honestly the first reason i stopped writing was back in high school, when because i couldn’t just whip out an idea on the spot, one of my teachers said i would never be a writer.
n that stuck w me, and after that i slowly stopped writing altogether (And granted, i was bad at it back in the day!) except for school-related work. I threw myself into a state where writing was only what i did to survive and get by, where it was just assignments and bullshit and then i wouldn’t do it anymore once the task was over.
i learned to treat it as something exhausting and annoying and something to get over with quickly. and then i went to college, and for a little while the fact that the professors seemed to give a shit helped here n there, but by then i had tied writing to the concept of schoolwork and from there to my self worth, and so all that really meant was that i was able to write when someone (like a professor) told me to do so and gave me specific parameters to fill.
unfortunately all of that faded too as my undiagnosed adhd worsened, and stress became as much a block as it had once been an aid (if i was terrified i wouldn’t pass, i would write more than if i just took every day one at a time).
so then when scaring myself stopped being effective, when i could no longer rely on the professors’ interest or support, i let things go to last minute and build up the toll they took on me. there was one day, no more like two, where i did not move– not even to eat or drink– i just sat and forced myself to turn out two essays in about 24 hours so that i’d get thru the class.
and then i graduated, somehow. and it was all over, and then i just could not write. i tried a lot of stuff, n kept hitting that block in my head, and for a while all i could do was stay up really late until i was too tired to resist writing n then get a bit done – but then the block managed to manifest there too.
so then i was like, what if i just made very small writing fragments, like idk, homestuck style writing– and that’s been working, up until recently, because it’s flown under the radar of what my brain considers ‘writing.’
but honestly, even that’s starting to wear me down and i’m scared and sad because theres just nothing i can do to stop whatever’s fucking w me from taking everything i want to do away from me– and making me think i want it to do that.
i think the worst part of all of this though, is that my high school teacher was right. i really am never going to be a writer.