#I wish I'd had a choice

[icewindandboringhorror]

recent lounging babey images

#he's so floppy recently and I hope it's just the heat. I think wamr weather makes everyone floppy and loungy #a beauntifulle boye... #cats #STILL working on posting some drafts. finishing new poll adventure.. other things... It's just hard with the weather and other things going #on. I've had a few more doctors appointments and other things to do recently that have to be done in a time limit #so I hvae to use my extremely limited energy working on that instead of doing the things I'd really rather do. :T #Main focuses though are keeping up better with doing and posting costumes + sculptures as main creative things. at least finishing the #main poll adventure story. Reworking the game I kind of abandoned for a few years. keeping up with game videos and a few other side things. #Especially the game though. I've been in a really worldbuildy mood recently. I just wish that was easier to manifest into something. I've #now put the worldbuilding slideshow reading video on pause for a while because it's SOOO long to do #and I think I should prioritize making games and stuff instead. but still other things. IT's just kind of like.. I have a whole world and #everything very built and planned out but now.. what do I do with it? what's the best way to share that? factual slideshows just going over #the information like a dictionary? make it into a game? write short stories? do art attached to the world? etc. etc. ?? There are so many #potential avenues I end up kind of flip flopping between them a lot because none really seem more beneficial than the others and they all #seem equally enjoyable and also equally hard so. It's like?? I guess just do what the hell ever and hope I made the right choice in terms o #cost benefit and reward for my time lol. ANYWAY.. Also why I'm in my 'trying to make friends' era still because I think having other creat #ive friends can help you find direction like.. people will meet each other and then go 'hey lol just for fun lets start a project together! #and then like 5 years later it's genuinely become something. etc. having other people to help weed out ideas and start small creative teams #together and etc. I feel is a very beneficial part of networking or whatever but also I have the social capacity of a stale bread roll and #am also inherently unrelatable to seemingly a majority of people due to my hermit wizard swag (detachment from general society and hyper #focus on fantasy worlds in my head gjhghj) so trying to meet people as a grown adult with social issues is Very easy and fun (it is not) #even very basic things like my core communication style is so incompatible with a lot of people it's like.. hhhh... People in this modern #age have GOT to stop being afraid of phone calls and/or text that is longer than 6 paragraphs. Work with me here. I WANT to talk to you. bu #I do not know what your emojis mean and it's physically impossible for me to type less than 85 sentences. please.. hhjgjgb #AAANYWAY!! I am working on things when I can given the circumstances (SUMMER).. hopefully some costume pictures and stuff soon. :'3 #I've not forgotten about my art and etc. - as usual I just am bad at social media and also functioning if it's above 65F lol

[hxhhasmysoul]

wouldn't it be nice if the author of the fics finished them. the author is me.

#vent #for the last 4 months my life has been in stupid crisis mode #like constantly #from major ones where i had to move out for a while because it was impossible to stay where i lived #to not being able to use my kitchen for over a week #and like other more or less minor house related stuff that made it impossible for me to use something normally #not a single week without something like that or shit at work which is constantly being so fucking chaotic #and now someone died in my family #not someone very close but i liked them #and of course like feeling sad that they are gone can't be the only thing #because it has to come with the headache of i need to travel for their funeral and it's just before easter #so there's no one in this city to leave my dog with #because most of my friends either live abroad or have cats or are busy before easter.. #i'd just want a week where nothing happens #and like the writing is weighing heavy on me #because i miss it #also i wish i could finish something #i wish something good would happen that i could feel proud off #also because i'm mentally ill and fucking stupid when i was going crazy with my kitchen not working and work shit #i bought new furniture #because after 15 years i've finally had enough money to buy some that aren't fucking black and inconvenient and ugly #which is like a huge project and a crisis i brought onto myself #just because i was too burnt out to write #and i wanted something nice to happen to me #like a nice living space that doesn't make feel like i have no ownership over it because everything in it was some else's choice #and that old furniture was bought by my mother and my brother ages ago and it's handmedowns #and my fucking horrible mother feels personally slighted that i want to get rid of a bed that is broken #because my brother's kids jumped on it regularly when they used to visit pre covid #yeah it's been broken that long because i lost all my savings during covid and had to change careers to a souless pointless corpo job #long pathetic whine and overshare over

[beaft]

Could one of your friends potentially store your books for you until you have room for them? I would be so sad if I had to get rid of my books

honestly i'm being a little dramatic, it was only a couple of boxes of tattered paperbacks - but when it comes to books i always feel so irrationally guilty about letting them go. like, i know i don't need three separate copies of lord of the rings, especially when two of them are falling to pieces, but i'm gay and have attachment issues and it feels like i'm shoving a friend in the garbage.

#i try and operate on a buy-one toss-one basis #but because i've been neglecting that system for a while i'm now having to do a mini-cull and i'm Upset About It #if i had the choice i'd keep every book i ever acquired #but given the rate i go through them that's just not practical #one of my main motivations for getting my own place is legit so i can have more storage space for books. i wish i was joking. #(obviously i do get books out of the library as well because i like libraries and i do not have the money to be buying three books a week)

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

You are seriously my favorite blog right now. You opinions and meta for ikevamp are so spot on. You somehow are able to flush the characters more than the canon. I just wanted to say I appreciate all the time you put into your writings and I love everything you have written so far!!!!

In Comte and Leo we trust 🫡

Aww, thank you so much! 💛💛💛

Honestly I have no control over the brainworms, I feel like Ikevamp is so saturated with implications that extrapolating becomes so much natural fun for me. I started writing and analyzing (with no supervision to stop me, big mistake) and I'm still so fascinated with it. I can't believe it's been almost what...four years? Five years? Since I started playing the Japanese version where this all began. I'm frankly flattered a lot of people agree/like my takes, it makes sharing my work really rewarding in ways I never expected~

I don't always have time for more than Comte thirsting and silly quotes these days, but you're more than welcome to enjoy what I've curated here! I imagine I won't stop shitposting until the app is discontinued, and even then I'm not confident I'll shut up 🤣🤣🤣 Comte's the best baby girl I've ever known lmfao

o7 PUREBLOOD STAN OR BUST HELL YEAH!

#tysm for such a kind ask! this made my day <333 #pureblood propaganda #(people need to stop validating my breaching containment it only makes me more powerful /j) #sometimes I wish the eng ver implemented more of the depth and hank pank from the og more consistently but alas #localizations are a bit of a hit or miss business im afraid #i also love how i've inadvertently created a sad pureblood fan club over the years (not you vlad) #(you can join after you've had your time out like a good boy) #but in all seriousness i find their lives strikingly saturated with complex emotion and subtle tragedy/melancholy #ig for a lack of a better description i just feel like they're relatable? #like yeah if i was leonardo and my abusive family could harass me forever #i would also be incredibly guarded and set in my ways to protect myself and probably hate vampires and their power plays #if--like comte--i felt a sense of identification with the people i was pressured to subjugate #i'd feel lost and empty too; unable to co-exist with my own kind but also inevitably at a distance from humans #both scenarios create an emotional and relational quagmire #and i think what's even harder about it for both of them is that they just have no choice--and rather few allies besides each other #all they can really choose is duplicity if they wish to remain true to themselves and reasonably survive #and i think that's a really exhausting/somewhat self-impoverishing position to be in #comte tries to subsist on ephemeral moments he shares with people--with varying levels of success (little) #leonardo forces himself into stasis bc if he doesn't he'll keep making the same mistakes #aka getting too close to people and getting hurt when their time ends #ive prbly said all this before but idk in light of so much i've learned since starting this blog #the allusions to vampirism being a vehicle for certain 'othered' identities seems boundless to me (domestic abuse/class structures/nd etc.) #vlad is a pureblood but he seems like one of those flat movie vampires pandering to the aesthetic obsessions of a v particular audience #any story needs both flat and round characters--so naturally his existence serves a purpose/function; nothing wrong with that #but i find myself to be too Shrek to be v invested in him (FAVES HAVE L A Y E R S) #ig i just think its very easy and a bit bland to associate vampires with horror/gore/unmitigated violence/extreme emotionality #but much more engaging to explore the status of monstrosity as it relates to oppressed identities and unconventional kindness #or maybe that's just the monsterfker in me--in which case sorry everyone being cringe on main (it will happen again)

[sureuncertainty]

at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/

#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it #bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things #and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance #that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross #but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that #they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable #but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about #which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies #and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get #i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety #sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time #i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them #but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this #i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice #ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF #LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM #like maybe YOU live in a bad area #but you're just a really loud minority #anyway. yeah. just. oof. #still feeling some kind of anxiety about it #win rambles

[cosmicdreamgrl]

.

#it's 4°C tonight and all i can think is tomorrow is exactly 4 years we've been together #sometimes it doesn't feel like that much time has passed and other times like now it does #i met him at such a strange & sorrowful moment in life #if you had told me 8 months later that i'd make the choice to try loving someone again i wouldn't have believed you #yet here i am #and honestly i can't imagine what my life would be like or who i'd be without him #so many of the best parts of me came from finding someone who helped me understand that i wasn't difficult to love/too much or not enough #it hasn't always been easy but if i went back in time? i'd change nothing #i doubt i'll ever be able to fully articulate how i feel in full #but more than anything i wish he was here now so i could actually tell him all these things #and not cry behind my screen as i type this out because i miss him to my core #so yeah happy anniversary in advance to me & happy being alone on yet another one #insert weary sigh here #steph.text

[straydogged]

I wish I still had income

#I wish I could just. get takeout when I dont have the spoons to cook instead of having no choice but to force myself to cook anyways #because it's not just me im cooking for. I'd actually rather starve than cook tonight but my partner needs to eat too #im so tired. I am so so tired for literally no good reason and I kind of want to cry. #all I did! was go into one store! that's all I fucking did and it took damn near every spoon I had!

[asinglesock]

when starchild from ghost quartet said "when I was a baby, I was blessed by a stranger / in waters I didn't understand / and now I'm infected with disbelief and blasphemy / I'll never have a holy land / I am a ghost in the eyes of my God" that felt targeted :/

#a sock speaks #bitter work #I've been attended churches that are open communion for anyone who's baptized #and I was baptized but with a non-Nicene formula #the upci usually baptizes adults or kids old enough to choose but I was baptized really young #how much choice is involved if you're baptized at age 3? not much more than if you're baptized as a newborn #but I guess you can be baptized by immersion at 3 and that makes a difference #and like. I wish I'd had a Nicene creed-observant baptism as a baby. I'd be okay with someone choosing that for me. #but as an adult I feel like I have to act out of deep conviction if I'm going to be rebaptized. #for one thing it's a pretty serious step theologically #for another I have to have my mind completely made up because it will be an emotional scar to my parents #getting baptized in secret seems to go against the whole point of being baptized #but do I believe in trinitarian doctrine firmly enough to claim it as a matter of conviction? #I took a pneumatology class to try to figure it out but tbh it's not helping #I think I can confess the Apostles' Creed and I'm less confident about the Nicene Creed but I think maybe?? #but I'm not sure that my interpretations of the creeds match up correctly #wandering through the wilderness for a few years could be bearable but it's much harder to think you'll spend the rest of your life there #this is not my home. this is not my home. where is my home? when can I go home?

[synf3ll]

nothing like getting misgendered by someone you thought you could trust to get you spiralling on the whole "transitioning is pointless, i'll never have the body i want" "no one sees me as nonbinary, they just see me for who i used to be, what i look like, or whatever's on the medical files" "hoping is worthless if i'm going to kill myself anyway" path

#i don't understand what all those other people mean when they say they love being transgender #like if i had a choice i'd be cisgender #but of course they probably have money and easy access to surgery andd hrt and a support system w friends and family and whatever #i hate being trans! i hate being queer! i'm not going to lie to you and say it's enjoyable! #not to be an edgelord but i wish i was normal. not because that's my idea of “perfect” but because it's more convenient #og #cw negativity #cw suicide #tw suicide

[catty-words]

playlist: nothing to do but watch time pass by

(also: happy birthday!)

laugh till i cry - the front bottoms

little miss why so - the amazing devil

western wind - carly rae jepsen

weathered - blackwinterwells & 8485

i've got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song) - fall out boy

a beginning song - the decemberists

playlist game

#general music tag #if i had to explain these choices i'd say something about how they're part comfortable taking their time part listless #but also i will not be explaining myself #thanks for playing and for the birthday wishes! #kyber infinitygems #replies #playlist game

[misscrazyfangirl321]

I'm halfway through Dollhouse and I'm so normal about it (clawing, biting, etc.)

#i speak #wish the content wasn't quite so much at times #but #i'm over here going feral about Dynamics and Characters and Choices #but mostly topher and adelle #i thought it was going to be like. the platonic version of a crackship. #where i pulled an insanely close dynamic out of one or two throwaway lines of dialogue and mined every moment #but no they're really just Like That #and according to the flashbacks #they've BEEN like that from like. day one. #the dynamic is really just #adelle: getting close to people makes me vulnerable. therefore i do not do it #topher: *exists* #adelle: this is my son #adelle: i've only had him for a few minutes but if anything happened to him i'd kill everyone in this room #anyway #also caroline is cool #paul and boyd friendship i didn't know i needed #dr. saunders storyline has me 👀 #hmmm what else #it's weird seeing sousa in something else #the dollhouse

[scattered-winter]

I think one of the biggest things I want to break the cycle of if I'm ever able to have kids is religion tbh. like growing up my parents didn't really give me a choice of which religion I wanted to be a part of, if any, and when I expressed interest in studying religions from other cultures as a hobby they got freaked out and made me promise I'd "be careful not to fall away from the True Real Church" or whatever and like. idk I feel like a kid should be allowed to choose for themselves !? because religion is a big personal thing and so I think the reason it never clicked with me was because it was always something I was forced to do and believe. and idk if I ever have a kid I would want them to be able to explore the world around them and decide what they believe on their own, and have my support no matter what they choose

#re lrb #i mean there's also. the weird cult side of mormonism that also weirded me the fuck out from a young age #i remember distinctly this one time i had some concerns about how the church essentially brainwashes people and brought it up to my mom #and her answer was something like ''well yes that's true it wouldnt be good but in this case its the true church so its fine :)'' #like. ma'am that was exactly the wrong thing to say to a kid who was an avid reader + already knew what mob mentality + blind following was #and idk. my parents have always said that ive always been someone to Question things. authority and rules and systems and all that #and theyve always warned me that it could get me in trouble if im not careful (which im sure it could) #but the way they always meant it was trouble with the church #and tbh im glad i grew up questioning all the things i was taught because i managed to get the hell outta dodge #and idk. i have a lot of trauma and baggage surrounding religion because of how i was raised practically in a cult #but if i ever have a kid i'd want them to be able to choose what they believe or if they dont believe at all #idk. i just wish i had a choice thst my family truly supported me in and so i want that for any kids i have. #anyway this is a long tag ramble but idk. i just got thinking. #winter speaks #personal #tw mormonism #tw religion

[krembearry]

arahcuhghsuisk;ld

#hey g its me #dude i am forever caught in a loop of i need to work i need to draw i need to write my stories i need to be making something #i spend so much time just sitting here and not moving and my head hurts #if i'm working i'm not spending time with the things i love #if i spend time with the things i love i cant make enough money #capitalism is a cancer #i wish i knew how to make a wider audience care about my shit enough it would be worth it to work on as a living #instead i am just sitting here again! motionless and frozen by needing to make a choice #both of which are on complete opposite spectrums but both need to be done #though like. my art DOESNT need to be done but work DOES #augh i miss having a job i would physically go to but nothing is close enough to safely walk and we live on a gravel road #cant scooter there #i keep thinking oh well if we could just be living on our own but i can barely make the rent here #the things i'd do to have a roommate we could trust #i wish i had a dedicated workspace augh #this is so much venting sorry...

[ijustlikecomics]

----

#feel like I'm living through a d rated version of knives out right now #beloved family member passes away unexpectedly #money hungry family all focused on their slice of the pie #instead of being zilched by a will #they were all just happy to assume there wasn't one #now we have a will #and it's not the outcome we want #because given the choice between 2 million dollars and another day with my uncle #I know what I'd choose #but there is a chance we can contest the will #so at least a couple of the leeches looking for their payout #will be frozen out with any fucking luck #d rated knives out for sure lmao #wish my uncle had just left everything to his doctor or something

[ncteez]

i have a final on thursday and i’m anxious as hell. 

#[hon talks] #its just a LOT of information to try and remember #i had to do THIRTY sections of different information within a seven week period #and the final is on all THIRTY sections ;o; #at least it's a multiple choice exam #but like..man....give test me on codons i'd be FINE that shit is EASY #do NOT test me on the fucking hardy weinberg equilibrium bullshit #pls wish me luck ;o; #i mean as long as my GPA stays over a 3.5 im FINE #on top of all of this -- my final painting for foundations is absolutely trash #like i hate it #but it's gonna have to do

[andthebubbles]

.

#me.txt #okay am a bit anxious so lemme just talk it out in hopes of being less anxious #tomorrowwww i have to go into work #pick up the swipe card (not a problem) #return the ipads (also not a problem) #then i have a half hour meeting for... an event organisation i think... idk the email wasn't super clear #and then i have the choice to go straight home #or i could go to supercheap auto #my dad bought 10w40 engine oil the other day #but now i'm wondering if i should get 5w30 to top up the oil instead #i think this is what i'm anxious about #i read that you shouldn't mix 40 and 30 together #but i have no idea what's in my engine atm #and i tried to google if you can check what's in there but nothing turned up #and i don't wanna stuff up my engine... #i'd only be putting like 1.5L though i think? #so that's probably not a problem? and then i'll take it for servicing soon so............. #SIGH #i wish i had someone who wasn't stressful to do this with #or someone to talk to about it... #oh hey... maybe i do know someone who might know something about this... #i should ask tomorrow #anyway yeah i'm thinking of returning the 10w40 bottle and getting 5w30 just because 5w30 is more obviously written in the manual but 10w40 #works too #i also thought of maybe hitting up arb and seeing what they have and if they do servicing if you also buy and get them to install something #i think this is just social anxiety... and also just wanting to get the right oil #whilst being surrounded by general disinterest from my family #i wish i had a parent who was into this stuff #that's usually how it starts right? a parent likes cars and/or camping and the kids pick it up #well somehow this kid picked it up independent of their parents