, it’s skewed way too much to favor the villains/antagonists and maximize suffering for the good guys.)

Right now, the world is full of more injustice than ever before. I can’t turn on the news without feeling my rage and stress boil over. Every day it gets worse and worse somehow, and I (and many others) genuinely fear that the United States may be heading towards a civil war this November. Donald Trump’s voice alone is enough to make my blood boil at this point.

I, and many others, turn to fan fiction so I can break away from reality because that amount of rage and fear just isn’t healthy.

I don’t have depression, or anxiety, or an abusive family, or a chronic illness. I’m not at risk of being made homeless anytime soon, nor do I need to worry about bills right now or going hungry. I’m a privileged white girl who has barely anything to worry about. What I’m saying is I’m fucking lucky and I know it, but I STILL can’t stand thinking about the state of the world and need to get the fuck away from it to take a breather for my own mental health.

And I also know that many people don’t have that option because their situation is so bad, they NEED to be aware of it at all times.

In the past when writing for other fandoms, I’ve had people tell me my fan fiction was the reason they did not commit suicide.

In my early college years I fell into the creepypasta community and was pretty active in it, especially on deviantArt. I don’t know if that particular fandom’s subject and focus makes it more appealing to teenagers going through rough times or what, but I swear, more than half the people I spoke to suffered from some form of mental illness, abusive or broken family and home situations, bullying, and every other way the world can screw someone over through means beyond their control.

During that time, a few readers left comments that waiting for my stories to update were what kept them going. They didn’t explicitly say that it was the only reason they didn’t kill themselves. It was more just remarks like, “Your writing is the only thing keeping me going.”

I’m not vain enough to believe my stories are so good, it made people decide to continue living JUST to see what happens next. Suicidal thoughts and urges are much more complex than that. But it’s still not something you expect to hear on something you write for fun.

I’ve thought about it a lot over the years, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it probably wasn’t because my stories were "just that good.” I think it was because they needed something to cling to in bleak times. That sometimes at the lowest point where all seems lost, people need just one little thought, just the smallest thing to push away those dark urges before they could fully overwhelm them. Something like, “If I die now, I won’t get to see how that story ends.” It’s such a small thing, but having something to look forward to can be so powerful in fighting off impulsive decisions.

It’s made me hyper-aware of just how powerful writing is.

To me, I see writing as a way of helping others. I give people that option for escape. It’s a large part of why I update on a regular, weekly schedule, and why I published extra chapters when the pandemic got announced and when the riots started. People need that comfort, that little break from reality to just sit and breathe so they can get through the rest of the day. I can’t do much to fix the world, but I can at least give people that.

Right now, people need that escape more than ever.

And deleting the stories is taking that escape away and causing MORE stress.

In times like this, people often turn to the stories they know will help most, and plenty of people in fandoms will first search up their favorite ships. They look for fluff, smut, angst... It helps people feel better to focus on these two people who are obviously in love as they work through their troubles.

Many times, readers will be more drawn to stories in the canon universe than radical AUs set in other universes. That’s how they were introduced to those characters. I myself can enjoy no-power and fantasy AUs sometimes, but what I really crave are how they interact in the canon world because that’s the world and versions of them I want to see the most. By deleting EVERY SINGLE STORY IN THE CANON UNIVERSE, that option was removed.

In many of the stories that were deleted, the characters’ careers were honestly a minor facet of the story. Some used it to establish the setting, such as treating injuries after a patrol. Some just simply used it to explain they work at UA, a school for teaching kids with superpowers. Some just had them work as heroes because it’s set in the canon universe, and never directly show ANTTHING about the work.

I’m not always looking for a story about how being a hero shapes and impacts their lives, and most of those stories that got deleted AREN’T about being a hero. That’s just one piece of their character, it’s far from the focal point. It could honestly be removed from several of them without changing the rest of the story.

I can get wanting to make a political point and I respect that, but by deleting those stories, you’ve taken away a key source of comfort from hundreds, thousands of people. By deleting the stories, you’re making the stress worse.

On Saturday night, I realized several of my favorite stories are suddenly gone. I knew Kurikuri had deleted a bunch of her stories, but I hadn’t realized just how many of them I liked. Some of them I’ve specifically sought out to reread multiple times in the past, never really paying attention to the author. Realizing they’re just gone caused me heavy stress because it made me paranoid about all these other stories I like to reread. I don’t expect those stories to be around forever, but I still didn’t expect them to vanish so suddenly. I never thought I’d need to download them to make sure I’d still be able to read them while the site is still up.

I spent hours searching out specific stories to see if they were written by her, and make sure they’re not gone forever. I have no way of knowing which ones she’d written and deleted because there’s not exactly a list out there anymore. My desperate search for those stories and one in particular (which I still haven’t found) contributed to the lack of sleep I got that night.

And I need to reiterate: I am mentally healthy and have no major stresses in my immediate life. And that’s why I’m hyper-aware of how this stress will affect people who AREN’T as lucky as I am.

If an author decides to delete their stories because they feel the stories themselves push harmful values or themes, fine. If they’re getting harassed, or it reminds them of a bad time in the lives, or they just don’t like that story anymore, okay. I can respect that and accept it.

But these stories were deleted for the EXACT reasons that people will be looking for them now more than ever, and that’s where I draw the line.

This applies to ALL fandoms.

If you as a fan fiction writer have more than, say, 100 kudos on a completed story or one-shot, there’s a good chance people will read and reread your story in stressful times. If you have a reasonably popular story that updates on a regular or even semi-regular basis, there is a chance that someone is using it as a lifeline to have something to look forward to while the rest of their lives go to hell. Maybe not because they specifically love it, but because it gives them something routine.

I want to make it clear that it’s not our job to care for other people’s mental health. Fan fiction writers don’t have an obligation to people, we’re doing it for fun first and foremost. We’re not some sort of saviors, and we shouldn’t think of ourselves that way or we can honestly screw people up worse. We’re not obligated to write these stories JUST for our fans.

At most, our stories are sources of support and comfort for readers. A little break from reality. If writing a story is causing you more stress than enjoyment, stop. Fan fiction, and all other fan media and stories in general, is ultimately created for the creator’s enjoyment more than anything.

Your own mental health comes first. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

But with how utterly fucked and unfair the world is right now, people need those stories now more than ever. So if you’ve got a story out there that’s fairly popular, please, please, PLEASE be mindful of your readers before deciding to delete it. Now is the absolute last time people need more stress trying to find a single story. And if you’re going to delete it, maybe give readers a heads up so that those who need it or have some powerful attachment to it for all the reasons I’ve discussed here can download a copy for their own personal use.

Don’t hurt your readers to make a point.

#fanfic #fan fiction #fan fic #fandom #my hero academia fanfiction #boku no hero academia fanfic #kurikuri #letaizawarest #erasermic #maizawa #writing #stories #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #tw suicide #superhero #superheroes

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a-big-apple · 3 years

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8 Favorite Works of the Year

Tagged by @mimik-u! Go check out her favorite works of the year, and read the rest of her stuff too because it’s fantastic!

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

I’ve been insanely productive this year, for a lot of connected reasons. The pandemic gave me many lonely hours to fill, which I might have just stuffed with tv binges and depression naps if not for fandom. Nothing wrong with tv and naps, but for me personally, that’s a slippery and unhealthy slope. The intensity of interest in my previous fandom was starting to fade, and I was emotionally ready for something different when Steven Universe came smashing back into my life and reminded me how much I’d loved it all along. Isolation led me to reach out online, get more involved, and the loving, supportive, and most of all creative community I found really made it possible for me to process this hateful year through writing and art and music. I’m so grateful to them for helping to keep me afloat at a time when any other productivity has often felt impossible. So, in no particular order except possibly chronological:

Conversations With Living People - Though not my first dip into Steven Universe writing, I think this was when I realized I had a LOT of stories I wanted to tell in this universe. This one skims the surface of some of the dynamics I was thinking the most about, before I quite understood which of my personal pains and joys I was drawing from. I can see in here the me of 2018, who was hit hard by ASPR and didn’t examine why, and it makes me feel like I’ve progressed as a human in the time since!

Secret, self-contained, solitary as an oyster - So much of this story came out of the utter joy of having people to talk to about SU! It’s been so validating to have friends who are just as excited and obsessed as I have been, and rereading this always brings me back to that joy of discovery, finding a new place to fit myself and my interests into.

What you’re capable of - This fic was pure indulgence for me. I loved outlining it, I loved writing it, I cried a bunch because I got to create something in which terrible things happened, but it was all okay in the end. The feelings of physical and emotional danger, of worldwide catastrophe, of helplessness and personal loss, all had a home in here where I could safely explore tragedy and end with comforting safety.

Pearl in a suit - Fic writing is an old friend, but art was harder to get back into. This was the first thing I drew this year that I felt really happy with, like I’d captured what I intended to capture, and like the last 15ish years with zero practice hadn’t completely erased any skill I once had. So, so rewarding, and also soothing, meditative, a really excellent break when my brain was too scrambled to write.

VolleyPearl wedding dresses and MegaPearl wedding suit - It’s cheating a little, but these two artworks go together inextricably. I was feeling melancholy, I needed a little softness, and I’m so pleased with what came out of it.

Hundreds of Pearls Zine - Cheating again, but this entire effort felt like one thing to me. I wrote a fic about friends’ delightful OCs, I made art of more delightful OCs, I helped to bring a huge collaborative project to life, and I got a taste for zine-making that I suspect will carry over into 2021. An incredible experience!

Decision 2040 - Absolutely the most I-have-to-write-or-I’ll-explode fic I have written, completely motivated by anxiety and hope and dread following the US Presidential election. By this point I’d learned, through talking to friends and talking to my therapist, that writing and narrativizing whatever’s pressing on me is a really good way for me to process. This was an attempt to stave off panic, and it worked, and I really love how it turned out and what it means as a snapshot of that particular moment in my life.

For this reason the sadness too passes - Again, using writing to process everything weighing on me, and I’m very very fond of the finished fic. The most recent thing I’ve written is often my temporary favorite, but I feel particularly proud of this as an exercise. It helped me, it’s a bit outside my comfort zone stylistically, and it’s a project with a deadline that I actually finished ahead of time!!

Tagging: @jeejyboard @coffee-b @redrockbluerock @gyros-zeppelis @pearldefiance @outerspace-iiinnerspace @grey-pearls-reef @dyescreaming @enbeebo , anybody in the Reef whose tungle name my bad brain has deleted, and @enemytosleep @terezis @raychleadele because even after moving fandoms I fucking love seeing what folks are doing popping up on my dash

#my fanfiction #my fanart #this was a fun indulgence!!!#i am proud of all of this #even if it was mostly just me scrabbling around trying to keep my head above water

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missanthropicprinciple · 3 years

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Personal 11/18/2020 - Wednesday

So, Monday night I was totally bored and was done with writing for the day and decided I should hook up my 4TB external hard drive to my tv so I could watch films on my tv instead of staring at my laptop. A few hours later I think I properly ejected it (I’m not sure tbh) and unplugged it. I plug it into my lap top and discovered to my total horror that there were no files on the external hard drive.

There were over 3TB of free space but everything was totally gone. For the following four hours I researched why this happened in a state of abject panic. I eventually discovered that I was one of many people who experienced this, namely, having a Samsung Smart TV reformat your files and essentially corrupt them. Apparently the tv doesn’t simply act as a monitor. I then downloaded “free” recovery software which ran for about twelve hours. I stayed up until about 7am (Tuesday morning) and then decided to sleep while it continued to recovered over 1TB of files. Then when it was done, Wondershare effectively held my files at ransom until I paid for a month subscription to the software license to the tune of $87. It looks as though most of my files were salvaged, however many video files are now corrupted.

Needless to say I was still very distraught, exhausted from only getting three hours of sleep and eating next to nothing. My anxiety was pretty high and still is a bit today. Best Buy charges about $400 for data recovery and the more professional SecureData Recovery charges between $400 to $2,200 (*gags*) after free estimate and $28 shipping if you don’t bring it to their facility. Needless to say, I cannot afford this. My computer froze Tuesday night so I had to reboot it, losing the scan but attempting to rescan it worked fine so I won’t do another complete re scan until tomorrow. I was able to transfer many files to another external hard drive that my mom dropped off at my apartment. So I will finish up the job on my own. I will just have to lose some files.

There is a silver lining to all this. My initial panic when I was scrolling through the thousands of files was that I lost the irreplaceable files. I searched for the scan of Dad’s alien registration card and found it, old home movies were intact, and the footage of an old restaurant we used to go to was also totally fine. And it turns out I have most of these files backed up anyway. I still have concerns but generally it’s not that bleak. I called it a day for the moment because I needed rest and went to bed at midnight to catch up on sleep. It’s Wednesday now. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I have placed a huge importance on digital files because I don’t have a lot else in my life right now. Money is tight, I’m dealing with family crap, my friends all live away from me and I can’t see the friends near me because of the pandemic, I have no partner and not even a pet. My dad’s gone and I’m lonely most of the time. Having my digital files saved and organized gave me some control over a small thing. Needles to say the digital hoarding has made things worse. So I spent some time today going through some files on my computer and just deleting a lot of useless crap that I was clearly not using. I also deleted some phone apps. Things have to change starting now. I have decided to delete as much as I can from my computers and hard drives and find better ways to back up anything important that is digital. It will take some times to come to terms with things but I feel like I can make this sad and stressful situation into something positive.

#Digital hoarding #personal

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galvanizedfriend · 3 years

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The thing about waiting a month for an update is really unfair for the ones that are constantly giving you all the support. I mean, i will support any decisions you'll make for sure but although you didn't ask for opinions I'm gonna say i really don't like the idea of waiting a month. Personally, i tend to forget a lot of things and this happens specially with fics, waiting that long (cause an update once a month is looong) now that we are getting close to the end will kill me. I totally understand your point of view and you are not the first author i see talking about how the things here in tumblr have changed, but for the ones that are really trying to get you no only the recognition you deserve but also tones of love and support with the story, well, is kinda sad. And i get it's not about us (although i make it sound like it is so im sorry lol) cause i know you certainly care for us, but still, waiting a month specially with all those cliffhangers? 😂 Of course i will wait if i had to but i rather not wait that long, i think an update every 15 days if more than perfect, but again, it's your decision and you should do whatever makes you happy and confident with your work.

The thing with the Wolf is that this universe is really important for all of us, this has become huge in our lives and at this point i consider it a masterpiece (yes, masterpiece), honestly this is one of the few stories I'm constantly reading over a over again.

The problem is tumblr? yes, but please don't consider deleting it, for some of us (and i mean me) this is the only way we can make close contact with our favorites author, and in my case is you and it will make me really sad if one day all of that is gone. You have to realized that you are a really important part of our lives now (want it or not lol) cause all the joy and happiness your work bring us, and we want somehow to give you that back, and the way we can make that is thanks to tumblr and the communication it allows us with you. So yep, i will always be grateful for all that you have brought to this fandom, literally all the dreams we had have become true because of your stories and i will be forever in debt with you for that, for all those moments you gave us that i keep really close to my heart ❤

I don't feel like waiting a month either, anon! 😂 Taking almost a whole year to complete this story is something that gives me the chills just thinking about it. Because it is being written as though it were a season of the show, the ideal for me would be to update it once a week, but I understand that I can't expect people to keep up with that and because these chapters are so long, I'd rather give people more time to read than kind of pile up a bunch of chapters on people to the point it would make people uninterested.

But I just want to make it as comfortable as possible for the readers. For me, it doesn't really make much of a difference because the story is written. I might edit the chapters a bit, rewrite one or two paragraphs, but it's basically done. So it's really about the readers. If it turns out people don't want more than a chapter a month, then, you know... 😂 So it's good to know more people prefer the 10 to 15 days time frame, because that's honestly as far as I personally think it can go. More than that and I'm sure I'll start to drift off. lol

So, you know, I didn't ask, but I welcome opinions on that from anybody who feels like sharing. So appreciate your message!

I really do like tumblr as a way to keep in touch with people and there are so many great fandom initiatives all around, I get SUPER DISTRACTED by the pretty gifs (I’m a girl of simple pleasures!), but if I say it doesn't bring me down hard sometimes, I'll be lying. 😂 The anxiety and the pressure is almost kind of inevitable sometimes, and I'm sure many people feel the same way. It's nobody's fault, obviously, it's a personal thing, but if it gets to a point where it becomes too much, I might feel like taking a step back.

It's not the case now, though. I took a day off yesterday and now I'm here distracting myself from elections anxiety in my country, so it's all cool. 😂😂 I’m glad I have some asks to answer.

Thank you so much for this really sweet message, anon. ❤️❤️ I've said it countless times before, but writing this fic has been the thing that kept me sane this year. With so much crap happening and the pandemics and some personal problems, both because of the pandemic and not, I would've definitely flipped if I hadn't found something to keep me grounded and distracted. I plunged into writing this like never before, got SUPER involved with the second season, even more so than the first, so I am both grateful to the people who have read it, who have shared their thoughts with me, who have left me comments, who have showed their appreciation in any way and have followed me here and kept up with this process, because that kept me motivated to keep going and I really, really needed that. So thank you!

#yokan answers #anon

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damonsbitchx · 4 years

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Florida Burn p.3

Hello, friends! Sorry this took so long to get done, the pandemic sort of fucked my life up lol But we are back now and better than ever!

Summary: This is a series I’m writing based on New Moon, but instead of staying in Forks, Bella moves to Jacksonville with her mom. If you haven’t read the first two parts you can read them here and here.

Word Count: 2,496

Characters: Bella, Renee, Phil, Jacob (through text)

Warnings: There’s a little angst but mostly good vibes.

If you would like to be on a general or story tag list, please send me an ask!

Dinner with Renee and Phil wasn’t awkward. It was actually easier than I’d expected. Phil asked me questions about my life back in Forks about how I liked the school, what kind of things I did for fun since it was always raining, and a few others to gather the information he seemed genuinely interested in getting. Renee asked me about Charlie and a bunch of other people from Forks she probably knew at some point. She wondered about the infamous little orange truck I always talked to her about on the phone, so I got to explain in detail everything I loved about it. It made me miss her a little bit. She also asked about the Blacks.

“How’s Billy and his son? It’s been years since I’ve seen them,” she beamed, popping a french fry into her mouth.

“Yeah, uhm Billy’s good, he’s still rowdy as ever when he’s around dad,” I huffed a short chuckle.

Thinking about Forks and all the people there did make my chest ache, but I’d probably only have to do this once and they’d be satisfied after that. I was just grateful she knew enough to not ask about the Cullens. I was getting better, but not that much better yet. Renee cleared her throat.

“And Jacob?” she grinned innocently.

“Uh yeah Jacob’s good too,” I mumbled, nibbling on a fry.

“Your dad told me Jacob left you his number, he asked me to make sure you got in touch with him at least,” she purred, obviously ecstatic about the situation. I cringed internally but looked up to her with a smile.

“I’m going to mom, after dinner,” I grumbled, trying to sound reassuring.

“Okay,” she sighed with a sly smile, exchanging a glance with Phil who was mouthing at her to stop.

She giggled and we finished our dinner in a comfortable conversation after that. I helped clear the table once we were all done and tried to do the dishes but Phil insisted I not worry about it. They seemed to cherish small moments together often like cooking and doing the dishes by hand. I’d never seen Renee do the dishes before, but Phil brought out the best in her. Granted, she only dried them, but at least it was something.

I stood in the doorway of the kitchen lost in thought and admiration for a moment watching my mom and her boyfriend laugh and fumble over wet utensils. Then, suddenly, I remembered the folded piece of Forks still sitting in my back pocket. Before I left I gave them one last look and smiled in admiration, then I turned and quickly made my way back up to my room which was now filled with the deep bronze rays of my first Jacksonville sunset. I sunk into the desk chair next to the large window and pulled out my phone along with the note, flattening it out onto the surface of the desk. I didn’t think I would go down this road so soon after arriving in Florida, but I knew Renee wouldn’t let it go until she got details. Besides, it would be good to catch up with an old friend. I hastily punched the numbers into the address bar but then realized that I hadn’t given a single thought to what I was going to say. I frowned at the phone screen, slumping down further. I mean, I only talked to him a couple of times while I lived in Forks. Sure, we’d known each other since we were kids, but that was a long time ago and we were different people now. After some moments of consideration, I decided I should at least tell him who it is and leave the beginning of a conversation to him.

“Hey, it’s Bella. :)” I typed.

Then, I frowned and stared at the words on the screen for another minute. I squinted my eyes and grimaced. Who am I turning into? I quickly deleted the smiley face and pressed send before I could think about it anymore. With a heavy sigh, I flung my phone onto my bed across the room and yanked a book into my hands. I needed to distract myself, this was getting ridiculous. My knees pulled up to my chest and I dove into something Shakespeare, not caring enough to acknowledge which one. It took great effort to focus on the words my eyes would usually scan mindlessly but it became increasingly harder with each ticking second. Occasionally, I’d catch my gaze drifting to my phone sitting in the middle of my bed but I would quickly drag it back to the dull pages that did nothing to hold my attention. Then, my phone buzzed causing my heart to leap, pulling me up out of the chair and across the room so fast my book clattered to the ground. I launched onto the bed, grabbing the phone and yanking it open. It was him. My hands were shaking now, but not in the way they had been for months on end. They were shaking with anticipation and adrenaline. The blood pumping through my veins was laced with a type of electricity I hadn’t felt in months.

“Bella, hey! I’m glad you texted, I thought maybe you didn’t get the note. :)”

I released the air locked in my lungs with a sigh of relief. Smiley faces are encouraged. Then, panic struck again. What do I say now? I really hoped this would get easier, but for now, I would spend minutes upon minutes staring at my phone trying to come up with acceptable responses. I was absolutely not going to involve Renee in this endeavor, she would definitely take it the wrong way. Jacob and I were only ever going to be friends. I just wasn’t sure how to go about becoming friends again. In order to waste more time, I decided to take care to add him in my phone as a contact, pressing each letter of his name slow enough to make sure the characters were arranged in the absolute right order. The phone vibrated again, startling me enough that it almost slipped out of my hands. My wide eyes squinted to read the text.

“How’s Florida so far?”

The answer to that seemed easy enough.

“It’s only been one day, but I know I’ll like it here. Forks is great and all, but it could use some more sun.”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed at my word vomit but pressed send anyway.

“Lol yeah, I guess so. When are you coming back?

I began to wonder how much Jake knew about me moving back with my mom. How much did I really want him to know? This could be my chance to start over with someone who doesn’t look at me like I might shatter to pieces any second. That always made it harder not to. I’m sure he knew the Cullens left, but maybe that was all.

“I don’t know, probably not until after graduation.”

“That’s too bad, I just got a project I was going to ask you to help me with. :(“

I felt the weight of my anxiety lifting off my chest with each message. The conversation came easier than I’d thought it would.

“Oh, I’m sure I wouldn’t be much help anyway. Maybe you can come visit me in Jacksonville sometime. :)”

“Hah yeah, maybe. How come you left anyway?”

So, he must not know much about the Cullens’ part in my leaving which was better for me but then again, what was I going to tell him instead?

“It’s complicated, but I mostly just missed my mom and the sun. I am my mother’s daughter, after all. :/”

Everyone in that town knew what happened with Renee and Charlie, even ones who were born after the fact. So, Jacob knew and I used it to my advantage. He couldn’t really argue with it and to be honest, part of me really did feel the same way she does about that town.

“Lol yeah, I get that. Well, I should turn in. Will you text me tomorrow?”

“Definitely. :)”

“Cool, goodnight, Bella. :)”

“Night, Jake.”

As I clicked the phone off I caught myself smiling but it wasn’t forced like most of them had been lately. It was the kind of smile you see on someone’s face after showing them something undeniably beautiful, the smile of hope and light. Those are two things I’ve been a stranger to for what felt like forever. So I let it sit on my face for as long as it wanted, sighing heavily and tossing my phone to the side as I flopped down on my bed. I rested my head on the mountain of pillows, turned so I could see out my window down to the street outside. All the cream colored houses that lined the sidewalk across the street were settling in for a peaceful night. I was still smiling. The light was just a dim glow behind the horizon now, fading with each passing minute. I breathed in slowly and deeply through my nose, cherishing the scent left in the air from the sun that had been shining on the pavement and the plants all day. The air wafting through the window was comfortingly thin and refreshing compared to the thick, damp air I remember breathing from my bedroom in Forks. I felt light and weightless. I’d barely thought about them during the several hours I’d been here and that’s several hours longer than I could manage at Forks. Maybe this really was going to be good for me.

I laid still, focusing on deep breathing while I watched the sun take her last breath of air before she disappeared completely and darkness fully set in. Renee and Phil peeked in to say goodnight on their way to bed and with that, I was alone in the darkness in this unfamiliar but comfortable room. I hopped up and trotted to my bag before too many thoughts could crawl into my mind, grabbing my nightclothes and toiletries and crossed the hall to the bathroom.

I set my clothes and bag down on the counter then a reflection in the mirror caught my attention. My throat tightened in horror but only for a brief second because when I looked up I realized it was me. My shoulders relaxed back down and the tension faded away again, but I still stared at the person I saw looking back at me in the mirror. Although she was me I couldn’t help but feel she wasn’t really me. Already, she carried herself differently than I remembered. Her eyes didn’t look so worn and dark, the circles under them from the past abuse they endured were still there but seemed to be fading already. Her hands weren’t shaking with anxiety like they always did and her back wasn’t as hunched over like it used to be, desperately trying to protect her heart from any more damage. She didn’t look like she was on the brink of death anymore. The realization silently signaled tears to the edges of my eyes, that dark hole coming to swallow me just like it had done so many times before, but perhaps for a different reason this time.

I’d only been in Florida for a single day, how was I already this different? My chest tightened at the thoughts that plagued my mind. I couldn’t already be moving on, I wasn’t ready. If I moved on he would be gone forever and that was the last thing I wanted. The mere thought of him disappearing forever elicited a strangled gasp from my body as the stinging tears erupted from my eyes. I stumbled over to the shower, one hand clasped over my mouth to muffle the sound, the other flailing to find the shower knob and yanking it to turn the water on. I sunk down to the ground next to the tub, my hand still pressed firmly over my mouth. My lungs burned at the lack of air as I tried to keep the sobs from escaping my chest by just pushing the air out instead of the sound. The last thing I wanted was for Phil and Renee to worry about me. I thought moving was going to fix this hole inside of me. Maybe I was wrong.

My attention was yanked out of my own mind when I realized there was a soft tapping on the door. I quickly wiped the tears on my cheeks with my wrist and shoved myself up to unlock the door. The yellow bathroom light illuminated the hallway and the shadow standing at the door as I opened it. It was Renee. Her head hung slightly like a toddler who’d just done something minor they weren’t sure if they should’ve done or not so they were waiting to find out if they’d be in trouble. I stepped to the side so she could tiptoe in, closing the door behind her. Then, I lowered myself back to the ground again, hugging my knees to my chest. I refused to make much eye contact with her, even after she had sunk down to ground level with me. I had always had issues with emotional moments with both my parents, but for completely different reasons.

“I’m sorry, honey,” she spoke softly.

My gaze was trained on the floor tiles just in front of my feet, the rest of me was frozen. I managed to nod in acknowledgement but I couldn’t bear to look up and see the empathy on her face like she knew what I was going through. I knew she only meant the best but she’s never really been the emotional supporting mother she wanted to be. I didn’t hold it against her, I learned how to deal with things on my own. She draped her arm around my shoulders, squeezing me into a reassuring side hug. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she whispered.

“There’s nothing to talk about, mom.”

“Bella, it’s been months, you have to talk about it sometime.”

“Mom, really, I’m fine. I miss dad, it’ll take a while to get used to it here. That’s all.”

She sighed heavily, obviously trying to suppress a frown.

“I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk, Honey,” she whispered.

Then, she pulled me in to kiss the side of my head and hoisted herself up and out the door again. After the door clicked I drifted into my clouded mind, going through the motions of muscle memory to take my shower and get dressed. I didn’t have any clear, coherent thoughts, I just kind of floated around in the emptiness. For once I wasn’t happy nor sad, I was just existing. Something about Renee offering her support settled some fire in me that I didn’t know was burning. She would be there when I was ready to end this, so I had until then.

General Tag List: @xmysec0ndself

FB Tag List: @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce, @lesbian-ravioli, @propagandaprincess

#twilight #twilight series #twilight saga #twilight imagine #florida burn #fanfic #twilight fic #bella swan #jacob black #fan fiction #fanfiction #writing

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mieczyhale · 4 years

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a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone)

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise) my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough.

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol)

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so.

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie)

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

#might delete later?? probably?? havent decided.#maison speaks #tinysquidrachel

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