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preciousmomentsfigurine · 2 years

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im back on here at least for right now, i keep cluttering my other socials with my diatribes and anxieties and i just need to get my thoughts out without being performative about it... i dont even know if anyones left on here who i was in communication with but anywho... im finishing up my first semester of my masters and ive been hit with some pretty substantial depression this week, kind of a culmination of all of the stress i have endured over the past few months.

my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in september. it was easily the worst news of my entire life, my mom and i are exceptionally close, im an only child and my relationship(s) with my parents is at the center of my universe. all that aside it’s just bad news obviously, but i guess i can say i “get” cancer now. they caught it early and it ultimately proved to be pretty treatable, she got surgery and did five days of radiation (which she completed last week) and now she’s more or less in the clear though she won’t be “cancer free” until five years pass without it reemerging.

that being said... this all happened in the first few weeks of grad school and im already holding on for dear life trying to adjust to the immense amount of responsibility i now have. im a teaching assistant, which is my source of income as well as the condition my full scholarship for school is contingent on, i was quickly nominated to serve on a graduate committee for my department (which is basically like a student council), i received another nomination for a scholarship thru an affiliated national scholarly collective, and i am being pushed incredibly hard by faculty towards a phd which entails a whole other laundry list of engagements to bolster my cv (e.g. speaking at conferences, submitting work to journals, moderating seminars/panels, etc.), working on my graduate teaching certificate, and then of course the mountain of course work...

so, suffice to say, i had zero time to even fully process the trauma and grief associated with my mom getting cancer, and there being a period of time where i literally had no idea if she would live or die and having to grapple with mortality, consciously or not. self care has been... an afterthought... i hardly have time to sleep, eat, and shower, let alone to cry or even honor an emotion for long enough to pacify myself. i’ve taken to detachment, or rather dissociation, to survive. that’s not entirely new, but i’ve never been this “good” at it, and it’s quite frightening. like i said, all this is catching up to me now, when it’s most important i’m on the ball as i tie up the loose ends of my semester.

basically, the lesson i can’t for the life of me figure out how to learn - one i’ve been attempting to work on basically my entire life - is finding a middle ground between absolutely fucking drowning in the extremes of my emotions, and completely cutting them off and losing myself down the line. i seriously never cry anymore. that’s something i never ever expected from myself. i’ve cried maybe three times in the past six months. maybe even this whole year? i’m so scared of my feelings, they’re nearly killed me countless times in the past, so i just decided i’d no longer have any. we all know that doesn’t really work for very long. my bipolar has taken me for a fucking joyride the past three months alone, and the crash was imminent. now i’m just empty and disenchanted with existing.

i’ve learned a lot this year, though. i’m still a basketcase and always will be, but this is the most stable i have been since like, childhood. i worked hard as fuck this year to pick up the pieces of my life. i’m at a place i literally never thought i’d arrive at, starting my career (that word still terrifies me), taking accountability for my well-being, feeling a sense of acceptance and compassion for myself that i always lacked, surrounded by tons of friends, and somehow, successful. i’m working on not letting the validation i have received since starting the whole grad school process totally petrify me - it feels good to finally be seen and recognized for the parts of me that were always dismissed, what’s “inside” as corny as it sounds, my intellect, my thoughts and opinions, my talents, my passion and tenacity and curiosity. on the flipside, it’s utterly rocked my world to learn that i possess these things, and that they’re valuable. i’m so used to depending on superficial validation at best, and being completely demoralized and abused at worst - my whole life i’ve been convinced by others, and then myself, that i was worthless and bound to fail. to have people i deeply admire and respect tell me i am intelligent and gifted, is fucking weird and uncomfortable, as much as it is liberating.

i guess this has turned into rambling, as i was initially gonna just talk about my day and how i’m feeling right now, but i guess i had more to say than i thought. i’m depressed, but i’ve really grown up and found myself this year, and i’m proud of the things i’ve done even just today to pick myself back up. i just met with my professor for a class i’ve been anxious about. the old me would have avoided this and buried my head in the sand. the new me pushed myself to face discomfort and feels a little bit stronger and lighter having done so.

now i’m gonna write this paper. wish me luck, ttyl xx

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incoherentbabblings · 4 years

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What are your favourite comics anyway?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay. Full disclaimer. We’re going for what comics I re-read over and over again. Are these comics...good? Eh. Are they bad? No, I don’t think so. Some were meh to wow! when first released that time has either been kinder or harsher to, but I don’t think I have a series or a run or a title which is I like which is like... hot guilty garbage. Though, of course, feel free to disagree. There are some authors on here which people will not want to touch with a barge pole, and I totally understand and encourage not touching them if you don’t want to.

Having said that, here are my favourite popcorn comics (largely Titans and Batfam because I am... basic):

The Flash (2016) issues 39-45 + Annual #1

Having said that, Flash time first. People think Williamson is a real hit or miss writer and I do agree, but I think this whole arc is one big hit. It’s frantic in its energy, I love Gorilla Grodd as a villain, I love the modern Flashfam trying to help, I love how Wally coming in to help totally turns the tide and the mood. I love how everyone looks at Wally like… this guys is powerful, more powerful than any other speedster… but also noting there’s something very fragile about him. I didn’t include Flash War in this because I’m still waiting for the payoff for that angst regarding Wally, but this arc… mwah. Wallace Rudolph West being vindicated as the greatest Flash (whilst allowing Barry to be flawed and to lead his family)? Yes please. Also I love Carmine’s art. I gather it’s hit and miss for some folk but I love the line work. Also Carlos D’Anda’s issue (come baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack draw Dick and Roy again your work has gotten so much cuter this past decade) is a beauty too. Big ol’ eyes.

(Under the cut ‘cause this is LONG)

Batman Dark Victory

One of two Loeb stories for me. And yeah sure Long Halloween is objectively better but…jelly bean

Also, angry traumatised Dick smacking a dying man with a stick. What a legend.

Gates of Gotham

Cass! Damian! Dick!Bats! Tim! A mystery villain! World building for Gotham! Stuff exploding! Batfam banter! Trevor McCarthy art! This bizarre panel of Jim Gordon holding Tim’s hand like he’s checking the time?

It’s one of the last ‘pure’ Batman stories before the reboot – Bat Inc aside – so it’s how I like to read the Batfam’s relationship by the end of that universe. Everyone’s a lot more content, proud Dad Bruce, happy and settled Dick and Damian, Cassandra returning home, Tim chopping off the emo hair… it’s all good.

Grayson (particularly #5)

I know why people can’t stand it. The circumstances leading up to it are bog awful. Opinions on Tom King’s writing has only grown more spliced with time. The (sex) jokes are too on the nose and hit too close to home for many. The cheesecake art is too stilted for some. But! Issue #5 is my favourite single issue story. Ever. You never have thought boxes in this series, because everyone is lying, but you aren’t told when. You never know how genuine Dick is being at any given moment, until it is just him and the baby. I love how single-minded it allows him to be. I love how he flat out lies and manipulates to protect that little girl, whilst also caring for Helena. About how seriously he takes his job of protecting Bruce and his family (and that’s why he’s even doing the stupid spy thing in the first place). And maaaaybe it’s unrealistic that Dick could outlast Midnighter crossing the desert, but screw it. Bruce can be better than metahumans all the time. Let Dick get an issue to be so to. Saving a little girl who is probably going to grow up to be akin to Superwoman. Just because he’s given himself that responsibility. He’s going to double cross twenty groups at the same time and come out clean as a whistle. And he’ll cross a desert with a newborn to do it.

Light of my fricking life.

Infinite Crisis

I…I like that things go boom. John’s is very good for that. Also, the Nightwing and Batman moments howowheheheheheheeeeeeee. Almost wish Bruce had shot Alexander. I wonder what would have happened?

(Brief side note: Graphic Audio’s adaptation of this is great fun. I dropped a bowl of cereal at the part of Superboy Prime versus the Titans. Cassie’s scream when Pantha’s head got punched off was a bit…intense. The No Man’s Land one is very good too if you have cash to burn - the voice actors are the same in both and Nightwing’s voice actor has this lisp and I don’t know man... I love it. He’s now the voice in my head for Dick).

Titans/JLA and The Titans (1999) issues 1-25

The Titans are now known I think for not being a very proactive hero group. Books struggle with balancing team dynamics versus plot, and this one is no exception. I know people don’t want to touch Devin Grayson’s stuff with a barge pole. My justification for this is flimsy I accept that, however, the JLA/Titans comic was the very first comic I read when I was like six or seven. I was rummaging through my brother’s room as a nosy kid does and this was at the top of his pile. Thank god for the little info boxes as each Titan was captured/referenced. I fell in love with Kory, I fell in love with Dick, I fell in love with Donna (oh Donna…) and then I tumbled down a hole and pretended I hadn’t until about six years ago. So that’s nice. So yes, this one is one hundred percent nostalgia based.

But honestly, Linkara did a retrospective on this event comic and series years ago, and his reasons for loving it are the same as mine really, so go watch those if you have like five hours to kill. When Devin leaves the comic remains strong for just a moment then... absolutely plummets off a cliff. So I really wouldn’t bother with the second half of the series but hey. You do you.

Teen Titans/Outsiders: The Insiders

More Geoff John’s explosions. My first comic that got bought for me. My brother walked in to the shop and said: “I need a comic for my sister where Starfire gets a good showing” and the men went… ah yes.

Eleven-year old me was like EXPLOSIONSSSSS but also was intrigued by Kory and Dick’s bedtime convos (perhaps…I was a bit under the age bracket for this book - Kory gets a good showing huh?) but uh. Anyway. Also this is when I was thoroughly enamoured with Roy. This crossover is typical Winnick and John’s angsty angst with overly poetic narration and tropey tropes which, combined with what came before and what was to come for the Outsiders, can make both series such a slog to get through, but in isolation, I think it’s a real fun crossover which gave everyone a bit of time to shine and some real fan-ficcy moments (very self-indulgent, and I love that in a comic).

Teen Titans: Year One

I love Amy Wolfram and I love Karl Kerschel. It’s a good intro to those five characters with cute stories. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Batman is demonstrably a major prick in this, even after de-brainwashing, so it’s obviously going with the ‘Dick is only half as functioning as he is thanks to Roy, Wally, Garth and Donna’, which I can get behind 100% depending on what story they are trying to tell, but it’s just… it’s still sad to read. I just think the art is brilliant at giving each of the five very clear characteristics just from their body language, and you know immediately what each character dynamic is like with another.

Batman Hush

The other Loeb story. Again, it has what I like in a Batman story. A mystery, the family, appearances of villains, flashbacks and brooding, fighting, Jim Lee’s Nightwing being hunky… Ahem. It’s a fun read I think. Also, I really like Loeb’s Bruce? I don’t think people talk about it much. But he’s really chatty in his own head. And he’s witty and dry and funny. I like that! Also, Babs is such a backbone of this story. I adore that. She’s treated well here, I think.

Black Mirror

I flipping love this arc. I love it. I love the two contrasting but deeply disturbing in different manner art styles, I love the mystery, I love Babs role in the story, I love Tim’s little appearances and the banter with Dick, I love the weird villains and the terrifying ones, and how you think one is one of the two only to be revealed to be the other or both. I love Dick’s investigation and how he goes about it differently to Bruce. I love Dick’s relationship with Jim, I love the flipping reference to the vultures and owls seemingly following Dick (a whole reboot before Snyder got to tell that story), I love the monologue about how James thinks Dick is weird and weak for his compassion and love, when really that’s his greatest strength, I love Jim wanting so hard to believe James is trying against Babs’s cynicism, but also does try to get an unbiased opinion of someone who is proven good at reading people (Dick) and does what he needs to when his son is actively harming people, I love that ambiguous ending and the questionable science, I even love the Joker’s one (1) scene with Dick. I love this line,

I love Snyder at his best. When he’s good…mwah. Great.

…And yeah. That’s my story.

#dc #dick grayson #bruce wayne #wally west #koriand'r #roy harper #batfam #the titans #the fab five #I love talking about things I like I'm sorry this is so long!#ask and I'll babble #Anonymous

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