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#I want to make an edit with this post but this will do for now

honestly the first reason i stopped writing was back in high school, when because i couldn’t just whip out an idea on the spot, one of my teachers said i would never be a writer.

n that stuck w me, and after that i slowly stopped writing altogether (And granted, i was bad at it back in the day!) except for school-related work. I threw myself into a state where writing was only what i did to survive and get by, where it was just assignments and bullshit and then i wouldn’t do it anymore once the task was over. 

i learned to treat it as something exhausting and annoying and something to get over with quickly. and then i went to college, and for a little while the fact that the professors seemed to give a shit helped here n there, but by then i had tied writing to the concept of schoolwork and from there to my self worth, and so all that really meant was that i was able to write when someone (like a professor) told me to do so and gave me specific parameters to fill. 

unfortunately all of that faded too as my undiagnosed adhd worsened, and stress became as much a block as it had once been an aid (if i was terrified i wouldn’t pass, i would write more than if i just took every day one at a time). 

so then when scaring myself stopped being effective, when i could no longer rely on the professors’ interest or support, i let things go to last minute and build up the toll they took on me. there was one day, no more like two, where i did not move– not even to eat or drink– i just sat and forced myself to turn out two essays in about 24 hours so that i’d get thru the class. 

and then i graduated, somehow. and it was all over, and then i just could not write. i tried a lot of stuff, n kept hitting that block in my head, and for a while all i could do was stay up really late until i was too tired to resist writing n then get a bit done – but then the block managed to manifest there too. 

so then i was like, what if i just made very small writing fragments, like idk, homestuck style writing– and that’s been working, up until recently, because it’s flown under the radar of what my brain considers ‘writing.’ 

but honestly, even that’s starting to wear me down and i’m scared and sad because theres just nothing i can do to stop whatever’s fucking w me from taking everything i want to do away from me– and making me think i want it to do that. 

i think the worst part of all of this though, is that my high school teacher was right. i really am never going to be a writer.

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one more-

#edit: i think what happened w/ the random ''i wanted it'' @ the beginning here was bc i accidentally used quotes instead of apostrophes, #i wanted it, #flick ticks, #when will i cease with the personal/vent posts? never ❤️ /j idk. i wanna stop but they're . vent posts for a reason sbfnsbfnsms, #also it's my blog i can do what i want ❤️, #anyways- impulse control. i realize now that Everything i Ever Did was based on impulse lmao.....i need to learn how to better control, #that shit. and yeah i will!! but it's? gonna be hard bc i don't exactly? have anyone to i guess test myself w/ lmao......, #all of the shit i did was based off the negative impulsive feelings i was feeling- i feel lonely? isolate so someone will notice that you'r, #gone (doesn't work. surprise); i'm sad because i feel unloved?* isolate! maybe throw a fit or get mad about it!, #*my feelings of being unloved were . common in my childhood lol. ✌️✌️ that's on growing up touch starved & emotionally stunted ✌️✌️, #✌️ my parents didn't hug me enough as a child and now i'm a monster ✌️ LMAO. like- real tho bc like??? i also!! fun fact- i also have a har, #time sometimes like. understanding why people are upset or the general fact that they're upset (my mind: why are they upset?, #(i'm not upset/i wouldn't be upset by [that] so what's their problem?) like......god..... and yeah i realize that i was . very insensitive, #towards a lot of things (thanks uhhh Literally Everyone i grew up w/ not being even remotely sensitive towards me and thus making me value, #(my own feelings over anyone else's because if no one cared about how i felt at least i did. also if they only cared about themselves, #(why can't/shouldn't i prioritize my own feelings over anyone else's?) and in that process i? did in fact end up being very selfish and lik, #taking things for myself (most often without permission) simply because and!!! i apparently didn't grow out of that at all!!!!, #bc taking things for myself and pouting when i didn't get my way was one of the ways i abused him!!! my excuse for everything i did is that, #i'm barely an adult but like..... i'm still an adult; i really should know better. i should've learned better by the time i was at least 16, #[also just to make things clear: i'm not out for pity/sympathy points if y'all are concerned abt that- i'm literally just. talkin to myself, #[like. i just want this shit out of my brain y'know? anyways], #but now i do know better i think; very much too late but like..... i do kinda still think all of this was meant to happen...., #as hellish as those three fucking years were *especially* for him i.....still think it was all meant to happen. all the vile shit i did, #absolutely sucked but like.....yeah.... i think i myself needed to go through that. i needed to learn more about myself i guess. it just, #really wasn't fair to him. for him to have been my learning experience- for *anyone* to be my learning experience. its bullshit and it's no, #fair. i just? wish i was better to begin with lmao.... i wish i had the knowledge then that i do now i guess because like. i would Love to, #go back in time and redo EVERYTHING. i would treat him so fucking much better if i knew the shit i know now, #but what's done is done and i need to accept it and move on, #it. hurts, #but it's done. it's in the past
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I haven’t posted anything since like, 2018? I think. They are still up on ao3 but I’m not sure I feel very comfortable properly sharing my account there and associating it with this blog

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#i got 4 important emails today :(, #i need to address these by monday or im in trouble haha, #but for today! im going to ignore them, #i feel so anxious about college next wekk :/ cant even answer my emails without feeling bad idk whats going to happen when i get actual work, #but whatever you know! today! im not thinking about it!, #haha :), #snow blogging, #edit: just going to add onto this instead of making a new post bc its embarrassing, #and this way nobody will read it >:3c, #anyway i still haven't dealt with it and now its 4 pm on sunday and i have classes tomorrow and i dont even know what classes those are, #and i just kinda want to have a whole breakdown but i cant, #because i havent even TRIED to deal with anything because its just too much but its so EMBARRASSING to admit it, #i hate it here! i hate living in my head, #i hate living in my room actually i put my backpack down the last day of school and it hasnt moved since i havent emptied it, #im just!! whats wrong with me haha, #once again im forced to contemplate if i have adhd or if im just dumb and thats not a question i can answer, #but like... i cant actually do anything about it either way? theres no way to do anything without admitting how bad things can get, #and id literally rather do anything other then admit to the disaster that is my life beneath the surface, #anyway!!!!, #its whatever ill get over it ive got the old sunday evening melancholy, #dont read this! its embarrassing! normally id put it on my journal blog but i didnt realize how much i had to say before i typed it all up, #and im too lazy to retype everything heh, #EDIT... TWO!!, #its fine actually lol, #literally nothing is wrong iwas just freaking out for no reason haha
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