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#I wish I got the Terror quote correct oh well
so-i-did-this-thing · 3 years
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I guess Twitter really needed a middle-aged trans man on the timeline today. Happy to oblige.
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harfanfare · 3 years
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How to win a heart of Floyd Leech?
a/n: Someone requested this; ask got deleted by accident! Hope you will like it, Anon!
Warning!
Once you start walking through the specific points of the guide, your life will be exposed to the presence of Floyd Leech. Interrupting the action at one of the stages may cause many problems; F. Leech categorizes stopping as "boring", which puts the user of this guide in great danger.
The only way out is to get to the very end. Or not to start at all.
You act at your own risk.
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1.   Be an easy new target.
To one’s surprise, it is much harder not to catch his attention.
You can easily become another entertaining target of Floyd, mostly by doing silly things or him just considering them as ones.
And to automatically get labelled as “silly”, you just need to fall into one of his traps—he prepares them for someone else, maybe for goldfish, maybe for another person given a sea-inspired nickname, expecting to enjoy watching how familiar face twitches with terror as he jumps into the scene and tightly embraces passing student.
But no. You were the one who showed up in the wrong place and time as Floyd jumped out from his hideout, scaring you half to death. With a strangled yelp, you sharply backed away. After gaining a slight flush on your cheeks, you recognised who you just bumped into and quietly gasped.
However, he was much more bewildered than you were.
He had never encountered somebody who wouldn’t just freeze under his touch. Jumping away, gasping, muttering half-hearted apologies and flushing? That’s new.
That’s also entertaining.
Even after your quickly disappearance from the scene, his gaze somehow inexplicably started returning to you.
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2.   Visit Mostro Lounge often.
“We’re looking for someone who would like to work part-time for Azul~” Floyd said, sliding poster across the table. He popped up in front of you unannounced, having your thoughts return to dark reality.
“Oh,” you replied quietly, packing your things faster. “Good luck with it.”
You got up from your seat, but the thought of letting you go just like that didn’t even cross Floyd’s mind.
“Ehh? Shrimpy, aren’t you going to try?” he asked, frowning. You winced a little at the nickname he called you, not sure how to feel about it. “You know, you won’t work there for free.”
Azul will grant your wish.
You fidgeted a little, questioning your response. You heard—who didn’t?—rumours that Octavinelle leader could fulfil any request for a certain price. Ones were working for it, others were paying, and lasts were trading their request with Azul’s one.
The thought of having anything just by working in some café made you consider the offer again—this time quickier.
“I will go,” you decided.
“Hooray!” Floyd smiled cheerfully, just as if he won some grand prize in the lottery. “But what could Shrimpy possibly wish for, to change your response so drastically~?” he wondered but didn’t get any answer in return.
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3.   Be honest.
“Shrimpy...”
You passed Floyd, without sparing him a look. Anyone who has known you for a while would notice that your movements were a bit stiff and creaky.
Once you heard Floyd’s voice, a wave of tiredness struck you as if you didn’t get any sleep last night after working your shift in Mostro Lounge.
There were so many people to serve, so many things to do... and yet, you couldn’t help with anything, still not knowing how everything works, messing up with orders and breaking some plates in process.
Floyd buzzing around you, asking you some random questions (“Shrimpy, have you done it before?”). You answered them quickly, but each of them bumped you out of rhythm, making you forget what you were doing. It also didn’t help that Floyd certainly liked you being disoriented, replying with a shrug and grin on his face at your thundering glances.
So now, after gaining a little trauma from working in Octavinelle’s café, all you could do is ignore Floyd’s presence, silently accusing him of your infamous fiasco.
“Hey, Shrimpy!” he called you again, catching you up. “Are you mad?”
“I am not mad,” you snapped and took an unstable breath. “Look, I just started working, and on my first day I made already so many mistakes—”
“Yeah,” he replied indifferently. “And what with that?”
“...I couldn’t even correctly serve drinks—”
“Oh, stop!” Floyd muffled your mouth with his hand, an annoying look on his face. “I know where it is going. And no, you can’t quit a job, after all my efforts to get you there. It will get boring again!”
“But—”
“Stop, stop, stop,” he corrected his hand on your mouth, now not letting even a sound get through his fingers. “Azul knows that you tried your best. And for these plates you broke, he already added them to your paycheck. You need to practice! Not to give up, Shrimpy!”
You looked up at him, quite stunned by these words. Perhaps he quoted someone from the book or heard someone talking like that...
But it was encouraging. In some way, considering that you couldn’t protest, having your mouth covered. But still, it was encouraging.
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4.   Take classes together.
You can have the power of controlling Floyd’s behaviour, making other students’ life easier. Or you two can be a walking disaster.
Turning alchemy lesson into putting random ingredients into a boiler and praying that the mysterious mixture won’t explode.
History classes started being a regular pinching ritual to keep yourself from falling asleep (you are being pinched more, even when you don’t feel sleepy).
In contrast, flying lessons are peaceful. Nor Jade, nor Floyd, nor Azul are fond of these classes. Floyd is much eager to stand both feet on the ground, watching you practice or having you sulking next to him about heights.
However, if you are a calm, shy, or tranquil person, exchanging little notes or drawings will be a little habit of yours. Handing them discreetly under the eye of sir Crewel is quite a challenge, but it also gives satisfaction once the note was given.
Floyd throws away most of your paper conversations, but the ones he really likes, he cherishes them by keeping them with him, stuffed in his pockets. He will be irritated if anyone would like to see what you two were writing about, even if the talk was about new strawberries delivery for the new recipe.
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5.   Being ticklish or not.
There are two possible scenarios, whether his new, lovely target is ticklish or not.
If is: prepare for being touched a lot. Observing how you quiver with surprise, when he lightly—he especially makes his touch less fierce, knowing very well that tickling isn’t violent—wraps his hands around your waist, making you hold your breath.
He would tickle you a lot, very often making you cry out of laugh and pain that follows sharp writhing and fidgeting, but never that much, to seriously upset you. That’s some luck in such unlucky situation.
If not: he will try to find other weak point. Or will try to make you ticklish—his hands are particularly cold and pressing them to your warm skin, might make you give him a reaction he would enjoy.
Albeit, if you also won’t return any expression even then, he will seriously search for some other weakness. Slightly biting an ear lobe, whispering next to your ear or anything that could make his smile appear, once he made you put him somewhere between “I despise you with each and every cell” and abstract mumbling with the heat on your checks.
Oh, he loves your reactions so much.
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6.   Learn all nicknames he gave other people (you will unlock an option to slightly dish other people).
“Oh Lord...” you muttered to yourself, as your gaze followed scribbled list of names that Jade just passed to you. He willingly connected all student’s names with pseudonyms Floyd gave other people and handed the roaster over to you once you helped him with some kitchen cleaning.
“There are so many, right?” Jade replied with a polite smile on his face. “I’m sure you already memorised some of them, being around Floyd that much.”
You nodded mindlessly as you tried to get names into your head. You mouthed them soundlessly one by one, motivated to learn them by the end of the week.
The chuckle that escaped Jade’s lips startled you, and you realised that he still was in the room. Or that you didn’t leave the Lounge even after your shift has already ended.
“My brother surely didn’t exaggerate anything about you,” he said, his tone a bit more buoyant than ever, although you couldn’t be sure as the thick air of mystery still echoed in his voice. “I wonder how it will finally end?”
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7.   Always share your takoyaki with him.
“What are you hiding, Shrimpy?”
You shuddered at a voice that you did not want to hear at this moment, not for all the world. Unless that the world included a chest filled with takoyaki, which you could give to certain somebody.
You felt that instead of a shashlik of tasty balls, you were holding a knife in your hands, a veritable proof of a crime you had committed. It weighed heavily in your grip, and Floyd's approaching footsteps did not make your situation any better.
It was a time to hide the evidence.
You pushed as much as you could into your mouth and swallowed a few balls without even gnawing them much. You almost choked on them.
“Me? I?” you asked innocently. You sincerely hoped that no sauce or a stray piece of cake was left on your face. “What could I possibly hide?”
"Hmm, hmm~," he drew closer, and you needed all your will gathered, to make yourself stay where you were. Even without looking in the mirror, you knew you were all pale on the face. “With my little eye, I spy something...”
His gaze went down, just to your hands, which you tried to hide behind your back.
Not giving him a clear look at your palms or wooden stick, you turned around on the heel and run with all your might. Your muscles felt somehow stiff as if they also didn’t see a chance to win this race.
Now Floyd was sure you are hiding something, and there is no chance he’ll let it go.
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8.   Watch him at his basketball practice.
81:30 for the blue team!
“Floyd once again started playing wild,” Ace breathed with clear regret in his voice. He glanced your way, frowning at you. “It’s your fault. Please come at practices when Floyd is in my team, not otherwise.”
You laughed awkwardly as he walked away.
A moment later, Floyd reached for a bottle with water and a towel you bravely guarded through the whole practice. He smiled wholeheartedly, happy with the win, water, and your presence.
“How did you like the game?” he asked once he changed from PE clothes and you two started heading towards Octavinelle.
“It was really fun!” you admitted, a speck of amusement appeared in Floyd’s eyes. “The red team didn’t have much time to capture a ball before you got hold of it again.”
“Hehe~ I’m glad you liked it,” he said. “I really like to play basketball, even more than ever, when I know that you are watching! That’s why,” he added, sincerity well-heard in his voice, “you need to come even more often!”
You nodded happily.
You just couldn’t mind it, all that accompanying him.
It was... fun.
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9.   Dance, dance, dance!
Heels tapped on the floor and the sound of these steps would probably have spread through the room, if not for the jazz music pounding through Mostro Lounge’s speakers.
Floyd pulled you closer, letting a playful smile on his lips stretch even more. You couldn’t help but smile back, before gasping as he spun you around your axis. You lost balance and would fall if not steady grip around your waist, as Floyd leaned on closer to you, making you bend on one leg more and entirely rely on his touch.
Last notes of melody faded, and you still were in that pose, facing each other. With each second, Floyd’s face was changing from some form of amazement to amusement, finally letting you properly stand.
“Ha... When did you learn to dance so smoothly?” you asked smiling in wonder.
“Hehe~ With legs you can dance a lot more than in the sea,” he answered. “On land, it’s super fun~”
You nodded at his words.
Floyd was a wonderful dancer.
But you can’t be sure if being a good dancing partner is the only thing that made you feel all warm and fuzzy because butterflies still didn’t leave your stomach.
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10.            “Let’s do something fun!”
“Here is your paycheck,” Azul handed you a white envelope, sealed with a stamp with the Octavinelle logo. “And you, [Name], was also working for some request, right?”
You nodded as you stared at the envelope.
Somehow, knowing how stupid the lingering thought in your mind was, you couldn’t bear to look up. If you would, your gaze would probably ignore all the elegant furniture of the room, even the owner of the room, Azul, just to settle on Floyd.
If you saw anything more than his shoes, that stupid thought would make their way outside, turning plans into action.
And Floyd unknowingly did everything to make them come true.
“Shrimpy,” he cupped your face with his hands, judging by his voice he seemed quite... worried? When he made you look in his olive and gold eyes, you started holding your breath. “Are you okay?”
With that question, your strong will to wish for something expensive or practical was broken.
You started fidgeting more, not knowing how to express your thoughts in words. “I think I have a request... a question for Floyd, rather than for you, Azul...”
Azul nodded at first uncertain and the room has fallen into silence once again until you spoke.
“Well, Floyd,” you turned to him, trying your best not to wander your gaze away from him, “Please, take your time with answering, but I want your response to be, uh, honest.”
You were tripping onto your own words, embarrassment soaring in your body as you started to think that you should’ve kept quiet. But Floyd was patient with your answer, as well as Jade and Azul who observed the situation as if they predicted it before.
“I mean- Okay, just answer the question.” You took an erratic breath. “Would you like to—”
“Sure!” Floyd interrupted you before even hearing the whole question. “I would like to do everything with you.”
You stood there, all confused. But, by Floyd’s expression you knew that he guessed what you wanted to say. Face heating up, you forgot about Azul and Jade, who hid a chuckle by turning his head to the side.
“How fun,” he said as Floyd wrapped his arms around you, as if shielding you from other people in the room.
“I won’t share Shrimpy with you, Jade. Not a chance.”
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haus-seeblick · 2 years
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Suptober Day 1! “Harvest”
My first ficlet for Suptober! Read under the cut :)
Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Rating: Mature 
Word Count: 2,218
Tags: Fluff, Disaster Bi Dean Winchester, Daydreaming about hot farmers, Some suggestive language (and swearing), Angelic wheat harvest assistance, The Dom Brow makes an appearance, Sam Ships It, Mini Case Fic  
On AO3 here.
“All right,” Dean announces as he stomps into the hospital room, trailing mud with every step. “You’re not gonna have a problem anymore, Randy.”
The man propped up on the hospital bed cushions glares at Dean from under bushy eyebrows. “Well, it’s about time,” he snaps. “First these-- these things terrorize my fields for weeks, then y’all show up and are so useless that they maim me after you’re already on the case, and now I’ve lost the prime window to harvest a year’s worth o’ growth ‘cause I’m laid up in this godforsaken facility. So don’t you tell me I ain’t gonna have a problem anymore.” 
Dean sinks down onto the rickety plastic chair next to the bed, moving gingerly to avoid jostling his (probably) dislocated shoulder, courtesy of some extremely vengeful spirits. He fixes Randy with an even gaze. 
“Man, I’m sorry about your leg. I am. The spirits had a wider range than we thought and we figured you’d be safe at the house.”
Randy snorts in obvious derision, his scruffy mustache fluttering comically. Dean presses on.
“But, we’ve put them to rest. Your great-grandparents aren’t gonna give you any more grief.”  Even if the rest of your family did totally fuck them over.
He stands again, awkwardly, and pats Randy’s good knee. “Sorry about your harvest, though. Can anyone help out? Neighbors? Friends?”
Randy glowers. “I ain’t takin’ no charity.”
Dean quirks his lips and nods. “Right. Take it easy, Randy.” He leaves the still-grumbling farmer behind, following his own trail of mud back down the hallway. A tall janitor lurking around the corner sends him a death glare and Dean tries for an appropriately apologetic smile. 
It’s been a real headache of a night. 
The pair of spirits haunting Randy Johnson’s wheat fields ended up being way more pissed off than Sam, Dean, and Cas had anticipated. By the time Cas located the heavy brass key to the farmhouse that was apparently tethering the property-line-obsessed spirits to the material plane, Dean and Sam were long out of rock salt. In their retreat, they’d ended up waist-deep in a pebbly creek, splashing and wobbling as they beat off the screeching spirits with crowbars. Dean has an unfortunately-placed boulder to thank for his dislocated shoulder -- he went down hard and clumsy just as Cas reappeared next to the stream, the old key melting dramatically in the bright glow of his palm. 
The spirits burned away in a shower of sparks, along with Dean’s dignity.
To top it all off, Dean drew the short straw to go tell Randy the case was closed, and he may have stomped off in a sulky huff before thinking of asking Cas or Sam to put his shoulder right. 
Oh, well. At least it’s dealt with. One more night in their more-stained-than-usual motel room, and first thing in the morning they’ll get the hell outta Dodge (almost literally - they’re up in Osborne County). 
Dean thinks of a bright July morning on the open road and sighs in relief.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He doesn’t get his wish.
“I just feel bad, Dean!” Sam protests as Dean gesticulates incredulously at him. (His shoulder was very pleasantly healed by Cas the night before, and if Dean noticed that Cas’ warm hands lingered a little longer on his skin than was technically necessary for a cursory dislocation repair, he didn’t mention it.)
“God, Sammy, yeah, it sucks about the guy’s leg, but maybe if he wasn’t such an asshole to everyone he knows, somebody’d help him out! It’s not-- it can’t be our problem.”
Sam crosses his arms stubbornly. “It’s not about Randy. His fields are part of a huge supply that feeds a ton of people. Do you want people to go hungry, Dean?”
Castiel chooses that moment to materialize directly next to Dean, his nose inches away from Dean’s cheek. He’s holding two steaming cups of coffee and Dean immediately grabs one. Cas squints and tilts his head. “Why does Dean want people to go hungry?”
“Oh my god.” Dean throws his free hand up. “Fine. Fucking fine. We’ll find someone who’s willing to plow the dude’s fields. That’ll be easy.”
Sam opens his big mouth, probably to say something about having faith in humanity, but Cas beats him to it. Still planted firmly in Dean’s bubble, he sends a puff of warm air against Dean’s face as he speaks.
“Oh. I can do it.”
Dean and Sam both look at him. Dean shuffles back a couple steps and wills his eyes away from the guy’s lips. He really spends too much time staring at them.
“Um--” Sam clears his throat. “You can harvest Randy’s wheat?”
“I can plow, yes.” Cas nods firmly. Dean’s first sip of coffee comes spraying back out. He pounds his chest and wheezes. 
“Like-- like-- with a combine?” 
Cas furrows his brow. “Is that a machine? No, I don’t require machinery. This is a very basic task.”
“Plowing,” Dean says weakly.
“Harvesting,” Cas corrects, tilting his chin down and narrowing his eyes. “Humans have been doing it for a very long time. I used to help, now and again. I can’t imagine the process has changed much.”
Sam slaps his thighs as he stands up from his bed. “Well! Look at that, Dean. Cas doesn’t want people to go hungry.” 
Dean flips him off, but it lacks the usual heat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An hour later, they find themselves on the edge of a vast, lazily undulating expanse of gold. They’d skirted the north edge of the field extensively while working the spirit case, since the activity was strongest there along the creek, but in his single-minded focus Dean hadn’t really paid much attention to the field itself.
It’s big. Like, squint-into-the-distance-and-you-can’t-see-the-end big. 
“You’re really gonna plow all that?” Dean asks, glancing at Cas. The morning sun is turning the tips of Cas’ hair a chestnut gold. 
“I will cut down the stalks, separate the grain from the chaff, and deposit the edible grain into a large truck, which apparently takes it where it needs to go,” Cas says matter-of-factly. “I visited Randy early this morning to make sure I knew which truck it was.”
Sam laughs. “Oh yeah? How’d good old Randy take that?”
“He seemed dubious,” Cas says. “And rude. I assured him that despite his unsavory attitude, he would come home to harvested fields.”
“Very angelic of you,” Sam remarks. 
“So how’s this gonna go?” Dean lifts a hand to block out the steadily-rising sun. “You gonna be flapping back and forth? Probably not smart to let the locals clock an angel doing the harvest.”
Cas arches an eyebrow at him, somehow gazing down at Dean despite being an inch shorter. “I don’t flap, Dean. I may have wings, but their movement in the ether is beyond your comprehension.” 
Dean rolls his eyes and turns his face away in a show of studying the field to the north, but mostly to conceal the flush of his cheeks in response to that eyebrow. 
For Christ's sake, keep it together, Winchester.
“I can’t explain to you how it will look,” Cas continues, oblivious. “You’ll just have to watch. Anything you see will be for your eyes only. I guarantee no locals will ‘clock me.’”
Dean looks back just in time to see the tail end of the finger quotes. Cas is staring right at him, that damn eyebrow still up, a subtle challenge, daring Dean to make a move.
Maybe not so oblivious. Asshole. 
Dean smiles sweetly and gestures at the wheat. “All right then. Have at it, buddy. Show us what you’ve got.”
With no further ado, Cas is gone. Dean’s left staring through the previously-Cas-occupied space at his brother, who’s grimacing with an air of great suffering. 
“What?” Dean demands. 
Sam sighs heavily and gazes out over the field. “You two are so weird.”
Dean’s about to respond with something really witty when Sam perks up and points into the distance. “Holy crap, look!”
Dean follows the path of Sam’s outstretched finger and his mouth drops open. On the horizon, at the far end of the field, there’s a cloud. No-- a mini tornado. A golden tornado. A… sparkly tornado?
“What the--” Dean cups his hands around his eyes like blinkers. Even with the glare of the sun blocked out, though, the tornado is just as bright -- a swirling, racing funnel criss-crossing the field way faster than a combine, or even Baby, could drive. 
“Why is it-- what’s the sparkly stuff?” 
Sam’s squinting too. “I think it’s the pieces of the stalks he’s separating? And they catch the light as they get tossed around.” 
The tornado’s already halfway across the field, approaching them steadily. It’s about as tall as an oak tree, and as it gets closer Dean sees that Sam was right: thousands of little stalks and bits of grain and -- what had Cas called it? -- chaff are whirling and flitting amid the twisting golden dust of the tornado. The effect is a bit dizzying, kind of like that ocular migraine Dean had one time as a teenager, when an aura of tiny flashing spots obscured his vision, right there in his eye yet impossible to focus on. 
He steps back instinctively, Sam mirroring his movement, when the tornado grows close to them. It whips past, blowing Dean’s jacket open, and where there was once chest-high golden grain, there’s now just dirt littered with aborted stalks. 
“Damn,” Dean whispers. He’s seen Cas do all kinds of badass things, of course, but they’ve been more of the smiting and heavy-lifting variety. This is a new level of cool. In a farmer-y way. This, of course, leads Dean’s traitorous brain directly to images of worn flannel stretched tight over biceps; of a blade of hay dangling jauntily from chapped lips; of long, strong fingers gripping a pitchfork--
“--Dean!” 
The pleasantly-evolving bubble bursts. Dean twitches as Sam elbows him in the ribs.
“Dude! Cas is done, come on.”
Dean blinks a few times to bring himself back to reality (a reality with wheat-harvesting angel tornados) and realizes that Sam’s heading north along the field to where a normal-sized, non-funnel-cloudy Cas is standing, brushing off his trenchcoat. Dean follows his brother and takes in the scene; the whole field really has been reduced to nothing -- just a flat, dappled expanse.
“Damn, Cas,” he says quietly as he reaches Cas’ side. His voice comes out strained and a little breathless. “That was some good plowing.”
“Thank you, Dean,” Can replies gravely. He tugs on his cuffs and some wheat dust puffs out. “It was an effective harvest. I disguised myself from mortal eyes -- including yours -- as I transported the grain to the truck, but I trust you saw the rest?”
Sam nods enthusiastically and launches straight into a barrage of questions about the physics and techniques and yadda yadda before Dean has to come up with a response. Yeah, I saw it. Yeah, it got me all tingly. That’s normal. He takes a few deliberate, slow breaths to calm the pounding in his chest.
Still tuning Sam out, he zeroes in on a single piece of wheat still stuck in Cas’ hair. It’s poking up toward the blue summer Kansas sky -- a tiny, trembling link between earth and heaven. Dean sidles up to Cas before he can overthink it. He slips his fingers into Cas’ wild, dark hair and plucks the wheat out. 
He throws it on the ground. It belongs to the earth. 
Sam falls silent with a choked-off laugh and Cas turns his trademark unblinking stare onto Dean. But this time there’s a slight crinkle to the edges of his eyes. A quirk of his lips. 
“Thank you, Dean,” Cas says again. He reaches out and -- Dean stops breathing -- brushes another piece of wheat out of Dean’s collar. His warm fingers graze Dean’s throat and all Dean can do is watch the little stalk flutter to the ground. 
Well. So much for a steady heartbeat. 
“Hey, I’ve got stuff in my hair, too,” Sam announces, voice thick with amusement. “Anyone gonna help me out?”
Dean tears his eyes away from the enlightening piece of wheat and points a finger at Sam, leveling him with his sternest shut the fuck up face. He prays his cheeks aren’t flaming. 
“If you need assistance, Sam--” Cas says, starting toward him.
“--He’s fine,” Dean interjects hastily. Maybe a little loudly. He coughs to cover it up. Smooth. “Let’s go. I wanna hit the road.”
Sam’s already jogging away before Dean’s done speaking. “I’ve still got the keys,” he calls over his shoulder. “I’ll warm up the car. You guys can catch up!”
Cas and Dean are left at the edge of the empty field. Dean rubs his neck and shuffles his feet, acutely aware of Cas’ piercing gaze. It’s nearly warmer than the morning sun. “Uh-- that was really cool, Cas. Thanks for letting us see it.”
“Of course, Dean,” Cas replies, measured and deep. “I enjoyed sharing that with you.”
Wow. All right. Dean needs to get moving or he’s going to explode. But not before filing that particular comment away for extensive mental perusal later, in the privacy of his bedroom. 
He flashes a grin and punches Cas’ shoulder. “Come on, farmer angel. Let’s go home.”
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circular-time · 6 years
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When did he start calling himself “The Doctor”?
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Who pros Phillip Culley and @willbrooks1989​ were pondering old classic Who scripts which alternate between identifying the speaker as “DOCTOR” or “DOCTOR WHO.” During the discussion, Phillip asked an intriguing question:
Thinking about it, when does he first call himself The Doctor, rather than a companion introducing him as such?
Tracking down references is my version of solving crossword puzzles, but this was a toughie. Summary of results:
At first he only identifies himself as a scientist, evading specifics. Either companions introduce him, or others see them calling him “Doctor” and follow suit. (It originated with Ian, btw.)
Eventually— and the first time he does so is to Cameca in The Aztecs— he’ll cautiously say, “they call me the Doctor.” But he still doesn’t do it very often, and only in response to queries.
Just as rarely, he’ll refer to himself jokingly in third person “your old friend the Doctor” or something of that sort to Barbara (Reign of Terror) or Victoria (Enemy of the World). He’s quoting their nickname for him when reminding them of their friendship. 
Starting with The Dalek Invasion of Earth, the First Doctor begins correcting strangers if they call him Doc, Mister, Professor, or anything else. He tells them “I prefer Doctor” or simply cuts them off with “Doctor.” 
Starting with The Celestial Toymaker, he’ll say “This is the Doctor” (third person!) under very specific circumstances: when he’s using a long-distance communication device to identify himself to someone who knows him. He’s letting them know this is the person you call the Doctor when they can’t see him. 
Starting with The Gunfighters, he’ll occasionally invent an alias (”Doctor Caligari, Doctor Wer, Doctor John Smith”) on the spur of the moment when a stranger demands a name. 
Right after regenerating, the Second Doctor refers to the Doctor as if he’s somebody else, the first instance of post-regeneration amnesia (it wears off quickly).
In The Seeds of Doom and Enemy of the World, he calls himself the Doctor (to Victoria: “you wouldn’t hit your old friend the Doctor, would you?”) in order to correct someone’s misidentification of him (see #4). 
From Season 9 onwards (The Mutants, Carnival of Monsters, Invasion of the Dinosaurs) he FINALLY starts introducing himself to random strangers, unprompted: “I’m the Doctor.” It’s a subtle distinction: “I AM X” rather than “I am known as X.”
Leading to the newly-regenerated Fourth Doctor telling Harry, “You may be a doctor, but I am the Doctor. The definite article, you might say.” It’s no longer simply a label, alias or handle, but an expression of his core identity. It’s become how he thinks of himself as a person: THE DOCTOR. 
He owes Chatterton a great deal of thanks for coming up with the nickname. ;) 
Okay. Under the cut are relevant excerpts tracing the gradual evolution from “What’s that boy Chesterfield calling me?” to “Helllo, I’m the Doctor!” 
Method: I fed Chrissie’s Doctor Who Transcripts into Scrivener so I could search them using RegEx (a way of specifying complex searches). I came up with this mess:
^DOCTOR[A-Za-z0-9:;.,’\?\! ]+[Dd]octor.+
Translated into plain English: “Look for any line that begins with DOCTOR, followed by some stuff, then the word "Doctor” (upper or lower case), and then keep going until you hit a line break.”
The results looked like this:
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And then I tabbed through them manually looking for clues.
Unearthly Child
IAN: Just open the doors, Doctor Foreman. DOCTOR: Eh? Doctor who? What's he talking about?
The first of many gratuitous “Doctor” “…who?” fourth wall jokes, which I won’t belabor.
BARBARA: Oh, look, I don't understand it any more than you do. The inside of the ship, suddenly finding ourselves here. Even some of the things Doctor Foreman says IAN: That's not his name. Who is he? Doctor who? Perhaps if we knew his name we might have a clue to all this.
It’s Ian who starts using “Doctor” to address him (“Doctor, will you lead?”) apparently because he doesn’t know what else to call him.
DOCTOR: One minute ago we were trying desperately to get away from these savages. IAN: All right, now we're helping them. You're a doctor, do something. DOCTOR: I'm not a doctor of medicine.
Right from the start, the Doctor starts having to correct the confusion his alias tends to create.
The Aztecs
CAMECA: You are a healer? DOCTOR: No, no, they call me the Doctor. I am a scientist, an engineer. I'm a builder of things.
Fittingly, Cameca is the first person to hear him call himself “Doctor,” even obliquely. But it doesn’t happen again for a long time.
Reign of Terror
BARBARA: Oh, Doctor, I thought we were never going to see you again. DOCTOR: You should know by now, young lady, that you can't get rid of the old Doctor as easily as that.
Right at the end of Season 1, he borrows the term from Barbara to refer to himself in third person. It’s an isolated case, however, and possibly a slip on the part of the writers.
The Dalek Invasion of Earth
TYLER: I'll say one thing, Doc. Life's never dull with you around. DOCTOR: Thank you, but don't call me Doc, I prefer Doctor. Do you mind?
He’s not saying that’s his name, but he’s got decided ideas about what NOT to call him. Right, Professor?
The Myth Makers
KATARINA: Yes, great god. DOCTOR: His name is Steven. And remember Katarina, you must call me Doctor. KATARINA: Oh, as you wish Doc. DOCTOR: I'm not a Doc. I am not a god.
NOT YOU TOO KATARINA. He’s settled on the alias by season 3. But he’s still not using it as an introduction, only as a correction. In fact, nearly all pre-Pertwee instances of the Doctor saying “Doctor” happen because he’s clarifying, correcting or heading off someone else’s misidentification of him. 
The Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve
DODO: Wait a minute, if this isn't a police box, what is it? And who are you? DOCTOR: Well, my dear, I'm a doctor of science, and this machine is for travelling through time and relative dimensions in space. Now you DODO: Come again?
He’s still not introducing himself as the Doctor, although he now prefers to be called Doctor rather than something else when people address him.
The Celestial Toymaker
(Watching the monitor alone, the Doctor finds a communication switch.) DOCTOR: Dodo? Steven? This is the Doctor.
Starting near the end of Season 3, the Doctor will occasionally say “this is the Doctor” to somebody who already knows him when communicating long distance, especially when there’s some risk of mistaken identity.
The Gunfighters
DOCTOR: Allow me, sir, to introduce Miss Dodo Dupont, wizard of the ivory keys, and er Steven Regret, tenor. And lastly sir, your humble servant Doctor Caligari. MASTERSON: Doctor Who? DOCTOR: Yes, quite right.
More fourth wall breakage with a side helping of John Smith. First alias, I think!
STEVEN: Doctor! DOCTOR: No, not Doctor at the moment, dear boy. I am Deputy-Sheriff of Tombstone.
Still treating it as one of his aliases rather than as his core identity.
The Savages
DOCTOR:  In the meantime, young man, I wonder if you'd mind trying to find my young people for me. Steven and Dodo. Tell them the Doctor sent you.
Once again using the term for long-distance communication to identify himself to friends I.e. “this is from that guy you call the Doctor.”
Power of the Daleks
DOCTOR: Ah! The Crusades, from Saladin. The Doctor was a great collector, wasn't he? POLLY: But you're the Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, I don't look like him.
[…]
BEN: Of course, the real Doctor was always going on about the Daleks. POLLY: Real Doctor? DOCTOR: Real Doctor?* Oh, you mean the real Doctor.
Right after regener— er, renewal, it takes a few minutes for the Doctor’s memory to clear. But then he’s a little scamp and won’t admit it once he remembers, baffling Ben (Polly is not fooled). To add to Ben’s confusion, the Doctor assumes the identity of a dead man in order to investigate his murder.
*The transcripts are incredibly meticulous, but sometimes (like any Doctor Who fan) they capitalise ‘Doctor’ when the line is really about some other doctor. So I think this punctuation should be: “Real doctor? Oh, you mean the real Doctor.” 
The Highlanders
DOCTOR: A gentleman at last. Doctor von Wer, at your service. SERGEANT: Doctor who? DOCTOR: (sotto) That's what I said.
Again with the fourth wall breakage, this time pretending he’s a German.
The Moonbase
DOCTOR: Won't you introduce us first? I am a Doctor. HOBSON: A Doctor? You're arrived just in time. We need your help.
Another place where I think the transcript’s capitalised out of habit, but he’s just saying “I am a doctor.” But I excerpt it in case you disagree and want to consider this the first bona-fide “I am [the] Doctor.”
The Faceless Ones
COMMANDANT [OC]: I said I wished to speak to the Doctor, otherwise the next will be Captain Blade. BLADE: Doctor, the microphone. DOCTOR: Are you quite all right, my dear. PINTO: Yes, I think so. DOCTOR: Good. Commandant, this is the Doctor speaking.
The Doctor might’ve said “Here I am,” but any ambiguity or doubt might’ve gotten Captain Blade killed, so he answers explicitly. Again, he does this over the radio, not face to face, since voices are harder to recognise.
Evil of the Daleks
OMEGA: Alpha. ALPHA: Beta. BETA: Omega. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes. Now, this is Jamie and I am Doctor. We are friends. OMEGA: Friends, friends. ALPHA: Jamie, Doctor.
He’s reprogramming Daleks, and finally comes right out and says it! Even so, he’s helping them with labels— “I am the person they call Doctor” — rather than using it to express who he is as a person, if that makes any sense?  Although Phillip Culley argues that this is from an early era of Who when the show’s creators were toying with the idea of Doctor as his first name and Who as his surname.
The Ice Warriors
VARGA [on monitor]: Identify yourself. DOCTOR: Me? I'm a scientist. I've come to talk with you.
He still identifies himself as a scientist, even though he answers to the alias “Doctor.”
Enemy of the World
DOCTOR: Oh, Victoria, don't hit me! You wouldn't hit your old friend the Doctor, would you? I wouldn't leave you in the tender mercy of Salamander.
He’ll say it to fend off Victoria when she’s about to thwack him! Third person, though.
The Invasion
DOCTOR: Right. We must stop them. Brigadier, Brigadier, this is the Doctor. Can you still hear me.
Once again, the Doctor identifies himself over radio to someone who already calls him “Doctor.”
The Seeds of Doom
ELDRED: You still haven't told me who you are and what you're doing here. DOCTOR: Well. ELDRED: That's the main-door alarm! What's going on? RADNOR: *enters* Professor Daniel Eldred. Well, well, well. ELDRED: Radnor. Come to see how your spies are getting on? RADNOR: I'm sorry? I don't think we've met. My name's Radnor. This is Miss Kelly. DOCTOR: Oh, how do you do. This is Zoe, and Jamie, and I'm the Doctor. ZOE: Hello. JAMIE: Hello. ELDRED: Oh, Radnor, don't pretend that you don't know them.
There. He finally just said it. Once again trying to correct a case of mistaken identity, and it was like pulling teeth (“Well…”) but there it is.  
The War Games
LÜCKE: For the last time, what is your name? DOCTOR: Why don't you just call me Doctor? LÜCKE: That is not a name. I want your full name. DOCTOR: Oh, very well. Doctor John Smith.
He still doesn’t go to “I am the Doctor” unless he absolutely must. (Is that the first instance of John Smith? *checks* No, Jamie originally came up with the name, reading it off the brand name of a gadget in Wheel in Space!)
Spearhead from Space
BRIGADIER: Not yet. I must arrange for a full set of papers first. By the way, I've just realised. I don't even know your name. DOCTOR: Smith. Doctor John Smith.
Inferno
DOCTOR: My name? You ask me my name after all the years that you and I… Well now, wait a minute. Yes, I think I'm beginning to see what's happened here. Might I suggest you just call me ‘Doctor’? BRIGADE LEADER: Doctor. Doctor what? DOCTOR: Smith. Doctor John Smith.
The alias has stuck. He uses it from time to time in a pinch.
Terror of the Autons
DOCTOR: Jo, wake up. Wake up, Jo. This is the Doctor. You're amongst friends.
Again, when people who know him can’t see him (or are too dazed to recognise him), he’ll identify himself, using the name they call him by.
The Mutants
DOCTOR: So, you must be Ky. How do you do? I'm the Doctor. That's the idea. Now then, where's Miss Grant?
It’s debatable, but I feel like this really is the first time he just casually introduces himself as the Doctor, not to correct somebody calling him something else, not to identify his voice to someone who can’t see him, not to resolve a case of mistaken identity, not in jocular third person with a friend— but simply and voluntarily introducing himself as the Doctor when he meets a stranger. All the way out in Season 9!
Carnival of Monsters
VORG: Allow me to introduce myself. I am the great Vorg! And this beautiful young lady is Shirna, my assistant. DOCTOR: Delighted, Miss Shirna. I am the Doctor.
This is the next time he does it. (Season 10)  Also in Invasion of the Dinosaurs. 
He still likes to be mysterious about himself, sometimes resorting to “John Smith” when he’s being sneaky, but he now thinks of himself as The Doctor. It’s become his core identity rather than just a label used when vagueness won’t suffice.
Robot
DOCTOR: Not fit? I'm the Doctor. HARRY: No, Doctor, I'm the doctor and I say that you're not fit. DOCTOR: You may be a doctor, but I'm the Doctor. The definite article, you might say.
P.S. While my memory’s fuzzy, I’m pretty sure that the Meddling Monk and a few other adversaries knew him as the Doctor — how? — before he started calling himself that routinely on TV. But that’s a whole other can of worms, and this post is already too long. 
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kappasigmalife · 6 years
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Eternal Purgatory: Chp 2 Daddy did what?
dedicated to my loving cub: http://875mg.tumblr.com/
Eternal Purgatory: Chp 2
Daddy did what?
As Chris and Helen begin staring at each other, its perfectly clear they both died sometime between each other and continuously look around trying to figure out what might of happened. As it turns out helen was under a lot of stress the past few months regarding her scholarship to school and was resorting to illegal methods to keep up her grade. While the two are not too close, they found each other the summer before college started and connected finding out about josephs private life away from home. Both Helen and Chris have a certain level of disgust for the situation and resolve to find out what is going on by their clever dean.
Helen looks at Chris dressed in his flannel and pants, and remarks he looks nothing like himself
“seriously you were so prim and proper, now you look like something out of a chevy commercial.” Chris raises his eyebrow retorting he is indeed out of his own mind for being comfortable.
“well little miss fussy, I may be in country wear now, but then again I’m free to do as I will for I no longer have a parental belt spanking my ass every day, so I’ll be however I wish to be.” The cloaked man trys to reason with the two getting their attention, only to keep hearing the squabble of sibling rivalry in the works, slowly getting a bit ticked, he pulls a scythe out and slams it on the ground.
“That’s enough from the peanut gallery, it appears Arthur once again fails to give me the information I need, so to keep my peace of mind and my high from being ruined by incessant bullshit, go to his office and get the story straight, before coming back here and ruining what was supposed to be my day off.” Robby jumps in and jokes of how the cloaked man’s work is never done cause of all the things the housemates do around the place.
“Yeah reefer, don’t you know, every other day your filling out paperwork to get the insurance to rebuild the cemetery, house, car, and forest after Paul is done with it.”
Reefer places his skeletal hand over Robby’s mouth reminding him of his duties as head of the house and as a watchman of the ghosts within the house. He looks at Paul with a blank stare and wonders why he does so much damage in such a short amount of time. Paul just stares back pausing his game shrugs his shoulders responding to the silence.
“hey man its not my fault that theres a bunch of spiders everywhere, you know I hate them and literally burn them every chance I get.” Reefer looks at out the window and sees the car is bursting into flames.
“Paul, care to explain when that happened? Cause I just got the car back two days ago.”
Paul smirks and looks dead in reefers eyes and in the most deadpan tone.
“It was in the glove compartment, so you know the rest.”
Chris and Helen look back at one another and slowly creep out the house as reefer begins lighting up a joint to get his mind off the crap hes gonna have to do later. Walking down the street helen and chris walk past a lot of the student housing and notice there are surprisingly dingy houses on the block and shudder at who may live in such tarnished quarters. Chris cracks jokes about Arthur probably being a cheap shit and using the school funds to use on the theology department or on his armor shining, trying to compensate for a lack of quote personality.
“literally, the guy carrys Excalibur around like it means anything, like we get it you’re a holy man with a holy sword, but stop being a holy shit.” Helen busts a gut laughing at the dean and notes that his hair looks like it takes hours to do, and how hes probably after one of the altar boys in the church.
“Watch out Charlemagne, Arthurs packing his own blade for the boys, and I bet its a few inches bigger than yours.”
As the two laugh, they see a circle of fire erupt in front of them causing a commotion of screams and terror among the two. Out comes a woman dressed in chainmail and stares directly at the two folding her arms over.
“so you two like making jokes about the dean, well let me tell you something, he doesn’t appreciate it and youd better show more respect to the man who saved you.” Chris chuckles and responds holding back his laughter.
“your telling me that a man who brings college students to purgatory after they die to learn for all eternity is saving us, lady hell would be a better reprieve from real life than this place.” Helen holds her hand over her mouth and tries to fight back the laughter only to respond back.
“Right, I mean what kind of classes would we take, floating 101, baking with ectoplasm, gender studies, id rather be back at real college.” The woman looks at both of them and realizes they are new and lets them have a pass as they do not have any sense of how the school works.
“oh I see you need to register, I get it, please follow me to the deans office he must of wanted you moved in before setting up a schedule, no big deal, and btw I’m Professor Arc.
Chris’s eye widens and gasps, coming to his senses of who the woman is.
“The circle of fire, the chainmail, the strong feminist overtones, Arc, your Joan of Arc.” The woman tells Chris he is correct and that many important figures live in purgatory as teachers, while many travel around helping in society or do as they did when they were alive. Chris and helen arrive at arthurs office again only to be welcomes by him to discuss their concerns.
Arthur looks at both of them trying to get them to sit and hear him out on the troubling news that has occurred.
“children I know this may sound off, but your re…..” Chris cuts him off only to bluntly state.
“yeah were fucking related, old news dude, were not 6.” Arthur blankly stares at them and asks how they could possibly know they were brother and sister. With Helen cutting him off once again.
“Cause our dads an asshole and left when my mom was having an addiction, then got a new wife and had two others he cast as failures in life, I found chris last summer and we chatted, honestly I dodged a bullet with this family.” Chris interjects.
“you were the lucky one.” As the two begin smiling at the fact they could make up for lost time, paul appears from Arthurs phone to look at the bother of them and give a thumbs up and cracking a joke at their expense.
“Hey, heard you guys over the phone, when are you going to be on jerry springer?”
Chris just looks at Paul confused over what is going on and wonders how’s he capable of performing such a feat.
Paul tells him it’s his spectral power and everyone has one, over time they soon will discover theirs, and takes Arthurs wallet before passing into the phone.
Arthur’s eye twitches as he takes a breath and asks if there’s anything else that is needing answers.
Chris just stares at the phone and shakes his head.
“no im just the right amount of mindfucked today, I’m going to go take a nap.”
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the-record-columns · 5 years
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April 24, 2019: Columns
Call your mother...
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                Cary Welborn
By KEN WELBORN
Record Publisher
Just three short weeks ago I wrote about the death of my father, Rev. C. S. Welborn, in March of 1995.
This Friday, April 26, will be the anniversary of the death of my mother, Cary. She was a widow but 30 days.
About two weeks after my dad died, mother told me and my brother, T. A., that she was going to "...go be with your daddy."  In the 10 or 15 years prior to that, she wouldn't have changed brand of dish detergent without first running it by T. A.
This was different.
She was clear, she was sure, and she assured us of two things in that conversation—first that we would be fine—she had raised us well and it was natural to bury your parents. Then she ended the conversation with her second comment—her oft noted thankfulness that she never had to bury a child—that, in her words, was "...unnatural" or "...out of order."
About two weeks later, she went to sleep surrounded by her family on the evening of April 25, after listening to a series of hymns sung by an amazingly kind soul named Floranna Williams.  She died peacefully in the early morning hours that followed.
It never changes for me. 
It still seems like a blink of the eye, though 24 years have passed.  I still feel like I am 8 years old picking blackberries for my mother with Mark Goodman for the cobbler we would shortly devour. I am at my birthday party when I was 7 where even my crabby first grade teacher showed up.  Her name was Minnie Horton and she had literally struck terror in the hearts of Hinshaw Street’s "Great Unwashed."   And, speaking of teachers, I had Miss Elizabeth Finley in the second grade—literally going from the frying pan into the fire.
But, in fairness, I must quote my once feared but now revered elementary school principal, Conrad Shaw, that "...none of us were any worse for the wear."
I have heard my mother say it is all right to spoil a child if you spoil him with love, and she practiced what she preached. I often remind all that I was my mother, Cary's, baby boy, but the truth is we were all blessed with a kind and caring mother who went far beyond being a wonderful cook and homemaker.
She taught us to live by the simple rule of treating everyone as we would like to be treated, assuring us that helping others would always be reward enough in itself.  I will never forget the last meal my mother fixed for me in August of 1994—for my birthday.  As I sat eating myself under the table, she sat smiling, saying little but with eyes that spoke volumes about this slight, frail woman who wanted nothing more than to see her baby boy happy.
I know my mother overdid it that day.  Once again she had put the welfare or happiness of someone else ahead of her own, a trait for which she is often remembered.
During the time when my father was beginning to fade away, what I didn't know was that she would not let him go by himself.  Or, perhaps more to the point, that he would be waiting—impatiently—for her to arrive.
So. 
 Twenty four years have gone by.  Now, more than ever, I treasure the memories of my mother, I treasure the lessons I learned at her feet, I treasure the kindness she showed me and everyone she met, and, perhaps most of all, I have come to truly appreciate what unconditional love is.
Clearly, to know my mother, Cary, was to love her, but to love her like I loved her is also to miss her terribly.  No one could ever put things better that the late Lewis Grizzard who once wrote, "Call your mother—I sure wish I could."
Oh, how I wish I could.
                                                  Cary Potts Welborn
                                         April 13, 1916-April 26, 1995
                                                     Rest in Peace
  “It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine”
By HEATHER DEAN
Record Reporter
If you’re reading this, congratulations!
You have survived the rapture!
Last week I read an article where Fox news reported that prominent “Christian Numerologist” David Meade predicted the Rapture for April 23 according to Biblical prophecy. (For those of you unfamiliar with the belief, some Christians think they will rise in the sky and meet Jesus at the end of the world.)
My immediate thought went straight to the compassion of Christ. Most rapture days are random numbers thrown into a regularly mundane week. Not this time. It’s two days after Easter, so not only are we all rising within days of when Christ did, but we got time to digest Easter dinner and all the candy. Can I get an Amen?
Back to the theory: Based on Revelation 12:1–2, Meade says our time marker is the alignment the moon appearing under the feet of the Constellation Virgo, the sun appearing to “clothe” Virgo, the nine stars of Leo, and the three planetary alignments of Mercury, Venus and Mars –combine to make a count of 12 stars on the head of Virgo, represent a unique once-in-a-century sign exactly as depicted in the verses, which all happen on April 23.  
Of course, Meade also says that Nibiru (planet x) is responsible for this alignment will appear above the sky causing volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and earthquakes. Never mind that NASA has repeatedly pointed out that planet is a hoax, and put out a statement saying, “No giant, rogue planet has been found in the outer solar system to play the role of Nibiru.” But that doesn’t stop it from popping up in forecasts of doom.
That being said, if the rapture happens there will inadvertently be some of us left. Hopefully you have a plan B for the post-rapture world. I hope there will be more dance numbers, special effects and background music in everyday life.
However, if you don’t have a plan, allow me to suggest a few things:
Practice cursive handwriting- it’s becoming quite a lost art and I’m tired of trying to translate chicken scratch. In fact, work on penmanship all together.
Increase your vocabulary. If you find yourself running pell mell down the sidewalk after assuming you’d be taken, use ratiocination and coddiwomple to the closet library. There’s nothing that your favorite book and a nice cup of tea can’t fix.
Try to be a good human. It never fails to amaze me that the most hateful people wonder “why me” when they get hit by a fruit truck.  
Saturday people followed by Sunday people
By EARL COX
Special to The Record
Today, the United  States and other democracies around the world face the most insidious ideological threat in history. What I’m referring to is the political, religious, secular and legal doctrine and system known as Sharia which governs the Islamic world.  
There are more than fifty Muslim majority countries on earth with close to two billion adherents of the Islamic faith.  This figure  represents more than 22 percent of the world’s population.  If their philosophy were to “live and let live,” there would be no rising threat.  However, their goal is not peaceful coexistence but rather the domination and annihilation of all who do not worship Allah and they will settle for nothing less.  The best tool against the global ambitions of militant Islamists is to have an educated and well-informed populace.  Burying our heads in the sand and remaining ignorant of the evil forces at play in the world around us will only allow this danger to grow. 
Israel is on the frontlines of the world’s war on terror and the fight against the cancerous spread of radical Islam.  We’ve all heard the saying, “Know your enemy.”  Well, Israel is under no false illusions.  She knows that Islamic terror groups such as Hamas, Hezbollah, Fatah, Al Aqsa Martyrs' Brigade, Muslim Brotherhood, ISIS, Al-Shabaab, and Boko Haram, to name only a few, have their sights laser focused on the destruction of Israel. 
According to Islamic teaching, there is no room in this world for infidels which, when translated, means Jews and Christians must be killed. That, my friends, means you and me. 
Sadly, many Christians today are fairly uninformed about the ever-growing threats facing Israel from her Arab neighbors.  Imagine Iran with nuclear weapons whose brand of Islamic militancy knows no bounds.  Israel fully recognizes that, “if your enemy says they are going to kill you, believe them.” Here in the United  States we’ve been a bit slower at learning this lesson in favor of political correctness and appeasement.  Remember, Islam is determined to destroy the Saturday people followed by the Sunday people.  We must believe them or suffer the consequences.  How did it happen that those counted among America’s enemies have offices in the Congress of the United States? 
“We the People” no longer collectively embrace the same values and beliefs upon which our great country was founded.  We’ve pushed God out of our schools and other institutions and opened the door for Allah.  Are we still a Christian nation?  In Europe, less than 50% of the population claims to be Christian. On the other hand, Israel is holding fast and firm to her Jewishness and her right to exist as a Jewish state.  No matter the peace deal placed on the table, for Israel this is nonnegotiable.  Those of us in America who still love God and embrace the fundamental values upon which our country was founded, must stand up and be counted and we must stand with Israel, our only true friend and ally in the Middle East. 
 Whiskey, Cornbread and a guest from Denmark
By CARL WHITE
Life in the Carolinas
It was a nice week.
Spring was showing off her fresh colors and the pollen count was high; but then it rained, and the wind blew much of the beautiful misery away.  
Saturday was stable enough for the Copper Barrel Distillery annual event, Shinetopia; an outdoor benefit concert, cook-off and car show around the heritage of moonshine.  
Everyone seemed to be having a great time. The Moon Runners Food Truck’s meatloaf on a stick was a huge hit. Cameraman Tim said the delightful meatloaf, snugly wrapped with bacon and glazed with a BBQ moonshine sauce, was a treat fit for Nordic nobility. Shiners Stash Jerky was another big hit, with their sample of moonshine infused jerky with various flavor profiles.
Listing to story-teller Dub Harris recount tales of moonshiners from his youth, it was not hard to imagine them in the woods making a fresh batch of whiskey and chewing on some jerky to fuel the long hours of work.
And then I met Ila Dean Hayes who had two submissions for the corn bread cook off. She is a charming lady with children and grandchildren who unconditionally love her rendition of traditional corn bread.
“It’s important that it’s made in a cast iron skillet that has a slight outward slop,” she said.
With such a glowing review, pride in her culinary mastery and endorsements by so many who love her, I naturally ask for the recipe.
My request was somewhat fulfilled in that she did share the simple list of ingredients; however, she did not share the amounts because she has never used exact measurements. For Ila, it’s a feeling about how much is right. She just knows how much to use and that’s the way it is.
She did share that for many years she has only used the fresh ground cornmeal from Linneys Mill. “It’s fresh and it taste good,” she said.
Ila knows how to carry on a good conversation. I was honored to get to know her and I was pleased to see at the end of the day that with steep completion, Ila received two mentions for her traditional cornbread submissions; An honorable mention for one and second place for another; however there is no doubt in my mind that for those who love Ila, she always comes in first place.
A few days later I visited with Jan Kronsell from Denmark.
Over the past 19 years, he has taken vacation in the United States and 14 of the 19 years he has visited the Carolinas. He often stays in a bed and breakfast because he feels as if he gets to know the local area better. We had a great visit and made plans to visit again when Jan and his family return to the U.S. for summer travels. Jan is one of the many who have become captivated by Tom Dooley’s story. It’s interesting that a person form Denmark would take on the task of learning so much about our legendary Tom Dooley, so much so that Jan recently released a novella on the subject titled, “The Doctor’s Secret.” Another book is in the works as well.
The Carolinas have many fascinations that spark the curious nature of those not from here. It’s a nice thing to take a moment and get to know those who visit. In doing so, we make new friends who will often visit again.
 Carl White is the Executive Producer and Host of the award-winning syndicated TV show Carl White’s Life In The Carolinas. The weekly show is now in its 10th year of syndication and can be seen in the Charlotte market on WJZY Fox 46 Saturday’s at noon and My 12. The show also streams on Amazon Prime. For more information visit www.lifeinthecarolinas.com. You can email Carl at [email protected]
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zrtranscripts · 7 years
Text
Radio Abel, Season Three
Part 7 of 7
Details about the clips contained in this post are under the cut: 
This post contains the Newsfright segments, the Laments of the World excerpts, some clips related to time of day, and some miscellaneous scenes. Each set of clips will contain information on where they fit chronologically. Additionally, each individual clip will begin with a brief descriptive note in italics.
(the following set of clips takes place before S3M25)
(the following clip takes place after S3M2)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hello, ci-ti-zens, and welcome to Newsfright, our new segment in which we discuss the news and rumors from here in Fraternal Alliance land.
ZOE CRICK: We'll be bringing you all the latest news as it happens, because what you don't know can kill you. Here's Jack with our top story for today.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, listeners, today's news is a real blast from the past. Now, it seems our old friend Red Eye is back! And, more importantly, he's real.
ZOE CRICK: Who the heck is Red Eye?
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, it's some stupid rumor Jack heard about ages ago.
JACK HOLDEN: What?
EUGENE WOODS: A person who got bitten, but instead of turning, gained superhuman powers and can control zombies now.
ZOE CRICK: Ooh... spooky.
JACK HOLDEN: Listen, it's not a stupid rumor, because... because right, Adrien – you know, the guy in the bunk next to us, Runner Thirty-one? - now look, he was out yesterday and he said he saw this guy running around holding his hand out to the zoms, and they were just doing his bidding! Look, look, at one point, right, apparently he got them all to just jump off a cliff. Like lemmings! Boom! Proof. Red Eye.
ZOE CRICK: I don't know. Magical powers? Surely there's a scientific explanation for that. Weren't the folk at Abel working on some kind of zombie repellent spray?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, that was a spray that put the zoms to sleep! They aren't cats, Zoe. You can't just spritz them until they stop clawing the furniture.
EUGENE WOODS: You're both wrong. And it doesn't matter, though. Whatever the real explanation is, there's no way that that was Red Eye! He's just a campfire story.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh yeah, yeah yeah, and I suppose the story Adrien told me about how they found Red Eye cryogenically frozen inside a top secret government facility hidden under a dam is just a campfire story as well.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes! 100%!
JACK HOLDEN: No!
ZOE CRICK: It does sound like that guy's a bit crazy, Jack.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And that's your headline news for today. In politics now, rumors abound that Abel's expecting the arrival of a new head honcho following the tragic death of previous commander, Major De Santa. Speculation is rife about who this might be, from where they are being sent, and whether or not this marks a sea change in the fight to retake Britain.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. That's all for today, folks. We'll be back after this.
(the following clip takes place after S3M3)
EUGENE WOODS: It's that time, everyone: your regular update with all the latest news from, well, our area. It's time for Newsfright. Zoe?
ZOE CRICK: Our hot story today, listeners: a mysterious crash, sounds in the forest, and a daring rescue. According to top sources in New Canton's dining hall, witnesses reported seeing a helicopter come down over the forest near Abel Township. A short while later, our sources tell us a series of loud noises were heard, followed by a group of runners, seemingly from Abel, retreating from the scene. Here with some rampant speculation, it's Jack Holden and Phil Cheeseman.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What's your take on this story, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, I think all signs point towards a smoke monster infestation in that forest, Phil.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey, easy there. That kind of reckless speculation could cause panic amongst our listeners. Do you have any evidence?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, as everybody knows, smoke monsters are highly territorial, and often target light aircraft. Now, a native forest creature, the smoke monster can be recognized by its distinctive mating call – the sound of trees falling over near dramatic events.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: And what is your response to claims that this was an aviation disaster which caused structural damage to several trees in the forest area, causing them to topple due to the weight of the helicopter, which had become lodged in their branches?
JACK HOLDEN: Well, Phil, I don't think science can prove it one way or another.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Phil.
EUGENE WOODS: Sports news now. New Canton's Archie Jensen's memorial hide and seek championship played out yesterday. Hot favorite Sophie Baker was eliminated early in the game after being discovered hiding inside one of the greenhouses, leaving the field wide open. A spate of eliminations quickly followed, with popular hiding spots including the trees near the duck pond and underneath the bunks in housing units nine through eleven.
The contest continued, as per Miss Jensen's last wishes, until only one hider remained: young Thomas Rice, who stayed hidden for five hours and forty-two minutes to claim the victory. Our congratulations to him. That's all from us today. Your regular programming will resume after this.
(the following clip takes place after S3M6)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Welcome back, citizens. It's time for another Newsfright segment. Here's Eugene Woods your headlines.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. We have an extraordinary story for you today, guys. Our sources tell us that a team of runners was recently dispatched from Abel Township to investigate sightings of a giant robot in the vicinity. It has also been reported that the runners came under threat from hostiles in the local area, but were rescued in the nick of time by said giant robot. For more on this story, we go to our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Details are scant at the moment, but as far as we can tell, this machine is quite simply unlike anything we've ever encountered before. Reports are that the robot stands 15 feet tall, and has been seen using some kind of green laser-like beam to, and I quote, "Totally, like, evaporate zombies."
JACK HOLDEN: Zoe, is there any word on whether this robot is using a fusion power source, or some other conventional fuel?
ZOE CRICK: Not yet, Jack, but I'd suggest that fusion is the likeliest option here, given the power potentially required to run a laser of the size and intensity we might be talking about here, if our sources our correct.
JACK HOLDEN: Mmhmm. Yeah, that makes complete sense. Thanks, Zoe.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Entertainment news now. And local toddler Nancy Carlyle has been thrilling residents of New Canton with her animal impressions. The two year old resident of Unit Seven is said to have an extensive repertoire, including ducks, sheep, dogs, and cows. [stifles laughter] Performances daily from lunch until naptime. That's it from us, today. Thanks to Eugene Woods, Zoe Crick, and Jack Holden. I've been Phil Cheeseman, and this has been Newsfright.
(the following clip takes place after S3M10)
JACK HOLDEN: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright. Here's Phil Cheeseman with your top story.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Today we bring you a tale of intrigue, kidnap, and terror, as the Phantom of Abel strikes again. Friends of eyewitnesses in Abel have told our sources that strange noises have been heard late at night around the township recently, with residents waking the next day to find various valuables missing. These incidents have been popularly ascribed to the so-called Phantom of Abel, we're told.
Our sources have reported hearing from runners in the field that later, an odd figure matching the Phantom's rumored description was seen shortly before Abel's Runner Five disappeared while out on a run. Here to discuss the Phantom's motives are Eugene Woods and Zoe Crick.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. It seems clear to me that the Phantom aims to take Runner Five hostage until certain demands are met by those at Abel Township. Until those demands are communicated to us, however, we can but speculate on what they might be. Zoe?
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. I think we can all agree that these demands are highly likely to be connected to the Phantom's well-discussed love of personal trinkets, broken electronics, and odd socks. There's an expectation that the Phantom is going to be asking for one item of emotional significance from every resident of Abel, along with at least 12 locks of hair.
EUGENE WOODS: [shudders] Killing stuff. And what of the baseless accusations that the Phantom could be nothing more than a popular myth used to explain the disappearance of many unrelated objects?
ZOE CRICK: I see no reason to give those further creedence by commenting on them.
EUGENE WOODS: Of course. Thanks for your time, Zoe. We'll be back shortly.
(the following clip takes place after S3M11)
EUGENE WOODS: And now, we bring you another installment of Newsfright, our regular news feature in which we -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe's got a boyfriend.
ZOE CRICK: Phil.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sing-song voice] Boyfriend, boyfriend, Zoe's got a boyfriend.
ZOE CRICK: He's just some kid who's -
EUGENE WOODS: - update you on the latest news from Abel and the New Canton area. Here with today's headline is Jack - oh, what's the point.
ZOE CRICK: - he's not my boyfriend.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you may say that, but we all know the truth, Zoe. You found love where you least expected it: after the apocalypse.
ZOE CRICK: You're an idiot.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sorry. Eugene, were you - ?
EUGENE WOODS: Trying to do Newsfright? Yes.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Go ahead.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] Here's Jack Holden with your headline story.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. And our top story today is that our own Zoe Crick has totally found a lovey dovey boyfriend woyfriend, with whom she's absolutely going to be locking lips later in an abandoned sewage treatment plant. Now, our sources indicate that Cupid has indeed been sighted in the air, and I quote, "His aim has never been better." [laughs] We pass over to our top correspondent de l'amour, Philip "Cassanova" Cheeseman, for more insight.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. Judging by the alignment of Jupiter with -
ZOE CRICK: Enough. Enough, okay? Okay? You've had your jokes. I get it. Very funny. [humorless laugh] But can we please stop titting around and get back to our jobs? Please?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, sure.
JACK HOLDEN: Sorry. Sorry.
ZOE CRICK: Thank you. Eugene, music.
EUGENE WOODS: Is he cute?
[JACK HOLDEN and PHIL CHEESEMAN laugh]
(the following clip takes place after S3M12)
JACK HOLDEN: Welcome back to Newsfright, listeners. Today's top story is something a little special, in that our top reporters, Phil and Zoe, are also our firsthand sources. Phil, do you want to tell us what happened?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, thanks, Jack. Well, Zoe and I were on our way to the Invasive Species Council meeting – her first time at one of New Canton's many important and exciting democratic committees -
ZOE CRICK: It's a meeting about bloody weeds, Phil. Don't get too excited.
JACK HOLDEN: Look, I'm sure the uh, Invading Special Countries meeting is very important, Phil. Please, continue.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So I was very kindly taking Zoe to her first meeting when we came across none other than our old friend, Runner Five.
ZOE CRICK: Who was kind enough not to make fun of me for the entire trip back from the warehouse the other day, which is more than I can say for you, Phil.
JACK HOLDEN: Runner Five is certainly very discreet, yes. What happened next?
ZOE CRICK: Well, Five needs some piece of paper signed or other.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A motion to second vital resources.
ZOE CRICK: Whatever. So Phil leads us to this random room with some grumpy old geezer in it, and gets him to sign the paper. To be honest, I'm really not sure why it's news. Just some bureaucratic nonsense.
JACK HOLDEN: Ah, well, here's the interesting part: as Phil explained, such a requisition would only be necessary were the relevant resources to be needed for work far away from New Canton, which means that Runner Five and – and who was it?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh uh, Nadia.
JACK HOLDEN: Nadia, right. Which means Runner Five and Nadia are going on a real road trip! So, where are they going, and why? Why would Abel Township send one of its most prized runners so far away? Here with an analysis, it's Eugene Woods.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Jack. Well, here's what we know: Runner Five is, of course, one of the most skilled and reliable runners at either township, and has been involved in many actions involving large machinery and aircraft. Aircraft like those which Nadia supervised prior to the outbreak in her role as an air traffic controller. It's plain as the nose on your face, Jack, Runner Five and Nadia are on a mission to reopen one of the nearby commercial airfields to allow supplies to arrive from America and Europe.
JACK HOLDEN: So we can all expect plenty of hot dogs and baseball caps in our future.
[everyone laughs]
EUGENE WOODS: I can't think of any earthly reason why not.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Eugene. That's all for now, folks. We'll be back shortly.
(the next two clips take place after S3M13)
EUGENE WOODS: It's time for Newsfright now, bringing you the latest news as it happens. Here's Phil with our top story.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. The big news today is rumors of a new technology being trialed over at Abel Township. Our sources tell us that Abel has been testing a new automated operator system, which sees runners in the field being guided by pre-recorded messages from their operators, potentially allowing many more simultaneous missions. Here with analysis is our resident tech expert, Zoe Crick.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. Reports from Abel indicate it's likely initial trials have been an overwhelming success. The new automated system, which uses a recently rediscovered artificial intelligence system nicknamed "Sunshine", has outperformed human operators by up to 75% in most key categories.
Commentators have noted that with the current pace of improvement, all operational duties could be delegated to this system in as little as five weeks.
JACK HOLDEN: And what of the speculation that this system will lead to increased unemployment? Are we worried about sentient robot computers overtaking the human worker when it comes to the traditional backbones of the economy, such as running, killing zombies, and presenting radio shows?
ZOE CRICK: The thing our listeners need to understand, Jack, is that this is a specialized system created for only one task. While it is certainly theoretically possible that Sunshine could be taught to take over many of the jobs you listed, this isn't likely in the near future.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. You've reassured me that my job is safe, and now I can wholeheartedly support our new robot overlords.
EUGENE WOODS: In other local news, New Canton residents are perplexed today by the recent spate of graffiti appearing around the settlement. Analysis suggests that the widespread appearance of the phrase, "El Barto" spray painted onto walls around New Canton is indeed a reference to hit pre-outbreak television comedy, The Simpsons. The question remains, however, who is this vandalous bandit, what are their motives, and where are they getting the paint from? We'll be back with more after this.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Greeting, ci-ti-zens. And welcome to the test broadcast of the automated radio host operation. Beginning introduction.
ZOE CRICK: Interruption in order to elaborate on introduction.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Spiky but friendly counter-interruption. Continuation of main theme.
EUGENE WOODS: Elaboration on main theme, including amusing personal reminiscence.
ALL: Laughter.
JACK HOLDEN: Very slightly sexual reference.
EUGENE WOODS: Mildly embarrassed agreement.
JACK HOLDEN and EUGENE WOODS: Flirty laughter.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Interruption in order to prevent further embarrassment. Attempt to get discussion back on topic.
ZOE CRICK: Comment on fellow host's repression.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Refusal of comment on repression. Slight annoyance.
JACK HOLDEN: Attempt to break the tension with a relevant joke.
EUGENE WOODS: Comment on quality of the joke.
ALL: Laughter.
JACK HOLDEN: This is rubbish, isn't it?
EUGENE WOODS: I really don't see the appeal.
ZOE CRICK: It'll never catch on.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You just can't beat the human touch, can you?
JACK HOLDEN: Mm, I'll say.
EUGENE WOODS: Easy, there!
ZOE CRICK: All right, all right. [laughs] So, a failed experiment?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Most definitely.
EUGENE WOODS: Time for some music, then.
JACK HOLDEN: Do it!
(the following clip takes place after S3M14)
JACK HOLDEN: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Newsfright. The big news today: mysterious research, cross-township cooperation, and a new obsession for Abel comms man, Sam Yao. Here with more information is Zoe Crick.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Sources in New Canton report that Sam Yao, famed comms operator at Abel Township, has been in touch requesting information on various species of big cats. Local zoologist, Brandon Drakes, was apparently asked to consult via radio on the hunting habits of lions, tigers, and other large predators. Speculation suggests that Mister Yao is preparing for the intake of a number of animals who have been abandoned in a nearby zoo, and is planning to create his own circus-style touring animal show.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe, would it be right in saying that this proposed circus poses a significant threat to those quiet, law-abiding citizens who find themselves living nearby?
ZOE CRICK: Phil, I think that's a legitimate concern. But given the depth of Mister Yao's research, we can only assume that all relevant precautions will be taken to ensure that there are no unnecessary fatalities related to the circus -
EUGENE WOODS: Sorry, I'm going to have to butt in here.
ZOE CRICK: No, no, go ahead.
EUGENE WOODS: I think we need to take a moment to consider the welfare of these animals! Mister Yao has no history as a zookeeper, and given the conditions at Abel Township, I can't see these animals being well-cared for. I'm going to have to voice my opinion here and say that this circus is not a good idea!
JACK HOLDEN: Wow. Lively debate, there, thanks to Zoe, Phil, and Eugene. Weather news, now. And the cloud that looks like a dinosaur can still be seen to the southwest of New Canton. All residents are advised to go catch a glimpse of this sky-bound wonder before it disappears for good. I've been Jack Holden and this has been Newsfright. We'll be back after this.
(the following clip takes place after M19)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Here we are again, citizens. It's time for your regular dose of current affairs. It's Newsfright. And here's Eugene Woods with your top story.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. According to rumors here at New Canton, a motorcycle was recently seen departing Abel at high speed, heading off to an unknown mission. Our sources lead us to believe that said motorcycle is being ridden by none other than Janine De Luca herself.
De Luca is said to be riding out to rescue a runner who has been waylaid with some high value electronics recently recovered from an old research facility. For the bigwigs at Abel to authorize the use of precious fuel, we can be certain that those are some valuable pieces of tech. Our technology correspondent, Zoe Crick, joins us with more information. Zoe?
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Given the fact that Janine has left Abel herself in order to recover these pieces, we can be sure that they are not only incredibly valuable, but also potentially very unstable. This leads us to assume that the object in question is, in fact, nothing less than a fully-fledged fusion bomb.
EUGENE WOODS: Whoa. So Abel's planning to go nuclear?
ZOE CRICK: Could be, Eugene. Could be. Of course, it could simply be the case that Abel is going to such lengths to recover this bomb because they're afraid of it falling into the wrong hands, but it's simply too soon to tell.
EUGENE WOODS: Goodness, should we be worried?
ZOE CRICK: Oh, no, Eugene. Quite apart from the current peace between the two townships, a device of that size couldn't be used to attack New Canton without also destroying Abel.
EUGENE WOODS: Ah, glad to hear it. We can all rest easier in our beds tonight, knowing that that is the case. Thanks, Zoe.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's all for Newsfright today. Your regular schedule returns after this.
(the following clip takes place after S3M20, and after the cider drinking game earlier in S3 radio)
ZOE CRICK: Welcome back, everyone. It's time for another update from the mean streets. That's right, it's Newsfright. Here with your top story today is Jack Holden.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Today's news may shock younger listeners, so we advise you to cover their ears and make "la la la!" noises for the next few minutes. We'll wait. Okay. According to our sources, disaster has befallen -
[knock on the door]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Who's that?
EUGENE WOODS: I'm not expecting anyone. Jack?
[knock on the door]
JACK HOLDEN: No. Phil, do you think it could be someone from one of your committees?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I don't know...
[knock on door]
ZOE CRICK: Oh, for God's sake. There's a pretty simple way to solve this question. [opens door] Yes?
VISITOR: There's a call for you in the comms center.
ZOE CRICK: Is it urgent?
VISITOR: I was told to bring you right away.
ZOE CRICK: Oh, all right. Boys, I'll be back soon. I hope.
VISITOR: Uh, no, ma'am. I was instructed to bring all of you.
ZOE CRICK: Oh. Okay. Well, you heard the man. Off we trot.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody hell. Wonder what this is about.
JACK HOLDEN: Maybe we're in trouble.
EUGENE WOODS: Maybe we're being given a medal.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, I love medals!
ZOE CRICK: Boys, don't make me carry you.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. Coming! Uh, citizens, we'll be back with you soon.
(the following clip takes place after S3M21)
JACK HOLDEN: All right, hold tight, and sit upright. It's time for more Newsfright.
EUGENE WOODS: I knew I should not have given you that rhyming dictionary.
JACK HOLDEN: Eugene, don't be mean. I know you're not keen, but my rhymes are pristine. When times are this lean, poems make folks serene! The queen's machine runs on green beans.
EUGENE WOODS: You done?
JACK HOLDEN: Fifteen. Teen. Spleen. Okay, I'm done.
EUGENE WOODS: Cool. Welcome to Newsfright, everyone. Here's Philip Cheeseman with our top story.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene, and thank you, Jack, for the poetry.
JACK HOLDEN: Uh, you're quite welcome.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Our top story today, ci-ti-zens: runners out in force, a daring theft, and the hunt for a treasonous criminal. Earlier today, we here at New Canton were witness to the largest single deployment of runners since the attack on Abel several months ago. Our sources have indicated to us that they believe the runners to have been summoned by Ministry of Recovery officials to assist in the hunt for a wanted criminal. Here with more is Zoe Crick.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Phil. We've had word from people here at New Canton who've seen the runners out in the field. The current consensus is that they're searching the surrounding areas for notorious cat burglar Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez. 
A warrent for the arrest of Ibanez was reportedly issued by the Ministry of Recovery after he stole the remaining Crown Jewels. Reports suggest that Ibanez barely escaped from the Tower of London with his life after being cornered by several undead beefeaters, but used a handily-placed ladder to escape over a fence to a boat waiting on the nearby Thames.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thrilling stuff. While we wait for more on this breaking story, here's Eugene Woods with today's financial news.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Movements on the market today suggest that confidence is rising in the pen as a reserve currency, while the footsie pajama index continues to fall after a spate of warm weather. And finally, the churro market is continuing to rise against the ground beef index as the price of cooking oil climbs for the third consecutive quarter. Back to you, Phil.
JACK HOLDEN: Jesus. How long did that take you?
EUGENE WOODS: Couple hours.
JACK HOLDEN: And you make fun of my rhymes?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Eugene. That's all from us today. Your regular programming will resume shortly.
(the following clip takes place after S3M22)
ZOE CRICK: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you breaking news. A startling development in the manhunt for Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez, as witnesses report seeing the famed cat burglar escaping pursuit in an aircraft. Here's Jack Holden with more details.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Uh, we've just received reports that a light aircraft was seen taking off from a field in the vicinity of New Canton. All signs point to the pilot being none other than "El Tejón" himself, and rumors suggest that the bandit is indeed still carrying the remains of the Crown Jewels. New Canton runners and ministry officials remain in hot pursuit. Here with some speculation about his chances of a successful escape – Phil Cheeseman and Eugene Woods.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Thanks, Jack. As much as I hate to say it, I'm confident that "El Tejón" will escape the authorities. Uh, he's known to be an expert pilot, and is especially skilled at flying the Cessna 172, which I'm blindly assuming this plane is. Given the lack of air support available to the authorities, I think we have to believe that "El Tejón" can count this as yet another daring escape.
EUGENE WOODS: I'm sorry, Phil, but I'm going to have to disagree here. Not only is the 172 far from "El Tejón"'s favorite aircraft, but there's also a severe storm closing in on the area. With the likelihood of a thunderstorm, the Cessna's famed lack of reliability in turbulent conditions, and "El Tejón" famous fear of thunder, I expect to see him grounded and apprehended before too long.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, let's hope that's the case. I, for one, would like nothing more than to see the Crown Jewels restored to their rightful home.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: India.
JACK HOLDEN: No, the... never mind. Here's Zoe Crick with today's health news.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Jack. Experts at Abel Township have announced their latest discovery today. Apparently, this one weird trick using commonly available post-apocalypse items will allow the general public to keep their hair completely lice-free without resorting to time-consuming screening and extermination procedures. I don't know about you, boys, but I'm looking forward to a day when I no longer have to make my monthly trip to the nurses for an encounter with their weirdly sharp metal combs.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, it's not so bad.
ZOE CRICK: Mm. You still harping after that nurse? Leave it alone, Phil. She's not interested. Listeners, we'll be back with you shortly.
(the following clip takes place after S3M23)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Up next, both lightning and justice strike as the manhunt for "El Tejón" comes to a dramatic conclusion. This is Newsfright, and here's Eugene Woods with your top story.
EUGENE WOODS: Thanks, Phil. Following his daring airborne escape from the authorities, the story of "El Tejón" has come to a striking end.
JACK HOLDEN: Ooh, very nice.
EUGENE WOODS: Thank you. Luis "El Tejón" Ibanez was last seen commandeering an old Cessna 172 in order to make his escape from a joint force of Ministry officials and New Canton runners. His escape, however, would prove to be thwarted by an oncoming storm, which brought him down in the hills nearby. 
Sources who are acquainted with witnesses on the ground report that the light aircraft was struck by a bolt of lightning around 15 minutes after takeoff. The lightning strike reportedly caused the Cessna's engine to fail, forcing "El Tejón" to make an emergency landing. Here with more on the crash and its aftermath – Zoe Crick.
ZOE CRICK: Thanks, Eugene. Rumors are telling us that those on the ground report seeing Ibanez corpse being taken away from the crash site. According to reports, Ibanez sustained fatal injuries during the crash of his aircraft, and his body was taken away by ministry officials for correct burial. What is uncertain, however, is the fate of "El Tejón"'s loot: none other than the Crown Jewels themselves. Here with analysis on their potential location is Jack Holden.
JACK HOLDEN: Thanks, Zoe. Now, I think it's a simple enough assumption that ministry officials have recovered the jewels from the crash site, and will return them to the secure location posthaste. But I think simple assumptions are boring, and often wrong, so I'm going to speculate that, before attempting to land, "El Tejón" threw the Crown Jewels out of the plane to a waiting accomplice who has hidden them nearby in a cleverly-marked secret cave.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's a strong assertion, Jack. Do you have any evidence to back that up?
JACK HOLDEN: None at all, Phil.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Okay, thanks. In which case, I'd like to remind all of our listeners that it is extremely unlikely that the Crown Jewels are currently hidden in a cave near New Canton. They should under no circumstance leave the safety of the township in order to search for a bunch of treasure which is practically valueless in today's society. With that said, I'd like to thank Jack, Zoe, and Eugene for their input today. From me, Phil Cheeseman, and from everyone here at Newsfright, goodbye.
(the following set of clips takes place between S3M25 and S3M52)
(the next four clips takes place between 8:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.)
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Long day.
EUGENE WOODS: Tell me about it. It's funny. You forget how tiring it can be spending all day driving.
ZOE CRICK: [laughs] Yeah. I was never much of a long distance driver at the best of times.
EUGENE WOODS: You never take a road trip?
ZOE CRICK: Well, here and there. With friends at uni, you know. But never like this. Long days, long distances, spending nights on watch. It's different.
EUGENE WOODS: Speaking of which, how are they doing back there?
ZOE CRICK: Aww, that's sweet! They're doing top and tail like kids.
EUGENE WOODS: Wow. Phil's a braver man than me, putting his head near those feet.
ZOE CRICK: Say what you like about Phil, he's certainly not squeamish.
EUGENE WOODS: No, definitely not.
ZOE CRICK: Pretty quiet out there.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. Let's hope it stays that way.
ZOE CRICK: Hear, hear.
JACK HOLDEN: Just like old times, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, although thankfully a little less dangerous.
JACK HOLDEN: [laughs, flirty tone] So we get to be on watch together, which is...
EUGENE WOODS: - nice. Not that I don't love the suggestion, but we do actually have to watch while we're on watch.
JACK HOLDEN: Well, you could keep an eye out, and I could...
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Don't be such a pest!
JACK HOLDEN: You're no fun. There.
EUGENE WOODS: Where?
JACK HOLDEN: By those trees. Three shamblers.
EUGENE WOODS: Got them. If we keep quiet, they should pass.
JACK HOLDEN: Come on. Nothing to see here. Just jog on.
EUGENE WOODS: [sighs] All right. [clears throat]
JACK HOLDEN: Close call. Lucky we were keeping such diligent watch, eh?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Very rich, very rich.
JACK HOLDEN: I spy with my little eye something beginning with... T.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: T... T... hmm... t-, t-... trees?
JACK HOLDEN: Nope.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Tires?
JACK HOLDEN: No.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Trench?
JACK HOLDEN: No. Where is there a bloody trench?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Never mind. Go on, then. I give up.
JACK HOLDEN: Tarmac.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh, fine.
JACK HOLDEN: Your turn. Or do you want to do something else? There's nothing going on out there.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?
JACK HOLDEN: I don't know. Tell each other our deepest, darkest secrets?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: All right, then. I once killed a man.
JACK HOLDEN: ... what?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I was travelling at the time, in America. Nevada. There was a man at a truck stop. He was asleep with a gun in his belt. I don't know what came over me. I just reached into his belt, cocked the gun, pulled the trigger. I guess I shot him just to watch him die. The man in Reno.
[JACK HOLDEN groans, PHIL CHEESEMAN laughs]
JACK HOLDEN: You little - ! You really had me going, there. Bloody Johnny Cash. [PHIL CHEESEMAN smacks JACK HOLDEN] Ow! Jerk.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No no no, in that case, you'd have to prosecute the person that programmed them to steal the diamonds.
ZOE CRICK: Right, but then we get into the whole question of free will and culpability, don't we? Like, if we count the robot's being programmed as negating its ability to have free will, surely we don't have free will either. We're just programmed by past experience to do the things we do anyway. So if the robot can't be guilty of the crime, then we can't be guilty of the crimes, either.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: That's a false equivalence. Human beings aren't purposefully programmed, robots are. It's like saying that uh, if a gun can't be prosecuted for murder, then a person can't be prosecuted either!
ZOE CRICK: Ah, but you said considering a world with sentient robots, so by the terms of your own question -
EUGENE WOODS: [clears throat] Guys. Not that we aren't enjoying this debate, but seriously, could you please shut up? We're trying to sleep here. [JACK HOLDEN snores] Well, I'm trying to sleep. Jack is succeeding. Still. Keep it down, yeah?
ZOE CRICK: Sorry, Gene.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sorry. You're still wrong.
(the next four clips take place between 6:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.)
[ZOE CRICK snores]
JACK HOLDEN: She's still asleep!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Out like a light.
JACK HOLDEN: I'm eating her breakfast.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, no, don't! She'll murder you!
JACK HOLDEN: Look, she's a pacifist.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: With words! She will murder you to death with her words!
EUGENE WOODS: Just wake her up, you idiots. Zoe! Zoe, if you don't get up now, Jack's eating your oatmeal.
ZOE CRICK: [startles awake] Jack Holden, if you so much as look at my breakfast sideways, I will make you wish you'd never been born.
JACK HOLDEN: Fine. Here you go.
ZOE CRICK: Hey, this is all soggy!
JACK HOLDEN: You snooze, you lose. [ZOE CRICK throws a pillow at JACK HOLDEN] Ow! That hit me right in the face! Eugene, she threw a pillow at me.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh dear God no, a pillow in the face.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What about this one?
ZOE CRICK: [sniffs] Mm... cold. [sniffs] No, wait. Damp. Yeah, damp.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [sighs] I really wanted to wear that today. Okay, how about, uh... [rummages] this?
ZOE CRICK: Nope, that's definitely damp. Where did you put your bag last night?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Over there by the back door.
ZOE CRICK: Cheeseman, there's a leak in the roof back there.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, you're kidding!
ZOE CRICK: Nope.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bollocks.
JACK HOLDEN: There's a uh, shirt under this seat, if it helps.
ZOE CRICK: Give us a feel. Mm, yeah, this is just cold. You can wear this.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Sweet!
ZOE CRICK: Not sure why you would want to, though. It makes you look like a carrot!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey!
[ZOE CRICK laughs]
ZOE CRICK: Jack. Jack, time to wake up! Jack, come on! We've got to get moving. Jack!
JACK HOLDEN: [startles awake] I'm up, I'm up, I'm... oh God. Oh God, oh God! Zoe! Zoe, help, help!
ZOE CRICK: What? What is it?
JACK HOLDEN: Spider, it's a spider!
ZOE CRICK: Well, just hold still. Just - Jack, wait!
JACK HOLDEN: It's right by my ear. There's a spider in my ear!
ZOE CRICK: Stop! Stop moving around. Hold still!
JACK HOLDEN: There's a spider in my ear! Oh God oh God oh God, oh God...
ZOE CRICK: There! It's off. It's off!
JACK HOLDEN: Okay, thanks. Thank you. Oh God. Thanks...
ZOE CRICK: It's all right. It's all right. It's gone now. It's all all right.
JACK HOLDEN: [shudders] God! Why? I hate camping. Oh God. Ew!
EUGENE WOODS: Oh, my back. Jesus. [groans] Oh, you've got to be... Jack? Jack, where the hell's my crutch? Actually, where the hell's Jack?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: He's gone off with Zoe to look for water. Said he heard a river in the night.
EUGENE WOODS: Great. [clears throat] Why are you lying in the front seat?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mm, I was looking up at some birds, and then I just couldn't be bothered to get back up.
EUGENE WOODS: Right. You okay, buddy?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, I'm fine.
EUGENE WOODS: You don't sound fine.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I'm just tired. This is... [sighs] I forgot how hard this is. It's um... I've been in New Canton for a long time.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It's a long time since any of us have done this. It's... it'll be okay. You know, we're all in this together, Phil. And we'll get used to it. It's just going to be tough at first.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. "It's tough at first." Story of my flipping life.
(the following clip takes place between 9:00 p.m. and 5:00 a.m.)
JACK HOLDEN: Gene! Gene, wake up! Gene! Gene! Zoe. Wake up, both of you!
ZOE CRICK: Jack, if this is another question about why the moon is bright, I'm not going to be happy.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, Zo, you want to see this.
ZOE CRICK: [sighs] Fine. Come on, Gene.
EUGENE WOODS: [startles awake] Oh God. This better be good.
JACK HOLDEN: Oh, just shut up, dummy. Look!
ZOE CRICK: Oh, wow! Wow!
EUGENE WOODS: Wow, that's...
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.
EUGENE WOODS: It's just...
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.
ZOE CRICK: Where do you think it's going to fall?
EUGENE WOODS: A long way from here. Maybe in the sea.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it dangerous?
EUGENE WOODS: I don't think so. It's moving slow for a meteorite, so it must be quite small.
ZOE CRICK: It's so bright.
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah. It's beautiful.
JACK HOLDEN: Maybe it's a sign.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Like what?
JACK HOLDEN: Like, a sign that everything's going to be all right. There's a light in the darkness, and it's not dangerous, so there's a sign that everything's going to be okay.
EUGENE WOODS: I like that.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Me, too.
ZOE CRICK: Yeah.
(the following clip takes place between 5:00 p.m. and 9:00 p.m.)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Right right right, then it's, [sings] "Out on the road, not in the radio shack."
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah yeah yeah. No no, that's great, that's great. Now put it with the – so it goes, [sing] "Eugene and Zoe - "
PHIL CHEESEMAN and JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "- Phil and Jack. We're out on the road, not in the radio shack."
JACK HOLDEN: No, it has to go -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah, then we go back into the verse -
ZOE CRICK: [bangs on the van] Dinner, y'all.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, nice. Thanks, Zo!
JACK HOLDEN: What is it today, Eugene?
EUGENE WOODS: Squirrel.
JACK HOLDEN: [sighs] Roast, or stew.
EUGENE WOODS: Stew. Just come and eat it.
JACK HOLDNE: Mm, stew. Come on, Phil.
ZOE CRICK: [sings] "Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!"
EUGENE WOODS: What are you singing, Zo?
ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Uh, nothing.
EVERYONE: [singing] "Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Frying mushrooms, oh! Making mushrooms, frying up some mushrooms. Add some squirrel and we're frying squirrel mushrooms. Squirrel mushrooms!"
PHIL CHEESEMAN: I thought we still had squirrel left over.
EUGENE WOODS: No, we used the last of it yesterday.
ZOE CRICK: And the pigeon?
JACK HOLDEN: Spoiled.
ZOE CRICK: Bollocks.
EUGENE WOODS: It'd be easier if we had salt, or some way of smoking the meat. But -
ZOE CRICK: Apocalypse.
EUGENE WOODS: - apocalypse.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: So it's rice for dinner again?
EUGENE WOODS: Unless you're ready to try eating grubs.
ZOE CRICK: Nope.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, no.
JACK HOLDEN: Rice is okay. ... What kind of grubs?
(the following clip takes place between 4:00 a.m. and 10:00 a.m.)
ZOE CRICK: I don't see anything.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.
ZOE CRICK: But -
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Shh.
ZOE CRICK: A rabbit! [foliage rustles, PHIL CHEESEMAN sighs] Sorry.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, it's fine. We'll just uh, we'll just wait a bit longer.
(the following clip takes place between 6:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m.)
[PHIL CHEESEMAN and EUGENE WOODS snore, van door opens]
ZOE CRICK: Ding dong! Home are the hunters.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [startles awake] Jennifer?
EUGENE WOODS: Hang on.
ZOE CRICK: Come on, lazybones. We've got to get moving soon.
EUGENE WOODS: How'd you do?
JACK HOLDEN: Ask Zoe. She's the master hunter.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you say so.
ZOE CRICK: I do bloody say so, Mister Cheeseman. Look: two rabbits, and a flipping pigeon!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: You are amazing.
EUGENE WOODS: Nice work, guys!
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Seriously, I'm impressed. Nice!
JACK HOLDEN: So, Gene, going to make us a nice stew later?
EUGENE WOODS: Hell, with that much meat, I'll make you four!
JACK HOLDEN: Ha! Hunting high five. Hey, stew high five. Cheeseman, high five!
(the following clip takes place between S3M25 and S3M52)
JACK HOLDEN: Well now, listeners, we've got a bit of a surprise today.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is it cake? Did we find a cake?
ZOE CRICK: Seriously, Phil, where do you think we'd find a bloody cake around here?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: A man can dream, Zoe. A man can dream!
JACK HOLDEN: No, it isn't cake. It's actually a bit more exciting than that. Eugene, you're going to be especially interested in this.
EUGENE WOODS: That'll make a change.
JACK HOLDEN: All right, mister! Hold the snark until you hear the call. Here we go.
RACHEL DENNIS: Hello, Radio Cabel. I am long time listener, an avid fan, and a first time caller. My name is Rachel P. Dennis, [EUGENE WOODS gasps] and I'm calling in with a bit of an odd request. As some of your listeners may be aware, I was in the process of writing the final book in my Laments of the World saga at the time of the outbreak. In fact, I was in the process of approving final copy edits to the book prior to its publication. Due to certain complications around that time, the book never saw publication. Now I find myself preparing to leave my home and settle somewhere more peaceful -
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Oh God.
RACHEL P. DENNIS: - but I don't want to do so without securing my legacy. As such, I would be greatly obliged if the four of you could find time on your tour to come and meet me, in order for you to take the manuscript and broadcast it to your listeners. [EUGENE WOODS gasps] Being able to release the ending of my saga to the public would make me extremely happy. I hope you can help me. Yours, Rachel P. Dennis.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God.
JACK HOLDEN: Yeah, thought you'd like that.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!
ZOE CRICK: Is he okay?
EUGENE WOODS: I...
ZOE CRICK: Hello? Eugene?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Try slapping him.
EUGENE WOODS: I can't...
JACK HOLDEN: That only works in the movies.
EUGENE WOODS: Oh my God!
ZOE CRICK: Well, it finally happened. We finally broke Eugene!
(the following clip takes place between S3M51 and S3M52)
[indistinct sound from a radio]
JACK HOLDEN: I can't hear, it's not clear enough.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is there anything you can do? Zoe? It's on the emergency frequency; it must be important!
ZOE CRICK: Let me see if I can reposition the antenna.
JACK HOLDEN: That's better! I, uh...
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?
JACK HOLDEN: Give me a minute, Phil. ... oh God.
EUGENE WOODS: What is it?
JACK HOLDEN: I, uh... war. They're talking about war. New Canton, they've... no one knows for sure, but it looks like they're under her control.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: No!
ZOE CRICK: Oh God.
JACK HOLDEN: It's uh... it's not clear exactly what's happening. This is all secondhand, but they're... they're saying... they're saying New Canton have attacked Abel! Reports of explosions in Dunder Woods. Many dead.
EUGENE WOODS: Jesus.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Is anyone safe? Is there any news – is New Canton still standing? What's – what's going on?
ZOE CRICK: What do they know, Jack?
JACK HOLDEN: That's it, that's all they're saying. It's just, it's chaos! Wait, wait, wait. They're talking about us.
ZOE CRICK: What?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: What are they saying?
JACK HOLDEN: It's Amelia. It's not clear, I'm barely picking it up. Something about a transmitter in the van. Useful intel, contact... it's gone. I... what does it mean, Gene?
EUGENE WOODS: Doesn't matter now. Turn it off.
JACK HOLDEN: I...
EUGENE WOODS: Turn it off! Let's just keep moving.
(the following set of clips takes place after S3M52, on the Belafonte, after the characters describe the boat but before they sight land)
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?"
EVERYONE: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?"
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober."
EVERYONE: [singing] "Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober. Put him in the longboat 'til he's sober early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning."
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor? What shall we do with a drunken sailor?"
EVERYONE: [singing] "What shall we do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?"
PHIL CHEESEMAN: [singing] "Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him."
EVERYONE: [singing] "Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him. Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him early in the morning. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises. Hooray, and up she rises early in the morning."
[everyone laughs]
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "To Cuba's coast we're bound, me boys."
EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "To Cuba's coast, now, don't make a noise."
EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "The captain, he will trim the sails."
EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Winging the water over the rails."
EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Oh my God! How the wind do blow."
EVERYONE: [singing] "'Way, the boys, to Cuba."
JACK HOLDEN: [singing] "Running south from the ice and the snow."
EVERYONE: [singing] "We're running down to Cuba. 'Way, the boys, to Cuba. We're running down to Cuba."
EUGENE WOODS: Is it time, is it time?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, Gene, it's time.
EUGENE WOODS: Yes! Let's do it.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Zoe?
ZOE CRICK: [clears throat] Radio Cabel now has the great privilege to present Truesong's Triumph, the final volume in Rachel P. Dennis' epic Laments of the World saga, serialized in many parts. How long is this thing?
EUGENE WOODS: 1500 pages.
ZOE CRICK: 15 – [sighs] Okay. Many, many parts, then. Bloody hell, I hope this is good.
EUGENE WOODS: It's amazing!
JACK HOLDEN: Did you finish it already?
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] Of course!
JACK HOLDEN: Maniac.
ZOE CRICK: Phil, are you ready?
PHIL CHEESEMAN: If you're sitting comfortably, then I will begin. [turns page, clears throat] In the long winter that followed Lord Ravenwood's capture of Minesburg, the dark cloud of his rule spread across the land, poisoning the minds of all the folk of the nine kingdoms, turning what once was good into evil, what once was fertile into barren, and what once was magic into the mundane.
With the power of the thrice-forked staff, the dark magus had eliminated all remnants of resistance to his power. All remnants but one. For in the darkest of those nights, hushed conversations in taverns and stables and drawing rooms spoke of one who still remembered the old ways. One who still carried the emblems of her ancestors. One in whom the old magics still were strong, and who would return to purge the darkness from the land: Lea Truesong.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs, whispers] So good!
JACK HOLDEN: [whispers] Shh! Don't interrupt.
EUGENE WOODS: [whispers] Sorry.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Lea Truesong. A name that many had forgotten. A name some thought only a myth. A name that would come to live in legend forever.
EUGENE WOODS: [laughs] This book is amazing!
JACK HOLDEN and ZOE CRICK: Shh!
EUGENE WOODS: Lea's eyes grew wide as she regarded the face of her old teacher.
ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, I thought you were - "
JACK HOLDEN: "Dead, my child? No, my dear, not dead. Not dead, but still living. And a fine thing, too, for I can see you are in a pretty pickle, and much in need of help from your old teacher."
ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, it has been a long time since I sat in your study to learn the chants and charms. I'm not the young girl you once taught to raise an oak or bring the summer rain. I am Lea Truesong, salvation of the seven tribes, bringer of summer, the voice that will sing the lament of this world and every world to come, and every world that has ever been! I need the help of no one."
EUGENE WOODS: Master Nellin chuckled, his chest wheezing and his eyes glimmering like diamonds in darkness.
JACK HOLDEN: [chuckles, wheezes] "You always were a proud one, Lea Truesong. Always so proud and always so stubborn. Be not so quick to refuse the help of an old friend. And on the road ahead, you will need many friends, and you will need much help, especially without your magic. Come, now. Let me free you from those chains before the guards return."
EUGENE WOODS: But before the old master could reach through the bars, Lea heard the bone-chilling creak and moan of the dungeon door, old oak scratching on bloodstained stone.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Oh? Who's leaning through them bars? Alarm! Alarm! The prisoner's escaping!"
EUGENE WOODS: Startled by the guard, afraid for her life, Lea felt the old magics coursing through her veins once more.
ZOE CRICK: "Not now - "
EUGENE WOODS: - she thought, as she felt the air around her begin to heat, a conflagration begin to form, her power begin to loose itself uncontrollably.
ZOE CRICK: "Master Nellin, run!"
ZOE CRICK: Bran Firebane tightened his grip, the ornate carvings on the handle of his sword, Light Bringer, burning in his hand.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: "The time has come, Kien. There are no more rat holes left for you to hide in."
ZOE CRICK: Kien Vallick curled his lip back in a sneer, his hand lazily drawing a poisoned knife from his belt, the very knife with which he had carried out his murderous deeds.
EUGENE WOODS: "Firebane, you're like the sore that just won't heal. But what you say is right: the time has come. The time for you to die!"
ZOE CRICK: Drawing his hand back and leaping across the table in a single movement, Vallick struck at Firebane's throat. It was only his lightning reflexes, honed through his training with the priests of Devellion which saved Bran's life.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Not today, Kien. Not today."
ZOE CRICK: - uttered Bran Firebane as he slid Light Bringer's burning blade deep into Vallick's chest. Blood sizzled and popped around the wound as the old betrayor's life left his body.
EUGENE WOODS: [groans] "Curse you, Firebane. Curse you to the ends of this world and the next. Curse you to see all that you love burn as the final song is sung. Curse you!"
JACK HOLDEN: And so it was that Lea Truesong climbed the mountain of Sennalish, the mountain at the end of the world. And so it was that she reached the summit, her hair thick with snow, her fingers frozen, bloody, to the thrice-forked staff, her body shaking with hunger and exhaustion. And so it was that there, on that day, high above the ken of mortals, Lea opened her mouth to sing the world's lament. The end.
ZOE CRICK: Wow.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah.
ZOE CRICK: That was really good.
JACK HOLDEN: I enjoyed that.
[EUGENE WOODS cries]
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Gene, are you crying?
EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, I just... I can't believe that it's over.
PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw, buddy. Come here.
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mrmichaelchadler · 5 years
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Home Entertainment Consumer Guide: October 25, 2018
9 NEW TO BLU-RAY/DVD
"Ant-Man and the Wasp"
Quick, what's the most recent Marvel movie? It feels like a lot of people would say "Avengers: Infinity War" or maybe even "Black Panther," forgetting that there was a sequel to "Ant-Man" released this Summer. Marvel has become so dominant that even one of their successful, well-liked tentpole movies can be considered relatively minor. Having said that, "Ant-Man and the Wasp" mostly works. It's under two hours (unlike a lot of MCU movies) and provides a fun diversion. In fact, it's got an element that I wish more Marvel would copy in that it's practically a one-off, tied into the rest of the MCU for sure but also working with its own mythology and characters to satisfy viewers THIS TIME instead of merely planting seeds for the future. It also has one of the best ensembles in the standalone MCU, all the way down to scene-stealers like Michael Pena and David Dastmalchian. 
Buy it here
Special Features Director's Intro by Peyton Reed  Making-of Featurettes: Back in the Ant Suit: Scott Lang A Suit of Her Own: The Wasp  Subatomic Super Heroes: Hank & Janet  Quantum Perspective: The VFX and Production Design of "Ant-Man and The Wasp"  Gag Reel and Outtakes  Deleted Scenes 
"Creepshow"
It's that wonderful time of year when Shout Factory's genre banner known as Scream Factory releases special editions of horror classics, complete with new transfers and special features. There are three such releases in this edition of the HECG, and, believe it or not, two of them are anthologies. One of the most famous such films of all time is this George A. Romero and Stephen King classic, which comes in a gorgeous box set with a booklet and a quote from Roger's review on the back. It's also LOADED with special features, including a new audio commentary, interviews, and a round table discussion, along with all of the imported archival features. "Creepshow" is an inconsistent but really fun movie. It's nice to see it get such a lavish treatment.
Buy it here 
Special Features BRAND NEW 4K REMASTER SOURCED FROM THE ORIGINAL CAMERA NEGATIVE, with color correction supervised and approved by director of photography Michael Gornick NEW Audio Commentary with director of photography Michael Gornick NEW Audio Commentary with composer/first assistant director John Harrison and construction co-ordinator Ed Fountain NEW Terror and the Three Rivers – a round table discussion on the making of CREEPSHOW with John Amplas, Tom Atkins, Tom Savini and Marty Schiff NEW The Comic Book Look – an interview with costume designer Barbara Anderson NEW Ripped From The Pages – an interview with animator Rick Catizone NEW The Colors of Creepshow – a look at the restoration of CREEPSHOW with director of photography Michael Gornick NEW Into The Mix – an interview with sound re-recordist Chris Jenkins NEW Mondo Macabre – A look at Mondo's various CREEPSHOW posters with Mondo Co-Founder Rob Jones and Mondo Gallery Events Planner Josh Curry NEW Collecting Creepshow – a look at some of the original props and collectibles from the film with collector Dave Burian Audio Commentary with Director George A. Romero and Special Make-Up Effects Creator Tom Savini Audio Interviews with director of photography Michael Gornick, actor John Amplas, property master Bruce Alan Miller, and make-up effects assistant Darryl Ferrucci Tom Savini's Behind-the-Scenes Footage Horror's Hallowed Grounds – a look at the original film locations hosted by Sean Clark Deleted Scenes Theatrical Trailers TV Spot Radio Spots Still Galleries – Posters, Lobby Cards and Movie Stills Still Galleries – Behind the Scenes photos Optional English SDH subtitles for the main feature
"Eighth Grade"
Bo Burnham's directorial debut is one of the most quietly beloved films of 2018, often appearing on lists of films from this year that you really should see before you do any year-end consideration. It really is something special, capturing what it's like to be an 8th grader in the '10s better than any film to date. Not only is Burnham's writing and directing surprisingly sensitive, he found something incredibly special in Elsie Fisher, who gives what is quite simply one of the best performances of the year. So many young actresses in movies "about teenage life" feel like they're making a statement instead of embodying a character but Fisher is always real, and inevitably heartbreaking. This is a wonderful movie. 
Buy it here 
Special Features Audio Commentary with Director Bo Burnham and Actress Elsie Fisher "You're Not Alone: Life in Eighth Grade" Featurette Music Video Deleted Scenes
"Hotel Transylvania 3"
I'm including this one for my kids and because the market is kind of dry right now for family films. Could you do worse than the latest Adam Sandler riff on the Universal monsters? Sure, but these movies started on low ground in terms of quality and have only sunk into the muck. Trust me, I've seen this one a bunch as my boys are somehow obsessed enough with this franchise for repeat viewing. Kudos, I guess, to Sony for timing this release for Halloween marathons for the little ones who can't quite do actual horror movies yet and before the superior "Teen Titans" and "Incredibles 2" hit the home market. 
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Special Features Three All New Scary-Oke Sing Alongs: Sing along to three Hotel Transylvania 3 inspired songs with your favorite characters! "Dennis Had a Giant Dog" – Sung by Dennis & Winnie "Monsters Like to Party Down" – Sung by Johnny "Oh These Wolf Pups" – Sung by Wanda Werewolf Plan Your Own Spook-tacular Sleepover: This feature will give you all details on how to make your own sleepover spook-tacular! From snacks to crafts to games and more, follow these steps to create a Hotel T sleep-over with your friends and family, the perfect setting to binge watch all 3 Hotel Transylvania movies. Vampire Make Over: Mavis and Drac Tutorial: Learn how to turn yourself into your favorite Hotel Transylvania 3 characters. Behind the Screams – The Voices of Hotel Transylvania 3: Step behind the "screams" with the returning stars and hilarious new cast to see how these characters are brought to life in the recording booth. Johnny's Home Movies (Franchise Recap): Johnny brings viewers up to speed on what's happened in the Hotel Transylvania franchise so far. "I See Love" Monster Dance Party Dance Along: Get up and get moving to this haunting monster mash. Drac's Zing-tastic Read Along: It's storytime with your favorite characters have a silly tale about Drac's search for a Zing! Read along or sit back and enjoy! Two Mini Movies (rated G): Two mini-features that will have you howling. Puppy Goodnight Mr. Foot
"House on Haunted Hill"
William Malone's remake of the Vincent Price classic is a mixed bag, to be kind. The 1999 launching pad for Joel Silver's Dark Castle production banner, this gory flick has some great moments, including a brilliant set-up that allows Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen to wonderfully chew some scenery. For about an hour, this twisted tale actually kind of works. They just forgot to write a coherent ending. Just fall asleep or turn it off before that point and you'll be happier.
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Special Features BRAND NEW 2K REMASTER from the original film elements NEW interview with director William Malone NEW interview with composer Don Davis NEW Interview with visual effects supervisor Robert Skotak Never-Before-Seen storyboards, concept art and behind-the-scenes photos courtesy of visual effects producer Paul Taglianetti Audio Commentary with director William Malone A Tale of Two Houses – vintage featurette Behind the Visual FX – vintage featurette Deleted Scenes Theatrical Trailer TV Spots Movie Stills and Poster Gallery Optional English SDH subtitles for the main feature
"Shampoo" (Criterion)
The best Criterion release of the month is this classic that always crosses my mind when I think about films that caught performers at their most charismatic. You know what I mean. Some movies find stars at exactly the moment it needed to find them. There's an element of this in the current success of "A Star is Born," which wouldn't work the same without Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga being exactly where they are in their careers in 2018. Same goes for Warren Beatty and Goldie Hawn in 1975's "Shampoo" (along with Julie Christie and Lee Grant, for that matter.) One of Hal Ashby's best films comes with a great 4K transfer but a relatively, for Criterion, slight collection of special features. The new conversation between Mark Harris and Frank Rich is excellent, however.
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Special Features New 4K digital restoration, with uncompressed monaural soundtrack on the Blu-ray Alternate 5.1 surround soundtrack, presented in DTS-HD Master Audio on the Blu-ray New conversation between critics Mark Harris and Frank Rich Excerpt from a 1998 appearance by producer, cowriter, and actor Warren Beatty on The South Bank Show PLUS: An essay by Rich
"Skyscraper"
Did we get a bit too much of The Rock in too short a period of time? For a period of time there, it looked like Dwayne Johnson may be the biggest star in the world. (And he may still be). With the success of the "Furious" movies and the phenomenon that was "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle," he entered 2018 on a high, but both of his films this year, "Rampage" and "Skyscraper," were domestic disappointments. (Both did much better overseas.) Perhaps worse than their box office fates, they just weren't very good. This one is particularly dispiriting, coming off like the bland "Die Hard" retreads we got so often in the '90s. Come on, Dwayne. If you're gonna be our #1 star than we need you to pass on junk like this.
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Special Features Deleted Scenes with Commentary by Director Rawson Marshall Thurber – Go behind the scenes with Dwayne Johnson and the rest of the cast of Skyscraper. Extended Scenes with Commentary by Director Rawson Marshall Thurber Dwayne Johnson: Embodying a Hero – Go behind the scenes to see what it took for Dwayne Johnson to bring the intense character of Will Sawyer to life. Inspiration – Meet real life amputee and motivational speaker Jeff Glasbrenner, the inspiration for Dwayne Johnson's role of Will Sawyer. See how Jeff's consultations helped inform Dwayne's character from day one. Opposing Forces – There's no holding back as the women of Skyscraper get in on the action. Now, see first-hand what it took for Neve Campbell and Hannah Quinlivan to be fight ready. Friends No More – When Dwayne Johnson and Pablo Schreiber met face to face, they immediately knew what they were up against. Witness first-hand the making of the intense apartment fight between two former on-screen friends, Will and Ben. Kids in Action – In Skyscraper everyone gets in on the action, even the Sawyer children. Go on set with Noah Cottrell and McKenna Roberts to discover the moves behind their stunts. Pineapple Pitch – Hear first-hand from Dwayne Johnson how writer/director Rawson Marshall Thurber pitched him the idea of Skyscraper. It may be a little fruitier than you think. Feature Commentary by Director Rawson Marshall Thurber
"Sorry to Bother You"
The closer we get to the end of the year, the more I think Boots Riley's debut is one of its best films. It's certainly one of its most unforgettable. I've already written about the film twice (Sundance and theatrical) so I don't have much more to say, but let me throw in with my other Gotham Awards committee members who nominated Lakeith Stanfield for his fantastic work here, giving an incredibly physical and committed performance. So much of "Sorry to Bother You" feels like "Boots Movie" but it wouldn't work at all without someone so completely on the same page as the film's creator as Stanfield, who has quietly become one of the most interesting actors of his generation. I hope he continues to do challenging, fascinating work such as what he delivers here. 
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Special Features Beautiful Clutter with Director Boots Riley Audio Commentary with Director Boots Riley Gallery The Cast of Sorry to Bother You The Art of the White Voice
"Trick 'r Treat"
Horror is still the only genre that can truly produce word-of-mouth, home market hits, such as this anthology flick that never even played in movie theaters. Anywhere. And yet it became an instant hit when it was released on DVD in late 2009. So much so that Scream Factory has given it one of their most lavish Halloween season Collector's Edition treatments. It's a fantastic release for what's a really solid flick, a clear child of "Creepshow" with smart writing and direction. Hopefully it will spur enough interest to get the long-delayed sequel finally off the ground. 
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Special Features BRAND NEW 2K REMASTER OF THE FILM supervised and approved by director Michael Dougherty NEW Tales of Folklore & Fright: Creating Trick 'r Treat – including interviews with writer/director Michael Dougherty, conceptual artist Breehn Burns, and storyboard artist Simeon Wilkins. NEW Tales of Mischief & Mayhem: Filming Trick 'r Treat – in-depth interview with Michael Dougherty on the making of the film NEW Sounds of Shock & Superstition: Scoring Trick 'r Treat – including interviews with Michael Dougherty and composer Douglas Pipes NEW Tales of Dread and Despair: Releasing Trick 'r Treat – a look at the release and fandom with Michael Dougherty and writer Rob Galluzzo Season's Greetings – NEW 2K scan of the original 16mm elements – a short film by Michael Dougherty with optional commentary by Dougherty NEW Storyboard and Conceptual Artwork Gallery NEW Behind the Scenes Still Gallery NEW Monster Mash – a story from the TRICK 'R TREAT graphic novel NEW FEARnet.com Shorts Audio Commentary with director Michael Dougherty Trick 'R Treat: The Lore and Legends of Halloween featurette Deleted and Alternate Scenes with optional commentary by director Michael Dougherty School Bus FX Comparison Theatrical Trailer Optional English SDH subtitles for the main feature
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