#I think. logically either of them wouldn’t really fit an eye patch but. fuck it yknow

[higgs-the-god]

Actually… Sam might look best in an eyepatch… especially since he’s Just Some Guy who doesn’t do anything… probably just fell on a rock or some shit

#YES I’m still on about this #I think. logically either of them wouldn’t really fit an eye patch but. fuck it yknow?

[hyperfixationtimego]

Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Like

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

#sorry this took forever and i doubt it’s even legible my god #but yes angst 🥺 #mondo sweetie......I’d die for u.... #also not me getting distracted every fifteen minutes or so by spotify playing a song that reminds me of a headcanon for a different char 😳 #took me all day to write this I’m sobbing #danganronpa #ask box #mondo owada #car crash #car crash tw #trauma #trauma tw #angst #dr #ishimondo #daiya owada #the-human-sharpie #non despair au (danganronpa) #crazy diamonds #diamond brothers #kiyotaka ishimaru #trigger happy havoc #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #thh #dr thh #dr headcanon tag

[thewriterisalwayswrite]

Bad Choices

Summary: Logan has learned to ignore that little voice in his head that tells him when he is about to do something dumb. Fortunately, Remus is more than happy to fill in for said voice.

Pairings: Intrulogical

TW: Self-harm, needles, blood, Logan being kind of stupid

Word count: 1259

AO3

<-Last     Next->

There may have still been a very small voice in the back of his head that told him this idea was not a great one, but he’d learned to ignore it a long time ago. No logic in little voices that told you what not to do. No sense in listening to them.

As Logan carefully set up his supplies for his most recent experiment, he diligently ignored said warnings. While this experiment could (and probably would) put him out of commission for a few days, he wouldn’t die. He wasn’t even sure if he could die, but that was a question to be tested another day.

It was worth it, whatever happened. Roman had been losing far too much blood for his liking after frivolous run-ins with fantasy creatures, so Logan was exploring how blood loss would affect a side.

Unfortunately, his only test subject seemed to be himself. He wouldn’t subject the others to that, not even Janus. Not even after he’d been impersonated twice.

Finishing prepping his gear, he slowly stood. This was the last thing he had to do before he locked the door.

He had to check individually with each of the other sides to ensure they didn’t need anything before he disappeared for a couple days.

Patton said yes, he needed a hug, which Logan was quick to oblige, albeit a little uncomfortable.

Roman needed a schedule done, which Logan immediately handed over. He had finished it earlier that day.

Virgil said he didn’t need anything and closed the door in his face, which would have been offensive had it been anyone else.

Janus said yes , he absolutely did need something and why was Logan asking him ?

Remus, oddly enough, gave him a suspicious look before requesting something that caused even Logan to sigh and roll his eyes, annoyed.

When he returned to his own room, he ensured it was completely blocked off with a clear and concise note on the door. Then he began.

After changing into a soft black t-shirt and sweatpants, he began connecting himself with the machines he’d set up to monitor how he was doing. He fitted a breathing mask onto his face to be sure to keep his breath even and controlled. He then cleaned a small patch on his arm before finding a vein and inserting the needle.

He took a moment to gather his thoughts before switching on the machine, watching the clear tube fill with blood as it was transported to a container that would make it easy to measure.

He felt himself get light-headed and dazed as he continued to draw blood. This was something he’d expected, a common side effect reported by the twins after copious injury.

He allowed himself to lie down on the bed he’d prepared, fully expecting to lose consciousness at some point. The machine would not stop unless it detected signs of a serious threat to his life. In that case it would shut off, log how much blood had been collected, then start putting it back into his soon-to-be-lifeless body.

Foolproof, right? He was very proud of his advanced machines and convoluted plans.

As he laid there, breath even and arm stinging, he slowly began to see black spots in his vision. Then green flashing lights, bigger black spots, and he could no longer feel his head as reality slipped away.

Remus had done enough dumb things in his life to know when someone else was doing one. And Logan definitely was. There were little tells. In his eyes, in his voice, his posture. Remus had spent a long time watching Logan, learning them. He also knew the others’, of course, but Logan’s were the most concerning. He did stupid things, and then tried to cover for himself by saying it was ‘for science’.

Bullshit. Logan hadn’t needed to starve himself ‘for science’, or intentionally contract illness to see how it would affect his intellectual abilities ‘for science’. Logan was just dumb, and probably depressed, and apperently needed a full-time babysitter. Which was a role that Remus apparently had to now fill in.

Whatever it was, he should probably get going soon. He found his way to Logan’s door, and, ignoring his note, tried to force it open. Then he tried to sink inside. Then he tried to will the door out of existence. Then he willed an ax into existence and broke it down. At least that worked. He could always fix it later. Or now. With a lazy wave of his hand, the door was back on its hinges, and he was inside Logic’s room.

When he found Logan himself, he sighed, disappointed. Removing one’s own blood until one passes out is not a very intelligent course of action.

And by that of course Remus meant that it was really fucking stupid. Tempted as he was to just rip out the needle and watch the blood spill, he had to go about this in a smart way.

Ugh. Smart. Not his strong suit. But he had to fill in for Logan, who was supposed to be the smart one but bailed.

He started poking around on one of the screens until he managed to reverse the effects, returning Logan’s blood to his body. He did not care if he was ‘messing up’ a ‘science experiment’, this was not the way to go about something like that.

Once all of Logan’s blood was back inside him, Remus carefully disconnected all the machines and monitors, snapping them away and watching Logan peacefully asleep, chest rising and falling as normal.

Remus placed his hands on Logan’s shoulders and shook him.

After a moment of violent shaking, Logan came to, coughing and spluttering before settling down and looking up at Remus. “What hap’nd?” he asked blearily, looking around for his missing equipment.

That was when Remus slapped him, concern and fear gone and replaced with anger for doing that to himself. Logan sounded very affronted.

“What was that ?”

“No, that’s what I should be asking you . Where on earth did you get it in your head that this was a good idea?”

“You’ve done worse things,” Logan muttered.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah. That’s my job , wise guy. Yours is to be sensible and smart. Do you think that was either of those things?”

Logan grinned weakly at hearing Remus rant like a concerned and upset parent.

“Okay dad.”

Remus grinned, almost like his usual grin, just a bit more subdued. “Dad? That would be Pat. Try daddy.”

Logan sighed. “I regret saying anything.”

Remus laughed, a big, loud laugh, and Logan was relieved to see he was relaxing. When Logan tried to stand, though, he did get serious again quickly.

“You’re staying right there until I clear you. I’m not joking with you, Logan. That could have been really risky.”

Logan sighed. “I know. I just… I needed to, to know how to help Roman, and my only subject was myself, and-”

Remus interrupted. “Next time, use me. You know it doesn’t bother me.”

Logan gasped a little. “No, I would never- oh.”

Point made, Remus smiled gently. “Don’t do anything on yourself you wouldn’t do on me, okay?”

Logan smiled. “Fair. I’ll try.”

“You better do more than try.”

Logan smiled. “For you, sure. Since it is, for some odd reason, so important to you.”

Remus grinned again. “That’s right. Since you seem to be incapable of doing it for yourself. Which we’ll talk about later, by the way. But for now, just relax.”

And Logan did.

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #thomas sanders #intrulogical #logan sanders #remus sanders #logan x remus #fanfic #fander

[elsanna-shenanigans]

December Contest Submission #18: No Longer Here

words: ca. 2500 setting: Modern AU lemon: no cw: Mild language, incest guilt

Anna can’t sleep. She’s tried to for the past half an hour, but tonight’s events prove to be too much for her mind to let pass; and her restlessness doubles knowing that her sister still hasn’t come to bed either. She slips out of the covers and opens their bedroom door. Her footsteps are quiet along the carpet, listening for any worrying sounds. There’s a dim source of light coming from their living room, and Anna goes to it.

Walking through the hallway with the outlet that doesn’t work, the overhead light that flickers if you turn on the dishwasher, and the cream-colored walls riddled with patches to cover large holes made long before they moved in.

She finds Elsa, sitting on their lumpy couch with a blanket draped over her. Elsa turns around and smiles at her sister, under the light of their lonely desk lamp Anna can still see the puffiness under her sad eyes.

“Hey,” Elsa says softly.

“Hey,” Anna replies. She wonders if her eyes carry the same sadness.

“Can’t sleep?”

“Not really, it’s- I mean I guess I’m a little cold,” Anna lies.

Elsa opens up the blanket and tilts her head towards it, her smile grows more inviting even if her eyes say something different. “Come here. I’ll keep you warm.”

Regardless of whether she’ll take the invitation or not, Anna moves forward. “You sure?” she asks her sister wearily. “You’re still not mad at me for earlier?”

Elsa’s smile falters, but she can’t possibly think they weren’t going to talk about tonight. Maybe she was hoping to have this conversation on another day. Anna sees the same look she saw hours ago, a stress that comes from trying to keep the peace for a whole damn year, and failing. A stress that says she’s barely holding it together. It hurts to see Elsa try to take the burden on for both of them, but she knows her older sister’s too stubborn to let her carry her share. “I wasn't…” She sighs, “Anna, I was never mad at you. I just didn’t like how you acted in front of mom and dad, that’s all.”

Anna finally decides to sit with Elsa on the couch, warm arms welcome her into the fabric cocoon, hastily renovated to fit two. Her sister’s embrace feels as it always does: safe, secure, loving. She hears a soft, happy hum from Elsa when she leans into her shoulder, but peace won’t come so soon, so easily. “Well then maybe dad shouldn’t keep calling you a groomer,” she replies, holding back the other, more horrible things he said tonight.

If they weren’t in public, she would have reamed out the bastard. And her mother too, who let him say nasty things to Elsa while she stared blankly at them. It’s been so long since Anna’s seen any emotion from her.

“They’ll come around eventually, but until then we just need to keep taking the high road.” Elsa takes a second too long to answer, but it’s enough for Anna to know that her hope is weaning too. Anna’s hope died long before.

She looks ahead at their dark, paint-chipped wall devoid of any decorations and certainly any family portraits. They don’t even have a TV yet, just a laptop propped up on a small coffee table. Anna had the silly idea of painting a fireplace on it where they could “warm themselves up” during the winter. And while Elsa doesn’t necessarily object, Anna knows she’s holding out hope for a bookshelf when they knew can afford it.

When they can afford it…

It’s a miracle they could afford to this apartment to begin with. It’s a miracle their upstairs neighbors aren’t stomping around like elephants right now. It’s a miracle their power hasn’t gone out in two weeks.

But the life they’re living right now doesn’t feel like a miracle. It feels like a punishment, a condemnation for choosing themselves against the world, a heavy cost for love. Sisters shouldn’t love each other the way Anna and Elsa do, and yet here they are defying logic. But what good is that doing for them, right? Is love not enough? Do they no longer deserve a happily ever after?

The thought of that makes Anna’s skin burn with anger. She sits up quickly, startling her sister and taking a large portion of the blanket with her. “Why do we want them to come around, Elsa? Why do we keep going to these fucking dinners with them? It’s been a year and nothing’s changed, they still hate us- hate you- and we just have to sit there and…listen to them talk about us like we’re not even there. I hate it!”

“Anna, they’re our parents,” Elsa says in a tired tone, as if she knows that excuse doesn’t work that well anymore. “Understand where they’re coming from, what if you had kids and one day you found out they were in a relationship together?”

Anna scoffs, “I’d sure as hell be much more understanding than those assholes. Like yeah maybe I wouldn’t get it, and I’ll be freaked out at first, but if they were like you and me they’d love each other so much, I’d see it. I’d know what that love looks like, and I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.”

Elsa looks all ready to ask another question, but something inside her hesitates. Instead, she sighs and clutches at the blanket left on her lap. “Yeah…”

Curious about how she would answer it, Anna asks, “What about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you had kids, and they told you they were dating, how would you react?” It’s a little softer than the question Elsa asked, a little less real. They didn’t tell their parents they were dating, they got caught.

Elsa keeps her eyes fixed on her lap, really pondering this question. “I…well it’d be a lot to take in certainly.”

Anna knows her too well, she knows that Elsa wants to say more and really tell her how she’d react. But anything more would be a painful admittance of their parents’ mistake. Still, she prys one more time. “But would you hate them? Would you kick them out of the house and force them to live with friends and in homeless shelters until they found a shitty apartment to move into?”

Elsa looks at her with wide eyes, utterly shocked at the notion. “Of course not! At the end of the day, they’re still my kids and I love them.”

“Then you’ve already shown more kindness towards hypothetical children than our own damn parents have shown to us.”

Once again, Elsa looks poised to say something but hesitates. It’s not the time, the dinner tonight still weighs heavily on them both. She looks at her sister and says with eyes threatening to tear up again, “Anna, please. Can we not do this tonight?”

“I…okay. I’m sorry.” Anna drops the subject, disappointed yet understanding. A year might be enough for her to see their parents’ true colors, but for Elsa it’s going to take a little longer. Anna takes the blanket and places it once more around them both.

She remembers when they bought it. Three months ago at a thrift store, the same day they bought their couch. Elsa loved it because it was so big and soft, Anna loved it because the dog stitched on the corner looked just like the one they had when they were kids.

She missed Olaf.

Elsa, as a sign of gratitude, opens her arms again to invite Anna back in. Anna’s embrace feels the way it always does: warm, strong, calming. On the hard days, when she gets too caught up remembering their past and the nightmare they had to live for a little while, sometimes this is all she needs. When they once again settle into the couch, Elsa replies, “No, it’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize for anything, you were just speaking your mind. I wish I could do the same, but…”

She trails off, but Anna doesn’t need to guess what she was about to say.

“You still think this is your fault.”

Elsa bites her lip, and looks at Anna with a guilty expression, “I just keep thinking…what if I never kissed you underneath our apple tree? What if I’d just waited a little longer for mom and dad to leave so they didn’t catch us? What if I let that boy Hans ask you to prom instead of taking you myself?”

“Well, you definitely shouldn’t feel bad about Hans,” Anna responds with an amused grin. “I heard he got arrested for trying to rob a gas station with a water gun.”

That assurance doesn’t seem to be enough, however, and Elsa squeezes Anna’s hand. Maybe to try and assure herself, or maybe so she makes sure her little sister doesn’t leave her. “Still, I think that maybe at least your life would be a little better if I’d kept my feelings in check a little more.”

This is new, at least for Anna. She’s always suspected that Elsa’s held on to this guilt, but it’s the first time she’s ever vocalized it.

She looks at her older sister with narrow eyes, the orange glow of the lamp accenting the severity of her gaze. “You really think that?”

“Yeah, I do,” Elsa replies sadly.

“Then you’re an idiot.”

“Wh-what?” It’s a risky move to go with an insult rather than comforting her sister, but thankfully Elsa looks more confused than hurt.

Taking this as a good sign to continue, Anna places her hand on Elsa’s cheek and makes her keep eye contact. She knows her sister gets antsy when she gets too serious, but Anna needs her to listen. And she needs to see her eyes. “Elsa, you didn't make me go to prom with you, I chose to do that- hell, slow dancing with you to Thinking Out Loud is what made me fall in love with you in the first place. You didn’t force me to kiss you underneath the apple tree, I was counting down the seconds till mom and dad left so I could kiss you again like we did the night before. And you didn’t make me move into this apartment with you, I wanted to. I wanted to spend every one of those moments with you. And I want to spend every moment with you, good or bad, because I love you, dummy.”

Anna seals her statement with a kiss. It’s a little awkward to start given their position on the couch, but once she tilts her head up and Elsa moves down a little, their sitting arrangement becomes an afterthought. For a brief moment, their troubles melt away.

They’re no longer in an apartment barely large enough to fit one person, with a broken heater, and a roach problem. They’re no longer the scandalous sisters who had all images and mentions of them scrubbed from their parents’ social media accounts. They’re no longer the disgraceful outcasts that they see in the mirror when the other one isn’t around.

They’re just Elsa and Anna, in a world only they know, with a love only they can understand. And the fire cast upon them will never burn brighter than the fire they built together.

When they part, Anna adds a phrase she picked up a while ago. Something that always makes Elsa blush for some reason, “To the moon and back.”

Elsa smiles, containing her honest feeling of bliss, and replies softly, “And I love you to the sun and back.”

Anna rolls her eyes amused, “Elsa, you gotta find a better phrase to say than that.”

The smile fades into a frown. “You don’t like it?” Elsa asks, and Anna swears she adds a little bit of sadness in her voice just to drive in the guilt.

“I don’t like this image of you walking across the sun for me,” she explains. “The sun's really hot, you know? It’s on fire.”

“Well, maybe I’d walk through fire for you.”

Anna closes her eyes for a second as those words hit her like an arrow to the heart. “…okay, that’s a good one.”

Elsa grins proudly and leans forward for a kiss of her own, much more chaste so as to leave Anna wanting more. “See? I can be romantic.”

It’s highly successful, but Anna’s too proud to admit it or to grab another kiss in response. Instead, she scoffs and says, “I never said you couldn’t, you dork.”

“You’re a dork.”

“Well, you’re a bigger dork for loving me.”

“You’re an even bigger dork for loving me.”

“Fine, then I guess we’re both dorks!” Anna concedes. “Hopeless, emo dorks with shitty parents and a shittier apartment.”

It was nice to feel normal for a second, but they can’t hide from their predicament forever. Escapism can only take you so far, and they try to use it sparingly. Lately, however, it seems like it’s getting harder to escape from their reality, as if something needs to change unless the life they’ve built for themselves might come crumbling down.

And where would that leave them?

That’s something they can’t afford to think of right now. One day at a time, that’s how they have to take this. Elsa rubs her sister’s arm and instills a little bit of hope, “My coworker said they might have a vacancy at his apartment complex soon. It’s a little more expensive, but I’m hoping if I get that promotion, then we can afford it.”

And Anna contributes her own hope too. “I’ve got an interview for a restaurant position on Monday. Hoping that goes well so I can finally start helping with the rent.”

“I’m sure it will.”

Anna wants to believe…has to believe. If not, she’ll spiral down into a nightmare torrent of anxiety that Elsa will have to rescue her from. And she won’t do that to her sister, not after all she’s doing to keep them together.

But this night cut a little deeper than the others, and Anna needs to know. “…hey,” she says softly.

“Hey,” Elsa replies.

Anna looks into her eyes, searching and…pleading. “We’re going to be okay, right?”

Elsa smiles and kisses her forehead, “Always.”

Anna smiles because she believes her. “Good…” And she wants to say more just to keep the conversation going, just to settle in the solace with her sister, but a long yawn betrays her. She says defeatedly what Elsa already knows, “I’m tired.”

Smoothly, Elsa slides the rest of the blanket onto Anna and places her hands on her arms. “Let’s get you to bed.”

They take the same path Anna took earlier, neither in much of a hurry to get to the bedroom despite another yawn escaping Anna’s lips. Elsa opens the door and leads her inside, pulls back the covers and lays her on the bed, lays down the other blanket and kisses her one more time. Anna falls asleep with a smile on her face.

Half an hour later, Elsa goes to bed too.

#elsanna #submission #december 2020 contest #prompt: warmth

[holyfuckthisfishcandrive]

Waiting and Ghosts

First, Previous, Ao3

Word count: 2459

Warnings: mentions of murder, cops, drugs and feared robbery

Patton kept his phone on the counter for once.

The twins were still upstairs, having stayed the night and even though they seemed to be fine now Patton couldn't help but worry.

It had been a long time since he'd wanted a Tuesday to just end but Logan wasn't coming today anyway. Still, he couldn't just close.

He had closed early yesterday to catch Logic at the university. And that hadn't worked out either.

Patton sighed.

He could already tell that this wouldn't be a good week.

Out of the window, he spotted a dark figure.

Some teenager in a black hoodie.

They lingered by the door and paced in front of the shop windows before stopping at the door again. Their hands were buried in their pockets.

Patton froze.

In all the years he had owned this shop he had never been robbed. He should have known that his luck would run out sooner or later. But not today!

Not when Roman and Remus were upstairs and probably in no condition to defend themselves.

The teen didn't come in but he didn't go away either.

Patton knew that many bigger businesses kept weapons under their counters but for him had had never been necessary. He could defend himself but a florist wasn't supposed to be able to fight the way he could and he couldn't risk his secret identity like that.

He wished the teen would just go away.

The fingers on the clock seemed to move slower than usual.

It felt like he should've closed hours ago while he still had two more hours to go.

Patton groaned and opened his phone.

He still had never asked for Logan's number, he realized. Maybe he should have done that instead of kissing him. Maybe then they'd be able to text and talk more.

Who knew if Logan would even come back? What if the kiss had pushed him away and he didn't even want to come back anymore?

Patton shook off the thought.

The teen still stood by the door. Patton guessed it was probably a guy.

Maybe he wouldn't come in if Patton stayed on his phone because like this Patton could call the cops quickly. Then again, calling the cops didn't mean that they would actually bother coming.

"Patton," Remus called from the back. "We're leaving or our sperm donor is going to be super pissed!"

"Could you not call him that?" Roman asked. "See you tomorrow, Padre!"

"See you," he answered and heard the door shut.

Somehow being alone made Patton feel even less safe.

Great.

A dishevelled man came in and bought a bouquet while rambling to Patton that he was about to meet his hopefully future in-laws and his boyfriend had told him that his mother was violently allergic to the flowers he had bought and that he couldn't just show up without any gift. Patton offered a few words of encouragement and the man smiled nervously when he left again.

Patton smiled after him but it dropped when he noticed that the teen was still there.

He just needed to hold out till closing time.

Thirty more minutes.

He could do this.

Slowly he began sweeping the floors glancing out once in a while.

Fifteen more minutes.

He filled up some of the vases and self-watering systems for the night.

The teen outside stared at the sign with his opening times as if trying to decipher it. Or maybe burn a hole into it with his eyes. Patton wasn't sure.

Five more minutes.

Almost done.

He'd only have to figure out how to get the door locked faster than the teen could get to him. But he could do that.

The bell over the door chimed as the boy came in.

Fiddlesticks.

Patton put his keys in his pocket and kept his hands close to his body as he watched the teen wander around the plants looking almost lost but definitely like he was making the conscious decision to stay away from the register.

Patton watched him for a few minutes until he found the courage to speak up.

"Can I help you with something?"

The teen looked up startled and then sunk into himself again.

"I- Don't know," he mumbled barely loud enough for Patton to understand.

"There has to be a reason you came here, isn't there?" Patton asked, more and more confused by the kid's behaviour.

"It's uhm... My Pa comes here regularly and he can't today and uh... It's her deathday so I thought I should maybe get her flowers or something, I don't- Sorry, it's probably too late now anyway. Fuck. I'm sorry, I should just go-"

"Wait!" Patton stopped him.

The teen looked like he was expecting to get scolded for something.

"Are you Logan's son?"

He blinked.

"I- Yes."

Patton took a small moment to get a proper look at the kid. He didn't look very similar to Logan. Small and nervous, messy hair and patches and tears on his jeans and jacket. Eyes just as dark but bigger than Logan's and outlined in pitch black.

"Did you mean your mother with 'she'? Patton questioned on.

The teen seemed to realize his mistake and looked away from him again.

"Yes."

Patton did his best to smile encuragingly.

"Well, I'm sure we can find some nice flowers for her! What kind would you like to bring her?"

"I don't really know," Logan's son let his gaze wander over the different pots. "I'm not sure what Papa usually gets for her..."

"He picks out flowers for their meaning," Patton told him. "To send little messages. Is there anything you'd like to say through flowers to her maybe? Like how you feel about her or something like that?"

"I mostly... feel quiet indifferent," he admitted. "It's not like I've ever really known her. I guess I... I'd like to know more about her? But I don't think that's a good message. I think about her from time to time and kinda wish Papa would talk about her more. So I could at least know some things. I don't know."

Patton pondered over his words.

"That's not easy to put into flowers. But probably no easier to put into words, huh?" he managed to get a minuscule smile from the boy before it was gone again. "I think I might have some ideas though. Viola tricolour stand for separation "he pointed at the flower," Sycamore for curiosity, Lunaria for honesty or fascination and... Candytuft for indifference! Oh, and Asphodel stands for 'My thoughts follow you beyond the grave'. That might fit too."

The boy studied the flowers Patton had pointed at.

"Is there any flower that stands for like sorrow or something?" he then asked.

"Yeah, multiple," Patton nodded and tried not to think about the fact that Logan had never once bought any of these flowers. Maybe their relationship really hadn't been too good. that would also explain what the boy had mentioned - that Logan didn't talk about her much. "I have purple Hyacinth or Yew over there."

"I... I like those," the boy pointed at the Hyacinth and the Candytuft.

"Alright," do you like any of the others?" Patton began picking out nice ones.

"Those uhm something tricolour? And the white ones are also quite nice."

"Viola tricolour and Asphodel, alright," Patton mumbled and started cutting the stems to the right size.

"But isn't the shop closed now?" the boy seemed nervous.

"Oh, don't worry about it, kiddo! I don't mind staying a little longer and I'd love to get to know you a little!"

"Because you want to become my stepdad?"

Patton almost dropped the scissors he was holding.

"I- Well, your father and I-"

"I know that your dating."

"We went on one date, I don't think that can be called dating," Patton tried to argue.

"He said you kissed him."

Patton felt his cheeks flush. "He told you about that?"

"...I asked."

"You asked him about me?" Patton looked up curiously.

"Well, yeah. Afterall I told him to ask you out..." the boy seemed to shrink into himself and become quieter more and more with every word.

Patton chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I'm glad then! I was worried you wouldn't like me being around your dad."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, I'd understand if you wouldn't want some stranger around and invade your family."

The boy shrugged.

"Papa sounds quite happy when he talks about you."

Patton just barely managed to suppress the urge to ask what kind of things Logan said about him.

"So, what's your name, kiddo?" he asked instead.

"Virgil."

"That's a very nice name."

"Thanks, my Papa picked it out for me."

Patton burst out in giggles. He noticed Virgil trying to suppress a proud smile.

"Do you like the bouquet like this?" he asked and held it up.

Virgil studied it for a moment before he nodded. "It looks quite nice. How much is it?"

"On the house, kiddo."

Virgil frowned and opened his mouth to protest but Patton didn't let him.

"Don't worry about it, really! I'd just like to talk to you a little more if you don't mind."

"Well, I was going to bring them to her grave now," Virgil hesitantly took the flowers, "if you want to you can come along or something?"

"Isn't that something you want to do alone?" Patton asked.

Virgil shrugged. "I don't really care. You don't have to of course-!"

"If you don't mind then I think I just might. It's too late for you to just be walking around on your own. I wouldn't want anything to happen tp you, kiddo."

Virgil glanced over his shoulder to the darkening street. "Yeah, okay."

Patton locked the door behind them and they slowly walked towards the graveyard by the abandoned playground.

"You don't remember your mother, do you?" Patton asked after a little while.

Virgil shook his head. "I was too young back then. Not even a year old."

"I see. I'm sorry," Patton said.

"It's alright. It's just how it is."

They lapsed into silence again.

Patton tried to think of something to say. What did he talk about with the twins when they weren't talking about hero stuff?

"Where do you go to school?" he settled for.

"I don't... Well, at least not right now. Papa homeschools me. I only go to school sometimes if he has too many classes at the university or he doesn't know enough about something to teach me."

"Oh, that sounds kinda cool. I didn't like school much when I was your age."

"From what I know few people do. My mate tells me about it sometimes and I didn't like it either when I went."

Again silence.

The twins sometimes talked about their parents and fights with them but Patton could hardly ask Virgil about his parents. He knew more about them - at least his father - than the boy next to him. Maybe he could ask about that friend Virgil had mentioned?

"Are you going to go on another date with Papa?" Virgil beat him to asking the next question.

"If I wants to," Patton shrugged. "I would love to do something like that again. Maybe without the bank robbery but it was still very nice. And we'll always be able to remember our first date as the day those new villains showed up."

"Vigilantes."

"What?"

"I uhm... I think they're more vigilantes than villains," Virgil looked away from him.

Patton took a moment to get back on track. "If you say so," he shrugged.

"You saw them, didn't you?" Virgil asked and his voice shook slightly.

Patton reached out emotionally and felt a tinge of sympathy. The poor kid was brimming with anxiety and worry. He tried to wrap him up in calm as a way to soothe him a little.

"Yes, we did but just for a moment. It was a little scary at first but they didn't do anything to us. I don't think they were any older than maybe seventeen. Or less," Patton sighed. "With almost every day I wish that I could help the kids from around here more."

He noticed two figures in an alleyway exchanging something, probably drugs. He wished it was an unusual sight.

"Logan probably keeps you away from that kind of stuff, huh?" Patton asked Virgil.

The boy's anxiety spiked and his knees began to shake.

"Uh, yeah, course," he stuttered out. It was probably an upsetting topic. Maybe his friends were involved in the wrong crowds. Logan seemed like the kind of parent who would do anything neseccary to keep his son on the right track.

They reached the graveyard and Virgil mumbled a small "Hello" as they went through the gate.

A somber mood overtook Patton as they passed rows upon rows of gravestones.

Virgil kept looking around as if searching for the right one.

"Don't you come here often?" Patton whispered. It felt inappropriate to speak loudly.

Virgil shook his head. "Not since the funera- There."

He headed towards an old oak tree and finally stopped by a grave near it.

The headstone was rather plain but flowers and vases decorated the grave itself. Virgil kneeled down and took an old bouquet that Patton recognised and replaced it with the one he had brought.

Patton read the inscription on the grave.

     Here lies Caroline Marian Smith  

     Beloved Daughter, Sister and Mother  

     "Do Not Stand by My Grave and Weep, I Am Not There, I Do Not Sleep. " - Mary Elizabeth Frye  

A breeze made Patton shiver.

"How did she die?" he heard himself ask.

"Choked by some cop," Virgil whispered back. "Papa told me that her parents always blamed him though. That's why they don't send any cards."

"Why that?"

"Not sure. He says they never quite liked him. Didn't like when he knocked her up either. Or me, when I was born."

"I'm sorry," Patton said.

Virgil shrugged as if he didn't care but beside the crushing anxiety Patton could also feel sadness from him. To his surprise even a little bit of guilt.

"Thanks for coming with me," Virgil said after a while. "I can go home alone from here. It's not far."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. Still, thanks."

"Your welcome," Patton smiled at him. "I hope we'll meet again soon."

"Yeah, me too. Goodbye," with that Virgil left Patton standing by the grave and trotted towards the gate again. The dead flowers he had taken from the grave still in his hand he vanished down the street in the opposite direction of Patton's flowershop.

"Goodbye, Caroline," Patton told the headstone and decided to head home. It was late.

Next

Taglist:

@patton-cake

#sanders sides #patton sanders #ts patton #roman sanders #ts roman #remus sanders #ts remus #virgil sanders #ts virgil #platonic moxiety #creativity twins #background logicality #my writing #au #woethough au

[fightevilandthengetblownup]

CHAT:

#1 after the Whispering removed

Following on from Anna telling Jo to get over it, Jo making a comment about how Anna had her changed by someone who hates her while Jo was changed by someone who claimed to love her.

*Anna rolls her eyes* “Right because doing something out of hate is teh same as doing it out of love.”

“It’s /better/ than doing it out of love with the amount of damage that happens.”

“So should I be screaming at you for what you did to me?”

“I always thought you should have. Though really it was out of love for my mother, not you, that I did what I did.”

*Anna shrugs* “I don’t even know what you did, just heard in passing something about crazy pills and you. It just seems like everyone hurts everyone else for their own good is part of teh normal. Why are you so upset?”

“I got given the option of drugging you like you had been in past, or my mother would be facing the same wrath that the rest of us have from Crowley. It wasn’t for your own good, or at least not mostly.” *Jo shakes her head, not quite sure how to explain it* “I’m upset because.. because this is completely against what I’ve been told in past from hi- it.”

“Do you love him?”

“I… ….I don’t even know if what I’m feeling right now is what I feel or what I’ve been made to feel any more…”

“What did he do to you?”

“It-He changed the way I think, about how I view myself when it comes to hunting and stuff. Made me more careful and cautious and less likely to be selfless in situations. But I don’t actually know if that’s /all/ he’s done - given he made me forget he did it before. Could have done it before with something else without my knowing.”

*Anna tries to not smile* “Gee can’t imagine how that feels at all.”

“And you’re not upset about it..?” *Jo frowns back at her, not liking the almost amused tone*

“I don’t know. Should I be?” *Anna run her hand through her hair* “If Grey had asked you to not do something dangerous would you have not done it?”

“I would be if I were you and everything had been tweaked. Though maybe not remembering that it has other than what people say is a bit easier..  Of course I wouldn’t, I told him that when he asked. It’s not the way I am, and he’s known that for months. He’s never tried to actually stop me doing what I thought was necessary before.”

“You kind of strike me as the type that tells her mom she’s not eating a cookie from the jar and then walks out of the kitchen with them in her pocket.”

“Well in that circumstance - so long as I didn’t have a cookie in my mouth - I’d be telling the truth..”

“but then as soon as you get in the other room you eat them.”

“But then they’d be from my pocket, not the jar. It’s a simple matter of getting the words right… Really important, sometimes.”

“Being told to not eat cookies before dinner and saying your not, only to turn around a min later to do it is still wrong. Splitting hairs doesn’t make a real difference. I just think that for Grey to do something that drastic there must have been a good reason behind it.”

“Always was a little worthless telling me not to eat before dinner - I eat far too much.” *Jo sighs and glares at the other making a reasonable argument* “The good reason being that he could? Or that he didn’t trust me? Or he had some crazy feeling that I was going to do something crazy? He did it because he was paranoid and he could.”

“Rightttt….”

“What would /you/ think a good reason for altering a part of someone you claim to care abouts personality would be? Completely and against their will, and then making them forget that you did until such a time as you see fit to change them /back/?”

“I think if it was a matter of life and death it would be different. But running out infront of a car to get to the other side of the street because it gets you to your objective faster is a bit different than waiting to cross at the light when it really doesn’t change anything.”

“Do I really seem the type whose stupid enough to run infront of a car to get across the street? Maybe if there was only a distinct amount of time I had to cross the road, but otherwise..”

“You seem that impatient, yes.”

“Well, I wouldn’t. Usually. And that just pisses me off if that’s what he thin-thought.”

“Well you can always take up my answer to everything, icecream. It’s kind of hard to be angry with brain freeze.”

“I mostly hit the bars, hit or kill something, bake something or go curl up on the couch wit- …”

“With?”

“With someone who calms me down.”

“Talk to him about it, if you two love each other then it’s worth putting aside your anger and forgiving him Jo.”

“You don’t make the people you love change, Anna.”

“No you change because you love them.”

“By that logic then neither of us love the other.”

“And maybe that’s why he felt the need to do what he did.”

“…I’m not following.”

“You wouldn’t change or meet him in the middle..I mean I don’t know Grey that well but he just doesn’t seem like the one that do that on whim.”

“…I wouldn’t have thought so either, but honestly, what do I even know. Can’t remember how we became friends, seen him acting more and more out of character - or at least more like his siblings. I don’t even know any more.  …I didn’t need to meet him in the middle or change though! I wasn’t doing anything that would have prompted me to need to.”

“Because you’re just so great at understanding people right?”

“… point.”

“Just talk to him. You don’t want to end up alone. It sucks and from what I’ve seen you’re still you.”

“I don’t /want/ to talk to him! I’m furious at him and I don’t want to blow up or shoot or burn hi- things. He did something..really really wrong, you might not get it but our entire friendship has been based on mutual /trust/ and he obviously doesn’t trust me and now I don’t trust him.   …I am fine on my own. You on the other hand…”

“So you’re friendship is different to any other friendship? I thought they were all based on mutual trust.”

“Not always. I’ve got friends I know I can’t trust and they know they can’t trust me and it works out just fine..”

“That’s called having an acquaintance not a friend.”

“…You don’t get it. And I don’t want to talk to him right now.”

“How do I not get it? Because you have an idea that isn’t the same as the rest of the world? I do get it. You don’t bend to anyone or anything. You have a totally different idea of what a friend, you haven’t acted like one since I started talking to you and you just get mad and defensive. I never said go right now and talk to him, I just said talk to him.”

“You don’t get how damn stupid this entire thing makes me! I thought that we trusted one another, when obviously we don’t, and I’ve just…  I apologise then, seriously.  ..I don’t want to.”

“God, everyone here so fucking prideful. You know what, stay pissed. Don’t talk to him, save your fucking pride and everything that makes you a special snowflake and live alone. I don’t care. I don’t know why I even talk to any of you. Being an adult means doing things you don’t want too.” *Anna storms off*

#2 - Anna continues with the “You did this to yourself” argument/blaming everything on Jo

Hows Anna doing in deciding if she wants to talk to Gray yet still?

she doesn’t know but shes okay with talking

*nodnod* That’s progress, right?

maybe lol

hows Jo?

Jo’s more mopey than angry, been eating frosting since her bakings been burning, and just very weird. So progress lololol

awwwwww

Anna thinks Jo should still get over it

Understandable.   Jo’s not sure its something you can ‘get over’, and she’s feeling sort of really bad for treating Anna like she had about not remembering things or being freaked out.

“okay let me put it this way. How many other people are you going to find that’s going to put up with your ass? And willing to go to such extremes because he cares?”

“Probably none, with all things considered. But going to extremes isn’t a very good thing, especially when it restricts someone you’re supposed to care abouts freedoms.”

“You should know all about going to extremes from what I hear.”

“What is it you hear then?”

“Careless, reckless, gets the job done but is sloppy.”

“Doesn’t mean I effect anyone but myself usually”

“You effect everyone that cares for you, idiot. Grey most off all.”

“I haven’t died since the last time, I think I’m doing okay, so maybe I just dont get why people are worrying”

“……………. maybe Grey should have tweeked your IQ level when he was in there.”

“Why? I have…barely even gotten close yet again. I don’t get why it effects everyone that cares about me how I do my job, because the job gets done and I get out mostly unscathed. I’m not a complete moron, I don’t take on what I can’t do myself.”

“Do you even hear yourself? You judge things as being okay by how close or not close you get? That mentality worries every, you aren’t a cat, you don’t get nine lives.”

“Maybe not, but I’m on my second one, so who knows maybe I am. I judge it that way because..well, that;s the easiest way to. I might break some bones one hunt, I’m not dead. I might get a concussion or have a large amount of blood loss, but I’m not dead. I’m still moving, I’m still breathing, I’m fine.”

“And what happens when you don’t care about being dead anymore?”

“I keep doing the same thing I’m already doing until I’m not any more?”

“and what about the people you leave behind”

“People die all the time.. you learn to live with it.”

“You learn to live with it? Have you ever mourned anyone as an adult? Not as a kid?”

“Not I’m guessing in the way you’d mean.”

“then think about that, and I’m going to guess Grey and Gray have a longer life than us..”

“Uh… longer than me, that’s for sure.”

“So they get to the time you have..and then Grey gets to mourn you for the rest of his life and if you act careless, you’re taking time away from him.”

“Are you applying this same theory for yourself? You realise you somehow got the most psychotic, murderous, uncaring creature I’ve ever met to feel something for the first time ever and you’re not even trying to patch things over or work out the kinks or help him get over the woman he fell in love with?”

“Turning this on me isn’t a good way to get out of this conversation and he’s not the only one trying to get over tht other woman. But the point is I plan on being around whenever the time is right for us to talk if at all again.”

“Sure it is, I’d much rather talk about you than me. I’m not /planning/ on dying.”

“You aren’t doing anything to make anyone feel assured by that claim either.”

“Why not? I don’t want to die. How is that not reassuring?” (sorry was making lunch)

“Just..never mind you’ve never been in the place where you have to worry about someone. I don’t know how to make you relate.”

“I try not to worry about others anymore. I swear it aged my mother ten years and then another ten after.”

“Clearly.”

“Course that’s a lie though.. I worried about the..other Anna? Is that what I should call you, er, her, um..”

“I don’t know and you cared enough to hurt her. So..”*Anna shrugs*

“That was a case of caring about my /mother/ more so than my not caring about her.”

“Is all conversations like this? With Grey? You justifying your actions with the attitude that you’re in total control and not at fault at all?”

“I’m not saying I wasn’t at fault there, I very very clearly was - but I was saying that I worried about her before. A lot.  …I dunno. Probably?”

“And you wonder why he just did something like that?”

“I told him I wouldn’t lie to him and say I wouldn’t do something reckless in order to get rid of Crowley…”

“And the rest of the time?”

“…I’m not going to promise not to put myself in danger to save others.”

“What about because it’s a rush and there’s no one in danger?”

“Sometimes if you don’t rush to get the job done, it’ll get out of reach and then someone could get hurt or worse later.”

“Do you really hunt to save people or do you do it because like simply like it?”

“…Why can’t it be both? Why’s everyone seperate them out as the only answers. I want to save people, I want to help people and I like to do both those things, but, yeah, I like hunting outside of that as well.”

“Because you hide behind saving people like a shopping addict hides behind needing just one more top or it was on sale.”

“Well I don’t. I want to stop other people losing their families, I want to do something which makes me happy too.”

“Sure..but maybe you should start by saving Grey’s only family first.” *Anna walks off*

#3 -Scene right before Jo called Grey back to talk for the first time after the Whispering (and when Anna ends up sleeping over while Jo talks to Grey)

*After the last few excursions out of town repeatedly the last week, it had slipped her mind about having broken the coffee pot and running out of instant before the last demon chase; and with her sleep not being anywhere near as peaceful as normal, she’d headed into town for an after-dinner coffee run to get her through the night. Though as she got to the footpath in front of the house and spots Anna sitting on the stoop, Jo starts to regret getting a take away option or three.* “Hey… what are you doing here?” *Moving past the other, Jo juggles the drinks holder while unlocking and opening the door with the other*

*Anna hasn’t had a good night since she last spoke to Gray and she doesn’t know what to do, she feels lost as to how to handle him and everything else. Jo seems to know her as well as Gray and she knows him so she had put on her coat and headed over to the house she was staying in. When no one answered she checked around back, still seeing the car so she had sat down waiting on the steps. Jo returning fairly soon was a good thing as it’s getting cold now fast when the sun goes down and she stands as Jo walks past her holding her coffee.* “I..wanted to talk. Is it okay to come in?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” *Jo steps back against the door, holding it open and waving Anna in, tossing her keys haphazardly onto the small cabinet against the staircase in the hall, not caring when it slides down the back. She’s got time to get them later* “..So… whats up?”

*Anna walks inside looking around, she isn’t sure how to start or what to even say at first so when they move into what she guesses is the living room she bites her lip.* “I talked to Gray, my Gray and well yours too but it’s more about what my Gray said that sort of made me realize everything and just let me start off by saying. I’m sorry for my attitude and everything.”

*Jo nods in understanding when Anna talks about talking to the shadows, though she doesn’t hide her surprise at Anna having talked to the both of them that well. Sitting down, she sets her drinks on the table in front of her before kicking a few things off of the rest of the sofa for Anna as she grabs a drink* “Anna, no apology needed. Honestly, I’m starting to get a bit of an idea about your perspective, so.. it’s okay. Like I said first time we re-met - forgive and forget. Though, gotta ask, what’d he say that’s…” *Jo waves her free hand as though to encompass everything and Anna, raising an eyebrow*

*Anna sits down looking around, raising a brow at the holes in the ceiling.* “Gray, told me what happened. What all I did to him. I guess I finally got it, watching him talking about it. I don’t know what to do about it now.”

*Taking a large mouthful of her drink as Anna raises her eyebrow, Jo shrugs a shoulder* “He told you everything? Start to finish? Or just about..what ended up making things tense between, well, most of us?”

“About Crowley and what happened in the last few weeks. I already knew about like how he and I met. Gray’s been upfront about things I’ve been asking.” *Anna leans back letting out a sigh.* “Everyone seems so miserable now. It’s not fair that you all live with it and I can’t remember it.”

“Right, well.. things were hard at that time for everyone - you can’t really be blamed for reacting to such a change like you did. Lord knows how most people would handle it.” *Anna’s comment about everyone being miserable gets a laugh out of her, shaking her head* “It’s not your fault if people are any more; and last time I ran into Gray he seemed in a pretty good mood actually.”

“Probably because he was without me. I don’t get it, why he even wants to be friends. I said some really shitty things to him it seems and I just don’t get why any of you have tried to talk to me. At least Grey is clear, we aren’t friends.”

“Because? We’re all fucked up and who the hell else is going to put up with our crazy asses?” *Jo lets out another laugh, a tad more bitter sounding than the last one, before shaking her head and shifting to kick off her boots* “Because in our own way we - I mean me and your monster - love you, same as you do us, and it’s sorta easy to take the hits after a while?  …yeah, I’d have guessed that would be pretty clear enough..” *She takes another gulp of her drink, glad it’s cool enough not to scald her mouth as though it’ll wash away the topic of the other monster, before leaning over to set it on the coffee table*

“Love isn’t supposed to be about taking hits. If it’s toxic and it sounds like ours was then you purge it.” *Anna runs her hand through her hair and she looks at Jo.* “Grey’s hiding out in churches, it’s where I ran into him.”

“Sure it is, Bobby always says that family, love, whatever, it’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be hard and you’re goin’ to get beat down with it sometimes. That’s just how it goes.” *Jo shrugs a shoulder before shooting Anna a look. Turning away after a beat, she adds quietly* “Yippee for him.. …he.. …is he alri- not acting like his brother?”

“Besides looking like he kicked a puppy he seemed fine. We talked for a while before I wore my welcome out.  He really doesn’t seem the type to go out and pick up girls.” *Anna smiles some and she looks at Jo feeling awkward.* “I don’t know how to make any of this right with anyone. What should I do?”

“I meant more eating /people/. …don’t care if he decides to go out and do whatever else.” *Jo shrugs, tucking her feet up under her and shifting on the couch. Anna’s question though startles her, not having expected the other to really want her opinion  “Well, things are pretty right with me. We bicker, we fight, we don’t really apologise much and we just hang out. And you’ve never been friends with Grey, so it doesn’t really… count.  As for Gray…”

“Gray I don’t know what to do the most, I hurt him bad it seems and he’s still hurting over it I think. He wants to just take it slow. He out right said that’s why he put conditions that he knew I would never agree with.” *Anna sighs as she thinks about what Jo said about them bickering and so she reaches over and takes on of the cups of coffee for herself.*

*Jo makes an outraged squeak when Anna grabs one of her cups, before shaking her head* “Yeah, I didn’t think his…well, what I broke up was likely to be something you’d be alright with. Do you not want to take it slow though? What’s the issue? If you guys aren’t sleeping together and going to try for friends, then I guess both of you being yourselves is a good thing.”

“I don’t mind taking it slow, but I think by slow he means just be friends.  I don’t even know why, just you and him provoke the strongest feelings. And yea, basically he wanted to be free to do what he wanted too and when I said fine I get too as well he didn’t like it.” *Anna takes the top off the coffee, blowing on it before taking a sip.*

“Probably does, to begin with.. He’s bad at - heads up, its a double - being ‘just friends’. …probably as bad as I am.” *She laughs quietly to herself at the attempt at a joke, nodding though at Anna’s comments* “That would probably be because you and I were really close, friends, hunting partners, actual partners of sorts. And Gray… well, it’s like you both just connected. Really strongly. As for the not liking that kind of stuff, yeah, just..not in their nature to be alright with that.”

“I just don’t know where to start to make things up to Gray, he tried really hard to not be mad at me but he’s still hurting and I don’t want him to look at me and constantly be reminded of the bad things.” *Anna sighs before looking at Jo and then looking around at the house.* “Are you and Grey over with for good?”

“Just… well, you don’t think he’s any of the stuff you told him do you? That he’s said you said, I mean.” *Jo raises an eyebrow at Anna before tilting her head at the question, leaning over to grab her drink before shifting back and taking a few sips as though considering things* “I dunno. Haven’t spoken since he broke the news and went. …I doubt so, though.”

*Anna shakes her head quickly.* “For someone that’s supposed to be an evil monster, Gray tries really hard to be there and no, I don’t think he’s like his brother or that he’s weak.”

“All you have to do is keep feeling that around him then. Treating him like how you, like I dunno, feel he is. He’ll pick up on it.” *Jo shrugs again, relaxing back again and pulling the lid off her coffee to lick the frothy underside before tossing the plastic away and continuing to sip from the open cup* “Honestly, even I acknowledged he was a good guy for you. One of the reasons I agreed not to kill him, and didnt hand him over to his brother when Crowley gave him to me..”

“But this isn’t about if he’s good for me. I don’t think I’m good for him.” *Anna looks down at the partially drank coffee in her hands as she sighs.* “I don’t want to hurt him anymore and I feel like I keep doing it. He practically lets me get away with anything even though it annoys him or he doesn’t like it. I don’t know what to do to make him happy.”

“Yeah well, you’re good for him too. He’s less deadly when he’s been with you, he’s a lot less aggressive and definitely seems more happy than giant-jerk-asshole-dickish all the time.” *Jo lets out a small laugh at just how serious Anna seems to be feeling and how bogged down* “I’d say sex, but that’s kind of against the going slow idea.  ….try to pump up his confidence a bit, maybe.”

“How? It’s not like we date or anything and like you said sex isn’t a going slow method of things.” *She can’t help but feel frustration coming on as she doesn’t know what Gray likes or doesn’t like and the main things he seems to really enjoy she isn’t exactly a fit partner for.*

“It’s not like any of us actually do dates, though lord knows what he think would be an appropriate one.” *Jo raises an eyebrow, tilting her head to the side* “You’re the expert on friends out of us Anna.. How did you make your friends feel better before… everything?”

“I don’t see Gray as the box of chocolate and a spa trip sort of guy to make him feel better.” *Anna snorts at the suggestion of what she remembers for her other friends before this life and then the church.* “And a prayer circle is I’m sure totally out of the question.”

“Never know, he’s got a twisted sense of humor.” *Jo tries not to laugh at Anna’s suggestions, the mental images sure to haunt her for a while. Tilting her head to the side, she tries to think of something that could be helpful* “Well.. all I can think is he likes sex, killing girls and his razors. I’d try to think of his hobbies but that sort of sums them up.”

“Yes, take him to a spa and have the heated stone massage he can kill the girl and then relax in the steam room. Sounds like a plan to me.” *Anna can’t help the sarcasm in her voice as she’s not any closer to finding out what she should do.*

“Its sad that that could probably work as a plan. Though I strongly disagree with it.” *Jo sighs, smiling slightly at the sarcastic response* “Be much easier if he had non-destructive hobbies or interests.. Course, you could always just flirt with him a fair bit. Goes against the slow but if he knows you’re not givin’ it up, he doesn’t seem to mind the playing.”

*Anna sits there in thought for a while and she sits up placing the coffee on the table.* “I think I have an idea, do you have like around three hundred dollars I could borrow?”

*Jo jerks at Anna’s movement, giving her a strange look* “You’re not getting him another hooker, are you? Cause I don’t think he played with the last one really.”

*Anna turns red instantly at the idea that she bought him a hooker and she nearly chokes shaking her head quickly* “No! God! No! I..just something that seems to appeal to him that is perfectly safe!”

*Jo bursts out laughing at Anna’s response, finding her reaction beyond comical* “I.. …do I even want to know what this idea is? But yeah, I have some cash you can have. Don’t worry about paying me back, not mine anyway.”

*Anna still red as her hair nods and stands up, checking the time. She couldn’t do it tonight but in the morning she could.* “Alright thank you Jo. I should probably head back to my place, it’s going to be freezing soon.”

“You can always crash here if you want. Not like I’m sleeping tonight anyway.” *Jo just throws it out there as she stands up too, moving into the hall to open the drawer she keeps most of her cash rolls, an old habit from at the Roadhouse sticking with her, credit cards, and credit card offers. Grabbing one that would be more than enough, she holds it out to Anna like its nothing*

*Anna takes the money and thanks Jo again, putting it away, last thing she wants is mugged on the way home.* “It has to be lonely here after being used to Grey always being here with you. If you want the company and you promise to not shoot me then I could stay I guess.”

#4 - Putting this one up because of the ‘breakfast, lunch and dinner’ remark from Jo that just needs to see the light of day (Grey absolutely has to see that line because jesus girl) but also Anna yet again accusing Jo (whose been perfectly nice) of being a bitch offhandedly…

“What do you think I should do Jo?”

“Honestly? I’d give him a taste of his own medicine and let him know what he’s missing..”

“I mean about everything..as much as I try I’m always going to be that other Anna and I

’m tired.”

“…well, if you want to learn about her - I’m happy to talk; but..otherwise maybe trying to get your memories back if you want them.”

“I don’t know..I’m me, part of the memories I have are real right? Crowley only messed with part of them and when the other Anna came  back, it was like I died..the angel took over but now I don’t know anymore if I should have stayed dead or maybe both of us should have died.”

“That right there sort of sounds like her. ..She kind of regretted coming back for the second time. But Crowley messed with a bit - though the angel? She still remembered right up until you first went into the hospital years ago, actually. Just a little - or a lot - more than that as well.”

“She fell and I was the result, so in truth I was the lie all along..” *Anna makes a bitter laughing sound as she takes the bottle and fills a glass.*

“She didn’t want to be an angel, do you know what their like? They’re emotionless, cold, hard. Nothing feels the same as it does for us, like our human emotions but layered and layered in cotton buds.” *Jo sighs* “She wanted to be you, so badly. And I get the feeling she never quite knew if she was that angel or you any more in the time I knew her.”

“You know what’s stupid. I want to be me too and I can’t because no one knew me, all they knew was her and I’m never going to get out from under the shadow of her.” *Throwing back the shot Anna pours another one and downs it as well before pouring her third.* “She was a failure at being an angel, she fucked up everything she touched and now I’m paying the price and I’m not even real!”

*Anna’s reaction actually makes Jo laugh, reaching out to grab the bottle and pour herself a drink* “You were real Anna. All your memories up until your hospitalisation were real, your childhood, your parents..Your dad might not have biologically have been your dad, but your mom gave birth to you, they loved you as their own and you are real, Anna. …I wouldn’t mind getting to know you, if you’ll forgive me if I forget sometimes, that is.”

“Right..gave birth and because of me or Anna or us they died. And face it, you would have never tried to get to know this me, you would have just brushed me off as being a..what do you call it? A civillian and moved on with your next hunt. The angel was useful at least somewhat I guess.”

“My mom died because of me, thing I’ve learnt is that what demons do? Isn’t our fault.  Course civillian you wouldn’t have bothered to speak to someone like me as it is, would you?”

“I don’t know you look like you could use some saving..” *Anna snorts throwing back another shot, feeling it burn going down.* “But then I think I would have been talking at you than talking to you because it would have just bounced off that thick skull.”

“Just a little!” *Jo laughs, running a hand over her hair as she watches the other before leaning forward on the bar* “Course, I know my scripture, or at least enough. Apocalypse signs and everything… Still, I’ll get to know this you, civilian or not.”

“It’s not just you, did you know Gray is borrowing a body like I would socks..because I didn’t but it seems everyone assumed I knew. Everytime I think I get things figured out, someone decided to make me feel like an  idiot.”

“Oh god, I forgot to mention that didn’t I?” *Jo pulls a face, looking awkward as she takes her drink and pours another* “Sorry, I forget that some things aren’t common knowledge.”

“Doesn’t matter. I tried to do something nice but I messed it up I think and then I had a small freak out when I learned about monsters and angels being able to possess people. I’m sure Gray in the end is tired of dealing with me, I would be if I was him. He wants to just be friends and friends doesn’t mean dealing with the baggage because that’s all I am.”

“Wouldn’t write him off, but honestly, Anna, if you want to move on then you should either that or tell him you don’t want to be ‘just friends’, that your feelings are deeper than that and you want to work out a solution that makes the /both/ of you happy. …Don’t ask me where I’m getting all this from, I’ve been watching a lot of daytime tv and romcoms.”

“I don’t know, you and Gray cause feelings that I don’t understand. Gray, I get frustrated at because I don’t know what to do, everything I seem to try doesn’t work. He doens’t want anything but to be friends now because we got in a fight over if he has free reigns to hook up then I should but that didn’t seem to fit. He doesn’t like the idea of whats fair for the goose is fair for the gander. Gray opened up, told me what Anna did to him, he looked so sad and I don’t understand why he even talks to me if she did so much wrong to him but he does and he’s been nice and I tried to do something nice for him but I don’t think he liked it, I may have checked to see if he had been in to the shop and he hasn’t. So I don’t know, I feel like I owe him for what she did and he needs someone but I don’t know if I’m that person because my feelings are messed up and I want to do whats the right thing but I feel like I shouldn’t be selfish and push anything.” *Anna probably doesn’t need another shot but she takes one any way when she runs out of breath*

“What’ve I got to do with this?” *Jo shoots her a look before shrugging a shoulder, pouring the both of them another drink* “Just so you know, whatever idea you had was probably a good one if he wasn’t so uncomfortable in some situations. …my question is why don’t you just say he has free reigns and keep him too happy to do anything about it? Lord knows that that is not an undesirable task..”

“You just I guess you were the other person Anna felt attached too..” *Looking away she feels awkward saying that to Jo but she shrugs, reaching over and picking up a peanut on the bar and cracking it, peeling away the shell.* “He does have freedom to do what he wants..and I’m not what he wants so I can’t use that plan..”

“Yeah well, I was pretty attached to her too up until some stuff, so no biggie.” *She shrugs again, tossing her head back before coughing half her drink up at Anna’s comments* “You’re joking right? Pretty sure he’d be pretty happy getting back in the sack with you Anna..”

*Anna raises a brow at Jo’s choking and she laughs* “Once..we were together once and that’s when the whole just be friends thing started so it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that he really doesn’t want me that way now.”

“Yeah, no, that wouldn’t be it. It’s the goose and gander comments, goes against their nature really and he’s done it once before but… that didn’t end so well.” *Wiping her mouth, Jo sighs and pours herself another drink* “Probably just scared and calling it something else. God knows I’ve hidden behind ‘just friends’ for months even though I want to fuck them for breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

“It doesn’t matter if he wants me or not, I tried to start over, I did. I just wanted to be normal but I’m a coward and I’m afraid of being alone. I don’t want to be cut off from the only people I know.” *Anna throws the peanut down and has another shot, she’s lost count at how many she’s had and she’s feeling it hard now.* “If he wants to be friends then what right do I have to ask for anything else, the other Anna did everything against what he wanted and I’m not her..”

“Normals for people who’ll get their necks torn open in their beds.” *Jo quips back, shrugging before dusting her hands off* “So you’re going to just..what?”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to ever be normal. I could learn to hunt again I suppose.” *Anna doesn’t mention Gray because she’s not going to stop being his friend but she’s at a loss as to what she wants for herself personally now.*

“Take it from me, the other Anna kind of hated it.” *Jo lets out a laugh, sipping from her glass* “I could show you the research ropes again, that was sort of you and Harry’s /real/ jobs here until..you stopped.”

“I guess. It’s not like if I get killed now it’s going to matter much. You could use me for bait, I’m sure that would make hunts go faster and you say you’re a good shot. At least this way I’ll feel useful again in some way.”

“Think you’re underestimating how good your memory and research skills are, Anna. Hell, I’m guessing you were doing pretty good in college, am I right? As for the bait thing…I tend to end up in that role when theres more than just myself on a hunt these days”

“Research is fine and I’m just talking.” *Anna stands up, swaying as she steps back, her foot catching on the bar stool and nearly falling because she didn’t feel it.* “I should go home or to that place I sleep, home..that’s a laugh. You know what they say, can’t ever go home again Jo.”

*Jo leans across the bar to steady Anna, shaking her head* “Should just go upstairs, knowing Harry and Lily neither of them probably moved rooms.” *Anna’s babbling about home makes Jo sigh, barely containing an eyeroll even though she knows exactly what the other means*

“Nah I can make it home, walk off what I drank.” *Anna reaches over and hugs Jo tight without warning.* “You’re nice even though you act like a bitch at times. Thanks.” *Anna turns and makes her way out of the bar, trying to walk straight.*

#yay chatlogs

[notcompliant]

Headcanon :: The Dynamic Duo :: Steve and Bucky 

This headcanon is based as a sort of meta but also default for my dynamic’s between Steve and Bucky. Please note two things, firstly this is adaptable as varying portrayals obviously have different canons and styles and secondly it is a basis for mainly my MCU default verse. 

As such, if parts of it weren’t in your canon, or you really love the MCU dynamic you don’t have to worry but also please be aware this isn’t gushy and St.ucky praising. Because on this blog I will spill truth about Bucky no matter the cold chill it takes to swallow it. 

Don’t worry though it has soft openings and a chance to be better. I’m just not a popular sugar coater whoops. 

So on we go!

1940′s the Brooklyn Boys:

Bucky meets Steve as a young teen, helping him get out of a tight spot during a fight and taking him back to his mothers diner for patching up. The two bond quickly over sciences, technology, an enjoyment of games and a want for a better tomorrow. Becoming best friends is easy, and Bucky cared for Steve like he did all of those closest to him.

This care extended to helping Steve in other ways, some he didn’t know about. As Steve’s illnesses became worse the Rogers were struggling with paying for the multitude of medication. Already having a paper route Bucky knew it wouldn’t give much, so he began looking for a second job. 

The one he found wasn’t the best of things, or entirely legal. Bucky ended up boxing for money. Already having the athleticism and training for it from his self defence classes (his mothers insistence with the turning tides of society, his father wasn’t fond of it but understood) meant that he was good. Good enough to stay alive anyway, and good enough to make some bucks from it. 

Steve’s parents didn’t ask and he didn’t tell where and how when he turned up with the medication. Glad for the help, and happy to help the silence worked well and Bucky got to see his best friend keep going and well enough to be the fighting little shit he was.

Now at this point in my portrayal Bucky doesn’t have romantic feelings for Steve. More he doubles as both a carer and a friend. It’s platonic, but intense due to the twist that comes when your life revolves around keeping someone else alive. You’ve got to understand, between boxing for Steve, fighting people with Steve, spending time with Steve and studying with Steve almost 80% of his day was wholly and entirely given to Steve who became a major part of his daily routine and life. That’s important later so keep it in mind. 

The War:

Being drafted was what changed Steve and Bucky’s dynamic, oddly enough. Away from Steve for an extended period of time, with the memories of games and the comfort of his friend Bucky did what a lot of people do when memories all they got. 

He got rose tinted glasses.

Steve became a sort of safe space mentally along with his family, to the point that Bucky’s feeling to Steve went from the role of carer and friend to more romantic in nature. Separation makes the heart fonder and all that.  

When Steve then saved him from Hydra the first time, Bucky’s mental romanticisation of Steve lingered into something close to hero worship that most people experience when being helped. Attraction comes with it. At this point, Bucky is inexplicitely heart eyes and willing to follow Steve into deadly hydra operations against any and all form of fucking logic. But hey, they’ve got their best friends back! Yay!

God don’t we wish that lasted. 

TWS onwards:

Breaking conditioning isn’t easy. Contrary to MCU belief a cutesy hand touch from a pretty redhead you potentially banged one night wont do it will i ever not drag mcu? no It’s got to be something substantial enough that your mind has made it a long term memory, not a short term one. 

Steve is that substantial memory. 

For Bucky, Steve was 80% of his daily life for years, and then someone who saved his life, who he was very likely in love with, who he idealised. Steve was a long term memory and oof did that come back with a vengeance. 

The only problem we have here is that whilst Bucky’s memory is jagged pieces and he feels affection for Steve, it’s not at strong or as all consuming as war Bucky had it. Think of it like the difference between seeing someone you love in person, and waking up from a dream you can’t really remember but you knew they were in it. You still feel warm, but you’re not all that sure why or how warm. 

Steve however, is now in the situation War Bucky was in. Idealisation and Romanticising of memories and lost potential. Or, rose tinted glasses. 

Problem with rose tinted glasses? They have the potential to make you blind, and in like in this case, make things worse. 

Steve and Bucky’s dynamic becomes toxic. Yeah, yeah I embrace the rumble of an angry fandom with a smile as I walk back into the truth of hell. It WAS toxic and you can quote me on that. 

Here’s why though since I’m going all out with this.

Steve is currently in a stage of denial, and likely due to his PTSD though remember kids mental illness isn’t an excuse to be an asshole, is currently desperately trying to cling to his image of Bucky that is right now being shredded by reality. 

Bucky’s popping his Bucky bubble and Steve isn’t taking it well, it sucks all around, especially for us watching. 

Steve is currently Bucky’s only source of information about his past and his identity, Bucky trusts him because the memory of trusting Steve is a strong and driving factor. Steve meanwhile is driven by having his Bucky back. 

In any way.

Even if for instance he has to traumatise him into reliving potentially false memories, degrade him when he doesn’t fit the mould the way Steve wants, i will fight him for the “that’s not good enough” line alone try and stop me to outright just dismissing anything Bucky says or wants and gaslighting him into “no, no I know better! I know YOU” ( “i’m not bucky” “yes you are” “no im not” “you fucking well will be even if I have to drag you through a civil war and to wakanda by your pigtails” ring any bells?) 

NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG I DON’T THINK STEVE DOES IT DELIBERATELY. Please don’t confuse me here, I’m not saying Steve is a deliberate piece of shit, only that in his own desperation he accidentally becomes the worst possible way of helping. 

And uh, well, it kinda goes downhill from there. Sadly because Steve tried to protect Bucky and in doing so lost the trust of Bucky. This is especially fitting in my portrayal where IW didn’t happen, so buckle in we’re on our last legs. 

Steve lied to Tony about his parents yeah yeah we all know blah blah civil war BUT what people don’t want to talk about is that Steve didn’t just hide it from Tony. He hid it from Bucky also. 

Look, when Bucky watches that Video not only does he go through pretty violent flash backs and border on a panic attack, but he also comes to the realisation that he can’t trust Steve to tell him the truth. 

You can see it in the way he flinches back from Steve (who is closest, reaching out, and moves first) and the way he fully intends to bolt before the real fighting starts. 

In my portrayal he steps in to try and break it up, and only fights against Tony when Tony actively starts gunning for his ass. Which is fair. Well, it’s not because neither should have been in that situation and it’s a shitty situation but like, it’s fair he’s defending himself. 

BUT from there on Bucky has an issue, and that issue is that he doesn’t know who he is, he doesn’t trust his own memories and he knows he can not trust Steve to tell him all of it, or be honest about it, or to not keep things from him. 

Which is why Wakanda happens. Bucky no longer trusts Steve, and it’s not safe for him to be out. So he willingly agree’s to be frozen for a while, and let them see if they can help. Now in my canon once unfrozen he slips out of the hold because he desperately needs to learn about himself without Steve’s influence or control over the story. He NEEDS to find himself, he doesn’t hate Steve but he needs that.

By my main verse Bucky isn’t on either side, he doesn’t fully trust either side and he’s moving alone to try and figure out who he is and who he wants to be. Whilst the affection remains for Steve, it’s not romantic at that time, and Steve will have to earn his trust back just like all the other people who have (inadvertently or not) manipulated him. 

So that’s that! Thanks for making it this far, please come and cry with me about how both of them deserve better and then please give Bucky a friend he can trust, and also build a really dramatic and heart breaking reality stucky with me thank you. 

#( headcanon : bucky ) it’s like a memory from a dream #:: when will marvels reflection shooooow how unhealthy obssessive gaslighting is insiiiiiiideeeee #:: how much can i go against fandom tides before you all kick me out another blog by me

[laseroy89]

Don’t Do It Again.

My right cheek felt warm. The sun’s rays filtered through the slits in the curtain, and shone on my face. I rubbed the crust from my eyes, then sat up to stretch, flexing and curving my back. It was so satisfying, to hear my back crack, and feel the tension ease away.

I closed my eyes, soaking in the sounds of the morning. The birds were chirping without a care in the world, and rustled the leaves as they jumped around in the tree directly outside my window, looking for the ripe berries. The wind chimes in my neighbour’s backyard jingled in the gentle breeze, playing a calming melody. There was the sound of children playing happily in the distance, probably at the playground just a stone’s throw away from here. I opened my eyes and looked to my side immediately to see my phone’s screen flashing some words against a white background.

DON’T DO IT AGAIN.

Don’t do what? I was puzzled, and also a little angry. The dark bold words spanned my phone’s screen, and burnt into my retina as I continued staring at it. It wasn’t just a warning or a precaution, it was like….scolding me. For something I did wrong. What did I do? I don’t remember anything….I only remembered collapsing on my bed, tired after a long day of work. What wrong can a tired man do? Wasn’t it enough that I slaved at my laboratory everyday, to put food on the table? Wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?

“WHAT DID I DO!!!!!” I raged at my phone, my spittle splashing on my phone screen. The display sputtered a little, showed some static, before returning back to my ordinary home screen.

Phew. It was comforting, to see my wife on my home screen. Her lips, curved up in a beautiful grin. Her dimples, ever so cute. And her eyes, normally so large and mesmerising that I would lose myself in them, but were half-closed in the middle of a laugh. I touched her face with my thumb, only to open my planner app.

Hmmm. It was Saturday. Today’s breakfast was peanut butter and banana on toast. What a healthy and filling meal to start off a splendid morning.

I made my way towards the kitchen to make my breakfast, humming as I prepared my meal. I thought about my wife, as I coated each slice of toasted bread with a thick layer of peanut butter. She would have done the same, lavishing me with copious amounts of goodies, then giggled and complained that I ate too much. Then I would just shake my head and give her a peanut-butter stained smile which would have made her laugh out even more.

She was always the giggly type. She giggled when we cuddled in bed, she giggled when I gave her a goodbye kiss whenever I left for work, and she giggled when we binge-watched our tv shows.

I missed her giggles.  

I carried the plate over to my favourite wicker chair on my porch, and sat down with a grunt. My position overlooked the street in front of my home, which wasn’t very busy, one of the perks of living in a quiet neighbourhood. I remembered the previous house we lived in - it was just beside one of the main roads going into the city and boy, was it noisy then.

I picked up the newspaper that the paper boy had thrown beside the chair.

Man found dead at the roadside. Okay. Some bad news to start the day.

I read on.

The person was found dead on the grass patch right beside the junction where Barron Lane and Avery Road intersected, which was….just down the road. The police has ruled it a death due to unnatural causes. There were zero clues at the spot. No blood, no accident wreckage, no signs of a struggle, leading the police to infer that the body could have been dumped there. The person was identified to be one Auther Tager, according to the wallet found on his body.

My blood ran cold as I read that name.

I am Auther Tager.

This must be a coincidence. I didn’t know of anyone else in my neighbourhood named Auther Tager, but….well, it is indeed a unique name, but that was the only logical explanation. I mean, I was alive and well, right here with a newspaper in my hand, and two sandwiches next to me.

Until I looked at the photos.

There was a photo of the crime scene, with police tape sealing off the area, and what looked like a navy blue body bag surrounded by police officers. And on the top right of that photo, was a smaller picture of….me. They used the photo on my ID. The ugly one with pimples and my then stupid buck-toothed grin.

That’s just not possible. I am alive. I am alive, GODAMMIT!! There’s a mistake. There’s a mistake. No, there’s a mistake.

But I don’t remember losing my wallet. I patted my pocket. It was there, right there. I opened it to reveal my ID, glinting in the morning sun.

Come on, man. First my wife, then my work-life balance, now - me? Why has life got to be so unfair?

I wolfed down my sandwiches, threw down the newspaper beside my seat, and left for the junction. I needed to find out what was happening.

The junction looked normal. There were cars driving around on the road and there were pedestrians on the sidewalk. Some of them carried bags of groceries, some of them were taking their dogs out for a walk, some of them waited for the traffic light to turn green so that they could cross the road. It was just a regular morning, nothing unusual.

I walked over to the grass patch which was pictured in the newspaper. This must be where my body - or rather, what was mistaken to be my body - was found. There was nothing at the scene to suggest that though. The grass was a lush bright green, but short - must have been mowed recently. There were mynahs and ravens pecking around, foraging for food. Further away from the road, closer to the trees, there were children playing at the playground, while their mothers looked on and chatted about life. It was as if no one remembered that there had been a dead body here.

I’ve seen the crime scene. I needed to see the body, to confirm whether it was me.

The body must have been moved to the morgue at the nearest hospital. It has to be there - I work there, and I know that the police sometimes do autopsies there too. I fished in my pockets for my wallet - but there wasn’t any cash for a cab. Steal a bike it is, then.

Speak of the devil, there was someone cycling towards me now. I squinted, and made out my teenage neighbour, Stanley. He looked so happy, and so….old. He had a moustache now, and looked so fit and muscular. Huh, he had worked out quite a lot since I last saw him.

“Hey Stanley, do you mind if I borrow your bike for a while?” I said in a cheery tone, trying to disguise my urgency.

He stopped and got off his bike, and looked at me, mouth agape. It was funny, seeing his mouth open like that to reveal the chewed up chips inside. He looked like he had just seen a ghost.

Then I remembered I was in quite a hurry.

“Thanks, Stanley! Tell your mom I said hi!” I grabbed his bike out of his open hands, and pedaled away. I looked back after cycling for a while, and he was still there, staring after me. I sighed, and turned back. He was always a bit slow in the head.

The road to the hospital didn’t really look the same as I last remembered it. My memory was quite fuzzy, but I didn’t remember some buildings on the way.

Luckily, the hospital didn’t change much. That ceiling light and air-conditioner unit at the right side of the entrance were still not fixed. The third corridor was still narrow. And the morgue was still located in the basement.

No one seemed to recognise me at my workplace though. The nurses were new, and the doctors, well, were as usual too busy to even look in my direction. I made my way down to the morgue smoothly, which was weird considering how there should have been a greater police presence, since forensic criminologists should be examining the body by now.

However, there was only one person sitting in the morgue: the clerk, sitting at his usual place at the right of the door. It was some twenty-year-old kid, typing some stuff.

I pushed the door open, but it wouldn’t budge. Ah, I forgot that it was keycard activated. I pulled out my card, and slid it into the card reader. It replied with a loud “Access Denied”.

That was impossible. I am an employee of this hospital, I should have access!! I ran it through the reader again, but the same reply sounded again. Shit! Shit! SHIT!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!!

The door opened though. The clerk poked his face out.

“Good morning, Dr Tager! Please, come in,” he opened the door wide for me to enter.

“Thanks.” I muttered while keeping my cursed keycard.

“Anything I can help you with?” he asked, with the same smile on his face.

I wanted to ignore him, but I realised that I didn’t come down here very often, and the clerk’s assistance could help a great deal.

“Hey, erm, I’m looking for a body. Can I use your computer to look for its drawer?”

“Oh, no need to trouble yourself, Dr Tager. I can help you do it!!” He sat down, his hands poised over the keyboard, ready to type.

“It’s okay, I think I’ll rather do it myself.”

“Doctor, with all due respect….I am not allowed to let others use the facility’s computer under my keycard. And according to what happened just now….your keycard doesn’t seem to be working.”

Fuck. Well, I had no choice.

“Alright. I’m looking for….Dr Auther Tager.”

“Alright, please wait a moment….C44, Dr Tager.” I scrutinised his face for any signs of shock or fear, but there were none, just a bright smile. Either he was too stupid to link the two names I just gave to him, or he just wanted to be promoted so much that he didn’t care and just wanted to please any superior he could find.

“Thanks.” I walked briskly to Section C.

It was just there, but I was afraid to pull it open. I had hurried here in my rush to know the truth, but now that it was just a few fingertips away….apprehension enveloped me. I didn’t dare to….but I had to. Otherwise, how….how do I live this down?

I pulled the drawer open.

There was a body inside, with the feet sticking out of the loose wrapping. I gingerly reached for the toe tag, and…..it read “Auther Tager”.

It was this body.

I reached inside the wrapping, and carefully pulled the top part open, to reveal the face.

It couldn’t be. But it was. The same nose, the same hairstyle, the same mole near the bottom of the right cheek, that little tattoo of a sun in the hollow above the right clavicle….it was me. I was staring at myself.

A sharp pain erupted from the back of my neck, and suddenly, everything around me blurred. I leaned on the drawer for support, and sank down slowly to my knees. I clutched the back of my neck, and pulled out what seemed to be….a tranquilizer dart.

“Subject 69 is down, I repeat, Subject 69 is down. Dr Larsson, you can conduct your introductory session now.” That sounded suspiciously like that clerk. What an asshole.

I lay down on the floor, dizzy and immobilised. Every part of my body felt like lead. My eyes hurt as the bright fluorescent lights shone directly on my retinae. My fingers hung on the edge of the drawer for a few more laborious seconds before falling on my face.

Boots clattered into the room. Some dark figures loomed over me, giving me some respite from the blinding light.

“This is Subject 69. I know, he looks like your dear neighbour the late Dr Tager, but rest assured, this is not him. I know this is your first day here, and I know this may be shocking to you, Stanley, so….get used to it.”

Wait what? Stanley? A doctor? Okay, good for him….but why would he DO THIS?

“What happened to Dr Tager?” Stanley’s voice came out quite meekly.

I heard Larsson sigh. “Auther loved his wife. A lot. So when she died, Auther sort of went….mad.” I tried to grind my teeth together in anger but even my jaw was paralysed.

“He was still an extremely good doctor, but he dabbled in the occult, trying to bring his wife back, I guess. Now, you and I rational people don’t believe in such foolish stuff, even Auther didn’t, but what he went through….changed him. Of course, Mrs Tager never came back - but something bad, something illogical happened. Remember what happened a few months back?”

Several of the silhouettes nodded.

“A pity, that one. What a talent, wasted like that. Sure, we were both rivals, but I still deeply respected him. You see that one in C44? Yup, that’s him. The real Auther. For some reason, that body refuses to decompose.”

What the fuck.

“Then, ‘he’ keeps on waking up on his bed. We’re still studying why and how that happens. Those versions of him….they look like him, and seemed to retain some of the same memories, but….they are different. After receiving the first few, we realised that they were quite unstable, and could be dangerous to the patients.”

The few silhouettes bent down to grab my limbs, and moved me onto a gurney.

“So we decided to use them instead. Through some trial and error, we conditioned them.” Hands reached into pockets and took out my phone and wallet. “The first step, is to type this on the phone. It’ll provoke him and cloud his judgement even more. Then place them both beside his bed. I’ll give you more details when we visit his house at the end of the day. Come on lads, let’s get a move on. Right now, we have some new organs for transplant.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My right cheek felt warm. The sun’s rays filtered through the slits in the curtain, and shone on my face. I sat up to stretch, flexing and curving my back. It was so satisfying, to hear my back crack, and feel the tension ease away.

I looked to my side to see my phone’s screen flashing some words against a white background.

DON’T DO IT AGAIN.

Don’t do what? I was puzzled, and also a little angry. The dark bold words spanned my phone’s screen, and burnt into my retina as I continued staring at it. It wasn’t just a warning or a precaution, it was like….scolding me. For something I did wrong. What did I do? I don’t remember anything….I only remembered collapsing on my bed, tired after a long day of work. What wrong can a tired man do? Wasn’t it enough that I slaved at my laboratory everyday, to put food on the table? Wasn’t it? WASN’T IT?

“WHAT DID I DO!!!!!” I raged at my phone, my spittle splashing on my phone screen. The display sputtered a little, showed some static, before returning back to my ordinary home screen.

Phew. It was comforting, to see my wife on my home screen. Her lips, curved up in a beautiful grin. Her dimples, ever so cute. And her eyes, normally so large and mesmerising that I would lose myself in them, but were half-closed as she was in the middle of laughing. I touched her face with my thumb, only to open my planner app.

Hmmm. It was Sunday. Today’s breakfast was spinach and poached egg on toast. What a healthy and filling meal to start off a splendid morning.

I made my way towards the kitchen to make my breakfast.

#nosleep #horror #story #stories #writing #dying #death #corpse #resurrection #clone #occult #spell #relive #repeat