#I will do this every day before I have to eat a rotisserie chicken

[ivy-and-ivory]

I absolutely adore your Batman and Jason Todd fics!!! I was wondering if you had any fic recs? ♥️

Thank you Anon!! I’m so glad you enjoy my writing :D

There’s so much incredible Jason & Bruce fic out there and I’m more than happy to share some recs! I’m unfortunately not the best about remembering to keep track of fics I enjoy, so this is by no means a definitive/comprehensive list of my favorites, but I scrolled through my bookmarks and found a few fics that will hopefully satisfy your Jason & Bruce cravings :)

Stargazer by LemonadeGarden @lemonadegarden (47,656 words, Multi-chap, Complete)

Author’s Summary:

“Jason Todd is seriously injured during patrol one night, and is forced to stay at the manor to recuperate until his injuries are healed. To pass the time, he makes a list of things he never got to do before he died. Except there's one small problem: most of them involve Bruce, and Jason doesn't really think Bruce cares all that much about him anymore. This is a story about how wrong he is, but I made it sad anyway.”

Truly what can I even say about this fic. This is the story that made me fall in love with Jason Todd, and Bruce & Jason reconciliation fics, and Bruce & Jason destination/road trip fics, and basically everything I care most about in this fandom. I’d been a Superbat fan for a while before I started getting into the Batfam side of things, and around the time I read this I was only just starting to read stories about the Robins. This was the gateway fic. This was the one that caught me and made it stick. Formative, definitive, one of my all time faves.

this kind of weather by r_astra @heyy-its-skip (46,456 words, Multi-chap, WIP)

Author’s Summary:

“Jason’s at school when his mom dies, and that’s the only reason any of it happens. If he’d been home, if he’d been with her, he would’ve been in the wind before anyone else even knew. Even if they looked, no one ever would’ve found him. He’d have taken to the sewers if that’s what it took, man-eating crocodile guy and all.”

Ohhhhh this fic. Bio-parent Bruce AUs don’t always do it for me, but the fics that get it right get it RIGHT, and this is one of them. Possibly my favorite Jason joins the batfam late fic ever. I’m obsessed with the Jason characterization in this one. Like actually obsessed. Like he is rotating in my brain like a rotisserie chicken at all times constantly 24/7 obsessed. Cannot recommend enough.

Growing Like A Breeze by whaleofatime @cetaceans-pls (6,114 words, Oneshot, Complete)

Author’s Summary:

“April 27th isn't anyone's favourite date, but it's somehow worse than usual today when Bruce gets his car stolen. It's nice of Red Hood to come to his rescue. Nicer even that Jason keeps him company afterwards.”

If you’ve read my fics I think it should be a given that any Jason & Bruce fic tagged “Inexplicable Road Trip” is absolutely going to do it for me. But god, Bruce’s psyche in this one. The man has twisted himself up in more tangles than the Gordian knot. Really fantastic exploration of Bruce & Jason’s relationship and trying to move forward past the destructiveness of grief and blame. I will be thinking about the bumper stickers on Bruce's Hyundai Elantra forever.

through space and time by sparkycap @sparkysomething (6,334 words, Oneshot, Complete)

Author's Summary:

"When an Outlaws mission gets Jason sent back twelve years in the past, he finds himself in a familiar position: stealing something stupid and getting caught by a Batman who wants to give him a second chance. It’s a refreshing change from how encounters with his present-day Batman usually go."

I am a simple woman. Give me a fic where Bruce interacts with Jason without really knowing the significance of who he's interacting with and I will go feral, every time. Absolutely brutal interaction between a well-meaning Bruce and a hurting Jason in this one. Don't want to spoil anything, but there's one line of dialogue in particular that just. Ugh. Fuck me all the way up.

Clearly Calm and Keeping Terrorized by Batbirdies @batbirdies (258,290 words, Multi-Chap, Complete)

Author's Summary:

"Jason made a deal with Bruce, no killing, and there would be no more conflict between them. At least on patrol. Jason reasoned it would be easier to accomplish his goals without constantly fighting Batman along the way. It didn’t change anything, not really. Not until he found an old gift he never knew about and Bruce asked him to dogsit Titus while he and Damian were out of town. Not until the Lazarus Pit started bothering him again. AKA: My take on a Jason rejoins the family fic."

I am once again reccing a Bruce & Jason reconciliation fic (are you perhaps noticing a trend?) This one will break your heart and put it back together again. It's part of a series but can stand alone (though I've read the two works that precede it and highly recommend them as well). 250k+ words about a father and son and the rest of their family trying to figure out how to heal. Genuinely there is so much love in this fic. And trauma! Can't forget the trauma. But also so much love.

Code of Silence by JHSC @jhscdood (9,376 words, Multi-Chap, Complete)

Author's Summary:

"Willis Todd doesn’t die in prison. That doesn’t change much, until it does."

This one is less Jason & Bruce-centric than the others on this list (though Bruce still features, especially in the other works in the series) but it absolutely fits the bill for Jason & his dad content so I'm reccing it anyway. This fic utterly transformed the way I view Willis Todd. Incredibly thoughtful, emotional exploration of trauma and recovery and trying to heal. The whole series is gold.

Good Intentions and the Highest Hopes by rotasha (16,863 words, Multi-Chap, Complete)

Author's Summary:

"Bruce offers each of his children the chance to go on vacation with him, and they get to choose the destination. Jason chooses the one place he thinks Bruce will enjoy the least, out of spite. That’s how the two of them end up going to Disney World."

Another one that perfectly checks all my favorite Bruce & Jason fic boxes. Reconciliation fic? Check. Set in highly specific non-Gotham destination? Check. Bruce not quite knowing how to connect to Jason but trying his best anyway and Jason finally deciding to let him? Check, check, check. Jason's kind of an asshole in this one; I adore him eternally. And I love Bruce so so much in this.

There are so many more I could add but I'm going to leave it at that for now! Hope some of these are new to you & that you enjoy them! And thanks again for reading my work :D

#thanks for the ask! #reminder to self to go back and leave comments on the ones I haven't yet #batman #bruce wayne #jason todd #fic recs #batman fic recs #ivy rambles #ivy answers

[butmakeitgayblog]

Can you Tell us the story about how you met your wife and got together? I know It was somehow Clexa related, pretty please ;)

Oh Sam's not actually my wife 😅 we're not married and probably will never get married. Between us both being the products of divorce (and unhappy marriages prior to that involving parents who stayed together way too long), plus with my whole health issues thing and maybe ending up needing to be on disability down the road, we just decided to shelve that whole notion for the foreseeable future, possibly forever. But in spirit she is, a piece of paper isn't needed. I mean she buys me rotisserie chickens 🥹

Anyway yeah!

So shortly before the pandemic hit I was going out to dinner with a group of friends and one of them asked if she could bring her cousin along. She said her cousin had recently moved down into the area for work and didn't really know anybody else and so, ya know, it'll give her a chance to socialize. We all met up and it was nice and I'm thinking hmm she's cute but also pretty quiet and kinda stoic and probably straight so it was like meh whatever she's alright I guess 🥴. But then during dinner I was eating something that everyone knew would make me feel icky and I said something along the lines of like, "Eh fuck it, victory stands on the back of sacrifice, right?" Fully thinking no one would pick up on it because I knew no one else there had ever watched the show.

But then miss thang's head shot up like 😳

Nobody else having caught this reference, we spend the next several seconds having a silent

moment across the table 🥴

She said I turned both white as a sheet and then fire engine fuckin red😅😅😅 (I have a very real blushing problem. It's the cross I bear that comes with the chubby cheeks, r.i.p.)

After that she started joining in the convo more and actually coming out of her shell. We started kind of having our own side convo just between us and when the check came everyone else decided to call it a night but we stayed behind and had another drink at the bar. We ended up staying till right about closing, and then exchanged numbers and decided to ~hang out~ the next day ~just us~.

For the conversation, obviously.

And that was kind of that. We saw each other pretty much every day after that and text constantly and called each other every night before bed if we weren't staying over together. At first Iiiiiii had a *moment* of panic of not really knowing what we were because it just went from not knowing she existed to having her be kind of the focal point of my life, but she was kind enough to just be like "🙄+😏+🤦‍♀️ we're dating, Andi. We've been dating. That's what we are. Don't hurt yourself there, champ."

So kudos to her for that...

It was tough during the beginning stages of the pandemic because she has family that is very high risk and so do I, both of which if they got it they'd probably die, so quarantine and social distancing was rough but necessary, but we worked through it and both feel more solid for it. And now we live together and she helps me take care of my mother and myself and I do my best to be her support and help her and be her best cheerleader whenever I can 🥹

Downside tho is I'll forever be labeled "Cousin Fucker" in my friend's phone contacts 😒

#anon #when we first got together my friend went wild with it 🙄 #yOu cOuSiN fUcKeR yOU FUCKED MY COUSIN YOU COUSIN FUCKER #she wasn't actually mad #just got way too much mileage out of saying that in public places #i did and do fuck her cousin tho so... I guess that's fair

[thychesters]

20 Questions for fic writers

@acewithapaintbrush posted and said "go for it" so here i am! putting this under a cut because it got long lmao

How many works do you have on Ao3?

33

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

303,124

3. What fandoms do you write for?

dc/batman/birds of prey, with some until dawn and uncharted thrown in there. right now it's mostly one piece though.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

ship to wreck. (one piece/zolu)

ocean breathes salty. (one piece/zolu)

ronald mcdonald eat your heart out. (dc/batman/bruce & dick)

the salt & the sea. (one piece/zolu/reincarnation au)

misery loves company. (dc/batman/jason & damian)

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes! i appreciate them a ton. sometimes it might take me a few days but i try to respond to every single one

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ooh that's a tough one, because while i like to include a lot of notes of angst, most of the endings have been on decent notes. maybe if you go out in the woods today (until dawn) because it's a vanishing hitchhiker au.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably the salt & the sea. (one piece)! i'd like to think all of that build up to the end and the reunion was worth it. (and it was to me, at least!)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

luckily i have not!

9. Do you write smut?

hehe i have and i want to again!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written?

nope! not really my thing.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

years ago i noticed some similarities in ideas, but nothing too major.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

i haven't!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

i have... considered doing so...

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

since i tend to bop between fandoms, i don't really have one! right now it's zolu, but i also really enjoy the dynamics of the straw hats as a whole. i'm rotating them in my mind like a rotisserie chicken.

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i think unfortunately the first op fic i started is going to end up being something the buzzards (me) pick at for lines and ideas. or maybe someday in the far future it will see the light of day. (i started it 70 episodes into my watch and stabbed zoro haha)

16. What are your writing strengths?

i like to think i can convey emotions and character interactions. i also enjoy some of the physicality between them, so i hope that shows as well!

17. What are you writing weaknesses?

balancing out dialogue between a large cast of characters and pacing in action sequences. want to keep enough happening to keep things moving, but not repeat myself four times.

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

why not, if it works?

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

honestly i think my friend and i wrote twilight parody fic when we were in middle school LMAO

20. Favorite fic you have written?

more recently i'm very proud of the zolu reincarnation au i've mentioned above, but i'm also really, really happy with the way the zoro pining fic ode to an ocean. turned out. that one has a few of my favorite lines in it! (also maybe my next wip ... or who knows)

thanks for the tag by proxy ace!

if they're interested in doing so, i'm tagging @lookforanewangle, @beck-a-leck, @sciencemyfiction, @ghostlandtoo, and @microcomets! (hi claire!)

#thanks ace! #ohhh man i'm going to bed ok good night everyone #kate blabs

[macdennisofficial]

any big predictions for s16

Whole season analysis incoming!!! Big wrinkly brain predictions that WILL happen mark my fucking words below!

First episode: The Gang Does Edibles for the first time. "wait a minute macdennisofficial," you say, "they smoked weed before and also crack and sniff glue??" Exactly. They ain't done edibles before.

So you know Frank is like I did Columbian bam bam with Vietnamese sweatshop kids and Dee and Dennis are like "we were legit crackheads before" and Charlie is like "haha I do inhalants so much I built up a tolerance to mustard gas" and Mac is like I am a drug dealer hello ??? They are all like "we are not pussies when it comes to weed we have taken fat ass bong rips so many times" so they just. Dump. Like a whole gallon of weed in the brownie mix. And then between the five of them eat the whole fucking pan to prove how not pussy they are.

Anyway so two hours later Dee "these edibles ain't shit" Reynolds is screaming hysterically and shitting her pants while clinging to the rooftop and staring at the sky, Frank is furiously fucking a rotisserie chicken while listening to sixties war protest rock and seeing colours and having Rambo First Blood flashbacks, Charlie sees everything like a cartoon and is a Disney prince(ss?) who can control rats and pigeons with his singing voice and also hallucinates a musical with the Gang, Mac literally sees God and speaks to him and fucks him. He just fucks God. Full penetration. And God is gay btw and played by Ryan Reynolds. In real life Mac is actually just like lying on the pool table staring at the ceiling light. With this huge stoner boner. Dennis is like weeping in the bathroom because Rick Astley is playing on the jukebox and it's so fucking beautiful and decides he wants to become an artist because the yuck puddle is so beautiful and he wants to commemorate it and it is talking to him

They all manage to meet at some point and talk to each other and hallucinate Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-esque shit together. Oompa Loompas look like Frank's sweatshop children and they sing "oompa loompa doopity doo what the fuck is wrong with all of you"

Episode two: They are discussing Kanye and how they need to separate the art from the artist because they voted for him but they can't support him now that he says all this anti Semitic stuff lately because they might get cancelled for liking him so they just cut all the pictures of Kanye out of the albums and posters and stuff they own and replace it with pictures of Pepperjack. This is especially important they vocally distance themselves from Kanye because Wolf Cola has used him for promotional ads. So they also have to cut ties with him professionally. It's all very selfish because they're concerned about their image.

Episode three: They make fun of Dee for calling herself a feminist even though she never passes the Bechdel test and they argue about how to pronounce it properly. She says she will pass it by the end of the day and she fails constantly but at the end of the episode she finds the Waitress and they talk about something other than men. She is excited and then Charlie is like; "What's her name? It only counts if you know her name." She doesn't know her name. It is titled Dee Fails the Bechdel Test. It is a Chardee themed episode, but they don't kiss or anything.

Episode four: We see the Gang's exploits from someone else's perspective. It is their fucking stalker. They have a stalker and they dont even know it. I mean this is like Joe from You styled narration and everything. The stalker has like Pepe Sylvia style pics on their wall connecting them to various crimes and shit in Philly and it's all true btw but the stalker gets arrested for stalking and attempting assassination (yeah, like an actual attempt at murder) and the Gang is like; "Who the fuck even are you?" despite this stalker being in their bar every day for like years. It is a fun episode because we see them in many mid-scheme situations with like no context.

Episode five: They try to reboot The Nightman Cometh because the find out they have fans because Artemis posted it online and there is fanfic and meta. The reboot is complete and utter SHIT so the fans hate them now lmfao

Episode six: Someone approaches them to say "hey this bar should be a reality series" and they accept but they all agree they should be less problematic because they don't wanna piss off the producers and then the producers are like "actually Mac you're not gay you're bi because it's Not In to be monosexual anymore also uhm you can joke about being into men but you can only ever on screen be with a woman mmkay but lets queerbair you with Dennis." They like insist he hooks up with Dee lmfao and Mac and Dee are FURIOUS. This is like a total commentary on the way television and movies are produced now where the actual writers have little control and the company micromanages their entire lives all for ad revenue and product placement and tiktok soundbites. Anyway they try to go along with it and film thr Pilot just for the studio to say that it was all meant to be a tax write off so their show gets pulled before even being and blacklisted from Streaming Services despite all the work they did and there are jokes about shitty graphics and crap pay.

Episode seven is kind of a part two of the previous episode because Frank buys out the streaming service and calls it like Wolf Soda Streams. They can post all their shitty movies on it and their reality series and also The Nightman Cometh (the original and reboot). Frank accidentally uploads several sex tapes of him and Artemis instead so it crashes and burns and ends up being more lucrative as a tax write off. The employees of the company he bought out all lost their jobs and end up homeless in the alley with Cricket. They all say; "Those fuckers ruined my life!" and he just stares at them and goes; "First time?"

Episode eight: Dennis starts dating a woman who looks and acts exactly like Mac. And literally everybody sees it EXCEPT Mac and Dennis. She's even Mac's cousin. But Mac and Dennis are idiots. And just don't see it. And everybody is like wtf come on. In the end this woman leaves Dennis because she realizes she's a lesbian.

Episode nine: Finally Mac dates a man and Dennis is motherfucking livid. He assumes it's the envy of being single and being dumped a week prior but we all know the truth. Everyone knows the truth. Except Mac. This boyfriend is also played by Ryan Reynolds and as a callback to the season premiere someone says he has the body of God. Anyway the jealousy and envy is eating Dennis up inside until the episode ends with Dennis screaming like a psychopathic madman in the rain while staring at Mac and Ryan Reynolds through a window holding an axe.

Episode ten: This is shot like a horror movie a la The Maureen Ponderosa Wedding Massacre. It's like a typical slasher movie with Dennis as the bad guy and everyone hiding from him and he's going after Ryan Reynolds. It's terrifying and all that. Scary shit like wtf this might be too dark for an Always Sunny episode except they pull it off super well and there is humor and stuff. There are lots of Dennis screaming hilarious shit like I HAVE THE RAGE OF A THOUSAND SPURNED LOVERS SPILLING SEED OVER CIGARETTE BURNED PICTURES OF THEIR EXES! Just when he corners Ryan Reynolds and screams at him "MAC IS MINE" with the ax raised the scene cuts to them all still in the bar fucked up on edibles in the very first episode. They've finally sobered up and make a comment about how the past few hours seemed like weeks or whatever and how they hallucinated some crazy shit and then Dennis walks over to Mac and just fucking kisses him on the mouth, and Mac reciprocates and the rest of the gang make gagging noises and call them slurs. The end

#iasip #season 16 predictions #answered asks

[imaginesforjohnnydepp]

Johnny as a grandpa hcs

When you told him that he was going to be a grandpa, it was the second happiest day of his life (the first being the day you were born)

The first time he laid eyes on his grandchild was in the hospital after they were born

They were so tiny. “Just like you when you were born”

Johnny would be so gentle with them, he’d hold the baby while you (and/or partner) rested up

Yes, your child has another set of grandparents, but they’re not as cool as your dad

They have a special bond right from the start

As your child gets older, they go on more adventures

Your dad teaches them how to play instruments

Johnny is always volunteering to watch them if you and/or partner have to work or run errands

Weekend sleepovers (who else used to spend the weekend at their grandparents’ house?)

For some reason I have the feeling that Johnny cannot cook dinner from scratch so they’d order pizza or whatever for dinner but he’d make breakfast for the two of them, simple things like scrambled or fried eggs, toast. Maybe toaster waffles or microvable and box mix pancakes

Saturday activities would include watching morning cartoons while they eat breakfast. Johnny would proceed to get them ready for the day. They might grab lunch while they’re out.

By this point the kid is tired and is ready for a nap. They go home and fall asleep. If at some point Johnny wakes up before them, he’ll get started on dinner (this kid HAS to eat a vegetable, and HIS will ask if the kid had anything healthy)

They have store bought rotisserie chicken, box mac and cheese and broccoli

Johnny gets his grandchild’s stuff packed and ready to go for their parent to pick them up in the morning

Yes, he had a great weekend, but he’s also ready for THEE fattest nap of his life while he prepares to do it again next week

That man is in bed by 8PM

When it comes to gift giving, Johnny is the king

Your partner’s parents would give your child give them things like clothing and gift cards

And honestly, what are they gonna do with a gift card?

Shows up to all the school talent shows, recitals in the front row

Keeps their artwork on his fridge (sorry to say that yours have been moved to the attic or basement to make space)

If he’s away filming or whatever, he’ll call every week he’s away and come back with presents

He loves that kid so much and would do anything for them

#johnny depp x reader #johnny depp imagines

[kevinsreviewcatalogue]

Review: Jennifer's Body (2009)

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Rated R for sexuality, bloody violence, language and brief drug use (unrated version reviewed)

<Originally posted at https://kevinsreviewcatalogue.blogspot.com/2024/01/review-jennifers-body-2009.html>

Score: 4 out of 5

At this stage, pointing out that critics and moviegoers in 2009 were completely wrong about Jennifer's Body is about as much of a hot take as saying that they were completely wrong about The Thing back in 1982. The story of how 20th Century Fox's short-lived youth-focused genre label Fox Atomic screwed over this movie's marketing because they had no idea what to do with it, and how their strategy of selling a very queer, very feminist horror-comedy as trashy softcore erotica aimed at the Spike TV fratbro set (as seen with the poster above) predictably backfired, is a long and sordid one that doesn't bear much repeating at this point. It's a movie that bombed badly when it came out and did lasting damage to the careers of both its lead actress Megan Fox and its screenwriter Diablo Cody, but went on to build its reputation on home video and streaming such that it's now talked about as one of the greatest horror movies of its time, and one of the greatest teen horror movies ever made. Lisa Frankenstein, a new horror-comedy written by Cody that comes out next month, is currently being explicitly marketed as "from Diablo Cody, acclaimed writer of Jennifer's Body," whereas if it had been made ten years ago, the trailers would not have even dared to mention her name.

I was one of the people who did see it when it came out, and even back then, I recall enjoying it and wondering why so much hatred was being hurled at a movie that was, at worst, pretty decent. Watching it again now, in 2024? It's a movie that it feels like it predicted every anxiety of young Americans, and especially teenage girls and young women, in the fifteen years to come, an incredibly smart, dark, gothic, stylish, and twisted movie whose comedic streak does little to take away from its scares and which is buoyed by a standout performance from Amanda Seyfried. Yes, it has its flaws. The jokes about Cody's too-cool-for-school dialogue at times becoming downright cringeworthy have been long since run into the ground (even if I think the problem is a bit overstated), and Fox was always a fairly limited actress even if this movie plays to her strengths. But on the whole, its problems, while real, are minor and not debilitating, and I had a blast watching it as both a straightforward teen fright flick and as a movie with more on its mind.

The plot is broadly similar to Ginger Snaps, a film with which this makes a great double feature, on a bigger Hollywood budget. Two teenage girls, Jennifer Check and Anita "Needy" Lesnicki, in the small podunk town of Devil's Kettle, Minnesota have been best friends since childhood, but while Jennifer has grown up into a beautiful cheerleader and the most popular girl in school, Needy has grown up into a dorky outsider who it seems is only still friends with Jennifer because they've always been friends (and perhaps... something more). One night, while heading down to a local bar to see an emo band called Low Shoulder, a fire breaks out and kills scores of people, with Needy and Jennifer escaping and Jennifer accepting an offer from the band to head home in their totally sweet, not-at-all-creepy van. Later that night, Jennifer comes to Needy's house looking like a bloody mess, eating rotisserie chicken straight out of her fridge, vomiting up black bile, and attacking her... only for her to suddenly come to school the next day looking no worse for wear and, if anything, both more beautiful than ever and an even bigger asshole than she was before. Needy suspects that something is up, and as it turns out, she's right: that night after the concert fire, Low Shoulder took the classic route to rock & roll superstardom and sacrificed Jennifer to Satan. Unfortunately, their victim wasn't a virgin like they believed she was, and so Jennifer came back from the dead possessed by a succubus who seduces her male classmates before eating them.

Both then and now, most of the discourse around this film has concerned its literal poster girl, Megan Fox. Having seen her in quite a few movies over the years, I've come to have a mixed opinion of Fox's acting. Hollywood did do her dirty for bluntly calling out the problems she encountered working in the film industry as an "it girl", but at the same time, she doesn't have much range, and even without the backlash, her career trajectory likely would've been less Margot Robbie or Scarlett Johansson than Jessica Alba (minus the business career that made her far more money than she ever did as an actress) or Bo Derek: a sex symbol whose roles would've slowly but surely dried up once she turned 30. However, while she is a fairly limited instrument as an actor, she isn't wholly untalented, and this film makes the absolute best use of those talents. It doesn't really ask much of her except to play a villainous version of her stock screen persona, a gorgeous, kinda haughty young woman who uses her body to get ahead in (un)life, and occasionally mug for the camera, and she absolutely nails it. Jennifer is a creative twist on the standard possession movie plot, one where the demonic shift in the possession victim's personality manifests in the form of her turning into a grotesque caricature of a high school "queen bee" like Regina George in Mean Girls, an utter shitheel who laughs at the suffering of her classmates even as they grieve the deaths of their friends. She may literally eat teenage boys alive, but the actions of hers that best reveal the depths of her monstrosity are those that feel all too human. Fox owns the part and makes it her own, such that I'm not surprised at how many of her scenes in this have been immortalized as gifs on Tumblr and clips on TikTok.

And it was watching the effects of that monstrosity flow through the lives of the people who knew Jennifer's victims that something clicked. One of the big things that retrospective analyses of this movie have focused on is its treatment of rape culture, especially as represented in Nikolai Wolf, the frontman of Low Shoulder. But watching the film again in 2024, I noticed something else. It's the feeling of helplessness that slowly but surely comes over the school, with everybody growing numb and fatigued to tragedy as the "cannibal serial killer" claims more victims right on the heels of the massive concert disaster while the adults are unable to stop any of it -- everyone, that is, except the one who treats it as one big joke and relishes in it like a troll. This may have been a movie made in 2009 about children of the 2000s, but even with its extremely MySpace-era emo aesthetics, it felt like a movie about children of the 2010s raised in a world of rampant mass shootings, religious extremism, resurgent bigotry, raging sexism, shrinking economic opportunity, and countless other social ills while nobody seemed to know how to fix it. Jennifer may be an iconic, catty, and sexy villain who gets many (though not all) of the best lines and scenes, but if you ask me, it's Needy, the one who finally says "no" and resolves to do what nobody else will no matter what it costs her, who's the reason this movie endures. Watching her fight Jennifer was like watching somebody throw down with every wiseass troll who thinks that school shootings, beheading videos, and tiki torch rallies are awesome as their sick way of telling the world that it's "cringe" to care about anything. Yes, it's clear watching this that Cody doesn't really know how teenagers speak, but she managed to capture how they think remarkably well.

When it came to Needy, this movie needed a world-class actress, and fortunately, it found one in Amanda Seyfried. The film practically acknowledges the ridiculousness of trying to frame her as "unattractive", but she manages to pull it off anyway. Watching the intro flashing forward to her locked up in a psychiatric hospital (letting us know early on that this is not going to end well), then jumping back to two months prior when we see her as a meek, bespectacled nerd looking longingly at a still-living Jennifer during a pep rally to the point that one of her classmates thinks she's a closeted lesbian (which, as we later see, may very well be the case), it's hard to believe that they're the same person, but Seyfried manages to make Needy's transformation from a cute girl next door who looks awkward in "alternative" clothes when heading to the concert to a hardened, shell-shocked survivor feel genuine. With Jennifer serving mainly as a monster and a symbol more than a character after she dies and comes back, it's largely on Needy to carry the film's emotional core, her heartbreak at watching one of her closest friendships turn toxic, and I bought every minute of it. This, as much as Mamma Mia!, was the movie that should've indicated that Seyfried was going places as a gifted and genuinely fearless actress, and I'm not surprised that her career would ultimately outlast the hype she first received in her youth.

Most of this film's comedy comes from its supporting cast, a who's who of both contemporary teen stars and older comedy actors. J. K. Simmons plays the science teacher Mr. Wroblewski about as far from his iconic J. Jonah Jameson performance as he can but still managed to make his dry, stern authority figure amusing. The clique of goth kids led by Kyle Gallner's Colin is a hilarious parody of the "edgy" youth counterculture of the era, a group of kids whose obsession with the aesthetics of death and misery seemingly makes them better suited than anyone else to live in the hostile world Jennifer creates with her murders, only for it to create some serious blind spots not just in their interactions with Jennifer but also in their sense of good taste. In the unrated cut that I watched, Bill Fagerbakke steals the show playing the father of one of Jennifer's victims, utterly devouring the one scene he's in where he mourns his son's death and swears vengeance on his killer in one of the most creatively graphic ways I've ever heard -- all while using the same voice he uses when playing Patrick Star on SpongeBob SquarePants. Johnny Simmons (no relation to J. K.) makes for a likable romantic partner to Needy as her boyfriend Chip, enough to make up for a fairly underwritten part, less like a character and more like a gender-flipped version of the stock "girlfriend" characters you see in movies with male heroes. Chip and Needy get what may just be the cutest and most awkward sex scene I've ever watched, one where neither of them really knows what they're doing but each of them wants to make sure that the other is having as much fun doing it as they are. There's definitely a sense of idealization in his character, like Cody was writing the kind of boyfriend she wished she had in high school.

Finally, we come to Adam Brody as Nikolai, the film's secondary villain and the man responsible for everything that goes wrong. In hindsight, the idea of a sappy emo musician who, behind the scenes, is as much a depraved rock star as any classic metal god, which originally came off as a joke, is one that turned out to be shockingly prescient of what a lot of Warped Tour emo, pop-punk, and scene bands were actually like behind the scenes. Not only do he and his band kill Jennifer after they're initially presented as "merely" rapists (and even after, the metaphors aren't exactly subtle), he ruthlessly exploits the aftermath of the concert fire to ever-greater heights of fame and fortune, implicitly the work of the Devil holding up his end of the bargain, all while casually insulting the town where it happened and, by extension, the memories of the victims. Low Shoulder's hit song "Through the Trees" is heard throughout the film to the point where it feels like it's taunting Needy, the one person who knows the truth about their "heroism" during the fire, how they in fact left dozens of people to die instead of trying to save them and how it's implied that the fire was, in fact, their fault (whether it was negligence or malice, it's never stated). Jennifer may have been evil, but the things that had been done to her to turn her into a monster made her a tragic villain nonetheless. I felt no such pity for Nikolai, with Brody playing him as a swaggering and spiteful bastard who I wanted to see suffer.

Karyn Kusama's direction, when paired with the visual design and the 2000s aesthetics dripping off this film, gives it a tone that I could perhaps best describe as gothic. Not just in the fashion sense of certain characters, but also in the heightened, old-school approach it takes to staging many of its scenes. It felt like she had been very informed by classic horror in a manner almost akin to Tim Burton at times, albeit with his brand of whimsy swapped out for black comedy. This is an incredibly moody film even in its funnier moments, serving to underline the grim nature of a lot of the humor here and lend it a dark edge. It feels sexy without feeling sleazy, perhaps best evidenced by the famous lesbian kiss scene, which puts the focus squarely on the characters' faces and plays the situation as something disturbing. Yes, you're watching Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried passionately making out for a good solid minute or so, but you're also watching Jennifer manipulate Needy and exploit the feelings she has for her in order to torment her that much further. At every step of the way, this is a film that knows what it's doing, and it does it well.

The Bottom Line

It does have its minor annoyances, but this is still a movie that deserved the reevaluation it's received, and one that stands the test of time as a classic of teen horror, queer horror, and feminist horror even if its fashions and soundtrack are carbon-dated to 2009.

#jennifer's body #2009 #2009 movies #horror #horror movies #teen horror #comedy #comedy movies #horror comedy #teen movies #queer horror #supernatural horror #possession #megan fox #jennifer check #amanda seyfried #needy lesnicki #karyn kusama #diablo cody #adam brody #low shoulder #j. k. simmons #johnny simmons #amy sedaris #chris pratt #kyle gallner #that will be your balls

[sliceofalineslife]

1/19/23

so ive been gaining weight a lot recently and im not sure if it was the birth control or my eating habits. But it makes me feel terrible. I've been more mindful of what I eat and I try to workout everyday if I can. And I have lost 5 lbs already but I still feel bloated and fat. I'm trying to not starve myself and lose weight in a healthy way. But I feel like I might starve myself the 1-2 weeks before I go to nyc. so do i start before atl or no hm. But every time I go to atl I lose weight by the time i get back. I think thats because i drink so much and eat so little. I just eat 2 meals a day and occasionally healthy snacks in between. But I eat dinner at like 9 because I try to squeeze in the gym. But the dinner is healthy. I need more greens but its rotisserie chicken, rice, and picked vegetables/kimchi. Calorie wise it shouldn't be more like 400-500 calories and its super filling. even at work I don't buy anything caloric. But my weakness is when people bring food at work. Like today they brought bagels and sandwiches. I got fruit and bagels for breakfast and lunch. I'm looking at around 700-800 calories already sigh. It's one more meal than I usually eat... I need to go into starvation mode soon. But right now I only eat like 1000 calories a day aside from today..I'm not trying to waste food at all. also why did no one tell me Publix rotisserie chicken is so good and so low cal. like a whole chicken is 1200 (lemon pepper). I could easily eat that in one day ngl

#alineslife

[emwhyarentyouwriting]

  When I was between the ages of 4-6 I would eat instant noodles in the weirdest way possible: I had the ability to swallow a noodle whole and pull it back up my throat and let my mom witness what has become of her child. I retried it after years, yep... I can still do it. 

#this is kinda gross #ramen noodles #instant noodles #I swallow noodles whole #nom #why am i so weird #trust me it grosses people out #but i hate chicken #I will do this every day before I have to eat a rotisserie chicken #JJ be working on chapter three when I did that again

[moemoemammon]

MC is Sick?!

(Feat. GN!MC and the Demon Bros)

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Lucifer

A little late to notice that you’re sick. He’s been so busy lately that he can’t watch you as carefully as he’d like to, so he apologizes for not catching on sooner.

But now that it’s been brought to his attention, Lucifer is all over it. You’re excused from your classes and sent to your room for bedrest while he tends to everything else. He’s rarely the one to bring you your medicine or meals, to his dismay, but his busy schedule just won’t allow it. 

If he were able he’d let you stay in his room until you felt better. But for the time being, he’ll have to squeeze in little visits to your room, where he’ll pop in and sit on the edge of your bed, pressing his hand against your forehead and letting it linger on your cheek.

He’ll often come to your room with a record for you to listen to, and he loves talking about the history of the music and the life of the composure. His boring talks put you right to sleep.

“This piece is one of my favorites. The composer went into an illness induced madness when he created the sheet music, and wouldn't eat or sleep for two weeks until it’d been completed. Why, I often listen to it when- Ah, have you fallen asleep?"

Mammon

The first to notice the change in your health. You don’t look so good.. Are you okay? MC?!

Good luck trying to get any rest, because your first man is gonna be popping in and out of your room every five minutes. He’s constantly checking in on you, making sure you’re not too hot or too cold, that you’ve got something to drink, that you ate the soup he left-

Actually, Mammon’s not that bad of a caretaker! He’s a little too attentive, but he clearly knows what he’s doing. Also insists on being the only one that takes care of you until you’re better.

Polices everything you do. You wanna get out of bed? Nope, wait for Mammon. You’re bored? He’ll bring you something to do. Know what, he’s just gonna move into your room for the time being-

“Who told ya to go and get sick? Makin' me worry like this... I'm gonna make sure ya get better in no time, so you'd better be grateful, ya hear? I don't do this for just anybody..."

Levi

No way... You’re sick?! But you guys had plans to watch Magical Ruri Hana together...

Yeah, he’s not the best at caretaking despite watching Cells at Work, but he does know the basics! It kills him to leave his room so frequently, so.. why don’t you just stay in his room? He’ll take care of you there, and the healing waves of Ruri-chan will wash over you and get rid of your illness!

He definitely can’t be your primary caregiver, unless you want to be sick forever. Anime doesn't really imitate real life. Who would've thought?

 But he’s as attentive as he can be, at least! He brings you new DVDs to watch, manga to read, and delicious stacks to try whenever he can! Even if this is all he can do, he wants to make sure you know he’s thinking about you. May or may not also be spam texting you and keeping you awake-

“I brought the audio drama for you to listen to! It's from the TSL live series, where they act out the scenes! You won't have to worry about reading or watching anything, so you can listen to it to sleep. Oh, but I want to hear your opinion on everything! And then you- huh? When will you be able to sleep? Uh..."

Satan

The most knowledgeable when it comes to taking care of human illnesses, but he still fumbles a little. Insists on making an accurate diagnosis of your symptoms, and that takes way longer than the actual treatement,

But once he’s deduced what’s going on, Satan goes all in. You might feel like a guinea pig because of all the weird methods he’s trying on you (may or may not have read a medieval medicine book first), so uhhhhh be patient with him. Now hold still while he puts this onion in your sock-

Not as attentive as the others, but very thorough when he tends to you. And despite all the unorthodox healing methods, you actually recover quickly, by some miracle.

In the quieter moments when all you need is rest, Satan will sit by and quietly read to you until you lull off to sleep, brushing the hair from your face before he leaves.

“Hm... I was sure St. John's Wart would do the trick, but your fever hasn't broken at all? Maybe I ought to try minced garlic and honey next? Or maybe..- Eh? Just normal medicine is fine?"

Asmo

SICK?! No no, this won’t do at all! Asmo doesn’t want to see his darling MC looking so pale and unsightly! It’s off to bed with you now. No, not his bed he loves you but you’ve gotta understand-

Gentle affection is one of Asmo’s selling points, but that doesn’t mean the king of aftercare knows how to treat illnesses. He does however make you extremely comfortable. I’m talking extra fluffy pillows, cold and hot packs where you need them most, careful sponge baths (if you’ll let him), and everything else he can offer to make sure you’re okay.

May or may not show up in a hazmat suit, but don’t worry. The mask is clear so you get a view of his beautiful face! And when he isn’t around to take care of you, he sends pictures of himself to speed up the healing process.

Most likely to ask for help in your care. He tends to forget that you need more than affection and selfies to help you recover-

“Make sure you get better quickly, okay? I'll keep gracing your with my gorgeous face, and that ought to heal you in no time! Oh, maybe an herbal bath will help, too? I'll join you~!"

Beel

Extremely worried the moment you sneeze twice in a row. And when that escalates into a full blown cold, he immediately takes you to your room and cocoons you in every spare blanket he can find.

His care is sloppy, but full of affection. Your bed is a fluffy mess of soft blankets and pillows, and he lingers in your room nearly all day. And naturally, Beel knows you need to eat in order to heal.

You’re never without any food. This man will bring you an entire rotisserie chicken and a quart of orange juice for breakfast do not underestimate him. And if you can’t stomach anything, he’s try for things that’re easier to eat. like soups and broths. Also insists on feeding you himself.

Might also need some help in caring for you. He has good intentions and he’s being as careful with you as can be, but it can’t help to have another set of hands on the job. He wants to make sure you get the best care he can offer.

“Mm... you're not eating a lot today. Hm? You're full? But you only had a shadow hog roast, three sandwiches, and a gallon of juice. Are you sure that's enough? ...Well, maybe you're right. I'll eat what you can't finish, then. Hm? You're worried I'll get sick? It's fine. A human cold wont affect me."

Belphie

He knew something was up when you didn’t get out of bed that morning. Sleeping until 2pm is HIS thing, got it? Just kidding-

Tries not to show it, but this man is so worried that he can’t even sleep. BELPHEGOR, the Avatar of Sloth, is suffering from insomnia. 

He isn’t really the best at taking care of other people, but he knows that plenty of rest can only do you good. Belphie climbs into your bed and resigns himself to staying there until you heal. Somehow, having him around makes your sleep even deeper, so you always wake up feeling a little more rested than before.

Not so great at remembering when to bring you medicine and stuff, so the help of the others is a given. But despite that, you find yourself comfortable in every position you shift into. Belphie knows a thing or two about resting peacefully, so he’s got an eye for helping you with that.

“Are you feeling a little better today? ...Good. You were tossing and turning in your sleep, so I got you that ice pack. It look like your fever finally broke, so that means I can rest easy now.. goodnight......"

#I wrote this because I am ill and I wanna indulge #obey me shall we date #obey me! #obey me #obey me! shall we date? #shall we date? obey me! #shall we date obey me #obey me writing #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #obey me imagines #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me levi #obey me satan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie

[aristotles-denial]

i’m gonna make stupid atla modern au ✨hot takes ✨ that i put no thought into but will now defend with my life

aang has a beanie baby collection

yknow those stupid little buzzy insect toy robot things? hex bugs i think?? yeah azula sets them loose on zuko’s bed at night to fuck with him

zukka american pickers au WHEN?

katara owns multiple pairs of uhhhh. idk. galoshes. rain boots

katara and zuko go as sharkboy and lavagirl for halloween. or sokka and zuko, hell do i care

toph’s favorite movie is lilo & stitch. believe it or not she’s an elvis fan. i’ve decided that this makes complete sense yes

zuko is a diehard mcr fan, obviously 🙄😵‍💫😎

ty lee walks around in ballet slippers most of the time and everyone’s just really confused as to how she hasn’t killed her feet by now. they’re not even pointe shoes, just the thin ballet slippers

zukka storm chasers au WHEN?

mai = 80s goth

despite being one of the youngest of the friend group, aang starts driving a lotta them the second he gets his permit (not even his License). sokkas fine w it bc katara always takes their family’s car before he can call it. toph can’t drive bc she’s blind and got in too many fights with katara for giving her the wrong directions so she’s been exiled to aang’s car. zuko got caught speeding too often so driving w aang is “safer”. suki’s just there for fun :). katara drives yue and Sometimes suki to school

azula convinces zuko that there are scratch and sniff stickers on the bottom of the pool. he falls for it every time and keeps almost drowning

this one isn’t even stupid, it’s a Fact. modern au toph uses a cane !!

real story a couple weeks ago i had a couple friends over and one of my friends’ (let’s call him J) older brother (let’s call him R) came to pick J up but R & i are buddies so the four of us stood in my driveway at midnight while R very seriously told us about his “twin flame”. i was completely entranced. anyway R is yue and i’m sokka and my friends are katara & aang

aang and sokka have a youtube channel. there are a lotta parkour stunts on it. sometimes they get zuko to join but most of the time they just use him as an unwilling prop

after the hex bugs incident azula releases live bugs into zuko’s room

first time sokka even steps onto suki’s skateboard he immediately gets a concussion. this is based off of my brother & his very cool girlfriend

sokka once brought a rotisserie chicken into math class and started offering it to ppl. also based off of a true story

ty lee has light up skechers

if you ask katara for a piece of gum during class she pulls out several packs of different flavors for options

oh my GOD i forgot JET. jet also features on aang & sokka’s youtube channel sometimes bc they have an ongoing series of videos that is Just jet and zuko fighting

@greyj30 the freedom fighters have a minecraft server

yue sells her own handmade jewelry

jet wears the cringe deadpool shirts that say stuff like “i’m sorry, did i offend you?” bc hes a king like that

at my school we have the senior high tops and the senior cafe which are reserved eating areas for seniors and the senior cafe has a ping pong table and couches and all that. well anyway azula, mai, & ty lee have been sitting at the senior high tops & senior cafe since they were sophomores and everybody’s been too afraid to tell them to move (they sat there both as a power move And to annoy zuko, an actual senior)

Everyone goes all out during spirit week but no one goes as hard as suki. her back must hurt from carrying 70s Day. sokka gave her a run for her money on Dads on Vacation Day but then she pulled out the flip flops that have bottle openers on the bottom and he was done for

mai has a tamagotchi or whatever

the gaang walked to the local convenience store after school everyday until toph got them banned. no one knows what she did to get them banned tho

guys oh my god this got out of hand and became way too consistent

i’m forcing the american pickers au into this. zuko and sokka frequently go on road trips and check out yard sales and stuff like that. mostly to find cool weapons but sometimes sokka finds a cool little trinket or geeks out over an obscure invention or whatever and zuko’s just 🥰 iroh often tags along as well but zuko has to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t buy the most unnecessary things

yknow what? storm chasers au as well. iroh made zuko start carpooling w/ aang bc zuko kept driving into storms to go yell at them

haru wears a different headband everyday to match his outfit

teo’s wheelchair has leds on the wheels. that’s a thing, right? anyway he and ty lee match

katara is in the school choir

going back to the carpool situation, smellerbee finally gets the car once jet graduates and continues on his legacy of absolutely BLASTING music and screaming at the top of her lungs while pulling out of the school parking lot. longshot loves his friends :) also yes this is abt me and my sister what abt it

sometimes azula takes mai’s tamagotchi and throws it at zuko just for the hell of it

guys idek what a tamagotchi is

katara’s handwriting is just *chef’s kiss*

haru’s on the football team idk i’ve just decided

haru tries to convince jet to join the basketball team simply bc he’s tall (and bc haru thinks it’d be hot) and it fails spectacularly. jet goes back to fencing

teo also features on sokka and aang’s channel. he and sokka have their own segment to explain the science behind different parkour tricks or to introduce different homemade inventions that will supposedly help said parkour tricks (they force zuko to test them out for them)

after that jet packs are no longer allowed on school property

katara & sokka team up to make posters for all the school’s clubs. she uses her beautiful handwriting and sokka provides fun lil drawings :D

she was a punk, she did ballet (suki & yue)

she was a goth, she did gymnastics (mai & ty lee)

he was an emo, he did parkour (zuko & sokka)

she was an environmental activist, he did cheerleading (katara & aang)

can i make it anymore obvious?

azula becomes class president after a lotta threats and bribery but is then surprisingly. a really good class president? what?? she has yue help w/ planning prom. katara is class treasurer

jet has a field day when smellerbee confesses her crush on toph to him

aang has a field day when toph confesses her crush on smellerbee to him

(it’s longshot who finally gets them together tho. king shit)

teo and longshot. jin and azula. boom everyone’s paired up bc it was bothering me that i had an uneven number

zuko works at iroh’s tea shop and Hates it of course. jin and jet make it slightly more tolerable. azula stops by to dunk on zuko w/ jet and to flirt with jin

mai never does her hw but still does well in school

yue and haru are besties i’ve decided. they try to convince sokka that haru’s headbands are actually like mood rings and change color w/ haru’s mood. ty lee weighs in and confirms that haru’s aura is totally a spring green today

“senior” prank but she does it every year of high school, toph gets her friends to help erect a statue of her in different spots in the school

#atla #aang #azula #zuko #katara #sokka #toph #ty lee #mai #suki #yue #the gaang #jet #haru #teo #smellerbee #longshot #iroh #jin atla #yueki #mailee #zukka #kataang #jetru #toph x smellerbee #teo x longshot #jinzula #long post #modern au #ez talks

[melxncholymermxid]

2021: A Year in Review

I'm normally the last person to toot my own horn and give myself flowers, but I've seen a couple posts about what we all accomplished this year, and I wanna partake.

Early 2021 was rough. A close friend had recently been in a car accident and without a car. I'd been with her at the time and we worked together, so I offered to drive her around. She has kids so it wasn't just work, it was day care, school, groceries, her dates (she had an awful breakup in summer 2020 and she was starting to get over it), smoke seshes (she lived with her mom and without a car had nowhere to smoke and she needed to to be able to eat/sleep/etc), and any other obligations she had. This lead to having issues with getting to work myself, along with burn out and resentment on both ends in our friendship.

We also got two new managers who came from a less busy store and, to be fair to them, had no idea what they were getting into. I slowly became one of the most depended on in my department while simultaneously getting shit from managers who only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong.

I started a new job in May while continuing to stay at my old one. Haven't done that since I was 18 and my new job was EXTREMELY physically demanding. Between the two jobs, stress and little to no free time to eat, I lost quite a bit of weight. I've always had body image issues and the threat gaining it all back if I quit kept me at a work flow that I knew I really couldn't manage.

At my former job there was a posting to work at one of the locations in the Hamptons (an hour ride from where I lived). They offered to pay for travel and to raise the rate up to $18 (I made 15 and had never had a raise in nearly 2 years). This sounded like a great opportunity. The pros were

A break from my toxic store

More money

Change of pace

More freedom at my new store vs my old one

The cons however clearly outweighed them

1hr drive in traffic

Rude tourists and rich people

Still maintaining my 3-4 am job and barely sleeping before going in @12 (leaving at 11)

Working 8-9 hrs an hour away meaning getting home at 10-11 and sleeping 4 hrs before getting up and getting to my job at 3

Doing the hour drive every day, back and forth because my other job was right around the corner from my place

Not seeing my nana enough and feeling neglectful

After starting I learned that the "travel pay" was deducted from the check, and with the increase of income meant more taxes. In the end I think I made less/the same amount of money.

After the summer was over, and being practically begged by my new friends I've bonded with over the past 3/4 months to stay, I went back to my old store that was just as bad, if not worse then when I left. Another new manager and new hires that did not give a fuck (honestly, I get it) that had replaced all but one person from the old crew. When I returned, aside from getting shit from coworkers who looked down on me for leaving them, I was also alone for 6 out of my 8 hours I worked every night, closing alone. This included:

cleaning the entire department: foors, ovens, fryers(multiple times during a shift if the deli manager complained about the smell), all the dishes from the day (including morning crews mess), tables, the rotisserie chicken warmers(3) in the store, dusting the shelves in our department, and whatever else they needed

Doing 5+batches of rotisserie chickens in a small oven because our rotisserie oven was deemed unsafe by our Union and the store wouldn't call maintenance

Making fried chicken and getting a talking to every time it was empty even though it takes 15 minutes to cook and I could only make 4 packages at a time because one of our dryers was also broken

Spitting all of these chickens plus 3 bins for the morning(45 minute job) to use even though I can count on one hand the amount of times that I've walked in to work with full containers

Doing the prep work our full timer didn't get to that morning (even though when I didn't finish everything she was the first one to bring it to a managers attention)

Cooking the afternoon/night hot bar food, which pre-Covid was a 2-3 person job

On top of the stress of doing all of this alone, I was also ALONE, left to my own negative self talk and self deprecating inner monologue. It didn't help that I only got shit from every single one if my superiors

A rude older coworker who I always hear the shit she says about me from other people

A manager who to this day I still believe didn't like me because I'm black

A new manager who was the most disappointed that I left the week before he transferred to run our shit hole of a department

And multiple upper management who didn't understand how I couldn't handle the jobs of 3 people by myself

After two weeks of being back and already losing my second job, I quit. I was jobless for the first time in over two years. I was 23, an adult, and had nothing to show for it.

I live with my nana because my mother spent the first 20 years of my life being emotionally neglectful and abusive. After moving out 3/4 years prior, she's had a lot of shitty circumstances and even tho our relationship has gotten better, I've carried around guilt of leaving her a year or two after my dad left.

Late 2020 was awful in terms of my body image, sexuality, romantic/sexual relationships. I swore off the possibility of a love life; coupled with the burn out of early 2021 I started to enter my ✨nothing matters✨ phase.

Why was I killing myself working? What future was investing in?

The only positive I could cling onto is that I had saved enough to take a break from the work force. I decided to use my time to look and see what the community college was offering. Seeing as there were plenty of courses that had late registration, I enrolled and started a pharmacy technician program. I was going back to school.

As difficult as it's been to return to a school environment after 6 years of mental burnout from work and adjusting to online schooling, it's the best decision I've ever made. The program only takes a year and sets you up with a job after you complete the course and qualify for the cert exam.

Through the school I'm actually able to get mental health counseling for the first time in my life. I believe in therapy and medicine, but I never believed it would work for me. Somehow my suffering was so unique, I was beyond help. Obviously I'm not "cured", my depression didn't disappear overnight, but just talking to someone once a week who I know is there to help and not judge has made a huge difference.

I also was able to qualify for health insurance, and I have a whole bunch of doctor appointments set up after the new year.

In conclusion (gd this is so long), in the year where day-to-day I felt the least in control and on the right path, looking back now I realize even though its not easy, and there's a lot of work I'm not used to anymore, I am on the right path.

As someone who is incapable of setting long term goals on my own, school gives me a feasible, time constrained goal to work towards, and just a week ago I took a midterm and got the highest grade in my class.

As someone who has felt needy and stupid and wrong my entire life, I can now see a professional and have learned that I, as a person am okay, and everything I've deemed a weakness is just a response to the trauma I didn't believe I had. My anxieties and so many things I'm insecure about are coping mechanisms my childhood self needed in order to survive on my own mentally and emotionally while I was physically being depended upon by my parents to act as a third parent my whole life.

I had a breakthrough the other day regarding my pessimistic, existentialist attitude towards life and also my relationship with myself.

My self hate is rooted in the envy of what I believe I should be and my high expectations that I hold not only myself to but others as well. I'm far more judgemental of others than I previously thought. As someone who prides themselves on being kind and people pleasing and just being a non confrontational person by nature, this all trickles down and concentrates in how I feel about and regard myself.

The person that I hate isn't me, it's the version of myself I've always aspired to. Yet the person who deals with this hate is my inner child. I'm currently very detached from my physical state rn, seeing as I don't know much about her, but I know my inner child.

I know 4 year old me that had to adjust to no longer being the only child.

I know the 8 year old me who blocked out the fact that my dad repeatedly left my mother to raise me and my siblings on her own, on and off for most my entire childhood.

I know 11 year old me who was depressed, going through puberty and was constantly othered in middle school. The 11 year old who just wanted to feel pretty and wanted and had unmonitored internet access and talked to any adult man who wanted to talk to, and SEE, me.

I know 12 year old me who only felt release and control when seeing blood stain my sleeves with holes in the thumb. And later, the 12 year old who was caught and promised that she would start to be listened to and cared about more.

The 13 year old got used to promises not being kept.

15 year old me had to adjust to new people in a new state. She was warned since she started school that we would always move, but after 11 years of knowing everything she experienced was temporary, she had no idea how to "settle in".

16 year old me had a father leave home for the final time. And after mourning the lost of a parent, had to unlearn everything she knew about her favorite parent. While he was there emotionally, when he was there, he was probably the #1 factor in my mom hating her life and not being able to express her love for us properly. I thought for years that she fucking hated me, only to realize she didn't know how and couldn't afford to get help. And the 1st man I ever cared about turned out to be a cheating deadbeat who had no issue leaving the woman he used to love and 4 kids he still convinces himself that he does love to go see family who never really fucked with us like that. He got to have a girlfriend or two and travel while my mom looked for love in anyone who would offer, in return for a place to stay.

17 year old me graduated and became the only parental figure to a 2 year old step brother that her mother and abuser then-husband were too busy to give a shit about. Then I was finally able to get a job, through a very gracious gift from my nana that I couldn't even truly enjoy because mother used to resent me for my relationship with my nana.

I never got to experience a stable childhood, and because of the failings of adults before me I'm fighting an uphill battle. But for all these iterations of me, adult me has to step up. I can't be another adult who let's them down.

I think I've never felt ready, and possibly will never feel ready, for kids is because I've got plenty to handle already.

Not so much a resolution, but some semblance of motivation for 2022 and onwards:

Whether it's work/school related, fitness related, mental health related, etc. I'm not just doing it for me. I'm doing it for the child who had to do everything herself and then some.

Sorry about the long post, if you made it this far thank you, I love you. Have a happy new year 💓

#long post #trauma dump #2021 recap #new years resolutions #inner child work #burnout #depression #anxiety #therapy #college #life update

[aliwritesfic]

The Night Shift part 10 (F!Reader x Frankie Morales)

Summary: back to work :( frankie and the boys are sweeties tho

W/C: 1.3k

Warnings: none I think but its late and i'm probably wrong so pls let me know if i need to add some

AN: this is just a quick lil filler chapter before a biiiiig one on either friday or monday, depending on when I finish it, but I wanted to get this one out because part 11 might be late because im very in my Feels about it (and i think you will be too)

Spotify

Part 1 Part 11

Frankie noticed every time your head snapped up, shadowy eyes darting towards the diner door. He noticed how your shoulders would lose some of their tension in relief whenever it was just a group of kids, or an elderly couple, or one of the people he’d come to realise were regulars to the diner.

You wore long sleeves tonight, telling him before leaving that it was to cover the ‘ugly ass’ bruise on your wrist. The less questions the better, you said with a smile that hadn’t reached your eyes.

Frankie carefully organised a stack of choc-chip pancakes on a gleaming white plate and set them on the window. You shot him a confused look – there weren’t any orders.

“You look hungry,” he told. Your face softened as you took the plate and grabbed a set of cutlery. It was nearing 1, and you were always hungry at 1.

“Do you know of any decent not-a-total-rip-off moving companies?” you asked after swallowing a mouthful. Frankie nodded.

“Yeah, me and the boys.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “No. You’ve already done so much I can’t ask you or any of your friends to give up one of their days just to get my shit back.”

“Well, yes you actually can,” Frankie countered, “and if the boys know something is important to me then they’ll help.”

“This is important to you?” Frankie fixed you with a stare and a raise of a brow. The look was one of pure are you serious right now? You threw up your hands and shrugged. “Okay, okay, I get your point. I’ll pay you guys, obviously.”

“Just a case of beer,” Frankie said. Tom might want money, but then against it was unlikely Tom would show up: he was leaving on Thursday. “Listen, just tell me the day you wanna do this and we will be there. I promise you that.”

You finished the pancakes and handed the plate back. “I was gonna let Lou know I wouldn’t be available on Friday night and get it done then.”

“Perfect, three-day weekend,” Frankie grinned. You smiled back, the first true smile he’d seen all night, and turned to greet a trucker who had just arrived.

Frankie grabbed his phone out of his pocket and opened the group text chat.

Catfish: Who’s free Friday for a favour?

Given the time, he wasn’t expecting an answer from any of them, so he was shocked when Benny texted back straight away.

Benny: Whatever it is, William and I are in. Even murder.

Catfish: It’s (probably) not going to come to murder. Just need help moving the girl I work with into her new place.

Pope: oh the 1 youre in love with? yeah ill help and ill bring that photo too

Frankie narrowed his eyes at the screen. He wouldn’t go so far as to say in love, so he decided to ignore that.

Catfish: It’s too expensive to hire moving ppl, so I said I’d help her, plus her ex is a cunt and I don’t know if he’ll try shit if it’s just her there

Pope: is she still there?

Catfish: No she’s staying at mine until she gets her stuff into her new place

Ironhead: Is this the guy you KO’d?

Catfish: Ok 1 why are you all awake? And 2 where did you hear that??? I didn’t KO him btw, but I could have if I felt like it.

Ironhead: I didn’t put my phone on silent

Ironhead: And I heard it from Benjamin. You know he loves gossip.

Benny: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Catfish: ????????? how did you do that?

Benny: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Frankie rolled his eyes and put his phone back in his pocket. They were impossible to talk to at this time of night, and he could already see that the conversation would just go in circles. He would find out how Benny made that weird little face though.

“Hey,” Frankie waved to get your attention, “the boys said they’d be happy to help, and they’ve all got pick-ups so no need to hire a moving truck.”

You looked confused, your eyes darting to the clock. “You spoke to them already?”

“Yeah, they’re light sleepers,” Frankie said. “Old army thing, I guess.”

You cleared your throat and blinked rapidly, “well, uh, let them know I’ll buy them all dinner as well as a case of beer each and money for gas. Whatever they need.” Frankie knew the boys wouldn’t accept your money, but he also knew you wouldn’t take no for an answer. This was something you could sort out Friday, he decided. If he was being honest, he was interested to see how would win that battle of wills. His money was on you. His money would always be on you.

~*~

“Can we go to the store quickly?” You asked, climbing into the truck next to Frankie once your shift was over. You were beginning to think of it as Your Spot now. Your spot, next to him, so close that if you wanted to you could reach out and hold his hand, lean over and kiss him.

“Yeah, what’d you need?” Frankie pulled out of the tiny diner parking lot and onto the road. Your cheeks heated slightly.

“A rotisserie chicken,” you mumbled, staring at one particular spot on the dash. “Sometimes when I’m . . . going through emotional turmoil I just need to eat. And I want a rotisserie chicken more than anything else right now.”

Frankie grinned his white toothed smile and you felt a little better about your habit. “That sounds like a fantastic idea, we should get two, one each.”

You smiled back, buoyed by the idea. The one and only time you had brought this up to Kurt, he had shot the idea down, grabbed your sides and commented on your weight. You knew there was nothing wrong with your weight, that there wasn’t no matter what size you were, but the comment hurt nonetheless.

But now you sat here in Frankie’s truck, and he seemed delighted with the idea of eating a whole rotisserie chicken in one sitting at 8AM. He drove to the grocery store, singing along to Stevie Nick’s Edge of Seventeen.

“I’ll go in, you wait here,” Frankie flashed you with a grin and raced into the store. You sat back, relaxed, and closed your eyes. You had been happier in the past twenty-four hours with Frankie than you had been almost the entirety of Kurt. You found yourself imagining a life with him; dinner at his cosy table, a new record playing every night, talking about your day at whatever jobs you had. Life with him would be comfort, it would be home. Your heart quickened at the thought of laying beside him each night in bed, bodies pressed against each other, skin against skin, delicious warmth -

His return snapped you out of your thoughts, the sight of him sent a rush of heat through you. He held a plastic bag in one hand, and keys in the other. “Should we eat these here or at home?”

Home.

The word sent a shiver of hope up your spine. Like he was saying it could be your home too. You moved an inch closer to him, so your thighs barely touched. It was electric though, the kind of touch that felt dangerous and familiar at the same time.

Your eyes met his and you wondered if he was feeling the same thing.

Taglist: @hnt-escape @sharkbait77 @1800-fight-me @annathewitch @darnitdraco @frankiecatfish @punkerthanpascal @nakhudanyx @gracie7209 @quica-quica-quica @pintsizemama @phoenix-of-loki

#the night shift #triple frontier #frankie catfish morales #frankie x reader #frankie morales x reader

[wastelandcth]

costco kisses - cth

summary: calum takes his family to costco. part two of conversations and costco 

anon requested:  I think we deserve part2 in Costco with dovey(specifically pregnant dovey.) imagine little Charlie explaining to her about all the things papa told him the first time as if she doesn't know what hot cheetos are🥺 and how to not ride the chickens ride🥺 and Charlie standing in front of a cheeseball box that's about his size!🥺 and she's crying because she can't decide about the roomba! and she's hormonal!🥺 and then more crying because they buy a bulk of diapers for baby🥺hormones! tiny human!🥺

author’s notes: i hope you guys enjoy the doves and a very pregnant and hormonal dovey! 

warnings: mentions of pregnancy

masterlist || request || more doves

The chilly February morning made Calum move throughout the house a little slower, the steaming cup of tea in his hands bringing him warmth. He'd been up for an hour now, trying to convince himself to get ready for the day ahead when all he really wanted to do was stay in bed with his lovely wife. But when Dovey, who was almost seven months pregnant and whose belly kept her up almost all night tossing and turning, had woken up with the sun Calum had no choice but to get out of bed too. By the time Calum had made it out of bed and into the kitchen, Dovey had looked up to show him what she had been working on. The  decorations for the nursery were cut out of pink and purple glitter cardstock, little fairies with wings that sparkled whenever the sunlight hit them. Ever since Dovey had found out they'd be having a girl, she claimed that handmade decorations would mean more to their little girl who was due in a few weeks time. 

"I need to go to Costco today," Calum said as he took a seat next to his wife, glancing over at the baby monitor that showed Charlie was still very much asleep. "Did you want me to take Charlie and give you some time alone?" 

The idea of Dovey being home alone this far into her pregnancy left Calum anxious. Last time, when Charlie was still in the womb and Calum had thought that labor and delivery would be no big deal, he'd ended up leaving a meeting without saying goodbye to anyone and rushing to Dovey at home so he could drive them to the hospital. But Calum also knew that the farther along Dovey got in the pregnancy, the more tired she was. She'd go run errands at the grocery store and then lay down for hours afterwards, with swollen feet and tired eyes to try and entertain Charlie. 

"It's fine, I can go with you, I want to pick up some things too." Dovey mumbled, struggling to get up from the couch, "I want to check out their baby stuff too, see if we can find one of those baby food blenders." 

Charlie, who had loved Costco more than any other place on Earth, had been excited to finally show his mom all the cool things he had found every time he and his papa would go on trips to Costco. He was excited to show his mama the giant bag of Hot Cheetos, secretly hoping she'd get them because she always wanted spicy food now that the little bean was on the way. He couldn't wait to show her the spinning chickens and tell her all about how he tried to convince his papa to let him ride it. 

"Oh! Mama don't go that way, that's where the robot is!" Charlie called out from the shopping cart, trying to grab Dovey's bag as she strayed off from him and Calum down the appliance aisle. 

"What robot?" Dovey asked and chuckled, looking at the toddler with confusion, "They don't have robots at Costco, do they?" she mumbled, the sudden realization making her look at Calum with wide eyes. 

"No, no robots," Calum laughed, rolling his eyes as he followed Dovey, pushing the cart that Charlie was sitting in looking at his parents, "He just saw the Roomba and I told him that robots freak you out." 

"Oh, yeah. Roombas are freaky." Dovey mumbled, pressing a soft kiss onto Charlie's curls, "But I think it would help us now with the new baby coming soon, huh stinky?"

Dovey had been to Costco a million times, her dad would always take her to the warehouses whenever he picked her up from school and they'd share a hot dog in the parking lot and talk about Dovey's day at school or the latest band she'd been obsessed with. But pretending that she'd never been in the store just to see how excited Charlie got when he was explaining how the rotisserie chicken worked was worth it. As they walked through the aisles of bulk goods, Charlie would explain what something was, telling her how Calum had showed it to him on their latest trip, and Dovey couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks as she saw her son standing next to a giant box of cheeseballs. 

"Buddy! That box is bigger than you! I don't think we could ever eat that many cheeseballs even if we tried our hardest." Dovey managed to get out through her tears, the pregnancy hormones once again making her seem like a crazy person. 

"But mama," Charlie had whined quietly, the same pouty face Calum would use whenever he wanted something from her, "You love cheeseballs!"

If Dovey wasn't heavily pregnant and in love with her child, she probably would've stood her ground and told Charlie they didn't need a bulk pack of cheeseballs big enough to feed an entire classroom, but when Calum walked up with a box of newborn size diapers she had no choice. The tears that had dried a few minutes ago flowed once again as she realized how tiny the diapers would be and how tiny Charlie still was. 

"Oh my god," she sniffed out, using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears, "Just get the cheeseballs and let’s go before I keep crying!" 

Maybe it was the fact that Charlie was preoccupied in his car seat, snacking away on a churro, or the fact that Calum looked very strong while putting the boxes of bulk goods they'd bought but Dovey really wanted to make out with her husband. What Dovey wanted, she usually got, so it was no surprise that Calum had his arms on her waist and his lips on hers the second she had uttered out her request. 

"Kiss?"

Calum liked his trips to Costco with Charlie but he had to admit, trips with Dovey and Charlie were a lot of fun. He got to see his wife and son both freak out over a Roomba and then try and convince Calum that they needed said "evil robot." He also liked the fact that Dovey had wanted to make out with him in the Costco parking lot because if there was anything Calum loved more than his family, it was making out with his wife. And those Costco kisses were magical. 

taglist:  @hoodhoran​ @finelliine​ @moonlightcriess​ @dinosaursandsocks @mxgyver​ @calpops​ @karajaynetoday​ @notlukehemmo​ @calumrose​ @devilatmydoor​ @lyss-xo​ @lowkeyflop​ @hemmo1996-5sosvevo​

#calum hood blurbs #calum hood imagines #calum hood fics #calum hood x reader #5sos blurbs #5sos imagines #5sos fics #5sos x reader #gemma writes #into the doveyverse #calum hood #5 seconds of summer #5sos

[bedboat]

I can't actually eat it myself, because fodmaps, but apparently I achieved something magical with my Comfort Combo Mac & Cheese-- a recipe I definitely made up on the fly, half panicked because the proportions kept having to be re-mathed, but somehow it turned out perfectly in basically every way it was meant to, blessing of all blessings.

honestly, if you are less than 4 - 6 people you can probably halve this recipe, it's a lot of food. make substitutions! get messy! enjoy

1 box pasta, 500g (400 or 450 will be plenty) (we used the twisty kind with the ridges-- cavatappi-- but you can use classic macaroni or whatever)

-- first step is to boil this, drain, rinse w cold water to stop cooking, and set aside.

1/2 cup butter, and

2 cloves garlic & 1 large shallot (or 1/2 sweet onion)

-- second step is to melt the butter on medium-low heat (use whatever giant pot you'll be using for the whole mess, and when in doubt stick to lower heat until whichever thing reaches its desired state), and cook the onion/shallot in it until translucent & then add the garlic for another 1 minute.

6 TBSP flour -- add this slowly, mix thoroughly and evenly, to ensure no clumps. if it's getting too thick too fast, add a little milk in to help it out.

4 cup whole milk -- I figure other milk would work pretty much the same, this is just what we had. add the milk in slooooowly, while stirring. again, this is about making sure there are no clumps of gunky flour.

I don't think I actually measured the cheese tbh.

LOTS of cheese (grated, not pressed down or anything, for the sake of measuring. also important not to get pre-packaged shredded cheese because it has weird starches and messes up the sauce) for the main sauce, probably about

1cup havarti,

2cup mozzarella,

2cup cheddar.

ad the cheese slowly/incrementally to the sauce, again while stirring, if it all goes in in one clump it'll be really hard to melt and stir.

(set aside another 1/2 cup of mixed or favourite cheese for the top, after its all in the pan.) you can use whatever cheeses you like, doesnt have to be these that I listed-- though it does seem like the havarti had something to do with the magic of the texture.

Congratulations, you made it to noodle time!

now you can add the noodles you drained earlier into the vat of cheesey sauce. throw in some spices if you like, this is where I added pepper/paprika/salt (other ideas, not necessarily together: chili powder, mushrooms, oregano and sage... the list is pretty endless. I personally find bacon to be too strong a taste but I know many others love it dearly, so throw that in there)

I added about 2 cups of shredded chicken (I just got it from the safeway deli tbh, it's from a rotisserie chicken), some paprika & salt/pepper to taste. a little extra garlic salt.

once it's all stirred up and you're happy with the taste, dump it all into a big baking pan, sprinkle remaining cheese and/or cracker crumble over the top, and the bake time is 350 for 20min (or until the top looks tasty, basically).

for the cracker crumble top, I smashed up some ritz crackers in a ziploc bag and then mixed them with some melted butter (makes it good when it bakes) before spreading it out.

this can feed a few people for a number of days (should reheat well), or it will feed several people at once! it makes a giant pan of pasta.

maybe y'all out there can enjoy

#recipe #food cw #mac and cheese #comfort food #cooking #homemade

[thestudentfarmer]

This weeks post is something a bit thrifty, reducing of waste and getting the most out of what ones got and given~

Just as a heads up, if you don't like seeing raw meat please don't read further. You've been warned! There will be pictures of raw meat! As well as handling and use of animal products.

Homemade Chicken stock!

We usually get a large pack of chicken thighs, usually about i wanna day 10lbs?

Anyways~ the chicken comes as a thigh, bit of spine and a drumstick.

I like to cut it into smaller peices, one thigh can usually make 4 peices

The drumstick

The bit of spine area and the in-between cut into two peices

The drumsticks and the thigh areas are either baked, friend or grilled throughout the week for us to eat. Those are the easy parts to figure out .

The spine area/peice and extra fat not so much.

This is usually the parts I used to have a hard time using, but not anymore~

I save them up to put in a pot of water (you can use as much or as little water as you want)

I use a regular smallish stock pot, like for making spaghetti. You could use a crock pot and overnight it if you want. I just had time to stovetop it tho.

You can add veggie ends and bits too (celery ends, carrot tops, onion skins, etc etc) I used half an onion and celery seed plus a bit of crushed garlic to add extra flavoring.

I cooked on med-low for a long slow boil and this is what it looks like before straining.

Getting ready to strain

The result of the strained broth

Also those bit used for broth making have a bit of meat, I let it cool from the strained stuff and picked off the usable parts. This'll go into soup or be used for chicken salad.

Its very rich and fatty, if you wanted it more lean its best to let your broth cool and then let it sit in the fridge overnight, the fat can be taken off in a puck at that point and whatever you want to do with it go for it (you could likely use it as an oil for frying potatoes or making a savory pie crust im sure!) I tend to use it as is for soup making or rice cooking.

It tends to be simple, but it makes awesome bases for soups, rice, gravies or anyplace you'd use chicken stock and it helps keep a bit of waste out of the trash system and makes use of every part of the chicken :)

As a bonus you can do similar with just plain chicken bones from rotisserie chickens, I like to pick the carcass as clean as possible then use the 'leftovers' in similar fashion as above.

🐔 🍗 Happy Homesteading Everyone! 🍗 🐔

#homesteading #self sufficiency #self sufficient living #studentfarmer #thestudentfarmer #food #farming #low waste #chickens #broth #food recipes #thrifty #thrifting #use it wisely #use it all #homemade #homemeals #kitchen #rich #delicious #base

[aforrestofstuff]

What's the heroes' morning routine to start their day before going to work? Or their night routine before they're going to sleep? (And here is sprinkle of positivity vibes for you today: 😊😉👌💕💞💗💓💝💝💖💖🌟✨🍀🍀🍀🍀💐💐 Have a nice day! ❤)

Thanks for the request, anon! ❤️❤️ sorry this took me so long to get to, hope you’re still around!

Tornado of Terror: I’ve said in a previous hc that she sleep-levitates and wakes up in the weirdest places. So, she’d probably spend 10 straight minutes prying herself out of her bathtub or some shit with hella cramps. After that, she’d spam Fubuki over text message, asking her how to make a cup of coffee for the 57th time, then manage to burn it anyway, and finally go to work salty as fuck.

Silverfang: Wakes up at the crack of dawn, mediates next to a waterfall or some shit, broods over Garou, and makes himself a nice breakfast with a cup of tea. After that, he drags Charanko’s ass up the mountain to do some training, meditate some more, drink more tea, and around then it’s gonna be like 9 AM, so he’d probably just go the fuck back to sleep for a quick nap before actually going to work. Look, he’s old. Let him vibe.

Atomic Samurai: Also wakes the fuck up at the crack of dawn and proceeds to freeload a breakfast off of Iaian, wash it down with some alcohol at 6 in the AM, and complain about the weather. Then, he’d probably run over some sorta training routine with his disciples before doing group meditation and finally, finish it off with another drink. His tolerance is so damn high at this point. He shows up to work while pretending he wasn’t ten seconds away from getting wasted that morning.

Child Emperor: Wakes up rather early (if he even slept at all), runs diagnostics on all of his machinery, does tests on his latest weapons, takes 7 decontamination showers, and then makes himself a hearty breakfast consisting of Froot Loops and choccy milk. He shows up to work early and energized, running solely on his 87th lollipop and the single shot of espresso he had that morning. If it’s a weekday, he’d wait off on going to Association headquarters and teach a few classes at the local university instead. He’d then go to work in the middle of the day, grading papers and dying internally at the dumb shit his students say. He keeps a mental tally of how many people forget to write their names on their assignments. He’s suffering.

Metal Knight: Upon slapping the shit out of his alarm clock, he rolls out of bed and commands one of his bitchbots to make a Michelin-Star quality breakfast for him, then proceeds to stalk to the bathroom. He doesn’t shave or shower. He just takes a 45-minute shit because he’s forced himself to go to the bathroom once a day to “save time” when it, in fact, does not save time. After that, he takes a decontamination shower before entering his lab (also another 45 minutes because he’d spend the whole time je— nevermind) and doesn’t show up to work at all because he’s a little bitchboy hellbent on building Skynet in his mom’s basement.

King: Wakes up, cries, plays video games, cries some more, eats some cereal, takes a shower, cries, calls Saitama over, plays video games, Saitama leaves, cries. Then, he’ll show up to work for a single meeting at 4 PM just so everyone knows he isn’t dead, have an anxiety attack, go home, and then cry (while having another anxiety attack). After that, he’ll play video games until 3 AM. Rinse and repeat.

Zombieman: He’ll wake up at 3 AM and then sarcastically open his blinds like “oh wow, what a beautiful morning”. He’ll make himself a hearty breakfast consisting of leftovers, some protein pills, and half a pack of cigarettes. Next, he’ll shower, shave, and do some routine vigilante detective work out in the town before coming back home just as the sun is beginning to rise. After that, he’ll take a thirty second nap and walk his ass to work (because his car has been in the shop for like, seven years) so he can vibe for 3 hours before throwing in the towel and isolating himself for the remainder 18 hours of the day because depression.

Drive Knight: he sleeps plugged into the wall like a Samsung. Either that, or he’s solar-powered.... or maybe he runs on AAAs. I don’t know, but his ass ain’t waking up like everyone else. He’d power on, do some routine checkups on his laboratory or whatever the fuck he’s got going on, and then show up to work for 3 seconds only to dip the fuck back out and go poach some endangered monster species for his collection or some shit. Look, he’s a robot.

Pig God: wakes up at 10 AM like a king and eats a small breakfast consisting of three rotisserie chickens, a whole pot of rice, 57 eggs, and a cool glass of milk (because calcium is important, kids). He’d spend 4 hours on the internet before he gets hungry and decides to go outside, stopping to casually devour an entire species of demon-threat monsters in the middle of the street while simultaneously traumatizing every single child living in a 3-mile radius in the process of doing so. After that, he’d do some hero work for like 30 minutes (and somehow eat like, 200 living things in that timeframe), go back home, and then indulge himself in a 17-hour food coma. He’s earned it.

Superalloy Darkshine: Homie wakes up at 5 AM, works out for two hours, takes a shower, and eats a breakfast big enough to feed a small family of 19. After terrorizing every health expert in the country with his buckwild diet (ironic considering Pig God exists), he hits up his bro Tanktop Master for another 2-hour workout. He then proceeds to take 3 seconds getting dressed in his hero uniform because it’s literally just a thong, and goes to work for a full 8 hours because he’s a good boi who takes his job seriously and genuinely wants to make the world a better place. :)

Watchdog Man: wakes up, pisses on a fire hydrant, eats dog kibble, sits on his pedestal in city Q, and then gets dressed.

Flashy Flash: wakes up in a forest somewhere because he’s probably homeless. The local birds flock around him and sing a morning song. He feeds a baby deer like a Disney princess. Then, he bathes in a waterfall and spends two hours doing his hair. After that, he buys himself a fucking bagel and takes his ass to work smelling like the inside of a Cabella’s. He vibes at HQ for like, 30 minutes, before traveling 500 miles away on his 57th quest for revenge and ends up breaking a record for “most homicides committed by a hero” on the way there.

Genos: wakes up, makes breakfast for Saitama, takes a shower, and spends half an hour doing chores while Saitama bums around with a yolk stain on his pajamas. Then, he’d hit up the professor for any news about upgrades, and go on about his day handing out justice as he sees fit until Saitama suddenly gets the urge to go buy some cabbage. It’ll be another 2 hours of walking around the inside of a grocery store while holding 2 grams of food (because it’s all Saitama could afford, broke ass) before he actually goes to hero HQ for a single meeting (while Saitama tags along), and then slaughter 87 monsters on his way home.

Metal Bat: wakes up at 6 AM because it takes him 8 years to do his hair. He’d wake up Zenko about an hour later and tell her to get ready for school while he hauls ass downstairs to make breakfast (burnt toast and 8 Flinstone vitamins). They walk to Zenko’s school together. He takes ten minutes to shower her with love, and then he turns back around to walk to his own school only to show up like, 45-minutes late to his first class. He only attends hero meetings on weekends because A. Homework and B. He doesn’t give enough of a shit to juggle official hero business and school in the same day (unless it consists of a monster/criminal [or 12] in need of a beating).

Tanktop Master: same as Superalloy. He wakes up at dawn, works out, eats enough to feed a small army, and then calls his actual army over for a meeting. He and the gang discuss ways to better represent the Tanktop ideology over tea, while also sharing workout tips and just having a good time together in general. Around then it’ll probably be 8 or 9 AM, so he’d join Superalloy at Hero HQ and do hero work for the rest of the day alongside his homies. He’s living the life, honestly.

Puri-Puri Prisoner: he’s in prison so he’d wake up at 8 AM on the clock every day, eat his nasty-ass breakfast (although, I’ve said in a previous headcanon that he gets special meals prepared for him on account of being a literal superhero, but I digress), and then he works out in the courtyard for a good hour before going to work in the cafeteria for 3 bucks a day (or the yen equivalent). During visiting hours, he and his boyfriend are inseparable. They’d make some crafts together, gossip, and just hang out. If there’s a threat in the area, Puri will waste no time busting himself out and hugging that shit to death. A true icon.

Amai Mask: he either wakes up at 10 AM or 2 PM every day, there’s no in-between. He’d spend his morning doing every self-care routine under the sun: taking a warm bath, doing a face mask, eating a good breakfast (prepared by his own personal chef, of course), listening to an audio book, you name it. If he has a concert that night, he’d spend the entire day surrounded by people as he gets ready/rehearses/prepares. If not, he’ll just patrol the streets, handing out autographs and some slices of justice. He wouldn’t really show up to any meetings or do official hero business at HQ unless he’s in the mood to cuss out Sekingar and Sitch over some stupid shit or insert himself in S-Class business.

Iaian: wakes up earlier than any of the other disciples and Atomic Samurai because he’s like, responsible or whatever. He meditates, showers, does his own personal routine, and then kicks everyone out of bed for breakfast like an angry suburban mom. After that, he’d participate in everyone’s routine training, and then take his ass to work while showing up to every meeting at HQ (sometimes tagging along with Kami) because he’s a good boi and he has no problem engaging in business. :)

Okamaitachi: She sometimes wakes up with Iaian, but sleeps in most of the time because she needs her beauty rest, obviously. After breakfast and participating in everyone’s training routine, she’d do her hair/makeup and go do her own hero work the majority of the time. She’d sometimes tag along with Iaian, but she prefers to go on her own every so often. If she has some extra time before breakfast, she’ll also do a face mask or catch up on her favorite soap operas.

Bushidrill: this motherfucker sleeps like a log and Iaian wants to kill him for it. He wakes up like, 2 seconds before breakfast and hasn’t shaven in a month. Still, somehow, he manages to get ready in time for training without Kami trying to assault him for being a doofus.

Fubuki: She wakes up hella early and texts her herd of hooligans the daily plan before dealing with Tatsumaki’s shit over the phone. Then, she showers, does her hair, and takes fifteen minutes to get her makeup done right. It doesn’t take her long to plan out her outfit because she has like, 87 black dresses. After an actual hearty breakfast (unlike the rest of these clowns) that she makes herself, she meets up with the blizzard group to discuss business and engage in hero work together as a ✨team✨. She never gets asked to participate in official business by HQ because Tatsumaki strictly forbids it.

Saitama: he brushes his hair and sits on his ass all day.

Mumen Rider: wakes up at dawn, feeds the cats outside, eats a good-ass breakfast (despite being poor, because he’s actually really good at budgeting), and goes out for a nice, morning patrol. He’ll also call his mom and make sure she’s having a good time because that’s important. If it’s not a busy day, he’ll go to the gym and treat himself to some time at the park afterwards. If there’s monsters all about, he’ll spend the rest of the day in the hospital after getting his shit rocked for the 300th time that week. They’ve basically got a bed reserved for him at this point. He’s so pure but so, so selfless. And a little dumb. But mostly selfless.

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