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#I want her to do a headlining tour soooo bad
queenoftherodeoo · 2 years
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Victoria Monét at Day N Vegas Festival
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How did you become a fan of Taylor’s? I’m curious about your story!
Ok pull up a chair!
It started when I heard love story on pop radio and liked it, so I looked up the rest of her music. I didn’t listen to country at all at the time. So I hadn’t heard of Taylor til then. So I got the CD at some point once it was out and I remember listening to it over and over and over. (Hey Stephen was my favorite non single). YBWM was the song I played on repeat and sang to a Lot. I listened to that CD so much I wore it out. So I only have the platinum one now. Anyway I just fell in love with her right away. I probably have listened to fearless a million times.
I will admit that when speak now came out I didn’t like it as much as fearless (don’t send hate) so I continued listening to fearless a lot. (I did love Long Live, enchanted and back to December). I was so annoying, I really didn’t listen to anything else except the radio and Taylor. Then Red came out (which I loved). Also in 2013 I ran a half marathon and I listened to Taylor and Taylor only for the entire 13.1 miles!! I had a phone then with barely any memory so that was all I had on it and I was totally fine with that. I had wanted to go to the red tour but could not go to the one by me but a bunch of my friends went so I had to see their pics and suffer.
Let’s see then shake it off came out and I didn’t like it very much, that’s around when I followed Taylor on Instagram, that fall, and I’m proud to say she was the first person I followed who was not a person I knew IRL. I actually didn’t follow any other celebrities or non irls on IG until 2016!!! I remember getting more interested in the 1989 album because of the lyrics she was posting, even though by that point I was sick of shake it off due to the radio playing it every half hour. I had been wary I would like the album since I was not that into SIO.
Because of the lyrics I started googling stuff about her and that’s around when I discovered tumblr existed. At first tumblr was kind of a news source for me so I would lurk a couple update blogs at the time for Taylor “news” type stuff. I also went through a big falling out with a friend and I remember spending that December and January aNd February binge listening to 1989. Specifically AYHTDWS and Bad blood. I really used her album to cope with that. Finally in I think March 2015 I made my own blog just because I realized that would make it easier to follow these few blogs I was reading even though I really didn’t understand how tumblr worked at the time.
Then I realized at some point that Taylor participated on tumblr so I would just come online also to see what she posted here to learn more about her. Her normalcy of being on tumblr plus her humor and also the advice she gave fans made me love her a million times over and made me soooo pumped for the 1989 tour which I had tickets to. I was so excited we got there before the doors opened even though there was nothing to do lol. Then I got a blowout flat tire at 1am on the way home and was convinced I was going to die on the side of the freeway. My friend had to do all the calling because I was a wreck lmao. I was picturing the headline, woman dies on the way home from Taylor Swift concert. Anyway I didn’t die and then had to work the next morning. I spent the entire time at work looking at resale tickets for that nights show, night 2, which was the night several of my other friends were going. I finally found one (a seriously amazing seat actually) I could afford and didn’t suck while I was getting gas on the way home from work and bought it at the gas station LOL. I went home changed my clothes and went to night 2 by myself cause I wanted to see the show again that badly. So I show up and find my other friends on the floor and they’re like wtf are you doing here didn’t you go last night and I’m like well .. it was really good, okay?
I then proceeded to watch almost every tour stop on periscope. I was so into it because her clean speeches were different every show and I loved that so much. And they had a big impact on me at the time cause I was going through some stuff so it was like my therapy.
Anyway, this is long and probly boring so I’ll stop but that is how I ended up here !
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myvelouri · 6 years
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Went to a concert today
It was a metal concert. I really didn't want to see suicide silence since they been actin a fool recently, but since I love their old music and I wanted to it live I went. They were very good. A huge disappointment was that only 2 of them were original members... So it wasn't really the whole band. Which is dumb as fuck and I wish I knew that. But the original guitarist was there and my God he was so fuckin cool. He was rocking out like crazy, he went all Kurt cobain on stage. He did that guitar feed back thing to the amp. He played a solo and basically toppled down just getting into it. Lmao I mean it was very Nirvana inspired. Then guess what they did? They played fuckin Nirvana, and it was GOOD. Seriously bad ass. The original guitarist also was the only one who hasn't said stupid shit recently so I still like him, especially after being a beast on stage. I wonder if it's recorded and uploaded. Oh yeah, they also went full out rockstar/Kurt cobain and trashed their instruments.
I saw this one guy go up to two cute girls and he legit went for it and got their numbers lmao. Me and two other guys saw and were like lmao, he did it. He was recording the show so maybe they traded info to see his pics of the show. Lmao who knows. I heard him, he was pretty smooth.
I saw a guy who was with his girlfriend, his girl was really metal whilst her boyfriend was there totally not into the show. He stood there stiff and sort of offput. Lmao.
Okay I honestly don't know why Attila is headlining any show, but they were. I was going to leave as soon as they came out. But I watched and I just sat to watch the cringe show. The lead singer is such a fucking douche. He has this nasaly voice and he says cringey shit like "hellll yeeeeeeah... Babiiii" and it's extremely awkward. He talks like Malibu's most wanted's derptard second cousin or some shit. And he was boasting about how they are a party metal band. Just awful. He kept endorsing alcohol, drugs and sex a little too much as if he thinks it's soooo cool. I guess that's his image right? I think that's really him though. He wanted girls to take their tops off and after really peer pressuring-kinda vibe bitching about it girls started throwing their bras on stage. I saw some girls take their tops off. I found him forcing that shit to happen to be hella douchey. Surprisingly some girls topless aroused me a little bit cause idk it was totally unexpected. I mean just a little. The whole thing was a mess though. I wish suicide silence had a headliner show. Their set was awesome. It was very grunge inspired and they even played a bit of smashing pumpkins briefly. Super awesome.
Attila sucks lol. Just, no. Lol. I have no idea how they have a fan base. And I have no idea how suicide silence is touring with them.
Volumes played too, they were pretty good. The lead singer had a purse with him which I didn't totally get lmao. I think he usually has a guitar strapped around him and so since he didn't have one he got a purse. Lmao. Idk.
The venue was actually really nice. It was inside and downstairs. Kind of like warehouse live or house of blues but more newer.
Also I had a root canal today, that shit hurts, and I honestly think my dentist did the wrong tooth. Ffs he did it on the tooth I just had filled because I had a cavity. I paid out of pocket... That pisses me off.
Anyway, I'm still in awe of how awesome the guitarist was in suicide silence. Man I really want to play music too, I want to play live so bad. I want to actually do it.
I was gonna buy a suicide silence tank top, it looked awesome... But I think the band has been shitty towards their fans too much recently which is sad, but yeah. Idk.
And Attila still sucks.
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didiletyouknooow · 7 years
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57. The Longest Wave
Hey,
after one week of travelling I’m finally back home and even finished the new chapter.  I’m SO curious what you’ll think about this chapter because it changes the plot again.  For everyone who want Josh & Eileen to meet again, you should read it ;) I hope you like it!  NOW I have another announcement to make: Because I love writing and even started a German music blog I had the idea of starting to write in English as well. So I created another tumblr blog where I’ll write about music, festivals, travelling and other random thoughts!
I would be pleased if you would take a look at this blog!  Here you go: https://order-disorder-blog.tumblr.com/ 
Thank you for reading!  _____________________
December 2019
„Who wants to have a burger?“ Felix asked laughing. “Sorry mate, not tonight. I’m so tired” Sebastian said.
We were a group of 15 people who was leaving the venue in the middle of the night. Sebastian and his band played this years last concert in Berlin. For the first time in their career 8000 people attended the concert. He still couldn’t believe it. I saw it in his eyes. He was so happy. Tired but also happy. This year was one of his most successful years during his career with his band. Their second album entered the top position of the charts in Germany. A sold out club tour followed, they played many big festival shows in summer and in autumn they started their first headliner tour in bigger venues which ended on this day, December 30, in Berlin.
“I’m soooo happy!” Sebastian grinned at me. We were holding hands while walking to the exit of the venue. “And I’m so tired” I moaned. “Oh, wait” he said and before I knew what was happening he gave me a piggyback ride. “What are you doing?” I laughed. “I’m just having fun with my girlfriend” he answered giggling. This was the moment when Felix put out his phone and took a photo of us. While Sebastian was looking at me I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. “What a lovely picture!” Felix said when he looked at it. “You two are my favorite couple!” he grinned. “You always show your love!”.
Later that night when Sebastian was already asleep I looked at the picture. It showed so many emotions. In both of our faces I could see joy, happiness, love and passion. We were already dating for 2.5 years and I never felt happier before. Sebastian was the man who knew me so well and who was always there for me. We complemented each other totally.
So for the first time in months I decided to post this picture and even wrote a little emotional caption for it. I never was someone who shared her personal life on Instagram so much, I preferred posting pictures of interesting places but never really posted couple selfies. But this night I did. Because I was so fucking happy.
 February
I was totally busy writing the last part of my dissertation. The deadline was at the end of March and I didn’t know how to handle it. I never thought this would confuse me so much. But after almost three years of doing research, reading and writing I was so sick of it. I wanted to surrender but Sebastian was the one who told me not to. He believed in me and if I’m honest, if he wouldn’t have told me to keep writing, I probably would have given up already.
On this cold Monday afternoon Sebastian was busy with his band. They had a business meeting. Yes, even an indie band has to do some business meetings.
“Hey my love” a voice suddenly said. I didn’t hear him coming home so I was surprised. Vilma looked up and welcomed him. After touching her head he gave me a kiss and took off his jacket. “Are you hungry? I bought us some Thai curry” he said and took my hand to follow him into the kitchen. He knew how to handle a confusing me. “Is everything going well?” he asked when we had dinner. “Yes, it’s fine” I said. I think this was the most common answer I gave. “Eileen, honestly….” He said while looking into my eyes. He knew me. He saw that I was too tired of writing today. “Take a break” he told me. “You should rest yourself, maybe we watch a film and then go to bed and then you’re fresh and free to keep writing tomorrow” Although I didn’t like the idea of stop writing for today I did it. Afterwards we watched an Indie movie. I barely followed the plot because I was so lost in thoughts. Sebastian noticed it. He stopped the movie and turned on the lights. “Okay Eileen, what’s wrong? I see that something isn’t right” he said. “Well, nothing. I’m just tired” “You need a break. A rest. Seriously, this isn’t healthy anymore! You should take break for a few days” “No….I can’t!” I suddenly screamed. “I have a deadline and only six weeks left” “Eileen” Sebastian said and took my hand. “You’ll do a break. We’ll do a break together. Honestly, I wanted to surprise you but….now that you’re in this bad mood I want to cheer you up a little bit. Let’s go to New York on Valentines Day. I booked flights and a hotel”
What did he just say? “Seriously?” was all I could say. “Yes….I wanted to surprise you on the weekend because it was our 2.5 year’s anniversary but….now I just said it. Well….whatever. So, wanna go to New York?” “Sure but….what about the dissertation?” “You’ll keep writing when we’re back home. We go to New York for four days. Four very important days to rest yourself, okay?” “Hm….” ”Come on Eileen, you need this break. We both know it” “Hm, maybe you’re right. Although I never liked Valentines Day” “Neither do I” Sebastian laughed. “That’s why I bought us some tickets for an anti Valentines Day Broadway show”. I just loved him.
So one week later we took a flight to New York City. After landing and driving to our airbnb in Brooklyn we took a walk through the streets but the jet lag didn’t let us enjoy this first day. So we came back to the apartment very early and just fell asleep.   The next day was already Valentines Day. Since neither Sebastian nor I really liked this day ��� ironic that we flew to NYC for Valentines Day, hm? – we just kept visiting the city. We went to the MoMa and later had the best cheesecake in Manhattan. Then we did a walk through the Central Park. While Sebastian was taking a photo of me eating a cronut I suddenly bumped into a couple. I turned around and wanted to apologize when I realized who I just bumped into.
It was Josh. And he wasn’t on his own. He was with a woman.
“Eileen” he said surprised when he saw me. “Um, hi” I said. When Sebastian noticed that I was talking with this couple he came closer. “How are you?” Josh wanted to know. I guess now Sebastian realized who it was. They shook hands. “What are you doing in New  York?” Josh wanted to know. “We’re on a vacation” “Oh really? I thought you finally moved back to the States” “No….not really” I said looking to the floor. “Well, I like New York in the winter” Josh said. I knew. He preferred winter everywhere. “What are you doing here?” I asked and for the first time I looked at the woman next to him. I knew that it must’ve been his girlfriend, Molly told me about. “Um, I’m actually here to play with the Chilis later that night. We’ll play three shows here at Madison Square Garden” Josh told me. I nodded and smiled while I was switching looking at his girlfriend and him. “Oh right, you released a new record last year. So how’s the tour?” I asked him. “It’s great. We shortened it a little bit because….you know, we’re older now” he joked. “Great, then I hope you have fun! Greet Flea, Chad and Anthony, okay?” “Sure” Josh said. I wanted to turn around but then Josh kept talking. “Um, do you two want to come to the show?” he suddenly asked. I was surprised he asked Sebastian and me and I didn’t expect him to do it. “Well” I said and looked at Sebastian hoping he would give me a sign. He nodded. “Sure, why not?” he said and I agreed. “Great, I’ll put you on the guest list. You know, the VIP area” Josh said laughing. “Then see you later!” I watched him and his girlfriend walking away. “Hey um, we don’t have to attend the concert” I told Sebastian when we were walking back to our airbnb. “Why not?” “Because….I don’t know….maybe it’s strange for you?” “Well” he sighed. “I don’t have any problem with your ex and when he even invites us to their concerts then why not? I like his band and I never really see them live so….it’s for free” he grinned.
I didn’t know why but I felt totally confused. I was afraid to attend this concert because I knew that it would mean that I would see Josh and his girlfriend and maybe even her daughter together. They would talk, maybe holding hands or kiss, they would just be there. I didn’t know if it was a problem for me to finally see him together with his girlfriend but….I was afraid.
The Madison Square Garden was already very crowded when we arrived. We were both very tired because of the sightseeing the whole day. So we skipped the supporting act and just came to see the Chili Peppers play. The last time I saw them here in New York was many years ago and I still couldn’t believe what happened since then.
Sebastian and I got us something to drink in the backstage room until we finally went to the side of the stage. When the band finally entered it I saw the brunette woman again. It was his girlfriend. I think she was called Helen. I remembered Molly telling me her name once. Plus I heard someone calling her like that before. Suddenly I saw a maybe ten year old girl. It must’ve been the daughter Molly told me about. She had ginger hair while her mother had brown curls. They were both laughing and looking at the stage.
I almost couldn’t enjoy the show because I was busy watching Josh’s girlfriend and her daughter. He didn’t introduce me to them because he didn’t have time I guess. We didn’t meet Josh before the show so I didn’t know how it would be if we would finally meet him and his girlfriend afterwards. Maybe we should leave directly after the show.
Right now I wasn’t really watching the stage, instead I was watching the side of stage. His girlfriend and her daughter had a great time. They were dancing and laughing and sometimes the girl was waving at Josh and he even waved back. The most shocking scene I watched tonight was definitely the moment he left the stage. After they played “Give It Away” he left the stage tight after Anthony and directly after giving his guitar to Ian he hugged his girlfriend and her daughter. He even gave his girlfriend a kiss. I kept watching them for minutes. They looked so cute and to me it looked a lot like love. There was one moment when he turned his head and our eyes met but that’s it. It felt like time was standing still for a moment although it wasn’t. It just stopped for a few seconds until the little girl started talking to Josh and they all went away into the backstage room.
“Great concert, right?” I heard Sebastian asking me. I looked at him a bit shocked because I didn’t know if he noticed how I looked at Josh. I just hoped he didn’t. “Yeah, great” I agreed. “Should we buy something to drink?” I changed the topic. “Sure, shall we go to the backstage room?” he asked me. I couldn’t say “no” because it wouldn’t make any sense. The drinks were for free so why should I buy me a drink somewhere else then? Sebastian took my hand and we went to the backstage room. I was afraid. I didn’t want to see Josh and his perfect family together. 
“Hey Eileen, thanks for coming” Josh smiled at me after entering the backstage room. Although many other people were calling for him, he went directly to Sebastian and me to greet us. I felt nervous. Suddenly his girlfriend and her daughter joined us. She smiled at us and for the first time today I couldn’t hate her. She looked so nice. “Did you enjoy the show?” Josh wanted to know. I nodded while Sebastian said “Yes of course! Great show. I’ve never been here before sp thank you Josh!”. He really liked the concert and I think it wasn’t any problem for him that my ex was playing in this band. “Great” Josh smiled back. “By the way, this is Helen, my girlfriend” he finally introduced me to this pale looking brunette next to him. We shook hands. She smiled again. She looked so likeable. “Oh and this is Emma” Josh laughed when the ginger hair girl ran to us. But Emma didn’t really notice me and Sebastian. Instead she wanted to ask Josh something. While he was talking with her I kept watching them. He was so great with kids. Although he never really thought of kids before I got pregnant, he was just one of the cutest and best guys who got along very well with children. “And how long do you stay in New  York?” I heard Helen asking. While Sebastian answered her I realized that I shouldn’t watch Josh so much. It was obvious, wasn’t it? While Sebastian was still talking to Helen, I still caught myself watching Josh and how he was doing with Emma. She was so lovely and smart and Josh seemed so happy to spend time with her. He even looked a bit like her dad although I knew that he wasn’t. He was just her step dad – if ever.
When Sebastian was lost in a talk with Sammy Banuelos I decided to go outside to take fresh air. “Finally it’s not so crowded anymore” someone said. It was Josh. “Yeah, definitely” I agreed. He lit a cigarette. “Are you smoking again?” “Yes…..sometimes.” he said and offered me one. Although I wasn’t a smoker I took a cigarette and he lit it. “Thanks” I said. “Did you enjoy the concert?” “Yes….it was a great concert. Just like” I paused. “Just like always” “There were a few moments when I played some wrong tunes but….it was a great atmosphere at the concert” Josh was still criticising himself. “I like the new songs” “Thank you Eileen….yeah, me too. This time the production was way better. I produced a few songs myself” “Really?” I was surprised because Josh always said that the band wouldn’t want him to. “Yes. I finally could convince them and they were happy with the result” “Great….but you didn’t produce the whole album?” “No….this time we hired different producers. Some songs were produced by Danger Mouse again, but not all. I produced four songs and then an unknown German producer did two songs as well” “Oh really? And let me guess….you did choose him?” “Yes” Josh grinned. “I’ve heard of him and met him at a concert of Portugal.The Man in Portland” “What a story” I laughed. “I know” “But…just like I said. Great songs” “Thanks…..” Silence. “Well, I actually thought about quitting” Josh suddenly said.  “No you didn’t!” I was surprised. “Why?” “Because I was just sick of touring, playing, travelling. I wanted to stay at home. I wanted my life back, you know?” “And who convinced you to stay?” “Helen did” Josh told me. “She said that it was my dream to be a musician and to play with musicians like the Chilis. Now I was doing exactly what I dreamed of and I shouldn’t throw it away. I slept a few nights thinking about it and then I realized she was right. I only needed a break so I took a break from making music. I told the guys that I needed some more time to do something else before going to the studio and they were totally okay with it” “Wow, I can’t imagine that you would leave the band some day” “Neither do I” Josh laughed. “Helen is making you very happy, am I right?” I asked. He looked at me, a shy smile on his face. “She does” he finally answered. “Great….honestly, it makes me very happy to see you like that. She’s a great woman” “And it’s so humble to hear these words coming from you” “Well….” ”And Sebastian is making you happy, right?” “Yes” I answered with a giant smile on my face. “How long are you two dating?” “More than 2.5 years now” “Wow….” Josh said. “Helen and I are only dating for 1.5 years” “And how does it feel to be a step father?” “Well” Josh grinned. “I get used to it. I’m not really Emma’s step dad. I mean, I love her, she’s great. She’s very smart and I even showed her how to play the drums but….I don’t feel like her father or so. More like a friend.” “Yeah, I suppose it’s weird sometimes” “It is! But Helen and Emma are great. I’m happy I’ve met them” Josh smiled all over his face when he said these words. I smiled with him because seeing him so happy made me happy as well. Although I could cry at the same time.
I thought about our relationship and what we went through. We were strong but it wasn’t enough in the end. Now we both met partner who matched us completely and with whom we wanted to share our lives with.
Suddenly a girl came to us and when she saw Josh she started grinning and smiling and hugged him. “Are you coming inside? Mommy and I are tired. We want to go home” Emma asked Josh. He smiled, then looked at me and answered “Sure, I will come. We’ll go home now”. I watched him going inside. For a moment I felt like glued to the spot. I watched Josh how he was taking Emma’s hand and opened the door. Before going inside he stopped and turned around. “Do you want to stay here in the cold or are you coming with us?” “Sure” I said. “Um, yeah sure I’ll come with you” I said lost in thoughts before following them inside. 
While Josh and Emma went back to Helen I went back so Sebastian who was still talking to Sammy. “Hey, wanna drink something?” Sebastian asked me and I agreed. While walking to the bar I hoped that my feelings and thoughts about Josh would go away. I couldn’t stop thinking about his little family and how he treated them. He was just the best step dad I’ve ever seen. Maybe I just had to get away from it to have a fresh mind again so I asked Sebastian to leave the venue. I told him that I was tired so he accompanied me. He always did it. No matter where we were, when I was feeling sick or tired or whatever feeling I had – just a reason to leave – he took my hand and we left. I think I never met a guy like him before and I should keep reminding myself how happy he made me. 
Later that night in bed I thought about this encounter today. I knew that Josh had still this girlfriend with the daughter and it was okay for me. Even I was taken for such a long time now. But seeing them together for the first time hurt me so much. It wasn’t only the fact that he was dating someone else, it was also the fact that he was now living together with a woman and her daughter. It seemed so serious to me. Maybe I was wrong but they looked like a real family. I almost started crying when I thought about Josh having a family while I didn’t. It wasn’t a competition but I think it still hurts a lot more when your ex find suddenly someone and starts a family. Sure, Emma wasn’t his own daughter but who knows, maybe Helen gets pregnant in the next months. I mean, why not? He’s 40, he has enough money, he is living in a great house with a nice neigborhood, his girlfriend is in the best age to get pregnant, they’re already dating for a longer time….so why not?
Thinking about the fact that Josh could become a real father in the next year shocked me. I almost panicked. No….stop! Eileen, stop! Stop thinking this bullshit! I looked at Sebastian who was sleeping like a baby next to me. I put my arm around his waist and laid my head against is shoulder. I was happy. I definitely was…..wasn’t I?
  March
“Lara, I’m so sorry. I can’t….I don’t know what to say” I said when I saw my friend sitting at the table in the kitchen crying. Felix called me in the middle of the night because Lara got the news that her mother died. She was ill but it was totally shocking for all of us. Lara visited her mother a few weeks ago and she even told me that her mother was doing better and everyone was looking forward for a brighter future. But now she died last night. “It’s okay” Lara sobbed. She couldn’t stop crying. Felix not only called me because I should be informed about it but also because he didn’t know what to do and how to handle this situation. Lara didn’t want to talk, she didn’t want to eat or drink. She was totally down on her knees. I wiped off the tears in her face and hugged her. We stayed like that for minutes. No one said a word. Felix sat down next to us, he was holding Lara’s hand. “Sweetheart, you will get better, okay? You’re mother fought and she lost the fight but she did great. She had a great life with three wonderful kids who archived so much in life. She could even be a grandmother for your brothers children….she saw your sister marrying and she met Felix and definitely knew that he makes you happy and always cares for you” I told her and now I had tears in my eyes too. “I know” Lara said. “But she’s away. She died. She’s just not here anymore. And I wasn’t there because I’m living in fucking Berlin” she screamed. Felix took both of her hands and pulled her closer. So I let her go. Lara laid her head against Felix chest and was still crying. He tried to calm her but she couldn’t stop crying.
I went to Sebastian who accompanied me. We both didn’t know what to say or what to do. I never experienced something like that. I guess it was the first time that one of my friends lost a parent. I only knew this feeling of being lost and sad from when my grandma died. But she was way older and definitely had a fulfilling life. I remembered that Josh came to the funeral in Cologne and I was so surprised because I didn’t expect him to come. I laid my head on Sebastian’s shoulder. I was so happy that he was here. Since Felix and he were very good friends just like Lara and me the four of us often spent time together.
After sitting in the kitchen for hours, talking and trying to soothe Lara she fell asleep on Felix’ shoulder. He carried her to their bedroom and finally we left. Felix thanked us that we came to their apartment immediately after he called me. I could see that he was totally overwhelmed by the situation. He didn’t know what to say or do so I guess it was the right decision to call a close friend of Lara.
“Wow, I can’t believe that her mother died. She was only 57. It’s not old, right?” I said when Sebastian and I were sitting in the subway on our way home. “No it’s not” he agreed with me. “I can’t imagine how it must feel when one of your parents dies. I don’t want to know the feeling….” I said lost in thoughts. “Neither do I” Sebastian said and took my hand before leaving the subway to get home.
I thought about it the whole night. When one of my parents would get serious ill or even die I wouldn’t be there. At least not now. I was far away on the other side of the world. I didn’t even share the same time zone. What would I do if I would get the phone call that would change my life forever? Would I take the next flight to LA? Sure. But would I be in the constitution to do it? I looked at Sebastian and it soothed me to know that he was there. He would organize it I guess.
But there was another question that came to my mind: Did I really want to live far, far away from home – an 11 hours flight to be honest – forever? I mean, my time here in Berlin would be over in a month when I would hopefully file my dissertation. I was excited but also afraid what would come next. My former boss with whom I came to Berlin to work here – and who was already back in LA – told me I could get my former job in LA but not before the beginning of the next year. That would mean that I would be unemployed for almost a year. If I wouldn’t find something new in the next months.
The most important question was: did I want to stay in Berlin or not? I thought about it a lot in the last weeks. My problem was that I was totally happy in my relationship but I had the feeling that I had to go back home some day. Something deep inside of me told me that I should go back to the States. Even an internal flight wouldn’t be such a big problem than taking a transatlantic flight from Germany to LA. So I had many thoughts on my mind but I didn’t talk to Sebastian about it. He seemed so happy at the moment while I was a total wreck because of my dissertation. I noticed we drifted apart in the last weeks. I hoped that it was only because of my stressful days at the moment. But what if it wouldn’t go away when I would finish my dissertation? I was afraid that it wouldn’t go away.
Maybe Sebastian thought the same? Anyhow he visited his parents, brother and a few friends who weren’t living in Berlin in the last weeks. I knew that he did it because he had some weeks off from the band job but….maybe he did it to get away from me? To get a free mind? Maybe I would do the same….
All I knew was that we had to talk soon. I had to make a decision and I couldn’t postpone it to another date anymore. I only had three weeks left to finish my dissertation and during this time I had to make a decision.
  Two weeks later….
“YES, I did it!” I rejoiced at the last sentence I read. I already wrote my whole dissertation and proof-read it several times – plus many people proof-read it.
I was so happy that I opened a bottle of wine and clinked glasses with myself to celebrate it. Since Sebastian was on a short concert trip I was alone at home.
Wow, finally I finished this monster of book. When I started doing research I didn’t think that it would be so annoying in the end. But now that I finished it I was FREE again! I opened my netbook and started watching Netflix. Finally….
Another week later….
After finishing my dissertation I finally had a free mind to think about my next step. The last days were rough because I thought about my future, thought to finally find a good solution just to abandon this whole idea in the next moment.
My former boss offered me a job at his faculty in January next year. It was nine months to go. I knew that I couldn’t live without any job or task in the next months. I couldn’t even afford my life here in Berlin without doing anything. Sure I had some savings but I didn’t want to use them to have a high life in Berlin while waiting for my new job in LA. Plus, I still didn’t know if I should take the job or not. If I would take it, it would mean that I would leave Berlin for a longer time. Not only a few years, but for a much longer time. It would also mean that Sebastian and I should have a talk about it in the next days. My new job decision would also decide about our future together. Would we still be able to manage a relationship with such a distance like that?
When Sebastian came home that night we cooked and afterwards I told him that we should talk now. We already procrastinated so much in the last weeks. We had to do it now. “So” he said. “What’s your favorite opportunity you could choose?” he asked me. “Hm….if I’m honest….I don’t know. I liked my job in LA but I also like my job here. But sadly I can’t work at this university anymore because they can’t extend my contract. I have to search for a new job then. The question is, where? Berlin or somewhere else….” ”You don’t want to stay in Berlin, don’t you?” Sebastian suddenly asked me. I was shocked when I heard this question. Why did he think this way? “I don’t know….I love Berlin” “But?” he definitely knew. “I’m just….I don’t know….Berlin isn’t my home town. LA is and I miss my family, I miss my friends. Although I had a great time here in Berlin, I do want to go back some day” “Some day or now?” “Sebastian…..I don’t know. I’m just very confused” “I noticed it….” He said. “But Eileen, how do you think will our relationship be like if you move back to LA?” “I don’t know” I shook my head and almost started crying. Thinking about leaving Sebastian made me so sad. “You want to go back, am I right?” he suddenly asked and pulled me closer. He wasn’t angry or so. He was just very understanding. It overwhelmed me. “Should I be honest?” I asked and he nodded. “I want to. I do want to go back some day. I just don’t know if now or next year” “So you will take this new job in LA for sure next year?” “Maybe….I guess I will….” I sighed. “Hm….then we have to find a solution” he said and we both didn’t say anything in the following minutes. While I was just lost in thoughts Sebastian seemed to make a plan in his mind. “I could live with you in LA for a few months but then I have to go back to Berlin” he let me now. “I would do it” “Really? But what about the band?” “That’s the problem” he sighed. “I only know that we have a break right now that will at least last until summer, then we’ll play a few summer shows and then we will go back into the studio. Then we will have another break until April next year. But afterwards the next tour starts and I don’t know what will happen afterwards….” He told me the possibilities. “Hm….it just sucks. Everything sucks” I moaned and laid my head on his shoulder. “Why do you want to leave Berlin?” he suddenly wanted to know. “Well….I guess I have to. I can’t live that far away from my family anymore. Not forever” “But you did it the last two years” “I know….and I’m glad nothing happened” “What do you mean?” “When Lara’s mother died it showed me how fast life can be over and how shocking it can be for the family….but what if I’m not there when something happens? I would hate myself forever if I wouldn’t be there when one of my parents gets ill. When I can’t help them and don’t take care of them….I just would hate myself. I love them, you know?” I looked at Sebastian while telling him. “I know” he sighed. “And I can understand your feelings and fears. Maybe I would do the same” Silence. I couldn’t believe that Sebastian even understood my feelings and fears. Was he really a human being? I’ve never met someone who was so understanding like him? I started crying. “What happened?” he wondered. “I’m just….It just makes me so sad to know that we have to break up someday because we can’t figure out both of our lives together” I couldn’t resist crying. “But Eileen, we’ll find a solution! I’m sure!” he said in a positive mood. “I don’t think so” I sopped. “Why did we have to fall in love? I mean, you’re from Germany, I’m from the US….it’s not easy. Not when one of us is ready to immigrate. But….I can’t do this” “So….you really can’t imagine living here in Berlin with me forever?” I shook my head. “What about you?” “I can’t either. I’d love to live with you in LA for a couple of months a year but not forever. I can’t leave my band” “See” I sopped. “Maybe we’re in love. We even love each other. But none of us is ready to leave a life behind to live with this special person. Why?” 
Two days later we broke up. It was the only solution we had. I knew that Sebastian wanted to fight for it. He wanted to fight for us. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t see any chance that we would have a future together. There were just too many obstacles put in our way. It was something without a future. Our relationship had a termination date and if I was honest with myself I already knew it on our first date. I knew that we would break up some day because I couldn’t live forever in Germany. I just couldn’t. And I knew that he wouldn’t leave his band and his friends behind to move to LA with me.
I told him in the afternoon. The weather was great. It was almost spring in Berlin. But our hearts didn’t want to see the sun, flowers or a blue sky. It just felt like dark night.
If we wouldn’t do it now, we would do it in nine months. While Sebastian wanted to wait and maybe find a solution for the future I didn’t want to. When I told him about it he asked me one question. “Is it because of Josh?” I shocked when he asked this question. Why Josh? What did he have to do with my decision? “Why?” “Because since we were in New  York City, you changed. You barely talk to me, you were always lost in thoughts” “I was busy with my dissertation” “Yes I know….but I mean, when you weren’t busy. Even when you were laying in your bed. Eileen, please be honest with me” “Hm” I sighed. “Maybe. I don’t know. I’m just a bit confused right now and since then....I don’t know. I really loved him and seeing him with his new girlfriend hurt me....in a way. I can’t explain it” ”Do you still love him?” “No….I was just hurt seeing him so happy” ”But why?” ”If I would know it, I would tell you!” I told him. ”Eileen” Sebastian sighed. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe there isn’t a future for us together....maybe you still love Josh. Maybe you always did” he said and almost brought me to tears with these words. I felt so bad. Did I really end our relationship because of Josh? No....but….maybe? But Josh was taken and he was happy with Helen and her daughter. “I don’t feel anything, you know. Nothing. I just feel emptiness deep down inside of me.” I tried to explain him. “So….do we take a break or what?”  “I don’t know” I sighed. “Maybe we should do it. We should take a break and then see what will be in a few months” I told him. He agreed. Then I left our apartment.
  April
“Wow I can’t believe you really do it” Felix said while hugging me goodbye. “Well, I do” I grinned. “My little Eileen is experiencing the world” Lara said with a smile on her face. Since her mother died she barely smiled but today she did. They drove me to the airport. Yes, the airport. I wouldn’t go home or so. No. Instead I was going to travel. Since my break up from Sebastian – or our terminated break – I read a lot of books and watched a lot of movies about travelling and experiencing the world. I found some blogs where people and especially women were writing about their experiences while exploring the world. Most of them were doing it alone. Totally on their own. So it took me some weeks to finally decide what I had to do now. Since I finished my dissertation and I didn’t have a job right now I decided to use my savings for something special: a journey around the world. Yes, I wanted to travel. I wanted to see the world.
Surely I already visited a lot of countries while being on tour with Josh but it wasn’t the same. We only stayed there for a few days or someday only for 24 hours. You can’t really experiencing a city in such a short time. So I decided to leave Berlin and to travel the world.
First I would fly to Thailand to do a three week backpacker trip through the country. Then I would fly to Australia to experience down under. My brother would join me some day because he lived there and therefore could show me some inside spots. Afterwards we would fly to South America. My brother definitely wanted to visit Argentina and Peru. Then he had to head home to LA. I didn’t know yet where I would travel afterwards. Maybe Brasil, Venezuela and Colombia? Maybe Caribbean islands?
“Goodbye my little Eileen, my best friend” Lara said with tears in her eyes while she was hugging me goodbye. “And please take care of yourself, okay?” “I will” I smiled and tried to hide the tears in my eyes. “She’ll definitely take care of herself. She’s a strong girl!” Felix grinned and hugged me again. Then I turned around with my giant backpack to check in.
 Adventures, here I come!
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